#i wanted to make a proper parallel but it was too long and i don't have the time now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sharonisthebettercarter · 8 days

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billy butcher and addiction--

felt there's a need for a good and proper analysis for this fucker (as well as i can manage, maybe throw in a bit of a rant on poor fandom etiquette, 'three laws of fandom' are an oldie but a goodie lol) so here we go i guess--

i wanna start by saying this is a full scope character deep dive (sortaish?? best i can do take it or leave it--lol i might go further in depth on specific scenes or whatnot later, i'm longwinded but i'm tryin' to condense as best i can for this, aaaaaaaaaaand long long post ahead--) that def includes elements solidly confirmed in dear becky and probably leans more on comics billy overall, but def does intertwine and interlock with show billy (as they are essentially the same, garth ennis' own words went something like 'he's a perfect billy butcher' lol)

i'll try to avoid spoilers (??) for the most part like dear becky, but there are some things that may need more context (there is quite a bit of in the show that works well enough to represent anyway but i guess we'll see how this goes, i may end up talking more about the show elements and how they parallel with comics billy anyway)

i also think it's worth mentioning that there's a lot to billy (especially in the comic) i feel fandom either ignores, dismisses or doesn't want to acknowledge, or just doesn't notice.

whether from personal bias/prejudice, desire (fitting billy into that 'alpha's alpha' toxic masculinity 'dom top' fever dream 'mold' so to speak, probably--no, definitely the *worst* way to interpret and easiest way bungle up his character, it completely misses the fact that billy has built *that* 'daddy approved' version of himself as a *facade* to *hide* his own shame and insecurity, and he is *so* much more complex than that nonsense (and genuinely uncomfortable and unhappy being that way-beyond the subtle guilt of a constant high). can we talk about the ways in which fandoms promote and perpetuate toxic masculinity--what, no time we'll be here all week?? oh, okay. jesus fucking christ that is exactly as bad if not worse than the maga chud interpretation and unironic worship of homelander--), lack of personal experience/familiarity, understanding--fuck it, even lack of education in media analysis or reading comprehension (if not both), and *especially* being pro-censorship/americentric/*stuck* with purity culture blinders (or even some part of them lingering)

all of those can def make media (and characters like billy) that isn't 'cookie cutter america-approved' fairly difficult to understand or accept (i guess??)

i've seen so much listed to hell and back in attempts to describe comics billy. 'he's a piece of shit' *YES*. 'he's just wish fulfillment for the author's hatred of superheroes' *no*??? let me not get into the complete hypocrisy of someone who writes or enjoys fanfic--the epitome of *wish fulfilment*--unironically complaining about other authors doing this and thinking it's a legit complaint. how does *anyone* read the entire story and come to *that* conclusion???

did you even bother reading the comic? no, i don't mean glossing over it with a completely closed mind while actively ignoring and dismissing everything important put in front of you and designed to make you think because the blood and guts or other is too distracting apparently, i mean *actually* reading it thoroughly and making an effort to think about what's being presented and why, waiting for the drop *instead* of jumping to judge (as is the american way)

and to some degree, i get it. i wouldn't say this comic is the easiest to digest (especially if completely unfamiliar with many of the themes presented, even the show has sparked some ass takes and interpretations) there's also plenty of common misconceptions, one in particular about garth ennis 'hating' superheroes. this is actually not true, what he hates is how the superhero *genre* has bottlenecked the comics industry and what is more likely to see success in it (and as a fellow creative, i completely understand how frustrating that would be, his main interest is actually war stories)

it's def one thing to say, 'nah, i don't vibe with the style' or 'it's not really for me/my taste but it's fine if others like it', i get that, satire and horror aren't for everyone. honest critique is fair even.

but it is a whole 'nother thing entirely to pretend your own personal tastes are *the only 'correct' creative law* and then *vehemently* oppose or hate something an artist created and denounce, harass, or fuck--dehumanize the people who enjoy it, if not the artists who work(ed) on it.

i'm sorry, this is a tangent cause it's def not limited to the hate the boys comics or ennis gets *at all*, it's especially prevalent in *literal* kids media like teen titans go where the thing in question is simply put--*NOT MADE FOR THE SHITHEADS NONSTOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT* when they can literally, *LITERALLY* just *accept* that they weren't the *target audience* and move the fuck on with their day, happy as can be. *instead* of shitting on something *or the people who like it* to make literal *children* or other people feel bad about liking it.

it's one thing to try and educate people or have discourse and discussion, it is another entirely to *bully* them over something so *stupid* as *fiction*.

i especially have a problem with this shit when i have *several* artists tell me that they don't feel *safe* or *welcome* being themselves, liking or creating what *they* want to make in a fandom *because* of the fandom attitude and normalization of *hate* within that fandom.

i *thought* fandoms were supposed to be about *love* so what the fuck is this human tribalist false dichotomy bullshit??

and of course, that's not always the case. there is also an unbelievable level of respect that is given to fanartists and fanfiction writers, and that is *beautiful*. 'don't like, don't read'. *PERFECT*. curate your own content, complain or rant in your own spaces--you're entitled to an opinion, but *accept* that it still has a right to exist and other people still have a right to love it (and aren't wrong for that, opinions cannot be objective), *even if you don't like it*. just don't engage then, it's that simple.

now extend that level of courtesy to the people, artists and writers in the industry.

no, i'm not trying to shut down criticism of media, proper critique is how we learn and grow and understand better and in turn *create* better. yes, they can fumble the fucking bag too, especially when adapting something from a source material and--like *some* fanfic writers out there--think they can do it 'way better'.

but the people in the industry? who bend over backwards, going on strike in some cases, breaking their necks to work on and create the things that we *love* and latch onto?

they're people too. and whether the thing they make goes *exactly* how we want or not, however you feel about the money in the entertainment industry (which they see barely a dime of if those fucking strikes and constant mistreatment are any indication), they don't deserve to be treated like scabs.

that mentality of 'not my personal taste = universally bad' and 'anyone who disagrees with my opinion is wrong' is fucking gross and *extremely elitist*, just straight up announcing how pretentious, obtuse, willfully arrogant and ignorant, and *lacking in self awareness*--the number one easiest way to be the *shittiest* kind of artist/writer/critic--you are. it is *exactly* like cishet white men complaining about something being 'bad' because it's 'woke' or has anything *besides* a cishet white man for the protagonist.

*god forbid something isn't tailor made specifically for them.*

swear to gawd, i got a list of different bullshit and circle jerking i've seen all across different fandoms for different reasons. no i'm not mad at any one person in particular, just a little salty from recurring problems and gatekeeping (ghoulfucking-GHOULFUCKING OF ALL THINGS I--I CANNOT) if not straight up bullying (does it really make a bitch feel *so* much better to try and hurt other people for liking what they, and let's be honest, are not willing to give the time of day?) in fandoms. (the complete audacity of people to complain about a media being 'childish' or 'bad' because 'insert nonsensical trivial bullshit here that holds no weight because it's personal taste if not flat out wrong and not actual critique' and then turn around and throw the biggest fucking tantrums about it--let me not get into the whole sharon carter debacle jesus christ--)

same shit. different pile.

also, fuck me. i keep *forgetting* that genuinely valid critique (*not* personal taste/opinion, proper critique pertains to things like techniques used, composition, narrative consistency and plot holes, goals of the artist/writer, accomplishments of those goals, etc.) is something that needs proper education and understanding all on its own which not a whole ton of people get or even know, which just goes to show--i'm a dumbass too. (but i won't deny that plenty of 'critics' are full of shit and *know* this but use their 'personal taste' as 'critique' *anyway* because... they enjoy being complete assholes and discouraging other artists i guess.)

y'all, take a class or two in art critique and literature analysis. you'll learn all the cool lingo (to later forget if you're like me~), and maybe (hopefully) walk out with a bit more of an open mind wanting to encourage more art in the world, even if you don't personally like it. take a moment to *listen* to differing opinions in their *entirety* and you might even gain a new perspective.

*no one* should be ashamed to ask questions or admit they don't know or understand something and fuck the people that would make you feel that way. *we can and should help each other.*

but stagnant or hostile fandoms with no self awareness and perpetuated elitism circle jerks? *really* fucking shameful, regardless of the form or where they are.

ANYWHO--

ugh, fuck. okay. i think i'm done with that tangent, back on topic--

BILLY BEAN~<3

and i want to reiterate that *again*, dear becky *does* confirm pretty much everything i'm going to discuss here tho technically speaking, nothing is spoiled here as it's just reiterating what is implicit (if not stated outright) throughout the series.

as far as dear becky goes, it's a good final gut-wrenching piece to the series and i loved it, but it definitely leaned on more of 'tell' instead of 'show, don't tell' (no duh in context, but probably because the rest of the comic did the 'show'--very well imo but it still flew over peoples' heads and made them misplace their brains--i'm sorry, i've just lost so much patience for the lack of reading comprehension and media literacy, but honestly? ennis is genuinely too good at knowing how to spark a strong emotional reaction in readers. and can we talk about the dense mofos that *make* authors have to 'tell' just to confirm something that is heavily implied--what, no time? oh, fuck, fine.)

OKAY--

addiction.

what about it, and why am i mentioning it. well. because if it's not clear by now, william butcher is an addict.

and it is one of, if not the core element that drives him to do what he does.

not becky or becca. not justice.

addiction.

and i don't mean traditional substance abuse (though he admits there has been as much in his life, especially with alcohol, his drug of choice is a bit more complex and maybe not so easy to spot on the surface for those unfamiliar with addiction).

in the show, we even see him mention that he's 'done 'em all' and there's *nothing* like temp v--and it's because temp v *amplifies* his *addiction* to the highest level it could exist on.

something else to note, there's a ton of stigma and widespread (ableist) misconception surrounding addiction still (which may be part of why people may not want to recognize it in billy), but it is absolutely a clinical mental disorder and people who suffer from it should be treated as *medical patients*, not reduced to violent criminals and scumbags. (fuck you drug war and prohibition, you are the root of organized crime and you're racist as shit.) it's also possible to become addicted to *anything*. and i mean *anything*.

if you can repeat a behavior and your brain no longer cares whether or not that behavior is causing you harm because there is a *compulsive* urge for that *repetition* or a specific result from it? that is addiction. money, anger, pain, violence, self harm, attention, love...

you'd think the last one might be okay, but it's not. it's an easy way to get caught in the infinite loop of an abusive relationship, just with promise of it. no delivery necessary.

but it doesn't have to be drugs that cause addiction. hell, gambling addiction is a thing all it's own that can get *incredibly* severe.

and listen, too much of *anything* can be horrible for you. fucking coconut will give you the runs if you eat too much that shit is *not* fun pun intended--

i digress.

in billy's case? he's actually addicted to two i just listed.

violence. and self harm.

i mentioned before that what drives billy has next to nothing to do with what happened to becky or becca.

there's a common misconception that, at the end of the day, billy does have some level of good intent behind his actions, and to a degree this is true in the *complete reverse* of what people often assume, and this is proven repeatedly in both the show (with just what we have seen) and comic (where its laid out too heavily to ignore).

setting aside the fact that there's *never* a good 'rEaSoN' to commit or even attempt *genocide* (EVER. i have ZERO patience for the constant apologism of this bullshit, SWEAR TO GAWD FANDUMB--) and billy's genocidal tendencies on their own, the idea that 'he goes after homelander for becca' or 'justice' has been completely debunked.

'justice is not vengeance'

something to always keep in mind.

but... in the first season? hughie called him out on this.

butcher calls him a 'disgrace to robin's memory', and hughie--bless his little heart, responds with 'i think i'm doing this *for* her.'

it's an interesting response, because hughie is essentially saying--

'you'll *die* for this woman, but that's not what she would have wanted. i'm going to *live* for robin, and for *annie*, because *that's* what she would have wanted.'

and he's absolutely right. billy loved becca, would have died for her. but he refuses to listen and *live* for her.

the group therapist too even before hughie. she literally laid it all out, front and center in the clearest way possible, 'it's a defense mechanism', and then butcher had his little meltdown just before telling hughie about becca, everything he can, including *using* other peoples tragedies and his own *specifically* to manipulate hughie and try and make sure *starlight* can't *save* him from what butcher is trying to turn him into.

*so that hughie stays stuck on his reason to die, instead of finding one to live.*

in the second season, *becca* herself calls him out on this, multiple times.

'you put me on this pedestal but i never knew how to save you'.

'--i didn't come to you, i went to vought--.'

and that's just it, becca (and becky in the comic) is *intimately* familiar with billy's *addiction* and the underlying mental health issues he *wouldn't address*. she didn't tell him what happened even after the shock of it because she *knew* that it would just become a reason for billy to *give in* and be his worst self to a degree where she would *lose him* regardless of what she felt or asked for from him.

she felt she had to *suffer in silence* to *protect him* from *himself*, something that ends up *destroying* her.

becca wanted to *save* billy, but more importantly, she wanted *him* to *save himself* because she *believed in him*, *so much*.

'i never wanted that for you.'

she doesn't want billy to drown and suffer or cause harm in his own hatred and addictions. she *loved* him so much so, that she was willing to *drown herself* if it meant she could save *him*. she loved him *too much*.

billy's mum too, even tries to help in her own way. (she is much less aware of billy's activity in the comic, but we'll come back to her. for the show, this was likely in response to seeing the news about *stillwell*, something his dad fucking *praised* him for)

'--that he wouldn't have this hold on you--'

billy's actions are almost entirely driven by the *addiction* his father forced on him. on doing the things that would make his 'daddy' *proud*. and the thing is, he's *fully aware* of this.

he constantly *says* that *becca* is his 'reason', that she was his *cure*, but she's the *excuse*. his *new addiction* and *self medication* (also billy, you fucking cunt you *know* what you do and have no leg to stand on when it comes to self medicating--)

both in the worst of what he does and his rejection of addressing his own traumas, and she is *unwilling* in this endeavor. she never wanted this hate to consume him, she never wanted all of this death with her name as the signature, *she never wanted billy to be his father*, much less be something much worse.

he even admits as much in the third season when he hallucinates lenny who tells him his actions would 'break becca's heart'

billy responds something along the lines of 'becca's dead, it doesn't matter what she thinks'. (a line presented in the comic even more harshly, but it drives the point home perfectly.)

when he sees lenny again in his nightmare--

'i'm not that bastard--.'

'come off it billy, you always have been. cause anyone who's ever loved you, you end up gettin' 'em killed, don't ya--.'

'--the last person on god's green earth tryin' to stop you from bein' a monster, and what do you do? drag him down to your level... when he dies... and he will... then no can stop you.'

OOF OUCH OWIE--. the lenny stuff hits so damn hard but it represents *perfectly* what butcher's own *internalized beliefs* are.

mallory calls him out on it literally every season.

'--but billy! not the others!'

'it's like asking a cockroach to not be a cockroach--'

'--because it wouldn't stop with just homelander--'

'this was never about ryan or becca, it was always selfish. the hate inside that you want to let loose on the world.'

'--i was wrong... you are your father, always have been...'

and then there's billy's subsequent impulsive reaction to push ryan away, and *be his father*.

but hell, even in gen v when mallory is speaking to shetty.

and truthfully, billy was even showing *withdrawal* symptoms at the beginning of the third season.

billy himself, even *self punishes*, picking fights he knows he *won't* win as a way to counterbalance *and* satisfy his own addiction, infinite loop. vicious cycle.. (ooh i will def be coming back to the big one here--), and we see this in one *HUGE* way, and in many many smaller ways, but even in the more literal sense of going to bars, starting trouble, and laughing or smiling when he's getting beat the fuck up or *losing*.

it's even highlighted in the show, billy *seeking out violence* and conflict whether he should or not, *especially* when unnecessary. getting his own face busted up and smiling because of it is something that happens multiple times in the comic (even on accident in one instance), and is def given a place in the show. it's easy to pass off as billy simply being a masochist (which is def true lmao he does admit as much), but there's also more to it than that and it goes hand in hand with his *addiction* and--

what he thinks he deserves.

billy *hates himself* so *severely* that he actually *does not believe* that he is capable of the *good* that others, such as lenny, becca, his mum, and hughie are willing to *see* in him. he *completely* believes it when others say that 'he is his father' (internalizes it, struggles with it, and frequently acts on it).

he puts on a show. bravado, posture, and 'confidence'. and he's so good at putting on that front, that he can fool himself, even for a moment. and those that believe it will even *enable* him. and the people he feels *nothing* for? again, he maintains the front. he lives his life *masking*, *faking it*--so fucking hard. homelander could never--

and it's not even necessarily the result of toxic masculinity. don't get me wrong, he def has some issues with that lingering (y'all, if you have *say* you're an 'alpha' and posture out your sweet little ass off 24/7, you're def *not* an 'alpha' lmfao), but it's more so his own *trauma* that forces him to *cling* to that.

but when he *loves*, and he loves *deeply*, he completely rolls over and shows his belly like a kitten<3... when he was with becky, he was happy and comfortable, and all of that *ridiculousness* just melted away completely... he didn't feel any need for it because he felt *safe*, because this constant *insecurity* and feeling of being *threatened* all the damn time looming overhead had suddenly cleared up with becky there.

it's not even so much that billy doesn't feel fear. he might not traditionally (at all if his amygdala is damaged), but considering the fight or flight response, billy's *default* setting literally *is* that *fight* response. he's the way he is because he is *always* afraid and he's been conditioned for it to manifest itself as *rage*.

we see bits of his love come through in a few moments he has with people he has genuine care for. (the way he loves his mum and she instantly calms him down is genuinely so sweet.)

but it's always gonna come back down to 'daddy dearest'.

because of him, *billy is afraid of living*.

and--

his father. *is proud of him*.

billy is *just like him* or *everything he wanted to be* as a *man*, or at least is compelled to *project* this on the surface. and everything in *billy* that *is* his father, *just like him*, is *everything* that billy *hates*. so it manifests into an *intense* self loathing and spiraled addiction that magnifies the worst of what his father *forced* on him.

he *doesn't want* to be *his father*, but he feels, and fully believes that *he already is*. his self hatred is another form of *hating his father*, because *he is that man's legacy*.

so *billy* doesn't *believe* that he deserves love or goodness or care from other people (a parallel we see in homelander, presented a bit differently.) so he 'doesn't care'. makes excuses to not care (about people in general, if not just the very *prominent* antisocial tendencies), or leave, or push them away, lashing out to give *them* the excuse to leave him, because he is *afraid* and in his own mind, *unworthy*.

he's *afraid* of being loved, of *losing* that love, of *hurting* those he loves. he is *afraid* of being his own father.

but it's all he's ever known, all he's ever been *conditioned* to be. intoxicated, ever present, it's this terrible thing that destroys him but he *can't* stop. *addiction*.

and what better way to protect those he loves than to keep himself as *far* away from them as possible? than to *make* them hate him. than to do the *wrong* thing, to *disappoint* them. self sabotage. self punishment.

he can't stop himself. he deserves it.

lather, rinse, repeat.

so what does that mean for homelander, or even the reason he goes after homelander? the *real* reason.

'there must be *some* good in him because homelander 'must be' this 'ultimate evil that *must* be stopped', right?

not really. he's a symptom of a much greater evil, but he was never the root of it. if billy really wanted to solve the problems at hand and get *justice*, he'd go after *vought*, NOT homelander.

homelander is not even the real villain in *billy's* mind, in all actuality.

what homelander *is*?

temptation.

he is... the *ultimate* final high for billy. in terms of addiction to both *violence* and *self punishment*.

he doesn't actually go after homelander because he wants to 'stop him' or even kill him. not really. there are times billy starts a fight *expecting* to *lose*, *wanting* it. homelander *is* one of those times to the most intense degree that billy could find. and he even senses this when they first meet--unnecessarily, privately insulting the man because why?

because he feels *threatened*. because he feels *insecure*. because if homelander is *truly good*, even with *all that power*--

then billy has no fucking excuse--

it is, in essence, the same exact reaction that lex luthor has to superman. forcing himself to *challenge* him because of a *constant* sense of *fear*. (except lex *is* afraid of dying, so 1000% a huge coward lmao--)

but~, when he finds out homelander is *bad*?

homelander is billy's *failsafe*

to stop the person he feels is the most terrible evil of all *and* to set the world on fire in the process. a way for billy to kill two birds with one stone. compelled by his addiction to *chase* this ideation relentlessly.

homelander is to billy--his ultimate end, self punishment, a death wish, a *suicide attempt*.

and a way to *unleash his hatred onto the rest of the world*, *to make it burn*, even after his death. (this would be why despite many many MANY warnings to *not* push homelander *because of the catastrophe this will ultimately instigate and the loss of life this is bound to result in*--billy does not give a shit about the potential consequences. he welcomes them--)

if homelander were a *nuke*, billy would want to *launch* him. right now, homie is more like the *demon core*, incredibly dangerous and in some instances lethal, but not *yet* explosive.

billy *wants* the *warhead*.

it was why he got *so excited* at the *chance* of homelander offering him 'scorched earth'.

the man read billy like an open fucking book, and set the bait--

y'all, in other words, homie straight up went to billy's house and offered *crack* to the *crack addict*--fuck yeah he's gonna take that offer!

homelander never actually perceives billy as a real threat *at all* (safe to say, this is the main reason he doesn't kill him. there's a bit of personal complex combined with the deals/blackmail/request involved, but this would also be why he doesn't *hesitate* to 'kill' billy at herogasm. he genuinely gives no fucks about this poor man or his many anal complexes and daddy issues beyond the mild entertainment he gets from him and just how *easy* it is to read billy or rile him up. maybe a *dash* of novelty being found in billy's obsession with him. i'll go into the homie side of things in depth maybe someday soon lol but for now--)

and here's the thing, homelander isn't the *only* failsafe. he is simply the *ultimate failsafe*

included in all the possible bad habits billy has is pawning off his *responsibility* and personal accountability, even his *will to do good* onto others.

i mentioned before that becca (becky) was like a new addiction for him. and she was. in a sense, billy was using her to self medicate. she loved him, gave him love and made him feel good, no pain, no shame--but also no pause to think about that pain, self hatred and self doubt and actively address it. she was a way to not worry about his own *goodness* because she was an *easy* reason for him to *want* to be good.

and something important to note?

billy feels that he has *cheated* on becca/becky *since* the day she left/died. (there's a whole ass deliciously intricate story there but i'm trying to avoid the spoilers lmao. kind of a freebie hint i guess.)

lenny and hughie similarly make an effort to *hold butcher back* and reach out to him. (everyone does honestly, but not everyone is so successful with it). and butcher lets them, but *also* removes the agency of his own choice in the matter.

he doesn't just *let them* make him *good*, he doesn't believe he's capable of stopping himself on his own--but he believes in *them* because they *are* good, *truly good*.

hughie all on his own is *another kind of failsafe* and lo and behold, even calls butcher out on this by the end of the third season (theme is prevalent in the comic a lil different but again spoilers lol):

'i don't think you want to do this. i think you want me to stop you.'

*ding*ding*ding*!

nail on the head, hughie... butcher does not believe he can stop himself. so he sets up *failsafes* to do as much.

and let me just say, it is *unbelievably* shitty of him to do that, to pawn off the responsibility of his own behavior, whether good or pure evil onto other people. but i get it. and it fucking breaks my heart for him.

because *that* is addiction. it feels like mind control. aggressive compulsion. you feel ashamed, and hate yourself, and don't care if you hurt yourself or even others. but you keep *hoping*, *wishing*, *leaving a breadcrumb trail* so that *someone*, *anyone*, will come along and--

*save you. from you.*

and when you stop believing in yourself, in your own willpower to fight against this *thing* that just completely *destroys* you from the inside out... without *anyone* on your side, what else is left to do but to numb the pain?

i was able to recognize billy's addiction right off the bat because i've *been* to a lot of the places he has been. including the addiction. and he makes me so *fucking* mad because it's like seeing a version of myself *still stuck*, *still lost*, *still trapped* by my own issues and self loathing, and all of the abuse i've gone through--

and the biggest fuck up, the biggest *abuser* is me.

i can't *escape* me. *no one* can escape *themself*.

that fucker breaks my heart to pieces because *i have been there*, and i know just how fucking hard it is to *be* there, just how much harder it is to *get out* and start to *learn*--*who is it you really wanna be? who are you without this drug?*

and something he even says in the comics on a few occasions is--

'i'm not really here, i'm somewhere else watching this happen'

asserting that he *truly* believes that he has *no control* over *what* he is. (in contrast with homelander, who feels the weight of something similar but more literally in some regard, and in relation to so many other aspects in his life with the world around him.)

billy butcher *is* the *true villain* of *his own story*

of his own making.

he's not after homelander or even vought. he doesn't blame society or even his father at this point. he blames himself. and he's *given up* entirely on fighting himself. he's looking for his *overdose*.

*that's homelander*

ain't that a kick in the head...

it's part of what makes their relationship and dynamic so incredibly electric and titillating. it's got nothing to do with becca or becky.

butcher sees homelander as an easy way out. as a way to control the narrative, *maintain his own*, and *stop the bad guy* without bringing someone *good*, like *hughie*, down to his level.

he *sees* the parallels, a kindred spirit. he *knows* the potential. and he wants to be the *spark* to light all that *gasoline*.

because then it won't be his fault anymore. his *guilt*. he'll have passed on his *curse*.

likewise, he actually goes after supes in general for a similar enough reason, and it ties in with why he *doesn't* go after vought directly.

billy actually *likes* the status quo. to a degree, *needs* it, *needs vought*

because *vought* is the *creator* of his *supply*, feeding this addiction. and we hear billy say this in both the comic and show--

'with great power comes the absolute certainty that you'll turn into a right cunt.'

and billy actually believes this--about himself.

when he says it about other supes and even his intense hatred of them, it is a *projection* of his own issues and what he believes to be true for himself (that he would do the absolute worst thing imaginable given the opportunity). and in a way, going after them is in some ways a metaphor for stopping and destroying himself, hating himself, as much as it is a way to maintain his addiction.

and--

maintain the narrative he has built--that he is the true villain.

and if that's the case, well... it takes a *hero* to stop a *villain*, right?

but also--y'all remember that scene in the suicide squad where polkadot man imagines everyone as his mum? how he imagines starro as his mum?

yeah, that.

that's basically billy. every fucking supe, including starlight, and kimiko, and let's *really* not talk about what this means about him sleeping with maeve in context with his 'supe=daddy' issues, but even the person he sees in the mirror. *all of them* are *his father*.

listen, i'm not kidding. billy's daddy issues are seriously severe, so fucking bad, i--

his actions aren't for becca or becky or ryan or justice. even he *knows* that's bullshit and admits as much (which just makes fandom denying it that much more fucked). but they're not even *just because* or because he's genocidal, antisocial, or anything else. he *does* want someone to stop him. he's sane enough to recognize his actions for what they truly are *behind* the mask.

billy's actions are a volatile and violent *cry for help*, because he never learned how to *ask*, or even how to *believe in himself*.

he never truly learned that *he never had to be his father*, and he didn't *need* becky or becca, lenny or hughie to *be good*.

i actually think billy's greatest magic trick is convincing even the audience and readers that he is a *total*, complete piece of shit. and don't get me wrong, he is *def* a huge, massive, incredibly rank and ripe piece of shit--.

and y'all, i'm sorry if you believed him and got played like a damn fiddle, him and homie def throwin' in some hard balls--

but he's also still human. he also still needs just as much if, honestly? maybe even more, fucking *help* than homelander. which kind of draws back into their parallels. the tomfoolery of fandom might have you believe that billy is less complex or more put together than homelander, but their situations go hand in hand and the evidence suggests (if not confirms) something quite different.

billy's plight and even goal in some sense is *convincing the rest of his world that he is a monster*. driven by the addiction his father gave him. enabled by the world around him.

homelander's? it's actually the complete opposite. his struggle is with *his world convincing him that he is a monster*, and in turn, against his own instincts, *growing* into that role. when in reality, he never got the chance to decide for himself, it was decided *for* him a long long time ago.

'i think, therefore i am.'

'i can, therefore i must.'

however, *our actions cannot define who we are, because we can choose our actions*. good or bad are not something you inherently *are*, they are something you *choose to do*.

it paints what in turn becomes quite the brutal and tragic picture when these two forces meet. homelander and billy are both of the mindset that they *don't have a choice*.

and this bit is a bit more of a personal thought, but regarding billy's mum, she was *becky*. she was sweet, and kind, and cared for her family more than anything. *it didn't matter what she suffered, she was willing to drown if it meant saving the people she loved*.

as much as i adore how cute becca and billy were, i don't think she would have saved him.

i think the implication is that she would have either 'drowned' trying and become his mum, history repeating itself in a vicious cycle as billy spread his disease to any child they could have.

or that she would have lost her mind. and in turn *become* the person billy spread his disease to, if not another enabler for him. if not billy's choice of drug, maybe she would have taken up something else and eventually overdosed. i would even say the show implies this outcome with both becca and hughie, as the more butcher pushes--the more worn down they get.

if you put enough pressure on someone--they break.

becca was *good* for him. but billy was so, so fucking *bad* for her.

it begs the question of whether or not billy *is* right, if he really is this monster, *fated* to become his father in the worse of ways. of whether or not it's too late for him.

he's certainly not 'normal' or 'right' or 'good' or even an 'anti-hero'. at best, you could maybe call him an 'anti-villain', he is meant to be the deuterantagonist.

it def doesn't help that every time he has the *chance* to do the right thing, *someone* goes and enables him, gives him a reason to do the *wrong* thing.

fucking maeve in that last episode of the third season. but she's def not the only one, and def not the only time. (and yes, if it wasn't clear enough, being completely fucking indifferent to killing *thousands* of people to go after *one* fucking guy is in fact, the *wrong* thing to do.)

butt.

rewatching the scenes with lenny and billy's reaction, and even the final fight, showed something of a *possible* silver lining.

billy *enjoys* rejecting his father. actually pretty fucking greatly if we're being honest. generally speaking, it's when he *rejects* his father and everything that man represents that billy is at his *happiest* (lmao the epitome of an unfulfilled submissive sweetheart and bratty bossy bottom~<3<3<3)

there's a moment, where soldier boy says something along the lines of--

'--fuck you. you're weaker than he is.'

in regards to homelander. it's sort of glossed over, but this is billy's reaction to essentially being called a 'disgrace' so to speak by a toxic 'alpha male'.

y'all see that? it's a smile. lmao a smirk.

this is a moment where billy is protecting *ryan* and keeping his promise to becca. it's a moment where billy is *doing the right thing*, all on *his own* (mostly lol i'm sure there's a roundabout way to justify it in his head). and i think that's key.

it's not just a moment he's proud of himself and has a legitimate fucking reason to be proud of himself, (oh btw, we shoulda *all* been proud of billy in this moment), it's a moment he's *breaking through what his father made him* and his own *addiction*.

and he's doing it *selflessly* and--*without setting that responsibility on another person*.

so we *know* he has it in him, he always has. even becky *in the comic* kept trying to convince billy that *he is capable of good without her*. and again, we actually saw this in the second season when becca and ryan were reunited and billy *changed* his plans, *for becca*, instead of doing the selfish thing and selling ryan back to vought.

but if billy doesn't believe it himself...

i don't think billy is right about himself. but it is very *very* difficult for someone to *correct course* so to speak, once they have their *core beliefs*, lay out their own destiny and start along a *self fulfilling prophecy*, something him and homelander *both* do.

enter ryan.

and suddenly (lol probably in part due to reading dear becky lol), there was a bit of... not so much new, as *confirmed* perspective in play after that rewatch, something to *look* for and ponder in regards to *why* ryan may have been added for this story, a question in mind--

'would it be wrong of *ryan* to want to save his father?'

was it wrong of becca or becky, hughie or lenny, even his mum, to want to save billy?

how would *billy* even begin to answer such questions?

a different answer for the two would be a clear hypocritical bias (which lol i would not put past billy, but i also wouldn't be surprised if he maintained consistent thinking by answering *yes* to both)

. . .

y'all...

i still can't say i'm particularly optimistic about things turning out alright for either gent or ryan, butt~<3

garth ennis literally made the saddest, most pathetic, deliciously sweet, perfectly precious, extra emo tsun tsun baby boi ever, and put him right under our noses.

some a y'all fucking sneezing all over him, straight up sleepin' on all his *best* bits. how are we not utilizing billy butcher *properly~<3<3<3*????

;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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cinnamonest · 10 months

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I'm now into the 5th season of hxh. As soon as I finish this series I will actually make a proper post but in the meantime I want to shout into the void how I feel about some of these bastards. Yes I was too lazy to turn off subtitles before taking hulu screenshots. I've been cutting into my sleep hours to watch this since the past week since I keep having to work overtime so this might be incoherent and delirious idk. I'm not entirely sure I'm awake right now. This might be a dream. Anyway

Hisoka was the only character I was familiar with by name prior to watching and like. I always assumed the pervert schtick was like a one-time line/single scene that people just took and ran with it. I was incorrect

I know full well this man would most likely kill me but like. I think I'd be okay with it. I think it would be a good way to go and I would probably accept it. I'd thank him even. I'd ask him to step on me while he does it. Or maybe I'm right at the threshold where I'm so pathetic I'm genuinely not worth killing which I think I'd also be okay with as long as I can still get knocked to the ground and have him step on my neck. Please sir

Also a large portion of me watching this, up until this past week, has been while I'm at home bc I've been home a lot recently and I often have a parallel play thing going on with my mother where in the evenings I'll watch something or play games while she browses facebook or reads her Bible/Christian books and she'll like pay half-attention and make comments every few minutes on anything I watch. In true parent fashion she's managed to be there for like every scene of random naked shots or weird moaning and says nothing, but once just looked up, made a face of deep discomfort and went back to highlighting her Bible. I think about this a lot. I'm sorry mom

I'm very weak to comic relief men actually and I have a triple weakness to token perv characters and furthermore my ovaries were created as such that men who are incredibly intelligent while also being astoundingly dumb are my kryptonite so my boy, be he as he may, dare I admit, does things to me. I think if you pulled the typical tease line where you say something about having a problem and needing a doctor to inspect you or just flash him he might die on the spot and that is very endearing to me. One could torment this man with the slightest of skin or sensuality it would be very easy. I appreciate you leorio

I want to protect Killua but like does he need it really. Like the "oh poor baby I want to hold him and squeeze him and never let anything harm him" urge is there because of my blatant maternal complexes but at the same time I know full well he does not need protecting and would realistically be the one protecting anyone else but like the urge is still there. I don't care. I WILL find something to protect him from and I WILL do it

Also very tsun. I can sense it. I know I'm dumb and weak and I would get snarky comments about it but that's okay. I would let the middle school aged boy bully me. I'd be okay with that

I think Illumi looks kind of like an insect. However he also terrifies me a little bit but I don't think that would particularly bother him. I think I could tell him both that he terrifies me and that he looks like a bug and he would have an entirely neutral response. Would probably just ask what kind of bug but may be disappointed if I name a non-cool bug. I'd probably say a grasshopper. I don't know how he would feel about that

I think what would be infuriating to me most is it is difficult to get much of a reaction out of this dude. Like you can be a total nightmare to have as a captive and the most you'll get is a :/ response. In attitude at least, like he'd probably still snap my wrist if deemed appropriate but would do it with just a mildly exasperated face/voice. I would try so hard to get a strong reaction and would never get it and that infuriates me. What right do you have to infuriate me like this bug man. Stop staring at me with them big ol eyes

I think if this man were to be living a normal life and not running with criminals he would wear socks with sandals on a daily basis. Like those thick white halfway up the calves socks and tan buckled sandals worn exclusively by boomer middle aged dads. And it's not the only trait he would share with middle aged men either I think he would care deeply about the quality of his lawn and mispronounce foreign things in a way that is borderline creative for how wrong it is. I think he just is a middle aged boomer dad trapped in a younger man's body. Release this man into a Home Depot and he will immediately adapt to his natural habitat

I am terrified of this man because due to who I am as a person I immediately evaluate all male specimens on what I think sex with them would be like, and cannot imagine a scenario involving this man where I come out of it without actual internal damage. Like you know how people joke about "rearranging your guts/insides" well this would be that but like actually genuinely. I think intercourse with this tank of a man would automatically necessitate medical attention. However do not mistake my horror for hesitancy because organ rupture is a price I will willingly pay for the experience of a realistic simulation of what I imagine it feels like to be a sick gazelle that falls behind the rest of the herd only to start hearing suspenseful nature documentary music

I cannot look at this man without my blood pressure immediately rising. I have never been simultaneously so strongly attracted to yet have such a strong desire to strangle someone. I think the worst part of this is that he would somewhat let me attempt to strangle him but would find it endearing and would start going on an analysis of my personhood and I will be real with you all that would peak my fury and I would become violent. And blah blah "understanding myself" hey man can you maybe not mass murder and go on your journey of self discovery by doing drugs or taking a road trip or something like a normal person in their quarter life crisis. Is that so hard.

As my fingers type these words I can feel my heart rate increasing and I am filled with immense fury and arousal at the same time. Why are you attractive? What is wrong with me? I hate it and I hate myself for it. I have to unironically take a break from typing to take a deep breath. I have to move on because I'm getting heart palpitations

Shalnark seems underappreciated. I love him so much but he also terrifies me in a way none of the others do. Like sure being blatantly cruel or loud or huge like some of the others is one thing but he's too cheery. It scares me on a visceral level. Sir why are you smiling like that. I do not trust it. Or rather realistically I know I WOULD trust it if I met this man as a stranger because I'm very gullible and that would not end well for me. This boy would probably be like one of the absolute worst people to end up stuck with once you get into it but that is very well hidden from the surface and I do not like that. I know I'm naive as all hell and I would fall for the same tricks over and over and I just know that would be used against me

On the bright side though this does mean he would actually fit the classic, original yandere trope since originally yanderes are supposed to be super sweet and cheery externally, so there's that

My skrungly. My tiny son. Y'all do not understand my predicament because I have a NEED to squish his face in my hands, I have an unbearable urge to pat his head and ruffle his hair, it is a literal physical intrinsic need like food and water and I need this but like at what cost. Is the price one I am willing to pay. The answer is probably yes actually. What are a few broken fingers for a moment of pure bliss. Likewise even if by a mere 2 centimeters I am taller than this man and that brings me great satisfaction. I hold great power in my hands. I would be sure to bring this matter up on a daily basis at great risk to my well-being

Baby boy you are the warmth of my soul and the love of my life and the brightest star in my night sky which is really saying something because you have about as much positive energy as a funeral. Regardless. Baby boy. Baby

I want Kurapika to know I love him. If Kurapika has 100000000 fans I'm one of them. I'm Kurapika has 10 fans I'm one of them. If Kurapika has 0 fans I am dead. If I were a shounen anime protagonist that just got the shit beaten out of me and I'm crumpled on the ground on the verge of unconsciousness and/or death I would have flashbacks and imagery of Kurapika go through my head and then I'd get a sudden burst of willpower and energy to miraculously get back up and kill the villain in a single blow. If I'm having a bad day and a singular thought of Kurapika passes through my mind it becomes a good day. Knowing Kurapika is a spiritual experience for me. I have a small orgasm every time my eyes are graced with Kurapika's visage. I think about Kurapika at minimum 127 times daily and if I fail to do this I will die instantly. I would protect Kurapika with my life. And by God I would gladly volunteer myself for clan rebuilding. Sir if you ever want to spread your bloodline I am right here. I will leap at the chance to spend the rest of my life as your personal incubator. I feel like he'd be paranoid and overprotective and lock me in the same house forever but you know what? I'm fine with that. Walking through our house at night will be like a semi-obscure 2000s Japanese horror rpg because every step you take there's a set of big red eyes staring at you but instead of weird Japanese demons its just pouty tiny kurtas. I am in physical pain because the most screen time he's had in ages is a phone call. Where is my boy. What have they done with my boy. If he does not return soon I will become violent

#i need to compile my mom's commentary because oh my God #she doesn't understand anything going on but comments all the time and it cracks me up #shes very opinionated on the characters #but can never remember their names #every few minutes of watching in silence from across the room i hear her just #'oh him again. i do not like him. i've had enough of him'#and just resumes her Bible study

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atlailx · 3 days

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HUGE BANG BRAVE BANG BRAVERN SPOILERS (Hopefully I put the read more thing on right, i still don't 100% know how to use tumblr)

So I just sat and binged watched this entire show, I have NEED to just talk about it because it's just so good.

Ok i went into this calling it the gay robot show bc i had seen so many people talk about it like that (they’re not wrong) but it was so much more than just a silly little mecha show. I totally called the save in ep1 where braven appeared. Like once the huge attack started i said “oh the main character is gonna get hurt and about to be killed and the giant robot is gonna appear and save him” and i was totally right. Then in ep2 (i think) when superbia showed up, i really just thought “oh cool this guy looks sick, sucks that he's gonna die and never appear again” BUT I WAS THANKFULLY WRONG. Up until smith's death, i was totally under the impression that smith would be the one to bond with superbia, like i was thinking “oh this deathdrive is gonna attack smith and almost kill him then superbia is gonna show up and save him parallel to braven and isami” but i was caught SO off guard by the plot twist. I was analyzing the break animation and thought “oh both smith and isami are (nakey) that means smith is gonna pilot a bot,” but NO, i'm so glad it ended up being that braven is future smith. Which huge credit to the writers for putting foreshadowing FROM THE BEGINNING. Like they pulled it off so well. A proper reveal HAS to be foreshadowed, and having bravens FIRST convo with isami mention how he already knows isami’s name is perfect. AND how when braven encountered superbia, HE KNEW HIS NAME. BECAUSE HE'S SMITH. AND BEFORE FUTURE SMITH DIED HE KNEW SUPERBIA. It genuinely surprised me. And even once it was revealed that smith WAS braven i literally lost my mind. I did not expect it, but it makes so much sense. Then once it was revealed that lulu was from the future, i actually started to care about her character. Before that reveal i really hated her, like she was just straight up annoying, but after future lulu arrived she became a WAY better character. Especially with the “flashbacks” (if you can really call them that since they’re a future from an alternate universe) of lulu and superbia having an adorable familial relationship.

AND this was foreshadowed too. THE STUPID LITTLE GAGAPI THING LULU SAYS? THAT'S THE DEATH DRIVE LANGUAGE. LULU IMMEDIATELY LIKING SMITH? BECAUSE SHE KNEW IT WAS BRAVEN. While I do love braven and isami, something about superbia just scratches my brain. I kinda just saw him and decided “yeah this dude's my favorite.” I doubt the show will have a s2 because of the ending, but I'd love a short series about the future lulu came from and how things went down there. I want to know more about a future where superbia became the remaining hero, and I NEED to just see how it would play out. I love the parallels between superbia and braven too, like visually, where superbia does the same pose as braven after he destroys the tower.

Even though the episodes were only about 25 minutes long in length, the show felt long, and the episodes didn’t feel disconnected from each other. I never felt like the transition from episode to episode was unnatural, and the pacing was mostly good. I understand that as the show went on and braven/isami became stronger, it was easier and easier to defeat the death drives, but there was some disconnect from how long the Pessimism/whatever the other guy's name was fight versus how long the Ira fight was. And yes, it did feel longer because it kept cutting to smith, but the double death drive fight felt so easy? Like they did not seem to pose as much of a problem as superbia but the fight took forever. The ending did feel a little rushed, and would have benefitted from a longer season or runtime, but what we got was good. Before this, i've never really seen a show of this type (a gundam/mech pilot show) i really only watched it because the TF accounts I follow were talking about it, so maybe it's a common thing in these type of shows for the characters to basically go super saiyan, but it felt weird. WHY DID THEY BECOME GOLD??? They could’ve just gotten brighter colors. Speaking of the ending, I love that lulu had no idea about vita purely because in her future, superbia never died, which yes i know that was intentional, but its just cool to me. This show makes me want to watch more of this genre, even though the rep might not be present in a lot of the older shows.

#bang brave bang bravern #braven #bang bravern spoilers

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yukidragon · 1 year

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I was curious about whether the bad yogurt combo could possibly shed some more specific light on Joseph’s traumatic past.

Like maybe coffee was constantly used to keep him alert for long hours while being overworked on learning lines, maybe the rum sauce reminded him of using alcohol to cope (potentially even past alcoholism? He had to remind himself he was ‘clean now’ and could be whoever he wanted to be).

Maybe the cashews reminded him of snacking on packets of nuts when he didn’t get enough time for a proper meal break. (Though art shows it was donuts being held in his mouth while busy reading lines.) Nuts are also served at bars alongside alcohol.

Also Ian apparently liked cashews on pizza… I have no idea how Jackseph could possibly even know that but perhaps it briefly crossed Sunshine’s mind while making Jack his yogurt. I can’t imagine he would have liked that.

Ps. I love your in-depth interpretations and discussions on Jack. I like digging into interactions and lore.

Aww, thank you so much! Reading that made me very happy.

I think your thoughts are very insightful. Nuts are a pretty popular pairing to alcohol, which is often used as a drug of choice for coping with stressful situations, much like Joseph's cigarettes. Coffee could be argued as another drug due to the effects of caffeine, though a more benign one. With the bags he had under his eyes and how tired he was in some of the teaser art, it does seem like he would need that pick-me-up to make it through the day.

While I find the reference to Ian with the cashews to be very interesting, especially when they're part of the worst yogurt combination... I don't think that's related to the trauma response. Really, it might just be another deliberate parallel between Ian and Joseph that's being drawn in the story.

When you get down to it, Ian and Joseph have a lot of similarities. They're both actors, they both want love, they both want MC specifically, they're both friends with MC, and they both have been given the role of Sunny Day Jack. I suspect that there's going to be deliberate echoes in Ian's story that relates to Joseph's and how badly that ended. The cashews might be another hint at that.

Interestingly enough, combining caffeine and alcohol is actually really bad for you. As I recall from an episode of Food Theory, caffeine dilates the arteries to increase blood flow and makes the alcohol concentration in the blood increase to dangerous levels. This combination has led to people being hospitalized or even dying. It's not exactly the best combination for one's health, but some people do it anyway despite the risks.

Sadly, sometimes people get addicted to things that are dangerous and unhealthy due to stress or other factors. The entertainment industry is absolutely rife with stories of substance abuse, and I suspect, sadly, Joseph was among those who dabbled in various kinds of drugs.

It's entirely possible that Joseph could've even been pressured to partake in addictive drugs like alcohol, smoking, or even illegal drugs because of social pressure. It's sadly an all too common problem, especially when in a situation where a person feels they must conform to the group or risk being outed from it.

Joseph was homeless and struggling to get by before he joined the SunnyTime Crew Show. He apparently had no love as a kid and rebelled, maybe even falling in with a group that smoked and did awful things just to fit in. It's entirely possible that he is especially susceptible to peer pressure just on the off chance of being loved.

Sadly... this is even reflected in the present. Jack will be whatever MC wants him to be. He makes that clear. He'll give them whatever they want. If they asked him to do something... he'll probably do it, even if reluctantly, if it means they'll love him, need him, and won't forget him...

Jack might be clean now, and he might want to stay that way, but he's desperate enough to get his hands dirty with blood in order to keep his sunshine... so who knows how far he'll go just to be loved?

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur

#Sunny Day Jack #Something's Wrong With Sunny Day Jack #SunnyDayJack #sdj #swwsdj #Headcanon Ramblings #Ask

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tavyliasin · 5 months

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Hello Darlings~ About time I dropped a little "about me" post to pin, right? Oh don't worry, I shan't bore you for long. My Carrd link there has a directory of all my fanfic works, giving you an overview of pairings, content, word count, and a little summary of each. I'm Tavylia Sin, or you may call me Tavylia, Lia, or Tavy, I'm not very fussy on that one, darlings~ My pronouns are she/her, and I'm a Cis Woman from the Nine Hells (or the UK, as it is otherwise known). If you'd like something a little more detailed about me, keep reading~

So, who in the nine hells am I, anyway?

Well, I'm a thirty-[vague coughing] year old creative writer. I've been writing other things, unpublished, for years now, but it was Baldur's Gate 3 that pulled me out of my shell and into the world of NSFW writing. So, I hadn't really written a single word of smut before late September 2023. In the month of October, I wrote over 80,000 words of it. I know, I am not sure how I did that either, but the passion took me and I didn't want to let go either, darlings, I was having too much fun. I still am!

What are your main works and pairings?

My first work was ATG, aka A Tav's Guide, or to give it the full and proper title: Of Living, Loving, and the Strangest of Bedfellows - A Tav's Guide to Fucking Across Faerun: Sordid Coast Edition A cautionary tale, loves, never let Volo name your work even if it is funny at the time! Anyway, ATG was meant to be a game-paralleling fun dive into how my Tav romanced Astarion but then still took every opportunity to indulge in lustful pleasures that was presented to her. There's some emotion in there, a reason to why she does who what she does, and although in many places I try to stick to canon there are plenty where I also deviate from it to find more fun~ I then started trying my hand at some non-ATG pairings and stories, indulging in a few One Shot stories as creative exercise and a few requests for people in the community. It has all kept growing from there! My favourites to write for are Haarlep and Raphael, as well as Astarion, Halsin, and Gale, though I'm honestly happy to give almost anything a try! I love trying to capture their authentic voices and find ways to stay true to their character motivations, or at least to twist them towards my sinful designs~ I'm also looking at writing more lesser-seen characters and pairings so watch this space.

What about Style? Tropes? Themes?

Darlings, most of my works will include some form of bondage, BDSM, powerplay, and kink. I find it all so very fun, and it can be gentle as well as intense, depending on the participants and the mood. I also write some occasional angst and fluff, when I'm not feeling the smut-fic flowing, and deeply enjoy exploring emotions. You'll find a lot of my writing runs long - even here, brevity is clearly not my strong suit! I enjoy longer dialogue, a build up to give context to the scene, and at least a little plot even to a One Shot scenario. When I really have fun with a piece, I just don't want it to end, really~ In terms of language, you may well find my works to be more verbose, and despite the topics I prefer to lean on softer terms and describe sensations and emotions more than the physical parts involved. I want you to be able to immerse into the scene, to let the feelings surround you and encompass you as the words flow from my page into your mind~ I adore reading other styles, but for some reason I struggle with writing certain words and phrases into my own pieces. So I find ways to be creative and still maintain the sex and the lust~ Whilst I might have some preferences in who I like to write for, or find some dynamics easier to write, I am also more than happy to write for suggested trans and nonbinary OCs, or if you asked me to write a canon character as trans or nonbinary I would love to try my very best to make your dreams come true~ It's a little disappointing we don't have trans/nonbinary main characters or NPCs in the canon, but of course fanfic can change that if you so wish. Incidentally, I always refer to Haarlep with they/them pronouns. This is what is used in the game from the Narrator, and also fits to how they are able to take on any physical form with little concern beyond what pleasure my be wrought from it. In my opinion, they have no interest in whatever "gender" is, unless it's some new sex move they haven't tried yet.

Have I seen you somewhere else?

Maybe darling~ I use this same name for Twitter, Tumblr, and Discord. Anything tied to my presence will use this same name, so that's how you'll find me. I'm most active in Galecord, where I adore playing with my fellow degenerates in the NSFW channels as we encourage each other with fic writing and art, enjoying each others work and gleefully sharing samples as we write too. My very dear darlings over there mean so very much to me, and have consistently been a voice of support that has fired me up to keep writing. Otherwise you might see me in a couple of others, like Tav1's performer's official server, but you'll rarely find me outside of NSFW zones. Indeed, the Tav'ern Babes discord is the only one I am in that is linked to any of the performers, because he doesn't seem to visit that area of the server. I would never wish to put my work where it isn't wanted nor personally push it towards any of the performers or game staff - if they find it themselves I'm more than happy for them to enjoy it (and will never want to know if they hate it, that might crush my soul), but it's here for us, the fans, to enjoy and play with as an extension to the game.

Questions?

You're welcome to drop me an ask, darlings, or to contact me through any of the links on my Carrd. If it's about my personal life though, sorry loves~ Part of what gives me the confidence to write and share NSFW works is the little layer of anonymity. I assure you though that my personality and platonic affections are entirely genuine, and I do intend anything nefarious~ I have been asked about KoFi or commissions once or twice, but fan fiction works should remain free to protect our right to keep making it. If I were being cheeky then I might suggest that I wouldn't turn down a gift voucher, but honestly I just enjoy being able to socialise and create within such a wonderful community. Some day I'll try and publish an original smutwork, make just a few pennies from it perhaps, to keep myself supplied with hot drinks and snacks while I curl up in my SmutCave tapping away at some new WIP that has seized my soul~

In short, loves, I'm a little bit like a sexy Batman. I'm the hero nobody asked for that turns up in the dark of the night, few know my secret identity, I have some wonderful accomplices in the Smutstice League (we're making that a thing as of this moment, right?) and I hope to make the world a better place in my own little way. By writing too much. The main difference? I'm not a millionaire/billionaire, and my fashion sense is just slightly better~

#fanfic #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 fanfiction #ao3 fanfic #ao3fic #meet the author #meet the writer #about myself #about my blog #about my writing #carrd #fanfiction directory #reading material #because I am sexy batman #without the cash #damn

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luciehercndale · 5 months

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Mhm, Kell and Kosika do seem to have some similarities about them. Especially if Holland or whoever is using his image is just using Kosika to reopen the walls. Also it's quite interesting to note that all her antari commands have come to her instinctively. However, whilst we don't have confirmation that this is strange or unusual - we do see both Kell and Lila using their powers for the first time (just about) and neither knew the commands - Maris told Kell and Lila had to ask!

Definitely seems to be a vitari-esque parallel between Holland and Kosika, very spooky. I'll be interested to see where it goes, given basically all W!London scenes are build up for later.

Balance is interesting, because I'm of the thought that reopening the gates will balance - because closed everything fell out of balance. I do think "and we had to give up magic power for the good of all" endings are a bit naff and considering R!London is very reliant, I don't think Schwab will lean that way. Would the antari population *balance* out?

Gods, I agree, Kell was probably way too scared after the ring business. It seemed like he was really hung up on it - but I can also see why the gesture was received poorly on Lila's end. I would like to see Lila cry more, let it out!! What comes after the confession though? Lila was clear she's not really a... family maker (nice parallel with Alucard who does want that for himself and Rhy). I thought Lila's response when asked by Nadiya was a bit interesting, it was a clear no, but Lila clearly felt a bit off about it, literally describing it as a "strange effect". I don't necessarily think children is the lathway this is going, but idk, it stuck out to me. Perhaps its like you say, that fear she has of facing her feelings.

Poor Tes, i'm looking forward to seeing her confidence grow! And for the eventual conflict with her sister!

That would make sense, or perhaps the space between worlds - and they can only escape once Kosika opens the gates.

I think Schwab is very drawn to male characters (and i think why some readers don't like Lila so much because she is this aggressive and mean character - each to their own i guess)

Thanks for rambling with me - i don't have anyone to theorise with and I liked your recent takes!

Hey, sorry for the late reply but I was kinda disconnected mentally this past week 😆 and I wanted to give a proper reply!

Putting a read more because it's quite long 😅

-> Kosika using her commands casually Yup, from what I've gathered, before she met "Holland" in ghostly form, he was with her but she could not see him, and he told her the commands and only later I think he tells her that's how she was able to know what to do, which is suspicious. Because like you said, Kell and Lila were told the Antari commands and there are still commands they might not know and can't use bc Antari magic requires specific formulae. Maybe "Holland" wanted to speed the process required for Antari to learn every spell they can use so the process to gather power would be quicker. What if he needed power to manifest himself to her as a ghost? Because it took a few years... and that power they are gathering may have other purposes which Kosika is unaware of. And yep, the WL scenes are for the future! Because no one expects WL to be so changed after seven years, and for Kosika to be so knowledgeable about Antari magic so young.

-> Everyone losing their power at the end? Would the antari population *balance* out?

I also dislike the "they lose their powers at the end" trope. This series deals a lot with the theme of balance and one of the hardest things the characters have/had to do is/was to control themselves and their magic. If they lost everything, it would be quite annoying and would be too easy. The point that was made throughout the trilogy and now in Threads is balance, power, control, limits, etc. Victoria doesn't seem the kind of writer who would resort to that, at least in most of the series by her I've read, there was no one who ended without powers (on the other end, they had to deal with the consequences of having x power and things like that). So maybe, if Black London has something to do with Antari and why they exist -maybe there's a bit of Black London magic in every London and that's why Antari are so rare- it's possible there would be more of them? Even though that itself would be difficult to handle because people would abuse of their powers etc. so it's a never ending cycle lol

-> Kell and Lila

I wanted to see how the ring scene went because it must have been angsty (might write a fanfic about it perhaps, bc I like to write missing scenes XD). Confrontation can make or break a relationship, and I think that even if they don't see eye to eye on some matters, they still try to understand and be there for each other because they deeply care and love each other. I don't want to imagine what would happen if either of them died or would be severely injured.

I think I wrote in the previous ask that Lila only cries when there's death/near death experience with the people she loves. The finality is the trigger that opens the gates of her tears, because she's emotionally repressed. She had to reign in her emotions for years and it takes time to unlearn this. And we see that even if Kell shows her repeatedly how much he loves her, and she knows he won't reject her - if any, he would be ecstatic if she told him she loves him - she still finds it difficult to do so and to say those three words. I believe it's one of her core fears, along with well, losing Kell.

See, a reason I would love a baby storyline/talk is that perhaps this could help unlock her emotional side more. Lila might not be emotional like Kell (even though she's more irrational than him on the practical side), but she does have a heart and that heart beats so loud for those she cares about. This story would also tie with her trauma (i.e. losing her mother so young, having an abusive father so being scared to be like her father with her child, her fear of being tied down, etc.). I don't think a child is necessary in a couple but I feel like there is something in Kell and Lila's story (and their inner child trauma) that would tie so well with a baby storyline. I can't unsee it after this baby talk with Nadiya but of course it's just an headcanon for now. There are a lot of ways to explore this topic, and they may even discuss it among themselves. I would like to know where Kell stands on this. Maybe he would talk about it with either Rhy or Nadiya herself, because I bet she's interested about Kell's thoughts about this (even if it's none of her business lol).

-> V drawn to male characters

Yeah, most of her novels have more male characters than female characters, and she does characterize them well (they also have great chemistry with each other and that's not an easy fit). In ADSOM Lila is the only mfc, and she doesn't fit the gender stereotypes, and sometimes she might be too extreme and do questionable things and people might not like that. Or maybe, people do not try to see past the exterior behavior she has, I have no idea. On the other hand, that's why I love Lila. She is morally grey, she is unpredictable, she is an hypocrite, she is a mystery, she is many things. I love all the layers she has and she is definitely my favorite character along with Kell. She was the first character I was drawn to when I read ADSOM years ago, and my love was reaffirmed and grew even stronger when I read Threads. 😂

Do not worry about rambling! I like rambling about ADSOM and I love talking about it with other fans, so feel free to send more asks 🫶🏻

#posta #threads of power #adsom #kell maresh #lila bard #holland vosijk #tftop #tftop spoilers #a darker shade of magic #kellila #the fragile threads of power

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swallowtailed · 9 months

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palisade 21 (!!!!)

and the oscar for best weird tension goes to: ali acampora!!!!!!! (~very small background applause~)

i am SO pleased that the crew's doing both the moon mission and the stargrave mission. i was really torn over which i wanted to happen, and assumed the moon mission would get put off. but this is fantastic. best of both worlds.

it does make me wonder how they're gonna handle the tension. the a-plot is gonna play opposite (let alone mirror) the b-plot's apocalypse mission. so i'm excited to find out what heights the a-plot will be pushed to! (fatt, as a show, favors world-endings. i imagine we'll confront a past one, and figure's future.)

[also, just to get my guess in now - i think chimera's lantern was originally part of the planet palisade, got exploded out from the giant caldera at the northern pole, and contains (the tomb of?) palisade's excerpt.]

but plot stuff aside... brnine. holy shit. fantastic scenes this ep, from the crew meeting to the call to gucci to the conversation with thisbe. ali did not miss a fucking beat.

again in partizan parallels, brnine getting chewed out for baseline felt very reminiscent of their conversation with k.o. rooke after orzen. except this time they made the call knowingly, and it was inaction rather than action.

i loved the moment of brnine referencing how the blue channel was used as a distraction by the cause.

i'm really, really excited for brnine and phrygian to run this gauntlet. by which i don't mean the infiltration (although that'll be cool), but the interpersonal gauntlet of being the two people trying to take out the stellar combustor. i... kind of suspect phrygian may not make it through this one, is the thing? (also my hopes for a bottle horror situation in their new tin can are SO high)

that conversation with thisbe--it felt like a really good twist on the han solo/c3po kind of trope for thisbe to ask brnine for reassurance that they'd succeed. not "never tell me the odds", but "show me the improbable future you believe in", "explain why i matter out of the whole universe". very deeply tender in their own specific way. i'm really glad thisbe and brnine made it to this point.

brnine and asepsis: so what are we calling the pilot-divine relationship where the pilot gains the divine's trust enough to take over its role when it's in crisis? suggestions welcome.

(does brnine know they're so trusted? this only occurred to me just now, but like, what the fuck. thisbe, asepsis, the team meeting--their crew trust them so much. do they know that? this is going to keep me up at night.)

the primary/satellite callback was fantastic, but it's also so fucking funny to me to imagine gucci and brnine retiring to open a space truck stop together. gucci already almost died on one of those!

more seriously-- from tm 20: "the second that you start thinking that a loaded gun is romantic is the second you stop being like us and start being like them."

and the tone of that conversation was so funny. you know, in its horror. gucci having an audible breakdown, brnine making plans in response. they've known each other for way too long. i am also glad they made it to this point, but in a kicked-back-eating-popcorn way. (also: acting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

other loose notes:

phrygian-as-carnival is both very bluff city and, frankly, very irl state fair

the discussion of how branched work just made me want to see janine play a branched even more than i already did

cori this ep: love the kind of pc who takes a loss as a signal that they just need to push farther, fight harder, and fulfill the destiny they're sure they're supposed to have. peak tragedy.

imo the blue channel are a very accurate representation of the kind of crew who are in the shit with no one but themselves. highly specific ways of relating to each other. deep trust. bickering. (work got rough this week, okay, and this ep made me feel very seen.)

very pleased that perennial is tier 7. this is the proper number.

i really have to listen to counterweight, don't i

#LONG ONE. many thoughts #anyway hi i'm back. this episode was still less wild than my latest work hitch #fatt #palisade #hello world #fatt lb #palisade spoilers #friends at the table spoilers

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lover-of-mine · 4 months

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okay so: opinions on buddie having a confession similar to the jolink one at the end of 19x20?????

(I know jolink have more of a romantic/sexual past than buddie do currently, but when I first watched that scene all I could think about was buddie, because of the fact that the kids were included as part of the speech but not the main focus, and the whole 'I'm so in love with you. How do you not see that?' bit and so many more reasons that have escaped my brain right now)

(Also full disclosure: I'm not a fan of jolink as a couple, and wish they'd stayed as friends, but I do love the buddie parallels/vibes they give me 😅😅)

((Sorry this was long!!! 💚💚))

(just to get it out of the way, I was fighting and kicking and screaming at them putting jolink together because they had such a great friendship and damnit media needs more friendships between men and women who are straight but not trying to get with each other)

I'm kinda obsessed with the idea of getting something like that now that you mentioned lol. I mean, there would have to be some adjustments, I feel like a lot of it works the way it does because they slept together and decided to say it was just casual, with the way they explicitly draw the line and said "no we are just friends" and I feel like that wouldn't work as long term as they played it with jolink when applied to buddie (not unless they want to make us suffer more for a few seasons but if buddie sleeps together then wakes up and go nah we should just be friends is never gonna happen again, I'll burn something down), but I am legit obsessed with the idea of Buck hiding behind Chris for a change and just snapping, listing things about loving Eddie and Eddie is just staring at him with his exasperated husband face and going "you idiot I love you too". If they kiss in the rain too I would spontaneously combust (with the lightning and the well and every bad thing that happened to Buck involving water and the way the moment they start getting along involves literal fire, the symbolism behind them getting something good in the rain would be everything to me really)

But since we're talking Jo, I rewatched the perfect storm the other day, that's why I ended up making the parallel between April and Buck, and I keep thinking about a situation like when jolex gets together. The whole they have a huge fight, Jo tells Alex to stay away from her, then she shows up hurt, Alex gets all protective, he's about to say it, but then the tree falls into Alex living room, and they ignore it until Jo says she doesn't deserve it, that she'll ruin it and Alex is all you asked yesterday you wanted to hear it I'm gonna say it but them he freezes, and she's all i don't hear anything, and they banter a little bit before Alex finally says he loves her and they kiss. I feel like if we get a proper build up with buddie where everyone is aware of where they are going and they keep fighting against it until something snaps but right before they actually do something the universe intervenes, and have them dance around the fact that they almost said it dealing with an emergency, all while the tension between them keeps getting higher, until they finally get a moment alone and they can talk and Buck is all we should just forget it, you're my best friend, I'll mess it up, depending on the nature of the emergency that stopped them you can even add a line of like "that was a sign, the universe was stopping us from making a mistake" that Eddie could counter with his level is skepticism "I don't believe the universe speaks to anyone and you wanted to hear me saying it so I'm saying it" and then freezing and having them banter back and forth until one of them says I love you and the other goes in for the kiss, could work. And it would be one hell of a scene.

So the conclusion here is that Jo has very buddiecoded love confession since Alex and Link get the best friend place before things evolve and either one of them makes for a killer getting together scenario for buddie.

#this got long and slightly off track lol #but i do agree with you that's a very plausible scene for buddie #and you need an easy buildup to make it work #abc you know what you gotta do #buddie thoughts #sam 💜#i really need a tag for asks

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bourbon-ontherocks · 11 months

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🪥-wise j’étais au bord de la syncope pdt la 1re scène du parloir 🕴️ shouting match. longing looks. there’s a literal wall between them. going from "I don’t need you" to "pls get involved in this mess and let my kid hide evidence" to "thank you" 😭😭😭😭 their other scenes were for the books too--asking her to work her magic, but she’s under pressure when suddenly "ouf c’est de l’or massif", mentalité de pie 😂

the carat-dec joke was so precious (mdr), les rapports se réchauffent !!! I’m glad there weren’t proper callbacks to earlier eps this time (except for the bookshelves!!), it left room for New stuff. plus some bits felt comfortingly familiar, like adam’s gestures when he asked morgane to get to the point (la petite graine !) 🥲❤ oh, & re: céline’s slippery slope… confirms she and adam are basically the same person. royal couple of getting roped into dates with people they’ve antagonized 😆

don’t you think "ça voulait dire quelque chose" was a bit too much? I wish both of them were in the dark about the other’s feelings. how are we gonna get that sweet, sweet pining if they know mutual affection is a real possibility? (+ don’t want roxane to become The Obstacle) we need a couple irremediable misunderstandings, stat 😈 tho the shot where they’re finally face to face outside was 😙👌 five feet apart but they were feeling awfully close 🥰🥰🥰❤

God, le parloir !! 😱😱 I'm glad I already knew about that scene before otherwise I would have died on the spot 😭 The way they look at each other, the way they talk, and you're right the evolution too, Adam compulsively yelling "I don't want to be involved with this" while actually being totally involved with this, Morgane being so angry, Adam qui s'exécute à toutes les conneries qu'elle lui demande sans rechigner (se baisser alors qu'on entend très bien, lui montrer le dossier à travers la vitre, arrêter de la regarder -- speaking of, arrêtez de me regarder j'arrive pas à me concentrer si c'est pas un aveu qu'il la trouble 🥹🥹, demander à Théa de planquer une pièce à conviction...)

Lol, mentalité de pie, le retour 😂

100% agreed re Adam's gesture, I too thought about the little seed joke!! And also I'm not sure I'd say their interactions are warming up, but they do seem to fall into reassuring, familiar patterns 🥲💕 Also the fact that Adam basically ran to the prison since Morgane's not even done with her check-in that he shows up in the parlor 🥹🥹

Oh gosh I didn't notice the ginormous parallel between Céline and Adam's date, to me Céline's arc felt like something exactly similar that happens in Engrenages, but I love how it applies to Adam and Roxane (hopefully not with the same outcome though?)

Now for "ça voulait dire quelque chose"... Oh boy...😱

I don't think it was too much at all, considering how Adam's previous words (ep 1 flashback) literally drove Morgane to quit and disappear for six months, and it probably would've lasted forever if it wasn't for this providential case. And I think he's aware of that, aware of his mistake, so this is his attempt at making up for what he said ("ça voulait rien dire") which obviously hurt her. I think she needed to hear that it actually meant something. And also for him it's perhaps the first time he's vocalizing out loud that he actually cares about Morgane, and that she's not just a pain in the ass. (Okay actually he said it before. It's just that he told her the exact opposite an hour later so the message may have gotten a bit confused lol).

ALSO HE TOLD HER THAT LOSING HER WAS HIS BIGGEST REGRET IN LIFE AND NOW I CAN DIE IN PEACE THANK YOU VERY MUCH 😱🥹😭⚰️

And I don't think this is going to end all their misunderstandings, because he instantly tempers it with the words "collègue" et "amie". After how hard he broke her heart, Morgane is probably done living on false hopes, so she's not gonna try and read more in those words than what he actually said. And what he said was I care about you as a friend (sure Jan).

So for me they're both still in the dark re each other's feelings. They probably picked up on the fact that they do not hate each other (well, Adam probably thinks she does now, but that she actually didn't when he kissed her lol), but they most certainly have no idea of how deep they're actually pining for the other's affection 💔

Also this whole scene 😘😘😘 And the five feet apart shot, the way they slowly walk towards each other, et leurs pas sont absolument SYNCHRONES ???? No wonder it's literally the first thing I giffed from that new season 😭❤️

#julia's adventures with the hpi anon #anon #ask #hpi #tf1 hpi #hpi tf1 #hpi season 3

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dreaminghour · 10 months

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Hayden/Ewan RPF - Learning something new

Event: @domaystic Fandom: Star Wars RPF Rating: Teen and Up Prompt: 05 Learning something new Ship: Hayden/Ewan Disclaimer: References to real people are used fictitiously. Do not share this with them! Context: Present day. Ewan is visiting Hayden on his farm. You don’t necessarily need to read all of the ficlets in this timeline to understand this. You can find them here on my blog for more/better context though. Words: 1,468

When Ewan wakes again, he can hear the water running in the master bathroom. It isn't loud and he'd still be asleep if he hadn't been up all night and then on a very long call with his agent.

He dozes for another moment, hearing the tell-tale sounds from the kitchen that Hayden is cooking. He hurries to shower off the gunk from sleeping all day and help with dinner preparation. It isn't because he minds Hayden's cooking — he's been spoiled by it for over a week now and he'd enjoy playing sous-chef for Hayden a while longer — but because he wants to repay the kindness somehow. He imagines Hayden coming to visit Ewan in California, staying for a week (or more) but all he conjures instead is Hayden's new place in Altadena which he's mostly only seen in pictures.

When he gets downstairs, he finds Hayden standing by the counter, cleaning up pots while two dishes of food sit cooling on the counter. He's wearing fresh clothes and his hair is still wet, curling into his collar, so that scent of lanolin and hay is gone. Ewan hadn't even realized he'd been expecting it.

"Sorry, I'm not too late am I?" Ewan asks.

"Oh!" Hayden looks fairly spooked as he turns around, his face slightly pink. "Wasn't sure if you'd emerge in time."

"You've cooked twice for me today, I don't think it's fair of me to not say a proper thanks."

"You haven't said thank you yet," Hayden points out with a smirk.

"True," Ewan says, sticking his hands in his pockets and nodding. "Thank you. Lunch was delicious."

"This will be too," Hayden says, gesturing to the plates. "Pick a seat, I'll join you when I'm done here."

"Why don't you let me do that," Ewan says, crowding close. "You've already cooked, least I can do."

Hayden shakes his head but doesn't argue, bringing the plates to the dining room table. When Ewan joins him, Hayden puts his phone away, apparently having waited for Ewan; the food is almost too cool but with two hungry men it disappears quickly. Ewan mops up the rest of the sauce with some bread and something about it makes Hayden smile to see, even though he himself was just doing the same.

"So," Ewan says, "I read it. Did you want to hear anything in particular about it?"

"I guess…" Hayden lays his silverware carefully across the plate. "Was there anything in particular that stuck out to you?"

"I love the way you've described the landscape," Ewan begins, "there's a sort of reverence that really is apparent."

"Yeah, that's this area," Hayden says, smiling somewhat shyly, only glancing up at Ewan again before he crosses his arms. His face is that light pink color again.

"And I really think you did capture something universal about grieving a relationship… And without villainizing the ex. She was…" Ewan laughed. "I think I would have gotten on with her; she rides a motorcycle and likes Led Zeppelin, she's a city-girl after my own heart."

"That's not—" Hayden snaps his teeth together and his face darkens in color, his brow going stormy in that rare way. "I didn't mean anything by that. I was… I wanted her to not be like Rachel."

"I didn't mean anything," Ewan replies quickly, "it's just a passing parallel that amused me. She's not like Rachel, not too much, though I always liked Rachel too."

"I have to admit," Hayden says after a drawn out moment, "I was worrying as I was rereading last night that there was something… I don't know, some unintentional thing I was doing… I know we haven't been the closest over the last twenty years."

"There's many relationships you can mourn," Ewan says after another long moment, his way of agreeing. He continues to stare at the smears of sauce still on his plate, focuses on the low music from the radio in the background all but drowned out by the pouring rain.

"I'm just worried it's confusing things for Mac, like for his story arc, I mean."

"I thought it was alright," Ewan says. "Though I did wonder…"

When Ewan looks up again, Hayden quickly drops his gaze back to his own plate, still slumped in his chair, still with his arms crossed. It feels protective and Ewan's heart is beating a little faster but he has been wondering — for days now. Maybe it isn't his place to ask, but…

"Why isn't Mac seeing anyone new?" Ewan asks.

Hayden does look up at Ewan again at that, parting his lips but not speaking.

"Or is he?" Ewan asks. "He doesn't mention anyone and he seems very alone, despite the scene you wrote where he goes to that workshop and how he relates to the local bar…"

"He's not," Hayden says as he reaches out to adjust the plate again. "You know it's funny…"

All at once, Hayden seems to relax, his shoulders drop, he sits up and leans forward a little, and Ewan, who sits just around the corner at the table, can't help but echo the gesture, bringing them closer together.

"It used to bother me a lot what people said about me, that I was quiet and sensitive, that I didn't like to go out. Not because it wasn't true, but because they drew conclusions about me based on that. I thought, when I fell in love with Rachel, that it wasn't true, that I'm not—" He swallows hard. "That I'm straight, but it bothered me because I know those things aren't related. Being straight doesn't mean you like to go out to clubs, being not doesn't mean you like to stay in and read books."

Ewan sits very still, feeling as though he is watching a rare butterfly settle on a blade of grass, easily startled. He doesn't really think it's funny.

"It bothers me because if I ever said anything, there would be people who'll be so smug about it, and I don't really let them get to me, but it still gets to me, you know?"

When he looks up he's no longer pink, but there's a touch of red to his eye, his eyes look watery.

"I do," Ewan says quietly, because at some point he decided labels were for other people to better box you in and he doesn't give a shit what people think. It's a luxury though; he knows he isn't sensitive like Hayden, not exactly.

"Mac isn't seeing anyone because if I wrote about his desire, beyond how he still has echoes of desire for Evelyn, I'd have to put more things on the page about myself than I already have. And I don't want it to change what the book is about, I think it would be distracting. I don't think… I might still never publish it because it would have my name on the cover and it won't stop being about me and Rachel…"

He trails off.

"You can't help what other people think," Ewan says. "Closing yourself off from certain things because of how it might make others perceive you is no way to live."

"I know that," Hayden replies, sounding only slightly peeved. "I built my whole life here without a care for any of that."

"And yet," prompts Ewan.

"And yet," agrees Hayden.

"I know I probably seem like a hypocrite, telling you not to hide things, not to omit things from your story, when I came out here to hide."

Hayden smiles in that guileless way of his. "Did you now?" he asks without really asking.

"I don't think I ever told you how much I appreciate how steady you are."

"I think I got the idea," Hayden says, scrunching his nose a little as he grins.

"No, I mean. I think I forgot as well, after we saw less of one another. But after that press tour and that night I just wasn't—" He chokes, not really wanting to repeat any of it aloud, hoping he can just… let it lie since Hayden already knows.

And Hayden does, he reaches across the narrow distance between them and grasps Ewan's wrist. He strokes his thumb across the sleeve of Ewan's shirt. When Ewan looks at him, Hayden gives a nod and a watery smile. Ewan is surprised when he brushes fingers across his own eyes and finds tears waiting.

"I'm glad I could come here, to you," Ewan says.

"Of course," Hayden replies emphatically, giving Ewan's wrist a squeeze. "I didn't know you thought I was steady, I felt like such a kid back then."

"Well, I mean, you needed to grow into it." Ewan feels heat where Hayden is still touching him. It spreads in tingling waves across his skin. He smiles. "It suits you."

~~~

One more part and then this will be uploaded to my AO3! I'm hoping to write more with these two once this wraps up. I'm so grateful to everyone who has followed along. I really loved writing this.

#domaystic2023 #2023day5 #dreamy does fic #dreamy does domaystic #star wars rpf #hayden x ewan #ewan x hayden #haywan

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