#i’m having a weird day i guess

[bluuscreen]

i think. there’s more than one kind of unconditional love. like it’s not all ignoring peoples flaws and staying by someone’s side forever, it’s also like

you hurt me and made me feel awful sometimes, and it’s a good thing we aren’t friends anymore. but i hope you changed and got better, and you were important to me at some point, and i love you

we drifted apart and haven’t spoken properly in years, but i still think of you sometimes and i hope you’re doing well, and i love you

you were a relative stranger i spoke to a few times on the train and while eventually we both stopped needing public transport, i wish you the best in getting wherever you’re going, and i love you

you stopped talking to me one day and never really explained why, and i just had to move on from that even though i saw you every day, and i still love you

sometimes it’s not unconditional because you’re with someone forever, but because you’re not

#.txt #half asleep thinking abt all the friends i’ve had over the years that i don’t have anymore let’s goooo #half asleep because i just woke up. good morning #i say at 2:30pm #i’m having a weird day i guess #the waking up this late isn’t that weird i mostly mean my Mood

[braidedhades]

just found out that non-aromantics actually have feelings towards the people they decide to have a crush on. Apparently it’s not like, “hmmm should I consider this person for dating? what are the pros and cons here?” Or like, “I want to be really close friends with that person” But it’s like an actual emotional response or something? An emotion that is different from the “I wanna be really close friends” emotion??

also I just figured out that I’m aromantic

#I’m also ace but I already knew that #Shout out to Jaiden Animations #Never would have figured this stuff out this quickly otherwise #asexual #aromantic #aroace #My first “crush” was Carmen San Diego #I was 18yrs old and that “crush” lasted 2 days #Turns out she wasn’t as pretty when she wasn’t wearing her signature outfit #I didn’t actually have a crush on her I just really liked her outfit #I think I just decided that “ya know I should’ve had a crush on someone by now kinda weird that it hasn’t happened yet” #And then I just picked the first pretty girl I saw #She’s animated so I guess that made it less weird than having a crush on a random stranger #But like there were no actual romantic emotions there #Didn’t know that there were supposed to be any but oh well #The whole “I wanna be really close friends with that person” thing really threw me off for a while #Cuz I thought that was what romantic attraction was #But apparently it’s not??? #Too confusing we should just get rid of romance #Honestly my idea of the “ideal romantic/queerplatonic relationship” should have tipped me off sooner that I was aro #It was “a close friend who lives in the same house as me but we have separate bedrooms and sometimes we cuddle on the couch but not… #… always and we don’t hold hands or kiss or anything but we just act like really good but close friends because that’s what I think a… #… romantic relationship is two people who are really close friends” #might delete later I dunno just kinda rambling and I’m really tired

[skyward-floored]

Wips. Please. Please. Work with me here, come on pleeeeaaaasssssseeee.

...No?

*flings doc* NEVER MIND THEN I’LL GO CROSS-STITCH BUNNIES

#I GIVE UPPPPPPP #...for now #raaaaaaaaargh #rambles from the floor #maybe I’ll blame it on the lack of sleep and feeling weird #randomly felt kinda like throwing up all day #not in an anxious way though #just actual. tummy hurts. and not in a monthly way #more like if I have to listen to this kid dip her goldfish in her water and slurp them up again I honestly think I might throw up’ kinda way #oh well I haven’t yet so I guess I’m doing alright

[thisteaistoosweet]

Cahara but if he was a contestant of the termina festival.

(Made for an enlightened cahara au)

#my art #drawing #sketch #fanart #fear and hunger #cahara #cahara of the south #f&h #fah #should i tag the second game because it’s a design for it? #eh #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #nobody to stop me i guess #fear and hunger termina #f&h2 #f&ht #fah2 #faht #outfit design #character design #enlightened cahara au #s ending still kinda happens but Celeste was killed while he was in the dungeons #He’s just sad and rich. #makes friends with Rag and Moonless comes to visit often #Moonless hasn’t came to see him in a while and Rag has been very quiet which gets hims suspicious and has him taking a row boat over - #to prevail because the train hasn’t came back for some reason #manages to avoid all the ghosts and is like town is weird but okay i guess lmao #Perkele sees him and goes. you know what? I’m going to add this twink to the festival because nobody has killed anybody within this first d #and an extra day because this is bound to be intresting #I don’t think anyone is gonna read all my tags but have my abdriged rundown of the au lmao

[catastrxblues]

i’ve finally finished it thank god. physics, you and i have a very toxic relationship that we need to fix asap.

#i don’t have the energy to celebrate but yay i guess 😭 #thank you for bridgerton s2 for keeping me company haha #is it weird that i’m contemplating to just read until 5 am came around #so like no sleep #but i’m scared if i go to sleep now i’ll oversleep #no i’m talking crazy #but like ugh it’s tempting because i can’t seem to do anything productive during the day anymore #you know what never mind #ignore this #anyways #physics #nadirants

[ilikecheeseandchocolatee]

Do any of you ever have that thing where one of your body parts feels really weird and the only way to fix it is to flap it around a bit and then it feels better like nothing hurts but it just feels really weird and I have to wave it around or flap it around or rub it on things is that just me or do other people have that too

#ask tumblr #science side of tumblr #because I also wanna know why that’s happening #it’s like scratching an itch but it’s not an actual feeling except that it just feels like it needs to move around a bit #i hope that’s not just me #usually it’s my legs I guess #especially my right leg for some reason #i need to have socks on when I get into bed #but it’s unusual for me to wake up with the sock on my right foot #because at some point in the night it must slide off (I’m a movey sleeper) #it feels weird those days when it’s not slid off in the night #my left foot is fine I guess #sometimes the socks on both feet need to slide off #but usually it’s my right foot #it feels so weird to talk about #i can’t think of why this would be logical behaviour #maybe it’s a sensory thing #i need to feel things on my right leg #i think? maybe? #help me out here

[psqqa]

if they wanted me to edit these research guides in a timely manner they should have written them better

#is there a way to ignore all the awkward phrasing and shit and just focus on content? #probably??? #but not if you’re me #not when content and writing become intertwined by the bad writing making the content more confusing #what are all these sentences doing in these paragraphs??? #that weird kind of vacuous where they exist solely to introduce the next sentence #except the next sentence isn’t related to the point of the paragraph! #so you’ve got [information] [wait what does this mean] [wait what does this have to do with anything??] #rinse repeat #god i just tried to emulate the writing and i just fucking can’t #this is why i never get any writing done #i can’t just string words together in an approximation of meaning and call it a day #like i’m sorry my brain sees ‘if you drink water you should also eat food. for the nourishment’ and goes #‘yeah sure i guess? what are we getting at here and can we just get at it directly?’ #it is actively more difficult to try and ignore that shit than have my editing brain on

[tomatoluvr69]

What’s up tumblr hope you had a super fun leap day. sparkle on. big news my first seed start sprouted while I was at work ✨

#might have to change the url bc I’m in my collard era lol #my day was alright #I ate some shrimp curry that I’d accidentally left out all night and was fine bc I’m a scavenger of a person #then bc I started to feel PMDD fatigue I laid in bed with great elan til my shift started #then I spilled coffee all over my work clothes bc I stuck it in a very sketchy travel mug someone left in our house at the last party #and I listened to Screamin Jay Hawkins on the ride to work which was fun #work was a bit chaotic but uneventful and got to spend a huge chunk of it outside #it seems I have way better ball control than I did when I was a kid. whyyy now. i was such a loser I could have used some athleticism #but I’m so glad it’s the weekend so I can go palliative care mode which is what I call my lizard brumation pmdd phase #and stopped by a friend’s house after work which was nice #really rejuvenating #then made a sort of weird frittata w/ beets peppers and potatoes bc I was too tired to actually cook #watched sense and sensibility 1995 and really liked it although I found myself wishing for a bit more anguish. sorry #and I think I might set out one of the frozen almond croissants to proof overnight so I can bake it for bfast tomorrow #will go for a very short swim but probably only about 30 min bc of aforementioned fatigue. then pick up yogurt and a silly little treat #and will have ****** and **** for dinner either tomorrow or Saturday which will be nice #but really hoping Saturday because **** **** ** **** lol #and then Sunday I’m trepidatious about because **** was like what are you doing Sunday and I’m like well I guess having a fraught and #difficult conversation about our dynamic! lol #I’m very lucky to have proactive friends who are good communicators. truly I do not deserve his kindness. but like. god. let me retreat and #lick my wounds! #i shan’t get into it. but just know I know how S&G felt #and then another work week but I’m starting to really get a feel for the routine and what works and what doesn’t #and I’m excited for my next few meal preps we got millet and kale gratin #and a Lebanese chickpea dish the name of which unfortunately escapes me atm #but my mouth is watering thinking about it. saw a vid and was instantly influenced and went to the pantry to see if I had the stuff and I #dooooooooooo #and I do feel like I’m beginning to get past the worst of [event] and its sadness

[oh-katsuki]

its very strange losing a friend because there are moments of clarity and moments of overwhelming grief and moments of a very unplaceable pain and sorrow. it dredges up memories of friends you may have lost before or the people who left this world sooner rather than later. and you just sort of ache for them and for their pain… what they must have felt to want to leave so suddenly. even if you hadn’t spoken in a while, or if you spoke every day, or if you’d promised to speak but always forgotten. your heart just sort of longs for them. for the ability to do so.. and it just sort of comes up empty.

#I promised I’d text her the last time we saw each other about a year ago #and I completely forgot #and I wish I hadn’t #because now it’s not even an option #and it never will be #idk #grief is weird #like there have been moments these past two days where everything feels normal #or somewhat normal #and i become very aware of this constant ache in my chest #that is pervasive and painful in a very dull way #and I’m reminded of why I feel that way #and then I feel guilty #and grieve all over again #I’m just feeling #a little messy I guess #and I wish I had just reached out the way I promised to #we had been so close and it just sort of.. slipped away #tw: grief #tw: death #tw: suicide #personal #vent

[danielnelsen]

i forget it’s not canon that hawke’s just roaming around skyhold with his definitely-not-shapeshifted-husband cat, it’s just how things are

#or like. the western approach. just carrying him around in his coat like anders did with pounce #he’s an orange cat (of course) and hawke calls him blondie when people ask #dragon age inquisition #dragon age #hawke #anders #handers #da #dai #can’t imagine anders NOT being a shapeshifter #that’s kinda the thing with origins mage specs tho..they all feel like they need a good reason for someone to take them #spirit healer’s kinda the default ‘normal’ one (and i guess battlemage) but the others all need a backstory #like i’m my canon wynne doesn’t have a second spec because none of them really speak to me #also awakening is weird because unless you’re playing a mage warden……..how tf do they actually learn any of the specs???? #especially shapeshifter and arcane warrior. you’re not learning those from a manual or literally ANY awakening npc #like i personally feel like nobody other than the origins warden should even be able to learn arcane warrior #(lore-wise that is. i just feel like that knowledge can’t be imparted that effectively) #but yeah for shapeshifter: ASSUMING THE WARDEN LEARNS IT you can’t convince me that anders wouldn’t be ALL OVER THAT #personal

[starbuck]

another semester BEHIND me… the relief hasn’t fully kicked in, but i’m starting to feel it.

#my dumb ass decided it would be a good idea to take ten credits in eight weeks #it was NOT #BUT (unless one of my professors really hates my final project which is unlikely) i have successfully emerged with all A’s #and i am now officially a sophomore! #(or will be in a couple days when the semester actually ends and the credits kick in) #it’s gonna be SO weird at Christmas with my family #because i functionally started at the same time as my little cousin #who has done one semester #and i’m just gonna roll in like ‘lol what’s up? guess who’s a sophomore now????’ #i AM gonna milk that - i need victories #(not against my little cousin - i am SO proud of him… against my Grandpa) #anyway - now it’s time for Crazy Weekend #which consists of a work holiday party a program and two Christmas Bird Counts #it is gonna be a TIME #a good time - hopefully - but a Time nonetheless #and then? i get to? REST?????? #nah - we actually have another program #but HEY - could be worse!! #someday i will rest #someday..

[stillagoodwitch]

can my advisor PLEASE approve my classes or message me to say i can’t take that many so i know if i can graduate in time

#i keep telling everyone i don’t care because like whatever happens it’s out of my control at this point #but i guess i’m lying??? #today was a very weird day #i don’t want to get my hopes up #i thought i calculated it all so well but ?? apparently not #and like i refused to take some classes last semester because then my school would get longer for sure #IF I KNEW IT WAS STILL A POSSIBILITY I WOULD TAKE THEM AND LIKE HAVE A GUARANTEED JOB AFTER I GRADUATE #will delete probably lmao #im just Stressed a little #just enough to take my executive function to the top

[trashbaget]

tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”

#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with #but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this #i can’t just. talk to the guy #if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that #i can barely even say hello to him #don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like #ah fuck there he is #okay you can do it just say hi #just say what’s up #and then he’s already gone #also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin #ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍 #but like. ​i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction #or like. an actual conversation. #which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or #i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what) #anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴 #i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at #least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.) #anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault #too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair #but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side #where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20 #mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡 #but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number #who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21 #his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦 #cheers to being fools universe

[sebsrainbowbicycle]

.

“At least you have a mother” is something that has been said to me more times than I would care to count, and is something I’ve been thinking on a lot recently.

I think an absent mother would have been better than what I had. To the outside world we were a perfectly imperfect family. We went to church, we hosted dinners, were polite got good grades and everything seemed normal. But it wasn’t. I didn’t really have a mother, or maybe I did once but not that I remember. I had a person who gave birth to me and hated me, except for once a year when we would take a trip just us and it would be great for two days.

I witnessed what a mother was, with how she was with my brother. I saw what love and care and affection without expectation was when I saw their relationship, but I didn’t get that. I got the other side of her. The abusive alcoholic. And I don’t think I’ll ever really recover from that fully. I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to get rid of the tiny voice inside my head that asks what I did wrong to make her do those things. Nothing, I was a child. I know that but the voice in my head doesn’t.

Mother’s Day has ben something that weighed heavy on me always, the pretending so that everything looked normal to everyone else. So that no one saw what she was really like. I’d get her cards and gifts because it wasn’t worth it if I didn’t. Playing nice and playing pretend and dying inside. Watching everyone else showcase their love, talk about wonderful memories and how amazing their mums are, and I remember the year that my Dad was sick and in hospital so couldn’t buy me a gift for her like he did every year, because I was too young and didn’t have money. And I made her a card, used her favourite colours and flowers. I made her toast and coffee and my brother attempted orange juice and we took it to her in bed and she seemed happy. It seemed good. Until my brother went to play and she screamed at me because we hadn’t gotten her gifts, or bought cards. Told me I was irresponsible and ungrateful and a terrible daughter. I’lll leave the rest of that story to the imagination.

So Mother’s Day isn’t a good day for me. Never has been. This year will be my first Mother’s Day since I went no contact, and it’s weird and freeing too, not to have the obligations. But it’s another change, and another thing I have to deal with. Another thing that hurts. All the time. The pretending hasn’t stopped with the obligations, I’ll still smile at my friends lovely plans and stories and not flinch when they talk about their mums, pretend every word isn’t a dagger into an open festering wound. Smile, pretend to everyone else that everything is normal. Just like I’ve always done.

#Dee talks #Mother’s Day looms and I’m having a weird day #and I needed to put this somewhere #because my mind is swimming and I think I need to properly cry but I can’t #I don’t know how #so yeah #cw: child abuse #I guess idk

[deityofhearts]

I hate people who think they have a say in what other people do with their own belongings, people can customize their collectors dolls and figurines, people can write in, fold and tear pages out of their books, people can alter their clothes to their own liking and so that they actually fit. people can do whatever the fuck they want with their own shit, why are y’all so mad over something that isn’t and never will be yours?

#deity dialogue #y’all don’t get a say in what other people do with their own shit #it’s so irritating to me to see ppl go ‘you ruined that!!’ ‘how could you do that’ ‘you don’t deserve that item’ #you don’t get a say plus you’re super annoying xoxo #I really wanted the vampire heart draculaura doll (and still do) but if someone completely customized her head to toe guess what! #I wouldn’t care that’s not my doll I don’t own her I don’t own that persons doll #actually I would care id probably watch the video or look at pictures and go ‘that’s so cool!!’ because i think doll customization is cool #I think it’s cool and fun when people do whatever the fuck they want with their own things #y’all are so precious and defensive of others peoples things and it’s weird #like what does this actually have to do with your life that you’re so pressed about it #i will say this however: ruining one of a kind historical items for the sake of it isn’t. great I’m not defending that #you may know what I’m talking about and you may not but I am mad about it still #but this post is about shit that I’d fairly in abundance #like books are printed every day even collectors dolls have enough in existence that it’s stupid to get mad about it #ince you buy a thing it’s yours to do with as you please #if it’s not harmful or hurting anyone why does it matter??

[tanjir0se]

Honestly if any of the commenters on my fics called me one night and told me they needed help hiding a body I would do it for them. Take my credit card while you’re at it, here’s my social security number, I’m in love with you and sucking it sloppy style fyi

#in yknow not a weird way #but genuinely it’s like. not every day that a stranger goes out of their way to say something nice to you #and I dont share any of my writing with anyone IRL because Jesus CHRIST. why would i #but I consider writing to be a talent of mine. I guess. I mean I think I’m ok at it when I try #and to have something that you’re really really proud of but can’t show really anyone close to you #and then have that validated by a stranger? who literally didn’t need to do it? could have just gone about their way #but they took time out of their day to say ‘good job’ it’s just #really nice #and I’m sucking it sloppy style fyi