#i literally have no motivation to write just give me until it hits 2 am tonight and i’ll go crazy

[flowerbxuquet]

thinking abt tag teaming Lottie w Nat. Lottie being smushed between you and Nat while you both fuck and praise her, Lottie being a whimpering mess as she begs you two not to stop but after three or four orgasms—she’s in tears, telling both of you she can’t take anymore. You and Natalie just grin, telling her to be a good girl and take it. 🤭🤭🤭

#my digital footprint is gonna be crazy #i literally have no motivation to write just give me until it hits 2 am tonight and i’ll go crazy #yellowjackets smut #lottie matthews smut #natalie scatorccio smut #lottienat #lottienat smut #lottienat x reader

[lurkinglurkerwholurks]

do you have any advice for writing long fics/series??? I have so many I've been wanting to write but the last times I've tried I always lost motivation, so now I'm scared to try 😭

Ohhh, been there. Okay, so I've done it two different ways, and odds are high that you've only tried one, so maybe whichever you haven't done before, do the other?

Method 1: Write it all, then post one chapter at a time only once complete. That's how I wrote my early multi-chapter series. I was so worried I'd get bored or stuck and bail before I did what I wanted to do, I made sure all of my chapters were written before I posted anything. If you're addicted to the serotonin of feedback, that's fine, find a writing buddy who will read your WIP so you're still getting some of that spark along the way, but don't put up anything public until you're all done and ready to rock and roll.

Side note: This is also a pretty good way to build a bit of a following on AO3. If you promise people up front that everything IS done and written and it WILL finish and you give them a regular posting schedule—a chapter every Tuesday or whatever—they'll subscribe and happily follow along because there's no risk. Short of you getting hit by a bus or something, I guess.

Method 2: If, however, you've tried the above and that's where you're getting stuck, do the opposite. Maybe sketch out some rough notes to yourself on where you want to end up with the fic, just so you know you're heading in the right direction, but then let go of the need for control a little and post as you go along. That's what I had to do for my two biggest fics because they took literal years. Actual literal years, plural. The fear of leaving things dangling might be more motivating than you realize.

Some things to remember:

It's okay to start small. Like, it's tempting to dive right into a mega-sprawling epic of a fic with 100 chapters or whatever, but it's also okay to... not... do that. Try a fic with a few chapters instead. Build that muscle. Get used to writing beyond oneshots. Pre-built structures like 5+1 might help you build that muscle as well.

Sometimes you just gotta... do it. Like, that sucks, I know, it would be nice if there were an easy trick, believe me. Like, the fic I am procrastinating on is not a long one, but it's kicking my butt and it's so frustrating. But I'm getting it done a literal line at a time—for every ask I answer, I make myself hop over into my doc and write another line. Some nights I'm literally messaging Audrey like "I just want to get one sentence done before bed." And I stack one sentence after another until it's done.

It's okay to procrastinate a little. Emphasis on little. It sounds like you get stuck, procrastinate some, then don't stop procrastinating, but it's okay to give yourself a little break. My two biggest fics spawned so many other fics because I would hop from the chapter I would be working on to my distraction fic... until I needed to be distracted from that fic and then my chapter was the distraction!

It's also okay to combine the above methods. For Nature and Nurture, my first big fic, I used Method 2 allllll the way up to, like, the last three chapters or so. I was so scared of fumbling it all at the end that I switched to Method 1 for the last chunk, made myself write it ALL, and didn't post anything else until it was all written.

You can do it!!

#I need a general ask tag #fanfic writer problems #writing advice

[vantekoos]

Curse | jjk (m)

Pairing: Jungkook x reader

Genre: established relationship, smut

Word count: 800+

Warnings: literally smut without a plot, switch jk, dom reader in this sense, Jungkook is whiney, handjob (m), Jungkook looks at reader’s nudes with consent, boobies nudes, ass nudes…that’s it

Summary: With you gone for work, Jungkook grows impatient and decides to help himself out with the thought of you.

Notes: I’ve been writing one shots and deleting them because I’m a perfectionist, but I promised myself to post this one to get some feedback! So, all feedback is welcomed!

P.s: this is low key all over the place, but bear with me. I’m kind of all over the place right now too.

Oh, he looked like such a pathetic little slutty boy.

Mind occupied with having you home so you could take care of him.

And he felt like one as well.

Time read 2:33 am on his phone, right above the picture of your perky tits displayed on his screen.

You were away for work, working late hours again to pay for school like always. Usually, Jungkook could wait for you to come home to help with his…issue. However, he was impatient.

Plus, the tightening in his pants was getting too suffocating.

He was hesitant to fix his problem. Perhaps he was worried to be caught and teased to death for pleasuring himself without even waiting a few extra hours.

In his defense, Jungkook had you on his mind all day. From those cute voice messages that showed off your pretty sexy voice to the teasing messages you sent just to rile him up.

You were captivating, alluring, and amazing all at once. And he needed to be inside you now.

Reaching over the nightstand to open the drawer, aimlessly grabbing his AirPods to connect to his phone.

If he was going to jerk himself off, he needed some motivation.

Clicking out of his pictures, he goes onto to Spotify to look for a certain song that reminded him of you to a perfect ten.

The Internet’s Palace/Curse begins to play in his headphones, though he skips it to Curse because of its tempo.

It reminded him so much of you on top, riding his slow with him under your curse. It nearly has his breaths unequal, brining a soft smile to his lips.

Swiping back to his nude pictures of you, the tight fitted black t-shirt that once covered Jungkook bare chest was between his teeth by the hem.

Finally, his tattooed hand rubs softly at his chest and down his smooth abs. Peaking from the band of his boxers, his happy trail shows on his v-line. Though, he doesn’t waste any time on unbuckling his belt.

The clicking of the metal sounds the room until he pulls down his pants past his thighs, having his boxers still sit on his hips.

A sigh of relief leaves his lips, eyes flutter shut when he wraps a hand around his cock over the thin material.

Of course it felt nothing close to your touch, but it was enough to leave him thinking of you.

Pushing his hand underneath the band of his boxers, he grabs his cock from the base and slowly moves his hand up and down. Precum leaks from the tip, giving just enough lubricant for immersed pleasure.

Jungkook relaxes against the pillow cushions, teeth biting harder on his shirt as soft sighs and moans leave his lips. His eyes stare at the screen, studying the way your ass could barley fit in his hands. Or the way your tits sat pretty when you gave him a handjob in the next video of his camera roll.

It was enough to have his hand move faster, eyebrows furrowed from concentration of this mental fantasy. The pictures, videos, and music was the key to have him completely memorized on the thought of you.

Feeling his foreskin drag when his hand goes from tip to base has him in complete agony for your touch. The quick thumps of his fist hitting his stomach sounds the room, letting it be the music filling the empty room while soft tunes plays in his ears.

“Fuck,” Jungkook breathes out shakily, his fist tightens onto his phone before releasing his shirt from his lips.

At this point, he didn’t care who could hear or if you’d walk in. He was too far gone in the pleasure.

Twisting his hand on every stroke has his hips rising up to meet his fist. It embarrassing how desperate he was to cum. Though, it was more so embarrassing to hear those whiney little gasps and moans whenever he felt his cock throb against his hand.

The tip of his cock leaks more drops of precum, become slick and fast as the sound of his movements grow louder and louder. No longer did Jungkook whine quietly, your name was groan out every so often when he felt his climax approach.

“A-Ah please baby–baby,” Jungkook whimpers.

Jungkook’s mouth opens slightly, eyes squeezed shut, and brows furrowed that he completely falls apart. His chest rises and falls from panting, cums coaxing his hand of thick white stripes of cum. It was euphoric, the feeling, to have a climax with you in his mind.

Even a soft smile appears on his lips of pure satisfaction, having his hand take out his AirPods to have a sound of keys at the other end of the room.

“You’re so dirty,” your voice echoes throughout the room. Kicking your shoes off, you crawl onto the bed with a smirk big enough to have Jungkook’s smile disappear.

He didn’t know if he was to feel ashamed or excited. Though, you on the other hand, was delighted to see that your boyfriend couldn’t keep his hands to himself.

“Guess you really couldn’t wait.”

#bts #kpop #jungkook #bts jeon jungguk #bts x reader #bts smut #jungkook smut #bts reactions #jungkook oneshot #jungkook drabble

[nymphbunnyys]

Hello my beautiful slasher mutual, I am back again >:)

I'm in eastern Canada and we just went through Hurricane Fiona, the strongest hurricane we've ever experienced here. A tree fell on my house in the night and I'm on day 2 of an estimated 6-7 day power outage.

If you have time and feel up to it can we get some Vincent and/or Bo (Vincent if you can only do 1) comfort? I imagine the boys have been through some pretty intense summer storms and hurricanes down in Louisiana and some good ol fashion comfort/fluff from them during a hurricane would be mighty fine right about now.

It can be gender neutral so all my hurricane babes can enjoy some comfort in this rough time.

Thank you so much🖤🔪

Dear god please tell me you are okay!! Know you can message me whenever you need to! I literally was about to come back from my break but hurricane Fiona hit Canada and power was out for a good while. Power is obviously back on and I finally have motivation to write again that and I’ve been playing dead by daylight and seeing Michael constantly made me wanna come back. I hope this is alright even if it’s late.. oppsies. But I missed you dearly darling so please enjoy as being one of many people who get their request written first! Also I’m getting a ghostface mask and doing a female ghostface cosplay soon as he’s been my recent obsession. would me posting some pics in cosplay be approved by you darlings?

Hurricanes

Vincent and Bo comforting their g/n s/o during a hurricane

Bo Sinclair

“Oh baby doll there ain’t nothing to be scared of. I’m right here”

due to the hurricane Bo prepared ahead of time. Something very unlike him. He had the bathtub filled in case any water supply’s were damaged, candles were placed and ready to be lit, there are extra batteries on the bed side table, ice water bottles ready to be put in the fridge to keep everything cold until power would be back.

And now. The two of you lay side by side, Bo letting his fingers brush some hair away from your forehead as he watched you wince at the trees wiping their branches against the window. Bo frowned his brows, placing his hand against your cheek and giving you a gentle look. “Darlin’ it’s just some trees, it’ll pass on by in no time try and close those pretty eyes and get some sleep” this was also very unusual for Bo, not that him being like any boyfriend and loving you was rare, he loved you dearly he just.. had a hard time comforting, and a hard time opening up so him being like this was a rare sight. Maybe it was you being so scared of the wind, maybe it made you look small and fragile whatever it was it made him to want to hold you until you fell asleep. He let his hand slide down your arm and slowly let it go limp as his eyes closed. Enjoying the peace and quiet now that you were some what calmed down. It wasn’t until there was a large gust of wind and a branch had smacked the window hard. You jumped up, hands clutching the blanket as you looked to Bo, who was some how still fast asleep. Your hands came to his bare bicep, shaking him slightly as you looked around the pitch black room.

“Bo.. please get up..” it was only until he heard your trembling voice that he managed to flicker his eyes open slightly and pull you in without any words, his hands holding your head against his chest as he fixed his head against his pillow, closing his eyes once again. His fingers danced their way down your back, tracing small circles and letting out soft hums when he moved every once and a while.

“Love.. you”

Vincent Sinclair

It was so quiet you could hear the dripping of the melting wax all around Vincent’s room, if that wasn’t enough to freak you out then the wind definitely was. It whipped around every which way, rain fell heavily and the sound of the power shutting down and the room being lit with wispy flames sent your body to chills. Vincent much like his brother had been fast sleep beside you, his back facing your way. Your eyes squinted back at your book trying to read the now dark words. With a sigh you let your book close and set it beside you on the floor, your hands shakily coming back up to press your legs to your chest. Hurricanes had been a fear of yours ever since you were child, such a deep rooted fear that most times it would leave you in tears. But with embarrassment you’d never told Vincent about it as after all.. it was only wind. The room creaked, groaned as the gusts of wind abused the sidings of the home.

Your eyes peered over the peacefully sleeping Vincent, watching as his shoulders raised up and down slowly, soft snores escaping his slightly parted lips. If it wasn’t for the wind.. you’d let him sleep not wanting to disturb him but anxiety got the better of you as a loud knock on the side of the house caused you to slightly jolt, your finger moved to tap Vincent on the back quickly. When he woke he slowly sat up, blankets draped over his legs as his tired body moved to look at you, slowly coming to the realization of your state. With only one look he had you held into his arms, his head rest against the wall the bed was placed against, his hands squeezed you close before pulling the blankets over your shoulders and letting you rest against him.

“I’m sorry.. it’s such a stupid reason I shouldn’t even have woken y-“

Vincent only shook his head and placed a long finger against your lips, using his other hand to pat your back soothingly. With a kiss to your head and a soft sigh he nuzzled his back into his pillows and made himself stay awake until you fell asleep first.

#slasher x reader #slasher x s/o #slasher x y/n #slasher x you #slasher hcs #slasher headcanons #slasher imagines #bo sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair x you #vincent sinclair x reader #bo sinclair x y/n #bo sinclair x you

[icarusisstillflying]

💥 writeblr intro 💥

hiii folks, this is gonna be my writeblr (hopefully we’ll see how motivated i am) so i want to do a little intro!!

about me

you can call me layne, or if u want to call me icarus, that works too

queer

they/them

disabled with like a million chronic illnesses

21 yrs old

i’m a college dropout with absolutely no plan ahaha

i work as a barista and am looking for music gigs on the side (i still need to get better at the music part oops)

currently reading: Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

about my writing

i write mostly fiction/sci-fi/fantasy

almost all of my characters have powers or magic or aren’t even completely human

i like to write really cool fight scenes, i don’t care if they seem unreasonable, pretend it’s an anime idk. they have superpowers they can do anything

i like to explore the darker elements of these powers and worlds, so a lot of my work is nsfw bc of gore and stuff like that

like incorporating horror into my stories as well as just writing horror too

i write diverse characters and do the best research i can; if someone notices i’ve made a mistake or have accidentally written something insensitive, please let me know! i am always learning!

if i could draw i would make all of my works graphic novels as my choice of media, but alas, i am incapable of doing much more than staring at my tablet and getting angry when the picture doesn’t draw itself

my wips:

Generation Six

sci-fi, superpowers

a woman spends her entire life recruiting people known as Guardians to help protect the world from danger, but the biggest threat she’s ever faced is about to upend it all. not to mention the evil little shadow demon that lives in her head is constantly trying to overtake her and go on a murderous rampage. she’s a bit busy.

large cast, multiple povs

this series is on the back burner for now, i just am not sure where i want to go with it

an untitled pirate story

fantasy, magic gay pirates

the most feared pirates in the world is a crew of six people… and a magic cat? the captain is searching for the greatest treasure known to humankind, and she’d probably have it already, if they didn’t keep hitting all these roadblocks. seablocks? they’re on a boat.

small main cast

Murders of Crow Creek

western setting with supernatural/paranormal elements

a small town sheriff recruits an interesting group of people to help her solve a string of murders: a witch of the Dark Gods, a bounty hunter with a memory problem, a demon killer with a smoking problem, and a bartender with one arm and a hell of a lot of knives tucked in his boots. what’s the worst that could happen? ignore the all out war between gods that they accidentally get themselves into

small main cast

there’s ghosts, demons, angels, vampires, all sorts of supernatural beings just chillin in the wild west

personally love this one bc the main character, the sheriff, is just getting too old for this nonsense; she’s also a big time lesbian yeehaw

Kid Mother

sci-fi, post-apocalyptic

a disease has wiped out nearly the entire human population. if things weren’t already bad, this disease made it so that babies just. couldn’t be born. until one is. with the human population dwindling, and groups trying to speed up that process, our main character has to travel across the country with the first baby that’s been born in two decades so that scientists may be able to find a way to fix this entire thing. no problem.

very small cast

us vs the world trope

other info

i love answering literally any questions about my wips so pleeeeeaaaase ask away!!

i’ll probably also post any fanfics i write bc i have a lot of them, and i really need somewhere to share them oopsies

any advice about other places i can share my writing would be appreciated

please refrain from giving criticism unless it’s 1. constructive and 2. something i asked for :) sometimes i just Can Not Handle It

i do not tolerate any form of bigotry. if i see any clownery on any of my stuff, you will be blocked and reported. just don’t be an ass.

uhhh i think that’s about it? not sure what else to put in a writeblr intro, so if you made it this far, thank you so much! hopefully i will have more detailed posts about those wips up at some point before the year ends! follow if your interested, i’ll probs follow back :)

💥

#writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #my wips #works in progress #writeblr intro #intro

[mokutone]

I'm drawing Kakashi for the first time (as much as I love them, I rarely ever draw naruto characters so this is a little fun and new for me) and I'm struggling a little bc I'm trying to draw him relaxed, reclining with pakkun (in the way I recline with my cat) and I'm realizing there's something so personal abt drawing him in such a vulnerable pose ig. Like? I'm very tired too rn so maybe I'm being extra emotional and rambly but there are so few scenes of kakashi in canon where he's not wearing the jounin vest, where he's alone and relaxed and out of uniform. And I didn't realize it until I was trying to think back to other similar scenes and there really weren't any. and I'm kind of mesmerized by how you draw him because you capture that so so well, your art is gorgeous but it's also so real and expressive in a way that shows a lot of practice and a lot of love. Idk i think I've said this before and I'm sorry if it's annoying that I'm saying it again (I'll just shut up after this lol) but I went to an art school and I had massive burnout and only really started drawing again in the past 6 months and you were one of my inspirations 2 start drawing again and I'm still not as good as I'd like to be but I draw so much more now and having an actual passion for art has led to a huge improvement, so thank you and thank u for bearing with me and my sleep-deprived rambles. I think my original point got sidetracked. I forgot why i started writing this ask.

dkgjhsdgkjdshg no i think you're 100% right abt the kakashi relaxed thing, even when we see him "relaxed" he doesn't ever really Look relaxed. like

here he is chilling out in the hot springs. this man does not look relaxed but he DOES look exhausted and maybe a little like he's gotten lost. somebody help this confused man find the exit.

anyway art + motivation talk beneath the cut

djhsdkjghsdkjhg thank u for all the compliments abt my art, i do work really hard in order to draw expressive characters, and spend a lot of time paying attention to how the small details in posture and expression change how the character comes across, and im glad it pays off!

also yeah no, similarly, once i left art school (when the pandemic hit) i did have a good 6 months where i did not pick up the pencil even once, and like, usually i feel rlly bad or guilty when i'm not drawing, but my burnout was real bad and i was straight up angry abt everything dgkjhsdgkjh so i just...didn't draw for like 6 months. i didn't even feel bad about it bc i was too busy being angry

and i had a bad relationship with art at the time and eventually realized i kind of had to like? make a different relationship with art—like, try to stop seeing art as something which gave me fundamental worth as a human being, or part of who i am? you know? that's a LOT of pressure to put on just...something that i do. if i took that kind of approach to literally any other task in my life, i'd never do it. imagine thinking that the way and style with which you descend the stairs gives you your worth as a person and if you don't do it exactly right then it means you're worthless as a person? buddy i'd just find a way to go down and out through the window LMAO

i think this is the thing which gives a lot of people burnout, it's exhausting to be constantly working on something and ALSO believe that if you fuck it up even a little, it's because you are the fuckup, and a fundamental failure of a person. god thats so much pressure.

anyway so i decided to make a naruto art blog because i don't even like naruto That Much but my best friend had been trying to get me into it for years (ty kate ilu kate), and so any art that i made would be purely for fun, wouldn't have anything to do with my self worth, and might make kate laugh too, and that's why this blog exists! and taking the pressure off of creating art like that has been enormously helpful to my mental health and my ability to create, also i take breaks alllllll the time, i'm like...way healthier about my art thanks to that, and also just...a nicer person, i think? anyway i'm very glad that i inspired you to get back into art but i'm far more glad that you've found a passion for it, cultivating that passion and joy is so important

#a lot of the way i approach art is bc i worked with kids for a while and like. u can kinda tell when a kid is at the breaking point w/ art #where they're like ''if one more thing goes wrong i am going to Lose It'' #+ at that point as a ''teacher'' u have to pick between giving them critique on their artwork to improve OR letting it go + saying their #art is good and they're doing really well #and i always pick the second one—LIKE. once the kid is no longer feeling soooo frustrated abt their art that they're at a breakin point? #THEN we can talk critique. and even then i will still tell them what they're doing well #until theyre at that point tho its all ''yeah!!! you're killing it! look at these new skills you're learning! look how you're improving!'' #''look how funny/beautiful/exciting/cool your piece is!!!!'' #because first and foremost. i think that art should be enjoyed #having creation as a friend and ally vs A Duty is sooo important #TO BE CLEAR LIKE. this is also still technically a form of critique #i dont just say ''good job champ! great work doing art!'' if u wanna compliment art and have it mean something you do have to be #specific about what is good...not ''that looks great!'' but ''wow you draw really fabulously detailed noses! #or ''wow the fashion you're drawing is really cool—i wish i had that jacket!'' like. #as in all things. compliments and praise are only meaningful if they are /meant/ and you cant fake that #MY POINT IS. if we want to take the pressure off ourselves with art. i think we also gotta treat ourslves like this #look at what we're doing and compliment things we genuinely think weve improved upon. love our successes #nothing better for the ego than to compare new art to old art and look at what weve changed #i should do some redraws at some point #my jutsu

[rottytops]

i definitely think the adhd medication (successfully) rewired my brain and made me seek out long term goals over short term pleasure like i have been literally my entire life so now my current goals are to unfuck my credit to move away from my shitty roomies, get my new car and actually get into an ltr lmao

SUPRISINGLY ENOUGH 2 of these 3 goals are either in progress or very obtainable ive been saving a tunna cash and i can get a new car next month after i get my license renewed and ive found this cute little studio that i can maybe move into if i get help co-signing it, then ill just camp out there until my loans are paid off in 50000 years

the last one though.,,,,its so weird. the like. burning fervor to date someone long term kinda slugged me in the back of the head! ive always WANTED a nice relationship but it was never a PRIORITY to me bc i had video games or whatever. these new feelings made me realize ive been living my life like. entirely for myself which is FINE but my standards for myself (combined with how ADHD made me content with literally anything as long as it was easy) make me like. gutter trash tier as a partner, i think. essentially as i am now, unless the other person is equal parts deranged and shitty, im utterly unlovable which is like. tough tits i guess. but if im honest about it i can at least try to change it. part of me is conflicted; if i have to change myself to become more datable, is the person really dating me, or am i just creating a false persona to get conditional love. its a scary thought but at the same time im not really changing MYSELF past getting in shape and taking care of my skin, its more im giving up on being a dopamine addicted manchild and getting my own apartment. with my own car and stuff...these are actually just completely normal goals to have and i already wanted them i just kinda have new motivation for it lmao!

you cant just force a relationship and theres no way im attracting the hoes to me in my shitty room, so i think i need to??? go??? outside??? and hang out with ppl??? utterly mortifying but when i get my car next month i think i can actually do that. id like to make more irl friends as well, i had a bunch of friends in college so. i guess ill go to more smash locals or something but outside of that sigh sigh i have no idea.

these major revelations have all hit me in like the past 2 weeks, since i started my medication and the dosage was upped, i have a lot of work to do and not that much time to do it, really!!!! i hope i can become someone like. worth keeping around in a few months time...!!! the pieces are there i just need to like, put them together....



i could write a whole thing on how mad i am that it took me so long to get medicated and how fast i became a Normal Person after being on meds but like idk that line of thinking doesnt help anybody...!! i accomplished so much even with my debilitating ADHD and now i can do so much more with a mindset that can actually handle the shit neurotypical people expect me to be able to do, considering how im literally good at everything, combined with how ive managed to survive this long with almost no real help from irl people (seriously ive gotten more assistance from my online friends than literally anybody in my family both financially and emotionally) means that me WITH medication is gonna go absolutely insane. im going to be like ultra rich this time next year, probably LMAO....or at least have a boyfriend AURHUFG



anyway if u read this for some reason i love u and also give me ideas on going out and meeting people, i think i can hold a conversation just fine but where do people even GO. do you guys think ppl at bars or whatever know about disgaea. hmmm.

#ultra long post talking abt me and my new goals since starting medication #you can also read this as me moaning about being single but. shut up.

[everybodyshusband]

Ok so I'm not really back to normal but I'm gonna ignore my tummy for a couple minutes in favour of talking to you because I've been dying to send another ask after your wonderful responses!!!

I'll send it in sort of bullet points bc idek if anything I'm saying is even coherent and this might be easier for you to understand? (Or it might not, I'm sorry) In my brain everything makes sense but then sometimes when I say it out loud or write it it's like "what the hell is she saying rn?" So here I go:

- that bit you wrote about swiss and Copia with the soap and swiss stops swearing even when not regressed... oh, it has my heart... Poor baby, I hope Copia makes it up to him with lots of cuddles! I can imagine them laying in bed, Swiss with his head on Copia's chest, as Copia kisses his forehead/hair/nose/whatever he can reach, and promises it's never going to happen again over and over until swiss believes him and eventually falls asleep... (He even drools a little in his sleep, but don't tell him shhhh)

- I understood what you meant about the part I thought I didn't understand in the rain fic! Ugh every time I read that fic I just wanna give him the biggest hug my poor baby... Their dynamic in that fic is so "it's rotten work" 'not to me, not if it's you' I'm screaming and sobbing about it 😭🥹😍

- I will literally always enable you to ramble about any of your fics! Anything! I'm interested!!! I promise!!!! Anything you want to bring up??? Guess what!? I'm all ears!!! Always!!

-not gonna lie I felt pretty shitty all day bc of my tummy (and still do) but your super sweet responses and thinking about sending you an ask kept me a bit motivated (and distracted from the fact that tomorrow is Monday and I gotta work 😭) so thank you!

- I wanted to ask if there's a specific fic that's close to your heart or one that you like a bit more or one you wish got more attention? Because I'll get my greedy lil paws all over it in like 2 seconds flat and start discussing it... I think I've read everything you've posted but I wanna hear your thoughts on your own stuff too!! 💓💓💕💗💗💖💖💗

You're probably sleeping rn and you'll probably see this tomorrow so I hope you slept well and the day ahead is good to you! 🩷

ooh, my darling anon, i've been hoarding this and all your other asks for much, much too long, i am so, so sorry !!! please know i love and appreciate each and every one of your kind words, even if it takes me a very long time to respond 💙

under the cut because of length, haha :'D

i hope that by now your tummy has settled down a bit, i'm sorry this bout of stomach issues seemed to hit you so hard :0 (oh, and don't worry ! your asks always make perfect sense, my friend !!)

don't worry, after the incident, copia makes sure to give soooo much extra love and care to swiss. that ghoul is not escaping those cuddles from copia without plentiful doses of extra love and chaste forehead, cheek and nose kisses, haha !! copia is so very willing to reassure swiss that he's safe and that it won't happen again, you're right (and you're also very right in that swiss drools right onto copia's papal vestments, but not to worry, the stain comes out ...eventually)

ah !! i'm glad it's making more sense now :D i have a chronic case of the "does not write the things in his head into the actual fic" haha !! i agree that rainy deserves all the hugs in the world, it's a very icky headspace for the poor little guy to be in and he deserves so many hugs for doing his best to navigate it. whether or not he accepts the hugs though is another story entirely...

again, i hope your tummy is feeling better by now. or maybe it's been long enough that you've cycled around into another rough patch ? ooh, i hope not. but either way, i'm sending you so many good tummy vibes, hehe <3 (and maybe you'll take solace in the fact that as i'm answering this, tomorrow is a wednesday rather than a monday ?)

ooooh, that's difficult, haha !! the rain fic you mentioned before is the one that's closest to my heart at the moment, i think. but i'm also quite attached to my most recent ficlet with regressed aeon and zephyr because oh my goodness, i love their dynamic and i want to explore it as much as i can, hello ?!? and then on the complete other side of the spectrum i'm very proud of this t4t raindrop filth, haha !! i think because they're all my newest works i haven't had the time to build up an "ew, what was i thinking !??!" response to them, so i'm still feeling very good about these three. and by the looks of it, other people seem to like them as well, which is a nice bonus :)

thank you very much again for your lovely asks, anon 💙 they make me smile and brighten my day every single time i look at them !! i hope life has been treating you well, my dear, and i hope that you have a wonderful day/night depending on where you are in the world 💙

#ask box #husband rambles #🐝 anon

[paleclementine]

genuinely have no idea where I left off last time. Me and my dad did our trip to southern Utah to see the eclipse. There's so much to say about that whole weekend, but Ive been too exhausted to say anything about it other than a few bits and pieces, even Anthony, which truly does mean something. even if I'm actively angry and upset, I'll rant about my family to Anthony, but when I finally saw him, I was too exhausted to do anything but tell him how tiring it was and slip a single tear down my cheek.

I know i'll look back on this trip and likely be mad at myself for being so... conflicted/upset/on the verge of a mental breakdown throughout the whole thing, but it wasn't rose tinted. The trip was fun and good and me and my dad got along, but it was always good with a hint of waiting for the other shoe to drop. In a very tangible way. My dad talked to me a lot and was very morose-- about mom, hailey, caleb, his knee, life, death, god, religion, Mormonism. Every. Single. Thing. that I was afraid he would talk about? he talked about. I grinned and bore it, but Christ fucking fuck man, it's so hard. I think people give families too much credit-- they're fucking hard to deal with, or maybe mine is. I always feel weird when people value their families so much and get along with them and choose them over other things, because I just don't feel at at all-- nevermind the fact that I do choose them over other things because I am an easily manipulated forest animal.

I don't have enough energy to go through the play by play. I was with Anthony at Amy's house on Thursday and Monday. it was really nice thursday- me and Anthony got pho and went to the mall for a while. On Monday, I crashed there at 4:30 am and slept until 10. Me Anthony and Amy got burritos and went to Costco and got ice cream after that. It was really fun, me and Amy actually talked normally and I don't really know what compelled me to not feel like I wasn't collapsing in on myself with insecurity when I was around her. It has nothing to do with Amy, just that I'm intimidated by her. She's like an older, more mature version of Hailey.

I finally finsihed the new chapter of my fic (achilles come down) and posted it. I have motivation to work on it/finish it again, but I really coudln't say why. I just want it to have a ton of reads and get famous. I'm aiming for BARE MINIMUM 3,000, hoping for 14,000, and praying that I get over 50,000 hits. that would fr be a dream.

I have been listening to Folie a Deux a shit ton. It's such an underrated album. I've also been listening to Evermore a shit ton. IDk. I'm not feeling very -fall aesthetic the smiths autumn leaves the Sundays etc etc etc-. I just want to listen to what I like, and what I like rn is Taylor Swift, Fall Out Boy, Evanescence, and Mother Mother. Maybe I'm becoming emo again.

I'm skipping class rn bc I was late and I didn't want to go anyway,, and just-- god I cannot listen to people get a boner over how they're totally not racist/misogynistic (the class is all white people and women other than 2 boys). i just caaaaaan't. everything hurts.

I keep saying "I want to go home," in my head, but I really just think I want to not be so fucking stressed out. School is unbearable. I literally cannot keep up with my own shit even though I'm only taking 4 classes. It's just so goddamn hard. I'm entirely unmotivated. All I want to do is hang out with Anthony or write 1000 words at a time. Christ. I'm such a hermit. I have no idea how I turned out to be this way. Writing is such an isolating hobby (and writing fanfiction even more so, because there's a layer of exclusivity and cringe to it that I'm over in myself but not when it comes to sharing with other people).

I also just... don't want to see my fucking rommates. I think they're annoying and fuck and pick me's and bitches. and self fucking centered. They're just so deep in their own shit they can't see anyone else around them. I'm going to see Jimena again and she's going to be like "omg girl where have you been what the fuck is wrong with you?" OROR OR she's going to completely ignore my presence like she did when I left this weekend. she just-- fucking pisses me off.

I'm just not in a good fucking mood lately. I might be depressed. I don't even feel motivated to go into the canyon anymore.

#livejournal

[pinkseas]

[parasocial bestie] EUEUEUGHHHH LOOPING THE ENERGAYS TGT REAL IM SO TIRED SO SICK OF WORK but also. i saw ur progress posts more like Hey This Is Where Im At on the xlmi fic idek if its the 15k big big huge one or the silly hehe breaks skull on wall one but i am. just sitting there i cannot scream i cannot be impatient i have kept my word i will still. wait for it. just u see 🧎 <- me sitting but also vibrating at mach speed vertically the floor breaks like from an earthquake at the bottom of the ocean

YOU CAN SCREAM YOU CAN BE IMPATIENT no bc literally scream as much as u want bug me as much as u want say aly aly How Is The Big Fic Going and i will be hit by a wave of guilt and also motivation and maybe ill FINALLY KEEP WRITING IT !!!!!!!!! <- said as if i didnt add to it literally like 2 days ago. no bc i have to try So Hard to motivate myself to work on it more im SLACKING im being SILLY i need to do !!!!!!! more !!!!!!!!!!!! so u r absolutely free 2 yell at me. and i will look like this

and then i will probably maybe hopefully work on it more... on the bright side the fic i was working on this morning is almost done and its just been fun and games and silliness but its also been the thing im working on to give myself a break from the bigger one so once its done like. Back To The Bigger One yknow. god. i should just sit down and loop such small hands until the words appear

#parasocial bestie tag #im like. halfway done maybe ??????? #idk it feels like more than half but then i look at my planned scenes and how much i havent even started and i go. Uh Oh #at this point idk whats gonna happen tbh maybe i hit 20k and go 'fuck the rest i need it Done' and i put it out then #maybe i get struck with inspiration and hit 30k <- god please no bc at that point id want it to be split into chapters #and this idea/fic concept was NOT made for chapters. #maybe a twoshot there is exactly One point i can imagine cutting it off like that #hmmmmm and if i split it into two halves... and focused on the first and getting it out........ #and THEN published THAT and then worked on the second............. #eyes Wide Open

[dzpenumbra]

2/18/23

Things took a very big turn today. And I haven't been doing this poorly in a very long time.

I wasn't going to even write tonight. I didn't even eat dinner. I ate a can of chef boyardee and a microwave soup and a rice cake, and I hated all of it and now I have bad heartburn. And all I'm thinking is "I wish I had just gone out and gotten piss drunk, and I don't because drinking makes me feel sick and gives me heartburn... but now I have heartburn so..."

I. Want. To. Smoke. Cigarettes. So. Badly. Right. Now.

I have no idea how I haven't just driven out to literally any convenience store and bought a pack of Marb 27's and sat out on the picnic bench outside my building and just shamefully sucked down that nasty ritual until I felt dizzy and nauseous and kinda like I have to shit. Yeah, really selling it, huh.

Or maybe I can just smoke some weed, yeah? I have a bunch of weed, and a tincture too! Why not just take a few hits and... start questioning my own reality... start hearing my neighbors making sounds through the walls and convincing myself they're conspiring against me... start feeling these intermittent chest pains and heart flutters I've been feeling all night and be absolutely deathly convinced that I have minutes to live...

Wow. Wonder why I don't have any vices... Let's rephrase that, shall we. Because when it's a prescribed pharmaceutical, it's called a "medication" for an emotional regulation issue. When it's Xanax given to you by a psychiatrist in a community counseling service, it's a coping tool to make emotional processing more bearable and healthier. When it's outside of that environment? It's a vice. It's an addiction, to the point where it will actually make it more difficult for you to get prescription medications for the same purpose. Figure that shit out.

This species is just a bunch of dumb fucking apes with fancy gadgets, pretending like we've gotten everything all figured out, acting like we've got it all figured out, even believing we've got the perfect systems and we're so advanced and we look at those just a hair's breadth below us and we snub our noses at how fucking savage and barbaric they are. We have no fucking clue what we're doing. And all of these systems that we've invented are being made up as we go along. And, from my experience, most of the people I'm coming across just don't really understand... no... don't take the time... to understand how to deal with a situation properly. So they tick boxes, and generalize, and lump people into groups like cattle, and off they go, into their generalized plan.

I'm upset. Can you tell?

Why?

Well... today may be the last day of my past life. It certainly feels like it. The person you've been reading here? For a lack of better words... is going to cease to exist. As with every rebirth, I will evolve. I will morph and mutate into another permutation. Maybe that means a name change? Yay. That makes like... 7 now. And every time I am forced to change my life (read: the way I live my life, my habits, my routines, my goals, my focal points, my motivators, all of that), my personality... fragments a bit. I get very disoriented. I have to re-learn how to... live.

I don't mind adjusting my life. I mean, I already am, due to losing my cat. That was a major change. And now... I have to change again. It's been 2 weeks. It's been exactly 2 weeks. I think, I think she was put down on the 3rd. 2/3/23? I was pretty sure. I really don't want to go back and check. So... I guess that's enough grief, time to take a sledgehammer to the rest of my life, yeah? I was saying - keep getting lost in swirling thoughts but one keeps rising to the surface that needs to speak - I don't mind adjusting my life, but this is not my choice. I am not choosing this. I am actually actively resisting and protesting this. And... unfortunately... whenever I do, I get looked at and treated like I am privileged, like I am spoiled, like I am not worthy of the life I desire, like "why do you get the life you want, and this person over here doesn't." That thing.

Well, let me tell you why I get to be an eccentric artist/musician/writer and you are a social worker/investment manager. Because I didn't give up. Because I was willing to pay any price for the life that I deserve. Because I did not turn away. I. Kept. Walking. For years. After finally getting myself off of medications, out of a toxic self-defeating mindset, and out of an incredibly unhealthy relationship... alone... with no support... I reconnected with who I truly am. Who I have been since I was a child. My TRUE SELF. A curious, creative soul who loves to walk around outside barefoot, and look for cool rocks and nature stuff, and play in fantasy worlds, and play with animals, and study history and mythology, and draw cool designs and things I find interesting or captivating. I found that inner self alive and well, incubating inside this rotting husk of a carcass I've been hauling around. And I set him free again, and started to heal. And I gave him new tools. I gave him direction. I gave him inspiration. I united with him. And he is me. Hi.

In the years since I reunited with my True Self, and accepted myself for what I am... I lost every person in my life. All people who I had met at various stages of creative development. My former best friend who I met when I was in college majoring in Art, doing nothing but art all day every day. Her husband, who would talk mythology, spirituality and creativity with me late into the evening. My old Minecraft "friend" who I would constantly talk about --- you know what, I don't even want to talk about these assholes anymore. My point is that these people were all hobbyists. They all were one foot in and one foot out. They were weekend warriors. And when I finally got the framework together to like... put together something legitimate and really try to make a solid push to make this life a real thing, something self-sustaining, something with financial backing and public exposure... they not only retreated, but they actively tried to sway me out of it. They tried to convince me to quit.

They looked at me like a fucking kid, like a hobbyist kid who just didn't really know that the world doesn't work like that. The world doesn't have room for creatives, for artists, for storytellers. That's why I see them everyday, right? Well... those people got lucky. And I'm unlucky. So why fucking bother trying. Go get a job. Any job. Who cares. Make some money. For someone else. For someone else's business. You know, the person who had an idea like "hey, I should make a board game shop", and actually had people in their life who believed in them, supported them. That person. Go make them some money. Go mind their cash register, and sell products to people. You might make some friends. Look at the silver lining, might as well, you literally have no choice. And with the majority of your time that you give to this establishment, you will be not drawing. Not making music. Not working on your list of 14 unfinished projects that you could really use a hand making a reality.

Hey, you know what occurred to me? The people who give me this like... fatalistic advice on how you really have no choice but to go and join the in-person labor force by working for someone who already has an established foothold in the region... these people conveniently are rarely even aware of what projects I have open ended and ready at a moments notice to be worked on. Here, let me share, I have a whiteboard to my right that I look at every day that is completely full of unfinished projects.

-Shape and Polish Stones (might not go for a ton, but they're unique, they're hand-crafted, and if I get into rune/glyph/sigil carving and blessing rituals and stuff, I could probably sell them for a bit, at least as a package deal) -Wirewrap stones (I do not have enough devoted hours to this to feel comfortable selling these pieces) -Carve wooden beads (again, lacking tools and experience, but went with painting instead, and I am currently troubleshooting a process) -Weave Cordage (aka just make bracelets or necklaces from only hemp, or maybe added beads. Won't go for much, but I could get one done in a day.) -Wood carving (staves, reliefs, that kinda thing. I prefer carving walking sticks, it's just sorta been the thing I have had the most experience with. Again, working with cheap tools but that's whatever. I have thought for a long time that this could really be something that people would put some serious value on. They are, however, a big time sink and very rough on the forearms) -Tarot study (there are 2 shops less than 15 minutes away from me that offer tarot readings. I was going to do them on Twitch, I just would prefer to be more acquainted with the cards before I start charging, but that's my inner perfectionist talking. I also have no ability to practice with others, which makes this insanely anxiety inducing, its one of the only interpersonal projects on the list.) -SketchDaily (a drawing subreddit, this is for keeping my drawing skills sharp) -Poetry/Lyrics (always neglected, but music was going to be my conduit back into it. But, just spinning too many plates, not enough hours in the day. I do have my poetry BOOK that I put together that I could try to get published, but no one has really seemed to give half a shit about it... ever... so... not a lot of incentive there) -Poetry Illustration (obviously a pairing, and a way to either turn my book into a more immersive experience, or to serialize my poetry by turning each poem into its own book and illustrating each metaphoric image, my poetry has a lot of visual metaphors and scenes, it's very dream-like, so I was thinking of doing mini-books that are illustrations scene-by-scene of each line in the poems. A LOT OF WORK, but the end result would be stunning) -Clothing Art (this was a big one before coming up to the new city, I was really banking on this. But the fact that no one has even mentioned or really seemed to notice my custom designed hoodie that I wear literally everywhere... has been nothing short of disappointing. Maybe it will draw more focus if I add color, I've had the theory for a while, or at least some lighter shades, like a lighter grey or something. It's at the front of my mind. I would be doing these pieces on commission, and since they are handdrawn in permanent ink... probably charging tattoo prices for them, the gimmick is "clothing tattoos") -Simian Storytime Storyboards (I was going to do a graphic novel/comic strip kinda series where I illustrated very powerful moments of my life, but all the people in it were... like a missing-link ancestor of modern humans. Where they resembled the people who I am drawing, and myself of course, but I am portraying them as primitive. There are a lot of layers to this, mostly playing on the fact that during these interactions and memories, the less evolved parts of the brain are what we tend to be using. This is a call-back to a very short sketch series I started doing back in college, I remember these pictures very vividly, of apes in business suits with briefcases, and stuff like that. Reminders that we are animals, and it's kinda silly that we keep trying to act like we're not. This is much more fine art than anything else)

This was after I purged dozens of ideas from the summer. Any single one of these ideas I could delegate to a team. Any one of these ideas I could get assistance with, would be reaching a different type of audience, and could be maintained autonomously. And people giving me the advice that I should just give up and find some other thing to do? Come back to this in 5-10 years? When I'm 41-46? I mean... hopefully I'll have a young kid by then... and I really don't know if I'm going to be able to manage a full-time job, a kid and all of these projects, I just don't see it happening. I can't even do these projects and reliably get my fucking laundry done, dude. The people giving me advice to give up don't know a damn thing about how much I have available. This isn't even touching music - hip-hop, improv, metal, drums, guitar, bass, vocals, arrangement, transcription, orchestration, scoring. This isn't even touching acting. This isn't even touching tutoring. I have spent this much of my life developing these skills, honing them, and I'm far from perfect. I have plenty of flaws, I have so much more work to be done. I am constantly improving, constantly finding flaws to refine. Constantly finding ways I can reduce finger movements in my sloppy self-taught guitar playing. I am far from perfect as an artist, as a musician. I have plenty of flaws and weaknesses. But I am authentic, and I live my art. It comes from the heart. It's my way of speaking to the world.

Like this. This is my way of speaking to the world. Hi, world. This is my art. And I'd like to think that this isn't just a fucking hobby. This is something I put my heart and soul and time and labor into. And... that's just... not worth compensating? Not worth supporting? Instead, I need to change my entire way of living, log in X amount of hours per week at literally any location that isn't my own work, cash my paycheck and use that check to pay my rent. And in my free time, I can work on my real work. Whatever free time I get. And the 15 years I spent dedicating myself to my craft? So I can go apply for jobs with a resume that has been blank for a decade. So I can tell them I have been in therapy for 6+ years because of crippling PTSD, and probably other shit. And they're totally gonna hire me. Trust me, they'll hire me just like the last 5 places I applied to and never heard back from. And if I do get hired, totally gonna move my life forward. Because there I will make money. And money gets my parents' influence and harmful pressures away from me. And then I'll meet people. And those people... well, they're magical, you see! They, somehow which has not been articulated whatsoever, are going to make my art/music/writing/entertainment/tutoring/whatever career blow up! They will! How? Fuck if anyone knows! But it is always said with absolute certainty.

So... the plan is... ditch the rental car. Take the bus 2.5 hours back home with my skateboard and hawk feathers and whatever else I can carry from my old car. Sell the old car for scrap, basically. Be a public transit guy now, I guess. Which, I mean.. if you were raised in a city, you probably hate the way I'm talking, but... I grew up in a different environment. And I've seen how you city folk react when you're stuck in the middle of nowhere and you have to drive 20 minutes just to get to the nearest gas station, and you hear coyotes 20 feet away and lose your shit. So... nature doesn't scare me that way quite so much anymore. But public transit sure as fuck does. I trust those coyotes way the fuck more than I trust some of the people I see lurking around bus stops. I'm sure I'll get used to it in time, again, changing the way I live... But, I'm not excited.

Then I'm going to get literally any job. Any one, doesn't matter. Ideally a gaming shop, a new age shop or an antique shop. Again, these are not bad jobs, I am not upset about that. I am pissed that I am being socially pressured to change my life goals rather than being supported in my own goals. These are not impossible goals, by any means. They are merely difficult and... unique. Different. I have no idea how people can come up to me and say "I'd be glad to support you in achieving your goals, sure! First order of business, let's change those goals, shall we?" Fuck you.

Then, at this new job where I will spend most of my time, assuming someone takes the gamble of hiring me with zero references and no work history for a decade... when I'm a complete stranger... What I'm told will happen is that these people, my new friends, will be different from all the others. They will support the projects that I quit working on for this job. They will provide me clients and social outlets to promote my work, so that I can get commissions that I will, with near-absolute certainty, will not have the time to work on.

And hey, it might actually work. I'm not shitting on this completely, the bones of the plan are sound, yes. But like... if I'm just going there to get a paycheck? I'm taking a job from someone who actually wants that job, who is actually passionate about it. If I'm there to just make social connections? Why the fuck am I not just going and hanging out there? Like... going and shopping frequently at that location. Like... a rock shop, let's say. Say I go there regularly to get stone beads or tumbled stones for necklace centerpieces or something. And I ask a bunch of questions, and I become a regular and I get to know people, and they see my jewelry and my custom clothing. In time, after I become a regular, we get to know each other. And then I get the same connections, the same assistance, but they don't have to worry about giving me a bunch of contracts for my other job, which takes my time away from their shop, and then inevitably lose me as an employee when I get enough traction to sustain myself. Or... is the assumption that I will never actually succeed? Hmm...

Okay... it's probably about time I explain myself. 4:40 AM, what better time to explain how I got here. My mom called me as I was standing in my bathroom in my underwear, just hopping out of the shower. I finished up as I was on the phone. I caught her up on the frustrations with the bead last night. I didn't disclose that it was for her. Didn't want her to feel guilty or something. It was a good learning experience, and I am genuinely grateful for it. The conversation quickly went to my car. And... I had my therapy appointment in an hour.

The conversation took a dramatic turn immediately. There was nearly zero progress made. I was desperately, the entire time, trying to get my mom to just... think about more than just her fucking money. Think about how this is affecting my life, how I'm going to be living my life, how all of this is going to be experienced through my eyes. Think about how silly it is for me to go shopping for a car when I have no money, no budget, and any option I bring back to my mother for approval will inevitably get shot down. I have already put out two ideas, the only two that have been on the table - to buy or lease the rental outright, or to get a Jeep, because an older Jeep could be cool, but honestly I'd prefer a more environmentally friendly car if I'm going to actually buy a fucking car. She just... couldn't understand, and was treating me like... I have no idea. I honestly have no idea. Like I wasn't grateful? Like I was spoiled? Or something? I've just been getting heavy vibes of that tonight. Ever since the sun went down. I'm spoiled for pursuing an art career, I'm spoiled for having controlling parents use money to like... punish me or something... I honestly don't even know what it is, it sure as fuck isn't support, it's barely even tolerance. They seem genuinely upset that I'm still pursuing this career and that I'm not fucking rich. They, for some fucking reason, thought that a man in his mid-30's who has been pursuing a full-time fine art career while singlehandedly managing his mental health, with no friends, no supporters and minimal family involvement, would somehow have a self-supporting stream of income just like... magically. Like on one of my hikes in the woods, I would run into a mystical gnome who would ask me three questions about obscure occult spiritual lore, and my genius ass has been studying, right? And I ace that little dude's test, and he deems me worthy of the Forest's Blessing and donates a gigantic tax-free deposit into my bank account or something.

Honestly, that little fantasy scene right there sounds way more likely to happen than me getting like... a net-total $2k a month on Patreon from other humans who just genuinely enjoy watching and supporting the work that I do.

Maybe now is my Dharma Bums moment. Maybe it's my time to take that job in a firewatch cabin in a national park and work on my shit there, just making enough money to keep doing what I do that way. For fuck's sake, why is no one brainstorming ideas like this with me? Why the fuck do I not get a fun life? Because others didn't get a fun life too?

YOU KNOW WHAT. If any of the people who have given me this advice came up to me and said "hey ____, I gave up on making art when I was younger. I was afraid I wasn't good enough. I was afraid if I made it a successful full-time career that it would kill the thrill of it. That it would ruin it. And when I gave up on it, it never really came with me. I'd like to reconnect with it, but I have a very difficult relationship with it now. Could you help me reconnect with it?" I would devote my entire self to helping them. Every tool I have, every tool I can Google, would be at their disposal.

But me? I get told "hey, you need to get some form of income so you can get away from your family, because this is literally killing you." And I know they're right. I know, at surface level, they're right. And I don't contest that, that's not the part of it I contest. I try so hard to voice it correctly, but I struggle to communicate it. "Yes, I need to be free of this, but I need to find the right thing, something that fits into my comfort level, something I'm passionate about, something right for me." With all the projects I listed earlier, how the fuck is there no overlap? You know what I see happening? The only "Hiring" sign I've seen so far? Michael's. That's what I'm seeing. I'm seeing myself taking the bus to a run down old mall by a major highway, putting on a uniform and stocking shelves and telling septuagenarians where the yarn is. "No, it's all the way in the back, Gladys. No. No in the BACK."

I'm sure I could make it fun. I could. But I feel like I'm giving up control of my life. I feel like I'm giving up, and resigning my agency. Like I'm just shifting that control out of the hands of my family, and into the hands of some corporate entity, or educational institution, or private owner, who I have zero reassurance doesn't also have selfish intentions.

I'm sure I could make it fun, but do I really have to? Is this just... the hand I'm dealt? Am I supposed to just say... yep, I was given red paint and blue paint and green paint, and... I guess I just paint red and blue and green stripes. No mixing? No gradients, even? Like... what's the point of being creative when you just do what everyone around you is telling you to do? What use is a creative brain when you are put in a box and expected to follow instructions with precision and accuracy, deviating from expectations as little as possible. Don't you fucking people think that might be a little.......... stifling? For a creative person? Maybe a little... unnatural? Hmm? Maybe you are all logical, analytic types... who follow linear paths of deduction... and I come in from my barefoot off-trail hike in the woods and go "hey, I invented a new written language today" and you think I'm going to fit in well in... a boilerplate "job". Just... "job".

Alright. See, I unearthed my old rubber wizard mask the other day. That popped right into my head right now. I wore it on stage when I played with my old improv band. We weren't very good, but we loved what we did and we had fun with it. And I'm thinking... "alright, time to get the old masks out." "Time to practice pretending to be a person again." This time, it's not just half an hour to an hour while shopping or going to an appointment. Now, it's being contractually obliged to a specific location and role for x hours per day, at risk of being fired. Forgive my alien descriptors, I haven't done this form of labor in a decade, it's been exclusively freeform and self-reliant; self-accountable. I hope my mask still fits. And I hope it's a healthy time for me to be acting for hours at a time with no real coping mechanisms short of breathing exercises.

So yeah, conversation with my mom went absolutely shitty and really painful, hurtful. Degrading. Brought out a lot of bad shit. And made me late for my therapy appointment, and I'm never late for therapy. Ever. And then in the appointment, we talked about getting me some form of substantial income to get me free of this. He visually saw how absolutely ravaged I was by that experience and insisted I need to do something about this now. I think he said "I feel like I can't just sit here and watch them do this to you." Or something close to that. He seemed concerned enough to venture into the work realm, knowing how sensitive it is for me. Clearly, look at this tirade, good lord... XD

He reassured me that the busses are not bad, and he has friends who use them. I'm just not really used to the idea of them, honestly, it's foreign to me. We briefly talked about disability, because that was on the table with my last therapist, but I mentioned that that kinda fucked with my head a bit, my self-esteem and guilt, and I was worried about it causing more damage than good. Even though I'm pretty clearly stuck. And we got into this realm of painting options that was like... A) go on disability and... keep making art, but risk complicating my mental health issues. B) keep parental "support" and continue to be manipulated and pressured, having to run every decision I make past my parents and having brutal hours-long fights multiple times a week. C) Find some place to work out in the real world, out there, the place I struggle to get myself to go for fun.

So you tell me. If you were awake at 5:30 AM, still grieving, processing being essentially trapped in an area where you know no one, feeling insanely unsafe due to multiple PTSD triggers being fully primed, activated and firing on all cylinders, with tons of empirical evidence that these threats are very real fueling that brutal machine... would you think going to a fucking job interview with an empty resume and no references is going to go well? Would you be looking forward to that? Would you maybe, just maybe... want to... improve those odds a bit? Instead of just going "Hi, I'm really nice and smart and hard working. Please take my word for it. I know all my clothes are over 10 years old and I look like I haven't slept in a month (because I basically haven't) and my left eye keeps twitching from stress and I have some weird fucking bacterial infection that looks like acne all over my scalp... aka I know I look homeless and I have no work history or references, but like... trust me!" No fucking pressure. No reason to be anxious. No reason to feel like literally my entire life is riding on it, and the other side is like... more brutal fights... more pressuring me into living a different life... more making me feel like shit for being myself, having the interests and passions and skills and opinions that I do. Good lord, okay. Which is worse?!

So... I spent the rest of the night curled up in a ball under a blanket until I wrote this. I called my mom back 3 times and was ghosted. I texted, she left it read. Texted more later, just to get more out. But I have a feeling this is just... it's gone. It's too far gone. And I can't just sit here and watch the months and years peel away waiting for someone else to get over their shit. I had an intense realization the other day. My lease started on November 15th. I'm 1/4 of the way through my lease. And my shit is still in boxes. And I'm still driving a rental car.

Waiting does not fix these problems. If there's anything I know with certainty, it's that my priorities, my urgent issues, are not on anyone else's urgent list. So... I really need to stop waiting.

3 days ago, my biggest issue was like... where can I find some affordable furniture that meets my needs? Now, I'm having to reconcile changing the entire direction of my everyday efforts. Changing the framework of my life. Because this fucking car dealership said they could fix my car, and didn't. And they won't recommend someone else. They're just gonna sit here forever, "waiting" for a manufacturer to make parts that they don't make anymore. And they're just going to rent this fucking car to me as long as I'm willing to pay for it. And it's on my card. And because of this conversation, about these slimy motherfuckers squeezing money out of my parents. SOMEHOW. That leads to me needing to abandon my career and go get some job at some random shop so I can escape my parents.

And this is not the first time, not by a long shot. This has happened dozens of times over the past few years.

It makes me wish I had never reconnected. It makes me wish that, instead of reconnecting with my passions of art and music and mythology and spirituality and nature, I had just gotten some random fucking job somewhere and worked triple shifts the whole time. And gotten into crypto or some shit, like my fucking little brother did. Then I'd be fine right now. I'd have a buffer. I'd have no one crawling up my ass. But I'd have no soul.

This is so fucking deeply depressing. And I know I'm exaggerating bits of it, but this is so insanely overwhelming for me, especially since I've been in this extreme isolation for like... since 2018? So like... 4ish years. That's a long time to be away from society. And it's still really weird to be in public, very overwhelming and unnerving. The idea of being required to be in a public space for a specific span of time, with no escape routes, no respite, and no way to like... explain why in a relatable way. "I was in lockdown... for over 3 years. And now I'm working retail. And I haven't been afforded the luxury of an adjustment period." "Life just... didn't really go my way."

Seriously, there's a very strong reflex that kicks in. It doesn't kick in when I think about one-on-one tutoring, or even streaming, or doing dog walking or private dog training, or working at a bird sanctuary or something. Somewhere without a lot of people, so I can adjust. So I can get used to being in proximity to other humans again. It's so odd to me that no one has really considered that this might be like... a big deal for me...

Okay, I think I've sufficiently vented, now that it's 5:45 and I still have to read this back. Sorry if you read this whole thing. Welcome to my shitstorm. Hopefully it has a happy ending. Because I really love the potential of life way too much to give the fuck up.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[patrocles-you-bitch]

Alright, so it’s been a while, but a lot of shit has happened and the one person I rlly want to talk to isn’t available so… enjoy..? This is really just a way for me to get things out/ have a place to think, feel free to ignore.

Backstory to understand the sitch:

1. I have an Indian mom, who’s always been very on me about my grades, this leading me to place the entirety of my self worth onto my grades and reaching 90s avg all through my school (except Gr 12, which I’ll get to). She’s also very emotional, and prone to getting in these furious moods when she’s really mad at us (not always unprompted but sometimes more traumatizing and unnecessary than anything else)

2. I wanted to get into the life sciences program this year, which I did, but not to my top choice. Even so, I have absolutely no idea what my end goal is, my mom is very very annoyed at this.

3. I’m an immigrant, a brown, gay, immigrant.

4. Last year (Gr 11) I broke thanks to the pandemic. Mental health went to shit, became even worse and led me to self harm and such. Parents found out, got therapy, mom backed off the pressure this year so I wouldn’t be as stressed.

Okay now to the thing:

I’m currently in burnt out gifted kid syndrome. But I’ve also become very lazy, if I’m being honest. And I know this, I know I’m wasting my potential but I found myself left without ANY motivation this year. Up until 12, I had equated my worth to my marks, as had my parents- but then I was trying to learn how to be mentally stable and stop that. I didn’t realize just how horrible that would be for me.

I used to be good at math, like, really good. It was my thing, numbers fascinated me and I loved working with them. Then advanced functions hit hard, and I was left with an 82 for the final avg and a 78 in Chem. I retook Chem in nightschool second Sem and ended with a 90, but now my calc mark is at a 66. I know I could’ve done so much better on my calc, if I tried more, if I dropped the extra course I def didn’t need, but my thoughts just went back to “oh but that course helps keep you mentally stable” or “mh matters more and you’re doing your best”. I wasn’t doing my best. My program is literally very science and maths based, and if I can’t get through gr12 math how the fuck am I supposed to do uni?

My mom had the same question. A couple week ago I had a panic attack during my calc test. Leading me to failing the test and needing a makeup (which I might write tmrw). I didn’t tell anyone in my family, cause even tho I knew they’d see the report card, I just couldn’t let them see how much of a failure I’d become. Not yet anyways. Unfortunately, my mom found out about the test because she saw an email I had sent my teacher about it. This ensues the chaos, the regrets, disappointments, screaming, and anger.

She says that she’s mad at herself for not continuing to push me, for letting me take my life into my own hands because now I’ve gone and ruined it, have shorty marks and have let my life go to rot. That if I can’t even do tests and stuff in high school, or get through them without panic attacks, then how am I supposed to face life? Because profs won’t go “oh nooo you had a panic attack? You’re depressed? Sure I’ll give you a makeup test” And then she told me that I wasn’t ready for uni, I don’t even have a proper endgame, and should take a gap year. So that I can collect my thoughts, retake the math courses, and then do it again.

I have literally been working years to get to uni, and now I’m doubting my ability to do anything. There are 2 main perspectives I have for this.

1. I know how horrible time year has been, I can very clearly see every single mistake I’ve made and know what I could’ve done to fix them. I’ve learned a lot, honestly, and I want to do better, I know I can. I’m aware of what’s taken my focus away and I know where to put more energy. This has honest to gods been a very rough learning experience, one i intend to grow from and am happy I got to experience. And I know that I really really want to try in university, I want to experience it and succeed and excel. Make my family proud, as it were.

2. I don’t know if I’m ready. I can see every single mistake and am terrified of repeating the same mistakes, but on higher stakes. My mom said that I’m just like my uncle, or that she sees the resemblance anyways, and that not who I am or who I want to be. There’s a literal example in the family and I don’t want to turn into him. I refuse. I didn’t even see how they were related and now I do, and I hate it , because I really did take my eye off the ball. It’s too late to fix things this year, but I want to try and continue learning and refreshing my math in the summer, so that I’m better prepared. Make myself a real schedule for it and follow through. But still (if my mom allows) be able to see my friends before everyone leaves.

A part of me thinks that she’s right. Knows it, more like. That I would never have succeeded as well if it weren’t for the pressure cooker she put me in. But also, if I’m being honest, I want to push back against that. Because I wouldn’t be in the same cooker at uni. I would be so much farther away and no consequence would seem real. Meaning there’s more of a chance I would’ve made the same mistakes I made now, but in a larger scale. I have the experience of being my cut free now, my brain automatically didn’t know how to handle it and went loose too. It’s basically psychology , I know what happened to my brain. And I’m still happy that I was left alone this year because that means that I got to see, and understand what this really feels like. I think that this would help me succeed next year. That, or I’m full of crap. I don’t know. What I do know is that my moms is tired and disappointed in me, rightfully so, and she doesn’t know what to do with me know. She wants me to give her my life plan (career wise) and tell her why I acc want to study science, and if I think I’m ready for uni. But then wtv I try to say, she’ll say that I’m just saying that to make them happy, and she’s sick of the bullshit. So, I don’t know how I can try to make her understand, try to build her faith and trust in me, I’m the fact that I can do it, can succeed in uni. I don’t know, I’m just kind of sorry about my existence.

#burnt out #gifted kid burnout #kinda depressing #i’m terrified

[kingdaddydaichi]

NSFW Alphabet || Katsuki Bakugou

I had so much fun with this! Vodka may or may not have been involved in the making of this little ditty. 🍸 I hope you shameless hussies enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. 😩

*Exhibit A:

(Source)

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

I feel like he gets clingy asf, but plays it off like it's something he's doing for your sake. He'll probably never admit that he feels so vulnerable after sex, but he does. If it was a rough session - which it usually is with him - he'll ask if you're okay, if you're hurt anywhere, kiss any marks he left on you - he's such a protective hero boi.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His: he's not gonna lie, he's fully aware of how well-endowed he is. He really is proud of his cock, the way it makes you sing when he works it - and he knows how to work it okay? Favorite non-sexual body part - his arms. He works hard to keep them cut (as in lifting, not cutting). 😬

Yours: listen, Katsuki is an ass man through and through. Go ahead and tell me I'm wrong, I'm 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 listening 👏🏼. He loves to watch the subtle ripples he sends through your ass cheeks when he's driving into you from behind. Also, our big scary boomboom man appreciates a nice, thicc pair of thighs. Bonus points if they're muscular/toned - he loves the way it feels when your thighs have such a strong grip around him.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Let's just say our boy's orgasms are explosive. He cums hard and loud, shooting long ropes of his hot seed. Consistency is about average, not too thick, not to thin, but there's a lot of it. He doesn't taste too bad - salty, but not too bitter. You're more likely to gag from the sheer volume and force of his cum hitting the back of your throat than the flavor.

His precum gets honorable mention here. It's fucking delicious. That is all.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

It took him no less than 2 years into your relationship to tell you this, and if you ever tell anyone he might actually kill you, or at the very least make your ass bleed. He hasn't gotten to the point that he's ready to try it yet, but he's not entirely opposed to the idea of you pegging him. Someday. It kinda does make his balls tingle a little just thinking about it tbh. He hasn't yet, but he thinks he might be ready to try working up to it and is really close to asking you to stick a finger in his ass and stroke his prostate. He's heard how good it feels and he's super curious to find out for himself.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Not very experienced, actually. He's only had 1 or 2 lovers before you, BUT he's determined to be #1 at everything. Couple that with how perceptive he is and you've got yourself a winner of a loverboy. He's going to make damn sure that, even if things don't work out between you two, he will always ALWAYS be the best you've ever had. No other man will outdo him, E-V-E-R.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Doggystyle all the way, baby. As stated before, he loves watching your booty jiggle every time he slams his hips against it. He gets off on spreading your ass cheeks to watch his slick-coated cock slide in and out of you. God he just loves hitting it from behind, makes his dick so fucking hard.

Bonus 2nd Favorite Position (couldn't help myself): you on your back with your ankles on his shoulders, your ass lifted off the bed, him on his knees and hugging those thick thighs of yours, keeping them closed as he reams into you. (Slight variation of this one: he leans over you, nearly folding you in half, putting you back on your shoulders with his hands pressing into the mattress beside you, angling you such that his prominent corona rubs over your g-spot as he drills down into you. 10/10 you're gonna scream his name when (not if) your liquid gushes all over him.)

Tell me the truth, am I a disgusting human being? Here are all the fucks I give:

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Bakugou is serious asf about his sex game. This is not the time to joke around or poke fun at him, understand me? If you do he will get pissed and either fuck the silly out of you, or if he's feeling particularly ruthless he'll just stop altogether and let you ache for him as punishment until you beg him for release.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He takes care of his body, paying a lot of attention to his hygiene, which includes manscaping to keep his pubic hair trimmed and kempt. The carpet's just a shade darker than the drapes, like a honey blond. If he lets it grow out, it sticks straight out just like his head hair. It's actually kind of funny and he hates it.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

*sigh* Let's be honest. Katsuki is not the super romantic type, at least not outwardly. However, if he realizes something he's doing is hurting you - physically or emotionally - he's going to stop dead in his tracks and hold you close, push his fingers through your hair, and tell you how much he loves you and how safe you are. He can be rough and he can be an asshole, but if he thinks he's genuinely hurt you at all, he's all over you, doing everything he can to make you understand that he will never let anyone hurt you, especially not himself. Got that?

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He doesn't jack off very often. You two share a very active sex life so he doesn't see the need to. If you have to be apart for more than a day or two, he'll rub one out. Or if the need hits him particularly hard and you're not available or in the mood, he's not above closing his eyes and reaching into his pants to wrap his thick fingers around his cock and start tugging.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Lord Baby Jesus, where do I even begin? Kinky, kinky Katsuki. This man should come with warning signs and disclaimers.

First of all, he dom asf okay? Even if he lets you play with his ass someday, he's gonna be bratty about it. He's going to top from the bottom, hashtag facts. And trust that he WILL own you afterwards to securely reestablish his dominance.

Giving and Receiving: Hair pulling. DIRTY TALK - you think he's got a potty mouth in the streets? His mouth is downright filthy between the sheets. Loves it when you dirty talk right back to him. "You love taking my fat cock, don't you princess?" "Mm yessss, fuck me, Katsuki! Your cock feels so fucking good babyyy!" He eats that shit up.

Giving Only: Degradation. Praise. Spanking. Cockwarming. Dom/sub/power play. Shibari/ropework (he tried it bc you wanted to and he fucking loved it). Creampies. Begging. Discipline. Ravishment.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Literally anywhere inside your home/homes - bed, bathroom/kitchen countertops, kitchen/dining table, office desk/chair, any piece furniture is fair game really, up against a wall, washer/dryer, the fucking floor, ugh just all the places to fuck. Not one square foot is sacred tbh.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Wear something that showcases the curve of your butt. Doesn't have to be revealing per se, matter of fact he'll get possessive as fuck if you're showing too much skin in public. At home/privately though? He can't help himself. Dat ass tho...he is going to smack it hard enough that it stings and that's final, understand?

Tease him. You can't be obvious about it though. If he senses that you're doing it on purpose, it'll just backfire. But if you just so happen to brush against his crotch when you squeeze past him, it'll drive him crazy. Go commando in short shorts/skirt and cross your legs just so, his dick will twitch. Even better if you do shit like this in public where you know he won't act on it. But when you get home you best believe he's going to dick you down so hard, won't even bother to take said shorts or skirt off.

His ears and neck are his most sensitive erogenous zones. Whisper in his ear or kiss his neck and he's going to grit his teeth in an effort to fight back the shudder that threatens to rattle his bones.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Let's get one thing straight. Katsuki Bakugou does not share. This is non-negotiable. He will not agree to anything involving additional people - cuckolding, threesomes, orgies, exhibitionism, voyeurism (unless it's him watching you pleasure yourself - that he will gladly do, and probably start palming himself in the process).

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Loves giving and receiving. Giving puts him in full control of your pleasure, receiving makes him feel like you're worshipping his cock, which you probably are. Have you seen this man's cock? Of course you have. Gatdamn.

Y'all, Katsuki's so good at eating pussy. Like how does one get that good at eating pussy? I don't even know, but god the way he flicks his hot tongue over your precious, tiny bud before wearing it down like a fucking feed bag? It's unnatural. Like it could be his backup quirk if blowing shit up doesn't work out. You've seen the way he licks his lips when he gets excited, everyone has.* He doesn't even bother swallowing while he's feeding on you so you just be dripping in slick and saliva and he's just slurping away. It's lewd.

*See Exhibit A above.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

You already know this, but I'll say it anyway. His go-to fucking style is fast and rough, dominant and relentless, hard and dirty. But every once in a while he'll want to take you slow and deep and passionate. He'll hold you so tight in his arms and chest, you'll have to tap his shoulder sometimes to let you breathe. And he'll just roll his hips so fucking thoroughly both of you will feel every last inch, his pubic bone rubbing your clit so hard. You've told him so many times how much you love it when he makes love to you like this, but he maybe makes it a rare treat on purpose. 😈 Little shit.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Quickies are difficult for our boy. It's not that he's against them, it's just that he savors every drop of sensuality, he has a tendency to draw the pleasure out as long as possible. He can’t help it.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

The idea of having public sex turns him on, but he's only done it with you a couple of times when he was 10000% sure you wouldn't be caught. He can't risk doing anything that would tarnish his reputation and goal of becoming the #1 Hero. He might be freaky as hell, but he needs a sex scandal like an Alaskan needs a refrigerator.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

He loves you long time. He's a Taurus for fuck's sake (well, Aries/Taurus cuspie, but that just sweetens the deal). Great stamina. Grinds you down like a whetstone. Can last as long as he needs to to ensure you cum for him as many times as it takes for you to beg him to stop. If he feels himself getting too close while you're blowing him, he'll stop you and go down on you instead. If he's inside of you, he'll pull out and start kissing all over your body, sucking, nipping, licking until his urge to cum passes, then he pushes it right back in and keeps going.

If on the off-chance he does cum before you, he'll be ready to go again in about 20-30 mins. Just give him some motivation, he deserves it.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He didn't own any toys when you first got together, but you did. He hated the idea of you using them though, especially when he's right there with you. You've since assured him that you don't want to use them to replace him, but to enhance the pleasure. So now you do use them from time to time.

The first time you managed to coax him into using a toy together, it was a small wireless bullet with a remote. When you brought it out and showed it to him, there was a wild glint in his eye. He carefully inserted the vibrator into you, his cock slowly following suit. He loved the fact that he had complete control over this thing, but later complained because the sensation of it against the head of his cock made him cum too fast. He still wants to use it sometimes though. 😏

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Oh he can be so unfair. He loves teasing you until you're begging him to put his cock inside you. He's not so much into orgasm denial per se; he just loves to hear you beg him for shit - to let you cum, to suck his dick, to stop fucking you when you're overstimmed, etc.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Lol he's fucking LOUD! And he's going to make you cum so hard that you're screaming his fucking name. There was a time when one or both of you lived in an apartment and the neighbors would bang on the wall behind your headboard.

Shit, what sounds does he NOT make? He growls, moans, grunts, groans, yells, swears, fucks you so hard you can hear the wet sound of slapping skin, hell even the bed protests. Another reason he doesn't fuck in public - he can't stay quiet enough to be discreet about it.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Okay, as much of a wild sex beast as he is behind closed doors, he gets embarrassed so easily when your sex life is so much as hinted at around others. It's legit funny how flustered he gets about it.

If he goes into work real tired and Kirishima says, "Hey Bakubro, you look like shit this morning. You and (y/n) stay up too late?" while doing the finger in the hole gesture, Katsuki will just "Shut the fuck up, Shitty Hair, or I'll blast your ass right through that fucking wall!"

Or if you two go out together with friends and the girls are talking about sex-related stuff, Katsuki will just roll his eyes and try to ignore it. But if one of them is all "So, (y/n), does Bakugou ever like accidentally let off explosions while you're doing it?" and you wink and say, "Only when he's especially *cough* frustrated *cough*". Katsuki will go red from his neck up to his hairline and start stuttering, sparks flying from his palms. "H-hey, d-don't tell them sh-shit like that! I-it's none of their god-goddamn b-business, (y/n), what th-the f-fuck?!" Meanwhile, you and the girls are in stitches while he stomps away, just mortified, bless his heart. When you catch your breath from laughing you'll follow it up with, "Looks like tonight's gonna be one of those nights", and you all lose it again.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

As has been mentioned, Bakugou's well-endowed. I figure he's packing about 7.5-8" in length x just under 2" wide. He takes some getting used to, that's for damn sure. Oh, and he's more of a shower than a grower. Like around 6" long x 1.5" wide when flaccid. Katsuki + sweatpants/basketball shorts = swinging dick print, alright sis? Take notes, this motherfucker visibly jumps when he does, class dismissed.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Eh, he's surprisingly not ridiculously horny. Maybe a little above average sex drive? A lot of times hero work just takes it out of him and he comes home utterly exhausted and just needs a soft place to land, and you provide him with all the love and nurturing in your heart. ❤

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Depends, really, on the time of day and what type of day it's been. If it's late (like past 9pm lol) and he fought more villains than usual that day, he's probs gonna pass out pretty soon after. If it's earlier in the day - especially first thing in the morning - it gets him pumped and almost comically genki.

#i'm disgusting #loveitorleaveit #katsuki bakugou #boom boy #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsuki #mha katsuki #bnha bakugo katsuki #katsuki smut #katsuki bakugo headcanons #katsuki bakugō #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugo imagine #katsuki x y/n #katsuki x you #bakugou #alphabet #katsuki dropped a bomb on me #bombshell #katsuki thirst

[nightcolorz]

Poorly describing my versions of the Gotham rogues:

Joker: “yolo” in its most dangerous form, def is writing a slow burn enemies to loves fic about him and Batman. Gay and homophobic 💯 The other rogues don’t invite him to pride celebrations anymore cause he’ll keep calling people slurs “as a joke”. Him and Edward have longterm beef, like schoolgirl levels of petty drama.

Harley Quinn: would describe herself as a “girlboss” unironically while committing heinous crimes. tweeted “clowns aren’t funny” after breaking up with Joker (ended up causing a huge scandal). The OG “I can fix him” girl. Is sort of the rogues free underground therapist (god knows they need it) cause they can’t get professional help without being sent to Arkham.

Poison Ivy: Breaking News: Cottagecore lesbian commits mass murder cause her plant wilted. She’s what republicans think environmentalists are. Would get in a fist fight with that vegan teacher cause “plants have feelings too”. Has beef with most of the male rogues, supports ‘kill all men’ without realizing it’s a joke (she prefers ‘kill all humans’ but figured she had to downgrade because the Gotham city sirens are humans technically).

Cat Woman: “OH NO! It appears I’ve gotten stuck backwards in the bank vault step-Bat 😏😏😏😏😏😏, looks like I’m not stealing any more diamonds today 😰😩”. Mad respect for Selina, she just wants diamonds and bat dick, no tragic backstory or complex motivations needed. I personally like to headcanon her as wearing a straight up cat costume (ears and a tail like a true furry) cause it’s way funnier to imagine a sophisticated rich woman dressing up as a cat to steal shit than whatever bullshit DCs up to these days. Trans catgirl supremacy 💎👍

Scarecrow: That one guy who gets angry at people because “Halloween costumes are meant to be scary 🤬😡😑😒”. Doesn’t even attempt to express emotions, is the human embodiement of this emoji: 😐. His presence is more jarring than threatening, his intimidation levels are somehow underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. The other rogues have collectively decided that he’s asexual under no assumption other than that they don’t want to imagine Jonathan having sex. Overtime Jonathan has become basically fearless (he smokes his own fear gas like vape just to feel something). Jonathan and Harley became good friends when they both worked in Arkham, their dynamic is surprisingly wholesome.

The Riddler: Didn’t get hugged enough as a child and is now making it everyone’s problem. Would hold a bank hostage to show Batman his third grade spelling bee medal. Is the only autistic rogue that gets accommodations in Arkham because he won’t stop bugging the guards. FTM trans ofc (his names Edward Nygma for Christ's sake). He ran away from home at seventeen and faked his own death (his deadname is legally dead lmao). Uses the terms “alpha, beta, and omega male” unironically.

Two Face: “Yeah, I mean, I didn’t wanna blow up the orphanage either, but Y’know the coin said-” The other rogues talk to Harvey as if he’s constantly at his breaking point, which is half true. Harv is a stone cold mf, he’s the rock that’s holding Two Face together tbh. Edward calls Harvey and Harv Jekyll and Hyde cause he’s that original. All the rogues have at least a sneaking suspicion that Bruce Wayne is batman and use Harvey as their little primary source (being ex besties and everything), until they find out Selina and Bruce are a thing of course. No matter how much evidence he’s faced with Harvey will never accept Bruce Wayne is batmam, he’s not ready to consider that one of the only positive people in his life has been duking it out with him this whole time.

Penguin: He’s the rest of the rogues chill gay gangster uncle I don’t make the rules. The iceberg lounge is like the Batman villain equivalent of The Central Perk from friends (aka: its their default place to hangout). Oswald always makes a fuss about them not making reservations ahead of them but at this point it’s just performative. Everyone’s 99% sure Oswald and Edward fucked at some point (Edward always makes a show of flustering Oswald when he needs a loan). Ossie always takes care of the others belongings when they’re in Arkham (he has a special place in his heart for Jonathan‘s crows).

The Mad Hatter: I love Jervis lmao he just really likes Alice in Wonderland and that’s a valid ass villain motivation 👍. One of the smartest rogues but doesn’t get enough credit because of how childish he is. He dresses in kids clothes, not just because he wants to but because he’s small af and can’t fit in shit. In public while the rogues are undercover Jervis usually wears a beanie or a baseball cap (he’d get spotted instantly if he wore his usual, but on bad days Jervis can’t bear to be without a hat). Jonathan and Jervis play chess a lot together in Arkham, and frequently engage in intellectual discussion, Edward tends to be a piss baby when Jon encourages him to do the same, he’s not ready to accept the reality that Jervis can match his intelligence.

Killer Croc: Waylon has a surprising amount in common with Jonathan, they share southern solidarity. He doesn’t travel out of the sewer often so the rogues will occasionally come to visit Waylon there (Edward always makes sure to complain loudly about the smell). Will show immense affection and loyalty to anyone who treats him as human (poor guy just needs a friend ☹️).

Mr Freeze: Literally just dead inside, someone give this poor bastard a hug. Victor stands as the most awkward rogue, he‘s sorta like the odd one out. The other rogues don’t interact with him that often because he’s sort of a party pooper. He’s the straight friend on thin ice, haha get it. Mr Freeze is my sisters favorite Batman villain because she thought the ice puns were funny in Batman in Robin, little does she know I’m embarrassing myself on tumblr in her glory.

Music Meister: So many of the Gotham rogues have horrible childhood trauma and Music Meister is just like “people bullied me for being a theater kid 😩😭💔😔”. In all honesty he’s iconic, in my au universe thingy I have him join the dork squad latter on and he sticks out like a sore thumb for a bit. I feel like him and Jervis would really hit it off though (mind control buddies, ha), although Jervis would always get him to sing Alice in Wonderland songs. In Arkham they have him wear a dog collar thingy and zap him when he sings, he gets bullied for that lol. anyways I’m sure I could make more of these, but it’s 2:20 am and my mind went blank. If y’all liked this I could always put more au headcanons out (I have A LOT)

#gotham rogues #batman rogues #batman villains #rogues gallery #dc rogues #batman rogues gallery #two face #harvey dent #scarecrow batman #jonathan crane #the riddler #edward nygma #headcannons #mr freeze #victor fries #music meister #killer croc #waylon jones #mad hatter #oswald cobblepot #jervis tetch #selina kyle #cat woman #harley quinn #pamala isley #harleen quinzel #poison ivy #joker

[recurring-polynya]

Do I mind if I ask how you approach writing longer fic? I've always struggled to write anything more than maybe two chapters long and I'm curious if you have a particular method to how you approach such stories.

Thank you so much for this ask! I absolutely love it when people ask me for writing advice because it makes me feel like a Smart Person Who Knows Things.

Before we start, here is one grain of salt to take all of this with: I have a naturally long-form brain. It is very hard for me to write something less than 1k. Short fiction is great, and there is nothing wrong with sticking to short things if that's what your brain likes to do.

So. You have decided to write a story. This is going to focus on "stories". Some people write fic that's more freeform or whatever, I am not going to cover that. What I mean by a story is this:

It starts

Some stuff happens

It ends

It is highly probable that your story contains a change of state, which could be that a villain is defeated, or a goal is reached, but it could also be that character falls in love with another, or someone learns to like broccoli.

I like to start out by completing the sentence, "This is a story where _______". This is basically like coming up with a summary for an ao3 post, except that it doesn't need to be catchy. Lots of different kinds of things could go in that blank! It could literally be what happens: This is a story where Ichigo goes back in time and punches young Aizen in the nose. It could be about what you want to explore: This is a story where Hitsugaya gets a better understanding of his zanpakutou. It could be about the vibe you want to achieve: This is an AU where everyone is in a punk rock band and has cool hair and outfits. The idea of this is to clearly define what you, the author, is interested in writing. Make sure it feels right! Maybe you pick the first one, but when you say it out loud, you say, "You know, I really just want Ichigo to go back in time so he can horse around with young Renji and Rukia and punching Aizen in the nose is just an excuse for that." That may sound dumb, but it's fine, actually! Most people don't read stories strictly for the plot, they read stories for the implications of those plots! Will my favorite two characters kiss? Will there be funny interactions between these two groups of characters? Will there be sick fights? Stories are excuses to have scenes. Sometimes, you will have a story where the interesting sequence of events is the draw, but the point is to know what you're about.

Once you feel happy with your "mission statement", you need to decide the bounds of your story: where it starts and where it ends. It may be easier to start with the end. In some cases, it may be obvious from your mission statement: everyone gets home, a villain is defeated, Kenpachi realizes the meaning of friendship. On the other hand, let's look at that punk rock AU. You've picked a vibe, but you don't really have a natural story arc. It has to have a destination, though, otherwise, it's not really a story, it's a recipe for 3 chapters of an abandoned fanfic. So brainstorm a little: Maybe they get a record deal? Maybe they win a Battle of the Bands? Maybe Byakuya accepts that the band is actually good and tells Rukia he is proud of her. Do not settle for a plot just because it works. Pick something that makes you excited! You're the one who is gonna have to write it!

I said that we needed to pick a beginning point, too, but I'm actually going to skip that for now. The next thing I do is think of all the Big Scenes I want to write, the ones you are hype to write, the ones that pop in your head as you think about the premise. Make a bullet list. They don't need to be in order. The descriptions don't need to be super detailed, but write down anything about it that is important to you. If there's a mood or a snippet of dialogue or a joke you want to make, go ahead and jot that down so you don't forget it later. What you're doing now is putting broad blotches of color on a canvas, filling in space and leaving the detail for later.

Once you are pretty happy with what you have down, try to arrange it in chronological order. Put your end at the end (if it wasn't one of your big scenes, add it now). The next task is figuring out how to traverse your scenes. You've already picked out where you want to spend the majority of your energy. The rest, I regret to tell you, is your slog writing. Now, it often happens that you will find joy in some of these scenes and your best writing may occur there, but that's serendipity. These are the scenes that you are gonna have to make yourself sit down and write, so you honestly want to limit them to just the ones you need.

So how do we do this? Look at the first thing on the list. Can you start there? If so, congrats, that's your beginning. If you can't, what needs to happen to get to there? Where can you start so that you can get to your first fun scene as soon as possible? There. That’s it. You’ve picked your beginning, good job! Now, go through the rest of your list, and add in things that must happen, even if you don’t particularly look forward to writing them. The characters need to travel from geographic point A to point B. Shuuhei needs to say something that Izuru hears and misinterprets. The Central 46 makes a new law. If you have a good idea of how these things happen, go ahead and write them down, but it’s okay if you don’t know yet. Fill in all the blanks so that if you think of each bullet list as a scene, you could read it as a story, start to end. Once you get writing, you might add more scenes, or move things around or whatever, but you should have a thing that functions as a story.

If you struggle with this, an alternative is a story with a very strong structure that is going to guide you though what you have to write.Here are two examples from my own stories Hold On, Hold On (which is only one chapter, but the principle is the same) is structured around the 5 stages of grief. Not Broken, Just Bent takes place over roughly a week, and I just decided what happened every day of the week. See You on the Other Side takes place in the middle of a bunch of canon events, which worked at mile markers.

Congratulations. You’ve just made a rough outline!

Special note for avoiding burnout!: I am a slogger. I will drag myself through the broken glass of an interminable plot to get to a single thirsty scene. That's why, at this stage, I try to look at the ratio of what I want to write to what I must write. It's gonna vary for everyone, but this is a hobby, and if looking at this proto-outline makes you feel deeply tired, maybe this isn't a good story to be devoting your time to! Can you carve it down? Can you chuck two scenes you really want to write and get rid of 80% of the slog? Or maybe you can't! In that case, just write that thirsty scene as a standalone drabble! Or just go work on something else! Maybe in the future, this one will come back to you and you’ll have a fresh idea or a renewed enthusiasm for it.

Another thing I sometimes like to do at this point is to write out some notes about my characters and their motivations and moods. Character A is homesick. Character B is so determined to defeat the enemy that they are having a hard time being sympathetic to Character A. Character C cares for both A and B and is trying to support them both. This is sort of background info that you want to keep in your head as you are writing. Depending on the type of story you are writing, this might actually be the main plot, or it might be happening subtly, but adding to the emotional impact of the story. It’s very easy for me to write these sorts of emotional arcs, but if you struggle with that, you may wish to go ahead and made a more detailed outline for that, too.

Now, it’s time to start writing! I am great at beginnings-- it is very often the case for me that the opening scene was one of my Big Tentpole Scenes. (Before you hate me too much, I make up for this by being double horrible at endings; just let me have this) Usually, I will start at the beginning and write linearly for as long as I can until I get stuck. Then, I will look forward on my outline and do the next chronological scene that I feel like writing. In general, if I sit down to write and there is something I have an urge to write, that trumps everything else. Inspiration is a precious commodity, and you should embrace it when it hits! You can slog any day. I will occasionally hold off writing a scene that I really want to, because I am saving it, like a prize for myself for getting that far. This is a very personal process of figuring out what motivates your brain and then giving your brain what it needs to be its most productive.

Eventually, you will run out of things you are excited to write, but the good news is, you’ve got a bunch of story now! Odds are that what’s left is going to be a lot of those connective tissue scenes, and you’re just going to have to do them, except that now, because you’re connecting two concrete points instead of two abstract points, it will be a lot easier. You can continue running jokes you’ve started. Maybe you invented a cafe in an earlier scene where your characters hang out and you can have them return there. Try to think of ways to make these scenes more fun, both for yourself to write and for your reader to read. 

Around this time, I like to start refining that rough strokes outline into what I will call an “as-built” outline. (This is an engineering term where you update your plans or models for something to reflect any changes that had to be made along the way). This is a great activity to do at times when you feel like you have writers block. I write down every scene I have written as a 2-3 word blurb, in order. I break the scenes into what I think makes logical chapters, and I will do a word count on those prospective chapters and write it down. As you do this, you will realize that maybe you can move a scene from here to there, which will make it 1000% easier to write. Things may be happening too much, or you’ve got the characters eating three times in the same chapter. If you have subplots and dangling threads, this is where you make sure they get closure. I know this sounds very headache-y, but you are so far along in the story at this point that it’s really not-- it’s a way to look at the problems you have left. Use some sort of formatting (I like to bold things I haven’t done and sometimes I put them in red) and it gives you a very visual to-do list.

You specifically mentioned multi-chapter fanfics and I admit that I don’t tend to think in chapters, I tend to think of the story as a whole and just break it up where it feels natural. The as-built outlining I described is very helpful in making sure that my chapters feel balanced. They don’t necessarily need to be the same length, but I like them to have the same amount of stuff in them. One chapter may basically contain one long scene, and other may contain many short ones. I don’t tend to, but you can certainly have a fanfic that varies between short and long chapters, that can actually be an interesting effect. But like I said, I always like to know what I am doing, and so having it mapped out, you can say “welp, this is what I’ve done, how do I feel about that?”

Polynya, you may be saying at this point, do you write the whole fanfic before you post any of it? and I regret to inform you, the answer is yes. A lot of people write as they go, and I have made one attempt at this and I didn’t like it. I don’t like locking myself in, I just need to be able write out of order and go back and change things. Here is the story of a little in love: someone gave me an AU prompt and I got mildly obsessed with it, and wrote 5 snapshots drabbles in that universe, ending with a slight cliffhanger ending. I probably should have stopped there, but I decided to keep going. I wrote out an outline of 5 acts where the first act was detailed to the degree of each chapter being specified. The chapters here were much smaller than I usually make chapters: 1-2k. I wrote act i and ii and it was actually great, and then I hit act iii which required a lot of set up for misunderstandings and a mini romance arc. I couldn’t wing it, but nor could I figure it all out with outlining. I write dialogue in almost sort of an improv “Yes, and...?” style, so until I do it, I don’t know what’s going to happen. So, what I did was treat the second half of act iii as a complete story in the process I describe above, wrote the entire rest of it, and then posted it. One might notice that the chapter lengths grew to 3-5k each. I have two more acts to go, and I haven’t decided how I am going to do them yet, but I suspect I will treat each of them as their own mini-stories.

(I will admit that in Heart is a Muscle, I tend toward chapters that are about 10k long, and this is honestly too long, someone should smack me. If you like punchy chapters, 1-2k is good. I think 3-6k is probably an ideal chapter length. Is this how long the chapters are in my latest fanfic? Absolutely not.)

Okay, so there’s one more step, which is quality control. I am habitual re-reader-- I read my fanfics-in-progress over and over and over while I am working on them. I understand that not everyone does this, but I am usually the primary audience for my own writing, and this is the actual fun part for me. Nevertheless, you should re-read your work at least once, to make sure it hangs together.

This is purely optional, but I recommend it: get a writing friend (if you don’t like re-reading your work, I recommend this even more strongly). If you can get a full-service beta reader, that’s great, but if you can’t find someone, or if receiving that level of critique stresses you out, it’s perfectly valid to just find a friend who will read your stuff and a) shower you with compliments, b) reassure you about parts you aren’t sure about (or suggest ways to help) and c) point out any huge problems you missed. When I am writing a long fanfic, it is a huge motivational factor for me to be able to send my beta chapters as I finish them. If you are already an established writer, and you have people who consistently comment on your fic, they might be overjoyed to get a sneak peak at your work.

And that’s it! That’s the way I do it, anyway! Some people are able to sit down and write a very detailed outline and the write it start-to-finish. Good for them, I say! I have tried this and it doesn’t work great for me. I will admit that some of my fics (especially my early ones) I just sat down and banged out whole-cloth like an insane person and they are generally better than the ones I actually plan out, but that’s not a reproducible process.

As one final mechanical note, I usually write in Google Docs, which I can access on multiple devices (I used to write a lot on my phone), has convenient sharing functionality, and I use the ao3 html formatting script add-in. I generally have two documents for a single story-- one is the outline, and any other notes I want to have handy. I’ll usually put a trashcan space at the bottom for scenes that got cut but I don’t want to lose. The other is the fanfic itself.

I hope this is helpful! Please feel free to follow up with other questions and good luck with your writing!

#writing advice #longform writing

[narutakijune]

About ATLA Relationship Arcs

So, this is me, finally trying to write some meta after lurking in my little tumblr corner for months! Hi!

Although I’ve tried to tag properly, if you are a Kat*anger and just want to enjoy your favourite couple in peace, this might not be the post for you. I am not trying to bash characters but I do have a lot of critical stuff to say about the writing.

Anyway, you have been warned and here is my story about my personal first Atla experience: I watched the show this year for the first time, and after the end of Book 1 I decided to look up spoilers, because after what happened to Yue, I wanted to make sure that Zuko and Iroh would be ok. So I knew what was going to happen: Kat*ang endgame and absolutely no Zutara at all. Still, by the end of Book 3, I was convinced that I had read wrong - that there would be an epilogue with a different ending or at least that Aang would only get together with Katara post-show- in that Korra series or something - because anything else wouldn’t make sense- right?

….

After I got over my shock and surprise, I went online and found out about that decade-long aggressive passionate ship war and how even the showrunners got involved.

And then I really worried that I might have missed a few points. Apparently ”Aang and Katara were the DNA of the show”, according to the creators themselves, and “Zutara could never have happened”.

Another popular anti-ZK argument I found was: Why do you always go on about Katara and Zuko? Just look at Zuko and Aang! They are the hero/ anti-hero and each other’s foils, their relationship is much more meaningful!”

So I tried to find out what it was that I apparently couldn’t see.

(Another disclaimer: I love analysing stories (like many Zutarians apparently) and this will get long and rambly. If you get bored to tears when people start talking about “narrative structure” you will probably not like this.)

Talking about narrative structure, I do believe that, in order to let your story, your characters and their relationships really shine, a good basic structure is important. There should be a recognizable development and individual parts of the story that build upon each other and lead to consequences and change, until there is a completed arc - because it is all about the journey that takes you to a satisfying ending, right? So that’s what I tried to do, with my personal Kat*ang vs. Zutara take, I tried to look at the structure and development of their relationship arcs.

The argument that threw me off track for a while is that compared to Aang and Zuko, Zuko and Katara’s relationship is not supposed to be that relevant for the plot. After all, Zuko is the foil, the anti-hero, the deuteragonist to Aang, who is the hero protagonist.

This is all true of course. But then why is it that in every finale, Zuko’s main opponent (and later ally) is not Aang but Katara? Why is it that their sun/moon, red/blue, fire/water dichotomy is so obviously highlighted?

I think one reason why Zuko and Katara are paired off so frequently in the story - as opposite elements, as opponents and as allies - is that they BOTH are Aang’s deuteragonists. While Zuko also acts as antagonist and Aang’s foil/mirror, Katara takes over the more traditional deuteragonist role of confidant / best friend/ narrator.

Protagonist Aang is what connects them, although they are on opposite sides: Both need Aang because he represents their hope to save their world. Very simply put, Katara protects him, so he can make the world a safer place again, and Zuko wants to capture him, so he can go home and be safe again. That rivalry between them is already established in the first episode, even before they meet each other: Katara, who hopes that the Avatar will return (as she tells everyone in the intro), and Zuko, who seems to be obsessed with finding him for more sinister reasons.

And just to make sure, I am not talking here about the characters’ feelings and emotions! This is just about the abstract roles they have been assigned within the narrative.

When regarding Zutara’s special connection to Aang and their rivalry with each other, it makes absolute sense to stress their “same but different”ness as well, visually and metaphorically: Red and blue, fire and water, sun and moon, arguably Painted Lady/Blue Spirit, and, when you put into account their story arc, also Oma and Shu.

With this basis, which puts them together and sets them apart simultaneously, their relationship already becomes very dynamic and interesting, even before you consider any romantic potential.

And here’s another thing, Zuko and Katara also have their own story arc within the main plot. Although they don’t have many scenes together before Zuko joins the Gaang, when they do meet there is always a new shift in their relationship and in quite a few cases their interactions are important for the main plot as well. If you just look at their “end fights” at each book’s finale, there is an obvious and consequential build-up, like any decent story arc should have:

Book 1 starts with Zuko as the powered-up enemy and Katara as the weak newbie waterbender. Both are battling over Aang. At the end of Book 1, they are finally established as equally powerful fighters but still fundamentally different (You rise with the moon, I rise with the sun!)

In CoD at the end of Book 2 happens the next step: they realize that they are not different at all! But Aang still doesn’t represent the same for them and they end up on opposing sides of the war again.

In the Book 3 finale, when Zuko has completed his own (anti-) hero's journey and Aang represents the same “hope” for both of them, they do not only join forces: Their “same but different”- traits make them such a uniquely suited match that they are even able to save each other’s lives during their fight with Azula (who in turn happens to be Katara and Zuko’s antagonist/mirror/foil).

And in addition to their own story arc they even get an individual recurring theme, which also appears in every book whenever their relationship status changes: The lost mothers, especially Katara’s mother.

In Book 1, Katara’s necklace (the symbol of Kiya) plays not only a major part in two of Zuko’s capture attempts, it is the reason for their very first one-one one encounter in the story.

Their first friendly connection in COD in Book 2 happens because they start talking about their mothers. And in Book 3, their final reconciliation (sealed with a very cathartic hug) happens after their life-changing trip which is, of course, all about Katara’s mother.

Again, I am not even trying to analyse their characters and motivations within the story - there are many metas that have already done that much better, more detailed and with screenshots. This is just dry structure and tropes and themes. But I think people recognize and connect with a well-structured arc, even subconsciously, which is one of the reasons that makes Zutara such a compelling couple. They complete and contrast each other, their relationship dynamic constantly changes, builds up, falls apart, reconnects. Such a setup is the perfect playground for a lot of creative takes on what-ifs and alternative scenarios and of course, shipping them romantically is extremely tempting - think of all the possibilities! It’s no wonder that the Zutara fandom is still so active decades after the end of the show. And it’s also no wonder that the Zutarians are known for “over-analysing everything”. You can only over-analyse if there is anything that gives you enough food to analyse to begin with. Which brings me to

KAT*ANG

I just go right to the top and take the quote from Br*yke themselves:

Kata*ng was in the DNA of the thing from the start…. [Zutara] was just dark and intriguing.

If you read this quote and then start watching the show, I would (grudgingly) agree that:

Aang and Katara understand and complement each other really well. Aang gives her the chance to have fun and go on adventures and in turn, Katara is his fiercest supporter from the very beginning, something that he really needs after he lost all his people AND has to find out that the world thinks the war is sort of his fault. In turn, the journey to the North Pole is as important to Katara as it is to Aang, because it is her dream to learn waterbending properly. That’s what she literally says when Sokka & Co try to banish Aang: (Sokka: Where do you think you’re going? Katara: To find a waterbender. Aang is taking me to the North Pole.) In that way, they are friends who give and take equally and are equally taken care of. They even have the last Airbender/ last Southern Waterbender status that connects them. The few times they have a fight, Aang does something in the end to redeem himself (perform some heroic feat) and Katara sees that she is right to believe in him.

Aang has this very sweet crush on her and it will be very sweet and wholesome when Katara will return his feelings at the end of their adventure after he has hit puberty. On the other side, there is also some heavy shipbaiting with Zuko: I save you from the pirates. The betrothal necklace. June and her excellent shipping taste. But in the end they are enemies, they barely know each other and, come on, it would be too dark and intriguing! There is no real threat against friends to lovers Kat*ang, the soft heart of the story. It’s very straightforward and there are a lot of simple “the hero saves the day” scenes for Aang but that’s fine! It’s not really my kind of ship but that’s not the point, it works for the story they want to tell.

End of Book 1.

In my - probably harsh- opinion, everything you really need to know about the Kat*ang relationship has been told by this point. If you want to be really mean, already by Book 1, episode 3.

That explains maybe why many (not all! but many) pro-KA arguments sound as if their shippers have not watched Book 2 and 3 at all. The Book 1 synopsis also perfectly sums up Bry*ke’s quote above. But then Book 2 and 3 are still there and I don’t know what happened but it seems as if they somehow decided that the Kat*ang story does not need any new and lasting input. Maybe because they were afraid that too much new development and change would stray too far away from their original Kat*ang vision. But there are still 2 more books and more adventures and Kat*ang somehow has to be kept apart until the finale.

So the tension in their potential romance is based largely on the question whether or not Katara will return Aang’s feelings. In general I don’t have a problem with that will-she-won’t she-technique. It works well in books where the love interest is not a POV or in shows/ movies where the love interest is not one of the main characters. But Katara is not only the female lead but also arguably the narrative voice of the whole story! As a result, this kind of writing makes Katara look as if she doesn’t have any agency in their relationship, which is not surprisingly a very popular anti-KA criticism.

Additionally, since her dream - learning waterbending - has been fulfilled by the end of Book 1, the relationship work becomes a bit one-sided. Of course Aang is the hero and his journey is the heart of the story. But in order to highlight their special connection it would have helped to give Katara another personal agenda, which Aang could have supported in some way. She is still the last Southern Waterbender and he the Last Airbender but this is not really explored in the Kat*ang relationship. And her other personal agenda, her mother, is already reserved for the Zutara arc.

Instead, in Book 2 and 3 the Kat*ang story is somehow all over the place. Of course there is new conflict and a few romantic scenes as well. But obstacles are either introduced too late or just dropped when not needed anymore, conflict is not resolved and their flirty, romantic moments never lead anywhere- and if they do, they lead to more conflict that is not resolved (yes, I am looking at you, EIP Kiss!).

Take for example Katara’s very sudden argument that they cannot be together now because there is a war going on. We hear her saying that for the first time in the very last episode (EIP) before the 4-part finale. That is too late to have any impact! That she has these kinds of thoughts was never even alluded to before. Not once.

Or the pattern Aang runs away/ is flaky - Katara is upset - Aang comes back and does his hero thing - Katara is relieved. In regards to their relationship arc, nothing changes here between Book 1 and the finale, only the stakes for Aang’s heroic performances get higher.

Or Katara being the one who is able to calm Aang down when he cannot control the Avatar state (which, in my personal opinion, is neither romantic nor healthy). This is also connected to the problem with the seventh Chakra, that Aang needs to let go of his attachment for her. I will be angry forever with how they wasted this for a possible relationship development! That Aang has to decide to either do his duty or save his forever girl (because let’s be fair, he did try to let go and only ran when he had the vision of Katara in danger) - that’s a fantastic setup!

But no, it doesn’t have any real consequences for Kat*ang at all. Instead there were only half-baked attempts – Aang does lie about his failed practice with Guru Pathik but the ultimate reason why his chakra is blocked is Azula, not his decision to run. Aang does try to let go of Katara for a little bit but then Azula shoots him. Nothing in Book 3 shows any change in his feelings that could have been a result of his instant let-it-go. If anything, he gets weirdly obsessive - which could have been used as a side effect of his blocked chakra but – again, no, nothing happens.

I suspect the whole thing was just introduced to create temporary drama for poor Aang, but it is never explained why Katara holds him back, what aspect of the attachment is blocking him or what would happen if he did let her go. Maybe they tried to make a statement about how love is more important than Avatar rules – which would have been fine but it’s also never properly explored. Instead, as soon as that plot point becomes inconvenient it’s simply dropped like a random rock™.

Compare all that to the Zutara arc, where both characters’ feelings about each other are always very much in the open, and where every interaction causes lasting effects in their relationship. Yes, it is unfair to compare that to Kat*ang, because up to the end of Book 3, Zuko and Katara almost never meet, while Aang and Katara spend almost every episode together – of course they cannot do meaningful things all the time. But on the other side, with Kat*ang, there would have been a great chance to show a subtle, gradual build-up instead.

It also doesn’t help that the Zutara arc seems hellbent on sabotaging every romantic moment Aang is allowed to enjoy:

There is Kat*angs first maybe-kiss in the dark before the background of the Oma and Shu legend. But it does not lead anywhere. Instead, Zuko and Katara almost reenact the legend itself in the Book 2 finale as two real enemies to almost-friends, including a glowy rocks-backdrop and the right costume colours, just so nobody misses the message.

In Footloose The Headband, Aang and Katara have a really sweet dance together, and everybody can see how they almost intuitively know each other's moves. This could be a great hint on how well they will fight together in the finale. But is it plot-relevant? No, because the final tag team is Katara and Zuko! While Aang gets paired off with random rock™.

Then there is Aang’s riding off to battle- kiss in DotBS, which Katara is not even allowed to enjoy, because keeping her feelings vague is apparently more important than character development at this point. It is the only romantic moment that gets mentioned again, but in a way that sinks the former cute and wholesome ship into the deep ocean, and the reason is - Aang is jealous of Zuko!

If all of this was only done for the sake of shipbaiting, then it really went out of control at some point.

In the end, the showrunners still had their reasons to choose Kat*ang, maybe because that corresponded more to their own vision, and there are still enough people out there who agree with them. Which is absolutely fine! In the end, what matters most is how you personally connect to the characters and nobody needs to defend their personal taste. But the typical anti-ZK claim, that all the Zutarians with their crazy analysis and rambling meta essays are reaching and delusional and that they desperately try to construct something that isn’t there, is not only a very lazy argument but simply not true.

And I’d claim that in spite of the canon choice, Zutara is technically the better written relationship. By far.

#zutara #antikataang #anti kataang #anti-kataang #atla critical #atla writing critical #long post #atla meta