#i like. Feel Too Deeply.

[bi-demon-ium]

just a vent dont mind me

thinking about like. you know like. when you do a lot for someone you love, or just in general, like, you put in a lot of effort into something, into helping someone or making them happy, and like. you do it because you love them, or because you care about them, or just because you want to help, or because it's right, or because you just like making people happy. and that's great, that's fine, like. you really aren't doing it for something. like you don't expect anything back. they certainly don't owe you anything, they didn't ask for it, and you wanted to do it, and you'd do it again. will do it again. but sometimes it kind of--like. unfairly, selfishly, it kind of hurts that no one does the same for you. like. it feels like maybe you're not worth it. and that's silly, like. you didn't do it so that they'd do something for you, and you offered, you did it without being asked, you did it because you wanted to, and that's--that's fine. they don't owe you anything. no one owes you anything. it's petty to think i did this for you, why can't you do this for me? it's selfish. and that's fine. like. it's fine. like. it's not that you want to stop doing nice things--even if the petty thought occurs to you, the second it actually comes time, you'll immediately give in because you want them to be happy, you like doing nice things, even at cost of your preciously rare time and energy, and that's okay! they don't ask--or maybe they do, but they fully would take no for an answer and not be upset about it, and you know it's your choice--you just do it because you want to. but is it so selfish to just. wish someone would want to for you, for once? without being asked? to want to be the one taken care of? to be the one someone cooks for just because, or takes care of when you're sick, or someone goes out of their way to watch something with you even if they're not interested, or like. just. anything. anything like that. just because it's you, or just because they can, and it's nice. is that so bad. why does it always feel like you put more in than they do. why do you feel bad about it when they didn't ask you to, you're the one putting that in, and they don't owe you something equal just because you decided to go overboard. like. it's just. being too much, i guess. wanting too much. i dunno. might cry a bit.

......anyway, [bill wurtz voice] you could make a blorbo fanfic out of this

yes, yes. projecting onto blorbos. That Will Fix Me.

so if you see some extremely specific angst fic from me later, [rainbow star goes across the screen] Now You Know

#this is mostly about one specific person but she doesn't even have a tumblr so it's not like she'll see this. well maybe a few people but #no one who has my tumblr. but also just in general i think i just. i dont know sometimes i think i pour too much of myself into everything #i like. Feel Too Deeply. #care too much? maybe? and then feel selfish when i feel bad it isn't necessarily returned with the same level of intensity? #i don't know that makes it sound like it's everyone and it's not #but just like. it's a pattern #not with everyone i've ever met/befriended or anything but like. with more than one person ive cared really deeply about #but how much of that is real and how much of it is my warped perceptions? thrown off by self esteem issues and self centeredness? #i so easily misunderstand things. or do i? maybe im jsut really easy to manipulate? or both? although manipulate implies its on purpose #i dont think it is #but i guess i wouldnt know #im a little too stupid for that #i dont know .ignore me #vent #man my mommy issues are out of hand #delete later #probably #yknow i dont remember al ot of my childhood but surely she did like. hug me sometimes right? like take care ofme when i was sick? i know #that dad did but like. it's not like she's actually terrible at parenting and she likes young kids and it was pre-losing my dad so like #probably??? right???? i just dont remember??? #oh no my hands are shaking thats not good #god 'cares too much' this makes me sound like some kind of saint or something. not what i mean. just like. ugh i dont know #its. its annoying.

[pherredraws]

from the homumiko mines

#dgs #tgaa #dgs spoilers #tgaa spoilers #homumiko #idk why mikotoba is taller in the kiss. hes on his tiptoes #the first one is inspired by the moment when sholmes puts his hands on ryu's neck so he can feel how cold they are from blood loss lol #anyway i continue to be deeply fascinated with early years homumiko #i feel like my view of their relationship is more slowburn than most #like. they were both not at their best when they met and i can very much see a scenario where they start living together w/out necessarily #liking each other #the last one in based on a line in 1-5 where gregson (?) says that after an hour of blood loss even sholmes piped down or something #which makes me think he would not shut up beforehand. and i think he'd say some stuff He Really Shouldn't Have #but susato wrote it off as delirium + she was too worried abt her dad and messing with the crime scene #que like 5 months later her going .........ohhhhhh #thats not how you write que i think. anyway

[spriteofmushrooms]

The first time Jin Guangyao held Jin Ling did not go as he'd expected. Jiang Wanyin, half-mad and barely functional, for some reason had been allowed into the nursery by Jin-furen. The moment whispers of this reached Jin Guangyao, of course he went to intercede; and it was fortunate he had. He could hear wailing halfway down the corridor.

"Why is he crying?" Jiang Wanyin demanded of the wetnurse as he held the baby incorrectly.

"This one is sure Sandu Shengshou knows better than her," she replied, eyes wide. Jin Guangyao made note of this, but he had few hopes of improvement. Jin servants knew to be meek.

"Obviously, I don't," Jiang Wanyin snapped, brows furrowed as he stared down at Jin Ling. Jin Guangyao purposefully brushed the silk of his robe, and like a dog Jiang Wanyin raised his head at the sound. "Lianfang-zun, what am I doing wrong?"

With a smile, Jin Guangyao moved between the shaking wetnurse and the mad dog of Lotus Pier. "Jiang-zongzhu, babies require support. Adjust your hand--yes, ah, slightly to the side--"

"Please just show me," Jiang Wanyin said, sounding tired as he held out Jin Ling.

The moment stilled. If his cultivation were better, Jin Guangyao believed he would hear the wetnurse's breath stop. She was, after all, expressly forbidden from allowing his whoreson hands to touch his nephew; yet neither of them could deny a sect leader.

A-Ling was warm and soft, sweetly heavy as all babies should be. His embroidered, daffodil-colored swaddling still burned with the heat of Jiang-zongzhu's high cultivation. Automatically, Jin Guangyao checked the boy for a fever; but of course no illness was allowed to fester in this child.

His chubby cheeks were red from crying, but as Jin Guangyao settled him in his arms, Jin Ling slowly quieted.

"As expected of Lianfang-zun," Jiang Wanyin said, slightly mocking.

When Jin Guangyao gauged his expression from under his eyelashes, however, Jiang Wanyin seemed wistful. He looked as young as he was.

(For a moment, Wen Ruohan's laughter filled his mind. "Xiao-zongzhu" had been a common target of derision, in the beginning. Wen Chao's account of the rape of Lotus Pier had been unusually thorough, and its contents were well-known amongst Wen Ruohan's inner circle. Jin Guangyao had not included the details in his reports to either his father or Lan Xichen. He doubted that this discretion would matter at all to Jiang Wanyin, who had tortured Wen Chao at the side of Wei Wuxian. What would he do to Jin Guangyao for being the last to know?)

Choosing to ignore the self-deprecation and memories both, Jin Guangyao instructed Zidian's master on the handling of human children. Jiang Wanyin made an attentive student, but he did not reach to take Jin Ling even once Jin Guangyao finished. "Would you like to hold him?"

Frowning with concentration, Jiang Wanyin nodded and sidled closer. He held his arms as Jin Guangyao had shown him, and then he checked Jin Guangyao's face, seeking approval.

"Good," Jin Guangyao said. Jiang Wanyin didn't smile, but some tension eased. Careful not to touch hands, Jin Guangyao returned Jin Ling to his jiujiu.

The wetnurse's gentle "oh" described the scene well.

Against the black and violet, Jin Ling looked like a ray of sunshine piercing clouds. Jiang Wanyin's face cleared until he looked as delicately beautiful as gossip painted him to be; while Jin Guangyao generally considered him fragile, it was more in the sense of an arrow point designed to break once it pierced flesh. Now, though, he could understand why Jiang Wanyin was so often painted as a mourning lover spurned by the Yiling Laozu.

Then Jin Ling fell asleep, and Jiang Wanyin's eyes watered. He slowly settled onto the couch, careful not to jostle their nephew.

"How long can I stay?"

Ideally, half an incense stick. Jin Guangyao turned to the wetnurse. "Could you please ask Jin-furen to advise us?"

She bowed her head and left.

After a few moments, Jiang Wanyin said, "She needs guards in the room with her. If she can't even tell me I've fucked up, how will she fare against assassins?"

"Gold Scale Tower has many guards," Jin Guangyao began, but Jiang Wanyin snorted.

"Where do you think we are? If some pompous Jin cousin demands Jin Ling, would she say no? Much less someone with weapons drawn."

"As a servant--"

"Jiang servants can and would."

Jin Guangyao smiled. "Is it not true that Jiang servants are entirely comprised of disciples, disciple candidates, and those who failed to cultivate but chose to stay?"

"It's a sect," Jiang Wanyin answered. "Typically, they are operated like sects, yes."

"Gold Scale Tower must run in accordance with its scale," Jin Guangyao said. "The servants are often merely servants."

Jiang Wanyin, whose face displayed his opinion of that, said nothing for a moment, allowing Jin Guangyao to notice his headache. "She needs guards for herself, not just outside of the room," he repeated.

"Perhaps this is something you can address with Jin-furen?"

Looking up from Jin Ling, Jiang Wanyin studied him. "Alright. Is there anything else you want me to say?"

Jin Guangyao's fingers twitched with the desire to straighten his gold robes. "Between Jin-furen and Jiang-zongzhu, I am sure that all concerns have been considered."

"Please, you notice everything and didn't accept one single item I suggested for a-jie's wedding," Jiang Wanyin said. "Do you expect me to believe you don't have opinions on Jin Ling?"

Jin Guangyao inclined his head, and then he tentatively offered an observation and a suggestion. When Jiang Wanyin merely looked thoughtful, Jin Guangyao continued; while Jiang Wanyin occasionally asked clarifying questions, he never reacted emotionally.

It was... strange, to be in a room with this man, discussing the care of a child he wasn't allowed to do anything for. He wondered what he must look like to Jiang Wanyin to be accepted so easily as an expert on Jin Ling, on anything. Unsettling.

Yet unlike Nie Mingjue, being seen didn't seem dangerous; unlike Wen Ruohan, being noticed didn't accompany invitations to violence.

No, Jiang Wanyin observed him, and his conclusion was that Jin Guangyao could teach him how to hold his one treasure.

For the first time, it seemed like sharing a nephew with this man might be interesting, not simply alarming. Jin Guangyao looked forward to observing him further.

#pallas.rtf #mdzs #chengyao #my writing #i've never written from jgy's pov before 🙈 hopefully it's not too wrong #i wanted to show that jgy is the kind of person who is always thinking; always remembering; always connecting threads #you know. the kind of person who won't get dementia because his neural links are too vast and sexy #and also that he's afraid All The Time #anyway. #chengyao real #also that he plays with jiang cheng like a very stupid but cute puppy #this is deeply important to me and my chengyao feelings

[turbo-tsundere]

*superglues them together*

Aka, eeeeh fok it. Here's some ougoku stuff I've been sitting on. Happy THOSE GUYS day.

#gonta gokuhara #gokuhara gonta #kokichi ouma #ouma kokichi #kokichi oma #danganronpa #v3 #ndrv3 #ougoku #ougoku day #awwgoku #wip #I drew some of these for jellybeanbagel to bribe them into finishing their fangame lmao. #2021-2023 stuff #my art #I doubt me liking this ship is a surprise to anyone given my old uploads but tbh it's a miracle that I do. Or should I call it 'anomaly'? #this is very much a 'ship chose me' scenario - my conflicting feelings towards it oddly became part of the appeal that I learned to embrace #it's complicated and might be due to me being prolly uncommon case of Gonta-main ougoku enjoyer and maybe also a masochist sdfdf #but I will never object to Gonta being treated kindly when it comes to fluff and 'what could've been' potential #and upsetting parts are compelling and deserve to be seen and explored for what they are- it's a waste to justify/idealise or minimize them #and boy do these guys have an emotional range I physically cannot overlook despite visceral and deeply personal pain some parts of it cause #...and also because of it #and on that note - I have some not so sweet nor cozy stuff with them as well that I might compile one day... to balance this post >:) #still tho I promise to give other gonta ships some love too. after all this is only one of my top 3

[itwoodbeprefect]

going into manner of death you may think this is a show about an adult man with an adult job (performing autopsies on his childhood friends), but the further you get, the more clear it becomes that this is actually a show about an adult man with way too many adult jobs (he also treats patients in the ER, gets called in for emergency surgery, and juggles several potentially connected murder investigations as an unpaid side gig). no wonder literally every single person around him keeps randomly handing him food, even though we know he's a good cook. with only twenty-four hours in a day, it's a miracle he even finds the time to be weird and domestic with his prime murder suspect and their pet cactus

#the only medical job he doesn't seem to take on is running the illegal abortion clinic in town #and it sort of feels like that's mostly because he hasn't been back long and didn't know it existed. i believe in you dr. bun #given a little time to settle in you could be cool enough to offer illegal abortions too!! #* #manner of death #anyway. loved this one! it got a touch insane and hard to follow in that final episode but i deeply appreciate what it was trying to do

[knifearo]

aspecs: i've been thinking a lot lately about the "ace people can still have sex in a relationship/aro people can still be in romantic relationships" sentiment and the logistics of being aspec in relationships in general. obviously, the predominant sentiment is that you should be able to have a relationship where the other person will be happy without having sex/being romantic with you. if you feel comfortable sharing in tags/replies/reblogs/asks/whatever, though, i'd really like to hear people's experiences with sex/romance in relationships as an ace/aro person. have you found it generally possible to have a relationship with an allo person when you're ace and don't want to engage in sex? what are people's experiences being aro and being in relationships (labeled romantic or otherwise) with alloros? reblogging for reach is appreciated and any related experiences you feel comfortable sharing are completely welcome <2

#aspec4aspec relationship experiences welcome too obviously. not specifically what i'm looking for here but i always love to hear ab it haha #please do pass this on if you feel inclined. i'm looking to get like. survey reach. y'know. #curious is the wrong word but i'm thinking a lot about aspec people in relationships after that last big post i made #and i really want to have a better idea of what it's really like for people. #not so much curiosity as desire to understand. material for better allyship to my aspec siblings who engage in relationships like that. #care very deeply for you guys i want to facilitate a better understanding of aspec experiences for everyone <3 #aromantic #aromanticism #arospec #aroace #aspec #talking #asexual #ace #asexuality #acespec #aro

[catastrxblues]

EVERMORE by taylor swift (feat. bon iver) — “and i was catching my breath, floors of a cabin creaking under my step. and i couldn’t be sure, i had a feeling so peculiar, this pain wouldn’t be forevermore.”

my #swiftiegiftexchange2024 for @lovesickallovermybed!!!! 🫶🏽🫶🏽

#HIII HII HII how are you <3333 SO sorry for being slightly to the party but HII #i saw that you are currently recovering from surgery and i‘m wishing you all the best and =a faster recovery 💗💗 i hope you’re okay and #are feeling and getting much better every day 💗💗💗 #i’m your anon swiftie and it was really nice to get to know you!! 🫶🏽 you’re super super talented and your gifs are so so STUNNING #it was such an honor to be your anon for this event and i had such a fun time making this ! #i was SO excited when i saw that some of your favorite ts songs are evermore and idsb. really really sorry i didn’t have the time to make #something for both because my laptop went dead for sometime and i ended up only having the time to make this 😭 #evermore the song is something i hold and cherish deeply in my heart too and it was something that has seen some of the worst of my days #and so i decided to do this song for your gift instead! #i can’t really gif much and couldn’t even try #because my laptop in which i had installed ps in went rip so i decided to make you this #(slightly messy sorryy) scrapbook of my view of the song! i tried to incorporate some of the descriptive lyrics and the objects mentioned i #the song and i hope you like it 😁! #and because i think evermore is also something that IS meant to be incredibly personal to the people that listen to it #i decided to include some photos (+added highlights on every lyric that has ever touched me which is almost everything as you can see 😭) #of some of my journal pages on which i rewrote the entire lyrics (except bon iver’s addition 😅) in ‘21 when the song meant to me the most! #i hope you're having a great dayy love 🫶🏽🫶🏽 #SwiftieGiftExchange2024 #taylor swift #tswiftedit #evermore #*my edits #nadine.mp3

[twinstxrs]

the gorgug-porter conversation is interesting to me because like. yea for the overwhelming majority of the conversation porter’s being shitty & trying to fit gorgug into a box that gorgug just does not fit into by trying to make gorgug’s relationship with his rage more focused on the aggression aspect of it. but then there’s also this specific thing that brennan brought up again in the ap, which is that gorgug’s relationship with his rage is wholly “this is a tool i use to protect my friends.” which isn’t a bad thing! but that’s his Whole relationship with it, & gorgug seems to place next to no value on his rage in relationship to himself. which is problematic, because it’s first & foremost his rage.

being raised in a household with a sort of toxic positivity largely meant that, whether or not it was his parents’ intention, gorgug internalized the message that more traditionally “negative” emotions such as anger are the wrong response to something. part of the reason he prioritizes his artificing is probably because it’s “fixing” things. in comparison to being a barbarian, which gorgug associates with “breaking” things. good vs. bad behavior, in his eyes.

it’s a totally unacceptable bar to measure a 16 y/o by, but i do think part of porter’s reasoning for not letting gorgug multiclass is him recognizing that gorgug generally does not value anger as a valid emotional response to something, at the very least for himself. & that directly conflicts with what being a barbarian is, because whether you like it or not, that rage is what fuels you. but again, barring a kid from pursuing something they deeply care about in part (not entirely, porter has a lot of more bullshit reasons) because of their fundamental values & world outlook is crazy.

so yes, 98% of porter’s reasoning is pretty shitty, immature, rife with a toxic view that there’s only one proper way to access rage, & generally not a good thing to do as a teacher, but also within that reasoning is the 2% of ‘there is a fundamental part of yourself that you only value if you can use it to take care of other people & you need to accept that as something that can take care of you, too.’ but that’s something to discuss with a therapist or a guidance counselor, not something that should hugely impact gorgug’s academic future.

#gorgug thistlespring #fantasy high #dimension 20 #fhjy #fhjy spoilers #btw these r just my personal opinions u r 100% free to disagree #gorgug & his rage interest me so deeply because of how deeply that rage existing seems to be against gorgug’s own will #like mechanically classes are choices & you can switch stuff around any time. but gorgug as a barbarian always felt like an unwilling choice #like that 14 y/o kid did not want to have rage. & that really interests me. #i’ve seen people before be like ‘what if gorgug dropped barbarian & went full srtificer’ but i feel like that simply can’t happen?? #mechanically yea sure but it always felt like a core part of gorgug that the rage will always be there & it’s a matter of how you channel it #idk. dnd classes narratively being treated as ‘you can not lose this part of you’ even though you technically can #gorgug could be lvl 19 artificer & he’d still have 1 level of barbarian. because that is part of who he is. #btw i don’t think porter truly cares about gorgug valuing his rage only as a way to be a human shield #i think porter just sees that as ‘wrong’ but like. not as in ‘you need to take care of yourself’ & more ‘you aren’t conforming’ #he thinks it’s wrong for the wrong reasons. the nastier ‘this is how you should be’ reasons #ppl being like ‘we r being too hard on porter. it’s an 150% courseload gorgug will be overwhelmed’ i think r missing the point bc like. #that is 100% a valid reason to not approve gorgug for multiclassing! but that’s also 100% not the reason porter rejected him. #that whole interaction was basically porter shoving his percieved version of conformity down gorgug’s throat. was v neurodivergent kid coded #no hate to anyone saying that last point btw these r all just opinions #thinking about last ep wilma & digby being like ‘you’re a great barbarian. you’re so great at it. but look at what you made!!!’ like. #they would never mean it like that. but when you only understand half of your son he is going to prioritize the half you do.

[robinfollies]

BREATHE IN LIKE WAVES

ON A GLASS BEACH

🌊🌺🌿✨🩵

(speedpaint + little art ramble under the cut!)

NOVEMBER 21ST… very special day for me!!! three years ago today i got into billie bust up, and two years ago today i started listening to glass beach and MAN. THEY IRREVERSIBLY CHANGED ME. my love for billie bust up + glass beach are very intertwined in my heart, they both mean A Lot to me so this piece is incredibly personal… it was pretty experimental and very much inspired by the aesthetics of the first glass beach album’s cover art, and OUH. I HAD SOO MUCH FUN. i put a lot of love and passion into this piece and i really hope that shows !!! 🥹🩵

ANYWAYS!!! WISHLIST BBU ON STEAM, STREAM THE FIRST GLASS BEACH ALBUM, GET READY FOR PLASTIC DEATH JAN 19!!! YIPPEE 💥💥💥

[🎵 glass beach - glass beach]

#robin’s art #billie bust up #glass beach #glass beach band #bbu billie #not tagging all the little guys that show up sorry 🥹 too many of them !!! #unless i feel like organizing that deeply later. but i think its fine for now #ugh i love bbu and glass beach so much. despite it all i stay whimsical #fav game and fav band that i am incredibly abnormal about! HEARTS HEARTS EXPLOSION #2023 art #speedpaints

[homophyte]

its an episode about the many ways morty fears rick.

its about being afraid of rick and being afraid of his sadness and his callousness and his power. its about morty knowing the power rick has over him and being afraid of that. and knowing that ricks decisions are fickle and often Bad and that morty is going to be beholden to them. when rick jumps morty is forced to follow after and pay the same price for no crime. and the fear that for his loyalty and obedience there is no reward . Morty Is Afraid Of Being A Dog.

if rick is in a simulation where hes given everything he wants and hes too selfish and cowardly to leave when it threatens his life, morty will have to die with him.

if rick is in a simulation where he has the option of pretending nothing is wrong and everything is fine and hes too selfish and cowardly to admit its a lie even when it threatens his life, morty will have to die with him.

if rick is forced to admit he cares for morty or die he would die before saying it. and morty knows it. and Im Going Crazy

#myposts #liberated from dms bc im going crazyyyy bitch!!!! what!!!!!!! #i had to stop wathcing rick and morty bc the abuse narrative made me too insane #they were like freaky music playing over rick explictly saying he cares about morty and i was like screams #sorry theres somethijg so fuckingh. So. about morty fearing that rick wouldnt jump in the hole with him #and rick in fact not jumping into the hole with him. #like the whole. episode hinges on morty feeling thats hes actually beholden to RICKS fears and ricks decisions and ricks power over him #such that the reveal that its all been his own fears--OF RICK--is. ooooooughghgh its amazing #genuinely. i think one of the best episodes of the whole show #something so. ominous. about rick at the end mimicking morty from the beginning #like hes about to go on his own--as we watched morty play out the fear he would be too weak to leave-- #only to show this proof he cares deeply for morty. only to realize that is in fact just as scary. #like double subversion--hes not doing the obvious scary thing but the thing he does instead is just. scary in a different way #rick and morty #fear no mort

[wekillitwithfire]

#this is a joke poll #but also i genuine question i asked myself in the shower today #i feel like i got an early start on the whole. horrid terrifying mental state thing #and then i was able to pull myself out of it pretty early too #(based on what other people said. i had gotten out of the worst of it by the time most people like. Start the Bad Years) #(broad generalization) #and then highschool was spent trying to move on from it. but like i didn’t Really move on i was just ignoring it #and pretending it never happened? #and now i’m like. man i didn’t plan this far #and i think i might feel this way for a long time #idk life is full of uncertainties and i think it’s ultimately useless to try and plan it all out #let’s get through this #alright deeply personal post OVER

[waystarresourceco]

Ashley Zuckerman on Ken and Nate's backstory together in Shanghai. (x)

Also, if anyone has wants a drop more of Ken and Nate interacting, additional dialogue below from "The Disruptor" demonstrating that Ken and Nate were probably the most annoying people at every bar or party in Shanghai (with bonus Ken and Shiv needling each other).

The below is the deleted dialogue from a slightly extended version of the scene that already appears in "The Disruptor" but including it for the 5 people looking for Kennate crumbs.

#I feel like we moved on from Kennate too quickly #also deeply invested in trying to figure out whether dating one of Kendall's friends was a benefit or a drawback for Shiv #on the one hand she stole one of Ken's friends (assuming he was Kendall's friend first) so that's a win #however he is also actually friends with Kendall which is an inherent drawback #i have a whole thing of headcanons on this I'm so tempted to post... #kennate #kendall roy #nate sofrelli #cast interviews #hbo succession #succession #shiv roy #ashley zukerman

[milfygerard]

but fr outside of my contracted madness i absolutely refuse to give joe alwyn gold rush like how is that song at all related to their relationship the lyrics clearly spell out a relationship that either never existed or only existed in implication and fantasies and maybe-maybe nots and its so bitter and yet desperately soft in the bridge where it almost projects a sense of envy, of wanting to be them as much as you want them. It continues an interesting oft ignored lyrical trend of taylor wanting just as much to be her lover as to have them, envying their easy charisma (you were flush with the currency of cool/i was always turning out my pockets) or quiet dignity (your integrity makes me seem small) dating back to her earliest songs (the kind of flawless i wish i could be). Theres a projected self hatred and yearning to be better that twists itself into both romantic and sexual lust for her partners thats so fascinating and speaks to how all of her songs regardless of who theyre about are also an act of self reflection on who she is and who she wishes to be.

#barry.txt #taylor swift #putting this in the tags as a form of self protection but make no mistake this is a gay thing to do especially in gold rush #which through simple context clues is Obviously About A Woman or maybe even women in general #whivh is a totally seperate post on how taylor constructs and uses gender identity in her music #her girlhood and femininity are earnest but also so carefully constructed and so high effort and kind of desperate #shes a deeply self concious and obsessive person who never looks comfortable in anything ever unless shes #onstage or like. by herself in loose jeans and a tshirt #i think thats one of the things that subconsciously irritate ppl when it comes to her shes constantly and clearly putting in effort #to appear As The Celebrity Taylor Swift and struggles not to self censor or overperform in interviews (when she gives them) #especially present in pre 1989 interviews where the interviewers really didnt have to respect her or worry abt how they frame her #if they didnt want to. Like the fearless era rolling stone interview where she almost has a meltdown over her mom buying eggnog instead of #milk. That whole interview is strange looking back not just bc of the weird misogyny but also because of what it does share #taylor is....weird. She has a strange and desperate vibe and always reacts slightly too much and uses slang poorly #shes media trained and has learned how to socialize but you can feel her discomfort whenever she doesnt have a guitar in her hand #idk these tags have once again gotten so unweildy. i just find it interesting that she finally feels some level of comfortable #in sharing that construction w us in songs like mirrorball and mastermind and imo gold rush #and scene #should i write this up and put it in the swiftieism zine #i should write something and put it in the swiftieism zine

[aftg-stuff-lol]

HC that Nicky struggles with chronic depression and Erik is the only one who sees how dark it gets. When Nicky doesn't feel the need to clown around for an audience he just crumbles.

#excuse me but I feel like we moved past the little detail of conversation therapy too fast #growing up with two parents that never loved him unconditionally #devouting the very first years of his adult life to two cousins that torment him non stop #we all understand Nicky is fucked up #I don't think we realise how deeply fucked up he is beneath his stupid jokes and easy laughter #nicky hemmick #all for the game #aftg #the foxhole court #andrew minyard #nora sakavic

[kindaorangey]

once again screaming crying throwing up about the fact that infinity train was prematurely cancelled despite being contracted for 5 seasons.

#infinity train #like i really really want all 8 seasons. & i really really want present day!amelia and all that would come with that (e.g. hazel and grace) #but i feel like i would be so much more content with the show's cancellation if we had the bow on top of it all that was the amelia season #because she was the villain from s1 #the fallout of her villanry births the antagonists from s2. #she appears again in s3 having moved on slightly and changed her outlook. thereby creating a somewhat optimistic outlook on the end point of #her story #and s4 shows (in parts) her descent into villany. #she's been the main reocurring presence in the whole show and her train motivation (unbearable grief) and villain arc are the most #complex the show would've handled #i truly believe that if they had been allowed to make it it would have served as a perfect ending to the show #because she's been built up for so long and because the writers would've had so much material to work with AND detail to pay attention to #it wouldve been spectacular.... and everything they wanted to explore in later seasons wouldve been so good too #(older tulip and revenge and acceptance of something as complicated as alzheimer's disease) #(and i also think it wouldve been neat for them to show us a glimpse of 40 y/o rymin cuz those boys have major issues still when they get #off the train #and so id like a snapshot of them in the future that shows they worked things out) #yeah. justice 4 infinity train justice 4 amelia hughes. i want to fuck that 60y/o deeply evil woman so badly and i need her back in my life

[chirpsythismorning]

Some of the evidence supporting Mike not being in love with El is brutal. No, but seriously.

In s3, when El's leg is injured, instead of Mike putting his arm around her waist, allowing him to take some of the weight off her injured leg, he puts his arm around her shoulder, basically having the exact opposite affect of taking the weight off of her, instead just adding more weight for her to have to carry.

Now, I’m not coming at Mike here, I’m actually coming at the writers, because this choice here has everything to do with them using this gesture to signal Mike’s lack of feelings for El, even at the expense of realism.

I say this bc any person with common sense, including Finn and everyone around him and Millie filming these shots, would've known it looked unnatural for Mike to be adding more weight onto El as opposed to taking some off of her.

This means that what Mike did here, Finn was directed to do, and therefore it was for a specific reason.

And we know they could have easily made the opposite choice, because they show us Max AND Lucas doing it.

See how putting an arm around El's waist looks so much more natural? Because homegirl is injured and clearly needs help taking weight off her leg to qualm some of the pain she's experiencing there, which is why Max and Lucas are shown here doing it the correct way.

And so, why can't Mike do the same? Why are the writers making a point to show Mike being incapable of simply taking some weight off of El, instead doing the exact opposite?

I don't think it's as deep as Mike not being able to do something intimate, and that's bc, again we see Max and Lucas doing it.

I honestly think what they're trying to convey with this choice here, is that Mike thinks he's helping El, when he is in fact doing the opposite despite his best efforts. The implications of that and how that sort of aligns with their romantic relationship and what it leads to at the end of s3, going into s4, is pretty spot on.

I do think Mike thinks he's doing the right thing by being with El instead of voicing any doubts at the end of s3, because he is under the assumption that she is in love with him. I do think he believes he is indebted to her and that this is the least he can do after everything they've been through together, which has mostly been riddled with romantic pressures and so continuing that instead of disputing it seems like the only option anyways. Not to mention, he does care for her deeply, so it's not hard to imagine that he's a teenage boy confusing deep care for love (he literally tells us this is his problem when he can only say care and not love to El's face... but that's a whole other conversation).

Still, when it's all said and done, Mike's not actually doing El any favors by being with her romantically, if that is not what he truly wants.

Because that's the sad truth about all of this, which is that you would never want someone to be with you just because you want them. If you knew that they truly couldn't have those feelings for you, you'd want to know, right? You don't deserve someone just because you have deep feelings for them. And I think there's so many layers to this idea, bc many people are capable of not giving Byler a chance bc they truly believe Mike could never return Will's feelings. Will also feels this way atp, so though it hurts, he rips the band aid off, because he would never want Mike to be with him just out of pity or something. No one would want that. And so it all really comes down to who Mike truly loves romantically and wants to be with. And the right thing to do, even if it hurts someone, is to be honest, because being with them just bc you think that will make them happy is never going to be enough if you aren't truly feeling it, or worse, feel it for someone else.

We see how Mike's inability to be honest with El at the end of s3, leads to a season of Mike feeling deeply insecure and undeserving of the love El has to offer him, and even though he does try, he always comes up short. Despite Mike putting up this front that they are the perfect couple, the details are telling us something is off. And it gives him away.

Another example that I think is very similar to this loaded gesture from Mike to El in s3, is the scene in s4 when they hug in the airport.

Common sense ppl, picture this: You're reuniting with your long distance girlfriend. Then suddenly, she runs up to you, with her arms wide open, and instead of opening your arms wide to embrace her properly, you take the bouquet of flowers you brought her as a gift, and shove them against your chest just as she approaches to hug you, effectively squishing the present you got for her (a pretty delicate present at that) for no reason other than to... what exactly?

Like?? El isn't even squishing the present Mike, she's trying to hug you, dude! Your gf is trying to hug you properly and you threw the gift you got for her in between you so you could throw in a careful! x3??

Again, this has less to do with Mike's thoughts and reasoning behind this gesture in a literal sense, and more to do with the simple fact that this is a narrative choice! Mike is not a real person! There are real people sitting down and writing this and actors are having to do multiple takes to act it out. What feels natural for a situation is going to be what is often chosen 9 times out of 10, because of realism and wanting the audience to see stuff happening that is believable. That 1 time though, when it's not being done the way it would usually be, is usually because there's a specific reason for it.!

So the question really is, not why is Mike doing this, but why are the writers having Mike do this, and what message are they trying to convey about Mike's feelings based on his behavior, in these moments where he's just not capable of committing to El genuinely, one way or another?

#byler #no but most of the gay subtext is just so like... you really didn't have to do all that? #gay subtext at the expense of realism? check #mike thinks he's helping el by not breaking her heart and just being with her despite feelings for will he can't deny #very reminiscent of mike's 'maybe you thought you were helping but you weren't. you hurt me! what you did sucks!' #i do think it would be epic too see that moment come full circle but with el saying it to mike this time #bc i'm sure el would much rather have her heartbroken finding out that mike is incapable of loving her romantically #than to find out he was with her bc he didn't want to hurt her even at the expense of his own happiness #like no one wants to have someone be with them out of pity or obligation #we want someone to love us truly and deeply and genuinely! #we see how much el struggles in s4 bc of all the hints she's getting from mike that he doesn't genuinely love her #bc that's the most important part of a romantic relationship #it being equal #and it didn't feel that way #sure she's gonna be pissed #but she's gonna be more pissed he wasn't just honest #friends don't lie obvs