#and then somehow. they are also so mean and devaluing of me? i cant really make sense of it.

[tacittherapist]

Heartbeats quicken. The tremors return. Rose opens her laptop, glancing about to make sure she’s alone. Gods forbid anyone, especially Jade, see her revisit one of her lowest points. She craves it -- to know the bitter ennui of her past mistakes is a nectar that keeps her reality grounded and the fire under her lit. This particular memory is perhaps the worst mistake of her young life though, and to correct it would be to supp deep from the ichor of sweet relief. She pulls up the log...

tacitTherapist [TT] started trolling grimAuxiliary [GA].

TT: So. GA: So TT: It’s come to this. GA: Indeed It Has TT: And you’re still not budging. GA: Consider My Position Entirely Unmoved TT: Entirely? That seems a bit harsh. GA: This Is A Harsh Reality TT: I imagined you’d have at least granted me the niceties and lied about how malleable your convictions are. GA: Rose GA: What Is There Left To Say GA: We Have A Crucial Difference In Opinion That Cannot Be Reconciled GA: We Have Iterated Our Arguments To Each Other For Days Without Relent GA: The Underlying Basis To This Disagreement Is Presupposed On The Notion That This Infernal Game Has Shown You The Right Course Of Action Without Any Other Supporting Evidence That It Isnt Simply Lying To You Once Again TT: They aren’t lies, they’re possibilities. GA: But Only One Of Them Will Happen To Us GA: The Rest Dont Matter GA: Thus They Are Lies And There Is Just One Truth TT: Couching your beliefs that way is what I disagree with. GA: Then You Arent Fucking Listening GA: Only One Of Those Timelines Will Be The One We Are In GA: So Forgive Me If I Buttress My Language In Solipsistic Idiom GA: Unless You Can Give Me More Than One Percent Assurance That We Will All Make It Through This By Jumping On This Fantastic Savior Satellite GA: I Cannot Support Your Idea And I Suggest You Let It Go TT: I can’t. GA: I Know GA: Thats Why Theres Nothing Left To Say TT: I disagree. I think there are a variety of things left to say. GA: Do They Relate To The Problem At Hand Or Are You Stalling TT: Irrelevant. The impetus of communication isn’t inherently problem-solving, it’s to convey meaning. GA: The Impetus Does Solve A Problem GA: You Want To Convey Meaning So The Solution Is Communication TT: Semantics. I’m saying there are other avenues of thought we must explore first. GA: Rose According To You We Are Running Out Of Time GA: Is This Truly How You Want To Spend Your Last Moments With Us GA: Bickering Pointlessly On Separate Computers To Avoid Devolving Into Another Shouting Competition Which Karkat Invariably Wins TT: Would you rather I pivot into sweet nothings about how I’ve so enjoyed our time together on this desolate rock? TT: Would you rather I spin the yarn of our tale aboard this distant laboratory, slowly starving as our grist cache dwindles? TT: Must I recount our feeding calendar in which we literally take turns stemming the hunger pangs until we all eventually succumb to malnutrition and sickness simultaneously? GA: No TT: Then this is how I’m spending my last moments. Quite presumptuous of you to assume I’ve made up my mind as well. For all you know, I could be swayed and end up staying here. GA: Given You Were Just Eviscerating My Position Mere Seconds Ago As To Why We Should Stay Here Im Sufficiently Certain You Wont TT: That’s another issue. Your certainty. The Light has shown me countless avenues to success. There are literally endless timelines in which we follow my advice and everyone meets up to finish the game. TT: And yet you’re somehow unwaveringly certain that none of them will occur? GA: Your Argument Swings Both Ways TT: I don’t appreciate the implicit reference to my confusing sexuality, but go on. GA: If There Are Countless Possibilities In Which We Succeed Following Your Idea Then There Are Also Countless Possibilities In Which We Succeed Not Following Your Idea GA: Its Two Infinities GA: The Question Lies In Which Infinity Is Bigger TT: That makes no sense, infinity is infinity. GA: Yes But Some Infinities Are Larger Or Smaller Than Others GA: Some Infinities Are Not Even Truly Infinity But We Consider Them Infinity For The Sake of Mathematics TT: How does that make even remote sense? GA: While You Were Studying The Majyyk I Was Reading The Calculus TT: I didn’t realize I was speaking to Jade’s pupil. GA: You Arent GA: If I Were Jades Pupil Wed Have Met Up By Now And We Wouldnt Be Having This Inane Conversation TT: But you can become her pupil! If you just come with me. Trust me, Kanaya. Please. GA: I Trust You Rose GA: But I Cannot Go With You GA: Look GA: The Prophecy Satellite Is On The Horizon GA: You Have Not Much Time TT: Technically I have all the time I need. GA: Dave Has Sworn Off His Powers And You Know This TT: He can be convinced. GA: If Your Powers Of Persuasion On Him Are Anything Like They Are On Me I Highly Doubt That TT: Fuck you. GA: Rose

A pregnant pause passes as Rose looks over on the horizon. The satellite is indeed coming into view.

TT: I’m sorry, Kanaya. TT: I love you. GA: I Love You Too Rose GA: But This Is Goodbye TT: It doesn’t have to be. GA: What GA: Didnt We Just Go Over That Im Not Coming With You And That You Arent Staying Here TT: Yes. But if you don’t say goodbye, it means we’ll meet again. GA: Rose This Is Childish TT: If you don’t say goodbye, it isn’t the end. GA: This Is The End Rose TT: It isn’t the end. I’ll see you again. I’ll find John and Jade by myself and we’ll come get you. GA: How GA: How Long Will It Take To Find Them GA: And How Will You Find Us If You Ever Do GA: This Laboratory Is Bound To Continue Drifting Even After You Depart GA: We Wont Stay Frozen In Place Once You Leave GA: This Isnt Like One Of Those Trashy Rainbowdrinker Books You Devoured GA: This Is Real Rose GA: You Must Face This Truth TT: We are the shapers of our world. GA: Not This Again TT: We determine our own fate. GA: Rose This Is A Quote From Another Novel Please Dont Do This TT: We mold the physical to our whims and thrust it forward through our own designs. We shape destiny. We reject that which displeases us and create our own reality. TT: Can you really not indulge me? As this one last act of kindness? GA: I Will Allow You One Kindness But It Will Not Be This TT: Fine. As my last act of kindness from you, I want... GA: It Cannot Be Something Ridiculous TT: I want you to forget me. GA: What The Fuck Did I Just Say TT: Hear me out. TT: If truly everything we’ve been through thus far has meant so little that you can’t put your faith in my decision, I want you to forget it. TT: It will be as if it never happened. I was merely a phantom in this session, and should I somehow return (against your predictions), I will get to vindictively rub it in your face. TT: But if you’re right, and I never return, the pain for you is lessened. You were never in a relationship with me, so there’s nothing to mourn. I never existed. Things were simply bad, and my nagging insistence to redirect our course was never there. TT: I want you to forget me. GA: Rose You Know I Cant Do That TT: Not even for me? As your last kindness? GA: It Would Not Be Kind To Invalidate The Memories You Ensured We Would Create GA: It Would Not Be Kind To Devalue Everything You Have Done For Us GA: And I Still Cherish Those Memories Even If They Led To Something Painful TT: It will only cause you more pain if you hold onto them. I don’t want you to suffer. GA: I Want To Suffer These Memories GA: They Offer Me Some Reassurance TT: But not enough to convince you to join me. GA: No

Rose stops typing, a nerve in her snapping. Her face goes beet-red, despair swelling into wrath. She sets her claws to the keyboard once more.

TT: Then if not by your grace, I’ll make you forget through spite. GA: What TT: I want to be forgotten. I want my existence to be erased from this failure of a timeline. I never loved you. You meant nothing to me. GA: Rose TT: My departure will be a curse upon you unless you forget. Whether by magic or by will, you must forget me. All those memories I made with you meant nothing. I did those things only to ensure my own survival. Your presence was happenstance at best. TT: Now that I’m heading out on my own, our destinies are uncoupled. Whatever happens to you is beneath me. I am taking the path to victory, and you can all squander the rest of your miserable lives here. TT: I won’t come back for you. I gave you all the chances I had. This is your fault. GA: Rose Please Dont Do This TT: You won’t see me again. I’m getting on that satellite and I’m not looking back. Even if I am to die, alone on a satellite, it will be a Heroic death as the only one with any sense not to continue a cursed existence on this fucking rock. TT: I will live with only a spectre of guilt that I didn’t forcibly coerce you onto the satellite with me, chastising myself for respecting your wishes and letting you choose your own demise. TT: That is all. Goodbye.

tacitTherapist [TT] stopped trolling grimAuxiliary [GA].

True to her word, Rose closed her laptop and walked briskly to the edge of the floating laboratory to wait for the satellite to pass by. Sheer anger coursed through her veins, hoping that would mask her true intent. She had never displayed that kind of fury before, let alone to Kanaya. If she played her cards right, Kanaya might still join her, moved by the pure strength of her conviction. But there was no hesitant hand on her shoulder, begging her to stay or to join her. There was no last-second plea, no ‘Rose Wait’, and not even a footstep in her general direction as she waited.

Resigned, she boarded the satellite, breaking her word and casting a desperate glance back as the satellite continued its course away. Through the tiny window, she could see Kanaya simply looking down at her grubtop, her face stained jade. Regret swelled, and for just a second, she could feel herself begin to open the hatch and jump back towards the meteor. But the second passed, and soon she was out of range to give even a cursory wave goodbye.

The same tears begin to stream down her face as she closes the pesterlog and wraps her sheets tighter around her shoulders. She can’t keep putting off her meeting with Cetus forever... but she still doesn’t know how she’ll reckon with the shadow of her failed ploy.

#pesterlogs #long post #((by god this was brutal to write))

[eleanorsparkz]

A Storm is Rising

Vikings (Ivar x Reader) Chapter 5

They have locked the Christian in a dungeon, chained to the ground so that he can hardly move. He kneels and says something in his own language and Ivar sits on the floor next to him. You can't understand anything but you can see through a small hole in the wall. Some time later Ivar leaves the room and goes to the hall. You have your hood hanging in your face and the coat covering what you are holding in your hands. You sneak in and make sure no one has seen you. Then you walk towards the Christian and kneel at his eye level. His head hangs low and he keeps mumbling. As he slowly lifts his head and looks at you, you pull the hood back and the look he had in the fight when he first saw you appears. His eyes are big and you can interpret some of his questions. You lift up a bowl and a cup of water to show him that you don't want anything bad. His eyes are streaking over your hands and then he points to his arms. He can't take them because his arms are too tightly chained to move them. You nod and hold the cup to his lips. With the first swallow his eyes close in pleasure. The fresh clear water is good for him and you can see that in his relieved gaze. Then you show him the berries and he nods. It is odd but somehow, you like him. His gaze does not leave you for a second while you feed him. The blue is different from that of the Ragnarsons but still beautiful. You try to remember how his language sounds. You can only ask for his name. At first he looks at you questioningly but he nods understandably and his eyes become soft as he shows a little smile. "Heamund." he says plainly and distinctly. You again smile with an equally gentle smile. "Heamund..” He is nodding as consent. For a short moment you forgot that you are enemies.   You put on your hood and leave the room. He says something else but you don't understand a word. You have to hurry before anyone else sees you.

You stroke your horse. He is dark brown and his long black mane hangs over his eyes. A big white blaze decorates his head and the white boots and the extensive feathering decorates his lower legs. His nose touches your cheek and he sniffs at you. His lips pluck your hair playfully and you have to laugh.      "Stop that Jarl." you whisper to him. Then he sniffs at your ear and you twitch away as it is a very sensitive spot. "Stop it tickles!" you laugh out then. You get to his mane and braid it. Then you stand in front of him and look at your work. "How gorgeous you look after all." you knock gently on his neck. He snorts out as if he were amused."You have a new friend, huh?" a voice asks behind you. You startle and turn around. Ivar stands at the door frame and leans against it. His arms are crossed and he looks at you with a grin that you cannot interpret. You breathe a sigh of relief and turn back to your horse Jarl. "Yes. And he is a real beauty, isn't he?" you ask and stroke his nose bridge. His voice becomes more serious and gives you goose bumps all over your body. "I don't mean the horse." You play the ignorant one and ask him with your eyes. "You can't fool me. You know exactly who I mean." You breathe out. "Is that a problem?" you only ask and remove the saddle which you then place over a beam. His look could kill and there is an unpleasant tension in the air. You avoid eye contact as best you can. "You gave him food." he growls. "I just want to show him that we're not as they think." you explain. "Since when have you been so naive?" he asks and shakes his head. "I don't know. Since when have you been so selfish?" you reply coolly. He wants to answer something but doesn't find his voice. He remains silent and watches you. You stroke Jarl once more and then go out. He wants to follow you but you walk so fast that he can't catch up. "Where are you going?" he asks seriously. "Away from you." He stops and lets you go. You make sure that you are alone, then you puff out your frustration. Your eyes are burning and getting wet. You roll your eyes at the thought that you are crying. You hate it. It feels like you are fragile but you don't want to be. You feel lost. As if you would fall or drown. It is difficult for you to control your breathing. The unknown stabbing in the chest is back. Confused you ask yourself "Why?”

"Ahh, someone’s hungry!" says Hvitserk in a good mood and with a full mouth. "Not really." you answer while you take a mug and a jug. Then you sit at the other end of the table. Far away from Ivar and Hvitserk, who looks at you in puzzlement. You fill your cup and drink it. Hvitserk looks at Ivar who only rolls his eyes and waves at you. "I hope you don't get drunk again." he mumbles with a devalued tone. That's enough. That was the little drop that makes you boil over. Without thinking you growl over the table. "And I hope you shut your damn mouth only once in your miserable life." it felt good and you don't regret anything. Your gaze is dark and his eyes look at you in shock. You never raised your voice against him or ever experienced yourself like that. Hvitserk is ready to hold his brother back before everything gets out of hand. You wait for the look of death or an axe that splits your head. But he only says it in a serious tone and surprisingly calm. "Don't forget who you're talking to." He warns in a deep unempathic tone. You get up, slam your hands on the table, both are jerking up, you lean forward. "I'm talking to the asshole you are". You roar angrily. He leans back his grip around the cup gets tighter. Hvitserk can wait only helplessly, he does not know what he could do. Your eyes start to burn. And tears drip from your eye onto the table, but you don't make a face."If you don't like it here, then go? You are a free woman," he offers, pointing to the door. "But if you go, never come back." That hits you hard. "What has become of you? What have I done to you? I was never mean to you or wicked. Never talked about you behind your back. If you were up to something, I never told you you couldn't. I encouraged you! I supported you! I was there for you when nobody else was! And now you thank me by treating me as if I were nobody. Only a chess piece that is loyal to you and dies for you." your voice trembles and you take a deep breath. Hvitserk and Ivar both look at you, mute and overwhelmed. Also moved by your words. Then you point to a guard. "They don't follow you because they like you or respect you as a leader. These men follow you because they are afraid of you or have already fought at Ragnar's side. None of them feel loyalty or respect towards you. You are only Ivar, the son of Ragnar. The man they respected and swore loyalty to." You take your cup and drink it empty. "Just keep it up. And you will end alone." You leave the hall without another word and with your head held high. Even though your Heart feels like it is ripped out of your chest and you cant breathe. Ivar smiles and shakes his head carefree. But something has hit him deep inside. He leans back and thinks of your childhood together. It is true. You were always there for him. As you said, you supported him. You even beat yourself up with someone who was older just because he called him a cripple prince. You kept together no matter what happened. And now he treats you like that? He could see how your glassy eyes looked at him. He has never seen you cry and that hits him. That he was the reason. You lie in your bed and think again about what just happened. Every detail every word. You have raised your voice against him. The first time. And you do not regret it. It was good to say what burns on your soul. Even if that means he will kill you or send you away. It will hurt. If he sends you away.It would hurt. It would hurt, if he kills you. It would hurt, If you would live on. Your eyes become heavier and your head booms from crying.

Hope you liked it!

Sorry if my english sometimes doesn’t make sense or is wrong.

#vikings ivar #ivar x reader #vikings #series #fanfic #imagine

[comicteaparty]

June 24th-June 30th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from June 24th, 2019 to June 30th, 2019.  The chat focused on Drugs & Wires by Mary Safro & Io Black.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Drugs & Wires by Mary Safro & Io Black~! (https://www.drugsandwires.fail/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PDT), so keep checking back for more! You have until June 30th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. Who do you think made the Worm and for what reason? Why does it seem to mostly be affecting Stradania and not other places? Do you think Dan’s implant can ultimately be fixed, or is he stuck forever away from VR?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 4. What aspect of the world’s cyberpunk setting interests you the most and why? Alternatively, what aspect are you hoping to see explored a bit more in regards to how it affects the characters?

RebelVampire

1) Gonna be a bit depressing when I say the bridge scene where Dan almost threw himself off it. Which I'm gonna spoiler tag the rest of this just as a suicide trigger warning precaution. I was 100% right there in the moment with him during that scene. Like I understood why he'd arrived at that conclusion, and it didn't come off as patronizing as I feel a lot of similar suicide scenes often do in comics. This is a man who even I felt really had nothing to live for, as sad as that is to say. Not that I wanted Dan to die, of course, but I get absolutely why he would. And then when he's saved, I liked that he is angry about it. Cause that is a dark reality I feel too many comics shy away from. And just all that gritty realism really hit me in the heart. 2) I don't know who made the worm and I don't think it matters all that much. Rather, I think the reason is more important, and the reason I think is to either kill VR or draw attention to Dan's shitty country. Which I kind of want to believe the latter, that this is somehow politically motivated. Or even if its the former, the idea is to get ppl more politically involved. That being said, I do think it's someone in Stradania who made it. As for Dan's implant being fixed, I don't think so. I don't think he'll be let off the hook that easy, and that he will continue to have to face his awful world for what it is, garbage and all.

3) Dan because he is the delicious epitome of a flawed protagonist. He's not mean, but between his drug problems, his crappy attitude towards most people, and so forth, he's got some real issues to work through. But that's great, cause at least that makes the few steps forward he's taken more satisfying. Since he's not getting those steps easy. He has to basically crawl through metaphorical lava to gain even 2 cm. 4) I really like the world's integration of VR and cybernetics. Like it's not on the level it's just there, but there's businesses around it, slang around it, and so forth. It's presented as this super ingrained culture thing, and that is super hard to play off. And it's just really well-done to see all the ways that those aspects bleed into their lives, whether the invention was intended to do so in that way or not.

Historical Jesus

I'm about to catch up. gimmy some time

RebelVampire

itll be going for the rest of the week, so theres no rush.

snuffysam

1) My favorite scene is the basement wake. It's a cool way to introduce those side characters (especially Vlad), and we were shown how our protagonist is seen through other people's eyes.

Like, we as the readers get to see Dan's struggles first-hand, but seeing the way Dan's "friends" think of him as a mindless junkie is really eye-opening

Re-reading the wake chapter made me think of something regarding question (2). Rebel, you suggested that the worm may have been made to kill VR. Could the reverse be true instead? Vlad has this speech about how the victims of the worm are martyrs, and the rest of the cast groans... but maybe he's not so far off.(edited)

My favorite character is Lin. On the surface, she's a terrible, shady person, but she's got heart where it counts! (in a trunk with a bunch of other organs)

Though I also really like Dan, for the same reasons as Rebel. He starts off in such a terrible place, and watching him take baby steps towards improvement is... honestly, uplifting, even if he does sometimes take some big steps backward.(edited)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. What has been your favorite illustration in the comic so far? What specifically about it do you like?

QUESTION 6. Do you think Dan will manage to find Eve again? If so, how might that affect him? Further, what do you think Dan’s past history is in general with his family and others that might play a role in the story?

Historical Jesus

Is the person writing this comic Russian

RebelVampire

cant speak for Io, but while not from Russia, Mary does speak Russian

Historical Jesus

SHe might have had family immigrate from Russia. This story just feels very Russian in the sense that everyone is down on their luck

But yeah. This story is freaking great!

Cryo

Hey, Mary here! I'm a Russian from Latvia, Io's German but I usually consult him on any Russian bits we have in the comic : D thanks so much for reading, loved seeing all the replies so far!

Historical Jesus

It's you

@Cryo Do you have experience with information security or bug hunting?(edited)

I mean, you sound like you REALLY understand hacker culture(edited)

Historical Jesus

ok I finished

1: Favorite scene? Hard to tell honestly. I like them all for different reasons. It's the continuum of the story I appreciate. The fact I'm always wanting to see what happens next? 2: Who made the worm. I've noticed that people who were infected had illegal copies of software. From a cybersecurity perspective, worms only work when either (A) someone finds a vulnurability that has never before been seem or (B) people don't update their shit for whatever reason. Hence why most software schedules mandatory updates. This could just be the inevitable conclusion to using pirated or older software. 3: Favorite character: Dan. I can relate to him the most. I don't do party drugs, just psycodelics.

4: Favorite aspect of cyberpunk. Historical relevance. In our past, rulers were privileged to rule because humans believed they were "ordained by God" to rule. European philosophers then said that the right to rule belongs to those who become the height of natural selection/ The premise being that there is no god and that we are "free agents" with "free will." No one is entitled to anything unless they produce something of value. This made perfect sense when manual labor was relevant and everything had to be done by hand. This includes pen and paper math. Hence why pay is exclusively based on labor value. Enter the age of technology fucked this up. Capitalism today is STUPIDLY efficient. We WHOOPED natural selections ass. We also learned that humans can't simply "change their outlook at will." Humans are mortal and are not much different than machines. The have needs and all that pesky human stuff. Some people could argue that healthier people have more free will than others, but poverty is the inevitable conclusion to this "free will" "labor value" mindset. But people think principles are sacred and set in stone. So what we are seeing is devalued labor and everyone becoming more poor and the formation of corporate oligarchies and dependences. Cyberpunk was WAY ahead of it's time in seeing this. We need to revisit this genre because I sure as shit don't want to live under a global illuminati with hard line cultural segregation.(edited)

Cryo

No, no real hacking experience here, I'm a 3d modeller by trade. We do our research when we can but our readers are a lot more technically minded than we are :p

Historical Jesus

I love 3D modeling

Attila Polyák

I'll be totally honest your work didn't really catch me at first, but I kept reading. Aaaaand dang that was a good decision. This is genuinely well made. I'm only at the end of chapter 4 but that bridge scene was great. I'm pretty sure it'll be my favourite scene but I need to read the rest first.

Historical Jesus

I have one of two options in life. Make high detailed models to sell on Gumroad or make comics. Gumroad will require constant adaptation to new software, but I already have my comic story structure fgiured out

Cryo

@Attila Polyák thanks for giving us a chance! Hope you enjoy the rest ( though chapter 5 is a lot less dramatic in comparison!)

Historical Jesus

Do you have a resolution in mind or are you just making it as you go?

Cryo

Yeah, we know where we're taking the story, but how it gets there can vary. Lots of the scenes we wrote years ago have to be tweaked or redone entirely to work

Historical Jesus

If the "free will" capitalist have their way, then we can expect the future to look very similar. Lots of poor people using lots of old tech. All software and hardware is closed sourced and locked down.The division between rich and poor will be larger than ever. Many of the zero days will be state sponsored much like they are now and they can use this to legally infect people and categorize them and use their own information against them if they ever become a threat to the state or the rich tech oligarchy

When I read this I got sense of creepy forcasting

More kids are playing with the Linux Kernal than smoking cigarettes so we might be ok

Historical Jesus

5: Favorite illustration? Anything that involved gif animations. That's not to say it should be overused but it was used at the right time

6a: Will Dan find Eve again? Probably. Since Cryo has a conceptual end in mind, I imagine she serves a key purpose in the plot. If they don't then it's likely that their actions will effect each other in some way.(edited)

6b: What is Dan's history with his parents? Let's look at who Dan is now. He's a poor drug addict who has had a dead end job. Yet he is not an overly angry person. Just depressed. He hangs around computer poetry people and other drug people. As a person who has experience with drugs, I noticed three types of people who do the dangerous drugs. At least in the US. They are... -People who have had repressive or needlessly strict parents. Thus overdoing drugs becomes associated with freedom and eventually a point of rebellion. But you can do too many of them. -People who are poor and need to sell them because they are poor. Naturally many of them do the drugs themselves so they naturally become addicted. -People who's parents are drug users themselves. The people who teach are schools will tell you it's that "people are trying to be cool" and it has nothing to do with that. Truth be told, they are hiding something. There is also a lot of dark racial history behind enhancing substances and the law and that can influence people's decision to take them, but I don't want to get into that because I don't want to get booted from this server.(edited)

Historical Jesus

Actually, @Cryo, would you be willing to give us a brief personal biography? Also, if you are, then can you tell us about your parents, what they did for a living, and the income situation you had growing up.(edited)

Why am I asking this? I think we can come up with more interesting answers about the comic if we know YOU as a person and how that influences your writing. I was able to infer that this story sounded Russian as fuck. Since the setting was Russian, I figured you were either from there or had family there

We can give more interesting answers that can help you come up with more interesting writing

RebelVampire

@Historical Jesus Your questions are getting a little personal, and while I understand the logic behind them, keep in mind we're here to discuss the comic and not the creators' personal lives.

keii4ii

Yeah... I feel even if the creators are okay with discussing it, this stuff is best left to DM

Historical Jesus

I understand. I would like to give her the choice. If she chooses not to then I understand. Biologically speaking, I think art is meant to be personal.

keii4ii

(and of course, if they don't want to discuss it, no one should pressure them about it )

RebelVampire

yeah if @Cryo wants to answer that's fine. Just for the future please keep those sorts of questions to a minimum and watch the wording on them. Cause that statement did sound overly pressure filled.

Historical Jesus

of course

keii4ii

I don't think we should be getting further into this territory?

RebelVampire

Agreed. This isn't a really appropriate topic for #week_long_bookclub, @Historical Jesus and has little to do with the comic.

Historical Jesus

I understand. I'm trying to demonstrate the the relevance and the benefits of understanding the author as a person. And again, it's her choice to choose what she discloses.

RebelVampire

And again, I get the logic. But just not appropriate for this discussion.

Historical Jesus

fair enough. I just want it to be known

I rephrased the question so it's less assertive. I apologies, I suck with social skills. Hopefully by the time she reads it, then it will be more inviting for her.

RebelVampire

thats better wording for sure, thank you.

Historical Jesus

no problem

art was definitely designed to be personal. The reason why a lot of big budget art feels bland is because it's meant for everyone and they have to not get too deep into offending people. Because it has to make money. That requires the work of a true genius. D&W is specialized and it will attract a certain group of people. Mostly people who value anonymous culture like myself. Or so I imagine.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. Which characters do you enjoy seeing interact the most? What about their dynamic interests you?

QUESTION 8. Will Lin actually go through with her plan to get into politics? If so, do you believe she can actually make a difference? What obstacles do you think she might run into, and do you think Dan will be of any help to her?

Cryo

(i would appreciate not having to talk about my life and anyones political beliefs neither here nor in DMs, thanks for understanding)(edited)

Historical Jesus

Understood

Historical Jesus

7: Dan, primarily because he is relatable. He would interact the way I would. Not having money sucks.

Historical Jesus

8: Will in go into politics? Probably not. She strikes me as a neroatypycal character. I could be wrong though.

RebelVampire

@snuffysam If the worm was designed to improve VR, I really want to meet the person who decided that making ppl martyrs was the way to go. Cause that's some backwards thinking, imo at least XD

5) There's a lot of really great ones, but I'm kind of fond of the illustration of Dan puking up rainbows. It's this cool mix of gross, psychedelic, and not what I expected. It expressed a lot of mood somehow for something that's less grand than I usually pick. 6) I think Dan will find Eve again, if only cause from a technical perspective she was introduced super early on to not be important. However, I think meeting her again is just gonna make him feel bad about himself as he realizes how little his baby steps of improvement are. In regards to his family, just gonna be bold and say my theory: his dad is part of that political group that took control and really hates cyborgs and technology and all that. Thus they were probably not the most open-minded and rejected Dan in multiple ways both through emotional abuse and neglect.

7) I like seeing Dan and Troy right now. Everyone else in the comic is kind of...shitty towards Dan. Like i know Dan isn't the greatest person, but I would hate to be in the situation where I'm constantly being told I'm a junkie who won't amount to anything. Which I mean don't get me wrong, those are interesting interactions. But Troy? Troy is this new person whose only experience with Dan is kind of a nice if not high tension one. Troy comes with a fresh, no prior knowledge of Dan perspective, and I think that's really interesting and gonna be a good way to shed new light on Dan's more positive traits. 8) I think Lin will try to go through with it, but I think Lin is fighting a losing game. Short of stuffing the ballot, I don't think those she's trying to help will vote for her. Instead they'll just bitch and be complacent to the world around them. But on that same vain, Lin probably could just stuff the ballots to win. I umm...honeslty don't think Dan can help her in anyway. Dan is really busy helping himself to suck less at the moment. XD

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What sorts of art or story details have you noticed in the way the comic is crafted that you think deserves attention?

QUESTION 10. What do you think Sandman and Fixer will find in regards to the Worm as the story continues, and what does the VR cafe Sandman has been hacking have to do with anything? How will Nate tie into this given he’s looking for Fixer?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 11. What do you think are this particular comic’s strengths? What do you think makes this comic unique? Please elaborate.

QUESTION 12. Overall, what role do you think Troy will have within the story? Additionally, how will she get out of her situation with having no ID, money, or much in the way of people she knows?

Historical Jesus

9: The art against the web design literally looks like something we would see at Def Con

10: I image he has a lead. After all his motivation is revenge

11: it’s strength is that it's good at making people empathize with characters even if you can't relate to them

12: I don't think Troy will get out of her situation. If she comes back to the states empty handed she will be fired. It might be in her best interest to get wrapped up in finding the worm programmer

Typically speaking large scale worms are state sponsored but it's not clear how far this thing actually spreads.

RebelVampire

9) My favorite details so far have been the small things in the background. Like the random graffiti on the walls, the cracks and dilapidation of the buildings, all the small do-dads in Lin's place. Like none of that needs to be there to create a complete background, but it adds so much character to the setting and each character. So I really appreciate the extra mile taken for that. 10) I think Sandman and Fixer are gonna find that some corporation or someone high up on some food chain made it on purpose. As for the VR cafe? Honestly, I think it's a red herring and Sandman is making an excuse to target them just cause he hates them. As for Nate, I think Nate is gonna join the investigation team but also kind of serve as a negotiator between Fixer and Dan. Cause I don't think those two will get along without help.

11) I think this comic's strengths are a) the setting both visually and story wise, as it's a really strong and vivid setting. then b) Dan. It is very, very hard to write a character like Dan. There are so many things he does that could immediately make him unlikeable, what between the drugs, self destruction, and general assholeness to some of the ppl around him. but yet he is likeable. you do want to see him succeed and not suffer. yet you also still can acknowledge hes unreliable. its a great dynamic that lesser writing could not pull off. 12) I think Troy is gonna be their viewport into the corporate world. Which I think will play a role since there is a themeing here about evil corporations. Plus, she at least knows some stuff better than they do, as she already showed off at the VR cafe. But getting out of it? Nope. Shes stuck and probably gonna make another panicked call to Dan at some point. And Dan will be an angel and help again.

snuffysam

I'm going to go out on a limb here. Not only will Lin go through with running for office, she'll win. And she won't even have to stuff the ballot that much. But... I'm not sure her fight will be over there. After all, there's more than just one corrupt person in the country. I agree with you on the investigation into the Worm, @RebelVampire . I think someone up the corporate ladder is responsible. With that said, I don't think Sandman is targeting the VR cafe for nothing. I think he's trying to draw more attention to their security flaws for... some reason. I guess to get more people involved in investigating? I doubt he foresaw Troy showing up and offering to upgrade the cafe's machines though, so I that probably isn't part of his plan. I think a major part of Dan's character arc going forward will be accepting that he doesn't need Eve. Like, accepting that he doesn't need her help to get better, and that he's the only one he needs to prove his progress to.

Dan's character writing is absolutely my favorite part of this comic. In a weaker comic, I would absolutely hate how a self-destructive character like Dan is portrayed. Like, often characters with addiction/other mental health problems in fiction come off as unlikeable, or too cartoonish, or too depressingly stagnant (at least, from what I've seen in other works of fiction). But Drugs & Wires strikes a great balance where character progression isn't always linear, and isn't always positive, but it's there, and that fluidity makes you want to root for him more each chapter.

Attila Polyák

Now that I finally read all of it... 1, The bridge scene at the end of chapter 4, that was really done. 2, Dan's implant... I'm pretty sure it can be fixed, but I have doubts if Dan will ever have the resources to have it fixed. As a matter of fact I feel like he'll never have the money or influence to have it fixed and the way it is he can't really replace it either, so... He's probably stuck without VR. 3, Lin! She's awesome! 4, Probably the grey market implant dealers, even though that's kinda bog standard cyberpunk stuff. :) 6, Yes, they will probably meet again. And yes, I do feel like we'll need to see more of Dan't past history especially about how he got involved in... well in everything that's his current life. 7, Nagy, as surreally odd, is a great addition to Dan. Like at times I thought his absurdity would actually help Dan. 8, Ofc she will, you don't forge that much "voter trust" for nothing. And Dan, tho probably seemingly unwillingly, will likely help her one way or another.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 13. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

QUESTION 14. Do you think Dan will ever be able to kick his drug habit, or will he continue to fall back into it forever? How will this affect his relationships? Further, how will his habits shape his future role in the story?

RebelVampire

13) I'm looking forward to getting more info about the worm. Cause right now I dont feel any more knowledgeable than I did at the start, and I'm itching to see Sandman, Fixer, or Dan to somehow get a bigger clue to what's going on. 14) I think both will apply. In that Dan will kick the habit eventually but will always be at risk because addiction is not really something you just completely cure. It's a battle he'll have for his entire life, even if he learns to manage it. As for for his relationships, I don't think it'll have much affect, tbh. Maybe things with Lin will improve, maybe Eve. But everyone else is kind of a jerk who already writes him off. Dan is in need of a fresh start somewhere far away.

Historical Jesus

13: Same here. I would like to know more about the worm. I hope that Cyro puts a cool technical characteristic into the worms behavior so that creates interesting and unique challenges for the characters 14: Statistically speaking most people do not kick their drug habit's. Especially not in the position he is in. Based on the story's cultural nature, I doubt the ending will be happy. But I am sure it will be interesting

Cryo

Thanks so much for picking and reading our comic this week! I've had a great time reading all the replies, especially since we don't hear from new readers often, and it's gonna come in handy when we get back into writing more stuff for the comic.

snuffysam

I had a great time reading it, Cryo!

Io.Black

Just wanted to add my own thanks to everybody who took the time to read and comment this past week. As a writer, it’s always incredibly valuable to get a sense of what people are taking away from your work, as well as where they think it’s headed.

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Drugs & Wires this week! Please also give a special thank you to Mary Safro & Io Black for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Drugs & Wires, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: https://www.drugsandwires.fail/

Drugs & Wires’ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/drugsandwires

Drugs & Wires’ Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/Cryodraws

Drugs & Wires’ Merch: https://www.hellovoid.online/

Safro’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/marysafroart

Io Black’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/b_iologic

#ctparchive #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comics #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #drugs and wires #drugs & wires #mary safro #io black

[clownfluid]

continuing my messy train of thought in its own post;

i consider myself both trans and nb, because in my mind those things are heavily connected.. and i don’t think i ever actually took the time to think about a situation in which they would not be?

i am currently already physically transitioning from the sex i was assigned at birth, ive been on hormones for some time and I plan to have multiple surgeries. some of the things i’ve already done to my body already cannot be reversed, and i am happy about this. i signed the waivers and did the paperwork and i’m pleased with the results thus far.

(so eat my whole ass, transmeds.)

i experience frequent and reoccurring physical, social, and general un-categorized dysphoria. some of which that has been lessened by my transitioning process thus far, and some which has not, due to, yknow, society.

i also experience frequent gender euphoria, which can best be described in my own words as someone addressing me by a certain name, pronoun or otherwise and suddenly my whole physical being and mental state feel as blessed as when you pull your favorite blanket right out of the dryer and wrap yourself up in it while it’s still warm. something just clicks and feels right.

.. anyway all of that was meant to serve as a yes i’ve checked every (unnecessary) box to ‘’’confirm’’’ myself as trans. but that’s not the thing that was in question.

‘cause i have yet to, in this post, state, for lack of better terminology, ‘WHICH WAY IM TRANSITIONING’ . . . so if i had outright said  “i was assigned a cis-female at birth and now am physically getting surgeries to appear as cis-male passing as possible”  - would that make me “more trans” than if id said  “i wasnt happy with what i was assigned so i started asking people to use neutral pronouns for me and i began to present (with clothing and other such) as if i had no discernible gender at all.”

???

like.. fuckin obviously no id think that the gender in which you are transitioning to would have no weight on whether or not you are transitioning at all. . . you either are trans, or you are not . . ?

* note that i am not stating any specific means of what that ‘transition’ entails either; because it can be very different for different people and i will die before i let a transmed get ahold of this post and misinterpret it miserably to somehow devalue nonbinary or multigendered people.

not every transgender persons goal is to pass as cis. not every transgender person is physically able to transition with medications or surgery. not every transgender person is safely able to come out / transition. not every transgender person wants to physically alter their body with medications or surgery; perhaps due to a fluid identity, or the risks involved: OR WHATEVER THE REASONS MAY BE, THEY PROLLY AINT NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS UNLESS THE PERSON SHARES THAT W/ YOU.

sssssso relating to that, i dont think you can really be fuckin.. “half trans” either. sure, your identity could be similar to what you were already assigned, such as a cis-girl then coming out as a demi-girl... but by doing that you’ve already stated that youre.. not fully a cis girl!!!???

sure ok, you could make the argument that a demigirl considering herself a trans girl is different than an amab trans girl being a trans girl: Because those are entirely different experiences with gender, possibly entirely different expressions of gender and individual people living unique lives with their own perspective.

are they related? sure, probably far more than a cis persons experience with gender. are they exactly the same? not quite that either.

but are they both transitioning in their own ways? .. yes. im pretty sure so?

so would i consider a demigirl trans? .. yes.

would i consider an agender person trans? yes.

do i consder nonbinary people trans? yes!! 

why? would you? not be??

thats the part i cant answer without thinking ‘does it have to do w the stigma of coming out as trans?? are they jsut in DEEP denial?? do they think bc theyre not physically altering their body that theyre not ‘’really trans’’ ?? ...... because those are just off the wall examples and theyre all wrong in their own individual ways..

so like. fuck, man.

#bleats #loooong post // #feel free 2 respond if yall want idc these are just my rambles #if anyone has some smart person input or like if i royally fucked smthin up hmu

[masterturner]

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

#do not reblog this

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

really just... wish i could accomplish something- anything... you know what i mean? rather being in this arrested state. just feel like a failure and ashamed of everything. and i dont know? its like the loneliness, in that sense- accepting lulls in your life is one thing, times where you’re alone or just not managing anything. and its nice how people say its fine to fuck up. but there’s only so much you can take, you know? only so many times you can feel absolutely hollow over something, for it to be an endless stream of you just not bein ENOUGH... like  i dont seem to ever do anything right, and i wish it didnt sound that pathetic but mm... just repeatedly proving that im beyond even inadequate and its just exhausting, and the idea of satisfaction and happiness in something doen’t even register any more. not sure when it last did. all i know is that every time ive tried to do anythin for years ive just fuckin let myself down and felt embarassed for trying and embarassed because its so childish to cry like a BITCH bc ur just bad at everything, but i feel like shit , and atop the lonelines.s.. okay. wish there was just something to hold onto, rather than just everything bein so barren youj know. but i cant even just... spend past time doin anythin without just breaking down after so long- and that breaking point gets shorter and shorter as the years go by- because even when its just.. mindless crap just feels like punches to the gut every time  you somehow manage to even fuck THAT up and its like can you do anything right. can you. and when it was so, so hard to be remotely impassioned by anything in the FIRST place-- to then, just .. have it be so, so much harder to not get emotional, bc for a second u thought maybe u could sustain that, but then your failure proves to you that it was so stupid in the first place.... and then its like god im miserable, god im alone and god do i just feel like being alive has never been worth it enough to account for that sadness and on the contrary its just .... that same emotion, funnily enough, of failure without sight, of persistent inadequacy of this that and the other....  i just feel so burnt out and miserbale on everything, because this and that. loneliness just creep into absolutely everything i try without fail, even (humiliatingly enough) stuff that truly should not reduce me to tears, because i feel like ive fucked up AGAIN when its just... the most menial nonsense whatever, or if it’s even an attempt to just try and lose the hours.........   and wish i had some semblance of identity that was not “lost cause”  but every path i take thats the same place i get to and i dont kno thats the thing sometimes. deeply upsetting to me when people are so patronising and have this insistence of it being irrational - that im just making things up - when its just... genuinely like that. like having someone just approach you with absolute disbelief, all ike “you cant possibly be that much of a failure” but you GENUINELY ARE and its just all the more upsetting to have someone truly just think you’re exaggerating, that this couldn’t be the case, that you’re further gone than even belief and i just... also bein patronised like that. man you know its like one of the few things i have left, and i dont want my own fuckin thoughts devalued and stripped and mocked just like everything, everything else esp bc i dont know. thats why it is that way you know. like were there a means to fix it, a means for it to not be that way i would not FEEL that way but i have spent too many years fighting through too many breakdowns, approaching them with logical thought in and out of that upset, from every possible perspective, exercising all manners of it and im sometimes just. deeply tired of how much you have to sanitise it you know what i mean and. im getting away from myself at this point man. this was abt me bein a fucking relentless screw up. anyways

#egg.txt #emo posts and whatnot #i will say this and then i will gently let it rest

[yourecrashingbutyourenowave]

also full fucking offense but im really tired of the way that yall try to act like people who were “good at math” (which honestly isnt even a fucking accurate statement bc once you get to shit like integration even the people who were “good at math” can struggle a lot) in school are somehow inferior to the people who were good at humanities. like okay! i think that devaluing people based on their lack of academic success isn’t a good thing! but why the hell are you continuing to that but just shifting what subject you see as being less valuable! 

yes, there are people who struggle at stem stuff but excel in the humanities and thats fine. but there are also people who were good at the stem things but are terrible at english! especially when you consider that our current system means that science classes have very little to do with actual scientific experimentation and way more with memorizing shit that people have learned from science. so it becomes about memorization, whereas in english you’re expected to actually make things. 

and as an autistic person? math (until as i mentioned earlier i got to integration) was super easy for me! it was just memorizing patterns! but english has always been hellish for me. i never have the “right” reaction to the texts we’re supposed to be reading. i “misinterpret” things because my mind and experiences are so fucking different from other people they don’t understand me. i struggle with communication, especially speaking but writing as well, so explaining what i mean is damn near impossible.

but i was supposed to be good at everything bc i was in the “gifted and talented” programs in my elementary and middle schools. and then again when i got to aps in highschool. talking about how being good at any one skill doesn’t matter and devaluing the people who are good that skill isn’t okay! and it fucking kills me because i’ve never had this superiority complex over people who are better at humanities classes than i am but y’all love to do it with people who were good at stem classes! and i cant figure out why! 

#op #text post #also don't fucking tell me i hate the humanities or whatever im literally an art major #this is a fucking mess but whatever #actuallyautistic #okay to rb

[selenas]

Hey Aimen, what are your thoughts on The Bold Type and the Muslim rep on there?

okay im scared people are gonna debunk and devalue my opinion as a hijabi wearing muslim woman because im not the only one out here and dont represent an entire group of hijabis or muslims for that matter, but i guess i’ll just say it anyway and pray for the best. Idk if you mean muslim rep (which i think is good) or hijabi rep (which i think lacks) so i’ll talk about the hijabi rep. Most people i’ve seen that claim its great muslim hijab i rep have been non muslims or muslims who dont wear the hijab. I’m personally happy muslim women are being put in roles and i saw a few episodes of the show and it addresses the stigma really well so im glad about that, but my ONLY and i mean ONLY issue with the show is peoples perception that the hijab and hijabi muslim women are being represented properly. The hijab is more than just a piece of cloth on a muslim womans head, “hijab” actually means to cover in arabic so its more than just the hair. If anything its barely about the hair and more about general modesty (which, whether you think is misogynistic of islam ((lmao))or whatever is a key part of a hijabi muslim woman’s faith and if thats what we want to follow we have every right to because it how WE choose to dress and a religion WE choose to follow). Like idk they’ve got a HIJABI muslim woman, so clearly they are trynna follow the modestly in islam and expression of religion but then they have their character put on a hijab and then something sleeveless and its like!! rippp i dont wanna say thats incorrect and tell other hijabis what they can or cannot do but as a general concept its really really off if they’re trying to represent that as all hijabi women because thats actually in the minority, if anything most will express the importance of modesty on the body more first, then your hair. At first, i thought they’d have their character express how its HER choice to wear the hijab and also be less modest on her body - which would be totally fine because it would enforce the idea that its HER choice and all hijabi muslim women arent the same - but they didnt to MY knowledge so they’re basically saying thats what a hijabi muslim woman is/dresses. Muslim woman, can obviously dress however they want, but if they’re going to represent a HIJABI muslim woman and her modesty, at least do it right and it makes me so 😩😩 bc i wanna love the show and people wanna say its great hijabi rep but its not. Its almost like a slap in the face to a lot of hijabis (including muself i’ve talked to about the show because its almost like the show writers didnt care to actually research about the hijab and its meaning and took it as a mere religious symbol like a necklace w a cross on it while they’re worlds apart. And another thing that bugs me a lil is every show that has a hijabi always ends up showing the hijabi w/o her hijab on and its like.. whats the point… but i also understand that some choose to do that in order to show normalcy and fight the stereotype that muslim women like,,, sleep in their hijabs and shower in it shejdkdkd so thats also why they have non hijabis be a hijabi so that its easier to translate the story that way for when the character isnt wearing the hijab but then it also forgets to include the idea that theres an audience, and not all are girls if that makes sense, sigh idk if im gonna get attacked for this but thats just my opinion on the rep i’ve seen as a hijabi muslim woman. I just wanna be represented right for once and somehow theres always pieces missing or lack of knowledge on the writers part and its so discouraging to see that. Other than that, i respect the show and how its handled topics about islam, i just cant get 100% behind it because its not representing me, a hijabi muslim woman, physically the way i wish they would. if u put that one bit aside though, the show is the best rn for muslim rep even if its not best for hijabi rep, and esp facing stereotypes and also representing lgbtq+ muslims and THAT makes me really happy. ive seen so many non muslims all over defend it for its representation and talk over muslim woman or hijabi muslim women and didnt bother to say anything and quite frankly im scared to post this but,,,,

#i was so nervous writing this theres so many typos lmao sorry #idt i expressed myself properly either so watch me get dragged #if the show comes on netflix i might stick to watching for the muslim rep even tho i cant stand behind the hijabi rep 100%

[clearsandwicheagle-blog]

What are good things to have in health insurance for families.?

"What are good things to have in health insurance for families.?

I'm looking to buy health insurance for my self and my kids,but I don't under stand what things mean like they talk about coinsurance, deductibles how do I know what's the best one? I'm looking for affordable n with good coverage can you help me? I need low monthly payments and low copayments

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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is this a good car insurance company, has anybody got any good/bad coments or opinions about this company, i am a new driver and this will be my first insurance so i would like the advice. thankz in advance!""

Can you ride a Ducati 848 for every day use and is the insurance expensive?

I wanna purchase a bike, my first decision is the Ducati 848 evo, i wanna buy it brand new(2012) but the only 2 things im concern about is the insurance on it & can that bike be used every day.... im 22 just got my moto license and have had my drivers license for about 6 years if that matters( i did an online quote was 700$)im looking for full coverage, I live in California have no record of anything bad at all (accident etc).My second concern is can this bike be driven every single day? Its like the Ferrari of bikes and when you own a ferrari you dont drive it every day..... does this bike break down alot? My second and final decision is the yamaha r6 (2012) i want nothing but the ducati but if the ducati cant be driven for everyday and the insurance is a total rip then i guess ill have no choice....Please if possible only answer my questions please (i really don't wanna read get a used one learn from it drop it etc i know and understand that all my only concerns are the questions)""

Insurance companies that run driving history?

I'm trying to get quote on new insurance and I know Esurance runs your driving history to give you your quote. What other insurance companies do this? I don't know mine or my fiance's whole driving history for the last 5 years and it would be a lot less of a headache if they ran the report.

Will a loud music ticket affect my insurance?

I was driving and i got stopped because of my loud music and got a ticket, Does this affect my insurance? iv'e been reading online that it a non moving violation and will not affect it, is this true? P.S Im from California""

How much is the average car insurance payment for a teenage?

I'm 16 & I know I'll be on my moms insurance since I'm not 18. would I be better off getting a 2011 or 2012 year car? I've heard it's pretty costly

Where can I get affordable health insurance for my family?

USA 2013, it's now illegal, NOT to have medical insurance for everyone in your family. I get insurance for myself through work, which is mostly paid for by them, except my high deductible and co-pays, which I can barley afford. My wife and kids will cost me over $800.00 per month to insure through my employer. Can't afford that, it's almost as much as my rent. Half the insurance companies I've applied for say I make too much, the other half tell me I don't make enough. What I'm I supposed to do, eat or have insurance? If I just don't buy any, I'll be penalized through taxes at the end of the year. So, does anyone know of any good health insurance companies out there? Thanks.""

Pls help me to find a cheap insurance in CAli?

Ive a dodge stratus that i bought in a rebate the title saids SALVAGE and I would like to quote something cheap with covarage to into tijuana or ensenada!! pls HELP!

Cheapest way to get car insurance!?

I recently just passed my driving test and a know car insurance isnt cheap. The cheapest i have been quoted is a little under 5000 on a 1.2 Vauxhal Corsa. I know there is a way if you make one of your parents the main driver on your car and you are a named driver but by doing that its illegal (if you are really the main driver) and if you crash they will not cover you. Is there any other way which isnt illegal to get cheap insurance!? Even anything under 3000 would be defined as cheap for me!

""What is a good insurance company that will insure a just bought, used cell phone?""

What is a good insurance company that will insure a just bought, used cell phone?""

How much would my car insurance rise from 2 points?

Well i started driving at 16 and a half. I got in a hit and run and now i have 2 points on my record about a year ago. Now im 18. I wana know an approximatly how much my car insurance would go up

Can an auto insurance company suspend my license?

I was hit by a woman in a parking lot. In Texas where I live, certain parking lots are no fault zones if they are private property. I was in one of these no fault zones. I was uninsured at the time. She had Uninsured Motorist Protection as part of her insurance policy. I suffered no damages to my vehicle or person. She suffered $1500 worth of vehicular damage. Her insurance company paid for her damages. I was backing out of a parking space and she came flying around the corner and messed up the entire passenger door of her car on my rear bumper. Like I said I received no damage to my vehicle since I was the one barely moving. She called the police immediately after this minor accident took place. I was not cited on the ticket I received for any accident, only for no insurance. The officer informed me verbally that the accident was my fault only because she had the right of way but that there was nothing they could do about it because of the no fault zone policy. Anyway, now her insurance company is coming after me to collect payment of the $1500 they paid for her damages. I have not agreed to pay this amount because it was a no fault zone and I don't feel I should pay for it. She should not have been going that fast in a busy parking lot with a car full of kids. Although the unofficial technicality states that I was at fault, legally no one was at fault. Her insurance company is also threatening to have my license suspended if I do not pay the amount specified. I did not think that they, as a private company, had the power to have that happen. I've never been in this situation before and need an answer as to whether or not the insurance company can do that or if its just some kind of scare tactic to jolt me into paying but really has no merit behind it. Someone please help!""

If you are in the military does your car insurance rate go down?

If you are in the military does your car insurance rate go down?

I am Looking for Affordable Health Insurance Services in Illinois?

Hello, Friends, My Cousin and her husband are planning to shift in Illinois, in the next month. We required complete guideline regarding Health Insurance and missing open enrollment. Also, we need to find that if we are eligible for subsidy? Please help if anyone knows. It would be great full. Thank you :)""

Good student discount for car insurance?

so...i just completed my first year of college, and quite frankly i finished up poorly. my GPA is like a little over 2.4-2.5 and my dad is asking if i'll be able to send my transcript to the insurance (my dad is unaware of my grades). no chance of getting some discount or any at all??...i've kept my grades from my dad for quite some time, and now this is totally gonna blow my cover. i'm screwed aren't i? i'm a full time student and the insurance company is american family. so i guess my question is, do they discount % based on intervals of GPA, or is there just a minimum requirement and it's either you get a discount or not?""

How much would insurance be for an under 21 female in NYS?

I've been trying to figure out how much money I would pay for auto insurance before I get a car, but I can't get any quotes without a car. I am 19, a female, and living in New York State. Is there anyone that would mind sharing how much they pay, what insurance company they have, and how old they are? I would really appreciate it.""

Progressive auto insurance problem !?

I need an opinion on what should i do in this case. 3 weeks ago , as I was driving home , on the freeway , from the truck in front of me fell big peace of ice and hit my car from underneath. Less than 1 minute later i noticed blue smoke behind , luckily there was and exit with gas station right there. By the time i pulled up to the gas station car was barely moving. After staying parked for 20 min , it leaked oil and tranny fluid . I called towing , had them pick the car up , called progressive made the claim. All of that happened in WI near Milwaukee , before i used to leave in Chicago , so I never dealt with progressive from WI. After couple days adjuster came out and gave shop 1100$ to start the repairs , shop diagnosed everything and came to a conclusion that its the transmission leaking because of the damage inside. Adjuster was extremely slow to give shop any kind of approvals to do anything , So after 3 weeks they finally allowed them to take transmission apart , another adjuster came out took pictures , then shop owner want around , called me and said that he will call me next day. Next day shop owner calls me asking if I heard anything from progressive ? I call that guy back , but he went on vacation. Call my first adjuster , she says that the guy who went on vacation concluded that it wasn't related to impact , so they wont pay for anything and I owe 500 for taking down transmission. I called shop owner right away asking if its possible , not being related to impact , he says of course not , otherwise your car wouldn't break after impact. He also said some technical explanation what caused it to break , i just don't know what. he also said that no one ever called him and asked him what was the cause if that. I dealt with progressive in Chicago twice , when i lived there , and i had greatest experience ever , but it seems that in Milwaukee , they are playing games , making me pay , and not taking responsibilities. I figured somebody might know what should I do in this case , I just want them to do what they should do , especially when Im paying 200$ a month.""

Low cost insurance on my car?

I'm 18, about to start paying for my insurance. I have a 1998, Honda accord EX, 6V 2D. I've had my license since 2010 and a clean record. My parents have us on nationwide but it's really expensive. What's a cheaper insurance company I could go to when I graduated?""

Which company deals with indemnity title insurance for remortgaging?

I want to remortgage my property and have been given an offer by a lender, however I can't complete without indemnity title insurance. Norwich Union no longer does title insurance due to the credit crunch, is there anyone else who can help me?""

How much does car insurance cost for a 17 year old?

I can get my license anytime now. North Carolina doesn't offer good student discount. I'm asian, will be driving my dad's 2000 Ford Windstar with 70,000 miles. My dad says that adding me on to his allstate account would cost 1100 every six months. That sounds a little exaggerated. Is there anywhere else where I can find cheaper insurance?""

Will my car insurance represent me in getting claim from other person's car insurance company?

Wife got in accident with teenage girls that was at fault. Other driver had insurance, and I'm dealing with them, but because they say my car is totalled as its older and not worth a lot, they offered me some money, but when I go to buy a similar car online, I see I'm short a few thousand. They are being a bit difficult and have my car at a lot ( I know mistake but they said they only were going to look at it, now its gone). I don't have a lot of pull but will complain as much as I possibly can - was on phone for nearly hour today. Question: Do you think that my insurance company will help me get money from the other insurance company of the at-fault party? I have not contacted them yet.""

What are good things to have in health insurance for families.?

I'm looking to buy health insurance for my self and my kids,but I don't under stand what things mean like they talk about coinsurance, deductibles how do I know what's the best one? I'm looking for affordable n with good coverage can you help me? I need low monthly payments and low copayments

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-best-lowest-cost-insurance-first-time-driver-sharie-noena"