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hyperfixationtimego · 3 years

Note

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

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theveryworstthing · 4 years

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update/note for patrons

I will not be taking prompts for June. I have no idea when I'll feel okay with posting fun, casual art, but hopefully I'll have a few sketches for y'all this month.

If you want to reduce your prompt tier pledge, please consider donating that extra cash to bail funds or other BLM focused causes. You can find some resources here:

https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/

And this is a fundraiser to make sure George Floyd's young daughter will be taken care of:

https://ca.gofundme.com/f/gianna-floyd-daughter-of-george-floyd-fund

There are many more resources out there, search them out. I haven't seen many for queer black people, but it's June so y'all better hop on those if you see them. Take care of everyone that you can.

And now some personal stuff.

Ew.

Real talk, I have not felt....suitable for the internet these last few days. I am not a 'scream for help when hurt' person, I am a ‘crawl under a porch to die quietly and bare my teeth at anyone who tries to drag me out' person, So writing this down and revealing my soft underbelly blows.

I'm currently in the angriest depression spiral I've ever had and since I'm not in a position to do much more than watch everything go down, I've been checking the news/social media compulsively for the last week . What I see makes me too overwhelmed to even interact with the posts most of the time. I just read and scroll, maybe check out some links for donations or watch someone get stomped into the ground by a cop, and it's really weird because when I'm doing it it feels like the social part of social media fades away for me. I don't like people seeing me in this kind of pain and the few times that I did go to reblog/retweet something I froze up because it felt like inviting more "are you okay?"s and "how can I help?"s and I've already gotten enough of those mixed in with finding out just how racist some of the people around me are (I literally had someone on my friends list in Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp dress up like a cop and turn their cute babby dollhouse phone game cabin into a police station with a jail full of gorilla villagers. Shout out to 'Crystal', goodbye forever, your campsite theme is ugly as sin, and I hope you choke on a fucking boot you ditch-chugging piss-rat).

Anyway, I'm already a cryptid who's bad at internet friendship and now I might like a post if it breaks through the noise in my head (art sometimes does it) but everything else is just me in the void alone taking in The Worst Shit. And I know it's bad for me, like, it feels like the mental version of self harm or a weird 'productive pain'. If I can't help 'properly' then I can at least witness it.

I don't really know how to explain it properly. It probably has something to do with how I wrangle my personal black identity and my experiences in the black community but we are not talking about that today. Unless I know you personally we are probably not talking about that any time soon.

This is all just to say I'm really going through it right now. I don't really know what I want y'all to do with that information, it doesn't really make a ton of sense to me as i re-read it, but at least you know why I went full ghost.

In closing: Black Lives Matter, All Cops Are Bastards, and I don't give a frog's fat ass about a burning Target. There are more important things to focus on.

#talkin

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natsukitakama · 4 years

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It me. Hello. 😱 ~ 🐥 anon may i have.... 👉👈 Headcanons of Reader that is always really patient and caring with the members of levi squad meeting floch. And at first she’s aggressive towards him because he insulted Armin and she’s just trying to protect her babs. But later on growing to be shockingly just as worried about him as everyone else. confusing him when she pats his back and reminds him to drink water before giving a forehead SMOOTCH. Cuz he though she hated him. I wanna love him.

Author note : Hello 🐥 Anon, thank you for you request I’m glad you sent me something about Floch. I’m really sorry for taking so long, I kinda overworked myself. In addition it’s been week since I went back to college so I can’t work on my headcanon as much as I expected to. Anyways, done complaining ! I hope you’ll enjoy this I really wanted to write something good for Floch cause despite what he’s done in the manga I kinda like him !

I do not own that gif credit to the owner

Warning : some spoiler about the beginning of the next season 4 if you haven’t read manga after the anime don’t read this you might be spoil / fluffy / Floch being Floch but that’s okay / angst ? I don't know

Disclaimer : if you’re not comfortable with Floch that’s okay I've got plenty of headcanon on my masterlist I'm sure you’ll find something enjoyable. But please do not be mad at me for writing for Floch or against Anon because they ask a request about him. I won’t tolerate behavior like this.

Masterlist

You first encounter with Floch wasn’t very … calm.

You didn’t mean to slap him right into the face, but when he went into your group talking shit about How you friends Armin should die so Erwin could survive. How he was useless and how humanity was about to fall down. Well you just saw red. It was his own fault, everyone in the 104th knew how protective you were with your friends. So yeah as soon as he was done talking shit, you just walked right in front of him and slap him.

Everyone heard the loud « SLAM » coming from both of us, but they especially remembered the way you looked at him : if eyes could kill he would be dead by now.

« Who do you think you are uh ? You’re nothing but shit on our shoes know your place baby boy »

Then you walked pass him without letting him time to reply. Not like you cared about what he thought.

Who am I kidding of course you cared.

After couple hours, when you weren’t angry anymore you felt guilty. Not because of how you slap him but about the way you talked about him, he was part of your family too so you should treat him properly. That night, you promised yourself to make It up and apologize for your behavior and explain to him that what he said was bad but he didn’t deserve to be slapped especially in public.

That’s what you did, next morning after dressing up you walked looking for Floch. You couldn’t not notice the way his friends’ face went white as soon as you walked into him. Just when he was about to open his mouth you shut him up

« Listen, I’m here to apologize. I shouldn’t slap you that day but to me you deserve this. Everyone here went to hell yesterday and I know you more than everyone else could understand that, that day we lost a lot of peoples including Major. But you shouldn’t say to Armin he should die that day, you more than everyone else should cherish any life. All of them are precious and useful. Still I shouldn’t humiliate you and hurt you so I ask you to forgive me, I can’t justify the way I act. Now be sure to eat enough and drink a lot of water, today is about to be harsh »

Again before Floch could react, you already moved into your friends direction to be sure everyone was eating enough. Floch looked no stared at you hearing you scolding Eren for not eating his bread, then looking at Armin with a smile and for the very first time he felt something wrong, in fact his heart or maybe his chest or his stomach he couldn’t be sure but he felt something twisted right into him. Was he jealous ? Was he envious because you care about everyone else but not him ? No it was stupid he thought.

But during the whole day, he couldn’t help but feel a bit sad. In fact he saw you during the whole day taking care of everyone : From Hanji and their lack of sleep to Mikasa who weren’t eating her breads to be sure Eren would eat enough. Because of his staring he wasn’t focus on his training and he ended up falling from a tree hurting his back in the process.

Before he could even move you were already running into his direction with a worried expression on your face, Floch didn’t know what to say or to do. Why were you worried ? It’s not like you like him or anything. At this point after your scolding he was sure you hated him. But still, he saw you running into him, kneeling down looking for any broken bones, any cut, everything that might be painful for him. Your touch was sweet despite your hands being rough because of all your training, it was as if you were touching him with silk.

« Are you alright ? Can you move ?

W-What ? I mean yes, yes I can move

Good. Now take my hand I’m walking you into the nursery you need to rest

N-No I, I can walk and train i’m fine

Who are you kidding ? You’ve been distant during the whole day you obviously need to rest »

Then you carried him into the nursery as you promised. Floch stay silent during the whole walk, he didn’t know again how to react. Why were you so nice to him ? Did you really notice how distant he was ? How could you possibly know ? He stared at you the whole day, he would notice if you were looking at him. Again, you weren’t supposed to be like this, not after what you said to him. You were supposed to despise him, because after everything you said he still believe that Armin couldn’t be in charge he couldn’t be the major. But you were right about something, he shouldn’t say that because he as Armin was lucky to be here they didn’t deserve to be here. He shouldn’t be here.

He shouldn’t craving for your attention.

He couldn’t prevent it though. Since the day he joined the 104th, he felt something about you. They way you were so caring and yet so strong and confident.

Everything he will never be. Not matter how hard he’ll try.

All he can do was to dedicate his heart.

Dedicate his heart so you could be safe, so you could finally be free from those monsters.

That day, while you were taking care of him, checking his back for any sign or bad injury, cleaning his wounds, pouring a glass of water for him, looking into the kitchen and cooking something so he could heal properly. Floch promised himself that he would be someone who deserves your kindness toward him.

« Still daydreaming ?

What ?

I don’t know, tell me you are pretty quiet since I took you into the nursery. Is something wrong ?

Well I wanted to ask you something but I don’t know if I should

Go ahed I won’t eat you

Very funny. Well I wanted to know why you’re like this ?

Like what ?

You know caring ?

I don’t know. I guess it’s just a part of my personality besides all of you are my family so yeah it seems normal to me to act like this

There’s people who don’t deserve your kindness

Are you perhaps thinking about someone in particular ?

Me actually

Why make you think you don’t deserve my attention ?

Well I actually said to one of your close friends that he should die

Good point. You recognized your mistake right ?

Sure but I still believe the Major should survive that day

You’re not the only one they’re plenty of people who believed he should survive … maybe he should but in the end it’s not up to us to take that decision. We’re soldier, we can’t see the futur we don’t know what would happen.

The major did or at least that’s what I thought

I actually believe he knows shit about everything, he just tried, he was cocky but he succeed that’s what we expected from him. Nothing more nothing less. But in the end, he makes bad decision and he lived with it. I don’t believe he was the only one able to save humanity.

Then who ?

Us. I mean that’s why we’re here right ?

And the major was cocky

*laugh* yeah you’re right I’m probably presumptuous but like I said any on us can’t predict the future all we can do is to work harder so tomorrow would be better

Dedicate our heart

Exactly. Now rest I’ll check on you tonight alright ?

Sure. Thank you Y/N

You don’t need to thank me Floch, but you’re welcome »

Smiling at him, you walked into your friends so you could keep your training.

After your talk with Floch, started to notice that in fact, your kindness had no limit and you were helping anyone ; including him the coward who weren’t able to save the Major or any of his friends. The coward who can’t have a plan on his own and decide to follow someone instead of having his own opinion. The one who decided to follow the very man he despises for being able to follow his dream not matter what. The coward who would have to kill his friends, his camardes in order to protect eldians, in order to protect you.

Sometimes, he wonders if you still like him ? If you would still take care of him after the war, Would you take care of his wounds like you used to ? Would you cook his meal so he could heal properly ? Would you comfort him again when he’ll have nightmare ?

Does he even deserves your kindness ? Is it right for him to crave for your attention ? To always walk into your direction whenever he feels down or when he was dreaming about that day in Shiganshima ? The day when he fail as a soldier ?

For now, he will just enjoy your company as much as he can.

For now you don’t hate him, so he can still talk to you, go to you anytime he feels like he needs to. Enjoying every attention you would give him.

For now he doesn’t betray you, he doesn’t disappoint you.

But maybe.

Maybe you won’t hate him ? Maybe his action would make sense to you ? Maybe you would still like him ? Maybe he’ll be able ton confess to you ? Maybe you’ll understand that everything he does was to protect his people and you in particular.

Because for him, you are his light, his everything that help him to wake up and do his duty. You’re the one whop help him to remember why he is doing this, you��re the one who help him so he won’t go crazy.

You’re the one for him.

#attack on titans #aot #Shingeki no kyojin #snk #floch forster #floch x reader #Floch Forster x reader #Floch Forster headcanon #aot floch #snk floch #Floch forster imagine #🐥 anon #attack on titan #Snk x reader #aot x reader #Floch x y/n #eren jaeger

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concealeddarkness13 · 3 years

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WHG 15 Post-Games Imposter Syndrome Part 16

The day after part 15! With a fun visitor! Tagging: @sparkles-and-hens, @knmartinshouldbewriting, @maple-writes, @pen-of-roses (also thanks for Conor!), @thoughts-of-nora, and @ratracechronicler!

The night after I met Indigo Carmine, I used my magic to cut the locks on my window so I could go scope the Capitol out. It was dark, and no one was around, and I found out where some key buildings were from the apartment. All in all, a productive night, and no one saw me. At least I could still do something.

The next morning, that feeling of accomplishment was pushed down a little. A Peacekeeper walked into my room without even knocking with an unassuming man following behind her. He fiddled with his hands as he walked forward. “I am here to heal your wounds, but my magic has a price.”

I smiled. “That I don’t want to pay.”

The Peacekeeper just scoffed. “That you’re forced to pay.” She nudged the man forward, and he touched my arms, and I almost screamed as the pain from my wounds magnified. Shit. Was he really healing me?

When he was done, he took a step back and wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “My magic heals, but it causes the pain to increase. I’m sorry.” He bowed slightly and scurried out after the Peacekeeper.

A tall man (but not taller than me) with dirty blonde hair and dark brown eyes slipped in after the other man left, and I almost didn’t recognize him. What was the District 9 escort doing here? Poor man if he was asking after his gloves. They were gone.

He leaned against the wall and cocked an eyebrow at me while he smirked a little. His clothes weren’t as flashy as they were before, which was why I almost hadn’t recognized him. “I must say, you are far more interesting than I first thought. Though I suppose you’ve been hearing that far too often as of late.”

So, probably not as inconsequential as I had assumed in the beginning when I had stolen from him. Brilliant. I cocked an eyebrow back at him, staying seated on my bed, tensed against the pain. “And you’re looking remarkably less ridiculous than the last time I saw you.”

He smiled wider. “Oh good, you recognized me, I was deeply worried you wouldn’t under all that. But I suppose you did go through all that effort to steal from me with my dear star’s help I presume.”

Huh. He seemed to know Reine, possibly. But I wasn’t going to say anything about her. I leaned back and smirked. “Nah. That was all me. And by the way, I had my stylist burn those hideous gloves after the interview.” So ha.

His eyes changed color for a little bit. So, magic? Possible. “Burn, really? And here I thought you had an affinity for ice that would prevent such a thing.” Crystal, actually. Big difference. “Still, doesn’t really matter now that you’re here. I was so worried after I discovered that lovely little trick that I wouldn’t get the chance to properly meet you, that the Games would claim you well before ally cat and I arrived with your crew to aid the escape. But imagine my surprise when instead you were delivered to my newest interest?”

What the fuck was he talking about? Reine hadn’t said anything about anyone else helping. So, he was either screwing with me, or I just hadn’t known everything, which was understandable. Either way, why would I question it? He was probably wanting me to. “Hmm.” I looked him up and down. He didn’t look that impressive. Which meant that he was hiding plenty. “Those are a lot of vague claims that I don’t have time to unpack right now. So, what can I do to placate your interest?”

“This.” He spread his arms wide with a slight flourish. “Your very existence is interesting to me from what I’ve been hearing, about how you shouldn’t exist.” Oh boy. Did he really think I’d tell him about that? “It’s different and new and exciting. Here I thought you and my lovely Reine would cause an uproar here for me to watch with your escape.” He had mentioned her again. What was the purpose of that? She was captured. Was he trying to imply a threat? “Instead I discover a strange group of people, these Shades, working for the Capitol with powers I haven’t seen before, which is really quite impressive, Pirate.” I almost reacted to that, but I stopped myself. Shit. Reine. “After all we’ve been around for quite a long time. She did tell you that right? Or I’m sure you’re clever enough to have seen the signs of it anyway.”

Not really when I was focusing on helping people escape. But that was interesting. Something to ask her if I ever saw her again. But I must have fucked something completely up if she had been around for far longer than she looked and she had been captured because of me. Shit.

I smiled and bowed a little, not showing anything to him. “I’m honored that my existence intrigues you. Would you like my whole life story, or just the paraphrased version?”

He quirked an eyebrow, still smiling as he looked me over. “Oh I like you. Yes it seems I wasn’t off the mark here, you will be so much fun to watch as this all plays out. Your loyalty is inspiring, truly. I am curious what you will actually tell me of your life though? To give you this much fire after everything when even poor rainbow is beside herself over losing you. If you will indulge me Pirate?” He bowed back.

Reine again? What the hell was he trying to say? Play along for now. Fake tears, cracking voice. “Well, it all started when my father told me that I should have never been born. So, I ran away and joined some pirates. And did I tell you that Churi was my father? I bet you’ve seen him. That’s why he hates my guts.”

“Oh shall I get some popcorn for this beautiful tale you are spinning? Tell me which of the higher ups in the Capitol is the mother?” He gasped. “Oh don’t tell me, President Snow is the wealthy uncle who will leave you everything in the end after a dramatic murder? Though I do think your acting may need a little work, not quite as sharp as your words.”

Rude. I winked. “Joke’s on you, I was making it obvious. And I hadn’t thought about President Snow being the wealthy uncle. You think he’d bust me out of here?”

“Hardly seems the type, no see you can’t find out about it until after the death because then there’s the will explaining how the entire thing was an act to keep you safe, but the untimely death means there’s no one else to continue his work, no?” He seemed to be enjoying this, gesturing dramatically throughout. “Of course, I’d say that’s when you discover the whole secret world full of magic and impossibilities and whatever unique power runs through your blood, but it seems you’ve skipped that part.” He flashed me a grin.

Now, to dig. Probably too obvious, but oh well. I eyed him. “And what part would you play in this story?”

He dramatically looked thoughtful. “I suppose that depends on who is telling the story. Whatever best fits my desires at the moment. Currently? The audience watching what’ll happen next, when you’ll make your next move to escape this because you hardly seem the type to just sit by, and what this shady organization will do to try to stop this and spin the narrative in their favor.” He wanted me to trust him. That had to be why he talked with favor about me escaping. “Though I suppose now I should play the distant friend who shows up in time for dear Reine to cry on the shoulder of about failing you.”

Reine again. I had to be careful around him, or he could hurt her. That had to be the reason why he kept talking about her. I nodded. “So, since you are part of the audience, you must be satisfied to see the protagonist, so, in order to not bore you, you should probably take your leave.”

He bowed, not breaking eye contact or losing the smile. “It was a pleasure to finally meet you Triel. I am sure you will not disappoint me in your endeavors.” He actually looked like he was going to leave. Wow. Not what I expected.

I nodded again. “I’m sure I’ll see you clapping in the audience soon enough.”

“Unless I’m needed elsewhere of course.” He winked and left.

Well, that was a lot to unpack. And I still had tons of questions. Would I actually see him again? Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or not.

#writeblr hunger games #writeblr

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imjukyung · 3 years

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Okay so this was supposed to be a why I love Lee Suho post, KDRAMA’s Lee Suho, but it turned out to be more of another analysis of who he is, which in the end is a reason why I love him okay. I am not posting this for people to argue with me, so if you don’t like what I say below, feel free to ignore it <3 LOVE YOU ALL. (pls note this is long af, like over 1000 words)

I know that a LOT of people are very iffy on drama Suho, which is valid, and this is more of a place for me to unload what I love about him, and for others to do so as well. I'm going to preface this with, don't try to argue with me, I'm laying out my feelings on the manner and no matter how much you argue with me, I won't change my mind so yeah. Either way. Here it goes.

Before I start actually, again, let me preface with what we know about drama suho. 1. He lost his mother to cancer at/around the age 8 to 10, and his father turned to women and alcohol as a result of his wife's death. 2. It's been stated by Suho's dad that he was an absentee father, meaning that it was just Suho's older sister (if they keep her, which I hope they do, if not he was by himself) and himself for a LONG time. 3. The suicide of his friend happened ONE year ago vs THREE in the webtoon, so there's been less time for him to process.

First of all, we're introduced to Suho in the drama on that rooftop, where our main character had been moments away from taking her own life (she had changed her mind, but hadn't stepped off yet) and all he does as an immediate reaction is try to save her. Something he hadn't been able to do with his friend, but he helped someone else. Someone else who needed help. It's why he essentially lectures her, because although he doesn't know her situation, he knows the feeling of having someone you love make that choice, and the pain associated with the aftermath of said choice. He doesn't want whoever loves this girl to deal with the guilt he himself feels. Anyway you can tell that his friend's suicide is still v present in his mind and his heart (he's listening to one of the unreleased songs, he goes back to where it happened) and you know what, that's probably his attempt at coping. He probably goes up there, sits, contemplates.

Now at school, we know that he's a bit of an antisocial asshole, and I get that. But who the heck was around to teach him to be social, how to properly express himself? We haven't seen anything like that for him, and so why is he expected to know how to properly do any of that stuff if there's no one around to teach him that. And as a person who works with children, I've seen that when a young child suffers a trauma, they tend to regress into themselves. Which is essentially what happened to Suho, he regressed into himself. I know some people will say well not everyone who suffers a trauma reacts this way. But just like grief, trauma is handled differently depending on the individual. Now it appears as if he basically raised himself, it’s stated multiple times that he’s lived away from his father for a very long time. Meaning that he’s been on his own for a long time, most of his hobbies are things he can do alone. Because, he’s always been alone. He loves to read comic books, he studies a SHIT ton, 90 percent of the time we either see him at school, at extra classes, or at the comic book store. His sole friend is Sujin and that’s just because there’s a childhood connection there. Even then, you don’t see him socialize with her much. Not saying that other people don’t want to be his friend, but considering the amount of things he keeps to himself, it makes sense that he feels like he can’t make those bonds.

Now we know that when he figures out what Jugyeong’s secret (not that she tried to kill herself) but that she looks different with make up on, and he realizes that she really is desperate to ensure no one tells her, this idiot decides to have her run errands for him. Now is this the most effective way to make friends? Nope. But he’s an idiot sometimes, and well again, what’s a social skill? Probs the only skill that Suho lacks. Now begins a friendship, well as best as Suho can friendship without you know, knowing how to friend. Because this genius instead of asking Jugyeong to hang out, makes her do errands which he hopes END in them hanging out, this is reinforced by the look of disappointment that seems to briefly cross his face when she runs in and out after each errand. Suho had no idea how much he was inadvertently hurting Jugyeong with what he was doing, until the crying moment when she unloads on him and he realizes what an idiot he was. He apologized after cleaning her up and it feels like progress. Maybe he can really make a friend here (maybe more than a friend, because what’s this strange feeling he gets when he thinks of her)

But of course that ever present feeling of guilt, reinforced by Seojun’s return and his own words about Seyeon’s death. Now, losing someone you love is hard, I can only imagine how much harder it is when you lose them through suicide, let alone have your other best friend blame you for it. So not only does Suho feel guilty about not answering that call, knowing Seojun also blames him, it adds on to that guilt. That sense that maybe he doesn't’ deserve to be happy, so as Jugyeong starts to get closer, and he finds that he wants to get closer to her too, BAM reality seems to hit. Seojun reminds him that he doesn’t deserve to be happy because he’s a murderer, and how can he do this to her? Jugyeong is like a little ray of sunshine if you look at it through Suho’s eyes. She’s bright and happy, and she offered to be his friend, that if he ever has problems to talk to her. Can you think of how big this is? How he probably decided that he couldn’t suck her into the black hole that was his life, so what does he do? He is an asshole to her, an ABSOLUTE asshole to her because maybe then she’ll stay away, she’ll get to keep her spark and he won’t be fucking her life up too.

Now it’s harder for him to stay away, especially after she comforts him after he was being an ass. I fully believe he was going to apologize to her on that rooftop, but the fire alarm beat him to it. He tries his best to stay away but it’s like something keeps pushing them together, he goes to her house, he gets to experience what a family dynamic is like, and you see that light inside of him sort of turn back on. And of course his growing feelings for her are there, you can see it in his actions, in how he tries to protect her and his jealousy regarding Seojun. Now you have to remember Seojun initially made it seem like he was going to like Jugyeong just to spite Suho, and until episode 7, that’s how Suho believed it to be, he had no idea that Seojun genuinely liked her and therefore his protective instincts kicked in.

Overall I find Suho to be absurdly interesting, and my boy is so broken but he’s also trying. After he confesses you can see him just trying to be a better friend. He’s sweet to Jugyeong, that even though he was more than ready to tell everyone they were dating, he respected what she wanted. He’s being friendliest to Sujin, she even said he was regaining his humanity. He was trying again, and that in itself is amazing. He can still make mistakes because well he’s still got a shit ton of trauma he needs to work through, but you can see that he’s trying. I love him and I can’t wait to see him get better because he deserves it.

#not a beauty (ooc)#lee suho #true beauty #protect lee su ho squad #me trying to get poetic (meta)

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sumeshi-t · 4 years

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when to shutcho bitchass up.

so i had this long ass reply as i was about to reblog a haikyuu writer’s response to a hate ask but i had to eat lunch, and my wifi’s acting up so it all got deleted. but anyway, after lurking in the shadows for god knows how long, i decided to speak up about this on-going issue of hate being poorly masked as “constructive criticism”.

it doesn’t just happen on haikyuu blogs, like, every fandom has it. and it saddens me because i’ve seen the greatest blogs out here just vanish into thin air (or has gone on hiatus and never returned/archived the blog/deactivated) for getting hate that they absolutely do not deserve. nobody does. nobody needs that hate; not now not ever. most often than not, there are people who hide behind the anon feature in asks. but i guess some people lately have now learned how to own up to their own mistakes; and yes, everyone’s opinion is valid, is welcome to be entertained; however the way you word these things out also matters. it’s just like when someone writes something, you know? why do you get to complain, “your writing suckxz” when you can’t even write down why you think so? lol gtfo. people can interpret your words in however way they want, and that’s the one thing you cannot control. so at least, when you attempt to apologize for something you “didn’t mean to” or “was just a joke”, at least make it sound like you mean it. if you want your opinion to be taken seriously, learn how to say it with manners.

anyway, this post will be terribly long, probably longer than the shit i’ve ever written anywhere lmao. some of the things i’ll say here might come off as redundant but because the same thing happens over and over again, what else would you expect?

Exhibit A: “constructive criticism” does not mean, or shall never be equated to “hate”

if you go around tumblr, there are tons of posts which educate people how to properly write a critique, how to decently and reasonably critic someone’s work, whether it be in the form of writing, or digital art, etc. even if you type “constructive criticism” on that google search bar, tons of websites are going to tell you how to do it, so it really is unacceptable to use “it’s constructive criticism” as an excuse when all you’ve said is “your writing sucks”. literally, how can “constructive criticism” go from “you’re not even a good writer, why the hype?” to “you’re too positive, too fake, if you’re sad, show that you’re sad.” that ain’t it chief. constructive criticism is given to the works of a content creator, not directed at the content creator itself.

ever heard of the sandwich method? yeah, yummy and easy, right? basically it means, you start it off with the positive things about the content creator, then the negative ones in the middle, then reinforce them at the end. okay, i’ll repeat that here, let me break it down if that isn’t enough for cute little noggins to understand:

tell the content creator what made you hooked on their works in the first place. what made you indulge in all that deliciously free content, that has brought you to tears, to laughs, to orgasm. you don’t necessarily have to praise them, but acknowledge that you’re aware of what they’re doing and how it is, or how their progress is so far.

now here comes the critique part. this where the “however” and the “but” words come in, to transition from (for example) “your way with words is breathtaking” to “sometimes i feel they’re too much to digest all at once”. get it? pinpoint to the content creator just exactly what aspects in their current state do you wish they could improve on, or areas do you think they are lacking or weak, so to speak. be concise, be comprehensive, be nice.

lastly, my favorite part, is you give them tips or advice or just a fucking hint how you think they can achieve the things you said from #2. even if you know or assume that they’d understand your point, or “it’s their job to find it out by themselves”... well, a little input or jumpstart wouldn’t hurt, would it? so from the example, “your way with words is breathtaking” to “(however) sometimes i feel they’re too much to digest all at once” you end it with a, “i think or why don’t you try doing so, and this, and that,”

lemme go back to the “it’s their job to find it out by themselves” aha, news flash honey: this isn’t their job. it’s their way of enjoyment, their leisure, their free time that they use up just to bring out free content for lots of people like you to indulge in. most people come here, or on ao3, or basically anywhere where you can post your work, just for fun. you cannot be demanding, that’s why they have their rules and all, but i digress. content creators feed on feedback, and feedback alone. i hope you have an idea how something as simple as “asdflkjshdls” in the tags can bring a phat smile to a content creator’s face, what more, if it’s something coherent. just fucking keyboard smash is a boost to their confidence (trust me, it’s very fun knowing that how “asdfgjkl” i was when writing something, is the same as the “asdfgjkl” the readers had when reading)

this sandwich method thing doesn’t only apply to this certain situation. in fact, this is an effective means of communicating your point across to people in school, at work, and even in the comforts of your home. right?

didn’t you feel bad when your teacher returned your paper to you and just said, “i gave you that grade just because” and nothing more? or when that classmate of yours said, “no, i don’t like this idea. think up of something else” for a project? didn’t you ever question them, “why, and on what basis?”

how about, when your boss returned your report, only saying, “revise this” but what is “this”? sure, there are bosses who do this to try to teach their employees to find things out and find solutions on their own, but you cannot deny that some are just being disgustingly rude about it.

how about at home you say? well... remember that time when your parents compared you to their friends’ children, or even compared you among your own siblings? or that time you were lashed out on? actually, you know, what, i’m sorry for bringing this up, as light as this was worded out, some people might get triggered simply from those two phrases i put out. however, i will address this issue next.

Exhibit B: you don’t know the people you are talking to, therefore you do not know what they are going through

you can’t say, “oh, you’re all just so sensitive” or “it’s just an opinion” when clearly, this (tw: depression, suicide, family issues, gender and sexuality, body positivity, etc) topics is/are sensitive to most content creators, to most people. some brush it off fine, and take a while to reach their boiling point, but not everyone’s like that. you can’t tell people how they should react to your random spewing of hate. each person has their own level of tolerance, so don’t go off and assume that everybody online is the same and grew from the same fucking tree.

some or most people use writing/drawing/etc. as a means to cope with what shit life has thrown at them; and then you, being so stupidly ignorant, just waltz in and drop that bomb on what possibly, could be the only ray of sunlight they have in their life, especially now in this bleak year.

receiving anon-hate or hate-asks should not be the norm. it is not and never will be okay. i thought you were here to critic their work, why even joke about something that could have been personal to someone? why even joke about these kinds of things in the first place? why even bring up something that might have been a personal issue when all you had to do was critic their work?

my god, stop acting like a boomer already. tbh the audacity of some people here, idk. if you’re not going through anything at all, then may god/brahma/allah/whichever supreme being you believe in or whatever good karma it is, bless you.

it’s not that one should sympathize, or, it isn’t also expected of people to full on empathize, but a little respect goes a long way. why don’t we try to put ourselves in the shoes of the person we’re about to send that hate-ask to. if not us, how about that close friend who’s easy to bring to tears, or mom, or cousin? wouldn’t it be aggravating? wouldn’t it be painful?

well... who am i to assume, i don’t even know you. get it?

just please, acknowledge that everyone here is human. they have emotions, they have their own thoughts, they have their own lives outside of the screen. how they choose to portray themselves here has nothing to do with you. how they choose to react to that hate ask doesn’t have to do with anything you should concern yourself with.

LET PEOPLE ENJOY THINGS. LET PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIFE THEIR OWN WAY, both virtual and in reality.

i know this post won’t get too far, but i have had enough of seeing the nicest people, who just wanted to express their creativity and share the happiness and the fun, be put down just because of unnecessary hate. i hope those people who send those in never get to experience that, or if they have, i hope they understand that doing so to others isn’t going to change anything about themselves.

#no to anon hate #stop hating #everybody is human #APPRECIATE CONTENT CREATORS #ITS FREE REAL ESTATE #spread love not hate #spread legs not hate #leesten

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savage-rhi · 4 years

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I know your not a therapist but like... How do you get past losing a best friend? Like you two use to be close and now your nothing to them and your lonely... and it’s hurts allot....

Hoo-boy, this is never an easy subject no matter how old you are.

First, thank you for acknowledging that I am not a therapist. While I am training to be a peer support specialist, it doesn’t mean I qualify as a therapist (I mean with the shit I’ve been through and what I know about the system, I should be without a master considering I have 2 bachelors and associates plus a shit ton of psych credits but I digress) but I’m gonna attempt to help you sort through the painful bullshit that is losing a friend. I may speak from personal experience, so I apologize in advance if this comes across as “me me me..”etc.

The first step should be asking yourself this question: have you communicated properly with your friend to talk about your feelings and see if said person is okay?

More often than not, we grow distant from friends not because we don’t value them, but because life has a way of throwing us into its stresses. It’s perfectly acceptable in my opinion to have a friendship where you’re not constantly talking to each other, but a check-in every now and again is nice. I have dear friends where we haven’t spoken in like years but then get back together when life isn’t kicking our asses the curb. That being said, every friendship is different. Sometimes people have more needs than others and that’s okay, but it’s important that you communicate this in a healthy way with your friend.

I feel like I went off on a tangent here, but yes, please, please, please before you move on and do any other action: TALK TO YOUR FRIEND. Communication is vital in any kind of relationship. Don’t beat around the bush either, get to your point and concerns so you both can work together to figure out what’s causing the rut.

Now, if all is said and done and they tell you to kiss their ass, or pretty much give all the signals and cues that they’re done, this is hard but take these steps and tread lightly. Be kind to yourself when going through this.

My first step would be to not force closure. It’s not healthy for you, and potentially not healthy for your ex-friend should they want distance and you want to try and salvage something.

Second, tailor your social media or whatever else you have them on. Give them a light block or a full-on block. Whatever you do, commit to it. You’ll save yourself the trouble and won’t feel pressured to try and salvage the relationship.

Third, if you have mutual friends this can be tricky but remain civil. Do not divulge in the reason why you and so and so don’t speak anymore. Just say you grew apart or there was some conflict, and leave it at that. Should you two bump into each other at friend gatherings or something, try to keep your composure. Focus on the friends you do have, or you can do what I do, and pretend ex-friend is an NPC character and you don’t feel like interacting with said person to move onto the next quest. I’ve done this to co-workers I couldn’t stand, and peers who drove me up a wall and it works wonders. But find something that works for you.

Fourth, focus on something that is going to benefit you. If you and bestie were always there for each other 24/7 it can be difficult figuring out what to do with your time now that they are not at the center, but trying out new things and new experiences are essential in helping one deal with heartbreak be it from a friend or partner. Enjoy the little things, find your zen or whatever the fuck gives you that spark to keep staying curious.

Fifth, get involved with community. Now, I am not saying go out there and get another BFF. I am saying that as social creatures, we need each other. Getting closure from other people can be a step towards healing and maybe forming future friendships. Find your niche, tribe, or pack of people and let them know you’re hurting and need help getting to your closure.

Last, and to me, this is the most important step: What did you learn from this relationship? Do you tend to have a lot of friendships where this happens? Do you tend to choose a lot of friends like this person? etc. etc. etc. The silver lining to a friend breakup is addressing your own potential toxic behaviors if there are any. Of course, your friend may have been deeply problematic on their own, and you might have to realize a sometimes-harder truth: there was nothing you could’ve done to fix them or the relationship. It is what it is. But can you learn from it? Can you grow from it? Look for the patterns so that way you come out stronger.

Speaking from personal experience, I went through many of these steps after I broke off with someone I considered family. My dad beat me up and I couldn’t drive to get help cause my body was fucked up and I called her repeatedly in the middle of the night to help me, but the following morning she blocked me from social media, phone, and wouldn’t even talk to me at college. When I addressed her a few days later, she flipped on me for not being considerate and how if I truly needed the help, I should have found a way to get to her.

At that point, given the circumstances, I didn’t want to explain myself given how dire the situation was. Since she already took the steps to block me, I kept my distance, re-evaluated our mutual friends and how to navigate through that, focused on my classes at the time, and tried to get involved with other people. It wasn’t easy, but since she took drastic actions right off the bat, I knew this was a relationship I didn’t want to put more energy into and if I continued to feed it, who knows how toxic it could have become.

I see where I was at fault for my end of things as well as hers, but I did grow from it. There were many lessons learned after that friendship ended that I otherwise wouldn’t know.

My point of all this is that you will heal. Like mourning a death, it takes time and self-compassion. You need to be there for you and try not to force things back into place. What’s done is done. Maybe you guys can come back later and try to reconnect, but if it doesn’t happen, that doesn’t diminish your worth as a person or a friend to others. You’ll find your people and you’ll have new experiences. It’s okay to mourn, it’s okay to be angry and frustrated at what happened, but give it time and move on to the next best thing.

Honey, you got this. Aunt Jay may not know a lot of shit, but I know you’ll find your way. This is the part where I’d smack you hard on the shoulder and rile you up after a tough dad talk but I can’t do that lol. But what I can say is that you’re loved. You are worthy and you’re gonna be alright. Like I say often, get to the good.

#hope this helps you honey #and other people too #stay safe #don't give up #Anonymous

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iluxia · 5 years

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This mug is trending in my hospital right now. Legit it's more popular than me. I am sharing it this morning, post-shift and full of matcha latte, as a part of my effort in fulfilling my civic & professional duty of getting you all to just

�� GET THE DAMN FLU SHOT!!!

If you have insurance, it will be free somewhere (CVS, Walgreens, the grocery store, or your doctor’s office if you haven’t done anything that prevents you from showing your face there). If you don't have insurance, vaccinefinder.org can get you to somewhere that won't cost you an arm and a leg. Alternatively, here is a table of how much it'll cost you at the usual places in the US for the quadrivalent formulation as an uninsured consumer.

As for my vaccine spiel: I’m sure you’ve read all the articles swimming around in media about this, so I won’t go into the usual why’s. (Yes, for those outside of the USA, here people debate about something as elementary as why should we vaccinate.) I will, however, pull apart a few excuses anti-vaxxers use as shields, excuses I have personally heard before. (Full disclosure, I am a physician.)

"The flu shot makes people sick immediately after vaccination because the vaccine introduces the flu virus into the body, so it actually impedes the immune system from working properly! It doesn’t work!”

This shows very poor to non-existent understanding of how vaccination & the immune system works. The flu vaccine contains inactive, dead virus parts. It introduces your immune system to what the virus looks like; remember the third Harry Potter movie, where they posted pictures of Sirius Black the Death Eater Fugitive on pamphlets to warn the wizarding world about him so they know what he looks like? It’s exactly that. The faster the immune system can recognize an intruder, the faster it can kill it.

“The flu shot has other ingredients in it (like mercury) that cause various side effects from depression and memory loss to cardiovascular disease, ADHD, and autism.”

The flu vaccine used to contain a preservative called thimerosal (ethyl mercury), which is NOT the same as methyl mercury (the toxic kind). Let’s review a little chem here, as painful as those long-buried memories are. Thimerosal is a stable preservative that has been in use in tons of things since the 1920s. There is more mercury in breastmilk than there is in a single flu shot, guys.

A dude named Andrew Wakefield and a few of his buddies published a whack case series in the Lancet in 1998 suggesting that the MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) vaccine, preserved using thimerosal, predisposed behavioral regression & developmental disorders in children. But the sample size was 12 patients. Twelve. That is negligibly tiny. Obviously they didn’t do their power calcs. And it was a case series - the least reliable type of research you can publish because a case series is anecdotal. Their “data” did not show strong correlation between the MMR vaccine and autism; indeed, their analytical model wasn’t even constructed to examine that hypothesis. Multiple epidemiological studies followed hot on the heels of this paper, refuting its wild claims, but the damage was done & the publicity was already on fire. It sparked a huge anti-vaxxer movement that is responsible, frankly speaking, for the recurrence of eradicated diseases such as measles, which is deadly to little children. [ You can read more about this whole debacle here. ] It was all about the MMR vaccine at first, but “MMR” disappeared and eventually it became “all vaccines cause autism.” This is what happens when you combine poor health education, an irresponsible publishing journal, and an immoral media. The Lancet only formally withdrew this paper from publication in Feb 2010. To this day, I find it difficult to trust the Lancet.

The studies that came after Wakefield’s stupid one all refuted Wakefield’s claims with stronger data, proper analyses, systematic reviews, and actual fucking power calcs, like actual fucking researchers.

Finally, we don’t even fully understand autism. How can you definitely claim that one specific thing can cause it? Remember: correlation =/= causation.

“The CDC promotes flu vaccines because they have financial ties & get kickbacks from Big Pharma. It’s all big business. The flu vaccine doesn’t work.”

Bars and clubs will promote alcohol to you because they get kickbacks from the breweries. It’s all big business. Does that mean that the alcohol doesn’t work?

Why are you okay giving Big Pharma your money for vitamins you don’t really need (most people don’t really need multivitamins, it just makes your pee expensive) but you can’t give them money for life-saving, pandemic-fighting vaccines that COST LESS?

And since we’re talking about business, you should know that vaccines are actually not profitable for pharmaceutical companies, because they have to make entirely new batches EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. The overheads on that must cost $$$$, I mean, they have to pay the researchers a living wage, and it takes months to make the vaccines. Come on, we all know the real money is made with ridiculously expensive life-saving medications such as insulin and the EpiPen. Duh.

Health is worth more than money, honey. Spend a day in a hospital hooked up to a ventilator with tubes coming out of every orifice and you will never deny this.

“I still get sick after the flu shot. It doesn’t work for me.”

The flu has various strains every year, and the vaccine is only made with the strains they (the researchers) predict will be the most widely distributed across a certain population. It involves a lot of statistics. Does this mean that you should skip the shot? No. Statistically, your chances of getting the most virulent, widely distributed strain is HIGHER than your chances of getting a different strain the vaccine isn’t made with. That statistics course really matters, you know.

Yes, you get a different type of flu vaccine depending on where you are in the world. The northern & southern hemispheres get different vaccine formulations because they typically get different strains. This is also why a flu strain from, say, southern China or India is fucking TERRIFYING for Europe or the US, because we likely will not have any immunity to that shit. (And vice versa.)

The flu virii evolve every year. They get more virulent, more adaptable, and more insidious every time. And do you know how they evolve? Because some asshole somewhere had partial/augmented immunity and the virus evolves under these conditions. This asshole was sick with a different strain of the flu before, but doesn’t believe in the flu shot, so he doesn’t get the one issued this year. He then gets maybe mildly sick with the new flu strain, while his wife is still sick with the previous flu strain he carried. The two strains are exposed to each other and under these conditions, the virus can evolve by mutation or genetic reassortment. Cross-exposure to other viral strains (antigenic drift) is a mechanism for viral variation & results in newer, deadlier strains that both partially immune people (infected before with other strains) AND vaccinated people cannot fight off. Then it spreads to their kid, who spreads it at the daycare, and those kids give it to their parents, who spread it at work... this, folks, is how you get an epidemic.

Vaccination really only works to eliminate a disease when you unilaterally vaccinate the entire population across the board. (As best as you can, anyway.) The vaccine will never work 100% - there is always a margin of error - but if you cover the entire population, your margin becomes more acceptable. Whereas if only some people get vaccinated, then you open up chances for viral mutation.

By the way, you might FEEL sick immediately after the flu shot, but you aren’t sick. That’s your immune system sucking your entire body dry of resources, making your muscles ache & giving you fatigue as it revs up & prepares brand new antibodies for this new virus. This takes a toll on your body, but you can combat the “sick” feeling by exercising lightly, hydrating very well, eating clean, and getting some sleep.

“My child already has a disease that lowers their immune system. If I give them the shot, that’ll completely deplete their remaining reserve. They might get a different infection and die!”

Again, a poor understanding of immune biology. 100% wrong. I give flu vaccines to immunodeficient patients with HIV, transplant patients who are taking immunosuppressants, and patients who are taking meds like Humira (immunosuppressing side effect). In fact, I prioritize the vaccine for them. They, above everyone else, need to be prepared for the coming strains of flu. I am giving their immune system time to prepare. - Of course I will monitor them closely & take appropriate precautions to prevent them from contracting other infections. I’ll support their physiological needs while they convalesce. But immunosuppression is no excuse. (That being said, have a conversation with your physician. Dosing, type, and timing of the vaccine can vary depending on your individual situation & condition.)

“Evidence now suggests that ingredients in flu shots can actually cause serious neurological disorders, like Guillain-Barre syndrome or similar neuromuscular diseases thought to be of autoimmune origin.”

In 1976, the CDC published that there was a risk of Guillain-Barre syndrome happening after a patient got a flu vaccine IF they have had the swine flu vaccine before. The risk was calculated to be 1 in 100,000 people who got the swine flu vaccine. The Institute of Medicine (IOM) did a scientific review on this issue in 2003 and concluded that the people who got the swine flu vaccine in 1976 were at increased risk, but otherwise, there has been no significant change or increase since then. Did you get the swine flu vaccine in 1976? No? Okay, go get the flu shot.

It is true that there have been observed cases where neuromuscular disorders like Guillain-Barre or chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy (CIDP) seems to be triggered, or occur after the patient gets the vaccine. We don’t fully understand how or why. I have treated these patients (they are relatively rare, I see maybe 1-2 every year) and they recover well provided competent care at a good hospital. Look out for research on this, but until we definitively know a causative link, it’s foolish to skip a perfectly safe, proven, and highly recommended vaccine to avoid a very narrow “maybe.”

If you have questions, guys, I will answer. Drop me an ask or PM me. But please, please spread the word and get vaccinated.

If you get scared or doubt your decision to get the shot, remember that the only reason we are not all dead from smallpox (it was an epidemic) and cholera (a pandemic) and rabies (from all your pets) and typhoid (also a pandemic) and the fucking black plague is because of that 5ml of liquid in that tiny little syringe.

Vaccines do not cause autism. Vaccines cause adults.

GET. THE. SHOT.

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vael · 4 years

Text

2019 Annual Review

Each year, I look back at the previous year’s annual review and note that things didn’t go as planned. For some reason I am always surprised, but this time it’s a little painful, too. From 2018′s Annual Review:

“2019 outlook? Sunny! I hope it will be my best year yet.“

Oh, Vael. You built your house, you moved to the promised land. But your year did not go as planned. You are not even close to the zen you craved.

It has been a wild year. This will run long. All I can do is stick to the format and hope my memory and average writing skill will do the year justice. So, as usual, we start with the positive.

What went well this year?

We like our house. We do. The builder was no good, resulting in some warped walls and a lot of headache getting them to finish everything properly, but the layout is very suitable for us. My office is exactly what I needed, our TV room has just the right space for us. We finally have a respectable kitchen. Since I’m living and working in the house 24 hours a day, it’s important to have a comfortable space.

Game development. For the past five years, I’ve put in some serious work. A lot of it was within my game engine, GAM3, and tinydark’s gaming network, The Orbium. While I put in a lot of work, not much came in the way of actual games produced. I finally rallied in 2018 and put out Bean Grower. It was designed to be a supplemental game, not a main driver, so it will not bring in sustainable income. I went on to think that I should open GAM3 up to other developers, license the engine out and collect a share of what they make.

I resolved to refactor GAM3: a word which means to rewrite and modernize many parts of it so that it’s easier to work in, and for it to present better. I would come to realize this desire to share GAM3 was due to a lack of confidence in myself to produce something great, and financially sustainable. Around the time I was realizing that multiplayer was the answer, I discovered Marosia.

Then we moved, I took on contract work, and things generally slowed for me for a few months, eking out what development I could. I played Marosia throughout and in August, it died. I wrote a teardown for it. The stars had aligned: though I had a lot of prelim work to be done, I would make a successor to Marosia. I managed to hype a few people in the community with a demo of GAM3 and I spent the next few months coding a chat prototype and generally organizing myself, and finally mid-November began the refactoring. It would end there, but just this morning (seriously) we learned Marosia was coming back. I had a momentary freakout but it’s ultimately a good thing for my own game.

I haven’t been more excited for a project in a long time. I never thought I’d be so excited to create a standard fantasy world, but it’s a ton of fun, with intricacies I never considered. The game’s design lends itself to a sustainable monetization model: I’m thinking $3/mo for quality-of-life upgrades, with a discount for buying in bulk. I would have paid double for Marosia, so I think this is fair. (6 months of die2nite is currently priced at $69, 6 months of Hattrick is $90!) And most important of all, I can do it ethically, with a game that truly means something to people.

Web development. I’ve learned quite a bit this year! I am so grateful for svelte. I liked but never loved React.js. It always felt ponderous to me. I have no doubt The Orbium’s refactoring would have taken me half the time it did if I were learning svelte vs. React, simply because React is so much more convoluted than svelte, and all in the name of uglier syntax. Svelte seamlessly integrates style and functionality into UI components, which means that if I’m working with a button that clicks to open a modal, everything I need for that button is in that one file.

Due to my contract work (with Harley Davidson, I can reveal) I also got some experience with Symfony and other modern development practices in PHP. PHP doesn’t really excite me these days, loathing having to produce views with it, but it is at least comfy.

My job. “Yeah, yeah.” I got a raise, most of which was contributed to getting Eve and my son onto my badass healthcare plan. We’re developing like it’s 2012, which is frustrating and makes even simple tasks take forever, but I can’t complain about the pay nor the stability of the company and my position there. I also work mostly remotely.

What didn’t go so well?

2019 was dominated by the bad. Eve’s not putting out an Annual Review, but our pain is shared.

The move. 11 months after the contract was signed, our builder was finally ready to let us move in. The house was not finished, just livable. So we rushed out of Rhode Island. We packed my car with everything we could fit, even removing the spare tire, but we got almost all of it. Me, Eve, our son, and our two cats.

At around 7:30 PM, we were driving on a dark highway when we were struck by a muffler that had fallen out from the truck in front of us. It destroyed the front-end, spilling radiator fluid onto the road. I had no idea what was going on, but it so happened that a mechanic had broken down right near us and was able to help. The engine barely carried us to the nearest motel, and I was in shock. I carried all our stuff to our second-floor room, it was even lightly raining. And I was defeated. Eve reports she had never seen me so bad. I had no idea how long we’d be in this ghetto-ass motel, what it would cost us during this time of great financial need, and mostly: I was just miserable. We could have died. If it had hit one of our tires, we could have spun out at 70+ MPH. All I wanted to do was get to our house the next day, and here we were.

I won’t detail the rest here, but I do want to thank my friends for their support and appreciate the good fortune that we got through this time.

We got to the house at 11PM on a Sunday; I still appreciate our builder taking the time to show us around so late. And... it was not at all what we were expecting. We had no driveway, and it had rained. We were tracking in some mud but that didn’t even matter because the entire house had to be cleaned. There was dirt all over the floors, they’d forgotten I didn’t want a chandelier over the dining room table, and the feeling was that we’d gone through Hell (and austure financial practices) to get here and this was it. So much wasn’t done. We knew that, but we didn’t think we’d be sweeping and wetting the floor with paper towel just to have a place to put our stuff. Shoutout to my friend Cody for setting us up with a supply drop.

We spent a lot of time buying furniture, aided by our rental SUV, all the while worrying about our newly purchased things sitting around the house without our protection as workers came in and out. I had to go back to Virginia to pick up the car and through exhaustion, caffeine, stupidity, and anxiety, managed to go 88 MPH and get myself a ticket: a misdemeanor, even. I spent the entire day picking up that damn car (5 hours up and down) and returned home in the worse state I’d ever felt. I was emotionally, mentally, and physically depleted.

But there was no stopping for me: I took on contract work and I had to get it done just to stay afloat. And then we got a fucking dog.

The dog. At some point in 2018 we determined that our son could use a companion and that a dog really completes the family. Leading up to the move, we put a down payment on a rough collie: the “Lassie” breed. They usually run around $800 and we got her for $500. I was a fan of the breed and Eve had done research that proves it’s a great breed. (it is) Even after the accident, we thought we should pay the rest for her and bring some joy into our life.

We named her Esme, and getting a dog was definitely one of the worst macro decisions I’ve made for the family yet. I couldn’t last more than a month with her. It was my decision to get rid of her, which made my wife and son sad but we were getting so little out of the experience. The cats beat her up, she was afraid of everything, and all she wanted to do was run around but we kept her cooped up in the house because we had no fence. I hated that there was still a dog smell, and I hated that it farted during Game of Thrones. It was over when we went grocery shopping and came back to a poop-filled crate, which the circumstances of the night dictated I must clean.

Young Living. Eve was supposed to sell essential oils for some side money. We knew it wasn’t going to be big money, unless she got lucky or turned out to be a natural-born saleswoman, but it was something to do and we believe in the products. I really trust in Young Living and I personally have seen the benefits of their oils and products.

So she went to the YL convention in Utah to learn to sell and, hey, have some fun. She returned feeling even less confident: they’d changed some numbers, and the truth that we always knew was that the market’s highly saturated. There are memes trivializing the effects of oils and there’s no denying the company’s an MLM. A lot of the big earners made their sales early on. Coinciding with the bad feels of Autumn, we decided to put the oil dream aside and focus on mental and physical health.

Eve mental/physical health. The muffler changed a lot for us. It morphed what should have been a very happy time in our lives into a very stressful one. Eve felt fatigued and broken down, and I wasn’t much better off. One day before her planned back-to-action, pick ourselves up and get ready to enjoy Summer, she sprained and tore a ligament in her ankle while coming down the stairs. We hoped it was just a sprain and did everything we could to avoid going to the doctor, but a week later she hadn’t gotten better and so began the PT and bullshit regimen. Our plans of hiking the blue ridge mountains were crushed.

But she recovered, and I shit you not, the very day before she planned to return to action, it was Father’s Day. She was making me my special breakfast and was using a hand-blender to blend pumpkin french toast mix when she went to clean some gunk out of the blender with her finger. It was a split-second decision to help make breakfast faster. Her finger twitched, caught the irresponsibly sensitive power button and tore her finger up. Immediately took her to Urgent Care and then the Emergency Room. $3,000 and some luck later, she kept her finger, but has permanently lost some feeling in it.

That was a bad time for us. I was overworked, she was miserable, and yet she still managed to get to Utah to learn how to sell. To salvage our year. In Autumn, all the anxiety, stress, and the damage from her upbringing finally culminated and she broke.

Her physical health tanked in tandem with her mental. She suffered frequent menstrual issues and her EDS (a joint disorder) flaring up. It is hard to detail all the pain and frustration, and it really is beyond the scope of what needs to be said. My wife is depressed, prone to feeling overwhelmed, and I’m happy to say that we are getting her professional help soon.

What’s remarkable is that I can’t recall a period of time that she didn’t try her best to recover. Every month, most weeks, she would constantly express that the next day or month was her time. She’s done it for this month and 2020 as well. And I don’t think she’s lazy or unmotivated. She is just defeated and I am a poor comforter. Honestly, I am just shit at helping people if the solution isn’t “well just force yourself to do the thing.” That’s how I get through my problems and it doesn’t work for everyone, not even always myself. Still she is strong. I think writing this out has helped me remember that.

Relationship with my son. I had hoped my increased efficiency and happiness would improve our relationship. I planned for more structure: things like “once we’re upstairs for bedtime rituals, no going back down.” Each night I make a point to spend a minimum of 30 focused minutes with him. But I have only succeeded in making our relationship worse. I don’t think he needs professional help, but there is something within him, from when he was three years old, that just prevents him from being a hard worker. Respect is important to me and I don’t respect him. He is a frustrated child, often not understanding the world, often forgetting things he was supposed to do. I’m not doing a good job of helping.

I think I could have done better, but there were simply too many fronts to fight.

Mental performance. I haven’t gotten any better from last year. I am still not as sharp as 2017-Vael. It is a matter of stress and lifestyle.

What did I learn?

How to be a homeowner! Generally how to manage a home. I got my tools, all cute with my little leaf blower.

SLOWWWW DOWWWWN. The outside of the house needs some work. We need to extend our driveway, clear an acre, and put up a fence. I could take a loan out to do this and be fine, but I could also just slow down. Take a deep breath. Enjoy what we have for the Summer. It sucks I won’t be able to use that acre for farming, but I think I have a good place to plant a single apple tree this year. And hey, less mowing.

A shit ton of web development.

Probably became more cynical. But I think The Good Place has helped remind me to be a good person.

To just accept Eve needs help. And that I really suck at helping her.

Future Outlook

All that bad stuff that happened? Pfft. Shitty year. 2020′s here, it’s a brand new decade. I’ve got a cool game I want to make, we’re gonna get Eve some help, and...

Get pregnant! Yeah! Right now we definitely aren’t ready for kids. We need to use our new health insurance to make a bunch of appointments, recover financially, mentally, physically. But we very badly want more children. I feel it all the time. I have begun to suspect that genetics do matter, and I wonder if Abel’s laziness mirrors his biological father’s laziness. My dad loved to work and I do too. It might be possible to pass these traits on.

Better office. I need to get some furniture and improve my work environment.

Vacation! We desperately need a vacation. We’re going to Disney this year, either May or June.

Zen Vael. I will attempt to be “the person I want to be” as detailed last year. My soft goal for this is March 15th, as I set last year. I will undoubtedly fail that date. There is no way I’m wrangling my sleep and attitude in the next two months, but surely by the end of the year?

Thanks for reading.

Vael

#annual review

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monochromaticinsignias · 5 years

Text

Park Jimin | Your, My

Full Title : Your Last Dream, My Last Dance

Sub / Other Title : Dreams, Dance, and Wedding Rings

Bestfriends au

Non idol au

Words : 12k

A/N : I am SO sorry for the lack of updates! ;_; This one is longer than what I usually write, so I hope this makes up for my absence? Have a shit ton of angst, luv.

Ps. By far the longest I’ve written?

Summary : The two of you were at a rocky path, it's just not how it used to be--as best friends, not when he completely misunderstood you. Not when all you did was to keep him away from pain. You'd do anything to keep your best friend happy, even going as far as to let go of your only wish for his sake.

Sub - plot : You love ‘him’, you really did. So when ‘he’ left, you can’t help but question yourself; “what if I told him?”

Your Last Dream, My Last Dance | ft. Jungkook

The sweet sound of bells was present in that dreamy landscape, just as he himself imagined. But there was no one there atop that lone beautiful cliff with an outstanding view of the setting sun, only him, and his wife to be.

The black haired man smiles sweetly, the orange rays delicately picturing his sculptured face as his arms round the waist of the girl in front of him.

She looks beautiful in white.

The wind suddenly picks up around them, and it only increased her beauty as he held her hands in his own. As the magical sounds of the bells died down, he slips a pretty, gold ring on her finger. Smiling widely as he laughs, and scoops her up for a kiss that ended all worries, and all heartaches.

He doesn’t want to wake up, but he does.

Jungkook awakens from his sleep due to the ringing of his phone, his form held upright as he looked around for the device. It took him off guard a second later, however, when he feels a cold sensation slipping down his cheeks.

He reaches for his phone whilst swiping off .. a tear, from just under his eyes.

Why is he crying?

Shakily pressing the answer button, he nears it to his ear. About to demand why he was awakened at an ungodly hour in the early morning when the caller beats him to it.

It takes him a minute or two, but when the words finally processed in his mind, he breaks down and drops the phone.

You are Park Jimin's best friend, although many thought you two were a couple, you were not. You were his friend and he was yours, there's a fine line dividing your hearts and you two preferred it that way. You'd do anything for him, especially when his happiness is at stake. And of course it's not only him, it's also for his wife-to-be, Seolhyun.

You knew each other ever since you were both children, your parents are awfully close that your mothers even had you sleep next to each other when you were babies. There's a photo in the album that proves it. Each photo probably shows that wherever you are, Jimin is there, and wherever he is, you're there. You are technically each other's half.

You were with him and he was with you through running around playgrounds in kinder, through roleplaying in gradeschool, through puberty in highschool and to that stressful part in college that leads on to your jobs. You've known him for more than a decade.

Many assumed that since you two have been together for so long than your exes and his, it would've been impossible not to have catch up on some feelings with one another. But no matter how much they tried to push one onto the other, it just doesn't work.

You tried working it out in a date, but that ended pretty amusing. Because at the end of the day, you two came to a conclusion that it just won't work out--that you're better off as besties.

No one complained, and thus the start of your life adventures with your best friend.

That was until the two of you left the province to go to the heart of the South; Seoul, where he stumbled -literally- on a fine girl named Seolhyun. You remember standing by the side flashing him kissy faces when he kept apologizing with a red face, and stammered a whole lot before going back at your side. You figured he really liked her, so you took the initiative to get her number with your winks that practically screamed 'I'll-help-you-get-the-dude'. Which, is not quite needed since Jimin obviously has the hots for her too.

The adventures you've had with Jimin ended slowly ever since the appearance of the beautiful, kind hearted Seolhyun who trusted the two of you and is fine whenever you two get a bit touchy, not too much, but subtle. She knew you two were friends and that's that, but of course, a girlfriend's gotta be jealous sometimes.

So there came the first argument.

You were just sitting on one of your chairs in front of the canvas, a brush in your hand with the bristles coated in a leafy green colour. Jimin came barging in at four in the afternoon looking so drained and somewhat guilty. He clasped his hand around your wrist, taking you by surprise.

"Jimin?" you voiced out that day, "What are you doing here? I thought you were on a date with Seo?" he flinched the second he heard her nickname. The two of you had been close, being girls and all, and somehow.. She managed to get so jealous.. To the fact that she assumed something so wrong and taboo.

"I was," Jimin mumbled, not once letting go of your wrist, but tightening it in lieu of dropping it down. "But you came up in the subject." he finished. You were much too bright to quickly pick up that the topic about you was not entirely on a positive note, but a negative one.

You chuckled, "Ah, did she spoke of our sleepover? I told her not to te--"

"You need to stay away from us." The words he said processed slowly in your brain, your smile ever so slowly giving way for a frown.

"W.. What?"

He sighed.

"We can't hang out that much anymore. I.. I have Seolhyun, now."

You dropped the brush in shock and disappointment. Did she doubted you and your sincere feelings for Jimin as a friend? Did she not.. Trust you and him? Or was this just what she really wanted?

"Yes, you have her, so what? That doesn't mean I have to stay away from my best friend, now, right?" came your strained reply.

The ethereal looking man sighed, his fingers running across his hair in exasperation.

You were always so stubborn, you wouldn't back down.

"She thinks we're having an affair behind her back, [Y/n]. I can't let her think like that." he said in defeat, an utterly lost look in his eyes. Minutes ago, he's in a conflict because he didn't know whether to go by his lover's wish or keep the friendship he had for more than two decades.

It was her or you.

"But we're not!" you exclaimed, splattering the rest of the paint accidentally on the ground due to your unexpected outburst. "How can she think like that? She knows you're loyal to her and her alone! Why is--"

"Shut up! Don't speak to her that way because she has the right to think like so! She's my lover and you're my best friend! A girl, [Y/n]. It's obvious she'd be thinking that we have something going on, and I can't let that happen." You fell silent as you watched Jimin pace around the room in a worried manner.

Constant murmurs leaving his lips.

"And I can't let the love of my life go.." he whispered.

You felt bad.

You had no idea Jimin felt like this all along. He must've been torn in decisions, you knew he thinks of your well being as much as he thinks of hers, and to decide between a lover he wants for the rest of his life and a friend he's supposed to keep in touch with.. Is difficult.

So perhaps.. Maybe this time, you could help him, even if it hurts you.

Jimin is a part of your life ever since you were born, and as you know, you were his half. His platonic half, you two had a friendship unbreakable. For him to suddenly just say that you should.. Keep your distance, even with all the plausible reasons he has up in his sleeve.. Is just terrible.

But for him, you could do it.

".. Okay,"

He looked up at you with wide, beady eyes that glossed over with a sanctum of tears. He couldn't believe his ears when you agreed to his words, and somehow can't help but feel anguish at the sight of you looking so defeated.

"Y-you.." he stammered.

And to confirm his statements, you gave him a strained smile.

"I'll uh, keep my distance. I just hope that what I'm about to do will at least help you make amends with her, again.."

You were an angel brought to this world and Jimin knows it, you were so kind--too kind. He knows that maybe at some point, he's using this to his advantage, but he can't help it. When Seolhyun appeared, it seemed as if she had been the centre of his universe. With his best friend retaining the position of being the millions of stars that depicted his everyday with you.

With a mixed cry and laugh, he hugged you tightly. Repeating his thank you's all over again before parting and scurrying away with a wave of your hand.

Leaving you with an unsure heart of despair and longing.

The weeks that followed afterwards is complicated, difficult. You were so spent away, the brushes that flew over the canvas are too dull. The paintings are too simple, so bland. Your mind isn’t working properly and for some reason, everything is so grey and black and white.

You were used to your best friend’s presence.

To have him like, away for more than ten feet as much as crazy as it sounds, is rather depressing.

You were huffing as you entered an art shop, you were a usual there so you knew where is what. Taking a basket, you subconsciously trudged through the aisles and greeted whenever an employee you know greets you.

You took more brushes, more paint, and pencils and sketchpads. One can never get too much pencils when it comes to art.

You weren’t looking in front of you as you made your way towards the cashier, yawning to yourself as you began imagining what you might paint later.

Or maybe you could just go to the park--

Completely taken off guard, a body slams into you quite literally, something landing on your foot so badly that it caused you to grasp onto your basket for dear life as you stumbled backwards. Luckily enough that you didn’t fall, but half your side did hurt like hell. And your [c] Timbs are now dirty!

“Oh, oh crap. I am so sorry, I swear I--”

A bit infuriated yet calm, you look up, only to see a man your age. He was taller for sure, and his black hair is slightly swept to side, he’s garbed in a black tee and pants--and Timberlands.. !?

Oh, an eye catcher, this dude is. If only he didn’t ram into you.

You noticed he has not completed his sentence, and is instead staring at you in what seems to be awe. You scrunch your nose lightly.

“Yeah, well, sorry, too. Now I must be on my way and wash my boots--”

That seemed to perk his head up, because you were not even far away when his hand grasps your wrist. His heavenly voice ringing out.

“Wait! I uh, I’ll pay for you,” this caught you off guard.

Looking at him over your shoulder, you blink.

Ah, he’s cute..

His cheeks went pink.

Immediately realizing what just happened because you, apparently, had just said that out loud, you jump backwards. But his grip was firm, thus causing him to topple forward as well, only decreasing the space between you.

And if his cheeks were pink before, they were flaming now.

“Oh-uh, I er, thank you.” he swiftly takes the basket from you and speed walks to the cashier, giving you no choice -even if you scream- but to follow the heavenly bunny like stranger.

Along the way, you couldn’t help but notice you’re a bit livelier now. A smile decorating your lips as you stand behind him, watching as he paid for your things, including his as well; which seemed to be a bunch of photo papers and a scrapbook.

“You really shouldn’t have bought me these.” you mention as he held the door open for you as the two of you made your exit from the shop.

A boyish chuckle erupts from beside you.

“Nah, it’s the least I could do. I’m Jungkook by the way,” he introduces himself.

You find yourself smiling, looking at him, only to find him already doing the same to you.

“I’m [Y/n].”

Seeing as it was quite the evening, Jungkook walked you back home. And you found out he’s actually quite near to your house, his being only like, a block away from yours.

You were smiling the entire time you entered your abode, laying down the bag of stuff he had bought for you due to that accident. You began to put them out of the bag one by one, checking if you got all necessities when your fingers grasped a torn piece of paper.

Puckering your lower lip out in thought, you pull it out, only causing your cheeks to redden in the subtlest way possible.

09 - XXX - XXXX

Jungkook

You went to bed that night peacefully, you enjoyed that day. Meeting Jungkook was a great way to actually get rid of Jimin in your head for a while, you had nothing more to worry about. At least, not when your best friend’s about to be married to the love of his life.

The next day, as promised in the tiny scrap of paper in your bag told, you received a call with the exact numbers written on it.

“Helloooo~” you giggle as soon as you heard him drawling out the last syllable of that simple word, you can basically see his contagious smile over the phone.

Setting down your cup of coffee, you leaaned against the counter, smiling.

“Good morning, Jungkook.”

A muffled laugh was heard from the other line, a masculine voice, actually, so you figured he wasn’t alone. Still smiling, you let them bicker, until--

“Hi! I’m Hoseok--”

“Hyung, gimme back my phone!!”

“--Guk really finds you easy to talk to and says you’re pretty, so can I ask you out on a date?”

“H-Hyung!? You traitor!”

Another laugh and some occasional tumbles and thuds erupted from the other end, and you remained silent until you could process the words the man named Hoseok had told you.

You have never been called pretty, not even by your exes--which is a stupid thing for them not to say, actually. Jimin’s definition of calling you ‘pretty’ is similar to how he says ‘you look cool’ and that’s it. So you could explain why your heart is beating so unnaturally fast right now.

Unaware of the escalating screams on the call, you were only taken back into place when you heard the familiar sound of a door slamming shut, and the sound of a body hitting a mattress.

“Sorry, my friend is a bit of a blabbermouth.”

You bit your lower lip, anticipating the events that will probably come after.

“Oh, that’s fine. Reminds me of Jimin, really.”

You weren’t even able to process what you said until you said it out loud.

For fuck’s sake, why did you have to mention his name right now?

The other end was silent for a tiny bit, and you nearly sighed in disappointment to yourself, thinking he had already hung up.

But then.

“Oh, you have a boyfriend?” he sounded a little down.

You jumped at your place, “Best friend! He’s my best friend, actually..” you drawl out a nervous laugh afterward because you sounded quite desperate to your liking.

As if your lucky day -which it is- , Jungkook laughs.

“Great~ So does this mean I can take you out later?”

No words escaped your mouth, you stood there dumbfounded in your dining area, a stupid grin decorating your red face.

“R-really?”

He snorts, “Yeah, really. Why not? I really want to get to know you--a-and maybe even more, if you don’t mind..” he grows embarrassed at the later parts of his sentence, his voice growing meeker with each passing second.

This was just a man who you had bumped into at an art store, and yet your heart seemed to agree with the chances of meeting up with him again.

So with a doubled grin, you chuckled.

“I don’t mind.”

True to his word, as soon as it struck ten, he was already at your door. You had dressed up well but not too much. Casual yet fancy along with your favorite pair of Timbs to go.

You knew you made the right choice when he flashed a certain glimmer in his eyes when he took notice of your boots.

“I noticed you wearing a different pair last night but I didn’t expect you to like them as much as I do.” your smile widens when you realized he was wearing the exact pair. No words were exchanged when he raised his arm for you to take, you only held it with a sweet lopsided grin, and stepped off your door.

You had lunch at a place in between fancy and normal, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. You thought he’d actually be the guy who usually takes out their dates to movies and such and spoils them of stuff, but Jungkook actually took you to the amusement park. Where he, by the way, murdered your soul after three continuous roller coaster rides.

He didn’t stop there. He made you go on all dangerous rides and even went laser tagging, which you beat him at, much to his surprise.

Your day was filled with laughter and bliss as the day eased slowly into night, you were more than two hours in the amusement park that you actually lost track of the time.

You were only reminded by it when you were eating your cotton candy and laughing at a humiliating story of Jungkook, when your phone vibrated in the pockets of your jeans--indicating a message.

Excusing yourself, you took it out only to view the all too familiar name of your best friend.

‘Where are you? You’re not home, it’s our movie night! :(’

It read. And for a moment, you felt a tad bit guilty for forgetting that it was indeed your movie night. It was a Friday! But how could you remember it when he skipped the last three in a row?

Sighing in exasperation, you tucked the device back in your pocket and faced Jungkook -who looked concern- with a strained smile.

“Sorry, it was Jimin.”

He bobs his head, fringe bouncing as he took half of the cotton candy in his mouth. Working wonders as he downed it as if it was a tiny candy.

“Best friend problems?” he casts you a glance, enough for him to see your twitching eye. Your knuckles were white and your cheeks were flushed red in what seems to be annoyance as you nodded in reply.

“Care to tell me?” he tips it off with a little grin, his pearly bunny white like teeth showing--you couldn’t resist smiling back. “He has a.. what you can call a serious relationship right now, he seems to really like her--a-and we’re friends, too. Me and the girl. But as of now, she’s ticked off with the fact that Jimin and I are still close when he already has her. Now he’s not hanging out that much anymore with me, and I didn’t know he’d be dropping by to watch movies tonight because he skipped the last three Fridays!” you ended with a large intake of air, unable to believe that you were able to finish that in a single breath.

Jungkook looks pretty baffled, obviously not expecting the entire story.

You take a glance, expecting a face of discomfort, or anything that will give way of his sudden dislike, but there was none. If anything, there’s only understanding and a soft smile.

“Hey, don’t worry ‘bout him. If he already has someone, then it shouldn’t bother you at all. Everyone’s bound to fall in love, right?” there’s a peculiar shimmer in his eyes when he said that that made your heart skip a beat.

Although you knew him just a day ago, you couldn’t help but feel like you knew him forever. It’s probably just you liking him a teeny, wee bit, though.

So you ignored the constant vibrating of your phone and locked eyes with the handsome man in front of you.

It was ten in the evening when the two of you stumbled back to the front of your door, still laughing at each other’s corny jokes and humiliating stories.

He bids you a good night, even going far like kissing the back of your hand in either pure sincerity or mockery. Either way, it made your cheeks pink.

Jungkook waves goodbye to you before hopping on his motorbike and riding off.

With a stupid grin on your lips, you entered the confines of your abode, only to freeze when you spotted Jimin standing just at the entrance way to the living room. A remote in his hand and his phone in the other. By the silence, you can hear the familiar dialogue of “The Fault in Our Stars” playing, a tear-jerking movie you watched with him and laugh about stupid stuff in the end.

“.. Hi.” you greeted him after taking off your boots.

Jimin looked ready to explode, his face already similar to a ripened tomato.

“Hi?! Are you insane!? It’s this late and you arrived just now—and who was that guy I heard from outside?!” he bellowed, throwing his hands up in the air in distaste.

You made sure that he can see the roll of your eyes, wanting to present that he wasn’t only the one at fault here.

You walked past him, bumping his shoulder with your own.

“Yeah, say that to the guy who ignored me for weeks on end, skipped promised movie nights, and has the ego to come here and be angry at me.” you spat, plopping back on the couch as you switched to a different movie. You don’t feel like watching the usual.

Judging by the silence, you knew Jimin’s face had softened and his anger died down.

Good.

He should at least know he’s partially at fault, as well.

You said nothing when he sits on the other end of the couch, but you can feel his stare digging at the side of your face, eager to look for attention or any sort of reaction he’d get from his silence.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

You snorted loudly in mockery.

“I meant that!” he shouts, and you find yourself shrinking and being annoyed all over again. You didn’t know why you were acting like this. It’s not like you’re his lover or anything, you were just a best friend.

Jimin crosses his arms, facing the other way with a glare.

“Why the heck are you being like this anyway?” he mumbles discreetly.

You didn’t know yourself, but you had a hunch as to why.

You were so attached to Jimin that you were scared of letting go of him, your best friend, whisked away by his lover and you’d be left alone. You had no right to keep him to yourself, not when you know you aren’t the one making him happy. You were just a best friend, that title meant the world, but you still couldn’t help but want him around.

“I’m sorry, too. I know you were just worried.”

But that doesn’t change the fact that he ignored you as if you were nothing.

The voice plagued your mind, and you know that much that it’s true.

It doesn’t change the truth that he can neglect you because he has Seolhyun, now.

At your eigth date with Jungkook, he had taken you to watch movies. The cinema was quite packed, in fact, and the two of you had just bought your tickets and popcorn and are preparing to go inside the theater while sharing another one of your jokes.

You were too busy laughing at him demonstrating an embarrassing move he once did at high school to bother apologizing properly to someone you had bumped into.

But before you could take a step further, his voice spoke amidst the crowd.

Evidently freezing you in place.

“[Y/n]? Is that you?”

You could feel your heart thundering as you were turned to face him, eyes going wide at the sight of his hand holding another. Seolhyun, who was glaring at you for some reason.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Jungkook.

You figured the aforementioned man in your thoughts took his place beside you, with Jimin’s face contorting into that of confusion. His free hand on your shoulder withdrawing itself rapidly.

“Who’s this?” he emphasizes his tone, eyes narrowing and hand tightening around Seolhyun’s, the latter squealing in pain.

You gulp.

But why should you be nervous?

“Jungkook, this is Jimin, my best friend. Jimin, this is Jungkook, my..” you drifted off almost immediately upon realizing the fact that you and him aren’t under any labels of sorts. Your silence was slowly irking your best friend, his foot tapping in impatience.

Say he’s a colleague or something--

“Boyfriend.” Jungkook spoke up after assuming that your voice had gone.

You went frigid, colors draining from your face.

Did he just!?

There was a look of disappointment.. or hurt, that flashed over Jimin’s face. You didn’t know why, and why he had the audacity to feel so, but he seemed enraged all of a sudden.

“We’ll talk, later.” he hisses at you, whisking Seolhyun away to the busy crowd in lieu of properly saying farewell.

Jungkook turns you back to the place towards the cinema, huffing out his irritation, not realizing his draped arm on your shoulders.

“That guy’s your best friend? Pfft. Seems like he has issues.” you couldn’t resist the smile covering your lips at his words, foolishly chuckling along with him.

Until.

“Wait, what’s the deal with you saying you’re my boyfriend, huh?!” you slammed a fist on his chest, Jungkook, laughing at your attempted attack. He didn’t even budge. Rolling his shoulder, he winks your way.

“What. I was going to ask you if you’d be my girlfriend, either way.”

“W-what!?” Redness overcame the entirety of your face, your fingers twitching as the man before you placed a surprising kiss at your left cheek. Chuckling at the warmness of your face.

Lacing his hand in yours, he pulls you to the cinema. And for that moment, your worries were briefly removed.

When Jungkook dropped you off your house as his ‘official girlfriend’ and had parted ways for the night, you wore a smile on your face.

You have completely forgotten what you were supposed to expect the second you came to the living room. There, Jimin was waiting, like he did when you ignored him. But he didn’t look too happy. No, he was mad.

“Care to spill why you never told me of this?” he demands, stopping in front of you with a glare that sent shivers up and down your spine.

You licked your lips in thought, crossing your arms.

“It didn’t matter to you, you have Seolhyun now, remember?” you reminded him, reminded him of the same words he used on you.

Steam blew from his ears as his cheeks reddened in what seems to be annoyance.

“I thought we’re through with this? Are you jealous right now? This argument ended months ago. I have Seolhyun for more than two years!”

You faced him back, a glare in your face as you snorted.

"That doesn't change the fact that you pushed me away every single time, your best friend you were supposed to hang out with, as well!"

Jimin's anger reduces lightly, but it wasn't removed completely.

"That—"

"I waited for you, Jimin. I waited but no! What would make you drop your girlfriend so easily for your best friend, anyway?" you looked away, feeling the tears brim your eyes.

Silence took over the room, but you were a hundred percent sure the tension is lingering somewhere.

You wanted to take back what you said, knowing it will make the situation worse, but you couldn't. It felt right stating what you were feeling, how unfair it was of him to just think of.. of her.

".. Nothing,"

Your ears perked up, and you glimpsed back.

"What?"

Jimin looked appalled, his eyes searching everywhere but yours. As if dancing from one place to another.

Finally, after what seems to be an eternity, he looks at you. Certainty playing right through his shining eyes of ebony. There's this unsettling sentiment creeping into you—almost as if warning you that something bad's about to happen.

"You're right. Nothing would make me drop her for you."

Your fingers twitched in response, eyes growing astonishingly wide at his wordings. Did he just flat out degraded you? Worse, think that you're not even needed in his life, anymore?

"Yeah, why should I care about that boyfriend of yours, huh? You live your own life, and I live mine. It's not either of our obligations to know what happens to who." Jimin was ranting right now, eyes rolling in infuriation as he turned his back on you and without hesitance, started walking away with a huff.

Not wanting to feel inferior to him, you cursed aloud.

"Fuck you, Park Jimin—I hate you for doing this to me!"

That made him stop in his movements. Taking in a minute to process the words you blurted behind him. And when he did, he was certain that the clenching of his heart was evident that very instant.

With tight fists at his side, he strolled away, mumbling a sentence you managed to hear.

"I hate you all the more."

A gasp leaves your lips the very minute he walked out of your door, and possibly even your life. You never took Jimin to torment you with a deadly choice of terms in his vocabulary as a rebuttal, but he did, and it hurt.

It hurt badly.

You didn't know what went wrong, nor when the tears started slipping away from within the confines of your eyes, all there was is pain, agony, and regret. You could've handled the situation better than bursting out like that. If you did.. would the situation have changed?

Either way, you were on the floor, a blank look casting over your face as his words went on loop in your mind. Repeating itself to abuse your faulty entity all over again.

"[Y/nnnnn]~!"

You slammed the locker door shut, not fazed at all even when Jimin was already present from behind the once opened locker door.

Facing him with a childish grin, you seemed to have an inkling feeling as to why he's looking so giddy at 8 am on the first day of high school.

"Good morning, Chim. How's summer?" you grinned in a toothy fashion.

The playful nudging of his sent you laughing, thus causing him to roll his eyes with a reverberating chuckle.

"Shut up, we spent summer together. Enough of that, though! We have all our classes together!! Ain't that great!?" he squealed, jumping in his place with two sheets of paper -which were already crumbling by the way- in his hands. His actions, of course, drew attention. To which you slammed a hand on his mouth to prevent him from squealing all the more.

You give him an eye smile, taking his hand in yours as you tugged him along the crowding hallway.

"Yeah, yeah, that's great if we don't wanna be late for uh.. Pre-Calculus."

That seemed to bring forth his focus.

"Oh! Shit, [Y/n]—we're gonna be late!"

The remains of the laughter that bubbled from your throat went free, unable to actually say that it's what you had just mentioned a while ago and just let him drag you along.

"[Y/nnnn].. [Y/nnnnnnnnn]."

You heard the distinct sound of your best friend calling your name softly from the other side of the room. There were a few, choked sobs according to your hearing, and maybe even hiccups. But you didn't know why.

"Jimin?" you mumbled silently, still drowsy at the fact that you were awakened at whatever time it was in the early morning, but still, Jimin's a priority right now. He rarely cries.

So with the continuous soft whimpers you're still hearing, you slipped off the soft mattress and wore your bunny slippers. Rubbing your eye with a fist, you yawned, walking out in the hallway and not wasting a precious second to go inside Jimin's.

He was sleeping over since his parents are out on a business trip, and since he was practically like a second child to your own family, he was given a place to stay as long as he likes.

Back on the matter at hand, you closed the door behind you as you stared at the figure beneath the bundle of thrown covers with pillows surrounding it as if it's his territory.

You walked closer.

"Jiminie,"

The figure stopped shaking.

A mop of black hair peeped out from within the cover, then came the doe eyes that you've come to see every day. They were red and sore, however.

He sniffled.

"What's wrong? Nightmares gotcha?" you asked, sitting beside him on the bed with open eyes. Wanting to help him even at the deadly hour of the morning.

Jimin sits upright, the duvet falling onto his shoulders as he sniffs.

"You died."

You blinked in surprise.

His lower lip trembled.

"W-we were already in our twenties and we got into a fight, t-t-then all of a sudden you just.. I couldn't get to you because I d-didn't know and—"

He cut himself right off, professedly unable to continue that nightmare as he shook in his place.

".. And I was all alone."

His tears were once again falling like a waterfall as he sobbed into a pillow.

You were a loss for words. How did Jimin, a fourteen-year-old, cry over a nightmare like this?

Simple, it only meant he valued you so much that he'd cry about you.

Giggling, you began rubbing his back in order to calm him down. Under your touch, you could feel him easing up, his shaky sobs lessening until it turned into tiny sniffles.

"That's funny. You know I'm with you through all of this, right? I wouldn't be leaving you anytime soon! I won't be the best man if I died young~" you teased, pushing him playfully to get a reaction.

And you did.

A small laugh that became chortles, before he was full on smiling at you as if he hasn't had that nightmare from only mere minutes ago.

He appreciated you so much for being there for him.

"Thank you, [Y/nie]."

For being his best friend.

"Anytime."

To say that you were devastated by your best friend's departure from your home - and most likely your life - would be a total understatement. He meant so much to the point that you worried and fussed over him when he's not even your lover.

You didn't even care if he doesn't think of how you're doing like you do to him. All that matters is knowing if he is alright.

It had actually been another good four months without his contact, and you didn't think you could go on for such a long time. But that's all thanks to Jungkook, your own lover who held you upright the entire time.

He's been acting kinda off for a while now, though.

Ever since your latest argument with him concerning about Jimin—then again, all of your arguments are about the latter, he started being weird.

A morning after a week of not speaking with Jungkook, you felt odd.

You had awoken on the same side of the bed as usual and did your morning routine, but decided to skip a day of work with the permission of your boss because you felt peculiar that day.

So, you busied yourself around the house. Dusting off the countertops, doing the laundry, jamming to music, baking random goods, and reading a bunch of books that came from the shelves.

It was ten in the morning when it happened.

At first, you didn't mind it. It was just a headache, it can be done by anything, right? Maybe you really tired yourself out, or maybe it's the migraines kicking in. You have been staying up late for weeks on end.

But when it started to worsen; your vision blurring, your chest aching, and nose trickled down your nose, was when you started to be concerned.

All of a sudden, the world was spinning around and there was this sound of a flatline ringing in your ears sharply as if it was meant to slice your eardrums. Your head was being hammered and then your body was hot all over like you were sunk into a pool of lava and is entirely coated by an array of blue and red flames. Each step you took felt as if you are stepping on burning embers and sharp knives.

Everything stung.

As you swayed for your phone in order to call for help, your body gave in to the unexpected pain you were going through. Your knees collided with the ground, and your upper body followed right after. You landed on the carpeted floorings of your house, wheezing for air as your eyes rolled to the back of your head. Shakily muttering his name, but getting no obvious help, you were caved in by the darkness.

"I can't wait,"

Seolhyun smiles sweetly as she coils her arms around her husband to be's shoulders. Looking at what he was doing as she stood behind him.

Atop the table laid out envelopes in peach coloring. Tiny roses designed around the corners of the cover with the initials of his name and his bride calligraphed beautifully on the front with gold ink.

Seolhyun kisses the crown of his head, "Thank you for making my dream a reality." with that said, she untangles her arms and walks off to do other necessities for their upcoming grand memory.

Jimin is silent as he brought one envelope to the air, a longing sigh leaving his lips as he turned it over and read the name to whom it's intended for.

[Y/n] [L/n] ,

~ You are hereby invited to the wedding of Song Seolhyun & Park Jimin ~

He had done the invitations himself, wanting to convey his feelings for everyone they plan to invite. Every heartfelt letter was done by him, so he hopes that those who received the invitation would be grateful.

Jimin glances to the parchment on the table at the side, it contained nothing but his handwritten note towards his best friend. The girl he had a fight with over a month ago and had just honestly remembered her when Seolhyun asked if they'll invite her as well.

He felt like crap when he did remember.

He knew that they fought badly and had left her house in grave terms, but it was not an excuse to forget her that easily just because of his upcoming wedding. No matter how busy he was.

Sighing, Jimin tucks in the parchment in the designated envelope before sealing it shut. He held it in his hands for a good minute, heart clenching.

She'll forgive him, right?

He tightens his hold on it.

She'll come by to his wedding.

He sets it down and stands up with a hopeful smile.

He's sure of it.

The soft sound of a beeping monitor overlapped your sense of hearing. Gently as it began, the black void suffocating you blended in with pretty colours. Slowly morphing into white nothingness.

Or so you thought.

The first thing you saw the second your eyes adapted to your environment are the white walls and [c] curtains at the side. It was fairly cold in the room, and the beeping sound of the monitor seemed close than what you actually thought.

It came to you that you are in a hospital bed, wires attached mostly to your arm. No doubt analyzing your pulse and your heart rate.

You breathed in, then out.

Who brought you here?

As if your questions were answered, the door to your room opens up, only for a doctor to come inside with a clipboard in his hands. When he spots you awake and sitting, a solemn look comes across his face.

"How are you feeling, [Y/n]? I'm Namjoon, your assigned doctor."

You nod your head to his statement, serving as a greeting. You cleared your throat and replied that you're fine now than before, soon asking about how you got to the hospital in the first place.

Namjoon blinks, saying that a neighbor had come to your house because you were not answering the phone when you were called. And had come across to your unconscious form on the ground.

You sighed in relief, unaware of the heartbreaking news that will come upon you a minute away.

The doctor sits beside you, handing you his clipboard in silence. Not completely trusting his voice, fearing it may crack at the depressing discovery in store for you.

Unsure why he had gone soundless, you lowered your gaze to the bold words written in the paper.

You look back up, only for him to frown at you.

"I'm sorry."

You walked down the sidewalk with a blank expression on your face, a bunch of papers clutched in your hand as you trudged your way to the front porch of your house. Stopping by the mailbox when you saw a part of a letter sticking out.

Humming absentmindedly and without a care in the situation, you slipped it off the mailbox. Your eyes immediately brimmed with tears the second you realized what kind of letter it was.

You bit your lip as you raced for the door, barging inside and shutting it close with the softest force. You raked a hand through your hair in hopelessness, wondering what you did to have such a consequence.

Taking off your shoes, you proceeded to the living room, planning on just shutting the blinds and bask in the darkness whilst rethinking your entire life. But you were halted in place when you spotted a hunched figure sitting on the couch.

He looks up.

Your lower lip trembled.

"Jungkook.."

There was a look of forlorn dancing within his eyes as he stands up, whispering your name and towering over your slightly shaking stature.

You didn't speak, you waited for him to utter something—anything—but maybe that's where you've gone wrong.

Maybe you should've said something first.

He sighs, worriedly looking at the floor as if it suddenly enraptured his senses.

"Listen, I don't think this," he points at you and him, "Is working out." he finishes with an exhale.

From that moment on, you felt your life draining out.

Were your ears deceiving you?

But you know they're not. Jungkook himself said so. You were not dreaming, you were living reality. And he had just broken up with you.

"What? But we're doing fine!" you argued, suddenly clutching the papers close to you. Feeling inferior at the fact that Jungkook doesn't seem disturbed at all by what you said.

He shrugs simply.

"I don't think so, [Y/n]," there was disdain all over his voice. "Every time we talk, it's about us—then it drifts over to Jimin."

The gears in your head began turning.

"It's always Jimin. I get that he's your best friend and you fought with him, but for fuck's sake, [Y/n]."

You began to understand what drove him to his breaking point.

But the second you looked up at him in fear, in hope of correcting what you've done wrong. One look at his determined face, you knew you were too late.

It was obvious that he was trying his best not to let the anger get the best of him, but it was showing off in his diction and the tone of his words. His balled up fists at his side showed up as a shred of evidence, too. He was just attempting to be calm so he wouldn't blow up.

Probably as his last act of tolerating your behavior.

"Was I not enough for you? I thought I helped you overcome the fact that Jimin is no longer your best friend?" he presses on, taking a step closer to you. "Are you still living a lie? Or maybe it's him that you love, after all."

Your eyes widened, and immediately butted back.

"That's not true. I love you, Jungkook!"

But that's all you could say.

He narrows his eyes, not once interested in what you had to add.

"Doesn't seem like it. Goodbye, [Y/n]." he walked away, brushing your shoulder over as he made his way to the front door.

Your heartbeat was pounding so loudly in your ears as you spun around, a desperate look in your face as your knees buckled.

This can't be happening!

The tears that once lined your eyes came back up along with the heavyweight against your chest, suffocating you and dragging you down to that inescapable abyss of guilt.

"Wait!"

Jungkook stops.

For that moment, there's this single thought running in his mind. Something that made him halt and wait. There was just.. something that glued him to his place, as if warning him that if he walked out, he would be regretting that decision.

He waits.

And thinks, that if you said anything, if you could just.. say something for him to stay. He will. He wanted to hear you say that you need him with you, just something along those lines and he'll stay.

But your voice was gone.

You stood there, grasping a bunch of papers that told your remaining chapters. Your life was on those papers, your heart was in the brink of shattering—but you couldn't say anything.

You didn't know how.

"I.."

You couldn't tell him.

And that made him walk away.

Just like Jimin did.

"When my wedding day comes, I want you to be my best woman."

You choked on your milkshake, eyeing your insane friend who sat smiling as if it's normal. He actually appears serious.

"I'm not a man, pabo. Can't do that I guess." you laughed in between slurps as you swung your legs back and forth from your seat on the swing.

Jimin was already whining by the time you finished your sentence, already knowing beforehand that you'll counter whatever he plans on saying.

"Then you'd be the first one to ever do it—I need my best bud giving me the rings. I'll lose them myself because I'm an idiot and I don't want my future wife to think that I—"

"You're blabbering.."

"Right! Sorry." Jimin miraculously stays silent, deciding on entertaining himself by playing with the bendy straw that poked out of the cup of his frappe.

The two of you swung with little to no sound, only kicking each other's legs in a playful manner in lieu of words.

".. I'm serious about it, though."

You hummed at his murmurs, glancing at how he looks quite determined and demanding.

"About what.. ?" you mumbled.

His radiant smile reaches his ears.

"We'll attend each other's wedding!"

For Jimin. For him, you thought to yourself.

You held the pretty little invitation in between your fingers, showcasing it to a perplexed looking Jimin who sat.

You texted him to meet you at the local café because you have to tell him something. He probably thought that you'd make up for the better, but who said you were doing that?

It hurt you to see that the smile on his face vanished as soon as he saw you throw the invitation in front of him.

"I won't attend your wedding."

You managed to say, not believing that you said that without an ounce of wobble in your voice. But still, inwardly, you were tearing yourself apart.

Jimin gulps, a silent look of rage playing before his face before softening.

He stands up and clutches the envelope in his grip. He didn't question why you wouldn't attend, and you were thankful for that—but he pushed the card into your hand, either way. And that was what hurt the most.

You could see the hope flickering in his raging eyes but soft visage.

You were a loss for words as he held your hands in his, your heart was already trying to jump out of your chest at what he was doing. You could practically see him clinging onto you, pleading.

"Take it, and if you decided.. to change your mind." he drifts off, and you snarl, whisking your hand away rather harshly.

It triggered a reaction, a pained gasp leaving him as he watched you glare at him with intensifying venom before you spun around and left him there.

The last sight you've had of him before you broke down yourself with the invitation crumpled in your hand, was a devastated Jimin.

The piano medley is already playing in the church, a few ways besides the altar, where he can truly hear the same tune softly bounding in his ears.

The bride—his wife-to-be, is still hiding behind those two doors.

So as the flower girls came walking down the aisle, he took his chance to scout the room with his sharp eyes. There are his friends standing at the sidelines, all wearing tuxedos and bright grins that showed up when his eyes flashed by them.

His family was there, Seolhyun's family was there, but—

Jimin's breath got hitched in the middle of his throat, and he clasped his hands together as his tongue darted outward to lick his lip in anxiousness, beginning to shift from foot to foot.

—There's no sign of her, [Y/n].

The girl he wanted to see at this special day, the girl he deemed his ultimate best friend, and the girl he wanted to apologize so badly to.

Even when she said she wouldn't attend, he still hoped.

The strings of the violin came into the melody, indicating the arrival of the bride. And she did. The enormous double doors opened to give way for the beautiful bride in white to walk in, stunning everyone who stood in the process.

She's beautiful, indeed, with grace as she walked forward.

He felt tears collecting in his eyes, but for not the latter reason.

No.

It was because he had his hopes up.

She promised she would attend his wedding, she promised she would stick by his side no matter what! Even when they had a huge fight that would undoubtedly crack their friendship, she said she's always come back.

Jimin smiles bitterly as Seolhyun approaches the altar, taking her hand in his as they faced the altar.

His last act of reconciling with you, down the drain.

—Why would you do this?

He breathes in and out as the priest began.

—I really.. really hate you, [Y/n]

If you could curse fate for doing this to you—or anything that controls humans' life, you will.

What did you do to gain this consequence? Where have you gone wrong to be able to acquire such punishment?

Maybe because you were too bitter?

Was it because you failed to 'spread your wings' like your mother and father taught you? To enjoy the beauty of life as you grow old, and not for it to revolve around your best friend you believed would stick by your side 'till the end?

Or was it because you did pay too much attention on him, that you didn't succeed on holding on to the new, sweet addition to your life—a lover?

Maybe because you were too selfish?

Ah, you didn't know.

You really didn't know.

You wish you could've at least corrected those, at least. To remove the bad blood you've most likely caused to interfere between your friendship with Jimin, and your love with Jungkook. They were understanding, but then you were probably too self-centered to bother realizing the upcoming, inevitable end held for you.

You could almost hear the inviting echo of the church bells, resounding together with a symphony of euphoria and bliss that awaited the newly weds; your best friend.

As you laid on the white hospital bed awaiting for the end, you could only cast a sorrowful glance on your bedside table. Which has the wedding invitation that was torn in half and a dusty bunny plush toy. Each depicting two major chapters of your life; Jimin and Jungkook. Who both, in the end, left your life -to your will- without knowing the truth to your lifestyle.

You could see the disappointed, possibly angered look on your best friend's face when he noticed that you didn't attend. Wouldn't attend. Couldn't attend.

I'm sorry, Jiminie

You could perfectly imagine the look of heartbreak against your ex-lover's face when he left, you knew he loved you, but he couldn't stay. Because he thought that you were too clingy with your best friend's life, that you had fallen for him. Which is not true.

You simply couldn't balance everything in your plate.

And by the time you were realizing all of it, your life—and everything in it, was already crumbling down.

I'm sorry, Jungkookie

You could only wish that the happiness that they’re pursuing for is granted in the end. It was better that way, your death remaining to yourself without anyone knowing. Your family had gone ahead, Jungkook had left, and Jimin..

Isn’t your best friend anymore.

The mere thought of it was more than enough for your well-hidden tears to resurface, causing you the difficulty to regain an even breathing.

You could remember how Jimin first stared at you with a look of utter disappointment and silent rage as he processed how you said you wouldn’t attend his wedding.

You wouldn’t. Not couldn’t.

And the fact that you would not dare step into a beautiful memory in his life, as he deemed, is unforgivable. He took the invitation from you and clenched it in his fists, muttering how he even tried. He tore it in half, with his eyes teary and knuckles white. He declared, before he went away, that you were no longer his best friend. Or if you ever were one in the beginning. It was his breaking point, and somewhat your achievement. Having him turn his back on you would be easier than letting him see your current state, just like you want Jungkook to do.

.. Ah, Jungkook. Your first, true love that you took seriously, but didn’t expect to end it in such a bad note.

You’ve had it planned, how you’d break up with him, but he had gone first before you can do anything.

You were too engrossed at the fact that Jimin is getting married, and he’s upset with you, to the point wherein you nearly forgot you had Jungkook, a partner you could entrust anything to. But you were too secretive, too mysterious, that even with his burning love for you and you the same, he had to let go.

At the same place, although raining, Jungkook uttered those words you couldn’t forget. You remember how even under the umbrella, the rainfall of tears that left his eyes that meant that it was difficult for him to be with you, broke your heart.

Because you did love him, but that love wasn’t enough.

You couldn’t open up, you were too afraid.

He gave you another chance that rainy evening, asked you what’s wrong, and why you won’t say anything. But you didn’t reply.

And that led to him turning away from you for the final time.

You never saw him again.

Those two boys who played a great role in your story would forever remain in your slumber, as two figments in your memory in the blackness.

As the world around you flashed in and out of your eyes and of your grasp, you knew the sand was falling fast. You had no time left, no time to apologize even if you wanted to. No ‘I’m sorry’ for Jungkook, and no ’Congratulations’ to Jimin.

You were dying, and that was your final call.

But perhaps, in someway or another, you would be able to re-approach them again. May it be a dream, or a hallucination. You’d find your way to them as your last and final thank you, for bearing with you until the end.

That was the dying wish you embraced to your heart to the very finale, as your eyes finally closed, and the sounds of the requiem died down with you.

It had been a tiring day—his wedding day.

Even with all the mishaps and the false hope he was given, it was still a happy event to remember. His dream of being married has been accomplished, and now he's bound to set off into a new chapter of his life.

Then his thoughts lingered to someone.

Someone that brought a frown to his face even when he has his wife curling beside his arm.

He hasn't made up with you, yet.

He thinks why, thinks of all the reason why, but he couldn't.

You didn't show up, and that's it.

There's this bitterness residing in the pits of his chest, unable to accept that you were just able to drop down more than a decade long of friendship, for a silly argument like that.

With a scowl, Jimin shuts his eyes, the exhaustion tolling all over and almost immediately bringing him sleep.

The blackness morphed into something else. In fact, it was a familiar place--it was the venue for his wedding reception. His grand wedding that didn’t seem so grand and regal anymore because there’s a presence lacking.

“Jimin.”

He turns around, and his lips part gently as his eyes settled upon a woman he ended bonds with. Her pretty [c] hair fell and cascaded down her shoulders, her body covered in a pretty, gentle white dress that flew to the back of her knees.

“[Y/n]?” he whispers in bewilderment.

The girl only smiles at him.

Jimin couldn’t believe it, he’s dreaming for sure, his desperate wishes of seeing his (ex) best friend attending his wedding finally giving in to his subconscious and perfectly molding it into a dream.

When he doesn’t reply, still bitter about her not wanting to attend, the [c] haired female steps closer to him.

“I’m really sorry, you know that.”

He looks at her, conflict and confusion swimming in his orbs of charcoal. His arms were crossed as he faced her, his eyebrows furrowing in suspicion.

“Are you? I don’t think so. What kind of friend wouldn’t want to attend their best friend’s wedding?” he scoffs as he asks this, his eyes rolling back and forth.

“A scumbag,” she replies.

He tried to contain the urge to lift his lips upward. Their constant perky conversation already brewing in like it used to before.

Finally, he places his whole attention on her.

“Why didn’t you attend my wedding, [Y/n]? Where did it go wrong? When did we grew so far apart?” Jimin asks, his voice breaking as he once more, attempted to conceal the water behind his eyes. The girl before him is a sore topic, for she already had a place in his heart as a friend he could count anytime, and they just.. parted off like what they blossomed together; their friendship, was nothing.

The girl in front of him stayed silent, her eyes showcasing sadness, yet her lips remained sealed.

Jimin waits for a few more seconds as he searched her features for any signs of an answer, but there was none.

He sighs.

“You’re never going to tell me, are you?”

She shakes her head with a frown.

“I’m sorry, you know I am,” she leans forward and clutches both of his hands in her own. They fit together like a glove, like they were meant to be true best friends who will held joined hands together until the end.

Their bond was still not broken.

Suddenly, a soft ballad played over, surrounding them like water. It was gentle to the ears, and has a timid beat that’s enough for them to pick up on and start swaying.

“I couldn’t dance with you at your wedding, and even if I did, I’m sure as hell others would be questioning why you’re not dancing with the bride.”

To this, Jimin finally laughs, his eye smile not leaving as the two of you danced and swayed to the music. It brought so much nostalgia. Ever since childhood, she was by his side and vice versa, he even attended prom with the girl as his partner. Together they turned down anyone who practically screamed that they should be a couple, no.

They were truly best friends.

He realized that the moment the soft ballad playing was slowly fading out, and the chandelier seemed to grow dimmer, but you appear to glow.

As he stopped dancing, he looked you in the eye, his hands descending to your waist as yours moved to his shoulders. There was so much you knew he wanted to say, wanted to ask, but he silenced that with a hug.

His body was warm as he hugged you tighter.

“I miss you.” he utters.

You could only rest your head upon his chest, mumbling how much you missed him too. But this dream is only temporary, and most likely will never happen again. You know this was the last time you would ever see him.

Still encased in his hug that you would forever miss, he asks.

“Could you be my best friend, again?”

Jimin pulls away as you laugh at him, and he couldn’t stop the smile that reached his ears as your eyes twinkled.

“Of course, I’d always be your best bud.”

He couldn’t explain why your answer seemed heavy in his chest, or how there are tears that seemed to gather in his eyes with your reply. All he knew is that he’s happy, as he embraced you again with a tearful laugh.

Until the blackness comes again to take him back away.

“Forever, Jimin.”

It was early in the morning when the ringing of the phone overlapped his dreamscape. A minute later, Jimin was opening his eyes to the dim lighting of the room, and his phone that kept on vibrating and ringing on his bed side table.

Seolhyun was still sleeping soundly beside him, covers bundled over her bare shoulders.

Not wanting to wake her up, he begrudgingly takes his phone and squints his eyes at the brightness of it.

The caller ID read..

"Jungkook?" he mutters.

How did he even got his number?

Shrugging, he was about to dismiss the call when an urging feeling basically yelled at him to pick the phone.

He hesitates.

But then again, he's never the one to ignore, so he picks it up either way.

"This better be good." he immediately says as soon as he hears Jungkook's heavy breathing.

"You have to come see me right now."

That was it.

Jungkook ended the call before Jimin could even ask why, and when it ended, there was already a message that came from the younger man. An address that read his assumably current location.

Grumbling, Jimin rolls out of bed in order to dress properly. Even if it's just the casual sweatpants and a shirt under a jacket, it'd do good. He slips on his running shoes and exits the house, but not before kissing the cheek of his wife who smiled in her sleep.

With the phone in hand, he trudges the sidewalk, teeth chattering as he internally repeated curses in his head. He turns the corner, looking up at the street sign which is identical to the one in the text, and continues.

There, on a lone bench just in front of a 24 hour fast food chain, is Jungkook. His figure is lurching forward, the black hoodie pulled over to cover his face.

“What is it?” Jimin asks silently as he approached Jungkook, who was seated on a bench, his head down until his voice came cutting through the silence.

The newly wedded man looks flabbergasted upon the sight of Jungkook, whose eyes are red and swollen, looking as if he had cried terribly. Due to his fairly white complexion, he can see how there are dried stains on his cheeks.

“What happened to you?” Jimin asks breathlessly.

The younger man couldn’t decipher why the best friend appeared so casual and normal. Is he aware of what happened, even?

“You.. you didn’t know?” he questions, eyes widening slightly.

Jimin’s heart skips a beat, and almost immediately, his stomach churns.

He has a bad feeling.

When he didn’t reply, Jungkook drags a lazy hand through his black hair, trying his best not to break down yet again as he stated to the unsuspecting man.

“[Y/n].. [Y/n] has died.”

Jimin felt empty.

A blank look in his face, the gears in his mind turning and turning until it locked in place.

Died.

It couldn’t be.

He hears Jungkook shouting his name, and he only realizes by then that he had taken off running. His eyesight cloudy as he panted and ran towards the nearest cemetery he knows is in the neighborhood.

An image of his best friend, laughing with him on the swings took over his mind.

It couldn’t be.

A memory of his best friend patting his back to relieve him of his nightmares overtook his thoughts.

Not [Y/n].

Voices screaming at one another in his head, reminded him of the last and the most heated argument they’ve had.

Their last contact.

He turns left to a corner, and by just a glimpse, he saw Jungkook running after him. His pace was pretty quick.

Please..

He sees the entrance way, the arch that served as the gate of the cemetery, and his heart increased its rate. His running picked up in speed.

Tell me it’s a lie.

“That’s not true. That can’t be true.” Jimin repeats to himself as he turned corners and ran, his feet seeming to know where to lead him. Under a large tree with a clear view of the upcoming sunrise. The first rays of orange, red, and yellow, already slicing through the atmosphere.

And there, he stopped. Upon a tombstone, that had the name of his best friend carved onto the stone.

No.

His breathing became rash, his shoulders jumped, and the tears clouded his sight.

No, no, no.. !

“[Y-Y/n]..” a cry breaks out of his lips that he tried so badly to clamp shut.

His face morphs slowly into a look of denial, and his heart finally snaps apart and shattered asunder.

Jimin falls to his knees, eyes leaking with tears as he envisioned the tombstone as your usual smiling self, bidding him congratulations because his lifelong dream of being wed to the love of his life had finally come into light.

Sobbing, he shakes his head, arms reaching forward to hug the stone.

But it contained no warmth.

He only sobs even more when sudden memories came flooding his mind, no doubt causing more pain than he is in at the moment.

All those times.

All those times of you trying to talk to him, even for just a second of his time you wished to take, he would push you away. Too busy with life.

Too busy with Seolhyun.

“She died at your wedding day.”

Jungkook’s voice comes to life slowly, and that was the sole weapon that pierced his chest. Jimin detaches his arms from the stone and gives a look of vulnerability to him.

She died on his wedding day. The day she told him she 'wouldn’t’ attend.

And it only broke him even more.

Jimin whisks his head back to the tombstone, clutching the grass beneath him as he whimpers along to the sorrow in his chest.

“That’s why you didn’t want to tell m-me.. isn’t it?” he cries, “You didn’t want m-me to know. Because you’re sure I’ll call off the wedding, isn’t it?”

Jungkook looks away, his heart clenching all over again.

He promised not to cry anymore, he promised not to just a while ago.

“She told me once, that she’ll do anything to keep your happiness intact. I.. guess that covered why she didn’t want to tell you. She didn’t want to delay your wedding.”

Jimin couldn’t help but just cry, and cry, and cry. Even though he knew he should stop. Why does it hurt so much? So bad? He couldn’t feel like this, Jungkook is probably hurting even more--he was the lover.

Even so, he didn’t know that there was a possibility that he could feel something so deeper than the word ‘hurt’ can explain. He’s beyond it. Jimin couldn’t accept the fact that he had failed to notice that his best friend was hurting--that she was dying even. And he had the audacity to even push her away even farther.

It sickened him.

“I’m sorry..” Jimin covers his face with his hands, feeling shameful to even kneel before her grave with everything that he had done wrong.

[Y/n] had done everything for him, why couldn’t he have done the same?

He couldn’t even say sorry.

That was the word that circled his conflicted mind as he cried his anguish out to the person that will never return to his side, his sobs followed by another as he kept repeating that mere, one syllable word.

Why.

“I’m sorry, [Y/n], I’m sorry..”

Jungkook merely averts his gaze and tries his best to block his hearing, but it seems impossible. Not when his heart is just as broken--probably even more, than the man on his knees.

The dream that he had, specifically when he had slipped on the ring on your finger and kissed you, claiming that you are his alone, broke him completely.

Knowing that it couldn’t and would never happen because he left you, he was the one who broke up with you. The truth that he could never have you as his bride, shattered him.

And was the final strike for Jungkook, who, as same Jimin, could not grasp why he never noticed. Noticed your frown, your pleading eyes, and frail actions that ultimately gave away your suffering. Your condition. His reason of breaking up appeared solid and stable, you were too mysterious, but his reason isn’t good enough.

You were scared, you were terrified. The courage you had that made you seal your lips in order not to spill, in order for them not to worry about you, until you were alone on your death bed, was exceptional.

He wasn’t even there at your side when you left the world.

He couldn’t kiss you anymore, he wouldn’t be able to see you anymore, nor grasp your fingers and hands in his own.

You could never be his again.

The truth of it all made Jungkook weep silently, his tears betraying his promise as the image of you in a wedding dress burnt itself into ashes.

He was too late.

He couldn’t even tell you how much he loves you.

Jimin slams his fist on the wall, crying loudly as he pounds his back hardly against it, only to slide down to the floor in despair with a loud, desperate cry.

After his mutual exchange of tears with Jungkook at the cemetery, he had ran over to the house you were living at. Surprised at the fact that it still belonged to you, and came to the conclusion that your parents wanted to keep it as a complete memory of their beloved daughter.

His eyes searched your room, clean and neat, as you would leave it.

Only, you were in it no longer.

One look in your room and he had begun crying all over again, bringing his knees to his chest as he sobbed your name out loud.

“C-come back.. !” he traces your cheek in the photo, having taken it out of the frame, only for his tears to rain down upon it.

His grip on it trembled as did his lips, whimper leaving after whimper.

“I’m sorry, [Y/n]—I’m so sorry, please!” he started hugging it to his chest, desperately imagining it was you in his arms. Be it when you’re alive, or even when you just died, he didn’t care.

He just wanted to hold you.

Jimin’s stature shook as he cried, so terribly filled with anguish he didn’t know what to do anymore but to cry for you to come back.

“Jiminie,”

The ghost of a gasp leaves his lips as his head whisks upward to the voice.

Your voice.

There you were, sitting atop your bed as usual, eyes glossing over his in concern.

"What's wrong? Nightmares gotcha?" he resisted the urge to bawl right there, hearing you ask him if he’s okay, if he needs anything, it broke him apart.

He shook his head, eyes brimming with the residue of his tears.

"You died. I couldn’t get to you because I didn’t know a-and—"

You were silent.

“.. And now I’ll be alone.” Jimin’s voice cracks.

I don’t want that.

“You know I'm with you through all of this, right? I’ll be here,”

He shakes his head, still crying, because he knows.

I don’t want to be alone—don’t leave me alone.

He knows this was only his mind playing tricks on him. But even still, he clung onto this delusion, because he isn’t—and will never be ready to let you go.

“I love you, Jiminie. I hope you remember that.”

How long has it been.. when was the last time you expressed your love for him as his best friend?

I can’t do this without you.

His heart twists, and his grip on the photo hardens considerably.

He glances back at you.

“I—..”

But you were gone.

Why did you have to leave me?

Jimin’s heart falls apart.

The pain and the agony entered once more as his gaze descends to your smiling face on the photo, his thumb going across your cheeks.

He would never be able to hug you ever again.

He wouldn’t have someone to turn to when he’s at his lowest point, anymore.

Jimin’s tears landed once more, a soft, broken cry leaving him as he held the photo close to his chest.

“.. I love you too, [Y/nie].”

Masterlist

Oh well ._. Sorry for the long wait!

#bts #bts jimin #bts park jimin #bts scenario #bts angst #bts angst scenario #bts imagine #bts angst imagine #park jimin #jimin #park jimin angst #jimin angst #park jimin fluff #jimin fluff #angst #fluff

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oceansborn-blog · 5 years

Text

intros: next gen verse, pt. 1

ALICE LONGBOTTOM: seventh year, hufflepuff, head student, halfblood, cis female, she/ her. fc: milena tscharntke. pinterest.

Mum Friend™

alice is like... very nurturing, honestly. she likes to be there for people and take care of them -- they come first, in her mind, and she comes second. definitely considers most people around her more important than herself -- she doesn’t have a bad self-confidence, really, but putting herself first isn’t something she’d think of?

even from first year she’d be the kid others could come to if they couldn’t sleep and she’d make them some tea and stay up with them

favourite subjects are care of magical creatures & herbology -- just loves everything about nature and all the creatures in it

her room at home is full of plants & she joined the herbology club at hogwarts as soon as she could so she could help out in the greenhouses; makes her feel like home and less homesick, though having her siblings and parents at hogwarts now definitely helps

her tag is ‘steady flame’ which i tend to think pretty suitable for her -- she’s not a bright, roaring wildfire or anyone that sticks out particularly much, but she’s steady in her light and her love and she’s always there to provide some comfort

always tries her hardest in her classes but if she has to help a friend out that takes precedence -- she cares about her grades but not as much as helping people, so if she needs to skip out on revising more for a test to comfort a friend, she will

takes her prefect responsibilities quite seriously and now her head student ones, but isn’t a stickler for the rules in the sense that she always tries to understand the reason behind why a student got in trouble and if exceptions should be made

her biggest passion is dragons and they have been her favourite animal since she was a kid her heart just !!!! soars when she thinks of them

her dream job is to be a dragonologist but she hasn’t really... committed to it because she’s like... afraid of leaving home? she doesn’t want to be somewhere else if people need her? in a way ig she considers herself a bit more important than she is -- people will be fine if she moves elsewhere, the world will not fall apart, people will be happy for her -- but simultaneously she’s afraid to leave if like. nothing changes when she’s gone? and she’s not as important and necessary here as she thought? idk she has Conflicted emotions so her solution rn is just to let that dream remain just a dream

hopefully she’ll get her act together and go for it one day

but rn she’s considering a herbologist career instead even tho her heart is yelling at her to work with dragons

AISLINN FINNIGAN-THOMAS: seventh year, hufflepuff, vampire, cis female, she/ her. fc: inbar lavi. pinterest.

bde: big dumbass energy

chaotic horny

kind of spoiled in the sense that she has both her dads wrapped around her little finger and kind of... charms her way into avoiding punishment?

gets away with a lot of shit she shouldn’t and has since she was a kid

maybe that’s why she’s such a disaster now! whom knows

was sorted into hufflepuff not so much because she admires or embodies the traits, necessarily, but because hufflepuff takes the rest and she really couldn’t fit anywhere else

she’s really just here to have a good time and wants to accomplish that in any way possible

she’s really... not interested in anything that doesn’t involve having fun. schoolwork? serious matters? will gladly ignore!

she Loves her friends and family but might not be the best person to always turn to for emotional support? or ever gfhsjd. her strategy for anything painful is ignore, ignore, ignore! and that tends to be her advice to others. she’s for sure nice to turn to if you want to distract yourself and do something fun, but in terms of actually discussing things and trying to process them? really not the right gal

‘mate, am genuinely jus here for a laff x’ in a person

gets into A Lot of stupid and reckless and dangerous situations just because she’s a person who tends to follow any half-rotten idea she gets. could be seen as brave, i suppose, since she’s not really scared of much --- but it’s more because she doesn’t think about it or linger on what consequences could come long enough to actually get scared

really doesn’t have an ambitious bone in her body. she’s never been one to even plan a week ahead but just lives her life a day at a time. teachers might try to get her to settle on a career and plan for it but she’ll just say a goal and by the next meeting drop another random career that she has no intention of trying for. probably drives them up the wall

does just well enough to scrape by in her classes so her parents can’t complain but no more than that

makes a lot of bad decisions, especially if she’s drunk

key example: deciding that knockturn alley seemed like a good place for a hookup and went there late at night, alone, and drunk as hell

did not find a hookup, but a vampire found her

woke up the next day feeling like absolute shite and with a very obvious bite that aislinn in true dumbass fashion thought was the ugliest hickey in the world

really hasn’t.... processed being a vampire? she’s like eh! can be ignored! i’m not emotionally and spiritually a vampire which is all that matters!

insists on still doing stuff she can no longer do, like eat a shit ton of garlic bread and lie out in the sun when she’s fucking nocturnal now

she’s quite sweet but her disaster energy brings a lot of stress to the logical people in her life

ISABELLA POTTER: fifth year, ravenclaw, disaster, halfblood, cis female, she/ her. fc: lana condor. pinterest.

she’s like the really trashy love child of leslie knope and ben wyatt?? mostly their bad sides lmao??? she too would be referred to as a human disaster on national tv

she’s a descendant of the part of the potter family that moved to america ages ago, so until she transferred to hogwarts in her fourth year she didn’t know the other potters?? like obviously she knew of them what with harry saving the wizarding world and all, but they hadn’t met each other before. she’s an only child with no close cousins so like meeting the potters and the huge fam that comes with them was kind of like ………………… wait what for her and she’s still like??? doubt we’re actually related sorry can’t live up to you all

but yeah it was just her & her parents growing up and she was quite close to them when she was younger, but her dad is a politician ( now the president of the magical congress of the us ) and her mother is a healer, and they’re both just really ambitious, hardworking people so they didn’t have a lot of time to dedicate to their home life?? and when isa went off to boarding school they drifted further apart, so at this point they honestly don’t know each other that well?? and tbh they’re not bad parents per say, if you don’t count how focused on their careers they are rather than supporting her, it’s just that they’re both so focused and confident i don’t think they ever consider that isa might,,, not be?? and she really, really isn’t.

her self-worth is so low and confidence is basically nonexistent, and when she’s nervous or struggling a lot with anxiety she tends to ramble a lot, which her parents just interpreted as her being talkative rather than there being an underlying reason for it, and basically there was just… a lot of misunderstanding between them? like isa still loves them, but whenever she was home she just didn’t feel good, and she hates herself for it because they are good people, but she just doesn’t know how to change that??

somehow did not end up nearly as charismatic or smart or anything as her parents tho and is just a mess™ so she mostly introduces herself only with her first name and tries to like not think of the fact that that her dad held such an important position bc she doesn’t want to bring more embarrassment to the family than she already has lmao

she really wants to make her parents proud and everything and tries to behave properly she’s just ??? failing epically. always finds a way to embarrass herself and put her foot in her mouth and once it happens her pride kicks in and she just makes it worse and worse because she can’t just admit that she did something wrong so she just continues to dig her own grave like every second conversation it’s amusing to watch but she’s just a tragic mess

with her father being the president and her mother out there literally saving lives she was like i gotta do something good with mine!!! she doesn't see becoming an author as good enough in comparison, so she's gonna study to become a healer like her mom after she graduates but like,,, it’s so not the right career choice for her, she'll probably would dropp up halfway through training

when anything remotely bad happens she’s like this is THE worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life and i cannot show my face ever again so basically,,, the ppl in her life are probably used to her Dramatic self by now. tho i guess now that there is an actual apocalypse going on, everything sort of is the worst thing that’s ever happened in her life?? anyways

when it comes down to it isa is just a mess™ who just. gets into embarrassing situations Constantly because she never shuts up. she is often awkward and anxious and always puts her foot in her mouth and once that happens her pride kicks in and she just makes it worse and worse because she just can’t admit that she did something wrong so she just continues to dig her own grave like every second conversation. amusing to watch but a terror for herself she’s just a tragic mess who Cannot shut up for two seconds

her mouth just runs on it’s own and her brain struggles to keep up so she just says weird shit sometimes

it is honestly a surprise she hasn’t run off to live in the woods and write trashy romance novels yet

that’s genuinely a thought she has daily djhasg she loves her family so much so she wouldn’t but like. she thinks she should not be allowed to talk with other people because she Will fuck it up and she’s proven that again and again

lowkey terrified of actually falling in love despite how often she gushes about it and just runs away at the thought. quite literally. she will ramble and then run as fast as she can she’s gotta GO

VERA WOOD-KRUM: fifth year, gryffindor, broom racing mess, halfblood, cis female, she/ her. fc: brittany o’grady.

vera is entirely her fathers’ daughter and that becomes clear to everyone who has heard of them like .5 seconds after meeting her

she is Loud and she Will Not be stopped!!

so yeah she’s the daughter of viktor and oliver, and at this point they’re even more iconic than they were when they were younger tbh. even their ‘love story’ is pretty famous around the wizarding world, their rivals-to-eventual-friends-to-lovers story touching many, not to mention being one of the first openly gay couples in the quidditch sphere

vera will always argue they’re the most iconic couple at the very least in the quidditch world but also probably in the wizarding world but lbr she is Biased

she has three siblings, a younger brother named max who is... probably in his second year at this point i wanna say, and two older siblings, katya & alex, who are a bit closer in age to her. oliver and viktor used surrogate mothers and mixed sperm and have their kids, and yeah long story short vera is fiercely loyal to her family and would highkey die for them. 10/10 always ready to fight for them if someone talks shit

very grateful for her family and her happy upbringing and they mean more to her than anything in the world

obviously comes from a very quidditch centred family, and tho neither of her parents would force their kids into any career, they did have her join a little league quidditch team as a kid to encourage a healthy lifestyle and bc it’s their favourite sport in the world lbr. vera started out as a chaser but the coach decided to switch her position to seeker because he thought it would be a more suitable position --- which it definitely was, only more so than intended. her time in the little league quidditch team made her realise her intense love for broom racing, and she quickly lost interest in the actual game, racing off the pitch before quickly crashing and being brought back by the coaches fgjgdsfjhs

has been set on becoming a professional broom racer since she was a kid, basically, and is as obsessed with that as oliver is with quidditch --- if not more. like father, like daughter fjhsdgfhjs

basically all her birthday and christmas wishes since then has been related to it, whether for broom polish or workout clothes or books on the matter, even sometimes wishing from brooms when a new version was released

always makes sure to keep up with the latest news regarding anything from brooms to quidditch

anytime one of her fathers went to diagon alley, she would hound them into bringing her so she could hang out in broomstix, overtime annoying the old owner into liking her LMAO, becoming something like the granddaughter he never had

she worked there over summer and helps out a bit now during christmas break as well

but yeah vera was sorted into gryffindor like .2 seconds after the sorting hat touched her head HFJSDGFJS she was so far from a headstall it’s ridiculous

she takes after oliver a lot which i think is one of the first things ( and sometimes only if they don’t get to know her ) people notice about her --- she’s vivacious and loud and dramatic and incredibly competitive and is absolutely ridiculous, most of the time, especially when it comes for the lengths she’ll go to when it comes to broom racing. but she holds viktor’s kindness and loving nature at her core and she has quite a fixed

definitely wouldn’t be wrong to call her a daredevil, one of the things she loves about broom racing is flying around obstacles and how wrong it can go if she’s not good enough gjhdsgfj

has been in and out of both the hospital wing and st. mungo’s many, many times for a sixteen-year-old

her whole family is very supportive of her dreams which she is So grateful for, partly because they just want to see her succeed and be happy but also to reduce the amount of injuries she gets hsdhjfgs viktor especially trains her a lot with his seeker experience in mind, a role which her older siblings took on when she started hogwarts

that said, the wood-krum siblings are just as likely to encourage each other to get into trouble as to help each other so she ends up in trouble a lot hjsdghfj she Loves it tho all the professors probably think she is a pain in the ass, albeit a charming one

vera always tries to get around hogwarts by broomstick or longboard so like. rip in peace to the rest of hogwarts’ inhabitants bc the amount of detentions she gets doesn’t face her, she is set in her ways

#( verse: next gen. )#( intros. )#i genuinely just #copy pasted two of these LMAO #i was gonna do more but i figured maybe it's easier to spread them out in several posts

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wild3flow3r · 6 years

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Her Royal Majesty

A story about Princesses, Bodyguards, and ‘fun’ nights out.

The music pulses through Sophia’s veins. Or maybe it’s the large amount of alcohol she’s consumed over the last hour. She isn’t sure. She isn’t sure of anything anymore, that is except for two things. One of them being that Derrick (or David? Maybe it was Dwayne?) has his hands dangerously low near the end of her dress that with one quick movement they could easily be under her dress. The other being the intense gaze Sophia felt upon herself. She knew it was Harry. It was always Harry.

She gave herself thirty more seconds before that damned man would stomp over here and break her and her conquest apart. She thought she should make the rest of her time worthwhile.

Sophia pulls Daniel’s hair down so that she can successfully press her lips against his. It’s sloppy and he tastes of the free nuts they serve at the bar. If she were sober she definitely would have puked on his shoes by now. She can tell that his fingers are just about to take the plunge beneath her dress, but she’s ripped away from him cruelly.

“What the hell, mate?” Drake barks, his eyes lit with a sparking fire.

“Yeah, come on, Harry. We were just having some fun,” Sophia purrs, trying to push past the wall that was standing between her and the disgusting tasting man.

“I think it’s about time we get you home now,” Harry growls, tilting his head to the side so that he could stare into Sophia’s eyes.

“I don’t want to go home yet,” she sighs with a slump of her shoulders. “I came out tonight to have fun.”

“Yeah, man. She just wants to have some fun. You should leave,” Damien chimes in.

“What’s your name?” Harry asks instead of leaving.

“Kyle.”

“Kyle? Are you sure? I was sure it started with a ‘D’,” Sophia hums in thought.

“And do you have any idea who she is, Kyle?” Harry asks, a condescending tone taking over his voice.

Kyle rolls his eyes. “Should I?”

“This is Her Royal Majesty Princess Sophia, second in line to the throne of England.”

“Oh shit, really? Wow I’ve never fucked a princess before.”

“Well, I definitely live up to the rumors,” Sophia adds.

“And you are never going to,” Harry says, completely ignoring Sophia behind him.

“And why not?”

“Because if you did then I would have to kill you.”

“Come on, man,” Kyle places a hand on Harry’s shoulder. “You’re overreacting.”

Harry glances down at the hand on his shoulder and then back up to Kyle. Even if Sophia had been sober, Harry’s movements still would have been too fast for her to comprehend. All she knows is that in one second Kyle’s hand is on Harry, and then in the next he’s clutching it to his stomach with a few of its bones probably broken.

“What the fuck!” Kyle screams in pain. “Who the fuck are you? Her boyfriend or something?”

Sophia scoffs. “He wishes.”

Harry glares back at Sophia momentarily before sending Kyle one last deathly look. “I’m her bodyguard. And if you know what’s good for you then you’ll stay away from the princess and never mention this night to anyone. Because if you do then I will know, and I will kill you.”

With that last word, Harry grips onto Sophia’s forearm before dragging her out of the club behind him.

“Let go of me,” Sophia demands while trying to push against his grip. “Did you hear me? I said let go. NOW!”

The cold air hits Sophia like a ton of bricks. The only thing keeping her warm is Harry’s grip, but even that can’t stop the feeling of the wind on her exposed skin.

“Bring the car around. Now.” Harry barks into his ear piece. Nobody else on the sidewalk will come within five feet of the pair.

“I want to go back inside,” Sophia states.

Harry ignores her.

“Did you hear me? I want to go back inside,” she repeats.

She’s still only met with silence.

“I am freezing, Harry. It feels like it’s bloody negative eleven degrees out here. I want to go back inside.”

Harry finally spares her a glance. It’s the first time he properly takes in her disheveled appearance. Her hair is slightly amuck and her makeup smudged, and the bottom of her dress had ridden up just enough to show much more skin than a princess should. Her mother, The Queen, probably would have had a heart attack if she could see her daughter right now. Harry wanted to ignore her again, but he couldn’t ignore the way her body trembled from the cool air. He could even feel the goosebumps begin to develop on her skin underneath his hand. He had to admit that she was right about tonight being an exceptionally cold night.

“Here,” Harry mutters before letting her go and shrugging his jacket off of his shoulders. He carefully places the material over her own shoulders.

Sophia sneers at him, but takes the jacket nonetheless. She wraps it around her tighter, the smell of peppermint overtaking her scent. She hates to admit it, but she loves the smell.

“You’re an arsehole, did you know that?” Sophia spits at him rhetorically.

“Oh yeah? How?” Harry rolls his eyes.

“I was having a perfectly good time before you came to ruin it.”

Harry raised an eyebrow. “By the end of the night you would have been left completely unsatisfied.”

“That is not true. In fact, I bet that Darwin would have been the best fuck I’ve ever had in my entire life. But now I’ll never know.”

Harry pinned the princess against a wall. Both of his hands held her wrists and held them high above her head. One of his knees set itself between her legs to keep them slightly spread apart. She couldn’t take her green eyes off of his.

“You’re a liar,” Harry whispers underneath his breath. “I could make you scream louder any night than any man ever could.”

“Then prove it,” Sophia growls while pushing her hips further against his. She smirks when she feels him poking against his jeans and one of her thighs. She would be lying if she said her panties weren’t soaked at this exact moment.

Their car pulls up before Harry can do anything else. The driver honks the horn to announce his arrival, but Harry doesn’t move immediately.

“You shouldn’t tease me. It won’t end well for you,” he snarls before letting her go. He walks towards the car and holds the door open for her.

“Don’t leave me hanging or it won’t end well for you,” Sophia pushes against him before stepping into the backseat of the car. The door closes immediately behind her and Harry walks around the car to enter the other side of the backseat.

“I’m not joking with you-”

“Neither am I,” she cuts him off before he can get another word in. “You're not my boyfriend, Harry. You’re my bodyguard. You should be lucky that I even consider letting you fuck me every once in awhile.”

“Don’t you mean let me fuck you every single night?”

“Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. Either way, you should consider yourself lucky.”

“If that’s how you feel then I won’t sneak into your bed tonight.”

This was not the first time Harry threatened to not pay her a visit throughout the night. Actually, it was an everyday thing. It was a game they played- to see who caved first. Harry usually won.

“Fine then,” Sophia snaps, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back into her seat with a loud thump.

“Don’t act like a child, Sophia.”

“I’m not acting like anything.”

“You’re such a spoiled brat, you know that?”

“Well I am the bloody Princess of England, Harry! It comes with the job description.”

“Well aren’t princesses supposed to be all prim and proper? You looked like such a twat grinding against that man.”

“You are the help, Harry! You aren’t allowed to have an opinion on my life! Or at the very least tell me about your opinion!”

“Well, I thought you should know.”

“Well, I don’t care! God, I wish my mother never hired you.”

Both of them go silent after that. Harry glaring harshly out the window and Sophia staring at her nails with disinterest. This wasn’t the first night Sophia’s driver had to suffer through one of their infamous arguments. It was either that or them basically fucking in the backseat.

Sophia jumps out of the car as soon as it comes to a stop in front of the palace. Usually it was protocol for her to wait for someone to open the door for her, but she couldn’t stand to stay in the car for another second with Harry.

Some staff greet her as she enters the castle, mostly the night guards since everyone else was asleep for the night, but she ignores them without a second thought. She’s about to stomp her way up the two flights of stairs to her room, but a voice calls out for her. Of course it’s the one person she wants to see less than Harry right now.

“You’re the number one trending topic on Twitter at the moment,” Sophia’s mother, The Queen, calls out from her spot on the throne.

Sophia spins around to face her mother, trying to keep the fire in her eyes at bay. “And?”

“Apparently you gave some boy more than a princess should be offering. He’s been tweeting about the entire experience for the last half hour.”

“Harry told him-”

“We’ve already taken the initial tweets down so it doesn’t matter, but it’s out there and there’s no getting it back. Apparently that boy is a reporter from some online magazine and he knew who you were the entire time you were dancing with him.”

“How was I supposed to know that he was a reporter?”

“That’s not the point! You shouldn’t have danced with him in the first place! You shouldn’t have even looked at him!”

“I don’t see why it matters! I’m not the one that is set up to take the throne next!”

“What you do reflects on all of us. If you act out and make stupid decisions then why wouldn’t your older brother as well?”

“They know Eric is going to be an amazing ruler. They know that he and I are two completely different people.”

“Do they, though? They see how close the two of you are. Maybe he’s just better at hiding the terrible things he gets up to.”

“You’re overreacting, mother.”

“I don’t feel like I’m reacting enough!” The Queen explodes, finally standing up from her chair with her voice echoing all throughout the room. “When are you going to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you? When are you going to grow up?”

“Maybe when my mother starts worrying about my actual wellbeing rather than my public image,” Sophia snarls, her eyes beginning to become blurry but she refuses to shed one tear in front of this woman. She flips on her heel to continue her way up to her room.

“You’re being selfish, Sophia. If you know what’s good for you then you’ll start thinking about your family rather than yourself all the time.”

Sophia continues up the stairs without saying another word. She knows her voice would crack if she were to say something else, and that would just give The Queen another thing to pick on her for.

“That’s right, Sophia. Run away just like you always do!”

Sophia sprints up the rest of the stairs and down the hallway to her bedroom. She slams the door behind her, making sure that even her mother can hear it two floors below her. She jumps on her bed, not bothering to change or rid herself of her makeup. She only gives herself enough time to pull a blanket over her head before she lets the sobs rack through her body.

Her body hurts. Everything hurts. Tears fall freely down her cheeks and onto her pillows. Her chest aches, desperately trying to fill a void that her mother always seems to open whenever she’s with her.

She almost didn’t hear the soft click of her door closing over her sobs. Even if she hadn’t, she surely would have heard the soft thuds of his feet hitting her hardwood floor. She knows it’s him, but she doesn’t want to see him right now. He has never seen her like this. She doesn’t want him to ever see her like this.

“Sophia-”

“What do you want?” she growls underneath the sanctuary of her blankets. Growling was the only way she could speak without sounding so weak.

“I heard what just happened between you and your mother-”

“Then you can probably figure that I’d like to be alone, Harry.”

He stays silent, but she can feel his eyes watching over her crumpled figure beneath the blankets.

“She’s wrong, you know. I’ve never seen you run away. You’re way too stubborn to do that. If I know you like I think I do then I know you’ll go back to her tomorrow and hurt her twice as hard as she hurt you. She may be The Queen, but you’re the Princess. And being the bloody best at everything is in your job description.”

With that he stalks out of the room without another word. Only the door closing behind him signals to Sophia that he had left. His words resonated within her, slowly filling that void inside of her. He was right. She would win this war.

#1dff #harry styles fanfic #one shot #guess who's back back back back again again again #christa's back back back #tell me your thoughts please!!! :)

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virtualman17-blog · 7 years

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Top 10 Reasons Not to Support the Developer of Yandere Simulator (Yandere Dev/EvaXephon/Alex Mahan)

Yandere Simulator: A game with a good idea but with a very corrupt developer. Yandere Dev/Alex has become a epicenter of controversy ever since people discovered all of his dark secrets, causing him to lose supporters left and right and this list is dedicated to alerting people about his twisted personality and why people should NOT Support him.

And also because my previous list on this subject got taken down on thetoptens.com by a snob-nosed, dick-sucking, twat, I'm going to remake it with even more evidence again that little shit-licker’s master!

1. Yandere Simulator is a Revenge Act Against High School Girls Who Rejected Him

This is not only the biggest reason as to why Yandere Dev sucks but it also coexists with several other things on this list. Back in Alex's high school days he was constantly trying to get with several high school girls but ultimately got rejected - for obvious reasons. And so when Alex made Yandere Simulator - a game about slaughtering girls as a whole, he can feel like he's getting revenge on them by killing them in brutal, painful and horrendous ways. Disgusting! And because the male Senpai in the game is a self-insert of Alex and he made him so "perfect and flawless" and has a lot of busty, mindless girls swooning over him, Alex gets of recreate what he thinks his life in school "should've been". Alex if you are reading this: leave the internet for good!

2. He is a Pedophile

Is there any limitation as to how low this a-hole can sink?! Anyways there is a TON of evidence that point towards his pedophilia like in his cesspool of a game in where even though it takes place at a high school you get to look up girl's skirts, take pictures and sell them and Alex is planning to make it possible to get female students in his game get kidnapped and sold off to sex slavery! Theres also a pedophile teacher who's name is literally "indecent" in Japanese who is after your crush and on top of that nearly all of the girls in the game have unnaturally large breasts, some of them have boobs bigger than their heads. And when people called Alex out on this he said that all of the students are 18 years old, but really there are other grades in high school - four to be exact - and the age gap in practically all high schools is ages 15-18 on average. He only likes girls with large breasts as he once said "Does she have big breasts? Then why should I care?". He should be more worried about what women can do with their fists and feet if they get anywhere him if he keeps this up. He's also been having disturbing affairs with underaged girls as young as 14 years old and he knows that they're too young for him despite the fact that he says "he didn't know", he asked her for nudes and Alex even tried to defend pedophilia by calling it "a sexual orientation". He also hires a lot of former hentai artists like kjach to draw extremely perverted drawing of his characters and one of them has Iyano (you ready for this) getting raped by a dog. (face palm) And of coarse we can't forget about his "lovely" fan fictions. One of them being called "I Am Your Slave" which is about a submissive, dumb, woman who is a slave and is happy to be so - Alex's type of girl, and the other is "Life of a Sex Slave" which is about a woman who grew up as a sex slave and only knows how to live as one. I swear Alex here is making the Twilight and Fifty Shades of Gray books look like masterpieces and I thought that was impossible! There’s just no hope for this guy, he is just gone.

3. He Can't Handle Criticism

As we all probably know, when someone becomes an artist and no matter how well we do we can't exactly please everybody. And what normally separates a good artist from a bad one aside from their work is their ability to accept criticism and Yandere Dev/Alex is NOT one of them. He has attacked several people including my own sister for leaving anything other than praise or most especially: sad but true facts about his poorly made game that frankly deserve all the criticism he gets. If he finds anything on the internet directed towards him that isn't mindless praising he goes down the Donald Scum route and attacks the commenter, and he will ban anyone form his streams about his hilariously bad gameplay skills that don't praise him like a god. He often makes really lame replys like "You dirty SJW!"(real mature and clever) like what he said to my sister one time. But other times he sinks lower than that, a good example is when Yandere Dev banned a mod called the "Size Mod" from his game which allowed you to change Yandere-chan's height and a lot of fans downloaded it but some emailed Yandere Dev instead of the original creator, and Alex called the mod "stupid" and Stickman - a Youtuber who downloaded it told him that was very disrespectful and he told Alex to fu*k off to which then Alex replied by saying "No, you can fu*k off, go stick your dick in a beehive" I don't think he even came up with that insult himself and besides at least Stickman has a real dick! He attacks Kiwifarms.net a lot for telling the truth and there was this artist who used to be a fan of Yandere Simulator who goes by the username of "swoomzie" on PrettyUglyLittleLiar.net who used to draw fan art for Alex's game until she heard about how he loves to steal artwork for his game (Look at "He Constantly Steals From Other Source Materials" for examples) and when she confronted Alex about this and asked him to sign a contract with her to make sure she gets credited for her artwork, he got offended, called her rude and didn't what to work with her anymore. And when people criticized Ayano for being an emotionless plank of wood - same with her Senpai, Alex admitted that he didn't want to give her a personality because he was afraid that he would be criticized for giving her a specific personality. So basically he just admitted that he can't handle criticism and he seriously thinks that giving a character no personality is better than some personality? Why do you think everyone likes Yuno from Future Diary - the most famous Yandere of all time or - who a few people like - male yandere: Damiya from Beast Player Erin? It's because they have a ton of personality, same with virtually every character in Marvel, DC, Persona, Metal Gear Solid, Prince of Persia, Ratchet and Clank, the Tales games and the superhero megaseries that I'm working on myself. And finally another great example is when the original creator of Stop Yandere Dev on Tumblr who was an autistic (no insult) woman called out Alex and pointed out a lot of dark facts about him and Alex found out about this and called her an autistic b**ch. Yeah well f**k you Alex, you ugly, pasty Linguini look-alike! Anyone who uses autism as a slur for "stupid, retarded, freak" or whatever don't deserve to live, because thats talking down to a group of people with a slight mental abnormality. Most autistic people have a sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights and may experience reoccurring daydreaming, but they often have a higher IQ than the average person, are very creative and have a few different ways of learning and I should know because I'm autistic and I'm anything but stupid! I'm one of the highest graded students in the schools I went to and I'm doing a great job at designing my own series mostly because I don't rip off everything I like and I don't throw an Alex Mahan temper tantrum whenever something doesn't go my way or when I receive something thats less than praising. If you can't handle criticism, than you should stay away from doing anything on the internet but try telling that to someone who's whole life is the internet.

4. He is a Misogynist

Speaking on how he goes against what SJWs stand for he does not know how to treat or even cares about women in the slightest. For starters a vast majority of the girls in his game are oversexualized with massive breasts and are about as dumb as the guy looking down on them (Alex Mahan) and he loves to hire former hentai artists like kjech to draw the most disgusting, pedophiliac pictures of his characters and they are disgusting and unnatural to say the least. And he goes even further with his sexism to where he will pretty much call any girl he doesn't like a b**ch. He writes rape fan fictions like "I Am Your Slave" and "Life of a Sex Slave" and they're about downright stupid, submissive girls who Alex, Trump, the GOP and every deplorable degenerate loves! Plus the man in I Am Your Slave is an insert of Yandere Dev. His deplorable fan fictions make Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey look like Hunger Games and Shakespeare and I though that was impossible! Also he once said that he hasn't interacted with a woman in real life aside of his mom in over a year, gee I wonder why. Maybe it's because he does not know how to treat them properly and that he groups them based on breast size and good looks (Just like the evil orange he likes: Donald Scum) rather than personality, interests, intelligence, skills, social skills?! And that he considers flat-chested women to be deformed and not deserving of his worthless attention? He often slut-shames any woman who talks down to him and anyone who's "not good enough for him", after all he did say one time: "Does she have big breasts? Then why should I care?", DEGENERATE! Now I like hot and beautiful women too and I do admit that I like look at hot girls on the internet and would love to marry a beautiful lady one day, but I draw the line in the sand when it comes to his porn or hentai and I stay away from it. Plus I'm a strong supporter of women's rights and if a marry someone I want her to have some pride in herself and have a good personality as a whole like how all girls should be. If I found someone with the most perfect body but is anything like the women Alex writes in disgusting fan fictions than no thank you! And need I remind you that the female human species is just as important as us men, without one or the other there is no us, so why not treat them with dignity and respect just like how men have been getting it for several centuries? But of coarse the abomination know as Yan Dev who probably couldn't care less about women's rights if it meant saving his own skin just wants to see them as male accessories rather than real people. Screw you Alex, you sexist Trump-spawn!

5. He Constantly Steals Form Other Source Materials

Despite the fact that he mostly has volunteers working on his game that he doesn't pay, he still manages to rip off content after content from other game designers, video games, anime/cartoon shows etc. He likes to pleasure himself by watching, searching on the internet or playing something instead of working on his game and as soon as he sees something he likes, he'll take it, claim ownership and not credit or even mention the original artist. And even when we expose of him for it (like I've said on "He's a Liar") he'll say "It's just a place holder" TRANSLATION: "It's mine now suckers!" He just thinks that if he makes some slight adjustments like changing the color in one or two places, that automatically makes it his, if you get inspiration from somewhere, change about 50% of it so that way: 1. it can't be a rip off and 2. you show respect to the original artist/s. Like what I do for my own franchises! Examples of what he stole: - He stole Doug Clayton's grass texture 3 times! - He's stolen a lot of lines from Undertale. - Like I've said before on "His Characters are Horribly Designed" most of the characters are stolen Unity Store assets. - There's a character named "Fureddo Jonzu" (Fred Jones from Scooby Doo) - let me cry for you. - A lot of the hairstyles are stolen MMD assets. - A lot of the environments in the game are stolen like the gymnasium, the classrooms, the town outside the school, Iyano's bedroom and a few others. - The character "Nemesis-chan" was completely copy-pasted form someone else's work. - He stole a lot of assassination mechanics from Hitman. - He's planning to steal a lot of content from Persona 5 - a game from a critically-praised series with some of the best, most creative and most well-written characters of any game series! Honestly I'm highly surprised that no one has sued his sorry ass yet, if someone did though Alex probably won't be able to live with his parents anymore, and I'm okay with that.

6. Some of His Fans are a Basket of Deplorables

Of course I'm not saying that all of Yan Dev's fans are bad, in fact - most of them are innocent people who just find his game fun and that's that and even if they are aware of all the stuff that we say about him or even know that it's true they still show some dignity to us and just want to have some fun times with Yandere Simulator. But a minority of his fans are just disgusting deplorables that just have to say the most vile, bigotry, bullcrap in existence just because we have a negative view of Yan Dev and his games. And a lot of those particular fans are so loyal and submissive they will follow Alex all the way to hell and to which I hope they do because like I said: they're attack dogs ready to pounce at the first negative comment about Yan Dev they see. The best example on this is what one low-life commented on Oni's Tumblr page "Stop Yandere Dev" and that particular abomination said: "Should I get a penis for "Oni" on her birthday? She seems to really want one. Just a reminder- Tans "men" aren't real men. Why don't you go make someone a sandwich or some babies? That's all women are good for, other than tapping material. You should've never talked s**t about Devpai” Me to Yan Dev deplorable #36667-KKK: F**king degenerate! Two can play at that game - Say what you want to think about trans-men but they have real penises something you obviously lack, and you must feel safe in your mother's basement behind your computer as you are so ugly and gross no woman would never make you a sandwich or a demon spawn in your name and you wouldn't be able to say all that deplorable talk to Oni's face, for the fact that you are afraid of women because they are so much stronger than you and Oni herself could effortlessly bash your head in so hard it will come flying out your tight a**hole. And speaking of penises, how does Devpai's nonexistent dick taste? Keep sucking on it until you choke or get one of the many diseases Devpai is carrying as it will rid the world of one less problem we have to concern ourselves about! I really would love to leave that one comment to any Alex fanboy, I would love to.

7. His Game and Characters are Horribly Designed

Aside from the fact that Alex's game is like a hentai without the sex with brainless women that have breasts and butt-cheeks bigger than their empty heads and guys with di*ks so big that they will have to pee in the bath tub, that is if they can fit them through the bathroom door. His characters are by far the most poorly made shells-of-men and women i've ever seen! For starters most of his character's names are just really lame puns that more or less reflect what little personality they have, an example is Osoro which means "awful" in Japanese and heres a few more: - Osana Najimi (Childhood Friend) - She's not even fully implemented in the game yet. - Geiju Teuka (Artist) - Mai Waifu (Means: my female anime crush) - Midori Gurin (Green Green) - Sakyu Basu & Inkyu Basu ((Sound like "Succubus & Inkubus" )Obviously) - Mida Rana (Indecent) The game also takes place at high school but the students all wear sailor uniforms, only middle-schoolers wear them while high-schoolers normally wear neckties with blazers. Plus virtually all of his characters are stolen Unity Store Assets - which he says he's going to replace in the future but he won't, just watch! And on top of that, they all have even less personality then the Twilight characters in which their only character trait has something to do with their pun names. Also Yandere-chan (Iyano Aishi) - the character you play is described as an emotionless, dull, empty killer-in-love that "inherited" her Yandere trait from her mother which is NOT how a Yandere should be! Yanderes are solely motivated by emotion especially love and fear and will kill based off of their emotions if they see any potential rival in their crazy obsession over the man/woman they want to be with if it kills them. Alex loves Japan yet he knows nothing about them and their culture, and he knows about as much on making characters as Donald Trump knows about being a President, in other words: HE KNOWS NOTHING!!!

8. He Hates Social Justice Warriors

Social Justice Warriors or SJWs are good people and I'm one myself, their only goal is to stop all sexism, racism, homophobia, and just all forms of bigotry and prejudice in general so that everyone, no matter how they're born don't get treated as second class, as objects or even as criminals just because they're not white, straight, Christian men. The only people they don't support are actual criminals. And fun fact: people who usually hate SJWs are often racist, sexist, homophobic, hateful, Nazi-loving, KKK, fascist, deplorables like about half of Donald Trump's supporters as well as Trump himself and Alex Mahan (Yandere Dev) - who also supports Trump. Some SJWs may go a bit too far and take their ideals to the extreme to where it's white men above everyone else being reversed, but those "SJWs" are extremists and unfortunately they give the rest of the SJW's a bad name like "extreme liberals". But I know that it goes both ways, there are both extreme liberals and conservatives and they both have terrible ideals on how one or two groups of people "deserve" more respect than the others and normal SJWs are not like that, we are EQUAL RIGHTS not ethnic or gender dominance - because that wouldn't be "equal" now wouldn't it? And when you see all those stupid, unfactual anti-SJW memes and rants on the internet calling SJWs "bullies", "bigots", "racists", "criminals", "stupid", "hateful", "whiny", "cancerous" or whatever, those dumb memes and rants were made by REAL bullies, bigots, racists, and criminals that ARE stupid, hateful, whiny, and cancerous low-lifes! On top of that, Yandere Dev has been seen making friends with people on 4-Chan - one of the worst anti-SJW cesspools on the internet. And the people on 4-Chan talk like Nazis and KKK scum and Yandere Dev likes to pander to them about making Yandere Simulator the most anti-SJW game in existence and he's on a roll with that as it is already filled with, incest, misogyny, pedophilia and indecent exposure. Oh how I dream of the day when I can ban all anti-equal rights garbage from the internet, as well as Alex himself.

9. He's Notoriously Known as "EvaXephon" on Other Sites

When Yandere Dev is not working on his game for two minutes a day, he is doing terrible streams on other sites under "EvaXephon" by streaming video game playthroughs for up to 21 hours straight with horrendous gaming skills. I've seen some of his streams and he has played quite a few games that I've played myself and I'm SO much better than he is, in fact - for every time I've died in a level Alex has died like ten or even twenty times and if you suck at video games don't show it on the internet, unless it's for a comedy of errors. Anyways one such site he's been streaming on is Twitch and he often likes to leave links to his crumby streams and a lot of people hate him for it. On a side note: Yandere Simulator got banned on Twitch and while Alex says "It's those dirty SJWs" I'm sure we all know why it got banned in the first place, am I right?

10. He's a Liar

This may be one of the more "mild" cases of Yandere Dev's guiltiness but he does this often, like on a daily basis "often" and a lot of his fans believe him but you don't have to have a camera in his room to see what he's doing. Because he records himself doing other things! A perfect example is on how he always says that he works "very hard, nonstop" on his game but really he just works on it for 5 minutes a day and then spends the rest of the day streaming his crappy gaming skills for several hours straight, one time he did it for 21 hours in one day. And I know how he feels, after all I need "some time off" every time I finish one math question at school, my school was so brutal! I'm joking of course but other examples of when Alex lies is when we question him on how he doesn't pay any of his volunteers who work on his game for him but he says that he does. Yeah, and Donald Trump cares about Mexican and Muslim lives! (Not!!!) But probably the best example is when we point out how he steals something from other (real) artists or source materials and he either says that he stole nothing and it's his or he says "it's just a placeholder" but in reality he's saying "It's saying there forever whether you like it of not". - This will come back later...

#yandere simulator #anti yandere sim #stop yandere dev #yandere dev #yan sim #incorrect yandere simulator #i'm sorry devpai #placeholder-chan

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