#if you think everything you analyzed is right and everyone else is wrong | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rosewould · 6 months

Text

one way; cbg

part i | part ii | part iii

🖊️⇝ pairing; afab!reader x beomgyu

🖊️⇝ word count; 17.3k

🖊️⇝ genre; enemies 2 lovers, smut, & angst

🖊️⇝synopsis; things have gotten much more complicated in a relationship that spawned from simplicity

🖊️⇝ warnings; thoughts of suicide and murder, brief descriptions of gore, PIV, balls in mouth, lots of kissing, not super smut heavy, manipulation, betrayal, descriptions of depression, assault (the usual), passionate sex, the l bomb

📜⇝ aw man, this is very BITTERsweet. Idk how I feel about this. Ask me in a week and I'll either love or hate it. I didn't go into part one expecting to flesh out their relationship, so please forgive me if this long awaited finale doesn't reach your expectations. I am happy to finally say it's finished though!!

You didn’t remind Beomgyu of anyone. Maybe before you started having sex, that’s why he was so sure. He felt like he was experiencing deja vu from how similar you were to those groupies. Just awkward, quirky, and harmless. You’re only here to do your job and just happened to become friends with this celebrity. The romantic feelings that developed, oh those are to be expected. Of course you fell in love! But if another handsome, famous fella came around and was willing… that love is suddenly conditional.

But then you were letting Beomgyu bite your lip and rip your clothes off, you were shoving your tongue down his throat and letting him fuck you in every conceivable position. While still remaining kind and loyal to Soobin.

You were even open about the things Beomgyu did to you. You didn’t care how it made you look or if it would scare the others off. You didn’t present it as this passionate sexy moment, but the clumsy and somewhat comical situation it was. You were comfortable with them. Letting them see the real you even if it wasn’t exactly attractive. Maybe Beomgyu was wrong about you.

Then he’d catch these glimpses. Moments where he really saw Hyesoo in you. Everyone would be laughing and then suddenly you’d bring up a recent accomplishment of Soobin’s. It seemed weird to shift mid-conversation to boost him up. But when Beomgyu looked around, no one else saw anything wrong with it. He was hyper analyzing you and he was trying to stop. It was hard not to think about Hyesoo period, but with a new woman cozied up in their dorm it was even harder.

When you’d hit Soobin’s arm while laughing, buy only him snacks and drinks, laugh at his jokes harder than anyone else, fall asleep with your head on his shoulder. No matter how much he tried to stop himself, he couldn’t stop thinking you were buttering him up. Locking him in.

Here he was, staying up until 5 am dwelling on every thought that enters his brain. He lays stagnant in your bed, staring at the ceiling but really at nothing at all. His head flops to the side and he catches a glimpse of your peaceful expression. His eyes track down to your arms curled around his bicep. He looks back up at the ceiling with a lengthy sigh.

He needs to leave.

It started with him staying a little longer to eat up the food in your fridge. You staying to chat with some of the guys. Him staying to help clean up the vase that fell and shattered during your ministrations. You staying to clean yourself off and mentioning that maybe he should bring by a few spare items of clothing in case he wants to shower at your place. Now both of you have clothes at the other’s house and he’s spending the night.

He could dwell on everything he should or shouldn’t be doing right now or he could stop fighting how the warmth of your presence is lulling him to sleep.

-🖊️⇝

Beomgyu wakes up in the absence of your warmth. If his memory serves him correctly, you’re off to practice by now. He can’t help feeling pathetic as everyone rushes off to their duties while he lounges around. He only has one month left of his suspension before he’s back on the grind. He wants to just enjoy it, but the loneliness of it all after years of constantly being surrounded by hoards of people was undeniably crushing. The people he does see are usually rushing around before leaving him in an empty house.

He slumps out of your room and is hit with the scent of freshly made toast. He spots you in the kitchen, rushing around with a piece of toast dangling from your teeth. Upon seeing Beomgyu your eyes widen, brows raising as you prompt him.

“D’you like butter on your toast? Actually, don’t say anything, I’m doing it.” Your speech is muffled until you take a bite and set the piece down. When Beomgyu finally reaches the kitchen he sees you sloppily slathering butter onto two extra pieces of toast. You place them on a small plate before pushing it toward him. You quickly steal another bite of your toast before scowling at him. “You better not leave a mess for me to clean up.”

Once you finish chewing you’re still maintaining eye contact with Beomgyu. He stares intently, and you wonder if he’s still groggy from just waking up. Then his eyes break away to the state of your hair. He gives another second of thought before sweeping the unruly strands into place.

“You’re going outside, where people will see you.” He tsks.

“Said people should mind their business.” You punctuate by tearing off a chunk of your toast, maintaining eye contact pointedly. You throw the matching jacket to your sweatpants over your shoulder. “Lock my door before you leave!”

As the door shuts, the sound echoing through the now empty apartment, Beomgyu feels hyper aware of how much empty space surrounds him where he stands. The loneliness looms over him, a reminder no matter where he goes. He may joke around, but Beomgyu tries not to whine about his problems. It feels especially inappropriate since you were in this same situation, bound to this apartment with a suddenly empty schedule. But for you, you weren’t sure if you were getting fired or worse, getting stuck in the dungeon for years with no end in sight.

He thinks about that the entire time he stays within your walls. Where you stood, sat, and lied in limbo. From the couch, he glances over at the spot he found you lying in the day after you wrecked your house. A dark, malicious feeling crawls up his spine and he squirms. Staying in your house was already confusing for him, but with this feeling of what… guilt? He had nothing to feel guilty over. He was protecting his members.

Either way, it was overwhelming. He leaves your home, locking it on the way out. His dorm had his things. He can play video games all day until his eyes dry out. It was undeniably unfulfilling, despite it being what he craved since his trainee years. It felt as empty as his home.

He intentionally has his headphones only over one ear so he can hear when the door clicks open. It’s too quiet to be more than one member. Whatever, he’ll take what he can get. He leaves the game lobby, throwing his headphones off and rushing out of his room. When his eyes are met with blonde hair he stops in his tracks. Soobin silently regards him, not sparing him an ounce of emotion as he makes his way to the fridge. He grabs a soda, pops it open, and throws it back. Beomgyu waits patiently, he needs the interaction and Soobin has to give up this silent treatment at some point.

Soobin empties the can and tosses it, a silent conflict bleeding through his indifference to Beomgyu’s presence. Both men stand in silence, Beomgyu surveying each twitch in Soobin’s expression.

Soobin grits his teeth, hoping if he squeezes hard enough this aggravating feeling flaring up will pass. “You know what really pisses me off?” He snaps once he fails.

The relief he expected doesn’t come. There’s a pang of anxiety creeping up his spine in its place. “That I’m mean to your friend-”

“That I have a feeling this is all about that situation you refuse to talk about.” Soobin immediately shoots down his quip, sparing none of his valuable time for Beomgyu’s antics. Soobin finds that new trials and tribulations rear their ugly head just when he thought he’d gotten used to them. Recently Beomgyu has been one huge trial. He hasn’t been a good leader when dealing with this but Beomgyu is also his friend and roommate. Is he not allowed to just be upset by the actions of someone so close to him? Physically and emotionally?

When he looks over at Beomgyu it’s clear from the look on his face that he’s still not going to engage. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy. Letting out a lengthy sigh, he decides it’s time to abandon his personal grievances for now.

“You slept over at her house?”

Finally, it felt like someone was clamping their hands around his throat. “What, are you jealous or something?” He melts back into his usual self.

“I’m your leader.” Why does he even remind him anymore? It’s becoming increasingly apparent that the title means nothing to him.

“Yeah, you love reminding me of that fact when it’s convenient but it doesn’t apply here.” Getting his fill of interaction, he leaves the kitchen in favor of the living room. “It’s none of your business.”

“It became my business when you got in trouble. You’re on suspension, Beomgyu.” Yet again reminding him of something he clearly doesn’t care about. At least, he thinks he doesn’t until Beomgyu stops. His back is turned toward Soobin but he can still tell that it got to him.

Beomgyu no longer feels isolated but he does feel trapped again. Like the exits are too far away for him to escape and he’s forced to face this. “I don’t blame you for not speaking to the therapist they provide us with the risk of your confessions being reported, but if you tell me what’s going on we can figure this out. I’m also your friend, Beomgyu. You can talk to me.” He says softly, jumping at the chance of an opening.

This is the same guy he would laugh with until it physically hurt but he still couldn’t stop. The one who’d sneak him extra food as trainees. He’s a lovable dork who has proved on so very many occasions that he cares about each and every one of his members. Beomgyu can see it, he can feel it whipping around in the air. Soobin is right and he’s being stubborn again. It’s like the walls are closing in and pushing him closer to Soobin’s hurt but hopeful eyes. Beomgyu shuts his own.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Before Beomgyu can see the full transition of his expression he whips around, making his way to his room.

“Really? You’re still gonna pretend nothing is wrong?!” Soobin’s increase in volume is ignored as Beomgyu slams the door behind him.

-🖊️⇝

Tomorrow is Beomgyu’s last day in suspension. Yeonjun proposed they throw a party, just another excuse for Yeonjun to party. He invites anyone whose schedule is free which turns out to be a surprising amount of people. Friendly Yeonjun knows pretty much everyone in this generation and some from previous ones. This once empty building waiting to be bought was filled wall to wall with idols, models, and actors.

Everyone notable in Beomgyu’s life saw the suspension as a no-touch subject that dampened the mood, except for you of course, the delightful person you are. Here? People are coming up to him with a tone that can only be described as vengeful.

“HYBE seems like such tight asses. You guys should ditch that place and come sign with KQ.” Hongjoong delivers a solid pat to Beomgyu’s back as he guides him to the stacked liquor table. “Let’s forget about all of that tonight.” Hongjoong messily pours two shots, either from having too many already or from sheer excitement to let loose. He hands Beomgyu one before raising his into the air. “To freedom!”

It’s almost surreal. The music feels like it swells as reality starts to dawn on him. His containment is soon to be over and he is completely surrounded by people. Things were finally gonna start looking up again.

“To freedom!”

They both knock back their shots and submerge themselves back into the crowd of people with refreshed energy. His first instinct was to find you for some celebratory cum dumping, maybe fuck you into the wall of one of these fancy port-o-potties.

“Hey.”

The voice leads Beomgyu’s eyes to a pair of sultry eyes and plump lips curved into a flirty smile. She was a perfect ten with a rack sitting pretty, the round, soft spheres of her cleavage taunting his already horny brain. Jisun was always a nice piece of eye candy. “Catch up to me,” She gestures to the shot in her hand, “and then let’s play.”

-🖊️⇝

Beomgyu is strange. He clearly still holds some resentment toward you, or at least skepticism, but he’s still around a lot. And you are too, which feels like poking the tiger. If he suddenly decides he still hates you he can rat you out with proof this time. You did blackmail the man. But this is just easier. Being strict and clear about your relationship was exhausting. Sometimes you don’t want to journey right back home after getting your back blown out.

All it would take was one joke from Beomgyu about you being clingy and you would’ve snapped back to the strict rules. Then he spent the night over your house and you felt a little at ease.

That meant you could finally have a sleepover at their dorm, staying up all night with Soobin watching scary movies and then being too scared to sleep. It also didn’t hurt having something warm to snuggle up to. The strangest part? Beomgyu seemed to be easing up. He stopped giving you that look as much, as if he’s trying to catch you scheming.

The party was much needed, and judging by the vibe of literally everyone else around you, all the partygoers would agree. There’s this overwhelming sense of relief and it’s intoxicating. Nobody can be as relieved as Beomgyu, wherever he is. You keep an eye out for him, in case he wants to monkey around in some pocket of the building.

“Hey!!” Soobin grabs your shoulder to stop you as he maneuvers around you. “There you are!”

“And here you are! I can’t believe you’re here and not at home watching anime!” You lean a little closer for him to hear over the music.

“I know! I decided I could try and blow off some steam since I pretty much have the day off tomorrow.”

“Pretty much?” You ask, curious if a monthly diet and exercise report was a company-wide event.

“We’re having a meeting before Beomgyu is reinstated. They said it’d be a small one but I’m still blowing off steam in advance.”

“Yikes. Let’s get some drinks in your system.” You guide him to the alcohol like a nurse escorting a frail patient.

All four of you were downing shots like your life depended on it on opposite sides of the bar. Beomgyu was caught up far before you and Soobin drank your stress away, so away he went. Jisun was whisked to whatever private area they stumbled across first. The spacious storage closet behind the first door he opened seemed like stumbling across the gates of heaven. With a swift turn, he flashes Jisun a smirk and pulls her in.

“Have you seen Beomgyu yet?” You probe, trying to look casual and not let your genuine inquiry slip through. You’re realizing the longer you’ve gone without seeing him today that you may crave more than just a quickie. A flash of his signature smirk passes through your mind and your stomach fills with a joyous warmth. You find yourself smiling. You quickly drop the smile, peering at Soobin as he stares at the ceiling.

“Not yet. I decided not to look for him and just let him relax. This party is for him after all.” He speaks quietly and you can tell there’s a lot more going unsaid. “For all we know he might not be here.” You laugh, having to force it as this feeling you can’t– or won’t– describe dawns on you. Soobin sighs, not able to shake the conflict in his head.

“I don’t know what’s going on with this man. I don’t know how to get him to talk about it-” He stops, raising his hands as if the gesture will help him conjure his thoughts. He shuts his mouth, dropping his hands in favor of grabbing a shot and downing it. “Has he said anything to you? About anything bothering him?”

“To me? Yeah, that’s not really how our relationship works.” You shake your head, tossing your own shot back to try and dull the emotions begging to be unpacked. Is something bothering him? When is something not bothering him? Now that you think about it, you haven’t seen goofy Beomgyu with your own eyes. You’ve just heard about his harmless mischief through the grapevine. “Loveable brat” is how you overheard Chaewon describe him. You didn’t really get either descriptor at first. More like “punchable asshole”. Without the constant screaming and threatening to ruin the other’s career, you suppose you’re getting close to seeing that side of him. The night before he slept over you shared a kiss that was simple. So simple it was loaded. There was no lust behind it, just a tender gesture with no follow up. Just you waking up holding him. And him holding you.

“Did something happen?” You ask before chewing on your nail.

“Around when we first debuted. I haven’t thought about it in years because he refuses to talk about it. I really don’t think this is just about him wanting to protect us.” Soobin shoves his shot glass away, seemingly giving up on that method since it doesn’t appear to be working.

“Boy, aren’t you glad you got stuck with these guys?” You laugh and he lets one out as well, though unintentionally. He shakes his head, straightening his face. “No, I am. I really am. I’m lucky.” He knows you’re joking, but it doesn’t settle well when he remembers how he’s been acting. Beomgyu’s supposed leader giving him the silent treatment like a child or a frustrated lover. He sighs, letting out another laugh. This time it’s dry, expressing contempt for himself.

“I’m not really in the mood for a party anymore.”

Beomgyu did not ruin your career but he did ruin the mood for both of you and he wasn’t even there. You echoed his sentiments and he convinces you to come over. It wasn’t very hard, seeing as you could both use the company. There are no other members home yet so you didn’t have to share the blanket. You had it wrapped around the both of you like a cocoon as you tortured him with a scary movie.

“We could’ve been watching The Bad Guys and-” Soobin wails loudly right beside your ear at the world’s most poorly set up jumpscare making you jerk away from him. He clings to you but you pry him off immediately.

“Are you not ashamed? A baby could sit through this.” You deride, shoving him away again when he tries to lean into you. “You’re so mean!” He erupts after trying to grab onto you a third time.

“No, you’re just a pussy.”

Soobin stands from the couch and snatches the remote from the other side of you. He pauses the movie, ignoring your protesting. “Since when were you so comfortable with disrespecting me?” He scolds playfully, setting his hands on his hips. “Last I remember, I was still your senior.”

“Would you rather I kiss your ass like before?” You cock your head to the side with a raise of your eyebrow, speaking about your former crush for the first time to him outside of the initial awkward phase after the rooftop mishap. He finally collects himself, fighting through his shock. He sits back beside you, keeping his eyes on you as he wraps the blanket back around you.

“I like this version of you much better.” He admits quietly, eyes genuine as they gaze into yours. You breathe a small laugh.

“Don’t tell me you’ve got a crush now, Choi.” You reply at the same volume. The atmosphere felt a lot more volatile suddenly, it was as if you both were close to triggering something.

“You’re getting ahead of yourself.” His eyes leave yours, giving you a little time to breathe. “I am turned on, though.”

Your pussy clenches hard, feeling a vortex of pleasure swirl in your stomach. You suck in a breath subconsciously as your eyes become glued to how his tongue skits over his bottom lip. He must be wetting them in an attempt to maintain their softness, unlike Beomgyu who bites at them until they’re utterly ruined. Kind of like he’s doing now back at the party. He just needs some way to cope with the pulsing need overwhelming him when he needs to empty his balls. With two handfuls of Jisun’s tits, he gets a similar feeling. His teeth dig and tug at his poor bottom lip. Better it be his lip than her soft skin. He needs to remember this isn’t you he’s playing with.

Fuck, if it were you he’d sink his nails in until you yelped. Feeling his cock jump at the sound and ache at the thought of you loving the pain as much as he loves inflicting it. That delicious look in your eye exposing how much you want to absolutely ruin him in a way no one has before.

But the look you give Soobin gives Soobin pause. He raises his eyebrows before leaning back, letting his head fall back onto the couch. “You don’t still have a crush on me, do you?”

His eyes are like hot fudge drizzling over a mound of ice cream, melting every inch it touches. Still, something nags at you. You need something inside you and you need it bad… but this should be affecting you much more. “I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

His eyes dip lower, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. Nag nag nag. It’s just dick, you tell yourself. You just need some hard sex and this feeling will go away. You grab Soobin by his shirt and pull him on top of you. He happily engulfs you with his large body, caging you in as he devours your lips. They’re still slick with his own spit. They squish and slide against yours and your body ignites. You wrap your legs around him and push his bulge into your core. He groans and you grin against his mouth. So vocal.

Beomgyu would say the same about Jisun, except it wouldn’t be praise. It’s just noise with no rhyme or reason. She’s not reacting to the curl of his fingers inside her, her moans don't correspond with the clench of her walls, there’s no sign she’s being caught off guard by anything he’s doing. Just. Noise.

Everything about her just dissolves into meaningless blobs of nothing. His fingers sloshing inside a wet cavern, his hands squeezing doughy flesh, and his lips brushing against mindless flaps that omit noise constantly. It quickly becomes mind-numbing and he can feel himself going limp. If you were here instead, you’d gasp when he pushed his fingertips into your bundle of nerves. Not meaning to dig your fingers into his shoulders but not being able to help how your body naturally reacts. You don’t want to whimper when he sucks on that sweet spot on your neck but you just can’t help it.

He can feel himself get hard again, his fingers curling and pushing into Jisun’s heat fluidly with you vivid behind his clenched lids. Where are you? He’s suddenly pulled out of the heated moment he’s sharing as the question pops into his mind. If he searched for you, could he be inside you right now instead? Jisun’s noises pull him from his thoughts. How pathetic would it be for him to scramble out of the closet, pussy juice still on his middle and ring finger as he looks for you with his eyes wide like a puppy? First he cuddles you and spends the night at your house and then you see him like that? His eyes snap open.

He grunts, pumping his fingers with more vigor. He has a warm hole for tonight. There’s always tomorrow. That frustrating feeling of the intoxicating warmth leaving his groin as you dissipate from his mind is back and he chases it again. The image of Jisun’s exaggerated expressions flicker away behind his fluttering lids before his mind projects your face twitching to keep your bliss hidden. Pleasure so strong that even the raging flames of hatred can’t burn it away.

A penis entering a vagina was something you were taught was reserved for the pinnacle of love. When you were old enough you were promised tender touches and emotions so deep and complex they would bring you to tears. You and Beomgyu were swept up into the limelight long before you could get a chance to naturally build up such a relationship and experience such a transcendental feeling. Instead, the two of you bastardized the act with one night stands and relationships built on flimsy foundations only to come crashing down from neglect or simply not knowing who was under your sacred roof. How could you not? There’s no time, too much stress, and too much at stake.

So you fuck and fuck until the act becomes something so unrecognizable that you come out the other end. Letting someone tear at your flesh and tamper with your spirit as they touch you the way someone you love should. Yet here you are with someone who would treat you right, someone who you longed for for so long, someone who holds you like you’re porcelain with passion still flowing through every action. You should be falling head over heels again. Your crush should be flooding back with crashing waves wrecking everything in its wake until nothing is left but your undying need for Soobin. But no. He mouths your neck as he thrusts shallowing, checking in to make sure he’s not hurting you.

Everyone who taught you about how sex would feel were right about one thing. You were brought to tears.

“Beomgyu.” You blubber shamefully, gritting your teeth before hiccupping. You fail to suppress it. Everything becomes a blur as tears stream down your face. The self-pity numbs you beyond repair.

Your name leaving Beomgyu’s lips doesn’t feel real. He only realizes what he’s done after Jisun’s warmth is gone. He opens his eyes and she has moved as far away from him as she possibly can in the confined space. Her angry words don’t register as she fixes herself and storms out, brushing his shoulder on her way. Once he was old enough, Beomgyu was taught a little differently. His father would wait until his mother left the room to get filthy about it, wiggling his eyebrows. His friends would boast and fantasize lewdly in the back of the classroom about it. The pinnacle of sex was supposed to be casual with beautiful women. The only hate sex guys his age fantasized about were low-stakes scenarios you only see in porn. What the two of you had? No one with any ounce of self-preservation would touch this with a ten foot pole. They’d call you “psycho”, block your number, and avoid you like the plague.

Not daydream about you while experiencing a man’s definition of the pinnacle of sex.

-🖊️⇝

Soobin is a saint. He waited patiently for you to calm down, holding you and rubbing your back. He didn’t complain about his lack of finishing once and didn’t make you feel awkward. He just giggled at your swollen face after you finished. You sat quietly on the couch, staring at whatever movie had auto-played.

“You guys are very similar, you know?”

The urge to start crying again chokes you and you swallow it down. “Soobin, that's a horrible thing to say.” You sigh.

He laughs loudly, trying to stifle his overflowing amusement after seeing your eyes get glassy again. “That’s why you hate each other so much I think.” He says once the humor subsides.

“I hate him because he was horrible to me.” You correct, unable to suppress the annoyance flaring up at his ignorant assumption.

“He was horrible to you, right?” He looks over at you, looking back at the tv once he sees your stone-like expression. “But you still resent each other despite you guys not being at each other’s throats for about a month now.”

“Because I’m wary. He’s wary. We both are constantly remembering something horrible we did to one another.” You suck in a breath, ready to vent about all the ways he’s scarred your skin with proof, but which ones were the ones you encouraged? It didn’t feel appropriate to lie or guess no matter how much you wanted to. Fuck, you wanted to scream about Beomgyu and how much you should hate him. You whimper, resting your face in your hands. “What’s wrong with me?”

Soobin doesn’t answer, leaving you with your own thoughts. You find yourself appreciating the silence.

“Do you love him?”

Numb and hollow… yet throbbing and infected. The space between the skin of your forehead and the bone of your skull felt like it was swimming with complicated activity as your brain echoed the devastating question. Not because the answer was yes but because it had to be answered at all. You raise your head slowly from shaking hands before standing from the couch.

“I’m going to sleep.”

-🖊️⇝

Waking up that morning for both of you was somehow more loaded than waking up in each other’s arms. You couldn’t be with each other or away. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t simple anymore and the complication of it all was starting to get exhausting. You slip from beneath Soobin’s arm, careful not to wake him. Beomgyu trudges out of his bed, feet plodding heavily toward his door. Both doors close simultaneously with a dull, echoing thud, neither noticing the other as you both stand in silence. It’s only when you start to move that Beomgyu notices you. His chest rises slightly with a small gasp. There you are.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming.”

For a second your eyes meet his and there’s a flicker of something that excites him. You straighten up. “I was with Soobin.”

“But you could’ve been with me.” Beomgyu can feel himself get worked up at just the thought of something that actually gets him going.

“Believe it or not,” You draw nearer and Beomgyu’s eyes are locked onto your lips as they part. You lean in and the warmth of your proximity ceases his breathing “he kept me company.”

It felt like slow motion when you pulled away and winked at Beomgyu. A gesture that should’ve been harmless and maybe even cute made Beomgyu feel like hot curdled liquid was crawling down his throat.

Once you pull back Beomgyu’s expression hardens. His eyes prick you like needles. “What?”

His tone and glare make you flinch. Your smirk flickers away. This is usually how it starts, but a part of you just wanted to cut out all the bullshit and get to the part where he makes you scream his name. But the look in his eye… something’s different. Something’s wrong.

“I-I had a little fun with Soobin. It didn’t really go far though because I…” You choke on your words, feeling your heart throb when he tore his eyes away. He couldn’t read your mind but you couldn’t stop yourself from believing he somehow sniffed out the pitiful truth.

Beomgyu laughs dryly and each moment without proper words made you feel like screaming. Beomgyu flexes his hands, avoiding your eyes while he cracks his knuckles. He balls them into tight fists before staring at you with a level of fury that makes your blood run cold. “I fucking knew it.”

The words struggle to leave his lips as if they had to pass through a filter of his growing disdain for you. Quiet, yet still piercing enough to get you stammering. “Y-you can’t be serious. You’re not seriously talking about what I think you are right now are you?!”

And just like that the two of you are back to square one. Everything that happened in the last two months, hell, the last 48 hours feel like they mean nothing. Why would they? It’s Beomgyu’s fault for letting things get the way they are. Beomgyu feels this nauseating sensation curdle in his stomach and it’s strong. So strong it forces a lie out of him.

“I’m just trying to protect my members. God– is that a crime or something? Why am I the bad guy? You’re not gonna get away with using us like toys. Maybe you’ll have better luck whoring around Enhypen.” He spits out the words, hating the way they taste. This is your guys’ dynamic, right? Now you’ll start throwing things and screaming at him.

But nothing comes and Beomgyu realizes he hasn’t been looking at you. At what point he looked away again, he wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t get himself to make eye contact again. The lack of response clouds his lungs, a stabbing pain screaming in his temples.

After the silence suffocates him to near death he finally manages to look at you. He has to muster all his strength, but he does. And you’re crying. His body feels hollow. No arousal or sadistic pleasure is derived from this. He can’t even feign it.

Still, the silence won’t let up and as if to punish him, his body won’t let him look away. As if two hands are holding his head in place and as a sinister voice hisses in his ears.

LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE.

How much time passes, he’s not sure. Enough time for him to realize how much chaos and stress he’s caused to his leader, his members, his company, and to an innocent person with an innocent crush.

More tears well and skit from your cheekbones straight to the carpet beneath both your feet. Darkening the fabric. The words you’ve been choking on finally release, though they sound frail and strangled. “Beomgyu. I don’t know how else to get through to you. I care about Soobin. Fuck…” You don’t attempt to wipe the tears away or cease them in any way. Your head falls as if your neck can no longer support it. “I was starting to care about you.”

Hostile would be putting it lightly. The activity in your brain and heart is like a dozen hornet’s nests being shaken and preparing to erupt, one for each emotion reaching its peak. You grit your teeth so hard you think they’ll crumble under the pressure.

“You wanna know something? The only person hurting someone by turning on them is you.” You hate the implications this leaves but your thoughts and emotions are on overdrive and you need to leave before it gets any uglier. “I’ll respect your wishes. Friends aren’t worth dealing with this, I’d rather be alone. Just promise me you won’t involve my career in your bullshit this time.”

As you storm away, barely able to look that man in the eye you realize this. This is what you were wary of the entire time. It wasn’t him ruining your career or biting you until he draws blood or turning your friends against you. It was this feeling you were experiencing. Pain so deep you’d almost call it heartbreak. However, it wasn’t earned from time spent with someone who cherished you and made you feel like you were worth something. All this heartache…

You let him do unspeakable things to you. You let him hurt you in ways you would’ve never let anyone else. You welcomed it.

In an alternate reality, you’d be kicked out of your company, stuck with a damning reputation, and banned from the only true friends you had. The man who would’ve caused all that turmoil in your life, with the intent to cause that harm, is the same one who your heart is aching for.

-🖊️⇝

The curtains across the room have become blurry blobs of color after being stuck staring in that direction for what felt like too long. You had to start, if you’re late sending this video in then there will be another crack. You manage to squeeze your eyes shut and jump start your brain once again from its brief hiatus.

The inhale you suck in shudders beyond your control. The more time that passes with that song out in the open for anyone to hear, the less you can hide your anxiety. You hold your breath until it hurts before blowing out a rushed gust of wind. You’re stagnant again, and before your brain can shut down for one more sweet break you force a smile and hit record.

“Hello precious moonbeams!~ I hope you’re all doing well. Thank you for all the support on Strawberry Jam. I was so worried!” You pout. “It’s a bit of a weird song, right? It’s very different from Laude so I was scared you guys wouldn’t like it. But… wow. The support is…” Sincerity bleeds through as you reflect on traversing your favorite store and then hearing your voice through the speakers.

“Pierce me, Bruise me, keep going until you see strawberry jam”

Your blood runs cold, and your eyes snap up as if you’re being caught saying something you didn’t mean to be publicized. A couple of passersby whisper or stare or gasp. You run out of the store.

Before you can get too sincere you force the smile back in place. “It’s overwhelming. Seriously.” Your eyes get glassy and you chew on your lip. “Thank you.”

All the cracks that have reared their ugly head so far have been mostly forgotten because of the overnight success of your first comeback. Your debut was deemed a flop in comparison to your colleagues, so this was absolutely necessary. It was mandatory. You finally feel like you’re making progress digging out of this deep hole.

There are signs your company still doesn’t fully trust you.

The first big sign was the debut delays. You were sure they were going to cancel it and that they saw you as a risk. The cracks were treacherous. Then you debuted and the reception was lukewarm. You sat in limbo for days, reading negative comments until your head span. A piece chips off revealing an inky black abyss.

Then you heard your comeback song. Instead of classy and subdued like your debut, this song was hard to swallow. It was asymmetrical and loud. It was raunchy.

“What do you think?”

You sat in silence, jaw dropped open, a truck sized lump in your throat. You could hear the sound of cracking. But why? This song was a clear hit. You could hear another idol performing it well.

But it’s yours.

“Ready to record?”

You nod, hoping that will become true with time.

The track plays and your fears ease a bit. You bob your head to the beat. Everything goes fine until the same lyrics that struggle to come out of your mouth approach. You power through. You need this.

“I should hate it but I don’t”

This will be a hit, you can get through this.

You continue powering through but the dread builds and builds. You hate this line, you hate it so much. Your breath gets caught in your throat right before it’s time and you know you’re about to choke.

“Can’t promise I won’t cry but I…” You sigh and drop your head. You already knew it was coming when they ask you to do it again.

“Can’t promise I won’t cry but I-I know that you like that…”

CRACK

The producer slides his headphones off with a chuckle. “I know. It’s weird, right?” He winces as if he’s mirroring your assumed feelings on the matter. He’s half right. It’s obscene and you hate it. You hate it so much.

“I’m sorry, let’s go again.”

The track replaying is like a death march. Your throat bobs, doing little to refresh your throat that feels like it’s filled with cactus needles and glass.

“Can’t promise I won’t cry but I know that you like that-”

The line processes in your mind and you connect it to the past despite avoiding doing so as if your life depends on it. You reflect on all the times he’s brought you to tears. How hot they felt rushing from your eyes after you frustratingly kissed him for the first time. How helpless and pathetic you felt crying as he restrained your wrists, only to spray you in his seed mockingly. And most frustratingly of all, you crying while revealing that you actually cared about him after he did exactly what you knew he would.

CRACK

The calls of your name are muffled as flashes of his face refuse to leave. You grit your teeth, feeling a frightening level of rage familiarly build up inside you. “I hate him.”

You rush out of the recording booth, mortified as tears stream down your face. He’s done it again. He isn’t even here and he’s done it again. If he could see you right now he’d probably smile. It would probably brighten his day. And you welcomed that monster into your bed.

You’re all the way back home once you realize what you’ve done. The producer is probably calling your manager who is calling the CEO about how much of a pain in the ass you are. You need to get yourself together quickly and get back there. You run to your bathroom and look in the mirror. You plant your shaky hands on the sink

“I’m…”

Your voice wavers. Your resolve dissipates as you stare at the cracks that have transferred to your very visage. A shard dangles where your eye resides before falling away. Again, the black nothingness is left behind and you’ve already forgotten what your face normally looks like.

Your phone starts to buzz and you slowly fade back to reality.

-🖊️⇝

“I have no clue who that is. Why can’t we collab with a Korean artist?” Beomgyu mutters. Soobin grits his teeth and elbows him. He rolls his eyes despite the instant regret. It takes only a minute of fading into the background as the other guys engage in productive conversation for the guilt to fully bloom. On one couch there were four employees and one temperamental child.

No matter where he goes he feels this way. The guys don’t bring girls to the dorm anymore. If they go out to see one, they nervously lie about it and rush out of the door.

Anytime they bring up a memory tainted with you, Beomgyu is greeted with shocked silence and finds four panicked eyes on him like they’re afraid they’ve poked a tiger.

All those posters, cardboard cutouts, and billboards that are fucking everywhere are like land mines. To anyone else it would be comical to watch four grown, big ass men tiptoeing around a mall like one wrong step will blow their leg clean off.

And the song.

Beomgyu… he is really trying to get better. If he didn’t attempt to, Soobin would probably choke him out. He’s been very patient, but anyone in his shoes would be exasperated. When they’re in public or in a meeting and Beomgyu is being a menace is one thing, Soobin lets him know then and there that he’s serious.

However, when they’re alone, it’s strangely peaceful. He asks Beomgyu about his day and his mental and emotional state. He hasn’t brought you up for a while now. Tomorrow will make 6 months.

Tomorrow comes, Beomgyu’s indifference is slipping. While everyone else walked on eggshells, Beomgyu coasted through the situation like nothing happened. But somehow, the fact that the boys are becoming more accustomed to not bringing you up is bothering him. He only sees you through screens or your likeness plastered on paper or cardboard.

The last time you physically entered his vision was during your goodbye stage of your debut promotions. It was a brief glimpse but it was enough to show you weren’t doing well. It was an image burned into his memory. None of the photo shoots could replace it. Even longer before that was the last time the two of you made physical contact. The feeling of holding you in your bed is long gone. Everything about you feels like a ghost now.

“Here he is!” Beomgyu looks up from his phone he wasn’t really looking at anyway to see Soobin walking over with some girl. Beomgyu slides down his mask to present the girl with a tight smile and bow.

“This is Jiwon from Cherry Bullet.”

“Hello.” Jiwon bows with a bright smile and somehow the common gesture illustrates just how efficient of a person she is. He has no clue what a cherry bullet is but something tells him she’s a stellar idol. But why was she talking to him? Beomgyu looks up at Soobin’s phony wide smile before getting distracted by the rest of his members frantically trying to stop what’s happening. Yeonjun tugs Soobin to the side, jaw jutting forward as he grits something out Beomgyu can’t quite decipher.

“I’ve heard people refer to you as a video game protagonist.” Beomgyu’s attention is ripped away from his members as Jiwon speaks again with a little more hesitance this time. What, does she think he’s a ticking time bomb too?

“What?”

“Your visuals.” She clarifies, seeming a little more relaxed now. “Now that I see you in real life I can say I see it too. I didn’t know before but I think that’s my style.” She looks down, still appearing resolute despite the shy action.

“I don’t usually do things like this, I value my job and image, but I was just so curious about you. I felt a bit weird asking Soobin to introduce me to you but…” As if she realizes she’s been having a one-sided conversation, she stops herself and looks at Beomgyu expectantly.

Every so often, Beomgyu catches wind of a rumor going around about himself. Whether it’s someone he’s cool with reporting back to him or rookies being way too loud and excitable. He supposes every idol experiences this, and most likely they’re as indifferent as he is. He’s a former thug, he’s gay, he’s fucking an executive, and the biggest one:

He’s a womanizer.

That one sometimes goes hand in hand with the thug one, but it’s mostly referring to his current idol lifestyle. He doesn’t know how it happened. He hasn’t been in a relationship since Hyesoo. He couldn’t be one if he tried. He lets his emotions get in the way. A part of him wishes it were true. Maybe he would stop craving nails raking into the flesh of his back or bite marks on his bottom lip and shoulders. Maybe he would stop waking up with soiled sheets because he has dreams about being ridden long after he’s already cum.

Of course now he’s thinking of you, despite chatting it up with Jiwoo– or no, Ji…

You’re probably getting relief every other day with how famous you are now. If you even have the time. In that case, you’re probably locking you and some guy in dressing rooms, closets, anywhere you can get privacy for a quickie.

But no… you’re not like that. You only let Beomgyu see the deepest, darkest parts of you because you were pushed to do so. Beomgyu’s face goes slack, staring deep into space. You hated him so much that you didn’t care about bearing the ugliest side of you to him. Gnashing your teeth with your shirt a tangled mess over your torso after you gave up on taking it off. Saying the most venomous things Beomgyu’s ever heard while milking him for all he’s got. Even after things cooled a bit, you would let him touch and taste you before you even showered. Opening the door to let him in with stains all over your shirt and leftover makeup from the day before.

“I thought about jumping off the roof at practice while I was on my break.” You had said to him after couch sex. You guys were watching Community and eating ice cream. You were just joking about one of the characters being dumb. Beomgyu had looked at you, completely bewildered.

“Isn’t this what you wanted? What you’ve been waiting for?” He asks incredulously.

You sigh dramatically.

“Yeah, but I’m so fucking hungry. My body aches and my hands shake so much I can barely hold a pen to write my own name. I made a mistake and my instructor cussed at me and called me useless.” You laughed sharply before letting your head droop over to face him. “D’you know they delayed my fucking debut again? Before I thought about offing myself I imagined slitting my manager’s throat and bludgeoning the dance instructor to death and stripping down so I could smear both their blood all over me until it covered every inch of my skin. It was so brief but so so vivid.” You rushed out the words in a crazed fashion and you looked at him with wide eyes. You smile. “Then I imagined you coming in, we had sex and then I strangled you until your eyes bulged out–” You catch your breath and look back at the tv. You looked down at your hand and groaned. Your ice cream had melted over your trembling hand.

“Fuck it–” You rush over to the trash can and chuck it before aggressively wiping off your hand with a tattered kitchen towel. You stomp over to the fridge and take out one of the multiple spoiled bags of salad mix and dump it in the trash to cover up the tossed ice cream. You throw a glance at him.

“Make sure you eat that all or cover your tracks if you throw it away.” You mutter, finding your voice wavering suddenly. You sniffle, slamming down on the couch. You refuse to look over at him as tears break free from your eyes. You feel him move closer to you on the couch and you grit your teeth. His hand curls around the column of your throat but he doesn’t apply pressure.

“I imagined killing my manager once too.”

You peer over at him, he’s looking down, his thick lashes on display. “Except I stabbed him over and over and over until he was an unrecognizable mound of mush. You’re right, it flashed by so fast. I was so sickened by it I pretended it never crossed my mind. Yet here we are…” He finally looks up with a smirk. He finally applies the pressure and you inhale a shuddering breath.

He moves his lips next to your ear, his breath fanning on it making you shiver. “Does it hurt?”

Immediately understanding what he meant you nod feverishly.

“I’ll distract you.” He answers quickly before swinging his leg over and resting his knee on your thigh. He sits all his weight on your thigh and he squeezes your throat. He repeats it again breathily as he stares down at you wistfully. Your strangled whimpers get him straining against his jeans.

“I-I…” You find yourself speaking against your will. No… this isn’t how this went. He squeezes again and you moan. You want to clench your thighs but his knee is pinning your leg down. You can’t think, it’s perfect. Still, you find your mouth moving. No! There were no more words exchanged after this. You fucked again and he slept over.

“I-I’m so lonely,” Your voice quivers before you begin sobbing uncontrollably. When you open your eyes and blink away your tears you see a twisted wide grin on his face. His eyes are wild. You tremble in fear, unable to speak anymore. No no no no no no no…

“I fucking knew it.”

You gasp for air, it feels like he’s crushing your windpipe.

“Just a sad, lonely, nobody coming to mooch off of us. Pitiful. You want friends? Huh?” You feel blood rushing up to your face. “Too bad. You don’t deserve love. No one fucking likes you and no one ever will. I’ll do you a favor.”

Almost as if he’s beating you to what you briefly daydreamt about, he applies his other hand and you want to scream. Your ears start ringing and you feel something warm trickle from your ears and all of a sudden there’s a bright light and a piercing noise–

You jolt up from your bed, continuing to sob like you did in your nightmare. You stumble out, nearly tripping as you reach to turn the light on. After doing so you slide down against the wall. Sobbing until your chest hurt and you had no air left in your lungs.

-🖊️⇝

There’s no doubt this song has gotten you some perverse comments and unwanted attention, but it must also get you positive attention too. He’s never seen you hang out with anyone else besides the guys but surely you have an entourage by now. Guys lining up to treat you right. Ones you wouldn’t feel are deplorable enough to casually bring up your murder fantasies to.

“Gyu?”

Jiwon has that confused tone in her voice. God, he tuned her out by accident again.

“Are you okay? It seems like you’ve been zoning out a lot.” She sounds cautious again. Beomgyu can tell that she’s trying to avoid what might set him off. Did Soobin tell her about you? How he’s just a screaming match waiting to happen?

“To be fair, I’ve had a lot to think about recently.” Beomgyu gives her a look, he knows she’s aware of what he’s referring to. Her awareness is becoming increasingly obvious.

She sits down beside him in the other folding chair backstage. Not dissimilar to when they first met. Even more similar, he notices his members frantically whispering to each other while looking at him.

“Are you still feeling bothered by that?” Jiwon places a hand on his but it doesn’t pull his attention away. Suddenly Kai is casting a fearful look to his right. Beomgyu, already feeling something stirring in his stomach follows his eyeline.

A pair of black docs accented with black opaque hosiery that almost stop where your red skirt starts. The skirt looks tattered, purposefully so. It’s asymmetrical and overlapped by a black, intricately designed corset top. Your hands that are running through your hair are donned in a red, loosely fitted pair of sheer gloves. Once your arms stop shielding your face and you lift your head, Beomgyu sees your mascara running. His stomach drops.

The stylist scolds you and quickly tries to fix the mess. You don’t react at all, face stone cold. Maybe you just had a bad day, Beomgyu thinks.

It’s cliche, but it never stops shocking you how blinding the stage lights are. They glint sharply, feeling like they’ve sliced your eyes. You shut them, only to quickly open them once you remember people can see you. You force a smile on your face, not caring if it looks like you have a gun to your head. This is all you have left.

The bright light nearly pricks tears back to your eyes but you hold them back just like you hold back the thoughts of the texts your parents sent you this morning. You don’t want to perform today, the last thing you want to do is sing this song that is now ruining relationships. However, now this is truly all you have left. So you flip the switch as soon as the music starts and don’t turn it off until it’s safe to cry again.

You almost melt away on your couch when a knock startles you. You race to the door, thinking it may be your manager. A part of you still expects her to scold you about something she found out. It’s been months but you still fear Beomgyu saying something. A shaking hand pulls open the door.

Myungsoo smirks lazily. Kim Myungsoo. You have to pinch yourself still, despite it being a month now since he first spoke to you. You’re used to people speaking to you first by now. You’d rather they stick around, hang out with you, but that never happens. When he came up and asked you about your song, you were positive you’d probably never see him again. A man you used to have posters of slipping right through your fingers. But then he suddenly stayed put.

“What’re you up to?” He asks before widening his smile. Your heart flutters.

“I was going to take a nap.” You say quietly, very much distracted. Him brushing some of your hair behind your ear doesn’t help.

He waits a beat as he presses his lips into a thin line. “Need help?”

Your heart drums against your rib cage, it almost hurts how much you need it. He’s been teasing you during this exciting yet excruciating month. Hinting that he wants to fuck you but never doing it. You nearly came when he put his hand on your thigh last week.

Now his hand is there again, and it takes every ounce of strength you have to not lift your hips and coax him to where it hurts. He insisted on leaving the television off so you can’t even pretend not to have your full attention on him.

“C’mere.” He whispers, his voice so warm it melts you. You scoot over and lean your head on his shoulder. You guys stay like that and you’re content– you really are… but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult not to shove his hand down your pants. You don’t know how long it’s been but your body is screaming at you. He should’ve been inside you already, you guys should have been done with your first round actually. Your impatience gets the best of you and you look up at him. He raises his eyebrows questioningly.

“Take a nap. Isn’t that what you said you were doing?”

You laugh dryly, too annoyed to take it back or be mortified at your outward display of your sexual frustration.

“Is something wrong?” He pouts his lips mockingly. You sit up from him but he pulls you back.

You let out a strained sigh. “I think I need to be alone to take a nap actually.”

“What, now you’re kicking me out? Did I do something wrong?” His cutesy act is nauseating right now. It pushes you to reveal how you actually feel.

“Aren’t you building us up to be just fuck buddies? Why are you beating around the bush?” You’re desperate, but it’s more than just being horny. At the moment you have no outlet for the overwhelming amounts of anxiety and growing depression. Despite what you had with Beomgyu being… what it was, you remember a wave of serenity after it was all said and done. You bickered as you got your clothes back on but then he left and your body was noticeably less tense.

“I never said anything about that. You know, you claim you had nothing to do with the song but I’m a little skeptical…” He traces shapes over your bare shoulder and you shrug it off with a scoff before sitting up. The annoyance was building towards being affronted, but you could feel something tingling like a spark crackling inside your stomach. It was back, a feeling you haven’t felt in quite a while.

“Excuse me?”

“I mean,” Myungsoo shifts toward you, “you’ve been practically begging to be fucked the minute we met. You’re not as subtle as you think.” His faux sympathy melts away once he sees fire glinting in your eyes. He can’t help but smile.

“Shut your fucking mouth.” You spit before mounting his lap and devouring his lips. This is it, there’s no mistaking it. But something’s missing…

Myungsoo sits there, barely moving his lips against yours. Your hands roam his entire body while his are still by his sides. You pull away, afraid that you were mistaken, but he’s smiling up at you. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before coaxing you to finish.

“You want it, don’t you?”

And so you strip your shirt off, the fabric pulled away to reveal your eyes blown wide with lust. You capture his lips again and it tastes so sweet. You nearly tremble after finally breaking through that barrier that never seems to leave. You feel powerful for the first time in months as you slide your hands under his shirt. You puff out a frustrated gust of air before sliding off his lap and kneeling before him. You look up at him as you unzip his jeans. He smirks the entire time, lifting his hips to let you slide his jeans and underwear down. He exaggerates the movement of stretching his arms back and resting his hands behind his head. You falter, suddenly self conscious.

“What’s your deal?”

He answers quickly, somehow knowing exactly what you were referring to. “I dunno… maybe I’m just not feeling it yet.” He sighs, reaching for his flaccid member and stroking it disappointedly. “Look at it, so pitiful.”

You swat his hand away, feeling challenged by his words. You start with his balls, licking in between them before circling your tongue around each one. You glance up at him and his cock twitches. His smirk flickers away briefly to revel pleasure while looking at the determination in your eyes.

You’re just so happy to finally taste someone. The way a cock feels in your hands and on your tongue, so silky and soft. So sinfully beautiful when covered in thick globs of saliva. There is truly nothing like it. But again, there was something missing.

Anywhere you and Myungsoo were together turned into a new spot for you to fuck. You’d give him the eyes which he’d ignore. Then you’d touch him. Kiss him. Whisper in his ear. None of it worked until you were pulling him somewhere secluded. Even when you were at his place or him at yours. It was like pulling teeth. But whatever, foreplay for you and Beomgyu was degrading and threatening each other. This was nothing.

It didn’t stop at foreplay, though. Throughout the entire act he’d be so smug, never reacting to anything. Only small glimpses of pleasure could be caught, but if you blinked you could miss it. You find yourself fighting for his passion. However, it remained one-sided.

-🖊️⇝

Jiwon’s ministrations were soft, almost like they weren’t there. She had a pretty pair of lips but they were like feathers against his.

“Noona…” He whispered, brushing his nose against hers.

“Hm?” She barely pecks his lips. Beomgyu inhales deeply before grabbing the back of Jiwon’s head and deepening the kiss. She makes a muffled noise of surprise but her eyes slowly flutter shut. She melts into the kiss for a few lovely seconds before forcing herself to pull away. She clears her throat before grabbing both of Beomgyu’s hands.

“Let’s take it slow, okay?” Jiwon gives him a pleading look and he only groans inwardly. It’s been a minute, and Jiwon is not a woman you come across too often. And they actually have a relationship he can brag about, someone he could see himself marrying. She’s pristine.

“Why, you didn’t like it?” He smirks and she scoffs.

“I did, but I just think it’s better for us if we don’t rush things.”

Beomgyu tries really hard to hide the cynicism threatening to rear its ugly head. Jiwon was finally not walking on eggshells around him. He thinks long and hard about what he’s going to say and panics when he thinks he’s said the wrong thing.

“Fine. But a deeper kiss won’t kill us.” Beomgyu brushes away his train of thought before smiling.

It wasn’t long before Beomgyu and Jiwon made it official, only telling people they trusted and not risking visiting each other anywhere but their dorms. Even that takes several days of planning.

“How does it work? We’ve never been.” Taehyun says, leaning forward in anticipation.

Jiwon takes a moment to swallow her sip of tea and to think.

“This will be my second survival style show. I think that they’re not dissimilar to being a trainee, honestly. The ferocity of everyone around you is still there. This new one is a little less intense, though. I guess the stakes aren’t as high.” Once she finishes talking she takes another delicate sip of her tea. Beomgyu watches intently, admiring how elegant she is. It’s so effortless for her. She continues her mature conversation with his members but Beomgyu is completely checked out. There’s a lingering sour feeling prodding at him as he watches her. It makes his smile flicker away.

“Right Beomgyu?” Soobin elbows him and Beomgyu is finally broken out of his daze.

All Beomgyu’s plugs slowly enter each outlet. “Huh?”

“You were so social during our trainee days, it was hard for people to hate you.” Soobin says, making everyone chuckle.

“Even when they saw you as competition, no dice.” Yeonjun chimes in. It was fun to reminisce until it wasn’t. He was smiling again and it seemed to immediately go away the longer he thought about it. He’s been told this. That he’s unhateable. He’s too silly, a loveable brat. But you managed.

“He could never do wrong. We make a mistake and it would start a fight. Beomgyu would do the same thing and they would just brush it off.” Kai adds, and everyone laughs again except for Beomgyu who’s stuck staring in space, his water bottle static in his hands.

“That’s so true!” Someone gushes through the laughter.

“Funny how things change, huh?”

The room goes silent as Beomgyu takes a swig from his bottle.

Jiwon looks panicked before laughing nervously. “What do you mean? I’ve never laughed this much before meeting you, and the girls love when you come over. Not to mention having four members who love you. That’s rare, you know.”

Soobin claps before pointing at Jiwon. “That’s exactly right!”

“What else could you need?” Jiwon rubs Beomgyu’s back, making him realize that she’s not miles away from him like it feels she is. She’s right. So everything will eventually get better.

-🖊️⇝

“Let’s go to a karaoke bar next!” Eunchae ugly laughs in excitement, already running ahead with Kazuha chasing behind her. Yunjin loops her arm with Sakura before following the younger members, engaged in a personal conversation. On instinct, Chaewon follows close by, yelling for the younger members to slow down.

The five of them have a warm dynamic that’s so enticing. Their figures growing further, soaked in the various vibrant hues of neon signs. It was like a scene out of films you watch alone on your couch. It’s right there.

Freezing as if something dawned on her, Chaewon swiftly turns around to face you.

“You coming?” She shouts.

“Ugh, she never comes. Let’s just go.” Yunjin whines dismissively. Chaewon looks conflicted as her gaze switches between you both. You stretch your mouth into a thin line.

“I have to get home. I’ll text you.”

Chaewon wants to protest but when she looks back at her members, they’re much farther away than she thought. Then when she looks back at you, you’re already gone.

From the corner of the bar, you send texts back and forth. Your head slips off your fist and nearly slams into the table before you stop it. Just an hour before, you were here with a group of people. The memory feels like particles of dust floating through the air that you try to clutch in your fist.

“Are you okay? I think you’ve had enough for the night. Call a cab and go home.” The stern, motherly tone of the owner doesn’t offend you at all. You don’t get to answer before she’s off sweeping the other end of the restaurant. You let your body completely slump over, resting your upper body on the table.

A tsk barely pricks at your foggy brain. “What a mess.” Myungsoo sighs.

“Take me home oppa.” You giggle with your cheek squished against the table. He raises his brow at you and you raise your arms. He groans before picking you up from the table and holding you bridal style. You rest your head against his chest, feeling tired against his warmth. You’re just about to drift off to sleep when he’s placing you into the passenger’s seat. You whine in protest but he’s already shutting the door. The gentle car ride makes your lids heavier until they shut completely.

Myungsoo picking you up again has your eyes slowly lifting open. You watch his face as he carries you. His body heat is intoxicating. You can’t stop your eyes from flickering down at his lips. You don’t want to mount him like you usually do, you feel something deeper. Maybe there was a reason he took so long to let you have him at first.

He lets you down to unlock his door before taking you by the hand and leading you in. You’re cuddling on his bed, still unable to take your eyes off him. He’s caught you a couple times and all he does is smile. This time his eyes linger on yours before whispering for you to come closer. You’re moving as soon as he says to, connecting your lips to his hungrily.

He smells and tastes so good. You trace your tongue over his bottom lip before pecking his mouth. He grins, letting out a warm, chesty chuckle.

“I love when you guys get like this.”

You laugh, a little confused. You peck him again. “You guys?”

He caresses the back of your neck before pulling you in for a deeper kiss. Your breath picks up as you climb on top of him, smashing your mouths together. He pulls away and whispers breathily in your ear.

“You have that twinkle in your eye. You need me. All you think of is me.”

You shudder, grinding down on him. You trail kisses all over his neck as he continues.

“If I were to leave, you’d be devastated.”

The thought makes you whimper, nipping at his neck. He hisses. “Stop it.” You say in a tiny voice. You feel his bulge grow more prominent.

“You’d do anything to please me, make me stay.” He moans through the sentence, bucking up into you. Your heart starts thumping, and the longer this goes on the more you realize it’s not because you’re turned on. You lift from him.

“I said stop.” Your face is hot. It’s right, he’s completely correct. You want to have your hands and lips on him at all times and your heart is constantly clenched by the fear that he doesn’t really care about you.

“What? Should I make you bleed instead?” He laughs.

Your chest constricts, your breath getting caught in your throat. Your lips tremble as you quirk your jaw trying to curb the anger bubbling up.

“What did you just say?”

“Babe.” He sits up on his forearms. “I’m just trying to rile you up a little bit. I’m just having a little fun.” He looks you up and down, he’s getting harder underneath you.

Right… this is something you’re familiar with. Something that could lead to even a moment of serenity. But it’s never that way with him. His eyes judge you and urge you to satisfy him. He doesn’t even have to say a word and you’re scrambling to make sure he’s pleased. You’re giving your all as he lazily lies beneath you, enjoying the show. Exuding passion with nothing in return is exhausting, that exhaustion finally dawning on you.

“Well I’m not.” You say before swinging your leg back over him. You slide out of his bed and start putting your clothes back on.

“Where are you going? Come on, you don’t actually want to leave.” He barely moves, just shifting a little to the side.

“I just need a little space for the night.” You hurriedly slip into your pants, wanting to leave instead of having this conversation.

“No you don’t. You need company like you need water.” His velvety smooth voice that once coaxed you into giving your all to him is gone. What’s left is harsh yet dismissive.

“You don’t know what I need, Myungsoo.” You shoot back, throwing your shirt on the bed.

“I know, everyone knows. You’re so lonely you walk around everywhere like a lost puppy but run away whenever anyone tries to get to know you. There’s a reason you were texting me and not your friends you were just drinking with. I’m all you have. So don’t be stupid.”

Just like that, the harsh lines in his face melt away and he’s back to smirking, patting the space beside him in the bed.

Is this what you deserve? They say you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. And he’s right. He’s so right, again. Maybe you should just sink into the warmth and turn your brain off. Turn on the switch to perform.

However, as you think, emotions build inside you. It feels like pressure behind your skull threatening to pop. Tears abruptly start gushing down your face as you grab your shirt and rush out of the door. You can’t stop the ugly noises from leaving you as you rush home in the cold night air.

By the time you’re in your own bed, your face and head hurt from the intensity of your sobs. There are no tears left as you continue to sob. It didn’t work. You were supposed to use him as an opportunity to take away some stress but somehow it’s worse. There’s nothing you can do. You’ll just have to live with this alone. Forever.

CRACK

-🖊️⇝

“I was so close but I didn’t make it.” Jiwon sighs dejectedly.

“I don’t know what they don’t see in you! I think you’re a great performer.” Kai laments.

“You did a great job.” Beomgyu rubs her hand and she instantly smiles.

“Thanks. And at the end of the day I still have my group and you guys.” Everyone gushes at her response.

Beomgyu’s mind wanders to the place it has been going frequently these days. He wonders what you’re doing. What it would be like if you were still friends with the members. If he didn’t make you cry. Would you be smiling as widely as Jiwon is even after failing?

“Look who’s lost in thought again.” Soobin pats Beomgyu’s back but he’s stuck. He’s nestled deep within thoughts of you.

“You know you could talk to us about anything, right?” Jiwon moves her hand to caress his. No. He doesn’t know this. In fact, he knows it’s not true.

“Why do you think she was crying that day?” Beomgyu doesn’t look up but the table goes quiet. The tension is lathered thick over the air. Jiwon laughs nervously.

“Wait, Beomgyu weren’t you just talking about–” Jiwon attempts to change the topic.

“You would think she’d be really happy right now.” He continues.

“Let’s not talk about this–” Jiwon tries but Beomgyu turns toward her.

“Didn’t you say I could talk to you guys about anything?”

“But Beomgyu… talking about her is only going to make you more upset.” Jiwon lowers her voice, going back to how cautious she was when they first met.

“Do I look upset? You guys are the ones acting like there’s a gun to your heads when she’s brought up.” Beomgyu resumes eating while everyone else is still frozen.

“Gyu. It’s because you should let go of her. It’ll be better for you.” Her hand that was once soothing on his now felt like an owner trying to calm their dog after someone knocked on the door.

“You don’t know what’s better for me.” Beomgyu grumbles.

Soobin stands abruptly. “Beomgyu, can we talk in the kitchen?”

“Gladly.” Beomgyu immediately follows the taller male out the dining room and down the hall. Before Soobin could start scolding him he had things to get off his chest first.

“Why did you introduce me to her in the first place?”

“She asked to meet you. She was interested.” Soobin expresses annoyedly.

“I’m sure plenty of girls have done that, why did you decide to do so for her.” Beomgyu probes.

“Because I knew her and trusted her.”

“Trusted her to be able to handle a project.” Beomgyu rushes out. And before Soobin can deny anything he’s rushing toward him with a finger pointed at his face. “I don’t need to be fixed.”

Soobin sighs, uneasy about how this conversation may go.

“You’re not broken, you’re hurt. Everyone gets hurt, Beomgyu. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help. We’re just trying to help you move on-”

“I don’t want to move on! You guys were so fucking anal about how I treated her and now you just pretend she doesn’t exist?” Beomgyu shouts furiously.

Soobin decides it’s better to just rip off the bandaid. There's no changing the truth.

“She’s gone. It’s been half a year and she’s made no attempt to reach out to any of us. It’s clear that part of our lives is over. Beomgyu, you need to focus on yourself right now. We can get through this together.” Soobin tries to coax a reasonable reaction out of Beomgyu but it doesn’t seem to be working. He’s only getting more worked up.

“Stop. Stop.” Beomgyu shoves his hands into his hair before gritting his teeth. “I’m so sick of everyone shoving me under a telescope. At least she never pried.”

“Are you insinuating that what you guys had was anything remotely healthy? Continuously hanging around someone who you despise that much isn’t good for either of you. I saw the marks all over her body.”

Beomgyu sees red, he’s grabbing Soobin’s collar before he could think it through.

“You shut your fucking mouth. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know her like I do.” Beomgyu shoves him away, his glare hot like lava as he walks out of the room. Heading toward his bedroom he doesn’t see Jiwon on the other side of the doorway. She bites her fist as a tear trickles down her cheek.

“When’s Beomgyu coming over next?” Mao asks, switching to kneel on the couch toward a stone faced Jiwon. Jiwon takes in a quick breath, checking one last time if this is the right move.

“I don’t think he is.”

Mao and the other girls in the room all make a noise in surprise and crowd around Jiwon on the couch. “What the hell happened?” Haeyoon asked incredulously.

Jiwon lets out a small derisive laugh to pair with a tiny smirk as she drops her head. “He’s hung up over his ex.”

The girls all switch between comforting her and cursing him.

“Who’s the ex?” Chaerin asks angrily.

Jiwon thinks on it again. Fuck it.

“Do you know that song Strawberry Jam?”

-🖊️⇝

Something is unresolved. That much is clear as you both lay in your own rooms, tear stains on each of your pillows. And as long as it stays unresolved, you both will be unable to be loved.

You’ve denied four invitations to hang out with Chaewon, and you’re surprised she still asks. This month is a free schedule for you to rest after your song promotions are over.

Beomgyu either plays video games until his eyes are dry or lies in bed scrolling through social media. His members pop in to give him food.

Your stomach twists painfully as you watch tv in bed. The colors dance around blurrily as your eyes start to water again.

A month didn’t feel like a month, but you lost track of your days so it makes sense when your manager comes into your room.

“What’s that smell? Get up and take a shower. We’re going to go over this month’s schedule.” She shuts the door, trusting that you’ll follow orders. Even she used to be kinder to you. What’s the use of attempting to start relationships when they don’t work out. Even your own parents don’t talk to you anymore. You laugh hoarsely. The laughing grows louder and louder until you’re cackling.

You cackle in the shower as well. Is this what happens after you’ve cried so much tears don’t come out anymore?

Beomgyu regretted chasing away Jiwon the minute he did it. She had a similar hurt expression to you when he yelled at her to get out of his room. Look at how each of his relationships ended. Why the hell would Hyesoo stay with a guy like him. Beomgyu’s lip quivers before he’s crying into his pillow again.

You both carry out what’s scheduled for you numbly, so checked out neither of you can add anything valuable to any conversation.

“Remember how you signed up to be an MC? Well you got accepted! You can continue submitting songs for your next comeback but this should be your priority for now.” One of the women at the table inform you. Fuck, you did do that, didn’t you.

It turns out it’s pretty easy. Just smile and read your lines. It’s much easier to turn your MC switch on, it seems. You had even gotten comfortable with it. Your co-MC is friendly. Formal, but friendly. Everything was working out.

You lift up your cue card in the silence of your empty room.

“And here’s TXT with their new comeback...” Your enthusiasm wanes when you think about standing in a room with him again.

CRACK

It’ll be fine, just flip the switch.

You can feel that he’s there, everyone can feel the tension. The you that was involved with him is switched off right now. Right now you’re conducting an interview.

Beomgyu slowly fades to the background as you watch the other members, remembering the good memories you had together. Soobin does most of the talking which makes your chest unwittingly constrict. After this you’ll be all alone again.

The makeup artist finally gets done touching up your makeup and you get a moment to stew. Only a short moment as the other MC approaches.

“Hey, are you okay?”

The simple question forces your switch off. The two of you made eye contact at the end of the interview, and for some reason a whirlwind of emotions threatened to escape you. You’re not okay.

“It’s just, I know you have a past with Beomgyu.”

“Yeah–” You look up at him as your brain fog slowly dissipates. “What did you say?”

“I heard that you wrote Strawberry Jam about him and I…”

Everything silently shatters, the pieces remaining all clattering to the floor.

“Look at the back of her neck.” You whip your head around to see two idols whispering before looking shocked and scurrying away. You send a shaky hand to the back of your neck to cover it. Doing so makes your sleeve drop and reveal scratches on your arm. You begin hyperventilating as you scan your surroundings. Multiple people, staff, idols, everybody is whispering and looking at you. You block out the other MC yelling after you as you run out of the room.

Was it Myungsoo? Was he retaliating because you left him? You never mentioned Beomgyu though. No… it could only be one person. Tears stream down your face as you hunt for their dressing room. You pass a mirror on the way and get stuck staring at your void of a face. Only a pair of reddened, crazed eyes stare back. You refocus on your hunt and finally find their door. You swing it open and rush toward Beomgyu in a frenzy.

As you enter, everything around Beomgyu is a blur. The staff looking shocked, Yeonjun and Soobin jumping up to restrain you. And you. Your makeup is completely ruined with a look of utter fury on your face as you cock your hand back before striking him across the face. Time goes back to normal as the staff gasp. Beomgyu places a hand over his stinging flesh. It prickles, burning through his numbness. The initial impact of the slap was like a crack of lightning striking him. He feels a blur of emotions threatening to pour out.

“Why the fuck would you do that?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Yeonjun and Soobin had successfully restrained you but you thrash to get free. You curse and swipe at Beomgyu, yelling incoherently. Beomgyu slowly stands up and approaches you. Taehyun has to join and hold each arm when Beomgyu is in reaching distance.

“Let me go!” You shriek like a raging animal, trying to rip yourself free. You kick at him, your heels striking his shins and sending a piercing bout of pain up his legs.

“What the fuck are you doing?! Get away from her!” Soobin yells.

“Let her go.” Beomgyu yells over the commotion.

“What?! Why would–” Yeonjun starts but Soobin lets go.

“Just do it. Let him have her.” Soobin spits, scowling at the younger male whose eyes are still trained on you. Taehyun and Yeonjun let you go and you immediately slap him again.

“You just couldn’t help trying to ruin my career again? Do you really hate me that much after I gave you what you wanted?” You whisper shakily, your eyes wild as they take him in.

“Beomgyu… what did you do?” Kai’s voice is weak behind him.

Beomgyu takes your arm and pulls you out of the room. You yell for him to let you go and strike his arm. Each hit is like a jolt of clarity for Beomgyu, the pain an afterthought. He pulls you into an empty room where you begin banging your fists against his chest. He stumbles backward, slamming you against the door and shutting it.

He restrains your arms, squeezing them to keep them steady as you thrash again. “Why?! What else do you want?!”

“What did I do, he asked.” Beomgyu laughed. He throws his head against the door and laughs harder. You look on in utter disbelief.

“Is this funny to you?”

“What’s funny is that I didn’t do anything and somehow shit has still hit the fan. My members are questioning me again, you’re fucking hitting me again.” The amusement Beomgyu was expressing earlier is completely gone as he starts his rant.

“You told everyone that my song was about us!”

“I didn’t!” He shouts back.

“Then who did Beomgyu?!”

“I’m not the only person who knew about us.” Beomgyu yanks you closer by your arms. You finally manage to free your arms and you drive a finger into his chest.

“But you are the only person who has proven to be malicious enough to do something like this.”

“How do you know it’s not one of your friends? You’re all big and famous now, maybe you shouldn’t go around telling anyone your secrets.”

“I don’t have any friends anymore, Beomgyu!” You shout, your voice cracking as a lone tear rolls down your cheek. “Remember? You drove me away from my only friends. I didn’t go “whoring around Enhypen”. I have no one.” The last of the sentence shreds your throat. You run your hands over your face before pointing at him again. “I’m going through enough and you choose to fuck with me. This is all I have Beomgyu!” You pound both your fists against his chest and again you’re moving in slow motion. He can see it in your eyes. In how hard you clench your teeth. He can feel it each time you strike him.

“Why would you do it?” You sob.

“Slap me.”

You gape at him, chest rising and falling violently as you make up for the amount of air you lost.

Beomgyu is the one getting riled up now. “Do it. Slap me. Fucking do it–”

You strike him hard enough that the corner of his mouth splits.

“Do it again.”

Your hand is impacting his cheek as soon as his sentence ends.

“Again.”

You’re both breathing frantically as you slap him again and another time before he can even ask. He grabs your forearm and yanks you closer. “Do it. I know what you want. Fucking ruin me.”

You grab his face and pull his mouth to smash against yours. He lifts you up and you immediately wrap your legs around him. The taste of his tongue, his blood, it lights you up. All your emotions come flooding out as you grip his shirt and tear it apart. Your noses bump harshly against each other as he repositions you against the wall.

You can barely act on your urges with how intense Beomgyu’s actions are. Every ounce of passion you exude is given back to you tenfold. Within moments of letting you down you are both bare for each other.

Beomgyu’s skin being exposed is perfect for your nails dying to sink into it. You reach your arms under his that cage against the wall and slowly rake your fingernails down his back. He winces, letting out small noises of pain. The anger and sadness inside you has hit its peak. You’re so fucking angry, but the pained look on his face hurts.

You want to do something about your anger, but you still retract your hands and sink against the wall. Beomgyu looks at you confused before drawing closer. You shy away from him, whimpering as the bitter truth sets in.

Beomgyu didn’t force you to stop talking to Soobin. Beomgyu didn’t force you to ghost your friends. Beomgyu isn’t the cause of your loneliness.

It’s you.

He reaches out to touch you but you push him away. His saddened eyes make you ache which in turn makes you more angry. But you can no longer bring yourself to hit him. A surge of rage sends your own hand across your face. The sting is distracting, it’s something. You strike your other cheek harder and Beomgyu stops you before you can do it again.

“No.” He takes your hand and pulls it near his face. Your eyes follow your hand as it closes in on him.

“Hit me.”

Your eyes move slowly towards his lips as they form the words, then up to his dark, big eyes. They’re swarming with depth and emotion. You take in his entire face, reddened by your hand. Lips swollen from your mouth. Hair tousled in the chaos. You see him.

You thought tears would be a rare occurrence by now, but there goes another, skitting from your cheekbone to the floor. You smile bitterly.

“I can’t.”

The gleam of your tears brings life to your otherwise tired eyes. He wants to question why, to wallow in self pity with his own delusional reasoning. But no, in your face is all the answers he needs. The same reason he hasn’t hurt you once this entire time. You sigh, letting your head fall, your eyes darkening as they close.

“I don’t know what else to do.” You express weakly.

Seeing you tremble silently makes his previous attempts to pin his resentment on you seem absurd. Beomgyu lets go of your hand.

“I don’t either.”

It’s like clarity washes over the both of you at the same time as you both take in your surroundings. Assess the situation. You shake your head.

“Then what are we doing here?” You brush past him in pursuit of your clothing, pick up each article scattered around the room.

“It’s just like we said. We don’t know what else to do.” He says behind you.

You slow your collection as you let his words sink in. You’ve exhausted every other option. Therapy, rough sex, songwriting, diaries, crying. Then you feel his warmth behind you. Your eyes ease closed as you melt into him. Your mind goes blank and for the first time in a long time, it’s not out of force or sheer exhaustion. Both of you relax into one another. You’d have to go out eventually, explain yourself and face scrutiny. Risk people’s opinions of you degrading. There’s nothing to worry about here. You’ve already seen the worst of each other. There’s nothing to guard in fear.

You turn around to face him. He looks different. Softer. Unintimidating. He could say the same for you. You climb on top of him, shivering as his member brushes against your mound. Your lips meld together like softening butter. They glide, becoming slick with the other’s saliva.

He glides his nose up the side of your face as he slips inside you. Both of your mouths hang agape as he slots all the way in. He’s buried deep inside you, no space left unfilled. The two of you substitute kissing for pressing your heads together, feeling every part of the other's skin. You trail your tongue across his jaw before kissing up to his ear. Every sense is filled with Beomgyu to the point where you can’t think of anything else. His makeup, his cologne, his body wash, his deodorant, his lotion, his taste, his touch, him, him, him. Your heart swells as he showers you with as much attention as you give him and then some.

Your hips move in unison, grinding together. Once you kiss again there’s no longer any space in between. Disconnecting sends slightly louder pants and moans into the air as you both start moving faster. You’ve never heard him moan like this. It’s so unrestrained and vulnerable, exposing his eagerness just as much as his hands squeezing your ass does.

You find you feel full in more ways than one right now. He saw you at your ugliest and he’s still here right now holding you like he never plans to let go. As if reading your thoughts, he clutches you even closer. You feel a light, bubbly laugh float from your chest as your legs start to tingle. You gasp as you climax with a stutter of your hips. Your movements slow ‘til they’ve almost ceased as you drowsily rest your forehead on his. The two of you rock back and forth in the only clean circle of the room amongst the chaos.

A moment of serenity is all the two of you are granted when you hear a knock at the door. Soobin comes in, looking disappointed as he regards you both.

“Are you done? Everyone’s looking for you.”

-🖊️⇝

Beomgyu got an earful for disappearing that day. You could’ve gotten into an ungodly amount of trouble if the other MC didn’t stick up for you. He felt responsible and was beyond apologetic. You forgave him, of course. He did nothing wrong. Also, you've come to terms with the fact that you know you have nothing to do with that song. It's someone else's demo you got paid to perform. It doesn't define you.

“Hey, are you coming?” Chaewon asks. You go to answer but notice a couple of conflicted looks from her members. A quick thought that you “better not annoy them” crosses your mind. You imagine tagging along and making things awkward and it makes you wince.

“No, I-”

“Come on.” Yunjin says dismissively and pulls you by the arm to follow them to their next location.

You sit stiffly on the couch, clapping along to Eunchae’s loud singing as everyone around you cheers.

She concludes with two bows and a loud ‘thank you’ into the microphone.

“Go ahead and pick who’s next.” Yunjin yells gleefully. You’re too distracted to realize Yunjin’s hand is hovering over you with her finger extended down.

“Hmm…” Eunchae pretends to think about it for a comically short amount of time before yelling out your name. Your confusion is cut short by a cheering Yunjin and Chaewon pushing you toward the screen. She hands you the mic which you take hesitantly. Once they're seated again they initiate a chant.

“Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!”

Your brain does the honors of going over all of the embarrassing ways this could play out. Regardless of that, you’re already singing. It’s either that or running out the door, and the latter would take much more effort and explaining. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?

You finish to cheers and applause and you bow in response.

-🖊️⇝

Things in the dorm have gone back to being tense. Soobin isn’t giving Beomgyu the silent treatment this time, but it’s clear he’s disappointed. Everyone is under the impression that they hooked up again only to go back to hating each other. Mostly because you haven’t come over yet. Beomgyu was giving it some time, but now he’s ready.

“Stop acting weird.” He sighs, rubbing his nose bridge. “I did have sex with her. No, the song isn’t about me. We don’t hate each other. You guys can stop tiptoeing around me now.”

The members visibly untense, but only to express confusion.

“Where is she then?” Soobin speaks up, casting a stern look his way.

“Why does her being here matter?” Beomgyu finally gets to ask.

“Remember when you called me naive for having faith in her?” Soobin grits his teeth. “After all that she’s still-”

You cautiously click open the door, slowly revealing your apologetic expression. “I was going to wait but I didn’t…” You stop when you see the hardened look on Soobin’s face upon seeing you. “H-hello everyone.”

Kai stands up and marches over to give you a crushing hug. The gesture makes your heart flutter.

“You didn’t even call.” He pouts.

“I’m sorry.” You squeeze out. Taehyun and Yeonjun come next. Taehyun gives you a side hug while Yeonjun pats your back.

“Welcome back.” Yeonjun says with a wide smile.

The moment is interrupted by Soobin walking out of the living room into his own and slamming the door. You immediately follow after him, an action that Beomgyu watches carefully. Of course he notices a sharp pain in his chest, but he sits with it. Studies it. You could be chasing after him to reveal your true feelings and this time he may accept. He doesn’t want that. It even makes him a little bitter, but he can’t stop you. He can say whatever ugly words come to his mind to try and scare you away, but this time they may not work. And you’re not doing anything wrong. Him cuddling with you and drifting off to sleep in your bed doesn’t mean you’re dating. Moreover, you’re not Hyesoo. He’s seen every part of you by now. Regardless of everything, he’ll still be happy to have you in his life.

“You have sex with me and then never show your face again? Do you know how that feels?” Soobin explains desperately with tears springing to his eyes. “I knew the sex was meaningless, that was the whole point, but for you to up and leave afterward like I was just some random guy really sucks.”

“I-I didn’t want to leave, Soobin. I was too mortified to show my face again.”

“Because that’s what you guys being together does! You break down each other and then turn to breaking down those around you just trying to help. It’s selfish for you to waltz back in here like everything is back to normal.”

“It’s not.” You state confidently. “Everything is very, very different now. I can’t go into public spaces without being recognized, I have more people around me than ever before, and Beomgyu and I don’t hate each other anymore. You said it yourself, we’re similar and we wreck everything around us. We do it to ourselves. Beomgyu realizes it now and I certainly do. I don’t want things to go back to normal, because that version of me is gone.” The more you speak, the easier the words come. You smile hopefully at Soobin.

“I’m moving on with or without you, but I’d really love it if you entered this new chapter with me.”

You grab both of Soobin’s hands as his head droops. He’s silent for what feels like decades passing you by. Then he squeezes your hands.

Epilogue 🖊️⇝

Chaewon: you should apologize.

You pass the phone to Beomgyu in the midst of his “advice”. He crosses one arm over his chest as he reads the very short text for an inappropriate amount of time.

“But you didn’t know, right?”

“That doesn’t mean I’m not in the wrong.” You groan, snatching your phone back. He snatches it right back and starts texting.

“Hey!” You go to take your phone back but he leans away further and further until his body is caging the phone against the couch. You climb over him and bite his shoulder but he just laughs as the text is sent. You frantically snatch your phone back and look in horror.

You: tomorrow at my house 6pm;’2[21

“What the fuck! Beomgyu!” You shriek.

“You didn’t know, therefore you didn’t intentionally do anything wrong. But you did hurt Kazuha’s feelings and the members are very mad at you.” He explains calmly, smacking on his food.

“Thanks for reminding me of my unfortunate situation.” You deadpan.

“You were worried they think you're a horrible person. Boom–” He motions at your phone with his sandwich. “You can fix that. You’re worried you’re actually a horrible person, but you had no intentions of hurting anyone.”

“Yeah but you weren’t there. The way I said it was so insensitive in context and the look on Zuha’s face,” You whimper and hide your face in your hands.

“You didn’t hurt her on purpose.” The finality in Beomgyu’s voice makes you look up at him. His face is serious. “I’m certain of it. Now come here.” He pats his lap and you’re eagerly scooting over to lay your head on his lap. He sighs.

“You idiot.” He brushes away the tear falling down your face. “Why don’t you listen to me?”

“Hurting someone as sweet as her is pure evil.” You whisper.

“I don’t have to know you to say that an evil person wouldn’t be this remorseful. But knowing you, you’re not the type of person to go into an exchange ready to hurt an innocent person. You’re the type of person who sits quietly thinking about what you could say that will make people laugh the loudest and smile the brightest. I’m very sure that’s what you were thinking that day as well.” He voices his thoughts as he strokes your hair, stroking your cheek with his thumb. He looks down to meet your gaze and you feel the singe of a fire starting in your heart. He smiles lazily and it's the cherry on top of the artwork that is his face.

You slowly lean up before capturing his lips. It’s slow, tender, loaded. Kissing him after all the chaos feels like lying in a field of dandelions, the seeds breaking away and dancing in the wind. His skin feels like the warm hug of sunlight. His voice is like birds singing. You pull away and look at him in awe. He seems to be mirroring your feelings if his drunken expression is anything to go by. He shuts his mouth and brushes the back of his hand against your cheek.

“You’re kissing me outside of us having sex?” Beomgyu sports exaggerated shock and presses his palm to your forehead. His antics force a giggle out of you. “Are you sick?!”

You swipe his hand away, unable to ignore the burning light in your chest as you look at him and he silently looks back. You lean in and kiss him one last time before risking it all once you realize what this feeling is.

“I think I love you.” You whisper, looking desperately at his face to catch anything unsavory. His smile drops, looking genuinely shocked this time. He grabs your face and pecks your lips over and over before moving to the other parts of your face until you're stuck in a fit of laughter. He pulls away with adoration in his eyes.

“I loved you first.”

#txt #beomgyu #one way #kpop #smut #angst #TO FREEDOM!!111!

207 notes · View notes

twitteringthings · 3 months

Text

Chapter 56 - Second Spoiler Analysis

Okay everyone, my gears have been TURNING and GRINDING. So, I am going to analyze the shit out of this second spoiler because why not throw caution to the wind and come up with the most bizarre predictions 2 days before the new release?! Beware!! lol XD

My thoughts are under the cut!!

Body Language!

As far as I know, we haven't seen D hold Y in this position before, it's protective and provocative at the same time. Idk, looks like D's staking his claim to me...And trying to provoke something from Y. Confession? Truth? Desire?

D still has all of his clothing on, he hasn't even taken off his gloves, what this says to me is that Y probably said some snarky shit and D couldn't take it anymore? But Hoooowwww did they get from the couch to here?! I'm assuming Yashiro tried to walk away from and dismiss Doumeki AGAIN, but he said 'NOOPEE, not this timeeee."

Yashiro is obviously nervous/stunned/literally backed into a corner. So, I assume we are at the point where D gives Y another ultimatum? ORR he's provoking him with his words? "Why did you want me instead of Kamiya?" "I know you only respond to my touch" "You know you want this" "Why do you hold yourself back with me" "I know" "Yashiro-San, do you actually have feelings for me?" LOL I'm spit balling here!

Y isn't looking D in his eyes (he's looking down), almost like he can't face the TRUTH of his emotions. Maybe that's what D is trying to probe out of him here.

Not a prediction buuut...Look at D's hand on Y's ass! :0 Anyone else getting hot/nervous?

I really think D is asking Y a question here, his mouth is open slightly and Yashiro is sweating and looking down as if he's trying to find the "right" (shit to say that won't give his feelings away) thing to say.

Yashiro's right hand is slightly raised, will he touch D? Put his hand on his chest? Caress his scar?? I'm going to explode, it's not safe for me to run away with my thoughts like this LMAO.

What Could D Be Saying?!

I honestly think he is either bringing up past situations he realized that were acts of care/desire from Y or telling Y that he knows about his impotency/true feelings.

"What you said about me to Tsukanawa was a lie, you threw me away because you couldn't handle falling in love." AHHH IDK IDK!

"Tell me you want this - tell me you want me, and I'm yours." HAHAHHAGSUGAHSGSHA

"Are you still afraid of me - to be with me?"

Who knows at this point?

Final Thoughts

First, Disclaimer: I could be wrong about literally everything here, but what can I say? I like to get my own hopes up! These are just my humble opinions and hopes that I share about my favorite love story <3

I think the confession is upon us. Unless Kamiya interrupts again, if that happens, I will break the fourth wall myself and tie him up in my basement. Or if Nana calls...but it's the middle of the night so I doubt either things will occur. Anyway, I think this is the chapter we will see Y take what he wants, and his walls totally crumble. Who knows, he may even cry again but this time he will allow Doumeki to comfort him. Will Yashiro make love to the Doumeki from all those years ago? Will Doumkei finally take off his pants?! Will Yashiro touch Doumeki? Whatever happens, I'm just happy to be here, lol.

It's so fun predicting Yoneda-Sensei's next move, I'm terribly thrilled for whatever is in store!!

#saezuru spoilers #saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru #twittering birds never fly #yashiro #doumeki x yashiro #manga #yaoi bl #doumeki chikara #yaoi #yaoi manga #saezuru fandom #saezuru feels

82 notes · View notes

evilcowgirl · 1 year

Note

Hi! i was thinking of a prompt for some headcanons for autistic! reader x the gang members (any one you like!)

a sort of "they're a bit odd but i like that about em" since it wasnt discovered until 1911.

stuff like when reader gets overwhelmed/doesnt understand social que/shows empathy/apathy at the wrong moments

and mostly what they'd do when reader feels left out/like they dont belong because thats something im really struggling with </3

have a good day/night!

autistic reader relationship headcannons

pairings: arthur, javier, dutch, charles x reader

a/n: hiii loved this request sm !! feeling left out is the worst feeling but there's a place for everyone so pls remember that !! also i included dutch and john for the first time !! this is me using my autism powers for good

word count: 1k (combined)

Arthur

you bond over you both feeling unheard in the gang. you because communication is difficult for you (especially when you feel out of place) and for arthur it's because he and dutch got into an argument twenty minutes ago and he's still mad.

makes it his personal responsibility to make sure you never feel overlooked at camp because he knows how hard it is for you to settle in with the rest of the gang

during parties at camp he makes sure to keep you right by his side of you don't feel up to talking and reassures you that everything is fine if you get overwhelmed

doesn't think twice about intimidating your way out of situations he sees going south

"You can't just go around talking to folks like that"

"Nah you ain't do nothing wrong, just that people 'round here are real quick-tempered; thankfully for you i'm even quicker."

he writes about you in his journal more than anything else, pages and pages are dedicated to just how special you are to him !!

"They aren't like most folk, I like that about them."

arthur takes it as you being less influenced by social norms, which he's naturally drawn to as someone who doesn't get along too well with social norms either.

KING of aggressive reassurance, sometimes it can be off putting but you know he means every word he says.

"I promise you if they didn't want you here you'd be long gone, darlin'"

"Everyone here loves you, I think even more than they love me at this point so stop your nonsense."

Dutch

biggest autism fan

calls you eccentric because thats how he chooses to describe you to people

completely over analyzes everything you say because he thinks you're the most interesting person he's ever met !! you might as well be evelyn miller !!

to him, you are so unique and precious that he finds himself being overly protective

his protectiveness could a flaw depending on your mood because he never notices that he's smothering you until you're past the point of being overstimulated by the attention.

you made a mistake ? no you didn't, you could never.

would rather watch a man die slowly than let you be confronted, even if you can take up for yourself.

"If he doesn't like your manners he'll be terribly disappointed to find that mine are much worse"

"Don't you dare waste your breath apologizing to anyone, sweet thing."

notices the small things about you like how enthralled you were by the noise his rings make when they brush against a glass or how you hate the feeling of too many eyes on you

you're the only person other than arthur that he feels like he can vent to without being judged.

will listen to you ramble about whatever you're interested in at the moment for as long as your interest lasts. has no problem with you coming up to him to talk about horses for a month straight if he gets to see you happy

Javier

he just thinks you're neat

you have a chest filled with little gifts that he brings you from his trips out of camp because you told him you like collecting things once.

little calm walks through the woods when things aren't going well, and even when they are and you just miss each other's company.

always reminds you to prepare yourself for the loud noise when he feels like he might have to use his gun if loud noises bother you.

"Remember to cover your ears, amor"

because of his own strict morals and passion for what he stands for he appreciates your straightness with what you believe. its easy for him to talk to you because he can trust you to be honest.

loyalty is a huge thing for javier so you can trust him to stand up for you diligently regardless of what it's about

someone made a snide comment ?? dead !

he adores everything you view as a flaw about yourself. from your struggles with putting things in a way that people can swallow easily, to your excitement for whats often seen as mundane.

"That's amazing, amor, tell me more!"

javier is definitely a self-identified romantic and finds ways to romance you even if sometimes you don't pick up on his affections.

always invites you to sit near him around the fire and listen to him play !! every song is for you because he knows you like his music

could not care less about your issues with empathy because he has them too after everything he's been through.

would never force you to feel something you don't or don't understand and reminds you that you're just as caring and lovable as anyone else

John

"You're a bit off, you know?"

will ask you why you do certain things, not to be rude but out of genuine curiosity and a lack of manners.

literally so clueless

thought that you hated him in the beginning and held a grudge that you didn't even know about, but once he realized that you simply expressed emotions differently than most people he warmed up to you over time

he wasn't exactly sure how to approach you even though he was interested and he's NOT at all used to being nervous around people he's interested in

tried and failed to strike up conversations with you numerous times before finally switching up his approach and realizing that small talk wasn't going to get him anywhere with you.

the term autism and it's symptoms weren't recognized medically until much later, there was no term for it which often led to people simply avoiding the topic of your differences or leaving you out completely. john on the other hand was incredibly frank about everything and never tries to convince you that you're just like everyone else. he knows that you're not and so do you, what matters to him is that he loves you just as you are.

gets aggressive when you're overwhelmed, not with you but to everyone else around you. hates seeing you stressed out and it gets him stressed too.

"They said they don't want any bother." when you definitely did not say that

sitting in his tent with him while you both calm down and sweet hugs and comforting words afterwards

only he is allowed to poke fun of you everyone else knows you're off limits

Charles

i like my bitches weird an offputting -charles i think

charles is the first person you think has truly known you without treating you any differently. he didn't speak down to you, or simplify things because he saw you as less intelligent. he spoke to you like a person that was just as capable of everyone else, which you were.

gentle words of encouragement and silent glances of of acknowledgment when you need them. he always know when you need them.

so sweet with you because he knows what it feels like to not belong in more ways than he could even list

"Would you like to join us?"

"I'd like it if you came, you're always welcome with me."

you never feel like he's judging you for not understanding how to talk with others in a conventional way. he understands you in a way you're not used to.

he can always magically tell when you're getting overstimulated and never makes you feel like a burden for it.

sweetest man ever just wants you to be okay !!!!

always shares new things that he's learned with you because he knows you'll appreciate them. loves to tell you all about plants and animals and in return he listens eagerly to whatever hyper fixation you have at the time

you both have a similar social which leads to you spending an unsettling amount of time together

holding hands and sweet kisses when you're both up for it, regardless of who's looking

people in camp talk of course, wondering how something that's not an animal being hunted could capture charles' attention for so long

#arthur morgan x reader #john marston x reader #dutch van der linde x reader #javier escuella x reader #charles smith x reader #dutch van der linde #rdr2 #rdr2 fanfic #arthur morgan headcanons #john marston headcanons #dutch van der linde headcanons #charles smith headcanons #javier escuella headcanons

816 notes · View notes

part-time-zombie · 5 months

Text

Alright buckle up I'm analyzing again so here we go

Virgil cares about roman, alot more than expected.

after nico starts to walk away, roman laments the loss of potential love and happiness, upset that yet again he lost the chance to pursue his goals and his dreams. At first he tries to pretend he's not too badly bothered by it, that he already made peace with another failure, but it doesn't take long for him to drop the facade and voice his disappointment.

He says it's good that thomas didn't ask him out, clearly feeling very defeated. He feels that since everything he tries to achieve fails, perhaps the failure is him. Maybe there's something wrong with him, something unworthy of love and happiness (at least that's what he thinks about himself right now), but he thinks that remaining single and alone, while not ideal, is what he deserves, since he doubts he can even properly ask a guy out let alone keep one in Thomas's life.

Virgil hears this and it shocks him. He's never seen roman look so defeated, say something so lonely. Virgil wasn't there for POF, and even if he heard about the events later, he wouldn't have seen how absolutely destroyed roman was by the end of it. Virgil, up until now, had mostly seen roman as borderline obnoxiously self assured, confident if not a little arrogant. If roman let any potential insecurities slip they were quickly laughed off or ignored by everyone else, but now Virgil can see just how badly roman has been hurting, and how much it hurts him to see roman like this.

Seeing roman like this, virgil makes a decision. He doesn't know how, but he wants to help, to make things right or at least better for him. He sees how much this means to roman, virgil himself was at least optimistic if not exited about nico, even if starting a relationship was daunting to him. He knows this is important to roman, even if he cant fully understand why right now. Virgil is terrified, he doesn't even know what he's doing right now but he knows he has to do something to fix this, so he takes that fear and pushes through it, using it as a force to physically shove thomas at nico, hoping that it will give roman another shot at happiness.

It works, much to romans excitement and virgils disbelief. Thomas sits down and talks with nico while virgil and roman watch on, and as roman practically glows with happiness virgil can only think about how and why he did that, and why seeing roman this happy makes him feel less afraid.

(what are you talking about I'm not crying you're crying!)

#virgil sanders #roman sanders #thomas sanders #sanders sides #ts virgil #ts roman #prinxiety #analysis

115 notes · View notes

wen-kexing-apologist · 1 year

Text

Mommy Dearest 2.0

This time it's about Bed Friend!

And it's not about the mothers in Bed Friend as much as it is about everyone's favorite Walking Green Flag: King and how he is Thinking, Watching, Evaluating Uea and his relationship to his mother. Because I've been thinking about this a lot since Episode 4 and I just haven't gotten around to writing about it yet.

Within five minutes of this show airing, we as an audience know exactly what Uea's relationship to his mother is. We know how completely and precisely she is responsible for his trauma both in the past and in the present. But no one else does.

King certainly doesn't.

But, King is perceptive, and King, by way of the narrative, is present for (or the cause of) a great number of Uea's triggers throughout the show so far. And he has no context for them outside of his own observations, but again, King is perceptive.

So the lights go out and Uea crumples in the parking lot. And at this point, maybe King doesn't know what happened (that Uea is scared of the dark) he just knows Uea is having a strong reaction to something.

Uea sees the abuse he has suffered at the hands of his mother

King sees a panic attack.

So Uea and the rest of the office go out for drinks and Uea sits in the back and watches everyone have fun, until he is alone in the bathroom and gets a text.

Uea sees the abuse of filial piety at the hands of his mother

King sees Uea's sudden shift in behavior from being introverted and sipping a drink in the corner, to drinking everything in sight

Shout out to reflections in this show for giving me endless moments of King looking at Uea.

Episode 2

King is grappling with his guilt and concern for Uea in the aftermath of their one night stand, and he (as usual tbh) spends a lot of his time staring right at Uea. Trying to pick apart every facial expression Uea makes.

Uea gets a call

and the next thing King knows Uea is rushing out of work early, panicked and heading to the hospital. And so he tries to help by driving Uea there.

What Uea sees is his mother, whose accident was not super severe, manipulating him, blaming him for the accident, and once again asking him for money, in a way he isn't able to ignore or avoid.

Uea has his typical shut down reaction to the interaction, but crucially in episode 2, King is there to witness Uea's relationship to his mother. He's able to see the way Uea's mother demands money from him, he's able to better contextualize Uea's behavior changes.

And when Uea's mother leaves after being given way too much of both Uea and King's money, where are King's eyes trained?

Right at Uea, and the entire exchange in the hospital when King enters the scene, King keeps looking between Uea's mother and Uea, trying to analyze the situation.

""You heard all that, didn't you?" "Yes," "I'm...sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

And this moment is great to me because we have a #respectfulKing on our hands who will not pry, or push Uea to tell him anything. He doesn't act expectant or entitled to any context or backstory of Uea's that might help explain this situation. But as we, the audience, know, King is in love with Uea, and as such I think King really wants to set himself up to be a safety zone for Uea. He wants Uea to feel comfortable, he wants Uea to feel loved, and we won't know that Uea trusts King like that until he starts talking about his history.

So King still doesn't know Uea's trauma history, but he wants to, he wants Uea to know that he has someone that cares, and so King starts to shift how he approaches conversations with Uea. Sometimes, very intentionally, and sometimes not, but every time he does it has the effect of hitting on some very specific parts of Uea's trauma.

When they get STD testing: "Why are you embarassed? We didn't do anything wrong." King might be able to sense Uea's shame/internalized homophobia, he certainly saw the panic in Uea's eyes when his Mom asked "Is this your boyfriend?" but I don't think he understands how strongly he is striking at the root of Uea's issues. His mother used to lock him in the bathroom, tell him she would beat him to death, and call him a slut. Having casual, one-night stand style sex is anxiety and guilt inducing for Uea because it meets his definition of 'slut', something he never felt like he was allowed to be.

This post is Uea's mother (and family) specific so I won't really get in to the P'Pock trauma here, but King is present to witness Uea turn and try to hide his face when he sees Pock from across the mall, and that is another thing he takes and files away.

Because King is so finely honed in on Uea's emotions (and because Uea is very obvious with his emotions), King knows something is still bothering Uea after their STI test and after dinner and he navigates a conversation about the differences people can have and want from sex, intimacy, and love. Once again striking at the crux of Uea's issue, the internalized homophobia Uea has had beaten in to him by his mother.

Episode 3

King has now seen how Uea interacts with his mother, has gotten a better understanding of his personal perceptions on sex and love, has seen him have at least one panic attack, and King is trying to fill in the blanks from there.

So Uea gets these texts in the middle of a conversation with King

"Are you avoiding my calls?" "I'm just asking for a little bit of money," "You have to come home this Sat," "Your Dad asked about you," "Don't accept the call?"

And where is King looking? Right at Uea's phone. But I don't think he's reading the messages, honestly it's probably too far away and the message are coming in pretty fast. But I'm sure that King is at the very least, able to see that Uea is getting spammed with messages from his mother, and he's able to see the way Uea's body language changes as a result.

"What happened, Uea?" King asks, because he is concerned, because he sees the way Uea retreats into himself whenever his mother is involved.

"My Mom wants me to go home," Uea replies

"You should go home,"

Now, the "you should go home," statement I find very interesting considering the conversation on Episode 4 this whole post is leading up to. That King of all people would see how Uea and his mother interact with one another and suggest that Uea go home. I think here King misinterprets what Uea is saying. By that I mean, I think Uea is actually answering King's "what happened?" as if he is answering "what's wrong?' and King is assuming that Uea is deflecting the question and just making a general statement "I have to go home tonight." King saying "you should go home," is him telling Uea it's okay to bail on whatever plans they may have been floating about hooking up that evening.

"King...tonight you can come if you want to,"

We've seen it before and we will see it again, Uea processes and regulates his emotional state through sex, through physical intimacy.

"You don't go home?"

Finally! Some semblance of an admission from Uea that something is wrong. Some honesty and a nod that Uea is starting to trust in King. King sees that and takes the opportunity to try and determine the extent of the trust he is being given.

"Are you okay, Uea?" and to me, it demonstrates a shift in their relationship, that Uea doesn't lie. He still can't tell King the truth, that he's not okay. He still can't put his emotional vulnerabilities out into the world like that, but he can stop pretending that he's okay. He can simply not respond and therefore give King the honest answer.

Throughout the show, one of Uea's coping mechanisms is sex, to seek out joy and pleasure from physical intimacy since he can't rely on emotional intimacy.

Shout out to the translation of the background OST music

It's important to me that we are shown a moment of non-sexual intimacy between King and Uea rather than sex immediately after the conversation about home. Not that sex is inherently wrong, obviously that is not the case, but because their relationship started with sex and needs to grow into something with a strong and healthy foundation. Because we need to see, and Uea needs to see that King cares for him outside of what his body can provide. Uea needs to see that King is not just in this for the sex, but that he wants more from it. So we get this lovely little moment...

...and then King accidentally triggers Uea. Uea sees his stepfather, and King sees

Fear.

Honestly, thinking about color analysis the fact that when Uea is talking about not going home he is absolutely suffocating under all that yellow, a color we know is associated pretty heavily with his childhood under the guise of striving for happiness, wishing and hoping for it. And when Uea is triggered and incapable of hiding his emotional state, he is surrounded by clear glass???? (Thoughts @respectthepetty?)

Another panic reaction from Uea, and King has yet another indication that something is wrong. Now, again we as the audience have been made aware that Uea's step-dad is the reason why he is reacting this way. But King doesn't have that same knowledge.

What he does have, is the knowledge of the previous conversation where Uea mentions he hasn't been home in a long time. What he does have, is the entire exchange in the hospital.

So though he can't know exactly what it is that caused Uea's reaction in this scene, and he can't know for sure that it has to do with Uea's family. King definitely has to know by now that something is wrong with Uea's family.

And after Uea has processed his own emotions at the memory of his childhood and he invites King back, King reaches out again to Uea. Trying to get a better understanding of why it is Uea is engaging in this FWB in the first place. And Uea says something he believes but that is fundamentally untrue, "I guess I just want to fuck up my life more," and we know this is untrue because King has been nothing but kind, attentive, devoted, open, and altogether healthy with Uea from the start of their FWB agreement.

But again, Uea is starting to trust King, so he follows up his half truth with a whole one "My life isn't great after all," and this is the truest thing I think Uea has ever said to King.

And it's important to me too, that Uea is actively and currently experiencing trauma by way of Pock in this show, and that King is around to witness all of that. Because it forces Uea and King to have conversations about it, it shows Uea that King cares about him, that he would fight for and protect him, it makes King fully aware that Uea has a lot of shit going on. It shows Uea how King does navigate potentially traumatizing situations with Uea and the that he doesn't pity or coddle Uea, but he does care, and he does check in, and he does want to genuinely know what is wrong.

And he can do that with Pock because Uea can't avoid talking about Pock when King is the one literally prying Pock off of Uea. But King wasn't there for Uea's childhood abuse, he wasn't there for the dinner at Uea's Mom's house, he is completely oblivious to the extent of Uea's childhood trauma. So he has to wait for Uea to come to him about it. He has to wait for Uea to trust him enough to share that part of himself.

Where previously Uea has retreated from everyone when actively triggered, not upset or frustrated like when he gets texts about money from his Mom but actually and actively coming down from flashes, this time he seeks King out. He is finding more comfort in King, so he calls when he could be alone. And he tries to push his emotions down, he tries to drown them out in King but this is too fresh, and King is too aware of Uea...

"Uea, is everything alright? You look anxious,"

"A little bit,"

Please picture me rubbing my hands together with glee. UEA IS HONEST! WITH HIS FEELINGS! AFTER MEETING WITH HIS MOTHER!! and King stops the physical interaction. He will not take advantage of Uea's emotional compromise. He wants Uea to be calm, he wants Uea to be regulated. Again he doesn't push or pry, he just helps Uea redirect his anxious energy in to self care. He gives Uea a birthday cake.

And boom!

Another accidental hit at a fundamentally horrible life experience of Uea's. His mother completely ignoring his birthday, leaving him to celebrate alone with only a candle. King gives him cake, shows him he cares, Uea has a chance to celebrate his birthday. And you can tell in the scene how touched Uea is that King did this for him.

But still Uea won't talk to King about it. So I think it's at this point King starts changing tactics. He will start opening up to Uea and see where that gets him.

"I'm tired,"

"What happened?"

"It's about my mom. She called me to come home. Do you have any plans for this weekend? Can I go to your room?"

"What? Don't you come home? You told me your Mom wants you to,"

(cough cough DIRECT PARALLEL cough)

"Yes she wants me to. But I don't. She's a grumpy lady,"

and GOD THANK YOU JAMES FOR UEA'S REACTION TO THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE IT IS EXQUISITE.

I wish I had a gifset to do it proper justice, but the way Uea is doing mental calculus here, the recognition, the surprise, and the hesitation he is portraying in having Uea initiate this conversation?

When I watch this scene I can't shake the feeling that there is this little, hopeful part of Uea that wants King to say "Yes," that that might be the thing that pushes Uea to be honest with King. To tell King the truth of what he's been through at this hands of his mother and step-father.

...but King says "Not exactly," and starts talking about his brother the perfectionst and Uea just...

shuts down. Because King has said the wrong thing, because Uea has decided that King would not understand what he has been through if he is complaining that his mother is grumpy because he doesn't meet his brother's standards. And while that is something that I do this Uea related to (seeing as he is the unwanted child who gets no love from his parents compared to his sister) to have King say he doesn't really have problems with his family makes me think that Uea does not think that King has an abuse problem with his family.

And because Uea, despite the way his family treated him relative to his sister, loves his sister dearly, while King seems to harbor some resentment towards his own brother.

And this is the fascinating part of this show for me, this is the scene I keep coming back to because I think this is the scene that sets the rest of the events in motion with Uea and King. Because King's mother is going to start getting in the way of their relationship. Because King is trying to get Uea to open up to him here. He is trying to be vulnerable with his feelings about his mother to Uea in the hopes that Uea will be open about his feelings about his mother. But King fundamentally misunderstands how terribly Uea is has been treated. King fundamentally misunderstands how much of the triggers he has witnessed from Uea are from his parents as opposed to from Pock.

If King had said "yes, I do have problems with my family" in this scene I whole-heartedly believe that Uea would have told him the truth about his own troubles here.

Uea is desperate to trust King, he is certainly already in love with King by this point. (If you had to ask me, Uea realized he was in love with King in episode 3 when King checks up on him outside after Pock harasses him the first time). But he's been hurt so much, and fundamentally believes that he is un-loveable, so every moment where there is a possibility of betrayal makes Uea retreat further and further.

Uea wants to trust King and we know this because when they are alone in the pool, Uea starts telling King about Lampang, about his cousins there, about how he is from there. We know this because when Uea's drunk and he therefore has less control over the wall he has built, he is the one to initiate intimacy with King. Not sexual intimacy, romantic intimacy, on the beach, at sunset.

And so the test begins.

Episode 5

Unfortunately for King, his mother is continuing to get in the way of him and Uea becoming official.

We know Uea is moving towards changing the status of his relationship to King from FWB to boyfriends, because he starts trying to test King's limits. He doesn't allow King a "reward" for not having sex with him when he was drunk, he starts telling King that he's met the weekly quota, he starts citing their rules more. If King can respect these, if King still wants to hang out with Uea when he knows that sex is not on the table, then surely King must feel the same way that Uea does.

And King, knowing that Uea trusts him more, that he's testing him, but that he's also tolerating King pushing their rules a little bit, has another opportunity to try to get Uea to fully open up to him when they go to dinner. When Uea gets the text from his mother asking about money. When King looks at him, concerned, and says "Uea,"

But before he can ask Uea anything, before he can check up on Uea at all...

King's mother calls, and sets everything in motion. King is being sent on an arranged date. King wants Uea to trust him. King wants Uea to fight for them. King wants to know where he is at with Uea and Uea is too scared of getting hurt, and so he ignores the question. He tells King that only King is able to decide if he wants to go on the date on or not. King spends so much of Episode 5 after this conversation trying to show Uea that he doesn't want anyone else.

And King gets that final confirmation that he is a safe zone for Uea when the lights go out at the end, and he is able to calm Uea down just from telling him he will hold him through the night. This is also a great indication to King that Uea has a fear of the dark, since technically in the first episode King would not necessarily have been able to connect the dots between the lights going off in the garage and Uea having a panic attack.

Episode 6

Uea and King are circling around each other, King is ready to admit. Uea is trying to throw out hints that he would say yes to being boyfriends if King asked him.

And King was going to, on the phone, you could see it!

But NO! No he doesn't ask here, because he wants it to be special! Because why would he ask Uea to be his boyfriend on a fake phone call when he could ask Uea to be his boyfriend on a beach vacation?

And Uea realizes this, because uea is smart. Because uea understands the implications of "I haven't felt this way in a long time," because Uea is hopeful that King feels the same way he does. And he's excited for the first time in a long time about something, and then King's mother gets involved. And King's mother makes him go on a date, and King isn't capable of standing up for himself and for Uea against his mother.

And King tries! King tries to see Uea, tries to get out of the date. Tries everything he can besides actually standing up to his mother to show Uea that he cares about him. To show Uea that he wants him, not whatever woman King's mother is trying to set him up with. But King hasn't had the chance to learn about Uea the way he needs to. King has tried time and time again to get Uea to open up to him, to talk about the strained relationship King knows exists, but doesn't understand to its fully extent.

And as a result of the shame, the self-loathing, the betrayals Uea has suffered time and time again at the hands of the people who are supposed to love him, he will not fight for him and King because he knows how the story ends.

It ends up with Uea alone, except this time he did it to himself. This time he broke King's heart in the process.

ok haha oops, I did it again with the essay. Gold star to anyone who read this whole thing.

#bed friend #bed friend the series #bed friends the series #kinguea #ueaking #king x uea #uea x king #jamesnet #netjames #domundi #mandee channel #bed friends analysis #bed friend analysis #bed friend ep 1 #bed friend ep 2 #bed friend ep 3 #bed friend ep 4 #bed friend ep 5 #bed friend ep 6

326 notes · View notes

icebear4president · 4 months

Text

Short angst fic I wrote in an hour!

Characters: Canada and America

Word count: 903

"He never loved me."

Matthew eyed the empty bottles thrown haphazardly across the room, and back again to his brother slumped against the wall. It was an unusual sight to say the least. Alfred didn't get drunk. Or least to the point where he was barely functioning. He had always been the more paranoid of the two, the one who talked about the dangers of letting his guard down.

It was sad in a way, really.

“He likes me, sure," Alfred continued, talking more to himself than anyone else. Matthew wasn't even sure he knew he was there. "Likes who I am, likes the man I turned out to be. Likes the idea of me as a son."

Matthew's eyebrows shot up in surprise at that. He thought his brother was talking about a friend, a lover maybe. Not...this.

"I think he liked raising me. I think he liked-" Alfred sighed, banging his head against the wall. "Liked the earlier days, being my big brother, liked how it felt not having to be alone anymore. Having someone to take care of, you know? I think he liked the thought of saving me from the same loneliness he felt or some other bullshit excuse like that."

Alfred nudged a piece of glass on the floor, idly swishing the liquid in his bottle back and forth. "I think he needs me, but I don't think he loves me."

What was the right response to that? 'Sorry you feel like that' or 'Grow up and stop whining about the past'? Both sounded right and horribly wrong at the same time. This was something deeper, deeper than Matthew could possibly understand He wasn't really sure how he felt about that.

Another thing Alfred and Arthur shared that he would never get to be a part of.

As for now, the only thing Matthew could really think was 'holy shit'. He'd always known Arthur hadn't really cared about him, or at least loved him deep enough, in a way that never had to have excuses for it to be known. But he'd thought...he'd thought if Arthur could find it in his heart to ever love anyone, that, well, it would be Alfred.

"But I can't hate him," Alfred said. "I mean, I love him. He's my dad. But he doesn't, doesn't, love me back."

Alfred finally looked up at Matthew, eyes glazed over, but still analyzing Matthew in a way that made him squirm. "Don't think he ever loved me back, but you. I think he loved you at some point. Maybe still does. You're Matthew after all. Sweet, wonderful, perfect Matthew, the golden child," Alfred spat. "Everyone loves you, and they hate me."

And suddenly Matthew's throat was so painfully constricted, he briefly wondered if he swallowed glass. It was unsettling seeing his brother look at him with so much anger, borderline hate. Except that wasn't right, it was Matthew who should be angry, not the other way around. Alfred didn't have that right. Alfred who had everything.

Right?

Ignoring his brother's internal turmoil, Alfred continued his rant no longer paying attention to him. "He loved that damned pedal stool, the one he put me on, show me off to the world as his best creation." Bitter smile hard with empty amusement, he raised a half-empty bottle. "Alfred Kirkland, best damn soldier there ever was."

Matthew wanted to sock him in the jaw, or flat out run away. He did neither.

Alfred tried to take another swig, but his hands didn't seem to want to cooperate with each other, and he fumbled with both hands until he dropped the bottle altogether. It was sad, really, to see him reduced to this.

And Matthew watched, helplessly, as his little brother started to cry.

"I just don't get it, Mattie." Alfred rubbed a hand against his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. “Why doesn't he love me? What did I do wrong?"

Alfred was much, much too out of it to care about platitudes, which was a small mercy since Matthew had none to give. So instead, he sat on the floor besides his brother. And before he could even attempt the hesitantly reach out with an awkward one-armed hug, Alfred tipped over and slumped against him, clumsily grabbing at his jacket.

"I love you, Mattie," Alfred muttered into the fabric. "Love you so, so much, and I'm sorry Arthur doesn't love us."

Matthew wrapped his arms around him in what had to be the weakest, shittiest hug ever. He couldn't even remember a time when they'd properly hugged each other. They were more the type to insult each other, hit each other, or maybe awkwardly say they loved each other before conveniently having to leave at the same time.

"Hey," Alfred said, face brightening. "At least you got other people who love you. Got the whole world. Lucky, lucky you." He chuckled. "You're not the only one who wants to switch places."

Matthew choked on a laugh-sob. "Sure, Al, if you say so."

Alfred looked troubled for all of three seconds before he forgot his train of thought completely. "This jacket makes you comfy. Like a comfy leather couch. I'm gonna take a nap and you can't stop me."

"Okay," Matthew said, for lack of a better response.

It was only after he heard his brother's soft breathing that he let himself begin to cry.

#hetalia #hws america #hws canada #na bros #na brothers

64 notes · View notes

princessbellecerise · 4 months

Text

Picture Perfect, II

──── ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧ ────

summary | Your sister Natasha is in trouble. You know it in your gut, and even moreso — you know it’s because of her so called ‘family’ the Avengers. It’s up to you to save your sister and yourself — before it becomes too late.

warnings | dark!peter parker, dark!avengers, non-con, kidnapping, dubcon, violence, loss of virginity (m. and f), manipulation, overall mature themes, stalking, delusional!peter, 18+ ONLY

previous | series masterlist | main masterlist | next

“I’m telling you guys, something isn’t right.”

Natasha had texted you early the following morning. Natasha never texted you.

Nat: Hey, I’m so sorry about last night. I guess I just got worked up over the most recent mission and I sort of had some flashbacks. Nothing too serious so I don’t want you to worry but I just want you to know that everything is fine and I love you.

You had stared at the text, analyzed it, read it forward and backwards and yet despite everyone else telling you that it was nothing, despite your own parents believing that text message over you when you told them something was wrong, terribly wrong - despite all that, you knew what you heard last night was anything but fine.

You knew. And you were going to get to the bottom of it.

You didn’t know exactly what happened, but you weren’t dumb enough to believe that it was because of a mission. You weren’t dumb enough to drop the way you felt after reading that text message, noticing several things wrong with it.

First, you noticed how robotic it sounded and extremely impersonal. The word’s definitely didn’t sound like anything Natasha would say and that worried you.

But, perhaps the most alarming thing was the nickname ‘she’ had sent in the text, or rather the lack of.

For as long as you could remember, Natasha never went a day without calling you голубка, which meant little dove in her native language Russian.

Ever since you were a child she’d call you that almost every time she addressed you, and now as you replayed the text in your mind, your gut was screaming at you that if it was Natasha that had texted you, then surely your given nickname would be thrown in there somewhere.

But no, it wasn’t. Which made you worry even more as you went to class that day, only expressing your concerns when you finally met up with your two best friends, Ned and MJ.

The three of you had been friends ever since your first year at MIT. You had roomed with Michelle—or MJ as she like to be called—and met Ned through a mutual friend you no longer talked to. The first time you guys had hung out, you automatically clicked, dubbing you guys the nickname The Three Musketeers. And making them the people you ranted to about Natasha when your parents wouldn’t listen.

“I’m telling you guys, the text she sent was superrr sus. And after what happened last night…guys I really don’t think it’s her,” You told them, and you knew from the moment that you opened your mouth, they thought you were crazy.

Ned and MJ shared a look, and though they would never say it to your face, you know that’s what they were thinking.

Everybody thought that, which was why this whole situation was so frustrating for you. Nobody believed you or your very valid concerns, not even your own friends.

“Y/N, are you sure that you’re not just spiraling again?” Ned asked, gently laying a hand on your shoulder. You hated how condescending he sounded. Like you were a child that lost their mind or something.

“Yeah I mean, I know you’re under a lot of stress because of Bernstein, you don’t think maybe this has anything to do with you being more paranoid than usual?” MJ offered.

You threw her an annoyed glance, at least expecting your conspiracy theorist friend to agree with you.

“No,” You let out a huff, shaking your head. “This has nothing to do with Bernstein, I promise. I just…”

You just what?

You stared at the sympathetic faces of both Ned and MJ and it was enough to have you pursing your lips, stopping your sentence in its tracks.

It was clear enough that anything you had to say wasn’t going to be taken seriously. Whenever you talked about this, most people would turn their noses up and tune you out because they just thought that you were crazy.

Something being off about the Avengers? Not a chance. They were America’s Heroes. Scratch that, they were the world’s heroes. Who would ever believe that something sketchy was going on with them? Certainly not anybody in your life.

You had to admit, it hurt a lot that not even your friends believed you. If anything, you expected Michelle Jones, the conspiracy theorist, to have your back, but there was nothing as she stared at you and you knew that you were alone.

You sighed, dropping your gaze before shaking your head.

“You know what,” You picked at your fingers as embarrassment creeped through your veins. “Just forget I even said anything, okay? You guys are probably right anyways. It’s probably just…stress.”

You cringed even saying it but what choice did you have? Expressing your concerns would be like talking to brick walls.

Ned smiled a little and gave you an encouraging look. “It’s alright. Trust me, we understand.”

“Maybe what you need is to just loosen up a little,” MJ shrugged as she picked her own nails. The chipped black nail polish nearly matched the pattern of your own. “Maybe you just need to…go to a party with me Friday night?”

She blurted it out so fast that you barely caught onto what she was saying, but when you did, you shook your head and quickly protested.

“MJ, you know that’s not really my thing,” You frowned slightly. “And with this paper due for Bernstein, I really gotta…”

“Oh come on!” MJ cut you off, sitting up on the bench you guys were currently sitting on. Ned had the idea that you all should wait outside of your chemistry class in order to get the best seats. Closer to the front was always a must, since your teacher had an accent that was sort of hard to understand. She was brilliant; but when trying to understand complex concepts it was sort of hard. So, you and MJ agreed. And now she was pouting at you. “We haven’t been to a party since…well, never.” MJ frowned. “But I wanna go cause Stacy invited me and I sort of…promised that I’d go.”

“So that’s why you wanna go,” You suddenly realized, a small smirk forming on your face. MJ blushed. “So you can see Stacy?”

“No, not just so I can see Stacy,” She interjected, but both you and Ned knew better. You exchanged looks and MJ scowled. “I also wanna go cause I wanna hang with you guys,” She explained, throwing her arms around you and Ned. Silence came over you both, and when MJ realized you weren’t buying it, she sighed. “Okay and maybe…I do want to see a little bit of Stacy.”

“Oh, I knew it!” Ned clapped his hands together and laughed. “You’ve been obsessed since like, first semester.”

“Have not,” MJ said, lightly pushing Ned’s shoulder. But you all knew she was lying. “I just…like seeing my study buddy. Is that so bad?”

“We all know you that likeeee her. You don’t have to hide it,” You teased, reaching out to squeeze her cheeks. Immediately, she scowled as she swatted your hand away.

“Shut uppp,” MJ replied, but the smile on her face told you that she wasn’t mad. You chuckled at your friend, shaking your head before Ned spoke again.

“Well, if you don’t want to go to the party, you can always help me build the new Lego set I got,” He offered, his eyes lighting up. “My Lola says there’s over twelve thousand pieces on this one. Sounds fun, right?”

“Right…” You hesitantly smiled at Ned and bless him, but you were not building another Lego set with him. Not after the last one that took forever and had you both pulling an all-nighter, which then caused you to fall asleep during your mid-terms. You still passed, but you vowed you’d never do it again which had you turning to MJ. With Bernstein’s paper due, you couldn’t risk anything. So, throwing an a apologetic look to Ned, you said, “On second thought, maybe I will go to that party.”

“Really?” MJ’s dark brown eyebrows shot up, but you could tell that she was presently surprised as a smile formed on her face.

You nodded. “Yeah. What time?”

“Ten,” She told you automatically. You thought you saw Ned pouting a little out of the corner of your eye.

But you didn’t say anything as you slowly nodded your head. “Great. I’ll be there,” You told MJ, smiling a little. “And I’ll be the best damn wingman ever!”

“Gee, thanks. You’re so supportive,” MJ said sarcastically, and though you all laughed at her words, deep down you felt a little sadness that you didn’t get that treatment in return.

You were willing to go to this party to help MJ with no questions asked, but she nor Ned would listen to you about your very valid concerns. The situation with Natasha was a legitimate worry that you had, but like always, you had to push it down cause no one would listen.

You thought it was a little unfair but you kept quiet. After all, that was what you were used to doing, and even if did bring it up again—who would ever believe you over the Avengers?

You chewed at the pencil in your hand, sighing and catching the attention of Peter.

He sat across from you in Marjorie’s — May’s — cafe, brown eyes looking up at the sound of your exhale and eyebrows quirking up shortly after.

It was obvious there were something on your mind, something that was clearly distracting you from paying attention to the advice he was giving you on how to go about Bernstein’s project.

But you didn’t even realize Peter had caught on until he spoke, surprising you.

“Is something the matter?” He asked, causing your gaze to finally flick from your paper to him. “Am I…God, I’m confusing you, aren’t I? I..I’m sorry, I-I know I’m not the best teacher but I—”

“Peter,” You cut him off with a small laugh, forcing a smile on your face as the thoughts from your head momentarily vanished. Honestly, you thought it was quite adorable how he worried he looked, afraid he wasn’t doing a good job.

But he was.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” You reassured him, causing him to relax a little. “My mind… I guess I’m just a million miles away today. I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize,” Peter said, quickly straightening up a little. “I-I-I get it. I’m like that too. Always something on my mind.”

“You have no idea,” You let out a breath, and Peter cocked his head curiously as you shut your eyes and rubbed your temples. It was obvious to anyone that you were stressed, but even more so to him due to his…senses.

He picked up on the dark circles under your eyes, and the way your face just looked…tired. Gently, he decided to reach out and grab your hand, squeezing it which caused your stomach to flip a little.

“Hey,” He gave you a small smile, relaxing you. “I get it. And if you don’t feel like doing this right now, we could gladly talk about some thing else,” He offered

You rose an eyebrow as he gently close his laptop, tucking it away in his case.

“Yeah, like what?” You questioned, biting your lip.

“Anything,” Peter shrugged, still smiling. “If you want to talk about whatever it is that has your head in the clouds, then feel free too. I cleared my schedule so I’d be more than happy to listen,” He told you.

Suddenly, you felt something twist in your stomach. “You didn’t have to do that,” You told him softly, knowing that he still had an internship with Tony Stark. “I’m sure you’re busy and well…you didn’t exactly volunteer to listen to my problems, so if you have somewhere else to be, we can pick up on this tomorrow—”

“Hey, it’s fine,” Peter squeezed your hand, causing your breath to hitch. “I’d much rather be here than doing errands for Mr. Stark,” He laughed quietly, his brown eyes gazing into yours. “If you can believe it.”

“I can’t,” You confessed, “But I mean if you want…”

Peter settled back against the booth and you rubbed your hands together as he watched you intensely. He didn’t push, rather he stayed quiet as you gathered your thoughts and tried to think of what you wanted to say.

“It’s just,” You started hesitantly, knowing full well he could call you crazy for what you were about to say. After all, Peter wouldn’t be the first person you expressed these thoughts to, but he would be new. You hoped that he’d at least hear you out instead of dismissing you like people usually did. And for some reason, you got the vibe that he wouldn’t. “It’s just well, I’m really worried, Peter.”

“Worried?” Peter reiterated, you nodded your head.

“Yeah. I had a phone call with my sister last night and while she texted me this morning saying that everything was fine, I just—I don’t know. I feel it in my gut that she’s lying.”

“Lying?” Peter rose an eyebrow, and you imagined your words sound quite strange without all the context. “Why…why would your sister be lying to you?” He asked.

You shrugged. “That’s just the thing. I don’t know,” You said. “That’s why I’m so worried. She wouldn’t have anything to lie about if everything was truly fine.”

Peter shifted a little as you went on and also told him about Natasha’s other strange behaviors. You didn’t tell him much, just enough for him the grasp the situation and certainly not every detail.

You didn’t want to give away too much seeing as well, no matter how comfortable you felt with him — Peter was still a stranger. You didn’t know him as well you knew your other friends Ned and MJ. In fact you barely knew him at all, but already he was listening more than other people ever did.

It made you feel warm inside that he seemed to genuinely take your words seriously.

“Wow that’s—” When you finished, Peter had a slightly disturbed look on his face. He scrunched his nose up and you nodded, agreeing with his expression. “That’s a lot…and honestly kind of freaky.”

“Right?” Your voice went up several octaves. From her not so secret spot behind the counter, May looked over at you. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell other people for quite some time now but nobody seems to believe me. They all think that just because she’s tough she can look out for herself, but even the toughest people still need looking out for sometimes, you know?” You asked Peter. “And I mean, Natasha is an Avenger, she can take care of herself but—”

“Natasha,” Peter stopped you mid-sentence, his mouth slightly open as you let the name and occupation of your sister slip out. He reeled back a little bit as if the realization just hit him like a ton of bricks, and you paused as you covered your mouth, obviously not meaning to let that slip out. “Your sister…is an Avenger?”

“Oh God, I wasn’t supposed to let that part slip out,” You said sheepishly, mortified by your own stupidity. “I’m so sorry,” But you weren’t exactly sure who you were apologizing to—Peter, or Natasha. As you got older, she had kindly asked you to limit the amount of people you told about her. As her missions got more and more dangerous, it was completely understandable but now you had failed.

Natasha had made sure that it would take some serious digging to even find you, which was why you felt guilty for letting it slip to Peter.

You weren’t supposed to say a word, but honestly though, he didn’t seem to mind much.

“Really?” There was excitement on his face, his eyes extra wide and his lips open in shock. “I had no clue that you were her sister. I-I mean, I’ve heard her talk about you before but I never…wow. You must be the girl she talks about all the time, then. The one that’s obsessed with thrifting old CD’s and stuff?”

Now, it was your turn to stop and pause, your jaw dropping at Peter’s words. Despite the topic, a strange feeling of giddiness rose in you, and a smile played its way onto your lips. “She…she talks about me?” You whispered quietly, and Peter nodded as he answered.

“Yeah, all the time,” He said, and then as if he said something wrong, he quickly backtracked. “Well, at least when I talk to her, which isn’t often. I’m mainly around Mr. Stark but sometimes I see the other Avengers and your sister seems pretty nice.”

“Wow,” You were in shock that your sister even mentioned you while she was at work, knowing how much of private person she was. Natasha barely talked about anything with anyone, seeing as her trust was limited, but the fact that she seemed to love you enough to even mention you made you beyond ecstatic.

“I…I had no idea,” You told Peter, now with a wide smile on your face. Now that that door was open, you couldn’t stop yourself from questioning him even more. “What did she say about me? How often do you talk?”

“Oh, not too often,” He told you, “And nothing but the good things,” Peter reassured you. “She mostly talks about how proud of you she is for getting into MIT early and things like that.”

“And anything else?”

“Well,” Peter rubbed the back of his head, somewhat avoiding your eyes. “Yeah, I guess. She sometimes mentions the things that you like, like roses being your favorite flower and how you’d kill someone just to eat the last blueberry muffin,” You both chuckled at this. “But mostly…she just brags about you and how smart you are,” Peter smiled. “She even mentioned some of your accomplishments, like being valedictorian. Which, by the way, is extremely impressive. Just thought you should know that.”

“Oh.” You couldn’t stop the blush that spread on your cheeks, and you were grateful that Peter wasn’t able to see it because you didn’t want him to know just how much his words flattered you. You pretended like you weren’t embarrassed by his praise, and instead sent him a short nine. “Well, thank you Peter. You’re quite impressive yourself.”

This caused his face to light up. “Really?” He asked, and you nodded.

“Of course. You got into MIT sooner than I did and well, you do work under Tony Stark,” You told him. “I can’t imagine he recruits just anyone.”

“Well,” The blush on Peter’s cheeks was enough to having you giggling. You watched as he humbly waved you off, but you knew that your words are true. You don’t think even you had it in you to snag an internship with one of the most renowned scientists in the world, and that was with your sister being an Avenger. By definition, you could’ve been a Nepo baby but you’re weren’t. Peter managed to do it all on his own. That really was impressive. He was really impressive, you realized with a slight glow in your chest.

Impressive enough to make you forget about what you previously were talking about.

You didn’t realize how quick the topic changed from Natasha, until suddenly Peter brought it up again, smacking you back to reality and snapping you out of your giddy phase as you tore your eyes away from his.

“So now that I know who you’re talking about,” He said, “Is there any reason in particular that you’re so alarmed about her?”

He studied your face. Analyzed the way your eyes slightly darted away, and he held his breath, wondering what the next few words that escaped your mouth would be.

Where did you even begin? At the beginning, you supposed, but even though you felt comfortable around Peter, you didn’t think you were that comfortable to tell him about all of it. It was almost like that day, and those feelings were a private part of you, and you weren’t ready to share them just yet, so you opted to tell him something else. “I just…I just think it’s strange,” You began, “How she sometimes interacts with the other Avengers. I mean, I know that they’re her coworkers, and probably her really close friends, but sometimes I just can’t help but think they seem a little bit too close, you know?”

No, he didn’t know. It was obvious that Peter had absolutely no clue what you were talking about, his face pulled into one of confusion. You knew that your response had shocked him, and bless his heart, he seemed to realize that you were studying his face and quickly got rid of that expression.

“Um…”

“It’s okay, you can say that I’m weird for thinking that,”You said, knowing that he was just going to be like everybody else. “I just…I just worry about her, you know? I worry about the way she interacts with them, and that she might not be as happy as she leads on. Ever since that day…well she’s barely called. She’s barely texted. I hardly ever see her anymore or hear from her unless it’s once a week, and I know it sounds weird but—”

Peter was quick to jump in to dismiss your concerns.

“No, no I don’t think it’s weird at all,” He said quickly, “But it’s just shocking to hear you say that. Kind of sad, if you know what I mean.”

“I do know what you mean,” You told him quickly, “More than you’ll ever know. It seems like I’m the only one that sees through the happy façade, but I mean, if you were to tell me it’s nothing as well then I suppose I will just sound crazy. But I just don’t think—I just can’t shake the fact that if they really were as close as they tried to portray, if they really were that picture perfect, I can’t help but think Nat would invite me over to the tower more. I can’t help but think that I would’ve met the Avengers more. I can’t help but think something strange is going on when Nat barely calls me, and when she does she just always seems so out of it.”

“Out of it,” Peter repeated your words, and you nodded. “How does she seem out of it?” He fiddled with his hands and began to tap the side of the table.

“If I’m being honest, I don’t really know,” You confessed to him, “I just know that the way she behaves just isn’t normal. Some of the things she says, some of the things she does…all of it put together it just seems strange.”

“Oh,” Peter was silent for a while as you stared at him, trying to gauge some kind of reaction from his face. You could tell that he was confused, and it was absolutely understandable, but he also look doubtful as well. You expected that, but the one thing you didn’t expect, was for the layer of understanding that washed over his face, his brown eyes glinting as he looked into yours once again.

“Actually,” He stated, shrugging a little bit, “I don’t think it’s as strange as you’re putting it.”

If you were expecting him to say anything, it definitely wasn’t that. You looked at him in shock, as his eyes slightly flickered behind his shoulder, over the counter to Marjorie, who had began wiping down the coffee bar.

“No, I don’t think it’s strange at all,” He said, “And in fact, I think it’s normal to worry about someone you love like that. Even if she is an Avenger, Natasha is still your sister, and I can definitely see where all this is stemming from. You’re probably super worried about her and the toll her job takes on her, and I guess it can seem drastic when you don’t see her as often. In fact, I kind of…I think May feels the same way about me these past few couple of years, so I wouldn’t feel too bad or really stress about it as much if I were you. It’s just part of our job, but that doesn’t mean we’re not okay.”

The words on your tongue seemed to falter a little bit, but luckily, you recovered yourself and managed to let out a small sound that almost sounded like like relief.

“Wow,” You couldn’t stop the smile that creeped on your face as you stared at him. “I…I mean as far as it goes, that’s kind of exactly how I feel. People always tell me I’m crazy to constantly worry, but I can’t help it you know. I love Nat, and it would kill me if something was wrong and I didn’t know until it was too late.”

“I get that too,” Peter said, once again glancing at Marjorie. “You want to know everything about the people that you love and it sucks when you feel like they’re hiding something for you. But maybe…” He bit his lip and that was when he looked back at you. “Have you maybe consider that if Natasha was hiding something from you for any reason, that it might be a good thing? That it might be because she doesn’t want to have you shoulder the burden as well, that maybe it’s her protecting you from the truth? I mean the things that she deals will are incredibly dangerous. We all saw those files she leaked a few years ago. Things like that…it puts you on the radar of some pretty dangerous people and maybe she doesn’t tell you to protect you.”

Well, you most certainly did not think about that. Ever since that day, you had the feeling in your gut that you had to protect Natasha from whatever it was that was going on with her that caused her to change so drastically, but you never considered that maybe she changed or maybe she never said anything because it was you that she had to protect.

“That…makes a lot of sense when you put it that way,” You admitted to Peter, “I guess…I guess I was so focused on protecting her I didn’t really stop to think if she was doing the same. I know that if the roles were reversed, and Natasha wouldn’t stop until she found something she was satisfied with.”

“And are you?” Peter asked, elaborating when he noticed that you looked confused. “Satisfied that is,” He added, causing your eyebrows to shoot up.

“Honestly,” You looked at him and you found that you could only tell him the truth. “No, no I’m not satisfied,” You confessed, picking at the polish on your finger nails. “I haven’t been satisfied with her excuses in a while. And I think it’s because I can never just shake the gut feeling I have that she’s not being quite truthful with me.”

When you finished, you noticed that there was an unfamiliar glint in his eye as Peter looked thoughtfully the table. It seemed like his own brain was coming up with a response to what you just said. It looked like he was trying to use his words carefully, and it took a while to respond. But when he did, you knew it was only when he picked the perfect words to say to you.

“Can I tell you something?” He suddenly asked, and against your better judgment, you were quick to nod.

“Yeah, yeah, sure,” You told him, and Peter sighed like what he was about to tell you something you might not like.

“I think…I think that over these last couple of years, both you and Natasha have been under a great deal of stress. I mean you said it yourself—she’s an Avenger, and as much as you might not believe her, she does go on missions. I’ve seen it myself,” He admitted, “and truth be told I think that if you knew any of the Avngers then you’d see that they’re all in the same boat. It’s a lot of pressure even just being around them, and I can’t imagine actually having the responsibility to save the world on your shoulders, every single day. So I understand why it might be so hard for you to believe her, but I think it’s true. I think Natasha is telling you the truth, and from everything I’ve observed about the Avengers, she is. I’ve never seen anything that would indicate something is wrong, and if I did, I would never lie to you about it. I just think your sister is under a great deal of stress and like I said earlier, going weeks or months without talking to her tricks your brain, and makes you think it’s a lot worse than it really is. But if you were actually around her more frequently like I am, I think you’d see that it’s just an everyday thing and you really don’t have anything to worry about. I know it may be hard, but I’ve been working for Mr. Stark for years and I can honestly say that what you see is what you get. The Avengers for the most part are picture perfect. And I think, that no matter how hard of a time you have accepting that, it’ll be a lot better if you do. Because if you don’t, I think you might end up like May here and eventually run yourself to death carrying all that stress.”

As soon as you got home, tiredness seeped into your veins as you threw your bag down before plopping on your bed.

Peter had helped you finish up the rest of your proposal, and it was with great relief that you managed to submit your new draft after praying to every God there was that Professor Bernstein would accept this one.

You saw no reason that he wouldn’t, seeing as Peter pretty much gave you the outline he used for his paper, and he had gotten an A+ on it. You were sure that there was no way Bernstein would refuse you again, and the thought made you smile, grateful that Peter was there to help you.

Now that you thought about it, it really did seem like he came just in time to save you from repeating this class. Now that you had his pointers, the only thing left to do was put all of the data you had gathered from Marjorie together and submit it—along with a few of her family heirlooms you promised to return.

Admittedly, it kind of made you sad that the worst was now over because it meant you didn’t really need Peter anymore. You liked hanging out with him; he was fun and easy-going, and just all around sweet compared to most of the males that you interacted with. Except for Ned, Peter was the only other boy that you could envision actually wanting to hang around long-term.

You thought about this, and what it meant as you picked your nails, still laying down on your bed.

Dinner was supposed to be ready in a few, and your mom was cooking a traditional Russian dish that Natasha used to request all the time. It used to be her favorite, so you decided to clear your mind before you at, going to the shower to wash up.

Once you had everything you needed, you stepped into the warm water and let it relax your body, letting out a sigh.

You were finally able to wash away some of the stress that you had been feeling from the past few days. Not only from Bernstein’s class, but also about your feelings from Natasha, which Peter had sort of put to rest.

With his reassurance and advice, you felt a little lighter, like you could relax now and finally see that maybe you were exaggerating a little. After all, Natasha was fully capable of handling herself if something truly was wrong, right?

She’d fought aliens before. She didn’t exactly need her baby sister trying to protect her.

It was because of these thoughts that you were finally able to let loose and enjoy your shower. When you were done, you stepped back into your room, towel tightly wrapped around your body as you rummaged through your drawers for some clothes. You opened the top one, looking for your night clothes, and as you did you noticed that it seemed just a little bit cooler in your room than it usually did.

You didn’t remember leaving the window open, but when you turned around, it was slightly ajar, which lead you to stare it for a couple of seconds.

Maybe mom came in to clean and accidentally left it open, you thought.

It seemed like such a small coincidence that you didn’t really worry about it much, simply walking over and reaching over your desk to close it.

Your hands were just about to yank the glass panel down when something else caught your attention, though, making you freeze in your tracks.

A familiar ringtone erupted from your phone; a ringtone you had specifically set for one person. That way you would never miss her calls or mistakingly decline thinking she was someone else.

It was a ringtone you had saved only for your sister, and before you knew it you were abandoning the window and darting towards your phone and picking it up.

You felt like you were about to stop breathing as Natasha finally came into view, sporting a weak smile and staring at you with those same sad eyes that she wore yesterday.

Yesterday when she called you. Yesterday when all those weird things went on. Yesterday was only a day ago, not a week. So why exactly was Natasha calling you?

“Hey,” She was the first to speak, her voice hoarse as if she had used it tremendously in the past few hours. Not only that, it sounded…strained. Like she was sick or something. But Natasha showed no signs of being ill the previous day, so it lead you to wonder what it was really about.

“Hi.”

Your voice shocked you. So small and quiet, almost like you were afraid to raise your voice after yesterday. Like you were afraid to say the wrong thing in the wrong tone and have your sister freak out like she did yesterday.

You hated it.

You hated yourself for treating Natasha like a child, or holding back like she would break at any moment. Like she wasn’t the strongest woman you knew. You hated it, but yet, it’s all you could do as you stared at your tired, sad sister.

“How are you?” Natasha’s voice remained in the same tone as yours, and you took the phone and set it on your desk so that you would have a better angle. You now had your back to the window and shivered a little as the cold breeze traveled across your freshly scrubbed skin.

“Good,” The word came out with a slight nod. “I’ve been pretty much the same as I was yesterday when you called. Just busy with my paper and such.”

Natasha’s throat bobbed up and down as you mentioned this, but her face remained clear of any emotion like the truth she was. she asked that Is Peter Parker still helping you with that?” She asked, and Do you know a small smile coming to your face as you thought of him.

“Yeah,“ You said a bit more shyly than you wanted. “Peter’s been a great help. He helped me finish my proposal and I submit it this afternoon. I’m waiting to see how that goes.”

“Yeah,” Natasha let out an uncomfortable chuckle, her eyes flickering with an emotion that you seemed to miss. down in a small side, escaping her lips. “Well I’m glad you finished it at least. I know how much you said that class was a pain in your ass.”

“You have no idea,” You blew out a breath, “Bernstein’s been making my semester hell. But like I said, Peter’s helped me a lot. I’m really thankful that I met him when I did.”

Natasha said nothing. Which was odd, because your sister always had something to say whether it be bad or good.

You waited for her to give you her two cents on Peter, as surely she had picked up on the way you talked about him. But…you waited, and it seemed like the only thing Natasha was trying to do was not say anything.

After a few minutes of silence, you finally asked, “Is…everything okay?”

“That’s good,” Nat avoided your question, causing you to worry but you remembered what Peter said and decided for once, to just let it go. “I just hope you aren’t ditching any of your other friends just to hang out with him.”

It was supposed to be a joke, but her tone very much lacked the humor that was supposed to go with it.

“Don’t worry,” You reassured her, “Ned and MJ are very much still in my life. I saw them today. MJ invited me to a party and Ned was trying to convince me to build another 12,000 piece Lego set with him. This time though, I put my foot down and said hellll no.”

You left out the other parts of your conversation. Nat’s ‘shadow’ was still behind her. You didn’t want to say anything to alert him or set her off again.

Your words caused Nat to chuckle a little. You didn’t realize how much you had missed the sound, or rather, the genuineness of it.

“Good, good. And Mom and Dad?”

“Still as busy as ever,” You slightly rolled you eyes which only Natasha would understand. “Dad just got back from a conference and Mom is in a good mood so she’s cooking Okroshka tonight to celebrate. Your favorite,” You added, as if you both didn’t already know it.

“Hm. Sounds good.” Natasha nodded in approval, and you could see the way she licked her lips which caused you to smile.

At least that hasn’t changed, you thought.

“And anything else? I know I haven’t exactly been that involved, I want you to tell me everything cause I’m sure there’s a lot. Even the things that you might think are small, I’m still interested.”

Her green eyes bore into yours, and you furrowed your eyebrow as you could tell there was a deeper meaning to her words. Natasha was searching your face, or quite possibly everything about you, trying to use her spy training to uncover anything that she might have missed.

But you were confused. What exactly was she looking for?

“I think I tell you pretty much everything there is know when you call, Nat,” You say, beginning to get a little uncomfortable. “And besides there’s not very much that goes on my life, sooo…the only really new thing is Peter helping me with my paper.”

“Right,” she chuckled humorously at this. “And is that all?” She pressed, causing your attention to snap towards her. “Is there something more between you two, or…”

“No, no nothing like that,” You reassured her, suddenly wishing you had some water. All of a sudden it got hot, despite your window being open. “Peter and I are just…we’re just…we’re friends. He’s just helping me with this project and I doubt we’ll really even hang out after this, unless he comes by Marjorie’s to say hey or something.”

“Okay. Good,” Dare you say that Natasha looked relieved as the words awkwardly flew out of your mouth, and the shadow behind her twitched a little. You saw him turn his head towards her slightly, and if you weren’t mistaken, a small grunt left his lips open high immediately caused Nat to backtrack. “I mean, I’m sure there’s anything wrong with the kid, but I just…I just think you should catch up on your studies before getting involved with something, more you know? I mean get that you’re growing up, but are you really ready for the stuff that comes with a relationship, like sex and—”

“Oh come on Nat! Ew!” You groaned, not really wanting to talk about this with your big sister. “Don’t do this. It’s almost embarrassing as getting ‘the talk’ from mom and dad,” You told her.

Natasha chuckled once again.

“Please, just don’t even.”

“Okay, okay,” She finally agreed, holding her hands up as a small smirk played on the side of her lips. For just a split second, she looked like the old Nat and she blew out a breath, laughing at your clear embarrassment. “I’m just trying to make sure you know that there are other things out there than boys. I don’t want you getting caught up too soon cause you never know, right?”

“Rightttt,” You drew out the words slightly, rolling your eyes at your big sister. “Thanks, but no thanks Nat. This thing you seem to have imagined between Peter and I is not happening. He’s just a friend, and even then I don’t think he’s even interested in me. So really, you have nothing to worry about.” You said. “Capeesh?”

“Capeesh,” Nat seemed satisfied with the answer, but you couldn’t help the slightly nagging feeling in your chest as you played with the hem of your towel.

“But if there was something between us…”

“Y/N!” Natasha scolded you as you laughed, playing with a random figurine on your desk. She shook her head at you, but you weren’t done wondering what it is she seemed to have against your new…erm, friend.

“What?” You took in her expression, which was clearly disapproving. “Would it really be so bad? I mean, this is Peter we’re talking about,” You gave her an obvious look. But judging by the expression on her face, it was that bad.

“I already told you I want you to focus on school, not boys.”

But Ian! you defend yourself, shrinking back into your chair, but I mean, like you always say, I’m supposed to have fun too, right? And I know you tell me which ones to stay away from but I mean are boys so bad when they’re nice, and funny and—”

“Not Peter,” Natasha cut you off quickly, causing you to huff again. She sat up straight, suddenly becoming extremely serious. “голубка, please. Послушай меня, когда я скажу тебе, что тебе не обязательно сейчас встречаться с такими парнями, как Питер. (Listen to me when I tell you that you don’t need to be dating boys like Peter right now,” She begged you in Russian. You knew enough to understand her.

You furrrowed your eyebrows as Natasha seemed to suddenly flinch at something behind the camera.

“Boys like Peter? Nat what does that mean?” You asked, appalled.

“дерьмо…”

“Nat?” You sat up straight so that you could look into the camera. You could tell she muted you because all background noise ceased to exist, and she was saying something but you couldn’t tell what cause she moved her face from the frame.

Dammit. Sneaky spy.

You had to wait until Natasha got done talking with whoever it was she was conversing with, and while you waited an uncomfortable twinge pooled in your stomach. You stared anxiously at the camera until suddenly, the volume was back on and Nat’s nervous face came into view again.

“Sorry about that. Bucky was just telling me something about a mission,” She told you quickly, before you could even ask. “I’m fine.”

“…Okay,” you decided to just believe her and shrugged your shoulders, but you weren’t done with the topic you guys were discussing. “But just tell me this — why not Peter, Nat? I mean he seems like a really nice guy. Is there something he’s said or done while at the tower that makes you say that? I mean I know you guys have talked a couple of times but if he had any red flags why’d you tell him all about me? You don’t just go around telling everyone how much I like thrifting and blueberry muffins, do you?” You joked, but instead, Natasha just went white.

You knew the minute those words left your mouth that you had said something wrong. You weren’t sure what, but the unmistakable terror that gathered on Natasha’s face let you know everything you needed to know.

It triggered that feeling in your gut that you had felt so many times before, when you knew something was off, and it was pounding at you, gnawing as Natasha suddenly stood up and yelled something at you.

“Y/N—never—met—he—”

She was breaking up.

You groaned in frustration as the phone began to glitch out, the older device no doubt overheating after such a long conversation on FaceTime.

You grabbed your phone from where it was propped up on the desk and it was indeed hot, so you stuck it out the window in hopes of it cooling a down a little.

“Hang on Nat, I think my phone is glitching. Sorry, is it okay if I call you back when it cools down?”

“Y/N—please—I—”

“I love you too, Nat,” You told her, assuming that what she going to say. Your smiling face was still in the camera but hers had turned into a blank caution screen. Not soon after that, the phone hung up itself instead of reconnecting so you only assumed Nat heard you and had agreed.

You sighed, a little bummed that your call had gotten cut short but it quickly went away when you heard your mother calling you for dinner.

It was time to eat, and you noticed that you were still in your towel so you changed and made yourself presentable.

You chose some simple sweatpants and a tank top before booking it across your three bedroom apartment to where your mom and dad were sitting down, the smell of Okroshka filling your nose.

You inhaled, and when you sat down you thought of Natasha the entire time you ate and aimlessly chatted with your parents about your day.

When you finished, you cleaned your plate, bid good night to your parents, and rushed back to your room to see if your phone had cooled down any.

It had, but still, the one thing that stuck out to you was that there were no missed calls or texts from Natasha.

You sighed.

Oh well.

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #dark!peter parker x reader #dark!peter x reader #dark!peter parker #dark!avengers #picture perfect

75 notes · View notes

wishmemel · 1 year

Text

(check out part two!)

i know a lot of people think gojo would need someone who can dish back what he throws out. someone flirtatious. someone who doesn't back down. and i agree. but only to a certain extent. i feel like he would want someone like that for a fling. he wants that thrill, that excitement. but only for flings.

i feel like he doesn't even know it himself. but he needs someone nurturing to settle down with. someone who offers to buy him lunch before his missions even though he has all the money in the world. someone who reminds him to be safe before he goes out even though he's walking into a death zone. someone who can be patient and calm in the face of his recklessness. someone who can openly show him that they care, that they're going to stay, that they're here. someone who would be willing to take the first step in a relationship.

and of course he would want to challenge all of that. someone like gojo wouldn't be able to believe that anyone could care for him like that. not openly. not willingly. everything you give him with good intentions, he'd probably throw right back in your face, thinking it's a trick.

he'd think you're too kind. too good. too innocent. he'd want to ruin you or find some way to prove you wrong. so maybe he can't stand you or maybe he likes trying to rile you up. but only because that's his defense system speaking. he's panicking on the inside and that's why he's acting like that.

because he has all his walls up. he's flighty in relationships. and that's why he likes the ones who just want something temporary, something exciting for the night.

but what he needs is very different than what he wants.

if he were ever to settle down, it wouldn't be with someone who hates his guts (like utahime) or someone who can barely tolerate his antics (like nanami).

it would have to be with someone who can put him first. before their own work or anything else. he needs someone who puts him first. someone's who's willing to go all in. someone who just takes the dive. so that he can watch.

i know people have said this. and it's true. gojo's a follower. not a leader. and i agree. he needs someone who can take the leap first. and be willing to be vulnerable and open. so that he can do the same. like a "i'll show you my demons if you show me yours" kinda thing.

he needs someone who can do all of that vulnerability stuff and do it first. he needs to analyze it, to see it for himself, that there are no bad intentions. and then maybe he'd be willing to dip his feet in the pool. little by little. it would take time, of course, which is why i think he needs someone with a lot of patience. someone who doesn't assume the worst of everyone.

additionally, this doesn't mean that his partner is boring. they can still be playful and teasing and fun. but i think he also needs someone who can be soft openly. someone who can be sensitive without hesitating. someone who doesn't hide their feelings.

based on the way that he treats his students, i think he wants someone who he can protect. i think he's a protector over all else. he has all these powers and he can't just sit still with them. he needs to do something.

which means he needs someone who will show him off the way he shows off. someone who won't hesitate to toss out compliments for him and won't hesitate to claim him as theirs, leaving him in stunned silence. he just wants to belong to someone, you know. gojo satoru needs a home. more than anything.

#this or maybe i'm just projecting #jjk #gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen #satoru gojo #gojo x reader #idk what this is #i'm just ranting #this is open for criticism/discussion #above all #he needs a psychologist #꒰ i forgot that you existed. ꒱#꒰ soon you'll get better. ꒱

464 notes · View notes

nobeansforyou · 7 months

Text

Okay...

So, I've liked Izzy Hands from the beginning. Not because I condone his actions in the first season (I agree, they were a bit fucked up, especially the "namby pamby" scene), but because he's an interesting, very complex character. I don't think that he didn't like Stede because Ed is in love with him, although that definitely plays a part, but because Izzy and Stede just didn't like each other. From their first interaction, where Ed wasn't even a part of the story yet, they didn't like each other. Honestly, I don't really like Stede either (a hot take, I know, but he just gets on my nerves a lot).

As the season progresses, we see this emotionally immature, repressed dude watch the person he's in love with fall in love with a person he hates. I also don't think that Izzy even has internalized homophobia. He knows that he loves Ed, he just doesn't have the words to express it, and the whole thing with him disliking Stede is, in my mind, because he views Stede as incompetent (which he sort of is) and as a threat to Ed. It's less of an "I don't want two guys to kiss >:((" and more of a "oh my goodness, this clueless person is gonna get us all killed."

Imagine you have lived your entire life doing something one way, only for someone else to come along and do it completely opposite, but not only is everything working out for them, the person you have loved and based your entire identity off of is suddenly in loved with them. It would be unnerving and uncomfortable, right?

And another thing. Izzy is essentially Ed's executive function in the first season. We see him following Ed around, trying to remind him that they have things to do, but Ed is not doing well. He literally says to Izzy that he would be interested in dying. So Izzy has to deal with that on top of a crew that doesn't listen (l love them, don't get me wrong, but come on guys), and now interacting on a daily basis with Stede. Bro's literally doing everything he can to keep the ship running. Of course he's gonna feel fed up when Ed shows up in Stede's clothes, goofing off, and not really being a captain.

This is getting long, so I'm probably gonna make another part, but I kinda want to go episode by episode and just analyze Izzy because I love him and yeah.

Also, also, this is in no way hate towards the Izzy haters, I (kinda) understand where you're coming from; he's not for everyone, I get it. But please don't come after me for saying I don't like Stede...

#ofmd #omfd season 2 #omfd s2 #izzy hands #omfd izzy #character analysis #our flag means death spoilers #omfd spoilers #izzy hands my beloved

59 notes · View notes

set-wingedwarrior · 9 months

Text

I need to talk about Adam Taurus and James Ironwood, and why they are good characters deserving of apreciation.

You see, as much as it's true that a lot of fans of their are crazy stans who see them as men who did no wrong, I don't think it's fair to get mad and attack all the people who enjoy their characters. I do enjoy them for example.

Yes, they are terrible people, but that's what makes them good characters! I love them for playing their role well, not because I condone their actions or think they are in the right!

Let's take Adam for example. I hate him as a person, while watching the show i wanted to beat the shit out of him, and that's precisely why I love his character! He gave me emotions, and played his villain role in Blake and Yang's story arcs masterfully! It's partially thanks to him and the way he played his role that their relationship got to shine this way! He is part of why I love bumbleby so much, and I can't just ignore that.

He's the victim that turned into a monster (even if we find out specifically about that very far in his story), the wronged person who took that in the worst possible way (the fact that you got influcted pain doesn't give you the right to inflict it to others). A boy who had no control over his life that decided to get revenge and control everybody else instead. It's tragic when you think about it this way, and I love that!

Or, even more clearly, Ironwood. From the beginning we see good intentions and terrible actions, that later on, under so much stress and pressure and ptsd, just made him go down. All of his faults come from a place of untrust toward others and the idea that only he could know the best course of actions, never taking into account other people and ideas. This obsession and hero complex is what leads to his and Atlas' fall and, again, even if I really wanted to bash his head for all the stupid things he did (or wanted to do), I still loved watching him play this part and fall deeper down every episode. Again, it's sad and tragic and I love it!

This isn't meant to be a full blown analysis of the characters, but I just wanted to point out that it's unfair to be authomatically hostile towards anyone who likes their characters. I understand that so many of them are people defending their actions, and it is very frustrating (and sometimes worrying) when very clear evil actions get misinterpreted or justified by someone, but it's not like everyone is like this.

They are characters, vessels to tell a story, and people aren't just allowed to enjoy a well played part, but it's actually good being able to apreciate the executions and characterization of villains! Both understanding their roles on a "technical" level, but also understanding their characterization and why they do what they do.

I love when it makes all sense, when I completely see how a character is reasoning and it's consistent with everything else around them! It's part of what I enjoy in stories, and the fact that I do have a good time watching, analyzing and understanding them, doesn't mean I am condoning their actions. Understanding and justifying are two very different things.

So, take this post as a little show of love and apreciation for Adam Taurus and James Ironwood: you are two assholes, but you are so good at that, entertaining and you played your roles well; thank you for your service in the story!

#rwby #adam taurus #james ironwood #please do not start dumb useless discourse #I'm just here to remind people that liking characters is not the same as liking a person #i judge a person from their actions #i judge a character for their consistency and role in the story #people need to remember the differences between reality and fiction #also for the record #i am not saying you HAVE TO like them either #i personally enjoy villains and to see their roles #you might not #and that's fine!

100 notes · View notes

savemefromanepicoftimewasted · 7 months

Text

You Cannot Run From Your Past Pt. 3

Mobster!Simon "Ghost" Riley X F!Reader

“Do you think this will work? That we can finally get rid of him?” You had always dreamt of killing James but given how powerful he was it was simply a suicide mission.

A/N:here we are! there's going to be one part before the big finale! same warnings as always, mentions of abuse, violence, blood, smut

“They won’t be staying, James needs to find a way to get me back from Simon. I’ve seen it happen before.” The jealousy was pouring off of him in waves, nearly drowning you in it.

“How can you be so sure? Why not just kill us when we’re least expecting and take you back that way?” Price wasn’t looking at the bigger picture.

“Because that leaves too much space for things to go wrong. Natasha’s one of the best stealth killers I’ve ever met, but going into something without a solid plan gets you killed. James hasn’t personally gotten his hands dirty in a while, he’s not going to start now.” No, he’d have his henchmen do all the dirty work for him while he sat at home.

Price wanted to argue with that statement, sure James didn’t have the manpower but if Natasha was as strong as you claimed they could get away with it. However he started to analyze everything and you were right, the only way they’d be able to get Price, Soap, and Gaz without alerting you and Simon would be with knives. And knives were not always the easiest weapon to work with.

“Alright, what do you suggest we do?” Price was willing to do whatever it took to ensure yours and everyone else's safety.

“I’ve been in contact with his best friend Steve, he’s willing to talk to me and stop James from killing anyone else.” Maybe that wasn’t the full truth, but you’d discuss that somewhere more privately.

“Let’s get back to the house, better to talk there.” Price left enough money to cover the bill along with a hefty tip.

You headed back out to the limo with everyone else, sliding into the back with Simon close behind. Soap kept an eye out until everyone was inside safely, sliding in last and shutting the door. It was definitely obvious that James had already left, the only people that were looking seemed to be tourists. The drive back was quiet, Price typing away on his phone to someone before it began to ring with a call. He sighed softly before answering.

“Laswell, long time no talk.” Price was relaxed, so whoever he was speaking with wasn’t an enemy.

“Price, any particular reason you’re looking to come visit me in New York this time of year?” Kate wasn’t shocked that Price had a sudden interest, but there was a reason.

“James Barnes made a visit to us, I need to make sure it’s not going to happen again.” He could hear her soft intake of breath. This was a personal matter.

“I’ll make sure there’s no issues when you fly over, remember to be safe.” Kate hung up before he could reply, though he didn’t blame her, he’d asked for a big favor.

The boys would end up packing everything when they got back, making sure to keep any weapons hidden and discreet. You would all be in enemy territory, worst case scenario was word getting back to James the moment you landed. If all went well you would be able to land in New York and meet up with Steve before James even found out you’d left England.

“So, the plan is we head out tonight, I’ve got intel that James won’t be able to fly out until tomorrow morning.” Price slipped his phone into his pocket, full attention back on everyone else.

“I’ll let Steve know when we’ll be landing, he’s been under James’ radar for this long, I’d rather not ruin his life.” Steve had been a silent godsend for you, he’d helped you escape and was willing to take the heat if needed.

You’d contact Steve first and foremost, letting him in on the plan to make sure that he even felt comfortable joining you. If all went well you’d call Tony, god knows the man deserved to get his revenge once and for all. Alex pulled into the garage after what felt like mere minutes, pulling you back down to earth as you went over the plan in your head once more. Price headed into his office right away, making all the calls that would be necessary. Gaz and Soap headed off to their rooms to pack.

Simon led you back to your bedroom, fingers grazing the skin on your back softly as if he was suddenly afraid to touch you. You wanted to assure him that things were fine and you would gladly accept his touch in any way he was willing to give it. You stepped into the room slowly, reaching down to take off your heels now that you were home.

“Finally, hate wearing those damn things.” Your feet were sore from the few times you’d had to walk around.

“I would’ve carried you if you needed darling.” Simon pulled off his jacket, loosening the tie around his neck.

“Had we been out for longer I would’ve taken you up on the offer.” You slipped the straps down and off your arms, the top of the dress pooling around your waist.

Simon watched you undress slowly, hands working on autopilot as he pulled off his tie and began to unbutton his shirt. The lace of your panties began to peek out from the dress as you pushed it off entirely, your breasts shining in the setting sun. Simon would lie to anyone who asked how he reacted in that moment, not wanting them to live through the memories he’d store away forever. Without hesitation he threw off his shirt, letting it fall carelessly to the floor as his arms wrapped around your waist. You traced your nails along the tattoos adorning his arm, finding out just a little bit more about your new husband.

“Now darling, why don’t you be a good girl and get on the bed for me.” Simon pressed his hips against you, reveling in the way your body heat melded with his own.

“Mmm, yes sir.” You pulled away from him gently, sliding your thumbs beneath the waist of your panties and sliding them off onto the floor.

Simon was hard in an instant, gently palming himself as he watched you crawl seductively overtop of the sheets. You turned to lay on your back, body fully on display for Simon to do as he pleased, with your permission of course. Simon may have done bad things in his life, but he’d never touch someone without their full consent.

“God, look how delicious you are.” Simon unbuckled his belt, sliding the thick leather from his slacks and tossing it to the side.

“Why don’t you come over and have a taste yourself.” You spread your legs slowly, your thighs glistening with the sweet nectar he was so desperate to taste.

Simon nearly tore off his slacks, along with his boxer briefs and socks so that he was naked as the day he was born. Your eyes drifted down his torso before landing on his fully erect cock, your heart began to race with the realization of how big he was. How the hell was he going to fit? Pushing all the insecurities you had you crooked your finger in a “come here” motion. Simon smirked and stalked over to you slowly, like a predator stalking its prey.

“How badly do you want this sweetheart?” Simon wanted you to beg, to hear you whimper his name.

“Please, Simon, don’t tease.” You gripped the sheets harshly, back arching slightly as he grazed his hands up your calves.

“So polite.” Simon pressed kisses along your inner thighs, each kiss getting closer to where you so desperately needed him.

Each time he would reach your sex he’d pull away, listening to the way you’d whine loudly, begging for his touch. He could feel the heat from your body, legs quivering beside his head as he dipped down slowly. You hadn’t expected his lips to wrap around your clit, suckling softly to warm you up. You reached down to grip his hair, pushing his face closer to your dripping sex as you begged for more. Simon groaned into the soft flesh, slipping down to savor the slick that was pouring from your body.

You’d tasted sweeter than any honey he could ever imagine, a divine treat that he would savor every chance he could get. Tasting you from his fingers had not done you justice, and now he was simply addicted. Your moans echoed throughout the room as his tongue slipped inside of you, curling up to bring you the utmost pleasure. Simon began to grind his hips against the bed slowly, hands gripping onto your waist to keep you from pulling away.

Heaven, that was the only way you could begin to describe the way that one Simon Riley ate pussy. He savored you as if you were his final meal on earth before he descended to heaven, leaving no area left ignored. One hand abandoned your hip to slide down to your opening, two fingers sliding in as he flicked his tongue over your clit. You screamed into the air as your orgasm crashed over you, soaking Simon’s face.

You had been so blissed out that you’d completely forgotten how long it had been since you shaved at all, clearly Simon didn’t care. Another tally for Simon, he was starting to seem like the perfect man to you right now.

“Think you can keep going?” Simon pushed himself up slowly, fisting his cock slowly to help alleviate the ache.

“If you don’t put that inside me I may just cry.” Maybe it was a little dramatic, but the man could clearly fuck and you weren’t waiting a second longer.

Simon chuckled, grabbing your legs and pulling your hips flush to his own. Your body slid down the bed, head barely resting on the pillows that sat at the top. He groaned softly, cock sliding between your folds as he slowly grinded against you. The tip of his cock hit your clit just right, sending a bolt of pleasure up your spine.

“Simon, please!” Your legs were shaking slightly, back arched harshly as you tried, and failed, to get him inside.

“As you wish.” He grabbed the base of his cock, placing himself at your entrance before pushing in slowly.

The only way that Simon could describe it would be euphoric, your body pulled him in like a warm tight hug. He wanted nothing more than to slam his cock inside you but given his size he knew it wouldn’t be pleasurable for you. Simon waited until your hips bumped gently, his cock nestled in you to the hilt before taking another breath. His chest shuddered at the way you enveloped him, if he moved too soon this would be over before it could start.

“Hold on sweetheart.” Simon smirked down at you, hoisting your legs up until your calves were resting on his shoulders.

It felt as if his cock had nestled itself all the way in your throat with how deep he was. His hips pulled back before slamming forward, a guttural moan slipping through your lips. Simon barely gave you a moment to breathe before his hips were slamming into yours over, and over. The sounds of your coupling were encompassing everything. You were thankful that Simon had at least tried to prepare you for his cock.

“Look at you sweetheart, taking my cock like such a good girl.” Simon moaned as he watched you take his cock like you were made for him.

His hand slipped up your body, palm resting gently against the base of your throat. He didn’t want to push you into something you weren’t comfortable with, but when your cunt tightened around his aching cock, he was done for.

“Fuck, you feel so fucking good.” You could hardly catch your breath, eyes rolled into the back of your skull as Simon became determined to bury his cock into your cervix.

“You gonna give me a baby, let me fill this pussy full til you’re dripping?” Your pussy tightened over his cock even more, legs quivering as your release began to creep up on you.

“Yes! Fill me up!” You would agree to absolutely anything that Simon said in that moment, as long as he didn’t leave.

He tightened his hand around your throat, cutting off the airflow to your lungs. Your back arched harshly, hands grabbing onto his arms to keep yourself stable. Simon’s thrusts didn’t falter as he continued to pound you into the mattress, the sounds of your coupling surrounding you both. His grip on your throat was suddenly gone, both hands sliding to wrap around your middle. You were sure you’d gotten whiplash with how quickly Simon had you suddenly straddling his lap.

“Fuck, look how much prettier you look sweetheart.” He kept one hand on your waist, the other reaching up to grope your breast.

You threw your head back, a flood of slick pouring from your body at the new sensation, the head of his cock ramming into your g-spot over and over. His hands were surely going to leave bruises on you, ones that everyone would be able to see. He wanted the world to know that you were his and only his. You slid your hands up to grip the back of his neck, your right hand gripping his hair to help ground you.

“Fuck, Simon, m’gonna cum.” You could barely string together a coherent thought, let alone focus on just one thing that Simon was doing to you.

His lips trailed along your collarbone, suckling gently at the skin, teeth nipping higher and higher until it reached the base of your throat. Your moans sounded like the most gorgeous music as he ravished your body.

“C’mon sweetheart, cum all over my cock.” It took one, two, three more thrusts before your orgasm crashed over you like a tidal wave, body locking up as the blinding white pleasure took over.

Simon gritted his teeth at how tight you were, hips slamming against your one last time as his orgasm took over all his senses. You mewled softly at the warmth filling you up, body exhausted from the intense pleasure that Simon had given you. He panted, carefully laying you down onto the bed to make sure that he hadn’t hurt you. Besides the delicious ache between your legs, you had never felt better in your life. He pulled out slowly, catching your slight wince as he tried to be gentle.

“Sorry, forgot how sore you’d probably be.” Simon scooted off the bed, heading into the en suite to get a cloth to help clean you up.

“Mmm, a good sore though.” You could barely move your legs, or your arms, okay maybe it was your entire body.

Simon dampened a cloth with warm water before heading back into the bedroom, gently prying your legs open he cleaned up any of your slick and cum that had managed to slip out. You could barely put up a fight as Simon started his aftercare. Shit, you had to pack a bag and leave in a few hours, how the hell were you going to manage?

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll pack a bag for both of us.” Simon would gladly buy you an entirely new wardrobe over in New York if it meant keeping you comfortable.

“Thank you.” Your eyes slid closed, breathing evening out as you fell asleep.

Simon couldn’t help but watch you sleep for a few moments, heart racing as all the feelings he’d always tried to deny came rushing to the surface. He barely even knew you and yet he wanted to protect you with everything he could. Pulling the comforter over your sleeping figure, Simon made sure you hadn’t woken up before pulling on his briefs. He’d let you nap while he packed, he had plenty of energy to do so as it was.

The halls were silent as he made his way to his room, grabbing two different suitcases. He packed his clothes meticulously, making sure nothing would get wrinkled. Once half of the suitcase was filled he zipped it shut to leave space for your own things. Then it came time to pack his knives, and guns. Knives would be preferable if he wanted to take anyone out without leaving too much of a trace. Wasn’t always doable, but he’d manage if needed.

“Hey, boss wants to make sure you’ll be ready to go in an hour.” Gaz was standing in his doorway, fully ignoring the state of undress that Simon was in.

“Yeah, just need to finish packing first.” He slid one of his favorite knives into its holster, he’d never gone without it.

“I’ll let him know, thanks.” Gaz knew not to make a total scene over how Simon looked, it was obvious the two of you had hooked up, who was he to judge?

Simon pulled out one of his shirts and a pair of sweatpants for you to borrow on the plane ride over, you’d need all the sleep you could get, and why not be comfortable at the same time? He shook his head slowly, he’d only known you for such a small amount of time and yet he felt the need to protect you. You weren’t truly his wife, so why did any of this matter in the first place when once James was taken care of you could just leave?

No, he wouldn’t let his thoughts go down that path, it wasn’t worth getting caught up in feelings when there were bigger fish to fry right now. Heading back to your room with the clothes in his hand Simon couldn’t help the rush that washed over him. You were a goddess sent down for him and he was so ready to just throw you away before. How could he possibly be even thinking like that?

“Sweetheart, time to get up.” Simon wanted to do anything he could except for wake you, but Price would be on your ass quicker than he could protest.

“Five more minutes, please.” You rolled onto your side, back facing Simon as you tried to hold onto those few precious minutes.

“Nope, you need to get dressed so we can get going.” Simon rubbed your back gently, plopping down beside you on the bed.

You groaned before pushing yourself up, it was obvious you weren’t going to be allowed to sleep before the flight. Maybe you could get some sleep then and worry about everything when you landed back in New York. Simon shyly held up the clothes in his hand, gesturing for you to take them. Once you realized exactly what was in his hands your cheeks warmed, he was really letting you wear his clothes around everyone? Shit, you were definitely falling in love and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

“Thank you, are you going to get dressed too?” You pulled on the shirt first, forgoing a bra entirely. The fabric would do a good enough job hiding your chest, why bother wearing something uncomfortable when you didn’t need to.

“I wanted to make sure you were awake first, I’ll get your stuff packed and then we can head down.” Simon pressed a kiss before sliding off the bed, heading over to your closet to grab enough clothes to last at least a few days.

You copied him quickly, rushing over to your drawer to grab a clean pair of panties. Simon chuckled at the way you wiggled your hips as you pulled them up your legs. Simon wasn’t someone who found joy in much of anything anymore, not after working for Price for so long. It was nice to be able to laugh and smile so carefree without worrying for once.

“Get your pants and some shoes on while I finish packing, I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Simon laid your clothes over one arm, being careful of any delicates.

“Yes sir.” You weakly saluted him, laughing when he rolled his eyes and headed out of your room.

The pants were a challenge to get on in general, since Simon was so much bigger than you were they pooled at your ankles. You tied the drawstrings as much as you could, hoping they wouldn’t accidentally fall down when you started walking. Deciding that you could only do so much with your current predicament you headed down to Simon’s room. The faint sound of Soap’s laughter began to get louder with each step.

“You can’t keep your hands off one anotha it seems.” Soap had dressed down to a comfortable sweater and a pair of jeans, Simon dressed in something similar.

“The feelings are very much mutual.” Simon folded the last piece of clothing, setting it into the suitcase, zipping it closed as you stepped into the room.

“There she is!” Soap walked over to you, wrapping you up into a tight hug.

You laughed lightly, a little confused as to why Soap was being so affectionate all of a sudden, what in the world had Simon told him before you arrived? Simon merely shook his head, if to gesture not to ask or that he wasn’t sure of Soap’s affections you weren’t entirely sure.

“Now don’t you look awfully pretty there.” Soap pulled back, keeping his arms on the top of your shoulders.

“Soap, let go of her so we can finish packing please.” Simon was exasperated, wanting nothing more than for Soap to leave you be.

The Scot threw up his hands, heading out and leaving you and Simon to continue packing in what you hoped would be a peaceful silence. Your body was still overstimulated from Simon’s amazing lovemaking. There would be moments you’d surely slip up in front of everyone, pressing into Simon’s side like a cat.

“Do you think this will work? That we can finally get rid of him?” You had always dreamt of killing James but given how powerful he was it was simply a suicide mission.

“I do, I believe in the men I work with and I trust them with my life.” Simon hadn’t trusted many people in his life, but they were his family now.

“I trust you, Simon.” It was a long shot, taking down one of the most dangerous men, but you had faith they could do it.

Simon grabbed both suitcases before facing you, his expression was determined, and by god did that turn you on even more than before. Simon was a man on a mission, and he would do whatever it took to ensure everyone’s safety.

“Let’s go, the faster we can leave the better.” He pressed a soft kiss to your hair before heading down to the garage.

Gaz, Soap, and Price had been discussing the details amongst themselves, deciding on the best course of action when you landed. First and foremost you would contact Steve Rogers and see if he would be willing to help. If Steve was willing to help you’d get into contact with Tony and figure out the next steps. However if he wasn’t willing to help you’d need Price to call Tony and see if he would help do the dirty work.

It was now or never, you would make sure that James Barnes couldn’t harm a single person in one of his angry tirades ever again.

#simon ghost riley #simon riley x reader #simon riley x you #simon riley x y/n #simon ghost x reader #simon ghost x you #simon ghost riley x reader #simon ghost riley x you #simon ghost riley x female oc #john soap mactavish #john price #kyle gaz garrick #kate laswell #tony stark #steve rogers #steven grant #marc spector #james barnes #bucky barnes

51 notes · View notes