#i didn't really think much about it

[aintgonnatakethis]

doctor said to my face “i think you’re exaggerating your symptoms because of your anxiety”. fucking die

#met him two times before and both times he had a crushing handshake #i didn't really think much about it #this time i crushed him back and that little bitch let go so fucking fast #ablesim #trans #top surgery #mine

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

#mental health #mental health support #positivity #if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them! #i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all.. #...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in... #...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air... #...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life... #...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with... #...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it... #...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it #i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive #unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better

[inkskinned]

the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone #yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post. #writeblr #ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person #and on this blog we support workers. #at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going. #when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens #have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists #and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like. #it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases - #at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory. #it was what i had seen. #and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference #we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol' #so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender #and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID. #he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different #i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.

[aunmenosheteroenespanol]

2.12 Chimney Begins - 2.09 Hen Begins - 2.16 Bobby Begins Again - 7.04 Buck, Bothered and Bewildered

Tommy's family arc

#911 #911edit #911 abc #911 show #911 spoilers #911 season 7 #tommy kinard #evan buckley #evan 'buck' buckley #kinley #bucktommy #kinkley #tevan #pick a ship name you guys and thanks for picking tevan the most correct name #anyway analysis time! #looking back with Modern Knowledge tm about why tommy acts the way he does in the past... babygirl you were so closeted I'm so proud #babygirl was back there getting into narnia #he was so resistant to letting go of the pseudo-family he'd found at the 118 in chimney begins #even tho it was a good old boys club that he knew he really didn't fit into he was making himself fit because at least it was something #but then he let chimney in and then hen came around and he saw a very queer person being openly queer and not giving a fuck what they think #and I think his behavior in that episode was trying to support hen as much as he could without outing himself #because like. how do you give up years of relative safety with people who do care about you they just won't like you anymore if you're *you #then he meets buck in s7 which is like 10-20 years later timeline is fake and he's like oh. this is what unconditional family is #and he's like oh. maybe I can come back. maybe I can be part of this again somehow. maybe we've both grown enough #or at the very least he'll be close to something he never believed would really happen for him #rant over tevan my beloved tim minear pillow cold both sides god bless #my edits

[somethingcorenotsure]

I think it's so adorable that early humans took wild gourds - a tiny fruit that hollows out as it dries, making it float - and decided to make something out of it

they thought the tiny fruit was so good that they bred it for thousands of years, making it larger to form into bowls and cups, and different shapes to become bottles and spoons

and musical instruments

And then, people took the hollow gourds they farmed, and they turned them into houses for birds. We adapted them into the perfect houses for birds, and now there are specific breeds of birdhouse gourd just for making into birdhouses

And humans dedicated gardening space and time and thousands of years of breeding to make the gourds so absolutely perfect for birds, that there is a species of bird that lives almost exclusively in them

#yes I KNOW i posted about this the other day but *crying* i just love plant domestication and the history of agriculture #and humanity's positive affect on the ecosystems we live in #mine #image IDs in alt text #hmm. I'm gonna tag this #permaculture #just to pspsps @ that community to look at how cool gourds are please everyone grow birdhouse gourds and give cavity nesters places to live #i don't think mine will become fully ripe before i get my first frost :( next year i need to start gourds indoors #i didn't want to grow them before because i didn't have much garden space but now i do and i need to grow all of them #i might be. a little obsessed with gourds. but also i saw a pair of purple martins flying by the road last year #and i had never seen one before then! and i need to see more of them #i have a few hundred barn swallows but i need more birds flying around my house. more!! #and also i have a ton of invasive cavity nesting species around here. house sparrows and starlings. #gotta make up for those things competing with native birds for nest dites #*sites #the invasive birds very often win :/ #that's why they're invasive #i really do need to start trapping them....

[obsidianbit]

I love this gay ass show with its literally life ending injuries that heal immediately, but only when convenient to the plot, and its ridiculous use of modern phrases, and its laughing in the face of historical accuracy, and its kissing the face of the fans instead of trying to outwit them, and the way everyone involved in the show seem to go 'I KNOW RIGHT! I'M EXCITED TOO!' instead of mocking the fans

#i have so many feelings #i can't quite express the way everyone involved seems to want us to love the show #like when you love something so you show it to a friend and vibrate with excitement while you watch them love it #so that you can scream about it together #it feels like djenks and the writers and the cast and the crew are in on the joke *with* us #which contrasts so sharply to the way so many fandoms find themselves to *be* the joke #the joke being how much we love the show #the fact that everyone involved cares *so much* about the show is really obvious #not just this is a fun show but this is a *meaningful* show #i truly have never felt so much like i have a community as i have with this show and the fans of it #it is also one of the only shows i can think of (maybe some of neil gaiman's adaptations?) where the trademark over analysing and meta #and theories of the fans isn't ridiculed #this ties back into the being in on the joke thing #back when we didn't know blackbonnet was going to be *canon* canon #and djenks reaction to us freaking out that we were RIGHT was basically #well yeah? #i want to write a love letter to everyone but i don't know how #ofmd #mine #our flag means death #david jenkins #ofmd s2 #ofmd 2 #kissing david jenkins on the mouth

[asurrogateblog]

by far the best reaction to john lennon's death was george getting all irritated with him like "idiot should've been more prepared to die. good luck putting your spirit at rest now🙄🙄". and the reason its so funny is because, given the numerous ghost encounters even just between the three remaining beatles, by all accounts george was right

#i know ive posted too much about john lennon's ghost but i just find it -so- deeply fascinating and absurd #love that george is so spiritually secure it didn't even bother him that much. comparatively at least. #this is why i think you're allowed to make jokes about dead beatles more than other bands #according to their -own- beliefs neither john or george are really dead in a way that matters. so it's cool. #the beatles #george harrison #john lennon

[dittobooty]

Thinking a lot about how in One Piece there's a continuing theme of self sacrifice that often doesn't meet its end (I won't say always because there are some characters who have eaten shit for a cause). But I just think about how easy it would be to just accept their sacrifice but the narrative won't allow that. Robin, Zoro, Sanji, Jinbe, they've all tried to give their life for the sake of others but they can't because they really don't have to. I think about Robin's "I want to live" regularly. It's so easy to die for someone but it's so much harder to live for them. And living for them gives back so much more than dying for them does. Dying is just a moment but living lets you have more moments and more time to show how much you care and lets you do so much for others. I feel like a lot of other shonen show dying as one of the bravest things you can do but One Piece is so different because it shows you that living is actually the bravest thing.

#I was just thinking today #I didn't want to go into heavy depth because then I get too lost in what I'm trying to say #it's just really insane how deep the themes of one piece are #I even think about how things would have changed if certain characters who had to sacrifice themselves were actually given a chance #like if Corazon had lived then Law would have learned a lot sooner in life that love isn't conditional #he could have continued to feel love throughout his life instead of just through one act #much to think about #one piece #ditto rambles

[echo-stimmingrose]

I love how the show NEVER explained that satyrs age at half the speed as humans, they just dropped the whole "I'm 24" and then moved on! And he's actually pretty mature, so new show watchers think he's actually 24 in human years, when no, he is just a twelve year old who's seen some shit.

#i dont really understand why the show didn't explain that. #i mean yeah the random “im 24” was funny but i feel like it's gonna leave people confused. #im definitely thinking way to much into this. maybe people dont even think about it idk. #percy jackson and the olympians #percy jackson #grover underwood #annabeth chase #pjo tv show #pjo tv series #pjo

[horse-surgeon-barbie]

maybe we STOP playing house ,, we're not good at it

#rick and morty #rick and morty spoilers #fear no mort #rick sanchez #diane sanchez #beth sanchez #beth smith #amramdoods #this was kinda venty (which is why i didn't post it on main tbh) #but like the idea of beth losing in every possible scenario of this made me feel really bad </3 #like the more i think about the show the worse i feel because it's just this tragic story of how these three people can't fit together ever #like it taught me that maybe some people just should not be parents if your kid is gonna lose THIS much at all times :( #anyway i'm rambling whatever i just needed to post this idk #oh idk if this needs a tw so if it does for anyone just tell me and i'll add it

[hiddencarpet]

Long time ago a dear friend of mine sent me a "which Dungeon Meshi character are you?" quiz, and the results sent me so much i decided to actually honor that with the painting above.

Iirc it was a really nice quiz so here it is if you like to try it out. :)

https://uquiz.com/quiz/yEfodS/which-dungeon-meshi-character-are-you

#Edit: NOooo. i didn't mix up the mirroring at all you saw nothing! lmao #i remember doing this quiz and thinking to myself 'idk if i really relate to any Dunmeshi chara that much. Still wonder who i might get'. #and then i got him. #the result simply sent me. alright. I'm not saying where. It simply sent me. and i still think about it from time to time #Dungeon Meshi #Delicious in Dungeon #Dungeon Meshi Mithrun #Dunmeshi Mithrun #Dunmeshi misurn #misurn #Mithrun #Delicious in Dungeon Mithrun #id in alt #Dunmeshi #Dungeon Meshi fanart #carpet's art #elf #elves #dnd #quiz #which character are you #fantasy art #fantasy illustration #described #described art

[introspectivememories]

best ending: they talk it out after lewis wins his 8th wdc and we end up with brocedes in each other's lives again. lewis shows up on nico's yt channel. nico is on lewis' insta. vivian dogwalks both of them for letting the divorce last that long. i join the convent because this is clearly a miracle from god and reblog gifsets of brocedes interacting from the chapel. rinse, repeat.

ending we're most likely gonna get: whatever the hell we have now. nico talks about lewis. lewis will say karting is the best time of his career. for two seconds out of the year, lewis will say nico's name. i will sob, rinse, repeat.

worst ending: they shut the fuck up about each other forever. they process the divorce and move on with their lives without each other. i will go on tumblr and reblog angsty web weaves about their relationship and what could've been. i take psychic damage. rinse. repeat.

#inshallah we get the best ending #but we will most likely get the middle one #obviously them processing the divorce is best for each other and like it's none of our business but as a bystander to their fallout #i think i deserve emotional compensation in teh form of knowing exactly what they are to each other #my family is sick of me wailing about them #if you'd've told me last year (casual f1 watcher/knew bits of the lore but didn't really care that much) that i would one day be sobbing #over a rivalry that happened when i was in elementary/middle school i woulda laughed soo fuckin hard #anyway vivian ik you're richer than god and you probably don't need it but i hope you're getting paid 8 figures for putting up w brocedes #f1 #lewis hamilton #nico rosberg #brocedes

[icewindandboringhorror]

I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :

-

(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )

#tumblr polls #hrmm... a little poll perhaps.. about a subject I find interesting.. since this image came across my facebook today #still really not feeling that well. no longer shaking violently and such but I still feel weird and weak much more than usual #They did say my markers for like infection or inflammation were elevated but that they werent sure of the cause so hopefully #it's nothing too serious. they did also say a lot of different things can cause that thing to be higher than normal but didn't go into spec #fics of what. maybe some of them are relatively benign or something. I still havent felt much back to normal since #I got really sick that one time though. I feel fine on and off but then little bouts of feeling weird and sick happen. hrmmm #ANYWAY.. looking for small ways to be productive. such as little doodles on evil ipad or editing game videos #or posting polls or cat pictures or some other like not very labor intensive things #I WISH I COULD FOCUS on writing HHRGGhh... I need to finish my game.. it would be so freeing.. a project that's been looming #over my head for like 5 years even though througouht that 5yrs I've probably spent a total of 3 months working on it lo.. ANYWAY #I still partially really cannot beleive that people CAN see stuff in their heads. There's always part of me that's thinking like. well mayb #e everyone DOES see the same exact thing but we just describe/conceptualize it so differently that we think we're talking about #different things when we're really not. But I have been assured by people I've talked to about it that they can GENUINELY really see #stuff in their heads like as vivid as an actual picture in real life or something. And the other senses are neat too. Like for exmaple I #can hear in my head much better than I can see imagery. I still CANNOT hear vividly like as if I were listening to actual music out loud.. #but I think it's developed more than my sight. AND interesting how this varies the creative process. a friend I was talking to on the phone #said they write by literally just watching stuff play before them like a movie. where my process is COMPLETELY different. AND that affects #the content/what details we focus on as well as our individual styles of writing have differences that can be traced back to that.. hrmm

[arthursfuckinghat]

There needs to be a scientific study done on how Rockstar Games' Arthur Morgan is able to provoke the most earth shattering emotions I didn't even know I had in me

#you guys get me right #like you feel it deep in your chest #the joy the anguish the grief #it feels like words aren't enough #and I don't mean it as in “sad moment in video game makes you sad” #I mean it as in “a deep and well written moment that has been slowly building is fleshed out in a video game and I think about for weeks” #when I say I lose sleep over this game I really mean it #I spend hours just laying in bed thinking about everything that happens in arthur morgan's life #it eats at me #I'm not ashamed of how much I have cried over this game #it fucking gets to me #playing rdr2 is the best form of escapism until the story hits you like a stab in the chest but the blade just pushes in further and further #until you're left with a gaping wound #“wow michael I didn't know you were so emotional over pixels on a screen” #except those pixels were acted out and performed by real people and voiced by real people and designed to look like real people #the game's main target was historic realism emphasis on REALISM #to provoke emotions through amazing storytelling #it's okay to feel strongly about things!! #this game man #this game #rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #mick squeaks #mick thinks #arthur morgan #red dead redemption 2 spoilers