#grieving adult child

[fatedwithmbc]

Ibrance, party of one… Ok, that’s kind of lame, but I can’t sleep. I don’t know if this is a legitimate side effect or a psychosomatic one. I was not thrilled to be beginning a new line of treatment tonight (or in general). Line ONE should do the trick. It should be most effective. It’s the gold standard according to every second opinion doctor I met with prior to treatment even beginning. It’s supposed to kill the cancer proteins. Starting a second line, especially one that comes with all of the same side effects as the first line of treatment is like being back at square one. I’m scared I’m going to lose my energy and go right back to sleeping and being in bed all day as the meds kill the cancer proteins. Fuck, I STILL have to use the words “cancer proteins”. It doesn’t get easier almost a year later.

I had an appointment with my primary care physician yesterday. The last one ever. She is leaving the practice because of the rules Penn has placed on their doctors to see “X” amount of patients in “X” amount of time per day. As a physician, I am sure it’s frustrating to be told how much time you can allot to one patient, especially when they have a significant illness or complications. She did have some different insight on my back pain which I was happy about— because “ghost pain” sans an amputation wasn’t cutting it with me. The hypothesis is that I likely have some nerve pain in my back, or a pinched nerve. This explains why sitting and standing emphasize the pain, while laying down alleviates it. She ordered an MRI, but the first available appointment is for August 3rd. “A shortage of technicians” is what the scheduler stated. I immediately contacted my Jefferson care team to see if there was anyway this could be expedited. The last thing I want is to miss out on Colorado because I can’t sit or stand. I left a message with my oncologist not expecting a response until today (06/29/23), alas, he called me last night and is getting an appointment STAT.

Side note, I love saying “STAT”, it makes me feel official.

I finally return to therapy and psychiatry tomorrow. These will be my first appointments since my 10 day hospital stay (sang like the words “3 hour tour” from the Gilligan’s Island theme song (And speaking of older shows, the man who plays the character Herman Munster is also the judge in My Cousin Vinny… look it up, you’re welcome)). I’m both excited and anxious for these appointments. Excited because it’s been too long for me to be without these services and anxious because I am not sure if I am going to be told my progress sans anti-depressant has been some type of mania. To me, it’s progress, although, I recognize the need for my antidepressant and am looking forward to restarting it. I am hoping the adjunct I have been taking can help me find a middle ground in life. A nice easy place where I sleep regular hours and have motivation to do the simple things like laundry, versus returning to the world of sleeping all day and accomplish nothing because I don’t wake up until 4pm. YES! That was my normal. I don’t want to go back there. Especially after enjoying English Muffins each morning with my Mom-Mom while we discuss our plans for the day.

I suppose that is enough for my medical fears and updates.

Outside of these “developments”, I have attempted a reconnection with my estranged family as my uncle has an incurable Glioblastoma and is in hospice care. I feel terrible for this man who was intelligent, determined, loving and stubborn to a fault (which he learned from his father). He was a good father to his children, and even to me when I was a child and spent many summers at his home or on vacations that he and his wife lavished upon me. We used to be so close. It’s funny how estrangement happens and no one wants to be the owner of the reason. In the end, I will eat the blame, just so I can have a chance to say good bye. Is that right? No. And frankly, I’m more than a little pissed off about it. How do you put adult responsibilities in a child’s hands and then shame them for being unable to meet your expectations of them. I have a distinct memory of baby sitting for my other aunt and uncle for a week during the summer in high-school. At the time, they lived about a mile away from my ill uncle. I spent the money I earned to buy my aunt a birthday present and she snubbed me for weeks over not coming to see her despite the gift. Why? Because I didn’t come see them while I wasn’t babysitting. I was 15, I had a boyfriend and friends who, at the time felt more important, as those things do at t hat age. Emotional maturity never seemed to be a strong suit for that side of the family and I recall it causing many rifts and hurt feelings for many. Especially “S” children. At the end of the day, I just want to do the right thing. But as I have said before, why does the right thing always mean I’m eating the blame? It hurts. I loved them all once upon a time and thought the sun shone out of all of their asses. Little did I know that my father was giving me the best upbringing I could have had in life. One with just the right amount of hardship to teach me how to earn things for myself, how to be a decent human and to love where it was deserved.

Newsflash: Money does not equal everything, nor does it equal a happy life. Though I am sure it doesn’t hurt.

Why did karma decide I could have a long life with a stage IV diagnosis, while others I love have a stage IV diagnosis and quickly deteriorate and die? I can’t reconcile it with anything I have in my heart.

I’m starting to get teary eyed while typing this, and at 3:35am, I should probably try to get some sleep for my body’s sake. As always, thanks for listening (or reading). El Fin.

#fated with mbc #confessions of a cancer patient #stage iv deserves more #metastatic breast cancer #stage iv metastatic breast cancer #breast cancer #metastaticbreastcancer #grieving adult child #memories #healthcare #chronic conditions #medical fears

[thedrunknextdoor]

the dynamic between bruce and tim is so important 2 me…tim rlly just pointed at bruce and said “is anyone gonna fix that?” and didnt wait for an answer

#tim: fine ill do it myself #batfam #batman #tim drake #red robin #bruce wayne #but actually the deeply unhealthy dynamic between #a grieving adult and a child trying to keep him from #essentially offing himself is #and the child’s belief in that adults abilities to the point of self-destruction is #Oof #but they also LOVE EACH OTHER

[agentravensong]

you know you could actually draw some interesting parallels between mae from night in the woods and hamlet prince of- i am dragged off the stage and thrown into a mineshaft

#hamlet #shakespeare #mae borowski #nitw #it's the holding a great deal of restless anger but not knowing what do with it #it's the whole world expecting you to do something but not knowing how or if you even have it in you #it's the figuring out what it means to be an adult; to be a person with responsiblities #it's the being betrayed by your elders (hamlet his uncle and mom; mae the town elders) and that undermining your faith in everything #it's the finding this distance between yourself and the people you care about and them treating you like you're a child or a stranger #or not in your right mind #and to some degree owning it (or attempting to) because that's the less painful option #it's the grieving for the life you could have had and that grief (nearly) bringing you to self-destruction #do you see it?

[the-kipsabian]

grieving

#i guess thats why i feel so gross rn #its just. gnawing on me. regrets. loneliness. im tired #thats probably why ive been so insistent on working on something at all times. i dont like being alone with my thoughts #and now that i have a moment of silence its just. so loud #getting constant updates doesnt help. seeing my parents fight about it doesnt help. seeing others grieving differently doesnt help #i dont. i dont know #i dont think im gonna come to terms with any of this any time soon #i wasnt that close with my grandpa the past few years since covid but he was always there when i grew up without a dad #he was always a good person when i was a child. as i was an adult a little less so but thats how it goes right? and old people are like tha #it doesnt help that my mom doesnt talk very kindly of him. she loved her dad but is also very mean about him #i dont know. its so difficult for me to grasp #i dont know what to do with grief. it hurts but both not enough and also an overwhelming amount #i just... #funerals next week. i dont wanna do this #night is an absolute mess on main #im just afraid of losing everything. my family has never been that big and now both of my grandparents are gone #and my stepdads family has never accepted me in really so its. i dont know where i belong #it just hurts. i know i have people around but it feels like everyones leaving #i dont want to be alone. i cant

[seafoamplant]

If I could impart one thing on the tumblr media discourse, it would be the idea of framing. Sometimes characters are bad on purpose. Sometimes they're bad on accident. Both instances say something about the story

#tbh? this is coming up in my brain because ive been thinking about gossip girl #the mikes mic video just came out #and i was like 'hang on. blake lively plays the exact same character in both gossip girl and sisterhood of the traveling pants' #but sisterhood is more meaningful and gossip girl is more. frustrating #probably because one frames livelys character as a vulnerable grieving teen who is not responsible for how adults take advantage of her #(more or less) #and one frames livelys character as an irresistable seductress. the dream girl. if you're with her youve one. shes the golden trophy #but let me be clear. serena has been taken advantage of by the adults in her life since she was a child #she cant grow because she knows no other way #but gossip girl isnt interested in that idea #also? theyre two different pieces of media with two different goals. im entertained by mikes recaps of gg. its pretty wack #its not bad. and i would even say its fun to like it. lily is mother and all that #it just like. it should give you SOME pause. if a 18/19 year old is dating a 26 year old married man because he finds her so irresistible #and the show frames that as 'yeah. thats serenas charm. shes the it girl' #then. thats bad lmao. that doesnt make me a purist #if youre with her youve won* lmao

[jankillbride]

[ID: greyscale digital painting of a child version of Killy sitting on a ledge before an open door/portal way. He is wearing a schoolboy’s uniform with a hat. Behind him in the opening is a set of stairs leading away to a far distance, with statues positioned on the sides of the staircase. The opening is heavily shadowed. The ledge that Killy is sitting on is brick and in the lower right hand corner, there is a dark opening. Killy’s shadow on the bricks is also inconsistent. The background of the painting is grey with slight variations in color, done in vertical strokes. On the right, there is some exposed brick and there are some horizontal and vertical strips of grey gradients. There is an irregular shape that has the same gradient shading on the right, near the opening. End ID]

when the academy is noise >>>. click/open in new tab to see all the textures.

here’s a close up of killy’s face because you can’t super see it well in the full image.

oh and here’s a bonus image from a while ago:

[ID: digital sketch of a young Killy. He is standing, hands clenched at his sides, and looking off to the side with a disgruntled expression on. He is wearing a schoolboy’s uniform and a hat. End ID]

#blame! #jkb.art #killy #noise gakuen lore for those that aren't in the know: #reading blame academy made me think about an actual blame academy #namely with the kids that were disappeared in noise #and i just personally like it if killy were one of those kids which leads to little killy in noise/blame academy #and it's like. ever since i watched rgu i froth at the mouth when the school setting is a metaphor for something else #so the academy here is an academy sure for all the disappeared kids but it also has the events of blame intruding on it #and if i were to develop this it'd just make you question reality #how much of this is the actual academy? #how much of this is a child's attempt to make sense of a cruel world that they've been thrust into? #and from a more meta perspective having the staircase featured in log one is relevant because 1) it's the start of killy (adult)'s story #and 2) in log 1 there's the death of a child. this is the death of killy the child #i also really loved these statues cause that one panel of the close up on a face make it seem like it's grieving what happened #they are still protectors that cannot protect anything #anyways also young killy with hat is an image i like now : #*still as in unmoving #also the thing about the academy here is that it is deserted. killy sometimes gets glimpses of the other kids and sometimes glimpses of what #would be the future but there is no one taking care of him. it's a cold empty place #and to a child him that is subject to experiments as implied in noise. that's a blessing. it's a blessing to be alone and unbothered #even if it takes its toll in the end

[gorlsgurlsgirls]

Not me muting my mom’s instagram posts while my parents are in Europe for spring break on the trip she said we’d go on when I graduated college 10 years ago, but instead they took their best friends, leaving me and my brother alone for the second holiday in a row (last one being Christmas) 👀

#she doesn’t owe me a trip to Europe but there has been something so weird about being an adult child & watching my parents leave us behind #there’s so many vacations that I would have paid my way for but I wasn’t even invited #is it the curse to be a child of a narcissistic mother and always grieve the parent you wish you had? #the relationship you hope to have? #but have to come to terms with and unwillingly admit over and over again that things are not ~going to change~ this time

[16sundayss]

.

#I don’t understand families who support the death penalty and want the person who killed their loved one(s) to die #I can’t imagine the pain but #I can almost guarantee that if your child/very close family member killed someone you wouldn’t want the state to put them to death #people always judge people who still love/stay close to their family member who committed heinous acts #but I’m like #sorry you’ve never experienced unconditional love #that must be a really sad life for you #there’s almost nothing my family could do that would make me stop loving them #I might not speak to them if it was super heinous and they weren’t remorseful #but I would never want them to die #I would never speak this flippantly irl #but there’s another execution coming up in m*ssouri #and the brother of one of the victims is for it #and I’m like lol #as if you’d want your brother to die if the situation was reversed #it’s just frustrating to see people be so hypocritical #grow up #I’m sorry your grieving but it doesn’t mean you get to punish the world for it #you are a grown ass adult #you need to think about the larger consequences of your actions whether you like it or not #me

[fatedwithmbc]

Embarrassments from this Weekend:

1. After trying every form of protein possibly on the market, I discovered it can make you very gassy. Not a problem if you’re not being social. Very BIG problem when you have an overnight at your romantic interests’ house. Thanks, Cancer, you slut.

2. I made a cake for my brother’s belated birthday dinner. The very first thing I stated was, “it’s flat”. The very first thing my brother said was, “it’s missing some height”.

3. Emotional posts on my social media accounts were abundant this weekend. Today marks 2 years since my Dad’s passing. I’m in full “grief” mode. It also makes me think about my own passing. I just keep thinking, I’m also Stage IV, I can’t have much time left… who knows.

4. Admitting to myself how much I missed, and actually crave physical touch from someone who cares about me. I mean hugs, spooning, holding hands; you know, PG-13, innocent PDA. It’s made me realize, you need to hug whoever you love. You need physical touch to feel loved; whether it’s a hug platonically, or a family member, or even romantically.

5. Confessing to “E” that he couldn’t buy a new Michigan hat because I already had — for him. Which in turn left me feeling as if I have put the cart before the horse. Is it too soon for gifts? I mean, his birthday is in 2 weeks and I am fully prepared, despite our lack of “status”. I care for him and this is how I’d behave for anyone I care for - and cutting the shit: I’m excited about where “we” could be headed.

Amazing Things from this Weekend:

1. Time with “E”. Seeing him in person definitely solidified things for me. We’re oddly comfortable around each other. We can be quiet without it being awkward. There’s banter. Which I love the most. His demeanor is serious, yet caring - hard and soft; a complete paradox that I somehow understand. We cuddled watching Unsolved Mysteries with “R” taking up the middle between us. We went to bed— and had deeply open conversations, like kids at a sleepover refusing to go to bed. Sleep finally came, and I could have stayed in the most intentional yet gentle embrace in his arms forever. I slept well, and without the aid of medicines for the first time in ages. He let me sleep later as he took care of “R”. I made his bed and readied to leave- but not before discussing plans to see each other soon. True gentleman that he is, he walked me out to my car, gave me the best hug in the world and said “Text me when you’re home”. That important line that means someone cares for you. I hope this continues to trend positively. We’ve not stopped talking since I left.

2. Celebrating my Brother; his happiness is my happiness. Knowing he loved his gifts, enjoyed the cake I made for him and is opening up with me again is more than I could ever ask for. I’ve missed him. We won’t ever be the same, but we’re healing and adapting. We’re making our family important.

3. Seeing my Nephew — including the best greeting: his smiling face and excited voice beaming “Asheley!” Our silly games, our hugs and our good-byes. All of it, with him, is special and precious to me.

4. Learning the Buttercream Frosting recipe from Mom-Mom

5. Selecting the flowers for Dad’s bouquet, ensuring the depth and meaning I am always looking for was accomplished. Red Roses - Love; White Roses - Loyalty; Amaranth - Admiration & Friendship.

6. A Georgia mug was added to my “You Are Here” collection from Starbucks; courtesy of my SIL and Brother.

7. Pep-talks from my amazing Bestie (also identifiable as “E”) really helped calm my nerves on Friday. And she is feeling better after having COVID. She’s in the top 3 of my biggest supporters/carers. I’m so glad I have a solid friendship to rely on and that makes me feel entirely supported.

8. I won $59 on random lottery winnings which coincided with Dad’s birth year on the day of his death date. It was a weird universe, coincidence thing. And I love those types of “signs”.

Random Ramblings:

MBC has totally stolen my appetite and desire for food. I’m dying from these daily protein in-take targets. “E” cares about my protein in-take. He asks about my goal and progress each day. Plant protein is very “dry”. “Whey” protein tastes awful. I have one item I bought that I have left to try. The bottom line is that I don’t know how I can force myself to eat. It’s so damn hard. Especially because once you haven’t eaten for awhile, not eating food seems natural.

I started feeling neuropathy, (thanks again, Cancer), for the first time since taking the Kisqali. It’s in my hand. Totally can’t feel the objects in my hand when I hold them (only periodically). It feels like pins and needles or like it’s “sleeping”.

I discovered a storefront that does Tarot Readings in a town nearby. I’m going this week since I’m on a forced LOA. Forced LOA definitely frees up ones’ calendar. I am super interested in how the reading will progress and what it will ultimately reveal. I also reached out to some relatives about a possible trip to NY state during my LOA.

I’m exhausted, but still not sleeping without the aid of pills.

I have a few appointments this week. Nothing major. No shots, no labs, no surgery.

I’m successfully avoiding the bathroom scale. But admittedly, I’ll weigh myself tomorrow.

The End.

Notifications: @kcco265

Font Key:

1. Headers

2. Cancer or MBC; My Nemisis

3. Author Tidbits/Wisdom

#fated with mbc #metastatic breast cancer #stage IV deserves more #confessions of a cancer patient #grieving adult child #grief journey #I have a crush

[gumbootsupreme]

today’s fuck colonialism: i hate feeling disconnected from my culture bc my family didn’t feel safe to talk about our heritage and encouraged me to lose my language as fast as possible

#i am so so so sad i am divorced from this #it is not safe to reconnect with my family but i feel the lack of connection to my culture like an ache #i literally spoke an indigenous language as a child along with 3 colonizer languages #and i am left only with like 1 and a half colonizer languages as an adult #i cannot speak to my own grandmother #and if i could she would likely disavow me for being gay anyways #i am just tired and sad and grieving so hard rn #esp bc so many of the cultural groups i could join generally center people i consider complicit in my colonization #who do not care to associate with me because i am not one of them and they know it #we are literally only lumped together bc americans don’t actually understand the maghreb #i am so so so tired of living alienated from even the diaspora #feeling very #alone rn

[scretladyspider]

Queer kids deserve to become queer adults. To grow up supported. To go through adolescence finding themselves, instead of going through their 20s grieving the years they weren’t safe and had to pretend to be someone else. To be safely queer before financial independence. Wanting queer youngsters to not have a lifetime of conditioning and trauma to unpack isn’t child abuse, it is literally the opposite. Queer kids deserve to be safe.

#lgbtqia #queer #mental health #lesbian #gay #bi #trans #nonbinary #intersex #asexual #aromantic #pan #omni #poly #demi #text #text post

[instantarmageddon]

You know as a kid with Behavioral Issues™️ who's dad would grab them and shake them and threaten to beat them in public for doing Normal Kid Things I don't really remember the specific things he would yell at me, but I do remember looking to other adults for help and watching them pretend not to see me.

#VIVIDLY remember the face adults would make when they Averted Their Eyes #if they acknowledged the situation it was to commend my dad for 'keeping me in line' #for the record i only ever actually got hit a handful of times #but he would grab me and pinch me in ways that would hurt but not leave marks #like i would throw a fit over something stupid because i was 9 and it would turn into this fiasco where im sobbing snot running down my face #with a grown man standing over me threatening to spank me in the dairy aisle #while tim the milk man pretends he cant hear me begging to just be left alone #bc being quiet wasnt enough! he would get in my face and yell at me to smile so everyone knew i was okay! #that i wasnt being abused and i was fine!! smile right now before they get the wrong idea!!!!! #and like my mom didnt give a shit #shes totally checked out. she to this day swears days like this never happened and im exaggerating for attention #but i fucking remember man! i felt so fucking SMALL #i was like this lunatic is gonna fucking kill me and no one will care #bc like only a couple of times was enough to know that he was more than capable of hurting me! when he said im gonna beat you black and blue #i believed him!! #i used to think that i was the worst most evil child to ever exist. i thought i was the literal antichrist for a bit #and looking back i was just a small child who was grieving and needed someone to talk to #dont even get me started on the fucked up shit he used to say to me. like ive repeated it to people #and they just straight up dont believe it bc its so vile #and a lot of times there were witnesses!! #no one in our society gives two shits about children and thats why so many adults are so fucked up #anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk #i saw something fucked up today that i couldn't do anything about and now im having some sort of breakdown about it

[ew-selfish-art]

DpxDc AU: Tim as a child was never given a lot of information regarding the scribbling messy handwriting that appeared over night all over his arms- naturally he came to his own conclusions.

Tim Drake was home entirely alone at 9 years old and was about to go out for the night to test his brand new long exposure camera lens when he sees the writing on his arm. It’s not English, like he assumed it was at first, but it was using the alphabet to represent… Tim isn’t bad at math but this formula is complex for his little genius brain.

Looking at his camera, he decides he can spare a moment to look it up, solve it, and get back out into old town Gotham in time for Batman and Robin’s final patrol lap. He does just that, finding the problem to relate to some aerospace engineering and then quickly deduces what laws and theorems need to be applied. He finds a pen, writes down his findings in much neater handwriting onto his arm, and goes out. It’s barely a remarkable night at all. He gets a much more memorable photo of Robin roundhouse kicking a hench person.

Things just continued on that way. Tim would find some complex math, physics or chemistry prompt on his arm (surrounded by various question marks or notes or sad faces)- he’d answer it as best he could and move on with his life. Perhaps his parents were manifesting these pop quizzes? Perhaps his subconscious felt guilty about abandoning his studies for more Bat related pursuits? Tim really didn’t care to think much about it once he became Robin- there was too much on his plate and too many peoples problems for him to fix.

Notably, however, after the attack at the Tower, the pop quiz appeared and Tim wrote back that he wouldn’t be able to find an answer to this one. It was the only time Tim questioned the markings appearance and it was because the next thing that appeared was “Hope you feel better soon.”

… his parents wouldn’t include that on a pop quiz. Cursed then. Tim decided it must be a curse, whatever, he’d deal with the implications later in life.

Tim then has the worst year of his life, hes 15, no longer Robin and the questions from his curse are getting less math oriented and more… philosophical. A lot of mentions of death that, in hindsight helped him actually grieve, and a lot of theories about dark matter and souls. Tim answers back as best he can but he’s drained and his answers aren’t very good in his opinion. He gets minimal feedback.

It all comes to a point that he’s at a family dinner, Bruce is at the head of the table, Jason has promised just to stay for dessert, Damian hasn’t thrown a single insult his way and Steph was laughing at him- when a new theoretical model appears on his arm.

“You’re just as bad as Bruce, Timberly. Hiding a soulmate from all of us, how fucking typical.” Jason points out, while watching Tim scribble back some math with a question mark onto his arm.

“A what? No, this is just a curse. I get pop quizzes every now and then.” Tim bats away Steph who rapidly approaches and began to analyze his arm (the rest of the family isn’t far behind).

“Drake. Explain how you came to this conclusion.” Damian seems more curious than anything, if his lack of insults was anything to go off of.

“Since I was young I’ve had at least weekly math check ins, I never had a parent or anyone else around so I assumed my parents had me cursed to ensure I stayed on top of my studies. Sometimes it’s physics or chemistry, for a while there it was a ton of philosophy and behavioral psychology.” He shrugs his shoulders.

“Master Tim, I believe the lack of adults in your life has led you towards a false conclusion. That is most certainly a soulmate mark. The individual to whom you are responding is undoubtedly your other half.” Alfred attempts to calm the room before explaining to Tim. Tim isnt sure if he believes the butler, though Alfred only very rarely lied, so he grabs the pen once more. He writes his first question back: “Who am I to you?”

The room waits in anticipation and within moments a brand new line appears on Tim’s arm and he is vindicated: “We do math together???”

——

The reason Danny is failing English is because his built in homework helper sucks ass at metaphors and has apparently never read any classic literature. The tutor on his arm is great at puzzles and math tho.

Danny gets a reply back one night that he wasn’t expecting (Who am I to you?) and he mentions it to Jazz. Who goes insane that Danny didn’t even question it and just went with “meh, probably haunted” as his explanation for the phenomenon for all these years.

Apparently, if Jazz was right, he had a soulmate who was uh, super fucking smart. That was an overwhelming thought.

The next day Danny is in crisis mode and writes back “Wait, WHAT AM I TO YOU??? Can I help on your homework??”

Danny gets vindicated when the writing on his arm presents a shit ton of dates and information for an unsolved Gotham cold case. See, Haunted.

———

Eventually between Danny becoming the top candidate for astrophysics at Wayne Enterprises and Tim Drake being outed as having contributed tips to the GCPD that solved cold cases- they meet and realize just how dumb they’ve been.

#dcxdp #dpxdc #dc x dp #dp x dc #danny phantom #dc crossover #dp crossover #long post #braindead ship #brain dead #deadtired ship #tim x danny #soulmate au #soulmate marks #I feel like I really cooked something here #two super smart total dumbasses #in my head then then fall in love and try to pretend that they’ve known this whole time lmao #Tim looks at college level physics questions on his arms as a kid and is like ‘must be a pop quiz’ and then solves them #danny just thinks it looks neat at first but then his haunted arm replies back with actual answers and explanations??? #your honor these two meet in person realize that they are literally soulmates admit no fault and carry on like they’ve always been in love #tim is naturally paranoid and Danny is naturally curious so tim always answers and Danny always asks

[fingertipsmp3]

My sister messaged me

#this woman reaches out once a year maximum and it literally feels like she’s just filling in a quota to make herself feel better #like because she wished me a happy new year i know i’m not going to hear from her on my birthday lol #and every single time i’m just like. why now #i didn’t know you existed until i was 13 and i didn’t meet you until i was 15. we’ve met Twice and your husband talked to me #more than you did. you never attempted to get to know me. you just showed up in the life of a grieving child and then bounced #there was no need for it. right when i could’ve used support you bounced and now that i’m an adult you send these meaningless platitudes #like you don’t get to ignore me for most of my life and then suddenly try to randomly hit me up when i’m an adult. that’s not how it works #also the absolute diatribe of a message she sent my mom last year.. she sent this fucking essay about how she wanted me to meet her kids #(no mention of whether they wanted to meet me or even asking if i wanted to meet them mind you) #and ended it with ‘sending you this because ellen doesn’t have facebook’ uhhhh yes i do?? #she must Know i do because she’s just messaged me on it!! like. #idk if i’m coming off as harsh here but really i just am not inclined to think well of her or give her the benefit of the doubt #she dropped into our dad’s life when she was a teenager; damn near gave him a heart attack because he had no idea she existed #then ghosted him for decades and then showed up four years after he died #visited twice; showed no interest in getting to know me and behaves weirdly #like i know her behaviour hurt my dad. and i just get the vibe that she thought some money might’ve been left to her #like joke’s on her because he died with no life insurance & two months before he was able to collect his pension. so there was bugger all #i also don’t like that she calls me sis. i find it weird and off putting. your kids are both older than me.. i know factually you Are #my half sister but it’s really difficult to see that. and idk. it feels weird to me that she tries to force that connection/nickname #but then makes no effort to BE a sister. it’s like she’s just fixated on the appearance of it #also i want to add that when i lived literally 10 minutes away from her (and she knew) she Never reached out. but now that i’m 3 hours away #it’s back to ‘oh can you meet my kids?’ no! i don’t want to meet your kids. literally what will we say to each other #‘hi i’m your aunt who’s younger than you. yeah your granddad made some odd choices in life’ i don’t need that #i probably am in the wrong here for being annoyed at her for reaching out but the thing is that i already know if i replied she’d go radio #silent on me. so i just don’t see the point of what she’s doing. it really does feel like.. not manipulation #but she only wants a relationship with me when she’s bored and i am not interested in being entertainment #my dad’s side of the family are all like this. they only contact me when they want something and frankly it’s annoying #i do feel like i got ditched as a grieving 11 year old by the people who should’ve helped keep his memory alive tbh. it fucking sucks #personal #rant

[frootloopscereal]

y'know I tried really hard to pick up some new books and find something new to activate my brain but,,,, it's just Not working.

I think. I think rereading harrow the ninth will fix me

#i dont think it will #BUT ORTUS! MY BEST FRIEND ORTUS NIGENAD!!!!!!!!!!! #i am Thinking about adults grieving for the loss of a child's innocence. i am utterly obliterated by the thought. #🤸

[genderkoolaid]

expand on ur "mental asylum Marxism shit" thing about children & grief?? from what you've said im pretty sure i will relate from my own experiences as a grieving child. also it sounds interesting!!

so i was thinking about how weird it is that, when a child has to deal with the death of a loved one, they say something like "no child should have to go through this! no child should have to even think about death!" which strikes me as weird because i was a child who dealt with the deaths of multiple close family members, very close together. the first was my great-grandmother, who i lived with and who was my best friend. death was never foreign to me (my mom has always been very death-positive on top of all that). grief was just part of my life like everything else was.

but i realized that its because people think childhood should not have any flaws. you should be 100% happy and fulfilled all the time. any time a child experiences anything painful, its bad. not "children should have access to love and support," but "children should not have basic life experiences because the idea of childhood being anything other than fluffy purity scares me."

because children in society are fundamentally not people. especially in a society structured around christian beliefs in natural law theory, that what is natural = what is good, healthy, and Divinely commanded. so on top of children being the property of adults, they are also forced to be the symbols of Nature. whatever is the most useful to whoever needs them. which means we built up this idea of children as tabula rasas, pureness incarnate. like a magic mirror where if we look into it, we'll be able to catch a glimpse of the true face of humanity. every single thing children do can be scrutinized for some grand truth about humans as a whole. and then, the ways children are treated also reflect how we think humanity should interact with its own nature.

example: the idea of humanity as inherently sinful and wicked, with that urge needing to be suppressed through state violence (hello hobbes) = the idea that children are annoying and shitty on purpose and need to be forced via punishment into being Good Citizens.

this is also why children cannot be trans, even though all trans people must prove that we were trans children. being queer must be unnatural; and even if not, its inherently sexual, and sexuality is dirty and bad. so children can't be trans, and they also can't read books on puberty until their parents decide when and what exactly they are allowed to learn. child victims of sexual assault only matter to the extent that they can be used as a symbol of a cultural threat; calling Jewish or trans people pedophiles means saying that they are foreigners attacking basic human nature, and indirectly, Divine command. if you aren't the right kind of victim, or when you inevitably reveal yourself to be A Person with complicated experiences and opinions, you are no longer of use to the agenda.

it sucks that bad things happen to anyone. aspects of youth can exacerbate the pain sometimes, but sometimes it does the reverse: I wish I could have spent more time with the family members I lost, but I know other people who are glad they loss family members young, because they weren't really hurt by it. I think the main thing is that, even sometimes when we talk about our past selves, we project this cultural idea of Child As Purity and ignore the actual person having the experience. when we "empathize" with children by projecting Purity onto them, we aren't actually connecting with them.

#m. #ask box #csa tw #youthlib