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funkymbtifiction · 2 years

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Which MBTI or Enneagram types merge and become one with the fictional (or real) characters in books/movies they read/watch?

I don't know that it's tied to MBTI type, though I have found it rather common in 9s who diffuse themselves into whatever they are watching and get lost in it, almost as if they are merging with entertainment rather than another person. Several INFP 9s have told me they're careful what they watch since they don't want to merge into anything they hate and be stuck with feelings they don't want.

I do that a lot. I don't necessarily mean every character, but the ones that I relate to on a basic level (due to similar background, desires, limitations, life problems, pains, mental states or life stories, etc). I can rarely get myself to watch and enjoy movies/series with no characters I can relate to.

This is somewhat similar to an ISTP 9 I know, who told me that it's not just if she can't relate, but that she can't enjoy anything where she has no desire to live vicariously through the characters -- like if there's no character I WANT TO BE, this movie is meaningless to me. It's strange from my perspective how a lot of introverts want to relate to characters, or find ones exactly like them, or identify with them -- because I just watch things and judge them on what I think of the characters' behaviors (selfish or unselfish, someone I'd get along with or not?). Either way, most of the people I know are 9s who do this, and none of them are ITJ types, so it either has to do with feeler + 9 (IFP / my feelings are involved here) or Fe + 9 (absorbing fully into someone else).

I don't know exactly why I do that. I guess by doing it, I get to know that I'm not alone, accept myself, learn their coping skills and imitate some of their behavior, lifestyles and interests.

So you're trying to learn from them?

However, sometimes it gets annoying or even dangerous. Cause sometimes these characters face really depressing situations, develop unhealthy patterns and habits, get into negative cycles or use unhealthy or dangerous coping skills instead of fully accepting themselves. All of these can affect me in a terrible way, as if I am them, or I'm the one facing those problems or feeling their pain/depression, or making those mistakes. And sometimes their pain reminds me of my own situation, which makes me enter a cycle of depression or copy their unhealthy coping skills.

This sounds like over-immersion into fantasy, or being unable to separate fantasy from reality. You aren't reinforcing a boundary. The mind naturally interprets what we see on movies as 'real' which is why our emotions can be engaged. But the conscious mind knows it's not real, it's scripted. You need to learn to establish boundaries and create a division between me and the object -- me and the movie. Their habits are not mine, their emotions are not mine, and not give of yourself that freely. And it might be wise, until you learn to better distance yourself, to research things in advance and not indulge in things that are too close to a bad situation in your own life.

I have experienced this some, where instead of watching something to get me out of depression, I watched something depressing to sink me further into it, or I absorbed its ideas about myself or injected myself into the narrative and expected similar things to happen to me (when I was about eighteen and saw Girl Interrupted, I assumed because of my depression I might wind up in a mental ward one day and got even more depressed :P that was not my brightest moment).

Ne's are rather too good at fantasizing and self-injecting into a fake world, especially if they are attachment types who struggle to divorce themselves from the object or idea. It's easy to step away and just fall into something and go with it and assume it's about you, without having enough self-differentiation to realize this is fake. So it's something to be aware of, as well as aware of how entertainment impacts you and to stay away from the stuff that hurts you. (I had to stop watching Mad Men, because it depressed me so much.)

My rational side finds this unhealthy and wants to get out of it, but no matter how hard I try, I still get back to step one, overindulge in this behavior and indirectly enjoy putting myself in those depressing situations with those triggers (watching/reading/listening to those movies/books/musics several times). Is this behavior common in unhealthy INTPs? Is it inferior Fe or enneagram related?

Indirect enjoyment is why you keep doing it. People do nothing unless there is a perverse reward of some kind in it, even if it's self-destructive. You don't want to stop doing it bad enough to stop.

I'd say you first need to address why you can't watch anything without self-inserting into the narrative (I need to relate to someone) -- is this a means of trying to establish yourself in the outside world through someone outside yourself? Or is this the only way you feel in touch with your feelings as an inferior Fe type, to go through it "with" them and then react as they do or beside them? Is this a creative workaround (living vicariously through fiction) rather than reading therapy books that could help you cope with trauma, depression, loss, etc? Ask all kinds of questions of yourself and try to get to the reason why you are doing this; knowing the why might help you to find better coping mechanisms, put up stronger boundaries, and process things separately so you can just 'enjoy' a good movie.

#question #mbti #enneagram #enneagram 9

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awsuntanz · 3 years

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a ramble about helium chapter 4 (and dakota’s wonderful characterization)

its 4am, forgive me for any mistakes. i’ve never written anything like this before, aha.

All of these quotes are from Chapter 4 of @heytherestilinski‘s fic Helium!

The way Dakota (the author) fleshes out conflict and allows their painfully realistic characterization to shine is so...perfect. I find myself heavily relating to Dream, George, and even Sapnap at times.

Here are some lines that I didn’t think would stick out to me (but did):

After a quiet moment, to his soaring heart’s approval, George speaks up again.

This entire kitchen scene portrays that feeling of having a conversation with someone who matters to you. Whether it would classify as something important to someone else or not is irrelevant- to you, in that moment, it feels like you’re holding the world. It’s soft, and tender. You don’t want it to fall flat. You don’t want to let it go. (This scene may or may not have encouraged me to say goodnight to a special someone I was thinking of while reading this).

Sapnap dumps the responsibility of the cart back onto Dream. As he walks past him, he says, “You suck at flirting.”

I really enjoyed the stupid banter between Dream and Sapnap at the grocery store. It not only served as some nice comic relief that kept our guard down before the conflict at the end of the chapter, but it’s also something us readers would definitely hear from (and say to) our friends in real life. Good comic relief is something that eases us in naturally and allows us to immerse ourselves and enjoy the moment while maintaining that element of surprise that keeps us interested :)

He turns away from Dream. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

Dream may be less controlled in his emotions and impulses, but he is very open in sharing them. George has more of a filter on everything. Controlled. Not wanting to push Dream (or maybe even himself) off the edge.

“You wanted to this morning,” he says, low.

“Yeah, because we were in your house, not the middle of the grocery store.”

Rejection. Denial. George’s response holds some truth to it, but comes off as a haphazard excuse at the same time. He doesn’t appreciate the way Dream pushes for that direct confrontation and frankness when it comes to approaching their situation (and honestly? Neither would I).

George halts to face him again, with a half-whisper, “Not exactly the best place to ambush me, Dream.”

I like the use of the word ambush here because of the strong negative connotation it implies. It’s as if he’s saying that Dream sought out to make him uncomfortable. As if this was pre-planned and intentional, and not another one one of his silly impulses.

Dream stares at him wildly. “I didn’t ambush you. You brought up your expectations, not me.” His voice grows tight. “Are you seriously still going to act like this?”

We’ve had enough of “Dream, why? Dream, no! Dream, quit being an idiot!” from the readers. This time, he takes that blame and tosses it over to George instead. Conflict grows stronger.

“Like I’m—I’m this stumbling idiot who forces you into every bad situation,” he says. “It’s exhausting, and doesn't make me feel good about myself, and—” He runs a trembling hand through his hair. “It’d be nice if you took some responsibility, for once. That’s all.”

God, I’m so guilty of how George does this to Dream. Taking responsibility isn’t very fun when you feel like the other person is constantly making irrational, immature, and as we’ve established earlier, overall impulsive decisions when it comes to what they say and do. We assume that the other person should be able to understand us- We’ve put up with them for all this time, haven’t we?

Realizing that having a mentality like this is toxic and draining to the other person as well is... difficult. It’s difficult to remember that they’re trying, and that they genuinely care about you too. The very same things that make them irritating are what make them a loving and caring person as well. It takes growth from the both of you to learn and understand each other. And growth takes time.

It’s 4AM at the time I’m writing this, and I’m far too tired to quote the entire phone scene, so I’m going to assume you’ve read it.

A few lines from George:

“Can...can you stay on, for a bit? Can we just talk?”

“Please, Dream.”

“I just want to hear your voice.”

A few lines from Dream:

“George.”

“Stop,” he warned. “Stop that.”

“Don’t say that.” // “What is wrong with you?”

“Fuck, George. Why are you doing this to me?”

The reason Dream brings this up is because it highlights a moment where their general character roles in the fic are switched. In this scenario, it highlights a moment of hypocrisy. George is desperate, and vulnerable. The phone call dialogue showcases him doing something that he knows he shouldn’t be doing. “Can we not talk about this? Can we pretend this phone call didn’t happen?”

Now, plenty of ugly nights and long weeks later, he steps closer to George in the grocery aisle as an unconcerned passerby skirts around their cart and conflict.

I’m not sure why I like this line. It feels like a gentle reminder that in the grand scheme of things, your conflict is small. Insignificant to the rest of the world, mattering to you two and only you two. Makes everything a bit more personal, I guess.

He looms over him, wishing he could melt the bristling anger from his brown eyes, and wishing he had it in himself to be angry, too.

I relate to both sides of this. That gut-wrenching feeling of not being able to find your own anger at someone who is angry at you. The feeling of knowing that your anger is frustrating and hurting someone else, too. Either way, it feels absolutely terrible.

“You called me,” Dream recounts, even though he can tell George remembers it as vividly as he. “You talked to me.” He lets out a short, frustrated breath. “Then you got mad at me the next morning, and iced me out.”

Doing the same thing that you hated the other person for doing, and taking it out on them afterwards. Yeah.

(dakota. dream. can you pls stop calling me out through george i would really really really appreciate it thank u) /hj /lh

“Because you let it happen,” George says, but he looks more vulnerable than before.

blame game here we go againnnnn

Dream stares down at him. “So it’s all on my shoulders,” he reiterates flatly. “It’s all my responsibility, now?”

“Yes,” George spits, his sharpness startling them both. He meets Dream's gaze, unwavering, and recollects himself with a deep breath.

“Yes. Because you made it your responsibility, when you sent me that text.”

George was ready to throw that blame right back into Dream’s face. When I saw that whole scene in Heat Waves, I realized how much I related to George in that particular situation. I knew it would come back, somehow. George wouldn’t be able to let something as huge as that, something that shifted the entire course of their relationship...slide so easily. Even with Dream’s eventual promise to work on himself. The whole time, I was thinking, “He’s too nice. He’s too patient,” and, “I wouldn’t be that nice. I wouldn’t be that patient. Not on the inside, at least.”

And you didn’t fail me. That final jab, although relatable- It hurt.

Now that the screens are off, the distance is gone, and the barriers are thinner than ever before, George’s flaws are becoming more transparent. We start to see other parts of his character that had only been foreshadowed in your previous work. I had no idea how Helium would unfold at the beginning, but I’m now very sure that you did not disappoint.

Seeing how you’ve evolved as a writer in both more subtle and more noticeable ways has been awesome :) I’m excited for the next chapter.

#heat waves #dreamland #helium #im very sorry if this is bad #im no fearwastaken #dnf #dreamnotfound #long post #be warned #i cant believe i did this.#kinda nervous to post #edit: ok wow this did really well #thanks to everyone <3 and dakota omg #helium analysis

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bnhasimpgirltm · 4 years

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Why Is It That You Only Ever Hurt Me? (Part 2)

Parings: Bakugo x Reader (Past), Yo Shindo x Reader (Present)

Warnings: none

Type: Oneshot

Genre: angst? (this hurt my heart to write)

A/N: I had to use Yo Shindo for this because Bakugo DESPISES this guy. It might have been a bit much to do the entire song, but I didn’t want to remove anything because I really like how well this songs fits. I just didn’t write this very well, and it feels a little repetitive, but I think that’s what adds to it. Let me know what you think, and as always, Enjoy!

Song: “Heavy”- Linkin Park ft. Kiiara (2017)

note: the last lyric line “If I just let go I’ll be set free” was added by me so I could tie the story together nicely. It isn’t actually sung at the end in the song. I cried while writing this oh crap.

Read Part 1 HERE

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I don't like my mind right now

Ever since you broke up with him, Bakugo had been miserable. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t function. The only thing he could do was train. He had lost you and he couldn’t get you back.

Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary

He still loved you, and you didn’t love him back anymore. One sided love creates all sorts of problems. So many problems piled up.

Wish that I could slow things down

He wishes that he could take back what he said. He wishes that he didn’t speak so impulsively, that he slowed down and though about his words before they left his mouth. But he couldn’t turn back the clock, so the only thing he could do was let go.

I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic

He wanted to let you go, but he couldn’t. He wanted to hold onto you for as long as possible, and every waking moment that he wasn’t training, Bakugo as looking through your social media.

And I drive myself crazy

You had removed all of the pictures of the two of you together after the break up. He missed seeing his tag on your photos. He missed being able to retrace your entire relationship just from your social media page. He missed you.

Thinking everything's about me

Bakugo still had all of the pictures with you on his pages. He knew that if he archived them it meant that you were really gone forever. He didn’t want to think that it was all over, even if deep down he knew the truth. He wanted to hold onto these last threads of your broken relationship. Bakugo knew he had to let go, so he tapped on one of his posts with you in it.

Yeah, I drive myself crazy

He knew you were gone, but he couldn’t do it. Bakugo couldn’t wipe you from his life, so he exited Instagram and opened messages. His finger hovered over your name. He wanted to text you and tell you how much he missed you, how much he loves you.

'Cause I can't escape the gravity

He couldnt escape you. Everywhere he went he saw you. Even if you weren’t really there, to him, every place you went together had a small piece of you.

I'm holding on

When he saw you for real the first time after the breakup, he thought it was his imagination running wild again. That was until you looked at him. Imaginary you never did that. Bakugo knew that it was really you. He thought that you had finally given up running from him, and that maybe he could move on because you had too.

Why is everything so heavy?

But he couldn’t, because when he saw you, his heart ached so much that it felt like it was physically hurting. It felt like a weight heavier than anything he had ever lifted was placed on his back. He knew that he couldn’t let go. He couldn’t set himself free just yet.

Holding on

He couldn’t let you go. It had been months since the breakup, and he still couldn’t let you go. He still held onto the hope that you still loved him as much as he still loved you.

So much more than I can carry

He wanted to go and apologize to you, to take the weight off of his back, to end it for real. To tell you that he was sorry for everything, and that he wouldn’t bother you anymore.

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down

But he couldn’t. Bakugo couldn’t bring himself to go and talk to you. Not after everything he did. So he let the weight sit on his back.

If I just let go, I'd be set free

Everytime he saw you, he considered finishing it for real, to tell you that he was sorry and move on. He could be set free from his guilt.

Holding on

But he didn’t want to. He was going crazy, trying to keep this nonexistent relationship alive, but Bakugo didn’t care that he was being insane. He just needed something to care about, because the only thing that he truly cared about was gone. So if the only thing Bakugo cared about was this pretend relationship he still had going with you, so be it.

Why is everything so heavy?

When you saw Bakugo, you felt your heart fall. He still made you feel this way, even after all this time. Even after you told yourself that you had moved on.

You say that I'm paranoid

Everywhere you went, you saw him. His blonde hair poking up between the people in the crowds. His black tanktop passing by on the trains. Every time you saw him somewhere, you felt haunted by a ghost. A ghost from your past that you couldn’t let go.

But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me

You hated that you couldn’t face him. You were too scared of what he would say to you. You were too scared that he would say that he had moved on.

It's not like I make the choice

But you were more scared of what you would say to him. Because if he moved on, then that meant that you would have to move on.

To let my mind stay so fucking messy

So you pushed your emotions back like you always did and continued to live your life with thoughts of Bakugo constantly ravaging your mind.

I know I'm not the center of the universe

You didn’t mean anything to him, he made that clear, but he was the center of your universe. He was your everything.

But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

You knew he didn’t love you, but deep down, you still loved him. You knew it would take a long time to move on, so you started dating again. Hoping you could move on and find someone else to love. And you did, you found someone else.

I know I'm not the center of the universe

Bakugo knew that he didn’t mean anything to you, you made that clear by avoiding him for months.

But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

Bakugo knew you didn’t love him, but he still loved you. So he kept himself away from the dating scene.

I'm holding on

Bakugo told himself multiple times that he wasn’t dating because he ddin’t have time, but in reality, he still held onto the hope that you would want him back.

Why is everything so heavy?

Until he saw that Ketsubutsu guy, Yo Shindo, walk into the common room. He wondered what that idiot was doing at UA, until he saw you smile and walk towards him. Then it clicked.

Holding on

Shindo grabbed you in a hug, and threw a dirty look over your shoulder straight at Bakugo. The worst part was that you jumped into his arms willingly.

So much more than I can carry

He wanted to say that he was okay with it. He wanted to just roll his eyes and walk away.

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down

But he couldn’t lie to himself, he was jealous. Not just jealous, Bakugo was enraged that you were hanging out with that Shindo guy. He was enraged that he had been replaced.

If I just let go, I'd be set free

So instead of going back to his dorm, he followed you and Shindo.

Holding on

Bakugo watched as Shindo did everything he didn’t. Shindo held your hand and talked with you. He kissed your cheek and laughed when you said something funny. He bought you lunch and gave you a flower.

Why is everything so heavy? I know I'm not the center of the universe

He saw the way you looked at Shindo. Like he was the center of your universe.

But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

It was the way you used to look at Bakugo.

I know I'm not the center of the universe

He watched as Shindo looked at you the same way. The way Bakugo looked at you. The way Bakugo still looked at you.

But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

He knew that he wasn’t the center of your universe anymore, but for some reason, he still couldn’t let go, no matter how much he tried.

And I drive myself crazy

He hated himself so much for losing the best thing that ever happened to him. He hated himself for screwing up everything good in his life.

Thinking everything's about me

He hated that he couldn’t get over himself just to keep you with him. He hated that the weight of your breakup was still tied to his back and that it wasn’t getting any lighter after seeing that you had moved on.

Holding on

Years passed, and Bakugo never got into another relationship.

Why is everything so heavy?

He was still dragging around the weight on his back. It never got lighter. Not when he immersed himself in his hero work, or when he saw you and Shindo on the news together as the hero couple that everyone loved.

Holding on

Bakugo felt like he was being crushed, but he continued on with his life. Until one day, he got a letter in the mail. “You are invited to the wedding of Yo Shindo and (y/n) (l/n).” It was at this moment that the weight became too heavy. It crushed him, and Bakugo Katsuki, the pro hero Ground Zero who feared nothing, broke down into sobs.

So much more than I can carry

His entire world shattered that day. It should have been his name with yours on that invite. It should have been him who you were marrying. Bakugo was so overcome with sadness that he did the only thing that he could when he was sad. He masked it as anger. Why the hell would you invite him to your wedding? Was this some sort of joke?

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down

Bakugo was angry, but he still loved you even after all this time, so he went to your wedding, and he watched as you walked down the aisle to marry a man that wasn’t him.

If I just let go, I'd be set free

He watched as you and Shindo looked into each others eyes with so much love that he regretted his decion to attend the wedding. Bakugo regretted not tearing the invite in half and shoving it into the recycle bin.

Holding on

He listened as you recited your vows and said “I do”. He listened as he heard the priest say “Any objections?”, and Bakugo wanted to stand up and proclaim his love for you. He wanted to stand up and tell you that you belonged with him. To take you back and love you just as much as you loved him back at UA.

Why is everything so heavy?

But the he remembered what you said to him all those years ago. He remembered: “Were you always this selfish?”, and Bakugo made his decision. For once in his life, it wasn’t selfish. He owed it to you. Maybe the selfish part of him wanted you to be with him, but the part of him that still loved you and wanted the best for you was telling him to let you be happy, so he stayed silent.

Why is everything so heavy?

As Shindo swept you into a kiss, it was all crystal clear to Bakugo. He would never get over you. He would carry the weight of your breakup for the rest of his life. Maybe the weight would get lighter, and maybe it would only get heavier, but it would always be there.

Why is everything so heavy?

Bakugo finally realized that you had moved on from him. You had Shindo. You didn’t need him anymore.

If I just let go I’ll be set free.

You had finally let go. You were finally free.

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chusui00 · 3 years

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Have A Little Faith

Word Count: 1,783

Summary: You are at Lady Danbury’s evening ball, which is the perfect opportunity to find a potential suitor so that you can finally settle down. But of course, it’s not as easy as it sounds. You’ve found yourself standing far away from everyone else, and just when you think tonight will be fruitless, your childhood friend, Anthony Bridgerton, changes all of the thoughts inside your head.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Tonight was the night where I needed to do a little flirting with men I have never personally met, and hopefully, I’ll impress them with my charms. That’s if they would gauge their attention onto me instead of whatever they wanted to boast about.

Mama practically talked my ear off when we were upon arriving Lady Danbury’s estate, but Richard distracted her with the topic of his new fiancée like the eldest brother he is. I still hadn’t thanked him for his act of bravery, although, that could wait for when we were in the carriage.

In my mind, I ventured on about whether or not he would be at the ball. The last time we’ve met was nearly three days ago when our families agreed to have a picnic in celebration of a newborn baby coming into the world. As much as I enjoyed engaging in social encounters, I had been more comfortable with reading alone in my room.

But alas, he persuaded me to join everyone outside where we could eat and share jokes under the warm sun together. Since then, I couldn’t stop thinking about the way his shoulder brushed against mine more than enough times to call it accidental.

The man even offered to feed me a sandwich and delectable piece of scone he had already bitten into. Luckily for the two of us, our families were too immersed with doting over the aforementioned newborn baby to realize what we were doing.

Viscount Bridgerton, informally known as Anthony or Bridgerton by both family and close friends. I was not exempt from the latter formalities, although, I’ve always wondered what my life would be like if I had not crossed paths with him.

He is everything and more when Lady Whistledown wrote about him in her society’s paper last Tuesday. And to be quite frank, he needed to work for what he wanted rather than let it fall into his lap.

It seemed unfathomable the way he charmed his way through women of the ton while simultaneously rejecting them. I found it entertaining to see the crestfallen faces of girls my age, but am I to blame for their naïveté?

Anthony Bridgerton is a Rake through and through, which I can say with the utmost certainty because I am his childhood friend.

Now, don’t get me wrong. He loves his mother and siblings in place of his late father, and he is very passionate in regards of his interests. That includes women who have a pretty face and have given him an unforgettablely good time.

But this did not excuse the trail of broken hearts as well as tearful confessions behind the Viscount. Although a bit discouraging for someone who harbored feelings for the man, I always kept a smile on my face whenever we had a conversation with one another.

Anthony was extremely well-versed in politics, social skills, and the economy. There were times when I tested him on a popular topic in the papers, which as expected, he excelled.

I should not be thinking about the past at this hour. Everyone around me was dancing, drinking their glasses of champagne, and looking for someone to court. Letting out a deep sigh, I brush off a speck of invisible dust from the hem of my dress.

That’s when I see him, politely making his way through the crowd to go to where I am. A silent panic breaks my former calm demeanor, and I quickly stand taller to seem more presentable. It does not go unnoticed in the slightest, thus Anthony chuckles behind a hand then he stands before me in his handsome glory.

“Good evening, Miss Willows. How are you enjoying the ball so far?” There’s a mischievous glint behind those mesmerizing brown eyes, but onlookers would mistake it as a completely different emotion. “Hello, Lord Bridgerton. I’m much comfortable standing on the sidelines rather than dancing the night away. Thank you for asking, my lord.”

He shakes his head with amusement, and he finds my honest reply to be of a different mood compared to the other young women. “Then you shan’t refuse my offer to dance the night away, Miss Willows.” I furrow my brows in confusion and not a moment later, I’m swept onto the dance floor.

I’ve not the chance to process all that has happened, but Anthony keeps me focused on him and only him. He lowers his head to whisper words of encouragement, and I flush like a rose when he sneaks a kiss on the apple of my cheek. It’s too much for me to understand why he chose me instead of any other woman he wanted in the ball room.

“I’m relieved to see that you’re not stepping on my feet, and how beautiful your smile glows, Miss Willows.” I’m temporarily rendered speechless as to why he’s suddenly being quite the gentleman towards me. If it weren’t for the bystanders, he and I would be playfully bantering nonstop about the most random things we could think of.

“Anthony, tell me, what’s gotten into you? I appreciate the change of attitude, but it’s not the Bridgerton I know.” He’s unresponsive for a minute, then two. I can feel his grip on my waist tighten and the subtle action to bring our bodies closer. I’m not sure how I should react, but I needn’t say anything at all when he spins me around.

“My mother wants me to find a young lady to court because she’s tired of me being a bachelor for most of my life.” “Well, I can’t say I’m not surprised because she’s right.” I’m quick to give my reply, and he briefly glares down at me. “Oh, come now, Anthony. Even Lady Whistledown knows about your spectacular reputation and preferences.”

“Yes, but that’s all she knows about me, y/n. I just don’t think I’m capable of settling down with a family of my own in the near future.” The song comes to an end, and we bow before walking together for some refreshments. I say my hellos to several couples, single lords, and some of my friends when we come across them.

“That is a lie because from my knowledge, you’re the spitting image and exact replica of your father, Anthony Bridgerton.” “Y/n, I’m grateful to have met an extraordinary woman like yourself, but sometimes you get on my nerves.” That stabbed me right in the heart. Alright, perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned his late father, but he didn’t have to be so harsh.

“Look, all I’m saying is that you can marry whoever you want to, but you’d most definitely choose a woman with the same personality as yours.” I watch him take a swig from his wine glass, and then he points it at me. Narrowing my eyes as I brace myself for possible humiliation, he sets down the glass and takes my hand to drag me off to someplace other than where we were now.

I won’t lie when I say that I was nervous yet excited to find out where he was taking me. Benedict, Colin, and Eloise all looked our way then at their mother, and I could tell that they had connected the dots. It was a good thing that Lady Bridgerton found her happy place with alcohol, otherwise she would’ve stopped Anthony in his tracks.

We eventually reach our destination, which so happens to be one of countless rooms that was conveniently far away for anyone to hear. Don’t tell me... “Anthony, what are we doing over here? Shouldn’t we be with all those people, and dancing the night away?”

No answer from my captor. He seemed to be in deep thought, and I scoffed in disbelief. I most certainly did not want to spend the rest of my time on my friend, especially when he wouldn’t tell me why he brought me here. “Look, I came to this ball to find a suitor. If you won’t answer me, then—“

Before I knew it, his lips were on mine. The hand that was once squeezing my waist found its rightful place, and the other gently brushed my hair back. I fluttered my eyes closed, letting myself melt in his embrace as we kissed with a fiery passion I knew that had always been between us.

A few moments later, he pulled away then buried his face into the crook of my neck. I felt him inhale then exhale, as though he was trying to control himself from doing something I hadn’t done before. “I want you, y/n. But only if you’ll allow me to court you. We have gone through thick and thin in our childhood, and I want nothing more to continue for the rest of our lives.”

The Viscount Anthony Bridgerton was asking for my consent to be courted, and I would be delusional to reject his confession. I’ve never seen him so sincere and vulnerable like this before, and it made me giggle. He must’ve thought that I was going to refuse his offer, but I snake my arms around his neck then kiss his soft lips for reassurance.

“I’ve never thought you would ask, Anthony. But this means no more secret meetings, alright? If I hear an inkling about you being where you’ve told me you wouldn’t be at, then I’m ending things. Am I clear, Bridgerton?” He swallows thickly and nods, so I’m rather grateful that my warning has gotten through.

I bring my hands to cup his face, and I now see how much he adores me the way he relaxes against my touch. Unfortunately, we’ve been gone for far too long, but I don’t doubt that he’ll come up with a reasonable excuse to his worrying mama.

Anthony kisses the top of my head before taking my hand and leading me back the way we came. I intertwine our fingers to which he brings up to his lips and kisses my knuckles. “It might be too soon to say this, but I absolutely and undoubtedly love you, y/n Willows. I promise to cherish you for as long as I am going to live.”

It takes a bit for me to absorb the sudden declaration, but I’m not complaining whatsoever. All that mattered was that we shared equal affection for one another, and we were willing to work for a bright, lovely lifestyle ahead of us. “And I wholeheartedly love you, Anthony Bridgerton. You are mine for eternity,”

Some might say that we were too inexperienced when it came to love, but we ignored their opinions. Like my mama used to tell me when I was a child, “Have a little faith.”

#bridgerton #anthony bridgerton #bridgerton imagine #romance

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wouldduskwood · 3 years

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Jake's POV Descendants of Despair Part 43

The next couple of days passed like a blur as we put our plan into action. To begin with, I had been able to distance myself from the emotion to some extent, working instead on my hack and planting an email into a couple of accounts that advertised a fake company specialising in security. I had also created company details and provided many falsified reviews that I hoped would draw their attention. Fielding useless queries into our fake service was tedious though. I had no guarantee all the information I had posted would work, and a massive part of me hoped it wouldn't.

Yesterday, I had spent the better part of the day falsifying some details to give her an identity that would persuade the prison to allow her access. This task was embarrassing as I hadn't really wanted her to know just how bad my life before her had been. I wanted her to see me as someone worth being with. Someone that could potentially one day provide her with a solid future where we could both be ourselves, safe, happy. Together.

Being over cautious, I had managed to sway her into helping me create traps that would give her an advantage over potential pursuers. I guessed she was being skeptical and humouring me with her agreement, but it made me feel better none the less. As we pieced together these traps, we waited for night to fall so we would have a better shot at deploying them without being seen. It would also be our first chance at testing whether our equipment could mess with their camera system. Once this was done, we sat, staring intently at the window, waiting for darkness. The tension was high. We both knew that this was a very minor step in our chance for freedom. If this failed, the chances of success for anything else would be dampened.

Finally, the fading light signaled we were safe to leave our confines and drive the half hour trip to the prison. I was on edge, filled with intense need and fear. As we reached the door to our home, I turned and pressed her against the wall, the stress of the situation forced my hands in balled fists on either side of her body. I stared intensely into her eyes for a moment before I smashed my lips against hers. My tongue pressed urgently against her lips until I gained access to her tongue. Pressing my body closer to hers, my breathing became shallow as I forced myself to back away. “Sorry,” I mumbled, suddenly trying to avoid her gaze. I tried to force myself to shut down. Go back into the cold and emotionless state that I had been in before she had turned my world upside down.

Then she touched me, gently lifting my chin. Her very touch tore me to shreds. This was meant to be the safest option. So why, then, did it feel like the end of the fucking world. “We can do this,” she whispered. “You made me strong.” Her words were sweet and well intentioned but it did nothing to stop the very real pain that was ripping through me. I lifted a hand to caress her hair then pulled her hood into position. “I hope you’re right,” I replied as I pulled my own hood up and led the way to the car.

As I drove, I forced myself to think of nothing but the next step. Relegating her to just another cog in the wheel. I knew that this was the last step that needed to be accomplished, so I focused on just the requirements. As I reached the outskirts of the prison, I began to slow. 'Be professional, don't fuck this up.' I begged internally. “Right, if this works, I will give you around 15 minutes to get up there and get the traps in place,” I stated, suddenly business-like. 'Business, that was it, nothing personal, nothing pleasurable, just business,' I told myself. Her hand reached hesitantly towards my own, but before she could touch me I forced myself to move my own out of her reach. “Sorry, for me to let you do this, I need to remain professional. All business,” I apologised coldly, turning my back to her as I worked on my laptop.

“Right, the cameras are no longer functioning. Go,” I stated, without looking at her. As she left the car with the equipment I sat, watching the surroundings and forcing myself to be immersed on the mission at hand. Just when I thought I was going to lose the plot, I saw her reappear in the distance, running towards the car.

Opening the door, she jumped into the passenger seat. I drove quickly a few blocks away then pushed a couple of buttons on my laptop, freeing the cameras once more. Once this was accomplished, I shut my laptop and chucked it on the backseat then drove my way to the outskirts of town. As I drove, I began to let myself feel again. The rush of emotion was intense and I needed some form of outlet. Spotting an unkempt trail, I drove down it and found myself in a secluded area completely off the beaten track. As I parked, she turned to face me, surprised.

I stared at her hungrily, no longer worried about concealing my emotions. Need. I needed her.

18+ Part 4 (Smut, Can Skip)

Part 44

#duskwood jake x #duskwood jake pov #duskwood jakexplayer #duskwood jake x player #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood fanfiction #duskwood fanfic #duskwood jakexmc fanfic #duskwood #duskwood jakexmc #fanfiction #fanfic #duskwood jake #jake x mc #jakexmc #hackerman

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delunesnumberonefan · 4 years

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Love me like an ocean, drown me in your waves

"You know, darling," DeLune started, rolling over to face Jubilee. "They say it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich person to get into heaven."

"So I've heard," Jubilee replied.

"What are you going to do if I don't get in?"

"I'll get you in," Jubilee promised. "I'm on good terms with the big man upstairs, I'll get you in."

And DeLune wasn't…she wasn't satisfied with that answer, but she took it. And the ensuing silence was so long that she figured Jubilee had dropped the subject.

"And if he doesn't listen to me," Jubilee started after a time, "then I guess I'm joining you in hell. Because I don't want to live eternally if it's not with you."

Jubilee's answer practically knocked the wind out of DeLune. It wasn't what she had said, DeLune had had people make such promises before.

No, it had such an effect on her because unlike past times, DeLune knew Jubilee meant it. Jubilee wasn't exaggerating her love or putting on a show. Jubilee would meet her at the pearly gates and bargain with her god for DeLune's eternal soul, and if that god turned his back on DeLune, Jubilee would turn her back on him. Jubilee would forsake her chance at eternal life with the god she loved and had worshipped practically since birth in favor of DeLune, because of the simple fact that she loved her.

Jubilee didn't say things flippantly. That wasn't her style. The fact that Jubilee had said this now meant that she had thought long and hard about it, had worked through this puzzle and come to this conclusion over and over again until it was a truth she had accepted wholeheartedly and without hesitation. She was Jubilee Waters, she followed Pelor, and she would rather swan dive into a pool of sulphur and be damned to torment than live without DeLune.

She always said these things so easily...DeLune almost envied her for it. Jubilee may not have always been in touch with her more negative emotions, but she wore her heart on her sleeve and wasn't afraid to say very heartfelt, moving things. It had caught DeLune off guard more than once; they would be having a shallow conversation and Jubilee would say something so casually that it would take DeLune a moment to understand the depth of feeling behind it.

Jubilee had always been this way, ever since DeLune had met her. She loved so fiercely and with everything that she had that it had scared DeLune in the beginning. She just hadn't been on the receiving end of such an intense, unashamed love very often before Jubilee.

It didn't surprise her that Jubilee had said this, per se, but it had shown her another layer of Jubilee's love for her, and it had made her realize how deep that love went. Trying to measure how much Jubilee loved her was like trying to dig to find the end of a dandelion root; you started out digging a small hole but soon you were in a hole six feet deep with no sign of the end.

Jubilee loved everyone deeply, but Jubilee also loved her the most, and DeLune could see how that influenced Jubilee's actions, even in things so small as walking between DeLune and the street, or pouring water or wine for her first. Love showed through in everything Jubilee did for her, big or small--or even big being disguised as small, as it was now.

"What did I ever do to deserve you," DeLune murmured.

"You existed, and you decided to love me," Jubilee said, pressing a kiss to DeLune's forehead. "How could I not repay that with every inch of me?"

Jubilee loved deeply and fiercely and without hesitation. Sometimes that got her into trouble, mostly because she was a giver: she would give all of herself if it meant helping out someone she loved. Jubilee sometimes had a hard time knowing if she was giving too much.

A small part of DeLune worried that that was the case in this situation.

"You're giving too much up for me," DeLune said softly.

"I couldn't live with myself if I didn't," Jubilee said, brushing a thumb over DeLune's cheek. "I couldn't live in bliss without you by my side, it wouldn't be right. This is the only choice for me to make."

"I want you to be happy."

"You make me happy. And if my god can't see that, can't see how wonderful of a person you are, how kind and caring and giving you are? If my god can't see that, I don't think he's a god who deserves my worship." Jubilee shrugged, a little helplessly. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me. What kind of god would ask me to give that up? What kind of a fool would I be to listen?"

DeLune, instead of responding, cupped Jubilee's face in her hands and kissed her, kissed her hard, trying to put every ounce of love she had for her into the kiss because Jubilee loved her so much so easily and DeLune felt like she didn't show enough love in return.

When they parted, Jubilee rested her forehead against DeLune's.

"I love you, DeLune. With all that I am, I love you."

"And I love you, darling." DeLune's eyes darted away from Jubilee's face. "I have a hard time showing it sometimes, but I love you. You mean the world to me, dear. There's no one else I would rather have by my side."

"There's no place I would rather be," Jubilee said, smiling. "Not heaven, not anywhere." Jubilee cupped DeLune's face and gently urged her to look at her again. "Not once, DeLune, not once have I felt unloved by you. You may not show it in the same ways I do, but you still show your love. I've learned to recognize it, and I cherish every display of affection."

"How do I show love?" DeLune asked.

If she was being honest, she felt like she didn't show Jubilee love often enough. She felt insecure in the face of Jubilee's love, deep and wide like the ocean as it was. She felt like she was bringing a bucket to the beach in hopes of measuring up to that depth.

"Your pet names for me," Jubilee said simply. "You buy me gifts. You spend more time with me than anyone else. You cuddle with me and hold me when I'm sad."

"Those are everyday things."

"Exactly, DeLune. Every day you show me love in numerous ways, important ways. You call me “darling” and “dear” to show the world that I'm not only “Jubilee” to you, but that I'm something special, something extra, something more. You buy me gifts, sometimes before I even realize that I need the thing you bought me, because you notice things in a way that I don't. You spend so much time with me, even if we're not doing anything special, because you want to be around me and you want me to be around you in turn. You cuddle me, you let me hold you, you hold me, and that means the world to me because I'm a very touch-oriented person. I…I never feel unloved when I'm with you."

Jubilee smiled at her, and DeLune could practically feel the fondness and affection and love radiating off of Jubilee, all for her. It crashed into her like waves against her cliffs, and like millions of years passing by in seconds, she felt her cliffs crumble to sand.

DeLune buried her face in the crook of Jubilee's neck and clutched her to her, immersing herself in the steady, purposeful waves of Jubilee's breathing and heartbeat.

"You do enough for me," Jubilee told her. "You're enough for me, more than enough."

"You've loved me from the start," DeLune said. "You loved me even when I didn't love you yet. You've loved me so long, so deeply."

"DeLune, I question anyone who could meet you and not love you."

DeLune let out a huff of laughter despite herself. "Then you're going to be questioning a lot of people, darling. I'm not always well liked."

"Well, they're dumb."

Jubilee said it with such certainty and such surety that DeLune had to laugh.

"They are!" DeLune could hear the smile in her voice. "If they can't see how wonderful you are, they're dumb. That's it, that's the bottom line."

"Thank you, darling."

"Of course." DeLune felt Jubilee press a kiss to her hair. "And of course I loved you, DeLune. I'm a good judge of character, I knew that there was something kind in you. And I've found it, and it's so much better than I could've imagined."

"If you keep talking like this I might cry."

"Well, we can't have that, can we?" The smile was back in her voice. "We can't have people knowing Claire DeLune Candor cries."

"It would ruin my reputation," DeLune said, smiling. "I would just be known as some old woman who cries because her girlfriend says nice things to her."

"Exactly. We can't have that." Jubilee pressed another kiss to her hair. "One last thing before we stop talking about this in order to save your reputation."

"Yes, darling?"

"You mean the world to me and I love you and you're good to me and I don't think I'll stop loving you as long as I live and beyond."

"Good. You know too much about me, I can't let you leave."

Jubilee laughed. "Yes, I know far too much. Like how you're a little spoon."

"Stop."

"Or how you only like marmalade on your toast."

"You're spilling all of my secrets, Jubilee."

"Or how you cough like you're trying to scare away a tarrasque but sneeze like a kitten."

"However will I go on with the world knowing this about me?" DeLune sighed dramatically.

"Or how one time when we were having sex you planned out a steam engine while eating me out and drew the schematics on my back once you were done so you wouldn’t forget."

"I didn't know where the paper was and I was in a hurry, Jubilee. My memory isn't what it used to be, and I knew that if I forgot how I designed that steam engine I would never remember it."

Jubilee laughed again and pressed a kiss to DeLune's forehead.

"I love you," Jubilee said.

"I love you too."

There was silence for a time, and they just basked in each other's company.

"What time is it, do you know?" DeLune asked suddenly.

"About ten. Why?"

"You mentioned marmalade and now I've got a craving for a good piece of toast, and I'm wondering if it's too late to make some."

Jubilee laughed, loud.

"Another piece of blackmail: your weird cravings."

"This is far from the weirdest craving I've had," DeLune pointed out. "You should've seen me when I was pregnant."

"I can only imagine," Jubilee said. She pressed another kiss to DeLune's forehead. "Let's go make toast."

#roselyn talks #i posted this in the discord for dndb but i didn't get a lot of validation so i'm posting ithere #roselyn's writing #JubiLune #DeLune tag #jubilee tag #idk man #i've graduated from ''haha DeLune super sexy oof hot'' to ''why not make her just. the biggest dork''#like don't get me wrong she's still super sexy and im in love with her #but like. dumbassery makes me weak #hence the last part of this fic #idk my dude #i just get emotional about them a lot and i wrote this yesterday and it was like god herself channeled the Gay through my hands

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space-romantic · 4 years

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Lady Luck is Watching Us

Alright, #HypMicRarepairWeek2020 is here. First time participating, but that doesn’t mean I will go soft on this one.

Genre: Comedy. Fandom: Hypnosis Microphone. Word count: 2,735 Prompt: Day 1 - Happy Birthday Doppo! Summary: For Doppo, his birthday is a day like any other. There's nothing special about it. But a meeting with Dice and a trip to the casino could make his day better.

Kudos go BRRR! on AO3! (・ω・) /

Every single day is the same.

Or so Doppo says to himself as he walks the streets of Shinjuku slowly and unenthusiastically. Even though it's his birthday, for him, it's a day just like any other. The only difference today is that, because it's his birthday, he only had to work one extra hour instead of the two or three he usually does.

He sighs gloomily as his eyes wander to his feet, watching them move through the endless streets. He knows that his body is going home, but his head is still at the office, thinking about how to fix numbers, reviewing payment orders, or thinking of meetings with clients. At the mere thought of it, he already feels restless.

Sometimes Doppo wants to disappear from the Earth. Sometimes Doppo wants to climb up in the company so that no one will ever set foot on him again. Sometimes Doppo wants to yell at everyone to leave him alone and just hide in his house. Sometimes Doppo wants to have a lot of money and not have to go back to work ever again.

And whatever it is, what he feels is that all that is just a dream, something he may never be able to achieve. And he sighs again at the thought of wasting his time daydreaming.

The street lights turn on as he continues to walk, immersed in the bustle of the crowd. The bars are open, and the nightlife begins. Hifumi is probably no longer at home, he has gone to work.

His thoughts are interrupted the moment his shoulder hits someone else's. The documents he holds in his hands end up on the floor along with his dignity, although he suspects that he lost it long ago. Without looking at who he is addressing, he can only say "I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" as he rushes to pick up everything to leave as soon as possible and save himself from embarrassment.

“Huh? Why don't cha look where you're going, you corporate pet?”

He immediately recognized that voice. There would be no one else to call him that, much less on the street. As he looked up, he recognized Dice Arisugawa's face easily.

From his mouth ajar no words would come, not even to apologize. The only thing Doppo can do is bow at 90 degrees to show how sorry he is, but he only hears a sound of contempt coming from the blue-haired man. It doesn't surprise him at all because that's how he feels about himself, too.

Once he finds words, they come out of his mouth without much thought, surprising him on the spot. "I'm sorry, I didn’t see where I was walking. It's my birthday, and I was distracted."

Not only was his mouth ajar now, but his eyes were like saucers as he realized how straightforward it was to say something like that. In the position of reverence that he was showing to Dice, he closed his eyes tightly, regretting that he had said that.

You fucking moron, you ruined it again…

He can feel his ears turning red with shame... it feels like he is not himself today. Once he returns to a normal position, he apologizes once again with a quick bow so that he can leave quickly. But as he passes by Dice, Doppo notices how his hand moves forward with agility, resting it on his shoulder, making Doppo turn around to face him.

"Is it true that it's your birthday?"

"Y-yes."

And he notices Dice’s smile. That carefree smile, so different from his. For a moment, Doppo is jealous of him.

Everything fades away when he feels the same hand that was on his shoulder comes down to rest on his arm, when a pull wakes him up from the dream.

"Then let's go! It's time to celebrate it the right way."

Doppo notices how he chokes on words again, without being able to express any of them properly, and then he shouts "Huh? Why? Where are you taking me?" But he forgets that the street is an inappropriate place for such questions as people start to turn to look at them when they hear his altered voice. Once again, he only knows how to bow and apologize to passers-by for having interrupted their day in such a rude way.

"So, you're not just a corporate pet, you're a total people-pleaser, ain'tcha?"

As he follows Dice, he can notice how he bites his tongue and cheeks so as not to say anything. In a way he knows Dice is right, but there's nothing he can do to stop himself from doing that. And yet he can't stand the discomfort any longer and replies that it's not about being a people-pleaser, but that I don’t want to stand out. I just want to be accepted, and for that I cannot show myself as socially incompetent. Or actually, he thinks about that answer, but nothing comes out of his mouth because he is too busy biting his lower lip.

After walking for a while, they arrive at their destination: a casino. Dice' smile shines through the flashing lights, anticipating what was about to happen. If Doppo were in his place, he could feel how his blood was starting to run faster, how the adrenaline from the thought of approaching a slot machine started flowing inside him. But of course, he wouldn't, because office rats don't understand these common pleasures.

"Hey, man, happy birthday! Even if you're a corporate bitch, you deserve to chill out sometimes."

Dice interrupts his thoughts with a sincere laugh and a pat on his shoulder, but Doppo doesn't understand what's so funny. Despite his sharp manner of speaking, Doppo manages to smile shyly at him as to thank him. But on the inside, he’s scared that his smile is seen as hypocritical.

Not caring about Doppo's internal monologue, Dice reaches into his jacket pockets, looking for something quickly. He pulls out a white disposable lighter. Doppo thinks it looks pretty ordinary, but if it serves its purpose, he's not one to judge. The gambler lights it with a twist of his wrist and a long orange flame crosses between the two of them, illuminating their faces.

"C’mon, make a wish! Y’know what they say: your luck is at its best when it's your birthday."

The redhead notices that Dice's emotion is contrasted with his own melancholy, but this flame is bringing them together in some way. He would like to think that it is the flame of life and that Dice is trying to give him a little bit of his vitality, something that will change the grey that invades his day by day.

He inhales deeply, filling his lungs. He wants to think of a wish that he can say out loud, but another kind of thought crosses his mind.

“Uh… I’m sorry, but— uh, who says that your luck is at the best on your birthday?”

The question takes Dice by surprise, who blinks a couple of times without saying anything. The flame goes out and Dice starts laughing. First a muffled chuckle and then a loud laugh. He laughs so hard that people passing by start looking at him. A couple of tears goes down on his face as he laughs, his hands are thrown on his abdomen to steady himself but he keeps on laughing. Meanwhile, Doppo apologizes once again to the strangers passing by, for making them uncomfortable. Once the laughter dies down, Dice finally speaks again.

“What about your damn wish, man? You don’t have anythin’ else to say than that? No one says that, duh! I just made it up!”

Dice laughs again and this time Doppo accompanies him shyly. What he had said didn't make any sense. Who would think of asking such a stupid question? Only him. And yet, all this is hilarious: bumping into someone, being dragged into a casino. Maybe his luck was indeed strange today.

Once they calmed down, Dice relighted the flame. A half-smile lands on his face. Seeing his magenta eyes glowing, Doppo could read in them that he is telling him to make a wish that is worthwhile.

Doppo closes his eyes, thinking again about what he might wish for. He doesn't want to wish for something stupid so that Dice doesn't make fun of him. However, he utters the first thing his heart wishes for right now.

"I… I wish I could have a lot of money… so I could stop working."

Putting all his hope in that, Doppo blows out the lighter, and the flame goes out. Dice's smile doesn't go away, even when their faces are no longer lit.

"Heh, that's a good wish, man. I don't work like you but I wish the same thing.”

His hand rests again on Doppo's shoulder, but this time he gives him a sympathetic squeeze. It's as if he's implying that, deep down, they're not as different as they think. After all, they are both driven by the desire to have a good life, even if it is by different means.

Without saying anything else, they enter the casino. They approach the cash desk, where Dice takes out a couple of bills. "Next time, you pay. This time it's on me." Doppo thinks that, for once, it's nice that someone is making such a plan with him. Even if he never goes to the casino again, it would be fun to meet Dice outside of a rap battle.

Once they finish changing the money, they put the chips in their pockets. Dice seems to be in his own environment, while the office worker is dazed by the lights. People are screaming by his side; women are strutting around on the arms of guys in expensive suits. He can see both old people and office workers like him. The lights hurt his eyes, making him squint, but he forces himself to keep looking at the scene unfolding before him. It's something he doesn't want to forget easily.

"Have ya ever been in a casino before?" Doppo shakes his head as they keep walking. For a moment, Dice takes his hand to his chin, thinking carefully about his plan of action.

"Then let's go for something easy."

They are heading for the slots. A row of machines, one after the other, greets them with appealing sounds. People don't notice them as they pass by, immersed in their own games. The screens are there to make them forget about the outside world.

"I like to play Blackjack or roulette better, but since it's your first time, I guess it's better to play something easy. Pick any machine."

They both keep walking through the machines. The colors dazzle Doppo, who is already almost dizzy with everything he has seen so far. But suddenly he stops in front of one of the machines. It is as if it has called him: the screen shows a blonde girl came out from Las Vegas, wearing a blue feathered headdress and a sequined gown that leaves very little to the imagination. She winks seductively, inviting him to play and promising him big prizes if he does well.

"C-can I try this one?" Doppo asks somewhat embarrassingly, thinking that the gambler will judge him by the girl on the screen.

"Yeah, why not?"

Doppo swallows saliva while they both sit in front of the machines, side by side. The chips fall into the slot and anxious hands pull the lever, waiting for the promised prize. Doppo sees before his eyes the cherries and sevens that move without stopping, over and over again. One chip after another falls into the slot. Outside the night is still going, minute after minute, but in the casino the night is eternal. For the machines, time doesn’t exist. And for him, it was becoming easy to forget about the minutes as he watched the objects move.

"Oi, you are doin' it wrong!"

The words bring him back from his self-absorption and he finds himself facing Dice, who looks at his screen, scrutinizing everything. He can notice his frown and looks down, ready to apologize, but Dice interrupts him before he does.

"You'll never win shit like this. Lady Luck doesn't favor cowards."

Dice says as he pulls out a chip from his pocket and kisses it, fixing his eyes on Doppo, who is mesmerized by looking at him, as if he were his teacher. "If you're gonna do this, go big or fucking go home."

After raising the bet on Doppo’s machine to its maximum, Dice put the chip in its place. Once the lights flash announcing a new game, he takes the redhead's hand in his and both of them pull the lever, pulling it all the way down.

Doppo felt his mouth dry, as his eyes dug into the figures passing by in front of him. He began to feel that everything was happening in slow motion. His hand tightened so much that it formed a fist, but the force with which he was closing it made his knuckles turn white. On the screen, the figures stopped one by one. For a moment, Doppo forgets how to breath and he can't see anything but the flashing lights in front of him. Cherry, seven, cherry, seven. Non-stop, over and over again, making him dizzy. At the last empty spot in the row, the image of a pair of cherries stops.

An alarm screams in his ears along with Dice, which brings him back to reality.

"We did it! WE FUCKING DID IT!"

Dice' laugh fills all the spaces. Doppo feels Dice taking his face between both hands. The gambler’s lips land on his own lips with intensity, and then he moves forward to cover his cheeks with countless quick kisses. Dice laughs again as he lets him go to grab the chips by the handful. Swiftly, he tucks them into his pockets, overflowing with joy.

How much would we have won? Doppo wondered. What did it matter? This time, Lady Luck had been on their side.

Although Doppo's cheeks were the same color as the cherries on the screen, he began to laugh with Dice as he rushed to pick up the chips enthusiastically, feeling the adrenaline in his blood. Victory was oh so sweet. Meanwhile, the blonde girl from Las Vegas kept winking in a sensual way to invite him and others to try their luck.

Once they changed the chips for money, they split it in half. It wasn't a jackpot, but it wasn't a lousy prize either. “And that’s fine for a rookie”, Dice said.

But it was at that moment that Doppo remembered that he had to work the next day. Looking at his watch, he realized that the subway was still running, which made him let out a sigh of relief. Dice clicked his tongue.

"Hey, don't cha think it's time to go with the flow just once? You deserve a rest, dude."

Dice's words echoed in his ears. "A rest..." repeated Doppo in a low voice. Perhaps he was right. After he does some math, Doppo realizes that what he had earned today was enough to cover his expenses for a week.

The thoughts of both were interrupted by the sound of their stomachs. It was already past dinnertime. They both laughed loudly and people turned to look at them as they passed by. This time, Doppo didn’t care. He hadn't felt this happy in a long time.

"Let's have dinner, it's my treat."

But Dice's gaze landed on his again, kind of angry and ready to fight.

"I'm not letting the birthday boy buy me dinner, so it's on me."

Doppo smiled broadly. At that time, it didn’t matter who paid, what mattered was eating. He would probably take a taxi back home, today he could afford it. And maybe he would even call in sick tomorrow so he wouldn’t go to work.

For today, anything that meant not enjoying the present didn't matter to him at all.

Looking up at the sky, he told himself that night was still young, and happiness was today. He hadn’t asked Dice what he wanted for dinner, but in his mouth, he could feel the delicious taste of ramen and a cold beer. There couldn't be a better ending to that night.

#hypmic #hypmicrarepair2020 #dice arisugawa #doppo kannonzaka #comedy #a night at the casino #sudden kiss #enemies to friends #give doppo a day out please

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critic-corner · 5 years

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13 Contemporary Rom-Com Novels That You’ll (Probably) Love

Even though this is a mainly fashion and film blog, I do like to consider this a platform where I get to share my thoughts and opinions on anything of interest properly and well, reading is a big passion of mine. Even though I do talk about it on Instagram a little but, for whatever reason I don't on this blog.

Many of my reader friends ask me for recommendations, so I took this as an opportunity to create some book-related lists even though it's a little hard to do that because lists are never-ending. Anyway, I'll try. Also, don’t worry it’s not gonna turn into a book blog, it’ll just be a small segment of my entire blog.

You can click on the book title to get your own copy!

One Day In December

Laurie is pretty sure love at first sight doesn't exist anywhere but the movies. But then, through a misted-up bus window one snowy December day, she sees a man who she knows instantly is the one. Their eyes meet, there's a moment of pure magic... and then her bus drives away. Certain they're fated to find each other again, Laurie spends a year scanning every bus stop and cafe in London for him. But she doesn't find him, not when it matters anyway. Instead they "reunite" at a Christmas party, when her best friend Sarah giddily introduces her new boyfriend to Laurie. It's Jack, the man from the bus. It would be. What follows for Laurie, Sarah and Jack is ten years of friendship, heartbreak, missed opportunities, roads not taken, and destinies reconsidered.

I have never understood the love at first sight trope but because this story travels for ten years where the characters get to know each other intimately, it worked out perfectly. My favorite part about the book was how you will see these characters grow and make important life decisions. By the end, I was so emotionally invested that I was sad when the book ended.

This is definitely one of my favorite contemporary novels. I have been recommending to all of my friends, even the ones that don’t read that often. If you are a rom-com fan, get this book because it’ll simply warm your heart.

You can get your copy on Amazon - paperback or kindle.

The Royal We

American Rebecca Porter was never one for fairy tales. Her twin sister, Lacey, has always been the romantic who fantasized about glamour and fame. Yet it's Bex who seeks adventure at Oxford and finds herself living down the hall from Prince Nicholas, Great Britain's future king. And when Bex can't resist falling for Nick, the person behind the prince, it propels her into a world she did not expect to inhabit, under a spotlight she is not prepared to face. Dating Nick immerses Bex in ritzy society, dazzling ski trips, and dinners at Kensington Palace with him and his charming, troublesome brother, Freddie. But the relationship also comes with unimaginable baggage: hysterical tabloids, Nick's sparkling and far more suitable ex-girlfriends, and a royal family whose private life is much thornier and more tragic than anyone on the outside knows. The pressures are almost too much to bear, as Bex struggles to reconcile the man she loves with the monarch he's fated to become. Now, on the eve of the wedding of the century, Bex is faced with whether everything she's sacrificed for love-her career, her home, her family, maybe even herself-will have been for nothing.

If you know me, you’d know that I’m a royal family nerd. So, when I came to know about this book last year, I was all over it because it seemed like a perfect escape. And while I was expecting it to be all cheesy, I was surprised by how realistic it seemed. Yes, it has been heavily influenced by the Kate-William romance, but that only added to the thrill of it. If you want a nice royal romance which also seems relatable, this is definitely the way to go!

You can get your copy on Amazon.

This Love Story Will Self-Destruct

Meet Eve. She’s a dreamer, a feeler, a careening well of sensitivities who can’t quite keep her feet on the ground, or steer clear of trouble. She’s a laugher, a crier, a quirky and quick-witted bleeding-heart-worrier. Meet Ben. He’s an engineer, an expert at leveling floors who likes order, structure, and straight lines. He doesn’t opine, he doesn’t ruminate, he doesn’t simmer until he boils over. So naturally, when the two first cross paths, sparks don’t exactly fly. But then they meet again. And again. And then, finally, they find themselves with a deep yet fragile connection that will change the course of their relationship—possibly forever.

This book was been marketed as When Harry Met Sally reimagined and I couldn’t disagree more. Apart from the fact that the two characters meet time and again, there isn’t much else relating this story with the movie and that’s not a bad thing. I just don’t want you guys to shocked like I was. Rom-coms have a fluffy, carefree vibe to them and technically, it has those aspects, but there is an underlying sadness to the story because of the female character (with whom I surprisingly found myself relating with, by the way).

I am that person who prefers character-driven stories over plot-driven ones and while this book doesn’t really fall in either of those categories, I fell in love with the two main leads. It’s been months since I read this book and they still casually pop up in my head every now and then, and I constantly find myself talking about them like they are real people. If you are a fan of emotionally-driven romantic novels, you might like this one.

You can get your copy on Amazon - paperback or kindle.

Unmarriageable

In this one-of-a-kind retelling of Pride and Prejudice set in modern-day Pakistan, Alys Binat has sworn never to marry—until an encounter with one Mr. Darsee at a wedding makes her reconsider.

One thing to always keep in mind before reading a retelling is that you cannot expect it to be amazing. At most, it can be great. I’m saying this because the ghost of the original and the eventual comparison will always be lingering over the book which will definitely hinder the reading experience. So, just go into it expecting a nice time, and not hoping to find your all-time favorite (if you do, then obviously that’s great).

Coming to Unmarriageable, the original premise of Pride & Prejudice fits perfectly on a Pakistani back-drop, or just any desi family. And while I was expecting to fall in love with the romance, I ended up enjoying the social commentary that Soniah Kamal did and that was probably because of how similar Indian people are. All in all, it was not the best Pride & Prejudice re-tellings (I think I’m yet to find that), but I sure as hell had a fun time reading it.

You can get your copy on Amazon.

Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

No one’s ever told Eleanor that life should be better than fine. Meet Eleanor Oliphant: She struggles with appropriate social skills and tends to say exactly what she’s thinking. Nothing is missing in her carefully timetabled life of avoiding social interactions, where weekends are punctuated by frozen pizza, vodka, and phone chats with Mummy. But everything changes when Eleanor meets Raymond, the bumbling and deeply unhygienic IT guy from her office. When she and Raymond together save Sammy, an elderly gentleman who has fallen on the sidewalk, the three become the kinds of friends who rescue one another from the lives of isolation they have each been living. And it is Raymond’s big heart that will ultimately help Eleanor find the way to repair her own profoundly damaged one.

This is one contemporary novel that has managed to step out that genre and successfully enter the literary talks. I have been hearing about this book for over a year and absolutely fell in love with it. If you are not the best in social situations and have a hard time navigating through them, you might like it very much. The story is told entirely through her point of view so it was very interesting to see this lonely person find her way to life (albeit unknowingly). What surprised me was just how funny the novel was. This can easily become one of your favorites!

Also, I have to appreciate the cover designer of this novel. There are two covers and both of them are genuinely so amazing!

You can get your copy on Amazon.

Always Never Yours

17-year-old Megan Harper is about due for her next sweeping romance. It's inevitable—each of her relationships starts with the perfect guy and ends with him falling in love... with someone else. But instead of feeling sorry for herself, Megan focuses on pursuing her next fling, directing theater, and fulfilling her dream college's acting requirement in the smallest role possible. So when she’s cast as Juliet (yes, that Juliet) in her high school’s production, it’s a complete nightmare. Megan’s not an actress, and she’s used to being upstaged—both in and out of the theater. Then she meets Owen Okita, an aspiring playwright inspired by Rosaline from Shakespeare's R+J. A character who, like Megan, knows a thing or two about short-lived relationships. Megan agrees to help Owen with his play in exchange for help catching the eye of a sexy stagehand/potential new boyfriend. Yet Megan finds herself growing closer to Owen, and wonders if he could be the Romeo she never expected.

I was going into the novel fully expecting it to be cheesy or even cringey and got out surprisingly loving it’s realistic portrayal of human emotions. My favorite part was the female character and her straight-forward way of thinking, even though it sometimes prevented her from becoming vulnerable. If you are a Shakespeare nerd, I guarantee that you’ll have a ball reading this one.

You can get your copy on Amazon - paperback or kindle.

The Sun Is Also A Star

Natasha: I’m a girl who believes in science and facts. Not fate. Not destiny. Or dreams that will never come true. I’m definitely not the kind of girl who meets a cute boy on a crowded New York City street and falls in love with him. Not when my family is twelve hours away from being deported to Jamaica. Falling in love with him won’t be my story. Daniel: I’ve always been the good son, the good student, living up to my parents’ high expectations. Never the poet. Or the dreamer. But when I see her, I forget about all that. Something about Natasha makes me think that fate has something much more extraordinary in store—for both of us. The Universe: Every moment in our lives has brought us to this single moment. A million futures lie before us. Which one will come true?

Another book that I expected to dislike but surprisingly didn’t. I hate insta-love stories, but weirdly enough this one seemed convincing to me. The characters were likable and do keep in mind that the demographic the novel was trying to reach was young adult and it worked perfectly for that in my opinion. One particularly great thing about the writing-style is the fantastic use of different POVs (point-of-view). If you've ever wondered about the life of those strangers that you only meet for 10 minutes or cross on the street, then I think you’ll particularly enjoy this one.

You can get your copy on Amazon.

My Oxford Year

Set amidst the breathtaking beauty of Oxford, this sparkling debut novel tells the unforgettable story about a determined young woman eager to make her mark in the world and the handsome man who introduces her to an incredible love that will irrevocably alter her future—perfect for fans of JoJo Moyes and Nicholas Sparks.

I went into this book expecting just another rom-com, my bad. I should have paid more attention to the fact that they mentioned Nicholas Sparks on the back cover and you should too because otherwise the second half will completely take you by surprise. This book has all the elements of a giddy romance - Oxford, with it’s Harry Potter-esque interiors, English poetry and amazing fleshed out characters. It will also (probably) break your heart, so keep the tissues close by.

You can get your copy on Amazon - paperback or kindle.

Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating

Hazel Camille Bradford knows she’s a lot to take—and frankly, most men aren’t up to the challenge. If her army of pets and thrill for the absurd don’t send them running, her lack of filter means she’ll say exactly the wrong thing in a delicate moment. Their loss. She’s a good soul in search of honest fun. Josh Im has known Hazel since college, where her zany playfulness proved completely incompatible with his mellow restraint. From the first night they met—when she gracelessly threw up on his shoes—to when she sent him an unintelligible email while in a post-surgical haze, Josh has always thought of Hazel more as a spectacle than a peer. But now, ten years later, after a cheating girlfriend has turned his life upside down, going out with Hazel is a breath of fresh air. Not that Josh and Hazel date. At least, not each other. Because setting each other up on progressively terrible double blind dates means there’s nothing between them...right?

This is my second Christina Lauren novel and well, I had a ball reading it just as you’re supposed to with any of their novels. This one, in particular, stands out because not only is it well written but the characters felt oddly realistic. The first chapter did feel like the book will probably filled with all kinds of tropes because the female character is so fashionably eccentric but thankfully, non of that happened. It’ll make for an amazing weekend read!

You can get your copy on Amazon - paperback or kindle.

Vision In White

Childhood friends Mackensie, Parker, Laurel and Emmaline have formed a very successful wedding planning business together but, despite helping thousands of happy couples to organise the biggest day of their lives, all four women are unlucky in love. Photographer Mackensie Elliot has suffered a tough childhood and has a bad relationship with her mother, which makes her wary of commitment. But when she meets Carter Maguire, she can't stop herself falling for him, although his ex-girlfriend is prepared to play dirty to keep him. Mackensie soon realizes she has to put her past demons to rest in order to find lasting love...

This is first of the four in the Bride Quartet series and while I would literally suggest all four of them, just give this one a try first. There are a lot of things I like about this book, the main being the sisterhood that is majorly present in the entire series. Secondly, even though the female character has a dysfunctional family that leads her to being kinda sorta commitment-phobic, I like the relationship showcased is so healthy. Normally, in romantic books, there’s a lot of miscommunication to drive the plot ahead but this book works a nice example of how to showcase a healthy couple even if one of them (or both of them) are fighting internal battles. It’s a perfect cozy read!

You can get your copy on Amazon - paperback or kindle.

Practice Makes Perfect

Payton Kendall and J.D. Jameson are lawyers who know the meaning of objection. A feminist to the bone, Payton has fought hard to succeed in a profession dominated by men. Born wealthy, privileged, and cocky, J.D. has fought hard to ignore her. Face-to-face, they're perfectly civil. They have to be. For eight years they have kept a safe distance and tolerated each other as coworkers for one reason: to make partner at the firm. But all bets are off when they're asked to join forces on a major case. Though apprehensive at first, they begin to appreciate each other's dedication to the law— and the sparks between them quickly turn into attraction. But the increasingly hot connection does not last long when they discover that only one of them will be named partner. Now it's an all-out war. And the battle between the sexes is bound to make these lawyers hot under the collar...

This is one of the best workplace romances that I have come across and would highly recommend to everyone interested in that genre. It is a little cliche but it’s not trope-heavy which is definitely a plus. It has the right amount of heat and character development that a good fluffy contemporary demands. It’s just nice, fun ride!

You can get your copy on Amazon.

By The Book

An English professor struggling for tenure discovers that her ex-fiancé has just become the president of her college—and her new boss—in this whip-smart modern retelling of Jane Austen’s classic Persuasion.

If you couldn’t tell by now, I’m a sucker for Jane Austen re-tellings and unlike Unmarriageable, I really liked this one a lot. As I mentioned above, you can’t have your expectations with re-tellings high, but even if you expect some genuinely nice exploration of relationships (like Austen used to do, among other things), but in a modern setting then I think you will really like it. The fact that it’s completely from the female character’s point of view, makes the writing a lot more intimate. Give it a read, you may like it.

You can get your copy on Amazon.

The Upside of Unrequited

Seventeen-year-old Molly Peskin-Suso knows all about unrequited love—she’s lived through it twenty-six times. She crushes hard and crushes often, but always in secret. Because no matter how many times her twin sister, Cassie, tells her to woman up, Molly can’t stomach the idea of rejection. So she’s careful. Fat girls always have to be careful. Then a cute new girl enters Cassie’s orbit, and for the first time ever, Molly’s cynical twin is a lovesick mess. Meanwhile, Molly’s totally not dying of loneliness—except for the part where she is. Luckily, Cassie’s new girlfriend comes with a cute hipster-boy sidekick. Will is funny and flirtatious and just might be perfect crush material. Maybe more than crush material. And if Molly can win him over, she’ll get her first kiss and she’ll get her twin back. There’s only one problem: Molly’s coworker Reid. He’s an awkward Tolkien superfan with a season pass to the Ren Faire, and there’s absolutely no way Molly could fall for him. Right?

Even though personally, I wasn’t the biggest fan of the book because I just didn’t find it engaging enough, I do know that a lot of you out there might love. Not only does it have wonderful LGBTQ+ representation, but there aren’t a lot of book written about introverted young girls who love romance but have zero first-hand experience with it. I liked that it was fairly realistic and the characters were fleshed out. I’d say give it a try, you never know, may find yourself in Molly.

You can get your copy on Amazon.

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allthefilmsiveseenforfree · 5 years

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Rocketman

If you remember my Robin Hood review, you probably know that I would let Taron Egerton walk across my face in those kicky high-heeled boots up there and say “thank you” so you might think that my assessment of Rocketman, the new musical biopic in which he stars as Elton John, is a bit skewed. And I’d agree with you - I’m such a huge fan of Taron’s that it was definitely difficult for me to fully immerse myself in him playing this other real person (whom I’m also a fan of). And that disconnect, that slight gap between the layers of identity, should ruin everything - but instead, it created the most moving, fantastical, ambitious, heartbreaking biopic I’ve ever seen. How? Well...

The simple answer - because it’s all the conventions of a stage musical combined with the magic of film. It’s essentially a frame narrative set up like this - Elton has walked out of a sold-out show at Madison Square Garden to check himself into rehab. He arrives, and over the course of the film, tells his life story in group therapy. From the very first song, it’s clear that the movie is going to take you through a combination of memory, drug-fueled hallucinations, and dramatic confessions, and this fantastical conceit works so well on every level. It allows us to see Elton (born Reginald Dwight) as a young musical prodigy in his working-class upbringing in London; playing backup to blues and doo-wop groups from America; meeting Bernie Taupin (Jamie Bell) and creating a musical partnership that would last 50+ years; and striking it big in America, creating a rock ‘n roll persona that would grow to become one of the most larger-than-life and successful stage acts of all time. Oh and doing drugs and having gay sex.

Some thoughts:

First thing’s first - this is not a steeped-in-realism, this-is-exactly-how-it-happened story. The songs aren’t presented in the order they were written, some of them are remixed to include other characters besides Elton singing the verses because it fits their portion of the narrative better. This is more about using the music to show the way it felt for Elton as he made his way from child prodigy to rock superstar.

The beats are the same as most standard rock narratives - the rise, the fall, the redemption, they’re all here - but the combination of earnest heart and magical realism makes this the movie I wanted Bohemian Rhapsody to be (you know they’re going to get compared endlessly anyway) and THE standard to beat for telling the story of any queer artist’s life.

I say queer artist because the way the film is styled is pure musical theater drama. It feels camp it feels imaginative and most of all it feels queer. He’s literally crying out “I want love, just a different kind” and “I wish I was someone else” - the defining moment at the start of his performance career is a black man telling him “You have to kill the person you were born to be in order to become the person you wanna be” and he is awakened to the wide world of possibility when a gay black man kisses him. It’s like this movie was made to be an emotional crash course in queer culture, a magic mirror through which the viewer can feel what queerness feels like. It’s all the shifting, magical possibilities of a world you get to create for yourself - and, for many of us, the cost associated with it of heartbreak, loneliness, self-loathing, and disavowal from those whose approval we seek the most.

The casting all around is excellent, but the side-by-side picture comparisons during the end credits absolutely blew me away - the young man they got to play Elton as a child (Matthew Illesley) is not only the spitting image, but such a sweet, earnest kid. You fully buy into this being the most imaginative, talented young child you’ve ever seen who only wants some words of love and encouragement he’ll never get from his parents.

All I could think of when watching the Scottish piano teacher was Mrs. Badcrumble.

I love Bernie and Elton’s friendship, how it feels real and actually confronts Elton’s queerness head-on, and ends up being this beautiful, intimate male friendship that you just don’t see onscreen very much.

Did I Cry? Lord, at least three times. During the first “Your Song,” during “Rocketman” (burning out his fuse up here alone - *sob*) and during the final group therapy session. God, if you’re not invested I’m sure it feels cheesy, but everyone I was with was SO bought in, and it truly felt cathartic and really magical.

If this film doesn’t win the Oscar for Best Costumes, I will riot in the streets. The stage ensembles ALONE, but many of those were from Elton’s archives, or recreated from photographs. It’s the offstage clothes, all those horrifying, eye-watering paisley prints in velvet, corduroy, the fucking ASCOTS. Just beautifully, awfully, incredibly realized 70s styling. On a related note about these incredible stage outfits, literally how did the public not know Elton was gay. I’ll never understand it.

Movies like this make me feel like all young people did in the 70s was do drugs in the woods.

So a lot of to-do has been made about the sex scene between Taron Egerton and Richard Madden (playing Elton’s music manager, John Reid), obviously. I read that it’s the first major Hollywood studio film that has featured a gay male sex scene with actual nudity, which is kind of astonishing to me actually, but. I will say I think it was tastefully done, sexy without being gratuitously explicit, and honestly fairly brief for all the fuss that’s being made.

Also jesus it’s really fucking hot like I’m pretty sure the noise my brain made was just *ffffzzznnnntttt* and then smoke started pouring out my ears.

None of this would be possible without the central performance from Taron Egerton. It’s far and away the best work he’s ever done, a career-making performance, and on top of that, he’s singing everything. No lip syncing to Freddie’s Elton’s vocals and calling it good, he is performing every rousing high and every heartbreaking low, all while wearing the exact same over-the-top, suffocatingly Extra outfits that Elton originally performed in. And Elton’s quiet, sweet desperation for love is shining through every scene, even when he’s blacking out on cocaine and alcohol or performing for crowds of thousands on no sleep. I’m just so fucking proud of him, honestly, and so blown away by the commitment he made to every single moment of this film to make it feel as honest as it possibly could.

AND we got a classic Taron wink during “Honky Cat” so all is right with the world.

I’ve seen a lot of biopics in my life and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so achingly gutted by the pursuit of a career that promises worldwide love and adoration, all of it empty. The themes of the film may feel obvious and heavy-handed but Elton John is the world’s ultimate Drama Queen, in the best way possible - so in this case, it really really works. I think it’s gonna be a long long time (I’m sorry, I’m basically contractually obligated to make that joke) before we get another biopic that comes this close to an authentic emotional portrait of an artist’s life. Whether you know everything about the man or next to nothing, go see this film and let yourself be swept up in the magic.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

#119in2019 #rocketman #rocketman review #taron egerton #elton john #richard madden #jamie bell #bernie taupin #movie reviews #film reviews

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hopeishappinessff · 6 years

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Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 30

Hope

I watched as the tears rolled one by one down her rosy cheeks. She was completely silent and still and if it weren’t for the tears, I would think she was numb to all emotions from the blank expression on her beautiful face. I hadn’t had a chance to spend much time with Ms. Joyce since she’d come into town for the sake of her son, but I finally pushed my reservations to see her aside and figured it would be good to get her out of that room clouded with depression for a while… to hopefully take both of our minds off the situation at hand. So, there we sat across from one another in the quant and quiet space of a small Starbucks café on the first floor of the hospital. Making up every excuse in the book, I managed to somehow weasel my way out of going up to Chris’s room and instead conned her into meeting me here.

I watched as she quietly fiddled with the green straw poking from the top of her frappe and figured I would stay silent until she was ready to speak. I knew of the turmoil that’d been raging through my mind as of late, but I could only imagine what was going on in her mind and I wanted to give her just enough time to warm up to me before diving into any sort of conversation.

“My sweet boy…” She muttered in less than a fraction of a whisper, “He is… my sweet boy.”

Her stare remained glued to the drink in front of her and mine remained fixed on her as my brows began to furrow with wonderment.

“I don’t understand… where I went wrong.” Her voice remained soft, almost as if she simply did not possess the strength to speak any louder than a whisper, “How? How could something like this happen? I let this happen to him… I failed him as a mother.”

Slowly shaking my head as I now glared across the small table at her, I pushed my drink to one side and slid a hand across the surface to grip onto hers.

“It’s not your fault Ms. Joyce…”

Snatching her long-lost gaze away from the frozen treat in front of her, she stared at me as if seeing me for the first time and if at all possible her eyes watered more and the tears continued to fall incessantly.

“It is… it’s my fault. He could have been dead right now… and it’s because I failed…”

“Ms. Joyce, listen to me,” I softly demanded as I gently squeezed her hand, “This is not your fault. You’ve been an amazing mother and support system to him since I’ve known you all and at times… I even envied him because I could always imagine myself having a mother as perfect as you.”

She shook her head and laughed, though her tears remained “Honey, I’m not perfect… I’m far from it. But thank you… from the day I met you, I’ve imagined you as my own child. You are such a phenomenal young woman with a brilliant head on your shoulders. You have wisdom beyond your years. And some of the things that you’ve been through with my son at your young age… I have to commend you for the strength that you possess and your ability to stay in his corner through it all. I often wonder what that child did to deserve you.”

Nibbling nervously into my bottom lip, I dropped my gaze from the intensity of hers and sighed. I just knew if she looked into my eyes long enough, she’d read right through me and know that half of what she’d just said was untrue. I wasn’t the phenomenal young woman she spoke of. I did not possess the strength that she imagined I did. And the ability she believed I had to remain in Chris’s corner while he battled demons within… no longer existed.

I hadn’t told anyone other than Dr. Yates of my decision to end my relationship with him and I certainly wasn’t planning on discussing it with Ms. Joyce now. There was an unspoken truth behind that decision… one that would forever haunt me because it caused me more pain than I’d ever imagined and it nearly cost my love his life.

“I don’t know what to do now. The Holidays are just around the corner and… I can’t leave him here like this.” Ms. Joyce’s mumbled confession snapped me out of my somber thoughts and I finally raised my head to peer at her. She was absolutely right. Christmas was approximately one week away and though we’d all made plans to head back to Virginia to be with family and friends, no one had anticipated this tragedy and I was just as unsure as her about what to do or how to handle the situation. We both remained quiet and lost in our thoughts for a while and I continued to hold onto her hand as though it were the only source of sanity that I had left. I became so immersed in my thoughts that I failed to really notice my surroundings or the hand that stretched out to gently tap my right shoulder. With a soft gasp, I swept my head around to the right and looked up into the delicate and smiling eyes of Dr. Yates who glanced from me to Ms. Joyce then back to me.

“Hello Sy’Diyah.” She greeted politely, “Hello again Joyce.”

I watched closely as she eased around the table to occupy the empty seat beside Ms. Joyce. It seemed almost out of character for her to simply impose on someone else’s conversation, though Ms. Joyce and I weren’t conversing at all the moment she approached us. I hadn’t anticipated seeing Dr. Yates again, let alone at the hospital of all places, after my abrupt exit from her office the first and only time I’d met with her. I was sure I left a horrible impression on the woman when I fled from her after confessing the breakup with Chris and denying her any help in the situation. But as she sat across from me smiling warmly as she always seemed to, I didn’t sense an ounce of hostility from her.

“How are you this afternoon Sy’Diyah?” She asked.

Nodding slowly, I looked everywhere else around the table but at her “I’m fine… and yourself?”

“Very well, thank you. I don’t mean to impose,” She stated as I figured she would, “But I had the wonderful opportunity of meeting with Joyce earlier this morning when I dropped by to visit Christopher. With her permission, and hopefully yours as well, I thought it’d be nice if the two of you would meet with me back at my office to discuss proper… accommodations for Christopher over the Holidays.”

Only then did I lift my gaze to her and my eyes quickly danced over to the distressed stare of Ms. Joyce when I felt her gently squeeze my hand. She didn’t utter a word, but through her eyes alone I understand the significance of this meeting and having me there at her side…

The stiff leather did nothing to soothe me or calm my nerves. I thought by this point I would have been a bit more accustomed to sitting in her office and being in her presence, but the moment I nearly slipped into an unforeseen panic attack when I crossed the threshold into the space, I figured I’d probably never be completely comfortable here. In her pleasant and prestigious fashion, Dr. Yates sat up properly in her swiveling desk chair and linked her hands together on her desktop. Her stare bounced quietly from Ms. Joyce to me and the longer her eyes bore into mine, I felt the strongest urge to trust her which in turn helped me to calm down.

“Well Joyce, first I must start by saying that it was certainly a pleasure to meet you.” Dr. Yates said with a smile.

“It was a pleasure to meet you as well. I’ve heard a lot about you.” There was a tired smile plastered on Ms. Joyce’s face, but her statement seemed genuine nonetheless. I was sure she hadn’t been getting much rest since she’d been in town and my heart ached as I imagined what she was going through knowing what had happened with her only son.

“All good things I’d hope.” They shared a laugh and I giggled softly… more than anything I was simply ready for Dr. Yates to get to the point of this meeting.

“I know you’re probably wondering what this meeting will entail today,” She started, speaking my exact thoughts, “I’ve been able to visit Christopher a few times since he’s been admitted into the hospital and for now, I believe he is stable enough.”

“For?” Ms. Joyce blurted abruptly.

“For a transfer.” Dr. Yates said, not missing a beat as her eyes moved fluidly between the two of us, “From my observation, I believe it would be highly beneficial for him to be back home in Virginia for the Holidays, seeing as that’s where he’d previously informed me everyone would be gathering for Christmas this year.”

“So where exactly would he be transferring to?”

She hesitated for the first time since we’d been in her presence and I eyed her closely as her confident stare even faltered and she dropped her gaze down to her desk. From her sudden change in demeanor, I almost feared what she would say next and I braced myself in the stiff leather for whatever it was.

“Joyce… you’re aware of this situation in its entirety, yes?” She asked cautiously.

“Yes, I believe so.”

“And you are aware of the events that led up to your son’s admittance into the hospital?”

I didn’t hear an immediate response from Ms. Joyce and I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, noticing that she sat there quietly nodding her head, refusing to verbally acknowledge the unfortunate circumstances.

“Joyce… it is my recommendation that we consider an alternate option for his stay in Virginia. A place a little more, suitable for his conditions…”

“Dr. Yates, please…”

“He has been diagnosed Joyce and it’s very pertinent that we discuss this now so that we can get a head start on treatment.”

Again, the office was washed over with silence as both Ms. Joyce and I sat there staring across the desk at Dr. Yates, too stunned to utter a word. She was beginning to get to the point of today’s discussion now… and I was absolutely certain that I was not prepared for her to go on.

“Diagnosed… with what?” There was an unmistakable tremble in Ms. Joyce’s voice and her tone remained hushed as though it pained her to even speak.

“Bipolar type I disorder and… dissociative identity disorder.”

Silence completely consumed us then and for a while after the truth was spewed, Dr. Yates sat back in her chair as if the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. I didn’t know how to react, but my mind and body responded before I could fully register what she’d said and before I knew it, the tears began to roll freely. But I couldn’t bring myself to move, or speak, or even blink… I couldn’t believe what she’d just said.

Chris, my Charlie, my love… I couldn’t bear this reality. I couldn’t bear to accept the fact that he’d been battling these demons and illnesses for only Lord knows how long, alone. My heart ached for him and it was now and in this very moment that I was able to silently forgive him for what he’d done. With Dr. yate’s simple proclamation, so many questions were answered in an instant for me and now it all made sense….

“Sy’Diyah,” I snapped my gaze up at the sound of my name and locked my saddened stare onto Dr. Yates, “I would like to share something with you, if you don’t mind.”

I remained quiet as she shifted back in her seat and pulled a drawer open at the top corner of her desk. My eyes fleeted toward the black device she plucked from the inside of the drawer and I watched as she eased it onto the top of her desk and crossed her hands onto the surface behind it.

“Back in October, I asked Christopher for his permission to complete a project that unbeknownst to him, was solely meant for you. Throughout the duration of my time spent with him, I have always been aware of the severity of his condition and I knew that there was a possibility of him deteriorating before I had the opportunity to diagnose and begin treatment. Though I did not anticipate something of this magnitude to occur, it didn’t completely surprise me after speaking with you and learning of your recent break-up.”

Within seconds I could feel a searing stare against the side of my face and my heart sank as the thought of Ms. Joyce glaring at me crossed my mind. No one other than Dr. Yates knew of the truth behind why Chris had done what he’d done and I was totally caught off guard the moment she decided to calmly reveal it to his mother.

“So you’re saying that my son attempted to take his own life because Sy’Diyah broke up with him?” I could hear the cold tone in her voice and I was deathly afraid to turn to see the expression that I’m sure would match. The disappointment that laced her words… I felt like she truly hated me in that moment and I dropped my head and fought to hold back more tears.

“Joyce, please listen to me. I need you both to listen very carefully. What I’m about to play for you on this recording device is the insight that I need you both to witness to better grasp the situation at hand. I can truly say that in all my years in this profession, I have never quite observed anything like… this…”

Pushing the little black device forward, her eyes scanned from me to Ms. Joyce and finally down to the small play button. She pressed her finger against the edge of it and I braced myself for whatever it was we were about to hear.

“Today is October 27, 2015 and my name is Dr. Debra Yates. I am in the presence of my client Christopher Brown and with his permission, I would like to open a discussion in reference to his significant other… Sy’Diyah Donsen. Christopher… let’s begin this discussion by talking about the very first time you met Sy’Diyah.”

There was a brief pause and my heart fluttered as I prepared to hear his voice for the first time since, that night…

“Um… I met her about ten years ago when she moved in next door to me.” “And where was it that she moved in next door to you? Here in Georgia?”

“No. We lived in Richmond, Virginia at the time.”

“So if you met her ten years ago, that means you were how old exactly?”

“I was nine and she was eight.”

“You were very young when you had your first encounter… interesting. Can you describe for me what it was like the first time you met her? If you can recall your memories from that age… as much detail as you can give.”

I found myself sitting tensely in the stiff leather, with a natural smile that brightened with each word he spoke through that recorder. He recounted verbatim the very first day he laid eyes on me to our first interaction together. As if it were only yesterday, I became lost in a daze by the sound of his voice as he laughed with ease and told the story of the first thing he ever asked me on his mother’s front porch. My eyes were welling with tears all over again and I instantly shut them and imagined him that happy again. It was a painful reality to face that he may not ever know happiness again… and it was all because of me.

“Alright. If we could just rewind for a second… Hope? That’s something I’ve consistently heard you refer to Sy’Diyah as. Why do you refer to her as such?”

“That’s her middle name.”

“Is that a name that she typically goes by?”

“Nah… only I call her that. I’ve been calling her that since we were kids too. I personally won’t let anyone else call her that… it’s a reminder to her and I that we both have a special place in each other’s lives. Me being the only one who calls her that kinda… it kinda makes me feel like she genuinely really cares about me and that I actually mean a lot to her because she’s okay with me being the only one who calls her that. Like, she lets me enforce that to other people and she’s cool with it.”

“You are absolutely correct. A name is a very important and perhaps sensitive thing to most individuals. It is your identity… it sums up who you are without people knowing any other information about you. So, because she only allows you to acknowledge her by that name, that means you do indeed hold a very special place in her heart.”

Even his explanation of why my middle name meant so much to him left me squeezing my eyes tighter with hopes that the tears would subside. He continued on to talk about his fear of rejection, or as he put it… his fear of me rejecting him. And even at such a young age, he discussed how he was sure that he was in love with me and that his life without me was incomplete. I should have felt embarrassed by some of what was revealed on that tape. I should have perhaps bolted from that office with my head hung in shame as he professed his love for me in a way I’d never witnessed before and continued on to thoroughly explain in detail my first time with him. With his mother stationed right at my side, I knew I should have felt remorse or regret for what her son exposed to us in that office… but I didn’t, because I simply couldn’t. I fell in love with his sincerity, his honesty, the raw vulnerability that he displayed without care to Dr. Yates in that session. I fell in love with my Charlie all over again as he spoke, but I was left stunned and speechless when Dr. Yates asked him a final question…

“My last question for you before we wrap up this activity… in your own words, and this means you can be as explicit as you would like, what would you say to Hope if you knew you were never going to see her again? If you could, I’d like you to speak as though she is present here in the room…”

“Hope… if I was never going to see you again… I would want you to know that my entire life was made the day that you allowed me to claim you as my own. If I was never going to see you again because I was terminally ill or dying or something, I’d like you to know that I would die the happiest man in the universe because I got the chance to make you mine and to shower you with my love. I know… that I’ve um… I’ve taken you through hell and back in the short time we’ve been together. You’ve put up with so much of my bullshit and I honestly have always wondered why? Why do you stick around for me? Why do you choose to stay right here by my side through all the nonsense? Is it because you actually genuinely love me and care about my crazy ass as much as I love and care about you? I would hope you do… God, I love you a lot Hope…”

Opening my eyes and allowing the reserved tears to fall, I locked my eyes onto Dr. Yates and silently watched as she smiled warmly and gave a short nod that seemed to calm my nerves just enough to tune in to the remainder of the recording…

“I love you… so damn much it physically hurts. It hurts me to love you because I live in constant fear that you’ll leave me and I know that I won’t survive in life without you. I also know that I’ll never know a love like the love that I’ve found with you. And I want to be honest with you Sy’Diyah… I have fucked up, so much in this relationship that I know I don’t even deserve you. I’m not shit compared to what you deserve, but I’m too damn selfish to admit that to your face and let you know that you don’t need a guy like me. You asked me if I’ve gone from getting oral sex to actually having sex with random girls… yes, I have. Yes I’ve had sex with more girls than I can count on two hands since I’ve been here at this school. No I have not been honest in telling you this. Yes I’m sorry… I know that’s all you ever hear me say anymore, but I’m sorry… I’m so fucking sorry because as much sense as it doesn’t fucking make, I cannot help it. I don’t know what it is, but I have no control. I would never in a million fucking years intentionally hurt you and yes it sounds cliché and I know you’ve heard it all before and I know you won’t believe me, but I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you right now that I am trying and I’m fighting but I’m fucking losing. I know that I’m losing, you told me I’m losing… I know that! I’m losing you and there isn’t a got damn thing I can do about it and I’m fucking… petrified because of that. I don’t know what’s happening to me but whatever it is, it’s winning and I’m losing and I… I… I can’t stop it. I can feel it eating away at me every day. It’s a battle for me every damn day because I’m fighting with everything in me to make this shit go away before it completely consumes me, but please know this… I love you. Me, Chris… your Charlie… I love you Sy’Diyah Hope Donsen and if this thing completely consumes me, if the Charlie that you know and love is no more… please… just let me go and never forget that I love you…”

I stared at that little black device as best as I could through the flood of tears that I sat there drowning in. I could feel my chest heaving up and down and my eyes burned from my lack of blinking and the constant tears. My hand soon raised to cover my mouth as I cried like I’d just witnessed death and I flinched involuntarily at the sensation of Ms. Joyce’s hand lightly grasping my left one. I could feel her shifting at my side, but my stare remained locked on that recorder even after Dr. Yates had stopped it. I hadn’t even realized it but Ms. Joyce was now standing at my side and she leaned down to wrap me into a warm and confiding hug. I thought that she’d be upset with me after finding out that because of me, she’d nearly lost her only son. The thought of her anger went right out the window as she continued to grip onto my left hand and clutch me against her chest in the most comforting manner.

“Baby don’t cry, don’t you cry. It’s gonna be okay… I promise you it’s gonna be alright.” She whispered, though the tears were just as evident in her voice.

Slowly shaking my head from left to right, my hard glare never wavered from that recorder and I slid my hand down from my mouth to my chest because in that moment I swore it became much too difficult to breathe.

“No mama, no… no…”I chanted softly as I continued to shake my head.

“It will be okay Sy’Diyah. Listen to me…”

She attempted to persuade me to look up into her eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I took full responsibility for the near death of her son and I could not and would not sit there and look her in the eye while she comforted me. I truly felt as though I deserved every tear that stung my cheeks and each desperate gasp of breath I struggled to take.

“Listen to me baby…”

“No!” I shouted, telling myself to push her away from me so that I could stand up and run away, but failing miserably the moment my bottom rose from the chair and I fell into a measly heap in her arms.

“No mama, I’m so… sorry. I’m sorry…” I cried pathetically.

“Shhhh honey, it’s alright. Shhhh, don’t you apologize to me. You be brave my girl… be brave and strong for him. He needs you now… but this is not your fault. Don’t you dare blame yourself.”

My face remained buried against her chest and as she stood there cradling me like a child, slowly rocking me from side to side, I eventually felt another hand smoothly caressing my back. My tears didn’t quite subside… they didn’t even come close. But I kept my eyes shut and finally allowed myself to fall victim to Ms. Joyce’s motherly nature. She continued to rock me, Dr. Yates continued to rub her hand in soothing circles against my back, and I continued to cry and silently pray for God to give me strength.

#chrisbrown #chrisbrownff #chrisbrownfanfic #jasminesanders #chrisbrownfanfiction #jasminesandersff #teambreezy #teambreezyff #fanfiction #fanfic

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misakishishido · 6 years

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Project #3 - Android/Clone (Teaser)

Hello hello :D

I hope everyone has seen my Project #1 post prior to this but if not, please do so here, as I won’t go through most, if not all, of what I’ve said over there haha. Sorry for being lazy.

Anyways. This is the third ‘project’ from my long lost document of drafts I had prepared in the past for WMatsui that I have decided to revive especially when I think it’s well... sort of a waste to never publish it. I spent quite a lot of time on this back then and what you will be seeing is pretty much a part of the actual first chapter of the story.

Moreover, I decided to revive this project in conjunction with the release of the Playstation 4 game Detroit:Become Human. Seems like a good time to put this out there especially if you readers out there have actually played the game and loved the whole android plot though I highly doubt mine will be that much related to existential crisis nor the state of the world in the near future and whether having androids is a good or bad idea.

Then again mine’s more on cloning so... I dunno why I just HAD to mention the game. Oh well~

This is basically, tl;dr, a love story for mainly JuriSaku *laughs*, so no deep stuff. I hope. Maybe sprinkles of it, who knows? :v Also note how I say mainly ‘cuz there may be other ships in this thing with Sayanee relevant in it hehehe.

Okay, I think I’ve said my piece. Again, it’d be great if you all can let me know which project you’d like to read as a priority so I can be a lot more focused on one than splitting my attention to all three and screwing things up in the process ><

Hope you enjoy this little teaser!

“I’m back.”

“Welcome back, Jurina dear.”

Matsui Jurina, an adolescent who had just started her first year of high school who sported striking red frame glasses that protected her cool black, but slightly lifeless, orbs, shrugged off her backpack which made a soft thump onto the floor as she swiftly took off her shoes and handed her mother a folder.

“Got my results. Straight As as promised.”

Her mother flipped open the folder and read through Jurina’s results, smiling at what her daughter had produced and gave her a loving pat on the head.

“Well done, Jurina dear. I’m sure your father would be proud of—“

“Don’t bother telling him. As if he cares about me anyways,” Jurina quickly grabbed her bag that was still lying near the entrance and walked past her mother when suddenly her mother grabbed her by the hand, stopping her daughter in her tracks.

“Jurina… about your father. He has something urgent to tell you at the lab. Please go see him.”

Jurina, as bright as she is, noticed her mother’s eyes turning slightly reddish as if she was holding back her tears. She knew straight away it was not going to be good news. She sighed and just gave a quick nod to her mother before heading towards her father’s lab which was in the basement of her bungalow.

She used to be close with her father until one day he got too immersed with his research that he began neglecting both his wife and daughter and had always stayed cooped up within his laboratory with a few of his assistants that would come every day but leave every evening. It all started when his thesis for cloning was recognised by the government and not only he got a status in society because of that, but he also got more and more projects relating to cloning research by the government which made his life rather hectic, hence causing a rift between his wife and daughter.

Jurina’s mother was more understanding but Jurina, being the only child of the family, wanted to feel even more loved deep down, and acknowledged by her father. After all, when she was asked to write about what she wanted to be when she grows up when she was still a kid, she had made being a scientist her first choice due to how cool she thought her father was and then a teacher as her second choice since she liked teaching people things that they were having difficulty with. She used good academic records as an attempt to impress her father but to no avail. He used to praise her back in what, kindergarten? And it all ended after that.

At the lab, she could see all of her father’s assistants busy with their work. Some were running around from machine to machine, some were busy at their own ‘station’ tapping away on the keyboards before them and some were busy asking one another questions, obviously relating to the experiment at hand.

It was just another normal day for Matsui Jurina’s father, Matsui Junichiro, a man who has the status of a world renowned scientist. Jurina, despite her strained feelings towards her father, would always be in awe whenever she stepped into his lab. It wasn’t every house that had a huge laboratory with huge machines or capsules that could fit people in their basement. Sure, she was thankful she was living in such a special home provided by the government but… she still wanted that one single element that her father had not given her expressly in a long time.

Jurina felt a pair of eyes which noticed her presence in the busy room and quickly nudged the head of the experiment that was in front of him. Jurina’s father turned around abruptly and gave Jurina a stern look, a look that would always make Jurina clench her fists involuntarily. Don’t give me that look… stupid dad…

“Jurina. You’re here.”

“What do you want?” Jurina shot back, returning the look that her father is giving her but the latter did not pay his daughter’s current attitude to mind and just closed his eyes calmly.

“You will be leaving this house for the course of six years and will be studying in UK.”

The adolescent could not believe what she just heard, “W-What did you just—“

“Your aunt has already been notified and you will be staying with her,” Jurina’s father turned his back on his daughter after finishing his piece.

“O-Oi! You just blurt all that without telling me a good reason why?!” Jurina exclaimed.

“This project… was personally asked by a government councilman, as well as my best friend,” he looked over his shoulder with cold eyes, “It required your DNA. And the clone to be produced would be you, six years earlier.”

“Y-You’re cloning… me…?”

“And as such, there could not be two Matsui Jurina living under the same roof. Especially when this project is for a ‘patient’ suffering from anthropophobia.”

Fear of people… “Why me and not someone else?!” Jurina pressed on.

“Because when you were ten, you were quite the Good Samaritan. Many have learned good qualities from you and adored you as a perfect example. An angel. My only daughter too, of course,” he turned back to face his daughter once more, “… Henceforth, you are perfect for this experiment.”

“That wasn’t even a good explanation darn it!” Jurina felt like wanting to storm out of the lab immediately after giving her father a few punches but held it in, inevitably bursting into tears in the process.

The man did not budge but instead, handed Jurina an iPad that an assistant quickly handed to him after he had subtly nodded. Jurina bit her lips, looking into the screen and a video footage of a young girl was shown. She assumed she was about six and felt chills down her spine when the footage showed how violently she acted in front of a group of people who tried to approach her, which included footage outside of her home and inside, where it seemed like a family gathering. Another footage showed how she was in her room. She would be at a certain corner of her room with the lights off, hugging her legs without doing anything, just, sitting there. Her parents enter her room periodically and individually. Fortunately, she does not retaliate violently and acts rather lifelessly when her mother feeds her or cleans her up.

Jurina pitied the poor girl. Just what happened to her that made her this way?

“The patient’s name is Miyawaki Sakura. She had been diagnosed with that phobia after being kidnapped once. I heard they were child rapists. But her father, being a councilman, managed to cover up the story and prevented any leakage of the story being published on the media. The men have been jailed but the horrifying experience she had to go through remains,” Jurina’s father began explaining after the video repeated itself.

“It would explain as much then…” Jurina’s sympathies for the girl managed to overwhelm her anger and frustration towards her father.

If cloning me would help her and give her a brighter future… I would definitely sacrifice myself... even if it’s for someone I don’t know… but that’s what I would have thought as the ‘me’ from years ago... now I......

“You do understand the situation now then?”

Jurina looked upwards into her father’s eyes before looking away, having mixed feelings circling around within her, “… When am I leaving?”

“Tomorrow morning,” he handed the iPad to an assistant who just passed by him, “Your contribution would help society and change the life of this girl if everything is successful. You do realize that, don’t you?”

Jurina ignored his question and turned around, facing the exit, “… I hope your experiment succeeds. Goodbye… Father,” and she left, taking big steps towards the door.

“… Sir, weren’t you a bit too direct with your daughter just now…?” A female assistant squeaked when she approached him. She had heard everything, working rather close to where the father and daughter were conversing a moment ago.

“A scientist must let go of his emotions and attachments if he wants to succeed. Do not pester me with insignificant familial issues. Get back to work!” He glared at the woman and she quickly bowed apologetically and returned to her ‘station’. Jurina’s father massaged his temple and felt a burning sensation starting in his eyes.

There is no time for tears. This project must succeed.

#ske48 #hkt48 #matsui jurina #miyawaki sakura #jurisaku #fanfic

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soocouldbemyonlystar · 7 years

Text

Chaebols: The Arrangment

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Length: 4.2k

Pairing: Kyungsoo x OC

Summary: They agreed to a marriage that would benefit both families, but that’s if they even make it past the wedding.

Pt2

It was a business deal. His wealthy company and her prominent family, joined together to create an advantageous partnership. It wasn’t the first time it had been done and it wouldn’t be the last. Emotions played no part, especially not between Do Kyungsoo and Lee Jae-eun. It was a miracle they were able to fake their way through the ceremony. He even managed a subvert the kiss, placing one on her cheek after they were pronounced man and wife. She succeeded in hiding the wave of annoyance as his lips touched her.

Now they sat an uncomfortable few inches from each other at the reception as the orchestra played a classical something she didn’t recognize. It may as well have been miles. Jae Eun sat quietly remembering the look in his hooded eyes as the Reverend pronounced them. It was one that most would mistake for passion or desire. The kind of look that would make a woman feel flush, like no amount of ice could cool the fire behind those dark chocolate depths. Jae Eun had learned quickly it was contempt, she knew that look well now. When he had taken that step toward her and leaned in, she held her breath thinking he would really kiss her. Instead he turned to the side and pressed his lips to her cheek, declaring he didn’t want to “share their first kiss as husband and wife with everyone.”

But there would be no kiss as man and wife if Kyungsoo had anything to say about it. He had made sure she knew that when they agreed to the marriage. Not only was he against public displays, but for the sake of honesty he had already told her nothing would happen between them because he was in love with someone else. It was one-sided with a friend from college but he had already given his heart. Kyungsoo was part of a large conglomerate family, and the woman was of little standing. In their circle, name and status were everything. Jae-eun was the oldest daughter of a wealthy businessman and a marriage between the two worked out for both families. So much so that it was not difficult for either to accept the match.

Their mothers planned the biggest wedding they could manage in six months. They worked franticly, afraid Kyungsoo would change his mind. He wouldn’t, she knew. In the beginning, she wasn’t sure what he objected to the most, the marriage or marrying her. Now she knew it was her. They were too similar, she wasn’t too proud to admit that. Both were fond of their solitude and didn’t care for the disruption of this marriage, and neither were afraid to be honest about their displeasure. Jae-eun counted her blessings. At least she didn’t have to be embarrassed to be seen in public with him since he wasn’t too old or just plain strange.

Kyungsoo is undeniably handsome, she thought as she watched him lean to the side to hear whatever his best man Kim Jongin was saying. His dark hair was always cut and styled, his skin was a beach beige, even though he rarely had time to spend in the sun. He had beautiful eyes that were large, intense and had a way of drawing you in and holding you there. Jae-eun had always thought the description ‘deep wells’ wasn’t big enough to explain his eyes. They were endless chasms, if you fell in, you would fall forever. His pillowy, heart-shaped lips looked to be as soft as fluffy clouds, and after having them pressed against her cheek earlier, she could confirm that assumption.

They were to take the six months to date and get to know each other. It hadn’t worked out that way. Kyungsoo was immersed in helping his father run their company. Do Kyung Chul was getting ready to retire and Kyungsoo was being groomed to fill his spot. There were many dates rescheduled or cancelled all together. Jae-eun didn’t complain about that. It wasn’t different from growing up with her father and the rest of her life looked to follow the same pattern. She was used to it now. She just used that free time to learn everything she could about him and his business. She utilized her father’s resources to become familiar with everything his company dealt with. When they did manage to keep their dates, they typically sat in silence. In public, they were polite and friendly, they were both raised to be so, but in private they were prone to bicker. Even after six months, Jae-Eun barely knew him.

Two months before the wedding, his mother had come to them.

“I know this is for the benefit of the families and the companies, but I don’t want either of you to live being unhappy. I want my son to be happy. Let’s just end this here.” His mother told them.

“Eomma,” she explained, “We know what we are doing. There are options, but we both choose this. I’ll do everything I can to make him happy.”

It was a lie and they knew it. Their marriage was the best option and they were both responsible and filial enough to shoulder that burden. Even given the option to leave, they both elected to stay. But Jae Eun didn’t want to be unhappy either, she would do what she could to make it work.

Jae Eun was brought back to the present as Kyungsoo’s best men piled on stage to toast the groom. As heirs who attended the same private schools since primary, they remained friends despite the constraints of their lives. Though she had attended the same schools as Kyungsoo and the others, she ran in a different group and had very little interaction with any of them. She had been in the band with Chanyeol but they rarely spoke, but Kim Jongdae had several of the same classes and they had been friendly until she was sent to the states to finish high school and attend college.

“Kyungsoo-yah, you’re a married man!” Byun Baekhyun yelled into the mic first.

The guests erupted in laughter. Jae-eun watched Kyungsoo’s heart-shaped lips arch even higher in the first real smile he’d had since the wedding started. Kim Jongin, Kyungsoo’s closest friend, slapped Baekhyun in the back of the head and pulled the mic out of his hands.

“He knows, Hyung, it’s his wedding,” Jongin said, causing another round of laughter.

Jongin continued, “Kyungsoo is like a brother to all of us. We were all friends in one way or another, but you brought us together in your own way, and now you’re giving us a sister. I don’t think I could have picked a better wife for you. Lee Jae Eun, I’m so glad you’re joining our family. Kyungsoo will be a good husband to you, so please take care of him for us.”

Another wave of applause ran over the guests and Kyungsoo turned to Jae-eun smiling. Though a wave of guilt weighed heavy in the pit of her stomach, she painted a happy expression on her face as he slid his hand into hers on the table. It was for show, she knew.

He bowed quickly and handed the mic to his left. Chanyeol took it next, a mischievous smile spread across his face.

“Kyungsoo-yah, tell me this is a dream?” Chanyeol started, “Not only are you the first to get married, but how did you manage to find such a beautiful woman? I want this to be a bad dream so I can wake up and find her for myself.”

Jae-eun laughed, knowing Kyungsoo probably wished the same thing. He released her hand to clap with the crowd and Jae-eun felt cold at the abandonment. They may not like each other, but they were in this together. The warmth of his hand was a comfort to her.

“I was nervous when Kyungsoo told me he was getting married, to this day I still can’t figure out what would possess her to put up with him. We all attended the same schools but I never knew much about her and once I really got to know Lee Jae-eun, I realized that if any woman in this world could handle Do Kyungsoo, it’s her. Jae-eun-ah, I’ve learned you are just as stubborn and pig-headed as he is. But, also just like him you are intelligent, caring, and compassionate. So, don’t ever give up on our Kyungsoo. I truly believe you will make each other happy for the rest of your lives.”

Jae-eun waved to him happily, Chanyeol was the only one of the eight friends who knew the whole truth about their arrangement, since Kyungsoo had told the others he had kept her a secret for the sake of their privacy. He was a private man, so no one questioned this, besides Chanyeol. Despite this, he seemed to genuinely like her. She had likely seen him and Jongin more in the last six months than she had Kyungsoo and she felt a rapport with him. He was quick witted and funny. In the six months she had known him, she had found him to be sweet, endearing, and loyal.

What a waste of such sweet words, she thought.

One by one the remaining few spoke about meeting Kyungsoo or about the wonderful things he had done for them until Jae-eun thought she would be sick. Her full plate of dinner had yet to be removed, and just the thought of eating as she pretended this was real, made her stomach roll.

Kyungsoo must have noticed her discomfort. He took hold of her arm just above the elbow and pulled her toward him gently. Leaning in, he brought his lips uncomfortably close to her ear in what the guests would interpret as a loving exchange between newlyweds.

“When they are done, we will do our round to thank the guests, then we can make our exit and this will all be over.” His warm breath tickled her ear.

The crowd applauded again and Jae-eun instinctively clapped as she turned and leaned into Kyungsoo’s ear to complete the little show he was putting on.

“Not soon enough,” she replied.

Kyungsoo beamed adoringly at her as she backed away, and Jae-eun had a brief thought that Kyungsoo missed his calling as an actor. He was so good he almost had her convinced.

“Jae-eun-ah,” shouted Kim Minseok, who was the oldest of the nine friends “We haven’t spent much time together yet, but if Kyungsoo loves you, I’m sure we will too. I look forward to getting to know you and being great friends”

Jae-eun’s heart burst at this gesture. The innocent and unknowing Minseok, with the smile like a child’s and eyes too pretty to belong to any man, beamed down at her from the stage. She pressed her hand to her heart and nodded to him. Jae-eun thought she would look forward to that as well. She didn’t know most of them personally, but she had done enough research on the people Kyungsoo surrounded himself with. Minseok’s family had questionable business practices, but it was clear Minseok wasn’t involved in it.

Kyungsoo stood as the group of friends descended from the stage and engulfed him in a hug. Chanyeol held his hand out to Jae-eun. She accepted his hand and he pulled her into the group and Kyungsoo’s arms. There was a moment, however brief it was, where Jae-eun wished it was real. She wished she loved Kyungsoo, who was now her husband, that he loved her and that this was an actual celebration, not solely a party to commemorate their mutual imprisonment. She desperately wanted to be a part of this family that she now belonged to but didn’t really. They all spoke so beautifully about a man who had only ever shown her disdain, not that she’d given him much more. Guilt clawed at her chest. Jae Eun wanted to see in him what his friends saw. Hope, that maybe one day they could be friendly, was a dim flame that kept her going.

Finally, Kyungsoo slipped his arm around her waist and began to lead her around to the groups of family and friends. “Just a while longer,” he said gently through his fake smile, “and we can go to our separate rooms of our hotel suite and not have to speak until our flight tomorrow.”

She stopped just short of a group and turned to face him. Slipping a finger under the knot of his tie she tugged, just a little too hard, to loosen it. The muscle of his jaw twitched at the motion and she couldn’t help but find a little joy in it. The left side of her top lip arched in pleasure.

Jae-eun batted her eyes and gave him a honey sweet smile, “Jagi, nothing would make me happier.”

He quickly turned away as a guest approached.

“Chairman Ji! I’m so glad you could make it.” He pandered to the older man.

Ji Soon Hee was the chairman of a publishing company that Kyungsoo was in the process of acquiring. Jae-eun knew inviting him to their wedding was a political move. She was familiar with it having grown up in this environment. He was quite handsome for his age and everyone knew he was well aware of it.

The Chairman had a reputation for being flirty and he tended to favor those who flattered him. Praise and adoration would win his cooperation. From what little of Kyungsoo she knew, he was not fond of this part of his job. She, on the other hand, was raised for this and could set her discomfort aside to accomplish her goals. This was what they married for.

“Chairman, how very nice to meet you.” She bowed curtly.

He nodded in return, “The wedding was just wonderful. And I think you must have a most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen Mr. Do.”

“Thank you, Chairman.” Kyungsoo replied.

“That’s so sweet of you, Chairman. I’ll let you in on a little secret.” She leaned forward as if to whisper in his year, but not quite getting close enough, “I have brains too.”

The chairman gave a hefty chuckle, “I’d like to see those as well.”

“Absolutely,” Jae-eun smiled sweetly, “My husband has spoken so highly of your company and I just had to see about it myself. The financial plan you put into effect a few years ago was ingenious. I was impressed. Your company has shown significant gains each fiscal quarter ever since.”

The man’s eyes lit up. “I created that financial plan! I have received much praise for it! You’ve done your homework, Madam Do!”

“Well, I am my father’s daughter, Chairman. Plus, I know my husband has good taste as well.” Jae-eun smirked.

“You have yourself a smart girl here Mr. Do. A real special girl.” The chairman praised as he clasped her hand in his between both of his.

Kyungsoo turned to him, his cheeks flushing, and bowed his head, “Thank you, Chairman,” he said, keeping his head low to hide his embarrassment. Jae-eun watched as Kyungsoo’s eyes focused on the hand the chairman continued to hold firmly. She gave a quiet gasp as his arm snaked around her waist and pulled her close. Her hand slipped out of the chairman’s grasp.

“She is impressive, my Jae-eun,” he said as his fingers dug into her hip. “Excuse us Chairman, we have more guests to thank.”

“Of course, we will talk again soon,” the Chairman said, giving Jae-eun another sly smile as he stepped aside.

Kyungsoo and Jae-eun bowed their heads again as they stepped past.

“How did you know about that deal? It’s been kept secret.” He asked when they had a moment between guests.

“You are not the only one groomed from birth to deal with these situations. You had to have known I would consider your company’s dealings.” She smiled and waved to a friend across the room as she explained.

“Are you trying to help me,” his deep, bourbon voice was barely audible, “or hurt me?”

“Why would I try to hurt you?”

“Isn’t that what happens in these situations? A loveless marriage, the wife gets tired of her husband, afraid he’s going to leave her broke so she plots to take his company away from him?” He sneered.

“Do you plan on leaving me broke?” She asked.

“No.”

“Then there shouldn’t be a problem. We don’t have to like each other to make this work. I’m on your side and I’ll do what’s necessary to make us both successful. If you succeed, I succeed, my fate is tied to yours now. Besides, isn’t this why you married me?”

They paused to greet another group of guests.

“Well you certainly got the chairman’s attention.” He snickered in annoyance as they moved on.

She stopped and turned to him. “Careful,” she held his eyes as her fingers came up to replace a wisp of dark hair that had strayed on to his forehead, “someone may hear and think you are actually jealous.”

His eyes narrowed and Jae-eun saw something that looked almost possessive in their darkness. His caught her hand and held it firmly. The warmth of his hand she had longed for only a short while ago, was now a searing heat from anger burning her tender flesh as he pulled her closer. Again, she recognized it as a move to sell the story, to pass his anger as desire. His face was too close, his hot breath on her face, his dark eyes, unlike the rest of him, were glacial. She tried to play along, but the indignation in his handsome features made her skin flush, the sweltering intensity throwing off her equilibrium. Her breath caught in her throat, thick as ash.

“You are my wife, Jae-eun.” He said, the baritone of his voice rumbled in her chest.

She gave a little nervous laugh, “I will do what I think is best for my family and that includes you now. But I am not yours, don’t think to voice a claim on me.”

Suddenly his eyes move past hers, fear flooding the void. Jae-eun turned to find Yoo Mi-sun, one of Kyungsoo’s department heads, who began to back away, her eyes wide, red lips formed an “o.” She had heard everything. The woman shook her head wrapping her arms around the swell of her pregnant belly and started to turn away, but tripped on her own foot and fell hard on her bottom.

“Yoo Mi-sun!” Kyungsoo gasped and rushed to her side.

Jae-eun stepped toward them but the sight of Kyungsoo on his knees attentively looking over this woman stopped her. The room fell silent and time slowed as Jae-eun glanced around the room at the worried and judging faces that focused on Kyungsoo and Mi-sun. Her gaze then stopped on Chanyeol, who watched her with a look of sorrow on his face.

It was at that moment Jae-eun knew without a doubt, this was the woman her new husband was in love with.

Her eyes moved to her mother-in-law, who clung to her husband’s suit, her worried brows furrowed. Jae-eun recognized the woman’s concern was not for Mi-sun’s condition, but because Kyungsoo’s feelings were transparent.

Time sped back up and Jae-eun blinked past the surprise leaping forward.

“Yoo Mi-sun!” she dropped to her knees across from Kyungsoo. “I’m so sorry I didn’t know you were behind me, I should have been paying more attention. Are you okay? Can you stand?”

“I think so.” Mi-sun replied.

Jongin, Chanyeol, and Jongdae moved to help her, taking Mi-sun by the arms and lifting her up. Jae-eun straightened the woman’s dress as Mi-sun’s husband rushed to her side. Kyungsoo was frozen in place, eyes wide, he’d finally realized his mistake.

But Jae-eun was still in control of the situation. She crossed to him. “Jagi,” linking her arm in his, “I must be getting tired, I’m just knocking people down now.”

When he didn’t move she placed her hand on his face and turned it gently to hers, “Jagi, I think I’m ready to go.”

He finally blinked, then nodded.

Kyungsoo leaned around, “Yoo Mi-sun-ssi, are you okay?” He spoke more formally trying to create a distance between them.

She nodded.

Kyungsoo turned back to their guests, “I apologize for the disruption. My wife is exhausted, as can be expected. I think we are ready to call it a night. Please stay and enjoy yourselves. The bar is open until 2a.m. and we have designated drivers and taxis on stand-by. We would like to thank you all for sharing this special day with us.”

The guests clapped again, raining down congrats and praises as Kyungsoo wrapped his arm around Jae-eun’s waist. She could feel the stress melt away, it was almost over. She found her mother-in-law’s eyes and nodded to her, attempting to put her at ease. Then from somewhere in the crowd came the dreaded word.

“Kiss!”

Others soon chimed in until the whole room was chanting “Kiss, kiss, kiss.” Jae-eun’s face flushed and she shook her head, her hand vigorously waving off the request.

Kyungsoo’s arm disappeared from her hip and he placed his hands on either arm turning her to face him. She watched him, wide eyed, as he cupped her face gently. Reality set in and Jae-eun took a deep breath as he leaned forward. She closed her eyes and pretended. She pretended this was what they both wanted, that they were happy. She pretended the swirling sea of sadness wasn’t threatening to drag her under. Eventually, she would get used to this life. She would submerge herself in the things that made her happy and be the partner Kyungsoo needed. But right now, Jae Eun felt the weight of their decisions crushing, suffocating, and ripping her apart. So, she pretended the feel of his hands tenderly caressing her face made her heart beat faster and the softness of his lips made her shiver at the promise of what would come later.

And when the room erupted in applause, Jae-eun knew they had been successful in taking the attention away from Mi-sun.

Kyungsoo waved off the cheers and whistles. His eyes turned down and his cheeks turned rosy. Jae-eun realized it was as difficult for him to hide his embarrassment as it was for her.

The crowd followed them out to the drive where the limo waited. They climbed in rolling down the window to wave happily at everyone, but as the limo drove off silence fell between them. At the hotel, he helped her out of the limo and with one hand in the pocket of his slacks and the other with fingers threaded in hers, he led them through the lobby and to the elevators. Once inside, Jae-eun pulled her hand free and removed her heels, though she had spent most of her life in heels, her feet had been killing her.

Kyungsoo took them from her quietly and slid his hand back into hers. She didn’t know why he insisted on holding her hand, there was no one to witness the act, but he held it firmly. So, Jae-eun held on to her pretend feelings for just a little longer. They walked like this down the hall only letting go when Kyungsoo opened the door.

Inside the grand hotel suite, he sat her heels on an end table and turned to her uncomfortably. Neither knew what to do next. This wouldn’t be a traditional wedding night. Kyungsoo had intentionally reserved the largest suit with two rooms, one on either side of the living space. It wasn’t suspicious since they were both from money and were expected to get the best. Jae-eun knew it was better to part, but the things unspoken between them still lingered, thick in the air.

After several moments of silence, Jae-eun spoke, “I get it. I really do. And you can love whomever you want. But my family put their faith in you. I put my faith in you. So, the only thing I request of you is that when we are in public, she doesn’t exist. I refuse to be made to look like a fool again. Can you manage that?”

“Yes, Jae-eun.”

“Then, goodnight Kyungsoo.”

He bowed his head as he shoved both of his hands in his pockets.

She turned from him, walking to her separate room in the silence that would be the rest of their lives and shut the door behind her. It was what he wanted, both in their separate rooms, not talking to each other. Jae-eun waited, unbearably long (why was he standing there for so long?) as her heart pounded, until she could hear Kyungsoo’s footsteps fading across the marble floor and his room door shut. She took the few steps to the bed and laid back, staring at the ceiling, through the ceiling, into oblivion. Nothingness. That was what she felt, numb.

I made the right choice. It could be worse, so much worse. Somehow the words didn’t sink in. She pulled the pillow to her chest and held it tight, curling over onto her side. Then, she took a deep breath and let it all come crashing down. In the morning, she would pick herself up, be herself, be a wife, be what was needed. But just for tonight, she cried herself to sleep.

#kyungsoo fanfic #kyungsoo fanfiction #kyungsoo scenario #kyungsoo #exo fanfiction #exo scenario #chaebols #yixingsnext

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distant-rose-archive-blog · 7 years

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I loved your fic rec posts and reviews for captain swan. I'm just wondering if you have a top writer list or something (like you automatically feel the need to read them if you see them post) and if you do, who is on it...

Hi! Thank you for the kind words. I do spend a lot of time and effort when I do get asked to rec things mainly because if I’m rec’ing someone or something, it’s because I love them and want to give them the praise and attention they deserve. With that being said, I’m always surprised how many notes my rec posts do get because I am virtually no one in this fandom. Literally a nobody. So when people ask for my opinion on things, I’m always flattered, surprised and very confused. Like now.

But anyway, I’m guessing that you’re asking who my favorite authors for Captain Swan are, and yes, I do have favorites. Please note that there are a wealth of amazing authors out there who put out brilliant fics and might deserve to be on this list, but those are the ten who come to mind. This is just the personal favorites of a fandom nobody. So without further ado, Rose’s favorite Captain Swan authors are as follows:

@welllpthisishappening | AO3 | Favorite Story: You Play Ball Like a Girl

She only has a few things posted right now, but so much coming in the works - all of it is just fantastic. She enjoys sending me on emotional rollercoasters and messing with my feels. As mentioned before, she’s one of my many true loves and writes epic sports fic that is both knowledgeable and realistic. (I will never get over her referring to Derek Jeter’s walkup in You Play Ball Like a Girl because that was the moment I realized she was my soulmate.) Regardless of whether it’s Captain Swan fanfiction, a story involving two idiots and a broken down amusement park or a huge epic fantasy romance involving time manipulation, I will fucking read her work and you should too.

@technicallysizzlingcloud | Favorite Story: Mawaige

Words cannot describe the quality of her work. The English language simply doesn’t have any word to truly convey the sheer amount of talent she has. The only way I can describe it is absolutely fantastic and that isn’t good enough. Honestly, the genre of her work varies, she doesn’t have a niche genre, but fuck me, she’s good at it all – pregnancy fic, angst, hurt and comfort, missing scenes, etc., etc. You name it and she can write a fucking masterpiece. There’s just so emotion that she conveys her fics and they also feel grounded in a way the show isn’t. A lot of her stories have become my personal headcanons. Her work is just a joy to read.

@unfolded73 | AO3 | Favorite Story: Scent

Do you know how hard it was for me to pick out a favorite story for her? Pretty fucking hard. Like it’s basically a multiway tie between Scent, What Comes Next, New Babies Smell Amazing, Sex Ed and Another New York City Serenade. It’s just wonderful to read her interpretation of Killian and Emma because even when there’s conflict and/or angst, they’re still so loving and understanding of one another. It just slays me. Also, her smut is fantastic and she does write a lot of it. (I am not complaining in the slightest.) Furthermore, I love the way she writes the relationship between Killian and Henry. There are authors who add him as a footnote to their CS fics and she incorporates him well.

@sambethe | AO3 | Favorite Story: Casual Fridays

There’s no other way to put this, so I’m just going to say it plainly but sambethe is without a doubt one of my favorite smut authors. Not that all of her work is smut, because it isn’t but she’s just so excellent at it that it needs to be said. Anyway, on top at being epic at writing sex scenes, she writes one of the best interpretations of Emma Swan I’ve ever seen. Her Emma is closed off and on-guard but not unfeeling. While this seems like such a minor thing, it’s a huge deal because I’ve read a lot of really cold and basically unfeeling Emma’s in my fanfiction days. Hers is perfect; Emma still has her walls, but they always, realistically, come crumbling down. So yeah, come to her for smut and realistically done Emma.

@peglegsjones | AO3 | Favorite Story: I belong to you, you belong to me

Hands down probably one of the best kid fic authors out there. I don’t even know why I try to make a niche in the genre, because she perfectly meets the quota. I try to stay away from fully realized child original characters because I’m a horrible cunt and I’m like “yeah, but my babies” but her children are delightful and I’m content to live with the idea that her universe lives beside mine in a Jimmy Neutron/Timmy Turner kinda way if that makes any sense at all. Might be dating myself there. Anyway, her universe is delightful and creative, and I always look forward to reading more about Ian. If you haven’t read her work and enjoy child fic, then I don’t know where you’ve been hiding and you need to rectify it immediately. (Also I’m pretty sure if Ian and Wes officially met, they would destroy the world and Harrison would have an aneurysm.)

@acrobat-elle | AO3 | Favorite Story: Breathless

This is another author who I struggled with finding a favorite story for because she has a lot of amazing work. Make a Wish, Possession and Touch could have easily been in that favorite story spot instead of Breathless. Elle’s a triple threat. Like a lot of people on this list, she writes ridiculously good smut, but she’s also fantastic at writing angst and fluff. There isn’t a single story in her archive that wouldn’t recommend and I’m eagerly waiting to see how Harbor in the Tempest is going to end. (No pressure or anything. Take your time.) I don’t know what else to say other than she’s fantastic and you should stop just taking my word for it and just got read her fics.

@lenfaz | AO3 | Favorite Story: Separate Lives

Without a doubt one of my favorite alternate reality writers with multiple great works. Separate Lives is a masterpiece without question, but Private Dancer, The Pirate Chef, Old Habits Die Hard and The Rembrandt Files definitely deserve honorable mentions because I also adore those stories. The worlds she creates for her stories are clever, creative and honestly, just to a joy to immerse yourself in. She knows how to carry a story, which as more than I can say for some published authors who will start a story than it putters out and dies. Her stories are incredible consistent and my brain thanks her for it. Anyway, I am forever in love with her work and I’m currently following Time upon Once and you should to.

@justanotherwannabeclassic | AO3 | Favorite Story: Roses in December

Another queen of fluff and angst that I love. If you haven’t read Roses in December or Bloom, then you need to get the fuck off my page and go read them. Legit. They’re some of my favorite stories and as I mentioned before (I think?) I’m super picky about child fic and stuff. She has a lot of wonderful domestic focused stories that are so sweet that your teeth will rot out. I also have a great fondness for Lobbying, which I read right after the American Election to feel better about the bullshit happening in my home country. She’s definitely someone whose writing you want to read after having a shit day.

@this-too-too-sullied-flesh | AO3 | Favorite Story: Theoretically

Another author who writes some pretty amazing and wonderfully dirty filth. (I feel like I’ve been too honest about how much smut I read and now everyone is going to think it’s all I read. It isn’t, I promise.) Once again, that’s not all she writes and she does some amazing fluff pieces but she has blown my mind and caused many an evil grin to spread across my face in public spaces and make the fiancé nervous. While Theoretically is definitely at the top of my list, I feel compelled to also point out The Next Wounded Soul, A Good Man is Hard to Find, Miles to Go Before I Sleep and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOSER (I debated whether or not to put that in caplocks but the original title is in caps so why not.)

@killians-dimples | AO3 | Favorite Story: Put Me in Coach, I’m Ready to Play

Okay, if Laura made me fall in love with baseball!Killian, this chick with “put me in coach, I’m ready to play” made me want more of it. It’s literally one of my favorite stories of all time and is on my other rec list. With that being said, her brilliance goes beyond this one story and she has a very versatile selection of genres for you to read. I have a particular fondness for Sin Bin, and not just because it’s Jessica Jones inspired. Anyway, she got a super rude anon the other day about her writing taking the backseat and her “used to be so prolific and now [she’s] not,” which pissed me off because 1) she’s allowed to live her goddamn life and 2) she’s still in my top ten so that anon can rightly fuck off.

#captain swan #cs fic recs #cs author recs #my fic recs #fic recs #asks #answered #anon #this took me awhile #I apologize #ahhhhh #it's over #thank you god

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dragonflymage · 7 years

Text

38 INFPs Explain How They Heal Themselves After A Heartbreak

Each type handles heartbreak a little differently. As feeling-dominant types, INFPs often feel heartbreak incredibly intensely – but that doesn’t mean they can’t move past it healthily and successfully. Below, 38 INFPs share what they do to heal their hearts when they’ve been broken.

1. “Don’t deny or avoid your emotions – deal with them. Avoiding the pain prolongs the agony. The process is like an onion – peeling it back (cry, mourn, pain, anger, acceptance) one layer at a time. Be gracious with yourself. Experiencing heartbreak is like experiencing a death -their presence no longer exists in your life but they are still alive. Appreciate the memories you made but take the lessons learned. Don’t let your heart break over an upgrade. You may not realize why it ended today but with understanding and perspective with time bring healing.”

2. “Open up your senses and get in touch with the physical world. Go for more nature walks, go for runs, and find something new and exciting, where you can channel your introverted feeling. Read meditation books. This is also a time to pursue your passions and to focus on yourself (and career).”

3. “Heartbreak was a very real thing for me. I felt it so incredibly deeply that nothing else seemed real for awhile. I held on tight to the possibility of him and I working out eventually. All that did was cause more pain and made me look like a fool being strung along by a guy who didn’t really know how to end things. What I had to do was separate myself completely. I had to quit him cold turkey. He was one of my best friends, so that was hard. We dated for nearly five years; he felt like a part of me. I had to stop myself from texting him when I missed talking. And I couldn’t respond to his messages or snapchat. I couldn’t run to him for support any more, and I couldn’t be at his beckon call. He broke my heart, so he doesn’t deserve my attention. I had a hard time letting go because I felt like if he didn’t love me, no one could. He knew so much about me that no one else knew, therefore, the true me must be unlovable. I would tell other INFPs that they need a support system. Don’t turn in on yourself when you’re hurting because this will ultimately lead to foolish mistakes. Talk to trusted friends and stay away from the one who hurt you. You will find someone worthy of your deep love and they will make your heart soar even higher than before.”

4. “Honestly, I cannot let go until I have been destroyed completely.”

5. “Read books that address grief…listen to music, be around people who are nurturing rather than draining.”

6. “Leave. Just ran away keep running away. Till one day. Its fine again. We never forget the special one. But we eventually allow ourself to remember to love ourself more.”

7. “I’ve never been in a relationship, but I’ve gone through a heartbreak that felt as deep as if I was in one. Such is dominant Fi. I spent a lot of time rationalizing how he made me feel and giving chances, alternating between love, hate, anger, pain, tears before I was finally able to move on. Completely cutting contact is the only thing that worked in the end. Both physically and mentally. I actually became addicted to him, which is not something I recommend to anyone. Through this ordeal though, I realized I do have worth, and have been working on building self-confidence. It’s still going to take a lot of time to heal my trust in people, but learning from your mistakes is something that is highly underestimated. There are usually underlying reasons why we’re attracted to toxic people or those with the same personality patterns. Find that pattern, and learn the whys of your inner psyche instead of moving on to repeat the same mistake.”

8. “After a heartbreak, I crawl back into myself – take some time to reflect. I tend to do a lot of journaling and watching movies that make me feel less alone. I think as an INFP – it is a good plan to take a little break from the world and heal yourself.”

9. “I give myself permission to feel my feelings. I make it a point not to be so hard on myself and take more blame for the demise of the relationship. I listen to music and delve into the things that feed me creatively.”

10. “Definitely avoid listening to music/the radio. Pretty much every song will suddenly magically relate to the lost relationship and stir up All Of The Feels.”

11. “First I internalize everything and silently suffer for a really long time. I think about nothing else, and it comes out in everything I do. After I’ve finally exhausted poetry, songs, dreams and daydreams and I’ve re-lived it and thought it through upside down and backwards, I’m able to realize not to take it too personally. I am still whole, and a human being with beautiful dreams and desires. Heartbreak doesn’t make me less of a person, even though I might feel like it. I just try to accomplish little things, like clean my room and pay extra attention to the way I look–little things that will make me just a teeny bit happier. I guess my advice to other INFPs would be to just allow yourself to feel. Don’t internalize it or pretend it isn’t there. Write poetry, and listen to sad songs. Journal, think, create, and process while you do it. Letting it all out and acknowledging your pain will make it easier to think about, and place in your past once you’ve fully dealt with it.”

12. “Wallow, obsess, cry, write, lie in bed depressed, eat junky foods.. I’m not saying these things are all healing, but it’s what I do when heartbroken.”

13. “I journal through the heartbreak. I cry until I no longer can. I isolate myself more that usual to process everything, but I make sure to spend quality time with supportive friends and family when I’m not a complete emotional mess. I write love letters to people in my life that have positively impacted me (and send them). I write gratitude lists of all the things I’m thankful for. I try to immerse myself in nature where it’s quite and peaceful (I definitely recommend hiking). I also make time for the things I enjoy, like going to concerts and getting a massage. If a fellow INFP is facing heartbreak, I would definitely advise them to journal and write about the experience and their feelings. I’ve created good poetry out of heartbreak. Another thing that I did that helped heal myself was volunteering in my community and serving others.”

14. “Talk to a trusted friend. Pray. Journal. And when strong enough, reach out to others who need encouragement and help – don’t allow yourself to wallow too long.”

15. “I talk, talk, talk with friends about the heartbreak. I listen to music that understands. I go places where big crowds of people are having a great time, to remind myself that none of those people even know the person who broke my heart, but they’re having a great time anyway. This is a good way to remind myself that the world doesn’t revolve around that person. I swim laps. It’s not just refreshing and good exercise, it’s also that the rushing water in your ears blocks out all the noise and quiets things down inside you. I write about it, but I try to keep the writings private and resist the temptation to post them online where the person can see it. I go on vacation but don’t post any pictures or blog about it where the person can see it. I revel in doing things I love that that person hates. Chances are, I’m just coming out of a phase where I tried to convince myself I hated those things too, just to appeal to that person. Advice? I don’t know. Just try to remember that it won’t always hurt this much.”

16. “I listen to music or watch/read something. It helps to know that others are going through the same issues as me, or have gone through them in the past. It helps to hear lyrics that fit my situation or see characters who are struggling with the same things I am struggling with. Also Disney Movies and Chocolate Ice Cream is always a good idea!”

17. “Write a list of all the things that bothered me about the person I’m heartbroken about. Keep referring to it when I feel said. Write everything, for example, his toes were too hairy. Connect with my friends and family and tell them how I’m feeling and ask them for their momentary support. Apologize for being needy. Keep to my normal routine. Read anything that I think will help me recover more quickly. Get back on the horse even though I don’t want to. Remind myself that life is just experience and it’s only my perception that makes it a good or bad experience. Try to convince myself that this was a good experience.”

18. “I usually spend a lot of time writing about it. Letters to the person that I don’t send , just keep in a notebook. I also spend a lot of time alone, to process it. I try to move slowly and gently as well. I don’t know why it helps but it does. I cry a lot, on purpose, to get it out. And then after a certain amount of time, talk to the people close to me about it. After different perspectives and support, it’s easier to handle. I would suggest to INFP types to let yourself feel the pain and to let others support you.”

19. “When you’re going through heartbreak as an INFP, make sure you take care of yourself physically. And even though you might want to curl up in a ball and hide in the closet, call a friend. Reach out and ask for help.”

20. “I grieve hard, and feel like I will never love again, like nothing else in the world matters but the intensity of my sadness. I need to not isolate, to be with loved ones, to keep open to love, to listen to heart breaking music and sob till nothing is left. I need to lie under the stars, to pull the pieces of myself back in, to get creative, to eat well and keep hydrated, to maintain my yoga practice.. Or at least, this is all good advice for me!”

21. “Try to find balance between rest, fun, and work. During heartbreak, I often go into hibernation and stay in bed all the time. At the same time, if I make myself too busy with fun and work, that will ultimately make my situation a lot worse, and I will most likely break down even worse than before. I would say make sure to hang out with friends and go out, to remind yourself there are still good things in life, and to remind yourself that you can have a good life. At the same time, be gentle with yourself, and take time to watch TV and drink tea. That’s important too.”

22. “Watch films about breakups (I.e. Forgetting Sarah Marshall), films or TV that will make me laugh. You’ve just got to ride the wave of sadness, and try to surround yourself with the things you love and enjoy.”

23. “First thing, I give myself time. I feel too deeply, too violently and a heartbreak can be destructive for me. So I rest, take time to heal.I spend a lot of time alone in the beginning. I sleep a lot, take the time to cry. I do things that appease me. Then I see people who help me: friends who make me feel secure, family I feel comfortable with. I write a lot to get the feelings out. The advice I’d give is take your time, don’t be embarrassed if it takes a lot, accept all the feelings, let them surround you, and deal with them in the way you’re used to it. INFPs know. They know how it feels to be crushed by emotions. So they cope all in their own way. But mostly in alone time and thinking and seeking comfort from their trusted and loved ones.”

24. “I honestly just have to give myself a few days to ride out the emotions, absorbing them and feeling overwhelmed. Listening to music helps, and exercising. Then, after I’ve felt like I’ve allowed myself enough time just to feel and start to accept it, I get busy. I try something new, get into a different atmosphere than the one I was in, and immerse myself in life other than what I feel. Even so, it can take months, even years, to feel like I’ve finally accepted it and can move on, depending on the situation. My advice to other INFPs is to just take one day at a time, and remember that each day is a new start – you can choose to be whoever you want. The situation hurt you, but didn’t break you because you’re still here. You and your worth are not defined by it either, so don’t let a bump in the road be a pit you get stuck in.”

25. “I can tend to fixate on my hurt feelings and the loss of a really great idea that I had been so focused on. (This is usually accompanied by lots of sleeping, chocolate, and sappy movies/music.) To move on I tend to focus on remembering who I am as an individual and what I care about, and I try to find things to look forward to or get excited about to occupy my thoughts and time.”

26. “Phase 1: Whenever possible, I cloister myself away. I write in my journal to get some perspective, call my friends for marathon conversations, eat comfort foods, binge-watch TV series, cry it out, sleep, rinse, and repeat. The goal of this phase is to: (A) get comfortable with being a single, companion-less entity again, (B) work through my emotions and memories to understand the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of the end of the relationship, and (C) identify a way to move forward, keeping in mind the lessons learned. Phase 2: I make plans to go out and be with friends, keep myself busy, work on personal projects I’d been putting off, maybe do something different with my hair, start learning something new (in my case, I’d pick a language). This helps to prevent falling into a perpetual depression if Phase 1 drags out. If I stick with Phase 2 long enough, I’ll get over it. Once my Fi has been given the attention it needs, engaging my Ne is the best way to bounce back, be happy, and feeling like myself again.”

27. “Don’t take it too personally; don’t let that inner voice destroy you. It helps me to withdraw a little, take time to relax and contemplate. Also exercise has done wonders for me.”

28. “Give yourself time to grieve, and heal. Grief has no time limit, so take as much time as you need. We INFP’s take things so personally, and we are famous for internalizing our sorrow. So, I urge you, take care of yourself, go out with friends and embrace your family. Forgive them, and yourself too.”

29. “I’ve been recently heartbroken, so this experience is very fresh to me yet. After a long time of staying in bed crying and wishing to go back in time to change things that I’ve done, I finally started to do things that I usually liked to do, to try and see the good things in the world again. The most important thing I learned was self control. I had to control my emotions, not think about the past, and change completely the way I treated this person. I try not to dwell on impossible dreams, and focus my attention on the little things I love and in the possibilities of the future. It’s very hard, and it took me months to be able to do that! I still talk to him because we’re still friends, but now I’m changing and letting the past behind. I know everybody say that, but we do survive. The future IS bright and full of possibilities, and we just have to let time heal our wounds. Don’t isolate yourself completely. Respect your healing and alone time, but you’re not alone. Rely on your closest friends and family members and let yourself be loved. In time, you will heal and become a new person. Even though it hurt like hell, you will see it as a lesson.”

30. “I honestly just let it hurt and cry it out. Holding it in never made much sense to me. It’s never been hard for me to let people go either. Don’t forget the good times but understand that it’s time for a new adventure.”

31. “Hide under the covers as long as possible. Talk to a close friend who won’t mind the endless dissection and analysis of what went wrong. Time time time.”

32. “Write down everything you feel and think about, ask yourself questions, logical questions and take your time answer them. I know you will find the answers by your own cause you’re smart and you always do. it’s okay to be hurt life isn’t perfect so are people, you were sincere and loyal it’s not your fault it’s not that they didn’t love you as much as you do but it’s how life is, stop wasting your time and energy. it will probably take long time until you’re able to go on and forgive or stop missing them, but remember that what happened doesn’t mean you won’t be able to trust or love anyone again, it just mean that you have now more experience and more In-depth thoughts and wisdom about who you wanna fall in love with, who you want to be in your life and who you can trust. finally, after you take your time being alone and communicating with your emotions and thoughts it’s probably the right time to be around your amazing friends have fun and enjoy the jokes and be in the moment. Smile, laugh and interact spontaneously because it’s the time to feel alive again.”

33. “I get obsessed wit the gym. I lie to myself and tell myself I’m okay. But honestly, I’m not sure I ever really get over it.”

34. “The INF combination will cause all sorts of issues – the I wants to reflect on what happened, almost to an obsessive point; the N will wonder what you could have done and will lament over what could have been; and the F is simply sad. So while it’s okay to reflect (I), it’s also a time to look forward to a new normal. This will activate the N in thinking of possibilities. The F will recover – just give it time. It’s okay to feel happy again, and it’s okay to still be sad sometimes.”

35. “I tend to take a lot more time to myself than I usually do. I cry, I sit in silence, I meditate I talk to myself and to God. When I have to do things, I put on some kind of music or a podcast to distract the language processing part of my brain from all the nasty ways it tries to convince me it’s somehow all my fault. Eventually, the ache fades enough for me to talk about it with those closest to me (usually my sister). As an introvert, I find that have to give myself a lot more time than others seem to before I can start to push myself to move on.”

36. “I faced a recent heartbreak in December. I think my Fi literally went crazy. As in, I just couldn’t face the actually reality of life – that the person I LOVED had just crushed me and my vision of our present and future together. For about a month I was in the grip of this Fi deeeeeeppppp sadness, or perhaps it was just a kind of hormonal drug like withdrawal. The one thing that helped me the most was the fact that I had a fashion blog and my artwork that I literally had to keep going. I suddenly had so much time on my hands that I used to put into this other person, that now I could put into my own creativity. By DOING and being in my creative flow for MYSELF and not someone else, I was able to feel confident again. Then a month after the break up I reconnected with an amazing, generous, wonderful male friend and after a week we starting dating! I haven’t looked back since and am now SO grateful that I had my creativity and put energy into myself and focused on helming myself through action and not letting my sadness overwhelm me. 8 months later we are in the happiest relationship ever and my blog, confidence and happiness and thriving! SO INFPS…don’t get stuck in your dark emotions! Don’t get paralyzed in the negative cycles of those emotions. I also think you need to honor yourself and face the sadness for a certain period of time, just don’t let it get out of control.”

37. “Write about it a lot–you need to make some kind of sense of your loss. Take yourself out on meaningful, liberating adventures. Throw your creative energy into something/someone else.”

38. “When I’m heartbroken I tend to reflect. A lot. I come from different angles of the situations to understand why the situation played out the way it did and how I could grow from it as an individual and for the next relationship to come. To heal I usually journal, exercise, talk to friends and just try to rebuild a new norm without that person being around. Writing pieces and reciting them at spoken words do a lot for me. It’s a nice release from emotions I wouldn’t be able to express out loud in regular conversation. I don’t know how credible my advice would be because we all handle things in different ways but I guess i would say let the heartbreak break you open into a whole new magical being. One who can overcome the lonely night’s of confusion and feelings of guilt or inadequacy and channel your losses into art. Express yourself in any form. It’ll fill the void that you think you have within you. Also, quality sleep and laughter are the best ancient remedies to live by.” (source)

#infp #mbti #myers briggs #relationships #personality

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