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#he also said the reason he went for me was bc I was a *simple Hindu girl* he could *lock in with first sem of college*
bbibbirose · 28 days
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So I’m in a dilemma
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sanchos · 1 year
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just letting everyone know i absolutely SLAYED my first ever uni presentation🥲
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rrxnjun · 10 months
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where do broken hearts go? [lmk]
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you know what they say about past lovers that can remain just as friends - either they're still in love with each other, or they never were in the first place.
pairing: mark lee x fem! reader
genre: exes to lovers. angst, fluff.
wc: 12k (11.926)
warnings: mention of sex, weed and alcohol, heartbreak, swearing, park jihoon of treasure is one sassy bitch and also accidentally somehow the main character of this fanfic plz dont @ me, inconsistent writing style bc i took 3 months and 3 depressive episodes to finish this fic
playlist: where do broken hearts go - one direction / too good to say goodbye - bruno mars / everytime - ariana grande / closer - waterparks / tornado warnings - sabrina carpenter / survive the night - the boyz
a/n: hey do some of you still remember me..... AHAHA tell a friend to tell a friend rrxnjun is BACK! this fic isn't the ideal vision i had in my mind but we are working on not being so hard on ourselves with our writing so! here we are. i still kind of like it :,)
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When you walk up to your best friend’s apartment one day with a tub of ice cream under your arm and the biggest pout on your face, Park Jihoon makes a complete list of things you should do to get over your failed relationship with Mark Lee. And while you think your dear friend has some psychopathic tendencies sometimes, you’d say the list is actually pretty reasonable of him. 
There’s something about the five simple steps that makes you wonder if it’s really as easy as Jihoon makes it sound. And while you doubt it– because the pinging pain in your heart makes it seem like the heartbreak is truly going to kill you in a few minutes if you don’t do something about it– you give it a try, because come on… you’d do anything to not feel like this ever again.
Step one – cry it out.
“He was a cunt anyway,” Jihoon mutters as he steps into the living room with two spoons in his hands, throwing one of them to you– while almost managing to hit you in the middle of your forehead in the process, adding a concussion to the mix of problems you have going on right now– and you find yourself furrowing your brows at his hateful comment.
“Why’d you say that?”
“Well, as your best friend, I’m supposed to be on your side, no?” he says as he takes a seat on the sofa next to you, watching as you wrap one of the thick blankets you got for the male around your figure– you bought it mainly for yourself, because his apartment is cold as a freezer and you knew he wouldn’t buy one for you to use in the first place– and shrugs. “Besides, he broke your heart, and any male who does that is a cunt in my eyes.”
“I broke up with him,” you mourn, “so I broke my own heart,” you snicker, despair fully filling you up from the inside– fitting everywhere into your lungs and choking you up from how bad you truly feel. Now, this isn’t your first breakup– you’ve had your fair share of boyfriends in high school (in your baddie era, as Jihoon called it), but Choi Yeonjun from Maths class and Jung Woonyoung, the guy you dated for a total of 2 months over the summer break before he moved away, weren’t exactly boys you found yourself falling in love with. Sure, you liked them, you kissed them and went on dates with them– hell, you even hooked up with Yeonjun once before you realized the relationship truly wasn’t for you– but no one managed to cave into your heart just as much as Mark Lee, your first college boyfriend did.
“But you sure had a reason for it, come on!” Jihoon huffs, taking the tub of ice cream from your hands and opening it for you, since you’ve gotten quite weak from the lack of sleep and nutritions ever since the break up, hands clammy and not cooperating. “You don’t just break up with someone to break your own heart. He did that, that’s why you said goodbye to him,” he says before sitting the enormous tub of ice cream between your two bodies, nudging you to dig into the frozen delicacy.
“Yeah, but–”
“No buts, young lady. We are here to make you forget you ever even dated Mark Lee, so open up, eat the ice cream and focus your attention on Titanic so you can finally cry it out,” he says, and by the tone of his voice, you’d think he’s angry with you. Jihoon has this aura around him that makes you think he’s always at least a little annoyed at everything– but he told you to not mind it and that it’s just his sassy bitch attitude. 
He does have a point, though. You broke up with Mark because he broke your heart first– there was no other reason for it. If it was something minor, something small, you were sure you could work on it. You have, numerous of times before, brought up something and had a mature conversation about it– something you always so admired about Mark, being so cautious and understanding when navigating problems in the relationship– but when you bring up the same thing over and over, and it never gets fixed despite him telling you he’ll try harder next time, you think you’re allowed to feel a little heartbroken at his nonexistent efforts. And that’s exactly why you decided to quit the relationship– after a while, you felt like you were putting in more effort than he was, effectively making you feel like he’s not even that interested in dating you in the first place.
First, he just told you he was forgetful. He forgot he promised to pick you up from class one day– and you said that it’s okay, he is busy, after all– and it was the first time it happened, so you didn’t really mind that much, truly. Then, he forgot about the date you scheduled– but it was fine, because you didn’t have reservations anyway, you could change the day to any other day of the week, after all. He kept forgetting the stuff you told him in between the conversations you shared– and it was small things, you understand, but sometimes, you wondered if he was ever really listening to you at all. 
Forgetful soon turns not interested in your eyes, and when he doesn’t call you in the evening like he promised he would, when he doesn’t show up to the party you invited him to, because he forgot it was that day, you’re one step closer to calling it quits, because each and every one of these situations sends a sharp pain into your stomach. The last straw was just last week, though– and realistically, it was an important day, as much that you thought the day is somehow gonna fix everything, but the truth is somewhere completely else as Mark Lee forgets about your one year anniversary and never shows up at your doorstep for the dinner you prepared for the two of you like he promised he would. 
And it doesn’t click in him two days after either– you don’t even get a text. He got so forgetful over time that he forgot about you completely, and that’s when you took an uber to his place and broke up with him for good.
And even though the breakup was the most painful thing you’ve ever felt yourself go through, Jihoon is right– you’re not the one that broke your own heart. Mark Lee did that for you many times before, and this was just the breaking point.
“Fucking hell, you bought cookies and cream again?” Jihoon huffs when he takes another spoonful of the ice cream into his mouth, eyebrows furrowing at the sweet taste. Looking at him from the corner of your eye, you wipe your left cheek as you hum, immune to his nagging by now.
“You know I hate cookies and cream!”
“You know, Hoon, I bought this for myself. When you’re the one that’s heartbroken, we’ll share your favorite ice cream flavor instead,” you mumble, munching on the coldness on your tongue, sniffling a little when your eyes avert to the TV screen.
And after that, the teasing from your best friend’s side stops. Maybe it’s just because he hates to see you cry– and he rarely gets the chance, if you’re being honest, since you’re pretty good at handling your emotions– but you secretly know that it’s because when he looks back at the TV screen in front of the two of you, the sad part of the movie hasn’t even started yet and the tears are not the result of the movie, but of your own thoughts instead.
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Step two – give him back all of his stuff and the stuff he’s given you that reminds you of him. Demand that he does the same.
Now, step two was a thing most couples do when they break up. Realistically, it makes sense– you wouldn’t want stuff that’s not yours just laying around, and also, it’s just bound to remind you of the person you lost. Naturally, you’d want to return it.
“Why does he have to return my things as well?” you mutter under your breath as Jihoon helps you fold all Mark’s hoodies into a cardboard box, alongside with wrapping the little things your ex boyfriend made out of ceramic for you in tissue paper like you asked him to– even though he complained and said that it shouldn’t matter to you if they break, because you are the heartbroken one– but you held those little things too close to your heart to let them get damaged in the first place.
“Because that’s how it works,” Jihoon hums, watching as you throw another one of Mark’s shirts onto the top of his head, shielding his vision. “What, you don’t want your stuff back?”
“I mean…” you mumble, deeply considering of the fact that the thought of getting your stuff back didn’t even cross your mind until now, before you realize your favorite pair of socks is thrown somewhere in Mark’s drawers– the blue ones with peaches on them– and you suddenly have the revelation that while you don’t necessarily need the stuff back, you’d love to wear those socks again. “I guess…” you note as you walk over to Jihoon and take a glance into the full cardboard box, looking over the stuff and chewing on the inside of your cheek.
“It’s like witchcraft, y’know,” Jihoon points out, looking at you with fierce eyes mirroring the stupid idea that just flashed through his brain, “if you don’t exchange the things, a piece of you is still kept at his apartment and you won’t be able to move on.”
And again, Park Jihoon does have psychopathic tendencies, but he may be onto something here. So you listen to him as you nod along and close the cardboard box, ready to drive over to Mark Lee’s apartment and drop off the things you’ve collected from him for the past year. The box includes all of the clothes messily scattered across your drawers and your closet, the picture frame of you two together that you always had on your night stand, the ceramic bowls and a little tiger sculpture he made for you when he took a pottery class with his friend Renjun, and the lost guitar pics you found under your bed and at the very top of your bookshelf from when he used to bring his guitar along and play you songs on rainy afternoons. The only things of Mark’s that you kept were the love letter he gave you for your birthday and the USB with his cover of Justin Bieber’s Off my face on it that he shyly gifted to you on one of your dates; but you would never tell Jihoon that in fear of him getting rid of those most precious memories for you.
It’s good to let go, but you don’t think you’re wrong for wanting to keep something to remind you of the good times. The times you still felt loved by Mark.
“Off we go,” you say, standing up and bringing the box towards your front door, your best friend at your feet. He promised to drive you to Mark’s place– you think he’s worried about you meeting your ex-boyfriend face to face for the first time since the break up, but he said it’s because you’re too broke to Uber all the time, efficiently throwing all the considerate thoughts you were accrediting him out the window– and after a few minutes of the drive, you find yourself standing on the doorstep of Mark Lee's apartment.
Taking a deep breath in and out, almost chickening out with the flood of thoughts and excuses you could say to Jihoon when you come back to his car with the box still in your hands– sayings like “he wasn’t home” or “he didn’t want those back”, the latter stupider than the first– you decide to face your problems head-on and finally knock on the mahogany door, waiting for Mark to answer. And he does– of course he does, because he’s always home, and as his ex-girlfriend of one year, you're painfully aware of the fact– but when that happens, you feel your heart falling all the way down to your stomach, crushing you and suddenly making it hard for you to breathe. 
“Um… hi,” he greets you, voice a little groggy, as if he hasn’t spoken in a while– and when you meet his eyes, the deep chocolate orbs you always found yourself admiring and writing silent odes to in your head, you quickly glance away in fear of staring into them for too long and making decisions you wouldn’t like to make.
“Hi,” you awkwardly greet back, clearing your throat and moving a little in your place, shifting the weight from one foot to the other. You're surprised you're able to keep up with the conversation, thoughts running in your brain faster than you can comprehend them, heartbeat ringing in your ears from the unexpected anxiety. Maybe Jihoon was right and you should've taken a shot before coming here– at least you'd have more courage and social skills clearly needed for this kind of interaction. “I… brought you back your things,” you say, finally looking up at the male and chewing on your lips, letting out an awkward, tense laugh when he stares at you with an empty look, “figured you’d want them back,” you add, watching as the male opens his mouth and closes it in what seems to be shock before he presses his lips tightly together and nods at you.
“Uh, yeah,” he says, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly as he watches you clumsily hold up the cardboard box to him, ready to leave his stuff there with him and escape as fast as you can, not really minding how you'll get back to Jihoon's car– if jumping down the window of the entrance hall is the fastest option, you're ready to get to it. The truth is, everything is starting to get a little too hard to bear– his familiar scent filling your nose, the hoodie he wore to your first date enveloping his figure, his messy hair reminding you of the many times you brushed your fingers through it in attempts to smooth it down. It’s only been two weeks since you last saw him, but it was starting to feel as if you forgot about him already and were now relearning all the things you once fell in love with again, looking at him in the same light, yet noticing him and all the small details a little bit differently. “Thanks, I… I actually, uh… I have your stuff here too, so if you want it back I’ll– I can just–”
“Y-yeah,” you nod, almost a little too eagerly, “that would be… cool,” you say, trying hard to ignore the fact that he had your stuff packed too, intending to give it to you, and the crashing reality that comes with it, telling you he was prepared to do this before you were and how it’s making you feel kind of shitty.
Mark moves further into the apartment, the sound of him dropping the box to the floor filling your ears before he’s back at the door in no time, a similar cardboard box in his hands that he offers to you with a tense smile on his face. “Wanted to bring it around so I had an excuse to see you, but you, uh… beat me to it, I guess…” 
Looking at him as you take the box out of his hands, gaze as if to tell him not to say such words to you when you’re still so fragile to his effect, you only nod and mutter out a simple “Thanks,” before you turn on your heel and intend to take the stairs back down.
“I’ll… see you around, then?” Mark calls after you as you take the first step out– something about it making you feel like it’s the first step out of his life, in a way– and you only nod, because one, you truly don’t know how else to reply to this question, and two, you really, really don’t know if you’ll ever see him again, but you can't bring yourself to say it to his face. Somehow, it would feel like torture to admit it– and you're not prepared for that reality just yet.
Rushing outside and getting into Jihoon's car, you almost feel like you’re on the verge of breaking, and when the male asks you how it went as he’s reversing out of the parking lot, you only bid him a one-word reply before you look through the box on your way home, too impatient to stay back from the memories.
And Jihoon didn’t really think this one through, because the fact that you gave Mark back the things that reminded you of him meant that he did the same, and now all the things you brought along to Mark’s apartment were in the cardboard box, all stained with countless memories and feelings attached to each and every single thing. The artwork you made for him, the little heart-shaped keychain you gave him for his birthday, the plant you gave him that was now long dead and dried out– those were once your stuff, but all in this world with the intention of love being sent out through them to your now ex-lover, and the fact that they’re in your possession again instead of his is not making letting go of Mark any easier. 
And maybe Mark was right and he truly was forgetful, because as you rummage through the contains of the box, while you find out your favorite blue socks are nowhere to be seen, surely still buried somewhere in the drawers of his closet, obliterated out of his memory, there’s a gray hoodie sitting at the bottom and it’s surely not yours– it’s his and it was always your favorite, and you always used to wear it at his place when you got cold or when you just really wanted to smell his cologne, and you suddenly don't know if it's presence in the box slipped his mind or if he truly left it there on purpose. 
Couldn’t he forget about that too?
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Step three – block his number.
The third step comes into place after you accidentally slip out to Jihoon about the phone call you get on a Friday night– more like two hours into Saturday already– and now, most of all, you must admit that your best friend might be right about his advice.
Your phone starts ringing at 2:11 AM, and while you weren’t sleeping– you’ve been having some trouble with dozing off without being overbeared with thoughts lately– the name flashing on your screen shocks you for more reasons than one. 
Mark Lee calls you, three weeks after your breakup, in the middle of the night. You haven’t spoken since the time he gave you back your stuff, and even though you’ve done quite a bit of stalking on his social media, you have no news of him or his whereabouts. Naturally, a call from him in the middle of the night startles you and shakes you to the core. He has no reason to call you, so your brain does the math and concludes there must be an emergency– and god knows that even after being hurt by him, you could never ignore him and leave him hanging in a state of need.
So you pick up– with shaky hands and a raging heartbeat, expecting the worst. Listening to the other side of the line, you take a deep breath in and out, bracing yourself for the impact of the words you’re going to hear. The voice on the other side is laced with haziness and his tone is almost a little tired– worn out, even– when he finally greets you from wherever he is.
“Hi,” Mark says, and for a second, your heartbeat steadies itself and the world stops spinning– he sounds okay, and for a moment, you’re grateful to hear his voice.
Humming, as if to collect your thoughts, you clear your throat before you offer him an answer. “Hello,” you greet, “what’s- what’s up?”
“Just wanted to hear your voice,” he says, almost a little abruptly to your question. He doesn't overthink his answer and he doesn't give himself time to think if it's a good idea or not– he just blurts it out and now it's your problem to deal with, when it's there, out in the open. Your palms get sweaty and you start to lose feeling in your fingertips, making you take a few seconds to yourself to process the situation before you decide to finally answer to the strange sentence. 
“It’s late, Mark,” you mumble, and you involuntarily wonder if the sentence doesn’t have double meaning– it's too late for anyone to call at this hour, and at the same time, it’s been weeks since your ex boyfriend lost the privilege of listening to your voice when he can’t sleep in the middle of the night whenever he feels like it– and it’s now too late to do anything about it or make it any easier to deal with.
“Shit, sorry,” he chuckles to himself, and you suddenly recognise the laziness in his voice to be the effect of his and his best friend Hyuck’s Friday endeavors; the sweet coating of his voice being the effect of none other than the momentary bliss that comes with the relaxation of his body and mind when he's high. “Didn’t realize,” he concludes, making you shake your head at him in disbelief– not really mattering that he can’t see you in the act.
“‘s okay,” you mumble– and in your perfect reality, you hang up the phone now. In your perfect reality, you connect it to your charger and close your eyes, calling it a night. You fall asleep with no thoughts rummaging through your brain and wake up in the morning to a new sunny day, ready to take on the responsibilities of what’s to come, having productive days ended with smiles and a hot dinner you make for yourself just because you feel like it. In your perfect reality, you protect your own heart. This is not your perfect reality, though– and that’s why you stay on the line, listening to Mark ramble on the other side of the phone, intoxicated and slightly out of it. You wonder if he’ll remember calling you when he wakes up tomorrow. You wonder if he’ll regret it, or if he’ll just shrug his shoulders at the fact and go on with his day, not really paying you much thought when he’s sober.
“I was with Hyuck just now,” he says, and you hear the rustling of his sheets on the other side of the line, making you wonder if he’s washed up and ready for bed, “and– and I remembered how we all used to hang out together, y’know… you with us all– you always clicked with my friends and it was so cool and stuff… and I realized, right, they’re not as funny when you’re not around… but anyways… Jeno’s girlfriend asked about you, ‘cause she didn’t know…and telling her felt so silly, ‘cause they all kept looking at me and I knew they were pitying me, but it was my fault in the first place–”
“Mark–” 
“No, it’s true. And it’s cool, I don’t– I don’t blame you, or anything. I just… I dunno, I guess it got me wondering…”
The line goes silent on the other side, and you settle into your own bed, giving him time to continue. When he doesn’t say anything for a long time, you wonder if he’s fallen asleep.
“Mark?”
“Hm?”
“You still there?”
“Yeah. How was your day?” he asks, tone of voice casual as ever, as if he’s forgotten about all the words he’s told you up until now–  as if it’s not 2 AM and both of your hearts aren’t breaking at the sound of each other’s voice on the other side of the line.
“It… it was okay, I guess,” you say nonetheless, too hopeless to find a way to end the conversation before he does. 
“That’s good to hear,” he says, sighing, “that’s… awesome. You still taking those yoga classes on Mondays?” he asks, and you snicker to yourself– because what kind of question even is that? Who asks that on a late night call, when there are more important things you two need to talk about?
“Yeah,” you lie, still. You haven’t been since the breakup.
“That’s great. Wouldn’t want you to… y’know,” he laughs to himself, “be too sad over this… ‘t was for the better, after all.”
You hear yourself hum– the noise way more stable than your actual words ever could be– and you find yourself feeling silly in the conversation, lying to your ex boyfriend through your teeth; because at the end of the day, you don’t want him to worry about you– because it seems to be the case that he is. And it’s stupid, because he hurt you and you shouldn’t care, maybe you should’ve even show him that you’re heartbroken and that he is the reason behind your pain and the way your life is falling apart, bit by bit, but you don’t find it in you to be so cold and heartless. At the end of the day, you still care about Mark and there’s nothing you could do about it. Turns out that breaking up with him doesn’t magically make the feelings go away– and you knew that, but now you have proof.
“What were you saying before, by the way? You… trailed off at the end,” you say, reminding him of his previous words.
“Oh, that,” he snickers into the microphone again, a heavy sigh escaping his lips as he twists and turns in the sheets, “don’t worry about it. It was selfish of me.”
It was selfish of him to call in the first place. But you won’t tell him that.
“What was it?”
“It’s just… I was wondering if I lost you forever, y’know… if there was a chance we could ever…” he trails off again, but this time, you don’t bug him to complete it. You’re not stupid– you know the implication of his words. You’ve known him for a long time, after all– maybe you should’ve predicted this when you picked up the call.
“I mean…” you hum, “you didn’t lose me completely, if that’s– if that’s what’s keeping you up at night. We’re still friends, aren’t we?” you say, and in the corner of your brain, you can’t even believe the words yourself– but if it was selfish of him to call, you think it’s okay for you to selfishly fill both of you with empty promises, just for the sake of not breaking your heart even further.
“Yeah,” he mumbles, “that’s– …I’m glad.”
The line’s silent after that, and you wonder if you two have used up the list of words to say to each other this time, if there’s truly no other answer at the end of this conversation. When the situation gets too much for you to bear, the heaviness finally settling on your shoulders and your chest, you finally find the courage to sniffle out a quiet goodbye.
“Good night, Mark.”
“G’night,” he drags out, mind still cloudy. “Love you,” spills out from his tongue, like a bad habit.
He ends the call before you get to say it back. Maybe that’s for the better.
And the truth is, you should’ve really listened to Park Jihoon and blocked Mark’s number after this encounter. But you didn’t– you’re too weak for Mark’s sweet words, finding yourself still hanging on to his saccharine voice and the muffled ramble he has reserved for you only every time he gets high and loses all self-control before calling you on Friday nights selfishly demanding your attention, somehow falling for him like a teenager over and over again despite promising yourself you're gonna move on for real now.
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Step four – date someone new.
“So…” Jihoon starts one day, eyes glued to your skull like laser beams, the tone of his voice so incomprehensible you think he’s going to scold you for the actions of your previous days– even though you haven't told him about the midnight calls with Mark and so if he's not going through your phone, he has no way of knowing. Tense and nervous, still, knowing that the impact of his words could either heal you or cut you open like a knife– damn him for always being so brutally honest, no matter how soft his heart is for you– you smile at him with tight lips, crossing your arms on your chest in defense.
“So…?” 
A nervous laugh almost escapes your throat. If Jihoon wasn’t suspicious of you before, he surely is now– or he just finds you strange by the way he furrows his brows at you and scans you up and down, taking a second for himself before he sighs and seemingly decides to drop the weird way you’re acting right now, shaking his head and focusing on the task at hand.
“I was thinking… my friend asked about you,” he says, nonchalantly looking down onto his hands and taking the dirt out from behind his nails, as if it’s not a big deal and he doesn’t even care that much. “Choi Hyunsuk from Biology, you know him– shabby haircut, kinda short, failed the class so he has to retake it this year…?”
“I think you’re forgetting the fact that the two of us have completely different majors, Hoonie,” you sweetly smile at him with irony, making him roll his eyes with a sigh before he tries again.
“The guy who ripped his pants at Xiao Dejun’s party last year?”
“Oh, that one! You should’ve said that earlier, of course I remember Choi Hyunsuk from your Biology class,” you nod hurriedly, the gears finally clicking in your brain.
“As if I wasn’t talking about him for the last few minutes–”
“Okay, and what about him?” you cut him off, already tired of his annoying tangent.
“I said he asked about you.”
“I heard that already,” you nod, looking at him with expecting eyes. “And?”
Jihoon stares at you, unblinking, as if you fell on your head and he’s trying to comprehend if you’re still here with him or if you got a concussion and need to be transferred into a hospital. When the contact of his eyes on your skin gets a bit too uncomfortable– you swear his looks could actually kill someone, if he tried enough– you furrow your brows at him in confusion and shake your head in disbelief.
“Why are you staring at me like that, Park Jihoon?”
“Just tryna see if you’re really that stupid or if you’re just pretending,” he mutters under his nose before he sighs again– his favorite activity whenever you’re around, it seems– and speaks up again, tone of voice reminding you of a kindergartener teacher trying to explain why it gets dark in the evening to a bunch of 4 year olds. “You know, when people ask about you, they are usually interested in you, as in, my friend Hyunsuk didn’t ask because you’re nice, but because you’re hot, if you know what I'm getting onto.”
“Oh,” you get out, eyes wide in concern and a little shaken-up, “well, that’s… nice of him, I guess.”
Jihoon only hums at you before he looks around himself and brings out the bag of chips that he left open by his right side only a few seconds ago, not really speaking more about the topic. It’s either he’s waiting for you to get what he’s hinting at, or he’s just waiting for you to get even more confused and ask him about it in a few seconds again– either way, he’s not the one doing more talking right now, because conversations with you, the most oblivious person he’s ever seen, are never productive if he goes too fast.
Chewing on the chips, his eyes go wide when you finally open your mouth and talk more about the topic at hand– just like he predicted. “Why are you telling me this?”
Your best friend swallows before he places the bag of chips back to its original place and turns his whole body so he’s facing you, speaking up again. “I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, you’d like to hang out with him. Like a date, before you ask– because I know you’re gonna ask– and why? – because, again, I know you’re gonna ask– because I simply think you should try to date again to get your mind off the loser you broke up with two months ago,” he says, blunt and honest, answering all of your unsaid questions at once, and before you know it, he has you snickering and shaking your head in disapproval.
“Absolutely not,” you retort, waving your hands in the air to only further show your disagreement with the proposition, “that would just be a massive catastrophe.”
“Why? Hyunsuk’s nice.”
“I didn’t say he isn’t, it’s just…”
“Just?” he probes you, eyebrows raised and questioning.
“I… don’t know,” you nervously chew on the inside of your cheek, aimlessly shrugging. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea, Jihoon.”
“Because of Mark?” he asks, and the moment his name escapes your best friend’s mouth, the whole room goes strangely quiet– you feel your heartbeat in your throat, the tips of your fingers start tingling and you swear that if you concentrate hard enough, you could feel a bead of sweat drip down your forehead with the incoming stress and nerves only the mention of your ex boyfriend brings you.
“No, that’s not it–”
“Sure,” he nods, sighing to himself– and there it is again, the judging look you so despise.
“You can’t just expect me to date other people a few weeks after my break up, Jihoon,” you exclaim, “that– that wouldn’t even be fair to your friend. You know I wouldn’t be invested,” you explain, and your friend rolls his eyes in frustration, sighing to himself.
“Oh but I know that! And Hyunsuk does too,” he shakes his head at you, “just thought the company of someone else could take your mind off things.”
“I have you,” you try.
“Yeah, but all we do when we’re together is mope about Mark Lee,” Jihoon snickers, “and don’t get me wrong, I’m more than open to bitch about your ex boyfriend and as your best friend, I don’t mind, but the fact that you’d be hanging out with someone else could take your mind off him, because you wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about him with someone else, y’know?”
You shut your eyes closed, a heavy sigh heaving out of your body as you try hard to concentrate and not lose it, and with how Jihoon’s tone gets softer and he’s not as loud with his brutal, yet logical advice, he must feel you getting overwhelmed and accommodates to your needs. “Look, it’s gonna be fun. I promise. Hang out with someone new, feel wanted and hot and pretty again, get some male attention that’s not your ex boyfriend, and you’ll see how it makes you feel. If you hate it, you hate it and you can slap me, I don’t know... If you don’t, you can keep dating around with my friends, and I swear I’ll hook you up only with the nice ones,” he takes your hand into his and waves it around in comfort, making you open your eyes and look at him again.
Seeing the softness and encouragement in your best friend’s eyes, you sigh to yourself. All this time, he’s tried to help you– what if you finally follow his advice? Who knows, it might even help. 
Sighing, you squeeze his palm and hover over him to get the stranded bag of chips he’s guarding on the other side of the sofa. “Fine,” you mutter, “but let your friend know that he’s the one paying, okay?”
“Perfect. I'll text him your number, then.“
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And maybe Jihoon was right and after dolling yourself up and dressing up in your favorite dress just so you would feel as comfortable as possible, you don’t feel as bad when his friend Hyunsuk picks you up in his white Volvo and chats with you on the way to the restaurant. He makes good small talk and even gets a giggle out of you, the music in his car is low and you find yourself slowly easing into the situation. You don’t remember when the last time you went out with a guy that wasn’t Mark was, but it’s surprisingly nice. 
And Jihoon was right– you feel pretty. And when Hyunsuk opens the door for you after pulling up to the parking lot of the restaurant, you even feel wanted. You like the attention, just like any other girl would, and the smile you offer to your date seeps of tender shyness as you get out of the comfortable seat of his car. 
The illusion, though, is soon broken as you notice the restaurant he pulled up to. Your smile freezes, your palms get sweaty and you feel your heartbeat rummaging against your ribcage as soon as the idle atmosphere of the restaurant opens up before you. And realistically, you could turn on your heel and get back to the car, tell Hyunsuk that you want to go to another restaurant– but you don’t do it, against your biggest wishes, because you worry that the boy already made a reservation and you don’t want to ruin an evening that’s going well so far.
“Everything alright?” your date checks up on you, seemingly noticing the frown on your face, and when his worried eyes meet yours, it’s sealed– you’d feel too bad for pulling out of the date now. So you only do what you always do best– you put on your best relaxed smile and nod, catching up to him and ensuring him that you’re all okay and you didn’t just talk yourself out of an anxiety attack. 
Because you owe it to him and to Jihoon– both of them worked so hard to make you feel happy and help you to get over your ex boyfriend. It’s not Hyunsuk’s fault that he just managed to pick the restaurant your said ex boyfriend works at part-time. He had no way of knowing, and if you’re lucky enough, Mark wouldn’t be on today. He only works here part-time, it’s not like he’s here every day, and as far as you’re concerned, he only worked like two or three days a week when you dated. It would be a weird coincidence for him to be working the day you go there with your new date– you hope you’re not that unlucky.
Hyunsuk is a gentleman. Opening up doors for you, pulling out the chair for you, letting you talk and not interrupting you. He watches you with fond eyes and you almost try to feel bad for the fact that even if this ended well, the poor boy would just end up being a rebound. He deserves so much more, and you start to worry if this date was a good idea after all. Wasn’t it selfish of you to agree to this? 
“What do you want to get?” he asks as you open up the menu, and you squint at the prices, mentally taking a note to order the cheapest thing just in case he wants to pay for you at the end of the evening. 
“Spaghetti Bolognese,” you blurt out, despite it not being your favorite meal. Hyunsuk just stares at you with squinted eyes, but doesn’t disagree with you. After all, he has no way of knowing that you dislike the taste of the sauce in most restaurants– even though your conscience tells you that Mark knew that and always made sure to remind you about it before ordering for you, worried that you won’t get to eat much that evening– the only thing left to hope is that it tastes good in this particular place. 
“Okay, sure,” he nods and puts the menu down, smiling at you before engaging in a comfortable conversation with you. It feels like you’ve known Hyunsuk forever– his personality oddly reminding you of Jihoon’s caused mainly by the fact that the two have grown up together. Everything flows soundly, but you still find yourself anxiously picking at your cuticles as you cautiously look around the restaurant, fearing the fact that you could catch a glimpse of your ex boyfriend at any second.
And maybe you should be a psychic, because those bad feelings were not there for nothing– when you see a waiter walking out of the back and eyeing your table, ready to get your order, the boy is a few inches taller than your current date, raven hair messy, but still a little styled, dark circles under the man’s eyes, and there he is– your ex boyfriend. Mark Lee halts in his movements, wearing his work uniform, eyes wide, a hint of something that breaks you at least in two mirroring in his orbs before he turns on his heel and disappears in the back again. When he doesn’t come back and his co-worker joins you and Hyunsuk at your table with a warm smile, you stop waiting to see the glimpse of him you selfishly desired to catch despite fearing the interaction the whole evening.
You want to fall through the floor and disappear in the depths of this earth. For some reason, you feel mortified. What would he think? And why do you even care about his feelings? A million different thoughts run through your brain and you worry that you’re being too distant from your current date, but Hyunsuk’s warm eyes reassure you that he doesn’t mind. 
Piercing the food on your table with your eyes, you try to battle the noisy words running around your brain. 
It’s easy to say you’re over someone when you don’t see them. To have them in front of you, meet their gaze and acknowledge their existence and still be able to nod and say that you’ve moved on, is something completely different. 
Were you ever convinced that you were over Mark Lee in the first place, though?
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After all of this– the months of following Jihoon’s advice, although making a few mishaps along the way as you continue to pick up Mark’s calls on Friday nights, snoop around his socials and let your mind wander to places it shouldn’t, overthinking everything and making you wish the relationship never ended in the first place– it’s time for the last step of it all. The last, most crucial part of this whole moving on process– the most important one, if you may.
Step five – avoid him at all costs.
Sounds easy, right? After the four previous steps, you’d already cried plenty about the lost months with your ex-boyfriend. You’d already given him back all of his stuff, not tying yourself to him with any material memory. You’d already gone on a date with someone new, choosing to distract yourself instead of letting yourself feel the emotions. After all the previous steps, this one’s supposed to be the easiest one. The one you’re supposed to want to do, after all. The break-up wasn’t messy, but it was still painful– it’s only natural for you to not want to see Mark ever again, right?
Wrong.
Because you never listen to the advice you’re given. That just wouldn’t be you, would it?
And so when Mark Lee calls you one day and tells you that he has a free train ticket to the Bukhansan stop, explaining that he was supposed to go hike there with Donghyuck who canceled on him last minute because of an assignment due midnight, you don’t really hesitate much before you shoot him a short text saying that you’re down and get ready for the short hike. 
When you meet your ex boyfriend at the station, his figure slightly slouched up until the moment his eyes meet yours, you feel the quiet tension in the air. You’ve seen each other a few times before this meeting– on a party you went to with Jihoon, at the campus when you went to class one morning, your ex boyfriend walking you towards the Art building, hell, you’ve even met in the grocery store, all accidental and making your heart leap in your chest with tension. This time, though, you’re here completely intentionally, just to hang out with him, and something about the fact makes a dull pain shoot all through your intestines, a sensation so uncomfortable you try to hide with a tight-lipped smile. 
“Ready for the hike?” he asks, adjusting the bag on his back, playing with the straps with clammy fingers. You can’t help but notice how he looks just like a little boy, in his little world, shielded from everything. He seems to have taken a protective stance, and you hate how the air between you shifted from how you two used to be when you were dating. Mark seems scared. Nervous. On top of his feet. Maybe you shouldn’t have agreed to this at all.
You’re already here, though. Turning around and leaving wouldn’t really work right now, as you take a step towards the train that’s just arrived, humming to your ex boyfriend in agreement. Taking a seat on the place Mark’s pointed to you on the train ticket, you try to loosen up your muscles and get as comfortable as you can, clearing your mind as you gaze outside of the window.
“How have you been?” he asks, clearing his throat.
Pressing your lips into a tight line, you turn to him as you search for an answer. “Better,” you nod, voice quiet. “You?”
Mark hums, chewing the inside of his cheek. “Good, good,” he lies through his teeth, “I’ve seen you at the restaurant the other day,” he hints, and you battle the sigh that’s begging to cut out of your throat. You don’t know where he’s going with the sentence. It’s not a question– only a proposition, barely even that– and you could ignore it with a nod of your head, you could pay it no mind as you see the bitterness in his gaze and the slightly self-conscious averting of his stare. You don’t know where he’s going with the conversation, but frankly, you don’t know where you are going with your answer either, as you shrug to him in a casual manner and peep under your breath.
“Yeah,” you say, “that was just… Jihoon’s friend from uni, I suppose,” you complete, and the sentence hints at nothing– it doesn’t clear out the confusion, it doesn’t outright say anything that could make Mark believe that it was just a casual hang-out with a friend, but still, you see the boy visibly relax as he nods to you and offers you a tight-lipped smile.
“Oh,” he hums, looking out of the window, past the profile of your face. The change in topic is sudden and sharp, but also welcome as he falls into a casual conversation with you, and suddenly, you’re reminded by the Mark you once knew– the guy you’ve once called not socially awkward, but so social that it’s awkward– as he talks to you about his day and rambles on about the weather. “It’s good that it won’t rain today, I bet the view will be nice.”
Locking your gaze with him for a brief second, you lick your lips and point your eyes towards the ground. It’s good that it won’t rain today, as opposed to last time you two went to the Bukhansan trail. You wonder if he remembers.
Before you have a chance to mention it– and in all reality, you won’t, no matter how bold you could be feeling at the moment– the train comes to a stop at your station and you hop out of the carriage, ready for the hike.
It’s easy to forget how messed up things have gotten between the two of you when you walk alongside with your ex boyfriend, laughing at his silly jokes and gasping at everything he shows to you with a pointed finger, finding yourself admiring the sound of his giggle when he spots a squirrel pass your path somewhere near the top of the hill. The trail is almost empty at this hour, since the two of you have decided to go in the late afternoon, and you find your soul to finally be at peace after so many weeks, you finally feel relaxed in the nature, one with the wind and the gentle sound of birds chirping lullying your running thoughts to a rest. 
You realize that this is just what you needed all this time. You needed to get out and walk for some while, to tune out yourself and to accept the fact that you’re still here, for another day, and something about that is still a blessing. Watching the back of Mark’s head as he walks a step in front of you due to the narrowness of the trail in this area, you smile to yourself. It’s easy to forget just how much you were hurt by him when he heals your soul with such a simple gesture. It’s easy to forget you were hurt when he seemingly tries to put all the broken pieces back together, glue them to where they were in the first place, when things were easier and you both didn’t have so many things to worry about. 
You reach the top just as the sun starts setting over the horizon, and there are only a few people scattered across the peak, sitting on their own picnic blankets and gazing into the distance. The hues of the sky paint the world in a different color, the oranges, pinks and muted purples playing with your heartstrings as you come to a halt and crouch down and feel the presence of another soul mirror your actions only a meter away to your right, his gaze glued to your side. The view is beautiful, but the feeling of being watched isn’t ignorable anymore, and so you turn to your companion and raise your eyebrows at him, wondering if he has something to say.
You don’t know how you’ll be able to come back to your life after this and pretend you still don’t want to spend every passing second with the man on your right. You don’t know how you’re supposed to ignore the ever so growing love for him– even though after being so disappointed with the past, the feelings should be decreasing, not doing the opposite– and frankly, you don’t even want to think of going back to the way it’s been for the past few months. And so you don’t– you allow yourself to indulge the moment, to ignore the pain that’s about to come, just so you could hold another beautiful memory to your heart and enjoy the moment before it hurts you to think of it tomorrow morning. 
“It’s even more beautiful than the last time,” Mark hums, but his eyes never leave your figure– if you were still dating, you bet he’d come out with a cheesy line about how you’re prettier than the view, or something. “It didn’t rain this time around, thank god.”
Gazing at him, you shake your head in disbelief. Scoffing, you play with the grass between your fingers. “You remember that?”
“Yeah,” he hums, “I remember a lot of things.”
The sentence makes you bitterly chuckle. He knows why you’re reacting the way you are– and you have every right to. He claims to remember a lot of things, but the ones important to you, the ones you wanted him to remember, he failed to save into his memory. And that’s eventually what made you break up with him, at the end of it all.
At your reaction, he sighs and drags a hand across his face, seemingly realizing the weight of his own words and just how ridiculous he must have sounded to you right now. 
“I- That-” he stutters, shaking his head, “that sounded stupid right now, considering… everything… Didn’t it?”
“Kind of,” you nod, not wanting to meet his eyes. 
“I’m sorry,” he blurts out, voice suddenly raw and serious, so different to the tone he’s been using with you the whole afternoon, “I don’t- I can’t remember if I said that back then, when you- when you… broke up with me, but I really am sorry, Y/N. You didn’t deserve that, and I am in no way shape or form trying to make this about me, but I hate myself every day for the way things turned out and if I could go back to that day, I’d do so many things differently.”
The sky in front of you deepens in reds and you taste iron on your tongue, suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that you’ve managed to bite on your lip too hard in the midst of the conversation. Tearing out stems of grass with your clammy fingertips, you focus on the clouds running through the sky, calculating your next response.
“Okay,” you nod, not giving him much else. The answer perfectly encapsulates the way you feel on the inside right now– you don’t know if you’re ready to accept his apology, if you’re ready to let go of it and act like you weren’t hurt or that none of it ever happened, but you listened to him and you internalized his words. He is sorry. He knows he was in the wrong. And you were aware that he knew all of this before– hell, you’d even go as far as say he knew it the moment you knocked on his door that day and told him it was over– but hearing it from him surely moved something inside of you to a more comfortable place.
“I-” he starts, voice breaking making him clear his throat before he continues, “I don’t expect you to forgive me. And I know I shouldn’t have expected you to still be my friend after all of this, and that- I shouldn’t have even called you so many times and approached you at the store and stuff, but um-” he mumbles, shrugging to himself, “I guess I just couldn’t stay away from you. And again, I don’t expect you to forgive me, I don’t expect you to do anything, really. So… yeah…”
Snickering at his aimless monologue, you shake your head in disbelief. “Mark?”
“Yeah?” he stares at you, eyes a bottomless pool of emotion.
“Why did you invite me here today? What was the… point, I guess?” you ask, hugging your knees to your chest as the breeze makes goosebumps appear all over your body. 
Mark offers you a sad smile, head leaned to his right as he shrugs, and this time, his eyes don’t leave yours as he spills the truth into the air. “I guess I was just feeling selfish today,” he hums, and the sentence makes you cringe with the memory of his first call to you after your break up, “wanted to spend time with you.”
“Here, of all places?”
“Yeah,” he nods, “told you. I was feeling selfish.”
Snickering, you look away, staring at the sky again. The colors are starting to blend together into a deep, dark purple– the horizon darkening as the sun starts to say its final goodbyes to the day. You sigh to yourself, yet feel no bitterness or terror at his words. Somehow, you understand. Somehow, you get him a little too well. Somehow, you think you knew the moment he texted you today, and somehow, you think you felt it in your bones when you didn’t say no, although you could have. There’s calmness in your soul when you nod at the implication of his words, leaning back on your elbows and plopping your bottom to the ground, sitting at the dusty surface. 
“You said you didn’t expect anything out of me today, Mark.”
“And I don’t,” he says, voice soft. 
“And you brought me here to remind me of the last time we went?” you stare at him, a hint of a bitten-back smile playing with your lips. “Because you’re selfish?” 
He nods, not escaping your gaze. “To remind you of the last time we went. To show you that… I remember, I guess. And that I still care, just like the last time. If not more.”
“Mark, you can’t just say all of this and expect nothing out of me right now,” you mutter.
“Actually, I can. Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m just… laying it out in the open, and what you do with the information is completely, completely up to you,” he explains, and you find yourself chuckling at him, the atmosphere instantly lighter as you hear his voice in its usual casualness, talking to you as if he was just unpacking what went on in class today, and not the starting and the end of your one year relationship.
And he’s right. What you do with the information is completely up to you, and the next steps and the progress of your relationship with Mark Lee is also completely in your hands. You could turn away and never talk to him again, you could curse at him and tell him that it’s too late now and he missed his chance, but if that was the case, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. He wouldn’t be inviting you to this place, lying about his roommate canceling just to trick you into going, and you wouldn’t be blindly accepting the invitation, wanting to see where the afternoon brings you. 
“So you still care about me?” you hum, looking at him from under your eyelashes, noticing his slouched-over pose as he looks back at you over his shoulder.
“Always have,” he admits, “never stopped. Despite not really… acting like it in the past few months.”
“Why’d you stop acting like it, then?” you ask.
A sigh escapes his lips, his head turning forward before he leans back and sits cross-legged on the ground, more comfortably now. Shrugging, he answers the question. “I guess I just got too caught up with different things. And don’t get me wrong, you were always my priority, always, but I was all over the place with everything and my mind just couldn’t… there were too many things to keep up with and I couldn’t stay up to date with everything,” he says, “and I know it’s not an excuse, but it’s an explanation, and it doesn’t make it better or undo the pain I’ve caused you, but it’s… at least you know it was never because I’d care about you any less.”
His eyes bear into yours with such honesty you think the weight of the world will crash on you any minute, and suddenly, the whole situation seems so much clearer.
And you wouldn’t take it back, you wouldn’t undo the breakup or do anything differently, because at the end of the day, you think it was needed. Perhaps the time apart was what he needed as a wake up call and what you needed to shield yourself from hurting more. 
“Stop me from saying it if you… if you don’t want to hear it right now,” he hums, voice barely louder than a whisper. There seems to be a silent communication between the two of you, a connection of some sort that brings out the strange telepathy, but you just nod at him, a gentle smile playing with your lips as you understand exactly what he means, telling him that it’s okay and that you don’t mind– you welcome, you need to hear him say it again.
Licking his lips, he turns to you fully, facing you. There’s not a hint of nervousness in his body, having done this a lot of times before, and then it happens– the repeated confession, confirming what was there the whole time, never leaving even when the times were rough. 
“I love you,” he says.
And isn’t that all that’s needed? 
A year is a long time with someone. Somehow, you wouldn’t want the time to go to waste. At the end of the day, if love is still present, isn’t it worth trying? One more time?
“And you still don’t expect anything from me?” you ask, gazing at him softly. “You don’t expect me to say it back?”
“No,” he breathes out, shrugging. “I just needed to get it off my chest.”
“Because you’re selfish like that,” you nod, teasing him. 
“Because I’m selfish like that,” he agrees, breaking out into a slight grin.
Looking at the sky, now completely dipped in dark purple, you sigh to yourself at the turmoil of the conversation. You don’t say it back– although you feel it, you know it’s in there, playing with your heartstrings and clenching the muscle in the palm of its hand– you know love is there, deep inside, for the man that’s currently staring at you as if you hung the very stars appearing on the sky there yourself, stolen them from your own eyes and gluing them there selflessly, for everyone to see. You don’t tell him you love him back, you don’t tell him you forgive him or accept his apology. You don’t worry about what tomorrow will bring you, what your brain is going to tell you when you come down from the hill and get home, lay in your bed and overthink. You let the worries escape you, letting fondness and calm envelope you in a tight hug instead.
“Okay,” you nod, watching the boy next to you look at you with curious eyes. You take his hand into yours and place it on your thigh, playing with his fingers for a heartbeat before you meet his eyes again and smile. “I won’t say it back, but for all it’s worth, Mark… I’m glad you remembered.”
And that’s all he needs– there is love, there is fondness, and there is the silent confirmation that all you need right now is just a bit more time. 
Where do broken hearts go?
Somehow, you think they hold on to the place where it all started. Somehow, you think your heart never went anywhere– it stayed on this hill, waiting for you to pay it a visit and pick back up everything right from where you left it.
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“It doesn’t seem like a good idea to go here today, Y/N,” Mark laughed behind you as he looked up to the sky, the dark clouds shielding the sun that had been previously shining down on your hiking figures, casting an orange glow on the strands of your hair. 
“Well, there’s no turning back now,” you shrugged, turning to him and grinning as you tugged on his hand, grip strong as you dragged the boy up the trail, your sneakers fast against the dirty ground. “We have finals starting next week and it’s gonna be too cold to go after the exam season is over, so we gotta go now.”
“I kind of regret telling you that I’ve never been here before now,” Mark sighed, but followed you nonetheless, breathlessly following your excited stride. It was October, the leaves on the trees were welcoming the two of you in shining colors, and the wind kissing your skin turned a bit chilly in the evenings– courtesy of the warm hoodie Mark shyly lended you when you shivered for the first time, adoring the way you, his friend, looked in the light gray fabric. Something about you wearing his clothes made the boy a bit hopeless about the day. Maybe he’ll have enough courage to confess his feelings to you, he thought. Maybe, despite the first raindrops falling on the skin of his bare arms, this evening will have a happy ending for you and him. 
“Oh, please,” you squinted at him, continuing to run up the hill– thank god it wasn’t that steep, serving both of you as the perfect hiking difficulty, “even if you wouldn’t have, I’d drag you here anyway. It’s like, my favorite place to go in Seoul, haven’t I told you before?”
You have, Mark thought. But he was okay with hearing it again. 
You squealed when the raindrops got heavier and the rain started pouring faster on the two of you, and Mark found himself laughing at your running figure. He was right behind you, praying that you don’t slip on one of the rocks and break your leg on the hiking trail, but he encouraged you with sweet comments and a hand on the small of your back as he watched the tip of the hill appear right in front of his very eyes, your body coming to a satisfied halt when you reached your destination.
“Tada!” you grinned at him, twirling a little like a ballerina, showing him the place with outstretched arms. He tried hard to observe the place, but his eyes stayed glued to your excited figure, gaze bearing into yours as you looked at him, amidst a little flustered, with sparkly orbs and a bright smile on your face. Your hair was a mess, his gray hoodie enveloping your body was slowly growing darker in color from absorbing the rain, and your sneakers were getting a bit muddy from walking around the place. He wanted to remember this moment forever, he thought– this version of you, the smiley expression on your face, the carefree and excited nature of your step. 
“Isn’t it beautiful?” you exclaimed, jumping around and nearing the boy, but as you went to take his hand to drag him around the top of the hill once more, your feet slipped and you fell forward, a surprised squeak battling its way out of your throat.
Your whole life flashed in front of your very eyes in that moment, embarrassment spreading down your neck at the fact that you were about to fall face first onto the ground in front of your crush of a few months, before your body collided with a soft, yet firm mass engulfing you closer. A pair of strong arms steadied you against his chest, and when you looked up at your friend, you swear all words were taken out of your dictionary, the sight leaving you speechless.
“It is,” he gaped, eyes bearing into yours. Mark was agreeing with you, but something in the back of your head was telling you that he didn’t really admire this place as much as you did– his curious gaze was always plastered somewhere completely else. 
That place being your face, of course. And your eyes, your cheeks, the mess of your bangs, and occasionally– screw that, almost always– your lips. Much like in that moment, a few centimeters away from his face, so inviting he thought it would be a crime to contain the urge. 
And so he didn’t– he didn’t control his feelings and the ever-so growing yearning for you, as he silently leaned towards your face and captured his lips with yours in a firm, yet short kiss.
He looked at you with a nervous tint behind his gaze when he leaned away, the sight of your wide eyes staring at him making a slight flush grow on his cheeks. You looked so beautiful in that moment– flustered, surprised, with messy hair and lips still apart– and he was relieved to not find a hint of a displeased emotion in your expression. 
“Okay, so- well-” you stuttered, laughing to yourself, “this didn’t go as I planned, but I guess I’m happy as long as the final result is the same,” you hummed, standing on your tippy-toes and pressing your lips against him once more, this time letting yourself enjoy the moment fully, mouth moving against his in a careful, yet excited rhythm. He tasted like the strawberry candy you offered him on the bottom of the trail and smelled a bit like rain, the mixture always staying in the depths of your mind as his warmth enveloped you in comfort and a feeling of home.
“The final result being…?” he asked when you pulled apart once again, a dazed expression overtaking his sharp features.
“Us,” you shrugged, “like this,” you clarified.
Mark laughed at that, hugging you closer to his chest. You rested your head on his shoulder, listening to the sound of raindrops washing away the top layer of dirt off the rocks on the tip of the hill, hands sneaking around his waist and enjoying the way they wrapped around him so tightly and so comfortably. You in his hoodie, in your favorite place, standing in his arms. It was raining, but it didn’t matter.
“Mark?” 
“Hm?” 
“If we ever get lost, or something happens… bring me back here, okay?” you mumbled close to his ear, lips gently glazing the skin of his ear, making goosebumps appear all over your new lover. “I’m convinced that this place could fix everything.”
“Even us?” 
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not allowed to ever leave me now, what would there be to fix between us?” you smacked his shoulder, snickering to yourself.
“You never know,” he laughed, “what if I accidentally mess up somewhere along the way?” he asked, threading his fingers through your hair, smoothing down the wet mess.
“Okay then,” you hummed, “even us.”
Staring into your eyes, letting the moment play out by itself, Mark swore he’s never felt more at peace. He wondered if it was the effect of the place, the rain, or just your sheer presence.  “I’ll remember that,” he giggled before he let go of your body, petting your head as he took a hold of your hand, tugging you down from where you came from, “now let’s go home before we catch a cold.”
Nodding, following the man as you both carefully, yet fastly made it down the trail, you enjoyed the way his hand fit into yours and the way you knew that after this, you can’t ever come back to being friends with Mark Lee. He was all yours, completely, utterly yours, and you knew in the back of your head, that you were his– and nothing will ever change that.
You would always come back to the hill with him. It felt ridiculous to think about you two ever having to fix anything between the two of you back then, but even in that moment, you knew that for him, you’d keep trying. As long as he does– as long as he remembers.
Where do broken hearts go? You guess they always come right back to the place they come from– and they leave glued back together every single time.
You guess your heart never really left the hill.
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fumifooms · 1 year
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Analysis of Laios’ succubus and theories on what it means - deep dive on Laios’ desires in human connections
Laios’ succubus is a very odd incident. I have some particular interpretations of why it was Marcille, and why things went down the way they did.
We know that a succubus shows what one desires, stated in canon as “an alluring form”; yes often in a romantic or sexual sense, as seen with Chilchuck’s succubus being entirely set on looks and seduction, meanwhile Marcille’s does have a focus on chivalrous noble demeanor as well, showing romantic behavior and personality. BUT with Izutsumi we also see that the liaison doesn’t have to be romantic or sexual at all, either, in Izutsumi’s case it’s a familial bond she craves. So perhaps we can say that the succubus exploits a desire based on connection, in whichever form that takes. Marcille wants an emotional connection foremost(which is also reflected in how it’s a character she knows very well and not a stranger. Perhaps romantic.), Chilchuck wants pleasure(a simple pleasure not unlike alcohol, perhaps such a connection is free of the more risky or unpleasant parts of a relationship, he doesn’t have to worry or to think and can just let himself go. Sexual.), Izutsumi wants a mother figure that can offer her warmth and comfort with who she doesn’t have to be tough (Familial), and I believe Laios’ is platonic and centered on his desire to have people with who he belongs and can be himself with…
But Laios’ case is more complex, it has layers. The thing is, even if Laios wanted to have someone able to turn him into a monster—which it didn’t even have to be, could straight up have just been a monster with such powers—, it didn’t have to be someone he knew. You could say the succubus wanted to disarm Laios’ suspicions with someone he knew and that was nearby, but the succubus seem very direct in every other case, simply appearing with someone’s greatest appearance even though both Marcille and Chilchuck were fully on guard and the succubi knew it. "Believability" isn’t an important factor. No, his succubus being someone he knew was important. It being Marcille was important.
There’s a TLDR at the end of this if you want to cut it short. For everyone else, strap in everyone, if you don’t know me hi I’m Fumi and I made this 3k words long analysis and theorizing bc I am autistic much like the character in question and I think this is both fascinating and has a lot to say. In this I offer both platonic and romantic reasonings and I do go rather in depth in Laios’ psychology and relationships to dissect what ever could this damn cryptic event MEAN. Spoilers for the succubus chapters obviously and also the last few arcs of the series so… Spoilers for the series as a whole!
So attraction wise it’s kinda unsure where Laios stands. He does sort of logically list off aesthetically pleasing traits of the orc’s wives, but besides that… Not really, or he never voices it anyways. He and Marcille never share like “omg you’re pretty” moments or anything. Senshi gets more compliments than either of them through the series lmfao. Maybe Laios is asexual, maybe he simply doesn’t show outwardly his attraction much or even maybe isn’t self-aware about it, regardless… Laios HAS implied preference for Marcille’s looks in the past. With the orcs, he said that “tallmen like long ears”. Laios’ shapeshifter of Marcille has her hair down just like her succubus, which by Kui is explained to be because she had it down when she revived Falin and it really marked him, though it could also be interesting to see it as his mental image of her as her most authentic self, I’ve seen it theorized that it’s a preference too but I think that’s disproven. But of course the most damning evidence itself… The succubus scene. It could have been anyone else in the party, certainly Senshi shares Laios’ interest in monsters much more already. We shouldn’t discredit the way Laios was blushing madly once she revealed she was a monster, that made her more attractive to Laios for sure, but he still wouldn’t have reacted that way if it was just anyone. The contexts are very different, but we can compare it to how Laios reacted when Lycion turned into a wolf man in front of him for instance. Laios certainly doesn’t act that way with Izutsumi- and it’s confirmed like a page later that he does see Izutsumi as a monster already. AND!! Laios starts blushing madly BEFORE she says that she can turn him into a monster- and we can safely assume that the blush isn’t out of simple fluster but out of desire/infatuation since he clearly wants her to bite him in the next page and his blush does not relent at all.
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There’s something we could say about Laios’ liking of Marcille being born out of companionship rather than aesthetic attraction, on familiarity and intimacy. As members of the same party they’ve spent a lot of time together and we’ve seen that Laios trusts in her and relies on her for her skillset and avice. If Laios’ interest in her developped more naturally and gradually, valuing the familiar bond they have, I don’t see why he’d be acting all blushy and lovesick every time they interact or whatever, which is the explanation I have for Marcille genuinely being Laios’ most alluring form but him not freezing at the sight of it. That could also be a reason why he physically rejects succubus!Marcille instinctively, because something about her feels off or different (which is sorta the most direct interpretation of the scene, since Laios’ first thought is that it can’t be Marcille and must be a monster).
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 [Edited in: Oh my god. The picture above is the last page of the dullahan chapter, chapter 57, a chapter that centers around Laios and Marcille’s relationship through flashbacks as Laios is on the brink of death and sees his life flashing before his eyes (he remembers how they first met, etc, which is also interesting to note that on the brink of death he reminisces about her the most). The last page of that chapter, more or less the thesis of the chapter in which we see Laios opens up about the real reason he and Falin go dungeon diving to her after them having a rough meeting but she turns out to also have an interest in dungeons, has Laios go "she starts out frowning but she ends up smiling! Wether its’s about eating monsters or about me :)”. That chapter is the one right before th succubus chapters. Laios’ most alluring form wasn’t “just” Marcille, it’s a SMILING Marcille. Which is why the succubus had such a weird and off demeanor right away (which gets knocked off once it doesn’t work and becomes a more Marcille-like Marcille)! It was only focused on smiling because it was the angle it was working from.
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Oh my god it makes sense. It’s a direct narrative link, it’s as explicitly put with its story structure without Kui just stating it, besides, you know, the many times Laios says how precious her smile is to him. He’s like “I love her smile” and right next chapter the succubus is like “yes this is what he likes seeing most”. But… This also does mean that the focus might be less romantic, like Marcille’s significance doesn’t diminish, but then the alluring form might be less about her and more about the smile itself. About having a friend who looks at him like that, about someone who smiles after eating monster dishes or surpassing obstacles together… Or it can actually be so much more romantic. Like, maybe the smiling Marcille doesn’t work is because well, it’s not like Marcille, she wouldn’t just be smiling like that and behave like that (esp since his musing is about how her smiles are sort of “earned”, that she doesn’t smile right away but it’s sort of like a rewarding sight when she does). So then the most alluring form of Marcille doesn’t work because she doesn’t convincingly BEHAVE like her. His most alluring form isn’t a Marcille-lookalike, it’s her as a whole. More on the succubus shifting/switching in its approach later.]
Anyways.
Where was I. Ah yes, “It could have been anyone else in the party, certainly Senshi shares Laios’ interest in monsters much more already.” But then that’s the point isn’t it. I think Laios’ succubus being Marcille is because his wish isn’t so much focused on her, or on becoming a monster, but on not being alone. On being understood. On having others finally share his interest. On not only becoming a monster, but having someone to share that with. A trusted friend, a companion, or a lover, it matters little in my interpretation, the bedrock of it stays the same. And this is why it’d be someone he already knew instead of someone new, because it’d defeat the point, and it was maybe Marcille because she’s the most vocal about finding monsters disgusting: it’d have finally been a shift in her that she now liked monsters. And again this brings back to when he talks about her smile, when he says that she starts out unhappy with eating monsters, but ends up smiling by the end of it. Her smile itself represents that though first impression or reflexive dislike, someone can turn around and end up liking it anyways, it’s hope for his interests to be liked and perhaps for him to be lovable as well, that it’s possible to be accepted.
But I do think it would be a mistake to say that there’s absolutely no romantic interest, that it’s plainly platonic or another kind of interest misplaced and idealized in her. What we saw with the other succubus is that they 100% act in ways that the person desires, sure Izutsumi’s start attacking after a while, but that was after pushing them over the edge, and succubus Marcille wasn’t being agressive nor did she have a reason to be (even when she could have with Laios’ choking, she didn’t turn to violence, so she was 100% still in seduction mode). Ultimately the goal of the succubus is to make physical contact to be able to suck their essence, but the way they go about achieving that is tailored to the individual’s desire, Marcille’s kissed her hand and Izutsumi’s offered a hug.  The succubus can identify and embody complex desires, often subconscious ones, shown with Izutsumi’s. They go straight to it without complex subterfuge either. Chilchuck’s succubi were very direct because that’s what he wanted, Marcille’s was courtly because that’s what she wanted, Izutsumi’s offered motherly comfort and affection because that’s what she wanted, and Laios’ is Marcille attempting to kiss him. Let that sink in.
Laios why are you choking the supposed key to your heart?
Ok so the theory that Laios’ desire is to have a deeper companionship from an existing companion is pretty tame and surface level I’d say, but strap in… The way Laios reacted violently to Marcille trying to kiss him is VERY interesting. The first thing he thinks about is that she isn’t Marcille so she must be a succubus, then confusion at to why it’s her. He’s even afraid of what the others would think, feeling… Shame? With how he imagines Marcille would be horrified that he likes her that way. Fear of rejection?
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But no no, what interests me is the shift that the succubus makes. It seemed very confident at first, went straight in, but when overpowered shifted the direction it was going in- shifted from a desire for Marcille to a desire for a monster Marcille and whatever deeper desire that hides. But??? Succubi did not make mistakes as to what someone wanted thus far, possibly that has never ever happened before by human records. Could the succubus truly have miscalculated what Laios desires? It’d be hard to imagine that the succubus would misunderstand what type of companionship someone wished for or what approach to take, since it’s done complex cases before too, Izutsumi being very much in denial before it & at first. In Izutsumi’s case, even with her complex feelings over it and her two souls desiring different things, the succubus did not miss its mark, and ultimately it was having a second soul for who the succubus wasn’t alluring that allowed her not to be frozen to the spot. But with Laios the succubus fully switches strategy.
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The thing is that succubi don’t usually need to switch strategies, because the form and approach they take always work and always leave the victim frozen. Izutsumi bypassed this because of her two souls, but was still frozen and struggling to reject the succubus at first. And yet? Laios did. A succubus’ victim is supposed to be instantly frozen, and yet Laios acts on instinct and defensively agressive as soon as his reaction time allows. And well, it’s hard to really come to a logical conclusion as to why, since we have no idea of what rules can override a succubus’ temptation besides multiple souls… C’mon regular Marcille can’t be the winged lion/kenksuke’s desire bc of the loose hair being Laios’ mind-Marcille we’ve gone over this /hj Although, since it’s confirmed that the winged lion was watching with the dream Laios gets induced right after, maybe he’s what allowed Laios to be moving? It’s possible that it’d have frozen him otherwise, even if Laios with his full rationale wouldn’t have accepted the kiss faced with supernatural allure he might have gotten paralysis from being overwhelmed, similarly to how if Chilchuck had his full rationale he wouldn’t allow a woman like his succubus to kiss him (he’s always stayed faithful to his wife even after 4 years of separation, give the guy his earned credit). Getting somewhat offtopic, but something to say about how if that’s the case once again the theme of ‘irrational desire you crave vs what you truly want/need’ that is present throughout the manga would be reflected.
My best guess however on why Laios reacted so quickly and forcefully is: trauma. The more recent arcs with Laios suggest that Laios has deep-seated trauma over humans. He dislikes humans as a whole, that was like, pretty much stated, though perhaps exaggerated. As a kid he fantasized about monsters wiping out human towns. We know Laios has been ostracized for most of his life by others, in his village and in the military, and beyond social rejection it’s shown he got beaten in group too and it was implied that it happened regularly. But damn, disliking humans to the point of wanting to be a monster and murderous genocidal reclusive envies and all of that stuff? That is massive trauma, massive identity & belonging issues and hint at massive trust issues.
So then, the negative reaction could be because of Laios’ deep trauma with humans. Because of trauma getting activated, not due to a miscalculation on the succubus’ part but due to a contradicting dislike of the desire that makes the form inherently and straight out of the gate un-alluring, Laios’ repression being so strong that he’s able to affect his own desires in that way, or an instinctive defense response to the trigger (a human).   Even though Laios hides it well, once again recent arcs (and some other moments) make it clear that Laios still has some innate dislike of humans, which in canon is a term that all races like elves fit in. He has a bias against them, perhaps even an innate distrust of them. Who knows how aware he is of it, or how much control and will he has over it. What if Laios reacting agressively to it was his defense mode tied to this kicking in, a survival and security instinct, stopping any possibility of Laios wanting a romantic relationship with a human? Any chance of that human getting close and being hurt by it, either rejected or stabbed in the back? It’d then make sense if Laios is unaware and doesn’t understand his attraction to Marcille then, if it’s a sort of self-made blockage, denial. And that’d make full sense with how, when Marcille is suddenly a monster, then all of Laios’ reluctance is gone and he’s fully enthralled, all that it took was taking away that one blockage for Laios to be utterly charmed. It takes away the trigger element, humans, and replaces it for something safer. A desire for connections, but connections with people that are ‘safe’, people who also don’t fit in with society, who are part of his interest in monsters, who would accept and understand him. I think that Laios does desire human connections, specifically, but can’t allow himself to pursue them either from conscious or unconscious trauma, so though he does desire it he can’t accept that he does/can’t accept the relationship even if it’s handed to him on a silver platter.
Conclusion
The succubus’ shift could then be either that it switched from one wish, a wish for Marcille, to another, a wish for companionship in monster-liking, or that it stayed on the same fundamental wish, but had to improvise with the new information (that Laios is human-averse)(not bc it didn’t exist previously but bc it wasn’t manifested) to take out of the equation the thing that was holding Laios back (from giving in).
But well, the fact that the rest of the party is included does lean towards the former, but in any case that doesn’t erase all I’ve spoken about, all about how Marcille is 100% the focus of this whole thing. It could still be a bit of both. But it is interesting that he worries about the party’s reaction to seeing his succubus being Marcille, and when she shifts into monster Marcille he *still* worries about the others: “b-but what about the others?” He’s a mess, with his most alluring form seducing him, and he still has a shred of resistance in him to question how the others would react, and it’s only when she says that they’re already monsters too that he truly gives in. Is he really so afraid of ostracization? Of losing the people he cares about due to judgement? Then the mention of the others in the party can simply be something the succubus added on top to unlock another “blockage”, the same way she added Marcille being a monster on top of the basic premise of Marcille; Take out the immediate dismissal of humans first, and then the fear of loss and judgement from other friends so Laios can finally stop worrying and give in. That worry/framing I’d say makes the latter more credible, because it’s not the premise of the alluring form but an extra.
In the end, like the recent arcs kind of spell out, the thing central to Laios’ character is less so a love for monsters and moreso a dislike for humans, and this is what this puts on full display.
Laios’ most alluring form is Marcille, a human that doesn’t understand his interests and thus him, and regardless of everything else that Marcille is, that is so traumatic to him that all of his being immediately rejects it.
Thanks for coming to my ted talk! I’ve spent so much time thinking about this and wording and rewording this same train of thought, also it’s the end of my college semester and I’m going crazy
Tldr: My personal fav theory for Laios’ succubus is that Laios really values Marcille’s smile a ton like it’s often mentioned, and that’s what his most alluring form centers on. I’ve got a ton of different interpretation on the why it’d go for a kiss? Since it tailors its approach to the person’s desires, but obviously something goes wrong with Laios’, which is really interesting because even with Izutsumi who resists because she has 2 souls so one part of her can always remain unaffected, the succubus hit bullseye on her most alluring forms. But regardless of that, I think his desire for Marcille (either her or what she represents, wether as a platonic ideal or something else) isn’t wrong/untrue perse, but that Laios has such a complex with humans and intimacy and connecting with others that his defense mode kicks in and that’s when the succubus has to shift into a different, safer desire: one that doesn’t involve humans but that still shows connections and acceptance and belonging. Also Laios realizes that it isn’t Marcille when she goes in for the kiss, which if his allure for her is based on familiarity since they’re friends and all could make sense that it’d break him away from it, or since it’s a liking based on familiarity he doesn’t freeze, or maybe it’s because the winged lion has its eye on him. I think that’s so much more likely with how Kui makes even her jokes be character moments or at least consistent, and also with the tension of the scene, than just the scene being a gag about how Marcille doesn’t mean much to Laios actually.
I think there’s a lot to be said about why Marcille is special to Laios, why her smile means something to him, etc, and I don’t think saying Marcille is special to him is exaggeration or reaching at all. Laios, Marcille and Falin are the golden trio, she’s the deuteragonist, she’s the only other character in the main party whose goal in going back for Falin is Falin and who has a bond with her and Laios outside of being coworkers, in post-canon they live together, happily, in the anime’s ending they’re emphased on by dining out all three together... I could go on.   Marcille has the benefit of being very trusted by Laios, not only with the time they’ve spent together but how she was Falin’s friends first, the person he himself feels so protective of and has been so consistently ostracized throughout her life. Marcille represents a positive odd one out that’s like, the good example of "humanity can be good and safe and warm actually".  Which is a big reason why imo Marcille is like, the secondary protag and with Falin they form the golden trio. She’s central to the story in many ways including making Laios see that humanity is worth saving and sticking with, but that’s a topic for another analysis. One such reason is how his first meeting with her went: it started really badly but ended with her coming around and unexpectedly sharing their interest in dungeons, which made him and Falin open up about the real reason they go dungeon diving, perhaps for the first time. There is just so much that goes into it but Laios seems generally very expectant of rejection: in the climax chapters after he transformed back as a human and was hiding out in the woods, pre-canon in an extra where we see him battling himself on if he should suggest eating monsters or not. But another one, the one I truly want to bring up in this post, is how genuine Marcille is! And funnily enough, how dramatic she is, and how her elf ears change position depending on her emotions. Like, let me compare her affectionately to a dog for a second, but dogs move their ears and use whole body language to communicate, and I think that part of Marcille, really strong emoting, with her ears and body language on top of her often dramatic facial expressions, reassure him. Like ok, maybe he can’t tell when Shuro and Kabru would lie to him, but Marcille? She wears her heart on her sleeve and her feelings on her whole self. And that takes away some of the stress and trauma he has with humans, explains why her smiles would “put him at ease”, doesn’t it?
I don’t remember wether I’ve mentioned this somewhere or just in my reblog linked at the end of the post, but while at first I thought the succubus going for a kiss on the lips heavily implied a romantic desire in Laios,  now I have a couple different theories on why the succubus would have gone for that approach. I think the most likely is that, if the principal allure of his succubus is her smile, the succubus is like "as long as he sees her face right up until i can suck up his blood and he passes out I’ll be gucci", so it’s not about the kiss but about him seeing her face all the while until the very last moment, so he stays charmed.
Btw chapter 34 explores Laios’ relationship with touch too imo, and we see that he is uncomfortable with touch to some degree, very unsure and hesitant and tense. I feel like it’s something more shown in a bigger picture sense with his whole struggles with humans and extras, than just in any one page so go reread the beginning of that chapter if you want I’d say, but putting a page below as example anyways. I think it’s notable that it’s a character moment shared with Marcille too, she acts sort of like a bridge to humanity with social propriety and being extroverted in many cases. In the chapter Chil and Marcille point out how awkward he is with touch, but he learns to be casual/comfy enough about touch to do healing magic with her (something that was also enforced through him having to practice magic on Marcille turned to stone, he got a lot of touch exposure and magic practice done in those days. Dammit Laios, MArcille and touch is worthy of a whole analysis of its own). She’s just like, his human comfort zone, even if they aren’t that close at least at first, besides Falin he has literally like no friends and I think that itself shows how he doesn’t fit in well socially and that it’s a significant struggle for him. But yes what I was saying here is I believe there’s setup for him recoiling from touch like he did with the succubus (due to an instinctive aversion to touch made especially intense due to the succubus’ oddness and forwardness).
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I have even more theories and rambling on details on the succubus here in a reblog, but unless I want to put in some pictures of Laios repressing himself around others and such I don’t think I’ll be touching this post again in a while
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Every once in a while I think about Adrinette and am just overcome with love again.
It would have been SOOOOO easy to make it cliche and simple. Marinette is a shy little fashion designer. Adrien is a model for her fashion idol/favorite brand. It would have been so simple to say “he represents everything she wants in the world and her dream future so of course she daydreams about being In His World and having him as a beautiful model boyfriend.” And it still would have been so fun and cute!!!!
But INSTEAD!!!! Instead this show said.
Marinette took One look at this boy and went. “Good LORD not another pretty person. There was a time I had an open heart but now I am THIRTEEN and know how the world is. BEGONE. Begone you horrid little demon. I will not stand for your evil little games. I am a Mature Woman so i KNOW that you and your stupid little pretty-boy facade and your extravagant wealth are just tools that you use to get what you want and you don’t think your actions have consequences but GUESS WHAT. I’m a human being. Now SCRAM.”
And then he Did. And then later that day he came crawling back to her like “hi. hi hi hi. Sorry for bothering you I just??? Don’t know what I did wrong??? And like i’m not… you’re allowed to be mad it’s fine I probably messed up!!! I’m not making excuses!!! I just???? Can you please tell me so I can fix it??? Please I’ve never had friends before and you seem sooooo cool and I really really want you to like me and I’ll do literally anything,.. here take my umbrella it’s fine i’ll just get soggy… i just want you to be okay. Please like me”
and it worked so well she was like “Okay. Change of plans. I’m not gonna kill him I decided he might be redeemable” and then she went home and IMMEDIATELY started planning their wedding and just forgot the step of Telling Him She Didn’t Hate Him Anymore and also the step of Proposing and went straight to planning their fiftieth anniversary family reuinion party with all their grandkids.
And THEN!!!!! There’s this whole arc when they finally DO date???? Like????? She’s part of the reason he quits modelling. She’s like “the fashion world is HORRIBLE to you” and yet it doesn’t make her give up she’s like. “I could do better though.”
Like. Instead of giving us “marinette likes adrien because he gives her an Opening into her dream future” (which would STILL be so good and girl power and all of it) this show gives us “marinette likes adrien and he shows her the flaws in the fashion world and she gives him a way OUT. AND he gives her the motivation to go against every barrier and fix an entire industry so that The Horrors don’t happen again and so she can make the world as pretty and perfect as it is in her middle school daydreams.” She likes him bc he shows her that there is good even in the darkest places and that you CAN choose to be kind and that the world is fixable and that she has the power to make her dreams come true and that her dreams are important. and I’m just. I’m so feral about this show how does it keep DOING this
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trickstarbrave · 6 months
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I will give you a shiny quarter if you explain Morrowind to me like I’m five (pretty please)
its is quite difficult given i dont know how complex of topics 5 year olds can understand. but i can try to explain it in the most simple way possible because i explain it regularly to one of my roommates and wife who do not understand elder scrolls lore at all. be warned: this is still gonna be long and weird bc the story is long and weird.
(also excuse the swearing i wouldnt swear like this to a 5 year old)
a long long times ago, some 3000+ years before the game actually starts, there was a dude named nerevar. he made friends with some dwarves (dwemer) who lived underground and united the whole country of resdayn (later renamed to morrowind) to drive out the nords who had taken over. he also had a rly cool ring named moon-and-star, which was magic and let you be really persuasive, but he also enchanted it to kill anyone besides him wearing it so it couldnt be misused. this is relevant later
well he married the queen almalexia and made a big council of important people mostly made up of his buddies. he called it the first council and important people on it were his bestie voryn, his wife almalexia, and two younger friends sotha sil and vivec, along with the king of the dwemer dumac and dumac's mage kagrenac (the dwarves use weird magic with sound. if i go into details this will get very confusing).
for like 200 years because elves live for a long time, everything was pretty alright.
but it turns out the nords were there for a reason. they were looking for the heart of a dead god. the god's name for the sake of the story is lorkhan, but different places call him different things like shor or shezzar. the nords worshipped lorkhan and wanted to bring him back or something (probably, or at least just find it because hey thats their guy). but after 200 years of peace the dwemer found it underground in a volcano they lived in. and kagrenac had an Idea
the idea was to build a really cool really powerful giant robot mecha god (because the dwemer were really steampunk) to protect them. and it would be powered by the heart lorkhan.
voryn, nerevar's bestie, ended up finding out about this and told nerevar "hey the dwemer are up to something weird". and nerevar went "huh? they are?" and went to ask his goddess, azura, who knows a lot of things. azura said "yeah they are. stop them. what the fuck" and so nerevar went to his other bestie dumac.
and nerevar told dumac "hey why the fuck are you building a giant robot god?" and dumac's reply was "nerevar what the fuck are you talking about?" and nerevar, being mad his friend was Lying to him (maybe dumac didn't know. we dunno) because he already had multiple people confirm they were in fact doing that, he told dumac their friendship was over and kicked him off the first council and they went to war.
the details here get fuzzy. the nords showed up and joined in. the dwemer had steampunk robots everywhere. cat people showed up because why not. there were orcs there too. it was a big clusterfuck and there were different accounts of what happened. some people say voryn was fighting alongside the dwarves. some say he was fighting with the nords. some say he was fighting alongside nerevar. its hard to tell.
but most accounts have one thing kind of in common that a lot of the fandom agrees on: kagrenac grabbed their three cool tools to control the heart of a god, banged on it really hard, and then every single dwemer (except for one who was on holiday) vanished in an instant. and everyone was pretty confused by that, not really knowing what else to do. they now had a giant robot, the heart of a god, and 3 tools to wack the heart with to make weird shit happen.
so nerevar, unsure, said "hey voryn watch the tools for me." and left voryn with the tools and the heart. voryn said they should just destroy the tools, but nerevar wanted a few different opinions before just chucking them in lava or whatever. but while he was gone voryn started fucking around with the tools and the heart to see what would happen.
nerevar asked his buddies. almalexia, vivec, and sotha sil said they can use the tools to help resdayn/morrowind. nerevar didnt know if that was a good idea or not, so he asked azura. azura said "fuck no, dont ever do that". so nerevar made his friends pinkie promise him on azura's behalf not to use the tools on the heart.
and then again the accounts get weird here. some say nerevar died in battle against the dwarves/nords. some say voryn killed him. some say his friends (almalexia, vivec, and sotha sil) killed him. but regardless nerevar and voryn died. almalexia, sotha sil, and vivec had the tools. and they decided to use them on the heart and became gods.
this pissed azura off. they pinkie promised. what the fuck. so she made all the elves that lived there into dark elves. almalexia, sotha sil, and vivec became known as the tribunal and said "we dont need you anymore azura fuck off" and became living gods who could help their people and preform miracles! though they needed to take the tools up to red mountain and recharge their batteries on the heart regularly. azura tells them "nerevar will be back one day and beat all your asses" and made a whole prophecy about it called the nerevarine prophecy (reincarnations get the name+'ine' tacked on in the elder scrolls)
also the tribunal destroy voryn's house/family, the sixth great house of morrowind, house dagoth. just destroy it all. kill a bunch of ppl and the others kinda go somewhere else if they lived. because they sided with voryn or whatever and were deemed traitors
a bunch of other shit happens. septim empire rises to the throne. vivec trades the not working robot to tiber septim who makes it work with a bootleg wish version of the heart of a god and takes over. more time passes. its now the third era and its been 3500 years.
the protagonist is a prisoner who is released from their sentence in morrowind because the current emperor wants to use the prophecy to keep a better hold on morrowind politically. the protagonist was chosen because part of the prophecy is being born under a specific astrology sign and not knowing who your parents are. which could be anyone but y'know.
so the protag/nerevarine has to do a bunch of shit and finds out through weird dreams, oh hey, voryn's back. he's calling himself a god and dagoth ur now. asking nerevar to call him back, go grab the tools, and come meet him at red mountain. also maybe get married to or hook up with him or something. nerevarine thinks that's weird and ends up finding out dagoth ur has also unleashed a plague onto morrowind which turns you into scary eldritch monsters. and then one of dagoth ur's minions infects you with it.
nerevarine finds a cure which makes you not go insane and not turn into a big scary monster. but leaves all the cool shit of "you cant catch any other disease" and "you will never age". the never aging and getting diseases thing was also part of the prophecy. cool.
then the nerevarine needs to go to the nomadic ashlanders who live up north where theres a bunch of ash (hence the name) and worship azura (and the two other og gods) and ask all four tribes to name them nerevarine. they all think youre stupid because an outlander (someone not born and raised in morrowind) cant be the nerevarine. but you find an original copy of the prophecy and go "nuh-uh, i can be" and also go find the moon-and-star ring only nerevar can wear. then they go "well shit" and have you go a bunch of quests and then decide you're cool enough to be nerevarine.
then the nerevarine goes and convinces the three great houses you can talk to (the other two are on the mainland) to name you hortator, which is a war lord/classic roman definition of dictator, and it was the title nerevar had. you do some stuff, kill some guys, boom--named hortator.
then vivec hears about this and calls you in and says "well i guess you are the one doing the prophecy huh. look i need you to kill dagoth ur he's dangerous. here's our plan, are you in? i can give you one of the tools of kagrenac, you need to get the other two from dagoth ur's goons, and then kill dagoth ur's weird brothers he has put his power into. then bang on the heart with the tools and cut him off". vivec then teaches the nerevarine how to use the tools.
you can also just like. kill vivec and take the tool. you wont know how to use it tho and if you use it wrong you will take so much damage you die really fast. if you do this you can go to the only living dwarf who also has that disease but hasnt lost his mind and ask him how to use it and he'll be like "UHHHHHH i'll see what i can. fucking do i guess. i didnt make this." and he'll jerry rig it for you.
then you can kill voryn's brothers or not (you'll need to kill at least 2 for the other tools) and then march up to red mountain. dagoth ur will then be like "yo. are you really nerevar?" and you can say yeah or no or idk. and then have a conversation. and then you fight. but after you kill him he's not really dead, so you gotta run up and start wacking that heart while he yells at you to knock it the fuck off. and then he's cut off from the heart, you run away, and he falls in lava and dies.
and then azura shows up and goes "hey thanks man i have some other shit for you to do though". after which you can do some other content or play the dlc.
thats morrowind baby
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page551 · 8 months
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can you list out some of the unhinged things sp has done? im re-reading orv rn and it just genuinely amazes me how seriously i took this guy when his arc came about XD prior to that he was just the silly chill dude that sent weird silly messages lol
sp enjoyer pipeline be like: hehe silly guy -> wow thats terrifying -> he's pathetic actually <3 -> oh he's so sad 😢 -> he's so pathetic <3 -> good for him honestly -> he's so pathetic-
i will try my best to list as many things that i remember but also note that im aware not every message kdj received was sent by him as opposed by the kkomas but i Might overlook some of these since the kkomas are part of him too
sp was shown to like kdj at his most wicked, as he calls it, just for him to call him pathetic in front of yjh. it's okay beloved ik this was crucial to your character development
he finds the idea of yjh impregnating kdj to be ridiculous and then sponsors kdj 600 coins (yes ive checked)
speaking of sponsorships that one time he basically mocked the constellations of silla by sponsoring kdj the coins that mjw was trying to give to kdj lol he's a shit disturber at heart (his 666th turn exists after all)
he also congratulated kdj when he became sys's sponsor (isnt he cute) and then kdj went on a tangent about how theres no way sp is ordinary cuz no glucose guardian can possibly be weak and ordinary regardless of the simple titles
he can comfort a sad swk and gossip about joongdok to uriel (well probably kkomas but REGARDLESS theres at least one kkoma thats a fudanshi. thats enough for me)
he crashed the constellation banquet like it was nothing. shit disturber as i said
when fourth wall is deactivated briefly, sp 'snaps' at the outer gods/great ones trying to spy on kdj while simultaneously spying on kdj himself
he sacrificed his fingers in order to save kimcom and when kdj tried to "rebel" like !!what if i dont do what you want? he went i still have more fingers left. like kdj bestie ur not winning an argument against him rn
he showed up in white, a color yjh very much "detests" and kidnapped kdj in front of yjh. not only that but he also mocked yjh's powerlessness while he was at it. it's the way the only reason sp hates this version of yjh is bcs he has kdj and he didnt for me
he's created 1.8k+ chibi dolls of himself
next is the 2nd kidnapping. can you call it unhinged if one of your exes shows up at your door and she immediately realizes that theres someone you desperately want to protect even after ruining so many worldlines?? idk tis up to yall
when he mentioned to poseidon that he has already killed him 25 times just for shits and giggles and then proceeded to kill him again
when astronaut yjh was abt to die and sp shows up like "bitch u wish for that luxury" "anw this will be the last time i save your weakass cuz unlike you i actually got a kdj to take care of. bye lmao"
anw this got longer than i anticipated but here it is. my lil list of sp's unhinged moments. im pretty sure I've missed a few here and there but this guy is mentioned like 800 times in the novel and i dont have the patience to look through it all without getting distracted
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AITA for "gossiping" about a coworker?
I (27m) work in a liquor store and am quite genuinely the most competent employee despite having been until very recently the newest. Other than the owner, there are 2 who've worked there longer than me and both of them (I'll call em C (31m) and M(39f) have made much less effort to learn about liquor or even, quite frankly, people skills than I have. And lemme tell you, I started out very socially anxious. I'm a regular socialite now.
So C, at least, has a really good work ethic. He's not super socially adept with customers but he makes up for it by going above and beyond, like taking initiative to do a lot of the relatively "shit" work that the rest of us don't wanna do. I'd also say I get along with him very well bc he's pretty intelligent and open-minded.
M, meanwhile, is genuinely the most simple-minded person I've ever known in my life. The good thing is that she seems to be kind of self-aware of not being very smart and able to be a good sport about it (ngl it helps that I'm gay and she's the type to want a sassy gbf so i can kinda get away with being mean as a joke) - and she is also often just as self-aware about the fact that she doesn't do shit at work. Like she'll literally pause deliveries just bc she doesn't feel like driving, she never takes out trash, she's basically always late, she mentally shuts down at the prospect of any math despite working with money, she has little to no decision-making skills either, she spends half her shift in the bathroom and the other half literally playing solitaire, she isn't able to help customers with shit bc she's never made an effort to learn about anything we sell, etc. But she's nice, and we really don't need her help that much with anything other than just having people behind the counter.
And that's more or less what I told the newest hire, S(25F). It was in the context of explaining exactly how incredibly easy this job is - that basically almost nothing was gonna be expected of her. As examples I told her how M does the least here by far after being here for over 2 years and is at no risk of being fired. I really didn't think much of it bc my intentions were purely to point out that this is a chill job.
But a few weeks later, seemingly at random, M kinda blew up at me for being "disrespectful" about something entirely unrelated. In short it was a matter of me getting a little too comfortable joking about her incompetence in front of a customer, and I hadn't realized in this particular instance it would be upsetting but I understood after the fact and I apologized. She responded literally ONLY by saying "you're not gonna disrespect me, I'm grown" and went on to literally just leave for the day. I was baffled, but when I saw her next I basically immediately gave another apology. She explained then that the reason she was upset was that the new girl S told her that I said she was the laziest one here, saying "I thought we were friends."
I obviously tried to apologize profusely, promising her that it wasn't a "talking shit" sort of thing and trying to explain the context of that, etc. But also I think it's pretty fucking rich and kinda insane of her to be so upset that I said she was lazy. She says so herself, all the time. Also the fact that S would tell M about this conversation and clearly either leave out the context or just do nothing to dissuade M from being upset about it.... Basically idk if I should feel bad about this. In the future I won't be talking shit to S just pragmatically speaking but WAS i wrong to do it at all? AITA?
What are these acronyms?
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vodika-vibes · 2 months
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first off just wanted to say congrats for 500 followers!!! that’s such a great achievement🎉
and second i saw that you’re tup girlie and figured i’d drop a request for the event with tup!! i was thinking something with diamond bc our boy deserves a love that is everlasting😌✨✨ and could you make it gender neutral please?
Just The Two Of Us
Summary: You love Tup. It’s easy. Simple. The easiest thing you’ve ever done. You just aren’t sure if he feels the same way.
Pairing: Clone Trooper Tup x GN!Reader
Word Count: 540
Prompt: Diamond - Everlasting Love
Warnings: None
Tagging: @trixie2023 @n0vqni @imabeautifulbutterfly
A/N: Thank you! And I'm always happy to write for baby boy Tup! I don't get to very often because people don't request him very often.
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“Alright, are you ready?” You ask as you take Tup’s hand and tug him down the street.
“I am, but where are we going, cyare?” Tup asks, his gaze alight with fondness as you pull him through the crowds.
“It’s a secret!”
He laughs softly, and takes several large steps so that he’s standing next to you, and he threads his fingers with yours, “But wouldn’t it be more fun if you told me where we were going?” Tup asks, as he leans in so his nose is almost bumping yours.
“...are you trying to seduce me into spilling my secret?”
“Is it working?”
“....yes.”
He laughs, his forehead lightly bumping against yours, “Great! So where are we going?”
“I…might have reserved a room at the botanical garden for our date tonight.”
Tup blinks at you, “Cyare, that can’t have been cheap-”
“You’re worth it.” You say quickly, “Now! Hurry up!” You tug continue to tug him though the streets, until you reach the garden. Where you then lead him to one of the small greenhouses.
A greenhouse full of blue and white flowers.
You intentionally chose this greenhouse.
And there, in the middle of the room, is a table for two, with lit candles and a cooler full of food next to it. There’s also soft music filling the room. “Ta-dah~” You say nervously, as you look at his face to try and determine what he thinks.
“You did all of this for me?”
“Yup.”
“The picnic-?”
“Your favorite curry, the cooler is specially designed to keep hot food hot.” You explain quickly.
“The music-”
“You really liked it when we went dancing that one time-”
“The candles?” Tup asks, a slow grin crossing his face as he leans into your personal space.
“Uh…scented candles. The spicy scented ones you really like.”
“Mm,” His arms wrap securely around your waist and for some, ridiculous, reason you’re feeling kind of flustered with how he’s looking at you, “The flowers-”
“I like blue and white,” You say sheepishly, “and they make me think of you.”
“You didn’t have to go all out for me, cyare.” Tup says, a wide grin on his handsome face as he leans in so that his lips are hovering just over yours.
“Well,” You say, somehow even more flustered, “I love you and you’re worth it-”
You’re not able to finish your statement as his lips claim yours in a deep, and passionate kiss.
“You love me, huh?” Tup murmurs against your lips.
“Was that ever in doubt?”
He chuckles, “No. You’re not terribly subtle.” He kisses you again and again, “I love you too. Just as much.”
“You do?”
“You doubt it?”
“No. Never,” You kiss him quickly, “But you’ve never said one way or the other-”
“I’m sorry for making you worry. I didn’t want to pressure you. And then I just thought that you could tell.” Tup murmurs, “Will you ever forgive me?”
You beam at him, “Already forgiven.”
He releases a sigh of relief, “Good. That’s good.” Tup leans in and kisses you again, his arms tight around you.
You have a good feeling about tonight, and about the rest of your life. After all, you have Tup, and he has you.
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houseofpendragons · 1 month
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New Ideas for HOTD Alicent Fashion pt.3
So for this one, we’re going to be combining Rhaenyra in this again. The reason for this is bc I’m coving the nightgowns we saw/should have seen. The reason I say some of them are ones we “should have seen” is bc why was everyone still dressed that night on driftmark???? It was late af, why were Rhaenys and Corlys the only ones dressed for bed🤨
But to start, Alicent.
This:
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We love this, we need this.
Idk what this is:
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What happened, she was dressed so elegantly even if it was just for bed. Now she look like a spinster with a house full of cats.
I just don’t like the way the second dress is designed. The fabric is fine. I don’t like the buttons, I don’t like the sleeves, and I don’t like the bland embroidery around the neckline and the wrists and the waist.
The first dress is flowey, yet form fitting. I like the ties in the front, and the over dress that goes over the dress. It’s the same material and looks the same but the way it is positioned is very flattering and creates a more fanciful appearance.
So to firstly redo the nightgown we see in the picture above we need to take some things into consideration. Alicent has had a confusing interaction with Rhaenyra the night before, almost a ghost of their friendship in girlhood radiating around them, and she even says she will be a good Queen (previously having told Aegon that he is not her son). So, we don’t really know what’s going on in Alicent mind right now. Seriously, I mean this girl gave me whiplash sometimes. That being said, she’s still at the height of her Hightower propaganda kick.
Looking at nightgowns in other historical/period dramas, I’ve noticed that it tends to be the simple additions that you don’t even realize (a pop of color, the material of the dress, the way it hugs the body, a simple embroidered design place somewhere) that really give the dress a more fantasy appeal to them.
So considering her mindset and actions, as well as those design factors:
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This actually isn’t too different from the original dress if you really look at it, only the high neckline is an overdress of sheer fabric, still allowing the (perhaps) less appropriate, yet more beautiful nightgown beneath. The overdress helps keep in tact that sense of modesty Alicent seems to be reflecting in her clothing after the time skip, whilst maintaining the more fanciful nightgowns of royalty we see her embracing in her youth. And it is a lighter shade of green as opposed to her usual darker greens, signifying her uncertainties or her wavering ideals.
It is true she also misinterpreted Viserys statement before she went to bed as well, thinking he wished for Aegon to succeed him. However, she is very against Rhaenyra being hurt in any way from the get go. Confliction, family vs. Old friendships
The one thing I would change is that the embroidery around the neckline, the wrists, and the waist would be a gold and red. Not quite Targaryen colors, but the small bit of red fabric on her nightgown could be like the small thought of Rhaenyra being queen tugging at the back of her mind.
Now for the redesign dress. Why is she still in her funeral attire🙄:
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She should have been asleep, or at least pretending to be, so I at least think she’d dress the part.
Now I’m not gonna repeat myself with the yada yada yada about the dress should be bc royalty and style bc we been over that.
That being said, we combining again:
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We’re keeping the long jacket from the first pick, and the dress in question from the second.
The darker green tone reflects the mood, and having been woken up I’d think she’d grab a coat as driftmark seems cold. The floral patterns add a beautiful design that takes away any simplicity, and I also imagine her liking to take strolls through the garden w/ Helaena so yeah. Just imagine this trailing behind her.
As for the dress, I love the white sleeves tucked into the belt, imagine this falling from her shoulder in her tousle with Rhaenyra, the fabric having ripped or simple fallen instead of the golden ornament across her chest in the original dress. It looks hella a lot more comfortable to sleep in that’s for sure. The simple shade of a slightly darker green making the designs subtle and elegant are just mwah. Just imagining her storming into the room half asleep with her messy hair is so pretty in my mind. No jewelry, no shoes, just messy curls, a nightgown, and an overcoat.
Now for Rhae:
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This sucks😭 like it isn’t bad but idk I just don’t like the sleeves or the way the hair looks with the dress. I love the simple braid for bed, it’s literally just the sleeves and the way it hugs her that I don’t like. Okay maybe the shade it is as well. The bottom part looks fine from what I can tell, but the top is what bothers me.
Maybe something a little more like this:
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The lighter red for her youth. She’s still been hanging around daemon, although he’s now been sent away at this point, he’s still heavily been influencing her since he’s been there and Daemon is big on Targaryen propaganda (though not Alicent level with faith of the seven stuff).
It’s again one of those where it actually isn’t too far off from the original dress. The color has changed, it’s more fitted, a little design was added, and the sleeves aren’t ruffled anymore. I didn’t care for those at all. And with this I feel I’d like the braid better, though perhaps have it resting over one should instead. It still holds a girlishness about it but has a little extra with the lace and the small design added to the top.
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Aki spa day :))
wc: ~2.1k read time: ~8 minutes
༉‧₊˚.¸♡ master list✧ '*•༉
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cw: established relationship, fem reader (GN throughout, calls her a beautiful girl at the end bc im kind of a whore for that shit), fluff, make out (i wouldn’t say it’s spicy but like it’s kinda seasoned i guess), mildly ooc aki but only because he’s experiencing happiness and idk if that man has ever known an ounce of joy,
if there are an content warnings you think i missed, please tell me so!! i’ll add them to this post and remember to add them to future ones!! :) ♡ ♡
and pls pls like and reblog and reply!! literally if you interact i will kiss you on the mouth
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Being a public safety devil hunter is no one’s dream job. While the pay is pretty great and you get plenty of PTO, the death, tragedy, and destruction you see on a weekly basis is not always worth it. The only reason you’ve stuck around this long is because somehow you lucked out with your partner.
Aki.
He’s so mellow and kind and smart and he is so so handsome. These last few years with him have been some of the most difficult of your life, but he makes it manageable. The two of you have been partners for the last 3 years. You both have your eyes set on killing the gun devil, but you know that deep down, it's only Aki who believes he can actually get the job done.
Truthfully, you wished for an easy life with him. All you want is to work a usual 9 to 5 (preferably one that won’t kill you), come home, make dinner and have a quiet evening with the man you love. God, how does something so simple sound like such an unattainable fantasy?
On your days off, you like to lean in to the fantasy a little bit. You took off this Friday in return for working a mission the following Sunday, so you slept in, made a nice brunch, ran some errands and decided that you were going to do a full skin care spa day at home to relieve some stress. It’s rare that you get the chance to take time to take care of yourself, so this was definitely needed after a very long week at work. Which is what you were doing when Aki came home that evening.
You heard the door open and his post-work-day sigh, “y/n, you home?”
“In the bathroom!”
Aki walked in and couldn’t help but smile a little bit. You were in an old t-shirt of his that was just a bit too big and some lounge pants with cats on them. You had your hair clipped out of your face and were applying under-eye patches. He leaned in and kissed the top of your head. It surprises him every time that no matter what you’re doing or wearing, he still thinks you’re the most gorgeous person he’s ever seen.
“How was work today?” you asked.
“Could have been worse. Makima has Power and Denji training with Kishibe non-stop since the ambush on the devil hunting divisions, so it was nice not having them around all day,” he went on, “But I know that she knows something we don’t about the recent ambush attacks and why they targeted Denji. She’s not telling us and I need to figure out what it is and why. Oh, and we also killed a roach devil, so that was pretty gross. Just felt like a long day."
You sighed. He’s always cared too deeply. You’ve tried to tell him that he shouldn’t be so invested in the job and that he should just treat devil hunting as a paycheck ad nothing more, because at the end of the day you all know that you’re replaceable. It hurts when you see him coming home carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders for a job that would replace him in less than a week.
You step towards him, “I’m sorry that work was rough. I mean, when is it not but, you know.” Your hands reach up and pull his hair tie out, letting his hair fall down, “How about this? You shower and then change into comfy clothes, and I can give you a little massage and face treatment? Having clean skin and being taken care of always helps me unwind,” you said with a smile.
Aki thought about this. Honestly? He felt exhausted. He was hungry and was looking forward to dinner and sleeping. But you looked so cute with your under eye patches, and the idea of being pampered and loved by his partner was not at all unappealing. “Okay. That sounds.. nice, actually.”
“Yay! Okay, step one is to go take a shower and wipe off the bad energy from work today. Take your time and enjoy the warm water! I’d join you but I literally just showered,” you chuckle and finished up your routine with some lip balm. .
“I mean you can never be too clean—”
“Yeah yeah, get your ass in there,” you pushed him and he laughed softly. You never wanna go a day in your life without hearing it.
About 15 minutes later, you hear the bathroom door open and Aki’s footsteps shortly following. “Alright missy," he walked in to your shared bedroom wearing a black t-shirt and some grey sweatpants, “What’s step two?”
“You washed your face in the shower, yeah?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“‘Kay, go lay down in bed. I’ll be there in a sec!”
Puzzled yet smiling, Aki went to the bedroom. A moment later, you came in with some of your skin care. Bottles, tubes and other containers clinked with each other as you walked.
“Uhh, am I still gonna have skin after this?” he teased, “Wait what are those for?” he pointed at the strawberry barrettes in your hand.
“Clipping your hair back!" You dump your things onto your nightstand beside you, "I figured having it loose and clipped back was more comfortable after it’s gets tied back all day.”
Your hands reached up and gently pulled his bangs out of his face and clipped them back. His hair was always so soft and shiny, which you always found unfair considering he does nothing but shampoo and conditioner after tying it up all day.
Aki hummed in agreement. He loved when you played with his hair. He didn't know another person's hands could feel so good, “A correct assumption,” he smiled as you finished tucking his bangs back.
“Okay, so first I’m going to tone your skin then I’ll use some relaxing serums. I don’t know how, but you are blessed with very clear skin, so I don’t want to go crazy with cleansers and peels,” you beginning to apply a toner with some cotton rounds.
“Peels? Wait, will I actually still have skin after this?”
“Hey! Trust the process,” you laughed and bopped him in the forehead with the cotton pad.
And yet again, that little fantasy sneaks up on you from your subconscious. A life where you can treat and love your boyfriend like this. A life where you hear his laughter more often than his weeping. A life where he smiles more than he wears that stoic glower he has all the time. The way he melts and relaxes under your touch is something that is so special to you. You wished you could do it for him more often.
“Okay now I’m gonna use some niacinamide for any discoloration you have,” you say as you drop some serum on his face
“Do I have discolora—” he gasped, “That stuff is cold!”
“Relax you baby, and no you don’t because life is very unfair,” you felt him chuckle as you began massaging the product into his face. His skin was soft under your gentle hands and you could feel his breathing slowing as he let himself ease into your touch. It felt nice to take your time and love him like this. Life is always so fast and intense for Aki. He deserved to have these slow and soft moments.
You tapped his face gently, "Time for eye patches, like the ones I had earlier.”
“What are they for?”
“The ones I’m gonna put on you are just hydrating with a little bet of retinol for any fine lines. And while those sit I’ll tweeze your brows and depuff your face with a face roller!” you say as you crack open the patches.
“And you do this every night??” Aki asked.
“Oh god no, this is like the relaxation treatment I do when I get a day when I finally have nothing to do. I wish I had the time and energy to do this every day,” you joked. “Okay eye patches are on! Now sit up, because I don’t trust myself to not fuck up your eye brows while you’re upside down.”
“Yeah, I don’t think I trust you either,” he grunted as he sat up.
Once he was right side up, you began to position yourself sat in front of him but you yelp when he pulls you into his lap by surprise. You felt your heart speed up a bit when you felt his groin press into yours and his hands settled on your hips. You stutter, “woaHA-Aki! Uhm, am I..” you swallowed, “Uhm— are you comfortable?”
“I feel just fine,” He said in an innocent tone, but the look in his eyes said otherwise. Aki loved to pick on you like this. It’s rare that you stumble or get flustered out in the field or with all your friends, and he thinks you’re so cute when you’re a little worked up, “Are you comfortable, y/n?”
“You think you’re so funny, huh?” you asked.
Fine, two can play that game.
You grabbed his face and pulled him towards your lips. The way his mouth instantly opened for your tongue turned you on even more and you rolled your hips into his. The groan he made was so sexual it made you shiver. Your favorite thing about loving Aki is the way it feels like he savors every touch you two share. Every time his mouth and tongue move against yours, it made you feel loved and wanted. Though he always gives you that feeling no matter what he did.
His grip on your hips tighten as you ran your fingers through his hair. You smiled into the kiss as you felt him get harder underneath you when you pulled on it. Gotcha.
You slow the momentum and then give him one last sweet kiss, “Okay, time to start on your brows!”
He had a buffering look on his face as he realized what you meant, “W-wait, c’mon— That’s not fair!”
You began to work, “I don’t understand what you mean? Thought we were just being silly? Just playing? Joshing around if you w—”
“Alright missy, you’ve made your point, very funny ha ha now finish up my face.” But his smile gave away what his tone tried to hide.
And so, for the next few minutes you hummed some song stuck in your head while Aki occasionally hissed as you tweezed.
“Okay all done!” You said as you plucked the last hair.
“So? How do I look?”
“Well, not everyone’s can look as good as mine but you’re definitely doing better than before!” you giggled as you handed him a mirror.
“Very funny,” he looked at his brows, “Oh woah, they look super clean.”
“The power of facial grooming. I’m gonna finish you off with some moisturizer and your skin will be free of toxins.”
“What toxins?”
“I don’t know, ask the influencers, because apparently our bodies are full of them,” you said, applying the cream to his face as he chuckled. And yet again, you wished life was a little bit different.
Aki, on the other hand, loves spending time with you. He would do almost anything if it made you happy, and didn’t think about why until recently. You had this weird ability to make it seem like everything was going to be okay. He wants to keep having these moments with you to help drown out the sounds of everything else in his life. Aki realized, up until now, he was just surviving through whatever life threw at him, but with you he wants to actually live through it. He wants to take you out and enjoy the evening. Actually cook and taste good food, not just tolerate whatever gave him enough to keep going. He doesn’t have to just put up with the people in his life. Maybe... and just maybe... Aki can actually love and care for someone again.
He knows this line of work is going to kill him in a few years, and that Aki has goals that he just can't give up on. He doesn’t even think he deserves to live a good life with you, truthfully. Yet he’s decided to be selfish and try to have it anyways
He snaps out of his thoughts, “What are you craving for dinner?”
“Pork onigiri?”
“Pork onigiri you will have,” he leaned in for a kiss and said, “I love you very much. Thank you for always taking care of me, beautiful girl” he kissed you again.
You pulled away, “Of course. I’ll always take care of you; I love you too.”
He gave you one last peck before getting up and walking to the kitchen for dinner.
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astudyinfreewill · 5 months
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"alternate universe pynch where it doesn't work out" no no say more. i was dying for their whole thing to be the most excruciating acrimonious breakup followed by getting back together and so I am very much Feeling This
AHHH i don't know what this was in reference to anymore, bc tumblr decided to eat not one but TWO of your asks (what kind of truly diabolical fuckery tbh???) however rest assured i WILL say more!!!!
listen. LISTEN. i will never forgive mstief for how quick and painless and easy their resolution in greywaren was. i know that one of the premises of these books is "ronan never really needs to be accountable for anything", but damn. my guy joined an ecoterrorist cult and almost destroyed the world (except he didn't, because PSYCH! ronan can never really be the bad guy either! it was really Random Faceless Antagonist #2 all along! booooo boring :/) because his boyfriend was late to text him back. he also proceeded to then ghost said boyfriend by not answering his texts, calls, and shutting him out of the communal dreamspace they usually codependently/homoerotically share. that is a NEXT LEVEL ghosting. and THEN!!! when they finally speak, since adam went behind his back (for good reasons! because ronan was behaving too erratically to be trusted! but he STILL went behind his back!!!) ronan unceremoniously dumped him and threw the whole phone away!!
when i tell you i was SALIVATING for the confrontanion that would inevitably happen. i wanted DRAMA i wanted ACCUSATIONS FLUNG IN FACES i wanted CATHARSIS for heaven's sake!!! and then. and then in just a quick five minute mind-meld in the astral sea, all was forgiven. and it's like, of course we knew everything would be forgiven. there was never gonna be a universe when adam didn't come back to save ronan. he made a big deal of leaving him in front of declan and then came back one (1) day later. BUT IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SO EASY AND UNEARNED!!!
what about a universe where adam returns to save ronan, but then things are stilted and awkward between them. what about a universe in which they don't patch it up actually, at least not for a while. what about a universe where adam is so confused about what he wants out of his life - now that he actually has options - that he doesn't know if he can keep doing this. what about a universe where ronan is not actually magically okay with the mind-shattering revelation that he's a different species from a different dimension. what about a universe where ronan refuses to apologize (because he never does, really!) and so adam refuses to just accept him back as it is, because ronan made his choice and it wasn't me and if adam has nothing else, he has his stupid pride at least.
idk man i simply think that would have been DELICIOUS and i mourn it every day. these characters have never been simple for one single page, so why would they get a cookie-cutter resolution?
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k1rameki · 8 months
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THE TIME HAS COME EVERYONE. ITS TIME TO TALK ABOUT MY EXTENSIVE LIST OF TABI HEADCANONS (hcs are under the cut plus this also counts as a little debrief of his human design bc jesus christ i put so much effort into making this man's design it went through a LOT of trial and error before settling on what i got now considering ive gradually made him less and less "human")
also quick thing b4 i proceed – please please PLEASE ask before making things w my tabi design bc ive seen a rlly cool papercraft made w/o my knowledge and that was kinda sucky so ya thats around it (other than the basics of no nsfw and such)
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APPEARANCE HCS
first and foremost — hes half japanese because i remember his aside counterpart being japanese iirc and i thought that was really cool and wanted to implement that into my own little hc (also he speaks like a dozen languages bc of another thing i'll go into detail with in a bit
so many different facial features, scarring (theres a very elaborate reason for this tbh), moles, freckles, etc all bc why not?? (freckles is primarily bc of my bestie crow and now im obsessed)
lashes bc why not, give every man a pair of lashes i think theyre pretty
PIERCINGS. so many piercings. this is primarily because i am a very firm believer that tabi gets piercings done because he wants to feel human again so he finds comfort in decorating himself as much as possible for that reason and also the aesthetic
broken horn bc of the mod events, damage beyond repair and whatnot
HE HAS LONG HAIR BC I SAID SO ‼️‼️ i figured considering he's been invisible for so long he never really knew what to do when it came to cutting his hair, so eventually it grew out to around his waist, and he kept that hairstyle ever since (he prefers wearing his hair in a ponytail or smth bc sensory issues when it comes to hair touching his skin)
a lot of tater's hcs infected my brain hehehehehe especially the tail and his hands still being what they were when they were cursed (also. paw beans. /vpos)
HES TRANS ‼️‼️ hes also very dumb and has very little regard for his health and forgets to take his binder off a lot (trust me he gets scolded a lot for that)
GENERAL HCS
hes autistic and has adhd — the autism hc i lowkey stole from crow but the adhd hc ive had for a long long while now — one of his lifelong special interests is performing arts and musicals
chronic insomniac — sleep? never heard of her
plays like 5 different instruments but primarily specialises in piano and guitar
safe food is anything sweet or chocolatey — he has a massive sweet tooth and is obsessed w cookies and pastries in particular which ayana baked for him a lot (ill prolly make a whole other post for her in the near future but guys. pastry chef aya. hear me out)
an absolute boss at board games, especially monopoly, and he constantly loves screwing everyone over
extremely hyperfixated on pokemon and owns a bajillion folders filled with cards worth a buttload of money, and a dozen plushies + figurines (projecting bc pokemon is one of my hyperfixes dont judge me) his fav gen is absolutely johto
his eyesight is pretty bad but like. not bad enough for him to be needing glasses (unlike a certain someone cough cough agoti)
speaking of said certain someone, he and agoti do each other's hair a lot simply because its really fun and provides some stimulation, and also because it helps tabi practice with self care and such
VERY SENSITIVE TO SOUND AND TEXTURES, often times he will probably start crying if something sounds or feels wrong
sometimes he forgets certain words in english and has to resort to using what theyre called in russian
has the goofiest sounding laugh ever and i will die on this hill. when you get tabi cackling he will start rolling on the floor and making the most UNGODLY sounds
can speak like 6 languages fluently and a dozen others in simple conversation (NERD ALERT)
he sucks so hard at writing essays but is (for some reason) really good at maths
despite being the more serious one among his group of friends, tabis a dumbass and does a lot more stupid things than one would expect
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mahs-dumpster · 7 months
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"Sewing Kit"
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Summary: after Grim ruined Ruggie's clothes during his and the prefect's (forced) Spelldrive practices, Daisy decides to make up for it by sewing his clothes.
a/n: once again gonna post this and ignore this acc for like months bc I'm embarrassed about posting this; also again you may read this as reader x ruggie, I don't mind
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"I already told you I can't pay you back with money, so you don't even come for me after all of this is finished."
"I offered to help because I wanted to help. I don't want anything from you, senpai." Daisy explained after sighing, continuing to sew one of Ruggie's clothes that had ripped a hole. Ruggie was going to sew it himself as he usually does, but since his clothes ripped because of Grim during the Spelldrive practice that Leona so kindly forced Daisy and Grim to participate, she took it upon herself to solve the issue. "If there must be a reason, think of it as me trying to make up for what Grim did."
"There's no need though…" Ruggie murmured under his breath, sitting on his bed and watching as the girl did her job efficiently and fast; he wondered where she learned how to sew, if perhaps it had been something she needed to learn like him, or if it was a hobby of hers.
He stared as the girl moved so elegantly and he wondered if she lied about her background. Even doing something so simple as sewing, Daisy still carried herself like a princess. If he didn't know any better, Ruggie would've sworn she was royalty from another country.
He shifted his gaze to her fingers: small, delicate, with a handful of calluses. His eyes went up to her arms, then her neck, and finally her face; round brown eyes looked carefully at her job, frowning ever so often whenever she messed up.
Ruggie contained a laugh, but not his smile, and soon enough, when Daisy looked up, she caught his stare. Ruggie cleared his throat and looked away as Daisy chuckled.
The prefect seemed to finish sewing, smiling happily at her work and showing it proudly to the hyena beastman with a smile. 
"See? Good as new." She said, and Ruggie couldn't help but chuckle at how proud she was for doing something so simple.
Being delighted by simple things, Ruggie noticed, was a common occurrence for Daisy. Smiling at a simple plate of food, laughing at a simple joke Grim told her, thanking Leona for the simple act of letting her stay in the dorm… she enjoyed the simple things. 
Ruggie would never say it out loud, but he admired that in her.
The blonde looked around, searching for a pair of scissors to cut the string. Ruggie was able to get up so he could get her one, but Daisy seemed to find her own way of cutting that string: using her teeth.
She got her face close to his shirt, putting the string between her teeth and snapping it with them, wrinkling her nose in the process. Her canines weren't sharp, at least not as much as his, but that action made him blink at her in surprise, the very motion so confident, he felt his cheeks warm for a moment.
Wha- was he crazy? She literally just cut a string with her teeth. What about it?? 
"Are you ok there?" She asked, noticing how he stared at her in awe. Ruggie cleared his throat and took his shirt from her.
"Y-yeah, I'm fine. Thanks, I guess."
Daisy sighed. Well, she wasn't expecting much, but she was a tad disappointed at that reaction. 
"Alright… you're welcome. Have a good night, Ruggie-senpai." She bowed slightly as she got up, making her way to the door of his room to go to sleep. 
"Hey, uh-" Ruggie suddenly called and Daisy stopped, waiting patiently for what he had to say. "Let me walk you to Leona-san's room. We wouldn't want you accidentally pissing another Savannaclaw student off on your way there."
She rolled her eyes, starting to walk as he followed right behind her. "It's not my fault… I always apologize but you guys never seem to listen to what I have to say."
"Yeah, I guess that's a problem amongst the people here." Ruggie agreed, walking alongside her, noticing how small she looked wearing the clothes he decided to lend her so she could sleep in something that wasn't her uniform. They fit her almost perfectly, since he wasn't that much taller than her, but they were still a bit big, and Ruggie felt a sense of pride in having the prefect wear his clothes to walk around the dorm.
Even if it meant he had one less pair of clothes… oh well.
The two fell into a comfortable silence as they walked the corridors of the dorm; he shifted his gaze to her, noticing just how long her hair was, he saw the small mole resting just under her right eye, and he suddenly wondered what it would be like to touch it. He contained a small laugh at the thought; there was no way they were ever getting that close so she would be comfortable with him touching her face.
But… her hand perhaps? 
Ruggie slowly extended his pinky, trying to touch her fingers, and after his claw and then his fingertip made contact with her hand, Ruggie couldn't help but notice how the girl flinched.
"Wh- what are you doing?" Daisy asked, but didn't move, she just looked at him, cheeks red and confusion written all over her face. 
Ruggie let out an embarrassed laugh, putting his hand in the pocket of his pants. "Nah, I just wondered what your reaction would be if I grabbed your hand. Thought it'd be funny." He lied.
If Daisy noticed his facade, she didn't seem to comment on it, and soon they reached Leona's room. Ruggie waved at her and gave her a quick goodnight, before basically running back to his own room, ashamed of his poor attempt at holding the prefect's hand.
He threw himself on his bed, eyeing the shirt the girl was just sewing minutes ago. He groaned. 
"Stupid… why'd you even think that would work…?"
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abboii08 · 5 months
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okay i know ive posted a lot lately but i just watched a falsettos song rating video with the most L takes ive ever seen and by L takes, i Mean. like really ick. the video itself wasnt awful and they did have some good commentary and opinions but. hmmm
they went on kind of a blurb about father to son and how plain and unimaginably Boring it is and then said they skip it every single time. like dude!!!! father to son isn't my favourite song either but to just completely disregard it is kind of weird If you ask me.
and then they gave what more can i say a 3/10 with no other reasoning other than "i fell asleep" okay 💀
lack of media literacy skills begin to show when they lowered the rating of canceling the bar mitzvah solely because, and i quote, "jason was being annoying" Do you even know why jason was upset. do you know why everyone was so stressed. it's supposed to be a difficult moment for everybody. jason is a child trying to cope with the fact that his loved one is sick and potentially dying in the hospital. he's 12 years old. he doesn't know how to process this, and neither do trina and mendel.
and then 1/10 for marvin hits trina because "marvin is mean" okay. we know what marvin did in that song was really really shitty but its not as simple as him just being a little meanie
BUT on the positive side!!! im really glad the video creator understood trinas character well and when it came to her songs, they gave pretty insightful commentary. more often than not new falsettos fans can tend to push trina off to the side unfortunately so im really glad they took the time to understand and appreciate her as a character bc she's wonderful. also towards the songs at the end they gave some better ratings so that was nice.
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enniewritesathing · 16 days
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🗣️discussion post 🗣️
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let's talk about what happened :D
underneath the read more bc of spoilers for the update (obviously) and length, me rambling, some behind the scenes things...
First off -- this is took so long for me to work on. It was what, a 4 month gap? Usually it's not more than a month but... Things happened and my brain being generally an asshole. We're working on that. What really spurned me to get make the update? I got new internet and holy shit, everything's so fast. Went from DSL to 5G internet (which me being in the sticks, being surrounded by 3 towers = all the speed). Which is great because I added gifs and I need that upload speed or else it would've taken forever.
I didn't get the idea of making gifs until about halfway through the update when @pink-chevalier suggested I make some/experiment with them. I can also combine 2 or more pics for transitions/actions so I'd have room for shots. Also making use of Photomosh Pro...
anyway let's get on with what happened (in no order):
Hey. Charles? He may be unhinged. Just a little bit.
Daniel's very interesting that he's trying to divorce himself from everything, much less the trial and Charles was right to call him out. Real pot = kettle energy. If you think about it, he's damn near the level of responsible that Charles has with handling needles/syringes, he's way less unhinged about it. It's more of a reluctant participant but not really.
I mean, he punched The Werewolf with one when he attacked Jordan.
Speaking of needles, for some reason I looked up how to do an injection and turns out there are different ways! In this case, the needle has to get into muscle (and the heart being a muscle itself), Daniel has to angle it 90 degrees. In the Incident, it was at a weird angle (and at the time I didn't know how to put accessories in stigmata.)
And ofc, it had to go down to the stopping point. Why no, that's not anything.
I made so many swatches of the vitals. There's like 50. They do look nice on the bigger screen. Truly enhances everything way better. Like I said previously, I did what I could with what I had.
The Werewolf dropping the fact that John was the one in control and not him during this segment of the trial. John's the one getting tortured.
The door is actually The Werewolf's door! This is the first time he's done it. To this day, he doesn't quite have a handle on summoning doors. It makes sense that it's simple, but because he wasn't in control per se, the knob was useless.
John's expression on seeing The Werewolf glaring down at him? The Werewolf's glare??
Mark's absence because he won Rock Paper Scissors. We'll get to him later.
John freaked out by the amount of blood in the lab. He's got a stronger stomach than I thought but I think it's because he's a bit used to blood when he fights. Not that much, but, an amount. It happens.
That said... you think The Werewolf might be holding back on that? Do you think it's actually messier than that?
First the hospital bed surrounded by flowers, and now the exam table (?)... what's with that?
And what's up with John...? Does he remember more than he lets on? Or is he hiding under the guise of medicinal amnesia? It's like he could be in denial or something. 🤔🤔🤔
The Werewolf says he'll talk about that later. I have a feeling that's not gonna be pretty.
The Werewolf admitting that everything was against him, that there was a chance of him dying. He didn't know if whatever he had in mind was going to work.
The shots during Charles' and Daniel's conversation?? Getting it together and working on it took like a month bc it's a Biggie/Important story post. That said, as much as I hate Charles, I enjoyed writing his dialogue and perhaps, in general. He's just really fascinating!
I actually have no idea what he sounds like. I think I've said it's reedy, but idk?
This mfer really did 🫵.
I love how John's hair has been touched twice in this update. It is pretty soft.
I would like to give a shoutout to the music genre Witch House.
The file name I gave John during the conversation was "go king, give us nothing.blend".
This isn't quite mentioned but ever since The Werewolf made his promise, it was made sure that he wouldn't move a millimeter. It's also why his healing ability has started to erode over time, it's that strong. His senses are shut out -- as well as not being able to see, he can't hear (mostly) and he can't smell so he can't sus out who's who.
...that and I thought the visual was neat when I put it together. Very experiment-y.
I would never fault John for being terrified of needles.
I wasn't able to do this visually right last time because I didn't have the CC for it (or the ceiling update), but I love how the shots of The Werewolf being in The Void came out. Lot of shots of him being far off and tiny... only used a few though. It really drives home what is isolation to him.
He was going to have his wrists chained (or chained in general) but I thought eh, that's a bit too much and it didn't really work with what I had in mind. (And I was lazy.)
I made the decision of changing John's/The Werewolf's eyes from 'blank' to white... they both do hit, but white's more of pointing out true unconsciousness, if you get my meaning. It's also more spookier... he'll go back and forth with it.
The gifs with John getting to the door, I messed around with in Photomosh. Specifically, it's Smear and I adjusted it to where it looks like he's breathing fast.
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This is probably one of my fav shots in the story (so far). It's foreboding. Sinister even. I could go on.
Oh! Getting into the lab door was a bit of a pain in making it. I don't know how to uh edit objects, so what I had to do was have The Werewolf in the open pose while John walked in/out and I had to capture before the doors closed.
You may notice that there was a huge button on the side of it. The Werewolf wasn't exactly aware of it at the time. Not like he would've been able to get out. That shit is super secure, trouble getting in OR out.
questions? comments? concerns? speculation? anything?
if you made it all the way though, congrats! here's a WIP:
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I'm sure nothing bad is happening there.
:)
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