#he steals from ford sometimes

[ckret2]

Chapter 34 of human Bill Cipher not making friends with Stan during his imprisonment in the Mystery Shack, featuring: the tooth fairy and her dentist attempting to steal Bill's teeth in the middle of the night. Stan would care a lot less if he weren't still handcuffed to Bill. And also: Stan and Bill have a friendly chat. As you can see.

####

Even though Bill and Stan were trying to watch the same TV as they had dinner, Bill refused to sit in the living room with Stan; so he sat on the bottom step of the stairs in the entryway, Stan perched on the end of the couch, and they strung the handcuffs around the doorway with their little plastic microwave dinner trays balanced on their knees.

Both of their dinners had come out undercooked. Both of them were too proud to complain.

After picking through maybe a third of his meal, Bill decided he'd rather go to bed hungry than eat something he didn't enjoy, dropped his tray on the floor, and kicked it into the kitchen. "Hey Stanley, still glad you went with the cuffs instead of the bracelets?"

"Shut up."

Bill smirked victoriously, and looked back to the TV. "No mayonnaise in Ireland."

"What?"

Bill pointed at the screen and the rows of blank letters waiting for contestants to fill them in. "The round that just started. That's the solution."

"Oh." Stan counted out all the blank letters, frowned, and said unconfidently, "It can't be that. It doesn't make any sense."

"You're wrong," Bill said lightly; and then fell silent, running the tip of his tongue over the new gold spots on his teeth. 

When the contestants had guessed enough letters that one could hesitantly offer, "Is it... 'no mayonnaise in Ireland'?" Bill smirked triumphantly at the sound of Stan's silence. He just barely waited until the next board of blank letters flashed on the screen, and then announced, "Tip your waiter."

Stan counted the letters under his breath. "Man. I thought I was good at this, but we'd clean up if we put you on this show. No one would ever figure out how you're cheating."

Bill laughed. "Listen to you! If you were Ford, you'd just be mad that I'm giving away all the answers before you can guess. That's the great thing about you, Stanley: you don't get irritated at me for stupid little reasons. You're more fun." He took a deep breath and shouted, "Hey Ford, did you hear that?! Stan's the fun twin—!"

"Keep it down, you idiot. Ford's in the basement, he can't hear you." Stan had thought Bill was finally sobering up from the sedative; maybe not. (Then again, maybe this was just what he was like sober.) "And what are you talking about? You irritate me all the time!"

"Oh, well, I guess I just don't care when you're irritated." Bill laughed.

Stan grumbled, planted his chin in his hand, and tried to focus on Cash Wheel. It was difficult when he already knew the solution.

He tolerated the silence for less than a minute before sighing, looking toward the doorway, and demanding, "What's with you, anyway? Why are you so obsessed with my brother?"

Bill spluttered in disbelief. Stan could feel his handcuff chain jerk over. Voice even shriller than usual, Bill said, "Excuse m—Excuse me?! Obsessed? Moi?! I don't know what you're talking about!" He forced a loud laugh.

"If Ford's in the room, he's the only one you talk to, and when he isn't here you're yelling across the house for him—"

"Is it obsession to sometimes pay a little more attention to the human here I happen to know best and to whom I happen to be a teacher, muse, and friend—"

"Oh that's a load of bull," Stan snapped, "you're not any of those things! Friend? Friend? He wants you dead, you crazy—"

"Well if he does," Bill said, louder still, "then wouldn't it make perfect sense to keep my eye on the guy who killed me? There's no big mystery—"

"That's it! That's just it!" Stan tossed down his TV dinner and stood so he could face Bill properly. "He didn't kill you alone, remember? That was a two-man con you fell for! But you keep talking like Ford was the only one there!"

Without bothering to stand, Bill looked up at Stan and said, quite confidently, "Only one person killed me. You're just the place where I was killed."

"I wh...?" Stan fell silent, blinking at Bill in disbelief.

"Do you even remember what happened inside your brain? After you took my hand?" Bill asked. "You don't, do you?"

Stan glowered at Bill, but he shut his mouth and said nothing.

"I knew it." Bill laughed nastily. "We were both trapped in there when Fordsy fired the gun. Completely powerless. You were weeping and begging for a way out when the flames got too close, but there was nothing I could do by then—"

"All right," Stan took a threatening step closer, "I know that that didn't happen! I would never—"

Bill leaned back, hands raised palm out in appeasement, "Okay okay okay! All right, you got me—just embellishing the story a little—we actually had a big psychic laser battle. Imagined up all kinds of futuristic weapons. It was very 90's action movie. You did... fine, you were fine."

Stan considered that. "Ehh... sure, that sounds more like me."

"But it was all imaginary," Bill snapped. "It was a vast illusion! At that point there was nothing either of us could do to the other. We were just two victims locked inside a burning house as it came down around us. You didn't kill me, you never even had the power to kill me."

"Huh." That was all Stan said. But he kept looking at Bill, frowning distrustfully, studying him.

Bill's shoulders slowly went up under the pressure of Stan's gaze. "Oh—oh wow, okay, I see what's going on!" He gave Stan a crooked, mean smile. "You're jealous, aren't you? You thought offering up your body to be the scene of a murder finally made you a co-star instead of a sidekick! All your lives, Stanford got more attention from daddy, more attention from the teachers, more attention from the whole world... and you thought you'd finally get at least a little attention from the big bad living nightmare. Just because you let your brother shoot you in the head!" Bill laughed. "You weren't special enough for anyone else—why do you think you're special enough for me?"

Stan jerked Bill to his feet by the handcuff's chain. "I bet I'm special enough to break your face!" He dragged him into the living room, fist raised. "Let's see if you stay down this time—"

Bill scrambled back as far as the chain allowed him. "NO!" Horror filled the one ragged syllable. His free arm was raised to shield his terrified eye.

They froze, staring at each other.

Bill straightened up, forcing a nervous, rattled laugh. "Come on, I just got all this dental work done. At least give me a couple days to enjoy it before you pound it in!" He was talking fast to fill the silence. "Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind having a flatter face, all these bones and cartilage jutting out never did feel right—"

Stan feigned a punch.

Bill flinched.

Stan laughed at him, slapping his knee. "You big chicken! Look at you! Baw-baaawk-bgawk! HA!"

Bill tried, very hard, to explode Stan with his brain. This usually worked on people who dared try to insult Bill Cipher. "If I had one billionth of a billionth of my power, I'd have already destroyed you—!"

"But you don't, sucker!" Stan laughed louder.

Bill screamed in frustration, turned his back on Stan, and stomped upstairs to sulk.

Or, he would have, if he hadn't gotten one step up the stairs before the handcuffs yanked tight. He stumbled back, landed on his butt, and inadvertently jerked Stan down on one knee with a yelp.

Bill cast a resentful look at Stan—who was rubbing his shoulder and finally looking as irritated as Bill felt—and then he lay down and deliberately stared straight at the ceiling. "Whatever. I don't even care about your pointless mammal posturing. It's fine. It doesn't bother me. I'm calm. You're just making yourself look stupid." Bill shut his eyes. "I wanna go to bed."

####

"Bill," Ford said.

Bill cracked open an eye and peered up at the form looming over his makeshift cushion bed. "Mrm?"

In a very calm voice that suggested he was not calm at all, Ford asked, "Why are you sleeping on the floor in front of my bedroom door."

"Oh. Right, you missed it." Bill yawned and sat up. "Well, you see, Stanley got us handcuffed together until tomorrow morning," he pointed at his cuffed wrist and rattled the chain, "and I tried to be accommodating, but he doesn't want to sleep in the attic and won't let me sleep in the guest room—"

Stan yelled through the door, "And Mr. Accommodating here still refuses to sleep on the sofa bed."

"—so the best compromise we've got is sleeping on the floor with the chain under the door. Not my idea of a fun evening, but." Bill shrugged ruefully, like an adult resigned to indulging the whims of a petulant child. "Do you want in? It'll take us a little coordination to get the door open, but we've already done this once, so—"

"I'm not messing with this," Ford said. "I'm sleeping in the basement. Good night, Stanley."

"Night, Ford."

Trying not to sound miffed at being snubbed, Bill said, "Hey, do you still keep your cot on that rug you used to channel me better?" He laughed.

"Nope. I burned that rug." Ford turned the corner and left.

Bill stuck his tongue out at his back. He didn't actually know whether Ford was lying. He wished he'd thought to check out Ford's study before heading down to the portal back when he'd had his time tape.

"Hey." He rapped on the bedroom door. "I thought we weren't asking Sixer for help so he wouldn't find out about the handcuffs." They hadn't actually discussed it, but he'd taken it for granted. "Now that he knows, why aren't we getting his help?"

"What, you think I need his help to solve all my problems? Ha!"

"Okay, fine. Doesn't matter to me, I'm used to sleeping on the floor." Bill lay back down and sighed.

He shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

####

Bill wasn't quite dreaming, but for a few seconds it was something very close to a dream. He saw points of light in darkness. One of his earliest, oldest memories. He'd memorized the constellations outside of his plain when his starblind species didn't even have a word for "constellations."

But these weren't those points of light in darkness. Some nearer, some farther—he could sense their distance—and all of the lights were calling to him. All of his eyes. He could see so many more than he had last night.

One was just a few inches away. He could almost reach out and grab it. 

But those few seconds of light-in-darkness were in the gray twilight between the dreamscape and the physical world, and Bill only fleetingly glimpsed them as he passed from sleep back to wakefulness. He opened his eyes.

To see a person looming over him.

And the taste of thick metal tools in his mouth.

"Hi," Bill said, for lack of anything better to say under these circumstances.

It was enough to make Dr. Illing gasp and stumble back from Bill. "Jeez." He clapped a hand over his heart. "I'm sorry— I-I didn't want to—"

"Uh-huh." Bill sat up and took the abandoned tool out of his mouth—pliers. They'd been gently clamped around one of his canine teeth. "Not the most unpleasant thing I've had aimed at my face in the middle of the night," Bill mused, "but it's pretty high on the list." He tried to lift his other hand to feel his face for damage—and only remembered the handcuff when the rattling chain caught his wrist in place.

They both looked at the cuff. As Dr. Illing realized Bill was trapped, a change came over his face—a desperate, crazed fury.

Bill shook his head. "Ohhh, no no no—"

"Give me that!" Dr. Illing lunged for Bill, one hand reaching toward the pliers and the other toward his throat, trying to pin him against the door.

Bill shoved his feet in Dr. Illing's chest, trying to hold him back. "Stanley!" He pounded on the door with the pliers. "We have visitors, wake up!"

"It'll only take a second," Dr. Illing insisted. "You were going to give me one anyway! And that tooth is already loose! You can handle the pain! Just—hold still, I can't damage it!" He managed to get his thumb in Bill's mouth—he cringed when Bill bit down, but didn't back off—and pulled a fresh set of pliers out of his tool bag.

Bill parried the pliers with his own pair. "STAAAN—"

The door unlatched and Bill tumbled backward into the room. He twisted out of the dentist's way, slid the handcuff chain out from under the door, and skittered behind Stan.

"Wha—what's—?" Stan squinted into the dark hallway. "The heck's going on?"

Bill stretched to Stan's nightstand and grabbed up his glasses and hearing aids. "Put your face on!" He shoved them in Stan's hands, then reached back for his dentures.

Stan put his glasses on first. "What the— Illing? What are you doing here?"

Dr. Illing stood forlorn in the hallway, trembling all over, eyeing Stan nervously. "Uhhh," he said eloquently. "I just..." He gestured around Stan's shoulder toward Bill, "wanted to check her fillings. I thought one of them might be a little loose—"

Bill's cackle cut through his excuses. "Oh, come on! I know your boss put you up to this! What does the little lady want with my mouth?"

Dr. Illing's eyes widened. All he managed to produce was a squeak.

Stan said, "What 'little lady,' this guy's self-employed. What are you talking about—"

"The tooth fairy, genius!" Bill flung his free hand in the air. "Why did you think your dentist pays you to pull your teeth! He lives in a van, who'd you think was funding him?!"

"Uh," Stan said. "You know, I sort of just took his whole 'creepy sadist who bribes people to let him pull their teeth' shtick at face value." (Dr. Illing's shoulders slumped.) "But—I know things are weird around here, but the tooth fairy's gotta be fake, right? That's the stupidest..."

A fairy popped out of Dr. Illing's bag—just large enough to use an adult man's hand like a chair, with a bob cut so white it almost shone, giving off a glowing toothpaste-blue aura, wearing a necklace of baby teeth like a hunter who'd taken trophies from the bones of her kills.

"Oh," Stan said. "Well. Never mind. Just one more crazy thing in this town."

Bill's back went stiff, his eyes widened, and he curled his fists into the fabric of Stan's tank top like he was holding his shield in place. "Oh, she's here." He lisped an inhuman swear under his breath.

Ignoring them, the tooth fairy glowered up at Dr. Illing. "How did they know? What did you tell them!"

"Nothing!" he protested. "I swear! I'd never!"

"Well, you must have let something slip—"

Bill swallowed hard; but then he straightened up, let go, and stepped into the open. "Why, if it isn't Miss Pearl E. White, in the fae flesh! To what do I owe such an honor?"

Dr. Illing and the fairy both flinched. She asked, "How do you know my...?"

"Oh, Pearl. I know things you couldn't even dream of." Bill favored her with his best, widest, most unnerving grin.

And got the creeping sense that she'd stopped looking at his face, and started staring at his teeth. He pressed his lips together. "And here's just one thing I know: lady, if you were toeing the line of your treaty any harder, you'd be tripping across it. So tell me what you're doing here and what you want."

She huffed defensively, wings buzzing as they lifted her several inches in the air. "I'm well within the terms of the treaty! I haven't laid a hand on you and I'm not about to start, and I've been offering more than adequate financial compensation—"

"Oh, right," Bill laughed, "I'm sure the queen of your court would be thrilled to hear you ordered your legally-dubious helper to rip out someone's teeth in the dead of night—"

"Hi," Stan said, "question. What the hey are you guys talking about. Treaties? Queens?"

"Oh, this is all going over your head, isn't it! I'll catch you up." He turned to the side to point accusingly at Pearl, "Little miss enamel-happy here has a thing for teeth. To the extent that she started stealing them straight out of humans' mouths. She went so crazy that the local human settlements actually declared war on her court over her dental kleptomania—and the fairies she dragged into the conflict weren't any happier about it than the humans were. So now, under the conditions of a human-fairy peace treaty, she's only allowed to acquire already freed teeth that are voluntarily offered to her by their owners—which is why she started bribing children."

Pearl crossed her arms, fuming. "That's a very biased version of events. You're just trying to paint me in the worst possible—"

"Save it, sparkles! I woke up with your minion's pliers in my mouth, I'll be as biased as I want!" He shifted his attention to Dr. Illing—who seemed to wilt under the force of Bill's glare. "But she's getting deep in a gray area working with this guy. Once a tooth is handed to a dentist, he's its 'owner,' and can freely give that tooth to the tooth fairy—but him extracting the tooth puts the whole operation on shaky legal ground. Really, I think the only reason you've gotten away with this racket so long is because nobody's filed a legal challenge with the fairy court yet."

"Nobody's complained about it," Pearl said hotly.

"None of your victims know about it," Bill countered. "Hey Fisherman," he jabbed Stan's arm, "how do you feel knowing your teeth were sacrificed to the tooth fairy?"

He considered that. "Well—it was free."

Pearl crowed, "Ha!"

Ignoring Stan's reply, Bill blithely moved on: "But by any reading of the treaty, hiring a human to steal teeth straight out of someone's mouth is beyond the pale. So you'd better have a good explanation for this!"

"Yeah. I do have a good explanation." She sucked in a deep breath. "I want your teeth!" She launched herself toward Bill; Dr. Illing had to grab her around the waist to hold her back. "I'd do anything for those teeth! They're the most amazing teeth I've ever seen!" She clawed at the air, hissing and straining as she tried to reach Bill.

"My lady, please," Dr. Illing said pathetically. "The treaty—"

She aimed a swipe at his face. "I know about the stupid treaty!"

Bill stared at her, baffled. His perfectly normal human teeth? But he shook his head, smiled, and said, "Well okay, fantastic! It's been a while since I've bargained with the fae, but I'm not too attached to this body—so how much gold do you have on you, kid?"

"We're not bargaining. You already know too much," Pearl snapped. "I'm not about to get blackmailed by a human, and I'm not going back to fairy jail. So here's what's happening." She jerked a thumb over her shoulder toward Dr. Illing. "I'm gonna have my guy rip out every one of your teeth, and then rip your head apart so you can't talk, and the only negotiating you get to do is whether or not my guy uses the local anesthetic before he starts. So what's it gonna be?"

Dr. Illing went deathly pale and his knees shook as he verged on fainting.

"Hey," Stan waved at the fairy, "listen, I'd love to see this guy's head get ripped apart, but—crazy thing, long story—it turns out there's fifty-fifty odds that killing him could end the world. So, maybe let's talk this out—?"

Pearl gestured dismissively at Stan. "His mouth has nothing left of interest to me. He's a witness. Kill him, too."

Dr. Illing swallowed hard; but, with trembling hand, he reached into his tool bag and slowly pulled out a large power drill that definitely wasn't designed for teeth.

"Right," Bill said. "Okay. This'll be fun." If he said it convincingly enough, maybe it would be true. "Hey, Fisher—you know that spell Sixer's got on me? If I cast it on Frankie here, can you..."

"Yeah, I see where you're going."

Pearl's eyes narrowed. She pounded her tiny fist on Dr. Illing's finger. "Hurry up, before they—"

Before she could issue a warning, Stan charged at them, fist raised. Dr. Illing flinched, shielding his face with the drill; but Stan dodged around him, heading for the hall. Bill seized Dr. Illing's upper arm as he passed—"Amnesia Limina, Stupidi Digiti, Occultus Locus!"—and then Stan yanked Bill out into the hall by their chain and slammed the bedroom door.

Dr. Illing gasped. "What?"

Blue light radiated through the cracks around the door as Pearl darted around, shrieking, "Open the door, you idiot!"

There was a moment of futile scrabbling. "How?!"

Bill and Stan retreated to the entryway. Bill said, "If we get outside, we can lose 'em."

"Or get the car and run them over," Stan said.

"You don't wanna be the guy who kills the tooth fairy! She might be in the doghouse, but she's still old fae nobility. Her court would—"

Bill cut off as Stan opened the door. Instead of leading to the porch and the forest beyond, it now opened into a bone-colored cathedral, the arches and vaulted ceilings constructed out of what looked like small irregular pebbles: teeth.

Stan gaped at the vast chamber. "Where the heck...?"

Bill looked at what had once been the outside of the door; the numbers "13 / 32" were carved into the wood. "Nowhere we want to go! Shut it!"

Stan slammed the door.

"That explains how she got in," Bill muttered. "There's no time to un-enchant this exit, we'll need another one."

Stan pointed toward the living room. "We can go out the—"

"The floor room exit." Bill dragged Stan back toward the hallway they'd just left.

"What?! That's the other end of the house, you idiot, the gift shop's right through here!"

"But it's a straight shot down the hall—" Bill stumbled to a stop.

The tooth fairy was clawing her way out from under the bedroom door. She caught sight of Bill, and her wings raised in a sharp V like a wasp preparing to attack. "You!"

"Never mind."

Stan dragged Bill back toward the living room. "Now can we go—"

Bill saw the living room—that familiar dark room, the familiar walls and carpet, the familiar armchair facing the doorway as though welcoming him back, the pale blue light from the fish tank climbing the walls like flames—and Stanley Pines, dragging Bill by a chain toward this tomb—and he grabbed on to the staircase railing. "Up."

Stan jerked to a stop. "That's a dead end!" He tried again to pull Bill toward the living room. "Are you insane?!"

"Yes." Bill locked his hand around the railing like a corpse in rigor mortis. He'd break his fingers before he let go. "We're going up."

"We are not—"

The tooth fairy shot past them like a glowing blue bullet, streaking into the kitchen. Stan started, and Bill took the opportunity to drag them up the stairs. Stan finally followed.

"You're not getting out of here with my teeth!" Pearl screamed after them.

"Ignore her," Bill muttered, "she can't risk touching us and she knows it. She's powerless without her minion." He stumbled on a step and just kept climbing on all fours.

"I wouldn't bet on her self control!" Stan struggled to keep up, his cuffed wrist in the lead. "Why are we going this way? How do you expect to get out from the attic?!"

"I don't know! It just seemed like a better idea! Do I have to think of everything?!"

"This was your plan!"

"There's got to be a ladder in the storage over the kids' room, we can get down out a window."

"I don't keep ladders—!"

"Well maybe Jesús does, do you know everything in the attic?! Come on!"

Bill kicked the door to the kids' room until Stan opened it. After a short argument about who should climb to the storage loft ("I have to look, you can't see in the dark!" "And you can?! Since when!" "Since always! You didn't need to know!"), Bill scrambled up the makeshift rungs nailed to the wall while Stan climbed halfway up to give the handcuffs a little slack.

As Bill started searching for anything useful, Pearl's ranting filled the shack: "Those teeth are too good for you!"

"I think she's getting closer," Stan said. "Find anything?"

"Not yet." Bill pulled out a broken umbrella with a hooked handle. He clung to it like it was his only defense as he scanned the loft for any signs of a ladder.

Pearl went on, "They're the most beautiful, pristine, unblemished, perfect teeth I've ever seen in my life!"

Bill asked, "Are they really that great?" He'd never paid that close attention.

"Eh..." Stan shrugged and made a so-so gesture with one hand. "A little weird-looking, honestly. They've got those jagged bits in the front that make 'em look like kids' teeth?"

"Huh."

"They're pure," Pearl snarled. "I've never seen adult teeth so pure! And you're ruining them by drilling out chunks of perfect enamel for unnecessary fillings! You don't have the right to those teeth! I deserve them!"

"Hey Bill," Stan said. "So you knew my dentist works for the tooth fairy, right?"

Bill was dragging aside a large box to see if anything ladder-like was hiding behind it. "Yes."

"And you knew she goes crazy for nice teeth."

"Yes." No ladder; he moved to another stack of boxes.

"And it didn't occur to you that she'd be furious that you carved up your new teeth."

"It's in the past, Stanley! Focus on the present!"

"—and I don't even know how you got magic teeth," Pearl continued. "Fully adult teeth in a fully adult mouth, but somehow they're barely a month old! It's impossible! I could barely believe it myself until I saw your mouth with my own two eyes! I must have those teeth, as soon as possible, so I can preserve them exactly like this, who knows if I'll ever find such a novelty again—"

"Ahh, so that's it," Bill said. "Welp, nope, didn't see that one coming at all."

"She's been shouting a while without actually coming after us," Stan pointed out. "What's she up to?"

Bill paused. "Check." He lay down and stretched his cuffed arm down from the loft to give Stan enough slack to peer out the bedroom door.

Stan frowned. "Huh. Weird."

"She's upstairs?"

"Yeah. But she's just flying in a circle. With... I think a veggie container from the fridge?"

Bill sucked in a breath. "Do we have mushrooms?"

"Wh—yeah? How'd you..."

"What!" Bill half-climbed half-fell to the attic floor. "That little cheater's making a fairy ring! That's not fair!" He leaned out the door with Stan. "She's probably already made the matching ring downstairs. We have to destroy it before—"

The circle of chopped portobello mushrooms glowed white; and with a glittery puff, Dr. Illing appeared in the ring.  He coughed out a lungful of fairy dust.

Pearl pointed at Stan and Bill and screamed, "Get them!" With a murderous scowl and terrified eyes, Dr. Illing stared them down and revved his drill.

Stan yanked Bill back into the bedroom and slammed the door.

Dr. Illing whined. "Aw, f—again?!"

"Just break through it!" Pearl commanded. "It's just wood! You have power tools!"

"He can't do that," Bill said confidently. "Doors don't work like that."

Stan said, "He can do that." A power tool whine announced Dr. Illing beginning his assault on the door.

"Oh." Bill considered that, eyes scanning the bedroom from one side to the other, mouth set in a grim line. "I have an idea." He pointed toward the window with his umbrella. "Stan, open the window." He hooked the umbrella over his elbow as he ripped the bedsheets off Dipper's bed and started tying the corners together.

Stan shook his head in disbelief. "You don't really expect us to climb out that window on bedsheets, do you?"

Bill dragged Stan closer and murmured in his ear, just quiet enough that their assailants wouldn't hear him over the power drill, "No, I expect them to think we climbed out the window, while we hide in the closet in the alcove. Once they're past us to check the window, we can sneak out and run downstairs."

"I don't like hiding like cowards instead of fighting. Illing's rickety, we can take him."

Bill kept tying bedsheets. He picked up Dipper's zodiac blanket, flinched, and tossed it to the floor on the other side of Dipper's bed rather than add it to his chain. "Funny—you didn't seem to have any problem hiding for a week while I had your brother prisoner."

Stan grabbed Bill by the shirt, dragging him closer. "You wanna say that again?"

Bill's hands shot up next to his face in surrender. "Sorry, sorry, sorry—"

"There were people in this shack I wanted to keep safe," Stan growled. "I'm not half as fond of you."

"Got it," Bill squeaked. He pointed toward Mabel's bed. "But I can see a dozen futures that end with our brains splattered across Mabel's dolls. I do not want to fight power tools."

There was a crack as the drill flung the first few splinters of wood free from the door. Stan's scowl deepened, but he let go of Bill and nodded.

They tied the bedsheet rope to a table leg, opened the window, and flung the rope out the window; then retreated into the alcove at the other end of the room, pulled shut the ragged curtain that hid it, and closed themselves in the closet to wait for the tooth fairy and Dr. Illing to break in.

####

(Thanks for reading!! If y'all enjoyed, I'd love to hear what y'all think! Next week we conclude both with the tooth fairy and with whatever the heck is going on between Stan & Bill.)

#bill cipher #human bill cipher #grunkle stan #stanley pines #gravity falls #gravity falls fanart #gravity falls fic #fanart #my art #my writing #bill goldilocks cipher #(i traced 90% of Stan from the canon death punch because i wanted to make the parallel As Blatantly Obvious As Possible lmao)

[fluffykiddosstuff]

stanford and stanley pines fighting for you (headcanons)

i just played swooning over stans and...help i'm so obsessed with these two now..here is littles headcanons for them when they are both in love with you :-)

warnings : swearing (thank you stanley), gn!reader, using they/them pronouns, mention of child abuse

context : the kids are gone, the grunkles are on adventures, so to their surprise when they came back for a month, they saw you in the living room (stanley almost hit you with a stick if ford and soos didn't got him), soos explain to them that you got banished from your home and came to the shack late at night under the rain. Pitty hitting them since they know damn well what a lonely life is, they let you stay and life goes on..well not as they expected...

stanley pines :

at first he tries to deny what he feels, you are friends, right ?

if you laugh at his jokes, swear with him against things he dislikes (tv-shows, young people ect..), and that you help him annoy poeple by stealing and other things ? My man is head over heals

you can see he start to grow fond of you when he wants to protect you even more than before, especially since he knows what is gravity falls made of

when you where gone for shopping with soos, he decided it was time to annonce it to his dear twin brother

he would talk about it while watching a romance movie with ford (even tho he said he didn't wanted to watch)

"you know, i start to kinda like them..but like like them you see.."

the pills doesn't pass well when ford says he likes you too

stan is definitely the most childish one

"let's make a bet sixer ! the first to got a date with them wins !"

he likes to come in while ford tries to show you something or even tries to speak to you

he even broke down ford's clock so he would be late to your weekly monster's chase

he still as limits of course, ford is his twin brother after all, and it's only little jokes that doesn't harm anyone right ?

will definitly show off with his boxing skills or by putting a nice suit (for exemple the one in the gif) while you all go out together for a party or something, will try to do sport everyday but heh, he is a little bit too old to do those things daily..

gives you his jacket when you are outside with him, even if you aren't cold, when he sees ford's face when he smells his cologne on you while you both work on something, i'ts worth it

gives you flowers and little gifts, puts them on your bed for you to find when you come back

verbally says what he thinks about you, while ford can't even say two lines in a phrase when all he wanted to say is that your outfit was pretty

stanford pines :

he mainly start to realise he likes you when you helped him with his reasearches for a creature, he is amazed by how much you are interested in his work and doesn't hesitate to take you as an assistant and answer all of your questions

man did he regret telling stan's about his feelins for you, now his life is a living hell (sometimes he thinks about going back in the other dimension by how stan can be extremely annoying, really)

you only get free time with him when you are both in the forest to hunt monsters, you talk for hours about many toppics

smarter than stan, he tries to make you more open around him, asking you about personnal stuff and trying to comfort you when things gets too hard for you to tell, he even experienced to make hugs (bc my dude is awkard) and he purposelly hugs you in front of stan while you are crying about something related from your abusive parents, bonus point if you say : "oh ford..what would i do without you..", he would look at his twin, sticking out his tongue in a proud grin, revenge is a plate you eat cold they said

when you are all watching a show on the t-v and that it's his turn to choose the movie, even if he is dying to watch a documentary, he puts an horror movie and sits next to you, watching you take his hand as a loud noises his heard or hugs you if you are too scared

when you both work and you pass out on a table, he first puts his long jacket on you, and if it gets too late, he takes you in his arms to put you in your bed, all while him and stan are having a "who is gonna look the more angry at eachother" contest

when stan swears , he likes to take him back, especially if you don't like that either (or if it's not the right moment or the right place to do those) of course it doesn't stop him for saying : "for fuck's sake" or "fucking little nerd" while you laugh with ford

#gravity falls #stanford pines #gravity falls stanford #stanley pines #x reader #headcanon #stan pines #gender neutral reader #gn!reader #gn!mc #siblings #twins #stanley pines x reader #stanford pines x reader #stan pines x reader #gravity falls headcanons #fluff #angst #stanford x reader #stanley x reader

[g4l4xy-qu33n]

Stanford Pines SFW Alphabet

A/N: Pretty much what it says on the tin. These are all my personal opinions and headcanons of Ford, so please don’t come at me saying that somethings not entirely canon! No use of Y/N, and reader is written with female for the gender in mind, but no genitalia or body type is specified, so technically reader can be interpreted as anything.

warnings: pretty much just your basic sfw alphabet fluff, with a tiny bit of smut if you squint

(sorry if this wasn’t formatted correctly, I’m not that sure how to use tumblr properly yet-)

proofread by nobody (and I think the tense changes a bit)

enjoy this brainrot I guess-

<3

Mostly SFW Alphabet for Stanford Pines

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Ford is VERY affectionate. (More often when he’s tired since he mostly just expresses his feelings through physical touch, and not words.)

Ford shows affection through:

Hugs from behind with his hands wrapped around your waist. He would also kiss softly into your neck with a small smile on his face.

When laying in bed, (when he actually goes to bed), Ford would make sure you face him and then he would proceed to slowly kiss you until you both fell asleep, lips still touching.

Cuddles. This man loves cuddles. Give him cuddles.

If you fell asleep while he was working (on the couch in his office) he would get the most fluffy blanket he can find and tuck you in. He would also mutter a lot of really sappy stuff into your ear he would never admit to saying while he pet your head or caressed your side. This is why you pretend to fall asleep on his couch a lot.

He just randomly hugs/kisses you when he can during the day.

He also would tuck a stray bit of hair behind your ear when he notices it’s out.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Being Fords best friend (and SO) would have a lot involved in it. For example:

Having to listen to his rambling about random science stuff. (You love it tho)

Having to drag him away from his work (literally) when he pushes himself too far and forgets about basic human needs

Having to comfort and stand up for him when he gets bullied about his hands/fingers

Having to help him build his boat (the Stan’O’War)

Having to comfort him after Stanley left, telling him that his brother doesn’t hate him etc.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

As I said earlier, this man LOVES cuddles.

He loves any sort of cuddle position, but spooning will always be his favourite. He likes being the big spoon and smelling your hair (he loves the smell and would sometimes steal your shampoo just for the smell.) He would never admit this, but he also likes being the little spoon, because he feels protected and loved.

His other favourite cuddle position is when you are facing each other and he can kiss you, with one of his hands on the side of your head. 

He liked it when you two cuddled and you were lying on top of him with your head on his chest.

A cuddle position he REALLY wants to try is him lying on your chest. Also your lap. He wants to lie on your thighs and get head pats, he’s just too embarrassed to ask. If he were to ask he’d immediately flush pink, start stuttering and putting his hand on the back of his neck.

He’d also love it when you sat on his lap while he worked, but would get ‘annoyed’ (not really) after a while because he has work he needs to do. Eventually he’ll pick you up and carry you to bed (if you fell asleep or not, it doesn’t matter), but grab onto him when he puts you down on the bed and he’ll give in and cuddle until you both fell asleep. You would have to let go if he really has A LOT of work to do. (like build an interdimensional portal a demon told him to build)

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Ford wouldn’t exactly jump at the idea of settling down and having a family, but after a bit of persuasion he would MAYBE adopt a singular kid. Ford knows that he wouldn’t be the best parent, and that he’d probably accidentally ignore them.

Fords skill in cooking isn’t the best, and he usually relies on you to cook meals. If he had to cook, he would either make a frozen microwave meal or something simple like Mac and Cheese.

Cleaning however, Ford would always be the one to clean. If you even so much as pick up a cleaning supply, he would yank it out of your hand and do whatever you were going to do. The only cleaning he would let you do is the dusting. Ford has a dust allergy and will start sneezing uncontrollably. 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Even though Ford would hate to do it, if it was necessary it would have to be done.

Ford would probably bring you flowers or chocolate or a stuffed animal of your favourite animal as a goodbye present.

After telling you the bad news, he would most likely just burst into tears and try to get away from you, because it would hurt him too much.

If there was a way to get into a long distance relationship with Ford, he would literally jump at the chance.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Ford doesn’t trust people very easily (obviously, with Stanley and Bill)

He would take a while to propose and commit to marriage, again because of his trust issues

Once it happens however, there is zero going back (unless it absolutely HAS to happen)

Ford would do a small proposal, probably in front of the portal for a cool sciencey aesthetic.

He would probably bring you down there after a fancy candlelit dinner (most likely at greasys diner, which he funded to get it fixed up and made a little more romantic for your guys special night)

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Ford can look quite intimidating, with the weapon almost constantly strapped to him and all, but if you get to know him and grow close to him, he would become really soft and cuddly and overall tenderhearted.

Before you got to know him, Ford would be quite hard emotionally, and wouldn’t like physical contact, and he would also be quite tough and rude, maybe even a bit violent if you rile him up (like he is with most people he doesn’t know). Once you get to know him however, he becomes quite soft with his emotions and get flustered quite easily.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Ford is a sucker for hugs, you hug him and he pretty much melts into your arms (unless he’s quite busy).

Ford tries to hug you as often as possible, wether it be while you’re cooking and hugging from behind, or just a quick hug while he’s working, Ford takes every chance he can for a hug.

Fords hugs are amazing. Since he’s quite strong, (spending 30 years travelling through dimensions and fighting monsters does that to a person) and tall, he has an obsession with picking you up while you guys are hugging, and spinning you in a circle and most likely ending it with a kiss. 

When hugging, Ford likes to drag them on quite a long time, unless of course he’s busy.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

As said earlier, Ford has severe trust issues and anxiety, and will need to get his trust up to be able to say verbally that he loves you. 

The first time Ford said it was in college (Backupsmore), in your shared dorm after getting a little tipsy. You were lying in bed holding each other close and kissing each other wherever you could reach. You kissed him, and a sleepy Ford whispered “I love you.” Then immediately passed out. He acted like he forgot the next morning (he definitely remembers). This is a moment that you hold dear to your heart, and being able to hear those words again while Ford was in the portal was pretty much the only thing keeping you going. (Damn that got dark- also lil’ mini fanfic)

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Ford doesn’t get jealous easily, but he can if:

Somebody flirts with you. (If the persons drunk or not, Ford would come over and roast the shit outta whoever it is.)

But yeah, Ford doesn’t get jealous very often.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Fords kisses are amazing. They’re so good you could easily kiss him forever with no breaks

His kisses vary from really rough (with tongue and teeth) to just a soft peck on your cheek or forehead

Ford could spend at least a day just listing his favourite places to kiss you (everywhere) and why, but here are his personal favourites (in no particular order) :

Lips (obviously). He thinks your lips are super soft, no matter how little lip balm/chapstick you use

Forehead. He likes giving you forehead kisses because they’re quick and he’s tall, so your forehead is easily accessible for his lips

Hands. He loves hand kisses, because there’s so many places on your hands he can kiss. There’s the knuckles, palm, the back of your hand, the list goes on.

Stomach. This is rare, but when you two are cuddling (him on top of you), he loves lifting your shirt up just a bit to kiss your stomach area.

Ford likes receiving kisses just as much as he gives them, since they make him feel loved and cared for.

He loves to get kissed mostly on his face. Like lips, cheek, forehead, jawline and neck. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Let’s just say, Ford is indifferent about children. He loves them (especially if they’re his) sure, but he thinks kids are just so much work and get in the way of his concentration and scientific discoveries. Especially babies and toddlers. 

If you two were to have kids, he would still love them unconditionally, but he would most likely end up ignoring them, and leaving all the parenting for you to do. He doesn’t mean to hurt either of you if he does this, and it’s always partially or mostly an accident.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Mornings with Ford are usually rushed, since the both of you would have work to do you.

He still tries to cherish mornings though.

If he wakes up before you, then he likes to sit and watch you sleep (not in a creepy way).

He WILL NOT get out of bed until the both of you are awake, just because he likes spending as much time with you as possible.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Nights with Ford vary from stressful/chaotic to calm and relaxed.

Stressful nights are the nights that he’s working a lot, meaning that you’ll probably have to go to sleep hugging a pillow or go and physically drag him away from his work. The latter will be hard, the man’s heavy and determined to work.

Calm nights with Ford are the ones you both cherish the most, since they’re not very frequent, because he’s always busy.

On calm/relaxed nights, the two of you just cuddle and savour the time with each other.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

As said many times, Ford has horrible trust issues, and will not tell anyone anything personal about his life until he trusts them. Not even his last name.

If you are close to him and he trusts you, then he will start opening up about things slowly. Very slowly.

It took him months to prepare himself to tell you about Bill, and most of that time he worried about what you might say about him or think of him.

When Ford is hiding something, he becomes distant and only gives vague answers in response to questions.

It’s very obvious to you when Ford is hiding something because of this.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Fords patience levels are quite high actually, being a scientist and all.

He does easily snap though, if someones pushed him too far. 

It’s very rare he snaps at you, since he loves you and is aware of triggers and past trauma that you may have. He mostly just yells and snaps at his brother, because of too many reasons to list in a singular post.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Since Ford’s a busy man, so he doesn’t remember every single little thing you tell him, sadly.

He does however, remember the important things, like your birthday or your favourite of something (food, drink, song, place, etc.)

Since he can’t remember much, don’t question it if he writes in a little notebook while you talk to him about something.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Ford cannot choose a favourite moment in your relationship. There’s just too many! But if he had to pick, these would be his favourites:

He loves the time you told him about your feelings and he told you about his, and you shared your first kiss on the half finished Stan’O’War. (Stanley ruined the moment by going “ewwww” though.)

Ford actually holds one moment in his heart and thinks about it every day:

When, after 30 years of not seeing each other, you kissed him, and held him and cried happy tears onto his shoulder.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Although Ford is very scared of losing you, he doesn’t protect you all that much. The only things he really protects you from are Bill, and how dangerous Bill can be when in his mind.

He would protect you any way he can, at one point he even considered you getting a metal plate installed in your head just to protect you.

Ford doesn’t feel like he needs protection exactly, only support and love from family and friends. 

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

It really depends on the task if Ford actually puts effort into it.

When it comes to dates with Ford, it’s usually just a nice meal he’s had help with cooking, and then watching your favourite movie or show.

Your anniversary is usually the same sort of thing, but he really splurges with a gift. It’s usually your favourite flowers or chocolate or a plushie.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Ford has a few bad habits. Some of the more notable ones are:

Overworking himself. This one is the most common of all of his bad habits.

Not taking care of himself/ignoring his basic needs. Usually when Ford’s working, he will forget to eat, sleep, drink water, shower and even use the toilet. You will have to remind him to do these things, or else he will die. Man’s like a sim sometimes honestly.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

If you think this man would be concerned with how he looks on a daily basis, think again. (He literally uses fire to shave, what did you expect?)

If you two were to go on a date or something important however, he takes a little more time than usual to get ready.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

The easy answer to this is yes, Ford does feel incomplete without you around.

He would and has admitted this before when you asked him why he was so desperate for cuddles one night.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Now I know this isn’t exactly a headcanon for Ford specifically, but this extra space will be for what the Pines and others think about you and Fords relationship.

Stanley

Now Stanley’s opinion on his brothers romantic life isn’t really that bad. In actual fact, Stanley could care less about Ford’s love life. The only thing he dislikes about it is the fact that his nerdy six-fingered brother gets the girls, and not him, the ‘cooler’ one.

Dipper

Dipper doesn’t really care about you guys being together, as long as it doesn’t get too much in the way of science. He does like you though, because you guys can rock out to Icelandic Pop Sensation BABBA together, and there’s also one more person to play D&D& More D with.

Mabel

Now (as everyone knows), Mabel is a shipper. Mabel is obsessed with the fact that her great uncle Ford is in a relationship, because of many reasons. She has someone to go to relationship advice for, she has someone she can organise dates for and she has someone to just obsess over and ship. (She’s maybe too obsessed, sometimes.)

Soos and Wendy

I put these two together because they have very similar opinions on the relationship. The opinion is: they really don’t mind that you two are together. Of course, Soos is excited and happy for Ford and you, and Wendy just likes it because she gets ‘a cool new old person friend’, but neither don’t think it impacts them that much.

Fiddleford McGucket

Fiddleford is actually very happy for the two of you, and has been since college. He’s happy that you two have been together for so long (unlike him and his wife), and calls it true love. He was Ford’s best man at the wedding that happened after college. (It wasn’t Stanley because, well you know, the Highschool Science Project Incident.)

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Ford will accept you for whoever you are, wether you’re bubbly, bouncy and easily excited, or dark, quiet and withdrawn, (or literally anything else) he will love and respect you. There’s only one type of person he wouldn’t date, and that is a bully. Someone who makes fun of others just because they can. Someone like the Sibling Brothers (from the Lost Legends book), or Crampelter and his friends.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

No. Just no.

Man doesn’t sleep, like at all, and he’s a very light sleeper anyway.

If you were actually to get him to sleep, I think you deserve an award. 

Ford always only sleeps 4 hours maximum at a time, and constantly has nightmares that he wakes up from. 

He also struggles to actually get to sleep (or get back to sleep) in the first place.

#gravity falls #stanford pines #sfw alphabet #Stanford pines x you #ford pines #ford pines x reader #gravity falls x reader #ford pines x you #disney #grunkle stan #grunkle ford #gravity falls dipper #gravity falls mabel #gravity falls fanfiction #disney gravity falls

[sivyera]

Love languages with Gravity Falls characters

ft. dipper, mabel, wendy, stan, ford

⤷ Dipper

physical touch Dipper is very desperate for your touch. Your touch make him feel safe, warm and fuzzy inside. They are so many creatures (like Gideon ;)) who hate him and he is afraid they can do something bad to you just to hurt him. But when he have you in his arms, he is the happiest in the world.

⤷ Mabel

giving gifts Mabel is very, very creative. She loves the expression on your face when she give you something what she made. She loves how your eyes widen from joy and surprise when she give you her gift. It's always something new, she never give you same gift twice.

⤷ Wendy

words of affirmation Wendy is sometimes very stressed because of her family, job, her friends and Robbie. So sometimes she is just overwhelmed with everything and everyone. At these situations she wants to talk with you. About everything and nothing, it doesn't really matter. After a few minutes she would cry, so tell her how much you love her and that she is good enough.

⤷ Stan

acts of service Stan and you are partners in crime. You are stealing peoples money in Mystery Shack with him. He was very happy when you come with that idea. You had new plans how to take their money and Stan was just in awe.

⤷ Ford

quality time Ford is a busy guy. But he always makes sure he have at least some time for you. And that's mostly at night. Now when he have you, he is going in bed regularly. Sometimes he wants to say so much to you but when he look in your eyes he lost his words and everything he can do is admiring you.

#gravity falls #gravity falls x reader #gravity falls imagine #dipper pines #mabel pines #wendy corduroy #stan pines #ford pines #dipper pines x reader #mabel pines x reader #wendy corduroy x reader #stan pines x reader #ford pines x reader #dipper x reader #mabel x reader #wendy x reader #stan x reader #ford x reader #gravity falls dipper x reader #gravity falls mabel x reader #gravity falls wendy x reader #gravity falls stan x reader #gravity falls ford x reader

[smutinlove]

You were my light (Part 2)

Carl Grimes x Reader

Warnings: A bit angsty, tiny bit of fighting, arguing, carl being a jackass, panic attack, description of panic attack

☽ Author's note☾ Yay! Part 2 is here bitches! And surprisingly it didn't take ten years lmao. Omg. So like this is very depressing. Read at your own risk. Take a damn look at the warnings. ESPECIALLY THE ONES IN ITALICS. DO NOT STEAL, COPY, OR TRANSLATE MY WORK.

Thank you for reading! Reblogs, likes, and comments are very much appreciated!

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

≿━━༺❀༻━━≾

Summary - The daughter of the now dead Negan Smith is walking in the woods. She thought she was alone. But she wasn't.

❝ The jokes weren't funny, I took the money My friends from home don't know what to say I looked around in a blood-soaked gown And I saw something they can't take away ❞

≿━━༺❀༻━━≾

You hated that motherless son of a bitch. He was so annoying, smug, and just an asshole in general. Which made you want to kill Carl even more.

Every day, at six in the morning, he'd storm inside your prison and throw a plate of expired food at you, punch you in the face, and then lock you inside. Every. Fucking. Day.

Oh, and that was just the beginning, sometimes he'd feed you dog food.

You were sitting in the same chair, but this time there was a table in front of you. Cause, "Carl is so... nice." You heard the door unlock, expecting it to be Carl.

You said, "Come to feed me more dog food, Carl?" You laughed.

But you were surprisingly wrong. It was a man who looked a lot like Carl. And you most definitely knew this man. "Rick?" You questioned.

"He's been feeding you dog food?!" He asked furiously. You nodded.

He let out a breathy laugh. "I told him not to do that."

"So, you're Negan's daughter. I remember you. I remember that day."

'Negan's daughter.' God, it hurt so fucking bad. Everyone called you 'Negan's daughter.' Of course, sure, the Alexandrians probably didn't even know who you were, but it was the fact that most of your father's minions called you 'The boss' daughter' or 'Negan's daughter.'

"Yeah, I remember you too, Rick. I saw it. How scared you all were. And when my dad killed that Chinaman and that red-headed fool, I felt nothing. So, if that's what you wanna talk about, then done." You said bitterly.

Rick stared at you with a blank expression before moving closer to you. "He's Korean! And his name was Glenn, Glenn Rhee. And that red-headed fool's name was Abraham Ford! And YOU don't get to talk about them like that," he yelled.

He crossed his arms and leaned back against a dirty wall.

"We'll let you stay here. In Alexandria. Just listen to us. Answer what we want you to." You frowned. "Why should I? Huh?"

"You won't survive another minute out there. Carl saved you! We saved you," he shouted. "No! He kidnapped me. He didn't save me at all. And neither did you."

You sighed, "So stop. Just stop, Rick Grimes. You're not helping. I don't wanna stay in this garbage community. It's repulsing!"

"Tell me if you change your mind. Until then, we won't let you out. Not today, not tomorrow."

"How about the day after tomorrow?"

He chuckled but didn't speak any further. He left, locking the door after.

≿━━༺❀༻━━≾

You were getting bored of staring at the same grey walls. "Fuck!" You shouted.

You grabbed your chair and threw it at the wall, which did not make a difference as the chair instead broke.

You laughed and threw your head back. Of course, it had to break.

And now your back was against the cold floor, you brought your knees up to your chest. "Happy, happy, happy..." You whispered to yourself.

"Daddy loves you, Y/N."

"No, no. Stop..." You cried out.

Blood, sweat, tears, starve.

Jokes, money, friends, gone. Dead.

Around, soaked gown, cry, scream.

You're on your own, kid.

You always have been.

Face it. Face it. Tell them. Tell them you're—

"Stop! No. Stop, I can't—" You're heart was racing, and sweat dripped down your forehead, maybe you were dying, you were too young, your hands were trembling, "No, no—" You couldn't breathe, it only meant one thing.

"No! Stop, no. No! Stop it!" You screamed over and over.

"Daddy loves you, Y/N."

"No, you don't!" You yelled repeatedly.

You blinked rapidly, but you felt like giving in. Sleep, die. Sleep, die. Sleep, die.

You heard the door open, or maybe it was your imagination. Yeah, that's it. Right? Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing special.

You were a fucked up little girl.

≿━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

"She's waking up! Doc," You tried sitting up, but someone stopped you. "Hey, take it easy, sweetheart."

What even happened? I don't know...

What?

You looked around the room. You were in a rather uncomfortable bed. The walls were painted a disgusting shade of green.

"No," you groaned. Your eyes were met with another. A singular blue eye. Fuck, it's him. "Damnit, it's—"

"—Me. Surprised, Y/N?" He chuckled.

≿━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

So, you had a panic attack. It was not much of a surprise to you, but it was to Carl. "Wow, I knew you were fucked up in the head, but panic attacks too?"

You felt a bit ashamed. So much was done for you, and you didn't even deserve all this 'protection and care.' "Just cause you're a total mess doesn't mean I immediately care about you. I hate you." He confessed. You smiled.

"Why are you smiling?" He asked curiously.

You grabbed the glass vase. It was to your right. You jammed it in Carl's arm, making him scream in pain and fall back. "You fucking bitch!"

...

Part 3?

#carl #chandler riggs #carl grimes one shot #carl grimes smut #carl grimes x you #smut #carl grimes #the walking dead #twd #carl twd #carl grimes fanfiction #carl grimes x reader #carl grimes imagines #twd imagines #twd imagine #imagines #imagination #twd carl #chandler #riggs #grimes men #grimes #carl grimes angst #panic attack #mental illness #carl grimes x y/n #carl grimes x fem!reader #carl grimes x oc #carl grimes x reader smut #carl grimes fluff

[ferretwhomst]

gravity falls queer headcanons, just for funsies <3

i'm gonna put these under a readmore actually because Wow There Is A Lot More Shit Than I Expected. gaze upon my based ass gender and sexuality takes at yer own risk /j

Dipper i think the general consensus in the gf fandom is that he's transmasc. and as a trans guy i LOVE this hc!!!! but i Also love to see dipper portrayed as other trans identities. like... tgirl dipper is also a favorite of mine, she holds a very special place in my heart. nby or genderfluid dipper even!!! i could go on, but bottom line is he is whatever i want him to be at any given time <3 as for his sexuality? probably some flavor of acespec but he's personally unlabeled, previously questioning but i figure he eventually decided it's not worth his time trying to find a label that fits. he definitely likes people of all genders though

Mabel mabel is ABSOLUTELY the sorta person to aggressively hoard gender labels and pronouns like a crow collecting shiny things. crunch has ALL the gender and ALL the pronoun. in fact, sometimes it makes him kinda sad when someone who knows bee goes by all pronouns exclusively uses "she" for fluff (not that this happens often!!! a quick glare from the grunks and the offender is put in their place lol). she lovessss femininity and actively embraces it all the time but it's not ONLY a girl- xey id as an autigender xenocollector girlboy and also as pan and nebularomantic!!!! boom probably knits their flags into all cake's sweaters too >:D

Ford previously identified as a binary trans man, but after spending three decades in another dimension and interacting with different species with other perceptions of gender, they now id as transmasc nonbinary. he doesn't mind he/him or they/them but he also likes neopronouns! (better believe ford has neos in languages you've never even heard of!!!) especially space-themed or science-themed ones. him and mabel definitely get along over using neos btw. also rift is demiromantic, demisexual and gay :) he was overjoyed when they found out about the ace/aro spectrum- because for a long time they felt like the fact that they only seldom felt attraction meant something was wrong with sol.

Stan trans nonbinary man who isn't picky with labels. while him and ford are both transmasc and nonbinary, he has a VERY different experience with it than his brother- he's very much a man, except she also likes to be a woman sometimes just for fun. stan probably spent a lot of time in his youth trying to be hypermasculine so he could pass better and fit in but now he Doesn't Care and just has fun confusing people by being a grumpy old guy who's also a lady sometimes. prefers he/him but genuinely doesn't care if people use other pronouns for her. also my man is bisexual as FUCK, mostly equal attraction to all genders but plays up his love for women a lot becausee... growing up during the 60s will do that to you i think.

BONUS ROUNDDDDDDDDDDD

Soos unlabeled sexuality, genderfluid and/or nonbinary with left bro in the words of one wise anon on tumblr dot com. uses he/him but other pronouns are fine too

Wendy abrosexual transmasc tomboy with no desire to medically transition. likes to present as masculine but only sometimes. gets along with stan over gender fuckery! uses she/he

Pacifica transfem lesbian, mainly uses she/they until mabel introduces her to jewel neopronouns and ruby immediately steals them

Fiddleford greyromantic, bi and polyamorous binary trans man! like wendy, he's never cared much for the idea of medically transitioning. uses he/it but doesn't mind other pronouns

Bill aromantic, asexual and agender babey. uses any/all pronouns, though people usually default to he/him, which she doesn't really mind either!

#probably gonna use these from now on whenever i post abt these guys #ferret rambles #gravity falls #gf #gravity falls headcanons #gf headcanons #dipper pines #gf dipper #mabel pines #gf mabel #ford pines #stanford pines #grunkle ford #gf ford #stan pines #stanley pines #grunkle stan #gf stan #soos ramirez #gf soos #wendy corduroy #gf wendy #pacifica northwest #gf pacifica #fiddleford mcgucket #old man mcgucket #bill cipher #gf bill cipher #wow that is a lot of tags

[nothing-scout]

I forgot that thanksgiving exists so;

Goofy hcs of these fandoms doing stupid shit at thanksgiving:

TF2

Soldier definitely caused chaos during the day, multiple times.

SOLLY. STOP TRYING TO STEAL THE TURKEY! NO! IT CAN'T FLY-

Sniper definitely killed that turkey with the power of Australians (nsrs about the power of Australians please don't fight me-)

P y r o. Get. Away. From. The. Turkey. We don't need to fry it up more.

Heavy probably makes sure everyone has food bc I see him doing that.

MEDIC DON'T EXPERIMENT WITH THE TURKEY-

Engie please try to keep every banned from the kitchen mercs out of the said location.

The kitchen banned mercs in question: Pyro, Soldier, Demo, Medic (only sometimes). Do no ask me how Scout is not banned.

DO NOT LET THE RACCOON HORDE IN. SOLLY NO.

ROTTMNT

Donnie is so done with Leo.

Raph and Mikey are making the turkey of Splinter isn't feeling the urge to cook with Mikey.

Leo would probably try to make SO MANY THANKSGIVING PUNS-

Hueso would let them join his and his family's thanksgiving if the turtles' thanksgiving turns out to be a disaster (totally not bc he has a soft spot for them)

OMORI

Oh god idk what to do with this one. hHhHHHHHhhhHH-

Hector definitely stole a turkey leg at least once.

Aubrey spends her Thanksgiving with Kim and her fam (before the good heart change ofc but I'd like to think she still does)

Sunny chomps a turkey leg whole without fail each thanksgiving.

Basil and Polly would be yoinked to Kel's Fam's Thanksgiving dinners after the events of the game. (Possibly with Aubrey every once in a while)

The maverick makes everything better (postive sarcasm)

Henry/Hero definitely calls/video calls with his family on holidays and special days/events that he can't attend/go to.

Kel. Karaoke. He would probably do this or just dance.

Gravity Falls (I love this show so much lmao)

Waddles is not allowed in the kitchen.

Mabel is also not allowed in the kitchen.

Stan burnt water at least once. (Ofc Ford Studies it)

Soos is there bc soos.

The pines thanksgiving dinner is a usually weird one but it's them so what you expect?

Stan somehow remembered his Ma's turkey recipe by heart. Ford totally doesn't cry off scene.

#omori hc #nothing's rambles #tf2 headcanons #gravity falls headcanons #rottmnt headcanons #probs ooc

[blaaaaask]

This is madness

Hear me out, this was what my head canon was for new Willy Wonka:

Willy Wonka is played by Ben Affleck

Ever since he inherited the factory from the previous 'Willy Wonka' he has been on a downward spiral of hell. Trying to get a new 'Willy Wonka' to take his place is impossible in this modern era because children suck, and each year he attempts a 'golden ticket' tour to the factory in hopes that one day he can fucking retire by finding the perfect child to con into taking on the business.

Harrison Ford is Charlie's grandpa.

I don't remember Grandpa's name, so we're going with Grandpa Ford.

~Charlie has no other grandparents because they're all divorced or dead.

~Charlie (I don't know child actors so pick whatever you want) sometimes visits Grandpa Ford but not super often which spurs Grandpa Ford to want to plan a fun trip to bond with his grandson.

~Grandpa Ford thinks the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory is super cool and so he keeps buying candy bars until he gets the Golden Ticket.

~Scene where Ford is like 'Charlie, look, we get to go to the Chocolate Factory!' but Charlie is on his iPad screaming about Roblox. By the time Charlie hears him, he's like 'Grandpa, that's so unkewl, why the heck would I want to go to a factory? Can't you just give me money for Robucks?" (Is that what it's called? Lol)

~Charlie is forced to go

~WonkaFleck has everyone sign papers. There is at least 1 parent who is trying to read through it all, but their child is throwing a tantrum so they end up saying 'fuck it' and signing it.

~The whole group of odd people have their mini solo scenes including:

-Kid who is allergic to Blue Dye 4000 and like, totally eats something very artificially blue because their parent is too busy on dating apps to pay attention. This kid doesn't make it far. They balloon up so much kid would need like, 20 epipens or something. WonkaFleck like 'not my problem you signed the papers saying you would be responsible for your own actions here'

~Kid who literally touches everything. EVERYTHING. EVERY. THING. You? Touched. Food? Touched. Machine? Touched. WonkaFleck gets kind of rage-y and tells this kid 'NO. STOP.' But kid's mom is a tiger mom and she jumps in and rips into Wonka about "we do not use the word 'no' in our household" and "how dare he think he can parent her child?" They do not last.

~One kid who stands uncomfortably close to people and stares. STARING. And everytime you try to speak to them they don't talk back, they just stare harder. Unblinking. WonkaFleck does not think he can withstand that level of terror in his life, so when the lights flick off (which is actually quite common in this facility) he boots the child into a candy flattener and we all know where that's going.

~We discover that Grandpa Ford is incredibly useful in the tour because he is one of the few people who can read things in cursive.

~At least 5-10 of the kids go around with phones and ipads taking FaceTimes of all the trade secrets and business practices.

~Wonkafleck trying to stop them by putting a ban on electronics, but they don't listen or they steal back their phones/items and their parents are like 'lol kids will be kids, am I right?'

~Grandpa Ford is at least respectable and had forced Charlie NOT to bring any electronics on the trip. The child cries like, 99/100 times the other kids have their electronics out, though.

~Wonkafleck finally destroys all electronics in one of his many rooms of weird shit.

~Grandpa Ford is incredibly good at storytelling, conversing, and trying to help resolve the problems of the children even though their problems are incredibly petty. Wonkafleck is undeniably sad that Grandpa Ford is pushing 90s or he would have forced him to take over the factory.

~Oompa loompas are actually regular people just wearing bright orange haz vests because gotta practice safety, yo

~But also they realize the factory is like, 4 million degrees in some spots and WonkaFleck is like 'sorry, this is a big place, I can't afford air in here'

~Also one room a chocolate "water tower" breaks because of these bad safety protocols and takes out half the tourist group but WonkaFleck is like 'do I look like I give a damn?'

~Grandpa Ford and Charlie do get into a little trouble by taking some candy, but it's because Grandpa Ford wants to 'take a little piece with him' to remember the trip by. Charlie just like 'uh huh, okay grandpa.' Doesn't question it.

~By the end, everyone be dead but Charlie and Grandpa Ford. But Wonkafleck is like 'you guys stole shit.'

~Charlie, realizing he means the candy, takes it out of his pocket and gives it back to Wonkafleck and is like 'here you go, mister.'

~Wonkafleck, totally moved by the fact that this child did something respectable, decides this is it. This might be the child to take over the helm of the factory. He's like "Charlie, since you were honest I'm going to give you a wonderful deal. Take this factory from me. You can inherit everything."

~Grandpa Ford like "oh wow, factory" totes bamboozled

~Charlie like, "No thanks, mister, I don't want it."

~Wonkafleck, almost loses his shit, barely holding on by a thread, is like "what you mean you don't want this factory???"

~Charlie says "I don't really like candy. I like energy drinks. And Robucks."

~Everyone is like 'flmlenwgngegbagbwgeljage'

~Grandpa Ford says, "Charlie, you can buy those things with the money you make from the factory."

~Charlie gives grandpa a weird look. "Why would I want to work for money when I can just ask for it??"

~Wonkafleck woes his fucking life. He rages a bit, then motherfuckin' skips outta the scene and jumps into a hot air balloon to reach the highest peak of the city so he can scream for all eternity.

~The End

What I actually thought after I saw the real trailer for Willy Wonka:

Wow I am totally off, lol.

#Willy Wonka #Wonka Movie #Willy Wonka 2023 #storytime #Ben Affleck #Harrison Ford #charlie and the chocolate factory #Weird fan story #if I were a filmmaker #But like all the worst plot #Me making bad predictions without seeing anything #children being children #I should get off the internet more #sorry not sorry #so if you've seen the movie did I hit any points HAHA #I'll stop

[thisisnotthenerd]

fuck it bell’s hells leverage au

all of these people, endless collateral damage under the thumbs of the rich and powerful, come together in a found family story that features several heists and the opposition of powerful people. a group of not-totally moral people looking to help when they can. sound familiar?

they don’t all fit into easy categories. but this is where i see them going.

ashton: hitter. very much the eliot spencer, but in more of a punk rock way. less traditional masculinity and more dealing with the repercussions of being beat up on and abandoned for an entire lifetime. okay at stealing because it came from necessity, but more efficient at doing their ’extremely useful damage’, much to their internal displeasure. was working with the nobodies and got burned--cracking the shell after that takes a lot of time.

fearne: thief. very much like parker, but better at the flirting. her upbringing, much like parker, plays into her lack of moral code and attachment to the first person/people she opened up to. her general chaos makes doing heists a fun thing for her, but she starts running into responsibility as her loose cannon nature is matched by the rest of the team. known for a lot of arson and random unexplained animals in places that they should not be.

imogen: grifter. gets a shitton of information passively and communicates it throughout the team. their main liaison with other people e.g. clients, other groups. started out trying to find her mom by digging further into a research study and stumbled on something bigger than she had ever imagined. starts questioning whether what the RV is doing isn’t so bad, but gets her head on straight after realizing she’s compromised. starts using that inborn charisma to get people to not question her. maybe they do a job where she pretends to be a fake psychic but actually is reading minds?

laudna: hacker. came into it after being used to fake vex’s death. don’t question the details--it gets too complicated and she doesn’t like to talk about it. lots of little bots e.g. sashimi & pate. i imagine that she’s still creepy and does a lot of the intimidation work that chetney & ashton don’t get to. becomes a ghost in the machine. i think it would be quite interesting to consider delilah as a computer virus that laudna just carries around on her laptop all the time. maybe laudna’s in a coma for a bit and they notice something’s up with all the machines that she’s hooked up to.

fcg: grifter-assassin turned hacker. (haha the robot is the hacker very funny) only for technology though: hardison and breanna do a ton of other stuff that deserve other titles. it’s more coming into play with their recent activity with the warders. realistically they play the role of a grifter/assassin to begin with, and start to come into other specialties later on, like working with food and with hardware, much like hardison did.

chetney: thief/mastermind. he does a lot of group reconnaissance and the necessary sneaky stuff to get them into and through places and less stealing than fearne does. will randomly fuck with people to get into their heads, but sometimes it’s only for his amusement. smart enough to influence the strategy of the group (in battle at least). his old toy mafia sets them up for couple of takedowns and potential for a sterling-type character, as well as past partner interactions the way we saw with eliot.

orym: hitter/mastermind combo. general moral compass--he points them where they need to go next and keeps the group on track to do what they need to do. in this scenario, he’s not like nate ford in terms of seeking revenge, but more searching for answers outside of the system. he just also does 200 crunches every morning and will beat the shit out of people who attack/slow the team down. i imagine he would do the thing eliot did pretty often and go be a generic background person in order to get on location and do recon/remove obstacles. i can’t see him being antagonistic to keyleth and the ashari, so maybe it starts with him taking a sabbatical from his work with them and getting a loose mission to look into the activities of the ruby vanguard, and he runs into the rest of the group over the course of the investigation.

no one really plans the heists alone--they do big debriefs together that never result in the plans that actually get executed. lots of on the spot ideas and impulses--the orgy plan definitely becomes a contingency that is closer to the forefront than some people would like.

and of course, the members that aren’t with them any longer:

dorian: grifter, but in more of a distraction way than an intimidation way. multitalented, so he ends up doing face work the way sophie did. eventually has to return home to deal with his family crisis and reunites with the crown keepers, who are more sent in to cause chaos in the lives of many people.

bertrand: old gentleman thief, out of his prime. regales them all with tales of his youth and old exploits very often. gets them into shit just like nate did, but is murdered quietly in an alley after their first heist, which sets the tone and gets the group into investigation along with the general heist shenanigans.

dusk/yu: thief/grifter. rival to fearne, though she’s not aware at first. successfully manipulates the group into working with them until they find the calloways. working under the unseelie court, which is maybe an organized crime syndicate? who knows. they’re very good at body transformations by way of prosthetics, and do a good deal of infiltration.

#critical role #bell's hells #leverage #ashton greymoore #cr ashton #fearne calloway #cr fearne #imogen temult #cr imogen #laudna #cr laudna #fresh cut grass #cr fcg #chetney pock o'pea #cr chetney #orym of the air ashari #cr orym #dorian storm #cr dorian #bertrand bell #cr bertrand #yu suffiad #cr yu

[askthestans]

Dear Stanford Pines.

As Stanley has Stanleymobile as his own personal transportation, do you have any plans for vehicles of you own? Or, prefer using public transport? Rather come up with a completely different solution like portable portal?

Stanford: Well, my real Earth driving license - before Stanley started getting ones made in my name - expired over thirty years ago, and my licenses to operate hoverboards, starships, mass relays, and teleporters are useless for obvious reasons.

Normally, I'd be fine just walking everywhere to keep in peak shape, but sometimes the occasional trip outside of town is necessary. I'd ask Stanley to drive me around, but ever since the Ireland incident...

Stanley: Ford, that was almost a year ago! 'Sides, I was gonna rob 'em eventually anyway. Hittin' that stumpy drunken jerk with our car was just makin' my job easier. It's not my fault he looked like a traffic cone with all that carrot hair.

Stanford: We went to Ireland to study leprechauns, Stan. Not steal from and turn them into roadkill.

Stanley: Maybe you went for nerd studies, but I followed along for the whiskey. And the pretty green hills to stare at during hangover recovery.

Stanford: Really? Because I seem to remember that somebody had the chutzpah to not only steal the dead leprechaun’s wallet, but drop it in front of his family while I was trying to apologize to them for your first thievery attempt at their pot of gold, and because somebody dropped my pistol into the ocean while drunk the night before, we had to desecrate a historical castle by stealing old bricks from it to fight said leprechauns off with. 

And then, when we ran out of those, you tripped me so that they could maul me instead because, as you so eloquently put it, “Sorry, Sixer, but you’ll be thankin’ me later!” as you hurried towards the ship with the gold and not me.

Even better, we then spent the night in jail when the authorities realized who’d disturbed a castle wall, the cell of which just so happened to have a resident banshee who screeched for hours.

Stanley: Oh, Mebh! Minus the creepy wailing, that gal sure knew how to spin an entertainin' story! Too bad she didn't get to marry that medieval Lord McCrane or whatever his name was. But I liked her gumption. Best prison buddy I've ever had, and that's includin' Rico. Was the first time I realized maybe not all your supernatural creep buddies are so bad.

Stanford: She murdered that lord’s wife in cold blood, Stan.

Stanley: Yeah, reminds me of when I drove that hippy's van - y'know, the one who swiped Carla from me - into a ravine. She agreed that I was perfectly in the right for that. Asked me if I wanted her to find him and finish the job, even. I had a hard time sayin' no, but I did the right thing and said-

Stanford: You merely shrugged. Merely.

Stanley: Hey, if that jerk gets his soul sucked out, serves 'im right.

Stanford: Also, would you like to tell our internet friends what you sacrificed me to the leprechauns for? Why I got covered in bite marks, and why my sweater was ripped away in tatters and I had to run back to the ship shirtless with a leprechaun hanging off my rear with his teeth that left a rainbow imprint there for a week afterwards?

Stanley: It was for the gold, we already covered that.

Stanford: What did you spend the gold on, Stanley?

Stanley: *shrugs* I promised Mabel I’d get her some fancy yarn made of real wool. What’s wrong with that?

Stanford: Yes, two coins of the gold went towards that. The other hundreds of pieces went towards you buying rounds for a whole tavern the next night. You got drunk again. You puked. On my... trench coat.

Stanley: Pfft, you had tons more anyway-

Stanford: Nobody defiles my trench coat!

Stanley: Yeesh, I did you a favor, Ford. You’re lucky nobody barfed on it before that just lookin’ at it.

Stanford: *sighs* Anyways, I’m never trusting Stan behind a wheel ever again. I’ve been working on a mini-portal device based on some blueprints I sto- I mean, borrowed from my good friend Rick Sanchez. Once that’s up and running, I’ll have to test it. 

What do you say, Stan? Want to help your old brother out by testing a teleportation device? I’ll make sure it goes right to Ireland, to a very specific spot where a very angry family of leprechauns are still waiting, and have already gotten a taste for Pines gluteal meat.

Stanley: Oh, come on, you wouldn’t actually do that to me, would you? I apologized, like, a million times!

Stanford: Of course not, Stan. I am a man of science, and I understand that petty, precisely planned and enacted at the most inconvenient of times revenge is a silly human folly that one should strive to surpass.

Stanley: Oh. Well, good. Oddly, specific, but good.

--- ONE WEEK LATER ---

*Stan is walking down the Shack hallway towards the kitchen. Dipper, Mabel, and Ford are already there, Ford having made them breakfast.*

Stanley: Tell me you made some for me, too? 

Stanford: *turns around from the stove* I’m afraid not, Stan. You’ve got a big day ahead of you. You won’t have time to eat, remember?

Dipper: Is it shoplift-for-Summerween day already?

Mabel: Wait, I know! It’s National Grunkles Day, isn’t it!?

Stanford: No to both. Stanley, care to take a guess? It involves a certain show of yours.

Stanley: *face scrunches in fear* Wait, I thought The Duchess Approves’ reboot wasn’t ‘til next week?

Stanford: No, it’s today. Which is why I made sure to finish this last night.

*Ford pulls out a small device and, with a pistol-quick draw, causes a swirling teal portal to open up in the floor. Through it, rolling green hills and a group of red-haired, gnome-like creatures can be seen a little ways off.

Ford trips Stan as Stan looks to peer inside. Stan’s yelling can be heard as he falls in and hits ground.*

Stanford: Wait, Stanley! Look back up! Take my hand and I’ll get you out.

*Stan reaches up back to the portal, but just as he almost reaches Ford’s hand, Ford pulls it away.*

Stanford: My trench coat is beautiful.

*Stan screeches as a horde of leprechauns catch sight of him and take chase. Ford stands back up with a cat-like smile as he looks down upon sweet, sweet revenge, then takes his current trench coat by the collar and pops it out smugly.*

Hey, kids?

Dipper and Mabel: *look on in stunned silence*

Stanford: Now that I know this portal gun works and we have a few hours until Stan’s favorite show is done airing, care to help me find the Mothman? I have a particular dimension full of acid-vomiting, murderous bear-scorpions I’d like to send him to.

#stanford pines #stanley pines #sea grunks #well sea grunks sort of because Ireland hijinks #gravity falls #the moral of the story today kids is don't cross ford #or sass his trench coat fashion #because you'll end up mauled by supernatural creatures #askthestans

[jedidiahjunior]

Love languages?

-gifts for Alyssa, words of affirmation and acts of service for John but their changing over time

Do you ever yell at your children?

-“no you should never yell at your children” and then John goes on a tangent about how if God doesn’t yell at people then you shouldnt either and just my guy he drowned most of the earths population with a flood how is that not worse than yelling!!

Do the Bates sisters ever chat and laugh about all the rumors?

-yes

Do y’all need a lot of sleep or do you manage with little?

-They both do well on little sleep and boy that could never be me lmao

How different has it been raising a boy versus the girls?

-Everything is so different and he is so muscular and early with physical development and GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK THIS IS ALL IN YALLS HEAD HE IS A BABY SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR CRAZY GENDER ROLLS

Favorite holiday?

-Christmas (same) and their anniversary

Would you rather be hot or cold?

-John: cold

Alyssa: hot

If Alyssa didn’t have such bad sickness (nausea?) in her pregnancies, would you have more children?

-yes! But there are also more health concerns to consider (her heart?)

What’s the story about the pictures in the living room? (The Knoxville, Lake Tahoe and Orlando maps)

-Alyssa was born in Knoxville, John in Orlando and their honeymoon was in Lake Tahoe

Have you painted your house yet?

-No, John doesn’t want to hire someone to do it so it’ll happen when it happens

Why do you think people unnecessarily judge y’all?

-Because people can hide behind a screen people feel like they can be as mean as they want, John thinks it’s the great mystery

How are the grandparents doing?

-Not well, but they don’t want to speak on it for their privacy. Prayers welcome.

Do you get recognized by strangers?

-yes, really often recently

Schampoo?

-Alyssa uses redkin, John uses head and shoulders but steals alyssas sometimes

Dream SUV?

-Ford Expedition

How do you manage bedtimes and naps with 5 kids?

-consistency is key!

How are you coping with 5 children?

-It’s hard, but Rhett having rsv was the hardest part. Things are getting better now

Favorite holiday tradition?

-Big family Saturday breakfast, picking their Christmas tree, matching Christmas pyjamas

Are they going to keep doing abeka homeschooling?

-not sure? They’ve been struggling with abeka recently, the videos aren’t great and Alyssa are struggling with having kids with diffrent needs and at different stages in their education (which sounds like a homeschooling in general problem, not an abeka specific problem….)

Do you prefer online or real life shopping?

-Alyssa loves real life shopping (except groceries), John only likes online shopping

Would you consider a making a podcast/longer video series?

-def not a podcast, but maybe some longer videos talking about homeschooling, parenting etc

Do you ever just need a break from all the stress?

-YES

[lunearobservatory]

Yk what, I shall fancy you by asking about Idaho and Oregon. Tell me your head cannons about the two of them.

And I mean all of it.

Whether it's crazy, angsty, or something else, I. Don't. Care.

Give me passion for the specific things you love or give me nothing

Grabs you firmly by the shoulders. You have given me Power. STRAP IN FUCKERS!

I'll start with Oregon. Little warning now for weed nicotine alcohol and a small hunting mention i guess? Just in case <3

He's chill! He's cool, he's doing alright. In his own words "good, not great". He seems pretty tight with Washington, they're besties.

The West Coast really do scream "dysfunctional family dynamics" don't they?

(Aka, my three girlfriends West Coast boys, and yes, they smoke weed.)

Anyway, he's with Washington the most. That bit of them hanging out together alone while ignoring California's calls? Yeah, that's them all the time. Washington info dumps about tech and Oregon is a little book nerd who absorbs info (Powell's city of books) and it's a very good combo. They share local coffee shop and microbrew recs and go hiking they are!! Hiking bros!!! They are also couch locked high as fuck watching runbacks of 2004 Cartoon Network bros!!! That La Niña bond!!!

Definitely get very philosophical a lot in conversation, like Wash gets viscerally emotional over space stuff and cried over Spirit the rover being shut down (rip to the real ones i miss them all) and Oregon is like god yeah man human attachment to inanimate objects is so wild. They'll either talk about it for hours OR bounce between topics so stupidly fast they don't even remember why they're talking about what they are or how they got on the topic from where they started.

Sorry for talking abt them forever I just think they're best friends.

As I mentioned Oregon is a big book nerd, he likes nature, probably has a house plant problem (they are all named), he hikes, and HUNTS!

This mf bow hunts, drag this out of my cold hands. Gun too sure but BOW HUNT OREGON. Washington gets icked about blood and killing animals probably so Oregon goes alone. Or maybe with Alaska sometimes? I really love Alaska and the PNW getting along for some reason.

Or, he goes with Ida :)

Idaho is Built Ford Tough thats for fuckin sure, this man's a farmer. And he fishes. He unironically owns several dad joke fishing shirts and a women love me, fish fear me hat. I love him. He's pretty outgoing, he Wyoming and Montana are all fairly good pals, hunting buddies and football friends definitely. Sometimes Colorado is alright to hang with, mostly when Denver is a little quieter.

And in a similar fashion, he and Oregon will get into bitchy fights bc Oregon really is still centered around Portland. Married couple spats yk?

Honestly they're just like. Domestic? I guess? They'll go on weekend hunting trips, Idaho really likes to cook esp with game, Oregon likes to try and pair whatever they're eating with a beer if applicable. It's usually applicable, they're "it's past five pm so it's socially acceptable to have a beer now, right?" people. They definitely have a wicked sourdough starter. Oregon likes kombucha sometimes and Ida thinks it's a hell liquid. They go to fuckin Albertsons and bring back like eight things they didn't need.

I've got a hc I've mentioned somewhere before that the West Coast/PNW including Ida have horrific nicotine addictions, and that Ida goes straight for cigarettes or steals off Oregon, who vapes and has a Juul that they scratched their names into with a pin. They're like That couple.

Idk they're in a way like the country/city boy dynamic but also not? Like Oregon is a bit rough and tumble he isn't a pure city boy. And Ida is like not country per se, more game hunting fisher boy. But it's similar yk? A little bit

Their dates are CUTE, they got that weekend hunting trip, Idaho is land locked so Oregon takes him down the coast, or like to an obscure distillery for flight tasting. Otherwise they just do movie nights and nice dinners. Oregon has taken them hiking to a nice place to see stars and has re-info dumped information from Wash about the stars and stuff and Ida is like wow that's so neat, absolutely not looking at the stars he's looking at Oregon.

I could get into angst but maybe i save that for now since I'm talkin about them bein cute and happy and i want them to have that rn tbh

#oofda that's long aint it #i think about them too much #lune talks #wttt #wttsh #ben brainard #welcome to the statehouse #welcome to the table #when ppl ask me things #wttt idaho #wttt oregon #wttt california #wttt washington #i'd tag Montana Wyoming and Colorado too but they're so lightly mentioned #wttt shipping #wttt headcanons

[newtonsheffield]

Ok but when they move together, does Kate get the green Tom Ford Sweater as well?

Kate thinks Anthony’s wardrobe is her to take from as she chooses and Anthony thinks she’s too pretty to hear the word No. so of course she does.

But it’s kind of nice, Anthony thinks, seeing his clothes on her seeing her rifle through his wardrobe. He likes when they’re out and he drapes his jacket over Kate’s shoulders and she thanks him with a soft kiss. He likes the matching tattoos they had a long time before they were together, and he likes seeing his engagement ring on her hand. He likes everything about being close with Kate, and if the price to pay is that sometimes when he really likes a T-shirt or a sweater he buys two so that when Kate steals one he still has one to wear then he’s more than happy to pay it.

#my hand was the one you reached for au #kathony #anthony x kate #kate sharma #kate sheffield #anthony bridgerton #molly’s asks and answers

[wonderlandleighleigh]

How does Lenny’s first show go? I have to know! You can’t do this to us! I’m pretty sure there’s a law that forbids it, somewhere.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a very talented, very funny lady. You know her from the Gordon Ford show but I know her from the back of a police car, please welcome Midge Maisel!"

The audience is lively, and Lindsay Trent and the Hot Three play her out onto the stage as she waves to the crowd before sharing cheek kisses with Lenny and letting him lead her to her seat.

"Wow, look at all this!" Midge cries, gesturing around, smiling at the audience. "Good turnout for the first show."

"I know, I am a little shocked," Lenny admits.

Midge beams at him and then turns back to the crowd. "Don't listen to him, he doesn't have any idea how to gauge his own popularity. This man thought that two homeless people were going to show up to his Carnegie Hall gig and it was standing room only."

The audience laughs at that and Midge turns back and smiles at Lenny, distracting him enough to reach out and snatch the question cards from his desk.

"Hey!"

"Let's see...how do you like working for Gordon...it's good!" she says as the audience laughs. "It's a great job, and Gordon is a great boss, and the guests are usually pretty game to get goofy."

She flings the card into the air, and Lenny shakes his head, sitting back and watching her. "Why did I invite you on again?"

"Because you like my pretty face," Midge tells him, smirking at him. "And pretty faces getting ratings."

He snaps. "That's it."

"What's next...who are your comedy influences?" Midge reads. "Oh, now, Lenny. That's a little self-serving, don't you think?"

The audience laughs at that, too and Lenny shrugs sheepishly. "I am nothing if not utterly self-involved."

"A complete lie," Midge mutters, throwing that card too. "What's next...? Oh! What's next for your career? Well, Lenny, I'll tell you. I have a tour coming up in the summer. I'll be opening for Tony Bennett for six weeks between July and August, and then I'm back at the Gordon Ford show, and you can catch my act around town as always."

"Good to know," he says, before reaching under the desk and pulling out more cards.

"Hey! No fair!"

"Midge, this is my show."

"I didn't know you had extra cards. How did you know I'd steal the first set?"

"Are you kidding? How long have we known each other?"

"Fair."

The audience is cracking up at this as Lenny reads from the new set of cards.

"I wanted to talk about the kind of...relationship between comedy and motherhood," Lenny says, starting to get earnest about the questions. "Because before you got into all of this in the business they call show, you were a housewife and mother."

Midge nods. "I was. I still am a mother, obviously, I didn't trade in the kids for the clown shoes," she grins as the audience chuckles. "But the truth is that you absolutely have to have a good sense of humor if you're a mother. Yours kids are going to do and say all sorts of insane things, and sometimes there isn't much to do except make light of it, because as much as Dr. Spock would like you to believe otherwise, there isn't a manual for child rearing."

"One of your kids used to stare at you," Lenny recalls.

"Oh, yeah. I would wake up in the morning and there he was. Staring. No words. He didn't need anything. Just." She mimics Ethan's dead stare, and the audience laughs. "About a year later he kept trying to convince me that his sister had run away. Even when she was literally in my arms. 'Esther's gone!' 'Kid she just spit on me, believe me, she's not gone.'"

The audience laughs, and so does Lenny at that.

"And those are the moments - I mean, you're a dad."

"I am," Lenny confirms.

"A lot of people don't know that, but Lenny's a dad," Midge goes on. "There have to be some strange things your daughter has done."

"There was an incident with a crayon and a candle and her grandmother's favorite sweater," Lenny confirms, chuckling. "Clearly that Warhol exhibit I took her to that one time was a bad idea."

Midge laughs, shaking her head. "Parenting is a truly strange adventure, and if you can parent, you can laugh."

"And in your case tell jokes," Lenny adds.

"I do my best."

"Your best is very good," he assures her. "Most women don't like talking about their relationships in public. Sort of a...a lady never tells type of deal."

Midge shrugs. "That rule plays tug of war with my Judaism. Jewish women are, by and large, horrible gossips. So a lady never tells until it's just too juicy not to share."

Lenny lifts an eyebrow at her, without responding, and Midge gives him a wrinkled nose, as the audience laughs at their silent conversation.

"I mean, if you'd like to tell people, we can just tell people," Midge laughs. "I don't know how many people are watching but I'd bet money it's more than those two homeless people you thought were sitting in Carnegie Hall just to get warm."

"Best leave it for another time," Lenny smirks, covering his mouth with a hand. "Midge, thank you for being on my very first show, it's always a delight to see you."

"Thank you for having me, Lenny," she tells him. "You know, I actually brought you something for your first show."

"Don't tell me it's handcuffs," he says automatically.

"It is not," she assures him, before reaching behind her chair and lifting a black umbrella. "This is for you."

He laughs and shakes his head. "Oh, now that's just very sweet. For when the audience starts throwing tomatoes at my head."

"Exactly. And..." she pops it open, revealing, printed in white "LATE NIGHT WITH LENNY BRUCE."

He laughs harder as she hands it to him. He lifts it and looks to the audience. "Excuse us, folk." He shifts the umbrella to block their faces and leans in, kissing Midge softly as the audience laughs and applauds.

He lifts the umbrella again. "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor! Midge Maisel, everyone!"

#fic #au #tmmm #Midge/Lenny #Midge x Lenny

[mitchipedia]

We have seen ”Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny,” and I have thoughts

It was very enjoyable. I see fans ranking it as third of the five Indy movies. I’ll go with that.

They did a great job de-aging Harrison Ford for the opening sequence. Apparently this was a result of skilled direction as much a CGI; I noted they cut the camera away from Indy when he was about to do something too athletic, and then cut back to him when the athletic thing was complete. Often, action featuring Indy was shot from the rear.

This quick-cutting was also done in scenes where 1969-Indy is being athletic. For example, in the scene where Indy steals a police horse, we see him standing next to the horse, then we see him on the horse, but we don’t see him getting on the horse. Presumably octogenarian Harrison Ford understandably had a little trouble there.

Still, Ford is in fantastic shape for an 80-year-old. He’s in good shape for any age.

When we watched the second “Ant-Man” movie, where they de-aged Michael Douglas for flashback scenes, I noticed that Douglas looked young, but moved like an older man, a little stiff, like his joints bothered him. Ford doesn’t have that stiffness.

In another instance of casting an older man in an action movie: The 1996 “The Rock” starred Sean Connery, then 66 years old. I noted at the time that the camera cut away whenever the action called for Connery to run.

They had the right amount of pathos at the beginning. A friend who works in Hollywood said Hollywood writers eventually come to hate their characters, and start to torture them, which often makes long-running TV shows hard to watch. Similarly, at least one of the Tobe Maguire Spider-Man sequels was a downer, featuring depressed Peter Parker. “Dial of Destiny” could have gone that way, as we open the 1969 sequence with washed-up sad lonely Indiana Jones. But the movie spent just the right amount of time on that bit, before launching into the action, where Indy perks up.

They had the right amount of fanservice. Sometimes it seems like you need to take a college class to appreciate the Marvel movies, or Star Trek, or Doctor Who, what with all the references to events and characters from previous movies and TV. “Dial of Destiny” had just the right amount of that kind of thing. Hey, it’s John Rhys Davies, and there’s Indy’s fedora, bullwhip and leather jacket. Cool.

Harrison Ford does a great oh-shit face. I feel like this is a formula in every Indiana Jones movie. Indy does something swashbuckly and sneers at his enemies. He enjoys the triumph for a moment and then realizes he’s badly outnumbered and outgunned. Oh, shit.

I was surprised by character development and feelings at the end. Didn’t expect quite so much heart.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge almost stole the movie. And stealing an Indiana Jones movie from Harrison Ford is something. I could absolutely watch a series of Indiana Jones sequels featuring Waller-Bridge. There’d be a scene at the beginning of each movie where her character consults with Indiana Jones for a few minutes, but that would be the extent of Indy’s involvement in the movie.

I could also watch a series of movies featuring Archimedes as Bronze Age Indiana Jones. I don’t think the ancient Greeks or Romans had giant arrows that could be used to shoot down fighter planes. I don’t think they had much in the way of artillery at all, unless you count catapults as artillery. Did they even have catapults? Idk. But the Ancient Greece bits were fun.

The movie did a great job recreating 1969 New York. I grew up on Long Island, and spent time in New York in in the mid-late 1970s, and it was like that.

[jvstheworld]

The Buffy Re-watch: S2E7 (part 1)

Lie to me

Playground equipment moving in the wind, not unsettling at all. How many horrors feature this type of thing at the beginning of their films or TV shows?

Then Drusilla comes in, stalks and tries to kidnap a child to amp up the creepy. Well done.

Angel appears and he and Dru have history, which makes sense because if he knew Spike, he would know Dru. We find out later what their real connection is and whoa boy, it is a doozy.

The kicker here is that Buffy sees it all. Doesn't take a genius to work out that they know each other.

Hold on! Giles, wants Buffy to have the night off? Did he get replaced by an alien? Or did he finally listen to his slayer about having a healthy work/life balance?

Passing notes in class. Something I never did in school. I didn't do a lot of things in school. God, my time at school was shit. This is not a new realisation, just remembering.

An old friend of Buffy's appears, probably one of the few she has left from LA, Billy Fordham.

If you have never heard the Divinyls song 'I touch myself' take 3 guesses as to what it's about and the first 2 don't count. This song was also famously used in 'Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery' in the scene where he dance fights the fembots towards the end of the film.

Willow's realisation as to the meaning of the song steals the scene for me.

Angel, honey, sweetie, learn to tell your sort of girlfriend the truth. Things would go much easier if you did.

Ford knows Buffy is the slayer. Buffy keeping being the slayer a secret identity is on par with James Bond keeping secret that he is a spy. Both of them are shit at it.

Mysterious club with very heavy metal doors? Never a good sign. And oh look, vampire wannabes.

Ford taking meds and wanting to turn into a vampire. Hmm, me thinks something is up.

Angel appearing again, but at Willow's house because he rightfully thinks Ford is being sus, and Willow confirms this with the school having no record of him having transferred.

Giles understands that Ford is cute, and that Buffy thinks he is too.

Ford came prepared, he has that going for him, but is still sus.

So, the entire club is made up of delusional people who believe that vampires are fluffy bunnies, and that they are really just misunderstood. Not in this universe they aren't. Hell, Angel and Spike while ensouled can still turn into rage machines if the occasion calls for it. They don't even know that one of the most feared vampires in history is standing right in front of them, that would be terrifying to know. To which I now have to ask, is there much in the way of vampires being good? There's Hellsing where Alucard and Seras are good, Blade from the Marvel comics, Alucard from Castlevania (loved the Netflix series by the way and looking forward to the next one), Underworld has Selene. Are there any others? And not just one or two of them, but where vampires as a whole are the good guys?

Jenny took Giles to go see Monster Trucks... I need to see that.

That angry mob in Prague did a shite job of killing Dru, since she is still walking around.

Dru is referred to as a 'sometime paramour of Spike's' does that mean they have an on-again-off-again relationship or just a very long term one? Because either is sort of believable, especially with how Dru can be.

Genuine question: do I come across as sarcastic in these posts? Because when I read through my notes in my head I definitely sound sarcastic, same when typing. I'm just curious.

Anyway, part 2 will be tomorrow.

#buffy the vampire slayer #buffy summers #rupert giles #willow rosenberg #angel #btvs s2 #drusilla #buffy rewatch #tv show thoughts