#idk maybe it's because I went into the show already having a positive perception of Wil Wheaton

[emometalhead]

I think my most controversial Star Trek: Next Gen opinions are that I like Wesley, but I don't really like Riker.

#my brother and dad are so amused by my takes about the show #I admittedly have very little prior knowledge about any of the series and before starting the show knew nothing about the fan opinions #my dad and brother are informing me of how my opinions clash or mesh with common fan opinions as I express them #but yeah I have no issues with Welsey #from my understanding people think he's annoying? but like he is way less annoying than a lot of other teen boy characters I've seen #like in the episode I just watched Picard yelled at him to shut up and I felt bad #idk maybe it's because I went into the show already having a positive perception of Wil Wheaton #as for Riker... idk his vibes just aren't it #he comes off as kind of a creep and for whatever reason I just don't click with his character #my favorite character so far is probably Data tbh #idk I'm only halfway through the first season so opinions are bound to change but this is where I'm at right now #probably not going to become a frequent Star Trek poster but I do like documenting what I've been watching and discussing irl #actual dedicated Trekkies ignore me lol #ashley rambles #star trek

[murdereraisuha]

Final Chapter 5 Reflection

This will have my personal opinion/thoughts on:

The VDC outcome, Rook’s actions, and what could’ve made it better

The Rook reveal and Neige

Kalim, Jamil, and Epel’s development

The Grim scene

Total word count: 2134 words

--- 1 ---

So, RSA won the VDC. My feelings on this are mixed.

Looking at it in relation to the whole plot of TWST, it makes sense. It moves the chance for NRC to finally beat RSA to the upcoming magift tournament, which gives NRC’s potential victory a large amount of excitement/importance which it wouldn’t get from this middle of the year championship.

Furthermore, Rook’s actions do make sense based on his personality. If Vil really didn’t believe that he himself was beautiful, Rook of course would vote for the team that exhibited pure joy in their performance and therefore exhibited a heartfelt beauty. It would be a lie to vote for NRC, and it would disgrace both Rook and Vil. Rook’s actions plot wise also lead to the discussion about Vil valuing himself vs seeking value from others, which I think is a crucial thing for Vil to remember. While trying to gain recognition for hard work is good, and Vil certainly does deserve recognition, it’s much more important to maintain a good perception of yourself even when things happen or people wrongfully say things that might tear down your self-esteem

However, I still have issues with how this played out in relation to the plot of chapter 5. It’s unrealistic for all of Vil’s misgivings about himself to get fixed through the power of friendship and beating each other up. But, still, the team went through a lot in order to get to the championship united and ready to perform. It feels like a slap in the face for them to lose after all that. Especially the scene with Kalim and Epel crying while Ya Hoo cheerfully plays in the background, it's so comically dissonant. Though we already got an explanation from Vil about how Neige’s performance appeals to viewers, I was still shocked. At least it was a close competition rather than a crushing defeat. 

Also, while Rook’s message was sound, the timing was rather bad. Vil and the rest of the team just had a massive battle and then went through a whole song & dance performance without major blunders while still injured. Focusing on Vil’s self-esteem there makes it seem like Rook is just brushing all that determination and effort away. Though Vil doesn’t seem to truly hold it against Rook since he offers the handkerchief back to Rook when he cries, the situation still feels off.

In conclusion, I think that the plot events made sense. However, the execution of them could have been improved. As is, it’s hard to understand Rook’s motivations in this part due to the ridiculousness of RSA’s kid’s song winning. To fix that without just completely overhauling the plot, I believe that the admirable qualities of Neige and the dwarves should have been shown more clearly. For example, while the Pomefiore CM shows a glimpse of their bond, that’s nonexistent in the game. I think that incorporating that into the game (ex. a short scene of Neige reassuring the dwarves that their performance will go well before they step on stage) would help people understand Rook’s point of view better by showing instead of just telling us about the belief Neige has in his friends.. 

Moreover, alongside better reasons for why Rook choose RSA, I think it should be clearer why he did not choose NRC. It seems an attempt at warning of the “betrayal” was done with Vil menacingly saying he’ll win the VDC during the voting, followed by the shot of Rook just going “........”.  To make this less sudden, I think I would change episode 66. Though that episode has Vil saying that he’s ugly, because the team contradicts him and keeps him as the leader it makes it seem like the problem is solved there. Therefore, to better lead to Rook’s speech, I would change episode 66 to have Vil show more hesitation and signs that he still doesn’t believe in himself. 

--- 2 ---

Anyway, on to the reveal about Rook. I wasn’t sure what to think about the name slip up during the previous part, but I just guessed that maybe they’d met before and that meeting is related to RSA and Rook having light magic. Nope, we get Neige simp Rook. I think this reveal was really surprising, but more in a funny way than a “ruins Rook’s character” way. It’s nice to see Rook seriously caught off guard by Neige just nonchalantly exposing him in front of everyone, and everyone’s reactions were extremely funny.

I think that the chapter did a decent job of making it clear that Rook’s relationship with Neige as a fan of him is vastly different from Rook’s calm admiration of and friendship with Vil. I’m kind of curious now about how and when Rook became a fan though. Him being the 2nd member of the fan club implies that Rook found Neige when Neige still hadn’t gotten much fame yet. 

I loved everyone’s Ya Hoo too. Ace and Jamil having level 0 enthusiam, Kalim and Rook having level 1000 enthusiasm, Deuce being startled but slowly getting into it but still being kind of eh, Epel just keeping that wide-eyed confused expression the whole time. ボーテ、１００点. For Vil, I understand that he was probably faking his big smile for the benefit of the audience. However, I still hope his opinion of Neige has improved somewhat or will improve. Neige telling Vil that he’s still number one in the eyes of the people who voted for him was really sweet and their interactions with each other are pretty cute/funny when Vil isn’t trying to murder him.

Unlike other minor characters like Chenya and Farena who either weren’t involved in the plot or were only involved as backstory, Neige is Vil’s present rival and motivation for doing the stuff he does and over blotting. With such a large presence that continued all throughout the chapter and the Rook reveal, it would seem strange for Neige to suddenly drop out of existence come chapter 6.

Therefore, assuming that the Grim situation doesn’t derail the current patterns we’ve seen in the story, I think that Neige will be included as part of the Pomefiore involvement in chapter 6. Of course, it could be something small like getting called in for a favor near the end or just mentions of Rook continuing to write him fan letters. However, I’m hoping it’s something larger. From my analysis of the previous part:

Vil’s team’s performance had a lot of cohesion and rehearsal put into it, but it was very competitive focused. On the other hand, Neige and the dwarves obviously had a lot of fun with their performance. However, it was clumsy and they were ill prepared. Therefore, Vil could teach Neige more discipline and planning while Neige could teach Vil about how to not lose sight of finding joy in your work. 

Now that we have confirmation that Neige is a genuinely nice guy, I really want Vil & Neige friendship to happen, or for them to at least be on good terms with each other. It might just be my personal love for relationships where one person tries to be all rival-y but then the other is like “nope, I’m going to friend you whether you like it or not,” but I think this sort of development in the story of TWST would be really enjoyable to watch.

--- 3 ---

For the performance of Absolutely Beautiful, I love that Jamil got to be in the center for a bit. However, that also just makes me more disappointed that we didn’t get more Scarabia or anything about how their families are watching this. With the stuff in 5-30 and 5-34 focusing on Kalim’s perspective on things and his relationship with Jamil, I thought that at some point we would get a final scene focusing on them and how they’ve developed since chapter 4. What we got with  Jamil swooping in to the rescue with the magic carpet then talking about how he could sense that Kalim was about to do something stupid was better than nothing, but idk. I just love the writing and complexity these two have gotten and I wanted that to continue to the end. I still have hope though! If we can get a thing about Leona noticing the traces of magic in the arena, then we can get future appearances from the Scarabia boys too!... please...

Now, for Epel, I also have mixed feelings about his development throughout the chapter. I absolutely loved the beach scene with Deuce and Epel, it was so cute and I liked Epel realizing the power of beauty because of the apple juice Magicam post. However, I think the narrative missed something important. Though Epel’s views had a lot of improvement to be made, Vil’s treatment of him was also terrible and should have been addressed. I believe Vil saying that “throwing a tantrum and taking it out on others was terrible of him” in episode 66 implies that he’s realized that all his actions, not just the overblot, were wrong. However, it’s not clear enough that that was the intention. Vil does not apologize specifically for how he attempted to force Epel to conform to his own beliefs. Though there’s always chapter 6, it still doesn’t seem like the story will ever really address this issue, which is a shame to say the least.

Furthermore, in this final part, Epel offering to take the center position was really good and showed how much he’s grown since the beginning of the chapter. However, it still didn’t bring the whole “poison apple” thing to fruition. Absolutely no one made any comment on his cuteness or how it might rival Neige’s cuteness. Did they plan something with that but scraped it? Like, this is way too little pay off for such a focus on Vil shaping Epel into a way to best Neige. My disappointment with this ending might have to do with these past 3 main story updates being the only ones I’ve been in this fandom for, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Whatever the cause of my disappointment may be, my disappointment still does exist.

--- 4 ---

To top off this roller coaster of a chapter and end this reflection with a more neutral analysis, we have the stuff with Mickey and Grim. Mickey seems really nice, I’m glad that Yuu seems to have made an ally in him. We certainly need one after whatever the hell just happened with Grim. I really have to give props for how unsettling both Grim’s appearance and the sounds during that scene were.

Though we’re obviously getting close to the endgame, the Ignihyde sneak peak that we got seems pretty normal and related to their personal problems rather than the plot. Though it would be interesting for a big change to happen like Yuu being out of commission for the chapter, I think it’s more likely that Yuu will be rescued, Grim just goes missing, then we don’t get much more info on that whole thing until the end of chapter 6 leading into chapter 7.

Anyway, for the scene itself I understand if it just because silent protagonist, don’t want to make them talk/do too much, but it feels kind of weird that there wasn’t really any indication of a struggle? Just standing there, staring at Grim, getting clawed, then black out. Nothing to indicate trying to step back. There was some weird clopping??? sound after he attacked but since the camera didn’t move that wasn’t Yuu collapsing.

Also, it might just be supposed to be “Grim’s laugh but creepy,” but his ケヒッ、 ケヒヒッ laughter sounds unusually distinctive? Idk, I just had the thought that it could be in reference to some other disney character with a similar laugh but idk who that would be since I’m not big into disney movies.

Right before he attacks, Grim also shouts “this is my stone!!!” Firstly, assuming that this stone is the same small size as the others, shouldn’t he already be done eating it? Yuu’s not exactly gonna stick their hand down his throat to retrieve it. So what stone is he talking about?

Well, we know that the magic crystal on the magic pens is supposed to collect blot so that it doesn’t built up inside someone, right? Blot accumulated from outright eating it instead of blot accumulated from casting magic is probably different, but what if some of the blot from the black stones did get gathered up by Grim’s crystal on his collar? We know how crazed he has been getting about the black stones. Is it so much of a stretch to think that he might be trying for more? That he might be trying to create instead of just find? 

How would a black magic crystal taste?

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst spoilers #vil schoenheit #rook hunt #neige leblanche #twst theories #twst grim #update screaming

[therodrigator6]

Well, hello there fellers.

You can ignore this text post if you want, it comes straight from me, completely outside of Drawings or Proyect updates.

I just really felt as though I needed to take the time to write up my thoughts into a, very possibly, LOOOOOOOOOOOONG post, since I have a LOT on my head right about now.

So, my melancholy, rather depressing, but perhaps amusing, musings, under the cut.

Right, so my whole string of thought was sort of just... proppeled out of me reminiscing about the past... 2 years, maybe year and a half.

I got thinking hard about She-Ra again, LMAO. and I know, I KNOW, why am I even thinking about that damned show again.

BUT, I was really thinking hard about how much I went through, positively I mean, how much growth I had (Around my art and my vocation obviously) with She-Ra.

And really, if you were to scour through my blog, if you went back all the way to... maybe it was late 2018, early 2019, when I posted my first fanarts around She-Ra, you’ll see how far back I was, skill-wise. I mean I wasn’t exactly a beginner, but I weren’t no Grade A artist neither.

And PRIOR to all of that I had more or less drawn fanart intermitently.

Anyone who followed me back when I made RWBY stuff, specifically Whiterose fanart could attest to that. I wasn’t consistent at all, and I experimented more often than not with every single drawing I was making. And don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed drawing stuff for RWBY, I sort of miss it now LMAO.

But I can certainly see just HOW POWERFULLY drawn I was to She-Ra, because my output of content and the growth of my skill as an artist was EXPONENTIAL. I suppose in a way I owe it really to MY sudden... obsession? Fixation? on that show.

VERY HONESTLY, at this point in time, I feel like I could REALLY speak on what things drew me to She-Ra, and precisely what things KEPT me there. IDK I think it used to be a very special little show.

On one hand? I really had just decided to watch it because I was starting to fall out of love with RWBY.

RWBY WAS a show I’d also loved, and which also meant a lot to me, but the things that MEANT a lot to me, were just not given the story I would’ve been interested in. That AND the small fandom space I’d carved out for myself was getting even smaller. Smaller AND very... toxic? Uncomfortable? I felt as though... my efforts and my involvement in that fandom were neither welcome nor appreciated at one point, let alone the fact that on the SHIPPING side of things, it stopped being fun.

So there I was, starting She-Ra up. I’d known about it for some time before, and I’d *Heard* that it was a fun good show, and most specially... *With an active, HUNGRY fandom, raging about a very popular Ship*. So I thought to myself, YAY, I’ll watch this show and I’m REALLY gonna do my best to go for everything popular.

I was tired of unwelcoming fandoms, tired of enjoying the very little measly, *Unpopular* things about shows, this was all about having a GOOD time. And maybe finally getting my works out, really finding a motivation to create stuff.

I mean in hindsight, now I know I fucked myself over MANY times.

You see because, as soon as I started watching She-Ra, I TRIED to do something different about the way I consumed shows.

In the past I used to be VERY ship-centered about my show experiences, to the point were FANON-Ship-centric relationships with shows would make the stories I was watching really boring and bleak in comparison. I had been afraid at the time, that THIS would also ruin She-Ra for me. So I really thought about... NOT tainting my vision and perception of the show with... Fandom stuff, Fanon or Ship-centric views, NOT EVEN CREATOR INTERACTIONS. I really tried to watch it blind and enjoy it for what it was.

Fool I was, I should’ve done the opposite.

It’s a tired old story, and a really redundant thing for ME to talk about. But I really felt a DEEP disappointment with She-Ra. Akin to LOSS almost.

Cuz you see, for a year and a half I ended up CENTERING myself on She-Ra, on more than one level.

On one hand, I TRULY believed She-Ra was a show with a story that I loved, there were plenty of characters that REALLY spoke to me. Characters like Glimmer? for example? And her storyline? for me are *one in a million*.

Of course I’m... REALLY compacting my She-Ra experience. I had come to appreciate MANY things about it. It’s world, it’s story, the characters, the comedy, the animation, the people who loved it and grew because of it, etc.

Furthermore, once my initial *doubt* about the show had passed, I really immersed myself in the fandom side of things. And I gotta say, I really enjoyed it for as long as it lasted. I think I experienced a new level of feeling like I *belonged* in a community, and a feeling that people LIKED what I did for it, and that people wanted MORE of ME in it.

Alongside that, and going back to animation. Geez, She-Ra came at the best *or worst* (depends on how you wanna look at it in hindsight now, LMAO), time of my life.

Literally on the verge of me finishing up with Prepschool and having to chose a career for University.

Prior to She-Ra, I really was trying to pinpoint my vocation, and animation had been in my mind for a LONG time, since Steven Universe really.

AND... Idk, AGAIN, THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT SHE-RA... which told me... “This is important”. Animation is important, being able to tell tales for people is important. Telling tales for people who need it, or people who don’t often get to tell tales is important. This medium is BEAUTIFUL, I MEAN, LOOK AT EVERYTHING IT CAN SPAWN OUT OF PEOPLE.

So it helped me make THAT decision.

Also alongside these things well... I go back to all of that about “Belonging”, and “community”.

Boy I met some of the most amazing friends I ever have in my life. People whom I respect, people who I admire, people who thought like me, liked ME, enjoyed this show, etc.

OF COURSE, at the time, and I really should’ve known better. We met out of our mutual LOVE for Glimmadora, LMAO.

ME? FALLING IN LOVE WITH AN UNPOPULAR SHIP? Who’da thought.

AND I DID SO, *DAMN NEAR DIVORCED FROM FANDOM* LMAOOOOO, you can see how my “I’ll learn to love whichever aspects of this show I’m *gonna* love, outside of fandom influence” policy really just fucked me in the ass.

AND GOD, DID I *LET IT* BE A PART OF ME.

That comunity, those friends, that ship, that show, those creators. It was all I thought about, and it DROVE me. so much so I put up with so much shit from my University. I put up with so many bad things in my life that were going on because of that show.

And I see now that many of those friends I mentioned did too. GOD, how I wish... we just hadn’t.

I think... for most of us things had already been pretty shit, not gonna lie.

There was the pandemic, for a start. Prior to May the 15th I had an uncle of mine die of COVID, which shook me to *my* core, but dear old She-Ra and the Glimmadora fandom gang were there to cheer me on. (This was around the time really horrid people in the She-Ra fandom, whom LOATHED Glimmadora with a passion were making “Glimmadora shippers must have Covid, since a symptom of Covid is a lack of taste” Jokes btw.)

And I think of my friends also, who have always spoken to me about their problems and their lives. For all accounts I think, they’d always had it harder than me, and they found themselves a WILL and a DRIVE to go on... through this, through She-Ra, and our friendship.

Then May the 15th came and it’s all been going downhill from there HSEBRGJKSEHRBGKJSERHGBJK.

I mean... I understand NOW, just how DAMAGING for myself it was to... cling so much to that show, to all of it. NEVER should’ve connected the drive of my vocation to it.

Cuz yanno... even if I HAVE continued to grow and get better the past few months, some things haven’t changed for the better.

For instance, I basically LOST my entire space here, in fandoms, in ejoying shows. I LITERALLY ONLY CREATE NOW... Either out of spite, or for my friends.

There is a VERY DEEP loathing now within me about stuff like... Catradora for example. I hate it, it makes me feel disgusting, simple as that. And THAT kind of feeling isn’t welcome here, also simple as that. So I’m out of a space and that hurts.

PFFT, basically all the pieces I produce now, which I still do with a She-Ra theme. Nobody’s gonna wanna consume MY content anymore, and they don’t. I made sure they couldn’t because I knew, I wasn’t going to be able to stomache this She-Ra fandom anymore.

That’s been another thing too. I don’t like being a contrarian, I don’t like being the guy who thinks the thing everybody loves is bad or wrong, and if I could SO HELP ME GOD, I’d change my entire view of it all. I don’t really care about being right or wrong anymore, I just want that peace of mind back.

HELL, there were people I knew since 2016 almost, who kinda just told me...

Shut the fuck up or leave.

On some cases I shut my mouth, on others I just left.

And yanno... I do feel miserable about it. But it also makes it all the harder when I think of my friends?

GOD DAMN, EVERYTHING THAT *COULD* GO WRONG, WENT WRONG FOR THEM.

ALWAYS, for all of my friends. And even through the hurt, I sit here and think, well I think I still have hope! I think I still have a drive to go on and persue animation  and tell good stories.

But I understand now... that *I* have a priviledge over my friends. The priviledge of support. I’m not REALLY alone, there’s people helping ME.

My friends don’t have that, and I can’t give them that, how I wish I could.

And it does just HURT only being able to tell my friends, “HEY! Have hope things’ll be better!” And then we all turn to the only beacons of hope we shared, and seeing them all dull and out of light. No Glimmer of hope.

Like, how do you tell people to hold out, to keep fighting, to keep trying to STILL CHASE THEIR DREAMS... When you can’t even help them keep their heads high when they’re trying yo get a damned job. When no matter how much THEY try they keep getting knocked down.

When there’s no longer a space were they feel confortable sharing their creations, because everyone they had ONCE tried to please with them? suddenly decided they were of no value.

So here we are.

I’m starting up a new semester in a couple of days, hopefully building myself up more to chase MY dreams... whilst all my friends suffer and can’t chase theirs.

Shit’s fucked. I wish I could do more.

PFFT, I guess, long story short:

Life unfair, Me Sad.

Me Angery, Me Bitter

Me Lost, They Won

Boohoo I guess.

SO ANYWAYS... I really just... needed to put these thoughts out in words. Scream to the void as it were.

I can’t wait to go back into discord or twitter or tumblr and see how my friends can’t catch a fucking break.

And how things will continue to get worse before they get better.

God I hope they get better, for all of us, if not atleast for them. They’ve already gone through enough.

#Just some personal stuff #Take care everybody

[ashimakth]

Hangang drama club

Pairing: jk x reader, jimin x reader, hoseok x reader

Chapters: more to come

Genre: angst, fluff, maybe future smut idk yet💜

Author’s note: pardon my English. It’s my second language, which I taught myself by watching numerous American TV shows 😅

Summary:Your friendship was unique and healing. They were your guardians and you were their polar star. Everything was working out perfectly until they left you, roughly and abruptly, making you chase after them and the thin veil of memories they left behind. And it felt like a triple stab right into the chest - because you loved them all. No, not only that. You were in love with them.

Three years had gone and your heart hadn’t healed. You didn’t know why it all happened but deep down you guessed - you were never enough for them. There was no place for you in their new adult life. They just went back to how it was before they met you, and it was alright.

It was alright until you met them all again. And as they took their turns to attack your poor heart, you job was to keep it whole without parting it into three equal pieces leaving yourself with none at all.

CHAPTER 1

You hated it. The smell, lingering in the air after a rainy morning, gray skies and deep puddles on the streets. It was that time of the year again.

You anticipated this autumn with anxiety every time you looked at the calendar.

The 1st of September.

The day he left you three years prior. His birthday.

He must be having fun tonight. At some club in Itaewon, sitting in a circle of his new friends, surrounded by colourful beverages and young females, flashing their chests to attract his attention.

He was buff in school already, and you could only imagine how handsome he looked now, considering his utter love for sports and pulling weights.

Was he doing it for himself or for other girls? Had he always been like that?

Had he noticed how much you liked that from the very beginning? Was it the reason he pushed you away?

Shame filled up your chest again. There was no doubt it was you who fucked everything up. Not them, no, never them, it was only your fault. They had never been anything but incredibly kind, patient and sweet. They taught you what real friendship was. They showed you how messed up your perception of people was; they taught you how to trust.

Just as you lift your third glass of pure soju towards your sour lips, a bright giggle filled the small dining room of Korean restaurant you were drowning your sorrows in tonight.

A young man, who walked inside with a group of same aged friends, quickly took the nearest table, making you hold your breath.

Jimin.

His hair was light pink this time, the colour he always loved on himself the most. You would never confess stalking his social media at night, how you smiled bitterly every time he posted a new photo or story. He was as charming as always, brushing his soft hair back and licking his plump lips, just before he turned around to call for a waitress and noticed you.

His bright expression quickly faded away and you immediately regretted coming here tonight. You regretted wearing a stupid white hoodie and just a mascara. If only you knew you would bump into your first love after three years of not seeing him, you would have definitely bothered to put some effort into your appearance. But every September 1st sucked out all of your energy so much you couldnt even lift a finger. Except today, there was something odd in the air because you were here and not in your bed.

Just three meters away from him.

He took a couple of seconds to make sure he wasn’t seeing things and it was really you, then turned back to his group of friends. Your heart sinked. It had been three years, two boyfriends and a couple of meaningless affairs, and you sincerely believed you were over them. Only September brought back the memories, but any other month of the year you felt almost completely positive that if you met one of them, you could keep a straight face.

Except the way he handled your encounter made you feel so rejected you wanted to leave the city and never, ever come back. Maybe you should have moved to Busan? Sunny weather, the sea, beautiful architecture. Calm and simple people. You loved simple things. Things that didn’t make you face complicated feelings.

‘Hi’.

His voice broke on the only word he uttered, and you knew you were totally fucked. The soft sound echoed in your ears and for a moment you thought you were hallucinating or seeing him in your sleep again before you realized it was really him.

You got distracted for a moment and he managed to slide into the seat opposite to you.

There was awkward silence as you stared at him, shocked by a sudden proximity. Was three years really enough to forget how he looked up close? Photos did him no justice, they could never capture the way his eyes sparkled under the lights or how adorable and hot his plump fingers were, framed by thick male rings. Did he still wear the one you gave him as a promise of always being on his side? From the look of it, no, he didn’t.

Jimin seemed nervous, but smiled nevertheless. That was what he always did whatever he felt on the inside - he smiled. Maybe you still knew him better that he knew himself…

'Do you… ’ He swallowed. 'Do you remember me? ’

You frowned. What did he mean? How could you not… remember him?

'We were… Um. Classmates. In high school. “ He chuckled, scratching behind his ear awkwardly. Your lack of answer increased his nervousness.

Classmates? What kind of nonsence was coming out of his mouth?

'Are you kidding me right now?’ You answered incredulously. 'What do you mean "do I remember you”? We literally spent every day of our last year at school together.’

The boy across from you visibly relaxed.

'Yeah, I know’ He breathed out. 'I’m sorry. It’s just… Some people preferred to erase me from their memory, so… I was just checking, sorry.’

'What do you mean?’ You asked, and by the way his expression changed you guessed he regretted saying the last part.

Jimin looked so lost that you wanted to kiss him. To stretch across the table, squish his cheeks and put your lips on his. To taste him again. You wanted to tell him that no matter what he said or did you would always have a place for his pretty soul in your heart, that there was no one like him on this planet but you knew it was unhealthy. Like your relationship with each one of them.

Unhealthy. Destructive. Wrong.

It was for the better that the circle ripped apart. It was better that way than seeing with your own eyes how their paths part ways with yours, how they get married and have kids, how they grow and become even more beautiful and more worthy men, while you just watch and silently desire. They could maintain their friendship without being madly jealous, but you couldn’t. And the idea proved itself when you met Jimin.

You would always want to own him if he was near, but you had no right to do so. He had never been yours, he wasn’t designed for it. He was meant for bigger and better things than your fucked up indecisive feelings.

Jimin looked at you not breaking eye contact and it made you think about how much he had changed. Not on the outside, really, he was still 50% cuteness and other 50% sexiness but the way he held himself despite being visibly shaken by your meeting showed that he definitely matured over the years. His posture, the way he spoke was calm and graceful, and not so chaotic like before. You wondered if you seemed different to him as well. Did he recognize Y/N he fed tokpokki after school in this same restaurant? Did he still think your eyes were pretty?

'Erm… What are you eating?’ He asked, trying to find something to change the subject, because, of course he knew what you were eating. It was right in front of him.

“Just… Meat. You?’ You took a small bite just to show him.

'Me too. We, I mean. My colleagues. From the store.’

'From Zara?’ You asked, trying to swallow the meat, but it stuck in your throat. God, you were shaking.

'Yeah.’ He smiled. 'Wait. How do you know I work there? ’

Shoot. Stalker caught red-handed.

'I saw you… ’ Don’t you dare tell him. Don’t. ’…when I was shopping. A couple of months ago. ’

Well, technically. You saw him. His. Photo. On his. Insta page. That you didn’t follow.

And you would never walk into that store, knowing he was there.

He beamed, eager to dig deeper, while you hoped he would drop the subject. 'Why didn’t you come up and say hi? I would’ve given you a discount.’ He winked. 'I’m the store’s manager. Which means I’m the boss. Well, almost.’ He giggled, his lips curving prettily. 'Technically there’s a senior manager above me, but she’s never around. So, I’m basically solving all the shit. But, please don’t say anything about it, lol, she’s right behind me’.

You giggled at his 'lol’, amused that he still used that word aloud in a sentence.

'I won’t. Don’t worry’. You smiled widely, and Jimin stared at your mouth for a split second, before averting his gaze somewhere to the side.

'Maybe… You want to join us? If you’re alone’. Jimin proposed. It seemed like he didn’t actually mean that and made the offer just out of politeness, judging by the way he fiddled with his fingers on the table. The boy was still looking everywhere but at you. What was he thinking about? What did he want? Why did he come sit here with you, smiling at you like that, melting your frozen heart? After disappearing from your life so abruptly, and leaving you all alone. You always considered him the most loyal out of all three. You supposed that at least Jimin, the boy with a heart of pure gold, would never break his promises.

When you thought that you still knew him the best, you were wrong. You couldn’t read him anymore.

'I don’t… Think I’ll be fun to spend time with tonight. Not really in the mood.’

'Why?’ Jimin finally met your gaze.

'It’s the day.’

He frowned. 'The day?’

'Yeah’.

'What do you mean?’

You didn’t want to answer. Did he really not remember? Three years ago on that same day Jungkook told you he didn’t ever want to see you again. That your friendship was over. That he didn’t see a future with you in his life. You cried, running after him, but he just left you there in Hangan park all alone. Not caring that you couldn’t keep up with him because your feet hurt in shoes a size too small. Not giving a single shit about you.

Your heart hurt, but you managed to squeeze out a, 'Why aren’t you with Jungkook today?’

Jimin frowned. 'Jungkook? I haven’t seen him in a while, actually. Why?’

You kept silent. He looked at you puzzled, catching your every movement as if trying to read you.

'Just… It’s his birthday. I thought you’d be with him, like always. And what do you mean you haven’t seen him in a while, did he go abroad or something?’ You were hundred percent positive they maintained their tight bond even after the four of you "split up” in 2017.

'Erm, no.’ Jimin chuckled bitterly and you finally saw another glimpse of an old version of him, incredibly soft for his best friend. 'We kinda… Decided to end things. And… God, it sounds like we dated or something’. He snorted.

'Well, it’s not far from the truth. There we dozens of girls practically begging for your attention, but the two of you always hid from them somewhere, hand in hand. I was so jealous at first’. You laughed.

'You were?’ Jimin looked at you strangely.

'Yeah… ’ You smiled, not noticing his gaze. Ornaments on the table seemed more interesting to you than his attentive eyes when you got so flustered. 'Sometimes I feel sad that our ways parted. I know, I know, people change, and I kinda expected that somewhere deep inside, but I’m not that… I’ve never been that important in the first place, joining you for a year and being an annoying bug, following you around while you and Kookie have known each other since Kindergarten. Connections like that can’t be ripped easily. You should call him, you know. Don’t be stubborn.’

The boy hesitated to answer. You didn’t look at him, so you couldn’t see what his face looked like.

Suddenly, and very unexpectedly, Jimin got really angry.

'How can you say that?!’

You looked up to see him staring at you intently.

'How… What?’

He brushed his hair back, shaking his head in disbelief, then smacked his palms on the table, earning a couple of anxious glances from the table to your right, where his colleagues sat at.

'Jimin, is everything okay?’ Some young man from the group asked him worriedly.

Jimin breathed audibly through the nose, heat running up his neck and covering his cheeks in splotches.

'You have no fucking idea.’ He whispered. 'How fucking hard it is sometimes. How hard it is still.’

You wanted to cry. He really scared you with this. The bitter taste in your mouth was a hint that you were going to weep pretty soon, and, seeing him so angry at you, so pissed off by only a sight of you, it made your fight-or-flight response kick in. You remembered his expression when he just saw you today, recalled the way he held himself too formal, smiling overpolitely - too distant and cold for the sweet and warm Jimin you knew before - always so understanding and ready to support your any idea no matter how stupid or wrong it was, and everything finally came into place.

It took three years and this encounter to dispel the illusion. They all despised you. Jungkook and Jimin. And maybe… Hobi did too?

It took no time grabbing your purse and storming out of the restaurant. Tears were streaming down your cheeks, but even through the pain you gave it one last chance and stopped to listen.

You prayed to hear his voice calling after you. He always went after you whenever you were mad or upset. Your Jimin would never leave you alone in the dark. He would always care that you got home safe. He was always… On your side.

But there was none. Nothing. Only dead silence and sound of droplets hitting the ground. Cold rain masked your tear-stained cheeks, being your only guard in the night.

You really hoped that Jungkook was happy tonight. He was turning 21, and you hoped he wasn’t crying like you, all alone.

But, no matter how hard you tried to persuade yourself that you were a good person, you wanted him to cry. Before going to bed that night you imagined his heart being broken into million unmendable pieces just like he managed to break yours.

Have you ever imagined what your life would be like if you were opposite gender? Would things be easier if you were a boy?

Sometimes you remembered summer days at the beach, when all of your boys went swimming, while you sat there, toes buried in sand and eyes trained at the water, full of jealousy.

You couldn’t tell them you were on your period, because in your small circle the term didn’t exist. You were the only female, and you four never talked about it. Such topics were reserved for girly talks.

The two youngest were utterly oblivious when you lied about water being too cold for you for the third day in a row. Hoseok, on the other hand, retreated to the shore right after dipping only once.

He plopped on a towel next to you and wiggled a little until his thigh and arm were flush to yours. His skin was wet and cold but you felt his warm stare while he examined your face.

'Does it hurt?’

You looked at him frowning.

'Your stomach. I heard that it hurts when you bleed. Just wanted to tell you that if you need anything: painkillers, pads, tampons, just tell me. Okay? I’ll go get them for you.’

You kept silent. The very idea of discussing periods with Hoseok was awkward as hell. What had gotten into him? You never… Mentioned tampons and…pads.

Denying would have been stupid. So you just shrugged, 'Why? So suddenly. ’

He pressed closer, lowering his head so no one on the beach could overhear you. 'Because I don’t want you to feel lonely when you’re with us. I would be the worst friend if I let you go through this alone. I don’t want you to be ashamed of anything in front of me, and I hate the idea of any of you three feeling helpless and silently suffering.’

'Okay… ’ You whispered, shame still licking at your insides but with his sweet words it dissipated a little.

'Yeah?’ He smiled that sunshine smile of his, like you made him the happiest man alive just by being there with him, and you reciprocated.

'Mhm. I don’t want that either. You can tell me everything too. ’

He looked so content watching the seawaves there by your side. Was it even possible not to fall in love with this person eventually? His precisely graven side profile, his lean body, his sweet vanilla scent - everything about him was extremely enticing and you quickly got trapped into his net.

He was a beautiful creature and every time he was around, saying these warm words, looking at you like that, you melted. If you had to pick one you wanted to touch the most it would have definitely been Hoseok. You wanted to trace his nose and lips with pads of your fingers, to caress his cheeks and brush his hair all the way to the nape of his neck, feeling his softness, his silkness everywhere. There was something about his presence that intoxicated you to the state of dizziness. To the state of craziness, making you completely forget about any decency.

You prayed he didn’t know that.

But sometimes you suspected that Jungkook did.

Sometimes you caught him staring at you while you stared at his childhood friend, and it made you sick to the stomach. You were disgusted by yourself. What if Jungkook really knew what was going on in your brain?

But then you checked again and he was already busy with something else, yelling loudly or jumping around. Maybe you were just making that up because there just had been too much on your mind since you started to hang out with them? Everything was new to you: you had never been best friends with a boy before, not to mention three boys all at the same time; you had never went on a trip with boys only. You basically didn’t know much about how they functioned. Their thinking, their behaviour were subjects you yet needed to study.

At that time, when everything just started, you couldn’t even imagine falling in love with three people at the same time.

But, eventually, you did. Jimin first. Then Hobi. And lastly… Jungkook.

It was inevitable.

When you changed schools, Hoseok greeted you on your first day, accompanying you to your class. You were so nervous you didn’t even remember his name, not to mention his face. Feelings came later. Much later.

You didn’t fit in from the very start. Girls seemed to ignore you, having already established their small friendship circles and not bothering to welcome someone new, and boys were… Boys were just boys. You weren’t the type to approach them first. They usually broke your heart, so you got used to keeping your distance.

However, there was someone who couldn’t bear you looking all lonely and sad. Pity was his weakest point and it did him no good. Eventually, he saved you just like he used to save kittens and dogs, abandoned and wandering around the streets.

On the third day of you sitting all alone, someone put a packet of strawberry milk right in front of you on your desk. When you looked up at him you saw a young boy with kindest smile holding his both hands up in a greeting. He was wearing only white shirt with a blue tie, no jacket, and you immediately recognized him as the student who went to the blackboard far more often that anyone else in the class. He was an A student, you figured.

'Hi, Y/N! What’s up?’ He asked cheerfully, taking the seat in front of you and turning so he could see you properly.

You blinked at him a few times before he laughed, the sound and his charming smile speeding up your pulse. 'I’m Jimin. And this is my favourite milk, very good one. You should drink it.’

Your first impression of him, apart from him being extremely cute, was that you really liked his laugh. And he did laugh a lot, turning out to be a very giggly person.

Strangely enough, after that day you started to hang out during the breaks pretty regularly. It went by the same scenario every day: he plopped on the seat in front of you and started a mindless conversation about homework or that day’s menu at the canteen and you just listened, relaxing in his presence day by day. He seemed to notice the way you spoke up more because soon enough he exchanged seats with a boy in front of you by bribing him with a box of chocolate and, finally, started to be around you all the time.

He blended in with your everyday life in a spance of a week, making you feel as if he had always been there. He helped you with equations you couldn’t solve or lend you pens and pencils, being just at arm’s length whenever you needed something. He acted unobtrusively, respecting your personal boundaries and keeping your relationship formal, and you were grateful for that.

Apart from the lunchbreak, when students had to go down to the canteen to grab some food. You couldn’t bear sitting at the dinner table all alone without Jimin, who tended to misteriously disappear from his desk right after the bell, so you prepared your own food at home and ate it in class. Asking him to take you with him felt pretty intrusive, so you just stuck to doing that, and, considering that there was no one except you usually, you felt fine on your own, not questioning Jimin’s absence too deeply.

Two weeks went by like this: you met in class, hung out together, parting for lunch, then got together after it, and said goodbye when he left home first. That was until one time he forgot his umbrella on the desk and you ran after him only to be hit by a muscular chest right in the face.

Strong hands immediately gripped your shoulders, preventing you from falling, and you were pressed to him tightly as he tried to regain balance. He smelled like cherry and you found it endearing. The boy quickly moved away and let you go as if embarrassed for touching you in the first place.

That’s when you looked at him properly and immediately regretted it.

He was the most attractive boy you had ever seen. The type you were most scared of, because it was 'your’ type. He was your type.

The guy you would definitely notice in a crowd. Type of boyfriend you always dreamed of having.

With thick black hair, all tall and strong. Muscular to the extent of it being noticeable, but not too much. Handsome face, gracious posture and smelling like cherry. Smelling like a treat. Presenting your dirtiest fantasy to life.

'Hey, JK! I told you to wait! Don’t go the-’ You heard Jimin shouting right before he emerged from the corridor. 'Oh, Y/N…’

You had never seen Jimin’s friends before. And, by the way Jimin glanced between the two of you, you supposed he wasn’t really fond of the idea of you meeting one of them.

'Y/N?’ The tall boy uttered, boring into your eyes and making you blush. His attention gave you no pleasure as you shrinked underneath it and not in a good way.

'Jungkook. Let’s go.’ Jimin said firmly, grabbing his umbrella from your hand, whispering a soft 'thank you’ to you and pulling Jungkook away. 'See you tomorrow, okay?’ He offered apologetically as they both moved back into the hall.

You just stood there, staring blankly at their backs while they departed, Jungkook turning his head to look at you again and again while Jimin pushed him forward.

When they disappeared behind the ladder, you had to grab the doorframe not to sink to the floor. Your heart was racing like it was you who just ran there all the way from the first floor and not Jimin.

The next morning you met as usual: Jimin stepped into the empty classroom, arriving early just like you, and took his seat, flashing you a blinding smile before dropping his backpack on the floor. You really wanted to ask him about Jungkook, about who he was and if he would come again later so you could see him once more. And despite feeling utterly flustered just by thinking about being near him again, you couldn’t help but seek for his presence, his face not leaving your thoughts since the moment he touched you. You were undoubtedly interested.

However, every time you tried to start a conversation about Jungkook, Jimin suddenly changed the subject or quickly came up with some urgent business he had to take care of. Eventually, you decided to drop it, afraid of being too pushy and losing your only friendly face among the students.

Days went by, and bearing with school became much easier as you finally broke the ice with some of the classmates. Jimin looked pretty satisfied watching you interact with others as if his job was successfully done.

Among the excitement of being finally accepted by people you almost forgot about Jungkook and the seeds of feelings he planted in you.

That was until he decided to find you first.

#bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #jimin x reader #jungkook x reader #j hope x reader #jung hoseok x reader #jimin x y/n #jimin x you

[singingcookie]

👀👀 SO. THAT LATEST CHAPTER OF DOJ 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

👀👀👀👀 Yes. It certainly was a thing wasn’t it?  👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 In all seriousness this chapter was really difficult for me to bring myself to work on. And it was mostly because (compared to most of my other chapters) this one was really lacking detail. I had a few moments that stood out but figuring out how to smush them together in a cohesive way was hard. With that said, I’m gonna do something I haven’t done much til now. I’m gonna share my original outline for this chapter under the read more.

I might throw in comments between sections/thoughts. I normally post my outline at the bottom of my chapter documents and gradually get rid of bullet points as I get through them. This’ll be the first time I’ve looked at the outline since I completed, so I apologize for the length this might take on lol. That said....

DOJ CHAPTER 20 SPOILERS READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Deku’s pov this chapter.

Skip ahead to them at the thing. They’re in Tarasanudo in Kanagawa. Somewhere close to the Tokyo Bay. Last train will leave a bit after 9pm.

I like to preface my outlines with a pov if there’s a change from the previous chapter. Any ones that are continuations (so with chapters 9 & 10 for Deku, and chapters 11-15 for Ochako) don’t really get labelled like this but since it was Ochako for 19 I had to. I knew right away this had to be Izuku that we were hearing from because his thoughts--his perception of Uraraka in the story thus far--have been pretty close to nonexistent. I figured it was about time (especially put into this position) for us to glean an idea of what exactly is going on under that curly hair of his.

The second bullet point is just a point of reference for me so I don’t forget anything 😅 I’ll probably carry it on through my next few chapters too. Again, just so I don’t forget as I go since the setting will be relevant until the festival ends.

We get festival shenanigans maybe just them looking around at things at first. He keeps getting wrapped up in Uraraka. Lingering on whatever she does. Her excitement at the foods, the decorations. The way she sways to the music from each and every stall. Obviously this should be at least a few paragraphs. If not a page.

HAHAHAHA, oh man. So much for that. Deku really went damn wild at the start of this chapter. The whole introduction (before Ochako says the FIRST LINE OF DIALOGUE FOR THE CHAPTER WTF) was 2 pages long on my chapter document. And I remember being shook about it. “This much Deku??? You have this much to say?” It probably would have been less if he didn’t want to retell the whole dang story with the netsuke BUT HE DID WHAT HE DOES I GUESS!!

I also added the okonomiyaki scene pretty sporadically, I didn’t have it in my oultine at all. But I needed an introductory scene into them at the festival before Bakugou and Kirishima showed up. I think it turned out pretty well? I got a lot of questions about my research on that one cause it was so specific! 😅 Truth is I just look up those kinda details as I get to them mid-writing. Makes it take longer but the learning part is really interesting and fun for me!

And then there’s also the hints of them being followed by at least  two of their classmates, working up Uraraka and stemming Deku’s fear. Also added because I needed to segue naturally between the okonomiyaki and cork gun scenes.

Uraraka points to a cork gun stall nearby and says that she wants to play. They don’t fully approach the stand though, Uraraka standing back to look over the prizes to see what she wants to play for. He wonders why she doesn’t just play and figure it out later. She says that she’ll play better if she has something in mind already “don’t question my methods” she hums for a moment and he kinda playfully regards her. Maybe a mild stirring of something.

She surges forward, reaching for one of the cork guns while she holds the yen out for the vendor. “Hey, take the next one over.” Oh god Kacchan’s grabbed the same cork gun and now him and Uraraka are glaring at each other. Kirishima apologizes for the interruption, telling Kacchan that he can just take the next one over. He greets Deku who replies while still watching as Uraraka and Kacchan glare even while he complies to their classmate’s request. Both of them slam their money on the counter. Aaaaand they’re making it a competition. Great.

Thiiiiiiis turned out more of less the same, clearly. 😂 I had a different concept in my head originally of how these games worked there. Ended up digging hard for videos and photos to find out properly. Ended up altering my image to match but it still managed to work out on that front, regardless.

I knew I wanted Kirishima and Bakugou here with them (not only because I love the ship) but it gave them a chance to unwind and relax. Kind of ease off on the tension of them being stuck alone together. Not to mention that I felt it would be really good for cementing the idea of a “something more” kind of pondering in Deku.

Kirishima and Deku talk about what they’ve been up to since getting to the festival. Maybe Deku wonders about the snack that Kirishima has. It looks delicious. Some kinda meat thing. “Where’s the stall?” Kirishima tries to explain but Deku just looks lost. “How ‘bout me and--Bakugou just show you where once they’re finished?”

“That sounds--” Deku’s cut off by a whoop and when he looks back to the stand, they’re both setting the cork guns back down. Uraraka’s reveling in her victory and Kacchan tells her she only got one more point, so she shouldn’t be so excited. She says he’d be just as excited if the scores were reversed. The vendor has to remind them they have prizes to pick.

Kirishima and Deku kind of just ^^; about it. They get whatever the prizes are. Ochako maybe picked something with the idea of giving it to Inko. Kirishima says to Bakugou that he told Deku they’d show him to the stand with the meat skewers.

This got altered a LOT WOW. I think the reason this section changed so much was because I was trying to find a way to make the chapter flow. I left a lot of details out and mostly went big picture because I knew this part of the festival would involve a lot of tiny things that would be a pain to plan out. Lots of minor minutiae that I knew I’d get annoyed if I had to change a lot.

I knew I had to keep Kirishima with MEAT because he’s Kiri (hello it’s listed as one of his fav things even!) and I knew I wanted to have him almost tripped up and saying “Katsuki” just to hammer home where exactly they’re at rn in their interactions.

I extended their interactions together because saying “hey let’s walk around” only to separate them with narry another conversation felt pointless and stilted. That’s why I added the extended convo about the game (I didn’t have it in the outline that she cheated but when I thought about the game and her quirk, it was too fitting to not include!) and also the thing about their internships and things being “too calm” again. Was really trying to hammer home one last “YOU SHOULDN’T FEEL COMFORTABLE” for all you readers lol

They might get stuck together for a bit maybe up through the fireworks. They only realize after the fireworks are through. Uraraka wonders about if maybe there’s something that Deku wants to do now, especially since Bakugou and Kirishima p much vanished.

Deku says something offhandedly. He hadn’t really been pulled toward anything in particular. Maybe they could just walk around, see if they find some of the others. Maybe some kinda casual conversation. Ochako has them stop because she sees a yo-yo fishing game and she really wants a water yo-yo.

As you can see, the fireworks scene (which apparently everyone adores?) was very much not planned LOL. Nor was Bakugou clearly and purposefully ditching them. I don’t really have much in the way of explanations other than it’s what felt right. I considered including a time skip or two during this chapter...but then I realized how silly that would be over such a short time period. So I ended up including the ditching (including Bakugou literally yelled that “Nope!” and it was like “oh okay that’s what we’re doing cool thanks for the memo?”) and then the fireworks was a clear “time is passing while he’s wistful” kind of moment. I think it went over well and segued pretty naturally into this.

Deku just watches, musing to himself over how nice this has been...how nice she looks...she said something about wanting to give the stuffed animal in his grasp to his mom. As a thank you for the yukata. He still can’t believe that Inko never said anything to him about it. But honestly...what would he have said. What would he have done? He’s seen her in it for a while now and he still hasn’t commented about it to her…yeah, okay, he did try twice. Once at school and once with Eri but since then he hasn’t bothered to try again.

Maybe it’s pointless. Maybe the fact that he did try twice was the universe saying that it was dumb and he definitely shouldn’t. That he would make her uncomfortable so don’t bother.

Or maybe it wasn’t about her. Maybe it was the universe scolding him from trying to say it around other people… Embarrassing her around her friends and their former teacher...yeah. Yeah, no. It was definitely that. He needed to say something. She deserved to hear it. He couldn’t tell her about her kimono during that New Years celebration. Shouldn’t he tell her now? Respect both her and his mother’s efforts? Yes. He should definitely say something now.

As you can see....pretty much nothing here changed LOL. I knew this was exactly right but some stuff got clarified and extended, I feel. Made it feel a lot more stream of conscious like as a result of that.

Side note Deku has a big tendency to repeat himself mentally when I write him....idk why this happens but it does lmao.

Uraraka comes back over with her water yo-yo. She says something idk what. But Deku starts to try to say something about her thing. Bringing it up very slowly and awkwardly but before he can explain properly she interrupts him. “Deku-kun, do you hear that?” He goes quiet as he listens. Then……screaming. 

Then they hear someone exclaim that it looks like the bonfire is out of control. They look and...that’s not a normal bonfire. Those are blue flames.

LOL “She says something idk what” is such a staple of my outlines I cry. 😂 That and “Idk something else needs to go here figure it out later”

Anyway though another case of extension here. I knew I was gonna have to with “bringing it up slowly and very awkwardly” that’s vague and I had to show that happening so it was bound to be. I actually struggled on whether or not to let him say it. But ultimately it felt dissatisfying to let him say it and not give Uraraka or the readers the chance to dwell on it. It needs a moment to itself. It needs to be a heavy, impactful moment--but the problem is the League reveal was heavier so it would have knocked it away just as much as him not saying it at all.

Obviously my reveal (the last bullet point) changed a lot with how I conveyed it...also Uraraka’s line. But when I was writing it I realized that Uraraka would be more horrified than my outline which, as you can see, is really calm in comparison. But I knew the only way to reveal it all was Dabi blue flames. A staple of the League... But having Deku’s last line was a better ending line.

ANYWAY, sorry that took so long but. There you have it. Deeper thoughts and perspective from the planning of the chapter. I hope this was interesting seeing the difference between my outline, but I apologize if my commentary was at all boring lol

Thanks Kat!! Always happy to talk!!! 💖💖💖💖

#Drops of Jupiter #izuocha #kelly replies #adventures in writing #sorry I'm sure this gets rambly in some bits it's just how I am lolol #Kat #vixensheart

[la-fille-en-aiguilles]

His Father’s Son

Young!Sirius Black x Female Reader & NotSoYoung!Sirius Black x Female Reader

Request: Idk if requests are open or anything but can you write Sirius has a Slytherin son that's the twins age and hates him because Sirius likes Harry better

A/N: This awesome anon has sent me this mind-blowing request about Sirius. When I read it this morning I went Holy cow, how do I write THAT?! And honestly I even considered dropping it because I had no idea what to do with it. But then I went on a run, and it just came to me. I typed away, and this is what came out. Dear Anon, I’m not quite sure if this is what you had in mind. I hope the story doesn’t disappoint you. 

Synopsis: After the tragic events in the Hall of Prophecy in the Ministry of Magic, Alastair Black, Sirius’ only son, comes banging on the doors of his father’s ancestral home. What awaits for him there is his father’s friend Y/N, and her version of the past events might just make him question everything he thought he knew. 

WARNINGS: mentions of death, suffering, ANGSTY AF (I don’t know what happened to me there).

I hope you enjoy!  

The Beautiful & Damned will be back with a new chapter tomorrow! 

The night is solemnly silent, save for the roaring of the rain, assaulting the roof of the old, moaning house. Fists and jaw clenched tight, his eyes are fixed on the only glowing window, yellowed by time. Wet strands of hair cling to his burning front, and cold water is a blessing, hitting every inch of his skin, hammering the pain deeper and deeper inside of him, so no one sees. 

He’s weightless as his feet take him to the heavy doors - the doors he thought he’d never enter again. Inhaling frantically, he crashes both of his fists against the polished wood, the loud bang awakening something he long since locked in his rattling cage of a chest. 

The moment the sound reaches his ears, there’s is no stopping the rage that’s finally set free, painting his vision red. He hits the door again and again, bashing his fists in, until his hands go black and blue. The rambling in his head is getting louder, the shaking in his bones grows stronger, and the only way to stop it is to finally do it - blow the bloody doors of that piece of shit of a house, where he has never felt at home. 

He barely realises it when the doors slam open in his face, bright yellow light blinding him. Falling on his knees, his maimed hands covering his swollen eyes, he lets someone soft and warm wrap their hands around him. They don’t speak, and he doesn’t either, contenting himself with relishing the comfort of their touch. 

When his sensitive eyes adjust to light, he sees the empty corridors ahead, bathing in the welcoming glow. Dust floats in the musk-scented air, its playful light-stained thin whirls inviting him in. 

Hot tears welling up in his eyes, he tangles his sore fingers in Y/N hair, clinging to her fragile frame. She smells like Neroli and always, and her smell, coupled with the sight before his eyes, is enough for him to finally let go. 

“He’s dead!” the cry tears his insides apart, popping his veins open. “He’s dead! Sirius is dead!…”

She rocks him softly in place, littering his raven-black hair with chaotic kisses, her own cheeks glistening in the light of a full yellow moon. 

---

“Would you like something to drink, Alastair?” 

He blinks rapidly, his eyes sore and dry, his stare completely vacant. Y/N’s heart clenches, and she forces herself to go on:

“I still have a bit of coffee left… It’s either that or firewhiskey”, she drops into the chair across from the young Black, slamming a half-empty bottle of amber liquid against the table’s surface. “Pick your poison.”

Rubbing his nose with the back of a hand, Alastair quickly motions towards the bottle, and folds his hands in front of him. In booming silence, Y/N serves him a splash of the burning liquid and pushes the glass in his direction. His bleeding long fingers wrap around it as he downs the alcohol in one go, throwing his head back. 

Y/N watches him closely, as spider-web cracks on her porcelain heart become more and more prominent. In the dim lights of the Grimmauld place, Alastair looks so much like Sirius: he’s all bruises and blood, his beautiful stormy eyes dark grey, almost black, his jaw tense and his cheekbones sharp enough to cut her skin and bleed her dry. She crashes an unwanted whimper in its wake, as Sirius’ son raises his foggy orbs to look at her with a desperation of a man catching at straws, drowning in a bottomless river. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, his pale lips barely moving. “I didn’t want to wake you…”

“I wasn’t asleep,” Y/N interrupts, gazing at him, her eyelids each weighting a ton. “I was waiting for you. I was hoping you’d show”. 

Alastair nods, avoiding her gentle eyes. Fetching the bottle, he serves himself another drink, and noticing an empty glass a little further away, splashes a generous amount of alcohol inside, wetting its walls. Leaning over the table, he puts the glass in front of Y/N, still refusing to look her in the eyes. 

“It’s not like everything changed or anything”, he lets out, his fingers fidgeting with the rim of his glass. “He was long dead to me before that bitch actually Avada Kedavra’d him”, his nonchalance is a thought out act. Whiskey wets his lips. “He never loved me. He never loved anybody but his precious Harry fucking Potter.”

“Alastair…” Y/N gives her dissent a muffled try. “You know it isn’t…”

“Oh it is the truth, Y/N, so don’t waste your breath”, he chuckles bitterly, missing the rage already. Bitterness is worse than anger, because it lasts. “From the moment I was born, he didn’t want me. He blamed me for my mother’s death. All I wanted,” his voice trembled, but Alastair quickly got a hold of himself. “All I wanted was a fucking chance. I wasn’t given any. He abandoned me. He preferred to surrender and go to Azkaban for the crime he didn’t commit, than stay and fight and be a fucking father. And when he came out, he wanted nothing to do with me. Doesn’t come as a surprise, really - I am not a Potter, after all!” thunder flashed in his tempestuous irises. “I made peace with my orphanage, a very long time ago. I’m glad the Weasleys were able to see past my green and silver uniform…”

The lights in the room went out with a loud shattering sound, the glass from overhead lamps clattering on the floor. Alastair froze mid-sentence, Y/N rugged breathing echoing in the dark space. 

“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about, Alastair”, Y/N’s struggles through the sentence, her last effort spent on controlling her temper. “I’m going to fetch a candle and we are going to talk”, young Black hears the shuffling as she gets on her feet. “Well, I am going to talk, and you are going to listen, because I’ve got plenty to say”, having said that, she makes her way to the kitchen counter. 

Minutes later, a bright yellow-and-orange flame flickers in the dark, casting long shadows on the walls of the room. Darkness clusters around the two of them, and the whole world is put on hold. 

---

“…What you have to understand, Alastair, is that those were dark, hopeless times. With those who made it through alive, we prayed that no witch or wizard had to go what we went through. 

The war makes you think differently; the constant state of fear and knowing that each minute could be your last changes the way you look at things; it turns your entire world upside down. 

At first, just like you’re doing right now in regards to your father’s behaviour, we were looking for reasons. It took us thousands of lost lives to finally learn the truth - not everything had a reason - a rational commonsensical cause that comes from the faculty of the mind to distinguish good from evil and right from wrong. Merlin knows, Death Eaters had no reason to act like monsters. Merlin knows, Death Eaters had no reason to line up into a battalion, to aim their wands at other wizards’ chests and to yell an unforgivable curse at the top of their lungs. What they did have was command, and enough fear to obey.

Fear was living among us, following us everywhere we went. Fear turned some of the best of us into cold-blooded murderers, and it was hard to always focus on that fateful yet blurry line that separated us from Voldemort’s sidekicks. What I want you to understand is that fear pushed us towards choices we would have never otherwise made. Fear was what pushed James and Lily into the Godric’s Hollow, far away from their friends and family - I keep asking myself what would have happened if they’d stayed. Would we have stood a chance against Voldemort, as a strong, united front, together? Would they have still been alive?… Maybe, fear was what truly killed them both. 

Sirius always wanted to do what was right. But at some point, fear changed your father’s perception of right, and we - I - was in no position to argue, because I didn’t know what right was anymore, either. 

We were mourning your mother, Marlene, each in our own way. Voldemort wiped out her entire family, and if he didn’t touch you, it surely wasn’t out of the fucking goodness of his heart. Riddle did not know you existed, Alastair. Only a handful of wizards knew Sirius and Marlene were so in love, they wanted a kid, a ray of light amidst all that darkness. I knew. So did Molly. James and Lily knew too, of course. Remus and Peter - thank Merlin, Peter did not know!… Thinking about it now, I still can’t believe we didn’t see it coming, we didn’t kill him while we still had a chance, while the damage still hadn’t been done!…

You were four years old when wizards from the Ministry came for your father. I remember it clear as day, but what price wouldn’t I pay to forget. Sirius was tired of running. His thoughts were eating him alive. What kind of start in life was he offering you, his son? Days prior to his arrest, he told me, “You know what to do, Y/N”, and he squeezed my hand, ever so lightly… 

A notorious runaway murderer, he couldn’t send you to Hogwarts without surrendering. Upon learning that you, Alastair Black, were Sirius’ son, the Ministry would have kept you hostage to lure him out. He refused to drag you down with him, no matter how much it’d cost him… 

I left our hiding place with you under my robes hours before the Ministry came. I saw them burning the place to the ground, and every last memory of your mother with it… 

I was a mess by the time I arrived at the Burrow. Molly and Arthur kept asking me what happened, what was wrong… I couldn’t form words. I choked on them. You have to understand, Alastair, I watched as my best friend, the man I respected and loved more than anything in the world, was taken to Azkaban for the crime he didn’t commit. I finally had him, and I lost him, because I made a mistake. I should have never agreed to put my trust in Peter, I had a gut feeling about him, even back when we were at school!… I was disappointed in the entire world and I blamed myself. 

Molly and Arthur took you in as if you were one of their own. I watched you grow, and I was proud of the young man you were becoming, taking so much after your father! Watching you become  your father’s son was killing me slowly, while I still mourned the person who wasn’t even dead. A brilliant young wizard, be it a little on the troublemaker side, you, Fred and George might as well have been the new Marauders, carrying on your father’s legacy unbeknownst to you. 

Each time I came over to Molly’s over the holidays, I cried my eyes out upon returning here, in this very kitchen - Merlin, you were just like him!… At war with his true family. Just like Sirius before you, you hated everything that the Black family represented, and you weren’t shy to express your feelings - a very rebel-like move for a Slytherin, some said. Dressed in greens and silvers, you were the spitting image of the man I loved in every little line littering your face, too early for your age.

Why didn’t you take me in, then, you probably wonder. With me loving your father so much and all, I should have been the first in line to take care of you. The truth was, I couldn’t. The day your father had been taken, I swore to myself I’d find Peter Pettigrew, and I’ll make him confess,  before he takes Sirius’ place in Azkaban. I spent years on the move, blinded by my desire for revenge, while Peter….He was always right there, right in front of our noses. 

Every time I saw you at the Burrow, your smile never reached your eyes. So many questions were swimming in their stormy oceans, unanswered. You wanted the truth, and I was the only person who was able to give it to you. Yet I couldn’t. As much as it killed me, you were better off hating you father. Should I have told you the truth - just how much he loved you, and that he was innocent - it could backfire in the most unpredictable way. So I remained silent, and there were desperate times when I thought I’d carry Padfoot’s secrets to my grave. 

When Sirius got out, and the truth broke free with him, it took a while for it to settle in, even among the members of the Order. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like, learning that your father was innocent this entire time, that you were never the son of a murderer, but of a man wrongfully committed to Azkaban. When the news finally reached me, I dropped everything and set out for the Burrow: this time, I was going to give you all the answers you needed to hear, before you were to reunite with your father. 

I apparated at Grimmauld’s place at quarter past midnight, I remember very well. Not a single window was alight. I entered the house I almost learned to hate, for everything reminded me of you father here, cutting me open. I made my way to the kitchen. Something didn’t feel right, the atmosphere had shifted, it was almost like the house could breathe again. 

The moment I saw your father sitting in the very chair you are occupying, my legs failed me. I broke down on my knees, sobbing uncontrollably, like a little girl. Your father put your arms around me, placing feverish kisses all over my face, telling me that it was going to be okay now. He was back. 

We talked the night away, until the dawn coloured the sky light pink. He wanted to know everything about you - what kind of person you’d become, what you loved, what made you tick, what subjects at Hogwarts were your favourite… I watched a mischievous smile bloom on his chapped lips as I mentioned that your animagus form was a husky. He laughed out loud when I told him you were exceptionally good at blowing up school toilets. He cleared his throat, hiding his tears of joy when he learned you were proud to be a Slytherin, because it “came to show that not all Slytherins were Death Eaters in the making”. I swear I saw Padfoot come back to life that night, familiar fire melting the deadly coldness in his eyes away. 

We arranged for the old members of the Order to come to the Grimmauld place in the evening; I asked Molly to tell you to come too. Sirius was anxious the entire day. He couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t eat, threatening to go see you, claiming he had waited enough. Coming out there, even as a dog, was still dangerous, so I talked him down, time and again. 

I will never forget the tears rolling down his cheeks when he saw you, after all these years… When he held you in his arms… My heart stopped at the sight. Having seen his eyes, having felt his chest against your own that night, how dare you say your father never loved you, Alastair?… You were the only thing that mattered to him, the only thing that kept him going… Even if he was forced not to show it. 

That’s right, you heard me. The moment the members of the Order sat down at this table that night, we knew: many more meetings would follow. I’d been places and I’d seen things - there was no doubt left in my mind that Voldemort was planning his big return, his servants and all these creatures who worshipped him restless. We all knew the danger was coming, but we didn’t know from where exactly.  

Dumbledore and Sirius stepped into the hall after the meeting; they talked long enough for me to start to worry. When Sirius returned to the kitchen, we were still sitting at this table, do you remember?… A bright smile lit up your features as you asked your father if you could stay with him for the remainder of the summer. His answer was short and cold, and shook me to the core. He didn’t even say goodbye when you left for Burrow with Molly and Arthur. 

I was furious. I waited till we were left alone in the house to confront him. I came off a little stronger than I intended, reminding him that you were his son, for Merlin’s sake, and calling him heartless. Tears glimmered in his bloodshot eyes as he told me he was doing what was best for you. It was too dangerous for you to be close to him - he was still considered a murderer by the Ministry, only now the other side of the looming war wanted him dead as well. Being his son alone had already put you in danger; being a devoted, loving son would have surely killed you. I tried to talk some sense into him - he was making the same damn mistake we let James and Lily commit back in the day - he was yielding to fear. 

Please understand, Alastair, this wasn’t my decision to make. I wasn’t your mother. I was nobody really, and that’s exactly what your father told me, point blank. I stared at him in disbelief for what felt like an eternity, before I disappeared into thin air, apparating back to my place in London.  

I watched you grow bitter, while the skies above our heads grew darker with every single day. I tried to talk to you, to justify your father’s behaviour in your eyes, but you wouldn’t listen. I forced Remus, the only close friend I had left, to try and open your father’s eyes, Merlin knows, he’d been good at it when we were back at Hogwarts. Sirius wouldn’t budge, either. Like father, like son. 

I know you were jealous of Harry, I could see it just by looking at your face, don’t try to deny it. All because Sirius was treating him like a friend. What he saw, looking at Harry, was James. An equal, capable of fighting - not the most valuable thing in the world that needed to be protected at all costs. You were the quintessential reason he survived Azkaban. You were the only force that made him go out and fight, every single day. You weren’t just you in his eyes - you were the promise of the happy future he had to deserve by avenging your poor mother. I think he punished himself in a way all this time, he blamed himself for not having been there for the mother of his child when she needed him most. He blamed himself for leaving you. Under the weight of all this guilt and fear, your father got lost… And I wasn’t there to fight for him, to show him the way.

He came to see me… He came to see me a week ago, right before that night at the Ministry”. 

Y/N no longer looks at Alastair - her gaze is lost in the darkness of the hall, as tears roll down her cheeks. 

“…And I didn’t let him in.”

With his vision blurry, Alastair bites on his lips, his chest heaving. He is drowning in all-consuming pain, and no one’s here to save him. This must be what his father felt like. In agony and all alone. 

“There’s not a minute that goes by that I don’t think about him,” Y/N rubs her eyes with the heels of her hands. “I know I could have saved him,” her voice cracks, and her entire body shudders. “Had I loved him a little less, just a tad less to forgive him for the hurt he had caused me, I could have saved him. I could have gone to the Ministry that night instead of him, I could have convinced him to stay here, with you, for he had so much to lose…” Alastair’s eyes meet hers - not a flicker of the flame is reflecting in their irises. He gets the feeling his are the same, void and dark, like his name. 

“I could have saved him,” he says, covering Y/N’s hand with his, squeezing it ever so lightly. “Had I loved him at his worse, when he needed me most”. 

Silence is a scary sound as it closes in on them - on a heartbroken woman with tear-stained cheeks who loved too much, and on the orphan with blood-shot, thunderous grey eyes who did not love enough. 

#harry potter angst #harry potter imagine #harry potter reader insert #young sirius black #sirius black imagine #sirius black angst #sirius black x reader #sirius black x marlene mckinnon #sirius x reader #Sirius Black #marauders era #marauder imagine #Marauders #I actually cried when I wrote that #request #first wizarding war rp #first wizarding war

[sugaxjpg]

02 | heartbreak chronicles; m

⤷ Park Jimin had it all — good grades, a place as the soccer team’s captain and, more than that, the broken hearts of at least half the campus’ population. Though, one thing he did not have was someone willing to break his heart and, after you were dragged inside a miraculous plan to play that part, the last thing counted on was the preposterous idea that, perhaps, you could fall for him as well.

⤷ PART 01

✓ Couple: Jimin x Reader | Fuckboy!AU & College!AU

✓ Filed under: smut (sexting)

✓ Words: 5,787

Author’s Note: Here it is, part 2! Thank you all for the support <3 (Once again, this fic is inspired by the movie “John Tucker Must Die”) 

Monotone, drowning in tedium — that was how your first Monday class begun. Somewhere deep inside your mind, you could hear your teacher going on about an empty subject, filling the air inside the classroom with disconex sentences and incomprehensible claims; your own perception far beyond the yellowed walls of that room. Perhaps, sitting on the last row was not helping your lack of focus; but, much to your personal bliss, Jennie was right next to you, taking the notes you would make sure to use later.

In all honesty, your mind was in the same location as before: the party. Equivalent to what unfolded during the weekend, the story repeated itself amidst your tired daydreams; dragging your consciousness towards the bubbling, divergent feelings inside your chest. Unlike what you first expected, the anguish and guilt of your acts did not last longer than the ride back to your dorm, instead morphing into a sense of curiosity. After all, there were so many details that you waited to be presented with — the second step, the collateral damage it would have on your friendship and, more than anything, Jimin’s reaction.

You just did not expect it would come that instant.

The cloudy preoccupations of your chaotic thoughts dissipated as a light buzz sounded below you, your phone lighting up with a new notification. With a frown, you stared down at the illuminated screen, eyes falling to the white text.

The second you read it, your heart skipped a beat.

[10:22] Jimin: we need to talk

You swallowed dry, slightly wide-eyes as you took in the terrible timing of that message. “Jennie,” you hissed, getting the attention of the girl by your side. “We have a problem.”

She looked at you in confusion, taking a last glance at the professor before responding in a whisper. “What is it?” As an answer, you pointed to your device, showing her the message before the screen withered back to black. At that, she smiled. “Oh, the boy is quick. Answer him.”

The amusement in her voice wasn't exactly unexpected, but still only managed to make you even more incredulous — how could she be treating that with such naturality? “What should I say?” You questioned, attempting to mask the exasperation in your tone.

“Bullshit him for now,” she shrugged, leaning back against her seat. “Let’s see what he wants.”

You nodded, hands reaching for your phone. With quick movements, you unlocked and went straight to the messages, typing one simple word before your second thoughts could pull you back.

Sent.

[10:22] You: about?

Much to your distaste, your friend answered a few seconds later.

[10:22] Jimin: friday

You took a deep breath, thinking that playing it out would be smarter than handing him the control of the situation. Once again, you looked at the front of the class to make sure it was not calling anyone’s attention — to be fair, you knew your professor would most likely brush it off if he saw the phone in your hands, but the insecurity growing inside you did not permit for your rational side to overcome your fears.

[10:22] You: still don’t see your point

Shame washed over you the second you hit enter. There was no way he could not see through that facade; Jimin was your best friend, after all.

As if to confirm your dreadful thoughts, his answer came.

[10:23] Jimin: I know you do

[10:23] Jimin: what the fuck was that

You chuckled, showing Jennie the screen. “I don’t know either,” you told her, sarcastic. “What do I respond to this?”

A dim smirk appeared on her plump lips. “Ask if he didn’t like it,” the girl told you with conviction. “And send a sad face. For, you know, impact.”

Since you didn’t have a better idea, you went with hers.

[10:23] You: didn’t you like it :(

Jimin is typing…

You shook your head, trying to avoid the nervousness flying around your head. “This is nerve-wrecking.”

“You’ve been through worse,” the girl told you, her mind going back to the previous adventure you shared. “It’s nice to know that phase one worked so well, though. This is going on better than we expected.”

You nodded. “What even is phase two, by the way?”

Jennie looked at you as if you already knew the answer. To be fair, you had been questioning them that since the car ride on friday, and the girls simply would not bulge. The curiosity was eating you alive, and the lack of information that was presented to you did not help the slightest. “You’ll know when the time comes,” she said, repeating the same sentence once again. Before you could complain about it, however, her eyes fell to the device in your hands, interested. “Look, he answered… what a paragraph.”

For a moment, you were confused at her comment; though, when you stared at the screen of your phone, you understood her surprise.

[10:25] Jimin: ok listen I have no idea what the hell happened with you that day? Idk man you looked and acted like a completely different person and I’m not saying I didn’t like it because, shit, I liked it a lot more than I should, but I need some sort of explanation? Were you drunk or something?

You chuckled at the last question, but your attention was glued to another part of his message — he had liked it.

[10:25] You: nope I was sober

[10:25] Jimin: then what the fuck

With an annoying grunt, Jennie took the phone from your hands. “Okay, give me this thing,” she said, typing quickly on your keyboard. So fast, in fact, that when you moved to get the object back, she had already sent her text. “There you go.” She handed it back to you, proud.

“Oh my god, Jennie.” You breathed out, looking at the words that shone on the screen. You read it at least twice, attempting to convince yourself that it was a mere product of your pessimistic reveries. “You can’t be serious.”

[10:26] You: are you sad because you didn’t get to cum? :(

“The conversation was going nowhere, and this is not the time to be overdramatic,” Jennie was authoritarian with her words, watching as you locked your phone and placed it back on the wooden surface. “Do you know what Jisoo would say if she saw you like this?”

“She would call me sweetie,” you said, crossing your arms. The blackboard was now completely different if compared to the last time you looked at it, and you thought it would be wiser to let the academic weight of your impulsive actions to hit you later. “And say something about overreacting.”

“Exactly,” she agreed. “So keep that in mind— oh, holy shit.”

You frowned at the sudden interruption of her sentence. Following her incredulous stare, you found your way back to the illuminated screen of your phone; now completely flooded with incoming notifications.

[10:26] Jimin: what do you think? ofc I am

[10:26] Jimin: you looked so fucking hot what did you expect

[10:26] Jimin: I mean you look hot every day but shit I couldn’t keep my eyes off you that night

[10:26] Jimin: in case you’re wondering

[10:26] Jimin: I want you just as bad

[10:27] Jimin: I wanted you all these past days

[10:27] Jimin: fuck it’s driving me crazy

[10:27] Jimin: you’re driving me crazy

[10:27] Jimin: I just want you to be here with me

[10:27] Jimin: so I can show you just how much you’ve been ruining me

[10:27] Jimin: show you just what would have happened if you didn’t leave me behind like that

[10:27] Jimin: fucking shit bby I need you here

“You got him on a hook.” Jennie smiled, satisfied. Her eyes gleamed in enthusiasm as she read over the messages, looking back at you with certain pride. “Even though this was expected. He’s following his own script, nothing that he didn’t tell one of us.”

You hummed in agreement, doubts flying around your head like annoying insects. Once again, you had to remind yourself that you were no different from all the other girls Jimin had used, and that you could never permit yourself to fall for his empty, forced charms. “What should I do now?” You questioned.

“Have fun, keep it going,” she said with simplicity, moving her gaze back to the front of the class. Still, the teacher was completely oblivious to your conversations. “Tease him about it. I'll give you some space.”

You bit down on your lower lip as the girl moved a bit to the side, letting you take care of that situation however you wanted to. Interested, you looked back at the messages in your screen, moving quickly to write your reply.

[10:28] You: I don't believe you :/

It was almost possible to hear the boy groaning in frustration, his own answer showing the way he had become bothered at your impassive attitude — Jimin wanted to know what kind of effects his blunt confessions would have on you, but you were not giving in so easily.

[10:28] Jimin: fucking hell

[10:28] Jimin: what am I supposed to do?

You chuckled, wasting no time in sending your simple request back:

[10:28] You: impress me

At that, you locked your phone and waited; trying to move your mind back to the subject that spilled from the professor’s lips. Regardless, your focus could not last for much longer, for your worries returned soon after.

The main aspect that was fueling you to keep moving forward on that plan was the fact that, regardless of his own position, Jimin seemed to have completely disregarded your friendship. As far as you could tell, those years you shared meant nothing to him, seeing how he wasted no time in using you like you were a stranger to him.

Perhaps, you were a bit guilty too —  maybe you had been blind, naive. After all, Jimin held no compassion towards all the other girls he had dated, and you would be a fool to think he would behave differently towards you. Even if you were his best friend, the second you showed a more ‘lustful’ interest, he pushed all that aside to get a grip of what you were offering.

Yes, perchance you should not feel so guilty about that entire situation. Jimin clearly paid no mind to the way your friendship was falling apart — so why should you?

It took the boy almost twenty minutes to reply to your provocation, his question looking a bit out of place for you:

[10:45] Jimin: are you in class rn

You frowned, but answered anyways.

[10:45] You: yeah

[10:46] Jimin: hide your phone then ;)

[incoming image…]

Your throat went dry as the opaque square popped up on your screen, slowly loading what he had sent you. The small circle seemed to take years until it was finally completed, dragging on your expectation towards the limits of your patience.

When it downloaded, you forgot to breathe.

“Oh my god.”

At the same time your eyes scrutinized the picture before you, you turned your phone around so Jennie could not see, your gaze wanting to take every bit and piece of the image — Jimin had captured the line below his open, plump lips; presenting you with his own hand grasping the bulge on his pants. His tank top was slightly pulled up, showing you the outline of his clenched abs as he touched his erected member, now so predominant through his grey sweatpants.

You swallowed dry, finding that picture much hotter than you probably should. There was something extremely compelling about the thought that the boy was that hard because of you, frustrated enough to send you that confirmation and expect you to do something about it — and, as you tried to absorb every detail and the discomfort between your legs increased, you actually considered doing so.

“What?” Jennie asked, bringing you back the reality. Your heart skipped a beat as she attempted to move closer, making a mention to peek at the illuminated screen before you locked your phone once again. “Are you seriously not letting me see it?” She huffed, annoyed.

You denied instantly, trying to mask the way your had grown bothered. “No, it’s nothing much.”

“Come on, show me. Is it a dick pic or something?” She raised one eyebrow, inquisitive. Though, when she saw that you were not planning to answer, she realized the truth within her question. “Oh god... is it?”

You cleared your throat. “Yes, I mean no, I mean—” you shook your head, organizing your thoughts. “It's involved. But it's not… there in the open.”

Jennie smiled. “Whatever floats your boat,” she told you, but did not seem truly impressed. Once again, nothing too out of the ordinary for him — besides, she was pretty sure Jisoo told her something similar to what you were going through. “Do you have anything to reply with?”

“Like wh— Oh, no,” you shook your head, realizing what she meant a bit later than you probably should. “I don't usually take pictures like that, you know?”

“A pity,” Jennie sighed, moving her attention back to the front of the class. Not even the girl was paying attention to the teacher anymore, allowing for her mind to wander amidst the boring speech that filled the room. “In a way, it's better this way. You should respond, though, the kid is probably getting nervous with your silence.”

You agreed, but soon realized something else. “I have no idea what to respond to this.”

“Not with what he wants you to, that’s for sure.” She scoffed, returning her focus to the incomplete notes in front of her.

There was a second of hesitation as you looked back at the messages you shared, your gaze trapped once again on the promiscuous position he was in. Of all the possibilities that sprouted in your mind, you went for the one you knew would get a reaction out of him.

[10:49] You: shouldn’t you be getting ready for practice, park?

No, that was not what you wanted to have sent. In reality, you wished to tell him to impress you even further, to lower his pants and gift you with a glimpse of the “problems” you should take care of. Fuck, you wanted to have more than he was giving you, but you would never permit yourself to show him that — as the girls said numerous times before, the control should stay in your hands.

[10:49] Jimin: yes but I can't focus

[10:49] Jimin: I can't stop thinking about you

[10:49] Jimin: I've been so fucking horny since friday u have no idea

[10:49] Jimin: I wish you could be touching me right now, my cock is so hard

A shaky exhale left your lips as that image appeared in your mind: his head thrown back, whimpers leaving his throat as his hand moved on his hardness, teasing himself and caressing his slit just the right way to make himself moan out in delight. That was not good at all for you to keep your self control steady, and you made the mistake of asking him if that was the case.

[10:49] You: are you touching yourself, Jimin?

[10:50] Jimin: I am now

Definitely, that was not good at all.

[10:50] Jimin: bby I'm so horny

[10:50] Jimin: can you come over can u take care of me please

[10:50] Jimin: I just wanna feel you babe please

“Fuck.” You breathed out, unaware that such word had left your lips before the girl by your side reacted, a bit confused.

Jennie frowned. “What?”

“Nothing, nothing,” you were fast to deny, clearing your throat. “He's just… being a douche.”

“That's not anything new.” She laughed, disregarding your nervousness. In a way, she didn't really care about what was unfolding beside her, sure it was nothing beyond the expected. “You look like you're having fun, though. You're blushing.”

“I'm not,” you spoke, signaling her to look towards the blackboard — once again, much different from the last time you saw it. “Go pay attention to class, I’ll need your notes.”

Before she could complain, you turned back to your phone, silently showing that you would not mind whatever she was thinking about. In a mixture of enthrallment and tension, you watched as, one more time, your phone was flooded with notifications; barely giving you time to read them before another needy text was popping up:

[10:50] Jimin: fuck bby you have no idea how fucking hard I am right now

[10:50] Jimin: it's all because of you

[10:50] Jimin: I want you so bad you don't even know

[10:50] Jimin: babe please I need you :(

[10:50] Jimin: oh my fucking god

[10:50] Jimin: just thinking how good you must feel makes me wanna cum so hard for you

[10:50] Jimin: I know you would take my cock so well baby

[10:50] Jimin: I'm so clos e

[10:50] Jimin: I wish you were heree

[10:50] Jimin: on your knees wit h your mouth open for me fuck

[10:50] Jimin: would you letme cum on your moutyh bby 

Your heart was beating fast by the time you were done reading his messages, mind going blank as you took in all that he had sent you. Against your will, his texts caused for those sinful images to emerge amidst your thoughts, making your chest grow tighter with the desire they brought along — you could almost picture Jimin now, whining as moaning as strands of sweat glistened down his chest, trying to text you as he fought his own release. You could see his begging to cum on your mouth, his hooded eyes staring down at you with absolute need.

Once again, not the best for you to keep your composure intact.

[10:51] Jimin: don't ignore me :(

You almost chuckled at that, noticing instantly how he craved your attention. Yes, perhaps the boy was just putting up a show for you and, just like Jennie had said before, following his own script.

Your response came right after:

[10:51] You: I'm not ignoring you

However, now you really wanted to. Jimin would turn into a mess, you realized, and that would only serve for you to regain the control you were slowly giving away — but then again, it was not like you could bring yourself to push that conversation aside so easily.

[10:51] Jimin: oh but you are

[10:51] Jimin: you're so mean...

[10:51] Jimin: you left me so hard friday  

[10:51] Jimin: aren’t you going t to do anything about tthis :(

You licked your lips, heartbeat increasing at the mere thought. That was exactly what you wanted to hear from him, the certainty of your actions igniting a flame of confidence within you.

[10:52] You: should I?

[10:52] Jimin: please

[10:52] Jimin: I rlly need you

You pondered at your next message for some time, questioning yourself if it would be worth sending. Fingers hovering over the keyboard, you thought about what kind of consequences something so simple could bring; but, at the same time, the mixture of curiosity and the light, wicked need to provoke him even further got the best of you.

Sent.

[10:52] You: I’m not convinced

You were sure that such message had started something inside him, for the uncharacteristic silence that followed resembled the one that came before his image. In fact, that was all you expected to receive, unaware of what the boy was planning.

[incoming audio message…]

That could not be happening.

With a breath stuck on your throat and expectation pumping through your veins, you watched as the small player button loaded, every second seeming to drag through eternity. For an instant, you considered not listening to it; but, as it was finally completed, curiosity got the best of you.

You placed it against your ear and hit play.

“Fuck, baby girl,” Jimin’s voice sounded on the other side, an octave lower. The boy was groaning and whimpering, his heavy breathing seeming to hit your skin through the screen of your phone. “Babe, please, you don’t know how much I need you,” he moaned out, a long sound that echoed through your body. Between your legs, you started to grow bothered, pulse increasing as you squeezed your thighs together. “Can you hear me? Can you hear how I — fuck — How I can’t control myself thinking about you? I’m so fucking har—”

The audio cut right there, frustration washing over you instantly. Never once had you noticed the way you adored his voice and, more than that, how mellifluous it sounded as it was moaning out for you. Now more than ever, you could visualize as Jimin moved his hand up and down his length, chest rising and falling in broken pleas. You could see as his abs clenched in pleasure; disheveled hair falling over his closed eyes like a cascade, bathed in the droplets of sweat that ran down his face.

Fighting against every nerve of your body, you forced yourself to type a dry, impassive answer.

[10:54] You: that’s your problem, Park :/

[10:54] Jimin: babe pplease please

God, that was not what you needed at that point in your life. Somewhere amidst your cloudy, lustful thoughts; you realized that you did not exactly hate when he called you names like that — in fact, you almost liked a bit more than you should.

Truly, your friendship had been pretty much ruined.

[10:55] You: you should be in practice now… not thinking about me

[10:55] You: it’s not my fault that you can’t control yourself ://

The instant that took you to think about your next texts was enough for Jennie to awake you from those lustful fantasies, her entertained voice dragging you back to that boring classroom. “Hey? Earth to (y/n)?” She touched your shoulder, shaking it slightly. “The class ended.”

“Hm?” You looked around, lost. How haven’t you heard that? More than that, how had you become so oblivious to the other students that were already leaving the classroom. “Yeah, I... totally saw that.”

“You look like you’re having fun,” the girl teased, putting her notebook in her bag and closing the zipper. “Just remember not to give him—.”

“—Yeah, yeah, I got it,” you interrupted, impatient. Before you got up, you made sure to lock your phone again so that Jennie would not notice your latest texts — you were pretty sure they would find a way to use the picture or the audio against Jimin, and that was something you would never allow them to do. “I won’t give him what he wants, don’t worry.”

“They grow up so fast.” She laughed, gaze falling back to the device in your hands. “Hey, you should stop replying for now.”

Strangely, you found yourself wishing to continue. With your eyes lost in the material in front of you, you attempted to find a reasonable excuse. “I don’t think—“

Ding!

At the same time, both of your stares fell to the device.

[10:55] Jimin: I’m gonna cum for u bby

“Wow.” Jennie chuckled, picking her books up and pressing them against her chest. Amusement was dripping for her lips like venom, resounding on her every syllable as she looked back at you. “I can’t leave you alone for ten minutes.”

You silenced your phone and quickly placed it in your back pocket, ignoring the way your face had heated up. “I have nothing to do with this.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” She smiled, watching as you organized your stuff with a little more force than necessary. “Definitely stop replying. The poor thing will be so frustrated.”

“That’s so rude,” you told her, closing your backpack. Now, you two were the only two people still in class, and your rush was contrasting immensely with the way you had been acting before. “Especially during… you know.”

“Because Park Jimin is the most altruistic person I know,” Jennie rolled her eyes, sarcasm present within her every sentence. “Give me a break. Besides, if you give him what he wants, he’ll jump straight to another girl… and we don’t want that, do we?”

“Tell me about it,” you said, seeing that both as a chance to avoid that subject and complain about your inner conflicts. “Honestly? After I went home I started thinking about that, how he just… threw our friendship out of the window like that. For what? A boner?” You scoffed, annoyed. “Thanks for the consideration.”

“Welcome to the club,” Jennie told you, taking a couple steps back as you skirted your seat, placing one of the straps on your shoulder. “The worst thing you can do is show interest, that being positive or negative. Don’t give Jimin a reaction and his brain will combust in confusion.”

“I guess you’re right,” you agreed, realizing that it was the same pattern you had noticed along his texts. “I did want to talk about our friendship, though. Even if I’m still angry about him—”

“(y/n), I’m sorry, but is this the right time for a relationship talk?” The girl questioned, taken aback by that claim. You could not be serious. “Yes, hello, Jimin. I know I’m part of a plan to fuck you over, but I wanted to know if we’re still besties? I mean I know you have a boner and all, but I thought—”

“Okay, got it,” you cut her off, silence falling over the two of you as you started walking towards the door. You could not map out the emotions that appeared on Jennie’s expression, but you could sense that she was a bit annoyed at your attitude. “I wouldn’t know how to fix that, anyways.”

“Then again, that was just phase one,” she spoke sadistically. “Ready for the second?”

“You already know I’m not.” You sighed, but were unable to mask the curiosity that emerged within you. “But let’s get this going.”

The breeze was light, brushing your hair back and caressing the ruffling leaves of trees. It was not a particularly hot day, but the anguish of your position caused for an odd warmth to run through your body; preventing you from focusing on the shallow conversations of the girls around you. Their words came out in a blur, your mind lost somewhere along the passing students and the fragments of what had just happened. Internally, you thanked your friend for picking a table on the outside of the establishment, so you could allow for your eyes to wander around the prismatic colors of the nature around you — not that they could move your thoughts away from your constant preoccupations, anyways.

After the class ended, you and Jennie went to a restaurant somewhere in campus — a place you were not familiar with, but that she insisted it was the best you could ever come across — and sat there for a few minutes, waiting for the other guilty individuals to finally arrive. Much to your dismay, their own classes took longer than yours, causing for them to come in disperse, random times.

Jisoo was the first to arrive, losing no time in asking for a cold drink to alleviate the way she had come running from the other side of the campus. Not that it was a surprise, but she instantly blamed you two for it, saying that it was your fault for picking a place so ‘inconvenient’ to meet up. Jennie was quick to say that it was its secluded aspect that would prevent someone from hearing their plan, but the other girl did not look as if she had been convinced.

Next, came Chaeyoung, apologizing for her the time that took her to find the spot. You noticed instantly the latent contrast between the two newcomers, and thought to yourself how peculiar it was that they came together to work against that mutual objective. In a way, that entire story seemed to hold the weirdest of characteristics, its very occurrence completely unreal to you — no matter how many times you went over everything, you were still unable to believe your own position.

You had agreed to break your best friend’s heart.

But, then again, Jimin did not seem bothered about it.  

Lisa was the last one to arrive, causing for the ongoing conversations to cease in expectation. The girl sighed, placing her books on the table and staring at the others between tired exhales. Beneath the auric luminescence of the sun, her blonde hair stood out in a beautiful golden color, embracing her features as she moved to sit down across from you “Sorry, my teacher wouldn’t shut up. What did I miss?”

Jennie hummed, eyes falling to the small pile of literary works that were now in front of her. “We were waiting for you,” she told her. “Now, we can get started.”

You had promised yourself you would try your best to mask your inner impatience, but there was no dignity left for you to lose at that point. Using the remnants of confidence you held inside you, you finally voiced the pandemonium that was unrevealing beyond your vacant eyes. “Okay, guys, I’ve reached my limit. Can someone tell me what phase two is?”

Jisoo chuckled, delighting in your restlessness. “Simple, sweetie,” the girl started, taking a moment to drink a slip of her cold drink. You were sure she did that on purpose, making sure to prolong that dreadful expectation for as long as she could. At last, she placed the cup back on the surface, looking at you in pure amusement. “We’ll make him jealous.”

That was not what you were expecting.

You paused, taken aback. “What?”

“Jimin is the kind of guy who is not exactly used to… being protective,” it was Lisa who explained, leaning forwards as if it would mask the incredulity within your stare. “If we could get that reaction out of him, it would make him realize how much he actually wants you.”

Next to you, Jennie chuckled. “I don’t think that will be an issue. They were sexting all class.”

Your eyes grew wide instantly, lips parting as you searched faithlessly for a hidden excuse. “I’m—”

“You’re fucking with me,” Lisa cut your sentence off, interest plastered all over her attentive features. A smile appeared on her face, reflecting the surprise of all the others. “What did he say?”

“Nothing,” you were quick to respond, even if it was clear that the embarrassment on your cheeks meant otherwise. Next to you, Jennie parted her lips to disagree, but you stopped her before she could do so. “Jennie, don’t even think about opening your mouth.”

She raised her hands in a silent request for forgiveness, leaning back against the chair. “Okay, my bad,” Jennie said, thinking it would be better to go back to the original idea of that meeting. “So, are you up for phase two?”

You hesitated for an instant, thinking better about what they had explained to you. “I don’t know, wouldn’t it be kinda shitty to involve someone else?” You questioned, unsure about using some other person to achieve that task. “How would I even make him jealous?”

“Just be extra friendly with someone in front of him, you don’t need to get involved with anyone else,” Lisa explained, making you grow a bit relieved at her words. Okay, so they just wanted you to pretend to flirt with someone, that was better than what you were expecting. “Yeah, we wouldn’t be mean to the point of getting some other guy in this entire situation. We have basic common sense.”

You scoffed. “I doubt that.”

“Besides, it has to be subtle,” Chaeyoung completed, pausing to take a small slip at her own drink. “Jimin needs to think his feelings are irrational.”

“That’s so cold and calculated,” you shook your head, sarcasm spilling from your lips. It was constant the way you found yourself second guessing that abnormal position; but, at the same time, you felt as if the first step had been far too enormous to back out right now — more than that, you could not win against the way you were intrigued to move forward on that entire plan, having more fun than you probably should. “What do I even have to lose?”

“I can see life slowly disappearing from your eyes, but I’m glad you’re still on board,” Lisa teased, placing her hands on top of her books before continuing, her voice much more serious now. “No, but are you cool with it? We won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. We can change the plan, the final call is always yours.”

You nodded, safe to know that they would respect your boundaries. “No, it’s fine by now,” you guaranteed, certain of your claims. Even though the situation was very uncommon, there was nothing so far that would cross the margins of your consent. “I’ll tell you if there’s something too out of line.”

“Good.” Lisa breathed out, relieved. She felt a bit guilty last night, the memories of the first step coming back to her right before she withered back into a world of dreams. In the stillness of her quiet bedroom, she realized that, maybe, the pressure of their eagerness could have pushed you to do something you did not feel comfortable. “Now, do you have any idea of who you could use?” She moved on, taking your word for it.

“Honestly?” You paused, reflecting for a second. There was no one you could remember that would be fit for that job; no stranger or close friend that could agree on playing that part or, at least, would not be so bothered when you played your own. “No one comes up right now.” You finally answered.

Jisoo smirked, fingers trailing the borders of her empty cup. “You’re lucky we’re prepared,” she said. The way she was staring at you — a mixture of mischiviancy and amusement — made it easy for you to notice the weight of her next words before they even left her pale pink lips. “Sweetie, tell us: do you know Jeon Jungkook?”

Just like that, you weren’t so confident about phase two anymore.

#bts smut #bts #jimin smut #bts x reader #bts x you #bts college #jimin x reader #jimin x you #reader insert #smut #scenerios #imagines #bts scenarios #jimin scenarios #jimin imagines #college au #bts fic #jimin fic #fratboy jimin #fuckboy jimin #sub jimin #bts series #jimin series

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

#take a shot every time i say whew #fully put more effort and time into this than most of my uni projects xx #its super rambly but thats bc its mostly just my direct stream of thought #also super long! and probably still missing things i wanted to say #AND like 3 weeks late fshfjjkdjkfsd #skam #clownfest 2019 #blabbey

[snkpolls]

SnK S3E14 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 355 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 346 Responses

Despite some negatives about the animation of this episode, 87% of the fandom enjoyed it overall, giving it positive votes!

Animation's not movie quality, but damn it was a good episode

I think it lacks some kind of tempo: some moments are stretched out, others are too short.

Could've been paced better, better music choices, less cgi roof shingle focus and could have cut the thunder spear flashback or at least have shortened it... but it didn't look terrible. Although, I wish the fight had a bit more "weight" to it, with moments such as eren punching reiner ( "This is the place where I once called home!" )

Loved it!

Reiner Vs Eren looked a bit stiff, but overall it was a great episode.

The mUSIC WAS SO BOMB

IT WAS SO GOOD I CANT WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE WIT NEVER CEASES TO IMPRESS

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 346 Responses

Levi agreeing to fight the Beast Titan was the winner in this category with 31.5% of the vote. The Thunder Spears in action come in second place and Levi sassing Erwin in third.

Levi the madman not losing any of his sass

Liked Erwin’s monologue

Reiner and Erwin’s inner monologue was pretty nice in this episode imo. I like the manga just as much as the anime but hearing their voices in the anime, especially Erwin’s, made those scenes heavier and much more real to me.

Hange looked amazing!

WEAPONRY! It's the way to get it done! WEAPONRY! It's effective and it's fun!

WHO DID YOU FIND YOURSELF ROOTING FOR MORE? 346 Responses

With the 81.8% of the votes, Eren was getting the majority of cheers from the fandom, while only the 18.2% were rooting for Reiner. 

Seeing Anime people hating Reiner hurts my feelings. Specially because it will take a lot of time until we see the Marley arc  

WHICH SIDE OF THE WALL WOULD YOU RATHER BE ON? 345 Responses

89.3% of respondents agree that they’d much rather be inside of Shiganshina facing off with Reiner than dealing with the threat of the Beast Titan.

STRATEGY MAPS: WHO DID IT BETTER? 345 Responses

This question has a more equal response, with 54.2% of the fandom believing that Isayama did it better with the Strategy Maps while the 45.8% preferred WIT’s animation of it.

HOW MUCH DID YOU SYMPATHIZE WITH ERWIN AS HE REFLECTED ON HIMSELF? 348 Responses

33.3% of the fandom sit directly in the middle between sympathizing with Erwin and feeling that he needs to shoulder the responsibility of his decisions, while 28.2% of respondents truly sympathize with him.

Erwin's speech was the moment I was holding my breath for in this episode, and it was done justice. Not as impactful to me personally as the manga version, but justice done. And that's all I'm asking for.

That look on dead!Mike's face... It was revolting, because real, alive Mike would never have looked at his best friend like that. And that just tells us how terrible Erwin's own perception of himself is... God, he deserves a hug. :'(

HOW MUCH DOES IT HURT TO SEE THE 104TH ATTACKING REINER? 347 Responses

This answer had a lot of relatively equal votes! About 40% of respondents overall didn’t feel too badly about the 104th attacking Reiner, while 23.3% of the fandom felt neither sad nor happy about seeing the 104th attacking Reiner.

104 kickin ass?!?! bless the lord?!?!

If I was anime only I would be happy seeing Reiner's suffering. But as a manga reader I felt a bit of sadness when I saw him being attacked by the SC.

RATE HOW WELL THE ANIME ADAPTED THE CHAPTERS OVERALL: 347 Responses

The fandom seems very pleased with the adaptation of chapters 75-76, with 49.3% ranking it at a 4, while 36% of respondents gave it a 5.

I was so looking forward to Erwin's reflection moment, especially the scene in which he stood on top of all of the corpses. Really well adaptated, just as I expected it to be (even though it was better in the manga, maybe because it was my first contact with it)

Great, faithfully adapting some aspects from the manga, but still the quality should've been a lot better. I hope WIT would rise the standard bar in the future episodes. Overall, it was satisfying to watch.

WERE YOU SATISFIED WITH THE ADAPTATION OF EREN VS. REINER? 347 Responses

Overall the fandom gives the adaptation a pass, with 64.6% of respondents feeling it went about as expected, while 21.3% believe that it was worse than their expectations. The remaining 14.1% felt it exceeded their expectations.

IMO they really could've done better with the OST in Eren vs Reiner fight.

Eren vs Reiner could've had better music to fit the scene. It was a little generic?

Although the adaptation of the Eren vs Reiner fight wasn't as good as I was expecting, I still enjoyed the fight. Definitely wasn't as disappointed as a lot of other people are. I just hope they do my Boi Bert justice next episode.

HOW PUMPED WERE YOU TO SEE PIECK’S TITAN UP CLOSE? 348 Responses

As expected of Pieck! With a slight winning edge, 36.8% are hyped for best girl, while 36.5% feel that WIT captured the eeriness of her titan perfectly! 10.6% felt she looked very cool.

I RABU MY CUTE WIFE PIKU

This design fits her more than the initial one Isayama did back when he wanted to have a middle aged man instead of Pieck. So yeah, I like this one more.

I feel like the Cart Titan looks more feminine than it does in the manga.

It'll be very surprising if she suddenly talks or makes a short noise in the anime version lol

Cart Titan might be my favorite character design of any anime, cartoon, or show. She’s just as beautiful here as in the manga.

They made the eyes more feminine. But it clearly resembles Pieck

I’ve been waiting so long for this I’m satisfied and excited af :’)!!!

GIVEN WHAT HAPPENS LATER, DO YOU THINK ERWIN’S PLAN WAS A GOOD ONE? 347 Responses

64.6% of the fandom feel that Erwin’s plan is the best decision they could have made, while 16.7% feel that while the plan was good, there may have been better options.15.9% are still not sure of the answer.

I don’t even know my own name anymore

This episode really cemented the fact that Erwin never stopped caring about his dream to find out the truth of the world and that Levi made the wrong choice.

Erwin no

DO YOU FEEL THAT ERWIN’S REFLECTIVE MONOLOGUE HAD THE SAME WEIGHT AS IT DID IN THE MANGA? 344 Responses

Erwin’s self-reflection is an emotional part and adds important weight to Erwin’s character! 56.1% of the fandom thinks that the scene was as good as they remember it in the manga, while 25.3% were more deeply impacted by WIT’s rendition of the scene. 18% felt that it could have been done better.

I WAS NOT READY FOR ERWIN'S MOUNTAIN OF CORPSES I DID NOT KNOW IT WOULD HAPPEN SO SOON AND IT CRUSHED ME

WIT does action well, but character moments not so much. The mountain of corpses was almost too big imo. Somehow it had more impact in the manga. Making things bigger and more extreme doesn't necessarily make them more intense in terms of emotional impact.

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE ANIMATION AND SOUND EFFECTS OF THE THUNDER SPEARS? 345 Responses

Well over half of the fandom were pleased with the animation and effects of the Thunder Spears. We’ve been waiting a long time and it seems the vast majority of us were not disappointed! :’)

seeing some of the thunder spears in action made their function and operation easier to understand.

YAASSSSSSSSSSS!!! THUNDER SPEARS MAH BOISSS!!

Oh man I did not expect the thunder spears to make those high-pitched squeals but it was actually amazing

Thunder spearsssss

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 347 Responses

With 44% of the vote, manga readers are most looking forward to seeing the Bertl Bomb™! Following behind that at 23% is seeing Marco get eaten by Araki Titan, and 17% of respondents are looking forward to Armin and Bertolt’s confrontation.

I'm REALLY looking forward to watch Marco's death (even though they already showed it in the Lost Girls OVA) and the flipping Serumbowl, which will be epic "

really good cliffhanger, left me uhhhh,,, hung

BERTPISODE WHEN

The ending scene really hyped me up for what's coming

Can't wait to see the corps get obliterated by rocks

GIVE ME THE BIG SWEATY......... LET ME ENJOY HIS LAST ANIMATED MOMENTS :(

These week long waits keep getting worse

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

WHERE’S MY MOBLIT? THEY CAN’T JUST KILL HIM OFFSCREEN WITHOUT EVER SHOWING HIM! :(

Seeing Anime people hating Reiner hurts my feelings. Specially because it will take a lot of time until we see the Marley arc

It was so so slow. I mean I loved every second of it but it was painfully slow, they showed every characters thoughts. Not a bad thing, but not good either idk. I guess it has to build up the tension before the battle.

Does Hanji get prettier with each passing episode?

Needs more Sawano

Aside from the slow/awkward reiner vs eren fight, the animations were honestly sO amazing! the smooth ODMG animations and the Thunder Spears—even down to Reiner sliding back down the wall; it was verryy impressive! In addition, the pacing is honestly perfect and it draws out quite the tension and emotion! Loved it!

I remember reading Eren saying "This is where I...where we..once called home! I'm taking it back!" in the manga and I was like "YES! DO IT!!" but in the anime it didn't have that feeling. Not to mention that the OP had a better punch animation than the actual episode? The second half of the brawl felt more in tune (probably helped by the music that carried from Erwin's part of the episode).

I hope there are gonna be as little changes as possible. WIT butchered one arc already, let's hope they won't repeat those mistakes.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 331 Responses

Thank you to everyone who participated! We’ll see you again in a few days! 

#snk spoilers #snk s3 #snk poll #snk polls #poll results

[longlivefeedback]

hey! so, i'm sure this is something that's been discussed, but i can't find any discourse on your blog. i'm a fic writer and NOTHING annoys me more than the "don't say anything negative" attitude toward fanfiction. if someone leaves a comment that says "i loved your fic but i'm curious as to why character didn't do [x] since it seems a little inconsistent..." or "loved it! just wanted to point out a couple small inaccuracies that most people won't notice but since i work in this field..." (1/?)

it shows me that the commentor was paying attention and thinking about my writing, and isn’t that the ENTIRE point of posting your writing online? i’ve run across quite a few writers who will criticise any criticism or less-than-effusive comments, and it just really, really annoys me. the main reason i think is bc i legitimately LOVE fanfiction—it’s my preferred thing to write/read over original fiction bc it allows me to focus on just exploring the characters since people are already(2/?)

familiar with them/the canon verse. it’s why i hate that it isn’t taken as seriously as original fic, and i really think this culture of “don’t engage unless you only have good things to say” is one of the reasons it just isn’t taken seriously. ofc, not saying that you should just point out all the flaws, but some polite, helpful concrit or probing questions in addition to praise?? makes me really happy tbh. idk maybe i just take it too seriously but (¾)

it REALLY bothers me, and so i wanted to read some debate on this matter from both sides — not just writers, not just readers. this my extremely long-winded way of asking: do you guys have any posts like this?? (4/4)

LLF response: Hi Anon! We do have some posts about commenting culture and a brief guide to supporting authors, as well as reblogs on a guide to reviews and an overview of fandom commenting. Assuming you’ve looked through those posts, the reason why you cannot find anything that addresses your specific concern (i.e. questions in comments bringing up inconsistencies or trying to understand why a character appears to be acting OOC) is probably because LLF has been primarily concerned with broad structural changes and feedback initiatives thus far and the topic you raise, while valid and important to feedback culture, is a bit too nuanced for the current focus of this blog.That being said, I think that your ask brings up some interesting assumptions and perceptions that are critical for fandom health and which I can give my personal opinion on under the jump.

Full disclaimer, the following is my (mod dragonling’s) personal opinion and interpretation of the ask.

1. i’m a fic writer and NOTHING annoys me more than the “don’t say anything negative” attitude toward fanfiction.

This to me is indicative of differing expectations for fandom. Let’s say that instead of fic writing, we’re all chefs (or people who make food) here. We each make a dish and now we want to share it with the world. Do you (A) take it to your friend’s house where they are holding a potluck celebration; (B) set up a stall at the state fair; or © enter it into a cooking/baking competition ala Chopped where 5 star judges and food critics will sample your food? Depending on where you take you food, you would expect very different reactions.

Generally speaking, you would probably want your friends at the potluck to thank you for bringing something and compliment you for how delicious your dish is. If you were still fine tuning your recipe, you could let them know and maybe they would be able to say one or two things they liked or didn’t like about it which you would file away for the evening, to be looked at for the next time you made something.

However, if you were at a state fair, even getting your dish looked at by the crowds of people milling around would be an achievement. If someone bought some of your food, that would be fantastic! If they bought it, took a bite, and then told you how tasty it was, even better! Those people that bought your food, went away, and then came back to tell you how much they enjoyed it or came back to buy some more and brought all their friends with them are heaven sent angels. You probably wouldn’t expect anyone to say anything negative about your food because even if you were still fine tuning the recipe, a state fair is neither the time or place where any sort of meaningful culinary discussion can really take place on a consistent basis.

The situation would be different if you were at a cooking competition. There, you would expect these food experts to pick apart your food. Maybe not steamroll and chew you out ala Gordon Ramsey, but even then if that’s what you were expecting and the kind of feedback you respond best to, then sign up for a competition he is judging at. Perhaps you don’t want to just be yelled at, but would actually like to be coached, then maybe enter a competition with more of a mentoring element versus cutthroat competition.

This all really boils down to knowing who your audience is and your expectations for them. I would say that posting to ao3 is closest to the state fair, and is why the “don’t say anything negative” attitude is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged. The fact that this annoys you indicates that there is some disconnect between what you really want and where you’re going in order to get it. I think that we can all agree that going to the state fair and expecting Gordon Ramsey to show up and tell you why your dish sucks is just…not going to happen. Even more, it’s something that shouldn’t happen. What if you were at the state fair to raise money for charity? No well meaning person is going to tell you that your food sucks and that you should do better and if they do, they don’t mean you well.

So, rather than get hung up on the “don’t say anything negative” attitude in fandom (which, I may add, is there and has been cultivated for a reason), take another look at your audience and your expectations. If you want criticism that is helpful and of good quality, go to an editor or join a writing group. If you want to give criticism, find someone to beta for where you can cultivate a relationship that is mutually beneficial. Don’t be a Gordon Ramsey walking around at the charity fair of home baked goods giving tips to the local families trying to raise funds to repair their schools. Be conscious of the fact that people write for different reasons, and that while some may be okay with great advice being shouted at them, for others, it is a nightmare. Be kind and don’t show up at the wrong party.

2. “i loved your fic but i’m curious as to why character didn’t do [x] since it seems a little inconsistent…” or “loved it! just wanted to point out a couple small inaccuracies that most people won’t notice but since i work in this field…”

I understand where you’re coming from, Anon, and the two examples you mentioned evoke an important point of why it is so difficult to give criticism online. Your questions attempt to illustrate how one might leave a comment that shows that the reader was paying attention and thinking about your writing, and from your ask, I can only assume that you would be thrilled to personally receive either of those comments. To assume that others would be similarly thrilled, however, is fallacious and a dangerous assumption. What works for you, may be hurtful to others. You pointing out “a couple [of] small inaccuracies” may be you being genuinely helpful, but to the author, it may come off as a reader assuming that they didn’t do their research, a reader being a know-it-all, or a reader missing the forest for the trees, especially if this is your one and only comment in a long multi-chaptered work.

Of course, things get even more nuanced when we consider context. Your comment about inaccuracies may be the best thing ever if the author specifically asked for guidance on this matter, or if you have a long standing relationship with this author and somehow commenting in ao3 is the way you beta for each other, or maybe this small inaccuracy is actually a big inaccuracy and you’re just trying to be super tactful about it… I could go on an on and on about it, but how you say things is often just as important as what you say, and in writing, where we do not have the benefit of verbal and visual cues, expressing what you mean becomes even more complicated.

Which is another reason why “don’t say anything negative” is the default. It’s harder to ruin someone’s day with only positive statements, especially when you don’t have the time or platform to really explain yourself and have a meaningful conversation with the author. This Anon’s view on concrit is worth pondering. If you don’t understand or agree with this sentiment, then the conversation we should be having is not “why doesn’t anyone leave concrit” but rather “what is concrit?” 

3. i’ve run across quite a few writers who will criticise any criticism or less-than-effusive comments, and it just really, really annoys me.

Going back to expectations and audiences; remember which party you’re going to. Also, what may seem like just a less-than-effusive comment to you, an outsider who stumbled upon this one comment thread, may actually be a long antagonistic war of words between author and commenter spanning many years, fandoms, and fics. I don’t know. It could happen. Maybe you just have a higher tolerance of trolls and criticism than the rest of us.

It’s certainly happened to me and Rose here on the LLF blog. Either we read the same ask differently or just have different reactions and ways of responding to things that tick us off. Even if we have a shared goal and have known each other for awhile, we’re both different people. It’s not reasonable for me to try to change Rose’s responses to match my own exactly. Just because you care about fanfiction so much doesn’t mean that everyone else does or should as well. If this is something that really truly annoys you and you are trying to see both sides of this issue, I think that you’re on the right track and want to encourage you to keep learning and thinking about it.

4. it isn’t taken as seriously as original fic, i really think this culture of “don’t engage unless you only have good things to say” is one of the reasons it just isn’t taken seriously.

I am not a literary expert, and cannot really opine on how fanfiction is viewed by traditional literature or whether a fantasy AU is better/worse than a published fantasy book or how they relate to the writings of Homer. I also am not sure what you mean by fanfiction not being taken “as seriously as original fic.” Certainly you take it seriously. I take it seriously enough to spend my free time on it, and I take fandom seriously enough that I am spending time I could be using to write fanfiction to help run this blog. If you mean that publishing houses will not pay any attention to a fanfiction story, I would agree because why would they? Fanfiction is, by definition, derived from original fiction. Publishing houses are after new and original content because copyright is a real thing.

Even then, let’s look at Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s Twilight fan fiction. Is it taken more seriously than Twilight? Why or why not? How does it compare to Harry Potter, or Pride or Prejudice? Reading and writing are such personal experiences that I hesitate to say that one piece of writing is inherently better than the other. Hence, I do not think that fan fiction’s audience who “don’t engage unless you only have good things to say” is a problem. To me, that’s like saying “anime isn’t as good as non-anime cartoons because people who watch anime don’t speak English.”

5. not saying that you should just point out all the flaws, but some polite, helpful concrit or probing questions in addition to praise…

Yes, agreed; and if this is what the author has asked for, please go ahead! However, please also remember that not everyone knows how to ask probing questions, give helpful concrit, or even be polite. Sometimes, they aren’t even trying to be rude. It just comes off as such. Maybe the commenter is having a bad day and can’t word right. Maybe the author is having a bad day and can’t read anything without their own personal negative bias clouding their perceptions.

It’s one of the things that we are trying to address at LLF so that these barriers are lower. It’s one of the reasons why some things (native comment templates) just will not work for AO3, because tone is hard to convey, nevermind that your audience probably numbers in the millions, each with their own personal biases and understanding of language. We know that even with giving kudos, people mean different things. Think about how difficult it is to convey sarcasm in writing. AO3 already receives flack for their kudos message, which is the way it is because can you come up with something better that will not tick off anyone? Maybe people want to be polite, maybe they want to be helpful, maybe they just don’t know how. We’re trying to change that and trying to give people the tools to help them comment: LLF Comment Builder, LLF Comment Project, in-line commenting (these tools are mostly focused on how to give positive comments because from the feedback we’ve gotten, people have a hard enough time doing that as is.)

But hey, if you want something for concrit or how to ask probing questions, don’t wait for us. Look up a good guide and reblog it. Encourage your followers to ask you questions about your writing. Write your own guide to commenting. Go. Be the change you want to see.

6. do you guys have any posts like this

So, after all that, LLF may not be the blog for you if you are interested in hearing as many opinions as possible about this topic. However, I would highly encourage you to check out @ao3commentoftheday, which has already hosted quite a few asks about this:

sometimes-i-dont-comment-because-im-a

actually-i-have-a-question-about-commenting

do-writers-like-constructive-criticism-in-reviews

about-the-leaving-only-glowing-praise-comments

about-concrit-i-dont-explicitly-discourage-it

its-not-about-wanting-concrit-its-about-wanting

1-with-concrit-i-think-the-question-is-not

Don’t forget to check the notes on those threads!

#llf asks #longlivefeedback #concrit

[survivorsunsetrodeo]

Ep 9 | I’d Rather Make Moves When I Need To - Emma

Okay, I am so sad Brandi is gone, but at the same time, it's not the worst thing for my game.  The good part of it is that we tried to make a move on Emma, we flushed an idol, and we weren't detected. I think this twist is actually super helpful in these moments because if you try something, and it fails, no one knows unless it gets leaked.

Another good thing is that Taylor's closest ally is now gone. I know that Taylor is super close with Ari, which is good, but I also want her to be super close with me. Not just for strategy reasons. She's also super cool and I like talking to her! Apparently she did tell JABARI of all people the vote was on Emma, so no wonder they knew how to idol tonight lmao.

Idk I feel pretty okay about my position in the game playing the middle rn I just need to not spread myself too thin and keep the targets in front of me. 

Soooo Tribal went off without a single hitch. brandi went home despite playing both of her advantages and Jacob wasn’t even near getting voted out. The main clownery of the night happened right after tribal. Ali started going on about how he felt like Brandi didn’t deserve to go home, when there were people currently in the game who didn’t care. If you think she deserved to stay, maybe you should’ve given her your immunity? Or better yet, volunteered to go home? And while we’re on the topic of who cares, haven’t you either flopped in or just not submitted in multiple challenges? Since I was still on the tribal call, I asked him who he was talking about, even though I kind of had a good idea of who it was already. He said Emma. and since Emma wasn’t there, we are aligned, and I know she was going through some things, I felt the need to stick up for her. I found it pretty disrespectful that Ali would say that so it did make me a bit mad. I of course alerted Emma right after it happened because I feel like she deserve to know, and she confronted Ali about it in the call after tribal. I’m sure everyone knows Emma and I are working together now, but I couldn’t let her be dragged through the mud like that. I’m really worried Ali and Taylor, who I know are aligned, will try to target me now. I understand where Ali was coming from though. I’m also a person who is driven by my emotions and I tend to say stuff without thinking about it first.

WELL all things considered that vote went pretty alright! i didn't manage to mist emma into using an idol for jacob so they could get blindsided, but other than that, things worked out pretty much how i hoped. jacob was saved, an idol (and lots of money) was flushed, and i can plausibly tell both sides that i voted with them even tho actually i voted ali for insurance purposes >:~) also we got major info about the location of the other idol when brandi didn't play it and it didn't go back into the shop, i.e. jabari MUST have it because there's no other possible place it could be. i know none of my people have it, and nic was so convinced that me/jacob did that i have to believe none of that group have it either, which leaves little old jabari who's been asking soooo many questions about everyone's funds and where items could possibly be. color me a little shocked but honestly kudos to her! now she gets to stay alive another round since that gun is an idol again.

other shop updates are that taylor's gonna buy something next round and so is dan probably, which will be great for getting them out of other people's hands and knowing for sure where they are. i can't believe i own shares in 2 of the 3 items currently in the game, how cute of me honestly. everyone else is now broke so that's delightful, i prob should've extorted myself for even more money so they'd think i was fully broke too but ah well what can you do.

i am a little worried about how ali's antics last night could potentially reflect back on me this round but i think i've done a pretty good job of covering my tracks there - i talked to both nic and emma immediately after and was like yeah i don't condone that behavior, and josh knows i wanted ali out over jacob because i got him to throw a vote that way with me, and obviously none of taylor/dan/jacob are gonna let me get targeted for that either sooooo i think i'm all good. once again, jabari is a wild card but i think i trust her a little more after my call with her yesterday and i don't think she would have the pull to do anything anyway.

so at last i can have a day of peaceful rest while i await these awful touchy subjects results! me taylor and ali are making a music video so that'll keep me busy for a while. overall feeling very grateful and blessed to not be stressed at this current moment in time!!!

Not mr ali making me regret voting off brandi out should of been ali oh well no point in voting him out now tbh that would be a waste things i think are slowly getting better for me i am talking to jacob and ari more idk how to approach taylor because ik we on different sides but ik we may or may not need eachother soon i feel so bad about brandi she was probably the nicest person here i said this about megs but brandi for second chances.. Yeah i just need to think of something that will seperate my gameplay from josh and nic if im stuck with them eventually that means i could get myself voted off its hard to like make moves rn but i rather make moves when i need to make moves.

also maybe ali should of put his immunity on brandi and not ari >:)

i also hope i break the record for most wasted idols im coming for that record im also so nervous about the future of the game i dont wanna just follow ppl around but like i kinda fucked myself over due to reasons out of my control oop

I just sent my nightly hellos to people and that’s already too much social interaction for me

I’m already fricken paranoid about this round and we haven’t even gotten immunity results ugh. I think it’s because I know I flipped that mastermind comp. like I really could have done much better than I did.

Additionally everyone was so quiet today so I’m just assuming everyone hates me and wants me to die. 

am i playing a good utr game or do people just forget i exist? i've got a lot of good (but conflicting) info from Dan and Taylor and I want to sit down and compare notes with Ari BUT WHERE ARE THEY you can't expect me to remember all this by tomorrow. I feel like I have somewhat of a good relationship with everyone aside from Ali and Jabari and I feel like I've gotten a few info that I find personally relevant moving forward but I need someone to compare this with. I think I'm playing a much more smarter game than before.

[Tumblr Survivor Riau reference] I feel like I was in a position like this before where I had the opportunity to play a good game being in the middle but fucked it up and sent one of my allies home because I was vetoed by my actual alliance [end Tumblr Survivor reference] so I'm doing the same thing this time around but keeping my sources a secret. The only person I am 100% honest is Ari and I hope it's mutual. I obviously can't take Ari with me to FTC but what I need the most are honest opinions and legit information and i think both of us are providing just that with each other.

ali needs to stop saying dumb shit to nic because it ALWAYS gets back to dan and i have to be like "omg lol im sure he didnt mean that" while running to ali and being like "hushhhhhh"

anyway i think the best thing i can do today is sit back and let everyone else tire themselves out scrambling and stressing!! it'll all resolve itself eventually and if it doesnt then oh well

I wasn't going to be making a confessional because I didn't wanna get an OTTN5 edit and also I felt like it was obvious I was going home and I had nothing to really say. There is a tiny bit of hope now, and it lies with Jabari and Dan. If everyone is telling me the truth, I will be staying. And if I do, I'd love to create a 5-person majority alliance with me, Dan, Jabari, Emma, and Josh. It'd honestly be perfect. I really like them all and am comfortable with them all.

If I go home, I wont be mad or anything, I'll just be sad that I didn't really come across the way I had hoped to in this ORG. I feel like a lot of things didn't come across correctly, and a lot of things were just pinned on me that were outside of my control.

Oh well. Let me remain positive. This is me being positive :] (Also I'm forever thankful for having Josh and Emma as allies without them I would've gone crazy by now. Thank you for everything you do.)

Power Rankings: ONE - DAN (+2) Threat: 8 (+2) Trust: 8 (+3) Dan’s at the top of the rankings this week because he’s in the position that I wish I were in. Despite losing Brandi, who was Dan’s #1 idled out by the minority alliance, he still was approached by the minority to vote with them. He knows each plan and he can decide whether he wants to flip or not. He decides who goes home this round. TWO - ARI (-1) Threat: 10 (+1) Trust: 9 (+1) Ari ranks #2 because they know everything that’s going on and they know it first. They’re the first to hear about any messiness or change to a plan. They aren’t included in it necessarily, but they hear about it. Ari’s threat level though is through the roof and hiding behind them as a meat shield is going to be key for my game. They should want to take a shot at Ari before me, and I plan to keep it that way. THREE - TAYLOR (-1) Threat: 7 (NC) Im starting to lose grasp and hold on my power as more of my allies leave. If the minority perception and gameplay wasn’t so awful I would have a lot more control over what goes on this round. Its just bad survivor gameplay to assume someone would never work with you because you voted their allies out. Because what they fail to see is that regardless of if im included in their plans or not, I still find out. I had 3 different people approach me that me name was out as I woke up at 9am this morning. It shows I have control, I just wish they’d include me so I had the power to deal with it rather than relying on others. FOUR - JABARI (+3) Threat: 3 (+1) Trust: 2 (-2) Jabari is here because she seems to want to give the minority.a chance. I don’t really understand her logic because regardless she’s at the bottom of an alliance. The one round where the majority wanted to count on her to prove she’s with us, she jumps. And she doesn’t even know that she’s completely fucking her game because of it. On top of that every suspects she has an idol. She only ranks 4 because of the information she is receiving, but she’s no threat because her gameplay is poor and everyone believes the rumour of her having an idol. FIVE - JACOB (+1) Threat: 7 (+1) Trust: 8 (NC) Jacob does know what each side is going to do, but unfortunately hes always the last to find out. Im not sure if its because of how late he sleeps in, or if hes everyones last resort but either way it’s not good for his power ranking. Jacob’s smart, hes going to be seen as an immunity threat sooner rather than later. SIX - NIC (+3) Threat: 3 (+1) Trust: 0 (NC) Nic is in 6th because hes the only one trying to steer a vote on the other side. He isn’t doing it successfully, but hes trying. If only he could put as much effort into challenges and he would trying to get people to save him. I dont trust him at all, he threw my name out. He has a little influence over Jabari, but that’s not too big of a success. SEVEN - ALI (-2) 
Threat: 1 (-2) Trust: 9 (-1) Ali unfortunately just doesn’t have the power he needs to get himself out of situations like he is in this round. When the name was between Ali and I it should have easily landed on me. But Ali doesn’t have the social capital that I do, which is why I had multiple people tell that side “lets do Ali over Taylor”. Not to mention Ali made a hugeeee mistake buying the dress for literally no reason. But I trust him I guess? EIGHT - JOSH (NC) Threat: 4 (+2) Trust: 5 (+2) Im starting to see a little fire with josh come out this round and im happy. Hes not willing to do anything about it, but the gears are turning in his head. I think our relationship will be important down the line but as of now he has no power and just follows everything Nic says. NINE - EMMA (NC) Threat: 0 (NC) Trust: 0 (NC) I literally don’t have anything to say about Emma. She doesn’t talk, doesn’t do the challenge, doesn’t care. Not worth my time.

I feel like im not winning this game unless if nic goes and josh goes right after idk im feeling a bit bad how im playing i was planning to go balls to the wall but like i find it really hard to do that when i am a known goat for something i could not control i try hard to change what people to see but idk how to do it anymore im totally not gonna stab josh and nic in the back at this point i just cant write their names down.

This vote is for all of the victims of the people that nic has voted off, nic is going home I know of it. All he's been doing has been working against me and for that ciao Bella 

GOD. What a day. I was pulled back and forth about this vote by both sides and this vote.

Ari/Jacob/Ali/Taylor want me to vote Nic Jabari/Nic/Josh/Emma want me to vote Ali

Neither option is ✨great✨ for my game. But we can’t vote out Jabari for personal reasons so here we are.

I’m worried about idols and such, but at the end of the day, I can’t get too in my head. If the idol comes out as long as they don’t end up voting for me instead of Ali... we’re good!

I’m voting for Nic because I don’t fuck with people who try to make you feel like you’re gonna lose if you don’t roll with them.  Even on OG Pearl he didn’t take a ton of time to get to know me and even now all he wants to do is talk game. In comparison, TSL has known me two rounds and I know so much about her.

Obviously voting out ANOTHER OG Pearl probably isn’t wise, but at the end of the day, New Pearl and OG Beeho seem to be the people I bond with the most and trust the most. And I might be dumb, but I am enjoying their company and would be proud losing to any of them. 

#confessionals #AintNoGloryInTheWest

[stormyth-art]

tagged back by @suitcasesoffeathers​!!! (I’m also gonna answer my own questions in this post for @pilotpig​, thank you for being curious!! Haha

Also, sorry for all the long posts lately!!! (I just found out about the keep reading button so I’ll use that from now on!!!

1. If you could meet any fictional character in real life, who would it be and why? 

hmmm, maybe Hermione Granger? Since she could teach me all sorts of stuff about magic and tell me things that happened during the books that Harry was too oblivious of to notice. XD Hermione seems like she’d be more perceptive than him. 

2. If you could magically teleport anywhere (to a real location or fictional location), where would that be and why?

oooh, that’s fun, I’d go to Hogwarts for sure!! That would be so fun!!!

3. If you were in control of the world for a day, what would you do?

maybe just fire Trump and what’s his face vice president guy. lol, I think that’s the only thing I could do and not be scared of the repercussions. 

4. What’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

I’ve had so many weird dreams lol. There is one in particular that was this whole story thing going on, but it would take too long to write the whole thing, so I’ll tell you my favourite part. So, there was this servant boy and he and the princess fell in love and blah blah blah, but eventually he took her to visit his parents in his village. He lived in this rock thing and inside everything was saran wrapped. Th counters, the couches, everything (apparently this was for easy cleanup). So eventually this bell sounded (like a warning bell in medieval times) and that meant everyone had to go and steal food from each other and it was only legal between the first and second bell. The servant guy went off to steal food and everyone was beating each other up and it was terrible and then suddenly servant dude comes rolling down this hill (the village was on a slope) on top of a giant armadillo. He just rolled the armadillo into a convenient sized hole next to his house and claimed the armadillo as his own. (I found it funny when I think about it, but typing it up sounds weird....but I guess that’s the point lol)

5. What do you do when you’re bored?

I usually just complain that I’m bored then rewatch videos I’ve already seen or watch old shows I used to like, or I’ll draw.But lately I’ve been sucked into those top 10 scary videos lol.

6. What’s the dumbest injury you’ve ever gotten? (could be from cuts/scrapes to broken limbs, etc.)

When I was maybe 7 or 8 I was playing a video game with my siblings. It was this super weird racing game on the N64 and I was really into it for some reason, and every time I made a turn I would lean my body in that direction. I was sitting on a wooden stool while playing so the stool would lean too and eventually it just toppled to one side and my head landed right into a stone fire place. It was not fun lol, I still have a scar right next to my temple.

7. Do you have anyone that you really admire/aspire to be like one day? If so, who?

hmmm, I think my parents. A combination of the two. lol, that’s kind of a boring answer but it’s true.

8. Is something that you really treasure that other people may think is dumb?

ohh, there’s this stick I have. lol, I found a stick in the woods when I was 8 and it was the perfect walking stick with a thumb hold and everything. I loved that stick and brought it with me to school sometimes. And when we moved houses I brought it with and I still have that stick in my room and I’ll probably never throw it away at this point. I don’t know why I like it so much. XD

9. What are some positive personality traits that you believe/other people say you have? (no need to be modest ;))

lol, mmm, my parents say I’m creative. My dad says I’m really, thoughtful and have interesting insight about different topics (which I disagree with lol). I’ve been told I’m empathetic and kind and all those things too haha.And every once in awhile I get that I’m funny. (which is cool since I’ve always loved making people laugh and making others happy is what I always strive to do)

10. What style do you usually sport clothes-wise?

mmm, that depends. I love dresses and skirts and girly clothes, but I also love the simple jeans and graphic t-shirt. and then there are days wear I just want to look all boyish and wear baggy pants and oversize shirts. My style is pretty non-existent haha.

11. If you could have a mountain of any food right now, what would it be?

lol! uhh chocolate probably, haha I’m always craving chocolate. I wouldn’t eat an entire mountain of it in one sitting of course though, but it would be nice to have a stash whenever I want some! XD

my own questions:

1. Are there any new hobbies or new skills you want to try/learn?

I’d like to learn violin again as well as get back into photography!

2. Do you believe in anything supernatural? (if you have stories please share, I find them fun to read)

I do lol, it seems no one I tagged does though, which is understandable. I believe in ghosts and aliens (though there is no doubt in my mind aliens exist, I don’t believe any have come to earth. The universe is just so huge there has to be another planet with life on it) I sadly don’t have any stories though.

3. What’s your favourite historical era and why?

I LOVE medieval times. The atmosphere is super cool and it was always my favourite unit in history class in grade school (in highschool when I took an ancient history course we didn’t have time for that unit and it made me mad lol) But I just love history in general so much! It’s so cool to learn about and talk about!! (This is why I’m going to write a time traveling story, since I get to do research about different era’s for it!)

4. What is one of the strangest conversations you’ve ever had?

hmm, this was like, weird for a couple reasons. This was waay back when I was in 9th grade and my friend was in 8th, so I’d go to her school after my school was done and wait for her sometimes. So at one point I was waiting in front of her class and this boy (who I’ve spoken to many times before and he was always fine then) Started asking me “do you like fairy of tails?” over and over and I was so confused what he meant so I asked him “sorry, fairy, of tails????” and he just....rolled away lol. The entire conversations he was rolling around on the walls, flip flopping from one to the other in the hall and then just rolled into his class room.

I later realized he meant the anime fairy tail, which he already knew I liked and cosplayed from so....idk what was going on with him that day. XD

5. Any inside jokes (not with me, just in general)?

‘Imagine this!’ *pretends to open cupboard*  (this one is with rieko lol, it would make no sense to anyone but us) 

6. What quote do you say the most?

the wombo quote from spongebob as well as various other spongebob quotes.

 ‘HE WAS THEIR FRIEND! AND HE BETRAYED THEM!...HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!!!’ from harry potter, I say that all the time lol

7. If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?

teleportation since that would be so convenient and I could go all over the world for significantly cheaper.

8. Favourite British drama, Korean drama and/or American drama?

British drama: ‘Merlin’

Korean Drama: ‘Good Doctor’ or ‘Hello My Twenties’

American drama: if ‘Stranger Things’ counts then that, if not ‘Once Upon a Time’, the older seasons.

9. Have you ever been in a situation that felt like you were in a movie?

All the time lol. I feel really surreal a lot. There was one time where me and my friend were walking at this park that had a farm on one side and forest with swings and slides and all that on the other (it wasn’t a super dense forest or anything, it was pretty open). We were walking at night and as the forest area came in view we saw a ton of lanterns lighting it up, some were on the ground and some were in the trees. It was weird because the day before there was nothing there. I promptly decided to do what anyone would do and force my friend to go into the forest of lanterns with me. My memories are all mixed up because for some reason I remember it being pitch black in the forest even though there were lanterns.....but anyways, eventually I saw a flashlight, I couldn’t see who was holding it but I could tell someone was coming towards us. I looked at my friend who desperately wanted to leave and I for some reason was feeling brave and wanted to talk to the person (I have no idea what compelled me to, I normally am not like that) When I turned back there was a second flashlight and then my bravery just drained and me and my friend just ran out of there. Next to the forest on the exit we took was a school so we stood in front of the school and then we heard a little girls voice say ‘what are you doing?’ and my friend screamed at the top of her lungs and scared the poor kid who went back inside the school and I laughed so hard and then we went home. lol, it felt like a horror movie but at the same time it was so fun! oh, and then the next day we went back and almost all the lanterns were gone.

10. Any funny things you did as a kid?

I also had elaborate plots for my toys. And I thought grilled cheese was girl cheese and only girls could eat it. I also truly believes ‘stupid’ was the s word. lol. Oh, and I had an obsession with toads when I was little and there were a ton in my neighborhood at the time so I would catch toads a lot.

11. Something you’re looking forward to?

when rieko is less busy and we can hang out and film and all that again lol. (even though was just went skating last week XD)  Also, I’m looking forward to the distant future when I have money and can pay to go to upcoming cons!!

[herotheshiro]

so in abt 2017-18, i came across this manga called sneaky red by thanat. most of the 1st volume, translated, got posted online but i knew there was a continuation. while i don’t remember too much specifics abt my reaction to it then, i distinctly remember being affected by it and by that i mean ... liking it. i remember that i had the feeling of wanting to read the 2nd volume and even a year ago (almost the date!) on this very blog i noted that i “wanna read all of [their] works so bad” and at this point i had only ever read sneaky red so going off of that, i liked it apparently.

fast forward 2-3 years to tonight, where i finally forced myself to finish reading the series since the free month-long futekiya trial is ending soon. and well ... i thought i would be satisfied afterwards since i’ve wanted to finish reading this series for literal years but all i felt was ... disappointment. i’ve had the futekiya subscription for abt 1/2 a month already but i’ve been putting off reading sneaky red bc i mean i’ve read the 1st volume, i knew it was abt abuse pretty much and i wasn’t really into reading something so depressing (i had to reread the 1st volume in this read bc i legit have not touched the manga since whenever i read it last). and ... yeah it is a downer to read with little positive payoff. [putting under cut bc WOW this got long]

let’s get this straight, my perception of what this author is trying to do is this: two guys meet, one of them (A) has anger/emotion management issues and is quick to react with his fists and the other one (B) just so happens to get off at pain (...no further comment at this) ... which is coincidentally a “nice” set-up but A wants to turn over a new leaf bc eventually he feels bad whaling on B all the time ... except suddenly turning over a new leaf when you’ve been living and thinking a certain way for almost two entire decades is not that easy. which alright tl;dr, an abuser/someone quick to physical violence trying to reform. a rather heavy topic to tackle for your debut work ... and unfortunately i don’t think this author really succeeds in doing so. 1st volume was written in 2013 and is their debut work and it definitely feels like a new author work ... the story developments are kind of unclear at times and misaki (i think that was his name?) just accepting getting beaten up by a rando is just so incredibly sad to read bc like ... wtf? i cannot figure out how they came to love each other. i mean haru i can kind of see bc they kind of implied that misaki was one of the 1st ppl to have hope in him even though he himself felt like he was a lost cause, but misaki i just have no fucking idea what happened there. like lust turning into love? idk man falling in love from physical abuse frankly makes no fucking sense esp since it’s not even implied that misaki has low self-esteem or something that would make him accept this treatment. i legitimately would like to go back in time to meet me from 2-3 years and ask them what the fucking hell made me like this manga bc it’s messed up and the topics aren’t even handled that well! this is truly a manga that somehow depicts abuse as being shitty but also romanticizes it somehow?? even though i legit just read it a few hours ago i’m starting to mix up what happened in vol 1 and 2 so let’s just move on to vol 2 now.

vol 2 was definitely more put together in terms of story progression than vol 1 (i mean, being done 3 yrs later i would hope so). i did like it a bit more than vol 1 and there were some cute scenes bw misaki and haru but ... the scenes where misaki still went to see haru even after some seriously messed up scenes being like ‘i still love you’ ... really rubbed me the wrong way bc it kind of felt like a ‘you can heal abusive behavior through love’. i mean yes haru acknowledged his behavior and treatment of misaki was absolute shit and that he’d try to change, but also that ch where they kind of just substituted bdsm as a more socially acceptable way for haru to hit/hurt misaki during sex? BRO THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS !! i mean there were some scenes that felt realistic (misaki instinctively defending himself when haru raised his hand) but at the same time it also felt like the author didn’t really know what they were doing. like i get it, haru is supposed to be a nice person who just so happens to react badly to things but ... these kinds of things you kind of legit need professional help for. simply learning to depend more on friends/SOs, completely cutting out your toxic fam from your life... that kind of stuff is not really enough to help you heal. i mean this is a japanese manga, and ik east asian culture has ... thoughts on mental health care but the way the story was presented just didn’t feel realistic at all. yes they did show haru struggling to hold his emotions in check, i did like the scenes where haru was in his own head and saw his brother berating him for his behavior, and i do appreciate they didn’t merely just 180 change his personality and pretend it was easy to change for the better but ... idk. i just simply did not enjoy reading this story and about this relationship, i felt like their issues never really got resolved or are moving in a more constructive direction. i mean i guess this happens irl (bc ppl do stay in abusive relationships despite how bad it gets) but like i just had no fucking idea what misaki even saw in haru in the first place which sounds mean to haru but it’s true ?? like you gotta be attracted to SOMETHING first right, is it just bc he’s nice sometimes (this is worrying bc i’m someone who is weak to ppl simply being nice to me but also bruh if someone is beating my ass idk if i can be attracted to that) ?? it legit at times reminded me of bj alex which is an extremely unfortunate comparison in my book and you know what i just remembered that misaki was attracted to haru partly bc of his looks so uh yeah the comparison holds up.

i don’t even know if i can say i’m glad i read through these 2 volumes of sneaky red. apparently a 3rd volume is getting published next month and i’m like WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT ?? i saw a graphic of the side pairing (story covered in motion emotion) on the back cover which i got a lil excited abt bc i am intrigued by that pairing but like ... what else is there to talk abt re: sneaky red’s pairing. they’ve gotten together, they’re growing up and dealing with adult worries (jobs), and they’re moving in a more “positive” direction with their relationship (i.e., haru is opening up more to misaki) while attempting to hurdle the lingering issue of haru’s abuse -- what else is there to cover ... i think this artist really likes this couple which like makes sense for them since they’re their first published OCs but it’s prob just gonna be more senseless writing. the translated caption was like ‘the sequel of the famous debut work is here!’ and i’m like sneaky red is popular? this very unclearly written thing? but then again ppl liked k!lling st@alking and some of harada’s works that are OUT THERE are popular so i guess the fetish for abuse/hurt is strong ...

i didn’t really say anything coherent in this post bc deadass i don’t even remember what the fuck i read even though i read this manga like mere hrs ago which goes to show how much of an impact the story had on me (hint none). abuser stories are usually pretty hit or miss stories i feel, although tbh i don’t think i’ve ever read a hit story because the abuse is usually romanticized or somehow resolved without any issue which is frankly unrealistic and kind of dangerous to be telling people. i admit i don’t have personal experience with abuse (thankfully) so i guess i can’t really say stuff abt how realistic it is or not but ... just very disappointed with the story. i am still struggling to figure out what i liked abt this manga so much back then. i do like the art style a lot bc it’s unique compared to what you see in other BLs but the author’s writing is just very unclear sometimes ... it’s definitely improved since 2013 but ... hah. it was not really an enjoyable read. i legit wanted to stop reading at times but i’ve wanted to finish it for so long so i pushed on ... maybe i should reread so i can more definitively say what exactly i disliked but i don’t wanna read this again.

#sometimes i look at how long my posts are and i'm like there are ppl out there who READ all of this? #like i mean I'M forced to as the writer but ... far too many words. but i got a lot of things to say sometimes even though i'm prob repeatin #i used to tag the author but ik they have a tumblr and idk if i want them to see my posts bashing them lol #esp since i don't say anything constructive #i mean... i didn't censor their name though. yike #reading

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Appointment  Update 24/07/17  (TW)

- As usual I have my bloods taken (I used to be terrified of needles but now, after having so many bloods test over the years, I walk in and put out both arms up for offering and it doesnt phase me in the slightest) as well as an ECG done by L (it was the other L this time as the usual lady I see was on annual leave) before I went in to see S. Not much usually comes up however today my ECG showed an extended QTc interval, which was a bit odd but they didn’t talk to me much about it *shrugs shoulders* so it must be okay.

- S had a student nurse in again (same one as he has had for a while now, and she is lovely) which meant that I had his full attention for the session as she was typing (which was such a nice change) - Obs were okay, weight was up of course (it’s been a month since I saw him last), and other bits were fine, just my heart rate being high but that is typical for me at appointments, I think its anxiety (pre-ED I had an extremely low resting heart rate so it does make me worry a bit but everything seems consistent so that’s what matters most). And S commented that they were beginning to see a slight improvement in my obs, not much, but that it was a good thing. - Mood has been up and down over the past month (it was hard to think about a month so we discussed the last two weeks) but that’s kind of usual for me to fluctuate on the low end and not really reach much of a ‘normal’ mood.  - We talked a lot about anxiety, as I have been very on edge recently. This led to talk about home life at the moment. This is not something I often talk about or mention on here (or to anyone really), but my home environment is quite idk hard(?) and as I spoke to S he became increasingly worried that it is having a negative effect on my mental wellbeing and recovery...to me it is normal but I suppose anything becomes normal if you don’t know any different... - It is mainly to do with dad; I don’t want to go into it too much as it is very raw and hard to talk about especially as I end up protecting them, but to put it shortly dad has suffered from depression for longer than I have been alive, although he will never admit it. He is also a ‘chronic drinker’ and has been for longer than mum has known him (they have been married nearly 30 years(?)). I have never known him to be drunk however S reassured me that just because he is never drunk does not mean that there is not a problem. We talked a bit about chronic alcoholics and it was like he ticked all of the boxes (mainly talked about the psychological sides); the losing of personality/numbing of emotions, not being ‘there’, body being able to tolerate a lot of alcohol without him getting ‘drunk’, making pre-existing sensitivities heightened (e.g. his depression), emotionally vacant and so on...and there is a very very tense atmosphere at home 24/7 and its like walking on egg shells and we are not allowed to do x or y or z...he is older than a lot of parents of people my age, which is what I have always put it down to (he turns 71 at the end of this week) but I am starting to think that maybe it isn’t the age thing... - One area that this is really effecting me is at dinner in the evenings, and its not just the food, it is the things that happen around this time and that make the situation even harder to deal with. S has talked to me about a few possible ways around this, but we shall see as I don’t think that any of it is possible but I will at least try to breech the subject with mum. - Other than that we talked a bit about weight gain as I have been finding it increasingly mentally distressing as it continues to creep up.(TW) I have now gained over 8kg and I am still not even half way to weight restoration and it is getting me down massively. I hate this and I just want it over with and not to have to gain more. I am having to throw out clothes, deal with changes in my face/body and it’s hard. He was helpful with this and it didn’t help to talk it out and at least tap into some of my rational brain. He said that yes I look different now but that that is because I no longer look like I am about to die, and apparently I still look unwell but I honestly can’t see that in the slightest. But yep, not letting it get me down. And as he reminded me the whole perception thing takes a long time to catch up with neural pathways etc so I just have to keep riding this wave. - S said that there was something on his agenda that he wanted to bring up (we had already touched on the fact that I am set on Uni this year) and it was that he wanted to discuss/begin to touch on the subject of ‘when do we call it’ in regards to leaving Bristol if I am relapsing. This was a really really hard conversation to have and I know it has to be mentioned and talked about, however I felt the way it was talked through was quite, idk, hurtful? I know anorexia will likely be twisting it but it sounded like they almost expect me to have to leave again. He said that he and the team had been talking about me (woo) and that this is a discussion that needs to be had before I go and also with the team in Bristol. He basically sat and said, we need to consider what weight we would want you to be at to start September 18 and then work backwards to see what would be possible for you to gain and thus work out a bottom line where we have to call it....amongst other things. - And then we had to leave it there as my time was up...not the best of ends tbh but hey ho I had a little cry as I left and went to drown my sorrows in coffee. 

Since the appointment I have felt a bit ‘out of it’/disconnected and it’s just been hard. I had to go to Sainburys on the way home to get some bits for the week ahead and I spent far too long walking the aisles in a daze, numbers flying around my head and then got overly emotional over having to spend money as I spent quite a bit at the weekend and got the watch and was now having to buy more food (oh and I also had to fill my car up with petrol as it was nearly empty, and it’s not cheap). But I finally got home for a late late lunch, plastered a smile on my face to dad, and have been trying to get through the afternoon by completely distracting myself. Sigh. I was meant to meal plan for the week ahead earlier, however I just wasn’t up to it so I need to do that this evening as otherwise I have zero idea as to what I am having for dinners this week (I have been finding planning my main meals so helpful with variety and challenging things). This has turned into quite the ramble, as usual. I’m sorry I’m not being a bright happy bee, things just feel hard at the moment and recovery is not the first thing that my mind wants to focus on. But I will keep going, keep eating and whatever else because I need to do this regardless of how rubbish I feel. I need to prove them (and most importantly myself) wrong and that I will survive and thrive at Uni and that this is the step that I need to take in my life. It’s always mixed messages, because at the end of the session S commented on how proud he was of me (and he is not the kind of person to say this kind of thing) and that I am doing ‘bloody well’ and ‘working so hard’, and that my determination and ability to turn things around when they were literally ready to section me within the next week, is not something he has witnessed more than a handful of times in all his years working in EDs. Hard to accept, and be proud of but I am holding onto the positives that I can do right now, even if that is that I got a chocolate palm tree on my cappuccino in Costa afterwards.

#personal #tw #trigger warning #little update appointment wise #me just rambling

[gingerambition]

Ginger vs. Bumble

I’ve downloaded Bumble, and not like the first time I downloaded Bumble when I wanted it for the BFF side to watch Bachelor with someone other than my cat. I ended up getting rid of it (the app, not my cat) after a girl asked me to get coffee after we mutually complained about skinny jeans for only two minutes. Idk about you, but we have to agree on hating at least five different things before we meet up IRL. If you dislike 5 of the following then maybe we can be bestie sans testies: skinny jeans, thick ranch dressing, dick pics, sushi, Guitar Hero, movies that take place in space, guys in sweatpants, drivers that don’t use turn signals, animal adoption commercials, and women that push strollers in the road when there’s a sidewalk. 

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I still have my fingers crossed I meet someone the old fashioned way. Like I adorably rear-end his car at a red light because, silly stereotypically female me, I have poor depth perception and I suck at driving. In this scene I get out of the car all flustered and apologetic, our eyes lock, we live happily ever after, and he rear-ends me till death do us part. But that’s not real life, that’s a 90′s movie starring Freddie Prinze Jr. with a soundtrack featuring The Cranberries and Sixpence None The Richer. (Swearing and near constant radio station changing aside, I’m actually a great driver). But instead of 1996 it’s 2017, year of the rooster, which is hilarious considering our president is a cock, so these things don’t happen any more, hence Bumble. You may come across my gingerness among the sea of girls using five year old pictures from college and filling their “about me” section with booze emojis. 

I haven’t been on Bumble very long, but I’ve already learned quite a bit. For example, HOLY SHIT, the mirror selfie is alive and well. I thought that died with MySpace, it should have, but it did not. Also, if I see one more pic of a guy holding a fish or a deer I may ask to borrow his hunting rifle and just shoot myself. Pictures of dead animals do not get me going. Maybe it’s a guy’s way of showing he’s so GD masculine that he can hunt, he’s a provider, to appeal to some subconscious hunter-gatherer-era female desire. This might just be me, but my inner cavewoman would find a guy holding a $20 in front of a McDonald’s Dollar Menu, suggestively wiggling his eyes at chicken nuggets, significantly more attractive. 

Now if a guy doesn’t have a mirror or hunting pic, he has a picture of himself as a groomsmen. Love a guy in a suit, so no complaints here. Wait, one complaint  – if, from the million professional wedding pictures you’re in, you pick the one holding up your pant leg to reveal “crazy socks,” that’s fucking stupid. Left swipe. It’s just such a forced reaction. The only people that excited to see socks aren’t people, they’re house elves. 

WHY DOES EVERY GUY’S BIO INCLUDE THE WORD “OUTDOORSY.” I fucking hate that word, like I enjoy the three minute walk from my car into Nordstrom, and sometimes I look at the clouds without taking a picture, does that make me outdoorsy? Are you outdoorsy in that you have apartment roof access and a two-story beer bong, or outdoorsy in that you’re so obsessed with nature you’re trying to be on Survivor? FYI I will keep my air conditioner on until it snows, I do not do heat. Sweating is only acceptable during or after seeing a “50 Shades Darker” commercial. Also, something about guys who say they're wine drinkers makes me think their favorite position is missionary. 

Bumble is a lot like a High School graduation party. Everyone just keeps asking where you see yourself in five years, your goals, and about your family. My current about me section is, “Every time I follow my heart I end up at Taco Bell.” I am about to change it to, “Recently moved home, one sister in Chicago, parents are still together, freelance but looking to work in an entertainment related field, I like baseball, and yes I can cook.” But I’m not sure that will fit. One of the first guys I talked to opened with, “What’s your best and worst Bumble story?” To which I said, “This conversation, and also this conversation.” Then he unmatched with me.

When I was in a relationship I would “play” Bumble for my single friends. I would swipe right on guys that looked like Draco Malfoy or went to art school (out of solidarity). Needless to say they did not let me pick guys for them after that. Now that I am the one ridin’ solo (thank you Jason Derulo, I have listened to that song so many times on my “Single Bitch Anthems” Spotify playlist I may get the lyrics tattooed down my rib cage in fancy script and tell people it’s a Bible verse), I let them play Bumble for me. I ended up matching with a bunch of guys holding guitars or standing on boats with their arms out like the cover of a rap demo CD sold out of a dude’s trunk in a Kroger parking lot. 

My girlfriends said I should always swipe right on a guy that owns or has access to a boat, or any guy that attended Harvard or Yale. I don’t care if you went to Harvard, own the yacht from “Below Deck,” love Stevie Wonder or check any other perfect dude boxes – if the glass in your mirror pic is dirty, boy bye. Sack up and buy some Windex, take your elbow deep arms out of your pants, and clean. Speaking of dream man, maybe I am meant to be alone. In middle school I determined the perfect guy for me would be an Irish firefighter, Boston accent, and a borderline alcoholic that takes care of his mom. Yep, that’s what 12-year-old, Limited Too pajama pant wearing me prayed to God for each night at 8:30pm.

Not that I am having a hard time finding matches on Bumble. I mean if you make your age range 18-80+ and max out your distance range 100 miles, you too can find the single dad of your dreams, or at least attend another prom. 

#kellyannwargo #bumble #blog #gingerambition #ginger #dating #datingapps #loveandsex

[kung-fu-dennys]

July 5th, 2019

Another day in this house. My grandparent’s house, that is. The air is tense 24/7, and I’m not so sure which person to blame. I feel bad for being so down all the time, feeling so shitty, all these things. Dad seems negative most of the time, but I think it’s because he’s out of a job. Granddad’s drinking doesn’t help, but it’s only a problem in the evenings, directly before dinner and into the night. Grandma is still anxious, in general, as well as a bit nippy: the situation is not ideal. I’ll be out of it in 6 days, and in the North Country, where all the good things go. FUCKING A. It’s the day after the 4th of July. Last night really sounded like a warzone, and I was so clogged up in the brain it felt like one too. Everybody was hangin’ round and having a good time, so there was very little stress. Obviously, I was sick, but that didn’t really bother me until it was time to go to bed. Watched a show called “The Terror”; something about old British fart-men looking for the Northwest Passage. There was only one smart guy in the lot of them, who wanted desperately not to do whatever it was they were doing. You’ve gotta sympathize with a guy like that. Also watched Moonlight, making me 2 whole years late to the party. It was pretty great, although it wasn’t quite what I was expecting. I can’t articulate how, just now, but it was really good. My mans Mahershala Ali wasn’t in it nearly enough, though.  Really terrible dreams last night, no nightmares, but bad. I only remember something about being in a metro, along with Uncle Andrew, dad, and granddad. Granddad was drunk, but he was being cruel. Dad went somewhere while we waited for a train. Andrew and I got in a shouting match with granddad, and it culminated in a fist fight. He was trying to hold me down with his left foot, while simultaneously punching at Andrew. He called me “motherfucker”, which was wildly uncharacteristic. I don’t remember if my old crush showed up or not, but she shows up in my dreams too much already, so I’m grateful for that.  I walked outside a little bit ago, saw the scattered remnants of the fireworks we were lighting off. I poured some water from a bottle onto the wooden stand, and it stayed in place, one quicksilver puddle. I thought it was funny how the water stayed still and stagnant, and I got to thinking about the nature of the Universe. Dimensional shit posits that we are only experiencing a fraction of the whole picture, and if that’s the case, maybe our perceptions around whole numbers and whole ratios are similar. The reason I thought of that is this: I poured the water onto a pretty even surface, and it went nowhere. That’s all well and good, but I know I’ve had the experience wherein I pour liquid onto a “flat” surface, and it spilled all over the place. I don’t know, I’m sick, so I don’t think this makes a lot of sense, but either way, I got to thinking: what if our perceptions of “even” and “flat” are just weirdo approximations we’re forced to because it’s the deepest we can observe?  So like, let’s say we consider “flat” to have 0° arc, or whatever the fuck. That’s pretty well understood by the vast majority of mathematically literate people, but let’s just say we have five tables, all at 0°, and test this theory. We pour with the same velocity, okay??? One of the tables keeps the water flat, while the other four spill it every which way. On closer, closer closer inspection, we find that none of them are really flat. There are insane, tiny, ridiculously minute differences from the “good” table to the other four “bad: tables - talking like, 0.0000156452 vs 0.007327. As humans, we don’t perceive these differences, but higher beings on higher vibration frequencies (or some other crackpot theory talk) can tell them apart easily. This would extend, naturally, to music, as well as like, everything. Humans hear tritones a certain way because they’re at a dissonant ratio set (square root of two or something???), but a higher being might appreciate the nuance of such a sound. IDK breh, I am tired and sick.  That’s all I had to say on that matter. >;9