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notnctu · 3 years

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push & pull | kim doyoung

❀ slytherin!doyoung x hufflepuff!femreader ❀ genre - SLOW BURN, smut, fluff, a bit of humor (idk not rlly) ❀ details - hogwarts!au, fwb to lovers?, y/n is a player lol, jealous doyoung, mutual pining, doyoung is a lil mean ❀ word count - 9.7k ❀ warnings - explicit language, possessiveness (a concept of marking), dom!doyoung, angry sex?, slight dirty talk, penetration, fingering, praise kink ❀ synopsis - in which a prideful slytherin and an oblivious hufflepuff play a clueless emotion game of tug of war.

❝I thought Hufflepuffs are to be loyal, so why do you sleep with other men?❞

❝People say Slytherins are ambitious, so why didn’t you pursue me?❞ ❀ a/n - i changed the plot a little bit as i was writing lol but hopefully it still fits everything! i said this in the teaser, but i want to preface and say that the magic/marking is not canon to harry potter, and that the only thing im using are the sectional houses/subjects. besides that, everything is made up LMAO also pls b lenient with me, i read hogwarts!au but writing it is very out of my comfort zone and am very bad at creating anything magical

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Kim Doyoung, the Slytherin boy of your dreams, mindlessly and imperfectly steals glances your way across the dining tables and under several hundred floating lit candles. He sits huddled with his few posh friends that wear the same green and silver tie situated so tightly underneath their necks. And you, just looking as dazzling as ever, with your yellow and black tie hanging loose and a few buttons undone from your dress shirt.

He hates how easily you catch his attention and his ability to spot your figure in a dense crowd. You barely even look his way in public now, often distracted by a broad Gryffindor that tries to make flirtatious advantages at you. And when he thinks it can’t get any worse, it does… as you’re flashing your bright beautiful smile back at him and the shift in your body language.

“You’re staring again.” Yuta flickers between his friend and the subject of his focus.

Doyoung clears his throat, smooths his tie and physically turns his body away from the horrendous scene. “It’s very hard not to stare when she’s flirting with other men in front of me.”

“Does she do it on purpose?” The silver haired boy raises a questionable eyebrow and Doyoung reacts before he can speak.

He perks up and narrows his eyes at Yuta. “Purpose? Like to make me jealous?” Doyoung scoffs, laughs almost at the ridiculous thought. “The answer is no. We’re not exclusive, we’re nothing.”

“If you two are nothing, then why are you acting like you two are something? Get a grip, it’s practically sickening watching you fume over a ditzy Hufflepuff.” As Yuta prepares to bite into his delicious soft bread roll, it flies out of his grip, down the long table and onto another person’s plate.

Both boys are quick to stand to their feet and face each other chest to chest. Neither one of them is intimidated by the other, but their other friends around them are rather shocked by the sudden discrepancy.

Doyoung forcibly brushes off an imaginary dust off his good friend’s shoulders and draws a perfectly strained fake smile, knowing that others may be watching and he is a Prefect after all. But most importantly, you could be watching. “Call her that again, and your dinner won’t be the only thing that’s thrown across the table.” His threat is loud enough solely for Yuta to hear.

Yuta, with glaring eyes, picks up his dinner tray and walks off with his chin held high and a brisk in his stride. Doyoung clears his throat in the midst of the brief silence and out of habit, fixes his tie back in place. He takes a seat back down and the chatter at the table resumes, but he’s beyond embarrassed and disappointed at his loss of temper that everything drowns out.

Almost everything. He feels a light tap on his shoulder and out of annoyance, he spins around hastily and sharply snarls, “what?” But his eyes land on your fearful wide eyes and the slight cower in your stance, knowing that you caught onto his bad mood. And he’s half in disbelief that you’re approaching him right in the center of the Great Hall, that you’re standing so beautiful a foot away from him.

Instant regret and guilt fills his chest, his sharp eyes soften at your pout and the concerned furrow in between your brows. Nonetheless, he doesn’t have any words to say… he can’t get himself to apologize for his behavior.

“Do you want to walk to Herbology with me?” The quiver in your voice made you seem so small, so desperate for him, that he can hear the reactions of his friends. They’re laughing, at him, at you, at the whole scene that’s unfolding. He feels mocked, being a laughing stock isn’t something he’s very fond of.

His lips form a tight line, and in a snarky tone, “you don’t know your own way, Puff? Mind you ask your own Prefect to guide you.” Fuck. He tried to find the nicest way possible to brush you off, but his friends laugh a bit louder and intensely. And you didn’t like that one bit.

Your lips part slightly in a frown, an eyebrow raised and a hand on your hip. You look as if you’re ready to attack him, to jinx him, to probably pinch at his skin. But he knows you, and you’d do none of the above. Instead, you say the one threat that causes his heart to sink into the pit of his stomach, “don’t talk to me in class.” You’re slipping away from him as you pick up your pace, exiting all the commotion in the Great Hall.

He tries to hide the disappointment that stems from his chest, and his heart beats with an inexplicable dull pain. All he can think about is the twist of your expression and he’s gathering his things rather quickly to follow after you, without even a bid goodbye to his clique.

Without any knowledge of what you two do behind closed doors and the complex history that you two share, one may view your relationship as practically nonexistent; you two are strangers, barely passing acquaintances.

Doyoung does not approach you in the halls, in anywhere that necessarily has many witnesses. You smile at him, maybe even a wave depending on your mood, but no one questions it … as you wave at almost everyone who passes by you.

Classmates might see interaction during the one class you two share, if they pay attention close enough. However, you and Doyoung are much more to each other than passing acquaintances. Although he’s starting to see himself as another name on your list of individuals you sleep with, you are much more to him than you could ever know.

He’ll never forget the first time you two met. He was patrolling the halls for anyone lurking past curfew with his nose dug deep in his heavy book on magical creatures, when you walked right into him and caused the both of you to fall to the granite.

He was beyond ready to dock off points for whoever the rule breaker may be, but you took his breath away when you hovered above him and clasped your palm over his mouth before he can scold anyone. You looked a bit frazzled as your hair was all over the place and he noticed your minimal amount of clothing in the middle of a cold winter night.

He saw the signature Hufflepuff badge on your thin sweater and the sound of your voice completely threw him off his tracks.

“I’m so sorry.” You whisper at the stunned Prefect underneath you, whose body feels warm against your own. But your eyes remain frantically on the lookout for anyone else passing, despite the lack of light in the cobblestone hallway. You most definitely do not belong in this wing of the castle and knocking down a Prefect caused more of a problem in your escape route.

Quickly standing up, you lend your hand out for him to take. His long fingers accept your hold as he pulls himself up and dusts the dirt off his robe. His green emblem glows in the dim light and you’re internally screaming at the mess you just made for yourself. But you recognize his features: the sharpness in his eyes, the small curves of the corners of his lips, his neatly parted black hair.

“You’re in some deep---”

“---Kim Doyoung.” The boy freezes at the sound of his name and he blinks at you, curious as to where you know of him. Being a Prefect has its small perks of popularity, but he didn’t expect for it to go this far. “Y/N, we had brooms together.”

As he repeats your name and examines your pretty features, a light bulb goes off in his head. “The clumsy Hufflepuff that fell off her broom in the highest altitude?”

“If that’s how you remember me by.” You smile proudly, and he scoffs at how someone could possibly hold pride in something so silly. “It’s nice to see you around, you’re a Prefect! Wow! That’s incredible.”

“And you’re still as clumsy as you were a year ago. Falling all over the place.”

“Unfortunately, some things don’t change! But you certainly have.” Doyoung looks at you with hooded eyes and a cautious gaze, but you’re so outlandishly bold despite swaying with your hands behind your back. “Please, don’t take that the wrong way. I meant it as a compliment! I used to have a tiny crush on you, baseless, but you helped me catch my broomstick and I’ll never be able to forget that.”

Doyoung, unknowingly, lights up at your shameless confession and takes another good look at you. You're much more mature now, and if he stared into your alluring gaze any longer, he’d be completely mesmerized without the need of a love potion. “So you liked me over a meaningless chivalrous act?”

“I liked you because you were charming and yes, perhaps I am someone who finds attractiveness in men who are chivalrous. There’s nothing wrong with that.” You bat your sweet eyelashes at him so endearingly, and he’s a blushing mess all over the place.

Doyoung has had anonymous love letters passed on from his friends, but they were all Slytherins who yearned greedily to be associated with his status. So knowing that a Hufflepuff, with an innocent youthful approach to love, festered some form of infatuation with him does flatter him quite well. “I’ll let you go.”

You’re about to exhale an exasperated sigh of relief until Doyoung continues, “under one condition.”

“Okay, I’ll do anything.” Your gleaming eyes sparkle like stars paired with the night sky.

He rolls his eyes at you, “don’t be so quick to jump at conditions without hearing them first.” Doyoung groans and you passively brush off his comment.

“If it’s harmless, I’ll do it.”

And in the dead of the night, where only you two stand in the middle of an empty cobblestone hallway, Doyoung requests, “I want to see you again.”

Although that night marked the beginning of your friendship, public interactions were still scarce and this was mainly on the fault of Doyoung. The times you met were late nights past curfew where he was stationed at and he grew to enjoy your wondrous personality. This boy grew up in a Slytherin bubble his whole life, no one outside of his house ever dared approached him … at least, not with the warmest smile as yours.

You were everything he was not, but he liked it so much. You were a half that completed his whole, and there were growing pains he couldn’t confide in anyone else. Surprisingly, you knew his imperfections more than he did himself and yet, you still wanted to be around him to encourage him. Not to mention, you had a sudden growth in other parts of your body and formed into your features very beautifully.

He wasn’t the only one who noticed, as there were more male counterparts who smiled at you, talked about you, fawned over you. And he felt something heighten inside of him along with his existing romantic feelings, and that he began seeing you in a new light.

With you experiencing new things, like hand holding and being showered by love letters on Valentine’s Day, it was wrong of him to fester such envy over the ones who publicly adorned you. He was so blinded by his hot headed rage that he completely missed the fact that you never accepted anyone who confessed, maybe the hand holding, but everyone else was a complete rejection.

All this time, you had been waiting for him and when you two shared your first kiss together, you had an assumption that Doyoung was going to finally confess that he felt the same way. But he never did. You two did, however, further your relationship into something more intimate and taking each other’s virginities opened a whole pathway of possibilities --- none being one where you two end up officially together.

He was the first to sleep with someone else, that was his first of many mistakes that he was going to make in his relationship with you. It also became the drop of the needle for you to start seeing other people as well, to explore what Doyoung couldn’t offer, to rid yourself of the feelings you had for a boy that didn’t seem like he wanted anything more.

Chivalry was dead and Doyoung believed that the innocent youthful Hufflepuff love had disappeared from within you.

As his present day runs after you, you’re abruptly stopped by a Ravenclaw for a small chat. Damn you Hufflepuffs for being friendly and social. So, he rushes past the two of you and into the classroom to await for your arrival. The quick shade of green flashes by your side and you’re fuming incredibly at how Doyoung continues to play you like a harp.

When you slide into your assigned seat next to him, he goes off like a canon. Doyoung starts spewing backhanded excuses and endless shameless rambles about his behavior. “I told you. Don’t talk to me during class or I will jinx you. Won’t be able to talk with your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth.”

“You’re not going to jinx me.” With a subtle flick of his wrist, your chair is pulled closer to his. “And if you were to do so, you wouldn’t do something so cynical.” Yelping at the abrupt usage of his magic, you’re irritably pressing your ink into your journal with a newfound annoyance.

“You’re right. I’d turn you into a duck, so at least, you’re still cute to look at.” The mindless scribbles on the paper make no sense in your head, as you’re primarily zoned in on the disrupted energy you have about your Slytherin companion. These ill feelings make you almost sick, wanting to shut out any bad replay of the moments before and forgetting about the attention you seek so much from Doyoung.

“For you to successfully cast a jinx on me, you must make eye contact first.” His finger lifts your chin and you’re eye to eye with his lustful dark stare. Doyoung licks his lips, a shine shimmers from his saliva, and he’s tempted to bring you into his chambers for an intimacy he’s been craving. “My, oh my. You’re looking very charmed today.” A grin curves up and taunts you, and you’re blinking away down at the table.

“Doyoung, we’re in class. Please, focus.” Your desperate whisper turns into a whine once his cold hand slyly smooths over your bare knee.

“Are you free later tonight?” Doyoung peers over at your side profile and your skin feels soft at his fingertips. He’s imagining your intoxicating scent mixing with his sheets, your light playful kisses along his neck, and gripping onto every naked part of you. For a whole minute, he’s forgotten that he’s in class with other no name individuals and a boring professor. He has tunnel vision whenever he’s with you.

“I have an arrangement.” The grip on your knee tightens at your quiet answer. An arrangement.

“The Gryffindor who had leafy greens in between his teeth?” Doyoung treads lightly, because you’re both well aware he’s made harsher insults than that. He retrieves his hand and picks up his pen as if he’s never touched you.

He sees your head shake out of the corner of his eye, you’re rolling your lips together sheepishly. There’s something odd about your stance and he’s growing a bit more curious…. A bit more spiteful at how closed off you are being. There’s something you’re hiding from him. “Then, who?”

“Is there something you’d like to discuss with the class, Mr. Kim? If not, I’d like for everyone to head over to the greenhouse.” As the class slightly snickers and the classroom empties, you and Doyoung are stopped by your professor.

Professor Sprout, wearing her worn out Dragon hide gloves and a thin lined smile, shoves a potted plant into Doyoung’s hands, “behave, you two. Your conversations are never very secret when spoken aloud.” She gives both of you a warning before proceeding out along with the rest of the class.

Doyoung scoffs at the absurd encounter and rolls his eyes. “Ah, you’re getting me in trouble with you now.”

“I’m sorry, Doyoung. It’s better that you don’t know.” You say this every time, when will you realize that keeping your hookups a secret only causes him more agony? He catches your wrist as you both exit the corridors, he barely ever has you alone now. And to say the least, he fucking misses you.

“Spare me some of your time after class.” He’s disgusted by himself, knowing that his eyes are begging for you to say yes. Him, a highly admired Slytherin, has settled for scraps and if anyone knew, they’d never let him live.

Your hand gently clasps over his and when you look up with your starry eyes, something inside him feels at peace. “Did you miss me?” He gulps at your question and blinks at you like a deer in headlights. If said by anyone else, he would not hesitate to snap his fingers into a malicious spell. But you ask the million dollar question so sweetly, there’s no taunt… there’s no mockery in your tone. It’s full of genuine curiosity.

So, he answers you with part of his heart that you know too well. “Unfortunately.” His body falls slightly in defeat, and suddenly the potted plant is alive in his hands. It’s wailing a dangerous and annoying loud cry, completely ruining the moment.

Doyoung quizzically ponders the monstrous green plant and its magical capabilities puzzle him, possibly reminding him to pay more attention to the actual curriculum than on your unbuttoned shirt.

Moreover, your giggle surprisingly calms him in this stressful situation and you lightly pat his hand that’s still gripping your wrist. “I’m all yours after class.”

Taking the wretched plant, you hurry off toward the greenhouse to find someone to diffuse the crying creature. Doyoung laughs in disbelief at your comical animated figure running around with a pot over your head and shouting for any student to help you. So you’re not paying attention in class either?

Doyoung takes you to your favorite place, despite the rule that you’re not allowed access to it. The Prefect Bathroom remains spotlessly clean and fresh paired with an immediate scent of rosewater and wild honeysuckle. The white polished marble gleams prettily under the twinkling diamond chandeliers and you’re twirling enthusiastically in the center of the large undressing area.

He observes and smiles widely to himself at the sight of your happiness and cute giggles. It’s always a risk to have you use their bathroom, but he is always abusing his privilege to seek your enjoyment that he truly doesn’t care about anything else. Your morality has beaten him enough and he’s heard plenty about his wrongdoings, yet here you are… sweetly dancing in the one place that’s absolutely wrong. Perhaps, you two have rubbed off a little too much on one another.

“I can never get sick of this place.” As you plead to Doyoung to cast a bubble bath, you’re already stripping out of your skirt. He shields his eyes to give you some privacy and recites the charm to run hot dazzling water in the ginormous pool. A nice soothing bath is exactly what you two need after a stressful day playing in the dirt.

“This is your favorite place.” says Doyoung with a matter of fact edge to this tone.

“It’s my favorite place because I only get to come here with you.” You jump on his back and he hoists you up by your thighs. His heart skips a happy tune. “I refuse for you to tell me the password, even if you do wish for me to enjoy the simple pleasures of a bubble bath.”

“You and your right and wrongs.” With eager hands, you’re loosening his tie from around his neck. “You stripped so fast that you’re going to get a cold.”

“It’s going to get steamy really soon. Plus, I know you like me best without any clothes on.” Your hot breath tickles the shell of his ear and a blush scatters across Doyoung’s cheek. Button after button, his open shirt exposes his toned build. He sets you on the edge of the elevated step before the bath.

Doyoung smirks at your nakedness and your hot lustful expression. Leaning in until he’s practically breathing against your lips, he stares straight into your eyes. “My Puff knows me best.” And dives into you with all his soul. Fruitful drags of his lips along yours, his long tongue enters your mouth. His large hand carefully caresses your cheek to pull you further into the kiss, noses pressing into skin and with a desire to never part.

His heart swells lovingly, kissing you feels like the best thing in the world. There are no tricks, no spells, no recited charms, but you are more than magical. The same surge of energy runs through his veins, but unlike his impressive ability as a notable wizard, he can’t control it. You make him lose control. As meticulous and cautious as he is, you’re the first thing he doesn’t think through.

Your needy hands push off his dress shirt and he hurriedly unbuckles his belt. When you break the kiss, he automatically pouts and pulls you back in for one more lingering peck. “Are you going to scrub my back for me?” You smile, dragging him closer to the overflowing bathtub.

Large puffs of white bubbles spill from the rims and disappear with your every step. It reminds you of sea foam that washes upon the shore, with a floral fragrant that fills your lungs. “That’s quite an intimate gesture, but yes.”

After removing all his garments, he joins you in the large pool of glossy bubbles and the clouds of steam that rises from the water suffocates him warmly. He sits with his back against the wall and eyes unwavering on your alluring expression.

The bubbles do a great job at covering your breasts, but his sneaky hands snake under the water to grip them. Doyoung grabs a full tit and thumbs over your erect nipple, all while he holds the most sensual gaze with you. Slowly, you naturally end up in his hold and your wet back relaxes against his chest.

The beating of his heart is too loud and surely, you can feel the way it jumps out of his chest. Doyoung attaches his lips on your skin and as you’re melting at his harsh suckling. However, you perk up and snap out of your dazed arousal at the realization of his purposeful licks. “You’re trying to mark me?”

His hand continues to rub and twist your aching nipples. The sensation stimulating the growth of pleasure to sprout below and your mind to wander.

“Possibly.”

A lovers’ mark is the ultimate testament of mutual love. Engraving the skin with your beloved’s Patronus, wherever the giver chooses to mark. Love emblems are meant to be something sacred to the couple, a way to make someone completely untouchable to everyone else. Not only does the symbol glow with an iridescent shine whenever love is felt, it also numbs any romantic feelings for all others besides the partner.

Besides the use of possessiveness, it’s a beautiful way to discover one true love since the engraving of their Patronus shows up on the skin under the conditions that both individuals must be madly in love with one another. And if it doesn’t end up forming, the receiver is left with a bright, sparkling star hue in its place before fading away completely. If it does appear, it fades when both fall out of love.

“Doyoung--” His name falls from your lips as a moan and he’s running down to explore the beauty between your legs. “--can’t do that unless you actually want to commit to me.”

“I am committed to you.” The more your neck cranes off to the side and exposed to him, the more he wishes to etch the symbol of his love for everyone to see. A hand is hooked under your thigh to keep your legs spread open and you’re gasping at the slight pressure from the water.

“Romantically committed to me.” You remind him, but your train of thought is cut fairly short as Doyoung begins rubbing circles on your needy clit.

“You’re afraid of it showing up?” He’s lathering your breasts with bubbles and dragging his long finger along your slit. His greediness overtakes him and with wandering hands, he’s gripping every part of you that they can reach. Doyoung’s guilty pleasure is always going to any form of physical affection from you specifically. When he finally gets ahold of you, it’s hard for him to let go.

Your warm skin is delicate and smooth beneath the very tips of his fingers and every exploration of your terrain makes him feel inexplicable explosions of fondness. Perhaps, you’ve captivated him and although he believed it would take something as extreme as the Amortentia to have him falling for someone, you did it as easily as being yourself. His better half.

So, he’s impressed by your genuineness and how he’s willing to give up parts of his reputation to unapologetically be himself around you. No one else matters, nothing else matters, but why must it be so difficult to tell you that?

“I’m afraid of it not showing up.” You’re more than convinced that Doyoung has confused his strong sense of lust with love and there would be no possible way his Patronus would appear. It’s better to save the embarrassment for the both of you.

Spinning in his arms, the water twirls to the curves of your body and he’s admiring parts that expose above the surface. He’s matched with your beauty before him, resemblance to the stained glass window that situates above the large bathroom.

However, the doubt in your statement finally reaches his ears and he’s grabbing your ass as you settle over his thighs again. His furrowed eyebrows bring together a rather upset expression --- lip pout and all.

“Why wouldn’t it show up?” Doyoung puzzles, bringing your arms to wrap around his neck. Leaning into him, your pruney fingers trace his smooth chin and he notices your quick flicker between his eyes and his lips.

While your gentle kiss reassures him of your subtle endearment, your next words do the opposite. “You tell me.” All you do is push him away with your vague doubtfulness, like you’re constantly testing him and using his poor guessing skills to your own advantage. He can pull you close after any altercation he wants, but you push him away in any emotionally romantic sense.

“You’re rather mischievous and mysterious today,” Doyoung squeezes your ass and smacks it lightly, causing ripples in the water. “I liked it better when you told me everything you felt.”

Suddenly, his fingers poke at your entrance and his other hand drops in between your legs again. Your mouth opens in shock when his long fingers enter slowly and he enjoys the pleasurable contour of your reactions. “Like this, for example.” The pad of his fingers working rapid flicks against your sensitive bud. “How does this feel?” His whisper dances across your shoulder, landing a kiss at the end of his question.

Your moans echo in the lavish bathroom, bouncing off the marble walls and encouraging Doyoung to keep a steady pace. There’s no worry about how loud you may be, Doyoung charms every room before every lustful encounter. This allows you to let go, let free, let him know how he makes you feel.

He curves his fingers into you, pumping and dragging into your tightness until you’re practically screaming. He only has one thought, as his eyes trail down your intoxicated needy figure, how beautiful you are as a moaning mess under his control. Your head is thrown back, eyes are squeezed shut and opening them to see nothing but tiny yellow starlight.

Dainty kisses line your exposed neck line and his ego swells with so much pride. Doyoung has mastered every flick of his wrist to have you under his trance, spewing nonsensical words and forgetting anyone else that exists. He gives your erect nipples harsh licks and with a faint drag of teeth, the sensation pushes you to your end.

Sporadic pleasurable convulsions cause your legs to close around Doyoung’s hands, but the strength of his knee keeps them apart. “Doyoung… I’m going to free fall.”

Leave it up to you to beautifully announce your climax. He snickers, applying more pressure on your clit and a rubbing motion against your walls. “I’ll catch you.”

Moon crescents embed into his skin as you’re holding onto him with your whole life. As your scream hits every octave, the massive collection of bubbles that cover the surface of the bath fly and splatter every corner of the pristine room.

White and wet bubbles drip down from the walls, falling from the diamond chandeliers, and coating every steamy mirror. Doyoung’s eyes light up from the chaos, making sure you’re riding out your high for as long as he can provide.

Your body trembles with euphoria, falling forward into Doyoung’s chest and squeezing around his lazily pumping fingers. For a brief second, your mind is wiped and nothing in the world feels better than being in this perfect moment with the one person who’s Patronus you hoped would etch your skin.

If one possesses feelings that are practically unbearable to contain, one should confess… right? For all your life, you’ve lived by this statement. Friends do not hear the end of it and most surely, one should follow their own advice… right?

So why do you yearn for Doyoung in your gaze as he stands across the Great Hall as if he doesn’t know of your existence? As if he wasn’t kissing you in the Prefect bathroom a few days prior?

It’s not an understatement to say that you catch the attention of almost every person in the room, but the one head that refuses to turn your way… the one who’s looks you wish to steal… is the one person who looks right through you.

Feelings have become a nuisance ever since the first time you confessed to him and it was worse than landing on cobblestone after falling off your broom. The reason why you’ve buried them deeper than any chamber is that you’re positive that the prized Slytherin would rather be with another, preferably one from his own house.

While you try to remain optimistic and playful for the time being, you’re simply replaceable to him. He can barely care to acknowledge you in public when Gryffindors boast about you in their arms like winning a trophy. You’ve kept good relations with every Ravenclaw you’ve slept with. You’ve kindly rejected every romantic gesture another Hufflepuff has offered.

But if there is one thing you’ve learned about him is that he’s lived in his Slytherin circle for as long as he lives. And it will stay that way. You’re his sweet Hufflepuff that he’ll push away at no cost, then pull you back in secrecy.

Now if one feels as if they’re wasting their time, one should leave… right? Wrong. Kim Doyoung has skewed with your morality… and your feelings remain loyal to him since the day he confessed to see you again.

“Lemon-drop, I’ve been looking all over for you.” An arm slings around your shoulders and the notable red and gold tie is the first thing you see. Jung Jaehyun, Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, flashes his deep dimples at you. “Walk with me.”

He extends his palm out for you to take and your friends painfully elbow your sides to wake you from your hesitation. Taking his hand, you get up from the dining table and follow him out the Great Hall.

Doyoung sees the scene unfold before him and rolls his eyes at how Jaehyun’s dimples are all it takes to have you wandering off with him. Despite every wicked intent to follow you two, he heads out in the direction of the dormitories to fume in his room.

“It’s such a nice and sunny day today.” Jaehyun runs a hand through his luscious brown locks. You both exit into the front courtyard as other students are scattered on the lawns mingling with one another. When you peer up at the sky, the sun is barely seen past the layers of clouds.

“Jaehyun, is there something you needed to speak with me about?” His laughter roars, full of hefty song and amusement.

“Listen, lemon-drop. I like you and I have a feeling you feel the same way. I want to mark you if you’d let me.” Jaehyun smirks and just as he brings your hand up for a kiss, you gently let go. “Am I coming off too strong? We don’t have to do it today, I just wanted to see if it would show.”

“Jaehyun, you’re going to find an extravagant person one day. A person who is going to know all your favorite castle balconies to swing from and how you like to be kissed on the nose.” His ears grow a bright red and for once, his gaze drops to the ground. “I am, unfortunately, not that person for you so I must kindly reject your confession.”

As you turn on your toes, Jaehyun lightly holds your wrist to stop you. “But, you know all those things about me. Is there anything I can do to prove that we belong together?”

“I know them because I care enough to remember things you tell me, not because I loved you enough to observe these things about you. I give you my word that there is nothing you can do to prove me otherwise.” The corners of his lips dip downward and you’re running to the one person that will erase this sad rejection from your memory.

When you’re scanning the Great Hall for any sign of him, he’s not there and it leads you to his only hiding place. Doyoung loves to shut himself out from the rest of the school whenever he gets the chance. However, a lost Hufflepuff wandering outside the entrance of the Slytherin dormitories is rather an odd sight to see and you haven’t had the chance to form many connections from this house.

The sparse amount of Slytherins you know aren’t going to be passing by, unless with some stroke of luck, someone will be kind enough to open the door for you. Every person passes by you with questionable stares until a silver haired boy blinks at you with wide eyes.

“Who is it that you’re trying to see?” He asks abrasively, but softens his tone when he realizes that you mean no harm.

You bid him a small grin, “your Prefect.”

“And what for?”

“There is an urgent matter that involves him and he’s practically unreachable when he’s hiding away in his private room.” The boy narrows his eyes at you, but beckons you to follow him down to the Slytherin dungeon.

Excitedly, you hurry behind him and whisper over his shoulder, “what’s your name?”

“Nakamoto Yuta. No need to tell me yours, I’ll doubt he’d want me to know.” He spits and then, mutters the enchanted password to reveal the large green common room. “Come this way.” He leads up the boys’ dorms and walks briskly. Although you never mentioned a name, Yuta seems to already know who you’re here to see and it makes you wonder how he must know.

“Open up.” Yuta stops and knocks at the wooden door, Kim Doyoung written in a fancy penmanship on the center. “You have a guest.” He looks your way before rolling his eyes at Doyoung’s irritated tone through the other side.

“Tell them to leave.”

“He wants you to leave.” Yuta repeats, mostly to satisfy Doyoung’s nag.

“That’s fine. Thank you for bring---” The door swings open abruptly and Yuta almost loses his balance. Doyoung frantically turns his head side to side to comprehend what he is seeing. His ears felt deceived, hearing your voice through the door, he had to make sure it wasn’t you.

But you stand before him and Yuta. Here you are approaching him whenever he least expects it. “What are you doing here?”

“I came by to see you. I’ve been here plenty of times.”

“What are you doing bringing her in?” scolds Doyoung and the other boy shrugs carelessly.

“What was I supposed to do? Let her bat puppy eyes at several other Slytherins and have her telling everyone who passes her that she came here to see our Prefect? It was also getting cold out.” Yuta mumbles, but finds great entertainment at seeing how frazzled Doyoung has gotten by your presence.

“It was a bit chilly.” You admit and Doyoung groans, pulling you into his room and shutting the door on Yuta. “Thank you, Yuta.” You whisper through the crack between the door frame.

“It’s too risky for you to be searching for me around other Slytherins.” Doyoung paces the room and you notice his tie is loose and shirt is unbuttoned around his neck. “Why are you here?”

“A Gryffindor blew me off. I thought I’d come and see you with all the free time I can get.” Taking a seat at the end of his neatly made bed, your legs swing adorably and Doyoung almost doesn’t hear you.

“Jaehyun? Does he think he’s too good for you or something? That cocky dimple Gryffindor, with the draw of my wand---” Doyoung whips out his intricately customized Dragon Heartstring, and you’re on your feet to calm his temper down.

“Will you put that thing away? I’m here for you.” Your giggle warms his tight chest and puts out the fueling flame for anyone who dares to hurt you in any way. “It’s not a big deal and it’s not the first time it has happened.”

Doyoung uncomfortably clears his throat and withdraws his wand. Buttoning up his shirt, he fixes his tie back in place. To say the least, your words erupted his festering jealousy and this may have been a small tipping point.

Before you had entered, he was so frustrated with himself and you. You can just walk away with another man without a second thought, in front of him too. He remembered the soft feeling of your body and how he’s not the only one who’s needy hands ran their course over you. That may be the one pain he can never get rid of.

“I never understood why you give other men the time of your day when they just brush you off undeservingly.” He stings and you’re slightly surprised at his sudden attack. When you respond in silence, he continues.“I thought Hufflepuffs are to be loyal, so why do you sleep with other men?”

Crossing your arms, your weight is barred on your left leg and there is a shift in your overall mood. With an eyebrow raised, you sass him back, “People say Slytherins are ambitious, so why didn’t you chase after me?”

Doyoung swallows hard and blinks at you speechless. A clammy hand runs through his black strands as he tries to find any possible explanation without confessing his feelings. If he had a plan to confess, it would never be in the middle of an inquisition with you.

“I guess you didn’t think before acting on your desires.” And how he hated how correct that statement is. He doesn’t ever think whenever he’s around you. All his actions are conducted with his emotions and the feelings that overtake him.

Doyoung scoffs, rolling his eyes at your rash comment. “Aren’t you supposed to have the strongest morality among all the houses?”

“Sleeping with multiple men isn’t morally wrong. There’s nothing wrong with it…” The slight hurt from his question is difficult to ignore, but you must remember one thing if you want to protect your heart on your sleeve. This is nothing serious to be bickering over. You two aren’t anything serious, so why feel the need to squabble over nonsense? “... it would only be wrong if someone liked me and wished to commit to me.”

Your eyes meet and Doyoung blinks at you with wide eyes. His Adam’s Apple bobs as he gulps again, completely whiplashed at how the conversation has turned. “And if that’s the case and you like me, would that make you jealous, Doyoung? That’s why you’re trying to poorly attack my character?” He’s never heard such a strong taunt in your tone and he’s baffled by it, slightly aroused, but shocked.

“I don’t like you.” His voice is small and he pouts his lips at you. Doyoung crosses his arms and perhaps, his sad expression reveals a little more than it should have. Your heart softens at his ridiculously cute response, had you expected something much more angry and vindictive.

“Then this conversation is over, right? I’ll be on my way now. I have herbology.”

“We have the same class.” He grumbles, grabbing his robe from his desk chair.

You open the door to make your exit, “but since you don’t want to be seen with a Hufflepuff, I’ll go ahead first.” When you stumble out into the hallway, a recognizable face brightens at your appearance.

“Haechan! Hello, I haven’t seen you in a while.” You’re cheering and Doyoung chews the inside of his cheek. His pride is left at the door and along with all the things that hold him back from you, he doesn’t want to push you away anymore.

“My favorite Hufflepuff, are you just leaving?” Haechan walks up to open his arms, wishing to embrace you in the longest hug. However, Doyoung quickly takes you by your hand and rushes past him.

“She came to walk with me to class. Bye Haechan.” And Haechan is left standing in the middle of the hallway, confused and watching your backs as you’re both briskly walking out the common room.

Doyoung looks back at you, “you think I’m going to let you walk out of my room and have another Slytherin walk you to class? Don’t be so foolish.”

But you are foolish. Your heart beats foolishly and loudly for Kim Doyoung. And may you be foolish enough to wonder if his heart does the same for you.

And it does. Foolishly. Loudly. Lovingly.

You both wonder if this vicious cycle will ever meet its end. Doyoung pushes you away by ignoring your existing relationship, but pulls you back into his embrace as if it never happened. You push him away by running off with other men, but come back to him as if he’s the one person you’re loyal to.

But on this particular night, after mass circulation of rumors reaches the ears of the lovesick Slytherin, Doyoung is pulling you away from your huddled group of friends in the middle of the long corridor hallways. Without any greeting, any spoken words, he’s dragging you to his room right in front of everyone to see. His hand around yours like it was two days prior, but with an expression so grave on his sullen face.

The silence between you two brings no comfort, but you don’t dare say the first words. Doyoung, finally, approached you first in public and it is possibly for a greater reason. Perhaps you’ve done something horribly wrong, and the moment you two step into his room that you’ll hear a mouthful.

However when he closes the door to his room, your hand immediately drops from his embrace and he turns to face you. There is a darkness in his eyes, one that light cannot touch, and his lips are tight in a line.

There is an eerie silence that fills the dark room and the murky windows paint the area an ominous green. Doyoung focuses on your confused, yet adorable expression. “Why did you lie to me?”

The door catches your slight stumble and you’re blinking cluelessly at him. “About what?”

“Jaehyun.” He breathes the name in spite and aggressively loosens his tie. “He didn’t blow you off. You rejected him and he’s telling everyone it's because you’re in love with someone else.”

You scorn at such a ridiculous rumor and for the fact that it’s even made its way around to Doyoung. Another realization hits you. All it took for him to approach you in public is a meaningless rumor.

So in response, you laugh and it mocks him further. “This is not a laughing matter, y/n.”

“I’m sorry, but why are you so upset at that? Fine. I did lie to you, but I never told Jaehyun I was in love with anyone else.”

“Are you in love with someone else?” Doyoung says with balled fists at his side. There is a mixture of anger and sadness running through his veins and he’s so sick of feeling this way.

Your hesitation speaks for you, “It’s better that you don’t know.”

“You say this every time and it does nothing to ease my conscience.” Doyoung throws his hands in the air and stares at you with sharp eyes. “Is that why you were afraid that my emblem wouldn’t show up? Because your heart belongs to another. Yeah, I heard Jaehyun wanted to mark you too.”

Men and their constant want to prove something to themselves with their marks. Everyone has a twisted reality of markings now. There have been many others who have tried to mark you, feeling as if lust would be enough to suffice its appearance. As one's Patronus is special to their own protection, a beloved’s Patronus mark holds the same value.

You’re quite at a loss for words, “I was afraid that it wouldn’t show up, not because of myself, but because of you.”

Doyoung points at himself in disbelief. Him? He loves you more than anyone he’s ever encountered, even if you didn’t know it. “I wouldn’t have almost tried it if I wasn’t sure of myself.”

“You don’t love me, Doyoung. I don’t even know if I can even say you romantically like me.” Those words hurt the both of you and it lingers in the room for longer than you’d like.

“Do you think I fuck you meaninglessly like all those other losers you sleep with?” Doyoung steps forward, pulling you into his chest and admiring everything he’s fallen in love with. A pain spreads across his heart as he thinks of you with another person, of someone else kissing you, of someone else making you happy.

“You really don’t feel it in the way I kiss you?” He asks once more and your own stare drops to his shoulder, a bit ashamed to maintain eye contact with such pained eyes.

“And if I did? How would you explain that? That you are actually in love with me?” Your questions pelt him like rocks. As he pushes you on his bed, you pull him down with his tie.

Doyoung drinks you up like fresh water, a crisp and refreshing love that encourages him to reach heights. His hand cups your face and his feather touches reminds you of his gentleness. Your lips taste like sweet honey, dripping and coating him with a sticky sugar.

He’s happier with you and he’s the happiest kissing you. Perhaps, it’s hard for him to express with words, but he’d always hope his actions speak louder. So, his lips press against yours with a whirl of passion and every good feeling that grows in his chest.

The collar of his shirt is wrinkled in your fist and you’re holding him as if you’re afraid of him letting go. Doyoung runs a hand down your torso and lifts the end of your skirt up. A warm hand pushes your legs apart and a finger presses your clit through your cotton panties.

Your mouth opens into a moan and he takes this opportunity to shove his long tongue inside, lapping with your own. As a wet spot forms on your panties, he pulls them to the side and gathers the slick to gently rub your erect clit. His name is lost and muffled in the kiss, but you tap at his chest.

When he breaks away and halts all movement, he looks down over you with a fire burning in his dark orbs. And a confession falls from his swollen lips, “may I mark you?”

“And if it doesn’t show up?” Though, you’re wishing to the most powerful wizards that it does or else your heart would shatter into a million pieces beyond repair.

He bites his lip and every possible outcome scatters his thoughts. It’s too hard to concentrate, so he doesn’t at all. He focuses on your pretty lips and the way you look at him like he’s the only person that matters. “Then, we’ll deal with the consequences later.”

With your quick nod, Doyoung attaches his lips to your neck and harshly sucks at your skin. For the most part, it’s a pleasurable feeling and sends a shiver down your spine. So, he licks and nibbles until he can barely breathe. Your faint scent of patchouli and ginger intoxicates him, wraps him up in a fuzzy coziness that is unmatched.

Your hands unbutton his shirt and a final gentle bite seals his mark. If the love is reciprocated, the emblem would take a moment to form. Doyoung is rather hopeful and excited, as he’s never seen his Patronus before. “You look beautiful.”

“And you look dazed as if someone charmed you.” You giggle and kiss his red lips.

“You’re quite the powerful one, my Puff.” He smiles against your jaw before proceeding to your mess down below. He gives your aching clit a few licks, which cause your body to twist and turn at the sensitive sensation.

“Please, I haven’t felt you in so long.” Whining and tugging at his hair, Doyoung leaves a lasting kiss and gets up to remove his pants.

“Did you miss me?” Doyoung raises a suggestive eyebrow and cocks his head to the side in mockery, a smirk growing on his face.

You reply with a silly response that only he knows and causes him to chuckle, “unfortunately.” And he’s finding every way not to confess his endearments for you.

His dick stands tall and proud against his abdomen, giving it a few jerks as he watches you strip out of your own clothes. You turn around and sit on your knees, with a slight tilt forward and the arch in your back to accentuate your ass.

Doyoung rolls on the protection as quickly as he can. His hands lightly smack your cheeks and slowly enters your dripping hole. His hands grip your hips as he slides deeper into you, both being moaning messes at the delicious feeling.

“Have you always been this big?” You look back at him and to which he devilishly smiles at you.

“You know just the way to fuel my ego,” when his length is fully buried inside of your tight walls, he wraps an arm around your waist and a hand on your tit. “After all the times you’ve been fucked, your pussy is still as tight as ever.”

Doyoung slams hard into you, showing no mercy and causing you to jolt up. He takes every frustration, every feeling of anger, every ounce of jealousy into his thrusts. “But you take me so well, darling. I’ve never seen someone as pretty as you.”

His compliments cause your heart to soar, despite the soreness you’re beginning to feel in your pussy. He’s relentless, bottoming out until his tip is practically in your guts. “Just like that, baby. You’re the only one who fucks me this good.”

He blushes under the low light and leans forward to kiss the top of your head. “My Puff, you’re so sweet to me.” The loud squelch of your tight pussy gripping his dick fills the hot room, “and so wet.”

You’re shamelessly dripping on his green velvet blanket and Doyoung picks up his speed. Your knees give out as you fall face forward into the mattress, hands in fists from the incredible pleasure of every hit. Your ass now in his full view and every tingle of magic lights up in his veins.

Your throat is raw from screaming and moaning, Doyoung holds your hips steady to thrust into a new angle. Automatically, your body twitches as his tip hits your special spot and he’s well aware that you’re close to releasing.

And with his fast thrusts, he asks you an intimate question that is fueled by envy and rage. “If I fuck you the best, then why do you sleep with other men?”

There are no thoughts in your mind to even give him a white lie, to mask the truth of your actions. He’s fucking you into an oblivion that it’s hard to even focus on anything besides pleasure. The books on his shelf begin to tremble as you’re crying out, “I- I don’t know! Fuck, please… ! I’m tipping over.”

“Answer the question or I will stop.” He’s absolutely cynical and you have every reason to believe his threat. Doyoung lifts your limp body upright, against his torso and an arm secured around your middle as before. His hand snakes to your clit, rubbing feathering circles over the neglected bud.

Nonetheless, his single action paired with his tip grazing harshly against the particular spot causes your legs to tremble. “Do you want me to stop?” His threat rings in your ears when you still left him without an answer.

You’re so close, you’re starting to see white. So, you say what your heart tells you and the truth falls from your lips in a loud confession. “Because I wanted you to love me instead! I fucked them to forget about my love for you… fuck, I’m--”

“I’ve got you. Let go of yourself, baby.” Doyoung slows his hips when your walls squeeze around him sporadically. Every book flies out and hits the opposite wall, clattering the floor with heavy academia. However, he repeats your proclamation endlessly in his mind and his heart surges with the most intense romantic desires.

“I do love you, y/n.” He whispers, cumming into his rubber and simply holding you tightly. He lets go of every prideful arrogance in his body, tossing the lame reputation he always tried to hold onto. He didn’t need that if it meant losing you. Doyoung chuckles to himself for being an obvious cliché, announcing one’s love in the midst of a lustful act. He pulls out and gently tucks you into the covers.

Breathless, you’re finally realizing his confession. “You do? Are you sure?” Any subtle movements has your aching lower half in pain, so you settle with resting on his plush pillows and await for him to join you in bed.

All this time, from beginning to now, you’ve been oblivious to his yearning looks across the Great Hall. The intensity of his kisses had been lost upon you completely as you had convinced yourself that he was incompatibly of loving you back. Even now, as you lay in slight doubt, you’re wondering how you managed to have everything fly over your head.

When he discards his used protection and with a quick flick of his wrist, every book finds its original place on the shelf again, he enters the warm covers. Your arms wrap around his neck and you’re admiring each other’s expressions in the low light. He spots the notable twinkle in your eyes and his thumb lightly rubs your cheek.

“If the symbol of my Patronus doesn’t show, I promise to love you harder until it does.” Doyoung leaves the softest, most loving kiss on your lips. He’s more than thankful for the lack of light as he’s bashfully red all over his cheeks.

“Usually, people just give up.” Your voice is harsh, possibly from the deafening screaming of pleasure prior.

Doyoung shakes his head. He’s made too many mistakes in this relationship with you. Sleeping with another. Ignoring your existence. Being too prideful to be seen with another house. All these incidents have made him feel nothing but ugliness and distraught, and pushed you away further than how much he is able to pull you back.

He loves you. He’s in love with you. He’s fallen for you recklessly as you did off your broom the first encounter. You’re everything he’s never been and never will be, yet you don’t care. You’re by his side, despite his spitefulness and you never miss a beat. That innocent youth approach to love, oh how he wishes it never faded, and though he thought it did, it didn’t. You remain true to your character when he fights with himself internally.

“That would be a mistake and I can’t afford to keep making them.” A glossy sheen over Doyoung’s regretful eyes, but you pull him closer and you refuse to let his eyes wander.

A tired harmless sigh escapes your lips and a dreamy haze overcomes you. Besides the reminder of needing to use the bathroom flashing in your mind, there is nothing else you want to dissect. Feelings are too complex to discuss at the moment and the resolve has already passed.

Regardless of the marks appearing, you’re content with the night and for the rest of your days. Kim Doyoung, the Slytherin boy of your dreams, loves you back and the power of that alone beats any spell in those dusty old textbooks.

“Why can’t we lay here forever?” Your heavy eyelids fall slowly and your voice grows small.

Doyoung kisses your shoulder, then your neck. “That’s impossible. I can’t give you forever.” He mumbles against your skin, sending vibrations across your throat.

“You are my forever.” Doyoung halts and is left speechless as a white glowing entity catches his eye. And the absolute perfect outline of his Patronus sits underneath your jaw, brightly shining with iridescent brilliance --- he makes out the outline: a White Swan, representing his love for you. Doyoung smiles to himself and hopes for it to never fade. Perhaps, he can give you forever.

some fun critical questions to think about hehe -

why do you think y/n lied to doyoung about jaehyun confessing? why do you think yuta helped y/n enter the Slytherin dormitories? what is the meaning behind the White Swan Patronus? Why do you think y/n continued to like doyoung after all this time?

there are no right or wrong answers, just something fun to have you thinking a little more about the fic haha if you want, you can send me an ask about it :) but overall, no pressure and thank you for reading! please leave me some feedback if you can! happy new year!

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warmau · 5 years

Text

Love Struck!AU x Monsta X

me: im not love struck. hyungwon: _____ me: pause

Shownu

you walk by and shownu sees it in slow motion, rose colored background and angel hymns playing in his ears

the food on his chopsticks falls right down because he’s still staring at the spot you where just in and jooheon gives him a weird look

when confronted with the idea that he sees you as something more than just a friend he short-circuits

“uh....well....that....well it....that....well...”

minhyuk: it’s ok, take your time

you catch him off guard one afternoon, reading a book recommended by one of his friends

you slip in beside him, pointing at one of the lines

“isn’t this a little too poetic for your taste, hyunwoo?”

his lips part, glasses threatening to slide down his nose as he forgets how to string together a sentence

you smile and a warmth bursts through his huge body that he’s never experienced before

you don’t notice his neck go pink as you lean in even closer

he’s so scared you might hear the white noise blaring through his mind as your arm brushes his

“do you like romance novels?”

you question, curiously and shownu wants to say one thing but all he can do is give out a curt

“i like you.”

Wonho

doesn’t know where to look when you’re in a room

eyes go this way and that way and he starts bothering hyungwon for attention or picking at the lint on his sweater

when you address him, smiley and sweet, he knows his ears are on fire

and that if he makes a quick escape you might not notice

so he always has some outlandish excuse

“kihyun needs me to crack his back - he’s getting so old these days!” “i made plans to go to the market.........in busan” “ouch! i think im having a heart attack - talk to you later?”

closes his eyes and the first image in his mind is you - every time

shakes his head like a confused puppy like: stop thinking about them!

but he can’t,,,,,he’s stuck

“i don’t get it - why do i keep thinking about them?”

kihyun deadpan: “you’re in love”

changkyun: “oh i was just gonna say he’s sick, but i guess that’s the same thing.”

for some reason you’re at the gym before him and wonho debates just turning around and dipping

so he keeps going in and out of the changing room with his duffel bag and everyone is like ..........?

until you spot him and wave and boy damn near drops this heavy bag on his foot out of surprise

you show him that you’re getting stronger, flexing up your arm and wonho just can’t control himself

“you’re so cute”

“what?”

“I MEANT........the dumbbells are just getting cuter........huh............”

Kihyun

suaveness backfires on him very hard

“the weather is so hot today and so are,,,,,,,,,” “and so is?” “and ,,,,,,,,, so are ,,,,,,, these pants why’d i wear jeans in the heat hahaha i need to go”

pickup lines he can never finish and you just look at him quizzically as he tries to save face

will not admit it to anyone but practices greeting you in the mirror

gets caught by shownu who blankly watches kihyun posing in front of the mirror until it’s been fifteen minutes and shownu is like dude, get out - i need to shower

loud and confident usually, but somehow it becomes a little awkward when you’re around

voice cracks on two or three occasions

you get invited to the summer barbecue kihyun is throwing and of course he plans everything perfectly

except for the fact that this is a beach and so everyone is showing up in,,,,,,,beach attire

and when you come running down the beach toward him, kihyun drops the burger he was in the middle of flipping and nearly burns himself on the grill

and you’re like oh shit are you ok and he’s like what do you mean im dandy ,,,,, as he almost puts his hand down on the grill AGAIN

and you have to catch him and scold him for not paying attention

and he whines because “it’s hard to pay attention”

and you’re like why??? it’s easy - just don’t put your hand donw on the fire-

but he’s like no no it’s hard to pay attention because,,,,,,,because

you: because???

minhyuk strolling by munching on his watermelon: because you’re in a swimsuit and kihyun has the mind of a dog

you: wh-

OOP too late, kihyun is chasing minhyuk down the beach with his skewers

Minhyuk

won’t shut up about you

“anyway they were playing the piano with me and they were doing so well even though they said they hadn’t played in YEARS!” “i think they cut their hair a little shorter, it looks nice did you guys see it what did you think?” “oh look they have the game they were telling me about-”

it’s like he’s the daily news alert

but all the news is about you

and when he talks about you - his eyes gleam with sparkles, he almost goes into a day dreamy like trance

if hearts could start swirling around his head, they would

but when he is (rightfully so) accused of having feelings for you

he’s like

“WHAT? WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE?”

everyone: our ears hurt because you haven’t stopped talking about them once so ,,,,,, maybe ,,,,,,,, that’s the damn evidence

refuses it before jumping back into a long rant about how adorable and perfect you are

one afternoon, hyungwon decides he’s had enough, so he tells you that you should try beating minhyuk at talking

so you and minhyuk play the compliment game - spewing sweet and corny things about each other back and forth

until you inch close enough that your noses almost brush

and you go

“minhyuk, you’re so pretty far away but up close it’s even better!”

he’s so shocked, flattered, and over the moon that he stares at you speechless

and hyungwon is like “finally. silence”

you start to wrry when minhyuk is frozen for ten minutes straight and you’re like “how do i get him to function again”

hyungwon: idk. kiss him.

Jooheon

faints every time you lay a hand on him

both metaphorically and physically

like you were accidentally pushed against his chest during the bus ride home and next thing you knew he almost blacked out and hit his head on the hand pole

obliviously, you always assume it’s because he’s dehydrated or tired

minhyuk: looking into the camera like he’s on the office

gets all tingly and giggly when you touch his shoulder

makes squeaking sounds when your hand brushes against his

basically becomes a big mushy puddle of heart eyes

and mumbling incoherent sentences of affection

you: omg i think he might be having fever delusions or something

hyungwon: no,,,,,,,,,that’s definitely not it,,,,,,,,,

hates being told he should “just confess” like what the fuck do you mean “just confess” bold of you all to assume he can “JUST CONFESS”

everyone wonders what will happen when you two start dating and jooheon gets to kiss you

like will he just,,,,,,,,turn to dust? probably

you want to join the guys for lunch after their practice but the table is so cramped so you jokingly ask jooheon if “this seat is taken?” will pointing to his lap

never in your life have you seen someone flip their whole plate over to make room for yours and nod so hard you think it might snap their neck

you, embarrassed: o-oh i was just,,,,joking,,,,but,,,,um,,,if it’s ok,,,,,?

jooheon getting ready to just, turn to to jelly when you sit down:

changkyun: if he dies i get the rest of his rice

Hyungwon

hard to read expression when you’re around but sirens are going THE FUCK OFF in his head whenever you as much as smile

anything you ask him or any questions directed at him from anyone else is just answered with a “hehe,,,,yeah”

can’t formulate much of a thought outside of: holy shit they’re so cute holy shit what do i do holy shit just lean up against the wall it’s fine holy shi-

minhyuk: bro what do you wanna eat?”

hyungwon looking over his head at where you’re talking with shownu: hehe,,,,sure

minhyuk: cool hyungwon machine broken

his nervous habit is chewing on his bottom lip and you think he’s just concentrating on music or on something

but head empty. just you. that’s it.

you ask hyungwon to teach you a little about turntables and being a dj

and he’s like “oh sure” but then you stand directly in front of him, back almost against his chest as you play around with the different switches

and he like,,,,,,,seizes function

and you’re like “oo can i try these on?” pointing to the headphones around his neck

and when you reach out to take them off, he just takes a hold of your wrists and you’re like “oh? i shouldn’t touch them?”

and he’s just like hyungwon, c’mon say something cool. say something that won’t be embarrassing like hehe yeah. this is your moment!

“you can touch me anywhere”

“what?”

“............i mean hehe sure.......”

Changkyun

in capital L love with you but pretends he isn’t

crosses his arms and tries to keep a straight face when it’s obvious you’re doing something adorable and everyone else in the room is like ahhhh cute!!!

changkyun, scoffing: it isn’t even that cute...........

wonho: you shouldnt lie with the lord watching changkyun

changkyun: what

when you’re not looking, he steals glances and lowkey hates the fact that later he’ll be trying to work on something

and he’ll remember how you looked today and it’ll make him pause and just,,,,,,,kinda wish he could just walk over and talk to you

there’s really no reason he won’t just ask you out - he’s just being a big baby

you think he doesn’t really like you all that much so you get a bit anxious when asking him for a favor

but you really wanna throw a surprise party for another member so you end up asking changkyun for some help

but when you do, you accidentally hiccup in the same sentence

and you’re like oh no im a fool but

but changkyun just breaks

“how are even your hiccups cute????????”

“wh-what?”

changkyun, reaching his breaking point over a damn hiccup: “oh my god im in loooooove with you”

“wh-what??!?!?!?”

changkyun, laughing without stopping as he pulls you into his arms LOL

jooheon later on in the day: so you’re telling me you confessed to them because. they hiccuped?

changkyun: yeah. im also contacting the genius world record to ask them to put it in as the cutest hiccup to have ever been hiccuped

jooheon: ok. whipped much.

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bangtansfavwriter · 4 years

Text

💘bangtan as boyfriends: jungkook💘

-oh my god this soft boy

-still can't quite believe you guys are dating and sometimes still blushes very heavily when you kiss him

- it took ages for him to ask you out and he probably wouldn't have done it without a pep talk from seokjin who hyped him up before you and jungkook went on a date together

- he was so timid and tripped over his words a lot, so when you asked "are you saying we should start dating?" he went "oh my god yES PLS"

-he know tells everyone that you asked him out first bc "the golden maknae of bts, bangtan sonyeondan, behind the scene, world's best band tbh has to be asked out"

seokjin: makes sense, bc said golden maknae looked like he was gonna pass tf out before you two met

jk: .. hyung why you.... I asked y/n out!

seokjin: lies

you: he did... kinda

seokjin: LIES

jk: I find your lack of faith disturbing, hyung..

seokjin: nerd 😚

jk: 😔✊🏼

- a nerd indeed, but cuteee

- very loyal, it already took him long enough to call you his, so he sure af won't give you up

- also very selfless, he loves helping you out with whatever you need help with... even when you don't ask for it

- like when you had a project due and you were stressing out about it bc you had no time for anything else and stuff... he was really worried you'd skip meals to do your work, so he made sure that you'd eat by either coming to your place or calling/texting you, whenever he couldn't come over personally

-he was afraid he'd bother you while you do your work so he was always very cautious but you reassured him it's fine

-but you felt bad bc you couldn't talk much while doing your work... he looked at you and smiled: "it's ok, I'll write some lyrics maybe.. and you do you. we'll give each other strength with our presence, alright?" he started laughing when you got up and cozied up to him. you spent the next 10 mins cuddling, as this was the only reasonable thing to do after he was being so sweet. "so much for no distractions, hm?"

- you still got your work done btw, so no worries

- movie nights are a huge thing for you two, your range is broad af but mostly consists of marvel, disney and studio ghibli. he has a thing for 80s movies tho, felt ferris bueller on a personal level

- cried when he watched the princess diaries for the first time and will end u if anyone hears about it

-rather savage irl but he cries during some movies, especially when he's tired, he gets emotional and even whiny

- for example: he was very sleepy when you first watched the mandalorian together and you swear he started weeping when he first saw baby yoda and he's been obsessed ever since btw

- very thoughtful and caring

- remembers the smallest things about you, will bring you your fav ben&jerry's when you feel down and enjoys the fact that you look at him like the saint he is

- also memorizes your habits and reads your body language so well that it still surprises you even after all the time you've been dating

-you poke his cheeks on any given occasion and kiss his nose, he's not quite sure why but he enjoys it too

- his hugs are just warm ... they make you feel like everything will be ok

- many pancake mornings together

- will never ever forget any birthday or anniversary, he once did tho and he still beats himself up about it but he was busy as hell during that time so you were ok with it in hindsight (which was greatly appreciated bc he truly felt awful)

- very down-to-earth, it doesn't have to be all fancy with him, he's doing just fine with netflix and ramen

- your personal laundry fairy

- looots of laughter and giggles with this one, always cracking jokes

- you guys have like 48394 insides jokes

you: hey.. hey

jk: ?

you: second goose right left

jk: LMAOOOOO WOFT

you: LMAOOO

jk and you: -dying-

rm: this sounds like some terror code

hobi: or a stroke

- sends u memes at 3am, his go-to are kermit memes as reaction memes, he sometimes forgets to use actual words tbh

you: kook, i can't come over today, working late :( but tomorrow is fine tho, you free ?

jk: -kermit crying under the shower meme-

you: jungkook, words pls

jk: oh sorry babe, yeah im free ��

- either uses the cutest nicknames or the weirdest which are pretty cute when he explains it (like left shark "bc you stand out")

- displays of 'strong manly man' when he picks you up, and spins you around only to kiss you --- displays of 'babie boy's when pouts until you give him attention or your last pockys ("we can share, you know 👀" - "oh worm? 👀")

- a true romantic deep down, he once surprised you when he decorated your entire house with candles and flowers bc he knew you had a tough time and you legit just started crying. he was overwhelmed for a sec but knew this was just bottled up emotions and relief coming through so he just smiled and hugged you until you calmed down."it's alright, love... let me take care of you." you nodded and smiled at him, while wiping your tears away. "you're the sweetest, you know that?" - "well, obviously. but fire safety was never my forte, so let's be careful, ok?" he said and you both started laughing.

-sings to you very very often, get used to it, even when you're not right next to him you can still hear him humming from afar and it makes always makes u smile

-you two are fiercely competitive, there is no "it's just a game"... you guys play mario, sonic, rayman etc and there's always a whole lot of screaming

-there was a time namjoon jin got so fed up with this that he took the playstation away (+ mario kart) and jungkook and you had to find other gaming options

-some examples of truth or dare sessions between you (in the safety of your own home):

you: i dare you to dance to begin

jk, in his pyjamas: wha- ... no!

you: truth it is, then. what was the dumpling incident about?

jk: nevermind, I'll do the dance.

you: squeeze the ketchup bottle empty with your thighs.

jk: ?????? jesus, you take your kinks to a whole knew level. choose something else, the stains will be nasty as hell.

you: wear booty shorts👀

jk: you wants thighs and booty, huh? 👀

you: you bet 👀👀

(a blessed day for u tbh)

jk: babe, i dare you to dance to fire.

you: ?????? well, I can try, but you should get me an inhaler, my lung capacity may not suffice for this

(jungkook laughed so hard when did it that he was the one that needed an inhaler)

-takes lots and loots of pics of you when you're together and of the location you went together , posts the view on twitter sometimes and jokes about you two being official (to fans) without really being official

- you two go on walks together, have coffee shop dates, go to concerts (and go fckn feral when u go see iu), visit art galleries where you mostly imitate everything and touch things you shouldn't touch, go to karaoke places ... and you also do art together! that was actually his idea were he bought a shitload of acrylic paint and huge linen sheets and you had your first painting date, which has become a tradition ever since.

- something that jungkook absolutely loves and appreciates is that you guys never run out of topics to talk about

-the intellectual stimulation he gets from you is pretty much unmatched and that's also something that made him realise he's into you before you started dating

- 2 sides of the same coin: smart, charming and kind // absolute crackhead (remember the vid with his goggles? vids like that are now your exclusive content from yours truly)

- once chased down chickens when you visited a village together and ran away screaming when a huge ass rooster chased after him ( u filmed it ofc)

- lives for dramatics, gains new life power on Halloween when you two do shenanigans on bighit's annual party

- he loves the fact that you're still a child at heart and that you're not too stuck up to scare hobi and jin with michael myers masks on (but you did feel pretty bad about it when hobi almost fainted)

- you're super savage when you want to be and he loves it when you are... ngl... you being assertive and all kinda turns him on lmaoo

-your green card to get him to laugh whenever was saying "you sexy beast" and he'd forget whatever issue you were having before, as long as it wasn't something too important obviously

-loves you show you off, especially when you guys are all dolled up and ready for a night out "look at us being all sexy and shit, like, how dare we look this hot, jimin-hyung hates it when someone looks hotter than him" - "hmmm kook, imagine if I'd have jimin as my date today, the place would burn up" - "...." - "kook, i was joking..." - "right shark" - "I WAS JOKING BABY" - "........say it. you know the deal." - "i would rather die" - "go hang with hyung then, i'm gonna stay home" - "you...." -

👀👂 - "YOU SEXY BEAST" - jungkook laughed until he couldn't breathe when yoongi, who just passed by you two, and you stared at each other, completely mortified. you: how to unsay things... / yoongs: how to unhear things/ jk: -on the floor and in dire need of an inhaler"

- you couldn't face yoongi the whole night, whereas jungkook occasionally stared down jimin who had no clue what the heck was going on and munched on some appetizers

- jealousy is not a big thing for him but he still doesn't quite like it when someone is too touchy with you

- he trusts you, absolutely no doubt about that or he wouldn't have even entered a relationship with you, as he has high standards about who to let into his life, especially with potential lovers

-that's why everyone knew you guys were serious about each other and it was hardly surprising that you got to meet his family shortly after you guys started dating (his mother loved you btw)

-has like 200 pics of the day you met gureum

- an absolute sucker for you, you could say you want the n seoul tower to flicker in purple and pink lights and he would get it done somehow

- very sensitive to touches so ......👀

- loves your room bc he says it always smells like your lotions and laundry

- you sometimes surprise by setting the mood with some smooth music and nice fragrances and the world comes to a halt for him, it's just him and you

-shower him in affection and he's putty in your hands, legit, when he first performed euphoria and did the high note at the end you spammed tf outta your messenger and hyped him up and he actually got so hype he jumped around backstage after the concert and sprinted to you when he saw you, twirled you around and, for the first time, kissed you while the guys were there

-he still gets teased about it tho, but he doesn't really care bc your support means the world to him and he values it too much to care about the guys

-you guys went home that night and he serenaded you while you were cuddling. you guys started talking about songs, especially your favourites. you got sleepy when he started talking about 'home' and softly sang it to you, until he realised you dozed off. he smiled to himself and caressed you hair, as you had layed your head onto his chest. admiring your sleeping figure, closely entangled with his broad frame, he said to himself: "this is home..."

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contrabandhothead · 4 years

Note

hi, i love your writing and hcs sm! could i get a BoB ship please? :) i’m 5’6”, & i have brown hair and blue eyes. i love music, and i play several instruments. i also like drawing portraits and running. i’m pretty laidback, and i have a really good sense of humor once i’m comfortable w you. i have adhd, so i’m very fidgety and forgetful. i’m a thinker, and sometimes i have a hard time getting out of my head and being social, even though i like people. im also a big dog person. thanks!

Donald Malarkey

girl listen... I’m shipping you with my king right here... watch urself

in general

it just makes sense to me ya know??? i just feel like you two would click

you guys just seem to have similar things in common as well

he enjoys that you’re very laidback, as he can be quite high strung sometimes

he’s like the mother hen you never knew you had

but he’s also a big baby sometimes

if you’re a leg bouncer, he’ll never get angry at you for it, or any of your other fidgeting habits

instead, he’ll either grab your hand and hold it to make you stop, or put his hand on your thigh and squeeze it lightly

he loves your jokes, but to the point where someone would think he’s dying he’s laughing so hard

he’s very easy to get along with, so you guys pretty much never fight

Don always makes sure you never get lost in your head for too long, he gets worried

if you go on a morning run, he won’t go with you

he says it reminds him of Currahee

butttt, when you get back, he will swaddle you in blankets

you have been absorbed into his blanket burrito

you two are always writing each other little notes to remind the other of something they have to do

occasionally, you’ll find a note that just says something sweet from him

something cheesy like “you look beautiful today! i don’t even have to see you to know it.”

you guys always go on dates that you’ve never been on before

whether it’s a new restaurant, or a new activity, it’s never quite the same

you guys definitely have a dog

you have 2 actually, one that you adopted and one that Don adopted

Don lovessss when you sing or play one of your instruments

he thinks it’s the most soothing thing in the world

sometimes he’ll try and peek over your shoulder while you’re drawing, and you’ll just slap him lightly on the back of the head

he just wants to see your masterpiece

has probably modeled for a sketch of yours before probably without even knowing it

Don is.... a simp

he will never escape Penkala and Muck’s relentless teasing

they bully him the most

Tab’s almost just as bad as them, he’s a very close second

he’s not gonna stop talking about you though

so proud that you’re dating him

shows you off constantly, especially at parties and reunions

how you two got together

i picture you as a member of Easy Co. tbh

you, Don, Skip, and Penkala were all very close

you all bonded when Sobel got pissed and made everyone run Currahee

Skip had tripped over a root in the ground and had twisted his ankle

Sobel threatened anyone who helped Muck up with revoking their weekend pass

not like you would get one anyways

you and Don were the only people besides Penkala to help Skip up, regardless of the consequences

Sobel put all of you on latrine cleaning duty

you all started talking and joking while cleaning, and even you slowly began to open up over time

Don had always thought you were pretty, and he had begun to develop feelings for you since he gotten to know you better

Skip and Muck were practically begging him to just confess to you at this point

they couldn’t stand the puppy dog eyes he’d make at you all the time

Skip says that he’s “practically drooling” and that he should “just ask her out already. it’s not like she’s gonna say no.”

you had confided in Skip that you liked Don already, but Skip couldn’t say it outright because he was sworn to secrecy

so of course, this led to Skip and Penkala doing what they do best

scheming

always mentioning to Don your favorite foods, bringing you up in conversation, always making sure that you and Don were sharing the same foxhole, etc.

they were trying everything

their attempts became less aggressive after a while though

they could tell you were feeling more and more uncomfortable, and after a while, you started to pull away from Don

they’d always see you sitting the farthest away from him

you weren’t spending nearly as much time, if any, sharing the same foxhole

Skip and Alex couldn’t help but wonder if Don had fucked up

and they were convinced he did

and don’t get me wrong, they love Malark, but they also love you just as much

and they were PISSED

how did he fuck up that bad? what did he do? you were never like this

eventually, they got so mad that they confronted him about it

it was a quiet evening, and Skip, Don, and Alex were in Don’s foxhole

the conversation had somehow moved to the topic of you, and Muck just lost it

“how did you even mess up that bad? I mean, seriously, she hasn’t talked to you in DAYS, man. what is wrong with you? you go on and on and on about how much you like her, and how she’s so amazing, and then you go and fuck up so bad that she doesn’t even want to talk to you???”

Alex was just nodding his head in agreement

Don just rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, “guys... we’ve been together for 2 weeks. i already told her. we’re just distancing ourselves from each other when everyone else is around so no one gets suspicious of us, especially Dike.”

“...........”

“WHAT?”

I’m so sorry this took forever, but I’m finally back from testing! I hope you enjoyed this, have a fantastic day!

~ ky

#donald malarkey #don malarkey #don malarkey hcs #band of brothers headcanon #band of brothers #ship requests

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lostinyourparadise98 · 5 years

Text

Let You Go

a/n: I hope you all enjoy! please like and share this one is kind of long (:

“You know I will always support you but I cannot let you do this.”

I roll down the sleeves of my sweater letting the fabric swipe away the tears that pool from my eyes. Ive told myself over and over again to never let it get to this point. To never let anyone see how much I love him but its too late.

“I can't do this Brooke, its too hard.” My voice comes out as a whisper as Brooke sits beside me on the cold bathroom tile. She rests her head against the wall grabbing my hand in hers and sighing deeply.

“The wedding is tomorrow pet, you cannot just bail he is your best friend.”

Ive spent most of my life convincing myself that one day I would build up the courage to tell him the truth. That one day he would see me across the room, look into my eyes and that would be it. He would smile while walking over to me and kiss me till the world melted away. Sometimes life doesn't work out that way. So, here I am sitting on my bathroom floor with my roommate the day before the love of my life gets married, fighting with what I want to do and with what I know I have too.

“I cant even say his name without crying Brooke ” I rest my head on her shoulder.

“Im going to be honest with you okay? This i going to be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but I promise you, when you look back you won't regret it. You can't just disappear you have to take tomorrow as an opportunity to receive closure. To, to-”

“Let him go?” I finish her sentence

“Yes lovely, its time to let him go.”

The next morning

The sun shines bright today as I stand in front of the mirror. I run my hands along the side of my dress making sure everything is in place. The peach colored fabric runs a couple of inches above my feet. I don't normally wear backless but Brooke talked me into it. My hair is neatly curled falling just below my shoulders.

“Y/n! Gemma is here.” Brooke calls for me.

Taking one last look at myself I head downstairs following Brooke and Gammas laughter in the kitchen. My eyes land on Gemma she looks absolutely stunning she is practically glowing.

“Y/n look at you, oh my goodness you look amazing.” She pulls me in for a hug

“You look incredible Gem.”

“Thank you sweets. Well what do you say are you ready to go?”

no no no no no no

“Yes all set!”

“Have a good time you two. You both look beautiful ill pick you up later Y/N.” Brooke walks us to the door

We make our way to Gammas car. I have to continuously remind myself to breathe. I need to get it together.

“Hey wait.” Gemma lightly grabs my hand

“whats up did you forget something?” I ask

“Are you okay?” Her eyes are filled with compassion and love

“Of course I'm okay why would you-”

“Y/n you're my brothers best friend I have known you my entire life you don't have to pretend around me.” Holy shit she knows

“What are you talking about?” Please don't make me talk about this

“y/n, don't play with me I see you. Its the way you look at him, hell even in the way you say his name. You love him.”

“Please Gemma I can't”

“I know my love, I know. I am so sorry y/n you have no idea how much I am hurting for you, I promise you I will be here for you okay? If you need to take a breather or something is too much for you to handle just tell me and we will get through it together.”

“You shouldn't have to do that Gem its your brothers wedding day. You should be happy celebrating him not babysitting me.”

“I love my brother more than anything on this planet but that doesn't mean I have to agree with everything he does.”

“Gem Emma is perfect for Harry. She makes him over the moon happy that is all I want for him. I guess thats what makes it worse she absolutely lovely, not a bad bone in her body.”

“Don't get me wrong I adore Emma but its always been you two, always. trust me I'm not the only one who thinks so.”

“Who else knows?”

“My mum, well its basically obvious to everyone but Harry. Tell you the boy is clueless.”

“He doesn't love me Gem I have to accept it.”

“You're the strongest person I know y/n.”

The car ride to the church is spent with Gemma filling the air with small talk. I can tell she is trying to distract me bless her soul. There is nothing on this Earth that could pull me away from this pain. I should have told him why the hell did I not take a chance. What if he felt the same way, what if-

“y/n? you ready.”

It takes me a moment to realize that we have arrived to the church. I take a deep breathe and nod. I step out of the car and force myself to smile. This is going to be a very long night.

We step through the doors and I am taken back by how beautiful the church is. We are one of the first people here Anne greets us right away, hugging Gemma first then making her way to me. She immediately wraps her arms around me and whispers.

“He is looking for you I can come up with something if you're not ready to see him.” I pull away

“No, Its okay I'm ready.” Anne leads me to the back room where Harry is we both stand blankly in front of the door.

“I love you my sweet girl let know if you need anything.”

“Thank you Anne I love you too.” She gently smiles and quietly walks away

I can feel my heart fall to my throat. My hand begins to shake as I slowly lift it and begin knocking.

“Come in.” His voice causes my heart to race my mouth goes dry I slowly turn the knob and enter.

Harry stands in front of a tiny mirror adjusting his curly hair. He turns to face me and his face turns up into a bright smile. This is so hard

“Hey, there you are come in.” the sun light streaming through the window causes his skin to radiate a heavenly glow. His eyes, My God those eyes I never want them to leave mine.

“Look at you, you look so handsome ” don't cry don't cry don't cry

He walks closer to me, “Thank you petal, you know its crazy to think that you use to be taller than me.”

“Oh hush you'll shrink down by the time you're forty. You'll probably be balding by then too.”

He dramatically gasps, “Okay now you've crossed a line.” we both chuckle as he walks behind me grabbing two glasses and a bottle of champagne. He pops the Champagne open and begins pouring.

“I don’t think Ive ever been this nervous.” he hands me a glass

“You’ll be fine you have nothing to worry about.”

“I need you to know that it means the world to me that you're here. You're my best friend and I could not imagine doing this without you.”

“Of course Harry what are friends for?” He steps closer to me

“Can you promise me something?” His eyes poor into mine, it takes everything in me not to fall into his arms and confess everything. All I can do is nod as he continues.

“Promise me that we will be in each others lives forever. That we will spend holidays together and our kids will grow up and become best friends just like we did.”

“I promise.” I raise my glass to his clinking it

“Heres to forever.”

“To forever.” A forever next to a man I can never have.

The ceremony begins, I watched Harry step up to the alter messing with his fingers as he waits for his bride. A nervous habit he has never been able to break. Theres a moment when everything goes silent my eyes are glued to Harry. His eyes are wide, his smile the brightest I have ever seen. I can't stop myself from grinning along with him. He looks so happy, Emma makes her way closer to him their eyes are focused on each other. I watch him mouth the words ‘I love you’ and in that moment my heart shatters.

They exchange their vows giving the rest of their lives to one another. I sat in silence counting all the times I could have confessed. Once the ceremony ends I drive with Niall and Louis to the reception. Its nice to get pulled out of reality for awhile. Louis is the best person to go to when you need a distraction. Once we reach the reception I find my name tag and take my seat. I'm able to get through dinner and make polite conversation. The Dj announces Mr and Mrs. styles are about to have their fist dance. I couldn't sit through it, I had to excuse myself.

I tried my best to be inconspicuous as I snuck through the back. The cool summer breeze kissed my skin, the sun began to set as I listened to their song in the background. I have never felt so empty. I couldn't hold back anymore I let myself unravel I let every tear Ive ever held back fall.

I didn't realize how long I was outside till the moon began to rise. I was suddenly pulled away from my thoughts when the back door opened.

“y/n? What are you doing out here I have been looking all over for you.” I can't bring myself to face him.

“y/n? petal its freezing out here.” I feel him begin to wrap his tux around me but I pull away.

“You don't have to do that I'm okay.” he stands closer to me

“Have you been crying?”

“I’m okay its probably just the wine you know how I get.” I try my best to keep my voice calm but the lump in my throat gets bigger and bigger

“Hey, hey, hey look at me. You can talk to me y/n its me.”

“Harry please just go inside Ill be okay I promise just go back and enjoy your wedding.”

“I can't enjoy it knowing you’re out here by yourself crying. You haven't even danced with me yet.” I can't help but chuckle at his concern

“Come on please petal come dance with me I have a song picked out and everything.”

“Harry I can't, Im sorry I just can't.”

“Thats okay we can dance right here.”

“Here?”

“well you won't go inside come on come here.”

He wraps his hands around my waist and I place mine on his shoulders. We slowly sway back and fourth even though the Dj is playing a fast paced song. I can't handle looking at him so I place my head on his shoulder.

“Petal I want you to know that whatever is bothering you will get better. I will be here when you are ready to talk about it. I want you to enjoy yourself tonight I can't stand to see you sad. Emma will be heartbroken if she knew you were so upset.” And with that I lost it again, I pulled away from him.

“I have to go Harry.”

“What why?”

“I can't handle this anymore.”

“y/n please talk to me you're freaking me out.”

“Its too much I will ruin everything if I tell you.” He grabs my hands in his attempting to calm me down

“Please just talk to me I promise you aren't going to ruin anything.”

“You are the most important person in my life Harry. You have been here for me my entire life and your friendship means the world to me. I thought I could push it away, I thought I would be able to do this but its impossible because I'm in love with you. I don't expect you to do or say anything I just needed you to know. I will leave and you won't have to worry about me intruding I promise I am so sorry for ruining everything I just-”

He wraps his arms around me and pulls my body close to his chest. I slowly bring my arms around him, hugging him back. I hear him sniffle and realize he is crying. He pulls away for a moment and puts his forehead against mine

“I should have told you.” he whispers

“What?” This can't be happening

“Its always been you y/n.”

“You can't say that to me Harry this can't happen its too late.”

“I know.” Tears streaming down both of our face

“Its best for the both of us if I disappear for awhile Harry.”

“Petal please don't you're my best friend, I love you.”

“I love you too but this is too hard I can't watch you kiss her its too painful I just need some time.”

“Please don't do this.”

“Harry I have to let you go.”

“I know that you understand that I love Emma with all my heart. She makes me so happy and for a long time I was convinced I would never have that. She is my wife and I will always honor and be loyal to her. But that will never change the fact that you will always be my first. It was you from the beginning, you will aways be in my heart fucking always. Promise me you won't let this change us please.”

“I can't promise that. I just need to go away for awhile please don't be upset with me.”

He leans down and presses his lips to my forehead.

“I could never be upset with I just can't believe we have to-”

“Let each other go.” we say in unison

He let me go.

Hope you all enjoyed!!! sorry if none of it makes sense I never edit my work lol

#Harrystyles #harry styles #watermelon sugar #kiwi #fine line #lights up #one direction #harrystylesimagines #harry styles fanfic #harrystyles2019 #Niall horan #liam payne #louis tomlinson

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rogsclogs · 5 years

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Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); part 4

I’m so sorry it took me so long to post this part, I kept re writing it and was never happy with it, I’m not even sure I’m happy with how it turned out now, but it’s better than it was so that's a start! Let me know your opinions on it! Previous parts can be found under the tag ‘Some day one day’. Enjoy :)

Taglist: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeacygotmorerhythm @ladylannisterxo (if you want to be added please message me)

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It wasn't a rare sight to witness Brian running around campus like a madwoman holding a thousand different books in one hand and his daily cup of extremely bitter caffeinated beverage in the other, which he would take forever to finish it no matter how cold it got. It was his fuel and he had a very bad habit of relying on coffee to survive more than he relied on food and actual nutrients.

Then one day out of nowhere he started showing up to school holding an extra cup, pouring sugar and milk in it which was not like him at all and people wondered who in the world he could be getting that extra coffee for.

After all he’d never gotten along very well with the other professors, besides few exceptions, and his trust had gotten slimmer ever since he’d been cheated on, so he kept to himself whenever he could. He would eat lunch in his office and prepare coursework in the comfort of his apartment while his daughter played with dolls on the wooden floor, that was an ideal afternoon to him. He was rather shy and introvert although his students always brought out the ‘wilder’ and more laidback part of his soul. Still, it was unusual for him to be caring for anyone else’s caffeine needs but his own, but it sort of became an habit of his to motivate Y/N with a steaming hot cup of latte macchiato as she always performed better and he’d learned to make it just how she liked it, with two sugars and some cinnamon on top. Y/N had been staring at his cup of coffee one day, so Brian offered her a sip and then decided he would get her something from the local café each day they met from that point on, and he soon realized that he liked the idea of doing that for her, he liked the routine and he liked the look on her face when she softly thanked him for being so generous and told him that he really didn't have to. He could get used to that.

They found some sort of connection they could work with, he was so patient and soft spoken with her that it was almost impossible to let him down, and any small improvement was celebrated. They met every Monday and Friday after school and he would sometimes drive her home on Fridays because he could see how exhausted she got and didn't want her to ride the bus and fall asleep when no one would go with her.

She finally seemed to be understanding what they spoke about, and even in class her confidence had boosted, and Brian couldn't wipe that stupid lovey smile off his face because he was so proud of how hard she’d been working. Even her classmates noticed a change in her attitude, her friend Joe being one of the firsts who questioned her about it and he didn't even mind when she remained very secretive about it, all he needed to know was that she was happy.

Joe liked Y/N, very much so, and although they had been close friends since they were barely able to walk and even attended sleepovers together on multiple occasions, he’d never had a chance to let her know how he felt about her. He was also fairly scared that she would not reciprocate, he knew the eyes of love and she never wore those around him. All he truly wanted as a friend was to see her happy, even if he wasn't the main reason for her happiness, so he didn't feel right questioning her about her sudden outburst of joy that had been going on lately.

Admittedly, she was more than happy, more than words could even begin to explain and she was scared of admitting to herself where that happiness came from, because she knew very well it was like biting the forbidden fruit.

She felt on cloud nine any time Brian would fix his glasses on his nose to check her homework and then smile right after when he realized she’d gotten it all right, and when he leaned closer to her to show some calculations on a piece of paper she had to collect all her will power not to kiss him right then and there. What she didn't know was that the feeling was very much mutual, and Brian felt awful about himself when he thought about it at night.

He'd heard stories of college professors falling in love with one of their students and losing their minds for them, and he’d always considered them lowlifes, people who didn’t have their priorities straight, but now he could sort of sympathize and understand where they were coming from.

One time, while he was looking after his daughter on a lazy Sunday afternoon, he even found himself fantasizing about what Y/N would be like as a step mother, which was really morally awful of him to do, but he couldn't help that. He imagined her laid on the floor playing Barbies with Emily and making the little girl giggle out loud like she often did with him when they had a spare moment to talk about something that didn't revolve around numbers and formulas. He loved those moments, when he got to ask her about her personal interests, what fascinated her about the universe (he was pleased to find that she loved animals and nature as much as he did, she told him that the blooming season always reminded her of how powerful Mother Nature was), what made her heart sparkle with joy. He loved knowing small things about her and, although in the beginning he was wary of her and her intentions, he soon let loose and started telling her some things about himself, some of which he hadn't told a living soul in decades. He told her about that time when he broke his ankle falling from his bicycle when he was five and that time when his mom caught him sneaking out to go to his school dance at sixteen, and Y/N had laughed at his hilarious storytelling techniques (which he’d gained from reading so many bedtime stories to Emily) and everything in the world had felt right for a little while.

He was enjoying tutoring her, maybe a little more than what's considered appropriate, that's why he had a bittersweet feeling lingering on his tongue the day his class finally took the exam that would allow her to get into the degree they so badly wanted, he knew that would probably be the end of their little rendezvouses and he couldn't help but feel disappointed, no matter how immoral it was.

He would still get to see her if she passed, after all he did teach one of the most important master classes, but it would not be the same and she would probably forget about him. He was terrified of becoming just another one of her teachers, just a person she was forced to interact with when needed. Admittedly, their relationship had never been much more than that, but when they were alone he felt like maybe something bigger than that could come out of it.

Nonetheless, he was rooting for her as he handed the exam papers to his students, and he sent her an encouraging smile which she shily reciprocated.

“Alright class, this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for, you may now begin your test. Do your best and good luck”.

Brian kept an eye on her the whole time, he’d learned to read some of her facial expressions and associate them with a thought running through her mind, like how she scrunched her nose when she couldn't remember a formula or how she picked her skin while working through a problem and when she finally figured out the answer she would put her hair up in a ponytail only to set it free again once she found herself stuck on a question. She would generally play with her hair a lot.

Brian had learned to pick up on less noticeable nuances of her personality, working alongside her helped him with that but it was mostly due to how fond he was of the girl, and he thought it would be useful for him to understand how she was doing, but surprisingly she did not show any signs, at all. She was impassible and firm throughout the exam, and if she hadn’t been blinking he would have thought she was made of stone.

He didn't know how to interpret such a signal, he wasn't used to it and he was scared. Was it a bad sign? Was she struggling? He walked around the classroom a couple of times, trying to spy on her sheet and see how she was doing, but every time he stopped by she would cover up her work with her hands, and he knew he couldn't be too obvious or he would end up in trouble. although no one seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary going on, Joe definitely took notice of the way Brian would slow down as he approached Y/N’s desk and the way his eyes would linger longer than usual.

The students only had 90 minutes to complete the tasks, 90 minutes that would be essential for their future education, and Brian was concerned about the amount of pressure they were being put through, he remembered what it was like to be on their side of the class, to feel like no matter how much you work, it’s never good enough.

He feared those 90 minutes almost as much as they did, and he took a breath of relief that he didn't even know he was holding when they were over.

He watched all the 30 people he’d been working with for months hand in their papers, some looking hopeful and some just looking forward to the moment they could finally step out of the smelly room, and when Y/N finally approached him as well, he was waiting for any kind of signal from her to let him know that everything was good, but nothing came from her, so since they were the only two people left in the room, he gently held onto her forearm before she could walk out to stop her.

“Y/N, how was it? How do you think you did?” He looked softly down at her, wanting to be as careful and encouraging as he possibly could be in such a situation, but Y/N still looked impassible, almost unreachable like her mind was on a whole different planet.

“I did what I could do Mr. May” and then she left. Just like that.

Brian had to go back home to an empty house later that day, his daughter was at his mom’s place for the entire weekend and all of his friends were out of town so he would have to spend some days on his own, which usually would put him in a great mood but the last thing he needed at that moment was to be left alone with his thoughts.

He went over her words the whole night, wondering what he could have done to help her out.

He had probably been an awful teacher, he wasn't even able to make someone as bright as her succeed, judging by the tone of her voice she knew she’d done bad and it was his fault to begin with.

He was seriously questioning his worth as a teacher when he heard the phone ring that night.

It was completely unexpected, he was making himself mac and cheese although it was almost midnight because he couldn't be bothered to make himself anything earlier, and he didn't know who could be looking for him at such a late hour. His first thought went to his baby girl, maybe something had happened and his mother was trying to get a hold of him, so he rushed to the phone and picked up.

“Hello?”

No answer came from the other side of the line, only irregular breathing and static noise.

“Hello? Who is this?” He was getting fed up with the silence that met all his attempts at sparking a conversation between him and whoever thought calling him at midnight would be fun.

“Alright, I’m hanging-”

“Brian, it’s me” he would have recognized her voice between a million others, but he had to make sure it wasn't just his mind playing tricks on him.

“Y/N? Is it you? Are you okay?” He recalled giving her his number just in case she would ever need him, but he though she would have thrown it out by then, so he was pleasantly surprised to find that she had in fact saved it.

“I’m fine, I just...” He heard her hiccup and sniff from wherever she was and his heart clenched inside his chest.

“You’re clearly not fine, love, what happened?”

“I just wanted to apologize for today, but.... I did pretty terrible and I feel so fucking awful” she didn't even care about being vulgar, she had had to keep up a happy attitude with her parents when she’d come home so now she just needed to let it all out, and somehow Brian understood that.

“Y/N darling calm down, are you sure it was that bad? We worked so hard, YOU worked so hard!” He thought he could be comforting her in a way, but his words only made her sob and whimper louder.

“I know, fuck, I know! That's why I’m so disappointed in myself, my God I’m such a fucking idiot and a failure and-”

Brian couldn't stand the thought of her talking down on herself that way, so he stopped her before she could go any further.

“Y/N, babe, breathe please, everything is going to be all right, I promise”

The sound of his soft voice calling her babe was somehow enough for her to stop sobbing so loudly and to try to regain her breath. She wanted him to call her that for the rest of her life.

“Listen, I was just making myself some mac and cheese because I didn't eat earlier, do you want to come over at my place so we can talk about this in front of a cup of tea? That could make you feel better, right?” He let out the words before he could really think them through, and he hoped she wouldn't take them the wrong way and think he wanted to get his way with her or anything. After a couple of seconds of silence during which Brian questioned all his life choices at once, she finally spoke again.

“I grabbed a pen and paper, what's the address?”

#Brian May #Brian May x reader #queen fandom #queen x reader #queen fic #fanfiction #some day one day #fanfic #writeblr

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leecherish · 5 years

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on this sunday, 14th of july, 2019, i have finally beaten Morrowind

cringey rambling incoming but tl;dr i have finally beaten my fave game and im too damn emotional

i first played Morrowind… god knows when. probably in 2009-2010? probably about 10 years ago. i was 10 years old. i had the habit of watching one of my older brothers play video games. my older brother was into strategic games - i tried to watch him too, but I would always get quickly bored of it. but my younger-older brother would play GTA, Portal 1-2, Thief, Heroes of Might and Magic (okay that’s a strategic game too), and most importantly, the elder scrolls games. my memory is blurry but i think the first game - as in the first game of all time i’ve ever watched him play was Morrowind. he was playing as a breton mage named Avila, and i was fascinated by every moment of it. one day when i watched him defeating dagoth ur and finishing the game, i ran into my room, almost shedding emotional tears because i was so happy for him, drew his character, and wrote a poem about how she is the savior of the whole world. (i sadly can’t find the poem anymore, but dm me if you want to see that drawing, it is truly a masterpiece lol) later i asked him to get the game on mom’s computer too, so i could play it myself.

at first, and actually for a long time, i was scared and confused while playing the game. having to enter buildings, caves and dungeons gave me great anxiety, for there were monsters and other hostiles lurking from every corner, and i was pretty bad at the game. but i was thoroughly fascinated and captivated by the environment, the music, and the wide array of sidequests to take. my first character was a breton mage - i mimicked my brother in almost every way i could - named Morwena, a name i stole from a book series i was really into during those times. i spent hours and hours playing the game, while i actually did nothing but walk around, look at the environment, explore the world, and take screenshots of my character and other silly, meaningless things.

RPG-s were always my favorite because of how immersive they were, and Morrowind was everything ive ever wanted. journeying through the green fields around Balmora during sunrise while Jeremy Soule’s melodies were mixing with the call of the silt striders was an experience that i’ll never forget. Morrowind was my biggest escapism from the real world (especially around 2012-13), i was counting down every week, waiting for friday to come - that is when I could use the computer. the natural, earthy colors, the music, and everything else about the environment has influenced my current aesthetics in every way possible. Morrowind is what I subconsciously keep looking for in every video game I play. Morrowind is what I think of when I hear the word “home”. Morrowind was my first love when it came to video games, and it is one that stuck around. Yet, i never managed to finish the main quest - untill now. but why did it take so long?

cuz i was bad at the game lol. Morwena’s custom class made her a glass cannon - as soon i ran out of mana, i was fucked. in about 2014-2015 i have picked up the game again, and made a new character named Kirisa (hello my old internet nickname, anyone around here), an altmer. she was supposed to be a battlemage and a thief… kinda character (custom class again), but she was pretty weak too. i managed to climb the thieves’ guild’s ranks with her at least.

after her i’ve decided a more aggro character might do better than these magic-sneak-focused ones, and made my third character - Svetlania, a nord warrior. I think i’ve only played about an hour with her before getting bored by the playstyle… yeah.

late 2017-early 2018 came, and i’ve decided that it’s time that I finally beat this game that i keep calling my favorite, and made my fourth character - Nemalyn, a dunmer battlemage. i read a few guides online before custom-creating her class, and set off to complete the main quest, while finally facing my still-persisting fear about caves and buildings filled with enemies. time has passed, and i was actually progressing with the game pretty steadily! i have ran into some difficulties, took quite a few breaks, but in overall, i was overwhelmed by the complexity and genius of the story. it was a rather simple one actually, but i was captivated yet again, 10 years later.

after hours and hours of excitement, wonder, anxiety, stress, sad and happy tears, i have finally beaten the final boss, dagoth ur myself, fulfilling my own prophecy, and i can say that now i am just as emotional, if not more emotional than when my brother beat the game 10 years ago.

#personal #trash queen chronicles #new national holiday? new national holiday #thank you if you have read this all #it means a lot to me dfgdgh

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poppy-metal · 6 years

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There is going to be a lot of triggering things up ahead, dealing with rape, suicide, abusive relationships, and the like. So if you can't handle hearing about that stuff it's okay. Take care of yourself.

I just need to tell my story right now, because it's the last time I might be able to tell it. I've kept it inside for so long but I need to let it out.

I don't remember a time where I wasn't full of anxiety. Ever. My parents weren't in the healthiest relationship and fought all the time. My mom was okay, if a bit immature and wild at times. But I loved her, and she used to love me. My dad was a different story. I can't ever remember feeling safe around him. Not once. He was, is, bipolar and would scream at me and hit me and lock me in my room over the smallest infractions, like, missing a spot when I cleaned the dishes, or not wanting to play outside. He also touched me sexually (': every night he'd come into my room to say 'good night' and spoon me and touch my body and just kiss my neck and squeeze my chest and touch between my legs. Every night I dreaded bed time. Every night I just layed there and let him do what he wanted and said nothing. I don't think I knew what it meant, I just knew how scared and uncomfortable it made me. My mom never knew, she still doesn't. No one does. This happened for as long as I can remember, from when I was like 5 (that's as far back as my memories go) to when I was 13. I developed a nervous tick from the stress of worrying when I was next going to be hit or touched, and got made fun of in school for that, because my hands would shake.

My mom and dad got a divorce then and my mom moved to Florida and I begged her to take me with her. I couldn't be the only female in that house with my dad. I couldn't. She did and I was happy for a bit (': my grandparents and the rest of my family live in Florida and it was nice. I lived with my mom for awhile, 3 years, from 13 to 15/16. And at the beginning it was okay, like I said before, I loved my mom. She was cool and fun and I just wanted to impress her all the time. I just wanted her to notice me. I just wanted to be fun and free like she was. She started making friends that weren't good people, drug addicts and convicts and homeless people. There would be up to 10 random people in our house at a time and at first, even though it was weird and made me uncomfortable, I tried to be cool with it. Then stuff started getting bad. The men (bc it was all guys) started noticing me more and more and started making comments on how pretty I was, how much I looked like my mom. One in particular, being my mom's boyfriend, noticed me the most. Whenever my mom wasn't in the same room he'd be at my side, wanting to know how I was doing and letting me know how 'sexy' I was. I started locking my door at night (a habit I still have now, I need to lock doors) and had trouble sleeping due to the sounds of people getting wasted and partying all night long. I started falling behind in school. One day someone in my class started a rumor that I was into witchcraft bc I wore all black all the time and didn't speak. (': no one talked to me or tried to. I went home that day and cried, and got mad at my mom and told her she needed to get her shit together bc how she was living wasn't healthy. She called me a loser and said I was just jealous of the attention she got and that I had no life and her boyfriend (Kyle) was there the whole time just watching me, so I went to my room and cried my eyes out. I forgot to lock the door that night and it was the worst mistake of my life.

TW GRAPHIC DETAIL OF RAPE: he came in that night and I was under the covers still silently crying and he just slid under them next to me, just like my dad used to, and I just. Froze. I just froze because that's what I do when I panic, and he pulled me to him and touched me all over and moaned so loud, and kept telling me how fucking hot I was and how I'd teased him for so long by wearing shorts and baggy shirts around the house. He fingered me and I'll never forget how sweaty his hands were and how dry I was and how much it hurt. I'll never forget feeling his hot body and the alcohol and weed on his breathe when he pressed me down and raped me. It's awful how the whole time I wasn't even panicking anymore. Because in that moment it clicked for me. I didn't matter. Im a waste of space. I'm nothing. I just stared at my dresser the whole time and thought about nothing. I've never felt more blank and empty then in that moment. He finished, not inside, but on my sheets, and left just as quietly as he had come. And I just. Stopped. I stopped feeling. I stopped everything. I was 15. I stopped waking up early in the morning to go to school. My mom didn't even notice I'd stayed home most days. I'd just lay in bed and sleep all day. I cut myself in the shower. I didn't eat. I got touched and felt up a few more times after that, 2 by Kyle and 1 by someone else. I didn't care, I just detached myself. I probably would have died soon, but my school noticed I hadn't been attending classes for months and contacted my grandparents bc my mom wouldn't answer. I got taken out of my mom's home and moved in with my grandparents for that reason. My mom didn't care. Kyle said he'd miss me.

I don't know when but I got my emotions back slowly. My grandparents bought me a phone and a computer and that's when I discovered online. It helped so much. It really did. I met nice people. I met my best friend. I met my first ex. (': he was my first love and at this time, I still didn't know what being treated with respect was like. He took advantage of that. He abused me mentally daily, and told me I was worthless and that there were much better options around and that I was weak for letting myself be raped and doing nothing. I don't know why I loved him. We accept the love we think we deserve so. He ended up cheating on me and telling me it was my fault. The worst part is I still kept in contact with him and every now and then we'd talk (when he was single and needed some side ass) and he'd be mock sweet and tell me I was important only to get nudes from me and then ditch me again the second his main goal came back. Inadequacy hello 😎 this happened from when I was about 17/18.

I then went through what I thought was a positive time in my life. I met my other ex and he seemed so good. He seemed to love me, he seemed to want me. And for a year I was happy. And then he too, cheated on me 😎 in the word possible way, by force. And now that I look back on it there were a lot of ways he wasn't good. He ignored me a lot and invalidated me whenever there was an argument.

So at this point I've decided I'm worth about shit, right? A dad who cares about me a little to much, a mom who doesn't at all anymore e except when she needs money. Two boyfriends who found better options and who lied and cheated and abused me.

Wrong. Because I started my tumblr and made alot of online friends. Friends who I adore and love and have feelings for. Friends who seem to love me back. And I thought that was enough but 😎

There is now a family friend who has taken to noticing me too much, to touching me when he has the chance. He's been getting close and closer for the past year. My dad sent me a letter on my birthday telling me he can't wait to see me when he gets out, how much he thinks I've probably grown so much prettier then he remembers, how much he can't wait to hold me again. I got felt up at the grocery store the other day. My mom and her boyfriend visited and Kyle picked me up and copped a feel and he still smelled like alcohol and weed just like always.

That family friend touched me again today. Worse then that he called me pretty and when we were alone he sat next to me on the couch and put his hand on my leg and let it travel up, and up. And I did nothing. I did nothing.

I am nothing. Everyone needs who reads this now knows why. I don't have worth. I don't have value. It's all been taken. I don't have anything left to give anyone. I want to fall in love, I have already, with someone, I think. They've shown me so much kindness and I've opened up to them and they've seen sides of me no one has and they deserve so much but I'm nothing and I can't give anything. I'm not worth them, I'm not and I'll never be. I'm not worth anyone. I am dirt, I am scum, I am a husk of a person. I'm not sexy or beautiful or special or fragile or lovely. I am tainted and bruised and so, so ugly. I'll never be worth love and happiness. Never.

By the time you finish this post I will have downed as many pills as I possibly can. I'm to much of a coward to cut anymore. I dont even know if ill die or not. I just need to sleep and not think about how worthless I am for awhile. I'm sorry. I've already been letting myself waste away by not eating.

I am not worth being loved or treasured. I'm not worth having love. I'm not worth having a boyfriend or girlfriend that love me. I'm not.

#poppy speaks #tw:suicide #tw:rape #tw: abuse

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in-one-sockk · 5 years

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1-150 for the asks :3🦋

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? - @when-youcant-sleepat-night2. Are you outgoing or shy? - im bipolar3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? - my pretty girlfriend on my birthday4. Are you easy to get along with? - I don’t know, find out5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? - begrudgingly, she hates vomit6. What kind of people are you attracted to? - butches with nice arms7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? - definitely, we’re at six months!8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? - Frank Iero9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? - not at all10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? - the moon11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? - “meanie”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? - Make it Right - BTS, Summertime - MCR, bellyache - Billie Eilish, Dilbar - Neka Kakkar, This Is Home - Cavetown

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? - NO I have curly hair and if you touch it or interfere with it it looks like I’ve been dragged through a bush by my ankles14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? - I believe in good and bad karma15. What good thing happened this summer? - I met my girlfriend16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - yes17. Do you think there is life on other planets? - I think it’d be pretty egotistical to not18. Do you still talk to your first crush? - nahh19. Do you like bubble baths? - I like them, for like five minutes because I need to wash my hair and they get in the way20. Do you like your neighbors? - my neighbours are scared of sunlight21. What are you bad habits? - pulling away because I think I’m a burden22. Where would you like to travel? - Norway, Japan, places with blue seas and flowers23. Do you have trust issues? - I have a narcissistic mother, so yahh24. Favorite part of your daily routine? - getting into bed25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? - my shoulders, they’re broad26. What do you do when you wake up? - die inside 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? - neither, I don’t really think about it28. Who are you most comfortable around? - my girlfriend 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? - a lot of them, but for manipulative reasons30. Do you ever want to get married? only to @when-youcant-sleepat-night31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? - yeah but not a cute one32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? - Brie Larson (short hair) and Erika Linder 33. Spell your name with your chin - nopee34. Do you play sports? What sports? - I used to be a swimmer, and I did trampolining and high jump, but I haven’t done sports in a while35. Would you rather live without TV or music? - TV36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? - nope, I’m quite blunt37. What do you say during awkward silences? - I’m usually the awkward silent one, unless I’m high energy38. Describe your dream girl? - can cook, nice hands, sweet laugh, fairly tall, short hair, strong, patient, likes cuddles, understanding, pretty masculine energied39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? - ASOS Marketplace, thrift shops, Pull&Bear, Urban Outfitters, Run & Fly, Etsy40. What do you want to do after high school? - get married, have kids, be a housewife with a greenhouse and a vegetable garden. Can I do that? Nope. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? - No, but context. If your partner hits you do they deserve a second chance? No. But you gotta let people learn and grow from their mistakes?42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? - I want attention, I’m sad, scared, suicidal, tired, confused, embarrassed. So really a lot43. Do you smile at strangers? - If I like their energy44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? - I love both of these things but am also terRIFIED of both these things45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? - a better day might come 46. What are you paranoid about? - money and not having enough47. Have you ever been high? - yeahh48. Have you ever been drunk? - too much49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? - yeah but obviously I’m not gonna tell you50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? - Green, my favourite51. Ever wished you were someone else? - a lot of the time52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? - I’d like to have a skill?hobby I could turn into a career I’d enjoy53. Favourite makeup brand? - I dont really have one, but I’ve used the exact same Rimmel London eyeliner since I was 1154. Favourite store? - Etsy55. Favourite blog? - @malnedott has a lot of cute aesthetics56. Favourite colour? - forest green57. Favourite food? - chilli with lots of sour cream (I dont like spicy food)58. Last thing you ate? - a jelly baby59. First thing you ate this morning? - a jelly baby60. Ever won a competition? For what? - I won a competition last month on “who can use the most words beginning with V and create a story that makes sense” 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? - I skipped school for a while when I was depressed62. Been arrested? For what? - nopee63. Ever been in love? - I’m very in love right now64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? - I actually can’t remember it..65. Are you hungry right now? - very, but I’m lazy66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? - I have no tumblr friends, no one talks to me67. Facebook or Twitter? - neither68. Twitter or Tumblr? - Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? - nope, I’m on Skype70. Names of your bestfriends? - Non, Maya, Calli (my cat)71. Craving something? What? - a cuddle72. What colour are your towels? - I don’t actually own any72. How many pillows do you sleep with? - two!73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? - a stuffed unicorn and a blanket my girlfriend gave me74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? - seven?75. Favourite animal? - penguin76. What colour is your underwear? - I’m not wearing any 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? - chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? - sherbet!79. What colour shirt are you wearing? - brown ish red??80. What colour pants? - grey with batman logos81. Favourite tv show? - currently Killing Eve82. Favourite movie? - Mamma Mia 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? - we don’t talk about the sequel..84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls (I’ve never seen the other one)85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? - Glenn Coco86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? - The stingray bus87. First person you talked to today? - @when-youcant-sleepat-night88. Last person you talked to today? - my little sister89. Name a person you hate? - Gauge…. my old supervisor at work90. Name a person you love? - my little sister91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? - Eden (my sisters ex who left her suicidal)92. In a fight with someone? - sort of.. a non-resolved ignoring of each other and93. How many sweatpants do you have? - one I think94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? - 495. Last movie you watched? - Jennifer’s Body96. Favourite actress? - Jodie Comer97. Favourite actor? - Rami Malek98. Do you tan a lot? - never99. Have any pets? - two cats and one spawn of satan with a cat face100. How are you feeling? - kinda empty rn101. Do you type fast? - when I’m high energy, but am I skilled at it? nope102. Do you regret anything from your past? - dating that teacher that one time103. Can you spell well? - awkwardly, I can spell complicated words really well, but basic words where multiple of the same letters are next to each other are evil, like, I always think there’s two F’s in professor or one D in address 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? - my old best friend I guess sometimes 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? - no but I’d love to!106. Ever broken someone’s heart? - my mothers maybe107. Have you ever been on a horse? - yes and they’re evil creatures108. What should you be doing? - homework109. Is something irritating you right now? - having to go cook110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? - yes, my girlfriend before we got together111. Do you have trust issues? - isnt this repeated?112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? - my girlfriend113. What was your childhood nickname? - Fifi Forget me not114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? - yes!115. Do you play the Wii? - yes, and hugely beat @when-youcant-sleepat-night at Mario Karts116. Are you listening to music right now? - my sister’s bath music from the next room117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? - I’ve never had it 118. Do you like Chinese food? - not really119. Favourite book? - The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier120. Are you afraid of the dark? - yes..121. Are you mean? - sometimes 122. Is cheating ever okay? - NEVER, especially when you’re Russian and pretend you’re a nice person and constantly talk about how cheating is never okay desPITE doing it to every girlfriend you’ve had123. Can you keep white shoes clean? - no, my converse are basically grey124. Do you believe in love at first sight? - i dont know125. Do you believe in true love? - thoroughly126. Are you currently bored? - a little127. What makes you happy? - flowers128. Would you change your name? - yes, for varying reasons. I dont like mine much, and to hide from some bad people129. What your zodiac sign? - gemini130. Do you like subway? - the food? not really131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? - bluntly make it clear I’m gay132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? - I think this is repeated too133. Favourite lyrics right now? - “I wanna build a place in you, where I can be made new”134. Can you count to one million? - probably not135. Dumbest lie you ever told? - “Of course I know what I’m doing”136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? - my bedroom door closed, wardrobe open137. How tall are you? - 176cm138. Curly or Straight hair? - I have curly hair, but straight hair requires a lot less effort and upkeep139. Brunette or Blonde? - ginger140. Summer or Winter? - autumn141. Night or Day? - night142. Favourite month? - August143. Are you a vegetarian? - no, but I can’t be in my current living situation144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? - none145. Tea or Coffee? - tea, black and cold146. Was today a good day? - no, all the customers decided to buy huge amounts as the store closed. If you do this, you are the worst kind of person and yes, we all thoroughly hate you147. Mars or Snickers? - neither148. What’s your favourite quote? - “They tell you to do your own thing but they don’t mean it. They don’t want you to do your thing, not unless it happens to be their thing, too.”149. Do you believe in ghosts? - no but I believe in bad energies150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? - Lateness fucking noticed, loser bitch

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idedicatethisblogtodestiel · 5 years

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150 for the hella cute questions?

Who was the last person you held hands with?2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy man i hate people3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

JOJO SIWA4. Are you easy to get along with?

depends. im noice but i choose not to hang with people? if that makes sense5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

no one lmao6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

anyone thats not me but also democrat 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

nah8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

ryan my friend9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Y E P10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probably my sister11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

me too lmao 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

idk i dont listen to new songs?????? AAAAAAH

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes unless but not if its in my face14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

LMAO LUCK IS REAL HOW DO YOU THINK DUMB PEOPLE GET FAMOUS?15. What good thing happened this summer?

i dont remember 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

lmao no fuck them17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

UH YEAH...OBVIOUS18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

idek who it was19. Do you like bubble baths?

yes but they are bad for you vag so i dont do it20. Do you like your neighbors?

ew no. 21. What are you bad habits?

i have OCD so i guess my compulsions22. Where would you like to travel?

israel, UK, Poland, Canada, Austrailia23. Do you have trust issues?

YUP24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

coffee25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

stomach then boobs then arms and then pretty much everything else26. What do you do when you wake up?

eat breakfast while watching youtube

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

im ok with it now?28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my parents/siblings29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

yeah lmao30. Do you ever want to get married?

that’s gonna be a no from me dog31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

ya32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

team free will, chris’ (evans, pratt, pine)33. Spell your name with your chin.

no.34. Do you play sports? What sports?

i used to play volleyball 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

music. WATCH MUSIC ON THE TV.36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

all the damn time.37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothing.38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKO....

black curly hair, pun and meme connoisseur, loves dogs, loves horror movies

my aesthetic boy type is: people who look like kurtis conner basically39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

American Eagle, Bath and Body Works, Victoria Secret. But i go into forever 21 to just hate on everything then leave without buying stuff.40. What do you want to do after high school?

im in college now and im majoring in anthropology41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends on the severity of the sin/crime42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im seriously traumatized and have shut down.43. Do you smile at strangers?

yeah i feel bad if i dont 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outerspace45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

the fact it costs money to live so i have to get up if i want money46. What are you paranoid about?

nothing much anymore I have meds for paranoia now47. Have you ever been high?

no i got asthma48. Have you ever been drunk?

yeah its fun49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

no im an average person i dont do weird things50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

green!51. Ever wished you were someone else?

YEAH WTF DOESNT EVERYONE?52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

how i look53. Favourite makeup brand?

tarte or benfit54. Favourite store?

starbucks55. Favourite blog?

animatedtext56. Favourite colour?

GREEEEEEN I ONLY WEAR GREEN AND BLACK57. Favourite food?

sushi 58. Last thing you ate?

ice cream59. First thing you ate this morning?

i think cereal60. Ever won a competition? For what?

volleyball and county art contest61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

i got expelled for not wearing sleeves when i had self harm scars62. Been arrested? For what?

no63. Ever been in love?

ya :/64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

too long but it wasnt awkward and it was on the harbor with an emo guy65. Are you hungry right now?

nah im constipated66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i dont have tumblr friends :////////////67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter 68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now?

no youtube70. Names of your bestfriends?

Abbey Mell Nikki71. Craving something? What?

to shit tbh72. What colour are your towels?

white and purple and blue72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

373. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

embarassing but ya74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

idk i have several stored so im guessing 40-45?75. Favourite animal?

piggies raccoons dogs 76. What colour is your underwear?

white and black77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

cinnamon, blueberry, bubblegum, chocolate covered strawberries, oreo79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

green80. What colour pants?

black81. Favourite tv show?

S U P E R N A T U R A L

82. Favourite movie?

lots final destination and heathers83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

karen smith86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dont like finding nemo so idk87. First person you talked to today?

my parents88. Last person you talked to today?

my parents SORRY IM LAME89. Name a person you hate?

trump, rosie, loren, danielle, jacob, pence, so many more90. Name a person you love?

my dog remington91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

always92. In a fight with someone?

no93. How many sweatpants do you have?

394. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

10????95. Last movie you watched?

greta- not very good96. Favourite actress?

winon ryder97. Favourite actor?

all the chris’ and all of supernatural actors change my fucking mind.98. Do you tan a lot?

never99. Have any pets?

1 dog100. How are you feeling?

sad :/101. Do you type fast?

yep102. Do you regret anything from your past?

MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE103. Can you spell well?

???? like grammar or spell the word well104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

always105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

no ive never been invited anywhere i was bullied a lot106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah felt really bad, i rejected someone’s homecoming invite107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah as a baby108. What should you be doing?

homework109. Is something irritating you right now?

everything110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

have you seen my account?111. Do you have trust issues?

yup112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my parents113. What was your childhood nickname?

mosh, moshi, mashalala114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yep to oregon washington hawaii and colorado and poland and germany115. Do you play the Wii?

used to116. Are you listening to music right now?

no117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

ye118. Do you like Chinese food?

YE119. Favourite book?

probably beastly i read that so many times and how to ruin your boyfriends reputations120. Are you afraid of the dark?

nah121. Are you mean?

idk122. Is cheating ever okay?

I’d say no123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

NOPE124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

haha no.125. Do you believe in true love?

doubt it but it’s possible126. Are you currently bored?

no127. What makes you happy?

S U P E R N A T U R A L

128. Would you change your name?

probably 129. What your zodiac sign?

gemini130. Do you like subway?

it’s aight131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

i wouldnt date a friend132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

sister133. Favourite lyrics right now?

hey hey mama just the way you move gonna make you sweat gon make you move134. Can you count to one million?

i refuse135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i cant my blood hurts136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed137. How tall are you?

5′7″-5′8″138. Curly or Straight hair?

wavy139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette orange140. Summer or Winter?

summer141. Night or Day?

night142. Favourite month?

october143. Are you a vegetarian?

no144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark145. Tea or Coffee?

both!146. Was today a good day?

it’s aigh147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers148. What’s your favourite quote?

“they may forget what you did or what you said but never how you made them feel”149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yup150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

im too lazy(via itsgracesdrunkmametown)

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icharchivist · 6 years

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perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

#ichapersonal

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kmbtob-monthly · 6 years

Text

July 2018 Story # 1 : Beautiful Melody

Title: Beautiful Melody

Author: Mika

Summary: Hyunsik met Melody in probably one of the most cliché way. Now seeing her walk down the aisle made him remember their moments and a lot of beautiful things about her.

---

As far as my eyes can see, faces of people I knew almost half of my life were there. All of them anticipated with glee for her to come through the doors of the chapel. And I was not an exception. As a matter of fact, I think I felt different kinds of emotions all at once that time.

When she appeared at the entrance, my heart raced at an increasing rate. To say that she is beautiful was an understatement.

She held a bouquet of pink and white peonies. I remember her saying that it’s her favorite for it embodies romance, prosperity and a happy marriage.

The moment our eyes met, I felt nostalgic. I can still remember in detail the day when I first saw her.

I met her in spring...

The moment when I first met you

It's still very clear

The moment you hugged me

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" A voice bellowed from behind. I turned around and saw a speeding bike a few meters away from where I was standing.

The girl riding it seemed to have lost control of the bike as I saw her hand was continuously pressing the brake handle and still, it was not stopping. The downward slope of the road made the situation even worse.

"You might get hurt! Stay away!" She warned me again. But instead of avoiding her, I put down my guitar and readied myself to catch her. I don’t know exactly how I will do that but I can’t just let her go into a bigger trouble.

She hit an uneven part of the road, causing her to separate from the bike. The impact sent her flying.

“AAAAAAH!”

Everything happened so fast. I caught her with my arms and we stumbled on the ground where fallen cherry blossom petals were scattered.

“Are you okay?” I asked when I felt her grip on me loosened. She lifted her head, frightened eyes stare into mine. My face were inches away from hers and my breath hitched at the sight of her up close.

She’s pretty.

She pulled away from my embrace, I forgot that I was still holding her. “Y-yes, thank you.” she answered when we both stood up and shook the dirt off our clothes “How about you?” she asked full of concern.

I nodded then smiled and I saw her sigh in relief. We decided to check her bicycle that fell on the pavement. It was a good thing that no one was near us when the accident happened, so no one got hurt.

“The brake cable snapped off, that’s why it didn’t stop when you pulled the handle” I explained to her when I saw the cause. I can tell that she has been using it for a long time now. The color already faded, fenders were dented and the chain is rusty. “It’s not safe riding this, you must get it fixed.”

She said she was about to go home from the convenience store and forgot to check if the brakes were working. We were going the same direction so I picked up my guitar and walked with her, I learnt that they just moved in their new house a few days ago and she also transferred to the school where I go to. She pointed at a house a couple of steps from us. “That one is ours.”

And I pointed at one, two doors away from hers saying that it is where I live. We walked a little more and halted in front of her house “Thanks again for saving me, I’ll get my bike fixed.” her lips curved upward.

“No problem. You should, and always remember to check the brakes before riding it.” I said, adjusting my glasses.

“Yes, sir.” She jokingly saluted and we laughed “I’ll go in now.”

I nodded and waited for her to go inside but I just remembered something.

“Hey uh- I forgot to ask” she turned back to me “What’s your name?”

She smiled a toothy grin and I thought that was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen all day.

“Melody” she said “My name is Melody.”

Wow. Even her name is pretty.

“I’m Hyunsik.” Giving the same smile, I stated “Welcome to the neighborhood, Melody”.

And to cut a long story short, we became friends. We became comfortable around each other for we meet and talk everyday, whether in school or while going home.

In school, we also share the same circle of friends and teasing us became their habit. Melody and I will just shake our heads and laugh it off.

I know the whole world become brighter

I felt it was different from yesterday

Oh because of you everything has changed

“Is that a new song you are writing?”

I was too focused on what I was doing that I didn’t notice her sit next to me. We were under a tree nearest to the school building.

“Mm- yeah. It’s only halfway done.” I said still scribbling on the notebook.

“Can I hear a little bit of it?” I felt her move closer as she slightly pleaded “Just a teeny tiny bit?”

She knows that I won’t let her hear the song until it’s finished but her puppy dog eyes never fail to make me say yes.

She always wins.

“Okay okay, I’ll sing a bit” I surrendered.

“Yay!” Melody clasped her hands and I started to sing the chorus. She put her hands under her chin and leaned.

Just wait, I will fly high just like you Higher than the countless twinkling stars above you Just wait, I will always be by your side I’ll be your star that shines brighter than anyone else

She listened intently as I sing until the last line. When I finished, she clapped and her eyes twinkled with delight. “Woah Mr. Im Hyunsik! The song is soooo good and your voice is amazing as always.” She sincerely said “What’s the song called?”

“I haven’t decided on it yet.”

She was silent for a moment before saying “Star. How about ‘star’ for the title?”

I nodded in agreement “Star it is then.”

The next minute, we heard meowing sounds and she followed it to see where it came from. It led her to a bush. “Hyunsik, come and look at this” she called to me.

It’s a mother cat with three kittens, their colors were a mix of black, gray and white. Melody scooted down and carefully patted them “I bet you’re hungry, it’s almost lunch time” she talked to them. I watched her get a canned tuna from her bag. She opened it and fed the tuna to the kittens and their mother.

Melody has this soft spot for animals, especially for cats, albeit she can’t keep one because of pet allergy. She always carry cat/dog food or canned fish so that whenever she met stray cats or dogs, she’ll never think twice to entertain and feed them. Also, she always find time to volunteer in animal shelters.

“Imagine you are alone in the street, you have nowhere to go to, nothing to eat, and no one is there to take care of you. It’s sad right?” she said to me once. “If only people will just care more about these kinds of things then the world would have been a better place.”

If you’d ask me what is the most beautiful thing about her and I only need to pick one, I’d say it is her heart.

“They’re so cute, don’t you think so?” she looked up to me with happy eyes and she giggled. I heard her humming to the song I sang earlier.

At that moment, I noticed something different about her. But what is it?

Did she change her hair color?

Did she put make-up on?

Why does she look extra pretty today?

I might be over-reacting but I thought she was glowing.

It was the first time that I felt something different too.

When I close my eyes, I see you again

In my head, I only think of you

I somehow, only for today

I want to say it to you

Her eyes.

Her smile.

Her laugh.

My mind kept replaying scenes on the things that she does or the things she likes to do like when she likes something so much she’ll say “this is soooo good” for not less than 5 times or how she ties up her hair in a bun when she will do something that needs her full concentration or how she fiddles with her watch when she’s nervous or the way she sketches when she’s in a good mood and when she has nothing to do. Those little things I noticed whenever I secretly look at her.

I kept thinking about her. Not a day passed without me wanting to see her, wanting to hear her stories and her hearty laugh.

I wanted to confess that I like her but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it.

Prom came, Melody and I each had our own dates but that night, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. She wore a simple maroon chiffon dress, light make-up and her hair had curls on the ends. Melody’s beauty radiates without her putting on too much effort.

I saw that she was genuinely happy....happily dancing with her date.

He is a transferee like her and he came from the US. The guy is her crush she often talks to me about. I silently hope that at some time, she’ll notice that I don’t really like that topic.

More days gone by and the feelings I have for her grew. My eating and sleeping habits were a mess. I keep spacing out and one day my brother snapped me out of it “You could just tell her, you know. What are you so afraid of?”

“What?” I just went back to my senses, we were taking a break from playing a video game and he just said that out of the blue.

“Melody. You like her, right?” He leaned back on the couch.

“I just couldn’t say it to her, hyung. I feel like I’ll ruin the friendship we have.” I hugged the cushion and buried my face.

“You should, Hyunsik. Either she feels the same way or not, that friendship will never be gone if it’s true.” He stood up and said “Besides, you’ll never really know what she feels about you if you don’t tell her. Worst case is, what if someone confesses before you do?” hyung left me and went to the kitchen.

As if on cue, my phone lit up and a text message came in.

From: 🎶

I ran some errands a while ago and decided to get the tickets since I’m near the cinema. Don’t forget later okay? See ya sikkie~

Oh right, we were supposed to watch The Incredibles 2 tonight. She kept telling me that she wants to watch it with me since the first Incredibles movie were both our fave movie of all time.

And then I remembered what my brother said.

I need to confess now.

8:30 p.m.

The movie won’t start ‘till 9 and here I am outside the movie place thinking of how I will bring it up to Melody.

I can do this, I repeated over and over.

I went inside and my eyes found her immediately. She wore a sky blue top and denim pants and was sitting at a table near the arcade.

I sneak up behind her and covered her eyes with my hands “Guess who~” I said in a higher pitch-female tone voice and I can’t help but giggle with what I was doing.

“You need to practice more, Im Hyunsik.” She confidently said.

“I’m not. You are wrong.” I said in the same tone.

She burst out laughing “Hyunsik! Stop with the voice already.”

I removed my hands and sat across her. “I know you too well to not recognize that it’s you.” She chuckled and rested her hand under her chin.

She did that twinkling eyes again I can’t help but stare at her. She was telling me something but I was not paying attention. I want to tell it to her. It’s now or never.

“Hey, are you still listening to me?” she tapped my hand that was on the table.

“Melody” I switched our hands and put mine on top of hers.

Her expression changed to a serious one “Hyunsik, is there something wrong?”

I pursed my lips and shook my head “No. There’s… there’s something I want to tell you.” my heart was beating so fast I think it’s going to explode.

It was a weekend so many people came to watch a movie but suddenly, all I can see is her.

She’s looking at me, her eyes telling me to go on “Melody, I’ve been wanting to say this to you for a long time. I-“

“Oh hey sorry, the line in the restroom is too long.” I was surprised when someone interrupted.

It was her prom date that she has a crush on.

He gave an apologetic smile and then looked at me “Hi! You’re Hyunsik right? Melody told me a lot of things about you. Don’t worry, they’re all good though.”

“Hyunsik, you remember Peniel right? He’s at the class next to ours.” She pulled her hand from mine and stood up from her seat, I felt the emptiness.

“Nice to meet you, bro.” he held out a hand.

I took it and greeted back. “Nice to meet you too, Peniel” I forced a smile but inside I was not really pleased in meeting him. Not to be rude, but he just ruined the moment.

I saw his hand intertwined with hers. I think I stopped breathing for a while.

“I’ll get us some popcorn, what flavor would you like?” He asked us both.

“Anything would be fine, Hyunsik and I eat everything.” She said then looked at me “Right?”

“Y-yeah, right.” I faked a laugh.

Peniel went to the counter and waited in line and Melody got back to her seat.

“What were you saying again?” she asked me.

“Oh that… I just want to tell you that uh- I finished ‘Star’. I already recorded and I’ll let you hear it.” I half lied. Well, I really finished it and I’ll give the song to her.

“Wow! Really? I can’t wait to hear the whole song. Every song you make is really good and worth to listen to everyday. I also let Peniel hear your other songs and he agrees with me.”

Since when were they that close? And since when are they dating that I didn’t even noticed it?

It seems like she read my mind “Oh, we’ve been constantly contacting each other since prom night and earlier he said he wanted to meet me. I was at the bank that time, mom asked me to make a deposit and I said to him that I’m going here, so we met here. And-“ I saw her blush before she continued “He confessed to me and I still can’t believe my crush likes me back.” She slightly squealed.

I felt like a bucket of ice cold water was poured on me. The whole night I continued to fake smiles and laughter.

Peniel is a gentleman and very kind, even to me. Whenever he asks her something, he’ll never forget to include me in the conversation. He’ll crack jokes about the characters in the movie that’ll make her laugh, from time to time he’ll feed her popcorn. I think I watched them more than the movie.

Her smile was different that time, she was blooming and oh how beautiful her lips curve up into a smile and her eyes formed tears from too much laughing.

I really wish that it was me making her laugh like that, making her eyes disappear to thin lines, making her happy.

It was supposed to be just the two of us.

It should’ve been me.

If only I was a little braver.

When you’re tired, when the tears fall out

Just remember this one

You are more precious than me

I will hold your two hands, I’ll be here

We graduated high school and we went to different universities. I majored in music while she majored in architecture. Albeit having different schools, we still had the same schedule. Peniel goes to the same university with Melody but they have different schedules so I still go home with her since our schools were just near to each other.

That’s the only time I can catch up things with her because her free days are for Peniel.

Now how can I argue with that?

I just can’t, because I’m only the bestfriend and he is the boyfriend. I let it be.

I tried getting out of this one-sided feelings by focusing on my studies, composing songs, spending time with my family and other friends.

But at the end of the day, it’s still her.

I also tried to look at other girls. I was in my last year in the university when this girl in one of my classes gave me homemade chocolates on Valentine’s Day and she confessed to me thru a letter.

I gave it a shot and dated her. I thought I was happy with her and that I have moved on but every time I’m with her, Melody was all I could think of. When she took care of me when I had a fever and I was at school, I remembered how Melody always bring me herbal drinks whenever I’m sick.

Every thing she does reminded me of Melody. We were nearing our anniversary when I decide to tell her how I really feel. I thought that I can reciprocate fully what she felt for me so I tried to focus on just us and we’ve come this far, but I guess my heart was really held by someone else.

It was New Year’s Eve, and I know how she loves watching fireworks so I took her to the rooftop of our school building because that is where it can be seen clearer and it’ll feel more closer.

As expected, she was very happy when it started “I feel like I can reach them with my hands.” She said chuckling and she looked at me “Thank you Hyunsik” she rested her head on my shoulder.

I thought about Melody again. We didn’t really had much time to talk with each other because college life had been busier and also we had different schedules now so we rarely see each other.

Is she also happy watching the fireworks now?

“Sami.” I held the hands of my girlfriend “I am glad that you liked it.” I brushed my thumb against the back of her hand and I inhaled deeply “I have been nothing but happy these past months. I realized you are a wonderful person as I got to know you more.” My eyes never left hers as I say those words.

“But I can’t go on with this anymore. When I’m with you, I can’t help but also think about her. I felt like I was cheating on you and you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve me.” This time my gaze dropped to our hands, I swallowed hard “I’m sorry, I’m in love with someone else.”

I was waiting for her to cry and be angry with me but instead she gave my hand a squeeze and she lifted my chin so that we were face to face again.

“I know.” I was surprised with her reply

“When we took pictures in the photo booth in an arcade, you went to the restroom and left your wallet with me, our pictures came out and I decided to put it in your wallet.” She paused for a while “But when I opened it, I saw your picture with her. And I recalled the many times I’ve seen you staring at it, the happy tone of your voice and the different glint in your eyes whenever you mentioned her name to me. It made me jealous but I didn’t say it to you.”

My heart was breaking, that day we went to the arcade was our first date as a couple. I didn’t remove my picture with Melody because I didn’t have to. Or maybe… I didn’t want to.

“And that time when you introduced us to each other, I saw how you looked at her and I know that you’ll never look at me the way you do to her.” Her voice faded and she cleared her throat before continuing “This was the day that I feared the most, but I still prepared my heart for it. So don’t feel too bad, okay?” she smiled even though her eyes were glassy, she was fighting back her tears.

I pulled her into a hug “You are beautiful inside and out, someone is out there waiting for you and you deserve his full attention and love. You deserve to be really happy.” And I sincerely do want her to find the love and happiness that I can’t give “Thank you Sami, thank you for everything.”

She hugged me tighter, her voice was faltering “Thank you too, Hyunsik. I wish you luck and hope you’d be happy too.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you very much” I ended the call and shouted with glee “Yes!” I was accepted at Cube Entertainment and will become part of the music production team. It is a step closer in reaching my dream to become a producer.

I instantly thought of going to Melody. I want her to be the first one to know. After being an intern for a year and a half, she also got accepted in her dream company. As for Peniel, he went back to the US because his family misses him and so does he so when he got the opportunity to work there, he didn’t let the chance slip away.

Melody was hesitant about the long distance relationship at first but she didn’t want it to look like she was keeping him away from his family.

It was okay at first, Peniel’s contract there is 3 years and they’re halfway through the LDR. But as months passed by, even if she doesn’t say it, I noticed that Melody got sadder. She told me they rarely talk now and sometimes Peniel would sleep in the middle of their conversation because of the different time zones and he got busier as work loads got heavier.

I stood outside her apartment door and rang the doorbell, no one answered. I rang it another time. Still, no answer. I purposely didn’t text her for I wanted to say the good news to her personally. But, she’s not at home.

Where could she be?

I fished out my phone from my pocket, I was about to dial her number when it buzzed and musical notes appeared on the screen.

“Hyuuuuunshiiiik… he he he” she said on the other line when I answered.

“Melody, where are you? Are you drunk?” I quickly noticed the way she spoke.

She stifled a laugh “Nooooo…. We came heeeere… last time…. Changsub’s birthdaaay… lights are really pretty here.. you know?” she giggled in between her words

“Stay there okay? I’m going to you.” I hurriedly drove to the bar where our friend Changsub had his birthday party last week. I hope she’s not too drunk, people might take advantage of her.

My worries subsided a little when I saw her sitting on the gutter just outside the bar. Melody was clutching her bag and she rested her left cheek on top of it. I can’t help but admire her peaceful face. I crouched down and woke her up “Melody” I slightly shook her arm “Come, on I’ll take you home.”

She lifted her head. She smiled widely as soon as she recognized me. “sikkieeee” her limbs encircled my arm and pulled it close to her “you smell niiiice… he he” I chuckled at her actions. Whenever she’s drunk, she’s clingy and tends to say a lot of cringey things.

She let go of my arm and looked at me again “You” she pointed at my face “cutieeee… you look so cute todaaay” I stifled a laugh “You think so?”

She nodded “Uh-huh… you’re Mr. Im Cutesik todaaay.. cutesik… cutesikkieee... cutiesikkie” she sing sang and I swear my heart fluttered.

I made her stand up and supported her body as I walk her to the car. She was still chanting the nickname until we reached her place.

I sat her on the sofa and she leaned sideways, her hair covering her face and within seconds, I heard small sobs. I sat next to her and reached for her hand “Hey, what’s the matter?”

She didn’t say anything and cried louder. I wrapped her in my arms, it was the first time I saw her cry like that. She usually cry over sad songs and movies but not like this. This was different. She was crying her heart out.

I wanted to punch whatever or whoever hurt her.

When she calmed down she leaned back on the sofa “We’re over-” she sniffed “We fight every time we talk… I’m so tired of it.” the sadness in her voice made my heart ache “Peniel... he- he’s going to stay there for good.” She cried again after that.

I brought her to bed when she stopped crying and tucked her in “You’re tired, sleep now.”

She clutched the hem of my shirt “Don’t leave me.” She said in a weak voice

I nodded and smiled to assure her “I won’t.”

I lied down beside her. Her eyes slowly closed when I ran my fingers through her hair and started to hum a lullaby.

I watched her sleep that night. She tossed and turned, her legs and arms were going everywhere, and her mouth was slightly opened. It was a funny scene to look at and she must’ve been really tired and sad.

But even with those things, she still looks beautiful to me.

So you can be happy, you can always laugh

I will always be there

Every moments of moments

I promise to protect you

The day after she got drunk, I took care of her. I learned that Peniel’s contract was extended and he decided to stay there for good. The relationship didn’t work out anymore and they didn’t end on a good note.

Since then I told myself that I wouldn’t let anything or anyone make her cry like she did that night again. I wanted to help her move on and so I did.

But, it was not easy. She still cried for more than a week or two so I encouraged her to do new hobbies and focus on other things like playing sports, or video games, tuning in to k-pop and stuffs, travelling to different countries and I slowly observed her improvement because I am with her in every step of the way.

She was getting better everyday and when I saw her beautiful smile more often, I know that the Melody I knew is back. She may not have totally gotten over him but at least she’s not crying anymore.

I started writing a song and this time I want to sing it to her personally, conveying all my feelings for her. Nothing is holding me back this time.

In more or less 2 days, I have finished the song and I called her to meet up with me later that day. I brought my guitar with me and also bought her favorite peonies.

I put in my whole heart to the song. It portrays the things I want to say to her and to remind her over and over how she is important to me and that I’ll never leave her side.

This time, I’ll confess with no hesitation. I’ll tell her that I love her and that from the start it has always been her.

I’ll never forget that day.

Because that day, was the turning point of my life.

Thank you that you are there for me

you are here

I promise that I will love you forever

Baby, baby you are the one

When I wrote this song, I thought of marrying her. I promised to myself that one day, in God’s will, I’ll sing it to her as her groom.

Now that I am here in front of Melody, singing the song I wrote for her and she was wearing a wedding dress, it was like a dream come true.

So you can be happy, you can always laugh

I will always be there

Every moments of moments

I promise to protect you

I sang my whole heart out looking at her, I saw how her two orbs shined, how her smile reached her eyes, how stunning she is.

The entire song I was looking at her.

Even though she looked at someone else.

Her happy eyes and wide smile were for the man beside her.

She is the bride.

But the groom is not me.

That day when I decided to confess for real, she didn’t show up. It turned out that the man she had always loved came back to her that same day.

Peniel left everything to be with Melody and they got back together and a year after, they decided to get married.

I never really got the chance to say to her how I feel. But at least as a singer for their wedding, I was lucky that I can sing it to her.

When you’re tired, when the tears fall out

Just remember this one

You are more precious than me

I will hold your two hands, I’ll be here

I will never forget the first time we met. I’ll always keep in my heart the memories I had with her, and the things she does and likes to do.

I will never leave her side whenever things get tough and I’ll always be the bestfriend whenever she needs one.

I will always remember her beautiful eyes that twinkled, her beautiful laugh that resonated, her beautiful mind that thinks, her beautiful heart that loves and always cares and all the beautiful things about her.

And I’ll always be here for her.

My Beautiful Melody

#btob imagines #hyunsik #btob #hyunsik imagines #hyunsik fluff #kpop fluff #kpop imagines #im hyunsik #im hyunsik imagines #btob hyunsik imagines

9 notes · View notes

glitch-slime · 6 years

Note

#1-49

ok i answered all of them below the cut

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

probably @vinorusso

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

im shy if i dont know you but once im comfortable around you good luck getting me to shut up

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

*whispers* @jj-pepsi

4. Are you easy to get along with?

yeah! i tend to get along with most folks as long as you dont insult me and arent an asshole!

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

gosh i hope so! i’d be a giggling mess someone would need to help me!

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

answered!

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

im in one right now~

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

joseph joestar

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends. as long as its with someone i know well then i’m okay.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

@namethatghostling @vinorusso and @icetown666

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“AAAA”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Daft Pretty Boys – Bad Suns

Passenger Side – Smallpools

I Don’t Want it at All – Kim Petras

Beware the Dog – The Griswolds

All Men Are Pigs – Studio Killers

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Y E S

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

answered!

15. What good thing happened this summer?

well the summer is just beginning but last summer i got to go to pride and have a great time with my friends

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

no.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

answered!

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

oh heck no.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yup!!

20. Do you like your neighbors?

no.

21. What are you bad habits?

i pick at my nails a lot, and i also sleep way too late.

22. Where would you like to travel?

i’d love to go to japan or ireland

23. Do you have trust issues?

nah, im pretty trusting until someone betrays me.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleeping

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

most of it, but mostly my tummy

26. What do you do when you wake up?

lay in bed for an hour

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

im fine with the skin im in,

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my close friends!

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

no. i dont talk to my exes.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

not thinking about it atm.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yes!

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

*raises eyebrows* chris pratt and chris hemsworth.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

sziob bnz n

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

me? running? playing sports? i dont think so.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv, i would miss food network though.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yup, all the time.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothing.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

they’re sweet and kind, and incredibly understanding and compassionate, they’d be the first one i think of when i wake up, and the last before i go to bed. theyre always there to listen and ready to comfort me anytime

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

stuff with comics and games!

40. What do you want to do after high school?

well im in college…so….?

i dunno, i kinda want to be a flight attendent

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

answered!

43. Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

SPACE SPACE SPACE

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

needing to use the bathroom does the trick.

46. What are you paranoid about?

dying alone, probably.

47. Have you ever been high?

nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yup, it was wild.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

who hasnt?

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

sometimes.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i wish i didnt weigh so much.

53. Favorite makeup brand?

NYX

54. Favorite store?

it used to be gamestop, but now i work there so nah.

55. Favorite blog?

dailyjo2eph

56. Favourite colour?

yellow, but i also like purple!

57. Favourite food?

answered!

58. Last thing you ate?

chicken wings

59. First thing you ate this morning?

uhh, nothing?

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

i dont remember winning anything tbh

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope, im a good egg.

62. Been arrested? For what?

no! im a good noodle!

63. Ever been in love?

yes ;p

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

my first kiss was awful. the guy kissed me in front of my mom while she was looking wtf.

65. Are you hungry right now?

im always hungry.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

my tumblr friends are my real friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

still twitter.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

yup! food network!

70. Names of your bestfriends?

im not giving out peoples names.

71. Craving something? What?

chocolate pudding pie…

72. What colour are your towels?

various colors, but mostly purple

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yes

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

way over 100

75. Favourite animal?

i really like whales

76. What colour is your underwear?

black.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

purple cow (its black raspberry with chocolate chips)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

white

80. What colour pants?

n/a

81. Favourite tv show?

cutthroat kitchen

82. Favourite movie?

Josie and the Pussycats

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

uhh ive only seen the first one once

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

uhhh?

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

flo

87. First person you talked to today?

my mom

88. Last person you talked to today?

@jj-pepsi

89. Name a person you hate?

drumpf

90. Name a person you love?

@jj-pepsi @vinorusso @namethatghostling @icetown666 and @kohomint

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

drumpf

92. In a fight with someone?

nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

like 5 pairs

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

too many

95. Last movie you watched?

Life of the Party

96. Favourite actress?

melissa mccarthy

97. Favourite actor?

chris pratt

98. Do you tan a lot?

99. Have any pets?

i have 3 cats

100. How are you feeling?

pretty good

101. Do you type fast?

maybe?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

i regret a lot of things.

103. Can you spell well?

not really

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

nah.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yes.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

nope

108. What should you be doing?

sleeping

109. Is something irritating you right now?

yup.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yeah

111. Do you have trust issues?

no, im pretty trusting.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

i cry a lot, so i dont remember.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

never had one

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah, all the time.

115. Do you play the Wii?

yup, and switch, wii u, and ps4

116. Are you listening to music right now?

yeah

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes!

118. Do you like Chinese food?

love it.

119. Favourite book?

i like Percy Jackson and the Olympians series

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

nah

121. Are you mean?

i hope not!!

122. Is cheating ever okay?

no.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

nope.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

yeah

125. Do you believe in true love?

heck yeah

126. Are you currently bored?

maybe a little?

127. What makes you happy?

talking with my friends

128. Would you change your name?

nah, ive gotten used to it

129. What your zodiac sign?

answered

130. Do you like subway?

yeah, subway is fine.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

?? date them maybe?? idk??

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

@vinorusso @namethatghostling @icetown666

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Hold me close and hold me fastThe magic spell you castThis is La Vie En RoseWhen you kiss me heaven sighsAnd though I close my eyesI see La Vie En RoseWhen you press me to your heartI’m in a world apartA world where roses bloomAnd when you speak…angels sing from aboveEveryday words seem…to turn into love songsGive your heart and soul to meAnd life will always beLa Vie En Rose

134. Can you count to one million?

i mean theoretically, yes. in reality? im not doing that shit.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

cant really think of anything.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

either way! some nights i forget to close it, but it also doesnt stay closed

137. How tall are you?

5 feet 6 inches!

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have straight hair!

139. Brunette or Blonde?

im a brunette!

140. Summer or Winter?

summer, i hate shoveling snow

141. Night or Day?

answered!

142. Favourite month?

October!

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nah, meat all the way dude.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

coffee

146. Was today a good day?

debatable.

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars?? im not a fan of snickers. milky way is my favorite candy bar

148. What’s your favourite quote?

For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. - Vincent Van Gogh

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

answered!

#me #ask #ask me #Anonymous

3 notes · View notes

whydontwe-fanfics · 7 years

Text

Capture and Effect (J.M)

Description: When live on YouNow, fans capture Jonah’s face while looking at you and rumors spread like wildfire.

Warning: Jonah being a smol bean, FLUFF, that’s it

Word Count: 3.2k

---

The Marais family was practically your family. You grew up next to them all your life and everything they went through, you went through.

Like when Jonah announced that he'd be moving to L.A to share a house with his four other bandmates. You, along with his family, were devastated. Jonah was your best friend, your ride or die, the Clyde to your Bonnie. But then he left and returned ever so often. Of course, you'd visit him a few times but it wasn't the same.

Even when he did leave Minnesota, you didn't lose contact with anyone. You would hang out with Esther and Svea and have dinner at their house whenever your parents were working. Sometimes you'd watch Svea while everyone else was busy and other times you and Esther would go out and do whatever you two could possibly do at the time.

You hadn't spoken to Jonah in a while, though, which was very upsetting because it was like the two of you were missing out on one another's lives - something that was always rare between the two of you. You always told him everything and vice versa, so it kind of sucked not knowing what he was up to. There were his Snapchat and insta stories, but that's all you had.

So imagine your emotions when he walks into your room at three in the afternoon on a random Saturday, Esther standing in your doorway recording everything.

Your eyes widen as you feel too astonished to move for a moment, not believing what was before your eyes.

"Jonah!" You scream after realizing that is was really him standing in your room. You jump up from your bed, your homework falling off your lap, and throw yourself at him.

He is quick to catch you, your arms wrapped around his neck and his around your waist. Your head rested on his chest as it vibrated from him chuckling.

"Hey, Buttercup," he mumbled, kissing the top of your head as you melted in his embrace that you've been longing for quite some time.

"I missed you," you murmured, his arms tightening around you when you say that.

"Awww," Esther cooed as she stopped recording.

You pull away from Jonah and he furrows his eyebrows when he sees the glossy look on your eyes.

"Don't cry," Jonah sadly smiled, cupping your cheeks.

"Shut up," you scoff before going back to hugging him.

The three of you headed to their house after you changed into some jeans and a clean tee.

"Jonah's back!" Svea squealed when you walked into her room, said boy walking on your heels.

"I know," you grin. She scooted over and you sat beside her, pushing strands of hair out of her face. "Now we've got him all to ourselves." You glance to Jonah who grins in the doorway.

The rest of your day was spent at their house. You and the Marais siblings hanging around and talking about anything and everything.

That night, Esther had gone to sleep early so it was just you, Jonah and Svea hanging on the back porch. You and Svea sat on the porch swing, her head resting on your shoulder as she plays games on your phone.

Jonah sat on a plastic chair in front of you as he signed into YouNow and started a live broadcast.

"Why now?" You ask, swinging back and forth on the swing.

"Why not?" He replied, shifting his laptop so you're in the view just as the views start growing.

"I see your point," you hum.

"Hey, guys, what's up," Jonah greets his fans as the view count grows by the second. "I'm back in Minnesota for the week, with my family and stuff."

"You're supposed to avoid being knocked off," you tell Svea as she plays another one of your games.

"Oh," she nods before retrying the level.

"The fans who've been here for very very long know Y/N and Svea, and if you don't, Y/N is my best friend and Svea is my little sister."

You salute to the camera with a small smile as the comments flood with the sweetest greetings to you and Svea.

Jonah answers questions and replies to as many comments as he can for the next thirty minutes.

where are you right now???

"Minnesota, my hometown, Stillwater."

never heard of stillwater

"Yeah, it's sort of a small town, I guess you can say," Jonah shrugs.

AWWW Svea is falling asleep back there

Jonah looks back and sees Svea sleeping against your shoulder, your free hand running through her hair gently. He smiles at the two of you just as you look up.

"What?" You raise a single eyebrow.

"Nothing," Jonah runs a hand through his hair. "She should probably head to bed."

"Yeah, I just don't wanna wake her up," you frown.

"I can carry her," Jonah suggests.

You sigh and purse your lips to the side. "Svea," you whisper, rocking your shoulder slightly. "C'mon, you're tired."

"Hm? No, I'm not. I was just resting my eyes. I wanna stay up with you two," Svea pouts.

"We're both gonna be here in the morning," you tell her.

"Yay," Svea yawns before sliding off the porch swing, you following after her.

"I'll be back," you tell Jonah as you follow Svea into the house, your hands on her shoulders. Jonah watches you two leave, slightly biting his lower lip before turning back to his laptop.

Is Y/N your girlfriend? || Y/N and Svea are so cuttteeee || you look whipped || Y/N AND JONAH 2k17 MAKE IT HAPPEN

Jonah laughs with a small shake of his head. "Y/N's been my best friend for sixteen years, guys - not my girlfriend." He continues reading the comments. "Yeah, Y/N is like another sister to Svea and Esther, she's part of the family."

I WANT JONAH AND Y/N TO BE TOGETHER || i'm so okay with y/n and jonah || Jonah if you get with anyone other than Y/N I s2g || WE NEED SHIP NAMES

By now, Jonah's face was red and he faked a small chuckle to hide his embarrassment. "Guys," he complained, covering his face. "Stoooop," he laughs. "I adore Y/N as my best friend."

A few minutes pass before you return, sitting in a plastic chair beside Jonah now and not on the swing.

"How's everybody doing out there?" You spread your arms out and try your best not to be loud because Jonah's mom and sisters were currently all asleep.

Y/N I LOVE YOU || HIIII || IM DOING GOOD

"I love having fans because of you," you tease Jonah, who rolls his eyes with a smile.

"You have fans because everybody loves you," he mentions.

"That, too," you wink at him playfully before turning back to his laptop, bringing a knee up to your chest. "They want you to sing," you tell Jonah, poking him in the cheek.

"I have a sore throat right now," he frowns, using his knuckle to gently knead at his throat, knowing that that won't do anything to the cause. "You should sing."

"Haha, very funny," you deadpan.

Who remembers when Y/N sang in a YouNow a few months ago? || OMG WHEN Y/N SANG TITANIUM what a throwback || I wanna hear Y/N sing!

"I have a yucky voice," you say.

"No, you have a beautiful voice," Jonah says as he swipes under his nose, so his voice is kind of muffled, but both you and the audience he sported heard clearly.

"Aww, thank you," you coo, a cheesy grin on your face. "I could sing Twinkle Twinkle-"

"Oh, gosh," Jonah throws his head back as you laugh. "Sing the boys and I's new song."

"You and the boys have a new song?" You tease.

"Have you been under a rock?"

"I'm sorry, the world doesn't revolve around you, Jonah Marais," you snort, narrowing your eyes a bit. "No, I don't wanna sing These Girls, you fuck boy."

Jonah's jaw drops. "That's not what the song is abou-"

"Ehhhhh," you squint one of your eyes and cock your head. Jonah sighs and slouched in his chair as you send a wink to the YouNow viewers. "If I sing, you've gotta sing with me," you slap his leg.

"I can't sing with a sore thro-"

"Um, yeah you can. Jonah, you can sing with marshmell’s in your mouth. I know you," you tell him.

"Ugh, fine."

You smile and go to poke his cheek, a habit of yours, but he sways your hand away. You fake a frown and he rolls his eyes at you before pulling your finger up to his cheek, your smile reappearing after that.

"What song?" You hum.

"The A Team," Jonah quickly responded. You look at him with amusement for a split second.

"That was my favorite song in-"

"2011, yeah I know," he says, causing your insides to go warm.

FIND U A MAN WHO KNOWS YOUR FAVE SONG FROM 6 YEARS AGO || more goals than i'll ever be capable of || OH JUST KISS ALREADY || I LOVED THE A TEAM, TOO || ed sheeran for liiiffeee || I’M.-.

Jonah and you don't pay attention to the comments as you both start singing the song, his voice a little deeper than normal but overall still amazing.

“White lips, pale face Breathing in snowflakes Burnt lungs, sour taste Light's gone, day's end Struggling to pay rent Long nights, strange men

And they say She's in the Class A Team Stuck in her daydream Been this way since eighteen But lately, her face seems Slowly sinking, wasting Crumbling like pastries”

You pay more attention to your untied shoelace during the song while Jonah's eyes never leave your face. He forgets that they were live and all he sees is your face that he's been in love with for the past seven years.

“And they scream The worst things in life come free to us 'Cause we're just under the upper hand And go mad for a couple grams And she don't want to go outside tonight And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland Or sells love to another man It's too cold outside For angels to fly Angels to fly”

His eyes glance to your lips for a mere second before he goes back to watching you whole, enjoying the sound of your voice syncing with his. You turn to him and catch the smile on his face, one growing on yours as well.

“Ripped gloves, raincoat Tried to swim and stay afloat Dry house, wet clothes Loose change, bank notes Weary-eyed, dry throat Call girl, no phone

And they say She's in the Class A Team Stuck in her daydream Been this way since eighteen But lately, her face seems Slowly sinking, wasting Crumbling like pastries And they scream The worst things in life come free to us 'Cause we're just under the upper hand And go mad for a couple grams And she don't want to go outside tonight And in a pipe, she flies to the Motherland Or sells love to another man It's too cold outside For angels to fly An angel will die Covered in white Closed eye And hoping for a better life This time, we'll fade out tonight Straight down the line

And they say She's in the Class A Team Stuck in her daydream Been this way since eighteen But lately, her face seems Slowly sinking, wasting Crumbling like pastries They scream The worst things in life come free to us And we're all under the upper hand Go mad for a couple grams And we don't want to go outside tonight And in a pipe we fly to the Motherland Or sell love to another man It's too cold outside For angels to fly Angels to fly To fly, fly For angels to fly, to fly, to fly For angels to die”

By the time it was over, you were grinning and Jonah was holding himself back from placing his lips on yours.

"I told you you were good, even with a sore throat," you smirk.

"I could sound like trash and you'd still tell me my voice is amazing," Jonah stated.

"That is very true," you point out. "That's cause I love you," you brush some hair out of his face and turn back to the viewers who were all holding their breath at the tension between you and Jonah, something you happened to be very oblivious to.

Jonah knew that either some or all of them caught him staring at you, and nothing was holding them back from commenting it for you to see.

If Jonah isn't whipped, I'm not human || OMG JONAH LOOKED SO IN LOVE LOOKING AT HER || TELL ME SOMEONE CAPTURED THAT MOMENT || SO MANY SCREENSHOTS || i want to be Y/N so bad.. ||Y/N, JONAH LOVES YOU PLEASE LOVE HIM BACK

You didn't get to read a single comment because Jonah quickly announced that it was getting late and closed his laptop.

"What was that for?" You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

"It's getting late. We should head to sleep," he stretches his arms out.

You shake your head and rise to your feet.

"That was so weird, though, how you just slammed it closed. They all must be so confused."

"Now I feel guilty," he says, flicking the porch light off and letting you go into the back door before he does, locking it afterward.

"You should," you chuckle, heading to his room and collapsing on his bed.

"Do you still have clothes here or did you take them back while I was gone?" Jonah asks as he places his laptop on his dresser and opens his pants drawer.

"They're still here," you get off his bed and open the closet, pulling out the basket full of your clothes. You pull out a pair of dark red leggings and a Plant Fitness t-shirt, changing into them with your back turned to Jonah.

You had gotten used to changing in front of Jonah by now, being that you two were closer than any other friendship you've ever known.

When you guys were young, changing in front of each other was normal and it still was now. To you, at least. You had no idea that whenever you'd take off a shirt in front of Jonah he had to hold his breath and think of the most disgusting things so his little friend didn't make an appearance, and half the time that wouldn't work so he'd have to go take a cold shower.

Like, now, for instance.

"I'm gonna take a quick shower," Jonah grumbles, using a pair of sweatpants and a blue hoodie to cover his boner.

"Okay," you turn to him just as he rushes out the room.

---

You woke up beside Jonah with your head on his arm and your legs tangled together under the bed sheets. You shifted your head so that you could look up at him.

"Morning, Buttercup," Jonah murmured, his voice low and raspy.

"Morning," you sigh, sitting up and stretching your limbs before falling back to where you lied previously and curling up even more in Jonah's side. The two of you lie around on your phones before you hop into the shower and get dressed for the day. You, the Marias siblings and their mother would be heading to see a movie in a few hours and you wanted to be ready early.

After you had gotten dressed, you hung around Jonah's room until he also got out of the shower and got dressed. Jonah was on his laptop while you sat right beside him, your thighs leaning against one another as you went onto Instagram.

Your normal daily scrolling goes by but something catches your eye.

You had always followed fan accounts for the boys, Jonah, Jack, Zach, Daniel and Corbyn. There are even a few for you. Chrstina and all siblings related, and you always smile when the people behind the accounts grow so happy when you either follow or like their posts.

Though this morning all of the accounts you follow seem to be focused on one thing.

There was one video of you and Jonah singing with a red circle focused on Jonah's face, which was directed towards yours. Jonah looks absolutely positively whipped, read the caption with a ton of hashtags underneath it.

Then there was a collage of you and Jonah from the live last night. One picture was of you brushing hair out of Jonah’s face, and the others were of Jonah looking at you with that adoring love-struck look on his face. I'll sell my soul for these two to become a thing that caption read.

You glanced up at Jonah with scrunched up eyebrows before looking back at your phone. For the next ten minutes, that's all you see. Edits and photos and collages of Jonah with comments and captions all focusing on Jonah's apparently obvious feelings for you. Well, not so obvious that you caught on.

You avoided the hate comments, too busy being confused on why Jonah would look at you so intensely.

You went into more digging and even found a few screenshots of Jonah looking back at you and Svea with comments that made you nearly choke on air.

Jonah realizing Y/N's got mom qualities || OMG THEY'D BE SUCH CUTE PARENTS

"What's wrong?" Jonah asks when he sees your face turn beet red.

"I-uh... have you been on Instagram at all, lately?" You ask awkwardly.

"No, why?"

"Because all your fans who watched the live last night think that you have feelings for me," you rush out, not looking at him as you bite the inside of your cheek.

Jonah's eyes widen as his breath hitched in his threat. His unresponsiveness made you turn to him as he tried to find something to say.

"Jonah?" You ask slowly.

"I-um... I..."

"Do you actually have feelings for me?" You question, to which he still sits there nervously. But his silence is all you need. "When did it start?" Your voice was quiet now, and Jonah didn't know if you were disgusted, amused, confused or all of the above.

"When we were twelve," he mutters, glancing down at the bed sheets. You were taken aback by his answer. "It just started out as another crush but then over the past few years they grew and I can't look at any other girl without thinking of you. Trust me, I've tried to get over it, but I can't."

"Why didn't you tell me?" You frowned.

"I thought it'd ruin everything. You're my best friend and the feelings are unrequited-"

"I never said that," you pull in your lips. Jonah halts as his eyes snap up to meet yours.

"What?"

"I mean... there's always been that thought that crosses my mind every once in a while... but I was sure that you only thought of me as a sister, being that that's what you always say."

"I just... I want to try, but I don't want us to ever split as best friends. I've had you by my side for sixteen years and the last thing I'd want to do is mess that up."

"So let's do what you said. We can try," you shift closer to him, sitting with your legs in straddling position on the bed. Jonah's eyes glanced to your lips before the two of you leaned in. Your lips attached and you both moved closer to one another, your hands cupping either side of his neck as he has one arm around your waist and the other caressing your cheek.

"Just promise me one thing," you breathe, pulling away slightly. Jonah nods, his eyes not leaving yours. "No matter what happens, we will always be best friends, even if this all turns to crap in the end."

"It won't," he shakes his head. "It won't turn to crap."

"Just promise me," you beg.

Jonah looks at you with assurance before nodding. "I promise."

"Thank you," you sigh before leaning back in and connecting your lips once again.

---

Masterlist | Request Here

1K notes · View notes

nanuri169 · 6 years

Text

Candy Shop Chapter 4

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

Summary: Alexis is the leader of a small, but thriving community, hidden deep in the woods. It seemed that the people living there have found a small, fragile understanding of peace. How long can a quiet life last when Negan finds them and shows interest in what the small colony has to offer?

Chapter 4:

The giggling that came from Kitty as she enjoyed riding around on Negan's shoulders annoyed Alexis to the edges of sanity. She was far from covering her disapproval in the leader of the Saviors even coming close to her child. And now Kitty had a crush on him. Amazing.

When they entered the farm house, two of his men followed them. Alexis remembered them as being Dwight and Simon, Negan's front row men. While Simon miserably failed to hide a grin while he watched his leader playing around with the little girl on his shoulders, his mustache moved by every twitch his lips made, the reddish blonde guy next to him looked around cautiously, nearly nervous. He looked like was about to pull off some crazy shit, which made Alexis even more tense. That guy could do whatever he planned everywhere else, but not in the middle of her home.

Alexis snippily explained the purpose of every room, but Negan didn't even seem to listen, as he was busy joking around with Kitty. Of course the little girl loved it and the brutal leader turned to a little boy from one second to the other.

"What do you say, Sy? Wouldn't I be a fucking amazing daddy? Maybe I should really leave something inside one of my wives the next time we have a big time screw session."

He laughed while he fixed Kitty on his hip, his gloved hand thankfully holding her securely.

"Language."

Alexis hissed, but Negan didn't even bother to shoot her a glance.

"Another rug rat cursing like a sailor and barking orders? Hell no."

Simon and Negan both leaned their heads back to laugh heartily. Dwight and Alexis on the other hand just shared a look, definitely having less fun. But it told the young woman more about the relationships in here. Simon was the only one who wasn't shitting his pants to speak up to Negan, he actually joked around with him and seemed to share his vulgar humor. Still, he sure as hell knew where the borders laid. Negan was in charge, the unquestionable boss. Dwight didn't seem comfortable around his leader. His nervous habits gave him away and he never spoke, only when he was asked something and even then very sparsely.

Alexis continued walking, not bothering if the men were done with their laughter. She shortly knocked before she opened the door to the most precious room here.

"This is the nursery. Katherine will stay here now."

She put sharp emphasis on her daughter's name and looked right into the pale blue eyes that matched her own so much. It kept Kitty from daring to argue, she knew that look on her mother's face. Alexis took her from Negan's arms and handed her to the younger woman, Sharon, that was looking at her leader and the men she brought with her with fear.

"Keep her inside. I mean it."

Her voice left no questions. Sharon flinched, looking even more frightened by Alexis' tone. Turning on her heels, she pushed Simon and Negan out of the room and led them towards her office. Negan whistled impressed.

"You're even more scary than I thought. Keeping your people in check by frightening them, even though you're freakin' tiny, impressive."

She shot him a glare and sat on her desk after letting the three men in.

"We're here to discuss matters of interest, so shall we?"

Alexis said annoyedly, still mad that Kitty behaved so trusting towards the stranger men. As if she hadn't taught the girl better.

"What, don't you want some guys for back up in here? I'll always let my guys have a say in shit like this, you know?"

Cocking an eyebrow, she tapped her foot impatiently.

"How generous of you. But I prefer to work alone, thanks."

Negan stepped forward and took a look around the room, swinging Lucille by his side lazily, while Simon took a seat on one of the stools in front of Alexis. The right hand man had already noticed this predatory gaze Negan eyed the other leader with. He knew this look, he had seen more often. For example on Dwight's wife and her sister. Actually whenever he wanted a woman and they weren't easy to get. Negan hated if he didn't get what he wanted, so this girl was in serious trouble. But Simon had to admit that from what he caught glimpse of, he liked that one. She was good at what she did and was one of the few people that wasn't immediately intimidated by Negan. Alexis stood her ground and it was admirable.

"So, Lexi, what kind of shit do you need?"

Negan looked out of the window and enjoyed the nice view to the forest. Horses could be seen farer away, it actually looked pretty peaceful. It could easily make one forget that it was the fucking apocalypse.

"Not much. We're quite good on the basics. Well, food is always a matter. Guns. Antibiotics. Some blankets."

She decided to be truthful with him. If this should work in any way, she needed to be. Even if she hated to give some information away.

"Guns, you say. Well, we have many."

The tip of his bat touched her shoulder and lightly scratched down her leather jacket onto her forearm. Alexis showed no reaction to the provocation.

"...But why should we give them to you? How can I be fucking sure that those blow job lips of yours spill nothing but lies?"

He had walked around her, Lucille now resting against her leg.

"We have an agreement, Negan. You always make it seem as if we just profit from you, but I sure as hell have many things you want, too. I feed most of my people by stuff we plant on our own. How about someone who can show you how to do that efficiently? Isn't that a fair exchange for some guns?"

Negan looked over his shoulder to Simon who smirked lightly.

"I told you she's likable."

The leader grinned as he spoke.

"...Deal. For the rest we need to scavenge. I'll pick ya up tomorrow. Bring two of your men."

"Fucking amazing how you leave me any say in this."

She looked up to him provokingly.

"Do you have a to freakin' be somewhere, doll? What is it? Getting your nails done? Shopping? Girl's night? Oh wait, no, I forgot, it's the apocalypse. Bet your calendar isn't that full."

Negan stated sarcastically, annoyed by her constant habit to question everything he says.

"Fine. Are we done now?"

She spat and Negan chuckled.

"So eager to see us leaving? Not yet, darling, you haven't fulfilled the second part of our bargain. You know, the riding part."

He moved his hips in an explicit way, to which Alexis rolled her eyes. She stood up and pushed him backwards so she could walk past him.

"Well then, hurry."

...

"Oh the holy fucking fuck, this is goddamn amazing, why the hell hasn't anyone told me how much fun this shit is?"

Negan had the brightest, pearly grin on his face since the moment he mounted the horse. His booming voice clearly irritated the usually quiet mare, but thankfully she didn't spook. Alexis just rolled her eyes at the salve of curse words.

"Can't you for once shut your cake hole? Horses are sensitive, they don't like if a loud dickhead on their back shouts around."

Annoyed, she continued to walk next to the horse. She held the reins in her hand as she didn't trust Negan to handle it all at once. He obviously struggled to hold the balance with his long, lean body.

"Did you just say cake hole? Freakin' Brit."

Alexis spared him a look.

"Yeah. Can you please concentrate? I don't want to pick up your gangly ass from the dirt."

Now she fired his unbounded ambition. He growled lightly at the insult.

"I'm not gangly. I can show you how un-gangly I am, darling. Why don't you hand me the damn reins and step aside?"

The young woman tried hard to hide her amusement at his childish behavior, but she just shrugged.

"Don't complain about me not warning you afterwards."

She handed him the reins. He probably already noticed that this was a bad idea when his hands left the horn of the saddle, but of course he was too stubborn.

"Yeah, I don't need to get walked around like a freakin' kid. Can't be that hard."

Negan sure as hell wouldn't think that for long. Alexis chose the most quiet horse she had, but he still was an inexperienced rider and had no clue how to use his legs and the reins to lead the horse properly.

The second she stepped aside, he did the worst thing possible: To stabilize himself, he closed his legs tightly and of course the well taught horse took it as a sign to go faster. She fell into a slow trot, but of course it took Negan off guard.

"Whoa! Easy, buddy!"

He lost control more and more by the second while the mare continued to trot towards the other horses on the meadow. When he finally had the idea to let his legs loose, the horse stopped all of a sudden and the exact thing Alexis had predicted happened. His feet slipped out of the stirrups and he fell down like a limb meat sack, landing on the ground with a thud followed by a groan coming from Negan.

Alexis strutted towards him, hiding her smile with her hand. Negan laid outstretched in the dirt and cursed under his breath, but he was obviously not hurt. Just his ego took some deep hits.

"Don't you dare say a word."

He mumbled and then Alexis couldn't hold it back any more. Her head fell backwards as the most genuine laugh escaped her throat. She hadn't laughed in quite a while and she couldn't stop. Negan couldn't help but notice how angelic it sounded. It was infectious.

"I really had to fall from a fucking horsey to make the woman laugh. Seriously, that tells a lot about how screwed up you are."

After a while, the laugh faded into a giggle and she held out her hand to help him up.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

His gloved hand clenched around her forearm and Alexis pulled him up. Negan quickly cleaned his jeans and leather jacket off the dirt.

"I'd bash your pretty head in if you'd even think about spilling it."

He finally let go of her arm and Alexis immediately turned to her grazing horse and loosened the girth of the saddle and took the bridle off. She ignored his joking threat.

"Well, next time simply listen to what I say and it won't happen again."

Without hesitation, she handed him the heavy saddle to carry back to the barn.

"You sure as hell know that I'll have a problem with that."

Chuckling, she walked beside them through the knee high grass.

"Your problem, not mine."

When they reached the stable, Alexis brought the tack to its usually place and then picked up the bats they left up here. She threw him Lucille and he easily caught her, instinctively letting his hand glide over the weapon's smooth surface.

"Will you let me say goodbye to your little girl? She's cute as hell."

Alexis took a deep breath and made the mistake to look into his mischievously glistening eyes. He was telling the truth, he really liked Kitty. Negan may be a cruel asshole, but hurting kids wasn't his style.

"Fine."

Rolling her eyes, she walked back towards the farmhouse with him and peeked inside the nursery.

"Kitty, say goodbye to your new...friend."

The last word she said through gritted teeth as she saw her daughter happily hopping towards her, smiling brightly at Negan. Well, these two obviously had found each other.

"Goodbye, uncle Negan!"

Kitty lisped a bit when she spoke his name, but it made it even more adorable. Her toothy grin struck something in Negan that everyone, including himself, thought was long dead.

"See you soon, cutie."

He ruffled the girl's hair and spared a grin at Alexis before he walked out of the farm house, leaving the community for today.

Alexis hugged her daughter tightly and watched the group leave through the window. She took a deep, relieved breath, tension falling off her shoulders. But she had to admit that this little incident early surely broke the ice between the two leaders.

Tag List:

@greengellybean

#negan #negan x oc #negan's thirst squad #sanctuary #walking dead #zombie #love #multichapter #simon #saviors #walkers #negan fanfiction #twd negan

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