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themaybewoman · 3 years

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Ted Lasso has ADHD

He’s just super well-adjusted to it and has had lots of support through his life in this particular area. In all honest, he’s like ADHD goals; someone who’s comfortable and accepting of himself and his neurology.

This is so not a scientific analysis. Just a nerd looking for solace in yet another fictional character. ;)

Five reasons why I firmly see Ted Lasso as an ADHD character:

1.) Pasta Water.

Right off the bat, here’s what started this whole internal discussion: pasta water on the stove. As well-adjusted as he seems in day-to-day appearances, little details slip his mind. Forgetfulness is one of the more obvious traits of ADHD. In 1.09 when Ted and Roy Kent are having a heart to heart about Roy’s future on the team, the scene starts off with Ted trying to offer Kent something to eat/drink like any good host, and he makes a joke about offering the pot of pasta water that’s been sitting on his stove for two days. Kind of odd to have that sitting out, right? Not for a neurodivergent, though. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve baked cookies and then left all the materials scattered about on the stove and counters overnight, and then just didn’t have the energy or mindfulness to clean it up until someone got on my case for leaving a mess. Our minds are just on a higher plane; we prioritise differently. Ted’s not at all concerned with the material. It’s the heart and soul that gives things meaning and thus gives him muse to pursue something, and frankly, cooking and cleaning up doesn’t give him that joy.

2.) Reminders.

He has little signs that say ‘believe’ tacked up all around his house, and in the same episode that’s mentioned (1.10 if I remember correctly – when he, Nathan, and Beard are discussing tactics for the game against Manchester), there’s also a fleeting mention of having a reminder to floss (that he also states to ignore due to exhaustion). I constantly have to write things down; anything that pops into my head, I put it on a flashcard and pin it to the wall, because even if it’s something I believe in, it might leave in the next few seconds so if I want it done/ingrained in my head, I have to have it somewhere outside my head. It’s because of our absolutely shot executive function – doesn’t really work too well – that leads us around our day in a spiral, constantly finding something different/a new angle or another story off our previous story that leads us astray. We get acquainted with backpedalling, mainly from other people (or ourselves) who keep telling us: hey, you were about to tell me something? I don’t have all day. Or something similar.

3.) Mentality.

It’s obvious that Ted’s thought process is miles away from the people he’s surrounded by, and the more people try to drag him back to his way, the more firm he gets. (The only person who I’ve noticed doesn’t try to sway his mentality is Keeley, they actually vibe really well together, right off the bat, which is funny because I see a little adhd-coding in her as well.) In my experience, the more someone tells me to see a different side/do something else, the more I want to keep doing what I want to do/keep believing in my way. (It’s only recently that I discovered this was a trait shared among many with ADHD; I thought it was just me being a dick to be honest XD.) I work so well with opposition. Losing that feels a bit like losing a purpose. It’s just so lucky that Ted’s way of staying true is optimism, because there’s a lot of rampant pessimism everywhere you go, so he never truly lives without his purpose. Breaking away from this core is painful, too, and we see him refuse to do just that literally every episode.

4.) More Reasons for Optimism.

Here’s another reason for optimism: RSD. We all know that positive thinking is the first line of defense against negative thinking, and you’re thinking duh right now, I can feel it. ;D That just helps me warm up to what I’m really trying to say which is about RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a way to describe a symptom of ADHd. Now, at first, I didn’t see much evidence for this. RSD is what makes it very hard for us to bear criticism, and from what I see of Ted, he manages to handle criticism pretty well, he’s pretty civil about it, always taking it with a smile. And typically, people with this dysphoria don’t handle rejection or perceived rejection too well. Then, I realised that Ted’s intense optimism acts as a coping mechanism against this. If something is hard to hear, if criticism pulls him down to the depths, he forces himself to bounce back up because, in all honesty, everything starts with a smile, and after you start that (starting is the hardest thing), picking yourself up becomes slightly easier. He’s clearly had a lot of support in this area, not to mention a lot of his rambles almost sound like he’s searching for support – for validation – too. He latches onto people easily because of this, because external validation is such a powerful force. (The same goes for the lack of that, powerful in the opposite effect.) He knows this well, which is why he tries to be such a strong force of support for others. I can see this as being a contributing factor to why his divorce lead to an alarming/seemingly uncharacteristic bitter outburst and a severe panic attack – although that could also be because he spent so much of his life/devotion loving his wife and raising a family, that anyone forced into the situation wouldn’t have fared much better. In my experience, living with RSD has shaped me into a selfless person, ceaseless supporter, and postive-thinker, because I don’t want the people around me to feel as lonely and rejected as perceived criticism and the like leaves me. It doesn’t even matter whether I like them or not, I always end up feeling nauseated if something I say leads to even slight aggravation. (That’s something I’m working to address, as not everything I say or do will lead to people hating me, but it’s such a big motivator in my life.)

5.) The peanut butter jar.

This is a clever hack to combat the munchies. My ADHD leaves me hungry all of the time, but it’s a hunger that’s all in the head. Eating gives me stimulation to stay focused on whatever I’m doing, which isn’t always the healthiest (I like eating crunchy and/or salty things especially, as savoury keeps him going for longer). Leaving an open peanut butter jar on the table is honestly a clever hack. Peanut Butter isn’t the worst food to snack on, especially if it’s all natural/doesn’t contain processed sugars (those do not work well for our brains). It’s sweet but a little salty, and it’s a protein, meaning a little goes a long way in making us feel full. I know I don’t like to eat too much peanut butter, because then it starts to make me feel a little stuffed (not sick per se, just uncomfortable). Swinging by every so often to eat a bit of peanut butter is the perfect lil boost of dopamine, doesn’t over stuff, and the movement to get there is also refreshing. (I think I’m actually going to try this out for myself!)

There may be more, but alas, I’ve uncovered all the major signs that have been rattling around in my head since my first rewatch of this incredible show. XD!

tl;dr –

#ted lasso #adhd #adhd in characters #charactisation #memes #ted lasso has adhd #projecting #lilly's musings #lilly's analysis #favourite characters

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purge-that-urge-rhackathon · 3 years

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Spoons? What spoons?

Hi yall! Been meaning to check in for a while :3 put under a read more cuz goddamn it has been a while.

SO when last we met LOLOL or some other opener... xD

Dad

Dad’s doing as well as can be expected. His brain is more or less getting back to normal (mom says its not; I told her she’s just seeing him for the first time proper and all the cruel shit he’s saying/doing is very much in-character for him when he’s not always stoned, but thanks to therapy I have the words and stuff to communicate all that abusive shit to her now; I love him but I hate him but we’ll touch on that xD). He’s had three amputations so far and he’s developed osteomyelitis (bone infection) so he’s been doing 2hr ‘dives’ in the Hyperbaric chamber every other day to fight it up to 10 dives. I’m told its $200,000 treatment which their new health insurance is fully paying for cuz one surgery already hit the $20,000 premium (don’t even get me started on THAT fight I had to do to get them signed up so we’d still have a place to live- they don’t ‘believe’ in insurance cuz they dont know shit... lawsuits are still pending and will be for the next 2-3yrs i expect). So... yeah. Mom has stepped up with a lot of stuff and she’s better educated on it all too thank fuck.

Thank fuck for therapy

The entire time dad’s stuff has been taking place, I’ve been attempting therapy, which was never explained to me properly/offered of ‘why am i here’ sort of thing, soooo about 4months (5-6 sessions of 30min therapy) turned out to be a COMPLETE waste of time. I’m on mediCal and the clinic they assigned me to only deals with mild-moderate trauma and can only see me for max. of six months when most patients make an improvement. Asking the therapist when we’d actually get to the trauma and triggers and all the other shit I’ve been pursuing therapy for two years over resulted in some clarity and I’ve been putting off making the phone call X_X My therapist only deals with singular trauma, and she said I have complex/multiple trauma with PTSD, and there’s no possible way (in my opinion and hers as well) I’d get any modicum of ‘better’ in six months cuz I’m too damaged, so like... that’s fun to know. I’ve been living in denial about my quality of life for decades and hearing it from a professional has considerably destroyed my sense of self (as it should tbh cuz these rose colored glasses are made of broken bottles LOL). Everything about myself revolves around survival tactics so I’m kind of floundering about living in lies (cuz coming to terms with trauma you’ve convinced yourself doesn’t actually bother you too much will do that, and ‘fawning’ is apparently one of the flight/fight responses and hardcore how i’ve lived these past decades) sooooo that’s what I’m dealing with and it’s super painful to come to terms with. If you’ve ever had to eat fast-food ketchup packets cuz you’re so hungry as a child and there’s nothing else you can have and they’re free, WELP then you might have a very very small window of what my quality of life has been like (: and me and my sister just thought we were fat kids for always being hungry constantly LOL

Also thank fuck for brain medication

On the good news end, I’ve officially been medicated just over 2months for my adhd :D I’m on atomoxetine (strattera) and it’s COMPLETELY gotten rid of my executive dysfunction, I can get up in the morning regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten, and I have much more energy and motivation to do stuff :) My medication isn’t a stimulant but works on the adrenal glands (which I suspected from various other body ailments might be the source of a LOT of my problems-- especially the chronic fatigue- and if the meds took them away, then I was right, and they did, so.... adrenal gland fixer yay!) and anyways it’s improved life a lot. It gives me goosebumps sometimes too which is funny but I’m real happy with it. If anyone has any questions, I’ve always been a loud mouth irl about my disorders in order to be visible and unashamed for others, and I’ve helped a lot of peers irl with mental bullshit and I’m always willing to pay it forward! :)

The doom and gloom stuff xD

I’m trying to get back into writing. Desperately. I spend time at night writing a couple of sentences when it’s quiet, but then I usually pass out in five minutes cuz tbh I don’t really sleep anymore and I haven’t since dad’s accident so progress on my creative endeavors is going very very slow. Lord knows I have the fucking time rn. I’ve been getting one shift a week at work since June cuz there’s NO hours, so I’m freaking out about money (i’m probably gonna open commissions again), and my life, and my age, and how I’ll never get out of fucking debt at this rate, and how I’m so fucking mentally fucked cuz I can’t do two/three jobs with my fucking adhd and shit, and I want to move out but I can’t live with other people cuz of the aforementioned trauma/distrust and it’s not like anywhere is affordable anyways in this hell country soooo. Yeah. I’m at the point of taking out balance transfers from credit cards to deposit cash into my bank account cuz i can’t fucking survive otherwise and I guess I’ll figure that out next month. I joke around but are any of you an escort/have you done that kind of work before/could I ask questions? >_> I need options. If I could sell an organ for about $25k i’d just do that but i AM desperate and I’m open to any and all suggestions for quick cash no matter how demeaning. Can’t demean someone who’s used to it all their life! :D Real talk tho i’m not kidding, if anyone could point me to some resources, DM me :|

So yeah that’s what’s up in a nutshell. Really REALLY wanna write and finish some shit... existential dread and basic survival is getting in the way of that. Bear with me though, it’s been a very very tough year but nothing has been abandoned and I’m definitely around. Just rarely have the spoons to do shit :D

#poisonjack jabbers #you'd never guess i once had a million-dollar life insurance policy would you? or a government job with perks. fuck i miss japan.#i've got 4 side hustles that bring in maybe $200 every other month/every three months and its low maintenance but it aint enough #i promise im not miss negativity i'm just burnt out and disappointed with myself that im not doing more while i have the time :\#i'd love to go back to bartending but i can't mask anymore and most of the assholes at bars rn are unvaxxed and im vaxxed but still at risk #theres a bikini bar in town i thought to apply to but i need to lose some weight first before they'll accept me and thats hard x_x #anywho im pretty certain im gonna open fic commissions again sooooo thats something :D

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okimargarvez · 5 years

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GUILT

Original title: Senso di colpa.

Prompt: post 14x06.

Warning: character’ death.

Genre: angst, drama, romantic, friendship.

Characters: Penelope Garcia, Luke Alvez.

Pairing: Garvez, Penelope x Phil.

Note: oneshot 38 in Garvez collection.

Legend: ⚰.

Song mentioned: Le cose che non dici, Tiziano Ferro.

GARVEZ STORIES

This story is dedicated to @thinitta because we are in the same pain and ansiety while we’re watching CM each on the other side of the planet XD

GUILTY

Luke enters the room and for the first time he realizes he doesn't feel like smiling. All those images of puppies and animals, those weird puppets can't do anything against his pain. She is turned back; surely, she must have realized that someone has entered, but she doesn't turn around to see who. He stays for a moment motionless to look at her and then he reaches for the empty chair next to her.

-Hey.- she says, turning slightly around to give him a brief glance, her fingers still typing on the keyboard. She would like to ask him how he is, but it would be useless, because

she already knows. And she is in the same situation too.

So, he finds a single loophole. -How... how is Lou?- Penelope wears a dress invarious shades of gray, not too long and not too short. A tight and sad smile is painted on

the woman's face before she answers.

-He misses him.- silence. For a few minutes the regular ticking of Penelope's skilled fingers on the keyboard is the only sound filling the room; it almost made him sleepy, or maybe it depends on the fact that he has barely slept in a week. I would just like more silence in what I do but it's impossible, it's too dark, I sleep and then, nothing. Not even Roxy was able to cheer him up. The bed was still too empty, the apartment no longer seemed the same since Lisa left. He would have liked to hate her for leaving him when he has needed her most, but he couldn't blame her. This damn job had taken a good part of his life, he was too difficult to be around. She deserved better. She deserves to not being anxious every time he leaves home; to not be afraid to see his corpse one day in the morgue of the hospital where she works. -Luke?- the voice of the colleague brings him back to earth. He manages to capture all the worry on her face, but denies it, because it's so much simpler.

-There is a new case?- focus on work, again. It is the only solution to not going crazy. She

shakes her head and her blonde hair dance. For a moment he has a vision: a child with a darker skintone than his and those same light hair of her; but it is only for a fleeting moment. He shudders, feeling cold inside, although she keeps her “batcave” constantly

warmed up, and he knows it, because they joked about it more than once.

-No, nothing, for now.- and then she is silent. It is clear that there's something, maybe something more important, that she doesn't want to tell him. Penelope feels his eyes on her. She swallows. It is the second time in her life that she doesn't know what to say to get

out of this embarrassment. Then she makes the mistake of letting her eyes meeting Luke's. -You... you don't need to do anything, ok? - she stretches her hand to touch Luke's one, but she changes her mind at the last second. She feels the same fear as when the elevator doors had opened, and he'd appeared with Lou on a leash; she had wanted to hug him so bad and tell him that she was there for him, but she had been too afraid of being rejected in that moment. -You don't have to stay here with me. I can do everything, so you... can... you can stay with Lisa. I wont tell anybody.- and she strives hard to smile, but behind her glasses there is a veil of tears in her eyes. Luke stares at her for a moment, unable to say anything.

She. Penelope Garcia.

You are no match for Penelope Garcia.

She. The ray of sunshine of the BAU, the glue of the team.

She, so funny and weird. She, so sweet and sensitive. She, so selfless and generous.

He has no more tears to shed. He cried them all, hugging Lisa.

He feels the need to laugh hysterically now. She, Penelope, who still doesn't know that he's single again, alone like he's always been. But this is not true either, and he knows it. But for a few moments he wants to bask in self-pity.

She'll never lie to him if their roles would have been reversed. Not even if she had been in love with him. She always puts the wellbeing and happiness of others before her own. Why he could not do the same? His best friend and... he could now consider her as another best friend, after all that they had gone through. Two of the people he loved the most, together. Phil, who has never been a playboy, deserved to feel happy. And with Penelope he would certainly have been happy. Who wouldn't have been ecstatic with her?

Silence still fills the room. She even stopped typing and now is staring at him. The expression on her face is unreadable.

Why he lied to both of them? Still, he knew right away that there was something between

the two. Shortly after Lisa and he had made their story official, Garcia (and it is necessary

to think about her by her last name) had insisted on paying them a dinner, as an apology for having inadvertently interrupted their first date, and as a way for snooping and getting to know more about Lisa. Inviting Phil had been obvious, automatic. But why, why the vision of his friends laughing and joking had been so hard for him? She, who flirted in her usual way with Phil? Those smiles on their faces.

It wasn't about the fucking excuse he had given himself when his best friend was still alive.

It wasn't a behavior of a concerned "big brother". Also because he wouldn't had any need to worry. The answer was there, clear, written in large letters in front of his eyes. It had been there more than three years ago, when Morgan had put his hand on Penelope's shoulder, and earlier, when she had flirted with Stephen on the phone.

Jealousy.

Pure, simple, wrong jealousy. He didn't want her to be with Phil. With nobody, actually. And it was a selfish, macho, horrible thought, something that he would never have thought of being. He had never been that kind of man before. And nothing could justify him. In fact, he didn't want anyone to pat him on the shoulder, taking away any guilt from him. No, instead he wanted insults, shouts, hearing what he thought is his truth. I tell myself "do it sooner" but the remorse is glowing, here...

It's his fault, if Phil is dead. If only he had allowed them to know each other, maybe they would have been together, at that moment, maybe Phil would have stayed with her, so...

So, both could have been dead by now. BAM. Again, a flash, a horrible vision. That beautiful blonde woman lying horizontally, her hands clasped on her chest, eyes closed, forever. Flowers, various types of flowers, everywhere around her. He didn't believe it was possible, and yet, Luke feels a twinge in his already too suffering heart. A moan of pain escapes from him, but maybe she doesn't notice. Maybe.

Or... or they could both be alive. And happy.

What kind of love was his, if he didn't want to see them happy? Sick, wrong. Better be in denial. Yes, denying is definitely the best solution. Deny, again, as he had done from the beginning.... I go against the wind or I resist, I don't know...

-Alvez.- someone calls him. He painfully comes back in the real world. How long has he been absent? It's Penelope. There is no one else in the room. She knows that the only way to save him is giving him a shock. -Don't do that again, please.- and she is not crying, but the pain and terror he reads in her eyes are enough to make him nod, though he doesn't know whether he will be able to keep his promise or simply... he's lying to her. Again. For the third time. Like Peter with Jesus. Without any rooster crowing.

You think about it and you don't admit it, but it comes and runs strong, here, my brain spinning out, it's sick, who knows... and you try with the Gospel to dry your faults that not even the handkerchief that you have always used will absorb...

Then, suddenly, without any stimulation from the outside world, it is like if someone pressed a button in his brain, and he can no longer keep his thoughts inside. -It was my fault, Garcia.- she doesn't seem surprised at all. -I lied to you- still no reaction. -I lied to both of you.- and to himself, too, and to Lisa. -After that date, the double date... Phil kept asking me about you. All the time. He liked you, fuck, he liked you a lot.- Penelope doesn't look angry, nor even in shock. There is something strange, unconsciously noticing it. -And you liked him too. I didn't tell him. He died without knowing it, he died because I'm a fucking liar.- he can no longer cry but his eyes turns red and his vision is blurry. It seems like a century passed before she answers to him.

She puts her hand on his, light, and nods. -I know.- so, everything doesn't matter anymore,

everything swirls around him, around two simple words.

I lose myself wrecked in the things you don't say, the ones that, at night, you are ashamed of it, hidden, but you do it, and you talk to friends, but you deny everything, sometimes, you wear scars, but nobody will see them...

-You know?- Penelope nods, closes her eyes and when she lifts her eyelids there is still no

trace of anger or desire to blame him. But she takes her hand off from his and brings it on

the other, on her leg.

-Yeah, Luke, you are not the only one who lied.- there are no words capable of describing the expression of the man when she begins her confession. -We did it, me, and him too.- she says while standing up and reaches a drawer of her desk, putting out of it what seems like a coin or a medal. Without needing her to ask him to do it, he opens his hand, palm up, and lets her giving the object to him. He recognizes it instantly. He can't speak anymore, but she'd never needed for him to speak to hear him, with or without five hundred and sixty hours of profiling course. -Shortly after that double date. He called me, told me that he wasn't used to have a dog, and that he needed help, knowing that I had taken care of Roxy every now and then. And that's how it began.- she sits down again, but away from him. -It was not your fault, Luke. He was at home and I was at work. It was not your fault, more than it wasn't mine, or it's the team's. I should have realized sooner that you, Lisa and him would have been the targets.- and here, she found the only way to stop taking all the blame at any costs.

-No, you couldn't know...- and she stares at him, as if to return to Luke his own words. -So... why didn't tell me anything? Why Phil has keeping asking me about you, if you two were already dating?- at his question she smiles, the first sincere smile of today.

-Because... because he knew you wouldn't agree or that you wouldn't like the idea of us

together. I don't know how he knew that, but he didn't want to tell you anything, and he asked me to do the same. And you'll admit that it was a huge thing, for me, keeping my mouth shut all this time.- she even tries to joke. -He wanted to wait until you were ready. We'd have told Lisa first, and she would have helped us surely.- Luke notices that she can't say the name of his best friend. He doesn't ask if she loved him, if they were happy, even if a morbid curiosity pinches him and pushes him to ask those questions aloud.

Perhaps because both answers are already there, in the way that Penelope talks about it,

in the sad sweetness that softens her face.

Phil knew. He had never told him about what he was feeling for his colleague, but he knew the same. He is, was, and will always be, his best friend, his brother. He had known, even before Luke himself, that he was in love with Penelope Garcia. And despite that, he'd pushed him into Lisa's arms. Why? A question that will never find an answer.

And why isn't Penelope asking him the reason why Phil thought he wouldn't be happy about them? Can she be naive up to this point? She knows his feelings too?

-Penelope...- she tells him to shut up with her eyes.

-You don't need to say anything. I know you wanted the best for us. It would have been a

strange situation, wouldn't it? Hearing me talking with JJ about my handsome boyfriend who is at the same time your best friend...- she smiles with tears in her eyes.

No, Penelope knows nothing. Yes, she is the queen of ice, of nice, of moderation... and ingenuity. -I'm sure we'd have told you soon, and we would have had fun, all six of us, Lisa and you, me and him, Roxy and Lou...- is the last straw; enough is enough.

And you feel a wave of affection, shutting it straightaway...

-No, I don't... I don't think it would have ever happened.- Penelope stares at him, this time surprised and confused. There are two things that press in his head to go out, one wrong and one right, one that he would like to say and one that he would bury in the depths of his soul. -Lisa left me.- her beautiful mouth, red, juicy, opens wide. -She couldn't... what happened was too much for her.- she sighs.

-I understand. I'm sorry, infinitely, because you two were good together, you were just so beautiful to watch.- and Luke knows she's not lying, unlike him, she really thinks this, because she's Penelope Garcia, the woman with the biggest heart that exists in the whole universe. -I'm sorry- she says again -but I understand that. I feel the same thing every time there is a damn case and you all get on the jet and I stay here, and I can only try to break the typing speed record to find the right information, so that you can catch the villain before he can kill others people, or some of you can get hurt... and I feel powerless, and I can only wait for someone to tell me that you're all safe, and you know what? I'm even happy to have been the one kidnapped by the cult, me rather than one of you, because for once I didn't have to wait, but I could act and...- and finally it happens.

There is only one way to silence her random digression: he presses her head against his chest, while his hands caress her back. -You are not powerless, nor useless, never, Penelope.- and the same is true for him. Although it is more difficult to accept. Because it's much easier to keep feeling guilty than to move on. Just as it was easier to date Lisa than to even attempt to do something with his feelings for Penelope. -The team would be

nothing without you.- he whispers, and she whispers back -Not even without you, Luke.- that hug, that had been postponed till now. And now it seems that neither of them is able to break away from the other. But she turns her head so she can breathe. -Phil- she finally says the name -would have asked you to be his best man, you know?- and immediately she feels guilty. This is one of her crap, that she said without even knowing the reason. -Sorry, I didn't want to...- his right hand moves from her back to her hair, the fingers sinking into the golden mass.

-You're not the one who should apologize. I should have been the happiest person in the

world, being the best man at the marriage of two of my best friends.- and the other half

of the sentence remains between the lines, but she understands anyway.

And finally, she asks him. -Why you wouldn't have been happy?- and finally she seems to

understand that this has nothing to do with the damn story of the big brother. That role belongs to Morgan. Derek would have come on purpose from Chicago to tell Luke to treat his baby girl right, otherwise... But then the time had passed, and nothing had happened, and then Lisa had arrived and he was happy, and then Phil had asked her out, he had done what his best friend had never been able to do, and it hadn't been for spite or a replacement, no, Phil had made her laugh, her heart jumped when they kissed. Like a punch to the gut, she sees their first kiss again. He was still in the wheelchair and she had

stumbled, ending up on his legs; she had immediately apologized, but he had stroked her shoulder, and then he had gently pushed her head against his own to make their lips met and finally silenced her. And again, she feels the urge to say something that is better if never gets out. I was starting to really love him.

-Because, because I'm an asshole, Garcia.- he forces himself to let her go, immediately feeling cold, ice around his heart. -Because I was jealous, selfish, and you should hate me and telling me to go fuck myself, because I deserve it. And because I need it.- she steps back, Luke steps one in her direction and grabs both her hands in a strong hold. -Please, Penelope, do it, tell me that you hate me, that you will never forgive me, that I didn't have the right to get in the way, say something!- he shakes her and she lets him. The man feels tears stinging in the corners of his eyes, but he can't cry, not again.

And you are looking for a virtual Purgatory because you are not being able to love, rewind your god of love, so you continue to pray in the narrowest and tighter darkness of what you've never said...

-No... I can't. I will not give you what you want. I can't do it.- Luke lets her go immediately and falls to his knees, grabbing his head in his own hands. -But there's something I'd like to know. What does it mean you were jealous? Of him or me?- nothing,

she is stills the usual sweet naive Garcia. His reply arrived after what feels lile centuries. He must free himself from this burden.

-Of him, of you, of both. I was, I still am jealous of you. It's not just about Phil. It's not because he was... he is my best friend. It was because he was interested in you and I didn't want him to. I know it's wrong but...- she stops his sentence with a sharp hand gesture. This time she doesn't look at all understanding. Her gaze is stern, although she seems to be trying hard to understand. She still wants to believe for a while that there is a logical reason that will allow her not to hate him. Even though she wouldn't be able to do it anyway. She wants to believe that the world is a better place to live in.

-You don't want me to be happy, Luke? Why?- only two tears, perfectly synchronized, on

the sides of her cheeks, run along the woman's face until they stop for a few moments on

the chin and then fall into the void. He hurt her. He has committed the greatest sin he could do and he will never forgiven himself.

-No, yes, it's not that simple. I want you to be happy... I feel bad when I see you sad, from

the first time it happened, but... but I don't want you to be with someone else. And I know it's wrong, selfish, that I was with Lisa and I had no right to... that I wouldn't have it even if I was single... and even if we were together and...- he can't look her in the eye. He doesn't want to find out what she thinks of him now. He doesn't want to see that.

Delusion.

-I don't understand.- she just says, and she sounds so dull that it's much worse, worse than if she had shouted at him or had slapped him. And the shadows fall and you can discover every flaw that jealously in your limbo you will hide, you will conceal, you will cover, you will spit, you will touch, you will warm, you will pan, you will forget, you will slip, you will slide, you will flapping or not, you will watch, you will know, you will hide, I don't know...

-I want... I wish you were happy, but... but with me.- and after having said it, everything

seems simpler, in the right perspective.

-But you would never have left Lisa for me, right?- her voice is tough, as he had never heard it before. And he trembles.

-I... she is... a fantastic woman, beautiful, smart, nice. You said it too. We were fine together. But she is not... she is not you. I think that, even if this is even more selfish... yes, I would have left her, if I had known to have a chance with you.- she moves one step backwards and ends up against the desk, the computer screen turned off, neglected, abandoned. Her left hand bumps several puppets and one of them falls on the ground.

In the shape of a cat, black and white. They both follow with their eyes the fall and then

they can't help but staring at each other in that way, in their own way, in the way they have looked at each other since the first time they met, intense enough to make both of their hearts beating with hope, ambiguous enough to let them behave like cowards.

-You, stupid Newbie!- she points an accusatory finger against him. -You would have had

a chance, if only you tried!- and finally, she's shouting, as he had asked her before. -I will

not stay here forever waiting for you, if that's what you think. I'm not a souvenir that you can put on a shelf and leave it to gather dust, until you find it convenient. Is it clear to you?- just a few tears frame her face. -Now, please, go out. I told you, I can handle it alone. And I need time to process all this. It's too much. Too much.- and she turns her back to him. Luke feels his legs so heavy, his head spinning like a pinwheel, and yet, feeling even more of an asshole, he wants to laugh, to shout out for the world to see that she loves him too.

But he doesn't reach for her, he doesn't hold her close, he doesn't kiss her, although he would like. Instead, he forces his body to move, to go out, to close the door. To do the right thing. Because for once leaving doesn't mean being a coward, but means not being selfish, putting first what the woman he loves needs more, rather than his own desires.

Although it may sound absurd, sometimes "disappear" is the most sublime act of love...

(Gaetano Cuffari)

#garvez #penelope garcia #luke alvez #criminal minds #cm #luke x penelope #penelope x luke #garcia x alvez #alvez x garcia #penelope x phil #garcia x phil #tiziano ferro #le cose che non dici #post 14x06 luke

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ahiddenpath · 6 years

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Digimon Adventure Tri Stage Play Reaction

Guys, this is not an analysis: this is my feels and obnoxious comments while viewing the stage play. My initial goal was to use these notes to make an analysis, but they’re too funny/stupid/wow to hide from the world. I typed these notes in real time, stopping the play whenever I had a thought. It’s the closest I can get to having you watch me watch the stage play without using videos. I will write an actual meaningful post soon, but for now, have a confused and jumpy/unpolished blob of feels.

The other thing I want to say is that I didn’t edit this after I wrote it, except for surface editing (grammar, spelling) and clarifications (mostly adding more names). So if I formed an impression at some point, that’s what I really thought in that moment; I didn’t go back and change it.

That said: this will completely and totally spoil the stage play. SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS! Read on below the cut (if you dare; it’s almost 4K words long and full of images).

Hidden’s Digimon Adventure Tri Stage Play Reaction

I am immediately not buying that Mimi wouldn't want to camp in the bungalow. Isn't this the kid that went to Tokyo Tower instead of patrolling Tokyo because the tower has AC? I guarantee she'd whine an hour in about wanting the bungalow, but wouldn't allow Koushiro to point out that she made this choice for all of them x__x

Did Mimi just... just throw the laptop? How bratty can you get? I... wow, I really hope they don’t treat my Mimi so poorly the whole play.

From Sora's speech, I can see that nostalgia will be a major theme here, which, to be fair, is appropriate, lol! Nostalgia is pretty much why we’re here.

TAICHI! It’s so good to see you get your big bro on again, lol??? Hikari: "I'm not a kid who needs to wait for you to walk home with me."

Taichi: "What? Why not? WHAT'S WRONG?! CONFIDE IN ME!" He’s so aggressive and clumsy about it, lol??

Taichi: "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A STUBBORN BLOCKHEAD."

Jyou, amiably: "You, of course! Wait-" I'm like 15 minutes in and I have already decided that Jyou is my favorite (not surprising lol).

Jyou: "YOU ARE IN DANGER, TAICHI. I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU STUDY." Oh lord, Jyou is bashing Taichi with the stone of foreboding. Is Jyou okay? Is he quite sane? He isn't, is he. Do you see that gleam in his eye? No, no. He is gone and gone indeed. Jyou’s actor is A+++

Annnnnnd oh hey, it's Yamyams doin' jamjams! I can dig that bass, is he actually playing? Oh hey, he's gonna sing for real, he's- Oh my god, stop! ABORT! He's terrible, hahahaha?!?!?! IT BURRRRNSSS!!!

OH MY GOD HIS BAND HATES THE BAND NAME AND THEY'RE SPEAKING TO HIM IN FRENCH WHAT IS THIS

Wait wow what is this weird ass vibe between the bros? Teeks is accusing Yams of not visiting... Did Yamato have that habit to start with? Hmm...

So Takeru says, "I don't want to see us go our different ways." I've mentioned it over and over, but this feeling is so important to me. It's something I want to write an entire fic around. On the one hand, it's such an easy topic, given the subject material. On the other, it's where my brain keeps going. So... Let's see what happens!

Also: Takeru: "Stay hidden, Patamon!" *puts Patamon on his head and skips offstage* Takeru, sigh...

OH SHIT IT'S ETEMON, saying Taichiiiiihehehehe like a creep ass creeper. He done got beef, too.

Annnnd we cut to everyone reacting because Mimi has no supplies (did you all not bring any?). What I like here, though, is that Jyou can at least talk to her without getting shut down. Poor Kou-chan -__-

Koushiro: "We're amateurs, is there anything we should watch out for?" OH I DUNNO, MAYBE ETEMON IN A HAT AND A VEST god damn I know this is supposed to be funny, but they all look like idiots-

Koushiro: "That old man had a feminine way of speaking" Says the dude being portrayed by a male actor FOR THE FIRST TIME-

Koushiro: "Taichi-san, you're the closest thing to a caveman we have-" Ah, bless.

(At this point, my husband is pointing out while playing Destiny that the puppeteers do really good digimon voices, and I'm explaining that the digimon voices are pre-recorded, lol).

ANNNNND Mimi is whining for supplies that she forbade people to bring. I am shocked.

Jyou is talking about how he wants to help digimon by being a doctor, by saving and protecting, and my heart is growing three sizes. Best Chosen, y'all.

But oof, the atmosphere got so heavy... Why do these kids refuse to talk about what they want to do??? Jyou remains refreshing. Also, I'm just noticing how Koushiro turns his entire body around every single time towards whoever is talking? He leans in, too. It's both cute and unexpected (I would expect much more reserved body language, but I get that this is a play and that's what you do).

HAH! Only Jyou can see the shooting star because he's the only one with his shit together! I love that, lol! (Also, is that really Tailmon's voice actress? Hmm...)

NO, ETEMON HAS KOU-CHAN, BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH although really it's painful that we're still pretending they can't recognize Etemon.

Koushiro can't read the room... Well, at least that's familiar, lol!

(At this point, my husband is asking what I think, and I'm stuttering over how annoyed I am at the ‘not-recognizing-Etemon’ gag. My husband is laughing at me and saying I'm at a loss for words. Thanks, love.)

HOLY SHIT did Hikari and Mimi just use the tired "scary stories" trope to bring up the Dark Ocean? I'll give 'em points for that. I AM INTRIGUED, let's go!!! Oh. Oh, they broke it off. They're not doing anything with it. That's... sigh. Thanks, guys. (Caterpillar Sleeping Bag Mimi is cute AF tho).

Hmm, right now I'm thinking that Mimi's actress is so lovely and so lively and really feels like Mimi, but... I also can't stand how they wrote her so far. Throwing Koushiro's computer, talking over him, not allowing him to point out when she's contradicting herself, immediately requesting the supplies she forbade people to bring... This stuff annoyed me in Adventure, but she was 10 and in a situation I would have strongly struggled to handle. But now she's literally... Making problems for everyone... For nostalgia's sake... At age 16? I'm so torn, lol, because the acting is so good but ahhhhh... Let's see how this develops...

Hmm hmm, I'm listening to Sora talk about how she doesn't wanna grow up, either... Darling, you're already quite grown up, lol! Lovely lady. I love how the digimon puppeteers echo their puppets, I can't get enough of watching Agumon's puppet and performer while Sora speaks. They really did a great job!

I think I'm about an hour into this, maybe a little less? 45 minutes? So far all that's really happened is that we've established that the characters want to be together as Chosen Children, and that with the exception of Jyou, they aren't emotionally or mentally prepared to seriously think of a future beyond that. I'll be the first to say that this a compelling and interesting topic, and it's something I've wondered about for them, but... Shouldn't... more things... have happened by now? Hmm... I understood that this would be an issue from Sora's very first bit of dialogue. No one in the audience needs this much expansion and repetition, particularly with so few new ideas and so little momentum so far. Tri is intended as a love letter for fans of Adventure, yes? Mostly adult fans? We don’t need this much repetition to understand, we truly don’t...

Ah! Now Yamato is talking about Jyou and how to become an adult, finally dropping some new ideas in. Love ya, Yams. And ahh, man, Taichi is just... screaming all of his lines? The actor is so sweet and cute, but the delivery... I'm pretty sure it's supposed to reflect that Taichi is putting up fronts like nobody's bidness, though. Yamato ain't buyin' it (Yamato is Almost Best). I really want him to grunt, "Tell the truth or shut up." XD XD GRUNT GRUNT.

Augh, god, I can't take this tho? Literally EVERY TIME someone tries to say something that will move the plot forward or inject some vulnerability into this play (except for Papa Jyou), they change the subject. I'm about halfway through now and this has to be at least the 10th time we've been blocked from useful information and deeper thoughts with this method. Tri suffers from this same issue, though... Their plot is such that they can’t sustain tension if issues are faced in a natural way, so they CHANGE THE SUBJECT or DROP A LEAD or IGNORE A LEAD, etc, etc. Here it's mostly saying, "Well what about you?" or screaming someone else's name, which... Subtle??? Ah, Taichi's latest method of not saying anything is to ask Yamato to play his harmonica... Oh my god, he's playing Walk on the Edge! Okay, okay, you got me, stage play. Hahaha, I remember Yams being better at playing a harmonica, tho!!!! (I keep picking on this poor dude who is asked to do all of the awesome shit Yams can do, sorry my dude).

Taichi: Should we sleep?

Yamato: Let's talk some more.

Taichi: (shit! fuck! He remembered I'm dodging-) YES BECAUSE HE ISN'T AN IDIOT EXCEPT WHEN ETEMON IS ONSTAGE OMG SOMEONE HELP ME-

Ahhh, and they fade out... With no forward movement. THANKS. I mean we established mood, touched on Taichi/Yamato’s relationship, and set up the problems that will be address later (I assume), but... It’s so drawn out...

And now Koushiro is drawing on the ground with a stick, bless you, are you trying to compute something? Sigh... Ah, bless, Tentomon is intervening, haha!

But... As right as Ten-chan is, he's also... Wrong? XD DON'T TELL YOUR FORWARD MOVEMENT MACHINE TO POWER DOWN!!! Annnnd yes! We're an hour in and SOMETHING IS HAPPENING! I am so ready for something to happen. (Tony: "Can we handle the stimulation, though?")

Oh god, the kids freaking out over their partners acting weird, Gabumon's stage hand collapsing... God, right in the feels, I'm almost mad about how easy it is to get an emotional response this way, lol! We just love our babies too much, lol!

Wow, Yamato lost it at Kou-chan... You know, we think of Taichi as carrying a lot of pressure (and rightfully so), but Koushiro carries just as much, as we saw in Kokuhaku. He's not magic, Yams, he needs his tools, and he doesn't have 'em. Related: Although I don't much care for how it happened, I definitely would love to read/write/see a story where Koushiro has no computer and has to adapt, though. I'd also love to see one where a new tech wizard appears and he questions his role, but that's a whole' nother thing.

EWW OH MY GOD DON'T UNDRESS ETEMON MIMI WHAT THE HELL, bleeeeehhhhhhh... Oh god, he thought his outfit was obvious... Well, you see Etemon, somewhere in the last 6 years, the kids completely lost their ability to read situations x__x (I get that this is a joke, I really do? But???)

Oh huh, so they're claiming Etemon wandered the Dark Ocean for 100 years? Didn't he... Come back in Adventure as MetalEtemon? Is he referencing his second defeat? ?????

OH GOD POWER RANGER ETEMON WHAT IS HAPPENING. Haha it's kind of cute that he's like, "Eh I don't know these two (Hikari and Tailmon). I don't think Metaletemon saw them? But honestly I don't remember. I think he was around Jyou and Mimi mostly?

Wait shit are we seriously doing the actual conflict part WITHOUT JYOU AND GOMAMON? I am so mad right now. I kind of feel like they'll burst in at some point??? I hope...

...Etemon has a song and dance number. I am rolling on the floor in pain with the Chosen. I'm doing it, guruguru mawaru- No, NO, YOU PUT TAICHI DOWN- Goddamit how many bad touch jokes do I have to make-

OH THANK GOD, is Jyou coming back? THANK YOU DIGI JESUS! (Tony: "Wait is your favorite back? Did he leave? It sounded like he wandered off and now he's wandering back in again."

Gomamon: "YOU'RE BEING GROSS JYOU" honey, oh child, you ain't seen nothing yet. Oh bless him, he's so happy, can we just watch Jyou bounce around in joy please and no more singing power ranger monkeys? I take back my complaints about nothing happening, haaaaaaaaaaaalp me Senpaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiii

Oh lord Etemon's back WHELP. Oh shit, oh shit that Obon joke, THAT'S THE BEST JOKE IN THIS PLAY, isn’t it? We can't beat that. Should I... leave?

Taichi, in Etemon's gross ass digital Wonder Land: "What's wrong, Hikari?" WHAT'S WRONG?! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE-

(My husband has informed me that I'm growling. He tells me that, when we were watching Gravity Falls and Mabel tries to tempt Dipper and the others to stay in the perfect imaginary world Bill made for her, I said, "What is she, Satan? Tempting them to stay here in comfort instead of facing danger to save everyone?" This is a similar scenario, and it's one of the few things I didn't like about Gravity Falls and OH NO, TAICHI IS THE MABEL OF THIS SITUATION, HELP!!!! Oh thank goodness, Taichi's done with this too, whew, okay, okay, breathe, stop growling).

Oh God, the Agumon puppet looks dead without the puppeteer, that's actually really awful? These puppets are amazing, guys. I cannot say enough good stuff about the execution with these puppets.

Hmm, Taichi just begged for mercy, and Etemon is unimpressed... Reminds me of the fandom after Saikai. I wonder where they'll take this...

HOLY SHIT Taichi is losing his shit! I won't say that all of that stammering and dodging earlier is accounted for here, since most of the characters did it to some degree, but it's nice to see the payoff within the same piece (instead of waiting months for the next Tri film and forming your own conclusions in that time period). I'm actually happy to see a screaming breakdown like this...

Man Koushiro speaks SO QUICKLY, dude, slow it down!!! Ahhh, he says that we're granted whatever we want here, so Etemon is probably trying to trick us by having us hear Jyou. SOMEONE IS THINKING USING THEIR BRAINSSS I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!

JYOU IS HEREEEE TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAYYY THE NEW DIGI JESUS, JYOUUUUUU!!! (And while I 100% agree that you should be cautious, Kou-chan, c'mon, he arrived saying that you made his phone go off on the train and it made him feel awkward, that's pretty much proof that it's Jyou, lol!). OH AND NOW KOU AND YAMS ARE ROASTING JYOU, classic.

Koushiro finally takes a stab directly at the heart of this... It's not even about being children and avoiding adulthood; it's about not wanting to leave August 1st. I realize exposition is Kou's job, but I didn't expect him to be the one to lay it out after all of this dodging. I’ll be honest, I’m so pleased with Koushiro in this stage play so far? I love how he moves, I love how quickly he speaks, I love that he’s able to come out and say this. I wasn’t into the way the play used him spouting off numbers to indicate intelligence, but that’s a nitpick compared to the ground they gave Koushiro here.

JYOU. JYOU. EVEN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, KOUSHIRO, I BELIEVE IN YOU. He continues to be THE BEST, I am in awe, I bow before Jyou.

OH MAN is Jyou gonna work his awkward magic on Yams? Where's my freakin' popcorn. Oh, well, hell. Yama said he... doesn't wanna talk. *rubs forehead* Great. Entertaining. THIS IS FUN I AM HAVING FUN *curls up and cries*

Okay so now Taichi is freaking out and Koushiro is trying to talk to him (roughly 70% of this stage play is someone trying and failing to talk to someone else). But I really like what Taichi says here- "I have nothing to hesitate about." We all know this isn't true; Taichi is hesitating all over the place right now. Let's see where this goes! (Please let it go somewhere this time, lord above). WAIT- WAIT- ARE YOU SHOWING ME KOUSHIRO POINTING FINGERS AT TAICHI'S BULLSHIT AND SAYING "I'VE BEEN BY YOUR SIDE FOR SIX YEARS!!" AND THEN CUTTING AWAY?!?!??!?!?!?!? RAAAAAAAHHHH is this an aneurysm? I think this is what an aneurysm feels like. You can't drop lines that good and then CUT AWAY FROM IT GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN-

Sigh, tsk, groan. Hikari, Teeks. Whacho got for me? Whoa, I swear Takeru has been a second away from sobbing ever since Etemon revealed himself. You... you okay, buddy? Can I, uh, get you anything? I love how much Hikari has her shit together in contrast. Oh, and Takeru is about to say something usefu- ohhh, another cut. God, I have a headache.

Hmm, Sora and Meems are cracking, too... Sora says, "It was simpler when I was everyone's mom. It's not like me to decide on someone or something." I really need to hear Mulan's Reflections in the background right now...

Mimi saying "I want to do SO many things!" is refreshing my soul. I know she's one of the most shippable Chosen, but honestly, if not for the fact that she has a kid that is clearly biologically hers, I would assume that she's too busy doing EVERYTHING to have a family. My headache recedes just a touch.

Hmm... I actually really like what Sulky (Yams) is trying to say here. "I don't want to be with everyone because I'm Chosen. I want to be with Gabumon because he's my friend," basically. Part of me sides with Jyou- dude we all get that, it's not a shameful secret- but another part of me... Deeply appreciates that Yams can separate his duty as a Chosen from his bond with his digimon. Gabumon is his best friend, his number one. It doesn't matter if Gabumon can't fight, if Yamato can never digivolve him again. It doesn't even matter that he's a digimon. It just matters that they're friends, and that they be together somehow, which may seem a more tenuous position by the day. ...Now I'm sad. Well played, stage play. This moment is wonderful.

...Annnnnnd now Yamato is overacting to hell, and I'm laughing instead of thinking and feeling, was that supposed to happen? Sigh. I still don't understand why he has to be SO SECRETIVE about it, but I mean... That's our Yams???

And now we're back to Kou and Taichi, and they're pulling at each other's throats, as they will, and honestly this is the only "NOW KISS" moment for me, but where was I-

In all seriousness, I really like that the person to finally, FINALLY get the truth from Taichi is Koushiro. That's how it often was in Adventure too, yes? But I almost feel like Taichi's breakdown here is a reflection of what fans said in Saikai. Taichi in Adventure always took action (although he grew so much during Adventure, I'd argue the version of himself he's referencing now wasn't there by the end of Adventure?). He can't fight in Saikai because he's concerned about hurting people/property/the tenuous relationship between humans and digimon. He can't take action... But the ability to see that is an indication of growth, not regression. Will he understand that here?

Ok god, Agu-chan is dropping some truth bombs... And the way he and his puppeteer crawl... I swear these goddamm puppets will be the death of me.

Agu-chan, can you do me a solid and STAMP THIS ALL OVER EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE KIDS PLEASE AND THANK YOU?!

HOLY SHIT IS THAT A METALGRAYMON PUPPET?! THEY HAD THAT SHIT ALL ALONG AND THEY BRING IT OUT WITH 20 MINUTES LEFT?! WHAT WOT WOOOOT?!??! I cannot believe I'm seeing this. And I love how heavy and cumbersome the huge puppet feels. Like, I always felt like Metalgreymon would be huge and slow, right?

Etemon, I was done with your shit a LONG time ago...

WAIT he is admitting that he was Metaletemon previously. So... when... exactly did he fall into the Dark Ocean? Sigh. This is one of those "Let it go, Hidden" things, isn't it. Uh, wow, I am totally unfamiliar with Kingetemon. That's... a... thing.

The use of screens and images in the stage play are really fun! It must have been awesome to see this show in person O__o;;

OH SHIT, Yamato arrives in a cloud of smoke, that's how you KNOW shit is gonna go down!

OH MY GOD OMEGAMON ONLY GETS A HEAD OH MY GOD I'M DYING (Tony: "HEY do you know how big that thing's supposed to be?!)

KOUSHIRO IS WEARING THE GOGGLES I'm down. HIDDEN IS DOWN! REVIEWER DOWN!!!!

HOLY SHIT JYOU'S "A" ON HIS MOCK TEST WASN'T REAL okay this is also a Good Joke, I applaud. Also I am LOVING sassy Koushiro in this? His way of being sassy is to do it in a way where you're not quite sure if he is trying to be a butt or not, which is 10000000% yes lol (In contrast, Izzy is intentionally awful usually lol).

Annnnd I was right from the start; Jyou is carrying this entire thing, lol. Oh my god, the delivery on this?!?!??! AMAZING.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. LAUGHTER. THEME SONG. DRAMATIC POSE. I THINK THIS IS THE END SHOT YOU GUYS.

Now the actors are coming out to speak!

THIS. LITTLE. SHIT. I love him? I... I love him. The snark is strong in this one. I... he is so... so beautiful. I... I think I might be in love? (This at least indicates that I wasn’t alone in thinking the computer toss was too much???).

YAMATO’S ACTOR JUST SAID "DON'T SAY GOODBYE," Well played, son. I like the cut of your jib.

AHHHHH OKAY OKAY I have no idea how I’m going to analyze this. My surface thought is that this play features a lot of the emotions and inner thoughts of individual characters that can’t fit into Tri, and that (I personally think) Tri suffers from a lack of. Because there isn’t really ship bait and maneuvering around a new character and plot, we’re able to see relationships that feel much more familiar to Adventure than we often see in Tri (ie, Taichi worried about Hikari, Koushiro worried about Taichi, etc). As you noticed, I’m very unhappy with the way the play pushes the payoff back as far as possible, cramming it into an AMAZING twenty minutes or so... But I loved those twenty minutes.

Also, Koushiro feels waaaay more like Koushiro than he does in Tri, except for Kokuhaku. As your local insane Koushiro fan girl, I am standing and applauding and screaming and crying. NO PERVY KOUSHIRO. NO FASHION DISASTERS. Just Koushiro being supportive and apt and sweet and trying so hard. I am refreshed. I am younger.

And the passion and love and energy that went into us, so visibly in human form... I can’t describe how wonderful the actors and the puppeteers were. And even though I kind of hated Etemon, his actor was incredible.

So the stage play has amazing points and really irritating points, but on the whole, it’s my second favorite thing Tri has given us (following Kokuhaku). I will try to write about it more smart-like soon! If you got this far... I’m in awe, lol! High five, my friend!

#digimon stage play #digimon adventure tri stage plat #digimon adventure tri stageplay #digimon stageplay #trispoilers #tri spoilers #tri reactions

54 notes · View notes

lostlevelsclub · 4 years

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Mike’s Eliza Notes

Since there was more to the game than we could cover in the episode, below are the full notes that I made while playing Eliza.

Chapter 1

It starts with Evelyn talking about a dream. When’s the last time you had a dream?

She writes herself an email titled “You will do it” saying “I believe in you” ?!

The music is very Zachtronics

I like the chat History - probably will be useful…

What is the game going to be? Will I have to choose whether to stick to the script that Eliza gives? Is it mostly going to be just thought provoking about what therapy is and the machine vs. the human touch?

The sentiment analyzer tagging things as positive or negative - is it meant to show that the way Eliza works is actually pretty simplistic? E.g. “expensive” tagged as negative, but it’s used here in a positive sense (the office is in an expensive area)

Eliza totally lies to him and pretends that you’re talking not it! Scandal

It tells you to tell him your name!

Anexophin? Is that real?

Surely this wouldn’t be sufficient even if you had a super smart AI - there’s so much variance in how you can read the script and deliver it.

Haha, even as the proxy therapist you get achievements, a score and can level up?!

They added the “speak to a real human” script. Is that how AI works? I suppose it might work any number of ways. Hey, is this the AI game Ting said they should make??

Rae: Sometimes you don’t have any choices and you just have to follow directions, Most jobs are like that, honestly.

Eliza - named after the 1960’s computer program (early chat bot?)

Eliza is just making people feel better, but it isn’t actually making things better. Is Darren right that the world is a mess and counselling just helps people ignore it?

Zachtronics loves solitaire minigames…

It must be weird going to Eliza and speaking to a different person every time that talks as though they know you. Maybe it’s like speaking to a hive mind? Many bodies, one set of thoughts.

Lytosinol-2? Is that real?

Your friend Nora asks if the people at the counselling office “know” - know what?!

Something traumatic clearly happened 3 years ago

Nora - formerly a coder but now a musician and artist. Old self might have worried about not making as much money, but happier now. Is this me?! Sometimes takes a little contract coding work, but makes most what she needs for rent from her art

Did you used to work on Eliza as a coder or something? Your former boss was a psychologist and “creepo” (Soren)

Nora has some whack eastern european accent.

Soren is currently at (and leaving) Skandha, so sounds like you did work on Eliza

Snake Person = VSs, “biz dev”

Evelyn’s comment about the coffee shop - “it’s nice to know this is an option, the tea and coffee at the counselling center didn’t look so inspiring. Am I… am I being a snob?”

Immediately after coffee, you get an email that confirms you were one of the principal devs on Eliza.

Komorebi (the name of the coffee shop)

Language: Japanese

Meaning: The interplay between light and leaves when sunlight shines through trees.

Evelyn has some pictures propped up against the wall “that have been sitting there like that for a long time”. I also have a picture that is just propped against the wall instead of hung up (though I like it on the floor, or maybe that’s just what I tell myself?!)

Chapter 2

Email (from your mum?) with news story about mandatory fortnightly Eliza conversations at school for middle and high school students

You used to work at Magus books. Email from a customer there that is sad you left

Induced dreams by direct neural stimulation… interesting and creepy idea. Rather than invoking a feeling or improvement by talking, directly cause the required feeling.

Aponia - ancient greek, it means “the absence of pain”. Is it meant to sound like “a pony”? That’s what everyone really wants :P

Yao-Ren “Rainer” Tsai. Chairman and CEO of Skandha Corporation

Eliza is always talking about the rain - I guess that’s Seattle?

Gabriel stressed about having no time for himself after becoming a father

15 mins of VR - starry skies. Would that really help anything?

Anexophin - is that a real thing?

He gave 2 stars, but still a $5 tip?? He didn’t seem to find it helpful… he’ll be back

Maya

Has some serious social anxiety.

No one cares about her art (like no one cares about our podcast :P)

15 minutes of Meadow Lands each day. Is this to illustrate that Eliza’s treatments are bad?

Holiday Durant

Would smoke dope more often but it’s expensive :shrug:

Unmarked white busses, secret transport system “just for them” - it probably is! i.e. employee transport for tech firms

She asks Eliza about past life regression and Eliza breaks XD

Eliza doesn’t know what to do, since there’s nothing particularly wrong?? She just wants someone to talk to.

Fortipran hydrochloride - is that a real thing? Is it for shoulder pain, since that’s what she asked for? Apparently it sounds like an anti-anxiety drug (it’s not real). She forgets the name and thinks it’s forzapram. (you later discover it IS for shoulder pain!)

Dinner with Soren

Move on - “want to do his memory right, don’t you”. So the trauma was related to a guy?

I say “whose” and am told “Damien of course. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Rainer and Soren. Soren bitter that Rainer is CEO and never wanted for anything. Had all the right names - Harvard, Goldman Sachs

He needs a chief engineer, wants you (or maybe he wanted Nora but she said no :P)

Nora is DJing at an S&M club… or not - Soren is just wrong, and then goes to hit on a bunch of random women.

Email - Car will pick you up for meeting with Rainer at 9:20am from Queen Anne office. So Rainer must know you are working as a proxy

Nora tells you a load of electronic music stuff. The names sound real, and I know the other Zachtronics founder is into electronic music, so maybe it’s all real facts

Roland-TB303 (devil fish mod?)

Moog (pronounced Moag)

Li’l Sappho - greek poet..?

The music is… lewd? Sounds good, wild and untamed.

Chapter 3

Talking with Rainer. He found out you were back because your proxy scores were unusually good and he looked.

Being a proxy - more than an order of magnitude drop in pay vs. old job

Damien Seabrook - brilliant career cut short. He died? Suicide?

“Burnout isn’t uncommon in our line of work, still three years is...”

“You know what outstanding engineers have that mediocre ones don’t? It’s curiosity”

I guess you get to choose everything except the therapy? Are there branching paths?

Erlend, Chief Engineer - “he looks like a baby”, “he must be fresh out of university”

3rd chief engineer in 3 years since Evelyn left

Ratings are normalized per proxy. I don’t think you’ve really done enough sessions to really be an outlier though, unless you’ve done some off camera

Teams in Romania, Munich and Hyderabad.

Rae totally fangirling over Rainer

Erlend - “If I understand the programmer, then I understand the program”

It really is interesting to see other people’s code. It gives insight into how their brain solves problems, decomposes complex tasks.

So Eliza is just a small facet of Skandha, and Rainer really is a bigshot. Genuinely surprising that he knows who Evelyn is, or maybe at a tech firm the CEO does know star tech talent.

Eliza v10.3.3, Firmware version v110 c3115

Boot ROM 114.0.0.0.0

Chipset 18210B0

Mark Foras

“Well i don’t know if you’ve noticed, but young people are really pissy and entitled these days.” “Why would we want these conceited, overcelebrated whelps on our team? I’ll never understand the logic there”

Neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg…

SwiftMail, InfoVault - more traditional enterprise software

He’s very dismissive of Eliza! Supposedly Rainer “liked a chick on the team”, which would be Nora or Evelyn I guess.

“Mark, I’m going to suggest you try a program called “Lakeside Fishing”“ LOL

“I didn’t recognise his face or name”

“Glad I never had to work with him”

Hariman Gunawan

British accent, so since this is an American game does that make him a villain? He sounds very posh.

Grad student, English Literature

He sounds a lot like the British Malaysian comic that is on Friday Night Comedy podcast sometimes. Phil Wang..? OMG - it IS him!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10741934/fullcredits/?ref_=tt_ov_st_sm

Evelyn’s reading of the lines seems slightly more wooden after seeing Eliza (the server room). Is that intended? It’s very subtle. Or maybe it’s not wooden, maybe it’s some personal opinion creeping in? The goodbye for Hariman and Mark were both not neutral

Lytosinol 2 - in universe it’s a beta blocker

2 stars!? Rude! A tip though?

Rae’s brother struggles with substance abuse. She mentions it in the article about her and she’s on the phone to him when you visit.

Being a proxy gives Evelyn perspective - seeing how everyone else is messed up…

“Were we all just talking past each other?”

Rae - But you could also help even more people by working on Eliza itself, right? Not to mention make way more money.

Rae tells you not to downplay yourself

Rainer messages you and reveals that most of the Eliza cluster isn’t used for therapy, it’s trying to build a general purpose AI! :O

Rainer: This may sound off to you, but I’ll know I’ve successfully created a general artificial intelligence when I see it write a poem.

Evelyn: A poem

Rainer: Yes, It would have to be a good one, of course.

AI to humans as powered transport is to pack animals. Interesting way to look at it.

Rae describes a Skanda tech recruitment event. Is tech talent REALLY that in demand? Is it really that hard to get good engineers?

Evelyn - “And before that I just never had the time. It was just, research and science and work and then I woke up one day and I was in my thirties” OMG

“Even if I wanted to date, I wouldn’t know the first thing about how it’s supposed to work

“I wouldn’t even know how to tell if someone were interested in me…”

Though is this game THAT kind of visual novel? haha.

Rae is asexual? Will this game be a fully representative spectrum of everything?

Chapter 4

Soren: Say there was a medical procedure that could remove your suffering. No side effects, no cost. Just an operation that would make you permanently happy.

I’d say being permanently happy was a bad side effect.. Sometimes you need to feel sad (cue melancholy playlist…)

The Glencadam - scotch whisky. Is that a real thing? (yes)

Direct stimulation / induced dreaming vs talking things over. I’ve actually thought about this - there are changes that you might want to make to your mind or body, but you can’t because you don’t have the right levers.You have to take an indirect route and use the tools / levers that exist. Is it possible to build levers from what you have? Like hacking a machine and getting a foothold, then building an editor to enter more exploit code until you control the whole machine. Could you do that to your mind, or even your body?

Soren: Anger, depression, emptoness, anxiety, jealousy, every kind of unhappiness you can think of… obsolete.

I’ve thought about this too - these things serve a purpose, even if it’s not one that’s necessarily beneficial for you as an individual. Like when you’re depressed, is that your body telling you to die so you’re not a drain on the group? Not a nice thought - could it just be an error to be fixed?

Soren thinks Rainer was against direct stimulation “fixes” so that people would be unhappy and reliant on mental health services from Skandha

Damien worked himself to death. All nighters, multiple times. Pulmonary embolism. At least it wasn’t suicide…

Soren:

It’s late and I’ve had quite a bit to drink, so I’ll tell you a secret, Evelyn.

I said I want to end human suffering, which makes me sound very altruistic.

But I’m not doing it for humankind. I’m doing it for myself.

I have nothing. I’ve ruined every relationship I was ever in.

I hardly ever see my kids, and, well, they hate me anyway.

…

I want to end my own suffering, but I can’t bring myself to do it the… traditional way. That’s why I’ve pursued this technology. That’s why I want it to exist.

The idea that everyone else could use it too… it’s just a bonus.

Mark Foras mass emails the whole of Skandha with his farewell message! He signs off “Excelsior!” who does that?!

Hariman again

Evelyn has mirth in her voice as she says hello

He slept with Sylvia

Is he comic relief? He’s more worried now than before!

“How do I tell Liz?” Wtf

“Did I mention this last time? I have a sort of, girlfriend”

“I can’t believe this. I got what I wanted and it ruined my life.”

Irony - he hated self-pitying novels by men who were messed up by a relationship and couldn’t get over it, but how he’s one of them

Eliza’s questioning really is reminiscent of the Eliza program

15 minutes of Meadow Lands each day - Hariman thinks this is a good idea?!

3 stars?? I guess it’s better than two. Still got a $5 tip

Maya Leeds

Jealousy at the success of younger people - mid-thirties.

This is clearly the age at which everything starts to go wrong. It’s easy to be positive when you’re younger, but when you get to mid-thirties, you feel that time is running out, it’s half way for most people…

Maya:

Well there’s - there’s one woman in particular everyone loves.

And her work is… I don’t get it. I just - I don’t understand. She gets so much money and support for this basic, basic shit.

And somehow everyone’s predisposed to like her.

I mean, maybe I do get it…

I feel like people pay attention to her work not because it’s good on its own, but because supporting her feels like the right thing to do.

The way she’s aligned herself it’s like… if you support her, it means you’re cool, You’re in with the cool kids.

And if I’m not publicly supportive of her and generally tolerant of her mediocre work, then I’m the bad one, I’m the competitive bitch, I’m the… the bitter failure.

Transparency mode! Eliza reads all of your emails and chats

5 stars, $5. The tip seems to always be $5 if there is one

Is there anything that secret in my electronic messages? I don’t think there’s anything that salacious. Maybe I’m just boring… or maybe I just keep it off the record most of the time. I guess there are a few mad conversations.

Eliza Transparency Mode 0.8.2

Maya’s text conversation with Garrett - super grim. She’s just venting and being sad and he doesn’t know what to do.

$186.11 rideshare bill! $150 cleaning and $10 tip.

Erlend is disturbed by the idea of copying Eliza and sending the data to other teams, including external ones.

You don’t really tell him anything, you just listen and he feels better.

Capitol Hill - is that a real place in Seattle?

I have a jacket like Nora’s

Chat with Erlend - what does it mean to be conscious, to be sentient? Would you even know? What if you just gave the correct responses, but weren’t? Chinese Room

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_room

In Evelyn’s three lost years. She tried to get up in the morning like she meant to go to work, tried to do personal projects… it didn’t last long.

Stayed in bed, even though she was awake. Cared less and less about projects

A blankness would come over her and it seemed fine to do nothing (depression?)

Evelyn:

I was by myself and I thought that was alright. I thought - that’s how it is, really. Everyone’s along. I’m just being honest about it.

…

I was...thirty-one when I left Soren’s group. Now I’m thirty-four.

I just slept into my mid-thirties.

(I just podcasted…)

Chose to get super high and watch cyber-goth music vids

Chapter 5

Nora is a public critic of Eliza. Rae is sad about it

Everyone is very understanding - trying not to push you one way or the other! Presumably you’ll get a choice how the story goes - whether to work on Eliza or not.

Holiday Durant!

She is so random and all over the place. She tried to buy “forpanza” but it was $162 and she didn’t have that kind of money. Asked for a generic, didn’t have one, there’s a similar one but she didn’t have a prescription. The off to a story about meeting someone with wires in their brain.

Concerned that bus operators don’t care as much since there was a guy playing the guitar on the bus, and also that you don’t hear as much music any more???

A lot of “forced reflow during execution”

Recommended she tries a program “Dolphin Smiles”. Her phone is broken XD

Holiday seems to be the most challenging client for Eliza to understand, since she doesn’t really have any problems other than wanting someone to talk to.

Nora forwards the Eliza critical article to me - it mentions that the proxies are humans that have been reduced to machines as all they do is follow the prompts. The guy who wrote it emailed you earlier about an interview (which you ignored)

Transparency mode for Holiday!? Seems surprising

Fortipran HCl IS for joint and muscle pain, so Eliza’s prescription was on point!

Holiday is clearly NOT in a good place financially.

She never mentioned her real problems to Eliza

I just noticed that one of the early emails you get is “The Damien Seabrook Memorial Fund”, year 3. Who are K & G that sign off the mail?

Transparency mode from SOREN?!?!? Is this hax??

Soren says to Nora that she knows she fancies Evelyn. So it is one of those games :P

Why is your chat with Soren not in here?

He was messaging Sarah, Rainer’s assistant

He was emailing what sounds like a bondage tutorial???

Rainer says that Soren is focussing on dreams to defend his territory, Jung-ian tradition.

Soren believes the mind is indivisible after a certain point - some undefinable, ineffable soul inside every person.

Rainer: One day, algorithms will write better poems than humans ever have.

I’m not sure it’s an easy thing to judge - art is so much about the intent and the journey as much as the result. Look at modern art, like Rothko - it’s very simple, but it’s considered important because of what it means rather than the execution. If a machine just generated it without struggle, would people treat it the same way?

Rainer: The pleasures of the senses are just small bubbles on top of a vast sea of… forms. Sensations, perceptions. Thought. Awareness.

It might be fun to take a break and just debate philosophy for a while.

Rainer: What comes after having the power to experience the dream of anything you could possibly want?

You’re still just as trapped as you’ve always been - imprisoned by your own desires

(this is Maya’s problem)

He calls you Eliza, haha

Evelyn Ishino-Aubrey

You have to answer 7 questions about how you feel - I’m not sure how I should have answered them for Evelyn, I wonder if it makes a difference.

The Eliza interface is projected onto glasses it seems.

Evelyn is middle class or richer, seeing Holiday’s situation was a shock for her.

The proxies were Soren’s idea.

“<NAME>, imagine that you could have something that you wanted. What would you want?”

Does it matter what you pick? You get a huge list, but then it says “or maybe I just wish I could feel connected to someone”. Probably because it’s built on a dating sim :P

Evelyn:

I think maybe that’s the real problem.

I can’t have a connection to anyone…

(is that my problem too?)

“I was alone a lot, and I got used to being alone, and I got used to the idea of being alone, and now I can’t… I can’t break away”

Evelyn is prescribed “Virtual Amphitheatre”, 20 minutes 2-3 times a week

So you CAN tip more than $5, haha

Chapter 6

Erlend talks about dogfooding the apps, which is a term well known in tech circles, but maybe not outside.

Maya Leeds

YOU GET A CHOICE :O

I stuck with Eliza…

Eliza suggests Dolphin Smiles, Maya says she can’t imagine anything she wants less

Hariman Gunawan

Still obsessed with Sylvia. Liz found out and dumped him, Sylvia lost interest.

Eliza suggests breathing exercises, Anexophin

Gabriel Navarro

I super want to know what he’s hiding, but the Eliza questions aren’t that probing. Is the game really really trying to make you break from Eliza?

Gay?

Gabriel: “I’m a man and that’s what men do. I made a promise and now I have a responsibility”

Eliza prescribes stress management exercises, Lytosinol-4 (4 not 2)

Gabriel asks if that’s in addition to or instead of the previous medication (which he didn’t follow up on). Eliza says that she can’t comment further on medication and to discuss the specifics with his doctor or psychiatrist

Receive a thank you email from Allison Zulfiya for inspiring her during a visit to her class

Chose to hang out with Rae

Rae: You have a decision to make about what you’ll be doing in the next chapter of your life and all…

(a bit on the nose there! That’s borderline 4th wall breaking)

Chapter 7

Working on Eliza Ending

Skandha benefits - Activalet. Use the app to summon a personal assistant to book things for you, stand in line for you, receive deliveries for you.

Invitation to be the keynote speaker at the International Mental Wellness Symposium in Malmo, Sweden

Evelyn: We’ll generate a three-year roadmap document by the end of the week, and then a more granular development plan for the next six months or so by the week after.

“Eliza is the real boss. The manager of its own project”

“Through us, it’s realizing itself”

Rainer is a singularity believer

Written by: Matthew Seiji Burns (Zach’s collaborator that likes electronic music)

The Solitaire Game - Maya mentions it if you break the script. It is hard at first, until you learn to think several moves ahead (I think you need to think 3 moves ahead to be able to solve it, since at the end you only have 2 slots free at best).

After winning the first time, I played another game and immediately won that too.

Maya realises that you’re not following the script if you don’t prescribe dolphin smiles

Maya:

“Um. Thanks for listening to me. I’m sure it’s been annoying to hear me complain about how I’m not successful yet, every single week”

“Oh my God, will this bitch ever shut up… you ever think that?”

I’m sure that’s what my therapist was thinking too… :P

Gabriel: If everyone just did what they wanted to all the time, the world would collapse. It would be a disaster.

We all want things we shouldn’t actually have.

Nora Ending

Nora: I don’t feel this weird oppressive hierarchy where people try to figure out where they are relative to you on a ladder when they first meet you…

(this is literally how things work at my real job)

Who is “therationalmind20” Soren? Eldren? Rainer? Someone else?bI feel like I’ve seen the name before somewhere...

“you think you’re so smart but you’re not. women like you have nothing better to do that to criticize because you can’t create on your own.

enjoy your life being a shrill harpy nobody wants to listen to”

(this is from the Nora ending)

There’s no histogram, but the information to create one is collected

https://steamcommunity.com/app/716500/discussions/0/1640919737478105344/

Soren Ending

Soren:

“You know they used to criticize anesthesia. It’s true.”

“They said it was important to feel pain, even during surgery”

Trans cranial current thing - is that what Aponia is? Or at least the real world equivalent is that

Sodality? What does that mean? I learned something new:

a confraternity or association, especially a Roman Catholic religious guild or brotherhood.

One of the benefits touted by Aponia is “increased sodality, transients eliminated”

Counsellor With Rae Ending

Darren comes back to thank you (you Evelyn not Eliza), though really, what are the chances of him getting you as his proxy again?

Also, $100 tip!

Leave It All Behind Ending

Throws away the narrative. Go to Japan, try to find father.

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