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ribbed-vault-heart · 1 year

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march 28, 2022 5:22AM

longing for the company of a person who doesnt exist. I dont know if I can explain who. Someone who already knows all about me and loves me for it I guess. I dont know. Im in a state of constant terror and I want safety and security and i cant find it in anything. Im tired of divine missions Im tired of martyrdom and monks and locking myself up in an attic to speak ravings of the gods. I want a quiet meaningless life filled with love and warmth and safety from the endless depths of emptiness. I float tetherless through the vastness of my mind and of life. Im lost. A snail carries its home on its back. Its comfort is only a contortion away. I wish I could do that. I dont know how to console myself. I dont know how to save myself. I dont want to. I want someone else to save me, I want someone else to love me and Ill learn to love myself through the love they have for me. I want to be dependent but I dont have the special other to lean on, grow with and for. But I keep a part of myself carved out for their habitation. I dont think they exist actually. Not to say I dont think people will exist who will love me in parts or know me in parts. I think there will be people like that. But i dont think its possible for someone to know me completely and love me completely. Ive never sat well with the idea of a better half. A soulmate. Its scary in a way. One person who fits into you perfectly? What if you never meet them? What if you meet and dont realize? What if they leave? What if they leave with the parts of you that they love so much? I say I keep a part of myself empty for them but I really do struggle with opening up. Theres the idea that all the openings on your body dont actually count as "inside" you. Stick your hand all the way into my lungs and unless youre a billion little air molecules you havent become me, i havent become you. Pass a quarter through my digestive track and it'll come out unscathed. It can be argued that once the conversion happens, that is when youre inside me. On a molecular level. When your cells mingle with mine. Id say you could get to the point faster. With a stabbing. If you could reach in and feel my blood, that vital fluid, that "divine essence". Id say you got inside me. But the hole Ive burrowed for you is scarred up. You reach in and touch nothing visceral. Its a stupid gesture for an imaginary person. Id grow them if I could but a starving man cannot work a field and Im ready ready to eat. Im getting lost in metaphor again, and the hazy state of my mind. If you've gotten to the end of this and feel understanding and adoration please feel free to find me and stab me. But please dont take your hands from my chest.

#my writing #journal entry that spawned the idea for the comic #i had to look through three journals to figure out where this was #posting mostly for my own benefit #save

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saintshigaraki · 1 month

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I have been frying to understand mother father as genders since they last time you posted 😭

to understand it i feel like you have to have a specific view on gender and what gender is. i think gender has a lot to do with like. interpretation and personal feelings. there is of course, more to gender than man and woman. there are quite a few lesbians out there whose gender identity they often describe as simply 'lesbian.' and to me that makes sense.

now really i would only use 'father' and 'mother' as gender describers in a literary sense. i wouldn't ever apply it to real people nor do i think most real people would use it as a gender describer lol. especially bc when i discuss mother and father characters i really take it to an extreme as im sure you've seen. mother as in smothering love. mother as in martyrdom. mother as in the maker. father as in the hand of god. father as in an unrelenting, violent force. father as in the unmaker.

i dont know how else to describe it, i really wish i could find the post i made on this previously bc i feel like i did a better job explaining it then. really what it all boils down to is i like separating father from man and mother from woman. i like woman who are fathers and men who are mothers. i want to separate these titles from man and woman and make them into what i can best describe as their own subgenders entirely.

#ask

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happer08 · 2 years

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ok one concept: Dom Sid always has high demands on your behavior, but he doesn't mind sometimes you acting like a brat, cause he always has his way of punishing you and making you his good girl.

when you're in a bad mood, he'll take care of you completely, treats you like a precious fragile. he held you in his arms let you cry in his embracement, kept telling you it's ok. he doesn't care that your tears soak through his hoodie. as your emotions subside, he wiped your face with a warm towel, held your cheek with his hands and asked if you're feeling better, kissed your forehead after you nodded slightly, then held you in his arms again.

maybe a comforting cockwarming after that🤔

( baby i wish i could give you a hug now♥)

(i could def use a hug right now)

sid is perfect. like in every way. and you worry about letting him down; he has high demands and you hate to disappoint him. but everyone has a breaking point and somehow you hit yours without even realizing it. that was till you had a meltdown over dropping a box of pasta and it spilling all over the floor of your kitchen after cleaning up from dinner. sid came home whistling some stupid song someone had on in the lockerroom after practice. a night practice, rare but one of sids favorites. "sweetheart im home" he called dumping his keys into the bowl by the front door and toeing out of his shoes. he was met with your sobs, rushing through the house he finds you sitting on the kitchen floor in tears. trying to clean up the mess you made and trying to explain to him it was an accident through your sobs that make no sense. "it's okay baby i promise im not mad, cmere" scooping you into his arms and sitting down with you in his lap, sobbing into his shoulder feeling the tears soaking through his sweatshirt making his skin damp and tacky. rubbing your back so slowly trying to get you to calm down but not forcing you to stop crying. rocking you back and forth kissing your neck and whispering between your sobs. pulling your head away, you face was red and puffy, tears staining your face while your lips shook. "can you talk to me sweetheart?" "i'm so sorry sid i didnt mean to make a mess and have you come home to all of this" "sweetheart, do not apologize okay you didnt do any of this on purpose" sid leaned in and kissed your nose gently. "how about we get you cleaned up and to bed okay?" "i have to clean up the kitchen" "you dont, we can clean it up later together okay" eventually you make your way upstairs, showering together, sis making sure to hold you and talk to you the whole time so you dont slip into a panicked sort of sub drop that happened sometimes when you felt like this. "can we sleep naked tonight sid? i need to feel your skin" "sure honey, anything you need" you'd eventually feel empty and push against sid telling him so and asking him to fix it and the only way he knows how is push into you and hold you, so he does and you finally feel comfortable and calm enough to sleep tucked against the man you loved and who loved you.

#sidney crosby smut #this is like half soft half not #half hurt/comfort and half not #i kinda love it #hes really hot #anon #answered.#sidney crosby #smut #pittsburgh penguins #pens #this is just yk something

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stoic--rose · 1 month

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going to rate all of these spells because they all piss me off to some extent

Conjure Baked Goods one of the better spells in the game, can be good to get a quick boost in cookies if you need to afford something right NOW. the backfire can be pretty rough though. 7/10

Force the Hand of Fate another pretty good spell, pretty pricey but well worth it if you get it to land. the backfire is borderline nonexistent too, since you dont NEED to click the wrath cookie. id say the real downside of the backfire is the hefty chunk of magic you lose. also, not that great for more passive builds where you're using the shimmering veil or the holobore spirit, but great otherwise. 8/10

Stretch Time kind of whatever spell, since it really only works well in conjunction with another spell or golden cookie effects. and even then, it doesn't make them THAT much longer. the backfire can really fuck you up too, if you have a good thing going. still, its affordable, so you're not losing that much by using it. 5/10

Spontaneous Edifice one of the worst spells by far, too many qualifications needed for the good effect, and a pretty bad backfire. plus, in the late game where all your buildings are over 400, it literally does nothing. WAY too expensive, pretty whatever effect (even in the early game where it does work), bad backfire, who gives a shit. 3/10

Haggler's Charm really reaaaally boring spell. 2% is not a lot, as im sure you can imagine. only lasting one minute isn't that big of a downside, since if youre using this you've probably got an upgrade in mind that you want to buy, but 2% cheaper barely makes a difference. i would say 1 hour for the backfire is pretty rough, but like... you're not really buying that many upgrades in the late game. gets a bonus point for referencing loadsamoney in the flavor text though. also really good for getting the A Wizard is You achievement, since it's the cheapest (normal functioning) spell, so another bonus point for that. 5/10

Summon Crafty Pixies has all the issues i listed with Haggler's Charm, but this one is a little more handy since you're usually buying more buildings than you are upgrades. 6/10

Gambler's Fever Dream i will say, i do like this one, if only for the fact that its extremely gimmicky. i like funny gimmicks, ill admit that. still not all that useful, even for getting the A Wizard is You achievement, since even though it's TECHNICALLY the cheapest spell, it could very easily pick Spontaneous Edifice and eat up half your magic bar. 4/10, bonus point for being funny

Resurrect Abomination yaaaaaaawn. who gives a shit man. wrinklers are not that hard to come by, so i don't really need a spell to summon them. nor do i really care if it backfires and i lose one. 3/10

Diminish Ineptitude this one is actually quite good! really it's only good in conjunction with Conjure Baked Goods or Force the Hand of Fate, but still! if it works, great! go for a spell you wanted to use! if it doesn't, just don't use spells for the next 10 minutes! pretty good overall, just wish the other spells were good enough to warrant using it more. 7/10

feel free to let me know how incorrect my opinions are and explain why some of these are actually good because i want to know what situation would warrant any of these

#hilda's junkyard #cookie clicker

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goodfully · 11 months

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okay ive never used tumblr before so i dont really know how posts are typically formatted, however, i do just want to use this mainly to word vomit so! jumbled messy thoughts on brothers karamazov, books five and six:

ive only read up until here so far, but im pretty sure that this is my favorite part of the entire book. the contrast is so insane, i adore dostoevsky. book five was so dense with heavy cynicism and doubt and followed book six being so reassuring and calm. part of me wishes that i was able to read both parts immediately after the other hahaha i also think that anyone that wants to read the brothers karamazov but does not want to read the brick of a book it is, they should read books five and six! just the chapters focused on ivans and zosimas perspective of faith, i mean.

i think that the idea that “the world is so evil, there is no way a benevolent god could have created it” is probably one of the main reasons ive been so unwilling to believe that there is a god, and its one of the main things that ivan was explaining to alyosha in book five. its so hard to accept that any amount of suffering is going to be worth whatever this all is. and yet… my goodness. humanity needs god? whether it is god that created humankind or humankind inventing god out of necessity… and just like ivan, i think ive always believed that believing in god would heal me somehow, that ill finally understand how to be alive as a human being when i do... the need to know what it was all for!

also the sticky little leaves part that ivan said!!! “i want to live, and i do live, even if it be against logic, tho i do not believe in the order of things, still the sticky little leaves that come out in the spring are dear to me, the blue sky is dear to me, whom one loves sometimes, would you believe it, without even knowing why” real real real. and ahh, alyosha responded something like how you can only understand lifes meaning after you love life (before logic)… which makes sense but yk, i always thought it was the opposite, that i had to understand lifes meaning in order to love life and be happy, but it was a very hopeless and sad conclusion. so this made me feel better honestly.

agh… and the whole “grand inquisitor” poem was so dark and insane, it tore me to shreds. i actually dont know what to say, except maybe now i understand why its the most famous chapter in the book.

i adore ivan and i adore alyosha and i adore their relationship. the way they speak to each other with love and respect for the other, even tho they believe in totally opposite things. im not sure about alyosha bc ivan was doing most of the talking, but my impression is that they were searching for answers from the other, they really do love each other. “tho im terribly fond of one russian boy named alyosha” sobs. “i thought, brother, that when i left here id have you, at least, in all the world” cries. “so alyosha, if indeed i hold out for the sticky little leaves, i shall love them only remembering you. its enough for me that you are here somewhere, and i shall not stop wanting to live. is that enough for you? if you wish, you can take it as a declaration of love” weeps.

okay about the zosima chapters… the thing is that even tho i have a lot of thoughts and feelings regarding faith, i am not a religious person, so i do wonder how someone who is christian would feel reading this book. for me tho… reading these chapters somehow made me feel the closest to having faith in anything ever hahaha… i dont think i care more about “gods truth” or anything, but just… i think ive been isolating myself way too much and thinking that everything must be done and figure out how to experience the fullness of life by me alone. and then zosima hits me with a “everywhere now the human mind has begun laughably not to understand that a mans true security lies not in his own solitary effort, but in the general wholeness of humanity.” and i believe that, i do! esp with how much individualism and capitalism stinks up this place. but i forget when it comes to myself i think…

i think my favorite sections from the zosima chapters are the ones about praying, loving, and judging others. uhm i dont pray, altho i think its mainly due to the fact that i do not know how to pray, and its not like zosima explains what praying is like exactly… but his words make me think that its just a very personal thing..? ahh anyway, the lines about love love love. “love man also in his sin, for this likeness of gods love is the height of love on earth” and “if you love each thing, you will perceive the mystery of god in things. once you have perceived it, you will begin tirelessly to perceive more and more of it every day. and you will come at last to love the whole world with an entire, universal love”… lives in my mind constantly now, its crazy its crazy i dont understand why his words mean so much to me. dostoevsky gets me, he really does.

ofc theres so many good lines from zosima, and this one probably isnt that great of a line compared to the many others, but to me at least, i started crying here hahaha it was pretty much at the very end of book six: “but woe to those who have destroyed themselves on earth, woe to the suicides! i think there can be no one unhappier than they. we are told that it is a sin to pray to god for them, and outwardly the church rejects them, as it were, but in the secret of my soul i think that one may pray for them as well. christ will not be angered by love. within myself, all my life, i have prayed for them, i confess it to you, fathers and teachers, and still pray every day.” ahh!!! im not even religious, and tbh ive not felt much when someone tells me they have prayed for me, but… maybe its bc i hate how mentally ill i am and hate how much i self sabotage and destroy myself, but some fictional monastery elder saying that he prays for and loves someone like me??? i cried real tears.

im probably being very dramatic, but after reading the zosima chapters esp towards the end of book six, i felt… so much love? i felt so loved. and yet also somehow guilt for not loving the world enough and not believing in mankind enough. i have to accept the world and of humanity and of myself, and i must love, oh how i must always love! zosimas such unconditional and undifferentiated love is so important to me, i dont know what to do… i think that reading this book has done more for me (regarding faith in the world and everything) than anything else has hahaha. it feels so silly bc im not even halfway done with the book yet and i already feel that this is the most important book ive ever read. its also funny bc you read the little paragraph on the back of the book and the first sentence describing the book is that this is a murder mystery (the actual murder hasnt even happened yet!) hahaha i love this book truly truly.

#reading #the brothers karamazov

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sexisdisgusting · 3 months

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as i was writting i ended up getting a little tmi and wow I actually told you my secrets bc i have never been open about this 😭 so tw // rape, lesbophobia, mysogyny, biphobia maybe? not sure.

hihi! i have a sort of strange question... do you perhaps have any insight about distinguishing between being nervous bc you're scared of men and being nervous bc you're into one 🧍🏻‍♀️?

I've been questioning my sexuality since i got a crush on this woman because the way i feel about her is like stg i never experienced with any man... so i kinda know the answer to that question but i also don't? because i have a hard time interpreting my feelings and im scared im just lying to myself. specially bc i have fantasised about men a lot throughout my life, in an obsessive and harmful way too. it was never about the man in it, it wasn't his body, it was how i could be worth a man's attention if only in my head, i could be the prettiest woman, have my worth. i had to "teach" myself to be ok with dick, bc being het is the normal way, the only way, I've been taught. and i think that contributed to every fantasy being uhm rape, i just couldn't imagine myself being into it bc i know i wouldn't do it, i wouldn't have sex with a man I wouldn't be into it. (🤮🤢 looking back this is all so yuck ew im sorry).

it doesn't help that i have a sort of low libido and am very closed off, so i don't have any experience. i have never been into the male physique (though i certainly tried to), and im pleased with the female physique but it isn't an intense feeling like so many people describe it to be.

so im so confused! is my crush on her the real deal and every other crush i had fake bc i thought it was what a crush was supposed to be ? in the sense that ok im a girl feeling stg for a boy so it MUST be a crush right?! even though i never wanted anything besides friendship... no kissing, no hand holding, no intimacy... but i do want those things with her...

so i get back to my initial question... getting nervous or disgusted or feeling nothing seeing a shirtless man, like specifically shirtless or half naked (ew if his dick is even emphasized through the boxers like im seriously disgusted)... what is the shortness of breath, do you know ?! i feel so stupid asking this but it genuinely makes no sense to me 😭.

specially considering that a lot of het women say they're disgusted by men's bodies? am i just another one, but bisexual?!

feel free to ignore this ! im not even sure you're the right person to ask but you're so sweet answering messages so 🥹🩷 thank you for reading (or not if the tws made u not want to <3)

i am so sorry it took me so long to get back to you, sweetheart! never would i ignore one of my dear anonitas, i love you soooo much

im so sorry about everything youve been through, and thank you so much for entrusting me with your secrets !!!

i dont have much experience with comphet, but i do have experience with performing for the male gaze, and its a truly alienating experience especially when youre unsure if youre even attracted to them, or not

it, like you said for many can become maddening and obsessive at times and can really make you confused as to who you are

i dont want to dictate your sexuality, but it does sound to me that youre more woman-leaning in your attraction, and the male attraction you explain seems to be comphet

i wish i could give you a better answer, but i really do wish nothing but the best for you, my love, and thank you for reaching out to me <3

id be happy if someone could hop in the replies with more experience and help our anonita out!

#asks #anon asks

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romaritimeharbor · 3 months

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honestly, one of my favourite things about the hoyo games is how they deal with immortality, im a sucker for immortal characters who dont enjoy being immortal and vise versa, yknow?

its why baizhu and yaoshi are so interesting to me, especially baizhu. most of the liyue story themes revolve around modernity vs. tradition and mortal life compared to the reclusive adepti, usually (im pretty sure its always?) siding with the former being better. so a character like baizhu, a mortal man desiring immortality is just so cool and i wished they gave enough of a shit to write him better (not that his writing is bad, especially compared to some other characters, but its very obvious the writers couldnt choose between a 'kind doctor' character or a more black jack-esque doctor who can cure anything but is pretty morally gray, especially the 'charging people a bizzare amount of money' thing)

one baizhu moment that i think about constantly is from his story quest where xiao tells him "immortality may not be the blessing that you imagine it to be." and i just wish hoyo could expand on that. like imagine wanting immortality more than anything and then basically being told by an ancient being "its not my buisness but please dont its awful."

(also yeah genshin's worldbuilding sucks so bad lmao, i've played through all of the main story and read alot about the lore and i still barely know What is even going on)

NO IT'S REALLY ONE OF THE COOLEST THINGS!!!!! hyv writing is kind of questionable most of the time but i think they did well in their handling of immortality. it's really fascinating to me.

baizhu wants to attain immortality so bad, to save others, to save changsheng, and maybe to save himself (just throwing that last one on there for fun tbh i think he's way more worried about others; the other potential victims of changsheng's contract if he does not end it asap, changsheng herself, etc). i wonder what he must've felt when xiao outright told him "immortality may not be all that you think it is" LIKE???? this ancient being told you not to do it. but he'll continue doing it anyway. a man who is blinded by his ambition. hmm. and yeah i do agree! but i also hope this particular trait of baizhu's was done for a reason, not just bc the writers couldn't pick between tropes. baizhu was written impressively well compared to some others, so i HOPE it really is there for a reason.

(GLAD I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE BECAUSE I SWEARRR SOMETIMES I HAVE NO CLUE WTF IS GOING ON)

but to add my own little commentary regarding yaoshi bc i never stfu about them: yaoshi is so fascinating to me for so many reasons.

do they know about the consequences of their blessings? if so, did they warn the alliance's ancestors, and did those people just not listen? or... did they not say anything? if so, why? OR do they just not know?

(either way i think the xianzhou's explanation of their history is bullshit. girl why did you all go LOOK FOR THEM and ASK FOR IMMORTALITY and then get mad when they did what you asked....... smh. This is why we can't have good things [<- is biased])

to add onto that last point, are they so all-consumed by abundance that they cannot see beyond their path and cannot even perceive the harm their actions cause? it would be such a fascinating idea, because this would also explain why lan is SOOOO obsessed with them (just say you want to kiss them bro it's ok 😒 /J); if the "aeons are all-consumed by their path" is true, then lan literally cannot do anything BUT hunt yaoshi down. the trailblaze can do nothing but trailblaze, which would explain why they disappeared. They Trailblazed Too Far. but if this were true, then what would this mean for aeons like long?

OR. is yaoshi simply an amoral eldritch being, whose motivations and thought processes cannot be comprehended by mortals? adding to this point, why the fuck does the xianzhou alliance "categorize" the aeons GIRL THEY ARE ELDRITCH DEITIES NONE OF THOSE MFS ARE "GOOD" OR "EVIL" ❗️❗️❗️❗️

#✧— aphe's letters from raymond.

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dylansslutt · 2 years

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moving on 5/ j.m r.c

part five my loves finishing this off and then with the new season might bring it back lol

warnings: violence, obsessive and abusive rafe ,

long awaited i hope you enjoy.

after john b was accused for murder and him and sarah left over seas. things were over the top messy. yet the only sane thing was having jj, he kept everything going for you.

rafe was distant, so not having to deal with him let you breathe. until things got hectic with pope and the return of the thought so dead to be sarah and john b.

during the grief, jj was bad, real bad. you tried to help him cope, keeping on his ass about certain shit. even once leading to a huge arguments, the two of you in tears at the end.

but when his hand cupped your cheek, wiping the fallen tears. eyes boring into yours he knew at that moment. he was deeply inlove with you and there was nothing he could do about it.

“i really think the gods sent me you.” the soft words made you giggle, leaning more so into his touch.

“promise me, you’ll never leave.” you begged hope filling through you. in an instance his lips devoured yours, pulling away moments later.

“after all this shit? you are stuck with me!” he swoops you into his arms, smile spreading across your lips with laughter escaping.

“oh you gotta be jokin’.” sitting up fully feeling panic arise within you. you knew rafe would go this insane. kidnapping you and sarah, but now it all clicked.

ward was the craziest mother fucker out here.

“sarah, please tell me im just high as a kite!” you beg as she watches you in despair, the same thing she feels. yet, the panic in you was... what is going to happen.

after stating you were his and telling jj about it, things shifted. jj was more protective, rafe more distant but eyes always watching you. yet, after everything went crazy things were less worried about, until now.

god you wanted to be sick, wishing this was some sick nightmare.

“hey sweetie.” he spoke soft, your eyes glued onto sarah who looks horrified. why is it everytime they have something going on, im here?

“it’s me. i know this is impossible to you, but i am going to explain-” sarah slaps him across the face, making you snicker softly.

“you’re right, im sorry. i deserve that, i do. i know i do. you have been through hell, and that’s my fault. im sorry i-” he begs but i stand up cutting him off.

“you are literally the most insane fucking person i’ve ever met.” throwing an ‘sorry’ look to my best friend. ward ignores me as sarah plops down on the couch with a horrified look on her face, my heart aching for her.

“i can promise you. i didn’t have any other choice.” he kneels, “i didn’t and i dont expect you to understand that now. all i can do is tell you what happened and answer the questions.”

glaring at the man, “uhh, question? why the fuck am i here? i have a family, life, friends, a boyfriend.” tears well up in my eyes, gaining attention from ward.

“i needed to make sure my family was all together, all together and safe.” ignoring sarahs cries he points at me.

“you have a opportunity for a better life, y/n. not living like those dirty pogues, with my son and with a real future.” you stumble back knees hitting back against the seat, plopping down on top of it.

“oh my god.” sarah makes eye contact with me in horror, tears streaming down both our faces. your heart thumped wildly and you felt numb.

as ward explains how he faked killed himself, you start looking around the room for anything; a way out, a weapon, gun, key. as the conversation starts to end, rafe appears at the door making you freeze.

his eyes glue onto you but shifts over to sarah and ward, “but i had to make sure rafe got away.” me and sarah heads both lift up at that.

“thank you dad.” rafe calls out. oh my god these people are sick, he just covered up his sons murder with faking his own death what the fuck.

“atleast one of us is faithful.” he glares towards sarah, not without glancing to me.

“that’s psychopathic, both of you.” she spat at him. my eyes remains on the boy, his glare sending a horrible feeling over me.

“like father like son,” you mumble as his eyes roam you up and down. holding an emotion you couldn’t decipher. you look around the room to escape his gaze. your stomach twisted, the heat in the room rises.

tears slide down your cheek, staring at the men before you. “i’d rather die, then ever be apart of your sick disgusting family.“ you spat

rafe sighs, walking off as ward just gives me a stern look. you knew sarah didn’t take your words to heart, but you were just kidnapped and offered up as fucking bait.

it’s pretty obvious my emotions right now.

after they left rose came in and sarah came up with a plan to escape, she pushes me first through the door and you dash off. turning back seeing sarah not too far behind, “go! we need to find a phone.”

turning right running down a short hall as sarah heads the opposite way. you quickly come to a dead end, cursing to yourself. turning back towards sarah direction, you come close but freeze.

she got caught, quickly shoving myself behind something to stay hidden you wait. no clue what the fuck to do, you look around able to glance at the ocean, no land, no phone, no nothing.

stress arises through you, “okay, y/n... breathe.”

pushing yourself out, quickly moving towards the complete opposite way. trying to be quiet, you hear wards voice from above. okay sarah and him must be up there, upper level.

turning the hall, you making direct eye contact with rafe. heart dropping in your stomach, you dash around running as fast as you can. stairs that led downstairs was the best option, skipping steps to avoid him.

almost losing him you turn too fast on a corner, hand flying out to stable yourself. instead you grab a burning hot metal pipe, making you scream out in pain.

you trip falling completely back, hand clutched close to your chest. rafe steps out into view. a whimper escapes your lips, trying to scoot back.

“please, rafe.” you were begging at this point, completely terrified. “i-i never wanted to hurt you. im tr-trying to protect you!” he yells over me.

the range of his tone made you shake visibly under me. “protecting me by hurting me? that’s not love rafe!”

his hand grips your foot, yanking you closer, directly under him. “you think you know love? huh y/n? with that pogue boyfriend of yours!”

you go to push him away but you forgot about your hand making you sob. rafe stops for a second, glancing at your hand. “let me see.”

you try to move away but he grips you closer, “ATTENTION!” red lights blare across the boat making rafe distracted. you kick him in the balls before scrambling up and running away.

“fuck!” his voice was heard but you didn’t stop until you found a good spot to hide for a moment. you try to regulate your breathing, but your breathe hitch at the sight of your hand.

it was red and blistered, some skin even completely raw. looking down at your tank top, you rip some of the bottom. looking around you manage to see a small wooden spoon.

placing it between your lips, you wrap your hand as delicately as you can. the speaker was still going off which was weird. when you finished you keep the spoon in your good hand, incase as you head towards the top of the boat.

turning the corner you slam into someone, your eyes lifting to catch the last person you thought you’d see. “john b?”

his arms wrap around you instantly, tears brimming. “i-is sarah with you?”

you nod, “yes, but we got lost. ward has her john b, i think.” he analyzes your face.

“are you okay, y/n. jesus.” he cups your chin softly to look closer, you shrug him off.

“im fine, who is all here?”

“everyone.”

“okay you go find sarah, ill go find jj and them. be safe john b, im serious.” with a final look you both headed in seperate directions.

passing by the main area to see it empty left you confused. yells coming from the other side, made you rush through the halls to stumble out on the side. “kie!” you scream towards her as she looks at you in awe.

running forward you were surprised when the blunt force of a machete connected with your head. falling forward, dizzy as hell you felt arms grasp you.

everything was doubled and your head pounded, but you stood up. held close to jj, you stumble slightly.

“jj watch o-” jj’s bodies thumps forward, flipping you two over the boat. water immediately soaks you, almost inhaling some of it. you push up to the surface, barely able to notice jj upside down.

“jj.” you push him on his back, resting his weight onto you. the light was too bright and you had no energy. “y/n!”

kie quickly helps grab onto jj, you barely able to stay afloat yourself. “i-im so so-sorry.”

the confession that left you broke kie’s heart, “no! no, y/n.” she begs, but your vision started to spot with black dots.

“kie, im scared. i-i cant stay up.” the words escape you as your head dunks under. kie pulls you up but your arm slips out of her grasp, you struggle up to the top once more.

“im so sorry, guys.” she sobs as she struggles, you try to keep afloat but you finally go under.

you felt yourself being dragged out of the water, “come on y/n!” sarah sobs, patting your back. water escaping your lips, along with deep coughs.

“oh my god.” your eyes flicker, trying to adjust to the lights as you were enveloped into a hug. your eyes finally focus on everyone.

“hurry go!”

“he has a gun!”

everything was brought back as your eyes landed on an unconscious jj, you move forward quickly. landing beside him, hands gripping his face.

“jj!” you tap him softly, “come on, baby. w-wake up, okay.” you began to softly sob, a gunshot goes off just as they get the thing to start.

“jj! come on, pl-please dont leave me.” with that he coughs up water making you laugh.

“wassup?”

“oh my god, never do that again.” you fell on top of his chest, relief spreading through you. even in the middle of nowhere you felt safe with him. anywhere.

#jj maybank smut #JJ Imagine #jj maybank #jj maybank fic #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fluff #rafe cameron imagine #rafe x y/n #obx rafe #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #outer banks imagine #barry outer banks

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alexcharmsyou · 8 months

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so tumblr, ive been thinking.

does anyone associate numbers with non-numbers? for instance i see this cat right and im like. this. this is 19 right here. or a candle that smells like 78? i personally have always associated myself with the number 17 and it felt so right when i got to be that age. also do this with colors too. something about numbers and colors just feels so connected.

this has been on my mind for days. (seeing as im constantly trying to read my subconscious and neurodivergencey) but i find this beautiful. i truley believe that the universe is connected, just like colors and sounds and smells. man i wish i could explain this all better dushshd. but when i think about how people think about things like this i cant help but get all excited, its the little things that we dont fully understand, and probably wont ever, that hold so much meaning and theres endless amounts of them to discover:]

this might be messy im super fixated on this idea. and honestly, i dont know if im just creating overdramatized answers to the already known, but i feel like its thoughts like this that help us to not only understand our selfs but humanity as a whole

anyways if you read all that i love you and regardless have a lovley day/night<3

#deep thoughts #the thinker moment #i wrote this half asleep #its always when your half asleep #colors #numbers #everything is connected #ive been pondering abt this for so long that now ive typed it out the thoughts have left #they were just stopping by:)#this leaves another idea-thoughts are like customers fhshshdhsj

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donnerpartyofone · 1 year

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man i hope this isnt weird and i know its a little weird but ive followed you for a while and feel a deep kindred spirit with you. i know its only parasocial and we arent mutuals so its all good but like some of the things you post resonate with me so deeply and you articulate things abt yourself that i also feel abt my self but you articulate them better than i ever could. also we have very similar hair but i usually weird mine buzzed but when it grows out it looks a lot like yours and you rock it in ways i never feel confident enough to do. idk i just saw your post abt being a bad person but not in the ways ppl think you are and thats like something i think to myself all the time like i wish ppl who think im good knew i was bad and ppl who think im bad knew how wrong they were abt the ways im bad. and things youve posted abt being a stupid person and having ppl be like "youre not" resonate too bcuz its like im painfully PAINfully aware of my own stupidity and bumbling thru like but my loved ones dont want me to think that way or acknowledge it but i think there is something truly liberating in knowing i am inherently dumb in a lot of ways and to a lot of things and i have to work harder to live a good life bcuz of it. idk. im doing a bad job of explaining myself here. but anyways. i just wanna say thanks for putting your thoughts on this website for me to follow and keep doing you, bcuz youre doing it great.

Well I hope it's not weird for me to post this, I suppose it is anonymous after all; it feels kind of private to me but also I am also having a freakishly difficult couple of weeks and it was meaningful to hear someone say "I know what you're talking about." (I think you are speaking very clearly btw) I feel like a lot of the rhetoric society uses to address people who have depression is devised by people who don't suffer from it, like there's a lot of language about how "you're not alone" and a lot of idealizing talk about how great the self-denigrating sufferer appears to others, and that's nice and all but it kind of dismisses the individual's own personal experience of themselves. A person is more complex than their need for extra hugs or attention or something, and a person's perception of themselves/experience of having to be with themselves is not contingent on the perceptions of others even if the external impressions are positive. I don't know, I hate to shit on supportive behaviors but a lot of them are basically dismissive of a person's status as the de facto expert on themselves; I don't really think it's ultimately helpful to make people feel like they don't know what they're talking about, about their own selves. It can be maddening actually, and idealizing talk in particular has a way of suggesting that things have to be great for them to be at all acceptable. Which is really oppressive to tell the truth.

Interlude: In grade school my best friend's class had to do this exercise where they made acronyms of of their first names using various personal qualities, and the teachers gave her shit because for the letter A she used Adequate, and they thought this was, like...bad and had to be corrected.

Anyway I have always written very obsessively and I think it's related to wanting to be understood. Which is not the same thing as wanting to be appreciated, or wanting to feel not-alone. I think I just want someone to say they know what I'm talking about, instead of telling flattering lies or suggesting that something is wrong to say or dismissable just because it seems negative or painful. As if discomfort is automatically invalidating. Someone asked me recently if I journal and I laughed because I've done it all my life, and also because I actually have a SACK of journals under my bed, one regular one, one for dreams, one that's about my dysfunctional relationship with money and materials, etc. And then there's my various blogs of course. I have a couple of semi-pro writing projects going too that I hope I get to announce soon. But it's really all about just the fantasy of articulating something so carefully, preferably in ink (or "ink"), that no one can possibly pretend that they don't know what I'm talking about ever again.

It's funny that we wear our hair the same. I used to wear it half-shaved but my hair grows so fast, it gave me a lot of anxiety. But on that note I must say that whatever pictures of me you see are like 1/1000, I find it very hard to take a picture I'm satisfied with and I often just wind up feeling embarrassed, but ultimately I think I'm just trying to fix some positive mental image of myself even though I know we're all different people at different hours of each day. I dunno. Actually it becomes problematic because a couple of people are always telling me how "photogenic" I am and then I'm like WHY DID IT TAKE ME THREE HOURS TO GET THIS ONE SHOT THEN, and they refuse to believe me when I explain how many pictures I throw out. They think they're doing me a big favor by pretending everything is effortless for me. I have especial problems with my hair, probably every picture you see of me was anxiously snapped at some exact moment when it was behaving! So don't worry, I'm having a really hard time with my appearance basically always. Pictures other people take of me are mortifying, and I'm always like FUCK, that's what they think is a good, representative photo of me? Uh oh. Pictures I take of myself are usually taken in an emergency in fleeting, ephemeral moments where I suddenly look ok to myself.

This morning I went to the church where I've been going since February, a beautiful place full of eccentric older people I have fallen a little in love with. Sometimes I'm tempted to actually convert to Catholicism, like maybe that would be the gothest thing I could do, but I know that I will always believe in abortion and the right to suicide and I'm not too sure about hell or the historical Jesus or papal authority. I just really like it in this specific church. This morning one of the oldest ladies who goes on the weekdays like me introduced herself, she was very sweet and she was wearing hoops that were styled like chains, I don't think she realized they were bad bitch earrings, they just looked nice on her. She said it was nice to see "young people" getting involved with the church, and I wanted to tell her I turned 42 last week, but I might still be the youngest person there! When I met some of the other folks last month they told my husband that he looked like Geraldo Rivera, and then remarked that they thought we were too young to be aware of Geraldo. I told them we're old enough, we're just packed in our own oil. Anyway this is my big excuse to post selfies I was struggling with, I feel more conflicted about them these days, but I guess I'm still compelled. Thanks so much for your understanding, and have a good night!

#gpoy #anon #that's not my house #it's my husband preparing to roast weenies for me #long post #star of the sea

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ellilyre · 1 year

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Trans force 141

Just my hcs about their individual transitions ect ect

written by a trans man

Price

he considered himself as a butch lesbian for a long time

a lot of internalized transphobia. (ex "well i would've liked to be a man, but im not. if i can accept that then ppl can stop being delusional")

when in his early 20's he met a girl, and when things started to get 'serious' between them she told him she's trans. He liked her too much already to just brush her off, so he finally allowed himself to ask questions he was asshamed to have...

that night he finally understood a lot of things. that ppl don't usually wish they were born as the other sex, that most girls dont try to masculin themseve, that its ok to feel that way, ect ...

also im not sure how to explain that but he don't actually only like girls : he convinced himself that 'i like being masculin bc im a lesbian'. Figuring out his gender somehow made him take conscious of his repressed attraction to men (dont mind me im projecting)

transition when you're already in the military isn't easy. hrt, coming out, changing uniforms and dorms... That did ended in some verbal/physical abuses, well, it would have happened if Price weren't that badass and ready to fight back til he gets respected.

the only long leaves he personally asked for was to get and heal his top surgery and a hysterectomy

he has always loved the name Johnathan. he doesn't know why but it sound pretty to him. naturally he knew he wanted to be call that

Ghost

when he was still a child he tried to tell his mother about how he wants to be a boy, but she brushed it off, blaming it on his father's abuses (she genuinely meant it)

before he even knows what transidentity is he got himself a v good passing and got everyone treating him like a boy, but he still assumed its more a trauma-respond kind of feeling

when he was about 16yo he learnt about transidentity and- yeah that just made sens

dont ask me how he found hrt but he sure did

before getting into the military he spent a lot of time in gay/queer bars. he didn't really liked these places but it was the only places he could find ppl like him that could somehow help him

when he came back home after years in the military (like in his comic) his transition was fully done. his mother still thoughts it was a trauma-respond, but if it makes her child happier then she accepted it. Tommy called it bullshits and called him slurs, but it went better after he recovedred from drugs. his dad.... well :')

his dad still called him his daughter until his very last breath

he dont have any surgery done. he'd like to but after everything he's been trought, the idea of being put artificially on sleep, especially while knowing ppl are going to do things with his body, sound terrifying to him.

Never uses binders. When its a dysphoria day he uses tape but most of the time he dont bind at all.

Gaz

First of all, this guy has two moms (im not taking criticisms on that), so the hard part of a transition wouldn't be to come out but mostly that he knew ppl would blame it on his mothers

... and yeah, lot of ppl said its bc he dont has a father. But don't worry he never let them talk for long. He almost got expelled from his highschool for beating up a kid being transphobic/homophobic

His moms sometimes said like "why don't you ask the household's man for that ?" And it gaves him such gender euphoria before realizing they use it to makes him do chores without complains

Now it has become a kind of running gag. Whenever they ask him to do something he's like "ohh you need a strong manly alpha man",

I feel like Kyle was the name of the mc of his favorite book as a pre-teen.

The most normal and chill transition out of everyone here : doubted his gender identity, talk about it with his moms, got estrogens blockers, went on t few years later...

ikr this one hc is a bit blend compared to the others here, but tbh i just really love Gaz and i want him to be happy

he also don't bind often. but unlike Ghost he has a small chest and ppl usually assumes its pecs

he dont plan on getting top surgery (not necessary) but wants a phalloplasty

Soap

bro has known he was a boy ever since he left the womb.

when he was a kiddo he was only playing with boys and wore boys clothes and stuffs. ppl were confused ("did the MacTavish also told you they had a babygirl ? bc that's clearly a boy playing with our kiddos")

his (big) family inst closed minded, but theyre from a rather small town in the Highlands and are kinda traditionalists

so yeah theyre a bit confuse but if their child is happier playing with boys, why being dicks about it

he eventually came out in his teen years and his parents were a bit confused but at the same time it... makes sens. like yeah that kid has been like a boy since baby

his family (especially parents) struggled to understand whats the difference between being trangender and a tomboy. theyre not transphobics, the concept just is very strange

the story of how he somehow found hrt is even darker than Ghost's

used to unsafe binde sm im surprise he can still breath

he was on hrt when he entered military, and kinda had to fight to be in the men's dorms, but it worked bc hes a badass

no surgeries done (bc he doesn't want to take long leaves), but he plans to get top and bottoms surgeries somedays

#now that im thinking about it the girl i mentioned with Price can totally be Laswell #they dated for 4 weeks and then broke up bc it didnt worked out although Price was still head over heels for her for like 6 more months #now hes terribly embarassed whenever she brings up the subject #thank you for coming to my transgenders 141 agenda #call of duty mw2 #call of duty modern warfare #john price #johnny soap mactavish #ghost simon riley #kyle gaz garrick #cod headcanons #task force 141

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grampas-attic · 2 years

Text

what this blog is basically all about ig

I Really have no idea how to start this off so let me paint the picture for you; It 1990-something and smart phones dont exist, you come back from school exhausted, fina-fucking-lly, its the weekend. You throw ur bag down and greet your grandparents, since you stay with them when its school session cuz they live closer to the city, and make your way to the attic. You pop in your 'MTV Unplugged in new york - NIRVANA' cassette tape into your walkman, and chill out next to your stack off books, easel with an unfinished painting you started ages ago but could never bring yourself to finish it, too scared to ruin it, used mugs of hot cocoa and coffee you and your brother forgot to take out, and a pile of empty Arizona Green Tea and redbull. You sit by the inner ledge of the window where theres a pillow supporting your back, looking outside. You see your brother just got back, "what a slow walker man", you laugh to yourself. A few later you hear the door slam open and see eric, your brother, waaayy outta breath. "took you long enough" you say, "ya ya i know i know i was late but i got the blockbuster now so lets just watch it" he says. You shrug, as he wheels in the tv with "Dead Poets Society" already beginning to play. " Ahh shit, its already playing!!" eric said disheveled. "Wheres the hot cocoa? WHERES THE HOT COCOA?!", "HEY HEY ERIC CHILL! - i got it, here take yours", you say as you give him his hot chocolate and quiet down to hear the movie. It was practically tradition now, to watch it every fall together in your guys' "loft" that you fight a lot in, but also have a lot of fun in. Later on, when the movie was over, you practice bass while eric practices his drums. And when the sun finally set around 9, you decide to go on a walk alone and have a smoke while wondering "why is the sunset only beautiful during the weekend?".

I don't know if that brought comfort to really anyone and it was a quick type so excuse any mistakes but damn man theres something so authentic in that that makes life feel real in a way. As Trent from Daria once said "Its the warmth of the vinyl", haha but honestly. I dont know how to explain it but your mind doesnt seem to be on pause and mute the whole time mindlessly scrolling and killing your precious time and supressing your thoughts and emotions- which were all guilt of, and one way argue that what i wrote above is also the same thing, a form of escapism; but in actuality, theres this authenticity and warmth to it i wanna blog about. I wanna blog about my experience getting better at bass, cuz yes i do play ;) but i wanna get better. As well as just blogging some cool things i find. As I kinda already hinted at Dead Poet Society is one of my favorite movies ever, I enjoy sunsets but only when im mentally relived enough to realize wtf is going on around me (i really wanna put a dead emoji here but my emoji page just froze on me idk what happened man), I fucking love nirvana and honestly just music of all kind, but i tend to lean more on anything that came out kinda like maybe 70-90, mostly 90s, cuz if feels real and warm in a way, not mass produced or remakes like most things today. Not saying that they didnt have that problem back then they definitely did, just not so much so that the standard is unoriginality and the same fucking bullshit that you just get sooooo tired from. Not saying i dont like certain things from our gen or that i wish i was born then, NO (imagine a dead emoji), our technological advancements rn are so fucking cool man, but its reached a point of life becoming mundane, depressing, and robotic for most; so I dont really know man, maybe it would be cool to have lived in the past, bu we still have our perks ;)

Loads of my favorite movies are also from the 70-90 period but mostly the late 80- early90ish? u know? Like Gia, running on empty, stand by me, my own private idaho, foxfire, girl interrupted, and ik ive said this so many times but DPS! MAN! DEAD POET SOCIETY!! Its a killer movie. & Ive carried out my love for dc and old scooby doo movies like the witchs ghost and alien invasion and mystery inc too even tho its a series, and you know all things spook in a way, yet comforting and remind me of my childhood, til now even tho that could be seen as childish ig but hey... who cares man :)) (im using keyboard faces cuz my emoji bar is still fucking frozen haha)

Anyways if any of that interests you, or you feel any way like this lets follow each and just share cool movies, bands, song, and shit like that and maybe bring a bit of authenticity back into this world while doing that.

Thanks a lot ur really dope if uve read this far and if ur not into what i said then hey man thats cool you dont have to do any of this just dont be rude to anyone on here

hopefully this can kinda be a comfortable place for cool things to be shared by cool people weither by the comments or where ever!

Thanks a ton for reading this far! And ignore all the run ons, spelling, and grammer mistakes man i really couldnt be bothered haha that makes me sound horrible but nah i hope u get what i mean.

Ur so cool and have killer style if your reading this;) ,

Jamie

#dead poets society #dps fandom #the 90s were elite #vinyl #walkman #the witch's ghost #hex girls #kurt cobain #nirvana #warmth of the vinyl #daria #mtv

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noxiatoxia · 1 year

Note

tell me about hikaharukao

ANON IM SORRY THIS TOOK 20000 YEARS TO ANSWER but i've just been staring at it and thinking. how do i respond. because believe it or not this is hard for me to answer.

because i really really like hikaharukao but my view on it is?? so complicated. because okay. i do not like hikaharu. i've made a long ass rant before on why i (respectfully) do not like it and thing narratively they're better as friends. i def get why people like it it's just not for me. and also besides not liking it for Narrative reasons I'm also petty and don't like it on the basis this kinda makes Kaoru alone kjdbehjfbreh (it's anime i'm allowed to be petty) (which is funny because i like kaoharu???? fuck hikaru i guess)

ANYWAYS hikaharukao....... so. ok it's not secret i love hikakao and i've already said i like kaoharu. so let me try to explain how i think hikaharukao works.

(side note hikaharukao is the whole reason this answer on my shipping chart exists)

(MILD NSFW)

Firstly my headcanons for the characters' sexualities n stuff play a big role in this. Haruhi is bisexual/placiosexual + grayromantic, Kaoru is biromantic homosexula, and Hikaru is homoromantic bisexual.

So, the best way I can put it is they are all qpps who fuck sometimes. but like. its mostly hikaru and kaoru doing Unholy things and haruhi is just There sometimes but not really In It (because I headcanon she doesn't like being touched in most cases). she contributes sometimes but it's very hands-off. or at least she'll touch them but they are not allowed to touch her.

as per my headcanon Hikaru is into her sexually but not really romantically and vice versa for Kaoru. altho haruhi is barely a woman as much as she is a man so it gets a Little Confusing there. But it usually goes by those rules.

yeah best way I can put it is that they are a group of bestiiiies with benefits sorta. i dont think they call each other bf/gf so they are mistaken as friends as often as they are lovers. im sure half of the strangers outside of ouran school who know them Haruhi is just dating One Dude who has a wildly different personality depending on the day you catch him.

you could also view this as a "kaoharu + hikakao they are just sharing kaoru" which i think is true in a way. i mean if you throw in a massive hikaharu brotp in there so it's like kaoru/haruhi half-dating, hikaru/haruhi besties, hikaru/kaoru my lawyer has advised me not to say anything further.

but as said haruhi is grayromantic so like she isn't really DATING either of them. it's weird. like i said just a group of bestiiies <3 (also i have a complicated viewing on hikakao in general too so i dont think THEYRE dating either. like this is just "normal" to them)

now you may say "noxia you sound insane" and "noxia what do these labels mean" and also "noxia did i mention you're insane" and yes yes i know. but listen. i have no clue how else to explain it. all i know is i like hikakao but i wish haruhi was there sometimes. also i think haruhi has a great dynamic with both twins and they would watch cinderella together :) kaoru is talking at 100mph and hikaru and haruhi are leaning backwards to blink morse code at each other. they go to the mall later and hikaru and kaoru are fucking it up and haruhi must reign them in like they are dogs. kaoru and haruhi having a very chill thoughtful discussion about some book they read in a bookstore and then hikaru rounds the corner with "they have EVERY warrior cat book here" and kaoru and haruhi are like "omg every single one ?" this is how i view them.

#;noxiatalks2ya #ohshc #hikaharukao #THIS IS THE BEST WAY I CAN PUT IT...

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fictionkinfessions · 2 years

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Collei. Dear. My little leaf. Im so sorry about everything. I genuinely cannot apologize enough for all you were put through. And Im sure there are some versions of you out there who wont give me the time of day, write me off as a terrible father and not hear me out. I can't say its not a fair choice. But.

Just give me a moment.

If I could have changed everything, and kept you alive in doing so, I would have. You were so young. You were our only child to live to 8. Our only child who got to live at all, really. Even though you were incredibly ill. Your mother and I worked so hard to try and find SOMEONE who was willing to treat you. But. Well- You know.

The fatui was our only option. It was a terrible option and we didnt trust it but we were desperate to keep our child, you, alive. It was this, or watch another child die. Stuck between a rock and a hard place as they say. Of course I know now they had alternative motives for why they were willing to treat you. It wasnt hard to figure it out not long after back then too.

Despite all of that your mother and I were dragged into being their soldiers. To "repay them for their generous medical care". When they wouldnt even tell us where you were, or how you were doing.

The work killed your mother, I doubt you would remember because of your age, but she was ill like you. Just not nearly as bad. I suppose thats where you got it from. She was declining for quite some time, it wasnt a surprise that getting the news you died did her in. I tried so hard to convince her they were lying. I convinced myself they were. Im still glad I did. Because I was right. But your mother never did like to believe in uncanny fantasies.

I wish I could have head out right then. I wish I could have told the fatui I was done and walked out the door to go find you immediately. I had a promise to fulfill. Even if it ment we'd meet again with you in a body bag I didnt care. I wanted to see my daughter again. But I couldnt get out. Not for several more years. The fatui are.. surprisingly good at keeping an eye on their soldiers. But I didnt give up trying and it worked eventually. I got out. Just like you did.

It was a long road to finding you. It was never going to be easy. A single old faded picture of you was all I had to help my search. That and a small spark of hope that the regions outside of Sumeru wouldn't have turned you away.

I'm so grateful I made it to mondstadt. And ran into Amber. That outrider sure does know how to do her job. She knew exactly who I was looking for from seeing the picture, didnt even tell her your name. She cared about you a lot. I'm glad you made some life long friends. Though I dont think I'll ever forget her face when Jean pointed out the possible malice in our seperation. Explaining my story to them wasnt something I wanted to do. But I had to if I were going to find you.

I shouldn't have been surprised really, from your perspective it likely did look like abandonment. I wouldn't have doubted for a second if the Fatui told you thats what it was to. But I promise you Collei. I never abandoned you. Your mother and I were lied to, and used for the fatuis goals just like you were (well not exactly like you, but you get my point Im sure).

I wish I couldve taken it back. But. I really cant. Not when I know you wouldn't have made it to 9 if we didn't beg the fatui for help. But Im not sure how much better a decade of seperation is.

But you were alive. You found happiness. And I am so proud of how much you've grown.

And hey at least this go around I can say all of this without breaking down into tears, right? Not that cool of your old man to cry that hard in front of his daughter as soon as he finds her.

~Collei's father. I believe my name was Malyk? 🕯♟ (Source is Genshin Impact)

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #genshinimpactkin #malykkin #colleisfatherkin #seekin #chara love #mod party cat!#wars cw #apology

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