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fictionalmenmakemecry · 6 months

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Fuckin' with the Ecosystem- Chapter 4

Character: Carmy Berzatto x Reader

Summary: You decide it was time for a new chapter. You pack up everything in New York and drive back to Chicago with Carmy by your side. Due to the stress you both feel from the move, you're both on edge which leads to a mess you have to deal with.

Warnings: Angst, cursing, fluff

A/n: Chapter 4 is here! The further this goes the more twisty it's gonna get! I'm only getting started. Poor Carmy always has the best of intentions but seems to get caught on the delivery. Thank you for all of the support guys. I really appreciate it. I have a taglist going, let me know if you want to get added!

If you haven't read, here's: Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 and Chapter 3

Enjoy!

As you put the key in your door and walk into your apartment, it hits you that you're starting a new chapter. Once you made the decision to move to Chicago, you rang your landlord, letting him know that you were moving out. He wasn't too pleased to hear about it. You told him that you'd find someone to sublet it for the remaining 3 months you had left on your lease. You knew it wasn't going to be a challenge as New York was continuously dealing with a renting shortage.

The two weeks flew by. You felt like you were always catching up on what needed to get done. But never being able to finish a task completely. You put an ad out for your sublet, and to say people were desperate was an understatement. You had several responses in minutes and multiple viewings arranged. Once you picked the few people who were good to sublet, you handed it over to your landlord, as he had the final approval. Within a day of that, you had an official date to move out, and suddenly, everything felt real. Before this, in your mind, you felt like you could change your decision, and it would have been okay. But now, you don't have an apartment next week, so now you had to move, whether you had wanted to or not.

"Getting cold feet?" Carmy voice spoke out of your phone.

"No, no.. just seeing my things in boxes is... making it real" you looked around seeing your frames leaning against the wall and your possessions all over the place disorganized.

"Your flight is good?" You asked, bring your focus back on the task on hand.

There was a moment of silence.

"Yea, think so. Here, let me send you the link to my flights" Carmy muttered

Your phone vibrated with an email notification labeled as "NY flight".

"Okay... well... I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?" You asked, feeling your stomach flip realizing you'll be seeing him.

Since you've been so busy organizing everything, you forgot the whole point of the actual move. To start a new job in a new city, with great people and a close old friend. The stress was nearly over when it came to closing the chapter in New York, and was replaced that was excitement for Chicago.

"Sure will, don't stand me up." You sensed a smile off of him

You waited at the arrival gate, scanning the bundles of people coming out. Your eyes hopped face to face, until you finally recognized one. He walked up to you with open arms carrying his backpack on one shoulder. He was wearing his wool coat and white shirt combo. Always a classic for him. You gave a quick hug, breathing in his usual smell which was a mixture of cigarettes, deodorant and gum.

Carmy was relieved to see you waiting there. He noticed you before you noticed him. A warm sensation spread across his chest when your eyes landed on him and a smile broke out on your face immediately.

You both hopped on the subway, Carmy telling you everything that happened since you've been gone. He explained how Richie, Fak and Marcus has been busy breaking down the place. While Tina and Ebra have enrolled into a short eight week course in culinary school. Syd has been busy researching new flavors and themes for the restaurant.

"Suga' has been dealin-"

"IRS are being a pain in the ass" You cut him off walking down the street getting closer to your apartment.

"Yeah.. how did you know?" Carmy looked over surprised.

"We've been chatting on the daily. She keeps me in the loop. She's also been helping me find a place in Chicago." You grinned at him pulling out your keys as you came up to building.

"Oh.." He hummed and looked down.

"So, you know everything already. Why didn't you stop me?" He asked, him now feeling out of the loop.

"I like the sound of your voice babes" You mocked, opening the door.

You looked back at Carmy, who followed you into the lobby, giving you a smirk.

You both arrived at your apartment and swung the door open. He followed you in, dropping off his bag at the door.

"I have most of the small things packed away. It's alotta awkward big stuff I'm gonna need help with." You turned around to see Carmy looking around while walking further into your living room.

You felt vulnerable now that he was standing in your safe place. The place you called home for 4 years.

"I know- its not much bu-"

"It's.. its nice. Cosy," he landed his eyes back you, giving a gentle smile.

Your apartment was small and not the most modern. But over the years, you tried your best to make it yours. Your kitchen was a joke. You barely could swing a cat in it. But lucky for you, you worked in a restaurant which mostly kept you fed and you never really cooked anyway.

"That kitchen is an abomination," He stated, pointing at it in shock.

You chuckled knowing he was going to judge your kitchen.

"You wanna know the worst part?" You walked over and grinned.

You leaned over to the stove which was crammed in the corner of the kitchen. You opened the door of the oven. The door stopped 3/4 of the way before hitting the wall in front of it. You glanced over to Carmy who's jaw was open. He raised his arms to his head in dismay.

"What the actual fuck" He uttered, walking away with his head shaking.

With a busy couple of days ahead of you, you started getting errands done. Tomorrow was the final day, and there was still a lot of shit that needed to get sorted. He started breaking down your your bed frame and tables you had.

"Ikea piece of shit" He muttered to himself as he struggled with taking out a screw that was stripped.

"Who the fuck made this bed?" He yelled out to you from the bedroom.

You smiled to yourself, knowing he was going to love the answer.

"Take a guess" you yelled back.

"Dickhead Nick" He spat finally getting the screw loose.

You giggled to yourself hearing the string of curse words Carmy was uttering.

"Finally" He huffed, after half an hour of struggle.

You popped your head around the corner and watched Carmy gather the parts of the frame and put them all together in the corner of the room. The frame was heavy, but Carmy lifted it like it was nothing. You couldn't resist looking at his arms flexed with the movement of each piece. His arms against the tight sleeves of his shirt.

"You okay?" You snapped back to notice Carmy looking over at you, dusting his hands off.

"Yeah- yeah, sorry. I'm just tired," You walked away, feeling yourself blush from the thought of getting caught admiring him.

Carmy went to collect the rental truck as you finished off putting the last few things in boxes. That night, you both slept on the floor with a blanket and pillow. It didn't matter how uncomfortable it was. You were exhausted to the point of passing out.

You woke up with the sounds of your alarm. You picked up your phone to see 5:00 am. You looked over to the sight of Carmy laying on his stomach, his face smooshed into the pillow with his mouth half open. As you sat up, the floor boards creaked, making him stir. He stretched out his arms, yawning. His white shirt tossed beside him.

"Warm?" You rubbed your eyes.

He looked at you with his eyes half open. You flicked your eyes to the white bundle beside him. His eyes followed, and realized what you were talking about.

"Um- yeah. This place is fuckin' boilin' at night," he muttered sleepily, sitting up.

"Yeah, that's the one thing I don't like about this place." Your eyes traveled down to his bare chest. His gold chain resting against his skin. Your dragged your eyes away before he noticed.

You thought back to years ago when he was way more scrawny. He really had grown into his... physique. His shoulders were a lot more toned and built than you remember.

Hold up, you caught yourself. You stopped yourself going down that rabbit hole. It's been awhile since you've gotten any but you and Carmy have never been like that.

He leaned over and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing his hair all over, pushing his arms through.

"So... let's get ready, and pack the final things in the truck, sweep the place, and we should be good to go before traffic gets bad," you commented getting onto your feet and made your way to the bathroom.

"Heard" He mumbled rubbing his eyes.

You both worked your way through the apartment and played Tetris a little with trying to cram as much as possible in the truck.

"I'm tellin' you, if you take that out, you're just going to undo all the work we did last night." You grunted, getting annoyed with the constant struggle of your belongings.

"Lemme try." Carmy snapped back, glaring at you.

He handed you the box that you were both struggling to fit. You were beyond exhausted, and the thought of driving 12 hours put you in a further bad mood.

You watched, annoyed, as Carmy readjusted the lamp that was taking up too much space.

"I know you don't wanna have this in front with us, but you goin' hafta." He took out the tall lamp awkwardly, losing his patience with it. He wiggled it and angled it out. Then, he took the box off of you. He slotted it into the gap that was left behind by the lamp. He slammed the doors and turned to you, a small smile appearing on his face.

"What?" You barked, frowning back at him.

He stared at you for a moment.

"Nothin," he shook his head, the smile still on his face.

If he was honest, he couldn't stay annoyed at you when he looked over and saw how pissed you were, holding your lamp. He thought about how rough you both were . Your hair tied away from your face, and his just a bush on his head. Both sporting bags under your eyes. You standing there holding a lamp angerly, just shifted something inside him. To him, you looked ... cute? He couldn't place the words. He dismissed the thought quickly but with the remnants of the smile left behind. You both had a lot of shit to get through today, and he's thoughts weren't on top of the list.

You entered your old apartment for the last time. Completely empty. The walls looked bare after so long filled with your favorite pictures and posters. You walked through all the rooms and checked the closets to make sure nothing was left behind.

You glanced down the hallway to see Carmy leaning against the wall, playing with the truck keys absent-mindedly. Two months ago, you were minding your business, figuring out your next job in New York. With one phone call, now you're moving to Chicago to work in a non-existent restaurant.

You made your way back to him, and you took one more look before closing the door.

"Ready?" He asked, looking back at you.

You nodded, smiling back at him.

With a long road ahead of you, you decided to take turns driving the truck. Carmy offered first. You didn't know if because he saw how tired you were, or he was just being kind. Twenty minutes into the journey, you were conked out.

One arm on the steering wheel, the other resting on the door, he would glance from time to time over to you. You leaned up against the other side of the truck with your head against the window using your hoodie as a make-shift pillow.

Carmy had a constant knot in his stomach the last week. He felt excited to see the plan that you made actually happen. It really did feel like a new beginning had started. The restaurant being remodeled and you moving to Chicago, it felt real. For once, he was actually feeling hopeful about the future.

Along the journey, you made a few pitstops for bathroom breaks and snacks.

"Where... ar wehh?" Carmy lifted his head feeling the truck coming to a stop outside a gas station.

" I dunno, fuck middle nowhere Pennsylvania," you said before getting out of the car.

"Still? Fuckin' hell. How big is this state?" He groaned, readjusting his head.

You came back with two energy drinks, and you threw him a bag of chips.

"Thanks," he mumbled

"It's the only payment you're getting for helping me move." You smirked, cracking open a can.

You heard him give a light chuckle before putting his head down again.

Once the sun came up, you both felt more awake. It a crisp winter morning. Cold, fresh, but the sun was shining with a clear sky.

You pulled over for another pit stop.

"Huhh" Carmy readjusted in his seat, completely disorientated from his power nap.

"Needa pee" you said restlessly.

"Again?" Carmy complained

"Energy drinks run through me"

The truck came to a halt. You jumped out and raced inside, barely waiting for the automatic doors to open fully before going in.

Carmy sat up in his seat and decided it was his turn to drive. He made his way to the driver side. He thought to himself for a moment before turning on the truck, putting it into drive, and pulled away.

He had no idea what got into him, but he wanted to fuck with you.

He had moved the truck to the other opposite side of the gas station, to the point where you would have to turn around to see it as you walked back to the old parking spot.

He watched the door waiting for you to come out. His hand resting against his mouth, tapping his finger on the steering wheel.

You walked out in the direction where the truck was parked, to see it not there anymore. You swore you parked it right there, took glance around to your left and right.

Were you losing mind?

Did Carmy take off?

Doubtful but it did pop into your mind.

Carmy continued to watch from the driver seat. A sneaky smile emerging on his face, he watches you look around. He could tell you thought you were losing your mind.

He gave the steering wheel a light push, and a short horn blared out of the truck. He saw you whip around from the sound, and a smile popped up on your face.

You went to the truck and got in the passenger side.

"You fucker" you giggled punching him lightly in the arm.

"Gotta keep you on your toes." He chuckled, rubbing this arm where you hit.

"I thought you dipped." You said securing your seat belt.

"Na, I'm not that bad," Carmy pulled out of the gas station.

For the next couple of hours, you chatted about random things, trying to keep you both dying from boredom. The conversation would get interrupted with Carmy's road rage of people cutting him off and traffic building up as you got closer to the cities.

"Why the fuck would Google Maps bring us on this route, it's slammed" He glanced at his phone

"Cause someone wanted to avoid tolls" You rolled your eyes to him.

"You fuckin' think I'm willing going to pay 90 dollars to those bastards?" He lightly hit the steering wheel in frustration.

"Well it would only be half-"

"It's not about the money..." He broke off as you both crawled along the road.

Nine hours into the twelve hour road trip, and both of you were starting to feel it. You were looking rough to begin with, but now you both felt just as rough.

With you behind the steering wheel again, you glanced over and saw him gaze out the window, his head leaned back. You didn't know if he was asleep. The sun was slowly starting to make its way down. The dusky sky was followed by an early dark night.

"Pull over at the next gas station." Carmy spoke up, looking over at you.

"Why?" You checked your rearview mirror and blind spot before turning your blinker on.

"Chicago is a mess when it comes to one ways. It'll be easier if I drive the rest of the way" He explained licking his lips.

You didn't fight him on this. You hated driving in a new city, the stress of the traffic, especially in a truck that was a lot bigger than your old car, you were glad he offered.

You switched sides and felt a ping of sadness that the road trip was near to an end. You were glad that the move was finally over, but wished you appreciated being around Carmy more. You felt the need to cling onto every minute spent with him. The feeling that you got in your stomach, your gut. You haven't felt that in a long time. The peace you had with him when cruising down the highway.

"What's your address?" He asked as you pulled up to a stop at a red light.

You pulled up your email confirming your lease contract on your new apartment. He glanced over, his eyebrows immediately popping up.

"You're fuckin' kidding me, ight?" He scoffed.

"What?" A hint of worry in your voice.

"Could you have picked a rougher neighborhood?" He asked sarcastically.

"I asked Sugar an-"

"Suga hasn't a fuckin' clue. Why didn't you ask me? Or anyone else...." He ridiculed.

"It can't be that bad." You dismissed his attitude, trying to reassure yourself.

There was a moment of silence with the red light turning green.

"Fuck- okay. it's fine. But if any- I mean any shit goes on, you immediately call me or Richie, okay?" He took his eyes off the road staring at you.

"Yea- yes, of course" You nodded pressing your lips in a fine line.

As you traveled through Chicago, you looked through the perspective of it as your new home. You took note of maybe some cafes and shops you wanted to go visit. You started to see more and more neglected buildings as you got closer and closer to your new apartment.

"I didn't have many options." You blurted out.

"With the timeframe I had and what I can afford right now. It was between this place and another, but I would have to wait another week before getting the other place, " you explained, feeling uneasy looking out at the streets.

"W-why didn't you tell me? We could have worked something out? You know I would have fixed you up with somethin'," He said softly.

You looked over and saw his eyes soften. You felt guilt, layered on top of all the negative feelings that were in your stomach right now.

"I didn't want to be in the way. I felt like I was already a burden with taking you away from the restaurant for the last couple of days" You brought your head down not wanting to go down this train of thought.

Carmy brought his hand up to his face and rubbed his forehead. He didn't want to make the situation worse. He wanted to pick his words carefully, feeling your uneasiness beside him.

"Look, the place isn't probably that bad and it's not forever" He gave a small smile trying to comfort you.

"Six months" You whispered feeling completely disheartened by the change in atmosphere in the last couple of moments.

"Yea- that's good. That'll fly by" He smiled again.

But it was too late, his first reaction was the real one and not what you needed. To move to a big city by yourself is hard enough. To do it in the bad part of town is not something you wanted to also deal with.

"What number?" He asked, looking out his side window

"Two thirty," you whispered.

Carmy continued down the street at a slow speed, keeping track of the numbers on the buildings.

"Here" He pointed in front of him pulling over to the curb.

You didn't even want to look. The weight in your stomach was keeping you from looking up. The adrenaline from New York had worn off, leaving you with disappointment and worry.

Carmy hopped out of the truck and was looking at a building that was a little run down, but the entrance was clean, and there were no dodgy people around that he noticed right away. He looked up and down the street to see a corner shop and a laundromat closest. He instinctively took out a cigarette and light it inhaling the smoke. He turned back to the truck window to still see you in the seat, looking down.

"Shit" He muttered to himself knowing he fucked up. He had to say exactly what was on his mind. He couldn't just keep it to himself and wait til' you got here. He mindlessly kicked a pebble on the ground while finishing his cigarette, trying to think what would be the best thing to do. He didn't want to make things worse. You were both on your reserves when it came to energy and patience with each other. He didn't want to stumble at the final hurdle.

After a few minutes, you heard the door being pulled open on your side.

"Hey... Look, I'm sorry... this is a really nice building from what I can see..." He braced his arm on the door jam.

"You're just sayin-"

"I'm not... I'm really not. I'll promise to tell you if your apartment looks like a shithole when we go see it"

You looked up to see his dead serious face break into a smile. You felt a smile creep up on your face even though you didn't want it to.

"C'mon" He nodded up, bringing his hand out for you to grab.

He helped you down off the truck, and you went inside with him right behind.

As you went to the building managers office, he walked around feeling out the place. He walked to the mailing room, which was a mess with piles of neglected mail from past tenants.

The place overall smelt like stale bleach. It was dated and worn, but it was clean. He was grateful for that.

"Got it"

He noticed how quiet you were. He would looked over and you give him a weak smile. But deep inside he knew you weren't okay. He wanted to hug you and hold you. He never had the intension to hurt you and he was pissed off with himself that he did.

You made your way to the fourth floor and made a wrong turn on the hallway before turning back.

"Here it is, 46C," you hummed, sticking the key in the hole.

With the door swinging open, you both walked in. The layout was close to your old apartment. The door opened to the living room with a hallway to your left where the kitchen and bedroom lead.

You walked into the living room where blank walls faced you with two windows looking out to the street below.

"Bathroom isn't bad" you heard Carmy call out further in the apartment.

You walked over to see him sitting on the toilet lid.

"I see you're giving it a test ride," you chuckled.

"Someone has to." He shrugged jokingly.

Him seeing you chuckle, even if it was a light one made him feel somewhat better than he didn't completely wreck the evening.

You turned around to see the bedroom directly across. It could comfortably fit a queen bed, which was a relief. From the pictures, you couldn't tell if the bed would be cramped in it.

"So, I was thinking the bed would be here?" You whipped around, spreading your arms, imitating the size of the bed.

"In the middle?" Carmy asked walking in behind.

You nodded, turning around to face the wall.

"Yeah... I think that would work," you grinned seeing the potential in this room.

You continued to imagine how the rest of your belongings would fit in your new bedroom.

"Let's get started. There's a lot to move still," he made his way out of the room.

The curse words that were uttered from both of you as you awkwardly moved the big pieces of furniture first. It was a close call when it came to the mattress fitting in the elevator. Carmy was adamant that it was going to fit.

"No way in fuckin' hell was I gonna drag this shit up four floors." He gave out as he was crushed against the elevator holding the mattress.

Both of your faces were flushed red and sweat gleaming from the heavy lifting.

Carmy and you struggled as you dragged the plastic covered mattress down the hall to your apartment. It was the last of the big pieces with mostly boxes left to carry.

Another hour, and the truck was finally empty. You took your phone out of your pocket to check the time. Eight o clock shined back at you.

"Damn, getting pretty late" You huffed, pushing the stray hairs from your face.

"I'll return the truck tomorrow," you continued watching Carmy close the back doors of the truck.

You stood there looking at each other for a beat.

"I better head home," Carmy said, taking a few steps back.

"What? No- I owe you dinner. It's the least I could do", you crossed your arms, feeling the cold around you.

"You sure?" He checked, with his head down looking up through his lids.

With Chinese on your lap, you looked across to see Carmy lean up against one of your many boxes with his legs stretched out in front of him on the floor.

"You're right, it's pretty good," you hummed, enjoying the burst of flavor in your mouth.

Carmy nodded along, tucking into this food eagerly.

The apartment was mostly quiet with the odd random distant yell from outside, you presumed to be crackheads.

"I know you won't believe me, but I really do like this place" He looked up around your living room.

"The location is shit, but..."

"I know, but this place has potential." You smiled, finishing off his sentence.

"Yeah," He said in a soft tone, turning up the corners of his mouth.

His eyes lingered on yours for a moment. You traveled your eyes down his neck, chest, and down his arms.

You would be lying to yourself if you didn't notice his arms when he helped your lift heavy boxes. He refused to let you lift anything that he thought you might struggle with. He was considerate. Always thinking about you in a way that no one else would. Your friendship meant so much to you. In a moment like this, you felt that you might need his friendship a lot more than he might need yours.

Here you are, in Chicago. Working with one of your closest friends. Nothing else is here, only him. The vulnerability you felt in that moment, developed fear that you hadn't felt before.

"I can't believe you're actually here" Carmy spoke out, breaking your swirling thoughts.

"I know, it's just hitting me too," you said in a dissociated daze.

His eyebrows furrowed for a brief moment, wondering what you were thinking. Were you regretting your decision?

"I think you'll like Chicago," He said positively, keeping his eyes on you.

"Mhmmm," you murmured, your eyes glazed over and your mind in another world of your own.

"Y-you're not regretting your de-"

You snapped out of your trance and glanced over to Carmy to see his face covered in concern.

"No- no, no." You shook your head and smiled reassuringly.

He played with the food left over on his lap.

"Well... um.. you know I'm here, right?" He questioned.

"I know," you murmured, bringing your head down.

"I'm not goin' anywhere." He continued, leaning forward, trying to meet your eye line.

There was this sadness that you couldn't shake since getting here. You could feel it deep in your stomach. Was it anxiety? That reality has finally hit you in the face? The excitement that you felt earlier wasn't there and it worried you even more.

Carmy knew there was something up. You weren't present since you've arrived. It was a long few days for both of you, and it could have been exhaustion, but he didn't want to leave you alone. He felt guilty just walking away, especially when something was up.

You kept your head down, not wanting to make eye contact with him. You were afraid that if you did, you would completely break down and cry.

A moment later, you just heard him shuffle. You felt a warm hand on top of yours. You saw inked fingers grasp yours and a body of warmth wrapping you in a hug.

You couldn't hold back. You felt your tears spill over. You turned into his chest and buried your face into his white t-shirt.

"It's okay... you'll be okay. " He hummed and pressed you closer to him.

You sat there for a couple of moments. No other words were spoken. His embrace eased the anxiety that you were feeling. You had no idea what came over you. This was not the feeling you were expecting when first moving in.

You eventually pulled away, wiping your puffy eyes. Your face was red hot from all the crying.

"I-I'm sorry." You forced a smile on your face.

He looked at you with a comforting smile, his blue eyes flickering between yours.

"Don't be." He whispered, his arm still wrapped around you.

"I'm.... just glad to be here for you." His thumb caressed the back of your hand.

Both of you sat in your new apartment floor in between several boxes scattered. The apartment was cold and bare, but Carmy was radiating heat. You leaned into him with your legs against each other. You looked away from his kind blue eyes and sniffled. You wanted to savor this moment. The peace you felt with him.

Your soft hand under his rough fingertips made him realise that he would be happy staying like this all night. If you wanted him there, he wouldn't budge. His thoughts carried on from what your hand felt like to what maybe your lips would feel like. He could only imagine the tenderness he would feel against his.

What the hell is wrong with you?

She needs you. Don't fuck this up.

You eventually looked up at him again. Your eyes gazed at his beautiful messy hair, his fatigue blue eyes, and... his lips.

You went back to his eyes to catch him looking down at your lips. Your breath caught in your throat. Both of your eyes met in that second. Your faces inches away from each other.

Both of you scared to lean in. Both of you wanted it more than anything.

His rough fingertips grazing your cheek so lightly.

In that moment, you realized what you were risking. Did you really want to go down the same path you went down before? You move for a boy, fall for a boy... get hurt by a boy.

Carmy was all you got right now. You didn't want to risk anything that would make you lose that. As much you wanted to kiss him and give into every urge you had, the sting of your previous mistake was still there in the back of you mind. In this moment, you needed to take a step back before you did something you might regret.

You dropped your head not wanting to look into his eyes with what you were going to say next.

"Carmy...I-I can't," your voice barely audible.

"Fuck, I'm sorry- I don't..." He fumbled.

"I just... I've been here before. I can't make the same mistake,"

Carmy pulled away from you completely. His hands left yours, you felt the absence of heat immediately after he pulled away.

"I-I fucked up, I'm sorry" He shuffled to his feet.

"It's not that..." You tried to get words out, but before you knew it, Carmy had grabbed his jacket and was on his way out.

"Carmen," you sternly called out, getting up from the floor.

But the door was already shut. Your gut was twisting back and forth. You were so dazed on what just happened. It was too fast for you to even digest. You stood there for several moments trying to understand what was going on.

The last thing you wanted to do was hurt him. You felt your stomach churn realizing that you might have destroyed one of your closest friendships. You wanted him, you wanted to explain how you felt. You wanted him to convince you that you weren't making a mistake.

The deep feeling of anxiety in your stomach had emerged again, only this time much worse. As tears rolled down your face, you barely had the energy or will to tear the plastic wrapping off your mattress and root in the box, that was labeled 'bedding', to get a pillow and blanket. You let your body fall back on the mattress and instantly closed your eyes. This was suppose to be a new beginning in a new city. That clearly wasn't happening now that you've hurt one of the only people who you were close to in this city. The sirens in distance helped you phase into a deep sleep. Fatigue finally taking over your body. You didn't have any energy left to do anything else.

Carmy got back to his apartment, his stomach in knots. repeating the last moment he had with you. Remembering the pounding in his heart when looking into your eyes. Then, the sensation morphing into a sharp pain when you said his name in a negative tone.

He couldn't stop thinking about it over and over. He didn't even remember walking home. After you said his name, everything turned into a blur. The tone in your voice made him feel ashamed of himself. Were you disappointed in him as a friend when you needed him most? That you thought he was trying to take advantage of you at your most vulnerable? All these thoughts were whizzing around in his brain. His rational thoughts were no longer pushing through.

Should he have stayed to explain himself? Explain what he felt for you was something real that he's never had before. It's the surest thing that he has in his life right now, his feelings for you.

The last few days his thoughts made it plainly obvious that he wants to be more than friends. He was able to admire you when he usually couldn't. The everyday you. The you that was sleeping, eating, just living. He caught himself smiling to himself multiple times for no real reason. The only difference was, he was around you.

He kicked his shoes in the corner, dropping his jacket on the ground before dropping back on the couch. To say he was deflated was an understatement. The thought of seeing you tomorrow would usually make his pulse speedup but now, he felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

He went through all the awful scenarios in his head. Were you going to ignore him? Or tell him to fuck off? Or tell him that you only ever saw him as a friend? Nothing else.

The last one drove a lump in his throat. He knew he wasn't going to get much sleep tonight. He didn't even care if he didn't. The only thing he wanted now was tomorrow to go by as fast and painlessly as possible.

Chapter 5

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princessfroslass · 2 months

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Angel Dust has a clear validation problem.

I had been thinking about this ever since episode 2 and episode 6 all but segmented this onto my subconscious.

Angel clearly doesn't care whenever anyone slut shames or just overall insult him- he lives to get a rise out of people. Hell, Hazbin Hotel's VERY FIRST SCENE on the Pilot was him going full "oh yeah slut, very creative." And going after Travis life- but not on a insecure way, he very clearly didn't care. Fast forward to the actual show and it's more of the same- he doesn't care whenever Vaggie or Husk or anyone else threaten him because he enjoys the chaos and it's open about the fact he is only there to no pay rent. He just doesn't care about what others think of him.

Except.... When he does.

You see it's interesting because back on that origin comic (that I don't even know if it's canon anymore but for a characterization point I'll take it.) when Charlie states they need a quest and even pays him for his time (Angel was working on the street when they meet him) and she goes full "this is an investment, on you." He leaves the limo all "oh...ok....sure...." Clearly moved or touched by her faith in him, even though he still thinks it's misguided trust.

Back to episode 2, it's pretty much the anthesis of this. For once, someone else seems interested on changing his ways and THAT obviously excites Charlie, who referred to Sir Pen as "the hotel's first real quest" now to be fair with her, Angel is very vocal about how he thinks the Hotel is BS and hadn't show any intention to change his ways soon- but y'know that still must stings like it hasn't even been a week and this girl that is all sunshine and rainbows already gave up on him lmao but it gets even worse- on the roleplay thing, look at the fucking role he is giving- A CRACKHEAD- like he had to pause before saying that shit- and to rub salt on the wound, Sor Pen performance ends with the "no sex before marriage!" Line. Like out of all sins one could commit- you pick Addiction to Drugs (more specifically CRACK) and Sex. Yo girl what the fuck- and ofc, only Sir Pen gets congratulated, because Angel was critical of the whole thing and the former was full on enthusiastic about it- the last shot before the bedroom scene we get us Angel staring at Charlie validating Sir Pen's efforts and how he is going to be redeemed so fast before Angel sadly goes upstairs.

Now the room scene..... Yikes. The fact that the roleplay was all and on about the drugs thing and how the last voicemail/Angel's imagination? Things we heard it's "Addict trash like you doesn't change"... Hahaha all the yikes with that fucking roleplay. So yeah it's very fucking clear from the get go Angel has....issues. Hell even after "It starts with Sorry" when everyone goes back to sleep he doesn't looks happy, just resigned lmao

(Which it's funny because on the very next episode he saves Sir Pen from the war thing going down but I digress)

Now episode 4- oh MAN where do I even start. Now remember how in the first paragraph I mentioned how Angel disses Travis but like, in a confident way? Not on the way someone affected would react? Well this ep is everything but that lmao "I don't give a shit about what a drunk ass bartender thinks of me" reeks of insecurity by the tone alone I am sorry. Notice how he looks very taken aback when Husk calls his act out before he doubles down and goes full "I am actor dumbass" bit. Man's defenses were penetrated in a way it hasn't before and he needed a moment to put more bs out of his ass because God forbid someone in this Hotel knows how horrible his life is and how much he hates himself- and then his advances were thoroughly rejected for good ("It's never gonna work on me") and he absolutely losses it. Not being able to compute that someone that clearly stared at him long enough to read him, doesn't want to fuck him. Disgusts from people that barely knows him he can take- being told to his face it's not working, he can't. And it's not even because he particularly want to fuck anyone there- that is how he sees his own worth. He makes Val money, everyone around wants to take him, his services are apparently FAR from cheap ("you know how much I am WORTH?!") and he had based his whole self worth around it- no matter how many times he gets taken advantage of on a random club on 3am or if is his own fucking abuser (he literally only opened Val's voicemails after the whole ep2 fiasco) people either despises him because of his overt sexuality or want to use him for it (there is also the middle road where his worse habits are enabled and that makes him 'fun' company- but I'll be there in a min) there just can't be a reality where he is told to his face that he is destroying himself and any connection he can have WITHOUT the alterior motive of wanting to fuck him- right? I mean even Charlie's hope on him was proven to be limited, so why bother?

Enter Loser, Baby.

And yes, my beloved Huskerdust atem- you see there is something fucked up about it. Angel only joins in to sing as well after he goes full "I am a hoe that likes drugs tehee" but unlike always, he is...not proud of it. He only sings about it because Husk sang how "it's ok to be a-" like expecting a negative, and it's ONLY when Husk completes it with a "Baby that is fine by me" does Angel truly smiles. He just had a whole breakdown, he doesn't has the energy to put his facade and his "I don't care what you think" actitude. But because Husk validates that he is able to follow along.

There is also the "This guy it's not that bad" part. Angel softened up at that because, again, Husk validated him- the real him. He saw through his facade and embraced it.

In episode 5 there is this little scene where Charlie is talking to her father over the phone and everyone else is silently supporting her from behind. And Angel, the ever realist- is just....grimacing through the whole thing lmao but to his credit seemed to support her regardless- but what cought my eye through the whole thing is that when Charlie goes full "Dad, this is important to me!" The camera focus on Angel a bit....touched? See the scene you'll get what I mean.

Then episode 6 came along. Cherrie comes along, and her and Husk play devil and angel on Anthony's shoulder the whole night. But there is something interesting about this- Angel never.... really stops Cherrie, nor explain why he would avoid drugs- Husk does. He ONLY explains himself when Cherrie confronted him about being so protective of Nifty. When Cherrie offer him the pills he doesn't goes full "I am sober now" cut and dry, instead he goes full "er....I dunno, I am tired. Maybe another time?" after Husk does the whole "I thought you were better than that" bit. Cherrie enables Angel- she clearly CARES about him, there is not doubt about that- but Hell is made with good intentions, validating his excesses and taking an active part on it is how they bond- and how his relationship with her makes him feel a bit better about himself, even when at the end of day it all comes crashing down (hello end of Addicted) and what is the first THING he smiles at after his confrontation with Valentino? "You did good, kid".

Ao in synthesis, Angel craves for validation in all and any way he can get it- regardless of how good the intentions of those giving it are. It either can be an validitation of his usual behavior (Cherrie) an validation of him wanting to better himself (Charlie, Husk) or just.... validation of his body as a whole (those weird sharks he ran to at ep4) it really depends of how much his mental state is on the gutter that day.

And then there is Valentino.

It's clear Angel's self Worth issues are not much better thanks to the way he is treated in and out of the studio- but, and knowing his familial relationship, it's doubtful they CAME from there, and it was an unfortunate result of it.

Valentino and the Vees pray on the vulnerable- that was DIRECTLY stated at ep2, and what is more vulnerable that a drug addict whose own family rejected? Sure Angel had been on Hell for a WHILE but his foundation was already shaky to begin with, he is street smart and posseses more common sense that some of his peers (literally the only one that stated they SHOULDN'T bring every psycho that tries to kill them to the Hotel lmao) but this need for Validation running deep on his core makes him the ideal pray for any asshole that is willing to drop a few "oh you are so pretty 💜"s his way until it's too late. How tragic would it be- to have the first person that validated him in a WHILE be the one that hurt him the most.

#i dunno where the fuck this came from. its just did #hazbin hotel #angel dust #huskerdust #ish #it still counts #because Husk:s validation of Angel is like the backbone of their ship a d it actually started

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sucantslay · 18 days

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Wataru and Eichi's solo song analysis

-How did it connect together and the meaning of their relationship-(Part1: Eichi)

I'm literally crying, and there will be more tears after this...but I must...

If you're questioning why I delivered this analysis so late...uhm, it's long. But in short, I've to re-read some of the stories just to make some needed points and to make sure that the facts are true ( and all kinds of business randomly pop up on my schedule, haunting me for weeks! )

Before that, I need you to read some warnings first!

This is my PERSONAL way of looking at their characteristic, if it is not for you, YOU'RE FREE TO HAVE YOUR OWN IDEAL.

Even if you're an Eichi-P, an Eichi hater, or just someone who simply wants to know more about him, I welcome you all with open arms. No one is being banned here. But pls, if you don't like or enjoy the way I look and think of Eichi, do not send hate or make any big mess. If you don't like it, just stop reading, that's it.

There won't be much of the translated song picture because Tumblr stops me from putting 10pic in a post so...again with the word.

THIS IS GONNA BE GODDAMN LONG! I spit it into 2 parts! And it still LONGGG HELP! ( Part 1 will be Eichi's song and Part two is for Wataru song ) I'll make a tag and put the link so you can get to Wataru's part.

I'll be using these 2 Eichi solo songs to analyze:

Shinning star + Crystal Pleasure

And for Wataru:

Amazing World + Wandering Clown

I'm so sorry if there is not much information about Wataru, as well as a good look into his character. We don't have much information about him so...I need things to base on, a clue to know what up with him, but it is hard to even find one because he rarely talks about himself. So most of this analysis will be talking about it from Eichi's standpoint. It's funny how both rarely talk about their family and other personal stuff but since Wataru is around and always able to pull some lore out of Eichi's mouth, we get to know more about Eichi. Though, it was not the same for Wataru because Eichi have lot of respected for him. There had been multiple occasions when Eichi tried telling Wataru that he could open up to him but after some silence, Eichi just said: "It ok if you don't wanna talk about it." And they continued on with other stuff.

Alright, let's set up a map for this one because it is kinda LOnGGGGG

A small summary of young Eichi and how he came to know Wataru + during the war and after the war ended.

What thoughts do I have on Eichi being so in love with Wataru?

Into the song: About Eichi's solo then we'll get to Wataru's solo later.

1. A little summary!

Since this post is a goddam 4 song-analyzing post, it going to be hard for those who just want to get to the song part, so I made a whole different post for it!

If you're interested, go ahead and read the summary, if not, you can get to other parts. BUT, I STRONGLY RECOMMEND YOU TO read it ( if you have the time to ) because it going to help you understand Eichi's character better and enjoyable view of his song and the connection he has with Wataru.

2. Some of my thought on their dynamic ( 0v0/ ✨❤️✨)

I'm crying in happiness to get a chance to talk about them. I really want to do this for a long time ago but never got the time to.

As I've mentioned before in part 1. Eichi is Wataru's biggest fan.

So, it is likely that Eichi loves him but also puts a distance wall in their relationship like how a fan is to their idols.

From the brutal war, Eichi thinks he had hurt too many people to be forgiving PLUS the self-hate and low-esteem, it is just like a knife that was already placed in his chest, after the war ends, it just goes deeper in.

Wataru visited him but it did not make Eichi cry in tear of joy but in pain, because to Eichi, now, no one would like to be with him anymore. It was a good choice to let Tsumugi go, so he can be free. It was a good choice to made that damn contract even if friendship is what needed to help a Unit grow strong.

That "Fine" was never a Unit in Eichi's eyes. It was nothing but a weapon he used to wield. To kill the innocent, carefree being, yet it was necessary.

An action he must took to made the school a better place. And he did, he succeeded but sacrificed himself in the process.

So, if it was not for Wataru, we would never have the Fine today. Heck! Maybe we never get to see Eichi again and he will become nothing but the dust of Yumenosaki's past.

And I was so in tears! Every goddamn time Eichi keeps on with that suspicious look, scare that Wataru wouldn't be with him anymore, that Eichi will be throw away like trash.

Like! Give it a rest buddy! He love you! That it!

And to that depressed little rich guy? Wataru didn't hate him or stay away from him at all!

He was also trying his best, like feeding a kid the food they hate but is healthy so Wataru have to keep trying.

He kept on trying and trying just to let Eichi know: "I'm here for you, and I won't run away, I won't hurt you, I won't betray you. I will be here, with you."

With that came! The shiniest moment of the two!

EP: Link!

When Wataru literally gave Eichi his one and beloved mask that he wear all the time, just to let Eichi know that he'll always be here for Eichi.

I laughed so hard with Eichi just confused at the spot until others showed up.

Like, Eichi, yeh? Rich, smart, good looking. Yet just for a mask now placed on his hand and he getting all wonder in space.

Why? Because he was so sure about everything he thought! To him, his plan was perfect, to the man who wounded many, of course, he would never think that the plan in his head would not become true. He did it before, how can he fail it this time?

It couldn't go wrong, right? He thinks to himself but never did he consider it to be just some random stuff that he made up in his head and reality is different.

When he hear the news that Wataru participated in the actor test, he thought Wataru gave up on being an idols. Then went: "Well...look like he didn't want to be with me anymore. Look like he'll be come an actor."

Like...man, you made that up. You're sad because of your own thoughts then later on get confused when it isn't what actually happened.

This man is such a pathetic guy, I love him.

3. Song analysis:

Well well well, isn't it time *look at my watch*

Even though analysis 1 song would be great, I do, however, want to put 2 solo songs into this analysis then one.

Of course, we'll go slow and analyze one at a time, yet I can't stop but put both songs in one post because, in that way, we can see how both have changed, develop though still full of flaws, they have become something beautiful and will continues to grow.

Let's start with - SHINING STAR:

"A twinkling trace of a dream from beyond the horizon."

"Even though I understand...that it might just be an illusion"

Firstly, the name of this first solo is "SHINING STAR". It both mentions Wataru ( of course! ) and Eichi being the star.

But the two are described differently.

In these lines, mentions the appearance of an unknown shining star from beyond the horizon, a faraway star that shines bright.

But the more Eichi looked, as he thought it was all just a dream, an unreal feeling of this star that shine far in the sky. Because it was so beautiful, but how did he be able to find it here? Was it all way that close or was it all his imagination?

"Today with you, I continue to chasing it."

I said it already but let's say it again!

This man you're looking at is once a suicidal freak!!!

So gained enough confidence to live up to a "Today with you" is one thing, and actually find meaning in life "continue to chasing it" is another.

Because when you're in a state of depression, to once again find the meaning it life is HARD. When everything is already at its limit. When you can't feel anything anymore

Nothing but an empty soul, it hard. That is why depressing people don't do many things or everything at the same time. They try to find a way to continue living or decide to give up on everything.

Losing motive.

Yet Eichi was able to wake up and try to run away from this death of him. He might die from trying too hard, but he made the decision. To continue.

And who gave him the courage for this? Wataru! That is why, it was a "Today with you". Because Eichi still wants to see Wataru's show and witness the beauty of this magician.

I can't die yet! That's why he continues to fight. For everyone, for himself, but right at this moment, when the solo was released, at this moment, to him, Wataru was the first reason for he to continue.

As he's love for idols, pulls him back to life.

"Beautiful things are so fragile and ephemeral" "Permeating through your eyes, I reach out" "Oh, SHINING STAR"

Guys, I'll count from 1 to 3, guess who Eichi was singing about.

1, 2, 3!

Surprise no surprise! It was Wataru.

The shining star he mentions in some of the first lines, as it was far away but Eichi isn't that hopeless of a boy anymore, he shows signs of trying "I reach out".

He wants to be admitted and to be seen in his beloved idol's eyes. He wanted Wataru to see him and caught Wataru's attention.

Even if Wataru is already there for him, Eichi himself thinks otherwise, that he still has a long way to go. He can't just be at the winning spot without paying any price.

And for that, he was scared that he might hurt him. Like the things he did to Wataru friend, the Eccentric and the old Fine.

He was so scared of this beauty now coming so close to him "Beautiful things" he called it, the feeling he had when he was with Wataru, with the things he love yet never had a change to tough it is "fragile", this relationship can be broke if Wataru don't want to be with him anymore.

But, was Wataru's purpose for being here in was because of him or because Wataru wanted something from him.

He feels like the relationship they have is "ephemeral"

( if you are questioning: Ephemeral means lasting for a very short time )

"Underneath this starry sky" "An unknown neverending path continues"

My man is confusing

This depressing guy just recovered from his wound and was still a little confused over the new future he's facing ahead.

It's an unknown path, may be perilous, may be terrifying but he made his decision, he'll go on, he'll continue.

He knows that it will be uneasy. For he who thought that the next thing he'll be on is his deathbed, never knew someone would have the time and strength to take his hand and pull him out of that destiny deathbed.

His future was switched, and now he had to face a new unknown path that he knew nothing about.

"And for your sake" "I'll keep on shining"

"I'll be "SHINING STAR"."

And for the clown who needs a villain to lead his way, Eichi will continue to live until Wataru no longer wants him.

He wants to, no, he is a star, an unknown star that yet to be discovered. And after Wataru point it out for him, he understand that he is also some where far yet close to Wataru spot.

So, to catch that shining star attention, he'll have to be shining too!

Thought Eichi didn't seen to realize what it takes to become a real idol. His love for idols is endless and so does he's wish for a brighter future with Wataru.

And with that, for Wataru's sake, he keeps on living, shining bright as a star.

"Hiding your sorrow behind a smile" "You understand the pain of resistance" "A lifeless flower is blooming in the plains" "Such things make this world beautiful"

I will kill just to legally continue calling out these lyrics that Eichi sings about, all pointing to Wataru.

If you thought, yeh, Wataru can't be sad, he always looks happy. Then, my dear reader, you are wrong. Wataru can be blue sometimes, but it's hard to know since he just kept on smiling.

You can rarely find a moment where he puts down his mask, but it doesn't mean zero.

In Phantom Thieves and Detectives, after Knight and Ra*bit show, Wataru appears in the dark. But he seems...tired and doesn't really care to put on the face of a clown anymore.

This is not often, but there is also the time when Wataru points out other characters about the fact that they're wearing a mask too.

The reason Eichi can sing these lines is because he notices, he watches Wataru closely, for a long time, to the point he starts to realize that his beloved idols also have their flaws.

Since 2 lines are already about Wataru, so is the third!

The flower is Wataru, but instead of blooming anywhere else, he blooms "in the plains".

A primarily treeless place. In that way, it was easy to spot the flowers.

Standing on the bright stage, all along. The soulless flower bloom. It was beautiful, but the more you look, you'll find out, that this beauty is an empty one, it was a host but without a soul.

"Without hurting anyone, no dream can come true" "Without getting hurt, there's no way forward either"

"Oh, SHINING STAR"

Oh, I don't know, maybe in his household, he was being taught that you'll have to fight to win things over. Since he's a heir of a big rich household, of course, he gets the education to become one.

In this brutal world of humanity, to Eichi, the way he can win is through competition, fighting and sometimes you'll have to be tricky and stop playing nice when it doesn't seem to work.

He could have found a better way to make the school turn from bad to good, but it is not possible to win over such things without bloodshed.

With that in mind, turning the table by starting a war, and such education had already eaten into his brain from youth.

So in his way of seeing things, there are no dream if you don't stand up for a fight. If not pulling people down to get the first place in line, how can you do it? Nicely ask them to? Will they simply say yes or kick you down to the ground.

If you don't get hurt, you can't learn from it. And at the end of the day, you'll achieve nothing.

"As unbalanced as we are" "If we have different strides, let's join hands"

This part, this dam part *cry*

Wataru is a different star, and Eichi is a different star, yet Eichi is trying to reach out to him.

Silly science time! Did you know that two stars are really really far away from each other? Yes, the Sun is a star, but Earth, Mars, and others are planets, not stars.

Two stars can't be too close together.

The average distance between two stars in the Milky Way is around 5 light-years, or 29 trillion miles (47 trillion kilometers)

And even though all those constellations seem to a "standing close with other stars" and got connected into a line, they're in fact not, one might be far away from the other, yet they're all too far for our human eyes to know the difference.

Also, if you're wondering about the fact that two stars stand next to each other, they can but...they simply will pull themself close to the other and then go boom like a two-side car crash ( with both drivers being drunk a*s f*ck since they just get out from their daily local bar )

( it feels like that one time when I analyzed a Valkyrie song then ended up putting an whole a*s poem in it )

Yet, Eichi wants to get to Wataru, "Let's join hands", so we don't lose each other, so you would go too far away from me.

"The path ahead of you" "I shall light it up" "I'm your "SHINING STAR"."

Guy, no word needs to be said, you simply read and understand...

AAAAA, fine! I will *continue to cry my eyes out*, Eichi wants to light Wataru road ahead.

To Wataru, the little actor, the little clown. Eichi is out there, writing the script for him. Wataru want Eichi too, as at first he was unsure, but now? He wants to lead the way, he wants a future with Wataru.

So he'll light the way, he'll become Wataru's "Shining star".

"If you were to lose your way, I would certainly guide you back"

Like a lost ship in the sea, Eichi will be his lighthouse, leading Wataru back to land.

"You just need to believe me, and take a step forward"

I love you as my beloved idol, I love to show you're talent to the world out there, and let them know how beautiful you are. So please put your trust in me.

"Oh, SHINING STAR" "Our world is such a cold, yet kind place, continuing to revolve" "So in oder to arrive at a new tomorrow"

Eichi is still insecure about life, he had been taught that he'll have to stand up for himself. He had been taught that this place was cold and lonely.

Yet he was able to find love. Eichi was not so sure if that love would stay for long, but it did change him.

The world that he thought was a cold and terrible place was actually warm and full of joy.

He's not so sure to accept this love, despite that, he wants it to stay for as long as it can. Because of it, he was able to continue to live on, and arrive at the moment when he thought he was already dead by that time.

The lyrics repeat themselves, showing Eichi's determent to become a shining star, as bright as Wataru, so he can stay next to him.

"Oh, SHINING STAR" "Underneath this starry sky" "An unknown, neverending path continues" "And for your sake" "I'll keep on shining" "I'll be "SHINING STAR"."

AND NOW, Welcome our next Eichi's solo:

Crystal Pleasure !!!

Before we get into the analysis, I just want you to know. SHINING STAR had a soft and chill beat, it was slow and calm but also sad and a little misery once you read through the lyrics.

BUT HIS SECOND SOLO? Crystal Pleasure?

It had a jazz-like 90s vibe and such a happy beat! It shows his change, that he is no longer fighting for his life but actually filled with joy with the new and warm future where the path is now clear to him.

"Crystal Pleasure, let's burn some Crystal Pleasure into those eyes" "Crystal Pleasure, there's so many Crystal Pleasure, over and over again."

The beginning was POP!

Anyway, the first song was about shining stars, and this time, it Crystal.

Both are kira kira but one is up in the sky and one is down to the ground.

I got a little confused but I guess I'll use both meanings. Crystal doesn't just mean a type of gem or quartz, it too means glass, depending on the way you use it.

It is a "crystal quartz" but it can also be a "crystal clear glass".

If we're talking about the crystal gems that is, then the meaning is quite clean, since crystal is being used in decorating important places and objects.

To make something beautiful is to decorate it with shining gems.

The meaning/symbolization of those shining crystals is "transcendence and the light of the heaven". Yes, all over Eichi and Fine theme isn't it.

Now, I won't let you wait any longer, let's get into the song, shall we:

"The world is flooding with entertainment (competing for stardom)" "And as they compete, they become more and more extreme, wanting to be chosen" "Even so, those pure eyes remain as they seek" And all the white and black that I emit to be stared at dazzlingly"

It was not just about the idol industry, Eichi was trying to tell a story here.

That "they" was someone. Guess who? Wataru Hibiki!

The lines: "As they compete, they become more and more extreme" really stick out to me.

A silly jester, a genius, who wanted to learn from trick to trick and he was able to learn them quickly given that he was a kind of genius. An Eccentric member.

He is an actor, standing on stage, waiting for a director to choose him, to write him a script.

Eichi could feel the eyes of Wataru, which seek for a screenwriter, to write Wataru a brand new story, a brand new world.

Eichi then accepted Wataru's invitation and decided to be the one to give him his new plays. A new role, a new life, a new love.

"Let's take my hand because it's a miracle that I was able to meet you in the brightness" "And I hope to repose to that miracle of meeting you with my whole life ahead of me"

After all that time, after a suicide state of him, being saved by Wataru was like a gift from god. He knew that he had such a love for idols, that love almost died down, being forgotten but then Wataru came, reminding Eichi about why he was here in the first place.

"Meet you in the brightness" is like an angel, visiting Eichi by the window. The light from the window makes Wataru look bright, like the angel he is to Eichi.

Moreover, this line has some resemblance to the symbolization of crystal, remember it? It's "Transcendence and the light of the heaven" .

( What's that? Sound like the tiled of this song is already about Wataru? The whole song is! What can I say more than the homies are at it again!!!)

Wataru was his savior, and Eichi hoped that he could repay this gratefulness to him.

Here, it may be minor but it was a welcoming change! Knowing Eichi, he would likely try to repay Wataru with lots of stuff. His ways of love are to buy people things and make a big event just for something so small yet it was precious to him, so it was worth it.

Did I mention the fact that Eichi bought a WHOLD AS* pyramid for him just because Wataru joke? Yeh...I'm not lying.

But in this line: "hope to repose - with my whole life ahead of me"

It changes, somethings change. Staying with Wataru for long enough, his view of looking changes. Now, instead of buying him something, Eichi uses his life and quality time as a gift to Wataru.

Eichi "Buying things for you is want I want to, but then again, maybe, spending some time with you is the real meaningful gift" Tenshouin.

Also, a small detail but the "Let's take my hand" part, did you know that in Tempest, this adorable little detail takes place:

"I want to connect all the sparkling moments and make you happy" "Ah, as long as I am allowed to live, let me give you happy dreams"

The first line is when Eichi wants to give Wataru happiness, but the second? A little happy mix with sad.

"As long as I am allowed to live"

Eichi mentions his sickness, will the sickness kill him first or will he overcome it. He doesn't know, but as long as he's healthy, when he's still here, he'll do everything to make Wataru happy.

The times may run out, but before I die, giving you happiness is the thing that will satisfy my near-death soul.

To fulfill Wataru's dream is the first thing to do on his little bucket list.

"I think I know how to charm you ( this unyielding stardom )" "So if there's something I can do here, I vow to protect it"

Bit confused, but I read it ten times over and understood that Eichi finally accepted Wataru's love, he vowed to protect it, the love and hope that bloomed from this new relationship.

"Now, I want you to look forward to it, and determine the value with your eyes" "This dream, love, and freedom that I draw now became strong and full of color"

I would like to have a call back to another line in this song, it was "all the white and black that I emit" given that these lyrics are talking about the freedom of Eichi's soul.

From a soulless human with just black and white, now his world is "full of color", filled with love and hope, this dream that seems to be lost has come back to life.

"Let's visit you into the brilliance, towards the tomorrow you desire" "Let's be a little greedy, there's no need to hold back"

Eichi will give Wataru the stage to shine, into the world of light that Wataru wants.

This dream was never about Eichi, and that's what makes it about him.

Since the day Wataru saved him, his love of idols has once again come back to life. Being able to make Wataru's dream come true was Eichi's desire all along.

He views that his wish is a bit too greedy, knowing that it will take a tedious process, but he won't stop, he has been in the darkness for too long. Now he wishes to see the light and get used to it so it won't blind him.

The wish to see Wataru shining like a star with his own two eyes. So Wataru, please don't hesitate, though I'm quite the greedy, I hope you'll be happy to see me, staying here with you, your happiness is my light.

"Connecting the precious time, we are the protagonists on this stage" "While blessed by countless stars, let us sing our never-ending dreams"

So some of you may not know about this but, interesting information: Both Eichi and Wataru, one ( or 99 times more ) admit that they're the villain of the stage.

Yes! BOTH.

Eichi was in pain and after the war, he admitted all the faults he had and told himself that he was the evil villain of the show, even long after the war ended, he still thought it that way.

Wataru is a bit different, the exact time was never mentioned, but clues are all over the place. Wataru admitted to Tomoya that he usually plays the role of villain. And, it made sense since Wataru passed constraint to him being asked to play tricks, he likes to do tricks and magic, but the people, they always ask for more.

Wataru was scared, but he continued anyway, he continued to learn new tricks, but that was not enough

He didn't go mad and start taking the role of a villain though, it was never clarified. But I don't think that was the case, not at all.

Wataru was more likely to take the role of villain because he wanted to step back and out of the light of the stage. Of course, he is still there, but not in a heroic way anymore. He didn't mean to but he wished people to look away from him more often than before, though, in the end, it was quite the opposite, he made friends and lots of people admitted him.

Even Wataru never expect this to happen. In the "Phantom Thieves VS Detectives" story, Epilogue 3, he said this: "But believe it or not, the amount of friends and acquaintances I've made since entering Yumenosaki Academy have surprisingly increased in size."

They're both villain in their own story, but later on, after many hardships and challenges, they learn and understand.

The two are no longer the villains but the protagonist, the protagonist of a story where they get to stand together on the stage.

And with the Fine now, they'll stand together, with Tori and Yuzuru, sing the never-ending symphony of their dreams.

Here comes, my favorite:

"Determination alone is futile, but you are there, the one who saved me is you" "Because your passionate gaze gives me the meaning of life"

Eichi literally went: "Only by trying is not enough, if not for you who had saved me from the darkness, I would've been gone." to Wataru.

Also about how Wataru gives him the biggest motivation to keep living and doesn't "kick the bucket" due to sickness or several suicidal attempts.

And, it ends with other lines got repeated:

"Let's take my hand because it's a miracle that I was able to meet you in the brightness" "And I hope to repose to that miracle of meeting you with my whole life ahead of me" "I want to connect all the sparkling moments and make you happy" "Ah, as long as I am allowed to live, let me give you happy dreams forever"

"Crystal Pleasure, let's burn some Crystal Pleasure into those eyes" "Crystal Pleasure, there's so many Crystal Pleasure, over and over again."

Alright, this is the end of part 1, Eichi's solo song. We'll now move to part 2, which I'll make in another post.

So I want you to know that I wrote this with all my heart that I pulled out of my chest. I love them from the bottom heart of my.

I don't need you to forgive Eichi or forget what he did in the past, this whole analysis was not made for that purpose, I just need you to understand that he did, in fact, lots of bad things in the past and he got his punish, it a punish to live on, to learn and suffer with the future. But Wataru was there, helping him out, so he's not that scare anymore.

If anyone ask me to tell them they're homo but without telling them they're homo, I'll show them this long a*s paragraph ( I'm so proud of myself for writing this but also asking myself that I should be out there making money instead...but I'm feeling great after written this so...maybe it not that bad )

THANK YOU FOR READING!

Part 2 will be coming out soon? I mean, I'll put the link in if I finish it...hopefully...

#ensemble stars #eichi tenshouin #tenshouin eichi #hibiki wataru #wataei #Eichi Tenshouin solo song analysis #Wataru Hibiki solo song analysis #fine ensemble stars #eichi tenshouin solo song

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swtstrwbrris · 1 year

Text

𓆩♡𓆪 let the impulse lead you part 2; nanase haruka 𓆩♡𓆪

request: may I ask for haruka nanase x shy reader and how their relationship goes from strangers to being in a relationship, please ? Who’ll initiate first, will there be awkward silences, etc etc, I look forward to reading it!

summary: you were also calculated with the things you have to do or have to say, making it more difficult for you to make new friends. As you met Haru in one of your swim courses, you realized that you were attracted to him, without knowing a reason why. All you wanted to do was to say hi but your body and mind just won't allow it, knowing that you're too awkward around strangers, however, your heart still earns for it, even after the course ended. Will Y/N let this be another guy she quietly admires from afar or will she finally listen to her heart and break way from her strict mind and allow her instincts to take over?

pairing: haruka nanase x shy!older female!reader

genre: uni!au, fluff, one year age gap (female is older by one year), strangers to lovers, Haru is more extroverted than reader (and I am living for it)

warning: mentions of water but other than that, nothing special, not proof read (read with caution oops)

a/n: here is the second part of @koiaruu request! I had lots of fun writing this (especially now I am free from school)

Haru: Good morning

Y/N: Good morning

Haru: Are you free this week to study?

Y/N: Hmm, I'll have to check my schedule but I'll let you when when I'm free!

Ever since exchanged numbers with Haru, you didn't really expect much of him to contact you aside and you knew yourself you weren't going to be the one to start conversation but to your surprise, the two of you have been texting each other time to time. Whether it's Haru popping in to ask how you're doing, or to tell you the weather is nice, you slowly started to find yourself feeling more at ease around him. Well, that is when it comes to texting. Seeing him in person, you would still feel a little timid but you have definitely realized that you've loosen up, though you were still not completely used to this feeling. Gou was bouncing off the walls when you told her what you did and she couldn't be any more proud of you and you had to admit, you were proud of yourself too because what you did was way out of your comfort zone, yet you were able to accomplish it. It was almost natural that you would walk to his class when you're on break and he would walk to yours when he's on break. On occasions where the two of you would bump into each other on days were both your breaks collided, the two of you would sit on a platform park bench near the garden. The garden has become one of your favorite places on campus for very obvious reasons.

Haru: The weather is nice today, would you let to meet up at the garden?

Y/N: Sure! I'll meet you there after class

You got up to pack your things when Makoto approached from the the end of the row. You found out recently that he was in your class, as he was a bit ahead in his credits. There was no surprise that you were more comfortable around Makoto as he radiating such a warming personality so interacting with him was much easier.

"Good afternoon, Y/N." His lips curled up into his usual soft smile. "How's your day going?"

"It's good. The weather is really nice today which makes everything better." You returned the smile as he opened the doors for you. "Do you have class next?"

He shook his head, "Nope, my next class got cancelled because something came up with the professor so I'm done for today, you?" The two of you walked the alleyway as you made your way to meet Haru.

"I'm on break for about an hour until my next class." You told him as he hummed a response. The two of you enjoyed warm spring weather in silent.

"Would you like to grab coffee or-" He was cut off when the two of you approached Haru who was sitting on one of the wooden platforms. You gave him a smile and a small wave, walking towards him. Haru's eyes travelled behind you which a somewhat surprised expression that Makoto was with you. "Hey Haru." You sat in the middle as he naturally took a seat beside you.

"Hey." You glanced over at him where it looked like he confused. "I didn't know you were coming with Makoto."

"Oh, we just had class together and he didn't have class afterwards." You explained as he quietly looked down on the floor. You were feeling some weird tension in the air.

"What's wrong Haru?" Makoto tilted his head, looking at his sadden friend. "Are you feeling unwell?" He glances over at you when he asked.

"Unwell?" Your face was filled with worry as you unconsciously touched his shoulder, trying to see his complexion. Haru tiled his head up to look at you in surprise as you realized what you did, quickly retrieving you hand. "I'm sorry." You clenched your hands, bringing it to your chest as you cheeks started to redden. Haru's eye widens before he returns to looking down.

"No, I'm fine." Makoto quietly watches this interaction and he couldn't help but to smile.

He lets out a chuckle. "I'm sorry, Haru." The two of you turned to look at the male who's smiling uncontrollably. "I just ruined the mood, didn't I?" The two of you looked at each other blankly. "You wanted to spend some time alone with Y/N."

You looked at Makoto who let out a chuckle before standing up. Haru lifted his head to look at his childhood friend. "That wasn't-" Haru tried to speak up before he was interrupted by Makoto's sigh.

"Well, I guess I'll head home earlier today." You looking over your shoulder, trying to get a glimpse of Haru's expression but you were too confused on trying to figure out what was going to notice Haru's burning ears. "I'll see you next time, Y/N." He smiled at you as you waved. "I'll text you." He winked at Haru before taking his leave. The awkward silenced filled the spring air as neither of you spoke.

Haru cleared his throat. "That was weird of Makoto." You nodded quietly, looking around at the flowers around you. "I didn't know you and Makoto had class together."

"Really?" You turned to look at him, with your head tilted. You would expect the two best friends to share information like this. "I thought he told you." Haru shook his head.

"Now I regret dropping that course." He whispered to himself but you were able to catch what he said as your heart started to race. Would things be different if he ended up not dropping the course? You tried to calm your racing heart from your imaginary thoughts. "It's so nice that we're finally some more sun." He moved to the middle of the platform before laying on his back, looking up to the afternoon sky.

You laid down, joining him quietly as you looking up to see the birding fly around tree to free. "It's nice with the breeze." You enjoyed the calm silence when you cautiously turned your head to see that Haru had his eyes closed, drifting into a nap. You quietly sat up and couldn't help but to stare at his sleeping expression. He's soft breathing with the wind lightly blowing through his hair, it was definitely a sight. His brows furrowed as he turned a bit. The sunlight must be in his face. You scoot up, closer to his head, raising your hand over his face to block the light, his brows relaxed as you giggled at his cute actions. You pulled your knees up towards your chest, resting your elbow on top of your knee so it wouldn't be too tiring for you as you continued to admire his features.

₊‧.°.⋆💭•˚₊‧⋆.

Haru napped for about 15 minutes before he shuffled a bit, slowly fluttering his eyes opened and to his surprise, you have drifted into sleep in the position where you where trying to block the sunlight from Haru's face. He realized the reason for your awkward position and couldn't help but to smile at your small yet meaningful actions. Your other hand was resting beside him as he slowly reached out, ever so softly gazing his fingers over ours, being careful not the wake you. He knew that if he woke you up, you'll be too embarrassed to try taking another nap. Your eyes fluttered opened as you tried to adjust your eyesight to the light. You saw that Haru was staring directly at you with a soft smile as your heart almost jumped out of it's chest. "I was able to have a nice nap thanks to you helping me cover the sun." You realized your hand and quickly pulled it back, resulting in Haru suddenly being exposed the bright light. He groaned sitting up to cover his eyes are you frantically apologized, gently touching his shoulders.

"I'm so sorry!"

He laughs. "It's all good. I was just playing with you." He dropped his hands. "Are you okay? Your cheeks are a little red." He leans in to you but you quickly moved back a little, covering you face with your arm.

"No, I'm all good!" You said quickly. "Are you sure that you're okay? Makoto mentioned that you looked unwell." You tried changing the subject.

He shook his head. "Makoto was just teasing me as per usual. I'm all good." He glanced his at phone before picking up both your bags. "We should get going before you're late for your next class." You stumbled to stand up and get down from the platform before hurrying beside Haru, trying to get your bag back but he insists on holding it. He handed you your bag as the two of you waited the for the remaining students to leave the room. "Just when we were talking about how nice the weather is, it decides to rain..." He sighs as you peered over him, seeing the weather forecast displayed on his phone. It was raining for the remaining week and all of next week. You dug in your bag, seeing if you brought your umbrella. "Do you have an umbrella?"

Scrambling in your bag, you failed to find your umbrella. "I must've forgotten it at home. But it's okay, I'll be on the subway and bus for majority of the time so it shouldn't be a problem." you reassured him but it didn't seem to stop him from taking off his jacket, giving you to you. "But-"

"Makoto is driving me home." He smiled. You gave him a small smile before nodding. "I'll get going. Get home safely!" You waved goodbye as you stared at the jacket around your arms.

₊‧.°.⋆💭•˚₊‧⋆.

Maybe you and the rain just never got along. Or maybe you so happened to have the worst luck when it comes to the rain but after class, it was pouring outside. You paused to look at the jacket Haru gave you, hesitating on wearing it to run to the station but seeing how the distance wasn't too far, you stuffed his jacket in your bag before taking a run for it. You underestimated the rain as you become completely soaked from just a short distance. You arrived home, shivering from your wet clothes that made everything colder. The following days, your umbrella broke from the strong wind as you were left yet again, running in the rain to school. As expected, this lead to you falling sick as you struggled with a runny nose and a sore throat. However, that didn't stop you from coming to school as you knew attendance as important in your classes. You haven't found the chance to return Haru's jacket as it became your new chair décor, and you definitely didn't want to get him sick, so you thought it's best to wait until you recover before returning it.

You have already gone through a box of tissues and it hasn't even been noon yet. Every time you opened your mouth to speak, you were disrupted by continuous coughing. "I really think you should go home, Y/N." Makoto's voice was full of worry as he turned to see your ill expression. Ever since you got sick, Gou would always stop by at your house, dropping off congee and medication knowing that you're too weak to make food and was always too forgetful to take medication. However, her classes had upcoming assignments and projects so she asked Makoto to take her role.

"I can't miss the next couple classes. The professor mentioned how important the material is since it's going to be on the midterm." You blew your nose followed by a cough.

Your excuse didn't seem to convince him as only become even more worried. "What class is it? I'll take notes for you."

"No no, you don't need to. Plus, it's when you also have class and I don't want you to miss them to help me."

He paused for a second, trying to think of something. "How about Haru? I think he mentioned that he doesn't have class when you do on certain days."

"No!" You blurted. His eyes widen from your suddenly raised voice. "I mean, I don't want to bother him. I've bothering you and Gou enough."

"Does Haru know you're sick?" You shook your head, asking Makoto to keep it quiet since it's nothing that needs to be told. He hesitated a bit, before agreeing but he's eyes couldn't leave your unwell figure, especially when Haru doesn't know about it

₊‧.°.⋆ 2 days later ₊‧.°.⋆

To your surprise, you were still functioning despite your condition worsening. You were getting the cold sweats but today was one of the last class before the exam, meaning that no matter what condition you're in, you must attend it if you want to pass the course. You dragged yourself out bed, chug a glass of water with your medication and headed out, slowly wobbling your way to the bus stop. You were awfully tired and dizzy today that didn't stop you from arriving to class as you took a seat near the back. You rested your head on the table to take a nap as you were still early. You were too tired to even hear the door open and the students entering as the class started to fill. Your head jerked up to the sound of your professor's voice through the mic as you quickly scanned the room, seeing if anyone saw your embarrassing act. Looking beside you, you almost fell off your seat when you saw Haru sitting beside you.

"What are you doing here?" You whispered as he typed away on his laptop.

"Taking notes." He didn't turn to look at you as you rubbed your eyes, making sure you're not dreaming.

"But you're not even in this class?"

"I know. I'm taking notes for you." You looked down, feeling guilty that he's here on his break while he could be study and the fact that Makoto broke his promise. He was gonna hear an earful from you when you recover.

"You don't have-"

"Shh. I'm trying to listen. Go take your nap." He cuts you off as you have no choice but to listen to what he said. You went back to your nap as he turned to look at you with nothing but concern. He gently tapped your shoulder as your head shot up too fast as you were hit with dizziness. "The class is over." You looked around the empty class room before glancing at your phone. Your next class starts in a few minutes. You hurryingly packed your bag, making your way out the door when Haru got a hold of your wrist. "Where are you going?"

"To my next class, I'm going to be late!" You tried shaking off his grip.

"In a state like that?" Maybe it's because you were already so tired and weak, your temper was starting to cut short as well. "You won't be able to focus. I really think you should go home and rest."

"I can't." You closed your eyes, trying to not let your emotions take over.

Haru sighs. "You're really putting your academics over your health right now? Don't you think you're pushing yourself too much right now, Y/N?"

"Haru." You said sternly. It was too late to get a hold of your emotions. "I'll have you know that I know my body and myself more than you and anyone else so please, don't tell me what to do. I thank you for your concern but that course and the grade means a lot to me. Please let me go." Haru looked into your eyes before loosening his grip. He watched you leave, feeling a little hurt by what you said.

You walked out of class, feeling a huge headache forming in your forehead as you pushed yourself to your next class.

₊‧.°.⋆💭•˚₊‧⋆.

It has been a couple of days since you went to school as your body and at it's limit. After Gou's long, long, long nagging and scolding, you finally listened to her and stayed home. However, you had to make up for the messed class and material so during your time at home, you would listen to the recorded lectures, even though Gou threatened you not to, but how would she know if she's at school when you're at home? There were a couple of times when she came to visit out of the blue while you were study as you jumped into bed, pretending you were laying there the whole day.

Today however, felt like one of the worst days of all. Your whole body ached where even the slightest movement made you groan in pain. You managed to crawl out of bed, popping your medication before flopping back into bed, curling up in bed. Gou hasn't visit to as she normally would for the past few days with food and medication but reaching for your phone to text her could cause too pain as your laid there, with a growling stomach as you stared up to the celling. The conversation of you and Haru from several days ago replayed in your head when you come to realize what you. Your groaned, regretting every word that let your mouth. This was one of the reasons why you hated acting on an impulse. You felt like the worst human being knowing that Haru was only saying what's best for you and all you did was push him down. You needed to apologize to him as soon as possible when your condition is better. You need to make sure that it was all a misunderstanding before he drifts away from you again. Your overthinking made you slowly drift away into slumber.

The lock pad of your door unlocked but you haven fallen into deep slumber. The door slowly opens as Haru peaks his head in, wondering why it was awfully quiet when he saw you sleeping. He carefully closed the door behind him before placing several bags in the kitchen, tippy toeing his way to you. He kneeled beside your bed, taking a closer look at your furrowed brows as you slept in pain. His heart shattered into pieces when he saw the state you were in and how hopeless he as been in the past several days, too afraid to send you a message. He cautiously brushed out the hairs in your face before heading to the kitchen, cooking you fish and ginger congee as quietly as possible. Thankfully, the medication was able to knock you out through Haru's not so quiet cooking. He separated the congee into several containers, letting it cool before he places them in the fridge. He found himself looking around your studio apartment, especially your desk that was filled with scattered notes and books everywhere. His head was only filled with thoughts of how hardworking you were, not matter what state you're in. Maybe he crossed his boundaries if what he said the other day. Maybe he thought that you felt that he was doubting and looking down on your capabilities. Gou texted you earlier this morning, telling Haru that she was suppose to stop by your place to see how you're doing but something urgent came up as she couldn't make it, passing on the responsibility to him. Haru didn't hesitant as he immediately agreed. He wanted to see you. He wanted to apologize.

Your groans pulled him back to reality as he turned to see you with furrowed brows and heavy breathing. Taking a closer look, he saw that you were sweating profusely and your cheeks with tint. The back of his hand gently touched your forehead and neck. You were burning up with a fever. Quickly making his way to your bathroom, he rushed out with a damp towel, helping your wipe of the sweat before ripping open a cooling gel patch from his bag, gently placing on your forehead. Taking a seat beside your bed, he observed your features. Unknowingly, his hand reached to touch your finger tips that was extended out from the blankets. He jumped a bit when you gripped on to his hand. You must be dreaming in your sleep. You started to mumbled as Haru leaned in, trying to figure out what you were saying.

"I'm trying hard..." He heard you mumbled. "Don't...Drift..." He looked at you in confusion. Were you having a nightmare? "Do it... Don't overthink..." He didn't know what you were dreaming about but he felt like he should stay with you. At least until the nightmare passes.

₊‧.°.⋆💭•˚₊‧⋆.

You woke up the next morning, feeling somewhat more functional than yesterday. You weakly got out of bed, dragging your feet to the bathroom to brush your teeth and freshen up. You took a look at yourself in the mirror when you noticed a gel patch on your forehead. You didn't remember putting that there or owning on. Maybe Gou placed it on you yesterday when she visited. Walking back out and passing the kitchen to your desk, you saw a white bag with a sticky note attached to it.

Good morning Y/N, I hope you're feeling better. Gou had something urgent yesterday and asked me to stop by instead. I'm sorry for my sudden visit without letting you know. I made some congee for you in the fridge so please warm it up to eat. I also left a white bag with some medication and cooling patches if you do need them. Get well soon. Haru.

You almost fell to the ground from reading the note. Out of all the days Haru had to visit, it had to be the day when you looked like an absolute mess. You tried to recall any moments of Haru from last night but you were too deep in sleep to remember anything. Opening the fridge, you saw the containers of congee as you took one out and popped it in the microwave to heat it up. You took a bite, very impressed by his cooking. He didn't look like someone with much cooking skill but you were pleasantly surprised by the congee he made. You smiled, finishing up the congee before heading to your desk, starting your study session when your eyes landed on a particular note.

You're doing amazing Y/N! Remember to take a break, stretch and look at the greenery!

Looking back at the sticky note from the bag, you could tell it was Haru's handwriting. You couldn't help but to chuckle at his cute actions, reaching out to your phone, typing away a thank you text when your finger halted over the send button, suddenly remember your harsh words. Even after hurting Haru's feelings, why did he still come? You hesitated on sending the message before clicking the backspace. A message isn't going to be enough. You needed to recover quickly so that you could see Haru and apologize to him.

₊‧.°.⋆💭•˚₊‧⋆.

You obediently took your medication and eat your meals as you got better in no time. While recovering and up until you have recovered, Haru hasn't sent you any messages. You haven't seen in around campus, even at times when the two of you would meet up. It was like everything returned back to normal. The normal without Haru and you didn't like that kind of normal. You would searching around the building after class, running out of buildings to the garden, hoping to see Haru walking to his next class or anywhere but it was almost like he never existed. It was almost like he drifted away from you. Disappeared from you. All you could think about was seeing Haru but it was almost like the more you thought about him, the more less you'll see him and you didn't like the unsettling feeling. The weather was finally getting better after all the rain but you couldn't even enjoy it anymore. Not without Haru.

You were walking down the garden after your final class of the day, seeing that it was filled with more people with the flowers starting to bloom. Smiles with all around as people chattered happily, snapping pictures of the spring weather while you walking down the pathway in gloom. Trying to pass the crowd of people, your eyes wondered to the platform bench in the distance where you shared one of your most precious memories with Haru. There was someone sitting alone at the bench but you couldn't tell how it was from their back. You tried leaning to the sides as you walked pass people, freezing at your steps when you saw the person's familiar clothing. It was Haru's favorite jacket that he was wearing. He was sitting on the edge of the bench, looking up at the sky. What if it isn't Haru and just someone else with the same jacket? With if Haru doesn't want to see you? What will you say when you see him? What is there to say?

Stop. You shook your head frantically, trying to stop overanalyzing and planning out every possible solution. You managed to pull your feet off the ground and started pushing through the crowd. "Wait." Why did it look like he was fading away? "Wait!" You yelled, hoping that he could hear you as you continuing pushing your way through the crowd. He stood up and pick up his bag. "Haru!" You yelled, finally getting out of the crowd and ran to the bench in the corner. You made it on time. You stood in front of him, heaving as you caught your breath. He stood there dumbfounded by your sudden appearance. "I made it..." You managed to get out in between your breaths.

"Y/N? What are you-" Your body moved on it's own as walked up to him before pulling him into a hug. Haru was so caught off guard he didn't know what to do. Especially knowing that this isn't something you usually do. He hesitated before wrapping his arms around your waist, his lips curving up into a smile.

"I'm just as confused as you are." You blurted out. You didn't want to let go, not when you're a blushing mess. "But I feel like if I don't let my impulses lead me, I'll regret it." You tightly shut your eyes from your cringy lines, feeling his hand softly pat your head. He lets go, wanting to see your face. As ashamed as you already feel, you forced yourself to face him. "Thank you for everything, and I'm sorry for what I said before." His eyes were filled with tender and love as he looked down at yours. He slowly lowered his face to yours, inching closer and closer before you closed your eyes, feeling his soft lips against yours. He pulled you closer to him as he deepened the kiss. You heart was pounding so loud, you were pretty sure he could hear but this moment was too beautiful to be ruined. You rested his forehead against yours, smiling as you were still somewhat shocked at what just happened.

"You said that if you don't let my impulse lead me, I'll regret it right?" You could feel your whole face burning up. "Well, I let mine lead me just now." You couldn't help but to chuckle at how slick he could be.

"I like you." You smiled. He raised an eyebrow. "Was that on an impulse?". You rolled your eyes, giving him a playful slap on the shoulder.

👈 prev

#haruka nanase #nanase haruka #haruka x reader #haruka nanase x reader #nanase haruka x reader #haru x reader #haru nanase #free! reader #free! anime #free! imagines #free! scenarios #free! anime x reader #free! iwatobi swim club

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lilunaire · 28 days

Note

How's twbos coming along? Any teasers maybe :b? No pressure 🙏

TEASER 9 - CH.10 TIL WE BURN OUR SKINS

It's going quite well actually ! But as I said in last chapter note, chapters are getting bigger and bigger so it takes wayyyy more time than before. I think i'm currently at 40% and hopes i'll reach 70% by the end of this week, and post it in two weeks (max 3 weeks).

Here, get two teasers :) They are respectfully from the two most voted propositions.

Enjoy ♡

(teasers below the line)

Teaser 1 🕯️🩰

Still without looking, closing her eyes, she turns back to Miles. She can feel him approaching her but still jumps a little when he grabs both of her hands. She feels him guide her to the center of the room before he stops her. She hears his footsteps fading away, before classical music plays in the room. A waltz, to be precise. And not just any waltz.

“That wouldn't be a good night without music, right?"

She finally opens her eyes and he is back in front of her, his left hand extended forward. “May I have this dance?" It's her turn to smile and laugh like an idiot as she grabs his hand, and places the other on the back of his neck.

His hand rests on the hollow of her waist, he murmurs the tempo and they leave.

When she thinks about it, salsa isn't that different from waltzing. It's more rhythmic, with more freedom in the movements, but she feels the same things. The biggest change is that here they take their time. He twirls her, and the skirt of her dress does the same.

“You remembered it, she pointed out as he pulled her back towards him. — How could I forgot that?"

Her smile goes ear-to-ear, and her heart warms when she hears it. He can only melt when he sees her beautiful smile once again.

Teaser 2 🛏️💋 CW : very slightly implied """sexual""" content

So there she is, squeezing her thighs and rubbing them, trying to get rid of the heat in her lower abdomen, and to comfort herself by clinging to him. She could go to the bathroom and take care of her problem, but it was like her body couldn't do without the young man. She knew it was useless, so why get even more frustrated?

His face is turned towards her, and he looks so serene when he sleeps. She becomes sad knowing that this was not always the case, feeling guilty for not coming to sleep with him more often. Her right hand approaches him and gently traces his features. He sniffles and a small grin instinctively forms, but he still doesn't wake up.

She slides her finger over the bridge of his nose and she feels fuzzy inside when she hears him whisper her name in his sleep. She stops for a few seconds, by fear of breaking his well-deserved rest, but resumes when his face relaxes again.

After several minutes of observing him from all angles, she still doesn't feel tired, but rather bored. She decides to continue some household chores, as silently as possible. It would be better than doing nothing, right?

She leaves the embrace gently, and he groans at the loss of contact and warmth. She leaves their bedroom silently, on tiptoe, and goes to the living room, where a large quantity of clothes, now dry, is waiting to be folded. She also thinks about the other part of clean laundry that she hadn't even been able to hang out because of lack of space.

She empties the dryer and collects the second half, still wet, in the washing machine, and begins to hang it out in the greatest silence. Well, if you exclude Gwanda who considered she was not receiving enough attention at more than two in the morning, meowing in agony.

Gwen is forced to scratch her back and the underside of her chin while hanging the wet cloth with one hand. Not an easy task… Fortunately, this ends up calming the kitten who leaves and curls up on the table for yet another nap. She can finally move on to folding laundry. She's not sure how long she takes, maybe forty-five minutes? But just after she finished folding the laundry, when she had started to dry some wet dishes, she hears Miles shouting her name and hurried footsteps heading towards the main room.

#ghostflower #lilu's writing #til we burn our skins #teaser #gwen x miles #miles x gwen

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asterekmess · 8 months

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A Bit of a Conundrum

I've been waffling about this for a long time, and as I've already vented about it to my discord, I wanted to open it up to a possibly larger audience of my readers. And also complain about it more. XD I write. A lot. I have. A LOT of writing. We're talking like more than 2 dozen wips sitting in my google docs, some with 14k, some with 114k words in them. Some with a specific ending in mind, some with no plot beyond what's already written. Fuck dude, some aren't even Sterek/TW! I was fortunate enough to have someone go on my ko-fi and do a monthly donation to me for a few months. They stopped, which I'll never be mad at, but having them there at all, having someone say "I'd like to support your writing just for the sake of supporting it" meant a huge amount to me, and it made me think about all of my wips.

I don't post often, or regularly, or..well at all, for months and months at a time. This is because I almost only ever post fics when they're done. it's a personal rule of mine, and not one I used to follow when i first started writing fic. It's one I came up with shortly after finishing "Wanted" bc I felt terrible and pressured when I had to take breaks during that fic and when I couldn't keep up with a regular schedule for people. And for a long time it was a good rule for me. It helped me not to feel pressured or overwhelmed by the worry of abandoning a project on ao3 and getting bombarded with comments asking where the next chapter is. But as I've continued writing over the years, my wips have gotten more numerous, while my posted work continues to trickle in. I'm a chronic long-fic writer (though my currently posted fics don't reflect that), which means it takes way more time for me to finish a fic than it does for me to get distracted coming up with a NEW idea for a fic. It's hard to finish work. But that doesn't mean I don't love my wips. They're incredible. Some of them contain some of the best stuff I feel I've ever written. Poignant words and phrases and meaningful moments. And looking around at them, I realized that anyone who goes to support me on my ko-fi, or considers following me on Ao3, or even just subscribes to a series, isn't really getting to see what I"m actually doing. They see a fic posted every 9 months, or every year. There's no real indication that anything they do is helping me regularly, that they're even supporting a Current Active writer. In light of that, I've been considering starting to post wips of mine. The problems with that are numerous and a bit overwhelming, hence wanting to hear others' opinions and vent about it ad nauseum. I've got lots of wips, and if I were to start posting them, I wouldn't want to toss the whole wip out at once. But posting a chapter at a time every few days or even once a week, while it would mean a lot of content coming out, it would be a lot of content that I haven't finished. Cliffhanger chapters, and unfinished stories that I can't promise would ever be finished. And I know I don't owe my readers anything, but it's still unsatisfying to post something without an ending. Then there's the absolute overload of possibly too Much content for people. Getting an e-mail every other day about a new chapter for a fic you've no interest in reading isn't fun. And on top of all that, is the editing. Often when I'm struggling with a fic, I find that i need to go back and change the beginning. In honesty, part of why I wait to post until I'm finished with fics is bc semi-regularly I'll get to the end of a fic, go back to the beginning and edit it all over again to make it more cohesive. To me there is no such thing as a 'finished' chapter. only a finished fic. If I posted as I wrote, then I'd either not be able to go back and edit chapters, or if I DID go back and edit my chapters, they would then need updated, and people who'd read the first 4 chapters of something would end up needing to reread the fic to get the full sense of what I'm doing. But at the same time, posting my wips would mean finally getting to share some stuff that's been gathering dust for years in some cases, finally getting to see people's reactions to them. Finally getting to know that even if I don't end up finishing it, at least people can enjoy what's already been written. And of course, finally getting to show people that when they support me through donations or comments or what-have-you, they're supporting an Active writer, supporting work being made every day, even if it's not FINISHED every day. All of these things are stuff I'm trying to take into consideration, and it's been a hell of a struggle. Plus, as I'm unfortunately trying to manage doing a part-time job rn, just getting up the energy for this stuff is a big BIG task.

If you've got any thoughts or strategic ideas, I'd love to hear them. If not, s'all good, I mostly just wanted to vent. XD

#personal #rant #writing talk #fic talk #personal writing promotion

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fbwzoo · 8 months

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Dog & cat updates!

Emma: is now actively asking for and enjoying pets almost daily from me and Jack! She occasionally enjoys pets from Joel & Arte as well. I've been starting to touch her legs and paws a bit more too, but without pushing too hard. We're going to see about having her sedated for her upcoming exam so it'll be less stressful & we can get all the things done - she needs a vaccine, plus nail trim and teeth check.

Oh, and she's basically finished potty training herself! She goes out both dog doors on her own now, though she still waits on us to let them out when we're home. But basically no accidents when we're gone now!

Addy: We've had her in weekly swim lessons at a local indoor dog pool for about 2 months now. She's doing so good with it!! She still doesn't entirely like it, but she cooperates, and we're pretty certain it's really been helping her legs. She really stretches them out well in the water, and even with a couple wipe-outs in that time frame, she hasn't been as sore or hurt herself in them. Joel & I have set up a schedule to get back to dog walks now that it's cooled off again, so I'll be able to observe her more then too.

Spring: Nothing new with the boy. He's still a good boy, good brother, and he's happy to just chill with everyone and go with the flow. He's such a good dog!

Phoebe: FAT. 😫 I slacked off a lot on monitoring cat food for the summer and ooof, it shows. They've both put on weight, but especially Phoebe. I'm getting back on track with that now & anxious about getting scolded by their vet. We were supposed to go the opposite direction with this after their last vet visit... sigh. Plus side, she's really not had any asthma attacks recently. Also she randomly decided Joel got Bebe Time??? That's the first time she's done it with someone besides me in 3 years!

Shilo: DECIDED TO SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF US & HIMSELF LAST WEEK. We had a plumber over to fix the washer. He was thought to be hiding, but not directly located, so when he got scared by the plumber going to the basement, he panicked, couldn't get into the main house, and ran out the garage door. He was out for around 15 hours, we're pretty sure he found a hiding spot and hunkered down. But stressed the hell out of the whole house for that whole afternoon/night. I slept on the couch and we left the run doors open, and I blocked Phoebe in my room so the dog doors could be left open too. I got up a couple times to go out and call for him. Around 3:30, I woke up, thinking I heard him. Called his name, he answered, and turned out to be on the back of the couch next to me. RELIEF.

He has a couple scratches on his head, which isn't a big surprise given the number of outside cats on our street, but he's otherwise fine. He hid in my closet for the first two days except for when I was home & in my room. Very mama's boy. But he's been recovering from the stress & settling back in now over the weekend. We're still watching him very closely for this next week or two, as he's had a stress cystitis episode once before & we're expecting he very well may do so from this too.

#fbw rambles #my pets #Addy pup #springy pup #Emma pup #phoebe kitty #Shilo kitty

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editorialsonlife · 8 months

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22.08.23

Well well well

I'm 2 weeks into 2.5 weeks of stress leave from the office while I try and get myself together again and man has it been a super needed break from the office and all its toxicity. It's been so good to be able to catch up on sleep and have some slow days and have some super good girlfriend time which has been sorely lacking as of late.

I spent all of Saturday catching up with Freya who is the queen of reinvention and so good to talk to and so reassuring Her and Laurence have lived so many lives and careers paths and its so nice to hear from people who have done it and what's been good and what's been bad and how she's navigated it and for someone who really struggles with being decisive in this kind of stuff it was just great to catch up.

I caught up with Lynaire briefly on Sunday and went and saw an open home as well which was fun. house was terrible but it's nice to be like, poking around the edges and seeing what might be out there for when we move I guess. Still don't know how finances are going to work out for everything but we'll see as time goes on I guess.

I spent this morning in bed brainstorming all the big questions that I have that are just sitting out there and stressing me out and emptied them onto a page. I linked together the common themes ones into to do lists and health and money and tomorrow I need to tackle the work stuff as well and come up with a bit of a plan there about how things are going to change when I go back and where other people need to step in to help and step up and do their jobs so I'm not covering everything while they're being shit.

I came up with a mini to do list under each of the headings so I know what my next little baby steps are and then wrote a list of all the things that are outside of my control as well - what I can't control, what I can influence but not decide and what is just going to have to wait as well so there's that.

I've set up a couple of APs into different bank accounts to save me some money for an emergency fund (somehow I'm 33 and still never had one) and I'll rebuild all my holiday savings budgets and our mortgage account budget and write them down so I can be confident in them and start tracking against them. I know this is probably a double up with YNAB anyway but I'll feel better about it so I'm gunna do it anyway. I need to go to the bank to set up some more accounts in our joint account for stuff as well so I'll get that sorted too. Need to pay the truck registration and get a new headlamp put in it as well (snore). adulthood man.

I've also deleted instagram off my phone to try and curb the time wastage and scrolling. Likely just means I'm gunna read more smutty novels on kindle unlimited but oh well LOOOOOLLLLLL.

I've been seeing a different counsellor as well who I don't love but has been useful. I know I need to work on setting better boundaries in just about every aspect of my life so I need to clock on and do that. Classic me I got a couple of books to read on the topic so we'll see how those go.

One of the really nagging questions that keeps hanging round and I keep circling back to is 'When is it all enough?'. and Enough in everything - when have I earnt enough money, when have I climbed the career ladder enough, when have I delivered enough, when will I ever be enough. So that's one of the things I really need to work my way through. I spent some time this morning writing down all the ways that I have enough already - and it just became a really nice gratitude list so I'm going to keep doing that a bit more often I think. and try and remember to build in some little celebrations at work as well for things that I've covered.

Contemplating quitting the current job to go and be a programme coordinator with my friend Katherine. Would be the same money mostly but way less responsibility and more flexibility. I feel bad ditching work when the boss has been good to me but also, if nothing changes then nothing changes and I'll be back to being a burnt out mess pretty quickly tbh. Unideal. I think we'll just have to see how we go overall once I'm back. September is going to be an interesting month I think.

Ok that's enough of a brain dump for now I think byeeeeeeeeee

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i-got-a-bad-feeling-about-this · 2 years

Text

Together (Space Mark X GN Reader)

Chapter 4

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

Summary- When you wake up again you are quickly thrown back into being the captain. You also have to deal with the fact you are on bed rest for the next couple of days. You also have to deal with the fact that Burt now knows about whatever is going on between you and Mark.

TWs- mentions of stitches, still in medbay (Hospital), CC being kinda an asshole. 1044 words

update- So only a couple days until I met my long-distance s/o for the first time after a year and a half! I'm so excited. Though I won't be writing when they are up here I have some stuff queued up for this week/ weekend. I don't know if I'll have the next chapter done this weekend! I'm going on vacation a week after my s/o leaves, but I'll probably write there lol. Just updates lol.

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No Real spoilers for ISWM part 1 or 2 but may change as the story goes on, so check for spoiler warnings!!!!

The next time you woke up in the med bay, it wasn't as nice as the first time You heard the voices of CC and Gunther arguing over something and the buzz of the medics working. You let out a small groan, and the arguing stopped as they went to look at you.

You opened your eyes and winced a bit. Once your eyes adjusted to the light you looked around and saw your crew leads. The first person you saw was Mark who sat on the edge of your bed, holding your hand. Then your eyes trailed over to where Gunther leaned on the bedside table, CC right across from him. At the foot of your bed was Burt being Burt.

“You feeling okay captain?” Mark asked softly, gripping your hand.

“Yeah, I feel a lot better. Though I do still have my headache, Though I think I have it because I woke up to arguing” You answered giving a look to Gunther and CC.

Gunther looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. CC turned bright red and quickly said,

“I am so sorry captain, I just needed to get through Gunther's thick head that we can't-” she stopped when you raised your other hand.

“It’s fine, just try not to yell at each other in Med bay. You could disturb the other patients.”

you said and they nodded. You then looked at Mark,

“How's everyone else? I saw quite a few people injured before I went out,” you asked, He smiled. Well, that was a good sign.

“Nothing too serious, the worst case was a few broken bones and CC’s hypothermia, but as you can see she's feeling fine.” You nodded with a small smile,

“Good, I'm glad you're okay CC.” You said and she quickly replied with a thank you.

“What's the state of the ship?” you asked. You trusted your crew leads, but things could happen.

“Everything is working and everything is on schedule, Glad you're okay Captain ” Burt answered, and you gave a smile to him.

“Well, I’m glad you guys didn't burn down the ship while I was out. Good job guys, I'm very proud of all of you.” You complimented them.

“Of course cap’n, you get some rest and we'll take care of everything else,” Gunther stated with an unlit cigar in his mouth (They wouldn't let him light it in medical).

The head doctor walked up to your little group. She cleared her voice, getting everyone's attention.

“Well good news is that you don't have a concussion, Bad news is that we had to give you stitches for your head wound. “She said, closing the notebook.

“It’d be best if you rest and stay here for a few days so we can keep an eye on those stitches. If it would be more comfortable we could move you to your quarters.” She explained. You nodded your head,

“If possible I’d like to be moved to my quarters. Thank you, doctor.” You answered as she nodded and moved on. You let out a small sigh.

“So it looks like I’ll be bed-bound for a bit. I’ll still be able to do remote work, but for anything else, I’ll have you report to Mark. He has the same security clearance as me.” You explained. You saw Mark beamed with the pride of you trusting him so much. CC had a confused and surprised look on her face.

“Captain, you can’t be serious. “ She said. You raised an eyebrow replying,

“I am dead serious Celcionna, Mark is my right hand and I trust him with my life. I expect you all to treat him the same way you treat me.”

You had a stern look on your face, hand gripping mark’s as a surprised (but happy) expression fell on his face. CC's eyes widened and she looked away. You only used her full name when you were pissed and she knew this. She lowered her head and mumbled,

“Yes, captain.” You nodded and looked over at Mark as the others started to leave the room. Burt winked at you both and closed the privacy curtains on his way out.

You looked at Mark with a confused look, He had a sheepish smile and said,

“Burt found me cuddled up next to you in the bed. I was able to get him to promise not to tell anyone, but only after he gave me a 30-minute monologue about love.” He ended with a small laugh, which you joined.

You both came to a stop as you met eyes. He moved closer, placing a hand on your cheek.

“I’m glad your okay captain.” He softly stated, rubbing your cheeks. You smiled and leaned into him.

“Thanks for coming to my rescue handsome,” you replied, a bright blush covering his face. He grinned,

“Always for you captain.” he softly stated. You took his hand from his face and held it in yours. You rubbed your thumb over his knuckles. You shyly looked away before saying,

“You know I wouldn't have minded if Burt had told a few people.” Mark let out a soft laugh,

“ I don’t think Burt could only tell a few people, but.” He hesitated, “ I don’t think I would have minded much, either,” he said. He beamed at you before finishing,

“Though I’d much prefer it if people found out from us.”You turned back to look at him,

“Me too, Mark,” you said before the doctor came back in. Mark stood up from the bed. The doctor and Mark helped you into a wheelchair and moved you to your quarters.

You smiled as you were finally back “Home”. They had moved your normal bed somewhere else and had put the medical bed. The doctor rambled off about things you shouldn't do and what you could do as Mark lifted you into the bed and helped you adjust. You nodded and thanked the doctor and she left.

Now it was just you and Mark alone. You looked up at him as he once again sat down next to you.

“I think it’s about time we talked about us.” You softly said, grabbing Mark’s hand and letting him know you meant no ill intentions. He smiled,

“Yeah, us.”

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flightfoot · 2 years

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Okay. I've been burying this for a while, mainly because I didn't have a place to vent, but I feel I can trust you to try and understand.

I can't be the only one with negative feelings towards Alya right? At first I loved her, she was supportive, caring and more than willing to show some sass to protect her bestie. Then the reveal happened and my opinion of her took a nose dive. I wasn't really thrilled with gang of secrets, I thought they were a bit pushy, but they were worried and I can accept that. Plus with no real clue how time passes in the show it may have been weeks after the break up with Luka and she was still withdrawn so I get why that would be more worrying then it being the next day.

No the real problem was the start of pigeon man 72 and Rocketear. One of her first lines in that episode was "I'm your best friend and a journalist, you weren't going to be able to keep a secret from me." What? It's been months! Six if you believe the movies. So that was an eye roll. Then we hit Rocketear where Alya confesses the whole thing with Rena Furtive to Nino. One week. Couldn't keep it a secret for one week. Worse she didn't even tell Marinette that she told him! I mean it's a good thing she did otherwise she would have been dust in Strike back, and I don't get why Ladybug never told Nino about the whole "she can't wear a miraculous anymore" but that's another thing.

Then I remembered the end of Animan. The girl goes from calling Nino her brother to telling him about Marinette's crush on Adrien. And still doesn't tell Marinette that she did! By the time Puppeteer 2 comes around Alya is still elbowing Nino everytime he goes to far while telling Marinette she's imagining things. Either Nino's a genius and figured it out himself or Alya's lying.

This is way longer then I meant for it to be, sorry, so I won't get into the whole Lila bit or every other little thing I noticed but I am not a fan anymore.

I definitely don't share your negative feelings towards Alya - I literally run an Alya Appreciation blog - but this is at least based on actual things that happened in the show, so I'll try to address them.

I really loved Alya and the girls in Gang of Secrets. Marinette was clearly not okay, she was crying in the bathroom stall and when she came out, pretended to be happy and okay, but it was obviously an act. And she wasn't talking to anyone about it, either. Her friends all trying to talk to her, and just wanting to know that they're there for her, that she needs to open up to someone. Marinette DID need an intervention, she wasn't coping well, and she wasn't opening up on her own. Her friends just wanted her to be okay, and given how interventionist everyone in the show is (VERY MUCH INCLUDING MARINETTE,) that involved going to try to talk to Marinette directly. In any case, I love how at the end of the episode, Alya gently told her she could talk to her if she needed it, and Marinette opened up.

One of her first lines in that episode was "I'm your best friend and a journalist, you weren't going to be able to keep a secret from me."

Is this in the French version or something? Because it wasn't in the English version for either Mr. Pigeon 72 or Rocketear.

As for Alya telling Nino that she's Rena Furtive, I actually liked that a lot. Yeah, she didn't keep it secret very long, but I'm kind of glad she didn't? Her relationship with Marinette isn't the only relationship that matters to her, or is treated as valuable by the show. And Alya was stuck between a rock and a hard place. The more people know a secret, the easier it is for it to get out... but the fewer people know it, the easier it is for misunderstandings to happen, and for the person keeping those secrets to have a breakdown. And this secret IS, first and foremost, ALYA's secret. It's about her secret identity, and she's the main one in danger if it gets out - well, her and her loved ones, as we saw in Sentibubbler.

It's not like Alya told her secret "just because", anyway. It'd helped cause the misunderstanding that led to Nino being akumatized, and yeah, while he said that he'd trust in her more after that, it still would've continued to damage their relationship if she had to keep hidden that she was still helping Ladybug.

Alya telling Nino also served to contrast her approach with Marinette's that season, with how Marinette was keeping everything secret from her own partner, Chat Noir, and the extremely detrimental effects that had on their relationship. Alya's approach was meant to be a contrast to Marinette's own, to show another path - and not necessarily a worse one, either.

As for Animan, Nino and Alya had apparently opened up to each other a lot during that stay in the zoo cage. I mean, Nino talked about being coached by Adrien. So I'm not surprised that Alya also opened up about Marinette having a crush on someone - though I'm getting the sense from the conversation that Alya might not have outright said who, but it was just easy to guess from the context - if only to try to work out what, exactly, happened.

In any case, all of this revolves around Alya's relationship with Marinette, and the assumption that she should prioritize Marinette's feelings, wishes, and not ever pushing Marinette to do anything to change a situation, even for the sake of Marinette's own happiness, and I just... can't get behind that. Alya likes and values Marinette, she's friends with her and wants her to be happy, but Marinette is not the only person who matters in her life, and nor should she be. And also just... these kids are interventionist. Which means that when Alya sees that her friends, like Marinette, are having problems, she tries to do something to help fix it. Which might not be perfect, but just leaving the situation to fester usually doesn't help things, either. And Marinette WILL leave a situation to fester, unless something forces her to see that what she's doing is untenable.

Just... I like to go at it from the mindset of "okay, picture this from Alya's perspective. Make her the main character, and Marinette be defined more as being HER best friend, rather than the other way around. How does that change things?" Because a lot of these things are the kind of stuff that's more accepted for a character, so long as they're the main protagonist, the one the story revolves around and that the audience is supposed to project onto. And logically, in-universe, there's no reason why Marinette should be given any more deference than Alya should - not outside of stuff related to being Ladybug, anyway.

I've been in this fandom since early season 3, and been reading a crapton of Miraculous fanfics since then as well. I've seen Alya made to beat Marinette up, destroy her stuff, and lead the class in terrorizing Marinette in order to give Marinette an excuse to call down whatever new friends she makes on Alya and co., having her celebrity friends publicly shame her, get her blacklisted from all future jobs, or even throw her in prison, if it's one of those "Alya assaults or poisons Marinette" fics. Even milder ones would have Alya, and the class in general, realize that apparently everything good that ever happened to them was because Marinette broke her back providing the school with all of its funding, setting up every fun field trip, and making gifts for everyone constantly with no recompense, and then ruing the day they crossed her and lost everything good in their lives, since Marinette was solely responsible for their well-being and happiness. I've seen Alya screamed at and have the things she values torn away by the people she respected the most, time and time again, on a popular and regular basis, FOR YEARS by her insanely prevalent and loud hatedom.

Any sort of thing that Alya could possibly be called out or demonized for, she has been, over and over and OVER again. There is nothing she could possibly do in the show that would in any way justify even a fraction of what has been done to her by the saltdom. I am gonna defend her whenever possible, because someone needs to.

#ask #ml fandom salt #leave alya alone challenge

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milascenta · 7 months

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22nd of September 11:21pm

I'm sorry for the lack of posts, I've been working on some things, getting tests and just waiting. I'll be able to get some training for a new job my friends do, and that will lead to an actual career, but I have to wait for the course to open up or a two day course that only comes from inside the place, and I'm just waiting for test results for my blood work which should be the start of next month, but then more waiting to see about surgery after that and ugh haha. Just waiting. But at least there's something at the end. Been thinking of starting stream back up since Cyberpunk update and dlc is coming out, update arleady came out and its great, suuuch a good update, but I can't use my facecam for it anymore haha, the update too beafy. Might get a new cpu soon, they're on special at the moment. I'm going to a gig in canberra tomorrow, its going to be one of my last gigs in the band I've decided. This year will be the last, just not what I want anymore been really fun but I've just moved on I guess. We have another gig next Saturday and after that one I'll say something because then we have one last one in november so it will be a big enough gap to say something and leave properly. Chonky's doing good, had a lil upset tummy the other week which was scary, she just wasn't acting herself and being very lethargic, throwing up, almost took her to the vet but she came back around and I was so grateful. Now she's just fine.

Its so great to hear you had a good time at joji and london, I thought you would. I think you deserve it after everything. Flying is such a nightmare, I'm glad you had a weird but great time haha. Having actual food on a plane, I never thought that was possible, I've only ever had like microwave package food or nothing haha. I've only been on like 2 planes though so. You at a goth club is so fitting to me idk why, and I'm glad you met some people to hang with too. That video is so cool and intense. He really puts on a show, having skits and everything, sounds very him tbh haha.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. I have no words, it fucking sucks I hope everything goes ok, Its beautiful to hear your grandparents were together for so long though, very bittersweet. I hate to think of the worst but you will be strong enough to go through anything, you've proven yourself to that. You shouldn't have to of course. I get you with feeling stuck where you are though, and your town being shit. It might not be shit but you've out grown it, I felt the same coming back here too. I'm sure the people around you aren't avoiding you at all, being busy is something hard to deal with and keep up with people. I'm stupid and guilty of it too haha. Just be with her as much as you can, it will be enough and you will be enough.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a short one, I don't have much to say tbh, like I said I'm just waiting around. Its a bit frustrating but its all I really can do. I'll try and start stream up again, I really really want to get back into it, don't know what is blocking me with it. But I'll get through it.

I hope you're doing well, N. I'll write again soon.

"Licking the barrel of a gun, Chewing it like its bubblegum"

#her

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annaphoenix1994 · 8 months

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Ch.109 - The Rileys - Part 1

Previous Chapter - Masterlist 1; Masterlist 2 - Next Chapter

First of the three-part leg of Simon and Kiera's honeymoon!

Author's Note: Again, I'm so sorry for such a late update. My life has been... a rollercoaster. Since my last update, it's unfortunate to say that things did not go as planned. After my final drop off in Colorado, I was desperate to get back to Montana so when I left northern Colorado, my truck broke down close to the Wyoming border with my horse in the trailer as well as my two dogs with me being stranded in the isolated part of northern Colorado. Luckily, I was able to get in touch with my USRider insurance, which covers a tow for both my truck and trailer as well as getting me and my horse somewhere safe until I could get back on the road. The closest shop that could see my truck was in Parker, Colorado, which is south of Denver, so it put me out of my way by three hours. I spent two days in a Super 8 and when I got the call that my truck was fixed, I had to dive into my savings to get it fixed and back on the road. With no new hauls coming back to Montana, I used the rest of my money for fuel to just get home. It took me nearly four days to get home due to a massive storm that came through Kansas and into Colorado the same day I left. To add more fuel to the fire, during my time on the road, I had completely forgotten that my power bill was linked to my debit card - the same debit card that I had to use to get fuel prior to my big trip, so in short my power had been off since July 18th. So not only did I come home to no power in a massive heatwave, I came home to everything in my fridge completely rotten, including a freezer full of beef I had processed last year from my farm. I don't want to ask for help because I'm stubborn and this is my problem I've gotten myself into, but I've contemplated on opening up my tips box on Tumblr as even a dollar helps me out, but to me, having a consistent reader base and constant support goes further than any dollar will, so I'm just grateful that you all love this story as much as I do. Long story put very short, I'm having to start all over again - literally. I really enjoy writing and I think about this story every day and adding to it, but please bear with me if things look sloppy. I know you guys are eager for my updates and I want to give my audience what they want, but it's just been hard these last few weeks and I'm just trying to get back on my feet and on track.

I love you all. Thank you very much for reading. I hope to keep updating as soon as I possibly can! - A <3

Las Vegas, Nevada

"Love, I'm not joking: when we get out of this cab, I want you by my side at all times."

"Aw, come on, babe. I won't go far," She giggled, her eyes glued to the massive structures that lined the Strip. "It'll be fun to get lost in a place like this."

"I'm not having a runaway bride," He arched his brow. "Especially in a town like this."

"Will there be a punishment for an intense game of hide n' seek?"

"Oh yes there will." He arched his brow.

"Hm, sounds like a rule I'd like to break..."

"Love, if I wanted to babysit, I would've brought Johnny."

She laughed, "Bringing Johnny on our honeymoon? Having some extra thoughts there?"

"Absolutely not."

"Mhm... I think you are."

"Those drinks on the plane have been teasing at you, yeah? Sounds like you're the one with additional thoughts that I should be worried about."

"No," She scoffed. "I love Johnny, but like a brother or a pet fish. I'd cry if I had to flush him down the toilet, but I definitely don't want to kiss him!"

Simon couldn't help but laugh as he gazed out the window, seeing the hotel he had booked for two nights before their flight to Birmingham. "I'll take your word for it. We're here."

"Where exactly are we going?" She giggled.

"The hotel, love."

"I know, but which one? There's thirty million in my eyesight." She exaggerated.

"You said you wanted to go to Paris, right?"

"I can't recall," She shrugged playfully before looking towards the Paris Las Vegas hotel. "Is that where we're going?"

"I figured it was better than some cheap motel with complementary bed bugs and moth balls," He replied sarcastically, smirking when she playfully slapped his bicep, her eyes fixated on the many bright lights that made the Las Vegas Strip. "Besides, this place is better than Paris, France. Trust me."

She laughed in agreement, "Oh, I know, babe. Paris in France isn't what it's cracked up to be. This is ten times better."

"I'm glad I picked right, then," He nodded, exiting the cab once the driver had stopped at the front of the hotel, Simon offering his hand to her to help her exit the vehicle before he made his way to the trunk to grab the three duffel bags himself to keep Kiera from doing it. "Let's go check in while I still have you in my sight."

"You should know I'm not going anywhere... yet," She giggled, swinging her purse over her shoulder. "Let me get one of those, Simon-"

"I got it." He replied sternly, letting her walk in front of him before the bellhop met him with a cart in the lobby, generously helping him set the bags down to help ease the strain from his shoulders. That lass is notorious for packing everything that can fit in this bloody thing, he huffed to himself. She's the reason I pack my own bag. He nodded graciously at the bellhop before making his way to the receptionist, keeping his new wife in his peripheral vision to reassure himself that her curiosity wasn't leading her down a path away from him, although a part of him knew she would easily become distracted. "Good evening, sir. Checking in for the evening?"

"Yes, I made a reservation last week," He replied, pulling out his phone to show the receptionist his proof of reserve for two nights in his email's inbox. "Riley."

She nodded, typing on her computer before the confirmation pulled up on her desktop, "Ah! There you are! Give me just one second and I'll print out this form for you to sign and your keycards. Do you have your I.D.?"

As much as he hated showing strangers his identification card, he did it anyway after taking a long exhale to rid his mind of anxious thoughts, handing it to the receptionist and closely watching her as she keyed in his information for their records. "Alright, just sign this line here. Will you need just one or two keycards for your stay?"

"Probably two. She'll lose it if we just have one." He said, nodding towards Kiera when she finally made her way to stand next to him at the counter after looking at the many decorations that filled the lobby.

"I understand!" The receptionist giggled, retrieving the form he had just signed and putting it away in the file folder for their current check-ins and registering the keycards for their room. "You're all set for your stay! Just take the elevator down this hall to floor eighteen and take a right."

"Thank you." Simon nodded, retrieving the keycards from her hand.

"You're very welcome! Enjoy your stay! The bellhop is already in route to your room to deliver your bags!"

He nodded, hating the fact that someone else that possession of his and Kiera's things, but he forced himself to not overreact as it was simply just a person doing their job and not someone with cruel intentions to sabotage his honeymoon.

Simon was still going to check and be sure.

Kiera wrapped her arm around his as he escorted them to their home-away-from home for the next two days, the pair looking around at the luxurious decorations and marble floors as they made their way to the elevator. "We're definitely a long way from home." She commented.

"That we are, love."

"You don't see stuff like this in Wyoming."

"No, but Wyoming does have the Grand Tetons," He chuckled. "Which by the way, are named after big tits."

"What? No they're not." She laughed.

"I can assure you, that's what it means. When I was in France, I remember hearing locals talking about it - how they laughed at how many tourists travel far and wide to see The Big Tits of the U.S."

"I can't tell if you're being serious or sarcastic," She giggled, pulling out her phone. "But I am going to look it up."

"You do that, love," He chuckled, pressing a kiss to her temple after escorting her into the elevator. "You know, if this elevator didn't have so many cameras, I'd have you pinned to this wall."

She blushed, "I'm surprised that's what's stopping you."

"It is because I don't want one of those old men looking at the cameras gawking at something that's all mine. I'm selfish." He explained, wrapping his free arm around the small of her back, pinching her rear discreetly as they stood against the back wall of the elevator, smirking at how she shrieked at his gesture.

She couldn't help the blush that stained her cheeks at his possessiveness, a warm sensation flooding between her legs as his hand continued to press protectively against the small of her back as they walked along the hallway towards their room.

Opening the door for her, they both were amazed at the room before them. 360 square feet of pure luxury - elegant carpet, a flat-screen television hanging on the wall adjacent to the lavish king-sized bed, a marble floor to decorate the bathroom with a shower big enough for three people, a separate bathtub and an immaculate view of the Eifel Tower that stood out from the rest of the attraction markings of the Las Vegas Strip. "Oh... My God," She gasped, hesitant to take curious steps forward to look into the room. "This is amazing, Simon."

"Look around, love," He chuckled as he reached for the bags the bellhop had left on the table for them, opening up each one to ensure nothing was missing. I just don't trust anyone. "Where do you want to go first?"

He watched as she exited the bathroom, turning off the light as she walked towards the bed, running her fingers along the sheets. "I'm fine with staying here for a while. I'm sure this was a lot of money to dish out-"

"Don't worry about the money, love," He cut her off, assuring her that he didn't want her to worry about anything financially. "You tell me what you want to do."

She hummed, "I mean, can we hang out here for a while? It's only three o'clock."

"I'm fine with that," He assured her with a grin. "When it gets dark, we can walk around if you'd like."

"I'd love that, babe," She smiled, slowly approaching him and slowly wrapping her arms around his neck, standing on her toes to press a kiss to his lips while his hands instinctively rested on her hips. "Thank you for this."

"You deserve it," He murmured. "This is only the first of many surprises."

"Strange that you're the one throwing surprises when you don't like getting surprises," She giggled. "You're going to have to let me pay for something at least."

"Not a chance." He shook his head, accepting another kiss from her as his hand couldn't help but slide down to grasp at her rear.

"Come on, at least something!"

He shrugged, "I mean, I'm willing to take another method of payment..."

"Is that right?" She giggled. "Well, I can arrange that."

"I was hoping so, because I'd hate to turn it over to collections." He poked, kissing her jaw as her arms wrapped around his neck, giggling at his banter.

"Oh, I definitely don't want that!" She laughed, melting into his touch as he began to guide her back towards the bed, easing her against the mattress as he rest between her legs, caging her between his arms while his lips caged against hers.

"We can work on a payment plan, love." He smirked against her lips.

"Did you sneak one of your allies on the plane with you?" She asked, her hips jolting at the faint sensation of a vibration against her thigh, immediately assuming it was that small vibrator she kept in her nightstand.

"No, I won't need that," He chuckled against her lips, using his left hand to fish his phone out of his pocket, grumbling to himself that it had been ringing in the first place. "It's that son of ours. Wonder what he's gotten himself into."

"Are you going to answer it?" She giggled, watching him stare blankly at the screen as if he were waiting for Baler's caller I.D. to disappear.

He shot her a quick side glance, a playful glare before his thumb slide right against the screen before pressing the phone against his ear, "Yeah?"

"So, uh... I have a question." Baler spoke from the other end of the phone, mischief lacing his voice.

Simon knew he was up to something.

And he didn't like it. Especially with he and Kiera being distant miles apart.

He sighed, "What?"

"Well, technically Soap has a question, but he was too scared to ask you-"

"Spit it out, lad."

"So you know how Jacob has a full head of hair?"

"You mean beautiful, thick blonde hair for a one-year-old?" He scoffed. "What about it?"

"Well," Baler sighed. "Uncle Johnny thought it would be funny to make Jacob look like him-"

"Uncle Johnny is going to be looking like ground lamb if you're not joking," He scoffed, his mood quickly souring at Baler's words. "Send me a picture. Now."

"What happened, babe?" Kiera asked, her brows furrowing.

He sighed as he put the phone on speaker, "Repeat what you just said to me."

"Hey momma," Baler chuckled out of nervousness. "Uncle Johnny gave Jacob a haircut."

"Baler, sweetheart, you're lying through your teeth, and you know it. Johnny knows better-"

"No, he doesn't, love." Simon reminded her, arching his brow.

"Baler, do you promise you're calling to tell us our precious baby boy received an unwanted haircut?"

A few moments of silence pass by.

"That's what I thought," She commented, reassuringly rubbing Simon's arm while they heard two sets of laughter on the other end of the phone. "He's just messing with you, babe."

"He better fucking be."

"Hey!" Baler chimed. "Mom said no cussing!"

Simon huffed in defeat, "Take the phone, please. That lad is going to make my blood pressure go up."

"You forgot to mute me, dad!" Baler snickered.

"Did he fall for it?" Soap chimed in from the background.

Kiera giggled while she took the phone from Simon's hand, rolling over onto her stomach while he stood to his feet to walk across the room to pick up the room service menu, playfully tapping Kiera's rear when he sat back down on the edge of the bed, grasping her ankles and putting her feet on his lap, removing her shoes for her while his thumb gently massaged the arches of her feet while his other hand clasped the service menu.

"Thanks for raising Simon's blood pressure, you two." Kiera giggled.

"You two haven't been gone for an entire day and I've been itching to piss dad off," Baler snickered. "Johnny put me up to it."

"Oh, I don't doubt he did. Jacob still has his full head of hair, right?"

"Yes, momma," Baler confirmed. "I can't say the same about Evie though..."

Simon's head snapped towards the phone at the mention of Evie's name, "He better be bloody joking!"

Baler and Johnny both laughed through the phone, "Perfect head of hair still, mate, we're just toying!"

"You two don't need to be spending too much time together," Kiera giggled. "Nothing but trouble!"

"Well, I didn't want to call with some boring conversation, momma," Baler chuckled. "Nana hasn't let them out of her sight."

"I'm glad she hasn't." Simon commented, a breath of relief leaving his lips.

"What've you been up to?"

"I just got home from school and am about to go take care of barn chores before I do my homework."

"Good," She smiled. "How are Kimber and Church?"

"Kimber is annoying. Church doesn't care about anything going on. He likes having the house to himself. Nana has been letting me stay with her so she can take me to school and so I can help her with the twins."

"I'm proud of you, baby," She smiled. "You make sure you keep up with your homework, okay?"

"I will, momma. I miss you guys."

"We miss you too. I'm already homesick."

"Don't be. We've got the fort grounded here. Uncle Johnny is ready to fill in dad's shoes."

"He has big shoes to fill." Simon commented.

"I know. I told him that but he says he'd rather fill slippers than clown shoes."

"Hang up on him." He replied sternly, although both Kiera and Baler both knew that he was being sarcastic.

"Anyway, I just wanted to call and check in and make sure you two got to Vegas safe. I tried calling your phone, but it went straight to voicemail."

"Awe, thank you. You should know I'm always safe. I'm sorry, my phone died on the plane."

"Okay, well I'm going to jump off here and finish the barn chores. I'll tell Nana to call you later."

"Okay, baby. Let me know how Sailor is!" She reminded, referring to her horse.

"I can already tell you how he is: still a prick."

Baler's answer made Simon chuckle, "He's not wrong, love."

She scoffed, "Whatever you say."

"I'll talk to you guys later. I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart."

"I love you, dad!" He chimed, knowing Simon loved him, but he genuinely enjoyed getting under his father's skin.

"Love you too."

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