#i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree

[mainfaggot]

another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies

#i almost had an argument w my mother over nothing at one point bc i was so anxious about nothing and everything at once and well #i keep thinking. idk what im doing anything for anymore #like when we were arguing i was like wait what if she brings up how shes giving me a ride to uni multiple times this week #and then i was like wait if she says that. I'll just tell her not to. and then ill skip class. and then ill drop my classes and get a refund #and then ill drop out of uni. and then ill kill myself! #mind you i was thinking about all of this and the argument didnt even go in that direction in the end bc it was over very quickly #ljke. what ks wrong with me #i keep thinking that if my parents get pissed at me for being good for nothing despite me trying my hardest not to be #i really will end it all finally like Actually #bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition #theyre too nice to me #i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree #and i know they expect that I'll take care of them when theyre old bc in their ideal. imagined. scenario. i 1) dont off myself in the next #few years 2) am not a lesbian who ruins the whole family dynamic by coming out and 3) get a well paying job and a husband #so. so yeah #but right NOW theyre nice to me and they take care of me but also i think everything is pointless but i try anyway because they take care #of me and they want me to be well but how am i supposed to be Get Well if i don't believe in myself #like i dont think thats possible really. #maybe a tiny bit? like maybe i won't be Well but i can be better. yeah i can do that #so i guess thats why im still trying #but then it's like. being Better is so. marginally different from being at rock bottom in a way #like yeah its significant improvement clinically but to me it's still casually miserable in its own unique way bc it's better but its still #very much present lingering choking me etc #so that brings me to the following: #im trying so hard but for what exactly? 'just keep going!' but at what cost? but why when im still like this? #z.post

[fangsforhire]

ROMANCE HEADCANONS, repost, don't reblog!

name ;;   ‘ Lucien Michael Morningstar. Yeah, a mouthful.’ nickname ;;  ' Ugh -- Most commonly used? Lucy. Kitten.’ gender ;;  ' Male. ‘ romantic orientation ;;  ' Gay! ‘ preferred pet names ;; ‘ Oh honey, I’m the most unbearable pet name giver known to man. Or are you speaking about the ones I prefer to be called? I suppose I can tolerate most of them, just nothing like snookems and that shit, and we’re good.’ relationship status ;;   ‘ Mind your own business. ‘ ( Verse dependent. ) opinion on true love ;;  ‘ Man, it’s fucked. Alright? Being in love messes you up so bad, it makes you question everything you believed in. It sends your entire world upside down and worse? It’s wonderful. When it’s good, it’s mind blowing and when shit hits the fan -- yeah that’s when it’s a kick in the teeth, huh? Love has the power to build, and destroy. It’s incredibly powerful, and I used to scoff at it. More fool me.’ opinion on love at first site ;;  ‘ Do you think this is a romance novel? The fuck? It doesn’t exist. Sure you can snap your eyes on someone and think, I wanna bang them, or imagine yourself in some twisted fantasy where reality doesn’t exist, but it isn’t practical or natural. Love takes time and effort. Infatuation isn’t love. Lust isn’t love. Don’t believe what you read in books or see in movies, kids. That’s just cheesy shit to keep people going ‘aww’ - a way to rake in the cash and hell it works. Fair play.’ how romantic are they? ;; ‘ I can wine ‘n dine, if that’s what you mean? All depends.’ ideal physical traits ;; ‘ I’m assuming you mean physical features? I don’t really care, as long as they’re not ugly as sin. Then again beauty is in the eye of the beholder, no?’  ideal personality traits ;;   ‘ Oh boy…. Well confidence is a huge turn on for me. I don’t like the meek and weak, so… someone with that. Someone who can dominate the room and make heads turn, I like a challenge, in the bedroom and out. I like people who answer back, and give me a run for my money, I guess.’ unattractive physical traits ;;  ‘ Dunno. I either like you or I don’t, simples.’ unattractive personality traits ;;  ‘ Complete and utter do-gooders. People who kiss arse. People who are all talk, you know? All bark and no bite. Christ. What’s the point? ‘ ideal date ;; ‘ Meeting and going to some restaurant or other, or an art gallery and then afterwards, having sex under the stars… Hey - are you taking notes?’ do they have a type? ;; ‘ Yes. Obviously. Doesn’t everyone? Ugh do I have to say it? Fiiiine. Men who can put me on my knees. Go big or go home.’  average relationship length ;; ‘ Depends, you’re asking me questions and giving me absolutely no context or scenario. It has varied. My longest has been years, my shortest, a few months. ‘ preferred nonsexual intimacy ;;  ‘ I assume you’re expecting me to say cuddling? Fuck that. I ain't a teddy bear. Nah, I enjoy sparring, laughing and drinking my partner under the table. I also like having showers and baths with ‘em, but… that usually leads into another department, so.’ commitment level ;; ‘ Again. I’ve been known to commit, but it’s rare for me to do so. Most of the time when I come attached, I take that as a warning sign and get as far away as possible. It takes a lot to make me stay. What can I say? I’m a free spirit.’ opinion of public affection ;;   ‘ PDA? Absolutely not. Not that I care about making other people uncomfortable, don’t get me wrong, but there’s a time and a place for that kind of crap.’ past relationships ;; ' I reserve the right not to answer this question, capeesh?’

#ℒ | And I tried to hold these secrets inside me. ( Headcanon. ) #{ He's now needing a drink & growling at me so you're all welcome ;; }

[dreaminpetals]

hope this isn't too specific but if possible can you do ronald of ness norton sfw/nsfw hcs? ♥︎

🎩 ronald of ness ー sfw & nsfw hcs

SFW ;;

♡ going off the atropos ropes event, ronald of ness has the personality of a commoner but lives his life disguised as a snobby noble. he hates how high and mighty nobles act and only makes pleasantries with those fools for the money and connections.

♡ from the way he holds his teacups to his posh vocabulary, everyone would assume he was a noble born and bred. yet when ronald is alone he's like a mole who lives in the dirt. all about vulgar speech and being unkempt; feral.

♡ he values wealth and status above all, likely because he grew up poor. so he's going to want to spend his life with someone from a good family that has their pockets lined with gold.

♡ his ideal s/o is a noble who doesn't act like a noble, so he has little to no experience in romance. nobody meets his extraordinary standards for a lover. he isn't one for flings and flirty interactions with strangers, he wants to settle down with someone who accepts him for who he is and can give him a comfortable life. he views his inner circle as shallow snobs who aren't worth his time so i doubt he'd be interested in dating someone from there.

♡ he's a hopeless romantic until he meets you.

♡ his first time meeting you was during one of his performances and you nearly stole the breath from his lungs as he belted out his lines.

♡ he's all about appearances. spotting you in the front row lead to him falling for you on the spot. your shimmering jewellery combined with your formal attire and extravagant hair had this man imagining a married life with you before you spoke your first words together.

♡ as if your looks weren't enough, he saw you guide a lost child back to their parents and didn't let them pay you when you returned their kid. you didn't care about the money, just the safety of others. he likes a selfless person to compliment how greedy he can be sometimes.

♡ ronald is a smooth talker. once the curtains fall he'll kiss your hand as you're gathering your bags and invite you backstage, eager to show you all the trophies that line the shelves of his dressing room. if you listen to him boast about his accomplishments then he'll never let you go.

♡ he finds you as radiant as the sun, you're a noble who's bent on supporting others financially but doesn't brag about it. it's just second nature to you. you handed him a tip worth a couple thousand dollars because of how enjoyable his performance was, which he used to reserve an elegant dinner date for you two.

♡ he feels so stiff around you at first because he fell in love with you before getting to know you. on your first date however, he learns about how you grew up poor just like him and sees you're more similar than he initially thought.

♡ although you know table manners, the way you eat in front of ronald is the same way you'd eat while having dinner at home. every laidback ministration of yours goes straight to his ice cold heart, the glaciers melting as he falls for you harder and harder.

♡ as a boyfriend, ronald of ness is... extreme. he burns thousands of dollars on you everyday. he never simmers down about how you're his entire world, he kisses you with vigor every time you enter or exit a room he's in. he's an arrogant romantic who's constantly spoiling you.

♡ he'll buy you the entire galaxy if you ask. lavish jewellery, a swim with dolphins, a yacht, backstage tickets to all of his shows. anything you wish for, he's delivering it wrapped in gold ribbons.

♡ the house you live together in? that's a castle.

♡ the bed he bought you was made for affectionate nights. his idea of a perfect cuddling session is you reading separate books snuggled up to one another. dozens of pillows and warm blankets keep you company when ronald is away, his scent still lingering on the fabric.

♡ ronald is a storyteller, so he'd love to read to you as you snuggle. he can do super convincing accents that always draw out giggles from you.

♡ he can be a bit hotheaded and jump to conclusions. if you aren't thrilled about a gift he buys you, he might take it personally and it'll wound his pride. if you're unhappy with one aspect of him the walls come tumbling down and he thinks you won't love him anymore.

♡ words of reaffirmation are how you can most effectively communicate your love to him. praise him and be there for him when he has episodes of extreme rage or sorrow.

♡ act casual with him. he'll know you love him if you plop your feet up on a nearby table or burp or something. hearing you make risqué jokes or swear when you stub your toe grounds him in reality.

♡ he doesn't like enclosed spaces or indoor areas much (ronald was never a miner so there's no accident, but norton's claustrophobia does carry over to all his skins.. a universal constant) so his favourite dates are exotic beaches or sprawling fields of flowers. he'll take you to a five star resort and give a toast to your eternal love as you clink your glasses together.

NSFW ;;

♡ this man is the most reckless spender to ever exist, so he's probably blown thousands on love hotel rooms, toys, and lingerie for both of you.

♡ he wants to be praised. no, needs to be praised. as an actor, ronald of ness' ego is maintained by critics worshipping him and his fans obsessing over his every move. when he isn't being showered in compliments his insecurities kick in and he starts to feel washed up, so he's developed quite the praise kink.

♡ tell him he's the sexiest man you've ever laid eyes on, that he makes you horny, and that nobody can fuck you like he can. every word you sing goes straight to his dick, especially since he knows you're being sincere and aren't acting.

♡ if you tell him that you've masturbated to one his performances before, his cock would ache from how badly he needed you. the idea of his love watching him perform and needing to touch themselves to his work drives him absolutely mad with lust. it doesn't just turn him on, it makes him feel a bit soft that you enjoy his acting and watch it in your free time too.

♡ he'll take you backstage in his dressing room every time you watch him perform. after a successful performance, there's no better way to reward him than deepthroating him in front of his vanity.

♡ huge voyeurism kink!!! let him jerk off for you. please. he does such a good job of exaggerating his moans and bucking his dripping cock into his hand, his hips shaking below him as he strokes himself. when he feels your eyes burning into his skin he couldn't stifle his whimpers even if he wanted to.

♡ loves being the center of attention. when he gives you oral, he demands for you to look at him as his nails dig into your thighs and his tongue licks you to euphoria. say his name if you want to feel him gasp with you in his mouth, he loves hearing his name drip from your lips like honey.

♡ he has a heavy oral fixation in general. when you're sucking his dick it feels like the spotlight is on him and he eats it up, not even trying to muffle his moans and grunts. the most vocal partner you could ask for, he can't help but hang his head back and let loose as you work your magic on him.

♡ swears like a sailor. the string of curses that you pull from ronald in his husky voice never fail to send you into a daze. if only the cameramen and supporting actors could see just how vulgar ronald is when he comes undone! they would chalk it up to a stunt double. "fuck, you take me so fucking well," being hissed into his lover's ear is the last thing they'd expect to hear from him.

♡ such a heavy breather. the way his chest rises and falls erratically with every pant makes waves of electricity pool in your lower stomach. when he tries to hiss out your name but can't catch his breath because he's so overwhelmed... goosebumps.

♡ ronald can afford to make a mess. literally. he's willing to break furniture as he rams into you, it's happened before. he can be very, uh, passionate.

♡ expect lots of roleplaying scenarios from him. ronald has starred in plenty of romantic productions, and he'd be lying if he wasn't turned on by some of the scenes he's filmed. two detectives getting dirty on a desk? you've done that. two soulmates reuniting on the train and not being able to wait to make love? yep, that too. he wants to share his wildest fantasies with you, and is open to trying anything you want.

♡ comment on how you like certain outfits or professions and when you come home after a long day you'll receive a surprise. ronald will be dressed in a uniform you fawned over, acting perfectly in character and ready to please you for the rest of the night.

♡ he'll take on any role you like, whether it's a bottom or a top. just ask. ronald leans towards a top but if you want to penetrate him or take the reins, he's excited to sit back and let you claim him.

♡ loves sex the morning after too. when you wake up with a bedhead and your skin is covered with nothing but blankets. he'd love to have a super tender session in the morning when you're both at your most vulnerable. the smiles he leaves on your skin whenever you yawn or stretch are contagious.

♡ ronald can thrive with elaborate, planned sex or just you two kissing in bed and things escalating from there. he loves the tenderness, and he loves having a muse to reenact his dreams and fantasies with.

#norton campbell smut #norton campbell x reader #idv x reader #norton campbell

[howggswouldreact]

💻 Co-workers | Jiu

Request: hi can i request a dreamcatcher jiu scenario where she is stuck with her co worker (also her long time crush) in an elevator for hours.

Plot: Reader and (a very shy) Jiu have been colleague workers for almost 3 years. Reader, the one Jiu has a big crush on, decides to make her company because she was overtime working alone. But when they are leaving the building, the elevator suddenly stops.

Words: 3,471

Genre: fluff, alternative universe

Notes: I had so much fun writing this one... i hope you enjoy it as much as i did.

It was after 8PM when you started turning off the computer. You were tired, it was a Friday night and you probably just wanted to go back to your apartment and lie in your bed to get the rest you deserved; the week had been very busy.

Minji was watching you sideways as you pressed the button on the monitor. She had gotten good at it, watching you without being noticed. She could put the credit for that luck on her desk, which was attached to yours. But she rarely saw your face from the front, only in profile. And it was the best view she had ever seen.

Almost 3 years ago, you were the new hired. Before you, there was only one quiet old man who ended up retiring. The change was so sudden and Minji felt it deep in her heart, as soon as you passed through the glass door of the company. Whatever it was, she wouldn't call it love. A slight crush, perhaps.

“A crush doesn't last three years, Minji. Three. Years.”, said Bora, her best friend, every time Minji commented about you without being asked.

Bora didn't care if Minji talked about you for three years. It was cute. She only got irritated because Minji didn't even have an attitude. But what could she do? Just receiving your gaze every time you arrived in the morning made her body heat up as if it was burning up. And when you hummed a song while typing on your computer, she smiled involuntarily.

Of course she had already started conversations with you. They all revolved around the weekend, your pets, "I'm going to drink water, do you want me to get it for you, Y/N?" and learned the exact temperature that you liked to drink it. She liked to hear your voice when offering her snacks or even complaining about another employee who did not know how to communicate and just shouted at you when called you. Minji didn't know how there were people in the world who could be rude to you.

When you got up from your chair and wished her a good night, Minji said the same thing back. She looked around quickly and realized that she would be alone at the establishment because she would work overtime. She had no plans for this Friday and would rather go home and sleep than pretend to be paying attention to something on TV.

"Hey, aren't you coming too?"

With a slight surprise, Minji’s eyes looked up at you from behind round lenses, you were about two meters away, holding your bag in one hand. Damn, Minji thought, how beautiful she looks today.

"I'll stay a little longer. Just until I clean my email. There isn't much missing.”, she replied, smiling.

"Do you want me to stay and keep you company?", you asked.

A brief silence followed and Minji was sure that her mouth went dry and her lungs stopped working. Her heartbeats stumbled a lot until she finally answered.

"It would be great to have your company."

It was always great to have your company.

In almost three years together, working together, Minji never had the courage to ask you to lunch with her. She thought she would ruin everything, drop your drink, forget the money at home and you would have to pay for her meal, every kind of nightmare you can imagine. Even though that you would think she was just a good co-worker. Terrible.

What Minji really wanted to do was take you on a date, but she never felt brave enough to do that. And she only knew that you didn't date because you had made it clear once, in a conversation at the company's holiday party, that everyone was a little bit not sober, that you would only be with someone you liked very much.

You sat down again in your place.

"Do you want some help?"

"No, no. I'm just finishing deleting a few emails. It won't take long. ”

"Do you want me to get you a cup of water?"

Minji's brown eyes met yours. She wanted you so much to know her feelings for you...

"Yes, please."

You came back with two glasses, one for you and one for her. As Minji alternated between drinking water and deleting unnecessary emails, analyzing in a somewhat thorough way whether she could really delete them, you started talking.

"Minji, did you ever feel like something was preventing you from acting?"

The mouse clicks stopped but Minji decided to make false movements while thinking of an answer for you. Of course she felt it, she was feeling it right now because all she wanted to do was pull you and kiss you.

"Yes, all the time."

"Lately I feel that what holds me is myself and I don't know how to act," you confessed, a sadly tone in your voice.

Minji's heart sank. You never opened up about personal things, maybe being alone for the first time made it possible. And it showed that you had a certain confidence in her, which encouraged her to continue the matter.

“I know how it feels. It’s like one of those dreams in which you run and run but you just stay in the same place.”, she turned her face to you and you could see the sincerity through that transparent lens of her glasses.

Minji always had that feeling. She was always embarrassed to speak in public, at work she spoke only what was necessary and never talked much with her co-workers. In reality, before you, she never talked to anyone anything beyond the essential. Still, she was invited to happy hour’s and parties. The people there were very fond of her company, even though it was a very quiet one.

"Exactly."

Minji was about to finish cleaning up her spam box, but she didn't want to leave. She wanted to keep talking to you for longer, to hear your voice for longer, to see your face for longer... But eventually, you should go home.

"I think it's up to us to let go of what keeps us from following, isn’t it, Minji?", chin resting on one of your hands, waiting for her answer.

Minji loved how her name sounded on your mouth. She nodded.

"You're quite shy, aren't you?", you asked, making Minji's cheeks flush.

"Yeah...", she replied. "This is what holds me back, my shyness."

Minji slowly started to turn off the computer. Who was she trying to deceive? Would she be pretending to delete emails for how long? 3 hours? Would she keep you with her for so long just because she loved your company? No, she wouldn't do that. What if you had an appointment? It was time to go.

"I have finished. We can go now.”, she commented, getting up and placing her backpack on her shoulder.

Minji, who had the door key, went right behind you. You pressed the time-card. She turned off all the lights and locked the door. When she reached you in the hall, putting the key in her backpack’s pocket, the elevator button was already on. The silence was cut only by the noise of it going up the floors to you.

"It’s so scary in here at night, how can you do so much overtime?", you asked and the elevator doors opened.

"I do this more to kill time.", Minji replied, entering right behind you.

The metal doors closed and the elevator began its descent from the eighth floor to the ground floor. There were probably only you and the security guards in the building now, no one else. It was the end of some important soccer game and everyone was at home or in bars waiting for the match. Minji looked at the watch on her wrist, it was half pass 9PM.

"But you were working overtime too, weren't you?", she asked to break the silence.

"Ah, I..." you would reply but a great squeak was present.

The elevator lights started to flash and it stopped suddenly, causing you to lose your balance and almost fall to the floor. The doors were still closed and you were probably somewhere between the third and second floors. Minji, leaning against the metal wall, looked at you, startled.

"Are you claustrophobic?", she asked, concerned.

“No, I'm just scared. It never happened to me”, you said, a little breathlessly.

Minji pressed the button for the ground floor again in the hope that the elevator would return to its trajectory, but nothing happened. The lights were back to normal, they didn't flash anymore, the buttons were all normal but the elevator didn't want to work. She tried the emergency button.

Nothing happened.

"My cell phone has no signal, as expected.", you said, holding the device in one hand, reaching for the ceiling of the elevator. "What the hell!"

Yes, Minji wanted to spend more time with you, it was a fact, but she didn't expect for you both to be stuck in an elevator. There was nothing romantic about it. It was desperate and could even generate trauma! She took a deep breath and tried to see if her cell phone worked, tried to send messages to Bora and Siyeon, but the messages weren't even being sent. Calls did not complete. Minji and you were trying to do the most diverse types of communication, even tried the company's wifi, but it didn't reach that floor.

After more than 20 minutes of trying, you gave up.

"Okay," you said, sitting on the floor and placing your bag beside you as an armrest. "I think we can survive this."

"We can.", Minji replied with a beautiful smile and sat down beside you. "I think we will only be saved when the soccer match is over."

You faced each other again. Despite the desperate situation, you burst out laughing. A breathless laugh that made your belly and cheeks hurt. Minji held back the urge to say how beautiful you were.

You have recovered your breath and the silence has fallen on you. Despite many silences, they were never uncomfortable silences; you had silences that were like a polite wait for the other to start talking. Minji was too shy to begin it and you thought it would be invasive if you did. But, given the current circumstances, the ideal would be to have at least a little conversation, otherwise you both would go crazy.

"Since we're here, how about we get to know each other better?", you suggested, turning to Minji.

"You can ask what you want to know.", she adjusted the glasses on her face and smiled slightly.

“We can play a game.”, you were excited about your own idea. “For example... what 3 things would you take to a desert island? Remembering that ‘boat’ is not an answer. ”

"Ahm...", Minji started to think while feeling your gaze on her face. “A book, perhaps. A penknife? And... I don't know... A manual on how to make a boat on a desert island.”, she concluded, triumphant.

"Hey, this is also not allowed!", you were outraged by the answer but you couldn't help but laugh.

“You didn't specify anything about the rules and now I can make a boat to get off the island. But what about you? What would you take to a desert island? ”

"A book. Chocolate. Someone special to keep me company. ”

"You didn't say I could take people!"

"I also didn't say that you couldn't.", you laughed. "But we would probably go crazy and end up devouring each other, or fight to death."

"You’re watching a lot of movies about desert islands," she joked.

"My favorite hobby."

Minji turned to you, you were now face to face. In 90% of working hours, Minji could only observe you (discreetly, of course) in your profile. The other 10% of seeing your face was from the front, and it was when you arrived or left, or even when you turned to get the glass of water offered by her. That 10% was always a great time for her because your eyes seemed to see her beyond what she was.

"What would you take to an elevator between the third and second floors?", you asked her, in a playful tone.

"I have everything I need right here.", Minji replied.

A slight tension settled between you both and Minji realized that the phrase had been said in a very unthinkable way so she started to stumble over her own words trying to fix what she had said.

"N-no, I mean, I mean.", she pushed the glasses up again. "I didn't mean ... I mean, I mean...", she was cold sweating and you had a slight smile on your lips. "I meant that I have everything I need here, in my backpack." picked up the backpack. "Look, I have toothpaste, water, umbrella, candy, salad, ahm..."

You were finding it adorable the way she messed up trying to correct what she said. But you wouldn't forget that phrase or the tone used in it.

"Salad?" you asked, trying to make her relax a little.

"Yes, it's just that sometimes I like to stop in the park to eat while I watch the sky.", Minji still blinked faster than usual, the heartbeats still fast.

"This is so cute."

Minji's face flushed to her hair. She caught the air in her lungs and looked away from you to where the metal walls were in the right corner of the elevator. Why did she have to be so sensitive to you? Why did you have to have such a good voice to hear and this charming way of speaking? Why did your eyes have to look at her so deeply, seeing Minji as Minji, not like the shy co-worker?

This elevator is driving me crazy, Minji thought.

"And you, what would you take to a broken elevator?”, she asked after clearing her throat.

"I don't think I need anything else." you answered.

Minji could easily be mistaken for a statue. Were you flirting with her? Was it really possible that you, the person her mind had been thinking about for almost 3 years in a row, were flirting with her?

"We have your backpack, right?", you added, making Minji move again.

"Yes, everything we need is here." still confused if it had been a flirt.

Time passed by and you continued to talk. The soccer match should still be going on and you were already starting to eat one of the snacks that were in Minji's so complete backpack. You talked about the restaurants you went to, your favorite movies and series, the first concerts you saw in your life, the oldest memories you had of yourself, favorite colors, etc. You learned personal things about each other in an elevator, everything you didn’t learn during these 3 years working together, being next to each other every single day. And Minji was sure that if the security camera was recording everything, it would be possible to see the heart shapes in her eyes while she admired you talking.

“Minji...”

“Yes?”

You were lying next to each other, staring at the lights protected by fences on the ceiling of the elevator. Minji knew it was worth it to stay there, stuck with you. If it was anyone else, she would have already found a way out. But with you, the elevator could even be a pleasant place.

"If you were to stay in this elevator forever, would you be happy to be with me?”

Minji noticed your movement beside her, the eyes looking straight to her face, she swallowed a little bit. She couldn't lie to you, but that question was so... different from all the others. Swallowing again and taking a deep breath, Minji turned her face to yours.

"I'm happy to be you and not anyone else," she finally replied.

All the sincerity in one sentence and whispered in an elevator, your face so close to hers that she could make your foreheads touch if she wanted to. In fact, she did want to. She just couldn't. She remembered Bora's words. 3 years. This is more than just a simple crush.

Using the words of her best friend as a source of strength for what would happen next, Minji turned completely towards you and it seemed that all shyness had managed to get down to the ground floor, leaving only Minji, flesh and blood, to deliver her heart to you.

“I am happy because ... when you push the glass doors, it looks like the Sun itself walking and sitting next to me. When you smile, wishing me a good morning, it's like you're recharging my batteries. Your eyes shine and have so much curiosity, a good curiosity, a desire to know, that delights me.” she felt that her eyes were starting to cry but she wouldn’t stop now, not when she finally had the courage to release all that was overflowing in her heart. "You are beautiful. And you can get more and more beautiful every moment, even when you are stressed when talking to a employee or when you are tired. I've been in love with you since I met you and I never got the courage to even take you to lunch with me. And now we’re here, stuck in an elevator and I’m talking nonstop, which I’ve never done before. But I like you. I really do.”

Minji sat and removed her glasses to clean the lenses that had fogged up. She didn't want to see you now. Who knows what kind of expression would be on your face. Disgust? Indifference? She didn't know which one would be worse to see. But the silence was also suffocating her. I should have been quiet, she thought. I should have let shyness stay and control my tongue for the rest of my life.

"Minji, I..."

With a loud creak, the elevator descended again. Caught off guard and not believing what was happening, when the doors opened on the ground floor you were still sitting.

It looked like nothing had happened. The building's entrance was empty. The elevator voice was working, normally. Was it a prank? Were you on a television program?

Minji got up quickly, picked up her backpack and put the glasses on her face again. She held the door for you to go through but still didn't have the courage to look at your face.

"Minji.", you called again.

“Look, Y/N, I know you don't have the same feelings for me and it's really fine. If you feel disgusted or uncomfortable, I will even ask the boss to change places, I would never want to have- ”

"Minji!", your voice came out in a half scream, drawing her attention to your face, finally. “The things you said... were beautiful. Nobody ever said anything like that to me.”

Minji was holding the backpack strap tightly. She licked her lips and tried to calm her heart that kept churning in her chest and would soon jump out, screaming for your name. Her hands were sweating.

"Do you know why I stayed until later?", you asked Minji, who shook her head. "Just to be with you."

If it was able to see what was going on in Minji's body, you would see complete euphoria. It was an ecstasy of you, a dose so powerful for her that it would make her climb the walls and even fly. The light laugh that came from her lips and the sigh of relief made you smile back.

"I thought you were going to stop talking to me or something," she confessed.

"I would never do that. Really. But, since we went through a very stressful time... diner is on me, okay?”

"Is this a..." nervously, Minji couldn't finish the sentence.

"A date. Post hijacking of crazy elevator. So, what do you say? ”

With a smile from ear to ear, Minji and you headed towards your favorite restaurant that was not far from there. On the way, you held Minji's hand, which made her heart melt even more for you.

Distracted, Minji wouldn't notice that the messages on her phone would be sent and that Siyeon and Bora were super worried about her. They called her cell phone but would never be answered as it was in silent mode and Minji was too busy on a fun date with you. The security guards would have a little trouble, they would get a good scolding from the boss and only later would they realize that two young girls got stuck in the elevator.

And you, unaware of everything around you, started to make everything that you always wanted during those 3 years happen in one night.

#dreamcatcher scenarios #dreamcatcher reactions #jiu scenarios #jiu reactions #kpop scenarios

[thejiaqiverse-planniverse]

3. The wild-card prediction (HAPPY\BAD ENDING)

Analysis source material: 20% | My own imagination: 80%

Check these approaches out too if you’d like: approach 1 | approach 2

Ok ok, let’s all take a deep breath after surfacing from the deep dive of approach 2 shall we? Be relieved because we are NOT diving back down there again!!! YAY!!! This approach is also a villain perspective approach, so what exactly were King Dice and the Devil up to in this version of the story? And how will this tie to the Cuphead DLC or more?

The conclusion is: in reality it makes not much sense for the Devil and King Dice to end up in a fight for life or death. To expand, they could even be a true “power couple”.

From King Dice’s POV, it seemed all he stood for was literally loyalty to his boss and his job. Although he would portray himself as someone so powerful that no one was allowed to “mess with”, never once did he isolate himself from or place himself above the Devil. Needless to say there was no sign of King Dice being defiant here, certainly nothing for the Devil to be paranoid of!

Now from the Devil’s POV, it only makes sense that he would from the very beginning let someone not just capable, but also he’d trust completely run any of his major establishments, share access to the earnings and be his right hand man (if King Dice did not exaggerate his role in his song). A trusted employee or partner can take care of the Devil’s weak spots and save him tons of time, and they’d unquestioningly have his back whenever he was weak and in need of help (no bribe or manipulation needed). King Dice in fact was this ideal loyal and powerful candidate. Let’s bring up the soul contracts again! Both their names were on there, I mean, King Dice must be very trusted right? (Thinking again, why would the Devil agree to let King Dice know of or put his name on something with such power if he wasn’t trusted to begin with? To give him very good arsenal to defend himself or perhaps fight the Devil off?) this quite solidly disproves the theory that the Devil plotted so carefully to cut off then end King Dice.

Besides, if we toss away the reasons listed under both of their perspectives and even more, which means, somehow the Devil did end up following the long six-step plan in approach 2, shouldn’t this plan in reality be no longer necessary if the first step is to work together and build a stable, intimate, trustful, and mutually beneficial relationship?

King Dice and the Devil made a great team too, they probably had the same interests in mind; we can see from the start of Cuphead: Don’t Deal with the Devil, they flawlessly joined efforts to lure Cuphead and Mugman into their trap;

King Dice set up the risky scenario and the Devil came in at the end to seal the deal. From the looks of it they’ve likely done this a lot before: they’ve probably joined forces to trick other Inkwell residents into signing soul contracts or doing something else too.

From looking at the DLC trailers we learn that Inkwell is not just limited to isles 1 to 4, which means there’s more space for our protagonists to explore and vice versa, more areas King Dice and the Devil would like to claim or maintain in the future. For this purpose King Dice and the Devil’s masterplans will be directed toward the outside world rather than each other.

With that in mind, all the cutscenes and in game information will be here looked at in a completely different way than in approach 2.

Plus I’ve been thinking of the HAPPY ENDING, the cups easily freed everybody just by throwing soul contracts into the hell fire? I mean, it just appears the Devil was too careless, losing a large sum of his resources gathered throughout years of work in a blink, poor guy—mindlessly putting hard earned stuff at high risk, thinking he’d manage to keep everything under control all the time—he lost oh so badly!

Now we almost covered where this wild-card theory stems from, we need to bring up the soul contracts yet again! This time however we bring the BAD & HAPPY ENDING of Cuphead: Don’t Deal with the Devil along with these contracts to explore the possible true nature and purpose of these papers.

Here’s where my wild guesses kicks in. Keep in mind there’s little evidence for or against these guesses that I’ve known of.

Why didn’t the Devil himself pay these debtors a little visit and get the contracts right from the start? Is he that incapable? How would him agreeing to send someone like the cups out for the job make sense in another way? Well, let me resume a familiar writing structure here shall we: the Devil and King Dice’s five-step plan to train some good fighters for their use in the future.

Step one (we can say it’s slightly “evident” in the game?), get as many people to sign away their souls as possible, once they signed their soul contracts immediately have everyone working at the casino pounce on them to take their souls. Once the debtors realized that they were losing their souls for what they wished for they’ll be fighting for their lives. They would either win and flee with their contract, or lose and perhaps be transformed into one of these purple minion demons.

Step two, note down the escaped debtors and start the game! Now the Devil and King Dice would send sometimes some random run-and-gunners or sometimes their own employees to “retrieve the contracts”. Cue the death battles! Only the fittest would survive these battles, with all this going on, whoever survived would live in fear thus try to grow their powers further to avoid their souls being collected as long as possible. This is exactly what the Devil and King Dice would like to see!

Step three, the tricky multiple-possibilities step. At this point the debtors whom lost will already be in the Devil’s possession; with their contracts still existing, the Devil could either go and claim the remaining debtors as soon as he saw them as being ready or keep going with the death battles for training purposes. However, the innocent good fighters Cuphead and Mugman became the game changers. What the Devil expected was probably them bringing back some or all of the soul contracts they were tasked to retrieve. He would then send King Dice in their way to raid all the contracts out of their hands, now Cuphead and Mugman would have no choice but to give their souls up and become his minions. He did not see King Dice failing to defeat these two! Mission: “making the cups feel good about themselves winning all this time” would then be a go, as the last resort to try and get them to join the Devil’s club. Well all would be fine if the cups gave in and joined the Devil after that (BAD ENDING)! In the worst case scenario for both King Dice and the Devil, they not only beat both of them but also destroyed all the contracts (HAPPY ENDING)! No! The plan to train fighters and force them to serve the Devil in the future blew apart completely!! Or did it?

Step four, carrying on or temporary retreat. If the cups joined the Devil (BAD ENDING) and the Devil had all the contracts, he would carry on, sealing new contracts, collecting the fallen and/or souls deemed ready to do his bidding and preparing for the next round of death battles, just casually repeating steps one and two. And now the plan B if the soul contracts were no more (HAPPY ENDING), which consisted of King Dice and the Devil slowing the casino business and the Devil moving/hiding away with their money they still had to heal and rehabilitate.

Step five, finally putting their collection of trained fighters to use! So now here are the two main ways of doing so: the regular way according to plan and then the plan B way. When would they need these trained fighters? Remember when I mentioned there might be more areas than Inkwell isles 1 to 4? King Dice and the Devil could have planned to concur these new areas, or maybe others whom were formerly friendly with them/formerly not a threat would try to attack them whenever they were weakened. Therefore King Dice and the Devil would need troops. If all goes as planned (BAD ENDING and similar), with their money plus army of good fighters, they would win and then possibly gain power over new areas. Repeating steps one and two again, King Dice would continue to get them money or something, meanwhile the Devil could grow his power and when someone else dared to fight them again, he’d be ready. However, if the cups had destroyed the contracts they brought back (HAPPY ENDING, the cups burning the soul contracts had loosened the Devil’s grip on the debtors completely), what could the Devil do then? Well, the Devil already owned a sizable army of fighters by then, he could just admit defeat then go on to defend themselves\invade other areas like nothing happened after his recovery; but, what if the Devil felt his current army was not enough, he could really use King Dice’s help for this one. See the next few paragraphs.

Marvel at how deep King Dice and the Devil’s plan went—calling King Dice his “good-for-nothing lackey” was probably just the right thing to do after they’d discussed about it. Being all beaten, King Dice and the Devil would split up—the Devil would go into hiding. Quite the opposite, King Dice would openly portray this loyal, betrayed, and now heartbroken man with nowhere else to go as the Devil “abused his trust”, “never valued or respected him”, had “been disappointed with his defeat” and “officially chased him out”. Cuphead and Mugman being his witnesses would confirm the Devil’s “ill treatment” of King Dice they’d seen, unknowingly aiding King Dice and the Devil’s plan. With all the sympathy he’d get, King Dice, during his recovery from the fight with the cups could maybe get a ordinary job and new home within Inkwell isles 1 to 3 to patiently wait for an opportunity—catching the eye of their target group or individual, interested in not only his skills of earning/scamming away money, but also his experience of working alongside the Devil.

So who would be interested in that way? Someone or groups like the snow monsters. They could be the Devil’s relatives, minions or simply someone competing with the Devil, wishing to grow their own reign, and perhaps already seeing this as an ideal opportunity to get rid of the Devil when he was weak and take the resources he had. King Dice would join them when he was asked to, maybe he’d also fake reminiscent a bit saying how he thought he was so close to and so trusted by the Devil as he had an important role next to him, learnt so much about him, etc. King Dice would possibly even hire new people and reemploy his gang to assist him, too. Thrilled they now had King Dice on their side, they would listen to him when he convinced them to get the Devil’s big loot—firstly looking all around Inkwell isles 1 to 4 to find the Devil, as the last King Dice knew, he was still in bad shape and in hiding somewhere there.

Greed driven and/or eager to win, these new monsters would tear apart the town convinced they’d find evidence of the Devil’s location. When they still didn’t find the Devil they would terrorize the residents for clues. With their now supposed-to-be peaceful lives severely disturbed, the isle 1 to 3 residents would join forces to get the snow monsters away from their homes. The monsters would fight to keep their investigation going. (Well, this could be a plausible reason for the cups and Chalice venturing out to fight the snow monsters in the DLC as so little info is given in the trailers; or I may have over-imagined as they could’ve just wanted a tasty meal and/or some tales from Chef Saltbaker) Now if the residents couldn’t defeat the snow monsters, King Dice or even better, one of the workers King Dice recruited would suddenly break down and say something along the lines of “when I started work with you guys I didn’t expect your ways to be worse than the Devil’s!” (King Dice would have driven this idea so deep into the minds of whoever he recruited by then) Pouncing on his new employers, King Dice would help the Inkwell residents defeat them.

Remember the Devil could shape shift? So where can he possibly be all this time according to this wild guess? King Dice did make a notion to employ more workers, the Devil could totally disguise as someone looking for work and be invited to the snowy lands with no one suspecting at all (meaning the info that the Devil was still in bad shape and In isles 1 to 3 was falsely provided)! Now with most of the snow monsters gone to look for him in isles 1 to 4, the Devil could finally get rid of the remaining guards that opposed him and claim these lands for himself. (Well I mentioned in approach 1 that the Devil might be in these snowy lands; only in this case he could appear as a possible ally of the cups and Chalice’s in defeating the snow monsters if the isles 1 to 3 were indeed invaded by them. Or entirely not...) After King Dice played hero and returned, he would start fresh with the Devil, with their new areas. Well, there was one last thing King Dice must do: making peace! Now being more of a friend to the Inkwell isles 1 to 3 residents, simply reflecting on the Devil’s past mistakes for him, then promising to never let him sign a soul contract again if he resurfaced would be sufficient. After all the idea of King Dice keeping the Devil in check from then on would sound appealing. So you point out that King Dice and the Devil gave up a lot not being able to sign new souls contracts? I don’t think so, because this did not forbid King Dice the Devil from training/tricking others into joining their operation/reign (kinda the same as what the contracts were intended for in this approach), they’d still find a way. With a little cooperation, planning and patience, all would lead to a win-win situation for King Dice and the Devil!

Is there room for even more wild guesses? Oh yes there is!

This time they stem from the Devil’s identity; if the Devil is meant to be a biblical reference, which means someone directly opposite from the Devil may exist as well—yes I’m talking about God. I’m just not sure if we are already introduced to God in Inkwell at this point, either as an actual character, or as the ideology of love, innocence and good within the cups, elder kettle and other Inkwell residents (reminder, this could be why the cups were able to defeat the Devil as good will always be more powerful than evil, as stated in approach 1). If we weren’t introduced to this God character before, I’m also not sure if we will be introduced to them in the future.

If a God did exist in Inkwell, the Devil gathering souls and trying to collect and train an army would make even more sense, as this would be not just for taking over the world of Inkwell, but also to one day face off God. If it does come to this, I wonder what will happen. How do the Inkwell residents react to the introduction of God and possibly his angels? Will King Dice and the Devil have the opportunity to spin lies and stuff to turn the entirety of Inkwell against them? And a more pressing thought, will King Dice and the Devil eventually get away with it, because if there was good within the Inkwell residents, there would also be a dark side, which can be victorious at times? Or will they just fail and get their butts handed to them? Can’t say for sure, all this is nothing but a wild guess for fun and games!

You know what’s fascinating after making two opposite theories?—one of King Dice and the Devil fighting each other to the death and one of them cooperating ever so smoothly—if we do see King Dice around in the DLC without context (from the cups and Chalice’s perspective), and if he says nothing or delivers a hate speech against the Devil, we can only wonder if he’s really traumatized and telling the truth (approach 2 when the Devil tried to kill him) or if it’s just part of their plan (according to this approach).

So... that was the wild-card prediction; and please let me mention this one more time, parts of this prediction and the approaches before are also the basis of the Jiaqiverse fancanon (The Inkwell Paradox, my long, outlandish fanfic, which I’ll write a summary for soon after). Stay here with me if you’re also interested in that, and thanks again for reading XD

#cuphead delicious last course #cuphead dlc #cuphead don’t deal with the devil #cuphead #king dice #cuphead king dice #cuphead devil

[augmented-beauty]

asldjfhasdfhl in effort to help you with character development for Valerie im gonna SPAM so feel free to skip any!!! but 3, 5, 7, 13, 14, 16, 21, 24 annnnnd 27 <333

Took me some time, but I love the challenge. You already know how much those questions helped me out building her up even more, but I’m gonna say it again: thank you so much for sending some and especially for creating that post 💕 you did an incredible job. And here it comes the long-ass post, it’s Val’s time to shine. Everything under the cut cause I don’t wanna kill mobile users.

3: how did you feel about Johnny that first night in the apartment, and how does it differ from what you feel now after everything? I'll be sincere. When Johnny first appeared, I was blindsided. I simply didn't show it, but I'm sure he knew anyways. Wasn't expecting him to try and murder me at the first given chance. After that came annoyance, sometimes hate, even. His presence was a death sentence for me, and he pushed my patience so much. Besides, our completely different backgrounds didn't help. The forced symbiosis wasn't pleasing. But we spent so much time together, souls and feelings literally mixing, and at some point, we understood each other. He knew me like an open book, and I figured him out. We even managed to be civil around each other. Even became friends, at some point. Only when I decided to trust him after the parade I understood everything. I hated him at first, but by the end of everything, it wasn't so bad to have Johnny around. Not always comfortable for obvious reasons, but still not terrible.

5: how do your loved ones (LI, found family, etc) feel about you being a merc? or if you’ve given up the life now that everything’s finished, what was their reaction? If my family, part of it at least, could see me, I'd feel like a dishonour for them. Never knew my father and my mother died when I was a little kid, barely old enough to remember her. The only family member who could take care of me was my maternal aunt. The two sisters didn't have the best of bonds, though. Understandable, in the end. She was divorced (again, no surprise there) and only had a son, my older cousin. She was the coldest heart you could find. Tried to shape my cousin into the perfect corporal, just like she was, but failed. He ran the fuck away from home as soon as he was 18, so, not long after I joined them. He would be happy to know I left Arasaka, if only he didn't disappear into the void. My aunt, not so much. She did succeed with me, at least partially, essentially brainwashing me to become just like her, to see the corpo life as THE way of life. She was transferred from Night City, though, and some days after being kicked out from Arasaka, I decided to cut her out of my life. On the other hand, my only true friend, my brother in bond, Jackie, and his mother were ecstatic when I took up the life of a merc. Mama Welles was a bit worried, just like she worried about her son, but still happy to know I was out of that fucked up reality. Even now that everything is over, I can’t still see myself doing anything different from what I do for a living. 

7: if offered enough money/power, would you be willing to join the corpo lifestyle? if you’re former corpo, would you go back? Absolutely no fucking way. I'd never go back into that life. It messed me up enough as it is and I don't miss it at all. I'm still recovering after years of working for Arasaka, getting to know myself all over again and understanding who the real me is. Having to go back into that is hands down one of my worst nightmares. 

13: what quest/sidejob/gig fucked you up the most? (multiple answers are allowed) The heist was hands down one of the darkest pages of my life. I felt so helpless during our escape on that Delamain cab, so lost as life left Jackie's body. And T-Bug...I wasn't as close with her as I was with Jackie, but fuck, I'd lie if I said that her death didn't hurt me. Having Yorinobu’s army after us after the parade was not any better, as the idea of Goro dying was spooky. Also, seeing Hanako Arasaka wasn’t a pleasant experience either. The way she spoke to me, her gaze...she felt like the carbon copy of Saburo and dug some unpleasant memories of my aunt out of their grave. A normal scenario turned into something extra creepy.

14: what quest/sidejob/gig made you happiest? (again, multiples allowed) Helping Johnny out was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I was spooked by the idea of letting him take control at first. A small part of me still thought that I couldn't trust him, no matter if his promises were all sincere. I also feared that letting him do it could have compromised my already precarious health even more. Looking back, I'm so glad I decided to trust him in the end. Bonding with Panam was also incredible. When I contacted Rogue for the first time and heard Panam's name, I couldn't even imagine that such a strong friendship was going to be reality. Getting to know Kerry Eurodyne was also an experience to remember. He's...one of a kind, and not gonna lie, destroying that yacht was a good way to blow some steam off. Last but not least, dinner at Joss'es was so good for many reasons. Some are more obvious, but honestly, it was perfect in its simplicity. It felt like a breath of fresh air, a good change and pause from my usually erratic everyday life. It felt cozy, peaceful. River is such a precious man, a rare finding in this city, and his family so sweet and welcoming. They're not gonna get rid of me easily. 

16: if being a merc was off the table, what would be your ideal NC job/lifestyle? That's tricky. I'd love a balance between a fair paycheck and tranquil life, something that pays off nicely but still doesn't deprive me of time for my loved ones and myself. I'm totally rambling, but, being a ripperdoc doesn't sound bad as a hypothetical job. I don't know, maybe being Vik's apprentice at first. I'm so used to action, though...being a private detective doesn't seem too bad either, picking the right field for me.

21: favorite tarot card that you’ve seen/discovered and which one do you relate to the most? (these can be two different answers)  Artistically speaking, The Empress and The Star are my favourites. But I feel like I relate the most to The Lovers. Dichotomies, finding a balance between extremes, love and friendship...all those meanings and interpretations hit close to home.

24: do you have any big adventures you want to live out? (aka what do you want to see from future DLC) If he'll ever need a hand, I wouldn't mind helping River out with one of his cases. We work well together and I'd be ok with repeating the experience. Simply spending some peaceful time with him is good enough, though. And I'd be glad to check up on Randy when he'll feel like it. Also, if Rogue had an interesting job for me, I don't think I'd turn that offer down.

27: if you had to pick one song from any of the radio stations to be your theme song, what would it be?  Picking only one song is not easy, so I'm gonna cheat a bit. Night City gives the right vibes for that purpose. Never Fade Away holds a special place in my heart by now, though. The lyrics hit me like a train.

#cyberpunk 2077 #corpo!v #my writing

[masterjslave]

FinDom and Worship

Here is the third part of my Descent into Servitude of DirtySocks. This was going to be the final part but I’m apparently a bit of a windbag and will need at least one more part.

As I ventured back out into the world of Doms and subs I started doing the same old things that I’d done before: talking to Doms and Masters online, discussing what we wanted from our counterparts, writing dirty emails and messages but never really doing anything about it mainly due to distance.

While I had looked for a Master locally, I hadn’t been particularly successful. I could say that it was simply due to a lack of them in the area. While good Masters are few and far between, the population around here is about 650k so that wasn’t very likely. If I’m being honest I really didn’t try as hard as I could have anyway because I had “committed” to long distance Masters already. But if I’m being honest I was only using them as an excuse to not find something real since it’s so easy to let something long-distance break down and then move on to the next one.

But I eventually grew frustrated with that horrible cycle because I wasn’t getting what I really needed: the feeling that I was serving anyone. What does it even mean to be dominated if you aren’t serving the Dominator? I couldn’t be someone’s sex slave or houseboy when I lived hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from them and other long-distance relationship staples, e.g. sexting, weren’t fulfilling my need either. I didn’t want to jerk off after talking about how I would serve someone if I were with them in person. I wanted to actually do something meaningful to make a Superior’s life better.

Now, while I’d been looking around on Tumblr, I’d stumbled across a few posts that had one theme which seemed to strike me as odd when I first encountered them. They were posts where the theme was slaves or subs lavishing their Superiors with gifts. This was in stark contrast to the image I head built up in my head over the years as to what a Master/slave relationship would look like. My ideal slave behavior was more like a live-in houseboy. Master would go to work, the slave would stay at home, take care of house, do whatever other chores their Master wanted them to do and then be a sex-kitten/stress reliever if desired by Master at night. It was inconceivable that a slave could even possess the ability to lavish gifts upon their owner. I’d had that singular image of servitude ingrained into mind so deeply that I hadn’t even tried to imagine a different path to service.

So in my time of darkest discontent, those images of laying gifts at my Master’s feet began to plague my mind more and more. I hadn’t served anyone in real life so far due to my own self sabotaging but gifts could be sent regardless of location. Through tribute I had no excuse not to serve my Superiors. However, I didn’t do anything immediately. I mean, how stupid would I have to be to send a gift or, god forbid money, to someone I’d never met in person. I mean, only the most pathetic type of person would ever do that.

However, after many days and weeks of the thought growing in my mind I decided to give it a shot out of curiosity. What’s the worst that could happen, I asked myself? I would purchase an item off of a Superior’s Amazon Wishlist, something not particularly expensive, and I could see how it would make me feel. Worst case scenario, I’m out 30 bucks and someone else has an early Christmas present from an admirer.

So I did it, and I was not prepared for all of the emotions that I would feel with such a simple act. My heart was pounding the entire time, while browsing through the wishlist items all the way through checkout. When I actually submitted the order it felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I’d actually done it. I’d given up something of mine and sent it to someone else with no expectation of recompense. It wasn’t forced, the opportunity to serve had just been lain before me and I’d taken it. The thrill was so intense that I could barely contain myself. You might think I’m going to say that I immediately started jerking off afterwards but that couldn’t be further from the case. I was in such a state of shock and debilitating emotion that I could hardly think straight, let alone figure out what the floppy bit of meat tube between my legs was.

After the high wore off, for days I thought about what I’d done. I tried to make sense of the emotions that I’d experienced. Were they good or bad? They most certainly weren’t indifferent. Should I try it again? No, that would be stupid, only pathetic people do that sort of thing to begin with, let alone more than once. I wasn’t that much of a sucker, was I? To be duped into doing something like that again.

Until I found myself back on Amazon perusing that same Wishlist, looking for the next thing to buy for that Superior. I couldn’t help myself, I had to see if I would feel that deluge again. But this time when I submitted the order I didn’t have the violently extreme rush of emotions like I’d had the first time. I had a rush, that was for sure, but it wasn’t as discombobulating as it had been the first time. I wasn’t in a state of shock and I could actually contemplate how I truly felt about the whole ordeal. And it was definitively good. The accomplishment that I experienced, knowing that I had done something to serve a Superior even from so far away was immeasurable. I couldn’t believe that I had denied myself that pleasure for so long.

From that moment onward I was hooked. It’s still hard for me to comprehend how quickly I became addicted to that feeling. My interactions with Superiors had taken on a whole new meaning. It wasn’t child’s play anymore I was in the big leagues. I was actually doing something to make my Superior’s lives better and they knew I was serious because I was literally putting my money were my mouth was. No more empty words, no more wasting our time because I was doing something real, doing something that would show I was truly worth devoting time to. I’d let my Superiors and, more importantly, myself down so many times in the past with my cowardice, my lack of confidence in who I was and who I wanted to be, but that was all coming to an end.

That’s how I came to understant that it really was about power. Over the years I had been so non-committal, scared to truly give up any control that I had turned my life into a miserable series of disappointed expectations and regrets. It was destroying me. I had known what I needed deep down inside me for a while by that point and I had only just begun to truly live it. I couldn’t remember ever having felt so empowered in all my life having given myself the permission to do what needed to be done. And for a while I reveled in my servitude to many Masters, to whom I am eternally grateful.

But then, I saw a post of Him on Tumblr with a tag from Instagram: dirtysocks009. I immediately downloaded Instagram and looked him up. I’d finally found this mystery man who had been the source of many a foot fantasy for a couple of years. I found His Tumblr and, along with His Instagram, I had a few of the best nights pleasuring myself to His beautiful feet and handsome face that I’d ever had. I’d found my true Superior and I was in heaven. But I felt like I needed to do something to thank Him for being so gracious to post such amazing pics for slaves like me to enjoy. That’s when I took the first step down a path that I’d never imagined myself on…

Thank you for sticking with me this long if you’ve gotten this far. I’ve finally gotten through my story of self-discovery. In the next part I will recount in detail exactly how my servitude to DirtySocks has played out since I met Him,

If you’re enjoying this series, please reblog it so that others might benefit from my real life experiences. And as always I appreciate if you tell DirtySocks that you’re enjoying my story by sending Him a message on Instagram, Tumblr, or gmail @dirtysocks009.

DirtySocksFootBoy

#descent into servitude

[nextgennews-blog1]

Knowing My Limits by Elizabeth Scher

The greatest gift I ever received was getting fired for the first time. I, like so many in the restaurant industry, am a struggling performer. I had been making my way through the ebb and flow of constant rejection, and not necessarily handling it well.

For the past few years at this point, I had been bouncing around from restaurant to restaurant. I had just moved to New York in 2013 and was having difficulty finding my footing. Wherever I worked was filled with a myriad of issues. I never made enough money, there were never enough shifts, the managers were terrible, etc. There was rampant sexual harassment everywhere I worked. This, unfortunately, was to be expected.

I have been battling severe anxiety for years, which, at this point, been repressed to dangerous degrees. In July 2016 I reached a point where it could no longer be ignored. Realizing I could not safely live on my own, I went back home. I let my job know, and they were incredibly supportive. At no point did they show annoyance or belittle my experience, and I will forever be grateful for that. In fact, many of my coworkers and bosses could empathize seeing as how many have gone through similar issues themselves. Working in restaurants, you are bound to find people who have gone through what are patronizingly referred to as “imaginary problems”. Issues such as addiction, depression, anxiety, extreme anger, etc. Ailments where ignorant advice is given such as “just learn to smile more,” or “it’s all in your head.”

I eventually got to the point where I could live on my own and go back to work. I insisted that working in a restaurant was not contributing to my anxiety. In spite of the following events  I still believe this to be true. The types of problems that arise in a restaurant are often immediately resolved. My anxiety is generally concerned with the abstract and/or long term. In a restaurant you have many problems at once, but there is often a clear solution. That being said, I did not go back to work full time. I felt, as did my doctor, that I needed to ease into normalcy. My wallet disagreed, but my body felt it necessary to listen. My job was very cooperative, yet again, and I was allowed to come back on a part-time basis. Based on how I have been talking about this place is seems like the ideal serving experience. It is, however, by far the most dramatic place I have ever worked. I have seen drunk servers fight customers. I, myself, pulled a knife out of a cook’s hands to stop him from cutting himself. One time a manager was fired for literally stalking another manager. This place made Maury seem like a lovely family reunion.

There is one important character that is integral to much of the drama that took place. His name is Jake. Jake was the bane of everyone’s existence. He was an annoyingly loud regular who was crude, young, rich, traditionally handsome, and had a hoard of fake friends at his disposal. The main bartender, Evan, who was also good friend of mine, happened to be rather fond of Jake. Jake essentially paid Evan’s entire salary so it’s hard not to see why Evan had his back. Jake is a truly disgusting person. He would sexually harass every woman, but that is to be expected. He manipulated a host into sending what I’ll politely call “suggestive” videos, and then showed them to all of his friends. He would hand out cocaine like it was candy as though we were some sort of drug Santa. He called one of my friends, a fellow server named Brittany, a “miserable cunt” and was subsequently “banned” for 10 days. He tried to go back the next day as if nothing happened. The only reason he even got reprimanded was because Brittany was leaving for graduate school at the end of the week. The minute she left he was back to his old antics with full force. He has done, and continues to do, terrible things with no punishment. The final straw for me was when he exposed himself to a coworker and a female manager. I personally witnessed the female manager reporting it to the the higher ups and nothing was done. Jake didn’t even so much get a slap on the wrist.

Jake started to weigh on my mind more than I care to admit. Before he was just a slimy irritation, but I never thought he actually would effect me in the way that he did. I started to have panic attacks about possible scenarios involving him. They were only in my imagination, but there was something different about them than my other panic induced downward spirals. Although these events were fabricated, they were not out of the realm of possibility. Jake’s money made him very appealing to the higher ups. He was even being courted as an investor for a future location. He was untouchable. I was starting to think that he could literally rape us and the owner would just say we shouldn’t have been in his way. Unrealistic, yes, but given the way rape is treated these days, that idea is more realistic than I wish it was.. At one point I literally broke down crying about this in the middle of Union Square. There I was, sitting on the sidewalk on a Saturday night, crying about a piece of shit who, frankly, had already mostly decided not to mess with me. I wasn’t exactly nice to him after he called Brittany a cunt.

One of the main lessons I took away from my mental breakdown was to stop repressing stress. I decided I needed to confront this issue. I couldn’t go to management because that had already proven to be futile. At best we were ignored and at worst we were openly mocked. What I decided to do was talk to Evan, the bartender, and my friend. Evan and I grew close because we would commute together. We would rant to each other, talk about our fears and frustrations, and confide in each other. He has fought and won many battles that I won’t go into out of respect for his privacy. He helped me while I was struggling and I will always love him for that. What I thought I could do is go to Evan, as a friend, with my fears about Jake seeing as he actually has some influence. Evan isn’t a manager, but he could deny service. Another thing to mention about Evan is that he is incredibly defensive and stubborn. He has alienated a lot of people who have confronted him about similar issues. I knew that if I confronted him there was a possibility that I could lose a friend. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I had no choice. The conversation went exactly as I expected. I was crying, he was yelling, I was saying we don’t feel safe, he said I should have gone to management and not him. I said that these were panic induced thoughts, but felt they were still legitimate worries. I suggested that Jake not be given so many “perks” which, I felt, validated his behavior. I also said that Evan encouraged this behavior. He did not take kindly to that. Both of us were emotional and probably not as articulate as we could have been. I had to go to work as he was leaving for the day. I went to cry before my shift, he went right to management.

I left for a little while because I was already scheduled to go on vacation with my family. I came back after about ten days where I learned I was no longer allowed to work shifts until I have a talk with the general manager. My coworkers agreed that I was probably going to be fired in this “talk.” We all agreed that this was, in fact, probably what I needed. This place was making me miserable and the environment was toxic. Lo and behold, I come in the next morning and I have the “talk.” The general manager said I was “causing unnecessary drama.” and they can’t have that, especially from a part-time employee. I then asked him if I could explain why I did what I did. I did not hold back. I explained how I was coming to Evan as a friend, how going to management was futile, and how genuinely terrified we all are around Jake at times. I also made a point to tell him about how Brittany, the aforementioned “miserable cunt,” had gone to the owner the day before that incident occurred. She went to the owner, with another manager, and raised her concerns about Jake. She stated that he is always condescending and sexually harasses her. She had also said that she was afraid to go to the owner about this because she was scared to talk negatively about his friend. The owner’s response to these concerns was “well next time they do that say ‘yeah, well Evan doesn’t have these,’” and made fake breast gestures. It bears repeating that this was in front of another manager; the general manager apparently never knew about that incident. I also thanked the general manager for treating me so well when I needed the time off. It is a rare thing, and I still wanted to show appreciation.

I am not happy about how the confrontation went down, but I am happy I did it. If I had to get fired for anything I’m happy it was for standing up for myself and my coworkers. The whole experience made me realize that I never want to work in restaurants ever again. I wish I could say this type of incident is uncommon. I can’t count how many times a female coworker, at any restaurant I’ve worked, has encountered sexual harassment that has made them feel genuinely unsafe. At one point or another, at this place, every single female staff member had to be talked out of quitting over the sexism. We all said the same line: “it’s just part of the job.”

I learned that I can be a commanding force if I need to be. The whole experience has made me stronger. I still battle with anxiety daily and I am adjusting to the treatment I receive for it, but it has made me a better person. I’ve realized that learning how to get rid of unnecessary stress is difficult, but crucial. The second I walked out of that restaurant after being fired a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, as cliche as that sounds. I mean that in a very real sense; I feel lighter. Job searching is awful, but I will take that any day over forcing myself to suppress more anxiety. I know my limits. More importantly, I know how to properly expand my limits without causing more stress. Baby steps are crucial and not a sign of weakness. I always thought that getting fired would be humiliating. I never considered that it could be the most empowering thing that has happened to me. I will be forever grateful.

#anxiety #feminism #restaurantindustry #knowingyourself #recovery #babysteps

[datingadviceonreddit]

PreambleReally, it's better to be alone than with someone who isn't right. (I know if you've been alone for a long time you feel like anyone will do and it's better just to have someone, literally anyone.) But please, people will take advantage of you so easily. Or they just won't be a good match and you end up taking advantage of them.Here are some things to look out for. They may seem obvious but having a check list is actually really useful cause we often miss things, or deny things to ourselves because we just really want this person to be who we think they are. And that's really dangerous. So here is a tool I made to help you. Feel very free to skim read it, it's a big boi.​1) Do They Communicate With You?If you want to talk about an issue to do with the relationship, eg. how often you see each other or whether you would like to be seeing other people as well, and they shut you down or constantly postpone the conversation, then they are not mature enough for an adult relationship and you need to move on.When a date is cancelled or something happens do they tell you about it before you arrive at the location, or just 10 minutes before the meeting time? Are you in their mind when plans change?When they are uncomfortable with something do they tell you/show you or do they wait for you to guess? If you see something is wrong and ask about it in an empathetic way, do they tell you or do they continue to sulk for attention? How much work do you need to put in to get to an issue they are having? (obviously sometimes it's better to just have a good time with them and get them to forget about it, or let them cry it out and don't force them to confide anything. But if they are actively seeking attention then denying you explanation they are, again, not mature enough and you will regret getting attached to them later)2) Do They Respect You?Are they listening to you when you speak or just waiting for their opportunity to speak and try to impress you? Just cause they're trying to impress you doesn't mean they like you, it means they like themselves and would rather show themselves off than get to know you. Obviously you should try to get to know them too and let them speak, but conversation is a two way street. Do they like you or do they just like your attention? (This could fall under "Do They Like You?")If you can't see them because you are busy with something they don't value (a hobby you do not share, like gaming or reading or hanging out with friends etc) and they get angry about it then they don't respect you. It may be that you need to explain this to them. But you need to unwind, and if gaming is important to you and a part of your life then they need to respect the time you want to dedicate to it. It's not a harmful hobby. And just because you are gaming instead of being with them doesn't mean you don't like them. Socialising takes mental effort and it's okay to go to your hobby and unwind for a bit. In fact, it's really healthy and they should encourage it.Do they expect you to change? Are they trying to save you or corrupt you or turn you into something you are not (even if it's something you want to be)? If so then they have a complex, like a hero complex or whatever the opposite of that is (a devil complex?). This is when they get an ego boost from seeing their effect on you. They don't respect your right to develop independently of them, and they will push you into a box and an idea of how you should behave according to their wishes. They will also tell you it is for your own good. Eg. they may push you to stop smoking, which is great if you ask them to, but crap if they judge you harshly for how you treat your body. It's no their fault, it's a subconscious thing, but watch out for itDo they make you chose between them and others? As in, when you are out with friends do they consistently text you with some sort of crisis or try to get your attention through sex? Do they talk shit about your friends and family to your or to their friends? Do they invite themselves to your social gatherings when your mates don't seem to want them there? Do they say things like "If you want to pick your friends over me that's fine, I'm chill." Cause it's not fine and they're not chill. They have the wrong mentality. They are a part of your life, not the center of it.When you ask them for something that involves mutual sexual health do they oblige? As in, if you want to use condoms or you want them to get an STD/STI check do they do so, or do they flip out and become insulted? Imagine if something goes wrong and you end up having a child with them (it happens. a lot), imagine how difficult conversations about abortions and circumcisions and all that sort of thing are going to be if they can't talk about sexual health. Plus if they don't care about the health of your body then they don't care about you or respect you.Do they treat your space (bedroom/flat/house) and things with the same respect/more respect than you do? Do they help clean up if they've spilled things? Do they ask to take their shoes off? Do they ask where the bin is etc etc? How they treat your space is a reflection of how much they care about you and respect you. Obviously if you don't really respect your space then it's natural for them to follow suit since they don't want to embarrass you by asking where something goes if where it goes is the floor. So take that into account as well.Do they ask for things even if they know you are uncomfortable with it? This could be money, all your free time, sexual acts, general favours. If you've said no and they consistently ask. Or you say okay but it makes you uncomfortable and they come to expect it... then get out now. They don't respect you at all, they just want you there for that reason and they don't care if it bothers you, as long as you do it. Possibly the biggest red flag so far.3) Do They Like you?Do they just want to get you into bed? Do they speed through the date until the end when they can be invited upstairs? Or always insist on dates in private places and instantly initiate sex? If so then they don't really want to get to know you. They just want to get to fuck you. Which is fine if it's a hook up scenario, but if you want to date them seriously then it's less than ideal. It's worth confronting them though. Maybe they do want to talk to you but they don't think you want to talk to them, they think you just want to have sex.Conversely, do they avoid having sex with you? Do they consistently (extra stress on consistently) reject sexual advances or avoid scenarios where sex may come up? This may be because they are not attracted to you, and are dating you for some other reason. However, again, this is one you should confront them about. There are many many reasons why this may be the case ranging from inexperience to abuse in the past. It may be something you can work through together, it may not. But you need to approach the topic with extra care and empathy.If you are injured or upset do they care for you? This is a tricky one, because they have no obligation to care for you. And you should never expect them to care for you. You should always care for yourself. However, if they show no regard for your emotional or physical well-being this is quite a red flag. If they literally do not show care for you then they don't care about you. Or perhaps they do, but are too self absorbed to admit it. Either way, not good enough for you. Boot 'em.Do they go out of their way for you? What I mean is do they listen to what concerns you and adjust for it, eg do they go to vegetarian restaurants with you if you're veggie? Or somewhere close to the car-park if you have a recent leg injury or a disability? Do they put in extra effort to make you feel special, such as dressing themselves nicely or bringing you tea rather than making you go and get it, offering you the larger portion if food first etc etc It's really the little things, and everyone shows affection differently. The real question is do they show affection to you in a genuine way that you can observe?Similarly, are you on their mind? Do they share news or memes or jokes with you at random times during the day, or save up a story to tell you? These are signs they've been thinking about you and they know what will amuse or entertain you. This means they like you. They want to see you smile and things they see around remind them of you.4) Do You Like Them?Do you find them attractive? Really ask yourself, when you see them do you want to touch them, or do you just want to be touched my someone and they will do. This is really important. If you are not attracted to them then the relationship can't go anywhere. You are leading them on or sympathy dating them, or dating them for some other reason and it's not fair to them. They deserve to have the chance to find someone who is truly attracted to them, and you deserve to be with someone you really want to be with. Don't pity date. Don't do it. It hurts everyoneDo you want to spend time with them outside the bedroom? Do you like them in a non-sexual way? Obviously sex is important, but if you don't care about what they're talking about and you don't share any interests then... by all means hook up with them... but don't date them. You need to be fascinated by their mind, not just their body. You need more than friendship and attraction, you also need romantic feelings, or it won't be fulfilling, just functional.Like above, do you make extra effort for them, and think about them randomly during the day? Do you find yourself chatting about them all the time or sending them memes and stories that you think they will enjoy, even if you don't expect an instant response, or care if they reply. You just want them to see this cute puppy video or whatever it is.5) Do You Guys Gel?Do you work through problems as a team or do you fight? This might be making plans, travelling together, dealing with family emergencies, problem solving activities like escape rooms or gaming or even crosswords and so on. Whatever you do that involves co-op, how do you do? Cause if you date them and you constantly fight about every little problem you face together, it's going to be hell after a while. Passionate, exhausting hell.Do you have fun together? This is really really really important. They may tick every box, be the most fascinating mind ever, be some sort of deity in bed, treat you like you're the ruler of a galaxy, but if you don't laugh and enjoy spending time with them... you're going to get bored, and one of you will be bored before the other. And it will hurt. So learn to cut loose with them or move on to someone with whom you have more flow.Can you be yourself with them? Okay so maybe you're anxious with everyone and it just takes a while for you. But sometimes, with some people, you feel extra afraid of judgement and it's not because you're nervous, it's because they're judgmental. This is up to your digression, but if you can't relax in their presence, they're not worth your time.Lastly and importantly, do you trust them and do they trust you? If you feel any sense of uneasiness leaving them alone in your room for a second or turning your back to them while you're close to danger (eg a large body of water or an oven etc) then they're not the one for you. Especially if this isn't a usual feeling for you. Basically trust your instincts, and if something they say freaks you out, trust that feeling. Take time to think it over and confront them. If it continues them break up. You're not on the same page and you don't trust them. The relationship can't continue without trust.DisclaimerYou may be thinking "look lady, it's impossible for me to find this perfect human that you are describing" and you're totally right, no one is perfect. Sometimes you need to teach someone how to communicate with you, or that you need them to show respect in particular ways. People can't read your mind and you need to tell them that you require certain levels of commitment, respect, communication etc etc. You can give people second chances, third chances, forth chances. You explain things to them. But if they continue to be immature, disrespectful, self-absorbed or abusive months into the relationship then you need to stop being so forgiving. You really do deserve better. Seriously, you do. Is this the person you want to spend the next chapter of your life with? The person you want to confide in and fall in love with? Do you want to put yourself through that? I don't think so.Do NOT ignore red flags ESPECIALLY if they are multiple.If you really must date someone who is not good enough then at least know what you are getting yourself in for. And for fuck sake do not marry them.​NB: Some of these points are quite debatable so feel free to debate them with me. I am open to changing them or correcting them if anyone takes offense/makes a better point (imo obviously)If you think of any more things hit me up in the comments and I'll add it. Also point out my spelling mistakes, but be specific as to where they are or I won't correct them. I am lazy :)​ via /r/dating_advice

#dating #dating advice #reddit

[bangtanx130613-blog]

Step by Step - BTS Fan Fiction (Chapter 4)

Chapter 4 - 2k word count

"Haneul, you're biting your nails."

I snapped back to my senses with these words. A voice belonging to Young Jae echoes throughout the dimly lit, empty cafe space as he returns to his conversation on his phone with his girlfriend. After the meeting with Mr. Kim Chul Soo we've reached the decision that waiting in the cafe was the best option was for us to sit out the whole day in the cafe until it's late at night when all the crowds have left so avoid as much public contact as possible. It was also a safety concern for both ourselves and... The reputation of BTS... the CCTVs in the cafe made sure we weren't leaving anytime soon. It would've been bad if we were mobbed by overly passionate fans but... even worse in the values of BigHit to have us blabber about something else that may lead to more public outrage. How these values came to be absolutely baffled me... Although, I do admit I can see why any celebrity's livelihood would easily outweigh mine any day of the week.

I could feel my senses dulling as I drearingly sipped on my 4th latte of the day. There wasn't much I could do with my phone gone, probably sold off somewhere by now. Apart from some ridiculously old phone games, which I grew bored of within minutes, Young Jae was the only form of entertainment that I had around me all day and he's starting to wear out as well. Sleep didn't come to me at all despite how tired I felt, all the adrenalin from running through the endless scenarios of what may happen soon kept me all too awake and aware of the world that I lived in right now. The company phone ringing jolts me from my stupor. "Must be someone coming to pick us up" I thought to myself. As suspected it was a call from Mr. Kim Chul Soo himself telling us where our car is waiting for us and the plate number.

Young Jae and I left the building promptly after calling up our boss to join us. Young Jae and I were exhausted from this eventful and tiring day despite the fact that we haven't even moved around a fraction as much as we would've on any normal day. Carefully slinking about the narrow streets even though most of the crowds in Itaewon have already went home was just a precaution Young Jae and I made, we've decided today was enough exposure for a lifetime. We arrive at a black van with the same car plate mentioned to us earlier and receive confirmation from the driver that we're supposed to be the people that he's picking up. There was no awkwardness or excitement about being picked up by staff and a vehicle owned by BigHit. I've hardly ever been in a car since my time here in Seoul, nevermind such a nice one. If it wasn't for the fact that this car ride was sending me to what may possibly be the most stressful meeting I'd ever face in my entire life, I might've actually enjoyed it.

After a short drive we arrive and pull up outside the BigHit office building. I've never seen photos of the new building and it blends in inconspicuously with the other buildings around the area, no signs to signal unwanted eyes. We were guided up and into a medium sized meeting room by the man who drove us here, taking no chances for us to wander off by ourselves. Is this how it feels like to be under arrest? As we sit I notice how the bright fluorescent lights highlighted the dark circles underneath Young Jae’s eyes. I could only imagine that mine look worse. The man who drove us over asked if we would like some tea and the three of us lightly declined the offer. I’d personally would much prefer if they let us leave and go home without further ado.

Mr. Chul Soo enters the room wordlessly and holds the door open as Suga enters the room, lips pursed tight in an emotion which I could only read as a mixture of annoyance, exhaustion and guilt. Jin follows in a similar fashion as the previous. The men all sit down opposite of us, Suga and Jin meeting all of our eyes and giving us all each a polite nod. I nod back in return as Mr. Kim Chul Soo begins speaking to signal the beginning of the end of this entire fiasco.

“I hope you don’t mind as I record this meeting as I did before, I’ll also be typing up the conclusions we will reach tonight on my laptop so we get an agreement signed within the next couple of hours.” We all promptly nod and the meeting began. The air in the meeting room was thick with tension especially from me as I was expecting the most repercussion from the matter at hand… Just because I happened to be a girl…

“Let’s hear about Jin’s side of the story first, may I also add that your little late night venture was unauthorized by your manager.” Said Chul Soo expectedly

Jin cleared his throat before he began and sat up straight in his chair before he began speaking, as if he prepared this speech prior to this meeting.

“Well, you see, I was left quite hungry after our rehearsals that day. I was also finding it hard to adapt to our diet back then as we just began training up from our off season.” He flashed a look at Suga before returning to his speech, “As Namjoon suggested this cafe to us before, I was excited to go as it was a nice walking distance from our house and… I just asked Yoongi to come along with me. I know it was my fault for taking pictures with the staff together but… I…”

Chul Soo cut through as Jin trailed off, “Ok I get the idea, Suga?”

“It wasn’t really much to be honest, it happened as how Jin said it. It’s not like you guys don’t know we already sneak out for food, it just came out badly this time.” Suga said a matter of factly. Chul Soo took a deep breath in, seemingly done with Suga’s careless tone.

“I believe that this situation can be resolved easily with this newly added information. Mr Jung, let us step out for a few moments please.” The two men then left to discuss outside the room, voices muffled, leaving the four of us sitting in awkward silence.

Only now do I realize that I’m casually sitting across two internationally renowned celebrities, whom I’ve admired from afar and now I get to see them close up. Although the situation was far less from ideal I began noticing things about them which you can’t unless if you’ve met them up close, without all the makeup, costumes and lights. Although Jin’s skin was smooth and barely had any blemishes, it was just blooming a pinkish tinge around his eyes, nose and cheeks, a common result of sensitive skin. Suga had the palest skin I’ve ever seen, I know many people would kill for such a fair complexion. Despite his skin being pale there were imperfections about him, a light sheen of oil can be seen on his forehead through his bangs all the way down his nose and along his cheekbones. Small spots darkened from acne could be seen along his jawline and neck. It wasn’t until now that I was able to see them as… people. Suga then began speaking.

“I’m sorry we didn’t decline the photos, it would’ve been all cleared up by now if we kept you out of the photo.”

“Ah no, don’t worry so mu-”

“It’s technically a violation of our contract. It’s here to protect both sides but… I’m sorry. I felt rude to mention it at the time but I guess that just made it worse. I just want to apologize if I came off as rude earlier, I’m not very good at talking until I’ve gathered all my thoughts together.”

Everyone around the table pursed their lips together, I never thought far enough for something in BTS’ contracts would also be in place to protect fans’ privacy. The fact that I now know these boys had a responsibility to refuse the pictures in the first place made me feel a little bit better about my own mess up but… Also more depressing to know that they’re not free of their job’s duties even in their own time.

Mr Kim and Mr Jung then entered the room shortly and showed us the document which we had to sign. It dictated something around the usual of what I would expect, we do not discuss what happened whatsoever, the pictures are deleted from Young Jae’s phone, we don’t say anything against the official statement to be released later etc. There were arguably some grey areas but there was just one question that itched at the back of my mind.

“Does that mean BTS can’t return to our cafe anymore?” I said aloud. Chul Soo replied with a question of his own.

“Why do you want them to return? Even after all this nasty trouble?”

“I…” I gulped, “I want to be able to offer them a safe space, protect them from prying eyes and give them peace in return for their hard work. I hope that the cafe becomes a comfort to them.” I don’t know what came over me at this moment but the most heartfelt of words came to me. I so longed to be able return the gratitude that I have for these boys. Not only from the fact that they tried to apologize to me when shit hit the fan but also for being there for me in their music. For supporting me, communicating to me and saving me in my worst of times. No matter if I can give them everything money can buy in the world or if it’s only the comfort of a cup of coffee which I can provide to them then so be it.

“Well I ca-”

“The agreement never stated it explicitly.” Suga cut in,

The whole table went quiet as Chul Soo nodded and pushed the documents towards the three of us. We quickly signed the documents and which an exhale, I could slowly feel life returning to normal. Jin let out a yawn, quickly covered by a hand with crooked fingers, signalling the end of a long day.

We were ushered to leave together by Chul Soo and as I exited the room I felt a hand squeezing my shoulder. I looked back, expecting to see Young Jae standing behind me but instead I see it’s Jin who did so. He simply looked ahead as if he did it out of habit, weird. We got down to the lobby of the building and bowed to each other to say goodnight and bid each other goodbye. Young Jae, Mr Jung and I got into the same car which picked us up and were each driven home one by one, I was the last one still in the car as I lived the furthest out from the city. I thought back on what I said earlier about why I wanted BTS to keep visiting the cafe and I couldn’t help but smile bittersweetly at my feelings. As if my heart beats suddenly became painstakingly overbearing for me I felt hollow thuds pulling at my being with each beat. It must just be from the exhaustion I thought to myself, it’s stupid to think that I’d be feeling sad over something so trivial. I arrive soundly at the building which my apartment block is in and thank the staff who drove me and make my way up into the building, into the simple yet comforting little nest I’ve made for myself here. Flopping down onto my mattress, “Everything will be better when I wake up tomorrow” I think to myself as I close my eyes. 

#bts fanfic #rm fanfic #jin fanfic #suga fanfic #bts #bangtan sonyeondan #bulletproof boys #step by step #fanfiction #fanfic #kpop #kpop fanfiction #i'm so tired of tagging why can't i copy and paste tags on tumblr #maybe i just don't know how to use tumblr

[njawaidofficial]

Terry Crews Is Not Going Down Without A Fight

https://styleveryday.com/2018/03/15/terry-crews-is-not-going-down-without-a-fight/

Terry Crews Is Not Going Down Without A Fight

Terry Crews says he didn’t plan for it to happen like this. Five days after the New York Times published a bombshell report on allegations of sexual harassment and assault against Harvey Weinstein, and five days before the #MeToo movement found new energy, Crews took a moment between shooting scenes at work to send a series of tweets detailing his own experience allegedly being groped by a powerful Hollywood agent.

Terry Crews and Andy Samberg in Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

20thCentFox / Everett Collection

“I was on the set [of Brooklyn Nine-Nine], shaking,” Crews told BuzzFeed News of the moment he decided to go public with his experience. “I didn’t call my publicist, I didn’t call my friends, I didn’t call my manager, I didn’t call my wife. I just started tweeting.” In those first tweets, Crews recalled being groped at an industry party in 2016. He’d later name the man who allegedly did it as Adam Venit, an agent at William Morris Endeavor Entertainment (WME), and Crews is currently suing both Venit and the company. Venit represents some of the most famous actors in Hollywood, including Sylvester Stallone, Adam Sandler, and more. Crews said the incident itself took place at Sandler’s house. Venit has since apologized, and while the LAPD has declined to pursue a criminal case, Crews isn’t done speaking out. After all, why stop now?

Zinc Ink

Crews has had a feud with toxic masculinity — the idea that men are taught to adhere to specific, damaging gender roles — for years. He launched his battle via his 2014 book, Manhood: How to Be a Better Man — or Just Live With One. It was then that Crews declared himself a feminist on Larry King Now. It was also the era in which he began speaking publicly about his porn addiction, his stint in rehab to treat it, and his changing relationship to the ideals of “manliness.”

Four years after the release of his book, Crews is still making headlines about his relationship to toxic masculinity. Nowadays, though, the tenor of the narrative is different. In one of his initial tweets about his assault, Crews wrote about the fear that drives so many victims stay silent, especially in Hollywood. “Who is going 2 believe you? (few) What r the repercussions? (many) Do u want 2 work again? (Yes) R you prepared 2 be ostracized? (No).”

The decision to come forward about his experience came as a relief, according to Crews. But it also came at a cost. “Once I hit send, I literally felt this weight come off me,” he said. “I went back to work, and I turned my phone off. And when I came back to my phone, the world had changed.”

Six months later, Crews is still grappling with what those changes — from an ongoing legal battle to the perception of his peers — will mean for his life going forward.

Terry Crews in Battle Dome Season 1, 1999–2001.

Columbia Tristar / Everett Collection

Crews is no stranger to calling out institutions he views as harmful. He spent seven years in the NFL, which, as he told Arsenio Hall in 2013, carries with it a “culture of intimidation, humiliation, and violence.” He later echoed that on Hot 97 in 2017, also while talking about the NFL. “It’s an abusive relationship, you know why? Because they know you’re going to get hurt. It’s built in,” he said. He also knows what it’s like to lose access to those powerful behemoths. When Crews left the NFL in 1997, he had only six months worth of savings to his name. He assumed he’d get the Hollywood work he wanted right away because of the platform the NFL gave him. Instead, he took a job sweeping floors to make ends meet until he got a part on Battle Dome in 1999.

Now, Crews has been enmeshed in Hollywood for nearly 20 years. It’s a relationship that’s currently in a state of flux, precisely because he has refused to stay silent. According to Crews, the way people in the industry interact with him has shifted palpably since the day he went public with his accusation against Venit. “I walk in the room, and the room is split right down the middle,” he said. “It just divides right there. It’s kind of like lightning.” On one figurative side are the people who root for Crews and his place in the #MeToo movement, people who applaud him as a silence breaker. On the other are the people who would really like Crews to shut up.

Hilarie Burton attends the 101st Indianapolis 500, 2017.

Joey Foley / WireImage

Shutting up has historically been the only option for actors who believe they’ve been wronged but want to continue to work in Hollywood. Most of their stories are likely still unspoken, though in 2017 that started to change one story at a time. In November, Hilarie Burton accused One Tree Hill creator Mark Schwahn of harassing and assaulting her. Burton left the series after her contract ran out in season six, and refused to be considered for starring roles in other shows for years after. “The fear of being forced into another one of these situations was crippling,” she told Variety. She also noted that she didn’t tell anyone at Warner Bros. Television, the studio that produced One Tree Hill, about the misconduct. “I didn’t want Warner Bros. to view me as a problem, because they had been so supportive,” she said. “I wanted to work at Warner Bros. again. I’m working at Warner Bros. now.” In Hollywood, the fear of being labeled “difficult” or a “problem” is palpable, ongoing, and one of the most effective means of keeping people quiet. This has proven especially true for women and people of color, who’ve faced systemic obstacles to both entering and staying in Hollywood.

Crews notes that there are plenty of people who’ve been keeping their distance from him ever since he first spoke about his assault. “It’s because if you’ve got any kind of sympathy for these toxic dudes then you don’t even want to be around me,” Crews speculates. “Because I will put you on blast.”

And he has done just that. When Russell Simmons allegedly emailed Crews telling him he should “give [Venit] a pass,” Crews called that behavior out on Twitter. He did the same when Avi Lerner, a producer for the Expendables movies, allegedly called Crews’ management and said he could avoid any “problems” with the sequel if he dropped his lawsuit against Venit. And he’s constantly speaking out about WME, especially since Venit returned to work there with a demotion after being suspended for a month. (Simmons and Lerner did not respond to requests for comment.)

Adam Venit

Charley Gallay / Getty Images

A few weeks after revealing Venit’s identity on Good Morning America, Crews filed a sexual assault and battery lawsuit against both Venit and WME. In court papers submitted to the Los Angeles Superior Court and obtained by the Hollywood Reporter, representatives for WME present the agency’s side of the story. They say that though Venit called to apologize to Crews after the incident, Crews did not inform senior management of the allegations until he tweeted about it in October. They also point to the fact that Crews stayed with the agency until November 2017, which Crews has attributed to his initial desire to “let it go” and move on — a desire that changed after the Weinstein accusations went public. As Crews told BuzzFeed News, it was seeing the negative public treatment of the women who’d accused Weinstein that prompted him to speak about his own assault. For him, it was an act of solidarity that spiraled into something more.

In a particularly fascinating excerpt of the court papers, representatives for WME also accuse Crews of trying to “equate himself with the women and men who have been forced, sometimes repeatedly and over an extended period, to submit to sex or endure sexual harassment to keep their jobs or advance their careers, while the perpetrators and others who knew about it looked the other way.” It’s a statement that implies that Crews’ experience doesn’t fall into the exact right rubric of misconduct to count. It’s also antithetical to the spirit of the #MeToo movement. The movement has never been about everyone having shared the exact same scenarios of assault or harassment. Instead, it’s been about highlighting just how common, deeply ingrained, and hard to shake these types of mistreatment are. And isn’t that just what Crews was doing when he sent those tweets on Oct. 10?

“People don’t understand that Hollywood is a very violent place. The best way to put it is that it’s like a plantation.”

Crews dropped WME as his agency after coming forward with the allegation. But as part of the standard agency contract, Crews is still required to pay WME a portion of his profits from any project he made while signed with them. “What business [is this] that you can do something like that to another human being, and I still have to pay you?” he said. “Everybody feels like that’s OK. But this is not right. There are no checks and balances. There is no one to watch you. And given what he did to me, imagine some young girl, and an agent rapes them, and they’re on a show or whatever, and they still got to pay this guy.”

Crews suggests that a morality clause written into contracts could help avoid that kind of situation. “If you cross this line, why are you still getting money? Why are you still working?”

This is not Crews’ first rodeo when it comes to pushback for speaking his mind. The actor said the publishers of his 2014 book Manhood — Zinc Ink, an imprint of Random House — “poo-pooed” his desire to write about toxic masculinity back when he was writing. “[They were] kind of like, Ugh, really? You really wanna do this?” he said. “I think they were expecting some kind of guys’ guy book, and I think they were a little disappointed.” According to Crews, he had a two-book deal that never turned into a second book. A spokesperson for Zinc Ink sent BuzzFeed News the following statement in response: “We were committed to working with Terry to deliver a book that shared his unvarnished story which defines how he views manhood while providing the reader an emotional and inspiring glimpse into the true heart of one of today’s biggest stars. We are extremely proud of Manhood, Terry, and all that he has done to spark a new and meaningful conversation that challenges the traditional notion of what it means to be a man.”

Regardless of the book’s editing process, Crews committed to his vision of it and used the book tour as a platform to speak about feminism and masculinity. He’s determined to educate the world, even if his own employers aren’t willing to listen. His is in a position familiar to many feminists who’d railed against harmful systems for years before the allegations against Weinstein activated a sort of reckoning. Asked if his perspective has changed since he wrote his book, Crews said, “It wasn’t that it changed. It was more that I was validated.”

On top of his lawsuit against WME and Venit, Crews also filed a report with the Los Angeles Police, which opened an investigation into the incident. In February, the LA district attorney’s office declined to file charges because of lack of evidence that Venit made contact with Crews’ skin during the alleged groping, which would have classified the crime as a felony. The case was then passed on to the LA city attorney’s office, which handles misdemeanors. In March, the city attorney’s office declined the case because the statute of limitations of one year had passed. All the while, Crews says he’s had to keep paying the agency he blames for not holding his alleged assailant accountable.

Terry Crews and Sylvester Stallone in The Expendables, 2010.

Karen Ballard / Lions Gate / Courtesy Everett Collection

He’s also still waiting on some phone calls: Crews said he hasn’t heard anything from Lerner or the rest of the Expendables team since he called out the producer on Twitter.

“No words from anybody. Nothing,” Crews said. “Believe me, nobody saw that coming. Nobody thought that I was gonna put that out there.” For him, it all plays into a bigger picture of what’s broken in Hollywood. “People don’t understand that Hollywood is a very violent place,” he continued. “The best way to put it is that it’s like a plantation. You use extreme violence. You see a lot of people who never work again. For even speaking up the whole thing is that they cut your head off so that the next person doesn’t speak.”

“If this is the end of my career, just end it now.”

[thisoldnewsletter-blog]

Bricklayer

About 6 months ago I decided to start sending these out again. I’ve been putting it off for tomorrow quite a bit. There were a number of motivating factors that led me to the decision, one of which was that I’d started writing again not long before that.

These early writings are ancient to me. This first one, which is by far the longest of those I have yet, dates back to November. Seeing myself write again, or rather seeing the things I wrote was inspiring. Additionally, writings aren’t complete until they are read, or sent out, published—attained by the public. It’s like making something—it is literally that—and it expresses you, it’s your voice.

This relates to something I was reading yesterday about the life of attention. Monkeys who are raised under exact circumstances rely on one simple factor which proves for them life or death. Baby monkeys with exactly the same food, setting, environment, everything—they’re lives are still not complete. They can have all those physical needs and comforts met, but the attention given to the baby by the care-taker decides whether it will live or die. If the care-taker simply enters, gives food, water, etc., and ignores the baby, it will die. Under the same circumstances—same food, same care-taker, environment—when the care-taker gives the baby some attention—pets it, shows it love, shows the monkey somebody loves it, somebody cares whether it dies—the monkey lives.

I don’t mean to sound morbid or craved—the point is attention. When the monkey is given attention, it feels real, it’s here for something because someone will notice—someone will care—if it weren’t here. If the monkey is ignored, why is it here? It has no purpose, it’s existence is denied, ignored.

So, to make something—words, in this case—or what the words come together to make that’s less-than-physical—its existence, its purpose, relies on attention. These are creations that don’t fully exist and are mostly purposeless until or unless they are sent out, shown, given an audience—given a reality.

Mostly purposeless I say because there is a benefit in my being from the act of creation. However, that benefit is multiplied many-fold when the act is completed, when I give out what I write or make, when others see it or read it or hear it—it has a purpose, my expression gains a greater existence and reality.

With that, I’ll close. None of you are expecting this email. Some of you are also new to the group. What I’ve said thus far explains things pretty well.

There will be more. If you don’t want more, simply respond. I don’t mind removing anyone from the list who doesn’t wish to be on it. What I would mind more—theoretically—is not being told by someone that they wish to receive no more. I’d rather not be a bother. That relies on your honesty.

Past writings are posted on thisoldnewsletter-blog.tumblr.com, and it will continue to be updated with postings of those which are sent out here.

 As I said, the first one is long. It’s good, but it is long. I don’t care if you read it or not, but generally I’ve been keeping writings short—so you know what to expect.

The first—included below—is an introduction. Introductions can be appropriately long. It supplements the light introduction just-given. It’s entirely different, but all I’ve said is also an introduction. So here’s a twofer.

Without readers, without audience—as I’ve outlined above—this work, my work, is incomplete. I am immensely fulfilled by its completion. What you do, just by reading what I write, means more to me than I think most people understand. It’s my voice. This is my platform. Without it, my voice…goes unheard. Yes, I have other voices—I do speak—but this, writing alone, from my heart, is a voice that otherwise goes unheard, unpracticed outside of this arena. It’s easier to write it than it is to speak it. And not often does the opportunity for such expression arrive—it’s really very limited to this platform. So I am grateful to you for reading and allowing said voice to exist.

Thank you very much.

Peter Sebastian Havens _____________________________

To quote the Great Mulla Nasruddin, “Always and in Everything, strive to attain—at the same time—what is useful for others, and what is pleasant for oneself.”

It is with that direction I aim now to write. There is much I could say that might entertain—narratives and personal histories of pleasure and pain, hardships and victories—there is much of which I could speak—I spend the much of my time learning and acquiring knowledge in areas that interest me vastly. I could tell you what I know or what I’ve done. It might be pleasant for myself to do either—I find nearly every moment to be quite pleasant, some of which—with regard to that quality in me which is predisposed to having a pleasant time—I attribute to seeing much importance in everything I do—a secret of mine, not because I dare not disclose it to others, but because many are unwilling to entertain the fact that every of our moments in our lives are of equal significance—and therefor rightfully deserve, each of those moments, the same amount of energy and attention—if the two refer to different things, however slight that difference is—input from our observation, or, if you will, participation—however you like. And so, it may indeed be pleasant for me. What is useful for others—according to what I’ve said, everything is useful. The matter—regards…direction. There is no negative direction, but there is, as we say, a wrong way. Many people drive. If you should be driving, most commonly there is a designated destination. Imagine you are mindlessly traveling in the opposite direction of your designated destination—there is music, you are talking, you are “manning the wheel,” you think not of where you go. Or you are listening to the news, and—so caught up—you miss an appropriate turn—or you, outraged, follow a car in order that they catch glimpse of your inappropriate gestural response to their driving. You find yourself traveling in the opposite direction of where lies your destination—or you become aware that you’ve been misled—or that you’ve, for some reason, led yourself astray and you have a destination.

Let us be timely. Movement is useful—it exercises freedom; will. It is always of use. But the matter, regards…making use of your time. There are endless scenarios in which happenstance brought upon by mistake serves its use. I need not get into them.

I am modeling my writing, now, off of a choreographer. I mean it literally. A wonderful choreographer. Who knows better how to organize movement correctly, with the utmost precision, and in a timing that must be impeccable lest it lose the rhythm and the tempo—he composed human movement in specific ways—with the most minute detail in every movement, by every performer—and aligned it with music so appropriately that he was able to bring together such components in a way that demonstrated life in ways that, well, demonstrated mastery. What better a model could one use.

Imagine now, that I am choreographing a dance. A dance that serves ritualistic value, or simply in which the accurate, appropriate alignment of the dancer’s, their movements, and the music to which they move, speaks. It resonates—it fits some ideal pattern inherent in truest nature. It speaks.

Now, I could be a playwright.  I could have played out and demonstrated a narrative of my life, something that tells a story, something that speaks because it succumbs to words to keep the audience mind at attention. There could be a moral, or some teaching I’ve learned in my life—something profound—but it would not be sacred.

Nature makes the most amazing patterns—ideal shapes, harmony in its ideal form, greatness beyond that which can be told through a narrative.

I could re-enact the life of Jesus on stage—but it wouldn’t speak, its form wouldn’t speak. Thus, it’s not the words—the greatest harmony, and the greatest sentiment, the deepest rhythm of which you can be a part, is through an experience that is beyond words. Words and rhythm can be brought into harmonic patterns—they can be orchestrated to achieve something greater than which can be said. Words choreographed can display something larger than narratives, or information, or poetry. Bricks used to serve a purpose. They were invented for it—they were stacked—and there were master bricklayers, there are still phenomenal bricklayers. Pyramids, the Brooklyn bridge—how many people died constructing the Brooklyn bridge? Homes, cathedrals—I lived in an area of Spain that was famous for its bricks—Spain, historically, has been very rich. They don’t have much money now, but there are remnants all over of their richness. The center of the city enforced a law—because it was so known for being a city filled with this beautiful gold brick—large bricks, not the small red American bricks—that all building done in the center of the town—what we’d call downtown—all had to be done with this specific type of stone. For hundreds of years—many hundreds, for the university in that town is among the three oldest in Europe—over 800 years old—the town has been recognized for their great structures and their beautiful stone bricks. Among the most beautiful cathedrals in all of Europe—is one of the two that are in this town. It is home to countless architectural marvels—all done with the same stone bricks. The city population is around 160 or 180 thousand, 80 thousand of which are students. There are two major universities there, both extraordinary. The number of bricks in the 900 year old first cathedral is portrayed in an architectural sketch of the structure which is seen in my bedroom. Between domes, arches, columns, figures—facades, beautiful, beautiful facades—and hundreds of feet of tower height, this required master bricklayers. Still the undertaking seems impossible to me—but there it stands.

So much went into making these buildings—Spain is filled with very old, wonderful, fantastic cathedrals and palaces, convents, monasteries. They’re from a time—well, Philippe of Portugal—Portugal at a time had actually conquered a huge part of the world—they rivaled only one other country in the quantity or vastness of their conquered lands, and that was Spain, their neighbor—also, two tiny countries that fit on a peninsula about the size of southern California. But look how many countries speak Spanish! 21, outside of Spain. Portuguese—some. Derivations of one of the two or both—quite a few. The Philippines were named after this Philippe of Portugal. Well, when Portugal was at its height of world-conquery-ship, Spain was too—and happened to find itself in the hands of a nice young lady of royal birth. So—doesn’t take a genius—Isabela of Spain married Philippe of Portugal, and they got so much free labor and gold. Growing up in California, part of fourth grade involves visiting some of the 27 missions built here by the Spaniards, by which I mean they directed the construction of said missions. Amazingly, they still stand today. They used mud and twigs dried in the sun to build these missions nearly 500 years ago, using only something like straw—straw, I believe—for roofs which not only covered the rooms built by brick, but covered the bricks from being reintroduced to moisture via the rain which would have rendered them back to their pre-dried elemental nature. They would have melted—so it’s amazing that these still stand. A testament of the skill of the natives. Back home in Spain, that native gold went into bricklaying of an entirely different type—though both types were said to be religious—and you can still be amazed at the construction of the bricklayers’ and architects’ doing. It’s a great example of architecture at its best.

Bricks, though, have changed over time. Not those particular bricks set in place hundreds of years ago—those remain largely unchanged. But modern day, bricks carry connotation. Bricks are reminiscent of old construction on the east coast, ivy league schools and their imitators—this is red, small bricks I’m speaking of—and a peculiar sense of posh ghetto. Philadelphia, once called the world’s factory—or something to that nature—is now full of long-since empty, uninhabited brick structures that served as the workplace for the largest population of factory workers in the world. Now, they’re largely inhabited by heroin addicts. Philadelphia is home to, now, what may be the largest Heroin epidemic in the world. Old factories and buildings on the west coast, made of brick, make a famous backdrop for graffiti. I had a good friend growing up who boasted of his cousin’s skill with spray-paints. She had done in more bedrooms than just her own, using only spray-paint, a decorative art that involved painting one of the walls—inside the bedroom—in such a way, with much precision and care, that the wall, regardless of color, was made to look as though it had been made of small red bricks—and not freshly laid, but the façade was made to look like an old brick wall, as if from a building that no longer belongs, to then serve as the backdrop for the great graffiti art that she would then place on top of this brick façade. Bricks carry connotation—very, very specific connotation, specific to different regions all over the earth. In the Spanish town I referred to, the bricks are so important that it is against the law to use any other building material in the heart of that city—it is so known for its use of those stone bricks, the city would suffer a loss if that image were distorted. There, bricks are regal, elegant, golden, expensive, handcrafted and carefully laid. Spain is full of wonderful architecture—entire cities being the color of the stone used for their bricks, which were used to build bridges, palaces, convents, churches, cathedrals. In Italy, the old city of Siena has given us a color—the color of the town, of the bricks used to build it—and a name for it. I remember using crayons in the fourth and fifth grades, one crayon in particular, that was a somewhat awful shade of brown and burnt orange. That’s what the city looks like, that’s why the color’s called Siena. Throughout time—the great wall of China, famous bridges in London, Italy, Greece, and all over Europe, homes for people of many times and in almost all places, structures, religious architecture, aqueducts, walled cities, streets, sidewalks, towers, palaces, ruins, fortresses, temples, on and on and on—bricks have built great things, things of all shapes, types, sizes, and epochs. In each region, bricks now carry specific meaning. Like the tower of Babel. Bricks in ancient Egypt are about as far from our idea—in the modern U.S.—of bricks as one could get. Ask an ancient Egyptian what a brick is. To describe how it’s used, how it’s laid the foundation for their culture, religion, traditions, and fame. The empire of Egypt lasted at the least 3000 years. The Sphinx is known to be much older than—what, Egypt lasted until about 500 CE—4500 years old—there’s water corrosion on it. Between all of their brick structures, bricks played a literal and figurative huge role in their culture and everyday life. If the Jews were used as slaves to build the pyramids, what would a Jew at that time feel about bricks—especially considering that they weigh(ed) 80-100 tons. To inner city youth, Brooklyn natives, Philadelphians, and rich kids in southern California who have a talent for recreating the “urban,” and a desire to do so, bricks have different meaning.

A brick is not universally interpreted in the same way. I could show a small red brick to an ancient Egyptian and they’d scratch their head. I could bring a 100 ton yellow rectangular prism into the heart of Los Angeles and nobody would have the idea that if we got some more of these we could build something really great.

But cathedrals, and bridges, and pyramids—all of these are magnificent. And no matter the rectangular prism you imagine when you hear the word “brick,” and no matter if you understand the English word itself or can identify the system of alphabet at all—what people have built with bricks, regardless of time, has the ability to astonish, captivate, and mesmerize—inspire—people no matter where they’re from, how they speak, how they read, or how they don’t speak and don’t read—those structures speak universally, and are lost not to time.

That is a composition of bricks.

The composition, not just the brick, has a voice—adds voice—to the collection of, in this case, bricks. Brick may have one meaning, but composed, more bricks can bring an unspoken meaning to each individual brick, and the collection of bricks as a whole. Bringing and arranging other bricks can shape the meaning of what is otherwise just a brick. If I add a word next to brick, its meaning changes. Egyptian brick versus Spanish brick. And who I say it to brings further meaning. A Jew in ancient Egypt and a central American in the 1500s would find personal meaning in one but likely not both. But that meaning, that personal meaning, is beyond words—outside of words. It might take a book to describe that meaning, but still it would only touch it. It might set the background of a feeling—of what that personal feeling is—the events leading up to it, the people’s history with the item, the bricks, what they associate with it—but to feel how they feel when they are sparked by such a term, by something that has so much meaning to them—that may have defined their lives, shaped their days, been the magnetic center of their being and society, around which all things gravitate and orbit. To each of them, it relates to a structure, and it’s not expressed in a word. The word is but brick. It is the compositional essence, the essence given by the composite as a whole, as shaped by its composition. Of this we speak. Choreographers of words, mastering the art of the dancing bricks like synchronized swimmers—individually without meaning, synergistically combined: an igloo in the snow, a pyramid in the desert.

I referred to Salamanca—the town in Spain. 900 years ago the first cathedral was built. To this day, it is seen for miles and miles before reaching the city. And still, today, there is nothing around Salamanca. There is a river, yes, and a cathedral—two cathedrals—on the river. The second was added adjoining the first, 500 years ago—like Isabelle and the left side of the Iberian Peninsula—combining the left and right, the male and female. For miles, today, and even more so almost 1000 years ago, the structure designates something, a spot—someplace special. It’s between Portugal and Madrid—Madrid being the exact geographic center of the peninsula. There’s not a lot else out there—near Salamanca. But an hour outside, on the freeway—so for maybe a week on foot, or for days at the least, one would see it as they approached—marked by the bell tower of the cathedral. 100 years after that the university of Salamanca was made—but more pronounced than the long-alive student atmosphere of the town is eternal thrive of religious life. Convents and monasteries dot the town. Churches lie on every block. 2 cathedrals. But it’s not that—I mean, to say convents and monasteries and churches doesn’t do them justice. They’re remarkable—some of them rival the façade of the new Cathedral. One doesn’t often see nuns or monks—even visiting their monasteries and convents, which is weird. But one sees their convents and monasteries everywhere.

The cathedral marked this town for miles and miles. It still marks an empty religious presence—beautiful facades and I’m not being facetious. A town where exist battle churches—the town that marks the point on the peninsula that the Muslims didn’t conquer when they invaded the peninsula. Along a line that made the border lies Salamanca—below that was Muslim for almost 700 years—but Salamanca not.

One battle church I used to see a lot—it occupied the center of a square, a plaza, where lived a good friend of mine. They still held services there, last I was there. It was cylindrical, with thin slit windows thru which arrows could safely be shot out but not enter. It was such a strange building. I saw it a lot, but still it never quite became familiar. A round cylinder building in the center of a square, amidst square buildings, holding mass on Sundays where mean looking, dried out and wrinkled old faces would attend, stuffed inside this can of a building with no real windows. All at once it would end, and they’d all come flooding out, as if to breathe the air.

I always imagined it must be very dark in there. Even more-so before electricity—huddled inside a compact, dark can—a fortified church. No air or light, staying inside to protect from what could be without. Shooting safely from within, safe within this little tin can building battle-church of God. No light anywhere.

#bricklayer #brick #cathedral #church #peter sebastian #havens #thisoldnewsletter #attention

[stellacarrierinheaven]

Stella Carrier in Heaven Afterlife Journal Entry 16- Freestyle Story Tuesday  March 14, 2017  Doors of Opportunity Freestyle Story by Stella Carrier

I understand that this is not my usual heaven scenario journal, yet my intuition and logical influenced me to try this.

 Stella Carrier in Heaven Afterlife Journal Entry 16- Freestyle Story Tuesday  March 14, 2017  Doors of Opportunity Freestyle Story by Stella Carrier

I Call Upon What I Imagine To Be The Influence of Benevolent Spirits From the Heavenly Realms, my higher self, and my celestial spirit ally team for creativity in both my writings and all other areas of my life both present and future

 Affirmations

https://www.orindaben.com/pages/rooms/affirmations_room/

My psychic abilities expand each day.

I am creating heaven on earth.

I am a radiant being of light.

My path and life's work are my highest priorities.

I trust my intuition.

 I follow my life purpose as it unfolds from moment to moment. I choose my highest path each moment.

I ask my higher self and soul to show me answers and solutions.

I have a clear connection to my guide.

I wake up full of joy. I look forward to my day.

I know what I came to earth to do, and I am now doing it.

 Songs To Be Used In This Entry

Spirits by the Strumbellas

Take Me To Church by Hozier

Additional Resources

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/obama-and-buffett-went-to-lunch-and-heres-who-picked-up-the-tab-2017-03-13?mod=mw_share_google

Obama and Buffett went to lunch, and here’s who picked up the tab

NSO Pops: 

Sophisticated Ladies: 100 Years of Ella & Company

 https://www.kennedy-center.org/calendar/event/NRPSE?gclid=COqXjMG-1tICFYiKswodxy0DBA

http://www.vogue.com/article/michelle-obama-masterchef-junior-appearance-exclusive-first-look

Michelle Obama’s Appearance on MasterChef Junior Will Make Your Day: An Exclusive First Look

 http://www.thewrap.com/michelle-obama-wrote-black-ish-star-yara-shahidi-a-college-recommendation-letter/

Michelle Obama Wrote ‘Black-ish’ Star Yara Shahidi a College Recommendation Letter

Feel It Real Book by Denise Coates page 200 Visit Your Future Self Exercise

Start time 122 pm

End time 202 pm

To My Heavenly Spiritual Ally Team Based in the Afterlife Journal Entry 16-Started Tuesday March 14, 2017

My future self is relaxing on a white patio beach chair near some house. I do notice that I am thinner but I only wish that I can make out the timeframe and where I am living. I noticed that one of my family members has brought their children with to come and visit. I finally have my own paid for house but before I can glance around to glean more details, some type of golden shield is placed in front of me for what I understand is to be my own temporary protection.

         However, I manage to let the golden shield down by pledging to only take three minutes or less with my queries. I startle my future self by showing up, especially since I realized that I somehow got into her dreams and she transported both of us to  some front entrance of a type of red, orange, blue, and violet castle with a beautiful rainbow outside. The song Spirits by Strumbellas plays as I intuitively realize that I now only have 2 minutes and 30 seconds to question her before one of the children of her family members innocently wakes her up to ask for her help in putting on an episode of the season 3 of Adventure Time

I ask my future self;

What do I most need to know to create my desires?

My Future Self’s Answer; You must know that it is no accident that you stumbled across two articles pertaining to the President and his wife within a 72 hour time period as they are each related to your goals in some way. There are some who may judge what you are doing but have compassion for them as they do not understand your life purpose, as what you are doing is also partly for your supporters and some people who are going to glean inspiration from what you write around 7-8 years from now. The article showing former President  Obama and Warren Buffett is actually a fun way for the writer and artist in you to get a feel of environments that can serve as ideas for your writing and gentle encouragement as to the type of food that your body has been craving to reach your weight loss goals (the types of salad). The Masterchef Junior article is also a way to give you more ideas for your writing and give you a glimpse into your life purpose within 7-8 years from now or less (yet different from the way you expect , yet you will realize what I mean within the next 5 days or less especially after you watch the episode).

What Does it Feel Like To Have These Desires Fulfilled? My Future Self’s Answer; Think of How Happy the Female feels in the article pertaining to the fact that she received a college recommendation later from Michelle Obama. This is how happy I am going to feel if you finally follow my guidance to take at least one college class by September 2018 (ideally January 2018 or sooner) regardless of how people treat you andor judge/react towards you in your personal life andor professional life for doing so. I know that I am sounding so blunt but it is for your own good. You have been given what are actually valid and good ideas on going back to school for a second bachelor’s degree and where to live long-term by the year 2020 that are in alignment with your life purpose. You also heard right when you heard the song Take Me To Church by Hozier  less than 2-3 weeks ago when you realized that you need to go back to church on Sundays even if it means a little less sleep for you before you head to work on Sundays (you are being guided to go back to church to be among your spiritual tribe so to speak, and try to go the weekend events that they host when you can). Two final pieces of advice; tonight when you get home from work I want you to open another email account where you script your ideal life that only you are to see in this email account for right now. However, make it PG-13 rated when you do this,especially for the first 90 days as you would be surprised who in both the federal government and outside the federal government have access to reading your e-mails even when you just send the emails to yourself andor your other email accounts. You might be given guidance later on to be more uninhibited, key word Might, but for now especially the first 90-120 days or longer PG-13 rated. Before doing that, go to one of your past blog entries and script your ideal life both from the vantage point of residing in the Virginia Beach/Norfolk Virginia area visiting both Washington D.C. and Los Angeles and another entry showing a reality of you visiting the Virginia Beach/Norfolk Virginia area, Los Angeles and other areas from you living andor working in College Park Maryland. Use the Kennedy Center website link you were given (showing the three women) as a guide for the types of friendship and places you would visit.You are going to be judged andor mocked by many others for doing this but this is going to help you more than you know, and other people who look at your writings 7-8 years from now or less. I know that this may be a lot I am asking but try to do one more mini freestyle story tonight before doing all of this. All of these activities are going to raise your money vibration around the concern you feel as to what you are to do financially between May 17, 2016 to August 14, 2017. Additionally, I know that you wondering what to tell your student loan providers but tell them the truth about what you may face during these three months, you may find that they are more understanding of your situation than you realize. Last, but not least, the psychic that you are scheduled to talk to this week over the phone only wants to help you and is tapped into the celestial/spiritual benevolence and divine light of heaven. Carefully listen to what she has to say even if the idea of following her guidance may make you initially feel unstable (as in the quote you hear from West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys). However, please take into account what she has to say as she has been an author herself and understands some of what you are going through and she truly wants to help you even if you have been burned by a psychic before when you were in the military (do not ever publicly talk about the true life experience with this psychic for karma reasons for both of your sakes). However, know that the psychic you are scheduled to talk to this week is the real deal, is heart centered like yourself, and has a benevolent intent and determination to provide powerful psychic guidance that is in line with what your higher self and spirit ally team would give (if members for your heaven’s spirit ally team were currently residing in the U.S. during your current lifetime).

Before I could ask my future self any further questions, my future self comes towards me to give me a hug and merge vibrationally with me to help me become more of her that has already followed this guidance. The reason why she did this was due to her increased intuitive awareness that one of my family members andor friends children is about to wake her up (she is more intuitive beyond my wildest dreams)

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