#i guess I am pushing people away

[winnowing-for-elk]

I really just want someone here

#lonely #i'm sad #i dont know if I’m asking for too much #my mom has been really cold the past few days #reminds me of the good ‘ol days #and I feel like no one wants me around #and no one is talking to me #i guess I am pushing people away #but I just really want someone to not judge me or talk to me like I’m fragile

[gideonisms]

I want to write I want to make girls be weird about each other in MY word docs I want to have creative projects and goals againn :/

#but i am. so tired #i also don't want it to be something i'm forcing myself through because i feel like that always backfires #this year to me has really been about figuring out what is actually important to me and in what ways i can push myself to grow without #sending myself back to square one again #i can kind of feel myself gearing up to create things again and have wants and goals again but it is sooo slow #absolutely everything wipes me out mentally which i guess it always did but now i can like. comprehend it! #i know what is happening in there but i am so clumsy at working around it. i hadn't practiced that a lot before #it's taking like multiple years to recover from stuff that other people seem to recover from easily #it's sooo annoying and it's not really about feeling like i wasted my 20s anymore #i am where i am it was my life and i spent it the way i did so far. i just can't change that #it's more about like Wanting to do so many things and feeling like there is the potential for so much and feeling held back by my own self #there are so many things i want to try now that i'm doing more than bare minimum surviving and it's like i want them all at once #but i can't possibly do them all at least not yet there just is not time or energy or money to do them all right away #i have trouble prioritizing

[torahtot]

ok ive had enough of queering judaism. can we start judaizing queerness now. or something

#like. it feels like so much of this queering judaism shtus just layers an american/secular queer identity over judaism #which i guess is fine for certain communities. but it's only going to push you away from orthodoxy #and if as queer jews we already feel like our queerness makes us into secularized outsiders in our own communities #how does this help? is trying to get our communities to embrace an essentially secular american iteration of queer identity supposed to mak #us feel LESS like outsiders? it's not quite doing it for me #we need a queerness that comes from within judaism that is essentially jewish #ive seen a couple of articles recently from ppl talking abt how word/concept of butch doesnt exist in their language & culture #but they use it anyway #& like. i love being butch. it's important to me ill never give it up #& i am american too. but my whole identity as a butch he/him lesbian is exclusively secular american it came from the outsifr #which is definitely due in large part to the fact that my Gender Problems were really tied up w orthodox jewish gender roles #so naturally to get out of that i'd pull on something not jewish. but i wish there was another option? idk if that's possible #or how it would look #maybe that's why im obsessed w the idea of a butch w long curly payos.... 😦 #i forgot where i was going w this but yeah it's frustrating #this is a large part of why im wary of starting a queer Jewish club on campus bc the people who would wanna start it w mr #well no offense but they are insufferable about this #(incidentally they're also insufferable about chanukah. no surprises there) #nachi speaks #jew blogging #others have Actually written abt all this tho

[teethbomb]

alador blight fan mood board

#Im trying so hard not to engage I feel like a bomb #I know his arc was handled badly but the shortening of the owl house should be the give away #And I personally think that the boards weren’t only cut for time!! #People are really mad he was redeemed at all but I think we forget that this guy was intended to portray a victim of abuse #Abuse shouldn’t have to be physical for it mean something #No I am not excusing what he did what he did was shitty but what I am saying is I don’t think he knew that #He thought what he was doing was in the kids best interest and when amity confronted him his eyes opened #I’ve seen people call him spineless and “woobified” and that is lost on me entirely #He stood up to Odalia and broke everything when he found out about her goals #He still has his temper he’s just not lashing out on his kids #Claims of him being turned soft don’t make sense to me because he’s been chasing butterflies the whole time! He was under Odalia s thumb #Until he learned it was hurting his kids and he stood up. #His arc isn’t perfect it’s far from it but the guy was in an abusive relationship for most of his life #I Can see the disconnect some are having but I think we’re really focusing too hard on some cut scenes #I Can see people getting upset with him especially those who relate to amity but I think it’s ironically pushing blame #Not everything can be pinned on Odalia but I think we should let abuse victims grow no matter their age #I guess it just makes me sad to see a character I see so much of myself in being dragged like this lol #Alador blight

[katyspersonal]

It is always so hard to recover the default settings of my brain after someone had already fiddled with them.

I live completely settled and accepting that nothing in my life will ever get better. That Russia will just keep getting digged deeper and deeper into its grave and I'll never be able to leave it (I am poor, nor I have qualifications important enough). That I'll just die here, and alone, and unloved, and very soon after my mom passes away because I can't fully care for myself. That everything will just keep getting worse, that I'll never reach the civilized world, that I'll always struggle with money for as much as food, that nobody will want to be my family.

But I accepted it, there is no need to worry too much if nothing can be changed. So it hurts even stronger when some asshole crawls back, telling me that he can't have a future without me, how much he wants to take me out of this mess and give me better life, how he has money to buy everything he ever wanted but it all means nothing if he can't buy me gifts and see places with me and meet holidays with me. How he just wanted to have a family at last in his life and only saw me as such - not because I was the only one who would accept, but because he only liked me. Because in the end I dropped my guard and felt hope. My brain completely rebuilt my concept of life and future from "dying alone, cold, unloved and pretty soon" to imagining doing everything there is to do in life together with someone I love.

But apparently he got too scared and uncomfortable with how fixated I became on meeting irl already, since I kept asking him about it? Of course I was impatient! I could not wait to take walks in the places he showed me together, and let him teach me how to cook, and watch all the shows he wanted me to show together, and do house stuff like picking furniture, cosplaying, decorating for holidays, taking care of pets, having long talks before falling asleep etc.. Yet he thought that was cringe and it made me sound "obsessive and entitled" and he went all "woah chill, you should be more HUMBLE and grateful for the OFFER, actually I was not in my right mind when I offered you, I am not really that desperate for you so why can't you just visit me once in a while for holidays or something :)"

And I just can't rebuild myself back to how I used to be right away. The vision of a better future became so apparent, so integral for my thoughts and feelings every day, that I kind of lost the idea. Like walking out of a house only for the door to lock itself behind me, so I can't even walk back in and am stuck outside.

I feel like my life just tries to teach me that I can't be loved or wanted. Why else I keep facing betrayals? Because it should be apparent that if something sounds too good to be true - then it IS.

#/vent #personal #not the first time when someone gets weirded out by how... intense i get when i trust someone #it is hard to actually earn my trust despite me acting friendly and talkative #i am like... clinically paranoid. i am always prepared that my 'buddies' secretly hate me #or that they will leave very abruptly #thats why i become too clingy once my trust is earned - because i am so starved for feeling it #but he like... provoked it. this is different #empty promises and undecisiveness are such a turn off #sorry if this is incoherent ive been crying all day #i guess no one can handle facing the 'real' kat. even those that crawl back begging to see it. #i should just stay repressed and with my shell wearing me instead of me wearing it #look people.. just stop being too nice to me. stop acting like you really love me. #it is clear that whatever is under my shell makes everyone uncomfortable. #that i feel 'too' much and love 'too' much as soon as i feel worthy enough #i guess feeling worthless is the only way for me to not push someone away. #Youtube

[genderfluid-druid]

like is there a word for "romance is NOT for me oh my GOD it's such a bad idea for the way my brain is built, BUT HOWEVER not every part of my brain has gotten the memo about this and nature still thinks it's funny to kneecap me with a crush every now and then."

#trying to find resources or stories about like. how to COPE when this happens #how to honor the way i feel without suppressing it but also without feeling the need to turn it into a romantic pursuit #also i know labels as strict boxes are only worth thinking about as long as they are helpful #and “im aromantic” is easier to say than “i have a complicated relationship with romance and a lot of emotional baggage and” #well i never feel justified using the word trauma especially because a lot of it was my own doing but #yes a lot of trauma i guess! #anyway #i still have this fear that calling myself aromantic is just a cheat to get away with not wanting to put in the work it would take to build #a real functioning romantic relationship #like is it cowardly of me to say “i am not gonna push my relationships past a certain point with people”. like am i depriving myself of #something i will miss? #sometimes it feels that way #but also #some of my strongest friendships are with people i actively chose not to romance #and i love those people and i am so glad to be friends with them #whereas the people i was most romantically involved with are now invariably bitter strangers #i don't want that. i don't want that with any more people i love #BUT. I DO WISH TO HOLD HANDS!!!!!!! #MY GOD A BITCH IS TOUCH STARVED

[raskies456]

man idk

#not really about anything but about everything #just feeling a Way #and typing a post is an outlet #but it’s always so complicated bc while I feel the need to express my feelings I also don’t #intend to make anyone concerned #and yet if I don’t want people to be concerned why do I feel the need to express negative emotions so strongly? #the mortifying ordeal of being known or whatever #well idk. I want to be known and maybe even cared about #but I don’t want to hurt anyone #I guess thats ultimately what my Feelings are about huh #the fact that if people care about me I will hurt them when I hurt #that I want to be loved but I can’t bear the guilt of it #i can not survive without others caring for me #but I can not protect them if they do #but if I push them away I still hurt them #thus the serpent devours its own tail #I am too selfish to wish no one loved me and too much a martyr to let them #but I don’t know if I can change #it’s so fucking hard #vent post #456 words #negative

[leatherbookmark]

an interesting thing abt jgy antis is like. where is the source of their, shall we say, negative opinion of jgy? like, 1. jgy is a villain, he does horrible things with no remorse, he’s willing to do everything to achieve his selfish, egotistical goals. --> 2. the source of this claim: this, this and this scene. --> 3. alright, but to me -- says someone who’s not an anti -- this reads differently. that he did all those things, and did them on purpose and without remorse, is not that obvious to me. why do you think that? --> 4. well, obviously because he’s a villain and does horrible things with no remorse.

like... he’s evil because he does bad things, and he does bad things because he’s evil. i’m interested in how antis came by those opinions, but a, unfortunately i have them all blocked, and b, even if i or someone else made a poll, it wouldn’t be authentic because no sane anti is going to say “well, people hated him and wrote all those things about him on twt, so i started hating him as well”, or “i only care about wgxn, you could sell me anything about other characters if your arguments were convincing enough because i zoned out during the parts when wgxn weren’t on screen/pages of the book”. it’s all “written in the book/shown in the show” and “logical arguments you’d agree with if only you could read”.

#thinking back to my early c/q/l days where i reblogged this dumb ass meta abt how jgy FOR SURE pushed lxc away because he WANTED HIM #to be tormented by uncertainty forever. like 'the worst person you know just saved your life; what now' kinda thing #i was like oh... THIS IS SO RIGHT... because it felt bittersweet and painful and i am Still guilty of accepting/agreeing with headcanons #or interpretations that aren't 100% what i think because i have this ingrained idea that other people are always more mature and #sophisticated and smarter than me and so they Know Better #the person (i think?) later went on to write a meta abt how jgy is a badwrong narcissist. so #(this is also the reason why i spent months praising and getting excited abt a fic where jgy was dating nmj for like a decade despite #not loving him; and why he cheated on him many times with lxc Just Because. i didn't think jgy would do something like that but everyone #else was like omg this is SOOOOO good so i was like shit i guess it is! IT'S SOOOO GOOD OMG;;;;; have i mentioned i have no brain on #my own? yea) #anyway i'm not gonna paint myself as this genius from the first watch because I Too had wgxn goggles fucking ON and didn't even notice #the box hand touch during my first watch. (have i mentioned i am not very smart or observant) and when wwx was whistling ghosts at jgy #and jgy was clearly Going Thru It in the guanyin temple i was like 'haha good for him' #but iirc i Was nonetheless drawn to him (although xy was first <3) and it was like. well he's evilbad but maybe he felt bad when he murdered #his child? --> well maybe he's not 100% evilbad... maybe... --------------> a-yao did nothing wrong and i will kill you if you even suggest #otherwise. (<-- a joke.) #anyway a whole bunch of antis seem like kindasorta stuck in that initial wgxn-centered; everyone else either has 2 personality traits Max #or is either wgxn allies (good) or wgxn Haters (we hates them forever!) just like. unwilling to accept any new viewpoints At All #and then there are Types of those jgy antis because you have people who hate him for Other Reasons and people who hate them because they. #honestly seem like they've only read moralistic books for young children where the brave kind hero is the one you're supposed to cheer for #and want to be like; and the villain has all the traits you're supposed to know are Bad (mean greedy selfish lazy etc) AND NOTHING ELSE. #its like that *man who only saw boss baby watching another movie* damn this is giving me some serious boss baby vibes ! meme #anyway. love it when the tags are 3x longer than the post. cheers #shrimp thoughts

[firebirdsdaughter]

Looking back at your Ask box…

… And realising you have Asks going back at least two years…

Which is a good thing bc I just accidentally found out someone blocked me that I think I only interacted w/ them all of once and I'm not sure why but I might know why and now I feel bad, and…

… Yeah. I'll. Uh. I'll go think about the Asks, maybe.

#Firebird Randomness #there's no real point in pursuing the other thing #I'm guessing it was my 01 melt down think I pushed a lot of people away w/ that one #I was twenty five and it was Covid and I was not in a great place emotionally #in it's own way 01 kept me going but damn did I get emotional about it #I still have pretty much the same opinions although I think I could explain them better now #I'm not stuck living w/ my parents I'm not in one of my most formative ages stuck in a global pandemic #I am constantly exhausted and burned out from work and thinking about going on meds again #I still have executive dysfunction and my social skills are subpar #I care to much and get worked up #I still have anxiety and depression #but I'm almost thirty (twenty nine end of this month!) I'm in a better living spot and I get paid okay #I still have weight and image problems and no motivation #but I don't have scurvy #gotta do my taxes #all in all… Doing okay #I still love Horobi and Fuwa w/ my whole heart #test for whoever reads the tags: who wants to see my merch/display wall??? #it's covered in dust and has some Hakuouki and DMC stuff on it as well but I still think it's cool!

[lurking-in-asphodel-fields]

wow having trust issues AND abandonment issues really is just like. shooting yourself in both of your feet.

#bond with people? nah. tell one person your entire life story and then get absolutely gutted when they need space #whats gonna happen when we talk again! am i gonna yell and then traumadump and then get pushed away again?! #very likely. and who wouldve guessed. its gonna get worse after that #vent #tw vent #x shitposts #ah well hope it resolves itself soon and i stop thinking about violence

[videogamelover99]

i’ve seen a lot of people talking about chuuya losing his trust in dazai and how it will lead dazai into accepting his feelings, finally having The Talk(TM), and apologizing. what’s your opinion on it?

Dropping this She Ra clip for...reasons: https://youtu.be/-1UicFp5DnI

#right before that was adora saying 'I never hated you!' which...ouch #for ppl not having watched shera spoilers i guess #'you'll have have to see the people you've hurt' flashing back to chuuya akutagawa atsushi Q #tbh i wouldnt want chuuya to lose his TRUST in dazai but i DO want a push for dazai to step it up like in DHC #the 'if youre gonna push people away then why am i trying' deal #but one that makes it clear its dazai's CHOICE #tbh im growing more and more convinced with the telephone scene and the 'what if chuuya joined the ada with dazai' thing #that the BIGGEST reason they weren't closer and weren't actual friends is bc Dazai kept pushing him away and chuuya could read the room #and he wasnt gonna bother for someone who didnt want him there #its literally dazai doing smth shitty and chuuya parsing if its 'i wanna get a rise out of you' shitty or 'i dont want you here' shitty #sure he pushes other ppl away too but they arent demanding like chuuya is #they dont expect as much from him #when oda made it clear he had for dazai's own sake dazai went and did it #bsd #asks #soukoku #remember how chuuya's first show of trust was after he demanded dazai explain why he decided to live? yeah #hes not ready to give more away #he almost commits suicide in front of oda and then tries to convince him it was all a PLOY like #dazai is a mess

[backlogbooks]

on a personal level, no, reading “problematic” media wont like, change your moral compass

but i do feel like maybe! we could discuss uhhhh the history of racist fiction in america and the way it’s added to the overall self mythology of america and the way white people think about and interact with Black people to this day

rather than making 500 “haha people who think fiction affects reality are so stupid” posts

#i am getting so tired of ‘oh you think fiction affects reality?? i guess you kill people if you ever read about a murderer #no bitch i just have studied american history #i’ve studied gone with the wind and fucking birth of a nation #and yes there were other areas where those narrative of the civil war were being pushed (textbooks & confederate statues & etc.) #BUT LIKE. THERE ARE OTHER AREAS WHERE WHITE SUPREMACY IS BEING ADVANCED RIGHT NOW. AND ALSO FUCKING ALWAYS. #it drives me crazy because i feel like at first ‘problematic’ was used to refer to like #racist or homophobic or sexist depictions #and now it’s been reduced to ‘oh poor baby doesnt know not to murder people unless the author says it’s bad’ like bro shut up #even aside from the historical examples #think about all the cop shows that have completely altered most people’s idea of the police away from what the actual job is #making them into action heroes (and demonizing the internal review people like. what) #increasing the perception of danger and decreasing the respect for ‘going by the book’ aka obeying rhe fucking law and respecting people’s #constitutional rights #i know i should know better than to hope for nuance on this app #but i swear the next self righteous ‘people who think fiction affects reality are so stupid’ post is getting blocked #it’s not about your personal media consumption it’s about the stories we as a society tell ourselves and each other repeatedly! #and even if you personally aren’t susceptible to those messages you should be aware of when you’re supporting them #mary emma talks

[virginstoner666]

genuinely hate the fact im so needy and so hard to love and avoidant at at the same time. like jesus woman PICK A STRUGGLE

#.txt #vent #all i know how to do is let people down <3 #i feel like so manipulative yk? #i want love so bad but push away anyone who actually cares bc im scared of #i guess showing someone what i am #which is a selfish bitch<3 #im a parasite #i lie all the time im genuinely so fucking awful and i dont deserve anything or anyone <3

[dingo-saurus]

so. when i did my sleep study, and found out i had sleep apnea, i was then referred to a sleep specialist at the same clinic i did the study with. he sent me to a different place across the hall to get set up with a CPAP rental trial to see if it worked for me (it did, i'm no longer a walking corpse and i have my own machine now). AND set me up with some tests to make sure my nose and lungs were functioning. i did those tests, went back to see him, we determined that my lung capacity isn't great due to previous back injuries and that i needed to train myself to breath a little better now that those back injuries are largely not an issue anymore

so.

he sent me home with a bunch of printouts. to study and work on and then i'll see him in again later to see if i've improved. sounds straight-forward

he gave me three big packets. one of them, upon further inspection, was just a bunch of screenshots from a website promoting a training course for PHYSICIANS to take in order to learn how to help patients with a specific breathing exercise method. this included pictures of of youtube videos that, when I looked them up, were endorsements from physicians posted in like 2015. this course would cost over $1,000 AUD btw

the second one was an information packet about breathing disorders that explained how breathing works and how disordered breathing is a problem. the only useful thing he handed me, although i didn't personally need it

the THIRD THING. the fucking THIRD THING. was the main packet that had actual exercises and a place to keep track of my progress. the language inside was a little unclear and confusing but i picked it up again today to read through it thoroughly and make a start on it and realized that. while there were a couple legitimate breathing exercises that sounded fairly normal, the main focus of this method the packet was championing was to get you used to "air hunger". which is to say, getting me to hold my breath for longer periods of time and then build up to extended breathing exercises where i breathed so little i was in a constant state of "air hunger" for minutes at a time. which sounded like torture to me, so my partner looked into it and yeah. there is zero scientific evidence to back up this method. i don't know how it could possibly help me INCREASE MY LUNG CAPACITY (WHICH IS THE ESTABLISHED ISSUE) to do exercises wherein i reduce my breathing so much i feel like i'm on the verge of suffocating for up to 3 minutes

#i am going to be emailing them about this in the morning #and then finding my own goddamn exercises i GUESS #jfc #i cannot believe this specialist sent me away with this much useless garbage #he could've just told me to talk to my gp or even GOOGLE exercises #this shit frustrates me so fucking much because i KNOW most people are just gonna trust them and push through it #and doing this shit to their body under the impression it'll help even if it fucking sucks #never trust a doctor #pray for me to be able to keep my temper in check when i confront him about this lmfao

[miserye]

Everyone be proud of me I spoke up in my classes today to randos

#chatterye #completely umprompted once and conversational a second!!!! #I met new people and everything!! not by choice but I made conversation by choice and I think that’s enough #I contributed to a convo about exams that I was not really included in #and I got a group project of which I made hashtag relatable comments about how hot the room was #I am so sociable today I guess it’s because I’m so tired I could fall asleep walking #the sleepy is pushing away the scared

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

#purrs #i know i am 23 years old and i have a lot of life left ahead of me. but i think it’s just hard because im almost always the least #experienced / most sheltered person in the room. and some of that isn’t my fault bc it’s a product of 💖generational trauma💖 but some of it i #is ithink. im skittish like a horse. i had to cut off my life here when i went abroad and then covid hit and i think i got so used to things #being fucked up and to seeing fewer people that isolation became normal for me and now trying to push myself past that is terrifying and i #get so easily overwhelmed by socializing and i hate it but also that’s everyone rn i guess bc we are living in hell. but im skittish like a #horse. i have damaged friendships with people i really cared about because they told me they liked me and i couldn’t handle that and im #haunted every single day by the thought of how i mishandled things at 17-18 and probably caused certain individuals a lot of pain that they #may still be feeling and i want to apologize but that might only make it worse so i never can. and ofc like im jealous and insecure bc ive n #never even been like.. idk. the closest i ever got to being in a relationship was w one of those ppl and i ran away at the point that we rec #reciprocated and i just feel stupid and defective and i hate that if i had to do it all over again i would probably do the same thing. #ive grown a lot emotionally in the last 5 years but im still so like… weak in some ways and there’s common sense / natural compassion things #that i can sense Wojld make sense to do but i just can’t. i am not a good friend or family member right now and so how on earth could i ever #be a good partner to someone. but also uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm life is very very hard to do alone and i would like to not do it alone. and i know #there’s hope but i also like. can’t handle it. idk. it’s a mess and im just depressed about it so hopefully talking about it candidly will b #be enough to like.. eliminate the possibility of it coming up again bc it’s hard enough when im not thinking about it it’s even harder when #there are signs and reminders everywhere that i am young and inexperienced and feeling cringefail misery and doom and jealousy about it #delete later #its also fucking insane bc you grow up and realize what you’ve been missing out on bc you were a kid and it’s like how do i even get there a #and then the older adults you live with and interact with regularly rub it in your face both intentionally and unintentionally and sometimes #without malice but it’s still like… can there please not be about 15 examples of the exact thing i want that are unavoidable and inescapable #at al times by virtue of my life situation rn. in the back of my mind there is always a thread agitated by that and it sucks