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h-pelessly · 24 days

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Circling Back to You by Julie Tieu (7/10) I picked this one up because I saw it at B&N and it was Asian rep– written by an Asian author and both MCs are Asian, but the thing that had me starting was that there was an audio version available. When I first read it, it gave me very comfortable vibes, but then as I started reading on, I was not amused. This is a workplace romance where they were already workplace husband/wife and they bring it to life. Their chemistry was non-existent. Like just stay work husband/wife because bringing it outside of work made me roll my eyes. Cadence, the FMC, was weirdly jealous before they even got together which is understandable, but the standoff vibes she gave was like??????????? You are a middle aged corporate girlie. Please act more professionally. And their biggest problem was proximity like if that’s your biggest problem, you should not be together. And the ending is that they date when he is her boss??????? Yeah, no thanks I was so bored less than a quarter in.

Tutoring the Player (8/10) I loved this book. It had me giggling and kicking my feet. The way I was transported back to another Briar U kind of moment? Not exactly– I missed my off campus boys, but this shit was cute like that. I didn’t have a thing for Jordan like my obsession with Garrett, but it is what it is. Regardless, it was still such a cute story. Not gonna completely lie though, the FMC, Daisy and her friends being the “wallflowers” is such a stupid concept, but the love triangle piece is chef’s kiss. Sometimes, I had to remind myself that these are barely turned adults. I was highkey so annoyed with the cousin, Violet.

To Love Jason Thorne by Ella Maise (7/10) You can never go wrong with a best friend’s brother trope. SUPERIOR trope. I was kind of intrigued by the childhood friends to lovers which was the best part of the book in my opinion. It made me feel things like I wanted to hug little Olive when she felt like she was in love with Jason while he saw her as just her brother’s younger sister. Then it all went downhill. I absolutely loved Olive and her supportive friends (mostly just Lucy) but I loved how Olive is an aspiring/successful writer. But JASON. Jason threw me tf off. He was a known player and a bad boy? No sir, you are too innocent (bc we knew him as a little boy) to be acting like this. So the marriage of convenience trope was pretty good and the “my wife” microtrope is absolutely superior, but I was like this is so cheesy. Also, her friends being absolutely backstabbers????? Yeah, totally uncalled for. Anyways, my faves are Lucy, Olive being up there as well, then Jason (bc he’s a man and was honestly boring.)

Practice Makes Perfect by Sarah Adams (6.9/10) Will Griffin is my man. His tattoos in the cover???? Yes sir. And his bodyguard job? Yes please— I didn’t even know how attractive I found it until him. However, I was so bored. Like Will is super sweet to Annie, but there’s so much miscommunication and I felt suffocated by the small town vibe. Like EVERYONE was in their business. Annie felt like she was placed in a box by the town and her sisters which I felt for her, but I’m like you are literally a grown ass woman. If you can’t tell your sisters (who are so wrong for making you feel like this first of all) then how are you going to tell the town how you feel? And her dream for a white picket fence future like I felt so suffocated like Will. Yeah he’s super gentle and patient with her, but I felt like everything was so slow in the book that I genuinely wanted to gauge out my eyes for most of the book. There are some very emotional parts!!

The Inmate by Freida Mcfadden (7/10) Um, the twists and turns??? I was lowkey mad that my intuition was wrong because I thought there was something wrong with Tim-- he's too possessive. AND from my mystery/thriller shows, I feel like I know the fact that if you don't see something, you might be wrong so I was confused. Honestly though I was annoyed at the FMC so I was like honestly I don't care if you get your HEA if you act like this. I did NOT expect the ending like that shit was wild. How are u gonna drop the fact that Josh is a child of incest and just walk away????? He also killed his father (who was bound to kill him but hello??) Although this was not my fav, I'm excited to read/listen to more Frieda Mcfadden.

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h-pelessly · 27 days

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March Reads

Betting on You by Lynn Painter (10/10) I'm in love with Lynn Painter's writing. At first, I read this with the mindset that nothing YA/hs will beat Wes Bennett from BTTM knowing Charlie is Wes' cousin. However, this book also made me sob. There were a lot of tropes jam packed into this, but I enjoyed it. The only thing I didn't love about this one is Bailey, the FMC. She was a little naive and I like my FMCs a little strong. But the way these two acted and interacted brought me right back to high school. This is a perfect friends to lovers book and I will absolutely cry over it any day. A quote that really stuck with me was "I wanted to show you that you can trust me to never disappear again" when Charlie wanted to give Bailey his cat. BABY, I WILL SOB

The Cupcake Cowboy by Rose Rayne Rivers (7/10) This was an ARC read for an indie author. I am currently in my sports romance era (when am I not tbfh) but I was like hmmmm let me jump into this. Not going to completely lie, I got bored. I did like Kaytlyn's sassy mouth, but it was also like ???? Do u know when to shut up. Blayke and Kaytlyn met when Blayke's "brother" (by heart) brings him to the diner Kaytlyn works at to showcase his crush. Immediately, Blayke falls in love. The insta attraction threw me off. But the struggles they went through was mediocre. I didn't feel my relation to the characters at all.

Break the Girl by Rachel Jonas and Nikki Thorne (7.5/10) For a dark romance, I didn't hate it. I was kinda surprised at this, but then again, people are saying that it's not really a dark romance so i don't know. But to me, it was a dark romance bc I would personally not like to exist in here. But it was slightly in this world so I don't know if it classifies as such. ANYWHO, I got this on one of syk days, and I was like I need a break from fluffy romances or at least a filler. This one is about a bully frat which I can kind of see, but also, it's like what the fuck is this brotherhood shit. It's also a why choose which is why I was kinda okay with it. Let's cover all this shit up with smut and it'll all be alright. The girl was realistically fighting against her fate, and the boys ended up pleasuring her altogether. So in a way, it was sweet they didn't push her. This is part of a trilology which is cool, but like there's no HEA or any sense of closure so I am not necessarily looking forward to finishing/continuing.

Collided by Lauren Asher (7/10) I liked this a bit better than the first one. I never got around to reading it until I found an audio version of it. This one, like the first book, was tension filled. To the point where the slow burn didn't make sense because we all know what's going to happen like there was no angst at all. I do love banter and a slow burn, but it was kind of like there were no other barrier. Under developed for an Asher book imo. A lot of things didn't make sense such as why Liam was so fixated on Sophie's "fuck it" list when he kind of had something like that with someone else and ended it. That didn't make sense to me. Or the father-daughter relationship between Sophie and her dad-- super weird imo. But I mean I did end up liking it more and might as well finish the Dirty Air series.

The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang (7.5/10) I personally had a love-hate relationship with this book, but I can't lie that this book made me feel things. I did feel the romance/love aspect, but it wasn't as strong as other emotions. I hated the fact that Michael, the Asian MMC was a sex worker (escort). Like there's nothing wrong with it, but the fact that he experienced racism while doing his work made me so uncomfortable. And he had to be Vietnamese too like that shit hurt so much. Anyway, someone said the autism was fucked out of Stella, the FMC, and I cannot stop thinking about that. I honestly don't think the characters would last together IRL, but it was a cute attempt that they ended up engaged/married.

Faceoff by Mari Loyal (7.3/10) This book was an ARC so I didn't know what to expect. This was a sports (hockey) romance in a college setting. I have some things that I didn't like, but I honestly did enjoy it. It had me giggling and kicking my feet. I love my independent and strong FMCs. This is a rivals-to-lovers romance which has a latina FMC. I loved getting to know her family. And the MMC, chef's kiss. He's so patient and kind to her, Luz, and he lets her shine. If he wasn't so young, I'd be in love.

Hook, Line, and Sinker by Tessa Bailey (6.9/10) I was actually loving this at first then I got super bored. Granted, it was a book in a form of audio, but I thoroughly understood it and loved it at first (the tension) then I got super bored. I was like why??? Then I realized it wasn't because of the friends-to-lovers trope, but it was because the FMC, Hannah, was kind of unlikable. Her problem was kind of stupid which like to be fair is something everyone goes through, but it's just that fact that lil miss billioniare feels that way is insane. She was like disguised as a poor girl. I barely liked her in Piper's story; she was kinda eh. And Fox was so likable in Piper and Brennan's story. Too bad he is kind of unlikable in his story as well. You're telling me everyone treats him like a player and although he has a hate-love relationship with it, he refuses to step out of his own stereotype???? Give me a break. These two will break up in the mere future tbh.

Alpha Inmate by Liliana Carlisle (6.2/10) I mean it definitely wasn't as bad or terrifying as "The Sacrifice" but it wasn't good either. This is my first romantasy and even though it was a novella, it was confusing as fuck. Are they animals? Alpha, Beta, Omega like yeah they could be part wolf or whatever like in Teen Wolf, but like going into Rut and in Heat???? Another read I shouldn't have let Tiktok influence me to read tbh. I hate it here!!! I only read for one cute scene which did happen, but it wasn't even cute. He didn't come to comfort her because of the storm. He came to fuck her as well -cries-. Anyways, this is straight corn on paper.

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h-pelessly · 2 months

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h-pelessly · 2 months

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February Reads

Billionaire Darling by Amelia Lark (7/10) Another ARC read from an indie author. I haven't read a billionaire romance in a while so I was quite excited to get back into it. It was a classic trope of grumpy x sunshine, enemies to lovers. However, I wasn't too fond of the characters being childish. It made sense that the billionaire, Leo, was scared of being used for his money while the sunshine, Aurora, will do anything to restore her father's hotel, but I wasn't a fan of the instalove attraction. And after their night together, one person will always retract and it continues as a circle which is the infamous miscommunication trope being used, but that irritated tf out of me. When they finally get together, the old problem arises and I genuinely did not care if they got together at that point. Starting off, I was so excited since it was a small town backing the FMC up because it reminded me of Final Offer, but the scene and FMC reminded me of The Fine Print, and I wasn't really into it.

Unsteady by Peyton Corinne (7.9/10) I picked up this book not being 100% into it so that would explain the lower rating. But also, this is about a golden retriever hockey captain x black cat figure skater so it makes sense as that is not directly up my alley. However, in comparison to Icebreaker, I understood the FMC, Sadie's problem. Also, the golden retriever boyfriend was so precious that I just wanted to love and hug him. He, Rhys, went through a devestating injury on the ice that makes him struggle mentally, and she's his clutch. However, she's dealing with so much more than just on the ice. She is unlikable at times because she's honestly so rude to others for no reason, but then I remember what she's going through, and I'm like ehhhh, okay, I guess. Overall, I loved the MMC, but the FMC was eh. Solid story though, esp. since it's Corinne's debut.

The Ex Talk by Rachel Lynn Salomon (9/10) I truly liked this one. I might be late for the trend, but this one had me so invested. This book follows Shay, a millennial, and Dominic, a fresh out of grad school Gen-Z'er. They are enemies at the radio station they work at and get casted to host a show where they are exes. Oh, my god, not only is Dominic Asian, but the man can literally exist, not say a single thing, and he will have my complete heart. And there's also a slight grumpy/sunshine trope which really isn't because Dominic isn't grumpy-- he's just shy, and Shay is nice, but she's not that annoying to the point where she acts like a child. Another thought about it is Shay's friend, Ameena, was fucking annoying for what she did to Shay. Like she didn't do anything per se, but she made Shay feel so shitty about living her life the way she wants to, comfortable.

Devious by Jess Savage (7.8/10) This was a let down from how excited I was. I feel like I should've left it where the last book stopped with a belief of happy ever after, because it ended with another cliffhanger. In this book, we got to know Ella more, which is what I hoped for in the first book, but Ella was such an unlikable character. Like it was clear she had some issues that needed to be resolved on her end. The book was just Ella being a brat and being vague about her not wanting Hailey to fuck Jack, while Jack was being adorable. I had to remind myself multiple times that these are 18 year olds.

First Down by Grace Reilly (6/10) Not really for me. Yeah, it's a sports romance, and it's a college romance, but the insta-attraction threw me the fuck off. The characters James and Bex (stupid name tbfh) got together by like 40% even though they're fake dating like.... now what... Maybe I'm just a trend girlie because I was into the football scene in college, but I am now in my hockey era and don't think football's all that. BUT something didn't sit right with me regarding James, the MMC. First off, he transferred from another school and stayed QB, which I don't know much about but that seemed odd as fuck. Then he goes and calls it HIS TEAM to his teammates as if most of them haven't made their home at the team and school 3 years before he even stepped foot over. Also, his appearance wasn't really described other than he has dark hair and is tall (also implied that he is clean shaven and is skinny) but that's all. How is that attractive tbh, and the ego on the man is insane. Though rightfully bc of his status, but his looks??? Idk man, and bro hasn't gotten pussy in a while. Another case of poor girl meets rich boy. Boo fucking hoo.

Daddies’ Girl by Calista Jane (6/10) The spice was there, and it was a good filler chapter to the BDSM, but other than that, nothing really happened. Beside that, it's like a "what if I". It does leave your mind wondering what else is to happen, but I was bored reading it. Another case of damsel in distress.

A Healing Touch by Melissa A. Hanson (7/10) This is another ARC read. I want to dock points because I was led to believe this was a romance when it is more of a mystery/thriller, but that isn't really fair. The story is really emotional because Natasha is dr*gged and r*ped. She doesn't know who it is, and the book is a journey of her finding herself again, finding love in the cold world, and finding out who did it. Troy, the MMC's story is kind of weird, but he's her person because he, or his sister, has gone through the same thing. The grammar was an issue that I caught in the book and was mildly annoying, but it didn't take away my understanding of the book. The long chapters was also very unlikable, but overall, it was a good read.

Unravel Me by Becka Mack (8/10) I had so much fun with this book. I usually hate the instalove/attraction trope, but this one was acceptable. Adam is such a lovable and acceptable MC. Rosie, our FMC, just wanted to fully be loved, and they found each other at the perfect time. They are made for each other. The thing that pissed me off honestly was the "hidden identity" aspect because Adam was lying when he said he worked with athletes but he did let it go too long. Rosie was mad which made me mad, but also, I get that she gets the feeling she's being cheated on so like I can't really be mad. This book wasn't perfect, but it's not far from it. Somehow, Adam went from being lonely to being in a family of 5 within a year. Love that for them.

Bleeding Hearts by Jess Taylor (6.8/10) Like it wasn't horrible nor did I HATE it, but also, I was so freaking bored. This was another book I picked up blindly from Tiktok because I am so down bad with the brother's best friend trope. Not only was Demi a freaking child whose story was basically just her going through emotional trauma at home and acts out, going to live on her own. Like all of this, I'm like you go girl, but on the other side, what she does/how she lives makes no sense. It's like a child wrote this as everything I want. The MMC, Asher, is a fuckboy so Demi befriends him knowing nothing can come of it. There was nothing wrong with Asher, but it was just Demi that bothered me sm. Anyway, the whole book and everything is aesthetic looking, but sadly, the content is not up to par.

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h-pelessly · 2 months

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January Reads

The Goal by Elle Kennedy (6.9/10) I was excited to dive into the pregnancy trope and see why everyone hates it sm. I started at the end of December and was kicking my feet at the way Tucker and Sabrina both were obsessed with each other. However, the pregnancy trope came and I was like... um... that's it? Super anticlimatic in my personal opinion, but there was like half the book left. Sabrina pissed me tf off when she didn't speak to Tucker or include him when she was deciding whether to keep the baby or not. Like she was obviously freaking out and super busy, but it annoyed me sm how the father wanted to be apart of this and Sabrina was just like freaking out alone, leaving Tucker to wonder if she already made the decision without him. But the story had a HEA so that was cool.

Knives, Seasoning, and a Dash of Love by Katrina Kwan (8/10) This would've had such a higher rating, but I can't get over how childish and annoying the FMC, Eden, was. Granted, she had a rough childhood, but the way she was irritated me. She faked her way to become a sous-chef to find out about her missing parents so she's saving up and living poorly. The head chef, Alexander Chen, falls for her so it's a case of grumpy x sunshine. Alexander (Shang)'s struggles made me cry maybe because it hit so much closer to home, but I hated how Eden was like stuck in her childish ways like she never grew at all since she was abandoned as a child. Overall, I think this was a solid read.

The Deal by Elle Kennedy (8/10) This was a reread, and it did not disappoint. I just want to say it was a bit underwhelming at some points, and I could see why some people don't like it, but I am so in love with Garrett Graham. Like he is so funny and had me giggling and kicking my feet. There were some parts I reread which made me fall in love with the characters again like Hannah and/or Allie. Or parts that I completely forgot or didn't catch the first time. I do see how this could be a fan fiction, but i don't care because I am absolutely in love with the ego on Mr. Garrett Graham.

Some Things Never Change by Cee Yang (7.3/10) I’m so thankful to be supporting an indie author. I submitted an ARC application last month because I saw it on Instagram, and didn’t know that I’ll be chosen. This book is about a friends to lovers BIPOC couple, and I was absolutely looking forward to this one. However, when getting into it, I wasn’t the biggest fan of Andy, the MMC, at first because he kept referring to things happening in the past. So I thought it was about Anthony, Andy’s twin. However, meeting Anthony, I was like yeah, this is not the guy so Andy it is. Not going to completely lie, this was more of young adult than a romance novel in the beginning. I learned a lot about the Hmong culture more than the characters interacting which was kind of cool, but I was reading for the romance so I was a bit disappointed. But at the end, JESUS. Andy’s a FREAK (respectfully.) I would also like to thank Cindy for sharing her secret of the ninth floor private bathroom because SPICY. I’m so proud of Cee Yang for this amazing debut novel.

Wildfire by Hannah Grace (7.3/10) I liked this book substantially more than the first book. Although I don't think it was as loved as Icebreaker for most people, I thought it was cute. I loved the MMC, Russ, because he's so broken yet sweet. I liked the FMC, Aurora, but she is kind of a pick me. I know she has daddy issues and stuff, but her pick me energy is insane. Her energy wavers from confident to insecure which is realistic, but reading about it annoyed me. Like why are you acting like this rn but a second ago you were crazy? I thought the story of being camp counselors and fraternization being prohibited was a cute idea, but it was also frustrating. How shy Russ was made me want to hug him. But the ending was kind of rushed and boring not going to lie. I don't think the MCs would last together in the real world tbh.

Curious by Jess Savage (7/10) I literally picked this book up by random on a romance stuff your kindle day, and I finished it within a day I would say. This book is a coming-of-age book about discovering one's sexuality (bisexuality.) People say the main character, Hailey, is annoying, but I think her being immature and freaking out makes perfect sense as she is fresh out of high school and is just discovering her sexuality. She is in love with her friend who is dating a girl older than them. Fast forward to summer, she had to watch the bestie and his gf because the gf's parents own where Hailey works. She then falls for the girl as well. I don't know, there wasn't a lot of smut and there was more content which I appreciated. There was steam, but most of it save the end was about Hailey's one person show which I honestly can't blame. She is 18 after all. Anyways, I would love to read about their future together.

So That Happened by Katie Bailey (6.5/10) If I read this book sooner, I would ate it right up. It's a closed door rom-com. In the beginning, I was intrigued. It was funny and the characters, mainly Annie, the FMC, does very hilarious things. But as the story went on, that's exactly who Annie is, a giant toddler. Who in their right mindset blurts out that she slept with her boss on the first day of work? And it wasn't even sexual like I don't know, but if I wanted to keep the job, I would pretend all is fine and dandy, plus, it doesn't mean HE remembers. Liam, the MMC, was okay. He was a good uncle, but the story treated his niece, Legs, like a toddler, which was so annoying. She's 8 and she still has a car seat? I don't know kids that well, but I'm pretty sure second graders do not have to have car seats to ride in vehicles. So I guess it was like the Hating Game with it being a workplace romance, but the FMC was so unlikable. She's like New Girl's Jess in the first episode without being a kindergarten teacher.

Totally Pucked by Lauren Blakely (6.6/10) This was a short novella that I claimed during one of the stuff your kindle days, and I decided to pick it up because I might have thought it was another book that I recently saw on booktok. I thought it was a menage trois, and that is a book of the series, but this one was a novella so I was like FUCK IT. I mean, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good nor memorable either. It's a friends to lovers trope, which I'm honestly not the biggest fan of from the jump start, but also, since it's a novella, all the major details are skipped so I just knew Fisher (dumb name tbh) was a horny ass hockey player for his best friend. They are always taken/single at different times, but this time, Katie was single and needed bedroom lessons bc her ex said she was weird in bed. Her weirdness? She liked dirty talk and being loud-- jesus. And the spice was eh.

The Beginning of Our Ending (6/10) I got this as an eARC, and I thought it'd be a love triangle, but it really wasn't. I wanted to be supportive of this indie author and her BIPOC representation, but it wasn't really my cup of tea. This is the only book that I feel should've had only one point-of-view because yes, it's true that both men loved Skye, FMC, but they were aggressive as hell and domineering which was unattractive as hell. There were a lot of pregnancies that bothered me since the trope really isn't my favorite, and the reasoning behind it was superficial as fuck like because it ruins the mood??? YEAH, but also safety? But also miss ma'am never liked Lance, and she just let him tie her down. From the beginning, I felt like Skye and Desmond were meant to be, but they broke up for a stupid reason, but it's kind of like meant to be, so when they forced their way back to one another, I was like no effing way.

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h-pelessly · 4 months

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December 30, 2023.

So we made it-- barely. I know I have to find a job for the new year, and I've been stressing over that to be honest. I keep thinking back to my time at CPF and get major anxiety over that, but I have to remind myself that it happened and we have moved on from that. What's done is done. But also, it doesn't mean that something like that won't happen again. Honestly, maybe I'm just not used to people not liking me because IM A GODDAMN DELIGHT. But another dreaded topic for when I apply for jobs will be the fact that I have major gaps in my resume. Tim did calm me down telling me to lie about a sick relative or someone that I had to spend my time to take care of, and when I thought they were getting better, I got a job, but then they got sick again so I had to take care of them again, which will make me look good. Something that might fall through is when they ask me how I won't know that will happen again (and I will have to leave the current job) which I can just say that I no longer have to take care of them anymore. It's a solid lie, but it fills me with anxiety. Also, I think having a job with responsibilities again is filling me with anxiety.

Anyways, yesterday, Tim and I went to Universal Studios. It isn't such a biggie for a journal entry, but we did something new. We met the Grinch! I've always seen him around the holidays and videos online, but I was honestly kind of scared and the lines are ridiculous.

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h-pelessly · 5 months

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December 2, 2023.

Today was Nectar's M&G and party. The M&G was at Ralph's for a release of a new Nectar pack, and we arrived at around 1:20 ish. The cast of Under the Influence podcast were going to show up at 1:30, and the first 100 people would get something. I didn't have high hopes, honestly, but then again, I'm like how big is the podcast, honestly. And people over 21 are chill. Anyway, we got there and were chilling in line. We talked to some Nectar crew because they were forced to talk to us and keep us in shape, but one of the Nectar guys said that he really likes Nectar (like duh but ok) and he recommended us the new flavor that he really likes. I don't know why he singled us out but it is what it is. I was like HEHHEOHOH. But anyways, waiting in line made me nervi tbh. The cast came out and they kept making videos and I'm like I feel DEAD. Can we also talk about Viet being fake as fuck when meeting us outside? Mans was DEAD when he first ran past us. Then, the cast came out to high five us, and Wootak missed my hand completely, and Viet stopped like 2 people before us. Whatever, at least I shook Mr. Jeremy and babygirl Esther's. So the meetup was actually super chill like the cast came out and talked to people and so did the workers. We got stickers, which these guys came out and stared hard at. I was like wtf like mind yo business???? I thot they went to UCLA and I was like no this ain't it, chief. Turns out they were friends with the cast LMAO makes sense. Also, we got gifts. They had cups or banners, but they literally ran out of cups like 2 people in front of us so we had to get banners. And we were like one of the last ones. One girl behind us got the last one. I really had to pee, but I had the worst anxiety so I couldn't go alone. Then, I asked the girl in front of me. SUPER weird I know, but she agreed and we became friends. She came alone so it made it all better :)

Books I read this month;

Offside Hearts by Nikki Lawson (4/10) This honestly has to be one of my least rated books that I've read so far. I started this book out in May, and had to stop because of an unrealistic, weird ass situation that happened between two strangers in the very beginning. Well, I somehow got to around 75% before putting it away for good. I only picked this book up so I can finally mark it as finished for the year. I feel so bad for being such a hater for this sports romance, but both the characters were so unlikable it was insane. Noah's, the MMC, only personality traits are having money and being obsessed with his girl. He had no depth to him. And Margo, the FMC, was scared of Noah's playboy antics, but still let him hit like she also became obsessed with him quickly with no regards to her heart. This was written like a fanfic and I absolutely hated it-- it wasn't realistic at all.

The Fake Out by Stephanie Archer (100/10) I was lucky enough to receive an ARC copy. I expected it to be a physical copy, but I'm just glad I got to read it at all. I absolutely fell in love with both characters. Hazel was such a sassy yet fun character. She was actually the one who initiated it which I thought was shocking yet I loved it. We love bold, powerful women. And Rory? Do not get me STARTED on Rory, my new hockey bf. Blonde guys aren't usually my go-tos like Garrett Anderson from Play with Me, but oh my god, this man had me on an absolute chokehold. He's so flirty with only HER and he has eyes (literal heart eyes) only for her. She thinks it's fake bc of the fake dating trope, but it's so real for him. The nickname he has for her had me giggling and kicking my feet. Who am I kidding? This whole book, their interaction had me giggling and kicking my feet. Crying at some parts, but that's what good books do. Chef's kiss.

Love Redesigned by Lauren Asher (7.5/10) I feel like a 7.5 is actually very kind. I started this book in November and forgot about it because I didn't have time to read the physical copy, but I picked it up in December because I wanted to read all the books in my reading pile. I read it on Apple books bc it was that much easier to read and bring everywhere and honestly bc I am fucking blind. I was kind of disappointed ngl like it took place in Lake Wisteria, which is Cal and Lana's place so maybe I had very high expectations going in. Maybe it had the billionaire trope or it's written by THE Lauren Asher so I was like it can't miss. Sadly it did. The characters were childish, the problems were rushed, and I had no connection to the characters. The MMC, Julian, most of all, missed the mark. He's grumpy and rich, which is up my aisle, but the way he interacted with Dahlia (pre-hookup) gave me the annoying boy next door. Also, Julian was fucking MEAN to cal like cal's a baby-- my baby. Back the fuck AWF. I literally had to return my physical copy bc I wasn't in love with it.

That Summer by Jillian Dodd (6.5/10) It wasn't terrible compared to other audiobooks, but I put this off for so long. See all of the books I've been putting off and finishing for the year lol. But I get that Dani (Davaney) the FMC was a high-schooler, but miss maam couldn't make up her damn mind, leaving poor Chase, the MMC, wounded. Like she likes him enough when they're forced together for the summer, but not proud enough when back to reality? And there were SO many characters. I get it's a family trip and all, but I was like why are these names relevant. And not only were they mentioned at the beginning, they had a bigger part at the end. I'm like WHO TF IS THIS AGAIN. So yeah, maybe reading it would've been better. But also, where was Chase's POV??????

Reconsidering the Facts by Emily Tudor (7.6/10) I was so excited for Oliver and Paige's story. Oliver had me from the very beginning because he was such a complicated character, and no one really saw him for him. I loved Paige as we got to know her, and the only thing that set me off was the friend group. They seem very well behaved like they all go to therapy, but they don't give each other room, and the author KEEPS talking about them like honestly, I don't really care about their stories at all can we focus back on Ollie and Paige?! But there was a murder mystery tied into it which was very unexpected yet fun, and I liked it. Maybe I need to go to therapy because I absolutely DESPISED the friend group, but they make a lot more sense in this book than in the first one.

Better than the Movies by Lynn Painter (8/10) Lynn Painter doesn't miss. Tara recommended me this book and I saw that it was short so I was like why the f not. The beginning was like a movie, and I was like ehhhh, but then, when Liz started recognizing her feelings for Wes, I was screaming and pumping my fist in the air. Like I get that Liz is a rom-com fanatic so like she daydreams about the perfect everything, but like she tries planning out everything, and it was so cute when she came to the realization that she LIKES wes. I was sobbing and crying ugly the whole time. What threw me off was the end like what the actual fuck and the miscommunication trope like COME THE FUCK ONNNNNN. Anyways, it wasn't spicy at all. So I know if a story is good, spice is not needed.

Better than the Prom by Lynn Painter (9/10) This is a continuation or extra from Better than the Movies in Wes's POV, and I've been needing that shit from the very beginning. Too fucking bad we only get one little part, but it was ahmazing and much needed. Wes is such a sweetheart and like ugh, chef's kiss.

Personal Foul by Maggie Rawdon (7.95/10) I was looking to Wren and Easton's story since the very beginning, but the book was honestly not up to my expectations. I expected more banter between the two and the hate. However, Easton definitely topped my expectations-- how would anyone guess that this guy is an absolute marshmallow? Wren's worries about the friend group not accepting is valid, but also, I was like as a friend, they SHOULD be supportive and if it doesn't work, all they can do is help out. So I'm glad they do end up supporting the two. I want to give the author a standing ovation for the proposal at the end-- that made me tear up and I just want the best for these two.

The Mistake by Elle Kennedy (7/10) I mean it was a solid story, but it was so basic and simple. I probably should have binged the whole Off Campus series in the beginning, but I didn't and I put myself in a weird position. Because I bought the blue sprayed edges, I'm going to read all of them now. Honestly, the way (John) Logan looked at Hannah in The Deal was kind of giving me the ick. And that's exactly how the book starts out. It gives me Twisted Hate vibes because I liked the FMC, Grace, sm more than the MMC. Grace was so innocently charming and then became baddass when she realized her worth. I absolutely loved that for her, but I did like them together. I just think them coming together was rushed and random. Like their meet cute was super random and forced-- it wasn't even cute. But they are cute, I will say that.

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h-pelessly · 5 months

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November 30, 2023.

David and Hunter's second Crowd Pleasers show happened today. We weren't actually planning on going because for one, I started a new job and thought taking this day off wouldn't work, and so Tim didn't request it off. But it turns out my assignment ended early and we were able to go. The only thing that sucked was that Tim wasn't able to request it off bc we decided to go late (past 2 week request) and bc another one of his co-workers already requested that day off. So we went right after Tim got out. He got out early for once and he was able to go home, eat, shower, and walk Luna. And then we were off. We arrived like an hour before the show started and I was like oh, it'll probably get filled bc it was last time, but it wasn't. We were able to snag seats in the aisle. However, this time around, David brought many friends which took like half the arena so was it really sold out? Anyways, to the show. The musician started off the show and as much as I like Alex Aiono, this guy was so much more interactive and funny. He stopped by the couple in front of us and my heart fucking stopped tbh because I was like PLS I WILL CRY IF U LOOK AT ME. And then to the dating portion of the show. I didn't know the girl dater, but we knew most of the contestants. The girl in front of me, who came with her boyfriend, who apparently, is in a it's complicated situation, was so fucking annoying and down bad for Zach Justice. Like I get mans is funny. I didn't get the appeal until like 5 dating shows in, but like she would film every time he spoke, and only him. She blocked my whole view because she kept moving her damn head and I'm like????? The other people are also hilarious!! Trevor Wallace was one of the other contestants and people did not like him. I was like WHAT IN TARNATION like that man is hilariously dickish. He even looks like a Chad/Brad like come the fuck on. Moving onto the male dater, I didn't know who he was at first, but then he started speaking and I'm like I swear I know him from somewhere. Then he mentioned his roommate is Fabio and I'm like OH YEAH HE WAS THE WINGMAN IN FABIO'S VIDEO. He's funny tbh. I felt like I didn't know any of the contestants, but they were rizz masters. Oh, and an Asian girl was on there and she almost won. She turned out to be famous. OH, also, she said she was Filipina, and the WHITE girl in front of me was like cheering. I was like ???????/ what the fuck is happening. Anyways, I have mixed reviews for the night like they def made some improvements, but was I just tired/dead? Or was the couple in front of me just assholes?

Also, I wanted to say that I had an assignment for a staffing agency starting on November 13, and they were honestly so fucking strict and weird. I met people, and that was cool, but my manager was super cliquey and weird. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have worn a crop top, but it would've probably been fine if I wasn't reaching for something. But she, my manager, was Asian, and I don't know, I got super weird vibes from her. She's like fake happy, which I get is the role of receptionist/office management, but I'm like????? what the fuck please.... Also, I was mid-talking one time, and she didn't let me finish before snatching my notes away and reading my question. Like she was too impatient to wait. Like SUPER red flag. But also, they said they didn't want me after a week lol like what did u test me on. Like u didn't give me a chance, but that's okay. That shit was far and driving home with astigmatism was so bad.

Books I read this month;

Behind the Net by Stephanie Archer (100/10) I loved this book sm. Jamie was the perfect book boyfriend, and if Pippa and Jamie were not soulmates, I would be FERAL for this man. He's such a sweet person whose main focus in life is his mom and his career. He has so much self control, but it turns out his weakness is this girl. This girl who needs him. Who he betters by being her #1 supporter. Pippa's story is so relatable it hurts, and she's being pushed for a safe career. I connected with the characters, and Stephanie Archer can have my soul honestly. This story took my absolute breath away. And the side characters? I'm so excited for the next story.

Play with Me by Becka Mack (100/10) Bro, I'm in love with this book because Jennie is like me which begs the question of do I have daddy issues???? I was not gonna pick this one up because I wasn't the biggest fan of the first book of the series, but omg the tension and the characters are chef's kiss. Okay, but anyways, Jennie has major trust issues and knows how to take care of herself, but in walks a nervous wreck of a hot guy (who also happens to be a hot hockey player and her brother's bff). Garrett (which I might be biased by his name) could have any girl he wants but he wants to stick by Jennie. He agrees to the FWB pact with Jennie even though he could have anyone else including penetration sex (because Jennie is only agreeing to oral.) Garrett is such a cinnamon roll simp for Jennie and she walks him like a dog, but also breaks down her walls for him and I am absolutely here for them. Do I want her more????? I think so because Garrett is blonde and idk. The book was long and there were some repetitive parts, but I enjoyed every last minute of this book.

Delay of Game by Maggie Rawdon (7/10) Only bumping it up from 6.9 to 7 because of the quote "You're the love of my life Liv. I thought I could have that in half measures with us just being friends. I thought it would be enough, but it's not. I want all of you." HE WAS WRITTEN BY A WOMAN. Anyways, not my fave in the series, but I did want to know the tension between Olivia and Liam from the beginning. This was a friends to lovers trope/miscommunication trope with a bit of survivor's guilt/emotional cheating in a way. I have come to the realization that most friends to lovers trope is super cheesy and needs to be crafted to perfection in order for me to read and love it. Regardless, the story was short, but it skipped out/skimmed over major issues that needed more explaination, but the author def. found her voice in this one vs. the first book.

Enemies with Benefits by Roxie Noir (5.8/10) This book had me kicking my feet and giggling in the first part, not going to completely lie, but then it got real. Their hatred for each other was really childish and doesn't really stem from anything-- just that they want to always one up another which is also Devi and Ben from Never Have I Ever. Also, it's a forbidden romance in a workplace setting which I don't mind, given that The Hating Game was amazing, but this one was so realistic. Like they are ALWAYS working and barely have time for anything else, interacting mainly because of work. I like realistic stories, but not THAT realistic. This book was pretty southern and boring, not going to completely lie. But I finished it so I'm proud of that!

The Love Wager by Lynn Painter (10/10) Honestly got me out of my tiny reading slump from the last book I read. Jack, the male main character, was honestly the love of my life for the beginning, then he started being Hallie's love and I was okay with it. I love Hallie, she's honestly such a lovable and strong character. This is a friends to lovers trope, and as much as it's such a hard topic to tackle, Miss Lynn Painter killed it! I was sobbing, hoping they will be together at the end. It was a cheesy rom-com read and I fuck with that.

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h-pelessly · 6 months

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October 27th, 2023.

Yesterday, I went to Universal HHN. We were supposed to go with friends and other people, but Jay and Kevin already went, Ann was busy/not in the best financial situation, and James couldn't make it. I was absolutely fine with going alone because planning with friends is kind of annoying and we have to consider what everyone wants to do, which is tough in this situation because I'm the scared one. Anyways, Tim and I got into a fight the day before this so I was already kind of mad and didn't want to be with him and go. He woke up with the "excited" mindset and pestered me to get up and get ready. I told him that I didn't want to though I lowkey wanted to. After being told no multiple times, he got depressed and napped like????? he cannot make a damn decision by himself. Anyways, I was already ready and chilling when he told me he would eat at home. I was like whatever because mf was being stingy about eating out. So I let him do whatever the fuck he wanted and gave him time bc I was like there's no way he will take until 3 PM, which is the time we aim to arrive by. 3 creeps up, and MF has not updated me. I was so pissed, but I was like he's probably like cleaning up or forgot time. I decide to call him at 3 because I was like IK you're asleep. And guess what? MF was!! He was like "yeah i got sad bc I was all ready to go and you kept saying no" I'm like are u deadass like if you really want something, you'll let someone tell you no? Like I don't get his mindset at all. He's so baby, which is what I CANNOT date. What the fuck???? So anyways, after our conversation, he said he'll pick me up. He picks me up and obviously there's traffic so our ETA was almost 6 PM. Lolz. I had to pee so fucking bad that I peed in a cup, which is honestly one of the lowest points of my life.

We were thankfully able to go in with minutes to spare so we could get a wristband. We got the lowest tiered wristband which absolutely sucked, but it is what it is. We went to one maze, which was the Holiday themed one, which we ran to. Turns out, we had to wait in line until 6:30 until we could even go down to the line. I genuinely thought we couldn't get into the maze until that time, but that's not even the case. Honestly, compared to last year, this was a lot more chaotic. We went down when the "gates opened" and ran into line, which was crazy because this girl literally cut in front of me and went in the maze line in front of us. Crazy. Anyway, the wait was lower so I was able to wait. It wasn't crazy or anything. Honestly, it was kind of low tiered, but I'm glad we went onto a maze. The people in front of us stopped at the most inconvenient places, and the guy kept hitting me with the door divider. After that, we were about to get onto the Stranger Things Maze, but the line for that grew exponentially so it wasn't worth it. So we went to the upper lot for the monsters reveal. So it turns out that they have a lot of scaremonies now, so it was not worth it. We were fat chilling there and saw every monster that walked past us so we weren't scared. Multiple scare monsters approached us, and I was like damn, am I obsessed? Yes. Anyway, a bear came up to me when I was clutching my phone and he mocked me. I freaked out and did something else which he also mocked me. I'm like bruh, why are u highkey flirting with me next to my man. But I should've blown him a kiss tbfh. After the scaremony that I couldn't SEE, we ran to the Purge showing in WaterWorld. We were able to secure pretty cool seats because Tim saw them, and I was able to ask if anyone's sitting there. The guys in front of us were recording themselves singing and I'm PRETTY sure Tim and I showed up in the back. Lowkey trying to see me pop up in the back of the video on social media. Hehehehe jk. But the show was wild. People were cheering for the Purgers and I was lowk like these are our people cheering for the bad guys. But also, fuck the rich people. Highk, it was a remake of WaterWorld, which sucks, but it is what it is.

After that, we went to the Harry Potter world for our normal rides. I also wanted to see the Dementors. WHICH SUCKED because usually, the world is crawling with them, but in order to see them, you have to go through the alley. So we went on the two rides, which Tim told me that a guy tried cutting only in front of him. Like???? He was with a whole ass group. But anyways, I'm like who cares he's ugly anyway. After the rides, we went through the alleyway. The dementors did not get me because I was aware and scanning the area. Also, we were walking very close to the group in front of us because IM JUST A BABY. But am I dark romance girly??? Bro. We saw the Chucky maze, which we did want to go on, but we were like eh, the wait times are too long so we went back outside bc I told him I was a M3GAN showing at the Kung Fu Panda ride. He told me to circle the lot towards Minions and I'm glad we did because we ran into another scare zone which all the actors tried getting me like BRO NOT MEEEEE!! I thought it was funny bc I wasn't expecting the first guy and he stuck his hand out at me so I stuck it back at him and he dipped. AS YOU SHOULD!!

So after that, we went to M3gan. The Ethan Hawke man was busy and I told Tim how people tried taking the balloons he holds and Tim was like wtf???? Anyway, the line was long. The fast pass line was too like damn people really line up for this although the wait time is super low. I didn't know what it was gonna be like, but we were like fuck it. We went inside, and there were a bunch of displays out so I studied that. There was a photo op with a man in a mask, which he stared at me like he wanted to scare me but I'm like SIR U R BUSY fuck OFF. Anyway, the showing was kinda stupid. M3gan just danced and I was like wtf is happening fr. And that was it. We went outside towards the scare actors again and three of them ganged up on me. I was like WHAT IS HAPPENING!!! Also, a doll came up to me and genuinely scared me bc I was like someone just threw trash next to me right. A doll stuck it's tongue out at me so I did as well. Like she was happy, she left. Which made me laugh. I asked Tim where he wanted to go next and he was so uncertain. He sounded like he wanted to go home, but I'm like you lit said you want to stay late, and deadass after all the shit we've been through??? So I convinced him to go to Chucky, which was a 100 min wait. After going all the way down, we realized we wanted to leave. Well I did because I didn't want to leave. I was so mad when we started up because he just left me and I was like where tf are you going and he didn't respond like???? Bro ur gonna get lost. And he went to look at the menu and I was like what the actual fuck is wrong with u. We went back up the lot, and these guys stared at me. I knew bc I was like ain't no way you walk like that and turn your head 90 degrees. We walked back up and I wanted to go through all the scare zones again so we did that. I ran into a Dementor's chest bc he stepped out right in front of me and I thought he would step away but man just stood there like excuse me Hi?? When walking through the front, I don't think the scare actors tried scaring me bc I was pissed and I was STRUTTING.

Anyway, we ended the night with me and Tim fighting again because I was irritated how he flip flops his mood 0 and 100 and I let him affect my mood. Anyway, we're taking a break away from hanging out with each other so hopefully I don't break. We do have Kevipoo's house-warming party so idk if I want to go to that or even dress up as a couple costume. He also tried gaslighting me like didn't u want to be a therapist and be trauma dumped on? I cannot stand him.

Flirting with the Playboy by Gia Stevens (7/10) This was a book that I got through Prime Day for free. It looked like a cute, fun read so I gave it a go. The cover was a cute cartoon cover and I think there was like 200/300 pages so I was like fuck it, dawg. I knew I would be busy so I was like let's do this, and I won't even be engulfed in it because there isn't much to be attached about. WRONG. I thought this story was cute at first, but it got boring when it got to the part after they got together. I realize that I like the romance aspect of stories and not the good part/breakup parts. But while reading it, I was kind of jealous. I was out here doing the absolute most while the FMC had a cute receptionist job at a real estate company, and she had a hot business man picking on her because he liked her. That part absolutely had me kicking in my feet and giggling. The rest was kind of silly in my opinion. REALITY is boring.

It Happened One Summer by Tessa Bailey (8/10) This was a hard book to pick up and start because I genuinely wasn't interested in the fisherman love interest. Also, the beginning was the FMC being a brat in the social media world which is too realistic to me. But omg the rest of the book had me on the edge of my seat. Brendan and Piper are so cute oh my god. Brendan is literally a dream with how much he loves his girl and how he's like "I'll give this girl anything if she says please." I fucking love it. This book is honestly such a good read. I went from 20% to 60% in a day because that's how much I loved it. Chef's kiss. I would def recommend to someone, but I wouldn't personally pick up a physical copy.

Collide by Bal Khabra (7.4/10) The beginning of the book where the chasing was had me giggling and kicking my feet to be honest. People compare it to Icebreaker which I get, but this was such an easier read in my opinion. Is it bc the FMC was likable and relatable? Her interest was in sports psychology and she had to do a research paper and all of that. After the FMC and MMC got together, it became cheesy, and we found out how much of a golden retriever he and most hockey players are so I guess that was kind of a bummer to me. But I liked how the FMC's problem or trauma was more relatable than in Icebreaker's. Also, I love how the FMC is Asian. The cover also has a hot couple. There was a playlist for the book which sticks with me and that's how I remember books.

Clutch by S.M. West (5.8/10) This was an audiobook that took way too fucking long to finish. I started it bc I got it for free and it seemed like a cute concept, but how was it so fucking long I have no idea. To add on, their meet cute was so fucking weird. Maybe because I'm not attracted to the MMC at all bec he has long hair (personal preference oops!!) or maybe because the story was so long for no reason. There was no bickering or chase. It just went straight to how the two integrate their lives, and the MMC was so unlikable on how protective he was like sir, at least be attractive or something. Not my favorite.

Puck One Night Stands by Emma Foxx (7/10) This was a reverse harem why-choose story I impulsively picked up because I thought I needed some steamy spice. Well I had to stop multiple times to take a breather because wow, that's a lot of spice to imagine. People are saying it wasn't that spicy????? WHAT THAT MEAN... but anyways, this was a really short, cute story in my opinion. Everything happened really fast and there was no angst to be honest. I thought it was ridiculous how all three of the men fell for the girl that quickly with nothing special, which tbh was kinda weird but I guess it fit the story line so you do you. I was a bit disappointed that we don't get all their backstories like we got the FMC, and one of 3 MMCs. That disappointed me. Another thing that disappointed me was the ending of the book, how everyone found out about their foursome relationship and everyone was cool with it. Like that's absolutely not how the world works but ok you do you. ALSO, i thought reverse harem is everyone loving one another and all of that, but I guess not in this book. All of the men tolerate one another/are friends, but the girl loves all of them. But we're done with this tacky book so yahoooo.

The Devil You Know by Veronica Eden (6/10) How can a book be so short yet so long at the same time? I picked up this book during a stuff your kindle day so I was like let's give a small author a chance. And I was still working when I started it so I was like I can read slowly and it can be a cute, short read. Holy shit, this book was so long for no reason with the repetitive I want her/I want him, but he/she doesn't want me back. It was spicy, I do admit it, but it was like watching two barely turned 18 adults have sex. How bad does it have to be for me to SKIP the steamy scenes? Insane. Anyway, I had to stop multiple times because it's so Gen Z like how much social media played a part in it. The FMC was highly unlikable and the MMC wasn't attractive imo.

Good Girl by Piper Lawson (7.5/10) This was an audiobook I picked up during a stuff your kindle day. I was a little iffy starting it because my last audiobook was something I wished I DNF'ed. But this one was such a fun listen. It was also short, but that wasn't a big reason of why I picked it up. It just happens to be short which is a bonus!! The main characters were both likable. Jax is a broody rockstar which is an immediate yup. Haley has a problem with being touched, which I thought made a lot of sense. I would've finished it earlier if I was still at work because I don't listen to it with my free time tbh. But I just finished it, and I was so pissed at the way it ends. Like it's such a cliffhanger and the main characters didn't even get together. HALEY DOESN'T EVEN ADDRESS HER PROBLEM WITH HER DAD THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL LIKE 95%. And if we want to continue, we have to read the next book. What is this? Episode????? No thank.

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h-pelessly · 8 months

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September 14, 2023.

This month so far was a jam-packed month so let's unpack everything so far. I might have another entry this month because I have more plans heheheh.

September 2nd was the first time I saw Jamie again since my time at ACT. We planned to do something this month because I finally found the gall to ask her to do something, and we planned in this month because I was too burnt out from social outings last month. At first, we planned on going to Anaheim Packing District, but I was scared of parallel parking (a fucking joke tbh) and didn't know what was good there anymore so we decided not to go there. Even though Jamie's the food connoisseur, she wanted me to choose so she didn't come up with another bad idea. A drama queen to be honest. So I went the basic Yard House. And the closest one to me was the one in Irvine. Insane to be honest. I don't know what I was thinking, agreeing to go to that because not only was it a holiday weekend, it was a weekend!! Insanity. I ended up being dropped off by my mom and when I got there, I had MASSIVE anxiety. I hyped myself up, but nothing could've prepared me for the insanity of a holiday weekend. While waiting for Jamie, I went to Barnes and Noble, my safe space, but even that was not a safe space that day. So I went to go sit in the kid area to sit down. After realizing that I could put in a reservation online, I went to meet up with Jamie. She looks the exact same-- I don't know what I was expecting when I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to spot her. We had to wait about half an hour, but honestly, Jamie could talk. I was kinda nervous because we have never hung out outside of work, but I forgot that Jamie loves talking. There's nothing wrong with that, but I was glad that she could. During dinner, it felt like I was with my dad or something like that because she kept making jokes and trying to converse with the waiter and I'm like JAMIEEEE STAWP, YOURE EMBARRASSING ME!!! But our waiter was very nice and attentive. I love that. After that, we went back to Barnes and Noble where I was able to show her my books and she showed me what she read. She was about to buy my books to read, but I convinced her to buy them at Target. So we went, and instead of finding Final Offer by Lauren Asher (sad tbh) she bought Book Lovers and The Deal by Elle Kennedy. I hope she likes The Deal tbh because she liked The Summer I Turned Pretty and that was one of my favorite reads this year. Anyway, when we went to go buy the stuff, Jamie started talking to this stranger. She claims that he started talking first, but we DID technically cut in front of him by deciding which line to go into. But he was very opinionated and talkative for a stranger in our opinions. And after that, I waited for Tim to pick me up. Thankfully, Jamie looked out for me and didn't ask me to come back to ACT. Love her for that. We shall hang out with Lorena too next time!!

September 9nd was Trinh day. We were grabbing brunch on a weekend, and I was okay with it, but then it was early AND I had to drive all the way to Orange. Bleh, but I sucked it up and ended up going. It was okay; I just had to wake up early enough to get ready then drive half an hour before our meetup time for parking and stuff. I went and she wanted to meet up later so I ended up going to Target. It was cool, but awkward because I was dressed to go out, but I just listened to music to drown out all the awkwardness. The awkwardness was still there, but it was helped by the music. For some odd fucking reason, it was a restock day so I was walking around trying to just look with workers EVERYWHERE so I tried to go elsewhere until they leave so they don't ask me if I need help. After awhile, Trinh called to ask if I was already out, but I told her it was fine. So I left and made my drive there which wasn't all that bad, but the only shitty thing is that I got lost. Parking WASN'T a bitch as contrary to my beliefs of a weekend. I managed to find comfy parking but then walking out, I got lost bc the place was new. So I walked and SWEATED. It wasn't cool at all, but when I finally found the place, it was literally just across the street. ANNOYING. Anyways, we got seated and catching up with Trinh was really nice and casual. I planned on making her a book bouquet for her late b-day present, but she didn't let me know that she was making it earlier yesterday so I ended up making her blind date books with the description. I thought it was super cute and got her Icebreaker and The Nanny. I don't like those books but she seemed really into Icebreaker when we saw it so I got her that, and the other book by Hannah Grace wasn't out yet so I got her the Nanny, which Tara really likes, but it's a gamble to be honest. Waiting for her review. We ate at Bluestone Cafe, which is supposed to be an Aussie brekkie kind of place, and it was okay, just expensive. The aesthetic is there though. Overall, the experience was pretty good and nice to catch up with Trinh again.

Books I've read this month;

Twisted Hate by Ana Huang (5.9/10) Tara recommended me to read this because she loves the MMC. I strayed away from this book in the beginning because Asian MMCs just aren't it for me (then I realized how embarrassing I was being.) But I did like how much personality the MMC has. I liked his story and how he's not just a broody, mad man. The FMC is so lovable; I think the author made it so that all of the FMCs in the series are. She wasn't a sunshine, but she was bubbly and fiery, and her hopes and dreams is different than what you see in books. I just think the book was poorly written (also because the author wrote it as a fanfiction. I'm not sure if this book was, but the first of the series were so I'll give it to her) and there were many parts where I'm like what the fucking shit? Unnecessary parts as well. Why do so many people like this? But then I guess the main characters are very likable. The enemies to lovers trope in this one was new which I did enjoy. They REALLY hated each other, and one was NOT obsessed with the other in the beginning, which I thought was kind of cool. So it did start with a hate fucking kind of relationship.

Pregame by Maggie Rawdon (7/10) This was a 1,000 word essay/short story type of deal and it was free and not on GoodReads. I picked it up because I know Maggie Rawdon's an indie author and wanted to support her by reading all her stuff (in the series of course.) This started out a little confusing because it really jumps into a story, but then I realized that there can't be any fluff if it wanted to keep the short story narrative. I did not fall in love with the characters, but I wanted them together badly-- I wanted to know what happened next. Although I know they get together because I read the series out of order, I loved their banter and how immediately attracted they are to one another.

Say You Swear by Meagan Brandy (6.5/10) I only picked this up because of booktok and I'm so mad that I had any excitement for it. The FMCs were so annoying because they just turned legal and are taking advantage of their adulthood. I hoped that I wasn't that annoying when I turned legal-- like I know it's completely normal, but it's like why are you being so loud and preppy?? Also, this gave me TSITP vibes with the summer beach house. They did have a found family trope (which I found out was a close knitted group of friends) which I found super odd because the twins were in it together (brother and sister) and the brother was very protective, making his friends protective of them as well. Why would you want to be around that? It's weird as fuck in my opinion, but okay. Also, the MMC was weirdly obsessive??? Like he was saying that he knew she liked her childhood crush, which is also in the friend group, and that they had sex. Like WTF???? But I felt bad for the childhood crush to be completely honest until the very end. The ending tripped the FUCK out of me, honestly.

A Deal with the Devil by Elizabeth O'Roark (7/10) I also picked this one from booktok and thought it was an indie author, but apparently, this book has traction. I was very excited to get into it for some reason, but I didn't click with it. Maybe because I didn't connect with the MMC. The FMC had a very valid and relatable backstory which I liked, but the banter gave me the ick. It is a workplace romance, but the open flirting from the BOSS MMC was weird to me. It gave me Andrew vibes, but he's my friend so knowing your boss, when you are the only worker (exec assistant) flirt with you like that is weird. But I guess it wasn't that bad and I pushed through it. The MMC turned out very sweet, but the work that the MMC had the FMC do made me very angry, work related wise. This was a slow burn so I def kicked my feet and giggled when they finally kissed.

Replaying the Game by Emily Tudor (7.5/10) I knew this book would be like The Deal so I was very excited to pick it up. However, this book was very innocent and cute so it wasn't really like it. The MCs seemed VERY young, which was believable for them to be sophomores in college. I didn't like it at first because I was like this is just the Deal repeated, but then I found the FMC to be half Viet, and that made me kick my feet giggling. There were some confusing parts, but since this is an indie author, I didn't mind it at all. Plus, the author's note at the beginning mentioned that and I liked that it had a warning. The other male that the MMC was trying to compete against really had nothing on her, and their fight seemed to be a high-school type of argument/fight but so be it. Realistic, I guess. I hate the way the FMC talks about her brother like that's your brother and you're acting like you don't know him?? Anyway, I'm excited for HIS book which is the next so I'm excited to get on that. The story is set up for you to like her group of friends, but I didn't like them. I thought they were kind of weird and selfish. There was a moment when all of them just threw out their personal problems to each other, and no one commented on each other's which I thought was fucking weird, but I guess that's how some friendships work? I'm not sure, but I REALLY want more information about the brother.

The Risk by Elle Kennedy (7/10) Tara recommended me this book, and I wasn't against it since it's written by Elle Kennedy, but since it's not apart of the Off-Campus series, I wasn't 100% into it. The FMC was strong and her struggle with sexism in the workplace was very valid and realistic, but I didn't connect with her. I thought her vibe was very pick me and all for herself like she doesn't have much friends. She's into hockey, but the fact that she thinks that her and the MMC are enemies because they're rival teams didn't make much sense to me. Because the FMC's father is the coach for the opposing team made sense, but that's all. The MMC was obsessed and confident which was cute and all, but he wasn't my type and I wasn't falling head over heels for him. It's crazy how these people are in college, but I guess it's realistic since college kids are horny as fuck. Their banter and tension was crazy and very cut, and when they got together, my stomach did knots, but it didn't have me giggling and kicking my feet. The antagonist was a female (which is insane to be honest,) but I kind of got the vibe early on too. The way that the FMC told the MMC early on also gave me the ick like she's really judgmental of females...

Play Fake by Maggie Rawdon (6.8/10) I liked the banter at first and it had me giggling and kicking my feet at first like the last Rawdon book I read. I kind of had high hopes for this book because I like Rawdon as an author and wanted to support a small author. I don't know if it was because I read the books out of order that disinterested me or it was because the book had unnecessary banters. To be completely fair, this is the author's debut and it's a romance book which means that we know the endgame, but the characters were childish. I really liked Pregame, the pre-essay for this book so I thought I would like it, but I didn't get the right impression of the MMC. I thought he was black because of how he was described, but then I found out he's a white country boy and that deterred me. Obviously, he doesn't have to be my type or anything so that wasn't a big part, but the miscommunication in this book irritated the fuck out of me. They are grown ass adults who can't communicate their feelings like it would have the cliche "do you love me" I love you more than anything in the world, but I can't speak "okay, then we shouldn't be together" type of bullshit. This book was not bad per se, but I def. wouldn't recommend my friends to read it.

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h-pelessly · 8 months

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August 22, 2023

I opened my earlier text from this month and I don't feel like it does this month justice so I will run a recap of this whole month in a new post. This month was a busy one for me because I had more social events than not. I've cancelled on plans and scheduled hang outs for next month because I feel like I'm burnt out. Which is kind of funny because I haven't read a lot (I was in a slump) and I still haven't found a new job. Obviously, the month hasn't ended so new stuff might pop up but so far, this is what have happened.

On August 2nd, I had a job interview in person with a place searching for a Receptionist/Admin Assistant in Irvine. The drive there wasn't as bad and I kind of liked the feel of the place. I feel like the interview wasn't bad and I felt like I did kind of well, but they had me role play customer service. I feel as though I choked because I was put on the spot which is the only downside of it, but I think that's what didn't land me the job because I was well dressed and I was early. I even bought a blazer for this occassion. I thought it was annoying that they made me have an in person interview if it wasn't that serious and they ended up ghosting me so that was slightly annoying. I don't regret it tho. I felt like I did decent so it's their loss tbh.

On August 9th, Tim and I attended David Alvareeezy and Hunter March's Crowd Pleasers live show in Los Angeles. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing for us. We did think about going the day before because we realized that Tim was conviently off that day. David promoted the event in previous Youtube videos but we didn't think too much of it because we're like yeah it could be fun, but we weren't going out of our way to plan it into our schedules because we didn't think it'd be too fun. Anyways, it was a spur purchase but we really enjoyed it. We arrived an hour before the event which was pretty weird for us, but there's a parking lot across the venue for $20 all day so that was kind of cool and quick. We got into line and I really had to pee, but we had an hour to waste so we were just fat chilling. I don't remember why I was annoyed at Tim, probably because he kept talking about how funny he is and how the Camboys and the group will notice him and get him on stage whatever the fuck, but I had to pee so I didn't need him to chatter my ear off. After getting our wristband, even though we didn't plan on drinking, we went inside "to the bar" because I had to pee lmao. There was an Asian guy staring at us that I was almost 99% was Vic, Jill's boyfriend, that helped us load the carpet into Tim's car, but apparently it wasn't and he was just weird. We got to our seats early because we were inside (boo yeah) and so we got really good corner seats and were probably in the center of attention. All of David's friends came which I thought was very nice and cute. I waved at Rec, Brian, and we kind of talked to Marcus. Lowkey I think our interaction with Marcus was awkward but I think he was drunk so it be like that. We also saw the SuburbTalks pod people, and VIET, he's so effing small like it was NOT what we were expecting at all. Anyway, the whole show was really fun and cool-- I expected it tbh because I do enjoy David's content. And at the end of the day, Hunter RT'ed my tweet because I was real and tagged him hahhahhahah.

August 12, I attended Christy's wedding. She apparently is related to me but I swear I have never seen her ever. I have a post about this day so I'm not gonna say anything else. Next time, I wish Tim comes with me because it was so fucking awkward. I have another wedding to attend in October so hopefully he comes thru. ALSO, they said the groom tested positive for COVID-19 and will be double masking, but mf was NOT masked at all and was diddly-daddling.

August 16, we went to Wild Rivers, a waterpark, with Fermin, Kevin, and Jaz!! I was kind of iffy about it at first because I was like yeah, going to a waterpark is fun, but like why would we go and be judged. ME ESPECIALLY because of how I get with water. And then we found out it would only be the three and us, I was like, bruh, this is going to be awkward. But I'm glad we went bc it was super fun and a much needed break. The first ride was iffy bc I had to strain my back to hold onto the handles because I was sitting next to fucking Kevipoo. But after that, the rides were fun. A lot of yt ppl were there which made it weird, but we didn't really care after we had our fun. We went onto a ride where this girl was trying to cut us in line because she claims "we were walking slow" like girl I'm sorry are we trying to have fun or are you rushing somewhere HMMM. And her bf or whatever was like "it's ok!!!!" I'm like bitch u can go in front of us fucking rude ass because you are NOT ruining my vibe rn. Anyway, she was a basic ass yt girl and when I looked at the guy, I thought he'd be at least like TALL, but mf was a basic yt nerd as well. I'm like WITH YOUR ATTITUDES AND YOU WANNA BE UGLY TOO LIKE the scale of hotness and craziness is not helping you. I kind of felt bad for judging him because he didn't do anything, but by association, the attitude is yours too and the math isn't mathing. Being in line next to them was freaking annoying as well. Then we went to the wave pool which was a pain in the ass, but I feel like we stayed there the longest. My yitties came out a few times which I knew was gonna happen. Idk why Tim was so shocked like we were HIT. Fermin let Tim and I go, and somehow, we floated all the way to the end of the pool and I, being the small ass, slipped past the rope, and the lifeguard FUCKING blew her whistle at me twice. LIKE IM TRYING TO GET OUT ITS NOT MY FAULT PEOPLE PUSHED ME. anyway, I was fucking mad and freaking out so yuh. But we had our fun at the waterpark.

August 17, Tim and I went to Universal's Studios. We arrived pretty late tbh, and didn't get to go on 2 rides that we usually go on, but it was okay. The park also was closing early.

August 19th, I was supposed to go to McKayla's birthday, but I didn't. McKayla is Julie's niece and she was turning 1. I was in the mindset of going and got up early to go, but after awhile, I'm like yeah I don't wanna drive to Irvine and interact with people. So I bailed out on that hehehhe ooopsies.

So that's my month so far. Until next time.

Books I read this month;

The Nanny by Lana Ferguson (5.5/10) I didn't like this book as much as I thought I would/Tara did. The MMC has heterochromia eyes, which make me think of Luna so it made me feel a bit weird. Also, he was VERY dirty mouthed for a father which there's nothing wrong, but the fact that his little daughter was sleeping next door while he did this gave me the ick. The OF aspect for the FMC made it confusing. Not really, but it forced the book to feel modernized and I didn't especially like that aspect. I didn't connect to the characters as much as I did for the other nanny/single dad book and I was highly disappointed. I was attached with one line to the FMC's best friend.

Disrespectfully Yours by Jennifer Chipman (5.5/10) I thought this would be an interesting read based on the name. However, the book dragged on and I wasn't attached to any of the characters. At first, it gave me the Hating Game vibes and as much as I liked the book, I didn't like how it was kind of a copy and paste situation how they have a retreat and the MMC was attached by hip to the FMC. I don't think I knew the tropes correctly because I was taken for a loop when they started a FWB thing. I didn't like it at all. I did like how the FMC was tall and not the usual damsel in distress vibe, but that's kind of it. Also, the friends of the FMC has a cute group name which I really liked. I MIGHT read one of the earlier books just because of the professor x grad student vibe, but not so sure if it will drag on like this.

Consider Me by Becka Mack (4.5/10) This book was an absolute drag. I only picked it up because people said it was a similar vibe to Garrett Graham from The Deal, which is true, but this girl had absolutely nothing. I went on Goodreads and people were annoyed with the book because the FMC was a pick me girl, which I agreed, knowing how hard it was to read and how I disliked her. I don't know like she had no original personality like the FMC from The Deal. Yeah, the MCC was a golden retriever and all, but like he had no personality rather than make her happy. I mean, good for her and all but that shit's BORING. Give me SOMETHING. Although this book was the absolute drag through the mud, I kind of liked one of the side characters that was in the book. He also has a story, and the FMC of that book has a spicy personality so I might bite.

So Not Meant to Be by Meghan Quinn (8/10) Tara said it was too early for a reread, but it is what it is. I read it while reading Consider Me so it was a nice pallet cleanser. However, reading it a second time, I realized how annoying the FMC is, which is why the rating decreased. I still like certain parts aka JP CANE, but the FMC is so fucking annoying and keeps comparing herself for no reason. Like love yourself a lil.

Reverse Pass by Maggie Rawdon (7.8/10) This was such a cute idea. It was a pallet cleanser from Consider Me. It was short and simple. I enjoyed how much the MMC was considered a player hence why he's a sport player, hehhehe, but he was such a simp for his childhood crush, sister's best friend. He was such an innocent puppy for her that it was cute. The FMC was okay the whole book just towards the climax, she got annoying as she was stringing everyone along by not telling the truth of everything that has happened to people in her life. Other than that, I'm glad I picked up this short read. And the spice was such a fun idea to try hehhehehohoho.

The Score by Elle Kennedy (7.3/10) This took me longer to finish it than The Deal, but it was a cute little rom-com read. I loved the main characters together but didn't have the affection I had towards them like GARRETT GRAHAMS. We loved a reformed playboy book and this was exactly it. It made me cry, but that's pretty much because of the situation I was in when reading it. I did like the MMC's way of life which is a good thing to carry into real life, but also, we can't afford to make mistakes like pretty rich boy from Connecticut. I do not like how standalones connect because the FMC was best friends with the FMC of the Deal, but I guess that is what's supposed to happen. I like how in Breaker Cane's book, the FMC was HIS best friend and slowly comes around to the other FMCs of other books. This one is like stays in the group which was eh, but I liked the vibe of this book. Also, Tim bought me the physical copy so I was reading off that hehhehhohoh. They didn't really have a bad breakup scene or anything and I felt as if it was difficult for the author to end the story if that made any sense. Overall, a cute quick read which I need.

The Sacrifice by Shantel Tessier (4.8/10) I took a chance on dark romance and absolutely hated it. I wanted to give it a 4.5, but I gave Consider Me a 4.5, and this was not on the same level. Granted, I skipped through a lot of the text because I truly didn't enjoy it, but the ending had a twist to it like a thriller/mystery that kept me going. I told Tara about how bad it was because it was too unnecessarily spicy and dark, and she recommended me to DNF, but my go-getter attitude would not let me DNF so I toughed it out. I'm glad I did because I found out the ending and the story kind of made sense at the end. I hated how much the FMC cried-- it was like a wattpad story of damsel in distress with lots of sex. Bruh.

Random Encounter by Allyson Lindt (6.5/10) I took a chance on listening to audiobooks and explored a new trope, reverse harem, which honestly I didn't even know what it meant. But this book is written by an indie author, which I loved. The idea of having multiple partners sounds fun, but also it was too much for me. I'm surprised an indie author wrote this book because it wasn't at all bad, and the idea was new-- maybe it's because it's a new idea to me, but I didn't dislike it. I found myself into it and learning new things along with the FMC. I was a bit confused at parts, and the problem causing the 3 to break up was absolutely the most childish thing to complain about, but I get it. It makes a little bit of sense, but I wish it wasn't the problem that divided the 3 because they're grown ups. Overall, I will do more audiobooks.

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h-pelessly · 9 months

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August 13, 2023

Last night, I attended a wedding, Christy and Vincent's to be more specific. Christy is my cousin, who I was shocked to be honest when I saw her because I haven't seen her. But the wedding last night evinced that I'm not ready for a wedding.

When we first got there, there was people lining up and I was so confused but then we got sat in the freaking back with some randoms and I was like well... this is gr8. But my dad was USELESS-- just going around to talk to people and start his behavior of drunkiness. But it was my mom who got us to the front of the venue to sit with our family members. I do have a bone to pick her because she made me say hi to everyone and that IRRITATED me so freaking much. I was like... pls leave me the FUCK alone. And there was a lady who I think visited me in the hospital so she had some relation to me, but she was holding me there and I really had to pee, and my father did not help me so I just stood there for a solid 5 minutes listening to her talking whilst being held against my will. And I was terrified. Honestly everyone and everything terrified me so idk what I'm even talking about. There was an open bar, but people were lining up and the line was abnormally long so I was f it we shall wait until after. Which I was glad I got what I got bc I would've not liked anything. Irregardless...

From the speeches, I found out they have been dating for 9 years, which everyone said was a long time but like they only have one year on us. No idea how old they are, but they only have one year on us and the people who did speeches said that was a long time so like.... that kind of terrifies me. The side of our family was being loud and obnoxious which was to be honest kind of annoying and disrespectful, but I'm pretty sure they were drunk so there's no use talking some sense into them. Also, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't take any direction from a lil girl with an opinion so it doesn't matter. All the speeches, I'm pretty sure, the speakers were intoxicated which was honestly kind of funny, but I get it. I would too if I was up there. There was the shoe ceremony that I thought of Tim because I was like we would do amazing on this. But the whole idea of marriage scares me. So when I finally got around to the bar, I got myself a White Claw (peach is amazing). I got it after awhile when I should've gotten it at the beginning bc my anxiety did really settle down. So I came to the realization that a whole white claw makes me into a normal human being. I wasn't AS afraid anymore. I wore heels to the event and as annoyed as I was the entire time, they broke on me (thankfully???) but I was forced to walk barefoot, which was kind of gross tbh but I didn't want to wear the heels. And I did bring slides, but they were FUCKING NIKE SLIDES. Anyways, my parents made me get it so I ended up wearing them. Honestly I was kind of embarrassed, but also, I didn't really care. None of those people knew me, though most of them are family, I don't come around a lot so it didn't matter. I saw a bunch of people wearing shoes and I was like imagine if I knew I could wear shoes bro. Like that would've fixed a LOT of my problems.

Well we had to sit around for 4 hours and I didn't read bc I'm pretty sure I couldn't focus anyway, and when it was time to leave, my dad drove. He did drink, which I was kind of scared, but so did me and my mom. I mean my mom didn't as much, but my dad drove anyway. He wasn't like blatantly drunk so he seemed fine. We made it home safely, and idk it was a wild social event. I hate it here. And I have 3 more events lined up for this month and I'm regretting everything. So maybe if it gets super bad, I know I can rely on a peach white claw lmao.

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h-pelessly · 9 months

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July 26, 2023

I don’t have a lot to catch up on. At least not recently, but here goes...

June 16th, I know is a long time coming, but I hung out with Karen from LD, and I found out a lot of stuff. First off, I’m proud of myself for driving to Irvine unbothered. Second off, the amount of problems from not knowing where tf I was going in the neighborhood to my phone overheating to her living in a GATED COMMUNITY where I had no way to go in were big issues. Once I got to Karen’s, we went to Irvine Spectrum with her car because I was scared to drive but irregardless. We went to eat at Yard House, and she wanted something off the Happy Hour menu and split the check in half so I had to pay extra like ?????????? But I was like it’s just a few dollars don’t make it a big deal. It’s just once. We also got ice cream and the workers annoyed me bc I was trying to read the menu, and I can’t see bc not only am I blind, the text was small. Also, there were 2 workers with no customers and was done helping Karen so one of them could’ve helped me, but mf looked back at the menu like we were at the optometrist and seeing if I was seeing correctly????? The audacity, anyways... Karen and I went to go talk to which I found out more things about Alex. Like I didn’t know her as well as I thought I did which makes perfect sense, but it just sucked. How Alex had a toxic ass friend that works at LD and she’s the reason Alex got into her car crash. How close her and Karen were, which I did not know because I thought Alex thought she was annoying. It only adds on when I went to Karen’s house and saw her polaroids with Alex like damn they were close. But it was cool catching up with Karen. Much needed.

July 12th, Trinh and I went to The Summer I Turned Pretty Premiere at Irvine Spectrum. I was going to have my mom drive me since Tim was being a hardass about not knowing when he would get out of work. But he got off work early so he took me to Irvine Spectrum. At first, I thought we could snag quick parking so I asked him to walk me in. Then, we found out parking was ass so I told him to just drop me off, but he was so tied into the idea of him walking me in that he tried to find parking. When he finally found parking, he complained about it being a bitch when I told him multiple times to just drop me off. Annoying. So we go inside and didn’t realize there would be a line so that was that. The line wasn’t long or bad tbh. We went to get complimentary snacks which we then didn’t realize fan girls went into the theater to claim and save seats. Super annoying if you ask me so we sat near the front. It sucked, but it was only one episode. Turns out the show was being released tomorrow so the premiere wasn’t worth it, but I’m glad I went with Trinh and it was free!! After that, Trinh and I went to Barnes and Noble to look at books. I got her into not only TSITP but romance books hehhe. I showed her my top books and she said aloud how much she loves spicy books which a girl responded same. So I was like well damn am I unapproachable? So I asked one of the girls who liked Dreamland Billionaires if she liked the third book to which she said eh. I have a huge bone to pick with her but anyways, that was my social work for the day. So Trinh’s going to get into romance books courtesy of me hehhehe.

July 14th, Tim didn’t take the correct day off so we are celebrating my birthday today. I think it was kind of funny that my dream this year was to go to San Diego to celebrate. I don’t think I told Tim that, but that’s where he took me to celebrate. He took me to San Diego Zoo, which was pretty cool because he planned something decent. The only thing that sucked is that we went later than expected, and since it was a Friday and rush hour, the drive was absolute hell. It took almost 3 hours to get to the zoo, and as it was already late, we only had 3 hours to explore the zoo. Lorena always said the zoo is huge, and I agree. I don’t think we visited all the exhibits, but it was very cool and spacious. We thought there would be a panda exhibit, which made me excited, come to find out China didn’t renew the contract last year or something so we missed it by one year. How tragic. We did get to see elephants and they looked like they were in a big exhibit so that was pretty cool-- I think Jamie’s rubbing off on me because there is no chance I’d be that excited for elephants if not for her. Overall, I don’t think we did a lot and saw a lot, but Tim thought it was worth it. I might want to return someday. Also, they had the wild safari ride next door that we didn’t go to, so one day, I would like to go to that. Then, we went to go for dinner. We didn’t know what to get, but I knew they had the best Poke in SD so we looked for that. Thankfully, not far away, they had a poke bar. Parking was ass because it was a Friday and it was close to UCSD, but the fish was fresh and I loved it. We thankfully found the same bar near Santa Ana so we could try that. Overall, I had a pretty solid birthday.

July 15th, I celebrated my 25th birthday. Quarter life crisis-- woot, woot. The fact that I thought it was funny to mention the phrase last year was a tell-tale sign because it is in full swing this year. Not only did I quit my job, but I don’t know what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I hated working at ACT, but at least I made money and had a schedule everyday. Regardless of how the schedule absolutely sucked, I had something to do everyday. Now, I feel like I don’t which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I just need some order in my life. But to add on, the order in my life should be from something I enjoy; I want a job where I’ll enjoy. Maybe it’s too soon for that so I should stick to things I hate that’ll make me money... Who knows. Well, because Tim took the wrong day off, I was forced to do daily Saturday things such as going to church n stuff. Tim wanted to take me out to dinner after and because I loved Shabu, he wanted to take me to All That Shabu, a place we both love. I didn’t think it was anything special because we always go here regardless of a special occasion or not so I didn’t want to go. Not only that, it was a Saturday so the line would be long. And mf had the audacity to ask me to pay for my half???????????? He claims that he doesn’t and I offer, which he won’t turn down, but are u fucking kidding me for my birthday? MF is DUMB.

Books I read this month; Icebreaker by Hannah Grace (5/10) I didn’t see the appeal in this. Author describes FMC like a man and that bothered me a lot. My friend recommended it to me because she loved it and ate it up, loving the struggle of FMC to get out of her ways, but I think there was too much spiciness [fwb kind of book] to focus on the main idea.

Terms and Conditions by Lauren Asher (10/10) I loved this book. I discussed it with Tara, and it went from being in my top 3 to just being really good. Although I ate this up in 2 days, I don’t think MMC was responsible or held accountable for his actions. He would say things like “whatever she wants, she gets” which is my dream, but what are the consequences of his actions? I loved this book so much more than the first of the Dreamland Billionaire series because MMC had it rough protecting his younger siblings from his dad. Do I like drama? Am I the drama?

A Long Time Coming by Meghan Quinn (6.5/10) I really wanted to like this book. Tara loves the Kane brothers (Dreamland Billionaires) and I thought these Cane brothers would be mine, but honestly I didn’t like the first brother as much either. The entirety of the beginning of this book was ASS. The FMC is getting married, and the MMC is her best friend so he’s her best man. The FMC irritated the fuck out of me, wanting the MMC to be at her beck and call if anything happens like wanting him to move near her and her husband when they move like ????? Boundaries????? But towards the end, MMC is a freak. People love him in that he shows FMC a good time, but I have never been so angry at a book in the beginning. Anyways, his brother is my hubby so tis ok. Final Offer by Lauren Asher (100/10) Tara said I would love it, and I did. MMC struggles with alcoholism and wants to be given a second chance with FFM and her daughter. It’s so cute how MMC did not like the daughter at first because he wasn’t used to having a her around, but the way the get closer and closer makes my heart so happy. He overcomes his alcoholism because he has someone to do it for now and UGHHHHHHHHHH. I went out and bought a copy so I can reread it again. Do I like middle brothers or do I like men with issues?

Throttled by Lauren Asher (6.5/10) Maybe I just don’t like the F1 racing scene but this book was not the best. Tara loves it, but I mean, I don’t see the appeal in the MMC. Maybe because of the cover and that’s not my type? But I do love how MMC is willing to go to therapy and fix his shit in order to have and appease FMC. I do like the brother’s best friend (teammate/rival) trope so I do love that. To be honest, I’m more intrigued with side/other character’s stories. No idea if I’ll get to them, but probably so. MMC and FMC deserve to be together.

Forbidden Hearts by Corinne Michaels (9/10) I honestly enjoyed this book. I prolonged the time I finished because I needed to peel myself from the book and exist in reality, but this book had me kicking my feet while giggling. This is a nanny and single dad trope that I saw on Tiktok so I wasn’t really excited to start because ngl, Tiktok does give some shitty recommendations sometimes. But I chose to read it because of Cal and Cami from Final Offer. MMC is a grump, and the nanny is the FMC, who MMC has known growing up, but never liked. FMC gets the opportunity to nanny MMC’s deaf daughter and gets along well with her, and whilst seeing how responsible FMC got, MMC fell for her. It really is the trope of he falls harder which I absolutely love. I cannot get past the idea of a 40 something year old calling me “sweetheart” during the deed but ya know it is what it is. It’s not me. But some parts are kind of cheesy. I thought it was a first book for Corinne, but apparently not and she’s been writing since 2015 so that was wild. This book was v cute-- reminded me of The Love Hypothesis, but that book is incomparable to anything else.

The Deal by Elle Kennedy (8/10) It took awhile for me to come around to reading this because of the book cover. It looks like a low res tumblr 2011 picture tbh. Tara convinced me it was an easy read and I wanted to add another book to my July read so I finished it in a day. The banter between MMC and FMC was so cute, and honestly, I knew what was going to happen, but the climax made me cry. This is one of the booktok books so I had high expectations. This book reminds me of that one movie on Netflix with Ken Jeong and Bella Thorne, but also, I feel like this idea is something I had in my head, but it was beautifully illustrated out in real life. MMC was such a college athlete which was so funny but the way he loves FMC made me sob. I love this. Adding this to my physical collection because it’s cheap.

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h-pelessly · 11 months

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June 4, 2023

I forgot to write an entry for the month of May, but let me sum it up really quick.

On May 12th was Alex’s memorial. Up until then, I’ve just been thinking of the whole situation and was really sad. I hate how empathetic I am-- I don’t know if it’s empathy or depression or both, but I kept thinking about it being me. The thought has crossed my mind multiple times, but I never realized how hard it was for everyone around. We arrived late and since the service was done indoors, I didn’t want to go in. It’s one thing to disturb something when it’s already in motion, but it’s another thing to disturb when people are already sad as is. So we just listened from outside which was really nice because they did have speakers so we can hear the service from outside, but also, I was able to talk and be comforted by Tim. After the service, it turns out that she was cremated so they turned the service outside so they can bless the box. Everyone was inside, but since we were outside, we were able to watch the whole thing. It was incredibly upsetting seeing everyone in her family so torn over it. As they should be, but it just impacted me deeply. After that, everyone walked away to eat in celebration of her, which was very terrifying to me seeing everyone. I know it wasn’t about me, but the social anxiety was just plummeting through me. Bre saw us first and I asked her how she was as if we just didn’t attend a funeral. I mean I feel as if it was justified as to ask how everything was going in her life beside this because I haven’t seen her in years, but it doesn’t matter. Then we saw Vanessa and Jamie from ACT and we stayed around with them for awhile before they left. We saw Cindy, Alex’s mom, and hugged her. I realized that I should’ve said something like “sorry for your loss” or something, but I don’t think that would’ve helped. I was also surprised how put together her mom was, but Vanessa said that she probably had no tears left or is staying strong for the service. That is absolutely fair, but I just felt that anything could’ve triggered her so I don’t know if saying anything would be beneficial. We left along with them and the weight was lifted off my chest. I think of Alex’s passing daily, but I think I was very disturbed by the social anxiety part more.

On May 29, Tim and I went to Vegas for our 8th year anniversary. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was so excited for the getaway and to relax for a little bit. The day we left was very stressful because Tim’s family wanted him to do stuff for them, and it was frustrating because they knew he was busy, but whatever. When we left, we went to the Barstow outlets. I don’t know what I was expecting, but we didn’t buy anything. We just walked around for a bit then got coffee and left. When we arrived at Rio, the check in/out line was insane. We stood in line for at least half an hour before realizing there was the express lane that uses technology, our specialty. Tim went to sign in and they said our room was not yet ready, which was complete bullshit because our check in time was 3 PM and it was 6 PM. Annoyed, we went outside to pass the time. We went to get food, walk around a little bit, which was cool because people were leaving so it wasn’t as jam-packed. When we got back at 9 PM because I was incredibly impatient, our room was finally ready. We went to our room, which was just the basic honestly-- we will not be staying at Rio because not only was it off strip, we couldn’t walk anywhere because it was over the highway, but it didn’t really offer anything great. Why are we paying the same resort fee as other hotels if there are all these cons? We knocked out then too without going out anymore. The next day, our anniversary, we planned on doing a lot, but didn’t do them. I woke up early because I couldn’t sleep so we started our day at around 10 AM. We got some food then went walking. We wanted to try the around the world Coca-Cola world so we went towards that on the other side of the strip from where we parked, but it turns out they were closed that day-- so frustrating. Exploring the strip and hotel was what we mostly did that day until we got back at 6 PM to relax before grabbing dinner. I wanted to go to the pool, but it turns out that they closed at 6 so that was great. I took a little nap before we went to Shabu, which was good, but it wasn’t anything to die for. Not only was the wait super duper long, the waitress that took over for the main waitress forgot everything like our utensils so we had to sit around and wait for those when the limit was 1:20 eating. After the mediocre food, we went home to watch movies and chill before sleeping. The last day, we accidentally slept in until 10 AM when our check out time was 11 AM. However, since we already kind of packed yesterday, it was fine for us to get ready quickly and check out (via express ofc. F human contact.) Once we did that, we went to the car so I could get ready. We then went to Wynn for a bit, which we got lost in (long story short, delusion is key.) We came out and decided to get a drink for the drive home. As going to get the drink, we decided to check out the Coca-Cola world, which was freaking open, but the line was inconsiderably long and not moving, so I was a brat and begged to leave. Tim didn’t want to, but I left and he followed, hehe. We got a Shake Shack drink, which the cashier asked if I was cold, mentioning my shaking, which was very rude in my opinion because he could simply just mind his business, but I made the conversation short and walked away. After we got our drink, we rushed to leave. I was very surprised because the whole trip, we weren’t asked for IDs even in the casino which made me very confused if I look of age-- amazing.

June 3rd, I hung out with Andrew from college for the first time in 3 years and it was really cool. It made me super soft that he told me he thinks of me and hopes that I’m doing well even though we literally haven’t spoken in three years. It makes me so soft and good that I’ve made such an impact in someone’s life like I thought I just exist, but apparently not. He wanted to hang out with me and Tim at a climbing place, but since Tim’s working, he took me out for brunch. The place he chose, I have looked up, but it wasn’t the best. I didn’t say anything opposing, but he didn’t like the food too much anyway. So he told me that I can pick next time, which also makes me super soft because he goes to med school in Nevada, and when he has time, which I don’t think is often, he goes to I assume Riverside, and drives all the way to Santa Ana for me. Platonically, that makes me super giggly like SOMEONE LIKES ME IN THEIR LIVE LIKE THAT. Also knowing that I’m in a relationship with Tim-- makes me super soft. Anyway, he wanted to go climbing and so I agreed to join him and watch, which I guess, is more time spent talking and catching up, so I agreed. It was cool, kind of boring, but I was kind of busy observing everything and everyone so that was kind of fun. When I took a video of him climbing from behind, I realized how much like Tim he looks from behind. Then I realized that he has his weird and annoying quirks so he’s just like Tim in a different font-- I found another Tim because I like him that much. Anyways. He complimented me on my ability to judge like the trail which in my head, I was like this is just like Sims fr like giving them directions. Also, I made him do the “easier” levels which he didn’t want to do, but he did, which made me hehhehhehhe. After he dropped me off, later at night, we had another hang out or social event. I forgot to add that I did tell Andrew about the hangout and what time and he went out of his way at 6 to tell me to have fun. He’s just baby eyes bro I feel so LOVED. It was to Kevipoo’s and they were having a party for his brother’s graduation. We drank, smoked, and played games. I ate a 10 mg edible which Fermin told me would hit soon, but I was okay the entire time. I took a few sips of Topo Chico so I guess I was a little giggly from that. No idea but I was waiting for the za, as Fermin calls it, to hit me, but it didn’t. It was weird at first because to be completely honest, I’ve always thought his brother, Tony, was obnoxious, but Tim liked him and he was Kevin’s brother so I guess I had to do something to not seem like I “hated” him. I also saw Jimmy which was really cool-- I haven’t seen him since high school though we didn’t really catch up, but we played games and stuff. We played Smash, a little of Mario Kart, and Pico Park. Smash was more fun last time, but everyone kept asking how I was still alive a lot of the times but it was because I stayed at the top out of their reaches. Then they played Mario Kart which wasn’t my forte because of the small screens. Because Jesus smoked and drank a lil more than we were comfortable with, we stayed back with him past midnight to play Pico Park. At first, most of them didn’t want to play, but somehow, we convinced everyone to play which was really fun and a bonding moment. Then we all left and it was a pretty fun time overall. Bro, then the edible hit me but it was actually pretty fucking good like I just wanted to sleep and I did. Incredible.

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h-pelessly · 1 year

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April 26, 2023

Today, I’ve been trying to keep busy so it has not hit me as hard. I recently went through my pictures, and I saved a picture to send to Tim, which broke me. My co-worker that was more of a friend has passed away. I remember not wanting to connect with her outside of work which she did invite me to outings, but I just wanted to do my eight hours and go. I wasn’t really looking for friends, however, she was a good one. The fact that she passed away so quickly terrifies me, and I feel terrible that I wasn’t able to connect with her more than just a co-worker. One of our mutual friends/co-worker invited me to a bonfire to celebrate her life, but I didn’t want to attend even though I could’ve. I just felt like all her good friends would show up, and as close as I personally felt with her, it doesn’t translate to other people. I talked to my other friend about it and she blatantly pointed out that I have anxiety.

I feel like my anxiety has it’s ups and downs, but I didn’t realize me making excuses not to show up to the bonfire was anxiety.

I reached out to our mutual co-worker/friend after the bonfire to ask how it was, however, she hasn’t responded. I’m not sure if she’s busy, is too sad mourning, or just is angry at me for not showing up. I do understand that as a friend, no matter how close, should show up in support, but I just couldn’t bring myself to it because of anxiety. It’s not to say that my anxiety is more important than death or a celebration of someone’s life, but it did terrify me. It went from not wanting to contact her boyfriend, who I disliked because he treated her poorly in the past, to not knowing what to write as our memory together, as the ones on top of my head are dirty ones that I don’t want her boyfriend to know about, and just seeing everyone including her friends that knew her a lot better than I did. And yesterday, one of my old co-workers, sent me information on Alex’s funeral details, which I sat tearing up about. I don’t know why, but it makes it so much more real. It’s sickening that she passed 2 months before she was supposed to turn 25, and how instead of a wedding, her parents have to plan a funeral.

I know it’s not about me, but I couldn’t help but remember the fact that I was suicidal and very depressed. I remember asking my friend in high-school if she was afraid of dying, and when she said that she was, it has sat with me ever since. But the fact that I was not afraid to die is scary because I could’ve intentionally put my parents and family though this. I didn’t mean to, but I had reached a point in my life where life wasn’t worth living, and I wasn’t thinking about anyone else but myself.

My problems aside, Alex had so much life ahead of her. She was strong; she could’ve conquered the world, but life didn’t even give her a chance. Curveball after curveball, she couldn’t do it anymore. Now I’m deciding how to show up to her funeral. It’s the absolute minimum that I could do, but I’m still scared. I’m scared of seeing people crying and not being able to control it. I’m scared of conversing with people and not having enough memories compared to those more connected to her. I’m scared of seeing her and bawling because not only is it terrifying to see a decaying body, it is terrifying how fast life is. Nothing could’ve prepared anyone for this. Alex deserved the world.

Life’s too fucking short, man.

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h-pelessly · 1 year

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March 28, 2023

I went through my old tumblr posts and it was a walk down memory lane-- it was great. I asked myself why I won’t keep doing it now because I need an outlet, but then I remembered that I don’t want certain people to see my thoughts. It wasn’t like that when I was younger, but now it is. That’s crazy to me, but here I am: making a bad situation into a good one, heheh.

When I went through the posts, I really was walking down memory lane and it was great. I don’t know who hurt me that I joined Tumblr and reposted all of the hurt posts when I was 8, but I’m glad I was active then because my parents don’t really have tangible memories sitting around, and I already developed a sense of individuality that most of it was hidden from them. Anyway, I think it’s crazy how I thought life was so hard back then and how it was the end of the world because of certain situations. If only I knew...

It’s so funny how many people who stopped being friends with me and at some point in life, it didn’t matter anymore. People grow apart, and yeah, it was cool to have friends, but at some point, those friends will go off to do their own thing. At the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter. I don’t know if I can truly say that it doesn’t matter because now I don’t have many friends, but it doesn’t matter. My parents don’t have best friends because they’re so busy taking care of the family and working that it doesn’t matter. It’s a process to be sad about losing friends, but I wish I didn’t let it affect me so much.

I wish I didn’t participate in the fangirl lifestyle, but it is what it is and I am in DEEP. One fandom leads to another and now I cannot stop. Now, I think it’s a mental illness-- I get sad because I have no one to support, but everyone is so cancellable. I mean, fuck it, I would as well-- I’m human and people already dislike me so imagine if I publicized my thoughts... Yeah, anyway, I just want to say that being a fangirl SUCKS, but I have grown, and after the pandemic, I learned to just be alone and do things at a distance and still be able to “support.”

Some things I read, I was like what the actual fuck like some wattpad fan fiction shit happened to me. Or I described it as is. I just hate how fucking vague I was (which, to be fair, is who I am now, and it’s safe) and it’s so hard to actually remember what the heck was happening in the situation. It also makes me question if I got uglier or if I’ve learned to ignore the situations because none of that shit happens anymore. Adding onto this, I’ve always had low self-esteem and I see it now. At first, I think it was a thing like “forever alone,” but at some point, it was like a mindset that I couldn’t escape. I think that is a illness that is normalized (at least to that era people) and I still can’t shake the feeling. My looks are validated by my boyfriend, but that truly shouldn’t be the case. But it is what it is. This is just my life.

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