tojasosbigmek

[tojasosbigmek]

I just cant sleep, and its eclipse time. An intense one. It has been so long since I wrote an actual real rant. I dont even know how and what to begin on. Current feelings: being scared because im emotionally being put out, being vulnerable. Why? Because im tryna let my guards down. Im just so scared. I really do love this man. So im being sad and crying since this started. Purging out old shit that is needed to be let go. If we think about it, it is really a blessing. Everything is, honestly. We always progress forward, we can never go backwards or undo the growth.

Things can suck, but don't be afraid of it. Let it happen, then it will go. The bad feelings, feeling betrayed, broken, like wanting to die, they are all extremely bad and intense feelings but they pass. Which is still an interesting and new thing for me. I prolly never let things go, and im learning it how to. But it is also quite common for people to bottle up.

Honestly, im just happy to just be. It is always getting better. You know, it cant be peaceful only, things break down and start, there is chaos before peace, and there is silence before the storm. And it is how it is. It cannot be any different and it is unimaginable to live in complete peace. We sometimes experience downfall, breaking, sadness, depression, mental breakdowns, losses of all kinds, but then, there is space for something new. There are endless possibilities, and you know, this is just awesome and just feels so justifying and feels like i cracked the code, the code that mostly no one understands and do not make any steps to do so. They stop there, they have their reality that way, and they stay there, even though they are suffering. Because they are the suffer themselves. You can't see more of the world than what you can see right now. It is simple as that. Sounds like every reality is real and valid, but honestly, as someone that is over a lot of hardships and kinda found peace in living, i feel like i have lived in an illusion. Well, everything is one. If we get out of something, we can see it as something different. A dream is only unreal when we are woken up. So, shifting is always something we need to change. What initiates change? Thats a more complex thing for me to simply answer. It's like, if there was a potential in our core what we use. We can say its our path to go. It's written. But, honestly, its not written, its just that time is not real, we experience everything at once but we like to be in different dimensions of existence, where time is being percieved. So, you basically know everything. Everything, you were, you are and you will be, if we think in the time existence. But, you are not you, you are you with every other beings so there is no them against you but only you.

With all of this knowledge, its hard to actually live on Earth. Im hardly staying here. Im not compatible with this place because i dont belong here anymore, hence my growth stage. But i came here because i wanted to. So now, even tho I am hardly alive here, I try to be more compatible with this place and try to give meaning of my stay.

There are things I still don't know, so yeah, I still have place here thankfully. Like, I don't know why love hormones do not fill my body, while I know that I am in love. What is this whole thing tho? When am I attached for traumatic reasons, regarding only myself vs. when I actually love the other person? If a person is someone I actually need because they give something I dont have yet, thats temporary and is not lasting. Its karmic. Its intense. If its not intense, but I rather see with my third eye, that its something to keep and cherish, and just me having unconditional love towards a person, thats a whole different thing. Seems like something I kinda have the control over. But, even if we cant have control, we dont need that. We just need to stay in touch with ourselves, and let the flow happen, which is not painful.

Even if im writing this out, I will not actively think about it. I don't even need to tho, cuz its all in me. I wish to release whats not serving me, what is not supposed to be there, and I'm willing to let go of these emotions, I'm willing to relive what I could not process before, to process it now. I don't care about what people think because they don't know anything. They are programmed by society.

I have to say, I am also scared of studying, because I am scared that I will fail. I think about it differently, but this is how I feel, because I store this.

I feel like I could talk and talk and talk never endingly.

[tojasosbigmek]

I don't know why it doesn't let me post, but imma be mad if it doesn't post this either.

This lunar eclipse in libra pretty much helped me to dive deep in, and to understand what's going on inside me.

I have problems with believing I'm loveable, cuz I believe I'm not. It has multiple reasons why. My mother never accepted me for having emotions, expressing them, she made me feel like I'm wrong, bad, and made me feel shame and to apologize to her. I never could "win" a debate or argument, never could prove my point, never could fight for myself, my needs, because she always punished me and I could just never get on top. She also didn't believe what i said. My feelings never mattered to her. She never cared enough to see the whys, the reasons, she always just wanted my suffer to end, but it's because it was a burden. She shouted, punished me, blamed me for feeling.

So, I never had a chance to be me, to keep up being me, to prove my point, to be strong and independent as my own person, to have that normal confidence putting myself out there.

Also, I was a shy kid, and what i needed is patience, kindness and attention. But i got to be told I was "mutistic", so I was always introduced as someone that's not from the normal, from the ordinary, that I was weird. Even that she told them the reasons, teachers didn't like me, and acted bad with me, were not fair with me, made me feel like they hated me, made me feel scared of them. I didn't understand why. With time, I started to get left out of communities (school classes, groups of people), made me feel like there is something with me that i didn't know, and didn't understand.

If i had a romantic interest or a friend, these relationships ended with leaving me there. Even if they were actual, meaningful and lovely connections, they still ended, they still let me go, they still left me.

So, with all of that experience of rejection, in the outside world and even with my mother, also my dad left us, left my mother traumatized, alone, and put it's weight on me from the start, like if I had to compensate for what my dad did but it was never enough, why would it not be valid to think that something is wrong with me and i'm not loveable???

Even the ones I care the most about, I felt the happiest and the most content with yet, just let me go that easily, like I wasn't that important ever, but it felt like I was. Also, my first love relationship told me they loved me and made me believed that, though I didn't feel like it, and later it turned out they didn't love me. Left me. Which is like, after all, I'm glad cuz I don't wanna be with someone like that. Even tho we have a healthier connection with mom now, we got distant from each other and even I'm the one, the hurt one, that got her almost whole life damaged, that still wanna love her and help her, but I can't and it is actually not my thing to do so. But it hurts still.

My boyfriend is the only one I have right now, but he cannot express his love that way I would express mine. We prolly have different love languages, but connection could solve everything. And, I don't feel like he engages with me enough, like we spend a lot of time together but we are mostly just next to each other, not really talking, or doing boring, repetitive things, not talking enough. And I'm scared to love him, because I'm scared I would not recieve that love back. Even right now, I don't know if I can believe that he loves me.

It's like, if I basically never got it, how would I believe I will get it once?

[tojasosbigmek]

I'm angry. Like, I can't really do anything about it because I can't say anything mean to this bitch since he gonna get upset and don't even know what gonna happen, yelling at me and sending me home or some shit. But him, he can actually say shit, mean and critical shit to me unfairly and without considering me, my situation. He doesn't even know what real discrespect is. I was never disrespectful or evil nor connect to anyone with a bad intent or something. I am never being mean to anyone. I always consider everyone else around me, but also, if something is a problem for me, I will not treat the person this ugly. Like why? Tf would I be mean and hurtful for. Also why tf you mirror your own emotions on me as it was mine, as it was a problem I created? While you feel a certain way and not me. But you blame it on me, for what? Are you THAT stupid? I never knew you were this fucking stupid. How the hell can't you think? I can't do anything more for you. I explained everything clearly, not only twice but you don't get it. Also, it shows how you have never experienced that much shit as I did. But you always think you know everything better than anyone else? That's straight up the lack of intelligence. Also, it's anger issues. But you think you are being normal and correct. How tf you don't see yourself? How can't you see yourself realistically? How are you not even open for changing your perspective and to learn?? And you tell me I can't handle critics? You tell me this? Also how come you fucking critique me? Who are you? God? The fuck not. What tf you think about yourself? You don't know where your place is. And you gonna get mad over dumb shit I don't expect and for a minute to another you gonna yell at me and send me home and call me names? Tf not. I'm not gonna entertain this behavior for you dude. You think you can do that? I gotta fucking slap you down the floor to know where you belong. I'm not violent like you, I just protect myself and my own peace, my own safety and the respect for myself. You tell me to go to the fucking psychologist but you also should. And you can't even act normal even if I try to make it forgotten and to keep it peaceful between us. And you get angry over anything in this state. You think I gotta feel bad for my behavior? For what dude? What behavior? I feel bad for YOUR behavior. Nah it's not those times when I let people even take the soul out of me.

I hate when someone is dumb. I understand mental issues but I don't get it when someone acts stupid. You suffer from yourself man. I'm sorry for ya. Must be bad.

[tojasosbigmek]

Boundaries

How you you decide who gets to be in your circle?

It has to be someone that I don't feel bad around. I should not be afraid of them - I should not feel like they would judge me, or they would not understand me, they would be different than me, or they are superficial with me, not genuine with me. People that don't care about me and ignore me later.

If the person is someone who is accepting, understanding, we have things to talk about, we have similarities, we have something in common, and is reliable, genuine, caring.

When does a person move from one circle to another?

"Your circle" - This about my bestest friends and my partner. These people have to be that i can open up to, that i can trust and that have loyalty towards me. I can meet these people frequently and I can be myself with them, having a fun time. I share almost everything with them - personal things, stuff in common, very open talk. In case of losing importance or betrayal, they prolly get into the middle or the outer circle.

"Inner circle" - People that I like and have a connection to, but I don't have too much to ask from them. I catch up with them sometimes, we have a good convo, a good time but we don't attach that strongly. There is no loss to be afraid of. I share personal things with them time to time as we catch up after some times, or we can talk about some things in common interest. These people can become my inner circle if we get closer.

"Middle circle" - People that I know, but don't really communicate with them, just sometimes. Interest is not personal related, related to interests, situations or projects in common. I don't wanna share anything personal, but if things get personal, this people can move into the inner circle. If I develop a dislike, they can move into the outer circle.

"Outer circle" - People that I know but never talk to. People that I don't like. I don't wanna share anything personal with them.

Sometimes someone that's in my inner circle, can percieve me as someone in their middle circle as I appreciate the person more as they appreciate me. I can't feel someone as part of my circle when they don't show the exact effort, but they can show the exact effort while putting me in their inner circle tho. Middle circle people can sometimes feel like i'm in their inner circle. Someone that sees me as their circle, I cannot see them as someone in my middle circle, more the inner. Now there are noone that is in my circle that would put me in inner. My inner circle people reciprocate the same, maybe not in a few cases that put me in the middle. Some middle circle people consider me in their inner circle.

Which type of boundaries do you struggle with the most?

Favors, help - hardly saying no

Saying no to things I don't want but I fear I would hurt the other person

Situations where the other person gets disappointed in me and hurt cuz I don't do something as they desire.

Struggle to confront someone when my needs are not met by them, or when they hurt me

Struggle to stand up to protect myself, having hard time reasoning

Who do you struggle setting boundaries with?

I struggle with saying no to all circles.

To outer circle, I try to dodge it out, I kinda fear saying the strong no as I don't wanna put people against me.

Middle circle is a circle where I can get closer to people if I do a favor, also I have that common empathy to help those in need. I am not scared of them getting against me if I say no. There is neutrality in this circle.

In the inner circle, I usually don't say no but I am also feeling safe to say no if needed, as they would understand more.

In my circle, I just can't say no. That's problematic, cuz of hurting them. Not really a place to say no at.

What makes you most angry with them?

When someone does not understand why I cannot do the favor they asked for. It can be any reason, but they get upset at me for it. When someone does not appreciate the effort i'm making for them. When someone takes advantage of my helpfulness. When someone takes advantage of me being very understanding and trying to "test my limits". When someone does not care if something is okay with me or not, and they get along with it when I say yes with or without expressing anything regarding my needs.

Why do you struggle setting boundaries with them?

Because I have hard time standing up for my needs and wants. I feel like I don't deserve it, because I feel like I'm not that loved for it to be acceptable. I feel like I have to prove myself to people.

What are some specific actions you can take to set boundaries with them?

I should express what my needs are, why I say no. I should express when my needs are not met and when I'm hurt. People's actions should have a consequence, they should not get away with what they cause. If I show I really don't let them be a certain way with me, they gonna take me more seriously and respect my rules, which are the so called boundaries and so they can actually act more respectful.

I have to listen to my body's sensations. I have to listen to my upcoming emotions.

Time boundaries

When sitting down to study or work

When watching a movie

The time I wanna sleep at

When I need time to do things

When I set a date

How was it violated?

People messaging me, and I answered. Others wanting my attention while I do something. This way, I didn't finish the time I planned, or didn't finish at all.

People messaging me and I answered. People being upset about me not answering. People wanting my attention while watching the film, so I cannot concentrate or pay attention.

People message me and I answer them, which makes me have a conversation with them and then I get to sleep later. People wanting my attention.

People wanna spend time with me on days I wanna do my things on, and I don't say no. I say no, and explain but they get upset about it. People cannot let go of me saying no, and try to organize my days according to their schedule.

I have to organize my week according to my plans, but I can't agree on something cuz the person is not sure and/or cannot inform me. The person does not respect me and calls the plan off or wanna change the plan at last minute. People being late on set dates.

How can I enforce the boundary?

I don't look at my phone, or I don't answer their messages. Informing people that i'll be busy, but thats not even necessary.

I don't look at my phone or I don't answer their messages.

I don't answer their messages.

I inform people that certain days I wanna do this and that, and that I won't be available. When they ask, saying no and reasoning. If they get upset, confronting them how it's unfair.

If someone is unsure about planning something together, I don't sacrifice anything in case of it. If they finally have an answer and they are upset because I called it off, confronting them how they are unfair. If they wanna change the plan last minute, tell them that I can't do anything about it and call it off. If the person is late, waiting a littlebit but if I have to wait too much, informing them that I don't wait anymore and I go home. Expressing my opinion about it.

Physical boundaries

For male friends

Touching my belongings

Intimate belongings and information

Using my belongings

In sexual acts

Ways of touching

Disrespecting my physical needs of comfort

How was it violated?

Touching me intimately - touching my boobs, my butt, my vagina, caressing my skin, my body, being way too close to me physically, kissing my face or lips

Looking through my belongings. Touching them without my consent. Stealing them.

Reading my messages, looking at my gallery, reading my diary without my consent

Taking advantage of how I always give.

Disrespecting me

Being agressive, causing me hurt or putting me in danger, disrespecting when I confront

Ignoring my physical needs, me expressing then them disrespecting. Not giving me food or drink, not letting me piss or poop, not providing comfort for my sleep

How can I enforce the boundary?

If they cross my physical boundaries, stopping them. Confronting them. Cutting them out of my life if they keep disrespecting.

Confronting, telling them to not touch my belongings. If they steal, confronting them, expressing my opinion, cutting them off. Weren't you thought that you should not touch other people's stuff without consent? And how stealing is not only morally bad but is illegal too?

Telling them to not do it. Not letting them do it, confronting.

Stopping giving. Why the fuck you can't appreciate when someone is doing you a favor and puts in work for your sake?

Confronting about my needs. If disrespect, cutting them off. If you don't care that its not good for me and hurts me emotionally/physically then you are an abuser.

Confronting them, why do they do that? It feels bad. If disrespect then cutting them off.

Confronting, if disrespect then cutting them off. Also this is a big deal because how can someone not care about these basic things. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Intellectual boundaries

I don't have to much to say here.

Opinion expressing

Compassion about ideas

How was it violated?

They don't let me express what I think about certain situations. They don't welcome my opinion.

When I express my ideas, they are not being listened to, they push it away.

How can I enforce the boundary?

Confronting them about me wanting to express my opinion and why are they treating me like that. Not accepting this and even cutting them off if necessary.

Confronting them about how they don't respect me as a person and how they push my expression and persona down. If you don't care about me and what I have to say, or you don't trust my ideas in general, then why do we connect?

Sexual boundaries

This is already expressed above at some places.

Physical closeness

Sexual acts

Conversations

How was it violated?

A male friend touches my private places, caresses me, is too close to me physically, want to kiss my face or lips.

If we are in a relationship and we are doing it, the person does not care about if i'm physically or emotionally comfortable, does not care about my pleasure.

A person wants to talk about sexuality with me. About what I like, about my experience, about the intim areas we have. A person, that is commenting on my private areas, gives me sexual messages about what they would do to me, how they like my private parts, keeps relating to me sexually. A person that talks about me sexually and in a dirty way behind my back.

How can I enforce the boundary?

Telling them to stop, that they are only in the friendzone and it is inappropriate and making me feel violated. If they don't stop, expressing my opinion about it and cutting them off.

Confronting the person about how they behave sexually with me. If they continue that, cutting them off is the best idea as I'm being disrespected and it hurts me.

Telling the person that I don't wanna talk about that topic. Telling a person that they are inappropriate and they keep talking to me as an object, and that I don't wanna talk to them anymore. Confronting the person that I know how they talk about me behind my back, and it's inappropriate. Cutting this person off.

Emotional boundaries

I think this can be very diverse.

Emotional boundaries with friends

Emotional boundaries with my partner

Other boundaries

How was it violated?

Friends:

Not being able to count on them - they don't keep a promise or they reject my reach for help which can be a form of favor or emotional support, advice.

Not caring about my needs - this is diverse. Not caring about me needing help, not caring about my physical needs while hanging out or sleeping over such as food, bladder, comfortable sleeping place. Not caring about what I want to talk about, about what I want to do, about my opinion.

Talking bad about me behind my back.

Not compromising - no effort into understanding me, my ideas, my opinions, my needs

Being upset at me if I don't do something as they want.

Partner:

all of the above are listable here as well

Not respecting my sexual needs - my comfort, my pleasure

Not communicating his needs, his emotions, his ideas

Not involving me into plans or situations

Lying to me about things, keeping things away from me

Cheating on me

Other:

Judging me without knowing me

Judging how I am not talking much in certain situations

Not keeping a promise when working together on a project

Not letting me talk when I start to talk or when it's my turn to talk, talking over me

Talking bad about me behing my back

Judging how I look - acting according to the opinion of how I look

Taking my help for granted, always asking me for help and not appreciating it

Not caring about my opinion when working in groups

Being mean to me, talking back to me

How can I enforce the boundary?

Friends: There is not much to do about these, because these are basic things. Confrontation to them about it, and how they still wait for me to be correct with them when I don't get back the same? How they should not expect me to do favors if they can't do one for me. How they don't even give a fuck and how do they still name me a friend. I need to cut these people off.

Partner: The listed things that are also contained for friends, are the basics. If he doesn't communicate what he needs, how he feels and what he thinks then how will i know? Things will get misunderstood. You can't discuss something like that. If you don't involve me are we even close? Physical cheating is easy to happen but if you really love me, I think you would not want to do stuff with anyone else. Emotional cheating is even worse. It's not acceptable and there is a need to cut him off.

Others: You don't know nothing and you still form an opinion that's not correct and you stop being open towards me? That's on you bro. Why you keep saying that I'm not talking much? Okay? Everyone else sees. Why is it a deal? If you don't like it don't fucking connect with me. Also, if you know something of me but you still get caught up on me not talking much? Your issue and don't talk to me if you think like that. Why not letting me talk? If you don't like me thats your personal intimate problem. We are here working in a community so behave. Tf you being mean for? Why you care that much? Also why you think you are better than others? Grow tf up.

Material boundaries

My belongings

My money

How was it violated?

Touching, taking, looking over my belongings without consent. Stealing my belongings

Organizing what I spend my money on. Not giving back the money you lend for me. Always lending from me. Stealing from me.

How can I enforce the boundary?

Well these are pretty basic, and I told something about it above. It's never okay.

[tojasosbigmek]

I feel sad, because I don't wanna be at home. But I don't know where can I be instead where im like, accepted. I just long for love so much.

I just don't wanna be gave up on. Most people do that. Im so mad. It comes from me. I have to change it all. I really do. Not only how I try to think but also psychological help.

Im sad because I have to go home, clean that shitty room and get into that day to day. I don't go nowhere else, just sometimes. Tho, imma have more time to do things. Also basically I could attend school from anywhere.

Everything just comes out of me that has been causing me emotional pain. When the fight suffers its last bit of cuts, when its almost done. I feel relieved, also more and more aware but its getting me.

I have no boundaries cuz im so desperate of recieving love. Idk why is that.

[tojasosbigmek]

It was so long, since I used the original website from a bigger device than a phone. My laptop. It's so crazy to think about that I actually have a diary.

It use to help me when I deliver my thoughts. Does not help me solve my kinda problems, but helps me feel organized and controls my mental a bit.

All I have to do is to get help. Professional one, that costs a ton. I have to learn to trust some processes. I have to learn to trust myself, to recognise my needs and act according to them. All of them causes a turbulence inside and just eats me more and more.

Just like usually, I opened this up and then I have no idea what to say. Meanwhile, my mind is full of ideas.

It makes me feel calmer when I think about moving away from my parents. It's like, there is burden on me by them percieving me. One day I will. Also, I'm so sad about them, how depressed this whole household is, how my mom life has been ruined by my dad and she ended up getting older and older without actually getting out of the turmoil and be at peace again, instead she is more and more dead inside. It hurts me to see this. She was the only one that loved me the most and cared about me the most my whole life. Even if it was just about my physical weelbeing and not my emotional and mental one, she is the one that even if she hates me, still gonna care for me. But I never received this on a mental level. I might search for connections that could fill up this hole I'm having. But it's not healthy, also it will not happen. Because it's never happening, causes my depressed emotions. In the world, people are not your parents. People are your friends and friends aren't suppose to be your parents. Everyone else with a healthy mind has those two solid stones inside them, that are the unconditional love of feminine and masculine energies. They have them accompanied by for forever. Yall don't need anything else, just the healthy fun from outsiders, as how it is meant to be. While I would be searching for the love forever, that I won't really find. Just other types of love. And those loves are valid as well. They are real.

I am getting crazier and crazier while this whole ass problem is sitting and getting more and more on my mind to be conscious about, as long as I'm trying to defeat it alone without any valuable help. I don't feel the bonding itself, while i'm obviously bonded because i'm fearing the loss. I don't feel the bond because I don't want anything to miss after the loss, I don't want it to be that painful. Also, I have crazy fears that haunt me and just put me down. I get extremely self conscious, likely insecure and just very anxious and sensitive. While knowing that the other person is loving me as the love is being expressed at the moment, I cannot stop to worry about the future and just think about the loss and how it does not worth anything because it will result in loss anyways. How i am searching for anything that could be a problem. They say its because i don't know any other patterns.

I just hate myself because how I am. Even though its not something thats my fault but i am the one thats responsible. I cant stand up for a person i am right now. I feel like hiding every inch of this insecure crying baby person that i have inside me. I wanna believe I can come out of this sickness. I don't want this to be a disorder inside my body.

When i was younger, I was more lively. I was more of a personality and a worker. Now I get quieter, less active, less proving of what i am and can do. I feel like everything thats good in me just is getting lost. I will be left with problems and things for others to see that are just miserable. I can't prove one valid point of my reasons of being. I am something that you can use as a mop and so that I will be also treated like a mop. And i will believe that i am a mop. I never realize that it is possible that I got so wore out of this life i am living. I don't have normal emotions and inner world. No ones gonna actually protect me and be sorry for me other than me. Why is it bad to feel sorry for myself? While I really need to love myself. I actually have to learn to trust. Regarding everything - not only being able to trust certain people, but to trust myself, my judgement, trust the process and the good possibilities. The dreamyness and positivity died inside of me. That fairytale strenght. That is something that exists and is not bad to have.

Regarding my character, I think I am not for excessively studying my brain out. Yes, I am pretty intelligent, I can know so much but I am not made for that lifestyle to force so many little non exceptional knowledge inside. I never was a nerd, I was only serious minded and responsible. I should not be sorry for giving up a path that requires all of this. I listened to my needs. I am still very valuable even without it. It's not about intelligence and ability, but about types of characters. Success can be about so many things.

Success can be that I finish my demons. A huge success.

The way I handle everything.

If I allow myself to be loved, I can successfully deliver love to others too.

[tojasosbigmek]

-I still have things to improve, to figure out - things im yet not aware of, my health, my self love and attachment, my way of carrier, what actually happened in the past

-I still have things, that im afraid of - my parent's death, losing my boyfriend and ones that love me and I love them back, losing my health

Shows how alive I am, how I still have place on Earth.

Figuring out things I don't understand, feeling unloved and sad, because of me thinking I wanted to get something and then I didn't get it, but its because how I wasnt aware that I didn't actually want it so thats why I didn't get it

I was not okay with the results of that, so I wanted the results of me wanting the thing I didn't actually want

I thought I had to adapt always, but I wont find myself if I keep wanting to be like someone else

I wont feel my boundaries and I wont be respected

Me staying true to myself shows me the ones that I can work with, I don't have to fight for being loved, I will know what i need, what I am

Its also hard to survive school people too. Its hard out there in a group of children fighting for power. In a group of people that wanna be the same, being different.

Everything can be improved and there is no actual torture out there, it exists inside our perception

Hard out there when not having power to deal with it

[tojasosbigmek]

Neked.

Niki, sajnálom hogy le kellett tiltsalak, de nem bánsz velem jól. Már egy fél éve nem. Én szerettelek volna szeretni és bennem nem változott semmi azt illetően, hogy miként bánjak veled. Mai napig minden nap szívesen meghallgatnálak, szívesen segítenék, komfortálnálak, találkoznék veled és csinálnék különböző programokat, terveket szőnék amelyeket közösen hajthatunk végre... nem tudom mit basztam el, de szerintem semmit. Az, hogy kapcsolatba kerültem? Először Balázzsal, igen, aztán a Mátéval? Én se bírtam a Lizát már kezdetektől, de ettől nem kezdtelek kevésbé szeretni vagy másképp bánni veled. Szakításotok után is azon voltam, hogy téged komfortáljalak, és igazán megérintett az, hogy te ezt hogyan éled meg. Te hideg voltál hozzám, miután Balázs szakított velem, és nem tettél hozzám semmit. Viselkedésedben felém is meglátszott, hogy neked a helyzet nem tetszik, és velem is aként bántál. Aztán most megint amikor újból kapcsolatba kerültem, úgy csináltál, mintha megcsaltalak volna, és akkortól elkezdtél engem hibáztatni. Nem tettem feléd semmit. Én voltam az a végén, aki kezdeményezte, hogy beszéljük meg, és így se sikerült megbeszélni azon kívül, hogy azért kitartottunk egymás mellett, mert nem akartuk egymást elveszíteni. Nem tudjuk egymás közt a problémákat megbeszélni. Aztán már nem osztottál meg velem semmit később. Én meg azért nem osztok már meg veled semmit, mert egy ideje már le se szarod, amit mondok neked. Akár még fel is háborodsz. Én mindent megtettem, hogy javuljanak a dolgok. Fél éve fájdalmas ez nekem. Még támogattalak is, hogy a te döntésed - amilyen helyzetben ha én lennék helyetted, te hülyének tartanál és úgy is bánnál velem - annak ellenére hogy szar, próbáljuk a dolgokat helyrehozni, kibogozni, és a szarból csináljunk egy kevésbé szarabbat. Elmentem veled találkozni Lizával, támogattalak hogy oké, írj neki, teljesítjük be ezt a befejezetlen ügyedet vele. Nem szerettelek kevésbé attól, hogy full hülye helyzeted van, és én még értem is az egészet, mert én nem fogok úgy ítélkezni, hogy nem tudok semmit, hogy nem értem a dolgokat, mivel nem vagyok a bőrödben. Gondolhatom attól még azt, hogy fasz döntések, faszság, de nem hibáztatlak egy olyan dologért, amiről nem tehetsz. Mindig jöttem mikor hívtál talizni, félre tettem az otthoni teendőket, amely miatt anyámékkal konfliktushelyzetet kreáltam. Jöttem akkor is, ha nekem a program nem egészen tetszett, vettem nektek többször is kaját és nem kértem az árát vissza, miközben emiatt nehézségeim adódtak a pénzemmel. Soha nem volt olyan programunk, amely valamelyikünk szíve szerint történt volna a sajátod helyett. Nem volt olyan programunk, amikor ne ittunk volna, hanem valami mást csináltunk volna és beszélgetni tudtunk volna alkoholos segítség nélkül.

Szóval innentől kezdve hagylak, mert nem szeretném kitenni annak magam, ahogy velem bánsz. Koncentrálj nyugodtan a többiekre, Fricire, Aysera, akire szeretnél. Szerintem én vagyok az a barát az életedben, aki a leginkább törődött veled, aki a leginkább szeretett volna veled felépíteni egy közeli barátságot. Aki ha akart, az tudott is. Aki nem hagyott ott. Megígértük, hogy nem hagyjuk ott egymást, de te hagytál ott engem. Én itt voltam. De nem várok tovább. Fáj nekem, mert szeretlek, de miattad nem működik ez köztünk, hidd el.

[tojasosbigmek]

Its really hard to put into words for some reason. I don't even really need that though. I do anything for you. I buy you food or anything you need and ask for between limits, I play game with you because you ask me, I go anywhere with you anytime, I care about your situation and help you any way I can. I jump for you. I neglect myself and my needs for you. I neglect my work, my sleep, my family and my boyfriend for you. If I don't do something for you that you want, you get hurt. You don't care about my problems the way I do for yours, so I don't even involve you in my things. You treat me disrespectfully for no reason. You don't involve me when I can't go with you and you let me feel left out. You blame me for months for something that's not my fault, because you have this abnormal emotional world and you blame that on me, and we can't even solve it because you don't even recognise it, and you deny your own feelings but you make me feel like shit, you degrade me. I have to worry if I do something what you don't like, and that I have to fully available for everything for you. I wrote you poems, I wanted to buy you gift, I wanted to do anything for you to don't hate me.

Every meeting is about you. Is about the people you invite, is about what you wanna do, what you plan, and what things happen with you. Every serious conversation is about your problems. Everything we do is what you want.

If I have some problem, you either treat me like shit for it if I tell you, or you don't care the way I do for yours. If I don't have time, if I have other needs, if I have something important to do, you dislike that and make me feel bad about it, and then left out from the event I could not go to. No meet is ever about me or someone else, or being arranged the way I or someone else wants, or the way it's comfortable for me or someone else. I don't feel cared about. The effort we put in is far not equal. You don't treat me nicely nor in general nor in emotional situations, nor make me feel understood and supported, nor make me feel cared about, included.

I have things to do. I have my time to be spent better. I have myself to be treated fair.

[tojasosbigmek]

Nem a logikus útra akarok térni, nem elengedni akarom az érzéseket szóval hülyeséget mondtam. Konrétan arról van szó, hogy elém tárult egy világ, ahol lehet úgy közel lenni egymáshoz, hogy van egy nagyobb távolság és tiszteletben tartjátok egymás pont azért mert van BIZALOM. Nekem ez tetszik mert ez békés. Ezért mondtam azt, hogy én a békét akarom. A logikát azért mondtam, mert nem szeretnék totálisan az érzelmeken alapozni mindent. Nekem az érzelmi világomban sok a fájdalom (scorpio moon south node 12H) és nekem az a feladatom hogy ettől eltávolodjak és megtapasztaljam az életnek azt az oldalát ami békésebb, ahol nem kell annyit szenvedni és engemet ehhez az emberek fognak hozzá vezetni (taurus north node 7H). Ebben az esetben a Máté visz engem erre az útra és nem gondolom hogy én most valami negatív karmikus szenvedős cuccba kerültem volna ezzel, mert nincs ilyen megérzésem, és békésnek és igazságosnak érzem a dolgokat.

Mivel neked a north nodeod a pisces moon ezért teljesen érthető hogy te fel akarod fedezni a fullos potenciált az érzelmeidben és ezért belemerülsz, neked ezt kell tenned. Mindkettőnk így hozza ki magából a legjobbat, persze ez nem jelenti számomra se azt, hogy én elzárkóznék az érzelmességtől, mert egyrészt nem is akarok mivel számomra ez fontos, szeretem, gazdagságot kínál és szükséges, hasznos, és képtelen is lennék rá mivel ez a személyiségem része. Te meg ahonnan jössz az annak ugye az ellentéte amerre most tartasz, szóval te pedig felfedezed ennek a mélységeit mert eddig ez nem volt meg. Ez az ellentétet együtt tökéletes egyensúlyra tudjuk rendezni köztünk, és ki tudjuk vele egészíteni egymást és átsegíteni mindenen, és ez még abban is segít hogy hosszútávon jól működjünk egymással. Szerintem meg kéne tanulnunk azt, hogy anélkül is lehetünk közel és bízhatunk egymásban, hogy egymás seggébe bújunk azzal hogy mennyire ugyanazon a ponton kéne lennünk, és anélkül hogy arra törekedjünk hogy kinda eggyé váljunk mert nem kell - nem szükséges ahhoz, hogy nagyon szeressük egymást és hogy jól meglegyünk. Sőt, gazdagítsuk meg a létünket azzal hogy nem vagyunk egyformák, és színt visz��nk a kettőnk kombójába. Lehet pont erre van együtt szükségünk, hogy ez a két különbség támassza egymás hátát.

Szóval a bizalmat kéne javítanunk, és a problémákhoz való hozzáállásunkat, de szerintem azt hogy miképp oldjuk meg egymás közt a feszültségeket, úgy is tudjuk javítani ha most egy egészségesebb és szeretetteljesebb szintre emeljük a kapcsolatunk.

Segíthetek neked felfedezni az érzelmeid mert én fullosan ebben voltam eddig benne. Az számomra káros, hogy ha ugyanide szeretnél engem visszavinni. Én pedig nem is akarlak logikusabb útra téríteni mert neked nem ez kell. Te viszont segíthetsz nekem mindent úgy átgondolni, hogy ne vesszek el. Szerintem tökéletes. Támogathatjuk egymást egymás különbségeiben pont azért mert mindketten értünk mindkettőhöz.

Az, hogy megosszuk egymással az érzéseinket meg hogy mi történik velünk az is olyan amin javítani kell de ezt meghozza a többi valószínűleg. Amikor megbántottál egyszer mikor valamit elmondtam neked (és amire mondtam hogy azóta nem mertem nagyon veled megosztani dolgokat) azt így kinda értem, mert akkor nehezteltél rám meg közben saját magad is éppen benne voltál egy folyamatban hogy a mindsetedet fejleszd és azzal voltál elfoglalva.

Az, hogy nekem miért ment el tőled az önbizalmam az azért, mert az energiádból az jött folyamatosan, hogy én valamit nem úgy csinálok mint ahogy szerinted kéne és emiatt elutasítás jött belőled.

Szerintem lehetnénk sokkal nyitottabbak egymásra hogyha helyreállítjuk egymást közt a szeretetet.

[tojasosbigmek]

I's killing me. Even tho I don't feel anything that deep, because of the meds - cus yes, I am mentally ill and I still think that I'm a weak ass bitch and a loser, even tho it's completely out of my control. And yes, i'm pretty much depending on stuff because of this, and I have hard time becoming someone of the pattern - why do I have it this hard? Who did this to me... Anything minor happens I already think I'm gonna be left. Also in the meantime I don't get it why I'm loveable. I feel like they are being tricked by something and this is why they think i'm someone they can love. I feel like nothing is real. Why is love not infinite? Why do we people stop the love towards one? Love cannot be stopped. I will love until my death, doesn't matter what happens, what is being done cus I am willing to love. Tho, I don't even know what I am standing out with. I am not ending up like some successful well known appreciated business person. I don't give af. I don't feel like killing myself for to just achieve which has less impact then what this whole thing does to me, personally. I don't even care. I don't care about anything that much. I cared about people, about love, but people keep showing me that I'm not deserving of it and if I think about it, I really don't see what I have to offer. Right now, I already have hard time believing that someone loving me is possible, but if I'm gonna be left again, I might not believe it anymore. And some people don't even get impacted. But for me, it breaks me. I feel like i don't actually exist to embody a meaning by myself. And if I break? Yeah, sure, but I won't care enough. I will be left empty. I wanna die yes but it's not the time. I have to fight through this, even tho I don't believe it's fully possible.

But I die. It might be just me. My partner might be healthy and loving and one of the best I can have, but I feel like I'm on the edge because i'm scared. I might need more validation than others, just because I have to get convinced that yes, it is possible that you love me and you love me for real. So, I feel like you don't and that your behavior confuses me and i'll blame it on you. This situation is crucial, because you are touching some keys in me. Your moves have a big impact. I am sorry if you don't understand this at all, you might think i'm sick, and that you are so much better than me. You think this depends on me? You think I chose this? That I decided to be like that? I was BORN into this.

So yes I am crying and I am scared, because at times its not enough validation for me and i start to think that you stopped loving me.

Welcome to a well developed anxious attachment style.

[tojasosbigmek]

The emotional heaviness is pushing away the enjoyment of life

So, as much as I mentally maintain control and awareness, the feelings steal away the joy from me. The peace I would get is only from working myself out of it, and yes, it has hardships. But I need breaks sometimes cuz it's too much.

[tojasosbigmek]

Fejemben összeáll amit érzek egy színes mozaikká

De amint rád gondolok, hogy megmutassam, a gondolatok szerte foszlanak, mint a szoknyás kislányok a tanyán, amikor látogató jön

Megengednéd, hogy szívemben lágysággal, tisztán forduljak feléd? A bányában talált kőből gyémántot csiszoljak? Mert ez a kő gyémánt, én tudom, saját barlangom bányászaként, de a betévedő látogatóknak nem fedem fel ezt a titkot, mert óvni kell.

Ha fióka vagy, kibélelem a fészked puhára,

Ha béka vagy, gazdag tavat biztosítok neked,

Látván a színes dallamot, melyet lelked áraszt, a múltat amelyről lelked mesél,

Egy művészi darab vagy, tökéletes önmagában, amelyben az erre fogékony, művész emberek gyönyörködhetnek.

A valóság színes, szeles, napos és rejtélyes atmoszférája távol tart minket egymás titkaitól, és ha félsz, kezedet fogva bemutatlak ennek a világnak remélvén, hogy otthonra lelsz benne

És hogy ez az otthon egy igazi otthonná válhat számodra, amely egy mágikus menedék csak is neked mindennel szolgálván, amire szükséged van.

Merre jársz, mikor foghatom meg a kezed, hogy átadhassam ezt a fényt számodra?

[tojasosbigmek]

Im gonna type everything out. You are amazing. Serious, active, responsibility-taker. You suffered a lot probably. Things are heavy on you and you never got to feel free from all that burden you don't even recognize by now. You treat people with kindness, respect and fairness, even that you are so tired. You have boundaries tho, which you should, but feels like you just accepted that all rocks are thrown at you and you formed in a way you are bulletproof as much as its possible.

I wanna free you up. You are wonderful, strong fighter. I know it all, been there and im proud of you and love you even more for that. But I wanna make you feel having fun. I wanna show you how much of a better world you can experience. I wanna take care of you, give everything to you I can to make you happy and free.

You know what, you are acting distant in a way. Feels like somethings blocking you from your true expression. Blocking you from freely expressing yourself, expressing your fun, your inner child. Sometimes I get worried that you are distant from ME, but knowing you better by now, I don't think so. Or is there something wrong that is specifically regarding me? I just wanna be home for you, safe space and something that is healing you up. I care for your every piece of you, physically and emotionally. I wanna get close to every bits of you and protect and caress it. Whats inside you is something I would be carefully treat with love. I really wanna love you. I would be sad if I could not.

I don't know what you think so im scared I might be too much for you now and you would deny what im giving to you, I would feel bad from that. But I don't know how you feel really, I don't know if this is something I should worry about or not.

[tojasosbigmek]

I miss him. Its like, I don't care what will happen. He's an intelligent guy, he gave me another chance and maybe this was fated in order to have it better. But, yes obviously I can be scared. If he thinks im immature or if im not good enough because I still have a lot to learn and I won't be good enough for him. I don't know. Honestly if this happen, yes I will feel bad but I survive it. I will learn from it and thats it. But I actually feel like this connection can turn into something reasonable. I feel like I could trust him. And I love him, even without knowing how he feels and how attached he is, because I don't know if he is attached to me or not really. But I love him and miss him and can't wait to see him. I feel like I turned healthier. And im happy about it.

Okay, he kinda "tries" to turn me against my best friend and this is hard to mentally handle to love em both, both yes I will have to get honest with my bestie about still having him and that she has to stop and respect me. But its alright still. I feel guilty and bad yet, I don't know how I will remain confident but maybe I will be able. I can handle everything way better than before so im not that worried.

But im happy about having them both, happy about feeling way healthier in a connection than before and happy about having him too. AAAND, about the job I got! I hope everything will go alright.

[tojasosbigmek]

I wanna show this to you. I hope you understand english that well. Cuz sometimes things come through better this way.

I think I know what we both suffer from regarding each other. We both tried to have a relationship and we both chose people that are not good for us, because of our inner state. For you, you chose girls that are mentally unstable and need a lot of caring and you have to sacrifice yourself to put them together. I also chose guys that I have to sacrifice myself for, but they hurt me, did not respect me, did not see who I really am and just used me.

We both see when someone is not good for the other. We immediately recognize how a situation is so bad for the other, and we are annoyed how the other does not see it. We cannot see it because this is what we have to learn. But also, we recognize how that also tear us apart. We get jelous. We don't want the other to find anyone else. But this also shows how special our connection is. When I say you're my wife, thats deep for me. You are the person I never ever wanna leave. I wanna be that thing in your life that never passes. I don't wanna be something temporary. I feel like I belong to you. I feel the best with you. I can go around and try to be in the presence of multiple other people but I always see how noone compares to you. I never feel home with anyone but you. Our connection is naturally happening but I never will not appreciate it. I always gonna be grateful for you. This is something very valuable we are having. I am scared to lose you. You are part of me. I can't imagine my life without you. You are the only person I can spend a lot of time with without getting tired of your company.

I think there is a need for both of us to get to understand each other better. We are more similar than we think. Nowadays we did not really get as close to each others' emotions. This has other reasons too tho, I know.

I know its hard to trust. This living experience on Earth is a very animal like experience. Humanity is ruled by instincts and its easy to figure out how things work between people. Barely anythings seems personal. I think you understand what i'm talking about. I also struggle with this because I also feel betrayed this way. I never wanna be a person that you have to be disappointed in. I wanna be real, real for you. I wanna be by your side and grow with you, experience everything with you and just live by your side.

I understand why I never was present in my body before. I am a conscious person here, I see beyond everything. I could embody my instinstual human side but i'm more than that.

[tojasosbigmek]

Kurva anyád. Nem fogok faszkodni és nagyobb lesz az arcom. Leírom amit gondolok és objektívan receivelem a kritikákat.

A barom meg ha basztat akkor be lesz fenyitve like nem érdekel. Miatta vagyok így befordulva mert a kocsogje dominalni akar felettem de megbaszom. Leszarom geci.

Úgyis jön a rákom péntek este azt ha itt garázdálkodik akkor szétvágom a fejét. Amúgy tök jó mert anyja mondta h a héten még jöhetnék ha anyám engedi meg mondta h ő is örülne ha jonnek meg. De geci amúgy te meg pénteken jössz és szerdan meg huzok le nigivel lizahoz sleepelni szerintem. Szóval ja, köcsög. Im excited.

Igazabol csak annyi a dolgom h nyugodjak le a picsaba, legyek onmagam, fejezzem ki ki vagyok, ne nyomjak el semmit es csinaljam ami erdekel, ami boldogga tesz, ami lefoglal és kész.

Igazabol kurvara nem kéne felnem attól h nem kedvelnek. Csiposebb a stilusom es? Aki megismer jobban az tudja h geci jó vagyok. A humorom is nagyon kurva jó azt ha valaki nem érti az az ő baja.

Like hany ember olyan h vagy kedvelhetetlen, vagy geci idegesítő tud lenni azt megis elvannak és unapologetically themselves. Akármennyire fasszopó vagy, az te vagy és aki melletted marad az azért mert elfogad és szeret.

En is azért vagyok jó mert Én vagyok. Én attól vagyok én hogy én vagyok és nem más.

Faszomat. Hazamegyek, nemtom rendetrakok vagy fasztudja, ki kéne amúgy takarítani de előbb szerintem kieresztem a gőzt. Remélem megjön az a fasszopas mert akkor kimegyek tesco elé és ujjongok. Meg kéne még köszönnom a zsuzsanak de ha lezarta a portalt akkor geci jó. Esküszöm bazdmeg, hogy imadok kézzel írni és hianyzik szoval I think jegyzetelni fogok a szakkonyvekbol es akkor legalább tényleg tanulok is vele és nice lesz. Anya is nézni fog hogy yes geci tanul végre a hugyfeju.

Szóval ja more hagyjatok.