#i hate my brain and i really wish the world we lived in was less of an ass but fuck it!

[fionnaskyborn]

I wonder if there is like a quota for how many fuckups a man can make in life. I don't know where I was going with this. I guess I just wish every step I made wasn't one in the wrong direction, or that I could at least backpedal out of bad decisions without any fatal consequences like damaging someone else. Life sucks.

#maybe it's just the tiredness and exhaustion talking sure but i think i need to become way less of a fuckup of a woman in order to do #anything worthwhile in life #lesson learned‚ i guess. don't make any decisions you would make once you have your shit together BEFORE that moment in time. #god‚ i wish there was an easier way to do these things. an easier way to learn. an easier way to live. i fucking hate being in pain and i #hate every single waking moment of my life i spend not in an ideal world where i am good and happy and free and not as fucking mentally ill #all the fucking time. i do wish there was an easier way to live. i really do. i hate my life. we are back to square fucking one. #just when i thought i was getting better i rush headfirst into oncoming traffic without a care in the world and another aspect of my #existence that once brought me great joy becomes almost nightmarish to think about‚ except this time around it was completely and entirely #my fault‚ and i see no way out of what i've done. #maybe‚ in another world‚ i could see the decision i've made‚ the path i've chosen‚ as a good one. but unfortunately‚ i am stuck with a hell #brain that hates me and everything i do‚ leftover traumas related to the concept commonly referred to as the defining trait of humanity‚ #and‚ to top it all off‚ the beautiful words that i have received only send me flying into a state of panic once i turn my head to look back #at everything that was said and done. i genuinely hate how my brain works. i wish i wasn't so much of a scared‚ scarred‚ terrified injured #animal. i wish that i could enjoy nice things. i wish that i could just be alive and make mistakes and live life and be happy with all of #that. but that's not the kind of life that was cut out for me‚ and i have been blasting here's to you sitting numb in my chair wondering #how i even got to this point in time‚ mouth agape‚ barely breathing‚ gazing at nothing. #tl;dr no one on god's green earth deserves a fuckup like me #logs #black blank blah-blah-blah

[saintsenara]

What parts of canon do you find the most frustrating/that you are dissatisfied with/wished that was handled better/explored more? Mine is the inconsistency of Voldemort as a character. How he is described as being perhaps the most talented student that Hogwarts has ever seen and so powerful and intelligent but regularly made such dumb decisions e.g. in the final battle where he still uses Avada Kedavra despite seeing it not work before. I like the explanation that Horcruxes rotted his brain

thank you very much for the ask, @sarafina-sincerity!

the parts of canon which i find the least satisfying all have the same thing in common: their morality is individualist.

the harry potter series has - at its core - a really profound and very black-and-white belief that good and evil not only exist but are rooted in the individual. and while i understand why this is the case - the later books in the series are governed by the genre conventions of folkloric epic and, especially, of christian folkloric epic, which means that the whole seven-book narrative arc ending in a battle between christ and satan after which all is well is only to be expected - i don't like it.

so here we are... ten things i hate about canon, for fanfic writers to win my heart by interrogating in their work...

i hate the series' insistence that everything is fine once voldemort is dead

the middle books in the series - especially goblet of fire - do a really interesting job at hinting at the endemic rot in the ministry of magic, and the ways that the state and its enforcers perpetuated harm during the first war that was indistinct from that perpetuated by the death eaters - above all the use of internment without trial for suspected death eaters [which is a reference to something the british state actually did in the 1970s!].

they show how widespread blood-supremacy and magic-supremacy is, even among people who don't openly support voldemort; how the wizarding population is kept deliberately ignorant by what appears to be state-controlled media; and how no serious efforts have been made to eradicate the conditions which enabled voldemort to attain such power.

this is then forgotten completely in deathly hallows, where the fact that almost the entire civil service keeps working for a government which is committing genocide is hand-waved away with "oh, people are scared", and both the epilogue and jkr's post-series writing take the view that kingsley manages, as minister, to preside over a government which easily sheds all its old prejudices and starts working properly.

i don't like this! i think it's just much more interesting for corruption to be impossible to fully eradicate from the government, for blood-supremacy to have long-standing causes which actually take a lot of very hard work to untangled [especially the fact that the wizarding world not appearing to have a welfare state means that those whose lives are poor or unstable are prime targets for radicalisation], and for kingsley to have the same capacity for leaning on the prophet and worrying about his polling numbers as any other politician...

i hate that the series changes how the death eaters are written between half-blood prince and deathly hallows

connected to this shift from the series hinting at the broader issues in the wizarding world to a flat battle between good and evil is that the death eaters, their aims, and their modus operandi are written very different between half-blood prince and deathly hallows. in the former, the death eaters can be situated very easily as anti-state sectarian terrorists who have all sorts of complex analogies within british history and politics. in the latter, they're just caricatures of pure evil - which is why the death eaters introduced from the latter stages of half-blood prince onwards, especially the carrows, are considerably less interesting as characters than those, such as lucius malfoy, barty crouch jr. and bellatrix lestrange, who are introduced earlier.

it's also why the voldemort of deathly hallows feels so uninteresting. i don't like the fanon that the horcruxes render him insane at all - when he's shown outside of the epic battle between good and evil in that book, he's shown to be as lucid and cunning as always - but he ends up having to flop because his only purpose in the overarching narrative is to be killed. in the earlier books, in which he's a paramilitary kingpin poisoning and corrupting a society which was designed to exclude him because of the fact of his birth in revenge for its treatment of him, rather than satan and hitler's lovechild, he is so much more interesting.

i hate the series' belief that slavery is fine

obviously, one of the biggest examples of state malevolence in the series is that wizards own slaves. like many readers, i loathe that the house elf plotline ends up being reduced from its potential for radicalism in chamber of secrets - in which dobby mentions whisper-networks of elves who decry their treatment at wizards' hands - to what we see from goblet of fire onwards - in which elves love being enslaved and think that any attempts to free them from their subjugation is cruel.

i also hate that elves' freedom is then hand-waved away as part of the general race towards "all was well" with the implication that hermione found it easy to undo what appears to be centuries of state-sanctioned oppression without any pushback at all.

the house elf plotline is one of the clearest distillations of the series' individualistic morality. harry abhors the treatment of dobby at the malfoys' hands entirely and only because he doesn't like the malfoys. he abhors voldemort's treatment of kreacher, but sees absolutely no issue with sirius' because he likes sirius - and he clearly sees no issue at all with his own legal mastery of kreacher, seeing as, literally minutes after the end of a war in which the good guys fought for the rights of muggles and muggleborns to be seen as fully human... he is considering ordering his slave to make him a sandwich.

i hate that the series doesn't show the realities of resistance

the reason i think the whole "why does voldemort keep using avada kedavra, isn't he supposed to be clever?" question arises is because the series is incredibly resistant to the idea that the good guys must have to kill as well, which makes it look like it's only the death eaters using it while the order use lots of clever magic that the stupid terrorists are too thick to think of.

this is idiotic - not only because the killing curse is canonically flawless unless the thing you're blasting is your own horcrux and so the order would use it for efficiency's sake alone, but because the reality of being a resistance fighter is that, even if you're on the "right" side, you are going to have kill people or they will kill you.

lupin is completely right in deathly hallows that harry is breathtakingly naive to avoid shooting to kill and that - without the protection of genre conventions allowing him to be preternaturally merciful - his resistance to killing is going to result in him being destroyed by the enemy. it is inconceivable that the rest of the order don't using the killing curse - and the question of what this does to their souls [is it murder if you believe yourself to be justified in your actions?] and their senses of self post-war is so interesting to think about - and i wish we were shown this in the text.

especially because molly absolutely blasted bellatrix with it.

but i also hate that the series thinks that violence is fine when the good guys do it

this is primarily another example of the black-and-white "this is fine because harry's good" theme which runs through the series, which we see in things like harry using sectumsempra on draco malfoy in half-blood prince or the cruciatus curse on amycus carrow in deathly hallows. harry's overarching response to committing attempted murder is to sulk that the incredibly minor punishment he receives is reducing the time he could spend hitting on ginny, and his response to torturing amycus is "lol. lmao."

the series thinks - again and again - that cruelty and violence are completely fine when the person they are perpetuated against "deserves" it, and it does not bang.

and that the series allows the good guys more complexity in characterisation

the role played by the house system in the story - and, above all, the fact that our heroes are all connected to one particular house with straightforwardly admirable associated characteristics - means that the villains receive less opportunity to also have positive traits intermingled with their negative ones - and, therefore, complex and interesting personalities.

i also dislike that when non-gryffindor characters - especially slytherins - do reveal themselves to be brave and loyal etc., instead of recognising that this is because bravery can be multi-faceted the series suggests that they should be recategorised as "belonging" to a "good" house.

or, in other words, me and dumbledore's "i think we sort too soon" line in deathly hallows are enemies for life.

i hate that the series blames merope gaunt for dying

and - of course - the main way a villain isn't allowed as much complexity as a hero is that the series never examines the impact of voldemort's childhood on his adult self. while we see hints throughout canon of just how profoundly affected he is by his institutionalised childhood and the weight of his grief over his parents [his mother especially] - such as him learning as a baby never to cry for attention because it's futile - this is hand-waved away throughout the series by dumbledore-as-the-voice-of-god as irrelevant. the eleven-year-old tom riddle is straightforwardly evil, that he grows up in an orphanage is used as nothing more than narrative colour to underline how creepy he is, and dumbledore's spectacular mishandling of their relationship is viewed by the series as undeniably correct right up to the very last moment [when harry imitates dumbledore by - and we should call it what it is - deadnaming voldemort in their final confrontation].

but the most egregious thing that dumbledore does when discussing the course voldemort's life takes is blame merope gaunt for her own death in childbirth, by implying that witches are immune to one of the most common causes of death throughout human history if they just try hard enough and then saying that a nineteen-year-old girl whose life appears to have been nothing more than unrelenting abuse and misery [perpetuated both against her and by her] lacked the moral fibre to try hard enough.

and this infuriates me.

i hate how the series treats female characters who don't fit its narrow spectrum of "correct" womanhood

merope is but one victim of the series' general issues with treating women who aren't its heroes - all of whom are exactly feminine and beautiful and clever and talented enough that we know they're good people, but not any of these things in an extreme which could make them vapid or arrogant or defiant of social norms or so on.

the series takes a very low view of women who exist outside of narrow boxes - whether they are interested in a hyper-feminine aesthetic [lavender brown, rita skeeter] or a more masculine one [marge dursley]; conform to stereotypes about being bitchy, flighty, or vapid [pansy parkinson, romilda vane] or refuse to adhere to social expectations to be polite, meek, and demure [fleur delacour]; are unmarried, are not inherently maternal, and/or are cruel to children [bellatrix lestrange; petunia dursley; dolores umbridge]; are unrestrained emotionally [cho chang; moaning myrtle] and so on. and i don't like it.

and i also hate that - connected to this - the series uses physical appearance - especially weight - as a shorthand for [female] characters we're supposed to dislike.

what it says on the tin, really - if the series doesn't like a character, especially if the character is a woman, you can almost guarantee that they will either be fat or be unusually thin.

and finally...

i hate that the series prioritises one form of love - love as suffering and as sacrifice - over all others

part of the series' march towards the epic two-person showdown between good and evil is that harry is made to endure trial after trial - including his death for the salvation of mankind - in the name of love. obviously this is because he becomes, by the end of deathly hallows an allegory for christ, but it also fits into the series' view - articulated most frequently by dumbledore - that love, suffering, and sacrifice are all synonyms.

the acts of love the series foregrounds - snape's willingness to endure anything because of his love for lily; sirius' willingness to rot in azkaban and caves and grimmauld place because of his love for james and harry; harry giving up a love that's like "someone else's life" with ginny so he can go die - are all sacrificial, and the series generally takes a dull view of love that is fluffy, silly, carnal, selfish, soothing, transformational and so on. lavender and bellatrix's open adoration of their lovers is mocked; dumbledore's sexual desire for grindelwald is punished by his sister's death; tonks and lupin's uncomplicated happiness in the birth of their son is not to last.

but happy endings and silly jokes and forehead kisses are love too. and the hill i will die on is that they have even more potential to bring about the salvation of the world than constant suffering and abiding.

#asks answered #asenora on canon

[himejoshikomaeda]

i like that youtube has randomly started recommending videos with less than a thousand views on my home page, but sometimes it just makes me feel a really pronounced sadness seeing a person that doesn't have very many views on their youtube videos, even though most people on earth don't have very many views on their youtube videos (or youtube videos at all). i want you to succeed... i want you to find your audience...

i clicked on a person's channel that i found through this recommendation and there was a video where they were splitting a watermelon that had spoiled to let off steam after being scolded multiple times at work. and for some reason, it just made me sad. i wish that person's boss wouldn't scold them at work. it's mean to make people feel that way. everyone is trying... and jobs are really just... so terrible... so why make it worse? anyway, the watermelon wasn't even really in frame. but that's because they set up the camera by the watermelon after talking about their day. they couldn't see the frame, so they didn't know.

maybe "sadness" isn't the right word to describe how i feel when i get these little looks into strangers' lives, but it's close. it's more like... i'm taken by a sudden awareness that what i'm looking at is an animal. it's just an animal that wants to live. an animal that wants to be happy. an animal that deserves to be happy... in my opinion, happiness is the birthright of any living creature. we are brought into this world no matter whether we wanted to be or not, so shouldn't it at least be pleasant? animals are cute...

sometimes, a cynical part of my brain tries to say "well, you know, they could be transphobic or something" in a uselessly weird attempt at divorcing myself from the sadness i feel when i look into strangers' lives. like, see, you don't need to feel the inherent empathy of walking the same earth as this person, because they might hate you for something you can't control! wouldn't that be awful? ...but it doesn't work. why would it? in the first place, i don't want to live my life assuming that everyone i don't know hates me, just because it's common to hate me.

i hope things get better for that person. and for everyone else. it'd be nice if things just got better for everyone.

#☕

[jeannefostergoriot]

I hate it here x Fitz Vacker (12/16 years old)

“Quick, quick, tell me something awful, like you are a poet trapped inside the body of a finance guy” is the friendship with Keefe, as both their life are abnormal, and they find pretty ways to word it better. To make themselves breathe easier.

“Tell me all your secrets, all you’ll ever be is my eternal consolation prize”: all the Foxfire girls turning around him cause he’s handsome and a Vacker, while not understanding him, and this popularity being like a consolation prize for all the pressure he puts on himself, all the weirdness of living between the worlds.

“You see I was a debutante in another life but now I seem to be scared to go outside”: he was seen as king of teenage, king of school, and then, after book 2, he can’t go outside, he can’t get in life, he screams his anger whenever, his friend has been kidnapped, his father’s mind broke, and it may have been temporary but it scarred him.

“If comfort is a construct, I don’t believe in good luck”: being a Vacker. He knows he has privileges, but he doesn’t really feel them in any other way than pressure.

“Now that I know what’s what, I hate it here”: with the story unraveling, all the secrets hidden by the Council, learning all the flaws, now Fitz probably feels like the Lost Cities are less shiny as they seemed when he was a child sent away.

“So I will go to secret gardens in my mind”: before finding Sophie, the Forbidden Cities may have been such a haven, like there, he was a kid, learning about life, on a secret mission but without the prestige of his family name. Now, it’s in his mind only.

“People need a key to get to, the only one is mine”: the fact that he doesn’t trust easily, that he won’t open up.

“I read a book about it in a book when I was a precocious kid”: maybe he read the book. But he probably read a lot as escapism, and human books to learn about them. And he was precocious. Manifested very early.

“I’m there most of the year cause I hate it here”: he goes to the Forbidden Cities. He isn’t “here”, in the Lost Cities.

“My friends used to play a game where we would pick a decade we wished we could live instead of this”: used to cause the second Sophie arrived, he can’t play anymore. And he’d pick any other time just to not be himself.

“ I’d say the 1830’s but without all the racists and getting married for the highest bid”: he is basically living that. It’s not racism but there is discrimination he grew conscious of, and there is the matchmaking…

“Everyone would look down cause it wasn’t fun now”: we tend to get annoy at him cause apparently he ruins things. But he points things out too. He is embarrassing.

“Seems like it was never even fun back then”: I doubt he has ever had fun in his life. He’s been on a mission since he was SIX. And he daydreams it.

“Nostalgia is a mind-trick, if I’d been there, I’d hate it”: till being re-integrated in the Lost Cities cause he can now follow classes normally, but still, he doesn’t fit with his image, he hates it everywhere.

“It was freezing in the palace”: about how Everglen can feel, it’s a palace and sure, they love each other, but they put such high standards, it’s cold.

“I hate it here so I will go to, lunar valleys in my mind”: he goes in himself when he can’t breathe. He paints the light in his brain.

“When they found a better planet”: the idea, again, that he feels trapped in this world.

“Only the gentle survived”: he wish for gentleness

“I dreamed about it in the dark, the night I felt like I might die”: so. Yeah. He probably gets very anxious in the middle of the night for anything, during the mission, and even after. Worries about not finding Sophie. About something going wrong. About the way he is perceived. About everything really.

“I’m lonely but I’m good, I’m bitter but I swear I’m fine”: no one really knows him deep down, except Keefe, and they get separated about Sophie. So it’s lonely. He is bitter, he is angry, but he still puts up a pretty facade, he still pretends, cause he has to in order to hold on.

“I’ll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I’ll get lost on purpose”: 12/13 yo. Lost in between worlds he doesn’t really belong. Losing himself in one to not face the other. Hiding how he is inside.

“This place made me feel worthless”: he thinks he’s never enough cause he doesn’t hear “I’m proud of you” enough, cause he plays a role, he has to be the golden child, or at least act like it.

“Lucid dreams like electricity, the current flies through me and in my fantasies, I rise above it”: the lucid dreams are the only thing he has real control upon, but for the real life, he is drowning, trying to keep things in order with the world collapsing.

“And way up there, I actually love it”: the hope to find his place someday.

#kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #fitz vacker #i hate it here #taylor swift #the tortured poets department #yeah I love Fitz #and songs #so I’ll make it fit #Spotify

[shittyelfwriter]

ALRIGHTY here we are at weeks three and four for the santa clauses series! I did not rewatch a second time because genuinely, these melted my brain. anyway, lets get into it below the cut!

So apparently according to the tsc tag, episode 3 that I missed last week is a sort of filler episode? OH BROTHER REALLY

Normally I would not complain bc I miss old format, 20-23 episode series but because I know this Isn't That? DREAD. how are you going to plot well and good in 7-8eps if some are filler? that is just SO condensed, my guy

Counterpoint to people who were sad about it but: I thought the teen romance was annoying and I'm GLAD they ended it even JUST for a bit (it will come back to haunt again, trust. It’s a disney series ffs.) Whoever is writing this needs to ask a teen about how they talk nowadays. This is not it.

I also think we're driving the whole "Buddy is terrible at everything" punchline WAY past its breaking point. Which I would argue was last season entirely, but. At the very latest, last episode with how heavy on cringe it was. Yes, EVEN for kids/teens.

Again, they are not antagonizing Magnus Antas enough for me to hate him. waaaaay too funny to be a villain. I can't take him seriously and DON'T want to

The way that Noel keeps sideyeing the Betty cutout as if to say "do you see this shit?" during his brunch with the Clauses SENT me tbh. That's bernelle coded and I love it

I do not know why Disney gets OFF on the Clauses being absolutely inept parents but I wish they would stop

SHOUTOUT JUDY OMG JUDY'S ACTRESS THAT’S JUDY JUDY IS HERE YOU GUYS (SCREAMINGGGG)

LOVING the exterior shots of the workshop and Elfsburg. As someone who has POURED over all available screenshots from the movies of those I am LIVING for new angles (even though I do NOT think bernelle would live that close to the Workshop, but it doesn't seem like Betty and Noel can POOF like Bman and Elle can (and do))

I don't know why there are TWO instances of a "misspoken turn of phrase" in this episode but neither were funny and TWO OF THEM was REALLY bad

CHUBBY BUNNY DID NOT EXIST THAT LONG AGO. NOT IN MAGNUS ANTAS' TIME. THAT WAS AN INTERNET FAD LESS THAN TEN YEARS AGO. WHAT ARE WE DOING DUDE. WHAT ARE THESE WRITERS ON (it's not good, I don't want some)

Crossing guard callback? For what? (okay, shrug I GUESS dot meme)

Why does this specific franchise always have to make EB SO WEIRD. WHY. Nothing about this is funny it's just off-putting. Just like the previous EB flirting with Carol's MARRIED MOM in tsc3

This Carol and La Befana scene was actually very good. LOVE it when they actually just let the characters be HONEST with each other. Women supporting women core. Even if Carol's reason for being mad at her was really shallow and obviously stems form Carol's lack of identity as Mrs. Claus because they just cannot wrap that plot point from last season up.

THE LETTERS DEPARTMENT. It looks dope but HATE the explanation for it. Half assed as hell. WARNING! Rant incoming: like from what I know a LOT of postal services have little lore stories about how they get the letters to Santa. WHY COULDNT WE JUST SAY THERE ARE AGREEMENTS BETWEEN SANTA AND OTHER ADULT PEOPLE WHO KEEP THE SPIRIT ALIVE FOR OTHERS AS WELL? Why is this series so obsessed with making everything only powered by magic and never by others (yes, humans) who want to keep the spirit alive as well? It feels like magic is being used as an "explain it all away" crutch narratively. Even in season 1, the "solution" to mass consumerism wasn't for people to be kind to each other and do little things to keep the magical parts of Christmas alive, it was to show the world that magic was real. Season 2 so far, the answer to everything is also just magic. I'm hoping that maybe the B plot with Kris will touch on this. Because as it stands right now, it feels like the writers are talking out of both sides of their mouth. Commercial Christmas is bad, but Kris is a loser for having a Santa theme park. Like?? Homogenization of Christmas is the Big Bad at large, but also up at the Pole they are trying to find ways to do the same thing to be "current". CHRISTMAS IS MULTIFACTED. It is both secular and religious! That is OKAY, I don't even think "woke" people are arguing about that. Sheesh.

Can't believe I'm micro rambling IN my ramble post. New achievement unlocked omg

The way Magnus Antas picks up on modern slang so quickly practically puts Scott to shame. Good for him

AGAIN, the misturn of phrase jokes. DEAD. Not funny. STOP

If they are going to make Sandra so op that she can just Wanda Maximoff chaos magic "I just say something when I'm mad and it happens, anything I want with no negative impact on me" I will not find that swag. That is in fact Mary Sue territory, lads

Sandra's little outburst @ La Befana was giving magical nepo baby for a moment there. Oof. "Too bad I'm just naturally more skilled than you even though I'm new and you've been a witch forever" girl SHUT. UP. You are like a little baby. Also that is so mad disrespectful like no WONDER La Befana is wanting you to slow tf down. You fly off the handle WAY to easily and we ALL know you lose control when you do! Okay loose cannon! Werk!

Riley. Girl. "we never see each other" you were just up at the Pole?? Like. OFTEN?? This is so stupid of a breakup but they are teenagers so go off kids, be dysfunctional or what have you. Rah rah, as Jack would say

Episode four now, lord help us. God has cursed me for my (loving this one Christmas movie series) hubris and my work (watching it's hellish series spin off) is never finished

"Reversing a transformation is never a guarantee" what is this La Befana? the Sims? Sounds like transformation ray odds. Magic is not THAT unpredictable, even by in-universe logic

CURTIS-ITIS!??? CURTIS FUCKING EXPLODED??

ARE YOU SO FUCKING FR RN. SO BERNARD IS MARRIED TO A SENIOR CITIZEN AND CURTIS. FUCKIN VAPORIZED?? FROM STRESS? WHAT'S NEXT? Lemme guess, Judy joined the circus. Quintin is a crypto investor or works for Tesla. WHAT ARE WE D O I N G

Not Scott moving the scissors like he's afraid Buddy will shank him or others?? SIR

SANDMAN AHHHHHHHHHH HELLO SIR /POS :D

So they just con him? As though that's a long term solutio-- OH MY GOD NOT SCOTT USING SANDMAN'S SAND ON SANDMAN HIMSELF?? that's ILLEGALE?? According to tsc3 lore: "We legendaries can't use magic on each other?" I am so bewildered by the level of retcon occurring before my very eyes at BREAKNECK speed

Sandra doesn't need magic she needs THERAPY for her ANGER ISSUES bruh. Damn. She doesn't need a rage room (in someone's house too I might add? okayyyy) she needs to learn to process like a normal human being wtf

Scott being able to look like his normal self whenever he wants and they just didn't tell him? For like. 25 years? Like its clear that by the series standards, the elves think he's a total moron. But it pendulums hard and fast between "haha funny joke" and "damn they really think he ain't shit, huh"

Edie being a fashion diva is such a serve she's grown on me this season ngl

"I had to teach him how to do all the Legendaries jobs" Scott I know you're waffling, absolutely FUMBLING but what the FUCKKKKK is that excuse??? What's Cal going to do? Be EVERY Legendary? TERRIBLE AWFUL HATE IT UNINSPIRED. Not to mention, SOME OF THE OTHER LEGENDARIES MIGHT NOT TAKE THAT NEWS WELL. Some might even feel THREATENED

"The man I die for in my sleep every night" UM? Noel? You okay there bud? Holy heck

THE PURPLE JACKET IS SWAG AND SCOTT IS A HATER. HE CANNOT SEE THE VISION

Do you guys think according to this new lore Edie made Jack's suit? because me thinks PERHAPS

Magnus Antas is kind of popping off, damn. Like I think if the gnomes hadn’t given him MAJOR delusions of grandeur and an ego trip, he could have stayed totally a vibe. But stop giving the Santas snow powers and reconning Jack holy SHIT dude. First Scott now him? HATE IT

The way they made Scott and Cal look when "invisible" is Not a Good Look heck. Its like a bad picsart filter

These Scott visions. I get why, its through the Santa magic, right? But dang its corny

So Scott knows Magnus Antas is back now. Okay. They got away from him. Lost visual on Olga, have a bad feeling she somehow sneaked into the sleigh. Weird cliffhanger but EVERY episode has been like that so far

Final thoughts: I feel like they're definitely trying to make this season take itself less seriously, but I feel like the trade off is that the writers are taking too many liberties for diversions from source material and are therefore, losing the plot entirely and retconning movie lore at will and convenience. Tl;dr, it's messy. Concepts are fun until things just become so irreverent they fall apart or lean into entirely unfunny territory. Which is just a hallmark of T*m All*n brand humor, tee em, but you know.

It feels like this series is doing everything and nothing. It wants woke points, but immediately doubles back and makes fun of those same things. It wants us to feel empathy for these characters, and immediately makes them insufferable. I am so confused as to what the takeaway is supposed to be. It all feels so poorly executed--the series retcons itself constantly, not to mention the movies. I want it to be fun, and to take it at surface value, but if you know literally anything about the movies, that becomes a challenge to do. I'm just so confused dude.

I will be shocked if this gets a third season. Truly.

Also, I miss Betty too, Noel. Wish this whole season was about HER shenanigans, instead.

So. See you all next week then?

#coping is our number one skill in this household huh #don't get me wrong! thrilling to have new tsc content to talk about but at WHAT COST #ana liveblogs tscs #I am also nearing a point where I can safely say I hope they don't show more legendaries if this is how they are going to TREAT THEM #tscs spoilers #the santa clauses

[ghostinthegallery]

tagged by @sarnakhwritesthings, fanfic writers 20 questions!

How many works do you have on AO3?

5! With more on the way.

What's your total AO3 word count?

160,802 but the vast majority of that is for one fic 🤣

What fandoms do you write for?

Warhammer 40k. It's just the perfect storm of stuff I love, stuff I hate enough to fix, and narrative threads underutilized enough that I can pick them up like a crow stealing shiny objects.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Lmao, I only have five but in order they are:

The Silence and the Storm- my magnum opus, my child born of spite, the title was too good to pass up, me just writing a novel with necrons because no one can stop me and also some of the robots kiss 💀

Some Inconvenient Insight- I finished the Ghazghkull book and needed to see what would happen if I threw Makari the lucky grot at Trazyn. Trazyn had less fun than I did.

The Warrior- my first 40k fic! What if necron warriors were sentient and one got stranded on a world with a bunch of ad mech plus a very determined Inquisitor. I love this little story, really helped me get a feel for writing in the setting. And there's a scarab who is very cute and helpful

They Will Never Call Me Weak- Just me dipping my toe into Horus Heresy and immediately being annoyed on behalf of my guy Vulkan. So I "fixed" a scene.

Sparring Match- my most recent fic. There is not enough Twice Dead King content!! Oltyx is my child, I just want him to be happy for five seconds.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! I love my comments and chatting with folks. Letting everyone know I appreciate them ❤️

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't think any of the endings have been that angsty? I guess They Will Never Call Me Weak wins, considering the fact that the rest of Vulkan Lives probably still happens and...oof

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The Warrior, I guess, but that's just because I love the idea of accidental necron socialism

Do you get hate on fics?

Luckily not. I'm grateful that i write in a comparatively small niche of 40k, which I think helps. People here have been great!

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I've written sex scenes as part of a larger narrative. I definitely intend to write some straight up explicit stuff as well in the future. The gay robot pron calls to me.

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Not really. I think they are fun, I just haven't had an idea for one that tickles my brain enough to write. It would take a lot tbh, one thing I try really hard to do in a fic is match the tone/voice of the original work which is doubly hard in a crossover

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but I'd love that!!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope. I'm a gremlin, I gotta write alone in my cave before emerging with damp, ink stained pages.

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Trazyn/Orikan (but Obyron/Zahndrekh is close). Outside 40k I have a lot of love for Catradora. And Griddlehark

What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I refuse to leave a fic unfinished. This is my sacred vow

What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm pretty solid at characterization and dialogue. Honestly fic has been great practice for those elements I feel like I've historically been weaker at. I also think I write a mean action scene

What are your writing weaknesses?

Editing. There is not a chapter where I don't find some typo I missed or word I wish I'd fixed. I lack patience when I want to post 😭

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Not something I'd do unless I knew the language or had someone to translate. Luckily it's 40k, everyone is speaking a made up language that I write in English for convenience

First fandom you wrote for?

If we are being technical, The Chronicles of Narnia around age 7. Gotta love those early self inserts

Favorite fic you've ever written?

Don't make me choose!! I wrote them all for different reasons and I'm really satisfied with my little collection

(it's probably The Silence and the Storm)

tagging: @sixteen-juniper

#necrons #fanfic #tagging game #fanfic is fun

[aaronstveit]

I saw you talking about the gifs you were excited to make because they’d make you happy and I can def relate to knowing only a couple of people will be interested/will like my creations and yet that won’t stop me from creating them because I want to see that idea become something *concrete*. It is pretty lonely, though. Like, sometimes I trick myself into thinking I won’t care nobody will like something I’ve made and then it happens and it really gets to me. Especially because I wish I could share it with someone. The enthusiasm, my creative process, etc.

My hiperfixation has tired the friends of mine who know about it, since I’ve had the same one for years. So it’s not new to me, I struggle to accept this lonely/rejecting feeling, but I accept it (most of the time).

What’s been making me really sad lately though is that whenever I create something to gift to someone, their reaction to it is very… underwhelming. I feel like I see in my art something others don’t see. I mean, maybe my drawings aren’t actually good and my stories aren’t really moving to others? Maybe I’m only good at it in my head, and whenever I want to surprise someone with a portrait or comment with them about fics I’ve been working on and stories I wish they’d like, I get to see what I make through someone else’s eyes and… it happened this week again, twice, and it devastated me. Because it’s not the same person, a lot of people have reacted the same way. So I’m always putting my heart into these creations and giving people pieces of my soul for them to look at it and not say anything in return. To treat it like it’s nothing, like it doesn’t mean anything to them. To not even tell me if they’ve read what I wrote, let alone talk to me about it. It’s like my best is not only not enough, it’s less than ordinary to those around me.

I don’t know how to live with this feeling, I know you’re very kind and pretty good at giving advice so I wanted to ask your opinion, or what would you do if you were in my shoes?

Sending you love xxx

hi anon, first of all i'm sorry for the late answer, i meant to reply last night but i'm sick right now and getting my brain to put words in a functional order is. a task.

i am really sorry that you have those experiences :( sharing your art with someone is one of the most intimate and personal experiences you can share with a person and when you're just sort of written off, that is genuinely one of the worst feelings in the world. and it's so natural to want to share your art with others, even if you made it for an audience of one (yourself). art is an extension of who we are. of course we want others to see it and to love it.

i want you to know that your art is good. i don't have to see it to know that. your art is good just by definition of being yours. your art is something that wasn't in the world and now it is, because of you and you only. that is amazing! you created something that only you are capable of, and that is nothing less than a miracle.

i wish that your friends would tell you all of this and would appreciate your art. you deserve friends who love the things you make, who get excited about them, who support your art and all your ideas. i hate that they make you think that you and the things you create aren't enough. you & your art will always be enough, even if some people can't see that.

i hope you can find a community that appreciates you & your art and makes you feel extraordinary, because that's what you are. this is some pretty hilarious advice coming from me, the world's first and foremost discord coward, but i really recommend finding or creating a discord server for your fandom. post about it on tumblr, invite people who seem interested, and really try to make it an environment where everyone feels good sharing their art & engaging with each other's.

i wish i could offer you better advice. you really, really deserve to be able to share your work with people who are just as excited about it as you are, even more. you deserve better friends than people who make you question if the things you make are even good. and you deserve people who love and appreciate and treasure the art that you make for them. you put your heart and soul into it, and you deserve the same energy back. i'm sending you lots and lots of love, i hope your experiences get better ♡ you are always welcome to come talk to me about your art and your hyperfixations, even if we don't share the fandom! 🫶🏻

#thank you <3 #anonymous #answered #love letters only💛

[blindedbythedarkness]

Man everything just feels so shit. I mean it IS so shit. Life is an utter dystopia and I'd like to say I can't imagine it getting any worse, but I'm sure it'll find a way.

This is just statewide eugenics and mass murder now. It's not even safe to seek healthcare. It's so incredible to me how we got to this point- I honestly half expect people to point out the hidden cameras any moment because surely so many people can't be this stupid?

That's what they are. Stupid. I'm not supposed to say that outloud or on any of the social media where I'm even halfway identifiable. It wouldn't be "nice" or "professional". But these people are stupid, selfish, inhumane, single brain-celled, murderous cunts. And that only goes about halfway to describing them. I never thought I could hold so much sustained hate for so many people, but it just keeps growing. I fantasize about hurting every one of them, to be quite honest- they have no qualms with actually hurting me.

Unlike most mass murdering-type scenarios I've heard about, in this case I can't even fantasize about moving away from it. Where would I go? More or less the whole western world has become like this (thank you Great Barrington Declaration etc etc) and I have no idea how I'd even begin to learn the language in the few good places left.

The only way out of this is through, if I'm lucky enough to survive that long. Time is the only parameter that might offer any kind of relief, since location seems off the table. Small steps are being made, I'm pushing some of them myself (though I can't really talk about them publicly), but its slow progress. It feels like one step forwards, two steps back. Maybe there'll be a better vaccine? Maybe places will properly clean the air? Maybe enough people will realise they hate getting sick enough to wear a mask? Maybe a whole new pandemic will arise and it'll be so bad that the protections from that will wipe out SARS2 in the process? Either way, more people are gonna die and worse in the meantime.

I really am so deep in depression now. It's not even depression, it's survival mode. It's just constant stress from constant threats to my existence, sometimes even without stepping out the front door. It feels like PTSD waiting to happen, only I wish it would happen because then at least we'd be "Post". I just feel totally numb and lonely and just in total despair. The pain and lumb in my chest never goes away. I'd say I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, but what choice do I have?

I'm so ready for this to be over. Properly, really, truly over. I'll never forget what people did and likely never forgive. But to be able to live a life feeling actually truly safe would be a dream. I long to be able to have the emotional capacity again to actually just feel happy.

I saw a post on here not long ago that said something like "'this too shall pass' but I really wish it'd pass a bit quicker". That is entirely the mood right now.

#mental health #grief #chronic illness #trauma #covid #pandemic #ptsd #long covid #chronic pain #grieving #mourning #loss #wear a mask #covid isnt over #covid is airborne #covid19 #plague island #endurance

[callmemars17]

Falling in love

I think I was 6 the first time I fell in love We met in the playground And I don´t remember what you were wearing but you say I was wearing a red dress with teddy bears I wish I remembered I hate that my brain remembers everything single unimportant thing, I remember every damned conversation I’ve had in my life, But I don’t remember what you wore when I met you. I remember you being kind, and smiling, and taller than me, and how you were so easy to befriend. I remember your blond hair, exactly the same color as mine, and I remember your baby face.

I don´t remember falling out of love with you.

I loved you when we were 12. I loved you when we were sleeping in the same tiny bunk bed on that school trip, When we giggled, and our noses touched, and our teacher told us to be quiet. Do you think the teacher is still awake? Yes, I´m awake. Giggles, always so many giggles. We rode the same rollercoast two times. I think I remember us holding hands. I think I fell in love with a boy somewhere along the way.

We were 14 and maybe I didn’t fall in love with him, Maybe I fell in love with the ideia that he liked me. But then I didn´t love the way that he liked to touch me when I didn’t want him to, Where I didn’t want him to, And how he always said sorry after. And you told me I was too good for that. And then I should’ve fallen in love with this other boy, Who was so kind, and so respectful, and too good to be true. But I didn’t, because I was in love with you, And you were in love with some other tall, nice boy.

I was still 14 and still in love with you, Still too young to really appreciate how easy it was to talk to you, How rare that is, How I would never meet someone again who made me fell like that. Confortable, Heard, Safe. I always say I can’t really talk to people because I’m to shy. I always felt like I could talk to you. I was always in love with you.

We were still 14, close to 15 now. Still on the same bed, on a different school trip. I held your hand on the plane because you hated the take off, and the landing too. I remember switching seats to sit next to you on that plane. I was supposed to be sat next to that too good boy, I would rather just hold your hand. I remember the tears because September meant a new school, New friends, more classes, less you. I have so many memories I couldn’t write them all in all the paper in the world. Instead I drew little snails on all your notebooks. I was so in love with you.

I was still in love with you when we were 19. We basically never saw each other, we were to busy, You were learning to sculpt even though you preferred drawing, And I was leaning to stitch other people’s fingers but never my own heart. We met up and it was summer, And you were late and I would’ve waited for you forever. And you looked so pretty, And we talked for hours, About our lives, and love, and queerness, and how scared I am to just be me.

And then I think I fell in love with some boy in university, And he was so nice, And hugged me when I had a panic attack, And I felt like he saw me. It fizzled out quick, because he didn’t love me back, And I loved my memories of you more.

We’re 21 now. We never see each other. We talk sometimes. The last time I saw you we were on a public transport, And I was dead on my feet because I hadn’t slept well, And I was too tired to really talk to you about real things. I wish I had slept well that night. The last time we talked was when you answered my insta story, And you said my dress was so beautiful. Some time before that, you had said that we should meet up some time, I said I couldn’t wait! I´m still waiting.

And I know you have a girlfriend, And you look so happy, And I´m so happy for you.

I´m just sad for me, Cause it’s my fault I’ve always been too scared, And you've always been so brave. But I loved you, And I think I always will.

#falling in love #queerness #poetry #ill always be a little in love with you #or maybe a lot

[borrowmyshovel]

A long, dramatic rant on why i no longer identify as trans

In this blog, I have talked a lot about being trans, but never in a personal way. It's always been "we" and "trans people" and "trans men's experiences", never really my own. I'm gonna talk about that now.

For me, being trans comes with an everpresent paranoia about my own presentation. Do I look masc enough? Is even a single person, even for a second gonna look at me and see a man? Am I too masc? Am I gonna get clocked by the wrong people? Am I gonna pass as a queer man, and invite the dangers that come with that?

There's an entire simulated council of cis people living in my brain, judging me constantly, and I always fall short. But there's also The Trans Community. I want their approval so much more desperately. i want queer people to look at me and see someone like themselves. I want to be recognised.

I've been out for three years now. Most of that time was spent in quarantine. In that time, I have been consistently misgendered, by friends and family and doctors and teachers and random people in the street. And it hurts. It makes me feel bad. I am suicidal, and have been for a long time. I won't be killing myself, because I know full well what name is gonna be on my tombstone. But somedays even that doesn't seem to matter.

In those three years, and even the ones that came before, I have never been victim to a hate crime. I have never been beaten, sexually assualted, kicked out of my home, discriminated against, disowned, or attacked by police for being trans. What I've been through is, by comparison, nothing. It's baby shit, that as a man in my late twenties i should have outgrown by now.

When I came out to a psychologist, she told me that was absurd. She said I looked like a woman. When I came out to my parents, they told me I wasn't a man and they could never address me as such. When I came out to some friends, they pointed out parts of my appearance they saw as feminine and continued to adress me as a woman. I've cut out the psychologist and those friends - I can't exactly cut out my family.

I look less feminine now. I cut my hair shorter, I've let my facial hair and body hair grow, I shop mostly at the men's section. My parents still misgender me. Most people still misgender me. It still hurts. The Trans Community says: feeling bad isn't the same as oppression. The Trans Community says: you can't go around looking like a woman and throw a fit when people address you as a woman.

I can't really argue with that. I'm tired of arguing. I'm just tired. Y'all are right. What I've been through is nothing. The misgendering is nothing. The suicidal ideation growing in the back of my brain like mold since my teens is nothing. That's baby difficulty shit. And I'm the world's most pathetic man for not being able to take it.

When I first came out, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would not take conditional acceptance. I promised that I would transition for me, not anyone else. I promised that when/if I reached that mythical point of respectable transness, I wouldn't look back on whose first few awkward steps into masculinity and join in with everyone saying I just looked like a girl. Because I was fucking terrified of my own future self rejecting me, of my own future self siding with people who would call me, as I was then, just a woman.

I can't keep living like this. I can't let myself go to a place where I'm wishing for discrimination just so I can feel validated in being A Real Trans. I won't be stomping on my past self's face to prove how much more of a Real Trans I am now. I can't keep fighting to fit myself under a label that just doesn't feel like it describes me.

I'm just out. I'm taking an indefinite break from this whole trans thing for my own mental health. I'm going to the beach, painting my nails, wearing all the dangly earrings I couldn't let myself wear lest I lose the esteem of my own brain police. I'm just gonna be a dude who gets mistaken for a woman a lot. I don't need to be anything else.

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

The Internet is getting worse every day and i hate it. I'd rather go out and have friendships with people in real life. With people i can see and hug and eat with.

But spaces to do that are dwindling and people i can enjoy spending time around often prefer to spend time together online.

If i didn't have to work so much (40hrs/week is a lot!) for my living, I'd build and maintain social sites for fun. I think it would be cool and also it would feel good to facilitate a nice space for people. I feel like there are plenty of nerds who feel the same.

But i do have to work so much, which means if I'm putting my brain to work i want to be paid for it because the amount i can output ever week is limited and after 40 hours I'm almost completely spent. And i have a family and friends and hobbies and stuff i also want to give attention and energy to.

I wish we didn't have to work so much. Maybe if i didn't work so much I'd have more energy to bear the anxiety i experience when i go into social situations (and the more i bear that anxiety the less intense it becomes, so i can do it more). If i didn't work so much maybe i wouldn't feel like my life is nearly spent when I'm not even 30 yet. Maybe i could have meaningful connections, do normal 20s things, develop skills and have hobbies. Maybe i could overcome my fears and hangups. Maybe i could learn to do some good in my community, put down roots and learn from people who are older than me who have lived fulfilled lives. Maybe i could lend more of my time to helping my neighbors.

I really want to be involved. I believe in strong communities, i believe that fulfillment can come in any and every stage of life, i believe in doing things that are nice for the sake of it, i believe that given the opportunity people would build beautiful and useful things for free. But we don't have time or energy for any of that. Because we're working.

And what can you do about that? Some people at my work have pushed for a 4-day workweek but execs aren't willing to consider it - and why?? It would literally be better for everyone. Everyone in the department i left just over a year ago is burned all the way out. What right does work have to ruin your mental health? Why do people find grind culture so alluring?

The other day someone at my work got recognized for excellence in their role. Someone praised them for working even while they were sick, to the point that they were on a call and muting themselves to throw up, then unmuting to continue the call. That's not typical at my workplace at all, nor is it expected thank goodness, but the fact that they were even praising that disgusted me. They should have ordered her to get offline and go throw up in peace until she felt better. How can you see that as anything but dystopic? Someone's putting work above her literal health and that's not ok at all.

Exponential growth is just so unnatural. Like it's cool if you have a big market and you grow a lot for a while. But why do you need to be growing year over year? Is it not enough to maintain? People talk about plateauing like it's a bad thing, but if you've got a good thing going, really genuinely why do you have to look for ways to Make More Money With It? Can't you find fulfillment in the fact that you've provided a service people like and are using?

Like if you were the CEO of Twitter, that would suck for a lot of reasons, but it would also be nice knowing you provided a platform where lots of people learn new perspectives, get news quickly and form communities that sometimes even go on to become real life friends. That's super cool. Why is business always about profit and never about people primarily?

It's Friday. It's been a long week. Instagram just showed me ads between someone's posts that i was scrolling through - they've never done that before. I'm just tired of it all. The counterfeit world in my pocket makes it harder to go engage with the actual world outside my own 4 walls. Ugh.

#ramble #long post #capitalism sucks #capitalism #tw vomit

[the-blind-assassin-12]

Mando season 3... sigh. Sadly, I'm beginning to lose interest. The story seems disjointed, and the production value feels like it's diminished in quality.

I'm having difficulty suspending my belief. For example, the location of the covert. It looks like they're in the middle of nowhere. There are dangerous beasts all over the place, so why are they still there? Why did they save those baby monsters if they're only going to turn into more dangerous predators? It looks like no one has a ship, so how are they getting supplies? Where are they getting gas to fire forge? Practicalities like these are knocking me out of the narrative.

Also, the fact that Favreau said there's no end in site concerns me because shows seem to lose quality over time when there isn't a plan. The words "jump the shark" come to mind.

I'll keep watching, but I miss being excited for a new episode to drop each week. In fact, I haven't watched the latest episode and am in no hurry to do so.

Hi Michelle!! 😀 I was so happy to see you pop up in my inbox! I hope you’re doing well, lovely!! Thanks for swinging by with this!!

I’m sorry that you’re not enjoying this season as much as the previous ones. It seems like you’re not alone - I have seen quite a few people expressing less than favorable opinions on what’s going on with s3 - but that’s still unfortunate, and I hope that the remaining episodes give you and others more to enjoy about it!

That being said, I’m actually really liking this season so far, which probably (maybe?) isn’t what you were expecting me to say, but here we are. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But let’s talk about the things you brought up. Going under the cut to avoid spoilers for anyone who doesn’t want to see them:

I’m gonna start by saying that I do agree that the production value feels a little diminished. I’m wondering if it’s because of bigger budgets on other SW shows (I’m thinking Andor & Ahsoka- which I have HIGH hopes for), and them banking on the fact that the Mandalorian series already has a large fan base. It doesn’t feel (to me at least) as diminished as the production value of BOBF felt (that low speed chase on 50s era mopeds was … a choice), but I’ll agree that it feels like a half step down from seasons 1 & 2.

The only thing I personally have had a hard time with as far as the storytelling/disjointedness goes, was the way that the Pershing episode was structured. It was 5 minutes of Din/Bo/Grogu, and then a whole chunk of Pershing and the least trustworthy character in all of star wars, and then another 6 minutes of Din/Bo/Grogu. I didn't hate that we got some info on what was going on on that side of things - I have theories about where they're going with Elia Kane and all of that, and they were strengthened by some details in the latest episode - but I wish they had structured the storytelling differently by sort of breaking it up and sprinkling it into the rest of the episodes.

As far as the covert being in the middle of nowhere goes, it’s entirely possible that at least one other Mando has a ship, and it’s hidden. I always assumed that their tunnels and caves on Nevarro were more expansive than what we ever actually saw - Din at one point says he’s not familiar with a certain section of them, which made me think they were LARGE and possibly even connected to other tunnels where a ship (or ships) that belongs to the covert might be kept for emergencies or just to use when needed. I also recall a line (when the covert was on Nevarro) about how living in the shadows means only one can go out at a time for secrecy and safety, and that made me think that it’s not just Din who comes and goes off world, that others do, too if or when they need to. It’s also possible that they had a pre-arranged backup plan, so they didn't all need to leave Nevarro together, they just had to find a way there even if it wasn't right away. But again this is all just what my brain came up with throughout the series, so I have no idea if it’s canonically correct.

The fact that there are so many dangerous beasts on that planet was probably one of the things that made it a desirable hideout - because no one in their right mind would try to settle Dino World, but Mandalorians aren't in their right minds so I get why they chose it from that perspective.

THE BABY MONSTERS!!!! Can I tell you that as soon as the mama went down I gasped and said "but the babies will die now!" And then as soon as they turned up back at the covert I was filled with relief like "oh, nevermind, they're going to be loved and cared for!" I love that they were "adopted" by the Mandalorians. For one, raising them from hatchlings will allow them to bond with the lil beasts and possibly even rely on them for battle backup like Boba did with the Rancor. Also? I just love the reiteration of how important adoption is to Mandalorians. It's a part of their belief system that they take care of any children that need taking care of, no matter who or what their parents were. "Mandalorian isn't a race, it's a Creed" extends even to beasties and I just think that's very sweet coming from a group of tin cans. (idk what the beasts are called. I've been calling them pterodactyls to fit the Dino World theme - I've seen articles and posts where people are calling them shriek hawks, but I'm pretty sure shriek hawks are smaller and have feeyethers. I could be wrong about that, though!)

*thanks, Dieter*

The "no end in sight" is admittedly concerning, but I'm choosing to believe they won't let it go beyond where it needs to. Depending on where this season ends, I think it could probably go one more. With all the tie-ins from the Clone Wars & Rebels series (which honestly, I know animation isn't everyone's jam, but Rebels was truly great, and there is a LOT of Mandalorian lore and history in that show, including stuff pertaining to the Darksaber, Bo-Katan, and Clan Vizsla, so if you're ever looking for something to watch I recommend it, or at least the episodes that concern Mandalore) that have been popping up, I'm hoping that Filoni will take good care of the rest of this story. My fingers are crossed.

I hope that you do keep watching, and I hope that you do find things to enjoy about it as it continues! I'm very much looking forward to the next episode.

Thank you again for dropping in! I know my response was probably different from what you were expecting, so I hope that's okay!

#thanks michelle! #cannedsoupsucks #cannedsoupsucks is an absolute gem #the mandalorian #the mandalorian season 3 #mando season 3 #the mandalorian spoilers #mando spoilers #din djarin #grogu djarin #bo katan kryze #the beasts! #my hot take is that i am enjoying this season #though i do acknowledge that it feels a little different than the first two #thank you for asking! #ask me anything

[kaijuposting]

Why Raleigh Becket isn't a himbo.

So I keep seeing people calling Raleigh Becket a "himbo" with a "golden retriever personality" and y'know what... I gotta say... mmm no, no he really isn't. And I'm gonna go over some (but definitely not all) reasons why. Now before I begin, I want to make it very clear that I'm saying you have to hate the ground Raleigh Becket walks on, or that he's some kind of irredeemable monster. I'm just going to go over why he just... isn't a himbo. Like, not even remotely. Raleigh Becket is pretty self-absorbed. Raleigh Becket: I was 15 when the first Kaiju made land in San Francisco. By the time tanks, jets and missiles took it down six days and 35 miles later three cities were destroyed. Tens of thousands of lives were lost. We mourned our dead, memorialized the attack, and moved on. And then only six months later the second attack hit Manila. The movie opens with a narration from Raleigh Becket that really only makes sense if you assume he's projecting his own experience onto the rest of the world. Maybe Raleigh moved on in less than six months, but for millions of people who had everything they knew about the world violently overturned, they'd still be in shock and have tons of unanswered questions.

Himbos don't always understand what's going on with people, but it's not for lack of effort. A real himbo would have been trying to comfort the people around them, and would be well aware that many of them are still confused and hurting. A real himbo might have said something like, "A lot of people died and we all tried to move on, but it was only six months before another monster attacked Manila." Or maybe "We were told to move on, but in only six months it happened again." Raleigh Becket is way too eager to prescribe violence for interpersonal problems. Hercules Hansen: You can blame me for that one. I've raised him on my own. He's a smart kid, but I never knew whether to give him a hug or a kick in the ass. Raleigh Becket: With respect sir, I'm pretty sure which one he needs.

So, Hercules Hansen raised Chuck as a single father while serving in a war. It shouldn't be hard to figure out that Chuck might have some attachment issues and general trauma from growing up in a world where giant city-destroying monsters were an omnipresent fact of life. Nonetheless, Raleigh clearly doesn't think Chuck needs a hug - the look on his face as he says this line is one of pure contempt. Later on, he actually does kick Chuck's ass. This isn't himbo behavior. A himbo would have looked at Herc and said, "I wish my dad had hugged me more" or "things were always better after me and my dad hugged it out." A himbo might have even taken Chuck aside and said, "hey dude, I hear you're having a hard time with your dad, wanna get some burgers?"

Raleigh Becket is awfully condescending toward Mako Mori. Mako Mori: I think you're unpredictable. You have a habit of deviating from standard combat techniques. You take risks that endanger yourself and your crew. I don't think you're the right man for this mission. Raleigh Becket: Wow. Thank you for your honesty. You might be right. But one day, when you're a pilot, you're gonna see that in combat, you make decisions. And you have to live with the consequences. That's what I'm trying to do. Raleigh Becket: Okay. We're not in the simulator now, Mako. Remember, don't chase the rabbit. Random Access Brain Impulse Triggers. Memories. Just let them flow, don't latch on. Tune them out. Stay in the Drift. The Drift is silence. Raleigh Becket: All right, Mako. Get ready, this is for real!

Mako Mori is a jaeger technician (she worked on repairing Lady Danger) and engineer (she designed Lady Danger's sword), and she wants to be a pilot more than anything. Raleigh talks to her as if she's never heard of drifting before, and like she isn't already aware that fighting kaiju is hellishly risky. Also, his facial expression when talking to her is very frequently that of someone talking to a young child. This isn't himbo behavior; this is "Prince Charming when he's the villain" behavior. Real himbos are respectful, and respectful behavior includes assuming basic competence and treating adults like adults. If Raleigh had been a himbo, he would have trusted Mako to know what she was doing already. In the conn-pod he might said something more like, "Okay, gotta stay in the moment, let the memories flow by, don't chase the rabbit, don't get caught in the Random Access Brain Impulse Triggers..." while talking more to himself than Mako. Also, if Raleigh was actually a himbo, he might have responded to Mako's earlier statement about him being "unpredictable" with something like, "I know I've done things that can't be fixed, but I'm hoping I can do better this time." So yeah. Basically, Raleigh Becket isn't a himbo, and he doesn't have a "golden retriever personality." He's just blond and conventionally attractive. Ya know, kind of like this guy is:

Again, not saying that you have to look at Raleigh like he's some kind of irredeemable villain or anything, but like, stop conflating "blond and conventionally attractive" with "himbo" or "golden retriever personality."

#pacific rim #pacrim #raleigh becket #not a himbo #not a golden retriever man

[epersonae]

Tagged by @adickaboutspoons - thank you!

Rules: Go to your published works on AO3 and list the first fic you ever published there, the last fic you published, any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once, your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works, the fic you wish more people read, the fic you agonized over the most, the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort, and a work you are proud of—for whatever reason. <3

First fic - A week at a day spa, which is the first fic I ever wrote, and the first time I'd written any fiction in years. It was a bit of an experiment, right before I became completely obsessed with my rarepair. I don't love it, but I don't hate it either. I'd be tempted to take another run at that moment from another direction after everything else I've written.

Last fic - end up several worlds away, the missing scenes companion to for the benefit of all the broken hearts. I just added a chapter with Stede seeing Mary's art for the first time. At the moment, this is my only active WIP; I have a partially written chapter in GDocs that I might work on again soon.

Only fic for a fandom/ship - The dead and the living, my one and only Star Trek (TOS movies) fic. During my time between TAZ and OFMD, I got into a Star Trek Slack and we have done watch parties for a bunch of the movies. somewhere in my head/gdocs I have the start of a long heavy fic about Khan's wife, but this little piece just kind of popped into my head after we watched Star Trek III. I love Carol Marcus a lot.

Favorite fic in the fandom with the most works - Did I really write one hundred and fifty fics for The Adventure Zone????? I sure did. Obviously I have to pick The Reckoning Arrives, which is my longest fic in any fandom, the fic that Ryn and I worked so hard on, the fic that kinda saved my life. But also I was poking through some of my other TAZ fic, and there's actually quite a few of them I still love, but The Woman Who Wasn't There is a fave as far as fics that aren't in my larger continuity. (readers of for the benefit of all the broken hearts will notice a theme about bringing the wife back into the story, which I hadn't really considered until today.)

Fic I wish more people read - another one I found while poking through old TAZ fics: Don't forget to remember. NGL, it's kinda fucked up, but at least it's short? But it's just a tight little story about coping and trauma and memory, and honestly it gave me an outlet at a time when I really needed it. Of my Our Flag Means Death fics: probably the whole devil's threeway series, which is about to be completely decanonized and I'm totally okay with that. I still think I got a vibe that I'm really pleased with and it ended up being the only reunion that I've written, which I think is genuinely funny.

Fic I agonized over the most - for the benefit of all the broken hearts, which I agonized over in so many ways. both in terms of WHAT AM I EVEN WRITING HERE and in the actual work of writing (and the bonkers choice to not name the protagonist in the text), and then in the actual work of editing. I put the most effort into this of literally anything I've ever written in any medium for any purpose.

Fic that sprang fully formed - nice either way, aka the beard fic, which I wrote over the course of a single afternoon driving along the Columbia River Scenic Highway (that was a weird week). Although to be honest, I would say almost any fic less than 1000 words is likely to have sprung fully formed, especially a lot of my earlier TAZ works when I was kind of continuously writing. (Again: 150 works)

A work I'm proud of - it really does have to be for the benefit of all the broken hearts, I worked my ass off on that one and it occupied my whole brain for several months. It was a wild thing to attempt to do, both as a story and as a technical challenge, and I'm so pleased with how it turned out.

Tagging (as always, no pressure but have fun with it!) - @naranjapetrificada, @nekosd43, @gaypiratebrainrot, @mxmollusca, @oatmilktruther, @emi--rose

#tag games #my fic #my writing #did a little bit of a dive into my taz fic for the first time in a while #there's some stuff in there that I still really like! #I do associate don't forget to remember with a bad emotional incident but also with realizing I was having a time and reaching out for help #also: I really have written 604k of fic huh? 😅

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Hey.

So, it’s been a while. I have a lot less energy than I used to and I’ve found that being online is extremely bad for my already struggling brain. I’ve really struggled to keep up any connections I used to have, even though I wanted to and I felt extremely guilty for struggling so much with just talking to people. I feel like I’ve become a completely different person in the past few years. I guess I kind of outgrew Tumblr and I felt like I was a fraud when I couldn’t reach the same levels of energy and enthusiasm to behave like I used to and I felt like I didn’t belong here any more and that I was a disappointment, but I still think about all of my friends on here a lot and I’m really sorry I faded out without any explanation, it was never a deliberate choice, time just did time things and all of a sudden it’s been years and I felt too guilty and ashamed to come back, like I was being kept prisoner by my own skull raisin. I still think about you all and I hope you’re living the wonderful happy lives you all deserve and that the world is being so, so kind and gentle to you. I hope you find new happiness and love every single day. I still love all of you with my whole heart and soul and I’m really, genuinely sorry for leaving like I did, I hope none of you were worried and I hope you didn’t miss me.

A life update is that I’m doing okay, even good. My partner Josh and I are still going strong, we’re planning on getting married in the next few years, and I’ve been flying over to see them regularly (I’ll never stop being grateful that I have this opportunity.) Their apartment is yellow and we adopted a very big plush Bulbasaur son together and we cuddle until we fall asleep every night and their smile and their mind make me reach a level of happiness I genuinely did not think I was capable of and they have helped me find who I really am. Loving them is the easiest and sweetest thing I’ve ever done. I’m planning on moving overseas to be with them after we’re married (paperwork + residency reasons.) Their friends have welcomed me incredibly kindly into their group and their city is a world I want to live in and I feel like I finally know where I belong. I have finally, finally found my home.

Other updates. My pets are getting older and we lost Maudie, I still miss her and I’m scared for the others but I can’t do anything but love them. With my partner’s help I realized that I’m most likely autistic and I’m hoping to get officially diagnosed once I’ve moved, but not before, because a diagnosis could get my residency denied. I have a steady job with very nice coworkers/friends and in general I’m a lot less scared of life and I’m actually excited for the future, even though I still have very hard days, weeks, months. I have a lot more confidence and love in myself. I own a shirt with rubber duckies on it and I adore it with my whole heart. I have two tattoos named Frank and Louisa and I’m hoping to get more soon. I make very good soup. I’ve learnt to draw, I still have a long way to go but it makes me happy and it’s therapeutic and also how does lighting and shading work oh my gOD-

If anyone wants to reach me at any time, for any reason, my Discord is awshucksalright#7140. It’s one of the few sites that I don’t have a mental block with so I’m usually active on there, but I am a different person now so I understand if you don’t have a drive to, there’s no expectation. I just wanted to make a post to give closure if it was needed because just dipping like I did was super shitty and I wish I could take it back but at this point it feels too late and I don’t know if I have the energy to come back again any way. I have been lurking like a weirdo on your blogs to make sure you’re okay, I should’ve just reached out, I don’t know why I didn’t other than my brain not letting me, it felt like a wall and it still does. It was nothing any of you did, it’s just my own brain being a dick and I hate it and I wish I could change it. I don’t want any of you to think that you weren’t/aren’t important to me because you always have been and always will be. Your kindness and friendship has meant the world to me.

I don’t want to say goodbye so I’m not going to, I don’t want to close that door because I love so many of the people through it. I just hope you’re all okay and that life is treating you with all the amazing-ness that you all deserve. I hope you all feel warmly and gently hugged.

I love you. 💖💖💖🐰🐰🐰💕💕💕

#Matt speaks #I'm so sorry

[engagethelinkage]

One Year Later - Written April 24th-25th 2023

Today has marked 365 days around the sun since I stood up for myself and broke free of my relationship with [ex]. 365 days since I made a decision for the good of my own sanity for the first time in a very very long time.

A year is a long time, but also not a very long time at all. I've heard it's a decent metric for healing and progress, I'm not too sure about that. When I think of where I'm at it's plain to see that I'm a few squares behind where I was when I started dating her. I'm back to being terrified of sex and feeling unable to let anyone get close to me. Back to feeling like I don't deserve the physical contact I so deeply crave. Back to wanting to shut out the outside world and return fully to my hermitage. It's clear that my job is just a lucky break that means I can more feasibly attempt to carry on existing like this.

I know I'm not made for the real world; the world of full time work and a mortgage and 2.4 children. I'm not coded to function as just another bland cog in the machine, even though the anonymity of normality is one of my deepest desires. I was made with a series of statistical time bombs within my body and my neurochemistry that make it nearly impossible that I'll live past 40. I'd hoped to have lived some beautiful stories in those years, though tragedies are a special beauty too. As defective as I am I still had too much respect for myself to let the tragedy that was my relationship-my sentence with [ex] play out to the full beautiful ugliness of what it could've been. I considered that ending to my story; slowly giving up my hobbies and letting myself be eradicated piece by piece by the attrition of tiny constant adjustments just like her slowly taking every inch of the bed, all in exchange for physical warmth.

The truth is I really truly want to love someone again. I want to be able to open up to someone and trust them. But I don’t know if I can. It feels like I'm too broken to deserve anything other than abuse under a thin veneer of kindness. I don't know if I'm whole enough to love again knowing that if we don't break up then they'll lose me when I run out of time, or if death decides to carry on her sick joke of snatching people away from me, I lose them. My life is the one story I hated having the ending spoiled because it's made the whole journey feel empty. I wish I never knew this knowledge that has always lived in my brain, this foul truth that makes me feel undeserving of any sort of human comfort.

Last night for a split second I dreamt that I was in [ex]'s bedroom again, the fear that shot through me was enough to wake me instantly, but I still had the ghost of that terror in me. It’s the first time my own brain has pulled the eject cord during a nightmare and it was a dream about being near someone I was supposed to trust. The thing my mind fears most is being back with her, the single greatest fear I have is being back in her bed, and she was the person I chose to love and grew to resent. I told myself I'd never let a lover hurt me again. Promised myself. And here I am with another bag full of lead weights added to my baggage.

Now I truly don't know if I'll have sex again, I don't know if I'll ever be able to suppress my fear enough to trust a partner like that again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept a tender touch on my chest or a hand on my cheek. I don't know if I'll ever kiss someone again. [Ex] just drove all of my fears deeper and wrapped them in the confusion of "it's meant to feel like this". She hurt me so deeply and she gets to live in blissful ignorance of what she did to me. I have to struggle to sleep because I'm haunted by the fear I would feel walking into my own bedroom scared that she'd want another round of sex and she just gets to jump to a new partner in less than a month. It’s so fucking hard to not be bitter about it. The bitterness just becomes another recurring boil on my soul if I let it stew too long.

The bitterness doesn't last long, thankfully. I'm passed crying over her, but I can count all the new buckshot pellets she left in me.

I hope the terror fades in time, therapy is expensive. I can laugh at a lot of what she put me through now, I have to laugh at it or else I'll cry, but some things scarred me deeply. I don't know if it's possible for wounds that deep to heal on top of so much scar tissue. "A collection of stories and scars and a love for the arts" is what I called myself once. I'm also a creature that is extensively predisposed to fear, my existence is one of almost perpetual terror and my various unhealthy mechanisms of keeping it at bay; smoke another joint, recite the Litany Against Fear again, recite the futhark one more time. All to make it through the current wave of terror that paralyses my mind. She didn't put this terror in me, it's been in me for as long as I've lived, she just gave it new forms to take.

I'm still hurting, but I'm not sure how much of that hurt is from her anymore. [Ex] abused me, I can admit that. But after all the abuse I've experienced from others, I can see that she left me with very few new scars. I'm broken, but she didn't break me, I've not killed this version of me to hide from the memories, my hair remains uncut.

I cannot say that I will heal, but I take solace - a sense of victory if I'm honest - in the fact that I am still this version of me.

#personal shit #things i write #idk why im sharing this tbh #male abuse victims are forgotten a lot of the time so maybe this is representation #relationship stuff #i still cant watch Steven Universe without feeling sick because of her