#i can make 'random thing' gave me autism jokes

[clockworkblogs]

I’ve been really reflecting on the possibility of aspd for a long time now. For a long time I thought it was autism, or depression, or just *something*, but whether this is or not I just need to voice my thoughts on things I think could attribute.

Firstly upon inspection I don’t think I feel remorse. I thought I did but this only caused conflict for me because I realized people viewed this differently than I did. I was told a lot that if you feel bad for something you stop, if you don’t feel bad you keep doing it, etc. I also remember growing up, misplacing the idea that you know something is wrong because you feel something towards it. I analyzed what I feel that growing up I thought was remorse, and I think what I was mistaking this for was *self loathing* and feeling like a piece of shit essentially. Because growing up, I wasn’t taught about feeling bad or remorse or to apologize bc things are wrong, what was instead put in place of this emotion was shame for teaching. Instead of being taught to apologize or not do something bc you’re a child learning for the first time I felt it was more frequent that I was othered and shamed. Outside of that I don’t feel much when I do something wrong.

Second thing is my reward processing.

Third is how much I realized my view of relationships is transactional. Growing up I struggled to connect with people, even though I wanted to for a very long time. But it took me a while to even get to that point. I had to really reflect on my behaviors and how I see things, and that growing up a lot of my interactions with “friends” had a transactional baseline to it that caused conflict. Even now, I was texting someone recently, and without much thought started acting charming in my message, starting things off with a “hiii hruuu” and maybe even a causal joke or something. Maybe even something they like. My whole intent for messaging in the first place was because I wanted something from them. I also have a habit of doing this, and offering things I know the people around me like as my transaction. Sometimes I do this periodically as to “keep the relationship alive” for lack of better words because I know that lack of connection makes people drift away over time. To me, growing up, this was “love”. When people openly complied, I felt as if my relationships grew and I have more, and it was very back and forth. If someone gave enough to me and things I really wanted I would feel more likely to go to that person. I struggle with inner conflict with this sometimes, because in some friendships I really like the person, and am at crossroads with this. Or, my transactional giving is my way of showing love/care. If I don’t get something “in it for me” I get bored. But as I got older I learned how to mask this because just dropping and disconnecting from someone can cause issues. But also staying when you’re not interested does too—I began regretting trying this more than the former. Especially since with that, people are more likely to assume more negatively about you or that you despise them, which caused me to feel frustrated because my lack of interest was not me *hating* them. I also knew I couldn’t just explain “I was bored”. So sometimes I’d make a sob story bc I did still want to be around them, but knew if I was honest it would ruin things. Occasionally this was to protect the person’s feelings.

Forth is how bored and disconnected I am and was growing up. How little I cared. How much I couldn’t care. How angry I could get. I would legitimately become suicidal and reckless due to my boredom. I think in some ways this triggered my more blatant antisocial behaviors. Leaving class because I was bored and running around the school, harming myself or doing things that could get me hurt for the thrill, weird creative art projects, random shit for the hell of it, lying, faking accents, tricking people into thinking I saw something, acting essentially. Breaking/burning things, starting conflict, pissing off authority, usually with silly things, etc. I have a compulsive lying issues, but that more stemmed from feeling I had to create things for people to like or take interest in me and stop harming me. However what I’m explaining here is different and was fun or to lessen the boredom. I picked up any hobby that would stick and had as much range as possible, I’d do random silly shit for fun, etc. Like—running up a wall, seeing how hard I can throw a basket ball on the ground and hit it with my head until I get dizzy, making fake targets to throw stuff at, tripping and falling for fun, trying to jump and grab things I couldn’t, etc. Sometimes though, nothing would fix it. Even self harm. Nothing was working. I began starting drama from this point. I began actually playing around with suicide attempts. In part this was both a mix of boredom and general distress from other symptoms/mh. Unfortunately, I think this is one of the few things I regret.

Fith is just distain to authority. Just general authority being in a room frustrated me. Unless they were nice. I tended to be fine with nice ones. Although I began learning how to mask in certain ways, like a “super shy/kind/oblivious but well meaning persona”. For many reasons, which served me, but getting lost in the mask was frustrating bc I genuinely believed it. I also noticed, I was able to motivate myself to comply more to authority through this, which caused less problems. Also they were much less likely to mistreat me socially and I was less likely to be a target with this. Just being told what to do made and still makes me so angry that I can’t think. Being even called by my name. This is still prominent.

Also just. Being bored immediately made me angry. I didn’t care for a lot of things nor could I find meaning in anything growing up. Feeling things was hard for me. Empathy was hard and gave me a headache and took a while to understand.

As I’ve gotten older I understand more about myself and my presentation, but I think my symptoms still exist but not as prominent.

I think at a certain point in my life I realized something was very very wrong, I still remember the moment vividly, I also had acknowledged how easy it was for me to ignore something or brush it off because I didn’t feel remorse, and that reward was always bigger for me. I had crumbled in on myself for a moment, questioning and coming to a realization something had to be very wrong with me, and I could choose to change it. But I knew, like most of my life, again and again, it was easy for me to brush things off, and I’d likely just go back in circles again. I suppressed this initial disturbance after a bit. I didn’t know what to do with it anyways. Where I could go for help. Where to start. I think I began to develop more NPD traits here, which I think my NPD in part grows closely alongside my narcissists. Without additional context, I think it’s a callus for my ASPD, but not the main part of it.

I feel also in part my NPD makes me feel I need to behave a certain way to be liked. Which also is true to an extent because of ASPD, I do have to act a certain way. So in some ways my survival masking became somewhat of a supply/grandiosity trigger.

But it’s much deeper than that.

Now I’m a lot better I think, but I still have behaviors I’m aware of and desire to stop, and have really been working on caring about. I’m rambling.

I miss myself, I miss when I feel I can be vulnerable enough to unmask like this. I feel like I’m actually living. It makes me want to cry. Masking and having all these aspd and NPD bullshit makes me feel like I’m lost from myself and caught up in something I can’t control and hate. But! It’s OK. I feel like I’m meeting my unmasked self less and less as it seems I get hurt more. Unfortunately society’s treatment towards cluster b’s only really reinforces these things. I want to be myself.

#ghost.txt #vent.txt #log entry #aspd #npd #cluster b safe

[hiro-doodlez]

HELP I can't see my therapist for a couple of weeks and am currently having something i like to dub "yet another hiro autism crisis" where i contemplate if my therapist gave me the right diagnoses (she has told me she is not certified to give autism diagnoses, and instead more things like depression) Right now, I am diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety/ Social anxiety (its still up in the air, DPDR, and depression. idk if that matters SO NOW I LIST RANDOM THINGS that could be considered symptoms or not I DUNNO HOW TO DO THISS feel free to ask questions about some of the crap i say here half of it doesn't make sense

First off, I have a general trouble understanding most social situations, and struggle sometimes when talking about practically anything. For example, earlier today my step-mom basically said she wasnt going to finish her food and let my brother have it. my brother said he would leave 2, he didnt (BOZO) and later after he left she found the empty container and said something along the lines "HAH! I thought he said he was gonna leave me 2!" and immdeiately without thinking i went "hey! you said he could have as many as he can! and hes working 10 hours a day and needs his energy!!" half jokingly and she got mad at me for it, we got into a mini argument over that.

When saying something thats serious, i tend to make a joke around it and i have NO CLUE why. I just CANT be openly upset around people. For example, when being told about something that happened to me as a kid that NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED RAGRHAGHAG, instead of having a breakdown and being reasonably upset, i burst out into giggles and laughs while my brother was just so fucking confused on what was wrong. It was kinda like i couldn't stop and it fucking sucked

The TINIEST things can upset me, and other HUGE things can have little to no effect. Its so incredibly annoying

I have INTENSE fluxuations in interests, hobbies, and motivation for certain projects. I will start on this huge project that im INCREDIBLY excited for, and then a week later have little to no interest in continuing it.

I make everything about my personality a joke, i dont know why. EVERYTHING i tend to say or do has to be funny. it's like i dont want people to see beneath that

I fluctuate in personality A TON, especially depending by the people i am around. At school, I'm the quiet kid. I don't talk to anyone except maybe 5 people, but other than that i tend to stay completely silent. It could be a mask? i dunno. but when im at home, ask my brothers, i am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. it might also be me just getting some of my energy out? RRAHHH I DUNNOOO

I will simply forget to do very important things to the point of endangering my health. Like forgetting to eat for a day straight. my step-mom thinks i have an ED AND I DONT. i literally just keep realizing suddenly at like 6 pm all i have eaten is a couple of skittles and pringles.

i have no clue how talking to people works and im constantly winging it. I forget how to have friends especially how to even talk or interact with them and its so stupid. I can't ever start a conversation with someone without having at least 5 minutes going "am i weird for this am i being annoying am i being clingy".

If i say even one thing wrong i WILL be thinking about it for DAYS thinking about how they probably hate me now and im a terrible person ect. ect.

I tend to hide many of my traits (especially good ones) because i am incredibly embarrassed and never want anyone to EVER compare themselves to me.

im a people pleaser does that count

i tend to get extremely upset if i get told one bad thing about something that i like or just a project i have. For example, I had this fandom silly man poll because i just wanted to find out who was silly. Then one of my friends just posted something like "i hate fandom polls theyre the worst" and i just lost complete motivation afterwards. I haven't touched that blog in WEEKS at this point becuase i simply have no more interst

I have had a meltdown or 2 before, and they both stemmed from being told about how i was a bad person. i don't know why the hell thats a thing

I can't stay focused on one thing for long periods of time (ADHD cough cough) Like literally earlier i was watching this video about autistic traits and i kept having to back the video up because i would get sidetracked in my mind to the point where im just not listening anymore

if im not paying attention to people sometimes I SWEAR theyre saying "ffajaleifnanamzmaldafjkjeffnma" and as soon as i start noticing it suddenly theres words again. hate that.

i have times where it can kinda seem like i cant speak, and if i do everything comes out wrong and jumbled. Like when my autistic friend would have a sensory related meltdown, i would never know what to do and end up going dead silent because of being so mad at myself for not knowing how to help (any tips actually hahahahaHOW DO I HELP)

i have little idea who the hell i am. had a mini-crisis because i didn't know what my favorite color was because before, it was the color my friend with synesthesia said i was and i just went with that (i think its purple or blue i have no fucking clue JFALJK)

i will have spikes of random motivation on one thing. like learning lanugauges, i will have a week where its so easy to get like 10 lessons on duolingo done a day and then the next week its a struggle to get even one done.

i focus better with distractions ??? I can't focus without music and tend to do better on reading tests if everyone else in the class is talking ???

i remember the most random things about certain things. Like, i could not for the LIFE of me remember what color that one persons hair that i was talking to for 15 minutes straight. but i can remember that they had pink socks on. WHY IS THAT WHAT I REMEMBER??

I hate organization and doing the same thing every day. i NEED chaos. My brother a little bit ago helped me out and got me to make a personal to-do list. i couldnt do it a single day even though the things were extremely simple like "brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast ect."

i zone out a LOT. especially when people bring up topics im uncomfortable with or conflict with my current feelings. i go into a kinda little talking (not nonverbal, i can still talk) or just confused state that freaking sucks.

when im in a high energy mood i tend to not feel.. reall???? I do many things overboard and annoy the heck out of my brothers. i always feel terrible afterwards.

Idk if this is weird to say but i tend to get really off put when people im comfy with get haircuts or major changes in their appearance. I never like the change no matter what the hair cut looks like. i dont have any clue why

i have no clue whether or not any of this is real or if I have managed to make it all up in my head. (bascially when i was younger i wanted attention and ended up faking depression for a year straight and was an absolute ass to my friends and blah blah blah)

#hiro.txt #autism #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #autistic #mental illness help #asd #asd help #nd help #rrahh #like i cant tell if i am masking INCREDIBLY WELL or not #i have no clue #oh its almost 1 am LOL

[luminousbravery]

Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a romantic matchup for Homestuck or Hiveswap? Both of you want, but just whoever fits the bill is fine.

I use he/they pronouns and I’m pansexual. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus, moon sign is Gemini.

Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. I find life a little nihilistic. I’m into dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome and morbid things like slashers, analog horror, death games, true crime documentaries, poetry, necromancy and anatomy. I typically consider myself a "Gorehound". I also like to visit abandoned hospitals and houses just for fun, along with playing quite a few escape rooms. I just have a genuine comfort in the uncomfortable.

I get a lot of monikers from friends and family like "discount vomitboyx", "doomer boy", and "Remake of Daria" before. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people.

When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. Even though I do have a hard time understanding physical social cues.

Lots of people don’t like me or stay away from me because of my rude behavior. I’m not good with overly sensitive or overly annoying people at all because of that, and I can’t stand kids. Idiocy can get on my nerves too sometimes. I’m a huge animal person though. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’ve been told I’m also a laidback person. I’ve also been told I never know when to quit, and I find I hold grudges for certain things.

I’m the type of person that has lots of opinions on things but I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above.

I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( Motionless in White, Deftones, System of a Down, Slipknot, Rob Zombie,,, sometimes Will Wood, The Front Bottoms, Jazmin Bean or Mother Mother, etc. ), or even occasionally playing video games or reading and talking about Greek mythology or some random documentary I read. I also do acting in my spare time, which I find really fun; and I’ve been learning to play guitar. My interests tend to be very restricted, and I shut down easily getting REALLY into new things.

I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being very submissive and maybe even masochistic- and a bit of a pyromaniac. I dissociate or daydream a lot, so you can often catch me starring.

I suffer from a handful off mental and physical syndromes like autism, GERD, arthritis, asthma, depression and anxiety. These have all been diagnosed professionally, and I’m definitely not trying to make myself "quirky". I have stims where I bite the inside of my cheek, pull my hair, crack or pop my bones, pick at scabs, fidget with my fingers or toy and bounce my leg. I even hiss or squeal when I’m upset. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. You don’t need to rocmantasize this stuff ofc, but I think it’s good to know so the person can tolerate me.

you do get to this, thanks for your time.

you gave me a lot to work with (which is kind of appreciated since some people tend to just give too little or not enough specifics.) i think i'd pair you with:

Dave. I think you two would be able to bond fairly easy. Plus, I feel like you could really help him unwind. He'd totally be into plushies eventually, as well, just give him time.

#homestuck #homestuck x reader #dave strider #homestuck matchup

[eats-the-stars]

ok so i’m probably not going to word this the best, but I think I’ve finally convinced my bro-in-law-to-be (white, straight) that he can’t keep making homophobic/racist jokes around the house or out in public. and for context, he’s actually not a very racist/homophobic dude, but when he hangs out with his dude friends (a group that includes one gay dude, a bi guy, and a black guy) they all tend to throw around those kind of jokes in good humor. which is fine if they’re out laughing it up or whatever. but...not around the house, when none of those people are present to reciprocate.

and the bro-in-law-to-be has explained over and over that “my gay/black friend was the one who said this joke so it’s cool for me to tell it” but...his gay friend is not here to laugh at the joke. his black friend is not here to laugh at his joke. The only people in this house are me (white nonbinary ace or lesbian i’m still figuring it out, also autistic), my sister (white, bi), and our straight white dad who is very racist/homophobic but usually keeps it on the down low since he knows that we do not share his views and WILL debate him if he makes a nasty comment.

So our dad is usually quiet about his messed up thoughts...UNLESS someone says something to indicate “Hey, I’m racist/homophobic, just like you!” and makes it a safe space to suddenly start talking about “the Chinese virus” or “businesses should be allowed to refuse service to gays” and all this other horrible stuff, which then means that my sister and I have to go through another grueling debate with our dad about how “eugenics is bad” and “refusing to bake a cake leads to refusing to lease an apartment and it’s a slippery slope” and EVERY TIME the bro-in-law-to-be has been like “wow i didn’t know your dad thought those things” while my sister and I are like “AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO HAVE THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN IF YOU STOPPED TELLING THESE JOKES AND ENCOURAGING HIM TO BE OPENLY RACIST/HOMOPHOBIC.”

I can’t believe we had to explain to my bro-in-law-to-be that ppl who are racist/homophobic keep an ear out for these kind of jokes in order to recognize each other. A joke is the safest way for them to test the waters. If it’s poorly received, they can just brush it off and go “oh it was just a joke, guys, it wasn’t serious, I don’t really think those things, haha.” BUT it also provides the option for ppl to laugh and go “oh yes, that’s a good joke, i’ll tell you an equally horrible joke to prove that i share your beliefs.” and BAM, they’ve identified a fellow racist/homophobe/etc. and now know that they can talk openly in front of this person, or look to them for support if an argument breaks out. And then suddenly the space you’re in has the potential to become very ugly very fast if the majority of people signal that they’re comfortable with this, and then, if you’re a person who doesn’t agree, you have to either step up and try to shut that shit down and potentially put yourself at risk (which can range from actual physical risk to the emotional/mental damage that comes with listening to someone say terrible things about a group you belong to).

And my bro-in-law-to-be has the luxury of not belonging to any of these groups. Which means that if he makes a stupid joke at the wrong time that lights the racist/homophobic/ableist fire in the room, he’s not at risk of getting burnt. At most he’s going to be uncomfortable or feel like “wow that’s horrible” but he won’t actually be at RISK in the same way my sister and I will be. The way anyone else in that room who’s black or gay or autistic will be once he starts that ball rolling.

And right now we’re trying to focus on him not starting those fires inside our house, around our dad. Because my sister and I have tried very hard over the years to try to talk our dad out of a lot of his shitty mindsets and it’s slow progress, but we’ve managed to convince him of small things over time. he’s a lot less ableist and sexist, for example. Those were easier to work on because he has three daughters (us) and we milked that angle hard, and because I’m autistic, which we also milked hard since i was able to convince him to look at me as having expertise about disabilities that made him value my opinion. We’ve also made strides on the homophobia front, too. If I ever figure out that i like girls (still working on that) and actually date a girl, I think he would be uncomfortable at first, but he wouldn’t reject me as his daughter or anything. likewise, if my sister (bi) broke up w/her boyfriend and started dating a girl, he would probably accept that. We know this mostly because our dad apparently thought that our youngest sis (the irony is she’s the only straight one) was dating her bff in high school and was cool with it. Might have a harder time if, like, his grandson turned out to be gay (he’s more accepting of lesbians/wlw??), but we’re working on it, and we got him to accept using our trans friend’s chosen name and pronouns instead of his deadname, which took time (i’m still not out to him as nonbinary, tho. my sister and online peeps are the only ppl who know right now). So we’ve made progress!

But THEN my bro-in-law has to throw dad a bone with these lame jokes that are uncomfortable to hear coming out of his mouth in the first place (why is it always a cis straight white guy who thinks he can tell any kind of joke as long as he “doesn’t mean it”?) and so this has brought back a lot of those old beliefs in our dad that we’ve been trying to smother. These last few years under Trump have already set him back, ngl, but bro-in-law-to-be was not helping.

it’s also so hard to try fighting racism in our dad, partly because our area is so white and most of our POC friends don’t live here anymore (so far our best success is directly exposing him to a person belonging to the group he hates, and slowly letting him see that they’re human. he’s so non-confrontational that he’s not going to say anything in front of the person, either, and we supervise the whole time, and inform our friend beforehand–our trans friend volunteered to help us previously). and you can’t just say “black lives matter because they’re human beings with intrinsic value equal to a white life” because...he’s racist. he’ll debate you all day or say “ok ok” and let the subject drop w/out changing his mind. you literally have to force him to regularly have positive reactions w/a real life person to change him. god...it’s like training a dog or exposure therapy or something but it’s the best we’ve got. it’s not like there’s a school where u can send ur racist parents to learn human decency.

and it’s hard because he’s our dad and we love him and it’s hard to look at someone you love and know that he believes that straight white abled lives have more intrinsic value than anyone else...just because. i hate that we live in a society where so many ppl hate each other for these things. and it’s just...up to everyone else in their lives to decide to do anything about it. and even then, it’s so hard. and our dad is just one person, and we’ve had years and the benefit of him loving us enough to listen. i can’t imagine trying to reform a stranger, or tons of ppl all at once...

#2020 #personal #racism #homophobia #it's one thing to hang out w/a bunch of LGBT+ pals and joke around #or to make jokes w/in your marginalized group #like here on tumblr it's generally fine to do that #i can make 'random thing' gave me autism jokes #or joke and say that i'm getting extra vaccines to level up to super saiyan autism #but i would never make those jokes around my conservative aunts #because i know that they genuinely believe that vaccines cause autism #and they would turn my joke into a debate #or literally not gonna lie ask me if i think 'random thing' really did give me autism #ah...but even then it's not the same as my bro-in-law because i AM autistic... #he's making gay jokes even tho he's straight #and like yeah ok w/ur friends who know ur not serious that's fine #but if you're in a room full of strangers and you make a joke like that #you're suddenly opening up a chance for the new topic of discussion to be something like #'should businesses be able to refuse service to gay people?' or 'should autistic ppl be allowed to reproduce?' #and BAM suddenly that space is very hostile for any gay/autistic/etc ppl #while bro-in-law will remain safe because he's not any of those things #which means his silly jokes are really hard for me to find funny at any time actually #because some ppl LITERALLY THINK THOSE THINGS #about ME PERSONALLY #i have to take these things seriously because they can affect my life #and i think it's kind of wild that it's the straight white dude who feels comfortable enough to throw these kind of #unfunny jokes around. like i get it he can just laugh and walk away but uh not everybody can do that #and there's a difference between cracking a gay joke on your liberal college campus #and cracking the same joke at your conservative family reunion #like just...don't do it please

[iheartchv]

Henlo! I saw that you do TMNT matchups and I've never had one done for me before, so I was wondering if you could do one for me and the ROTTMNT turtles? And could you please @ it to @genderfluid-plant-fixation so that I can find it? Hope it's no trouble 😅 Oh and I'm cool with sharing my name- it's Remy!

I'm Non-Binary, 5'9 and a lil chubby with broad shoulders. I've got blue eyes with short blue/green hair that's shaved on one side.

I'm a fanfic writer when my executive dysfunction allows me to actually write, but otherwise I'm often playing shooter and rpg video games. Or drawing! I like reference drawing characters.

I'd rather stick inside but if a friend asks to hang out, I always say yes as I crave friendship and am rather touch-starved (friends who love hugs are the best)

I have diagnosed depression, anxiety, PTSD and autism. I often feel like people don't get me, or that they don't care, so I often need reassurance and kind words. I don't often get them tho ^^'

I care a lot about people that I become friends with and often share a lot about myself quickly into the friendship. But I also love hearing about others, and I try my best to relate or comfort them if they need it. I try my best to be as kind as I can be, although some old bad habits from my anger issues pop by and make that difficult sometimes. If I make a mistake because of it, I try my best to fix it. My friends mean so much to me that I'm often afraid that they'll leave me out of nowhere one day..

I love learning, especially random little facts that aren't entirely helpful but are just cool to know. An example is that a type of orange butterflies are called Monarch Butterflies! I love sharing these with people, although I sometimes learn morbid ones that creep them out. Morbid jokes and puns are my sense of humour so it's hard to tell when I go too far sometimes.

I've never dated, but I think sitting out under the stars or inside a car when it's pouring down with some food would be an amazing date. It'd be so relaxing...

I could go on for awhile but I'm not sure if this is already too much, so I'll stop here. Thank you again 😊

Sure thing😄💕

🤔This is tough but I pick ... Leonardo💙

I think Leo'd have a crush on you

When you met the boys, he always tried to impress you to get your attention afterward

He became jealous when you started hanging out with Mikey, because you both have a creative mind

He liked the stories you came up with, whether by writing or drawing

He wants to be your inspiration for your stories and characters

However he can't get mad at his little cinnamon roll of a brother

Like you, he cares about his family and his close friends

He'll play video games with you whenever you want

Feeling down or depressed?

Leo will do his very best to see you smile and be happy

He'll tell you cheesy/ dad jokes

Just like what he does to his team, he'll tell you encouraging and kind words to help you feel better about yourself

After that he'll give you plenty of hugs

Making you feel better makes him feel good, too

Especially that since he's been appointed the leader of the Mad Dogz

He likes that you listen to him and try to help him in return

He loves your blue eyes

He secretly thinks you were meant to be his because they're blue, like his signature mask color

He's never been on dates, either, even though he may come off as a playboy

When you both go on a date, he gets nervous about what to talk about with you

You noticed his eyes kept looking away from you when yours met his

He didn't want this to be a bad first date

But after managing not to screw it up, he'd tell you that he 'like' likes you, and that's why he's tried so hard to get your attention whenever you spent a lot of time with Mike or his other bros

He grew on you too, and you couldn't deny the feelings you had for Leo

You told him how you felt and the smile he gave you melted your heart

Your first kiss was short but sweet

He wants to continue to go on more dates with you

Bringing you home, in total ninja secrecy, he'd blow you a kiss before leaving

You're always on his mind

(( I'd write more but it'd take forever ))

Hope you like it and got who you wanted😆😅

@genderfluid-plant-fixation

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2018 #ask #request #matchup #match up #leo #leonardo

[2ya2yao]

The Gift - Eunhyuk (f)

@heart-bleeding-autism-angel​ said:  Eunhyuk fluff when she showed a beautiful painting of himself as a birthday gift.

Pairing: Eunhyuk x fem!reader. Although I think it can be read as neutral!reader too.

Word count: 762

A/N: I hope it’s fluffy enough and I hope you like it! I wish you a happy birthday and hope you’re good! I love u! uwu💖

MASTERLIST

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Nervously, you sat on the table near the window on the restaurant. You waited for Hyukjae since minutes ago, and actually thought if he would come to meet you at the place.

You took your phone out of your bag and send a text. There wasn’t any call or message coming from him. He was busy, of course, and you planned this since the beginning of the year because you needed to see him after his busy schedule. And because you needed to give him something.

The waitress offered you a glass of water that you gladly accepted after waiting what it seemed like days. As you took a sip of the drink, you looked at the gift on the table. It was kind of small and wrapped carefully with some paper shopping bags that you had around and decorated them to look pretty.

Slowly, you felt that maybe he wasn’t coming to the restaurant. Your phone rang in that moment, it was him.

“Hello? Y/N?” you heard his voice on the other line.

“Hi!”

“I’m sorry I’m late, I’ll be there soon,” he said, you noticed he was ashamed. “Are you still there?”

“Yes, I am here. Don’t worry,” you smiled. “I’ll wait for you.”

“Thank you, I love you.”

You could sense his smile before he ended the call. Five minutes later you saw him walking to your table, with a smile on his face. He sat down in front of you. Tonight you couldn’t express your feelings too much though.

“Hi,” he said, rubbing his hands on his lap. “I’m sorry for the lateness-“

“It’s fine. I’m glad I can see you now,” you chuckled. He looked tired, but you hope for him to forget about everything that night.

“Thanks… for understanding,” he mumbled. “How have you been?”

“Good, better now that you’re here.”

Eunhyuk smiled. You noticed the slight blush on his cheeks. You guys been seeing each other for a good time, and you liked each other, but it was difficult to say what you actually were and you wanted to be with him as much as he did.

“Actually, I had something for you,” you whispered, handing the gift that he looked at since he came. “Happy birthday.”

Eunhyuk took the canvas on his hand, admiring the wrapping. He thought it was cute and well done, just like every single thing you did.

“The wrap is so beautiful…” he smiled, looking at it directly.

“Open it.”

Eunhyuk did as you told and gasped. It was a beautiful painting of himself.

“Wow, I don’t know what to say,” he smiled widely and chuckled slightly. “I didn’t expect this, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I spent almost a week making it,” you laughed. “But I’m happy you like it.”

“It’s gorgeous, like everything you make,” he complimented.

After he got his gift, both of you had a proper dinner and talked and joked about random stuff. He missed these kind of dates with you, and know more than ever, he was sure that he wanted to confess how much he loved you.

When you finished your food, you accompanied him to the parking lot. While you walked, he took your hand all the time, the other one had the painting you gave to him. You stopped some steps away from his car.

“I had a good time today, Y/N…”

“Me too,” you nodded.

Instinctively, you looked at him and felt the heat on your cheeks, making you turn your gaze away.

“I really liked it,” you muttered and hugged him.

Eunhyuk was surprised, but he surrounded your body with his arms. You weren’t sure about it, but you felt the urgency to do it and certainly you enjoyed his warmth. You separated from his embrace and waved your hand to him, walking away.

“Where are you going?!” he said.

“I’ll get a taxi, don’t worry,” you smiled.

“No, let me take you home,” he said. “Please.”

You hesitated, getting closer again.

“Okay, but I don’t want to be a burden…” you whispered.

“You’re not,” Eunhyuk reassured. “I’ll just ask you something in exchange…”

You were caught by surprise.

“And what is it?”

“Can I kiss you?” he asked, biting his lip.

You nodded, a smile on your face. He slowly leaned to catch your lips, soft and smoothly. You gasped into his mouth, his hand cupping your cheek to pull you closer to his body.

“That was good,” you muttered against his lips after breaking the kiss.

“I love you,” Eunhyuk confessed, taking your hand.

“I love you too.”

#super junior scenarios #super junior imagine #super junior scenario #super junior imagines #eunhyuk x reader #eunhyuk headcanons #eunhyuk reactions #eunhyuk imagine #eunhyuk scenarios #super junior drabble #suju imagines #suju fanfic #suju reactions #suju scenarios #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #eunhyuk #super junior

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

#my writing #p3 #p4 #p5 #persona 3 #persona 4 #persona 5 #ren #futaba #souji #hamuko #minato #vibes straight thru the sun #i sincerely hope the read more works #im so srry for grammar problems #i literally cant read rn

[fruit-teeth]

MADD FRIEND MADD FRIEND hope you don't mind if i ask a bunch of questions ^^" 1, 4, 5, 9, 15, 26, 30, 32, 38, 41, 42, 48? hope it's not too many, I'm really curious. I don't know many other MD'ers

Aaa thank you!! I don’t mind at all, I’ll do my best to answer them! I’m just now starting to be more open about my daydreaming, since I’m learning more about it and trying to understand myself better, so knowing other people who experience this is really helpful!!

1. For me the repetitive motion is pacing/running, though I pace most of the time. It’s possible for me to daydream without doing those things, although the daydreams I have when I’m sitting still or lying down are more low key and calm compared to the ones I have while moving around (most of the time, anyway).

4. Honestly, the perspective depends on what type of daydream I’m having or what’s going on. It tends to be third-person perspective, like I’m watching the events take place the same way I would watch a movie, but then other times (and what usually ends up happening) I take on the role of a character within the daydream, but it’s someone who isn’t actually me. Since a lot of my daydreams are TF2 related, the characters I tend to sort of gravitate towards and assume the roles of in daydreams are almost always Sniper, Medic, Scout, Spy, or Miss Pauling (I can take on roles of other characters, but these are the ones I daydream as the most). I guess you could say these are my avatars, but they change depending on what scenario I’m daydreaming about. However, I can interact with my paras as myself and not as someone else, but that usually happens if I’m stressed, anxious or bored.

In my non-TF2 daydreams, my avatar is a fictionalized version of myself called ‘Sapphire’, and Sapphire is basically me just with less anxiety over things. They’re everything I would like to be in real life, like the dress the way I would want to dress and they speak the way I wish I could speak, and usually I’m them in daydreams where I’m internet-famous in some way or where I do something really great.

5. I don’t really have linear daydreams?? They’re more like...episodic adventures that don’t really connect to each other. I mean they can, and they have before, but I get bored or certain plots quickly or they can sometimes get violent in ways I really don’t want them to, so I quickly abandon them to start a new, more comforting one.

9. Honestly...before I knew anything about maladaptive daydreaming, I was really ashamed of it. I mean, it was fun and I enjoyed it, and I always loved that it gave me ideas for stories (I have always loved writing), but my parents thought it was weird and they let me know they thought it was weird pretty much from the very beginning. They also tried to get me to stop doing it more than once, and didn’t understand that it was something out of my control. So for a long time I was super embarrassed by it and I thought there was something wrong with me, but it wasn’t until very recently that I discovered it and found out it was something lots of other people did.

15. Almost all of my paras are adopted from fiction, and they always have been, ever since I was a very small child. I only have a small handful of paras that are versions of real people in my life, and these include my girlfriend, a few friends I’ve had over the years, my old youth leaders from Sunday school, and also a few celebrities (although I don’t daydream about the celebrities much anymore).

26. I do actually! I act out my daydreams when I’m alone, mostly, or in the shower. But sometimes I can’t control it and I do things or make facial expressions that correlate with whatever’s happening in the daydream, and I have been caught doing this on more than one occasion, and it’s always weird to have to justify it to someone who doesn’t get it. I also do speak to my paras out loud, or for them, when things get either really intense or really funny (I have laughed out loud or quoted random vines SO many times because of daydreaming scenarios, but literally everyone in my life is used to it by now), and also I sing sometimes.

30. I don’t need music to daydream, but I like to have it because it adds a lot to the experience. I wear headphones, but I don’t always pay attention to how loud the music can get, and I do worry a lot about accidentally damaging my hearing through doing this but my hearing is fine according to hearing tests I’ve done, so at the moment I’m good.

32. It’s very energizing to me! Especially when I think of a good plot, it actually wakes me up a little. However pacing for a long time makes me very tired, and when that happens I have to pause my daydreams to do something else for a while. But like an hour or so later, I go right back to doing it.

38. I talk with my real-person paras whenever I’m daydreaming a conversation I’d like to have with them, but with my fictional paras, I tend to get into discussions with them when I’m stressed or upset. They give me advice if I need it and they’ll also let me vent, but most of the time they do something to distract me from what’s going on, like holding my hand or telling me a story about themselves.

41. My very first experience with maladaptive daydreaming happened when I was in first grade. My teacher had yelled at me about something I did, and she punished me by making me sit out in the hallway away from everyone else. I remember I was sitting there sobbing and wishing I could go home, when I suddenly just started imagining Team Rocket from Pokémon (I was a HUGE fan of Pokémon, and I loved Team Rocket) coming in and taking me out of school with them to go to the mall and watch movies at the theatre. It was very comforting, and for about a year or so I would daydream stories about hanging out with Team Rocket. They were my first paras, I guess you could say, and I actually really miss them sometimes.

42. I didn’t really know it was different until my parents started asking about it. I think they thought at first that I just had a really active imagination, but when I got older and I kept doing it, they started wondering if something was wrong with me. When I was first diagnosed with autism, my mother asked the psychologist about my pacing and my daydreams, and the psychologist essentially was like ‘it’s harmful and it needs to stop’. I remember being asked, “Are you going to keep pacing when you’re in college? When you’re married? Do you really want to keep doing this? You have to stop sometime,” jokes on that psychologist, because it’s been over a decade since she said that and I am in college now and I STILL do this! In all seriousness fuck that bitch

48. Oh yeah, I’ve had to edit my daydreams more than once. Usually if something gets too weird or fucked up or violent, I’ve had to sort of slam the brakes and backtrack to try again. Sometimes it’s hard to get out of those scenarios, though, and it can get really scary or sad sometimes, and afterwards I feel really exhausted and upset. That doesn’t happen a lot, though, thankfully, but when it does happen it’s really unpleasant.

#ask #answered #ask game #maladaptive daydreaming #madd #just me things #tf2 #hope this makes sense #lol #im kinda jumbled cause i dont get to talk about it a lot and its just really nice to get a chance to do so

[itchyboogers]

hello comrades

my name is grace. i'm gonna be honest right now, not sure exactly what this post is. just because i can't function without order, i'm gonna make a list of reasons why i'm sharing my story:

to spread awareness

because i need an outlet

many of my friends suggested i share this

simply to entertain whoever might take a look at it

just in case, because of my paranoia, i’m saying right now i don’t want any witch hunt. i feel like saying this is really reaching in terms of how many people are gonna read this, but my concern insists. this is gonna be a long article, so i’m putting the little “read more” thingamabob right here. 

trigger warning, for like, everything

about me; prologue?

as you saw above, my name is grace. i’m 19, and this is a very personal experience that i’ve gone through. first, let me introduce everything that’s wrong with me. i have high-functioning autism, and throughout my life my autism has been the root of my downfall. ever since 2nd grade i’ve gotten the short end of the stick. you always hear about prodigy kids whose grades and social lives falter as the years pass, i am 100% one of them. this story isn’t necessarily about me, but i’ve been through some shit, son. 

i have a family that is more supportive than i could ever ask for, i’m not gonna lie and say that my at-home life was miserable - because home was my safe place, and public school was where i fought my battles. i was a very eccentric kid and while my autism has limited me, it has also given me the ability to think outside of the box, blah blah blah so i’m grateful for it as well. 

by the time i got to 6th grade, things went way more south than i thought they could go. i was a bit of an edgelord back then so i was skipping 4th period with my friend in the locker room. we’re dicking around, looking in lockers, climbing the stalls, being stupid kids. somewhere along the line we jump into the topic of sexuality, and she tells me she thinks she might be bi. i said that wouldn’t change anything about us, and that i might not like boys at all. 

she told me about her parents not agreeing with the whole gay thing and she wasn’t even close to thinking of coming out of the closet because her parents would disown her. real fucked up, but it happened back then still quite frequently. i promised her i wouldn’t tell anybody and that i wouldn’t even think about outing her to anyone, and we gave each other a cute little friend hug, it was cute.

about 3 days later on the weekend, we’re texting and a small argument boils between us and another friend in a group chat. it starts to become a bigger argument, because kids are stupid and dramatic, and i definitely was. she ended up kicking me out of the group chat and i cried myself to sleep (i know lmao). i went to school on monday and i immediately get called into the principal’s office, regarding sexual assault claims. she lied and told the school faculty that i tried to touch her inappropriately during that time we skipped class in the locker room. she also got her friends to tell everybody.

long story short i became severely depressed, gained weight, got my head shoved in a toilet filled with piss by some 8th graders friends with that girl’s older sister, and started self-harming to suppress my urge to hurt other people. my meds got switched around (it’s why i gained weight) and i ended up switching schools because a public school had an IEP i think it was called? anyway

blah blah blah countless school stories and misfortunes blah blah blah crohn’s disease blah blah blah ambulance sent to the school all that jazz. it’s gonna hurt too much if i talk about PRLC, but basically there was a low-funded school for kids who wanted a second chance due to disability, drugs, ect. it was out at a wildlife preservation park with all sorts of animals, i met my best friends there, became the person i am today, ect. but staff changes ended up changing the school for the worse and eventually i got dismissed.

very long depression period, i got kicked out from the school i used to call a second home back in 2018 and this cycle hasn’t ended yet, to this day. i’m hoping writing this will give me some closure or something, because writing about my misfortunes online has sent me opportunities in the past. i am not a perfect person, i never have been, and i can still name many things about my psyche and outlook on life that i’d like to someday change.

the main course

this is where i start talking about somebody that i won’t mention by name, but i’ll call him music boy for convenience. in december of last year i got to see my favorite band live for the second time, the first being april of 2018. i love this band with all my heart, and i’m not going to mention them by name. but after the concert i was going through some heavy post-concert sadness, and i wanted to share my love and appreciation so i find a semi-active discord server dedicated to said band, and i join. i make some friends and acquaintances over a span of 2-3 months.

marijuana got legalized in my state this year, something i had been anticipating for a long time, ergo from january 2020 to the beginning of april 2020, i was in a constant state of stoned off my ass. nobody saw sober grace until the late days of april. i was not in any way able to make proper decisions regarding, say, a relationship. and it was really obvious that i was high, nobody would have thought otherwise.

after i get home from a birthday vacation to arizona on february 2nd, i start going in the voice chats for the server. i would say in the general chat something along the lines of “sick, i’m super baked i’m gonna go bother the voice chat” and i end up in a group chat consisting of most of the server members that are “of age” (so not too many). at this point i’m barely aware i’m making friends, but one person in the group i really happened to resonate with. her name is Christina, and she’s to this day my number 1 mom friend and goblin sibling. <3

i meet a handful of more people in the group chat (we called it the “after hours”) and we have a lot of fun doing different activities over discord. for example we all decided to sign up for club penguin online (which is now proven to be run by a predator, i believe) and we all battled each other in card-jitsu. or i would share my screen as i went on Omegle and did goofy high shit on there and met people under the “memes” or “weed” tags. 

in this after hours group chat, one of the active members was music boy. he was the owner of the server dedicated to the band i love. why music boy? because he wants desperately to become a famous musician. there’s something about music boy that’s... ‘different’. i don’t know if anyone knows what i mean when i say, his energy was awry. the best way to describe music boy is kind of mean, but it’s the only way i’m able to express how this guy is as a person. i can best describe him by saying he expects his life to play out as a WattPad fanfiction, him being the main character. 

just so you get the main point, this one time i was on Omegle dicking around ha ha funny random people, but music boy was silent. he then typed in the chat that he was gonna go on Omegle himself and do something painfully unfunny, he said he was gonna get his guitar and use that as a prop to “vibe check” people on the website. it wasn’t funny but everybody (me included) was sort of brainwashed into thinking he could do no wrong. don’t know how he got me to laugh at that, especially with his delivery of the joke. 

yet, he didn’t want to “vibe check” people, i know that now - he just couldn’t stand when he wasn’t the center of attention. so he left and told a mod, who was also in the group chat, to join the server voice chat with him. and he announced that he was streaming himself vibe checking people on Omegle. the iffy part about that is that the entire reason he made the after hours chat was to keep NSFW stuff off the server, and it was basically prompted by me streaming myself messing around on Omegle and seeing a lot of (pretty expected) male genitalia. i’m not gonna explain that any further because anybody with a brain can understand why that was a confusing move on his part.

eventually february 14th came by, and i, being as high as i was, decided to send music boy a bunch of goofy valentine’s day cards, like the ones that were popular in 2013. i kept sending them because at the time i thought it was so funny, and i’m a natural flirt when i’m stoned. keep in mind everybody knew they hadn’t seen me sober yet, the joke in the server was basically 'when is grace not high?’ so it was evident that my decision-making process was impaired.

for some reason music boy wanted us to all play DnD, even though half of us didn’t know or give a rat’s ass how to play. i would make stupid jokes, and everybody would laugh, but music boy would exaggerate, he would go ‘oh thats how it is? is that how this is going to be’ or some unfunny shit like that because he thought every single joke or reference that anyone made had something to do with him, because, you know, he is the main character, after all. he eventually made a really embarrassing big deal about him ‘accepting my valentine proposal’ and then he went to bed i guess.

the next day or two is a blur to me, all i remember and know is that Christina knew that he was taking advantage of me always being super high, but she didn’t want to assume anything. like she had always seen me make a joke and then would see music boy turn that joke sexual, even when it was nearly impossible to make a suggestive joke out of what i originally joked about, which to be honest was probably my flawless Sméagol impression. but he would repeat the Gollum voice and say something unfunny that we all laughed at.

basically, if you haven’t caught on, music boy is a major egotistical narcissist that cannot stand having somebody that isn’t him being paid attention to. he told me his “dream” (that's TOTALLY gonna come true, by the way) was to go to a concert of the band the server was dedicated to, but he would show up in a custom made shirt that said “[lead singer of band] IS A THOT” and then the band’s guitarist would point it out and laugh because it’s SO funny and then get the lead singer’s attention, who would pull music boy on stage and challenge him to pehen he would start serenading the crowd and all the girls’ panties would instantly get soaked, all the tabloids would hear about it, and the band would jizz their pants, and he would become an overnight sensation.

here’s where stuff gets dodgy. i’m not claiming this is abuse, because i don’t have experience with abusive relationships, and i’m not in any place to assume that i understand what it’s like to be in one, but my friends have told me that he mentally abused me and took advantage of the state i was in. somewhere along the line he would, in the group call, tell his sob story about how all his friends ghosted him and tried to cancel him because of some sort of misconduct accusation in a previous server, and how i was his savior for putting my trust in him and believing his side of the story and he said some things about becoming a happier person because he met me, and it was all very unnecessarily dramatic and extremely manipulative disregarding if he noticed he was doing it or not.

I.E.

“and... then I met this girl... this really weird girl! then i saw her face, and i thought i loved her, but i found out she only liked girls and i lost all hope but then out of nowhere she sends me valentines cards! and now shes my valentine”

or some really really stupid gay shit like that, it’s the best i can imitate him without gagging or getting sick. then eventually (eventually being equal to ‘within the first week of meeting me’) he hEsiTaNtLy asks me to, like, idk be his e-girlfriend. he knew i was baked to oblivion and wasn’t in a proper state to make up my mind on anything serious but then again am i the main character? 

no. 

music boy is the main character.

if i’m being gut-wrenchingly honest here, i only genuinely liked the idea of being in an e-relationship with music boy for a day or a day and a half. the entire time i was just stoned out of my mind and not thinking as i normally do, i was nonchalant until april fools day when all hell broke loose in the server. on a live stream, the lead singer of the band made a suggestion that he was in the server that music boy made. and dear God, you would have thought it was the second coming of Christ by the way music boy reacted to it. 

he was being unbelievably hyper, even for someone with ADHD. he was hauling his uncanny-valley looking forcibly ripped body around his room like a genetically mutated spider monkey, banging his head against his bed, stopping mid-sentence to play a quirky chord on his handy dandy acoustic guitar while he looked in the webcam and made a quirky blank face. it was like watching a six y/o meet Iron Man, even though there was nothing really to be too elated about. 

he made an emoji for it and everything, he even posted on the “Official [band name] Discord Server”’s instagram account, but it was just a video of him, and the thumbnail was his goofy ass face, the whole video was just music boy saying unfunny shit trying to lowkey promote the server while flexing at the same time, something like [lead singer] we know you’re here!! you are welcome here my lord idk lmfaooo

but at this point i was becoming too sober to stand by silently and watch this moron suck his own toes, i wasn’t gonna act like his music was good and i wasn’t gonna act like he was gonna become a superstar without question. the breaking point was mostly when he almost came his pants and cried when the lead singer allegedly joined his server, but i came close to breaking when i started casually humming in the group call and hes like 

Hold Up 👁️👄👁️ wait you’re so good... why are you so good? you’re like really good and i mean it!! you’re like, almost as good as me! but you know i have YEARS of practice you know haha but you’re like super good!

and then I decided to humor myself by showing him a cover i recorded and the first thing he said after listening to it halfway was “this scares me”, so that was a pretty big warning sign.

blah blah blah i cried for an hour after that then called him again just to break up with him because of my own mental health and he did handle this very well, not bashing him for that. i basically told him no we aren’t taking a break this shindig will no longer continue, like at all, ever and hes like okay cool yknow it hurts but ill get over it, and i really didnt expect that. because, he basically implied that if i left him he would k*ll himself.

i tried to keep the friendship going because i dont like abandoning people, but he slowly started getting distant from me, and the entire server kind of distanced themselves from me too, but at the time i only noticed music boy getting apprehensive with me. keep in mind (i keep saying that, don’t i?) i thought everybody in the server was cool with me making offensive-ish jokes because they had no problem with it during the time i was “with” music boy. then one day i get called out for talking about - i’m not joking - weed. i started ranting about how weed is my medicine and it was kinda silly to get so pissy over the devil’s lettuce but i dont think i made too big of a deal out of what i could have made.

couple days later im talking in the server again. i’m a very blunt person, my humor is very dry and it can tend to go over some people’s heads if they don’t have enough brain cells. i made a joke that i’d already made in the server before about me being r-word because autism and haha funny joke. 

i get kicked out of the server.

at the time i was confused because i had no idea that i even said anything wrong. i messaged music boy a bit passive-aggressively because despite my confusion i still had a vague idea of what was happening. i said something like "was i too edgy" and like 3 minutes later he responds "you were making a lot of dudes uncomfortable”

mcscuse me bietch?

NOBODYYYYY in the general chat had told me that i was making them feel uncomfy whatsoever, and i dont think anything could have implied that anyone was in any way uncomfortable, and with these social situations i’ve explained to everyone in the after hours chat that sometimes i don’t get social cues. i’m autistic!!! it’s a very rare occurrence when i’m able to ‘read the room’. i thought they knew that but they decided to have a private staff meeting and they all agreed it was best to BAN ME from the server. 

the thing is if i had been messaged, if i was let known that people were bitching about me calling myself r******d then i would have definitely complied. i can understand people feeling a bit weird when i make fun of myself using no-no words, and i’m definitely willing to stop saying a certain thing if it genuinely makes somebody feel uneasy. but nobody said anything about it to me. not a single word.

considering the server has gone to a snowflake kingdom since my exit, i’m not too upset about being kicked out. what i am upset about regards him knowing i wasn’t in a proper state to make any decisions. decisions including NSFW decisions that he hinted at for about 5 minutes before i stopped saying ‘ehhh i don’t know if i’m comfortable with this’ and he didn’t have to beg for coochie anymore. i’m honestly lucky because i can’t remember most of what he coaxed me to do, because if i think about it too much it gets traumatic and i start feeling nauseous.

Christina has been in the server just to tell me what new bullshit has been going on in the rules, and the ever-expanding list of things that you aren’t allowed to talk about in the server, we have a good chuckle at it. i got high again about a week ago, and told my friends the audacity of what music boy actually had done to me and we all agreed to go under a vpn and raid the server, because why not, its funny haha goofy joke. we were having the best time and i was about to piss myself laughing when one of my friends name-drops me and the whoooole gig is over. we get kicked out and Christina pretends to act like she had no clue what was going on, so she could stay in and screenshot this:

she didn’t know how badly that term in itself would send me down a long overdue psychotic episode because about a year or two ago, i was getting concerned that i might have anti-social personality disorder, the ‘proper’ term for a diagnosed psychopath. it ended up nonconclusive, so i don’t necessarily believe i have it, but for some reason him calling me that word really fucked me up. but here’s a pretty funny and cringy sequence of things he typed in to get his cult of teenagers to feel bad for him.

don’t go looking for this person, don’t go looking for the band, i’m just sharing my story because maybe somebody could benefit from my experience being told. i’m trying to jump over this long ass hurdle that’s kept me in one place for wayyy too long, i’m hoping that sharing this endeavor could help my psyche, and perhaps push me forward and lead me towards gathering up the courage i’m missing to finally study for and take the GED test, graduate, and put public school and it’s challenges behind me.

if you read this long and want to talk to me about it, by all means, ask questions, make jokes, ask for more goofy ass screenshots of how i’ve made fun of him, more drama queen music boy tales, because we have a handful, trust me. 

i don’t expect anyone to read this or necessarily care about this, but if you’ve come this far, from the bottom of my heart, do not date a musician. and, of course, thank you for reading. but still, don’t date a musician. especially if it’s a man. mega especially x2 if you’ve only known them for less than a week.

add me on roblox i’m user xulue i’m a funny gal and im a pro gamer

stay safe out there, be kind, and for the love of God don’t bring your guitar to the voice channel <3

#xulue #tw: manipulation #tw: self harm #tw: drugs #tw: slurs #narcissist #npd #mental manipulation #mine #taken advantage of #autism #impaired judgement #my ex #discord #discord server #personal

[ofreese]

[  katie  douglas,  cis  female,  twenty  one  ]  it  looks  like  REESE  DUPREE  is  late  to  class  once  again.  how  do  they  expect  to  get  their  degree  in  ANIMAL  BIOLOGY  by  skipping  class  ?  it’s  a  wonder  that  they  made  it  to  their  JUNIOR  year.  then  again,  i  heard  that  they  were  HONEST  which  may  give  them  a  pass  with  professors,  but  they  are  also  SINGLEMINDED  so  maybe  not.  all  i  know  is  that  they  remind  me  of  CRAMPED  NOTES  FROM  EARLY  MORNING  LABS,  A  LIT  JOINT  UNDERNEATH  THE  STARS,  FLANNEL  SHIRTS  NEARLY  WORN  THROUGH  AT  THE  ELBOWS.  so  watch  out.  oh  look,  SHE  just  walked  in  !

first  off  reese  is  uhhhhh  a  BIG  fuckin  nerd

hails  from  alabama  so  she  has  a  slight  southern  accent

oldest  of  two  girls  (  you  might  know  her  younger  sister,  avery  )

ever  since  she  was  little,  reese  kinda  did  her  own  thing  ?  she  was  a  bit  of  a  handful  as  a  child.  she  was  a  super  picky  eater  and  refused  to  eat  most  the  food  her  parents  made.  she  also  refused  to  wear  a  lot  of  clothes  they  bought  her.  she  didn’t  like  hugs  and  didn’t  like  making  eye  contact,  and  she  was  rather  mature  for  her  age  instead  of  the  cutesy  little  girl  her  parents  obviously  wanted.  

so  eventually  her  parents  just  kinda  gave  up  and  let  her  do  her  own  thing,  preferring  to  focus  more  on  her  younger  sister.  from  a  young  age  reese  has  been  making  her  own  food  and  doing  her  own  thing  and  taking  care  of  herself,  just  cause  that’s  the  way  she  prefers  it.

starting  school  she  had  a  bit  of  trouble  because  she  wasn’t  super  social.  she  also  had  issues  with  school  itself  –  though  she  excelled  with  some  teachers  in  some  subjects,  other  teachers  complained  she  wasn’t  paying  attention,  or  she  wasn’t  applying  herself.

eventually  the  issues  worked  themselves  out.  reese  began  to  make  a  group  of  friends,  and  her  grades  stabilized  and  then  rose.  she  was  quiet  in  class,  polite,  well-behaved,  if  a  little  socially  anxious.  even  still,  she  managed  to  hold  on  to  a  small  group  of  friends  relatively  well.

and  then  reese  went  to  university,  where  she  lived  in  a  dorm  and  had  classes  and  meals  with  hundreds  of  strangers.  it  was  totally  overwhelming  for  her  and  she  kind  of  shut  down.  she  spent  all  day  in  her  dark  dorm,  and  she  missed  classes  and  meals.  at  one  point,  she  was  seriously  considering  dropping  out.

that’s  when  she  was  finally  diagnosed  with  asd  (  autism  spectrum  disorder  )  at  19  years  old.  thankfully  this  let  her  get  the  supports  she  needed  to  succeed  and  she  managed  to  pull  her  grades  up  enough  move  on  to  her  second  year,  despite  being  on  academic  probation  due  to  low  grades.

she  sees  a  school  counsellor  regularly  to  help  her  stay  on  top  of  executive  function  tasks,  such  as  organization  and  time  management

she  also  takes  tests  and  exams  separately  &  gets  extra  time  because  she  often  experiences  sensory  overload  in  testing  situations  (  when  people  are  sniffing  or  coughing,  or  the  scratching  of  pencils  on  paper,  chairs  scooting  on  the  ground,  etc  )

amazingly  she  managed  to  get  a  position  at  a  lab  in  the  entomology  department  for  her  second  year  !  she’s  in  animal  biology  but  she  specifically  wants  to  be  an  entomologist  –  someone  who  studies  insects.  she’s  been  interested  in  bugs  ever  since  she  was  little  (  and  probably  briefly  had  an  ant  farm  as  a  kid  ).  but  being  on  the  spectrum,  she  learned  to  mimic  the  social  behaviour  of  her  peers,  and  not  many  girls  really  like  bugs  very  much.  so  she  learned  to  mask  that  interest  for  much  of  her  childhood.

but  anyway  yeah  she  works  in  a  lab  with  termites  and  loves  it  ehehehe.  like  i  said,  big  nerd

after  undergrad,  she  wants  to  go  to  grad  school  and  then  move  to  live  in  the  british  columbia  forests  and  study  pine  beetles

fuckin  nerd

a  lot  of  people  have  remarked  she  doesn’t  “seem”  autistic,  and  that’s  honestly  because  she’s  learned  to  pick  up  social  cues  from  others  and  mimic  what  they’re  doing,  especially  if  she  doesn’t  know  them  well  enough  to  be  herself  around  them.  ‘masking’  her  nature  like  this  can  be  pretty  tiring,  so  she  needs  a  lot  of  alone  time  to  rejuvenate  herself.  it’s  easier  when  it’s  one  on  one  or  with  people  she’s  more  comfortable  with

she  does  enjoy  socializing,  it’s  just  that  social  cues  don’t  come  naturally  to  her

probably  doesn’t  go  to  major  social  events  like  parties  very  often

smokes  weed  fairly  regularly  because  it  helps  relieve  a  lot  of  the  emotional  pressure  and  exhaustion  she  experiences  day  to  day

what  else  to  say  ?  she’s  still  very  independent  and  likes  doing  most  things  herself,  when  she  can.  fairly  quiet.  very  smart.  hates  lying  and  isn’t  very  good  at  it,  so  she  very  rarely  lies.

some  other  random  stuff:  

her  family’s  like  p  rich  but  she’s  still  getting  paid  for  her  lab  work

not  great  at  small  talk

wears  loose  flannels  90%  of  the  time  because  she  likes  the  feel  of  them

catch  her  chewing  on  her  pencils  or  clicking  her  pen  when  she’s  focusing

has  an  extreme  irrational  phobia  of  vomiting

bisexual  babe

has  headphones  in  listening  to  music  or  white  noise  like  75%  of  the  time

like  ...  so  smol  omg.  katie  douglas  is  5′1″ so  i’m  just  gonna  say  reese  is  5′1″  too.

she  played  sims  2  like  all  the  time  when  she  was  younger

she  has  heard  all  your  reese’s  pieces  jokes  already,  i  promise

has  a  water  bottle  made  from  recycled  metal  she  always  carries  with  her  

ok  i  gotta  go  to  dinner  now  but  pls  give  me  all  the  plots  …  friends,  ex-friends,  will-they-won’t-they,  lab  partners,  etc  etc  !  i’ll  probably  write  up  a  smol  wanted  connections  post  later  but  for  now  have  this  too-long  intro  hehe

#whittonintro

[aretheyautistic]

Autistic head cannon of the day is Aaron Burr from the musical Hamilton!

Burr is terrible with expressing and understanding emotions which is totally a problem autistic people have. (It's annoying cause you're really happy or whatever but you can't put the slightest emotional sound in your voice so people assume you are grumpy. It's cause we have low empathy meaning we can't read emotions well)

If you don't think Burr misses sarcasm or that somethings a joke and takes it o seriously I disagree sorry he totally does that.

He cried over his umbrella for a week what neurotypical man does that come on

Despite being super duper smart and having an awesome memory (sometimes is a symptom of autism that is right there) but still also lacked large amounts of common sense like that time he caught himself on fire (I don't say it to be mean I say it cause it's soooo me)

Had a hard time relating to anyone in the play are you serious.

Food is a difficult thing but like we really like consistency and stuff not changing so of COURSE he basically eats nothing but grapes and coconuts

OCD and anxiety are sometimes mistaken for autism because similar symptoms in some areas

The man who is constantly exasperated and just wants the world to be quieter and slower being extra sensitive to stimuli? Being overstimulated and having break downs? Nah what am I even talking about of course not.

Also? There's a thing called going non verbal and it's like it becomes physically painful to speak or write an is very random and annoying. Mr talk less smile more would definitely suffer this

It is an autistic mood constantly worrying that you've said to much because you know you can't tell when someone wants you to shut up so burr could be really quiet because he's over trying to not dominate the conversation or annoy anyone? I love this idea?

Idk how he'd stim but boi do he gotta. Maybe have ham or laf (i say laf cause the whole you are the worst burr deal) or Jefferson or someone be a dick and tease him for it because I like my fanfics to make me suffer.

"My fellow soldiers will tell you I'm a terrible shot" and almost killing himself multiple times from tripping. Lack of fine motor skills right there which is also a symptom of autism.

Insomnia

One time I was trying to compliment someone on their new style but instead said "you look good WHAT HAPPENED" which is totally something our precious human disaster would do by accident come on you know he would.

Accidentally says vague nonsensical things and expects people to get them. Ex: "if I can prove that I never broke a law do you swear to never tell a soul what you saw" "no one else was in the room where it happened." ?????? Is. Is that a yes? Yeah it is he's saying what happens in the room stays in the room cool just really weirdly. "How do I know you won't use this against me the next time we go toe to toe" "Alexander rumors only grow. And we both know what we know" sounds threatening but totally could have been meant as "I have no control what shit Madison and Jefferson say about you but you know I get it cause I had an unsavory affair to which is how you know IIIII am not the one using it against you"

He always gave me the impression he'd be super organized to the point of freaking out if something was messed up? Not like "Hamilton I have stuff to do today you're throwing off my grove" but more of a "that painting is tilted three cm and I swear I will explode if it doesn't get fixed" "burr this is literally the nicest part of this crack house" "I KNOW but you can either be MESSY or NOT MESSY INBETWEEN IS NOT AN OPTION ITS GOTTA BE PERFECT OR A DISASTER MAKE UP YOUR MIND"

His hyper fixation is probably Mary Wollstonecraft, theology (but like abstractly because his granddaddy mighta been a fire and brimstone preacher but burrs last words were literally denying gods existence. He did still go to school for theology tho), law, maybe mythology or different languages, or like code breaking cause that's actually really fun looking or those patterns.

[thebachelordiaries]

Two Engagements and a Funeral: ‘The Bachelor’ Premiere Recap

So here it is...what Bachelor producers have been waiting for since they created this show: a virgin Bachelor.

There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin. As we all know it’s a social construct. Colton is clearly a virgin by choice, and like a girl said on Kaitlyn Bristowe’s podcast, he’s definitley gotten a bunch of bl*w j*bs in his life.

It’s annoying when people fixate on someone’s virginity. Kind of like during my freshman year of college when every guy I rejected would tell me I’m going to “die a virgin.” Well jokes on them because I’m still alive, but I digress.

What’s the opposite of 10 pounds of sh*t in a 5 pound bag? Whatever that word is, it perfectly described episode 1 of The Bachelor. The premiere was 90 minutes of content strung out into three hours. It’s not like my time is precious, but if you’re going to make us sit for three hours, at least keep me glued to the screen.

The only good thing about this unnecessarily long episode was the Chris Harrison montage, which got me my first viral tweet of the season:

My tweet was like seven likes short of 3k likes, but I’m not obsessing over it or anything...

I enjoyed this premiere when I wasn’t watching random people I don’t know get engaged. It had all the makings of a great premiere: a girl in a sloth costume, some “villain” interrupting Colton multiple times, an annoying amount of virgin jokes, at least two beauty queens, and not one, not two, but THREE kisses on night one. Not bad for a virgin who can’t drive. The only thing missing was the drunk girl, but we did have a Cinderella, so that’s close enough.

I never know how to write about the premiere. There are 30 (THIRTY!!!) contestants. There’s no way I can write thoroughly about every single one. And it’s not like all 30 of them were memorable. 

A special few got video intro packages:

Cassie— a California blonde who is a speech pathologist (but not really because she needs more education). She surfs and looks like Hillary Duff a la Lizzie McGuire days.

Hannah B.— an Alabama beauty queen who seems cracked out on too much coffee, but for some reason I really like her. She felt the need to mention she only kissed four guys despite not being a virgin. Children, keep some things to yourself, ok?

Katie— She’s a dancer from the “east coast.” I like how The Bachelor just glosses over the northeast, but focuses heavily on someone’s southern roots. Rude!

Heather— her occupation is “Never Been Kissed.” That’s all you will ever need to know about her. If producers don’t force her to kiss Colton by at least episode two and then change her occupation to “Been Kissed,” then they failed at their jobs.

Onyeka— She comes from a Nigerian family and claims she “doesn’t care” what people think of her. I highly doubt that.

Nicole— Why do I just want to give her a hug? Nicole hails from Miami, so she’s bilingual with a nice accent. Also, her brother has autism and she says they’re a “package deal.” Be still my heart.

Kirpa— The dental hygiene jokes have been played out. I want no further mention of her profession from here on out. 

Demi— Here we go. We found the girl who is carrying this season. Demi is a little firecracker whose mom is in prison. Her mom is expected to get out soon. Could you imagine that hometown date? The Bachelor may finally get its Emmy.

Memorable limo entrances

Demi was first out the limo, which means she may be a strong contender. She said she hasn’t dated a virgin since “she was like 12″ which is like, kind of concerning? I hope she wasn’t serious, or else I’m gonna like, call the cops. She seems very humble.

Caelynn, who was Miss USA first runner-up (WTF is she doing on this show?), came out the limo in her “Miss North Carolina” sash, but turned it to reveal a “Miss Underwood” on the other side. I guess that means she’s vying to become Colton’s sister.

Sydney quit her job to come here and somehow thinks she made the right choice. Big mistake. Huge.

Cassie came out in a floral dress that seemed way too casual for the occasion, and also out of season. She is however clearly getting a good edit considering the lovey-dovey music that accompanied her entrance.

Kirpa just looked classically beautiful. She had her hair french-braded, which in a world of beachy waves was nice to see. Also she wore a gorgeous sparkly purple dress. I was a fan.

Kaitlyn came out carrying a balloon that looked like an apple. She popped it and told Colton, “I just popped your cherry,” however we all know it wasn’t a cherry balloon.

Katie did a V-card card trick.

Alex came out like a sloth— literally and figuratively. She wore a sloth costume and moved/spoke at a very slow pace. I know some people enjoyed this bit, but I personally did not.

Tracy, a wardrobe stylist, called herself the “fashion police” yet wore a cutoff wife beater. Is it possible for her to arrest herself? 

Bri— we all got to see her limo entrance leading up to the premiere as it was promoted on social media. And her entrance went extremely viral: she pretended to have an Australian accent to “do what she can to stand out.” I respected her hustle.

Catherine brought Lucy her 10-year-old Pomeranian with her. She is the Real Housewife of the Bachelor Mansion and obviously this season’s villain.

Important stuff that happened inside the mansion

Colton kissed three girls (3! THREE!) By Hannah B.’s standards, he just needs to kiss one more girl and then he’s no longer a virgin. I call that basic math. He kissed Caelynn, Katie and Hannah G. I will admit Katie looked very thirsty for that kiss. She was very much up all in his personal space. Colton also looked like he wanted to kiss Cassie, but she wasn’t really giving him the opportunity. He kissed Hannah G. after he gave her the first impression rose. I don’t want to brag, but I knew he was going to give it to her after they first spoke.

Side bar: Hannah G. looks like and has mannerisms similar to Heidi Pratt. It took me awhile to figure it out, but I feel a major relief after it clicked for me.

Catherine interrupted Colton about four times. Clearly this was a produced move, but yeah, this doesn’t make her very likable among the other girls.

Rose Ceremony

About seven girls went home: sloth girl (bless up), some girl who came dressed up as Cinderella, Devin the TV reporter who I knew wasn’t going to last, Tahzjuan, and other girls who don’t matter.

Rose order is pretty important, so here it is:

Caelynn

Katie

Alex B

Hannah B

Onyeka

.....

i 

forget

the

rest

My top 5 predictions based on the first night in no particular order:

Hannah G.

Caelynn

Cassie

Demi

Katie

Wildcards: Alex B, Onyeka, Hannah B.

Wait— I forgot about the most important celebrity doppelganger of them all: Caelynn and Furby

Who is your favorite contestant so far? Comment below or DM me.

#The Bachelor #colton underwood #abc #chris harrison #photo credit: ABC

[daleisgreat]

The Accountant

I have been anticipating doing today’s entry for awhile, but held off to put some distance behind my initial theatrical viewing two and a half years ago to see if 2016’s The Accountant (trailer) was still worthy of being ranked as my 2016 film of the year. After re-watching it yesterday I can safely assure it absolutely does. Another reason I was a little reluctant going back to it was being trepid of having rose-colored glasses for the time and place I originally saw The Accountant. I was on my last day of work before starting a vacation in fall of 2016 and on break I was skimming through the local paper’s entertainment section and it had a little write-up of The Accountant and its risks taken of doing a movie centered around a person with autism and making them a professional assassin. I somehow missed previews for it and it was the first I heard of the film. A couple friends who knew I was heading out of town the next day gave me a buzz after work to see if I wanted to join them to see The Accountant, and I was intrigued by the brief summary in the paper I read and have been a huge fan of Affleck for the better part of his career to jump on the opportunity. It turned out being a great decision and a perfect way to kickoff a vacation.

The film grabbed me right away with the opening scene where one Christian Wolff (Ben Affleck) is at his front, ‘ZZZ Accounting,’ doing the taxes for a down-on-their-luck farming couple. The way it plays out almost instantly made Christian affable for pulling the farmers out of a tough hole. The opening scenes proceed to introduce how Christian copes with his day-to-day lifestyle while we are introduced to a pair of FBI agents Ray King (JK Simmons) and Marybeth Medina (Cynthia Addai-Robinson) who is tasked with tracking down Wolff throughout the film. There are so many great little exchanges early in the film, especially when Wolff is getting acquainted with the rest of the cast. He is introduced to Lamar Blackburn (John Lithgow) who hires him to track down missing money recently reported to his company. Wolff’s scenes with the adorably aloof Dana Cummings (Anna Kendrick) steal the film every time they share the screen. Cummings is Wolff’s assistant in tracking down the missing money, and naturally their digging gets too deep and assassins are sent after them with the primary one going by Brax (a pre-Punisher Jon Bernthal). Little did the assassins know who they were targeting as their attempts at laying waste to the accountants is the catalyst that yields several thrilling action/chase sequences as a result.

Interspersed throughout the film is a series of flashbacks with Christian and his family coping with Christian’s condition and how his father put him through some grueling home therapy and training that lead him to become the ‘accountant’ he is in the film’s present day. It was fascinating watching these flashbacks play out and piecing The Accountant’s greater over-arching plot together along with the FBI in some excellent deducing scenes as everything falls into place. Most films have twists that we can predict or see coming from a mile away, but I loved how they played out in multiple ways in the closing moments to wrap a tidy bow on this. I do not want to overhype this as the quintessential brain-buster, but for me The Accountant provided the perfect balance of detective work, exposition, high-tempo chases and action that combined for the killer formula and make it my favorite film of 2016. There are only three quick bonus features on the BluRay totaling up to 25 minutes, but worth going out of your way to see. Both Inside the Man and Behavioral Sciencedeal with the cast and crew’s research that went into the film and how they strived to give a faithful portrayal of Autism. They both provided great insight on their experiences and sessions on doing their background for the film. Accountant in Action is all about the stunts and choreography for the movie. What is here is good, but the extra features felt they were missing one or two things to make the bonuses collectively pop like a commentary track with Affleck, Kendrick, Simmons and director Gavin O’Connor, but it was not meant to be!

On a final note I want to make sure to applaud the casting for this film as O’Connor got excellent performances out of everyone. When doing research for this film I became giddy to see a sequel was announced with most of the headlining cast returning and O’Connor coming back to direct, but that was two years ago and when checking IMDB the sequel is still listed as merely ‘announced.’ Here is hoping the sequel comes to fruition, and if you cannot tell by now The Accountant gets my highest of recommendations to check out if you have not done so already. Other Random Backlog Movie Blogs 3 12 Angry Men (1957) 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown 21 Jump Street Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie Atari: Game Over The Avengers: Age of Ultron Batman: The Killing Joke Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Bounty Hunters Cabin in the Woods Captain America: Civil War Captain America: The First Avenger Captain America: The Winter Soldier Christmas Eve Clash of the Titans (1981) Clint Eastwood 11-pack Special The Condemned 2 Countdown Creed Deck the Halls Die Hard Dredd The Eliminators The Equalizer Dirty Work Faster Fast and Furious I-VIII Field of Dreams Fight Club The Fighter For Love of the Game Good Will Hunting Gravity Guardians of the Galaxy Hercules: Reborn Hitman Indiana Jones 1-4 Ink The Interrogation Interstellar Jobs Joy Ride 1-3 Man of Steel Man on the Moon Marine 3-6 Metallica: Some Kind of Monster Mortal Kombat National Treasure National Treasure: Book of Secrets The Replacements Reservoir Dogs Rocky I-VII Running Films Part 1 Running Films Part 2 San Andreas ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery The Secret Life of Walter Mitty Shoot em Up Skyscraper Small Town Santa Steve Jobs Source Code Star Trek I-XIII Take Me Home Tonight TMNT The Tooth Fairy 1 & 2 UHF Veronica Mars Vision Quest The War Wild Wonder Woman The Wrestler (2008) X-Men: Days of Future Past

#random movie #the accountant #ben affleck #anna kendrick #JK Simmons #john lithgow #Jon Bernthal #cynthia addai-robinson #gavin o'connor

[profidence]

for a while, even after learning that i was diagnosed with aspergers, i still didn’t really understand autism a whole lot, other than the usual “people with autism can be more socially awkward” “individuals with aspergers may perform very well in academics” “they make notice of patterns in their daily life” “individuals with autism may often have repetitive behaviors” descriptions. hell, for a few years i was deathly afraid of being perceived the way that i perceived myself (given a context that society i guess conditioned me to have), so much so that i actively tried to make myself seem normal to others after elementary school. and when i felt like i was still a black sheep, having suicidal depression and anxiety on top of everything, all i could think about was how i wanted to be someone else, how i thought death would be preferable to living as myself, or how i wanted to exist solely as a camera that nobody could see, watching other people’s lives rather than living through my own. now, i eventually figured out that this was me masking after a few years of contemplation, but even then i still didn’t really understand the CORE of the autistic experience yet. like i would go for walks willingly but would notice random things i found uncomfortable on those walks, and i just sorta assumed everyone who went for walks dealt with that the same things as i did. “maybe they’re used to it and i’m not”. so eventually i went for enough walks that i kinda sorta felt like i knew what to expect. this was sort of how i dealt with everything, do things enough that i’d eventually get used to them somewhat. a lot of times when and if i told others about my autism, i would say things like “yeah i was diagnosed when i was 7, but i think my symptoms are waning a lot now”. under quarantine i kinda noticed a few things i still did that i was able to pinpoint to autism, like fixating on a video game character for a while, or stimming, etc. and i tried to accept myself as best as i could. but even all of this, didn’t really feel like it gave me any answers. eventually i earnestly started to wonder if i really had autism or if i was misdiagnosed. by this point i knew i certainly wasn’t neurotypical, but i couldn’t really determine which was which. a couple days ago i went for a walk while it was snowing, which was mostly quite nice. once i got back home, i got curious and searched up “autism simulator” in youtube just for the hell of it. and then uh... i watched one, and immediately i very suddenly had many different things i experienced contextualized. like “oh, that’s why i always felt slightly uncomfortable when a truck or a bus passed by me, and when i was in a crowd and people right next to me would cheer”, “no wonder random bullshit other people rarely paid attention to always caught my eye”, “i guess that explains why i’d find it weird when i couldn’t notice certain sounds while watching a video i recorded with my phone at a certain volume, how photos i took with my phone seemed less vibrant when compared to what i saw in the moment”, “wait, most people DON’T experience that sensitivity to light?” ″holy shit that’s why i could tell how the outdoor air affected the taste of my food and nobody else knew why i was making a big deal about it, or how strong the smell of grass was on me after i went outside despite having not Laid On The Ground at all”, “oh yea that kinda explains why some people made jokes about spiderman being autistic”, “damn, the thing a doctor would do where they shine a light into someone’s eye to see if there’s anything wrong, or when they make you take an eye test and cover one eye at a time, do those really not bother neurotypicals at all?”, etc etc. it helped me realize what autism really IS to those who live with it. heightened sensory awareness was something i genuinely didn’t know i had. i never really once thought that i had something in common with those kids who had to wear headphones everywhere, since they probably had a much more severe form of autism than i did. this whole epiphany, simply brought about by my curiosity about what an “autism simulator” video would be like. honestly, i still can’t stop thinking about all of this. before, when i’d be reminded of an odd thing i did in middle school one time, usually while i was trying to sleep, it would irritate me and make me feel like my brain was trying to mock me for my “failures”. now, whenever that kind of reminder reappears in my head, it almost feels like i've been given a necessary piece of info to solve a riddle or a complex math equation, like i’ve made a Discovery about myself that was previously too cryptic for me to comprehend. which, honestly, in of itself, this experience feels more positive to me than negative. so far my life has been pretty much meaningless, and i’ve reconciled with that fact a long time ago, but having more context as to why my experience is the way it is, is probably the one epiphany i truly needed to have. not having to rationalize to myself and others that the reason i feel genuinely thankful when certain pieces of media, music, and art feel so much more meaningful or relatable to me as just because “i’m weird like that, i guess” takes such a pretty big weight off of my shoulders. i basically said this already, but, somehow it feels less like an insult and more like a relief, finding that all signs point to autism. for years i knew i wasn’t alone in my diagnosis, but it’s stunning, awe-inspiring, knowing that a greater majority of those seemingly insignificant details of my experience were only shared by people like me, and that most neurotypicals would be mortified, confused, afraid, and sympathetic if they knew exactly what i deal with 24/7. if they knew exactly what those who have autism deal with 24/7. hell, not just us, if they knew what everyone who’s neurodivergent considers insignificant and/or mundane. if those who try or have tried to force their child to “be normal”, those who made fun of the “retarded kid” for liking anything generally considered uncool, those who think being anything other than cis, heterosexual, neurotypical, religious, capitalist, conservative... those who believe being anything other than “normal” is a sign of mental illness or some other general sign of incompetence that needs to be eradicated, if they all knew just how lucky they have it... maybe they’d reposition themselves. maybe they’d be more accepting of all those “weirdos” or “idiots” they didn’t understand. but anyway, it’s still really amazing for me to know i can accept myself wholeheartedly now, without any (or at least with WAY less of a) shadow of a doubt in my mind. and it kinda terrifies me how quick i could be, to think that the idea of being someone else, being dead, or not existing at all would be a better gig than living to see it all through to the end. i'm not afraid of death, but it is scary knowing how i really wanted to throw my life away just because things were more difficult for me than i would have preferred. and it’s horrible knowing other neurodivergent people can often feel the same way in spite of how good & special of a person they actually are.

[burningcollectionsandwich]

could john doe be autistic? telltale batman theory

A couple of months ago, I was looking at random batman stuff when I came across “batman: the telltale series” and “batman: the enemy within”, and let me tell you, its probably one of the best games ive seen since undertale and even corpse party (corpse party is and will remain my favourite game though… unless I change my mind). I loved the story and the characters, but one of them stood out to me, and that was John Doe. Now let me be clear, I do not, and I repeat NOT class John Doe as the joker at all (unless you choose the choices in order to make him the joker), no I class John as ‘the joker, if he got rehabilitated’ or just simply as John Doe. And me being the type of person who automatically likes anything that has to do with the joker because I find his personality and the overall character incredibly interesting, when I finished watching all the john scenes (im not even kidding, I spent days watching every scene I can find with John in it), even though he doesn’t act like the joker, I loved his personality. One day when I was watching it, I noticed some key things that stood out in Johns personality, which are kind of similar to………………….and then it clicked in my brain. Could John Doe from the batman telltale series, be autistic? Now I know “John Doe” has traits or all the symptoms of antisocial personality disorder and possibly schizophrenia, but I could not help but find other symptoms to Asperger’s syndrome/autism, though this is only with john doe, not with the original joker (trust me I tried looking but he’s just the definition of antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy). I did some research and watched the batman telltale series repeatedly, and here’s the evidence I collected. Behavioural symptoms: •    Often verbalizes internal thoughts that most would keep private – this isn’t shown quite often in season 1, however in season 2, John does say/shout out his thoughts depending on the situation. For example, (in season 2 episode 3) when he was asking Bruce about dating advice, and Bruce pretended to be Harley, John yelled “why won’t you love me?!” in front of everyone at a café. Another example is (in season 2 episode 1) when John yells at the man who shh’ed him in church by saying “you shh me again, you’ll be mourning the loss of your teeth!”, he did calm down and stated “that outburst, its antisocial I know”. He also yells “at least he went out with a bang right?” when talking to Tiffany about her dead father, At his funeral. Another scene is (in season 2 episode 2) when Bruce starts the car for John after struggling with it for a few minutes and he says “you are literally my hero Bruce. –I mean wow”. another quote is “Bruce is strong and smart, and handsome, I mean, super handsome, its nuts you guys, and-… where was I going with this?”. on the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5), when first meeting Alfred, he states “wow. The Alfred. I’ve been taken polaroid photos of Bruce for years and you’re in the background in at least a third of them”. • Appears to lack empathy – this is very clear in both season 1 and season 2, John will attack/kill or steal anything from anyone without feeling empathy towards anyone, apart from Harley and sometimes Bruce, and will laugh when seeing violence himself. Many examples of John not showing empathy to anyone is: laughing at Victor Zsasz when he’s murdering someone (season 1 episode 4), laughing when Bruce defends him from Willy by knocking him out (season 2 episode 2), laughing when Harley threatens one of Bruce’s workers (season 2 episode 2), laughing when Bruce/Batman beats up Bane (season 2 episode 4), laughing when exploding the Gotham bridge with a lot of people still on it (season 2 episode 4). On the villain ending (season 2 episode 5), he has no empathy for the people he and Harley kill with the virus. On the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5), he stabs 3 people while injuring tiffany with a joker-rang through the hand, he also throws joker-rangs at a lot of agents, which impale them, he also shows no empathy to bane when he either hits him with his car or drops a smock deck on him. • Has a difficult time interacting with peers – this is mostly shown in season 2. (in season 2 episode 2) When Bruce is inspecting John’s house or ha ha-ciesta and he looks at the beer bottles, John explains that in order to talk to Bane, he has to give him his favourite bottle of beer so Bane doesn’t tear his head off, even stating “he’s scarier than anyone I met in Arkham”. He also says to Bruce that he has a hard time talking to Harley as it is indicated in a previous statement that she loses interest quickly when talking to John, though this could be the fault of Harley, not John. John also despises the riddler because he always interrupted him when he was telling a joke “making him look like an idiot, in front of Harley and the other guys”, riddler even calling john a “white faced prick” (season 2 episode 3), though this can be seen as just a normal rivalry and not a difficult time interacting with people. • Talks excessively, especially about one specific topic – John talks a lot, and I mean a lot in season 1 and 2. He does switch topics in conversation depending on the situation but most of the time, he is either talking a lot about Harley or a lot about Bruce. The Harley topic is clear in nearly every episode of season 2, and Harley even stated to Bruce when John went to get her a slushy “he thinks the world of you” (season 2 episode 2), indicating that he talks about Bruce to the pact a lot. John does talk about Batman to but not as often. He mostly talks about how he’s best friends with Bruce, constantly saying “we’re two threads in the same stitch”. • Frequently has one-sided conversations – John shows this (in season 2 episode 4) when Bruce finds him surrounded by corpses he had murdered, and when Bruce disagrees with John on if he should trust John or not, John will yell “you’re supposed to be on my side!”. He will also say “it’s been hard knowing that you haven’t been straight with me, Bruce”, even though John has his own secrets that he hasn’t shared with Bruce, and Bruce knows this. He also says “You steered me wrong, at every turn” to Bruce when Harley abandons him (season 2 episode 4). On the villain ending (season 2 episode 5), john blames Bruce entirely for making him become the joker after Bruce didn’t believe him about the murdered agents. On the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5), john claims “I believed in you, batman. like I never believed in anything, and it was all a lie!”, and when batman wants Waller to leave Gotham, john goes against that idea shouting “this is so very disappointing. You’re a hypocrite! Your letting her off the hook, because of what? Because she has a badge?!”, john also believes that Bruce/batman is becoming or is very similar to Waller near the end of the episode. • Is unable to understand societal norms – this is shown in season 2 on many scenes. The main examples of this are: John talking very loudly and saying inappropriate comments in church (season 2 episode 1), and John believing that girls like men who are desperate (season 2 episode 3). Another scene is when he takes selfies during a funeral (season 2 episode 1). He also does a pinkie swear with Bruce in the middle of a pub, even though he is an adult (season 2 episode 2). John also believes that his green hair is ‘natural’ due to him not remembering his hair colour before it turned green (season 2 episode 3). • Does not understand the concept of personal space – this is not very shown as John keeps his distance when he’s around people, but the times that this has happened is when he randomly hugs Bruce after Bruce chooses to believe him about the murdered agents (season 2 episode 4) or when he takes selfies with someone, he raps his arm around their shoulders and takes a photo (as seen in multiple photos on his wall, he even does it too batman). Sometimes when john is speaking to someone, he would sometimes inch closer to them but that is not much of an issue, until he leans his head forward while he’s talking, which causes the person he talking to, to move back slightly. Other times include: grabbing Bruce’s arm in the church (in season 2 episode 1), grabbing batman by the shoulders after john gave him the laptop and/or teaching john how to throw a batarang (in season 2 episode 3), punching Bruce (multiple times in different episodes), and even carrying batman in the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5), when interrogating Waller, he gets really close to her face in order to make her talk, which still doesn’t work. • Flat tone / speaking style that lacks pitch – john’s voice has a bit of a lack of pitch when he’s speaking to anyone, though this could change depending on what mood he’s in. multiple times in the game, it shows that john sometimes mimics another person’s voice, in season 1 episode 4: he puts on a high pitched voice (presumably a woman’s voice) saying “ahh ohh someone save my baby”, he also put on a deep voice (presumably mimicking Harvey dents voice) saying “I’m going to find your drugs”. In season 2: he puts on a deep voice (presumably mimicking batman) saying “just get it john” (episode 2), also in the vigilante ending (episode 5), he puts on a deep voice again (mimicking child Bruce) saying “no Alfred, I am the knight”. John also alters his voice when he’s being sarcastic, for example (in season 2 episode 4) when john is upset with Bruce and says in a weird voice “just manipulate her john/just be yourself john”, or he’s in an awkward moment for example (in season 2 episode 3) if you take too long to take the laptop of john, he pulls a confused face and says “you did want this didn’t you?, I’ll just leave this rrrriiiigggghhhhttttt here” while putting the laptop in batman’s hand, then finishing the sentence with a very high pitched “K”. Physical symptoms: • Unusual body postures, gestures and facial expressions – John has rather bad posture when sitting and/or standing, as his back is always hunched. For facial expressions, the main facial expressions that John portrays is the very wide and toothy smile/grin, a frown, a shocked face, and one that’s I’ve been noticing a lot, the confused/thinking face (the best scene to see this facial expression clearly is when John says to Bruce that he thinks he’s fallen in love, and Bruce asks “are you in love with me?”, John pulls that face soon after the comment (season 2 episode 4)). On the villain ending (season 2 episode 5), whenever he’s been insulted or when he first walks into Wayne enterprises, he always smirks, which hasn’t been seen in the previous chapters before. • may perform repetitive movements, such as hand or finger flapping, or rocking back and forth – mainly during season 2, when John is either happy and excited/grateful, he will always interlock his hands while crouching a little bit. He does clap in season 1 and in season 2 but this only happens when he’s presumably excited (he does this when he first meets Batman (season 1 episode 5), he does this when Harley comes back and says she’s going to be the new management instead of Bane (season 2 episode 3), and he does this again when he is in the elevator going to the secret lab (season 2 episode 4), he also claps his hands when he first meets Alfred in the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5)). Another repetitive movement that John does, mainly while talking, is finger pointing, this can be seen whenever John is talking to anyone, but mainly towards Bruce and sometimes Harley. In the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5), john repeated puts his hands/fists/knuckles on his hips, though this could be john thinking that he’s a super hero. • Apparent insensitivity to pain – many examples of this are shown in season 2: John gets shoved by Catwoman and is knocked on the floor, He doesn’t react (season 2 episode 3). John gets a black eye from Harley, we are not sure what his reaction was there but he doesn’t seem fazed by it when Bruce arrives (season 2 episode 4). He gets punched in the face by Bruce and he doesn’t react (season 2 episode 4). He gets slapped in the face by Bruce and he doesn’t really react, though seeming a little surprised (season 2 episode 4). He gets tazor-ed by Tiffany, he does fall to the floor but soon after he just stands back up coughing and laughing (season 2 episode 2). In the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5): he gets picked up by his neck and thrown to the floor by bane and he laughs (while saying “ow, god”), he gets shot in the shoulder by the agency (he does show pain as he crouches on the floor while bleeding, but minutes later, he stands up and laughs), he gets punched, electrocuted and gets his face hit off a railing multiple time and he just laughs, he also gets a batarang through the hand and a couple of minutes after either getting head butted or electrocuted, he just sits there as if it’s not in his hand (which is pinned to the table). On the villain ending (season 2 episode 5): he gets stabbed multiple times and he laughs, he gets kicked and punched repeatedly and he laughs, true he does go into cardiac arrest but when he gets out of it he just lies there giggling and talking to Bruce. • Poor handwriting skills – this is only seen a couple of times, but johns hand writing is the kind of writing that looks messy, but readable. For example, (in season 2 episode 1) when Bruce opened the card john gave to him, john wrote his name into the card, and the writing looks a little bit messy. His writing is also shown (in season 2 episode 5) on the villain ending on the various cards, the side of a van and on the tombstones, still messy but readable. Cognitive symptoms: • Lack of social skills – though this may be caused by an unknown amount of time locked in Arkham asylum, John has a notorious lack of social skills, though in this case he does talk to a lot of people, he just doesn’t know how. The main examples are all the things he says when he’s in the church (season 2 episode 1), and when he tries to convince Harley that he is the only man to do the job, which lead to him getting a time out by Harley (season 2 episode 3). • May have one or a few very select interests that one is extremely knowledgeable about – even though being a rather smart character, John knows a lot of information about different things, but the main things he is extremely knowledgeable about is the Vikki Vale’s drugs, Bruce (even detecting that he’s Batman) saying “you forget, I know you. The real you. Always hiding behind some kind of mask. Playboy, business man, criminal….bat. you can’t fool a friend, someone who really takes the time to look” (season 2 episode 4), and Harley, stating “let me talk to her, I know her better than anyone” (season 2 episode 4). • may engage in violent outbursts, self-injurious behaviours, tantrums or meltdowns – this is very clear in season 1 and 2. For violent outbursts: John beats up 2 guys knocking them out (season 1 episode 4), he cuts Zsasz’s face with a knife (season 1 episode 4), he hits Bane/Mr Freeze with a batarang/gun/sharp pole (season 2 episode 4), he hits an officer over the head with a crowbar (season 2 episode 3), he tries to punch Bruce when he disagrees with him (season 2 episode 4), he murdered a bunch of cops/agents (season 2 episode 4), he explodes the bridge (season 2 episode 4). On the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5), john snaps and ends up stabbed three agents to death. For self-injurious: if in an angry mood, John will repeatedly hit his head off any hard surface (the church chair (season 2 episode 1) or the elevator wall (season 2 episode 2)). For tantrums or meltdowns: the bridge scene and the fun house scene can be seen as a meltdown but more of an outburst of violence, he lashes out at a man in church after Bruce rejects his offer (stating his has a hard time dealing with rejection (season 2 episode 2)), etc. • Inappropriate laughing or giggling – this is shown a lot in season 1 and season 2. When John is talking (apart from some situations), he will automatically start laughing or giggling, but he has stated (in season 2 episode 4) that he laughs when he’s nervous, though we are not sure if this is a lie or not. All throughout the villain ending (season 2 episode 5), he is constantly laughing. On the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5), he also randomly laughs or giggles when he’s talking to someone or himself. • No real fears of danger – this is shown in season 1 and mostly in season 2. In season 1: he cuts Zsasz’s face even though he knows he has outbursts of violence (episode 4), John is unfazed when there is a riot going on in front of him in Arkham asylum while workers and patients are getting killed all around him (episode 5). He randomly drinks a drink when he’s threatened by a cop with a gun pointed at him (episode 5). In season 2: he starts laughing when he’s threatened by Willy with a knife pointed at him (episode 2), he doesn’t seem fazed when Tiffany points a tazor gun at him or when he gets shot with the tazor gun for that matter (episode 2), he runs into the lower floor of Riddler’s hide out (out of curiosity) even while knowing the place is a death trap (episode 3), he jumps onto a roof ledge just to stand with Batman (episode 3), he stands there smiling when the secret lab was about to insinuate them (episode 4), he looks around the corner when a machine gun was firing at them (episode 4), he hits Bane/Mr Freeze (possibly the strongest people out of the pact) with a gun/pole/batarang when Bane/Mr Freeze tries to kill Bruce (episode 4), he blows up the bridge even though he is still on it (episode 4), he leans and falls off the ledge of the bridge backwards (episode 4). On the villain ending (episode 5), john is unfazed by Bruce/batman threatening him, or when he fights him. On the vigilante ending (episode 5), john (and batman) fight bane who was the strongest in the pact. • may “day dream” or “zone out” when overstimulated – the best example to show of this symptom is on the villain ending (season 2 episode 5), when john asks batman what he thinks Harley would do if she found out about him giving the map to Jim Gordon, whatever batman answers with, john turns around and seems to zone out asking “what do you think that means, Dr Leland?” and answers with “uhh it makes me feel uncomfortable when you put it that way Dr Leland”. Psychosocial Symptoms: • Social isolation – he was in Arkham asylum for an unknown period of time (Dr Leland stated “John has been with us for quite some time”) (season 1 episode 4) • Lowered self-confidence – during the interrogation scene (in season 2 episode 3), John says that he did try to stick up for Bruce (“internally”) but said “I’m sorry, I’m not as strong as you” • Difficulties with social interactions – as stated before, John struggles to start a conversation with the likes of Bane and Harley (though this could be the fault of Bane and Harley) • Depression – after being punched and left by Harley, John enters a stage of depression while drinking an unknown amount of alcohol (from what I can see, I would say that he drank at least six bottles of beer), he also shouts comments like “I don’t want to do this anymore, not for you, not for her, certainly not for Gotham. I don’t care!”, “I’m John Doe, the lonely hearts club”, “you’ve got some real nerve you know that, buddy. Remember at the café (just be yourself John/just manipulate her John), then I stuck my neck out for you, way out! Bane nearly ripped my head off. And for what? Her flew the cope, and I have nothing. You steered me wrong, at every turn” and “I don’t want to find her. My heart can take another kicking. I don’t ever want to see her again, she ruined me, I-I can’t.” (season 2 episode 4) • Moodiness – John does have a lot of mood swings and outbursts of anger as stated in the previous symptoms, this mainly happens when someone rejects him or disagrees with him. • Troubled romantic relationships – in the villain ending (season 2 episode 5), john and Harley’s relationship seems to be a pretty stable one, until Harley finds out that john gave away the map or john stops Harley from killing Bruce, then she proceeds to try and strangle john while saying “I’ll kill you”. John also runs away leaving Harley behind with Bruce (batman) and Selina (cat woman), while Harley says “I’ll kill him” again. • Lowered self-esteem – (in season 2 episode 3), when Bruce asks why john has green hair, john aggressively said “I don’t know what’s with your black hair?” and then states “I’m sorry buddy I’m a little sensitive about my style”. Harley also states (in season 2 episode 4) “keep it with ya brucie, I can’t afford any more mishaps” while looking at john, who looks down with a sad looking face. • Feelings of being “unlike” his or her peers – in the vigilante ending (season 2 episode 5), john believes that he’s a hero above all else, apart from batman (at times). For example, when Waller says “think whatever you want, you will never be a hero”, john becomes extremely angry and shouts back “How. Dare. You. Your worse than me! That makes me the hero! And this is what hero’s do to Gotham!” The symptoms I don’t think he has is: behavioural symptoms: • Lack of interpersonal relationship skills and instincts • Inability to express one’s own feelings • May not make eye contact or may stare at others • Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking • Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back." • may be extremely literal or have difficulty understanding the nuances of language, despite having a good vocabulary physical symptoms: • Heightened sensitivity and overstimulation to loud noises, bright lights, unusual textures, or strong tastes • Poor coordination • Clumsiness • Poor fine motor skills • Difficulties using gross motor skills Cognitive symptoms: • Difficulties with changes or upsets in routine • Difficulties picking up on the subtle changes in tone, pitch, and voice that accompany regular conversation • May be unable to understand sarcasm or jokes • Poor organizational skills • difficulty making friends of the same age, children with AS may feel more comfortable with adults or much younger children psychological symptoms: • Difficulty making and keeping friends • Challenges in finding and maintaining steady employment • Anxiety • Tendency toward shyness

Of course I am not a doctor, I can’t diagnose this, but there was a lot of evidence so I decided to check it out, and no I’m not saying that john is autistic just because I’m autistic, that’s just weird and very very low. If anyone finds anymore evidence or any other symptoms, let me know and I will add/edit it. (also, I am not too sure if some of these symptoms are in the correct categories (cognitive, behavioural, etc) if they are, please do not hesitate to tell me and I will correct it). This post is not making fun of autism or any mental disorders, this is just a theory that I created to see if it was correct or not (I would never make fun of any mental disorder) comment down below if you agree or disagree with me my laugh sounds really similar to johns/jokers laugh and I don't know whether to find that amusing or worrying Well that’s it from me bye

[thelonelyrainbowguy]

My ASD Testing Experience

I promised that I would write up a post about my autism testing, so here goes. (And yes, I am SO counting this toward NaNoWriMo!)

When I arrived at the practice, the psychiatrist who I’d seen for my initial intake appointment took me back to her office and told me to pull a chair up to the desk.

The first task she had me do, after attempting to make small talk with me (which I am TERRIBLE at and crashed and burned, lol), was to arrange foam puzzle pieces to fit a pre-drawn puzzle. She gave me three pieces (it clearly called for like 9) and I placed them, then expected her to hand me more, but she didn’t until I asked her for them. I guess that kind of confused me. I saw notes in her file for me that mentioned a “confused expression”, and I think it was in reference to that.

Afterward, she took out a book and informed me that it had no words, that we were going to make up the story. I’m a good writer, but making up stories on the spot and telling them aloud is incredibly difficult for me.

The book was about these frogs whose lilypads suddenly started floating, and pretty soon these freaking frogs were zooming all over creation. Instead of telling a story like a story, I just pointed out things that I saw. “Those fish are like WHAT THE HECK and that turtle looks pretty pissed, and the frogs are still flying.” Yeah, it was a weird story.

Then she brought out a bag of very random objects, and informed me that we were each going to pick five of them and use them to tell a story, which was even more foreboding than the idea of turning the story of the wordless picture book into English.

She went first, with a sponge, a cocktail umbrella, a feather, a shoelace, and... I forget what else. Her story was about Mama Umbrella, her kid Spongebob, and Baby Feather. They went to the beach, and the mama told SpongeBob to watch Baby Feather. But he was annoyed with watching her and went off and did his own thing. Then Baby Feather crawled into the ocean and SpongeBob threw a rope (shoelace) in to save her. Mama Umbrella was really mad but she was glad her baby was okay.

I had no idea what to do so I stared at the items in the bag for a good while, until a morbid story came into my head and it was the only thing that I could think of. I used the car, a paper circle, the feather, a wooden block, and a toy dollhouse candle.

“Okay,” I said, “so there's people driving down the road in this car, and then the wife goes “I think I’m gonna light your birthday candles on the cake now, because that sounds like a great idea,” so she did, and then a bird (represented by the feather) distracted the driver and made him run over a pothole (the paper circle) and slam into a wall (the wooden block).” Cue lots of spitty explosion noises (jk I just said they exploded). So yeah, I’m sure that heightened her image of me a good bit. XD

We talked then about the trouble I’m having at work, how I keep getting told off for not being empathetic when truly, I am (usually- I mean there are LOTS of people I deal with who are just plain annoying/dumb). My tone does not sound kind enough, even though I’ve been trying.

She asked me about my dating life and I updated her on the nonexistence of any type of relationship prospects and how the last girl I dated ghosted me (she hasn’t texted me since November 1, if anyone's wondering).

She asked me what a friend was, and then she asked me what the difference was between a friend, and a co-worker. Well, that was tough. I told her I guessed co-workers I thought were my friends were just my favorite coworkers, because I never saw them outside of work?

She then asked me how emotions felt, and how I knew I was happy, or angry, or anxious, or sad, and made me explain examples of times when I had felt these things, and asked whether I thought other people felt the same things. She asked me if I had ever been picked on or bullied, and sadly, I had to tell her that my family were my worst bullies growing up. I told her how there were certain noises my siblings would make that really bothered and hurt me, and how they’d deliberately make those noises over and over just to watch me and laugh as I’d get tenser and tenser and finally run from the room, usually crying, to have a meltdown in my bedroom.

After all this, she was done with me, and I went back to the waiting room to wait for the IQ test guy. I’d never met him before, so it was hard to look at his face, but I don’t think he ever smiled. And when I’d try to make a joke he’d just stare at me in this analyzing way. I didn’t like him.

His office was tiny and plain and felt dingy, and he had some sort of white noise sound machine going, which bothered me but I couldn’t figure out how to say so. He said he hoped it didn’t bother me, but in a way that made me feel like it would be a huge inconvenience if I told him that it did.

The first thing he had me do was to take these blocks that had two red sides and two white sides, and the remaining two sides were divided into half red and half white, split into triangles. First he gave me four and showed me a pattern, and I had to recreate that pattern. I guess he thought I was capable after that because he gave me the rest of the nine total blocks and show me more and more complicated patterns that I had to recreate. I’m ashamed to say that there was one I almost didn’t get, because I legitimately forgot that I could turn the cubes. I was looking at them and thinking that they were all half red and half white, but I needed solid red and solid white. I told him I couldn’t do it, that it was actually impossible. I thought it was a trick. He asked if I wanted to skip it, but at the last second I remembered, oh, these things have different sides. :P so obviously I recreated it pretty quickly from there.

After that exercise, he asked me some math word problem questions, which I had to figure out in my head, without paper and pencil. At first they were easy, but then the questions got into asking basically what 15 percent of 60 is, and I almost said it was 15, but caught myself and guessed 10 (probably still wrong; I don’t even know how to do that with a calculator).

Then he had me repeat sequences of numbers. It started out simple: 2, 4. He gradually added one number art a time until he reached... I think the highest any of these went was 8 numbers. 5, 9, 2, 4, 3, 2, 6, 1. I’d repeat the numbers in order. After that, he had me repeat his sequences backward- so 3, 7, 8, 5 would be 5, 8, 7, 3. This was more difficult, especially when he got up to the 8- digit ones. And finally, he made me put the number sequences in order, but there were often multiples of the same number, which was Super Confusing. It wasn’t too hard up until the 7 or 8 digit ones, but then it started getting really impossible to remember all of the numbers: 4, 7, 9, 2, 6, 2, 7, 8 for example. I’m pretty sure I only said 7 digits for at least one 8 digit one, and I had to start over on several of them.

Finally, we were done with that awful task, and we moved on to the fresh hell of a book of shapes. The top half of the paper showed a shape, and the bottom half had 6 different shapes that I had to put together to make the top shape. The catch was, it always had to be 3 of the shapes- i couldn’t pick 2 that also made the same shape. It had to be 3, and they could never overlap. At first it was pretty easy- a square, a house shape, etc. Then they got more complicated - like one had a blue octagon inside a yellow triangle inside a red square. And they got more complicated from there on out, in the ways the shapes were divided. For example, there was an oval and the pieces were cut in such a way that the middle piece resembled a butt with crooked arms. And in many of the advanced ones, all or many of the options were similar, so you really had to be able to pay attention and visualize it, which was difficult, especially after my brain was wasted from all the other stuff.

At last, we finished that, and he gave me a self- assessment test for autism. The possible answers were 1 (Never True), 2 (Sometimes True), 3 (Often True), and 4 (Almost Always True). It was one of those fill- in- the- dot things. The questions were things such as I feel most comfortable when I am alone, I behave in ways that seem strange or bizarre to others, I get upset when there are a lot of things going on, When stressed I show rigid and inflexible patterns of behavior, I have good personal hygiene, I think of other people the same way that I think of objects, I am extremely sensitive to certain sounds, textures, or smells, I have a narrow range of interests, I talk or think about the same thing over and over.

When I finished that, we were done and I got to go home. I have a feedback session scheduled for the 11th, where I’ll actually get my diagnosis.

Overall, the experience was weird and tiring. I felt analyzed, which was obviously what was happening, and it made me kind of squirmy. And I felt patronized, which was just plain annoying. I went along with everything though, and I think I proved my autism, so now I’m just waiting on my official diagnosis so I can tell the world and actually have it as a reason why I can’t do or handle certain things (not an excuse; that is a different thing altogether, just saying).

Anyway, I’m sorry this was so long. If you made it to the end, here, have a virtual... I don’t know, brownie, cookie, hug, pickle, whatever you’d like to have a virtual version of. XD

If you have any questions about any part of the process, please feel free to ask me! ❤️

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