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creepswrites · 1 year

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RED CHRISTMAS | CH 2 (Billy Lenz)

honestly i loved writing Red Christmas so much and i want to write billy lenz that i'm just gonna make a part 2 anyways :) hi black christmas fandom this ones for you

Billy Lenz + Sorority Girls (platonic)

Summary: While Agnes was difficult for reporters to find, Jess was no reporter. She was a studying psychologist and she knew there were answers that only the young girl would have. If she could find her, she might be able to help Billy somehow. (TW: graphic descriptions of murder)

"So let me get this straight," Phyll frowned. She, Peter, and Barb were sat on the couch facing the kitchen, the Christmas tree behind them still aglow with soft, twinkling lights. The awning into the kitchen was a few feet away and with the only light in the living room coming from the tree, it made the harsh, yellow lights in the kitchen stand out against the darkness. Peter held a bag of frozen peas to his eye and glared daggers at Billy, who was in the kitchen with Jess. "Some random dude stays after the party and suddenly he attacks Peter?" Phyll's voice was a whisper, afraid that if she was too loud, Billy would attack her too.

He might, as far as she knew.

Barb snorted, taking a lazy drag from her cigarette. "Honestly, that's reasonable. Petey here is fuckin' annoying sometimes." Peter shot her a glare and she continued, eyes half lidded as she smirked. "Dude looks insane though."

The three turned to stare at the man in question. Billy and Jess were sat at the small kitchen table, each sitting on of the old, worn kitchen chairs. While he stared ahead at nothing, she wrapped his hand with soft, white gauze. His knuckles had bled when he attacked Peter and Jess had immediately fretted over him. Billy trembled slightly, mumbling quietly as Jess worked.

When she was finished, she let his hand fall limp in his lap and watched him. He refused to meet her eyes and instead looked frantically about the room. Billy lifted a hand to chew at his fingernails anxiously. "It's alright," Jess's voice was soft. As terrifying as he was, she still felt pity for him. Clearly something was wrong, she knew that.

She hadn't told anyone he was the Moaner. She partially worried that Billy wouldn't take that identity reveal well.

Jess stood slowly as to not startle him and made her way deeper into the kitchen. She felt eyes on her as she began warming hot chocolate and hummed quietly to herself. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up when she heard her humming echoed from just a few feet behind her but she willed herself to relax.

Surely, if he wanted to hurt her, he would've done so by now.

When the drink was done, Jess kept her back to Billy as she opened the fridge to grab whipped cream. She covered the top of the mug in the stuff and stuck a nearby candy cane inside. "It's a trick Barb showed me," she explained aloud. Billy's eyes were still on her - she could feel them on her almost constantly - and when she turned to hand him the drink, he didn't seem as nervous as before. "It makes the chocolate taste a bit like peppermint."

Billy stared at her and then down at the warm, blue mug. "Peppermint." He repeated, mimicking her accent. "Peppermint. Peppermint."

Jess felt a small smile on her face, despite herself.

He took the drink carefully and stirred it curiously with the candy cane. The white cream began to tint red...

...

Red hot blood hit his face and he heard mommy screaming. He turned slowly, staring at her over his shoulder as she cowered in fear. Billy slammed her boyfriend's face into the hot stove, relishing in his screams and the smell of burnt flesh.

He let go of his head and stalked towards his mother, who cowered in the corner. Nowhere to go. "Billy-! Billy, don't, please, listen to me," she begged. Billy stood above her and tilted his head curiously. "Billy, sweetie, I never- I never meant to-!"

Billy drove the sharp candy cane into her neck, spraying blood all over himself and the cabinets. He left it there, watching the red-white candy turn bright red.

"Silly, silly, silly Billy, what have you done..." He whispered as he stood up, suddenly struck with a sick feeling in his stomach. "Billy, Billy, you broke it. Broke it. Broke it. Nasty, stupid Billy!" The words scraped his throat, mimicking his mothers voice. "Nasty pig bitch!" His voice cracked and he clutched a frying pan in his fist, bringing it down on her skull over and over and over...

...

"Billy?" Jess asked quietly. He looked up at her and was stunned when he couldn't see her. She was blurry. But, with a blink, he could see her again. Tears fell down his cheeks as he stared openly at her.

Jess motioned for him to sit back down in the chair, taking his arm in a gentle hand. "Sorry." He said quietly.

"It's... It's alright." She tried. Liar, Billy thought to himself. But something about the way she would lie to make him feel better... That was more than anyone had ever done for him. It angered him as well as it made something warm ache in his chest. No one but Agnes had ever been this kind to him.

He remembered the girl locked up in the attic. Jess's kindness would disappear as soon as she learnt he'd messed up again. Broke it, Billy thought to himself. He broke the toy again and now he'd be sent back up to the attic. Memories of stuffy, hot spaces littered with dust and cobwebs. Splinters cutting his fingers and soft sobbing as he yanked them out with his teeth as best he could...

Jess put her hands over his, holding the mug with him. Bright green eyes jerked back up to look at her. She didn't look at him with anger or exhaustion, like the way his mother often did if he came to her with a cold or an infected injury. Billy wasn't even hurt and Jess looked at him with compassion.

He could see the hesitance there too but he didn't have time to be paranoid about that.

Now, Jess saw she had a choice to make. She could let Billy stay the night, set him up on the couch, and see if she could find where he was meant to be staying. Or she could call the police. Or she could tell the others he's the Moaner and just... deal with whatever consequences came with it.

Or, her mind supplied, the more interesting route: she could learn more about him.

Jess was a psychology student. Being presented with a mysterious and clearly unstable man was intellectually fascinating to her. Had she not heard his comments about pigs earlier, she wouldn't even have believed this sad man sitting in front of her crying over a hot chocolate could possibly be the same man making lewd phone calls to them..

How did these things connect? What happened to him? Where did he even come from-?

"Hey," Barb's voice seemed to snap both Jess and Billy from their thoughts. "Peter's gettin' all huffy you're holdin' hands." She blew out smoke from her cigarette.

Billy winced ever so slightly. Barb didn't notice but Jess did.

"Sorry," Jess said, letting go of Billy's hands and watching him drink from the mug. He kept his attention on her - green eyes boring holes into her, like if he stared hard enough he'd see through her.

Barb rocked slightly on the balls of her feet. "Soooo... what's the plan with, uh, Billy then?" The girl tilted her head, giving him a quick glance. "We callin' the cops or-?"

"No!" Billy immediately protested, looking panicked.

"No, no." Jess reassured Billy. "No police, he'll- um- he'll stay the night. We'll... figure out a plan of action in the morning." A pause. "I'm too tired to think anyways."

Barb gave Jess a look and then glanced back at Billy. "Well, crazy, seems like we're all havin' a sleepover."

Billy gave her a strange look. "Sleepover." He repeated, mimicking her cadance.

That seemed to amuse Barb. A wide grin appeared as she laughed. "Yeah, sleepover. Ya ever have one of those?" The silence must have been answer enough. "Well, usually, we have popcorn and watch scary movies and do each others nails." She snorted.

But Billy didn't seem put off by that. "Nails." He repeated. "Pop, pop, pop, popcorn." He popped the p's as he spoke.

"Alright, I'm with Jess, this guy can stay the night." Barb called over her shoulder to Peter and Phyll. "I like this guy."

Phyll stood, wrapping her arms around herself. "Barb, I don't think thats-"

"What other voices can you do?" Barb asked, nudging Billy gently with her slipper-covered toes.

Billy stared up at her, almost vacantly, before smiling slightly. He took a moment before repeating lines he heard from the radio that morning. "And the weather today, folks, is lookin' to be cold as hell. If hell froze over that is." He mimicked the weatherman's voice, relaxing slightly at the impressed look on Barbara's face.

She laughed, surprised. "Wow, okay, you're good at that. You can watch movies with us but you gotta do some'a their voices for me, deal?"

He nodded shyly, fidgeting with the cup again.

"Oh, fuck no." Peter spoke up, coming to stand beside Phyll. "He is not allowed to be alone with you girls."

Barb gave Peter an exhausted look. "What, you think we need a big, strong man like you to protect us?" Her voice oozed sarcasm. Billy put the candy cane in his mouth and gnawed on it as he watched the exchange.

Peter ignored her tone. "Yeah, you do. Especially since Jess is having my baby!"

Jess huffed. "I'm not having any baby, Peter, I told you."

The room was silent. "Jess." Peter's voice was eerily calm. "You are not going to abort our baby."

Before either Jess or Peter could keep going, a loud cracking sound was heard. Billy stared at Peter, dark malice swirling in his eyes. When he slowly removed the candy cane from his mouth, the end of it was jagged down to a rough point. Billy glared at Peter and the taller man swallowed.

Barb snorted with a single nod. "Well said, freak. Petey, if yer jus' gonna cause problems, you can go." She reached over and ruffled Billy's hair. "We got a big, strong man to protect us right here."

Billy hung his head at the affection, feeling bile rise to his throat as anxiety made him tremble. Jess certainly noticed. He could practically feel her concerned eyes on him.

Peter and Barb continued to argue amongst themselves while Phyll appeared at Jess's side. "Jess," she said softly, "are you sure this is a good idea?" She gave a nervous glance at Billy.

Jess chewed on the inside of her lip and said nothing. She and Billy just stared at each other as Billy sucked on the candy cane.

When he put it back in the hot chocolate to stir, Jess felt a sharp pang of anxiety when she realized it was perfectly sharpened to a point.

The night passed in relative smoothness. True to her word, Barb made popcorn and everyone situated in front of the TV to watch horror movies together. Barb, Phyll, and Jess sat on the couch whilst Peter and Billy sat on the floor in front of them. Despite Peter's wishes, Billy sat at Jess's legs, leaning his back up against her shins.

Sometimes, she'd reach over and twirl a strand of his curly hair to watch him shudder. It had already occurred to her that Billy, whoever he was, was not treated kindly. It was evident enough that he wasn't used to touch, though he slowly adjusted to her touching his hair and she began to loosely run her fingers through it, wincing at the amount of knots she found.

Jess couldn't focus on the movie. Her mind was far too focused on something Billy had said. A name: Agnes. The way Billy's voice had shaken around the word, as though it pained him to say. She wanted to ask but decided against pushing. She wasn't even sure he'd tell her anything.

About halfway through the second movie - some Hallmark Christmas movie that Phyll liked and Barb simply tolerated - Barb got up and disappeared upstairs for a moment. When she returned, she had her little box of various nail polishes. "So, since we've got a guest," she gestured to Billy with a dramatic flare, "he can go first."

Peter scoffed. "Men don't paint their nails. That's for f-"

Phyll sharply kicked his shoulder and did not apologize for the pained sound Peter let out. "Watch it," she hissed, "or we'll drag you out of here by your stupid, ugly hair."

Billy's little smirk made Barb chuckle. "So," she sat criss-cross in front of him and set the little box between them. "You can pick whatever colors you want, man. World's yer oyster."

He considered his options carefully, as though making a life-changing decision. Jess though it was endearing. Slowly, Billy pointed at a dark red color. "Excellent choice." Barb said, plucking the bottle from her collection.

One by one, Barb did everyone's nails. She had to swat at Billy a few times when she caught him trying to chew on his nails. His hisses did nothing to deter her. "Leave em," she'd said, "if you chew, the color'll come off."

Billy had considered that and instead took to biting at his knuckles instead. Which was... at least not his nails.

The five of them had fallen asleep in the living room. Peter was sprawled out on the couch, Barb and Phyll were laying together on the floor with some of the couch pillows, and Jess and Billy fell asleep shoulder-to-shoulder leaning against the couch.

Jess woke up first, becoming immediately aware of the soft snoring beside her. Billy's head was resting atop hers as he dozed, knees bent up to his chest and his hands clasping his knees. His chest rose and fell gently as the barely-morning light from the window highlighted the side of his face.

Jess's heart clenched when she studied him in the light. Dirt and dust covered his clothes and hair. It'd been hard to see his features closely before but now the sun only served to highlight the mistreatment.

This man was riddled with mysteries and Jess wanted to solve them. She'd always been a curious person by nature.

First, she'd started with waking him up. He'd been reluctant to wake up - judging by the dark bags under his eyes, he didn't sleep much - but Jess held fast. She managed to usher him into the shower, digging out clothes Peter left in her room that he'd left for whenever he stayed the night. Billy was a bit skinnier than Peter but they'd fit him better than any of Jess's clothes.

So, once she'd left a towel and clean clothes out for him in the bathrooms, snatched up the dirty clothes Billy had left, and dashed back to her room. His things would need to be washed, but she could do that later.

Instead, she got onto the next part in unraveling the mystery: turning on her computer.

Without a last name to go off of, she'd have to get creative. So she tried a few key words. "Billy and Agnes," "Billy phone calls," "Mimicking phone caller," and such but nothing had come up yet.

Jess hummed, tapping lightly on her keys in thought. Then she remembered back to a rude comment Peter had made about an asylum. It was a stretch but... Jess googled any asylums within reasonable driving distance and started from there. She'd search the name and add Billy to it and scan through inmates.

On the fifth failed attempt, Jess hung her head. "Okay," she said to herself, "one last try."

Harmony Heights Hospital... Billy...

Jess blinked as various articles came up about a Billy Lenz. And quickly, she began scanning through...

CHRISTMAS KILLER SET FREE...

LENZ BOY LET OUT ON GOOD BEHAVIOR...

THE TRAGIC STORY OF AGNES LENZ...

She let out a soft gasp as one article caught her attention. Clicking around, she read.

...

LENZ FAMILY MURDERED by Axel Waters, Investigative Journalist

Oftentimes, people are tested by life. Challenges are thrown their way as a means to help them grow as people, be it for better or for worse. In the case of one Bill Lenz aka The Christmas Killer, a case could certainly be made for worse. On Christmas morning, Lenz was found by police in his home, covered in blood, and holding his baby sister Agnes Lenz. Upon his arrest, Lenz pleaded with the police to not take his sister and fought so viciously he had to be restrained to be put in the car. The state of the home, dear readers, was quite horrific.

As far as I could tell, Lenz had stabbed both his mother and stepfather in the neck with sharpened candy canes. While he'd burnt half of his stepfather's face on the stove, he'd beaten his mother with an iron pan. The cause of death for both, however, was loss of blood after their arteries were stabbed.

Lenz is said to be institutionalized in Harmony Heights Hospital whilst Agnes is placed into foster care for the time being. While the date for Lenz's trial is not yet in place, I suspect the seventeen-year-old will be tried as an adult for these grisly murders.

...

Jess sat back in her chair as she let the words roll over her. Her body thrummed with nerves and fear as she tried to process what she'd read. He was a killer? He'd killed his family?! She checked the date of the article. This was from four years ago? Blinking rapidly, she fought back horrified tears as she looked for something more recent. Anything to give her some kind of explanation. An article from a year ago caught her attention.

...

A DARK CHRISTMAS INDEED By Marilyn Lowell, Journalist

On a dark Christmas morning exactly three years ago, a young Bill Lenz was arrested for murder. Or so we thought. After a difficult trial two years ago, Lenz was found innocent and was not charged with any crime.

How could this be?

Evidence found by police shows that Lenz had been gruesomely neglected. While it had been impossible to pull any kind of information out of the traumatized young man, Officers Rowan Pierce and Jacob Fowling were able to get statements out of him.

"He was screaming like nobody's business," Pierce said of Lenz. "All he kept asking was where was [Agnes], where's my sister, all that..."

Agnes Lenz, tragically, was separated from Lenz and put into foster care and it's been equally impossible to try and find her. If my math is correct, she'd be around eight years old now. I can only hope that the events of that night didn't traumatize her as bad as her brother.

Bill Lenz, now twenty, is said to be released from Harmony Heights this upcoming week. Here's a statement about Lenz, from Dr. Steven Fell:

"He's been through a lot. People often overlook the results of a deep abuse like that. When he came to me, he was practically emaciated and you couldn't even get within five feet of him without him freezing up... It was horrible... It just goes to show that anyone is capable of doing anything to get himself out of a horrible situation."

While the Lenz children were scorned when the crime was first made public, opinion has swayed after proof of abuse and neglect from the parents became recognized. I send my condolences to the two children and wish all my readers a happy holidays.

...

Jess let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. Quick skims through other articles revealed more and more horrific details. Some reports were trashy, saying that Billy had eaten his parents' cooked flesh or that Agnes was both his sister and daughter. Clearly just written to get attention and, in actuality, never happened. But Jess got a good general idea of what happened. Billy had killed his abusive mom and stepfather. He'd apparently been locked in an attic most of his life and was severely neglected in favor of his kid sister Agnes. And, after years and years of this, he'd snapped and killed them both.

Reading through it, Jess found it harder and harder to be angry about him killing them. It was practically self-defense.

While Agnes was difficult for reporters to find, Jess was no reporter. She was a studying psychologist and she knew there were answers that only the young girl would have. If she could find her, she might be able to help Billy somehow.

Opening a new tab, Jess hovered over the keys. But, instead of Agnes' name, she typed in another. Dr. Steven Fell.

Call it a hunch, but she had a feeling he may know where Agnes went.

Hot water ran down Billy's neck as he hung his head in front of the shower head, staring at his feet. The water turned murky brown as it met his skin but, with time, had begun to run clear again. He lifted his hand to chew anxiously on his knuckles and whimpered, mind racing.

These girls were treating him weird. Letting him bathe, feeding him... It was so much different to how mother had treated him.

Mother. Upstairs. The girl he'd hurt and left in the attic last night. Billy shivered despite the hot water and wrapped his arms over his chest. That's right. As soon as the girls learnt what he'd done, he'd be in trouble. Bad Billy, his mother scolded him in his mind, naughty, stupid Billy!

Billy got cleaned up quickly, pulling on the clean clothes and staring at himself in the mirror. Brown hair hung in uneven lengths, water sogged down his curls. When it dried, it'd be the normal, tangled mess it always was, just an inch shy of his shoulders. His skin was clean though it was easy to see how gaunt he was from malnutrition. Tall, gangly, with unnaturally wide, unblinking eyes.

He tore his eyes away from his reflection with a hiss. The old worn band t-shirt and sweatpants didn't suit him at all but were better than nothing.

Quietly, he padded his way out of the bathroom and peered out into the hallway. It was too early for any of the other sorority girls to be awake except Jess. He tiptoed to the edge of her door and peered in.

Morning light filled the girl's room as she tapped away at her keyboard, scribbling things down on a nearby index card with a pen. She seemed focused on what she was doing. Which was exactly what Billy needed.

He crept silently to the attic and opened the little door. Days spent hiding in the attic gave him time to perfect moving silently throughout the house so Billy could slip up into the little space without Jess hearing.

The morning light struggled to fill the dusty little space, peeking where it could through the fogged and cracked windows.

Still asleep in the rocking chair was the girl Billy had bound and hurt last night. Standing in front of her now - seeing her in the light - he scratched at his wrists as he stared at her. She didn't look broken. Maybe cracked, but not broken.

Gently, Billy lifted her up into his arms and relaxed when she didn't stir. Carrying her down wasn't any more difficult than carrying her up so he brought her back to the room he'd found her in.

He took in the decor, giggling to himself at the photos of naked women performing witchcraft on her walls. Billy lay her gently down on the floor, mumbling to himself. She fell. Yes. She was hit in the head and she fell but she was okay.

So, he made a quick escape. She'd wake up and Billy wouldn't be in any trouble. No one would know.

The morning went smoothly. Barb had woken up and begun making breakfast with Phyll. Peter was watching sports on the television when Billy and Jess came downstairs. As soon as Peter spotted them, he was standing in alarm. "There you are!" He rushed over to Jess, all but shoving Billy away from her. "Did he hurt you? What happened? Where did you go?"

"Relax," Jess sighed, pushing Peter's hands away from her. She hated feeling coddled. "I was doing some last-minute research for a school project and Billy was showering."

Peter looked at Billy, scrutinizing him. "Why's he in my clothes?"

Jess laughed as she pushed past Peter and towards the kitchen. "Because my dresses won't fit him."

Billy followed her like a needy puppy, sad whimpering to match.

Soft music filled the tiny kitchen as Barb worked. For as troublesome as she could be sometimes, no one made pancakes better than Barbara Coard. Phyll was sat at the table with a mug of coffee and a tired smile. "Mornin' Jess." She sighed as she took a drink. "Mornin' Billy." She said, albeit nervously.

Jess pressed a fond kiss to the top of her head before noting the music. "Don't you want me, baby?" She hummed along with the song. "Don't you want me? Oh!" She took Phyll's hand, barely giving her time to set her drink down, before the two were dancing together in the kitchen. Phyll squealed as she slid in her socks. The two girls held hands as they just swung each other around.

"Careful! Crazy kids." Barb teased, leaning against the counter as she watched. When she noticed Billy standing there and staring, she took measures into her own hands. "C'mere, freak." Was the only warning Billy got before Barb took his hands and dragged him into the fray.

Alarmed, Jess opened her mouth to protest but Billy let out a sound that was somewhere between a scream and a laugh. Barb laughed and they held hands and spun. Neither of them were really dancing but they had fun. Barb spun Billy over his head as best she could and Billy did the same for her. The manic smile on his face was contagious and, soon, the four of them were laughing and dancing poorly as the music played.

When the song ended, they were all out of breath. Barb grabbed Billy's head between her heads and tilted him down so she could kiss the top of his head. "Thanks for the dance, crazy." She teased with a ruffle of his damp hair.

Billy meowed - honest to god meowed - and escaped to sit at the kitchen table. Phyll joined him while Jess helped Barb cook breakfast. Pancakes, bacon, eggs over-easy, and sausage.

Their impromptu guest refused the bacon and sausage with a polite shake of his head. Peter had snorted, making a comment under his breath that real men ate red meat and earned a smack from Barb.

Jess smiled to herself as she took a bite of fluffy pancakes. Seemed like Billy was growing on everyone.

"I'll only be a few hours." Jess said as she pulled her mittens on. Billy, Barb, and Phyll were quietly playing Candyland together in front of the warm fire but Peter was frantically trying to keep Jess from leaving the house. The morning had made for a quiet afternoon and gave the chance for the three girls to bond more with Billy. Peter, of course, raised his hackles whenever Jess and Billy so much as looked at each other but the girl was so fed up she didn't even care.

She'd spoken briefly on the phone earlier with Dr. Steven Fell - Billy's previous psychiatrist. When she expressed an interest in the case for her studies, he'd been willing to cooperate. She knew where Agnes was and wanted to go meet her. Of course, she hadn't told anyone else this.

"Jess, c'mon, don't do this." Peter begged.

"I'm going shopping, I don't need to be babysat." Jess huffed, pulling her winter hat on. "Barb, Phyll, you two good to stay with Billy alone?" She called to the two girls.

Barb laughed. "Yeah, so long as he keeps kicking Phyll's ass at Candyland." Phyll stuck her tongue out and Billy let out a bark of laughter. He snorted when he laughed, Jess had learnt.

So, she gave a soft wave to Billy and left. Peter's fake sobs were ignored as she went to her car and got inside. Thank god the lock didn't freeze or Peter might've dragged her bodily back into the house. He'd gotten it in his head she was leaving to have an abortion - and truthfully she was considering it - so she was happy to let him think she was.

Served him right for not respecting her bodily autonomy.

The little foster home Agnes was staying at was in the next city and would be at least an hour away. According to the doctor, Agnes had visited Billy a grand total of twice when he was staying at the hospital. The two didn't really talk much but Agnes didn't seem to hate him. She was nine years old now and barely remembered Billy or the traumatic night when he'd killed their parents.

Jess wasn't sure what she was hoping to get out of this. If Agnes would even speak with her, even if her guardians let her. Apparently, they'd been holding back reporters ever since the case went public.

She only hoped they'd be willing to hear her if she mentioned Billy's doctor.

When she pulled into the front of the little foster home, she let out a sigh. The tiny building was a brick house, decorated to the nines in white Christmas lights. Lights were on inside so someone was certainly home.

Jess approached the house slowly, examining the little bootprints in the snow. Kids had certainly been running about in the fresh snow recently. A pang went through Jess's heart and she let out a sigh, watching her breath cloud up in the cold air.

It wasn't like she never wanted a kid ever. Of course she did! But right now wasn't a good time. How Peter couldn't even respect that was...

She took in a slow breath and knocked on the little white door. A pretty wreath of greens and reds hung on the door, circling the peephole. The sound of kids playing inside made her smile.

A little girl answered the door. She was tiny, holding a little bear to her chest and sucking her thumb. No way she was older than five. But before Jess could even get a word out, an older girl appeared from around the corner. "Nora! What are you doing? Mama said you're not allowed to just open the door to strangers!"

The older girl shooed the younger one away from the door before eyeing Jess warily. "What do you want?"

Jess felt her eyes widen. The young girl looked clean, face full and healthy, but there was no doubt who she was. The little girl with wild, dark brown curls that fell past her shoulders, dressed in a soft white blouse and navy blue skirt, who was staring Jess down with caution in her piercing green eyes...

...was Agnes Lenz.

#🔪 creeps writes #billy lenz #jess bradford #barbara coard #phyllis carlson #peter smythe #black christmas #black christmas 1974 #red christmas

31 notes · View notes

foreverautumn89 · 11 months

Text

@messrsbyler

PS. **Was going to just re-blog but I honestly struggle with what the correct way to do that was. When the messages get too long I just create a new post so hope thats ok.**

I hope you know how much you're appreciated. I try to show my appreciation by liking your posts or commenting/reblogging, but now I'm just going to say it outright that I really appreciate you adding whatever content you can to keep the tag up and running.

In reply to our conversation/the reblog:

Yeah its a little silly that I can't talk about an st ship or a fav character from ST with the ST fandom. I've come across a lot of toxic fandoms, but this one is a little too backwards for me.

If I want to talk about it, I have to either: -talk about it with friends who I've talked about it with a million times before and we just end up having repeated conversations most of the time -or talk to people who don't know what ST even is [usually friends] and they try to be nice about it, but don't even know what I'm talking about so it kind of falls on deaf ears

It's ok honestly about me stepping aside, it does suck I can't talk about ST with the ST fans that is a REALLY crazy concept to me, but I think I'm better off just keeping my love for Stonathan and Jonathan to myself [at least when it comes to interacting with ST fans online] so I can enjoy it at least without all the unnecessary drama. It was supposed to be fun, not this constant battle with the fans. The fights and the battles just aren't worth it. I'm still baffled about the fans treating Jonathan like hes the main villain of the show, but it is what it is.

There are rare times I come across a Stonathan post that has a lot of notes/likes, but then I quickly find out thats because most of them think its a joke. Either they say it in their reblogs or the comments. Stuff like 'that's so funny' when the post was not intended to be funny or they insult the ship some other way.

I've never come across a fandom this crazy and thats saying something. I used to question a lot where all the fans had gone too because back in the day back in S1 time, I remember a lot of people being into Stonathan and now they all left. But considering the stuff I had to deal with the last year and all the hate towards Jonathan, I can understand perfectly why they left and don't seem to interact with the rest of the st fandom anymore. It just sucks that we don't get to see their content anymore because the fanbase scared them away. I even had a friend on here recently that stopped coming to this site all together because of the Jonathan/Stonathan hate so now we lost their Stonathan/Jargyle content too. But I can understand needing to get away because they want to enjoy it and you can't enjoy it with the majority ST fans because they suck the happiness and fun out of everything.

I try to block the anti-Jonathan people/anti-Stonathan people so I don't have to deal with their nonsense, but it seems to be the majority of the fanbase and I can't block almost the entire fanbase.

That's what I was doing before too-carrying the Stonathan ship on my back. I wasn't carrying the ship alone there was like 10 other people here. But it was exhausting and burnt me out trying to make content daily. Theres still a lot of stuff I haven't even posted that I don't have time to edit. It doesn't help that my last computer died and I have to remake the stuff that wasn't backed up so now I need to re-do stuff like the videos.

I will offer a piece of advise-when I couldn't find Stonathan content on here, I would go to other sites for crumbs of it like twitter in particular I found Stonathan content being added on a weekly basis at least.

Exactly-its definitely not a joke or a crack ship for me either. Especially since its right on the show its canon that Steve changed for the better because of Jonathan and Jonathan saved Steve in more ways than one that night-that alone should make it a popular ship. Ever since the end of S1, almost all of Steve's whole storyline has been about him being in love with Jonathan and becoming a better person for him/because of him and putting Jonathan's and his friends/family needs and wanted ahead of his own. And people just ignore that and act like its a joke for them to be paired together. It blows my mind. I just don't get it. Meanwhile, in other fandoms there are enemies to lovers ships and in canon they don't have what Stonathan has-showing in canon that someone has changed for the better because of this person canonly and showing how much they care for them. Steve even gave up Nancy at the end of S2 and told her you should go with Jonathan-that wasn't for Nancy's benefit it was for Jonathan's. He put Jonathan's happiness needs and wants before his own.

Also, their relationship is so messy and complex has so much depth to it-honestly I don't know why its not more popular, but then again its also not my problem to fix. If they want to miss out on Jonathan and Stonathan, that is their choice. I don't need their Steddie-like level of content because I got my own. So I can't be too worried or bothered by it.

Its like Drarry from HP and that is the most popular ship for Harry Potter. You'd think Stonathan would be a lot more popular too… Steve is a nicer person than Draco since Draco never adopted a group of kids and took care of them and Draco didn't start changing for the better until the end of the series, but considering all that you'd think Stonathan would be a more popular ship just a little bit at least.

Thank you. I appreciate it. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about the ship besides the same few people I've been talking to about it. Not that I don't enjoy it, but its become a bit of an echo chamber and us just rehashing things we have already said before.

And I love that you're such a huge fan of Jonathan! I love finding people like you. It's like finding a unicorn or something seriously. It's not often you can meet a genuine Jonathan fan in the ST fandom [as ridiculous as that sounds].

#jonathan byers #st4 #steve harrington #stranger things #stonathan

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pbandjesse · 11 months

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I just had one of the scariest drives of my entire life. I left camp to go pick people up from the airport and almost as soon as I got on the highway the sky opened up and it was raining so hard I couldn't see anything and it felt like the car was being pushed around. And then it started hailing! It was horrible! I got off the highway and it was a terrifying drive to get to Wawa.

And we all knew the rain was coming. I got a severe thunderstorm warning earlier in the day. And it was incredibly humid today which was not comfortable. I was very excited for it to be the first day of camp and I had a great time so I'm really glad that everything I was hoping for worked out but also I was just so hot. And everything was so damp.

I feel like this happens at the beginning of every year where the cement floor in the art building just becomes wet and it only is really for the first week of camp and then it seems fine for the rest of the summer. But it sucks while it's happening. I hate when everything is muddy.

And I slept okay last night. I woke up this morning and the under blanket I had set up had fallen off and there was a slug trail all over the blanket. I did find the slug who was like four and a half inches long. A criminal. But my stomach hurt really bad this morning and so it was kind of a struggle to get dressed. I would get myself together though and I felt fine. I just still hate my hair and I'm upset that I cut it but I know that I would still be upset if it was long because it was so fried on the end and it's so much healthier now even if I'm unhappy with it. I just got up keep trying to be positive.

I decided to have my leftover bagel for breakfast and I was like oh I will warm it up in my toaster oven. Which probably would have been fine if I only put half of the bagel in there but I put the whole thing in there and accidentally lit the toaster on fire. Burt the whole top of it and it did not taste good at all. I ate the parts that weren't burnt and felt very silly her doing that.

I worked on fixing Brayden's shirt this morning and got my still lives and all of my paper and stuff set up for my kids. For a while I was just chilling doing whatever I wanted sitting there in the art building and then at 9:45 my first class came. I had walked down to the nurse's office to use the bathroom and when I came up they were already there and it was very nice to see them.

I asked them to go wash their hands and they all came in. It was only six of them because apparently the third top bar is just the teeniest little group. And they were so sweet. I really really enjoyed their company and they were really excited about the project. Both groups I have this morning were girls and both times when they came in their first question was can we make bracelets. And I was like well let's do the planned project first. And then they liked the plan project so much that they never had time to make bracelets because they were painting the whole time.

I was a little nervous about teaching kids stole life drawing. Drawing what you see and not just what you think something looks like but besides one day camp group today who was on the younger side everyone else thrived. They did such a good job and I'm so proud of them. I really just enjoyed working with them and showing them how to fix their lines and do a lot of gesture drawing and it was just amazing. I was just in the best mood. Even if I was too hot.

I had two classes this morning and then we had the first lunch a specialty stuff. Louisa, Alexi's daughter, had joined me and we hung out basically all afternoon. But she came to lunch with me and I would send her back to the art building to get our specialty staff ketchup which was a huge hit today because it was burgers and that worked out really well. But lunch was supposed to start at 11:45. When me and Louise got there at 11:40 it looked like the meat was still pink in the kitchen and that they were still mixing it. I think honestly that it turned out it was meatloaf for dinner which why did you have hamburgers for lunch and meatloaf for dinner but whatever. And so especially stuff started taking bets on when lunch would actually come out.

Ty thought it would be at noon. Celia thought it would be 12:08. And I thought it would be 12:15. Lunch actually came out at 12:23. I also had a weird interaction when I asked about vegetarian options. I was like hey is there a vegetarian option. And they were like yes. And I said okay do I go in the kitchen and get it or do I ask someone. And they're like you ask me and I was like okay. And then they didn't go and get the vegetarian option or anything so I just went and sat down. So I waited for my burger like everyone else. And it was a black bean burger which I don't love but it was fine. I broke it in half and it was a good enough meal.

And I knew that because we were having lunch with day camp and they were my next group that if I was late they were going to be late so I wasn't that concerned. About rushing. But I got up to the art building and waited and Louise adjoined me and we honestly just had a nice time hanging out today. She's very sweet.

I had day camp group five and then a little break and then my older girls would come They would come late as well because second lunch also came out very very late. But it was a really good time. The little kids struggled to draw what they saw but they enjoyed painting. And some of them did what I asked them to do. And I was proud of them. And then when the older girls got there they mostly wanted to make bracelets and that was fine with me. I'm hoping to do the metal casting thing but we don't have all the materials yet. So I can't do it until I have at least done one test run.

I'm supposed to have one more day camp and then the YLP group was supposed to come to me. My day camp group came and they were lovely but took forever to leave. Which was fine but also I was really like antsy to get reset if the ylps were coming. Josephine was in that group too though so her and her sister were asking lots of questions and that's totally fine and all they're still lives were excellent that was so proud of them. And we spend some time looking at all my stuffed animals and them telling me how cool it was that I lived in the art building which is very true. And then they left and Alexi texted me and asked a question but she didn't answer my follow up. So I sent Louisa to the office to ask if it was important. And turns out the ylps are all taking The bus and should be on the day camp schedule so they can't come to my last program of the day. So instead we're going to have a luncheon tomorrow which is fine. And I was excited because that meant I could go and take a shower. Because I felt disgusting.

I stopped at the office though to check in about the YLP thing and ask if it is okay for me to leave camp to get James tomorrow. And then while I was there they asked if I would be okay with going and picking up two people from the airport tonight. Which I was totally fine with. So I went to take a shower.

But the water pressure was all messed up. So I had a very sad very cold shower. Before that though while the kids were finishing up at the pool I just talked to CeCe who's the main lifeguard this year and she told me that at 4:30 they're going to do pool canoes so if I want to come down when I'm done my last program and swim I totally can. So that made me feel a lot better. I don't feel like I'm totally missing out on swimming. And while it was a sad shower it did make me feel better. I just wish I would have been able to wash my hair. Maybe I can do it tomorrow.

After my shower I talked to Alexi and we decided that I would leave sometime around 6:30 and I would get Wawa because I was going to be probably missing dinner. It turns out I was not going to miss dinner but when they called me on the walkie to be like hey the chefs have an onion free meal for you I was like oh okay I will go check this out. But it turns out that while it was onion free it was not vegetarian. There was a miscommunication and the chef didn't understand that the vegetarian and the unfree person was the same person and made me meatloaf. I really appreciated the effort and I felt so guilty when he looked so sad. But it is okay. I knew I was going to get my sandwich anyway.

So I left camp and I started driving. And the sky was really dark. Like concerningly dark so I texted Alexi and CJ and was just like hey just so you know it's really dark and the storm is probably coming towards camp. And almost as soon as I sent that message the sky opened up and it was absolutely a downpour. It was so scary. I could not see and I needed to get off the highway. It was hard to see other people so it was hard to merge but I was able to get off and then the wind was so strong that my car was getting pushed around and I was just not having a good time. And then when I got off at Hunt valley it started to hail! And that was really scary and I still couldn't see even though it was only going like 20 miles an hour. I just wanted to make it to the Wawa parking lot and I was just so scared.

When I got there I couldn't find my umbrella at first and it was pouring buckets outside so I didn't want to get out of the car but I eventually figured out where my one umbrella was under my seat and went inside. I was surprised to see a rainbow even though it was still actively raining. But I got my sandwich and I had a nice conversation with the cashier and then I went and ate in the car and continued to be very freaked out by how windy it was. The trees were like getting pulled to the side.

I waited in the parking lot until the rain really eased up and it was just normal drizzle. Alexis said that she was keeping an eye on it and I don't know if everyone went to basements but I wouldn't have been surprised. CJ said that power has gone out but she hasn't seen any trees go down just branches. I was really worried about all my art supplies that I left on the table but she said everything's just damp and nothing is ruined. So it'll drive by tomorrow I'm not that concerned about it.

I continued my drive to the airport. Which is where I am now. Their flight was supposed to land at 8:00 and it's 8:15 now and I haven't heard anything from anyone and I don't know what their flight information is so I'm just sitting here in the cell phone lot hoping that someone tells me what to do. I hope that their flight came in okay. And I hope that I can pick them up and we can just get back to camp and I can get in my art building and even if the power is out I can just be safe in there. I have my battery powered string lights and my battery powered fan and the only thing I'm a little worried about is my fridge. Which as long as I leave it closed should be fine.

I hope that you guys are all safe out there and you're having a good night. I hope you have not been a scared as I have been. Wish me luck with my kids tomorrow. And I hope you are all going to have a great day. Good night everybody.

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theunrealinsomniac · 2 years

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hello!! i hope you are doing well. maybe youve talked about this before but do you have writing advices to stay inspired? and how is the process for you to organize your ideas and get to work? im very curious about that, hope its not too personal!

Hello, I'm okay thank you!

I actually don't think I have talked about how I stayed inspired, mostly because it's something of a fluke half the time lol.

But I do have some tricks that might help others so:

Make a writing playlist. No seriously, find songs that inspire you to write and put them on a playlist. I personally have one for NaruSaku and one for NSFW writing on Spotify and that can normally be relied on to get in the mood to write.

Reading stories and watching TV shows about what you're trying to write can work too. That's a bit of a double edged sword though, you don't want to copy things whole hog, but it can help to get the ball rolling.

I actually started writing at 15/16 cos I was reading fic for NaruSaku and in my teenaged hormonal arrogance was like 'god, I can do better than this!' and that's how I started lol.

And much to my shame, reading bad fic and needing to put something 'better' out there does still work for me. I don't do that quite so much anymore thankfully lol, now it's more reading good fic and going 'oh my god, that's fucking great and it gives me ideas!'

If you're in the process of writing and you lost the thread or you've suddenly gotten a little self-conscious? Find someone you trust, someone who won't mind spoilers, possibly someone who doesn't even read your work but is a friend ... and ask them to read what you've got so far, or just the latest snippett.

The reassurance of someone you trust telling you what you've got is good? Especially if they're willing to riff on the idea with you, is golden. I've recaptured flagging inspiration by doing that a lot.

I sometimes go back and reread previous chapters of my work too. Reminds me where I want to go, what I've said in previous chapters and so what I have to stick to, gives me direction.

Did that just last night actually.

Now if you've just lost inspiration? Or the drive to write at all? Stop.

If you are forcing out every word or couple of words? Stop writing right now.

You're burnt out, you need to go do something else. Sleep, eat, shower, go for a walk, play a video game, watch a TV show or movie just for fun. Talk to your friends, play with your dog/cat/rabbit whatever.

Inspiration will not come if your brain is so wired you can't think straight. The best writer in the world will tell you that nothing is better for inspiration than healthy life habits, even the ones who spent half their time coked up.

Now as for my process lol.

God, this is gonna show me for the fraud I really am lol.

Firstly I need it to be understood that this is not a good thing lol, what I'm about to tell you is not good, it's just what my brain does.

Okay? Okay.

My brain doesn't shut the fuck up. Whether that be with all the things I need to do in a day housework wise, all the stuff I have to do at work or all the ideas I have for stories.

Cos in my case? You will only ever see a handful of the ideas that my brain throws at me cos I can't keep up.

So half of the battle for me is actually picking an idea to even start writing lol. I get stunlocked so often it's actually why I've had to instigate a 'no more than three chaptered fics at a time' policy.

And honestly, I would prefer it be one at a time but my brain rebels if I'm not at least spinning three plates at a time. And then it will throw curveballs at me in the shape of oneshots.

But once I've picked the writing for the day, eventually, I just start writing, no plan but the idea that inspired me and I just go. And it's normally just whatever idea appealed to me most lol.

Chapter One of every single fic, or the opening lines of the oneshots, are always 'seat of my pants figure it out' exercises.

You can actually tell when I click into the main theme of the story pretty easily in most of my work, at least I can see it, and sometimes that's before the end of the first chapter, sometimes we're way, way in and the story is kind of all over the place until then.

But okay, chapter/story is done, first draft is done. I wrote until I hit a natural stopping point and I have a completed first draft.

Then I edit.

I do a basic spell and grammar check first. Then I read through for typos and iffy tenses. That's Draft Two.

Then I read through again, finding more typos and iffy tenses and maybe make some edits to the flow of text. That's Draft Three.

Rinse and repeat until satisfied. Picking out dodgy lines, changing scenes where necessary and correcting any typos I've still missed or punctuation errors, you get it.

Then I post and wait lol.

And normally I'll take a few days to a week off and pick up whatever I'm writing next. Normally another story but in the case of the Wedding AU that sucker was just a constant stream of writing lol. It's a miracle I didn't freeze up lol.

Which is another reason why I have three chaptered fics going at a time. Let's me swap between as I go and avoid freezing up for longer.

But yeah, hope that was interesting lol.

Thanks for asking!

#ask theunrealinsomniac #meta #my writing #my head is a box of cats with a ball of yarn

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problemswithbooks · 2 years

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I hope the translation has shouto caring about the burnt sidekicks. Heck even if they weren’t there to help him, shouto should still care. Like, I need him to show a little conflict between wanting to help his brother and the people being hurt by his brother. Endeavor prioritizing touya makes sense for him but not for someone like shouto.

Reading the fan scans I sort of doubt they could mess up so much to absolutely not see Shoto mention concern for the sidekicks. So, unfortunately all we have is the very clunky exposition that honestly kind of sounds like Shoto hyping his Bro's powers. It's just some awful writing really.

Like this isn't in Shoto's character really at all, but Hori pushed it in there because he needed to try and explain how Touya could pull off such a bullshit move. So, Shoto has to think about how strong and power Touya is rather then about how he's watching people being burned alive and screaming.

I mean he's not even trying to get up and help, him and Iida are just sitting their in shock, which is weird. Yes, Shoto is tired, but you'd think he'd be lamenting that fact--that he can't help the sidekicks. He picked this fight and back when this fight started he thanked these people for coming with him to help. Now they are dying a gruesome death to his brother and he's hyping Touya's power and skill?

It's bad writing. Touya shouldn't have been able to pull this kind of stunt off. Hori never alluded to Touya being such a fast learner he could copy moves immediately. He could have but he didn't.

Yes, Touya copied Enji's moves but that was over the course of years, not seconds. Let alone that he had to compensate for the fact it's not a one to one Quirk situation. He saw how Shoto did it with both fire and ice and was able to perfectly replicate it with just his fire.

It totally kneecaps Shoto's growth too and kind of makes him look stupid/incompetent. He worked on this move for at least a month and it's clearly taken a lot out of him--he even said it takes a lot of concentration. Yet, Touya does it no problem even though he's trained by himself with no proper instruction, and has no fatigue issues despite burning himself to the bone.

And I really don't see the point, except Hori wanted him back in the fight, so he kind of hand waved the reasoning. He wanted the Heroes to have a quick win, but then reverse it for some darkest hour stuff. But he in my opinion he chose the wrong way to do that and totally the wrong fight.

I'm hoping going forward Shoto does show concern and maybe even questions if Touya is to far gone. He did his best to bring Touya home, but now he's absolutely refused and is hurting even more people. It would be nice to see him struggle with the possibility that he may have to stop Touya permanently. Even if he finds some way to save his brother in the end it'd be nice to see him show some doubt after his actions got people killed.

#ask #thanks for the ask!#bnha spoilers #bnha #mha

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erigold13261 · 5 months

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Small story/anecdote thingy I think. Just some feelings about the Eriverse and junk that I need to deal with at some point instead of pushing it to the back of my mind.

You know how when you play a game so much, usually a game like Sims or a simulator game (Stardew Valley or others like that), and you hit a point you want to just start over with a fresh batch?

I get that feeling a lot with those games. I would make one family of sims and turn off aging just so I can be with them for a long time. Then I would get bored, make them have kids and have a small spark of fun for a bit before wanting to reset everything and start from the beginning all over again.

It happens a lot with idle games too. The struggle of the beginning is the most fun part to me. So getting so far into the game there is nothing else to do just makes it pointless, so restarting is the only way I can really find motivation to keep playing.

I say all of this because I've honestly been wanting to reset everything recently. Maybe because the Eriverse is getting really complex and fleshed out (definitely not a bad thing at all), but it's becoming like... overwhelming? Maybe that's the word for it?

Like I am definitely having fun! There is no doubt about that! But the story was not made with other media in mind. It was just supposed to be NSR and NSR only. And even then, I've gotten so far into my own headcanons for NSR characters I have been thinking of resetting myself and my mind for a long while in this area.

I think this is why I like AUs so much. It gives me a break from the longer storyline as a whole and allows me to play with different aspects of a character I find important than the ones I ended up originally choosing.

This is also a thing I do in Sims and Idle games. I will play the first round for a very long time, getting really far until I get bored. Take a break, and then reset. But each reset is just shorter and shorter until I abandon the game for a LONG time and come back to have along playthrough again before doing my shorter resets.

I used to have a story with multiple medias in my mind (mostly animes, creepypastas, and horror movie villains) that I kept up for YEARS. Like all throughout middle and high school. Very in depth and complicated. Similar to how I am doing the Eriverse.

And I just gave up on it. Haven't thought about that stuff in YEARS until this moment. It was the center of my life and I just gave it up because I found something more fun at the time? I think that is what happened to me.

Anyway, I don't know why I said this. Just something I've been feeling for a very long time. It happened in a few roleplays I did when I was younger too. I just kept making it more and more complex, and that kind of like... ruined it? I guess.

I'm not saying that Eriverse is ruined for me at all. I am still very much going to continue talking about it and stuff (I still have PLENTY of stuff queued up for like another couple of weeks), but just like... maybe I'm getting burnt out because the story was never meant to be like this?

I'm sure if I had actually planned shit out I would be a lot more happy and ecstatic for this story, which is why I am really happy to think of the Future Act which is being planned for multiple media than the Present Act of the Eriverse.

I don't know. This was just a ramble. I'm not resetting anything, maybe if I do it will be a soft reset. But I guess I just wanted to say this out loud (or you know, write it out loud lol), just so that it was out there and not just stuck in my mind.

It's like this depression that hits once you lose a hyperfixation or end a really good TV show. That in-between phase that feels empty and void of a lot of emotions.

I definitely still love NSR, a lot more than any of these other medias I am talking about, but I was loosing the love for NSR a bit and decided the best course of action would be to do a crossover.

Which turned into all this Eriverse stuff. Well, I guess even before the NSpidR AU crossover stuff I was kinda running on fumes by just adding more OCs into NSR instead of playing with the canon characters themselves. Which was the start of the complexities that kinda made me want to step away from NSR in the first place.

But it feels like I have nothing else. I am not attached to any of these other medias like I am NSR. Even now, if there was no connection to NSR, I wouldn't give a shit about making art or content at all for HFR, Psychonauts, Spiderverse, Homestuck, or JJK.

NSR literally is the glue for me and I've been wanting to reset my version of NSR for at least a year, maybe 2 years now. Just to go back to canon and start making a new version of NSR that is different from the one I built up in my head after all these years.

I guess it's my AU brain doing this? Wanting to always have a new "what-if" scenario to play with? I don't know. It makes me sad.

Sad that I can't just love another media with the same love I have for NSR. I literally can only have one main media at a time until I throw it away for something else entirely. Then it becomes a sad memory or a passing thought that takes over my brain for like a week before I go back to the new main media I am in love with.

It sucks. It honestly really does. It reminds me how I just can't do major things at the same time. I can't watch JJK and read Homestuck at the same time. I can't learn to drive and be in college at the same time. I can't do shit half the time because I am too busy doing another thing.

I can't fucking multitask properly and it fucking sucks. It impacts my everyday life, work life, fandom life. It is all just one thing or nothing at all. And once I put everything into that one thing I get sick of it and want to throw away years of work just because I am bored as shit and want something new in my life.

Sorry. I don't know what I am really trying to prove at this point. I am just sick of my brain telling me to reset my ideas and headcanons over and over. I want to go back to when I first was introduced to NSR, when there was an active community, when I had a lot more online friends.

It all just feels like it fell apart and I ma just screaming into the void. Even though I fucking know I'm not because I have so many people sending me in asks and actually interacting with me.

Maybe it's because I can tell that my followers' main focus isn't NSR anymore like it used to be. I get so many more asks just about Spiderverse, Homestuck, and JJK with only a few mentions of an NSR character and it just feels like... Like I am listening to other people talking to me about their interest that I kinda share.

I know that sounds fucking rude and shitty. Because I really do love hearing other people's opinions and headcanons, even if it isn't for NSR characters, but it's almost as if I'm just not interested in hearing it, even when I am!

I actively can't think about these other media's unless they connect to NSR. And when they don't then I just can't give a shit. I have an ask for Sam and Dion sitting in my inbox that I want to answer but I just can't fucking actively think of an answer or a drawing without seeing the ask because I can't give a shit about them outside of asks!

It fucking sucks so much! I want to think more actively about these other medias! I want to be able to come up with my own headcanons and not just piggyback off of others!

Do you know how much it fucking sucks to know people want to hear my headcanons for characters like Peni, Kento, Sam, or any other character I fucking love but I literally just can't come up with shit for them at all?!

I feel fucking awful when someone puts their heart and soul into an ask about a character with such an amazing headcanon and I just can't care about it at all!

I WANT TO FUCKING CARE ABOUT IT! I WANT TO CARE ABOUT YOUR HEADCANONS! I WANT TO HAVE MY OWN I CAN ACTIVELY SHARE WITHOUT NEEDING TO BE PROMPTED FOR AN ANSWER!

This fucking shit is going nowhere! I hate this so much! I thought talking about this would make me better but it just makes me think I am not appreciating the little community I made and I fucking hate myself for it!

I really do appreciate you all for sending me in asks. I have so many I still need to answer but damn. I think the reason it takes me so long is because I just can't actively think of these characters outside of asks being sent to me.

I don't daydream about half these characters like I do with NSR characters. I wish I could, but I just can't seem to do it.

. . .

Okay, I'm done. I think I got it all, or at least mostly, out of my system. I just... wanted to share that I guess. I don't know.

Sorry. You don't have to change your asking habits for me. It's fine really. I think I just need to visit source material again for most of these media. Maybe that will spark something in me.

I did get the two Spiderverse movies recently. Maybe I'll watch those again and replay Psychonauts when I get the chance.

Anyway, anyone who actually read this, thanks. I'm not resetting or ending the Eriverse at all. This has been stuff in my mind for probably years now (even more so actually since I abandoned my first major multi-media daydream).

Hope everyone is doing good. I'm gonna eat some chocolate and watch fun videos to just ignore my problems.

#vent #rambling #eritalks #noart #this wasn't supposed to become a vent #but it fucking did #it's kinda long #and possibly worrying #to people invested in the eriverse #but don't worry #it's not going anywhere #i might take a short break from it #and just post purely n/sr stuff for a bit #or i might just take a small break from posting?#i don't know #we'll see how i feel tomorrow #hopefully this is just me being mellowdramatic #or whatever kind of shit i am feeling #i hope it passes

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pizaoisi · 7 months

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vent?

this is my first time doing something like this..so this is the only website where my folks and people from school are not present.. i am writing this because i've seen people say that doing this kinda helps in lessening the burden? honestly i just need someone to whom i can talk...even just a little bit of comforting is fine so starting things i'm still in school and this year is really important for my academic career and i'm not trying to brag but i've always been one of them smarter kids in the class. for as long as i can remember my name was on the top 3 students of the class, things were smooth during this covid stuff too..i was doing just as good in the online classes and once everything went back to normal offline ones i was still doing fine, "fine" here meaning i was able to understand the topics well enough compared to majority of the class. so schools opened in my country like 2 years ago so the last grade i was in, i did pretty good academically. then this year started and as usual i was doing super good, i was understanding everything and i did well in the first few tests too, recently after the half yearly exams i started to feel really lazy? i just wanted to take the longest naps i could ever think of. so eventually i started to spend most of my time on my bed just sleeping and gradually i started to lose interest in like every thing i liked. i was good in academics but i was too tired and burnt out to even gather up any energy to open the textbooks or pick up the pen, i just felt so lifeless during that time when it first started..eventually tho, my grades and attendance started to drop. like a full 180 degree. i was confused at first as to why it was happening but as i said i was too burnt out to even care. growing up i never had any problem socializing with people but it was during now that i find it very difficult. i find it very hard and almost scary to maintain a proper conversation with someone i don't know that well, and it becomes worse when it comes to making eye contact. so days passed like this and i kept feeling heavier and heavier it was as if something was bottling up inside. i never told anyone about this, i'm scared that they'll either end up thinking i'm a creep or they'll cut off any contact with me. i've seen kids getting bullied in my school because other students thought that they were being very "edgy". but i only realized now how bad it actually feels, to be surrounded by soo many people but you still don't have you can open up to, talk about your problems and shit..everyone seems busy with their studies and here i am eating dinner with my family just wandering into space. from the past few weeks, well i am ashamed to say it but i've been having thoughts that it would be better if i kill myself, i wake up every day and just spend 30 minutes thinking that i should kill myself or not. i don't feel good enough anymore, i'm not confident like i used to be as a matter of fact i'm quite the opposite now. i'm at a point like right now where i'm not sure what is right or wrong anymore. i barely show up to school or any event now. i was good at drawing once but i'm slowly losing interest and touch in that too. i think i have ranted long enough but there was this one thing i wanted to talk about. i never really understood what breaking down actually was, that is until last wednesday. i was in my bed and suddenly started to feel my eyes become heavy, i tried to avoid the feeling of it but it kept getting more and more until i was unable to hold it anymore. within seconds i was just sobbing and crying like a 8 year old. i somehow managed to keep it low so that my parents wouldn't hear it but it was really scary how it just happened all of a sudden because i can't remember crying in something like 5 years and the way the tears just kept coming out of my eyes were scary. i would like to end this chattering now because it's about time my mum comes home. i just hope nobody i know find this and i do not aim for any negative comments as well.

#vent

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h-pelessly · 8 months

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September 14, 2023.

This month so far was a jam-packed month so let's unpack everything so far. I might have another entry this month because I have more plans heheheh.

September 2nd was the first time I saw Jamie again since my time at ACT. We planned to do something this month because I finally found the gall to ask her to do something, and we planned in this month because I was too burnt out from social outings last month. At first, we planned on going to Anaheim Packing District, but I was scared of parallel parking (a fucking joke tbh) and didn't know what was good there anymore so we decided not to go there. Even though Jamie's the food connoisseur, she wanted me to choose so she didn't come up with another bad idea. A drama queen to be honest. So I went the basic Yard House. And the closest one to me was the one in Irvine. Insane to be honest. I don't know what I was thinking, agreeing to go to that because not only was it a holiday weekend, it was a weekend!! Insanity. I ended up being dropped off by my mom and when I got there, I had MASSIVE anxiety. I hyped myself up, but nothing could've prepared me for the insanity of a holiday weekend. While waiting for Jamie, I went to Barnes and Noble, my safe space, but even that was not a safe space that day. So I went to go sit in the kid area to sit down. After realizing that I could put in a reservation online, I went to meet up with Jamie. She looks the exact same-- I don't know what I was expecting when I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to spot her. We had to wait about half an hour, but honestly, Jamie could talk. I was kinda nervous because we have never hung out outside of work, but I forgot that Jamie loves talking. There's nothing wrong with that, but I was glad that she could. During dinner, it felt like I was with my dad or something like that because she kept making jokes and trying to converse with the waiter and I'm like JAMIEEEE STAWP, YOURE EMBARRASSING ME!!! But our waiter was very nice and attentive. I love that. After that, we went back to Barnes and Noble where I was able to show her my books and she showed me what she read. She was about to buy my books to read, but I convinced her to buy them at Target. So we went, and instead of finding Final Offer by Lauren Asher (sad tbh) she bought Book Lovers and The Deal by Elle Kennedy. I hope she likes The Deal tbh because she liked The Summer I Turned Pretty and that was one of my favorite reads this year. Anyway, when we went to go buy the stuff, Jamie started talking to this stranger. She claims that he started talking first, but we DID technically cut in front of him by deciding which line to go into. But he was very opinionated and talkative for a stranger in our opinions. And after that, I waited for Tim to pick me up. Thankfully, Jamie looked out for me and didn't ask me to come back to ACT. Love her for that. We shall hang out with Lorena too next time!!

September 9nd was Trinh day. We were grabbing brunch on a weekend, and I was okay with it, but then it was early AND I had to drive all the way to Orange. Bleh, but I sucked it up and ended up going. It was okay; I just had to wake up early enough to get ready then drive half an hour before our meetup time for parking and stuff. I went and she wanted to meet up later so I ended up going to Target. It was cool, but awkward because I was dressed to go out, but I just listened to music to drown out all the awkwardness. The awkwardness was still there, but it was helped by the music. For some odd fucking reason, it was a restock day so I was walking around trying to just look with workers EVERYWHERE so I tried to go elsewhere until they leave so they don't ask me if I need help. After awhile, Trinh called to ask if I was already out, but I told her it was fine. So I left and made my drive there which wasn't all that bad, but the only shitty thing is that I got lost. Parking WASN'T a bitch as contrary to my beliefs of a weekend. I managed to find comfy parking but then walking out, I got lost bc the place was new. So I walked and SWEATED. It wasn't cool at all, but when I finally found the place, it was literally just across the street. ANNOYING. Anyways, we got seated and catching up with Trinh was really nice and casual. I planned on making her a book bouquet for her late b-day present, but she didn't let me know that she was making it earlier yesterday so I ended up making her blind date books with the description. I thought it was super cute and got her Icebreaker and The Nanny. I don't like those books but she seemed really into Icebreaker when we saw it so I got her that, and the other book by Hannah Grace wasn't out yet so I got her the Nanny, which Tara really likes, but it's a gamble to be honest. Waiting for her review. We ate at Bluestone Cafe, which is supposed to be an Aussie brekkie kind of place, and it was okay, just expensive. The aesthetic is there though. Overall, the experience was pretty good and nice to catch up with Trinh again.

Books I've read this month;

Twisted Hate by Ana Huang (5.9/10) Tara recommended me to read this because she loves the MMC. I strayed away from this book in the beginning because Asian MMCs just aren't it for me (then I realized how embarrassing I was being.) But I did like how much personality the MMC has. I liked his story and how he's not just a broody, mad man. The FMC is so lovable; I think the author made it so that all of the FMCs in the series are. She wasn't a sunshine, but she was bubbly and fiery, and her hopes and dreams is different than what you see in books. I just think the book was poorly written (also because the author wrote it as a fanfiction. I'm not sure if this book was, but the first of the series were so I'll give it to her) and there were many parts where I'm like what the fucking shit? Unnecessary parts as well. Why do so many people like this? But then I guess the main characters are very likable. The enemies to lovers trope in this one was new which I did enjoy. They REALLY hated each other, and one was NOT obsessed with the other in the beginning, which I thought was kind of cool. So it did start with a hate fucking kind of relationship.

Pregame by Maggie Rawdon (7/10) This was a 1,000 word essay/short story type of deal and it was free and not on GoodReads. I picked it up because I know Maggie Rawdon's an indie author and wanted to support her by reading all her stuff (in the series of course.) This started out a little confusing because it really jumps into a story, but then I realized that there can't be any fluff if it wanted to keep the short story narrative. I did not fall in love with the characters, but I wanted them together badly-- I wanted to know what happened next. Although I know they get together because I read the series out of order, I loved their banter and how immediately attracted they are to one another.

Say You Swear by Meagan Brandy (6.5/10) I only picked this up because of booktok and I'm so mad that I had any excitement for it. The FMCs were so annoying because they just turned legal and are taking advantage of their adulthood. I hoped that I wasn't that annoying when I turned legal-- like I know it's completely normal, but it's like why are you being so loud and preppy?? Also, this gave me TSITP vibes with the summer beach house. They did have a found family trope (which I found out was a close knitted group of friends) which I found super odd because the twins were in it together (brother and sister) and the brother was very protective, making his friends protective of them as well. Why would you want to be around that? It's weird as fuck in my opinion, but okay. Also, the MMC was weirdly obsessive??? Like he was saying that he knew she liked her childhood crush, which is also in the friend group, and that they had sex. Like WTF???? But I felt bad for the childhood crush to be completely honest until the very end. The ending tripped the FUCK out of me, honestly.

A Deal with the Devil by Elizabeth O'Roark (7/10) I also picked this one from booktok and thought it was an indie author, but apparently, this book has traction. I was very excited to get into it for some reason, but I didn't click with it. Maybe because I didn't connect with the MMC. The FMC had a very valid and relatable backstory which I liked, but the banter gave me the ick. It is a workplace romance, but the open flirting from the BOSS MMC was weird to me. It gave me Andrew vibes, but he's my friend so knowing your boss, when you are the only worker (exec assistant) flirt with you like that is weird. But I guess it wasn't that bad and I pushed through it. The MMC turned out very sweet, but the work that the MMC had the FMC do made me very angry, work related wise. This was a slow burn so I def kicked my feet and giggled when they finally kissed.

Replaying the Game by Emily Tudor (7.5/10) I knew this book would be like The Deal so I was very excited to pick it up. However, this book was very innocent and cute so it wasn't really like it. The MCs seemed VERY young, which was believable for them to be sophomores in college. I didn't like it at first because I was like this is just the Deal repeated, but then I found the FMC to be half Viet, and that made me kick my feet giggling. There were some confusing parts, but since this is an indie author, I didn't mind it at all. Plus, the author's note at the beginning mentioned that and I liked that it had a warning. The other male that the MMC was trying to compete against really had nothing on her, and their fight seemed to be a high-school type of argument/fight but so be it. Realistic, I guess. I hate the way the FMC talks about her brother like that's your brother and you're acting like you don't know him?? Anyway, I'm excited for HIS book which is the next so I'm excited to get on that. The story is set up for you to like her group of friends, but I didn't like them. I thought they were kind of weird and selfish. There was a moment when all of them just threw out their personal problems to each other, and no one commented on each other's which I thought was fucking weird, but I guess that's how some friendships work? I'm not sure, but I REALLY want more information about the brother.

The Risk by Elle Kennedy (7/10) Tara recommended me this book, and I wasn't against it since it's written by Elle Kennedy, but since it's not apart of the Off-Campus series, I wasn't 100% into it. The FMC was strong and her struggle with sexism in the workplace was very valid and realistic, but I didn't connect with her. I thought her vibe was very pick me and all for herself like she doesn't have much friends. She's into hockey, but the fact that she thinks that her and the MMC are enemies because they're rival teams didn't make much sense to me. Because the FMC's father is the coach for the opposing team made sense, but that's all. The MMC was obsessed and confident which was cute and all, but he wasn't my type and I wasn't falling head over heels for him. It's crazy how these people are in college, but I guess it's realistic since college kids are horny as fuck. Their banter and tension was crazy and very cut, and when they got together, my stomach did knots, but it didn't have me giggling and kicking my feet. The antagonist was a female (which is insane to be honest,) but I kind of got the vibe early on too. The way that the FMC told the MMC early on also gave me the ick like she's really judgmental of females...

Play Fake by Maggie Rawdon (6.8/10) I liked the banter at first and it had me giggling and kicking my feet at first like the last Rawdon book I read. I kind of had high hopes for this book because I like Rawdon as an author and wanted to support a small author. I don't know if it was because I read the books out of order that disinterested me or it was because the book had unnecessary banters. To be completely fair, this is the author's debut and it's a romance book which means that we know the endgame, but the characters were childish. I really liked Pregame, the pre-essay for this book so I thought I would like it, but I didn't get the right impression of the MMC. I thought he was black because of how he was described, but then I found out he's a white country boy and that deterred me. Obviously, he doesn't have to be my type or anything so that wasn't a big part, but the miscommunication in this book irritated the fuck out of me. They are grown ass adults who can't communicate their feelings like it would have the cliche "do you love me" I love you more than anything in the world, but I can't speak "okay, then we shouldn't be together" type of bullshit. This book was not bad per se, but I def. wouldn't recommend my friends to read it.

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soliavenne · 3 years

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Gaara reacting to his S/O wearing a lingerie

- Genre: Horny-ish Gaara hours. You're probably just visiting your friend in horny jail with this one. 😝

- Word count:

- Format: Bulleted headcanons

Ah, it's been awhile! I suddenly got into the mood to write something and among the asks I have in my inbox, @rollercoasterofdicks and @anniarchy 's asks regarding lingerie are the first ones I was in the mood to write about. (:

I hope you enjoy!

Warning: R-18+ content below the cut!

---

• Gaara honestly doesn't impose a lot of expectations from you as his significant other, sexy-times wise. His mind is too pre-occupied with a lot of office-work related stuff that the man is just finally happy and content to get away from all of it as he comes home to a house that isn't cold and empty. To have a safe, welcoming space with home-cooked meals and a warm bed to rest on had already moved past his expectations to begin with.

• You could be wearing anything, and he'd still be down for it as long as both of you are in the mood. The visual appeal of his beloved's body might always be a treat, but to Gaara, it's the comforting warmth and the familiar scent of your skin that he finds really enticing. You two could just be cuddling innocently- exhausted giggles and whispered rants, the vibration of your back as you laugh against his chest while he's hugging you from behind... then he pulls you closer towards him, a soft purr of his husky voice as he asks you gently if the two of you could do it.

• "I want you..."

• Settling it once and for all in this house, no amount of ugly-patterned matching pajamas could ever stop Gaara from being in the mood to make love to his significant other. You think the fabric you are wearing at such moment would faze this man if he is horny? Not at all!

• But, that doesn't mean he is not open to such surprises involving a sexy lingerie. You just gotta' plant the idea of it bit by bit into his mind so he at least forms the outline of such racy thoughts. I guess you could say he does have a thing for a buildup of some sort, a stimulating thought process that will leave him in anticipation for the climax of your agenda.

• Why not start with a sneaky slip dress that'll make Gaara feel a little guilty for having his thoughts cross the horny boundary?

• You haven't worn such thing before, and he's not outwardly denying the brewing curiosity. Your chosen garment was at the perfect spot where you have him tiptoeing regarding two thoughts- are you simply just trying a fresh pace for sleeping clothes? Or are you implying something?

• Who was he kidding? Obviously this is not for him. This was nothing but an appropriate sleeping garment. Not everything is about him! Just because he's your husband, doesn't mean he get to spoil himself with such ideas. Right?

• Right?

• Gaara's denial would waver as you tease him innocently by pressing your backside against his crotch while the two of you are spooning together for the night.

• The man is honestly overthinking it too much to even get the clear signal in your first try, but he's trying his best.

• If only he could've have the guts to press his hard-on against your tailbone as he traces your exposed thigh with the palm of his hand...

• It wasn't a failed mission though, because you have just started some very flustering imageries in his thoughts starting from that night on, and it's only bound to get better.

• You'd find yourself wondering what type of lingerie is he into, and you've been tempted more than once to flat out ask him about it. Not wanting to ruin the slow-burn of a surprise that you knew he was aware of but just chooses to deny it, you swallowed back your inquiries.

• You did notice that his gaze was already unsteady in that small stunt you pulled with that pale grey slip the other night, so maybe start with something with softer appeal? Something just appropriately playful and teasing?

• This was a ploy to bring Gaara down to his knees, but you couldn't deny that you were enjoying it as much personally. The confidence it brings as you admire yourself in the mirror was already satisfying to begin with, but to Gaara's reaction just swells up your the pride down to the very brim.

• Pale pink, soft beige, good old neutral colors of white, grey and brown where you can't go wrong. Maybe a burnt sienna to hit the perfect spot? Laces, intricate patterns, garter belts. There was a lot to choose from that you'd find yourself having fun in shopping for the next item to torture him with.

• Torture? Why so?

• Because you softly deny his advances.

• "Ahh... I'm kind of tired, Gaara."

• How unfair could you more be?

• You literally just fucking moaned your denial while your supple thighs being snugly hugged by a sheer stockings rubbed against the crotch of his pajamas.

• You're beyond cruel, really.

• But Gaara is a good sport, and by now, he was more than willing to edge himself for you.

• Do the final show on the weekend, please. That's the tiniest hint of demand from Gaara's behalf. If you were finally going to pull him by the collar of his blouse and bring an end to this week-long tease of yours that has been causing some distractions in his work recently, you have to at least let him savor it.

• If you debut the climax with an intricate piece of a lingerie in his favorite color, he will be at your mercy.

• Gaara is a body-worshipper by default, so if you chose to wear a lingerie to increase his already innate desire to adore and praise every inch of your body, he's more than eager to deliver.

• The lingerie stays on during foreplay. Yes, the straps of your bra would be loosened and fall down the curve of your shoulders- maybe he'd sway the pads to the side a little so he could play and suckle on the hardening nub beneath it, but you will stay partially clothed. He was going to make sure that every cent of money you have poured into such a beautifully-hugging, intimate piece of clothing would be worth it. Gaara is going to admire you in it as long as possible.

• Oh? The lingerie is a little constricting? You want to spread your legs a little wider? Maybe you'd like it he fondled your actual mounds rather than having it be massaged under the pads of your bras?

• "...But you look so beautiful in your lingerie, my love."

• Yeah, needless to say this man is taking his chance right now to bite back. With the faked tone of sympathy that you just realized as you the corner of his lips almost formed a soft smirk, you knew that what he meant to say was...

• "The lingerie stays on and you're going to take everything I'm going to do just like that."

• Sadly, though... he's going to have to remove your underwear.

• Sadly though for him. You on the other hand...

• Well, if you're kind enough to pair it up next time with crotchless panties, Gaara would simply just lose his fucking mind.

• Maybe that's what you wanted in the first place though?

• Now, now. Quit spacing out and thinking about the next opportunity of messing him up.

• Should you be really worrying about such right now when you already came so much and he still hasn't even removed his own clothes yet?

---

#gaara #gaara x reader #gaara smut #sabaku no gaara #gaara of the sand

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mysticalwaterdroplet · 3 years

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WARNING! Looooooooooooong venting ahead about why d/h sucks. So if you ship it and have somehow Goren lost in this tag, turn around, cuz if you continue you might get hurt. You have been warned. Also I guess language warning and mature themes...? Just to be safe. I'd also like to give y'all a little side note: I guess I am what people would call a Hawks stan. I personally really like his character and find him intriguing, however I am completely capable of admitting that Hawks has done sum fucked up shit. I still however "stan" Hawks, so I'm going to show why d/h is shit from a logical Hawks stans point of view. Anyways, without delving too deep into the whole Dabi vs Hawks stuff, since I'm not here for it, I'm here to talk about the shitshow that's dabihawks. So, first of all I'll give y'all a lil back story as to why I'm here. Long story short: I accidentally stumbled upon some d/h art and people who still defend the ship (with already debunked theories mind you), I felt kinda sick to my stomach, so I need to vent. Like they were referring to the fight where Hawks killed Twice and basically said: "DiD yOu SeE hOw HaWkS wAs OnLy LoOkInG dAbI iN tHe EyEs ThE wHoLe TiMe. 🤪 ThAt'S sO gAy!?!?!??!??" Bish, where was Hawks and Dabi supposed to look at? THE WALL??? They were fighting! Of course they have to keep an eye on each other. They were also talking about how "DaBi JuSt GoT jElLy CaUsE HaWkS wAs HaNgInG oUt WiTh TwIcE, aNd Is JuSt ClAiMiNg HaWkS!" And they were saying so much more nasty shit that I'd like to write here, but I don't think I physically can, and I also want to spare everyones brains, cuz I already took the L, like if any of y'all know how to get back my brain cells hit me up. I also noticed a common theme of people making Hawks the bottom to like a point where they thirsted over the idea of Dabi "destroying" Hawks' insides, if you know what I mean. Which seems to be the opposite for many of you guys here with finding stuff where Dabi is the bottom? I mean I know many of you guys probably don't like Hawks, but you gotta admit that it's fucked up to think that these shippers think it's hot that one of the people in their makeshift relationship gets seriously hurt in the act without consent. Whether it is Dabi or Hawks they put in that position is irrelevant, they literally like the ship because it's toxic and someone gets hurt. Like in what world would Hawks let Dabi willingly even get close to him or vice versa. We all know damn well that they despise each other. Horikoshi has literally shown that these two never trusted each other, never even tolerated each others shit, so why oh why did this become a thing?! Also, and I know that this can sound annoying to some people... But as a Hawks stan, I don't understand how people can say: "YeAh, I sTaN HaWkS UwU 👉👈, hIm AnD dAbI dEsErVe eAcH oThEr AnD aRe So GoOd ToGeThEr." "ThEy DeFo FuKiN'! Is CaNoN! 🤪" Like:

So... Are we just gonna forget that Dabi literally burnt Hawks' wings off? (Which was understandable looking at the context.) Or how Dabi sent some goons after his mother? Or the fact that Hawks literally idolised the very man that Dabi hates with a burning passion? The shippers: "Oh, BuT hIs WiNgS wIlL gRoW bA-" Bish! The fact that Hawks didn't die or that his wings are allegedly growing back doesn't mean the ship is relevant again. Hoooooo... it's like I can't catch a breather once in a while. How are people trynna stan someone and then say: "Yeah, let's pair our favourite person with the person that is trying to hurt them." HOW!? My initial reaction when Hawks and Dabi interact is: "Fuck. Someone's gonna get hurt." Like if I could have it my way Dabi wouldn't be anywhere near Hawks, they are a danger to eachother. There is no damn way I'd want to see the character I stan for hurt, so why do so many damn stans ship it! I just can't wrap my mind around the "appeal". I just don't see the sexual tension that these people talk about. Anyway I could probably write a whole ass book as to why I personally don't like this ship

but frankly I don't wanna waste your time since it's toxic.

I would like to however debunk a couple of already debunked theories that people use justify the relevance of d/h.

The "childhood friends" theory: Yup. People still cling to it. However Horikoshi literally trashed, stomped on and lit the theory on fire. We saw that Touya went to a regular school and was trained personally by Endeavor. While Hawks was in the commission. There is no way that they knew each other. The way Dabi got Hawks' real name was through his mother. Dabi ain't dumb, he's actually smart and calculating to a point it's almost a little scary.

The "Dabi freed Hawks and Hawks will turn into a villain": Boi.... Dabi didn't free Hawks off anything. Dabi tried to kill him and exposed Hawks and his wrongdoings to the world. That ain't love. Hawks isn't even Dabi's main focus, Hawks is literally just one insignificant part of Dabi's plan. Also, like Horikoshi has wonderfully brought into light, Hawks would never turn to villainy. He didn't even kill Best Jeanist. And he's still, after everything, saying "Endeavor is in trouble." Clearly insinuating that he's going to still help Endeavor. This man is the last person to just become a villain. And people have the audacity to say he'd become a villain because of Dabi. I have no words.

Besides even if for example the childhood friends theory was true (which it isn't, but let's humour the thought) or even IF they were foils, it wouldn't change shit. We'd still be in this situation where they despise each other. Childhood friends wouldn't automatically mean that they'd get along as adults.

-------------------------------------------

Anyways, if you made it this far, you're a damn trooper. Thanks for letting me vent.

And as a short note to end on: I hope I didn't come off as too aggressive. That's not my intention here. Also the text is way less polished and thought out than I'd like it to be, but I honestly don't have the time or energy to give y'all a publishable version of "Why d/h sucks": the Book. So instead you get this. A hastily put together vent cuz I saw sum shit alright.

TLDR: People with a brain can see that these two aren't in love. There has to be some major mental gymnastics in play to get any whiff of chemistry from these two.

#anti dabihawks

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makethiscanon · 3 years

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Hi! I'm a newbie at writing fanfiction and I wanted to ask if you have any tips for newbies. I'm sorry if this is bothering you any. Have a good rest of your day and thank you!

You are not bothering me! I’m honoured you’ve asked me for advice.

As for advice... hmm... I guess the main things I’d say are:

Write what makes you happy. If it’s something you would enjoy reading, there will always be others who agree.

The best fanfics are those that understand the characters. OOC characters can be fun if used for comedic effect, but otherwise figure out two important personality traits and one realistic hobby for each character before you get writing.

Set reasonable word-count goals for each day/week. My personal daily goal is 100 words. It’s not a lot but it’s better than nothing and it’s achievable so I don’t get demotivated. And if you write more than that, then it’s a bonus!

Dialogue is great, but make sure to use more description/action to balance things out.

While you’re still new at this, make sure you read back over what you’ve written once you’re done to find where you can add description or edit errors.

Watch your tenses! I know a lot of people who swap between present and past tense, and it can be really jarring for the readers.

Please don’t axe off or traumatise characters just for the shock factor. It can be super tempting but it needs to be relevant to the plot if you’re going to axe a character everyone loves.

Cliches and tropes are a good thing when it comes to fanfics. People love overused romantic gestures if they get to see it come from their favourite characters from TV shows, etc.

That being said, don’t write a story with the goal of it being popular, e.g. using Bakugou and Todoroki purely because they get high search quantities. If you genuinely love writing for them, then great! But a story will lose its sparkle if you’re not writing what you genuinely have interest in.

I hope this helped a little bit. If you want any advice on specific parts of writing fanfics then feel free to drop me another inbox. I’m always happy to help!

Bonus: MORE IN-DEPTH ADVICE!

Alternate Universe (AU) fics are a great way to create any story you want with the characters you love. If you’re writing in the canon universe, make sure you know your stuff about the show/fandom.

If people try to tell you that your headcanons are wrong, ignore them. Unless you’re writing in the canon universe and it’s a confirmed fact about a character, you can do whatever you like, even if it goes against the most popular headcanon. E.g. people say Bakugou smells like burnt sugar/caramel because of his Quirk. It’s not a confirmed fact, and even if it is, he might still wear whatever cologne he wants so make him smell however you want!

Depending on where you post your fanfics once you’re done, use the tagging features to your advantage! AO3 has the most comprehensive tagging system, so make sure to tag your fics with (relevant) popular tags, as well as some tags more specific to your story (perhaps “pool party” or “amusement park” if that’s where it’s set).

You never have to write what you are uncomfortable writing, even if someone absolutely begs you or bullies you to write it, and this is not limited to N S F W or taboo topics, but literally anything you don’t want to write. If it’s a ship you don’t support, it’s your prerogative to turn it down. Just stay polite and professional and you should be fine.

If someone else’s fanfiction inspires one of your stories, make sure you acknowledge them in an author’s note and let them know personally. It’s respectful, and honestly it can save you a lot of grief down the line.

Always remember you don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to writing. You are free to stop when you like and start when you like, write about who you like and whatever topics you like. You’re putting in time and effort to create free stories for others to read, so make sure they are always done on your terms. 💖💖

#Inbox #Sarah talks #Ask Sarah #Writing Tips #Writing Motivation #fanfic blogging #fanfic advice #writing advice #SarahTalksShop

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halcyonnhood · 4 years

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Ramen, Baking and Glitter || l.h

Summary: Luke realizes he loves his best friend while on tour and confronts the feelings when he sees her again.

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: possibly a few curse words.

Authors note: The italics are Luke's memories of her! After the asterisks (***) is when they're back in LA and in present tense. I hope the format looks okay, I typed this out on my phone. Also the OC is very special to me (more about that in the tags.) I may write more about her and Luke.

- - -

The band 5 seconds of summer have travelled thousands of miles over the years. They've explored new countries, cities, and towns. They've met new fans, friends, and probably too many flirty humans. Luke enjoys every last bit of it, he thrives on the attention. Yet, no amount of love from fans manages to take his mind off one of his best friends waiting back in LA for him. Everything happens to remind him of Sarah.

When the boys stayed in Japan, Michael had demanded to stop for ‘proper’ ramen before they left the country. Of course, no one had the heart to deny him his love for traditional Japanese food. The four of them had been bantering and talking about plans when the longing had struck Luke. He was mid bite of his chicken ramen and all he can remember is the silly heated debate he and Sarah had before the tour.

Sarah tosses the bright orange bag back at Luke and scrunched her nose in disgust. She hadn't eaten all day and upon arriving at Luke's house, she decided she wanted to fix something easy. So naturally, she rummaged through his cabinets and made Luke reach the ramen shoved on the top shelf. When he handed the orange bag to her with “chicken flavored” printed across the top, she felt like she was going to have a brain hemorrhage. Now she just stares up at the top shelf in disappointment, as if red bags would magically appear instead.

“I want ramen.” Sarah tells him with pouted lips.

“You just threw the ramen at me,” Luke says. He points at the bag on the counter.

“Yeah, because that's disgusting.” She makes sure to enunciate the word disgusting. “It's chicken.”

“What do you have against chicken ramen? You like chicken, we literally just had some last night.” Luke questions.

“Ya, we had grilled chicken. It's the flavoring in the ramen, it's weird.”

“What kind do you like then?”

“Beef.” Sarah says. She gives him a playful smile when he rolls his eyes at her, “It is the only acceptable ramen.”

“It is not!” He argues. “You're just wrong, you monster. Chicken is a classic,”

She fake gags, “I have taste buds, you giant oaf. Now we have to go to the store because you're wrong.”

Luke spent the rest of the Japan trip thinking about Sarah. He thought about how much he missed her randomly dropping by his house and pretending she owned it. He thought about how she would've really enjoyed eating traditional ramen instead of the instant kind, she would never want to leave the foreign country. Lastly, he made a mental note to buy the girl all the beef ramen she could ever want and to find a restaurant that serves the real stuff. He knows something so small would make her whole day and he just wants her to smile.

Japan isn't the only time Luke is reminded of the strong willed girl. They had met a fan in Munich who looked uncannily like Sarah and he hadn't been the only one who noticed. If Luke's being honest, he hadn't been paying much attention to the girl at first. She had won some radio station competition and the whole band had greeted her at once before she turned to talk to Michael first. He had taken more of a notice to her after catching Michael's not so subtle glance at the boys and the first thing he had connected was the hair. The fan had her hair honey blonde hair pulled back into a French braid, so what? It wasn't uncommon to see the almost brown hair color and the style was popular. It's not like he hadn't seen it on anyone other than Sarah, he had. It was just such a common sight around his household that he automatically associated it with her.

When the fan had made it to him and pulled away from the hug, Luke felt bad for not paying attention to anything she said. He wanted to, but he was captivated by how she could be a perfect doppelganger. Dark olive green eyes, freckles spotted across flushed cheeks, and a small button nose. All things that looked eerily similar and one look at the boys showed that they had seen it too.

“Holy shit,” Michael said as soon as she had left “That kid looked exactly like Sarah,”

“It's weird,” Calum added. “I mean, all of the features just matched,”

Ashton had chuckled at their surprise, “They do say everyone has lookalikes,”

“Still so weird, especially after not seeing Sarah in months.” Luke said with a shrug. He tried not to think about it too hard.

Three different shows went by without Luke being reminded of her. He thinks it's because he made more of an effort to facetime her at the end of his nights and fulfill his longing to talk to her. When they stop in Paris, he's proven wrong. Luke wishes he could be cheesy and say it's because he realized he was in love with her while in the city of love. Except he realized his love was more than platonic weeks ago.

Ashton had suggested that they go somewhere local for breakfast. So, the duo set out on an adventure for the best place that served breakfast. They ended up in a bakery, ordering an abundance of baked goods and iced coffee. The savory scent of bread mingling with the sweet scent of pastries and cookies reminded him of none other than the girl that he may or may not be in love with. More often than not, she'd spend her extra time using new recipes to bake cookies, cake, and bread. Most of the time she subjected the boys to taste testing, but none of them seemed to mind. There would be days that Calum would be sad to come over to Luke's and find no treats. It was even sadder on recording days when she couldn't make it to the studio to visit and drop off her baked goods. The best days were always when she stopped by.

“Booooys,” Sarah sing songs, “I made some cookies!”

She sits the plate covered with aluminum foil on the desk and sits next to Michael on the couch. Ashton's listening to the producer play back their latest song while both Luke and Calum are diving for the plate to see who gets a cookie first. The sight just reminds her of how childish they can both be and it makes her laugh.

"What kind are they today?” Michael asks.

Luke sits back and looks at the cookie in his hand while waiting for her to respond with her normal rambles about the recipe. Usually she'll tell them all about how the website lied about the amount of butter or come up with an excuse to why ‘the first batch is bad’. He has to admit that he loves hearing her get so passionate over her baking skills.

“I made two. Can you believe it? TWO!” Sarah excitedly tells him. “I made salted caramel and raspberry with white chocolate chips. AND the caramel is homemade!”

"Wait, you know how to make caramel? This is so good” Calum says while waving around the half eaten cookie.

"It's so easy, it's just cream, sugar, and butter. But it burns if you don't take it off the heat fast enough. I may have ruined a pan,” She explains the last part timidly.

Some time during her explaining how to make caramel, Ashton had also grabbed one of the cookies. He just shakes his head at the girl with a chuckle, “Sarah, you'd be a good baker if you didn't burn everything,”

"Says the man who is on his second cookie,” Sarah says with a glare.

"This is the third time you've burnt something,”

“I'm betting that other bakers have burnt things before!” She argues.

The other three stay quiet as the two go at it, both of them living for the argument. For a minute, Luke thinks that Ashton is enjoying it too much. That is until Sarah's expression softens from the furrowed brow to a relaxed and playful one instead. Sometimes he thinks they're both too argumentative and honest for their own good, but it always ends in good fun. He could never understand why they actually enjoyed arguing and often times egged each other on, but as long as no one ends up in tears, everyone let's them hash it out.

“The cookies are really good, Sarah.” Luke tells her honestly. His insides feel melty and gooey as her eyes light up at the compliment.

"Thank you, Luke!” She thanks him in an overly sweet tone, “You know how to be a GOOD best friend. That's why I love you,”

It's possible that Luke had fallen hopelessly in love, not that he'd admit it. He had spent the entire world tour consumed with thoughts about Sarah, always seeking out bits and pieces of her in every place they visited. He even associated her with ramen out of all things. Ramen. He knew he'd have to deal with the conflicting emotions eventually, but he still opted to push them away to have a clear head for the rest of tour. A mostly clear head. All he knew was that it was a future Luke problem.

* * *

“Are you really bringing up the brownies I made in 2017?”

“They were MEMORABLE! Gosh, I remember how bitter they were. It feels like it happened yesterday,”

“Cocoa powder is bitter, you little shit!”

The argument can be heard throughout the hallway leading up to the dressing rooms in the Forum. Luke hadn't been expecting to hear the bright voice until later tonight, so naturally when he hears her, it makes his heart soar. Her words towards Ashton sounds harsh, but he can hear the playful hints in her tone. He isn't even to the door and can already visualize her darkened blonde hair falling past her shoulders, her usual makeup, and a smile tugging at her pink lips. He feels like he might explode with excitement.

Luke is right. He leans against the doorframe and watches two of his favorite people argue. She has half of her hair pulled back in a ponytail, purple glitter tapped onto her cheekbones, and the light catches on her shiny lip gloss. Neither of them acknowledge his presence, but Michael gives him a knowing grin from one of the chairs. He doesn't mind, he's just happy to see her again and admittedly he missed their playful fights. It gives him time to think about how he'd admit his love.

Girls are usually the ones to secretly fall in love with their best friends, at least that's how it's always portrayed in shows. Is it weird for guys to do that? Luke isn't sure how he's supposed to tell her, should there be some grand gesture? Just be straight up with no frilly things? He should've bought her flowers on the way here from their last promo video. He just wants her to feel appreciated whether or not she holds the same feelings towards him.

Luke is brought out of his daze by a smaller body colliding with his and warm arms wrapping around his midsection. He envelopes the smaller girl in his arms and gives her the tight squeeze that he's been waiting months for. She pulls back and he smooths down her frizzy hair with a small smile.

“I missed you so much, Luke.” Sarah smiles brightly up at him. The sight is enough to turn his heart to mush.

He just returns the warm smile, “I missed you more,”

“Now that you're here,’ Sarah turns around dramatically and points a manicured finger at Ashton before continuing, “You can protect me from bullies!”

“What's he bullying you bout’ this time?”

“My brownies! He can never be nice to me. I slaved all night for y'all and he brings up the disaster of 2017. I'm so much better now.” Sarah huffs.

She snatches the Tupperware bowl off of Ashtons lap and twirls around to push it into Luke's hands instead. He takes one out and savors the first bite, Sarah watching his every move for a reaction. She isn't wrong, it's much better than the first time when she forgot to add enough sugar. When he makes a noise of appreciation for the sweet treat, her face lights up and she sticks her tongue out at Ashton with a laugh. Luke swears that he could watch her soft features all evening, but he could settle for a bit of time before the concert. The last concert of the tour. Then he could spend the rest of his days talking to and watching her when she visits.

Sarah points her nose up in a mocking way, “See, Luke agrees that they are good brownies. I'm right. Now if you excuse us, I've got to paint Luke's nails!” .

“Luke's opinion doesn't mean you're right,” Ashton tuts.

"It does too! Accept defeat, Ash.” She calls out while dragging Luke out of the room with her.

Luke almost forgot that he had texted asking her to repaint his nails. Between potentially obsessive thoughts, promo, concerts, and trying to be a real tourist; Luke hadn't found the time to find someone to keep up with his nails. He definitely wants them done for the show, so he doesn't complain about their abrupt departure from the boys. Sarah leads him a few rooms down to one of the unoccupied dressing rooms and points at the lineup of polish bottles on the makeup desk.

"I didn't know what color you wanted this time, so I bought nearly half of my collection with me,” She says.

"You didn't have to bring all this, Sarah. You could've just picked one for me,”

“I wanted to have a choice! I think you should pick something new though. No black or red.”

“You're really going to do that to me?” Luke asks in mock distress.

It makes Sarah let out a giggle and roll her eyes, “I'm so horrible, I know.”

It only takes Luke a moment to narrow down which colors he liked best. He really wanted the sparkly red, but he couldn't ignore her opinion when he valued it so much. She wants something different, so he hands her the pastel pink polish and gives her a sheepish glance. She doesn't react badly though, she just gives him a wide smile with her pretty lips and motions for him to sit in the chair.

Sarah gets to work with painting his nails, making precise strokes to avoid a mess of polish. He admires the patience and steadiness required to do such a simple task, because the last time he tried it looked like a toddlers handy work. After watching three nails being covered in pink, he turns his attention back to taking in her features. Her brows dip down into a tiny furrow as she concentrates and he notices the new freckles dotted around her forehead and nose. He figures that she must've been in the sun recently, he's always known that the spots darken with exposure to sunlight. He likes how it just adds more depth to her complexion.

Luke also enjoys the glitter. She tends to save the bold look for festivals and he wants to tease her about how their show must be important. He just finds himself fascinated by how it looks on her and how it instantly brightens all of her features. Of course he wouldn't tease her about it when he thinks she looks so effortlessly pretty. Although the thought of him being the reason for her flushed cheeks is tempting enough.

When Sarah sets the closed bottle back onto the desk, Luke notices her makeup sitting neatly in the corner, probably so she can freshen up throughout the night. He wonders if the glitter would have the same effect on him. Plus, he just wants her close to him.

“What's going on in that brain of yours?” Sarah waves a hand in front of his face.

“I was just thinking,”

She purses her lips at him, “No shit, sherlock. Elaborate,”

"You know how you do your makeup? I was thinking about if I'd look good in it and if the fans would like it” Luke tells her honestly.

“The fans would love it, lu. And we'd be matching!” She gushes. He can tell she's already visualizing the look on him.

"Can you do mine too then?”

"I don't think you could afford my services,” She answers, while already reaching for her makeup.

There's more steps to the makeup look than Luke had originally anticipated. She explains each and every step to him and somehow listening to her explain bb cream ends up being the softest thing in the world. She promised that it'd only even out the redness and he does like how natural he looks. After contouring and adding blush, she finally moves onto his eyeshadow and glitter. He catches a glance at himself in the mirror as she pulls back his hair into a half ponytail and he likes how pretty he looks. The glitter looks nice on him and he matches Sarah perfectly.

Sarah pulls out the gloss wand with a ‘pop' sound and smiles at the man, “One last thing.”

"Thank you. I almost look as pretty as you,” He tells her. He likes how her face flushes a darker pink at his compliment.

"Oh, stop that. You could rock it better than me any day,”

Luke studies Sarah's expression for a moment while she puts her makeup away and he's never wanted to kiss someone more. He's spent months away and he's been consumed by his newfound romantic love for her. Now that she's in front of him again, he wants to kiss her and take her out for authentic beef ramen like he had planned. He wants to watch her bake and compliment all of her new recipes. He wants to hold her tight and never leave her again. He's just afraid that she'll never see him as anything other than a friend. He'd accept any love over none at all, but he'll never know the difference until he tries.

"Sarah, can I be honest with you?” Luke questions.

She looks up at him with wide eyes, “Always. What's up?”

"I think I love you,” Luke tells her carefully. “Tour gave me a lot of time to think about how I feel about you.”

"Romantically?” Sarah looks at him in awe and points at herself, “Me?”

"Yes, you.”

“I'm really not sure what to say in this situation,”

"You don't have to say anything,” Luke rubs his sweaty palms against his pants, “We can just pretend this never happened.”

"No, I mean…I think I like you too. It's just that you're my best friend and you were gone. So I don't know how I really feel? It's easy to think one thing without the person around. Now you're here and what if I just missed you?”

"We can always wait to talk about this,” He assures her, “I was just going to ask you to go on a date with me after the show,”

She gives him a lopsided smile, “What kind of date?”

“I figured I'd ask you to a Japanese restaurant, but no weird seafood since you hate that. I thought you'd like some traditional ramen. We had it in Japan and it reminded me of you.”

"The real stuff? Michael talks about how good it is all the time!”

Luke smiles at her reaction, “Would you like to go with me?”

"You know what? Yes! It'll be fun.”

The boys are finishing up last second preparations backstage when Sarah joins them. Michael and Calum are talking with each other and she doesn't see Ashton with them yet, so she takes it as a chance to talk to Luke. He's fidgeting with his in-ear monitors when he notices her walking up to him, a sneaky expression across her features.

"Being a troublemaker?” Luke raises an eyebrow at her.

"You know it! I just took a break to wish you luck,”

"I always need that,” He chuckles.

The stage managers are rushing around and one speeds by calling out that they'll be on in one minute. Luke gives her a frown, sad to leave in the middle of a conversation. Sarah on the other hand just smiles instead and motions for him to lean down. When the tall boy does, she stands on her toes and places a soft kiss against his lips. His blue eyes widened at the unexpected kiss, but softened after the initial shock. She pulls her lip gloss out and touches up his gloss that she had messed up, not wanting to ruin his look. Luke didn't expect Sarah to make the first move, yet he's the one blushing.

“I-” He starts.

Sarah doesn't let him get a word in edgewise and pushes him lightly towards their other three friends, “I think you're going on now,”

"You look pretty. I'll see you after!” She adds again with a smile at the shocked man.

Luke is definitely in love with her, there's not a single doubt in his mind. All he can think about through the concert is the fact that he's never been so excited for noodles in his entire life. Noodles and his favorite girl.

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ianpriceisnotright · 4 years

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it’s time the kid got free - an ian price playlist for his past, present, and future

i. when she looks at me and laughs, i remind her of the facts. i'm the king of rock 'n' roll completely... hot dog, jumping frog, albuquerque! // like it's gold, you're a prophet. someone's gonna profit. // pawn on every chess board, used 'til they get bored. smile when they yell, 'checkmate.' // i'm supposed to be happy and free. everyone is talking to me. most of the nights, i lay on my phone, watching the world... nobody knows the sadness i hold. nobody sees what's about to unfold. // i been thinking about you and i wanna go do something nice. i can't take rejection and that's why i pay the crazy price. if you ain't ecstatic i feel like i blew it big time. i'm a little manic, i just wanna see your big smile. nothing means more to me than when i hear that you're proud of me. // i'm wasted, losing time. i'm a foolish, fragile spine. i want all that is not mine. i want him, but we're not right. // i should've stayed at home, 'cause right now i see all these people that love me but i still feel alone. // i had a dream i got everything i wanted. not what you'd think, and if i'm being honest, it might've been a nightmare. // if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad? // somewhere i lost some of my innocence, and i miss it. stay up all night thinking it's twisted, my life's been survival of the fittest, but i did it. // they tell me i've got something more, and oh you could be loved. but i don't want the lights to find me when i'm dark and lost but never on my own... they said you'll never be alone again, but i don't think you understand me or what i fear... i wonder how it feels to burn out young. // this is everything i wanna say, but can't say yet. and everything i wanna change, but can't change. // they said, don't meet your heroes, they're all fucking weirdos, and god knows that they were right. because nobody loves you, they just try to fuck you, then put you on a feature on the b-side. and who do you call when it's late at night, when the headlines just don't paint the picture right? when you look at yourself on a screen and say, "oh my god, there's no way that's me..." i remember this girl with pink hair in detroit, she said, "you gotta promise us that you won't die 'cause we need you" and honestly i think that she lied. // who put the world on my back and not in my hands? just give me a chance... think i'm reaching my limit. can i exhale for a minute? // i hold you so proudly. traumas, they surround me. i wish you'd just love me back. // i think the kids are in trouble. i do not know what all the troubles are for. give them ice for their fevers. you're the only thing i ever want anymore. live on coffee and flowers and try not to wonder what the weather will be. // i found love in a place i thought was hopeless, now i'm glad i stayed... but i still say i don't wanna be here. i don't wanna be here, i don't wanna be here, take me away. // i'm a pretty boy livin' on the west side, livin' so loud, you could never hear me cry... no more fears and no more lies, i tell myself to sleep at night, amongst these hills, baby. // god, i wonder why we bother. all the glamour, and the trauma, and the fucking melodrama.

ii. i can fake a smile, i can force a laugh. i can dance and play the part if that's what you ask... but i'm only human, and i crash and i break down. your words in my head, knives in my heart. you build me up and then i fall apart. // i thought if i was older, i'd have less on my shoulders. i can't tell if i'm sad or bored. most nights i am not sober. l.a.'s making me colder. i've got voices i can't ignore... took my patience for weakness. i wish i would have had the choice. // rip me open, you'll see you're not the only one who's hopeless... don't let me let you down. hey, baby i'm not your superhuman, and if that's what you want, i hate to let you down... it's such a long and awful lonely fall down from this pedestal that you keep putting me on. // and just like a tale my dream was a scam. you waited smiling for this? i am burnt out... oh maybe i'll talk about it. i'll never talk about it. // i'm like a paper cup with a pin prick. you can fill me up but i'll only stay full for a while... you say you understand me well i don't get you at all. it seems everyone around me is so good at faking it that i don't know just how to act around you. // i'm afraid that i've gone vacant, and i don't have time for your equations... when you push me like hell, that's when i start to despise myself. // honestly, what will become of me? don't like reality, it's way too clear to me... we are what we don't see. we miss everything daydreaming. // i was in but i want out. my mother's love is choking me. i'm sick of words that hang above my head. what about the kid? it's time the kid got free... i'm sitting pretty on the throne. there's nothing more i want, except to be alone.

iii. you peaked. sorry to kick deep, but heard your story before it's not unique... why can't you just play your part? you were supposed to be somebody. you were supposed to make more money. // these are the reasons i drink. the reasons i tell everybody i'm fine even though i am not. these are the reasons i overdo it... to make up for these habits, to survive this sick industry. // why do i waste so much time on things that i can't fix? all these things i hold inside i just can't forget. thought that i could let this go, but i ain't know that it would be like this... baby, i'm impossible to be with. // said my spirit doesn't move like it did before. said that i don't look like me no more. i said i'm just tired, she said you're just high... oh, i make you cringe now. don't i make you cringe? // you're so shook when i look right past you, so surprised you don't get an answer... ain't it weird to feel small 'n stuff? oh, come on, just say something. no, go ahead, tell me, what do i need? // these people don't heal, these people don't feel. these people aren't real so make me this deal. won't you gimme love when i'm gone? // all these voices in my head get loud. i wish that i could shut them out. i'm sorry that i let you down. yeah, i guess i'm a disappointment... paranoia, what did i do wrong this time? that's parents for you. very loyal? shoulda had my back, but you put a knife in it, my hands are full. what else should i carry for you? // i would rather rot alone then spend a minute with you. i'm gone, i'm gone. and you can't stop me from falling apart, 'cause my self-destruction is all your fault... doesn't matter what i do, nothing's gonna change. i'm never good enough... how could you, how could you, how could you love me? when all you ever gave me were open wounds? // oh and i tried to start caring like you and like them when you said that i was killing myself. i healed everything but my shame. // and at once, i knew i was not magnificent.

iv. and they tell you that you're lucky, but you're so confused, 'cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used... and they still tell the legend of how you disappeared. how you took the money and your dignity, and got the hell out. // i know that i'm stuck in this misery. guess i'm not enough like you used to think, so i'll just run. // out on my own, kicked out of the show. i'll take what's mine and i'll go. // you've got a second chance, you could escape it all... you could still be what you want to. // i'm a goner. somebody catch my breath. i wanna be known by you. // i had a hole in the middle where the lightning went through it. told my friends not to worry... didn't want to be your ghost. didn't want to be anyone's ghost. // some say love is a burning thing that it makes a fiery ring. but i know love as a fading thing, just as fickle as a feather in a stream... i will not open myself up this way again. // you can't take back what you've taken away, 'cause i feel you. i feel you near me. // have you forgotten what you have and what is yours...? there's so much more, you can reclaim your crown. you're in control. rid of the monsters inside your head, put all your faults to bed. you can be king again. // somebody said you disappeared in a crowd. i didn't understand then, i don't understand now... i was solid gold, i was in the fight. i was coming back from what seemed like a ruin... now i only think about los angeles when the sun kicks out. // first night of your life curled up on your own. looking at you now, you would never know. // i do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes. // shout out to the old me and everything he showed me. glad you didn't listen when the world was trying to slow me... had to fuck it up before i really got to know me. // what if who i hoped to be was always me? and the love i fought to feel was always free? what if all the things i've done were just attempts at earning love? 'cause the hole inside my heart is stupid deep.

#◦ ` ･ but i'm older than i am #◦ ` ･ killed my old self but the new me isn't much better #◦ ` ･ playlist #◦ ` ･ mine

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landofsomethingsomething · 5 years

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Super agree with you regarding epilogues ruining engagement. I was personally able to just completely boot the epilogues out of my brain, and hs still means a ton to me. But now I can't browse most content since it's epilogue stuff, and most people I followed who hated them too have completely divorced hs as a whole. Which I get, but yeah. It's just depressing. I'm not ready to give hs up, but I feel l'll have to since the epilogues eclipsed everything and there's just nothing left now.

Just realized my previous ask may imply guilting content creators for not making things I want, and I want to apologize for that. Not what I intended. I really just wanted to say that even from the perspective of someone who is still as passionate as I always was for hs, I'm feeling the strain the epilogues caused. It feels like the epilogues murdered the fandom rather than let it die a natural peaceful death.

Initially, honestly, that was my exact plan too - Just go on as though they hadn’t happened. But I ran into the same thing you and others have: No matter how mealy mouthed people get about “dubious canonicity” and the murk they are purportedly attempting to create between pure fanwork and pure canon... the epilogues are right there on the main page with the rest of the story. This isn’t like That One Ubiquitous Fanon Detail We Hate But Is Everywhere that we all surely have (more than one, for most of us really) because it comes explicitly from a place of authority over the work. The stuff that comes from other fans is so much easier to work with because we are all on equal ground from an authenticity standpoint. The epilogues are not on equal ground. They are authoritative and no matter how stubbornly we insist we will disregard them in their entirety, of course new canon (and that is what it is, again, no matter how mealy mouthed people are about it) is going to seep into the greater fandom consciousness. Like of course it is. Just like Act 7 quashed exploration of the characters’ individual goals because the body of the work authentically stated it had been to play along with paradox space’s rules and just make a new frogverse the whole time. Just like the Credits quashed exploration of alternate new universes and Earth Cs and what godhood looks like and how the kids grew from their experiences and what that growth led them to become.

Of course I don’t think either of those were malicious the way the epilogues were, that’s just how it is. New canon will always change a fandom’s working parameters fundamentally unless literally no one reads it, I guess. Schroedinger’s canon.

I think that I was honestly just naively, optimistically banking on more people disregarding it entirely. I thought to myself that it was so bad and so insulting and so objectively fucking awful, of course the collective community would just ignore it. But that was just me being an idiot - of course it’s messier than that, no community is a hivemind. People are picking and choosing details to keep and details to ignore and details to expand on and details to minimize and the end result, really, is just that the epilogues are fucking everywhere in a bunch of scintillating fractured different forms, infecting everything and making it all totally unpalatable to people like me, who genuinely wanted to just forget it ever happened while somehow still remaining plugged in. I’m not sure why I was so confident it would be possible at the time, looking back it was really pretty stupid of me lol.

The truth is that the story I liked does not exist anymore, because subsequent parts of a story by necessity recontextualize the rest. I’ve argued for years that Homestuck Is Actually Good based on a lot of things that came from a place of empathy for creators who meant well but were burnt out and wanted to move on. Well, ok. My bad, again. I can’t go back and not have the knowledge I do now, and all the joy I used to feel at the potential of those unfinished arcs and unanswered questions and dangling plot threads, the fire it all lit in me to write things and showcase possibilities through that writing to show other people why I thought Homestuck was So Good - that’s gone - and nothing will ever convince me that wasn’t half the point of it, that getting us out of the playground wasn’t part of the intent.

That’s the difference between how much I disliked the Ending and how much I disliked the Epilogues. The Ending was ridiculous, but in a way that left the stuff I did like intact while creating an open field of possibility to fill in. The Epilogues purposely took that field and filled it up with as much garbage as possible with the specific intent of driving the people who had been enjoying that space out of it, and ensuring the people left behind were, well, playing with garbage. I feel like I’m watching a social experiment where the creators behind an old megafandom are trying to answer the question of how much literal shit do you have to give people before they stop touching it? It’s honestly disconcerting, I don’t know how to describe it, and I realize people are going to find that condescending but I truly do not know how else to describe my feelings while also somehow making clear that my intent is not to wail at everyone “doing fandom wrong,” or whatever. There’s no wrong way to do fandom, the entire point of fandom is to do exactly what people are doing, to take bits and pieces of a thing and play with them. I am the one with the problem here, not everyone else.

The intention here, really, is sort of just to mourn, because the fandom pivoted at a critical point in a direction I didn’t expect or want and as a result people including me have been alienated from continuing to engage with it. The same thing would have happened to a different subset of people had things gone the way I thought they would, too, for the record. There was no way to “win” this, no “right” way to deal with it, it just is what it is and this is what it looks like from my perspective.

#text #asks #epilogues #i should honestly not post this but my queue is about to run out and im feeling existential about it #Anonymous

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