#i think itll be good for me to not care as much

[beatcroc]

there's no way the bathroom at peppino's pizza is actually that big but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . hey ummm anyway.... i care them...... anyway there's a lil ramble on my take on fake pep's like psyche or whatever in tags on the og post if ur into that kinda thing :y

hey! it's a series! fake peppino world tour: [noise] [noisette] [peppino]<- u are here [gustavo] [gerome] [noisette again]

#ramble after realtags yeag. shoutout to serrangelic btw suggesting the silhouettes thing bc i would have Died otherwise #pizza tower #peppino spaghetti #fake peppino #gustavo and brick #arting #pizzaposting #so anyway i think fake peppino has like. a general awareness that he is supposed to Be Peppino and that he was Made to do that #and likewise he does generally try to...do that. the thing he does NOT realize is hes like really goddamn bad at it #not to be mean but like...c'mon. they are pretty distinctly different kinds of guys even beyond the physiology yknow. #he's neither on-brand nor fooling anyone dsjdsjjkgfsd. BUT! #since the rest of the cast generally likes him [at least as I play it] he thinks hes doing just fine #he's like 'oh they r happy with me so i must be getting a good grade in being peppino :)' #so getting told that 'yeah you actually really suck at that but that was never the reason people liked you' #and told that by og model peppino no less--yknow THE guy he's supposed to be living up to #who's already a bit intimidating for that and who ALSO totally wrecked him TWICE in the tower #making him acutely familiar with just how formidable the guy is and how much there IS to live up to.... #it's a Moment for sure. not really a sad or hurt one though. just... contemplative. #thinking abt people liking him for being the guy he's already naturally been being even though that guy is Not Peppino #i don't think he's gonna be super broken up about realizing he has a bad grade in peppino given everything else hes got now #nor do i really think he cares enough to go like reinvent himself or whatever after the fact #he seems to b pretty clearly having fun with it already so i think he just keeps doing that #and in some cases he still has the pre-installed peppino traits/instincts like to cooka da pizza. and that's fine #is this projection. yes. but if youve been following me awhile you know most of my character writing is ghdhfdgf #gonna kinda expand on all this in the gerome one which is...one after next. itll be a bit but man. #anyway peppino will never admit to anyone and especially not himself that he's gotten a little attached to the guy. hee hoo #pep tends to be kinda surly but he certainly has his ways of showing he cares. all of which are on display here #''that thing is not my son'' says man currently watching thing's antics with the 'bemused dad' arms crossed pose. yeah ok buddy. #gus is totally onto him already but hes not gonna say anything. #if u read all this ur prize is not having to go decode fp's rot13. his lines are ''meant to be you...?'' and ''wrong question.''

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol

#.mei chats #soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain #i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent #i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them #and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself #but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back #trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do #Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms #or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!! #<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect #in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly. #they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid. #god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now #i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all #so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do #god this got long. sawry #.not f/o related

[hecksupremechips]

I’m about to sound like the worlds biggest idiot but I need to say it anyways. It absolutely baffles me that the majority of the persona fanbase only cares about the "waifus" and not like the actual plot or characters

#persona #saying this aloud is so stupid its like the persona fanbase is a bunch of douchey straight guys of course thats what they care about #its like going to a bbq and then being appalled that people are eating meat #YET HERE I AM #i mean eh i dont think this is like a big tumblr problem since all the gay fans are here but elsewhere #like they act like the only point of the games is getting a gf #and no one judges the female characters based on anything but how big of a ‘waifu’ they are #like the romance part of the game has so much emphasis and its not even good im sorry #you get like 5 maximum moments with a female character where her entire personality is reduced to BLUSH #and thats it #though i guess thats all you need when youre a piece of shit persona fan #still its just weird to me like bitch if you wanna romance people just play a fucking dating sim itll be better #like if i say i like ann for example some dumbass will be like ‘SHES NOT EVEN A GOOD WAIFU YOU HAVE BAD TASTE’ #bitch you know you can like. enjoy a female character without wanting to fuck her right #what did i expect though 😞 #its absurd behavior regardless

[ilonacho]

the fucking audacity of watching the pixar short film “going home” while i’m home for my grandma’s funeral.

#like….. yeah #2 weeks ago i did not know id be here rn #i did not know she would take a turn for the worse this fast #im very thankful things worked out to where i could be here #for my wife and her support and i guess my boss and coworkers for their understanding #i have been lucky to not have been here for the very tough times #im thankful to be here with my family now #theyre doing a lot of new housing in my town now #many buildings i walked by as a kid have been demolished and are being rebuilt #we emptied my grandmas room today. she had only lived there for about 3 weeks before passing #we drive by my mom olds house. the house i grew up in. the new owner still hasnt torn down my old curtains in my old room #the old curtains my grandma had sewn for me when i was a baby #my dad is thinking about moving too. too many new buildings too many new people too much noise #two of my cousins have kids now! and the third one is getting married soonish? her fiance seems nice. he seems like he cares about her #my nephew and niece are so big now. i still havent met my other niece #i wonder if any of my old classmates have had kids? if they moved too? #ill be leaving again on tuesday. itll be a looong day #my parents have more and more grey hairs every time i see them #i dont see my brother as much as id like. hes following his dreams and im proud of him. hes a good kid #anyway the guy who made said short film is literally just like me fr #from germany and had been in the us 5 years (at the time) and making this short film? #just like me fr #anyway. this became one of those diaries for me posts haha #it just really captured how it is really well

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight #bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired #but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do #like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point #why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying #and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened #from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out #like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going #to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks #ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do #when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced #and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions #and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this #will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun #and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up #and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me? #like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire #but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b #ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place #dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code #somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno #ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day #it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse #unrelated #i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard? #let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo

[feralattentionwhore]

They really should drug me because I'm their property and I don't get to choose what goes on. Things just happen and I have to be a good girl and take it.

Just hand me something to eat or drink randomly without any instructions other than to be obedient and take it. Not knowing what's happening but doing what I'm told, obviously

Why should a toy have any options to begin with anyway?

#honestly thats still the best thing about them in terms of like dynamic #not best in general bc yanno they're just so good and funny and sweet and caring and adorable and pretty and i could probably list forever #but literally everything just happens without me having time to think about it #and feels so nice to not have to panic about it for five business days beforehand #things happen and nothing feels like a big deal its all just safe and nice and i don't have to worry #i mean at least until afterwards then i do a lot of that but still #god i love them so much #and appreciate them and everything they do for me and i don't understand how they could think i could possibly deserve it #or them #but they're the best #and i feel so safe and loved when im with them #and i always feel insanely awkward typing things like this out to them in messages and stuff so ill just leave this here and hope they read #but they mean the world to me and every time there's a chance they prove to me how much i can trust them #don't have to worry about anything because i know if its about them itll be okay because they understand me and i hope i understand them #love seems like such a small word compared to her #lgbt nsft #queer nsft #nblw nsft #nsft #lesbian nsft #sapphic nsft #wlw nsft #nsft wlw #wlw ns/fw

[paeonie-s]

im still freaking out abt denji that was such a good fucking chapter

#abt to go insane be warned college orientation is soul draining and awful csm is the only salvation !! #ASA. OH MY GOD HER BACKSTORY. the guilt and responsibility she feels bc someone chose to take care of her over themselves .. so so real #esp relating to parents looking back on how much my parents sacrificed for me i cant help but think that ive caused so many of their current #issues just by existing. bc they chose to turn down opportunities or stay in jobs theyve hated or sacrifice their health all for my sake #and so its so intensely difficult for me to entrust any of my issues to others or like. take up any of their space. living w roommates is #awful i was half asleep last night and my roommates came in and saw me sleeping and turned off the light. and stayed quiet while they walked #around the room. and it pissed me off for some reason bc i assume ppl are being polite/courteous out of some obligation they feel #and i dont like it when ppl assume what i want from them bc i assume itll breed negative feelings towards me #i understand logically ppl are good to others just bc but its not my gut reaction asa was so real istg #HER FRIENDSHIP W YUKO .. SO EMOTIONAL I CANT BELIEVE HOW GOOD THE ART WAS THE PURE DESPERATION. JUST TRYING SO HARD #TO DISREGARD THE FACT YUKO WOULD LIKELY WANT HER TO SAVE HERSELF BC SHE JUST WANTS TO BE THE KIND OF PERSON TO HELP OTHERS ... NOT FUNNY #DIDNT LAUGH. and denji ofc oh my god his intro. well worth it he is so iconic #the cat. need i say more #THE FACT HE TOOK DOWN BAT DEVIL THIS TIME AS FUCKING. COLLATERAL TO A MASSIVE FUCKING COCKROACH DEMON. THE GROWTH I MISSED HIM SM #anyways. read csm i need to find csm fans at college bc ik theyre here and i need to. Know Them. they get it #csm #🌸.txt

[nomaishuttle]

bedtime i surpose.. i loves you all mwhamwhamaha. ok bye

#now for my cursory talking in the tags for 30.minutes #sighhh. i wish i could just copy my little mini globe and put it likee. online.. i had a thang t umm. draw on a globe digitally b4.. but i #cant remember what it ws called sobsobsosbs...ill try n find it tmrw ig... #but umm saurrr yeha. #ig rly i dont have that much 2 talk abt......sry i thot id have more. teehee #i rly wanna try n likeee. do a worldbuilding project... but bc i think it will be good for me to go insane crazy abt something for a while #might crack open world anvil. but also its sooo sucks without a membership... #could always just make Oh so many google docs... #bc now ive got likee. th sort of layout of the planet... ive got pics of my Orb i need to get likeee. more.. all angles even #its judt hard bc like. i have t be super duper careful abt shere i hold it #LEST the devil. #could maybe likee. cut it super carefully??? n lay it flat 2 get a good pic... idk tho sobbing #but ermm. ya :] #now i wanna try n design their solar system...... idk how likee modern theyll be #th people. who live on this planet.. so idk if theyll even know anyfink abt their solr system #but still. itll be good for establishing like. day/night cycles + what the sky looks like.. ALSO i need to decide on like. how big the #planet is... #but hluld i go for that first Orrrr should i go for like.. political/cultural borders first... hrm hrm hrm much t think abt #i also need to decide on biomes/climate for each part of th workd.. smiles #ik if yr likee. writing. you arent suppsoed to worry abt this stuff too early #but i havent written since likee..2018-19 and im not abt to start... this is just mein special little project!!!! #thank gd my talkatice nature came back now im all tuckered out. which would be a SUPER rude thing 2 say if i ws hanging out with my friend #tucker. i dont have a friend named tucker but if i did that wouldbe been a shitty thing 2 say to him.... #but ermm ya. if nybody wants to brainstorm random little worldbuilding stuff... smiles at u #my dream is to get SUPER deep into it... with conlangs and astuff .. but i also have a super duper short attention span with projects like #this. no matter how much i beatmyself up over it... #but its ok... gngngngn i love you all beautiful people in my phone :]

[strwbrymlkshake]

literalyl insane if my dumb feelings don't go away I'll have to start a normal normal rant tag for him I think –_–

#mine #i feel so bad i havent talked to anyone except my group thats involved in my hyperfixation recently uwagh #i will try to take a break tomorrow. hyperfixation doubled with guy im kind of obsessed with creates literally no time for anything else #im still taking care of myself while being so fixated i cant move for several hours. good on me for that #anyways anyways i tried not to be deranged today. not even fathoming romance atm im just happy i get to be around him teehee #made me rly think about how hes been very chill with everything ive ever said to him even tho i am a little freak . which is uncommon #i am not daydreaming about it because itll break my fucking heart but im content for now i think :) i like hanging out with him #'im normal about him' proceeds to talk abt him on my yandere blog. #im not feeling yanderish i just dont have another place to talk abt this stuff so here it is! bon appetite #im not rly freaking out as much and im good at distancing myself from him. even tho idk if anything will happen im trying to #practice controlling my insane person feelings when around him ;-; im doing good i THINK i havent been as weird #my thoughts around him are all weird and distorted and not quite romantic (yet?) but i know that i just feel comfortable w him #im:) im happy im enjoying. watch him get a partner immediately after this and i go batshit bc that is my freakin luck #well it doesnt matter i had a good time while i could and thats what counts ig . had only a smidgen of hope anyways! but its ok #i am so jaded to romance i am going to accept whatever happens and hope its atleast funny . and he finds humor in it #n i would get to hear his horrid laugh. itd be nice. i like it its very contagious. his voice maxes my brain out in serotonin #he was messing around w me in [hyperfixation] and i really enjoyed the attention hwuwhidhekfn made me flustered #i was saying like Romantic CodedTM things to him and he was just giving indecisive responses but not elaborating . so who knows #im not fretting or anything like its fun its chill i feel relaxed !! very casual stuff am having a good time. he has beautiful eyes also. #hes so talented and knows what hes doing. and hes so freaking smart he knows so much stuff oh my god. #i keep having repeated dreams abt him its weird fjdjfjdk. normal things to say abt ur friend btw. normal #i think his fascination w [redacted] is so beautiful his memory is rly good too. im NORMAL i swear #i like to cause spectacles that are memorable and funny so he pays attention to me more. i like attention from everyone but his is esp. fun #i love my friends so much i tell them that i appreciate them everyday. i hope they know they are loved so much #i probably just love the side of himself he chooses to show n not his authentic true self bc online stuff oh well #tho i do feel if you spend an ungodly amnt of hrs straight with someone then you are bound to know them more intimately #i love doing absolutely nothing with my friends and make our own fun in boredom. reminds me of my childhood #maybe i am allowed to think abt him awkwardly patting me on the head. as a treat #this guy reminds me of a previous love interest too except he doesnt emotionally abuse me or himself and has a freaking soul #💿

[be-good-to-bugs]

i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa

#the bin #i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious #so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh. #i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad #im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20 #more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long #and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful #i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed #and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what #else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option #i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed! #it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them #all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister #also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be. #i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul #fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh. #how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon #and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some #i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to #all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone #besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider #friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period #i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho. #i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past #8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me. #its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone #it will get better. it has to.

[depresseddepot]

my cat's surgery is scheduled and the recovery will be. pretty intense

#i have to do little physical therapy exercises with him three times a day #which. fine? i can do that #but he has to be confined to a small area where he cannot run or jump for 3 whole months #and that shit is going to be ROUGH #a week? sucks but i could handle it #THREE MONTHS?? of my little boy not being able to move and having to be in a cone? #i've spent the last 6 days like. paralyzed because I'm just WAITING #waiting and watching him in pain!!!!! #first i was waiting for the vet apt now im waiting for the surgery #and after that itll be 3 months of waiting for him to recover #maybe its the looming dread of how ALL of my routines will be out the fucking window #and i have so much shit to do the next few weeks #the body must survive to care for my cat (and it will) but the mind will tap out early i think #3 months of cold compresses and warm compresses and physical therapy and 2 weeks of cone and 8 weeks of limited mobility #and i have two finals due next week that i haven't even started uwu #i mean maybe thats good? #i can work on those on my laptop sitting in his little cage maybe #:( #at least my parents are paying for the surgery. i have to remember that #i am still on track to graduate. i can still get the goddamn hell out of here eventually #but i have been so nervous for the past week i can literally feel the cortisol in my bloodstream #(thats an exaggeration i know that isnt how stress or cortisol works) #he's going to have a nakey leg. like a rotisserie chicken #oughhgh i feel the anxiety eating me like bugs!!!!!!! #the deep breathing isn't working batman. or whatever that reference is

[lunarcry]

theres no way i have to wait until march for leoneeds album

#stardust speaking ! #is that real. no way. its so far away....................................is calc & lost&found rly on it im gonna loop that for days #leoneeds heartbeat0822 made me cry<3333 the 2dmv is so pretty..its always been one of my favorite papiyon songs (and a song i rly #care about in general) so im just ssooo glad the leoneed ver is so pretty................. #can the jp event end faster so they can upload the 2dmv. its gonna be full ver right. right #anytime i listen to it im like this is how wxs 8th prince can win (only thinks of keep only one love & sakurasaku i want mmj to get #shizuku haruka miku sakurasaku is my vision. colorpale cmon #or monaca factory.........colorpale hire me ill script and direct everything #ok im gonna stop before i start talking too much. i q'd alienalien and rimokon #if i write this week itll be a miracle tbh (has not written in months star emoji teehee #have a good one ppl

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hhhhh 🫠 gotta love when instead of doing literally anything im stuck anxiously vibrating for hours #like if u just did things. things would get done! thats how this works! wtf r u doing??? #2 manuscripts that r supposed to be done now and 2 applications left to complete #my mum thinks i should let my boss kno thst my brain is collapsing in on itself and like yea i prob should bc i should apologize for being #all weird and disorganized. my brain feels so weird. like it takes so so much processing power for me to remember wtf i was doing and what #i have to do next but like if i tell her it wont really change anything bc its like i have to meet these deadlines either way #also i have to b careful bc i dont wanna say yea i got horrifically burned out taking measurements but like im sure itll be fine that i #have to go back to taking measurements in January. like no prob. weve only been building up to it all year #and i kno if i say im burned out she'll be like u gotta relax more! i told u to relax so we wouldnt b here! #and then i have to be like no u dont fucking understand that i cant relax. i never relax. my life is a series of tasks and thinking abt #tasks and worrying forever. if u tell me to relax i will agony spiral for hours not relaxing and not being productive 🙃 #i just need my brain to allow me to focus long enough to get these fucking manuscripts done #but no my brain is like if u wanna do thing u gotta find the perfect audio but also i cant focus as well with audio but also i cant even #find the right thing to listen to anyway. and my brain is like u need one device playing media and 1 playing music #and like no stop. just fucking focus and stop falling apart #time time time not enough and far too much #its so weird bc i think im pretty level headed and self aware despite how my brain is sometimes. but it keeps doing this thing where #like everything gets so distorted and im like jesus its a good thing otherwise pretty grounded #blah tomorrow well see whst comes outta my mouth when i tslk to my boss #ugh im so tired whyyyyyyyyy #i cant even make proper time to draw #unrelated

[235uranium]

god reading about the state of things rn makes me want to just break shit

#☢️.txt #the fun thing about being physically disabled is that i cant do most of the things that would be of the most help #calling reps is all i have and they just dont fucking care! they dont care! #im almost always an optimist who believes the best of humaninity but this shit is so fucking bleak #israel is going to continue their genocide and the us is gonna help no matter how much us citizens actually complain because they dont care #theyve never cared. us foreign policy has never been based on democracy its just based on pure imperialism and white supremacy n capitalism #but i think usually its. usually i can just assume the average american doesnt know #most americans are calling for a ceasefire and we cant even get that fucking done #because the government doesnt care! they dont fucking care! #and unfortunately the left is so fucking disorganized at the moment. maybe itll finally actually galvanize people but. itll be too late #im trying not to despair bc i know myself and i know that despair doesnt motivate me #i know that unfortunately my anger rarely translates into action #but god. i just want to scream. does it matter if most of humanity is good if the people in power #will sit and watch atrocities?

[thecolorsfucked]

i wish i didnt start having a meltdown whenever someone is caring towards me i hate that kindness hurts so much makes me panic and hate myself more makes me angry and hostile when friends care about me i feel this storm this tornado of pain and rage and misery bcuz this isnt supposed to be happening and if i believe it then itll hurt more bcuz its not real and i know thats all uk spiral depression traumatalk but god idk how to stop nice things from hurting me so much

#ty for all of the kind words and like trying to make me see there are positive qualities to me #but my traumabrain is terrified of accepting maybe im not scum under a shoe #bcuz if i think maybe ppl truly love me and care and i deserve it just like they do #then itll hurt so much more when it goes to shit #i dont wanna be 5 again being told that im not loved and will be left behind #for someone else #i cant deal w that again #and ik ill never be 5 again ik itll never be That again #but it feels like if i trust anything good or kind to be real then #itll be That again

[symbioticsimplicity]

You know, I'm always wondering why I can't stop clenching my jaw. It hurts, and I'm constantly reminding myself to stop, but even in my sleep I can't seem to manage it. But then I do things like crush the cockroach climbing up my leg while I'm laying in bed and I'm like "Oh yeah that's right." Its more of a wonder that I haven't broken *more* of my teeth.

#vent post #hi I'm really fucking stressed #also im lowkey living someone's worst nightmare #but I'm too goddamn tired and dissociative to care much anymore??? #cockroach on my person in bed?? #yeah thats the third time this month this apartment just be like that #pulling a huge chunk of broken tooth out of my mouth?? #honestly it kinda feel better now without it stabbing me I'm sure itll get infected less too #eat once a day at best??? sure its not like I'm working a physically intensive job #that requires a lot more calories than I would normally eat #(spoiler alert I am) #chronic pain made significantly worse by said job?? #well good thing I've got a crazy pain tolerance and tendency to dissociate!! #its not like constant high grade physical pain is considered torture! #and if that pairs with sleeping like shit because of the aforementioned roaches??? #ah who cares its not like I need more than three to five hours anyhow!! #at this point I honestly think I could deal with a saw trap without much of a fuck given #and thats ought to be alarming but I cant feeeeeeeeeeel 🙃 #personal #sam speaks