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luci-in-trenchcoats · 4 years

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Won’t You Stay (Part 2)

Summary: Jensen starts his first day of work and learns who the reader is...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x Director!reader

Word Count: 2,400ish

Warnings: language

A/N: There is no taglist for this series. Check out the masterlist to see how to be notified of new parts. Please enjoy!

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“Ella,” you said into your phone the next morning as you walked out of your budget meeting, ready to dive into filming. “It was an accident. I’m sure the girl on the other team knows that.”

“I know. I broke her nose though. I felt so bad,” she said.

“She’ll live. Talk to your coach. Maybe she knows the other one and you can send a get well card or something,” you said.

“Yeah, I think maybe I’ll do that,” she said. “How’s the movie going? I didn’t hear dad come home last night.”

“There was a slight problem yesterday but hopefully it’s settled now,” you said, hearing the phone get shuffled around. “No, Anthony, I’m not getting you Gil Nicholas’ autograph. Guy isn’t even going to be in the movie.”

“Really?” asked your brother.

“Really. He’s kind of a douche. I gotta go and you guys have school. I’ll talk to you guys later,” you said.

“Wait!” said Anthony. “The Nolan situation. You said you’d help.”

“Help what? You two are dating,” you said.

“Mom and dad, genius,” he said.

“Anthony,” groaned Ella in the background. “Mom and dad will not care that you like boys. Y/N and I like boys and they don’t.”

“Yeah but I’m the only boy and our dad literally plays a badass on TV and in movies, El,” he said.

“Anthony. Our dad also was a single father to me for years. He played dress up and princesses and he gave me the puberty talk. He loves you no matter what. So does mom. Trust me,” you said.

“Yeah, but you’re like, his favorite,” he said. You shut your eyes and sighed. “You know what I mean. You’re special.”

“I didn’t meet mom until I was ten years old, Anthony. Dad and I were on our own. I’m not his favorite. There’s no favorite,” you said. “Dad is just overly protective of me is all. We’ll talk about your cute little boyfriend later, okay? I promise.”

“Alright. See ya,” he said. You shook your head as you hung up and headed onto the set, stopping by the breakfast line to grab some coffee.

An hour later you were at the Hale’s house location, everything looking like it was running smoothly. You popped inside and saw your dad rehearsing with Jensen, giving them both a smile.

“How’s it going?” you asked.

“Good,” said your dad. “We gonna start soon?”

“Five or so minutes,” you said, Jensen staring at you.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize you were a PA on the movie,” he said. Your dad chuckled along with a few other people in the room.

“Y/N Y/L/N,” you said, holding out a hand and watching the color drain from Jensen’s face. “I’m your director and the author of The Dark Woods.”

“Well fuck me,” he said, shaking your hand as you smirked. “Oh my...I am so sorry for being late last night and assuming you were a PA and you’re Ethan Y/L/N’s daughter and you wrote my favorite book ever which I was totally fanboying out over last night and I’m going to shut up now.”

“Don’t do that. You’re getting paid to talk after all,” you said with a smile. “Walk with me for a second.”

He followed you out to the back porch and across the yard, swallowing loudly when you came to a stop by a tree.

“Sorry about not mentioning it earlier. I didn’t want you to be nervous in your audition if I was there and I figured it wasn’t a huge deal if you found out this morning,” you said.

“No, no mam. It’s-”

“Please, no mam or boss or that crap. Y/N, that’s it,” you said. “I’m not even your boss.”

“I’m mostly embarrassed about how I gushed last night about the book to the freakin author,” he said, some blush crossing his cheeks.

“As the freakin author, we live for that shit,” you laughed. Jensen relaxed and let out a small one of his own. “I watched your audition. You knew Lyle inside and out.”

“I’ve read the book more than a few times. I…” he trailed off, face going red.

“Yes?”

“I should quit while I’m ahead,” he said.

“Maybe you can tell me why you like it so much over that drink,” you said, giving him a smile. He looked around and raised an eyebrow.

“You still want to do that?” he asked.

“I’m in charge. It doesn’t mean I’m your boss. That’s casting’s job. I would still expect a drink,” you said.

“Is that such a good idea?” he asked.

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I sort of asked as...not friends,” he said. “You being...you and the director…”

“Oh,” you said.

“Your dad is kind of terrifying too,” he said.

“Yeah. He has scared off more than a few guys. Or they’re more interested in him,” you said, forcing a smile. You’d never in a million years want him to feel uncomfortable so if he wanted to keep things professional, that was okay with you. “I guess I’ll be drinking alone on Saturday then.”

“I mean, I didn’t say…” he trailed off. “Maybe someday-“

“It’s cool, Jensen. Let’s get started for the day, hm?” you said. He nodded and you headed back inside the house, finding your chair in a back room. “We ready to go?”

“Mhm,” said your assistant director AJ as he took a seat beside you. You sat back and pulled on your headphones as various departments started shouting off, the camera lining up its first shot.

“Action!” you called. Your dad walked into the kitchen, pointing for Jensen to take a seat. He begrudgingly did so, your dad going to the fridge and pulling out a carton of eggs.

“You live here?” asked Jensen.

“No. I pay the mortgage on this place for fun. Of course I live here, kid,” he said. “Now keep your mouth shut.”

“You’re not a very pleasant person,” mumbled Jensen. Your dad spun around and grabbed the fork off the table, holding it up to Jensen’s neck. He froze, not even letting a breath escape.

“I am still not positive if I’m letting you live yet so be quiet if you want to increase your odds,” he said. Jensen swallowed and your dad pulled away, going back to the eggs. “I hope you like fried eggs.”

“Actually I don’t,” said Jensen. Your dad spun around again but this time Jensen stared him down.

“Fried eggs it is,” he said with a smirk. Jensen rolled his eyes and you called cut.

“Do it again,” you said. “Jensen, can you pause when you walk in and take a look around this time? Notice the house a bit.”

“No problem,” he said.

“Reset,” you said, waiting for them to get out of view of the camera. “Action!”

“Hey, Jensen,” you said, catching him in the parking lot for the actors near the production office that evening. He spun around with a smile, fixing his backpack on his shoulders.

“Hi, Y/N. What’s up?” he asked.

“I uh, just wanted to say you did really good today. I’m really happy you’re playing Lyle,” you said.

“Oh. Thanks. I’m nowhere near as good as your dad,” he said. “He’s kind of insanely good at this.”

“He’s had more practice,” you said. “Honestly though, I’m glad Gil dropped out. He wouldn’t have done what you were doing today.”

“Why’d he drop out anyways? He’s in freaking Marvel movies. He’s huge,” said Jensen.

“I think he got an offer to do some serious drama. He doesn’t need a breakthrough role. He’s already had that. To be honest I never liked the choice,” you said.

“Well, Lyle’s smart. Gil isn’t exactly known for playing intelligent characters,” said Jensen. You smirked and he rubbed the back of his neck. “I probably shouldn’t trash talk him. I’ve never met him.”

“I have. Trust me. He deserves it. You know your Lyle Sullivan,” you said.

“I started rereading today during a few breaks. Never hurts to have the source material in your head,” he said.

“Not sure Gil can read so you’re already winning,” you said. Jensen laughed and nodded. “You don’t have to reread though Jensen. I kept the script the same as the book.”

“Oh, I know. I could tell there weren’t really any changes between them. I just like rereading it,” he said.

“I like to read it every once in a while too,” you said. “I’d say if you ever had any questions on how to play a scene or how Lyle would act feel free to ask but I have a feeling you won’t need help in that department.”

“You had plenty of notes for me today,” he said, ducking his head down.

“I’m sorry,” you said, his head instantly popping up.

“No, no. They were good. It’s kind of why I’m reading it again. Take the kitchen scene today. It’s very clear in the book how Lyle looks around the space,” he said. You stared at him and smiled.

“Jensen, you don’t have to memorize the thing. It’s why I give you notes, so you don’t have to. I know I went a bit overboard today. I’ll try to ease up some.”

“No, it’s good. Keep doing it. It makes it better,” he said. “I want to make it look as good as possible. I can’t imagine being in charge of everything.”

“Well I only get called kid in every meeting I’m in which is lovely,” you said. “I mean my dad is the other lead. I get the whole people thinking this is nepotism thing.”

“Didn’t you use a pen name during publishing though, at least to get someone to choose it on it’s own merits, not your name? I thought I read that,” he said.

“Yeah. I did. Once I got the deal I gave my real name. I mean, people can think whatever they want. I wanted it published because it was good enough though, not because some chick in an office thinks my dad is attractive or something,” you said.

“I can understand that,” he said. “Hey, can I ask question about the book?”

“Shoot,” you said as he leaned back against his car.

“Why does the cover have a picture of the woods on a bright day if it’s the Dark Woods? I always wondered that,” he said.

“Oh boy,” you laughed. “It’s been a while since I’ve been asked that. If you can believe it, there was a printing error where they forgot to add a filter but it was too late to go back and fix it. I ended up liking it.”

“Here I thought it was because Lyle’s a good guy, Hale too, despite all the reasons they have to be bad,” he said. “You know, light in dark. Symbolism or whatever.”

“Nah,” you laughed, Jensen letting out one of his own. “I do like that interpretation though. I uh, I’m sorry for keeping you. I’m sure you want to get home. I have to go do some more work. I won’t keep you anymore.”

“No, it’s cool. I like talking to you,” he said. “I’ll catch you around tomorrow, Y/N.”

“You too, Jensen.”

You headed into the building, heading upstairs to where your movie had a few rooms to use. You popped into your small office and pulled out your laptop from your backpack, stretching before you grabbed your binder and sat down.

You skimmed through it and made some notes, hopping back and forth between it and your email for a while. You yawned and put your head in your hand, scrolling through a few things and making a choice on a few costume choices for Jensen and your dad.

“Kiddo,” said your dad, shaking your shoulder all of a sudden. You popped your head up from your production office desk, your dad giving you a smile. “You missed mom’s calls earlier. She had me come check on you since you never answered. I think you conked out at some point.”

“What time is it?” you yawned.

“About three in the morning. I checked your apartment first,” he said. “Come on, up and at ‘em.”

“I got to be here at six for prep, might as well stay,” you said, stretching in your seat.

“You’ll burn yourself out if you pull all-nighters all the time,” he said. “It’s only day three.”

“And it took a lot longer to film yesterday’s scenes than I thought it would,” you said. “Everything was good but the location hopping took way longer than I thought it would.”

“Follow me,” he said. You groaned and he pulled you to your feet, guiding you down the hall and outside to the night air. You walked for a few minutes until you were at his trailer door, your dad opening it up and flipping on the light switch.

“Your trailers have gotten nicer over the years,” you said as you stepped up inside

“And what was your favorite part of my trailers ever since you were a little girl?” he asked, walking you back to the bedroom. “The big ass bed.”

“They were awesome for jumping on,” you said.

“Well next time you skip dinner at our place, text mom so she doesn’t worry and the next time you need to stay late, crash here, sweetie,” he said. “Now sleep, kiddo. I’ll be out on the pullout.”

“Thanks dad,” you said, getting a kiss on the forehead before you plopped down on the bed.

“Rest up. Tomorrow’s a big stunt day.”

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A/N: Read Part 3 here!

#supernatural #spn #jensen x reader #jensen ackles #supernatural series #supernatural reader insert #jensen ackles x reader #spn reader insert #jensen reader insert #jensen x #jensen ackles x you

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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How Dear Evan Hansen Changes the Musical’s Ending

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This article contains Dear Evan Hansen spoilers, both for the movie and the stage show.

No matter how you come to the story of Dear Evan Hansen, and regardless of the medium, things always have to end at the same apple orchard. It’s fitting since Evan’s first major lie about Connor Murphy, the boy who killed himself, was that they spent whole days in the then-abandoned orchard, talking about girls, boats, and whatever other fantasies Evan could concoct. And it’s here that Zoe Murphy, Connor’s younger sister, requests Evan meet her for the story’s final scene.

This is true of the stage show, which took Broadway by storm five years ago—winning six Tonys including for Best Musical and Best Actor for Ben Platt—and it’s the same for the movie, with Platt’s Evan coming to a now renewed orchard and sitting with the cinematic Zoe (Kaitlyn Dever). Among the trees, Evan can see at least one good thing that came out of his lies: The Connor Murphy Project reopened this small slice of paradise.

Yet how Dear Evan Hansen gets to that moment in the movie is drastically different from the stage musical. Then again, so is the world in the five years since the musical’s Broadway debut (and six since it was first performed in Washington D.C.). Hence why director Stephen Chbosky and screenwriter Steven Levenson, who adapted his own book from the stage, have attempted to adjust to our current social climate. The new ending addresses the harshest criticisms about the Evan Hansen character, and the values his tale might promote. This is, after all, a musical about a troubled young man who exploits the suicide of a stranger in his school to increase his popularity and to insinuate himself into the dead boy’s family.

But is the new ending an actual improvement? Well…

How Dear Evan Hansen Ends on Stage

The entire narrative of Dear Evan Hansen pivots on a misunderstanding between Evan and the Murphy family as the latter grieve over the suicide of Connor. When Connor’s parents, Cynthia and Larry, first misconstrue Evan’s letter to himself as their son’s suicide note, Evan attempts to correct them. However, they seem so heartbroken, and Evan is so desperate to please and be accepted—by anyone—he quickly goes along with it and begins spinning tales about his and Connor’s intimate friendship.

The musical is thus a rising crescendo that builds as Evan climbs higher and higher off his mistruths. So the inevitable moment where his house of cards comes crashing down is the narrative’s real climax. And yet, in the original version of Dear Evan Hansen, the story more or less ends right there. After Evan confesses in the song “Words Fail” that he lied about the letter and his entire friendship with Connor, the horrified Murphys walk away from him one by one, with various degrees of disgust. He then comes clean to his mother in the final big song of the show, “So Big / So Small,” where she comforts her son. She’ll never walk away.

The musical then quickly jumps one year into the future, with Evan revealed to be working part-time and attending community college, hoping to save up enough money to someday attend a university. Zoe, who’s now a senior in high school, invites Evan to the orchard where he thanks her family for never revealing his secret to the public—never telling the world he lied about Connor. And, rather incredulously, Zoe absolves Evan and the audience of any guilt. She says, “Everybody needed [the lie] for something.” She even goes so far to say it “saved my parents.” It brought her family closer together.

So while it’s still bittersweet since Evan’s relationship with the Murphys, including Zoe, is forever severed, there are still no real consequences for Evan other than Cynthia and Larry won’t pay for his college education. Even his guilt is assuaged, and he can brag to Zoe that he’s been reading the 10 books Connor said were his favorites in eighth grade. The show more or less ends in a figurative group hug by omitting through a time jump all of the messy fallout from his choices.

How Dear Evan Hansen the Movie Ends

In the film, “Words Fail” is still the climax of the story, with Evan confessing his sins and Zoe walking away. However, in one telling addition, Cynthia (played with delicate fragility by Amy Adams) is barely able to whisper, “I think it’s time for you to leave” while holding back tears. Since she was Evan’s biggest champion, that she is now the one who states explicitly he is disinvited from their home hits hardest.

Then after Evan’s heart-to-heart with his mother (Julianne Moore), we actually see Evan attempt to make amends for his misdeeds. For starters, the whole reason the truth finally came out in both versions of the story is because of the machinations of a schoolmate named Alana (Amandla Stenberg in the film), who accidentally unleashed a whole social media mob on the Murphys, with randos on the internet blaming the parents for Connor’s suicide.

On stage, this plot element is entirely dropped after Evan confesses to the Murphys, who presumably bear the brunt of the social media hate in quiet while protecting Evan’s secret. In the film though, Evan actually attempts to talk to Zoe in school the following week and she asks him to leave her alone. She also reveals the only reason her parents haven’t unmasked what Evan did is because “they’re afraid you’ll do something to yourself.” Like Connor.

Thus Evan gets on Twitter that night and tells the world, “[The Murphys] don’t deserve your hate. I do.” He confesses. Afterward, he again becomes a high school pariah, but we learn in montage he is more content this way as he tries to make further amends to the Murphys by not only reading Connor’s favorite books but tracking down someone’s phone video of Connor during his stint in rehab. Evan even finds footage of Connor playing his guitar, a feat he hid from his parents. The new song “A Little Closer,” which scores the final montage, is revealed to be a melody Connor wrote and sang in rehab, and Evan is able to at least mail that to Connor’s parents. He’s finally given them something true that they didn’t know about their son.

Only then, before the current school year ends, does Zoe invite Evan to an apple orchard and they reminisce about what might’ve been.

Does It Improve Evan Hansen and the Story?

The clear implication for adding these sequences, plus a song that the real Connor Murphy character can sing, is intended to fix the moral and thematic slipperiness at the heart of Dear Evan Hansen. Through a series of hummable ballads by songwriters Benji Pasek and Justin Paul, and some heartbreaking performances, including by Platt in the original cast, the stage production relies on the power of its emotions to overwhelm logic or deeper analysis. Some might even say it manipulates.

Yet over the years, the musical has had its fair share of detractors who pointed out how calculating and toxic the Evan Hansen character can appear. And the fact the musical just ends on the emotional high point without actually bothering to sift through the wreckage of what Evan did has always been a cheat.

Conversely, there are a few fleeting sequences in the stage version where the musical at least briefly seems to consider its darker implications. Evan’s loose group of (bad) friends in Alana and Jared contribute to this element in the song “Good for You,” where they sing in unison, “Well, I guess if I’m not of use, go ahead, you can cut me loose. Go ahead now, I won’t mind.”

The Alana relationship is particularly interesting in the show since it is only after she demands of Evan “how” will he raise $17,000 that he shows her Connor’s “suicide note.” He immediately protests after she decides to post it online, but did he not on some level show it to her in order for her to use it to raise $17,000 and reopen the apple orchard? After this scene, Alana ghosts him, suggesting she was herself only using Evan to brandish her social clout in the school and, eventually, her college applications.

The Dear Evan Hansen movie tries to wipe even this thorniness away. The context of Evan showing the note to Alana is handled slightly differently, but as a consequence there’s no ambiguity on why he showed it to her—he did not intend for her to share it online. She also, like Evan, is softened around the edges when she does answer Evan’s ringing phone on-screen and cries that she tried to take the letter down but it’s still all over social media.

The logic behind the change would seem to make both Evan and Alana more purely sympathetic and blameless for their mistakes. In Alana’s case, she isn’t a master manipulator, and in Evan’s case it is beyond his control when others take things too far. He then puts in the work to help the Murphys, beginning by admitting to the world his dishonesty.

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These were obviously conscious choices made after the five years and full lifetime which passed since 2016—a year where Barack Obama was still president and the #MeToo movement hadn’t yet occurred. Now in an age where social accountability, especially in online life, and alleged authenticity are valued more than ever, having a hero who lies to the world and gets away with it is inherently problematic. So the flaws in Evan’s choices, and even Alana’s, are “fixed” with crocodile tears of regret from Alana, and then Evan making an actual effort to atone for his mistakes.

Yet I would argue it doesn’t actually improve the fundamental issues with the musical. In the case of Alana, having a character show the ugly side of social manipulation, even among ostensibly sympathetic figures, was one of the truer impulses in a story that otherwise glorifies the healing power of finding validation from strangers on the internet. While both the film and show also depict the downside of online life with a discordant singing hydra coming after the Murphys, it’s only because of a couple of misguided mistakes. And in the case of the stage show, the larger message is Evan’s musical platitudes are simply too powerful (or profitable) for the Murphys to shatter.

In 2021, Evan and his creators make the choice that he can admit his mistakes. Yet the story still attempts to justify Evan’s actions, which ironically puts the film at odds with itself. It basks in the splendor of Evan’s self-help ballad, “You Will Be Found,” and then shows him suffering comeuppance for lying—even if Zoe still gives him final absolution.

The one significant change that clicks for me is Evan at least seeking out some hidden truth about Connor, and sharing it with the real people who actually loved him instead of strangers, who in turn would only again offer performative gestures and signaled virtue toward a kid they otherwise ignored. Hearing Colton Ryan’s Connor sing for himself—for the first time in any medium—and not merely be a puppet for Evan’s self-serving fantasies was a significant, moving improvement over how this thread is resolved on the stage.

Still, I think going further in that direction with Evan realizing the crassness of what he created, and the emptiness of his bromides, would’ve made this a more interesting narrative. But what do I know? My instincts wouldn’t have turned this into a Broadway anthem for Generation Z. So how about yourself? Do you like the new ending to Dear Evan Hansen?

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churchkey · 3 years

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2020 Writing Wrapped

I was tagged by the lovely and talented @anthrobrat and one of my resolutions is to do the stuff people tag me for (and also, Laura is just wonderful and I’m lucky that she’s my friend) so I’ll give this a twirl.

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 8(ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work.

I don’t know if I can make it to eight but we’ll see. Here’s a fun story - I used to be in this fandom back when we just shared stuff in a super-secret private community on LJ because many of the IRL guys were still alive and we were horrified of people finding out about us. But that was like 15 years ago and a lot has changed so here I am back on my bullshit and really so grateful that this fandom is still around because my love for this series and the very beautiful actors responsible for the fictionalized versions of the IRL guys and their crazy passionate ships who live rent-free in my soul has not dimmed a bit. So THANK YOU for being here and reading my stories inspiring me with YOUR stories and headcannons and being my friends.

So here we go. All of these are Winnix, btw. Someday I’ll learn to write for another ship.

Total (posted) Word Count: 119,294

1. A Spell of Riot (E) This is hands-down, no question, the fic I am most proud of having finished, not just this year but in all of my fandom career. I got the idea to write it from a kiss prompt last summer, just a light little thing about Dick saying goodbye to Lew as he drops him off for alcohol treatment. I never dreamed it would turn into 62k of something into which I ended up pouring three months of love and stress and tears and fairly painstaking research. The feedback I’ve gotten from you about this has been so incredibly humbling and I truly believe I’ve become a more compassionate person from this experience. You just never know what invisible battles people are fighting. I feel lucky to have had this opportunity to tell this part of their story.

2. It Is My Heart That’s Late (E) This was the first thing I ever wrote for the LLSS prompt meme, so it was kind of the first step I took toward actually being a part of the community rather than just going about my work in silence and isolation (which, tbh, I still do... I’m just that kind of writer, but I’m trying to get better about connecting with other creators). For this one I got to flex my description muscles, which was probably the biggest challenge of this story. I wanted to make readers feel immersed in the whole sensual world of Iowa in the summertime, as well as the inner nostalgic world of lovers coming back together after five years. It was also the first time I wrote an OC and had a lot of fun channeling what I think my mom/aunts would have been like at that age (as the whole thing was based on what she’s told me about growing up in that place at that time... Dick as the hired man is based on her family’s hired man, Tommy, who lived in a little cottage on their back 40. Sorry that’s probably more than you want to know.) ANYWAY. I was really happy with the subtlety (I think) I was able to bring out in the way their love has changed over the time they’ve been apart. And I got Dick’s ass to Chicago, finally!

3. Roger Wilco (E) I like this one because I think it’s the ultimate Porn with Feelings, even though when I started I tried to just make it straight-up porn. But I’m a sucker for them being completely smitten with each other, and those feelings sort of bleeding into everything they do/say/think/feel. I also think it’s pretty hot, if I do say so myself. Describing Dick pleasuring himself is like... maybe my favorite thing to write about with him, sex-wise.

4. Things He Cannot Lose (T) The very first story I posted when I came back to the BoB fandom was Long Ago and Far Away, but that was a collection of ficlets I’d written many years ago. This one was the first new thing I’d written in many many years and it felt so freaking good to be writing again, and being in these guys’ heads again, and trying to do justice to the pining and brooding and angsting and loving. It was also the first peek of erection-probs Lew, which you all know by now is a thing I love to work in whenever I can. Sweet, drunk, lovelorn mess that he is, bless his soul.

5. Free Kittens (T) It’s so silly but I’m proud of this one because I feel like I can’t write fluff and, aside from some of Dick’s decidedly non-fluffy attitudes toward the barn kittens, I think I managed to make it pure, uncomplicated domestic fluff. I hope so, anyway. I also freed myself of my narrative structure of staying in one character’s POV for an entire scene, trying instead to do a little more free indirect discourse and float back and forth between them. So even though it’s silly AF, this one has poked its sharp little claws into my heart.

And I’m awful at the tagging thing and feel like I'm just annoying people by tagging them and also that they’ve already been tagged a million times but here we go @speirtongirl and @rillalala

#2020 writing wrapped #band of brothers #hbo war #Winnix #wining fic #by me

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awesomesusiebstuff · 4 years

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Time Together Changes Everything

This was written for @idreamofplaid Thanks For The Memories Challenge. It was inspired by scenes form Supernatural Season 13 episodes Patience and The Big Empty and by my love for the relationship between Sam and Jack.

Characters: Sam Winchester, Jack Kline, Dean Winchester

Words: 2,113

Warnings: None that I could think of. Pure fluff.

A/N Thanks to @fangirlxwritesx67 for reading and encouraging and to @thoughtslikeaminefield for beta read and suggestions for improvement.

Summary: Dean is angry. Jack is afraid of Dean and of his own powers. Sam is trying to keep himself and everyone else together. Someone has to be the adult in the bunker. Who knew trying to raise a Nephilim would be so difficult?

With Cas dead and Mary gone, life in the bunker was very uncomfortable. Truth be told, uncomfortable was too small a word to describe the atmosphere. Charged, hostile, despairing. Those were more accurate descriptions. Everyone who remained had been sent reeling. The world had spun off its axis and no one had time to adjust to the new trajectory.

Dean was mourning his best friend, and his mother, and was caught up in blaming the bunker’s newest resident for his loss. Jack was feeling alone and frightened. Everything was new and terrifying to him, including his own powers. And Sam, Sam was just trying to keep it together.

He had lost his friend and mother -- and, God, it hurt! But he was convinced that Jack was not a monster and knew that someone had to look after him. So, in one of the greatest ironies of all time, Sam chose to step up and protect the son of Lucifer, which included helping Jack learn how to control his powers and use them for good.

Training was not going well. Jack had been trying his hardest to please Sam by making a pencil levitate. Sam had been trying his best to be patient and not pressure Jack. He knew Jack was scared. Sam was frustrated though, and felt he was doing everything wrong. He had no real experience with kids. And, even though Sam knew he did the best he could, his own father was not exactly a role model. Sam was worried he would not be an adequate parent for any child, let alone for a Nephilim. Just the thought of it was overwhelming.

Sam wished he could get Dean on board for some much needed help, but Dean was convinced Jack was evil and would turn on them as soon as he had the opportunity. Dean had gone so far as to tell Jack he would be the one to kill him if he went dark side. Sam understood that his brother’s first response to any strong, uncomfortable emotion was anger. He knew this was part of Dean’s grieving process, but his brooding and glaring at Jack was not helping the situation.

The day everything changed was the day Jack blew up at Sam and fled to his room. Sam found him sitting in the corner in tears. Sam knew what it was to feel like a disappointment. He was mortified to be the cause of Jack’s tears.

Sam sat next to Jack on the floor and bumped his shoulder to get the boy’s attention. In the gentlest voice possible, Sam said “I’m sorry for pushing so hard, Jack. I forget that you’re just a kid. I want you to know that whether you get a handle on your powers or not, you are not a disappointment. Your mom believed in you. Cas believed in you. And I believe in you.”

By this time, Jack had turned so he could look at Sam, his face so open and hopeful that Sam found himself close to tears. “OK,” Jack said.” I’m ready to try again.” “Great!” Sam replied. “But let’s have a little fun first, take a break.”

Sam wasn’t really sure what would be fun for a Nephilim. Truth be told, he wasn’t certain what would be fun for a child. Sam thought about things he had liked to do as a child. He remembered that most of his favorite things involved fantasy of some kind. He didn’t think he should resort to playing Batman and Robin or soldiers with Jack. He decided to start introducing Jack to the world of Star Wars, figuring that would at least be interesting for him.

He left Jack in his room with a laptop and Clone Wars. When he checked back a few hours later, he saw that Jack had not moved off his bed and was still working his way through the episodes. Sam asked, ”Hey, how’s it going?” Jack looked up and replied, “Good. I’m enjoying it. I’m not too fond of Anakin, though.” Sam laughed when he heard this. He was taking this as an indication that Jack was not going to go all Darth Vader on the world. At Jack’s questioning look, Sam smiled and said, “I’ll explain it to you another time.” Jack just nodded and went back to his viewing.

Sam left to make Jack something to eat and ran into Dean in the kitchen. He was still smiling when he said, “So get this. Jack doesn’t like Anakin Skywalker. Dude, that’s a good thing, right?” Dean didn’t really answer but he actually smiled. Sam chose to see this as another good sign. Maybe the ice around Dean was starting to thaw and he would begin to warm up to Jack.

Jack really seemed to enjoy the animated series so Sam downloaded the movies for him, starting, of course, with the original one featuring Luke Skywalker and Han Solo. While Jack watched, Sam returned to the library to do more research on Nephilim.

Thinking about Star Wars and his own childhood had triggered some not so great memories, like how much he disliked being left alone to entertain himself when Dean and his father went on hunts. Those memories made him realize he was doing the same thing to Jack. Sam might not know the best way to teach Jack to use his powers, but he could spend time with him and show Jack what it was like to be human.

From that day on, Sam made a point of spending time with Jack and introducing him to what he called “the human experience.” He listed what he considered essentials and set himself the goal of checking at least one thing off the list every day.

Sam was aware that Jack was too small to wear any of Dean’s clothes. And his own clothes certainly would not fit him. So clothes shopping moved to the top of the list.

Sam never paid much attention to clothes but he found that he actually enjoyed helping Jack find things to wear that he would like and that would feel comfortable. One of their most successful shopping excursions netted Jack a new “favorite” hoodie and a pair of sneakers with Velcro, both of which quickly became part of his daily wardrobe.

Grocery shopping was not quite as successful. Jack discovered he liked candy, sugary cereal, and just about anything sweet. Sam tried to introduce him to all sorts of fruits and vegetables. Jack would try everything but nothing beat nougat and Sam would always catch him trying to sneak sweets into the grocery cart.

Sam was aware that Jack’s grocery preferences contributed to Dean’s warming up to him. Dean would never take Jack shopping, but whenever Dean went on a supply run, Sam saw that a handful of candy bars and a couple boxes of sugary cereal mysteriously made it into the bunker.

Dean couldn’t help noticing that Jack looked up to Sam and that Sam looked happier when he was doing things with Jack. One day he commented, “Dude, I’m glad to see you looking like less of a sad sack.” Sam gave Dean the patented eye roll and said, “Yeah, I think things are getting better.” Sam knew better than to push Dean so he just smiled to himself and let it drop.

Hunting was the family business, so, of course, Sam taught Jack about monsters and the lore. He took Jack out to walk around a cemetery and explained how EMF worked. He let Jack read his hunting journal and some of the notes he kept about monsters he and Dean had encountered.

Sam stayed away from the topic of Lucifer as much as possible. He knew Jack had questions. Jack finally came out and asked, “Is my father a monster?” Sam answered honestly, ”Yes, Jack, he is. And someday I’ll tell you more about him and why I know he is evil. But Jack, that does not mean you will be evil. You have a choice and I believe you will make the right one.”

After that, Sam was always very careful to make sure Jack knew he and Dean did not see him as a monster. He believed that Jack trusted that Sam saw him as a real person and not just some “cosmic entity” with potentially useful powers. He knew Jack was still unsure about Dean, especially after Dean’s “cosmic can opener” crack. Sometimes Jack had bad dreams and he would go to find Sam. He would always ask, “Is Dean going to kill me?’ And Sam always replied, “No. I won’t let that happen.”

Jack’s nightmares became less frequent. One morning he came to Sam and said ”I don’t think Dean plans to kill me anytime soon.” Sam recognized this as real progress and decided to plan a Lord of The Rings movie marathon to celebrate. However, before the marathon could begin, Sam decided Jack needed one more lesson. Sam wanted to show Jack the failsafe weapon to be deployed when trying to get Dean to do anything. Sam left Jack practicing his puppy dog eyes in the mirror and went to find Dean. Sam used his own puppy dog eyes on his brother and Dean agreed to join them in watching the first movie.

Midway through the movie, Jack asked ,“Aren’t people supposed to have snacks when they’re watching a movie?” and Sam watched Jack unleash his version of the pleading eyes on Dean. Sam smirked as he watched Dean jump up to go to the kitchen, saying “I’m on it. Popcorn and nachos coming right up. Anybody need another drink?” By the time the credits rolled on the last film, all three were devouring a Dean made “hobbit second breakfast” of waffles, bacon, and a veggie omelet for Sam.

The next day, Jack proudly announced, “I found a case for you.” Dean surprised Sam by inviting Jack to come with them on the hunt. It turned out to be a simple salt-and-burn and didn’t require any use of special powers. Jack showed he was able to listen and followed Sam’s every direction. And Sam knew Jack’s willingness to do the grave digging won him points with Dean.

Jack’s full acceptance into the Winchester family became apparent to Sam the day after they returned to the bunker. Sam noticed that Dean had begun calling Jack “kid” and he immediately recognized what that meant. Any lingering doubt Sam may have had disappeared when Dean began teasing Jack about his hair.

Dean said “Hey, kid. You’re getting a little shaggy. Which is ok if you want Wookie hair but…” and then gave Sam a pointed look.

Jack looked at Sam for guidance, unsure of how to respond. Sam just laughed and directed a “jerk” at Dean.

Sam said, “Jack, it’s your hair and you decide how you want it to look.”

After giving it some thought, Jack said, “I guess I don’t want to look like a Wookie. Can I get a haircut?”

Dean volunteered to cut Jack’s hair but Sam just chuckled and shook his head. Sam decided he would make an appointment with the girl who cut his own hair and take Jack into town for his haircut.

The next day, Sam and Jack drove into town. Sandra, Sam’s usual stylist, greeted them with a smile and innocently asked Sam, “And who is this?” referring to Jack.

Giving one of his awkward waves, Jack shyly said, “I’m Jack.”

Sam was taken aback because he hadn’t thoroughly thought this thing through. Of course, Sandra knew Sam and would be curious about Jack. By that time, Jack was nervously staring at the floor. And Sam was hit by the realization that that this was Jack’s first haircut and it was a big deal for him.

Not giving himself time to think, Sam blurted out, “He’s my son.” When he saw the biggest smile he had ever seen on Jack’s face, he knew it was the right thing to say. More than that, he knew it was the truth.

He felt himself smiling just as big when Jack answered, “Yes, that’s my Dad.”

He might not have been prepared to be a parent. But at that moment, if anyone had asked Sam Winchester if he was happy to be a father, his answer would be a resounding “Yes!”

Tagging Interested Parties: @idreamofplaid @fangirlxwritesx67 @thoughtslikeaminefield @kickingitwithkirk @klaatu51 @aeo10fan

#my own stuff #plaid and the memories #sam winchester #sam is jack's father

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dagmartoons · 4 years

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(Under the cut is my goodbye to Steven Universe that I wrote out earlier today.)

It's kind of hard to put into words how much Steven Universe means to me.

I still remember the day it premiered in England. I had seen ads for it on TV and in comics I got at that point (I actually thought Amethyst and Garnet were boys at first; oh how wrong I was). I remember watching Laser Light Cannon that day and just being blown away by the animation, backgrounds, music, story and characters. From that episode onward I was hooked. From that episode onward I loved Steven Universe.

I remember the day I first saw Steven the Sword Fighter and being so scared that Pearl had died. I remember the first time I saw Mirror Gem, all these questions about this mysterious new gem named Lapis Lazuli filling my brain. I remember going online to find songs and videos and clips from episodes that hadn't aired in the UK yet. I remember the day I discovered Garnet was a fusion from one of those 107 Facts videos. I remember the first time I heard Stronger Than You was from a YouTube cover. I remember the Summer of Steven, meeting Bismuth and hearing It's Over Isn't It for the first time. I was so in awe of that song I emailed a video of it to my sister saying it was the best song in the series. It's still one of my favorites.

I remember the night my sister and I discovered that Rose had shattered Pink Diamond. I remember the night I learned that the theory I thought up until that point was so ridiculous and impossible because there's no way Rose was actually Pink Diamond was true. I was speechless. I squealed at Ruby's proposal, I was stunned by the wedding episode, I drew fanart of White Diamond as soon as Legs From Here to Homeworld dropped on the app because I thought she was so creepy and cool, I was scared, overjoyed and just amazed at Change Your Mind that I thought "how is the sixth season even gonna work at this point." I remember seeing the movie when it premiered with my sister, just being so emotionally spent by the end of it and downloading the soundtrack on Apple Music the first chance I got. I remember the Future reveal and being so excited and so scared at the same time for what could possibly happen next. I remember whisper-screaming "holy shit" when Jasper was shattered.

I have so many memories and experiences tied to this show. When I discovered Peridot was my birthstone not only did she become my favorite character (she still is), but I made my own gemsona as well as ones for my sisters. I first envisioned one of my oldest OCs looking like Lapis. I’ve found ways for so many of this show’s songs to fit in my own projects. In one of my old sketchbooks there are at least two pages with just photos of backgrounds from Steven Universe glued on them because they inspired me so much. I started to understand what being LGBT meant thanks to Steven Universe. I watched countless fanmade videos back when I was first really getting into YouTube and dreamed of making my own someday. I don't think there's a show out there that has inspired me and made me as emotional as Steven Universe has, and there likely will never be one like it again.

I think it's safe to say Steven Universe has surpassed the original Powerpuff Girls as my favorite TV show of all time. I doubt there will be another show in the near future with the same level of music, story, characters, themes and animation as Steven Universe. I'm writing this the day before the finale airs so I have no idea what's coming or how it's going to end, but whatever happens I will always be thankful to this show and the people who worked on it for making the last seven years of my life a truly amazing experience.

To Rebecca Sugar, thank you for creating this show and taking me and many others on such a beautiful ride.

To Ian Jones-Quartey, Kat Morris, Jackie Buscarino, Hillary Florido, Lauren Zuke, Ellie Michalka, Jasmin Lai, Ben Levin, Matt Burnett, Jeff Liu, Katie Mitroff, Steven Sugar, Takafumi Hori, Kevin Dart, Lamar Abrams and the rest of the crew past and present, thank you all for everything you did to make this show as beautiful and compelling as it was.

To Zach Callison, Deedee Magno Hall, Michaela Dietz, Estelle, Grace Rolek, Tom Scharpling, Shelby Rabara, Jennifer Paz, Susan Egan, Patti LuPone, Matthew Moy, Kate Micucci, Charlyne Yi, Erica Luttrell, Kimberly Brooks, Lisa Hannigan, AJ Michalka, Uzo Aduba, Christine Ebersole, Sarah Stiles and the rest of the phenomenal cast, thank you for making these characters so memorable and their songs so powerful. I almost met Zach, Deedee, Michaela and Estelle at a con last year but was busy meeting other people and missed my chance. Maybe someday I'll get to meet them, as well as Shelby and Jennifer.

To Aivi & Surasshu, Aimee Mann, Mike Krol and everyone who contributed music, thank you for inspiring and moving me so much with the music you composed for the show and introducing me to musical styles I never really thought of before.

And last but not least, to everyone in this fandom, whether they make their own content or not, thank you. The show may be over but as long as we are all here loving it it will never truly be gone. I know there's plenty of fan content here to tide us over long after the finale.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you Steven Universe for all that you've done for me and countless others.

I know I'll continue to believe in Steven for the rest of my life, and I hope you all do too.

#steven universe #steven universe future #su spoilers #there's some under the cut #connie maheswaran #garnet #amethyst #pearl #peridot #lapis lazuli #rose quartz #greg universe #fanart #digital art #art #dagmartoons.

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za3k · 3 years

Text

2020 Videogames

In 2020 I’m newly retired, so I’ve had free time. I think it’s fun to do reviews, so without further ado here’s every video game I played in 2020!

I recommend:

(4/5) Among Us – Very fun. It’s only fun with voice chat with friends, so I’ve only gotten to play once or twice. I’ve been watching it more than playing it. Also free to play for mobile gamers–I’m tired of the “everyone buys a copy” model of group gameplay.

(4/5) Brogue. Brogue is an ascii-art roguelike. It’s great, and it has a nice difficulty ramp. It’s a good “quick break” game. I play it in preference to other roguelikes partly because I haven’t done it to death yet, and partly because I don’t need a numpad?

(4/5) Cook Serve Delicious 3. One of the more fun games I played this year. You get really into it, but I had trouble relaxing and paying attention to the real world when I played too much, haha. I own but haven’t played the first two–I gather this is pretty much just a refinement.

(4/5) Green Hell. Price tag is a bit high for the number of hours I got out of it, but I haven’t finished the story. Great graphics, and the BEST map design I’ve seen in a 3D game in a long time. It feels like a real place, with reasonable geography instead of copy-pasted tiles. I love that as you walk along, you can just spot a cultivated area from the rest of the jungle–it feels more like it’s treating me like an adult than most survival games. Everything still gets highlighted if you can pick it up. I played the survival mode, which was okay but gets old quickly. I started the story mode–I think it would be fine, but it has some LONG unskippable scenes at the start, including a very hand-holdy tutorial, that I think they should have cut. I did start getting into the story and was having fun, but I stopped. I might finish the game some time.

(4/5) Hyperrogue. One of my recent favorites. The dev has made a fair number of highly experimental games, most of which are a total miss with me, but this one is fun. I do wish the early game wasn’t quite as repetitive. Failing another solution, I might actually want this not to be permadeath, or to have a save feature? I bought it on steam to support the dev and get achievements, but it’s also available a version or two behind free, which is how I tried it. Constantly getting updates and new worlds.

(4/5) Minecraft – Compact Claustrophobia modpack. Fun idea, nice variety. After one expansion felt a little samey, and it was hard to start with two people. I’d consider finishing this pack.

(4/5) Overcooked 2. Overcooked 2 is just more levels for Overcooked. The foods in the second game is more fun, and it has better controls and less bugs. If you’re considering playing Overcooked, I recommend just starting with the second game, despite very fun levels in the first. I especially appreciate that the second game didn’t just re-use foods from the first.

(4/5) Please Don’t Press Anything. A unique little game where you try to get all the endings. I had a lot of fun with this one, but it could have used some kind of built-in hints like Reventure. Also, it had a lot of red herrings. Got it for $2, which it was well worth.

(5/5) Reventure. Probably the best game new to me this year. It’s a short game where you try to get each of about 100 endings. The art and writing are cute and funny. The level design is INCREDIBLE. One thing I found interesting is the early prototype–if I had played it, I would NOT have imagined it would someday be any fun at all, let alone as amazing as it is. As a game designer I found that interesting! I did 100% complete this one–there’s a nice in-game hint system, but there were still 1-3 “huh” puzzles, especially in the post-game content, one of which I had to look up. It’s still getting updates so I’m hoping those will be swapped for something else.

(5/5) Rimworld. Dwarf fortress, but with good cute graphics, set in the Firefly universe. Only has 1-10 pawns instead of hundreds of dwarves. Basically Dwarf Fortress but with a good UI. I wish you could do a little more in Rimworld, but it’s a fantastic, relaxing game.

(5/5) Slay the Spire. Probably the game I played most this year. A deckbuilding adventure through a series of RPG fights. A bit luck-based, but relaxing and fun. I like that you can play fast or slow. Very, very well-designed UI–you can really learn how things work. My favorite part is that because it’s singleplayer, it’s really designed to let you build a game-breaking deck. That’s how it should be!

(4/5) Stationeers. I had a lot of fun with this one. It’s similar to Space Engineers but… fun. It has better UI by a mile too, even if it’s not perfect. I lost steam after playing with friends and then going back to being alone, as I often do for base-building games. Looks like you can genuinely make some complicated stuff using simple parts. Mining might not be ideal.

(5/5) Spy Party. One of my favorite games. Very fun, and an incredibly high skill ceiling. There’s finally starting to be enough people to play a game with straners sometimes. Bad support for “hot seat”–I want to play with beginners in person, and it got even harder with the introduction of an ELO equivalent and removing the manual switch to use “beginner” gameplay.

(4/5) Telling Lies. A storytelling game. The core mechanic is that you can use a search engine for any phrase, and it will show the top 5 survellance footage results for that. The game internally has transcripts of every video. I didn’t really finish the game, but I had a lot of fun with it. The game was well-made. I felt the video acting didn’t really add a huge amount, and they could have done a text version, but I understand it wouldn’t have had any popular appeal. The acting was decent. There’s some uncomfortable content, on purpose.

(4/5) Totally Accurate Battle Simulator (TABS). Delightful. Very silly, not what you’d expect from the name. What everyone should have been doing with physics engines since they were invented. Imagine that when a caveman attacks, the club moves on its own and the caveman just gets ragdolled along, glued to it. Also the caveman and club have googley eyes. Don’t try to win or it will stop being fun. Learn how to turn on slo-mo and move the camera.

(4/5) We Were Here Together. Lots of fun. I believe the second game out of three. Still some crashes and UI issues. MUCH better puzzles and the grpahics are gorgeous. They need to fix the crashes or improve the autosave, we ended up replaying a lot of both games from crashes. It’s possible I should be recommending the third game but I haven’t played it yet.

The Rest

(3/5) 5D Chess with Multiverse Time Travel. More fun that it sounds. If you play to mess around and win by accident, it’s pretty good. Definitely play with a second human player, though.

(1.5/5) 7 billion humans. Better than the original, still not fun. Soulless game about a soulless, beige corporation. Just play Zachtronics instead. If you’re on a phone and want to engage your brain, play Euclidea.

(3/5) A Dark Room. Idle game.

(1/5) Amazing Cultivation Simulator. A big disappointment. Bad english voice acting which can’t be turned off, and a long, unskippable tutorial. I didn’t get to actual gameplay. I like Rimworld and cultivation novels so I had high hopes.

(3/5) ADOM (Steam version) – Fun like the original, which I would give 5/5. Developed some major issues on Linux, but I appreciate that there’s a graphical version available, one of my friends will play it now.

(4/5) agar.io – Good, but used to be better. Too difficult to get into games now. Very fun and addictive gameplay.

(3/5) Amorous – Furry dating sim. All of the hot characters are background art you can’t interact with, and the characters you can actually talk to are a bunch of sulky nerds who for some reason came to a nightclub. I think it was free, though.

(0/5) Apis. Alpha game, AFAIK I was the first player. Pretty much no fun right now (to the point of not really being a game yet), but it could potentially become fun if the author puts in work.

(4/5) Autonauts. I played a ton of Autonauts this year, almost finished it, which is rare for me. My main complaint is that it’s fundamentally supposed to be a game about programming robots, but I can’t actually make them do more than about 3 things, even as a professional programmer. Add more programming! It can be optional, that’s fine. They’re adding some kind of tower defense waves instead, which is bullshit. Not recommended because it’s not for everyone.

(3/5) A-Z Inc. Points for having the guts to have a simple game. At first this looked like just the bones of Swarm Simulator, but the more you look at the UI and the ascension system, the worse it actually is. I would regularly reset because I found out an ascension “perk” actually made me worse off.

(5/5) Beat Saber. Great game, and my favorite way to stay in shape early this year. Oculus VR only, if you have VR you already have this game so no need to recommend. Not QUITE worth getting a VR set just to play it at current prices.

(1/5) Big Tall Small. Good idea, but no fun to play. Needed better controls and level design, maybe some art.

(0.5/5) Blush Blush. Boring.

(3/5) Business Shark. I had too much fun with this simple game. All you do is just eat a bunch of office workers.

(3/5) chess.com. Turns out I like chess while I’m high?

(3/5) Circle Empires Rivals. Decent, more fun than the singleplayer original. It shouldn’t really have been a separate game from Circle Empires, and I’m annoyed I couldn’t get it DRM-free like the original.

(3/5) Cross Virus. By Dan-box. Really interesting puzzle mechanics.

(4/5) Cultist Simulator. Really fun to learn how to play–I love games that drop you in with no explanation. Great art and writing, I wish I could have gotten their tarot deck. Probably the best gameplay “ambience” I’ve seen–getting a card that’s labeled “fleeting sense of radiance” that disappears in 5 seconds? Great. Also the core stats are very well thought out for “feel” and real-life accuracy–dread (depression) conquers fascination (mania), etc. It has a few gameplay gotchas, but they’re not too big–layout issues, inability to go back to skipped text, or to put your game in an unwinnable state early on). Unfortunately it’s a “roguelike”, and it’s much too slow-paced and doesn’t have enough replay value, so it becomes a horrible, un-fun grind when you want to actually win. I probably missed the 100% ending but I won’t be going back to get it. I have no idea who would want to play this repeatedly. I’m looking forward to the next game from the same studio though! I recommend playing a friend’s copy instead of buying.

(2/5) Darkest Dungeon. It was fine but I don’t really remember it.

(2/5) Dicey Dungeons. Okay deck-building roguelike gameplay (with an inventory instead of a deck). Really frustrating, unskippably slow difficulty curve at the start. I played it some more this year and liked it better because I had a savegame. I appreciate having several character classes, but they should unlock every difficulty from the start.

(2/5) Diner Bros. Basically just a worse Overcooked. I didn’t like the controls, and it felt too repetitive with only one diner.

(2/5) Don’t Eat My Mind You Stupid Monster. Okay art and idea, the gameplay wasn’t too fun for me.

(2/5) Don’t Starve – I’ve played Don’t Stave maybe 8 different times, and it’s never really gripped me, I always put it back down. It’s slow, a bit grindy, and there’s no bigger goal–all you can do is live.

(3/5) Don’t Starve Together – Confusingly, Don’t Starve Together can be played alone. It’s Don’t Starve, plus a couple of the expansions. This really could be much more clearly explained.

(1/5) Elemental Abyss – A deck-builder, but this time it’s grid-based tactics. Really not all that fun. Just play Into the Abyss instead or something.

(1/5) Else Heart.Break() – I was excited that this might be a version of “Hack N’ Slash” from doublefine that actually delivered and let you goof around with the world. I gave it up in the first ten minutes, because the writing and characters drove me crazy, without getting to hacking the world.

(2/5) Everything is Garbage. Pretty good for a game jam game. Not a bad use of 10 minutes. I do think it’s probably possible to make the game unwinnable, and the ending is just nothing.

(1/5) Evolve. Idle game, not all that fun. I take issue with the mechanic in Sharks, Kittens, and this where buying your 15th fence takes 10^15 wood for some reason.

(4/5) Exapunks. Zachtronics has really been killing it lately, with Exapunks and Opus Magnum. WONDERFUL art and characters during story portions, and much better writing. The gameplay is a little more varied than in TIS-100 or the little I played of ShenZen I/O. My main complaint about Zachtronics games continues to be, that I don’t want to be given a series of resource-limited puzzles (do X, but without using more than 10 programming instructions). Exapunks is the first game where it becomes harder to do something /at all/, rather than with a particular amount of resources, but it’s still not there for me. Like ShenZen, they really go for a variety of hardware, too. Can’t recommend this because it’s really only for programmers.

(1/5) Exception. Programming game written by some money machine mobile games company. Awful.

(4/5) Factorio. Factorio’s great, but for me it doesn’t have that much replay value, even with mods. I do like their recent updates, which included adding blueprints from the start of the game, improving belt sorting, and adding a research queue. We changed movement speed, made things visually always day, and adding a small number of personal construction robots from the start this run. I’m sure if you’d like factorio you’ve played it already.

(3/5) Fall Guys – I got this because it was decently fun to watch. Unfortunately, it’s slightly less fun to play. Overall, there’s WAY too much matchmaking waiting considering the number of players, and the skill ceiling is very low on most of the games, some of which are essentially luck (I’m looking at you, team games).

(3/5) Forager – Decent game. A little too much guesswork in picking upgrades–was probably a bit more fun on my second play because of that. Overall, nice graphics and a cute map, but the gameplay could use a bit of work.

(3/5) Getting Over It – Funny idea, executed well. Pretty sure my friends and I have only gotten through 10% of the game, and all hit about the same wall (the first tunnel)

(3/5) Guild of Dungeoneering – Pretty decent gameplay. I feel like it’s a bit too hard for me, but that’s fine. Overall I think it could use a little more cute/fun art, I never quite felt that motivated.

(1/5) Hardspace: Shipbreakers. Okay, I seriously didn’t get to play this one, but I had GAMEBREAKING issues with my controller, which is a microsoft X-box controller for PC–THE development controller.

(2/5) Helltaker. All right art, meh gameplay. But eh, it’s free!

(3/5) Hot Lava. Decent gameplay. Somehow felt like the place that made this had sucked the souls out of all the devs first–no one cared about the story or characters. It’s a game where the floor is made out of lava, with a saturday morning cartoon open, so that was a really an issue. Admirable lack of bugs, though. I’m a completionist so I played the first world a lot to get all the medals, and didn’t try the later ones.

(3/5) House Flipper – Weird, but I had fun. I wish the gameplay was a little more unified–it felt like a bunch of glued-together minigames.

(2/5) Hydroneer. Utterly uninspiring. I couldn’t care about making progress at all, looked like a terrible grind to no benefit.

(1/5) io. Tiny game, I got it on Steam, also available on phone. Basically a free web flash game, but for money. Not good enough to pay the $1 I paid. Just a bit of a time-killer.

(3/5) Islanders – All you do is place buildings and get points. Not particularly challenging, but relaxing. Overall I liked it.

(3/5) Jackbox – I played this online with a streamer. Jackbox has always felt a little bit soulless money grab to me, but it’s still all right. I like that I can play without having a copy–we need more games using this purchase model.

(3/5) Life is Feudal – Soul-crushingly depressing and grindy, which I knew going in. I thought it was… okay, but I really want an offline play mode (Yes, I know there’s an unsupported single-player game, but it’s buggier and costs money). UI was pretty buggy, and I think hunting might literally be impossible.

(2/5) Minecraft – Antimatter Chemistry. Not particularly fun.

(3/5) Minecraft – ComputerCraft. I played a pack with just ComputerCraft and really nothing else. Was a little slow, would have been more fun with more of an audience. I love the ComputerCraft mod, I just didn’t have a great experience playing my pack I made.

(3/5) Minecraft – Foolcraft 3. Fun, a bit buggy. Honestly I can’t remember it too well.

(1/5) Minecraft – Manufactio. Looked potentially fun, but huge bugs and performance issues, couldn’t play.

(4/5) Minecraft – Tekkit. Tekkit remains one of my favorite Minecraft modpacks.

(3/5) Minecraft – Valhelsia 2. I remember this being fun, but I can’t remember details as much as I’d like. I think it was mostly based around being the latest version of minecraft?

(4/5) Minecraft – Volcano Block. Interesting, designed around some weird mods I hadn’t used. I could have used more storage management or bulk dirt/blocks early in the game–felt quite cramped. Probably got a third of the way through the pack. I got novelty value out of it, but I wouldn’t have enjoyed it if I had ever used the plant mod before–it’s a very fixed, linear progression.

(5/5) Minit. This is a weird, small game. I actually had a lot of fun with it. Then I 100% completed it, which was less fun but I still had a good time overall.

(3/5) Monster Box. By Dan-box. One of two Dan-box games I played a lot of. Just visually appealing, the gameplay isn’t amazing. Also, Dan-box does some great programming–this is a game written in 1990 or so, and it can render hundreds of arrows in the air smoothly in a background tab.

(3/5) Monster Train. A relatively fun deckbuilding card game. It can’t run well on my computer, which is UNACCEPTABLE–this is a card game with 2D graphics. My MICROWAVE should run this shit in 2020. Ignoring that, the gameplay style (summon monsters, MTG style) just isn’t my cup of tea.

(2/5) Moonlighter. Felt like it was missing some inspiration, just didn’t have a sense of “fun”. The art was nice. The credits list is surprisingly long.

(2/5) Muse Dash. All right, a basic rhythm game. Not enough variety to the game play, and everything was based around perfect or near-perfect gameplay, which makes things less fun for me.

(3/5) NES games – various. Dr Mario, Ice Climbers. Basically, I got some Chinese handheld “gameboy” that has all the NES games preloaded on it. Overall it was a great purchase.

(2/5) Noita. “The Powder Game” by Dan-Box, as a procedurally generated platformer with guns. Lets you design your own battle spells. Despite the description, you really still can’t screw around as much as I’d like. I also had major performance issues

(3/5) Observation. I haven’t played this one as much as I’d like, I feel like it may get better. Storytelling, 3D game from the point of view of the AI computer on a space station. I think I might have read a book it’s based on, unfortunately.

(2/5) One Step From Eden. This is a deck-building combat tactics game. I thought it was turn-based, but it’s actually realtime. I think if it was turn-based I would have liked it. The characters were a bit uninspired.

(1/5) Orbt XL. Very dull. I paid $0.50 for it, it was worth that.

(4/5) Opus Magnum. Another great game from Zachtronics, along with Exapunks they’re really ramping up. This is the third execution of the same basic concept. I’d like to see Zachtronics treading new ground more as far as gameplay–that said, it is much improved compared to the first two iterations. The art, writing, and story were stellar on the other hand.

(3/5) Out of Space. Fun idea, you clean a spaceship. It’s never that challenging, and it has mechanics such that it gets easier the more you clean, rather than harder. Good but not enough replay value. Fun with friends the first few times. The controls are a little wonky.

(1/5) Outpost (tower defense game). I hate all tower defense.

(3/5) Overcooked. Overcooked is a ton of fun.

(4/5) Powder Game – Dan-box. I played this in reaction to not liking Noita. It’s fairly old at this point. Just a fun little toy.

(1/5) Prime Mover – Very cool art, the gameplay put me to sleep immediately. A “circuit builder” game but somehow missing any challenge or consistency.

(2/5) Quest for Glory I. Older, from 1989. Didn’t really play this much, I couldn’t get into the writing, and the pseudo-photography art was a little jarring.

(4/5) Raft. I played this in beta for free on itch.io, and had a lot of fun. Not enough changed that it was really worth a replay, but it has improved, and I got to play with a second player. Not a hard game, which I think was a good thing. The late game they’ve expanded, but it doesn’t really add much. The original was fun and so was this.

(3/5) Satisfactory. I honestly don’t know how I like this one–I didn’t get too far into it.

(4/5) Scrap Mechanic. I got this on a recommendation from a player who played in creative. I only tried the survival mode–that mode is not well designed, and their focuses for survival are totally wrong. I like the core game, you can actually build stuff. If I play again, I’ll try the creative mode, I think.

(3.5/5) Shapez.io. A weird, abstracted simplification of Factorio. If I hadn’t played factorio and half a dozen copies, I imagine this would have been fun, but it’s just more of the same. Too much waiting–blueprints are too far into the game, too.

(2.5/5) Simmiland. Okay, but short. Used cards for no reason. For a paid game, I wanted more gameplay out of it?

(0.5/5) Snakeybus. The most disappointing game I remember this year. Someone made “Snake” in 3D. There are a million game modes and worlds to play in. I didn’t find anything I tried much fun.

(1/5) Soda Dungeon. A “mobile” (read: not fun) style idle game. Patterned after money-grab games, although I don’t remember if paid progress was actually an option. I think so.

(4/5) Spelunky. The only procedurally generated platformer I’ve ever seen work. Genuinely very fun.

(4/5) Spelunky 2. Fun, more of an upgrade of new content than a new game. Better multiplayer. My computer can’t run later levels at full speed.

(1/5) Stick Ranger 2. Dan-box. Not much fun.

(3/5) Superliminal. Fun game. A bit short for the pricetag.

(3/5) Tabletop Simulator – Aether’s End: Legacy. Interesting, a “campaign” (series of challenge bosses and pre-written encounters) deckbuilding RPG. I like the whole “campaign RPG boardgame” idea. This would have worked better with paper, there were some rough edges in both the game instructions and the port to Tabletop Simulator.

(4/5) Tabletop Simulator – The Captain is Dead. Very fun. I’d love to play with more than 2 people. Tabletop simulator was so-so for this one.

(2/5) Tabletop Simulator – Tiny Epic Mechs. You give your mech a list of instructions, and it does them in order. Arena fight. Fun, but I think I could whip up something at least as good.

(3/5) The Council. One of the only 3D games I finished. It’s a story game, where you investigate what’s going on and make various choices. It’s set in revolutionary france, at the Secret World Council that determines the fate of the world. It had a weak ending, with less choice elements than the rest of the game so far, which was a weird decision. Also, it has an EXCRUTIATINGLY bad opening scene, which was also weird. The middle 95% of the game I enjoyed, although the ending went on a little long. The level of background knowledge expected of the player swung wildly–they seemed to expect me to know who revolutionary French generals were with no explanation, but not Daedalus and the Minotaur. The acting was generally enjoyable–there’s a lot of lying going on in the game and it’s conveyed well. The pricetag is too high to recommend.

(0/5) The Grandma’s Recipe (Unus Annus). This game is unplayably bad–it’s just a random pixel hunt. Maybe it would be fun if you had watched the video it’s based on.

(3/5) The Room. Pretty fun! I think this is really designed for a touchscreen, but I managed to play it on my PC. Played it stoned, which I think helps with popular puzzle games–it has nice visuals but it’s a little too easy.

(3/5) This Call May Be Recorded. Goofy experimental game.

(4/5) TIS-100. Zachtronics. A programming game. I finally got done with the first set of puzzles and into the second this year. I had fun, definitely not for everyone.

(3/5) Trine. I played this 2-player. I think the difficulty was much better 2-player, but it doesn’t manage 2 players getting separated well. Sadly we skipped the story, which seemed like simple nice low-fantasy. Could have used goofier puzzles, it took itself a little too seriously and the levels were a bit same-y.

(2/5) Unrailed. Co-op railroad building game. It was okay but there wasn’t base-building. Overall not my thing. I’d say I would prefer something like Overcooked if it’s going to be timed? Graphics reminded me of autonauts.

(2/5) Vampire Night Shift. Art game. Gameplay could have used a bit of polish. Short but interesting.

(4/5) Wayward. To date, the best survival crafting system I’ve seen. You can use any pointy object and stick-like object, together with glue or twine, to make an arrow. The UI is not great, and there’s a very counter-intuitive difficulty system. You need to do a little too much tutorial reading, and it could use more goals. Overall very fun. Under constant development, so how it plays a given week is a crapshoot. The steam version finally works for me (last time I played it was worse than the free online alpha, now it’s the same or better). I recomend playing the free online version unless you want to support the author.

(1/5) We Need to Go Deeper. Multiplayer exploration game in a sub, with sidescrolling battle. Somehow incredibly unfun, together with high pricetag. Aesthetics reminded me of Don’t Starve somehow.

(2/5) We Were Here. Okay 2-player puzzle game. Crashed frequently, and there were some “huh” puzzles and UI. Free.

(3/5) Yes, your grace. Gorgeous pixel art graphics. The story is supposed to be very player-dependent, but I started getting the feeling that it wasn’t. I didn’t quite finish the game but I think I was well past halfway. Hard to resume after a save, you forget things. I got the feeling I wouldn’t replay it, which is a shame because it’s fun to see how things go differently in a second play with something like this.

These are not all new to me, and very few came out in 2020. I removed any games I don’t remember and couldn’t google (a fair number, I play a lot of game jam games) as well as any with pornographic content.

2020 Videogames was originally published on Optimal Prime

#games #review #reviews #videogames #yearly review #cross-posted-from-blog

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emiwrites3reads · 5 years

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Hybrid, chapter one

Seris Summary: Reader is part shapeshifter part which, she runs away from her cultist family before they try to sacrifice her familiar, Whisper to some deity she never bothered to learn the name of. She no longer wants to be part of that life. Doing so, she finds herself looking for a job. Her last resort is Lux, a night club that was all the way at the bottom her job list.

Warnings: cult stuff mentioned, sacrificing mentioned.

Characters: in the tags

Chapter summary: applies for a job at Lux, before she even starts the job she runs into some trouble with her past.

(Cat for reference)

______________________________________________________________________

“Whisper! Even McDonalds denied my request” you say looking to her grey tabby familiar. The feline chuckles and puts his paw on the next job on your list. You let out a stiff sigh and look to your cat. He looks amused. “Really? I guess your right, it’s my only option”

You grab your stuff and slip on your favorite band t-shirt. You check to make sure you look semi-decent and fix your hair. You doubt you’ll need to look that fancy for this night club. The people there might not even wear clothes half the time.

“Let’s head out” Your cat turns into mist and manifests into a tattoo of a cat paw on your wrist. It glows your favorite color and then stops, turning to a solid black. You do this every time you leave to a non-pet friendly place. Other times you grab a harness and leash.

It’s not uncomfortable in there. Whisper is basically on a floating island. He tells you its a forest with a meadow and it’s pretty big. You two can still communicate through telepathy like this.

~~~

Your uber drops you off at the night club. The music is shut off and so are the lights as it is the afternoon. There is still a security guard at the front. You walk up to the place, studying it’s glorying. The large sign must look so divine at night.

“Hi sir, may I go in to ask about a job position?” The officer speaks into his walkie-talki and gives you a nod. He opens the door and you step inside. You’ve never seen such a night club. There is a grand piano in the middle, comfy booths, and a big dancing area. Your eyes land at a bar where a fairly attractive man and woman sit awaiting you.

Maybe they are both prostitutes as well, Whisper says in your mind. You ignore him and walk up to the two.

“Hi, I’m Ms. Black, I’m interested to see if you have any job positions,” You say as well-mannered as you can.

“Depends, what positions can you do?” The woman says with a smirk. You almost choke on air.

“Uhh, what?” You simply reply.

“This is a nightclub sweetheart, we don’t have many waitress positions opens, plus guys still want to get in your bed” He says. This is not how you expected it to go. You nod and start walking out. You start going up the stairs when Whisper pops in your mind.

Don’t give up, go back and tell them, not ask

“Umm actually, are you sure there isn’t anything else opened?” You turn. Whisper is right, you can’t just give up. The two study you and take glances at each other as if they are speaking as you do with Whisper. The man then turns to you and smiles.

“I’ll open one up for you, how about… bartender?” He grins. You gladly except.

~~~

You put on one of the most revealing things you ever wore. A crop top and booty shorts. Both black. You don’t even recognize yourself in the mirror. You turn to see Whisper looks with the biggest and most humanly grin a cat has ever done. “I need the money… “You say to yourself. You pull out your phone and call an Uber.

When you get there, it is 8 pm. Your boss, whose name you found out was Lucifer is waiting for you. This time with a girl with blonde hair and doesn’t look like a hooker. A detective.

“Detective Decker wants to ask you some questions” Neither you or Whisper are happy about this. You follow the woman over to a table, incredibly self-conscience of how you look.

“Where were you Tuesday night, 5:00 am?” She says clearing her throat. Whisper seems very silent.

“Sleeping, I didn’t get up till 11:00 am that day, I stayed up till 3:00 am that night” You answer. What are you being accused of?

“Do you know a Tommy marshall?” She pulls out a picture of a man. It’s a boy maybe your age, 20’s. He has curly brown hair and blue eyes. You study him. You’ve never seen him before.

“No” You simply state.

“Were you ever involved in any ritualistic activities” By this time, Lucifer is right above her shoulder. You freeze, unsure of what to say.

Just tell the truth, Whisper says.

“Yes…. but I left that, my parents…. Were umm-- they liked that sort of thing,” You say, very uncomfortable. Lucifer’s curious eyes fall on you. This pecked his interest, he was just bored of it before.

Do you think they did it? Whisper says.

“Do you know who did it…. The poor boy… I- I hope you find who did this, I’ll help in any way I can” You say. Decker looks to Lucifer. She knows something else.

“Your DNA was found at the scene” You stare, shocked. You know who did this. The only thing that could is magic. Your parents. They could alter the scene using magic and replace any DNA. At least if you need to go on the run, it’s fairly easy. But you don’t exactly want to spend the time 100 years as a wolf.

“How?” You say, you can tell Lucifer sees right through you. This is the last thing you need. You have to keep cover. If a mortal finds out witches exist, not only your parents would be after you, but the whole council.

“You know how this goes, stay in the state” She says and starts walking away. You get up, standing while unsure of what to do with yourself.

“You know how your DNA was there don’t you?” His tone scares you. He thinks you killed that boy. You have no motive, but rituals can be just as fitting. You bite you tounge.

“I didn’t do it if that's what your thinking, it has to be my parents, at least my mom,” You say. Your dad, biological dad is a shifter, who also is dead. The dad now could care less for you.

“Why would she do this? Hm?” He says. His eyes have a slight shade of red. They would scare any mortal. But your not one. “What is it you desire?” He adds.

You hear a high pitched ring. You ignore it the best you can. You look at Lucifer who looks baffled upon imagination. He seems to try to get a closer look. “How are you not affected? What are you?”

“Human” He sees through that lie.

“My family are all witches, that’s how my DNA is there, they did a spell” You sigh. It’s your only choice. He would have killed you if you didn’t tell him. You still have to kill the hybrid part a secret. You're not supposed to exist, with your dad being a alpha shifter and all.

“A which? Now that's enticing! You have a familiar still I bet? That’s why you ran, I knew I recognized your last name!” He says spinning around in circles. Your family has a reputation. They don’t think you should depend on a familiar so they sacrifice them.

“And i’ll have to be on the run if my parents don’t get caught….” You say. Something sparkles in his eyes.

“Want to make a deal?” He smirks. The more and more you talk, the more you think he’s the actual devil. You shake your head, you don’t want to fall into this trap. Who knows what he might have you do and you don’t want to get into any more trouble, you also don’t think you should go with this job.

Get out of there, there is an angel on his way from the silver city who won’t take too kindly to you.

“I have to go” You start to rush up but he grabs your arm. You hear the flapping of wings and see a dark-skinned man behind Lucifer. He doesn’t look happy but Lucifer looks thrilled.

“Ahh brother” While he was distracted you took that chance and run. Lucifer turns and tries to go after you but you turn a corner and run down an alley where you turn into a rat, which is extremely painful. Turning into small animals hurt, or new ones, and when you turn to fast into an animal you haven’t been before. Luckily, he didn’t see you. And since your in a animal form, he probably thought you did some spell to disappear.

You hate being rodents. At least the ones like mice, rats, and moles. They feel so disgusting and you hate the instincts that come with them. So you turn into a hawk once Lucifer left.

You fly to your house but don’t go inside as there are police going in and out. They must have gotten a warrant. They aren’t going to find anything. At least you hope. You land somewhere on the ground far away and turn into a cat that looks like Whisper. You need to see whats going on. You walk out of the trees around you and greet an officer by rubbing against his pants. “Dan, leave the cat be” You see Decker come over. She picks you up and carries you into the house.

“Lucifer, I think this is the pet you were talking about her having” Crap, you try to scramble out, especially since you see the angel from before looking at you with daggers. You barely manage to move an inch.

“How did you know she had one?” Dan says, coming from behind. You whisper sorry and use your claws to get out but she still doesn’t let go. You don’t dare bite her though. You don’t want to end up in a lab.

“She told me about him, wonder if it has any evidence on it?” You glare at the two angels. You bite Decker and she lets you go in a fit of pain. You run but Lucifer’s angel friend picks you up. He has a much stronger grip. He also isn’t nice about it. Ohhh he is going to be having a bear after him someday.

“Should we crate it?” The dark angel says. You hiss and try to move. But his grip threatens to break your ribs. You're already going to be sore from all the shifting in the morning if you can escape then.

“It doesn’t look to have any evidence on it, but we can use it to bring her in if she’s as close to it as you said it was” Oh no. You really need to get away. You take the risk and bite the angel, which does nothing. You bite again, with more force and taste some blood. He drops you in shock, one that you actually share in the fact you made him bleed. You race into the woods and turn human and release Whisper. He knows what to do. He walks around some as you go off into the woods. You don’t think you can turn anymore, you could risk breaking some limbs.

~~~

The next morning once you get back you get a call. You are relieved. Witches get worried if their familiar isn’t around for a while and their magic can act up, that is if they are alive. “Yes?” You say, you don’t need to fake the worry.

“If you want your cat, we need you to come in, doesn’t look good that you disappeared yesterday” Decker was on the other side. You didn’t waste anytime. You took some ibuprofen, even though they barely work for your shifting pain. You race out the door and call an Uber. It comes in 10 min and takes 45 min to get to the LAPD.

You walk in and Lucifer walks you to the questioning room. The new captain, pierce is there along with Decker. They don’t look to happy. There seems to be something going on between them.

Decker is quick to start. She asks the same questions, gets the same response. Then Pierce comes in and asks the same, making sure I don’t change up my story. Since I didn’t, they are discussing my fate outside. I know if I’m desperate enough and they try to aresst me, I’ll turn into a fly or something right in front of them, and let me tell you, insects hurt a lot.

“Amenadiel walks to speak to her” I hear as the door opens. It’s Lucifer and the angel from before, who I now know is Amenadiel. They turn the camera off and walk over to you. Lucifer is carrying the crate Whisper is. He doesn’t look happy, you’d make it up to him by going on a hunt with him.

“Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you right here and right now” Amenadiel says.

“Cause it’s illegal and your surrounded by cops?” You say sitting back, crossing your arms. Your still a little afraid of him, but since he doesn’t seem to have silver on him you should be fine.

“You think I care? I can stop time” He says. Lucifer leans against the wall, wondering what you’ll do. You simply shrug.

“Can I have my cat back now?” You say with annoyance in your voice. It’s the best way to hide your fear. He already wants to kill you and you barely know each other.

“I didn’t know the Blacks had a daughter, we would of slaughtered you as soon as your were born!” He says. You chuckle, no one was supposed to know. If they did, everything would be after you.

“An angel would kill a baby?” You say as menacing as you can. Angels didn’t use to scare you. But when one nearly killed your mom, who always scares you, that changed. Of course you were kinda hoping the angel finished her off. You were hiding then so they couldn’t see you.

“No, I’d kill a witch,”He growls through his teeth. He turned to Lucifer who if he had popcorn, would be eating it. He looks so entertained. You hope Lucifer doesn’t hate your guts.

“Fare enough” You get up and take the crate from Lucifer who looks stunned. You open it up and a angry Whisper jumps out. You pick him up and walk out. Decker looks in and sees Amenadiel. She looks even less happy. She walks in past you and goes in, slamming the door. None of the cops gave you any trouble.

#lucifer #fox lucifer #lucifer x reader #lucifer morningstar x reader #dectective decker #dan #amenadiel

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ladykf-writes · 5 years

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Fanfic Writer Appreciation (and a little self love)

Sooooo, as talked about I wanted to do a little promo. I may not always be my favorite writer, but I try to be one of my cheerleaders. And well, if you’re here you obviously have some interest in what I’m up to.

SO! Here’s a list of my currently-published WIPs and some info about them, in the order that I’ve updated them, most recent to oldest.

Feel free to ask questions about any of them!

Dog Whistle (Ao3 || FFN) - started off as a prompt from @snackarey when I reblogged some Soulmate AUs. This one was a prompt for soulmates (Zack/Kunsel) who felt what each other felt - like pain. Needless to say, this went into a canon divergent AU where Kunsel felt some of what Zack was going through when Hojo got a hold of him after Nibelheim. And saved him, setting off an ever-increasing list of revolutionary consequences. It’s nearly 58K, and though I’m a little stuck I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes.

Dewprism: Journey to the [Relic] (Ao3 || FFN) - this actually has a lot more written than I’ve posted, I just got a little frustrated because well... the fandom is teeny tiny and there’s no real feedback. But! It’s an interesting piece. It’s a semi-novelization where I’m taking the old PS1 Classic from Squaresoft, Threads of Fate/Dewprism and merging the two storylines. Basically... you can’t play the game anymore unless you got it from the PSN for your PSP or... PS2, I think? Or emulate it, of course, you can do that. And I wanted to bring the experience to more people, because it’s got such a great story.

It’s Not a Game (Ao3 || FFN) - this is my Avengers/FF7 crossover, and funny story, it was actually born out of a comment back on my old Genesis RP blog about how Genesis would totally be Tony Stark’s favorite character if he played Crisis Core. It’s turned into a full blown fixit I have a type and I actually have like, 90% of the next chapter done, it just doesn’t feel quite right so I haven’t posted it. And am, of course, stuck. There’s a case of choice paralysis here; the premise is that, in the MCU, FF7 is a series like it is in our world, and Tony is a fan. So he goes to make a simulation to do a self-insert... only he somehow transports himself (and Bruce) to a dimension where it’s real. A “Stark-insert” someone called it; and it does use a lot of “Self-Insert” tropes, actually. There’s just so many ways it could go that I’m stuck on choosing exactly how to progress here.

Party of Five (Ao3 || FFN) - the MMO AU! This was actually originally a prompt @up-sideand-down got, that I got permission to take off with. It’s a modern AU AGSZC where they meet online playing this MMO I made up that’s based off of FF7 and modeled after a mashup of like, me studying WoW and my experiences playing SWTOR. I’ve actually got some ideas of where it’s going, I just got too caught up in technicalities and need to reroute it back to the relationships going on.

Welcome to FF7 (series link, Ao3) - this is me hashing out basically what I think went down pre-games. Most of it is headcanon, I cannot stress that enough. It’s based off of the little we know, of course, but there’s just so much we don’t that it’s mostly headcanon. Tons of OCs. It’s a whole series, and they overlap - different sections that follow different departments, mostly. The base story is Welcome to ShinRa (Ao3 || FFN) and that follows the man who will become President Shinra from back when they first discover mako energy. I’ve also got Welcome to the Science Department (Ao3 || FFN) which starts off with college students Gast and Grimoire and how they get drawn into the beginnings of what becomes ShinRa Electric.

And last but not least, honorable mention to Times of Change (Ao3) - this was actually a piece inspired by @deadcatwithaflamethrower‘s Re-Entry series. I desperately need to reread that before I can hope to continue this, but... one day. One day.... I don’t suggest reading it right now, my headcanons have changed and it needs an overhaul. But you’ll see eventually.

And now... the WIPs you haven’t seen. (Under a cut)

By fandom, just to keep things straight, but in no particular order otherwise.

Compilation of FF7

The Snowball Effect (Ao3 || FFN) ... sequel? continuation? - as one of the gift exchange presents I’ve just done this past month, it is definitely standalone as is, but if I ever figure out where I want to take it, I’ll continue that one. It was just far too much fun.

The Price of Freedom - the sequel to To Be Human, which... I’m looking forward to, but I really burnt myself out on TBH so it’s going to be longer than anticipated before I approach this one. TBH definitely stands on its own, but there were some loose ends left to tie up, so we’ll see how that goes. And when it goes, when I’m ready to approach that again. TBH needs some editing, too... lots of work there.

The Unnamed Pokemon/FF7 crossover that I’ve talked about for... a couple years now (yikes) but now actually have a plot for. It’s very interesting to me, putting Pokemon on Gaia, and seeing how that changes everything. Because like, they’d have presumably used Mew’s DNA since there’s no Jenova (I can’t see them using Deoxys, which would be the closer parallel) and since there’s no Chaos, Grimoire is still alive. Which means no extra Drama between Lucrecia and Vincent - and really, there shouldn’t be the stress between Vincent and Hojo over her being sick because Mew would theoretically be much more compatible with humans than Jenova was.

What I’m saying is Seph has three parents and at least one set of grandparents and a much more stable Sephiroth (and Genesis and Angeal, thanks to Lucrecia teaming up with Gillian) leads to some very interesting changes. Like deciding they don’t want to fight the Wutai war anymore. >_>

Hold My Flower - a timetravel fic featuring our one and only flowergirl, who has had enough of people messing up her planet and refuses to just... let it die. She is, unquestionably, a force of nature. No fragile flower to be found here, this is the gal you see in the OG who threatened a mob boss and meant it. Heaven help anyone who gets in her way. She’s going to save the world. Possibly in a Turk Suit, don’t look at me.

The Long Game - Reeve goes back in time, and holy crap this one is a monster I am truly intimidated by so it’s gonna take a while for me to get going on that. XD But basically, similar premise to the above - the world isn’t healing and someone has to do something, so Reeve is nominated due to his position in ShinRa and potential to... he’d say “influence” but let’s call a spade a spade - manipulate people and events to a more favorable outcome.

A third BIT fic is one that I started writing with my friend @askshivanulegacy back in... damn, somewhere between 2011-2013, before we switched to writing SWTOR fic together. It’s one where Zack is sent back in time, and the differences in him post-Hojo change things even before he can start deliberately changing anything. But I got permission to take and remake that, so I intend to, one day. It was Good Stuff. And you can never have too much timetravel.

Dragon Ball Z

So, this is an oooooold fandom of mine - the first fanfics I ever wrote (under a different name, no I’m not telling XD it was ten years ago) were for DBZ, and definitely the first ones I ever read, back in the days of dial up. And I read a couple interesting takes on Chichi/Vegeta fic... and I was talking with @vorpalgirl about it and said I’d love to try my hand at something with that one day. I think they have the potential to be a really great pair (don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the canon pairings but those two have a lot of potential) so... yeah someday I might dip my toes back into Z. It’s on the wishlist, as well as reviving and cleaning up an old unfinished work of mine. Someday~

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Seven Years Lost - this one I’ve been debating a long time, and even did a little on! It’s basically how I rationalize what happens when Link pulls the Master Sword out and - well, spoilers but it’s a really old game so - when he comes out as a teenager and is immediately able to handle a nearly-adult body. It involves a dreamscape scenario where he communicates with his past incarnations and learns from them, and from sharing dreams with Zelda due to their bond.

Sailor Moon (manga/Crystal based)

Second Chances - I read a lot of SM fanfic back in the day, and my favorite ones were... more real? Like, there were more consequences to these 14 year old kids out there fighting for their lives and sometimes losing them. I’d like to tell a story through Minako/Venus’ eyes primarily, covering what that’s like, and then I also just really want a happy ending for the senshi/shittenou? So... yay canon divergence, lol. You guys know the deal by now. XD

Star Wars: Legends Era

United We Stand - SWTOR fanfic, baby! Basically, I’m just dying to see the eight classes cross over each other, and I will bend canon to do it. For anyone that’s played the original class story lines, there is some cross over but believe me when I say there were huge opportunities that were let drop by nature of the game. Just with the two Jedi stories alone... but that’s #spoilers for a not-as-old game so I’ll leave that be and only elaborate if asked.

(And do feel free to ask about any of these! I’d love to hash them out more.)

#writer ramble #rambles #ff7 #avengers #ff7/avengers #threads of fate #dewprism #star wars #pokemon #pokemon/ff7 #dbz #sailor moon #swtor

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grimmseye · 5 years

Text

A Little Evil — Chapter Two

Read on Ao3

How Venomous gets his favorite minion.

Chapter Warnings: Violence (specifically against a child. Many people get hurt in this chapter). Negative Zones are run by villains and don’t have good moral standards.

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The Meeting

He is six months into his quest to engineer the perfect minion.

Six months is a longer struggle than he’s faced in a long, long while. Ordinarily a challenge would be exhilarating, something to finally pour some passion into. He craves anything that would occupy his mind, but for once the challenge is unwelcome. Venomous has made no progress.

Rats, cats, birds, lizards, snakes, plants, a few dozen other bases, all have amounted to a waste of time and resources. He’d even taken humanoid embryos to treat, but none of them survived a few days out of their tanks. They didn’t exhibit the necessary sophistication and were duly discarded, or their organs began to shut down, their cognitive functioning regressed. Nothing was working.

Venomous, apparently, still lacks the ability to create life with just his own hands. The moment he starts toying with strands of DNA, programming nonlethal viruses to rewrite the genetic codes in every last cell, something goes horribly wrong.

He’s probably going to end up disposing of yet another half-grown creature tomorrow. Somehow, the thing’s cells managed to induce the virus’ lytic cycle, and its cardiac cells are rapidly lysing at this moment. Another failure amid all of its predecessors, and this marks a brand new problem for him to decipher.

It isn’t working. He’s hit a roadblock. Can’t make his powers stronger, can’t bring them back, can’t even build his own minion from scratch. All his failures have compounded to him having no powers and no strength and no friends and no name and no no no fucking nothing —

Venomous snarls to himself, grimacing down at the sidewalk. He’s tired of venturing into these negative zones. The next villain to try to jump him is going to be on the receiving end of his newest creation — the result of octopus tentacles treated with special steroids and given an independent neural network. Given the right stimulation, they grab, crush, and tear whatever is in their grasp — the more struggling and screaming, the more aggression behind each move.

The thought makes him smile and give a soft laugh. That would be fun. He hopes someone might try it now. He just needs to determine how to clearly exude both weak and wealthy to lure someone —

The thought is interrupted by a sudden scream of pain. It’s a common sound here, and Venomous doesn’t so much as bat an eye while continuing down the block. What does catch his attention, though, is the cacophany that follows — shouts, angry, “Get that fucking brat!”

A kid? His eyebrows rise. Venomous veers towards the noise instead of away, telling himself it’s idle curiosity. Maybe something opportunistic rearing its head, yes, that’s it. He can always use more humanoid blood samples. An impromptu spinal tap may be in order as well.

He saunters around the perimeter of a large building — some kind of laboratory, though its exact field isn’t clear from the outside. There’s an undignified yelp, a man screaming “ I can’t fucking see!” in a way that suggests he may have just lost an eye. Venomous feels a smile creep over his mouth and kicks up the pace, very much wanting to see the carnage now.

There’s a high-pitched, furious shriek that splits the air, all senseless noise. It nearly drowns out the bellow of “I’m gonna break your fucking neck!”

The screaming is suddenly choked off. Venomous rounds the corner.

Out here is what seems to be a collection of guards wrangling a small child. A shock of white fur and washed-out pink hair is flailing in one’s grasp, a hand closed around her neck. Squeeze too tight, and those tiny vertebrae would crack.

Now, Venomous is probably certifiably evil at this point, may even show up on a POW card of his own soon, but he’s not a monster. Kids can be put down, knocked aside, those rookie heroes need to be driven back from the scene before they get any significant power. But he’s never had patience for those who go too far. World domination sounds lovely, but there is a line.

Venomous pulls a ball out of his pocket and a bottle of water, dousing the dark-green orb. When he feels its smooth exterior start to squirm, undulating in his grip, he gives it an underhand toss. It sails over the heads of these goons in a smooth arc, bouncing twice on the concrete before erupting into a mass of tendrils.

Shrieks ring out. Venomous strolls forward, lifting his palm to his mouth to sink his sharpened teeth into the meat of it. Blood bursts around his fangs and pools over his skin. Most of the goons are lucky enough to tear themselves away with little more than some bruises, maybe a sprained ankle or a dislocated arm as the tentacles try to seize their prey. Two get caught in the thick of it, a series of cracks sounding amid their wails of pain as their legs are engulfed and constricted.

He’s not necessarily a sadist, but he can appreciate someone getting their just desserts. Attempting to murder a child — that’s far beyond villainy.

And speaking of the child. She drops, not even enough breath to scream. Venomous breaks into a jog before his creation can seize a new thing to break, casting his wounded hand out in front of himself. The taste of his blood has the tendrils calming and parting for him, letting him pick his way through without complaint so he can scoop the creature up out of harm’s way.

She’s tiny. Fits into the crook of his arm, her white fur stained bright red around his mouth and paws. Her breath comes shallow and quick, face pinched in abject terror. As Venomous extracts himself from the tendrils, leaving them to finish off their prey, red eyes snap open. Albino, then.

She squeaks, and then bares her teeth. Before she can try to bite, Venomous pushes her head down, fingers safely tucked away from her mouth. “None of that,” he scolds. “I just saved you, you shouldn’t be so rude.”

“Down!” She screams — or tries to. Her voice is cracked, and the sound makes her gasp and cough. A frown pulls at Venomous’ mouth.

“Shhhh,” he soothes, kneeling down. The last of the screams have been smothered at last, leaving them in blessed quiet. Those out on the street are likely and rightfully minding their own business. “You’re bruised at a minimum, don’t strain anything. That was very impressive though, kid. A bunch of tough grown-ups, and you send them screaming.”

Even in her exhausted, terrified, angry state, that gets a smile cracking briefly over her mouth. Venomous chuckles at her weary glee. He sets the child down in front of himself, remaining on his knees. He supposes this is it, then. His heroics for the day are over — he has places to be.

The child rubs her throat with a paw, wincing. “Why’d you do that?” she croaks. Her eyes narrow, mouth stretching into a sneer. “You a hero?”

Venomous gives a faint shrug. “Nah, not a hero. But those guys were just…” He pondered the right explanation. “... the kind of people I really wanted to see suffer.”

Her eyes go wide. Not fear, as he might have expected. They’re shining.

It’s a look he hasn’t faced since the death of Laserblast. Something curls in his chest, not a bad thing.

He tamps it down, clearing his throat and getting to his feet. “Well,” he says, awkward. “... Bye.”

Venomous turns to head back onto the main drag, hands sliding into his pockets. He needs to pick up a new shipment of illicit materials if he doesn’t want his next commission to be late. Someday he’ll figure out how to get shipments into the neutral zone, but until then it’s regular flights here and doing the smuggling himself.

He’s two blocks down when he realizes he’s being followed. There’s a soft, “Watch it, brat,” that catches his ear. Venomous halts, head swinging, just in time to catch the little rat child ducking behind a newspaper dispenser.

Oh hell no.

A frown twists his mouth as he picks up the pace, crossing another street (no actual signals, just firing a laser gun into the road until the vehicles stop trying to hit pedestrians). He turns his head. There she is, pretending to study a sign. Another block down. Turn. She ducks into an alleyway.

Venomous grimaces. He could just ignore her. She could follow him all she wants, eventually he’ll just get on a plane and she’ll be out of his hair.

Something has him pacing back towards her. He comes to the break between buildings, finding the alley she’d ducked into. There’s a dumpster back here, open — and a frizz of matted pink hair peeking over the rim.

It twitches as he comes closer. “What are you doing,” he drags out, watching the fluff jump before her head pokes up.

“Nothin’,” she rasps, glaring as though to dare him to argue. She clutches a tattered-looking doll in her arms. Doll is generous. It seems to be scrapped together from garbage.

“Following me, you mean,” Venomous corrects.

“Nuh-uh,” she shakes her head, or tries to before even that little movement makes her wince. She glares at him. Venomous stares back. He raises an eyebrow, their gazes locked for several moments before she cracks. Stubborn. Brave.

“Fine!” She spits. “I wanna see you — you’re strong! I wanna be strong. Then no one’ll mess with —” She gasps and breaks into a coughing fit. It looks agonizing, her paw clutching her throat and her eyes brimming with tears when she’s finally able to wrangle it into control.

She’s got spirit. She’s a fierce little beast. She’s smart enough to speak coherently when he’s certain she’s had no formal education. She follows him for the purpose of observation, learning.

Venomous gets an idea.

“... Okay,” he says, already feeling like he’s going to regret this. “Tell you what, kid. I’ve been needing a minion.”

Her eyes narrow, but she inclines her head for him to continue. He smiles as he says, “You want to learn how to be like me? Come with me. I’ll teach you everything you want to learn. How to read, write,” she makes a face and he changes his tune, “and just how hard a big man can fall.”

Something shifts in her hair. He wonders if she has ears to match her whiskers and tail. There’s that glimmer in her eyes, but it hardens again, glowering at him. Distrust. Clever, too. “What d’you get outta it?”

“A minion,” Venomous says, and shrugs. “Someone to help in the lab. And look at me,” he gestures to his skinny frame. “If a big guy grabs me, and I can’t reach my weapons? I need someone to save me.”

And that’s what seems to do it. The mistrust melts out of her face. She’s just a little kid, after all. She’s exhausted, hurt, scared. Venomous offers a hand, even if his skin crawls looking at the garbage she’s perching in. “So — what do you say, kid?”

She stares at his hand, at his face. A smile cracks across her mouth. Her eyes are glossy, and he does not know what to do if she cries. But her paw clasps his hand and she beams, voice hoarse and shaking as she says, “You’ve got a deal, boss.”

#professor venomous #fink #ok ko #my writing

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achronologyofbits · 4 years

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GOTY 2019

I wanted to write a personal Game of the Year list, but I realized I really didn’t play that many games that were new in 2019. So I’m ranking them, but it’s less a “top 10” and more a “10 games I played and how I felt about them.”

10. Kingdom Hearts III

Kingdom Hearts III plays like a game from 2005.

I’m not sure I can fully articulate what I mean by that. Maybe I mean its combat is largely simplistic and button-mashy. Maybe I mean its rhythms of level traversal and cutscene exposition dumps are archaic and outdated. Maybe feeling like this game is a relic from another time is unavoidable, given how many years have passed since its first series entry.

But there’s also something joyful and celebratory about it all — something kind of refreshing about a work that knows only a tiny portion of its players will understand all its references and lore and world-building, and just doesn’t care.

Despite all the mockery and memery surrounding its fiction, Kingdom Hearts’ strongest storytelling moments are actually pretty simple. They’re about the struggle to exist, to belong, and to define what those things mean for yourself. I think that’s why the series reaches the people it does.

Those moments make Kingdom Hearts III worth defending, if not worth recommending.

9. Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice

Admittedly, I only played about 10-15 hours of this in 2019. Perhaps fittingly, that’s about the amount of time I originally spent on Dark Souls when it released in 2011. I bounced off, hard, because I didn’t understand what it was asking of me. Once I did — though, it has to be said, I needed other people to explain those expectations to me, because the game sure as hell didn’t — Dark Souls became an all-time favorite. And I’ve played every FromSoft game since then, and enjoyed them all. Until Sekiro.

Part of it is, again, down to expectation. Dark Souls trained its players on a certain style of combat: cautious movements, careful attention to spacing, committing to weighty attacks, waiting for counterattacks. In every game since then, FromSoft have iterated on those expectations in the same direction in an attempt to encourage players to be less cautious and more aggressive. The series moved from tank-heavy play in Dark Souls, to dual-wielding in DS2, to weapon arts and reworking poise in DS3, to the system of regaining health by attacking in Bloodborne.

In some ways, Sekiro is a natural continuation of this trend toward aggression, but in others, it’s a complete U-turn. Bloodborne eschewed blocking and prioritized dodging as the quickest, most effective defensive option. Sekiro does exactly the opposite. Blocking is always your first choice, parrying is essential instead of largely optional, and dodging is near useless except in special cases. FromSoft spent five games teaching me my habits, and it was just too hard for me to break them for Sekiro.

I have other issues, too — health/damage upgrades are gated behind boss fights, so grinding is pointless; the setting and story lack some of the creativity of the game’s predecessors; there’s no variety of builds or playstyles — but the FromSoft magic is still there, too. Nothing can match the feeling of beating a Souls-series boss. And the addition of a grappling hook makes the verticality of Sekiro’s level design fascinating.

I dunno. I feel like there’s more here I’d enjoy, if I ever manage to push through the barriers. Maybe — as I finally did with the first Dark Souls, over a year after its release — someday I will.

8. Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order

In December, my wife and I traveled to Newport Beach for a family wedding, and we stayed an extra day to visit Disneyland. As an early birthday present, Aubrey bought me the experience of building a lightsaber in Galaxy’s Edge. And the experience is definitely what you’re paying for; the lightsaber itself is cool, but it’s cool because it’s made from parts I selected, with a blade color I chose, and I got to riff and banter with in-character park employees while doing it. (“Can you actually read those?” one asked me in an awed voice, when I selected a lightsaber hilt portion adorned with ancient Jedi runes. “Not yet,” I told her. “We’ll see if the Force can teach me.”)

Maybe it’s because I just had that experience, but by far my favorite moment in Jedi: Fallen Order is when main character Cal Kestis overcomes his own fears and memories to forge his own lightsaber, using a kyber crystal that calls to him personally. It’s maybe the only part of the game that made me feel like a Jedi, in a way the hours of Souls-inspired lightsaber slashing didn’t.

I think that’s telling. And I think it’s because so much of Fallen Order is derivative of other works, both in the current canon of gaming and of Star Wars. That’s not to say it’s bad — the mélange of Uncharted/Tomb Raider traversal, combat that evokes Souls and God of War, and vaguely Metroid-y power acquisition and exploration mostly works — but it’s just a titch less than the sum of those parts.

Similarly, as a Star Wars story, it feels under-baked. There’s potential in exploring the period immediately after Order 66 and the Jedi purge, but you only see glimpses of that. And I understand the difficulty of telling a story where the characters succeed but in a way that doesn’t affect established canon, but it still seemed like there were a couple of missed opportunities at touching base with the larger Star Wars universe. (And the one big reference that does pop up at the end feels forced and unrealistic.)

When I got home from California, I took my lightsaber apart just to see how it all worked. Outside of the hushed tones and glowing lights of Savi’s Workshop, it seems a little less special. It’s still really cool…but I sort of wish I had had a wider variety of parts to choose from. And that I had bought some of the other crystal colors. Just in case.

That’s how I feel about Jedi: Fallen Order. I had fun with it. But it’s easier now to see the parts for what they are.

7. Untitled Goose Game

Aubrey and I first saw this game at PAX, at a booth which charmingly recreated the garden of the game’s first level. We were instantly smitten, and as I’ve introduced it to family and friends, they’ve all had the same reaction. When we visited my brother’s family in Florida over the holidays, my eight-year-old niece and nephew peppered me with questions about some of the more complex puzzles. Even my father, whose gaming experience basically topped out at NES Open Tournament Golf in 1991, gave it a shot.

I’m not sure I have a lot more to say here, other than a few bullet points:

1) I love that Untitled Goose Game is completely nonviolent. It would’ve been easy to add a “peck” option as another gameplay verb, another means of mischief. (And, from what I understand, it would be entirely appropriate, given the aggression of actual geese.) That the developers resisted this is refreshing.

2) I’m glad a game this size can have such a wide reach, and that it doesn’t have to be a platform exclusive.

3) Honk.

6. Tetris 99

Despite the number of hours I’ve spent playing games, and the variety of genres that time has spanned, I’m not much for competitive gaming. This is partially because the competitive aspect of my personality has waned with age, and partially because I am extremely bad at most multiplayer games.

The one exception to this is Tetris.

I am a Tetris GOD.

Of course, that’s an incredible overstatement. Now that I’ve seen real Ecstasy of Order, Grandmaster-level Tetris players, I realize how mediocre I am. But in my real, actual life, I have never found anyone near my skill level. In high school, I would bring two Game Boys, two copies of Tetris, and a link cable on long bus rides to marching band competitions, hoping to find willing challengers. The Game Boys themselves became very popular. Playing me did not.

Prior to Tetris 99, the only version of the game that gave me any shred of humility in a competitive sense was Tetris DS, where Japanese players I found online routinely handed me my ass. I held my own, too, but that was the first time in my life when I wasn’t light-years beyond any opponent.

As time passed and internet gaming and culture became more accessible, I soon realized I was nowhere near the true best Tetris players in the world. Which was okay by me. I’m happy to be a big fish in a small pond, in pretty much all aspects of my life.

Tetris 99 has given me a perfectly sized pond. I feel like I’m a favorite to win every round I play, and I usually finish in the top 10 or higher. But it’s also always a challenge, because there’s just enough metagame to navigate. Have I targeted the right enemies? Do I have enough badges to make my Tetrises hit harder? Can I stay below the radar for long enough? These aspects go beyond and combine with the fundamental piece-dropping in a way I absolutely love.

The one thing I haven’t done yet is win an Invictus match (a mode reserved only for those who have won a standard 99-player match). But it’s only a matter of time.

5. Pokemon Sword/Shield

I don’t think I’ve played a Pokemon game through to completion since the originals. I always buy them, but I always seem to lose steam halfway through. But I finished Shield over the holidays, and I had a blast doing it.

Because I’m a mostly casual Pokeplayer, the decision to not include every ‘mon in series history didn’t bother me at all. I really enjoyed learning about new Pokemon and forcing myself to try moving away from my usual standards. (Although I did still use a Gyarados in my final team.)

As a fan of English soccer, the stadium-centric, British-flavored setting also contributed to my desire to see the game through. Changing into my uniform and walking onto a huge, grassy pitch, with tens of thousands of cheering fans looking on, really did give me a different feeling than battles in past games, which always seemed to be in weird, isolated settings.

I’m not sure I’ll push too far into the postgame; I’ve never felt the need to catch ‘em all. But I had a great time with the ones I caught.

4. The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

I have a strange relationship with the Zelda series, especially now. They are my wife’s favorite games of all time. But I don’t know if I’ve ever actually sat down and beaten one since the original Link’s Awakening. Even with Breath of the Wild, which I adore, I was content to watch Aubrey do the heavy lifting. I know the series well, I’ve played bits of all of them, but most haven’t stuck with me.

Link’s Awakening has. I wrote a piece once about its existential storytelling and how it affected me as a child. I love the way the graphics in this remake preserve that dreamlike quality. It’s pretty much a re-skin of the original game, but the cutesy, toy-set aesthetic pairs well with the heavy material. If this is all a dream, whose dream is it? And when we wake up, what happens to it?

Truthfully, some of the puzzles and design decisions haven’t held up super well. Despite the fresh coat of paint, it definitely feels like a 25-year-old game. But I’m so glad this version exists.

Oh, and that solo clarinet in the Mabe Village theme? *Chef’s kiss*

3. Control

I actually haven’t seen a lot of the influences Control wears on its sleeve. I’ve never gone completely through all the episodes of the X-Files, Fringe, and Twin Peaks; I’m only vaguely familiar with the series of “creepypasta” fiction called SCP Foundation; and I have never endeavored to sit through a broadcast of Coast to Coast AM. I’m also unfamiliar with Remedy’s best-known work in the genre, Alan Wake. But I know enough about all those works to be able to identify their inspiration on the Federal Bureau of Control, Jesse Faden, and the Oldest House.

Control is an interesting game to recommend (which I do), because I’m not sure how much I really enjoyed its combat. For most of the game, it’s a pretty standard third-person shooter. You can’t snap to cover, which indicates you’re intended to stay on the move. This becomes even more obvious when you gain the ability to air dash and fly. But you do need to use cover, because Jesse doesn’t have much health even at the end of the game. So combat encounters can get out of hand quickly, and there’s little incentive to keep fighting enemies in the late game. Yet they respawn at a frustratingly frequent rate. The game’s checkpointing system compounds this — you only respawn at “control points,” which act like Souls-style bonfires. This leads to some unfortunately tedious runbacks after boss fights.

On the other hand, Jesse’s telekinesis power always feels fantastic, and varying your attacks between gunshots, thrown objects, melee, and mind controlling enemies can be frenetic fun. That all comes to a head in the game’s combat (and perhaps aesthetic?) high point, the Ashtray Maze. To say more would be doing a disservice. It’s awesome.

The rest of the gameplay is awesome, too — and I do call it “gameplay,” though unfortunately you don’t have many options for affecting the world beyond violence. The act of exploring the Oldest House and scouring it for bureaucratic case files, audio recordings, and those unbelievably creepy “Threshold Kids” videos is pure joy. The way the case files are redacted leaves just enough to the imagination, and the idea of a federal facility being built on top of and absorbed into a sort of nexus of interdimensional weirdness is perfectly executed. And what’s up with that motel? And the alien, all-seeing, vaguely sinister Board? So cool.

With such great worldbuilding, I did wish for a little more player agency. There are no real dialogue choices — no way to imbue Jesse with any character traits beyond what’s pre-written for her — and only one ending. This kind of unchecked weird science is the perfect environment for forcing the player into difficult decisions (what do we study? How far is too far? How do we keep it all secret?), and that just isn’t part of the game at all. Which is fine — Control isn’t quite an immersive sim like Prey, and it’s not trying to be. I just see some similarities and potential, and I wish they had been explored a little.

But Control’s still a fantastic experience, and in any other year, it probably would’ve been my number one pick. That’s how good these next two games are.

2. Outer Wilds

Honestly, this is the best game of 2019. But I’m not listing it as number one because I didn’t play most of it — Aubrey did. Usually we play everything together; even if we’re not passing a controller back and forth, one of us will watch while the other one plays. And that definitely happened for a large chunk of Outer Wilds. But Aubrey did make some key discoveries while I was otherwise occupied, so while I think it’s probably the best game, it’s not the one I personally spent the most time with.

The time I did spend, though? Wow. From the moment you wake up at the campfire and set off in search of your spaceship launch codes, it’s clear that this is a game that revels in discovery. Discovery for its own sake, for the furthering of knowledge, for the protection of others, for the sheer fun of it. Some games actively discourage players from asking the question, “Hey, what’s that over there?” Outer Wilds begs you to ask it, and then rewards you not with treasure or statistical growth, but with the opportunity to ask again, about something even more wondrous and significant.

There are so many memorable moments of discovery in this game. The discovery that, hey, does that sun look redder to you than it used to? The discovery that, whoa, why did I wake up where I started after seemingly dying in space? Your first trip through a black hole. Your first trip to the quantum moon. Your first trip to the weird, bigger-on-the-inside fog-filled heart of a certain dark, brambly place. (Aubrey won’t forget that any time soon.)

They take effort, those moments. They do have to be earned, and it isn’t easy. Your spaceship flies like it looks: sketchy, taped together, powered by ingenuity and, like, marshmallows, probably. Some of the leaps you have to make — both of intuition and of jetpack — are a little too far. (We weren’t too proud to look up a couple hints when we were truly stuck.) But in the tradition of the best adventure games (which is what this is, at heart), you have everything you need right from the beginning. All you have to do is gather the knowledge to understand it and put it into action.

And beyond those moments of logical and graphical discovery, there’s real emotion and pathos, too. As you explore the remnants of the lost civilization that preceded yours, your only method of communication is reading their writing. And as you do, you start to get a picture of them not just as individuals (who fight, flirt, and work together to help each other), but as a species whose boundless thirst for discovery was their greatest asset, highest priority, undoing, and salvation, all at once.

I don’t think I can say much more without delving into spoilers, or retreading ground others have covered. (Go read Austin Walker’s beautiful and insightful review for more.) It’s an incredible game, and one everyone with even a passing interest in the medium should try.

(Last thing: Yes, I manually flew to the Sun Station and got inside. No, I don’t recommend it.)

1. Fire Emblem: Three Houses

If I hadn’t just started a replay of this game, I don’t think I’d be listing it in the number one slot. I started a replay because I showed it to my brother when we visited him in Florida last month, and immediately, all the old feelings came flooding back. I needed another hit.

No game this year has been as compelling for me. That’s an overused word in entertainment criticism, but I mean it literally: There have been nights where I absolutely HAVE to keep playing (much to Aubrey’s dismay). One more week of in-game time. One more study session to raise a skill rank. One more meal together so I can recruit another student. One more battle. Just a little longer.

I’m not sure I can put my finger on the source of that compulsion. Part of it is the excellence of craftsmanship on display; if any technical or creative aspect of Three Houses was less polished than it is, I probably wouldn’t feel so drawn to it. But the two big answers, I think, are the characters and their growth, both mechanically and narratively.

At the start of the game, you pick one of the titular three houses to oversee as professor. While this choice defines who you’ll have in your starting party, that can be mitigated later, as almost every other student from the other two houses can be recruited to join yours. What you’re really choosing is which perspective you’ll see the events of the story from, and through whose eyes: Edelgard of the Black Eagles, Dimitri of the Blue Lions, or Claude of the Golden Deer. (This is also why the game almost demands at least three playthroughs.)

These three narratives are deftly written so you simultaneously feel like you made the only possible canonical choice, while also sowing questions into your decision-making. Edelgard’s furious desire for change is just but perhaps not justifiable; Dimitri hides an obsession with revenge behind a façade of noblesse oblige; Claude is more conniving and pragmatic than he lets on. No matter who you side with, you’ll eventually have to face the others. And everyone can make a case that they, not you, are on the right side.

This is especially effective because almost every character in Three Houses is dealing with a legacy of war and violence. A big theme of the game’s story is how those experiences inform and influence the actions of the victims. What steps are justified to counteract such suffering? How do you break the cycle if you can’t break the power structures that perpetuate it? How do good people end up fighting for bad causes?

While you and your child soldiers (yeah, you do kind of have to just skip over that part; they’re in their late teens, at least? Still not good enough, but could be worse?) are grappling with these questions, they’re also growing in combat strength, at your direction. This is the part that really grabbed me and my lizard brain — watching those numbers get bigger was unbelievably gratifying. Each character class has certain skill requirement prerequisites, and as professor, you get to define how your students meet those requirements, and which they focus on. Each student has certain innate skills, but they also have hidden interests that only come to the surface with guidance. A character who seems a shoo-in to serve as a white mage might secretly make an incredibly effective knight; someone who seems destined for a life as a swordsman suddenly shows a talent for black magic. You can lean into their predilections, or go against them, with almost equal efficacy.

For me, this was the best part of Three Houses, and the part that kept me up long after my wife had gone to bed. Planning a student’s final battle role takes far-seeing planning and preparation, and each step along the way felt thrilling. How can you not forge a connection with characters you’ve taken such pains to help along the way? How can you not explode with joy when they reach their goals?

That’s the real draw of Fire Emblem: Three Houses, I think: the joy of seeing people you care about grow, while simultaneously confronting those you once cared about, but who followed another path. No wonder I wanted to start another playthrough. I think I’ll be starting them all over again for a long time.

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pennywaltzy · 5 years

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Alternate Beginnings, Alternate Endings, Alternate Universes (3/5 - An “Adventures In Unexpected Places” Story)

we’re winding down on kid!Amy and kid!Rory for a bit, but they’ll come back in flashbacks in other fics, I swear! But here’s another old chapter of @fadeddreaming‘s crossover story…

Alternate Beginnings, Alternate Endings, Alternate Universes - After being sent to the worst school in the whole of England, Amy meets up with the man whose fault it is that she’s there, and things go vastly more differently than anyone expected.

Valentine’s Day went well. The girls at school had had a blow-out party while Amy and Rory went to New York City to sightsee with the Doctor. It wasn’t as though he was really chaperoning them, but was there with his sonic if they needed it. They went to a museum of art and then a concert of Amy’s favorite band. Rory didn’t set foot on the school grounds at all, and the next day she acted as though everything was normal and not that she’d had the best first date ever.

But her life went back to normal. Mels had found the person the Doctor suggested, and they were hatching up all sorts of schemes, and Amy watched on with amusement. It was clear that Mels really was a criminal mastermind, and while it was nice to see her excel Amy also hoped she knew when to get out before it was too late.

Winter ended and spring arrived, and soon it was time for Easter break. Rory’s parents had accepted that their son was in a long distance relationship with Amelia and invited her to stay with them, and Mels had gotten her parents to offer the same, but Aunt Sharon had finally decided that maybe she should see how her niece was, so she was going home for the break.

Home…it seemed strange to her, but now St. Trinian’s was home, and the only thing Leadworth had to offer was Rory. It would be very strange to be back for two weeks, but the Doctor had promised he would try and visit, make things a bit lively, and she knew she could trust him to do just that. As she set her duffel bag on the floor of her old room she looked around. Aunt Sharon had come in to dust, but everything had been left more or less as she had left it. It saddened her a bit, to think that her aunt missed her so little that she hadn’t spent time among her old things.

Their first dinner together was awkward. There was so much going on that Amy simply couldn’t tell her about, like the trips with the Doctor or Mels zany schemes or the times she actually got to see her boyfriend out of the blue. So she stuck to the simple stuff, and Aunt Sharon tried to fill in the gaps with what had been going on since she had left. It was with relief that Amy went outside to the old swing set that was still standing back there, and sat down on the swing.

It was times like today she wondered what had happened to her parents. She had bare memories of them, but nothing concrete. She remembered her mum was thin, and her dad was on the fat side. She remembered hazy smiles, but that was it. There were no pictures of them around the house, and when asked her Aunt Sharon always changed the subject, as if she didn’t want to talk about them, and didn’t want her talking about them, either. Would her parents have sent her to St. Trinian’s? Would they have just believed her about what she knew now was the truth, that he was real and that she could travel through time and space when she was with them? Or would it be exactly the same as it was now?

The familiar vworp-vworp-vworp of the TARDIS materializing got her attention, shaking off the melancholy thoughts. Sometimes, she swore, she just had to think and her Doctor would make himself known. The doors swung open and she jumped off the seat and ran in, throwing her arms around the surprised man’s chest. “It’s only been three weeks, Pond,” he replied, still giving her a hug.

“It’s like you just know when I need you,” she said, letting go.

“But haven’t you figured out yet that I do?” he said, grinning at her. She grinned back, and he clapped his hands together. “So! What do you want to do today?”

“I want to see my mum and dad,” she replied.

He frowned. “I’m afraid that’s not possible, Amelia.”

“Why not? We can go in the past, right?” She walked over to the console. “Shouldn’t be hard.”

“Amelia,” he said quietly. “I have looked. God knows, I have looked. And I simply can’t find them. They’ve never existed.”

“Then how am I here?” she asked, confused.

“I don’t know, but I have a theory.” He looked at her, then moved her towards the chair near the console. She sat down and looked up at him. “The crack in your wall…I’ve seen others like it, all over the universe. I watched someone touch it, then disappear in a bright light, and then no one remembered him. There was no record of him. I think, perhaps, that your parents…the same thing may have happened to them.”

The crack. It still gave her nightmares, even now that it was sealed. And to think that it swallowed up her parents… “I don’t understand,” she said.

“I don’t either, not entirely, but I’m doing everything I can to figure it out. I promise, if I can bring your parents back I will.” He knelt down in front of her and grasped her hands in his, squeezing. She looked him full on in the face, knowing he was being earnest and truthful. But…she liked her life as it was now. How drastically would it all change if her parents were back? Would she still have Mels as a friend? Rory as a boyfriend? Would she still go to St. Trinian’s? Most of all, would she still have met the Doctor and had the wonderful, brilliant maddening adventures she’d had with them.

“I don’t want things to change,” she said, shaking her head.

“But if it would fix things, it’s what I should do,” he said.

She pulled her hands away and stood up. “No. I like this life. I have a home, I have friends, I feel like I belong somewhere. If you bring them back, what happens then? Do I lose all this? Does it never take place, and I’m different? I don’t want to be different.”

“But maybe it will be better,” he replied.

“And maybe it won’t!” she said. She could feel tears slipping down her cheeks. He didn’t care if it hurt her, he was going to do it anyway. He was her friend, and he was going to hurt her. “Maybe everything will be horrible! Maybe Mels will never come to Leaadworth and Rory won’t like me and I’ll never meet you and I’ll be boring and ordinary and I won’t…I won’t…” She couldn’t get anymore out.

He came up to her and wrapped his arms around her. She pounded at his chest slightly, but he didn’t let go. “I can’t imagine to know how you feel, Amelia,” he said quietly. “But if this is a mistake, if this is something I can fix, then I must fix it.”

She stopped fighting and instead cried, her face buried in his shirt until there were no more tears left. She pulled away, wiping her still moist eyes with the back of her hand. She looked at him closely, and knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was going to do this. She had no say in it. She turned around so she wouldn’t have to look at him. “Please don’t come back for me.”

“Amelia…” he said quietly.

“If it all changes, don’t come into my life, okay? Just leave me be.” She started walking to the door. Her life was going to change. Someday, she was going to wake up and it would be different. And she had the gut feeling only she would remember. And she would be looked at as the weird little girl in Leadworth who talked of things no one else could understand all over again.

“I’ve seen your future. Your correct future,” he called out as she had her hand on the handle. “Do you want to know what happens? I hadn’t planned on telling you. I perhaps would have, later, when you were older.”

She lowered her hand and turned around. “Tell me.”

“I show up again when you’re nineteen, not twelve. We save the world from Prisoner Zero, and then I disappear again for two years. I come back the night before you marry Rory, and you run away with me. Then you try and kiss me, and it’s a mess, so I go pick up Rory, and…he dies. But he comes back, and then you die, and then we seal you up and wait nearly two thousand years for you to wake up. But the universe stopped existing, and an exploding TARDIS is the only thing warming the Earth. But then I fix things, and disappear, but you bring me back. But you also bring back your parents, and you seem happy when I drop in on your and Rory’s wedding.”

She stumbles a bit at the weight of the information. That’s what’s supposed to happen to her? That’s her life? A life of waiting, to be replaced with a life with her parents? “And what happens to this life?” she asked.

“It’s like the others. You remember it in your head. Rory will probably remember it, too, with enough prompting,” he said as he walked towards her. “But the life with your parents…you seem better in that life. More fulfilled. Happier.”

“But I wouldn’t see you again until I was twenty-one,” she said. “And Rory is going to die? And I’m going to die?”

“But you come back,” he said. “Of course, that life may never happen. After all, it’s nine more years until my enemies set the trap. And I know about it now.”

“How did you find out about it?” she aasked.

“My friend River, I’ve mentioned her before?” She nodded. “She’s a time traveler, going in the wrong order. The first time I meet her is the last time she sees me. She got a hold of me not long after I met you in Camilla’s office. She has a book where she records her adventures, and said suddenly she was remembering different events then were in her book. We had a long talk and that’s when I got the gist of everything that changed.”

“I had no idea,” she said quietly.

“And I didn’t want to tell you until you were older, until I learned more. No one should know more of their own future than absolutely necessary, especially in your case where it’s so drastic of a change. Even my records have you with a different future then the one I just told you. About the only thing that remains the same is that you have Rory to help guide you through things.”

“Should you tell him?” she asked.

“Yes, perhaps I should,” he replied. “It wouldn’t be good for you to have to keep such a heavy burden to yourself, and he would understand.”

“What about Mels?”

He paused. “The less she knows, the better,” he said after a moment. “Her future is…complicated. And the less you know of it, the better. I already made a hash of things, and it may turn out differently in the long run anyway.”

“I don’t like keeping secrets.”

“Let’s just say she’s got one of her own and leave it at that, shall we?” He put a hand on each shoulder and looked at her intently. “Should we go find Rory?”

“Yeah, probably,” she said with a sigh, looking down.

“Amelia.” She looked back up. “Before I go fix this problem, if I can fix it at all, I will tell you. I will have you be as prepared as I can for the changes that are going to come, whatever they might be. I will not leave you to face it all alone.”

“Okay,” she said. “Let’s go get Rory.”

“All right then. Off to go fetch Rory.” He put an arm around her shoulders and guided her to the console. A small but heavy weight was lifted from her shoulders. At least she would have warning. At least she could prepare herself. Or at least try. But she knew at the core of her being that things would never be the same again.

#doctor who #st trinians #amy x rory #fanfic #fanfiction #amy pond #the doctor #eleventh doctor #multipart: alternate beginnings alternate endings alternate universes #my au: adventures in unexpected places

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sawthefaeriequeen · 5 years

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Top Ten Books Read In 2018

1) The Last Summer of the Death Warriors by Francisco X. Stork

I picked this up at a book fair, read the summary, and figured I'd surprise myself with this author I'd never heard of before. It's about the friendship between DQ, a guy with terminal cancer dealing with his complicated feelings for his estranged-but-conciliatory family, and Pancho, a guy who's biding his time until he can get revenge on the person who's killed one of his family members. I like that both boys are raw and real and people—Pancho obviously has messed up emotions, but DQ can be plenty bitter and angry too: he's not an Inspirational Cancer Patient stereotype.

2) The Sherwood Ring by Elizabeth Marie Pope

Girl moves into her uncle's old ancestral house sometime during the 18th century and gets immersed into the past lives and loves of the ghosts that thrived there during the days of the Revolutionary War, their paths often crossing each other's. I swear I have never seen more delightful ghost characters in my entire life.

3) The Unbound by V.E. Schwab

So by the time I'd picked this up, I was having mixed feelings about V.E. Schwab – on one hand, she'd always written worlds that engage me almost instantly with their creativity. On the other hand, I'd just recently been horribly disappointed by the ending to what's been her most popular series so far: I thought her final Shades of Magic book did a most spectacular job on dropping the balls on everything good about it. Up to reading it, I'd thought the author's hype was deserved. But after, well…

So when I picked this up, it was with much trepidation. I'd loved the previous book, The Archived: the big old house setting, the grim closed-off girl/sweet sunny boy dynamic the lonesome warrior setup, all were like catnip to my id. I didn't want it ruined by a bad sequel. Fortunately, this book took everything I loved about the book and turned it up to eleven. It upped the stakes, it intensified the relationships, and it also added a mental illness angle that I personally found very meaningful.

The author is still kiiinda on notice so I'm not sure I want a third book. If there is one, dear God, please be good. *crosses fingers*

4) Turtles All The Way Down by John Green

I remember thinking, as I was reading this: this is really, really working for me but will it work for someone neurotypical? 2018 was hell and I was just so desperate for the people in my life to get it, and so I kept hopping on trains of thought like this.

Anyway, this book was spot on in what goes on in the wirings of my anxious brain. Green's usual turns of phrase took an incredibly frenetic turn at times, which, I know, is exactly what it's like to have a mental illness. This is not a book about "this is what to do" it's about how it IS or how it can GET.

I'm still really grateful for that quote about the spiral – how it tightens, but also how it eternally widens. When I first saw the cover, I thought it was kind of blah; now I look at that spiral and see something different. I see the hope of creating a new 'normal'.

5) The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

This was so readable it surprised me. I thought I'd go slow on it because: war story where it's a foregone conclusion that it ends tragically for the leads? Yeah, I'm not in a rush to reach the end of that. But I blazed right through this book. There's something really addictive about Madeline Miller's storytelling and how she brings her characters together and follows their blossomings and downfalls through the years. And then, the course of the Iliad and the inevitable sadness for Achilles, Patroclus, and Briseis was more like the slow turning of the tide rather than getting hit with a tidal wave. Anyway, not only was it readable but I'm finding myself eager to re-read it.

6 ) The Hero and the Crown by Robin McKinley

Part of my Read Everything Robin McKinley Writes mission that began last year. I'd liked the sheer escapism and the desert setting in The Blue Sword, but that whole white savior thing kinda put me off from enjoying Harry and the book more fully than I would've liked.

It was not so for this book, thankfully! Who knew that reading about the nitty-gritty of slaying big scaly beasts could be so satisfying? That's classic Robin McKinley, as I'm learning – you love what the protag loves. And then I really dug how the dead dragon's ghost haunting Aerin acts as a metaphor for mental illness.

(As I continue to wrestle with my diagnosis, I continually appreciate all the depression/anxiety metaphors I encounter in media. Maybe one day I'll make a post about it) AND ALSO: a love triangle that's actually well done and that serves our heroine's identity and character rather than taking away from it? Yes. Yes, thank you.

7) A Certain Slant of Light by Laura Whitcomb

Yeah so, this book killed me. It's about two twenty-something ghosts with unfinished business who find themselves in the bodies of two teenagers whose souls appear to have completely vacated theirs. They find themselves falling for each other and trying to find out what happened to their 'hosts' and what went on in their past lives. They also find themselves battling to survive the hostile home lives that their 'hosts' left behind. It's all very beautiful and kind of twisted and also a love letter to words and probably my most unexpected book of the year. And I have NO idea to rec it to people. "Read this, it's kind of fucked up but gorgeous but also can get triggery so step warily?" Uh.

8) Deerskin by Robin McKinley

See warnings above. Oh God. But really, I totally respect Robin McKinley for going full-out faithful to how utterly fucked up fairy tales can be while still creating a survival story. I'm not just talking about Lissar surviving spoilers incestual rape and miscarriage (indeed, I'm not qualified to talk about it) but how hers is a story of healing: by surviving the elements, by nursing living things back into life, by building herself up into a legend without even knowing it.

9) Muse of Nightmares by Laini Taylor

Just an incredibly satisfying ending to a duology that at the same time echoes that quote from Michael Ende's The Neverending Story: "but that is another story and shall be told another time." I love when something ends with that sense of: "there are even more stories and adventures for our beloved characters out there than you can possibly fathom, and you are now free to make up them yourself."

10) Autoboyography by Christina Lauren

I was intrigued by the premise: a half-Jewish guy and a Mormon guy fall for each other over the course of a writing class. And upon starting it, I could tell straight (heh, straight) away that it was going to be a favorite. It's an unabashedly kilig romance about falling for the wonderfulness in each other,and both mains are fucking adorable, and made me want to give them both a ton of hugs. Oh, and this book further reinforced my belief that the key to first-person writing is having a good voice.

Another thing is, I basically never see YA books that deal with growing up in a religion and actually-loving it and having it be an inextricable part of your identity… and then having to deal with the darker, prejudiced sides that you really wish would be excised from it altogether especially if they are opposed to who you are. To deal with it sensitively and touchingly, not only in a YA book but in an m/m romance? Well done.

honorable mention!

-The Secret History by Donna Tartt

I was reading this on the bus on the way home to the province for Christmas and I could not stop laughing and I had no idea to explain to my very curious sister that it was because half the protagonists were high as a kite at the funeral of the friend that they all killed and one of them had just very noisily killed a bee in the church vestibule and it made the loudest sound on the planet and they're all gonna have to ~aesthetically grieve and pallbear now even though THEY killed their friend and w o w it's like Nuwanda from Dead Poets Society was cloned five times.

Sometimes "pretentious people murder someone and somehow it is hilarious" is just exactly my cup of tea.

and a couple of series binges!

Almost 10 years ago (god, what the hell), I had a "YA Paranormal Romances I Might Actually Like" list, and the two trilogies below were on it. There's something gratifying about finally crossing off books on your TBR that have been there for ages:

-The Shade Trilogy by Jeri Smith-Ready (Shade, Shift, Shine) This series came out on the tail of the Great YA Paranormal Romance boom and I really wish I'd picked it up then (I also really wish some of the covers it got weren't so damn off-putting. It's like Animorphs all over again) because it's such cut above so many of the books that were being churned out in those days.

The premise is: what if there was a global paranormal event that left the portion of the population born after a certain year with the ability to see ghosts? I really like that the author thought this out thoroughly – it's not just a oooh spooky ghosties gimmick. Everything is affected: the educational system, the police force, politics, technology, travel, you name it.

The heroine was smart and truth-seeking and had nuancedrelationships with lots of female characters (bff, mentor, aunt who raised her, mom who died… ), the Betty love interest was a total sweetheart who also didn't seem too good to be true and who was capable of making major teenage fuck-ups, and the Veronica love interest was a rock-and-roll ghost who had the post-life character arc that I sadly wish Maggie Stiefvater had given Noah Czerny. I kind of loved them all a lot and one of the reasons I wish I'd read these books as they came out was so I could've been un-jaded just a little bit about Those Pesky Love Triangles.

(Someday I…really ought to make an analysis about why I dislike love triangles in general and what exactly was up with the ones that DID work for me.)

-Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy by Maggie Stiefvater

I read the whole series toward the year's end. It was precisely the cold-weather binge I was craving. I may have my quarrels with some of her writing decision, but really few people can do atmospheric, poetic writing the way Maggie Stiefvater does. The romances were a bit too YA for me in this one, but I ended up really sympathizing with every single POV character anyway. And I mean, cold and poetry and family and books and wolves-as-family*.

(*One day, I'll have the emotional armor to watch Wolf's Rain again. )

#personal #text post #cross posted #the written word

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saintmccann · 6 years

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B I T T E N / P A R T T W O

synopsis of the B I T T E N series When Ava wakes up, she’s stuck in the 18th century with strangers who can do even stranger things, and no recollection of her past life. As she learns to cope with what, and who, now surrounds her, she realizes there’s one thing so much bigger than the battle between life and death: love.

filling the requests “more bondy please!” + “you’re interested in both van and bondy” + “you’re mad at bondy for whatever reason and how he would react, maybe you guys had a fight or something.” Changed the last one up a bit to fit the story - hope you don’t mind. If it’s not what you had in mind, message me and we can work something else out! x

warnings Mentions of lowkey kidnapping, swearing. Mentions of daddy, but I’m sure y’all are filthy enough to enjoy my jokes.

[read part 1 here]

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When Maise dressed Ava the next day, she did the same steps meticulously again: shift dress, petticoat, corset, pockets, petticoat, silk kerchief, gown petticoat, front panel, gown, apron. This time, the gown itself was a robin’s egg blue. And with nowhere for Ava to rush off to, Maise took her time, although she always worked with a fastidious hand. Ava looked around her room with wonder once again, the feeling not settling in yet that this was to be her permanent residence until further notice.

“Anywhere you want to go today, Miss?” Maise asked, dark hairs falling from her tidy bun onto her forehead as she bent to secure Ava’s shoes.

“You mean I can leave the house?”

“‘Course you can. You’d probably want to check with your master first, but --”

“My master?”

A knock at the door sounded just as Maise was affixing the final piece, the white embroidered cloth, to the crown of Ava’s head.

“Well that’ll be him now!” Maise exclaimed, more chipper than Ava could say for herself, whose mind was reeling with the words Maise had spoken.

Maise drifted to open the door, and Bondy’s fist was closed and mid-knock when she opened it.

“Hello love,” Bondy smiled at Ava, white pointy teeth evident against his cherry red lips. “Care for a house tour?”

Bondy led Ava down the hall, around the grand staircase, and into the dining room. He spoke confidently the whole way, as if he’d recited the stories he was telling her hundreds of times. She didn’t think he had, but his confidence was alluring nonetheless.

“This entire house was rebuilt by myself and a team of contractors after it burnt down in 1732. As Maise probably told you, she and her entire family of seven, mom, dad, brothers, sisters, everyone, died in the fire. For some reason, she and her brother are the only ones who attained ghost status. We’re still not sure why that is,” Bondy said thoughtfully, and paced through the door to the old-fashioned kitchen.

“Is that why you set the table for seven?” Ava called to him.

He poked his head through the doorway to the kitchen and laughed. “Partly for that, partly because seven of us now live here in the manor, and partly because it’s Van’s favorite number and he won’t have the table set any other way.”

“That’s a little…. strange… don’t you think?” Ava remarked.

“I’ve been telling him for years.” Bondy smiled down at Ava, who happily returned the smile. She was finding that Bondy was easy to get along with. When he popped back through the doorway, she followed, eager to hear more about the old house she now lived in.

“Here’s the kitchen. Lovely little space. Antique! We don’t use it much, except for when Jack cooks meals for us, like he did last night. Thankful the bugger didn’t lose his skills in death.”

“A helpful poltergeist?”

Bondy snorted. “I like you.” He switched his gaze back to the kitchen. “In this cupboard you’ll find some snacks to eat. It’s full of all kinds of foods, from all different places of the world. But don’t eat anything from a jar. Seriously. My friend Lou likes to fuck with the jams.”

Ava walked around, picking foreign utensils up and surveying the rest of the area as Bondy waited for her to finish perusing.

“This is a special room,” Bondy said softly, knocking his knuckles absentmindedly against the aged wood door. He looked about the rest of the kitchen and its old wrought iron fixtures, and settled his eyes on Ava. “You aren’t allowed to go in here yet, but you will someday.”

“What is it?”

“The cellar. It’s where we keep our….. valuables.”

“Oh.” Ava’s mouth watered at the thought of what kinds of treasure could lie beneath the old house.

“It was the only part of the original house that remained. It’s enchanted by us, but originally it held a large store of energy for the owners. Want to hear my two cents? Maise and her brother were the only ones who became ghosts. But they were also the only two who were unfortunately locked in the cellar at the time of the fire.”

Ava’s heart dropped as her eyes stared beyond the cellar door. Maise and Jack died in that room beneath the earth.

“Don’t get too morbid on her first day, christ,” a short, squat man said as he walked through the kitchen doorway and grabbed a roll of bread from the reed basket on the countertop, ignoring Ava’s surprised sqeak and jump at the sound of someone behind her.

“Larry, lad, let me do my thing, I’ve got to set the scene for her,” Bondy joked.

“You don’t think the scene’s already set? She’s livin’ in a junky old prepster’s house with a bunch of freaks three hundred years before she’s even s’posed to be alive. It’s dark literally everywhere and she knows we bite.”

Ava gulped, and spoke up. “He’s kind of right.”

Larry looked at Bondy with an I-told-you-so smirk, and walked back out to who-knows-where with his bread, gone as quickly as he’d came.

“So that was Larry. I guess I’d better show you the rest of the house, and then we can get going? I’ve got to run a few errands in town. You can come if you’d like,” Bondy stated, chewing on his lip afterward in waiting for an answer. Ava noticed he gave her a choice this time. Perhaps speaking her mind in this household didn’t come with repercussions. In this state, Bondy looked almost… endearing.

“I like the sound of that,” she said, and gave him a bashful smile.

After they ascended the grand staircase to the floor Ava’s room was on, and as she stood panting at the top in all her layers of clothing, Bondy chuckled.

“Whew. That was a lot of stairs,” Ava huffed, wiping the sweat from her brow. “How did I get up those so quickly yesterday?”

“Technically, we just went up two flights of stairs in one. We’re on the third floor now. Oh, and you might notice your strength ebbing and flowing while you’re here. Come on, I’ll show you my room.”

Ava trudged after Bondy, the buckled boots starting to rub the backs of her sweaty feet. She was so focused on the floor and her steps that when Bondy stopped to unlock a door at one end of the hall, she smacked right into his back.

“Sorry!” she said, stepping back, cheeks reddening. He shook his head with a fond grin, and twisted the key in the lock.

Bondy’s room was the most lavish room she’d ever seen. Once, she’d been on a school trip to Versailles, and she’d caught tiny glimpses of the king’s quarters behind red velvet ropes and security guards. This time, she was living the reality, and up close.

Gold.

It adorned the ceilings, the chairs, the chaise lounge, the chandelier, even the clock had gold leaf accenting. She’d seen Rococo in paintings before --- that bright cobalt paired with white trim and gold, gold, everywhere --- but she realized now why the royals took to it so easily. Everything gleamed. Astonished, her eyes feasted on the sight before her.

“There’s no way this is real,” she said, full of awe, mouth agape as she swirled around in place, skirts swishing beneath her.

“Did you expect anything less?” he asked quietly, watching her reaction. His low voice resonated across the smooth floors.

“I don’t know you that well, but… I guess not.”

Bondy winked, and opened the door to his actual bedroom. The fireplace near his bed was marbled, his bed frame was gilded, the furniture still covered in gold, and a literal suit of armor complete with chain metal was stood proudly in the corner.

Ava pointed at it expectantly.

“What can I say? I’m a collector,” he laughed.

“Uh-huh,” Ava snickered, eyebrows rising. She followed Bondy back out into the hallway from which they’d come.

“As you can see, the hallway wraps around in a square. Can’t ever get lost. You, Bob, Benji, and myself have the corner rooms. Van’s situated in between you an’ me, Larry’s situated in between me an’ Bob. There are four other empty rooms in the house that we use for storage, and stuff. Although this is the fullest this house has ever been, since the original owners had it.”

Ava knew the house was big, but ten rooms? Who could ever need a house that big? And for what purpose? Her thoughts raced as Bondy filled her in on unimportant mechanics -- “and here’s the guest bathroom” -- and she remembered Van’s room was next to hers. It must have been easy for him to deliver the letter last night. Her heart swelled.

“That’s about it,” Bondy said, snapping Ava out of her thoughts. “Want to go into town?”

******

The walk down the impossibly narrow cobblestone streets, wherein only three to four of Ava dressed up in skirts could walk arm in arm, was troublesome. Ava wasn’t getting used to her boots, and needed to walk slower than she usually did. Not that she remembered how she walked before she woke up in a different century; she could just feel that it was dissimilar. The change in her comfort led to a change in her attitude, and topic of conversation.

“Earlier today Maise told me that you’re my master,” she questioned Bondy, trying to walk dignified next to him as they passed citizens of 1739 France on the roads. She could tell they were dressed much less lavishly than she and Bondy were.

“So it would seem,” he replied casually, eyes squinting in the sunlight, looking for something.

“But why? Stop speaking ambiguously. I want to know why I’m here,” Ava huffed, kicking a loose stone across the street, which earned her looks from passersby.

“I bit you.”

“Yeah, got that part down. The marks in my neck? Pretty deep, I’d say. Vampire bite? It’s the latest trend,” she replied snarkily.

“Blix.”

“Okay, blix, whatever. So what’s going on? Does that just make me your slave? You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Bondy guffawed, head cast up to the sky in laughter. The sound made her cheeks burn in the best way. He turned to Ava, and smiled. “Here’s some terminology for ya. Because I bit you, I’m your sire. You’re sired to me forever by my bite. Maise uses the word master. But she’s the maid. It’s just…. different dynamics as a whole. And by the way,” he stopped to tap on Ava’s nose. “The reason that we’re here in the first place: we’re looking for a shop called Violet’s Dresser. Help me find it, lassy.”

*****

The shop was quaint, to say the least. Vintage knick knacks of all kinds littered the shelves, but in a classy sort of way that made you understand that if you broke it, you bought it. And the price wouldn’t be pretty.

“Violet, I’m the one who sent a telegram the other day,” Bondy spoke at the counter to the large woman in a giant feather hat. “I’m here for a fitting for my fiancee, Ava.”

Ava’s eyes bugged out of her head, but Bondy gave her a sharp Just go along with it! look. She supposed he had to do things this way. After all, it was 18th century Paris. Why else would a dashing young man be buying exuberant gowns? Certainly not because he’s keeping a girl he bit on the neck, captive.

Violet circled the counter and disappeared through a set of heavy curtains.

“Come into the dressing lounge, you darling thing. You’ve got a certain je ne ses quoi about you, you know that?” the rounded dressmaker whooped from the other room. Bondy nudged Ava to go on with an encouraging look.

Once she parted the aptly violet curtains into the dressing lounge, she came face to face with a team of seamstresses. They immediately stripped her of each layer down to her corset, petticoat, and cotton shift.

“Little Johnny’s spoken nonstop of you since he knew you’d be arriving. How long have you been here, dear?” the dressmaker asked huskily. She pulled a velvet dress bag from a hook and untied the gold ribbon holding the bag closed. The seamstresses worked to pull the new garments over Ava’s head quickly.

“Uh, just two days so far,” Ava stuttered. She hoped for her sake that answer would line up with Bondy’s story. The approving harrumph she received from the dressmaker made her sigh in relief.

The seamstresses worked in tandem, suiting Ava up in a whole new outfit; the petticoats for this gown were of the finest white linen. The gown itself was a brilliant crimson silk encrusted with thousands of jewels on the bodice. The apron was gold, along with an underlying petticoat. Ava had never tried on anything more glitzy. Or expensive.

“Breathtaking, isn’t it?” Violet asked her. She nodded her head up and down, mouth gawking at the sight in the mirror.

“What’s this gown for?” Ava asked the dressmaker.

“You’ll soon find out,” she smirked, and lit a cigarette.

“Okay then,” Ava muttered under her breath.

“I’m sure Johnny’s loving the attention he’s getting from you, sweety. He was a lonely young man before he met you. Never smiled. Now look at him!” she poked her cane through the curtains and parted them slightly so Ava and she could peek through.

“He does look happy,” Ava replied, watching Bondy look around the room of knick knacks with an inkling of a smile turning up the corners of his mouth. His hands were stuffed in his pockets, but he looked content.

The curtains fell back into place, and Violet snapped her fingers. The seamstresses began undressing Ava as quickly as they’d dressed her.

“Surprisingly enough, he got her measurements perfectly correct,” the seamstress whispered to Violet.

“And that’s a man who loves his woman,” Violet howled with laughter. Ava’s cheeks flushed unintentionally.

Redressed and out in the main shop, Ava couldn’t meet Bondy’s eyes.

“Fits like a dream!” Violet stated, and Bondy stepped toward the counter to pay for it. One of the seamstresses brought out the large box, and Violet stamped it with the address of the manor.

“Delivery by tonight,” she winked at Ava, and went to put Bondy’s money away. “Threw in a little something extra for ya, doll!”

*****

“So what you’re saying is,” Ava clarified as she followed Bondy’s footfalls through the cobbled streets, “is that I’m something called sired to you? And that means we’re forever bound together by that energy?”

“Exactly.”

“But why’d you bite me?” she inquired.

“It’s a long story.”

“Well obviously I’m not leaving for a while.”

Bondy pivoted on his heel and stopped her from walking forward any farther. He took both Ava’s hands in his, and the serious gesture took her by surprise. She looked into his baby blue eyes and shivered.

“Usually when a blix bites, for sire purposes… well…” He trailed off, unable to continue. His eyes searched Ava’s. “Let me explain it to you this way. When a wolf sires a cub, it means it’s the cub’s father.”

“Bondy, I am not calling you Daddy.”

“Let me finish! Christ, you’re hilarious,” Bondy snickered, not letting the crude joke go unnoticed. “Like I was saying… when a blix bites and doesn’t kill, it’s a forever bond. You… change. And our bond ties us together forever.”

Ava stood flabbergasted. “Wait, are we ---? Am I actually going to become one of you? Like in the movies?” she trailed off in shock. Her hands began to shake.

“Ava, look. It’s already started. Your eyes are the color of your dress.”

Ava looked down at the blue of her dress, and drew in a deep breath. She saw a shallow well near a cart of flowers and raced to look at her reflection.

“Ava, wait --” he called out behind her.

Despite the ruddy water, and the ripples from the wind, she could still see herself looking down into the water. As she peered closer, she saw it: chocolate brown had brightened to a striking icy blue. The same color the others in the manor had. Her breath hitched. Bondy’s footsteps stopped a ways away from her.

There hadn’t been any confirmation of their existence as monsters yet. Yesterday the bite on her neck was almost funny. It didn’t hurt. It was a joke. Maise concealed it before they went out in the street today. In the back of her mind, she’d been hoping this was a twisted dream. The reality hadn’t set in yet. It couldn’t.

But there she was. Changed. Concretely. Blue-eyed.

Her face looked wrong. And she hated it.

She touched her cheeks beneath her eyes and hated them. She stared deep into her foreign eyes. She couldn’t look away. She was disgusted.

“I’m really changing,” she whispered. A sob caught in her throat. “I--”

She felt herself losing control. Her thoughts raced blindly behind her eyes, and her mouth dropped farther and farther open.

I’m a lectoblix.

A monster.

I kill people to stay alive.

I’m living in a house full of monsters who can kill me.

I’m changing.

I’m stuck with a monster for the rest of my life.

I’m stuck being a monster for the rest of my life.

I don’t even know who I was.

They changed me.

And now I’m changing again.

Her mind went blank with panic.

She sat there, on the edge of the well, for too long, soaking the edge of her skirts in the water, not caring about the water damage to the blue silk. She numbly watched the way her silent tears shimmered against the new blue of her eyes, and down her cheeks, tracking through the powder Maise applied earlier. It was all too real now.

Motion behind her made her turn slightly, like a caged animal. But she didn’t care enough to turn all the way around. Her body was numb. No turning back.

A bouquet of red roses was placed by her knees resting on the edge of the well.

Only then did she turn fully. And there he was, standing in shame with a receipt from the flower cart.

“I made a mistake,” Bondy’s face crinkled, with enough frustration to shatter Ava all over again. “Fuck. I’ll take you home.”

******

Ava sat in her room, alone, writing on the expensive stationery supplied in her desk. Shortly after they’d come home, and Bob had seen her waterlogged skirts and tear-tracked cheeks and pulled Bondy aside, calling for Maise.

Ava had been taken upstairs, flowers placed in a vase, and bathed in steaming hot water until it was cold. Now, she sat, pen in hand, wondering how to begin.

I am Ava.

She wrote. She couldn’t remember her last name.

“Ooh!” she exclaimed, and put the pen to the paper once more.

I like to dance. I like cheese pizza.

I can’t remember any of my family. Or do I even have one? Every time I try to remember something, it’s like a wall is put up.

She sat, pensieve.

I tried on a red dress today. It was incredibly beautiful. It was like wearing the Crown Jewels, but on my body. The dress is supposed to arrive tonight. Bondy paid for it. I don’t know why he’s spending all of his money on me.

She scrunched up her nose as she remembered the rest of the afternoon.

“Ava! There’s a package for you downstairs!” Maise’s voice called from the walls of the mansion. Ava liked that her voice could travel without her having to materialize in front of her. She put her pen to the paper once more.

But Bondy and Van are of similar kind. They can’t be too bad... right?

Ava slipped her silk robe on over her shift dress and tied it tightly. The house was cold; she’d have to make her trip downstairs quick.

Jack was already halfway up the stairs with the large box by the time Ava reached the landing.

“Thanks, Jack,” she said happily, and he followed her into her room, placing the box on her bed. He pretended to tip his nonexistent hat and exited.

Ava removed the top of the box, and sighed. The crimson dress was folded impeccably neatly inside. She caressed her hand over it, and decided to lie it flat on the bed. She read the card inside:

To Ava soon-to-be-Bond

From Violet

Hope you enjoy this dress, babydoll! You’re worth every penny it cost him.

P.S. - Wasn’t joking about the surprise.

Ava rummaged through the fluff and tulle of the box, and her hand hit something silky soft, yet hard. She pulled out the garment and gasped.

A crimson red corset, matching the dress, stitched with intertwined gold and black thread. Ava held it up in front of her face, and said, “Oh, baby. That’s hot.”

A low whistle coming from the hall interrupted her admiration for the thing, and she quickly stuffed it back into the box before the offender could see any more of it. Her heart pounded as she realized who was there.

Van stood with a shit-eating grin on his face: guilty, but nevertheless pleased. Ava’s stomach pulled again, and she tried to play it cool.

“Where ya goin’ with that thing?” he laughed, leaning into the door jamb, as casual as ever.

“I have no idea,” Ava whispered, not believing she just pulled that out of the box. In front of him.

“It’s right gorgeous, I say,” he said, resting his hands in his pockets. “You should wear it some time for the lucky fellow.” Ava’s heart quickened, her cheeks beet red.

Van was wearing 21st century clothes: black leather jacket and black denim. “Anyways - came to tell ya we have a meeting at nine. Meet us on the second story. You can dress normally. We’ve enchanted the place for the night with a distractor spell so no stragglers’ll come and ruin it all for us.”

“How do you get to the second story?” Ava said just as he was about to usurp himself from the comfort of the door jamb.

“Oh. Bond didn’t show ya the best parts on the house tour I see? Hmm. I can walk you there? Meet us here at 8:55,” he smiled happily.

“Sounds good.”

“Okay.” He drug out the O sound, and the short kay! echoed down the hall with him.

******

“What is this place?” she asked Van as they tucked themselves down a secret door under the staircase; it hid behind a painting of Louis the Beloved. Ava knew it wasn’t classified as sneaking around when she had a destination, but it was new, and fun, and she was exploring.

“The second floor, love.” Ava’s heart fluttered at the sound of that.

“You weren’t kidding when you said you ran an operation,” she chuckled.

“I’m a simple guy,” Van said, tongue between his teeth in jest. “I mean what I say.”

“Good to know,” Ava flirted back. She couldn’t help it. She felt that she and Van had clicked from the moment they’d laid eyes on each other.

“Van, how do you know where you’re going? It’s pitch black,” Ava noted. She was able to ascend the flight of stairs before the painting swung shut, but now the halls were swathed in complete darkness.

“Got that good eyesight. Blix stuff,” he replied. Ava shivered.

Her hand brushed up against something and immediately felt a piercing shock run through it, searing her hand with burning pain that made her cry out loudly in a harrowing shriek.

“What the fuck was that?” she yelled at Van, clutching her hand. It was hot to the touch. They both stood stock still in the hallway. Ava’s eyes began to adjust to the darkness as adrenaline rushed through her veins, and she saw Van’s eyes mirroring her own in confusion.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, scratching the back of his neck. “Just tried to grab your hand to lead the way.” Ava’s slight panting mixed with Van’s nervous breathing in the narrow space.

“I still can barely see…” she said, voice wavering. “And my hand hurts.”

“Hold on... I want to try something,” he said softly. “If it does it again, just... yell.”

Van reached forward slowly and touched Ava’s hand with the most delicate of caresses. Electricity zinged between their fingers and buzzed in their veins. Ava let out a shaky breath. Van’s touch became harder as he laced Ava’s fingers with his. Their eyes never left each other. Ava could feel Van’s cool breath fanning over her face.

“This is weird,” Ava whispered.

“I know,” he responded in a similar tone. “Glad I didn’t shock you again.”

“Why did that happen?” Ava looked up at him, desperate for answers, desperate to feel the reverb of his voice resonate through her body again. It was..... good.

“Guess since you’re sired to Bond, no one else gets to touch you,” he whispered. “Let’s go. They’re expecting us.”

#PART TWO YEE HAW #catfish and the bottlemen #catb #catb fanfic #catfish fanfic #van mccann #johnny bond #oo boy i got a lil flirtin going on with both of them what are yall gonna do #enjoy ladiez #two fics in two days? who am i?

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mrs-yamada · 5 years

Text

Coping Mechanisms

I realized I’ve posted a lot of stories about abuse, but none of the things I’ve learned over my 40+ years to cope with or lessen the everyday pain one goes through. It’s so hard to struggle through each day all by yourself by sheer will - as it certainly feels like, somedays.

You need to find some ways to deal with your pain! No matter how silly something may sound, if it works it’s not silly at all.

Obviously these won’t all work on everyone and some might irritate the heck out of you, because we’re all different. But if you put your own spin on them and think of what you enjoy to do, they could be helpful.

I’ll add to these if I remember more, since I’m in sort of a downward spiral (parents visiting soon) myself...

Onward, under the break...

Sleep when you need it

If you can, that is. I have too many issues to work and luckily we’ve managed so far with one income, although it sucks. This does mean that I can cater to my individual sleep schedule, however, and I use that to my advantage.

Don’t listen to neural typicals when they say “go to bed at the same time every night”. They’re normies! We’re not! Our bodies differ. You may actually benefit from doing as everyone will tell you, but a lot of us with mental differences benefit much greater from setting our own, very different (and rapid cycling) sleep cycles. I am currently sleeping from 6 am until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I simply cannot sleep until then no matter what I do - and in a few weeks, I know this will change and I’ll be back to 10 pm or maybe 12. The difference is I get the sleep my body so desperately needs, and it helps greatly. I know not all of us can do this, but if you can - go for it. Try it out. You’d be amazed how good you feel after actually sleeping.

On the flip side, though:

Don’t oversleep

No, seriously. We all have the urge to “never get out of bed”, but you’re just gonna feel like crap and get a headache. Sometimes it’s cool to do this but, you know. Don’t abuse the treat.

Clean up (yourself & the home)!

Yeah. This is another one of those “you see it everywhere” tips, but that’s because it does work. Even if you can only manage to brush your teeth, change your undies, whatever, you’ll feel a bit better. Same goes for your house/apartment/room. Clean a tiny space if it’s all you can do - you’ll feel like you’ve got more breathing room.

Don’t EVER want to shower/bathe?

We’ve been there. It stinks, no pun intended. Personally, I had to think of a great way to encourage myself to get the heck out of bed and bathe - bath bombs.

And not just the regular kind! Glitter, rainbows, especially the ones with little toys inside, those are the best for days I don’t want to wake up and shower. You can even use them (as I just said) in the shower. They act like shower steamers and smell the rooms up nice, too.

Make a “Power Outfit”

It could be a comfy sweatshirt, or animal pajamas (kigurumi). Maybe it’s a really wacky pair of socks or a shirt that features your favorite TV star or character from a series. This could include accessories, like a fun hat, headband, furry tail, superhero cape - whatever will make you feel great. Don’t overthink it. It’s not “weird” to wear what makes you feel better, no matter what.

Hide/buy surprises for yourself!

Again, this is one I absolutely love to do. I scroll around through etsy and eBay a lot as another numbing yet engaging brain exercise, and I look for the cheapest “blind boxes” and/or “surprises”. Blind boxes are packages where you don’t know what’s inside until you open it, just like the name suggests. If this doesn’t bother you, it’s great for buying yourself a surprise. I use this as stocking stuffers for myself, too. Ha.

Of course this works for things like a book you want to read or a puzzle you’d like to do. Maybe even wrap it and leave it in the “gift pile”. Gift yourself when you need a pick me up!

Another of my favorite things are called “surprise balls”. They’re balls of crepe paper strips you unravel, and each layer has a surprise in it. You unroll the rainbow-colored strips, dropping toys, novelty items, etc, as you go. You can unroll one layer at a time or all of them! Find them at etsy, you can even get them customised.

Eat better. Exercise.

Trust me, I used to hate exercising (and when I say “hate”, I mean it). But it makes such a complete difference that I actually miss it when I skip on the weekends! Eating right (whatever is right for you, allergy-wise, dietary preferences, etc) also makes a huge difference. My mood lifted so high without the use of mind-altering drugs at all (societal approved medicine or otherwise).

Aromatherapy

I’ve seen so many people FREAK OUT about this.

Relax. It’s not meant as a “cure-all” no matter what the MLM pushers say, it simply helps a little. And for those of us with a lot of problems, “a little off the top” is really a big help. There are different types of scents for different mood enhancers, but my favorites (bubblegum, lemon, orange) are citrus based because that lifts depression. (Google this if you’re want - there have been tests done researching depression & aromatherapy).

Use wax melts, incense, whatever - and remember that candles can be bought on etsy & elsewhere that have surprises in them, too! You take out the charms and gems and such as the candle burns. Win-win for a little pick me up!

Rainbows

Yeah, I know. I have little crystal rainbow catchers in my windows so that my rooms fill with rainbows throughout the day. You’d be amazed at how many times a surprise rainbow from one of them lifted my heart and made me smile.

They’re not expensive, either. You can pop down to your local craft store and buy them in the beading section. Thread the bead with string or fishing line and hang it up on a suction cup or - really, wherever you can where light will catch!

Wait, did I mention craft stores..?

Arts & Crafts

I may be biased here, but there have been a lot of people that benefit from coloring books and crafts. They’re soothing, but be warned - they’re sometimes not good for mind-wanderers. If you’re “dump-trucking” bad thoughts, a mindless task will NOT be a good thing to do. I sometimes pair crafts and such with watching TV so that my mind and hands are busy at the same time.

Distractions!

Writing

*looks at self in reflection of monitor*

...yep.

This can help not only you, but others. It’s a relief to feel that you’re not alone, and when you come across something that helps you in a moment of need it’s awesome. It feels just as good to let it all out.

Write about your day, your past experiences, your hopes - anything. Heck, write fanfiction where the guys or gals or beings of your dreams help you get through things. Work it out. You don’t have to publish them. It will still feel good. And if you want to record your own in one area, or read specific fics, especially fanfics, I recommend the Archive (and not simply because I write there, ha)!

Television/Movies/Games

Same thing for movies, games & TV. They may distract you, but that means you may get the odd, sneaky thought that creeps in. We all hate those. Oh, and watch out for triggers! Good flipping butt, so many triggers!

There’s a site that helps for tons of triggers (including books, games, etc) called “Does the Dog Die”. I use it constantly when watching new programs or movies.

I personally do toon-fests where I watch so many cartoons, especially kiddie ones like “Molang” (so cute)! And I love using Minecraft for chilling out, game wise. Just, again... watch out for games. Man, they can be a pain sometimes if you’re getting frustrated. Stick with ones that you know are relaxing or you can play on “safe mode”. Don’t try to do a complicated campaign or grab that rare trophy/achievement when you’re stressed.

Music!

Yep. Music lifts spirits. And did you know if you search Google Play they’ve got free stuff? Like, a lot of it you might not want and there are a ton of religious readings, etc (if that’s your thing, then hooray)! But often I’ve found some really nice relaxing music with wave sounds, thunderstorms, etc. Of course you can buy albums too.

Voices

The same goes for voices. They can be very soothing and help you relax. There’s a whole bunch of Play apps where anime dudes and/or chicks talk you to sleep, or say comforting things. Well, technically, they’re real people speaking but there’s images of anime guys and gals. There are all types, so look around.

You could even ask your loved one to make a recording of them speaking to you or reading poetry, etc. It’s very helpful to hear a beloved voice - no matter who it is for you -- in times of need.

Cuddles

Pets, stuffed animals, blankets, fellow humans... hugs help sometimes. Sometimes you really don’t want to be touched, but that stuffed animal or pillow can give you just the right snuggle to lift your mood.

Free stuff!

Every once in awhile I use a throwaway email and go freebie hunting on the internet. A lot of places will give you stickers, samples, and all sorts of stuff for free. If you have a PO Box or don’t mind giving out your address, this works so well. Mail surprises are the awesomest.

#coping #emotional abuse #mental health #mentally ill #mental disorder #IHATEwhenitsaysDISORDERugh #coping mechanism

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