saisons-en-enfer

[saisons-en-enfer]

Lonely as I am To love someone like you Lonely as I am Too low for someone new

#final post #i got fuck else to say #other than i couldnt escape all the pain i endured in my life #and soon i wont have to cry in silence again or try to explain to anyone the impossibility of my suffering

[saisons-en-enfer]

"I don't really matter to anyone"

"what about me? I care about you, isn't that enough"

#months later completely abandoned #and i still care deeply about that person but have to live my life with that care as a reflection of how much i hate myself #im not worth giving a shit about im tired of having to understand why and to try to be better #its always been like this #people warm up to me and then just leave and i can never fucking ask why #its always the same #im tired of the immense sorrow of it #i cant shrug it off #i cant say i dont care #i cant say who needs them anyway #because i needed warmth but never found it

[saisons-en-enfer]

.

#i only stuck around for the promise of finding love but I’m incapable of such a thing #and to not hurt anyone but I’m no longer able to survive for others

[saisons-en-enfer]

#may 8 can’t come any sooner #i can’t imagine a fate worse than having to fake celebrate a birthday of another decade of the same things #I’m tired #i had enough #it’s not worth it anymore #nothing is

[saisons-en-enfer]

The pain is agonizing today

I really am starting to feel the withdrawal of my meds since I threw them all away

And I’m just obsessively thinking and agonizing over every single person in my life that called me a friend but pushed me away when it was no longer convenient

And I’m just left in grief and shock whilst they may never feel remorse

And it’s so unfair, i feel that these same people may feel responsible for when I’m gone and it just sucks they would never think of me otherwise and I’m not doing this for revenge I just fucking can’t handle life anymore

It’s so fucking unfair, why can’t everyone just let me go in death as they did me in life, why do I just constantly have to feel grief and guilt and sorrow no matter what I do

Why is it so hard… my existence is never noticed so why would my death make people notice, why can’t I just disappear without anyone ever noticing

How is it fair that my torment gets transferred, why do I have to live and suffer with it alone and if I can’t then it becomes everyone else’s problem

I just want peace I don’t want to hurt anyone

#I just want to die #i swear I have nothing left to fight for #and I can’t do it #i can’t endure all of this because I don’t want to hurt anyone else #there is nothing at all that can change this #the world makes me sick and people make me deeply anxious #and yet without people I suffer in loneliness #i just can’t connect with anyone anymore #and it’s so fucking tragic

[saisons-en-enfer]

As I'm getting ready for what will be my final rave tonight, I noticed thunderstorms and rain ensuing; blessed timing I thought, since it never rains here (it rained twice this year)

I went outside and just stood in the rain, I felt no inclination to commit the moment to memory via videos or images (since again raining is rare). Rather I just observed, knowing it will be the last time I experience rain, it felt like time froze as I stopped and noticed and appreciated everything; the sound of rain a fusion of it landing on concrete and greenery, the way the rainwater gently trickles down leaves, the feeling of it on my skin the coolness the dampness, the way it drenches my clothes, seeps into my cigarettes lighter, the way it gently plucks away disharmony and sorrow, the way it proceeds a grey sky veiling the sun, exuding empathy to all those who are in pain and in suffering, as if nature is calling out in understanding and mourning existence with you

It was nice to feel it all, and all the while reaffirming what I wanted to do, that I'm ready for what's to come

And tonight I get to feel alive one more time, tonight I will exist in harmony, I will silently mourn everything in my heart and dance until the break of dawn surrounded by strangers. I will be human for one last time. Cry, laugh, smile, yell, I will be myself 100% and let the world bear witness, I will give all my warmth and leave it all in the four walls of the room.

I always wanted there to be a rave to celebrate me when I die, but I'm not important nor significant nor know many people for it to happen, instead I will rave with the world one last time

I will exist to the world once more and after, I will be locked behind closed doors until the time comes

[saisons-en-enfer]

Jump straight to the start, shameless hope

Was lovely to stay...

#i got nothing else to say #except to post this song and thank it for the comfort and warmth its given me in all my sleepless nights crying #quelling the infinite longings making me feel so many things hope being one of them #longing for a life i can never have and things i can never have and settling for less #instead of hope and warmth this song now gives me peace and empathy of letting go #that my suffering was not meaningless as long as i got to feel human for as long as i did #my favourite song in the world #ill spend my last moments at my final place on this earth listening to it crying for the last time

[saisons-en-enfer]

I’m dead set, everything is planned, nothing will make me change my mind

May 8th I’m gone

Cut contacts with my psychologist and psychiatrist and changed my number so they can’t reach me

I just hope that my mother doesn’t decide to read my book of poetry against my will, I want to be buried with it, all the words, all the pain, everything I ever felt should die with me

I’m happy and I know peace, going to go to my final rave day after and then just listen to all my favourite songs until the time comes

The world may be better without me in it, no one has to tolerate the insurmountable melancholy anymore

As my favourite musician zanias said in her song:

“At least I know I tried, so dry your eyes dry your eyes”

[saisons-en-enfer]

I don’t want to be a broken record I been wanting to end my life for about 9 years now but I held it off on the promise that therapy might help and that I might get better but it’s not happened and I don’t even enjoy things anymore

I always liked the idea of leaving this world on the day I was born, because then the world will only mourn me once rather than when I was born and when I’m no longer here

I can’t lie to say that the idea of being dead on my 30th is way better than being alive to “celebrate” it only to feel like hell the day after

I’m just going to take the time now and try to do whatever I can to enjoy whatever time I got left and…

Not like I’m worth the hassle anyway, not worth writing this anywhere and just keep it to myself, save face until the day comes

#by may 8th I’ll be gone #i just can’t do it this past year was so difficult #I’m not worth the hassle anymore #and I found someone who will carry out my will too #i don’t have a reason to stay anymore #I’m sorry #i know whatever I say won’t make a difference #hated in life and hated in death no matter what I do

[saisons-en-enfer]

I held off from ending my life yesterday because my uncle had an emergency, he fell and had internal hemorrhage so he had to be hospitalized

Today my sister sent me a photo of him go for a walk with his wife at Danube river and just minutes ago he past away

[saisons-en-enfer]

Nothing feels right until I die, I deserve it

[saisons-en-enfer]

The only end is death The only rest is death

#mood crashed #i want to disappear again #wish i could just die tonight im so tired of all of this #just constant reminders why i should never even want to connect with anyone ever again #SI playlist #see you tumblr i guess #hope its a see you again and not see you on the other side #but i dont know what else to do its so easy for me to just want to end it all the past 2 weeks #im not skipping meds and im going to therapy and im doing everything that brings me happiness #but its not enough #i deserve to die i feel it

[saisons-en-enfer]

#favourite songs #years of denial #suicide disco #EBM #Bandcamp

[saisons-en-enfer]

I feel your flesh I smell your blood You've caught me thinking I'm in your trap They think I'm stupid They think I'm blind But I can't stop loving Your dangerous mind Your love is crime...

#yup yup still such a hot song

[saisons-en-enfer]

#denuit #ritual #EBM #Bandcamp

[saisons-en-enfer]

Photos by Danielle Levitt for GQ, in a now-deleted article.

GQ Article

Outfit details:

Photos 1, 6, 8, and 11: On Trent Reznor: Coat by Faqtpry. T-shirt by Calvin Klein. On Atticus Ross: Jacket by Faqtory. Photo 2: Cape by Dolce & Gabbana. Turtleneck by Ralph Lauren Purple Label. Ring (on left ring finger, throughout) his own. Ring (on left pinkie, throughout) by Møsaïs Paris from Voyager Archive.On Atticus Ross: Shirt by Willy Chavarria. Jeans by Ralph Lauren Purple Label. Boots by Christian Louboutin. Sunglasses by Gentle Monster. Necklace, bracelet, and ring (on right ring finger, throughout) by The Great Frog. Ring (on pinkie, throughout) by Parts of Four from Voyager Archive. Ring (on left ring finger, throughout) his own. On Trent Reznor: Jacket by Canali. Shirt by Rick Owens. Trousers by Ralph Lauren Purple Label. Boots by Balenciaga. Necklace from Voyager Archive. Ring (on right ring finger, throughout) by The Great Frog. Photo 3: Cape by Dolce & Gabbana. Turtleneck by Ralph Lauren Purple Label. Ring (on left ring finger, throughout) his own. Ring (on left pinkie, throughout) by Møsaïs Paris from Voyager Archive. Photo 4: On Trent Reznor: Coat and trousers by Willy Chavarria. Sweater by Diesel. Boots, his own. On Atticus Ross: Jacket by Versace. Tank top by Junya Watanabe Man. Trousers by Fear of God. Boots by Gianvito Rossi. Sunglasses by Gentle Monster. Watch by Hublot. Ring (on left hand), his own. Bracelet and ring (on right hand) by Eliburch Jewelry. Photo 5: Jacket by Bottega Veneta. Sweater by Zegna. Sunglasses by Barton Perreira. Wallet chain (worn at neck) by Martine Ali. Photo 7: On Atticus Ross: Coat by Saint Laurent by Anthony Vaccarello. Scarf stylist’s own. Sunglasses by Ahlem. On Trent Reznor: Jacket by Dolce & Gabbana. Sweater by Ferragamo. Necklace by The Great Frog. Photo 9: Jacket by R13. Tank top by Givenchy. Trousers by Ralph Lauren Purple Label. Boots by Balenciaga. Photo 10: On Atticus Ross: Shirt by Willy Chavarria. Tank top by Junya Watanabe Man. Jeans by Ralph Lauren Purple Label. Boots by Christian Louboutin. Sunglasses by Gentle Monster. Necklace and bracelet by The Great Frog. On Trent Reznor: Jacket by Fear of God. Shirt by Rick Owens. Trousers by Ralph Lauren Purple Label. Boots by Balenciaga. Necklace from Voyager Archive.

#OKKKKKKK?????? #amazing #gonna frame bottom right immediamente

[saisons-en-enfer]

Trent Reznor x GQ

#ok....