sup i'm matt and I unfortunately fucking learned how to read!! i am available as an adopted dad or a mortal enemy. [for real, you're going to be okay. i know it's hard, but everything is going to work out. you just need to be here to see it happen. you're doing amazing, sunshine š]
So, itās been a while. I have a lot less energy than I used to and Iāve found that being online is extremely bad for my already struggling brain. Iāve really struggled to keep up any connections I used to have, even though I wanted to and I felt extremely guilty for struggling so much with just talking to people. I feel like Iāve become a completely different person in the past few years. I guess I kind of outgrew Tumblr and I felt like I was a fraud when I couldnāt reach the same levels of energy and enthusiasm to behave like I used to and I felt like I didnāt belong here any more and that I was a disappointment, but I still think about all of my friends on here a lot and Iām really sorry I faded out without any explanation, it was never a deliberate choice, time just did time things and all of a sudden itās been years and I felt too guilty and ashamed to come back, like I was being kept prisoner by my own skull raisin. I still think about you all and I hope youāre living the wonderful happy lives you all deserve and that the world is being so, so kind and gentle to you. I hope you find new happiness and love every single day. I still love all of you with my whole heart and soul and Iām really, genuinely sorry for leaving like I did, I hope none of you were worried and I hope you didnāt miss me.
A life update is that Iām doing okay, even good. My partner Josh and I are still going strong, weāre planning on getting married in the next few years, and Iāve been flying over to see them regularly (Iāll never stop being grateful that I have this opportunity.) Their apartment is yellow and we adopted a very big plush Bulbasaur son together and we cuddle until we fall asleep every night and their smile and their mind make me reach a level of happiness I genuinely did not think I was capable of and they have helped me find who I really am. Loving them is the easiest and sweetest thing Iāve ever done. Iām planning on moving overseas to be with them after weāre married (paperwork + residency reasons.) Their friends have welcomed me incredibly kindly into their group and their city is a world I want to live in and I feel like I finally know where I belong. I have finally, finally found my home.
Other updates. My pets are getting older and we lost Maudie, I still miss her and Iām scared for the others but I canāt do anything but love them. With my partnerās help I realized that Iām most likely autistic and Iām hoping to get officially diagnosed once Iāve moved, but not before, because a diagnosis could get my residency denied. I have a steady job with very nice coworkers/friends and in general Iām a lot less scared of life and Iām actually excited for the future, even though I still have very hard days, weeks, months. I have a lot more confidence and love in myself. I own a shirt with rubber duckies on it and I adore it with my whole heart. I have two tattoos named Frank and Louisa and Iām hoping to get more soon. I make very good soup. Iāve learnt to draw, I still have a long way to go but it makes me happy and itās therapeutic and also how does lighting and shading work oh my gOD-
If anyone wants to reach me at any time, for any reason, my Discord is awshucksalright#7140. Itās one of the few sites that I donāt have a mental block with so Iām usually active on there, but I am a different person now so I understand if you donāt have a drive to, thereās no expectation. I just wanted to make a post to give closure if it was needed because just dipping like I did was super shitty and I wish I could take it back but at this point it feels too late and I donāt know if I have the energy to come back again any way. I have been lurking like a weirdo on your blogs to make sure youāre okay, I shouldāve just reached out, I donāt know why I didnāt other than my brain not letting me, it felt like a wall and it still does. It was nothing any of you did, itās just my own brain being a dick and I hate it and I wish I could change it. I donāt want any of you to think that you werenāt/arenāt important to me because you always have been and always will be. Your kindness and friendship has meant the world to me.
I donāt want to say goodbye so Iām not going to, I donāt want to close that door because I love so many of the people through it. I just hope youāre all okay and that life is treating you with all the amazing-ness that you all deserve. I hope you all feel warmly and gently hugged.
I started thinking about that one post about how from dogs POV humans are beings that live like 500+ years (because I was petting my dog and I was looking at her like āthirty thousand years of cooperation have led to this. our species have spent 30k years building up to the point where you, child of wolf, descendant of noble hunters and wild things, Ā would come all the way out of the office and come sit with me in the hopes of letting a souped up monkey rub its paws on youā)
and then I thought about what it must have been like for the first humans to let a fucking wolf, maybe only a few generations from the wild, behold their infant child. Like man can u believe that? Maybe this alliance is only a few years old and sure youāve seen the wolfās kids but now youāve got one of your own. And even though youāve seen this wolf tear out the throats of creatures that could kill you, this wolf is your family. This wolf is your friend, you love them and they love you and you gotta show āem the new kid, look, friend, I had a child. I know you are wild and dangerous, but look at this, my most precious thing, sniff him, give him a lil lick, his children and your children will be bound together for thirty thousand fucking years because I love you
Thereās a set of Ā preserved footprints from 30k years ago that is a young child and a wolf standing side by side can you fucking imagine? Maybe the kidās mom was like āhey go get some water from the stream, but take the wolf with you. I trust him, he will protect you.ā
the sentiments "completely sterilized fiction absent of any of the bad or evil things that happen in real life is neither inherently good storytelling nor morally superior" and "holy fuck you shouldn't be producing child porn" are not mutually exclusive and there is, in fact, nuance in the world