#i let my anxiety control me

[dreamwinged]

also i think i know how i could relieve a lot of the guilt n tension i feel online butttt aaaahaahahahah . i can’t do that

#.mei’s chatter ˚༘⋆ ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖ #im so scared and lame at the end of the day #i let my anxiety control me #but . WHATEVER #slowly been feeling a little more open so idk idk idk idk #being in the community is just such a toss up for me . of course i love it i love all of you it’s the best part of my day etc #but i also feel sm guilt for the way i present/act in here #the fact that i struggle to express myself therefore making it harder to connect w others #i genuinely wish so much i could be more open and less closed off on here #but i am jst so scared 2do that i caaant. even posting writing terrifies me these days #my selfship brings me sm comfort but sharing it online Not so much sometimes #it’s ok

[merverelli]

just a couple of dirty bean boys!

#jacksepticeye #just like art #this was SO CLOSE to never being finished #art machine (me) broke halfway through but we did it #uni is............. going #even though im only doing 2 subjects im losing it man #i think its just ALL OF THE GROUP PROJECTS IM DOING #like my groups are fine theyre all sweet and nice but i just. #just let me do it by myself let me take 100% control without guilt let me only depend on myself doing it #im such a damn follower with group projects please itd be quicker if it was just me making my own shots instead of a second party coming in #and asking for my opinion when my opinion is always ''do whatever you want :)'' because i either dont mind OR i dont have the social energy #to say otherwise like theyd be fine with it but i just cant do it man i got anxiety of the social kind i cant keep going man i cant #i dont like feeling like im letting down other people or that theyre depending on me im bad under pressure #JUST LET ME DO IT ALONE AND ONLY DISAPPOINT MYSELF BRO CMON #the group projects are wrapping up soon so i cant complain but im screaming #besides that ive been good thanks for asking!

[silenthillbunni]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[amaraudermind]

Think of Me—A Story about the Beauty of Silence

It’s Ace Week, and as such I am finally getting around to talking about one of my favorite stories from this year’s DC Pride special. Specifically, Connor Hawke’s story.

First of all, I love how they tied Connor’s Relationship with his dad to his struggles with sexuality. It was done beautifully. And it’s accurate: he grew up thinking of simplistic answers to simple desires. He was isolated from much of the world, and that kept him from learning about a lot of the more complex things in regards to relationships. Of all kinds.

The creators of this comic artfully tell a story that I have been trying to convey for years.

But this here is the part that really means a lot to me. Talking about sexuality by way of music.

A fact that almost no one knows about me is that I write music for myself. It’s a way for me to interact with my emotions meaningfully. When I am overwhelmed with emotion, I scribble it down, I scream it out, and I give it space to exist. I have never written a song about my sexuality.

When I read these panels, I cried. I had never seen it conveyed this way. I had always thought of it this way. I had never put it together. It’s the kind of story that talks to a thought in the back of your mind, that tells you it’s true and that you were right.

My sexuality is a silence. I have never been able to turn it into song. And for a long time, I thought that was a problem with me. But it isn’t. It’s not a problem at all.

There are times when metaphors don’t work. Mostly there are metaphors that work for some people and not for others. I’m not always so good with metaphors, but this one is me. It’s a metaphor and it’s literal and it’s a story that I can look at and go “This is me. This is what it’s like. Look at this, look at me.”

I’ve spent a lot of time in the past few months thinking about this. About just what I want to with and for and about this story specifically. It means so much to me, and I know it means a lot to others, too.

I also spent several of these months scared to put it into words. To liken myself to a hero who is like me because his tag was flooded with people saying it was wrong.

But it’s not wrong. And this is who Connor is. It’s who I am. And I am so grateful to everyone who filled the Connor Hawke tag with edits and positivity despite all of that.

I’m Asexual. And I’m proud of who I am, I’m proud of who we are, now that I can hear it.

#dc #connor hawke #green arrow #asexual #ace #ace week #void posts #void comic thoughts #writing this for the second time because my browser crashed but it's all good now #I have it written this time #i'm not gonna lie i am still a little scared about posting this but um. yeah. #sometimes i am able to not let my anxiety control me and it might as well be today

[thebluestbluewords]

Tide Pool Adventures

“You cannot eat a raw jellyfish.” Evie says firmly. “We share one bathroom, and I am not skipping my skincare routine just because you decided to eat the ocean and  gave yourself food poisoning.” 

“Maybe the jellyfish should be your new skincare routine,” Mal says thoughtfully. “It looks soft and slimy enough.” 

“Gross. I don’t want to put things you pulled out of the ocean on my face.” 

“Or in your mouth, apparently.” Mal teases. She’s in an unexpectedly good mood. The beach, which she’d expected to be bright and sunny and full of cheery tourists, is instead slightly overcast and full of interesting things that have washed up right by the edge of the water. There’s an intriguing amount of slime in a series of pools that’ve formed under the wooden dock, and she’s got a plastic bucket that was definitely intended for children and a vague plan to gather a bunch of slime to dump on the boys later. 

“I don’t want to put anything you haven’t cleaned with soap in my mouth.” Evie says, wrinkling her nose at the thought. “And that includes you, M. We really need to stay somewhere with a shower soon.” 

“Aww, you don’t love my natural scent?” Mal says brightly. She’s still got the dead jellyfish in one hand. It’s really fun to touch. Maybe if she can put some sort of preservation spell on it, they’ll be able to fit it somewhere in the truck. 

Evie takes a subtle step away from Mal’s jellyfish hand. “I love so many things about you, and the fact that you sweat more than most grown men I know is not one of them.” 

#my fic #descendants #descendants fic #I’m really not sure if Evie is someone who would Care about skincare but the thought of jellyfish face mask made me laugh so #sometimes a road trip is about multiple things #and I think for Evie one of those things is going to be giving up the illusion of control over things #because I was in fact the annoying one in high school who needed to be constantly running logistics for everyone else #and the freedom to let go and just say fuck it and hop in the car #has been extremely freeing #also trying to run heard on a convention and then a whole summer camp burnt me out ✌️✌️ #so maybe it’ll turn out that Evie actually loves and thrives on being in charge of other people #and her larger arc will be realizing that she wants to be a cruise director and boss other people around for a living #hmmm that feels much more appealing than giving her my anxieties about being In Charge Of Things #this verse is a collection of tiny pieces because I can’t decide on the larger arc yet lmao

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload? #me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃 #listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary. #like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

[motormouthedfool]

Dear people with hyperhidrosis: let's hold hands. Lets high five. I do not care if they're sweaty. Let's hug. Let's cuddle. I do not care if your armpits are swamps and smell bad. You can take off your shoes and socks even if your feet are very sweaty. I do not care. You deserve comfort too. People with hyperhidrosis I Love You.

#sweaty #excessive sweating #hyperhidrosis #i have struggled with excessive underarm sweating since i was 8 #and as someone who has social anxiety and autism. that shit DOES NOT help the social awkwardness. #i really wish this was talked about more. i and many others have grown up ashamed of our sweat even though its out of our control #and tips to help it #75% of all my old shirts are badly sweat stained because i didnt know how to manage my armpit sweat until like a year or two ago #i am here to let all my fellow sweaty people know. YOU ARE NOT GROSS!! IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE UNHYGIENIC!! #YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS AND COMFORT IN YOUR BODY!! AND YOU DESERVE TO HAVE PHYSICAL TOUCH!! #i really needed this kinda positivity when i was younger #so i would like to spread it now #maybe i should post tips on what ive found that helps me with my sweat #i do not have much issues with my hands and feet so unfortunately i do not have much advice but i will be here to listen n support n learn #positivity #i forgot to tag that

[itspileofgoodthings]

in the most concrete way yet I feel like I’m getting a handle on what my flaws and weaknesses actually are lol.

#self-absorption poor impulse control an addictive personality #fiercely independent/sensitive/proud past the point of reason #anyway it feels like a real breakthrough honestly #because I’ve always known that there was stuff wrong but only in a dim sense #and this is a slow-gathering clearer picture #because the problem is that flaws don’t feel like flaws at first (so obvious I know) #my impulse can feel like inspiration! a wave of emotion always feels good! I have a rich internal life there’s a lot to think about #with regards to myself #but actually those all can be such negative and hurtful traits. #also it kills my pride to know that the people who love me already know these Lol #because they’re the ones who have to live with them!! And who are affected by them! #anyway the self-absorption one especially. I feel like there’s been so much to work through and figure out this past year #that made me turn inward more #and some of it was necessary #but I’m so aware of how much I want to get out of that space. and truly be open to other people and experiences and the world #in a way that is not just filtered through my internal journey #anyway anyway (a final thought) the pattern of my 20’s has been either self-absorption or complete absorption into the one or two things #that I/my anxiety allowed into the space of my heart and mind #as a kind of counter to the teenage state which was just information pouring in from all sides #but I would like to be able to reopen some of those informational floodgates so to speak. and let stuff in in a real and balanced way #because I don’t think I’m going to drown or be swept away in it (I am so scared of losing my identity in a sea of information) #one of my root fears! but it’s like. No. Bones not made of glass etc. etc. so you can start to think about yourself less #you SHOULD #anyway thank you for listening. there have been some very good (self) revelations lately <3 #painful ones! but good

[steakout-05]

eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P

additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly

#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it #and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website #as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people- #-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were- #-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered #also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it #this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone- #-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious #i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :( #i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles #it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on- #-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help. #unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that- #-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also- #-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes- #-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything'' #and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think- #-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me'' #and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point #be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying #and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child. #be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo #if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows- #-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like #trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you #social anxiety #anxiety disorder #i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11- #-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me #anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y

[kingspuppet]

If there really is a new P5 spin-off (and it happens to have Goro in it) I apologize in advance for what I will become. I will not apologize for my inevitable excitement and anxiety, but I will say sorry that your feeds will know no peace. Because I will be screaming, crying, and bouncing off the walls. Your DMs might not even be safe should you decide to approach me.

You have all been warned. 💙

#; OOC || Bri ♟️ #; PSA || Calling Card ♟️ #//<<< This tag is very much deserved. #//But also I hate that I can't just be excited. My brain likes to think we're going into anxiety mode for some reason. #//I don't handle anticipation very well asdfghjklkjhghjkl And it always makes me feel crazy #//because it's exceedingly rare to see someone say they get the same way. It's usually talks of excitement and fears. But not anxiety. #//Does anyone else get like this or is it just me??? x.x #//I also can't contain myself when I get excited so as much as this is a rather jokey kind of post I am completely serious. #//It'll become my entire personality because I have no control. #//I will annoy everyone within the general vicinity about it if you let me because keeping it inside is not an option.

[theballadoflucygraybaird]

I hope my blood work comes back normal so I can be sent to a neurologist already

#dani.txt #I have to get blood work done tomorrow and I’m just hoping and praying that everything is normal #so that we can move on to the next thing already #and then maybe I’ll get sent to physical therapy and then maybe I’ll learn to control my anxiety enough to let me sleep

[leatherbookmark]

fascinated and enamoured by the discovery that art generally looks better if it's produced by confident, longer strokes rather than careful ones that make sure not to over(- or under)do anything. who knew

#shrimp thoughts #note: this is a personal post written from the perspective of someone who got briefly possessed by a spirit of an artist with Skillz #and ended up with a portrait that looks (!) like the person (!!) it's supposed to--well! portray! (!!!) #it was most definitely a fluke but i'm gazing at it adoringly a lot #a while ago yt recced me a short in which someone was like. psychoanalyzing sketch guidelines (starting to draw a head from a circle etc) #and said sth along the lines of ohhh a good confident and skilled artist draws a circle in one smooth motion while taking a while to get a #circle by repeatedly sketching it out betrays feelings of anxiety and lack of confidence--baby no it betrays the fact that i have shit #control over my hands. i can't get my handwriting to be 'evenly weighted' let ALONE a fucking circle. circles are hard my good guy!

[tittyinfinity]

you ever get so depressed that you just stare at a wall for 6 hours

#.bdo #nothing is entertaining #i keep opening tumblr then closing it bc I'm just mindlessly scrolling not paying attention #tried watching a show and got nothing out of it #it's all bc i can't stop thinking about whether or not D will call me today #and the hormones from my new birth control don't help #running out of pain medication doesn't help either #it just sucks bc any time I'm going thru something that's hurting me I feel like I just pressed a reset button on a lot of my progress #and I don't really wanna actually talk to someone about this bc I'll start bawling #on the bright side my mom gave me a hug today after she found me crying #that's not a usual thing she does she usually tells me to suck it up #I just wanna do stuff but I can't get myself to do anything it's hard to even get up and pee #anyway my mom is letting me drink her wine now that it's been 8 hours since I took my anxiety meds (did not help) #that at least got me to stop staring at the fuckin wall

[avinox]

Nothing like waking up to your father yelling at you to study. Again.

#this is what i feared #i legitimately can't study in the mornings—my brain just goes to ''i'm tired'' and I can't concentrate #the reason i decided to go to that woman's help centre was because i had an anxiety attack thinking what he just did would become the norm #there's months till the exam so imagine what months of him not letting me sleep would do #I'm just wired to be scared of him at this point. I'm always ready for him to react badly or control me #because I mean. this is him starting to be controlling again. checking-in on my room just to see if I'm studying #I can't relax for a moment or sleep—he decides when i get to do those things and for how long #and honestly it just makes me miserable #i AM trying to get this right and secure myself a position working indefinitely—literally so i can escape this situation #my father ruined my concentration and motivation and ability to study when i began my career #he wouldn't stop messaging me to study and threaten me what would happen if i didn't #I haven't been the same since #I'm so scared of losing what I've regained of this ability because of his obsession with me #i just want to pass and have a job #and leave this place for good

[thursdayg1rl]

killing myself in front of the houses of parliament to change their life tragectories forever. and then maybe they will consider trying to make life easier for people in abusive situations

#why is everything so hard to DO #just registered to vote idk if i did it right #bc i searched up my name in her emails bc my school said we need to stay on top of all of it this year #and saw one asking me to register to vote and it said reply by the 19th but obviously she didnt tell me so i might just not get to vote idk #and didnt want to sign up for a postal vote bc of course they have to post the application to you and then she would be like why are you #trying to vote who do you think you are youre not allowed to be a person outside of what i allow etc etc #so ig when the time comes itll have to be in person #and you need id for that #and of course i dont have a driving licence bc im not allowed to learn how to drive so WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO #at least i can access my passport but there could be people whose parents/spouses hide their documents.. #like dp you see what i mean . everythning is a trap #also im getting so much anxiety about not knowing how to drive #bc she'll never let me learn under her roof so wtf am i supposed to do like genuinely #ill just have to go about life not knowing this basic skill #at least my brother knows how to from pakistan so he can just do the tests #i dont even KNOW #theres just so many things like that which make my skin crawl #like the fact that my bank account is linked to her phone and this address so thats a level of control she has over me like for years #and this is my address for everything official basically #and i have no idea how id even start changing it when i do leave #think the only option left is to kms maybe then ill be free

[whatareyoudoingwithamaserati]

1:07 am courses officially start tomorrow I’m high on anxiety and my backpack has more yarn than books in it. Let’s Fucking Do This

#I need to establish myself as the disabled weirdo who will always have yarn on hand. it’s just my thing #I also have horror books and a saw shirt. whatever that says (autism) #I’m posting instead of going to sleep because I have ‘’incredibly severe anxiety’’ and also if I lie down I think my brain might implode i #in on itself. I don’t like insomnia and I don’t like new people or loud noises. you can see why this is an issue #just let me at the library and the technicians I’m going to pick their minds #I’ve spent too much time establishing a first day playlist that has both hermitgang and entrance of the gladiators on it (alongside various #metal and rock songs) in an attempt to both feel in control and keep myself down to earth. can’t be stressed when clown music #cats.txt