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comfortmarvelimagines · 1 year

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Headcanons request for Tony Stark’s daughter and tony being overprotective when someone says something mean in public when you stim. Thank you

(Except I liked this so much it became a full fic. Can be read standalone or as WYCFTQ)

You truly never understood the value neurotypicals placed on spontaneity. Its opposite, routine was everything that kept you grounded; safe, predictable, generally within your scope of capacity. Your worst days were the ones that were shoved off kilter by a change in plans, a cancellation, a meltdown that threw your timetable for a loop. You went to school, went to the tower, went home. That was your world. Small, but anything bigger felt unmanageable. Even that was barely manageable. So when Tony announced a surprise for you and Peter on an afternoon where school let off early, you felt unbalanced.

“Mr Stark, pleaaaaaseeeee tell us I literally can’t wait. I might die,” Peter, ever-impatient and fuelled by ADHD after his meds had worn off for the day, was literally vibrating with suspense. As opposed to your drained stillness, feeling like the floor had collapsed under you.

“You’ll like it, that’s all I’m giving you. Patience is a virtue, young one,” Tony raised an eyebrow at Peter, feigning a lecture. “And you’ll be fine,” he turned to you. “We’ve practiced using your strategies. We’ll bring stim toys, your headphones, and I’ve asked where we’re going to turn the lights down and music off to make it accessible. And they listened, because I’m me. We can leave as soon as you need, and you’ve got your communication device to tell us if you’re non-verbal. You’ve got this. It’ll be good for you, and for this hyped one over here,“ he ruffled Peter’s hair. “Capische? Good. Let’s go.”

Tony drove, but kept the music fairly low key. Peter was bouncing in the front seat, animatedly keeping a running list of all the possibilities that got increasingly far-fetched as Tony refused even the slightest hint. You had to admit, even through the snowdrift of anxiety that felt like it was building by the second, it was pretty funny. Amusing, even. Eventually, the Audi pulled into the parking lot of a mall and as he swung it in to park in the electric vehicle charging station, Tony pulled a baseball cap on low over his eyes.

“Alright, you ready?”

Peter was already halfway out of the car before the engine had been cut off. Tony turned to you. “Well, clearly someone is”, he gestured to Peter. “You doin’ okay?” At your nod, he continued in a near-whisper. “We’re going to a toy store. There’s Lego and sensory stuff for days, and I promise you’ll like it. But if it’s too much, I’m right here, and you’ve got your device to communicate. You say the word and we leave, no hesitation, okay?” At the mention of where you were going, you started happy flapping and bounced in your seat. Sensory stuff AND lego? Fuck yeah!!!! Some of the anxiety snowdrift melted back down and you got out to join Peter, who still had no idea where you were going and looked like the fact was making him positively implode. It was funny just how different you were, yet how you were both going to love this place.

At some point between the car and the store, you grabbed Tony’s hand. It was grounding, which you needed when the sensory overload of the general mall walkthrough got disorienting. You stopped, fluorescent lights searing into your brain and the beginning of the meltdown urge to run crept up your spine. Peter, miles ahead and oblivious to just about everything except the mystery destination, kept going, but Tony pulled your noise canceling headphones out of his jacket pocket. “You left these in the car,” he said by way of explanation, “And we’re nearly there. You’ve got this.” Resolve strengthened, you pulled the headphones over your ears, pressing the button on the side, hoodie pulled up, determined. If nothing else, you were going to get there for Peter’s sake- he might explode from excitement if it wasn’t soon.

In line with Tony’s promise, the toy store was bliss. The lights were dimmed and corporate music absent (thank Thor, and whatever other gods are out there), and the Lego. Oh my god, the LEGO. Rows of Star Wars and flowers and little city buildings and a huge tub of loose pieces, next to a free play table in the centre of the display. Sticking your hands deep into the cool plastic pieces felt positively heavenly, and in forgetting anyone else was around you were stimming freely in unfiltered joy. Vocal stimming, too.

“Surely you’re too old to be making those sorts of noises. I mean, I’d expect them from my 2 year old grandchild, not at your big age.”

The admonishment came from a woman, somewhere between middle- and old-age, making her way over to you from the baby doll section. You froze. She meant you? You were so happy you hadn’t been masking, not forcing the happy stimmy noises down the way you typically did when in the presence of others.

“Yes, you, don’t look at me all stunned. What are you doing in here anyway? You look too old to be playing, with Lego or with anything else.”

Fear felt like it was shutting down your access to comprehensible thought. Like moving through jelly, you pulled the lanyard around your neck forward to show the woman the pin. It was a green sunflower lanyard, the hidden disabilities awareness kind, and the button read “Please do not touch me. I’m Autistic.” You felt a distressed sound come from the back of you throat, whining, that you just couldn’t push down. Tony Tony whERE IS TONY?

“Hey y/n, have you seen-“

“Oh, so you’re special. That’s nice of your… people… to bring you out like this. You know, into the community.”

“What the fuck did you just say to my kid.”

The baseball cap was off. Tony had come from the back of the store, from the sensory section with Peter, and stepped straight into the middle of the degrading, one-sided conversation you were now trying to practice your breathing exercises through. You’d practiced them a million times, with Tony, Peter, Nat, Bucky, everyone said to practice because when the time came you needed them to work but right now you weren’t sure they were enough because you felt like you were drowning. Special. You weren’t fucking special, not in the way she meant it, you were just Autistic and Autistic is fine, Autistic isn’t bad, you had as much right to be here as anyone else but that word was making your ears ring, and you felt like your head was underwater and you couldn’t breathe and your hands were flapping but not in the good way in the too much bad energy need to get it out way. You needed weight, pressure, grounding, to be crushed, and, no longer paying attention to the conversation between Tony and the stranger, you pulled your AAC forward from its crossbody strap.

“Squeeze. Tony.”

“Okay, kid, yes, squeeze. I hear you.” You basically body slammed him as he crouched down to your level, and you hummed in relief as the hug was all the input your nervous system was craving. He turned to speak over the top of you.

“I need you to leave. Now. You had no right to say what you did. This is a public place, and my kid deserves access in the way that works for them. That includes stimming, and playing, in the way that brings them joy. I hope you learn from this.”

You assumed she left, because he didn’t say anything else. You stayed, tightly held, until you pulled back from the hug cautiously.

“Do you want to leave?” You shook your head. No. As awful as that whole interaction had been, getting here was a task and you didn’t feel you had made it worth it yet. “Want to see the sensory toys?” Yes yes yes a million times yes. Nodding wasn’t enough; with trepidation, a little of the flappy happy hands broke through. Not fully, though. The word ‘special’ still echoed in the back of your mind, unwanted and uncomfortably present.

The sensory toy section was pure magic. There were bubble tubes, tactile fidgets, bouncy seats, spinners, lights, glitter bottles, projectors, a reversible sequin dinosaur, acupressure rings, a cocoon swing hanging from a frame… It was like a goldmine of sensory wonder. As you joined Peter in discovery, little by little the mask you put up melted away and you were spinning, joyfully bouncing on the balls of your feet, happy vocal stims free and unjudged. And if Tony was putting aside one of everything you showed interest in to purchase and bring home with you, well, of course he was. If he couldn’t make the ableist public go away, the least he could do was provide you with the safest, most inclusive and loving home possible.

Tag list

@peggycarter-steverogers

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peapod20001 · 8 months

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I’m the type that can and will cry if think too hard <3

#random post #me tag ∠( ᐛ 」 ) |/#I’m not an overly emotional person in the stereotypical way. but I do get in my feels when thinking about life and the experience of living #I’m like. constantly explaining things to myself cus there’s never really a time or place to talk about it #also my method of explaining things is very not coherent sometimes. so it takes me a bit to really get my point across in a comprehensible #way. I’m a big thinker. I have many thoughts and ideas a views. a daily thing of mine is noticing problems #and then fixing them in my head with thought out explanations and motives and outcomes #it’s like I’m talking to someone else. much like how I format my text posts. that’s how my inner monologue is #me talking to myself is actually me talking to someone else. someone that isn’t real #anyways it’s a daily occurrence. every day of my life is spent with thoughts similar to those breaking down a movie #lots of thoughts from adhd. compulsive thoughts from ocd. overwhelming thoughts from autism. distressing thoughts from bpd #ya. this isn’t a vent I just need to like. see the thoughts in writing so I can do smth else. like eat this muffin ive been staring at for #over an hour now <3 mmmbfbg yea muffins are hard to eat now cus I had some with mold and food mold especially is a big nono for me #spend like. five minutes examining the damn thing before I even consider taking a bite. I’m very hungry an thirsty </3 #when your mouth is so dry you can taste your own mouth 👍 I’m experiencing #nothing in particular. just experiencing. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like having an experience and living #drank my tea and I had like. hallucinations of like an alcohol prep pad. I’ve been using those in my ear cus. tmi. had a pimple that’s #causing problems so mom suggested that. it burned! which means it worked so word. I’ve noticed lately that both me AND my family have been #using ‘word’ a lot. dad says we’ve been saying it but no we haven’t. if we had I’d have BEEN saying it. maybe we’ve used it before for a bit #but now it’s back. idk. I’ve said it in class on more than one occasion lmao I don’t look like the type to say smth like that but whatever #it’s like when I used to say bro after every sentence like 10 years ago lol. we’re a family of parrots we repeat eachother a lot #I started saying I love you out of no where and they started doing it too. we whistle at eachother from across the house. sing ear worms #together. quote funny things at every opportunity and drive the joke into the ground. everyone in this house is a different kind of mentally #I’ll and it’s the most beautiful clash of personalities because we’re all so annoying and we love eachother so much and also our #communication is shit because some ppl have hearing loss and another is a short fused child and some are quick to interrupt and some dont #get a word in and some just can’t explain and some can’t understand. we get there eventually at some point. we don’t get the full grasp of #how much we love eachother yet. but we’re gettin there. anyways this went into several different directions but they’re all good ones #I think. if you read all this good on you! this is my brain 24/7/365 haha ok love you

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frail-and-freakish · 1 year

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today, april 11th, is the anniversary of Mel Baggs' death. Mel Baggs was one of the early founders of the neurodiversity movement and believed that no one was too disabled for human rights, something that modern nd movements fail to understand to this day. sie was so instrumental to my understanding of literally everything. sie died from medical ableism and neglect during the beginning of the pandemic. we would be nowhere fucking near where we are now without hir. i've decided to make a masterlist of some of my favorite posts of hirs, organized into different categories.

(some of these are listed in more than one category because they overlap so much)

here are some of the "essentials" (what you might have already read by hir/should read first):

hir memorial site hosted by ASAN:

In My Language

the oak manifesto

There is ableism at the heart of your oppression, no matter what your oppression might be

Getting The Truth Out (many pages, parody of bad autism awareness campaign called "getting the word out")

the meaning of self-advocacy

what makes institutions bad

aspie supremacy can kill

here are some of hir beautiful writings on perceiving/communicating with hir environment as an autistic person, and on communication in general:

up in the clouds and down in the valley: my richness and yours

distance underthought

the naked mechanisms of echolalia

empty mirrors and redwoods

the fireworks are interesting

hir tumblr tag #sensing (@withasmoothroundstone)

on personhood and who has the authority to take it away:

being an unperson

what it means to be real

empty mirrors and redwoods

on institutions and the I/DD service system:

caregiver abuse takes many forms

"i don't know that person's program"

what my home means to me

dd service system tag

god help the critic of the dawn: glamour and its fallout

what makes institutions bad

post on the JRC

outposts in our heads

on online social justice communities/their inaccessibility:

Your politics have a problem when they contradict the real-life experiences of the people they're supposed to be about.

politics, ethics and mental widgets

hir tumblr tags #outside the wall and #little packages (@withasmoothroundstone)

misc:

The Bones My Family Gave Me

Please violate only one stereotype at a time

My sort of people, just as real as theirs.

Reviving the concept of cousins

gender tag

this is hir poems and creative works:

this is hir writing on autistics.org:

may hir memory be a blessing/revolution.

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enderblogs-24 · 3 months

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"Everyone's autistic now," "Why's there so much autism," "So many kids faking autism these days."

You know. I had been suspecting I was autistic since I started to understand what that meant, around middle school. I was working with two different autistic kids in a Girl Scout troop I led with my mom, and they did/said things that felt familiar. But I didn't dare bring up those thoughts, because my little cousin was autistic, that was his thing, and I didn't want to seem like I was looking for attention.

I started looking into autism for real when I hit my 20's, because those suspicions never went away... just buried. I had been focusing on other areas of my life anyway - my transition. But that was over, and I could see that things were still "off" about me. I love diving deep into different disabilities, disorders, and mental illnesses, but avoided autism because I was scared of what I'd find. I took maybe one test, masked up and guarded as hell, and because of that it said I wasn't autistic. I didn't answer truthfully, so I went looking elsewhere. ADHD, maybe. I ended up trying to get an ADHD diagnosis, and got misdiagnosed with a personality disorder that can be misdiagnosed in autistic adults. I felt I didn't have an option but to accept the diagnosis, because I was on my way to Chicago; out of time and out of money.

Nearly six months after the misdiagnosis, while I had been looking into the personality disorder and knew for certain I didn't meet the criteria for a diagnosis, (but masked through the appointments, which is how I got it) I had worked extensively on unmasking. I learned many neurodivergencies masked, and thought I'd give unmasking a shot, soon realizing I'd been doing it forever. Once I got better at unmasking, I eventually looked into autism again. What would it hurt to be told no twice? I took a couple quizzes again. Slowed down, answered honestly, and gave every answer my full attention. And I scored high on every one. It was terrifying. But it was also... a relief? While a few of those quizzes weren't too be taken seriously, I did take tests on official sites made by and for autistic people. When I came home from Chicago in summer 2022, I told my mom and showed her all my past scores on official tests like the RAADS, one of which I take annually. Part of me still has doubts that I'm not faking it, I guess.

All of this, at least past 2021, has occurred while people have been posting their own stores about discovering and getting diagnosed as adults. While I initially started looking into things on my own, hearing these people's stories on occasion really, really helped. Random strangers on the internet in a reel telling me they'd been overlooked because they were afab, did well in school, and didn't have many other adults around to see a difference... really helped. I could sneak into the autistic tags on Tumblr and look around at posts, relate to them silently, write down my findings in my little notebook, and go about my day. This "autism boom" as it were really helped, just because everyone suddenly showing off who they are, telling the world "I'm different and that's okay," really, really... helped. I know why I've always felt different and wrong, I know why I struggle with certain things, and I know why certain things will likely never be possible on my own. That's so much better than going thrift my life wondering and beating myself up because I can't function like everyone else.

Everyone isn't suddenly being diagnosed as autistic, now. People are just... starting to listen. Starting to get more comfortable. Obtaining more resources. And it's really nice. ❤️

#actually autistic #autistic #autism #actuallyautistic #late diagnosed autistic #ender's life #he/they

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loosescrewslefty · 4 months

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Venting to @imthepunchlord about the state of the Spy x Family fandom this morning because some VERY worrying posts have been repeatedly showing up in the tags in regards to certain neurodivergent tendencies (seriously, if neurotypicals can STOP implying that there is something unnatural about the way neurodivergent minds work and insisting that therefore those differences have an unnatural source like experimentation or some kind of intentional mental training against the only known esper in the universe? That would be super, thanks.) and obviously, as a neurodivergent person myself they bothered me quite a bit. I started talking about how I hoped that the introduction of Demetrius meant that Endo was going to address the abuse that neurodivergent children in particular suffered in Nazi Germany. So I pulled up the wiki article on Asperger to start giving examples of what I was referring to, and nearly had a heart attack.

Because it turns out that Sigmund Authen being modeled after Einstien is NOT the only historical figure to make it into the spy x family story.

The main scientist who ran the experiments on Anya was ABSOLUTELY modeled after Hans Asperger.

Which is an absolute win for those of us who have mentioned seeing neurodivergent tendencies in Anya!

And before anyone jumps on me about my frustrations at the fandom in the beginning of this post or come at me with the claim that I'm being hypocritical, know that there is a key difference between how Anya is actually written vs how some people in the fandom are choosing to interpret Demetrius;

Anya's powers are not reliant on her neurodivergence.

Anya is a neurodivergent child with a superpower. There are times when she loses her telepathic powers, but all of her neurodivergence remains. And honestly with the revelation that the man responsible for experimenting on her was based on Asperger and what his research was like, I feel that this is NOT a case of Autism is Magic! But rather Anya being chosen for experimentation by virtue of being a neurodivergent child and gaining her telepathy by happenstance.

Meanwhile, the aspect of Demetrius' character that people are jumping on and theorizing about is the fact that he dissassociates in social situations, something that I, a real life autistic person who does NOT have superpowers, was NEVER experimented on, and have NEVER recieved any kind of training against telepathic powers also happen to do regularly.

Courtesy of mind.org;

What is dissociation?

Many people may experience dissociation (dissociate) during their life. If you dissociate, you may feel disconnected from yourself and the world around you. For example, you may feel detached from your body or feel as though the world around you is unreal. Remember, everyone’s experience of dissociation is different. Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event. There are also common, everyday experiences of dissociation that you may have. Examples of this are when you become so absorbed in a book or film that you lose awareness of your surroundings. Or when you drive a familiar route and arrive at your destination without any memory of how you got there. Experiences of dissociation can last for a short time (hours or days) or for much longer (weeks or months). Dissociation may be something that you experience for a short time while something traumatic is happening. But you also may have learned to dissociate as a way of coping with stressful experiences. This may be something that you’ve done since you were young.

#spy x family #anya forger #demetrius desmond #sxf manga spoilers #I return you all to the “Please don't be weird about Neurodivergent People” Challenge

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dollya-robinprotector · 15 days

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Giggling because I love making post with multiple character tags and then wait for the wrong face to be featured on all the tags ksksksks

This sydney looks soooo sillyyyy

Anw I just thought about my past so story time under the cut.

When I was in secondary school, I once knew a friend who was bullied.

For the context, it was a decent school, with 4 grades, each had 4 classes: A for lower-perform and naughty students, B for normal, C for better than average, and D for the Elites who will most definitely have bright future ahead. We are Asian children, study means EVERYTHING for us. Our worth are defined by how well we perform in school, how many awards we have and how good our grades are.

That friend was in class C. I was in class B. Normally we don't make friends outside of the class, but I once saw him being poured water on in the hallway, defended him and we became friends. Or something like that. Let's call him Z because I forgor his name now.

My parents didn't do well with the fact that I failed my entrance test and was stuck in normal class. They didn't have money to upgrade me to class C either, so they made me study extra hard. Back since I started going to school, I was being teased and harassed a lot too cuz I love to draw (what's the problem of kids being mean to artistic kids btw???). But since I was one of the best performers in study, I soon gained some respect and the soft bully subside. (I was terrible in math, but everything else were straight A okay??)

Z wasn't so lucky. I learned that his grades were terrible eventhough he was in class C. He stuttered a lot, always looks down when talking to people, never dare to engage in any conversation, etc... His appearance did not help, and he had some funny smell when I stood close to him. One thing though, he loved drawing too (urgh artistic kids again) and really admired my skill. The only times he would smile are when we talked about our fav anime. Looking back, I think maybe he had something to do with autism? I can't be sure though, but I know his parents spent a LOT to keep him in that better-than-average-class.

The bully was not too terrible, at least from what I saw and heard. He often got splashed by water, threw dirty rag or left-over food at, made fun of, laughed at, his belongings often went missing and be found somewhere dirty, etc... I used to went through all that too, so I helped him to somehow deal with them. Those sort of soft-physical bully were nothing scary once you got used to them. Just a little annoying. He got used to it too, I think, and we didn't mention those when we talk. I admit I might had some savior complex, and that friendship is not entirely friendly. It was more like I thought he would be helpless without me so I can't leave him alone.

And then one day when I was going home from school, Z approached me and asked if I want to go to his house. He said he has a very big greenhouse, and there were some pretty blooming flowers he wanted to show me. I never saw a greenhouse before and I love flowers, of course I said yes!

We rode our bicycles to his house. I've never been to his house before nor meet his parents. I didn't even ask my mom for permission to go but well, I was excited.

We went for a long time, and I started to realize he was leading me into the forest. I still went with him for maybe half an hour more, before I said I was tired and you didn't tell me your house would be this far. Then I look around and truly there was nothing bu trees surrounded the two of us. He looked back at me, clearly exhausted too, and said nothing. I started to realize the situation I was in: a 12 years old, in a forest, with no directions and a strange friend who I didn't really know. Yeh atm I was pretty scared.

I asked Z again where exactly is his house. He stuttered and said I don't need to worry, we would get there very soon. He said if I was too tired I can hop on his bike and he would get me there. Then he attempted to take my hand but that creeped me out so I stepped away from him. I turned my bike, ignored his calls, and just went as fast as I can toward the direction I thought would lead me out of the woods. He called out to me and began to chase after me too, but gave up after some times.

I then just rode my bike with full speed, somehow got out of the woods into a strange road I didn't know, asked around for direction and got home safe. My mom scolded me for being so damn late and I apologized. I never tell anybody, and never talk to Z ever again. He didn't bother me either. And that's the end of the story.

#well that still creeped me out till now #hope nothing bad happened to him tho

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birdofmay · 1 year

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30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

Hello, apparently I act as a substitute teacher this autism acceptance month 😄 @autie-j is busy, so my therapist and I spontaneously thought of 30 questions for 2023 - to be "published" before 1 April 2023 starts in the timezone UTC+14. Which... wasn't much time. If you see this, we made it! 😎

Rules:

Copy and paste the question you want to answer into an own post - this means don't answer via reblog!

You can answer as many or as few as you like. No force, for real.

Tag your post as #30daysofautismacceptance and #2023

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, try these: What do you enjoy to do in your free time? What music or series/show do you like? Are you happy with your current living situation/the people you live with? What's one of your favourite foods?

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions. If you're deaf: Can you lip read? Do you think your autism influences your ability to lip read?

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger? Additional question if your hearing is aided: If your hearing is aided, does that trigger sensory overloads sometimes?

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

8 April: Do you struggle to read long texts or are you one of those people who can read everything with ease (Braille counts too of course)? If you're blind, do you struggle to pay attention when a screen reader reads a long text, or is it ok?

9 April: Did an interest ever turn into an "obsession" for you? If not, do you regularly experience hyperfocus when you engage in your special interest? If nothing applies, tell us about your longest interest, no matter if it's a special interest or not!

10 April: Can you understand speech when there is background noise? If you're deaf: Could you understand speech when you were younger? If your hearing is aided: Does the sound make listening to speech uncomfortable to you?

11 April: If you learned to speak as a child (definition for this post: the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), did your ability to speak improve after that, stayed the same, decrease, or did something happen that you can't speak at all anymore now?

If you never learned to speak, did it take you a while to find a good communication method (for example sign language didn't work, communication board was too confusing, but AAC device is ok)?

12 April: Were/are you in speech therapy? If so, for what? If not, do you think speech therapy could have helped you?

13 April: How important are routines to you? Are your routines more based on time ("I always do this at 6pm!"), on habits ("I always drink from this cup!") or both?

14 April: If you learned to speak as a child, were you a late talker, average age, or did you speak at a really young age? If you never learned to speak, how do you communicate? For example an AAC device, sign language, a communication board, etc.

15 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others and learned to recognise the meaning to a degree, did you learn that in social skills training, by your own "hard work", or was it a mix of both? Are there patterns that you understand intuitively (for example recognising fear because it's not so different from how you behave when you feel fear)? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

16 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others, but struggle to learn the meaning, are there strategies you use to at least guess if the person reacts in a good, neutral or bad way to you (for example to spot if you made someone angry by accident)? Do you rely on how their voice sounds as a backup? - if this question doesn't apply to you, not even in your childhood, you have a day off! :)

17 April: If you can't perceive the facial expression of others (for example because you focus too much on details, struggle to perceive people in general, or because you're blind), do you pay attention to the tone of their voice? Can you hear if someone is angry if they don't tell you? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

18 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others, how long does it take you to spot a pattern in new people (for example you observe someone for a while and at some point you know "This person is insecure because they always have that look when they're insecure")? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

19 April: Did your ability to express yourself improve or worsen/deteriorate over time? Or did it stay the same? Is it different depending on how you communicate (spoken language, written language, signed...)?

20 April: If you can (or could when you were younger) say words with your mouth (echolalia counts), did/do you have a monotone or "odd" voice, speak too loudly/softly, etc.? Did/do you practice to modulate your voice?

21 April: If you can (or could when you were younger) say words with your mouth, did/do you struggle to pronounce words or sounds? For example r, th, s, etc. - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off :)

22 April: If you can speak (the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), do you experience speech loss/verbal shutdowns, etc.? Meaning that you normally can speak, but sometimes you suddenly can't anymore. Semiverbal/semispeaking people and unreliably speaking people (apraxia), you count as "speaking" if you can use spontaneous(!) speech most of the time.

If you can't speak, are there times when communication suddenly is harder than usual? If not, was it different when you were younger?

23 April: Do you have balance issues? If not, was it different when you were younger?

24 April: How did your fine motor skills develop? Were you one of the first kids who could tie their shoe laces or do you think you'll probably never learn it? This is an "open question", if you want to ramble, start rambling.

25 April: How did your gross motor skills develop? Did you walk early or did you struggle to walk (if you can walk)? Do you have a bad posture? This is another "open question".

26 April: If you're interested in other people/want contact, how do you normally make contact with others? Do you stay where you are and hope that they approach you, or do you approach them?

If you're not interested in other people, do others respect and understand that? Were you negatively affected by the "autistics are very social actually and want friends, they just don't know how to do that!" mentality (for example that everyone tries to force social interactions because they think you secretly want social contacts)?

27 April: If you have/want real-life friends, how much contact is important for you and when is it too much? Do/would you miss your friends if you wouldn't see each other in person for a while?

28 April: As a child, did you tend to express yourself overly formally? Or did you struggle with grammar? Did you "borrow" words and expressions from other people or media, or did you make up your own words? Or both?

29 April: Was your hand-eye coordination delayed or maybe is still impaired? This includes things like throwing and catching a ball, putting a key into a lock without missing it, etc. Everything where your brain needs to process what your eyes see so that your hands can adjust what they do. If you're blind, tell us if you think your autism made it harder for you to estimate where things are, using your hands.

30 April: If you're interested in other people/want contact, did you try to make friends on your own when you were younger, or didn't you initiate anything because you didn't know what to do?

If you're not interested in other people, did/do you still enjoy online contact? If not, did/do people assume you're lonely and try to interact with you all the time?

#30daysofautismacceptance #2023 #actually autistic #actuallyautistic

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baby-yongbok · 5 months

Note

hi pookie, i have a request if its fine for nd!reader 🥺 (if not then completely ignore this ask)

how do you think skz would act in finding out reader practices scenarios/expressions in the mirror or in private? my masking is hurting my brain and i have to reteach myself how to smile after seeing some of my old pics lol

-girlie

p.s. if you ever make a nd!reader series pls let me know so i can be tagged in every post so i can read each masterpiece

I enjoy getting Neurodivergent!Reader requests cause as someone with autism I'm so damn horrible at writing it. I guess I'm not aware of how I do things but at the same time I'm hyperaware of it all..? Idk, anyway here's what I think:

Chan, Hyunjin, Felix - Would try to help you or would want to understand the process for future reference. - They just want you to feel good and safe with them and they want to understand you and everything you struggle with. If you’re practicing expressions they’ll do it with you. This’ll quickly turn into the two of you making funny faces in the mirror and completely forgetting how this started in the first place. They’ll tell you how you sound to them and what vibe your expression gives off and if you want them to leave you to do it alone you don’t have to ask them twice (Even though they low-key want to stay). Their search history is filled with articles on the topic of scripting now and by the end of the week they will be an expert on the topic. (Or just feel like one)

Seungmin, Minho, Jeongin - Would watch you silently and then tell you that they’ll take care of everything. - If you weren’t so focused on finding the perfect way to introduce yourself to his friends then you would’ve heard them walk into the room but he’s grateful that you didn’t. He had no clue that you did this even though he’s very well aware that you struggle with social interaction sometimes. He’ll leave carefully so that he doesn’t frighten you, maybe he wasn’t supposed to see you doing it and as much as he loves messing with you he doesn’t want to mess with something that might hurt your feelings or have you feeling embarrassed. After seeing you do that he starts doing a mini version of it too in hopes that he can be prepared to come to your rescue if you find a situation to be a bit too challenging. They just want to take care of you and make you feel comfortable.

Jisung, Changbin - Would panic like they just interrupted a presidential meeting and then ask a million questions. - You were so focused on watching your eyebrows and listening to your tone that you didn’t hear the very loud boy come into the room. He thought you were on the phone but when he realizes that you’re not he starts asking questions. The blush on your face gives way to your slight embarrassment but it’s all erased after you tell him what you were doing. The look on his face is priceless. He still has so many questions but now he’s more focused on apologizing for his mere existence, you tell him that it’s no big deal but he doesn’t wanna hear it. You will definitely hear him watching some YouTube videos about scripting later. He doesn’t wanna bombard you with questions but he wants answers. (And he will act like he never walked in on you in the first place)

✨️Masterlist✨️

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minthara · 2 months

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really long personal answer to an anon i got. trigger warnings in the tags.

First of all i wanna apologise to everyone who follows me for the last few days lmao, but i feel like if i dont post about it im literally gonna kill myself. I need somewhere to write down my thoughts because i feel bad always going to the same 2 friends i still have and complain about the same situation again and again about a dude they dont even know that well.

Thank you so much for ur message really, and sorry if im gonna take it as another excuse to write down all my thoughts, but i think it will really help me.

So the pathetic thing. I didnt ever post about this and in real life i think only like. 3 people knew. But after we broke up i begged him for months to take me back. It really was pathetic. And when he called me pathetic i think he was just very very hurt, because that was the second time i broke up with him (just a few weeks ago). It was in the sense of me begging him for so long just to break up again a few months later. I feel fucking stupid even writing this. I spent about 10k euros trying to get away from him, it fucked up my life so massively that i lost a job i really loved over it.

And now my new job is about 5 minutes away from our old apartment and i think thats a huge reason why i cant get over it. Every day i walk past restaurants, the supermarkets, anything we went to together. I had to buy snacks for work today and just burst into tears in the fucking supermarket because we used to go there together. The people at work are always so appreciative bc i know the area so well but they dont know how much it fucking hurts me and its so stupid like. Should i just avoid that part of town forever??? No fucking get over it bitch like wtf its a fucking supermarket.

And it also hurts because i know i wasnt always perfect and there were many times i was super mean to him. But at a point i couldnt deal with his ADHD anymore and that sounds so shitty but im a super organised person to the point where sometimes i wonder if thers anything ocd related but i dont think so. In my head i swap between i have ocd, i have adhd, i have borderline, i have autism - i have no idea whats wrong with me, but the way i feel cant be normal. I know this because the way i behave isnt normal, i know i can come across as really strange, i cant judge social situations well and often dont know how to behave. But i constantly criticised him for symptoms of his mental illnesss.

But i never physically hurt him, and that was the last straw for me, why i left. I dont know how u can do that to a person you love.

And im just mourning the life i thought i was going to have so, so, so much. I know on tumblr ppl somehow think youre brainwashed when you want a traditional marriage and kids and stuff, but i really thought that was going to happen in the next 2 / 3 years, thats how i planned my life since i was fucking 21 and i met him. And now im almost 27, and i cant even go on dates because i cannot bear talking to new people because all i want is a clone of him but better.

I know i will look back at this and think “u cried about THAT guy???” in a few years, because thats how its always been in my life lol (except for one relationship, but were still really really best friends). I always think afterwards i will never love someone that much again. But it hits so much harder because it was such a serious relationship lol i really wanted to marry him. Sobs lol.

#asks #anonymous #abuse cw #suicide cw #i feel so much better after writing this down lol #blondshell salad on repeat if u know u know

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drdemonprince · 2 months

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This was several days ago but it was still bugging me (autistic) so I have to be a little pedantic about your tags on the pop neuroscience post: https://www.tumblr.com/drdemonprince/742517045406613504?source=share

The post is 100%. Pop neurosci is complete bullshit. All this "dopamine"/other neurotransmitter stuff people talk about especially.

With your tags though, please don't conflate the entire field of neuroscience with fMRI. For sure, 90% or more of fMRI is total bunk, I am with you. But there are many methodologies besides fMRI. And decades of neuroscience research that is real science. Including actual experimental methods that can establish causality, unlike fMRI. Much of that is done in lab animals. (Don't want to get into animal research ethics here but there is plenty of humane, non-horrifying animal research in neuroscience, although most of it does end with the animal being humanely euthanized. Of course some people hold the position that we should never raise, keep, or euthanize animals for research purposes, which is a valid position that I don't happen to agree with.)

Almost all of what the field of neuroscience actually knows about neurotransmitters is from animal research. So when you say we have no experimental data on that - not true, we totally do, just not much of it in humans.

We even do have a way to look at real time neurotransmitter release in living human brains, by injecting people with e.g. a radioactive dopamine-receptor-binding chemical and then do PET imaging to visualize the movement of the radioactivity in their brain while they do tasks/view stimuli. As their own dopamine floods an area, the radioligand is displaced (it's designed to be a weaker binder to the receptor than natural dopamine) and you can infer dopamine release in that area. It's indirect, correlational, and does involve some fancy math (but not as bad as fMRI). But it is a method that has produced meaningful findings. Nora Volkow is one of the scientists who used that methodology to study cocaine addiction among other things. Her research combined with neuroscience using lab animals contributes to the modern understanding of dopamine's role in drug craving and drug-seeking behavior, and how dopamine has nothing to do with the pleasure or high from the drug.

There are other valuable findings from human research that are not fMRI. Including stuff done on people getting brain surgery (kinda "poke this and see what happens", but it does establish causality); TMS which experimentally disrupts certain areas; studies of people with brain damage; and histological and anatomical studies of human brains donated to science postmortem, where you can look neuron by neuron which you can't do with fMRI or other imaging or EEG. And, fMRI/imaging has produced a LITTLE bit of worthwhile stuff. Just...not much, I agree.

I think coming from social psychology you may have been mainly exposed to "social neuroscience" which is generally fMRI about social psychology stuff. And often being done by social psychologists with not enough neuroscience background, not that fMRI is done rigorously by those people either, but it doesn't help. But that is not all of neuroscience! I used to do neuroscience and taught it to college students for 10 years. It is so much more than hogwash fMRI, I promise!

Thanks for the message. If you'll bear with me being mildly pedantic back (Autism), since we were discussing the topic of anti-psychiatry, I think there being no real studies of neurotransmitter activity in humans as it relates to any kind of psychiatric drug/treatment in field is tantamount to there being no useful ecologically valid knowledge on it. Lab animal research just does not generalize well enough to ground anything that psychiatry is doing or prescribing or that is being reported in the popular press.

And I would certainly chalk up "poke and see what happens" style brain surgery as being under the "exploratory, not science" banner that I already mentioned. To say that we can establish causality with that kind of methodology is just not true. It's also just not generalizable. There is so much we don't know about variation in brain organization.

You are absolutely right that my main area of direct involvement was working in a social cognitive neuroscience lab with an FMRI and an EEG, doing absolute fuckall nonsense, but that's not all that I have familiarity with or training in. Your notes are well taken, and I sincerely thank you for them and I'm sure a lot of people will find them interesting, but I think we're still very much in the dark ages in understanding this stuff, and that stance of mine does incorporate those methodologies.

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sweet-coffee-milk-tea · 14 days

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I Need Genuine Help

Don’t worry it’s not that serious but still serious enough to me.

I’ll probably not get a response, this is my most active account online and that’s saying something.

I am going to go trigger happy with tags just to get this post out there so I apologize in advance!

Respond to this send me an ask reblog I don’t care just help me lol.

I don’t know what to do I have to many ideas and no one in my life to help me.

No it’s not mental health and no it’s not that I don’t have anyone I just don’t have anyone who will know how to help me with this.

I am overwhelmed with so many ideas so many stories I want to create in so many different mediums and my brain won’t let me choose one.

I don’t even have a hyperfixation that I can lean on right now to get going with like fanfiction/art.

So I’m stuck in a limbo bursting with creativity but no outlet.

There is another issue

I am exhausted after work and rather let my ideas whirring around in my skull things on easy mode while I watch shows that bring me up.

But that’s not creative, it’s gotten to the point that jotting down my ideas aren’t enough I need to do something.

But everyone I know will tell me to go the capitalist route and pick the one that can make you money the soonest even if it’s not what I am enjoying most at the moment.

But I can’t do it, call it undiagnosed adhd/autism or me being stubborn as fuck but I want to enjoy what I do I am incapable of starting anything if I don’t enjoy it so this is where you all come in.

Help me pick?

What is my limited range of people who can hear my voice interested in the most?

I am going to be doing all of these I am unable to keep away from all my ideas

My issue is taking the first step I would appreciate my audience/community to say what they want to see out of the choices I want to pick so at the very least I will have like one person interacting with my stuff.

So this 31 year old gayby is asking for help thank you for your time!

Love you all out there!

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elkkiel · 21 days

Text

Sorry friends, this is gonna be a long one. I feel like speaking in a space where someone may see and perceive what I'm saying is helpful to personal accountability. Please feel free to skip, it's more of a thought dump than anything (I am midway through writing now and I think I lost the plot a while ago lol)

Topics covered: grind culture, mental health, self-care, and learning when to manually sound the alarm for yourself as an audhd-er in the deep end of life.

Here's some tags that I left on the the grind culture reblog before this. I just wanted to share some thoughts and didn't want them to get lost; I feel like making a proper post really solidifies the situation (sorta like getting those abstract thoughts from your head onto paper, and realizing just how bad it is when it's all laid out before you.) And I want to make a change when I can finally get my head above water.

I think it can be especially difficult for us AuDHDers, since we don't necessarily have alarm bells installed that neurotypicals in similar situations may have but "choose" (consciously or not) to ignore. Things can really spiral into a bad place quickly if you don't have the cues or signs to alert you. We need to be diligent in doing those manual checks ourselves, KNOWING that we have struggles that make life just that much more difficult.

Take inventory of your life. Do you allocate time to self-care activities, and/or are those the right activities for you? Turns out for me that building a complex skin care routine (as suggested by mainstream self-care culture) only stresses me out more. Especially when I never have the energy to do it, making me feel bad when I only manage to do the basics *sometimes* (and the stress acne persists smh my head). My therapist recommended productive activities that involve both current hyperfixes and that ADHD Motor™. I want to learn basic carpentry over the summer, since I love working with my hands! For now, drawing masked men as cats will suffice (though I will not complain about the kittenification of my faves)

Choose a moment to consciously feel how your body is feeling. Check in with yourself! This is important for my alexithymia bitches. Are you more fatigued than usual? Are your muscles tense for some reason? Have you been hungry with no appetite? If you notice anything, let's make some connections—really dig into it. The instance I mentioned in the tags above was a really clear one for me. I took like 12 hours on the IV in the Ivy art instead of coursework, and that weekend I slept almost 22 hours. A few days later, I'm still in a cycle of horrible fatigue and excessive sleep. Connecting the trigger event (taking the time to create "unnecessary" art) to current sensations (extreme fatigue) is giving me insight into how stressed I actually am that I wouldn't have really seen otherwise.

I'm also feeling more and more aware of how activities and things become a bit of a crutch to avoid expending energy on social activities. Idk how many other people deal with this particular problem, but I have almost zero social drive. Like I legitimately don't feel the need to meet people and see friends. Almost 100% of my social needs are covered by talking to my parents, chatting with the girls at work (while at work) and passively absorbing interactions from complete strangers within earshot. It's one of the big things I'm continually documenting for when I can finally afford to get evaluated for autism (babygirl I don't even have enough for the ADHD assessment yet and that's more crucial for disability stuff lol) and it makes life real tough.

Not having the time nor the drive to invest in relationships really stunts you as a person in my experience. I don't know how to actually quantify what makes a friend (e.g. are we friends because we are Tumblr mutuals who haven't had an actual conversation but hype each other up in notes?) and I don't have any time to learn. I can't participate in leisure activities that may take some of the pressure off since I haven't been able to practice initiating interactions. It baffles me how some of the girls at work just casually meet up outside of work, or make plans out of the blue in a conversation (how tf do you gauge when/if to propose something????)

Like, it's bad. I haven't seen my best friend in a year and a half, and even the term "best friend" almost definitely isn't accurate in this scenario anymore. It's just another stressor that could potentially be avoided by lifting one's nose from the grindstone, but it's so intimidating to even try at this point. I don't feel the drive to be friends, but something tells me it's healthier than being alone with my work and thoughts.

Idk I think that's all I have for now. I definitely went on a tangent or two that don't connect back to the original idea so apologies for the letter-based vomit.

ty if you read any of this, if you have any thoughts or input I'm always open for replies or asks. The world is big and fast and horrible and confusing a lot of the time, but I think sharing experiences helps to keep things in perspective.

maybe I'll ask more targeted questions for community input some other time because I'm genuinely curious how to navigate around social deficits (the "who is a Friend and why?" thing especially because I genuinely have zero clue)

anyways have a good day, drink some water, take ur meds, and be kind to yourself

#my head is so foggy from fatigue i would be surprised if this is cobefent #its rant time babey im gonna go order some groceries now ✌️#elkk.txt

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autistic-duck · 2 months

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I have a terrible habit of just liking posts on social media and then disappearing. like. no comments, no reblogs, just silence. I am a quiet observer who shows up as a number on your screen and nothing more.

I've never had mutuals I can tag on posts that vaguely remind me of them or just to joke around with. in fact, I've had very few online interactions at all.

so when I post something and people, like, respond? it's baffling.

who are you?? why are you liking my comment? why are you reblogging my post? you're here, and you're just... talking? and you can say anything you want? should I respond? should I keep quiet and disappear into the void again?

who taught you these social skills? who taught you to just... say stuff? how are you so funny, so profound, so human? how do I get to know you? should I get to know you?

there's so many users I'd love to interact with, but the thought of purposefully drawing attention to myself online is wild. it's like I'm asking to be hurt, asking to find the kinds of people that'll know exactly the kinds of words to get in my head, the kinds of words I've spent hours in therapy getting out of my head.

I thought I'd be able to find my place if I spent enough time in autistic spaces online, but then I realized I'd have to be vulnerable with digital strangers. I'd have to share my stories and, even worse, talk to users. anyone could say anything at any time, and I could end up reading things that will never leave my head. that's already happened, but those hateful words were never directly focused on me. what'll happen when they are?

people talk a lot about how a common symptom of autism is our struggles with social interaction, but how often do we bring up online interactions? am I the only one who struggles with this? how many people online are like me, quietly interacting, terrified to be seen, heard, and understood, yet constantly and desperately lonely?

I want to leave room for hope, so I think I'll add a bunch of tags vaguely related to this post in the hopes that people will see this and relate to the things I'm saying. I'd like to leave the conclusion open for discussion.

#actually autistic #autism #asd #tumblr #autism spectrum disorder #neurodivergent #online #chronically online #social media #socializing #social skills #community #loneliness #isolation #social interaction #online interaction #humanity #society

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dungeons-are-too-cold · 2 years

Text

New Favorite Holiday (GN! Reader)

Summary: A birthday surprise gone wrong that actually ends up going right again. Spencer tries to throw a surprise party for you, but it triggers a meltdown in front of the team. He knows how to calm you down because there is something you haven't told each other: you're both autistic.

Pairing: Autistic! Spencer Reid x autistic! Reader

Warnings: gender neutral reader, autistic meltdown, harmful stim, mention of throwing up, self-hatred/ negative self-talk relating to reader’s autism, comfort, mentions of food rules, fluff, cuddling, mutual stimming

Author’s Note: Hey! This is my first time posting fan fiction on here so I hope I've done all this right lol. I did my best with tagging but if there's anything I missed please feel free to let me know so I can edit the tags or edit any warnings!

Word count: 4.9k

Hope you enjoy :)

Read on AO3 here

You had never liked your birthday. Kids could be cruel, especially growing up wanting to be in the FBI, so you never really made many friends. There were no birthday parties or classroom cupcakes. You mostly spent your birthday at home alone, your mom and dad usually too busy working to do something with you. Money and a note on the counter would tell you to order something special and get dessert.

“You deserve a proper birthday. Ya know, one with cake, and presents, and balloons, and everything,” Spencer said. It had been only a few months since you joined the BAU when the team first discovered your birthday situation. Spencer’s reaction when you told him was a mixture of shock and recognition. He never really had much of a birthday growing up, either, but he assumed you were at least a little more popular than he was in high school, considering he was twelve.

That first birthday at the BAU, Spencer snuck into the office really early to decorate your desk. There were donuts and balloons and a sign that said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY Y/N” in big, bright letters. Everyone in the office wanted to come up and say happy birthday. It was a constant barrage of handshakes and hugs and claps on the shoulder. There were so many balloons tied to your office chair and they squeaked whenever you shifted. It got really overwhelming, so you tried to calm yourself down. A black pair of noise cancelling headphones found their way over your ears, and you went to see if the conference room was empty; it was the place you liked to stim the most because it had the space to rock on your feet the way you liked. Plus, you could close all the curtains so no one would see you.

It had only been a few months of being on the team at this point, and you wanted to keep your diagnosis a secret. Emily knew, of course, because it was in your psych evaluation. However, you weren’t exactly ready to broadcast that you were autistic to the whole BAU. You had never really had to tell anyone like that. Plus, if they were good enough profilers, they would figure it out on their own. You weren’t sure if that was a good or bad thing, but you would cross that bridge when you got there. Right now, you needed to stim, so you shuffled off to the conference room.

“Surprise!” the whole team shouted as you walked through the door. Luke and Matt both popped a party popper over your head as Penelope brought over a cake, candles already lit. With everyone singing and celebrating, you found yourself frozen, panic rushing suddenly through every inch of your body. Breathing became difficult, the lights were burning into your eyes, and you felt incredibly disoriented. All you wanted to do was turn and run, but all you could do was rock back and forth and start to hit your head.

“Woah, are you alright?” Luke moved to touch your shoulder, but a small whine escaped your lips before he had the chance. You couldn’t be touched right now; it would absolutely send you over the edge and you were doing your best to keep some semblance of calm in front of your teammates.

After shutting your eyes, you were able to briefly pull your hands from your head to sign “quiet”, signaling Luke to shut off the music.

“Hey, Y/N. Its Spencer. I’m gonna move past you really quick to shut off the lights, okay?” You gave a small nod of assurance, and the space behind your eyelids went dark.

“Can you move right now?”

You shook your head.

“Do you want everyone else to leave?”

You signed yes. Shuffling soon died down and you opened your eyes. Spencer was standing just a few feet from you.

“I’m gonna stay with you, I just don’t want you to hurt yourself, okay?”

You sat down on the floor right by the door. Standing was getting to be too much, and you wanted to rock back and forth. Your colleague sat down opposite you.

“Would pressure be helpful right now?” He spoke softly, as to not hurt your ears. You were in survival mode and would taker any comfort you could get, so you simply tapped your back and nodded your head. There was a little bit of space between you and the wall, which Spencer gently worked himself into, placing you between his legs.

“I’m going to put my arms around you now, around your middle.” You sank down so your head was on his chest, and you banged it softly against him. Eventually you were able to calm down enough that a few tears slipped from the corner of your eye. Spencer was quick to wipe them away. “I am so sorry about this. I didn’t think about how overwhelming it might be for you,” he said as he gently stroked your hair.

“It’s okay, it was really sweet of you to try,” you croaked out, voice still not quite there. As overwhelmed as you were, you had never had someone care this much about you. You really did think it was sweet of him to put all of this together, you were just nervous about how you would look to the team. It was the first meltdown you had ever had in front of them.

All of a sudden, feelings of shame and embarrassment washed over you as you realized something: you just had a meltdown in front of the whole team.

You thought about how stupid you must have looked to the rest of the team; you couldn’t even let Luke touch you. They had all gone out of their way to be nice to you when they didn’t have to, and you were ungrateful and ruined it by freaking out and crying like a baby. And on top of that, what if they think you can’t do your job now? How will they treat you out in the field if you can’t even handle a birthday surprise? There’s no way anything will be okay on the team again.

Your breathing picked up and you felt frantic. All of a sudden Spencer’s hold felt impossibly tight around you, like he was strangling you, and you clawed to get away.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” you muttered to yourself. You returned to hitting your head as the tears started flowing. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” Strangled cries spilled from your mouth as you pressed your back against the ground, feet flat against the carpet and arms digging as hard as they could into your stomach.

“You’re not stupid, Y/N, no one thinks this is stupid. I’m the stupid one, I should have known to ask.” Spencer slowly made his way over to where you laid. Now completely exhausted, you were more willing to lean on him. You needed the support and would worry about the consequences and conversations later. Right now, getting your breathing back to a regular rhythm was the number one priority; you couldn’t get a deep breath and a painful case of hiccups wasn’t making it any easier.

“I’m going to reach up behind me and grab a bottle of water, okay?” You nodded and he shifted beside you.“Okay, I’m gonna have you sit up so you can take a sip. Hold the water in your mouth for a sec, and then lean your head back on my lap so you’re slightly upside down. I know its gonna feel weird and might be a little scary right now, but I think it will help with the hiccups, okay?”

He gently stroked your hair until you started to prop yourself up. Reid’s arms were suddenly hooked under yours to help you take some water into your mouth before helping you lay back in his lap. With your eyes closed, you held your breath for a moment and then swallowed.

You could feel that the hiccups had passed when you sat up again with Spencer. The two of you moved in silence against the nearest wall to support you both as he held you.

“I am so sorry Spencer. I ruined your surprise for me, and I probably freaked everyone out and I feel so bad because you all tired really hard to make it special for me. I’m so stupid.”

“Shh, Y/n don’t feel bad, please, I got carried away. I of all people should have paid more attention. This celebration was supposed to be about you, and I had every opportunity to ask if this would be overwhelming, but I didn’t and I’m sorry.” Spencer couldn’t meet your eyes. Hurting you was never, ever his intention. You repositioned yourself between his legs, this time slightly on your side to lay your cheek against his chest, almost to comfort him. Instinctually, his arms wrapped around you. You wondered what he meant when he said he of all people should have paid more attention.

“As for the team, this was nothing for them, especially nothing new. We all get panic attacks, and we all have triggers, so the team understand. I understand. Just before you joined the team, I had a meltdown on the jet of all places. Luke’s headphones were rattling every time the bass in his music was particularly low and I spent twenty minutes throwing up and screaming in the bathroom before passing out from how exhausted I was.” It wasn’t funny, but he let out a small laugh. “Matt told me he almost peed himself.”

“You passed out in the bathroom?”

“Yeah, it was bad. I probably should have remembered to eat before we got on the plane, but I am not exactly consistent in the food department. It was a lot of dry heaving.”

You let yourself chuckle at the story as you pressed further into him. You were able to match your breathing to his and the resonance of his voice in his chest was comforting, almost like brown noise. His cologne smelled sweet and full like autumn and his cardigan was soft against your face. Thinking through all your sense was a way you helped calm yourself down, and you were grateful that everything about Spencer in this moment seemed to be sensory friendly.

“I’m sorry for laughing.”

“It’s okay, it just goes to show that the team doesn’t care about stuff like that. They just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“Can I ask you something?” you questioned tentatively.

“Yeah?”

“Why do you have meltdowns?”

“I’m actually autistic. I wasn’t diagnosed until I started at the bureau. My old supervisor, Hotch, helped me get a diagnosis so he could officially request accommodations for me.”

“Oh. That was nice of him.”

“Yeah, he was great. Emily has helped me adjust them too since she became unit chief. After coming back from prison, a lot of things had changed, so we updated what I needed, and things have been going pretty well so far. There’s a lot more noted in my file. If you ever feel like taking a look, you have my full permission.” Spencer said this almost knowingly, like he was nudging you to ask more questions, or to give him some indication that this was helping.

You could tell he had his suspicions about what exactly was going on, so you decided now was as good a time as any to tell him.

“I was diagnosed during my PhD program a few years ago; also with autism if that wasn’t clear, sorry. A professor who was supervising my research on neurodivergence in criminal behavioral analysis suggested I get evaluated.” You were almost ashamed to admit this next part. “I’ve never had any accommodations before. I don’t even know what I would need or what would help.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to know everything or even do it on your own. That’s why I said my file is open if you want to take a look. Sometimes you don’t know you need or want something until you know it’s an option. It was a lot of trial and error to get to where I am now, and there were a lot of bumps along the way, trust me, but it gets easier. I promise.”

“Thanks, Spence.”

“You are incredibly strong, y/n, there is no doubt about that, but you don’t have to do this alone.”

Eventually the two of you made your way off the floor. You sat in one of the rolling office chairs, music in your headphones, while Reid took down the balloons and moved them out of the conference room. When he entered again, a few of your colleagues came in with him to check on you.

“Do you think it’s alright if Luke and Penny come in? They wanted to make sure you were okay.” You nodded your head and removed your headphones. Things seemed calm enough and the foam was starting to irritate you.

Luke immediately signed to you, asking if you were okay, to which you responded you were, just a little tired. It surprised you that he remembered you signing before they left, but you were grateful.

“Sorry about the touching,” Luke signed back.

“It’s okay, you didn’t know. I’m okay with it now.”

That was his cue to make his way over you. He ruffled your hair a bit before you hugged him from your seat.

“Thank you for signing with me,” you said as you pulled away.

“Anything for you.”

Penelope came and kneeled next to you. She gently placed her hand on your knee and rubbed little circles. It was calming; she always knew how to put you at ease.

“Hey sugar, I am so sorry about all of this. Are you feeling alright now?”

“Yeah, Pen, I’m alright. Alright enough to have some cake, maybe? If that’s alright?”

“Omg yes absolutely!” You chuckled as Penelope rushed around the room to find plates, utensils, and all the necessary accoutrement for serving you the dessert she baked herself. Spencer knew you well enough to know your favorite cake and asked her to help him since his cooking skills were basically nonexistent.

“Do you think you could get the rest of the team to come back in?” you said to Luke.

“Absolutely, are you sure you’re okay?”

You nodded your head and he left to grab everyone else. Spencer turned the lights back on and moved to a chair by your side. His hand found yours and squeezed it as the team filed back in.

“If it’s alright, I’d like to say something to you all,” you started. Reid gave an assuring nod as everyone found seats around the conference room. Any concern they had was alleviated as they saw you smile at the sight of them. Despite the hectic events of the day, you were really grateful to have the team in your life.

“I wanna say thank you for wanting to celebrate my birthday. As you have probably gathered, I am not used to this kind of thing. I haven’t really told anyone this but I’m autistic so I can have a hard time with surprises or changes in my routine. Please don’t feel bad for my reaction, there was no way you would have known since I didn’t tell you. It was just a bit overwhelming to have so much going on today. I don’t ever really celebrate my birthday. That said, I am so grateful to all of you for wanting to make this special for me. I’m really happy that I have all of you in my life and I hope we can all still have some cake and such but just maybe we don’t like pop a bunch of things and have loud music on and yell and stuff all at the same time anymore. I mean been there done that, am I right?” Luckily the team let out a collective laugh at the lighthearted ending of your speech showing there was no animosity here or need for concern or guilt.

***

Spencer drove you home after the party. The team hadn’t had a case all week, so Emily let you take the rest of the day off to recover from all the excitement. The radio quietly lulled in the background as you curled up in the passenger seat. Reid was a very cautious driver normally, he was a both hands on the wheel kind of guy, but he wanted to give you some kind of comfort, so he let his right hand find yours over the center console. You gladly took it, staring up at your colleague to watch him drive. His brow furrowed in this really cute v shape when he concentrated that you couldn’t help but smile at. Normally you wouldn’t allow yourself to stare like this, but the combination of how tired you were and how comfortable Spencer made you feel had you dropping your mask in ways you never imagined you would, or even could.

As he scrunched up his nose at a red light, a loc of hair fell from behind his ear into his face. He turned to look at you, disappointed, when your hand left his, but you quickly reached up and tucked the loose curls back behind his ear. Lingering for a moment on his cheek, you placed your hand back in his. For all the comfort he offered you today, you wanted to offer him some in return. He smiled as a thank you before the horn of the car behind his loudly let you know the light was green.

“Well, this is me,” you said as Spencer pulled up to your apartment building.

“I guess it is.”

The two of you lingered in the car. Neither of you wanted to part just yet, but someone needed to say it.

“Spence?”

“Yeah, y/n?”

“Would you want to come in? Maybe? I have coffee or tea or water or really anything I actually just went to the store yesterday so the pantry and fridge are like full and everything and maybe you could like stay and we could watch a movie or something? I was gonna do that anyway because it’s like a birthday tradition for me I guess so I thought maybe you might wanna come up but it’s also like totally cool if you had other plans or even if you just don’t want to you don’t have t-”

“Y/n, slow down. If you would have me, I’d really like to stay.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

The two of you headed upstairs to your apartment. It wasn’t very big, but that made it incredibly cozy. The dark blue walls paired with your deep orange sofa made you feel at home. When you moved in, you did your best to make walking inside feel like a deep pressure hug, and although it wasn’t perfect yet, you immediately eased up upon entering.

“Your place looks incredible.”

“Thanks, it’s not perfect, or even clean really, but it always feels nice to come home to.”

The two of you headed into your kitchen as you pulled down a cup for yourself.

“Do you have a cup preference? I guess first I should be asking what you want to drink.” You rummaged momentarily through the fridge and started to rattle off beverage choices. “I’ve got coffee and tea like I said, and hot chocolate for hot drinks, and in the fridge, I’ve got sparkling water, regular water, both bottled and from the filter, lemonade, iced tea, its peach, apple juice, orange juice, protein shakes, meal replacement shakes, chocolate milk, that’s what I’m having, regular milk, almond milk, soy milk, coconut water-”

“Do you really have that many drink options?” Spencer seemed genuinely shocked by your list. You couldn’t quite tell if that was good or bad, though.

“Yeah, not really great with most foods but I love a good beverage. I like to make mocktails in my free time too, so I have a lot of options. Which reminds me I have some alcohol-free liquor if you really wanna party”

“I think I’ll stick to water; I haven’t had any today so it's probably a good idea. And if its okay, I'd like some ice?”

“Excellent choice, sir. And for your cup?” Spencer gave you a slightly puzzled look when you asked him about his cup preference. “For routine reasons I have a particular cup I like to use for particular liquids, so I wasn’t sure if you have any preference. And for sensory reasons, there’s also some kind of cups I can’t use at all, like anything with matte or frosted plastic and anything with a thick rim, and also anything that is bigger at the bottom than it is at the top like wine glasses. So sorry if you’re looking for a wine glass, but, uh, I have most other cups.” Reid stared blankly for a moment, and you couldn’t quite tell what he was thinking. Eventually he gave a slight nod, like he was moving past something, overlooking something weird and continuing with the conversation. It wasn’t exactly settling to see that look on his face.

“Um, I’ll take something tall please, and glass, I don’t really like to drink from plastic cups.”

You shuffled for a moment and found something you thought would work. Reid nodded in approval at a tall, clear glass with flat ridges on the side. After filling both of your glasses, the two of you headed to the couch. A cute set of mosaic coasters sat in a stack on the coffee table, which you quickly slid under each of your drinks.

“Cool coasters.”

“Thanks, I made them! I like to take up a lot of crafty hobbies, keeps my hands busy and distracted especially from some of my more harmful stims. My fine motor skills aren’t so great, so they are a bit messy, but I think they turned out alright.”

Immediately you felt heat rushing to your face. Spencer once again seemed confused and surprised by the sudden burst of personal information. For some reason you couldn’t shut up around Spencer. You were starting to notice just how much information about yourself you had given him involuntarily since he stepped into your apartment. It was weird to be with someone in the place you usually unmask; you hadn’t ever brought anyone into your apartment like this and now you were scaring Reid away.

After catching yourself talking so openly to Spencer so quickly, you tried your best to be quiet. In a feeble attempt to collect your thoughts, you excused yourself from the room.

“I think I’m going to change, if that’s alright with you.”

“Yeah of course, get comfortable.”

You changed into some pajamas and brought out a hoodie and an array of pajama pants and shorts as well as some sweats for Spencer.

“I don’t know what exactly of these things will fit you, but you can try anything you want to on in the bathroom just over there. I feel bad getting cozy when you didn’t bring anything to wear.”

“Wow, um thanks y/n, thank you. I’ll go try these.”

Spencer gently took the stack and plodded off to the bathroom. Everything since you walked in the door seemed to be weird or confusing to Spencer. He had been nothing but sweet and kind and normal all day and you’ve been making a fool of yourself at every opportunity. You didn’t want Reid thinking you were too weird.

You did your best to sit incredibly still on the couch waiting for Spencer to return from the bathroom. You could feel yourself wanting to stim but didn’t want to let yourself get carried away. Stimming would mean unmasking more and that was something you couldn’t handle. You already blurted out that you stim so much you hurt yourself sometimes, the least you could do was not let him see it. Eventually he returned with your hoodie and a pair of your pajama pants on. His mismatched socked poked out of the bottom clashing with the Christmas print of the flannel pants but, somehow, he made it work.

Spencer placed his neatly folded clothes on the floor next to the couch before sitting down next to you. You had laid a few blanket options out on the coffee table.

“Take your pick, Reid. I got a variety out to see what you liked best.”

Spencer stared at the blankets, reaching out to gently touch each one.

“Hey, y/n, thank you.”

It was your turned to look puzzled this time. Why was he thanking you?

“For what?”

“Well, it’s just you’ve been very considerate with everything, and I’ve never had anyone really think about me this much when I’ve been at their house. I mean I guess it’s not really their fault, they aren’t autistic so they might not even know that things like cups or drink options or fabric textures might be hard for me,” Spencer rambled as he started to lightly flap his hands. This was the first time you had ever seen Spencer stim in front of you. “But it’s just really nice to be around someone who understands without me having to ask. I didn’t think that was even possible.” Reid even let a little tear slip from his eye as rocked back and forth and shut his eyes really tight. You could tell now that this was what he wanted to do in the car. This was probably what he wanted to do every time he scrunched up his face for a split second but didn’t want the team to see him like this.

Everything started to make sense. Spencer wasn’t weirded out by what you had said. He was simply in shock. Neither of you had been around other autistic people much, let alone had an autistic friend before. He was just excited to finally have someone he could feel comfortable around. You let out a breath that you didn’t know you were holding and jerked your head back happily.

“Thank god that’s what this is about. I thought you thought I was weird or something.”

The two of you let out a big laugh and stimmed together for the first time. You even let yourself vocal stims, letting out a few high-pitched yips before going to take a sip of your chocolate milk.

There was a softness now between you two that wasn’t there before. So much of socializing was rigid for you, a constant guessing game of rules and lists and cues where you felt you had to deduce some kind of invisible formula from the facts of the situation in order to communicate, or at least not make a fool of yourself. The same could be said for Spencer. The way you two had to walk through the world was not conducive to who you wanted to be. But now, after today, there was no pressure to guess.

“Oh! Since this is my first time having another autistic person over, I can finally get out my stim toy box!” Immediately you rushed to your bedroom and pulled out a small plastic bin filled with all kinds of stim toys. “I usually use these when I watch a movie, so I don’t end up texting or playing a game on my phone and missing the whole plot, which happens more often than I’d like to admit.”

“This is the coolest thing ever! Remind me to show you my stim toy drawer at work when we go in tomorrow.” The two of you picked out a few stim toys to hold onto for the movie. The blanket Spencer picked was big enough for the two of you to share so you both snuggled up close to each other and got comfortable.

As the movie progressed, you found yourself wanting more touch from Spencer. With his permission you climbed into his lap and curled up on his chest with your arms around his shoulders. He squeezed back tightly around your middle, bringing you two even closer. Spencer placed a small kiss on the top of your head.

You looked up at him. His big hazel eyes looked back at you as he smiled.

“What was that for?” you questioned with a smile.

“I just really like you is all. I’m sorry I didn’t ask.”

“It’s okay. I really like you too. Like romantically. You weren’t exactly specific.”

“I like you romantically.”

“Okay cool because it would be really awkward right now if you didn’t.”

Your hands found Spencer’s cheeks as you leaned in and placed your lips on his. The both of you couldn’t help but smile into your first kiss. It was sweet and full and long overdue. The two of you felt made for each other in this moment, perfectly fitting into one another as you moved in sync through the kiss. When you finally pulled away, movie completely abandoned at this point, you couldn’t help but burry yourself in Spencer’s chest, pushing the two of you back on the couch laying down. All Reid could do in this moment was gently card his finger through your hair, smiling lazily at the ceiling with you starting to silently drift off. The day hadn’t been perfect, but you seemed happy now and that was enough for him.

“I think your birthday is my new favorite holiday,” he said to himself, as you were now fully asleep on his chest. “Happy birthday, y/n”

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katyspersonal · 22 days

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I accidentally stumbled upon a post you rbbed about canon characters who beat each other up violently and in fanon they violently make out and your tags about alfred and the cainhurst crow have made something in me stir. this is a brilliant pairing how did I never consider this

Oh, damn really now fshgdfdsg This pairing is actually a controversial classic of this fandom, on the level with Ariadella or Bradmon!! I am glad to give you an Insight point on accident hahaha; I believe it's normally called Crowfred, I tend to opt out for Alfeater! Ships where one or both characters aren't named goddamit..

My style of discussions about ships is to offer some more Insights like some dealer but with autism instead of drugs, so.. Two things:

1) Their age and/or timeline gap is uncertain!

In original Japanese script, Alfred doesn't call himself a "protege" of Master Logarius, which leaves it up to interpretation whether he even met Logarius in person or simply adores him parasocially! Should Bloody Crow come directly from Cainhurst, that'd make him much older than Alfred!

On the other hand, despite Arianna and Bloody Crow (and Fauxsefka, for that matter) existing, Annalise says that you are the only one consanguineously connected with her! It could come from the effect expiring over time if the person doesn't take her blood, which is what I am using. But at the same time, the Vilebloods we know might actually be descendants of the surviving ones! I've had some analysis on Arianna in this ( x ) post, but the gist of it: since actual noble dresses are silver, but hers is burgundy and coincidentally stretches during pregnancy no problem, her mother might have ran away while pregnant with Arianna!

But why Bloody Crow could not be similar, simply a descendant of the Vilebloods that never met Annalise in person and follows the mental image? Both Alfred and Crow could be caught in the unhealthy quest of admiring a person they've never met, continuing the rituals and the ideas of their ancestors they might not fully grasp, and moreover, continuing the old violent ideological conflict they don't even know the actual roots of or the reasons of continuing. They "gotta" kill each other because... why? Who told them they should? What about their own lives, not lives and honour of their 'ancestors'? It adds a lot of drama, and even makes stopping the war that isn't even their with love of all things more romantic!

At the same time, if one of them IS older and smarter, it opens up a whole other potential for the story. Crow could push the "naive fool" away from the crazy quest, or Alfred could convince Crow that sacrifices for "child of blood" is an evil and cursed thing. ....only if either of them calms their murderous unhinged energy for a second. :') And IF they both hail from the 'OG conflict' (time works strange ways in Yharnam), there is the appeal of simply growing tired from the pointless conflict which already destroyed both sides and they can face it together. Bonus controversy points depending on how many of each others side they've killed yet: Alfred straight up identifies as hunter of Vilebloods, whereas Crow is found in Grand Cathedral and strangely wields Healing Church's gun instead of something from Cainhurst (was he looting the victims or something?)

2) There is an alternative way to go about their story!

What if you read Alfred's deep resentment towards Annalise "seducing" people not as some hateful propaganda of the Church he's probably parroting, but as an actual precedent of something that happened? What if Bloody Crow wielding a Healing Church weapon IS his? What if the two used to BOTH be with the Healing Church and look for Annalise together, and one time Bloody Crow managed to reach his goal.. only to be completely charmed by Annalise and betray the Healing Church to join the Vilebloods instead, and he is only acting like crow-feathered Hunter of Hunters to have easier access to murdering people rather than beasts! (Djura pls stop trying to intervene let me finish typing the post ffs hfdjfdshsdfh)

So, Alfred IS pretty mad at his friend having chosen to simp instead, but can't blame Crow himself for it. This idea does need to address why then Annalise says you're 'the only one', as well as how would Crow overcome Logarius being an obstacle? @val-of-the-north says that maybe Bloody Crow instead joined via some other surviving Vileblood outside, so what we have. Parasocial? Telepathy? Communication via bell teleports? In either case, I think this is also an alternative idea worth exploring! Less dramatic, but also less controversial? (though would Alfred be a possessive jealous EX then? who knows..)

I want you to know though: I am actually kinda indifferent towards this ship by 'default', but while typing this reply I was going a little 😳 and thinking this is actually pretty great...? So, I've accidentally made YOU interested in it, and by YOUR interest, you've made ME interested in it- What is going onnnn dshhfdshdsf THIS IS TOO FUNNY HELP

P.S.: It is a no brainer that similar thinking applies to Ariadella in many parts! Adella only murders Arianna if she "dirtied" Hunter's blood for like three times, but in all cases, there is hope to look past fanatical brainwashing / glory and honour of ancestors respectively.. The way I see it, the message Miyazaki put here (and WOULD put here, considering his track record) is more "both sides were corrupt as fuck leeching on Yharnam in their own ways and this war was always pointless" than "church bad vampires good" fdsjhhdfs They all can talk..... this contradiction is so meaningless, ESPECIALLY if you are only continuing the ways of your ancestors before you had a choice to develop your own world-view. god. just talk, guys/girls....

#bloodborne #alfred hunter of vilebloods #bloody crow of cainhurst #bloodborne headcanons #shipping #alfeather #ask replies #(shit I think I might get stabbed by @heraldofcrow tomorrow.... just a silly feeling.. haha that'd be absurd right??)#(uh oh xdddd)

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