#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sunnynoki · 1 month

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We don’t talk a lot - We haven’t talked in probably about a year or so now, since I left the fandom space we met in. I’ve changed usernames since then - I went by Wheat on discord. Sorry I’ve been so distant. I never knew how to talk to you since it’s been a while.

Even still, I want to tell you that you were important to me, and still are. I wish we could talk more. I want to talk about your new interests. What are you into these days? I’ve been getting into some older games these days, but I’ve been missing pokemon a bit. I want to get back into it. Do you still draw Sky? I never asked you about them with as much detail as I wanted to. I was always worried about being too intrusive, but I regret that now. Your OCs are really imaginative. I know you’re into tensura now, right? Season 3 is coming out soon. I’m excited for that.

I want to get to know you again. I don’t know what happened with whatever you left behind, and I don’t know if this is a weird message to send, but you’re important to me and I want to let you know that you are. I wouldn’t be who I am if you weren’t there in the beginning. Thank you for being you.

i dont know how to talk either. every sentence i say either feels fake or self centered, selfish. and dont worry about being distant; it happens, especially when interests change. i dont blame you.

youre important to me too. i wish we could talk more. im not into much right now. i just feel empty. i gave up su/bmas, after everything. it was too much, not knowing who i could trust not to fucking ship them, or think its ok in any circumstance. yet sometimes i still crawl back to the tag, despite blocking it a while ago. i dont touch anything though, just look. it doesnt bring me joy anymore. i think im finally letting it go. i dont know how i feel about po/kemon yet. its kinda just. there. maybe im just feeling particularly apathetic right now.

i don't really draw anything right now. i dont know if i can go back. it was my only hobby, yet my therapist said that it wasnt enough, even when i was at my lowest. well, at the time. ive set a new low score at this point. i dont want to draw. i don't know what id draw. i dont think i can. my computer is kinda a no mans land at this point. i don't really touch it anymore. im glad you liked sky though. i never understood why she garnered so much attention. i could never write a good enough character for her. she was a mary sue in that way, with no real character flaws, let alone the... everything else. either way, like i said, im glad you liked her regardless. it means a lot. the attention i got because of her made me really happy.

like i said, im not really into anything right now, but i guess tensura would be regarded as an "interest." im... looking forward to season 3. i read one of the light novels thats going to be adapted a month or two back though, so i guess its gonna be a moment before i get to "new" content.

i dont know if theres anyone to get to know anymore. i was already in a depressive episode before this disaster, now i dont know if theres any going back, if theres any way to recover. it isnt a weird message to send, and its appreciated that you care for me but. im not sure if i can trust anyone again. im not sure if i can even trust myself. even in the aftermath, the people i thought i could trust either no longer talk to me or still interact with those who hurt me. i guess its selfish to ask them to cut off those friends too. but ive always been selfish. self centered. egotistical.

regardless, im glad i had some positive impact despite my mess of a personality. thank you for your words

#noki's life story #asks #vent #i guess

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masterserris · 7 months

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superior returns comic spoilers

so present otto is still being a dick ugh but seeing past superior otto was nice. makes me wonder how the rest of the series will be. will all of it be flash backs? i hope not urghgh i wonder what will make him be superior again. or if that will happen. graaaahhh!

dont do me like this marvel dont take my hope away and smash it

LET HIM REMEMBERRR

RAAAAGAGAHHH I LOVE AND HATE IT THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME I JUST WANT HIM. I JUST WANT HIM BACKKK FUCK PLEASEEE

i hoping, thinking, this gets covered in the main spiderman comic bc of the ending of this comic and the actual superior run will start off with otto being superior bc like it would make sense? like a comic without the main character is odd. though they call it "superior reckoning" which is like the ending of this comic? so everything might be self contained and be a small run with only flash backs??? god i hope not jskajkdajsd I JUST WANT HIM BACKKK

they havent done anything good with otto in 3 fucking years if they wanted to have a story with him they had their chance ffs

i hope and pray otto has a change of heart and solves the current conflict and like finally gets what he wants and then remembers that's all man godddddd. like saves estrella and actually harnesses the energy of the sun she had and gets his dream fulfilled. then remembers and is superior again or something like that I HATE IT HERE

bc just as easily, peter could save estrella and peter would harness fusion and otto would have nothing left anymore. just. desolate. he would be so fucking mad and then just so depressed i CANT TAKE IT. I CANT TAKE THE WISDOM I CARRY OF KNOWING OTTO ALWAYS JUST GETS FUCKED IN THE END.

just let him be superior and stay superior.... that's all i ask... society has progressed past the point of needing otto to be a villain anymore, even the movies agree.... ffs

ideal scenario: peter is fighting supernova and otto sees the destruction and only he can stop it. so he makes a device to capture her energy and it cures her. also he now completes his dream making a fusion reactor mirroring real life.

then with his dream complete he remembers shit somehow. remembers what he needs to do, and have a drive for the future now his main goal is complete. he is superior again and that is when the superior comic takes off. it would be weird to only have otto/flashbacks in the main superior comic, right? RIGHT? IDK.

but then we get adventures with superior otto and whereever that may take us but please dont fucking retcon him back into forgetting shit i hate that everyone hated that and ya'll didnt do anything with him for 3 fucking years after you did that. wasted everything

and hopefully superior otto is a main part of the spidey cast alongside miles and peter. yay! they were fuckign FRIENDS. let them be FRIENDS AGAIN.

im dying here. im like... being scorched alive like a goo on a side walk in summer. (ironically by the sun, the crux of all of this shit ksajdjkkj)

FUCK

#doc ock #marvel #superior spider-man #otto octavius

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tiredmamaissy · 1 year

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Issy i wanna share my prompt with you i hope you dont mind 🤭🩷 I had a lightbulb moment reading a yandere neteyam fic. I have a more detailed version in my drafts but imma cut it short.

Neteyam has two wives; you and another woman. When she first came into the picture things were cool right. But you noticed Neteyam becoming more interested in her a couple months in.

Its like he's forgotten that your were his first; his first love, kiss, hickey, fuck. Everything. You and him still have sex, but thats what it is. Sex. It used to be love making, there used to passion. He used to whisper sweet things in your ear. Now when y'all have sex its like he's just doing it because he has to. Its like he dont care about your needs and wants, he doesn't care about your pleasure. Its become a task for him. It used to be something that you both enjoyed. Fuck man, no aftercare king no more either.

Of course along with that; he stopped visiting you during the day when you were working, no lasting kisses or big hugs. No checking on you or picking your favourite fruit or flower. Its like looking a stranger in the eye, if he'll even look your way. He has completely detached himself from you. And you, poor bebe, have almost become detached from reality. Its like the life got sucked out of you; you've lost weight, your hair is brittle there is no more flow to it, your smile does not reach your eyes. And her, the other woman is so full of life; she has meat on her hips and thighs, her skin is glowing, and her mane of hair is shiny and soft, her smile is as bright as the sun.

You want to speak to him, but he's not the same neteyam that you used to speak with underneath the stars, tucked away in eachothers arms. You're afraid you will sound as weak as you have to come to look. You're scared that he will actually say he doesn't love you anymore because honestly you don't think he does.

A plot like this requires a sad heartbreaking depressing ending. (Yes I've got a couple in my drafts) But fuck that. Either you find a new man or y'all get back together. Also Neteyam's traits for this prompt are not dark per say. I'm sorry im dragging this on but i need to say; he was always that shy young man, though confident he was never over the top. I guess you could say he grew too big for his own boots, he developed a sense of hmm ugly boldness, too sure of himself. He started to like the idea of having these woman waiting in line to suck his toes, you know what im saying? 🤣 But um yeah, guess he thought it made him more manly, to be such a desirable figure in these woman's eyes.

I have more but let me leave it at that 🥲 this is just like the outlines of a story and its already making me sad 🫡 help me.

Anon pls my heart is hurting already 😭😭😭😭 I feel angry w neteyam rn. Bitch I’m going to leave that man rn and go to Ralak cus FUCK. If that other bitch is so good you can have her 💔 okay but are you going to finish this cus I need revenge

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weirdcat1213 · 9 months

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ok i have an oreo on one hand and a shark plushie on the other, lets do this

trimax volume 8 (pls dont hurt me)

thoughts

BUT BEFORE THAT, ACTUAL QUESTION: how are the 1st timers holding up? yall doing good?

ok now long post is here

chap 1:

-oh that title page its SO FUCKING GOOD

-MY BOI HES HERE

-oh hes not....doing it by choice.....oh

-legato looking like a pizza pocket is the comedy relief we all need tbh

-GET HIS ASS VASH GET HIS ASSSSS

-oh my geesus i heard that, i felt that shit

-"they abuse us" and here you are knives...doing the same shit

-OH THANK GOD YOURE HERE

-could you look less happy while doing this shit knives? pls?

-something something divine punishment from the skies, something something yeah ofc not anyone can do that shit

-oh hey why is he with them i actually forgot

-aw :3 i wonder who taught him to not shoot to kill :3

-also pls leave him alone hes not just a killer pls youre hurting my feelings-

-:c

-STOP VASH DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT HOLY SHIT

-rem mention :c

-knives can you stop being right for a second, thanks

-the arm...wow

-OH YES ITS THIS MOMENT YES

-i dont remember what the other translation said but "that was the day we both lost our minds"....yeah im gonna sit with this one for a bit and cry cuz its true, they did

-oh yeah i didnt get this the 1st time lets try again :D

-ohhhhh....oh shit

-i hate siding with knives on this chapter but i cant help it. i also love the idea of being even

-also he looks so fucking cool while being evil, cool points for you knives

-"invasion" and it ends with him looking at the stars/nightsky? brilliant

chap 2:

-STOP BEING RIGHT KNIVES

-ALSO STOP DISTRACTING ME FROM WOLFWOOD TIME

-ah yes, the classic, sweetest, full of angst potential "i will remind of you of your home and how you dont belong there anymore" card, good to see you here

-oh god i forgot about this part, geesus

-ah crap i love this tho, gives you time to actually take in everything that knives is causing. its so easy to gloss over it with some quick panels but to actually take the time...i love it

-ok ik they get absorbed by knives but the idea of them flying away and being free (for a bit) is so pretty, im happy for them

-...geesus christ

-YES MY GIRLSSSSSSSSS :D

-it makes you wonder what they did to stay alive actually, like you never think of that stuff ig

chap 3:

-wait they didnt know???? hold up....yeah ig that makes sense but...hmmm

-YEAH YOU TELL THEM LUIDA >:D

-:c

-ALSO interesting how the borders didnt go black to represent a flashback, so maybe it wants to show how present is that memory in luida's mind. wow

-"maybe hes been waiting for us to come and help him" aaaand thats enough to make me tear up, im the weakest bitch on the planet let me tell you

-YES SEE LUIDA GETS IT

-GET WRECKED BY THE EXISTENCE OF GOOD PEOPLE ASSHOLE

-OH MAN HES BREAKING

-COOL ASS PANEL ALSO

-oh shit so he hit some plants oh shit oh damn

-AH SHIT

-omg she looks so epic while killing people <3

-THERE HE IS HERE WE GO YES GO GET YOUR HUSBAND

-oh look its the man in the tin can lmao

chap 4:

-KILL HIM WOLFWOOD KILL HIM

-HALF A YEAR???? damn i always forget, this is still going at the speed of light tho

-aw no :c my baby :c

-then again i like that you can see that even if it was just half a year (literally nothing for vash) it still caused him pain and suffering, 10/10

-GEESUS BRO HE JUST GOT FREE

-oh shit oh shit no

-im not really sure how he escaped legato but im glad :D also vash is longgggg i lvoe it :3

-well thats just depressing livio

-pls leave livio

-KILL HIM KILL HIMMMM

-ok but vash being basically a ragdoll rn while wolfwood is fighting and bleeding breaks my heart let me tell you

-wolfwood shut the hell up ok? shut up, i dont wanna hear it

-oh im going insane :) i hate wolfwood so much rn (his crime was to say sad things)

-OH IT WAS HERE I ACTUALLY FORGOT THIS WAS THE MOMENT AWWW HOLY SHIT MY BOY

-YES SAVE YOUR HUSBAND

-"youre not lost wolfwood" wolfwood saying all that shit outloud and IK FOR A FACT vash's heart almost broke ik it i feel it

-baby dont apologize :c

-............................................................ :c

-ah fuck hes here

-WAIT HOLY SHIT THAT LIKE SHADOW OF LIGHT???? AMAZING???

-oh oh im sick to my little stomach i fear oh geesus my boy, my baby, im so happy that wolfwood is all you need but also im so sad you dont have anything else, do i make sense?

-threatening you brother and begging him to not sacrifice himself in the same breath...knives the plant that you are

-woooooooooooooooooooooooooow i love that shit, hes so little...

-PLS GOD LET THIS BE IN STAMPEDE PLS PLS I WANT A SCENE WITH BOTH OF THEM IN THE SKY SO BAD PLSSSS

-im not entirely sure what is happening but damn thats nasty

-NO DONT FUCKING SAY THAT

chap 5:

-LMAO HIS FACE XD

-welp...this is terrible

-nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :c

-oh righttttt, i forgot about that plan, so thats why people called him chapel

-oh that panel with livio thats fucking brutal geesus nightow. like the old livio seems so pure and far away while the current livio is so violent and present

-my god he looks like shit

-MARLONNNNNNNNNNNNN :D

-oh meryl my girl :'3 omg shes the best

-im so depressed rn :D

-idc if hes rotting, sadly the man looks majestic af

-ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh ok

-NO DONT LEAVE PLS DONT FUCKING LEAVE PLS NO STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY

OH SHIT THIS IS FREE BIRD OH SHIT OH NO HELP HELPPPPPPPPPPPP

free bird time ig:

-freeeee biiiiird yeaah tururururururu

-wdym congratulations cmon man

-oh honey......

-awww :c

-oh wow now im DEPRESSED :D

-ugh that fucking face

-hes so cool sometimes >:D

-aw you made her cry :c

-"tired of filling a space in other peoples lives"....hmmmm

-aw :c

I hate whats coming i fucking swear.

#trigun #trimax #trigun maximum #trigunbookclub #this shit has me fearing for my life for reasons i wont mention #but MAN CAN WE GO BACK TO LIKE #VOLUME 1 #OF TRIGUN #PLS #PLS IM SO SCARED

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ha-youwish · 12 days

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This is not a vent post, it’s a book recommendation and self-analysis kinda. Please consider reading this, I won’t blame you if you don’t.

Last year around this time, my granddaddy passed away. Usually, online and in formal spaces I would call him my grandfather, but that’s not what I call him and I will not limit myself for this post.

Last year around this time I was beginning my second semester of college ever. I was not doing so well. My grades were low because my attendance was abysmal and my work outside the class was shit. However the previous semester I had taken a class that I was able to stick around for more than the rest.

This class was studying how different major religions and cultures coped with death and how they thought of the afterlife. I bought the books for that class with financial aid and never read them.

Just now I got done reading one of the books, When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner, never read it until I found it sitting around today.

It’s a relatively short book, under 200 pages, about how Kushner deals with the question “Why do bad things happen to good people?” from his place as a rabbi.

Now I don’t have any sort of relationship with god. i’m not strictly atheist or anything but i tend to believe in whatever religion people want me to believe in if they ask me to pray for them or a family member.

when grandaddy died, i had nothing to fall back on. granddaddy was extremely religious and generous, i am so incredibly grateful he was involved in my life and there for me. but people from his church said it was a part of god’s plan or that there was a reason he passed when he did and when i was in such a low state at college already.

i moved away to college and the landlord sold my home. i was in an unfamiliar uncomfortable place where the only place i felt fully comfortable was now completely inaccessible. my mom moved in with grandaddy and took care of him before he passed. it was tense. he was kind but old and stubborn and so is everyone else. the drain of taking care of someone can be worth it, but that doesnt mean its not there.

i was, and am, dealing with severe depression surrounded by other gloomy people who didnt make it much better. i never went to class and i had, and have, crushing guilt that i was wasting the time and money of my family.

and then granddaddy went to the hospital. and then he died. and its unfair.

all of it is unfair, and if it was a part of gods plan then hes fucking unfair too.

now, i have not necessarily moved on. my fingers shake still if i think about it too long. i dont even know if im going to post this because of how exposed and raw i feel. but its important to me that somehow in some way this gets expressed and that someone other than myself will read it.

your suffering was unfair, whether it was a lot or a little. the world is unfair. we all know it. i hope you know that you will never be able to look into the eyes of someone who has never known suffering, and i hope you can find some comfort in that connection.

this book is from the point of view from a religious man. it talks a lot about a god i dont believe in. but the way it talks about suffering and how it effects people makes it helpful for me to parse my own feelings and thoughts.

so feel free to replace god with whatever you want, with humanity and spirit and the universe and everything good. here are some quotes, alt text included:

- sometimes i convince myself that what i feel is nothing more than chemicals, that the regret i feel from not driving home the day before and visiting before he passed was just something my mind is doing.

i once stayed up late at grandaddys house after he passed and i was shoved right back into school like my life hadnt just gotten its shit rocked.

my mom was in her room asleep, but i really couldn’t take it anymore. we stayed up late just talking through how we felt after i had cried to her. and to be completely honest, hearing that she had regrets and wished for just a little more time fucking sucked. knowing the people around you are going through it sucks, even if it was to be expected

but we connected over that long early morning. we resolved almost nothing. i felt the same as i did before and granddaddys still dead and buried. but it was easier to go on after that.

another quote, a tldr if you don’t want to read the book but want to understand what he gets at, in the end of it all.

i dont think i can forgive other people for being unfair, not without effort. but i think i can forgive the universe because the unfairness is proof that people have choices. shit happens, you choose what to do after it.

for a lot of people, mourning and religion bring them the strength to move on, as he talks about in the book. things dont get better because of prayer that god will fix everything or the universe will set itself right again or you can escape through fantasy books to another world,

they get better because something gives us strength to get up again and keep moving. to kushner, thats god and people who came together to support him. to me, i dont know yet, i dont know if i’ve really started to pick up my life yet. but i think this book helped me start to see the bigger picture

#long post #sorry this is kinda personal #but like thanks for reading if you made it this far #im not putting a readmore for Reasons. sorry

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deadlittledogs · 9 months

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I cut off my toxic ex best friend 2 weeks ago. I feel like im nothing without her. I dont know what to do. Everything i did i did with her and now i dont know who i am anymore. Do u have any advice for that? I think we could be in a similar situation

Honestly? Accept that right now you’re going to be in pain and that it’ll always be something that will hurt. There’s a chance that you’ll never come to fully accept what happened and there might never be a day where you come to feel ‘good’ about the whole thing. That doesn’t mean she really loved you, or that it was a mistake to end things, just that there was damage done and there’s no use in pretending it’s something you can scrub off easy-peasy and feel better about in under a month.

Take time to learn to make decisions for yourself. Buy yourself a weird shade of nail polish or get a new hairstyle, in an odd way it feels cathartic to detach yourself from who you were then and start with something fresh. Every week buy yourself the occasional sweet treat, do something your ex would’ve stuck her nose up about, dress like a bad bitch even if all you do is sit in your room afterwards lol. Just be self indulgent and treat yourself like the main character for a little bit, find delight in the things that are specifically you.

Things will probably come in waves, you’ll wake up one morning and miss her so terribly you feel like you could just forgive all her sins if it meant seeing her one more time, other times you wake up and google how the police might investigate for evidence of arson… Sometimes you wake up and just lay there for days and days and cry and cry and cry but most importantly; there will be a day where you wake up and don’t remember her. You’ll eat your breakfast and get dressed and get ready for whatever the day has in store for you and you won’t think about it anymore. You’ll just… exist….. without the onslaught of toxicity being thrown at you…. without the feeling that your whole life was cruelly thrown into a meat blender…… you’ll just be you….

And idk, even if after all this time I’m still alone, my socializing skills have gotten better. My room is cool as fuck. I dress as autistically as I want now. I can rest with the knowledge that I will never be as evil as a cunt as my ex was because when I love someone, I care deeply about them, and I will never create a situation where the person important to me suffers for so long and so terribly. I’m better than them and I’m better than that relationship. You are too. So let yourself be traumatized, let yourself be angry, let yourself be happy in a way that’s not 100% dependent on the approval of another. Just let yourself go through it, man. Cuz it’ll never feel good but one day it will feel better.

and besides, everyone knows, the best way to really needle at another person is not by being a depressed loser (because they will have no sympathy for the pain they’ve created)….. but by being more successful than them……. so sometimes ya let spite take the wheel and you try in life just to show the other person that you don’t purely exist to be a punching bag and you can do just fine on your own without their spindly grip on your back. SO JUST BE PATIENT, TAKE UR TIME AND DON’T PUSH IT. PRAY TO GOD KARMA IS REAL…… GOD SPEED LITTLE SOLDIER…..

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acaciapines · 6 months

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What are your thoughts on fionna and cake so far? Any favorite/least favorite characters or episodes?

i dont know HOW you sent this at the most perfect time but we just finished!! so so so so SO

as a heads up this is! nimona. acacia will add her thoughts after but for me i think i liked cake the most??? its the shape shifting cat of it all I CAN BE A SHAPESHIFTING CAT TOO!! but honestly i think i liked everything im riding the high of finishing it so?? i cant think of things i disliked?? im new to watching things!! this is the first show ive watched!! as me! so its like EXTRA special!!

i really liked all the worlds they went to!! they all were so FUN and the designs were so GOOD i love how they redid fionna she looks SO GOOD NOW and simon's depressed old man energy was real real good! um what else. i dont know!! i had a really good time! i think i liked it more than adventure time proper!! its shorter so it has more time to just be good all around but even the parts of adventure time i really liked i liked fionna and cake more!! whooo!!!!!! nimona out!

-🩷🦈

(acacia now) i also really liked it, haha….i never actually cared much for the fionna and cake episodes in adventure time, but the way they did it here was so so interesting--i think i just really like normal ass people in fantasy stories and it was done really well here, i FELT fionna's energy okay. i too do all of those things.

i was not expecting the stuff with simon and betty but i really liked it!! i found it very interesting…also i pinged it early on like 'huh this seems. mildly unheathly wonder if they do anything with that' and they did! which was great for me personally.

i dont know! i really like stories about fighting for the world you get even when its not perfect…i think the ending did that SO WELL, because like, we get some magic that sticks around (mostly cake) but the world itself doesnt become this fantasy magical land…for the most part its very real.

bubbline was my favorite part of adventure time and i really liked gary/marshall here but WHY DID THEY DO BUBBLEGUM DIRTY LIKE THAT…of all the names they picked GARY??? like. barry is right there………..truly the only choice i do not understand. cannot fathom how they got gary. is this payback for all of bonnie's unethical sciencing. honestly thats fair.

also me watching pb and marcy in the vampire world: oh yeah i might be aromantic but i am 100% gay too always nice to be reminded

overall! we had a BLAST watching this and now that we're done i. i dont know what we're gonna do with our time anymore.

actually thats a lie i need to read the adventure time high school aus. i know they have to exist. every fandom has them. i need to study them with a microscope i need to know how people try to adapt adventure time into a human high school au when most of the main characters are fully adults. do they just make jake a normal dog.

the true answer is jake should be a furry <3

okay thats all for us if you cannot tell we are still riding the fionna and cake high. deciding to watch adventure time was the best decision we made.

#ask #fionna and cake #🩷🦈#also literally how did you send this ask not 2 minutes after we finished #what are the odds. what timing #also ANTHONY BURCH??? OF DUNGEONS AND DADDIES FAME??? WAS A WRITER?????#i literally googled this like ten times i was like surely its a different guy #but i think?? its the same guy???#like good for him i just. only know him from the podcast dfkgdfg #so it makes sense he has other jobs but i was NOT EXPECTING IT OKAY.#also if you wanted to know my overall favorite episode from all of adventure time:#obsidian from distant lands.#so good i watched it one night and the next night immediately watched it again #finally 'have you considered a daemon au'#yes but it wouldnt work here (aka add anything of interest). and thank fucking god #cannot be writing any more of those I WILL NOT BE TRAPPED AGAIN--

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cody-apexart · 1 year

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Day 12

This is honestly more or less a shitting on apex post. I apologies, but srsly. My time in Saigon has been so enjoyable, I really love this city and most of the experiences I have had, but the organization and communication style implemented by apex is making this less fun! Im in a bad mood, and had a bad day. Here’s the play by play:

I feel like the zoom mediation class today really set my day up for failure. Ive been practicing mediation on and off for over half my life— at this point Im pretty particular about what I like, and have tried out a lot of different styles to figure out what I enjoy and what works for me. This zoom meditation class lead by some man in southern California really was more of an hour long lecture of this dude talking about how he used to be depressed but now he isnt, and maybe 15 min of mediation max. I was all about work, like work like jobs, like capitalist meditation. When he said the phrase “hiring managers read your energy body” I knew I had heard enough. Which was kinda for the best, because I started looking at my email and noticed two had just come in from apex! One contained information that said the pottery class on my sched started at 9am not 10am. I had been preped to get there at 10, and at the time I was reading that email, it was already after 9am. I called the studio and they said I could still attend, though I did miss an hour of workshop time. Also, once I got there they said the ceramics wont be ready for 2 weeks. In 2 weeks I wont be here anymore. Why wouldn’t yall schedule this class earlier in my schedule? Also it was noted in my sched that the class would cost 40000 VND, but it was really 400000 VND. I also got an email from apex that I was RSVPd for a tech company business mixer. I hadn’t noticed it on my schedule because it was set for the wrong time, the event was probably entered in EST, so it was coming up on friday instead of thursday and was kinda hidden by the other long event on my friday sched. This email was my first time hearing about it, and since I was already reeling from the meditation class and time change to pottery I was like wtfffff.

Like what type of weird ass shit is that? Send someone with no tech experience to an even that is intended for people working in tech and living in Vietnam? Its just like why send me to crash their party? I don’t really understand, there are so many other places I could talk to strangers without being so out of place, like out of place in a way that kinda feels disrespectful and disruptive to the event. I dont mind being out of place or having to talk to stagers, but it just feels rude to show up to an event I rly have no business being at. Since the story slam, anything that comes off eventbrite I am very skeptical of.

Idk why nearly everything on the schedule feels like its made out to be a riddle. The times are wrong, the addresses are wrong. I can never just do what the calendar says and expect it to work out seamlessly. I feel like I spend so much troubleshooting shit that should already be taken care of.

Also I still havnt been reimbursed for this plane ticket?! Even though I sent the necessary info twice, and it says in a number of places that I can request reimbursement whenever id like. Similarly, the agreement I signed notes 45 days will be given in advance to get a visa if necessary, I was given 6 six businesses days notice. Like all of this is just causes what feels like /unnecessary/ stress, unless that feeling is all part of the program too? Im trying to just learn a lesson in loosing control.

Anyway, I went a little rouge today and didnt go to capoeira. I was emotionally exhausted, and my ankle is a little weird and clicky from walking so much. This is the first activity ive skipped-- I probably wouldnt have skipped it if I didnt already do the class last week, but knowing how intense it was, and how bad I felt, it was the right decision for me today. I cant wait for this upcoming day off. Two weeks non-stop is starting to get to me.

I went to a later screening of the movie since my evening was free, and wow, another movie centered around a traumatic pregnancy experience. The main character miscarried during a robbery at 6 months. I watched the trailer this time to avoid this type of thing, but it didnt reveal that plot point. actually the whole movie was actually about really toxic abusive relationships, but the trailer made it seem like a comedy. Anyway this was less fucked up than the abortion horror movie, but still fucked up. okay, but also the main character did ceramics, and i did a ceramics class this morning...was that planned? how curated are these days? I think this trip is the only time I have ever been in a movie theater without a friend or companion. Watching movies alone is totally new for me, just like how ive literally never used a pottery wheel before today. Also mark making scares me so painting the ceramic bowl I made was notably difficult for me. I am incredibly grateful for these experiences despite everything i just vented about.

#Cody Herrmann #Outbound to Ho Chi Minh City

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tojasosbigmek · 19 days

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I just cant sleep, and its eclipse time. An intense one. It has been so long since I wrote an actual real rant. I dont even know how and what to begin on. Current feelings: being scared because im emotionally being put out, being vulnerable. Why? Because im tryna let my guards down. Im just so scared. I really do love this man. So im being sad and crying since this started. Purging out old shit that is needed to be let go. If we think about it, it is really a blessing. Everything is, honestly. We always progress forward, we can never go backwards or undo the growth.

Things can suck, but don't be afraid of it. Let it happen, then it will go. The bad feelings, feeling betrayed, broken, like wanting to die, they are all extremely bad and intense feelings but they pass. Which is still an interesting and new thing for me. I prolly never let things go, and im learning it how to. But it is also quite common for people to bottle up.

Honestly, im just happy to just be. It is always getting better. You know, it cant be peaceful only, things break down and start, there is chaos before peace, and there is silence before the storm. And it is how it is. It cannot be any different and it is unimaginable to live in complete peace. We sometimes experience downfall, breaking, sadness, depression, mental breakdowns, losses of all kinds, but then, there is space for something new. There are endless possibilities, and you know, this is just awesome and just feels so justifying and feels like i cracked the code, the code that mostly no one understands and do not make any steps to do so. They stop there, they have their reality that way, and they stay there, even though they are suffering. Because they are the suffer themselves. You can't see more of the world than what you can see right now. It is simple as that. Sounds like every reality is real and valid, but honestly, as someone that is over a lot of hardships and kinda found peace in living, i feel like i have lived in an illusion. Well, everything is one. If we get out of something, we can see it as something different. A dream is only unreal when we are woken up. So, shifting is always something we need to change. What initiates change? Thats a more complex thing for me to simply answer. It's like, if there was a potential in our core what we use. We can say its our path to go. It's written. But, honestly, its not written, its just that time is not real, we experience everything at once but we like to be in different dimensions of existence, where time is being percieved. So, you basically know everything. Everything, you were, you are and you will be, if we think in the time existence. But, you are not you, you are you with every other beings so there is no them against you but only you.

With all of this knowledge, its hard to actually live on Earth. Im hardly staying here. Im not compatible with this place because i dont belong here anymore, hence my growth stage. But i came here because i wanted to. So now, even tho I am hardly alive here, I try to be more compatible with this place and try to give meaning of my stay.

There are things I still don't know, so yeah, I still have place here thankfully. Like, I don't know why love hormones do not fill my body, while I know that I am in love. What is this whole thing tho? When am I attached for traumatic reasons, regarding only myself vs. when I actually love the other person? If a person is someone I actually need because they give something I dont have yet, thats temporary and is not lasting. Its karmic. Its intense. If its not intense, but I rather see with my third eye, that its something to keep and cherish, and just me having unconditional love towards a person, thats a whole different thing. Seems like something I kinda have the control over. But, even if we cant have control, we dont need that. We just need to stay in touch with ourselves, and let the flow happen, which is not painful.

Even if im writing this out, I will not actively think about it. I don't even need to tho, cuz its all in me. I wish to release whats not serving me, what is not supposed to be there, and I'm willing to let go of these emotions, I'm willing to relive what I could not process before, to process it now. I don't care about what people think because they don't know anything. They are programmed by society.

I have to say, I am also scared of studying, because I am scared that I will fail. I think about it differently, but this is how I feel, because I store this.

I feel like I could talk and talk and talk never endingly.

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jadesbrain · 21 days

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20240406

i am still stuck begging. still longing for something that will never be. things arent getting any better. we're still constantly arguing about things that dont need to be argued over and if you asked him he would just say that it's my fault. that im the one causing all the arguments due to my constant complaining and nagging. but he doesn't clean unless i hold his hand to help him, he doesnt help pick up or even pick up his own things. he literally told me he needs me to guide him in order for him to clean his own house. i am not going to mother him. i am not going to raise a grown man. im already raising our son. tonight i cleaned almost the entirety of downstairs by myself. moved the couch, swept, mopped, dishes, sippy cups, high chair tray and the cover, moved everything by the stairs, and wiped off the dining room table. i know since i stay home all of this should have already been done but it gets so overwhelming. i clean one thing, move onto the next, and then the last thing i cleaned is already dirty again. and i know having a mini tornado running around doesnt really help but he really just tears up the living room and his room but his room is always the cleanest in the house. honestly, life would have been easier had i kept my job. my husband and i might not be married but at least i wouldnt be picking up after two children. im so tired. i have been thinking about taking my life quite frequently. some days it seems so peaceful. just to die. to not have to beg, expect, or try to get my husband to act like he's in love with me. in death, i wouldnt have to beg anyone to help me around the house or have to constantly push through days where i want to hide away and never see the light of day again. other days it's not so bad. the days my son and i go to the park and he actually eats breakfast(he's teething rn), and we stick to the little schedule i made for us. the days my husband makes an effort to show his appreciation for what i do for our family and at leasts thanks me for the workload i carry and the mental burden of everything else. i am constantly going back and forth with myself about whether i should just take my life or not. theres nothing left in my marriage for me to hold onto. the love, the passion, the care.. it's all gone. sure if i did kill myself they might blame my depression or ptsd or even my bpd. but it's not any of that. it's the abuse when i was 7 and begging for a family. it's begging to be seen as a daughter by my stepdad while his daughters came to visit for the summer, constantly wondering why i was a bandage instead of a daughter. it's watching my mom become a borderline alcoholic and becoming addicted to smoking while i barely had money in my lunch account, staying home to watch my brother because she couldnt afford the after school care and no one else could watch him. it's being told that nothing was wrong with me all these years while i had 4 suicide attempts between the ages of 13-17. it's trusting someone to take me to see my family and then they shoved my head up to force me to kiss them. it's my great grandma dying within 2 months of that. it's me being raped in my sleep for 2 weeks and then everyone finding out about it. it's me being raped in my sleep again and developing ptsd stemmed insomnia. it's me getting kicked out of my in-laws house with my 6 month old son with no car and no place to go. it's my husband begging me to stay with them after and not caring about my mental health. it's my husband never realizing that i needed him to lean on, his shoulder to cry on. it's my husband making me feel like i am too much and the love i want is too high of expectations. it's me still fighting for him to care about me and love him right. it's my son now being at an age where he doesn't need me anymore. all of this, all the abuse, the rape, the trauma, the begging. for what? just to end up wanting to kill myself and no one realizing. i dont have a plan. i just want to die.

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self-h-rmageddon · 4 months

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i had a bad dream and it was a bad dream because it really wasnt that bad

it was about brian, he came back to me again and i. was mad but he owned up to his mistakes and he missed the attention i gave him and i missed giving it and i fucking went back to him and i felt butterflies and. i lingered too long, i wanted to stay

it makes me so SICK no matter how far i denounce him, it doesnt matter if i never think of him much, my brain cant let him go for some reason. why do you miss that? i was so miserable, i was being used. he ADMITTED that he didnt want me to be happy with anyone else and that he wouldnt try to make me happy at all so?

why do i still feel like i want him? its so hard to shake.. i do want him. i really dont, but i miss the attention, even if it was nothing at all. even if the closest thing i could get to any kind of affection was an "aw" when i was sad, i wouldve PUT UP WITH IT for him. i told him that, i told him i would deal with it if he could just.. sincerely apologize to me. for yknow. sexting a teenager!! but he didnt. he wouldnt. he said he couldnt apologize if he didnt mean it

my head still tries to make little fantasy scenarios with him, where everything turned out well and he could change and we could. what??? be happy together? yeah right. he didnt like you fat, didnt like you as a man and only entertained it longer cuz even if yr a man, you still have a cunt and thats what he wanted. annoying as fuck

i just wish i could let it go!!!!! why do i dream about him? and why are they good dreams? dreams that make me wake up with this sense of yearning, something i REALLY need to kill right away like. as fast as possible

im not going back to him i never ever will im . ive never been happier!!! when i left it felt like the end of the world and i was so depressed but ive NEVER FELT BETTER. i have people who actually love me now

and also??? he always pulled this shit talking about how i was a problem for him too, bitch?????? i was 16, you were talking to a 16 yr old with undiagnosed bpd of course im not gonna act RATIONALLY im fucking scared!!!! i was so scared!!! that first night when we met and like. 10 minutes after asking me how old i was it got sexual like IMMEDIATELY and it. felt nice but i was still scared. he doesnt even REMEMBER that conversation, but its burned into my brain. if you want a mature partner then maybe talk to an adult 🥳

i miss the attention, yes, but i dont miss how it made me feel. i dont miss the way it made my guts turn, made me shake. makes me shake just thinking about it. its the same reason i panic on fucking GRINDR, having people interested in me in that way is scary, it reminds me of him. i? i dont know.. its like whenever i get into sexual situations if its not approached gently i get SCARED, scared as if i was a kid again. it wasnt just him, after all. i wish i could just.. grow up? i wish that i didnt get so scared but i know its not my fault, i know that. whatever happened to me, i should have been PROTECTED. i shouldve been safe, but i wasnt

and it makes me so fucking angry? i never told anyone then because i knew that if i told my family, theyd blame me. and i LOVED him, i didnt want anything bad to happen to him, even if what he was doing was so horribly bad for me. i used to talk vaguely about him with my therapist and i started to frustrate her, thats why i dont go anymore. she would get frustrated because she didnt know what my problem is. I KNOW what my problem is, i just.. i was still talking to him, i was trying to approach it in a way that would protect him, even if he didnt deserve it

man. i hate being a tool for people, like genuinely. so tired of it.. yeah, tell me all about yr problems and ill be there to comfort you and listen. never ask about mine tho! never never never. you can ask me for nudes or pictures of my underwear, force me to roleplay with you even tho ive made it clear i dont really like it. ill do it to get you off! im so.

im glad i left. it was a good choice, he made me completely fucking miserable. very few times have i gone thru so much pain it literally forces me to dissociate from my body and view myself from above but! asking someone like that to apologize for uhh idk a crime? guess thats TOO FAR, tried sayin "erm well actually age of consent laws are higher in the us then a lot of countries ☝🤓" kill yourself!!!! like actually!!!!! im glad hes always miserable, i hope it never gets better for him ever

thats the worst part about it. is if it wasnt me, i would absolutely advocate for his death. because hes the kind of person i fucking despise, hes the absolute worst person to me. but i just.. i have a hard time extending that to him because he was awful to ME. he was mine and i used to love him!! i should hate him, and i do, i just wish it came as easy as hating any other predator

hated the way he acted when we argued tho, he tried gaslighting me before. you do not gaslight someone with bpd!!!!! cuz i fucking remember!! i read into everything anyone does extra of COURSE ill remember what happened. tried telling me i initiated it when i literally didnt cuz i knew better!!! i knew i shouldnt be talking to adults, but.. i did it anyways. that fucks me up a lot, it makes me blame myself. i knew i shouldnt, but the attention felt too nice, i didnt want to lose it and LOOK where it got me. permanently altered 🥳 nice job.

will NEVER let him blame me tho, cuz he started it. we separated like 4 times, and EACH TIME, he came back. am i that good? fuck if i know cuz it never felt like i was. probably missed getting his dick wet to our messages honestly. cuz when i was finally 18 he came back and immediately made it sexual again. im ashamed that i didnt stop him

i remember we argued because he thought i was irrational in thinking he would do bad things to me considering he literally told me before "so, consent doesnt matter between us, right?" ??????? im irrational for that?? do you even hear yrself? idk it just. pisses me off i hate him, i wish i could permanently kill the part of my brain that dreams of him fondly because it doesnt happen often but when it does it ruins my whole day

i just. i was too immature to be in a relationship with, but mature enough to be sexted every night? make it make sense!!!!! ik this is a lot, i just. need it off my chest so i can go back to normal. i wish it didnt affect me still but it does. i wish i could have fun!!!! wish i wasnt scared of getting sexual without randomly getting this intense sharp FEAR, fear that shoves me back and makes me run. i want to HEAL from this, i dont want to be like this anymore it fucking sucks. i feel like he ruined me. he'd roll his eyes at that

#this is kinda heavy #sorryyyyy #tw grooming #need it off my chest for now

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im-always-the-problem-its-me · 6 months

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i don't know what the fuck just happened

i somehow managed to fuck up SO's birthday and feel awful. ive gotta make a big drive tomorrow night and have to fuck up my sleep schedule on purpose and with how emotionally exhausting this whole day was it's that much more difficult.

i legit started rambling, feeling very 'i'm a piece of shit, what do you want..let's make jokes about how fucked up i am while i detach emotionally when you have a breakdown' like roman fucking roy and then i even said 'i'm roman fucking roy, i don't know what you want from me'.

here's what i think happened: nutshell version because being vague is safer and i'm also tired.

SO has been depressed. i can't do shit about it. i have a bad habit when i'm overwhelmed with my own shit to be like 'let's try to just be super happy and pretend his breakdown isn't happening because i can't handle men crying on the floor because i'm used to men getting angry, yelling or worse...hitting me.' so i avoid. it's a symptom of complex PTSD apparently and also i think ptsd doesn't accurately describe what i have anymore because nothing is 'post'. this shit is happening right now and im constantly triggered because i figured out i'm still being abused and emotionally manipulated by my parents as an adult and i don't know wtf to do about it. i think im going to need therapy again. SO says he thinks he wants to go see one again too.

there's nothing wrong with our relationship. it's individually, we're both fucked up. it doesn't help i have this 'not really, but kind of' a side thing but it's not affecting things here. (im still a piece of shit because if anything its kind of an emotional affair...i dont know...feelings are fine...if i act on them then that's different...this is an old flame too and we're close, always have been...it's just an intense friendship bordering upon dangerous with flirtations but THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE)

'you never shut up' SO said to me out of anger. broke down after he said it even though i agreed even though it stung. i told him don't worry about it. it was true. i need to to not put all my shit on him. that's why i suggested therapy again.

i explained that i don't feel mad or upset by anything that happened tonight..just feel bad because yes he called me out on being emotionally detached and i have been lately because im a fucking mess. i also tend to run from everything so i even told him fuck it, we can move back because it's fine me being a mess but since he's the breadwinner, when he falls apart it's bad for both of us. i'm already on benefits because of epilepsy that's intractible. nothing I can do about that. but he needs to be ok.

he keeps looking at me like i'm nuts but dude, i've been running my whole life. i wanted to settle and stay here forever and i love this place more than any place i have ever lived but look i'm still sick here and i got issues popping up like god hates me.

i'm not even roman roy. i think because i detached instead of wearing it on my face or crying like kendall. maybe i'm a mix of both. i dunno. that show speaks to me on so many levels. i rewatched Hannibal too and i'm just like wtf. then i picked my favorite mommy issues movies to put on.

here's what i know happened: two people who love each other very much aren't doing well mentally but their relationship isn't what's making the other fucked up. it's everything else they have never dealt with making them individually fucked up and tonight it blew up. bad timing. neither of us could help each other. he got rightfully pissed. i am not upset he got pissed and the one thing he said out of anger was a very true fucking statement that put a big mirror in front of my face.

i realized too that i cannot handle a man having a breakdown. he asked why i always just walk away from him when hes like that? well because i don't know what to do with it and also what if it turns into something else and the man is going nuts on me or taking it out on me? i don't know. i'm very fucked up.

i hate victim mentality bullshit. i try not to put stuff on anyone. so i sweep it away like it's not fucking happening and i got called out on that. i don't know how to be there for him. i can't help it i have ingrained weird ideas. i try just not to be a cunt ok? and i don't know maybe i was one tonight? i don't even know. i apologized for getting loud when i did because i had my earplugs in so didn't realize how loud i was and i also hadn't eaten all day and it was making me hangry so my brain couldn't even process anything until after i ate.

a man shaking and crying on the floor because of me? (or what i perceived as being about me?) all i thought was get away from him because you're hurting him and nothing you do is going to make it better...and then it was like i felt like my mom. that's what she did. no comfort for the crying ones...just walk away until it's over. but i'm not his mommy. i'm his SO. he even said 'i don't want you to baby me or anything, just a little comfort would be nice.' he's right. but again, why are you crying in the first place? i'm selfish so i'm thinking 'wtf i'm a mess...now i have to wonder why you're a mess...wtf' and jfc no....i don't know what the fuck happened.

we need to both get some help with our issues somehow or we're not going to make it if repeats like this keep happening. i can't even call it a fight. it was more just a collective breakdown. he went to bed red eyed and mumbling. i'm up exhausted but numb af.

fucking a.

it's good i'll be gone for a day. give us both some time away just to think. well, he'll be able to anyway, ill be cramped in a car with 7 other people for 18 hours. not that i'm complaining. i've gotta do this to help out with bills and plus now i've got an obligation because my mother keeps putting shit on me and didn't even give me a chance to say no and if i don't make this trip a lot of people are out of money so im basically unable to back out even if wanted to. fuck it. i think i'll finally be able to chill next year. i'm going to make myself anyway. get through holidays. have a good time on our concert trip in january. hopefully by them my SO and i are in better places mentally too.

one hour at a time.

#life #writing #bitch im kendall roy #eldest daughter #personal #tldr im fucked up

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inner-solstice · 6 months

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I don’t know how I feel anymore. I don’t think I know how to.

I’m heartbroken over so many things. I’m heartbroken over how my father did this to my family and I. I’m heartbroken over him thinking so so poorly of me when I’ve tried so hard to be perfect all of these years. Im heartbroken that the person I thought I’d spend forever with, left me for some child. It’s not her fault. She deserves happiness. I’m heartbroken that I still feel strong emotions for someone that really should just be my best friend instead of my lover. I’m heartbroken that I don’t have a connection with my family. I’m heartbroken that I truly do not know myself and have really been suffering from an identity crises for many many years now, making reality difficult, making me feel insane.

I haven’t gotten over the first divorce, or who I thought was my best friend, moving away. Losing my childhood home. Regretting that I didn’t see my sister in the hospital when she was dying because I was too fucking weak and selfish to see her like that. I regret spending my time with someone who hurt me instead of not being there with my mom and my sisters going through the first divorce. And here I am doing it again. I can’t help it. I dont know why I won’t allow myself to stop and feel the pain, truly truly process and cry. Maybe I spent so long with the alcohol and numbing myself with drugs that now I am permanently numb inside. Maybe I’ve put myself in so many painful situations that nothing can be anymore painful than the last 8 years.

I don’t have any source of path or purpose. I have zero interest in anything.

I force myself to try and do new things. It’s seriously painful to try.

I feel crazy inside…the panic is worse…I can’t afford meds

I am in debt from my surgery but lost my job working at our family office because of what my dad has done to us. I am not allowed to get a job right now. Everything is so unstable and uncomfortable.

My bed isn’t my bed, this home isn’t my home. I haven’t had a true home in..what, 2 years? It’s my fault. I have so many fears of living on my own. Everyone I talk to about it just says they are all excuses. I will not listen to people shutting my feelings down like that.

Like it even matters anyways. I seriously do not know where to go from here. Im going to be 26 in December. As a kid, as a teen, I thought I’d be dead by this time. I never ever thought I’d make it this far in life.

I can’t get out of this depression. Im traumatized of what my dad did. I cried the day it happened but after processing it a little…I feel so fucked up inside.

I left my friends place today and tried to listen to sad songs to get myself to cry and scream and just let it out. It ALMOST worked. I live close to her and I wasn’t about to sit in my car and cry with the possibility of my family catching me so I didn’t cry.

I have to lie to M a lot about what really gets said behind closed doors. I’m afraid of losing her. It’s so difficult for me to explain how a person who left me a lot when I struggled feels the closest to stability to me. Maybe it’s because we always come back to each other, I don’t know.

I’ve put myself through hell trying to not lose her.

I’ll be honest, I was totally ready to off myself before she called.

I need her right now, more than ever with all of this going on.

I know at some point I’m going to have to be okay with being on my own and relearning how to do things on my own, how to find myself and cope and find interest…just overall be a person.

My mother and Ashley railed me about so many things. Some things I told M about, but not the other things that triggered me into a panic attack.

Ashley had to shove salt on my tongue because I was passing out from hyperventilating. It’s getting bad again.

I find it incredibly hard to sleep, oh god and I know what no sleep does to the mind body and soul.

It’s like when I was 9 all over again. I’ll shut my eyes and see the trauma happening all over again. I’ll wake up so many times. After a while it starts to hurt my head and I have to get up just to go cry and try to calm myself down. It’s been hard man…

I take baths and showers to ease my anxiety. I haven’t taken a bath in a couple weeks but I do find myself taking 3-4 showers in a span of 3 hours some nights when I’m home.

I’m terrified. I do not know what’s to come. I can’t believe this is my life.

I do think I want to end it all….but that pain will manifest itself into something more intolerable than what I’m going through and distribute itself into my friends and family. I don’t want to do that. They’ve been through enough. Another part of me wants to just pack all of my stuff up and disappear.

I genuinely thought up the process of disappearing.

Anyways, it’s always been kind of hard for me to connect with my family. To relate to them. I feel so different than them. Ashley and delanie are so much like my mom. Strong willed and share such a close bond. I feel like I’m more like my father…someone who doesn’t know boundaries and can be so super selfish. I isolate when it gets bad so that doesn’t help. When delanie broke up with her boyfriend, all my mom and Ashley could say to me is “don’t say this Tayler, don’t say that”

Like I know I’m not stupid. I know how to fucking act, but it’s the fact that they think I’m some type of way. Ashley told me that she sometimes is afraid to go to sleep because she’s worried she will find me dead the next morning..is it trauma?

Delanie has always been traumatized from my history with my father and I. It’s kind of all she grew up with. She grew up during me struggling as a teen. I can’t blame her for feeling some deep rooted childhood way towards me. I get it.

However, I never expected that from my mom or ash

And it seems so recent where they have been treating me like that. Like I’m some…black sheep.

Now that my dad is gone, it’s like they need to find someone else to blame or talk crap about or confront or whatever the hell that was a couple nights ago when I had my panic attack. Shit alll over me and my decisions and my friends. Like what the hell.

I get concern is a factor but making me feel bad in every single way possible didn’t do me any good. It made me feel so much worse. I completely shut down.

I ate my last meal for a while…I crave sleep so badly. I don’t know how I’m going to be when my grandma and my uncle come down for thanksgiving.

I usually am the outgoing one that everyone loves talking to. My grandma always said I was the favorite. It’s not like delanie and Ashley talk to the family anyways .

It will be weird now that I’m shut down. It will be weird knowing I will have absolutely nothing to talk about with them after what has happened with my father.

I feel so useless and lifeless. I’m trying to cry rn. I’m listening to sad music while writing this out and I feel it in my throat a little bit but nope..not there yet…

I feel like I want to be alone but I also feel like I need someone with me. At least be there when I wake up from my nightmares. I don’t know if that’s me being codependent or not…I don’t know if it’s a bad thing for me to need someone when I wake up from that fucking repetitive trauma nightmare. Ah jeez..I feel the tears coming now haha….

I don’t really use primary social media anymore, except maybe to have a window to reality. Ironic considering…it really isn’t but shit it’s better than this.

It’s making me so angry that I can’t cry.

I swear it’s like someone could tell me anything to try to hurt me and I would feel absolutely nothing. I’ve been through true true hell for so many years. I have to learn to tell myself it’s okay to admit I’ve been through heal and pain that is unfathomable.

Even where I was…everyone in there immediately told me and my mom that it was easy to see how we have been through hell and we are so strong. That confirmed a lot for me. I’m sure so many people must’ve been sobbing their eyes out. All I wanted to do was comfort my mom. I couldn’t cry.

I told myself that maybe me being alone would help me cry, I’m now thinking maybe I just need someone to hug me, and I mean like REALLY hug or hold me so I can finally let go and I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing my face, including myself when I cry.

I haven’t slept all night. Amazing. Tomorrow is my moms birthday. I haven’t drank but I have got to stay away from alcohol

Drew is in Italy right now. He will be back soon and he offered for me to stay with him, Trace, and Blake at his parents place for a couple days so they can help me get away. Always love my three musketeers. Never fail to make me laugh and actually enjoy life for a brief moment. They’ve been there for me for god…almost 14 years. They are probably the closest thing to an adult male who hasn’t disappointed me or try to hurt me. I don’t think I’ve ever actually known a true adult man who isn’t toxic as fuck.

That pain in my throat has went away now….fucking cry already asshole.

Maybe I just need everyone in my life to all hug me at once and and that will make me cry. My mom, Ashley, delanie, my grandma, Mexi, Tylo, Drew, trace, Blake, Bri. All the people I know for sure care about me. Just one giant hug so I can cry.

Ahhh and there it is…just imagining that made me shed a tear. Just one though. I’m trying to cry more but I’m so scared of feeling pain. My walls keep going up. I’ve got this… just fucking feel tayler…

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zombies-aliens · 1 year

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Sooo my crush transferred stores and I'm lowkey heartbroken. Ima be okay tho. I feel slightly depressed about it. Or bummed out about it I dont want to be dramatic. I'm really gonna miss her man. I just feel like something was there. A spark of some kind. I told her what was on my mind and she said I'm ok and things are fine.

... 🤷‍♂️

I wrote in her goodbye card at work. I said something like thanks for always being friendly and hope everything works out in your favor! and signed my name. Really thankful for my coworker for coming up to me and asking if I wanted to sign it.

I know im probably really sad bc it's still fresh. But don't get me wrong I'm not super depressed but man I get nostalgic thinking about everything in the past that involved her from beginning to end. The first time she said hi to me, the first time we introduced ourselves to each other, our first talk I had with her before I left work that one time, this makes me sad bruh lmaoooo and... our last talk 😔 she said we'll keep in touch since we have each other on snapchat. I hope we really do. We might not even talk much but I'd be happy if we talk AT ALL.

I'm holding tight to every memory I have with her. Big and small. I remember eating with her for the first time like she actually got dumplings for us to share together and IT WAS GOOD AS HELL. I felt the love tbh but maybe she was being a good friend. I'll miss seeing how cute and pretty she is. I'll miss it all man. I'm down bad bro I haven't even known her for a year smh lmao. But I had feelings for her.. instantly dude.

The worst part is that I'll probably never see her in person again. Unless by some coincidence. I'm reallyyyyy gonna miss seeing her in person. Her smile, her eyes. She was really cute man. And when she had makeup and did her hair she was stunning 😍!!!

I'm really.. gonna fucking miss her. But I know I will get over her and life goes on. But right now I'm really gonna be bummed out no seeing her name pop up in the roster on my work app. And not seeing her anymore at work. Man just saying these sentences got me feeling sad wanting to cry. I feel like crying but it's not strong enough to come out lol. Idk am I being a baby about this guys? I feel like I am lol

I'm not gonna move on to the next girl like that. I still like her and if she ever reaches out ill respond. I don't expect anything for some months since she lives her own life and I'll just have to respect that.. man ima miss her lol. Just wanna be over it already lol.

U know what I think I miss? I miss having a girlfriend. I miss having a reliable person in my life where I can have a good time with. Feeling loved. Just feeling GOOD in general. I want that again. I broke up with an online gf a while back in the beginning of this year, to see if there's a chance with this girl (obviously didn't work out lol but never say never right?..) and there's plenty of says when I wanted to just get back with her and things to go back to normal. I miss being called baby, I miss being called my love, I miss feeling cared for, and giving it back to my long distance relationship. But she was trans dude.. she has a penis. I'm not down with that. Im just not. I could just not have sex with her but I don't think u understand I don't want my girl to have a penis whether even if ill never interact with it. (I'm talking like I'm talking w someone irl in a way lmao just the way I write tho yall it's fun)

Umm but yeah :// I wonder how she felt about me. I wonder if she wondered anything about me?

I think I made an interesting insight tho. Do I just want to feel loved and cared for and feel happy? I mean I can't blame myself I think anyone would want that as well as other things too. But those are some of the main ones.

It's still crazy to me. I'm about to go to work and ima go in her department to get water and she just... won't be there. She wont be there tomorrow or next time i go to work ever anymore. Fuck man this shit makes me wanna cry. I'm acting like she died bruh 😂😂😂 why tf am I THIS sad, goodness 😭😔

Everything makes me nostalgic about her now man. 😢 ima just go to work and look ill be fine I'm not gonna bust into tears. But I'll be thinking of her when I have a moment of silence in the restroom or anywhere I get a quiet moment to myself.. she will never read this but I think I was falling for that girl.

#ima miss her

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b0nemilk · 1 year

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And I cried to him

“Babe I’m really depressed”

*burst into tears*

If I’m being honest with myself I haven’t felt very mentally secure recently

Which scares me because as far as I told myself recently is “im okay” or “nothing bad has happened yet” but in my quiet mind my thoughts race my body is gaining the depression weight I can’t hide from myself anymore. I can’t seem to feel silly or be outgoing like I used to. Even in a new place people seem uninteresting. When I see them Commune I can’t seem to shake the unfulfilled mess I felt about desperately wanting a friend group or waiting for the idea of me laughing with a group of girls trotting down the street arms interlocked. A world where the idea of having another persons skin touching me wasn’t uncomfortable with me or where physical touch wasn’t excruciating unless it wasn’t platonic. I wish I could go get my hair done without me hating the feeling of someone’s finger tips on my scalp. GET AWAY FROM ME I SCREAM. Have I changed since I last met myself? I remember loving posting silly pictures or videos of myself. Or taking a picture of myself I spent hours on my make up for to feel beautiful. Now I’m natural and I can unquestionably announce that minimal amounts of makeup don’t scare me anymore. Sure I’ve gotten used to my face naturally or maybe I’m in a relationship where being shaved 24/7 and wearing flattering or trendy clothes doesn’t matter anymore. But now I HATE THE WAY I look . Is it some deep psychological thing where I’m seeing a Natural version of myself stripping away all the modifications I’ve given myself is actually a issue ? I’ve gained weight stopped wearing as much make up and idk I guess It’s like “what your supposed to do to the journey of self love “ love YOURSELF right well . I do see it , I haven’t died my hair in months soon I’m sure people will start seeing my blonde roots , I’m so scared to go clothes shopping , and I’m terrified of weighing myself cuz my body has changed to . I still want to be the dark haired skinny girl who a man would want to pick up and protect not just a man I want the world to want to protect me agian. Idk I feel like I should talk to a therapist. I have a lot of unprocessed trauma which I feel by the looks of me isn’t hard to guess life is getting really hard agian but it’s only hard in my head. Sometimes I feel like anyone takes me seriously because I’m always irl actually really grotesque and doing weird things or saying outrageous and “not lady like things “ but maybe it’s just because I never felt pretty like a princess or recognized in the society gaze I was always “bigger” or “gruff” or “a really funny Person” i KNOW IM WEIrED I KNOW SOMTIMIMES I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIT IN I KNOW SOMETIMES I DO WEIRD THINGS AND I KNOW I MOVE AWKWARLDY. I KNOW MY POSTURE IS HORROBLE I KNOW IM NOT ENTISING UNLESS YOU THINK “I CAN FIX HER” I KNOW IT I KNOW IT I KNOW IT. Now I have everything I want. Why is it I still feel so far away from life. Why can’t I look at myself anymore . I why don’t I still have friends even when I had the chance of a fresh slate. I feel horrible for telling my boyfriend how I have been feeling I know he only wants to help but I feel So dumb saying these things. You can only repeat yourself a number of times before you , yourself even starts feeling crazy . I know I only have to be hopeful and take it day by day but god am I wishing for some encouragement by some Devine force to tell me not for much longer

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