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siswritesyanderes · 3 years

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If it had been Jasper-Sadie or Alice-Sadie as the vampires and finding their third later, how if at all would any of the “prior” story (the Twilght saga proper) have changed?

This turns the timeline inside out, but Meyer was never great at those anyway.

(Hi, if you're from the Twilight fandom stumbling across this post without context, Sadie is my OC in a yandere Alice/yandere Jasper/OC fic that you can read here.)

Ohhh, so much potential there! I can't answer that in full, because doing so would spoil what Sadie's potential vampire ability is. (Super sorry about that. Feel free to ask again after that information has come up in Rule One!)

I can say that both Bella and Edward would take to confiding in her and seeking her counsel with regards to their relationship. Especially if it's a Sadie-Alice duo; Edward would be super close with both Sadie and Alice (like he's close with Alice in canon), and while he sometimes gets frustrated with Alice, he pretty much always respects Sadie. It's like, Alice would be Bella's best friend and Edward's partner in crime (since she's still the one who would agree to kidnap Bella, whereas Sadie would never), and Sadie would be Bella's confidante and Edward's moral compass. Both Bella and Edward would go to Sadie for advice about each other, and Sadie, though startled by their neediness, would always have something valuable to say.

(Picture Bella or Edward bursting into Sadie's room with a question, and Sadie, wide-eyed, putting down whatever she's doing and saying, "Alrighty then, have a seat.)

Edward trusts that Sadie wouldn't lie to him, so the urgency in having Bella run to him in Italy before he sparkles in front of people (lest he read Alice's thoughts and assume she's lying to him) wouldn't be a thing; Sadie just runs Bella to Edward with vampire speed and is subjected to that whole reunion as an awkward third wheel while Alice parks the stolen car.

Also, Sadie would tip every fight slightly more in favor of the Cullens, but she would also have a habit of really wanting to talk to the enemies instead of attacking them. This is good/useful with the Volturi but not so good/useful with Victoria and Riley.

Oh! Also, Sadie would realize that Victoria will probably follow Edward's scent, in Eclipse, and Sadie would accompany him and Bella in sitting the battle out, so that they have more backup against Victoria. Jasper and Alice wouldn't be privy to the fact that Victoria is coming; this is just a realization that Sadie has that Edward hears in her mind. (As far as Jasper and Alice are concerned, Sadie is sitting the battle out just to be safe, and they're happy that she won't be in harm's way.) This is where Sadie's need to talk to enemies would become a problem, because both Victoria and Riley are too far gone to listen to reason, but Sadie really believes in them and wants to convince them they don't have to die today. It still turns out fine, though. Sadie gets a little hurt, but she's fine. Alice and Jasper would be absolutely smothering, after. Victoria is lucky she's already dead, because they would make her suffer.

And Sadie would think to explain things to Irina before Alice realizes that Irina is going to the Volturi, so that whole misunderstanding never happens.

All of that being said, the thought of "Yandere Alice meets Sadie first" and "Yandere Jasper meets Sadie first" got really interesting to me. So I have to talk about those scenarios immediately.

I'm going to place Sadie sometime in the twentieth century in both cases, and I'm going to try to let the time period matter as little as possible, but feel free to imagine them in 50s or 60s attire, lol. (Or 70s or 80s; again, it doesn't matter that much; I'm just placing her in the twentieth century to keep the rough order of events the same, kind of.) I'm approaching this with the assumption that Alice and Jasper still become vampires in the same way/at the same time as they do in canon; they just meet at different times. I'm not dealing with the Confederate thing here, though, because I'll be dealing with it in Rule One.

I'm gonna go ahead and put it all under the cut. (And if your experience of Rule One is more invested in the potential for wholesome romance than the yandere aspect, maybe the rest of this isn't for you, because this is definitely more yandere-leaning, lol.)

Alice-Sadie

Alice knows three things: 1. Her own name. 2. That she is going to join the Cullens. 3. That Sadie, whom she has not yet met, is her soulmate.

Though she slips up every now and then, Alice does her best not to eat humans. She wants to fit in with the Cullens by the time she finds them, so she's accustoming herself to the animal diet. Anyway, she has a mate out there whom she will meet as a human, and she has to get herself under control before she can risk being around her.

The thing is, Alice knows about Sadie before Sadie is actually an option, so she has to kill time so that she doesn't meet Sadie too early. And Alice hates waiting, so she goes ahead and introduces herself to the Cullens before Sadie. She tells them all about how she'll have a soulmate soon, and how it's killing her to keep her distance but she knows things will be way better if she never meets Sadie as a child. She decorates her room with things that Sadie likes, anticipating that one day she'll be sharing the room with Sadie. Honestly, if it weren't for Edward's mind reading, the rest of the Cullens might think Sadie was an imaginary friend or something.

(Rosalie would normally take issue with Alice's plans to intrude on the life of a human she's never met just because of a potential future where they're in love, but she doesn't really take Alice's fantasizing seriously until it's too late.)

One day, Alice just sort of disappears from the Cullen house, and only Edward knows where she's gone.

Sadie is finally at the right age; it's time.

Alice appears in Sadie's life, and everything she says and does is perfect. She rockets from stranger to friend to best friend at an impressive rate, her precognition easily compensating for Sadie's hesitancy (and Sadie would start off more wary than she is in Rule One, due to the time period). Having left the rest of the Cullens, for the time being, there is nothing (read: no one) holding Alice back from being absolutely surgical about making herself important in Sadie's life and subtly isolating her. She gives expensive gifts, and comprehensive compliments, and she always knows what to say to make Sadie like and trust her more.

When Sadie starts to become suspicious about the evolution of their friendship, Alice drops the vampire bomb and the soulmate bomb all at once, showing Sadie her speed and strength and sparkles. There was no better way to do it. Alice checked; this was the absolute best set of circumstances for the reveal.

Sadie asks for time to process the information. She asks for space. Alice graciously allows it; she's practically living with Sadie at this point, anyway. (Not that Sadie knows it. But yeah, she's in Sadie's house pretty much 24/7 (minus her hunting trips), dodging notice with stealth and psychic powers.)

When Sadie is ready to talk again, Alice pours out every reassurance: how she will never stop loving her; how she would never hurt her; how she thinks about her all the time and loves her so much. Sadie isn't fully won over by the whole vampire lover concept, but Alice does convince her to come meet her family.

They go to the Cullen house. Alice shows her off to everyone, and Rosalie is stunned, and Emmett laughs incredulously. Edward and Carlisle make polite introductions, and Esme hugs her, just glad to see Alice so happy. (Esme has been so worried about her newest daughter, so flighty and constantly pining for someone who wasn't there. And then she disappeared, and anything could have happened to her! But now she's back, and she's brought someone lovely, and she looks happier than Esme has ever seen her.) Carlisle and Edward give Sadie a more in-depth explanation of how vampires operate and why the bond between mates is a big deal. Esme cooks her a huge meal. Before they know it, nighttime has come, and Sadie falls asleep in Alice's room.

She wasn't drugged or anything; Alice just perfectly orchestrated a set of circumstances in which she would be tired by this exact time.

When she wakes up, Alice is an utter angel, offering her breakfast and a bath and telling her that there's more to see, around the house. She hasn't seen Rosalie's garage, yet! She hasn't seen Esme's garden. And soon enough she's sleeping over again.

On that third day at the house, Rosalie pulls Sadie aside to say that she'll drive Sadie home, if Sadie needs her to. But Alice has done her job well; Sadie likes Alice, and she likes the Cullens, and most of all, she's so curious about vampires and the world thereof. She's willing to stay and learn, provided she can visit her friends and family, and provided Alice doesn't try to change her. She fills several journals with what she learns about vampires, all in the span of a single year. She learns so much, and she's never satisfied that she's learned enough.

When Alice asks her to let Carlisle change her, she chooses exactly the right conversation, exactly the right approach, and exactly the right time. Sadie agrees and becomes a vampire. (She kind of has to, for this prompt, lol.) Rosalie is annoyed, but she knows that Sadie thought the matter over thoroughly.

When the day comes that Alice sees Jasper in their future, she drags Sadie off to meet him, barely explaining herself beyond "We have another mate!". Sadie goes along with it because she's used to Alice's antics.

They meet this crimson-eyed, roguishly handsome vampire, and Jasper is pretty instantly enthralled with them both. He's curious about their golden eyes, charmed by Alice's forwardness, and amused by Sadie's mix of intrigue and wariness. The emotional flavor of Alice's joy and cheerfulness, and of Sadie's curiosity and uncertainty, are enough to pretty much have him wrapped around their fingers right away.

Sadie's reaction is more "Ohhhh, Alice, this guy eats people..."

Alice just goes, "It's okay. Jasper will be willing to change his diet if we ask him to. Won't you, Jasper?"

And it's so presumptuous, but also he's into it, because Sadie has already made it clear that eating humans is a deal-breaker for her, and he doesn't want this meeting to end.

He joins the family, and it feels like the best thing ever; he has two amazing soulmates, and he belongs to a large coven that will always be safe from strangers. The animal-eating thing is a downside, but there's no help for that.

The dynamic for the next little while is that Alice is already in love with both Jasper and Sadie, Jasper is already in love with Alice and Sadie, and Sadie is in love with Alice and polite to Jasper but isn't quite sure about him. Like, she's in a peculiar place of "We are soulmates, and I do like you and feel an attraction to you, and I understand how our personalities are good together, but I don't know how long it'll take me to become comfortable with your past", and Jasper is just falling over himself to earn her approval, but she's comfortable with allowing it to take time.

(Rosalie is secretly very entertained by the whole thing, and Emmett is not-so-secretly entertained.)

Unlike in canon, Jasper would never suggest eating any human ever again; even once Sadie is comfortable with him, he never wants to risk making her doubt him the way she did in the beginning.

Jasper-Sadie

So at this point in his life, Jasper is eating people. His eyes are bright red, and he is ruthless, and Alice isn't around to temper that side of him.

This is absolutely a kidnapping situation.

When he runs into Sadie (entirely by happenstance), he doesn't know immediately that he is in love with her; he just knows that he wants to follow her, so he does. He stalks after her like he has stalked lots of prey in the past. Her blood doesn't sing to him, though; after several hours of just tailing her, he realizes that he just likes to hear her breathe and speak and laugh. He likes to look at her. He likes to taste her emotions on the air. He likes this human.

Then he realizes that he's in love with her, as much as Peter is in love with Charlotte.

He never wants to stop looking at her, listening to her talk...

He manages to get her alone, and he introduces himself in a charismatic, gentlemanly fashion. He kisses the back of her hand (managing to ignore the feel and sound of her pulse so close; he shouldn't take a risk like that again) and says, "Good afternoon, ma'am. My name is Jasper Whitlock. May I ask what your name is?"

She notices the coldness of his skin and the redness of his eyes (and again, time-period-wise, this interaction is very weird), but he is sending her the most powerful waves of comfort and calm that he can. She is dazed and perplexed, but not afraid, as she answers, "I'm Sadie Gilder."

It's the most beautiful name he has ever heard.

He abducts her pretty much then and there; he leads her away with a request that she accompany him and a heavy layer of mood control. Sadie is able to break out of the daze (through sheer overthinking) after they've walked together awhile; by the time she asks, "Wait, where are we?", they've reached the secluded mansion of an old widow.

(Jasper doesn't need a place to sleep, but his Sadie does, so he quickly identified this place as the best option.)

The order in which Jasper eats the occupants of the house and brings Sadie inside the house is up to your imagination, as is whether or not Sadie ends up seeing any bodies or seeing him with blood on his face and clothes. Either way, just the kidnapping itself is enough to have Sadie panicking, and he hates to feel her fear.

He holds her, gives her calming energy, and whispers to her. "Don't be scared. I won't hurt you, Perfect Sadie. I won't eat you. You're too special. Just gonna keep you right here." (He's just eaten a lot of people, so he's okay with breathing right next to her, so that he can keep whispering to her.) She falls asleep in his arms. He doesn't stop holding her, and he doesn't stop whispering. (Also, remember how the first thing he says to Sadie in Rule One is that she's warm and soft? Yeah, he still says that, pretty much verbatim, in this scenario. I'm not putting it in quotes, because it sounds dirty in a kidnapping context, but he for sure says it.)

The next day, since he's keeping up the comforting vibes to keep her from being afraid, Sadie asks Jasper a lot of questions. He tells her everything he knows about vampires. He isn't fully versed in vampire mating, so he isn't able to really inform her that his obsession with her is, to some degree, an inherent vampire trait, but he is very good at conveying to her that he is obsessed.

With no one to tell him to cool it with his power, and with his diet of human blood making his power more potent than it would be on animal blood, Jasper uses it at pretty much full capacity every time, instead of subtle shifts in emotion. So, while Sadie does notice that it's happening, she can't keep herself from the effects of his power by self-awareness alone.

He generally doses her with the same kind of peaceful calm he uses when he meets strange vampires for the first time, instead of the lethargic calm he uses to keep prey docile. He uses the latter when he wants her to sleep, but for the most part he just wants her to be unfearful and communicative.

She eats the food that's in the house. When he's able to convince himself to leave her unattended (usually after he's put her to sleep), he picks up more groceries and abducts some humans for himself. He keeps them in the cellar, far enough away from Sadie that she needn't know they're there but close enough that he can still hear her when he goes down to eat them. It's actually very convenient, not to have to hunt often; he just has to pop down to the cellar and enjoy a few of the already-injured occupants. Having a steady home has its upside. It's a shame someone will eventually notice the widow missing and he'll have to move with Sadie. But there will always be another empty mansion, or a mansion that can be easily made empty.

(When it's time to change homes, Jasper carries Sadie to the new destination while she's sleeping.)

Partially due to the mood control and partially due to the upfront-ness of everything, there's honestly very little tension between them. There's fear, sometimes (The one time Sadie tries to leave the mansion while Jasper is eating, he runs up from the cellar to stop her, and he's still covered in blood, and she's terrified, and it takes him a lot of soothing to get her calm again. It upsets him when she's scared.), but no tension. Sadie would like to leave, but she gathers that she can't, so all there is to do is maneuver within the new situation and learn more about her captor.

And neither of them is inherently a romantic. Jasper loves her, but even he isn't under the impression that they're dating or something. As far as he's concerned, he's keeping her; as far as she's concerned, she's studying him. Jasper is ecstatic with the arrangement, and Sadie is as comfortable as the situation allows.

Peter and Charlotte follow Jasper's scent at some point, wanting to hang out, and Jasper socializes with them outside the mansion, explaining that they can't go in because there's a human inside whom he is invested in keeping alive, and he can't risk them eating her. When they learn that he's in love, they ask if he plans on changing her, but he says that he can't yet. His control isn't good enough.

One day, Alice shows up.

She meets Jasper while he's in town, gathering food for Sadie and himself. They still have the little "You kept me waiting" "My apologies" flirtation, but he's a little more guarded, because he has to get back to Sadie, and as much as he is already beguiled by this weird-eyed stranger, he doesn't want her following him home. She's a vampire, and no vampires are allowed near his Sadie.

Alice really wants to skip the wooing; she's already seen herself with Jasper and Sadie. But she knows that mentioning Sadie too soon could make Jasper defensive, so she has to sprinkle herself slowly into Jasper's life, meeting him when he comes to town and letting his instinctive attraction and fondness for her grow into trust over a span of months (even moving towns when he does). She doesn't say anything about him switching to an animal diet, either; she tells him that she eats animals, but trying to influence him at this stage could alter her chances of seeing Sadie. Better to just let him murder.

Once they're at the right place, trust-wise, she tells him that she is already as in love with Sadie as she is with him, due to her psychic visions, and she asks to meet her. At first, Jasper isn't ready, but after she's asked a few more times, he allows it.

Alice has to be extra careful, because she wants to just run and hug Sadie as soon as she sees her, but if she makes a sudden move, Jasper will react badly. (Especially since the speed that comes with her small frame makes her a genuine threat to Sadie, even with Jasper there.) Not to mention, she has to endear herself to Sadie, whose only experience with vampires has been abduction.

"Sadie Lily Gilder," Alice says, barely restraining her excitement. "I am Alice Cullen. I'm your other soulmate."

Sadie is mostly perplexed and a little exasperated, but Jasper feels suddenly as if the sun has broken through the clouds. (Which means a lot, since he was already happy before.) Alice's joy at finally getting to see Sadie seems to fill the room, and this is his first time hearing Sadie's middle name, and...

"I like seeing you together," he realizes.

For the next few months, Alice is allowed to visit Sadie every now and then, under full supervision from Jasper. He can feel that she loves Sadie as much as he does, but he's still got to be careful. Humans are so fragile, and he's used to only trusting himself. When she comes, Alice brings Sadie little gifts that she never thought to ask Jasper before. She brings a new spritely energy to the house that Sadie comes to enjoy.

The following few months, (and after Jasper has watched her hunt animals) she's allowed to stay over full-time. They watch Sadie sleep, together. She's able to answer more of Sadie's questions.

Alice introduces Jasper to the idea of joining a family she's seen in their future. He doesn't want that many vampires around their Sadie, but as always, Alice says just the right things: they're all animal eaters; she hasn't seen a single future where any of them hurt Sadie; and the eldest of them could change Sadie for them.

(She also has to convince Sadie to want to become immortal with them, since she knows that Carlisle and Edward would be against turning her against her will. It helps that Sadie has been captured by a vampire for a while, now, and being a vampire herself would give her a chance of exerting some control over her future.)

When they meet the Cullens, Alice acts like they're already best friends. Jasper is more formal in asking the patriarch if he can change Sadie for them.

Edward calls them out on kidnapping Sadie, but Sadie points out that, unless things come to blows between the Cullens and Alice and Jasper, the only way for her to no longer be kidnapped is by becoming a vampire.

So Carlisle changes her, and she stays with the Cullens so that she can have someone to help her overcome her thirst during her newborn years without slipping up and hurting someone. Alice and Jasper stay with the Cullens, too (and the Cullens tell Jasper that he has to switch to the animal diet if he wants to stay). Eventually, all three of them are close enough to various members of the Cullen family that they just sort of become part of it.

Having been kidnapped at the start of all this, though, Sadie exerts her autonomy in pretty much every way. In her newborn years, in which she is more temperamental (though that isn't saying much; she's still pretty mellow by newborn vampire standards), she confronts Jasper for what he did, and he pretty much just takes it; things have worked out pretty great for him, so it's only fair to let her get it off her chest. Sadie can feel the bond between her and Alice and Jasper, but she can also feel that he didn't have to do what he did. She goes to visit her human family, once she knows that she won't eat them; she and Rosalie go on lengthy road trips; she and Emmett go to football games; she goes volunteering and home renovating with Esme; she learns languages and musical instruments from Edward; she learns vampire history from Carlisle and even joins him on a trip to Volterra.

She lets Alice buy her clothes but overall gives Jasper a wide berth.

Alice, having gained full trust from Jasper, is able to convince him to allow Sadie her space for a while, as she comes to terms with everything that happened. Jasper agrees, since Sadie isn't so fragile anymore and he knows that Alice is keeping an eye on her. So long as they know where Sadie is at all times, and so long as she is accompanied by at least one of the Cullens, he can bear to spend uninterrupted one-on-one time with his newest mate, especially if doing so will help Sadie to forgive him.

The diet of animal blood makes him less wild (but more tense, as he can feel that he is weaker), and the newness of everything in Sadie's life raises her spirits. Maybe eventually she'll be willing to hang out with him again, but it'll take a few years.

#rule one sadie #sadie lily gilder #yandere jasper hale #yandere alice cullen #male yandere #female yandere #yandere twilight #yandere poly #kidnapping #obsession #possessive #yandere/oc #black oc

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queenmuzz · 4 years

Text

Deep Blue Sea: Chapter V

Prisoner’s Dilemma

Full story is on Ao3 here.

“...and we're expected to reach 4 percent growth this quarter,” the chief officer of finance droned on, “with a goal of ten percent growth at the end of the year. The Asian markets are causing immense growth, and our acquisition of Mallet Fisheries has opened us to the European markets, particularly among with herring and cod”

Your head nodded, and you were failing the to fight the urge to doze off, when you felt your knee being squeezed. You jerked, and looked to your right, to a apologetically smiling Fredrick. Hastily, you checked around at the other men and women at the mahogany table, to see if anyone else had noticed. Thankfully, they seemed all engrossed at the woman at the podium.

“Unfortunately, we may not reach our projected growth this year, due to unforeseen circumstances regarding mechanical issues with our ships, and especially the sinking of the Phantom.” You felt heat creep up your neck and face, you knew exactly what they were talking about. (The Phantom was one of the larger ships the company owned, to think Vergil could have single-handedly taken it down...wow, you were impressed).

“But nevertheless,” she continued, “We've been personally assured that the cause of these malfunctions have been taken care of, and we should not face anymore issues.” You grimaced, and then quickly checked if anyone else had seen your reaction, but even Fredrick hadn't seen anything, thank God.

“And with that,” she said, “I leave the last words to our wonderful owner.” A round of polite clapping followed as your father walked up up to podium, a big grin on his face. He adjusted his reading glasses, as he checked his notes. “As you know, my Father started this business as a small humble fleet of boats, set on the east coast, and was very happy at how it grew and prospered. When he passed it down to me, he told me, 'Son, this is your family legacy. Take care of it as if it was your own child. Nurture it, support it, watch it grow and succeed. And one day, you will see it grow up more than you could have ever hoped.'” He smiled and looked up. “When my father handed me the company, it was large, a dominant fishing fleet that covered the east coast. And several decades later, we've managed to make our family business fully live up to it's name. Mundus is the Latin word for 'The World', and I am proud to see the the company I've worked hard to build has truly lived to it's name. Mundus Ltd has truly become a worldwide company.”

He looked straight at you “Which is why I'm happy to announce that as of today, I'll be letting my daughter, and future son-in-law slowly take over the business.” Surprised murmurings came from the suits, which your father quickly quieted down. “Now don't worry, this transitional period will be at least five years, and possibly a whole decade, to make it as smooth as possible, and I'll be in charge up until the very end. No one's job is at risk. All I ask is that you would treat them as hospitably as you can, help them learn the ropes of this business, and by the time my daughter is ready to take the reins, you'll barely notice the difference. Does anyone have any questions, for me or for our future leaders?”

Thankfully, the boardroom was full of people who were thinking exactly like you, and wanting to get out, asap, so no hands were raised. “Well, that about wraps this meeting up, thank you all for attending, we'll meet up in a few weeks time.” Your father said, as the board members attempted to not look to eager to leave the room. You attempted to do the same, but unfortunately, your dad intercepted you, “I know it's a lot of pressure, to live up to this responsibility, but I'm sure with just a few years of training, you'll be ready to take over your legacy. After all, it's in the blood, right?” He laughed as he placed his hand on your shoulder, “Let's go out for a business lunch, I can show you the basics”

You wanted to decline, but Fredrick saved the day. “Sorry sir, but we've already planned our lunch together,” which you father seemingly was fine with.

“Have fun, you lovebirds!” he called out as you left the building, causing you to blush immensely.

*****

You sat in the booth, poking at your salad. You'd at first been happy that Fredrick had 'rescued' you from the attentions of your father, but now you were regretting it, since your fiance was a bit nervous, a bit distant. He kept glancing at his phone, like he was expecting a call, and it was getting a bit annoying.

“So, you expecting someone?” you attempted to ask nonchalantly, after his sixth checkup.

He sighed apologetically, “I'm sorry, my dad is expecting me home soon, he has business dealings with a Japanese engineering firm he wants me to be a part of, but we're not sure when they will show up, their flight might be a bit early. He paused, took a drink of his water, and stiffened, “which is what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“What does this have to do with me?” you asked, somewhat nervously.

He sighed, as if he really didn't want this conversation. “It looks like my father wants me to head with the engineering team back to Japan to oversee the construction and operation of the new fish processing plant.”

You were relieved. It wasn't something bad at all, he was just nervous about the 'promotion' “Oh that's great! It's wonderful that you're father trusts you with such an important task. I'm sure you'll do great at it.”

He grimaced, “Yeah... that's the problem. I'll be out of the country for nearly ten and half months...”

You mentally calculated... you'd been engaged for a month, and in that time you'd seen Fredrick a grand total of... four days. That would leave...

“You'll only have a half a month to get ready before the wedding?!”

“Yeah, I know, I brought this up with my dad, but he said that this couldn't wait.... this was the perfect opportunity to get my feet wet in the business, and that I'd be a fool to miss this,” he said sheepishly.

“But the planning... I thought we were going to do this together!”

“We can, I won't be in the middle of nowhere, I'll have 24/7 internet access.”

“That won't help me with contacting vendors, caterers, and convention areas... it won't help me choose flowers or who to invite and who's persona non grata to the ceremony,” you protested.

Your fiance gritted his teeth as his head “Look, my father said that was usually the reserve of the ladies, and you're getting a top notch wedding planner, so how hard could it be? By the time I come back, the only thing we'll need is the tuxedo fitting, and we'll be good to go.”

“How hard could it be!?” you wanted to scream, but you couldn't start a scene in public. Besides, he had a point, how many months had he gone without seeing you while you were busy on you studies? He deserved this chance to make something of himself, even if it put more of a burden on you. It wouldn't be fair to him to deny him this, not when you were comfortable at home, no expectations... just arrange a wedding, and learn how your father's business ran. Still, you had hoped that both of you would be able to do this as a team....

“Alright, I guess. I mean, I won't deny that I'm disappointed...but do you really want this?”

He placed his hand on yours, and smiled apologetically. “Yes, although I wish it was at any other time of my life. It's a shame how life likes to throw curve balls at us. Now,” he said as he waved a passing waiter for the check, “Let me drive you home, and I'll get you my future contact info.”

*****

Fredrick pulled into your driveway, and hurriedly got out to open the door for you. He was always so gentlemanly about it, and even when it occasionally annoyed you, you couldn't bear to tell him to stop.

“We've arrived, milady” he joked as he escorted you to your front door. As you went through your keys to get the correct one, you paused. Your fiance had not been to your place since the aquarium was set up, and hadn't been told about Vergil. In fact, aside from your father and 'Doctor' Griffon, you were pretty sure no one knew about the merman.

What was strange was that you weren't worried about what Fredrick would think of Vergil, it was more of what Vergil would Fredrick. Would he see him as an intruder? What nonsense! In the past month, with your daily conversations, you'd told him many things about yourself, your family (although you had wisley steered away from talking about your father) friends, and... your fiance. What had Vergil called him? Ah, yes, 'Future Bondmate'. Merfolk seemed to have the romantic terms for everything. Surely he would be understanding enough that he would see Fredrick was no threat.

“Having trouble, honey?” Fredrick's voice intruded into your thoughts.

“I'm sorry, between all the keys from the estate, it's always hard to find the right one.” You fingered each key on the ring. One for your father's place, one for the warehouse on the estate, one to you mother's... and of course, one to Fredrick's place. Not to mention the ones to the private dock where you and your father kept your boats.

“Ah, here it is” you pulled it out in victory, and you inserted the key, and turned. “Now I must warn you, my place is a bit different since you last came over...” but by then it was too late, your fiance had inadvertently pushed you aside to get a better look at the aquarium. Could you really blame him? He didn't quite share the same fascination of the oceans as you, but only a curmudgeon would fail to appreciate the beauty of such an extravagant aquarium. He marveled at the coral, the rocks, the fish...

But not Vergil.

The merman was nowhere to be seen. You panicked for a brief moment, worried that Vergil had attempted an escape, and was currently stuck or hurt. But then you saw just a flicker of movement, from behind one of the farther rocks, nearly imperceptible to anyone who didn't know there was something there in the first place. Vergil, cautious as ever (and could you blame him?) had obviously heard a stranger, and decided retreat was the wisest course of action. “Amazing, your father really has outdone himself this time.” He observed a school of angelfish swim past. “It will be a bit of a hassle to move it to my place after the wedding...”

“Wait” you interrupted, jokingly “Who's to say I'm moving in with you?”

“I need to be close to my business, and close to the airport should I need to make an emergency trip to one of the factories.” he said, straight faced.

You realized he wasn't joking, and you protested “But this is my place, my home... we haven't even discussed our living arrangements yet.”

He seemed to have grasped quickly what you were talking about. “Sorry, I really shouldn't have assumed....Look, we don't have to move in all the way, you can keep this place as your home, live at my place part time, it's not really going to be that far, just a half hour drive if the traffic is good. We can even-” he was interrupted by a incessant buzzing, and he grabbed his phone, looking at message. “Aw damn, looks like their flight has arrived.” He began walking to the door, with you following. “Look, I'll try to call you every night, you work out all the arrangements, and I'll say yes to everything and anything you want. I want this to be the day you always dreamed about.” He gave you a quick kiss on the lips, before opening the front door, and running to his car. He pulled out at an alarming rate of speed, waving to you the entire time. You reciprocated, smiling and waving all the while until he was out of sight. Only then did your arm slowly fall down, and your smile fade.

Slowly closing the door, you trudged inside, before flopping down on the couch. It was only early afternoon, and yet you were exhausted. You were could only deal with so much personal interaction for so long without starting to break down. And now you were expected to take care of every single detail of this wedding. And it was going to be big wedding, you knew that. It would have been nice if the workload had been sha-

“So that is your bondmate to be?” Vergil's inner voice gently prodded you from your anxiety inducing thoughts. You looked back at the aquarium glass, where he floated silently. Only now did you notice that his once pale tale was now speckled with blue scales, and his fins now had more of a blueish tint to them, unrelated to the lights of the aquarium.

“Yeah, that's Fredrick,” you waited for his judgement, no doubt negative, as Vergil had a very low opinion of humans in general.

“He seems like a good man” he responded, and you smiled. Perhaps he wasn't the curmudgeon you thought he was.

“But you do not love him.”

You did a double take, “Wait, what do you mean?”

He kept his eyes on you, but not in a judgmental way, “The way you talk to him, the physical gestures, the way you smile...” you thought about how he was watching you smile, and you felt bubbly inside, before shoving it back down. “You do not hate him, nor dislike him, but as a bondmate....” he hesitated before continuing on “he is not what you wish for the rest of your life. Which perplexes me, why do you go through with this?”

You thought about the first part. Vergil was correct, while you and Fredrick were good friends, almost best friends, you couldn't really take it to the next level. But the wedding... once you were married, things would work out.

“It's more complicated than that, Vergil. Humans don't always marry for love, it's actually a relatively new concept, especially among upper classes. We usually married to bind families together, whether property, land, or power. Hopefully, love was added benefit.”

“Strange” the merman mused, “Perhaps it is due to humans and their need for possessions has superseded other concerns. We merfolk do not have such concerns, and as such, we value our connections, with out family, friends, our... bondmates. To create such a connection” he said seriously, and you realized this was the first you'd heard about mer culture, “is a life long commitment, one that has power that is.... inexplicable” You hesitated, worried at that you would bring up bad memories, “Vergil...do you...have a bondmate?”

He was taken aback, and he backed up for a tense moment, “No.... I was a bit of an oddity, I preferred to go my way for the past few years. Perhaps in a few years... if ...” his eyes seemed to dim, and he looked like he was staring at nothing.

“Vergil,” you said softly, and the alertness returned, but not to the same exact level as before, “The offer is still on the table, if you want to leave, I'll get you to the ocean.” You had expected him to either happily take the offer, or return to his angry state and denial. You didn't expect a small, sad smile.

“The offer is appreciated whether you place it on a table or in the aquarium, but I must decline...for now.”

“Well, if you ever change your mind, at any time, I'll do it. I don't want you to be a prisoner here.”

“We seem to have that in common...” he chuckled without mirth, causing you to cock your head in confusion. “You do not wish to see me a prisoner of this cage and I...” he paused, “I do not wish to see you a prisoner of expectations....”

And with that, he (rapidly) swam away, leaving you flummoxed, confused, and suddenly rather disconcerted.

#Devil May Cry #Deep Blue Sea #Vergil #Vergil x Reader #Mergil #Vergill

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the-minyard-twins · 4 years

Text

Andreil Fic Rec

I’ve always wanted to do a fic rec so here we are! I’ve read a lot of Andreil recently and these are my top 28 favorite Andreil and AFTG fics

1. Trust Fall (And Welcoming Arms) by SpangleBangle

85k | Explicit

Life goes on after the Foxes win the championship, and for Andrew and Neil it’s uncharted territory with only each other for guides. Maybe it’s time to put away some of those hard edges, and learn how to touch more softly, and speak more honestly. And if they falter, they have their family to help them get back on their feet.

2. Learning To Feel (When You’ve Forgotten How) by thegirlwiththeprettybrowneyes

43k | Teen | No Proust AU

On the night before his first day of therapy at Easthaven, Andrew blows out his legs and decides he isn’t going to bury his feelings anymore, consequences be damned. In return, he gets a schedule change, and a very strange new therapist. /////// “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you,” Andrew finished, looking anywhere but at Neil’s face. Neil looked like he had just realized the sky was blue. “You like me,” Andrew sighed. “Yeah,” he said, resigned “Yeah, Neil, I like you,” /////// No Proust AU

3. Broken by Jeni182

34k | Explicit

Andrew attempts suicide and he and Neil try to navigate his recovery and healing together.

4. Waves by Jeni182 (sequel to Broken)

94k | Explicit

Broken Part II - Neil and Andrew try to navigate life post Andrew’s suicide attempt now that he’s in Denver and Neil’s in his last year at PSU.

5. Funky Happenings with the Fox Family by dobbypussypopper

29k | Teen | text!fic

naughtygayweedcrime: did I rlly just see neil say woke

naughtygayweedcrime: what a surreal timeline we live in

dumbfool: allison is trying to teach me how to meme so I can get hip

naughtygayweedcrime: bless your poor soul

davidwymack: sometimes I regret living

davidwymack has muted exyllent, damnwilds, + 7 others for 30 minutes

6. Something in Return by reaching _my_summit

31k | Mature

“Andrew Minyard, how will you celebrate winning your final college Exy championship?”

“I’m going to Disney World,” Andrew deadpans.

- - -

Andrew’s final year at Palmetto State comes to a close. His future is upon him and there are plans to be made. Years ago, Neil asked Andrew to stop smoking in exchange for something. Andrew finally knows what he wants in return.

7. The Unloved Kids by AlrightDarlin

35k | Not Rated

“I intend to treat them the same. I need strong athletes, not toddlers,” Wymack starts, but sits back with a sigh, running a hand over his face. “But hypothetically, if I had to look after a bunch of toddlers on the weekends…”

Betsy’s eyes crinkle with her smile. “Are you asking advice?”

“They’re screwed up enough,” Wymack says, “I’m not trying to make it worse.”

(David Wymack takes his little nightmares and does his best to corral them and love them within an inch of their lives. He can’t change what happened to them, but he can be there for them now.)

8. Turn it Off by elawless

10k | Mature

“It hurts…so much…too…much” He choked out between breaths. “I want to let go so…bad. I am so close”. He lifted his head to look at Andrew and saw no blue in his eyes and believed Andrew was real, but the rest of the pain was. It was just enough for him to trust Andrew with what he would say next.

“Stay. Give me Neil back. Don’t leave.” Andrew could no longer cover all of his desperation, his voice seemed to crack on the last word.

“Just let me turn it off. Just for today. Neil will come back. Bring him back, for the both of you.”

9. VW Actually Means “Very Weird” by exyjunkies

15k | Gen

If it was just going to be the two of us, then why bring the Volkswagen?

So that if I end up murdering you on this road trip, I’ll have enough space for clean-up.

Neil and Andrew take on the Pacific Coast Highway over the span of two and a half weeks, with a surprise for one of them at the very end.

10. Puzzle Pieces by Nikotheamazingspoonklepto

59k | Explicit | Series

Neil’s life is a puzzle, the people in it are the pieces that give everything meaning. Together they make a picture of happiness.

11. diet mountain dew by reaching_my_summit

2k | Teen

neil thinks andrew is very pretty. he tells andrew exactly that.

12. For Science by ClockworkDragon, DeyaAmaya

8k | Explicit

“Here’s what I propose: we’ll play a game, and I’ll even let you pick which one, but we’re going to set some stakes. I’m not going to let you talk big and walk away free of punishment if you lose.” Without hesitating, Kevin asked, “Fine, I choose Trivial Pursuit. What are the stakes?” Allison put a finger to her lips and tilted her head, as if she was actually thinking of a response and didn’t plan this whole thing days ago. “Hmm, did you know the spirit store recently added fox themed thigh-high socks to their stock? They’ve become quite popular amongst cheerleaders.” This statement seemed to throw Kevin off because he just stared blankly at Allison until she continued. Andrew was not, however, an idiot. He could see where this was going. “How about whoever loses has to wear the socks for an entire school day; including morning and evening practices?” “Holy shit,” Nicky whispered. “You are one devious bitch.” Allison winked.

13. ain’t no rest for the wicked by dearhappy

8k | Teen | Lucifer!AU

“You really expect me to believe that?“ Neil asks, "Especially when his girlfriend said that he’d always been worried about what you’d ask for in return, and that he called you the Devil.”

“I don’t lie,” Andrew says simply. “You can think whatever you want.”

“Why was he so worried if that was all it was?”

“He made a deal with the Devil,” Andrew says, “Tell me you wouldn’t be worried about that.”

14. Not Damsels, not Knights by my_unlikely_hero

93k | Mature

Neil is not a damsel, Andrew is not a knight, Riko is not a dragon. Nobody gets saved. Not really.

Or: Riko goes too far, and Neil is left in pieces.

15. The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine by gluupor

48k | Gen | Series | Brooklyn 99!AU

A series of short, ridiculous, mostly plotless stories featuring the Foxes as the cops of the Ninety-Ninth Precinct.

16. Not Only You and Me by orphan_account (part of a series)

18k | Explicit | Porn!AU

Andrew, Neil and Kevin film Foxy’s first gay threesome porn scene.

Cue the feelings.

17. High School Science by fuzzballsheltipants

30k | Teen/Explicit (parts 1-3 are Teen and part 4 is Explicit) | Series

High School!AU

18. False Equivalence by sunrise_and_death

22k | Teen

Some part of her had known it would come back to Neil. He was the one who had cracked the twins the first time. Of anyone, he was the most likely to have a solution for this as well.

Although the events of the previous year resolved a lot of issues, Katelyn quickly discovers that not every problem has been addressed. As she attempts to map a future in which Aaron has both her and his family, she finds herself once again working with Neil Josten—to unexpected results.

19. trans andrew by aceaaronminyard, autisitcandrewminyard

30k | Explicit | trans!Andrew

a fanfic series for a tfc au where andrew minyard wasn’t registered into the system as andrew doe but as erin doe.

mostly set post-tkm. mostly porn.

20. Advice and Amusement by Autumnalhogwarts

11k | Teen

After a series of failed attempts to woo Renee, Allison turns to Andrew for help. As Renee’s best guy friend he’s in a unique position to offer advice. However, that doesn’t mean he’ll be willing to.

21. Kidnapped by Shell_Writes

21k | Explicit

Neil and Aaron get kidnapped by four deranged men while the team is on a camping trip. shit happens and they have to escape this horror house. together.

22. Return of Dad!Mack by SensationalSunburst

14k | Gen | Series

Dad!Wymack & Mom!Abby

23. For He’s A Jolly Good Felon by gluupor

4k | Teen | Felon!Neil

What’s a guy to do when he’s forced to go to his conservative, homophobic aunt and uncle’s for Thanksgiving dinner?

Why, invite along his ex-con, tattooed, argumentative roommate as his fake boyfriend, of course.

24. make my heart shake (bend and break) by WaifsandStrays

4k | Explicit

Aaron develops a fascination with Kevin’s dick, has a sexuality crisis and feelings and fails to process any of it.

25. Across the Water by transandrewminyard

13k | Teen | trans!Andreil

Perhaps several years too late, or maybe right on time, Neil Josten runs away from home and tries to dream a new life for himself. How poetic that his first night out on his own would deliver him to a stranger who seems to understand everything he’s been through, and then some?

26. Prompt: Andrew and Neil get to babysit Sophie by orphan_account

14k | Mature | part of a series

What it says on the tin, basically.

Aaron and Matt leave for a few days and ask Andrew and Neil to babysit Sophie. Baby-sized exy is involved. Also lots and lots of angst. But there is a happy ending!

27. Salt Bros and Roller Derby Vixens by moonix

14k | Teen | Series

Roller Derby!AU

28. Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder by priorwalter

12k | Teen | Felon!Neil, Author!Andrew

“So,” Neil asks as he washes his paint-covered hands in the kitchen sink, “Christmas.”

Andrew glares and says nothing. This year, Neil and Andrew are spending Christmas with Andrew’s brother, Aaron Minyard. Aaron Minyard, Andrew’s twin whose existence was unknown to him until two months previous. Aaron Minyard, an orthopedic surgeon with a wife (an oncologist, naturally) and two daughters. Aaron Minyard, who grew up with a mother that chose him.

Andrew Doe has survived until age twenty-nine without any biological family, and his life turned out pretty good, considering all of the reasons it shouldn’t have. At age twenty-nine, Andrew’s book becomes a bestseller and leads his long-lost twin brother to him. Familial drama ensues.

#aftg #all for the game #tfc #the foxhole court #andreil #aftg fic rec #fic rec

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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1. It’s Thursday at noon, where are you usually? In bed, sleeping. Just like every other day.

2. Who are the last people to send you a text message? My dad and mom.

3. What brand of shampoo is in your shower right now? I use a salon shampoo for red dyed hair.

4. What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video.

5. Do you watch MTV anymore? Yeah, I like to watch Catfish (I’ll watch it whenever it’s on) and Teen Mom OG/Teen Mom 2.

6. You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? I’d check JCP. Their jeans always fit me the best and they’re good quality and inexpensive.

7. How do you feel about your hair? I just talked about this in a previous survey. I hate it right now.

8. What time do you wake up for school? I’m done with school, have been for 5 years.

9. What movie is in your DVD player? We use the PS4 to watch DVDs, but anyway there isn’t one at the moment.

10. Last two numbers in your phone number? Nah.

11. Who’s in your house? My parents, brother, doggo, and I.

12. What side of the bed do you sleep on? I sleep in the middle.

13. Do you like roller coasters? The only ones I like are Thunder Mountain Railroad and the Cars rollercoaster, both at Disneyland. I can handle those and they’re fun.

14. What magazine(s) do you look at the most? I haven’t read a magazine in several years.

15. What kind of car do you drive? I don’t.

16. What do you think about gay marriage? It’s been legal in California since 2008.

17. What do your pants look like? They’re black leggings.

18. Do you own an iPod? I still have my iPod Touch stored away, but I haven’t used it since like 2012.

19. What kind of cologne/perfume do you wear? I was wearing Into the Dark from Bath & Body Works, but I just got a new beachy one. I forget what it’s called at the moment.

20. What are your plans for Saturday? Same things as always.

21. What is the dumbest thing you have ever done with your cellphone? I dropped one in a cup of 7-Up. It just somehow fell out of my hand and landed right in my cup.

22. Does mind over matter work for you? No. My emotions control me.

23. Are you paranoid? I can be.

24. What was the last thing you were invited to? Uhhhh. It’s been a long time since I’ve been invited to anything. People stopped asking me.

25. What item should never be shared? Your toothbrush.

26. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? I’ve never seen it.

27. When was the last time you were up all night? Every night.

28. Does drinking alcohol make you act more like your true self? Uhh. It made me more comfortable and chatty. I think my true self is who I am sober, which is shy and awkward.

29. Where is your favorite place? The beach.

30. Do you ever think about marriage? Only when surveys ask and I say I don’t want it. <<<< lol same.

31. Do you sleep with a fan on? Yes. I very rarely don’t have at least one fan on. During the summer I always have 3 on.

32. What is the best thing about winter? I love the weather, the holidays, the scents, the colors, everything.

33. Have you ever been truly in love? I honestly don’t know anymore.

34. How many states have you been to where all you saw was the airport? One.

35. Are you currently planning a trip? No. Who knows when I’ll be able to do that again.

36. How many plants are in your home? Zero.

37. Have you ever googled a name and found somebody? Yeah?

38. What is your favorite possession? Finn. Seems weird to think of him as an owned object, but legally he is. <<< Same with my doggo.

39. What makes you feel like you are young again? Going to Disneyland.

40. Do you ever type “kik” instead of “lol”? It’s happened.

41. Do you know how to play chess? Nope.

42. What are you worrying about right now? Anytime I don’t feel well I get scared because I don’t know if it’s my usual sickiness/crappiness or the virus. Before all this I wouldn’t think much of it if I didn’t feel well cause that’s not unusual for me. But now I always think what if it’s covid.

43. Are you picky? With food.

44. You have one wish, what would it be? Good health, physically and mentally. 45. Where were you at 11:45 PM today? I’ll be sleeping.

46. Ever talked to someone that was high? Yeah, many times.

47. How tall is the person you like? Shorter or taller? Well, Alexander Skarsgard is 6′4.

48. Sent last message to? I last texted my dad yesterday.

49. Last person you left comment for? I don’t remember.

50. Do you have a Facebook? Yes.

51. What color is your underwear? Red.

52. Last person you were in the car with besides your family? I haven’t been in the car with anyone other than my family in years.

53. Do you own a polo? Nope.

54. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? No.

55. Are you excited for winter? I can’t wait. I wish I could just skip over summer.

56. If it was free and it would work perfectly, would you get plastic surgery? Like I say at least twice a week, only for reconstructive purposes. <<< Same.

57. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Only very lightly in a playful way.

58. Have you ever been called prince or princess? Yeah.

59. Do you go to a gym? Nope.

60. Do you like your body? Nopeee.

61. What do you hear right now? An ASMR video.

62. Who was the last person to tell you “I love you”? My mom.

63. If you had to change your eye color, would you? What would it be? Blue.

64. Last thing you wrote your name on? I had to sign something recently.

65. What do you want for Christmas? I don’t know, that’s too far away. Not sure what Christmas will be like this year.

66. Does it snow where you live? Not in my city, unfortunately.

67. Where did you get the pants you’re wearing right now? My mom got them for me.

68. When is the next time you will see your grandma? My grandma passed away 15 years ago this November. :( I’m not sure when I’ll see my nana, it’s been 2 years since I last saw her. She and my papa live out of state and they used to travel here every summer and stayed for a few months, but my papa got sick and just with them getting older they couldn’t make the trip anymore. And unfortunately, due to health reasons, I wasn’t able to make the trip my dad, aunt, uncle, and cousin took last September to see them. Now with a pandemic going on, the health issues they’re dealing with, and the health stuff I’ve been dealing with, I don’t know when we’ll get to visit again and that scares me...

69. Do you wear makeup every day? I haven’t worn makeup in almost 3 years.

70. What is it tomorrow? Just another day.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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eldritchsurveys · 5 years

Text

358.

What was the brand of your first ever cell phone? >> Kyocera. (Is that brand even still around...?) What are your 3 favorite internet sites? >> I don’t know. tumblr’s pretty cool. Do you have a favorite pair of blue jeans? Describe them. >> I only have one pair of blue jeans. They’re... just jeans, I don’t know what to describe. What profession do you respect? >> I can’t think of a profession I don’t respect for some reason or another. Have you ever been the recipient of a practical joke? >> No.

Have you ever ate something you’ve dropped on the floor, if so what? >> Probably, but it’s not something I generally do (especially nowadays). Would you consider being an Uber driver if you needed to make extra money? >> I can’t even drive, dude. How do you know when you’re in love, what’s the main sign? >> I remember when the situation with Wednesday resolved, and for like a week afterwards I would randomly remember that he existed and would feel pretty happy about it for a few minutes. And I literally was like, “omg, is this what people are talking about when they talk about being ‘in love’???” at Can Calah lmao. The moral of that story is that I have no idea what being “in love” means and I often labour under the suspicion that people are just exaggerating or something. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? >> Yeah, I’ve had everything from t-shirts to towels to a copy of Watchmen autographed (the person who autographed the copy of Watchmen was in no way related to that book, I just had no other paper products on me lmao), by various musicians. I don’t have any of those autographs anymore, because I ceased to find them valuable in any way. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? >> I prefer Target. What do you long for? >> I’m good with language but not good enough to put this into words. If you could be a personal assistant to anyone, who would it be? >> No. What is the most important thing you can do to improve yourself? >> Me, personally? Not put so much energy into “self-improvement” that I completely lose sight of what I actually want out of life and what kind of person I actually want to be. Everyone’s got a million opinions about how other people should live their lives, but frankly, none of them are living mine, so. Maybe I’m happy the way I am. Maybe self-improvement is a thing that happens organically and I don’t need to be constantly “working at it” like it’s a fucking race or something. Everything’s self-change, bitch, let’s eat some fruit. What makes it hard for you to keep your focus? >> Having a brain that sometimes finds it difficult to focus on things for various reasons. Do you think society has become too PC (politically correct)? >> I think it really doesn’t even matter anymore. Things will go the way they’ll go and I don’t need to be involved. What tragic love story do you relate to? >> I’m still looking for one. Has your intuition or “gut” served you well? >> More or less, I guess. What’s the longest you’ve ever waited in line for something and what was it? >> I don’t remember. Who is your favorite model? >> --- What have you done that is out of character for you? >> LOL nothing is out of character for me. I’m not that kind of character. Would you rather get a gift card or a gift that someone bought for you? >> Either is fine, but I’d rather someone get me a gift card than something I’m not going to have any use for. Who is the most visionary person in your life & how do they inspire you? >> What. How do you handle a betrayal? >> I don’t even know what a betrayal feels like. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? >> Nothing. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? >> --- If you owned a restaurant what kind of food do you want to serve? >> I wouldn’t want to own a restaurant. What will we find if we look in the bottom of your closet today? >> I don’t use the closet. What kind of car did you learn how to drive on? >> --- What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? >> Continued to live my life the way I do. Have you ever had to go to court or testify and if so what for? >> No. Do you believe in karma? >> No. Are you more worried about doing the things right, or doing the right thing? >> I’m honestly not all that concerned about either. Do you believe in the term “Mother knows best?” >> It doesn’t apply to me or my life experience at all, so. Who is your favorite movie action hero? >> *shrug* What is one thing you can get in your hometown you can’t get elsewhere? >> --- How important are looks in someone you’re in a relationship with? >> Important enough, I guess. I don’t think I’d have a good relationship with someone if I can’t even stand to look at them. What freedom do you feel is not really free anymore? >> *shrug* ???? What are you most thankful for? >> The internet. LOL Do you have any favorite talk shows or talk radio programs without music? >> No. What was the last book you read? >> The last book I finished is Factfulness. What’s your favorite online store? >> I don’t have one. What band would you love to tour with or be a roadie for? >> I’ve entertained the idea of being a stage tech or something like that, but that’s an extremely impractical and stressful kind of life for someone like me for several reasons. If you were to throw a message in a bottle into the ocean, it would say? >> I wouldn’t. Do you have common sense or do you think people are lacking in it? >> I don’t believe in the concept of common sense in the first place. I think people learn stuff and it becomes so practical and useful in their life that they assume that everyone else knows and applies that same knowledge, but that’s not necessarily true. What’s your favorite non-alcoholic drink? >> Jasmine green tea, apparently, considering how much of it I could drink in a day if left to my own devices. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? >> I like the idea of them, but in reality I find them too disorganised and overwhelming for my needs. What do you like to put gravy on? >> Biscuits and gravy is the only gravy-related thing I like. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? >> No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? >> When I think about how much I’ve gone through and how it could have made me worse off, but none of it did. I really do feel as though I am stronger for my trials, so that kind of rhetoric definitely applies to me. What is priceless to you? >> Nothing, I guess. What do you wait for discount sales to buy? >> Video games, oftentimes. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? >> --- What 3 songs will always be found at the top of your playlist? >> --- What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done for someone? >> I consider some of the leeway I’ve given to people in relationships to be crazy as fuck. Like, people have done and said some flagrant shit to me and I just fucking let them, lmao. And I’m not just talking about in the distant past, I mean just as recently as last fucking year. What kind of madness is that? I hope I’ve learned my lesson, at least. Do you keep a budget? >> Not a formal one, no. I don’t have many issues with keeping a vague mental record of how much money I’m spending and how much I can afford to spend. If you could cast a spell on someone what spell would you cast and on who? >> I don’t want to cast spells on people. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? >> A good sleep, I guess. What is the funniest joke you have ever heard about? >> --- Who depends on you the most? >> I guess Sparrow depends on me for certain specific things, like my memory lmao. But nothing too big. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? >> I doubt it. Has one of your biggest fears come true? >> No. Is there anything about the opposite sex you just don’t understand? >> --- Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? >> --- Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? >> No. If so, what were two things you wanted? >> --- Have you ever ridden on a subway or train an what did you like about it? >> Yep. What I like about the subway is how extensive it is, and the fact that it runs 24/7/365 (although *insert 50 salty memes about MTA service delays and interruptions here*). I miss it a lot, despite its many not-so-awesome features. What song on your playlist gets played the most? >> --- Have you ever received a harsher punishment than you deserved? >> Sure. Do you prefer sporty or academic members of the opposite sex? >> --- Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? >> Yeah, doing or feeling or experiencing something myself is the easiest and most reliable way for me to fully grok it. Has anyone in your family ever served in the military? >> --- Finish the next line in your style: Roses are red, violets are blue… >> --- What embarrasses you instantly? >> --- Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? >> No, because 1) I really don’t want to be one, so jot that down, Do you often read your horoscope? >> No. What current event are you tired of hearing about? >> Literally all of them, to be honest. Not necessarily because people are being obnoxious about them or anything, but just because I don’t care nearly as much as the average person does. Are you a daredevil? >> No. What common pitfalls do you find yourself dealing with in your work life? >> --- Describe your “poker face”. >> Er. What do you think should be censored? >> Personally, I don’t want anything in my purview censored. But I don’t speak for all of society, and I don’t believe I should, either. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? >> I wouldn’t know even if I was. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? >> Maybe, but I’d rather just never be faced with that decision. How do you encourage yourself when you go through hard times? >> I remind myself that they’re temporary and I do shit that I enjoy. Have you ever fired a gun? >> No. Do you think people, including yourself live up to their full potential? >> I don’t believe in this “full potential” nonsense. It usually sounds like code for “how I believe a person should be”, and if that’s what you mean, then at least have the stones to say it. How are you different from most people? >> I’m not different from “most people”. That feeling is just the human brain being a human brain and forgetting how mind-numbingly common most experiences are once you widen your perspective. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? >> The ability to admit to one’s mistakes and learn from them. Because you’re going to make them. A lot of them. Doesn’t matter who you are or how many books or mommy blogs you read or how many other children you’ve had or what you think you know, you’re going to make. a lot. of mistakes. And if you can’t get used to that and do your best to learn from them without punishing yourself or placing blame or getting obsessed, then you’re going to do a lot more damage than good. What creature do you admire for its ability to adapt? >> Humans. How do you feel about GMOs? >> I think the whole process is interesting, and I think there are clear benefits to genetic modification, and I think there are clear detriments to genetic modification, and that’s just how it goes. Have you ever stayed up for an entire 24 hours, why? >> Yeah. Because I was on stimulants. Who is a female role model in your life? >> --- What childhood dreams have you neglected? >> --- How often do you reevaluate your life? >> Eh, not often. It doesn’t require a whole lot of scrutiny, to be honest. What’s your favorite place just to hang out? >> My room, lol. What gives you a zest for life? >> Lemons. *rimshot* What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? >> Hmm. I don’t know, man, I think I’m pretty good at visualisation. What three things do you think of most of each day? >> I don’t know. Would you travel to space if possible? >> I sure would love to... Name a famous person you wouldn’t mind for a business partner. >> No.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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vaixation · 5 years

Text

Why I've been gone for two weeks – Please note that this post is going to contain some serious content. However, this is a really important personal update from me.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: - Animal death - Suicide ideation - Depression/anxiety/dissociation - (Brief mention of abuse/trauma/C-PTSD)

Post under the Read More. - - -

I'm sure there's a lot of people who didn't even notice I haven't been online anywhere for the past two weeks considering I'm a pretty quiet individual and often keep to myself / disappear off the social radar for months at a time. However, there's a pretty specific reason this time why I haven't been around, and it's important to discuss.

At the time I am writing this, it is currently Friday, May 3, 2019. I'm writing this ahead of time because... I cannot sleep and I need to get some of these thoughts off my mind. This week has been the worst week of my entire life, without exaggeration. I'll start from the beginning.

For those that don't know, a tornado came through my area on April 19th. I would like to state right off the bat that I am fine - it missed my house, but only just barely. We can literally see the path / damage of the tornado from our house. Apparently it actually formed RIGHT THERE - the people who live just like three houses up the road from ours said they actually saw the tornado's funnel come down out of the sky. It's wild to think a tornado could come to life that close to our house. We were very fortunate to be okay.

I can't necessarily say the same for others, however. I don't know if anyone got hurt, but I did hear that one person's house was completely flattened. (Apparently there was actually someone inside, but she went down into the basement and was okay. Also concerning her welfare and loss of property - I heard there was a fundraiser that was helping their family out, and they apparently were on the TV at some point too about it all? That's just what I've heard through the grapevine - it's all second hand information so I don't know how much is accurate and I've no way to double-check right now.) (EDIT: I have double-checked for our area now that I have internet again and I can confirm no-one in our area was actually hurt. All the damage is to buildings and property, thankfully.) There's entire areas of trees that have just been wiped out. And I know there was a bus that literally got thrown up by the wind and is now just sticking out of the ground. Last time I saw it, they still haven't fixed that.

Point being, we lost power for a whole day. They managed to fix the power pretty quickly considering the damage, but the internet? At the time of writing this... I still don't have internet. And that's the primary reason I haven't been around. But it gets so much worse from here on out. For me at least.

So, my week was already really stressful for this reason (not to mention MY JOB requires the internet and I have NOT been able to do any of my work; my bosses know my situation but it's still very stressful.) We called our ISP multiple times trying to get it to work - they've sent out two technicians so far and narrowed it down to the modem router. It wasn't hooked up to a surge protector, and the power going out the way it did seems to have zapped the modem router and it no longer works. So we decided to buy a new one, and I swear we went to at least ten to fifteen different stores looking for a new modem router.

The problem is, all the new modem routers in stock are coaxial cable modem routers. Our ISP is only a VDSL / ADSL modem router (requiring a phone line), and we went through several stores looking for a DSL to coax adapter with no such luck. Apparently, an adapter / converter like that doesn't even exist. The closest thing we could find was an ethernet to coax cable, but that's not what we need obviously. Through some other connections we managed to finally just order a DSL modem router via Ebay; it's supposed to get here on Monday of this week, so... we'll see if it does by then, I guess.

(EDIT: It arrived sooner than expected. We’ve been able to get it up and running, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to post this, obviously.)

But, well. That's not really why this has been the worst week of my life. I mean, it doesn't help, but... I can live without the internet for a week or two, you know? I've gone years without it. Whatever.

The thing is...

My cat died.

And this wasn't just some random cat, okay. His name was Chip - or rather, Slavashado. (It's pronounced "sluh-VAAH-shuh-doe") You see, I modeled his name after T. S. Eliot's poem "The Naming of Cats." Within this poem, it states that a cat must have three names. One is a common, everyday, ordinary name. Chip. One is unique to him. Slavashado. And one, only he himself knows. And he took it to his grave.

Chip's been with me basically almost my entire life. He was 21 years old. I'm 26 right now; I'll be 27 in June. So he's literally been in my life since I was 6 years old. He's always been there for me. Always.

So I cannot possibly put into words how heartbroken I am that he's gone.

I love him with all my heart. And I always will. But he's gone now.

I can't even remotely describe how empty I feel. How utterly alone I am. There's a void in my soul that's so deep it feels like it's going to erode me from the inside out.

You know, I've never lost anyone close to me before. It's not that I'm a stranger to death... far from it. I'll get into that later. But... this is the first time I've ever truly lost someone I really, really, truly cared about. I've always thought grief would be a linear thing. I've seen the Kübler-Ross model of grief more times than I can count. "DABDA" for short - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

It's not linear. Not for me. I feel all of these things at the same time somehow. It's not like I felt denial first, then moved onto the angry stage. No. I just feel all of them at the same time. And I'm so overwhelmed. And I'll go from one end of this spectrum to the other end and back again. It's far from linear.

The sad thing is, I feel my grip on this world unraveling each day. My world already ended with Chip... He meant everything to me. I love him more than anything else in this whole world. So... I've admittedly been having some very bad, depressive, suicidal thoughts. I'm not actively going to do something to myself, don't worry. But... I've been thinking lately, you know what? If a car runs over me, I don't care. What if the storms knock a tree over on my house and it flattens me? So what. What if I'm in a car wreck and die? I just... feel so apathetic.

It's like that song. "If the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too."

But... I can't join him. Not yet. I still have to live a full life, you know? I can't come to you yet, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I want to, but I can't. Not yet. I have to live a life that would make you proud of me, love.

Maybe we'll meet again in another life. Cats have nine lives after all...

But I've also just felt like I've started to really disconnect from reality, too. The other day someone said something - innocent, really - but the angry part of myself wanted to lash out and destroy and hurt. And the scariest thing was, I almost didn't care. Grief's not an excuse to lose your compassion, but I fear that I'm really losing it. It's hard to feel like anything's real, and somehow everything's all too real at the same time.

His health just... declined so rapidly in the last month. He went from being okay and active and about, to suddenly he can't jump anymore. Suddenly he's very lethargic and having a multitude of issues; he wouldn't be able to stand up without falling over. It got to the point where he wouldn't move around much anymore. I had to take care of him on a daily basis; almost 24/7 I'd watch him to make sure he was okay and wasn't having a hard time pooping/peeing and would wash him because he no longer had the strength to take care of himself or move anywhere or do much of anything.

I had to make a certain mixture of foods the vet prescribed to keep his nutrition levels up and to make it so he wouldn't be constipated, and had to monitor that he was eating / drinking enough. Eventually he stopped eating his food, so I ended up mixing it all in water and making it a liquid paste that he could drink instead, which he would gladly do. There were some glands on his throat that were swollen, so I think it was making it hard for him to eat even with the special food we had.

So... it both was and wasn't sudden. On one hand, it happened so fast? His health just plummeted and spiraled downhill within a few weeks. But on the other hand... he was just doing so badly. We took him to the vets multiple times and, there's really only so much that can be done. He was really old, you know? 21 is a long time for a cat to live. It's longer than most cats. I know he lived a long, good life, knowing he was well loved and cared for. And I truly did everything I could for him. I know I can't blame myself for anything, even though I tried to. I did my best, you know? But nothing lasts forever. All things one day die. It's the law of nature. And I'm no stranger to death. I know all too well this reality.

This isn't something I talk about a lot, but one of my parents was really abusive. She was really abusive to animals too. I've seen death. And horrible, traumatizing things too appalling to get into here. I've known from an early age that all things die. It's one reason I'm not... surprised. In a way, I accept that. I understand. I know.

It's why I'm a little obsessed with "morbid" themes, as others have put it. Death. Bones. Rot. Decay. (Plague flight on Flight Rising, anyone?) None of that is new to me. Finding an intrigue in it is a way of coping with it. Did you know that kids who deal with C-PTSD often recreate their trauma through play? Or fixate / obsess on the trauma somehow? That's why I literally relate so heavily to Henry from Fire Emblem: Awakening. He's the same way. He's seen animal death and cruelty. But he's also un-phased by blood and guts and everything. (He denies his trauma, but denial and even amnesia can be a big, big part of trauma. And the way he talks about his past almost sounds like he's dissociated from those feelings. I relate a lot to that too... I honestly find Henry to be very therapeutic to exploring my own feelings at times.) This is the reason I find horror and creepy content fascinating. And more often than not, it's hard to scare me. Fiction is so much less scary than the real thing.

My point is, I'm very aware of death. I'm aware of that finality. I'm aware of its permanence. Nothing I can do will ever bring my cat back. He's gone. So in a way, I accept that. And in a way, I also can't accept that answer. I miss him. I want him here with me.

In a way I'm kind of thankful that our internet wasn't working. It allowed me to attend to him in his last days without any other distractions. I spent so much time with him. And that gives me so small amount of peace, knowing that.

And I think he knew, the day he died. It was April 28th, somewhere in between 9-10 PM. I can't believe it's only been five days. It feels like an eternity without him here. But, that day, he was suddenly a lot more active than he'd been in months. He was up and walking around and came over to me and crawled up behind where I was sitting and snuggled and cuddled with me. I take comfort in the fact we shared a beautiful moment that day. Just sitting there, petting him, breathing in his wonderful scent and burying my face into his soft, warm fur. The deep purring, the soothing vibrations of his noise. I wish that moment could last a lifetime. I'm so thankful for the time I had with him though. It both feels like it was the right time - that it was meant to be - and at the same time I feel like he's left me far too soon. I miss him. I miss him so, so very much.

At least I got to hold him when he passed. I stroked his fur and cried as the last of his spasms died down. I've always feared I would find him one day and he just wouldn't wake up, so seeing him actually pass... it was scary. But it was good for me too. It brings me some small amount of closure that I could be with him in his final moments. He didn't have to die alone. For that I'm so thankful.

You deserve the best of everything, love. You were my faithful friend and companion for basically my whole life. I'll never, ever forget you.

Where are you now? Are you with the stars? Are you in my dreams? Where-ever you are, I hope you're safe. And happy. And at peace. Because I love you so, so much. And I always will. Now until the end of time, when death claims me too one day.

You know, at the start of the year, on New Year's, somehow... I knew. Somehow I knew this was going to be the year. I don't know why I did, but I just... felt it. And I promised myself, no matter what happens, I am going to make this a good year. And I will. But right now, I'm hurting. I'm hurting really bad.

Nothing lasts forever.

Not even pain. I'll be okay. But right now, I'm not.

"Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever... Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time... That is up to you." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

We buried him amongst some of the trees growing back behind our house. I buried him with some things - that heart pendant I used to slip into my photographs to mark them as "mine," for instance. It was a really important necklace to me. So I thought it was only appropriate that he have it. My heart belongs to him, after all. I buried him with a book that was also really sentimental to me. It's called Consider Love. The last line in the book was "Consider my love for incredible you." I signed it to Chip (Slavashado), from me (my name). I love you, sweetheart. I love you so, so much. Do you know that? I'm sure you did.

And I sang him a song, one last time. I don't know how many of you know this, but... when I was a child, my parents used to sing me a song. It became really sentimental to me because of this - memories of childhood days long past, so I sang it to him too. I modified some of the lyrics though.

"You are my sunshine, My only sunshine, You make me happy When skies are gray... You never know, dear, How much I love you... Please don't take My sunshine away.

The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you In my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, So I hung My head and cried.

You told me once, dear, You truly loved me. And nothing else could Come between. But now you've left me, To fly to heaven, You're amongst The stars and dreams."

I wrote him a letter, drew him a little picture, and wrote down those lyrics for him too. He'll always have it with him. We put him on his bed and put all of that in a box and put that into the ground. We're planning on planting some flowers out there.

Digging a hole is so much harder than I thought it'd be. There's so many rocks and roots and the chunks of dirt can be hard to lift out of the ground. To be honest I wasn't much help though. I basically just cried the entire time. I didn't even know my face could make that shape. I've never seen my own face in such agony before, but looking in the mirror I wouldn't even recognize myself for the sorrow in my features. It's just so foreign. Alien. It's weird to me.

In a way, actually physically burying him gave me closure. In a way it just made it so much worse. I feel all sides of this grief spectrum at the same time. Acceptance. Denial. Those two things are one and the same now.

It's okay to grieve. It's normal. It's natural. But it just hurts so much.

No amount of reading about grief can really... prepare you for it.

I've cried and cried until my head hurts and my face does too. Every time I open the door to my room, it hits me all over again. There's no one here. There's no one waiting for me at home, no small face peeking at me from the top of the stairs. It's so empty here. It's so lonely. It's so unfathomably quiet. And it's just too much.

I've even gone out to visit his grave, came back inside the house, opened the room to my door, and realized - he's not here. And I was literally just at his grave. It's all the small things, you know? I miss him in so many ways, little things I've gotten used to that tell me of his existence, but that presence - it's gone. And when I'm here in this room, it's so crushingly obvious. His aura no longer flows from his position. Where he should be, there's just nothing. He's not here anymore. He never will be here again. I know that. I do. I know he's gone. But it's just... it's so weird.

He's here one day, and gone the next.

"The years now before us, Fearful and unknown. I never imagined I'd face them on my own. May these thousand winters, Swiftly pass I pray. I love you - I miss you - All these miles away..." - Lullaby for a Princess

I thought I'd have more time. I looked at the can of food I had planned to feed him the next day (and I was really excited for him to try this flavor, too) and just lost it. There's not a tomorrow. He's gone.

I found a trace of his fur on a piece of furniture, and I just started crying all over again.

I leafed through some of the few pictures I've taken of him over the years - far, far too few. And I wanted so badly to reach through the screen onto the other side, where he is. Because he's not here anymore. It's just so hard.

I want him to come back to me.

And at the same time, I don't.

It was meant to be. There's no undoing what's done. He's gone. I know that. But it doesn't change my feelings. I miss him. I love him. And I hurt. I need him. What am I going to do without you, love? You were my constant. You were always there for me, every time I've wanted to end my life. Every time I've wanted to give up. You were there. I need you. I need you so much. You've left me too soon. But I wouldn't undo a single moment. I'll cherish each one of them.

"But time is not eternal. Please make the most of your time." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

The fact that it's not eternal is what makes life so precious. Time is what gives each and every moment and second of our lives meaning, because that's time you'll never get back.

It's time like this that I'm also thankful for all the storylines I've grown attached to. Somehow, they're really cathartic to me. And they've all taught me things that have made this easier to deal with than if I didn't have them.

Super Danganronpa 2 with its message that, to give up on life is a blasphemy unto life itself. Don't give up, or you're spitting on the beauty that life is. Even if it's hard. That's all part of what makes life beautiful and worth living.

Or Undertale. That if you could control time, rewind, redo, it'd lose all meaning. Life would be static. Unmoving. And you'd get bored. Very, very bored. You'd lose what makes you... well... you. You lose yourself.

Pandora Hearts, that undoing what's happened - even tragic - would lose the meaning of what's happening. Turning back time doesn't fix things. It destroys what you had. Be thankful for the time you have, however short. Because that's what gives each moment so much meaning.

Majora's Mask, because it teaches me that loss and grief are all a part of life. And you have to learn to move on, and let go. All things come to an end. And that's okay. When one door closes, another opens. Life moves on.

There's... well. A reason why those four storylines are my top favorite storylines. They're therapeutic to me. They help me cope with life in general, and everything I've gone through.

The day before he died, we went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. The fortune cookie literally told me, "Opportunity is knocking on your door - answer it tomorrow."

"May be a reason why all the doors are closed So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road" - Katy Perry, "Firework"

You know that song, "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day? If I'm not mistaken, it was written after the passing of the singer's dad. And the sentiment is something I relate to. Wake me up a few months from now. I just don't want to be here right now. I'm so tired, and so very sad. There's a sorrow deep inside my soul too heavy to bear right now. I just want to sleep. I want it to be over. I don't want to deal with all of this right now. It's so much, and I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know if this factors into denial, but I've been trying to get out of the house more. Staying here just reminds me of what I've lost. I've been taking walks outside. Just anything to get my mind off of Chip. All the scents and sounds. The life that's buzzing around right now - the seasons are beginning to change into summer, and there's so many insects and birds about. Life continues on.

Somehow it's comforting to me. And somehow it's not. The more time I spend out of the house, the more I can't tell what's real anymore. The real world feels like a dream. Fake somehow. And my house just feels like a nightmare. I dread going to sleep every night. What nights haven't been restless have been filled with fear. What if I have a nightmare? What if I have a dream where he's alive? It will just break my heart all over again to wake up in the morning and realize he's not. It hits me every morning even without that, when I wake up. The sadness returns tenfold each day. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Hope seems like a concept far away.

"I'll see you laugh, I'll see you smile, I'll be with you... Just for a while.

But when the morning comes, And the sun begins to rise...

I will lose you.

Because it's just a dream, When I open up my eyes, I will...

Lose you...

I used to believe in forever. But forever's too good to be true. I've hung a wish On every star It hasn't done much good so far.

I can only dream of you, Wherever you are..." - "Wherever You Are", Winnie the Pooh

I know things are going to be okay. But today is not the day.

What's kept me going is busying myself with as much as I can. Thoughts of what I'm going to do each day. I'm taking it one hour at a time at this point. It's all I can do. Just keep going. Just a little farther. The moment I stop to unwind and take a break is when I start to unravel and remember. My thoughts always drift back to the same place somehow. He's gone. What am I supposed to do now?

Perhaps this won't make any sense. And quite honestly I don't care if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, but. Somehow... I felt like Chip has given me one last hope. He left me with something, a feeling. The day after he died, I just... I felt something. Like he was telling me that things were going to be okay, and directed my thoughts to what I should do, now that he's gone.

I want a new kitten.

I'm not replacing Chip. I can never replace him. He's one of a kind, and always will be. But when one door closes, another one opens. I need something to hold. I need something tangible, that's real, to touch, and hug, and cradle, and care for. I need something that needs ME to anchor me to this world, and give me a reason to stay. I need something that can break me out of this cycle of dissociation and ground me. And caring for another life is therapeutic. It makes me feel needed. Like I have a purpose.

Everyone needs to be loved, and to give love.

You know what's wild? The other members of my household unanimously came to the same decision without me even discussing it with them. Somehow, it feels right. I get this weird feeling Chip actually... sort of pushed our thoughts towards this. I don't know why I think that? By all logic that wouldn't be possible but then again, I truly don't think Chip was an ordinary cat at this point. He was so much more.

Do you ever have a dream, and in that dream you just know something? Without knowing why? But you know it for a fact, in that weird dream-sense? For me, that's what it's like. I just know. Even if no-one else believes me on this, I just know.

I'm not great with people. But I love cats. I've always been really good at reading their body language. And I admittedly do like kids. Whenever I go to my family reunions, I always hang out with the kids, not the adults. Their energy is so fun and invigorating. There's so much life in kids, and it makes me just a little happier to spend time with them, even if I hardcore lack social skills. I might not be great around kids, but I really try. I think my cousin’s children like to spend time with me. Their mother keeps telling me so, at least.

Point is, I love that energy. I know a kitten is going to just be energy incarnate. But I think that's what I need in my life. Something to protect and love and spoil. Something to pour all of my affection and effort into. I often feel really restless. Like the life I'm living right now isn't enough. And I'm sure a kitten would more than keep me on my toes and keep me busy. I expect many sleepless nights. I expect to be woken up like 6-7 times per night, even. But you know what? That's okay. I don't mind at all.

I got to play with some of the cats that my relatives have last time I was there and it just reminded me... how long it's been since I've played with a cat like that. My cat was too old to want to play (and I didn't want to cause him issues, he had a heart murmur and so I also didn't want to get him too excited in his old age because oh dear), so I've missed being able to manipulate toys into being a cat's "prey" and lazer pointers and have cats go nuts after it. I've really missed that. So having a kitten that loves to play? Sign me the heck up.

There's a lot of things I wanted to do with my cat, but he was just too old.

You see, I was only 6 when I got my cat. So I was a kid. And I didn't really get to like... spend money on spoiling my cat because at that age it's not like I had money? Once I turned around 20 or so I started really wanting to buy things for my cat, and show him how much I loved him by getting him nice things and toys and a cat tree and all sorts of other things. But he didn't really... like most of what I got him. And it really made me feel frustrated and sad and disappointed because I really wanted to show him how much he meant to me. But at the same time I was afraid of getting him anything because he wouldn't use most of what I'd spent my precious money on. Money doesn't grow on trees.

I understand, he was old by the time I actually had money to do things for him with. But that's all the more reason why a kitten really excites me. That dang lazer pointer I bought? I bet a kitten would love that! (I mean dang I even... bought one that has a USB stick on the end so you can recharge it because I really wanted it to last. Chip was super apathetic to the lazer pointer for the most part.) I wonder if a kitten would like that catnip treat I bought from Jackson Galaxy's shop? (In case you don't know who Jackson Galaxy is, he's a cat behaviorist and honestly knows so much about cats and their behaviors and he very clearly has a passion and great love for feline friends.)

Also that fun little cat tunnel I got my cat. He hated it. I thought he'd really like it because he liked small spaces (I used to have little boxes set up for him because of this) and also he really liked sitting on crinkly / noise-making things like plastic bags and the inside of this tunnel was super crinkly sounding. So I thought it'd be perfect. But he hecking hated that cat tunnel to the point where I almost threw it away because he would avoid it with a passion.

But I bet a kitten would love it. And that cat tree I bought! And I'm gonna get a nice squishy soft bed for him too when I get him since we buried Chip with his bed. And just. Something colorful! And lots of little toys and things! My head fills with so many ideas and plans and things I've got to prepare for for the arrival of a new kitten. I don't have one yet, but I'll get one soon.

It's the only thing right now that fills my heart with hope, and love. I want to take a new life in with me, and care for this new life to the best of my ability, and love him with all my heart. I'm gonna spoil him in toys and fun things and shower him with as much time and affection as I can. I need this. I need something to love and hold and care for. I have some really strong protective instincts, so nurturing something else - it's really therapeutic to me on so many levels.

We're going to get another black cat, just like Chip. I'm not superstitious really, but. You know what I personally think? That black cats bring you GOOD luck instead of bad luck. You're blessed by their presence when they're in your life. It's when they LEAVE you that the bad luck comes rolling in. That's why crossing a black cat's path supposedly causes you bad luck. Because now they're gone.

Plus, cats actually purr at a frequency that's been proven to heal bones and soothe. That's why cats make a really good companion for people dealing with depression, to be honest. And heck knows I have a broken heart that needs mending.

"Everything's gonna be alright, Everything's gonna be okay. It's gonna be a good, good life." - Bebe Rexha, "I'm A Mess"

#crepuscular #personal #this is a long post #but it's important

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my-wayward-son · 5 years

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2 months on T-------------------> 7 months on T

I’m late with this post. Again. Because I’m doing really shitty. Again.

First, let me address the obvious: yes, I’ve lost weight. (Well, if you wanna get technical, I weigh the exact same thing as when I started, which I probably shouldn’t). But beyond that, I don’t want to talk about it. That change is probably 25% due to testosterone and the tendency it has to aid in the development of lean muscle, and 75% due to other factors.

All the previous changes I’ve noted in these posts are still happening/happening more, such as still more body hair growing/thickening. There’s really nothing new to report, except that I pass better when I have on glasses and teenage boy clothes (as opposed to professional clothes), but still get a lot of gender neutral and she/her designations mixed in with the he/hims.

I had a dream last night about correcting my dad (his typical naming convention for me is Laura, I mean, Laur, she, I mean, Laur...) . So he’s trying when he’s in front of me, but it’s obvious he isn’t trying when he’s talking to my mom without me present. I’m torn between being upset about it and letting it go. My dad was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult and he struggles with shifting his perspective. This is something else I don’t want to talk about, but just know that my far-from-NT-yet-decidedly-allistic ass has a hard time reconciling it.

But anyhow, the transition is going great, and I have no reason to be upset about anything, but I’m upset about everything, and the rest is going under the cut because it’s going to be full of triggers (suicide and ED stuff).

For my whole life I never understood why anyone would want one of those dolls that you can customize to look exactly like you. My thought was always, ‘what’s so special about me? I kind of suck.’ I thought so little of myself and my live, even as a little kid, that I would rather pick the princess or the American Girl or whatever with the most interesting story and change myself to match. Like I’d beg my mom for an outfit the same color as the character’s, or wear sunglasses with the lenses popped out, or only style my hair the same way as the character in order to adapt into that character.

Of course all those phases were just that, phases. They were highly tied to the media I consumed, and as I aged, that media changed. So I was always editing myself to match my current obsession. I never gave thought to what I was actually like, deep inside. Like it didn’t matter what my actual personality was. I hardly even thought about it until the end of high school, and then a series of traumas knocked me down a few pegs, and that sense of self didn’t come back to the surface until mid 2017.

In mid 2017, I went to a 2-week dance convention. At that time I was living as female, had basically given up on the idea of transitioning, and was just trying to push through as a painfully shy 24-year-old who worked full time and danced part time with a local ballet company. At the convention, I studied various styles of dance, realized I was extremely untrained in every field but ballet, and spent the entire thing on the verge of tears because I was with students over 10 years my junior in most of the classes. It was an “all ages” program, but literally all the other adults were in professional level classes for all styles. I was only in the professional level class for ballet. I couldn’t wait for the convention to end. I hated every second of it. I had a chronic foot injury that made dancing painful (but not dangerous), but I’d always pushed through it because I loved it. Now I could barely stand to go to class, even back with my regular company. So I made arrangements to retire.

I retired from professional dance in May 2018 and had foot surgery in June 2018. I could dance again, if I wanted to, but I’m not ready yet. Eventually I might go back as a recreational adult dancer, just taking class from time to time. But I don’t know.

I still love ballet, but as of a year ago, ballet was the one thing hanging over me that I hated. I hated the obligation; I hated the way it tore up my body; I hated the way it made me exhausted and ate up all my spare time. However, I was damn productive. I wrote so many fics and drew so many pictures, and I went to therapy at least every other week, and sometimes to PT. I was at the studio approximately 20 hours a week, on top of working 40 hours a week. But I guess I was so busy and tied to my obligations that I quite literally couldn’t fall apart.

My uncle died (suicide, marking the 4th attempt and 2nd success in my family) and my granddad died (heart condition), so I had good reason to fall apart. I was freaked out and sad for a while, but I was also fine. I was a robot. When I look back, I realize that the last time I was happy was prior to the 4th of July 2017. I call that the “Wonder Woman Moment.” I did a photo shoot for a ballet personal training/nutrition service that dressed me up in WW-esque dancewear. We blasted Patty Smythe and had a ball. Even though it was a really feminine thing, it was so much fun, and I had no worries. It was July 1st 2017. Before my uncle died, and before my granddad died and before I went to the dance convention. That’s my last happy memory.

After unpacking some acute issues with grief and anxiety, my therapist started talking to me about my issues with gender ID. By November 2017 I was thinking about transitioning (I had thought about it before, but never felt it was feasible). By December, I’d decided it felt right. I sought out a doctor in January 2018 and had my first appointment in February. I told my mom on Superbowl Sunday. Then a month later at my Oscar party, she basically washed her hands of me.

I love film crit and the Academy Awards almost as much as I love fanfiction and ballet and coffee and all the other good things. I’ve been on the edge of my seat waiting for the 2019 noms to drop. I know a few of them just from the grapevine, but I haven’t looked them up yet. I’m still working from my early prediction spreadsheet, even though the actual noms are just a few clicks away. I’m scared of the feelings that’s going to bring up.

One year ago, all I could think about was getting through the next 6 months and reaching a series of milestones: my company’s production of Alice in Wonderland. Moving to a new apartment. My company’s production of Water for Chocolate (an original contemporary ballet choreographed on me and 14 other dancers). Starting testosterone. Retiring from ballet. Foot surgery. I thought my life would be so much better.

And in a way, it is. I have the confidence to do random shit, like walk into Autozone and talk to the workers about what is wrong with my car, then help them fix it. A year ago, I would have panic attacks over things like that. But a year ago, my mom loved me. A year ago, I thought I’d have my current job forever. A year ago, I thought once I got on T, my eating disorder behaviors would go away.

I’ve gained personal confidence, but lost so much else. Lost my family. Gained a new one, but still, I lost my relationship with my biological mother and father. Lost my job satisfaction, which makes me worry that at some point I will have to interview for a new job and integrate with a new company, which is frightening in the extreme. T has changed my body shape in the way I like, but it’s not magic. I’m still afraid of eating, and stress doesn’t help. I’ve also had health complications that add pressure and make me feel run down. Some is my own damn fault (Hi, I’m Laur and I abuse OTC medications like a rebellious teenager, which is apparently not advisable when also on several prescriptions). Some is a fluke. But feeling like shit while also mentally feeling like shit has destroyed me. I hate my life. I hate everything. I don’t see the value in anything.

I know there’s a Spider-Man: Far from Home trailer out there. I haven’t seen it. I don’t know what to expect. I want to see it. But I also don’t want time to move forward. I like the MCU as it is (I like it pre-Infinity War, actually, but nobody asked me, so I won’t belabor you with my opinion).

And that’s a good metaphor for my life right now. It’s a mess. I can’t picture anything far in the future, so the light from my proverbial headlights is dim and dull. I’m afraid of moving forward, so my tires are spinning in place, kicking up mud and dust. I’m incapable of shifting side to side, so when I do roll ahead a few inches, I hit every obstacle in the path. If I just changed the lightbulbs, twiddled the steering wheel, took a breath and let myself move, I’d probably be fine. But somehow that seems like the most impossible choice.

I could slam the car into one of the cave walls, triggering a rockslide and killing myself. If I did that, I know it would hurt a lot of people in my life, but it would also fulfill all of my hopes and dreams. Peace. Calmness. Stillness. Not having to deal with a world that insists on moving forward with the passage of time.

The most compelling reason is that I can’t find a reason not to. I wish I was an undergraduate student again, because I want to get a degree in philosophy. I don’t know why living is so highly valued. I can’t figure out what makes this “will to live” the correct way of thinking and the desire to die the wrong way of thinking. Right and wrong are subjective. They don’t exist, really. There is not value behind things and thoughts and actions. They just are. What’s to say that a lack of serotonin or whatever in a depressed brain is really not normal? The non-depressed brain may have an excess. Normal is relative. Averages don’t mean correct. Just because most people in the class chose answer B doesn’t mean that it is the right answer to the question. Just because most Americans are a little overweight doesn’t mean that that’s the healthiest body type.

Sometimes I really want to try to get well and forge ahead and get my life together. Sometimes I want to say fuck it and take all the pills in the house and lay down and drift away. I can’t decide which is better because neither is better, they both are just choices. I can’t use other people’s reasoning to back up either one, for they are slanted for reasons I cannot understand. They have a bias toward life. I have to choose what I really want most, and I just don’t know. I truly don’t. My wants and desires-the deep ones in the core of my being- have been so long ignored, given up for what a character would do, or what my mom would do, that as an adult, I hardly know how to access the decision-making skills that most children have already mastered. I’m a fucking goldfish; when I’m upset, I’m only upset, and I’ve always been upset. When I’m happy, I’m only happy and I’ve always been happy. I don’t know how to take a step back and see both at the same time. I can’t hold contradictory truths at once. I’m not wise. I’m set up to fail because there are cracks in my foundation.

As long as I continue to not decide, I don’t take action. I’m stuck in a holding pattern of “I don’t know,” and “what’s going to get me through the next 5 minutes,” and “just fuck it all, it doesn’t matter.”

I’ve never, ever, in my life imagined myself as an elderly person. I’ve thought of myself as a middle-aged adult, but never past 40 or so. Sometimes I see myself as a woman, sometimes as a man, sometimes an NB person. But that’s not what matters. I don’t see myself living to old age. Mortality is comfort. The fact that this life doesn’t go on forever is one thing that honestly makes it seem ok to keep living. But by definition, it also makes it seem like a good choice to die when things go wrong. Because I will in the end.

I see my life as a project, and I’ve always had this dilemma with projects: if I make a mistake, what point is too ruined to salvage? What factors make it more worthwhile to backtrack and fix the mistakes vs. just throwing it away. Fixing the mistakes shoes dedication and perseverance, but it’s frustrating. Hot. Angry. Uncomfortable. Embarrassing to show youthful ineptitude to the world. Throwing it away is quick. Easy. Zen. Brings immediate cool relief with grace and style. But it’s selfish. So fucking selfish.

If you’ve read this far, please proceed to pour water into your ears and shake vigorously. This was not meant to be imprinted on your brain. This is for me to sort out my thoughts, which are, and shall always be, unable to be ordered.

#laur talks #trans #suicide tw #mental health tw #philosophy #death tw #family issues #eating disorders tw #ed tw #maybe do not read below the cut

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thegallinisystem · 6 years

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65 Questions You Aren't Used To

One of my followers (*cough cough @almostasgayasstartrek ) challenged me to answer all of these questions, so buckle up.

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

Sometimes. Usually only when I’m having a dissociative issue.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

It depends on if I’ve recently watched a horror play through or not.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

There are many. Pretty much anyone in politics.

4. What is your favorite word?

Anything that’s easily rhymable.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

Red maple, because the leaves are vibrant and I have sweetness inside

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

I don’t really look in the mirror unless I have to.

7. What shirt are you wearing?

A blue shirt that has Chewbacca on it and says “Wookie of the Year”. Which is funny, because I don’t actually like Star Wars very much. But the shirt is comfy!

8. What do you label yourself as?

Transgender, non-binary, queer, Ravenclaw, INFJ, compassionate, empath, neurodivergent

9. Bright room or dark room?

Not too bright, but I prefer a lit room.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Believe it or not, sleeping. I know it’s hard to believe, especially for me.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

I would have to say 24. It was a good year.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

My spouse.

13. Your worst enemy?

Probably myself. I tend to sabotage myself a lot.

14. What is your current desktop picture?

(insert desktop photo here)

15. Do you like someone?

Yes actually. Sometimes it hurts being polyromantic, because even though I’m currently in a relationship, we’ve all talked about having romantic relationships with others. So there’s this person I like who I met a couple months ago, but I know they’re not ready or interested in a relationship and I don’t know if they ever will be. Man, it’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with unrequited love.

16. The last song you listened to?

https://soundcloud.com/tophouserecordings/bass-farmers-unsettling-ft-nathan-brumley-original-mix

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

My father. Because then he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone and hopefully he’s got life insurance, which would help the rest of my family.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Mostly all of the politicians in power right now, save a couple of senators who aren’t incredibly evil.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

Jeff Bezos. Firstly, he’d transfer me and each of my friends $1 million. Then, he’d sign a legally binding contract changing how things work at Amazon so that employees actually get what they deserve. Then, he would pay to end world hunger and create housing for the homeless. He’d also pay for all of the people who are trying to transition to get the surgeries they need. I would find a way to do all of this in a legally binding way so that he couldn’t come back and try to sue once the day is over.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

It’s not great at the moment, but I take a lot of pride in my hair.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

There is a flaw with this question in that it assumes there are only two genders or sexes, and therefore there can be an opposite. The spectrum is wide and diverse biologically and narrowing it down to simply what genetalia you have on the outside is a disservice to that diversity.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

I have the ability to bring a crowd wherever I go. People call me a trendsetter, but it’s happened so many times that it’s uncanny.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Having the people around me turn out to be like the abusive people in my past. It hasn’t actually happened since 2013, but I’ve had some close calls and they’ve been terrifying.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Well firstly, we’ll start with toasted gluten free bread because of my stomach. Then, we’ll do cracked pepper turkey with mayo and Dijon mustard. Toss in some spinach, lettuce, tomato, red onion, and pickles and you’ve got a great sandwich.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Putting it in my top surgery fund, which you can find here!

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Anywhere with a beach would be great by me.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac because one bottle of the stuff is worth nearly $2 million and I could sell it and be set for life. (I don’t drink so actually having it for me wouldn’t do me any good)

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Everyone gets equal rights. Period.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Oh Nut!

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

I would either grab my laptop or reginald (insert picture of reginald here). It’s a serious debate for me, because reginald is my prized possession. But my laptop has a whole bunch of stuff on it that I really don’t want to lose.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Trump getting elected.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

That is the COOLEST reason for getting kicked out of the country. Honestly, if I had the money, I’d take my family and move to Europe where they have universal healthcare and know that human rights are for everyone.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

I would totally hang out with Death from The Sandman, she’s amazing. I’m not sure I would bring anyone back, because bringing people back from the dead has a whole bunch of repercussions that I don’t think we really know how to deal with.

34. What was your last dream about?

I don’t really remember my dreams that well.

35. Are you a good chopstick user?

I’d say so. When I have the option of using chopsticks, 9 times out of 10 I will because I can feed myself with them. I’m not good enough that I’m confident I don’t make faux paus though.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Yes, I was admitted to a mental facility twice this past year.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

I built several as a kid! One in my backyard lasted for a good couple of weeks.

38. What is the color of your socks?

Not currently wearing socks.

39. What type of music do you like?

Depends on my mood, but I’m almost always in the mood for some electronica.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I think sunrises are prettier, but I don’t like being awake at the time of day that they usually happen.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Chocolate malt

42. What football team do you support?

None? I don’t like football.

43. Do you have any scars?

I’ve got several on my knees from when I was a kid and played outside all the time. I’ve also got a few on my arms from self harm.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

I graduated 4 years ago, so this question is moot.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

The severity of my mental illness.

46. Are you reliable?

I don’t feel like I am. My poor physical and mental health means that I have to back out of things a lot and I hate it.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

What helped you heal from the trauma of my past.

48. Do you hold grudges?

Not usually.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

A dog that lives longer than 12 years in a healthy way. I know that the question is looking for something like a liger, but this is more fun.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

I’ve had a lot of unusual conversations, so it’ll be hard to pick.

51. Are you a good liar?

I can be, but not if it’s for a game. Usually only when I’m trying to hide my mental or emotional health, which I haven’t done for a couple months.

52. How long could you go without talking?

I have gone several days without talking.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

I went to a super cuts once and the hairdresser gave me the choppiest haircut ever and a bunch of the strands weren’t even the same length. It was horrible.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

I’ve actually done it a lot more lately because of my allergies.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Not well.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Peanut butter.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

I was trying to express something in therapy so it was more of an abstract piece.

58. What would be you dream car?

Something with amazing gas mileage.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I sometimes do oil pulling, where I swish coconut oil around in my mouth.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

Oh boy do I. I wrote a ton of poems about aliens in high school.

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

No. I don’t really believe in horoscopes.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

X! It’s my gender marker now!

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

How about yes.

64. What do you think about babies?

I don’t really care for them and I’m definitely not having any of my own.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

If you qualified for a wish from the make a wish foundation, what would your wish be?

I’ve thought about this one a lot, actually. When I was younger, I probably would have done something with animals, like being able to take care of them or go behind the scenes or something. I didn’t care much about the money or the big grandiose wishes like what I have now. I think I was a simple child.

#ask me #this was fun #about me

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babblingbat · 6 years

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Various Characters I meant to post Months ago

Various Characters of mine

I have so many I want to write (some) of them down! This is a suuuuuper long post so more under the cut! Includes a spy, a crime lord/activist, and a bargaining warlock (I have to reblog this later bc tumblr threw a hissy fit about the length)

- Kinda in a Bond-esque spy agency, but more of a contractor

- When everything goes to shit, you can count on them to fix it

- Nonbinary protege of whoever is in charge of the tech division (Mezza? Sloane? Dixon? idk, but they have a hell of a shady past and there’s like… noooothing that can keep Sloane out of computer systems)

- X isn’t formally recognized by APO (authorized personnel only, the spy agency) but they do have access to all information because of a backdoor Sloane made

- So I guess the name is Sloane

- Anyways, X goes on the black ops of black ops, typically with either mercenaries or no back-up at all

- Thus trust issues and like the opposite of dependency - they have so much trouble asking for things but are willing to help anyone or offer material assistance - if they have it

- X is nonbinary and really doesn’t have any preferences on pronouns, as long as they aren’t he/him or she/her

- They’re also autistic and shut down if there’s too much loud noise or if they’re just too tired for some reason - sometimes this means going nonverbal or just Not Functioning and their favorite way to feel better is to sit on the ground, wrap themselves in a blanket and listen to music - so in conclusion they don’t really use guns unless there’s a silencer, and they aren’t v good with them

- A huge part of their espionage function is language!

- They speak German, Spanish, Japanese, FSL, and ASL all idiomatically

- They also speak Russian, French, and Afrikaans, but not fluently

- They can swear and count to ten in Korean and Czech

- They’re pursuing a PhD in computational linguistics, though APO gets in the way

- They’re 24, and have a bizarre set of skills because both of their job, previous jobs and jobs they hold as a cover to pretend they pay their taxes, and special interests

- Sloane is only 7 years older than them, and recruited X out of high school

- At first it was small things, like ‘pick up this book from Elm Street and drop it at Main’ but it got bigger after they graduated

- When X turned 18, they went through formal training - protocol, combat, and analysis

- They’d done some martial arts before hand, but not much punching, mostly kicking, throws, and staffs (5 and 6 feet)

- X’s main job is to clean up messy situations, usually by stealing things or extractions, and their own ops are less combat oriented than the clean ones

- X is not the best at math, not by a long shot, but they can see patterns from a mile away

- “I am the fact guardian, guardian of the facts!” “Puzzles quiver before them!” “FUCK OFF”

- They do simple division when bored and solve a lot of math things by finding patterns and using them

- X is both their designation in the agency (as in ‘x factor’) and their actual name- they use an alias for college

- They live with a few people, most of whom complain at their erratic sleep schedule and ask that please, for the love of god, X gets sleep meds and just a solid 8 hours, for once

- Sloane eventually sends X on an op to extract Mel, Sloane’s girlfriend and top operative

- X doesn’t know what to tell Mel, so mostly they just tell them that things will be answered later

- Mel asks Sloane, who reluctantly explains X’s role, and this sets some things into motion of X eventually being brought into the spotlight

- They have several hearings about their activities

- Eventually, Seville (who runs things? I guess) tells them to carry on as they do, reporting directly to Sloane, but they are recognized now by the APO

- There are three other things I want to fit in:

- Goes missing for [period of time], leaving a very close friend behind, comes back after being presumed dead and no memories, apparently solved a conspiracy and now has many illegal friends who all enjoy thievery

- Magic is a thing (because it wouldn’t be my words if it wasn’t lmao) and common enough that people know it exists but rare enough that it’s kinda intimidating and sometimes people will freak out about it, despite plenty of people having it.

X has/develops magic at some point but is terrified to tell anyone and tries to hide it from their team (which is now their family, love that trope) because they don’t want to be barred from the APO, but it comes out accidentally during a mission

- X’s infodumping saves the day somehow

The Celestian

- K so this is more about an organization, but the Celestian lives in a like a 1920s fantasy setting and likes dancing

- They run a social activism group masquerading as a crime network that uses queer bars and stuff as fronts

- To get money, they dance competitively with their bodyguard and d8m8, the BFF (butch femme fatale) who identifies as a nb lesbian

- To get into any of the places where actual political dismantling and activism happens, who have to have very specific patterns on your nails - nail painting is a method of communication and is also a huge teambuilding exercise

- There are different codes for everything

- When cops try and get in (they can only find the places if they have a member of the Queer Folk), the code is “blue denim” and then the person caught tells the police they need nail polish and then laugh as they get caught, as if they were bullshitting the whole thing

- Other things are called “10:50 am” which looks like a sleepy eye

- Or “songbird rhapsody” which is also a popular song that the Celestian sings at clubs

- Or “money” which is just a green splotch on all the nails

- If you’re a member of the Queer Folk, you get a crate monthly of money and nail polish, and special things on birthdays and holidays

- The Queer Folk do everything from organize protests to take kids in and try to pay for their education through crime - as in robbery from different places

- Their crimes always have a certain flair to them - they value creativity and snazziness

- The Celestian is like 5’ 3” (which, to be fair, is 3 inches taller than I am) and the BFF picks them up a lot

- They don’t like alcohol or caffeine but drink herbal tea 24/7

- If they don’t, something is very, very wrong

- They have a prosthetic leg

Red

- Literally in high school

- A warlock! They traded their gender and all “gender identifying features” to a trans demon for magic powers

- The demon mostly asks them to get coffee and stuff because the demon isn’t very good at bargaining and just wanted Red’s gender, but it’s expected of a patron to keep using the warlock for things

- (on the demon phone) “hey so this is super duper important and if you could get it in the next half hour that’s the best thing”

“what is it”

“alright so go to the corner of Lincoln and Greenleaf, turn three times to your right, once to your left, and a door should open behind you. Don’t try to turn towards it, just fall backwards”

“if I fall onto poison ivy or concrete I’m breaking my fucking contract”

“No, no no no, you’ll appear in that good good heaven spot”

“… the coffee shop?”

- Red focuses on science in their school

- Every interaction is a deal. E V E R Y I N T E R A C T I O N

- Breakfast? “I’ll give you the salt if you hand over the pancakes”

- Entering a building? “Hold the door open and I’ll give you praise”

- School? “You want me to tell you what I do in my spare time? Give me an A on my midterm and I’ll tell you”

- The last one has left a lot of teachers confused and more than a little scared of the silly little nerd in their class

- Honestly, they have straight A’s because they make deal after deal about grades. They never cheat on tests, but they make deals, hold people to them, and know what they’re doing

- Red’s demon is getting a little worried with all the deals

- Red is most accustomed to deals rather than anything else because they think that unequal exchange (i.e., gifts) is really suspect

- That said, Red has no problems altering “equal” exchange to benefit them

- If they ever became a business owner, they would be terrifying

- They want everything to turn out the best it can for every one but… are not fans of laws

- They have many Opinions on law, its enforcement, and the government

- That cousin that will tell you constantly about how the government is corrupt and should be rebooted with the youngest people as the primary interest

- Anarchy? Not quite, but revolution? Most definitely

- No angst, just high school silliness and chaos

- Has no idea what’s going on 90% of the time - a kid on a sportsball team did something amazing, people started treating him like shit for adults liking him, and Red had no idea until like 3 months later

- Red just kinda lives in their head

- Did they hear what you just said? Nah, but they sure did hear that wristwatch every time it clicked on the second.

- Likes the sound of adventure, but mostly gets lost in Ikea and makes deals with the eldritch monsters in the mattress section

- SUCH A SHITTY SENSE OF DIRECTION, COULD GET LOST IN A GRID WITH MAPS AT EVERY INTERSECTION

- Charismatic, but mostly in the sense of lying their ass off and persuading people

- Once tried to go a day without making a deal (on a dare), ended by making a deal to not have to ever do that again

- Businesses both hate and love them - they pay for nothing but will bargain away odd things of equivalent value every time and catch shoplifters, dislikes shoplifters because it’s not a fair trade

- Bizarrely good luck with finding things in pockets, particularly to “pay” for things

#my ocs #red (oc)#X (oc)#the celestian #crime #warlock #dnd #d&d #dungeons and dragons #there was another dude that was supposed to be in this collection sort of thing but tumblr screamed at me when I tried to add them so ¯\_(ツ)#my writing #how am i supposed to tag again #please ask me about these kiddos #thanks

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oqonholidaysweek-blog · 6 years

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Prompts

You can find the list of prompts below. Feel free to select any prompt and create OutlawQueen art (fic, manip, video) inspired by it. You can of course combine several prompts in one creation.

You can submit any creation you want whether it is a new one or an old one. About the fics, it can be included in any of your existing verses. However, note that any ancient work will not be counted as an entry to win a button.

OQ on Holidays Week will take place from August 20th to 26th, so please, don’t post anything before.

In the meantime, don’t hesitate to tweet or DM me at this account @OQonHolidays if you have any questions.

Here’s the list of prompts:

1. Regina Roland and Robin, who can’t stand very loud or very crowded spaces, in Times Square.

2. Regina & Robin vacation in England, they visit the ‘real’ Sherwood Forest and town of Nottingham, see the statue of Robin Hood and touristy Robin Hood themed gift shops. Robin isn’t a fan of his likeness being used to make money.

3. Entire Hood-Mills family (Robin, Regina, Henry, Roland and Robyn) goes to Disney World during ‘villains month’.

4. Robin takes Regina camping somewhere out in the wilderness where she doesn’t have her magic. Regina discovers she is NOT an outdoorsy kind of woman...

5. Regina takes Robin to Hyperion Heights for the first time, to the bar and her former apartment, and people still think of her as the wild tattooed bartender Roni. She’s embarrassed of her cursed persona, but Robin wants to get to know ‘Roni’.

6. Evil Queen takes Wish Robin out into the real world for the first time and decides to take him to New York City.

7. Robin and Regina go to Vietnam.

8. On a family vacation, OQ family finds an abandoned puppy on a beach. Roland and Henry try to convince their parents to keep it and take it back home.

9. Robin, Regina, Emma, Mary Margaret, Killian (any other character can be included) are all good friends. Robin and Regina's friends realize they're in love but don't act on their feelings. So, they decide to push them a little. They all plan a holiday trip: book air tickets, hotel accomodation, activities. But at the last minute their friends don't show up and Robin and Regina are forced to spend a week with each other on vacation (maybe sharing a room) and ...well, maybe it's exactly what they need!

10. Robin and Regina go to a fan convention for Henry’s ‘Once Upon a Time’ book outside of Storybrooke to support him and it’s just uncanny how well they ‘cosplay’ as Robin Hood and Regina Mills…

11. Robin and Regina take Robyn to a heavy metal concert out in California. Turns out Robyn wasn’t interested in the music so much as she was interested in the girl from Storybrooke who just so happens to be into this band...

12. DarkOQ are on holiday in the EF with Roland and get attacked by monsters.

13. OQ are in holiday with their children and Roland gets lost

14. Robin and Regina are both skilled contract killers working for different firms meeting for the first time in bogota Columbia during a pretended or real holidays. Of course, they have no idea that the other one is a contract killer, and even less that they have the same target (based on the movie Mr & Mrs. Smith)

15. A weekend camping trip with the boys [dealer's choice on good or bad trip]

16. Regina takes Robin on his first plane ride

17. Honeymooning in Hawaii

18. A romantic cruise that veers into the Bermuda Triangle

19. Hiking in the Redwoods [with or without the boys]

20. Henry or Roland get food poisoning on vacation and need TLC

21. A day at the beach ends with Regina getting sun poisoning

22. Henry and Roland go to summer camp, leaving Regina & Robin on a staycation at home

23. First family roadtrip

24. Robyn's first day at the beach with Robin, Regina, & the boys [Zelena optional]

25. Robyn gets her first period on vacation with the family

26. Regina teaches Roland how to swim

27. Regina and Henry are in holidays on a cruise, the same cruise as Robin and Roland. Robin, Regina’s ex-boyfriend from college. The first time they face each other, things aren’t that simple and a lot of grudge is still present. But as the two kids become friends, their parents are forced to spend time together, and talk about their past...

28. “Best vacation ever!"

29. “Why did I agree to this trip?"

30. "Look! I even laminated our itinerary AND synced it to everyone's phones!"

31. “Your mum is stunning when she lets herself enjoy nature."

32. Family day at the beach

33. OQ spends a few days at the beach, without the kids, and things get steamy on the sands... Or above a rock ;)

34. Regina breaks her leg during her holidays with her parents and sister, and is forced to stay behind while they are out visiting. One day she decides to get out to get some fresh air and ends up running into a certain British boy with deep dimples and ocean blue eyes.

35. Regina isn't in the mood for a holiday, but her friends drags her with them and in the end she ends up being grateful that she went. Because she meets the love of her life.

36. Regina takes a well deserved holiday in Mykonos. Her plan? Party, have fun, maybe meet a guy or two for a one-night stands, and forget her awful boss and pressuring job. But when her eyes fall upon the bartender of her hotel, a handsome British man with blue eyes and a sexy accent, her plans to stick to one-night stands completely fall apart.

37. At Henry’s request, Regina and Robin organize a family trip (Roland comes too) to Maya’s ruins. But as they visit a temple, they unleash a powerful magic that threatens everyone’s lives.

38. Regina is on a holiday trip with her friend Tink in Spain. At her friends’ request, Regina let’s a fortune teller read the lines of her hand. Regina, a confirmed bachelor, doesn’t believe her when the woman predicts that she’ll meet her soulmate during this trip : a man with a lion tattoo. That is, until she meets a handsome man with intriguing blue eyes, adorable dimples, and a certain tattoo...

39. “What are you doing in my hotel room?”

40. Romantic holidays in Paris

41. Robin and Regina take their whole family on holidays. Henry meets a girl he has a huge crush on, and Robin has to help Regina deal with her mama bear feelings and let her son enjoy this summer love.

42. A week at the beach. Roland almost drowns.

43. Wish Robin convinces (after several attempts) the Evil Queen to spend a week in the Forest. Whether it ends up being phenomenal or a complete failure is up to you.

44. Regina, Leopold and Snow take a vacation to one of the other realms of the Enchanted Forest and they meet a certain thief on the road during their journey.

45. Regina discovers that she’s pregnant a week before a long planned holidays, and she’s extremely nauseous. “I’m ruining everyone’s holidays.” “No, you’re not.”

46. Regina and Robin go back to Camelot to take a few days off for themselves and they end up waking up an evil everyone had forgotten about.

47. OQ take their children and Robyn (who’s about 15 yo) on a trip to San Francisco. “Regina, I really like this girl we met on the pier.”

48. Robin and Regina have marital issues. Their therapist suggests they take some holidays, just the two of them, to work on their relationship without having to worry about the kids. Will it work in helping them remember how much they still love each other?

49. “I always dreamt to visit Venise.”

50. During the Missing Year, Regina isn’t doing well, she misses her son and feels like she doesn’t belong. A certain thief offers her to take her away for a few days, to help change her mind.

51. Regina and Robin are best friends who decide to go on a trip to Las Vegas together. As they say, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas

52. Leopold takes Regina to his hunting lodge in the mountains, she gets lost and almost dies in a blizzard, Robin finds her, brings her back to his cabin to nurse her back to health.

53. Regina and Robin take a few days off for their first Thanksgiving together as a married couple. Regina has a little more to be greatful for than she expected

54. Robin and Regina are friends. Regina went through a tough break up after a long relationship with Daniel. Daniel was an ass, lied, cheated, whatever. Robin has been secretly in love with Regina, but has waited patiently for her to get over Daniel, and it seems she succeeds.They plan this vacation as friends (it can be with other friends) and in the trip they bump into Daniel. This makes Regina doubtful again, Robin is jealous, maybe Daniel tries to win Regina again, and due to the circumstances Robin has to tell Regina how he feels about her.

55. Modern AU: Regina dedicates most of her time to her job and her best friend convinces her to finally take a break. Her friend books a trip for her with a travel agency. Regina reluctantly goes to the trip and is in a bad mood, always thinking about her job and what she has to do when she goes back, until she meets the tour leader, Robin.

56. Regina and Robin in Greece (preferably not at the most popular and crazy crowded places)

57. Regina and Robin go castle-seeing in England

58. For father's day (or mother's day, you choose), they plan a surprise holiday, so they can celebrate it somewhere else.

59. Robin and Regina on their honeymoon; a week in a haute top floor Paris suite where Robin is completely out of his element but he endures it for his new bride

60. Families were accidentally booked for the same cabin, beach house, airbnb and decide to share the space so neither have to cancel the vacation

61. Visiting Robin’s family in England

62. Visiting Regina’s family in Puerto Rico

63. Regina getting racially profiled at the airport, Robin defends her (either established relationship or first meeting)

64. Roland and/or Henry get lost at airport or at destination

65. Home alone holidays AU

66. Jolly Roger

67. Ship wreck (AU or Jolly Roger)

68. Plane crash

69. Honeymoon

70. Cruise

71. Traveling to meet their new baby/child/children (adoption AU)

72. Mile high club

73. Every year the children point to a spot on a map / globe and that is where they go now $%*^@#* picked Utah / Iran ??? and is so excited but no one else wants to go.

74. Time machine.

75. Robin and Regina’s families would spend every summer at their vacation homes so they have been friends since they were kids and casually dated as they were teens. Now, they are both graduated and returning to the same vacation homes, hoping the other shows up

76. Welcome to jurassic world

77. Lost AU

78. African safari

79. A year after Daniel died, Regina is trying to take Henry on his annual camping trip but they get really lost and she’s pretending they aren’t. Finally, they come across Robin, who is camping with Roland and ..... :)

80. A booking mishap occurs and Robin and Regina each lose their reservation, but the hotel has 1 room left with a single queen-sized bed. Do these strangers share or do they let this ruin their vacation?

81. Lifeguard has to save drowning victim. [Dealer's choice on who is in which role and whether beach or pool]

82. Roland and Henry meet on the beach and make friends, then "force" their parents to make a joint vacation of it

83. Trying the exotic local cuisine, but who likes it and who's grossed out by it?

84. Rained out camping or tropical trip

85. Fights over folding vs. rolling the maps

86. Who gets carsick the easiest? [Adults or kids]

87. Who declares war on anyone singing "99 Bottles"?

88. Robin goes to Vegas for his bachelor party and Regina works as a higher end stripper

89. Robin’s deployed in the military and home on his two week leave so he and the family go somewhere before he had to go back

90. Regina Mills is an executive editor in chief of a book publishing company and a total bitch. After learning she is about to be deported to Canada, she forces her assistant, Robin Locksley to marry her. Regina doesn’t have any family left and the couple travels to Robins hometown, to meet his family. Regina & Robin learn a lot about each other on the trip and start to get closer. (Based on the movie The Proposal)

91. The kids are asleep in the backseat, so road head? Why not?

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phantom-le6 · 3 years

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Episode Reviews - Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 7 (2 of 6)

Carrying on our look into the final season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, here’s the second round of episode reviews from that season.

Episode 6: Phantasms

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Lt. Commander Data experiences a strange dream that begins with him walking a corridor within the Enterprise, then hearing a rotary dial phone sound, and seeing three workmen that he says are "dismantling a warp plasma conduit". When he tries to speak to them, he can only emit a high-pitched noise. The workmen turn and rip off Data's appendages, finally tearing off his head, before Data wakes from the dream. Though Data is worried about the odd nature of dreams Counsellor Troi suggests he continue to dream to explore the darker imagery he is experiencing.

Captain Picard is invited to an Admirals' dinner, an event that Picard has been trying to avoid for several years as he feels it would be rather boring. Unable to provide excuses, he orders the Enterprise towards Starbase 219 where the banquet is to be held, but they find the new warp drive will not engage. Data and Lt. Commander La Forge attempt to diagnose the problem, but after double checking the new configuration, the engines refuse to engage.

Later, Data finds himself in another dream, now set in Ten-Forward. In addition to the workmen, other members of the crew are present, in particular Troi as part of a large cake (a cellular peptide cake with mint frosting according to Lt. Worf). The workmen prompt Data to cut into the shoulder of the cake while Troi tries to convince Data to stop. Suddenly Data wakes, finding Worf, La Forge and Troi in his quarters, as he has been late for his shift. Data has never experienced this before, and tries to understand the meaning of his dreams with a holodeck-simulated Sigmund Freud. Later, while still working with La Forge to repair the engines, he begins to see imagery from his dreams while awake, including seeing crewmen with "small mouths" on their bodies, and an engineering tool appearing briefly as the cake knife. Later, Data attacks Troi on the turbolift, wounding her on her shoulder, where he claimed he saw one of those mouths. Data willingly puts himself under guard in his quarters, fearing what harm he might do to others.

Dr Crusher takes care of Troi's wound but finds the spot still discoloured after her treatment. Investigating further, she discovers the presence of interphasic creatures that are feeding on the Enterprise crew, which can only be seen under interphasic scans. The crew realizes the creatures are where Data has been seeing the small mouths, and believes Data may know how to deal with the creatures through the dreams he has been experiencing. They hook up Data to the holodeck and watch as Data's dreams play out, helping Data to understand them. Data realizes that his mind has been telling him that he can adjust his circuitry to generate an interphasic pulse that will kill the creatures. After using the pulse, La Forge postulates that the new warp drive was infected with the creatures, and after confirming that they've been exterminated, is able to successfully engage warp, though the repairs take long enough that Picard is able to avoid the Admirals' dinner yet again.

Troi later visits Data, who has since apologized for his attack. Troi shows no resentment, but jokingly remarks "Turnabout is fair play". She reveals has made a cake shaped like Data for them to share. Data wonders what Freud would say about the about the symbolism of devouring one’s self, but Troi paraphrases Freud and tells Data that sometimes “a cake is just a cake”.

Review:

This is our first, and I think only, episode that follows up on Data’s dreaming capability that he had activated last season. Ideally, it could have been used to somehow explore or expand on Data’s character, or as some kind of means of issue exploration, but again TNG falls short of what Trek should be. Rather than using the dream program to create an episode of true Trek, it becomes a convenient deus ex machina for a ‘crisis of the week’, complete with the accompanying technobabble. TNG, and indeed Trek itself, is always at its worst when the sci-fi trappings take centre stage instead of acting as window-dressing for something more substantive, and this episode is a case-in-point. Granted, some scenes have become effective meme fodder in the social media age, but that’s not what Trek is. I only give this episode 5 out of 10.

Episode 7: Dark Page

Plot (as given by me):

The Enterprise welcomes aboard members of a telepathic race known as the Cairn, who have only begun to learn spoken communication in order to interact with non-telepathic races. They have been learning from Ambassador Lwaxana Troi, who tries to set her daughter Counsellor Deanna Troi up with Maques, who is part of the Carin delegation. Maques has a daughter named Hedril, who has become Lwaxana’s star pupil as her younger age means she can pick up spoken language more easily than the adult Cairn. Lwaxana begins to display signs of emotional distress through random outbursts, which she initially brushes off as fatigue. However, after an incident with Commander Riker in Ten-Forward, an examination by Dr Crusher reveals Lwaxana’s levels of a neurotransmitter used in telepathy are depleted. To recover, she needs to refrain from using her telepathic abilities, and Deanna offers to help her mother continue educating the Cairn in spoke language without resorting to telepathy.

However, during a trip to the Enterprise arboretum, Lwaxana uses telepathy when Deanna struggles with how best to explain the concept of ‘heaven’ verbally. Moments later, Hedril accidentally falls in the arboretum pond; she is unhurt, but for some reason at that moment Lwaxana falls into a coma. Dr Crusher is unable to find any physiological reasons for this, and an unintended side-effect of Cairn telepathy is subsequently ruled out as well. Maques reveals Lwaxana’s mind is collapsing in on itself, but cannot interpret the images in her mind to understand why. To find out, Deanna enters her mother’s mind with Maques’ help and the permission of Captain Picard.

In Lwaxana’s mind, Deanna encounters a variety of barriers and is ultimately forced out by her mother when she encounters an image of Hedril. Suspecting Lawxana’s retreat from reality is related to a repressed traumatic event, Deanna begins searching for clues among her mother’s journal entries. With Picard’s aid, she learns there is a seven-year gap from just after her parents married to a month after her birth. The gap is highly unusual because Lwaxana was very diligent about her journal, and the entries have been deleted by her rather than not being made in the first place.

Deanna re-enters her mother’s mind, and finally tracks down her mother in a representation of the Enterprise arboretum, which Lwaxana has equated with Lake El’nar on Betazed where the Trois used to live. At Deanna’s urging, Lwaxana relives her traumatic memory to stop it killing her. It turns out Deanna had an older sister named Kestra; one day while the family was enjoying a picnic by the lake, Kestra’s dog ran off. She went after it, the Trois too occupied with the infant Deanna to notice. As a result, Kestra got into trouble in the lake and drowned. Lwaxana blamed herself for allowing the tragedy to occur, but Deanna reassures her it was an accident and not her fault. After finally saying goodbye to a mental construct of Kestra, Lwaxana wakes up. Later, Deanna reveals Mr Homm had retained a photo of Kestra in case Lwaxana ever wanted to stop repressing what happened, and asks her mother to tell her more about her sister.

Review:

While some people might feel this episode’s darker feel coming right on the heels of ‘Phantasms’ is somehow not right, I think it’s good because you end up with a good example of how to use darker imagery and create a good psychological episode after we got a bad one. Moreover, it’s got a lot more to make it stand out than ‘Phantasms’, beginning with a guest appearance by a very young Kirsten Dunst; this episode was done a year before Dunst shot to wider fame in ‘Interview with a Vampire’, and almost a decade before she began appearing as Mary-Jane Watson in Sony’s first attempt at producing a Spider-Man film franchise.

Second, this is the last time Lwaxana Troi appears in The Next Generation, with all her subsequent appearances being on Deep Space Nine, and it’s also about the only Lwaxana Troi episode I would deem as good. That’s because her normally over-the-top, nails-on-chalkboard personality is subdued very early on and we finally get a more serious, well-rounded take on the character. The other advantage of this is we also now get to explore a bit more of the Troi family tree, as we end up meeting Deanna’s dad (albeit only as a construct in Lwaxana’s mind), and we also find out Deanna has a deceased older sister she never knew about.

The idea of Kestra and her tragic loss is, for me, what makes this a great episode to watch, because normally Trek in general, and TNG in particular, don’t really delve into the idea of psychological trauma. I suspect a large part of this is down to the rules Roddenberry tried to lay down about how much more ‘mentally stable’ humanity is meant to be in the 24th century. However, as I’ve noted on my earlier reviews for this show, a lot of his ideas in that vein were unrealistic and not credible. Seeing the show capitalise on Lwaxana’s alien nature to get a story like this was a good move, and I actually found myself feeling sympathy for her for the first, and perhaps only, time of watching her. I think if TNG had toned down her flamboyance right from the character’s inception, it wouldn’t have taken something like this coming along to have that effect. For me, the episode gets 9 out of 10 (it’s still a Lwaxana episode, so by its very nature top marks are impossible).

Episode 8: Attached

Plot (as given by me):

The Enterprise arrives in orbit of the planet Kesprytt, whose population is divided into two peoples, the Kes and the Prytt. The former society is seeking entrance into the Federation while the Prytt are isolationists who are zealous to the point of xenophobia. This concerns Captain Picard, as at that time all other worlds admitted to the Federation have done so united, and the idea of only admitting part of a world trouble him. He and Dr Crusher beam down to meet with representatives of the Kes government, but a tractor beam generated by the Prytt diverts the transporter beam. As a result, the captain and the doctor appear in Prytt territory and are taken prisoner.

Believing the Federation is forming a military alliance with the Kes, the Prytt implant devices in Picard and Crusher so they can determine the truth from their thoughts. However, a guard manages to sneak Dr Crusher’s confiscated tricorder to them with a food delivery; it has been programmed with an escape map and access code. The two officers begin to escape, while back on the Enterprise, Commander Riker and the rest of the crew begin working with the Kes to try and recover the captain. Their efforts to contact the Prytt fail, but Ambassador Mauric reveals that by using Prytt who are sympathetic to the Kes, they have engineered an escape.

On the planet, Picard and Crusher soon discover the implants are now making them aware of each other’s thoughts. They cannot find any means of filtering them out, and any attempt to part company results in both of them feeling waves of nausea, forcing them to stick together. When the pair have to divert from the map they’ve been provided to avoid a Prytt patrol, Mauric learns of this and accuses the Federation of separately forming an alliance with the Prytt. That night, Picard and Crusher make camp, and Crusher learns that Picard was once in love with her. However, Picard felt guilty having such feelings for his best friend’s wife, and further guilt over Jack Crusher’s death drove the pair apart. However, Picard states that he now just sees her as a friend.

Determined to rescue his missing comrades, Riker beams the Prytt Security Minister Lorin aboard the Enterprise against her will. He then explains to Lorin that the Kes will most likely not be granted Federation membership, as the paranoia of the Kes and the xenophobia of the Prytt suggest the planet is unlikely to be seen as a viable potential member. In addition, he notes that failure to return the missing officers will only attract more ships to the planet, something the isolationist Prytt would rather avoid. As Picard and Crusher reach the border between the territories of the two factions, they are located and their co-ordinates provided to the Enterprise.

Back on board and with the implants subsequently removed, Picard and Crusher discuss their feelings for each other. Picard thinks they shouldn’t be afraid to explore how they feel for each other, but Crusher thinks the opposite, thereby turning down Picard implicitly. Picard accepts this, and is then left alone to process what has happened.

Review:

Ever since the show started, there’s always been some acknowledgement of not just a shared history between Picard and Beverly, but also some level of mutual attraction. This episode is probably the first to address it in such a direct manner, though, and it makes for some interesting character exploration. All of a sudden, two people who have feelings for each other but keep them private are forced to share those feelings via a tech-induced form of telepathy. It’s a great concept and we get a good episode out of it.

Unfortunately, the episode spends a bit too much time jumping back to the whole ‘Kes vs Prytt’ situation. I know that’s somewhat necessary because it’s that plot which facilitates Picard and Beverly having this forced mental link, but at the same time it doesn’t really add anything to the episode. Perhaps after ‘Phantasms’ and ‘Dark Page’, both of which were also quite psychological in nature and devoid of any real break from the main plot, the show was trying to mix things up. However, ‘Dark Page’ was good for having a plot of substance to follow all the way through, where ‘Phantasms’ was largely or entirely devoid of substance. Adding a b-plot would have probably harmed the later episode, and would only have helped the earlier ‘Phantasms’ if it had explored a character or an issue. Likewise, having everyone else do something doesn’t add anything to ‘Attached’; it’s just filler, some of which isn’t all that necessary.

In addition, this episode had a lot of potential for some slightly longer-term continuity. For pretty much the entire show no main character ever seems to form any kind of long-term romance, and since the O’Briens left for Deep Space Nine there haven’t been any recurring guest characters of a married or otherwise romantically committed status. Picard and Beverly could have made for a good multi-episode romance, but instead the show fell back on its episodic nature. It’s something of an annoying move, and a strange one considering some of what we’ll see coming as this season progresses. However, all in all the episode isn’t bad; it just fails to realise the full potential of its own story. End score, 7 out of 10.

Episode 9: Force of Nature

Review (as given by me):

While Lt. Commander Data begins trying to train his cat Spot on the suggestion of Lt. Commander La Forge, and La Forge engages in friendly rivalry with an old academy friend who is the chief engineer of another vessel in the fleet, the Enterprise travels to the Hekaras Corridor. The Hekaras sector is full of intense fields of tetryon particles, which can make warp-travel hazardous. The Hekaras Corridor is the only part of the sector through which warp-capable vessels can travel. The Enterprise’s mission is trying to locate a medical transport ship the Fleming, which has apparently disappeared somewhere in the corridor.

After entering the corridor, the Enterprise locates a disabled Ferengi vessel. The DaiMon in command claims their vessel wis disabled by something they believed was a Federation signal buoy, but which emitted a verteron pulse that disabled their systems. The Ferengi claim to have seen another Federation ship elsewhere in the corridor, and Picard trades the assistance of his crew’s engineering staff for the co-ordinates. At the co-ordinates, the Enterprise finds a debris field and begins investigating it to determine if it is the remains of the Fleming. As they do so, they are disabled by a verteron pulse and then boarded by two Hekaran scientists, brother and sister Rabal and Serova, who claim that the Enterprise is killing them.

The scientists explain that warp-travel in the Hekaras sector is damaging their planet of Hekaras II. Their research theorises that over time, sustained warp travel in the region will continually weaken the barrier between normal space and sub-space until sub-space rifts are created, and they claim their planet is already beginning to experience climate change from the gravitational shifts the breakdown is causing. Due to not having had their research taken seriously by the Federation, the siblings have resorted to mining the corridor in an effort to draw Starfleet in to investigate. They agree to assist in repairing the Enterprise in exchange for Picard and his crew looking at their latest research.

La Forge and Sarova clash verbally with each other during the repairs; La Forge is angry at having extra repair work to do and is appalled at the lives the siblings might have risked if they’ve disabled the Fleming in the same way. Sarova, however, notes that the lives being put at risk on her world are also important, and the disabling of a ship’s engines is only an inconvenience. Rabal tries to act as peacemaker, explaining to La Forge he was originally a sceptic, but was eventually convinced his sister was right once he took the time to understand her theories.

Data reviews the siblings’ research and notes that it cannot be proven as it would take a large amount of warp energy to do so. However, given that the theorised damage the siblings fear may be cumulative, he recommends they ask a dedicated science vessel comes out to investigate further. Picard agrees, and asks the pair to submit a proposal to the Federation science council. Rabal agrees, but Sarova refuses, seeing this as just another delay. In desperation, she returns to her ship and triggers a warp core breach just as the Enterprise locates the Fleming. The result is a sub-space rupture just as she had theorised, and the Enterprise is then faced with the challenge of rescuing the crew of the Fleming even though the rupture prevents the use of warp drive within it.

La Forge laments that Sarova felt she had to go to such extremes before they would listen, but Data objectively highlights that she resorted to drastic measures no reputable scientist would employ. After extensive study of the rupture, Data proposes the Enterprise use a ‘warp burst’ to give them their initial momentum and then ‘coast’ through the rupture to beam out the Fleming’s crew. Picard agrees, but when the Fleming tries to engage its warp engines inside the rift, the increased distortion within the rift deprives the Enterprise of the momentum it needs to escape. La Forge then suggests matching the phase frequency of their shields with the distortion waves from the rupture, thereby ‘surfing’ out of the affected region, and on the second time of trying the ship manages to escape.

Later, Rabal shows the Enterprise senior staff new projections of the sector based on new research in the wake of Sarova creating the rift. In forty years, he projects the region will be mostly sub-space ruptures if warp travel isn’t prohibited, and the climate damage to his planet is already accelerating. Picard then receives a message from the Federation council;

"Until we can find a way to counteract the warp field effect, the Council feels our best course is to slow the damage as much as possible. Therefore, areas of space found susceptible to warp fields will be restricted to essential travel only, and effective immediately, all Federation vessels will be limited to a speed of – Warp 5? – except in cases of extreme emergency."

It is noted that while the Federation will share this with all other warp-capable powers, not all of them will necessarily follow the same restrictions. Picard also offers the Hekarans a weather control matrix to counteract the climate damage caused by the rift, then later notes privately to La Forge that he is worried to think his time spent exploring the space he loves might also be responsible for destroying it. La Forge claims it won’t come to that, and notes that they still have time to find a way of reversing the damage.

Review:

After three episodes with psychologically-heavy plots, we now come to something a bit more issue-centric as we get another Trek effort at addressing environmental issues. Apparently from what Memory Alpha says, the writing staff found this a bit tricky in some ways because anything about o-zone depletion, climate change, etc. was a very tricky thing to put across for them. However, I think this episode does a pretty good job of creating a metaphorical exploration of the concept. It’s also very well balanced, as you’ve got the devout, almost fanatical environmentalist in Sarova, the out-and-out sceptic in La Forge and Rabal somewhere in the middle, while Data also has input as the voice of pure reason in the equation.

It’s also interesting to note the scene in Ten-Forward between La Forge and Rabal where they discuss the ‘ease’ of giving up on something that is causing damage to the world around them. Rabal’s comment that ‘it won’t be easy at all’ is a very poignant and apt one, because now as then giving up anything convenient for the sake of not messing up the world isn’t easy, nor is it meant to be. Look at how we’ve reacted during the pandemic we’re still in; a lot of things that are ultimately conveniences have been put on hold, and some may never return, or not in the way we knew them. Giving up on that is certainly not easy, but for our safety and survival, it is essentially necessary.

That said, giving up things which are convenient to avoid damaging our world doesn’t always have to be difficult. Environmentally safe technologies like hybrid and electric cars have recently begun to be more widely used, for example, so before long we may still be able to drive long distances without having to worry about the world’s oil supply. If this kind of shift towards eco-friendly technology was better supported and enjoyed a greater volume of research, we could probably shift to a lot of other eco-friendly practices with little or even no inconvenience at all. As La Forge notes at the episode’s end, we still have time to correct the damage; some of the environmental recovery seen during the first lockdowns of the pandemic shows nature can recover to an extent when we’re not in a position to keep messing it up. What we need to do is capitalise on that time as best we can, especially the major corporations who contribute far more to the problem and far less to the solution than the general public in many if not every case.

One final note; this episode marks the first occasion where Data’s cat Spot is referred to as ‘she’ rather than ‘he’; this would be later revisited in the episode ‘Genesis’ but never explained, as Spot had always been a ‘he’ until this point. As such, this episode is slightly marred by this small but nonetheless noticeable continuity error. End score is 9 out of 10.

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