#idk why every year i convince myself that i will make friends and then i just dont

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am i the asshole for cutting off my mentally unstable friend without any explanation whatsoever?

(🧠🌩️ so i can find it)

tw for abuse and cheating mentions

ok typing out that title makes me feel like i might be TA to, like, some degree but just hear me out first.

i (19, f) was in my first semester of college when i met rachel (20). we shared a class and grew to be friends over our shared nerdy interests. i admittedly didn't really like her that much at first and didn't consider her to be that close of a friend. she was really just someone to talk to when class got boring or we had a break or something.

i was actually kinda regretting talking to her at all because i clocked that she was a little unstable almost immediately; she was very quick to anger and constantly talked about fighting people that had ""wronged"" her (which included our professor who she was convinced was out to get her for some reason?? idk why our prof was a really nice lady), constantly trauma dumped without asking (i'm talking like early into our relationship too. first day we met she was ranting about her abusive mother and her childhood trauma and stuff), and always found a way to turn the focus of the conversation about her any time i tried to talk about myself or anything that wasn't our shared interests. the only reason i gave her my number is bc she asked for it and i didn't know how to turn her down without hurting her feelings--i'd been planning on ghosting the second our class ended.

so we continued to talk/text for like a year and (at her insistence) met up for lunch in between class the following semester. i warmed to her a little at this point so it wasn't too bad; at the very least her constant drama gave me something to talk about with my real friends, and like i said i didn't really know how to cut her off in a way that wouldn't start something.

so time goes on and she shuffles through a few boyfriends--all who either cheated on her or were inattentive/verbally abusive. she constantly asked me for advice, which was confusing bc she never listened to it? like she asked me if she should take back her ex who cheated on her 3x and i said "no that sounds like an awful idea" and then she exploded at me and screamed that i could 'go fuck myself' and to 'stay the fuck outta her business bc it's her fucking life and not mine'. but then the minute he (predictably) cheated on her again and dumped her guess who had to sit with her on the phone for 2 hours while she cried? yep. me!

this kinda bullshit continued all the way up to a few months ago. she met a new guy, told me all about how he was "the one" and "he's gonna be different this time" blah blah blah. at this point i genuinely stopped giving a fuck about her and her problems. the only reason i hadn't cut her off was because my other friends loved hearing about her drama secondhand and i admittedly did enjoy making fun of her with them. which i know is kinda shitty but at least she'll never find out about it?

anyways, shit starts to get particularly juicy bc two months into rachel's relationship with this new dude he proposes. and she accepts (?!!) not only that but she informs me (not asks. INFORMS) me that i will be a bridesmaid. and i panicked and just said "uhhh cool i'm so happy for you!!" so this is the point where i decide that i need to end this relationship bc having to attend her wedding is just not something i wanna be apart of and i felt that if i went through with that it would solidify our ''friendship'' in her mind and i'd never be rid of her.

so i stop responding to her texts as frequently and began ducking her calls. didn't have to stop initiating bc i never initiated convos with her in the first place. i'd answer every once in a while bc she would start spamming that she was having ""emergencies!!!"" which. they never were true emergencies; she just wanted to vent about her fiance and his shitty family or something his ex-wife did to piss her off (her fiance was like 20 and divorced twice with three kids. YIKES) and i'd listen until she got tired of talking and ended the call. not once did she ever ask about me btw. at this point she wasn't even to pretend to care about me or my life; i was just her dumping grounds for all her trauma and venting.

i thought she might've got the message that we were done bc she hadn't texted for like a month, but a few days ago i recieved a message that said something like "omg i haven't heard from you in a while, are you okay??" and. i'm not sure if i can put into words the sheer amount of exasperation and annoyance those words filled me with. like i could tell right off the bat it was just a ploy so she could get me talking and then vent and saddle me with all her stupid emotional bullshit. so i blocked her, finally. this shouldn't cause any problems bc she dropped out of school last semester (she was failing so she decided to start her own business).

the thing is, i know that she's mentally not well. she is very erratic and immature, add that to the fact that she's gone through a lot of trauma throughout her life and the end result is a deeply flawed person. at the same time i'm not responsible for her mental health and continuing to play friends with her what i don't even like her in the first place seems disingenuous. but she's got abandonment issues, so me doing this is probably gonna hurt her. although me being honest and saying that i can't stand her and her drama anymore probably wouldn't feel any better.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[contrappostoes]

actually story time

when I was in college I had a period of time where I would hook up with this guy every once in a while, it was the worst kind of situationship where there were like. a lot of heavy family issues involved and we weren't really friends, he definitely saw me as a convenient source of emotional support with a side of pussy lol...I was like, riding all the way out to coney island late at night to meet him so he wouldn't hurt himself, that sort of thing. at the time I was going through my own shit wrt starting to understand my sexuality, won't rehash how agonizingly drawn out & painful that was for me, but I got to a point where I thought I had a little clarity on it and had decided to tentatively call myself bisexual (for like a week lmao). and - very very stupidly - I told him this in the interest of reciprocity, because he had shared so much with me about his situation and at the time I saw that more as an honest display of vulnerability than like. him indiscriminately using me as an emotional crutch

looking back the 180 he did on me was pretty awful, it started with like, gross fetishistic curiosity, which I cautiously tolerated within limits because it was new for me too and I was honestly grateful to speak openly about things after a lifetime of keeping it all padlocked in a secret compartment in my brain. he wanted to know where I was & what I was doing all the time, which annoyed me because we weren't together or anything, and even if we were that wouldn't be cool. he even outed me to some people, usually when I ignored him for too long, and tried to convince me it was no big deal

sex was obviously where shit really hit the fan, I won't get into details outside of saying he suddenly would get physically rough with me without asking after having never done that before. again, no details but one of my worst memories was when he started saying disgustingly homophobic things to me about me in bed. I ghosted after that. shortly after he started spam texting me with homophobic slurs & rape threats until I blocked him. I was very lucky that this coincided with the end of the semester and his move & transfer, and that it didn't escalate to physical stalking or anything.

of course I literally never told anyone this, I compartmentalized it for a long time (10 years LOL) when I started IDing as a lesbian because I wanted so badly to make it irrelevant to my life and frankly was very embarrassed by how I let it go that far. but it's really been haunting me since I reassessed all that. it can make figuring out how I go about navigating certain types of sex and even platonic relationships painful and complicated. aside from logistics & other preferences, it's a big reason why I feel the need to keep things casual and unromantic, even as I've managed to work through some of this & have healing and transformative experiences with specific people. last year I had a terribly hurtful argument with a younger gay woman in which I was told the stuff he did to me would've hurt even more if I didn't have the capacity to be into him at all, which has thrown me back into a place of deep angry silence about all of this yet again.

idk. I try to not be so sensitive about dumb bullshit I read but it's very hard when I've experienced the dismissive attitudes and callousness irl. I do my best to hold my head up and do my thing but the routine dehumanization & lack of sensitivity upsets me. I'm angered by the way so many people think they have nothing they could possibly learn from our experiences and thoughts about how these systems affect us, that there's nothing we could share that they don't already know. it hurts my feelings that so many people automatically take our attempts to share these thoughts as an attack on them, regardless of how carefully we phrase things. and on a personal level it hurts to currently have nowhere irl or online where I feel like I can talk about the pain of what I've shared here (or even the healing moments I've experienced) without someone telling me off for not behaving the way they think I should lol.

anyway. I really do wish I was strong enough to let this all slide off my back just for the purposes of my own well-being. I'm trying to limit what I see about these issues so I don't feel tempted to mentally engage. when I see sentiments that clearly want to make me & those like me feel like less than nothing, all I can think about is how there are girls even more raw and vulnerable than me seeing this stuff and it makes me heart ache. even so I know there are people out there who will understand me, I hope to find them one day so I can move through everything with more grace

#idk very tangentially related to previous post I just want to talk about this & some thoughts/feelings I've been working through #long post & homophobic abuse tw unfortunately lol.

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer community #in need of advice #queer advice #aroace #aromantic #asexual #bisexual #questioning #help. me. #utterly confused 💥

[korodere]

new year new... idk

haven't made a proper new years post in a while. i think this year kinda earned one.

tw: death, suicide, and so on

so... 2023.

where do i start?

a lot of good. and way, way more bad. but i don't want to lose sight of all the good because of it.

for the first time after knowing these guys for over a decade, i met my best friends nate, kathy, and kai in real life. spent over a week together with them, went to a con, got to share a bed with them the whole time, and force nate to eat a bunch of american food.

but. a month later, kai killed herself. and i'm still dealing with that. probably will be for the rest of my life. she was my best friend, i would call her my soulmate, my sister. she meant the world to me. i wish i could've spent every day of the rest of our lives like we spent that week in DC. i regret all the things i didn't do yet with her. all the things i couldn't do for her, to help her.

i miss her. a lot. i've just gotten to point finally, after she passed on aug 28, where just the thought of her doesn't make me spiral into misery and cut myself. i still get the feeling sometimes---i travelled again for the first time since our trip to DC, to see my childhood best friend graduate, and the entire plane ride was miserable. i just thought of her the whole time, because the last time i'd been on a plane was to see her, and then to leave her. and i kept thinking about how much i fucking wished i could've taken her back to vegas with me. she joked about it, when they dropped me off the airport, got out of the car and pretended like she was leaving with me. i wish she could have.

she made the year really stressful. from her new relationship to the constant troubles that came with it, to her psych ward visit, and then her constant attempts. over and over. and i had to keep stopping her, fighting with her. found out her whole philosophy on suicide---that it's her body her choice, and therefore anyone not wanting her to kill herself is being selfish, and that it was just a difference in philosophy. it was difficult. the conversations i had with her, i didn't want anyone else to hear. unfortunately it all spilled out, and then she took her own life.

i would've dealt with that for the rest of our lives if i had to, though. if it meant i could still talk to her, to see her again. i would've foiled her suicide attempts and argued with her and fought with her about it until we both grew old if i had to. i wouldn't have had to, i hope. but it was hard to convince her that there was any life to live other than this, for her. that she wouldn't feel this way forever.

it was a difficult year, if not for that already, but on top of that i was still dealing with the aftermath of a bad, drawn out breakup. so while trying to help her, i was barely able to help myself cope and move on from that---the fights and the shitty words and feelings. i felt pretty close to trying to attempt myself, last year. i'm better now. back on my medication. and while my self-harm is still an issue, it hasn't been for a couple months. its still on my mind, though. not always but a lot of the time.

i've been struggling pretty badly with feeling like i don't have a place in the world. worsened by the obvious, you know. i place a lot of my self and identity on the people around me---so who am i if not his boyfriend, if not kai's best friend? so much of my self-perception revolved around them.

there was a good month or two where i sort of just like... didn't want to exist, or accomplish anything. it's hard to describe but i felt like---why bother with transitioning? why bother with top surgery? HRT? legal documents? all that? if she's not here. i was her best friend, and she was always so proud and happy for me when i made progress---when i started growing a stache, she'd point it out everytime we video called and say "ooh, you look like a man, so handsome", or the more common, "you look like a fag". when my voice started dropping a bit, she noticed. it dropped even more this past month. i wish she could hear it.

this is certainly nsfw, but it makes sense in the context of our relationship (she was always very openly sexual around me, and vice versa. it was just part of our dynamic), but when we met up in july, i let her do... a lot of things lol. including suck on my nipple. which, yea, sounds weird, but it made sense for us. i told her now she had to live long enough to see me get top surgery, so she could test out if i still had enough feeling in my nipples. she said she would. so, for a while after she died, i felt like... i can't? or, why should i? if she won't be there, for me. if she won't be there to see my results.

it's really hard, thinking things like that. i'm struggling to not start crying right now. which is a miracle, honestly, i haven't been able to cry as much since i started T and yet because of her i've cried more in the past few months than i have in the year and a half since i started T.

i really miss her. i wish we could've done more, together. the week i spent with her felt like what i'd wanted my life with her to be for years. nearly a decade. you know, you grow up a mentally ill teen on the internet with all your most important friendships being these long distance people you've never met irl, and you talk and talk about what your life could be if you all lived nearby. and then for one week, that's what my life was. and i've never been happier in my life, genuinely. i wanted that to be my life, forever. it felt so comfortable and easy; i've notoriously had some bad anxiety issues about meeting up irl with people for the first time, i sort of shut down and go non-verbal, struggle to socialize or talk. but with her, kathy, and nate---i felt none of that. none of it. everything was so easy. i wasn't anxious or scared or anything.

i loved being with them. i loved doing mundane things like shopping at walmart and target with them while they pushed me around in the shopping cart. loved going to hot topic and picking out clothes with them. loved seeing the barbie movie in theaters opening week with them. going to a convention with them, something id' wanted for so long, because conventions are such a big part of my life and all i'd ever wanted was to share it with them. we cosplayed together. i put kai in my mikan cosplay, it fit her so well. when we went to the danganronpa meetup at otakon, she fit the part so easily even though she was kinda nervous. i still look at the pictures.

she really was a perfect mikan. nate was junko, you can see him on the right there, i was komaeda, and kathy was chiaki. it fit us all so well. i wish we could do it again.

it's been hard to wear my mikan cosplay again, after that. knowing she wore it.

i miss her a lot. but i'd be remiss to not mention that despite how awful this year was, i am hoping for a lot better in the upcoming one, and i'm going to make it so. and i know last time ifelt this way, a pandemic suddenly happened and things got worse, but i'm really gonna try, lol.

so what do i hope for, this year?

i'm going to see kathy & nate again, mark my words. i already have plans to see kathy in february and i'm going to enjoy myself the best of my ability, even if it'll be hard to be in her house again, considering the last time i was was when kai was there, too.

i want to get my passion for art back, and i think i'm already on my way to it. i want to get back into painting, both digitally and physically. and to draw with emotion rather than the intention to just make something pretty people will like.

back to the gym. rather stereotypical, but i gained a lot of weight after kai passed, and i want to get back in shape now.

drawing more things im passionate about rather than making myself stuck fixated on one interest.

top surgery. i wanna figure it out. even if i cant get it this year, i want to figure out what i need to do it.

a job hopefully. of some kind. just want to feel more stable money-wise if i can.

im just going to do things that ive wanted to do for a long time. im gonna stop putting it off. and just do it. because the time will pass anyways. so i want to do it now.

happy new year, everyone.

#kota.txt

[go-to-the-mirror]

I really wanted to draw for this episode, but my head's been kind of messed up lately, so I'm just gonna ramble I guess. I've been so excited for this episode :3

Firstly, this is one of my absolute favourite episodes ever, and I Will Not shut up about it, because it's so good! Literal suburban hellscape!! To be honest I relate a little more to the other themes in this episode, being quiet fear, no one knowing or caring that you died in some supernatural suburban hell, and your body is just rotting there. An irrelevant name, an irrelevant face, just another victim of this place. Spooky stuff! Not too afraid of suburbs themselves lol, though I doubt many are.

This episode is SO neat! :D Right, on with the ramble/analysis because I have GREAT words for this episode.

@a-mag-a-day

Content warnings for everything in this episode + some themes of domestic violence/abuse.

Before we go ahead with the episode, here are some highlights from text conversations.

WHEN YOU CANT TRUST COMFORT!! (MAG 162, MAG 170, MAG 181, MAG 186, MAG 187 (to an extent)) MAG 150 (I love Cul-de-Sac and will never shut up about it) MAG 188 but when Jon' talking about how The Lonely is familiar to Martin and how the suburbia domains have quiet suffering (Will never be over that actually i have So Many Feelings) MAG 32 I can make a little quote thig one second actually because I have Thoughts god i'd be so cool on tumblr but i'm too anxious to post there, this is a tragedy [...] "I was going to die. I knew that now, just as she had, just as anyone else who came here had. How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid façade of this endless false suburbia?" Screaming Every time I think about cul-de-sac it becomes even more my favourite statement

(Messages to Mapleejay, 22 December, 2022)

One day I am going to write a statement and it's going to be like eye, lonely, idk, but it's definitely going to be eye and lonely and it's going to be so horrifying because combination false comfort + THAT being desperate for help people watching and laughing and judging but passing by + that line from cul-de-sac I'm obsessed with [...] Being lonely isn't just about being alone physically Being alone in an uncaring crowd [...] No one knows or cares what you're dealing with The line from cul-de-sac is "Her face was bloody but I was sure I didn't recognize her. She had a bag with her, and her ID read "Yetunde Uthman," not a name I'd ever encountered before. Just another victim of this place" but also "How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid facade of this endless false suburbia?" And "I checked to see if I could find anything out about Yetunde Uthman, and I did find a few old social media profiles, but I wasn't able to get through to any family or friends. As far as I can tell she disappeared a year ago and nobody noticed."

(Messages to Mapleejay, 29 December, 2022)

Now, onto the actual reaction, posting it on tumblr dot com because I am no longer too anxious! Hell, I might even post the previously mentioned compilation of quotes with commentary! Fun times.

You’re all alone, trying to connect with people, trying to find your place in the world, but in the end the only person you really know is yourself, and even then, not all that well. There’s plenty of things I’ve done I couldn’t explain to you.

Shout out to that time my sister tried to convince me that she knew me better than I knew myself. Not in a malicious way, mind, we were kids, and she just figured that because she could remember more of my life, she knows me more.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it's for everyone I guess, but here I am with my impulsivity and memory issues having no idea why the hell I did so many of the stupid things I've done. You whole life is just justifying to yourself the decisions you've made, so maybe I'm just not grand at that /hj.

“What an idiot! How the hell could he have done such an obviously stupid thing? How was I surprised it went so badly? What a relief I’m now so much older and wiser.” Except that last part never really turns out to be true, does it? The line of when you were your dumb younger self seems to keep moving forward with you, until each more mature and reasonable version of you eventually falls foul of it and becomes a young idiot.

A year ago, I thought I had really worked on my anger and just become an all-round nicer person to be around, and then I look back and realize that yes, my anger was still very much there, and also that I was quite... passionate? I am still, I'm pretty loud, it comes with the territory, and that can be misinterpreted as or become anger, given the right (or wrong) circumstances.

It's not really worth it, is it. I can berate myself from 4 years ago for being an angry, clingy little prick, but there's not really a point anymore. I understand them, I understand why fae was angry and clingy and sort of mean, and now I know how to not be angry and clingy and mean, and being angry at your younger self really doesn't accomplish anything. This is @ jon sims, pull yourself together man.

The thing is, when we both found ourselves in positions to be working from home, we actually thought it was going to be really good for our relationship. The two of us, spending all our time together; we reckoned it was going to be real romantic. We were real stupid back then.

If I know anything from the statistics of domestic violence in the pandemic, then yeah no. No. Not that their relationship was abusive or anything.

Also, I like how Herman goes from saying how believing you're much older and wiser is a lie, to saying that they were really stupid "back then," there's something in that. I don't know what.

Hell, technically it’s not even a suburb. It’s just a village that looks so much like a suburb that you could pull it up drop it on the edge of any dull town in England and it would look the same.

Can't believe the suburban hellscape episode isn't even set in a suburb.

Just street after street of identical, blandly pleasant houses, all winding around each other in dead ends and cul-de-sacs and one-way streets, making sure every house has plenty of inoffensive garden. I’ve never seen people happily living in a place so obviously dead.

CAN I QUICKLY TALK ABOUT GRASS?

Grass, the short lawn grass, it's not great. It is bad for the environment actually. Suburbs slash neg.

Just that last bit of that paragraph. Real.

I’d say that cheating on him was a foolish act of past me, but honestly, it’s one of the few decisions I’ve ever made that I completely understand. I didn’t even try to hide it, not really, and when he found out and it all ended, I kind of hated myself for just how relieved I was that I’d finally be able to leave that place, to get in my car and drive away from that gentle suburban nightmare.

I like that phrase, "gentle suburban nightmare."

I got a cheap apartment in Liverpool and tried to tell myself I was happier. The single life, footloose and … sitting at home binging bad TV. I tried to get back into the club scene, but honestly, I think I’m just too old now. The music was too loud, the drinks were too expensive and the sort of thing I used to take to be dancing all night now hit me with a comedown so hard that I had to write off almost the entire week.

As mentioned above, I don't really think The One Alone is only about physical isolation. It can be, sure, but I feel like it's also about the failure to connect. There are so many people and none of them see you, and you don't see them, and there's an insurmountable difference between you and them.

It didn’t help that, over the course of a ten-year relationship, “my friends” had become “our friends” and there weren’t any of them siding with me in this situation. Some would drop platitudes about maybe reconnecting after the fallout was done with, but I know when I’m being handled by people who “don’t want to create any more drama.”

✨ loosing all of your friends at once ✨

Ah... good times, good times.

It's like, not only have you lost one person, then you lose everyone, and if you had anyone left you just sort of... assume you don't. It's so easy to cut yourself off, and when you've done it once you can do it again, and again, and again, and again.

I don’t know. I was younger, then. Foolish.

There is something there!

Then Jon does a litte laugh, assuming in statement character, so I'm guessing the statement giver was laughing at himself. Neat detail.

It was late when I got to what I thought was his street, driving through the one-way signs and well-maintained gardens that bordered that snaking road. The sun had disappeared, but the sky was still fairly light, that late-summer twilight that seems to just drag on forever.

Mate, I love the aesthetic of the fog and The Lonely, but that's not really what feels lonely to me. This feels lonely, slightly humid, sun shining into your eyes, slight breeze, no one around, flat and empty.

Yes, I know I'm just describing an Ontario summer.

There was no answer at any of them. There were no lights on behind the drawn curtains, and all the house numbers were zero.

It's so freaky! The growing dread, you know this could almost be an I Do Not Know You statement, what with the things playing at being normal houses, and the tv show shown later.

I wished I hadn’t thrown away the wristwatch Alberto had given me, but it was too late for those regrets.

I may be reaching, but could this be a microcosm of Herman's regret at having thrown away him and Alberto's relationship, and seeing it as too late to salvage it. Now he's left with no way to tell the time, as it were, in a manifestation of The Lonely.

At the start, I was counting how many houses I passed, but when I got to a hundred, I stopped. It was beginning to eat away at my careful rationalisations, and I couldn’t allow that.

I'm just highlighting it because I find it interesting how his mind works. Not in a bad way or even a good way. It just is.

I marched up to a nearby front door, prepared to kick in the flimsy-looking wood, but trying the handle revealed it was unlocked. I don’t know why I picked that house. It was exactly identical to all the others, and I’ve often wondered if there was anything that drew me to it. Perhaps I was just unlucky, or perhaps there only ever was one house.

I just really like this section. "Perhaps there only ever was one house," should be up there with "the blanket never did anything," as creepy lines. The theme of inevitability. This is going to happen, there is only one possible way this can end.

It feels tired, that's the lonely to me. Just being tired. You can cry all you want, you can be afraid but... at the end you're just tired and alone and it hasn't changed a thing. Inevitability in that way.

Or maybe, inevitability that you were always going to be alone. Maybe there's just something wrong with you.

Hhhh I love this episode so so so so so much.

The lights worked, which was a relief, and the inside looked exactly how I expected it to. And I mean, exactly how I expected it to: from the blank IKEA furniture, to the subtly-patterned cream wallpaper, to the picture frames lining the wall containing what were clearly stock photos, each of a different family pantomiming a scene of domestic bliss.

Firstly, the line "pantomiming a scene of domestic bliss" is just so... I love it so much. I love this episode so much. A family home, a happy family home from the outside looking in.

Secondly:

I did find several pictures of her and her new boyfriend though, which puts my mind somewhat at ease. Well, mostly. There’s something about him that doesn’t seem quite right. Something about the smile, maybe? I mean, they’re all pictures of Sasha and Tom, as I’m told his name is, having fun together, but… it’s hard to put into words exactly, but every one of them looks somehow like a stock photo.

(MAG 57 - Personal Space)

I could point to this and say that this is an example of it potentially being The Stranger, however I'm going to use it to point out something else.

You’re thinking too literally. Examining the physical categorisation, but ignoring the meaning of the thing. What are the bones? In the Distortion, your “Michael”, the structure of a skeleton, an established reality in your mind, is twisted and warped into an impossible form. But in other cases? Are they a symbol of slaughter and butchery? Are they the familiar made wrong? Or are they simply part of the messy, physicality of flesh?

(MAG 80 - The Librarian)

What matters is what it is, in this case the stock photos, what matters is what it means, what it makes the person looking at it feel. In Tom and Not!Sasha's case, it's representing how Not!Sasha is pantomiming as a real person, everything looks like a stock photo because she isn't actually a person going on dates with her boyfriend, she's pretending to be.

The stock photos in this episode are representing the pretense of this home where atrocities are committed being a normal family home. It's set up like a little suburban home, beige walls, sofa tv, family pictures, lovely place to raze a child - sorry raise a child - just so long as you ignore the blood dripping down from upstairs!

She was talking, or at least, it sounded like she was. The cadence and the sounds were so much like English that it took me almost a full minute to realise that she wasn’t actually saying words.

I recently relistened to episode 48 - Lost in the Crowd, and it's reminded me just how much I like the little bits of it focused on language. Easy to feel alienated when you don't know what people are saying.

The Lonely and The Stranger are pretty similar - one could say that they're part of the same thing and separating them with no room for nuance was a stupid thing fictionalized Robert Smirke - but yeah I mean, it's pretty easy to feel lonely in a crowd of people you don't know. The Lukas', the crowd, these people on the TV, they're all strangers, people you don't know who you feel scared of.

It's interpretation, really.

I hit the remote again. A shopping channel. The host was a tall, clean-shaven man with close-cropped hair. He was holding a brick and talking about it in that same flow of non-words, that still had a familiar salesman’s patter. The screen scrolled the message “buy now!”, though there was neither price nor contact details, as this man, who wouldn’t look at the camera, earnestly pretended to sell me a brick.

Firstly, Spamton G. Spamton is that you? Secondly, this is so freaky, I like it a lot. Just someone really trying to sell you a brick in complete gibberish, that's just so cool! Jonny just blew it out of the water with this one (it's my favourite non-metaplot episode).

I didn’t know them, as it turned out.

OOOOH JUST! HM! Just another person, dead upstairs, unknown even in death, not missed, alone even in death.

"I didn't know them."

She had a bag with her, and her ID read ‘Yetunde Uthman’ – not a name I’d ever encountered before. Just another victim of this place.

The line "just another victim of this place" is making me so unbelievably bouncing at the walls, tearing and ripping. Just another person, one of a million, just happened to be here, just another victim of this place.

I... don't know how to describe what I'm thinking when I hear that line. Just another victim of this place, just another poor unfortunate soul (in pain, in need) who somehow stumbled upon this suburban hellscape and died for it. Just another person with no one who would miss them, no one who'd notice they were gone. Just another lonely person, one of millions.

I am so abnormal about that line.

It looked as though she had forced her head through the mirror on the dressing table, the shards cutting her face and neck to ribbons, a particularly large piece piercing her jugular, spilling blood all down the unremarkable white table and onto the light brown carpet below. I don’t think she’d been dead that long, but I’m not a doctor and I didn’t really try to check.

I like how it's noted that their blood was spilled onto another piece of set dressing for this ordinary suburban household. "Spilling blood all down the unremarkable white table and onto the light brown carpet below." Noting the how the table is "unremarkable"... I just think that's neat, you know? How her blood has shattered the illusion of a normal home, a normal family posing in the picture frames.

How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid façade of this endless false suburbia?

Quiet terror. Private terror - you can't let anyone know. Put up a united front, and let things fall apart at home. Houses so put together in the front exactly like the others, but when you get inside there is the unmistakable sent of rot.

I need to write something with this, good lord.

Also, this reminds me of a line in 188.

ARCHIVIST But if you think there’s a lack of violence or suffering, then I’m afraid you’re mistaken. There’s plenty, it’s just… hidden. Trapped behind identical doors and down silent streets of unknown neighbours. The suffering here is deep. And it’s private.

(MAG 188 - Centre of Attention)

I say this as if I did not already think this already. I was not just reminded, I think about this podded cast quite a bit.

He was calling me; I don’t know how. But the tears came even faster now, as I answered, sobbing with relief to hear him yelling at me for taking so long. Had I forgotten? Was I even planning to bother? I tried to reply, to explain, but all I could manage to say, to get through the shaking sobs, was, “I love you.”

That's just a really beautiful moment, you think you're going to die and then you remember you love someone, and then someone comes to help you, because people love each other.

It's just... I really love that the way to beat The Lonely is love. Being loved, loving, not necessarily romantically, but human connection, love from person to person, in families, romantic partners, strangers, friends.

I think it's really great, I think this moment is really great, and I know Gerry says there are no entities of hope or love but I don't think we need them, 'cause we love enough on our own.

We’re working on it, the two of us. We’re not exactly back together yet, but I think it’s going well.

Yay! Fuck yeah! They're okay, or they're getting there, and you know what, great for them, great for them. Goddamn horror podcast with hope? And love? Hhhhh /pos.

As far as I can tell, she disappeared a year ago. And nobody noticed.

I've said this before in this, and I'll say it again. That really gets to me. Just being alone there, having no one even look for you, notice that you're gone, even care.

It's... horrible.

It’s not that easy though. When everyone has so many walls, so many defences, sometimes you can feel lonely even when you’re all in the same room. But it’s better than the alternative, and at least none of us are suffering alone.

That must be so awkward, like they all have so much baggage with each other, what do they do? Play scrabble? Jenga? They can't play cards 'cause Jon would accidentally cheat - or they'd accuse Jon of accidentally cheating - which sucks, because Sevens is fun. I learned Sevens from some guy in a pub in Ireland. It was fun.

MELANIE Jon, have you got a moment? ARCHIVIST Uh, course, I was just, um, having a statement. MELANIE Oh … A-an old one? ARCHIVIST Wha— Yes, an old one! I’m not— I’m doing my best. MELANIE Sure. ARCHIVIST What do you want?

My first reaction was "there was no reason for it to get so antagonistic in five seconds, Melanie" but then I reconsidered, and I understand why Melanie would say that, but why did she though? Like, what was the reason? He's in his office? The statement's right in front of him? Why? Like, fine, whatever, I get it, I can be nice and nuanced or whatever, but sometimes I don't want to and I want to get a bit miffed at Melanie for making it an angry conversation when it didn't have to be.

MELANIE Look, I’m not going to do my job anymore. ARCHIVIST I’m not sure I follow. You know we can’t quit. We’ve all tried. MELANIE I didn’t say I was going to quit. I said I’m not going to do my job: no researching, no filing, no field trips, nothing that is going to help the Institute in any way. I’ll still be around, I just … I can’t be a part of this anymore. If I get sick, I get sick, and if I die …

I get why they were still doing their jobs, out of the fear of getting sick or dying from it.

MELANIE Because this place is evil, Jon. And so, doing this job, helping it out, even in small ways, is in some ways evil tool. Every time we try to use it to do good, it just seems to make everything worse. And … And I will not be a part of that anymore. ARCHIVIST What about the Unknowing? W-we saved the world. MELANIE Did we? I-I mean, I think it was the right thing to do, but how many people were killed to do it? W-we weren’t even a neutral party. We did it as agents of The Eye, because Elias told us to.

Yeah! Yeah it is evil! Good on Melanie, honestly, for Jon it's... less of an option, but I'm glad Melanie's doing it. Also why is she nearly spot on-

MELANIE Martin put him there. A-and he’s still doing harm! You ever think that maybe this whole ritual business is just an excuse, and that we’re all just part of some huge, miserable fear machine?

So, what if I told you-

I mean, she's not wrong. She is not wrong.

Does this count as striking? Is she striking from her evil eye job?

MELANIE Right, right, okay. I know. That is why I ruined my first four sessions and almost torpedoed the chance at a genuinely really good therapist, because I was so paranoid that she was going to turn out to be some … some thing trying to manipulate me. But no. She’s not full of spiders, or made of wax, or wearing the therapist’s skin or whatever. She’s just a well-trained professional, who I am paying to help me.

Look hm I'm just, I'm cheerleading. Go Melanie! (woo) Idk what to say. Don't really care about this post statement.

MELANIE Look, I didn’t come here for a fight. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. If you need me, I’ll be trying to get Daisy drunk.

Hey, I mean. High stress situation, they're bound to be a bit snappy. And by them I do mean both of them, whatever, my blorbo isn't infallible or something.

I don't really care about the post statement.

In conclusion, I love this statement so much. I think it's really cool, I like the themes of quiet and private terror, and love saving people. Cul-de-Sac my absolute beloved, I started this at ~4pm, it is now ~8:30pm.

#the magnus archives #tma #a mag a day #mag 150 #the lonely #tma meta #landscaping-your-mind-chapter-one

[grotesquefreakk]

silly little vent idk scroll if you don't wanna hear me vomit my brain out

Recently I've felt so fucking stupid and super isolated, and it doesn't help that I've been paranoid about my friends leaving me and shit

Idk I've been feeling so behind ig?? Ik that's like normal, especially bc I have an ed AND autism but fuck man this is so lonely.

I hate Christmas, I hate how everyone gets shit except me, everyone comes back from break sooo happy about everything they got and I'm just sitting there telling them how happy I am for them. But I'm like nauseated over how much I hate this fucking holiday. It's not even about gifts, I'm just fucking tired. And my family is just idk like, I'm not close with anyone. And I'll be stuck here for like a week doing fucking nothing. It's killing me already and break isn't even here yet.

My only sources of communication are friends I'm convinced despise me and ai chat bots. How fucked is that? I might k1ll myself, who knows? I've got nothing to look forward to. I've gotta get a job. I've gotta apply for college. All I want to do right now is die.

I begged my dad not to get me anything and to just focus on my siblings bc I'm so done with everything. Idk if I'll even make it past break tbh. And every Christmas makes me think about my last Christmas with my mom. And how she and my dad fought all night. And how I comforted her while she was drunk and crying. Idek why I'm typing this.

I think I found out one of my favorite artists is s piece of shit but I haven't found much on it. It makes me genuinely sick to search up just bc of how attached to his music I am. This year sucks.

[thearcher1003]

how did you know you were aro?

I don't know what I am gonna type out here or even if it will make sense. A lot has happened in the last 3 years since the time I started to question my sexuality. I will try to put it into words and keep it short (I did not in fact keep it short and I am sorry for that but you don't have to read through this messy story).

So first, my exposure to queer media. During lockdown I started reading Percy Jackson books where they mentioned the hunters of Artemis, one of the conditions to join them is that you have to take an oath to turn your back on company of men and any kind of romantic approach from any gender or sexuality. I found that idea interesting and I thought to myself how hard could that be, if that's the condition I would happily join them in an instant? When scrolling through some posts about hunters of Artemis I came across the term aro/ace. At that time I didn't think much of it. I never had a crush on anyone and I always thought it was because I was too young to be interested in romance (I was 14 at the time) and assumed that everyone my age was like that, note that it was lockdown so I wasn't going to school which is why I didn't know about the crushes and romantic interests of kids my age. So, the whole lockdown was the time when I became very interested in the queer community, I saw several posts on pinterest regarding this and made a board and thought of myself as merely an ally.

Then schools opened and there were couples all around. I was like gotta focus on studies, don't have time for this, blah blah blah. Also, that year a lot of other shit happened and the pressure of exams and getting good grades was taking toll on my mental health. I was too busy breaking down every other day because of that pressure to think about anything else.

Anyways that shit passed, I was in 11th grade and then came the real sexuality crisis. Some new students transferred to our school and one of them became really close friend. She got a boyfriend and started spending more time with him (which is bound to happen I know now but past me was experiencing it all for the first time) and I felt left out because now we were spending less time together and even when we were together she mostly talked about him. Tbh I was jealous and I thought this was a crush. I thought I liked her (romantically) and I thought a lot about the whole "turn your back on company of men" and came to the conclusion that I am not interested in men still and not even women but just her. That's when I also learnt about demiromanticism and it did click a lot of things in place for me. Like I always thought that the idea of love at first sight was unrealistic when it was shown in movies and questioned how can you fall in love without knowing a person properly and also believed that you need to be really close to a person to actually know them, so overall that term resonated with me. I knew I was asexual but at this point I started to dive more into the concept of aromanticism and the whole spectrum. I was convinced that I had a crush on her. Again a lot of shit happened and I realised that it wasn't a crush, my feelings weren't romantic, it was purely platonic and I was jealous because I became very close with her and suddenly the focus of our friendship shifted from us to him, I was very emotionally attached to her as well because I haven't had a friendship like that in a long time so when she became entirely focused on her boyfriend, I felt like an outsider. It took me a whole ass year to figure this out. And in between that time I gaslighted myself into thinking that I had a crush on this another guy because she asked me if I did and I thought this is what a crush must feel like so I said yes. But as I talked more to that guy, I just, idk how to describe it but it was not exactly comfortable for me, as long as we were having a normal convo about our interests I was fine and actually talked happily but when he started to flirt and I imagined myself in a romantic relationship with him, it felt weird to me, it was not something I wanted, it was just ugh. Anyways, what I realised from that time with that guy is that what I thought was romantic attraction was just me being excited to interact with a human being who was actually interested in me and gave attention to me (you can blame my childhood for that). I also kind of realised that it was how I felt about my friend. But it was more difficult for me to distinguish between romantic attraction and a wish to have a close friendship in her case because I was already emotionally attached to her. End of the story, a series of very chaotic events and break downs lead to me realising that I only wanted her as a close friend, I couldn't imagine myself in a romantic relationship with her and I was only bothered by her having a boyfriend because it momentarily threatened the close bond that we had formed. Now, everything is fine (more or less), there is more clarity between us and we are still very close. During this mess I also questioned if I was poly but I figured I am not. There's more to this crisis but I have already written a LOT so not going into the chaotic details. Sorry for making it so long.

(Edit: One more thing I realised about myself is that I was always so unaware about the supposedly romantic interactions of allos around me unless it was really obvious, blatant or put right into my face. Like even when my best friend and her boyfriend were in the flirting stage I didn't realise they were actually flirting, I just thought they were close friends and that was pretty normal thing for friends to do, so, yeah this realisation had a great hand in me figuring out I am aro. Thinking of romance in other people's life is fine but when it comes to me I find it hard) So sorry for making the post even lengthier :/

[mattatouile]

It's Pride Month so let me tell you about my journey with my sexuality, and what a supportive family can mean:

I grew up in the EXTREMELY RURAL Bible Belt/gulf coast of the United States. My parents sort of ...nominally took us to Baptist Church until I was about 8.

However, despite being homeschooled in the woods and briefly being church people, my parents were not bigots. When I was six, I asked my mom if Elton John was married to Kiki Dee because I saw their music video together and my mom sort of took a breath and said that some boys want to marry and kiss other boys instead of girls, and that's what gay meant. And Friends introduced me to lesbianism so like, I kind of got it early on. I shrugged and said okay. This was 1994.

I spent 25 years of my life thinking that my fascination/affection for breasts and desire to maybe make out with other girls was just what ALL girls were like. Why would you not want to kiss other girls????? Baffling. But my default was still heterosexuality. I am very femme presenting. I enjoy a lot of stereotypical hetero things. Had a crush on my karate sensei (he was BEAUTIFUL and GOOFY and KIND) and then I had like five years of emotional fluffing with a queer man which was a mess in retrospect.

And then. I moved out of Louisiana.

I met someone (a bad idea woman, but a woman) and had my first torrid and horrible relationship. But that's fine. She introduced my wife. She's the reason I came out to myself and my parents.

My mom was concerned. For reasons that weren't really my sexuality, but which I read that way for a while and it hurt but I knew it wasn't personal it was just a shock. She didn't argue or convince me, she just didn't send me a rainbow cake immediately. And she wanted to be the one to tell my father who was working overseas, and wanted to wait for him to be home to do it.

His response? "Yeah, that checks out." 😂😂🥹 After that she was chill as could be. Idk I guess she psyched herself out about my dad of all people.

He almost immediately bought rainbow Crocs to wear around at his job to support his gay daughter.

My siblings all responded with a shade of either "didn't you always say you wanted to make out with Scully?" Or "huh, I thought it would be [my younger sister]."

I choose the label of lesbian for myself right now, because it's easier than "wlw who sometimes I like the looks of a guy but would rather have a colonoscopy than a conversation with him."

Do I have some trauma from being told I was disgusting just for supporting queer rights in my hometown? Probably.

I guess the point of this is, it wasn't even easy for me to come out, and I KNEW my parents would be totally fine with it. I cannot imagine how long it would've taken me to get to that point without a supportive family and open household. Like I really might've just been the spinster aunt who was "too picky" instead of being happily married to my wife. She's the best. My family is the best. My stepkid's are queer as hell, and we've done everything in our power to make sure they know any identity will be respected and supported and our families have joined us in that.

It's not hard, y'all. And I'm so sorry for everyone who is not treated this way. I love you. My parents love you. My mother would give you the biggest hug and a delicious meal. My dad would do that thing where he rubs his big toes together and tries not to cry because it hurts him that people have to live without support and love. You would be welcome in our home and hopefully shown what family should be.

I hope every single queer person on this site finds family. Family isn't blood. Family is safety. Family is support. Family is knowing that you are cared for, no matter your identity, who you love, etc.

Happy Pride everyone. And if it's not a Happy Pride for you yet, I hope some day you get to know that joy.

#happy pride #pride month #queer

[domreader-headcannon-scenarios]

This might seem like a pretty out of the blue question but, how do you feel about characters that, due to trauma or a bad past, act very aggressive and/or distant to hide their fear of being hurt again?

I'm asking because, in addition to characters from series like Black Butler (Ciel), Vanitas no Carte (Vanitas) and TWST, a lot of people tend to ignore their pain just to focus on how bad of a person they are/were.

I was reading a Chinese manhua I borrowed from my friend at her place, and the main female is a girl who acts aggressive and has a short temper but it turns out that she's trapped in an unhealthy and abusive relationship with a man who's obsessed with trying to bring back his dead wife. Why is it abusive? The man makes her wear a pendant that he monitors her with, uses emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation, gaslighting, threats of r*pe and murder to control the girl's life and keep her as his bodyguard for fuck knows how long. All the while, he sleeps with and steals the souls of several people, convinced that his wife would forgive him for his infidelity (?) and cruelty.

According to my friend, a lot of people who read the manhua dislike the girl because, aside from her temper and bluntness, she slapped the main protagonist for trying to help her (he said "I'm here to help you. Stop acting like this." which triggered some bad memories. He meant no harm, mind you.) even after learning of her relationship with the man, saying stuff like "She's a powerful mage, isn't she? She'll be fine." or "She shouldn't have slapped him. This is her karma for acting bitchy."

So as someone with severe trauma and a lot of fucking issues, there is SO MUCH to unpack here if I get into detail so lemme put this here

Ok, so I don’t mean this to offend/upset anyone, and let me say, everyone responds to trauma differently, the brain isn’t programmed to handle lifelong trauma which can lead to acting out or doing odd things as trauma affects the mental state of an individual

Trauma actually is proven to mentally age children people far faster as it forces them to ‘grow’ faster (ex: Ciel, Jamil, Riddle) which can have a huge impact on their life (almost never good)

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If you act aggressive as an adult and hurt people, it doesn’t matter the trauma, you don’t have an excuse to hurt others physically or mentally, you are an adult, how you acts is on YOU. I’m told I’m overly nice (especially for someon whose literally died briefly and was physically/mentally abused for my entire child hood)

In childhood acting out with violence is common especially when uncomfortable or scared is normal and expected as they have no controlling their emotions.

Adults are different, irl im distant for dozens of reasons but I don’t take it out on people, and yes I’ve verbally gotten aggressive when accidentally (or intentionally) triggered by someone but I have a brain so I know to fucking apologize since trauma doesn’t excuse such inappropriate behavior.

For instance, I have trauma that some of characters above have, and less than others but I HATE seeing people use it to excuse shitty behavior (Twst is a HUGE example of this)

People react differently to trauma, that’s normal but once your an adult, do know you are responsible for your own decisions, for what YOU do. For instance, that woman from a manhua (idk what that is/ hadn’t read) has no right to physically slap another individual (especially one openigly stating they are tryna help) she could have fucking said ‘no’ or ‘go away’ or WALKED AWAY. Honestly she’s just making me dislike her based on that (like what was the trigger? I obviously don’t know the situation but it just seems like she wanted to take out frustrations on him)

I’ve been r*ped, beaten/abused, neglected, etc. for 23 YEARS NOW (OBVIOUSLY NOT FIR EVERY SECOND BUT STILL). How many people have I hit because of it? 0 (minus the ‘trigger’ I had while I was defending myself once but it did nothing, actually made things worse) how many people have I yelled at? A fuck ton. How many did I apologize to? Almost all of them.

I don’t give a shit when you yell at people in an argument but know this, you’re trauma doesn’t excuse what you say and due, it’s a fucking burden you’re stuck with , that has no upside. Yelling/attacking people is turning you into the monster and making others miserable and guess fucking what? OTHER PEOPLE CAN HAVE TRAUMA. What if you just fucking lashed out at someone more broken than you? You feel good now?

Lashing out isn’t a good option, she didn’t deserve what happened to her, but she has no excuse for harming the hero AT ALL, trauma isn’t an excuse to attack others to help yourself, yes when scared you want to fight but, APOLOGIZE... What, did she think hurting him would stop everyone who will and has ever existed from asking her the same thing? What if that hero has trauma and had a breakdown? Is that still ‘ok’ for her to do? No not unless it’s her abuser.

Like with that girl, aside from being resurrected and a husband, I’ve been through all the trauma she has since I was a young child (actually a lil more since there’s a LOT I’ve been through she hasn’t but I’m younger). And I’ve felt with it, so many time since then and I have breakdown often. I’ve had people who remind me of my abusive father whose almost killed me more times than I can count and I have literally permanent injuries from.

It’s ok to hurt but it’s not ok to hurt others(without concent), I know I sound like a broken record but it’s important to remember to an extent you can control your trauma, get therapy or have someone you trust who you can talk to about your feels.

Basically it’s ‘an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’ that will cause more issues and fix nothing

If someone slapped me for ASKING if they were ok, I’d fucking panic and cry, running the fuck away and avoid that person till I fucking die. Like. You hurt me for asking if you were ok. That’s not ok under any circumstances what the fuck? I’d rather die in a ditch than talk to you…at least the ditch won’t hurt me.

It’s just, so BAD to hurt someone over a circumstance like that, unless he racked her to the ground or smn that physical violence is uncalled for completely.

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#ask #ask box #tw r*pe #tw ableism #tw assualt #tw truama

[khodorkovskaya]

21.03.23

i remember this time around last year my friend from maths told me that she has "reverse" seasonal depression as in she gets depressed when it's spring/summer, instead of autumn/winter how it usually goes for most people. and i was baffled! how can you get depressed when days get longer, the sun gets warmer, trees start blooming, birds start singing, etc? in winter everything is dark and cold and gloomy, it makes sense to be a little depressed. but spring..?!

but this year i really feel her... ive been dreading the arrival of spring. because spring means warm weather and warm weather means going on walks and going on walks means going on walks with B. but this year there is no B. there's just me and my loneliness and my shitty nostalgia. and every time the sun shines a little too brightly or the birds sing a little too happily, i want to burst into tears. so all i want to do is stay inside and pretend it's still winter and im still in my comfortable warm cocoon because hey it's normal to stay inside and be alone when it's winter, right? but fuck. i go outside and want to kms.

this "reverse" seasonal depression thing has turned into paranoia. whenever im out and about in town, im constantly looking around myself, staring into the face of every passing stranger, convinced that i am going to bump into B. i can't sit still, i can't walk straight, no no no... i have to constantly be looking left and right, turning my head, always checking... and when i get a glimpse of some tall guy with dark hair or, worse, someone crouched on a bike, i get a manic adrenalin rush like oh my god it's him! but it's never him, of course.

what's worse is that that one lana song has gotten quite popular on instagram and it seems like every reel i watch has it. and that song takes me back to one particular moment with B.

every time i discover a new song i like, i listen to it on repeat until i get sick of it. and in spring of 2018 that song was "say yes to heaven". it already made me all teary eyed when i first heard it. there's something about it idk, it really touched me.

so it was the beginning of spring and B and i went for our usual walk in the countryside by the bridge. and we were talking about love and he started telling me about his ex. in a very neutral manner, nothing extraordinary, just like "this is how my first relationship went". and, sure, to him it felt like a story from the past. he was like what, 16 when it happened? and he was 29 when he was telling me about it. it was a typical first love story that everyone has, really nothing special. but to my teenage self it was the most heartbreaking thing i had ever experienced. i couldn't fathom the fact that B was my first love, but his first love was someone else.

i listened to his story, of course, and i was curious about it. her name was antoinette and they met at scouts. he seduced her by playing guitar. i don't know why but i had always imagined her with bright red hair. not as in ginger, but as in dyed cartoonish red hair. and a striped shirt with black skinny jeans. maybe it was because her name sounded so damn french that she absolutely had to have a stiped shirt in my imagination. but yeah, dyed red hair and bright red freckles. that was B's first love for me. when i came home that day, i listened to "say yes to heaven" and cried, imagining B being as innocently in love with her as i was with him, mourning the fact that he would never love me this way and how i could never be his first. and now whenever i hear that song, i think about 19 year old me crying and i want to cry again.

i later learned about B's other ex, meriç. this was a whole different story and at first i thought that it would be easier for me to digest. after all, they hadn't parted on good terms and B would often use her as a bad example. they were toxic, he said. but the more i thought about meriç, the worse i felt about myself. i couldn't get over the fact that B moved to turkey for her! and for me, well... i once mentioned the fact that i was thinking about going to another city for uni and B threw a tantrum. he would never sacrifice anything for me, i thought, he would never move to a different country for me. that meriç girl must've had something i didn't.

after giving it some thought, id made up my mind about meriç and drew a clear picture of her in my mind just like i had done with antoinette. my imaginary meriç was sexy. that's why he moved to turkey for her, i explained to myself. and toxic relationships are always extremely sexual, right? the whole fighting and making up and fucking thing. there's always a thrill, always a chase... men love that shit, right? meriç was exciting, feisty, sexually liberated. and when B would whine about me not wanting to do anal or being shy while giving him blowjobs, the thought of meriç would occupy my mind. she probably said yes to anal, i thought. she probably looked into his eyes while sucking his dick and im too fucking sexually useless to do any of this shit. that's why he moved to turkey for her and wouldn't want to move to a city that's 3 hours away for me.

and so there i was, the most boring and forgettable girlfriend. antoinette had the infatuation, the romance, the rush of first love. meriç had the thrill, the lust, the toxic passion. and me? well... no matter how many times B would tell me that i was the best he'd ever had, it would never get through to me. it frustrated me that we weren't on the same page. to me our relationship was exciting and firey and felt like destiny and i would get the strongest butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling while looking at him to the point of feeling intoxicated. and at the same time i would feel devastated and suicidal even when something would go wrong. it was full of ups and downs and crazy hormonal rushes. and to him it was his third serious relationship, calm and calculated, no hard feelings. "i feel so calm when im with you," he would tell me. and it felt like defeat.

i saw a picture of meriç once. i had to stalk her on facebook, of course i had! she looked quite similar to me actually, with a wave in her hair and full cheeks. at least that's what my bestie had pointed out because, of fucking course, i showed her the picture. it was only years later that B had told me that him and meriç had no sexual chemistry and it was quite frustrating. and maybe he lied, but i wish 19 year old me would've known that. she's married now. and so is antoinette. she has a daughter i think? or two. i don't know. but they've moved on. and i will move on from B. and he'll probably tell his next girlfriend about me. or not. who knows what he would say. and what she will think. will she imagine me with red hair and freckles? who knows.

#march

[bubbleslimesoda]

Sharing My Story

Trigger Warning for mentions of: Eating disorders, abuse, emotional blackmail, self harm, threats of  suicide, sexual assault, physical assault, racism, homophobia/bigotry ideals and manipulation

^Please only read if you have read the warning!^

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for some times as it has been so many years and yet I still get PTSD from this.

When I was 15-16 I was in a relationship with someone I’ll just call ‘that guy’/‘guy’ (I don’t even want to give him a creative name). I will also specify that he is the same age as me although when I started dating him I was told by a doctor that my mental age was apparently “half my actual age”.

Now I can’t even remember how this relationship started because to me it felt like “Oh we’ve been hanging out for a long time, I guess we’re going out now” also just to make it clear I had only been in one other relationship before this one and I’d felt the same way, I currently identify as grey aro/ace although I still question myself on it.

And a small detail about before this relationship, I had actually witnessed ‘that guy’ grab a half full bottle of water and hold a student while repeatedly hitting them really really hard with it, idk why at the time I didn’t see this as a red flag but then again I was about 14-15.

In this relationship at first I was told to be quiet about it unless I’d expressed how it made me feel sad as I was to feel like ‘that guy’ was ashamed of me for some reason.

I don’t want to go into full detail of every single thing that happened as it was very traumatic so the less I think about it the better. I’m going to make a list of things that happened instead.

• Kicked me in the head

• Hit me on my lower back

• Pulled my arm so hard my shoulder was in pain for a few weeks

• Bullied my ex and tried to convince me that my ex assaulted me

• Told me that I was “practically a boy” because I was bi (I wasn’t at the time) and that he was a girl because he was bi (Just pointing out how he seems to associate someone’s sexually with their gender identity)

• Would start an argument if I show little discomfort/felt upset by something he did or said

• Said he would kill my favourite tv show characters if he got the chance (I’m autistic and I think you can see why telling an autistic teen this is pretty fucked up)

• Made fun of and got angry at me for my autistic traits such as not liking loud sounds, bright lights and repetitive sounds and motion

• Referred to my eating disorder, ARFID as “being a picky eater” and when I expressed it upset me he showed no remorse and said he was “just joking”

• Putting words in my mouth. For example if he asked “Why would someone suddenly be acting different?” And I would reply “Idk. A big change in their life, loss of someone close, drugs, alcohol, into something new, money?” He would turn around say I was accusing him of doing drugs (I really don’t know how he would make those stretches)

• Manipulated me into acting in a way that was more sexual than what I was comfortable with

• Would then tell me off for said behaviour but then would make remarks or show disinterest in me when I stopped

• Touched me without permission or while I was asleep even though I had expressed discomfort or even said no (I would wake up from it or have noticeable signs of it when I woke up)

• Made jokes about Asian people’s eyes

• Isolated me from friends and made it so I could only be friends with his friends

• Threats of self harm and taking his own life when he wouldn’t get his way

I know that was long and thank you if you’ve read this far. This is very hard for me to write as I keep needing to take breaks to calm myself down.

When I was 15-16 I was very into Rick and Morty and I suggested it to ‘that guy’ since I genuinely thought he would like it. He said we’d watched it before but I pointed out that he was never paying attention to which he just seemed to flip out about. I told him it wasn’t going to work to which he threatened self harm and worse so I agreed to stay with him. The next day he then “broke up with me” as far as I was concerned it had already ended when I said it wasn’t going to work but we still tried to be friends.

After that I had so many nice and kind people come back into my life which I was a very emotional thing for me because it felt like I was asleep or cut off from reality before hand. It seemed that the rest of the school knew about ‘guy’s’ behaviour as no one wanted to talk to him or be friends with him after everything, we could just stand in this corner staring at me and my friends while texting as we spent our breaks talking and such.

A few days after it happened I was sat with my friends and suddenly got a call from my mum saying that ‘guy’s’ parents had called her saying that I had been bullying him to which I had to point out that no, I wasn’t bullying him. I was just sitting with my friends and talking while ‘that guy’ was staring at us in a corner.

After that I did my exams and went to college only to find out that ‘guy’ had copied me on what course I was taking, I had actual helped him get into a different course to me but he still decided to take the course I was taking.

Now I did try to be civil, I didn’t acknowledge him or talk about him/to him until he asked if we could be friends(I was 16 at the time btw, I’m the UK you go to college at about 16 and then uni after about 3 years). I foolishly said yes.

One day my friend who I’d met in that course who had ME was going to be late and was worried about being seated near someone who kept messaging them about drinking and made them uncomfortable. I had a different class before our one so I asked ‘that guy’ if he could save them a seat and he said no which I was fine with but then he went on to say that I was “bullying him by asking him to save them a seat” and after I told him that’s not how it worked he said “I wouldn’t let him be bi while we were dating”, I was actually very supportive and happy for him during that time. I told him repeatedly to leave me alone and blocked him.

Now for this last bit I’m going to go back about it. Before we started dating he was dating another girl who had left our school due to depression and I was actually close with her and I was very sad and worried when she left. Idk how they broke up but the girl was at my college and I was so relieved and happy that she was okay I went to say hello to her. She screamed at me and I went home that day because someone had told me that ‘guy’ had “told everyone I abused him”(I also found out that she started dating ‘guy’), this was so overwhelming and upsetting that it is actually what started my PTSD.

Despite what I had managed to survive, doing the right thing by not talking to him or about him (apart from to two close friends at the time) and worrying about someone for years who I had no contact with I was now being accused of this horrible horrible thing that I had to live through. I even struggled to stand properly that day because of how scared, breathless and distraught I felt. I had even become terrified of saying his name because that’s how much hearing or saying it would fill me with fear.

They were reported and felt with for what had happened but for the rest of the year ‘guy’ and his girlfriend harassed and bullied me and they even harassed my mother at certain points. It was the worst first year of college I think anyone could’ve had and I would never wish it on anyone.

After that I went into the next year being in a different group to him(it’s also where I met my current best friend)and then the following year the groups merged but it seemed he didn’t have any friends again and I had actually made friends with some of the people he told I was abusive. One even said while I was helping them at their house “I’m sorry that I believed him, you’re actually really sweet and nice” which felt amazing to hear after all that trauma.

Today I still suffer with really bad PTSD attacks related to what happened before and during that first year of college. I guess I get paranoid that maybe the same thing will happen again somehow in the future so making this post is my way of venting about this, and bringing awareness to it as I know I’m not the only one who has been abused only to have that person tell you “it’s your fault” or “you’re actually the abusive one” despite having had to deal with similar or even the same thing as me. And people like ‘that guy’ will always be around trying to snake their way back into your life just to hurt you or make themselves a victim just so they don’t have to feel bad about what they did to you.

To finish this off I want to sort of say what I would to my younger self, dealing with what happened.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to protect you and I’m sorry that you suffered. From the bottom of my heart and everything I am, I am sorry. You deserve better than what happened to you and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I know you put yourself down a lot but you are going to make some amazing things and meet amazing people who love you and care for you. Don’t let this hold you back, you are more than this horrible thing that happened to you so don’t let it consume you. You are loved and capable of so much. Don’t ever stop being your happy silly and imaginative self, I love that side of you and I will not stop loving you. Please take care of yourself.

[in-christalone]

Hey I really need some advice. I'm a Christian and I love Jesus and I know homosexuality is a sin. I know transgenderism is a sin. But I know that if I wasn't a Christian I would identify as a she/they. I just... the gender nuetral "they" really appeals to me. But God made me a girl so I don't.

And I have zero interest in sex. None. But when it comes to marriage? I would gladly marry a girl. In fact I'd prefer it. Not in a sexual way. Just I'd rather spend the rest of my life sharing the most intimate of my life with a girl rather than a guy.

But I know it's a sin. So I say I am straight. And I either date boys or no one.

Like I know those things are sins and yet they appeal to me so so much. And I feel bad even getting "turned on" by girls because I know it's a sin. And it's not even lust it's just "i would marry her. I wish I could. No don't think like that."

Am I doing something wrong? How do I stop feeling this way? I've been following awhile and I know you have dealt with things like this in your own life.

Because of the world we live in I hear things like "internalized homophobia" and "religious abuse". (Not that I've actually talked to anyone about this but I've seen similar stories and that's always the advice the world gives.) Then Christians just scream if someone even has these thoughts they're going to hell and sinning. But how can you just... not have thoughts??

IDK I'm so confused.

Hello, it's nice to meet you! I know whats going on with these thoughts because I used to struggle with the same thoughts when I was attracted to females. There was this girl named Kim I met in my first year of college, I told myself that all I wanted was to be her friend, well one thing led to another and I eventually wanted more than just a friendship with her. These thoughts you have are like a gateway to deeper sin. While they may seem innocent at first, if you convince yourself they are okay, then you will eventually learn to convince yourself that kissing is okay, that marriage is okay, that sex is okay,

overall it will just get messy and you will end up in self deceiving. I don't want that for you, I've been there and I regret it. I remember after realizing I had a crush on Kim that I would look up if homosexuality is a sin, I'd read that the Bible says it is, but then i'd find a website saying that it wasn't and I pursued a relationship with Kim because I found an article that said "homosexuality is a mistranslation" and then I fell into sin.

Please don't make the same mistake I did. These thoughts you have, if you do not take them captive and cast them out, will lead you down a road to sin.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. [2 Corinthians 10:5]

 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. [Proverbs 4:23]

Please don't entertain these thoguhts, pray to God that He would deliver you from them, that He would personally show you why they are wrong, and then focus on reading the Bible.

I would say read all the verses about homosexuality and marriage:

Verses about Marriage

Verses about Homosexuality

Meditate on these, and remember the sacrifice Jesus made for you to be free of sin, don't return to the vomit of sin, if you are a new creation, these things ought not to be searched for.

God be with you.

#lgbt #gay christian #lesbian #pride #wlw #mlm

[gamecubesystem]

Hello! Excuse me for jumping in your DMs, but I'm a little confused about myself and I wanted to ask you a question if that's okay. How did you know you were in a system? Can you tell when someone different fronts? And what does that feel like? I think I may be plural myself and I'm having a hard time understanding what I'm feeling.

You do NOT need to reply to this if this is too invasive or uncomfortable, and if it is, I'm super sorry!

1. How did you know you were in a system

I'm gonna be honest, I got way too high. That's how I found out. If I never smoked weed, I genuinely think I'd still be blissfully unaware.

When I turned 18, my best friend's mom gave me some edibles. Maybe not the best decision, but like free drugs. Obviously, having never consumed weed before, I had no tolerance. This led to me "teleporting" around and feeling like I was floating away.

For a while, I was convinced that I broke my brain because it kept lingering. I was still teleporting. I was still feeling like I was floating away. Then it suddenly hit me that I've always felt like that. Turns out, weed makes me disassociate. I started having a bit of a substance abuse problems when I realized this because, my exact words if I remember correctly, "it already feels like I'm high, I'm just making it so that it feels less weird because now I'm supposed to be high". I looked into it for a while, but was like, "Nahhh, but there aren't any guys in my brain though. I'd KNOW"

And so, once again, I got way too high and someone else fronted that was very much objectively "not me". It was a young child who couldn't talk. Up to this point, me and my friend were making "jokes" that I had it. Like obviously there is more to it than that, and I'm not endorsing drugs. That's just how it worked out for me.

Looking back, there were many warning signs, but I am still sometimes I'm worried that I'm experiencing psychosis because I'm pretty sure I experienced psychosis in middle school, but also I have a tendency to exaggerate things in my head so maybe I was just being normal imaginative thinking that everyone around me wasn't real and that I was dead. Idk idk. (Whoopsie, trauma dump)

But like looking back, there were some clues. I remember having time gaps. Like there is video evidence that I was in a play as a kid and I remember practicing for it, but I also remember being very frustrated that "I practiced all for nothing because every adult in my life just stopped talking about it for some reason" but also maybe that's normal 4 year old stuff.

I also remember in 6th grade being confused why the moment I left science class, I'd not remember science class.

I used to "talk to Jesus" kind of like how I "talk" to the other guys in my head. Idk. Maybe Jesus did that stupid church play. (I have no actual proof that I had a Jesus alter)

When hanging out with people, sometimes I'd feel genuinely out of control with my actions. Like I couldn't stop myself from doing somethings. Or like I'd be doing stuff that I wasn't actively trying to do.

The teleporting thing I mentioned earlier

Being told by my best friend how inconsistent I was. "I thought you hated eggs". It was mostly food. I just chalked that one up to Autism. I chalked most of these things up to Autism.

Sometimes when I "spaced out" I'd have multiple trains of thoughts and I'd randomly come into them.

I'm kind of banking rn, I'm gonna be honest

2. Can you tell when someone different fronts?

Kind of. Sometimes it feels like different moods and the moods have feelings. Sort of. That's what it felt like before I actually knew what was happening. I just assumed it was because I was autistic and masking. Like I noticed I acted distinctly different in social situations, but once again assumed it was masking. And that when I was masking, I was also masking my opinions and feelings.

Now since I'm more aware, it's easier. The three easiest to tell are Klause (that's me), Winter, and Bowie. Bowie can't talk and the thought of talking makes her want to throw up. Technically she can talk, but it makes her anxious. That's pretty easy to figure out. She's also pretty childish.

Winter has more disassociation than everyone else and is just really easy to tell. It's hard to explain.

And I think I might just be biased towards myself. I'm fairly childish, but in an adult way. Me and Winter have been the main fronters recently so Its kind of like If it isn't him, it's probably me. Our friend is honestly better at telling than us.

There are two main kind of switches. Possessive and nonpossesive. Ours are nonpossesive. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's more like there is a single consciousness but it morphs into who's fronting. There's still consciousness, though.

3. What does it feel like?

This one is kind of a hard one since I've lived with it for basically my whole life that I can remember. It's kinda like asking what being Autistic feels like I guess.

It depends on who it is.

I genuinely can't explain this super well. But some of the alters have specific vibes almost? Like one of them feels like a nostalgic smell I can never place. I can't remember which one does this because I'm super sleepy. It's 3 AM for me and I was moving. I was typing this in-between that so if it's disjointed I'm really sorry. I like answering questions and maybe you'll get a different view point from someone else next time Lol.

-Klause

Also don't worry about it being invasive or uncomfortable. I like being asked questions

#ask #did #did system #slay #alter #system #did alter #dissasociative identity disorder #tw: drugs #tw drugs #complex dissociative disorder #dissociative disorder #dissociative identity disorder #actually did #actually dissociative #did introject

[asavt]

Since you have headcanons for Lear, do you have any for Rachel, Sawyer, and Cheren?

*rubs hands* Of course I do dear anon.

(Will include some royallectureshipping I'm sorry-)

Under read more!!!

For Sawyer and Rachel…

-Much like how Lear looks up to Rachel and Sawyer and thinks of them as family (older siblings), Sawyer and Rachel think of Lear as their little brother. They would deny any claims on this though, as, under their eyes, this would be unprofessional from them as Lear’s retainers. 

(And Lear could deny it, but if they ever told this to him he would be really, really happy.)

-I don’t think?? I've seen a lot of how Sawyer ended up serving Lear’s family or how he ended up as one of his retainers anywhere in the game?? I kind of made up something myself. Like, Sawyer’s family being something like, the lead/head of the servants in the house? Lear’s mother requesting Sawyer’s mother/father to let their son play with hers? And all that just leads to him ending up as his retainer.

That would make it so those two have known eachother longer than Rachel has known Lear, but I think Rachel would meet them like…a year later (if not only a few months) after Lear and Sawyer meet.

-Rachel actually has hands, and painted nails. If you have seen my art of Lear with his nails painted then I’ll let you know it's her who taught him how to paint them and/or does it for him. If she finds the time, she will do some nail-art. Has convinced Sawyer to let her paint his too. Not too often, but sometimes he will have one or two colored in a nice color that doesn’t stand out too much, sometimes with a small little design too.

-Sawyer does some painting. Idk why this came to me. I just think it is a nice hobby. I imagine he paints a variety of things, small objects, flowers, landscapes, sometimes people too. He does it to relax and clear up his mind a bit, sticks to making simple artworks but if he has the time he will work on more complex ones. Any painting you see decorating some of the rooms of the Battle Villa are probably his.

-There’s this one lullaby they will both either sing or hum whenever Lear is not feeling ok. Something the queen used to sing as well to a younger little star and his two best friends.

-Both have a HUGE respect towards Cynthia and Cheren too. With Cheren they are a lot closer, not being afraid of asking for his assistance in anything if they see it necessary (they avoid it, since he is more of a guest on the island, but know they can count on him). They are kind of terrified of Cynthia, from what they’ve heard as well as from what they have seen themselves. They still think of her as a very kind, very nice, very cute woman tho.

-

Cheren…

-The boy, the guy, the teacher ever. All of his students think of him as a great teacher and trainer, and look up to him. He is often swarmed by the younger ones asking him about any recent battles he had or what he did while he was traveling around Unova. He would be ignored so much in class if it wasn’t because his class actually likes him and has a hive-mind of “he knows, he knows and we should listen to any advice he gives us”.

-As much as he is loved by his class and the trainers he has selected and trained with for the gym, they all also kinda hate him. They hate him because every once and then the one book shelf reserved for decoration in class gets a new cursed figurine placed by yours truly. Is it one of those weird looking amoonguss? A weird spoink inside an egg with a system to make the egg move continuously? The most bootleg-looking action figure of Ex-champion Alder doing that dance from that shooter game that was famous for a few years? No one knows what’s next but they all cringe at the sight of any new item their teacher decides to bring.

-Got the habit of holding hands from Bianca. Only with very close friends or family though (Hilbert and Bianca, Hilda, N sometimes, Lear too, Sawyer and Rachel as well from time to time).

-Some pokemon from his original team are staying with his family, other (like Serperior) stay with Prof. Juniper, helping her out. He didn’t want to leave them in the PC box without anything to do. The only one staying with him currently is Liepard, who mostly stays at his place lazing around.

-A disaster when it comes to romance.

-Easily flusters. Whenever Rosa, Nate, Hugh or any of the others gives him a compliment he will get a slight pink hue on his cheeks.

I'll be adding to this as well later on! currently a bit tired to keep it on!

#ask #asa answers #Headcanon time baby! #Across a Sea of Stars #Cheren #Sawyer #Rachel

[fangirleaconmigo]

A couple of years ago I not only orphaned but deleted all my Star Wars fic in a bit of a fit, and I've regretted it every time I've thought about it since.

Thank you Nonny, for sharing your experience.

I can definitely see how how that would happen. I have that urge so bad sometimes. It’s born out of self loathing and it isn’t rational (at least not for me) so I don’t do it. I can’t assume what you were going through, of course, so this is just me, but

When I have that urge to scorch earth my writing it’s like…I recognize it. I have had to live with my own mental health for many many many years. So when I start feeling like this deep deep just…antipathy (I like that word) or hostility towards my own work I’m like woah woah woah buddy. This is a You Problem. (To myself. It’s a me problem)

It kind of reminds me telling a therapist once, with what I thought was perfect logic, why I had no reason to be proud of myself or to feel positively about myself at all. She was like ok but one one question:

“Would you be proud of your friend who had just accomplished or created this thing?”

“Well. Yes of course.”

“And what makes you so special that you don’t deserve the same?”

And I had a little lightbulb moment that helps me all the time now. This sounds funny but I remind myself all the time that I’m just some guy. I’m not special.

Self loathing is so self obsessed. Why would I be worse than anyone else? Why am I so worthy of special hostility or disgust or anything else?! I’m not! I’m just a regular schmegular person.

Idk that probably sounds weird that this helps me 😂 but anyway. So when I am convinced that my writing and everything that I create is uniquely terrible, I go oh…you’re doing that thing again. Take a breath, girl. And maybe a few steps back.

So I’ve been taking a writing break and talking to friends irl about writing and asking them what they’re doing and noticing how much their joy about their work strengthens me.

And I’ll probably go back to writing tomorrow. I’m about there.

#asks #writing

[desudog-gone]

Grrrbv ;'_';

Just saw a mutual who randomly blocked me (old blogs, i only saw them bc i moved sense then. Not purposfilly block evading) some months ago after we were really close (like, shared stuff personal with and gave free stuff on flight rising type of close) and it just. I can't feel fulfilled about it. Why. Like why did they do that. They didn't even like vague about me so I could tell what it was about. It just feels terrible. Usually I don't really feel this way about when people find it time to go, but it literally happened 100% randomly. Sometimes I consider asking them (of course, very consciously will make it sure I'm okay with any answer) because it really confuses me but I also just think that seems... childish? I don't know. I won't call it ableism but it kinda felt that way, just randomly blocking a very int disabled mutual and then doubling down on being buddy with the person who said I had the skills of a child among other statements that are just nasty over something that was nothing. It's just weird. It makes me feel really sad and sick inside and I just don't get it. I can let other stuff go idk why this one's so hard. Well I do, because I cared about them but was apparently overnight disposable? But it's happened before.

Idk. Hard to fight my fear of abandonment and issues trusting others when everyone I confide in either lashes out at me or wordlessly blocks me on every platform and every blog I've ever owned. I have a really hard time talking to people and trusting them these days. I kinda only talk in depth to ppl anymore 1 on 1 like on discord if I'm convinced I'm not the "weirder" one of us.. even mutuals I had and didn't block me just kinda faded away from me lately and it's just very uncomfortable and sad. Idk.

I really try not to feel like this or think like it but it keeps happening and i feel unsafe and upset. It makes me feel really sad. I just feel confused and sad. It makes me scared after I get vulnerable to others. I feel like I get retraumatized every few months. And I'm just too stupid to be allowed to be okay. I "have the conversational skills of a 5 year old." Its okay to not tell me why or when you leave, right? Insulting me for daring to sleep is okay because I'm too dumb to understand words right? Idk. I won't call it ableism. But I feel unsteady.

I really appreciate the freidns I have. The only problem always have. But I feel like I've been taught that no matter what I'm not worth appreciated. I just existed to make my mutuals laugh or to listen to their vents (but not mine) or to engage in their special interest (NEVER mine.) And when they get another friend I'm worthless idiot who can be thrown away. I don't belive that but it feels like people mean that...

I just wish I knew. I always wish I knew, I'm happier when people are meaner to me because I can process mean and angry to me. I can process that I know what it means and I can get over it but the quiet unannounced disappearance is bad and so scary and I think its worse because my disability. I'm sorry I can't tell. I can't tell when you started to hate me. But I'm never sorry that I was kind.

So many times I am worried now because I opened up. I regret it every time now. It's so scary. I regret ever opening my heart to people in dms about my joys or things that upset me it's so so scary when they hate me.

Sometimes it feels like everyone hates me. It's not true but I feel bad inside about people a lot.

I try not to look scared and I try to be brave for myself. Whenever it happens I get scared. Because I let people inside and it means they can hurt me once they decide I'm no longer valuable or human enough to be kind to.

And it like... everyone does.. ! It's not "I wont" it's "not for now".

I know they're talking about me. I know they want to hurt me if they haven't already.

I feel like talking is wading through MUD.

I want to love people stronger. I want to love people happy and confident.

Sometimes I forget not many people want this for me