#going to school and actually doing things in general fucks with my mental health lmao

[wh0r3r4ngh43]

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⇢ ˗ˏˋ Hiii! Welcome to my (very fucking new) blog ^^

Imma be so fr rn, I’ve been an avid tumblr user for years but I have a shitton to learn when it comes to running a fanfic/writing page. So please, be patient with me ˃ᴗ˂

As if right now, I’m pretty low on ideas so feel free to send any requests on the button that’s in my bio <3

Rules (so far, I’ll be adding more later):

𝄞𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈⭒♬ ﾟ. 𝄞𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈⭒♬ ﾟ. 𝄞𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈⭒♬ ﾟ. 𝄞𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈

1. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!!! ➜ I’ll probably be writing a lot of smut, and I’d be deathly uncomfortable if a minor interacted with any of those posts…or just my posts in general. I’ll most likely check profiles for the age in your bio! Minor=Blocked.

2. I’m going to be mainly focusing on SEVENTEEN (occasionally BTS). Though, if you have a request on a member from another group, I’d be happy to try and write something about them.

3. As far as smut goes—I’m perfectly happy to write content that revolves around BDSM/Kinks etc. Though, please note that I will most likely not do anything that’s very extreme and I’ll NOT be writing things such as: Petplay, Age-play, anything involving animals (such as hybrid stuff n etc), piss/shit/vomit kinks, anything to do with gore & ACTUAL rape (CNC kink can be fine unless it’s too extreme), and uhhhh…that’s all I can remember right now but I’ll be adding more later!

4. When sending a request pls make sure to specify the genre that you wish for me to write it in (for example: smut, angst, fluff, etc etc), so that I know more specifically what you want me too write ^^. Please also specify the reader’s gender n etc. As for smut, do specify things such as petnames and things such as the specific kinks or sexual acts that you want me to include. I wanna try my best to make it as good as possible for you, so I’d really appreciate a few details so that I don’t end up writing something that you don’t enjoy <3

5. This is safe place for people of any race, gender, sexuality etc. NO discrimination or hate toward groups of people (unless it’s towards racist bigots and such lmao) will be tolerated! No extremist beliefs such as religion and right-winged politics pls! Just be nice n chill here.

6. Please note: I’m a person who has AuDHD (both Autism and ADHD). I’m struggling to finish my last year of school (12th year) without failing + dealing with bad mental health. So, just pls be patient :) It might take me awhile to post or complete some requests, but I promise that I’m trying my best. Mwah ᥫ᭡.

I think that’s all as of right now, but I’ll be updating this <3

✰ ✰ ✰ About me ✰ ✰ ✰

𝄞𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈⭒♬ ﾟ. 𝄞𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈⭒♬ ﾟ. 𝄞𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈⭒♬ ﾟ. 𝄞𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈

#svt fanfic #svt x reader #seventeen smut #seventeen fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #mdni #fanfic writing #scoups smut #jeonghan smut #joshua smut #hoshi smut #jun smut #minghao smut #seungkwan smut #vernon smut #dino smut #dk smut #woozi smut #wonwoo smut #mingyu smut #Spotify

[immunologies]

look at my land developer dawg i’m going to jail 😫

lmao hiiii everyone! i’m anwar (not hadid) + always writing for underused model fcs but anywhooo — thank god for reopening bc i was supposed to app during the first launch but i was on vacation so my activity would’ve flopped real bad BUT… I’M HERE NOW… a lil jet lagged still but fuck it we ball :’) i present to you: iida!

navigate: general info / about / pinterest

sparknotes!

tw / suicide

okawara yosuke, 33 (proud twink death survivor btw he left that long haired era behind in his mid 20s), born and raised in fukuoka prefecture so you know he’s a bearer of the masculinized stereotype that kyushu men have but surprisingly his ego isn’t as fragile as i would expect it to be — i wonder why?

lower middle class to middle class financial status for the entirety of his childhood / it’s one of those things where as a kid you’re like “well, this is it” because you’re not fully aware that your family doesn’t have money on top of being surrounded by other kids who, in return, also come from families without bands so it is what it is / it can’t be that bad when your necessities have always been met

tbh there’s not much to write home about in terms of his childhood as in it was fortunately(?) uneventful for the most part despite starting off rocky: his mom was barely twenty when she birthed him, two freshly married young adults rushed into the hard-bitten chaos of childrearing, do they resent bro in absence of trying to enjoy the beginnings of their married life? probably, but it doesn’t matter by the time his younger brother is born, soo la voo or whatever the french be saying (tiktok reference btw if ur uncool)

yosuke is your average kyushu boy growing up: he spends his time outside rather than inside with his head in the books (it’s the same shit his teachers would always say about his lack of potential, ie: he’s lazy), has boyish fights with his younger and complete opposite of a younger brother, tries his best not to piss off his stay-at-home mom and stay away from his chronically emotionally constipated aviation mechanic drunk for a dad, you get the idea

…UNTIL the voices started to become apparent more than ever and he tells his mother who dismisses it but is reminded of her grandfather who unalived himself from alleged schizophrenia but nobody in her family knows if he ever got tested for it (y’know, if it was a genetic hereditary thing) or if it was just the aftermath of unresolved trauma/ptsd because grandpa fought in the war (you know which war) NOBODY KNOWS A GODDAMN THING. except yosuke as a child hated going to see his relatives in the far village/countryside on his mom’s hick side

lmao but when yosuke told his mom “yeah girly pop dad’s gonna have a shitty liver if he doesn’t stop drinking so much in the next couple years or so” is when she drops his ass off at a mental health facility so she definitely prioritizes her man over a kid that she wasted her 20s raising! (she’s definitely an unevolved libra no shade to yall sorry) but anywho! he’s diagnosed at 17, life is looking brighter(?), but his “schizophrenia” isn’t something talked about much at home because let’s be serious. it’s fucking abe shinzo’s japan at the time, we do not talk about shit like this

yosuke goes on to carry two jobs after high school because his parents didn’t save a college tuition fund for his lazy, non-academically inclined ass so it’s up to him to be the architect of his future / he’s psyched about entering the aviation department of kyoto university after working his ass off by trying to build a humble living but somebody’s bored and filthy rich daughter from a zainichi korean family comes into his life and what does he do? say goodbye to the ol’ pilot dream and traps this woman so he won’t ever have to worry about money like his family did

mind you he actually had love for the old girl! but he’s a gemini and gemini men get bored when you’re not their outstanding type or half as witty or clever as he may be. he knows that he’s settling for what poor lee jiyoung can do for him so after dating in college, yosuke goes on to marry the woman but never goes on to tell her about his “schizophrenia” because he’s scared that it’ll ruin his marriage (spoiler alert: it did)

so uh *scratches head and turns the page* they end up divorcing because his condition worsened as a result of his body becoming “immune” to the medications because he never had schizophrenia in the first place (ie: iida canon) — and he tried saving the relationship for the sake of his position at tk group, he really did, but at the end of the day he’s just some penniless, opportunistic man who failed to completely use up his wife’s beneficiaries. but again, he’s a gemini man who’s good at playing the part of using his “mental health” as a crutch of their failed marriage instead of being exposed for taking advantage of his ex-wife financially

(trust me he’d rather be that Type of Shitty instead of portrayed as the Exploitative Type of Shitty because it gets some pity points on his end. believe the scheme!)

so now? okawara yosuke takes up the tk group’s little passion project proposal with goero because it’s a chance at redemption. he needs to prove one way or another that he’s worthy of his job, that he’s the right man for it, his undying loyalty to the corp (questionable :3), and he’s taken the more political and diplomatic approach of gravitating/winning the trust or appeal to goero’s inhabitants instead of the founding families ‘cause his coworker’s already doing that anyways — he understands his shortcomings as a foreigner (more so as a japanese guy telling yall what to do with the land so goero can prosper financially and commodity-speaking for trade.. and commerce..) so if he can strengthen his morale to the people even if it doesn’t mean the quota won’t be met — yosuke would prefer that for the sake of ethics. he will promise the residents of goero that much: business or not.

that is all. i think. :-) i’ll be yapping for specifics on discord if needed be

personality!

likes to think of himself as an ambivert over being written off as an extrovert which is kinda true? despite being a professional yapper with those he’s suuuuper comfortable with, he finds that people who don’t match or vibe with him tire him out very quickly / genuinely a very friendly person and is emotionally inhibited probably as a result of his career where logic/numbers/analytics are concerned so yosuke prefers to focus on reason over the “possibilities” … even tho he would like to be that optimistic / isn’t one to have an extreme temper, but can be prone to outbursts if incompetence is in question / really. really. hates the notion of being black-or-white on many matters as life usually puts him in the grey area so. u know. atm doesn’t have any ulterior motives because he doesn’t have it in him anymore to be evil or whatever. he ran out of plans. just trying do the right thing from here on out, so, let him help you! bro’s probably a lawful neutral man i know i’m sorry for being boring :/ c’est la vie

connections!

i prefer brainstorming over anything and i’m down for just about everything so hit me

#trrors:int

[loafbud]

how naive i was to assume not having a job/no college for 7 years after highschool graduation would give me enough freedom to feel inspired, live life and pursue my creative endeavors

it's made me the complete opposite

lazy, uninspired to take action, sleepy, not mentally stimulated...

im here wondering why my life's been so stagnant, why i missed out on having "core experiences" in my early 20s (having irl friends/a job/house/etc, going out to travel, etc), feeling like the world's spinning and its leaving me behind, like its already too late for me to do anything to enjoy life

I have creative projects i just..... sat on, let them live in my head and imagination for years, that I haven't acted on yet because i..... idek the reason, its like this:

i have all the mental energy to get hyped about my projects, freely imagine them in my head, seeing a future for those ideas- but in terms of actually doing it??? im just unable to have the physical drive to pursue those.

so when ppl tell me to "get up and just do it already- dont think, just do or else you'll never make progress"..... it doesn't motivate me, neither does it actually get me excited to do it

if you were to tell me "hey vinyl, u graduated hs now time to go to college!!" in the years immediately after graduation, id fucking cringe and just lock myself in the room.. hs was a hellscape that socially negatively affected my mental health, so my introverted ass going thru another academia experience with social anxiety & being around the same kind of energy was the last thing on my mind

but now that I've wasted my early 20s doing nothing with my life, I finally realize what i need to do to make it out

and after 7 years missing out life, when i think about doing (online) college, i actually get fucking excited??? in a good way?????? i cant wait to fuckin flip thru textbooks and take notes bro, to (for the first time in my life) set myself a schedule and actually take academics seriously, to have fully online asynchronous courses so i could learn at my own pace

to finally give my life that work/play balance. because 7 years of my life's been nothing but 100% play (ex: doing hobbies, gaming, lazing around, sleeping, etc), and i have no one but myself to blame for that

(i know i mentioned me finally choosing to go to a community college weeks ago, i still haven't applied yet but i will before the year ends lmao- i just dont wanna rush into it, i wanna prepare)

....but then idk,, to say 7 years of my life was a complete and utter joke/huge waste isn't entirely true... im constantly learning about myself and those years definitely played a big part in my self-discovery and just see how my beliefs have changed thru time

uhhh yeah

tl;dr- as a 25-year-old artist with 7+ years of a no work/no school life + living w/ my parents my whole life, I've gotten absolutely zero shit done on creative projects and no forward progress in my life in general, so im going into my college/work era

the position I've been in for those years helped me grow as a person internally, but this era i was in has already served its purpose so its time for me to start a new chapter or smthn

#rant #ramble

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

"Yeah, but you can't quit!"

"I got yelled at, got my ass kicked, and then gave him my money! You know who lives like that? Hookers."

"Yeah, but he's not that bad a guy! You gotta give him a chance. You don't know him like I do."

"...that's hooker talk."

***

Hey so remember when I said the winner of the GOAT Miguetri Moment poll would get a thing???

WELL I AM A WOMAN OF MY WORD DAMMIT

I realized I've never actually made these two a friendship moodboard and that!!! Will not stand, dammit!!!

Anyways their S1 dynamic was/is so important to me. Cute lil idealist Miguel truly believing Johnny Lawrence can solve all problems and cynical defeatist Demetri who has the only brain cell and is like "hey, this dude shat on my other best friend for something he can't help, embarrassed me for trying to defend him, AND I had to pay him??? At least I don't gotta cash out to Kyler." Dude's got a point, honestly. I'd get hazed out of Cobra Kai SO fast, and my parents would be like "thank god, those lessons were expensive" XD Demetri bby never let anyone shame you for making financially smart decisions that are also good for your mental health!!!

And the subtext of Demetri kinda trying to look out for Miguel and steer him away from idolizing this disaster man who peaked in high school??? Like I think I mentioned this on a previous post, but the way he tries to give Miguel the wake-up call Demetri thinks he needs and encourages him not to bend over backwards for people who (at least from what Demetri's seen!) don't treat him or people in general very well is kind of adorable. Like of course Demetri's being cheeky and smug and sarcastic about it, but he's basically saying that Miguel deserves better than Johnny and should respect/value himself a little more!

And Miguel, my beautiful hopeful babygirl Miguel Diaz <3 <3 <3 Like he believes in Demetri's potential long after Demetri's clearly given up on himself??? And tbh I've never read this scene as Miguel being annoyed Demetri trusts Miguel to protect him from bullies (like that's what you do for your friends lmao. And Miguel would in a heartbeat if he needed to because he's a loyal mf!!!). If anything, he seems worried about what Demetri's gonna do when he's not around and can't scare Kyler off and frustrated that Demetri's just dismissing his own potential that fast. Miguel clearly has 0 issue looking out for Demetri when the cards are down, considering how he talked to Johnny about Kreese punching him and readily sided with him after the Arm Break Incident.

Also something I've already mentioned in other posts, I'm sure, but the fact that a) Demetri completely trusts Miguel to protect him from bullies and implies he would do so with no hesitation and b) they're close enough friends after a few months max that they can comfortably walk with their arms brushing and casually give each other little affectionate platonic touches (most notably this little shoulder slap thing they do) is the cutest fucking thing on earth. This friendship is so slept on. Like every time I think about them I wanna cry because they're so fucking ride or die and they've easily had the most wholesome, loyal, and unproblematic friendship in the entire show and WHY aren't more people talking about them??? Any disagreements they have really ARE in the vein of "ugh you're so wrong never talk to me again for 10 minutes but then I have karate gossip I wanna tell you." I love them so much.

THEY ARE BESTIES YOUR HONOR

An argument could also be made that these two have a closer and healthier friendship than Miguel & Eli ever did and I ain't kicking that hornet's nest today but perhaps I will someday :3

"Wanna be my best friend and then judge me" also just. PERFECTLY captures their friendship XD SO much mutual judgment going on in this scene and I am LIVING for it.

Went for a red, blue, green, and white-ish color scheme for this to match their clothes and the bg! Hopefully it came out okay.

As always, pic credits available upon request!

#Miguetri Mondays #demetri alexopoulos #demetri cobra kai #miguel diaz #aesthetic #moodboard #cobra kai #cobra kai season 1

[yurimage]

I’ve seen one too many advice for freshman TikToks that had god awful advice (yeah I’m talking about the don’t make eye contact with sophomores video) so I’m putting my own advice out there. These are all things I wish I understood as a freshman and now I’m a senior so idk I feel like I’m qualified to say this :/

Older people will tell you high school is like the best years of your life, and that’s true for a lot of people but not for everyone; if it’s miserable for you, that’s alright! High school is a unique environment that is never seen again in your lifetime, it doesn’t work for everyone, but that doesn’t mean college or life beyond that won’t work for you

Join clubs you’re interested in even if you think other people will judge you for it. Clubs like GSA or anime/video game clubs get a bad rep but you’ll meet super cool people you actually like and have a lot in common with so join them anyway, the benefits vastly outweigh any negative outcomes

Don’t take AP classes that you’re not interested in, they’re way harder than a lot of people think so if you don’t like the subject, you’ll just be miserable all year. Also don’t take AP classes just because you feel like you have to or because of how competitive some people are about them, that’s definitely not a good reason to take on that kind of workload

Eat lunch at school, a lot of people wait until they get home to eat but it makes later classes more difficult than they need to be. I used to spend lunches studying in the library because I thought it was a good use of my time, but it was just miserable. Even if all you have is a snack to last you the final few hours, that’s better than nothing; take care of yourself in general tbh

If you take a class and then realize like a week or two in that you hate it, just drop it! If it’s a graduation requirement, take an easier version of the class but if it isn’t, you don’t have to stay. There’s no shame in leaving a class because it’s too hard, or you have no friends in it, or the teacher is awful

If you don’t like PE, it’s perfectly okay to just do the bare minimum; coaches will greatly favor the athletic kids and they might even be a little biased against the non-athletic kids when it comes to grades, but the bare minimum as long as you participate will get you like a C or B and it doesn’t even weigh into your GPA that much

Definitely look into accommodations at your school if you have mental health issues, a learning disability or are neurodivergent (i.e. ADHD). Schools (at least in my state) have 504 plans that can get you extra test time or homework extensions; just ask your counselor if you think you’ll need it, your teachers are legally obligated to follow these accommodations

On a related note, high school classism is such bullshit and the only people who really care about it are sophomores and some juniors; hardly any senior is going to look down on you for being a freshman (atp we just don’t care lmao). Just don’t let it get to you next year, even if this year’s sophomores and juniors give you a hard time, don’t give the same treatment to next year’s freshmen

Don’t take a zero period if you don’t have to, doing brain work that early in the morning is fucking awful. Also, if you DO take a zero period, don’t take a 7/6th period (depending on what the last period is at your school). I did that last year and it was miserable being at school for nine hours a day

Just do the things you like or think you’ll enjoy, it’s always good to keep up with your hobbies/extracurriculars or try anything once. Similarly, if you don’t like something, don’t do it; you don’t have to take all APs or join a sports team because your parents want you to, do what YOU want because after high school, it’s all up to you

Anyways, high school is basically what you make of it so just say “fuck it we ball” and stay on top of your priorities whether they be academic, athletic, artistic or social

#sorry for the long post lol I just felt like giving my two cents on this #long post #how do I tag this brah #uhh #advice #high school #high school advice #school advice #fuck it idc #zelle.txt

[hshouse]

Umm so I think we might be going into the same field but like i just started grad school a month ago and I'm struggling so fcking hard keeping up with all the work (my adhd meds are NOT doing the job i need them to be doing) and socially i have not clicked with ANYONE and I feel so intimidated and isolated and I know I stick out not talking to anyone bc EVERYONE in my section is always talking to someone and people have already started forming groups and made friends but I just dont know how to I guess??? Idk but I feel like im 8 years old again with no friends which is a bizarre fucking feeling to have at 23. But like its BAD and I can't even speak up in the classes that don't cold call and ask for volunteers even though I want to do well so badly bc I feel so fucking small amongst all these people. I just kind of completely shut down as soon as I walked into the first day of orientation and haven't recovered from that.

And like I'm so fucking scared to start working bc even though i took two years off from undergrad I'm so burnt out already and jumping straight into the corporate world seems terrifying for my mental health (and general health tbh) but like going into PI isn't really an option bc if I'm going to go through with this I NEED to be making money to make it worth it and I guess what I'm trying to ask is like does this shit actually get better??? bc I'm highkey spiraling and have been since I started school and I honestly don't know if I'd be better off dropping out and going back to teaching even though I'll be absolutely broke and living at home for the foreseeable future or if I should just stick it out and be able to afford to support my parents and fucking take my siblings to disneyland for the first time. Like i knew this was gonna be hard but I guess it's just hitting me actually being here how fucking miserable I am and just I dont know. Sorry for dumping all this on you 😬 I guess I'm just wondering if you have any advice? Like I'm so scared I'm not gonna make it, like I'm not cut out for this field and am just gonna get absolutely crushed by it. And like I know that on paper I'm fucking smart af and definitely deserve to be here, like I'm at a fucking ivy league rn, they wouldn't let me in if they didn't think I'd make it. I just am finding it very hard to believe that I'm actually going to have a successful career if I'm struggling this bad at the very start.

Also idk how tf you went to school in a completely different country, like MAJOR props to you bc that must have been SO fucking hard. I'm struggling with moving across the country to a state where I know absolutely no one, but at least I know one of my siblings is an hour flight away and the rest of my family/friends are an 8 hr flight away. You should be VERY proud of yourself (I'm sure you are) bc I've only been in grad school for a month and this shit is SO HARD to handle and like fuck you're almost done with it and about to start your career and that shit is fucking AMAZING and BADASS and I genuinely wish you all the fucking success in your future

Hi bby,

Oh we are definitely doing the same thing. Thank you for the wonderful compliments, I really really appreciate it. And congrats on getting in!

I’m sure you know that this is the hardest year. It also has NO no NOOO bearing on your talent for the job. First thing they tell you at the job orientation is “nothing you learned in grad school will be useful here.” Shdjsh it’s a completely different thing that is muuuuuch more enjoyable than the boring ass stuff you are learning rn. For me it felt very much like year 1 is one program and years 2&3 are a totally different thing. Once you get your job during summer 1, all bets are off lmao. You just need to finish the thing. So really the pressure is only for 1 year. So that helps with the mindset of like “I only need to get to May.” In terms of getting the job, I have to be honest: they only care about your school. I had straight Bs and got like a major one. On the first group of the rank if you know what I mean. So go into knowing that you WILL get an offer and most likely many. I always tell people that getting into the school is the last real hurdle. Now, you just ride the wave. Once you get the job you will really feel like it’s done.

About the job itself, there is genuinely no better job out there. Yes it is a shit show in terms of commitment and amount of work but it is absolutely disproportionally well compensated. Like in a bizarre way. You will not get fired (unless you like assault a person etc). So you have this job kind of for life? It’s extremely secure. Do not get intimidated by it. It’s mostly you alone on your computer lmao it’s lit. You are so close to this DO NOT drop out. It is worth it. The money will change your family’s life. It will change your life for ever. Even if you leave at one point.

You are the same age I was and I get the vibe. It’s annoying but *none of it matters*. I just treat it like its drivers ed lmao. I’m there to be able to do the thing. I don’t care about yall wihdishshs. Speaking in class is meaningless and getting it wrong is like whatever. Do you care when ppl get it wrong? I barely notice it. So I think shifting your mindset from “this is undergrad 2.0” to “this is a prep course I am in and out of here” really helped me. I felt very alone during year 1. But as soon as year 2 starts everyone gets shuffled around so that cliquey feeling goes away massively.

I hope this helps! Pls come back if you have more questions as you move through the stages. But I promise you, you are in the worst part of it. Hang in there!!!!!

[quarantinedinabaddream]

since twt is being a bitch and locked me out of both my accs for god knows what reason i’m gonna rant here bc mostly no one will see it which is kinda what i want so i’ll start w the twt thing i know it shouldn’t bother me this much but it is bc it’s triggering my ocd (would love to be normal for once btw) and i need to start using it less if i get my accs back that is (which i’ll hopefully i guess) bc i’m clearly getting too attached to a fucking social media site only bc i can talk to people on there who kinda get me??? like what happened to having actual irl friends this is frustrating lmao but then also i don’t like anyone i meet irl so maybe i’m the problem. second thing it’s 3:30 in the morning rn and i’ve an exam tomorrow well today technically and it’ll start from 8ish so i’ll have to leave by 7:15 and for that i’ll have to wake up by 6:30 max and i can’t sleep clearly which is a huge problem and i’m now also thinking abt how i just need a break from evth like i simply need evth to stop but it’s really not a like uh i can’t even skip school bc of the exam so that’s clearly not a viable option and it’s so annoying bc i’m really tired and i just can’t deal w anything anymore damnit like in general too like i’m trying so hard right now but school is just getting too much and even tho there’s only like 4 more months left of it (and then tons of exams) i still feel like i can't to do this anymore cause the stress is literally consuming me and i’m not sure if i’ll make it to graduation (and i’m not even sure if i want if i’m being really honest) because my mental health is literally on a downward spiral but then again it feels like it has always been and now i’m kinda losing track and i also don’t know why i decided to write this here but the point i just really really need evth to stop i don’t wanna deal with any of this it hurts so so much and i just fckin need it to stop uh anyway i need to sleep and this might be getting concerning so i’ll stop and go try to sleep i guess

#rant #if you happened to stumble upon this then i’d suggest ignoring it thanks

[retphienix]

Anyways now that it's been long enough to fully sit on my first playthroughs of FFTA and FFTA2 as a longtime mega fan of FFT I can (maybe) more coherently say my opinions.

FFT fucking rules.

War of the Lions is like 51% an improvement and 49% "This dialogue is lesser now, actually and this new thing is meh" and fucking rules.

FFTA kinda chugs, not a fan, but I think it's a solid "entry to trpg gameplay" game, I just disagree that FFT was the universe to cannibalize and repurpose for that.

It doesn't even benefit from name recognition due to having an entirely different customer demographic (FFT aimed for more mature TRPG fans, FFTA aimed at children who were new to TRPGs).

Kinda just feels like they chose FFT because they didn't want to come up with a new name to express that it was "FF but TRPG" but then because they chose FFT as the name they decided to also steal the name Ivalice for entirely meaningless reference bait.

I still think the story is meh but in the context of "Game meant for kids to play at recess / after school for short bursts" I think it's actually entirely alright and has recognizable characters to follow through a narrative that would likely be diced up on a billion play sessions in its hayday. In the context of that it makes a lot of sense that so many characters are gratuitously one note or do rash things that even a child would think is ridiculous- they needed to stand out so you remember who "pink hair girl" is etc.

So I think it's poo poo but I think it's decent poo poo, it's "Good enough for the gameplay it is meant to carry and for the audience it was built for (both in terms of demographic and in terms of expected playstyle (recess in short bursts etc))" and also, I think that intended fit of being recognizable and memorable for a playthrough that might take a hundred short sessions to complete- can be really beneficial for giving players really positive feelings towards the characters and events as you'll hold onto their mental image and apply your own assumptions and the like to things in between sessions etc.

Also gameplay is not great in my opinion, but it IS simple which makes it a good entry point.

FFTA2 is just FFTA but better in my opinion lmao. Mostly.

The story isn't as "heavy" as FFTA in general tone (TA has some health issues going and some 'I gotta convince my friends to go home!' stuff going on), but in my opinion it takes the tone it aims for (silly adventure with minor stakes) and kinda runs with it.... mostly.

Like 70% of it felt nice, then it slowed down a bit too much, then it picked up really nicely. I enjoyed it.

Also gameplay felt much better, perhaps due to more items being showered on the player to learn more interesting skills more often, not sure. They also stepped back from judges quite a bit which I genuinely believe was entirely the correct decision. Judges are stupid.

The "mostly" is mostly in reference to how differently they played the progression structure, the whole questing thing and "Let's do jobs for the heck of it!" and the emphasis on having 100 (or so) quests that you can do was both really good for pick up and play and also meant there wasn't much meaningful going on through most of the game lol

So it played to its own strengths, but it also meant most of your playtime was like "I'm gonna go kill some plant monsters for some pocket change!" except that's a MAIN quest objective and getting the pocket change and then deciding to do yet another meaningless quest is the main story narrative most of the time lol

So yeah.

FFT great

FFT War of the lions great

FFTA fine

FFTA 2 pretty good actually

Yippee!

#final fantasy tactics #FFT #RetPlays

[mosspapi]

(TW for health issues, self harm, and general emotionally-charged ranting lmao. I just need to scream into the void /g)

God I'm actually so fucking sick and tired of having mental health issues caused by my fucking immune system. I was doing so fucking well last year. I thought things were looking up for the first time in my life. And then I got fucking strep again in March and it's all been downhill since then. And then I got strep AGAIN in August and AGAIN in November and it all just keeps getting fucking worse. And it feels like there's nothing I can do about it because it's not actually a fucking mental health issue. None of the fucking techniques and therapies and coping strategies I have amassed over my 7+ years with dozens of therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists will make me stop wanting to cut myself anymore because I DONT FUCKING WANT TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. But my immune system is trying to destroy my fucking brain stem so it's sending me signals I don't actually feel and cannot make go away because. As I said. THEYRE NOT FUCKING THERE. I have no REASON to wanna cut myself. I don't want this anymore. I thought I'd gotten over it for the most part by the end of high school. Sure, there's been some instances in between but we're talking like one singular cut a year. But it's been half the fucking thoughts in my head for the last 4 months straight and I'm fucking relapsing almost fucking daily because all my wires are crossed internally and there's nothing anyone can fucking do about it. So now I just have to fucking sit here, with my brain yelling at top volume about how desperately I need to reinvent bloodletting because surely that will cure me, with no way to make it stop because it's not even me OR my brain doing it. It's my fucking immune system. It's fucking unbelievable. And it's not even like I can talk to anyone about it because nobody fucking understands it. Not in the dramatic angsty "woe is me nobody gets me except my hair" way. Like literally none of my friends family classmates neighbors therapists doctors or myself have any clue how my fucking disease works because it's under-researched and half the doctors don't even believe it exists in the first place. So why would I tell people "hey my immune system is telling me to cut myself can you give me some support" when that just makes me sound even more fucking unhinged than everyone already thinks I am and will just get me fucking institutionalized which we all know does more harm than good. God. I'm so fucking over my body dude can I get a fucking refund on this shit or did the warranty expire once I was birthed

#fuck me dude. I'm exhausted. #like. #It's one thing to deal with self harm urges when you're feeling self destructive or trying to punish yourself or trying to express your #emotions somehow. It's an entirely different ballpark when there's literally nothing there at all but you can't stop doing it because #you're basically destroying yourself from the inside out on a cellular level. #and because it won't kill you or do any Major damage. youre expected to just be fine and act like nothing is happening to you #but you're fucking sick. your body doesn't work. and it keeps doing all these things that seem unrelated but all come back to the fact that #your immune system is rejecting the very concept of you being alive. #armchair speaks #sh tw #sh mention #tw vent #vent post

[twoheaddeddog]

Mental health is so bad rn im questioning if it's ever been good. I was excited to graduate school and start the rest of my life but now I'm scared what will happen without that structure. I do need a break but I'm gonna get so sick of my parents if I spend all my time at home. I've lost all my passions and feelings so going to class is just a chore i force myself to do but without anything external forcing me to go outside and keep a regular sleep schedule especially in winter I'm scared I'll be on a downward spiral. But I know I need a break too if I just get a job straight away I'll get even more burnt out. I don't know what to do. I guess I've got to give myself some tasks to do, pick some new goal to work towards. If i don't care then any goal is as good as any other. Anxiety corrupts everything I do, everything becomes terrifying, it's like a fog around everything I can't escape. God I don't know. I actually want meds at this point, before I was too scared of being dependent on anything but now I don't feel like I have a choice, like I am actually unable of controlling my anxiety or being happy on my own. It's a waking nightmare to be completely honest and I can't think my way out of it because the thing that does the thinking is generating the nightmare. Grrrrrrrrrrrrargh. I do have to believe it's going to get better I know life moves like a wave and if I just keep going eventually something will change. But god I feel so defeated

Yeah idk I thought somehow that my anxiety would disappear like that it was a childhood phase I would grow out of once I did enough Cool Shit and i thought i had grown out of it but i was really just suppressing my feelings & covering it up with alcohol at social events lmao. All my life really I dreamed of a magical solution or some dramatic shift that would save me and make me happy and lovable and worthy. But ive moved across the continent twice and changed my gender and if those arent dramatic enough changes then nothing is. My last hope was moving out of my parents i thought. I dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I dont know. That getting to be on my own would fix me. But now I know it wont I tried having jobs and that was my lowest point. SO i dont think living on my own would be that much different. I want to do it anyway but I have no hope itll fix me. I'm facing the scary prospect that I'm gonna be the same person forever like I can't run away from how my brain works. Horrible actually. Yarghghghghghghghhghghghghgh

I want desperately to be someone else, someone whos attractive and confident and unbothered and doesnt have all these rigid neuroses. But i just feel like its impossible I keep being defeated when I try to become them. It's like I always return to this place of loneliness and alienation and numbness. I fucking hate it here but i'm its bitch it has a hold on me. What the hell do i do???? God

#its bad dont open

[dolugecat]

On some Japanese social issues I had learned about at uni and abroad):

(Rb ok!)

Legit had an epiphany about the true hidden meaning of the last arc of Mob Psycho 100. It’s hella projection but for real there is nothing neurotypical about Mob or Mob Psycho. I do not wish to enforce my interpretation on others (ironic bc I do that all the time but this is a serious social theory). There are some interesting and very sad social issues in Japan that the west really doesn’t understand but would I think help people understand a lot of context behind not only Mob Psycho, but also a lot of other anime. I learned this at my shitty university (prestigious but horrific) and while studying abroad in Japan and talking with Japanese peers. Get ready here we go (and tw for bullying and darker things):

Unfortunately in East Asian education systems, bullying can be extremely intense. Growing up I assumed it was over exaggerated extremely in anime for drama but it really can be so horrific. From what I’ve heard, there is often a single kid or so who is just shit on by everyone else, even the teacher. Mogami land *is* the reality of some Japanese kids. I’ve read that in Korea, this social punching bag sometimes is just the darkest skinned person (yayyy colorism /angry) and or someone who does not fit in. I mean, we have that in America too, but maybe not as common for the bullying to be as focused on one misfit rather than several. These kids just can’t escape the stigma too, kids from other schools find out they were a major victim at their old school and it starts anew. Thus there is so much stigma and incentive to join in on bullying so you aren’t the one. Sadly, this also ofc leads to higher suicide rates. That’s where the “shoe on building roof” anime trope comes in, bc somehow taking off shoes is relayed to death (I forgot why sorry)

There is a difference in how intense in general high school vs college is too. In the West, commonly college is the more intense curriculum and is harder than high school, but in Japan it’s usually the opposite. Grind suuuupppeeerrrr hard for entrance exams (huge standardized tests that determines what college you can qualify to) bc unlike the ACT or SAT here, that test is by far the most important factor for college admission. Then chill and relax a bit in college. Can’t relate. Name and prestige is very critical for job application, more important than here. That’s why planning out your future is sooo much more intense for Japanese high schoolers than in America, and why there is sooo much more pressure to excel in high school than here. Japanese school years and holidays are done different than ours, I’d suggest looking it up.

Social prestige of going to an American high school or college is nuts. Like whyyy do you value our shitty education, Japan’s is much higher quality (it’s bc we neo colonized them). Being able to speak English is very, very highly valued and any association with Americans make you cooler. From my experience, some Japanese students got very excited to practice speaking English with us, and their biggest issues with learning it is pronunciation, lmao. Wasai english is unique slang that is indeed English words but it’s kinda different and it’s kinda jarring to remember lol. So, Teru having parents that are working overseas isn’t too uncommon, idk about leaving him absolutely alone, but I did have a ex-friend who just came from Japan in middle school who’s situation probably wasn’t too far off from that. Empty wealth with no love, it’s no wonder those kind of people can end up being huge bullies (minori?)

I did a presentation on 引きこもり(hikikomori) for which means “shut in”, (like Serizawa) and it’s fucked up. It’s a social phenomena where according to some Japanese researchers a mix of undisciplined parenting, guilt/not living up to expectations, and hopelessness makes an alarming amount of youth/ young adults literally never go out side their house/room. Often a parent is “enabling” the behavior by supporting them, but idk the articles seemed a bit victim-blaming to me when I read it, but I don’t think I should make a judgement too hard, not my place. I will say I do suspect and believe I read something to support that ASD might play a role in hikikomoris (there is pitiful resources for autistic people in Asia, much much less support than even here, to the point I don’t think most know it exists). Like come on, with the other points I laid out my personal opinion as an Asian American with autism is that it really seems it’s unknowing ableism against autistic classmates, but I didn’t grow up in Asia so I don’t want to say.

Mental health in general is tragically quite abysmal in Japan, and with it being so hyper competitive and brutal work culture, it’s no surprise birth rate in Japan is so low; some Japanese young adults say it seems unethical to bring a life to such hostile world. Suicide rate is of the highest in the world. It’s fucked, I’ve interacted with some of the locals in Tokyo and they were so nice, but the business men just looked dead inside, it’s so sad.

Relationships between child and parent is also strained bc of this intense work and school culture. Quality time is too scarce when you gotta work so much. And the pressure from parents to do well in education or else you might end up socially stigmatized is rough. Bc your job is who you are, it’s hyper capitalism (thanks us for making them do this)

With autism being so unknown, support for parents in raising autistic kids is almost nonexistent. What happens if the “darker” side of ASD shows up in kids? I used to be a menace when I had meltdowns, I felt so bad but really just became so indiscriminately violent. See where this is going? Legit, I think ESP is a sort of metaphor for neurodivergance to ONE. There is so much stigma around it, and even less way for kids to understand why they are different than the others. My Korean family can’t admit we all got ASD, too much fear and internalized shame.

I got finally diagnosed with ASD as an adult and I’ll tell ya, I relate too much to Mob hurting Ritsu. I felt so bad, but also not in control, I knew what I was doing but not how to stop. Luckily, is was blessed in that my hyperfixations involved science and logic, so I did well at school. Sadly, our boy Mob just don’t got the passion or ability to do well at school. His kanji is very bad, even to point of not being confident he wrote a kanji (世) they learn when they are 9, in elementary school (thanks @katyatalks). Him being a bit berated by his parents for having bad grades and bending spoons seems harsh to Westerners I think, but IMO it’s pretty tame from what I’ve seen of some Asian parents (I get to say that lmao). Ofc, however the shaming is very real and Mob just agreeing with them about how weird and stupid he thinks he is so sad. There is even more pressure for the eldest to be better than here, I feel from some interactions. Nonetheless, it’s implied Mob is quite emotionally detached from his parents, even though he loves them, which also adds to his emotional complex. Combined with originally fragile self esteem and feelings of worthlessness, we got one emotionally stunted boy. However, contrary to common belief people with ASD are sometimes hyper empathic and experience emotions very intensely. We are prone to having “meltdowns” which if not assisted with can be quite violent if very intense. For me, my worse meltdowns as a kid came from when I didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting what I wanted, it seemed selfish and cruel of me but I couldn’t control it. I wanted to be a good kid, so why did hit my moms leg at target when she refused to buy me Pokémon toys? I couldn’t come up with a good reason for why my mind just commanded my body to do bad things, just a single thought was controlling me, I want I want I want I want I want ____. Which I argue could be what ???% represents… bc well…. Yeah….. hmm….. not in control of self (mob unconscious), selfish (not actually, I’ve forgave myself but my “normal” kid self was so ashamed), destructive, hurt family, wanting to stop but can’t, that’s kind of…. Too relatable.

But legit, since realizing my new HC, I’ve started to think of the last chapter of mp100 when I “explode” and it helps me feel better and I do gain “control” a bit easier. I don’t feel so bad anymore either, Mob!

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #my post #mp100 headcanons #welcome to my hc #asd #autism #actually autistic #kageyama shigeo #mob #mp100 meta #Japanese society #japanese culture #meta #mp100 analysis

[thinslxx]

Rant lol

Tw for mental health issues in general

Been thinking about my friendships lately. And aside from the fact I consider a lot of people "friends" but in reality I don't talk to anyone. The only person I actively interact with everyday is my gf. Me and my best friend are SUUUPER close but we don't text much since we prefer seeing eachother in person. And the other friend, welp she is rlly nice and kind, I met her through my gf. Stil we don't talk unless she needs some advice which I'm fine with completely. But when none of them are active I just dont..speak ? to anyone. Despite being the class president I don't have much of a connection with my class. It's weird ig, they see me as a figure or responsibility (lmao) so they have picked me to be the class president for 3 years in a row. Which is cool great, but I have a hard time actuALLY interacting with them. I do have a small group of ppl I hang out with at school but most of the time I'm left alone or well left out. I even stopped responding to my name (deadname but I still have to respond to it at school) cuz I know no one is calling me, they are calling the other girl in my class with the same name. I just stopped turning around after enough times where someone called out my name but they meant the other one. I have also become really quiet, before I came up to people and initiated a convo..now I'm just at my desk drawing reading or on my phone. Also I have definitely noticed a shift in my behaviour when it comes participation in class. Before I was the bitch that would raise my hand before the teacher even finnished their question. Now I'm barely raising my hand or even listening to the professors. It's weird how much I changed cuz of everything that happened in the last year. Damn everything from completely destorying the relationship with my parents, anxiety and OCD therapies, forcefully coming out as bi to my parents, almost getting disowned etc. Sigh smh really this was THE year. I'm surprised I haven't killed myself like I'm in awe rn. impressive.💅 Honestly it's so fucked up that the only thing I hold comfort in is self destruction and my gf. But since she moved away I don't really have that either. I miss her so bad. I just want to hug her and hold her so she doesn't leave. Lmao messed up much ? I don't mean it in a possessive way🙄 I mean it in a please don't go way. But life is life Ig. All I can do now is lose weight and starve so i can be skinny and beautiful for real when she sees me again. My mum took a pic of me and my sister yesterday and I felt like ✨ throwing up ✨ when I saw myself. Disgusting. Not to mention we be celebrating 6 years of disordered eating 🎉🎉 I haven't had a normal eating day since I was 12 years old u know like a mentally ill motherfucker.

Welp this was a while bunch of thoughts. Stay safe guys please take care od yourselves the best u can ! I'm here if someone needs to rant/talk about anything, DMS always open as u can see I need friends as well💃💃

#tw #thinn #thinnn #thinnsp0 #thinness #edmeme #notpro #ed not sheeran #tw ana stuff #tw ed #thinspo #ed #eating disorders #eating disorder

[illumina777]

This is me talking abt the party and how some of the ccs handled it as well as disclosing my personal opinion so if y'all do not like that, you should not read this post

At first, let us look at what the person whose birthday party they were attending mentioned: they are all vaccinated and tested beforehand, the tests were negative -according to them.

And while that is nice, the vaccine only protects you from the virus. You can still carry and spread it and I am sure that we all know that the tests aren't the most accurate either.

And while most these Youtubers will probably end up alone in their house after this, some of them will travel back to their country, they will end up in public vlogging, they end up interacting with other content creators and just people in general and so on. If even one of them has it, the virus can spread like a wildfire. Let's not forget that there were 45+ people at this party. While there are certainly events with much more people out there, I think that it is much easier to enforce the small safety rules such as wearing a mask and keeping your distance at such a small gathering. Also, if we go back to speaking of travelling, some of the guests came from other countries and very likely weren't quarantined before they attended the festivity (speaking of Captain Puffy here, I do not have a list of everyone who attended and do not really care tbh).

Now is it within the UK guidelines? Yes, of course it is. You are not required to wear a mask, football games and concerts take place, clubs are open and so on. Is it responsible? No, it definitely isn't. The death rates are picking up again, so are the rates of people who have covid. There is a delta version of the virus, two times worse than covid 19. The government is not handling this properly and we all should know that because Boris motherfucking Johnson didn't cancel one of his little trips despite the fact that he has been tested positive for covid.

Now if we move on and look at what Memeulous said, I haven't seen any abuse directed at the ccs. I saw a lot of jokes and some people expressing that they were upset which they have the right to be.

Because imagine, the Youtubers who actually profited from the pandemic in terms of views and new subscribers weren't the only ones who were affected. People lost their jobs, their homes, their friends, their family to this virus. Some people are in the hospital with covid, fighting for their lives. Some people can not go to the hospital because it is full, meaning that if they get covid they have nowhere to go. Some people also haven't been outside, haven't seen their friends and family irl in ages. Most of us also haven't been able to celebrate and enjoy our birthdays with our loved ones. Some schools and workplaces are not open, meaning people have to home office which is incredibly difficult for people who struggle with mental health and disabilities. Some people are stuck at home and have to suffer from verbal and physical abuse.

Besides, people have been advising others to wear a mask beforehand and that was all most asked of the ccs. Put a piece of cloth over your nose and mouth, wash your hands, that's it. That's all most of the people had wanted and the majority hasn't asked for that in an impolite way.

Sure, there will always be those black sheep out there with the stupid death threats and some were sent to the person who hosted this. If they read this, I am incredibly sorry this happened, especially after losing someone to suicide. Please remember that death threats are never okay.

And I think another reason why some of them asked the content creators with millions of viewers to be responsible was because they have many young, impressionable viewers who might think that it is okay to stop being careful now where they have seen their 'idols' stop caring. By deciding to become an influencer, you do carry some responsibility. Wearing a mask is not that hard.

Now let's look at some of the replies:

"Everyone has gone back to their lives"

Nope, several places are still in lockdown, some locations are still not open, many people are fighting for their lives right now, several of my mates lost someone to covid, thousands of people who I do not know lost someone or something to the virus, some people still can not leave their homes, several countries still do not even have the vaccine and especially these people can be upset because guess what: it isn't exactly pleasant to be stuck at home alone while you see several white people show off their privilege of being able to party and go outside.

"Thousands of people died to covid."

"Lol Twitter is so sensitive"

Here is what Scott Smajor said. I really liked how he handled this so I wanted to include this because unlike most ccs, he didn't mock the people who were looking out for them:

Also, Dream our little covid warrior lmao

That all being said, I totally understand where you all are coming from. We are all tired of this. We all want to see our friends and family, go out and do things we enjoy but I think that for now it really has to either wait or be safe. Just because a bunch of other people do it without masks doesn't make it safe. Be better. Also, fuck the government and what they say, didn't know how to handle this shit for the majority of it and they still don't know tbh

Wear your masks, wash your hands, keep your distance and stay safe.

#covid vaccine #covid pandemic #covid virus #covid19 #dream mcyt #jack manifold #wilbur mcyt #mcyttwt #mcytblr #captain puffy #imallexx #memeulous #wear a mask #wilbur soot #scott smajor #mcyt fandom #mcyt tumblr

[my-tourettes-journey]

alright so im actually being sappy for once

you guys remember a couple days ago when i said there was stuff doing on i wasn't ready to talk about (which is genuinely concerning honestly because i overshare way too much, so any time i dont talk about something thats when people should be concerned lmao)?

yeah well. here we go. this is gonna be a really deep post and honestly im nervous so im just gonna jump right into it

TW: Eating disorders, general self hate, delusions(?), paranoia, very long post

so, i ended up in the hospital middle of april. i had been having some mental health episodes where i pretty much mostly believed that i was in a simulation, and the only way to get out was to die. this made me end up in the emergency room, but i was let out that night (literally 1 in the morning), as i was too terrified to go back into a mental hospital (i have had very traumatic experiences with hospitals - the first one i ever went to actually just got shut down due to patient right violations).

a day went by and i was in sort of a hazey depressive state. i really don't know how to describe it, i just didnt feel like me. the day after that i decide to go out for a drive as i hadn't been out of the house for three days because i was staying home from school so my parents could make sure i was safe (this happens a lot so it wasn't shocking). so, i went out for a drive. i felt fairly okay when i left, but somehow i ended up back in an episode and i found myself driving in complete silence for hours trying to "find a way out" of the "simulation" i thought i was in. i never found it. shocker.

that episode slowly turned into paranoia, which i've only really started struggling with recently (i've had the delusional-type episodes for years now, but they've never been this bad). i'll leave out some details as it does get to the point where i honestly don't want to put that information online, but somehow i ended up parking at my favorite park and just staring at nothing. for three hours. my family was trying to contact me, but i thought they were going to hurt me, so i didn't text back. eventually they found me, and they convinced me to let them take me to the hospital. again.

this time i didn't really go back to normal as fast as i did before, and my parents were afraid that if i went home something else would happen. so i was put into another mental hospital. this was my 4th time in a mental hospital, and literally all of my other experiences with them were horrible, so needless to say i was fucking terrified. turns out, they were actually really good! the staff were nice and the place actually looked pretty good. i was let out about a week later.

now you would think i would start getting better after i got out. i wish.

i mean, technically i was doing better in the delusional-paranoid aspect of things, but something just didn't feel right. i just felt off. two days later, my mom mentions something about some levels in my blood being off and that it can be caused by not exercising and that just flipped a switch in me. literally the instant she said that i just went down a very dark hole (not blaming my mom at all, she didn't do this on purpose).

see, i already didn't have a very healthy relationship with my body or food, seeing as i literally had just recovered from ARFID a couple months ago, but on top of that there was this whole other layer of thoughts that i hadn't told anyone, literally ever. since 2018 i've suffered with feeling guilty from eating, i genuinely felt like i didn't deserve the food i got and i didn't like the way i looked. i was very skinny at the time due to ARFID struggles, and people really liked to comment on how tiny i was.

once i started gaining weight when i recovered from ARFID, the thoughts of hating my body and the guilt from eating just got so much worse. there was a time where i actually went to great measures which i will not name just because i wanted to be skinny again. and i didn't really know why i wanted to be so skinny, because i knew that being fat wasn't a bad thing, fat people are beautiful. i just had this thought in my head that i was literally hideous and ugly and the only way to make myself pretty was to be skinny, even though i thought everyone else regardless of weight or shape was perfect.

i was doing fine for a while, but then my mom told me about that blood level thing and it all came crashing down. i literally would run for two hours straight every single day for a week, to the point where i physically can't walk down stairs because my legs hurt so bad, and i have shin splints. i stopped eating, i only really ate when i had to.

after a little over a week of this, i caved and finally told my closest friends about what was going on. they were there to support me, but i knew that there was only so much they could do.

since then, i've just struggled immensely with body image and food. like, immensely. it's literally all i can think about all day every day.

but, last saturday i decided that no matter what, no matter how many times i fell down and struggled to eat, i would try again, try to take another bite, and try to heal my relationship with food and my body.

so, yeah. im sorry for the book, but i genuinely want to be open about mental health online (at least when no one knows who i really am lmao). i want people to know they're not alone, and i want people who aren't suffering with these problems to know about them.

anyway. that's what i've been going through recently. i may not be posting much, if at all, honestly, for the next while. but i know that eventually i will overcome this, i just have to keep getting back up every time i fall.

#sky's old blog

[alienheartattack]

Hi Hi I seriously love your fics so much and I love the way portray Mikasa and Levi, that's them to me. Two of your fics that hold special places in my heart are definitely '5:42 P.M. on a Wednesday in March' and 'Night Watch'. But I still have some more to read. What are yours? 🥰 and 🏆, 🎤. I'd also like to ask 🎁 and most definitely 🍄 please. I'm sorry if that's too much to ask 🤗.

Thank you! I love your comments on my fics, having someone engage with my work is seriously the most fulfilling thing as a writer. Your analyses have been spot on, and sometimes you even point out things that I didn’t even realize I put in the story. I’ve already read your post about 5:42 P.M. like six times, will probably read it again when I’m done this post lmao. I also love your incorrect quotes series!

Heeennnyyways, on to the questions.

Fave fic you’ve written

Another Taste of Pomegranate. My first ever smut fic (aside from some unreadable slash I wrote in high school) and probably my most popular fic besides Inexorable. I tried so, so hard to get this one right. Occasionally I’ll go back and read the reblogs and tags for it because people were so supportive. And horny. Very, very horny.

Fic you’re most proud of

It’s a tie between Inexorable, my first and so far only multichapter fic, and Koi No Yokan. They were both writing feats that I’d never tried before, a long fic and a fic with a big twist. Before I started my novel, Inexorable was the longest single story I’d written. I was also hesitant to post because I feel really strongly about unfinished multichapter fics and I didn’t want to start a project only to lose interest and not finish. Koi No Yokan was hard to pull off because I wanted the reader to discover the mystery as Mikasa did, but still had to put in clues that it was Levi all along. They both hold up surprisingly well, I just reread Inexorable on Friday and I really liked it, although my god it needs another round of copyedits.

Fave line in a fic you wrote

This is from Catch and Release, probably my only RM angst fic.

She barely has him for a week before one of his gas canisters malfunctions mid-flight and he starts to fall. An enormous hand catches him out of midair and within seconds Levi is gone. He doesn’t make a sound, not even when the Titan’s teeth rip open his belly and bare his guts to the last few people who ever loved him.

Levi Ackerman, resigned to history.

Quote from a WIP

“Holy shit,” Levi pants. “I say this with deep respect, so don’t get offended: you are one sick bitch.”

How do you get yourself in the mood to write?

I’m actually super undisciplined in this way. I always want to write when I’m working but then I don’t want to when I’m free. I’ll spend tons of time zoning out and planning stories and then not write any of that shit down so it’s all lost to the ages. So basically, I force myself to write. When I notice myself sitting around watching television or otherwise not doing anything, I’ll grab my laptop and open whatever WIP calls to me if I’m feeling inspired, and force myself to work on a particular project if I feel like it needs my attention. I’m writing a comedic romance novel that’s about two-thirds complete and I started writing fanfic again because I needed a break from the novel, so now I switch between my spy AU smut and the novel, depending on how I’m feeling.

This might be controversial, but if I’m feeling anxious about writing or just feeling generally shitty (I’ve been hashtag blessed with a whole bunch of mental health issues) I’ll get a little stoned before writing. I think “write drunk, edit sober” is okay advice: I think getting a little bit inebriated can help ease your inhibitions, but you can’t write if you’re fucked up. Whatever relaxation exercise works for you, really. Sometimes I’ll just meditate on my story (AKA stare into space) and once the ideas start flowing, I’ll grab the laptop.

[straighttohellbuddy]

World building is the best tbh. I’m forever world building and now I have several worlds to play in and my neurodivergent brain cannot stay still enough to focus on one lmao. SLOWBURN ROMANCES ARE MY LITERAL JAM LIKE PLS!!! I LOVE THEM!! Also!!!! Concepts!!!! Pls share!!!! I love learning about the worlds of my fave fics and I can hands down say right now that this fic will literally shoot to the top of my list of favourites which means you’ll occupy the top three spots. Sorry to hear that ur feeling rough, so am sending u the biggest hug. I’m not okay but I’m taking care of myself today so that I will be 🧡-🐈‍⬛

alsjfsldkjf i have too many worlds TBH, literally one of the best parts of my 2020 was writing for the classic rock fandom and writing one of my good friend’s ocs alongside mine, like there’s so many different worlds that our two characters have now, i’m like 26k deep into a high school au that i need to get back to at some point, and then i wrote a oneshot abt the high school au but they’re adults, and then there’s also the original timeline, and then there’s the present day in the original timeline where they have kids and i probably care too much about people who aren’t real...... hahaha

OKAY OKAY OKAY HERE WE GO I’LL GIVE KIND OF AN OVERVIEW OF THE ALBUMS AND A FEW SONGS BUT IF U WANT ME TO GO IN DEPTH ON ANY OTHER SONG JUST ASK!!!

yes i have a playlist for each, if you wanna hear how i interpret the vibes of the songs. if you interpret them differently, thats awesome!! i’d love to hear y’all’s opinions on them!!

testing one two - the first ep they release, the song titles are mostly themed (fast forward, press play, pause, rewind), but are mostly things y/n has been working on for a while but never got around to finishing, things they are rather proud of. i see you shiver with... is the first song they wrote specifically for the album, and it’s the last song on the EP because it’s a Rocky Horror reference; i see you shiver with...

a n t i c i p a t i o n - first full album!! the vibe is Hopeful But Hesitant it has all the songs from the ep, plus some new ones!! collabs with youtube musicians troye and dodie, and y/n’s label sets up a collab that turns into a genuine friendship. the breakout dance hit is what else is there to say ft. Troye Sivan, which is about not knowing what to make content about when it feels like you’ve already told the world everything. it featured the prechorus and hook

You, know, ev-ery-thing about me / gave it all for free / my life in HD / So, let’s dance, let me see your hips sway / we’re gonna be okay / what else is there to say?

So say that you love me, say that you love me, say that you love me / let’s die hand in hand. / I’ll tell you I love you, tell you I love you, tell you I love you / supply and demand. 

personally, i also conceptually enjoy srs bsns which is a really upbeat song about how they don’t care if people don’t take them seriously because they know in their heart that what they’re doing is good

hyperfocus - 2nd EP, a pretty substantial departure from their usual style, but also happens to quietly be Corpse’s favourite, and is actually y/n’s most polarising, because it has both the Grammy award winning HEARTBURN and the o brother where art thou which was written partially as a joke to capture a fond moment of them and 5SOS dicking around together in a hotel. written while on tour wit 5SOS, im writing the reader as having ADHD (because I have ADHD and i can do what i want), and the backstory is that they’d changed the medication/dosage they were taking, and as it’s their first full tour, they were under a lot of stress and were in a weird place mentally and emotionally, and hyperfocus is the result of that. i’m going through some stuff has HUGE agoraphobic vibes. 

HEARTBURN has the same vibes as Florence + The Machines’ Howl. It’s about being a demon without saying that or directly implying that unless you know demons real well. This is when the pressure for them to confirm their identity got real bad, and it was their way of working through those emotions.

tear in existence in the shape of a person / when i’m seeing clearly i can’t see myself / world can’t swallow what it can’t get it’s teeth into / got everything i wanted but i ain’t got my health

Got heart-burn--- / I’ll tear me apart / I’ll tear you apart / I’ll tear me apart. 

SCREAM gets rereleased as a remixed single featuring Fall Out Boy the following year. It won the MTV music award for best collaboration in 2018. 

In the time between hyperfocus and working on it, Y/N releases several singles, including a cover of Tell Him by The Exciters to be featured in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. They also take time to sort out their health, do a little bit more YT stuff, and travel internationally to do festivals. 

working on it - is kind of a middle ground between their original stuff, and hyperfocus, like pop-punk meets horror-pop meets whatever you’d classify halsey as. the first three songs were mostly written before the fic starts, so before they’re getting back to YT, but the last three, nightmare scenario, designed to hurt (touch me), and not scared were all written after they’d started hanging out with sykkuno and corpse. 

in-universe, imposter syndrome was originally something else, along the same lines of tired that they’re hiding that they’re a demon, but after meeting corpse nd sykkuno and having people who know, and lowkey being influenced by corpse’s music, the song changes directions, and YO OKAY YO::

I literally am so fucking flattered, my darling friend @bingusmode​ wrote lyrics for imposter syndrome and I’ve been yELLING about them ever since i’ve read them!! (also bunnie is fantastic and lovely in general 10/10)

if you thought you saw me 

i’d think about it twice

cuz while i know i’m naughty

everybody thinks i’m nice

cutest giggles get me

places that i long to be

but it’s not long before

everybody hates me

when you figure out i’m fucked up

you’ll probably think that can’t be right

but babe my image runs to save me

cuz i’m ugly day and night

nothing good about me

not the angel that i seem

cuz i’m a piece of shit

and i’ll ruin your fuckin dreams

i’m an impostor babe

you better run for your life

cuz there’s a bloodlust runnin through me

and you’re dripping off my knife

there’s no one here to save you

cuz you ate up all my lies

so beg me while you can

and draft up all your goodbyes 

if any of y’all are inspired by anything i put out, feel free to take it and run!! you have my blessing!! i am so overwhelmingly flattered by people who like my stuff enough to create because of it, directly or indirectly! lyrics, art, songs, anything!! legit! I love you!!

okay so designed to hurt (touch me) has big House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco vibes, and YES it’s about Corpse. YES it sends mixed messages. YES it has greek myth imagery and YES that imagery is confusing. not sure if any of these sets of lyrics actually go after each other but also idk??

will my fall from grace be graceful / as each move i see you make? / propped up on pedestals side by side / beneath our feet they shake / i’m the only one to hear you ask  / “What have they done to me?” / My boy, your wax throne is sun-drenched / you’ll fall in the name of your legacy.

eyes like yours watched rome burn / while hands like mine lit the pyre / we both heard me say we’d go down in flames / now you’re turning me into a liar / since you smile like that, like you can’t feel the sting / and we both know i can’t feel the fire

been telling myself i’m designed to hurt / but, baby, aren’t we a sight? /

check your reflection, your angles, apollo / you’re icarus in the right light /

we’re on the edge, i’m not scared to fall / we’ll take refuge in the night /

been telling yourself you’re designed to hurt / but, baby, doesn’t this feel right?

also, albumtouralbumtour is a reference to Bohemian Rhapsody.

OKAY AND FINALLY

n o s t a l g i a - the album the reader’s working on during the fic.

literally as i was writing this, bunnie sent through some FIRE lyrics for how the light gets in, (@bingusmode) i am going to be thinking about these on REPEAT for the next MONTH BRUV

little bit of darkness, treat me like a toy 

i got my hopes up and got them destroyed

bitter taste of regret sitting heavy on my tongue

can’t believe i let you convince me that you were the one

sitting here in silence, fabric running thin

petals burning in my lungs and stealing oxygen

embers from a cigarette falling to the floor

god i can’t take anymore

so i stumble to the window and pull the shades

and the moon pours in like you threw a grenade

i can’t understand why

i keep trying

cuz i never seem to win

but having any hope is how the light gets in 

from there, moment before impact ft. Billie Eilish is a club anthem along the lines of bad guy or COPYCAT, bass heavy with a drop that’s out of this world.

powdered pain, i’m in your veins / i’m the sting, the drip, the thing / you’re craving, but you hate to see me misbehaving / i heard my breakdown got you high / it’s true, but baby i can’t lie / i never got that rush, that burn / that makes you feel alive, i had to learn / to pick the slippery slope down which i fell / plan my pitstops on the way to hell / to pick my padding before i spiral / so if i break it’ll be in style

watch my misdirect, now freeze, / notice you can’t see the forest for the trees / you’re so desperate for my demise / but baby, i’ll make you watch me rise.

this is the moment before impact

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i know you hope i’m not okay / you get off on my audio misery

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i need you to know i want it this way / my breakdown won me a grammy

and this is the moment before impact

ur my favourite - interlude ft. sykkuno is probably one of my favourites, it’s just really soft, just a snippet of a conversation between the reader and sykkuno, maybe one of them told a joke and they both just sound real happy and sweet. its nice. it’s a nice moment.

means something is also for sykkuno!! it’s about how good-strange it is to be open and honest with friends, and how they usually aren’t but they’re glad they can be open and honest with him!!

meanwhile, i don’t think about u - interlude ft. CORPSE is a phonecall between corpse & the reader right after they announce they’re going to feature on acting like that, where corpse asks if they do this sort of thing to spite him, to which the reader responds ‘do i consider you when i’m making decisions about my career? no, corpse, actually i don’t think about you at all’ which then directly contrasts the song that ends the album, which is (how it feels to be) beautiful fireworks, which is essentially ‘i know how hard it is to exist like this, to be the centre of attention, to give off light and bring people joy, even when you’re in pain. i’m here for you. i love you.’

okay, i swear im done now, i’ll get back to writing the fic! (also i cannot BELIVE i managed to figure out how to embed those playlists but im so happy) edit: it didn’t actually work when i posted the ask, so anyways im sorry but y’all are abt to be spammed with playlists because i care too much abt this fic

#Anonymous #how the light gets in #corpse husband x reader #black cat anon