#how fast I'll go back to it

[omarfor-orchestra]

.

#yk when i said to my therapist 'i hate shopping bc clothes are designed on a standard body that's not that standard at all #and I don't ever find things that could fit me nicely' #and she went 'yeah but your body is not that dar from said standards' #and i went 👁️👄👁️ #wdym it's not that far from the standards #on todays episode of 'i have no idea what i look like and at this point I'm afraid to ask' #like come on i used to fit kids clothes THAT'S the standard my mind still thinks about #and also i think I'll go back there someday. I'm not saying right now I'm thinking about doing it but just let me live on my own and see #how fast I'll go back to it #it's too addicting I've never felt as bad and empty in every sense as i did when i was at my lowest but I've never felt as happy either #i know I KNOW it's not worth it bc there's literally only downsides and i was like a ghost of myself #and I've fought teeth and nails to find myself again #but I'd lie if i said i don't think about it every day #why do you think i watch these many shows lmao my brain needs to be busy all the time #sorry idk why I'm thinking thoughtsTM today #i need to study economics #tw body image #tw ed

[aquickstart]

ok sure i'll talk about farleigh start. i'll talk about his tragedy of never being enough as it were and then having to deal with fucking oliver. sure. disclaimer: it's about class (and race) and the horrible reality of the rich. the horrible reality of living as farleigh.

another disclaimer: i'm white! and poc definitely pick up on everything i'm talking about here as it is, and better. i was and am specifically interested in farleigh vs. oliver but it's impossible to examine without considering race. definitely let me know if anything abt this sucks!

farleigh and oliver are similar. it's annoying because every intruder that is not himself is annoying, partly because felix's attention swaying from farleigh is dangerous; there is always a threat of being discarded, even if no precedent existed. the potential is terrifying.

but you'd think he's seen this before, every summer (if venetia is telling the truth) or at least often enough to learn to recognize it fast, so he should know this will pass. part of it is i think still the deep anxiety, and i think he hated every boy that was there before, and it is sort of routine.

but definitely a huge factor in farleigh's annoyance is the fact that he's a biracial (black for cattons, that's all they see) man in a white rich household. he's alert and exhausted all the time. of course he's angry at oliver, regardless of whether he's the first to crash at saltburn for the summer or the fifty-first.

but the important thing is this.

farleigh is very jealous of and angry and pissed at oliver because farleigh sees all the similarities between them. outsider, in financial trouble, whatever it is, in need of cattons; and yet oliver is preferred. and farleigh seems to be the only one to really consider it. felix does not pick up on the hint when farleigh brings up the birthday party vs. his mother. felix's clumsy "different or... anything like that" is as much about race as it is about class, of course. the "we've done all that we can" bit is felix absolving himself of guilt because surely they had, surely the mysterious collective cattons that he's not really part of had tried all they could do. to him, farleigh is different from oliver, because farleigh has been helped. felix is rich and white and twofold uncomfortable with farleigh, even if he's nice about it, even if he genuinely enjoys his company; he doesn't look too close at farleigh because he feels too guilty to come too close. and farleigh can't do anything about it. he can't nice himself into it. the fucking tragedy of him is that he's never enough in the world of the ultra-rich white, even if (especially because!) he's born into it.

farleigh is very pissed at oliver because farleigh also sees all the differences between them. you know who can be nice poor white enough to fit in? fucking oliver. felix says "just be yourself, they'll love you" when oliver first moves in. farleigh was also probably told the same thing, and felix also probably believed that farleigh could just be himself, but even if the cattons were magically not racist at all (impossible), it wouldn't make a difference to farleigh. he would still self-censor, keep in check, be in dangerous waters (because racism is not just about the individual, but about the system). we see that he'd won himself leeway by years of trial and error by the way he speaks to the family, but it's still within the boundaries of acceptable, built by the cattons. he's part of them because they allow it, and farleigh is very, very aware.

the annoying thing is oliver can be himself. like, truly, genuinely, he can just be. and farleigh can't help but envy that.

as a side note, oliver is obviously jealous of farleigh in the beginning as well, because regardless of the reality of farleigh's situation, he was born into it, and hence, at least in oliver's mind, has his position solidified. oliver's whole thing is unquenchable thirst and hunger for whatever and everything the cattons have (including themselves!). he wishes to have been a catton from birth. to oliver, at first, there's nothing farleigh can really do to lose it. and until he figures out the cattons completely, he can't help but envy that.

but i think farleigh senses something different about oliver early on. at least on the level of the text, we have "you're almost passing [for] a real, human boy", which is so important because farleigh is the first to point out oliver's weirdness. the next to do so is venetia in the bath scene calling him a freak, but it's too late. farleigh is too early.

and i like to think he clocks oliver too early because he sees the jagged edges that he recognizes in himself. i think that one other thing that farleigh envies is oliver's freedom to let go. freedom to let go is very similar to freedom to be, but not quite the same.

to be is about perception: farleigh knows he cannot fall out of line, but would like to, and oliver does not have to worry about it at all (i mean, he does, because oliver also performs for felix, but farleigh doesn't know that).

to let go is about the self: farleigh is too scared to even want what oliver eventually does, to even consider the possibility. oliver can let himself want. oliver can let himself act. oliver just can do things and want things. i'm not sure farleigh can.

and so in this scene, when oliver's wants and actions have landed him nowhere with farleigh, felix, venetia, the cattons, of course farleigh gloats. he can let himself do that, because if the cattons are slowly discarding him, farleigh can allow himself this one small victory. he's relieved because despite the dangerous similarities, oliver is, thankfully, not really the same as farleigh, right?

but like. this movie is a love letter to all things gothic. oliver is a white man. he prevails. the brief performance that oliver put on did eventually end up more effective than farleigh's lifetime of constraint. my heart fucking breaks for him to be honest.

the issue that remains is the fact of farleigh's survival. i like to think that oliver came to respect him. oliver is smart, but farleigh is clever. he picks up on everything oliver does (to refer back to the karaoke scene, farleigh immediately retaliates in the cleverest way, in the moment), and he's the only one to do so consistently (venetia, again, for example, comes close, but too late; oliver doesn't like that, there's nothing to work with). hence, stay with me for a little longer, the paradox: farleigh survives because he was never enough for the cattons, but he is very worthy of oliver's attention. in his own freaky way, oliver wants him. look at that.

so. farleigh. farleigh might come back. he always comes back. and i think oliver wants to try harder next time.

#saltburn #farleigh start #i think someone mentioned how the race commentary was fleeting in that scene abt his mom but i disagree #it runs thru the whole movie #because oliver is white and because they're pitted against each other #im not saying its the best commentary ever and also like the movie is not about it at all #but it's there and it's pretty prominent #also on a completely different note can we talk about how oliver correctly assumed everyone at saltburn desires him carnally #dude pulled all the bitches by being strange and off-putting. i mean i completely get it. completely get it. i'd fold so fast you've no ide #also while i was writing i realized that yes indeed both farleigh and oliver perform for felix and its so fascinating #and it works for oliver because of course it does because hes white #anyway! again! let me know if this sucks #in like any way at all #i needed a masterpost of all and every thought i have about farleigh #i think this pretty much covers it so i'll let it go now #HES SO. like do you UNDERSTAND #the DEFINITION of doomed by the narrative but i LOVE that he survives #as he SHOULD #emerald is so right. he does come back and quickstart just torture each other in that house forever. besties for life #god im gonna shut up now this is so horrendously long #mine #saltburn journaling

[svtskneecaps]

ngl if streams get dry i think qsmpblr should create some initiative where we day by day watch the series over again in order. give it some fuckin stupid ass tag name like "qsmp reverse redux" for proper filtering and tag it all as vodblogging and set ourselves loose on bits of the series that some people may never have had a chance to watch because this series moves SO. GODDAMN FAST. and there's barely ever time for vodwatching.

pick your pov or watch multiple who cares but it has to be in our pocket dimension reverse time day. a qsmp electric boogaloo. idc if we have to make a fucking discord server to keep track of what day we're on or to maybe even coordinate those "watch2gether" youtube tool groups or whatever it was so those who feel inclined to twitch chat can still feel the feeling of being in a live chat except the streamers can't hear you.

i just think it would be fun. and i like liveblogging with y'all. and not everybody was around from day 1, so we can try to give them that. unfortunately we missed the exact one year so it'd be a bit messy but who the fuckkkkk cares :D

#qsmp #shut up vic #block game brainrot #seriously my biggest ever gripe with this server is it moves too goddamn fast #and that still applies to the fans too sometimes i think we move way too fast #here's our chance to go back through with knowledge of where it's going #and like do it as a community but like nicely because we know how it ends so why get mean the future's already written #oh and by 'how it ends' i mean the story arcs not the server #we don't know the future of the server lmao #i'll probably go back through independently tbh #but part of the fun of the qsmp for me has always been seeing what other people were saying #and i know a lot of people hopped in late or halfway through #yes we will have to work around the former members but that's the business #i still believe in us tbh

[whositmcwhatsit]

#elvis presley #baby elvis #daydreaming that he gets his ticket #and he rants all the way home to audubon about how he can't do nothing #not even get his haircut #without someone giving him grief for it #he warns me not to tell his mother that he's got yet another ticket #back home he paces around #can't settle #then he grabs my hand and announces we're going out #he's in a real mood and snaps: “I'll be back when I'm back!” when Gladys asks how long he'll be #he'll regret that later when he's calmed down and knows he'll have to face her wrath #he pulls on his motorcycle cap and yanks me onto his harley behind him #he'll also regret that later when I know he's calmed down enough to show my wrath #we don't even stop at the bottom of the drive to give any of the kids an autograph #they scatter as he screeches off down the residential road #he's going too fast and weaving around staid fords and chevys #but i trust him #i don't know why #by the time we hit the highway my hair is a wreck- a lion's mane across my face #i press my cheek against the warmth of his back and feel the tension easing #he whoops out a war cry #or maybe a howl of freedom and tugs my arm tighter around his waist #as we accelerate towards nowhere

[euesworld]

"How far is it to the moon? Not far at all with as fast as I am falling for you.."

To the moon and back baby, won't you be my lady - eUë

#how far i'll go #to the moon #to the moon and back #falling fast #falling for her #falling for you #fallen in love #fallen for her #fallen for you #falling #moon #moonchild #the moon #be my lover #crush #crush quotes #crushcore #lovecore #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled words #love quotes #love #love quote life quotes #love quote for her #quoteoftheday #romance #romantic #poem #poetry

[spokenfromtheheartandsoul]

idk man something about the way both wat and kan were feeling betrayed and (understandably) infuriated with akk when they found out he was the curse, but when push came to shove, there still wasn’t a moment’s hesitation for them to step up and cover for akk and aye in the heat of the moment, and it was only when in the presence of their friend group that they did confront him

#like how fast wat was thinking on his feet and how kan backed him just as fast despite neither of them knowing wtf was going on #like yes they're prefects...but they're best friends first! #like yes i will absolutely kick your dumbass in private but yes i'll always have your back out there #i just love friendship man idk #the eclipse #the eclipse the series #the eclipse series #eclipse the series

[crescentfool]

i have become the very thing i sought to destroy

#splatoon #splatoon 3 #inkling #splatoon oc #lizzy does art #I STILL DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TAG SPLATOON STUFF... and this guy still doesn't have a name it evades me. #anyways. before you chuck tomatoes at me for picking up the community 'favorite' (sarcasm) weapon. im going to try 'redeem' myself #aka this is my. my origin story. of my. villain arc? yeah. let's call it that #so fresh season introduced neo splash and i was like. 'ok i'll try it' since i wanted to try most of the weapons #and unfortunately. i fell in love with the fucker. so then i was like 'WELL WHAT ABOUT THE REGULAR KIT' #it was simple curiosity. the curiosity of a single squid. that destroyed the universe. and created a new one. #i wouldn't call this thing my main because i've yet to dive back into rank but Ough. i am understanding why the splash crab factory exists #also the fast fire rate of the splash has made it hard for me to go back to ttek.... ttek my beloved im so sorry... 😭 #ANYWAY THATS MY MONTHLY SPLATOON MEME... i want to draw more squid kids in proper sometime but idk when LOL

[mukamibabe]

What do u think karlheinz 3 wives or just cordelia would react to karl falling inlove with a guy?

Srry fot another request, im just rlly down bad for him

uhhh . ok. am i officially back? not uhh,, not really but all i know is: i can answer this one. whether i answer more, i have no idea- my amount of free time has run thin but i do know that i could do this pretty quickly. therefore! here you go!

no warnings other than.. the diamoms are.. the diamoms. they're not angels,, and uh cordelia is especially awful. that being said, tread carefully? i still never know how to warn about any works regarding this series bc.. it’s dark?? lol dl is it’s own warning.

cordelia is in complete denial. i mean, she can hardly believe karl loves anyone but her, and i highly doubt she took the news lightly. i also imagine her having a slight suspicion, because lets just say karl isn't exactly shy when it comes to spending time with his newfound love. sure, it might not be like.. extreme pda, but .. cordelia knows. she claims she does, at least. she thinks she knows this man to his very core, as he knows her. also, there's just.. something about the look in karl's eyes that makes her feel a sort of betrayal.

she keeps this info to herself for a while, but if anyone were to look closely, it won't be hard to realize that cordelia's being especially clingy as of late. it already hurts her pride enough, knowing that karlheinz has two other wives. but, for her beloved karl to be interested in a guy?? it's not something she could have even imagined, and it irks her more than anything. especially if karl's interested in a very .. 'plain' looking person. which is kind of hard anyways because cordelia has ridiculously high standards. will that stop her from trying to seduce them, though? definitely not.

cordelia will .. 99% at least attempt to sway the heart of both karlheinz (as per usual) and karl's love interest. and, if the seduction thing doesn't work on him? she'll make sure everyone in this messy situation is miserable. if she can't be happy with karl, no one else can be.

beatrix is shocked, but you will hear and see none of it. stone faced as always, no matter how she finds out of the news, she won't respond in anyways. deep down, i genuinely think she would be unbothered. in fact, she almost admires both karlheinz and his lover- it's a bold move. especially when there's so much... baggage involved. and by that, i mean : cordelia, christa + karl's millions of kids.

she's not supportive, nor is she against it. beatrix has always been one to stick to herself, and i highly doubt her and karl's new love interest will interact often, or at all, period, but truthfully, she wishes his new lover luck. she won't get in their way, but she knows there are others who will.

also i still.. i still feel that energy from her. who's to say she doesn't have a secret lady lover??? hm??

christa's heartbroken, but she would be no matter who karlheinz got with. she's .. going through a lot. like, a ton. it was hard for her to accept the fact that he had previous wives, but, with karl’s reassurance that she’s his true love, everything is okay. christa trusts karlheinz, at least, on some days, so .. there’s no way he could love anyone but her. i imagine christa being the last to find out, for some reason. i mean, i guess it makes sense because she’s kind of isolated and like.. locked away most of the time but.. idk. there’s also a part of her that literally will not process it. ..it makes her mental state in an entirely worse state than it was already, for multiple reasons. first, karl lied to her. did he? she is the one he loves the most, so why..?? ?why is she hearing all this stuff about him having a new lover?? with a guy, at that, too.. she’s in denial for the longest time but it’s also because she genuinely doesn’t believe it. hell, she doesn’t even know if she’s just hearing lies or not- even if she saw physical proof, i feel like she’d think she was hallucinating or something. 

once she’s past all of that, she shuts herself off. she’s completely heartbroken. empty. there was a part of her deep down that felt like karl never truly loved her, but at least she knew she was the favorite wife - again, as per karl’s reassurance.

honestly, if she were in a better mental state, i can see her genuinely worried for this guy. she loves karl, or at least harbors some sort of true feeling towards him, and her pity for his new lover isn’t out of hatred, it’s an actual concern. as much as she loves her husband, christa is very well aware that he’s never up to any good, and there is a part of her, deep down, that would feel bad for his new partner.

#queued post #this is awkward ok . i know. i disappeared. again. #and: again. it's hard for me to .. keep everyone updated socially. i know;; im sorry #this . i guess was written purely on a whim? #idk. i just felt like it wasn't going to be too challenging and i could whip it up really fast lol #idk ok i wrote this impulsively ig #umm in the meantime: im not too into dl . does that surprise you? bc it shouldn #-'t my interests are always changing. give me a month and i'll find another interest too lmao #right now i guess it's obey me?? but i just found this dating sim game??? idk what it is exactly but it's called blooming panic #if you know about it.. HJhjdfhs is my response. im;; ;im love toaster;;; ; 😳 DJFKSJHHDSF #karlheinz sakamaki #karlheinz #cordelia sakamaki #christa sakamaki #beatrix sakamaki #god writing this.. and having the self control to not mention my oc?? how epic of me #i can't help it jdkhgf i hear diamoms and i send my girl out like a hound DKJSFKDH #skjdfjksdfh im sorry im done #idk when i'll be back but as always i appreciate your guys's patience. idk why *talking* has to be my biggest challenge but .. the world kne #w i'd be too powerful JFDHFJSDH im jk #Diabolik Lovers #diabolik lovers headcanons #male!reader

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

where im taking the doctor for a date tbh

#yea we're doing all three in a day no thats not insane thats being honest about the speed at which they live their life #you know that thing about how the speed of your heart determines how fast you experience time? #like mice experience time faster than us and also live shorter? #bc their hearts beat faster than ours? #dont know if thats true but i read it once i think #you know how the doctors hearts sound like. super hyper fast? #anyway i want to spend a day hearing the most bonkers corrections of museum cards and watching them get in fights with museum people #'listen ''mr expert'' i killed the last dodo (turns to me. 'accidentally!' turns back) i Think i'd know what they look like dont you' #'really wasnt my fault. was a little bit my fault. 53 birds one timey wimey detector sort of a situation. shouldnt have brought it honestly #'but you dont step out of your tardis going: #'hm maybe i shouldnt bring my machine that boils eggs at 30 paces in case i run into the last 53 dodos'' #'i mean the 17th century wasnt even on the agenda! i was in the 32nd century! two galaxies over! and then suddenly: mauritius' #'dont know what happened' #'well' #'53 exploded dodos. happened.' #'my sincerest apologies' #and i'll go 'lunch?' #or kissing with tongue behind a dinosaur skeleton whichever

[aro-aizawa]

me, first watching wtdsik: i will not become a mega fan of kalego i will not. i refuse. yes he shows hints of caring for his students occasionally but--

episode s2 ep 12 kalego' home visit: hi

me: FUCK.

#shut up danni's talking #danni liveblogs #danni liveblogs wtdsik #i knew from the second i saw he'd be their homeroom teacher that it'd end up like this #i adore these characters sm guy you don't understand #i have been v lucky what whatever spoilers never sunk in before i blacklisted the tag #so all of this is COMPLETELY new to me i have no prior experience w this fandom my brain is fkn thriving on the new enrichment #i have to keep stopping myself periodically so i don't go through it all so fast i barely comprehend it #bc then it's a blink and you'll miss it minor hyperfixation that i'll forget in less than a week #its happened before w shows/animes w short seasons/content and sometimes longer ones #those i blitz through and catch up but my enthusiasm burns up before i get to the next installment so i fall behind then forget it rip #back to my original point: kalego and aizawa are so fkn similar i want to chew glass #i can't decide whether they're incarnations of each other or they'd be besties who sit in silence together #and never speak a word to the other bc they have a deep respect and understanding of each other speech is unnecessary #OR if they're somehow brothers or cousins #if it was anywhere near april fools i'd probs just edit my icon to be kelego instead of aizawa #and see how long it'd take for someone to notice lol

[risingsunresistance]

was reading a forums post about mining and they're so right, i finally realize why mining is so toxic

the people mining are ONLY doing it for coins, not bc they enjoy mining. they are having a terrible time. they aren't having fun. and of course this is our problem jhdkfj

#i mithril mine bc i genuinely enjoy mining but cant stand how toxic the ch is #so fuck gemstone mining i hate it everyone there sucks. glad i got my divan at 48 runs and all perfect gems so fast lol #one day i'll save up the money for a quick claw but for now i'm working towards that hype :P #glad to know it's a universal experience tho that everyone thinks miners are toxic and it's not that they hate me specifically lmao #chat #sb #hiiiii im on break rn but i go back soon :V yes i was on the forums on break #i cant stop thinking abt skyblcok man. that's usually the case anyways but it hit me BAD this week jdhfh

[dandyshucks]

going to cry because i am worried i won't finish all the crochet gifts in time :''")

#okay wait time to decide on a vent tag sjdkskl UHHHHH #can i just... tag it with ... ''vent //'' or is that annoying to add to a the tumblr filtering system fhdkdl #thats how old school tumblr cw/tw tagging worked fjdkl they'd just put slashes in so thats what im used to #vent // #we'll go with that ig? lmk if that doesnt work for anybody for any reason and u want smth else and I'll accomodate!!! #okay. um. anyways yeah idk fjdkdl i have been crocheting pretty much all day? i havent done anything else other than eat meals fjdksl #just... crocheting. my wrist hurts sm fjfkdl #i would still be crocheting but after messing up three times on this wing and frogging it all the way back i gave uo #up* #decided to just call it a night bc damn thats frustrating! idk what i was doing wrong but i kept ending up w the wrong amount of stitches!! #i think theres a possibility i can finish everything but im rly not sure fhdkdl tomorrow is already the 17th #im just. afraid fhdkdl i rly want this to work out !!! agh!! #I cant tell if my current chest pain is from anxiety or from medication (which i take for heart pounding from anxiety) wearing off djdkdl #ough. uncomfortable. I'll go draw and hopefully i can calm down bc im just sbdhdkl so afraid rn #IT ALSO DOESNT HELP that im the only one besides Kam in the system who knows how to crochet well fsbdhdkl #so the others cannot take over bc they cannot crochet either at all or as fast as i can :') i am stuck! in front!! AGGHH #i want a break man djsksl this season is so bad for me mentally fbjfdkl but by god i am getting thru it #okay off to go draw now fhdksl i have several ideas for drawing yay

[luci-hemwin-evanson]

one of the things that will forever hunt me and make me feel bad about myself its the fact that I know the whole fcking backstory of the "I dont fit in and I dont wanna fit it, Im weird, Imma weirdo, have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on?" scene

I feel so bad, like I cant believe it, like people dont have to know I watched it when it came out but I know it and I feel sorry for my soul

it really gets me down

(sorry for the multiple missspelled words in the tags, Its late and I didnt doble check and Im tired and I dont think I cant re write all of that)

#like Ive been watching fcking tiktok compilations on youtube which is sad enough but everytime that clip comes out I feel such sorrow #I want to die #I mean cry #I want to cry #I feel so bad for myself #I cant believe I liked that #riverdale #jughead jones #being a riverdale fan back in the day its my biggest darkest secrets #it will haunt me forever #if someone ever gives me the chance to erase something from my brain I will not hesitate Ill beg them to delete any detail of riverdale #thats coming from someone who stopped watching after episode 3 of season 3 maybe #like you know that scene from stranger things where theyre burning the upside down tunnels thats what I want them to do in my brain w river #“i wish I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things” but its riverdale #its not a break up its just deep deep regret and hours and years of my life I'll never get back and will haunt me forever #like that episode of Sonny with a chance where they go to public school #thats how riverdale memories make me feel #one of the scenes that will haunt me forever its Betty seeing her mom and sister about to burn her niece and nephew for a ritual #and thats bc I decided that was my last straw and ran away as fast as I could from that show and now I'll never know what happens afterward #trapped depressed ansious thats how that Sonny w a chance ep & Riverdale make me feel #also strime cringe #like Cherryl pigblood Josie stalker ???? WHY DID NOBODY EVER TALKED ABOUT THAT EPISODE AGAIN???? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?? #THAT LET ME DEEPLY DISTURBED STRIMLY SCARED #AND THE GUY NEVER HEARD BACK FROM JOSIE BC CHERRYL TOLD HER HE DID THAT? AND SHE KEEP BEING FRIENDS W CHERRYL #The fact that they used to air this episodes at the same time that in the US but in my country it was between 12 & 1 am #I HAD TO GO TO BED AFTER THAT!

[omarfor-orchestra]

.

#period's not coming and i could blame the stress but i know it's not it and if it doesn't come at all I'm gonna be in trouble #it didn't happen this fast last time #anyway. one more week till these last exams and I think I'm not gonna pass at least one #and idk what to study anymore bc I've been doing it non stop since october #and i wish i had someone who yk told me like 'we'll study together' or 'i'll give you a hand' or 'let's go for a walk so you can clear your #mind' so to make all this stuff lighter #but I don't so it's just me and my body and my loneliness and this illness that will never leave me #and I'm exhausted #yes thank you doctor i know I'm back there because i don't feel in control in my life so i have to take that control from somewhere #i wish you could tell me how to fix it instead #because right now I can only see myself in an hospital bed I can't stop thinking about it #rant

[labetalol]

can SOMEONE please tell me how to move PAST it. mac voice just move past it. i need to move past it

#you know how like. you would THINK a whirlwind romance would fix you... i thought i needed a fast and crazy relationship however turns #out i'm too mentally ill to actually let GO. to actually KNOW when it's over. i am still hung up on him as #if it isn't the most over it's ever been. it is OVER. girl snap OUT OF IT. #but. then i remember how he. held my hand through the dutch bros drive thru. or when he kissed the top of my head. let me drink #his coffee. asked me where i am so he can swing by to take me to jamba juice #my second ever kiss was in a fucking pharmacy. surrounded by psych meds. i was shaking and he like. hugged me. like girl #i don't even care if like. none of it was real and he just used me. because to me it was real. he loved me at least #the idea of me in those moments and i loved him BACK. girl i would do anything to go back i would do anything #but i know i can't. so instead i am sitting here. holding out that he'd somehow come BACK. he once told me he doesn't want #to mess me up but i threw myself at him because i was so sure the heartbreak will be worth the love. he really was amazing #for just that few months we were buddies. a part of me will always want him and he told me i'll always have a part of his heart but like . #it doesn't matter. never did. because he was never mine to have. never mine to lose. so all of this means nothing. because it never #should have happened. which makes the sadness unbearable lol it shouldn't even be here i am suffering for no fucking reason #fuck my baka life #personal

[toasteaa]

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#vent.tea #you ever mind your own business and then remember all the shit people have said about your body #and it slings you right back into a hole of 'I'm not losing enough weight/I'm not losing weight fast enough'? #Just remembered how my mom and grama for years would tell me that I was too big and guys wouldnt like me but that #my sister was beautiful and they always had these pretty clothes for her to try on and wear. #Or how a friend in college told me I have a lunch lady body and that my voice sounded annoying. #And it's all stuff that I grew up hearing and I'm trying to see myself in a better light while taking care of myself #but it's that awful part of my brain that keeps telling me that I'm not good enough or pretty enough to be taken seriously #because I'm still 179 lbs instead of something lower. #I'm getting married for crying out loud and I still don't think I'm pretty enough to be in photographs #and I hate it. #I hate that everyone thinks I should just be over it too as if I didn't go through two decades hearing about how I'm #the short and stocky fat sister with the chubby face and big frame while my sister was 'model like' and willowy and pretty. #It shouldn't mean anything to me now but sometimes I just look in the mirror and just...idk #I'll get over it as usual but fuck man. Was not expecting to feel like this rn. #tbd