#i know i cant really do shit cause they have to SEE

[notedchampagne]

Honestly i also think that a lot of the romanticization of Ianthe vs infantilization/fear mongering of harrowhark is also that like... We don't really get to see Ianthe suffer the nastier parts of shit mental health. Like, we know she cries to sleep, for like a line or two, but we're not pressed against her intimacies and the inside of her head (hehehe pun intended) like we are with harrow.

It's easy to infantilize Harrowhark because we get to see her struggling, we get to see the thought processes that lead to her lashing out, we get to see her suffering through. Well, basically everything, more than we see her putting on the dignity, and even when we do, we generally get to see the lead up, or we are with someone who responds in kind (thanks gideon).

With Ianthe we basically *only* get the facade, even when the Issues Are Blatant, and even if when she lashes out she does her utmost best to seem in control, much like harrow. The other characters do Not Give A Shit, so neither do we, as readers, feel naturally inclined to it.

Plus like. I might be reaching, but sometimes i feel like tlt fandom needs a character to be "pathetic", or to suffer, in order to... Idk how to word this bc englishs not my first language, but essentially pay penance? In the fandom I see a lot of people who feel Uncomfortable recalling their fave did bad shit, and like, needing to either justify it for themselves or others by going "oh look how she suffers", essentially infantilizing their characters so they don't have to acknowledge the worst edges, which is a choice, I guess. They not only do this with Harrowhark, but also with Gideon, Pyrrha, Mercymorn, etc.

They also do the opposite, by rejecting the possibility of suffering for characters they consider evil, most notably with John. It's not possible for them to be over their heads, or for them to have made a mistake. Either they were deliberately planning it, or they deserved it somehow, or their actions *later* meant they retroactively deserved it, and may be pointed as the cause for it happening.

Which is... Uncomfortable, to say the least, even if I'm only latine.

anyways. TDLR: People should just say they look really fucking cool dripping with blood and determined. At this point ill even take an I support women's wrongs/woman's right to murder or whatever

Sorry for going in a tangent on your askbox or of this doesnt make sense its like nearly two am and i cant sleep

this is very real and leans into what ive observed in fandom as well! tlt is a house party full of morally gray characters but i feel like when we are panicked to discuss someone being "evil" or otherwise the two closest avenues are infantilization/reduction (i can fix him, theyre pathetic they cant do anything right im protecting them) or full villainy (i like them Because theyre evil, irredeemable, they deserved it so i dont care)

hope you sleep soon

#talking back

[rapidhighway]

for the love of everything that is holy can my roommates invest in desk lamps usually im not even very opinionated about The Big Light but dear god my eyes are getting blasted with big light 24/7 over here

#one of them will just fucking #turn it on when everyone else is in bed????? cause she can't see #USE YOU FLASHLIGHT WHAT IS YOUR PHONE FOR #WE. LITERALLY. WENT. TO. CASTORAMA. TO. BUY. LAMPS. #AND SHE DECIDED SHE DIDNT WANT ONE #IVE BEEN SUFFERING SINCE DAY ONE #my new roommate at least has a night light she usually uses but then she doesnt have a desk lamp so whenever she's doing soethign at her #desk i get blasted by 100000000 lumens #pleas PLEASE STOP OMFG #i know i cant really do shit cause they have to SEE #BUY A FUCKING LAMP DEAR GOD #and you know what. #they have the brightest part of the room #while my desk is sitting in the furthest part from the windows #I ACTUALLY CANT SEE SHIT

[lunarharp]

if i just told you i love you would this world change

#witch hat tag #orufrey #these kinda suck lol i feel like i cant draw right now *irritated sigh* BUT I FEEL EMOTIONS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #if you are gay go watch good omens season 2 right now. NO YOU DONT KNOW THO!!!!!!!!! #i know being this affected by good omens is probably cringe. I dont care any more. the last 1 minute of good omens season 2 was #some of the most affecting acting i've ever seen in my life. sometimes someone acts with the force as if their entire career led to that #like during the credits part the very end im not even talking about before that. holy god #aziraphale i know everything about you. i know what you are feeling right now. i can see everything on your face. we're going to make it #ER.... NOT THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS POST. IT'S NOT SPOILERS !!!!!!!!!!!!! #I JUST FEEL THOROUGHLY CHANGED !!!!!!!!!!! SHIT GETS REAL FROM NOW ON.. LIKE IN GENERAL! IN MY LIFE! #tormented gay love tormented gay love TORMENTED GAY LOVE TORMENTED GAY LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #btw the first 3 images were drawn earlier with an entirely different feeling and an entirely different mood. #Why do you keep pulling away from me? #It is because i love you that i do this #the lyrics from one of my japanese orufrey songs (A SONG THAT THE CREATOR LISTENS TO!!!!) led to feelings #“あなたが知らない私を残さず見ててほしいの” but i'm not translating it cause it just sounds weird. if with his eyes oru's asking “WHY don't you want #to let me in? to see all of you?“ those lyrics are like ”I actually want you to see every last bit of the parts of me you don't know“ #oru you have no idea how much i want to lay bare my whole soul for you #maybe it's an alternate version of chapter 40. to me #i need to draw something really fucking good or i'm not going to forgive myself. i will not rest in this life #until i have made the orufrey that fully satisfies me nor until i have seen what the manga is leading to #NO STORY MEANS ANYTHING WITHOUT TORMENTED GAY LOVE AT THE HEART OF IT. THATS THE HEART OF THIS WORLD!!!!! #........... so Hi im normal :) haha *goes and finally makes breakfast*

[spaciebabie]

As a certified Springtrap simp, which backstory for William do you prefer: one where he was a good dad driven mad maybe by jealousy or the loss of his youngest child, or one where he was always an abusive narcisist that cared for nobody but himself?

i feel like the, "im evil so i must also abuse my creations and/or children" has been really overdone. like idk im just tired of seeing it personally. and the whole "haha!!! im craaaazy!!" thing we get in the comics also rubs me the wrong way b/c. thats not. how he's portrayed in the games at all. esp hearing him in sister location he feels like he would be a calm sort of madness. he seems like a rational guy. he doesnt talk like that. he doesnt act like that. it seems really contradictory

i feel like him being a good dad (or at the least caring deeply for his children) gives him more urgency and like,,,,makes sense w/what we're given. it aligns the most w/the theories we have asta why he started killing etc. i also just enjoy the tragedy of it. he started out as a good guy w/good intentions and then was twisted inta something unrecognizable b/c he was so focused on tryin ta reach his goal. personally my hc is that he was jelly of henry and then the death of crying child tipped him over the edge and started his whole killing thing. imo its better than, "hee hoo i was evil FOREVER!! im PURE evil and have always been EVIL!!!" like. okay. wheres the subsistence?? give him depth dammit

why would he build a robot for his daughter if he didnt love her. why would he tell crying child he would put him back together if he didnt love him (not really cemented as something he said, but i mean who else would say it?? certainly not michael he was a boy. i think as a fandom we assume its heavily implied). it makes the afton kid's deaths so much more impactful. the prospect of this man losing pieces of his life bit by bit and being driven insane by it is enthralling

i love a good chaotic descent. i love thinking abt him being consumed w/a need ta revive his own son becoming obsessed w/life and death as a result. oh the irony of loving your own kid so much you would take others children away from them, knowing how losing your own felt. and the twisting of emotions as he sees his son michael someone who he would've died for, try ta stop him. b/c hes not understanding, they need ta b together again. thats all hes tryin ta do. get his family back tagether. and all these fucking obstacles are in the way of his only goal. and the manifestation of hatred of his own son b/c of this. b/c hes getting in his way. like, talk abt juicy. i want that man ruined. it just adds a layer of psychological torture that i just adore. william fucking ruined everything. he ruined his own happy family, he ruined his own life, and if he actually mourns that? chefs kiss.

my thought is, why even have him have a family in the first place if they're just there ta demonstrate he's evil? seeing the afton family purely as a plot device, we already know afton killed kids. one can assume a person who kills kids is a bad person (maybe? see this is where the juiciness comes in w/him caring for his children. is it really bad from his perspective if hes trying ta save his kid? or is it noble?) so we dont need ta b demonstrated ta that hes a bad person again. if hes just pure evil from the get go it doesnt make sense ta me ta have the afton kids be prominent in the story (besides michael, but even then he could probably be replaced by one of the victims family members) when you could illustrate the same point by focusing on the kids hes killed and their families. why do the afton kids matter if he treats all children the same. why are we focusing so much on the afton family and what appear ta b major story beats in their story, especially since the children he has killed do not get as fleshed out as the aftons do. i feel like if his family wasnt important ta him we wouldnt hear abt it at all. you could achieve the same message by making him single and childless.

do u kno how many stories there are of "Righteous Child Of A Horrible Guy Who Hates Everything, Even Their Own Family, Goes Out Ta Stop Their Parent And Save The Day" there are? its b/c its too easy!!! its too easy for u ta assume that a character is the worst and has been the worst forever!!! its too easy ta assume that an evil character would abuse their family!!! its too easy ta assume an evil character wouldn't have traits besides jealousy, hatred and narcissism!!!!

#spacie splains #idk i think of things really objectively #i dont like clutter in my stories i like things ta have a point #and i like them ta serve a purpose and be unique. not just demonstrate the same facts over and over again #unless thats like a theme and intentional but yk #like i said i dont like the 'im evil and treat my family like shit' trope #overdone ta hell and back #so its a personal thing #thank you for asking me abt this! i love talking abt him as u can see :) #give me morally grey characters give me characters who descend inta the worst version of themselves for ways they could have prevented #give me characters who know they're spiraling give me characters who know its wrong but cant stop #give me characters who do horrible things for a cause that is sentimental and noble ta them #give me characters who you can understand why they did that even if it was awful #WOW I TALKED A LOT #.....8 years of brainrot‚ even if i wasnt conscious of it #I DONT LIKE THE EASY ROAD!!! I DONT WANT TA BLINDLY HATE HIM I WANT 2 THINK!!! #i like these rants i do so ill tag him #as a treat ta myself #william afton #fnaf #you: ask me a simple 'hey which one do u prefer?' me: here is my whole dissertation on the subject that is william afton

[todayisafridaynight]

would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol

i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki

#snap chats #haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant #anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much #i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do #fine lets get Real Talk about it #well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there #and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway #i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls #like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it #that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji// #like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence #smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on #its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP #i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode #especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much #i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught #aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up #and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful #his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry. #his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore #like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene #plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too.... #idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL #i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀 #maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO #thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever

[cherry-shipping]

yawn. im going to bed but i wanted to say that im thinking of maybe MAYBE doing something REALLY TERRIFYING. and writing some selfship stuff. which ive never done before…… but i think IF i do then ill do it in thhe format of a screenplay because then i wont have to worry about futzing with all those other words. ive never written before though but id like to have some of my daydreams saved somehow and theyre too long to draw, and stuff……. also it might be good for my crippling performance anxiety. so thats a bonus

#cherry chats #people including me always forget about my performance anxiety…… like EVERYONE forgets how bad it really is #or alternatively they assume it isnt as bad as it is because im so good at explaining it and im verbose and articulate and whatever #meanwhile its like. i stopped doing schoolwork when i was 10 and then i dropped out when i was 12. and to this day i havent finished my #friggin elementary education……. i cant talk if someone suggests anything where i might have to perform and im like this close to dropping #out of my special ed school……… i cant do SHIT. i cant LOOK at a google doc without bursting into tears. it SUUUUUUUUCKSSSS #and tragically the only way to really overcome any of this is cognitive behavioral therapy. so anyway writing would be good for me #and it might be easier knowing nobodys ever gonna see it‚ too #its sorta like all the drawings ive made in the past year where ive been too depressdd to draw like i used to #nobodys gonna see em. im sure theres people whod LIKE to see em. but they wont cause it takes the pressure off a lil #anyway. i might do that soon Or i might not either way its worth a try

[daydadahlias]

WAIT WHERES MIM?!?! PLEASE TELL ME YOU’LL RELEASE THAT ONE AGAIN PLEASE

I need you guys to understand that the reason I took down my stuff was for my own peace of mind because they're my stories and i started feeling unsafe having them out because of how they - and I - were being treated.

absolutely nothing is wrong with mim and I love that fic and I care so much about it which is why - for my peace of mind - i want it to belong to only me rn. I know the fic was only out a month after i finished it and that really upsets me about taking it down. i want to reupload it because i know people like the fic and i love sharing my stuff but also there's that level of how much the fic matters to me and how much more devastating it makes it when people are cruel. and how much it hurts when I, as the creator of something, am treated like I don't matter at all and that my stuff can so easily be stolen or copied. like, it's an extension of me, yknow? You can't separate content and creator in such a small and intimate sphere as fandom. like, you guys all use my first name when referring to me, yknow?? there's that sense of connection. and since it's such an intimate space, having that trust be betrayed or disrespected is so much more potent than if we were in a large fandom with a lot of creators.

the fear of having MiM copied is really immense and real for me rn and i know that's potentially me being overly paranoid but considering the Amount of times this has started to happen - and how blatantly rude and nasty and entitled readers have been getting with me and other creators over the last year - it's definitely not out of the realm of possibility.

MiM wasn't written for readers, it was written for me. and i shared it because i wanted to and that was wonderful. but to have any of my stuff stepped on so much just doesn't make me feel very safe in this fandom space rn and makes it hard to let people have access to something that matters so much to me.

I'm not saying MiM has been deleted forever, I'm just saying i want some more time for it to be mine.

#like i thought about not uploading scene 14 too especially bc she HAS been stolen verbatim before but. #at this point it just feels too late bc so many people have already read it #yeah i have a lot of conflicting feelings and im not saying i'll never repost mim but i just need some more time with her yknow???? #like she matters a *lot* to me. and im allowed to be a little finicky with her #and this has been just so. immensely hurtful lately #like i spent most of the weekend crying my eyes out over this stuff because it's just so. hard. to consistently share things #and *have* consistently shared things for three years #and to actively *see* the change that's been occuring in this fandom where people just started treating content like it was consumable #and dispensable. and then started just *expecting* things from me and demanding fics or being pointblank rude and like... #i just dont have time for it yknow?? #this stuff is supposed to be *fun*. i do it in my free time and share it with strangers for free bc i want to share the fun with others #and when people start disrespecting that. it makes it hard #like ive had so much more fun in the last week writing fic solely for myself and *not* sharing it than i have in. like. the last month #bc whenever i share fic publicly now. i know im going to have to deal with people potentially stealing it. #or not giving a shit about it and just asking when the next thing is coming. or going on twitter and ? talking about me publicly #where i cant even see it #like it's just been *so* many things lately. and it's hard when this is something i should only be doing to make me happy. #and it's been causing me sm stress instead. #and the fact that i took a week off tumblr and like. i got several pretty?? shitty asks?? that really undermined my feelings on everything. #and made it about themselves like #i dont know how to explain to you guys that we're all people and the whole point of fandom is to *share* with each other #not take. #so yeah i want to be able to share my stuff again and feel comfortable doing that but right now i just dont #and im gonna. get off my soapbox now ok <3 #the biggest thing is that. people act so overly familiar with me by calling me jess in asks and comments and acting like they know me #and then somehow. they are also so mean and devaluing of me? i cant really make sense of it. #ok enough of me. talking about myself. and venting #pigeon #anon

[homophyte]

it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?

#myposts #this is long and honestly probably Nothing #i dont even really have a way of proving its the same group of people saying both things except fro anecdotally seeing it #and even thats not proof either is a real social force with like power. i could be entirely wrong on every count here #but i do think theres something to the idea that like #as ive seen said #yknow 'ace discourse never ended you all just accepted ace people didnt deserve support and then moved on w those views internalized' #i think thats more broadly true for like. all those discourses i mentioned. and for the transmisogyny i alluded to #but honestly i dont even want to name the specific phenomenon im talking abt there bc those people. scare me. #but yknow ill say it ive felt way more pressure lately to not call myself pan than i did at the height of pan discourse #before it became cringe to care about it and instead of actively shitting on pan ppl we moved on to passively doing it #ive largely started just. calling myself bi to avoid the arguement. which i predicted i would have to do years ago #and now look at me doing it! not really a fluke that its happening now. i think #which isnt to say were moving 'backwards' per se but that these ideas are not now and never have been really challenged #so weve just internalized their logics--reactionary logics--and its having an interesting effect now that we need a progressive community #for our safety. #now we cant say anything about it because to bring it up is jeopardizing everything weve built and the people were keeping safe! #cause we dont count as people deserving of safety were disruptors who only belong when we dont make noise. idk. or thats how i feel #again i dont really know if this is true at all im more just...thinking through it i think #basically like what im seeing--i think--comes from simultaneously that need to be unmarketable in the face of hostility #coming into conflict with a decade of momentum to make queers solely marketable. and i think thats producing some interesting--but sucky #--discourses in the current moment #last disclaimer that i might and am likely totally wrong! okay lauren out. post send *nervous sweating*

[scattered-winter]

last grief vent post lads

#i wish there was someone to blame. i mean there Is but it wasnt really her fault so i cant blame her really. #a driver had dementia and somehow slipped away from her caretakers and got on the road with her car and now my friend is dead #and there's nobody to blame for it. shit happens. she didnt know what she was doing. i know that she didn't mean to. #but the fact is that she got in her car that day when she shouldnt have and now a 20 year old girl with her whole life ahead of her is dead #and i am not gonna lie guys. im fucking pissed. #its unfair. its so fucking unfair. #but its also unfair for me to point fingers when it wasnt really that driver's fault. #she doesnt even remember causing the accident. she doesnt know where her injuries came from. #and i KNOW what dementia is i KNOW that thats part of it and it isnt her fault at all #but im really angry. not even necessarily specifically at the driver tbh just . angry #but. the funeral is over. so i think ill be ok from now on. #there was a beautiful sunset while i was driving home today. it was pink and orange #pink sunsets were her favorite. it was beautiful to see one today. #winter speaks #grief tag #tw death #tw car accident

[fruitsyrups]

ive crossed over into an alternate dimension where side profiles are somehow sometimes easier to draw than other angles. bodies in side profile however... nooo thank you...

#ok the back of the head is hard but the facial features proportions kind of feel easier to figure out . maybe. #weird #n e way im happy with the way i draw faces mostly maybe 50 percent of the time but im so not caught up on drawing bodies #like to the point it just looks bizarre #decent proportional face with like at least some understanding of structure/form even if it's not much #and then the stiffest clunkiest body you ever did see #or i can go the other way around and have an ok body. like decently fluid / proportional. but no face #theres some kind of disconnect. cant have both at once #thats only a sometimes thing though anyways. faces are generally easier #tried to do a teeny bit of gesture drawing yesterday but i was feeling sooo lazy and impatient so only 3 of them turned out ok ish #im pretty sure i post more often talking about art than i actually post art #i dont post most of the things i draw #i like to have my little secrets... #secrets in question are just literally anything that isnt adventure time art #actually looking through my art folder is crazy cause like if i saw this 3 years ago (i was really bad at drawing 3 years ago) i would. idk #drop dead or something #but now its like yeah same old same old. lots of problems. need to work on those. #but its nice to step back and be like woagh holy shit. massive improvement #earlier i was trying to dfraw a character and it wasn't coming out right but instead of getting frustrated and discouraged #it was more like i had this feeling of . idk. excitement to get better at drawing? #i dont know if this is just a temporary mood or maybe im turning over a new leaf. new optimistic mindset about art #<- watch that 'new mindset' totally disappear when i have a slightly more prolonged period of art struggle. lol

[perenlop]

well i finished renegade. i sure was renegading all over the place

#it was alriiiight.... but man i hate to say it but i think i have more complaints than praises #i DID like florins new execution route and i liked talons deal. the entire end of night spell deal was horrifying and i loved it #i love that genre of horror like ''you die twice when you get forgotten after death'' #so seeing it play out here was horrifying in a good way. talon and amber's deaths were both so fucking good like goddamn #they were just as heartbreaking as they needed to be. especially ambers like when you go talk to tesla after #but. man i dont think meta games are for me cause ngl i was sorta just like ''aight.'' to most of the meta here #like that was the one thing about talon i didnt care for. i thought ''everyone i know and love is going to die and god is screaming at me'' #was a fine enough motivation to go crazy and become a rift. i thought it was compelling and tragic and a good thing to do #with a new character. but then he started going ''in older versions of the game i wasnt even there i was just a prop for the backstory'' #and thats sorta when i started tuning out. like i cant explain why but i feel it made the scene more... cheap? #i think just cause personally ive seen that motivation a lot in meta games before and its gotten old to me #tbh the entire meta angle is whats really dragging this down to me. dont get me wrong i love eizen and his scenes #but i dont see why we have to canonize the game's update cycles as like a critical part of the world #and then theres m2 who i have mixed feelings on. cause i love the character type of ''ive been through so much shit idc anymore'' #and they end up being kinda goofy and saying inappropriate/out of pocket things while trying not to discuss The Horrors #ive written more than one of those types of characters. but with m2 its like she doesnt know how to turn that off #like spacea and tiempa's deaths being a tera raid parody where they joke about being in a crashing plane and get bashed by extra melias #it just felt like. unfitting. (also a nitpick but goddamn that scene made my head hurt with how much the screen wobbled) #like really? this is the sendoff they get in the fucked up and evil route? and idk i just dont think m2 was all that funny. #she was more grating than anything tbh. and i just feel like her existence and the bad timeline is just Too Much #like there were already so many plotlines and arcs and do we Really need a new-ish character right before the climax #idk. im hoping v14 is more cohesive in this department #for now im taking a much needed break from this game lol

[the-kipsabian]

im gonna complain sorry i need to get this out of my brain since ive been thinking about it recently. leaving it in the tags so you can ignore it or whatever

#i just. feel like im missing out on everything recently #everyone else is having fun with each other and their friends and im just. here for no reason #timezones fuck me over so intensely on like a daily basis and its so fucking sad like #the society is demanding me to be a responsible human being which means sleeping - and while i do that everyone else has fun #yall get to watch things together. yall get to chat about things together. yall get to do shit in real time #like im not blaming anyone for having fun good for you im glad youre enjoying yourselves and everything!! #but also i just. feel left out. and its very stupid but im stupid and so is having to sleep and i never get to do anything fun cause of it #i never get to watch stuff live. i never get to participate in anything. and when i maybe do its an anxiety situation so i have to pass #i think thats why wrestling is rn a very sore spot for me. i havent really watched anything in a while cause i feel so left out #like im always behind. and i know it shouldnt matter but when i see everyone interacting with live blogs and such and i know i cant do that #and theres no point doing that afterwards #and the only things i can reasonably live blog are things that nobody else watches or cares about and im just #mostly anyways i only put my time and effort into something that only i care about #and im not gonna lie it kinda hurts. like ofc i cant ask anyone else to care but i just feel so fucking lonely sometimes #sorry im just. not in a good spot. honestly i probably never will be cause none of this is going to change cause i cant change it #and i cant and wont ask anyone to change it cause thats not good or fair or anything to anyone #i shouldnt even post this this is so stupid and im such a stupid little baby but im just... #im so fucking lonely sometimes and i see everyone else being able to do things and have fun and enjoy themselves. without me #im so lonely and im so jealous and it just fucking sucks okay #im gonna go now. im sorry #night is an absolute mess on main

[toastsnaffler]

tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(

#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever #and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!! #i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved #and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad #like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause #unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided #to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also #but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee #i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested #man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading #and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier #and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!! #i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago #and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man #u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever #insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc #ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone #gn #.vent

[evilyurifan]

i hate when you have shit that you cant like relatably vent post about or talk to anyone about. like my family’s day to day life is just fucking Weird enough that i can only tell people about it when i turn it into jokes.

#im going to fucking explode but its just teehee normal life #like. i know that she doesn’t understand what shes doing but it makes me want to scream watching my cognitively disabled sister routinely #assault my parents like the physical assault is baseline she knows what she’s doing there. she’s malicious and she likes to hurt people. but #she sees grabbing someones breasts or trying to grab their crotch as an extension of that and when you try to tell her to fucking stop it #it just makes her mad and she redoubles on the physical assault #like today she’s been really into ‘esk*mo kisses’ so shes just grabbing my moms face and forcing her own face into it #and my mom cant fucking do anything about it because if she gets mad or even expresses any annoyance at this #my sister will quite literally beat the shit out of her #so im just trying to fucking heat up frozen appetizers for dinner while ignoring her coming up behind my mom and groping her. and like #i cant hold it in i get mad it’s literally bursting out of me to tell her to fucking stop it #but I literally live in the stress dream reality in which expressing anything against her whims makes her angry and the consequences of that #are fucking painful. so we just have to keep her happy and fucking acquiesce to this shit #i feel like ive spent 20 years in a fucking dystopia. my mom is now going to have to try to gracefully ask for her permission to watch tv #lest she come down and start hitting her and screaming at us to not watch it #anyway. sorry i just need to put this somewhere cause literally no one outside my nuclear family even knows about this shit #lime.txt

[s0fter-sin]

i’ve tried so many energy drinks in the last week and i did not expect monster to be the one that tastes best

#all the others had that gross im an energy drink after taste to them but the monster was just straight up good #none of them have done jack shit for my fatigue but that doesnt exactly surprise me #i had four days in a row where i was awake for over 24 hours #one where i was up for 33 #theyre just getting more and more frequent and since my hearts been up the shit recently they reckon i need to go back to the doctors #i needed to anyway for scripts and cause its been so long since my last in person appointment #i just know it wont be the last one and since im thinking of switchig up my meds he might make me go see my cardio again an i cant be fucked #i havent seen him since before covid and hes moved since then so i bet hell want an in person too #im not driving three hours for an ‘oh at least youre looking happier’ and a new script he couldve just emailed me #ive doubled the dosage of my meds which i know isnt smart but i wanted to do something in the meantime #i dont know if hell want me to increase or switch up altogether #but these were the first meds i ever responded to #ive got through like six others and they all did jack shit #no benefits no side effects nothing #and i remember how bad i felt before i was put on these and i cant be bothered feeling like that again waiting to see if something new works #and yeah these never really worked right but at least they worked enough #as long as i dont have to do an in person with my cardio ill deal #i just doubt ill be that lucky #spoonie #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt

[chanselysees]

.

#sorry i need to vent ignore this #my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit #bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer #and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted #but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but #now i hate it again i hate it so much #ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN #and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but #i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad' #and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards? #but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers #but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but #it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression #like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be #in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly #to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and #i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy. #made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that. #so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?! #but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn #im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now #i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it #clara tais toi #like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO #preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and #the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like #it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted #dl later