#idk if she would but she was already ripping the bandaid off with other things way quicker than i would've liked... but yeah | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ironwoodcollective · 8 months

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🎵 Prefacing this by saying this isn't aimed at anyone, it's simply an observation. I see so many systems who claim to be more valid than others due to having a diagnosis. And having a diagnosis is all well and good. But I'm not sure I would want to go that route. I've really only looked into it at all because my best friend keeps gently hinting that she thinks I should. But the thing is, I don't know that I want that. I don't know that I want that on my medical record. I'm finally in a place where I'm looking into gender affirming care. I'm also extremely independent and career focused. I don't want a diagnosis to fuck those things up.

And I'm not not even sure we'd fit the diagnostic criteria anymore. This whole process has been fast, but Firekeeper - the system's guardian - basically just decided to rip the bandaid off. I didn't get to "discover" my systemhood, she came in like a bull in a china shop and was basically just like, "Btw, there are more of us in here, have fun with that revelation, ok byeeeeeee." That was a whole-ass identity crisis. Thank god we were already friends with a few other systems who were eventually able to talk some sense into me. Because I was miserable at first. I at one point wrote a post on an old blog about how dealing with the alters was like drowning in a molasses flood. Not... the most flattering of comments. But I think because of that, we've learned to communicate well fairly quickly. The curtain was drawn back and that was it. It wasn't quite that simple, but we function now.

Yes, we get upset with each other. Yes, sometimes we don't all know what's going on. Yes, we're still trying to figure out how things work. But I know I no longer panic over suddenly being somewhere I don't remember going, for instance, and the presence of the rest of the system is no longer distressing. The problems I was having with things like amnesia have also been less severe since I stopped trying to fight the alters. I may not always have memories of something, but usually somebody does. And we've learned to communicate those things fairly well. Overall, there isn't much distress anymore. So I don't think we qualify.

Idk, I'm not an expert by any means. But I do not foresee trying to get a diagnosis. I don't feel I need one to know who I am - who we are - and to handle day to day life. This isn't meant as syscourse, it's just my own feelings on my personal experiences. If you want a diagnosis, that's great. I hope you can get one. If you don't, that's great too, and I hope no one tries to force any labels you don't want on you. Ultimately, I feel like it's just inviting more problems than I want to deal with. And I wish everyone could understand that way of thinking.

#🎵 rowan #plural system #journal #adaptive system #system #Literally just me thinking.#I do genuinely wish folks whichever outcome they're hoping for on this front.#And I do wish people could get both viewpoints.#This is also why I don't label myself as DID.#I don't think we fit the criteria so I'm not gonna say I have it.#Now OSDD maybe. And that I might look into a diagnosis for.#But not as a system. No I'd be looking for a diagnosis because of the frequent and distressing episodes of derealization.

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one-abuse-survivor · 8 months

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im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

#Ask #Abuse tw #abusive parents #abuse recovery #Death tw #Grief tw #family death tw #Child abuse tw #Vent #Trauma tw #Trauma recovery #Self harm mention #Sh mention

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knucklegagging · 5 months

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I know this is mostly an anorexia tumblr account but tbh I havent been really struggling w my anorexia lately. Found old emaciated pictures and I think thats a lot of the reason why. Side by side my highest weight and lowest weight one looks weak and the other looks sexy. And Like... I wanna live. If i can. Especially now. And maybe a lot of this is that I was dealing shit no one is ever supposed to talk about but I have never been fat. I have been big busted hourglass booty girl slimthicc milkshake walking cunstain looking barbie body. And I have been emaciated. Thats so weird to really notice for the first time in my twenties. And it's not like I've been actively wanting to die or anything intense like that, but I didnt know life could feel good. And lately it really does. And my set range right now is 111 to 116. Which is healthy, as is my bfp. So i get that this is an anorexia tumblr account primarily... But maybe it doesnt always have to be? Idk tonight just feels really good. The girl I like seems to like me. And by that i mean shes made it clear she does in more ways than one. And frankly ive been a migraine and she still around. Its been a lot to adjust to. I have not been an easy person for her to be around. At least, i know I would be tired of my anxiety bullshit by now. She has so much patience and kindess and goodness in her soul. I feel like I have known her before, almost like memories from a dream that you woke up from too quickly. The taste of thoughts percolate my mouth with painful dripping sighs that crave to know her better, like filling in the blanks. Theres something so different, so unmistakable about the way that she is.

I dont know how to comfort myself at times because I cannot be running away in the opposite directiom but sticking my heels into blue on the treadmill next to her is terrifying. I get these scared moments thinking that I am going to ruin everything in one fell swoop w one stupid comment or being too hyper, talking too much, saying shit she wouldnt care about, moving too fast, not moving fast enough, not being whatever it is she expects of me. ...but yet she just roll w the punches. I dont want her to know how inexperienced i am w relationships. I dont want her to know anything bad thats happened to me and have it sour the interest that she has in me. I'm like paranoid that somehow she would find this blog and see my thoughts spelled out even though ik she won't. That wouldnt happen. But out of nowhere sometimes I just get scared like she will wake up one morning and decide I am not good enough. That I am too autistic or I have too much of a past behind me. That I have already been defiled and that makes me too much drama. I cant say that sentence out loud. I can't say many if any things out loud. I am always writing them down for her.

I am terrified about how to play my sleeves. At some point she will probably see my arms or thighs if we continue to spend time w each other. How the fuck is that all supposed to play out? Do i pretend its nothing and just rip the bandaid off? Wear a tank top when i see her next? That sounds dumb. There is no way to gradually unveil my body in ways that are not jarring when you have as many scars as I do. I like myself fine I just sometimes notice how much i do not know and that can psyche me out. But today has been good. Tonight has been happy. I am very much okay today. I just wish time would move faster slowly, so that i can know how we end up so that i can have a road map. I want thw answers for how to behave so that i dont cause any problems for her. If i could read her mind, if i could see the future, if i could know now what i will know then about whether i am going to make her life difficult... I am so scared. I am so happy. But I am also so scared.

Whats gonna happen when I am really visible and she can really see me? I've done so well at being invisible. With her I dont want to be. But it is all unknown and I'm a big ol scaredycat

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turkishdreams · 3 years

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before i get to giffing this week’s episodes..

i normally don’t do write-ups for baht oyunu or ada masalı but i just had some thoughts that i really wanted out of my head. this got a bit out of hand and became longer than i intended oops 😅 and ofc, beware of spoilers!

so this week’s episodes of both baht oyunu and ada masalı dealt with quite a lot of pain and heartbreak, which really put my shipper heart thru the wringer. but that’s what we get for clowning and investing as much as we do, right? 🤡

i really wanted to give a special shoutout to AM for finally having all the cards on the table. a lot of the times with dizis they tend to drag out the miscommunication and lies to no end, but seeing them confront all the lies and deception in one go was so flippin’ refreshing. not to mention, that scene where haziran and poyraz were locked up in that hotel room and just hashing everything out.. that deserves all 👏 the 👏 awards👏 their acting was so well done, i had tears in my eyes by the end.

and you know what? i also really appreciate that the writing gives haziran a lot of credit for trying to fix her mistakes and still wanting to stick around as opposed to her moping around and leaving the island out of self-pity, which is what we normally see. even just her locking both of them up in the hotel room just so she could have a chance to present her side of the situation was legendary behaviour, but for her to step out afterwards and claim her mark on this island, knowing she would be ostracized and heckled was the cherry on top. im HERE for this queen shit 👑 they really don’t write female characters like this so i'm just so excited that we’re going somewhere new that i personally haven’t experienced before in diziland.

also, thank god that 🐍 hakan got exposed for the lying cheat that he is as well. i was so worried that he would still get away with all his crimes and just blame it all on haziran, but he also got what was coming for him and i’m just so pumped about that. sure he got away by the end of the episode, but that ass-whooping was SO satisfying.

of course, the next couple episodes are gonna be pretty intense and filled with a lot of pain, but they’ve ripped off the bandaid at this point and now everything just has to settle down and heal. which means they can get back to falling in love without any more hurdles and lies!! what a win, right??? like honestly, as a viewer & fan, i feel respected in a sense bc they’re not wasting our time with any more intricate lies and we’re finally getting down to the bottom of things, we’re not beating around the bush anymore.

which leads me to baht oyunu..

trust me when i say i actually enjoyed this latest episode a lot, purely for the angst. but at some point, the can of worms has to come out, right? and the lies just keep piling up, there’s no end to it. the worst is that SO many ppl are becoming involved, right down to ada’s prof - who’s a real one btw - for not clarifying with bora that ada never graduated.

i hate to compare, but after seeing this week’s ep of AM, it’s hard not to wish for something similar to happen in BO bc as a viewer i’m starting to get confused about who’s in on all the lies and who’s not. as far as i can tell, the major lies seem to be that a) ada’s married - happily and b) ada graduated, but because of these lies, a lot of smaller lies have stemmed like selin being married.

i know with a show like BO where everything is more light-hearted, we can’t expect the same sort of fallout like poyhaz had in AM but man it would be really cathartic. i just want all cards on the table, i want everything cleared up so that adbor can also move on and fall in love without anything burdening them. with the way the show has been going so far, i really thought they would be switching things up and having a confession earlier on, but i’m starting to think we’re gonna have to wait for it just like every other dizi. i hope to god i’m wrong tho.

also, if we really think about it, why would bora even be personally affected by these lies? like she basically just lied on her resume and got the job, and is amazing at her job. if bora wasn’t already falling for her, would this really be that big of an issue to him? it shouldn’t matter, right? the most this would be is a breach of contract, a breach of trust, but the longer they drag it out, the more involved he becomes (unnecessarily). she didn’t exactly do him dirty by lying and getting the job, she got the job for her own means, not as a favour to him or anything.

the fragman for next week’s ep doesn’t really make me feel any better, but obviously i’ll still be around, esp to see jealous bora lol. idk, i just feel like it’s really unfair to both ada and bora’s characters to have all this be so dragged out, esp considering how much all this is weighing on ada's conscience and how supportive bora has been this whole time.

bora continues to surprise me with how he's ALWAYS there for ada and notices the tiniest things about her. he's becoming one of my fav characters in any turkish dizi. which is why im equally as jumpy to see how exactly he would react when all the truths are exposed. i highly doubt he'll be as erratic as poyraz, he'll more likely be very emotional and disappointed. and he's been trying to connect the dots since the beginning instead of being totally blissful so when exactly do we get to see the outcome of that? atp im more impatient than he is for everything to be laid out 😅

all in all, these episodes were still fantastic and we better gear up for more pain coming our way before our mains get the peace and love they deserve 🥲 im gonna get to giffing tonight so if you have any requests pls hit me up (that is if any of you are still reading). also if you like these write-ups, i might do more in the future 😊

also also, im lowkey thinking about making a twitter account so that i can be engaged in the dizi fandoms in a different way and possibly share more of my thoughts, is that something you guys would be interested in seeing or nah?

EDIT: i did end up making a twitter account, check it out @ xturkishdreams if you wanna give it a follow!

as always thanks for the support, until next time 💖

#baht oyunu #baht oyunu spoilers #ada masalı #ada masali #ada masalı spoilers #misc

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kurisus · 4 years

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Chapter 89-2 thoughts

HA HA WOW WHAT A FUN CHAPTER AM I RIGHT

Also, hey, it’s me, the blog formerly known as kurisuumakise. I changed my URL slightly since last month! Anyway, spoilers under the cut~

Kazuma used an incantation against Yukine, and I was under the impression they only worked on ayakashi. I think his ayakashi form is coming out because of his emotions acting up (like how when Nora transformed in front of Hiyori a few chapters ago), but weirdly it doesn’t look like the crow from before. More like a cat.

(also want to throw back to my 89 thoughts where I wondered how stable Yukine’s new powers were. fuck.)

Could it also be the god’s greatest secret? Like, Yukine learned his past without his name breaking, but it still seems like his memories are peeking out from the cracks.

“He’s actually crying, isn’t he” stab me with a rusty fucking knife I hate this an unbelievable amount

Yato’s words “There’s only one thing I can do to save him, even if I have to do it by force” concerns me. What is he referring to? The blow he/Kazuma lands on Yukine at the end of the chapter? Something else?? He already apologized, and he’d never release him, so I’m afraid to speculate on What it could be if it’s not the aforementioned blow.

Speaking of, I have no idea what happened there. But I’ll get to that, I want to talk about Ebisu first

Apparently if they can find the sorcerer’s grave and destroy it, they can kill him. This is eerily similar to Yukine destroying his own grave (the fridge) a couple chapters back. But also, hello, Father backstory? ARE WE FINALLY GETTING AN EXPLANATION?

To recap, here’s what we know: He was a human, heaven/gods did some wrong to him, he died with a grudge, escaped Yomi, gained godlike powers along the way (whether it’s directly because he escaped Yomi or something that happened during/after his time there remains to be seen), and can now name shinki with a brush and hop bodies every lifetime.

If they defeat Father, I wonder what will happen to Fujisaki. Is his soul dead? I kind of hope it’s not so he can apologize for all the shit Father pulled while using his body.

anyway back to Yukine sobbing hours

we KNEW Adachitoka went full pain mode on Yukine seeing Yato as his father. but HOLY SHIT the way he insulted him, and imagined even at the beginning that Yato was being condescending and arrogant, just cut me deep to my core. He’s replaced all the fond memories he has with Yato with the terrible ones he has from his life. After all, one year of good memories can’t override 14 years of abuse...

Yukine, my boy, Yato loves you so much, he’s not the piece of shit you’re imagining, PLEASE,

We saw a bit more of his father’s face now, and I think I’m right in saying he looks rather young. It’s hard to tell, but to be the father of a 14 year old? (And however much older Yuka is?) He’s not exactly...aged.

“If I raise my hand against him, I’m no different from my dad!” and all my homies started crying. No, but really--the verbal confirmation that Yato also sees himself as a father to Yukine, and as such refuses to hurt him. Adachitoka has to stop oneshotting me with these sad quotes. “That boy loved people” “So even now my father is still killing me” “Come home, Yukine” and on and on with this FUCKING MANGA

okay so. The Hurt. Let’s start with the positives--Yukine didn’t lose his hand or any of his fingers. Looks like it got cut pretty badly, but I would have screamed if they pulled a Kugaha with him.

Also, he reverted from that weird catboy form and is now back to being emo. Is that because he got his feelings back under control?

I have a nasty feeling “I did it” referred to Yukine thinking he killed his father finally. ughhhhhh.

“I did it” could also refer to Yato attacking Yukine with the way it’s laid out on the page. I hate it here.

anyway Yato got stabbed through his stomach, looks like, and since Kazuma seems to be taking the same injuries, he probably has that wound too.

WHO WANTS TO BET THAT INSANE AMOUNT OF PAIN WAS WHAT WOKE BISHAMON UP. WHO WANTS TO FUCKIGN BE T. I swear if she comes to them only for Kazuma to die in her arms I will scream so loud Adachitoka will hear it in Japan aND THEY WILL KNOW WHAT THEY DID

As stated, I have no idea what to make of Yato attacking Yukine. I really hope Kazuma was the one who did it, since Yato JUST said he refused to lay a hand against him and Kazuma has insisted fighting is the only way. And god knows we love blaming things on Kazuma. But then Yato’s eyes went blank, just like when he lost control and almost killed Bishamon. Plus he said “That tree is...” and most people have (I think rightfully) speculated that’s where he buried Yukine’s body, so naturally he’d want to protect it. But enough to draw his sword against him?

I don’t know but I assume they’ll explain it next chapter

how many times can I say “they’ll explain it next chapter” and then the manga fucking ends and I still don’t know jack shit I’m putting on my clown makeup as we speak

Either way, Yukine still thinks Yato attacked him. And either way, Yato will blame it on himself. they have a LOT of apologizing and therapy to go through once this arc is over

Yato dying right above Yukine’s final resting place is a horrible fucking turn of events and I really wish literally anything Else had happened

anyway. The question remains, where will Bishamon go? Will she be able to track Yato and Kazuma down based on his pain, and save them? Or will she join Ebisu and the others in their research? Or neither? Maybe she’ll get Nana to have a weapon?

I think Hiyori and Nora are heading to Yato anyway, so with any luck they’ll find him and be able to save him. Hiyori becoming a doctor shoutout? anyone?

Or maybe they’ll meet up with Bishamon there and help Yato and Kazuma while she tracks down the sorcerer. I don’t know that she’s in any condition to fight, but [honks my clown nose] we’ll see next chapter

90 is coming a bit early next month, the 3rd for me, and I can’t tell if that’s better or not. Rip the bandaid off early, but also. idk if I can take it. That remains to be seen.

Another thing that remains to be seen is whether this is the most painful chapter of the manga for me. Right now it feels like it’s on par with 71, but time will tell. Especially since 71 at least had Yato and Yukine being ride or die for each other, and this time it focused on the “die” part.

Father naming Yukine was the midpoint of the Nora arc (this arc) to me, so now I think we’re getting close to the end. I really don’t see what else there is to accomplish now that Yato’s gotten hurt so badly. Maybe he’ll be in better shape than we thought and still able to go after Yukine? He got roughed up pretty badly fighting Takemikazuchi in the last arc, and his neck got sliced open that time too. But it’s really hard to tell the extent of the damage from just one panel. Obviously he couldn’t chase after Yukine. Then again, he did also just get concussed.

Yato can you please go one damn arc without suffering grievous injuries this is bad for my heart.

#Noragami #Noragami spoilers #Noragami manga #gonna go drink now #live update

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goatsandgangsters · 3 years

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For the trans asks! 1, 6, 14, 18, 25, 41?

1. How did you choose your name?

So the majority of people in my life call me either Em or EJ, though some people still call me Emeline (which is my given name). I don’t think I’ll ever consider it a deadname, because I do have some attachment, but I think the nicknames Em and EJ suite me better. People are welcome to use any of those options. While I’m particular about people getting my pronouns right and using neutral- or masculine-coded language, I’m kind of shrug emoji when it comes to names.

Em is actually largely @meyerlansky‘s doing (still suspended, rip), because they just... have a tendency to shorten people’s names and started calling me Em several years ago. And it just caught on! Particularly among online friends or mutual IRL friends, I looked around one day and was like “oh huh, a lot of people call me Em now, don’t they?”

EJ has a bit more of an intentional story behind it: I first thought of EJ back in mmmmaybe late 2018? I saw a post on tumblr that was like, “I think it’s cool how there are a couple different Categories that transmasculine names tend to fall into” and listing those out. And one of them was initialisms—with examples like AJ, CJ, TJ. And I noticed, you know, J is always the second letter. And EJ is ACTUALLY MY INITIALS. And I just instantly felt really good about that, because here was a Very Gender Neutral Name, but it still already felt like a name I’d had my entire life. It was fresh and familiar all at once. It fit into this J pattern while also still feeling unique, because EJ is not as common as other -J initialisms. I first tried it out when I started going to a trans group IRL, so I have an entire trans friend group that only calls me EJ. The majority of people at work also call me EJ—similarly because nicknames just spread sometimes. I left my official documentation under Emeline, but mentioned to a couple people that I also go by EJ and then I blinked and almost every single person I work with calls me EJ.

Both Em and EJ amuse me, because I’m surprised at how easy it is for people to pick up a nickname. I’ve found that people adjust to using a different name WAY more easily than they adjust to changing pronouns? Which is on the one hand an interesting observation, but on the other hand, it’s unfortunate because I CARE MORE ABOUT THE PRONOUNS PEOPLE USE THAN MY NAME

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

Short answer: 2012. I was a sophomore in college and one day I found out some people actually want to be their assigned gender?? I had thought we were all just miserably putting up with it.

(There’s a longer answer here about realizing my gender in 2012 but then spending years and years overcoming my internalized guilt about “not being trans enough” and constantly moving my own goal post of “well I’m not trans enough because I don’t do x” and then doing x and going “OKAY BUT I HAVEN’T DONE Y” and then doing y and going “YEAH BUT I DON’T DO Z” and then wanting z and finally realizing, hey uh, how many times are you gonna move this goal post and also you’re eventually going to run out of goal posts—and finally having to go OKAY FINE, YES, I’M TRANS ENOUGH. I’M OUT OF EXCUSES TO INVALIDATE MYSELF.)

14. How long have you been out?

2018 was the first time I started telling people directly to use they/them pronouns for me. (I know, I know, took SIX YEARS RIGHT? But processing that is what my therapist is for.) But before that, I was definitely like in that vague place of “blogs about gender feelings and nonbinary stuff often enough that everyone who follows me like probably knew for a number of years before I said anything directly.” But in 2018, I was finally being Concrete and Direct about it, put it in all my socials, etc. Then in 2019, I came out to my parents and at my job for the first time. So officially, 2–3 years overall!

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

If you asked them, they would tell you that they love and support me and they’re proud of me and they fully accept my identity.

If you asked me, I would tell you that while they do love and support me, trans stuff is COMPLETELY BRAND NEW to them, so they don’t always know the right ways to show that support. It’s one of those “sometimes I wish it didn’t take work, but I know they’re trying and they mean well” situations

They ARE making progress, albeit more slowly than I’d like. Neither of them had ANY IDEA what I was talking about when I first came out. They very much... did not understand what I was telling them. So I made them both read a very good book on the subject, which they did read, and that helped lay some groundwork.

My dad has been consistently good about using neutral language from the start and as of a couple months ago started consistently using my pronouns! My mom still has not used my pronouns ever, which is kind of a bummer because she’s had... two years. She’s at the stage of “notices when she gets it wrong” or “aware enough to avoid pronouns,” which is better than not noticing at all, but it’s still not as good as getting it right. iT’S A PROCESS. I’m trying to be patient with it. They mean well. But god I wish it could just be easy, like a light switch.

I still haven’t told them about my plans for top surgery. I’ve been putting off that conversation for....... months. It was actually the “pin in that for next week” comment to my therapist when we were wrapping up. But like, IDK IF YOU’RE STILL WORKING ON PRONOUNS, I FEEL LIKE “SURGICALLY REMOVING MY BOOBS” MIGHT SOUND LIKE A LOT?

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

I MEAN, QUITE A LOT. But if I have to get specific, I wish there was more understanding of why pronouns are actually important. I get the sense from a lot of cis people who are older and who don’t have a lot of understanding about queer stuff to begin with, that they think of pronouns as like “something they have to be PC about” and if they use the wrong pronouns I’m going to be mad and offended and they’re going to be sent to pronoun jail by the language police. Like, people approach pronouns by thinking “I need to remember that she uses they/them pronouns, so I need to only call her by them/them pronouns.”

But actually, I’m asking that they stop seeing me as a woman. I don’t want a linguistic bandaid slapped over internal misgendering. If you can’t internalize that I’m not a girl, then pronouns will continue to be a struggle. I’d rather people call me the right thing than the wrong thing, but I don’t want to only be called the right thing. I want to also be seen as the right thing, too. It’s like one of my friends had a coworker call them by the wrong pronoun and the coworker came to apologize and then was like “alright, see you later girl!” with apparently no cognitive dissonance whatsoever. Pronouns are important, but they’re also not JUST language. Pronouns are important because they signify seeing people authentically. I want people to get my pronouns right, but I don’t want getting my pronouns right to be ALL that people do.

Also, the idea that trans people are “angry and offended” when you misgender them because everyone is so sensitive and political correctness has gone too far, instead of like “it’s a painful reminder that you never get to just exist as your gender the way that cis people do, that no matter what you do there are always people who’ll use the wrong pronouns—sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally, and it’s death by a thousand cuts” is a whole other rant I could go on. But if I get into how the myth of trans people being “easily offended” is dangerous, unfair, and untrue, we’ll be here all day.

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

When I was first starting out, I did—for better or worse—get a lot of information from tumblr. On the one hand, I can’t shit talk, because it did allow me access to information that at the time I couldn’t find anywhere else. On the other hand, tumblr is often an ugly place for information (and whatever nonbinary discourse and misperceptions might exist now, it was 38475785 times worse in 2012. good god. just fuckin wall-to-wall trusc*m). I can’t tell you how many “HOW TO PASS AS A MAN (FTM)” articles and blogs I read back in 2012 as well. I absorbed any information I could find about anything, anywhere, because it was not as widely available.

In the interceding years, I feel like I don’t know exactly where my information comes from. I just absorbed so much of it, wherever it could be found, that I don’t have a strong sense of where it comes from. I’ve watched countless “1 month on T / 3 months on T / 6 months on T / one year on T” videos on YouTube. I’ve trawled transbucket and facebook groups looking at people’s top surgery results. I’ve read lots of articles on fitting clothing and masculine style onto bodies that weren’t necessarily intended for those clothes.

Spending IRL time with trans people though has been by far the most enriching and healing, though. It wasn’t necessarily where I learned the basics like different methods of top surgery, but it was where I started un-learning a lot of the emotional baggage I’d picked up along the way.

[Trans ask game! What has been your gender journey?]

#in typical me fashion I gave you VERY LONG-WINDED ANSWERS to theoretically simple questions :p #big gender mood #smittyjaws

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you-are-my-neverland · 3 years

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so. it’s finally time to talk about [my] nano.

i’ve kept my nano project pretty under wraps so far, mostly because it’s been out of my hands. i wasn’t actually planning on doing a for real for real nano; instead, i thought i would dedicate some time to my fanfic (spoiler alert, but i haven’t yet) or work on finishing up revising fairbone (spoiler alert: i did revise one chapter, but i still have like half of it left to go and a nov 30 deadline...rip). if that didn’t work, i thought i would pick a wip i started over the summer or one i had half developed (let’s just say the ideas note i have really boomed over the summer and like...yeah). in conclusion, there were many wips ready for me to work on them, including ash heart, which i really want to write but haven’t figured out how to.

instead i started a new wip.

well, it’s not necessarily new, persay. it’s an idea i’ve had stewing since like late september/early october and planned out a good portion of. however, deciding to start it was a last minute decision - and by last decision, i mean that on october 31st i finished developing the barebones of character development and basic plot lol and then gave it a go. it’s honestly been going crazy well. as of today (november 9th), i just hit 21.2k words. i’m hopeful about this year, while also not wanting to jinx stuff, but like...wow. but writing is has made me realize that, wow, this book is going to be crazy long probably...like i’m 21k words in and we’re still like in the exposition idk what’s going on. but hey, i finished planning out the rest of the basic plot for it today!!!

right. onto the wip details.

honestly, the only reason i haven’t introduced this wip is because a) i want actual stuff done on it and like a proven commitment, because i feel like too often i introduce wips i don’t actually go anywhere with and i hate it, b) i don’t have a set title and c) i actually have no idea how to summarize this.

the novel i’m working on right now is the first of a projected trilogy. i say projected because i have a vague idea that it belongs to a trilogy, but like not a lot of plot except some vaguely connected ideas that should happen in the future. in it, i used a lot of characters from these violent ends, which i tried to write for camp april 2020, but like just their basic barebones; i changed a lot to fit the story, of course.

not to sound nerdy, but it is like....harry potter inspired, but ONLY in the magical boarding school sense. of course, right now all i have is magical boarding school shenanigans, which i don’t really like because i feel like it unfairly sets the book up as like fun magical stuff when it’s really about murder & politics & student activism (+ a lot of other things ending in -ism). the whole activism part came from watching the trial of the chicago 7 and i was like, bingo, this is what this story needs.

kay but ANYWAYS. onto the story. like i said, i can’t really summarize it, but there are lots of themes of classism, feminism, the affect on youth and youth’s effect, manipulative adults, revolution, terrorism, sibling dynamics and found family vibes, like all that stuff...packaged into a magical boarding school off the coast of maine setting...recipe for disaster!

mainly i’ve been writing in ophelia’s pov, because she’s my main girl and she’s problematic, but also she’s trying her best and just having a little difficulty fitting in. some other main characters are her twin brother, sebastian, and two other boys, asriel and vincent, who have an initially animistic relationship with ophelia (& kind of each other?) but it’s like enemies to friends (to lovers?).

anyways. here are some carefully curated excerpts below the cut:

i. vincent and asriel meet on a train (ch. 1)

The boy pursed his lips together. “It’s unusual,” he said, finally. “That’s all.” But he was looking at Vincent as if he was noticing him, which meant he was lying, or at least withholding the truth about something. He added, “You’re not from around here, are you?”

“Do you mean geographically?” Vincent replied, raising an eyebrow. “Because I’m from New York.”

A small glimmer of a smile appeared on the boy’s lips, though it vanished as quickly as it had come. “From the Magical World,” he clarified.

“What gives it away?” Vincent asked sarcastically, waving a hand across his body. “My impeccable taste?”

“Among other things,” the boy said.

ii. sebastian and ophelia discuss grief on a ferry (ch.2 )

“You and mom talked?” Ophelia asked, surprised. She hadn’t exactly been keeping track of them, but she was sure she and Sebastian had spent much of the day together, as they were wont to do.

Sebastian looked at the floor. “Yeah,” he answered, hoarsely. “At least she wants to talk about Des. Dad doesn’t, and neither do you.”

Ophelia sighed, wondering why, today of all days, her sister was haunting them. Maybe it was because there should have been three people heading to Rijevduct, instead of two. Maybe Mother Magic was reminded of the loss of one of her own.

“I’ve let her go,” she said. “You should too. We have too much of our lives ahead of us to mourn Desdemona forever.”

“I don’t mourn,” Sebastian said, words uncharacteristically sharp. “But I do grieve.”

“Isn’t that basically the same thing,” Ophelia mumbled, closing her eyes and feeling the press of a headache behind them.

“Sorrow,” Sebastian said, the word a soft shudder. “And sad endings.”

��What?”

“That’s what makes a good tragedy,” Sebastian answered. “I read it in a book.”

iii. headmistress alexeyev gives a speech (ch. 2)

“Eight years ago, seventy two students were slaughtered here. Some died on the very spot where you now stand today.” Ophelia glanced down at the floor, seeing the motion repeated instinctively around her as well. She looked over at Sebastian, who had closed his eyes instead, a pale flush meeting the faint color in his cheeks. His throat bobbed as he swallowed, tennis shoes scraping against stone as he toed them against the floor, as if he was shaking something only visible to him off.

“It was a tragedy,” Headmistress Alexeyev continued. “I say this because it is the truth. It was a tragedy, and not one that should never have happened.” She inhaled; Ophelia saw her chest rise, shoulders with it, in a sharp motion before she exhaled, body rearranging itself into poise once more. “I speak of this to tell you to assure you that Rijevduct is safe. I know there have been continuous doubts over the security of this school since that day eight years ago. I cannot, of course, guarantee that you will not come to any harm here. I cannot tell you that Rijevduct is the safe haven you were taught it was growing up; events have already proved that it is, in fact, not as impenetrable as one might think.”

Ophelia frowned, confused as to the line of reasoning. She had thought the whole point of the year of transition was to make sure that Rijevduct was infinitely more safer than it had been—and they had all been under the assumption that Rijevduct was virtually impenetrable until the massacre, which had led to the heightened security measures they saw today.

“I can, however, promise you that I, and everyone here today, will do anything in their power to keep you safe,” the Headmistress said. Next to Ophelia, Briar bowed her head, lowering her eyes and swallowing, the action almost a convulsion of her throat and mouth. Ophelia brushed her hand, lightly, in question, and the other girl just shook her head, looking away purposefully, so that Ophelia lost sight of her face and her sad eyes.

“These next three years will be far from easy. Gone are the sheltered lives where your parents could kiss your injuries goodbye, or sing you to sleep at night. Rijevduct is far from the cold, real world, but it is close enough when it comes to not asking you what you want first. This is an adjustment period. This is learning how to survive—and I will tell you this; surviving means many different things to many different people. You will have to decide on your own what this will mean for you, and how you will apply what you are taught here to your futures. Be wise. Be proud. Be humble. Cry. Laugh. Live. As your Headmistress, I, along with your professors, will be here throughout your time.” She raised her glass, “To the worthy,” and then drank, turning and walking back to her seat, which she lowered herself into gracefully.

iv. sebastian pov! (ch. 3)

There was a dead girl in Sebastian’s first period Magical Theory class. She was sitting diagonal from him, on the Glass side of the classroom, in an empty chair, staring straight ahead at the chalkboard. Sebastian tried not to look at her too obviously, his eyes straying from the open book in front of him to her cautiously, beneath the sleeve of his sweater.

She was sitting blankly in the chair, scraping her shoes against the ground, though they could not leave any scuff marks. Though she was the same faded shades most girls were, Sebastian could make out her pleated pale blue plaid skirt, which brushed around her knees, and the stained white blouse that might have once been spotless, but had been marred forever by the circumstances surrounding her death—objectively, that was to say, with blood. Her dark brown hair fell into loose curls around her shoulders, little silver studs glinting dimly, unable to catch the light. Her knee high socks now pooled around her calves and ankles, revealing a rotting bandaid on one of her knees. One of her tennis shoes was peeling at the toes, looking as if it had been ripped apart.

Her fingernails had all been pulled off. Sebastian was good at analyzing ghosts by this point; he recognized the bloody flesh and bone of the nail bed. There was also blood matted across her head, trickling down her temple, with bruises covering her body; they peeked out from beneath the collar of her shirt, blackened across her cheekbones with a sunken quality in particular to one of her cheeks, as if the bone had begun to cave.

Subjectively, she was far from one of the worst that Sebastian had seen.

#writers on tumblr #writing #creative writing #nano 2020 #nanowrimo 2020 #nano update #11.9.2020 #enjoy these excerpts they are not so trash after all #this is all so messy #but i didn't want to ss because it will look ugly #this should be called i explain my nano2020 w/o explaining anything #i want to make a point with this but also]#magical boarding school shenanigans TT #like it's bothering me how it has like a different start than its end but maybe that will be good in the end?#who knows who knows #anyways if i tried to actually explain my wip we would be here all night

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shadedrose01 · 4 years

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Play It Again

Ship: Parkner (Harley Keener/Peter Parker)

Summary: Harley sees a cutie at a party and goes to say hi

Tags: Febufluff, Day five!, dancing under the stars, Idk what to tag for this story, uhhhh, Harley Keener is a Flirt, Peter Parker is a good person, But also kind of the flirt, Based off the song by luke bryan, Field party, Theyre both in university, Flirting, Partying, Dancing, Ned and MJ are barely in this, but theyre there, Fluff, Crushes, Pre-Relationship

Day five of Febufluff: "Dancing under the stars"!

'She was sittin' all alone over on the tailgate, Tan legs swingin' by a Georgia plate. I was lookin' for her boyfriend, Thinkin', no way she ain't got one'

"No, no, absolutely not! There's no way snickers is the best!"

"Why?!? What's wrong with it, Malcolm?"

"Oh, I don't know, Lilly, maybe literally everything about it."

Harley was trying to pay attention to his friends conversation, he truly was. He usually loved when his friends bickered like this, about the randomist shit like which candy bar is the best, and usually he'd join in, saying the craziest thing he could think of just to piss them off, but tonight he couldn't focus.

They were at a field party, something his friends had dragged him out to because "socializing (read: partying) is a fundamental part of college life, Harley, stop being such an introvert!", the field of long stalk grass swaying in the warm after summer breeze and the full moon and a thousand stars shining above them, without a cloud in sight. All of this natural beauty, and Harley couldn't keep his eyes off the truck parked in the middle of the party. Well, he couldn't keep his eyes off of the boy in the back of that truck, anyways. He was definitely a natural beauty, but not in the same context.

Soft, curly chestnut hair flowing in the wind, rounded cheeks with a rosy hue, pushing up by a big, toothy smile, twinkling brown eyes as he speaks to a person stood in from of him, arms flailing and hands waving in his excitement. Match that with a dark red flannel, tied in the middle over a black v-neck and a pair ripped jeans and call Harley a goner, because goddamn. He shouldn't be staring, shouldn't even be considering, he knows, because that boy definitely has a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend, or a partner. He definitely isn't single, thats for sure. Because how the heck could someone that hot be single? Hot, and cute, and seemingly funny from the way his friend bursts into laughter beside him at whatever he just said, a little proud grin on his face.

He stares for a little too long this time, not noticing that his friends conversation stilled to a stop until a shoulder knocks into his roughly, almost toppling him over. He regains his balance before glaring over at MJ, who just snorts at his expression. "Just go ask him out already, nerd."

Harley just shrugs her off with a light blush, mumbling, "I dont know what you're talking about."

MJ just rolls her eyes at him, scoffing, and pushes past him, strutting her way over to the poor boy with the confidence of a Male Lion, king of the pride, about to catch its prey. He rushes after her, calling out "MJ!" with through clenched teeth, knowing no good will come from his but also knowing that he can't stop her. She's a force of nature, once she got her mind set of something there's nothing you can do to stop her, except to watch and hope for the best. So that's what Harley does, trudging behind her begrudgingly, ready for whatever she was going to inflict on this poor, innocent soul.

The boy stops mid conversation as the two approach, staring at them curiously, those wide baby browns flickering between the two of them evenly.

"Hi." MJ starts, her voice even, emotionless as usual, before she sticks a thumb in Harleys direction. "This is Harley. He thinks you're hot, but was too much of a pussy to come over here and say it himself." She ignores his louder exclamation of her name and his now flustered face, rolling her eyes again before patting him on the shoulder and walking away again, throwing a "you'll thank me later!" over her shoulder.

He watches her walk away, cursing her out in his head before looking back to the boy, who is blinking owlishly at him, looking extremely embarrassed and slightly uncomfortable at what just transpired. Harley just blows out a long winded sigh, kicking his shoes into the dirt. There's an awkward pause, a few seconds where nobody speaks, before Harley forces himself to break it. "...I'm sorry about her. I- didn't know she was going to do that." He laughs, but it comes out wrong, choked off, rubbing at the back of his neck to try and rid of some of the heat that's pooling there.

Luckily, Harley seems to be on God's good side tonight, as the boy seems to shake himself out of his stupor, and laughs as well, light and airy and sounding real enough to cause Harley's heart to stutter and his cheeks to burn even more. "Its okay, I just wasn't expecting it. Ned would probably do the same thing." He glares at the person he was talking to earlier playful, who shrugs and nods along like he agrees with a shit eating grin. Harley snickers at the action, and relaxes, feeling the awkward tension in the air between to fade away.

'Soon as I sat down, I was falling in love, tryin pour a little sugar in her Dixie cup.'

Feeling a little more confident, Harley walks closer to the boy, still putting a comfortable distance between them, he doesnt want to make the guy too uncomfortable, leaning back against the tailgate of the truck. "So, what school do you go to?"

Harley knows this party is filled with students from multiple difference schools, and he can bet that pretty boy doesnt go to the same school as him. He definitely would have noticed him before now if he did.

"Columbia." Pretty boy responds easily, sipping out of his red solo cup before glancing back at Harley with a glint in his coffee eyes and a tilt to his lips. "Let me guess, NYU?"

"How could you tell?" Harley grins back at him, leaning in a little closer.

Pretty boy shrugs, before giving him a very clear once over and murmuring slyly "Lets just say I'm not the only 'hot' one around." Harley eyes widen, and his cheeks darken, a swirl of heat pooling in his stomach at the implication of those words. "...it's also written on your shirt."

Harley blinks, his mind freezing it's not so family friendly thoughts to look down and realize that, huh. It does say it on his sweater, a giant logo of NYU plastered right on the front. "...huh. So it is." Pretty boy laughs again, louder and heartier this time, and Harley cant help but to smile warmly at him, his face softening. God, he could get used to that sound. "So, what're you studying at Columbia?"

"Bio-Chem, mostly." Pretty boy gets out in between his chuckles. "Ive always been- interested in Spiders since I was little, especially after finding out how versatile a Spiders web could be. So now, I'm trying to find a way to turn a Spiders web, or a chemical compound similar to a web, into some sort of spray-on organic bandaid. If I could get it to work, it could help stop serious wounds from bleeding out, and could save so many lives." He seems so passionate about it, hands waving and eyes glowing, swirling with a deeper, darker emotion hidden under all of the excitement, looking something similar to guilt.

"Wow. Smart, funny and cute? Isn't this just my lucky day?" He sees the boy look away bashfully, cheeks growing a rosy hue , and grins. He notes that the boys friend, Ned or whatever, has disappeared, but doesnt dwell on it too long. "I'm in mechanical engineering. But I dont have this whole speech on what my final thesis is gonna be."

His cheek flush darker at the tease and his eyes narrow, twinkling with mirth. "Well, at least I'll be prepared when the time comes, unlike somebody."

Harley snorts from his laughter, keeping an eye on the boy out of the corner of his crinkled eyes the entire time. Man this guy is perfect. Can he get any better?

'Talking over the speakers in the back of that truck. She jumped up and cut me off,'

"Oh my god!" The boy gasps, sitting up wire straight all of a sudden.

Harley sits up as well instinctually, ready to help."What??"

"This is my favorite song!" The music that had become a faint background noise to Harley now becomes crystal clear, a steady rhythm with a good beat. "Come on, dance with me!" The boy holds out his hand, smile wide and toothy, brown eyes wide and sparkling and god, how could Harley say no to that?

He grabs the hand extended to him, and the boy drags them off towards the middle of the field, where a few other groups are bobbing to the music. He starts to bob along as well, head nodding and limbs swinging, singing along to the lyrics under his breath, and Harley can't help but to join along, dancing pathetically beside him, laughing his ass off, their hands staying intertwined the entire time. About halfway through the song, the boy grabs his other hand, and they start spinning around in circles, the both of them giggling like madmen the entire time.

They only stop once the song simmers out, another slower song replacing the steady beats of before. The boy places a hand against Harleys shoulder to regain his balance, dizzy from the spinning. Harleys dizzy for another reason, seeing the red rosey cheeks up close, his button nose scattered with small, barely noticable freckles and his irises full of gold and green flecks. Pretty boy doesnt seem to care about how close they are, just smirking at him slyly. He takes his hand out of Harleys grip and pulls out a pen from his flannel pocket, ripping the top off with his teeth. He then grabs Harleys arm with his free hand, pushing up his sleeve and scribbling something down, putting the cap back onto the pen before leaning up and pressing a light, careful kiss to Harley's burning cheek. "Call me." He murmurs softly against Harleys ear, pulling away completely and walking back to his group with a satisfied look on his face.

Harley blinks at the empty space before him, before looking down at his arm, seeing the messy scribble of a number, and a name. Peter. Harley touches it gently, his cheeks aching with his widening smile, before rolling down his sleeve and walking back to his own friend group, already pulling out his phone.

'Play it again, play it again, play it again.'

#parkner #parley #harley keener/peter parker #febufluff #Febufluff #day 5 #dancing under the stars #flirty #harley keener #peter parker #fanfiction #marvel #mcu #marvel fanfiction #marvel mcu

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spaztronautwriter · 6 years

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The Proposal: Ch. 4 (an Olicity fic)

Summary: When Felicity Smoak finds herself in a bind, she enlists the help of her assistant Oliver Dearden to help her keep her from being deported and losing her job. The problem is, in order to do so, they kind of have to get married…

A/N: This is either funny or dumb, or possibly both idk. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Read Chapter: One | Two | Three | Four

Read on AO3

###

"At least your family lives someplace civilized," Felicity said as the flight attendants began signaling for everyone to file off the plane. "You could have lived in Alaska or something! That's the last thing I would have needed this weekend."

They’d just touched down in Starling City and Felicity was eager to step foot on solid ground once again. She’d never been a fan of heights, and flying always left her slightly cranky.

"What's wrong with Alaska?" Oliver asked, grabbing their carry-ons from the overhead bin. He maneuvered her bright yellow suitcase carefully, avoiding the people struggling to retrieve their own luggage in the row behind him. "Nothing's wrong with Alaska," Felicity said, moving out into the aisle when he gestured for her to go ahead of him. "Except that the reception is spotty and the wifi is practically non-existent." Glancing over her shoulder, she noticed his puzzled look. "The Internet exists in Alaska, Felicity," he said. "Sure," she agreed, waving a hand dismissively, "but you could have lived in some godforsaken fishing village where all they had was a dial up connection. All I'm saying is, I'm glad you're from Starling. It's a huge tech area, so we won't have any problems this weekend." One of the flight attendants smiled and wished them a good trip as they exited the plane. Felicity let out a relieved sigh once they reached the jetway, but her anxiety didn’t lessen the way she’d thought it would. It clung to her, making her limbs feel prickly and restless. Of course, that could have something to do with the fact that she was heading to her assistant's childhood home to tell his family they were getting married in just a few days time.

"Yeah, I doubt we'll be lacking for technology this weekend,” Oliver said from right over her shoulder where he was tugging their suitcases along.

"Huh?" She turned to him as they broke free of the cramped bridge and into the airport. Oliver sighed and then opened his mouth to tell her... something, clearly, but was interrupted by a loud shriek and then a tiny brunette launched herself across the terminal and into his arms.

"Ollie!" the girl cried, wrapping her arms around his neck. Oliver dropped the suitcases, grabbing the girl with a surprised, "Oof!" "Ollie, I'm so glad you're here!" the girl said, pulling back, but keeping her hands on his shoulders. "It's been so long I thought I'd never see you again!" Oliver grinned and Felicity was once again taken aback by it. He really did have a great smile. And something about this particular smile for this particular girl made him look lighter than she’d ever seen him.

"It's only been since Christmas, Speedy," he chuckled. "You act like I've been missing for five years or something."

"It feels like it," the girl, who Felicity realized was probably Oliver's sister, grumbled. She stepped further back and Oliver bent to pick up the suitcases he'd abandoned when his sister jumped him. "Thea, this is Felicity," he said, nodding in her direction. "Felicity, my sister Thea." "Hi," Felicity smiled, throwing in an awkward little wave when the young woman stared at her. "I wasn't aware you were bring a... friend, Oliver," she said, eyeing Felicity up and down in a way that made her feel very judged. Well, it’s now or never, she thought. Might as well get the fake fiancée stuff out of the way. "We're not friends," she said quickly, wanting to rip the bandaid off, so to speak. "I mean, we are friends, of course, we are. I just meant I'm not some flavor of the week type fling because we're... um..." For some reason, Felicity couldn't seem to get the words out. And this was just his sister! What would it be like to tell his parents or her mom, or to stand in front of everyone they knew and exchange vows? Why did she ever expect pretending to marry Oliver was going to be easy? After a moment of Thea's judgey raised eyebrows Felicity chickened out. "I'm his... uh, boss." Thea's eyes went wide and she looked back to Oliver. "Your boss Felicity? That Felicity?" she asked, and Felicity could hear whatever Thea was saying between the lines. She didn't understand it, but she knew it was being said. Oliver, for his part, looked totally unaffected by his sister. "Yes, my boss Felicity. And..." He glanced over in her direction, looking hesitant and Felicity totally understood why. They were informing his family that they were getting married this week. That was huge! She wasn't sure if Oliver was also feeling on the verge of a panic attack, but just in case she reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a sympathetic squeeze. She didn't think about the fact that when he squeezed back she felt her own anxiety lessen just a touch. "She's more than just my boss," he said, his voice firm as he looked back at his sister. Thea's eyebrows flicked up, but she didn't interrupt. After a brief moment and another look at Felicity, Oliver took a breath and said, "She's my fiancée." Thea's eyes shot wide and her mouth dropped open, but then something flickered across her face and she composed herself with a small shake of her head. Her eyes were still wide with surprise, but she didn't look like her world had just been turned upside down. In fact, Oliver's little sister looked more than a little amused at the news. "Mom is going to kill you," she said, shaking her head slowly. She looked back at Felicity, her gaze no longer judging, but more appraising. "It's nice to meet you, Felicity. You don't look like the masochistic dictator my brother made you out to be." Felicity's head jerked back reflexively. "I'm sorry, the what?" she asked, pinning Oliver with a glare. Oliver was already shaking his head. "I never said that."

Thea laughed, crossing her arms over her chest. “Oh, this is going to be fun.”

“Can we just go?” Oliver asked, looking slightly uncomfortable, which only made Felicity believe that he really had called her those things to his little sister.

“Sure thing,” Thea said, turning around and gesturing for them to follow. “Car’s this way.”

Felicity followed after Thea, Oliver lugging the suitcases behind her, as she led them through the airport and out to the designated pick up location outside. Starling City was a little more humid than she was used to and she could practically feel her hair already starting to frizz up. A sleek black town car was sitting on the curb, a tall man in a suit already pulling the door open for them. Thea climbed in and the man walked around back, popping the trunk and helping Oliver load the suitcases. Either this was the fanciest Uber Felicity had ever seen or Oliver’s family was more well-off than she’d ever imagined.

He’d said his family was well known, but he hadn’t really shared anything more than that. She should have just googled them, but she’d had other things on her mind, and as long as he wasn’t a fugitive, she really didn’t care who his family was. She was marrying him for a green card, not his family.

Felicity climbed into the car, Oliver following after her a moment later. It took the driver a few minutes to disentangle them from the long lines surrounding the airport, but soon enough they were heading towards the heart of Starling City.

Thea engaged them—mostly Oliver—in small talk for a few minutes, before her phone vibrated and her thumbs started flicking across the screen a mile a minute. Felicity didn’t mind. She was relieved to have a few minutes to herself before coming face to face with the rest of Oliver’s family. From what she knew, he only had the one sister, but both of his parents were alive and well. He didn’t have a great relationship with them though, and that didn’t bode well. She might not care who Oliver’s family was, but she was going to have the spend the next forty-eight hours in their company. What would they do once they found out Oliver was marrying some woman they’d never met? A woman Oliver apparently thought of as a masochistic dictator.

Oh, she and Oliver were definitely going to have words about that once they were alone!

She leaned her head against the window, looking out at the skyline as they approached the city. Starling really was a mecca of technology. Huge skyscrapers with names like Merlyn Global, Kord Enterprises, and Queen Consolidated rose up in the distance, a collection of some of the biggest tech companies on the west coast all in one place.

Queen…

Felicity spun in her seat suddenly, her ponytail whipping Oliver in the face as she did. He ran a hand over his chin, looking annoyed, but it quickly faded when he saw the look in her eyes.

“Your last name is Queen?” she hissed quietly, then glanced over to make sure Thea was still fixated on her cellphone. Once she was certain the girl couldn’t hear them, she added, “As in Queen Consolidated?”

Oliver opened his mouth then closed it, before running a hand over the back of his neck. When he looked up at her it was with a sheepish smile.

“Yeah, uh… About that…”

“What the hell, Oliver?” She didn’t even know what to begin to think. Oliver was a Queen, AKA one of the wealthiest families on the west coast. AKA the owners of one of the biggest tech companies in the country. AKA the freaking competition! “Are you a corporate spy?”

“What?!” He glanced over at Thea himself, but the twenty year old was still lost in a world of her own, completely oblivious to them. Still, he mouthed for her to shush, then leaned closer to whisper in her ear. “No, of course not.”

"That's exactly what a spy would say!" He cocked his head, clearly exasperated, and she shrugged. “Well, then… what?”

It didn’t make any sense. He was the heir to one of the largest companies on the west coast. Much larger than Palmer Tech. To be fair, Queen Consolidated was much older and had originally been more into production. They’d had factories all over the country, and it was only in the past decade or so that they’d switched over to the tech sector, creating software and technology for other corporations and even the government. She’d almost taken a job there when she’d first graduated from MIT. The only reason she didn’t was because the only position they’d had available was as an IT consultant, which was so far beneath her abilities she’d had to pass, even fresh out of college. It wasn’t like she’d been hard up on job offers though. Which wasn’t the point. The point was, it made no sense for Oliver to be working as her assistant when he was the son of actual billionaires.

He had to be a spy. Oh god, she was marrying a spy. He was going to get arrested for corporate espionage and she was going to go down with him. Why couldn’t he have just been a fugitive?

“Felicity,” Oliver said, sliding his hand into hers. She flinched, just slightly, but didn’t pull away. “I promise I will explain all of this to you later, okay? Just trust me.”

She nodded, but continued silently freaking out as they moved through the city. His hand in hers was solid and warm, but it didn’t relieve her anxiety this time. She wasn’t sure anything would at this point.

#olicity fanfiction #olicity fic #olicity au #the proposal (an olicity fic)

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argentarium · 7 years

Text

kara sevda (4) ↠ stilinski

author ; fessa

rating ; 18+ nsfw

pairing ; fuckboy!stiles X oc!reader

word count ; 1987

warnings ; angst?? , i cant even tell you this time idk how i feel about this part, i feel like this is trash except the dream scene but oh well

a/n ; wait… did you guys really think i wasn’t going to post another part? well you were wrong.. don’t ever judge a book by it’s cover

i. ii. iii. -

*not my gif*

kara sevda

/noun/

1. blinding love;

literally translates as “black love”

The blaring noise of his alarm clock caused the spastic boy to jerk awake from his recurring dream. As he sat up, he clutched his head in his hand, wiping up the cold sweat, thinking of the details and trying to remember if anything changed.

Your voice echoed through his ears as a light giggle caused him to sit up in his bed. His room was no longer the same; everything was pure white: the walls, his blankets, his pillows, and even his clothes. Stiles was naturally inquisitive and, as curious as his white-washed bedroom was, he could not help but follow the sweet, soft and inviting sound of your laughter.

Slowly, the familiar giggle began to die down, but he could not let go of your voice. He felt compelled to pursue it, not wanting the precious noise that was your laughter to leave his ears. Stiles rushed to his door and swung it open, revealing not his hallway but a golden light, shimmering in his eyes. He held up his hand, blocking out some of the rays, but his eyes still squinted as he began walking a few steps and found himself inside a grand meadow of beautiful, blooming, blue jasmine.

Your melodic laughter made contact with his ears again, and the instinct to find you overtook him again. He scanned the meadow until he laid his eyes upon you. You were across the field, decorating a young lamb with flowers, nurturing the small creature with your gentle touch. Stiles, however, was not just watching your actions, he was gazing at you with awe. He found himself entranced with the way your head fell back, laughing more when the lamb nibbled at you as your natural hair reflected the warm light. All the bright hues of azure contrasted with your long, ivory dress – which Stiles worried would get dirty from the grass – and he was truly able to see you happy.

You never looked like this before and never in his life had he seen you look so beautiful. Stiles had never seen your hair down before and he had never seen you calm either, it was always homework, quizzes, and tests which always had to not just be passed, but absolutely aced.

“Stiles!” He heard you call out, causing him to snap out of his trance. “Stiles! Come help me add more flowers!” He saw you flashing a kind and warm smile towards him. Stiles could not and would not say no for anything in the world. Nothing was going to stop him from being with you now that he finally saw you, for what you really were: radiating beauty, inside and out.

Once he finally reached you, he watched you stand up and brush off a bit of debris that had caught on your dress. You leaned back down and picked a flower out of the earth next to you. You held it out, delicately brushing the petals out before looking up at him. “I picked this one just for you. It’s the most beautiful one here, don’t you think?” You said softly, holding it out for him. “You deserve the best, Stiles. Here.” Stiles did not have to think twice about taking the flower.

As soon as he went to grasp the flower, however, something else happened. The flower disappeared and a wooden stake appeared to be tightly held in his hand, already have impaled your chest. Stiles’s eyes widened in disbelief, “No, no, Y/N, I swear I didn’t-”

“Why did you do this to me, Stiles?” You sobbed between coughing spurts of blood. “What have you done?” Stiles looked between you and the lamb, which was quickly dying too. The harmless creature looked as if it was stabbed along with you as it laid on its side with a large gash in its stomach. From the lamb’s stomach oozed something other than blood but some type of black substance. Stiles looked from the lamb back to you in shock and horror.

You were hunched over, tear stains all over your face, your throat burning from the coughing up of the metallic liquid on your tongue. Your pure white dress was no longer pure, nor was the beautiful field. It was now a dark, inhabitable area with bats flying around, bothering the corpse of the lamb. Stiles lurched forward suddenly, seeing as you were about to topple over. He caught you in his arms and held you, letting your head rest on his knees as he caressed your face. “No, no, no, stay with me Min, stay with me..” Stiles began to cry. Your breaths became weaker, and more blood spurted out of your mouth involuntarily. “No! Don’t do this Y/N, don’t-”

“Rise and shine, kid, it’s time to go to school.” Noah announced resting on the doorframe, knocking on the door, coffee in hand. “I’m heading down to the station, make sure to be on time for school.”

Lifting up his head, Stiles flashed a flat smile to his dad, waving the sheriff off. Stiles sighed, pushing himself off of his bed and picking up a few shirts lying around his room, sniffing them until he came across one which did not reek lacrosse as much as the others.

Stiles’s days were dark, ever since his mistake he had been spiraling. He promised himself he would not have sex with you because if he did, he would know that everything would be ruined. He reminded himself day by day to not even try anything on you since you were the only girl who was truly in his life considering that Lydia barely acknowledged him and Allison did not count.

It wasn’t like he was desperate but he knew he couldn’t get a girl to stay. It didn’t take him so long to make himself a sex legend in the school, but that was all he had because other than that he was just a nerdy kid, the bench warmer, and the slowest runner on the lacrosse team. He couldn’t impress any girl with his spastic, know-it-all personality enough to make them stay.

With this being said, if Stiles couldn’t just entice one of the many girls he has been with, how was he ever going to make you stay?

What seemed like a headstrong, cocky, egotistical high school fuckboy was all a lie but he was an insecure boy with attachment issues. Stiles believed one way or another, no matter what you did to even protest, you would leave him for what he did to you

He simply stopped the inevitable from happening by just ripping off the bandaid now. The pain lasts for a moment before you don’t even remember why it hurt.. but why was he still hurting?

Dwelling on the thought made him want to try to get you back. And Stiles wanted you to be his best friend but he broke a promise to himself, doing the unthinkable to you. You were a piece of artwork, only to gaze at, not to touch.

Stiles felt no different than anytime else. School hadn’t changed, coach hadn’t changed, and he simply was stuck in this stagnant point where he was so fixated on being indifferent.

Stiles was walking out of chemistry when he noticed something did not feel right. He noticed you were not in class like how he noticed every single time you were absent otherwise yet he still forced his toxic self to stay away from you. As he was treading along the hallways of Beacon Hills High School, he noticed the janitor rummaging through your locker.

Somehow, the mere act of invasion sparked something in the teenager which was not present in his system for weeks. A mild fury rushed over him as his facial features contorted to fit this slightest bit of emotion he finally revealed.

“Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Stiles jabbed at the worker. “You can’t just go through someone’s stuff, that’s invasion of privacy!”

The janitor sighed boredly, turning to the overzealous boy. “I’m just doing my job, kid.” He shrugged, pulling out pieces of papers and dropping them in the trashcan next to him.

“Well, she’s going to come back and see all her stuff has disappeared!” Stiles hissed, placing his hands on his hips as he waited for the janitor to stop his actions.

“How would she know if it disappeared if she does not go to this school anymore?” The janitor sassed at Stiles, rolling his eyes as he tugged a random picture off of locker door and let it fall in the trash.

Stiles’s eyes softened, his head slightly tilting, “What?” He whispered in a faint tone.

“Listen, kid,” The janitor began as he reached in his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, showing off what looked like a list of chores, “Whoever this is left the school,” he pointed to the specific point on the list, “and this whole thing has everything I need to finish today so if you could just get to class, my life would be much easier.”

Stiles was in the midst of shock as he stared at the middle-aged man. He did not expect you to leave Beacon Hills, let alone not even mention it. Then again, Stiles remembered everything he said to you and instantly regretted it.

“Uh.. Why don’t you just do whatever’s next on your list, I can finish this for you.” Stiles offered, his eyes locking on the picture the janitor set in the trash bin.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in-“

“Great! So by the time you’re back this will be all cleaned out!” Stiles faked his eagerness as he pushed in the way of the janitor and began to take out loads of papers, which created more of a mess.

The janitor put his hands up in surrender, “Alright, kid, have at it.” He sighed, walking away. “Weird…” he muttered under his breath and Stiles snapped his head towards him and glared at the back of the man’s head.

Stiles soon forgot about the janitor and reached in the trashcan, pulling out the photo strip from a photobooth you two created a memory at. Stiles reminisced on that day, he remembered going ice skating with Lydia, Allison, and Scott, having a blast spending time with his crush until Lydia had some sort of episode. He knew he had to take you with him one day and he did, and he admit to himself he had a much better time with you.

It was a continuous cycle, a picture or a pen, even a piece of paper with writing triggered a memory of when he was still your best friend. He stood there the whole class period, not caring if he skipped or what the consequences were. All the bottled up emotions were seeping through and he did not want to make it stop.

As soon as the bell rang, Scott came walking out of his class and walked down the halls to his next class. He wanted to see his best friend again, to see how he was doing or if he was any better today than the other days. As Scott was nearing his next class he saw Stiles against a vacant locker, staring at something in his hands.

Scott walked up to Stiles to see what he was up to. Once Scott got closer he was able to notice the glossiness in Stiles’s eyes and feel his sorrow while he took a look at the strip of pictures.

Scott was eventually going to tell Stiles about your leave but he was beat to it. He looked between the motionless Stiles and the picture before clearing his throat, “Hey.” He said simply, waiting for Stiles to yell at him for not saying anything to him.

Stiles quietly turned to Scott, his eyes teary, “I messed up.”

tags :) ; @squirels-angels-and-moose @were-cheetah-stiles @shameless-danni @danopeg @aestheticallytrashysunflower @lcnelykth @rememberstilinski @wydobrien @amethystmerm4id @charmedjeri @itskatiemahoney @leilaelizabth @pufflethehuff @parislight @unfoxs @infinitydunbar @ellie-bee242 @iknowisoundcrazy @mieczzyslaw @gluetwentyfourobrien @xqueenarianax @danielisnotonbranding @iknowisoundcrazy @surpeme-bean @maddie110201 @danny-the-coolest @stilinski-lover-24 @vogue-sweetie @stilinski-stydia-obrien @codysdimples @awkwarddly @xmadwonderland @oneshot-obsessed

and an amazing special thank you & dedication to cat ( @were-cheetah-stiles ) because without her, i wouldnt have made it through in terms of writing this part

#teen wolf #stiles stilinski #kara sevda #teen wolf imagines #teen wolf images #Stiles #Stilinski

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attina-the-responsible · 7 years

Text

How to Deal with the Aftermath According to Mermaids ~*~ [Mersisters]

In which the sisters check in...

@andrina-the-amazingsupergenius, @aquata-the-bold, @alana-the-badbitch, @ariel-the-rebellious

[tw -- mentions of murder and horrible stuff like that, ptsd, some gore, etc etc]

Andrina so how long until i can make hell puns

Aquata go for it, just start them now Aquata for real though, is everyone good?

Alana just dandy

Attina mhm mhm

Alana the real question is how is andrina Alana how was married life

Andrina god thank u i was waiting for someone to ask Andrina its not like i was MARRIED TO AL MCWIGGIN OR ANYTHING Andrina imagine being married to a WOW avatar Andrina thats what it was like

Attina don't they normally have nice bodies?

Alana Hey dad bods are in

Andrina im not even talking about the body im talking about how they talk and think and act and hammer at swords Andrina i swear it was like i was transported into an episode of Game of Thrones

Attina sounds harrowing

Ariel Do we have to talk about it?

Alana I want all the nitty gritty mcwiggin sex details

Andrina well we could shove it down for years until we all start manifesting split personalities and other mental disorders

Attina honestly,

Andrina u know like we did with mom lmao

Attina we don't have disorders. or split personalities.

Ariel Please don't talk about Mom.

Aquata sure we don't

Alana we r all dandy Alana that's my word of the week

Andrina i didnt talk about mom i mentioned her off hand as an example Andrina im all set to talk about how great i looked in that toga Andrina or honestly alana did you tap that

Attina andrina.

Andrina WHAT its an honest question Andrina if im gonna talk about mcwiggin i want Hot Daddy Ginger details

Alana duh

Attina alana! how /old/ is that man?

Alana idk it didnt come up Alana your age lol? Alana he was my husband, atty we were in love~~

Andrina mcwiggin's older than me i think

Attina were you in love? like--other you?

Alana other me was sold off because it was a good match Alana and she enjoyed the lavish lifestyle and the hot dude idk man

Andrina you know what i should have asked

Alana real me was like oh man what if im stuck here might as well have fun Alana carpet matches the drapes yes

Andrina how much they paid for me Andrina really?? im insatiably curious

Ariel They didn't really pay for us. I mean, not real them

Alana al was p rich you mustve been a catch

Andrina yeah i wanna know how many goats/bags of wheat/coins i went for Andrina do you think al knows Andrina do u think if i text him it would be weird Andrina "hi how much did u pay for me"

Alana no do it Alana i bet you were at least two goats

Attina it wasn't even our husbands who paid, it was their owners Attina GOD owners.

Andrina wow two whole goats, how many meals can u get outta goats Andrina omg guys my master was quite fit actually he was A Big Deal

Alana ider who mine were--uh Alana lmaoo #awkward

Ariel He didn't own you. It wasn't real. Dash wouldn't want to own anybody, and his family wouldn't either Ariel It was all like a bad dream I just Ariel want to forget it

Attina [unsent] well maybe if you hadn't RAN AWAY you would've been FINE

Alana did howl throw a party too big Alana i heard it was a rager Alana wouldve gone if Ginger Daddy and i didnt have other evening plans

Andrina ariel couldn't you have just had some of that water then? Andrina seriously i have some if you want it

Ariel I don't... I don't know. I want to forget but... I don't want to forget all of it. I have some water too, just in case, but... I really don't know. I don't want to be like you said. I don't want to repress it again.

Alana what are u repressing was this that bad Alana i mean the escort thing was hella annoying

Ariel I don't want to talk about it.

Andrina ariel, i get that, i do but-- you realize that is repressing it too right?

Aquata then why keep bringing it up

Alana ^^

Ariel I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk about it and I want to forget it but I don't want to forget everything because that's not going to help either I just didn't realize thinking about Mom would hurt this much Ariel I'm sorry

Andrina well i think we should all talk about it then. rip it off like a bandaid

Ariel I didn't know I would see her down there Ariel I didn't know I would see

Alana you didnt know you would see our dead mum in the land of the dead

Aquata ....

Ariel I didn't think I would watch her die.

Alana [unsent] lmao same tho but not mum ok woops nope Alana it was one of the Alana idk underworld things

Ariel Over and over again and I couldn't stop it.

Alana they play tricks on you so ive heard in the gossip train

Andrina oh right like it wasnt real it wasnt how she actually died

Ariel But what if it was? Ariel It was so awful Ariel It's all I can see, just replaying and replaying over and over

Aquata then drink the water

Alana yeah jeez Alana no point in being noble if you cant lift your own head up

Ariel But then I'll forget the good things, too.

Andrina how about you tell us all the good things?

Alana such as,,

Ariel The good things that happened and all the good stuff I remembered.

Andrina you write them down for yourself

Alana very detailed

Andrina then you'll still have them. you can remind yourself and we can tell you that its real

Ariel But can you tell me how it felt? All those memories with Jim being so nice to me and helping me and playing with me when we were younger and telling me that he would keep me safe? Ariel Can you tell me about how Jim was there for me every step of the way? Ariel How can you explain how good of a person he was to me if you can't tell me about seeing Mom's death?

Aquata holy shit it was a fake life you know him in real life, right? you know what hes like already

Alana look kiddo, that's the stuff you gotta let go of because that was some fake mumbo jumbo past that we all got stuck with

Andrina That's why you write it all down and you tell yourself. Andrina and honestly yeah-- that isnt the real jim and you should like jim for jim, not for fake jim.

Ariel But it was real Jim that was there with me in hell

Aquata i was engaged but whatever

Ariel I mean - it was Pleiades too, but it was also Jim

Aquata HOLY SHIT NO IT WASNT Aquata IT Aquata WAS Aquata FAKE

Alana yah thank god or andrina and al would be banging

Aquata that crazy bitch created it. it wasnt real. end of story.

Andrina the horror, the horror,

Ariel Jim being with me in hell wasn't FAKE, it was REAL. I was there. I saw it and felt it all, and so did he. The past lives may have been fake but what we went through was REAL

Andrina Seriously-- I think you should write down the stuff that you like then. I do. Jim will understand that the other stuff is just too painful to death with right now. He'd want you to be okay, Ariel, however you need to be okay.

Alana ariel i have no bloody idea what you want us to tell you that andrina has not repeated ten times now

Aquata then do what andy said, write down the good memories, and drink the damn water because you cant complain about the bad and then immediately not want to forget the good

Alana atty where r u we need parental guidance

Andrina ok chill out aquata she can complain if she wants Andrina we dont need atty to be decent fucking sisters

Alana she listens to atty

Ariel It's okay, nevermind. I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget it

Alana so i think itll mean more coming from her Alana fineee just trying to help

Andrina Ariel, it's not okay. Look, if you don't want to forget about it, then thats' fine. If you want to like, talk about it and stuff, we should talk about it. I joke but yeah it wasnt exactly fun not knowing where my sisters were and watching daily executions by some whacked out nutjob

Andrina so you can talk to me ok

Ariel I just want to know how you guys have done this for so long

Alana done what

Attina Look, everyone. Nothing about this experience was something anyone has gone through before. Which means we have no idea how to deal with it and YELLING at each other isn't the way to fix it. We need to be patient and understanding towards one another. Ariel, I'm so sorry about what you went through. But, you have to realize that you hurt us by LEAVING. You didn't tell anyone where you were. I thought you were dead. Daddy thought you were dead. I thought I'd lost you and I don't know exactly what went on for you but for a good twelve hours, all /I/ could see was /you/ dying over and over in a thousand different ways. We need to come /together/, and be open and willing to talk to each other during times like this. Otherwise we'll just splinter apart, and I know none of you want that.

Alana oh there u r

Ariel I thought I was doing the right thing. Not telling anyone I was going. I didn't want anyone to worry. I just wanted to go and save everyone, but I couldn't

Attina No. You couldn't. Because we're supposed to make these decisions /together/ as a family. We're weak apart.

Aquata we're not weak

Ariel I don't believe that

Alana whoa okay speak for yourself Alana that was for atty not u ariel

Andrina look im just so glad that you're okay and im proud of you for trying ariel. we shouldn't be talking about any of this over text though

Attina and this is exactly why all of you get into trouble!

Ariel I don't know how else to talk about it Ariel No one ever does

Andrina well that means we can't do it wrong huh? we'll all just kinda fumble it up together but at least we'll be in the same room

Ariel If I get into trouble for trying to save you all, then I'm fine with that!

Alana better get into trouble than be boring

Attina I'd rather be boring and alive than whatever you think you're being and /dead/.

Alana im not sure who youre yelling at here because im not the one who ran off into the land of the dead Alana theres a difference between oh lana broke curfew and oh ariel and kid hero jim hawkins decide to save the world

Andrina can we like not yell at each other at all how about that Andrina whats done is done

Ariel If Attina would stop pretending she knows everything, maybe there wouldn't be any yelling

Aquata holy shit

Alana i think you scared her off ariel

Andrina i hereby move to wipe this text history and start over Andrina who seconds my motion

Ariel I didn't want to scare her off, she just was talking like I didn't know what I was doing

Attina I don't think I know everything, but I know not to run off to HELL to try to save the world on some selfish delusion of grandeur.

Ariel I knew what I was doing

Alana ohp too late andy

Attina oh really, is that why you're so terrified you can barely speak?

Ariel I wasn't being SELFISH, I was trying to SAVE everyone. To save YOU. And Aquata and Alana and Andrina and Arista and Adella and Daddy and myself Ariel EVERYONE

Attina BULLSHIT ariel, we were perfectly fine.

Ariel You were SLAVES Ariel we were SLAVES Ariel people were in a JAIL in PRISON Ariel people were EXECUTED Ariel How could you even say that?

Attina THOSE PEOPLE WEREN'T /US/ THEY DON'T MATTER

Alana this isnt some YA book a 17 year old does not save the day Alana i mean realistically

Ariel Of course they matter!

Alana if you wanna do something you gotta work within your means

Ariel Why are our lives more valuable than anyone else's??

Alana cold, atty

Ariel I can't believe you would even say that!!! Ariel What if Paul had been in prison?? His life doesn't matter???

Attina not as much as yours, or any of you.

Ariel That's not right

Attina and i'm sure he'd say the same thing. his babies are more important than me to him. which is how it should be.

Andrina glad we're casually debating morals and ethics

Alana anyone want a face mask

Ariel I'm not going to apologize for doing what I thought was the right thing, for trying to help everyone

Aquata how about a shot instead

Alana im game

Attina I'll take that shot.

Andrina this reminds me of something my darling mcwiggin said to me

Attina Or two or three. Attina just give me the whole bottle.

Aquata or the whole bottle

Alana jinx now you guys cant talk till i say your name

Aquata too bad

Alana what did mcwiggin say

Andrina nice, digital high five

Alana wow now you get 7 years of bad luck aqua :C

Andrina he said, andrina, you are the most beautiful creature i've ever seen Andrina (we'd just finished making love under the sunset) Andrina and i was like u know what al tiberius mcwiggen

Aquata shit im doomed forever

Alana that's poetic

Andrina you're right.

Attina now i need two bottles

Alana next movie night's gonna be awkward when we pick up the dvd

Aquata you need to go hit him up andy Aquata were sending you to get it

Andrina alas, it cannot be Andrina he has another lover

Ariel Maybe if she gets drunk she'll actually step off her high horse and say something that doesn't involve her knowing what's best and always being right

Aquata for fucks sake

Alana i h8 to break it to you ariel but atty has like nine years more experience of like existing in the world Alana and interacting with it

Ariel That doesn't make her right about everything

Attina Whatever, Ariel. You're the one who needs to come off your high horse. Don't come crying to me when someone knocks you off it.

Alana makes her more right when it comes to dealing with shit

Ariel I won't. You'd just yell at me, anyways. It's all you know how to do.

Alana thats not true she cleans very well

Andrina she also makes killer lemon squares

Attina Well if you weren't a brat, then I wouldn't yell at you.

Andrina probably not as delicious as the delicacies that al tiberius mcwiggin purchased for me from the market but close

Alana you gotta hit him up

Ariel I'm not being a BRAT, don't CALL me that

Andrina he has another LOVER what am i to do

Alana flash your tits Alana age old triton advice

Aquata does he /really/ though

Andrina he doesnt like me for my tits 😟 Andrina he likes me for my personality 😟

Alana gasp Alana the horror

Andrina i know tbh maybe he's gay Andrina no he's not he made wild and passionate love to me

Alana did u guys like Alana do it as yourselves

Attina Well, stop acting like one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Andrina 69

Alana like not fake selves

Andrina corkscrew Andrina monkey Andrina koala

Alana koala

Andrina all that and more

Alana nice use of the shrug emoji, atty Alana 10/10

Ariel I am NOT acting like one! You can't keep treating me like I don't know anything and like you know everything because you DON'T. Just because you're older that doesn't make you all wise or something. In fact, most of the time you don't know what to do - you can't even flirt with a boy and you're way older than I am! Ariel So STOP being such a rude, bossy know-it-all, I'm sick of it!

Aquata ummm im pretty sure she /can/ flirt with a boy considering shes been on a couple dates with paul?

Alana ouch ariel low blow

Aquata thats neither here nor there though

Andrina oh right we also did the flying ninja Andrina his form was impeccable Andrina for such a robust man, he's graceful in the bedroom

Attina Fine, if you want me to stop babying you. FINE. Consider it done. You're officially NOT MY CONCERN.

Alana i did not need that imagery thanks

Ariel GOOD. I don't NEED to be your concern. I SHOULDN'T be.

Alana is THIS random CAPS thing something WE'RE doing NOW

Andrina hOW exCitING

Aquata can we not

Ariel You moved out. I already have to deal with Daddy. I shouldn't have to deal with you BOSSING me around and saying you know best like this. You're not Mom

Alana low blow ariel

Aquata so about that shot Aquata or bottle

Alana i can swing by ur room in 5, aqua Alana i have malibu

Aquata get here in 2 then Aquata because i need the entire bottle rn

Alana so demanding Alana omw

#bdrpandrina #bdrpadella #bdrparista #bdrpaquata #bdrpalana #coral #attilla #attista #aquafina #atlanta #coral texts #attilla texts #attista texts #aquafina texts #atlanta texts #texts #how to deal with the aftermath according to mermaids #ariel archive

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theclacks · 7 years

Text

Buffy Thoughts - S6E19 (Seeing Red)

Thirteen year old spoilers below the read more.

Actually it wasn’t as bad as that.

I was spoiled for the Buffy/Spike attempted rape scene even before I started watching the show. And I’m actually kind of glad it happened? Like, I’m not glad that it happened, but I’m glad it happened where it did because for whatever reason, I thought it was going happen in Season 7. I thought it was going to be, like, ANGST for the rest of season 6, some relationship repair in season 7, and THEN the attempted rape, and then STRAIGHT BACK TO ANGST for the rest of the show.

So in that sense, the attempted rape scene was like an angst bandaid being ripped quickly off.

...that might be the worst metaphor I’ve ever written.

I blame Joss Whedon.

...

And then Tara.

Whoo boy. I’ve had so many conflicting spoilers with them.

I went into this show thinking Willow was going to die (I’m 96% sure she doesn’t now). Then I got that spoiler somewhat corrected with another spoiler, aka Tara dying but not really dying because it was a memory loss thing like Donna Noble losing all her memories in Doctor Who. So when Glory brainsucked her in Season 5, I thought that was the end of Tara.

But then it wasn’t.

And THEN when looking up character details for a completely other random character, in the extra info section, there was a footnote about Tara. AKA Tara’s last episode is the episode that she’s in the opening credits. And I was like “FFFFU----” because now I’d be pre-warned.

But I was only half-paying attention to the opening credits for this episode.

And then the gunshot happened.

And Tara fell.

And I was like “........no. I didn’t see Tara in the opening credits. This can’t be it. They’ve just gotten back together. She wasn’t in the opening credits. I didn’t see her in the opening credits.”

And then as soon as the end credits started rolling I went back to the opening credits and, sure enough...

And I was just like:

SHE WAS SUCH A BRO THIS SEASON TOO. WHICH ALMOST MAKES IT WORSE BECAUSE I’M SURE JOSS WAS LIKE, “HEY? DO YOU KNOW WHAT BE GOOD FOR THIS CHARACTER WE’RE PLANNING TO KILL OFF? LET’S GIVE HER EXTRA AWESOME LINES AND AWESOME LOOKS AT THE CAMERA AND JUST MAKE HER AWESOME, JUST SO THAT THE KNIFE DIGS IN THAT MUCH DEEPER.”

And then I immediately thought, “Willow can raise Buffy from the dead! She can totally raise Tara, morality be dammed.”

And then I thought, “WAIT. SHIT. She needed that super rare urn thing to do that and that went and got broke in S6E2.”

And then now part of me wants to do a ranting thing on the death of lesbian couples in fiction, except part of me wants to give Whedon some slack because this Buffy and characters have a high mortality rate in general, except THEN I really think about it, and none of the other Scoobies have permanently died yet, except THEN I think back to actual relationship and how it got afforded pretty much all of the same things that the het relationships on the show did: meet cute, to growing friendship, to actual relationship status (and the Oz/WIllow/Tara episode remains the only episode I’ve cried at because Amber Benson’s acting was that raw), to an entire season of together, to rocky patch, to break up, to slow reconciliation...

And, it’s like, I look sideways and there’s IDK, Steven Moffat’s current incarnation of Doctor Who, which has a lesbian married couple, but it’s pretty much their whole identity and they always talk about being wives but they don’t have any domestic or physical interactions and, to date, their one filmed kiss was a super zoomed in shot of them having to “share breath.”

And suddenly I can’t get mad at anything Willow/Tara when there’s that kind of shit in the world.

So yeah.

Now that I’ve got the serious stuff out of my system, I want to end this reaction post on a somewhat lighter note and give out a special “aww hell no” to Buffy, who finally disclosed her relationship to Spike (sort of) but did it in a way that left out the part about her dumping him weeks ago so that everyone (most notably Dawn) was all, “OMG Spike, how could you sleep with Anya when you knew it would hurt Buffy so much?”

Like SHIT. I already ranted about this in the last episode. Anya got dumped. Spike got dumped. THEY DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER TO ANYBODY.

And obviously that is nowhere near as bad as the attempted rape, but I am judging them individually for their separate actions. (I am Team Punch Spike for Trying to Rape Buffy, not Team Punch Spike for Sleeping With Anya.)

On a completely lighter note, Clem is now official the best character.

If he dies too, I’m done.

#buffy the vampire slayer #btvs #///#////#/////#clacks from theclacks

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avasilvugh · 7 years

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TELL ME! I always love your thoughts!

BLESS U

so the all the kids love their moms a Whole Heck of a Lot right and obviously kara and lena love their kiddos more than words can describe and its not that there’s any favoritism?? at all, like none, its just that stella is sort of naturally closer to lena?? in the same way that finn and maia are sort of naturally closer to kara, like there’s a certain sort of distance created when you’re a kid and you physically can’t Be a certain way around one of your parents

so there’s not distance per se but just....things that kara can do with finn and maia that she cant do with stella and things that lena can do with stella that she cant do with finn and maia

and its not a Thing but then it sort of becomes a Thing ?? not so much for finn and maia bc lena and kara have gotten creative in making sure that lena’s always been able to be as involved in their lives as kara

but heres the deal: maia and finn have kara’s powers and kara trains them. that’s cool, thats fine, stella gets why she does; kara takes them to the deo with her a lot and they punch cars together (especially maia, she’s got a Lot of Rage to work through) and they go flying and kara helps them practice control over their powers and stella can’t help but feel a little left out?? bc for the most part, because her siblings are in control of their powers, they have the option to do everything she can with lena but stella doesnt have the same option with kara

and she hides it rlly well! she does! bc its not kara’s fault and its not finn and maia’s fault, its just how they are, and stella decides it has to be her fault which in turn feeds into the dark thoughts she already has bc, you know, empath that acts as an emotional sponge for the world

kara and lena both notice little stella withdrawing, kara notices its more around her than lena and is like..heartbroken. just fucking devastated bc holy shit what did she do how did this happen she fucked up she fucked up and lena tries to comfort her but she’s p worried too like fuck whats going on

and it doesnt help that stella can literally feel everything that they feel??? so she just shoves her feelings down even more and bounces back and then it boils over and this one in her class says her brother said that her brother is a word that makes stella shake with anger and she just hauls off and punches the girl

lena’s usually the parent the school calls first but she’s in opal city for a conference so lena calls kara, then the school calls kara and she’s in the middle of an interview and she let lena go to voicemail bc if its urgent she’ll call back but then she’s like “crap, it’s my daughter’s school” and her subject (idk wonder woman or smth) is like “omg no don’t worry, family first” and is super understanding when kara bolts

and like.......she would have expected this from maia, maybe (maia, who still takes the supplement that suppresses her powers bc she doesnt trust herself not to, maia, who gets so numb she just sometimes hits stuff just to feel something) but not stella?? not tiny little stella that used to sob when she accidentally pulled lena’s hair as a toddler or completely forgot kara had superstrength and would apply bandaid after bandaid when she bumped her elbow on the table

so she gets to the school and stella’s just Not Talking, in full shut down like she gets when she gets fried from the world (its sort of sensory overload?? thats the best way to describe it) and she shies away when kara reaches for her, tries to tip her face up to get a better look at the black eye she’s got forming

pls note that stella’s maybe eleven and still Small and she looks even tinier to kara now, looks more like the baby she pulled out of an abandoned car on the pier, and kara’s heart twists and twists at the way stella wont look at her

so she lays her phone on the chair next to stella and marches into the principals office and, while she agrees that stella shouldnt have resorted to violence, she also fully trusts and believes that her daughter wouldnt do anything without reason and she just verbally eviscerates the other mom, who tries to make it out like her daughter hasnt been harassing stella for years or anything (bc kara fucking commits every name to memory, every person that has ever hurt her kids, remembers their names what they said or did and she seethes bc she cant ?? fix all their problems for them???)

and when she marches back out, stella’s playing candy crush and has managed to escape with only suspension for the rest of the day and she still wont look at kara but she grabs onto kara’s hand with surprising force and kara’s like Okay, everything is going to be Okay

eventually stella says it, not to kara, but to alex bc she cant face her mom, either of her moms, with this, not when she’ll feel everything kara feels and she cant handle how it’ll hurt her to know that stella feels so angry and so useless, feels like she cant keep up with kara so she doesnt feel like she should even try, like she doesnt deserve to be kara zor-el’s daughter

so alex asks if she cant tell this to kara and stella sort of sobs out a please and alex is a lot better at compartmentalizing, which is a skill stella appreciates bc it means all she can feel is alex’s love for her, kindness, warmth, not the way alex’s heart is breaking for her youngest niece

so alex tells kara and kara is fucking devastated like holy shit how did she not see this and alex and lena both are like hey its okay, she buries her feelings, thats part of her powers and lena’s like i didnt see it either but none of it helps bc kara’s like i failed her, i failed my kid

stella usually carpools w/ her best friend home or to lena’s office after school but kara all but demands an afternoon off, storming into snapper’s office and throwing him for like.....several loops with the way she basically tells him she’s taking this thursday and every thursday hereafter off. and she calls ari’s mom to tell her that she’s picking up stella and she’s the first car at pick up and she picked up stella’s favorite drink from starbucks on her way over and her heart sort of twists a little at the obvious surprise on stella’s face to see her but she works extra hard to box that up and it must be working because stella’s stormy expression has already cleared a bit by the time she makes it to the car

when they pull up to the deo, stella figures that it must be time for her like biannual brain scans, to see how she’s matching up with other telepathic aliens bc they still dont know that much abt her species, but then kara’s guiding her down a different hallway, still just chatting with her abt her day and stuff like that

they walk into one of the Many training rooms and stella’s like ????? and kara tosses her a gym bag from a locker that stella notices has her name on it and is like i know it’s really hard to not be able to do what your brother and sister can and i am so sorry that i never saw how much you’re struggling. and i know its not fair that you dont get to punch cars with us, but you can punch this punching bag and talk to me and stella’s sort of overwhelmed?? but in a good way for once

so thats how they start spending thursday afternoons. kara has alex teach stella proper form after that first day and then they figure out a routine—kara greets stella with a snack afterschool and they head to the deo and dont talk about the heavy stuff until after stella’s changed, after kara’s wrapped stella’s hands, until stella’s gotten a few good punches in, kara steadying the bag. then it all starts coming out, all the terrible thoughts stella has, all the horrible things she feels that arent even her feelings to begin with, all these awful orphaned emotions that she takes on without meaning to

the system works rlly well bc stellas too wrapped up in her own head, in her words and in making sure she’s in the proper stance, throwing her weight the right way to notice anything kara’s thinking or feeling which is good bc she’s a kid and she shouldnt be worried about her mom’s stuff, she should just feel safe enough to let kara carry some of the burden

THIS GOT RLLY LONG AND I HAVE MORE SO ITS UNDER THE CUT SRY

IM GOING TO SCREAM ABT THE DYNAMIC BTWN THE KIDDOS FOR A MINUTE OKAY

finn is the Ultimate big brother but he is So Soft oh my god. like?? he Will Not hurt anyone, he refuses to but the absolute second it looks like someone’s fucking with his sisters he makes it seem like he is absolutely willing to hurt someone. he’s only hit someone once, and that’s this one guy that was pulling shit with stella he shouldnt have been (stella was visiting finn at college and definitely wasnt supposed to be at the omega phi party but well u kno how dumb teenagers can be) and finn punched him once, with nowhere near his full strength and the asshole cried and finn only felt a little bad

but ! for the most part he’s not the beat ppl up for my sisters kind of brother, he’s the do you wanna talk about it brother, the you’re on your period so i ran over to the corner store and got those stick on heat packs you like and also three pints of ben and jerrys brother, the your date bailed and youre crying in your room and think i cant hear it so i cancelled my plans and now we’re going to have a movie night on the couch, mama ordered chinese food brother

he’s the one that follows maia and cleans up the mess she’s made but only after he’s wrapped her up in the tightest hug he thinks she’ll tolerate and promised not to tell moms anything. he’s the one that helps her keep a lid on it most days, appearing from a classroom and pulling her into it when it looks like she’s about to rip a locker door off its hinges. the one that intervenes with teachers on her behalf after she blows up in class, smoothes things over so their moms dont have to get involved or ever know about it

he’s the one that acts as a buffer for stella a lot of the time, especially when they’re very little. he keeps by her side when she’s very small, still unsteady on her feet and that’s their holding pattern, her stumbling and him right beside her and offering her his hand. he’s the one that acts as a go between for her when the world overwhelms her and, ranking just below their moms, is one of her favorite people and one of her Certified Safe Places. the list is a small one (basically consisting of lena, kara, finn, alex, maggie, eliza, and j’onn), it’s v prestigious in his opinion

sweet child of mine, i could wax poetic abt how soft and gentle finn is with his sisters and his mothers and the world in general

MAIA IS SUCH A FIRE STARTER OH MY GOD i love her i love her so much but she is destructive as hell. like the best way to describe it is this—u know how soft finn is? he’s kara danvers. maia? kara zor-el when angered. she screams and she rages and she’s a hurricane and she breaks things and burns things but she is so fucking careful with the people she loves and even though she loves flying, she loves not worrying about hurting them more so she keeps her powers suppressed for like.....basically from birth to when she’s about twenty or so and she’s a mess but she’s a mess you call when you’re in a fight in a denny’s parking lot and you know she’ll show up even though it’s 2am and you started the fight

and she loves her family so so much?? so much it hurts??? and she’s not good with feelings like finn and can’t read ppl like stella so she doesn’t know what to do with the way she feels most of the time so she beats ppl up for her siblings without them even having to ask

she finds finn locked in the girls bathroom once and doesnt even say a fucking word, she just storms into the boys locker room and starts threatening ppl until they point her to the ringleader and he well he never messes with finn ever again and quite honestly flinches whenever maia danvers walks into a room

stella gets called a freak? technically maia doesn’t beat the kid up that said it, bc he’s like twelve, but she still intimidates the hell out of him. in college, stella comes out and like most ppl r cool w/ it but this one dude in her freshmen seminar calls her a dyke and stella doesnt even necessarily tell maia, but she’s in the city and has brunch with her the next day and can fucking see it in her face and so she does beat him up

most ppl at school dont realize their mom is Lena Luthor bc she’s mostly known as mrs danvers or maia/finn/stella’s mom/other mom and she rlly looks v different when she’s at the school or at a recital or performance or game, usually in casual clothes with her hair down and sunglasses on, so no one ever rlly puts it together but once maia heard these kids saying that any luthor still standing is a threat, you know? and she sort of destroys them

i mean, to be clear, they r alive

they also dont ever say the name luthor within their high school ever again

when she gets older, she sort of mellows out thanks to age and maturity and also a fuck ton of therapy but she still verbally destroys ppl and is that person that’s always like they’re not treating you right? leave their ass

and stella oh little stella

she’s like very much the baby of the family, like there’s abt five years btwn her and finn and three btwn her and maia and she idolizes her siblings even if she’ll never voice it

she is also a giant brat sometimes like she mercilessly blackmails them for rides and party invites and whatever else she wants (obviously not mercilessly, never about the big stuff, never about anything real) and they know she’d never follow through on her threats but they give her whatever it is she wants anyway bc that’s sort of part of the game they play, you know?

she also takes like.....a lot of care for them. like as much as they protect her, she protects them. she’s usually the first line of defense when things get shitty, bc she feels it?? and is sort of forced into noticing first. when finn starts getting nightmares, it’s stella that clambers into his bed and starts telling him stories. she’s the first to get a Bad Vibe from maia’s bf and she fucking acts on it, tells their moms. she knows when her siblings are happy and she cheers them on so fucking loudly and she knows when theyre hurting and she’s the first to bring them kleenex and snacks

#kara danvers #lena luthor #im yelling this got so long oh my god #supergirl #supercorp #superbabies #thats it thats my tag for this series #tinytoffeebean #human interaction

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