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henqtic · 3 years

Note

Hi, can I request a Draco x reader in which they are best friends and reader is narcissistic, so when Draco starts to change in their sixth year, reader gets angry with him and ends their friendship until Draco tells her about his dark mark and reader realize how she is and try to improve. With a happy ending in which after winning the war both confess their feelings. im sorry if it's confusing

I can do better - d.m.

- word count: 2.2k

- warnings: mentions of scratching skin, please contact me if theres more !

- a/n- I’ve never really had an encounter with a narcissistic person and I don’t exactly know how to write them out so I did sort of switch that part up but everything else is the same <33

- masterlist | draco malfoy masterlist | gif creds | taglist form |

Countless years of friendship, down the drain all because he had been acting differently. Ever since your sixth year had started, Draco had been off. Quitting quidditch when he was so close to becoming captain— something that he had been determined to do ever since he made his way onto the team in your second year.

He’d rant on and on between lessons of how you should be honored to be talking to Slytherins future star player and quidditch captain.

There also weren’t any more occurrences where he’d stay up countless hours with you as you as you went on and on about the different aspects of astronomy— something that you had been overly interested in ever since you took the course as one of your electives in third year because you didn’t want to take ancient runes.

That was the same year you started to see him differently, maybe in a way that friends shouldn't have. And you played it off as something small, it’s not wrong to think your best friend looks good a few days out of the week, it’s just something friends do.

Well that was what you were telling yourself as you got used to finding even the smallest things he'd do cute. But it seemed that you weren't the only one having those feelings, that he had seemed just as interested as you were, so you grew comfortable with the situation and the attention.

The comfort of it all had grown even more when you were the first one he asked to accompany him to the yule ball without a second thought and you didn’t hesitate to say yes.

And even after everything that had happened last year with his father getting thrown into Azkaban, he hadn’t pushed you away but you were the first shoulder he came to cry on, and shamelessly at that. He wasn’t embarrassed in the least because he trusted you that much. Why wouldn't he?

It hurt that those were no longer the circumstances but that they were now almost the complete opposite. The shock of no longer having him and being his main source of attention scared you, it made you irrationally jealous at the thought of maybe he had moved on to someone else.

And while all of that was wrong, you couldn’t see it because your focus was on what you had lost and were no longer getting. So you were the person to end that friendship.

When you had told him that you no longer wanted anything to do with him, he seemed like he didn't care, almost like he wanted you to let him go and it made a deep pit form in your stomach.

It had only grown as you’d watch him from across the dinner table, bags prominent under his eyes and as days passed, he started to look more and more sickly.

To say the least, you had been riddled with guilt and thoughts of if you even should be— if you thought about it, you only hurt him before he could hurt you. But for some reason, it feel that way.

You decided to talk to him again, not as an apology but more of a deal that you could just move on and not think about because. It’s like when your parents call you to dinner instead of saying sorry for yelling at you, thinking that food was a piece offering.

So now you were roaming the halls in nothing but your pajamas and school robes remembering the times where Draco would be here on your side.

It was almost a daily thing for you both. You’d get tired of all of the homework that was required by the professors so you’d go and run around to try and get your ‘creative juices’ to come back. And while all of that did pain you, you were almost certain. That everything would go back to normal and things would be fine.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a cry sounding through the wide halls and you quickly realized it was a very familiar cry. And instead of just ignoring it, curiously took over, persuading you to follow to the source of their sounds. Moaning myrtle's bathroom.

You hadn’t a chance to ask what was or had happened before the ghost gave you a look of deep sympathy and floated into one of the nearby stalls. A splash followed, alerting you that she had gone down the toilet leaving you time to carefully step through the open space.

You tried your best to approach the person without disturbing them completely, but when you identified them, it was much harder.

“Draco is- is that you crying?” You asked, catching sight of the boy on the ground, left arm clutched to his body as if he had just burned himself.

“It’s not like you would care l/n,” he scoffed, trying to wipe his face and pull down his sleeve before you could get completely in front of him.

The last time you checked the clock, it was three in the morning and for some reason he still had his uniform on. The only sign of comfort was that his tie was a little loosened— had he not gone to sleep at all?

“Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong,” you huffed, once again getting irritated that he wouldn’t tell you anything going on. The thought not coming up into your head that maybe if he didn’t want to be so open about this topic, maybe it was for good reason.

“You’re the one who said you didn’t want anything to do with me so, I’m good thanks.” He wasn't anywhere as upset as you were, more hurt if you will.

“You didn’t seem to care much when I did tell you,” you countered, making him exhale deeply and run hands through his hair.

“It was for your safety. Don’t you understand that?” Your face scrunched in confusion of what was so top secret that he couldn’t even tell you to ‘keep you safe.’ He was already tired of the argument and decided to not answer you, in words at least.

His hand swiftly went down to the end of his sleeve to reveal to you his, what should have been bare arm, but there was a mark, a dark mark. Your eyes stayed on his arm for seconds you didn't take the time to count.

Not only was the mark of the dark lord staring at you but so was the amount of irritated skin around it. There were scratches, old and new, liked he thought the actions would erase the marking.

Your eyes slowly shifted to look into his glossed over ones, staring down at the spot that you previously were, But instead of the stare being out of shock, it was a mixture of shame and disgust. “I am sorry Draco. I didn’t even think that you would—”

“I didn’t have much of a choice, it was either this or my family gets killed,” he revealed, disgust lacing his voice.

Had you been that blind? Now that you're thinking of it, you hadn’t even asked him once if he was okay but complained about him never having time for you now.

And it was pretty obvious that a sixteen year old death eater being in Hogwarts couldn't mean anything good. He was probably under so much stress and you, someone who was supposed to be there for him wasn’t.

“Draco I—”

“I don’t need your poor try at an apology,” he said harshly, moving his arm out of your hold.

“No, really I—,” you choked on your words as if you didn’t have the ability to mutter a simple apology. Wait, had you always been that way?

“I am so sorry for everything and I know that I should've been so hard on you. I can’t imagine how horrible this year has been for you. I don’t even know how I completely overlooked you.”

You hated the way you made him feel, you hadn’t even thought your actions were that harmful seeing as you had always been that way. And that's when the realization hit, you had always been that way.

There were probably so many other occasions where you put yourself over others without a second thought and all the friends that you had, that had distanced themselves from you weren’t for no reason, but it was for that one.

You were suddenly pulled into his body, strong arms finding their way around you. The embrace wasn’t desperate, no, it was more of a silent plea that you’d stay and at least try to change your ways.

And you were going to do so much better than that. Your arms moved to hug him back, a sense of security coming over you both, enough so for him to let go and crumble into your arms once again and simply, cry.

After that night, your relationship slowly rebuilt itself, even though the first few days had been awkward seeing as he hadn’t truly accepted your apology, and understandably. But that only made you so much more determined to change, to improve not for only yourself but for the people around you.

And that’s just what you did, re-become the shoulder that was always available to cry on and the ears that were always open to listen when he needed to vent about not being able to fix the cabinet and how stressful it was.

Not to mention when he was done with it, he didn’t know how he wouldn’t mess up on the task of killing the headmaster.

But that also led to you trying your best to make him laugh again, and even though it wasn’t about seeing a boyish smirk come over his face as he jinxed unsuspecting students it was still something.

It was enough for you to see a sliver of a smile come over his even if it was from you tripping over the things in his room.

And when you finally did successfully make him let out a genuine laugh you were over the moon, you didn’t remember what it was he laughed at because immediately after you started cheering, that mission make Malfoy smile again had been completed.

That was probably the day that you realized that those feelings of more than platonic friendship were coming back.

That didn’t stop the crying you both did the night before he had to leave Hogwarts because while it does sound selfish, you wish he could've stayed that he didn't have to leave because you were going to miss him.

You even went to the extent of trying to convince him to let you join him but he immediately shut you down, not even entertaining the idea.

The manor wasn’t anything like it had been through your childhoods, but now it was stuffy and riddled with death eaters at every door. And there was no way he was going to willingly put you in that situation so you stayed at the castle.

Months later he was back at the school and of course, desperate to see you again. The last year had been hard for everyone and it was probably one of the worst for Draco. Not only did he figure out that his third year crush on you wasn’t so simple anymore but he had also realized it was so much more than that.

Standing by your side, on the side of Hogwarts only reinforced that idea. And as his parents beckoned for him to join them, he didn’t want to.

He wanted to choose the side that had been screaming out to him ever since he had become a death eater. And you were the one to not push him to stay or leave. But the slight squeeze to his hand was letting him know that whoever he did choose, you would be there right by his side.

And now as he watched Voldemort's body deteriorate, chipping and floating away like a piece of paper, a feeling of relief came over him, it was all over.

But that wasn't the only feeling that came over him because now he was determined, determined to tell you just how he felt and that’s what he did, hands still tightly weaved together as he pulled through the ruble.

You beat him to it though, confessing how much you loved him. And how throughout your years of Hogwarts he had always been such a great friend to you and how much you adored him even when he had his flaws. How you appreciated how he gave you a second chance, one to grow and one to improve on yourself.

And soon after that, he realized that you were in the same condition that he was and it wasn’t sickness but love; giving his own sappy take on confessing his feelings, you hadn’t only felt love Darco and he hadn’t only felt love for you but it was the feeling of being in love.

Draco Malfoy was completely and utterly in love with the girls standing in front of him at this moment and you felt the same for that boy standing in front of you.

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lissalizzie · 3 years

Text

Okay so a couple of days ago I made a post about how I couldn't write fanfics about Chishiya because I couldn't imagine him as a guy who would be in a romance without sacrificing his girlfriend for a card or visas, and some very cool person suggested me to write an angst...AND I DID ahahahaha.

Ookay, somethings you should know now: I'm Brazilian and I speak Portuguese, I learned English by myself and this is the first time I try writing anything in English so IM SORRY IF I MADE ANY MISTAKE

Second thing would be

THIS IS ANGST SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT OR IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD OR UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE DON'T READ IT

It also contains death, psychological manipulation and violence

Please dont romanticize it too, it's not a romance story, it's just the conditions I imagined for Chishiya to be involved with someone

Chishiya x Reader

You were hurt... So hurt you couldn't even begin to explain that feeling.

It was true You were somehow grateful because you were alive at least... Your friends couldn't say the same, and neither all those people you saw dying every fucking game. But you just couldn't... Not to think about how pointless was being alive and alone at that place... Alive, alone and fucking in love with a person who had an Ice cube in a shape of a card in the place of his heart.

You knew from day 1 when you met Chishiya and Kuina at the Beach, when that boy with the mysterious look came to you for the first time for "a talk" that nothing good could come from that. Nothing, except, maybe, for Kuina's friendship... She, who was the first person who notices the mess you was doing and tried to stop you... As the great blind stubborn you were, You just didn't listen at the time... You was at a fucking game world, playing for your life almost everyday, dealing with deaths and losing people... Missing the ones you loved the most, those ones you didn't even know if were or weren't alive... You could deal with a stuck up boy, because that's everything you thought he was... Your mistake... Well, You've recently discovered You're pretty damn good in making mistakes here.

Chishiya discovered yout feelings because at some point you couldn't manage to fight for your life and hide it... He noticed and started to be there for you after every game, specially the harder ones. He didnt talk anything, he just was there... He didnt touch you either, but he got to spend more and more time looking at you while you both were on bed... Those eyes, just as cold as him.

You didnt touch him, but you imagined he would be just as cold as that look... But you also believed he would be that deep... Like oceans. Chishiya was a grey ocean that you wanted so much, and every day more, to know...

You was so fragile, so fragile when he touched your skin for the first time, twice... The first time with his hands that wasn't cold at all which just made you want him nearer... The second time with the lips that came from your face to your mouth.

The boy must've planned that for weeks, you could see that now, in fact, now you understand that must be the reason why he looked so much at you. You was that school subject Chishiya probably didnt have any interest on but really had to study to pass the test... So he did... And you did...

And for the first time since you fell into that hell you felt alive, you felt like someone, just one person was there, and that Chishiya cared... And that he would do for you just as much that you would do for him.

You were so blind and in love... He started saying things about plans and you were so happy cause you thought that meant he trusted you... The first time he mentioned you on a plan you couldn't stop smiling, you were finally a part of someone's life there, it was like having a purpose again... And also being with him felt so much like action and... Not knowing about the next second because he was so... cloudy.

God, if only you could talk to yourself in the past, if only you have stopped for a second and gave that situation a better look... You felt so dumb now...

Well when he asked you to go to that place at night you... Just went, because you trusted him with your life by now. You knew somewhere deep in your heart that you shouldn't... Not just him but anyone... But it was a need, you were alone for a long time and then you found him... And then he started acting that way with you... He caught you out of guard...

It was silent, you didnt understand why you should be there, but the fact is that you were so afraid. Chishiya only said to be there and walk... It wasnt that much, but just as fast as you got there, you felt something on your back and then everything was dark.

When you woke up, you were in a room and Niragi, just with a couple of other important people -you just knew they were important because they were with the Hatter, the only one you could recognize besides Niragi because of the colors of his clothes.- You barely could see, actually, your eyes were still dealing with the lights.

- So that's the little bitch, huh? - You could listen to Hatter's voice. He came near of you and showed you a couple of cards. - Trying to steal from me ? You bastard really thought you could steal from me and just run away ?

You just didnt understand, you didnt had any card with you. You knew what happened to traitors and you always gave your cards to the beach just as you was told.

-B-But... I give my cards to you, I know I do. I'm not dumb

- Oh honey, dont play the stupid card. We found the cards with you, you were running away... You have many here... You haven't been to all this games lately, have you ? Have you been stealing from someone else, darling? - Hatter seemed to be genuinely angry and you were so afraid to say anything.

-I...

- Yes... - And you heard that familiar voice... That was Chishiya but you were hoping he would only come to help you... - My cards have been disappearing as I told you. I connected that it happened after every game I played with her after we became close... That's when I came to talk to you... - That was so much information you couldn't even handle. Chishiya betrayed you, lied about you and used you as his little toy just so he could... Distract people while he was doing whatever he was really planning and wasn't telling you... It was so clear... Oh God you felt so dumb and now it was like all your fights for being alive in that place had no value at all... Because you let yourself get caught by that stupid feeling...

Chishiya looked at you with the same cold eyes as always, no guilt... You wasn't expecting any, not after that.

- Well.. Death for the traitors, that's what you've been told - Hatter was just ready to give the orders to Niragi and you didnt really think you deserved to die by the hands of such a disgusting person

At that point you could only cry cause you knew it wasn't worth it to try arguing... Chishiya was too damn smart and there would be no evidence of mistakes if you knew him...

- She was stealing from me, right ? So I think I have the right to end this with my own hands? - Everyone got so surprised because Chishiya wasnt exactly the kind of guy who got involved with the dirty part of the job.

- Are you sure about this ? - Hatter never really doubted about Chishiya because he knew how much about himself he didnt show people... So Yes, killing someone because of a couple of cards didn't surprise him at all, maybe because he would do the same. - Whatever... Just be done with it by the morning... And dont even think about playing any kind of game Chishiya... You could be the next one.

Chishiya wasnt even listening. Niragi seemed literally so frustrated but, at some point, all people left.

Chishiya caught the gun that was above the table and came near you. You were crying silently but so hard... - What do you want? You wanna torture me now? Seeing me playing the stupid in love all this time wasnt enough for you? You want to literally kill me? How did you do that? - You were screaming, at that point you didnt care if someone would hear.

- You don't understand, right? - And then he showed a couple of cards, this time, one of each... Oh god... He literally used you to get Hatters's cards. - I'm sorry you made the wrong choices... But I needed to to this... I want to get out of here just as much as you... About the plan... You know I have access to the cards after the games... It's not that hard to steal the repeated ones, they don't pay that much attention on them... And also, just after I did it, I came to talk to Hatter about my card disappearing so the he wouldn't miss anything... It wasnt that har actually, it was just a distraction... But you know so much about me and my plans so I couldn't let you alone with Niragi or any of those people cause they're so dumb they might believe you and that's would be a problem for me... So

- You bastard, What do you think you are? God? You think you can just come and sacrifice people? - You wanted to beat him so hard it almost gave you the strength to break that stupid string around you. He just smiled that way you used to love but now make you nauseous.

- If I were god... I wouldn't allow people as easy to manipulate as you to live with the others, darling... Dont blame me for trusting the person everyone told you that shouldn't be trusted... Now... Let's get this done. - He pointed the gun at your forehead and you screamed as you closed your eyes.

- Please... Please Chishiya. I didnt mean anything for you at all?

- There's no meaning when there's no feeling, y/n... You're not in high school, you're playing for your life, and so am I... And you lost. I'm so sorry for you. - For the first time he seemed to be nervous but you couldn't see much anyway... He pulled the trigger... And then it was over.

#alice in borderland #chishiya #imagine #chishiya x reader

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sery-chan-13 · 3 years

Text

Childish

Niragi Suguru

So, a recent comment left by someone made me realize that there isn't many stories where the reader has a little space. I mean, I've noticed it as a person with one, so... yeah!

A quick explination for those of you that don't know what a little space is: A little space is when a person age regresses due to trauma. This could be situations from abuse to having to be an adult when you were a child. People use it to cope with all sort of trauma however(yes, being in a car crash, near death experiences etc. Etc.) When they age regress it can be to any age as well. Although a lot of people age regress to smaller ages (personally, my friend's little spaces (gave me permission to share) are of the ages of 4,5,7, and 3. I, of course, did research on how others experience it, but am mostly going off of how I personally experience my little space!

Warnings: blood, weapons, swearing, harassment(none done by Niragi towards the reader), soft Niragi things because I can't write his character canonly for the life of me-

Side note: there's a whole headcanon thing from I think @aceofspadegrass ? here on tumblr where there's pancakes on Fridays only and everyone goes nuts over it? Yeah, that inspired a section of this-

Niragi didn't know why he felt protective over you. You were just another girl at the beach. But he was protective over you since the first day he met you. It was a quick attachment on your side as well, feeling safe and protected around him. Although, you knew of his interest in you, you didn't want to bring attention to yourself. You already did by accidentally regressing in places around the beach. Or maybe being a bit to childish for your age. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't help it. And Niragi understood. That's why you were with him most of the time. He didn't mind your clingy or childish nature. No, he told you he thought you we cute for needing him so much. And you liked it when he called you cute. You felt safe.

You sat in the small field behind the beach, picking up dandelions and weaving them together into a crown. You kept humming quietly to yourself as you did. "What are you doing there princess?" You heard someone ask from behind you. It was Niragi. You knew his voice, you knew him. And you would never ever mistake his voice for someone else's. It was impossible. You smiled widely, showing him the bright yellow flower crown. He nodded, crouching down besides you. "Don't you have games tonight?" You questioned him, placing the flowers on his head. He looked at you, and up at the crown now placed on his head. He went to grab it off, but you grabbed his hand, interlocking your fingers with his. You pouted at the fact he was going to take it off, and he kissed your hand, muttering an apology of sorts into your hand. "Yeah. And so do you," he whispered. Neither of you wanted to be separated for the games, but you also didn't want to be in a game where there could only be one survivor. Of course, you didn't get to decide when you two would oand wouldn't play together, but it was so hard to not want to leave his side, but also not want to be the one left alive after a game. He had told you before that if it was a game where there could only be a sole survivor, you would be leaving. And that scared you. You couldn't think of life without Niragi caring for you, or giving you sweet words. After he met you, he started hating the fact he knew what others felt when they were waiting for their partners to get back. Now, you two had never really established what you two were, but you were really hoping he felt the same, because confessing was already stressful enough for you. You didn't want him to leave you alone.

"Niragi-"

"(Y/N)-"

You both spoke at the same time, making you laugh. "I'm going first. Because...yeah. You're mine, right?" He asked, looking at you. His dark eyes met your own, and you looked down. "W-whadya mean by that...?" You questioned, still looking away. He tilted your head to the side making you look at him. "You're mine, right? Mine means mine," he repeated. You understood what he was saying. "I'm yours, pinkie promise!"

You whimpered, clutching onto his shirt in pain. "Owie... hurts," you whined. "I know sweetheart, I know," he whispered into your ear, glaring at all the people who looked at you weird as he carried you up to his room. More like your shared room, because you slept in there more than in your actual room.

You had gotten hurt during the game. This time, Niragi was there to help you. Some asshole had tried to use you as a shield, and you ended up getting hurt. Niragi quickly got rid of them, making sure to protect you.

He sat you on the bed, and watched you to make sure you didn't get hurt. " 'Shiya can help, can't he?'' You said, hissing in pain when you tried to move your leg. "No. That bastard isn't putting his hands on you. You're my princess," he stated. "Yours, I pinkie promised!" You reminded. You kicked your leg on reflex, and almost screamed in pain. "It hurts... pwease get 'im?" You begged, giving him the puppy dog eyes. He scowled, and then reluctantly nodded. "I would much rather you go to Ann though," he said, kissing your forehead. "But she has dead bodies down there... 's scary," you explained. "Yeah yeah.... I know sweetheart. Still... can you try and be brave?" He asked. You thought for a second, before nodding. "I can be brave!" You shouted. "But only for you," you mumbled.

It was your favorite day if the week. Not only was it Friday, and you got pancakes for breakfast, but it was also suply run day. At leat you got pancakes this week. Last week you gave them to Aguni because he helped you with one of your plants that was dying. Niragi was very confused on why you were crying over a plant, until Aguni gave him the look. You know, the dad look? The scary one when a boy goes home to pick up the daughter, and the dad is just giving the the look? Yeah, that's all it took for Niragi to leave it. And the week before you gave them to Last Boss because he got Niragi during one of your panic attacks. So that was no pancakes for two weeks. You were hoping nobody would guilt trip you or threaten you about you giving them your pancakes. It had happened before, and it would definitely happen again.

Niragi usually took you with him, unless they were going to a place he thought you would be in danger. Along with spending the day with Niragi, not having to wear a skimpy bathing suit, and eating pancakes, Niragi let you take some things back. Most of the times you picked out a stuffie, or a fluffy blanket. He also made sure you had suckers or jolly ranchers. Kuina had even once joked that his room was like a little nest for you.

"What do you mean a nest Kuina?" You questioned tilting your head to the side. "Hmm... have you ever read... no, I probably shouldn't tell you about that... like a bird's nest. The pair build a nest out of things they like so they feel safe and at home. And in the other thing I was going to mention... the... usually it's a girl, so I'm going to go with that. The female builds a nest out of clothes and things that smell like... her partner for neutrality's sake," she explained. You thought about it, and nodded slowly. ''I guess you could say that. I like the things that smell like him. Make me feel safe 'n warm," you giggled.

"Am I going with you today?" You asked him, having your fingers crossed behind your back. He nodded.

''You are st-"

"Staying right by your side or within arms reach. I know!" You interrupted, giggling at his worry. Although he wouldn't outwardly say it, you knew it was worry. "Good girl. Such a smart girl you are," he cooed. You smiled at the praise hugging him tightly. "Gi-gi..." you muttered. "Hm? What's up?" He asked. "Thank you."

You fell asleep on the way there, making Niragi be twice as much on edge. He was in the passenger seat, and you were in the back. Of course, you looked cute as always, but that's kind of what was the problem. He kept glancing back to make sure you were still there, and nothing was going on with you and the other people in the car.

"She's Niragi's girl, I wouldn't do that," he heard someone whisper in the back seat. He glared, glancing back for a second. "I don't really care... no rules, as he likes to say," he heard the other whisper back. This made him scowl in anger. You were his. And no one would dare fucking touch you. How dare this person try something while he's right in front of them. "S-suguru," you whined, still sleeping. He turned back, and glared at the person besides you. Their hand was on your inner thigh, high above where it should be. It shouldn't even be on you. "Hands off her. Now," he growled, his hand twitched trying to not reach for his gun and shoot the person. The other stared back defiantly, their hand going higher. He heard you whine his name again in your sleep. At least you were dreaming of him. But he was going to have to deal with this person. While they were next to you, he couldn't do much, as he didn't want to dirty your clothes. You had picked them out specifically for today. Specifically for him. And your beautiful face would get blood on it, he didn't want that. You looked too cute to get ruined by this person's blood all over you. "Stop the car," he told the driver. They did so, knowing that Niragi was not one to spare those who angered him. Especially when he was already pissed off. "You, out. Now. Since you think you're so good, come out here. If you're so confident, you'll be fine, no?" He asked, scowling at the man.

You stirred in your sleep, making Niragi cautious of what he did. Sure, you knew he had killed, and would continue to do so, but he never did it in front of you. If you happened to be in the room, or space, he would tell you to shut your eyes, cover your ears, and sing a little song until he came back. And you did. You were always pretty good about doing so, not wanting to trouble him with a possible panic attack. (He never minded helping you through them, and wished you would understand that.) But right now, you were asleep. And he couldn't tell you to do that.

The person got out of the car, staring at the gun. "Like that's fair," they muttered. Niragi rolled his eyes. "Life's not fair, get over it," he groaned. The person cracked their knuckles, and Niragi laughed. Like they could hurt him, he had a gun.

Boy was he wrong.

Of course, by the end, the person was no longer an issue. Dead most likely. And if not, to suffer from now until their slow, painful death. Niragi had not gone unscathed, however. The person had gotten in a few punches, making Niragi bleed.

"Fuck..." he groaned, wiping away the blood. The driver started driving again, and he heard you start to wake up. He turned in his seat, seeing you yawn, and strech. "Mornin' " you muttered. "Good morning sweetheart," he said. You rubbed your eyes, and looked at him.

"Gi-Gi! You're bleeding! You ok? Hurt? What's wrong?" You panicked, reaching out to touch him. He pushed your hands back. He didn't want your hands dirty with that disgusting person's blood. "I'm fine, you worry about yourself for now."

You held onto his hand, swinging both his and yours arms back and forth as you two walked through the abandoned mall.

"And... that's the last thing on we needed. Which shop do you want to go to now?" He asked you. You smiled widely, tugging at his hand. "Stuffies stuffies stuffies!" You giggled. He laughed, "Alright, alright. Calm down first, and we'll see what we can find."

He was always kind to you. Maybe it was the fact that you didn't make him feel alone. The fact that he didn't want to be seen as a monster by you, even if he knew he was. He could pretend. He could pretend this was back in the normal world, and that the borderlands never happened. That he had really met you at the coffee shop he went to every morning, and not during a game where you almost died. He could pretend and lie to himself that he was a good person when he was with you. Because if you left him, or even worse, you died... he knew he would go back to being alone.

And you felt safe around him. Maybe it was the fact he saved you during the game you two met in. The fact he wasn't weirded out the first time you had regressed. You loved him. Even if you knew of all the people he's killed or the things he's done. He hadn't left you to die. He hadn't hurt you, and something told you he wouldn't. He trusted you, and you trusted him. And as long as there was the feelings of love, saftey, understanding, and trust, you'd stay. This meant you'd always be with him, because there was not a doubt in your mind those feelings would always be there.

Yay, first one done! I hope you enjoyed, and please always remember to stay hydrated, and eat because you deserve it! ♡♡♡♡

#alice in borderland #niragi #×reader #fluff #🎶please don't kill me i just want to include diverse things in my writing🎶#i will write more for the rest after work tomorrow #promise

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ihavenoconsistentname · 3 years

Text

Alright semi-important rant time to give you an overview of what it's about:

-Potential TW/CW for talking about manipulation via victim complex and guilt tripping

-It's about the Crater System so if you know them guess what you need to read this

-Also mentions/talks about victim blaming

-There are mentions of telling people to off themselves/wishing death upon them and spoiler alert those two people are both 14

So be aware of that and just for scrolling's sake I'll put it under a cut

Also, this is not a "callout post" by any fucking means, it's literally just making sure people are aware that this shit happened mainly if those people are associated in any way with the Crater System.

So first of all if you feel the need to see any screenshots as "proof" for any of this by all means feel free to message me for them.

For like at least like around a year the Crater System basically used me as their personal therapist for shit about their dad often just saying random things about it and full on venting without asking if I was in the right headspace to hear it or even asking anything, and even if they did ask I would have the inability to say no, and here's why:

-I am hyper empathetic, and that has prevented me from saying "no" or saying "stop venting to me".

-They constantly said self deprecating and guilt trippy things like "I deserve the bad things happening" or "I'm such a bad person" basically just to get me to pity them and try to convince them otherwise, which severely burned out my empathy constantly.

And guess what? They reacted angrily when I was rightfully upset and TOLD THEM I could never say no because of my empathy when it should have been common sense not to vent and trauma dump TO A CHILD.

I am 14. Everyone in their system with a couple exceptions is an adult. Their system's body is 22, that is 8 fucking years older than me. I'm a child, they're whole ass adults.

They would randomly say stuff about their dad or situation as if I could do something and I never knew how to respond because it was out of nowhere. There were times when they'd throw vent paragraphs at me out of nowhere.

They often complained about wanting a 50/50 friendship but when I've accepted their vent offers, which mind you only happened like once or twice maybe 3 times, very rarely- I got responses nowhere near the level of help I tried to offer them.

One good example? When Cub let Wels vent. Kni vented about the severe attachment/detachment issues kni experiences, and Cub replied saying, and I'm quoting:

"Just try to remind yourself that this is your hormones and unstable teenage mind working against you."

If you were to look up the symptoms of BPD, and I am in no way saying any of us have it, that list of symptoms would literally give you a general idea of everything kni's been going through. All of it.

And mind you, this is a DID system failing to separate alters from their host and from the body because Wels as an individual alter is in knight's 30's and not 14 like I am and like the body is. And even if the brain being that of a 14 year old influences alters? That shit was disregarded as a teenage problem. You know why? Because "we were your age when it happened to us so that's why we think it's a teenage thing", again, quoting that word for word, and once again, failure to separate alters from the body and host. Because "your age" would be saying "we were in our 30's". Wels is not 14. I am. Wels was the one speaking. Not me.

They have such a massive victim complex and that really shows when you see how fucking often they would not shut up about what happened with someone else my age. Aka someone they also manipulated. If you were here when that was going on on my blog you'll know what I'm talking about.

I will tell you right fucking now I do not claim to have not been in the wrong just because I was manipulated into taking their side. I was not correct in doing or saying what I did and said. I reacted so fucking awfully literally victim blaming because of blind trust and I completely blame myself for that. I am not excusing any of that just because they manipulated me.

Over and over they kept bringing up that shit being guilt trippy about how "they ruined a friendship" and saying they deserved whatever bad was happening and I was so tired of hearing about it because at one point I literally regretted every single moment I was defending them because I was starting to realize I was so wrong for that.

And guess what, they would literally wish for that person, another 14 year old they literally manipulated and hurt, to be dead.

One of their alters threw a temper tantrum and told me twice to kill myself telling me once that I didn't deserve to live, that same alter saying, and I'm quoting:

"That fucker that deserves to fucking die-[name, im keeping the name out just because]- can burn in hell for all I care. He used us."

^With worse grammar/spelling that I fixed.

So that's an alter throwing a tantrum telling one 14 year old to kill himself and saying another the same age deserves to die for being a victim. There's a prime fucking example of their massive victim complex. And, how fucking ironic! They say a victim of their manipulation used them while literally using someone the same age as the other victim.

Constantly they brought it up and would either talk about how sooo fucking horrible (/s) that person was or talk about how horrible they were, and to the first I gave half asses replies acting like I agreed just to get them to shut the fuck up about it. Whole ass adults not owning up to things properly and instead being guilt trippy for the pity of another minor they got to defend them wrongfully and making themselves out to be the victim.

So even if I was technically manipulated into being on their side? I still don't take it as an excuse for myself. It isn't one.

To recap:

-They manipulated a 14 year old and played victim constantly about it

-They manipulated another 14 year old using their massive victim complex saying guilt trippy things for pity then got upset when that 14 year old who shouldn't have been used as a therapist for an adult (or adults, plural, if you want to say it that way) expressed that they were tired of it

-They had an alter disregard very serious issues someone was having as "hormones and an unstable teenage mind"

-In doing so they also failed to treat/acknowledge an adult alter as separate from the body who is a minor and the host who is a minor despite literally being a system

-They had an alter tell a 14 year old to kill themself/that they should be dead while also saying another 14 year old deserves to die for being the one they manipulated (once again playing victim)

-They repeatedly vented completely out of pocket/without asking only asking a few times but being so guilt trippy with their words that the person they forced their problems into was unable to say no to them

-And they also failed to respect the boundaries of people they hurt/affected negatively. I didn't go over this but they would not fucking let things go and insisted on trying to "apologize" to people who were trying to let it go basically refusing to leave them alone even after being told several times not to insist on doing it

If you're associated with the Crater System and you follow me, and you're going to continue to associate with them at complete will or downright ignore any of this? Leave.

I highly suggest you don't associate with them. Especially if you're a minor. I don't know who all here might know them but they're not good people and I found that out the hard way. You're literally just going to get yourself used and manipulated.

P.S. If you do talk to them and you ever get a word out of their mouths about me? Tell me.

#alex.txt #real talk #important #tw manipulation #tw death threats #i still dont know if thats the right tag

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spideyyystark · 3 years

Text

High School Reunion pt. 2 (Harrison Osterfield)

I wake up because of the sound of the tv. I slowly sit up and see my best friend watching her favorite tv show and eating cereal meanwhile.

"Seriously? Couldn't you have waited until I've woken up?" I ask her, looking at her with disbelieve. She turns around and a quick look of guilt flashes over her face.

"Oh, did I wake you up? I didn't want to, sorry." She tells me. I sigh.

"It's okay. But if you want to you can make me breakfast too." I laugh. (Y/BFF/N) looks at me surprised.

"Wow, what happened in your sleep that you're suddenly super happy? Tell me your secrets." She smiles at me, happy that I seem to be okay. But what should I say, I'm an actress. Acting is my job and passion. Obviously I'm still hurt, I mean it's been a night and nobody can heal over night. Well not that I've known.

"I don't know. But I wouldn't say no the pancakes btw." I smirk. (Y/BFF/N) shakes her head laughing and gets up to make me some.

"Thank you!" I shout while she's heading to her kitchen. After I've watched a few minutes of the show which is on I decided to check my phone. Surprised i see that I've got a message from Harrison.

Haz

Hey (Y/N), Are you okay? You and (Y/BFF/N) disappeared yesterday.

I answer him, even though I know it's definitely not a good idea.

(Y/N)

Yeah I'm good, thanks for asking.

After a minute my phone shows me that I got a new notification. I unlock my phone and it's Harrison who texted back.

Haz

Okay, that's good. Actually I wanted to ask if you maybe want to have a drink with me when you've got time. Yesterday we couldn't really finish our little chat.

(Y/N)

Yeah sure, sounds good. When are you free?

What the hell am I doing? I ask myself and really want to unsend that last message.

Haz

What about today? I would pick you up and we could go to Starbucks, just like the old times.

(Y/N)

At 5?

Haz

I'm going to be at your place. See you later.

(Y/N)

Bye

At the exact second you send your last message (Y/BFF/N) enters the room with a plate full of fresh made pancakes.

"Here you go." She says and hands it to you.

"I might have made a mistake." I say slowly.

"Okay? And what?" She asks hesitatingly.

"Maybe, just maybe, I might have agreed to go and have a drink with Harrison?" (Y/BFF/N) looks at me surprised and a little bit amused too?

"How did you ride yourself into this?" She shakes her head but I can see that she's forcing herself not to laugh.

"Well it's interesting to see that my death is funny for you." I say but I smile too, so it's okay.

"And to answer your question Haz texted me and asked me. And to be honest I don't know why I agreed so please do something to get my out if that." I beg her.

"Nope." She says.

"I think it might be good for you to talk with him. To get that whole thing finished, you know? You should tell him why you broke up and how you felt." She sits down next to me and pats my shoulder.

"If you say so." I say but I'm still not sure if it's really a good idea.

"And now, we got to prepare you!" She says and claps excitedly her hands.

"You look great!" (Y/BFF/N) says when I come out of the bathroom where i changed my clothes. We, well SHE, decided that i should dress to impress but it still shouldn't be that striking. Now I'm wearing a black high waisted jeans and a baby pink cropped shirt. I also had to clean my white Nike's because (Y/BFF/N) forced me to do it.

"You want to look nice, don't you?" Was what she kept saying all the time. Now she puts some makeup on my face but not too much, because she says it's better if I go all natural. Well, it would be, if I wouldn't wear all that makeup. I think for myself. After she finishes it she slightly curls my hair.

"And voilá!" She says and puts the curler away. I get up to look in the mirror and I must say that she's done a great job.

"Thank you, (Y/BFF/N)!" I say and hug her tightly. She laughs and hugs me back.

"Anytime." She frees herself out of my grip and escorts me to the door.

"Harrison should be here any minute now. And don't mess it up, okay?" She looks at me and I can see that she really cares about me. How sweet.

"I'll try my best." I assure her and hug her a last time before my phone rings. It's Harrison. (Y/BFF/N) nods to the door and I go out.

There I can see Harrison waiting in his car. I wave awkwardly and get in the passenger seat.

"Hey (Y/N)." He says smiling. He obviously checks me out and then starts the car.

"You look good." I'm really surprised that he checked me out. I mean, he has a girlfriend!

"Uh, thanks. You look not that bad yourself." I tell him and I'm not even wrong with that. Harrison wears a shirt I bought him when we were still in a relationship and normal jeans. We drive in silent and after about 10 minutes we arrive at our old Starbucks. I haven't been there since we broke up because everything reminded me of him.

"Here you go." he says and opens the door for me.

"You know, I can open a door by myself, right?" We walk into the Starbucks and sit down on our usual table. The Starbucks didn't change at all. It has still the same chairs and tables, even the same decoration and employees.

"Am I stupid or didn't this place didn't change over the years?" Harrison asks me and speaks my thoughts.

"I think both." Harrison punches my arm lightly and I laugh.

"What do you want? It's on me." He stands up and waits for me to say what I want.

"You don't have to-" I start but he's interrupting me.

"But I want. Now what do you want?"

Still surprised I tell him my usual Starbucks order and he goes and gets it. After a few minutes he comes back and hands me my cup.

"Thanks." I say and take a sip.

Slowly we start talking and it feels kind of like old times. Well except that he has a girlfriend who isn't me.

"So, how's Chloe?" I ask suddenly.

"Who's Chloe?" Harrison looks at me confused.

"You know, Chloe, your GIRLFRIEND?" I tell him. Harrison face palms.

"Yeah, right, Chloe. She's fine. Can we not talk about her please."

"Why?" Now I am the confused one. Harrison avoids looking at me and plays with the cup in his hand. I raise a eyebrow. Finally Harrison looks up. On his face is a kind of embarrassed look.

"I think I've got to tell you something." He says.

"Okay?" Im not really sure what to expect.

"Well- uh- that's harder than I thought." He stops and takes a deep breath.

"Chloe doesn't exit." He confesses.

"And why did you make her up?" I ask. I'm still not sure what I should think about this.

"To see how you react? And once I mentioned it I couldn't just, I don't know, 'delete' her." He sighs.

"The thing is, I guess I'm still not over you. I understand when you don't want to date me again, you're the one who broke up with me and I never knew why." Now he looks so sad, a bit like a lost puppy. Oh how much I'd want to hug him now.

"I broke up with you because you were never at home. You were always with Tom and when you've been there you went away a few days later again. And I just couldn't live like this anymore." I don't look at him while I'm saying this.

"(Y/N)." Harrison says softly and causes me to look up at him. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I guess I didn't want you to stop traveling because of me. You loved going with Tom and I didn't want you to choose between him and I."

Tears start forming in my eyes but I force myself not to cry.

"Maybe, and only if you want to, we could start over?" Harrison asks and looks at me waiting for my answer.

"But what about the traveling? It would end like last time."

"You could travel with us! Tom wouldn't mind and unless you don't have to shot something you can always come with us." Harrison says excited.

"In that case, I'd love to start over." I smile at him.

#tom holland #harrison osterfeild x reader #harrison osterfeild imagine #harrison osterfield #imagine #tom holland imagine

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one-abuse-survivor · 4 years

Note

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken.

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl.

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't.

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph!

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

#Anonymous #Vent #Ask #Abuse tw #Abuse #Abusive parents #Emotional abuse #Long post #Threats #Guilt tripping #guilt tripping tw #Threats tw #therapy mention #christianity mention #neglect mention #(I'm nonbinary btw but it's not like my grandfather knows or would care 🙃)

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joonyverse · 5 years

Text

The President - Baekhyun (EXO) (Part 4)

Summary: Being the youngest Minister is not easy, especially when it seems like the whole world is trying to go against you. Proving yourself is proven to be a difficult thing. But things had to get even more tangled when dark pasts are coming out, and truths are being unveiled

A/N: OHYMYGOD! IM SO SO SO SORRY FOR THE VERY LONG DUE UPDATE! I’ve seen your messages too, and THANK YOU for the loves and support! I just finished my exam early this month and I admit that perhaps I’ve been procrastinate a lot hjjh, this chapter doesn’t really involve lots of bh x reader moments, but i hope you guys enjoy it? ;-; im so sorry i havent write in so long, so im in the process of getting use to it all over again...

Genre: Drama, romance, fluff, angst

Warning: Age-gap (10 years), some curses, bad english, grammar error, unedited

notes: yln = your last name, yfn = your full name

masterlist

Byun Baekhyun x Female Readers

If you’re uncomfortable with age-gap relationship, please just scroll through it

Flashes of images went through your vision. Sounds of children crying and screaming filling your head. The heat from the fire, it feels like it’s gonna burn your skin. All of those feels so close yet so far. It goes so slow yet so fast. The images and sensation overwhelm you to no end.

And suddenly, it’s all stopped. The images of bus on fire, the children screaming, it’s like everything is just in the background and a white noise.

Instead, you saw a little girl looking around feeling helpless and devastated. You can see her screaming weakly for help. Tears were streaming down her face. Her little arms keep shaking the man beside her, trying to wake him up. She keeps asking for the man to wake up yet the man shows no sign of it. Every once in a while, she weakly screams for help to people around her, and really you tried. You tried to reach for her, yet you can’t. It’s like you weren’t even there. Desperately, you tried to reach for other people to help the poor little girl to no avail. Everyone were busy. With everything in you, you run to her. Run to her despite no moves were being made.

Until finally, you saw two hands reaching for her. Holding her and taking her away. You see her trying hard to get out of the grasp, reaching for the man that still laying still. She cried even harder. And suddenly, it’s like you were being picked up from underwater, her voice sounds clear to you. “Please help my dad! Dad! Dad!” she screams.

And suddenly, something exploded, right before your eyes. You want to scream, screaming for help. But you can’t It’s like something is blocking your voice cord from doing so. Until your visions went white and it turns to black.

A faint sound of beeping in certain type of rhythm caught your hearings. Sounds of people in rush too. And suddenly, you can feel the stiffness of your body.

You tried to move your fingers, a simple move that seems very difficult at the moment. Slowly, you opened your eyes. Blinding light of the room immediately greeting you, making you frown and closed your eyes again, trying to get used to the bright light.

The smell of some kind of chemical hit your smelling bud. You stare at your surrounding, taking it all in, trying to remember what had happened.

Suddenly the door to your room opened. Your eyes shoot at the intruder.

“Oh? You’ve wake up” Mina said to you as she entered the room.

You sighed and rubbed your eyes slowly. “What happened?” You asked, your voice hoarse and your throat feels dry.

Mina hands you a glass of water, that you gladly accept.

“You don’t remember?” Mina asked as she took a seat beside you.

“Only fragments? I can only remember the smell of gasoline and fire and the heat” you said.

“You and your impulsiveness... you were face to face with an almost death situation” Mina said while shaking her head. “You helped those kids in the bus” she added.

Slowly, the memories start coming back. Your eyes widened in realization.

“Those kids, they’re all saved right?” You said, panic starts to kicking in.

Mina held your arms, trying to calm you down. But the stare she gave you, it held so many meanings that you know so well.

“8 casualties...” Mina said, her voice getting quieter.

You froze in your bed. Despite knowing you can’t do anything about them, guilts till eating you alive, making you feel somehow responsible about it.

“Nothing you can do y/n, you tried your best, nothing you can do,” Mina explained in the most comforting way she could.

“What about the others? And the man?” You asked.

“Fortunately, they survived, some got serious burn, but most are just light wounds, the man is also alright” Mina explained. “Listen, I’m gonna tell the doctor you woke up okay?” She asked which earned a light nod from you.

The doctor came into your room with two nurses by his side. Checking up on you. Fortunately, nothing serious happened, you just inhale too much carbon monoxide and other chemicals that you don’t bother to remember. Even more fortunate, he said they can discharge you in three days if your health keep improving like the estimation.

You are just glad that you can escape this place and dive more into the job.

Suddenly you got reminded of the vision, or dream, that you saw. Something about it makes you feel distraught. Something about it makes you feel a missing part in you. Trying to ignore them, you decide to turn on your phone, diving into the internet to see what’s up and what have you missed.

As soon as the phone turned on, so many notifications came up, most of them are friends, plenty from family. Your mom missed called you once, and honestly speaking, it’s not surprising.

One message though, particularly caught your eyes. It’s the most recent one. From your mom.

“I knew there’ll always be something to be disappointed for from you” was written across the screen.

Your heart can’t help but clench. It shouldn’t bother you, it shouldn’t bother you when it had happen for so many times that you should have get used to it by now but you don’t.

You immediately come up to the internet though, wondering what makes your mom send you such message.

“Minister of Transportation and Communication is Faking Her Heroic Action?”

Was written on big sized fonts. An article that finally beat the ‘President and Minister are dating’ article.

“It was found that maybe the Minister is faking her heroic action for publicity purpose, and even, staged the whole scenario”

You can’t even believe what you’re reading with your own two eyes. Who was in their right mind and heart to write such things? 8 people died and they said it’s all a scheme?

“We hope sincerely the President will give thoughts on replacing his Minister, or perhaps, Lover”

You scoffed. You can feel the anger is one step away from crossing your limit. You felt tears are building in your eyes. You felt thankful at Mina for leaving the room at that time. You felt so ridiculed. You haven’t even work properly, yet people are already accusing you of such things. They just… haven’t seen what you capable of.

You see that the rest of article are just sub-writing that article. The comments are mostly curses and death wishes. This is one hell of a tough start for you, you’ve realized.

Mina who was just entering the room can’t help but notice the frown on your face. Gently, she took the phone from your hold. Your hands instinctively reach up for it.

“I’m not finished!” You whined at her.

“Rest, we don’t need this kind of negativity while on recovery” Mina said as she put your phone on the bedside table, a little bit further than your reach.

The knock on the door stole both of your attentions. Both of your heads shot up at it.

“A guest?” You asked.

“No one really saying anything about visiting except your family” Mina said, as she gave you a slight shrug.

Mina walked towards the door and opened it. Her eyes are furrowed in confusion. “Mr. Lee?” She called out.

��There’s a card and a basket of fruits from the President” Mr Lee said with his monotonous tone before he handed said things to Mina.

Mina muttered a small thank you before she closed the door and walked back towards you.

She handed you the card and left the basket on your bedside table.

“Who was that?” You asked while slowly opening the card.

“Oh? He was Mr. Byun’s chauffeur” Mina answered despite the lack attention from you since your eyes were already on the card.

A simple “Get well soon” was written on the card. You can’t help but scoffed and rolled your eyes. You appreciate the effort he gave though. But still, it’s a classic and textbook kind of kindness, and for some reason, it kind of annoyed you.

“I’m his minister for goddamn sake...” you muttered under your breath. Of course that was heard by Mina, which earned a chuckle from her.

You felt unfairly treated. You are still his minister no matter how many things had happened between you both in a matter of days. You should be treated with respect, and yet... he doesn’t even bother. Not that you care.

Reaching for the TV remote, you turn it on. Continuously changing the channel, nothing in particular caught your eyes. When suddenly you came across a headline.

“Minister’s Fake Heroic Action”

You scoffed. Feeling absolutely ridiculed. But you can’t lie that it’s actually caught your attention. And so you turn up the volume, curiosity picking in on what those people had to say.

What caught your attention more was the statement the president himself about to make.

“So far, we’ve been informed by the medical team that Minister y/l/n got minor injuries but thankfully nothing serious” Baekhyun said into the mic, his voice and expression was stern. “I can assure you that we will get to the bottom of this incident, together with Miss Y/l/n, we will solve this case” he added.

For some reason Baekhyun mentioning your name bring a slight smile to your day. It feels good in some way having someone to be on your side, trusting you, when it feels like the whole world doesn’t.

People was crowding the hospital’s entrance as it was the day you got discharged. Questions were asked here and there, of course all asking about what had happened in the incident. It was difficult to walk to enter your car when people keep pushing towards you to get closer, despite the securities surrounding you. After successfully entering the car, Mina kindly handled the situation, and you can’t be more thankful to her.

“Where to, Ma’am?” Your chauffeur asked.

“The president’s residence please”

His house was… well he’s a president, his house is just what you expect. A grand scale you could say, especially for someone who lives alone. Black, white, and grey are the colors that seem to decorate the house that feels more like a castle you would say. The smell of teakwood hit the smelling sense as soon as you stepped in. His housekeepers greeting whoever the guests that came to his house. A hint smell of some dishes entering your nose too, probably came from the dining room that’s not very far from the entrance. The man probably get hungry as soon as he finished work and enter the comfort of his house you thought.

“Ah, Miss y/l/n” Baekhyun said as he greeted you. “My cooks made us some foods to talk over with, would you like to eat?” He offered.

You gave him a small smile, alas not genuine. “Sure thing, Mr. Byun” you said, accepting his offer. Truth be told, you were hungry for some real food, not some bland hospital food.

You stepped into his dining room. As expected, his cook was there, greeting you with a smile. “Nice meeting you, Ma’am” his cook said. Your eyebrow raised in wonder. The image of warm homemade food come into your vision. You can’t help but gulping. You really can’t wait to devour them all. The smell of cream soup, truffle, and some other herbs filling your smelling sense.

Baekhyun who seems to notice your hunger state can’t help but chuckle. He might has some rivalry going on with you, but staring at the woman who usually keep her emotions covered and buried inside, and always seem to be calm, suddenly looking like a starve woman who hasn’t ate for years, it was an amusing sight.

“Please sit down, you can eat” Baekhyun said, with a slight tease in his tone.

You got embarrassed at the fact you can’t hide your hunger. Slight blush creeping up your cheeks. You chuckled. “I’m sorry, hospital foods were terrible” you said.

“Oh, I know very well, Miss y/l/n” Baekhyun said, his voice sounded a little bit solemn, hinting at something that you can’t pinpoint.

“So, why did you ask me to come sir?” You asked as you sit down, with Baekhyun following afterwards.

“I have something to discuss with you miss Y/l/n” He answered as he picked up his spoon. “It’s about the incident” he added.

You swallowed your food, which by the way tastes amazing, you almost moan from the taste itself, before answering him. “Don’t worry, I’ll get into it sir” you reassured.

“It’s not about that” he said as soon as you finished your sentences. Your head instantly shot up at him. He looked somewhat distressed, and you can see him trying to hide it. “I’m going to form a special team for it” he added.

His voice somewhat have this very serious tone. You knew this was a serious situation, but something in his voice, it’s like there’s something that he’s hiding from you. “With all due respect sir, I think my team back at my office can handle this well” you said carefully, tip-toeing around eggshells.

You can see his frown from your seat despite him still having his head down at his food. “Y/n, listen to me for this one and obey me, I don’t want to argue about this, we’re going to make a special team, that’s it” he said. The wrinkles on his forehead showed the distress he’s going through.

Honestly, you wanted to go against his order, knowing very well that this is something that you and your team can handle, and the fact this might be your chance to prove yourself, you won’t miss that chance. But you knew very well that he has something to hide, and honestly, for some reason you kind of pitied him.

“Right” you said simply. “So, what do you want me to do about it? Do you want me to gather people or?”

“Come here again tomorrow, 8pm”

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thetruecaptain-blog · 6 years

Text

if I could learn to let go

This is my first attempt at a fic - like, ever - and I'm a nervous wreck but here goes! I catch myself often thinking about what Naomi went through when Marco first took Filip from her. I decided to try my hand at writing it out as I imagine it may have happened. This is the first of what’s likely to be several chapters, and has heavy Nemesis Games spoilers, as I’ve used her memories in NG to sketch out the events.

Special shout out to @perrinmywolf for reading this over ahead of time and giving me some constructive criticism, as well as just generally listening to my constant flailing/anxious ramblings. Also, thanks @the-roci for your kind and encouraging words, they really helped me get past the worst of my nerves!

I’d appreciate kudos/comments on AO3 if you can! Especially comments, as I’d love to know what you think of this. You’ll also find the Belter Creole translations there.

Gone

Naomi wakes from a dreamless sleep to an empty bed. The events of the night before are a blur but the one thing she remembers - the one thing that’s stuck - is the resolve. It’s the first time since the death of the Augustin Gamarra that Naomi has felt anything but guilt and despair. Her certainty is like a boulder standing fast against the current. It’s the only thing that keeps her from drowning.

‘We’re leaving. Filip unte mi.’

Marco had been calmer than she’d expected when she told him. He’d been angry, she could see it in the way his jaw hardened, the way his eyes went sharp and hard like flint. Heard it in that clipped Belter cant. But he hadn’t argued.

‘You’re tired. Not thinking straight. Sleep on it. Talk more tomorrow.’

Then he’d left, closing the door softly behind him.

In the darkness, Naomi presses her palms briefly against her eyes and draws in a slow, steady breath. There’s a knot of anxiety and anticipation in her chest. The decision to leave wasn’t an easy one to make, but it’s right. Her life is here, and the people she has come to see as family. Filip’s family. But she can’t look at them anymore, can’t even look at herself. Out is the only way. She reaches for her hand terminal, taps the display to check the time. With a sharp gasp she sits upright, calls for the lights. She's already scrambling off the bed to Filip's crib, her heart beating like a bird fluttering wildly against the bars of its cage.

The crib is empty.

No, no, no.

Naomi fumbles with her hand terminal, opens a connection to Marco. Seconds later - too many seconds - his handsome face fills the screen. His eyes crinkle at the corners the way they do when he smiles at her. The sight of it used to flush her with warmth but now it makes her feel nauseated.

"Filip is-"

"I took him," Marco cuts her off, leans in closer to his display the way he does when he wants to make the conversation feel more intimate. Except now Naomi suspects that Marco doesn’t want her to know where is. “Wanted you to rest.”

"Kepelésh to?" She manages to make it sound casual, to her own ears at least, but she's gripping her hand terminal so hard that her fingers ache. Where is my son?

"Don't you worry about that," Marco answers with another of his disarming smiles. Naomi's heart sinks and she wants to scream, wants to shout at him to tell her where he is so she can go to them. So she can go to her son. “Take the day to rest. Talk more tonight.”

He ends the transmission without waiting for a response and Naomi is left standing next to Filip’s crib. The silence is deafening. For nearly a year she has been surrounded by Filip's sounds - his coos and laughter, the way he clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth and giggles. The quiet noises he makes even in his sleep. Helplessness settles over her like a great weight, makes her shoulders sag. She's trembling and can't tear her eyes away from Filip’s crib, as if somehow that will make him reappear.

They'll be back. Tonight, Marco said. He took Filip to give her time to rest. He just wants to talk.

She can't stop shaking.

------

When the door opens Naomi is waiting, her eyes sliding over and past Marco in search of Filip's chubby cheeks and curly dark hair. She's already reaching for him, ready to swoop him up and press sloppy kisses to his neck in the way that makes him squeal with laughter and delight. She aches to hold him, a need that manifests itself in the tightness that sits in her chest.

He's the only thing pure and good left in her life.

Marco steps into their little hole alone and closes the door. Naomi stops and draws back, frowning because Filip isn't there. She even cranes her head to look around Marco as if Filip is somewhere behind him, an irrational gesture but one she can't help. She feels a bubble of panic but swallows it down, forces herself to meet Marco's eyes. He's watching her with something that might have been sympathy. Not long ago Naomi would have interpreted the tilt of his lips as earnest, but now she sees smugness.

"You said-" she starts, but Marco cuts her off by raising a hand.

"That we'd talk tonight," he says, his tone both firm and placating. He steps forward to close the distance between them. Her instinct is to retreat and it's obvious in the way she leans away from him. She tastes something toxic and bitter. This closeness he forces between them; once it felt like intimacy.

Now, she feels trapped.

He puts one hand on her shoulder, lifts the other to stroke his thumb down her chin and looks into her eyes as though they're sharing a moment. His voice is soft and sad when he speaks. "Much to talk about. Sit." He gestures to the bed, the only piece of furniture in their small rental other than Filip's plastic crib. Naomi remains rooted in place, casting another glance at the door as if it can tell her what Marco has done with their child. Marco squeezes her shoulder. She blinks and forces her gaze back to him.

"Where is Filip?"

"Don't worry yourself." There is a light in Marco's eyes that Naomi never noticed before, or perhaps she didn't want to. It's triumphant, as if she's saying exactly what he anticipates. She has the sudden impression that this is all a scene Marco has already written and she’s playing her role perfectly.

"I want-"

Marco puts a finger to her lips to cut her off a second time. He steps forward again, this time to force her to move back toward the bed. "I know. Need to talk, like I said. Sit."

Stubbornness surges through her. She stands fast, pulling her shoulder back out of his grip. She lifts her chin, meets his eyes, opens her mouth to argue that she has every right to know where Filip is. Something shifts in Marco's expression. His jaw hardens, his head cants slightly to one side. She isn't sticking to his script and it isn't acceptable. His hand reaches for her again, this time curling around her upper arm to dig his fingers painfully into her flesh. Without further comment Marco steers her over to the mattress.

Naomi sits. She perches on the edge of the bed with her feet flat on the floor as if she’s ready to bolt at the first opportunity. She has to twist her fingers together to keep from fidgeting. Dread sits heavy in the pit of her stomach.

"We're worried about you, setara." We ? A faint frown creases her brow but Naomi remains silent. She senses that he's building up to a carefully rehearsed monologue. He won't take kindly to any interruptions. Everything Marco does is deliberate, planned, as if life is simply a play that he's writing as he goes. Naomi, like everyone else, is nothing more than a supporting actor meant to make Marco Inaros shine.

Why did it take people dying for her to see it?

He crouches in front of her to look up into her face with pity and sorrow, his hands coming to rest on her knees. "You haven't been right. Haven't been taking care of yourself. Hardly eating or sleeping. Everyone sees. Now you want to leave. You aren’t well." His hand comes up to brush a strand of curly dark hair away from her eyes and there is such love and concern on his face that Naomi almost believes it. Wants to believe. She feels the tightness in her chest move up to her throat, feels the tears pool in the corners of her eyes.

He isn’t wrong. It's all she can do to get through the day. Two-hundred and thirty-four people dead. Filip is her only light.

"I want my son." The words spill out before she can stop them. She meant to make it a demand but it comes out as a desperate plea instead. She hates herself for being so weak. Her hands grab hold of Marco's. “Where’s Filip?“

Marco's eyes are full of sorrow. His lips are smug.

“Séf.” Seconds pass in silence as this sinks in and she understands what he’s saying. What he’s not saying. You tried to take him, so I took him first. Something large shifts in Naomi’s chest and it’s like her insides have turned to water. A wave of vertigo hits her as her blood pressure drops and then spikes again. She pulls her hands away from Marco’s and twists her fingers into the thin blanket she’s sitting on, an attempt to counteract the sensation that she’s spinning wildly out of control.

When she doesn’t speak Marco rises and turns to sit on the bed beside her. “You’re not thinking straight.” He tilts his head to look at her with an expression that is a perfectly rehearsed mix of pity and sorrow. “First year of motherhood im mal, ya? Like you náterash, nating ta hold you down.” He spreads his hands and it’s all Naomi can do not to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he tells her where Filip is. She feels a scream rise in her throat and swallows forcefully, then focuses on breathing in and out through her nose. “Im kowl gut. It’s okay to need help.” He takes her chin in his hand, lifts her head so she’s forced to meet his gaze. “Won’t let you take my son.” His voice hardens and his dark eyes go cold, dangerous as they bore into hers. Naomi feels a shiver wash through her. She shouldn’t have told him. Should have left when she could.

“Where is Filip?” It comes out hardly louder than a whisper.

Marco stares at her long enough that she knows he wants to make her uneasy. Intimidate her. Naomi can’t feel anything but the need to know where her child is.

“Trying to be supportive, mi,” Marco says with a heavy sigh, as though he can’t imagine why she’s being so difficult. He stands and paces across the little room, then turns again to face her with his hands spread in a helpless gesture. Except nothing about Marco Inaros is helpless. It’s an act. Has it all been an act? From the very start? “Wan da sheng? Pains me to say,” he pauses, looks at her for a long stretch that is full of regret, like he doesn’t want to hurt her. “Can’t trust you with Filipito, not like this.” He gestures to her and Naomi is made hyper-aware of how she must look to him. Pale face, dark circles under haunted eyes. She must have lost weight in the past weeks because she can hardly stand to look at food, let alone eat it.

“I would never hurt him.” It should have been a statement full of certainty and strength and anger that he would suggest otherwise, but her voice wavers as if she’s on the edge of breaking. Something shifts in Marco’s eyes - a flash of triumph, and Naomi realizes she’s walked right into a trap she had no idea he was setting.

“But you would take him from his father? Rip his family apart because you can’t deal with your own felota? Think that won’t hurt him?” You’re selfish. He doesn’t say it, but he doesn’t have to. “Need to get your emotions under control, Naomi. No good to him like this, you.”

“Ya. Ya, you’re right.” Naomi stands, moving toward Marco with her hands raised in supplication. “We’ll stay. I’ll stay.” Her hands are shaking and she knows she looks desperate, pitiful. She can’t stop herself. Doesn’t care . Just wants her son back. “He hasn’t been away from me like this. He needs me. Fodagut.” She can feel the tears now, falling freely down her cheeks. She’s breaking apart. He’s broken her. Is breaking her. “Fodagut.”

Marco shakes his head and purses his lips, looks at her the way a person might look at a lost puppy. He’s moved to the door, one hand already lifted to slide it open. “Take some days, get it together. Mi gonya kom wámotim. Then we talk.”

Then he’s gone. Naomi sinks to the floor because her legs have gone too weak to support her. A sob escapes her, a quiet, broken sound that seems to echo in the too-empty hole. Should have seen this coming. Should have seen it all.

There’s no one to blame but herself.

#nemesis games spoilers #naomi nagata #fic: naomi nagata #the expanse fic #marco inaros #filip inaros #nic fic #it was hard writing this younger version of naomi #the one that doesn't already know marco is full of shit #i imagine she learned pretty quickly #long post

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conflictedrabbit · 7 years

Text

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there.

___:

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___:

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff:

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff:

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?}

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___:

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff:

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___:

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___:

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___:

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff:

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___:

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___:

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff:

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff:

Wow i want to die!

___:

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___:

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___:

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff:

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___:

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff:

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___:

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff:

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___:

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff:

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff:

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___:

M. E

66ccff:

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___:

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff:

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:. They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me:

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___:

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff:

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___:

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff:

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___:

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff:

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___:

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___:

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff:

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff:

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff:

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___:

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___:

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff:

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___:

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff:

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___:

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___:

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___:

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___:

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff:

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff:

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___:

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff:

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff:

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___: it's really weird

66ccff:

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___:

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff: o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff: i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff: :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff: oh yeah

....

66ccff:

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff: ___ we are so fucked ___:

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

#1-#2-#3-#4-#5-#a bloo bloo bloob #avpd #ok done editing tumblr posted it b4 i was ready but yea

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the-real-anywolf · 7 years

Text

Choose Your Own Ending

Alright, so for shits and gigs Any and I started texting as Dean and Cas while I was crazy white girl wasted. And Any thought let's post it on our blog and get our readers to write the narrative of what happens next. So let's do this! Reblog this craziness with your narrative, and we’ll reblog it with the corresponding texts between Dean and Cas after your narrative. So on and so forth. No word length requirement or anything, let's choose your own ending this bitch!

Cas: Hello Dean, I heard you are drunk. Do you need assistance to get home to the bunker?

Dean: Nah cas man I'm still drinking but thanks fir pretty texting me.

You should vine drunk text with me?

Come not vine

Fuck you autocorrect you were supposed to have my back l!!

Cas: I'm confused. You want me to come or you want to text me while inebriated?

Dean: Lolol come drink with me cas!

I'm at a place called bam bam's im peeyyy sure it's a gay bar

Like all the couples are two dudes or two chicks

Why do people hate gay people I mean it doesn't make sense

Cas: Humans have always been inclined to fear what they don't understand. Other humans are brave though and decide to love instead of hate. The nice voice on my phone says I can be with you in thirty minutes.

Dean: You're the fucking best man I ever tell you that? The fucking best

Cas: Thank you, Dean. Although I'm not sure why you said that.

Dean: Cuz you deserve yo hear it cas I don't tell you enough

Oh man a guy asked my drunk ass to dance lol

Cas: What guy?

Dean: No idea some guy. Might have said yes if I wasn't there sheets to the fucking wind I don't think I could stand if I tried

Cas: I see. I thought you're only interested in women.

Dean: Supposed to be but can you keep a secret

Cas: Of course.

Dean: I think dudes are hot too I think about it sometimes

What it would be like to fuck a guy

Cas: Is that something you want to try at some point?

Dean: I don't know it scares me too

Cas: Why does it scare you?

Dean: Not supposed to

Cas: It sounds like you don't apply the same rules you have for others to yourself

Dean: Right? It's okay for others but I can't because you gotta be tough Dean. Big boys don't cry over scraping their goddamn knees. Quit your crying. You know who cries? Babies. Shut up Dean men are supposed to be men not girls.

After so many years of that cas I kinda hate that the bigoted words of a dead man still makes me a terrified child

Cas: But you aren't a child anymore, Dean. You are a man that makes his own decisions, has his own life. You are brave and strong and you saved the world a few times. You should do what feels right in your heart. You should do things that makes you happy because there is no one in the world, who I believe, deserves it more than you do, Dean.

Dean: I deserve to get my sick sucked by a blue eyed twink? lol Dick not sick lol

Cas: I only understood half of that, but sure – you should do whatever makes you happy.

What is a twink?

Dean: I was laughing that you casicslly implied that I deserve to have sex with a dude

A twink is a like younger dude, smaller frame, at least if you go by queer as folk

Don't tell Sammy I've watched it

Cas: Of course I won't tell him. So you like men who are smaller than you with blue eyes?

Dean: Maybe

Cas: What else do you find attractive?

Dean: I like nice lips

Cas: Aren't all lips nice?

Dean: Nah man some are like thin and not soft

Nice lips means better kissers usually

You have nice lips You probably are really good at kissing

Cas: I don't know. I lack the experience. But thank you.

I think you have nice lips, too.

Dean: Some people are naturally good at it

And thanks. Been told a time or two I know my way around a French kiss

Cas: How can a kiss be french?

Dean: Lolol sometimes I forget you're an angel

It's when you use you tongue when you kiss

Cas: I wasn't aware there was an expression for that. Kissing is nice.

Dean: Right? I mean if I had to choose between kissing and sex I'd seriously contemplate it for a minute before choosing sex lolol

Cas: Good that you never have to choose. You can always have both. I would like to experience that again.

Preferably without being tortured and stabbed to death afterwards.

Dean: Fuck man yeah sex is supposed to not end in death usually

You haven't fucked anyone since that bitch?

Cas: No. To be honest I lost interest in it after that experience.

Dean: I'm not surprised but I promise normal sex ends good usually

Cas: I'm not good at this, getting to know people. And I don't want to do it with someone I don't know. And since I'm not human. It's not ideal.

Dean: I get that. Anyone you do actually know you want to do it with?

Cas: Yes. But that person isn't an option.

Dean: Why not?

Cas: Because I don't want to do anything that could risk the friendship I have with that person. I can't lose them. It's not an option.

Dean: I get that man, sex fucks shit up

That's why I don't fuck people I actually care about

Not anymore

Cas: It's probably a wise decision. It would make it so much worse to lose that person, once you would know how nice it is to be with them. So now you see why I can't have sexual intercourse with anyone. I don't want to do it with someone I don't know. But I'm also not brave enough to do it with someone I have feelings for.

Dean: Man that's fucked cas but I get it

I had a sex dream about you once

Fuck man I must be drunk telling you shit like that

Sorry ignore me

How far out are you now

Cas: Ten minutes. Don't worry, Dean. I'm aware that dreams are nothing humans have control over. I know it doesn't mean anything.

Dean: I've thought about it but like I said, I care about you so no sex for us

Which sucks cuz I bet you're fucking good in the sack too

Fuck tell me to stop texting you

Cas: Does that mean you would have sex with me if you didn't care about me?

Dean: Weird huh? Maybe if I ever got the balls to pick up a guy? If you and I didn't know each other, yeah. I'd probably hit on you

Cas: I would have let you.

Dean: You said you wouldn't bang someone you don't know lol

Cas: If you and I didn't know each other, I'm sure I would be a different person today. And you were always the only person who I would make an exception for.

Dean: Would work wouldn't it? You could get laid with me since you won't hook up with who you have a thing for. I'd get to see if I even like it. Too bad we're friends huh?

Cas: Yes. It's too bad. Five minutes.

Dean: Well if you ever change your mind

Fuck it right?

You only live once? Well, more than that for us

Cas: I thought you wouldn't have sex with someone you cared for?

Dean: I shouldn't Doesn't mean I don't want to

Cas: I understand that feeling more than you think. But Dean, you're not an option for me.

Dean: Yeah I am! You know me!

Cas: Yes, I do. But listen to me, Dean. You are not an option.

Dean: Sorry man I'm assuming you'd find me attractive you probably don't lol

Cas: You're infuriatingly dense when you're inebriated.

Don't make me say it, Dean.

Dean: Why you scared cas? Am I the person you don't want to lose friendship to

Cas: Yes.

Dean: If we just had sex who's to say we'd stop being friends

We kept it casual then there'd be no loss of friendship

Cas: It wouldn't be casual for me.

Dean: Alright then

Cas: I'm sorry. I never wanted to tell you this.

Dean: It's fine cas. I don't get it but it's fine

Cas: I have feelings for you.

Dean: No I mean I got that. I don't get why you do

Cas: You really have to ask, after everything we've been through together? After everything you've done for me? After all the times you saved me, opened my eyes, taught me how to live?

Dean: Cas I'm the worst person you could develop feelings for

For all those good things I've done just as many bad things

Cas: Dean, I can't change the way I feel and no matter how you see yourself and how much guilt you carry on your shoulders, it won't change the way I see you. I'm in the parking lot. I hope you still want me as your friend, knowing this. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable. I'm not expecting anything. I never did.

Dean: You're my best friend that won't ever change. Get your ass in here and let's drink till we can't feel feelings anymore

Cas: I’ll be there in a minute.

Dean: I'm at the bar.

(Five minutes later)

Dean: Cas you bailing?

Cas: I don’t know. I can’t seem to leave the car.

Dean: I'm not gonna bite you

Cas: I’m not afraid of you biting me, Dean.

Dean: What are you scared of then?

Cas: I’m not sure. Mostly of myself. It’s hard to explain.

Dean: Want me to come to you?

Cas: I’m indecisive. Talking like this is somehow easier.

Dean: Right? I'm way more honest in texts And when I'm ducked up

Cas: I’m afraid when I see you now that I would do something stupid.

Dean: That's what alcohols for Let's not think about that shit

Come have a shot with me and I'll dare you to buy a drink for someone and you'll just do it to shut me up but then you'll laugh and take more shots

Cas: My grace isn’t at its best at the moment. I could get intoxicated, too.

Dean: Hell yeah even better

Let's get stupid and then you'll not feel as weird about telling me

You're a hilarious drunk

Cas: What if I try to kiss you? People do stupid things when they are intoxicated.

Dean: You've never tried to kiss me before. And fuck it if you do

Cas: I intended to drive you home. I can’t do that when I’m inebriated, too. How would we get home?

Dean: There's a motel a block over well just grab a room for the night. Get your ass in here

Cas: Alright.

#fanifiction #fun #interactive #destiel

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kyandice · 7 years

Text

How I wish there were more of such humans that would do this and go the extra mile for their friends. It's not even like what, an extra mile, they are just doing what they should do and what a normal human being should do.

people should know how much impact they could have on other person’s life. As for me, those secondary school boys should know better.

I don't believe in God, but this is reassuring. If only people would say this to me. Maybe I should start believing in God. At least maybe for once, I know my worth. 13 reasons why may be not liked due to some controversial stuff like it's promoting suicide and what not. But we also can learn a thing or two from there. Watch "13 Reasons Why" and you'll realize just how important every little thing you say to someone really is. be kind, it could save a life.

We all tried to get help. It's just all about the people who listened, people who cared, people who made you feel loved, people who made you feel worthy of something. And you never know whats really going on with other peoples lives, so don't be mean. For all you know, they might die the next moment and words spread and people know it’s because of you, you'll live the rest your life with guilt. I would personally kill myself, and before I do that, ill spread the word about those who drive me into this. Sure, revenge will be made, they cant have a stable life, they'll live their lives with guilt. I'm not condoning suicide, I know it's wrong and people shouldn't do it. But I've been considering this as an option since I was in secondary school and the only things stopping me is just me having no courage to actually carry everything out. There's Bryan, I don't want to hurt him either.

Other people criticize the character of Hannah and say that she is as bad as the rest of them for pinning her death on them, knowing the devastating effects this will have on them for the rest of their lives. BUT YO, sometimes, revenge just had to be made to show the world the consequences of bullying or merely being mean. Hanna is not perfect, im not perfect, I would've done the same. she's not an angelic figure who does no wrong. Hannah is a flawed character. The show isn't about how the good girl got her revenge against the cruel bullies. The show is about how everything affects everyone. And if teenagers are able to take one message from the show, it's that their actions can have serious consequences, no matter how insignificant they may seem to them. Hannah is bullied in the show, but not the way television and movies normally portray bullying. This isn't the big kids shoving the small kid in the locker. This isn't the jock robbing the nerd's lunch money. This is real. It's slut-shaming, it's being excluded, it's being treated like dirt and it's a lack of adequate mental health facilities at her disposal. It's real. Mine wasn't as bad. But how bad? that's all relative to the person.

What we need you to understand is that suicide is not a light-hearted choice. It takes time and an indescribable amount of sadness. You would first need to break as a human being. The road to suicide is not paved with brick. It has mountains and cliffs and even road works sometimes when things get a little better in life. Sometimes people turn around and walk back the other way, sometimes they run towards the end, sometimes they wander around in the middle for a time. It is different for everyone. But all the while suicidal people fight to live. You only see Hannah's choice to kill herself, I see every day that she didn't. Even on the last day of her life Hannah went to the counsellor. She still tried to stay. No one wants to die, not really. We want the pain to stop. We want a way out. But even when the house is on fire and we have nothing but a cup of water in our hands to help we still tell ourselves "you can do this". But we can only fight for so long and maybe eventually we reach a moment where we give up. And it only takes a moment. Then it's too late. You can choose to die once but you choose to live every day. There is a lot of talk around the show planting the idea of suicide for revenge, which is a stretch. That's the stigma talking.

When I see Clay I don't see a victim, I see a bystander.I don't think being a bystander makes you a bad person, because Clay clearly isn't.But it does make you a weak one.When you are getting bullied and no one is there to stand up for you but yourself, it's incredibly isolating.Their silence acts as encouragement to the bullies by turning a blind eye to their behaviour.

For my story, Back in secondary 2, Beatrice was always bullied. People boys laughed about her acne, pimples. Called her ugly. Laughed at her whenever she had to answer a question in class she sat at the corner of the class, trying to get away from all these negative attention. At that point, I had no friends too. The class was against me and it started because of a group of popular girls were just salty that I had more attention from boys than them. I've always hung out with boys since I was in primary school and yeah I was sporty, I played soccer, the fastest runner in school. Damn right I definitely will be popular amongst the boys. But hey, those popular pretty girls hated it. They started to spread hate about me, and well things worked pretty well for them. i mean if you were a guy, which side would you be on? A big bunch of lovely pretty popular girls or a lone decent looking girl whos kinda a tomboy whos really good at many sports? of course those pretty ladies. Guys love the pretty ladies. A point extra if you're popular. And slowly, those guys turned against me, started laughing at me, making fun of me. And each time they laugh at me, my reputation lost, my friendships were lost.

And back to Beatrice. She was another girl bullied in the school. this was the mistake that made everything worst. I didn't not regret this but, it definitely made me feel worst about myself. When people made fun of her acne and said she was disgusting, i stood up for her and comforted her everytime. But the more i do that the more people started making fun of me for protecting her and being friends with her. so yeah. but she was a shy person. i dont blame her for like not trying to stand up for me but i was taking more blow than beatrice and i just dont know if i should be selfish and just care for myself.

I just want someone, who could emotionally support me, someone who would do exactly what I would do for people.

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