If the main Smosh cast* did Starkid’s Firebringer, here’s who I think would play who :)
Zazzalil: Angela
Jemilla: Amanda
Keeri: Courtney
Schwoopsie: Arasha
Chorn: Tommy
Emberly: Spencer
Tiblyn: Olivia
Molag: Keith
Grunt: Shayne
Ducker: Chanse
Smelly Balls: Ian
Clark: Anthony
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Obviously I know this is not happening, because Leaks™, but Chlolila could have been a great malevolent equivalent to Feligami.
Hear me out.
On the one hand, we have this young girl who desperately wants to be loved — to the point that it drove her to madness. She has great potential for ✨ Evil ✨ and can plot very efficiently and intelligently when she wants to (as exemplified in Derision); but she’s impulsive and emotional, and keeps getting in her own way.
On the other hand is the✨ Mastermind ✨ with a deeper agenda (supposedly and very unfortunately, given how elaborate her plan is — I still hold out hope that she’s just doing it for the lolz). Not only is she the first person to recognise this potential in her partner, but she is also excellent at communicating with her, talking her down, and helping her refocus her energy in order to actually get results.
They could have been SO evil yet SO healthy together!
In the wise words of my girlfriend (and Grandma Molag from Firebringer) :
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Team Starkid Does Into the Woods
Narrator: Lauren Walker
She's the iconic narrator Molag in Firebringer, if I want anything narrated, I'm calling her.
The Baker: Corey Dorris
I've been on the Give Corey Dorris A Lead Role train for a while (even though I'm very new to Tumblr) so this was easy for me. Also, is "A father who's not the best person but is trying his goddamn best" describing The Baker or Bill from TGWDLM?
The Baker's Wife: Bryce Charles
I'm so hyped for her to be the star of Team Starkid's next show, and I need to hear her sing Moments in the Woods.
Cinderella: Lauren Lopez
I don't feel like I need to explain this one? The vibes are just correct.
Jack: James Tolbert
I've only seen him in Black Friday and like 2 seconds of NPMD but he has such a sincere earnestness to his performance, I think he would be a great Jack.
Jack's Mother: Rachel Soglin
She's my favourite exhausted mother in Trail to Oregon, this is the same part but meaner and without an idiot husband falsettoing in a wagon with a floor window.
Cinderella's Stepmother: Mary Kate Wiles
(She's in Working Boys so she counts as Team Starkid) She has a wonderfully dry delivery and while in Spies Are Forever, she uses it for a Jaded Hero character, I want to see her use it for a truly cruel character.
Florinda and Lucinda: Angela Giarratana and Jaime Burns
Both wonderful comedic actresses who would definitely make these relatively small parts very memorable.
Little Red Riding Hood: Mariah Rose Faith Casillas
Is this just an excuse for a (albeit not as direct) third "Corey is Mariah's Father" casting? Yeah, kinda. But also Mariah is amazing in pretty much any part.
The Witch: Jaime Lynn Beatty
This feels so obvious. Her physical acting, character work and amazing belt are MADE to play the Witch. I am always open to constructive criticism except for this one.
Cinderella's Mother: Brittany Coleman
According to the Team Starkid Wiki, she's played this part in the Baltimore Centre Stage production, so she not only would obviously slay this part, she HAS already slayed this part.
Wolf/Cinderella's Prince: Joey Richter
Hmm, who do I get to play two parts, one who's supposed to be creepy and one who's supposed to be irresistibly sexy? I dunno. Anyway, Joey Richter has such amazing range, he plays skeevy villains like Mcdoon (the bandit king) in Trail to Oregon and Wiley in Black Friday , but also is so hot and charming as Ethan in Nightmare time and as Owen in Spies are Forever. Don't know why I bring that up now.
Rapunzel: Kim Whalen
Soprano Queen, actual princess. Also, I want her and Curt to play an actual couple
Rapunzel's Prince: Curt Mega
Not to fall into the Internet Wife Guy Trap but Curt seems so in love with his wife and I think he would be so good as the prince who would do anything to be with her (God please don't pull a Ned Fulmer Curt I swear to God). Also, if you haven't seen him and Joey do Agony for Shitty Broadway, please go watch it, it's amazing.
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Alright, here’s my last two Firebringer magic items: The Staff of the War Master and The Fireshitter’s Painting.
Image IDs under the cut!
[ID:
The first picture says, “Staff of the War Master” in a blue heading. Under that in smaller text it says, “Staff, Very Rare, Requires Attunement.” Under that in a heading it says, “Effects:” and under that it says, “ +2 to hit.” Then there’s a line break, and it says, “ - It deals 1d8 extra force damage on a hit.” Then there’s another line break, and under that it says, “ - It can grant advantage to an ally of the owner of the staff's choice within 60 feet on a roll of the owner's choice whenever the staff kills an opponent that would have been a fair fight in single combat (For example, a CR 1/4 or above monster for level 1 character). This effect must be used within 5 in-game minutes or else it will have no effect.” There’s a background of a blue to teal gradient and a picture of Molag’s staff in the left corner.
The second picture says, “The Fireshitter’s Painting,” and under that it says, “Wonderous Item, Uncommon.” Next to that is a screenshot from Firebringer of the rock with a large picture of a fire on it. Under that it says, “You can expend a charge to create an illusion of fire. This illusion will function like it was created by the Minor Illusion spell and you can cast it with the same range as minor illusion. This starts with 4 charges and gains 1d4 - 1 charges daily. It stops gaining charges once it has 6. Its charges are visually represented, the more it has the bigger the flame painting is. If it runs out of charges, the painting disappears and it can no longer be used.” There’s a teal background, the text is purple, and there’s a gold frame.
End ID]
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