#i’ve finally accepted that i’m not getting my old blog back

[gojorgeous]

"MINE, MINE, MINE."

pairing: alpha!geto x omega!fem!reader summary: your doctor won’t refill your prescription until you’ve reset your cycle. you’re desperate for that refill, but geto’s not having it. content: MDNI (18+ ONLY), a/b/o dynamics, nsfw, dubcon? (reader doesn’t want a heat but it’s medically necessary (LMAO what)), established relationship, unprotected sex, breeding, praise, pet names, knotting, slight manipulation, dacryphilia, somnophilia, spit, blood, oral (fem!receiving), so much licking and smelling?, geto and reader are just downright feral LMAO, lmk if i missed anything. a/n: have y’all figured out that i have a breeding kink yet… anyway, this is the first a/b/o fic that i’ve ever written but i just read one and was feeling *inspired*. if people want i might do a prequel sort of thing for this that goes more in-depth about how they met and stuff. lmk! also, i have a vampire gojo fic planned hehe get ready bbs. if you want more of my omegaverse fics check out my alpha!gojo fic here! and remember, AGELESS BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED! divider credit to: @cafekitsune wc: 5.2k

“No.” 

No? You shift in your seat, cold and plastic, sure you must have heard him wrong. 

“I’m sorry?” you ask. You press your tongue to the roof of your mouth, an anxious habit.

“I can’t refill the prescription. I’m sorry, but, frankly, it would be completely irresponsible of me to do so. I’m shocked your previous physician prescribed them for so long.” Fingers find yours and twine them together. Your eyes flash to Geto, but he’s only staring at your new doctor, staring with that furrow in his brow he only gets when he’s worried.

Your new, soon-to-be old, doctor sighs again, running a hand through his thinning white hair. “You need to have a heat as soon as possible, allow your body to recalibrate. Indefinite use of suppressants is dangerous and unhealthy. They are meant to manage your cycles, not stop them altogether.” 

Sweat beads on your palms. He can’t be serious. But it’s his first opinion. Surely there’s another option.

“I-I’m sorry, doctor. I don’t think I’m understanding.” 

Another glance at Geto reveals that he’s frowning now. When his eyes find yours you see the decision there, one he’s already made without you. Your stomach drops.

The doctor sighs and suddenly the walls of the office feel small, tight, suffocating. The twinge of alcohol and chemicals in the air makes your nose scrunch. “Let me say this clearly. I will not refill your prescription for suppressants, nor will any other reputable physician. You have been taking them continuously for far too long. You risk permanent damage should you delay a proper cycle any longer.” The doctor glances to Geto, then back to you. “Go home with your alpha and allow nature to take its course. It’s what’s best.” 

Your eyes widen with realization– you are not leaving this office with what you came for. Your heart pounds and your palms sweat. “Th-that can’t happen, doctor. I need my suppressants. My job- I can’t be out that long a-and Geto can’t either, we–” 

“We will go home,” Geto interrupts, and his tone is final. “Thank you, doctor, for the advice.” 

Geto pulls you to your feet, gently but firmly. He leaves no question about the fact that you’re leaving. You can feel the intensity radiating off him in waves. You ignore it. You turn to your new doctor, silently smiting him. Why did your old one have to retire?

“Doctor, you don’t underst–” 

“Thank you again,” Geto interrupts.

Before you can make another sound, another protest, Geto pulls you through the door, out of the office, and back to the car. He opens the door for you, as he always does, except this time you’re not so eager to accept his chivalry. 

“Suguru,” you bite out. His eyes meet yours, but they are surprisingly gentle. So calm. How is he always calm? 

“Just get in, baby. We’ll talk about it in the car.”

You debate saying no, but you can’t bring yourself to start a fight when he’s being so good. You grumble when you climb in, buckling your seatbelt before Geto can do it for you.

The engine revs to life, but you hardly notice. You’re already scrolling your phone, the search bar reading a simple and straightforward “doctors offices near me”. You scroll right past the first ten, for once in your life wanting a doctor that’s a little sketchy. You scroll further– still not sketchy enough. Someone who’ll give you the prescription you need, even if it’s not necessarily… ethical. Or maybe you could get some on the street? Surely there was some kind of dealing ring for that. There was a dealing ring for everything, right?

“What are you doing?” His voice is soft, but his fingers are tight around the steering wheel, skin stretched tight across his knuckles.

You lift your phone to your ear, dialing the first office that looked relatively shitty enough. “Getting a second opinion,” you answer. 

Suguru plucks the phone so swiftly from your fingers that you hardly even notice it’s gone. You see him end the call and slip it into his back pocket, out of your reach. 

“Hey!” You scramble across the center console, hopelessly grabbing at your lost phone, your last hope. 

Suguru grabs your wrist, restraining you far too easily for your liking. “You’re not getting it back,” he says. His eyes never leave the road. 

Your brows pinch and anger boils in your stomach. “This is not for you to decide. It’s my body.”

He glances at you, unconcerned. Still calm. “And you’re not in a headspace to be making a responsible decision about it, so I’m making it for you.”

Your jaw drops and you pry your wrist free of his grasp. You escape, but you know it’s only because he allows it. “I am of perfectly sound mind, thank you.” 

He shakes his head and sighs. “You’re blinded by desperation.” 

“It’s still not for you to decide!” When you don’t notice any change in his expression, you switch tactics– from anger to honesty. You let your face fall, let your true feelings creep through. “You know how much I hate it, Su.” 

Finally, he cracks. It’s instantaneous, the way he melts for you- the way the soft smile finds his lips and his hand finds yours, twining your fingers together. “I know, but you have to, baby. You heard the doctor.” 

You clench your jaw and avoid the sting of tears behind your eyes. You had heard the doctor, but you weren’t ready. Maybe next month, when you’d had more time to mentally prepare. 

Your skin crawled. You hated it, hated this. You hadn’t had a heat in years, avoiding them like the plague. You hated how vulnerable they made you, how they put you at the mercy of another. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust Suguru– you did. You trusted him more than anyone, anything, but you still hated the feeling of being so completely helpless, so completely out of control, even if it was Suguru you were submitting to. 

For most of your life, you’d successfully hidden your omega status. With the help of suppressants, you’d passed as a beta until your early twenties. Then you met Geto. 

You’d met at work. He was cute, beautiful even, you’d thought, but he screamed alpha– and alphas could be dangerous, especially for hiding, unclaimed omegas like you. You’d stayed away as long as you could and, for a while, you were quite successful. You avoided him in the halls, sat at the opposite end of the table in meetings, replied to emails succinctly but politely. All was well until you’d been trapped in an elevator with him one morning, biting your lip anxiously as you waited to reach the twelfth floor. He’d smelled so good that day, perhaps due to an oncoming rut. You hadn’t been able to resist inching closer, taking deeper breaths. Suguru would later tell you that he’d suspected your hidden status, but he had no reason to question you. At least, not until he had you up against the elevator wall with his face buried in your neck. One deep whiff was all he’d needed to know exactly what you were, even with suppressants in your system.

You’d dated for a little over a year, until you’d decided he was the one. Your fingers dust over the mate mark on your throat, the one that had not only made you undoubtedly Suguru’s, but also the one that had revealed to the world exactly what you were. There was no hiding your true identity with an alpha’s scarred mark on your neck. 

Suguru had never seen you through a heat– no one had. You’d taken your suppressants daily, ever since you met him and even long before that. He’d claimed you on a day like any other, no heat necessary. He hadn’t had a rut in all these years, either. When he felt one coming on all he had to do was pop a single pill and all was well– apparently with none of the nasty side effects that came along with your suppressants. Another unfair privilege of being an alpha you supposed. 

“Sugu, I can’t do this.” Your lip is raw from how much you’ve been chewing on it by the time you reach home. 

Suguru softly shuts the door behind you, lifting your twined hands to his lips, gently kissing your knuckles. 

“Yes you can. I know you can.” 

You shake your head. He doesn’t understand– doesn’t know what this will do to you, how it will break you. While you hadn’t had a heat in years, you had experienced them before. You loathed them more than anything, loathed the way your mind was a slave to your body and not the other way around, loathed the way your whole body pulsed and throbbed, loathed the way it made you feel so… weak. “I can’t. It’s-it’s-” Your hands come up to cover your face. You sigh and feel the blush crawling beneath your cheeks. “It’s embarrassing. Humiliating.” 

There’s silence for a moment, and then a soft sight. Suguru pries your hands from your face gently. When you meet his eyes, he’s all business.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, baby.” 

You shake your head and pull away, pacing. “I don’t want anyone to see me like that, Sugu. Not even you.” 

Strong hands catch your waist, holding you still. “It’s not a question. It’s happening– for the sake of your health.” 

You scoff and shake your head. “It’s not–” 

His thumb presses to your lips with just enough pressure to demand silence. The omega in you coos to listen, to submit– the other part of you reels with annoyance.

“End of discussion.” 

He’s closer now and you can feel waves of his breath skating across your skin. It’s like a drug, one that the primal side of you can never get enough of. Give in, give in, give in, your omega begs. Listen to your alpha… You try not to focus on the fact that he smells good enough to eat. You know what he’s doing– using his dynamic to persuade you, to make you see his way, playing to the omega you can usually hide so carefully.

“Sugu…” you say. You intend to be angry but you trail off when his eyes catch yours. 

“I got you, baby.”

Your heart melts at the words. He waits. Maybe he knows that the smell of his skin on yours is playing tricks on your mind. You wage a battle within. Every instinct urges you to agree and with every passing second it becomes harder to disagree. Perhaps he’s right, perhaps it's time you give in for once. Let him take care of you, your omega purrs. You’re nodding before you realize what you’ve done.

Suguru kisses you quickly, allowing no time for takebacks. When he pulls away he gets to work. He whips his phone from his pocket and you listen to him talking to his boss, your boss, saying that you’ll both be out of work for a week on “family” leave. Your face heats when you realize that your boss now knows exactly what you two are going to be doing for the foreseeable future. Suguru kisses you one last time before he’s out the door, off to get enough food and supplies to last a week. You won’t be leaving your apartment for some time. You don't fail to notice that he doesn’t return your phone before he’s gone.

~

You don’t notice a difference, even after the sun is gone. It’s not surprising, considering you usually take your suppressants at night– it’ll take a little while longer for them to fully exit your system… you hope. When you’re brushing your teeth you stare at the empty prescription bottle longingly. 

You join Suguru in bed. The moment you crawl onto the mattress he pulls you closer into his bare chest. You savor the way your bodies fit so perfectly- like he was meant for you and you alone. His front curls around your back, a leg slotted between your thighs. 

“Feel anything?” he asks. 

You shake your head to hide your swallow. You almost shiver when Suguru buries himself in your neck, inhaling your scent. You feel him harden against your backside. He must be able to smell your approaching heat even before you can. Part of you expects instinct to take hold of him, for him to make a move, but he only presses a kiss to your jaw and holds you tighter. 

“Sleep, baby.” 

For once, you follow orders without a fight.

–

Hot. Too hot. 

When your eyes flutter open, you feel the pounding of your heart, the labor of your breath, and the growing ache between your legs. 

You sit up so fast you see stars, panic flooding your veins. No, no, no, no, no. This was wrong, you’d made the wrong choice. You couldn’t do this. Already, you could feel control slipping from your grasp, your consciousness giving way to something more primal, more feral. You scramble, preparing to stand, to find your phone, to lock yourself away and suffer through this on your own.

“Deep breaths, baby.” 

Only then do you realize Suguru is already awake. He’s behind you, hands on your shoulders, both a comfort and a restraint. 

“Can’t-” Your breaths are ragged and so are your words. “Can’t do this, Sugu-” 

“Yes, you can.” He whispers. He pulls you closer, tighter against him. “You will.” 

You shake your head frantically, tears pooling on your lashes. When you turn, Suguru is staring at your neck, at the mate mark on your throbbing pulse. His jaw is clenched when his tongue darts out to wet his lips. He’s restraining himself, you realize. A glance down reveals he’s already painfully hard in his pants. You wonder how long he’s been sitting there, taking in your scent, waiting for you to wake. No doubt his rut has already been triggered.

His eyes raise to yours and he pauses at the tears that leak down your cheeks. He leans closer, and the scent emanating from his neck makes you groan against your will. His kisses away the tears. Slowly, one at a time. 

“I’ve got you, baby,” he whispers. “I’ve got you.” 

Your body pulls him closer, even as your mind pushes back. “My phone, Sugu,” you panic. “Gotta gimme my phone. C-call a new doctor.” 

He shakes his head and when you start to squirm he only holds you tighter, holds you in place. 

“No, baby.” 

You whimper, seeking the scent gland on his neck against your will. The smell makes your clit throb almost painfully. 

“Sugu, please,” you cry. Tears stream from your eyes, staining your lover’s skin. 

“‘S gonna be okay. Just let it happen. Don’t fight it, love.” 

With each passing moment, you feel your fight slipping further and further away. Suguru rubs at the muscles in your back until you’re slumped against him, pitifully moaning like a wounded animal. It’s not long before your body takes the reins, until you start desperately humping at his thigh, your clit throbbing almost painfully. 

“That’s it. Good girl.” 

Your eyes roll back at the praise and when Suguru grips your waist you cry out at the touch. Everywhere his skin meets yours feels electric. You’re burning, burning, burning. It’s not until Suguru lays you down on your back that you see the sopping patch of slick you’ve left on his thigh. You whimper at the sight. 

“‘S okay, baby. ‘Ve got you.”

Suguru is looking nearly as lost to the lust as you are. Only his willpower and intent keep him from shredding away your panties and breeding your cunt full that very second. He’s never been in the presence of a scent so intoxicating. He’s never been with you, or any omega, through a heat. He thought you smelled amazing before, but now… He is lost to you, lost to the heat he feels emanating from every inch of your skin, to the honeyed scent pouring from your neck, to the slick he sees staining through your panties. His dick twitches in his pants. 

“Love you so much, baby. Gonna take such good care of ya,” he whispers. Instinct drives him forward until he’s plastered his lips to your jaw, licking and biting at the skin. You nearly scream at the sensation. You feel his touch everywhere, all at once. With your last coherent thoughts you know that this heat will be unlike any other you’ve ever experienced. It’s already so intense you can hardly think, and you’ve only just begun.

“Sugu,” you plead. 

The sound of his name on your lips breaks him. His hand dips across your stomach, thumbing past the edge of your panties until he’s running his finger through your slit, gathering your slick and rubbing it against your clit. 

You scream and thrash, so sensitive it nearly hurts, but he only moves to pin you beneath him, forcing you to take everything he gives. 

“Gonna make you feel ‘s good, baby.” he hums. He’s lost to you, to your desires, to your needs. Every piece of him screams to please you, to take care of you, in every way possible.

He continues his messy circles on your clit and until you’re gasping, hole clenching around nothing, begging to be filled. 

“S-Sugu…” you whine.

The growl that rips from his throat has you arching your back and bearing your throat in an act of submission. You hear a tear and watch your panties hit the floor. Your shirt follows and then you’re completely bare beneath your alpha. His eyes go black at the sight, pupils blown so wide you can hardly see a smidgen of their usual brown. There’s a deep rumble in his chest that has you keening and reaching for him, needing him. He doesn’t waste time. His tongue finds your neck, laving sloppily at your scent gland and the sensation is so delicious that you writhe beneath him. 

His fingers slide down your stomach, dipping between your thighs and rubbing at your clit. The touch is somehow gentle despite the complete and total hunger in his eyes, but it has you whining nonetheless. Every place he touches you, which is nearly everywhere, stings so delightfully that your eyes are already rolling back.

But you can’t wait. You can’t. Your body is starved, rabid, and you know what you need.

“Ssssugu… please…” your words are hardly above a whisper, barely a breath, but your alpha still hears you, still knows what you want, what you need. 

“I got you, baby… shhhhh…” He gives a final lick to your scent gland before he’s leaning back on his knees, parting your thighs wide, exposing your leaking cunt. You can feel a puddle of slick beneath your ass, your hole clenching desperately around nothing, aching to be filled. 

Warm hands slide up your skin and settle on your hips, tugging you a little further down the bed. You whimper, but don’t have time to say anything before you feel him slipping through your folds. A glance down reveals his weeping tip, achingly flushed, bumping and rubbing against your clit. When did his pants come off? You don’t know, you don’t care, all that matters is that the sight steals your breath away. 

“Gonna knot you good, princess.” 

You nod, wanting nothing more than for him to make good on his promise. You claw and grip at his arms, chanting his name endlessly. His chest rumbles again and your thighs part further on instinct. Finally, he gives you what you want. You feel him pressing in, fat tip stretching you wide. One of his hands moves to press down on your tummy and the combination has tears pooling in your eyes. 

He slides in slowly. With every inch you think he must be done, that you can’t take any more. But you can, and you do. When he’s finally fully in your jaw is hanging open in ecstasy and your eyes are rolled back in your skull. His fingers brush your clit and your hips jerk. 

“That’s it. So good, baby. So fucking good.” 

Your tears flood over, racing down your cheeks. He’s over you again, loose strands of black hair brushing your skin and forcing a whimper from your throat. He licks away your tears, lapping at your cheeks like you’re a fucking lollipop. His hips start thrusting in time with his licks, and it’s more than you can handle. Your thighs tremble and suddenly you’re begging. Pleading, whining, screaming for more. He gives it to you. One hand finds yours, twining your fingers together as he pounds into you so hard he’s rattling your skull. He’s licking at your scent gland again, driving you further and further toward a cliff you’re afraid to fall from. You think this orgasm might shatter you, might break you so thoroughly you’ll never be put back together again. You can feel it tightening at your core with each thrust, each lick, each kiss. 

“Fuck,” you hear him growl and whimper at the sound of his voice so close to your ear. “‘M gonna bite you, princess. Gonna mark you up and knot you so good you’ll see fucking stars.” You pant beneath him, unable to word how excited you are by his words, how deliciously they roll across your skin and seep into your spine. “Tell me you didn’t take your pill, baby. Tell me I can breed this pussy full and it won’t go to waste.” He’s not talking about your suppressants you know, but rather the contraceptives you take in tandem with them. Of course you took it, but suddenly something makes you wish you hadn't. “‘M gonna flush ‘em down the fucking toilet. Never letting you take that shit again.”

The primal part of you surges forward at the idea. It chants deep in your mind. Yes, yes, yes…

“Suguuu… please…” It seems like those are the only words your tongue can form.

His lips press to yours, shushing you. “Shhh, baby. Don’ worry. I got you.” He licks across your cheek and down across your jaw until he finds your scent gland again. His thrusts pick up again and you think you might pass out from how good you feel, from how tight your muscles are coiling. You can feel his knot pulsing inside you, preparing to fill you to the brim. You’ve never felt more ready for anything. 

“Sugu–” 

And it’s at that moment that he makes good on his promise. His teeth sink into your neck and you feel your bond snap taut like a string, pulsing with the closeness of your connection. It’s pure ecstasy. Suguru’s knot swells, notching tightly inside you and when you feel his cum pulsing into your womb it’s all too much. You think you must be screaming from the pleasure but you only hear the ringing in your ears as your orgasm washes over you. Your muscles clench, your toes curl, your back arches, you see those stars Suguru promised. Heat tingles through your limbs and down your spine and you think you’ve probably just melted into the mattress. But you haven’t, and when your vision returns, you’re panting and staring at the ceiling. 

Suguru is above you and you can feel him still cumming, still releasing rope after rope of thick, hot cum into you. The sensation makes you groan and he laps at your neck, cleaning up the blood from the new mark he’s just given you. Your consciousness trickles back in, the primal piece of you partially sated for the time being. You remember the context of your situation, why you’re here and not at work, what you’re doing. You’re puzzled by why you’d been so panicked by the idea of a heat before. How could you have been so reluctant, so scared, when nothing has ever felt this right?

Suguru is peppering you with kisses now, pulling you tight to his chest and rolling you both onto your sides where you’ll stay until his knot softens. 

“Sleep, princess,” he says and he uses that tone that always compels you to listen, to please. You happily do as he says and when your eyes drift shut it’s not long before you’re lost to a world of comfortable darkness. 

~

You wake to the throbbing again. All of the pent up need Suguru had sated has returned with a vengeance. You need him again, but it appears he already knows that. 

You feel him between your legs, his hair fully loose now and tickling the insides of your thighs. He’s eating you out, slurping up the cum that’s leaking down your thighs and spitting it back onto your cunt. It’s filthy, disgusting, and you love it.

“Sugu–” you gasp and your hips buck. His eyes lock with yours and the smile he gives you nearly makes you come on the spot. He holds your gaze as he licks one last long stripe over your folds. You whimper and clench around nothing. Empty, empty, empty…

“Sorry, baby,” he whispers against your skin. He’s kissing his way up your body now, leaving little circles of spit that cool when they touch the air and make you shiver. “‘Y smelled so good…” 

You whine and whimper, clawing at his back and leaving scratches you think might draw blood. You’re too worried about getting him inside of you to check.

You’re gasping like you’ve never had a breath of air in your life, like you’ve drowned and every touch he gives you fills your lungs with much-needed oxygen. His hands rub gently at your waist, but it’s not enough. You want him to wreck you, ruin you. You say as much. 

“M-more…” you beg and when he hums against your neck you squirm desperately. Warm hands dig into your flesh and suddenly you find yourself flipped onto your stomach. You feel Suguru behind you, pushing your thighs apart with his knees. His hands find your hips again and lift, propping you up with your face still pressed to the pillows. When you whimper he runs a soothing hand up and down your spine. 

“‘S okay, baby. Relax. Lemme take care ‘ve you.” 

Yes, yes, yes, you think. You don’t think you’ve ever wanted anything more. His fingers dig into your skin, holding you still when he feeds his dick into you, one inch at a time. You cry out, tearing at the sheets and begging for more, even when you already feel like you’re splitting in half. When he’s finally seated inside you he drapes himself over your back, brushing your hair over one shoulder to expose your neck. He leans in to lick you again, thrusting sharply the moment his tongue brushes your skin. You wail, pressing your face to the sheets and attempting to rock yourself back against him. One of his hands smooths over the flesh of your ass as he sets a pace, one that makes you bite down on a pillow to muffle your screams. 

“No.” Suguru uses that tone that makes you listen, that one that calls instinctively to the omega inside you, that urges you to please. He reaches for your pillow, tossing it aside and letting his hand curl around your throat as he continues to fuck you, letting his fingers feel the vibrations of every noise you make. “Let me hear you, baby. Always let me hear you.” 

You nod, eager to make him happy, eager to do as he says. You don’t dare restrain a single sound, eyes rolling back. The angle he has you at has your thighs trembling. He’s so deep, so close. You feel his heartbeat against your back, feel his tongue on your skin, his hand on your throat, his cock at your cervix.

When he groans, you groan with him, feeling his dick pulse inside you, his knot beginning to swell. You need it, need it so bad you can hardly stand it. 

“P-please, please, please–”

He swells inside you, locking your bodies together as his orgasm hits. It’s all you need to find your own. You wail into the mattress, cunt clenching and legs trembling until you collapse, flattening against the beg. Suguru follows you down, wrapping his arms around your waist and whispering in your ear.

“Take it all, baby. Good girl. Take it all…” 

You nod, not even sure what you’re agreeing to. All you can feel is his cum flooding your insides, pulsing and pumping so deep into you that you swear your tummy is swelling with the sheer amount of it. Still, your body wants more, clenching and milking him for every last drop, just like he asked.

When you both come down from your orgasms he pulls you into his chest once again, whispering promises of protection and love that lull you into a trance-like state of happiness. When you fall asleep again, he’s chanting a word that your omega repeats right back to him. “Mine, mine, mine.”

When you wake again it’s to the sound of Geto staying true to his word and flushing every last birth control pill you have straight down the toilet. Your omega surges at the idea, but one mewl from you and he’s back in your arms, like you’re somehow the one in charge, not him. With every passing moment, you being to think that might be true- that perhaps a heat does not makes you as weak as you thought. Your alpha submits as much to you as you submit to him.

The week is spent in a frenzy. You do not measure by the numbers on the clock or where the sun is in the sky, rather you know time only as how long it’s been since Suguru’s been locked inside you. If it were up to you, you’d never stop, but Geto forces you to sleep, to eat, to bathe. Of course, he’s never far away when you’re following his instructions and you usually get a kiss and his knot as a reward for being such a good girl. 

It’s ten days later when your heat finally starts to wane. It feels as though every inch of you is covered in him. Bites, hickies, kisses, cum… no part of you has been left untouched. Suguru has had you everywhere. The bed, the shower, the bath, the kitchen. Every surface in the whole apartment reeks of sex and slick. He never keeps you too far from the bedroom, though, where you’ve piled up mountains of his shirts and sheets. Anything that smells like him, anything that can keep you tethered in those brief moments when Suguru goes to fetch you food or water or run you a bath. He takes care of you, just like he promised. 

When you wake completely clear-headed for the first time in well over a week, it’s to Suguru’s arms and lips. He’s got you all wrapped up in him, his arms locked around your waist almost like he expects you to bolt. You almost do when everything comes flooding back to you, this time with a completely clear conscience. But then he kisses your neck and whispers a delightful little, “welcome back, baby” against your neck and suddenly you’re realizing how… revitalized you feel, like a part of you has finally been properly satisfied after years of waiting. You’d always hated this, always hated the part of you that begged and cowered, hated heats- but maybe with Suguru… they really weren’t all that bad.

taglist (DM me to be added!): @lacheri, @la-undercover-latina

link: alpha!gojo fic

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#bree’s fics #jjk #jjk smut #geto #geto suguru #jjk geto #jjk suguru #jjk x reader #geto smut #geto x reader #jujutsu kaisen #geto suguru smut #getou suguru #getou x reader #suguru x reader #getou suguru x reader #suguru geto smut #jujutsu kaisen suguru #omegaverse #a/b/o #a/b/o dynamics #jujutsu geto #jjk getou #jjk omegaverse #alpha geto #omegaverse geto #omegaverse getou #cw: omegaverse #cw: a/b/o

[slaybestieslay946]

Hey! I love ur blog and I saw ur accepting requests for luke castellan, (I’ve never requested a fic before so I’m sorry if I’m doing this wrong lol)

Could I have a fic where reader comes to camp in the middle of the night after getting attacked by monster(doesn’t matter which monster) but after they’re in camp and moved into the Hermes cabin they’re distant and angry because theyre pissed off at the world and the gods. Luke being luke though doesn’t give up on trying to make the reader feel at home and tries his hardest to get them out of their shell. UNTIL reader gets claimed by Zeus and gets moved to the lonely Cabin 1 and can’t sleep so they go back to Hermes cabin and Luke lets them sleep in his bunk w him and fluffy ending of such

Damn that was a lot it’s totally ok if u don’t want to do this!

Thank you!!!

I really love this idea, and I'm so glad you love my blog! Hope you enjoy!

Mystery Girl

MASTERLIST

word count: 2700

pairing: luke castellan x zeus!reader

warnings: minor depictions of violence, readers kind of a bitch but like not really.

a/n: reader is so unbothered i kinda aspire to be her

Late at night, you stumbled through the camp's threshold, leaning on Aspen, your protector. He was equally leaning into you, and you couldn’t tell whose blood it was soaking threw your shirt, yours, or his. 

You could see a few buildings at the bottom of the hill, and a few of them had lights on. 

“Help, please!” You shouted, weakly raising your arm to catch some sort of attention. 

Aspen did the same, his exclamations a mix of real words and pained bleats. 

Eventually, people began emerging from the buildings, rubbing their eyes in exhaustion, trying to work out what was going on. You and Aspen continued to shout for help, shuffling slowly down the hill, praying that you wouldn’t bleed out before you reached the bottom. 

Finally, someone seemed to realise you were in trouble, and a boy about your age began jogging up the hill towards you. His face was mostly calm, and he opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, halting when he saw the blood on your clothes and the used spear in your hand. 

You instinctively let go of Aspen, and rushed forward to seek help.

“Please, help me.” You pleaded desperately, losing your balance and stumbling forwards towards him. 

“Alright, alright.” He said, catching you by the arm and holding you steady, before shouting down at the campers below, “These two need to get to the infirmary! Someone wake the Apollo cabin, yeah?!”

He then turned back to you, holding you steady by the arms and trying to assess the damage. 

“It’s alright, yeah? You’re safe now, we just gotta get these cuts checked out, hm?”

You tried to nod, but found you couldn’t move your head, or your body. You tried to speak, tried to tell him that Aspen needed help too, but your mouth couldn’t move either. 

And then your vision went black. 

*

When you woke up, you thought you were in heaven. It smelt nice, homely. Not that you really knew that home was supposed to smell like. 

It was warm too, and you felt yourself sighing contentedly. If this really was heaven, then you didn’t mind being there all that much. 

After a while, you decided it was time to open your eyes, maybe go and explore the afterlife. 

But when you tried to sit up, you felt a sharp jolt of pain that snapped you back to reality. You let out a small hiss in discomfort, lowering yourself back into the bed. 

Slowly, the memories began to come back to you, leaving school, Aspen forcing you onto a road trip, nearly getting killed by a monster, and finally passing out on the hill of a ‘camp’. 

Heaven sounded preferable. 

You took in the room. It seemed like any old house, a dresser in the corner along with a wardrobe and old floral wallpaper that even covered the ceiling. Until you noticed another bed beside yours, with Aspen asleep on it, and one beside his. 

You remembered the words of that boy who’d run to you, and you figured this must be the infirmary. 

“Hey, Aspen.” You whispered, turning your head to the side and trying to ignore the sting of your injuries.

“Aspen!” You called again, raising your voice, but still he didn’t hear you. He must still be asleep. Lucky bastard. 

You huffed, sinking fully back into the pillows and waiting for someone to arrive. Thankfully, it didn’t take long, and soon enough a young boy was coming in, holding several canisters of liquid. 

“Oh, you’re awake,” He grinned, “How’s the pain?”

“Bad.” You replied, groaning at the thought. 

He chuckled, “Not surprising. You got some nasty scratches from that monster. Here, drink some of this, it’ll fix you up.” 

He offered one of the canisters to you, and you took it, regarding it with a certain amount of suspicion. 

“What’s this?”

“Nectar. It’ll help, trust me.” 

You relented, deciding that it was worth the risk if it would get rid of some of the throbbing in your back. 

And he was right, almost immediately, you felt soothed, and as you drank more, you began to feel energised, like you could conquer the world. 

“What did you say this was? Nectar?” 

“Yep. Food of the gods.” 

“Where’d you get this stuff?” 

“Oh, we get shipments from Olympus every month. You won’t find that at your local grocery store.”

“Woah, woah, woah.” You held up your hands to stop him for a minute, “What do you mean Olympus?” 

The boy's eyes widened, and some kind of realisation struck him. 

“I don’t think I should be the one to break this to you.” 

*

Just a few hours later, everything had been explained to you, and you were kicked out of the so-called ‘Big House’. Nice of them to do that, considering a centaur had just dropped the bombshell that you were the child of an ancient Greek god. 

To be fair though, you probably should have clocked that something was up when you were being chased by a mythical beast, but then again, you did have your hands full. 

Now, you were sitting on the front steps of the porch, waiting for some kid to show you round the camp. 

“Hey, mystery girl! Good to see you’re feeling better.” A voice called out, and you looked up to see the very same boy who had come to your aide on the hill. 

“Oh, hi. Yeah, I’m all good.”

“Cool. Nice to meet you, by the way. I’m Luke.”

“Y/N.” 

“Right, so, I’ll start the tour.” He declared, flashing you another bright grin which you feebly returned. 

He started the tour off at the dining pavilion, then showed you the amphitheatre, then the strawberry fields, the archery range and the lake. 

Finally, he introduced you to each of the cabins, skipping over the empty cabins 1, 2 and 3. 

“And this,” He gestured to the eleventh cabin, “Will be where you’re staying.”

“Woah.” You said, stepping back, “What do you mean staying? I can’t stay here.” 

He looked at you blankly, “You don’t really have much of a choice, mystery girl.”

“Yeah, I do. I can leave whenever I want, you can’t do anything about it.” 

“You wanna get killed by a monster? Because if I remember right, you came awfully close a few days ago. That’s why you can’t leave.” 

“Well I guess I’ll just have to take that chance. Appreciate the tour and everything, but I’m going.” You then turned on your heel and began to walk away. 

There was no chance in hell you were staying in this camp, and if it had to be over your dead body, then so be it. 

However, your desertion was halted by Luke grabbing you by the hand and pulling you back. 

“I’m not kidding, Y/N. You’ll die as soon as you step past that barrier. Just,” He sighed, seemingly exasperated, “Stay for one night. It’s not that bad here once you get used to it.” 

You glared up at him, weighing your options. He seemed pretty serious about this. 

“And you can’t leave Aspen when he’s still in critical condition?”

That broke your resolve.

“Fine. I’ll stay until Aspen wakes up. Show me my bunk.” 

He grinned, and turned back to Cabin 11, showing you inside. 

*

Turns out, Aspen waking up wouldn’t be such a close deadline as you thought. As it turned out, he’d been hit by some kind of poisonous claw from the monster, and had been put into some kind of coma. 

So now, as prior to your agreement with Luke, you were stuck here until he woke up. Which could be next week, or next year for all you knew. 

And yeah, you felt bad for the guy ‘cause he was in a coma, but it was seriously messing up your plans of leaving camp. 

Because you hated camp. 

The Hermes cabin stunk, and it was constantly noisy. Probably because there were so many people in there all the damn time. 

You also sucked at most of the stuff around camp. 

You weren’t exactly nurturing, so it was a no to the infirmary and the strawberry fields. You were an awful shot, and when you had a go in the forges you dropped a mallet on your foot. You were still recovering from that one. 

It seemed the only thing you were even slightly good at was fighting, mainly with the staff Aspen had lent you during the fight with the monster outside camp. Still, you weren’t great, unlike Luke who had insisted on taking you under his wing. 

He sat with you at every dinner and breakfast, and always seemed to be there when you turned a corner, or found a moment of peace. 

Yes, it was very kind of him to try and settle you in, but it was pretty futile, considering all you had wanted to do ever since you woke up was leave, consequences be damned. 

The one saving grace to your boredom was capture the flag. Luke had told you about it on your first day, and it was a game you remembered playing as a kid, and really enjoying. Apparently they ran a game every month, and this coming Sunday would be your first time playing.

The day of the game arrived, and for the first time in your two weeks at camp, you were in a decently good mood, and of course, Luke took notice of this. 

“What’s got you so happy, mystery girl?”

“Nothing. Besides, why do you keep calling me that, you know my name now, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but you're just so private and mysterious. I’m surprised you even told me your name.”

“I wish I didn’t, Castellan, maybe you wouldn’t be here to bug me all the time.” 

“Ouch, don’t be like that. You know I’m great company really.” 

You didn’t reply to that, instead rolling your eyes at him and returning to the task of tightening your armour, struggling a bit with the straps. 

Luke quickly came to your aid, much to your chagrin, helping you adjust the breastplate so it fit properly. 

“Thanks.” You sighed reluctantly, quickly stepping away from him to grab your spear. 

“No problem.” 

*

Soon, the game was well underway, and you quickly realised that you had been given possibly the most boring job, that being guarding the perimeter. Not that you could really blame your team leaders, you were the newest member and logically the most inexperienced. But still, you’d been hoping for something a little more exciting. 

Every now and then you heard the odd shout further on in the woods and raised your spear, but you never actually caught sight of anyone from the opposing team. Or your team for that matter. 

You really had been given the short straw. 

After another hour of standing there, you were about ready to quit all of this completely, throw off your armour and escape camp, agreement with Luke be damned, that was until you heard hurried footsteps, and someone panting heavily coming from behind you. 

You quickly whipped around, to see a girl from the Ares cabin, holding your flag, standing about 50 feet away. 

Then you heard another step of footsteps, and there was Luke, around the same distance away, holding the opposing team's flag. 

You really didn’t want to be caught in the middle of something this exciting. 

They both began to run towards the threshold at top speed, and you stayed standing between them, unsure of what to do. Should you step back and let Luke do his thing, or should you step in to stop the girl. She looked pretty terrifying. 

You whipped your head side to side, continuing to debate, and in the midst of your dilemma, you realised the girl was much closer to you than Luke was. Fuck. 

You had to stop her somehow, but you obviously could just slash blindly at her, you didn’t want to behead her. 

And then, suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree, falling directly in her path, and she leapt back to avoid it, stumbling and also falling to the floor. 

Luke kept running, swerving around the fallen tree and onto your team's territory, cheering as the red flag shimmered and turned blue, and the conch sounded. 

You quickly ran over to the girl, clambering over the tree in an effort to help her up. 

She looked up at you in shock and confusion, but her eyes seemed to be focused on the space just about your head. 

“What’s wrong?” 

She pointed above you, “He claimed you.” She stuttered out. 

You looked to where she was pointing, and saw a lightning bolt shining above your head. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” 

*

Of course you had to be Zeus’ kid. Just your luck, a forbidden child, with some stupid prophetic destiny. 

If you ever met your father, you’d be sure to give him an earful about his part in your conception. 

Almost immediately after capture the flag, you were announced to the camp by Chiron, and then promptly herded into the empty cabin 1. 

And you never thought you’d say it, but you missed cabin 11. Sure, it was a mess, and the kids in there didn’t know how to shut up, but at least it had some semblance of life, unlike your new home. It was barren, and empty, and you hated it. 

It was even worse now that you had your own permanent bed. Before you’d had at least a pipedream of leaving camp and going off on your own again, but now that was entirely gone. Chiron would never let you out of his sight ever again, not now that you were a child of the ‘Big Three’. You were so screwed. 

You tossed and turned for hours in bed, unable to sleep in the unfamiliar environment, and, strangely, uncomfortable with the crushing loneliness you felt. 

You’d never felt lonely before. Your whole life, you’d been pretty much alone, but that was by choice. This time it was by force, and you felt isolated from everyone else at camp. Suddenly you regretted your refusal to make friends. 

So, your feet naturally carried you to the only person you could kind of call a friend, and you weren’t surprised when you landed outside Luke Castellan’s window. 

You gave it a light tap, and he opened his eyes, giving you a sad smile as he saw your face through the window. It looked like he hadn’t slept at all either. 

“Can I come in?” You mouthed through the window, and he quickly nodded, reaching up to open it and let you in. 

“Thanks,” You whispered, stepping down onto the hardwood floor. 

“No problem. Having trouble sleeping?” He asked, patting the spot beside him. You gladly sat down.

“Uh, yeah. It’s really empty there.” 

“Hm, sure is. You sure you didn’t just miss me too much?”

“Maybe I did Castellan.” You declared, shrugging your shoulders as if it were the most ordinary thing in the world to say.

 “I’m sorry though, Luke. I’ve been kind of an asshole ever since I got here.” You said, looking down at your muddy shoes. 

“Hey, I get it. It’s an adjustment, that’s for sure. I’ve dealt with worse from newcomers.” 

“Thanks. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, even if it doesn’t seem like it.” 

“Anytime.” 

You both fell silent for a moment, listening to the snores of the kids around you before he piped up again. 

“Hey, I don’t mind you staying here tonight if you want?” He said, his voice slightly awkward. You paid it no mind.

“I’d like that.” 

He moved to the other side of the bed as you removed your shoes, rolling onto the bed beside him. 

You were both silent again for a while, until Luke’s voice yet again came from beside you. 

“I’m gonna have to come up with a new name for you now, huh?”

“What, I’m not mysterious anymore?” You asked, feigning offence. 

“Not now that we’re best buddies. I’m thinking… Sparky!” 

“That is god awful.” 

“Exactly.” 

You snickered under your breath at his idiotic sense of humour, and allowed yourself to sink into the bed beside him. 

And for the first time, you didn’t want to leave.

#fanfic #luke castellan x reader #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #writing #pjo #luke castellan #fluff #x reader

[whumpninja]

*crashing in through the whump community’s skylight*

oh hey, what’s up? I’m Jack, I’ve been lurking in the shadows of the community for way too long and I’m now revealing my presence!

Name: it’s Jack, didn’t you just see it up there? I will also accept Jacques, Jack-Jack, Jackrabbit, Jackalope, Jack Sparrow, Jack Daniels or J-Money

Age: old enough to drink, not old enough to say “back in the good old days…” while I stare wistfully out the window (I could do that, but I’d just be reminiscing about when everyone wore their jeans around their knees)

Pronouns: he/him, they/them, hey/you, call me whatever you want as long as you don’t call me late for- nope, I’m not finishing that joke

About Me: why are you asking? who do you work for? WHO SENT YOU?! Just kidding. Here are some things I like doing- writing, thinking about whump, thinking about writing whump. Here are some things I like doing but am bad at- cooking things, climbing things without falling off of them, running without feeling like I’m going to die. Here are some things I don’t like doing- studying, going to the gym, watching romantic comedies, eating canned vegetables, getting my socks wet.

About Whump: love it. Love, love, love it. Whump is great. I like almost all flavors (but hold the nuts and butts and sexy bits.) My particular favorites- defiant whumpee, whump with magic/fantasy elements in it, whumpers who just suck, uh…whumpees in gladiator fights?? But…cage matches. Not bare-chested men in loincloths stabbing each other.

Here are some blogs about whump I really like: @smellofsnoww @weirdstrangeandawful @whumperofworlds @whumperfultime @redwingedwhump @painsandconfusion @newbornwhumperfly @pigeonwhumps @caspia-writes @spookyboywhump @oddsconvert and literally so many more, I have been lurking here for *a while* also I will probably make a blubbery post about why I like these blogs the next time I have a drink

About WIPs: I have a grand total of one. It currently exists as a complicated red-string-board of a Google Doc with way too many characters and at least three plotlines. It’ll probably still have too many characters and plotlines when I post it. It’s mainly about vampires and humans whumping each other into absolute oblivion, so if that’s your speed, stay tuned, sports fans.

Anyway, it’s me, finally coming out of the shadows to join the whump community in their mission to make fictional characters suffer! I have the power of God and whump on my side- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-

MASTERLISTS!

Here’s the masterlist for my vampire whump series The Angel of Death!

Here’s the masterlist for my specialized ask game series Ask Me About…!

#whump blog #whump blog intro #whump community #whumpblr #hello hello! #very excited to be here! #I mean I’ve *been* here #but aside from reblogging some shit here and there I haven’t been participating in the party #I’ve been that guy in the corner watching everyone like he’s choosing who to kill #but now I’m hitting the dance floor #I need to stop typing before this gets weird #weirder

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Learning About the Perks of Feminism

Photo from @fromjjwithlove blog

Summary: Y/N wants Soldier Boy badly. But she wants him on her terms. Can he handle her modern ways?

Warnings/Explicit 18+: Pretty much all smut. Some tiny bit of plot. Soldier Boy being a grumpy asshole, Unprotected PinV sex, pull-out method of BC used, coming on tits, oral, m/f receiving, face riding. Fluff if you squint.

Pairings: Soldier Boy x Y/N

Word Count: 2,620

A/N: So, I’ve decided to do all 30 of these writing prompts. I may miss a day here and there, but I’m going to try to do one a day, and I will be completing all 30 no matter what.  They won’t always be in order.  This fic will be for the prompt: Write about your MC nicknames. I took some liberty with this prompt, but they do talk about what he want's Y/N to call him.

I will be putting together a Masterlist for all 30 prompts and adding it to my main Masterlist.

A/N 2: This post is the inspiration for this fic. The amazing @deanswaywardgirl deserves so much credit for spurring on my horny brain with an amazing smutty scenario. And @candy-coated-misery0731 deserves all the credit for encouraging the writing of this fic. So, you owe any smutty happiness this fic brings you, to those two lovelies! 😄😄

Both beautiful text dividers, both below and at the bottom, were created by @firefly-graphics

"We'll be back in just a few hours, love."

Butcher patted Y/N on the shoulder and then whispered in her ear. "Try to watch him, make sure he doesn't go nuclear, but if he looks ready to do some damage, you get your sweet ass the fuck outta here, yeah?"

Soldier Boy pressed a button on the remote before speaking in the driest of tones.

"You know, my hearing is super too, you limey fuck." He leveled a look at Butcher and Billy straightened to his full height.

"Fine, I'll say it plain then. Hurt one hair on her head and Supe or not, deal or not, I'll rip your fuckin' heart out."

Y/N rolled her eyes. Since the moment the Boys took her on as part of the team, Butcher had tucked her under his wing like a mama bird. He refused to accept that she'd been surviving on the streets and working within the underground network of criminals since she was thirteen years old, and more than a dozen years on, she could certainly take care of herself.

She looked over at Soldier Boy and saw a spark of humor in his eyes as he looked up at Butcher, no doubt contemplating how quickly he could crush him if he wanted to, especially given that Butcher was currently V-free.

But he merely gave Butcher a smirk and went back to the TV, frowning at a commercial for men's exfoliating body scrub.

"Jesus fuck," he mumbled, "whatever happened to a fuckin bar of soap?"

Y/N turned back to Butcher and patted his arm. "I'll be fine. You guys be careful." When he still hesitated she stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. "Go on, Hughie's waiting."

He flushed slightly and left the room.

Y/N sat back down on the couch, and as Soldier Boy engrossed himself in the wide and varied choices offered by the modern television landscape, she took the opportunity to finally really look at him.

Hughie and Butcher had shown up at her motel room door a couple hours earlier with a nuclear superhero in tow.  Y/N had been surprised to say the least, but after her first glimpse of him, she’d been avoiding looking directly at the Supe for too long at once. It felt a little like looking into the sun. From what little she knew about Soldier Boy, he seemed like an old school asshole, but god damn the devil came in a beautiful package.

Hughie had run to a Walmart nearby and grabbed him clothes he thought would fit, a plain white tank top, grey sweats, and a short-sleeved, NY Giants jersey.

They were plain, simple, clothes, but on Soldier Boy they were the hottest things Y/N had ever seen.  The way the jersey pulled tight across his broad, powerful shoulders and wide, muscled chest, made Y/N feel like she might start drooling at any moment. Also, the way the round, open collar exposed the long column of his throat and his bold, defined clavicle bones, gave Y/N the desire to lick and bite at his tanned, lightly freckled skin.

The lightweight grey sweats were loose and baggy, and she was almost positive he wasn't wearing underwear. When he'd been walking around earlier, the thin material had clung to his round, plump ass like a second skin and there had been something that hung long and low in the front that made her mouth water, imagining just what it could be. Maybe it had simply been a trick of the light, but she seriously doubted that.

His body was powerful, radiating a kind of strength that was simply entrancing. But she still thought his face might be even more attractive. His hair was longish and soft, and had a tendency to fall into his eyes, which gave him a boyish air that suited his superhero name. His beard was trimmed close, soft-looking, making Y/N's fingers itch to touch it.

His eyes were usually a mossy green, but sometimes, depending on the light, they seemed to shine like emeralds. They were absolutely stunning and, Y/N felt as though it would be easy to be pulled in by them, and lose yourself.

If his eyes were angelic, his mouth was all sin. It screamed of carnal delights and promised hours of bliss. Staring at him now, she had no trouble imagining his mouth swollen and wet from licking and sucking pleasure into her skin. Her body tensed and her pussy clenched.

She was so lost in her imaginings that she jumped when Soldier Boy's deep voice pulled her back to reality. He continued to stare at the TV as he spoke.

"You know one of my other abilities is a super keen sense of my surroundings. Which means that I'm hyper aware when someone is watching me."

He finally turned to face her, pinning her down with his gaze. After a minute he gave her a smirk. "Like what you see, pretty thing?"

Y/N scoffed even as her stomach flipped. "Do lines like that usually work?"

For a second he looked like he was going to get mad, but then he just shrugged. "Yeah, they do.” He frowned. “Or they used to. Women have changed a lot from what I can tell.”

Y/N smiled. “Well, we’ve decided we like our independence. And we don’t like chauvinist assholes telling us what to do.”

Soldier Boy’s frown turned darker, and Y/N wondered if she was being incredibly stupid.

Deciding that fortune favored the bold, she got up and strode over to where he was sitting on the side of the bed, one leg stretched out in front of him, the other braced on the floor.

She quickly straddled his lap and relished the look of shock on his face. She ground her cunt down against the hard bulge that confirmed her suspicions of a huge dick and no underwear.

Soldier Boy groaned loudly and his breathing came fast and harsh. He clamped his hands hard on her hips, keeping her immobile.

"Jesus Christ! Are all women this horny and aggressive nowadays?"

Y/N shook her head. "No, not all of us. But like I said, we like our independence, and we go after what we want. And I definitely want you. In spite of the cheesy lines and the knowledge that you could crush me like a bug if you wanted to, I still want you.  We've only got a couple hours on our own and who knows when this chance will be in front of me again. So," she thrust her hands into his hair and pulled his head back slightly. "Like what you see, pretty thing?" She echoed back to him.

His eyes had become hooded with desire, as he looked deep into her eyes. "I don't know, I usually like to be in charge." He said, in a voice that made a shiver run through her as she imagined letting him take over. She suspected he would be very good at being in charge.

But her defiant streak was strong and she wanted to keep in control.

"Trust me baby, Feminism has given us lots of rights and freedoms we deserve, but it's also helped us," she grabbed his cock through his thin sweats, "express our sexual freedoms."

She squeezed him gently and he threw his head back with a groan. She took the opportunity to lick up the length of his throat, and then nibble at the hinge of his jaw.

She moved her mouth to his ear and whispered to him. "Tell me, what name do you want me to scream out when I come? Soldier Boy or Ben? Or would you prefer, "Ooh, fuck me Big Daddy!"

He yanked her back from his ear so he could look at her closely. He studied her a minute and Y/N let a mischievous smile curl her lips so he'd know she was having fun. He shook his head, still a little upended by her boldness.

But eventually, he smiled too. "Just Ben, baby."

He pulled her mouth down to his in a wild and searing kiss. Just as she suspected, that wicked mouth was pure sin masquerading as paradise. His tongue was hard as it thrust into her mouth. He swallowed down her moans and wordless pleas as he ravaged her, lips sucking and biting.

Wanting some of the power back, she bit into his succulent bottom lip, dragging a ragged moan from his throat. She pulled back from the kiss and shoved his open jersey off his shoulders, leaving him in only his tank top.

She ran her hands over the thick, round, curve of his shoulders, and then pushed his undershirt up so she had access to all the smooth, flat muscles of his torso.

She tugged at his shirt. "Take this off." She ordered.  Looking as though he was participating in an experiment he wasn't too sure about, he reluctantly followed her demand.

But as soon as the shirt was gone she began kissing her way down his body. She paused when she reached his nipples, twirling her finger around the left one and teasing the right one with the tip of her tongue.

"Uhn, fuck!" Ben growled, and Y/N looked up to see him with his eyes closed, biting into his bottom lip. The sight made her moan and purr against his skin.

Fuck he was hot.

She felt his cock growing harder against her stomach and she couldn't wait any longer to feel it on her tongue. Her kisses reached his waistband and she grabbed hold of it.

He lifted his hips automatically and Y/N gasped as his cock popped free and fell against his stomach. Settling herself between his legs, she licked all the way up the underside of his dick, before dragging her tongue across his slit, lapping up the pre-cum that had gathered there.

She hollowed her cheeks and sucked the sensitive head of his cock into her mouth. She bobbed slightly on the very top, sucking and flicking her tongue back and forth. Ben jerked his hips and sank one of his hands into her hair.

"Jesus! Yes, good girl.  Fuck your mouth is perfect!"

Y/N moaned at his praise, letting the vibrations travel down his dick as she sank all the way to the base. She relaxed her throat so that she could fit his whole cock into her mouth.  Ben gathered her hair into a ponytail in his hand. "Look at me, pretty one. I wanna see your face while you're stuffed full of my cock."

Y/N looked up at him, pulling off and letting the spit and cum dribble down her chin before she sank back down on him.  After another minute or so Ben pulled her off his cock with a deep moan. Quickly he ripped off her t-shirt and bra, yanking down her jeans and underwear and tossing them to the side of the bed.

Then with complete ease, he picked her up and spun her around, so that she was facing away from him.  He laid down flat beneath her and pushed her forward so that her ass was higher.  Then, spreading her pussy wide with his thumbs, he licked a stripe up through her folds with his wide, hot tongue and Y/N screamed out her pleasure.

He spoke against her dripping wet heat. "This way we can both get what we need. After all what kind of man would I be if I let you do all the heavy lifting?"

Before she could respond to that, his mouth sank into her cunt, and Y/N grabbed hold of his dick, bobbing up and down on it while she writhed and shook against his face.

His beard was soft, but as he fucked her thoroughly with his mouth, even the soft hair began to leave a pleasant burn behind on the inside of her thighs. She was grateful she'd have a souvenir from him.

As she neared her climax, Ben slipped his hands around her ribcage and lifted her from a reclining position to sitting one, positioning her to sit more fully on his jaw. He licked up into her, pushing his hard tongue past her entrance before undulating it against her incredibly sensitive skin.  He sucked her clit into his mouth and then nibbled on it, sending Y/N tumbling, shaking and moaning over the edge.

But he didn't stop there. He was perfectly capable of holding her in that position, over his mouth, for as long as he wanted, and he kept her there, drinking up every drop she gave him through two more orgasms.

Finally he turned her to face him, and sat her on his lower abdomen, her drenched pussy leaving a wet spot. She reached behind her to stroke his long, thick cock that was running along the crack of her ass.

"Fuck me, Ben, please fuck me."

He chuckled slightly as he moved his fingers to rub against her clit.

"This position is all you, beautiful. You started this, you finish it."

Y/N refused to back down from the challenge he was giving her even though her limbs were wobbly and tired. She climbed onto his cock and slowly slid down onto it. She rode him hard and fierce, taking energy from every one of his guttural curses.

He raised his hands to her tits, squeezing them and rolling her nipples between his fingers. Before letting them fall back into place so he could watch them bounce as she rode him.

As she began to wane, not sure how much longer she could keep up the pace, Ben rolled her onto her back and began to piston his hips into her, shaking the entire bed frame and smashing the headboard into the wall.

He pulled out abruptly. His voice was harsh and ragged. "I don't have a rubber, so where do you want me to come?" He asked.

"Come on my tits." She said breathlessly, reaching out to pump his cock that was covered with her slick.

Ben reached down and slid two thick fingers deep into her cunt, curling them just right so that she came almost immediately. Ben took over, pumping his cock fast and watching Y/N's face as she cried out, pleasure cascading across her features. Her beautiful face, lips swollen and still wet with his cum was just the image he needed to push him into the abyss.

Bucking into his hand, he shot ropes of cum across Y/N's tits, milking his cock, as he listened to the satisfied moans and sighs that were coming from her lips. He fell forward on top of her, too spent to care about the mess he was creating on both their bodies.

The two of them dozed off for the better part of half an hour before Ben woke up and immediately scooped Y/N up. Still half asleep in his arms, she let out a shout of surprise as he turned on the shower and stepped them both into the warm spray.

He cleaned them both up quickly and then again carried Y/N out of the bathroom.

She rolled her eyes. "You know, I have legs. I can just walk."

Ben looked down at her seriously. "But your muscles are tired. Mine aren't, even a little, so why wouldn't you let me carry you?"

Y/N shrugged. "Part of that whole modern, doing things for ourselves, independence thing I was mentioning earlier."

It was Ben's turn to roll his eyes, but he set her on the ground. "Well, I don't know if I'll ever understand the whole women's lib thing."

He grinned and nodded towards the messy bed.

"But it sure has its perks!"

1 - Jensen RPF + Any/All characters Jensen plays.

@lyarr24

@siospins2

@impalaslytherin

@maggiegirl17

@akshi8278

@candy-coated-misery0731

3 - Any/All Fics (regardless of fandom/character.)

@sunshineandwings86

@kazsrm67

@sexyvixen7

4 - Everything (includes fan vid/DOOL edits as well)

@unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men

@awkward-and-indecisive

@maliburenee

@supernatural4life2022

@spn730015

@b3autyfuldisast3r

@kickingitwithkirk

@waywardbaby

@foxyjwls007

@deanwanddamons

@deandreamernp

@deanwithscissors

@myloversgone

@snowlovespie

@leigh70

@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone

@fangirlxwritesx67

@charred-angelwings

@hopefuldreamers-world

@mysherlock221b

@jensensgotyoudean

@stixnstripesworld

@thoughts-and-funnies

@magssteenkamp

@norman1967

@princessmisery666

@eevvvaa

@mishkatelwarriorgoddess

@deepsketchsupernaturalcowboy

@b-i-t-c-h-i-e

@twirpbunwarrior

@mysweetlittledesire

@waynes-multiverse

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@bernasaurus

@jensenslady79

#30 days writing challenge #soldier boy x reader #soldier boy x y/n #soldier boy smut #the boys s3 #the boys s3 spoilers #soldier boy #ben #soldier boy fan fiction #the boys fan fiction

[waitmyturtles]

Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: Until We Meet Again Edition

[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. In a LONG POST, I’m writing today about New Siwaj’s incomparable drama, Until We Meet Again.]

TW: suicide, suicidal ideation, psychological trauma

Gah. I am so psyched to be finally sitting down to write my thoughts on Until We Meet Again, but I’m actually at a bit of a loss on where to start. There is SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

I think, where I can start, is to first say that this was, in my opinion, AN ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR SHOW. I did NOT expect this, at all. I’ve been around the way with New Siwaj, the UWMA screenwriter and director, a few times now for the OGMMTVC -- his writing on Love Sick, his work with Cheewin on Make It Right, and his work on MAME’s novel in Love By Chance have all been on the OGMMTVC list. I know that Between Us, the UMWA WinTeam continuation, was considered mostly a let-down for weak writing, and that New’s more recent shows, including A Boss and a Babe and Double Savage, were viewed quite critically (although I am a Double Savage apologist, for which I’ll explain my viewpoints later in this post). 

So. What I did not expect from 2019′s UWMA was to experience so many layers in a drama à la the work of Aof Noppharnach. Yes, I cannot believe I’m going here, to compare a New Siwaj drama to Aof’s oeuvre, but damn if I will, because good lord, New took his magic hat of tricks, pulled out THE GOOD STUFF, and made it all work. 

This is a list of themes that I saw in UWMA, that will help me structure this long write-up, but by no means should it be considered complete, as I’m sure I’m missing themes that you all likely caught in your watches and re-watches:

1) A new narrative structure for New -- balancing the impact of side couples by leveraging focus, equally, on two MAIN couples 2) The continuation and end of the 2019 trend of reincarnation and spiritual connections to love 3) Intergenerational queer trauma (micro-level) 4) Generational acceptance of queerness (macro-level) 5) Food and its Proustian effect on memory 6) Reflections on filial piety and the devastating effects of expectations -- and how children and parents seek redemption, particularly in New’s work

And before I even dive into THIS list, can I just say: MY GOD, FLUKE AND OHM. And Earth and Kao! But FLUKE AND OHM. Jesus, does New have an eye for talent -- from the Make It Right guys, to Perth and Saint, and then to Fluke and Ohm. I was seriously TAKEN with their chemistry. I did hear from a number of folks during my UWMA live-blogging that they can’t rewatch UWMA because of Fluke/Pharm’s rendition of the blushing maiden trope, but for my tastes -- I think the way he rendered the trope was really necessary to communicating Intouch’s story, history, and emotions, and just -- Fluke just ATE this role, my gawd. And Ohm/Dean responding in kind vis à vis Korn’s regret. YOW. It’s been a few days since I finished the show, in a total RUSH of drama hunger, and I’m still shaking my head and MARVELING at their performance.

Okay, back to the themes list. So, early in my Thai BL journey in the fall of 2022, after I had watched KinnPorsche and The Eclipse as my first two Thai BLs, I watched A Tale of Thousand Stars (way before the OGMMTVC was born), and noted that I appreciated the lack of side couples in the ATOTS storyline. I now realize, through the OGMMTVC, that side couples are both a BL trope and a byproduct of the drama styles from which BLs were born, the ensemble-based dramas like Love Sick, Senior Secret Love, and Kiss/Kiss Me Again.

New’s Make It Right -- while beloved in my heart, for the chaotic duos of TeeFuse and FrameBook -- WAS messy, with all the other couple stuff happening around it. That, along with Love By Chance, made me wonder -- why do BLs that center fabulous dyads with sizzling chemistry take away from that energy with all the side couple action? Even Together With Me, a non-New Siwaj and non-GMMTV drama, got sidelined in part with a VERY questionable side couple plot in BrightFarm.

Reflecting back on KP and The Eclipse, I had that question in mind as I started UWMA, and wondered where the Alex and WinTeam storylines were going to go. But, frankly, I ended up appreciating what NEEDED to happen with DeanPharm and KornIntouch, because -- the original novel storyline clearly demanded that these two couples, who were NOT side couples, but MAIN couples, needed a MAIN spotlight for their collective story to be told. @clairificusrex mentioned in a liveblog comment (THANK YOU, LOVELY HUMAN!) that New Siwaj benefitted in the screenplay from having a wonderful original novel to work with, and while I don’t read Y Series canon, I can only imagine that this was indeed the case.

So, New, in order to hew to the novel, had to perhaps hold back his usual instincts to muss up the main couple vibe, by centering DeanPharm and KornIntouch. With that control necessary to the story -- I think the narrative STRUCTURE of the drama just blew open. It was FASCINATING, it drew me in, and the structure allowed for another New predilection to be leveraged WELL, in his love for flashbacks. @lurkingshan, you mentioned that your taste wasn’t necessarily aligned with New’s fancy for flashbacks, which I totally understand -- I think flashbacks hurt the overall narrative structure of Double Savage earlier this year. But I think, here for UMWA, they were necessary, and I might very well be apologetic to that considering what I DID see in Double Savage by way of the story that New ended up screenwriting over there in regards to intergenerational family trauma (again, more on this later in the post).

This narrative structure lent itself handily to the next four themes on this list, all of which deal in memory, in spiritual roots, and/or in the generational passage and inheritance of trauma and emotion. 2019, as we know now, was a big year for shows themed around Thai spiritual culture and/or reincarnation. We have He’s Coming To Me, we have Dew the Movie -- we have art here, queer-centered art, that does not lend itself to happy endings, that depicts, through reincarnation or, in the case of HCTM, a ghostly purgatory, how DIFFICULT it had been to be comfortably queer and/or openly out in past and present Thailand.

And then UWMA comes along, telling TWO generational stories, intertwined by the red thread, but also, in the words of the WONDERFUL @bengiyo, connected by Korn and Intouch’s intergenerational queer trauma, the most PERFECT coinage of a theme for this show. In 1988, when Korn and Intouch die, they cannot be out. They cannot even be SECRETLY in love. Their bad dads use the foulest of language to describe their love (much like Phop’s dad in Dew). And Korn kills himself, and Intouch follows.

And what we learn, through Dean and Pharm, are the emotions, the regrets, the LEARNED BEHAVIOR that Korn and Intouch have picked up on in the afterlife, embedded in Dean and Pharm, that keeps Korn and Intouch’s love alive, with CORRECTIONS and ADJUSTMENTS made by Dean and Pharm that reflect on how not only Korn and Intouch’s love has changed and improved, but also how Dean and Pharm are learning how to love EACH OTHER, themselves, as they adjust to their OWN belonging to each other, in Pharm’s own words. GAH -- my aching heart. (Thank you to @lurkingshan for talking this through with me early on in my UWMA watch.)

I mean. THE DEPTH OF THIS. Intouch is a terrible cook, and Pharm is like, a restaurant-level chef?! Pharm is so resistant, and Dean is so FORWARD? (OHM THITIWAT, GAH!!!) (Listen. Pharm. P’Deeeean can grab MY butt, okay?) (See what I did there, @lurkingshan and @bengiyo? THANK YOOOOUU.)

And Pharm’s blushing maiden approach. Yes, I will also admit, that sometimes, it was a little cringey. But I think the blushing maiden trope was really necessary to the story -- ESPECIALLY IN THE CONTEXT of Intouch’s anger, ciphered through Pharm in the last episode. And I think that Fluke Natouch ultimately rendered the trope beautifully -- again, especially against the gorgeous ending of the show. Oh, THAT CONDO SCENE, PEOPLE. I LOST IT. 

Of course, Intouch would want to hold back through Pharm in the present day. If Intouch DIDN’T hold back vis à vis Pharm -- he might lose Korn again, if Pharm missteps with Dean. Intouch may have felt that HIS forwardness lent to their troubles -- so Intouch holds back, through Pharm. And Intouch ultimately communicates his love for Korn differently in the afterlife, more hesitantly -- through a resistance to intimacy, and through food and cooking in Pharm, which itself was another amazing move in this show.

Listen. Even my pinned post says what I value in dramas, not just in BLs. You give me food in BL, and I give you my heart. But also, let’s talk about the meaning of food in Asian dramas for a second. It’s no coincidence that MANY Asian dramas and doramas center food, including my favorite BL of all time, Kinou Nani Tabeta/What Did You Eat Yesterday?. If you don’t know Asians, of any ilk -- let me make a BROAD continental and sub-continental judgement. ALL WE THINK ABOUT IS FOOD, lol. While I’m with my family, while I’m working, while I’m writing meta -- I’m thinking about food, I’m thinking about what I want to cook, what I want to order, how I can mix the cuisines I love (Thai-Indian curries, anyone? YUM). Malaysians literally boast about having multiple meals, way past three meals, a day. We Asians are proud of our cuisines, and we want y’all to be EATING, A LOT, and to try all our dishes. (ITSAY, your Hokkien mee is calling me...) 

But, also: FOOD MEANS FAMILY. Let me say it again: FOOD MEANS FAMILY. You FEED the people you LOVE, with delicious food. Shiro and Kenji. Kurosawa and Adachi. The guys in Jack o’Frost. The guys in The Eighth Sense. Omg, even Kinn and Porsche. We’re seeing it in Tokyo In April Is... And Pharm, to Dean, Intouch to Korn.

And BESIDES Intouch/Pharm becoming a great cook, GOD, the story ALSO INCLUDED the Proustian reference of the madeleine and involuntary memory -- but in SUCH a stunning way, as to RECALL DEAN’S FAMILIAL MEMORY of eating his grandmother’s Thai desserts -- his grandmother, Intouch’s sister, and how Dean could get an indirect spotlight into Intouch and a depth of an understanding of Intouch’s happiness besides his love for Korn. And how Pharm EMBODIED that love for Thai desserts through Intouch’s family lineage. Oh, just get me MESSY, PEOPLE. FUCKING GENIUS SHIT. 

Memory on memory on memory. Dream on dream, nightmare on nightmare, tears and red threads, inherited trauma, intergenerational trauma. The micro-level of what Dean and Pharm had to live with on a daily basis in their recollections of Korn and Intouch. The macro-level of what Pharm and Dean experienced when all of their parents accepted them for who they were as queer individuals, and their partners, as well. How Dean’s dad could ACTUALLY RELATE to Dean himself, because Dean’s dad had been rejected by Dean’s mother’s family. And how that ALLOWED Dean’s dad to accept Dean and his choice to be with Pharm. How that trauma was relieved, how Dean and Pharm DID NOT HAVE TO PHYSICALLY RELIVE what Korn and Intouch had gone through, and how those involuntary memories that Dean and Pharm carried vis à vis Korn and Intouch traumatized them until Dean and Pharm could RECEIVE their OWN familial acceptance.

The LAYERS OF THIS SHOW. Before I get to the last theme on my list, I really just need to metaphorically slam my palms on an allegorical table and give New Siwaj a huge hug, because THIS SHIT IS NOT EASY TO PROCESS ALL AT ONCE, and I can’t wait to do a UWMA rewatch to try to catch more (and I’ll likely need to write another meta, ha, when I do that). I mean, again, just to use food as an example of a kind of storytelling TOOL to INDICATE memory, especially in the context of lost and found love, of intergenerational trauma and relieving regret -- BRILLIANT. BRILLIANT.

And. The last theme on the list, the theme of filial piety, of Asian family systems and devotion and loyalty and expectations, and the devastating effects on the micro-individual level (and even the macro-social level as well) that those expectations can have. 

So, I watched Double Savage, screenwritten by New Siwaj, out of order from UWMA. Very quickly, since many of you have likely NOT watched Double Savage because it’s not a BL (but it DID have Ohm Pawat and Perth Tanapon in a hose-off scene -- you can’t take the New Siwaj out of New Siwaj, amirite): Double Savage is about Korn (Ohm P.), a middle son who is branded a jinx by a HORRENDOUS Thai-Chinese father, and how the abuse leveled on Korn by his dad has intergenerational ripple effects across their family and community. 

Let’s break this down. I now know that New Siwaj does bad dads from Thai-Chinese lineage very well. UWMA’s Korn is expected to take over a mafia business. His dad is disapproving that Korn doesn’t want to take over the business -- which is an UNQUESTIONABLE and EMBEDDED expectation in most Asian family lineages (hello, Jeng and Step By Step) -- AND Korn’s dad is ALSO disapproving in Korn’s love for Intouch and vice versa. Separately, Intouch’s dad is disapproving that Intouch is in love with Korn, a mafia scion. 

Modern times are modern for a reason. 1988 was 31 years from 2019. I want to emphasize here the understanding that Korn and Intouch likely had -- that besides running away, there was no other existence for them to be together than to kill themselves and be together in the afterlife. And running away, and still living and existing, would have been a guilt-ridden and dangerous existence, for what Asian children are expected to do and live for vis à vis their parents. Korn likely HAD NO OTHER IMAGINATION for a life that he could live OTHER THAN to take over his father’s business and to be a heteronormative adult in the late 1980s. And, to top that all off, both of their dads were fucking assholes. 

I really liked how this was juxtaposed to the relationship between Dean and his father. Dean was clearly set up to be as stubborn as his dad. Meaning, at least to me -- that Dean was FAR less likely to be told what to do by his dad, that Dean would and maybe COULD, stand up to his dad. We didn’t see it happen, but I could have imagined Dean not accepting “no” for an answer from his dad to accept Pharm. (Makes you think about Pat, Pran, and Ming, no?) Dean had Korn in him. Dean/Korn was NOT GOING TO TAKE THAT SHIT AGAIN, and that was CLEAR. I want to emphasize: THAT’S BIG. That was BIG on New Siwaj and the UWMA novel writer to include that in the story. That’s parental defiance. That needed to happen in order for Dean and Pharm to survive. As an Asian, that gives me a kick of welcome energy.

But I also really want to note what New Siwaj did at the end of the show, something so deft, it might have left non-Asian viewers wondering what was going on. In the condo scene, Dean and Pharm are ciphering Korn and Intouch -- and when Korn’s father shows up in the wheelchair, Korn’s father knows what’s happening.

And Korn apologizes to his dad. Korn had already apologized to Intouch, but Korn also apologizes to his dad, and to his brother, and to his nephew in Sin. This really gets me, y’all, I understand this as an Asian. Korn is APOLOGIZING for the PAIN he caused in his family AND in Intouch, because -- filial piety. He knows what he did to himself was devastating to the Asian family system he was born into, to the Asian society he was born into, and he apologized for the suicide he committed unto himself that caused that extra-social pain. 

Like. As crazy as that sounds, it’s also an INCREDIBLY SOPHISTICATED way to ACKNOWLEDGE that Korn had broached a social boundary, and Intouch had followed him. THAT IS A HELL OF A LAYER TO ADD TO THIS STORY, ONE THAT I DID NOT EXPECT, and that SHOOK ME at the end of this series.

A similar situation happened in Double Savage. Despite the horrendous psychological abuse that Double Savage’s Korn received from his father -- an adult Korn ends up apologizing to his father for the trouble that HE may have caused. Now, what I appreciated about Double Savage was that THAT dad was like -- no, no, *I* should be the one apologizing. BUT, I want to indicate and emphasize here, that BOTH storylines acknowledge that Asian children NEED to know, SHOULD know, ARE BORN TO KNOW, that their actions have collective effects on a wider family system. We are born to understand and think like that. We are not dealing with an individualist Western perspective here. (I literally FLIPPED when I realized that New Siwaj has had MULTIPLE CHARACTERS NAMED KORN APOLOGIZING TO BAD DADS, and I’m an Asian over here UNDERSTANDING WHY, and I’m just like, pfffftt GGGAAAHHHH.)

Why am I harping on this? BECAUSE: vis à vis EVERYTHING ELSE that is lineage-based in this story -- from children being born, to intergenerational trauma, to reincarnation -- UWMA is structured around an über-macro theme of worlds being linked, by threads, by genes, by history, by spirit, by trauma. We are collectively linked. Babies are born -- we saw many babies in this show. Children belong to families. Lovers belong to lovers. Dean PHYSICALLY belongs to Intouch’s family, and Pharm to Korn’s family. A happy existence will be when a family accepts a child’s partner. Happiness is in a family growing, not a family shrinking. Warmth and growth and love happens when a happy family sits at a table and eats together. 

As Pharm says at the end of the show -- oh, my HEART -- “I belong to Dean.” Yes, you do -- because you have become Dean’s family, and Dean has become Pharm’s family. Korn’s family BELONGS to Intouch’s family, and vice versa. They are destined, MEANT to be linked together, AND TO BE FAMILY, ALL TOGETHER.

Kurosawa and Adachi become family in the Cherry Magic movie. WDYEY’s Shiro and Kenji become family by way of living and eating together. Even if BBS’s Ming doesn’t acknowledge Pran -- Pran is Ming’s family. LOVE. MAKES. FAMILY.

What Korn apologized for was the impact his decision had on his family — WHILE HE WAS IN LOVE WITH INTOUCH, WHO KORN’S FAMILY WAS NOT ALLOWING KORN TO MAKE AS KORN’S NEW FAMILY in the 1980s. Korn was able to apologize in the afterlife — BECAUSE Dean and Pharm DID WHAT HE AND INTOUCH COULD NOT DO, by way of generations, by way of family acceptance, by way of inherited trauma and STOPPING that inherited trauma in its tracks -- very much like Pat and Pran banding together and doing the same for themselves. Dean and Pharm did the hard work of making the relationship a real one, in every aspect of their intimate, micro-level family lives, to a public, external existence in the world. Korn could FINALLY experience the release of GUILT he had towards Intouch and towards Korn’s family, now that Korn’s love for Intouch could FINALLY flourish outside the constraints of filial piety through Dean. THIS IS HUGE. I have no words to tell you what the BRILLIANCE of this means to me as an Asian. LOVE MAKES FAMILY, and LOVE THAT IS ALLOWED TO FLOURISH GIVES YOU THE RELEASE TO BE YOUR TRUE SELF. 

Dean had learned from the inherited trauma that he got from Korn that he needed to stop the trauma train in his tracks, and he did, and he confronted his father, and his father blessed the union of Dean and Pharm. When Dean took the gun away from Pharm, and embraced Pharm, Korn and Intouch KNEW that they could finally be safe in the afterlife. Dean and Pharm were the ciphers that finally ALLOWED Korn and Intouch to exist happily together in spirit. Korn, especially, could exist freely, now that he was relieved of his guilt. Dean and Pharm were, LITERALLY, Korn and Intouch’s FAMILY -- the FAMILY that ALLOWED the FINAL RELEASE for Korn and Intouch to be together as their true selves and spirits. 

And Dean and Pharm confirmed that in FRONT of the family member, in Korn’s father, that had originally caused all this pain. The intricate layers, communicated to a primarily Asian audience, of Korn apologizing to his father, and then of Dean embracing Pharm and confirming their love AND Korn and Intouch’s love, in front of that former barrier -- that is GROWTH and FLOURISHING in the face of generational defiance, and about as sophisticated and eloquent a communication of familial transcendence as I could possibly imagine seeing in Asian drama art. WHOA. I’m a little out of breath with this.

Wow. And speaking of being one’s true self: I deeply loved that Dean and Pharm took a three-month break. I loved that Pharm was smart and strong enough to demand a break to understand if DEAN and PHARM -- INDEPENDENT of ANYTHING they had INHERITED from ANYONE -- actually loved each other and belonged together. Fuck. Pharm was like, no -- this one’s on me. I need to see, outside of ANY INFLUENCES, FROM ANYONE, ANYWHERE -- if I love Dean, if Dean loves me, and if we belong together. Brave. Badass.

AND, I truly loved how Korn and Intouch -- DEAN AND PHARM’S FAMILY -- came BACK to Dean and Pharm’s dreams to offer thanks. I loved how, in the end, the past and his family came back to give Pharm that little contextual nudge to say to Pharm, it’s okay to love Dean for Dean, AND to love how you two came together, through Korn and Intouch. And Pharm could acknowledge, finally, that he belonged to Dean. God damn.

This story was so multilayered, SO complex, SO filled with a respect for love at its highest and most complicated levels. This story was filled with CRITICAL SCRUTINY towards Asian family systems and the trauma that those systems can render. This story was filled with an acknowledgement for the power of LOVE that those same family systems can offer unto children who NEED pillars of love and support (Pharm’s mom and brother, badasses!). 

Y’ALL. I just, I DID NOT KNOW that New Siwaj could DO THIS! I know that UWMA is considered his best show, but like, this is his best show BY A LOT, A LOT. Double Savage, in contrast, had a lot of narrative and structural issues that detracted from the core stories of filial piety that were ultimately very important to tell. 

UWMA did not fall into that trap. It was SMART, it MOVED (FOR SEVENTEEN EPISODES! I SLAMMED THIS SERIES! I could have watched MORE, I cannot believe I’m SAYING THAT!), it was. It was just BRILLIANT. It was an ode to romantic love, to family love, to the power of memory. In 2019, it joined He’s Coming To Me in a burgeoning echelon of cinema-influenced BLs in storytelling, soon to be joined by I Told Sunset About You, ATOTS, and others. It took the sad endings of He’s Coming To Me and Dew the Movie and said -- not today. Today, we will let love LIVE, let QUEER LOVE live, in REAL LIFE, in REAL TIME, and we will not let our lovers live in regret. We will take queer love, we will give queer love FAMILY, and we will give it the HONOR IT DESERVES.

Until We Meet Again is a must-watch of the highest order, and goes on the shortlist of shows that I will refer to as one that makes me proud to be an Asian. It was easily one of the most important shows I’ve watched in this project. All credit to New, Fluke, Ohm, Earth, and Kao for a PHENOMENAL experience -- my heart and mind have been bettered because of this show. 

[FLUKE. AND. OHM. Fluke and Singto coming thru in Shadow the Series? Sign me the FUCK up. Actors on actors. WOW. Did UWMA ever introduce me to another crop of dudes who can fucking tear up a screen. I had SO much fun watching UWMA, whew!

And, yep. I had to follow this up with 2gether, ha. I’m going to spare myself a little pain, if y’all don’t mind, and combine my write-up of 2gether with Still 2gether. I know there’s a lot to be said about the lack of intimacy in 2G, which I can’t wait to dive into, but I can’t help but to also run into another wall of analysis with dear P’Aof’s work in S2G. I’ll make it all work!

After I get myself together with 2gether (HA) -- it’s ITSAY time. I will be planning on watching ITSAY TWICE before writing, as I’m preparing myself to catch EVERYTHING I can before I pen words. Stay tuned.

Status of the list below. As always -- if you have feedback, send it my way!

1) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here) 2) Make It Right (2016) (review here) 3) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here) 4) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here) 5) Together With Me (2017) (review here) 6) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here) 7) Love By Chance (2018) (review here) 8) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review) 9) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here) 10) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here) 11) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here) 12) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (I’m watching this out of order just to get familiar with OffGun before Theory of Love -- will likely not review) 13) Theory of Love (2019) (review here) 14) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (not a BL or an official part of the OGMMTVC watchlist, but an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content in non-BLs) (review here) 15) Dew the Movie (2019) (review here) 16) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020)  17) 2gether (2020) and Still 2gether (2020) (watching) 18) I Told Sunset About You (2020) 19) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) 20) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (not a true BL, but a MaxTul queer/gay romance set within a genre-based show that likely influenced Not Me and KinnPorsche) 21) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here) 22) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS 23) Lovely Writer (2021) 24) Last Twilight in Phuket (2021) (the mini-special before IPYTM) 25) I Promised You the Moon (2021) 26) Not Me (2021-2022) 27) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here) 28) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch 29) Secret Crush On You (2022) [watching for Cheewin’s trajectory of studying queer joy from Make It Right (high school), to SCOY (college), to Bed Friend (working adults)] 30) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here) 31) KinnPorsche (2022) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake of Re-Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist 32) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here) 33) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL) 34) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023) 35) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here) 36) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) (Cheewin’s latest show, depicting a queer joy journey among working adults)]

#until we meet again #until we meet again meta #uwma #uwma meta #ohm thitiwat #fluke natouch #deanpharm #dean x pharm #pharm x dean #kornintouch #korn x intouch #intouch x korn #earthkao #kao noppakao #earth katsamonnat #ohmfluke #new siwaj #double savage #double savage meta #ohm pawat #perth tanapon #ohmperth #turtles catches up with old gmmtv #turtles catches up with thai BLs #turtles catches up with the essential BLs #the old gmmtv challenge #ogmmtvc #asian family systems #asian family dynamics #intergenerational trauma

[jenniferdiazisatransgirl]

I think I’m straight!

Hey,

So mental health is still kinda shit but I want to make this post. It does feel kinda cringy to come out as straight, but at the same time it has taken me a long time to figure out and like I think I finally have figured it out.

For those who’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll know I’m a trans woman and when it comes to my sexuality I’ve never really had it down. I have had times where I thought I did, but it changes a lot.

For the past few years I have identified as demisexual and I think that comes down to the fact I’ve imagined I can have a relationship with a woman, but there would need to be a strong emotional bond for something more. But when I think about the potential of dating a guy, that need for a strong emotional bond doesn’t seem to be there.

Not sure if that really makes sense, but I guess if and when I imagine being with a woman in a relationship. My brain has to do a lot of extra steps and gymnastics to be like, “Yeah, that feels like it would be right.” Whereas if I imagine being with a man in a relationship, my brain is instantly like, “Yeah, I can see that happening.”

Like feels weird to say, “I don’t need a strong emotional bond with a guy”. Cos that kinda isn’t true in many respects. Like I need to be in a relationship with someone I trust and who I share interests with, etc. But of course, as we all know attraction doesn’t necessarily play by the rules of what would be ideal in a partner. You can find someone initially attractive and then their personality puts you off. And God, does that happen a lot. My one date with a dude and straight dude at that, he confessed that he’d love to meet a WWII NAZI in real life and I’m just like sat at the table in the coffee shop terrified going, “Riiiiight! Make no sudden moves. Just get through this and then never talk to this guy again.” Wasn’t the only red flag with that dude. He seemed to be one of those people who wanted to hear people out just because and it is like, “You don’t need to know the reasoning of what a NAZI is doing to know what they did is awful.”

Sorry, bit of a tangent there.

I have found this difficult to come to terms with though. Like when I was younger and I first remember experiencing any attraction it was to women. Like at 10 years old, I figured out I should be a woman but I also started experiencing attraction to women at the same time.

Someone pointed out yesterday though, that my attraction to women could have likely been envy. And I guess when I look back on it, that was very likely true. I think the huge issue I had between 10 to 16, is testosterone can really muddy the waters on attraction. Especially when you are trying desperately to understand yourself. And like I get confusion in your teen years especially is part of life, but I think testosterone and being a guy when that felt really wrong just caused the wrong kinds of confusion. Like I at least knew since 10 that transition was possible. I didn’t know what it entailed but I knew one day I could be a woman if that was how I really felt. Sadly that did not mean I had an accepting Mum, just that I had one who was honest when I curiously asked, “Mum, can people change sex?” in my clunky 10 year old vocabulary. I asked her that on the bus to my Grandma’s 😂 She said, “Yes.” Probably putting it down to childhood curiosity. I guess it took away some of the confusion. Like at 10 I figured out I should be a girl and I could at least latch onto that, not thinking it was totally impossible. But then there was still envy for my female classmates which my testosterone fuelled brain at the time clearly mistook for attraction.

And when it came to figuring out I like guys, my attraction was dampened for other reasons. Without going into details, events that took place during my childhood made me extremely fearful of men. I remember in primary (elementary) school, having a male supply (substitute) teacher and being utterly terrified of him. And like for a few years, social services was involved in my life, they used to pick me up from school every week. It was usually a woman who came to pick me up, but one week two men came to pick me up. I seriously was terrified as hell and I had it in my head these guys were kidnapping me. When I got to the centre I think I ended up telling my social worker how scared it made me being picked up by two men. Plus I spent a lot of my school years being called “gay” and bullied for being perceived as such. Like any desire to explore my attraction to men was dampened by fear and while weird to say, given the topic of this is me coming out as straight, internalised homophobia.

I mean while from 10 I knew I was a girl, from the outside I was a guy and exploring being a guy who likes guys was not something I wanted to explore. Being perceived as gay never really sat right with me though. Like I readily admit there was some internalised homophobia there, but I also despise misinformation about myself. Like, all I could think is “I’m not gay. I like women.” And I knew my classmates meant gay as in I was a guy who likes guys. And let’s imagine the fact, that they were half correct, I do like guys. I was not a guy who likes guys, I’m a girl who likes guys. But of course, without coming out, exploring my sexuality in any meaningful way at school would have given the wrong impression about me. It would have just backed up that idea I’m gay. Which not bad in anyway, but I didn’t want to be viewed as gay.

And look, I can safely say that was my brain hating misinformation. I kinda got outed at school, but the news didn’t reach everyone. I came out to one guy and he told enough people that by the next day most people at school knew. The news missed a few girls I hung out with though. I was dating a bisexual girl at the time and the reasoning they had assumed for me dating that girl was basically, “You’re a typical guy. Dating a bi girl for a threesome.”

Like I hated that so much and with already so many people in the school knowing I was trans anyway. I was just like, “Okay. Let’s stop this rumour before it even starts. The reason I’m dating a bi girl is cos I’m a girl.”

And that is likely another reason I didn’t explore my sexuality much at that age. When I finally came out as trans in school, I was in a relationship and one that lasted nearly the remainder of my time at school. Also super weird note, but you know that thing where it is said you are more attractive when in a relationship? Despite being outed to the entire school as trans, so many girls were interested in me and clearly expressed it during that time. There was one lass I had to watch out for in the corridors as she’d side swipe me with hugs from a run that made me nearly fall over. That was an interesting time.

If any guys expressed interest for me during that time though, I think it was safe to say I was oblivious to it. I did dance with a guy at my prom, but I feel safe in saying that was platonic. The song was “Mr Brightside” by The Killers though and it is still a memory I look back on fondly. Weirdly enough, the dance was with the guy who outed me. I think I’ve said before, he was hard to stay mad at during the time, as being outed actually caused a lot of bullying to stop for me. It was like my being trans took away a lot of the power my bullies had over me and then I had a girlfriend so calling me gay was a lil weak.

I do remember one of my bullies approaching me one day though and just going, “So all these years we were calling you gay. You’re a lesbian, so we were technically correct.” I think my response was something along the lines of, “Technically, yes.” And thinking internally, how he’d made me miserable along with the rest of my bullies so it was kinda beside the point.

I think I’m just rambling now though. Main take away was my head was filled with a lot of confusion and at times still is. I do think I finally have enough clarity on it all to say I’m straight though.

Enjoy my post!

#my life #trans woman #transgender #miscellaneous

[anti-katsuki-lounge]

Decided to type a Q&A for any questions Katsuki and BkDk Stans might try coming at me with. Instead of constantly repeating myself, I thought I’d save myself the hassle and just link this each time they try to come at me. Easier this way and they’re one trick ponies anyways so this should cover things. If any other person who doesn’t like Katsuki wants to use this for whenever a stan tries bothering them, be my guest. This also applies to my other blog, which you can find here:

Q: Have you read the manga? Are you still stuck on chapter one?

A: Yes. Numerous times. I’ve analyzed it, went back to stuff to re-analyze it, and have come to the conclusions I have. There are a lot of issues regarding his character that Katsuki stans never address, only pointing to the same one or two instances where he supposedly shows development. Him suicide baiting Izuku wasn’t when I began to hate him since I thought that was to set up his growth. The battle trial was when I started hating him when he got a slap on the wrist after nearly killing someone. Hori’s BakuBoner would then shield him from consequences throughout the rest of the series. Also, people are allowed to dislike a character for whatever reason they want. If they hate Katsuki for suicide baiting, that’s perfectly fine and you can’t say otherwise.

Q: Why focus your time on something that you hate? You must be pretty obsessed with Katsuki if you literally made a blog about him.

A: It’s called venting, something people are free to do. Katsuki ruins an otherwise enjoyable series to me and represents how NOT to make a character so I’m going to talk about it. Tumblr’s whole thing is “express yourself” and that’s what I’m doing. I’m not hurting anyone by doing so. Also, I have a life outside of this blog. I disappear for nearly a week sometimes. I’m only on when I have nothing else to do and want to kill time. Finally, if people are allowed to make blogs focusing on their obsession of a fictional character, people can make a blog to criticize said character and if you think otherwise you’re a hypocrite. Especially when the former evolves into the likes of Dekkachan (a 27 year old hivemind leader that bullies other people for not liking BkDk and will even target other BkDks who don’t agree with her) while my blog just occupies the anti Katsuki and MHA critical tags.

Q: Why are you still watching MHA when all you’re doing is criticizing it?

A: Criticism is how one learns how to write and get better. By analyzing a series, you learn what to do and what not to do. Now, there’s a difference between empty criticism/flaming and constructive criticism, but I’m doing the latter as I often explain what works and doesn’t work. Plus, you’re allowed to criticize something you otherwise enjoy.

Q: Are you against Katsuki fans?

A: Nope. I’m fine with fans but not stans. To summarize the differences, fans are people who like something while also accepting that someone might not like what they do. Stans can’t accept opinions, will harass/bully/suicide bait, and do other things when faced with someone who has a different opinion. I have nothing against fans. They do their thing and I do mine. I hate Katsuki and BkDk, but I’m not going to rag on someone if they like it. Stans are the ones I make fun of here.

#anti katsuki bakugou #anti bakugo katsuki #anti bakugo #anti bakugou #mha critical

[lupi-usque-ad-finem]

I stumbled on your blog.. and it’s comforting? I’ve been otherkin for a long time back in like- gods years now and truthfully heavy discourse about me being otherkin back then made me feel disconnected- and only recently I’ve more or less rediscovered & reconnected to it.. but I’ve finally discovered I’m wolfkin? I always displayed traits and habits of a wolf, always making dens and sleeping in dark places, enjoying nature and I think my favorite is chewing meat off a bone and always howling! There’s more but that’s just the small gist of it-

But honestly I don’t know why I felt so awkward.. because it just cropped up? I’ve been suppressing it more than I should and maybe it was just past trauma and shame- I’ve been afraid to admit what I really am..? My own mate reassures me that I’ve always been like this but.. It’s not that I don’t believe him I guess.. it’s just the embarrassment and trauma of people finding out what and who I really am that I’m afraid I’ll get backed into a corner that I’ll need to bite and fight my way out again.

I think- I’m just looking for some form of advice on how to feel comfortable in my own pelt again? What I can do to just feel like me again.. it’s been uncomfortable hiding what and who I truly am..

For one I’m so thankful my blog can give you comfort, it’s why I made it in the first place :’) and two, I completely understand. this part of yourself can both be empowering yet startling, especially if you were shamed or bullied for it. I also subconsciously kept my therianthropy hidden from myself for about two years, but it was always there. As I grew I figured I had two options of what to do about it:

1. ignore it, step back, walk away—but then you’d just be back where you started. nothing would change. you wouldn’t change, and that shameful fear would grow.

OOOORRR and the much better option:

2. spend time with yourself, by yourself, and your identity(s). learn the words and recognise the experiences of who and what you are, for what you feel has always been there for you, regardless if you knew it or not. fear is not what rules you. wolves are not ruled by fear.

You’ve also been backed into a corner like I was for so long. For me, it was my schooling administration that failed me. I was bullied relentlessly for 12 years, and the shame was palpable. If you’re in the thick of it, let me be the one to assure you that the harshness of your peers is not what the world is like. The people in this world can be cruel, but the world itself can show you the love you never had. As it appears to me you have a support system in your mate (congratulations btw!!), and with that you can build off it. Growing from inward out is the best way, but sometimes a little outward reassurance is what jumpstarts it.

People will always mock, hell some still mock me, but it doesn’t affect me near as badly as when I was a cub. I’ve found that much of said mocking is guided by fear and especially ignorance. They fear the inability to be affected negatively by others that many proud otherkins, alterhumans, therians, etc. have carefully cultivated in themselves. I’m 22 now, and I’m finally back as proud as little 10 year old me was in my therianthropy.

For me now I have my handlers and friends who accept me, but it definitely wasn’t always that way. Its taken a long time to unlearn the trauma and heartache of being the ‘other’, however that ‘other’ part was there for me no matter what. It curled its tail around me, rested its head in my lap, and comforted me when even I could not. That ‘otherness’ watched out for me, guarded me, protected me, kept me alive and warm. It assured me I was not wrong or damaged or broken. It’s known me before I ever did. It came with me into this life and it’s made living more than anything I could have imagined. I never thought I could have not one but TWO handlers that care for me and love me as their canine companion, learn the words to express how I feel, my animalistic behaviour never belittled and instead encouraged, yet I do.

I aim to be a living example that this existence isn’t a joke or fairytale, and to be the one little me needed when they felt alone for others. Otherkinness comes from within, it’s part of you, and only needs your permission to let it be. It won’t force itself into your life, that’ll be your choice. Some people will never understand, but it’s not up to you to make them. Let them self reflect, that’s not your job. Your only job, should you choose to take it (and you really should :3), is to appreciate your otherness and grow alongside it.

It has loved you the whole time.

#I’m so so soooo sorry this took forever to answer and it’s so sappy I just wanted to get all the wording right :’) #anon u remind me of myself as a cub and I truly hope that being able to see this part of you will make you feel whole and better than ever #stay safe!!! <3 #howling q’s #ruff ruff #therian #therianthropy #wolfkin

[anti-endo-haven]

not exactly sure how to trigger tag this so tldr: venting about an ex friend who fakeclaimed me and a therapist i used to have who didnt really help me and kinda did the opposite (probably not on purpose, but it still kinds fucked some things up for me)

----

thinking about the times ive talked about the possibility of having did with an old online friend of mine (who was a singlet) and they never believed me. i did so much research and trying to open up about it but when they told me i should stop it felt like everything i knew had fallen apart and was different

back then i remember before i told him about it i actually had known about some alters i had, they had actual names and personalities and even innerworld features. i remember one of them was a little kid with blonde hair and a pink dress and a black cat hat (exactly like a hat i used to have irl) i havent seen her around anywhere in a couple years sadly, since my friend told me i was faking. i wish she was around longer because she seemed really sweet. i think she went dormant bc of the stress our friend had put us through

i remember i had what i assume was a full switch to her which is why i wanted to talk to someone about it but the online friend i had at the time would constantly fakeclaim me and say things like "you cant be a system if youre under the age of 20" (even though... systems usually develop before the age of 10) and "youre faking because your typing is weird" (this alter was a little, a fucking child, so of course her grammar wasnt gonna be perfect) i literally remember switching to her as me and this person were talking and they still thought i was faking because "you just learned about this disorder and now youre acting like you have it" (maybe because.. ive had it for so long that when i finally found the words that have helped me describe it im trying to embrace it and learn to heal. maybe because for most of my childhood i felt like something deep inside me was wrong and broken and when i found out about did things suddenly started clicking for me)

even my therapist at the time didnt even try to figure out why i thought i had such a serious disorder, she just immediately dismissed it when i brought it up with her. i find it a bit funny though because before i brought up did with her she had told me i probably have *some kind* of dissociative disorder (she never specified) and she even gave me meds for it (which honestly made it worse, i can only remember like one thing from that time period and it was someone telling me "my energy felt off") while i dont think a therapist should always immediately agree with their patient when it comes to trying to diagnose something i think they should try to help them figure out if what theyre suspecting is truly what they are dealing with or if its something else, ykwim?

----

im so sorry for this being so long :( i didnt mean for it to be but it still ended up being a whole essay .. anyway this is my first time posting to this blog so hi !

id like to claim an anon tag, would 🌌🕹️ or tsc/the stardust crusaders be okay?

That ex-friend is wild… You can absolutely be a system under the age of 20, I’ve seen 14 year olds get an official diagnosis and be able to get some help/support for it. Not a lot of people might know about it until they’re older especially in therapy because they have to cross bases and make sure it isn’t something else. And even if someone does months/years of research, they might not fully know or be questioning for a while.

Some people also accept it faster than others. That doesn’t make them fake either. For us, we had started questioning when we were around 19, doing research and everything to help out and going to different sources, we’re now 20 and a little bit past the “I’m fake” self-doubt (imposter syndrome) and doing what we can to function.

Your therapist should have absolutely made sure to cross bases. I’m not saying that in like a bad way. But the medication pushing just… isn’t it. That seems really strange to me to just agree, not ask questions on why, and just give medication out like that…

But you guys aren’t fake, that friend is gone, hopefully that therapist, too. I hope you all are doing better!

And, yep! You can claim all of those!

#🌌🕹️ #tsc sys #the stardust crusaders #anti endo #did system #system #osddid #traumagenic system #endos dni #endos not for you #actually did #actually traumagenic #did plural #did plurality #osdd plural #osdd plurality #tw fakeclaiming #tw fakeclaiming mention #tw medication #tw meds mention #tw medicine #tw medicine mention #anti-endo-haven-vents #anti-endo-haven-vent

[fr33ze-y0ur-br4in]

.:*・°☆. Busy Times Mean Busy Mistakes.:*・°☆.

My link list here

Pairing: Xavier Thorpe x Fem! Reader (I DO NOT WRITE FOR XAVIER ANYMORE. DO NOT SEND ASKS FOR HIM!)

Summary: People tend to expect perfection from Principal Weems. Perfection tends to be what Weems provides. However, some mistakes tend to slip through the cracks of her frantic, stressed-out state of mind after the arrival of the Addams girl.

Warnings: fem! Reader, reader is an outcast but nothing specific about powers is mentioned, 2nd person POV (“you” used when referring to reader), slight spoilers for early episodes including Rowan, mentions bullying in the first paragraph during the mini-backstory, not much interaction with Xavier but I thought it was cute </3 (lmk if there’s anything else I should add)

Word count: 863

Genre: uhh really isn’t one tbh, fluff ig? Nothing super fluffy but it sets room for someone to request part two scenarios so eh

Beta/proofread mostly but I’ve added stuff since then so tell me if there’s mistakes pleaseee

Notes: MY FIRST FIC ON HERE AKSBJSJS- the prompt/idea I was given was provided by the dearest @1-800-olympians thank you for the inspo to start writing <3

A freak. That’s how many people at your old school would describe you in one word. The word kept bouncing around in your brain, haunting you in your nightmares of past experiences with bullies. When an incident with your main bully went a little too far and you clapped back a little too hard, your parents had finally decided it was time for a change. However, standing awkwardly in front of Weems’ desk, her switching back and forth between piles of paper and sighing exasperatedly every now and then, is not how you expected to see your new principal when first walking into the office.

“Uh… Principal Weems?” you say, getting her attention.

She tenses lightly, jumping at the sudden sound of your voice. “Oh! I’m so sorry, I hadn’t noticed you were there,” she chuckles lightly as she looks up at you. “Er- Y/n L/n, is it?” You nod in confirmation. “Second mid-year acceptance. Impressive records in terms of grades but questionable record,” she reads off a small description of you from the paper on top of a certain stack. “Right then, give me one moment.” She begins shuffling through the papers looking for your schedule and room assignment.

Checking over the paper, she notices she has yet to assign you a room. Muttering an apology under her breath about her messiness being unusual, she looks at the list of rooms empty. or partially empty, and assigns you the first one she sees, not bothering to check which hall it’s in nor the other occupant.

“There you are,” she says as she hands you the paper. “Enid will meet you in the front hall any moment now to show you around the school and you’ll start classes tomorrow morning. That ought to give you enough time to unpack and settle in,” explains the tired-looking principal. You thank her and make your way to find the werewolf showing you around.

————————

“And lastly, the courtyard! This is where basically everything happens,” the cheerful girl explains to you. “Not to mention the best place to find gossip for my blog,” she leans in and whispers to you as if telling top-secret information.

“Got it,” you laugh lightly, nodding at the girl. “So that tour showed me most of the classrooms and dorm halls, but can you tell me where this hall is?” you ask her, pointing to the hall on your schedule. The wolf furrows her eyebrows in confusion. “What…? What’s wrong?” you ask her.

“Nothing, it’s just…” she grabs the paper and moves the text closer to her face, muttering, “why did she assign you to that hall?”

“What’s wrong with that hall?” you copy her tone.

“Well technically nothing is actually wrong with the hall, it’s just weird she put you in it,” Enid explains, shrugging and handing you back the paper. Despite the weird reaction, she still points you in the direction of your dorm as the bell for the rest of the students to go to class rings. “See you in classes tomorrow!” she waves to you, running off to catch up with a black-haired girl and a guy in a beanie. After waving back, you make your way to your room.

————————

Unpacking your things took longer than you thought, the end of the rest of the students’ school day happening right as you finish assorting all your belongings. As you wait for your roommate—whom you had yet to get the name of—to get back to the room, you decide to just lay in bed and scroll on your phone.

The door opens a little while after you become absorbed in whatever silliness is on your screen making you fail to notice the boy in the doorway frozen, staring at you, confused.

He clears his throat, making you jump a little. The two of you just stare at each other, him standing at the door and you sitting on your bed.

You take the moment to observe him as he likely does the same. He’s tall. First and most obvious thing about him. Soon after, you see the shoulder-length brown hair. His eyes capture your attention next.

Woah, you think. He’s cute… hold on-

“Who are you?” you ask after a minute.

“I think I should be the one asking that.” After another moment of silence, he answers, “Xavier. Xavier Thorpe. And you?”

“Y/n L/n,” you respond. “Gonna go out on a limb and say Weems has me in the wrong hall,” you state, pulling a light chuckle from Xavier. He closes the door as he steps inside the room finally.

“Guess so. With all that’s happening, I can’t blame her. A lot of crazy stuff is happening right now.”

You hadn’t heard any of what had been going on. With how busy Principal Weems was when you had spoken earlier, you decided it’d be best to bring this problem up to her another time. “Mind filling me in? I’m sure we have plenty of time,” you say as Xavier sets his things down.

“I don’t see why not,” he shrugs, beginning the kooky stories that had occurred as of late.

Maybe the wrong hall assignment could be fun…

FIRST FIC DONE AHHHHH

Wanted to be tagged: @queerpumpkinnn (hope u like it)

#.:*・°☆. Claire’s Original Posts.:*・°☆. #.:*・°☆. Claire’s Original Fics.:*・°☆. #Xavier Thorpe x reader #Xavier Thorpe x f!reader #Xavier Thorpe x Fem!reader #Xavier Thorpe x female!reader #Wednesday characters x reader #Wednesday characters x f!reader #Wednesday characters x Fem!reader #Wednesday characters x female!reader #Xavier Thorpe fluff??? #Xavier Thorpe fluff #Xavier Thorpe x y/n #xavier x y/n #xavier Thorpe x you #Xavier x you #Xavier Thorpe fanfic #Xavier fanfic

[lieblxng]

Hello everybody! It’s been a long while since I’ve posted here, I know. I was introducing one of my friends into RPing on Tumblr, and I finally mustered the motivation to come back. I’ve been meaning to for years, but my mental health took some serious turns downward so bad that I basically left the internet and only lurked on a few sites. It’s still doing badly, but I’m not gonna get into that here. I appreciate everyone who donated to me and reblogged my commission post, but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to finish any commissions due to mental health complications so I deleted the post. Thank you immensely anyway, I love you guys to bits!

Part of the reason for me coming back is that I recently had surgery: originally I thought I had ulcers for my stomach issues, but it was actually gallbladder issues that I’ve had for years. It was a bit of an emergency surgery since I was sent to the ER twice and then promptly hospitalized due to the pain (like two days in a row). I don’t remember much since I didn’t get any sleep as I was hospitalized at like 2am and didn’t get any sleep, so it just happened in a blink of an eye. Anyways, I’m better now physically! Yay, no more agonizing pain and losing weight rapidly!

I left in the middle of the process of making more separated multimuse blogs since I think that would be easier for everyone, so I’m currently working on that again. The only one finished is the @ofthedelta one, so all my replies and starters will be through this blog until the separation is finished. Don’t worry, I’ll make promos and pin every RP blog I have on each new one including this one. “So what does that mean for @lieblxng?” you might ask. Easy, since it was heavily into the Pokémon fandom, I’m gonna keep all the Pokémon muses on this blog. So I’ll be working on that, getting the blogs back out again, following new people since a lot of people are also on hiatuses, and sending out old replies if people are alright with at least two year old replies ;; I am a clown…but honk honk, I’m working on it! I missed you guys a lot, and I’ve thought of this community as sweet and accepting so I’m very happy to come back, waaa- ;;;;

#//i always come back ooOOOooOo #//oh my god new tumblr is AWFUL #//its gonna be awhile until i figure it out waaaaa #//pure stress #big boy anxiety | ooc #when i close my eyes lying next to you... | updates

[somebrokensaiyan]

I’m glad to see you’re still active on your blog! If it’s okay may I request headcanons about what would a relationship be like with Cui and how did he confess to his crush?

Omg you just reminded me of my big ol crush when that man came on screen 💀. He may of died in the next few seconds but my love lasted at least until Zarbon appeared. Just because of this ask I’m adding Cui to the list 👌.

🌸But here you go! It’s been a long while since I’ve seen Cui and I don’t think there’s much on this dude but this is my take on his personality and how he would deal with having feelings for someone. Reader is gender neutral if that’s okay!🌸

Warning(s): Moderate swearing, slight possessiveness and jealously

Type: Headcanons

Relationship Headcanons

Cui x GN! Reader

What Cui’s like(imo):

• I personally find him to be a bit on the hotheaded and overconfident side.

• I mean, he tried to face off Vegeta, let alone settle some score with him without a doubt that he could beat him.

• (it could be that he can just easily contest with Vegeta, but I like the idea that these are two ego powerhouses, that have had a history of clashing with one another.)

• And speaking of ego, his is HUGE.

• However, he’s definitely more bark than bite. The moment he saw how powerful Vegeta really was, he was reduced to cowardice and desperation.

• You probably have to be that way anyways on the Frieza Force or you won’t make it, so I don’t entirely blame him if the whole tough, egotistical guy is some façade.

When he realizes he’s got it bad:

• Oh he’s a mess.

• I mean, he can probably pull just about anyone he wants because it isn’t anything serious. He’s still riding that ego of his cause he’s more in love with that image of himself than something real.

• But here you are, something so real, and something he finds himself to be falling much harder for.

• He probably doesn’t handle it too well. If you were friends he might just avoid you for a bit until you confront him about it. But, even then he would deny anything being wrong.

• But you know for a fact something’s up when he starts being distant or even a bit cold as opposed to his usual self around you.

• You may have to beat it out of him honestly. It’ll be hard and he won’t admit anything for a while.

• If he didn’t know you, he would try to. He’d do his usual routine when pursuing someone he was interested in, but it would just fail horribly and he’d get embarrassed, and probably just make himself look worse and worse the more he tried to cover it up, or play it off.

• But you probably find it cute and dorky, or concerned and think he needs to see a doctor.

How’d he confess if you were friends:

• Oh he will be such a pain to finally be out with what he’s holding back, that big head of his can only hold so many repressed emotions, but they will come out eventually, but knowing his type it probably won’t come out in a healthy non-toxic way.

• He knows he’s being cold, so he tries to shake himself out of it and invites you to go to a party with him, just hang out like old times.

• He was almost afraid you’d refuse to go with how he’s been acting towards you lately, but so happy when you accept.

• When you get there, you start drinking, dancing, chatting, or just chilling in a quieter corner to talk.

• He’s like his old self again finally, but you know something’s still up. However, you don’t want to possibly ruin this night by bringing it back up. You’re just happy he’s back to normal.

• You talking about whatever, just enjoying hanging out. However, Cui’s eyes aren’t the only ones on you as you do end up dealing with one other guy intrigued by you.

• The guy might have been drunk, or just an idiot. Because despite you turning down his advances and just trying to get back to the conversation you were having with Cui, he wasn’t backing off.

• If anything the guy was getting more pushy, even annoyed that you were ignoring him.

• He wasn’t the only one as Cui’s hand was increasingly clenching more and more around his drink. You eyeballed him a bit and were about to ask him if you two could just move to another spot and lose this guy, but the idiot grabbed your arm.

• And that was it for him.

• Remember when I said Cui’s feelings would probably only surface in an unhealthy, non-toxic way? Yeah, it definitely surfaces here.

• Jealousy, and pure anger.

• How dare this guy just ruin your fun? Your smile? Ignore your obvious disinterest, let alone touch you?

• When he put his hands on you all Cui saw was red, and his arm moved before his mind could as he shoved his drink right into the face of the guy before tackling him to the floor.

• “They told you to back off loser! Can’t you hear?!”

• You tried to pull Cui off of him but his mind was in another plane of existence at the moment, and you could not reach it.

• Some other people had to pull him off of the guy before throwing Cui out because they were sure he’d kill him.

• Once outside, he was slowly coming down from high as you tried to talk to him.

• He was back to that cold attitude as he refused to answer any questions you may have had, but oh boy you weren’t letting him for the hook now.

• He tried to walk away but you just stood right in front of him and demanded that he told you what the hell was going on and why he was acting like such an asshole.

• Silence. He doesn’t answer for a moment, but you can see that coldness to him fade away until you see something almost alien to Cui.

• Fear, he’s afraid. But of what?

• “Cui? What’s wrong?” You’re much softer with him, a softness he’s not use to, but it’s one of the things he loves the most about you.

• “I can’t tell you.” Is what he responded with, but when he saw that you were about to go back to your angry tone, which you had a right to, he rephrased.

• “I- don’t know how to. I’m- afraid to.”

• Now you were just worried. Cui? Admitting he was afraid? Something must terribly be wrong.

• “Cui, you can tell me anything. I’m not going to judge you. Look, I’m here for you, for whatever you need of me. If you’re in trouble I can help you.”

• “It’s not that- fuck… how do I say this?” Cui said getting frustrated with himself, why is it so hard to tell you? He finally just took a deep breath.

• “I like you.”

• He couldn’t meet you eyes when he said it, and when you didn’t immediately speak, he continued.

“I do. And- I know. I’ve been a real shithead to you lately, but that’s why. Because I- like you. You don’t have to say anything, you don’t even have to stick around. Especially with how I’ve been acting, I wouldn’t blame you. But- It’s out there. I’ve said it.”

• You went quiet for a few moment longer, which only made the heartbeat in his ears louder, but finally you spoke.

• “I like you too.”

• Now he was just staring at you. Shocked. That was the last thing he expected to hear from you.

• “You what?”

• “I like you, you dumbass. Was it not obvious?”

• It was, he’s just as you said, a dumbass.

• He just stared at you some more before you sighed.

• “I like you, yes. But I mean you, Cui. Not that stuck up asshole that beats drunks up on the floor for speaking to me. I can do that myself. But, if there’s something here for us, you’ll need to learn never to do something like that again. And anytime you need to talk, or you have something bothering you, talk to me. Please. Don’t just shut me out like you did, cause nothing could hurt more.”

• He’s hurt you? Shit… Shit-

• “I’m- so sorry. I never meant to hurt you- I swear, it won’t happen again. I don’t want to ever hurt you.”

• He can be real sweet with you really, but do make sure he cleans up his act a bit. Having violent, jealous outbursts in your name isn’t sexy and you deserve better love.

• Just get him some healthy therapeutic habits to deal with his emotions, and talk things out with him when he needs it.

What being in a relationship is like:

• I bet it’s quite lovely. He’s always trying to impress you, even if you’re in public.

• Oh- and he’s very open about your relationship. He makes sure people know you are together, he practically brags about it at times.

• He just really loves you and is happy he managed to pull you, also, doesn’t want a situation like at the party happening again. He wants to make sure people know you’re his and he is yours, and if they somehow miss that, he’ll let you handle it.

• Probably shows off in training matches when you’re around. Doing so much more uneeded flexing of his muscles or skills.

• I bet he wins most of his fight but if there’s times he really fumbles, he’s gonna be a bit grumbly for the rest of the day. Just try to give him some reassurance and he’ll be okay. Any bit of praise will get him back on track, and he absolutely lives for your praise.

• He’s probably not good at giving gifts.

• Like, he can get them if he see something that makes him really think of you, but he gets so flustered when he tries to give it to you.

• Probably just gives to you before trying to get away or leaves gifts when you’re not around. Just make sure to track him down and give him some smooches. He’s not getting away that easily.

• He can probably be a bit clingy.

��� Not in an annoying or toxic way. He just loves being around you. Whether it’s just casually hanging out and chatting, doing nothing but enjoying one another’s presence, cuddling on the couch or in bed, or just walking around. He’s just glued to your side.

• Of course, if you need space he will give it to you for as long as you need, he understands boundaries.

• He’s probably a good kisser.

• There are a lot of times when he’s flustered around you, mainly when cutesy feelings or actions ate involved, but there are times when he can be quite bold.

• He’ll just pin you to a wall to kiss you and you’ll wonder what happened to the guy that was fumbling over his words just to give you a bouquet of flowers just minutes ago.

• VERY PROTECTIVE.

• Maybe even a bit possessive, but sometimes a little possessiveness is nice. Just make sure he doesn’t go crazy with it. As long as he isn’t glaring or trying to start something with any person that comes in close contact with you, it’s okay. Again babe, don’t settle for over-possessive and jealous men you deserve better. Get you a healthy partner.

• He won’t fight your battles for you, he learned his lesson on that. But, if you want a teammate, he’s your man. You can kick ass together.

• He loves taking you out to dinner or just to hang out. Whether it’s to go see a movie or at your favourite restaurant. He also just loves staying at home with you. However, I bet this man does NOT know how to cook.

• But I bet that doesn’t stop him from trying when you two are hanging out at either yours or his place.

• If you can cook, please take over for him before he burns the whole kitchen down. Or at least supervise him and teach him.

• If neither of you can cook honestly he’ll be happy and not as embarrassed when the food he was cooking had been reduced to a burning pile of coal. Safe to say you two may just have take-out most home date nights.

• Loves it when he gets to stay the night at your place or when you stay at his. He just loves getting to sleep with you in his arms and waking up with you there.

• Speaking up, he’s definitely the big spoon. But likes being the little spoon at times when you managed to somehow convince him. He just won’t admit it. Cheeky bastard.

• Might get up early some mornings to cook you breakfast but again- he can’t cook. You’ll probably awake with a heart attack thinking somethings on fire or you’re having a stroke, but no, Cui somehow managed to not only burn toast, but set the toaster on fire.

• “Uh- morning babe.”

• “Cui, how the fuck-”

• Overall I think a relationship with him will be surprisingly tender, when it’s just those sweet moments when you two are alone. Or the more “Cui please shut up-” moments when he’s showing you off like the greatest prize he’s ever won to everyone. If the opportunity arises I bet he’d even brag about it to Lord Frieza. In a subtle way at least, he doesn’t want to lose his head, and plus he doesn’t like the guy.

#this could’ve been a fic with how long this was- #dbz #dbz headcanons #dragon ball z #frieza #dbz cui #Cui #dragon ball z cui #dragon ball z headcanons #cui x reader

[kidobros]

Hi Everyone <3

I’m gutted to say it, but I am somewhat officially abandoning this account. It’s something I’ve been considering on and off for a long time, which you may suspect from my absences in the last handful of years.

I initially abandoned this account because I believe that one of the people who abused me growing up was stalking me through this blog and keeping tabs on me.

This blog served as a crutch (aid) that has carried me through so many episodes of mental health and self discovery that it really hurts to let it go. I felt like I could be myself here, long before I had any real grasp on who I was, or what I was actually going through. It breaks my heart to finally accept this after wrestling with the fact forever, but it’s not safe to share in this space anymore. I’ve had plenty of time to mourn the passed eras of my life. It’s time to move on.

I’m sorry to the friends that I ghosted. I still think of you often, and I miss you. I would love nothing more than to get back in contact with you all. I’m a different person now, and it might be uncomfortable getting to know each other once more; what we shared is still cherished and sacred to me. I want to reach out through messages, but I'm scared. I want to start again with you.

To the one person in my real life who I chose to show this blog to – my dear old friend from a lifetime ago – I hope you someday feel comfortable and welcome reaching out to me. I have something serious I need to discuss with you. I don’t want you to panic or stress about it, but you really deserve to be informed. It feels disrespectful and inconsiderate to try and re-establish contact on my end. Please consider leaving me a message.

As a final note, I would like to share that I’ve been on a soft social media blackout for the last two years or so – fully deleted all my other accounts and profiles across every platform and have been focusing on mental health, healing and learning about trauma, and self discovery. It was the best choice I ever made. Don’t be afraid to change your habits and break your cycles in order to heal and grow. It’s hard, and it’s worth it. I love you.

—Cohen, & Del, & Rhs; KidoBros <3

#if brambles wild should snag me #i would find it bittersweet #please let me stain my tongue red with the truth #and paint pictures with crushed fruit #if we're nevermore to meet #this open secret I will rattle free #♛ #dromomaniac-with-a-digivice #tw stalker mention #tw abuse mention

[saisons-en-enfer]

I spent an entire week clearing my head and thinking about things. Ultimately I felt really good and had another great therapy session. I’ve been happy so I thought “ok everything is ok now so maybe I should post on tumblr” as soon as I did I just immediately felt drained

I always knew tumblr disturbs my well being in some way but I could never explain what… maybe now I can

Perhaps it’s not wise to spend time on a space I most associate with my darkest time

Perhaps tumblr is just a comfort zone that I no longer find much joy in and instead it feels like a chore

Maybe tumblr is a substitute for the void I feel in my life socially, it’s good but it can never be a replacement of the real thing

Maybe tumblr is holding me back from realizing my full potential as a person; it’s something I always cling to when I could be spending my time actually putting myself out there… maybe it’s denying me actualizing the potential I know I have for my life to be what I want it to be

Maybe I put too much effort into tumblr only to feel (erroneously or not) that I’m not appreciated and seen

Perhaps I care way too much about strangers that I’ve never met and get emotionally attached to people I can never see in my life or never be able to change their circumstances no matter how much I yearn to

Perhaps tumblr much like other social media is a means for comparison and that kind of behaviour is so fucking poisonous to me, hence why deactivating my IG was such a blessing

Maybe I just want something more, something that I’ll never find here and will instead be left burning for it always

My 20’s are coming to an end, I suffered so much and for much of it I genuinely didn’t want to be alive, I’ve changed so fucking much but yet lost all that time anyways so maybe tumblr just naturally frustrates me; it’s furtively indicative of idleness something that I hate

I change so much and perhaps tumblr is the last remnant of cowardice left in my system that I need to remove

I had 3 accs and maybe for this acc im just exhausted with having to post to gain traction and besides im not even followed by half the people I was mutuals with in my old blog before I deleted and im not the type anymore to beg for things

I seriously can go on, it’s just not a good time for me anymore, much like Last.fm and RYM

So I’m going silent indefinitely… I wish I could just delete and move on with tumblr, something I’ve incessantly clung to forever, but unfortunately I do not have support systems in play when shit hits the fan, even though recently I’ve been so much better

But I’ll never forget the people showing me love and affection when I could never show myself any. Now that I can, it’s only right I use that momentum and move forward I want my life to be something I’m proud of it and unfortunately it’s nowhere near what I want it to be

I will just post one more song as an early celebration for New Years, again I suffered so much this year but I can finally say my suffering had purpose im just far more empathetic and compassionate towards myself, and I confessed the truth to myself and accept my nasty behaviours so that I can get rid of the forever

Anyways, see you around :)

[polyamorouspunk]

Just wanted to say something nice, I really like your blog and blogs like yours have helped me and my friends get a lot more comfortable with ourselves. I have finally accepted the genuine joy I get from having multiple undefined/chaotically defined emotionally intimate relationships; and also having my lovely husband. It certainly took a lot of inner work on my part (and lots of communication with my now nesting partner/husband) and my life has overall genuinely improved. Your blog also helped me have some better language to support one of my friends who got out of a long term abusive relationship and is now exploring polyamory for herself. I’ve also been able to go back to old friends I had odd connections with and explain myself better because of hearing terms like polyamory, aroallo, and love queer. I was able to let them know that I did love them; just in a different way and it’s brought a lot of peace. It’s nice just being whoever you are and seeing things that support that, even if it’s just in little corners of the Internet like tumblr.

Happy sleepover Friday! I hope you have an awesome weekend.

Thank you so much. I’m so happy to hear that for you. That really sounds like living the dream. There are so many childhood friends I wish I could go back in time and explain myself to. I’ve even tried to track some down. But I’m glad I know for myself now for the future. It’s never too late to learn something new about yourself and how it might help you in the future. Best wishes, and keep up the good work.

#punk gets mail

[ithappensblog]

nice to meet you

Hi, I’m Jenny and welcome to my blog. In this post, I want to share with you some of the highlights and challenges of my life so far, and how I’m trying to find my purpose and happiness in this world.

I’m almost 34 years old and still struggling to figure out my life. Aren't we all? I’ve gone to school for a diploma program in Medical Laboratory Technician/Phlebotomy, a diploma program for Accounting Technician, and started my Human Resource Management diploma program too. I’ve always wanted to be an RN but, life and my body had other plans for me. I’ve always been interested in learning new things and pursuing different careers, and I've finally found one which fulfills me. I have a really good job now, but I’m not really supposed to talk about what I do so I’m going to leave that part out, but it’s finally something I’m good at and something I enjoy doing. It pays well and gives me flexibility and stability. It also challenges me and allows me to use my skills and creativity.

I have a husband who I’ve been with for 10 years now. Jason has helped me grow into a much better person and loves me unconditionally. He supports me in everything I do and encourages me to follow my dreams. I have 2 stepsons who have given me a run for my money but I still love them both at the end of the day. They are growing up so fast and I’m proud of the young men they are becoming. After an incredibly challenging fertility journey, I have my almost 5 year old daughter who is bright, caring, funny, and wise beyond her years. She is the light of my life and the reason I smile every day. I always tell her she saved my life, and it's true, but I won't tell her how until she's much older.

I have a passion for traveling and exploring new places. We try to do a big family vacation once a year and just this year decided that one trip a year should be spent nurturing our relationship. I love animals and have two dogs and three cats who keep me company and make me laugh. I’m on a journey to self love after spending my entire life as an overweight underdog. I’ve struggled with my body image and self-esteem for as long as I can remember, but I’m learning to accept myself and love myself for who I am. I have a daughter now, and I owe it to her to be kind to myself as the way I behave in front of her will be a reflection of how she treats her own body.

I live with many invisible illnesses both mentally and physically but try my best to get through every day. Some of the conditions I deal with are anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, insulin resistent PCOS, Chronic Kidney Disease, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, and more. Yeah, I know, it fucking sucks. But, I'm definitely not here to gain pity for my health problems. By looking at me, you'd think the only problem I'd had in my life was enjoying one too many cheeseburgers. Some days are better than others, but some days are really hard. I try to be positive and optimistic, but sometimes I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I’m grateful for the support of my family, friends, doctors, therapists, and online communities who help me cope and understand that I’m not alone.

I grew up in Guelph, Ontario and ventured back to Sudbury, Ontario after leaving my now ex-husband which was the best decision I’ve ever made. He was an interesting choice to say the least, and for the longest time I felt so trapped. It took me a long time to gather the courage to leave him, but when I did, I felt free and empowered. It was a turning point in my life that led me to meet my current husband and start a new chapter.

I’m thankful for this beautiful life I live. It’s not perfect, but it’s mine. And it’s full of love, laughter, learning, adventure, growth, gratitude, and hope. Thank you for reading this post even though you're probably rolling your eyes at yet another new overnight brainchild. But I'm going to try to use this as an outlet to heal and grow from the shit life throws my way, and hopefully inspire others to do the same along the way.

#chronic illness #chronic pain #self love #body image #body positivity #ptsd #ocd #anxiety #chronic health #divorce #stepparent #stepparenting #stepmom #sudbury #guelph #momsover30 #millennialmoms #millennials #shithappens #adhd #actuallyadhd #neurodivergent