#bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition

[mainfaggot]

another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies

#i almost had an argument w my mother over nothing at one point bc i was so anxious about nothing and everything at once and well #i keep thinking. idk what im doing anything for anymore #like when we were arguing i was like wait what if she brings up how shes giving me a ride to uni multiple times this week #and then i was like wait if she says that. I'll just tell her not to. and then ill skip class. and then ill drop my classes and get a refund #and then ill drop out of uni. and then ill kill myself! #mind you i was thinking about all of this and the argument didnt even go in that direction in the end bc it was over very quickly #ljke. what ks wrong with me #i keep thinking that if my parents get pissed at me for being good for nothing despite me trying my hardest not to be #i really will end it all finally like Actually #bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition #theyre too nice to me #i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree #and i know they expect that I'll take care of them when theyre old bc in their ideal. imagined. scenario. i 1) dont off myself in the next #few years 2) am not a lesbian who ruins the whole family dynamic by coming out and 3) get a well paying job and a husband #so. so yeah #but right NOW theyre nice to me and they take care of me but also i think everything is pointless but i try anyway because they take care #of me and they want me to be well but how am i supposed to be Get Well if i don't believe in myself #like i dont think thats possible really. #maybe a tiny bit? like maybe i won't be Well but i can be better. yeah i can do that #so i guess thats why im still trying #but then it's like. being Better is so. marginally different from being at rock bottom in a way #like yeah its significant improvement clinically but to me it's still casually miserable in its own unique way bc it's better but its still #very much present lingering choking me etc #so that brings me to the following: #im trying so hard but for what exactly? 'just keep going!' but at what cost? but why when im still like this? #z.post