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very-normal-abt-this · 5 months

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I want talk about how much love was nonverbally expressed *after* their last conversation in S2 Finale. Yes, you heard right. AFTER.

Sure, they ended the conversation completely pissed at each other. Broken hearted. But, like in any solid relationship, they don't hold grudges. Only a few short moments later, all the anger is gone from Aziraphale's face, and the only emotions left are: love, longing, fear, regret. He can barely pay attention to Metatron, because he keeps looking out the window at Crowley. I think I counted 7 times of him turning his head to look. And of course, he is close to changing his mind several times. (BTW, I would *kill* to know what thoughts were going through his mind right before he committed to leaving, right before he said "nothing at all" with that fake smile)

And Crowley. Most humans, when they feel they've been rejected and/or abandoned - they slam the door and they leave in a huff! They don't look back, they get in their car, and drive away as fast they can, possibly with a middle finger pointed in the direction of the offending party. (Unless they're the type of person who would stand by the door, cry and beg them to stay, but obviously that behavior could never be exhibited by Crowley).

But Crowley does not leave. He does not even try to hide in his car. He stands there, intentionally on display, waiting and watching. Why? Because either A) He is not viewing this as a rejection and abandonment, but as a [huge] difference of opinion, so he is not reacting like someone who has just been rejected. Or B) he IS viewing it as rejection, but he loves Aziraphale so much that his main priority is still to make sure that the Angel is safe, regardless of their current relationship status. His love for Aziraphale is literally unconditional. Crowley wants to watch him walk into that elevator with his own eyes, and make sure that he's not doing so under duress. Or there is option C) He is standing there defiantly, to communicate his disapproval and disbelief at what Aziraphale is doing, like "I can't believe you're actually doing this, I have to see this shit with my own eyes to believe it." Or option D) He is hoping to influence Aziraphale to change his mind, because he knows that its incredibly hard for Aziraphale to leave him. Standing there to send a message of "I'm still here. Are you really sure you are okay with being separated?" Or maybe even E) A small part of him wondered if he (Crowley) might change his own mind about going, once he saw Aziraphale actually walking toward the elevator, once he saw that it's actually happening.

I don't think it's option C because of Crowley's facial expression and body language after Aziraphale gets in the elevator. I don't see any anger, frustration, disgust, or judgment there. All I see is...utter despondency, numbness, melancholy, hopelessness. So, I'm thinking its a combination of reasons A, B, and D. Maybe a little E.

And, I wondered the same about Aziraphale. As he is walking to the elevator, he is not acting as someone who is angry at their significant other. I imagine that a lot of people who feel angry after a fight, and feel their partner is completely in the wrong - they would walk into that elevator without looking back at the offending party. They might put on the happiest face and try to hide all traces of negative emotions, just to "stick it to them." But Aziraphale does look back at Crowley. And, this last nonverbal communication with his partner is also very intentional; he wants Crowley to know that he is looking at him on purpose (just as Crowley's behavior of standing by the Bentley and watching him leave is very intentional). Aziraphale stops and makes eye contact with Crowley, right before he walks into the elevator. Just as Crowley, he is trying to send a message with that pause and look. What message? A) "I can't believe you're not coming with me, I'm hurt and disappointed in you." B) "I want you to know that it's very hard for me to do this, I'm torn about it, and I'm thinking about you." C) "I just found out very bad news and you're in danger." Or option D) "I just found out very bad news and I'm definitely going to need your help. I'll be back."

My opinion is that its a combo of B, C, and D. I do not think its A, based on Aziraphale's behavior and emotions right after Crowley walked out.

So, to summarize the point I am making - despite their deficits in communicating with words, Aziraphale and Crowley continue communicating their feelings nonverbally. They remain committed to each other, even in the face of the biggest rift they've ever experienced in their relationship. Their behavior shows that their first priority in the relationship is not "to be right" or "to win the argument." Their priorities are - taking care of each other. Letting each other know that, "no matter what happens, I am here, and I'm thinking about you."

Thanks for reading! please leave a comment.

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very-normal-abt-this · 5 months

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Things Left Unsaid

Aziraphale realized he can't possibly leave Crowley on the note on which their conversation ended. He goes to talk to him, as Crowley stands leaning on the Bentley.

"Did you...change your mind?" Crowley's voice sounded as if he was trying (and failing) to sound nonchalant.

"Erm..no...Not exactly." Aziraphale felt his face getting hot and his stomach turning to knots.

Crowley spat through clenched teeth: "So did you come back to FoRgIvE me some more?"

Aziraphale sighed and looked guilty. "No, of course not...Quite the opposite, actually. I believe it is I who needs forgiveness. That...um...that… was not the right thing to say earlier…given the circumstances. And…err.. it wasn't at all what I actually wanted to say. I'm sorry, Crowley. You… caught me by quite a surprise. Will you please come back to the bookshop so we can talk?"

Crowley stared at Aziraphale for a few moments. "No, Aziraphale. YOU caught me by quite a surprise. If you haven't changed your mind, I don't see what's left to talk about. You made your feelings abundantly clear..."

Aziraphale winced. "That's the thing...I um...I actually didn't. I don't think either of us did. Everything was happening too fast!"

"Angel. I don't know how to express my feelings any clearer than baring my soul to you, the way I did back there."

Aziraphale felt his face getting hot. He looked utterly dejected and avoided eye contact with Crowley. "Well…ehm…I see your point there. And yet...I am still asking you to at least give me another chance to express myself better. I am worried that...it might be the last chance I get to talk to you freely...at least for a while." He glanced over at the coffee shop nervously. "Please Crowley!"

Crowley looked away from the angel and was silent for a long moment. Finally he sighed, and said in a flat voice: "Okay. Fine. But only in honor of the 6000 years we've spent here together. ("which apparently means nothing" he mumbled under his breath). Aziraphale gave him a tentative and grateful smile.

Aziraphale glanced at Crowley furtively as they walked back to the bookshop in complete silence. Crowley walked inside, but stopped close to the entrance, as if to signal that his presence here was tentative and conditional. He crossed his arms and stood perfectly still. His body language was saying "Well?" as he waited for Aziraphale to speak.

Aziraphale's hands were clammy, and he felt like he might actually throw up. How is he supposed to explain his decision to Crowley? What is he to say? How is he supposed to convince him that this decision isn't the deepest betrayal of the Demon's trust, loyalty, and everything they have been through together since the beginning of time? Aziraphale had no answers to any of these questions. He just knew he had to start talking because the clock was ticking.

"Crowley…I am not going to try to convince you to come with me. But...If I'm being quite honest - It is hard for me to understand why you would turn down this opportunity. To have the freedom of doing what we had wished for all these years - throwing out 'politics as usual,' getting rid of the dogma focused on settling an ancient grudge, bringing about a new era focused on appreciating the universe for what it is." Aziraphale's face had a look that conveyed confusion and sadness.

Crowley responded coldly: "The only reason its hard for YOU to understand MY reasons is because you have not experienced Heaven in the way that I have. They don't give "freedom" to anyone. They DON'T like for things to be questioned. And they CERTAINLY don't like change. Remember the day you helped me create the stars and nebulas, do you remember the way I was back then? Have you ever wondered where all that naive excitement and unbridled joy went?" He paused. "I'll tell you where it went. THEY took it from me!" he was jabbing his finger at the sky. "When they threw me away like a discarded…discarded…. I don't know.. discarded old knickers!" Crowley's hands were hanging limply by his sides now. "I think you've gone completely delusional if you've convinced yourself that you can change them 'from the inside' all by yourself!"

"I'm Not delusional." said Aziraphale in an even tone. "And…I was assuming I would NOT be going 'all by myself.' When I said yes to Metatron, I assumed I would have…a…a partner who shares my quest to make changes. "

Crowley said bitterly: "The last time I tried to change things in Heaven...it didn't go so well for me. In case you forgoT." He emphasized the "T" on "forgot," in his typical manner. Aziraphale looked at him, feeling distraught for causing his friend to remember those awful memories. There was no arguing with this statement.

Heavy silence hung in the air as the Angel and the Demon faced each other, with torn expressions on their faces. Suddenly, Crowley started pacing and said: "And also, how exactly do you imagine this…reinstatement to angelhood going for me, hmm? Do you really think I'm just going to Crawl back up there, like a good little angel, and beg THEM for forgiveness, beg THEM for my halo back, with my widdle angel tail between my widdle angel legs -- well then you really don't know me at all!" Crowley was speaking quite loud now: "I will never repent for things that are not evil! I will NEVER repent for asking questions! And I will never repent for not…not having blind faith!" He stopped pacing and faced Aziraphale again. "That's not who I am now, and that's not who I was then. So, If you want me to come back to Heaven -- I don't think its actually ME that you want. You want some fantasy version of me, some version of me you made up in your pretty little head… because...because you can't actually accept me for who I am. Can you Aziraphale? Isn't that why you keep trying to forgive me?" Crowley's mouth was in a tight line, and his face was filled with rejection and hurt.

Aziraphale felt like someone punched him in the gut, his breath was caught in his throat. As he tried to process what Crowley had just said, panicky thoughts filled his head. "Could he be right? Do I want to change Crowley into something he is not? Our relationship would certainly be easier and...more...accepted if Crowley was reinstated..." Suddenly, the memory of Crowley's lips on his, the memory of his closeness and the way he had smelled rushed into the Angel's head. Aziraphale's physical and celestial body ached for this closeness. He knew absolutely that he didn't need for Crowley to be an angel. He knew that he loved him regardless. For thousands of years now, he never doubted that Crowley is someone who is deserving of unconditional love and acceptance.

Aziraphale focused his eyes on Crowley. "I'm glad you shared that with me. Perhaps you are right and I…I am being overly optimistic about what type of reception your return would garner in heaven. And…I am probably being too optimistic about what would be expected from YOU to secure your reinstatement. But…I want to make something perfectly clear. I NEVER thought that you needed to apologize for being who you are at your very core. I love…Your compassion and loyalty… Your curiosity and independence…Your kindness.. Your love for all of Creation." Now Aziraphale was looking at Crowley with that smitten look on his face, with a soft dreamy smile. As usual, the Angel was completely unaware that he was staring. "These qualities that are so natural to you...are so sorely lacking up there."

Crowley appeared to have mixed emotions about Aziraphale's compliments. He looked embarrassed, annoyed, and very slightly pleased. He looked at the floor and mumbled: "Well…still think you're naïve. Or grandiose. Heaven has not changed since the beginning of time. What makes you think THIS time will be any different..."

Aziraphale felt a twinge of irritation at Crowley's unshakable nihilism. "Forgive me for saying this, but...honestly Crowley, aren't you a bit naïve for thinking that we can make any real changes while hiding our heads in the sand here on Earth? Or...or on some other planet?" He paused. "Your proposition to um..." Aziraphale's throat felt very dry suddenly. "To go off...Together." The Angel's voice got quiet. Crowley froze in his spot. Aziraphale glanced at Crowley nervously and quickly looked away. "Its quite...well its quite tempting. It was tempting 4 years ago…and even more so now." Aziraphale was quiet for a moment lost in thought, as if weighing the offer again in his mind. Crowley swallowed.

Aziraphale continued. "But Crowley…no matter where we go, or where we hide…This peaceful existence we carved out for ourselves here on Earth, it won't last. Nothing ever does. Unless things change." Aziraphale glanced up towards the ceiling. "You know as well as I do that, sooner or later, they will try to implement another Apocalyptic event as they chase their obsession to have their war. You said it to me yourself 4 years ago- the Armageddon we thwarted wasn't the Big One. The Big One will be Earth against Heaven and Hell. And if I'm up there, keeping an eye on their plans…I think that would greatly improve Earth's chances of survival, don't you?" Crowley's insides jumped as he remembered what he saw during his little field trip to Heaven just a few hours ago. They ALREADY tried to set up another Armageddon. Aziraphale was right about that...

Now, Aziraphale was looking at Crowley with a desperate look on his face and his lip seemed to be trembling: "And I, for one, would have a really hard time enjoying...ehm...being…us, while being fully aware of the expiration date hanging over our heads!"

Crowley sighed and took off his glasses. He stared at the ground, then looked up at Aziraphale. The demon looked tired and defeated. After a few moments of silence, he offered a quiet and half hearted retort: "Well...it still coulda been nice...even with the expiration date. I mean...Shouldn't we just enjoy what we have while we have it? To live in the moment and suCH..." He trailed off because he knew what the answer will be.

Aziraphale walked over to Crowley and stood close to him. The Angel looked at his friend with an expression filled with sorrow and love. As usual, Aziraphale was admiring the demon's sharp features, his shining bright eyes, his perfect hair. He desperately wanted to reach out and touch Crowley, but he did not dare. "I truly don't think we can...Not anymore." Aziraphale took in an audible breath before continuing. "These last few years, after the Armageddon, have been...some of the best years of my life. And...continuing to do that, staying here…with you…would be so SO much easier, and astronomically more pleasant than leaving...without you. But I…I strongly believe there is a reason this opportunity is being presented to us now. Maybe even some sort of an...Ineffable…reason."

Crowley continued to look at Aziraphale with a pained look on his face. The angel felt like he was sealing his own fate, as he said the next sentence. His own voice sounded muffled and distant to him. "Crowley...this is something I feel completely and utterly compelled to do. Just as for you, the idea of coming back to heaven feels like going against everything YOU are at your core. For me - NOT taking this opportunity to Try. Try and fix things once and for all...it would be going against everything that I am at MY core. Can't you see that?" His face was filled with guilt, love, sadness, and fear.

By now, Crowley had admitted to himself that Aziraphale was right in some ways. At least in the fact that heaven and hell will never cease trying to act out their joint Armageddon fetish. They'll never stop trying to resolve their ancient grudges against one another. Not unless some kind of new vision, or new "plan" has been created and spoon fed to them. And who is better for the task of creating a more...*Earth -friendly* plan, than a being who has been a protector of humans from the very beginning, often at his own expense. Someone who loves Earth and everything it has to offer- people, music, food, books, dancing, little restaurants where they know you, parents who love their children, champagne, magic?! Someone who understands the beauty of creation, and sees an intrinsic value in its existence, as opposed to viewing it only as a means to An End.

Finally Crowley spoke: " 'M sorry I called you an idiot earlier…" He exhaled. "I still think it’s a suicide mission, and I still think you're delusional for taking this on. Yes I understand, It's who you are, etcetera and all that…But. It just…Ngk..." Crowley made a frustrated noise and ran his fingers through his hair while looking up. "It just really stings that…even after 6000 years, even after everything we've been through, your devotion to Heaven and Earth is still...You're still…" He swallowed. "You always choose them over me."

Hearing these words, Aziraphale's expression changed to that of disbelief with an undercurrent of low level horror. Something heavy dropped into his stomach, while something sharp broke into a million tiny pieces in his chest. What a cruel and tragic world...in which his best friend actually believes he is not important enough…

Aziraphale finally felt brave enough to touch Crowley, he needed to touch him. He reached out and took Crowley's hand into both of his. Crowley glanced down at their intertwined hands, and back up to the angel's face, trying (and failing) to control his emotions. Aziraphale looked intently and tenderly into the fallen angel's eyes and spoke: "My dear friend. Don't you see that the reason I care so deeply about these things is BECAUSE of you. You're the one who showed me that creation is precious and worth saving. You're the one who showed me that we must protect it from...Them. You're the one who taught me that we must allow it to unfold into whatever beautiful design it was meant to become." Now both of them had tears their eyes. "Crowley. All I want is...All I've ever so desperately wanted is to watch this Universe unfold through the ages, and through all of eternity. With YOU by my side." A tear rolled down Crowley's cheek, and Aziraphale reached up and gently wiped it with his thumb. Crowley said in a low raspy voice: "That's all I've ever wanted, Angel."

Two eternal beings stood frozen in time, in a bookshop, somewhere on Earth. Their eyes locked, hands touching, insides trembling.

At that moment, the door burst open and Metatron walked in. Aziraphale discreetly let go of Crowley's hand and turned to face Metatron. "It is time, Aziraphale." Metatron announced. "I'm ready," Aziraphale said, and forced a small polite smile on his face. "Excellent! Then let us away!" exclaimed Metatron and turned to leave. Aziraphale followed him. He turned back to take one last look at Crowley, who appeared smaller somehow, and was looking rather shellshocked. Their eyes met and Aziraphale bathed in their golden yellow light for one last moment. Then he followed Metatron out of the bookshop.

As the door shut behind them, the sound of it shook Crowley out of his trance. He walked over to a chair and collapsed into it. He slowly put on his sunglasses and wiped his cheek with his hand. The demon wondered for the hundredth time if he was being unreasonable for rejecting Aziraphale's offer; for letting him go off on his own into that nest of toxicity. Bloody Angel…How is he supposed to protect him now?

Aziraphale walked into the elevator to Heaven. As he watched the doors shut, he felt an unbearable force clenching down on his heart. He thought about what (and who) he was leaving behind. He wondered for the hundredth time whether his decision would turn out to be a horrible and irreversible mistake.

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