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binniebakery · 3 months

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Thornless Rose (1/3)

Prince!Yeonjun x Princess!Fem!Reader, strangers (one-sided enemies??) to lovers, Fluff! ♡ Summary: marrying oranada's "evil" prince was not on your bingo card for the year but hey we thug it out (im not good at summaries) ♡ Warnings: arranged marriage, mentions of minor character death (i swear the fic is not angst, pure fluff) more warnings as the fic goes on! ♡ A/N: Okay so this idea popped into my head, and who better fits this than yeonjun!! THIS IS JUST THE INTRO/PART ONE SO PLEASE STICK W ME HERE I PROMISE MY MAN WILL BE IN THE NEXT ONE!! this is my little valentines gift for you all!! I'm going to try to upload a part everyday until valentines! enjoy!! (always looking for feedback so pls lmk if theres anything i need to fix thanks!) ♡ Read:2/3 here! ♡

To say you were enthusiastic in the slightest to meet your so called “betrothed” would be the biggest lie to be told in your kingdom’s history. Then again, when did your opinion ever matter when it came to what you wanted? As a princess, the next in line to be queen to be exact, your kingdom always came first anyway. Your parents always did what was best for you and your citizens. “Y/n, you know your father will be most displeased if you decide to pass this opportunity. You’re his only daughter you know.” Your lady-in-waiting pleaded with a nervous smile as you sat on your bed next to the large luggage beside you, filled with clothing and necessities for your week-long trip. The thoughts of uncertainty that clouded your brain quickly were pushed aside the moment she entered your bedroom. After all, the full day trip that was ahead of you gave you plenty of time to think of what was to come. “I know but why must I be paired with someone I’ve never met. I’m sorry I know you mean well but I don’t want to be constantly reminded of my duty miss Yuri.” Sighing, you stood up and rubbed your temples in an attempt to relax yourself. Since your mother’s passing the amount of stress that has piled up in your life has you wishing you could escape it all. So when your father pulled you to his quarters a month ago for the first time since her passing to tell you that you were leaving for a week to meet your new soon-to-be husband and soon-to-be-king of your kingdom, things seemed to look up as you were a hopeless romantic yourself. Sure, you’ve never met this person, but surely he couldn’t be that awful of a husband right? Wrong. The moment you were sat down and your father mentioned the words “Prince of Oranada” your world once again went spiraling. Of course, you couldn’t have one good thing! “Look, I know there’s rumors and you may have your own assumptions but know that this is for the good of our kingdom.” Your father began as you bit your tongue for the sake of hearing his argument. “Oranada has been closed off for a decade now since the war, they keep their relations private but I’ve only heard positive things-” “Father you can’t be serious! Sure they’re wealthy and I’m sure they have wonderful combat strategies passed down from generations but have you forgotten that the prince- and pardon my language- is possibly the most spoiled and narcissistic person on this damn planet?!” You stood from your seat, hands slamming on your father’s desk. Normally it was out of place for you to lash out at anyone, especially your father but this was just the cherry on top of all that had been happening to you the past year. You have heard more than your fair share of the rumors from Oranada. The king and queen were known for keeping a neutral stance in politics, the same as your kingdom. Oranada was actually a very well-respected kingdom, they had very close connections and often chose peace. That was all fine to you except the fact that when war broke out on that side of the land, a lockdown was immediately issued and the entire kingdom was closed off. When said lockdown was placed, surrounding kingdoms were shocked to see that the entire time the king and queen had a son. Prince Yeonjun was a secret kept from the world. Apparently, the prince was only put under light to the public when the king and queen announced that their son was now a part of their kingdom’s decision-making. Immediately the day after he was found guilty of sentencing a man to the death penalty as his first rule. The news spiraled and thus Prince Yeonjun became the tyrant son of the once respected king and queen of Oranada. Oranada decided to close their borders before an official statement could be made. Since then the kingdom has been closed off, leaving the rest of the world to create buzz around it.

“Y/n! I beg your pardon?! I know very well that you know better than to lash out in such an unruly manner.” He spoke through his teeth, attempting to remain composed yet his voice was loud and stern. “Now sit down and you’re going to allow me to finish otherwise I will send you there without any previous knowledge.” As he was the king you had no choice but to sit down, at least not without an annoyed huff. “Apologies father… please continue.” You stared at the wooden floor beneath you, the red oak wood now the most interesting thing in the world to avoid your father’s intense stare. The king sighed as he continued. “As I was saying, you may have your thoughts on the situation, or on the prince, but I promise you that I won’t just let you marry anyone for any reason. Since your mother’s death.. I realize I am getting old. You’re my only child and I need you to realize that you’re old enough now to marry. I only want the best for this kingdom and I know you do too.” You looked up to see that his eyes had softened, voice now more your father’s than the king of your kingdom. “I’ve thought about this for a while, this is our only choice. I’ve actually been able to get into connection with the king and queen themselves, and they’d be absolutely delighted to have you over and introduce you both. So I will be sending you over in about a month and you will be spending the week with your fiancé.” Your eyes widened, not only had your father pulled strings to get into contact with a kingdom that was nearly impossible to get a hold of for the past ten years but the stage was set. You were now engaged and had no voice in the matter. The following month consisted of constant pleading and back and forth with you and the king. You understood it was your duty to find a proper suitor for not just you but your kingdom. Yet, it was so unlike your father to pull the rug from under you like this. Thus here you were, 10 minutes before your departure and you wanted nothing more than to just vomit rather than go on a day-long journey across the land. “Princess, please, I promise things will go fine! After all, once you return, you may have your mind changed.” Yuri said as she kneeled before you while adjusting the arrangements of your travel dress. You could laugh at her comment, you really could. “And you expect me to ignore the fact that I could be marrying a crazy man, a murderer even?” You sighed as you patted the spot next to you for Yuri to sit. Aside from your mother, Yuri had always taken care of you and now that the queen has passed she was the only motherly figure you had left. She was only a few years older but was mature and kind, she was an older sister to you. Running her fingers through your hair in an attempt to relax you, Yuri searched mentally for a proper response. There was no convincing you really, even she knew chances were slim that things would end well.

Suddenly, a knock on your bedroom door shook you from your thinking. “M’lady, are we ready for departure?” Your father’s assistant could be heard. He had been entrusted to accompany you and Yuri on your journey. “Yes! All prepared, we’ll be down in a second!” Yuri chirped as you both immediately stood to your feet. “Just look on the bright side, be positive and things will go your way, M’lady.” She smiled endearingly as you sighed in defeat. “After all, when have I ever been wrong?” You chuckled as she placed her hands on the wooden doors of your bedroom to open them for you. Was it too late to hide under the covers like you did as a child when it stormed? “Hmm, I could think of a few times.” You poked her side jokingly as she rolled her eyes. With uncertainty and fear, you tilted your chin high, and thus your journey to Oranada began.

#txt imagines #txt scenarios #txt fluff #txt x reader #yeonjun x reader #yeonjun fluff #BakeryTreat♡

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mbti-notes · 5 months

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Anon wrote: Hello MBTI Notes . I hope you are doing well . I really enjoy the Blog you provided us with . It's really a gift . Thank you very much .

I am an INTP and still feel maladaptive and I really have some few problems I need to explain if you could help me with them . I will be really thankful . I have Seen that you ask your audience the purpose of their Questions .

My purpose for asking is the following : To understand myself better and also Improve myself and be self-actualized as I progress through Stages of ego development and cognitive function Mastery .

My Questions are the following :

Question #1 : How can I overcome the obsession that I have for the perfect way of starting my self-development Journey and what is wrong with starting now and every moment I feel so rather than obsess over starting the next morning fresh ? - I mean what do I need to do to internalize the shift in my mindset that this is how it should be done rather than gather information and organize them and create a framework for how to work and not do the actual work but just '' seem to do '' and plan rather than do the effective work .

I am aware that I generate activities to avoid doing the actual work by citing the importance of waking up early , having the right plan , right mental models and many more excuses for postponing but it feels like an addiction and I don't know how to break the pattern . How can I understand it better , is it just Underdeveloped Ne and weak Si due to more brainstorming ideas but difficulty implementing ?

Question #2 : When I have a mental model to work with , let's say , Maslow's hierarchy of needs , or The DEAL In 4 Hour work week to grow and Improve my Life and uplift myself using this mental models as they would help me grow through how loosely they become frameworks from which I could invite goals from different branches like Improve My Introverted thinking or Build a YouTube Channel about Conscious Politics , I have to somehow go on to Reddit to look for validation . Ask differently to get validation from different people but never experiment and derive the answer or Just find out and stop needing people excessively . Is this some sort of Fe grip ? -- Can I know how to undo it through cognitive function Improvement and what I would be aiming for to end it ?

Question #3 : My Third Question is more like why I am as an INTP and many others I met passive and apathetic and can't seem to find an ambition that drives us restless and hungry . I have been excited at times about specific ambitions but this seems to have dissolved when I reached 26 years . I definitely have introspected on more and more and had some answers like the following : Eliminate escapism language , put myself in no return environment like a different city where I am far from home and there is a prospect of being fired from apartment from a landlord , act before I am ready and other behaviors that would create the urgency to make it . But again , I lack self-trust In my answers ? - I don't trust myself much this days . I want to be ambitious because of the energy and burning desire to make it through different stages of my life improvement but passivity seems to be the overwhelming energy . Maybe because since the last 5 Years , I lost my father who I was doing more studying to impress , Lockdown lowered myself esteem through media and fear , Getting sick with terbocolusis . How to have a breakthrough from this ?

Notes : Sorry for all this questions , I would be really appreciative if you help me through them . Thanks for everything you do .

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I worked as a teacher for many years, so sometimes I can't help but look at situations from that perspective. To me, you sound like a student who is good at following instructions (and can thus get a good grade) but ultimately doesn't understand the purpose of the assignment (and thus hasn't really learned the lesson). Such students are good at reciting nice sounding words they heard from teacher but aren't yet capable of independent thought, which might explain why you depend on others to validate you. Even though you stated your purpose explicitly, there is something about it that doesn't quite ring true, as though the string of fancy words is masking an underlying issue. If the underlying issue is a mystery because you're not fully aware of it, there's not much I can do but speculate as to what it might be.

I often say that self-improvement must be motivated by a genuinely positive intention if one hopes to get truly positive results. Unfortunately, when people lack self-awareness, they aren't aware that their intention is actually negative, but they can convince themselves that it's positive nonetheless. Generally speaking, a negative intention unconsciously attempts to cover up a deeper psychological issue, usually because it would be too difficult/painful to examine it directly. In proceeding with a negative intention, attempts at self-improvement remain superficial at best, only ever addressing symptoms but never able to touch deeper root causes. This is a common pitfall of self-help methods. Addressing symptoms can of course bring some emotional relief or minor life progress, but it doesn't produce lasting psychological change or spiritual transformation of the sort you seem to be seeking.

Although you asked three questions, they seem related and all tied back to the same mysterious underlying issue. I believe the major clue comes in the third question about apathy. It's possible that your intention is actually negative because you're really just seeking to fill a void of emptiness within. If that's the case, even if you're able to reach all the goals you've set, you'll still feel inexplicably unfulfilled, because the goals haven't addressed the root problem.

A common manifestation of unhealthy Fe is being devoid of feeling inside, which can lead a person to seek sources of feeling from the outside world, in vain attempts to fill the void. The void is like a black hole, bottomless, so trying to fill it is a never-ending task. It can even turn into a sort of addiction that has to be fed regularly. In INTPs this addiction is usually fed through Ne via constant novelty-seeking or through Ti+Ne via constantly seeking out some new horizon to conquer. Unfortunately, novelty always wears off and then it's off to find something else for the void to consume.

How does one get out of this addictive pattern? Ideally, the first step is to confront the problem of emptiness directly, to understand it and find the right ways of resolving it. I don't know your history, so I can't tell you all the reasons for why you feel empty, how it originated, or how it evolved over time. It's something you need to reflect on.

The most I can say about it only relates to functional stack dynamics, so whether the following is true in your particular case is for you to decide. Being disconnected from Fe means that one lives in a state of emotional disconnection from the world. This existential state of disconnection creates emotional emptiness, which can manifest as boredom, indifference, or apathy. Related to your first two questions, the goals you set for yourself seem to exacerbate the disconnect rather than heal it. Your attempts at self-improvement can be self-sabotaging if, unconsciously, your intention isn't actually to grow but rather to cover up the problem of disconnection.

The way to heal emotional disconnection is to actively form emotional connections. You can change your physical environment all you want, but as long as you have no real emotional connection to it, you'll continue to feel empty. This would be an example of knowing how to follow instructions but not really grasping the lesson.

In essence, you have to make the choice to care and take responsibility for things other than yourself, things out in the real world. E.g.: How much do you care about what is outside of yourself? Do you live your life in a way where your existence matters to more than just you? Do you make any difference in other people's lives? Do you take on duties or get involved with causes that would allow you to offer the best of yourself to support and enhance a greater good? Do you value something more than your own personal gain? Do you nurture an appreciative and loving attitude toward all the objects and people surrounding you?

Working on Ti doesn't accomplish much as long as your knowledge and skills aren't being put to good use. Building a youtube channel where you talk to no one in particular doesn't accomplish much as long as you continue to shield yourself from any real entanglements or consequences. For some people, getting their life in order is the challenge they need to progress and grow. But for others, imposing order on life is a way to avoid the messiness of actually living a life (one of the temptations of Ti-Si loop). Perhaps the activities you have chosen keep the world existing as a mere abstraction or always at a comfortable distance, either way, the result is you remain emotionally disconnected from it.

To be connected to the world means being a full part of it. You can't just dip your toe in the water here and there, whenever it suits your mood, always safely in control, always free to walk away to something else. At some point, you have to dive into the sea, sink or swim on your own, immerse yourself completely and risk getting swept away by the tides. You claim to have done something like this through your "no return" scenarios, but it's possible those scenarios are well within your ability to manage and don't produce any significant stakes. The challenges you've set up are good personal challenges to conquer for learning some practical life skills, but they somehow conveniently leave the problem of Fe emotional disconnection untouched.

Eventually, most personality issues go back to auxiliary development. As mentioned, seeking out novelty or challenge as a means of filling an emotional void is a misuse of Ne. You mention "ambition" but Ne is more about aspiration - the two aren't the same. You aim for things you define as "higher" but they aren't anything greater in terms of grand vision. Ne requires investment of blood, sweat, and tears in an aspirational attempt to create great positive changes in the world around you.

Perhaps you focus too much on yourself, i.e., your feelings, your journey, your methods, your models, your goals, your race to prove you can reach some imaginary finish line (that would help cover up low self-esteem), etc etc. All that inward attention without the outward connections to balance it just maintains and worsens disconnection, doesn't it? But why is your attention so misplaced? Why do you get so caught up in nitpicking the details of what you should be doing? Well, sowing doubt and hesitation is a good way to forestall the scariest aspects of Ne+Fe development, isn't it? It seems your idea of what makes a good life is too small or narrow. I'm speaking of putting yourself FULLY out there in the world, committing to something important and risking all of your feelings and emotions in the process, i.e., what it takes to live a full life. Keep finding "reasons" to hold back from living and you'll eventually feel stuck in place.

#intp #auxiliary ne #si loop #inferior fe #apathy #boredom #indifference #emptiness #ask

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sussex-nature-lover · 1 year

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Sunday 5 March 2023

For Christmas I received a large and beautiful hardback book which contains a nature poem for every day of the year. I’ve got to admit that I’m not a poetry person and up to now at least, I’ve found the content extremely challenging, so the gift giver, Ms Nature Watch the elder, threw down the gauntlet and said, can you do better?

Well, I won’t say better, but I can do different, a present-day take on the same title and so I chose to write one poem for the birthday of each person close to me. The first in the year is my late father’s birthday.

Forever associated with spring, daffodils are a welcome sign that warmer days are ahead. An inspiration to artists across the centuries and entangled in myth and symbolism, there’s much more to these bright and cheery trumpets than meets the eye. I found an article with some fascinating and unusual facts about one of our most popular springtime blooms. It was published by the seed and bulb sellers, Suttons, so thanks to them for the following.

What do daffodils symbolise?

Daffodils are among the first flowers to appear as spring approaches, so it’s no surprise that they’re the birth flower for March as well as a symbol of rebirth and new beginnings. But daffodils have also represented many other ideas over the years. The Victorians, for example, considered them the flower of respect and friendship.

Traditionally given on a tenth wedding anniversary (I never heard that before) florists often add daffodils to these celebratory bouquets as a symbol of faith, joy and happiness. However, in days gone by, presenting someone with a single daffodil was seen as bad luck, while observing a bloom as its head drooped used to be thought to herald death. I never heard of that either, but then I’ve never known of anyone give a single daffodil to anyone.

That apart, daffodils remain primarily associated with hope. At the start of 2020 they were the inspiration for David Hockney’s daffodil artwork. Drawn on an iPad during the first COVID-19 lockdown, the piece was titled: ‘Do Remember They Can’t Cancel The Spring’. You can also see it here at The Art Newspaper.

Daffodils as medicine

Originating in the Mediterranean, daffodils are said to have been brought to the UK by Roman soldiers who used them for pain relief and wound healing. We know now that this is unlikely to have helped, as all parts of the daffodil are toxic and should not be consumed. Prolonged exposure to the sap can cause dermatitis.

That said, daffodils do contain the compound galantamine, which has been found to slow the progression of dementia symptoms. In certain parts of the UK, like the Black Mountains in Wales, daffodils are grown specifically to produce a treatment for Alzheimer’s. How incredible.

It’s very fitting that the daffodil is the national flower of Wales and is proudly worn on 1st March to celebrate St David’s Day.

Daffodils in poetry

We’re all familiar with the poem ‘I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud’, William Wordsworth, having taken a walk in the Lake District with his sister Dorothy, describes his feelings upon seeing ‘a host of golden daffodils’ growing at the edge of a lake. A lesser-known fact is that the poem was also inspired by his sister’s journal entry, and that the middle two lines of the final stanza were written by Wordsworth’s wife, Mary Hutchinson.

The Cornish daffodil industry

Bunches of daffodils have been sold in the UK for hundreds of years, but commercial farming of the flowers really took off in the late 19th century, courtesy of Cornish potato farmer William Trevellick. The daffodils around his farm on the Isles of Scilly bloomed much earlier than on the mainland, so he made use of the weekly freighter and the (then relatively new) Penzance to London railway link to get freshly-cut blooms to London within 48 hours of picking.

Island landowner Thomas Dorrien-Smith built on Trevellick’s idea by encouraging his tenant farmers to make bulb-forcing houses and transport boxes for the flowers, and also brought in different varieties to extend the flowering season. This in turn inspired mainland farmers to start planting bulbs, and the world’s largest daffodil grower, Varfell Farm, is still in operation today in Penzance, Cornwall.

Establishing the difference between ‘daffodil’ and ‘narcissus’ seems to cause confusion (throw ‘jonquil’ into the mix if you want to increase the head-scratching). To clear this up, daffodils and jonquils are the common names of spring-flowering bulbs that are members of the genus ‘Narcissus’ (the botanical Latin name for this group of plants)

Daffodils in Greek mythology

The name ‘Narcissus’ comes from a Greek myth about a hunter who spurned all romantic advances and then fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to tear himself away, he died and a narcissus flower grew where his body had been. The way that daffodil heads tilt towards the ground is said to mimic Narcissus dropping his head to gaze at his reflection. This story is also the origin of the term ‘narcissism’, which describes someone who is selfish, overconfident, and obsessed with their personal appearance.

Wild daffodils (Narcissus pseudonarcissus) are sometimes called Lent Lilies, as they commonly bloom and die back between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. There are over 50 species of narcissus in existence and thousands of hybrids and cultivars. They come in a wide variety of colours, shapes and scents and I’ve never met one I didn’t like. Our own are slow to bloom compared to other local areas. I’ve seen lots of vibrant patches along with the snowdrops and odd drifts of crocus. We’re officially in meteorological spring now, even if the weather doesn’t seem to agree with that. Roll on Spring proper please

#daffodils #flowers nature spring

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ashaseth · 4 years

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3 Things My Father Never Taught Me

It’s Father’s Day, and just like the last 630 days, I miss papa terribly today; maybe more. I am happy for those who still have their fathers around. Trust me, you’re luckier than many.

Those of you who have been following my blog probably know that I lost my father 2 years ago. There isn’t a day I don’t miss him, but days like Father’s day just scrape the bottom of my heart a bit more deep.

In…

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vilaspatelvlogs · 4 years

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Father's Day 2020: अपने पिता को गिफ्ट करें ये खास गैजेट, बनाएं उनका दिन खास

Father’s Day 2020: अपने पिता को गिफ्ट करें ये खास गैजेट, बनाएं उनका दिन खास

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टेक डेस्क, अमर उजाला, Updated Sun, 21 Jun 2020 05:37 PM IST

फादर्स डे हर साल जून के तीसरे रविवार को मनाया जाता है। इस साल फादर्स डे 21 जून को है। फादर्स डे पहली बार 19 जून 1910 को वाशिंगटन में मनाया गया था। पिता के त्याग और समर्पण का कर्ज हम कभी नहीं उतार सकते हैं, लेकिन हम उन्हें इस खास अवसर पर कुछ गिफ्ट देकर खुश जरूर कर सकते हैं। तो आइए कुछ खास गैजेट पर नजर डालते हैं, जिन्हें आप अपने…

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canyousonicme · 3 years

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“Certain actors have a reputation for being difficult. I don’t want to be one of those people”. - Alex Kingston

 INTERVIEW: The Sunday Post

 It comes as no surprise to Alex Kingston that her daughter has decided to follow in her footsteps, despite her best efforts to temper her acting ambitions.

The actress fell pregnant with Salome, now 19, when she was playing surgeon Elizabeth Corday on the long-running US medical drama ER in the ’90s.

Alex’s pregnancy was written into the script and Salome, whose father is German writer Florian Haertel, was just weeks old when she joined the cast as Elizabeth and Dr Mark Greene’s baby girl.

Now, two decades on, mother and daughter are working together again, this time in a Doctor Who spin-off audio drama, The Diary Of River Song. Now in its eighth series, it focuses on the Time Lord’s brilliant wife, the poetically named River Song, whom Alex has played on the TV show since 2008. Salome, meanwhile, plays the part of her synthetic humanoid companion, Rachel.

Alex said: “My daughter was in my belly on ER then played the role of our baby girl Ella Greene. She’s secretly always had the desire to act, but I was always adamant that she finished her education first.

“Salome plays a character who River Song meets up with occasionally and they have adventures together. Working with my daughter has been terrific fun. I am super-impressed with her. She is incredibly professional.”

Alex with daughter Salome

For the past year Alex and Salome have been isolating together at her London home, alongside Alex’s third husband, television producer Jonathan Stamp. The pair married in an intimate Italian ceremony in 2015, and Salome was a bridesmaid.

They are joined by Alex’s German-born mother, Margarethe, who sadly suffers from dementia. It sounds like a potentially stressful set-up but Alex has cherished the unexpected extra family time lockdown gifted her.

Alex, who celebrated her 57th birthday a few days after the first lockdown was announced last March, said: “My daughter had arrived from New York and decided she wanted to live with us. Then my mother, who has dementia, suffered two strokes early on in lockdown and she moved in as well. So I was her carer.

“It was an amazingly special time. And I cherish it. Particularly with my mother, because I wouldn’t have had that opportunity otherwise.”

Like the rest of us, Alex has relied heavily on streaming services to keep her entertained during the long days spent at home. She even broke her self-imposed rule of not watching her own stuff on screen.

She said: “We did all the usual things, massive clear-outs, and of course binge-watched TV. I loved Schitt’s Creek, Call My Agent, Bridgerton and Luther. I can’t bear to watch myself on the television. However, I started watching ER, because it was streaming on Channel 4. I look at myself and it’s like I am watching someone else. It’s such a good show, and it’s really held up!”

She added: “As much as everyone is saying this is the year that they want to forget, I actually feel it’s a year one can never forget. It certainly wasn’t an easy time. However, I have much stronger memories of the year, and of the patterns of the year than I have ever had pre-pandemic, when there was always so much rushing around.”

Alex in 1994 with fellow ER cast members (l-r) Anthony Edwards, Eriq La Salle, Goran Visnjic, Noah Wyle

Alex began her career at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, where she met her first husband, Skyfall actor Ralph Fiennes. They were together for 10 years before marrying in 1993. Two years later, Alex was left bereft when Fiennes left her after an alleged affair with a co-star. The London-born actress has barely stopped working since she first appeared on UK screens in 1980, as Jill Harcourt on the iconic children’s series Grange Hill. She continued to find success in UK dramas including Upstairs Downstairs, and The Fortunes And Misfortunes of Moll Flanders.

She first appeared in the fourth series of Doctor Who alongside David Tennant in 2008. Alex thought it was a one-off but has reprised the role in 15 episodes between 2008 and 2015.

It’s thanks to her Doctor Who appearances and, more recently, Sky’s hit supernatural drama, A Discovery Of Witches, that she has become known to a new generation of fans.

During her long and successful career, Alex has never been afraid to call out sexism in the industry. When she was dropped from ER aged 41, after seven seasons, she accused producers of ageism. saying “Apparently, I, according to the producers and the writers, am part of the old fogies who are no longer interesting.”

Then, when she auditioned for the role of Lynette Scavo on Desperate Housewives which eventually went to Felicity Huffman, she says she was turned away for being too curvy.

Although vocal about the challenges that face women, she admits she has seen positive changes in attitudes towards female talent in recent years.

She says: “When I was working on ER, I thought that I wasn’t allowed to get pregnant, I didn’t want to offend the producers as that is not what they had intended. I thought that I would have to ask permission. It was Anthony Edwards, who played my on-screen husband, who said ‘Don’t be ridiculous, don’t wait for them to allow you, you are not that important. If you want to have a child, go and have a child, and they will find a way to work round you.’ So I took his advice.

“I grew up with this notion that one had to be polite and always ask for permission. Whereas this generation don’t. They just get up and do it. The lovely and talented Teresa Palmer, whom I work with on A Discovery of Witches, is constantly popping out babies. Production just work around her. And it’s great, I admire her very much for that.”

Alex in ER

Alex puts her staying power down to being in the right place at the right time – and being nice to people, though she says theatre will provide her with a safety net should the TV work dry up one day.

She said: “Being as versatile as possible helps. I’m up for anything as long it is written well.

“I had a formal training. My first love is theatre. Having that as a backbone will always support me. In an industry that will favour youth more, theatre is always there. In order to succeed on the stage you have to have had good solid training and know how to handle your voice.

“Also, being a nice person counts for a lot. If you were difficult you would get a reputation. Of course there are actors who are extremely difficult and tiresome to work with, and there will come a point at which you think is it worth it? I don’t want to be one of those people.”

Despite her time-travelling credentials Alex has no idea what the future holds but still harbours a dream of being a Bond Girl (though obviously not one who falls for the smooth-talking spy).

She laughs: “I would love to be a villain in a James Bond movie, the real villain, the main one. Because they’ve never had a female villain. And I want to be a villain who does not find James Bond sexy at all. And doesn’t succumb to his charms, I want to be his real nemesis.”

Time for a return to Tardis?

Alex alongside Peter Capaldi in Doctor Who

From ER to the Tardis, Alex’s career to date has been distinguished by roles opposite fictional doctors, whether medical or time-travelling.

The smash-hit hospital drama which made her a star in the ’90s famously launched the Hollywood career of a certain George Clooney. Then in 2008, Alex won a new generation of fans as the wife of Doctor Who.

Because the Doctor transmutates over time Alex, as River Song, gets several leading men for the price of one. Alex said: “Essentially my character is the same, so there’s continuity there, and the fun is interacting with someone who is essentially the same man, but in a different skin and with a different energy.”

Perhaps the least lucky man in the role was Matt Smith.

Alex explained: “One of the most memorable parts of filming was when I flew through the universe, got caught in the Tardis and kneed Matt Smith, who was playing the Doctor at the time, in a sore place by mistake. There were a few tears of laughter from me and cries of pain from him.”

Speculation is rife among fans that Alex will return to the Whoniverse, if the incumbent Time Lord Jodie Whittaker steps down. All Alex will say is: “My Tardis door is always open…” [x]

#Alex Kingston #Salome Haertel #River Song #Doctor Who #Kingston Edit #ER #NEW #Interview #2021 #The Sunday Post #New

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amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines · 3 years

Text

Riverdale//without you i’d be nothing (part 2)

hey! here’s part 1 if you wanna read it! i hope you like it!! and have a nice day!

- So

- He proposed not long after the premiere

- And it wasn’t a surprise to anyone

- Well...

- Except to you

- Despite him being absolutely awful at trying to keep it a secret

- He was so bad in fact that the majority of your friends were convinced that you were just pretending to be surprised to spare his feelings

- But no

- You were actually shocked

- And so the two of you spent the rest of 2019 planning the perfect wedding.

- And after hours spent looking through your diaries in order to find a day you were booth free

- You set a date

- February 15th 2020

- Not Valentines Day

- But close enough for it to still be romantic

- And at 3pm the two of you tied the knot in front of all your friends and family

- It was a stressful 6 months

- A very, very stressful 6 months

- But it was definitely worth it

- Looking at him made it all worth it

- ‘i can’t believe i am marrying my best friend. when we first met, i could never even begin to imagine how important you would end up being to me. i never thought i’d end up here with you, and i am so glad i didn’t drop out of making that film, even if i did have to do a british accent, because not only did I gain a party trick. i also gained my soulmate and i’d be nothing without you’

- ‘shit...what am i supposed to say to that?’

- The two of you spent the rest of the night partying

- And when everyone had either gone home or passed out

- You two stayed in the reception hall

- And slow danced to Douglas singing softly in your ear, underneath a mirrorball

- The two of you then ran off to your hotel room

- And Douglas pulled a bunch of your favourite snacks from his suitcase that he had specifically packed for you

- ‘we’ve only been married for 12 hours but you’re already the best husband in the world’

- Once back from the honeymoon

- The two of you started apartment hunting

- You had loved the place you already had

- But you wanted something new to start married life

- Something that felt like it belonged to the both of you

- Instead of just one and then the other had moved in

- So the next month was spent looking for your perfect home

- And thankfully it didn’t take you that long to find a cute little apartment outside of the centre of Vancouver

- With a little balcony that you’d already bought a bunch of fairy lights and furniture for

- Two bedrooms, so you can store all your unpacked boxes in

- ‘we’ll get to it eventually’

- You spent hours in Ikea looking for furniture to fill your new home

- And the two of you played pretend in the fake kitchens

- That is until you ended up getting chased out by the security guards

- When you move in, you sleep on the living room floor for the first night

- Despite the place being fully furnished and decorated

- ‘we need to get the full experience, baby’

- ‘and that includes sleeping on a rug when the bed is literally in there?’

- ‘yeah’

- ‘...okay?’

- The two of you spend the night talking about all the memories you’re gonna make together

- ‘i am gonna cook for you every week’

- ‘and we’ll dance in the kitchen while we wait for the takeout i had to order after your burnt the dinner’

- ‘hey!’

- ‘true though’

- ‘we can have movie nights and we can watch you be brilliant in all of them’

- ‘we are not watching my movies’

- ‘why not?’

- ‘because’

- ‘i suppose i get to see you in person and that’s much better’

- ‘we’ll have proper dinner parties because we’re proper adults’

- ‘and then we’ll play drunk twister because we’re actually really childish’

- ‘and i’ll definitely win’

- ‘only because you cheat’

- ‘how can you cheat at twister?’

- ‘you. tickle’

- ‘i can’t wait until we can invite all our friends over, i’m actually starting to miss jordan and drew’

- ‘you know what? me too’

- The two of you spend the next few months in lockdown

- Picking up and abandoning several new hobbies

- And doing a lot of auditioning for when the world re-opens

- However any role you’re offered as wells as life itself gets put on hold when you find out your pregnant

- Douglas is over the moon

- Bouncing around the apartment

- Shouting various things:

- ‘i’m gonna be a dad!’

- ‘i love you so fucking much!’

- ‘i’m gonna make you the happiest person alive!’

- To which you reply

- ‘you already have’

- And the next day

- Douglas has already bought a bunch of baby and parenting books

- As well as making a Pinterest board so he can find inspiration for the nursery

- ‘oh shit, we’re actually gonna have to unpack’

- ‘...damn’

- And you eventually do

- Well he does

- You get banished to the living room so you can relax.

- Over the next 7 and a half months, Doug does absolutely anything he can to bond with the baby

- He talks to it at every chance he gets

- Just telling it about his day

- But your favourite thing is when he sings to your bump

- His voice soft and smooth and his hand sprawled over your growing tummy

- And your baby always kicks whenever Douglas’ wedding ring touches your skin

- The two of you make a reluctant deal to watch one of the movies your both in

- Just so the baby can get to know you

- But it is absolutely not watching The Dirt

- Even if it is still inside of your stomach

- You and Vanessa bond over the highs and lows of pregnancy

- And Douglas takes notes in order to figure out the best way to support you

- Not that he could do any more to support you

- And when the time comes

- There isn’t anyone else you’d rather have by your side

- Even if he does say really stupid things like:

- ‘hey, when i was in the dirt, iwan hit me in the dick with a microphone and it really fucking hurt, so i kinda know what you’re going throu-owWW!’

- But when baby Lucy comes into the world

- Named after a dear friend and already looking like her father, it’s all completely worth it

- Because you’ve never seen Douglas look so happy

- You thought he looks at home on stage

- But this is a far better sight

- Your husband and daughter meeting for the first time

- And both of them instantly in awe with each other

- The two of you settle into parenthood quite quickly

- Despite not having a clue what you’re doing

- Turns out you can read all the parenting books in the world

- But when you’re actually handed the kid and told to look after it, all of that goes out the window

- The day after you get back from the hospital

- As you’re trying to sort out the abundance of gifts you’ve been sent while settling Lucy

- You get a surprise call from some very familiar faces

- Colson, Iwan, Daniel, Nikki, Tommy, Mick and Vince

- All very excited to meet your newest arrival

- ‘aww, she looks just like her dad’

- ‘poor kid’

- ‘shut up’

- And when Lucy starts to get fussy

- Daniel and Vince sing a lullabied version of Home Sweet Home and she falls asleep within seconds

- She has no idea how lucky she is

- But you do

- You’re the luckiest person in the world

- And you’d be nothing without her

support my writing! if you want!

#riverdale #riverdale imagine #douglas booth #douglas booth imagine #lili reinhart #camila mendes #cole sprouse #kj apa #charles melton #casey cott #madelaine petch #vanessa morgan #jordan connor #drew ray tanner

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buckaroosboogara · 3 years

Text

911 week - Day 2:

“Why are you sitting in a tree?” + fun

@911week

(1900~ words, Eddie, Hen, Karen and Buck.)

Eddie explained his plan to Karen. It was easy, two swings hanging from a simple wooden structure and another hanging from a branch of the only tree in their, very beautiful in Eddie's opinion, backyard.

Of course, things had to go wrong the day before he went to the Wilson's place and arranged the swings. With wrong being Buck knowing his little secret.

He would be the death of Eddie.

Hen had accidentally slipped it in a conversation at the station.

She said that Denny and Nia wanted a new swing because the one in their house was old and worn out and then Buck had jumped with an anecdote about how he ended up with 5 stitches on his lips because a swing had crashed into them as Chim just shook his head with fond disappointment.

Eddie though, Eddie just thought that maybe a surprise visit to Hen's place wouldn't be a bad idea.

Later that day he messaged Karen, asking if he could swing by, no pun intended, in a moment when Hen wasn't around because he wanted to talk with her. Karen agreed, she always liked the mystery.

So, some days later and with the excuse to take Chris to a sleepover at the Wilson's, Eddie explained his plan to Karen. It was easy, two swings hanging from a simple wooden structure and another hanging from a branch of the only tree in their, very beautiful in Eddie's opinion, backyard.

Karen was thrilled with the idea and she offered to pay but Eddie declined it. He would gift it to his friends, after the hell year that was 2020 they deserved a nice surprise.

He had to be quiet about it though. If he told Buck he would tell Bobby and Maddie, who would tell Athena and Chimney who would tell Hen (the latter rather than the police Sergeant) and he didn't want that.

With Karen's okay he sketched the structure and made a note to himself to go and ask for an estimated budget at his to-go hardware store next time he went to his Abuela's.

So there he was, a week later.

"Hey Eddie," the store manager, Nico friendly greeted him.

"Hey Nico," He said back.

"It's good to see you here again, does Isabel's fence need another repair?" And without a beat, Nico reasoned, "No, no it's only been a month since the last repair. So it has to be paint for the deck? See, I can lower the price for you if you buy more tha-

"Uh, I came here for another reason Nic," Eddie chuckled after cutting him. "I was wondering if you could make a budget for this..."

He showed Nico the rough sketch and the materials he needed and the other man smiled.

"Ah, I see. I have some of the things you need, but the poles will be another story. I can recommend you a lumber company to get the wood." Nico said, taking the paper and looking for appropriate screws and ropes.

"That would be amazing, thanks."

"And while I do that, tell me how did that skateboard thing for your kid go,"

Eddie smiled and unlocked his phone to show him the pictures Carla had taken of that day.

"Well..."

...

Of course, things had to go wrong the day before he went to the Wilson's place and arranged the swings in their backyard.

Well, wrong would be exaggerating. More like things didn't stay as quiet as Eddie wanted.

He had just woken up on Saturday for a shift, his mind a groggy and grumpy mess until the coffee hit his lips, so he was in the kitchen trying to make his old coffeemaker work.

He really needed a new one, Eddie thought just as he heard a key on his doorlock and then said door opening.

His mind just assumed, oh it's just Buck.

OH, IT'S BUCK.

Eddie's mind got a moment of clarity.

He could hear Buck taking his shoes off and ranting an excuse for being there so early as he helplessly looked around his dining and living room, both full of ropes, screws, papers, and God-knows-what-else.

He needed to clean everything but he did not have time.

"Hey, are you hearing me, man?" Buck said as he stepped into Eddie who was in the middle of the room looking like a deer caught in headlights, only wearing underwear and a t-shirt and lots of things on his hands.

He snorted and started laughing loudly while Eddie blushed hard.

"Oh, oh- please, what the-" Buck tried to talk but got cut by a wave of laughter that had him letting go of the box with pastries he had brought and held his belly and chest.

Eddie's embarrassment turned into slight annoyance. He tried to place his hands - and the things - lower so he could cover his underwear, and then cleared his throat. "Are you finished or you will laugh for the next five minutes?"

"I'm- I'm sorry man, it's just that-" Buck cleared his throat to stop the laughter and get serious. It didn't work as he snorted again.

Eddie gave him a look.

"Okay, okay," Buck breathed in slowly picking the pastry box again. "So, what's up with all this mess?"

"Dios, dame paciencia." Eddie muttered as he placed the things back on the couch. "Okay so, A, I'm so glad Christopher is at a sleepover because I'm sure the neighbors could hear you laughing. B, this is my house so I ask the questions darling which takes me to D,"

He stopped to take a breath. "What the fuck are you doing here so early?"

"Has anyone told you you have a damn good pulmonary capacity?" The other man asked.

"Buck."

"Okay, I was passing by to pick you up to go to our shift." Buck shrugged. Eddie knew there was more to it but let it go.

"Now go and put on some proper clothes and then answer what's going on with all this and the poles outside. I'll be here preparing a breakfast-to-go."

Eddie begrudgingly accepted and went to his room and changed clothes.

On their way, Eddie explained Buck his plans for the swings. They were arriving at the firehouse when he made Buck promise he wouldn't tell anyone about it.

And the other man put a condition, Eddie would call him if he needed help the next day.

Eddie rolled his eyes and agreed, while he had experience building things with his father he knew Buck equaled his experience.

Now he needed to survive a shift with Buck trying to keep a secret.

Great.

...

Things didn't go as bad as Eddie thought they would go.

The next day when Hen arrived at the firehouse for her shift, Eddie greeted her and Buck was vibrating suspiciously when it was his turn.

Hen quirked an eyebrow at Eddie who made his best effort to seem normal and shrugged. She made a weird face in return and let them walk away.

Once in Buck's Jeep both let out a breath they didn't know were holding. The drive to Eddie's place was filled with an excited air.

A quick morning nap was all it took for Eddie to recharge batteries and soon enough he was on his truck, poles, ropes, and tools in the trunk, and on his way to pick up his son from his Abuela and then to Hen and Karen's house.

Their garden was a view that always made Eddie's breath hitch.

Karen had an excellent hand for plants, unlike Eddie.

She had climbing plants and trees on their fences to keep away nosey neighbors, a garden of blooming roses and another with tulips, and a mini forest of growing trees in flower pots filling the place with a cool air that was much needed in the Californian summer.

Almost in the middle, there was a medium-sized oak where he was planning to hang a swing.

He put his hands to work and decided to start taking the poles out of the trunk and onto the backyard.

Of course, when he almost got crushed to the ground by one of the poles he called Buck, and in the meantime, he took his tools to the garden and climbed the tree to start attaching the rope.

The youngest firefighter arrived some minutes later, scanning the place until he found Eddie.

“Why are you sitting in a tree?” Buck asked, his head inclined to get a better look.

"Maybe because a swing is going to hang from here, but you already knew that." Eddie answered back struggling to stay seated.

"Be kind and pass me that rope?" He pointed at a rope on the floor right under him.

"Sure."

Hours passed, the tree swing was ready and strong enough to support Buck so it was safe for kids, and the support structure of the other two was almost done.

Karen invited them to go inside and eat some sandwiches the kids had helped her make for them.

"Oh, Buck these don't have pickles. I know you don't like them." Karen pointed at the ones on the left side of the plate and Buck felt warmth spreading inside him because she remembered.

Buck ignored Eddie's teasing look and moaned at the taste of the ham and cheese sandwich. "Oh my God, this is awesome Karen."

"Is this homemade bread?" Eddie asked before Karen could say they were just sandwiches.

They were heavenly sandwiches.

"Yeah, we learned to do it during the lockdown." She answered, smiling proudly. "How's the project going?"

"On track and almost done. We just need to put the swings on the upper pole and then attach it to the supports, we put it straight, and ta-dah! Ready to have lots of fun!" Buck smiled with his hands shaking on either side of his face.

"You did it faster than I thought." Karen commented. "And tomorrow you two will come after Hen's done with her after-work nap. You have no excuse."

"Yes ma'am." Eddie answered as the other man nodded.

"Great. Oh and, thanks again. I appreciate it."

"Nonsense, it's our pleasure to do this. You are family." Eddie assured.

...

"What's this surprise you're telling me about?" Hen asked Karen the next day, as she hugged her from behind.

"Good morning darling." Karen answered while she turned around to kiss her, purposely avoiding the question.

"Please?" Hen teased.

"Well-" Karen was cut by a squeal and many laughs from their backyard. Hen tried to look outside but she grabbed her hand to have her attention.

"Come with me."

And so she did.

The last thing Hen imagined to see when the door opened was Denny, Nia, and Chris playing in the swings with Eddie and Buck taking care of them and having as much fun as the kids, but there they were.

"Surprise!" They all exclaimed.

"What in the-" Hen gasped as she walked into the garden with wide eyes. "Eddie? Buck? What are you doing here? What is this?"

Eddie chuckled as he got closer to the couple, "And here I thought it looked like swings and not just a mess."

"How?" Hen asked breathlessly.

"Well, it was all Eddie's idea." Buck added from the swings, watching the kids.

"Really?"

Now Eddie was blushing slightly, "Yeah. I heard you some weeks ago in the firehouse and I thought it would be fun to do it."

"Oh Eddie, I love it." Hen got out of her shock and hugged the man tightly. "Thanks. It means more than what you think."

"I'm glad you like it because there are no refunds!" Eddie chuckled, still in the hug. "And I know."

He let go of her and stepped aside, watching the kids enjoy the new swings.

Eddie let out a contented sigh. "I know."

#some fun fluff because our hearts need it #especially after last night #nevermind i almost forgot to post this 😅#911week2021 #911 on fox #911 fox #evan buckley #hen wilson #karen wilson #eddie diaz #fun #swings and trees #author knows about swings and building just not in english #my fics

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obxfics · 4 years

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Birthday Surprise

summary: it’s John B’s birthday, and you and the Pogues have something up your sleeves.

pairing: john b x reader

word count: 2,342

requested by @libby-rose-2016

a/n: i hope this is okay! you didn’t have anything specific and this is actually the second idea i tried out lmao. hope you enjoy it!

“Does everyone understand their missions?”

You, Kie, and Pope all nodded in response to JJ’s question as the four of you huddled together in the van. JJ was taking his job as mission leader very seriously, and had surprised everyone by printing out agendas from the computers at his job at the Country Club. You all had snuck out and met up in front of the Chateau earlier in the morning to brainstorm, and every minute of it you were afraid John B would wake up and catch on to what y’all were planning.

“y/n,” JJ whispered, catching your attention again from where it had been drifting. “Stick to the agenda, okay? We’re on a tight schedule which means no macking unless I specifically wrote it in, got it?”

You stifled a laugh and saluted him, your game face unwavering. Today was important, and you couldn’t afford to fuck things up. You all had a job to do.

“We’ll be waiting here for your signal,” Pope said as he gave you an encouraging pat on the back. “You’ve got this.”

You and Kie clasped arms for a second, communicating good luck with your eyes, before you stood up and quietly rolled the door open. You offered the other three on last salute and set off towards John B’s porch. You carefully hopped around on the creaky ass wood, having done this enough times during your late night rendezvous with John B when JJ had been passed out on the couch and you had to sneak past him. Finally you slipped through the screen door and you were inside. You gave yourself a quick victory fist bump before getting back to business and tip-toeing to John B’s room. As you opened the door, you felt your gaze soften at the sigh of your boyfriend’s sleeping form. He looked so cute and peaceful, so you felt a little bad about what you were about to do.

A yell left John B’s throat when you leapt onto him and screamed, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

There were a couple seconds when he flailed around thinking he was being attacked, but he quickly calmed down when he realized it was just you peppering his face with kisses.

“What the hell was that?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around you to prevent you from pulling back.

“A birthday surprise, duh.”

“Hell of a surprise, sweetheart. I thought someone was trying to murder me.”

“Nope, just my cute ass!”

He grinned at you and gently smacked your ass, causing you to roll your eyes.“I love your cute ass.”

Your eyes fluttered shut as he dragged you down into a kiss, the sweet, lazy sort you loved to receive when the two of you had just woken up. Had it been any other time, you would not have hesitated to deepen it and spend the next hour in bed with him, but you forced yourself to remember you were on a mission. John B let out a cute whine when you managed to pull away and slip out of his arms.

“Why’d you stop? It’s my birthday,” he whined, crossing his arms and giving you a little pout. “Don’t I get a birthday present?”

“Oh, sweetpea, you get to spend the whole day with me. We’ve got plenty of time for your present later,�� you promised with a wink. “As for right now, we gotta get you ready for brunch!”

“What do you mean?”

You grabbed his hands and started pulling him up, happy that he decided to help you instead of being difficult. You smiled up at him once he was on his feet, wrapping your arms around his waist and preening under his soft gaze.

“My dad’s making you a birthday brunch, and even managed to rope in my brothers to help.” You reached down to pat his butt and said, “Get your ass dressed so we can eat some food!”

He pressed a kiss to your forehead and moved back to get to his dresser. You sat on his bed, doing your best to somewhat make it while not getting up.

“What about the others?”

“JJ’s got work until six, Kie is under lockdown until tonight when she can sneak out, and Heyward has Pope delivering shit all over the island. We’ll hopefully meet up tonight, but the boys will be exhausted so who knows.”

You bit your lip to hide a smile when you saw John B grumpily pull a shirt over his head.

“But it’s my birthday.”

You walked up to him and wrapped your arms around his waist to press a kiss against his clothed back.

“I know, JB, and they would all be here if they could, but JJ could lose his job if he missed, Kie’s parents would probably kill us if she tried to leave right now, and you know how Pope gets when he disappoints his dad.”

John B sighed, but you saw him nod. He understood what you were saying. At least you could be here, and damn did your dad know how to cook.

Your parents ran a restaurant that was especially popular with the Kooks for their weekend brunches, and although your mother had been raised in the Figure Eight as a Kook, she didn’t marry rich. Your dad had a humble upbringing down on the Florida Gulf Coast, but had moved here once he was married to your mom. Your mother, and surprisingly your grandparents, had long ago given up the whole Kook vs Pogue mentality, and your whole family loved the boys. There had even been a few times when JJ had gone to sleep at your grandparents’ place instead of the Chateau; the allure of a soft bed, warm shower, and home-cooked meal was too strong for him to resist.

Your two older brothers had both graduated and were off in college doing their own thing—the oldest studying hard and the middle enjoying the party scene—but y’all were still close, and when they were in town they both on occasion would take the time to surf or fish with the Pogues. Your family had all but adopted your friends, and it showed in the effort they put into celebrating each of their birthdays.

“What’s on the menu?” John B asked as he let you lead him out of the house by his hand. “Is Papa y/l/n making those bomb ass waffles and pancakes he made for Pope’s birthday?”

“Would you just be patient and wait until we get there?”

“You have no idea do you.”

“…Bitch.”

John B laughs and squeezes your hand. As the two of you pass by the Volkswagen, you whistle, signally for your other friends to sneak into the house and get started on their mission. You quickly dragged John B down for a kiss when you thought you heard the van door slide open and grass rustle as your friends ran for the house. You knew from experience that your boyfriend had a habit of drowning out the world around him when you kissed. He tried to follow when you pulled back, causing you to laugh and push him towards the driver’s side of the van.

“I don’t think it’s fair that you keep teasing me on my birthday,” he grumbled after starting up the Volkswagen. “You should be nicer to me.”

“I’m sorry baby,” you cooed. “I promise that I’ll stop teasing you. I just don’t want to be late for brunch, and have my brothers tease you on your birthday more than I’m teasing you right now.”

“They’ll still tease us. They always do.”

“Well you are dating the baby of the family.”

“Are your grandparents going to be there?”

“Of course! I think they might be gifting you a weekend at their vacation home down in the Keys.”

You laughed at the look on John B’s face. “I keep telling y’all that they love you more than they love their actual grandkids.”

“Fuck, I love your grandparents.”

“What about me?”

Now it was his time to laugh at you. He chanced a quick kiss to your lips before focusing completely on the road.

“You know you’re still my favorite, sweetheart.”

John B let out a low whistle when he pulled up to your family’s restaurant. Your dad couldn’t afford to close the place down for the day no matter how much he wanted to, so the balcony was filled with Kooks in their Sunday best. Your boyfriend felt immensely underdressed for his own birthday celebration. Sensing his discomfort, you slipped your hand into his and laced your fingers together.

“Come on, love, let’s go eat so much we explode.”

He couldn’t help the huge smile that grew on his face or the tears that formed in his eyes when he walked into the restaurant and saw your family waiting for him. They popped a few confetti poppers and rushed to hug him. You took a step back to allow your family to completely surround John B in their love. Your mother and grandmother kissed him on his cheeks, and your dad wished his “son-in-law” a very happy birthday. John B received firm pat on the back from your grandfather who couldn’t keep the fondness from his eyes as he grinned at your boyfriend. And then of course your brothers teased him for the look on his face when he walked in.

You walked up to him after your family had dispersed, feeling your heart melt at the watery smile you received. You cradled his face in your hands, kissing away any tear that managed to escape.

“Are you happy?” you asked.

He brushed his nose along the bridge of yours and let out a soft sigh. “I am so happy. Thank you for all this.”

“I mean, my parents did most of it.”

“No, thank you for bringing me into your family.”

His eyes closed as you ran your fingers through his thick locks and tugged lightly. “Of course, honey. I love you so much.”

“Believe me, not as much as I love you,” he whispered, bringing his lips closer to yours.

“Hey, lovebirds!” your oldest brother yelled. “You gonna eat or what?”

“I’ll kill him,” you promised, causing John B to laugh.

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s get some food.”

You spent most of the afternoon with your family. Like you had predicted, your grandparents had gifted John B with a weekend getaway at their place in the Keys, and he had met your eyes, the promise of a romantic trip hidden in the hazel depths. You had left him with your brothers and mother as you went to go help your father wash the dishes.

“He looks happy,” your dad observed. “He deserves it, all the shit that boy has gone through.”

“He likes the family, thank god. I think he’s still surprised Kooks like him.”

“What’s there not to like? He’s smart, polite, and he treats my baby well.”

“Dad, thank you. For, you know, accepting the Pogues.”

“God only knows the shit they get from everyone else,” your dad sighed. “They’re good kids, and I’m glad I can offer them a safe place to eat and stay when things get tough.” He reached out to touch your cheek. “And they make you happy.”

Your phone buzzed on the counter. You dried off your hands to check and saw a text from Kie. It was time. You rejoined the rest of your family and bent down to whisper in John B’s ear.

“I think it’s time for your birthday present, don’t you think?”

Suddenly he was sitting up straighter, causing you to laugh. You knew that would work to get him to leave without him getting suspicious.

“We have to go meet up with the others,” you explained to your family.

Your family were quick to say their goodbyes and send the both of you off with hugs and kisses. You almost felt bad seeing how eager John B was to get home, but you knew he would still like the surprise waiting for him.

The sun was low on the horizon when the van finally pulled up to the Chateau, and you hurried to cover John B’s eyes, causing him to let out a scoff.

“What’s this?”

“Just keep walking, will you?”

“I can’t see anything, honey,” he drawled.

“Don’t get sassy with me, John B. You’ve made this walk plenty of times drunk off your ass, so I think you can manage it now.”

Finally you managed to get him to move forward until he was standing right where you wanted him. A giddy feeling rose in you when you removed your hands from his eyes and hurried to join JJ, Kie, and Pope under the large tree in the yard. You watched as John B took in his surroundings.The other three had spent the whole afternoon covering the branches of the tree and lining the roof of the house with string lights, but the main point of the whole surprise was the picnic all set up beside JJ’s jacuzzi. A whole feast (prepared by your family) was spread out, and you were impressed with how the “Happy Birthday, John B” sign had turned out. It wasn’t anything fancy, but John B could see how much effort was put behind it.

“You guys are insane,” he breathed out. “You assholes actually planned something like this? What are we, Kooks?”

You could hear him start crying as the four of you embraced him. He loved you guys; you all were his family, and his family had done all this for him. He realized that it took the whole afternoon for them to do this, and that’s why you had dragged him out with your family the whole time.

“I love you guys,” he whispered.

“Aw, shit, we love you too, John B,” JJ said.

“We’re family,” Pope added.

“And this is just what family does,” Kie laughed.

“Happy Birthday, John B,” you finished.

#john b #john b routledge #john b x reader #outer banks #outer banks netflix #outer banks imagine #outer banks x reader #obx #obx netflix #obx imagine #obx x reader

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eunoiaflow3r · 4 years

Text

Not Who I Am Anymore - Oscar Diaz

A/N: we’re not going to talk about the ending lol. uhm will definitely have a few mistakes.

Warnings: language, angst, fluff, mentions of death (not to reader, or oscar). fem!reader.

Summary: Y/N’s past is something that dictates a couple of her decisions. This includes smoking and drinking. Everyone think’s she’s weird for it. She has her reasons.

Word Count: 5.4k

You thought you had moved on. You thought that with the help, and the mentoring, the flashbacks, the thoughts, and the urges would go away. But they didn’t. Here you were at a Santos party, smoke in the air, alcohol littered across the long tables and the music wafting through the air ten times louder than it probably should have been. On the sidewalk, you took this time to really look at your surroundings and really scope out the area.

Spooky was on the porch, a glass bottle of beer sitting swiftly in his hands. Instead of his usual beader, a black shirt was fitted loosely, paired with black shorts and sneakers..and, of course, the ultimate gold chain that sat proudly around his neck. He was talking to Sad Eyes - you think his name was, when he noticed you, kind of to yourself, watching him. He smirked at you and walked over to where you were.

“Aye wassup? Can’t believe you actually came.” He gives you a kind of half-hug, before stepping away and really taking you in. You weren’t dressed like the rest of the girls who wore crop tops, and short shirts and skirts with heels. No, you at a Santos party, chose to wear jeans and a jacket. It looked a lot like something That girl Monse would wear, but he wasn’t gonna tell you that.

“Came to watch the underage kids here, and make sure they stay out of trouble.”

That was only half the truth. Of course, you came for the kids, especially Ruby and Jamal - you knew they could get into some serious trouble if they were along for long enough...but when Spooky first told you about the party, you knew you’d be there. No, you tried to convince yourself not to go. Alcohol and weed wasn’t a good idea, and you knew that. Spooky on the other hand, sure could be convincing, and maybe you were unknowingly making a deal with the devil by accepting his invitation, but at the time you didn’t care. Now you do.

“That really all you came for? I wasn’t part of that decision?”

The bottle in his hands was looking absolutely irresistible. The smoke in the air that you inhaled made your heart hurt because you knew if you did anything tonight, you’d be in trouble. That’s why you snuck your hand into your pocket and clutched your 2-year pin in your hands. Never again would you go back to the place you were in two years ago. Never again you promised yourself.

Oscar seemed to notice your eyes on his bottle though and unfortunately asked if you wanted some. You painfully refused and asked him if he could just get you a bottle of water instead.

“Of course. Be right back.”

You remember when you first met “Spooky.” It was unconventional at the least. You were visiting Mario and his family during the summer. His mother absolutely adored you, and let you stay for however long you needed. You went back home, but right before school started, you decided to move to Freeridge more permanently. She let you stay until you could find your own place. Ruby, like the little devil he is, stole your clothes while you were in the shower.

You chased him around in a towel for them, until eventually you were locked outside, and pounding on the door pleading for him to let you in. His friends did nothing to help you, and you wouldn’t forgive them for weeks after that. Anyway, this just so happened to be the time where there was that lockdown. Minutes before it happened, Spooky approached the house, and he at the very least was intrigued. It’s not every day you see a beautiful kinda naked girl knocking on a door. When he approached you, you had absolutely no idea what to do.

A gang leader, you knew by the infamous name, “Spooky,” was smirking at you as you were half-naked, and he didn’t even know your name.

“I - I uhm.” You paused, trying to gain some kind of composure. “ ‘S not my fault they locked me out.”

He smiled, you eyed his teardrop tattoo, and he looked you up and down from head to toe and back up again as if you hadn’t even been wearing the towel at all. “A gift from the Heavens if you ask me.”

You shyly looked away, and thankfully, if not weirdly, you were cut off by sirens. Angered, Spooky started banging on the door demanding for them to let the two of you in. As soon as they noticed the sirens and the knocks that didn’t sound like yours anymore, Ruby wearily let you and the gang leader in.

To say the kids, especially Jamal was scared shitless was an understatement. You couldn’t bear seeing Spooky again, especially being barely clothed so you stayed locked in the room you shared with Olivia, embarrassingly hiding from Spooky and his wandering eyes.

The second time you ran into him, you were fully clothed thankfully. You found your own place, not too far from Ruby’s and Monse’s houses. What you didn’t know, was that his house was right around the corner as well, and on your way to your new job - Dwayne’s Joint. You needed a job, and how could Jamal’s father let anyone go when they were in need? So here you were, a waitress now, about to take an order for Cesar and his brother.

His eyebrow when he saw you and so did that signature smirk. “Aye, Y/N you walk here?”

“Yeah actually - how did you know my name?” you ask bewildered.

Cesar sunk down his seat not making eye contact with you. “I told him.” he whispered.

“Oh, and did you tell him that I worked here as well?”

Cesar’s no response was all the response you needed. Instead of reacting in the irritated way you wanted, you began actually doing your job. It’s too early to lose it - you literally couldn’t afford it. “What can I get you guys?”

“When your shift end?” Spooky asked not answering your question.

“Cesar, you want some fries?” You ask avoiding Spooky’s question. He said nothing, under Spooky’s intimidating eyes. You walked away anyway and got fries for Cesar and Spooky to share just so you didn’t have to spend any extra time under Spooky’s gaze. When the fries were done, you brought them to their table, and Cesar thanked you for it, but all Spooky did was look you up and down, wink and snatch a few fries from the basket.

What you didn’t realize was it was 5 minutes passed your shift being over so you grabbed your stuff, and walked out the door, ready to walk your tired self home.

“Uh uh,” Spooky caught your arm, “Let me give you a ride.”

“Oh, so now you know where I live too?” You asked clearly irritated. He had seen you almost naked, knew your name, where you lived, and you didn’t even know his real name.

“It’s a small block,” he shrugged, “Besides, you're tired. What type of man would I be to let you walk home alone this late?’

At this point, you didn’t have the energy to argue with this man any longer, so you just let the man take you home.

Ever since then, you’d see him around, and he wouldn’t waste any time flirting with you. You’d humor him, you’ll admit it, but you had no idea what compelled you to say yes to a drug and alcohol filled party.

Maybe it was his smile or his muscles, maybe it was his incredibly sexy and convincing voice, or maybe it was that time he kissed you before you he dropped you off at your house.

He was telling you how his Dad came back, and he was ranting, and you knew it had been an incredible stressor for him. When it used to awkward around him, because of the towel incident, you were now incredibly comfortable around him, and it was almost like it never happened - although with flirty remarks he reminded you almost every day.

You were saying goodnight when he kissed you. You were surprised, to say the least, but you kissed him back with just as much passion as you were receiving from his end. He couldn’t take it when he couldn’t feel any of you, so he pulled you into his seat, right onto his seat so that you were straddling him. You ended up hitting the horn on accident, and you both broke out in laughter before he kissed you again. His hands roamed from your hair to your shoulders, to your side and back, and finally to your ass where he wasn’t afraid to give a little attention to.

You don’t know how long you were in that car, but you know that after that night, a blush seemed to be permanently tinted on your cheeks when you’re around him, your lips a little swollen, and hickies would almost always be littered across your skin.

Since you first met him, you knew he was probably a bad idea. He’s not a bad person, but a bad idea. How could you be around the literal epitome of the life you used to live. Did you want to live around that life again? Certainly not. But Spooky made up for it. He never wanted you around during gang-related things and perhaps that distracted you from how bad living this life really was.

Now that you were here though, all you could think about was that pin in your pocket and how long it took you to actually get it. You weren’t giving that up for one stupid night, no matter how hot he was, and how good his lips felt on yours.

Usually Oscar, (you call him that now), never invited you to these things. He knew they weren’t really your scene. And you were appreciative of that. He knew you didn’t like alcohol, or smoking, or drugs, and he wanted to ask, so many times but he could tell that you probably didn’t wanna talk about it. And at the end of the day, did it really matter anyway?

When Oscar came back with your water, you were thankful for the distraction from all the urges surrounding you. You didn’t want to leave too early - you didn’t want to disappoint Oscar, but if things started to become too overwhelming for you, you would have no choice.

“Oscar?” You asked, looking him in his beautiful brown eyes.

“Hm?” He hummed wrapping his arm around your hips.

“Wanna dance with me?”

“I don’t dance mujer hermosa.”

You smiled, intertwining your fingers with his. “You’ll dance with me.”

You pulled him to the lawn where everyone else who was dancing was, and pulled him in front of you. He smiled down at you amusingly following your lead. Reluctantly, he joined you and you both danced - until he decided he needed to be back in control and spun you around so that your back was against his, and you danced against him for a while.

He had to admit that you were unlike anyone he had ever met. He liked it, he liked you, so when you pulled away he was disappointed. You promised him you’d be back and you were just getting a refreshment. You asked if he wanted something, but he refused politely telling you he was fine.

You went over to the refreshment table, but standing in front of the waters, perfectly stacked by Ruby, were two women, who were conversating. “Uhh, excuse me.”

They turned around with glasses full of tequila, their hair almost hitting you in the face. Their cleavage was hanging out, and from what you could tell, their asses were out as well. ‘Must be hella uncomfortable.’ you thought noticing how tight the clothes must be to leave nothing to the imaginations.

“Ooh look,” the brunette squealed, “it’s Spooky’s bitch.”

You were shocked. Since when were you anyone’s anything? You and Oscar sure haven’t put a label on anything, but you sure as hell weren’t claimed and definitely were not about to be called out of your name.

“I just want some water.” You sighed opting to take the easy way out. You didn’t want to start any fights here.

“What don’t want nothing stronger?” The darker haired one asked. “Bourbon? Tequila? Beer? Whiskey?”

“The water is fine.” you were growing impatient with their antics. Could you just get your damn water?

“What you can’t take it? You a lightweight or somethin?”

You rolled your eyes, and the brunette caught it.

“La perra fea probablemente ni siquiera puede hablar español. ¿Para qué coño está ella aquí?”

(Ugly bitch probably can't even speak spanish. What the fuck she even here for?)

You scoffed, but waited to hear the other girl's reaction.

“Ni siquiera sé lo que Spooky ve en ella. Probablemente esa mirada falsa e inocente que tenía.”

(I don't even know what Spooky see in her. Probably that fake innocent look she got going on.)

You were done with these girls but remembered that pin you had in your pocket and everything you had to do to get it. So you gained your composure.

“Escuchen chicas, solo quiero un poco de agua. Solo muévete de la puta manera.”

(Listen girls, I just want some water. Just move out the fucking way.)

And they moved out of your way. Despite what they said, that kind of hurt you, you didn’t want any drama. Especially with a crowd of gang members, and alcohol. It wouldn’t ev=nd well so yeah, you took the easy way out.

You went to go find Oscar, but you were pulled away by Ruby. Jamal was next to him. “Hey Ruby, what’s up?”

“Hey Y/N…” he said, obviously hiding something.

“What’s wrong?” You asked wearily.

He wouldn’t look you in the eyes. “Nothing….”

He was lying, and you were impatient. “Jamal, what’s going on.”

“Oscar and some guys are in the house asking why your like not drinking and smoking and stuff and they said that you were a sleeze and that you were way too innocent and that the only reason Spooky is with you is because you are good in bed but how would anyone know because you don’t dress like a -”

“Okay Jamal that’s enough!” Ruby yelled covering up Jamal’s mouth.

“You know I can’t keep secrets!”

You didn’t know what to say. In the back of your mind, you always thought about if Oscar would like you better if you drank, or if you smoked, but you had no idea he felt limited because you didn’t. You never asked him to quit, you never even told him not to do it around you, so what could possibly be his problem?

You clutched that pin in your pocket again and reminded yourself to not lose yourself again. No matter what people thought, or what they thought you were, it wasn’t worth it.

The kids were the only ones who knew about your past, so you were grateful they came and told you, but you had to leave. You could no longer hold up your happy persona, and you just wanted to go home where you knew that no guns, no drugs, no alcohol, and no weed would be around.

“And what did Spooky say?”

Jamal took out his phone and pressed play on a recording.

You heard a chorus of guys laughing, and then eventually you heard Oscar’s voice.

“Nah I mean, it’s not like she’s too much of a bore or anything...she just don’t smoke or drink. It’s weird and sometimes I wish she would but I don’t know man. Maybe it’d be easier if she did -”

Ruby snatched the phone before you could hear anymore, and you’re glad he did.

You hugged the boys, thanked them, and started walking away.

“Y/N where are you going?” Ruby called out to you.

“I’m going home guys, I can’t be here anymore.” The tears almost started falling, but you wiped them before you could. Ruby ran to you, and wrapped his arms around your waist hugging you tightly.

“I’m coming with you.”

“I don’t want you to miss out on the fun.” you sniffled ruffling his hair.

“It’s not fun anymore.”

He and Jamal went home with you that night and watched movies with you, trying to cheer you up. They stayed over, and you couldn’t be more grateful to have boys like them in your lives - always there for you as you were for them.

When Oscar realized you were gone, he called you repeatedly, and when you didn’t answer, he immediately hopped into his car and drove to your apartment. He knocked hard and knocked until you opened the door.

“What are you doing here Spooky?”

“What am I doing here?” he yelled. “And since when am I Spooky to you, huh?”

You were tired, and frustrated, and just a little heartbroken.

How dare he talk about you, and come to your door yelling at you.

“I need you to lower your voice.” you sighed. “You’ll wake the boys.”

“You think I give a fuck about those boys?” Tell me why you haven’t answered any of your calls, and why you left without telling me where the hell you’re going?”

“You don’t own me Spooky! You’re not my daddy! But I should just stick around though right? ‘Cause oh no, “she’s not too much of a bore,” Right? “It’d be easier if I smoke and drank though wouldn’t it? It’d be easier if I damaged my lungs, and my brain, and my stomach for you?! Fuck off Spooky.” You were on the verge of tears. “I’m not changing myself for you, or your petty ass friends, so just go the fuck home!”

He didn’t know how to react with you yelling at him like that. He’s never seen this hurt side of you, and he’s sure he never ever wants to see it again. He didn’t know how you found out about what he was saying but he wishes you didn’t because he didn’t mean any of what he said the way you took it. Every time he looked into your eyes though, all he saw was hurt, pain, anger, and disbelief.

The same things he was feeling himself although he’d never admit it. It hurt his heart to see your red eyes botched from crying, pained him to see your hair a mess by how many times you’ve inevitably pulled it out of stress. It angered him that he said those things, and he was listening to all those whining bitches around him. He didn’t believe he could let himself listen to all those hating people that surrounded him on the daily.

Before he could defend himself, the door slammed in his face and he let it. He didn’t know what to say, but soon he would. There was no way he’d let you slip away. You were too good. But maybe that’s exactly why he should let you go. If tonight proved anything, it was that you weren’t for this life, and who was he to let you around it? Hell, maybe he shouldn’t be around it either. Maybe what tonight really proved to him was that life outside the Santos, and outside of the bad decisions and outside of the violence. If there’s one thing you taught him, it would be to never let anyone change him. The gang life changed him. The Santos changed him. But you were bringing the real him back out and of course like everything else, he fucked it up.

When he got back home, the party had dispersed. Cesar was in the living room, and he jumped when he heard Oscar come home slamming the door. He heard chairs being shoved, tables, cups. Anything in eyesight was being disheveled at the hands of Oscar.

“Aye, aye!! What the hell are you doing?!” Cesar yelled over the commotion.

“Fuck this shit man!” Oscar yelled to no one in particular.

Cesar rolled his eyes and went back to his room. Whatever the problem was, could be solved tomorrow.

The next day though, once Ruby and Jamal left after telling them about a million times that you’d be okay, you started packing a bag. It’s time you went back to your old life and visit for a while.

It’s been 3 days, and 18 hourse since you’ve been gone - Cesar’s been counting because that’s how long Oscar’s been going fucking crazy. He was yelling at everyone, almost killed a guy, and just has been absolutely restless. He’s called you, texted you, went to your job, your house, your favorite restaurant and nothing. Oscar didn’t know what to do with himself.

It hurt him to know you were out there mad at him, and he never got a chance to explain himself or tell you how sorry he was for everything he’s done. If there’s one thing he’s realized these past three days, is that he could live without you, but he didn’t want to.

Before you, he wasn’t taking care of himself. He thought of people as disposable, and he was literally angry all the time. After you though, he is quite literally almost a new person, and he loves who he is now.

Without you though, he was back to being Spooky: the notorious gang leader.

You gently lay the flowers down on the ground in front of you, followed by a single tear. Two years ago today, the love of your life overdosed. You remember like it was yesterday.

You had already gone off the grid when you met him. Drinking, smoking, and hookups almost every night. So when you met him, adding drugs to the mix wasn’t very hard. He had been your first and last dealer. All your friends tried to warn you to stay away from him, but you didn’t care. You were in love with him. He was caring, and kind, and funny. You were in a bliss.

He had even asked you to marry him one night. You planned children with him.

Unfortunately though, one night you came home to find him dead. He had overdosed while you went out to get more drinks.

After his funeral, your friends basically kidnapped you, helped you detox, sent you to rehab, and went with you to AA (Alcohol Anonymous) meetings. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds though. Detox hurt like a bitch, and you’ve gone through it at least 5 times before you finally quit for good. You’ve gone to rehab a total of three times, and you can’t even count how many times you’ve gone to AA meetings.

At first you did it for him. You did it to try to get sober for the both of you - since he couldn’t anymore. But soon after you fell off the wagon, because trying to keep his memory alive wasn’t enough of a motivation.

Wanting to get out of that life, and back to normal you realized, was motivation enough. You shouldn’t live for someone else - only for yourself.

Once you got over the guilt of his death, that’s exactly what you did. Lived for yourself.

When you left the cemetery, you got a couple of texts. The ones from Oscar you ignored, but the ones from Cesar, you immediately opened.

Cesar: Y/N. Spooky kicked me out, can I stay at yours?

You: Ofc! You know where the key is.

Cesar: You’re a lifesaver, I love you forever.

You had to get back home. You couldn’t let Cesar live on his own, and you weren’t sure how much food you had in your fridge, how would he get food? And why the hell would Oscar kick him out? His own brother, only fifteen! Oh boy, you were gonna kick his ass when you got back home, for more reasons than one.

When you were finally back, you noticed Cesar dead asleep on your couch, blankets twisted every which way. His mouth hung open, arm across his face, chinese on the floor, and the tv still on. You couldn’t but laugh at his craziness. You fixed his blanket so that it was more comfortable for him, turned off the tv, and put up the chinese in case he wanted them for leftovers.

You wrote him a note in case he woke up during your visit to his brother.

‘Hey, I’m back. Don’t be alarmed, I’ll be right back.”

Love, Y/N

The walk to Spooky’s was nauseating. Usually when you took this trip, your heart was ecstatic, and your stomach filled with butterflies. Usually, you couldn’t wait to see him, and couldn’t wait to hear his laugh, but now all you wanted to do was punch him in his face.

When you got there, surprisingly, there weren’t any people littered across the yard. Giving you a little extra courage considering the lack of people, you started knocking on the door..hard.

He opened it ready for a fight, but his body immediately deflated when he saw you.

“Y/N.” He breathed.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? No seriously, what’s going on? Because no self respecting man would kick his teen brother out of the house.”

“I -”

“No. You listen. I don’t care about your reasoning, and I don’t care about anything you have to say. I only came down here to tell you that he’s staying with me, until you come to your fucking senses.”

“No, wait- “

“You don’t get to have the last word, Spooky.”

He absolutely hated when you called him that. When you said that name it sounded like poison, like your dehumanizing him. When others called him that, he felt a sense of authority. When you called him by that stupid ass name, it’s when he knows he’s fucked up, and he’s felt like you shot him in the chest 100 times.

The next morning, you were eating breakfast with Cesar.

“Do you need a ride to school?” You ask.

He nods.

“Okay, well after school I’m gonna take you shopping for new clothes too because you can’t go around in the same three outfits everyday.” You say trying to lighten the mood.

“No, Y/N it’s okay. You’ve already done enough, believe me. I can’t ask for anymore.”

“Good thing you didn’t ask. And I sure as hell wasn’t asking either.”

Once you were pulled up in front of his school, he looked fidgety.

“Where did you go?” He asked, worried.

“I went to go say goodbye to my old life. For good.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“It’s a great thing.” You sighed . “Speaking of, I’m gonna go to one of my meetings after I drop you off. Do you need me to pick you up afterwards?”

“No I’m good. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just need to let a few things off my chest.”

As soon as you drove off, Cesar called his brother.

“What?” He sneered.

“If you want to make things up with Y/N, go to this address quickly.” He gave him the address. “Sit in the back, that way she won’t notice you.”

Oscar was beyond confused but nevertheless, he pulled up outside of a nice looking building and went inside, following the directions, and looking for the room number that Cesar gave him. When he looked inside, there were people all around sitting in chairs, and a podium in the very front that he noticed you walk up to.

He sat in the very back where Cesar told him so that you couldn’t see him.

“Hi, I’m Y/N and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hi Y/N.” The crown chorused.

This was an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting Oscar realized. You never told him you had a problem. Jesus Christ, he felt like a proper dick. He wanted to shoot himself. He wished he could take everything back, and apologize profusely.

“I’ve been sober for almost three years now.”

The crowd started clapping, including Oscar. He was proud of you.

“This past weekend,” you started, “I went to go visit my ex.”

Oscar’s jaw clenched, along with his fist. He was furious. So that’s what you’ve been doing this whole time? One fight, and you go back to your ex?

“He overdosed four years ago.”

Oh. He died. Again, Oscar felt like a piece of shit.

“I went crazy when he died.” you began. “I literally almost killed myself with all of the drugs and alcohol consumption. It took me a long time to get back on my feet again, and to stop feeling sorry for what happened. Hell, I was going to marry the man I did drugs with! Granted, we were gonna come clean, but he died before he was given the chance. I still had a chance. It was hard, and this weekend proved that it was worth it.”

There were tears in your eyes, and all Oscar wanted to do was wipe them away. God, he wanted to punch himself multiple times over and over again until he was almost dead. How dare he make you feel bad about something, let alone something that took you so long to overcome?

“I went to a party where there was alcohol and drugs and things, and there were so many temptations, but I didn’t give in, and I’m so happy I didn’t.” A few tears fell from your face. “I might have lost a person very important to me, but my sobriety is just as important, and I wasn’t going to give up almost three years worth for one night, and stupid people.”

You walked off the podium, and people started clapping loudly in support. Now that you’ve said these things out loud, the more great you felt. When you were finding your seat though, you caught a glimpse of someone in the back. You were furious. What the hell was he doing here?

You walked over to him, silently telling him to follow you, and he did right outside.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Y/N, I’m an asshole, I’m a jerk, and a ass, an idiot and a prick.”

You looked at the ground. “Go on.”

“I am so fucking sorry, you have no idea. I’m selfish, and I’m the dumbest fuckup ever, and I don’t know how to make it up to you.”

He steps closer to you, and you let him.

“What I do know is that I’m a different person when I’m with you. I’m the person I want to be, and I know its such a fucking cliche but I have never loved anyone like I love you.”

You were crying now, and he was starting to too. He walked closer, and pulled you into a bear hug.

“I shouldn't have judged you, and I’m so so sorry. I know talking and apologizing won’t make up for what I did, but what can I do?”

You stepped back, and looked him in his eyes before smacking him hard across his face.

He held the side of his face clearly hurt, and said nothing.

“I love you too jackass.”

He smiled, and pulled you to him kissing you softly. Tears fell between the two of you but you didn’t notice. He pulled you closer to him, wrapping both his strong arms around your waist lifting you a couple of inches from the ground. His lips tasted like honey between yours, you could feel all his stress evaporating as soon as you wrapped your arms around his neck. When you pulled away, he pressed a quick chaste kiss to your jaw, and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

A couple of weeks later, you learned why Oscar had kicked him out and in fear of you leaving him, and never forgiving him again, he solved it - just like you knew he could.

He seemed to figure out the most stupidest way to do so though because here he was in front of you bleeding, with gashes all over his face, arms and chest: Abuela helped clean him up.

“You’re an absolute dumbass.” You said, helping clean his wounds.

“I did what I had to do.”

The people who had talked about you at the party almost a month ago, apologized and you knew that Oscar had something to do with it.

Even though you never asked him to, Oscar also slowly stopped drinking and smoking.

When you confronted him about it, he just shrugged and said, “I don’t feel like damaging my lungs, my brain, and my stomach no more.”

You smiled, and cheekily climbed onto his lap pressing a kiss to his lips.

“You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to mamas,” He kissed you sweetly. “You’re worth it.”

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thekillerssluts · 3 years

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We’ve Got A File On You: Win Butler

In a year when a lot of our plans have been on hold, Win Butler has been busy. In April, the Arcade Fire ringleader let us know that the band had been working on music shortly before lockdown, and then he let us hear some of it. Last week, on the night of the election, the band debuted a new song called “Generation A.” Apparently, Butler was one of the people who found quarantine more inspiring than suffocating. Just a couple weeks ago, he amended his previous hints with the update that he’s written “two or three” Arcade Fire albums thanks to having to stay still all year long.

It seems like there’ll be a whole lot of new Arcade Fire goings-on to parse sometime on the horizon, but that isn’t the reason Butler and I got on the phone one recent October afternoon. Butler’s not quite ready to talk about forthcoming music yet, aside from saying this era of writing gives him flashbacks to that which preceded The Suburbs and promising “The new shit is about some of the best shit we’ve ever done” as we say goodbye.

In the meantime, there have been some milestones this year: The Suburbs turned 10; Butler turned 40. There is, of course, a whole lot of rich Arcade Fire history between their early ’00s origins and now. There are too many high-profile collabs to dig through, too many pop culture crossovers to cover, in just one conversation. But before Arcade Fire’s next chapter begins, while we both had a moment of quiet at home in the year 2020, Butler and I took some time to dig back through highlights and surprises from across his career.

Appearing In Bill & Ted Face The Music (2020)

How did this happen?

WIN BUTLER: They were filming in New Orleans. I’m kind of the exact age where Bill & Ted really has a soft spot in my worldview. [Laughs] That was just like, yeah, of course I want to be in the Future Council. That’s the part I was born to play. No, it’s funny, it was just one of these random things that come through the email. Usually, it’s, “Nope, nope, nope, nope.” But this was, “Tell me when, tell me where, I’ll be there.” It was on soundstages. When we were filming it, Tommy Lee from Mötley Crüe was back there, and he sort of disappeared at some point. I got to bring my son, who’s six. He was hanging out and we were talking to Keanu about Canada and punk bands back in the day. It was a pretty sweet hang. It was a bright spot in 2020, let me put it that way.

You say you get these emails — is that random stuff they want Arcade Fire to do, or there’ve been other cameos you turned down?

BUTLER: Oh, no, it’s mostly random licensing or stuff that goes to the junk box. But every once in a while, it’s like, “Hey, that sounds like a nice way to spend the day.” I started out in film. I went to Sarah Lawrence College in New York around 2000. I had really wanted to go to film school, and I could never get in. [Laughs] Initially, the song “The Suburbs” was an idea I had for a film and it seemed easier to make a song than a film.

The Suburbs (2010)

That was a convenient segue. The Suburbs just turned 10. I was wondering if you have gone back and revisited it much amidst that anniversary.

BUTLER: The whole experience of Funeral was such a rollercoaster. We were on the road so long. We didn’t have much of a break going into the second record. For The Suburbs, Régine and I — I don’t think we saw anyone for a year straight before we even started demoing or anything for that record.

It was a time in my life… I don’t know, I was in my late twenties, and there were all these details of my childhood in Houston. You know, I moved to Canada when I was 19. [Houston] almost felt like this other life I had. I would close my eyes and imagine riding my bike through town and trying to find the edges of my memory. There was kind of all this emotion that came up through that, and I wanted to capture it. It’s funny, as a songwriter, most of the time I feel like my mind is living in the near future. You’re listening for these little signals in the air. This was almost inhabiting the emotional space of these memories but thinking about it as the future.

When you say it like that, I’m curious if the album feels different to you now that you’re a father yourself and another 10 years down the line. Like another layer to that refracted youth, sort of?

BUTLER: Totally. In a way, I feel like the last year has been a parallel to that year before The Suburbs. Then I was kind of a hermit by choice, and this has more been the world conspiring to make me a hermit, but it has been a really introspective. In a sense, the material that we’ve been working on feels the same way, this hybrid of your emotional landscape and the future.

It’s almost seasonal, like a trade wind that blows in once in a while. I remember we played with Neil Young when he was still doing the Bridge School Benefit and hearing him sing “Old Man” as an old man, almost like he wrote the song when he was 22 to sing when he was 80. I think there’s an element on that Suburbs record that’s like that as well.

Winning The Grammy For Album Of The Year (2011)

Obviously that was a huge turning point for Arcade Fire because you won the Grammy the following year. As a suburban indie fan at the time, I had no real grasp on how big certain bands were. From where I was, it was pretty trippy that you guys won that.

BUTLER: I mean, tell me about it. It was definitely pretty trippy.

There are very, very early moments of you guys getting linked up with some iconic artists. Arcade Fire got plenty of respect from the beginning. But at the same time, the Grammys is something different. That’s a moment of mainstream insurgency. Ten years on, you’re one of the big indie bands of your generation, but also one of the only rock bands to get to that level in recent times.

BUTLER: I don’t know it was the best record that year, but it was definitely the best record nominated that year. I mean, we were up against a Lady Gaga remix record and like, Katy Perry. We weren’t up against a great Eminem record, we were up against a not-that-great Eminem record. In a certain sense, I was like, “Well, I think we should win.” [Laughs] I think we had the best record.

I remember in high school Radiohead and Björk were the two [new artists I loved]. I bought The Bends the day it came out, I bought Homogenic the day it came out. And then everything else I listened to was artists that had broken up 20 years earlier. I remember watching the Grammys the year OK Computer was nominated and it didn’t win, and I was just like, “Oh, that thing must not mean anything then.” I remember Dylan won, and it’s a really great Dylan record, but objectively OK Computer was the best record. So if that didn’t win, then what the hell does that thing mean? After that, I didn’t think about the Grammys that much. It wasn’t on my list of my dreams of my career and what I could accomplish and what I wanted to do.

For me, I was looking more at a band like the Cure or New Order, these bands that were really just artistic entities but you would hear them at a pharmacy once in a while. Like, I’d hear “Bizarre Love Triangle” come on in the pharmacy in Houston and just be like, “Is this from outer space? What the fuck is this?” My dreams for our band was to do for other people what those bands did for me, which was just throw me a fucking lifeline. Because I was just like, “What is this world, and where are my people, and how can I feel OK existing?” My grandfather played in big bands and played with Louis Armstrong, and he bought me a guitar when I was 15. I held on to that thing — if I didn’t have that I don’t think I would’ve made it out of high school. It literally saved my life. I don’t think I could exist without that.

For me, the Grammy thing was strangely moving. Even up until the moment we won, I just felt like an interloper. Even when we won, people looked at us like aliens. Like, “Who? What?” You know, I’m a competitive person. It was really exciting. Cool, awesome, the universe makes sense for one second. It’s interesting, I didn’t expect it to mean anything until we won, and then it meant something.

David Bowie (2005, 2013, Throughout)

I alluded to this earlier but: The Grammys were like an industry stamp of approval. From the beginning, however, you guys were embraced by a lot of elder artists — particularly artists who were influences on the band. One I wanted to talk about was David Bowie. He was a very early supporter; you performed together in 2005, which turned into a live EP. Then he shows up on “Reflektor” in 2013. Somewhere around 2015, you talked about how you’d come to regard him as this professor-type character in your life. He came to your first New York show, right?

BUTLER: Our first headlining show, when we played at the Bowery, Bowie and David Byrne came to that show.

Wow, no pressure huh.

BUTLER: It sort of set the table. Like, “Well, I guess this is how it’s going to be right out of the gate.” [Laughs] It’s funny, I have a photo of David in my studio that I look at when I’m working sometimes. It’s just him in a dressing room with one of those kind of Hollywood mirrors behind him. He really… I don’t know, he felt some sort of spiritual connection with us. It wasn’t like he wanted anything from us. I just think he wanted to say, “Hey guys, you’re going on the right path, keep going.”

I was emailing him over all those years. I don’t know if you have anyone close to you that’s died and you go back and read those emails, it’s really these strange digital fragments of someone you care about. After he sang on “Reflektor,” Régine and I bought him a painting in Haiti as a thank you gift. We were supposed to mail it to him and we got busy and forgot about it, and in the interim he passed. I knew he wasn’t well, but I didn’t know he was dying. Maybe a couple months later I remembered the painting and I dug it out and it was a painting of a black star. A voodoo painting of a black star with rays coming out of it.

I didn’t know anything about his record being Blackstar or anything like that. Now it’s on the wall of my bedroom. Shit like that sometimes happens in my life. I take it for what it is. I don’t know exactly what that means and I just feel grateful… I don’t know man. Even just how inspiring, what he put into his art even in death. He’s someone I think about at least on a weekly basis.

Backing Up Mick Jagger On SNL (2012), Playing With The Rolling Stones (2013)

Obviously that was an ongoing relationship, and you’ve worked with David Byrne too, and you referenced playing with Neil Young. Still: Being onstage with the Rolling Stones seems particularly daunting.

BUTLER: We were Mick’s backing band on SNL. SNL is maybe one of my favorite American institutions. I don’t know if it’s the Canadian thing since Lorne [Michaels] is Canadian. The first time we did it, it was just like, “This dude is my friend.” I don’t know if Lorne’s kids like Arcade Fire or something. But I was in New York randomly and he was like, “Mick’s doing a thing,” and I said, “We do a pretty amazing cover of ‘The Last Time,’” and he said “Come on down, let’s do it.” Then we’re Mick’s backing band. I don’t know, pretty fucking cool.

What is Mick Jagger like to work with?

BUTLER: Mick is like: As soon as the light goes on, he’s a different person. When he turns it on, it’s like this muscle memory — like if you were with the greatest ballet dancer ever, and you say go and this energy comes out of him that is so practiced. It’s someone who’s an absolute master, after practicing something for decades and decades and decades. That was pretty amazing to see. You’re chatting with someone, we’re at the piano and we’re talking about an arrangement, “OK, let’s do a run,” and then, “Boom! Shit!” There he is.

It’s this other level. I feel like people at that level, music’s not something they’re fucking around with. [Laughs] Music is a spirit. You hear something, and if it strikes a chord with you, it connects something at your deepest core. People like that, when you see them do their thing, it really is this other plane. It’s not this show thing. It’s more of a possession. You can hear it in the music.

I feel like I’ve listened to more music during COVID than any time since I was like, 18. I had this moment when I was listening to these amazing records from the 1950s. You can hear the room. It’s almost like audio VR — you can hear the drummer here and the bass player over here. There’s a sense of space, particularly to that older music. It’s a snapshot. If you hear “La Bamba,” right now, that is what it is. It’s a spirit captured on vinyl, on a piece of tape. It’s alive within that.

With people like Mick, they’re a little bit closer to the spirit of rock ’n’ roll — a literal spirit, not a figurative spirit. Bowie was the same. When he played with us in Central Park, the second he hit the stage he’s illuminated. You’re like, “Oh, shit, that’s what it is.” He’s a human when you’re talking to him and as soon as he’s in it, he’s touched by another thing.

SNL (2007-Present)

I’m glad you brought SNL up, because you’ve been on it a bunch of times, but you’re also one of the musical acts they’ve brought into skits. Like, they actually wrote a game show around you. How does that work? Did they write that sketch with you guys, or you walked in and they’re like, “Hey, by the way…”

BUTLER: I can’t remember, I think we’ve been six or seven times. We’ve been there for a couple different casts at this point. The Lonely Island dudes, those are so my dudes. In another life, I would’ve been in Lonely Island, that would’ve been my dream to just fuck around with my friends; when we were first writing music we were kinda joking around because you’re too insecure to try. A lot of times [at SNL], we’ve played for the staff when we’re there, because you get so fired up to play one or two songs and you’re playing live so your endorphins are running so we just sort of keep playing afterwards. I feel like they appreciate that, it kinda feels like you’re on the same team or something.

I was backstage at SNL once last year, and it is pretty crazy to see it all from the inside like that.

BUTLER: It’s so crazy. They write it all that fucking week, and then to see the differences between the dress rehearsal and the live show. They do a little meeting in Lorne’s office. They’ve done the dress rehearsal and it’s still this tiny office and every cameraman and every cast member is crammed in this little office and Lorne’s like, “Make it a blue light instead of a green light at minute 23, and change this word to this word, I don’t think that’s funny, change that, OK, go,” and everyone’s got pencils writing this down. It’s still fucking that. And you know, it hits and misses sometimes, but they’re doing it.

How long did you have to work on your De Niro impression for that skit?

BUTLER: It’s actually more of a Billy Baldwin impersonation, but it seemed to work for De Niro as well. [Laughs] My only real impression is I can look exactly like Billy Baldwin if I want to. If there’s any casting directors reading this and you need a Billy Baldwin impersonator, I’m your man.

LCD Soundsystem’s Goodbye Show (2011)

You’re the one who ended up serendipitously coining the title of the live album.

BUTLER: [Laughs] That is true. That was genuine. He was being a little talky.

I moved to New York before I moved to Montreal, and I would go to the city and go to shows and I didn’t see one fucking thing that was good in the whole year. I was like, “Wait, I thought New York was the shit, where is it?” All I saw was bad, very industry bands. I couldn’t find anything, I wasn’t cool enough to figure out what was going on. There’s very few bands that I really think of, like bands of my generation where I heard them and thought “These are my people.” For me it was the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, LCD, and Wolf Parade. When I heard those bands, I thought, “These are my fellow pilgrims.” It was art, DIY, no bullshit, just trying to make something great that communicates to people. It’s real and emotional.

James is really just one of us. He’s just such a great engineer and really into the way things sound and really passionate about details. It’s rare to meet people like that. James was working with us when Bowie came in, when we were in Electric Lady. James had never met Bowie before. The first 7” he ever bought was “Fame.” We’re in this studio, and the last time Bowie was there he had cut “Fame” with John Lennon, in the same studio. We were all like, “This is the right place to be.”

James is just a man after my own heart. We did a tour with them on Neon Bible. We were playing to a thousand people in Salt Like City and I was like, “Man, in a couple years a lot more people are going to wish they were at this show.” What a fucking great live band.

Scoring Her (2013)

What kind of headspace did you have to get into for this vs. making an album?

BUTLER: Spike [Jonze] came to a bunch of our early shows on Funeral. The second I met him he was just immediately one of my best friends. He thinks about the world the same way. Even though we work in different mediums he was someone I knew I’d be working with in some capacity. I was visiting LA and I was staying with Spike just randomly one time, in the early days of him working on the script for Her. I was reading the script and immediately thinking about how it could sound, and I was like, “Well, we should fucking do the score to this movie.”

When you’re working on a record, it’s so rigid, what works on a song and what doesn’t work on a song. It can be so limiting in a way. Within the band, there’s so many different talents and color palettes and things people bring to the table, so it was cool to do something where the boss is the picture. It doesn’t matter how anyone feels about a piece, if it’s working for Spike, if it’s working in harmony with the picture, that’s what the boss is — the emotionality of the picture. It’s not about you, it’s in service to this bigger thing. It was a cool opportunity for all of us to use different aspects of things we do, and to work with Owen [Pallett], who had done a lot of strings on our records. It uses a totally different part of your brain.

Do you want to do more of that kind of work, or was it this specific story from Spike that spoke to you?

BUTLER: I can say pretty confidently that I’ll work with Spike in the future. It definitely takes a lot of energy. It’s definitely something I’m interested in, but I feel like while I’ve got the juice it’s good to spend as much energy writing songs as we can. It’s pretty fucking hard to make a record, believe it or not.

Future’s “Might As Well” Sampling “Owl” From Her(2017)

Are you a big Future fan?

BUTLER: I love Future. There’s something in the rhythm of the thing he does that actually reminds me of some music from Haiti, in this really deep, subtle way I can’t put my finger on. There’s something almost mystical in the way he sounds, and I thought that was really cool that they sampled that soundtrack. His shit does sound like the future still. I think it’s pretty special.

The Reach Of ”Wake Up” (2004-Present)

This song has had this big pop-culture reach over the years. U2 used it as their walk-on music in the ‘00s. It was used in the trailer for another Spike movie, Where The Wild Things Are. Macy Gray and John Legend both covered it. Microsoft ripped it off for a commercial. It was used in a commercial for LA’s bid for the Olympics.

BUTLER: That Microsoft money went to Haiti, by the way. They did rip it off. [Laughs] Thank you Microsoft.

As far as I know that’s far from an exhaustive list, too. It’s just one of those songs that’s gone out and become a part of the atmosphere. Even a lot of big bands don’t necessarily have a song like that. What do you think it is about “Wake Up” that’s registered in so many different contexts?

BUTLER: From the time we wrote that song to now, the biggest difference in my life is I’ve traveled the world and I’ve been able to play music in all these different cultures and feel the ways different countries feel music. Not only listening to the music in other countries but seeing how they feel the music I play.

I remember around The Suburbs we played in rural Haiti. It was our first time playing in a place where nobody in the audience had any of the reference points of the music we played. We were playing in the mountains, there were people walking in barefoot to the concert. We were playing these songs we had been touring the world with, and the energy from the crowd was so different. The things they responded to, the things they felt, it actually fundamentally changed the way I heard my own music. It made me start to think about music not just from my own perspective but culturally how people hear it and feel it.

I think the one thing that kind of transcends everything across all cultures is melody. Régine was playing that melody on piano in our rehearsal room. I hear it like it was yesterday. It was like, “That’s the shit.” [Laughs] Being present and being in the room, hearing something and really giving yourself to it, just singing that shit like it really meant it and feeling the power of that melody and trying to push it until it breaks. That’s something I think about, just how great it is to have people to play music with. To say it like you mean it.

I remember singing that song in Montreal, in these lofts. Most of our early fans, the first time we played that song, they were like “Fuck this shit, I want the acoustic shit.” People were so negative. I remember a lot of early fans didn’t come to our shows after that because we were suddenly screaming at the top of our lungs and playing electric guitars. It was like, “Everyone here hates this, that means we must be going in the right direction.” [Laughs] But yeah, don’t be discouraged if people hate something. It doesn’t mean shit.

https://www.stereogum.com/2105395/win-butler-interview-spike-jonze-arcade-fire-snl-mick-jagger-david-bowie/interviews/weve-got-a-file-on-you/

#Arcade Fire #Win Butler #interview

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optimistic-dinosaur-nacho · 4 years

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Bruises - Requested

Warnings: Language, Bullying, Blood, ‘Fag’ comments Summary: After Jacob had been suspected for the murder, your friends had turned against you. People stared, people gossiped. Even Ben’s friends did the unforgivable thing to you and all that was kept from your protective dad, Andy.

This goes for my good anon friend and I love this request. I’m surprise you thought of this and I didn’t even think of this idea. That means you’re a creative person and I like that. I really love Andy Barber x Daughter!Reader fics.

Thank you for it! Hope you like it! A lot more than you asked for but it’s all part of the plan.

Love you all!

It’s the worst Birthday Gift for Chris Evans but it had to be made.

~~~

You were looking for your folder around your room. Just 12 hours ago you were working on your homework and you couldn’t seem to find it now. Opening your backpack, you searched through your books and binders, not finding your baby blue folder.

A knock hits your door. “Hey, sweetheart, your brother is gonna head out soon. He’s taking the trail,” Your father beams in.

Turning around, you see him in his button up and a tie, ready to go to his job. You inhaled, “He can go ahead, I’ll be behind him. I can’t find my blue folder.” Andy furrows his brows, “Where’d you leave it?”

You shrugged, “I was working on it last night.” Andy nods and looks up to you, “Well, I don’t want you to be late. But I’ll tell Jake he can go on ahead. You be careful, okay? I got to go.”

You nod, “Thanks. Bye, dad. Love you.”

“Love you, too, sweetheart. Be good at school.” And with that he left, heading down the stairs.

You continued on your search and dug through your closet. Maybe about 10 minutes passed, you found it under your bed. You scoffed and shoved it in your bag. You stepped down the stairs and saw Laurie. “Hey, mom.”

She turns around, “Hey, dad told me you were looking for your folder.”

“Yeah, I found it. I got to go!” Laurie stammers, “Honey, let me take you. Driving will be quicker than the trail.” You bounced on your feet, “Okay, okay. Let’s go!” You said. Laurie grabs her bag and coat, taking her keys on the way out.

“Did you pack a lunch?” Laurie asks. You rushed to her car, “I did!” You jumped in the front seat while Laurie got into the drivers seat. She held up a bag to you, “I know you didn’t pack one.”

You sighed and took the bag into your hands and quickly shoved it in your bag. Laurie glances over to you, “Did you bring your soccer practice bag?” She asked.

You nodded and unzipped the bag to make sure you had everything. “Yeah.” Laurie pulls out of the garage and drove you to school. Jacob was surely gonna be there before you could. Or if you’re lucky. Laurie brought you to the school in time. Still seeing the students hanging outside.

“Okay, honey. I love you, have a good day,” She says. You take your bags and smiled, “Thanks, mom. Love you too!” You closed the door and walked up to the doors. “Y/N!”

You turn, “Hey, Lindsey.” The blonde girl almost jumps on your shoulder. “Where’s your brother?” She asked. You looked around. “I don’t know. He took the trail but I took the car cause he went on ahead without me.” Lindsey pouts at you, she was one of those popular girls but she seemed to be a nobody at times.

Her mother was a lawyer like your dad. Half the school, the parents were lawyers. “I’ll catch you later at lunch!” She says, you nod and she ran off, heading towards the group of boys. One of them being her brother, Derek.

You felt someone take your shoulder, “How’d you get here so fast?” Jacob asks. You grinned, “I got a ride from mom! What took you so long?” Jake grins softly, but it quickly went away, “I wasn’t picking my feet up, I guess.”

You grinned as you two walked in.

Jake shared a class with you in science. It was pretty cool. So, still morning at the moment. You sat in front of Jacob so you two and the other two were working on the tubes.

“Be careful taking that out. We don’t wanna make a mess,” The teacher says, Jake peers up to you and the others, grinning, “That’s what she said.” You and the two laugh and Jake grinned in acceptance.

You look up to Jake and smiled at him. Then the PA chimed in and you lifted your head up.

“Attention. Archer is now on lockdown, effective immediately. All students are to remain in their classrooms...” Everyone in the room began to stand up in panic, and you did too. Jacob stood up and came over to you, the students began to look out the window.

“Guys, I can’t hear the announcement!” The teacher calls, he heads for the door and locks it. Kids began to pull away from the window and sat against the wall. “Come on, Y/N,” Jacob says, he holds your shoulder and took you to the wall. “What’s going on?” You asked.

He sat you down, “I don’t know.”

“Call dad...” You muttered, Jacob didn’t think twice and pulled out his phone. He scrolled through his phone and pulled it to his ear. You hear Andy answer, “Jacob, you okay?”

“Yeah. The school’s on lockdown, but nobody knows why.”

“I know, it’s... Have you heard from your sister?”

“She’s next to me.”

“Okay. Look, I can’t talk about it right now, okay, buddy? Just both of you listen to your teachers, do exactly what they say,” Andy says. Jacob looks at you and nervously bites his lip. “Yeah, but you do know why. I mean, is there some psycho shooter?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. You’re both safe I promise.” Jacob looks at you, seeing you shake in the corner, fiddling with your hands. “Jake?” Andy asks. Jacob turns back to the phone, “Okay. Dad?”

“Yeah?”

Jacob grips the phone and shuffles in his spot, “What is it, buddy?” Jacob shook his head, “Nothing.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I gotta go. I’ll see you both back at home though, okay? Keep your sister close at all times. I love you both very much.” Jacob nods, “All right. We love you too. Bye.” Jacob hangs up and pulls his phone down to his lap.

And that day, they were there in the same classroom till school ended. Even your soccer practice was canceled.

You were in your room, going on your laptop as Lindsey looked through her phone. “I can’t believe Ben was murdered. Does anyone know who?” She asked. You weren’t sure of the answer. So, you shook your head.

“I don’t know.”

Lindsey grins, “I don’t know. But at least I got to speak to Dylan through the whole class. We had so much in common,” Lindsey looks over, “I think he’s into me.”

You grinned, “Don’t get too excited.” Your door was suddenly knocked on and your parents opened it with smiles. “Lindsey, your dad’s here,” Andy says. Lindsey sits up and grabs her bag, packing a few things, “See ya, Y/N. And thank you, Mrs. and Mr. Barber.”

Andy grins at her, “Anytime.” Lindsey walks out with her brother, Derek to their father, leaving you with them. “Hey, sweetheart. We want to talk about something.” Andy sits by your legs and Laurie stands by.

“We want to know how you’re feeling about Ben. About what happened,” Laurie says.

All you could do was stare. Ben’s friends weren’t really nice towards you and Jacob. Even without Jacob it was worse. But you barely knew Ben. You shrugged, “I don’t know. I barely knew him.”

“But Jake did. He’s in the same class,” Andy says.

“Ben wasn’t really that much of a kid I would’ve hung out with. He was kind of full of himself. I only saw him in the halls,” You said. Andy looks over to Laurie who just grinned sadly. “Well, if there’s anything you want to tell us, we’re here for you. Don’t be afraid to tell us. Okay?”

You nod, “Yes, I understand,” You say usually, it always gave them the absolute certainly that you understood. So Andy grins, “Okay. Dinner in 30 minutes.” He pats your leg and stands up. Walking out of your room.

The next day, you and Jacob were gonna be dropped off by Laurie. She didn’t allow you both to walk down the trail ever again. Police were now on the campus, you and Jacob were seeing your friends out in front.

Laurie stops in front of the school, “Okay. Love you guys.” Jacob jumps out, only giving her a smile and closed his door. You jumped out and smiled, “Bye, mom. Love you too.” And then you closed your door. Heading over to the school, you spotted Lindsey.

You smiled at her, but she did not. Lindsey turned away and stood by her brother Derek who even looked at you. You weren’t sure why they were so happy at your house but they turn out like this.

Was it something you said last night?

You didn’t say anything that could’ve ruined their moods. You followed Jacob inside, not bothering to talk to him. You hear the bell ring and everyone began to rush through. Making you lose Jacob in the crowd. “Jake?” You called, but he never called your name.

So you were left on your own.

Till someone slapped your book out of your hands. “Oops,” One of the boys said, you look up at them not in anger no. You didn’t know why they did that. But Derek only stared at you as they passed laughing.

You blinked away the tears and knelt down to pick your book up.

Almost three days after Ben Rifkin’s death, you were held after school in one of your classes so Jacob was left to go home on his own. You wouldn’t mind walking back.

“Thank you, Mrs. Ambers,” You call out, the woman grins, “I’ll be looking forward to your project, Ms. Barber.” You smiled and walked out of the classroom to head back home.

You were walking back, playing music in your earbuds. But then, your phone rang, cutting off your music. Pulling it out of your sweatshirt, you see a photo you and Andy hugging while he kissed the top of your head. He was calling you.

“Dad?”

“Sweetheart? Is your brother with you?” He sounded like he was panicking. “No? What’s going on? Dad?” You ask. He pants, “Just meet me at home, okay? Don’t be scared, everything’s gonna be all right. I’ll be home soon, just stay there okay?”

“Okay,” You say softly. “I gotta call mom. I’ll be there as quick as I can. I love you very much,” He says. “I love you too.” And then he hung up. You continued to follow his orders.

Go home. Don’t be scared.

Scared of what? You began to be quicker than you usually walked. But then you see police cars appear around the corner. You slowly stop but continued to walk up.

They spotted you. You began to walk up and so did the one officer. “Dispatch, we got one of Barber’s kids. She’s walking alone. Not the suspect.” He walks over, “Hey, kid.”

You stopped once you came face-to-face with him. “Where’s your brother?” You looked around to see if Andy would come racing around the corner. “I was held in school, he must’ve been here before I have.”

The officer nods and gestures to come forward, “Come on. We wanna put you inside the car, is that okay?” He asked, you couldn’t even nod as he took you to the police car.

Opening the door, you hopped in, shaking. And just a few minutes in, Andy comes on the street and drives into his driveway. He didn’t see Y/N in sight. “Damn it.” He jumps out of his car and looks towards the officers. “Is my daughter in one of your vehicles?”

“Sir, you know this house is frozen, right?” Andy spots you in one of their cars, “Get my daughter out of that car! She has nothing to do with this!” The officer nods at the other to let you out.

Stumbling out, Andy gestures you to come over. You rush to his side as he raced up to the front door. “Sir! You know the house is frozen.”

Andy turns, “You got a warrant? Yeah, I didn’t think so. It’s my house, I have the right to go inside.”

“Dad, what’s going on?” You say lowly, Andy fiddles with his keys. “It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. Just stay close.”

“Andy!” Someone shouts. The you both turn to see Duffy jump out the car with a paper in hand. Andy only sighed. And that day is when everything changed.

“You sure you can walk home? I don’t mind taking you, sweetheart. I just... we can’t take you with us. Not a good look to see your brother,” Andy says. It was day after Duffy had searched your house, destroyed your room that you cleaned up.

You hadn’t seen Jacob for almost 24 hours. Andy said he was at the department, he didn’t tell you more after that. You did read posts about Jacob having a knife. He didn’t show it to you cause he didn’t just have you at the school.

So now you’ll have to go to school without Jacob.

“Y/N,” Andy says, breaking your thoughts, he lowers his head so he could get a better look. “I can walk, thank you.” And with that, you grabbed your bag and walked out the door. Leaving Andy and Laurie to head to the courthouse.

Once you got to school, everyone had eyes on you. Walking alone. Head hanging low as they whispered and looked at each other as you passed. You needed to get to class before they get to you.

“Watch out!” A boy shouts, you feel someone push you and you crashed to the ground. You hear laughter as Ben Rifkin’s friends walk by smiling. You looked up and saw them walk down the hall.

You look back down and saw a small puddle of blood. You reached for your face and felt it coming out of your nose. You stood up and rushed to the bathroom, on the urge of tears. Slamming the bathroom door shut, you rushed to the stall and ripped toilet paper to clean the blood off your nose.

You choked a sob and stared at yourself in the mirror. Nose was red, including your eyes and cheeks. It was only just day one. Who knew if they’d get worse. But you shook it off and walked out with a tissue in your nose for a while.

Science class was very different. Every class was, each and every second someone is staring at you. Then the PA dings, “Your attention, please. As you all know, last night the terrible tragedy that struck our community was compounded in a way that is truly difficult to fathom. I’m referring to the arrest of Jacob Barber, an eighth-grader here at Archer.”

People began to stare at you. “I want to stress how important it is we not jump to conclusions. This means ignoring rumors and refraining from spreading rumors. That said, if you do have information you feel would be of help to the investigation, the police have ask that you contact them immediately. You can do this directly or through our guidance center. Thank you.”

During lunch, you sat alone at a table. One the other side, people sat there. But you were alone, picking at your own food. “That looks good, really good,” The boy says, he grins down at you.

“Would your fag brother happen to carry a knife for you to cut that? I’m surprised he won’t admit it.”

“He didn’t do it. Now would you leave me alone?” You asked. The boy grabs your sandwich and grins, throwing it in the bin beside you. “I bet Ben would have wished it was you who Jacob would kill instead.” He takes the rest of your lunch and dumps it on the ground.

Bringing the whole cafeteria’s eyes to your table.

You blinked away the tears and walked out, heading towards the bathroom again. You could’ve called Andy but he was at court. Maybe you would’ve call him at all about this. You just sat in the corner and crumpled in tears.

The school was just about to end and you figured to walk home because you weren’t sure if Andy or Laurie would pick you up. You didn’t even want them to ask how your day was.

So taking the same way you always go. You took the trail in Cold Spring Park. You were listening to music on your way there, thinking you were hearing extra steps behind you but you figured the music was just making you hear things.

You then felt someone push you down. Your earbuds get pulled out and someone grabs your bag and rips it off. You turned to face three boys, Ben’s closest friends at school. They towered over you. “You really think you can get away with this? You think your fag brother would even protect you? Now we have the chance to show what a murderer deserves.”

One of the boys kicked you in the gut and you curled up, shouting in pain. “Stop, please!” You said, the boys just laughed and the tall one pulls you up, holding you by the collar. You tried to push him, only to have his fist meet the side of your cheek causing you to crash into the leaves and dirt.

One last kick was painful than the other. “Let’s get out of here,” The boy says, walking away. The blonde boy unzips your bag and dumps it at your feet. All your work and binders hitting the ground. He kicked your bag and ran off with his friends.

You choked a sob and sat up, touching your cheek. Your jeans were dirtied and your sweater was as well. You sniffled and crawled over to your things and began to slip them back into your bag.

It could’ve been worse if one of them wouldn’t hesitate to kill you. Once you got everything in, you stood up and brushed off the leaves and dust. Your jeans were gonna need a wash, including your Connecticut Law School hoodie that belonged to your dad.

It was already old as it is, but it was one of your favorite hoodies. You carried your backpack by the loop on the top of it, continuing back home with tears. You managed calm yourself so your parents wouldn’t get any ideas what happened.

They would know about the dirt though. You never wore makeup so you can’t cover it up with anything.

You reached the house and noticed news reporters were standing outside. You threw on your hoodie and hid like a normal kid. They were lucky to not closely look at you as you walked by. Once you took a turn up the stairs, they began to shout questions at you.

You ignored them and walked through the red door, closing it. “Sweetheart?” Laurie calls, you didn’t even bother to look for her. “Yeah?” You called, hoodie still on you see Andy come into view. “Hey. How was school?” He asked.

You were in one of the darkest spots in the hall, so you weren’t sure he could see you. He furrowed his brows, “What happened to your clothes?” He asked. You look down and nibbled on your bottom lip.

“Our teacher made us play a game, a lot of us got our clothes dirty,” You lied, Andy draws his eyes down again and nodded, “Well, you change, your mother can wash them.”

Laurie comes into view and her hands rub against each other, “Did you eat at school?” She asked. Your mind went back to the cafeteria incident. You didn’t eat once they through your whole lunch away.

“I did...” You lied once again. Andy tilts his head at you, “I thought we had rules about not having hoods on,” He says. Having hoodies on, it turns a lot of heads in your home. All you did was turn around and walk up the stairs, finally pulling your hood down so they couldn’t see the bruise once you turned away.

Andy looks over to Laurie in concern and she does as well. Andy looks back and sees your bag on the ground. Laurie heads back into the living room and Andy takes your bag in hand. It was covered in dirt and it had tears in some areas, knowing she wouldn’t do that with her bag.

Especially it was Andy’s old high school bag. It was always in a good condition in his school year. You wanted to have it since you didn’t want them to buy you a better one, but you insisted on having his and he gladly made you have it.

He knew you wouldn’t treat a bag like this, so he walked up the stairs heading over to your room. He knocked and you didn’t respond. So he opened the door and saw you sitting on your bed. Your hood was on again. Andy sighs and comes in, “What’s going on?” He asks.

He held your bag in hand and looked down at it. “Sweetheart,” He says. He placed the bag on the ground and walks over to you, kneeling down in front of you.

He tried to look at your face but it was so low for him to see your full face. He only saw the tears. His forehead creases in concern, “Y/N, talk to me. What happened?” He reached up and grabbed the edge of your hood, pulling it back over your head, finally having the gloomy light outside beam on your features.

His heart dropped when he sees the dark bruise under your cheek. His thumb reaches up to check it out. Once his thumb brushed over it, you flinched and grabbed his wrist. His eyes were concerning and soft, “It’s okay.” Your bottom lip quivered as he looked at you.

“What happened? Who did this?”

You felt tears rush down your cheeks again, “His friends...” You say. Andy tilts his head, “Ben Rifkin’s friends? They did this?” You nodded and Andy puffs out a sigh again. “I’ll talk to the principal.”

“No,” You say a little too quickly. Andy furrows his brows, “I’m not taking a no for an answer. This is not what should happen to you. You don’t deserve this, sweetheart. We’ll keep you home if it’s gonna keep you from getting beat up for something you or Jacob didn’t do.”

“What if he did?”

Andy shakes his head, “We know he didn’t do it. Don’t think like that, okay?” You watched him as he keeps his eyes on you. He pressed his lips together and softly smiled, “Come here.” He sits on your bed and pulls you into his chest. Rubbing your back, you gently relaxed in his arms.

You felt his lips press a kiss into your hair and he placed his chin on your head. “I love you very much,” He says, “You, Jacob and mom.” You sniffled and tightened your arms around him. “I love you too.”

~~~