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bubblyhoney · 3 years

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sarah i have thought of another fic request or like a cute idea i guess! i didn’t have anyone in mind when i thought of it so you can write it for whoever you want honestly :)

okay so the reader is a streamer but streams games like animal crossing, standew valley, etc. then (insert who you’re writing for) says they don’t like that game, but later ends up buying it and the reader is like “i thought you said you didn’t like this game” and they’re like “well i like you” and they confuses their feelings and they end up playing the game together and reader gives them a tour of their island or farm

i feel like this request isn’t good, but the scenario seemed cute and i wanted to share it. sorry if this is confusing or just too specific cuz i know it can be hard to write requests like that! but yeah i hope it gives you inspiration and you like the request <3

new horizons

warnings: language, a Marvel reference (hint: natasha said it about tony), stupid idiots who don’t realize they like each other, use of pet names, Uno rage, Hasan Piker's presence

words: 1473

tags: sapnap x gn!reader

A/N: i’ve been trying to catch up a little on my requests (i’ve only got a couple so i’m not super overwhelmed) but school and outside life has been taking up most of my time so this one took me a while to make! tbh— ive never played animal crossing so i did google some of the game mechanics and i apologize if anything is inaccurate about the game…. but i liked relaxing and writing this cute one so thank you for requesting hails :3

requests/inbox status: open

“This game is trash.”

Your head quirks, fingers stopped on the screen. You’re in the process of giving your character a cute new nickname; it’s kind of hard to decide between “awkward dude” and “elderly skater”.

“Excuse me?” Your chat comes alive with emotes and ‘KEKW’s, obviously entertained by you and your almost-more-than-friends-friend.

There’s a story for that later.

Sapnap’s rough laugh comes through your headset and he audibly swallows, the sound of a water bottle dropping onto his desk echoing.

“I’m just saying—it’s boring. It’s like Minecraft but you don’t like… do anything.” The grainy image of his bearded face shifts and you see him pull out his phone.

“It’s— you can’t even compare it to Minecraft! It’s a completely different game system—you actually interact with other people live in the game.” You huff out a dramatic sigh, slumping in your chair with a pout. “Just because you go into this lucid state where all you know is ‘touch block, hit George’ doesn’t mean this game isn’t fun.” (He scoffs at your awful impression of his voice. Your viewers love it.)

“Jeez,” he mumbles, fumbling with the cap of his water bottle. “Touched a nerve there, bud.”

You roll your eyes, getting back to the village in the game.

“Don't ‘bud’ me.”

The call falls comfortably quiet, the sounds of him tapping obsessively on his phone and you clicking away filling the silence. A gentle bedroom-pop YouTube playlist remains in the background, prompting you to hum along and glance at the chat to see a flood of “check twitter” and “Y/N TWITTER!!”.

“What happened on Twitter?” You mumble, confused, and pull the website up on another monitor. Sapnap just makes a curious noise, swinging back and forth in a circle. “Oh my God,” you say to yourself, fingertips brushing your parted lips.

“What?”

“Hasan Piker just followed me and retweeted one of my not even remotely political old tweets. Like from a year ago.”

“That’s— wow. Congrats?” Sapnap’s voice cracks, and his ears flush pink the tiniest bit when you glance at his face on Discord.

“I’m gonna go on record and say that he could get it.” You shake your head in disbelief.

Sapnap falls uncharacteristically non-hyper-verbal, so you look past the frenzied chat and to his screen— wait. He muted and turned his camera off.

“Um,” you start, furiously typing question marks in your private chat. “Where’d you go?” You mute and turn screen share off for your stream, concerned that he might’ve fallen off his chair and broken his neck and needs you to call the ambulance.

The characteristic ding of a twitter notification sounds through your bedroom, and you look at your phone quickly.

“That’s where I went.”

Sapnap Tweeted: “all Y/U stans can choke on my dick”.

“Jesus, Sapnap,” you say, and rapidly refresh to read the replies. This tweet was deleted. “That’s so— that barely makes sense, bro. Why— literally what?”

His snicker floods your ears and you relax in your chair. Crisis: averted. “Don’t fucking— what’s wrong with you?”

“I thought it would be funny,” he offers, shrugging, and fiddles with the straw in his water bottle, smile fading. “And also Hasan pisses me off.”

“Why, ‘cause he wants a piece of this? Jealous?” You think back to your viewers, knowing they’re probably spamming question marks and coming to ludacris conclusions about both of your absences. No offense to them. You remember your stan days very vividly.

“I mean, kinda.” He rubs once at his nose, glancing at the camera (and what feels like you) before taking a sip from his water bottle.

“Wow.” You watch one strand of his hair fall from beneath his hat and brush against his full eyebrows. “I’m uh—I’ll get back to my stream. You coming? Or is it time for a Sapnap-snack?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He snorts and leans his chin onto the balance of his arm.

“That means you like to take a little snack break mid-stream and come back approximately nine hours later and you didn’t even eat.”

“You know what— fuck you.” He flicks the camera as you laugh at the look on his face.

The teasing mood is easily kept as you switch games from Animal Crossing to Uno, all the while slamming Sapnap with +4’s and skipping the newly-arrived BadBoyHalo at any chance you can get. It unironically pisses him off and he has to take a Sapnap-snack break midway through (only a fifteen minute break this time, during which you and Bad take a “What Kind of Bread Are You?” quiz). The rest of the night is filled with devious cackles (you), loud and sudden bangs that sound suspiciously like someone hitting their desk in anger (Sap) and the stupid barking of Rat, AKA Lucy (Bad). She’s cute but a menace to the sound quality of Bad’s microphone. You sign off stream around 2 a.m. with various forms of thanks and kisses blown to the camera. It’s been a refreshing night, actually; you’ve been busy organizing a partnership stream all week and all your friends have been busy filming or editing or what-not. Quackity had time for a little Roblox every couple of days, though. He’s got your back.

The next time you see Sapnap is after a two hour stream of him try-harding in Valorant and you finishing responding to an email from your partnership in the VC.

“Okay, I’m back.” You hear him shift in his chair and click a couple more times on his keyboard. You perk up in your chair, closing the email browser you’d been looking at.

“Do you want to play anything else? I’m down for anything.”

“Absolutely not Uno. You can go to hell for giving me 6 cards that one time,” he jabs. You scoff, crossing your arms and leaning back in your chair.

“Okay, the +4 was on me but it’s Bad who gave you the last two. That’s not my fault, sweetie.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he mumbles, trailing off as the clicking of his keyboard stops. “Hey, um—Guess what?”

Your heart beats loud in your ears at the tone of his voice. He sounds nervous; that’s never good.

“I’m scared to guess,” you try, playing with a little Minecraft dog figurine you have on your desk with fidgety fingers. “What?”

“I bought Animal Crossing.”

Silence. You stare at his discord icon blankly, trying to reroute the wires of your brain.

“Tell me you love it.”

“Well… I haven’t actually played it— but you said you liked it, so.”

“So,” you repeat him, ears warming but continuing on. “Is that what you tell all your friends when you buy something they like? That it's because of them?”

He seems to choose his next words carefully, pausing a beat to consider your questions.

“Well, I don’t have a crush on all of my friends.”

“You—what?” You stutter, caught off guard and stumbling. What did he just say? “Don’t tell me you mean you have a crush on me.”

“I’m almost positive I just did.” His discord icon stares right back at you, taunting.

“You know, you’re very casual for someone who just admitted they like-like me.” Your cheeks flush pink and you have to press a hand to your chest to keep your breathing sounding stable.

“Yeah, I’m kind of cool like that,” he offers, a huff of a laugh punctuating his statement. The conversation moves into a lull that you can’t help but know is because of you. He must expect you to say something about it, right?

“You are very cool, Sapnap.” You tilt back in your chair, sucking in a breath to prepare yourself for your next words. “And—Isortakindofhaveacrushonyoutoo.”

He must understand you, for you can hear the grin in his voice when he asks “Really?”

“Y-yeah.” You feel like a preteen again, all shaky and giddy in front of the boy you just asked to a middle school dance.

“Um, alright. What do we do now?”

“I don’t know,” you answer genuinely and swing in a happy little circle in your chair. “We could play Animal Crossing.”

“I’m down.”

You swear you’ve never heard more beautiful words.

He keeps his camera off for most of the time you two play, too focused on creating his island and asking you questions about how to fish to turn it on. He silently flips it on when you help him decorate his lawn, needing to show you in real-time the decorations he has bought and where you think he should put them. He looks cute. I mean, of course he does. He always does.

You tell him goodbye late in the night, eyes saying a little more than just “see you tomorrow”.

You like him. He likes you.

It’s even better when you two have matching gardens.

A/N: anybody and everybody (especially my precious hailey) let me know what you think!! :]

#sapnap #mcyt #sapnap x gn!reader #sapnap x reader #sapnap x you #sapnap fluff #sapnap drabble #sapnap oneshot #bubblyhoneyfics #honey answers #mcyt x reader #🥚except small

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straymackerel · 4 years

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Can I please have headcanon for Dazai and Chuuya (separated of course) finding their so's old pictures that were clearly imperfect? So doesnt like past themselves Too chubby, bad style sense, acne and other unperfections. So is kinda ashamed about pictures and was hiding it all this time, but didnt thought them away cuz this is the last photos with their gone family? Exuse me my english, not native. You r cool! I like your writings very much 😊 okay if its not what u write just delete it❤

➽─{you guys are soooo polite! i just hope i’m interpreting this request right!}─❥

dazai osamu

• of course dazai deduces that you’re hiding something from him, but he doesn’t expect it to just be family photos.

• he’s very methodical in uncovering your secret and discovers it in no time.

• soon enough he finds the photos hidden in the middle of the biggest book you own–and everything clicks.

• mhm, he knows exactly why you’ve stuck them there.

• dazai, aware (but not fully understanding) of your struggle, thinks your insecurities are silly.

• like, what difference does some acne or a little chub make?

• nevertheless, he cooks up a plan to address your perceived flaws.

• he sits on the floor carefully examining each photo one by one, waiting for you to show up.

• when you walk in on him eventually, the book is wide open and the photos are splayed all around him. he doesn’t have to look up to visualize the horror written on your face.

• the insufferable super-genius picks up the photo he knows you hate most and nearly shoves it in your face.

• you’re completely unprepared for what he says next:

• “darling, what are these pictures doing in here?? they’re sooooo precious!”

• if you try to snatch it out of his hands, your reflexes are no match for his own reaction time. he pulls the photo close to his chest and gasps dramatically.

• “no fair! how could you deprive me of this adorableness!”

• he continues to fawn over as many photos as he can until you’re embarrassed beyond belief.

• “my goodness, you were an angel waaaay before i met you!”

• dazai knows his little stunt isn’t an instant cure to your humiliation, so he takes the initiative to add little sticky-notes to the back of each picture:

• i love you now, then, and always.

• you are a work of art.

• i like your tummy/thighs/chin/some body part you don’t like] in this one, it’s super cute!

• i love your body because it’s yours.

• etc etc. so you’ll never be able to look through the photos again without getting bombarded by reminders of his reassurance.

nakahara chuuya

• chuuya’s not as manipulative as dazai, nor as forceful about his opinions on your body.

• it goes down like this: one day he quietly wanders home lost in thought, pondering the sheep’s betrayal early on in his life.

• he’s so silent you don’t hear when he closes the front door and passes through the hallway.

• it’s when he walks into your shared room that he catches you holding your photos.

• you’re mortified as he runs to your side, panicking over your visible distress.

• “whoa, babe, what’s this? are you okay? your face is kind of pale.”

• chuuya stays silent as he lets you recount your personal shame.

• he nods and demonstrates concern as appropriate, gently touching your arm.

• each time you point out something wrong with a photo, he grimaces a little.

• he waits until everything’s out of your system to add his own perspective:

• “i understand. sometimes we can’t always be the ideal person we want to be. sometimes we look back and see all these flaws and imperfections we wish we could change... and just feel so embarrassed.”

• chuuya tells you all of this thinking about his own inability to be a proper leader when he tried to act as one in the past.

• but he doesn’t bring that up because this is about you, not him.

• “babe, i don’t mean to try and tell you how or what to feel, but i know damn well how i feel about this.“

• he wraps you in a tight embrace and cradles your head in one hand.

• “i know i can’t go back in time and prove it. i know that you can only take my word for it. but still—without hesitation—i’m sure of it.”

• “i’m sure that, even if i met you back then, i’d still fall in love with you. you are way more than your looks.”

• with that, he takes the photos from you and promises to return them soon.

• no more than an hour later, he does. the pictures are nearly organized in a beautiful, high-quality photo album with intricate scrollwork on its leather cover.

• handing the album over, he makes sure you understand that he accepts you as you are.

• his only hope is that you can accept yourself, too.

• when you thank him, he says that “it’s nothing...”

• “absolutely anything for my queen.”

#bsd imagines #chuuya imagine #dazai imagine #bsd headcanons #chuuya headcanons #bsd fanfic #dazai headcanons #bsd x reader #bsd hcs #dazai hcs

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iaintyourbro · 4 years

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Your first ask is me? I feel bad now your first ask is about a biased CA... :( I always see you out there writing great ideas and opinions on things! You deserve more asks! About my ask I know other people picked their favorite and all, but that's all they did. A VA is like saying all these things about A fixing C and shit and that's not it. That's not the story. That's not the game. She's putting wrong ideas in the fans/shippers heads while working for SE. I just find that a little pathetic. +

2/2 + but I won't e-mail anyone. That was just me being petty. And kind of joking too. (Sorry for my English)

Oh, please, don’t feel bad at all! I think it’s a great starting question to get me thinking. Also, your English is FANTASTIC. I assumed you were a native speaker!

I 100% agree with you on how she’s saying the wrong things. I didn’t even know she was going that far. Like I said, I really can’t tolerate watching her because it’s so extreme to one side.

Based on that, it sounds like she really didn’t play through the OG. It’s clear that Aerith doesn’t do anything to “fix” Cloud. Her job and her role is for the overall plot of FF7. She’s a very important character in that regard. Without her, the world is screwed (well, without her in the Lifestream but). Tifa legit is the only one that can help fix Cloud later on - by guiding him and letting him come to terms with everything on his own.

Did Aerith make Cloud a bit more open? Yes, absolutely. Every character that Cloud deals with develops him further, and I love that. It’s not just Tifa or Aerith. Barret. All of AVALANCHE gives him development. Marle gives him development. The Trio, Jules, all of them. It’s wholesome as hell that he really does listen and refers to things he’s learned later in the game. Watching him go from “Not interested” to being super worried about Wedge when he falls from the pillar is GOOD CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

I think Aerith teaches him some social skills - like high-fives. It’s silly, but Cloud was afraid to high-five. His persona won’t let him do anything that’s gonna make him possibly get rejected or hurt. It’s silly, but our boy is pretty messed up at this point.

She also teaches him sympathy. When she’s talking about Zack in the park she’s just SAD. I felt for her. I was really glad they did so much Zack/Zerith referencing in the remake. This isn’t to say he didn’t show any sympathy or concern before - he did notice a lot if Tifa seemed nervous or upset. This was more obvious, though, because he was pretty closed off from Aerith until she talked about Zack.

Cloud softens up when he realizes she’s sad about this unknown person who he isn’t allowed to know the name of, which to me is a huge improvement with how he dealt with things like that before. @silver-wield Did a full interpretation of the park scene that covers this in more detail. She also has one on the high-fives.

Him learning to listen to people instead of blowing them off, him remembering the lessons Tifa taught him at surviving life on the ground floor, (he asks her in Chapter 10 if following the stench is another lesson... as he’s smiling btw).

What actually will piss me off is people saying he was a stoic, closed off jerk until Chapter 8. It’s just not true. He grew a LOT from his first line to his last one in Chapter 7. Before Aerith. Then he continues to grow. Shipping who you want is fine until you start deleting parts of the actual story.

If the story didn’t go in the Cloti direction, I guarantee you I probably would have gone with whatever the final pairing was. I generally do. Squall and Rinoa, Yuna and Tidus, Celes and Locke, Rosa and Cecil. You know, the linear relationships.

The exception for me was Lucrecia and Vincent... cuz I just was so grossed out that she picked Hojo. DoC cleared up some of it, but still. I had head canon that Vincent was Sephiroth’s father yada yada. When I found out it’s canon that Hojo is - that there’s legit NO POSSIBILITY of Vincent being his father, I accepted it. I didn’t go online and start twisting the story and attacking people. It didn’t take away from my fan fiction enjoyment at all.

I assume it’s like people who ship Squall and Quistis, for example. Nothing in the game indicates this (he rejects her hard - “Then go talk to a wall”), but people do. That’s okay, I don’t enjoy that pairing (hot for teacher, anyone?), but I know people do. The differences with that pairing and C//erith is NOBODY GOES ONLINE AND FIGHTS THE FF8 STORY TO PUSH THAT SHIP. They don’t sit here and rip the story up, ignore parts, don’t play past certain parts/skip chapters/quests whatever. Then they start quoting things that were debunked long ago.

I am absolutely fine with shipping who you want. You just can’t change the actual story to fit it and then argue with facts. That’s what makes this brutal. I also don’t care if the VAs ship whoever. They just can’t put false ideas into the heads of fans. It either creates false hope for one side or anxiety for the other. It doesn’t end well, especially since people expect that she may know more than we do. They’ll take those comments to heart much more than a random person on the internet...

Also: I would not judge or look down on you for emailing Square, cuz I think it’s the funny kind of petty! I’d be that petty too, but probably never actually send it!

#cloti #cloud x tifa #cloud strife #ff7r #ff7 remake #ff7r spoilers #final fantasy 7 remake #final fantasy vii remake #tifa lockhart #ff7 character development #some ff8 #i can be petty #shipping wars #ltd #zerith

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tk-writer · 4 years

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Hello, I am back, again, for a part 2 to my rant cuz I read it again and while I gushed a lot before, I feel like I wasn’t specific enough with any of the things I wanted to compliment. I was too enthralled in just how much I loved (and still love) it.

Okay, first, Tsukki’s characterization. I love Yamaguchi, he’s my favorite character and you characterized him beautifully (so so so fricken well), but I feel like Tsukishima’s always been a bit more difficult. He’s more complex and nuanced, bless his annoying lil heart. And in a tickle fic, which is generally pretty fluffy and often a derivative of the actual characterization (to fit our Special Interest™), it’s pretty easy to make him immediately a lil OOC.

But you wrote him?? So perfectly?? (I’m using that word too much, I know, but I cannot think of a better one honestly) like the balance of this smothered affection and his external cool/aloof image is 👌🏼👌🏼 incredible. The way you describe his train of thought as he slowly loses the battle to his want to just go full Ler Mode sounds so well-characterized. And his TEASING. Taunting and teasing are such actual in-character components to Tsukishima as a character and the voice you wrote them in for him— I could hear it. Like, I know we’d never get a scene like this irl (😔) but the way his words taunt and pick at Yamaguchi with a specific accuracy to make him a little embarrassed and more sensitive, it sounds just like something he’d say. It didn’t once stray from a Tsukishima I could see in canon and I am just—floored honestly. Your Ler Tsukki is my prototype for him now. He is astounding.

The characterization in general too. This is a Tsukishima Yamaguchi story but down to Noya introducing the concept and Suga being a teeny bit chaotic and a tad mothering in his affection toward Yamaguchi. It just fits~

Also the concept. Lord knows a ‘coming to terms with liking it’ kinda tickle fic isn’t uncommon, but I just love the way this one progressed. Like, first of all, we get a dual lee/ler perspective, boo yah. Then, I dunno how to explain, but it’s like so natural? It flows. We live this experience personally so it’s very relatable and it doesn’t always turn out all butterflies and rainbows, but seeing shy lee Yamaguchi get acceptance and affection from his friends and emotionally constipated ler Tsukishima come to terms with wanting this type of affection and being comfortable enough in his relationship with Yamaguchi to pursue it? Then the mutual understanding that doesn’t come as a deep, adult conversation—because it wouldn’t be, not for these kids at this time in their life—but as Tsukki and Yama chilling together, observing, talking, and interacting like their long-lived friendship would have them do. Tsukki teases. Yama stammers. It’s the natural course of things and it goes on step by step until Tsukki is actually taking him apart and somehow I find myself wondering how this HASN’T happened yet in canon when it just flows so perfectly.

Not to mention the actual tickling which, as a member of the community and someone who’s written a fic or two occasionally, can get pretty repetitive and hard to describe after a while 😅 yet the way you described it was was so visceral. I wasn’t ever taken out of the scene due to an awkward description of body position or over repetitive description of the actual ticking. (Side note: the way you write the laughter-interspersed speech is adorable 10/10) Writing tickling is surprisingly difficult after awhile but I’d say from this that you’ve honed the craft quite nicely~

Okay, okay. That’s what I’ve got off the top of my head without having the fic beside me to analyze paragraph by paragraph so— In conclusion: talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular— all that jazz and more. I absolutely adore your writing on these two, and if you ever decide to do another I will be your personal cheerleader through it all. Thank you so much~

i'm

i just

asfjdhs ok let me start over

honestly, i wasn't planning on coming back to this blog anytime soon, if ever. i was ready to leave fandom behind and quit fanfiction writing forever, for reason i'll elaborate on later. but today i got an email about this ask (along with your first one, which i accidentally deleted like a dumbass and i'm so sorry), and after reading it at least eighteen times while tearing up i had to log back in to answer it.

i have never received such detailed and utterly specific feedback for anything i've written. ever. not even for my non fandom related works. lately, i've been feeling really self conscious about what i've written as well, to the point where i can't reread anything cuz i hate it so much, so reading this restored a lot of that lost confidence i had.

the fact that you took the time to type all of this out and tell me about all the little details you noticed and loved... it means the world to me. i worry about all the things you mentioned: making sure the pacing is just right and not too slow or fast, maintaining the relationship dynamics, the laughter and speech patterns, creating a scene that could happen in canon, keeping characters in-character, etc. so to hear that i did all of that right is so reassuring.

i know i'm taking this more seriously than i probably should, cuz after all "ItS jUsT a TiCkLe FiC", but this is important to me! it's my one talent in life and blessed feedback like this is what makes me want to continue with it!

this fic in particular was extra challenging to write too. the two-role perspective is difficult to get right, so i wasn't sure i was gonna be able to do it. i was especially concerned that Tsukkiyama was believable. i'm SO happy that you enjoyed my take on him! i was really inspired after reading another fic with ler!suga and lee!yama so i wanted to include them too.

anyway, before this gets super long too: thank you, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your kind comments. it makes me want to keep writing and to give up on giving up. people like you remind me why i love creating content.

#asks #long post #i'm actually in tears #sorry to be dramatic on main #this month has been hell but this gave me the push i need to keep going #thank you #so much

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5sosbitchfest · 4 years

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Reactions to Luke’s IG Story 6/14/2020

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I hate her as much as the next person but bi people in straight relationships are still bi

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I call bullshit on Messy being bi. Sorry, if she was bi, why didn't she come out earlier? Her 'haters'? Where? Also, Luke needs to learn the difference between supporting Pride and celebrating it while PR dating a fake ass 'bi' woman.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I also don’t think it’s fair to say Sierra has never been in a same sex relationship we really don’t know who she’s dated. This is a big problem in the LGBT community, when a bi woman is in a relationship with a man her bi identity gets erased. Halsey has actually talked about this a lot. While I agree that Lierra is not a queer couple, that does not erase Sierra’s identity as a queer woman, and pride is absolutely still for her to celebrate too 🌈

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: *i understand that it was Luke’s post but obviously she had input to post it.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Does Messy’s journey of her sexuality excuse her transphobia? Bc I don’t think so. She sure is selective about who and what she celebrates then. She posted that picture for attention, like everything else she does. It sounds harsh and if she wants to share her journey then great but let’s recognize and call it out for what it is. She doesn’t need to have Luke in a post to talk about her sexuality. Happy Pride Month to that person she purposely misgendered and attempted to invalidate.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: It’s not about disliking Sierra anon. She has only officially came out in a reply on twitter that she later deleted. That’s the only time it’s been mentioned. People struggle to come out and she tweeted and deleted it as if she actually wasn’t saying it. And now her boyfriend is the one essentially coming out for her? That’s what the issue is anon she has never openly said she was bisexual and now that it’s pride month she is? This is just the first time it’s being brought up& it wasn’t even her

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I don’t care that Luke posted good on him but him posting something for pride halfway through the month makes the other boys look inconsiderate for not posting anything

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm the anon that said the thing about "lets not make this into a mikey situation" I agree that it was a complete distraction tactic, and I also can not stand Sierra I was just trying saying that even with those two things in mind the post isnt harming anyone and so we shouldn't get mad at luke for making it.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I hate to admit it but I don't see Lierra ending anywhere near soon. Yes, couples don't last forever and still I don't think they will but let's be honest, he cares about her. Idk how things are in their life, and I hope he's happy, but I think she will stay around for this year and maybe a bit of 2021. 🙄

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Okey but was the "biracial" necessary? It made me cringe...

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I know luke can be cringy when it comes to Sierra but cmon haven’t we learn by now all the cringy stuff if from Sierra being on his account lol

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Sierra wrote that ... no caps, her grammar, fave chosen emojis etc totes her 10000000000% although glad acknowledging bisexual biracial but Angel? Angel by day and to stans but I thought she was the “late night devil”

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Something about Luke’s ig story doesn’t sit well with me... the fact that he felt the need to state that she’s biracial and bisexual just makes it look like he’s treating her like some kind of a trophy to show off, idk it just doesn’t feel right

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Why do L and S feel the need to make everything about S? This isn't about you, so shut up and actually get a job.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: “beautiful bisexual biracial angel” i’m gagging and laughing so hard yeah he 100% wrote and posted that himself /sarcasm

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I love luke and I'm happy if he's happy but the way Sierra clings to him in that photo is so gross. It really just feels like she's using him to do her dirty work. Like that post didnt feel genuine at all and it really seems like luke isnt even trying to convince us anymore he just does the bare minimum to make her happy. I dont blame him tho. Just feels icky.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: As a straight person, I hate straight couples and hope to never be cringe.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm sorry but that Instagram story that luke posted talking about his "beautiful bisexual biracial angel🥰🥺" does NOT (capitalize, underline and bold) sound like how luke would type something. The first part where he talks about how far we have to go sounds like him but not that that part.. not even close. Want to bet either sierra typed it, gave him the idea to say that OR did both cause we know she monitors him like crazy

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: "Bisexual biracial" is so unnecesarry. Luke, hon, shut up. People are out here fighting for their rights, and you feel the need and have the audacity to make it about your crazy ass girlfriend? Don't get me wrong, I love the boys, but making every fcking thing about your girlfriend-particularly luke- is not the point of these movements. So stfu Luke, stfu Sierra, stop making everything about S. That pisses me off, sorry I just needed to rant somewhere.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: is it just me or does the whole “beautiful bisexual biracial angel” not sound like him or something he’d say??? idk I’m kinda new to the fandom but it felt cringey reading that come from him

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Did you see what luke posted on his story? Seems him and Sierra are getting along great, smh. Also she's confirmed bi as well I guess. That's cool. Hope she doesnt use it as a weapon to defend criticism tho. Also did luke redo his hair cuz it seems very white again. Idk. Seems fishy. What are your thoughts? Do you think he was told to post that to distract from mike?

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: just when I was starting to forgive luke for his “response” to messy’s MESS, he goes and posts this... I’m TIRED

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: ok but as a lesbian it makes me sooo happy that Luke is celebrating pride and he's supportive of her sexuality 🥺 men never take bisexuality seriously and I love that he respects that. YET as someone who doesn't like s I'm like why....... like this week has been so frustrating and we were all like "they don't defend m bc they're in a sm break" and now he comes to post this and doesn't say anything? i just :(

allisonscarlett said to 5sosbitchfest: Honestly pride month came just in time cause I remember some stans saying that sierra is probably not bisexual and now there's luke insta story. I'm not trying to erase anyone's sexual orientation, I'm bisexual myself and I've found it weird that in the past years sierra didn't anything about her sexuality during pride month (and don't remember when she tweeted about being bi but I don't thing that it was in during pride month)

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: is anyone else getting"i can't be racist/homophobic because my gf is biracial and bisexual" vibes from lukes ig story or is it just me??? does he know he's digging a hole???

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: should we assume luke posted that in response to the insiders muke information? interesting timing on his part

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I honestly can't stand Luke rn. Angel? Angel???? ANGELLL????????????

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Okay but I don't think that counts as a "a straight couple thinking pride is theirs to celebrate". Just cause Sierra is in a straight relationship doesn't take away from the fact that she's bi, or mean she can't celebrate pride. And I think Luke wishing her and everyone a happy pride is actually a really supportive thing for him and again doesn't really count as a straight person thinking pride is theirs to celebrate, because he's focusing on her, not himself.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: “my beautiful biracial angel” i hate it here

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Gonna say something to MAYBE make some people happy. That picture was taken at a PROTEST. So they probably aren't together 😂😂 they were just together for the protest

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The biracial part of his story post is feeding into him being a king for dating a mixed person

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: ok luke did look very cute tho

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Every single time there’s any drama in the fandom, a new “cute” picture pops up and some people really think that’s goals? Like in what world is now the time for that kind of post, if it isn’t a direct pr response to the twitter mess of the past few days? Smh they’re not even trying to be subtle anymore

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: i think it’s fine for straight couples to go to and celebrate pride when one of them or both of them aren’t straight.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I was reading this blog a few hours ago and I read a post where someone said that everyone basically assumed sierra was bi bc of a comment and now Luke comes out calling her "bisexual" as if he was confirming it...Idk felt weird lol

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Bisexual biracial angel😭😭 who made him write that and thought people will take it seriously

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: have you seen luke’s story? “especially to my bisexual biracial girlfriend” i fucking CACKLED like is it how she’s supposed to be known for?

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: thank you luke for that ig post for it will keep messy ass kissers away from m mentions for a while

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Funny how you just brought up everyone saying that Sierra was bi just cause she said she loved men and woman and woopty do guess what luke put on his insta story. “My beautiful bisexual biracial gf” Luke I love you but 🤢

#kirby #luke #lemon #messy #Happy Pride

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natsunoomoi · 4 years

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Chinese Romance Novels in English

So by chance and obviously successful marketing, I’ve had a lot of web novel apps being advertised to me and out of boredom I downloaded one and got hooked real bad.

The first app I got I think I might delete because most of it seems like trash and was clearly like American wannabe writers. I kind of just read the first few chapters of one story that they happened to put into an advertised Facebook post and I just wanted to continue the story 1 or 2 chapters just to get off the cliffhanger, but the story itself actually isn’t that good and the character motivations seem kind of stupid. The main character also seems kind of like a Mary Sue where like she is just special by some huge coincidence of fate and it’s kind of annoying. Like the beginning part was alright, and then it took a sharp turn when the first guy she was into that rejected her decided for some stupid reason to challenge her new guy who accepted her and then when he claimed to not concede a fight to the death, he went absolutely apeshit and somehow it traveled into dark magic. Idek. Plus like...almost all the stories on that app for some reason have to do with wolf people and packs? Like it’s obviously some kind of trend inspired from Jacob and Twilight and I don’t even like that series. And in addition to that, it’s like on par with the famously former Twilight fanfiction 50 Shades where it has some really uncomfortable unhealthy depictions of BDSM relationships. Like it’s just kind of thrown in there for no reason...? Like whatever floats your boat, but you can totally write it in there in a more sensible way and not just like throw it in randomly. In that sense, maybe it’s actually worse than 50 Shades. Seriously a lot of the stories on there read like horribly written fanfiction by a 12 year old. I was 12 once and my stories then were no better because I had too many ideas and wanted them all in. That’s how much of a mess those stories are. This one I just mentioned is the better one. There’s another one I started reading that’s much worse that’s like a high school drama that I barely remember the story too, but I remember the person putting in a whole ton of One Direction lyrics, which I think is going to get the person and the app sued because lyrics are copyrighted and the writer shamelessly pointed out they are a Directioner and to unlock new chapters you need certain items that you can earn or buy and basically they’re definitely making money off of it.

But then similar to how I found this app, I found another app that had Chinese romance novels translated into English in the same way I found the previously mentioned app through a Facebook ad, which is cool cuz I don’t often get to read literally anything with main characters that are Chinese let alone Asian. Most of the Asian protagonist media I consume is from Japan and I just gave up on looking up anything in Chinese cuz I honestly didn’t know I could find any in English.

But damn, the quality of writing is rather good. The translations could use some work and consistency where sometimes the translator doesn’t know common English expressions or there’s grammatical mistakes in newer chapters or sometimes I think they’re speed translating too fast and accidentally mix up characters. But the story itself is top notch and suspenseful. I’ve been reading non-stop for the last week and a half and caught up and am awaiting new chapters. Sometimes there’s bits where character decisions are a little frustrating or like some of the plot twists are like again or like how come this person can’t catch a break, but I got invested in the story so quick.

There’s two in particular I’m enjoying right now. One is Irresistible Romance and the other is Thorny First Marriage on Bravonovel. It’s actually a bit pricey to charge for diamonds and pearls to continue the story, but I felt like it was worth it because I did want to read more and didn’t regret it. I actually started a third today just because I ran out of chapters in those two. Both are similar in that the male lead that the female protagonist is with or trying to get with is like a rich Chinese business man that is so well-known for their business acumen and power via their company that they can strike fear into the hearts of other people and companies. So there’s like some intrigue and like really fascinating maneuvers and media manipulation.

In Irresistible Romance, the main character is an actress that had a really shitty relationship with the loser President of her management company who was cheating on her with another actress and he had convinced his fiancee (the main character) to basically give up her life for him and help him to push the actress that he was ultimately having an affair with. The main character, Yan Wen, gives up the final straw when like he ditches her at the Marriage Registration Office for some lame excuse where he’s with his mistress and by chance the rich guy in this story shows up at the Registration Office and gets stood up by his own prospective fiancee although for him it was a random girl he picked from a pile just to satisfy his family getting on his case about not finding a wife. So basically because the main character grows a spine and decides fuck her fiance she’s not going to just take his bullshit, she asks the rich guy, Jiang Sui-an, if he’d mind marrying her. He totally accepts though and they get married on the spot. He seems at first to be kind of a cold-hearted jerk, but he’s actually super cool. Like he marries Yan Wen just to get his family off his back, but then after he does some research into his wife and finds her super interesting and as she begins her journey of trying to take back her life from her ex-fiancee and his stuck up bitch mistress, he like finds out and helps from the shadows and like realizes she’s actually super cool too. And then like through the whole process they actually fall for each other and are super sweet and have each other’s backs. They have a really beautiful and healthy relationship where they can each have their own separate lives and do their thing, but they get supported and help when needed.

It was so refreshing cuz like the rich CEO thing was like a huge fetish for sure especially after 50 Shades, but like a lot of people noted, that relationship was hella unhealthy. This story though, Sui-an lets Wen take her time fixing her career and life in her own way and like postpones announcing their marriage so she can set things right herself. He totally supports her space and her own decisions, but if he ever sees that she needs an extra boost or gets backed into a corner by some unexpected thing, he steps up and lends a hand. But ultimately he leaves everything up to her decision. And like on her end too, she’s totally a really good supportive wife and tries to make sure she doesn’t worry him too much and that he gets plenty of sleep and eats regularly, and she even tries to help him where she can with his work. They are so cute together. Along the way a lot of other people try to defame Wen or pull some shady entertainment world tactics, but she stays poised and lets the truth come out on its own or even does some defensive research and stuff. It’s so good.

Plus, writing-wise it’s really fascinating how they intertwine the online commentary tabloid headlines into the story so you can see different angles. And then when they write the antagonists’ sides they give you their internal dialog POV so you can understand the situation the best. The actual story and plot development is so good.

Then Thorny First Marriage, holy shit the intrigue. Plus for the most part, the main character is most like my personality only I’m not a former journalist. It’s just a lot of her reactions and sassy thoughts to things are really similar to me and how I feel like I would react if I was in her position. There’s a few times where she does things that I don’t think I would necessarily do or I would do things a bit more drastically, but so good and I identify with her. Writing-wise I don’t think it’s as good as Irresistible Romance because there’s been two times where they kind of forgot about something that they mentioned in an earlier chapter, so they have some issues keeping track of their plot twists, and there’s a few times where I’m reading like, “Why don’t you just tell them what happened and then they’d STFU?”

But yeah, this story starts out with the main character, Xia Zhi, waking up in the presidential suite of a hotel and not knowing how she got there and distinctly feeling like she was raped and finding some...remnants on the bed next to her. As the plot develops you find out that her asshole husband, who had never touched her himself for some reason and has the spine of jellyfish, sold her to some rich guy for 2 million bucks (she finds out later). What the actual hell? What kind of husband pimps his wife to another man?! And like she gets a pregnancy test later and somehow someone blabs to her mother-in-law and her mother-in-law totally doesn’t believe her and she knows that her son and her were never intimate, so she throws her out of the house. Then some dude that’s like some kind of secretary or assistant just comes by all stalker-like that appears to be from some rich guy that knows her and basically coerces her into going with them and going to some mystery safe house mansion. She’ll be cared for there by two staff, but she also tries to escape and find out who tf this guy is and if he’s the Dad. She still has a job and goes to work as a journalist, but gets assigned to interview some rich VP of a famous company. All the while she’s trying to get a hold of her asshole husband to find out what the hell happened to her that night she didn’t remember where she got super frickin’ drunk at his company party. This dick has been in hiding and trying to avoid her for some reason since that night and he finally calls back in the middle of her interview and because she’s freaking out about her unexplained pregnancy she unprofessionally takes the call. The rich VP, Sang Qi, ends up calling her boss and getting her fired, which I mean, obviously. That’s a thing where I probably wouldn’t have taken the call. One of the differentiating things between her and me. But how she reacts to being fired, yeah, that’s totally me. She runs into Sang Qi later at a rich people shopping mall shop and somehow manages to steal his phone and starts a plotline where she tries to use it as leverage to like get back at him and make a living for herself that also involves him being crafty and like kind of tricking her into some situations like confronting her ex-husband. And then like at some point she remembers a custom cufflink she remembered finding in the room she woke up in that one time and starts to wonder and suspect if maybe Sang Qi was the guy cuz he does have those kinds of things. And she like looks at the cufflink she has that she took from the room as evidence, but she has to do a direct comparison. He like uses GPS to find her mansion prison and tries to take back his phone and Zhi gets like even more suspicious that he is the guy cuz for some reason he knows how the balcony door at the place works even though it has a weird af lock, and they have witty banter and somehow he ends up staying over and she tries to sneak in his room at night to check out his cufflink but he catches her. And like hot damn, so much intrigue. After like a ton of frustration with trying to interrogate everyone around her about who the baby Daddy is she’s just like f it, I’m not going to be your baby incubator and tries to go get an abortion (I would’ve gone way sooner) and before they can start the procedure Sang Qi shows up and claims to be the Dad, and then afterward also takes care of her because she’s allergic to anesthetic. Since she knows who now they like stay together and stuff and she tries to question him about that night, but he actually has no memory of it either cuz he was super frickin’ drunk too. It’s just a lot of unanswered questions. And like since he’s supposedly the Dad, he tries to get closer to her, but she won’t let him really. There’s a lot of witty banter between them and like he even helps her out with her loser husband by getting him demoted. Over time they actually become fond of each other and like used to each other, and it’s really sweet. He actually is there for her and helps her on a number of occasions even though she doesn’t really trust him cuz of course he bought her right? But then little by little you see them really start to like each other and it seems like he might be more interested whereas Zhi is like more reserved because he’s her captor as far as she knows. But then just when you think that maybe they’ll get together, Qi disappears and then the process of him showing up you find out who the actual Dad is and a whole lot of family drama, and other drama where like you actually don’t know where Qi stands, and it like isn’t until like where I am that you find out he was actually upright the whole time. It’s so stressful but it’s so good.

There was a couple of times earlier one where there’s misunderstandings with other people, where I was like, dude, just tell the people your asshole husband sold you for money. I think they’d be more understanding of your situation if they knew.

And then like...for me, I like Qi and I came around to him after awhile, but like I suspected him and didn’t like him toward the beginning especially because he didn’t do or say anything that made him seem trustworthy. He never really lies except for one thing (about being the father), but also he like isn’t that truthful either, or rather, he doesn’t stop to actually explain himself properly which would have made Zhi not like freak out or mistrust him and would have made me not mistrust him. Like I shared a lot of Zhi’s fears because she was in an unfamiliar situation and being manipulated like a puppet by someone with money, and this guy claims to be the one that bought her like an object to be a baby incubator. I and the main character can’t respect that no matter how nice he is. If he admit he didn’t do it at the beginning it would have made all the difference. It’s a trek to find out who though. And at first even that guy sounds disgusting, but like where I am in the story maybe not? Like almost sympathetic.

The only one that I like really hate and disgusts me is her original husband. Like eww. He’s such a greedy asshole. And like later on you find out that actually he lied to her about how much he sold her for and it was actually more. What the actual fuck?! It wasn’t bad enough that you sold your wife for money, but you had to lie to her too about how much it was so you can hide the money from her? And for such a long frickin’ time he tried to coax her to come back and to not divorce him. What the actual hell? What kind of delusion is he living in?! But like also her original husband reminds me of someone I knew in real life when I was in uni. He was a friend of mine initially, but at some point he started making really uncomfortable jokes and it seemed like he liked me or something. I never viewed him that way, but we just hung out. And then at my uni because there was a huge rush to like try to figure out 2nd year housing, we arranged to do a co-ed roommate situation where like me and another girl and him and his friend would stay in apartment from our second year. To me that seemed normal cuz other friends of mine did that too because there’s only so many people you know and you have to try to snatch up and apply for apartments as soon as possible. There were long wait lines and I actually hadn’t thought about it until the last minute, so I didn’t see it as having much of a choice. But he started making cracks and fantasizing about neighbors and people misunderstanding and thinking we were married, which I didn’t find funny and how and why when there were other people we were living with too? It made me super uncomfortable and during the summer he was kind of like a stalker and tracking where I went so I just started avoiding him every chance I could. After awhile thinking about him made me feel physically ill. The next year after that my roommate decided to move out with two other girls into a different apartment (after unsuccessfully trying to make him leave). But the whole thing with how Zhi’s first husband was written totally reminded me of that guy. Especially with the lame excuses when confronted and stuff and not thinking and his unhealthy tie to his parents’ way of living.

That said, finding these stories are kind of like an unexpected comfort. I wish I could find someone as supportive as Sui-an or Qi. Especially when the men I’ve met in my life were just as bad as some of the other male characters or arguably worse. I’ve been bullied by the guys I fell for, I’ve liked some guys that were way too moody, I’ve had guys that liked me that were not creepy too, but I just wasn’t interested in them or the timing was just wrong, I’ve given up someone I really cared for because a mutual friend of ours crossed a line and then posthumously went kind of crazy from the grief, and I’ve met guys that were really fucking stupid and didn’t know how to act appropriately in a professional situation and actually sexually harassed and retaliated against me. I’m so tired and almost 4 years into living in Japan, I’m starting to realize that because of that last one, I think I gave up on my life because of trauma. Just hurt too many times, so don’t even think about love anymore cuz why bother? It took awhile for me to even be able to become a functioning human being again after the PTSD of harassment. I was really bad and freaking out because the guy that did it was so frickin’ stupid that he like wasn’t actually responsible enough to know the things he shouldn’t do and it was freaking me the hell out that he just didn’t know when he crossed a line. So I ran away to another country and tried to rebuild some semblance of a life for myself. Now my home country is a goddamn mess and I’d be in a worse position to go home, but at the same time, although my heart has healed enough to the point that I can function as a human. I am not at all motivated to look for anyone or let myself care for someone ever again. When I was younger I had so many dreams and really wanted a family. But now I am sad to say I have resigned myself to believing that that will probably never happen because I am apparently plagued by horrible people. I haven’t met horrible people since I’ve been in Japan, but I also don’t go out and talk to anyone other than co-workers and students because I’m busy and in my free time I want to introvert. It’d be kind of nice if I was lucky and had a kind of random chance like Yan Wen cuz like, I just can’t and don’t want to put up with low quality people.

That said, I was talking with my boss and co-worker the other day and we were discussing how China’s population problem with the bachelor society so there’s a lot of men but less available women to be their wife, so I was kind of wondering if that was also kind of how come so many modern day Chinese romance novels seem to involve a rich CEO. I suppose in China right now the chance that you could marry one is greater than anywhere else in the world because of the population problem, so maybe they’re trying to promote moving there and marrying them. LOL I’d be kind of suspicious of whether or not they’d be able to be like actually good husbands for real, but I suppose there probably is some sense of desperation.

And then because I ran out of chapters to read for today because I have to wait for them to translate more, I started another one about a Bossy Ghost Husband? It’s kind of creepy at the beginning, but the ghost husband thing has been something I was kind of curious about because you can marry the dead in China. But like for real I also wondered if youkai really are real or not and if you could unknowingly marry a youkai or something too, so basically it’s right up my alley too. And then also because my life is garbage I was like seriously thinking and wondering if it would actually be so bad to be single to the people who know you around you, but married actually to a ghost and have a ghost husband to go home to? Like would that actually be bad? I suppose in that same vein, it’s not much different from WoL having a secret relationship with Emet-Selch, but yeah.

Anyway, all of this gave me a lot to think about.

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falconemuses · 5 years

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HUUUUUUEEEEEEEAAAAAGGGGHHHHH

trigger warnings: it’s really not the main topic of the post, but there are a couple of suicidal ideation mentions

so clearly the personal diary blog died. i guess i’ll have to restart it sometime soon. but anyway. i talk here first. since i guess people read here for their News Involving Me. which is not much news, actually. my life is very routine. go to work, eat, mess around on the internet, go to sleep, rinse and repeat. honestly, writing blog more than anything is to help me remember stuff, especially entertaining stuff i can look back on years later and laugh at. i deleted my sec school blog, which makes me kinda sad, because my friends keep digging up gems from their blogs and i’m like holy shit i DID That?!?! i DON’T REMEMBERRRRRR and it makes me sad that i don’t have MY own POV of the incidences to reminisce about. so i try to keep one now so that when i’m 45 i’ll have stuff to laugh at. well, if i live to be that age. yes i know my life is infinitely better now that i’ve moved out and got a job and live on my own terms but trauma and suicidal ideation don’t just disappear overnight. every now and then i still feel like i’m so broken and no matter how good things get i’ll never be able to be properly fixed, i’ll never be able to be a proper human being who’s “in touch” with their feelings and all that and that i should just die. cuz feelings are just so like, eugh, argh, what is that?!?! it hurts. it hurts so much from how intense it is. even good feelings, like when i see my friends, it’s like oh god, i love you so much, i’m so happy to see you but it’s almost like the love manifested as one of those alien chest-burster things and is literally trying to tear its way out of my chest, it hurts. and i literally can’t even tell you how much i love you and how happy i am to see you because it’s all i can do to keep a straight face and not burst into tears which is utterly contrary to what i want to express. ugh. feelings. why must they beat you over the head with a baseball bat.

aaaaaanyway. so i already talked about this on facebook but since tumblr and facebook have totally different audience i shall repeat this with some changes. also because on facebook certain people follow me so i cannot very well say some shit so i’ll say it here.

official confirmations and paperworks and what not are months and months away and honestly life isn’t going to be much different no matter what outcome is but i’m just gonna say it anyway because i need to get it off my chest - i have applied for asd assessment. appt could be anywhere from oct 2019 to jan 2020 but i wish they’d get it over soon because i keep swinging between like “yeah, well, why not? might as well know now than when you’re like 50″ and “GOD you’RE DISGUSTING why would you even CONTEMPLATE the NOTION”. cuz there is this...acquaintance i have from sec sch, whom i Do Not Like, who luckily doesn’t follow this blog (i believe) who’s on the spec and like part of me is vehemently against the idea of being in ANY demographic in common with them. they also got a recent - well, not that recent anymore - dx and like - part of me just.......DOESN’T WANT to be seen as like, oh, so you’re gonna be like them, get a dx to excuse all your TERRIBLE behaviour over the past .....8? 9? years? and i know it doesn’t make sense - like, that’s absolutely not - look, whatever i am or am not i don’t expect nor want anyone to give me any slack for whatever “difficulties”, if i behave badly that’s all on me and i take full responsibility - gAAAH i am not making sense. like, sometimes i just feel dirty thinking about it. like my god why would you do that. only people looking for excuses would look for a dx well into their adulthood when they’ve had plenty of time to learn the ins and outs of human-ing. you doin this because you a lazy scumbag that doesn’t want to put in effort to learn the ins and outs of hooman-ing. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. i wish someone else (other than aforementioned Person I Do Not Like) was doing it with me so that at least i wouldn’t feel so absolutely disgusting. at least then it wouldn’t feel like excuse/attention-seeking behaviour because then i’d be able to look at this other person i like doing it as well and be like “well see it’s legitimate they have also learnt how to function as an adult human and they have friends and job but they are also doing this too so you are not a failure and a shit for doing this because THEY’RE not a failure and a shit, and they’re doing it too!” the good thing about long wait is that at least i don’t have to worry about should i cancel it or not. maybe they’ll call me when i’m in the dungeons lab and have no reception and my phone won’t register the missed call and then they’ll close the case, or maybe they’ll just plain forget xD

so that’s that, and inktober is coming, and the boss wants me to draw mouse brain lateral cross sections at different developmental stages for his upcoming paper; many many busy things, so i’m going to sleep now. hopefully i can get into the habit of writing at least a short entry every day so i have stuff to read when i’m 50. GOOD NIGHT.

#personal #text #tw: suicide ideation

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skylights422 · 5 years

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Thor 1 Rewatch Commentary

Having recently seen Avengers: Endgame, I was feeling the need to reminisce and revisit the beginning of my mcu obsession, which started and was most prominent with the first Thor film. The thing that stood out to me most during this rewatch was something I’ve always been fairly aware of, and that is the frankly excess ambiguity surrounding many of the character and world building elements of the film, most notably everything around Asgard and Loki’s character arc, so that will be the focus of this review. Before I dig into it though, I want to briefly go over my other reactions to seeing the film again:

- I forgot how fun Jane and co. were. They were all plenty likable, their actions made sense, Jane was a real go-getter and Darcy and Selvig both filled their roll well, and Jane’s scenes with Thor were actually pretty nice! Sure the pacing and generally confused focus of the film meant that their plot and development sometimes felt a little... jarring or slow? But that is more of an issue with the film’s structure in general and not so much an issue of how the characters were used/portrayed.

- THE MUSIC WAS SO EMOTIONAL AND GOOD OMG. It really made the atmosphere strong, and added a distinct kind of feeling to a lot of the scenes that seemed more...emotionally charged than the stuff that came later? At least from memory, I still need to rewatch the other stuff they’ve been in.

- My goodness have I ever missed how Thor was written in this film, I forgot how much I loved the more old-fashioned speech style that was kind of dropped Ragnarok onwards, and how much I enjoyed Thor as the well-meaning but arrogant prince who learned like, so much in a very short amount of time (maybe too much for 3 days lol but in fairness they were some fairly extreme days from Thor’s perspective and it can be read as being evidence of how much inherent goodness Thor actually had as well how spoiled he must have been for a few days of normal expectations and consequences to bring out such a difference)

- I missed Sif and the Warriors 3 being characters that were like! Acknowledged!

- I already knew this but this film really is more focused on character drama than action, but like it’s all scrunched up and/or alluded to character drama a lot of the time due to the short run time and aforementioned ambiguity so it really gives a kind of weird tone/feel to the film where a lot of the time you’re kind of just like, “huh????”. Or at least that’s how it was for me.

Okay! General thoughts out of the way, now on to the analysis, which I will put under a read more because the general thoughts got longer than I expected.

Alright. So from the beginning, a few basic things are made known. Jotunheim exists, Jotunheim once invaded Earth for Reasons Not Given, and Asgard exists as a realm that observes/protects the other realms (or at least Midgard) from the Jotuns/other threats but really the jotuns because at this point they are the only threat discussed as being a Thing. Then we obviously see Thor and Loki as kids; they themselves don’t really interact with each other in the scene, but they interact with Odin and a few generalizations can be made. Thor was more confident and aggressive/assertive while Loki was more nervous/insecure and more observant (he asks for more info about the Jotuns, Thor makes a quick decision about what to do about the Jotuns).

So far so good as far as intros go - but then things first start to dabble in ambiguity, both from a ‘first time watching’ perspective and ‘in hindsight’ perspective. First off, the first time viewing perspective: Odin says Thor and Loki were ‘both born to be kings’; is this...metaphorical, and supposed to be comforting to Loki as the second born that he can be a king in spirit? Is it supposed to be a world-building element to show Asgardian monarchies have their children compete for the throne instead of automatically assigning it to the first born? It’s unclear, but which it is definitely influences how you perceive the later parts of the film (did Loki have a real chance at the throne in theory but Thor was still always talked about in a ‘when he is king’ way, making the supposed favoritism seem more blatant? Or did he know from the get go he wasn’t meant for the throne due to tradition and only really ever competed for Odin’s approval, which leaves more room for the favoritism to be more perceived/due to miscommunication)

Now the ‘in hindsight’ part of the scene that is kind of ‘???’. First off, Odin nowhere corrects Thor on the Jotuns being monsters (he wouldn’t have had to get angry or anything, it would have been easy to fit in a correction with his general ‘don’t seek war’ message), which when you first watch it is like ‘okay these are the Generic Bad Guys of the film so we aren’t supposed to feel anything for them, suspension of disbelief sure they’re evil ice monsters got it’ but when you know that Loki is a Jotun and that his trying to kill the Jotuns is supposed to be the big thing Thor stops him from doing at the end of the film it just seems weird.

On the character building front it doesn’t make Odin look great and shows that Loki didn’t get his later anti-jotun sentiment from thin air I guess, but from the narrative perspective why the heck would you introduce a group of people as ‘evil cuz evil’, have one of the main characters learn he was born one, and then have said main character’s primary villainous act be getting rid of the ‘evil cuz evil’ group of people without doing anything in the film at any point to humanize the supposedly evil group or prove to the viewers that Odin and Asgard was actually wrong in their view of them. Like, it is a no-brainer that genocide is an atrocity, full stop, but despite that being Loki’s worst crime in the film objectively it’s the one that evokes the least amount of feeling and the one that almost no one in the film gets mad at him about or betrays him for. Thor tries to stop it in the end, but this like a Fresh Hot Take for him and apparently the rest of Asgard too, because when Thor was banished it wasn’t for killing dozens of Jotuns for no reason, it was for bringing war to Asgard - because then Asgardians would suffer. Only that’s not really addressed and no one in Asgard is ever called out for thinking of the Jotuns as monsters, and when 80% of the good-guys are on board something and nothing contradicts them, it’s kind of hard to get mad at the villain for doing the same thing even if you know by all means you should. (Also another reason the film needed to be longer, we see Thor learn humility and it is done very well, but there’s no real conversation about seeing other species as lesser unless we assume it was covered with the blanket statement of ‘I had everything backwards’)

The next point of ambiguity I want to bring up in keeping with a loose chronology of the film is ‘Loki in part 1 of the film, also, Sif and the W3′. The first real scene we see adult Loki speaking is when he talks to Thor after the coronation is ruined - before that he just observes all of Thor’s conversations with Odin. Here it is pretty much impossible to say with any Real Certainty if Loki was trying to edge Thor on into making an extra stupid decision or if he was just trying to be placating and actually get things to calm down afterwards, because there’s loose evidence to support both interpretations. On one hand, we do eventually find out Loki let the Jotuns in in the first place, so it isn’t far-fetched to assume this was part 2 of Proving Thor Needs To Not Be King Right Now. But on the other hand, at this point Loki had already basically achieved his goal - the coronation was postponed, and Odin told off Thor for poor ruling decisions which kind implied Odin was reconsidering the idea of crowning him so soon - and we know Loki wants to be validated by his family so it also makes sense to assume he was trying to just stay on Thor’s good side (this is, admittedly, a more likely assumption to make with the extended version of the scene where Loki much more obviously reacts to being included by Thor and then stands to voice his support of him, but it can still be drawn from the scene as is in the film as well).

On the subject of the W3 and Sif, since we see almost no other Asgardians outside of the royal family and Heimdall, I assume they are supposed to represent a bit of what the average or majority of Asgardians think/how they view things. This is important mostly because they make a few view-points clear in regard to how they (and so presumably People) see Thor and Loki. First off, they do tease/belittle Loki a number of times, and again due to lack of context it’s wildly unclear on if this is well-intentioned teasing that Loki takes too personally (since the W3, esp in deleted scenes, do rib each other quite a bit) or if it comes from genuine disrespect/malice (Loki IS a prince and most of the other ribbing doesn’t end in the teased one falling silent, so it is possible but again, unconfirmed). Secondly, they clearly worship Thor a bit and don’t see anything wrong with his arrogant and violent behavior (they don’t really see anything wrong with Thor starting a war other than inconvenience, and they want Thor back from Earth right away even though that would fix pretty much nothing, maybe they thought they needed their best fighter for the war but that is never brought up so it comes off more as them just being unhappy with the sentence in general). They also blatantly distrust Loki - they assume he is a traitor because he has magic and because... he’s Loki, I guess, but especially as a first time viewer it just seems like total paranoia since we haven’t seen anything to support their view.

Which leads me to a specific line of theirs: ‘Loki’s always been one for mischief’. Most writing advice says to ‘show, not tell’, and while there are obviously moments where telling is fine or even better than showing, this is an instance that would have been infinitely better to show rather than just tell. Mischievous how? To what extent? Since when? Kid Loki seemed obedient and quiet. Everything about Adult Loki we see in the film is either reserved or desperate, not mischievous (deceitful absolutely, but that isn’t the same thing). In fact unless you include the deleted scene where Loki makes wine into snakes to spook a servant that was laughing at him (which, is a pretty minor, albeit petty, instance of mischief), Loki doesn’t actually do anything for the sake of mischief at all in the movie. It just seems like a really weird decision to write a character known broadly for being mischievous, have him not act out of mischief once in the film, but still include a single line telling us that actually is mischievous, really, so suspecting him of treason makes sense, yeah?

Like, Sif and the W3 literally betray Loki, who was supposedly their friend(-ish) and currently their rightful king not because they have any proof of misdeeds (they only suspect him about the Jotun thing, they don’t know about Loki lying to Thor, and this is BEFORE the Destroyer was sent or Jotunheim was being destroyed, which we don’t even have hard evidence that would have bothered them) but because...they don’t like Loki and Really Don’t Like that Loki won’t bring Thor back, I guess? The way it’s framed they might also be assuming he did something to Odin and/or Frigga to get the throne but like...where the heck would that assumption even come from??? There’s nothing on-screen to back that up other than the ominous camera-work (and again, the deleted scene provides possible textual evidence that Loki was given the throne by Frigga after Odin fell asleep and did not expect to gain anything throne-related to de-crowning Thor). Also I am really unclear on if Heimdall deciding to behead his current king for tricking him/messing with inter-realm defenses is culturally appropriate or not, but from an uninformed viewer’s perspective it seems like a wild overreaction, which is another thing that could have been built on (in general Asgard’s culture could have been explored more like, a lot).

As for the second half the film/the final battle, my main question in hindsight was ‘what...exactly was Loki OR Thor expecting to gain from their confrontation???’ because Thor entered the arena basically just going “What the heck? What the heck!?!?!?!?!?” and Loki was in full-scale mental breakdown mode so I kind of don’t think he was planning anything coherently at this point, aside from maaaaybe stalling Thor long enough to let Jotunheim be destroyed (except, he didn’t really see that as something that could even be done and was visibly shocked to see Thor trying to break the Bifrost, so probably not even that). It just makes, narrative-wise, for a really weird final fight where neither combatant has any real Desired Outcome (Thor is kind of trying to talk Loki out of his freak out while also wanting to talk/argue about the whole Destroyer thing, but is too out of the loop and hot-headed to do a very good job at this and Loki I think just wants to vent/panic/finish his plan). And I mean part of that does play into the tragedy element of the story, but it also plays into the overarching ambiguity of the entire film.

I think...those are the main points I wanted to cover? More or less. Conclusion: I love the film to pieces but it is a structural dumpster fire that leaves way too many major character and world-building elements up to interpretation. And yet also this was the golden days and I miss them and have too many thoughts about these characters. But still, narrative anarchy at least half the time. SO THAT’S THAT.

If I missed anything or you want join the discussion or ask me anything regarding Thor, Loki, and their arcs absolutely feel free to do so!

#thor #marvel cinematic universe #loki #mcu #thor 1 #mcu meta #analysis #kind of negative?#but also I adore this film so kind of positive?#mixed feelings #so many mixed feelings

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peacestarrlove · 5 years

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im just not in love with him anymore...

I love my boyfriend but I haven’t been in love with him in so long. I keep telling myself it’s just a phase or bump in the road, and I’ll be in love again soon.

But it’s been almost 2 years..and I’m not so sure anymore.

2 years ago he told me the truth about a lot of things he was lying about. It was the 5th year of our relationship and I felt like since I loved him so much we could work through it. I could forgive him and trust him again.

And I did. I forgave him and I trust him and I love him. But I’m not in love with him.

It feels almost impossible to break up though. We’ve been together almost 7 years and I want him in my life. I know i would miss him.

There are just some things that don’t sit right with me, and I truly don’t know how I could be with him the rest of my life. Maybe I’m being petty. I don’t know. That’s the hard part when you don’t have any family or friends to talk to and you isolate yourself. right and wrong get confusing.

I hate listing these things about him but I really need to get them off my chest:

•he’s not in the moment, usually in his head. he constantly asks me to repeat myself cuz he wasnt listening. Even when he just asked me a question?...and before this problem he would barley listen to me and I would be endlessly upset and feeling lonely. Now atleast he tries to listen but asks me to repeat myself so much constantly it’s..just a lot everyday. He will even wake me up and kiss me good morning I love you and I’ll say good morning I love you too and he’s like “what? Huh?” From the moment I wake up and it just kinda ruins my day. Reminded of what I’m about to go through all day before I even open my eyes. It’s like he’s in autopilot?

•he doesn’t remember..pretty much anything properly, if at all. We’ve been together since we were 16 and when we recall memories together he can rarely remember anything. Anytime I bring anything up, he asks multiple times “are you sure? You’re sure that happened?” And it drives me crazy. Not only does he make me feel like he doesn’t believe me, he really doesn’t remember. And it makes me feel so alone..

I know the memory one probably sounds crazy but he really doesn’t remember things. Like even tonight, we had dinner with my dad and my dad had told us a joke. My boyfriend told me the joke a few hours later and was in disbelief when I finished the joke? He was like “i seriously don’t remember you being there when he told it”.

This event is pretty much what triggered this vent no one is ever gonna read but I need to fucking write it. I’m going insane tbh. And I know this sounds small but this memory thing happens daily with a lot of memories, small and big. it’s just heartbreaking. He’s the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but what’s the point if he never remembers anything?

•lack of understanding and sympathy for others. I have to give so many examples and explain so much for him to finally understand why certain things are hard for people/animals. I feel like he should have this basic understanding and I’m tired.

•he checks out minors, and I’m talking young minors (like 12-14) and obviously any age under 18 is terrible but that young wtf?! it scares me and when i confront him he just gets really angry and says he can’t help it?? literal children holding their moms hand sometimes..and i didn’t know about this til last year when he told me and it disgusts me to my core. i guess im a naive oblivious idiot??

•he doesn’t care how bad my anxiety is in public, now matter how much I tell him.

He knows I have a hard time going to public places. And we will be walking up to one and he starts saying out loud “oh I see their fire monitoring system..i know how to shut that down, turn the water off..light the building on fire HAHAHAH” like??? Not funny at all. People always stare. It makes me feel so awkward. He says he likes the attention. I tell him it makes my anxiety go crazy and please stop making these “jokes”. He never did. He even made one tonight when we pulled up to our hotel and parked by the backflow.

•he’s into MILF porn and tells me it’s cuz he “used to” fantasize about being with his mom... obviously he still fantasizes about his mom. he asks me to watch porn with him (even though it makes me extremely uncomfortable) and then he puts on MILF and I’m just like great you’re fucking me while thinking about your mom. Then I’m laying there trying not to vomit. So he either likes children or moms. Tf.

•he shows major irresponsibility with our cats and it makes me feel like what would happen if we had children. I really don’t wanna have kids with him because he’s so irresponsible and idk how I can be with someone forever that I can’t raise a kid with. Plus even more scary, is he gonna be perverted if we have a daughter?

•I’ve accomplished many things since we’ve started dating(so has he) but the last two years I’ve been in a very dark depression and I feel like he’s barely noticed/cared. I haven’t accomplished or done much of anything for almost 2 years. Which led to me being vocal about my depression and anxiety which isn’t something I normally ever would have done(I’ve struggled with it by myself my whole life). But I just can’t get out of this slump. I don’t blame him for me feeling this way at all, I just wish he showed compassion or atleast notices how different I am now. Especially on days that are really tough and I don’t even get out of bed...

The sad part is I wrote so many more bullet points but I kept deleting them. I could go on and on and on but I feel sick with every one that I write. Maybe because I know this could mean breaking up with him and idk if it’s the right thing or if I can do it. I just know I’m so unhappy. And it’s hard to gain perspective. Especially since he’s not all bad, obviously. He’s my best friend and I love him. I spend every day with him. I just can’t ignore these things. My family laughs at how much I can ignore the crazy shit he does but it’s really not funny. I’m blocking it out because I can’t stand the pain anymore.

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junkobears · 6 years

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Here Lies Dreaded V3 Discourse

So I have seemed to cause a huge kerfuffle in the hardcore Ouma conspiracy theorists standom, and a banal (if condescending, but seeing the response to it honestly justifies it more than anything now. “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it”, you better believe I can take it and will now PROPERLY dish it out right back at you) comment about one of Tsumugi’s anime references has led to someone launching a hilariously personal attack at me for Daring To Disagree With A Theory That Was Posted On A Public Website. Someone who I wasn’t even initially responding too, at that. And has now blocked me before even allowing me to respond and clarify my original comments. Don’t want to deal with the consequences of being a repugnant, rude person I guess? Shock and surprise for Tumblr.

The link to the post is here, but I’ve taken the liberty to screenshot it just in case it gets deleted later, in hope that maybe there’ll be some reflection on this person’s part that this really is not an acceptable way to respond to people who have a dissenting opinion? Anyways, I will be responding to the personal attack post and that will be the last time I interact with this group, because clearly it’s not worth it to actually have a discussion about our respective ending theories. I ain’t got time beyond this for tedious insecure fucks these days.

Anyways, my response is under the cut to save my poor followers’ dashes. Sorry to drag drama onto my blog but I can’t really let this slide. I’m also tagging @jacks-plays-drv3 just because I assume the twin comes with the other with these two, and I want my response to have been seen.

Screenshot In This Link - This post is long enough without the image taking up more space, haha.

Let’s start with this mess, shall we? And I will go into painstaking detail.

Paragraph 1: So this already starts off with a whole lot of needless aggression and projection. So I’m not even going to attempt to be nice back. But: maybe I haven’t proven anything because I literally had not typed up a response to clarify my original comments @ Jacks yet before the rabid attack dog was unleashed? Like, there was literally no attempt from you to have a discussion that was a genuine offer from me, I was not out to get you actually. I also honestly just laughed at being called shallow, JUST LIKE THAT HORRIBLE CHARACTER TSUMUGI SHIROGANE right off the bat as well. That’s a compliment really, honey. Weirdly I don’t share the same opinions as you do. Tsumugi is my fave and unlike you I actually think about and HAVE analyzed/discussed her character in detail previously, which I would’ve been happy to share had you not immediately went into Blind Raging Idiot Mode. Guess we can’t have it all, huh?

As for needing proof that she makes the Flashback Lights... nevermind the CG that literally shows her making them during Chapter 6, but do you have proof that Monokuma is the person who makes the Lights instead of just placing them for the students? I doubt it, somehow. Cuz a lot of your theories don’t actually have any concrete proof. Quelle surprise. Probably why anyone not immediately on board with your headcanon gets you so goddamn angry, huh? Cuz it’s completely baseless and you know it at heart.

As for the Ouma comments, actually I have read the assorted creator comments regarding his character even if you like to believe I’m a slobbering moron who turned my brain off as soon as I finished V3, so yes I already know that his name was chosen to sound mastermind-like. Maybe this was to emphasize and make his fake mastermind reveal appear more legit on first read? JUST A THOUGHT, SWEETIE. You know the entire fucking point of Chapter 5? You’re so slavishly devoted to your theory that you actually are incapable of reading the basic fucking text from the actual game, but again. Not a surprise. Considering what I’ve read from your blog (really, who are you again? I only knew Jacks’ blog from before all this, so you taking such a personal offense at my comments is honestly hilarious but baffling at the same time. It ain’t all about you, babe.)

As for the lab door, here’s an simpler explanation (Occam’s Razor, look it up): The star sign constellation pattern was there as a hint for the player to connect Ouma’s messages from his dorm room to the vault in Amami’s lab once its opened and you can see the star signs in there. Or perhaps it was designed like that by TDR to make the students make that connection as well in the original script and think that Ouma was the mastermind cuz of the connection to Amami’s lab? Literally, there are a lot of possibilities, cuz it’s a NOTHING DETAIL THAT DOESN’T ACTUALLY MATTER IN THE BIG PICTURE. Considering Kodaka’s track record with writing these games I don’t actually believe it’s anything major, personally. He doesn’t really strike me as the type to hide this completely separate story underneath the actual story we got, and with such vague nothing “”””””””””””clues””””””””””””. You and Jacks do yourselves (well you already do cuz you love to jack yourselves off with how CLEVER AND BETTER you are than the rest of us plebs), sure, in believing otherwise (You have way too much faith in him as a writer. Or you’re desperately trying to pretend V3 wasn’t poorly written cuz you don’t like the Ch. 6 twist) but also realize that its nothing more than extrapolation on your part that it actually means anything beyond the.... SHALLOW (horror scream) connection given in-game.

And really, who the fuck cares if it doesn’t match the title of ‘Supreme Leader’? It’s already a ridiculous talent as it stands already. The entire point of his character is that everything about him, his motives and his talent is contradictory and weird. That’s why I like him, actually. He isn’t an abused martyr who never lies like you goons believe and he also isn’t the evil monstrous chessmaster some of the fandom thinks. It’s Complex Motives™ .

Anyways moving on. Pointing out an anime reference =/= DISREGARDING PEOPLE’S ANALYSIS. Pointing out that most of the plot leads up to and supports the fiction twist =/= uncritically agreeing with everything Tsumugi says. Actually, after examining the game’s story for myself I came to the conclusion that all the clues in it really only support her version of the story, really. There are a few things I think she lied about, but it is not CONCLUSIVELY proven she lied in my opinion and so I don’t really give a fucking toss until new canon comes out and reveals more of the V3 story. Oumatwin don’t real, gurl. If there was actually anything in-game beyond one obvious joke line in the NON-CANON!!!!!!! bonus mode supporting that he existed, maybe I’d respect your theory more. Even though you don’t deserve respect after your little tantrum.

Paragraph 2: Jesus I already am investing way too much time into this response at people who don’t actually deserve it, oh well. But laughing hard at the attempt to try and act as if you weren’t being a snobby asshole with your comments. Again, HUGE AMOUNTS OF PROJECTION at me about things I literally have never done and said. I have never interacted with you or Jacks prior to my initial comment. No fucking clue why you brought up the SaiOuma shit, cuz I don’t even LIKE Saihara as a character and don’t like that fujobait ship in the slightest? But I guess it’s easier to assume that all your critics are the exact same fucking person with the same opinions, so you can feel more persecuted, huh? You literally did not even wait for me to respond or check my blog that would’ve easily disproven these dumb-as-fuck assumptions. And get off the fucking high horse (pun completely intended), you lot are not the only people in this fandom who are capable of critical thought. How completely self-obsessed can you be?

For someone who claims to have a lot of critical thinking skills compared to this nasty fandom, you really are terrible at parsing other people’s words. You fucking know when I said “group of anime fans” that I was referring to Team Danganronpa, the organization literally mentioned in game as running the game. The group Tsumugi is part of. She literally has a company badge FFS. THEY ARE ANIME FANS. THEY ALL STARTED KILLING GAMES CUZ THEY ALL LOVE THIS SHITTY SERIES. I can’t believe this had to be explained. And the rest of this paragraph word salad is the most pedantic argument. It’s really not hard to believe an organization in this series would have access to all this tech. And yes, it’s a popular TV show in-universe, of course it’ll have funding. And the whole damn point of the ending is that the V3 world is consuming fiction the wrong way by having real-life killing games, missing the entire point of the DR series and fiction in general? What’s your actual point?

Paragraph 3: Again more assumptions, I wasn’t ‘crying’ about being called gullible. I was just pointing it out as part of your extremely unnecessary smug dismissal of my post. That you really haven’t disproved at all, btw. Honestly the childish response you both had to me just makes me laugh out of pity more than anything. And if I was really upset I wouldn’t have offered to have a discussion with you or even continued to reply after Jacks initial (vague) post about what I said. So don’t put words in my mouth. And yes my analysis was not completed in my initial comments. It’s Tumblr fucking replies, I can’t fit the entire fucking dissertation of Tsumugi opinions in there for you to jeer at in there. Again, I offered to share my opinions and got this as a response, so lol. You are your own worst enemy when it comes to trying to get people to take you and your theories seriously.

Paragraph 4: Especially since you immediately jump to PULLING THINGS OUT OF YOUR ASS (seriously, fucking snorted at this part. I want this whole diatribe on my fucking gravestone. It’s by far the most hilariously petty thing ever said about me on this site.) instead of letting me explain my position. If you just want to be in the creepy cult Oumatwin echo chamber you should’ve just said and blocked me ASAP instead of word salading vague bullshit justifications for why actually people who disagree with you are just stupid crybabies who can never hope to understand your genius. Again, my initial comments didn’t whine about not being taken seriously at all, I was pointing out the hypocrisy/rudeness is all. And again, get off the high horse about critical thinking. I have thought about Tsumugi’s character and how she relates to the over-arching plot and how truthful it is, and the overall ‘mystery’ of V3 (spoiler: there is none. it was all solved by chapter 6). I have thought about this game. In fact I dedicate too much time to critical analysis of this series that doesn’t actually deserve it cuz lately I find Kodaka to be a hack writer. Your assumptions are flat-out wrong, dear. And AGAIN. I WOULD’VE. SHARED AND DISCUSSED IN MORE DETAIL HAD I BEEN GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY. But rude fucks gonna vomit shit out of their mouth cuz they have literally no self-control and have meltdowns at the slightest difference of opinion, I guess.

Your extreme hatred for Tsumugi as a character truly shines through. Clearly no thought has been put into her from your end, even though you and Jacks rage about people not taking Ouma seriously as a character. Double standards as always with fujos. Nothing I’m not used too, she is incredibly unpopular in this fandom. And everyone is entitled to their own opinions. So I’m not even mad at that. I have never said otherwise. Even you and Jacks are valid in having your own theories and thoughts. The ending of V3 is designed entirely so everyone can analyze the game for themselves and draw their own conclusions about the story and themes. That’s the whole point. Even though I personally dislike that as a writing decision on Kodaka’s part because I would prefer the story to be conclusively ended and the epilogue is a giant turd that misses the entire point of Chapter 6 and enables shit (anal pun intended, dumbass) like this to start spreading as “Analysis”. But hey, to each their own.

However I will not be interacting with either of you again after this post though, even though I was willing to discuss beforehand, because you both have shown yourselves to be incredibly vile with the way you approach other people in this fandom, and especially those who don’t share your conspiracy theory. Despite the absolutely ironic comments I’ve seen from Oumanous in their later, also terrible posts about how you need to understand your opponent before engaging, which they literally failed entirely to do before engaging the firing squad at me and other commentators who responded. So much for the sanctity of discussion, huh? Enjoy your circlejerk. Everyone else who follows me in this fandom though? Please consider blocking these two if you are also a sane human being who is capable of polite discussion/disagreements. They are not worth your time otherwise. They were really not worth my time writing this post, but I felt I had to say something.

In conclusion: Out with the both of you.

#fandom drama #V3 spoilers #long post #i cant believe i have ended up in dr fandom discourse #i have sunk so low lmfao #allowed to reblog this post also I dont mind #unless you are the two chucklefucks this post is about #out. with you.#but I will not be afraid to stand up for myself when I get shit like this #anyways its done bridge burned

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justanotherangryartist-blog · 7 years

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Everything wrong with me.

hold on to your seats folks, this is gonna be a hell of a list.

disclaimer: I don't promote self hate, I'm merely trying to come to terms with my own issues. if you feel anything like I do, I suggest you seek out professional help, tell your loved ones and hold on. they say it gets better and for your sake I hope it does. be strong everyone.

......

so lets get right into it shall we

ill start by saying these are both mental and physical flaws I have that have dragged me down and I feel that if I say them out loud, or even type them, it'll hopefully hit home cuz lord knows I need a right kick up the ass right now

1. I'm impatient.

let me clarify this, I know it seems pretty easy to get but bare with me. I mean impatient in both the normal sense that I hate things taking time and in the way that the worse my depression gets the more I want instantaneous results, I make fictional plans in my head with very precise deadlines and time frames in which to get certain tasks done. if they don't happen I get very upset even though these are fictional situations I am imagining. I also cant make myself do things in actual life if it falls out of what I call the “ideal time” which basically means if its not initiated or done all together within a certain time frame? its not getting done at all, like ever.

2. I have an addictive personality.

yeah, we all know this can be bad, even those of us with it but we somehow manage to full people into thinking we got it under control, that we are just passionate. which is total bollox and we know it. for example, I get addicted to people, which is a huge problem as I tend to put them on a pedestal and when they don't live up to this or do something bad or cruel, instead of getting mad then moving on, my whole world with crumble, because at the time, they would've been my world. it doesn't just end there. I never really let go.

3. I’ve got a gambling problem.

this is both in the lottery, scratch card and such kinda way and the more dangerous way of ill gamble with things such as people and relationships. I just had to delete the lottery app from my phone just before I started writing this post because I know how bad its getting, I wasted money that I should've been saving since I'm out of work on lottery games cuz the mere tiny chance that I could win money and make my situation better was worth it in my eyes. I even stole money from my ten year old brothers piggy bank when I had no money in my account to bet and I had to go to the shop to buy a lottery ticket. the worst part is I had no remorse or regret at the time. I also gamble with relationships I've had, pushing boundaries just to feel the high, flipping the metaphorical coin to see if I'm gonna get lucky or not and continuing to flip it till its all gone to ruin.

4. I eat away my pain.

I'm severely obese for my age and the only reason I can still move is because of my fondness of walking. I gorge on food to stop the thoughts in my head. the easiest way to explain it is when you're watching TV and eating crisps and you have to pause the TV cuz you cant hear it over the sound of the crunch of the crisps. its deafening. the more I eat, the less I hear the thoughts coursing through my mind telling me how much of a failure I am. the more weight I gain the more withdrawn I get, the less I change out of pyjamas because nothing fits, the less I wash or put on makeup or do anything because giving a shit means excepting what's happened and what people see.

5. I overshare.

not just my problems, but everything. infact I tend to warp my own problems somehow when I talk about them so they don't seem so bad and then I drown out my own concerns and others peoples lack of understanding by just chatting to fill the silence. people hate it. or atleast that's the vibe they give off. even my parents, always asking if I'm done yet or why I didn't use up all my words during the day. I just cant stop. the more people don't get what I'm trying to say (which is a lot cuz I never really know how to talk about my actual emotions) the more I talk rubbish. then theres times when I'm talking about something that makes me happy to the point of excess and I just get so mad because nobody understands that the only reason I'm doing so is this is the only way I know how to put emphasis on “ok this makes me happy, be happy that I'm happy, help replicate this feeling”. I hate that I'm like this.

6. I don't know how to tell people how I'm feeling.

I hide behind my sense of humour a lot because I just don't know how to explain why I feel the way I feel, like the world makes no sense why my emotions change so rapidly, why I'm scared to sleep in my on room anymore why I avoid talking about the future because I live minute to minute not knowing what the next hour brings but if you say these things people just get upset and say things like “are you taking your medication?” “why don't you just talk to someone?” “why don't you try x, y and z” when all I want is someone to sit there, understand me and be like “I get it, and here's what WE ARE going to do and then you will be better. it doesn't work like that though, so I don't say anything, because what's the point of voicing a problem if you don't have a solution right? then you just sound depressed and no one wants to hear that.

7. I lose faith in my own ability. a lot.

I normally like to think I'm a good artist, that I'm great at makeup, that I'm good with children, that I'm a good listener, that I'm a good writer, that I'm wise that I'm smart that I'm clever. I don't think that much anymore. see a seed of doubt was planted in my mind and my issue was I was the one that let it grow. I lost my mojo with my art because nowadays I do it in hopes I can sell my pieces online to pay something off, this fact then triggers a chain reaction that leads to me doubting its selling potential, that my works not good enough at all, that being commercial would kill my talent, that I have no talent at all, that all my works shit and then all I can think about is painting USED to make me feel good. now its tainted by thoughts about my lack of talent, my lack of commercial value, and the fact that a moment spent painting is a moment that that house isn't getting cleaned and the bills aren't getting paid.

8. I'm scared of everything.

everything these days sends me into a panic. noises, debts, responsibility, the way people look or talk to me, anything and everything. its like everything's new and horrible again, I'm having to re learn how to go outside my own house and how to talk on the phone because everything's so terrifying. noises upset me because they signify life going on around me at an alarming pace and I just cant calm down with everything so loud in my ear its deafening, cant you hear it? even now as I write this I find myself rocking on my seat as I try to calm myself down. my minds so loud that even turn my head feels like whiplash, like everything's to fast and the only way I know how to cure it is to shut it off to shut it all off. it cant touch me if I don't move. life cant find me if I'm sleeping.

9. I sleep too much.

sleep is putting it lightly. what I really mean is I shut down a lot. it works for computers right? have you tried turning it on and off again? how many times before it reboots, I silently wonder if ill ever reboot or if they'll have to take me in and get my parts replaced. I silently hope they do. I mean how many times have you taken a broken laptop or ipod in to discover its go a broken screen or keypad or memory and you're gonna have to fork out a lot of money to fix that single component only for another component to break a month later, how many times have you just bought a new laptop, secretly happy that you don't have to deal with the damaged one anymore. I sleep to fix my single component knowing full well my batteries gonna go out soon anyway. wont someone just buy a new one of me?

10. I'm a bitter person.

I should mention the importance of the present tense. I'm not becoming, I'm already here, but the thing is ive not always been bitter either. I used to be happy, bit fat, bit emotional but happy. I prided myself on the fact I could make people laugh and I would get upset at myself if someone thought I was anything less than happy, because then they weren't happy. now I don't give two shits. ive become bitter, angry, selfish and cold. id say all I care about is myself but I don't even care about me. I'm angry that the world continues on without me fully present, I hate the fact that I hate myself and that I don't look good, that I'm not healthy. I fear no one will love me or truly connect with me and so ive become a recluse to the point that even when I do go out I seldom have anything to really talk about except for how unhappy I am. I see very little hope on the horizon, the few moments I have are in my own head usually, which just adds to my bitterness for not being able to properly enjoy reality. every interaction I have is tainted with bitterness over trying to enjoy myself in the first place when there is so much wrong in my life. I hate who I have become.

IN SHORT.... I HATE MYSELF.

its kind of poetic that as I finished that sentence the sun came out and the warmth hit me right through the window. I find myself almost smiling, breathing evenly as I type, almost happy to get it off my chest. to admit that I hate myself? its actually a relief, because now I can try to work towards doing something about it. I'm not naïve enough to think this'll solve everything, I know there will be days where I continue to hate myself and try to self sabotage my own efforts to get better. I'm not stupid enough to tell you guys that I have a plan of action because as a person who lives for instruction, I can tell you I have no clue what I'm gonna do to get better, and I wont leave you (if anyone actually does read this) thinking that it gets better instantly. see what I mean about the bitterness? but I will say this, I am secure and resolute in the fact that I don't like who I am, I am resolute in the fact that I don't have an immediate solution, but this doesn't mean I wont try to find one. could take days, could take months, could go one direction then stop and turn back, it doesn't matter because in accepting that there's something wrong I have only one direction to go in.

May anyone else struggling with these issues find the strength to accept your flaws and begin your road to recovery, or atleast take the exit for recovery and maybe stop at a pitstop for a while before heading on down that route, I aint gonna judge. Ill see you there.

#deppression #self harm #suicide #self image #self hatred #recovery #help #healing #trigger warning #bitter #fat #angry #sad #anxious #anxiety #depressed #hate #how to hate yourself

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thunderoad · 7 years

Note

HMMM 6. 12. 48 for to the end of the night. 24. 50 - would you just talk to me a little about why you like found family as a theme.

BLESS U KATE ILY

6. how did writing change you?

oh shit, this is like a deep question right out of the gate?? i’m not sure, exactly. it’s definitely given me some of the best friends i’ve ever had. i think maybe that’s the best thing about writing, really - realizing how you can connect to people you’ve never met, both in the fic itself and in those friendships outside of it. aw. man. i’m gonna cry lol

12. favorite place to write

my bed! anytime i can wake up abt 7am, get my coffee, and open a word doc without any distractions i know it’s going to be a really productive day. i also wrote, like, the entirety of everything between my second fic and hold on at my friend’s place, often while watching tv. (quiet is only for the very end of a fic where i gotta tie up all those loose strings or let it all unravel)

48. three spoilers for (insert story title) to the end of the night

i’m not sure about spoilers, but i found my old notes doc for this one, so here’s some stuff i had planned for the fic that didn’t make the final cut.

niall was originally gonna be taking some time off music work to enroll in uni. i was DEADSET - i have no idea why - on him doing this in toronto, or somewhere else northern and cold, but i couldn’t make that location work, which was a pretty good indication i couldn’t make that plot work, either. (at least, not from louis’s pov.)

the dedication at the beginning is to the mother’s we’ve lost. i’ve gotten some real nice comments on it, but it’s really nothing fancy - it’s exactly what it says it is, louis’s mom and mine. i didn’t even know she was ill till halfway thru the fic, but i didn’t have to make any edits to it at all, really, which probably says more about me than it should! it was really nice, though, at least on my end; that dedication at the beginning, and the run-on sentence at the end sort of act like this framing device where the whole fic is louis catching his mum up on everything she’s missed since she passed away. unlike louis, i like middles; i don’t think they ever really end.

this is just a couple of deleted scenes that kind of capture a mood, but don’t really move the plot in any way: louis accuses niall of lying to him, and “Like you never lied to me,” Niall says, all the more hurtful because he’s not wrong. But that’s not the kind of relationship Louis wants to have with Niall. It hits him out of nowhere, how fucking lonely he’ll be if Niall gets up and walks out right now, how dependent he’s become on Niall’s warm, assuring presence. So of course Louis does his best to get rid of him right away. and, “Fuck,” Louis says, the feeling trapped inside his chest like a lead weight, like a jar of fireflies, like a helium balloon. He closes his eyes, and the image of Niall, sleepy and lax in his bed, the soft sheets slipping over his bare skin, springs forth. “I miss you.” “It’s okay,” Niall says, his voice gravelly with sleep. He means, it’s okay for you to feel like this about me. i never want to articulate feelings explicitly if i can help it for some reason, but i remember thinking of these scenes and going ohh, it’s going to be one of those fics. i really wanted to write a canon compliant fic that delved into louis’s character and looked at the way he coped with losing eleanor and zayn and having freddie all in one fell swoop, but time had just progressed too much. i remember reading that portraying louis as the commitment-phobic one in a relationship just doesn’t make sense, cuz he’s constantly in these big, beautiful romances, but i wanted to write a louis who was older and bitter and really deeply hurt, and i think that’s what these scenes were trying to get at. it’s like darkest timeline!louis. that’s where this monologue comes from that was later fiddled with a bit and mostly put in the final version of the fic: “The truth is,” says Louis, “the truth is, I don’t know that maybe he is better off without me. He can have a normal dad and a normal life and – and that might be better for him, wouldn’t it? And you, I don’t – for God’s sakes, Niall, you told me you’d booked more tour dates the other day and all I could think was can you cancel them so I can keep you a little longer?” Louis shakes his head. “It’s fucked up, and I’m fucked up, and I love you so fucking much. You deserve better.” He puts his hand over his heart like he’s been hurt. Sort of feels like it, to be honest. Now that he’s started talking it’s like he’s an oil station way out in the ocean and all this blackness is just pouring up and out into open water. “My dad, Eleanor, Danielle – even Harry,” says Louis. He draws up short. “Zayn,” he says, barely above a whisper. “Liam. I mean, there’s a fucking pattern there, isn’t there? It’s me, there’s something wrong with me that everyone stops loving me eventually.” “Louis,” Niall says, his voice hushed. “Don’t deny it,” Louis says. “You were there – you saw it happen. I just…can’t love them enough. And I just,” Louis runs out of steam. “I don’t want you to stop loving me.”

24. favorite scene you’ve ever written

i answered this before, but i really like this scene, too, from to the end of the night:

They get as far as the back garden – straight through the living room and kitchen – before they lose the plot. Louis kicks one of Freddie’s little play footie balls into the pool and watches it bob along the surface like a fishing lure. He’s aware of Niall watching him from the corner of his eye, same as he’s looking at Niall every time he pretends to look away.

Looking out over Louis’s infinity pool, Niall says, “California,” in his best Terminator accent.

“I hardly ever come out here anymore,” Louis says. He’d had all these plans when he bought the house of playing footie with the lad and floating around on pool loungers and maybe even the occasional water balloon fight, and then he’d just kept saying “tomorrow” till tomorrow’s today, and it’s just him and Niall, silhouetted by the light spilling out of the kitchen windows.

it’s not really a crucial moment or anything, but i felt like it really captured that feeling of life passing you by; that bitterness of knowing you used to have something great, and having lost it, and the way you can want something or someone so bad you don’t even know how to ask for it. (at least, that’s what i hope it says.)

50. found family - my FAVORITE theme

i have a healthy respect for fate - ‘there is a tide in the affairs of men,’ and all - but a lOT more regard for the bit that contradicts, ‘i have taken these tides of men into my hands and wrote my will across the sky in stars.’ there’s definitely a kind of crossover for me between family and genetics and even learned behaviors and fate, and on the other hand, found family and the parts of ourselves that we choose.

my dad’s watchwords are ‘but they’re blood,’ as if that settles everything. which it SO doesn’t, at least not to me! a lot of reason for the way i am is because i want to be as unlike my family as possible, and that’s all about choice, really. caving to blood and genetics and stuff i can’t do anything about is like accepting defeat. (there’s a lot of this stuff in oaft, looking back.) but lotr is such a good example of the way you can sort of tie these conflicting values of fate vs. choice together, though, like all those times sam and frodo reflect on how they’d never have accepted the ring quest if they knew what it entailed, and will people tell their stories someday? you don’t often get to know the full extent of what you’ve signed up for, but you do get to choose. so that’s what found family is to me, really - a way of choosing your own fate, accepting the quest you think you can abide.

i rely a lot on connections between people in my fics, whether it be one acting as another’s human credentials and making them seem lovable at their worst moments, or of tethering them to other people, memories, even parts of the world. i love the way those connections that are made, and not born, can be the most important thing. two of my favorite books, mrs. dalloway and howards end, are built around this idea of “Only connect . . .” where connecting to people and then connecting them to each other is, like, what life is all about. i like to imagine it looks a bit like portolan charts from back in the day, where maps were made based on the connections between places. some were near and some far, but all tied into the same network, and all tied to each other, albeit with some degree of separation. whenever my directions start getting mixed up, it’s soothing to think of these forged connections making sense of everything.

#i wrote a hundred million zillion words i'm sorry #fic meme #wickershire

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notthetoothfairy · 7 years

Text

He’s Got You High

For @a-simple-rainbow. ♥♥♥

She wanted something based on this post: Kurt sends an email to his TA while high on pain meds after a wisdom teeth extraction.

read on AO3

Blaine is in the middle of his theatre history class when his phone signals a new email in his inbox. Discreetly hiding the phone from his instructor’s view by keeping his hands behind a stack of textbooks on his desk, he goes to his email folder and checks the sender.

It reads, Kurt Hummel.

He has to bite his tongue to stop the smile forming on his lips. Kurt is a sophomore, only a year behind Blaine, and takes improv and stage combat class with Blaine. He’s also a student in one of Mme Tibideaux’s more advanced voice studio classes that Blaine miraculously got to be the TA for this year.

To say that Kurt is Blaine’s favorite student would be an understatement – in fact, hopelessly crushing on him is probably more accurate.

It’s not like Blaine is planning to do anything about it, at least not while he’s Kurt’s TA. It would be inappropriate, unprofessional, and probably also really awkward, especially if Kurt isn’t interested.

So, he’s not fooling himself into thinking that Kurt’s email will be anything out of the ordinary. Probably a note of absence or questions about the final exam… though, as Blaine notices with a frown, the subject reads “Paper Eggstension”. Autocorrect maybe? There’s no way Kurt’s spelling is that bad, Blaine has read and graded most of his MUS105 papers.

Glancing at the teacher to ensure he’s still unobserved, Blaine opens the email, intrigued and a bit concerned now. He scans the first few lines and – oh, wow.

Everyone at NYADA knows Kurt is full of surprises and he’s certainly made an impression on Blaine more than once but this…? This has Blaine blushing, giggling under his breath, shaking his head fondly and wanting to check up on Kurt all at once.

To: Blaine Anderson

From: Kurt Hummel

Subject: Paper Eggstension

---

Dear Mr. Blaine,

sry, I forgot your last name because Rachel calls you Mr. Dreamboat! And y would I use your last name anyway? You told us to call you Blaine. Thats a nice name. Blaiiiine.

You said other stuff too. Like that we could send you our MUS105 paper before we send it to Mme Tibidibideaux (I wish she let us call her Blaine too) but only if we dont miss the deadline. Now I gotta tell you: No can-do. But I have an excuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you don’t believe. But you should. Cuz Blaine, u see – I got my teeth removed. The smarty ones. The wisdom teat. Anyway. I got them out. It was brutality. So much pain, worse than when I watched you unfairly lose Midmight Madnesssss against that senior douche, whatever the fuck his name is again. You should have won Blaine. You were better. I think Rachel bribe the judge bc she went out with senior douche… what is hid name? Bobby? Barney?

But PLEASE could I get a few more days, could you ask Mme T.…??? I really wanna do well bc… you see, Mme T., she scares the hell out of me. Ha that rhymes, triple! Cuz I’m awesome. Yes, I am. You can just accept that as fact or you can also go out wih me and see how awesome I am for yourself, your choice (but pick the latter!). But anyway please please pls pls pls can I hand it the paper a bit later? I really cant submit something bad -- and Im afraid they pulled out my brain with the teeth!!!!!!!! I can’t write a well paper without a brain!

My doctor says Ill regret writing emails while Im hai (thats German for shark, funny fact) so I’m gonna stop and hope that you will say yes! Please bro? Oh! Brody. Brodouche. Midnight Madman. Destroy him next time! (He broke up with Rach, he deserves it.)

Thank you, Mr. Blaineboat. I really like you.

Kurt xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Blaine reads the email three times before deciding that he should wait until after class to type out a response. In the state he’s in right now, he’ll probably do something stupid and just write back, Yes to all.

He wants to, of course. He’d give Kurt an extension on his paper and say yes to a date with him in a heartbeat but… he knows he’ll have to convince Mme Tibideaux, sort out his personal TA-student dating policy (and maybe ask around if NYADA has an official take on it) and make sure Kurt really meant to type this and didn’t just do so in the spur of the painkiller-induced moment.

The class can’t end fast enough but as soon as it’s over and Blaine finds a quiet corner in the library to think of what to respond, he blanks, drafting several replies but ending up deleting all of them.

“Goddammit,” he mutters to himself. “Just write something.”

In the end, “something” doesn’t really compare to Shakespeare but Blaine figures that at least he won’t risk his job over it, either.

And maybe, just maybe, Kurt will catch the ambiguity in his words.

“What are you working on?” Rachel asks when she comes back to the loft, arms full of grocery bags that Kurt hopes are filled with veggies for him to make soup with. He seriously craves eating something that isn’t liquid but mushy veggies drowning in hot water really is the maximum of cheating when it comes to his pained cheeks. He knew it was a bad idea to get both upper wisdom teeth out the same day. But it’s too late to complain. At least he has a best friend who brings him soup.

Kurt sighs at the laptop in front of him.

“My paper for Mme Tibideaux,” he responds. “You know I love Sondheim but interpreting his work while physically injured makes me want to kill him.”

“He’s in his mid-eighties, Kurt,” Rachel tells him. “Let an old man be.”

“Ugh.” Kurt rubs his eyes. “The meds are making me tired, though.”

“Why do you even bother writing the paper when you got an extension from Mr. Dreamboat?”

Kurt frowns at Rachel. “Extension? When would I have gotten that?”

“In your email?” Rachel frowns back. “Come on, don’t tell me you chickened out just because you’re in love with him. He’s still our TA, he could probably do something about that deadline, so-”

“I don’t remember writing an email.” Kurt goes to student email and punches in his username and password. “Or getting one back, for that matter. Like, wouldn’t I rem-” He blinks in surprise, catching Blaine’s name in his inbox – twice, even. How high was he, exactly? “Wait, what did I…?” Clicking on the email, bits and pieces come back to him, and he suddenly grabs the couch cushion next to him, holding onto it for dear life. “Oh my god, no.”

“What?”

“Rachel.” Kurt feels the blood draining from his face. “Oh, Jesus, please tell me I didn’t write that…”

He scrolls through the quoted email below Blaine’s short responses (Dear Kurt, thank you for telling me! And yes, of course! I’ll talk to Mme Tibideaux, and get back to you once I know more. Get well soon! All the best, Blaine, and the more recent Dear Kurt, I got a yes from Mme Tibideaux, you’re getting one more week! Best, Blaine) and cringes when he reads the first line.

“I did. Fuuuuuck. Oh god, now I wish Sondheim could kill me.”

“Again, the guy’s, like, 85…” Rachel says slowly. “And why would you- whoa, is that your email to Blaine?”

Kurt doesn’t answer, instead opting to hide his face in his hands.

“You did not tell him we call him Mr. Dreamboat.”

Kurt whimpers.

“You did not ask him out!” Rachel squeals.

Kurt lets out a miserable whine.

“Oh my god, Kurt, you did not tell him you like him and signed the email with a dozen kissing faces!!!”

“WHAT?!” Kurt’s hands fly back to his laptop. He didn’t re-read that part. “Oh my god! I ju- Rachel, I can never go back to that school. I’m such a failure at life, Jesus Christ.”

“You’re very religious all of a sudden.”

“Don’t just sit there mocking me,” Kurt begs. “Tell me it was all just a bad dream.”

Rachel gives him a look of deep, genuine pity. “I really wish I could but I doubt my eyes can never unsee that email. Also, I know you wrote that while you were high on pain meds but I am a bit upset you never told me you didn’t like Brody. Might have saved me some trouble.”

Kurt rolls his eyes at her. “You honestly believe I never brought it up? What do you think we were we having that flea-market chair argument for? And don’t even pretend like you would have called it off with him just because I said something.” Rachel opens her mouth to speak but Kurt shakes his head violently. “It doesn’t matter, anyway – what am I going to do about this?!”

Rachel shrugs. “Kurt, it’s out there. All you can do now is roll with it.”

“In my grave, you mean?”

“In class. To which we’re going tomorrow since you’re so much better already,” Rachel tells him sternly. “Judging by Mr. Dreamb-”

“We can’t call him that anymore,” Kurt says quickly.

“Fine.” She sighs. “Judging by Blaine’s reply, he’s not bothered by it. Who knows, maybe he’s flattered. Or happy about it. It’s not every day you get an email from a cute guy confessing he’s crushing on you.”

“Yeah, right,” Kurt mumbles into the sleeve of his sweater. “As if I stand a chance with him.”

“No time like the present to find out,” Rachel says with finality. “Now, I’m making you soup, and you’re going to put on some Sondheim so you can work on your paper with some fresh insights and maximum concentration.”

It’s a nice thought – but Kurt doesn’t get anything done that night.

Blaine carefully keeps his eyes on his notebook when Rachel and Kurt walk into his class.

He was expecting Kurt to come back today (and no, he did not google how long it takes for people to recover from wisdom teeth extraction – he just asked Sam, who had gotten it done right before moving to New York), and he might have put a little extra effort into looking good today. He never got a response from Kurt, so he figures the guy has either silently acknowledged the paper extension, avoided Blaine for a number of possible reasons or forgotten about the exchange entirely.

Whatever the motivation behind it, Blaine will not despair over it. He’s Kurt’s TA, and as such won’t try anything anyway. NYADA doesn’t seem to have any policy against TAs dating students but nevertheless, he doesn’t want to put either them in an awkward position.

Which doesn’t even take into account the fact that he still doesn’t know whether Kurt remembers asking him out, whether he actually meant it, or whether he intends to ask again.

He might want to wait until Blaine’s no longer his TA as well. That’s alright with Blaine. After all, there’s a month left to this semester, so he can wait. He totally can.

He looks up from his notebook with a smile.

“Hi everyone,” he greets the class. “How are you doing? So, the deadline for your papers is Friday so I hope you’ve all sent me your drafts in case you want me to read them.” He can’t help but let his eyes wander to where Kurt is sitting. “Unless there were any reasons to hand them in late.”

Kurt blinks really quickly at the sudden eye contact, and lets out a nervous laugh.

And Blaine realizes he really totally cannot wait a whole month to get answers to his questions.

Before he can stop himself, he adds, “Everyone with extensions on their papers, please come see me after class.”

Of course, that’s just Kurt, but the class won’t know. Okay, Rachel might know, seeing as she elbows Kurt so hard it almost sends him flying off his seat. Kurt almost doesn’t seem to notice it as he’s busy staring at Blaine with a bit of a twitch in his eye.

Blaine suppresses a groan. This isn’t the plan. What is he doing?

“Blaine, I am so sorry!” Kurt exclaims in misery when the rest of the students slip away after class is over.

He’s beyond glad that Blaine didn’t make him sing any of his pieces today because apart from already being nervous whenever Blaine does ask him to do that, today his anxiety probably would have been the final straw. He might have run off or broken out into tears in front of everyone.

Blaine looks at him with a small smile. “You’ve got nothing to apologize.”

“Uh, yes, I do,” Kurt says stubbornly. He’s beyond mortified; the least Blaine can do is let him apologize properly. “I really didn’t mean to-”

“Oh.” Blaine looks down on the pile of sheet music he was stacking. “Yeah, right. Uhm, seriously though, I know how bad pain killers can be, I don’t blame you for-”

“Oh thank god, you know it was the pain meds,” Kurt breathes out in relief. “I was afraid you’d think-”

“No worries,” Blaine cuts him off. “It’s alright if you didn’t mean any of it.”

Kurt hesitates for a second, and gulps as he takes in Blaine’s slightly shaky hand movement as he stuffs the sheet music into his messenger bag.

“If…?” he asks quietly.

“I mean that,” Blaine says, eyebrows furrowing slightly. “Sorry, that, of course.”

Kurt’s at a loss. He’s getting mixed signals, and just judging by the last bit of the exchange – if that was the only thing that had happened, his stupid email and the fact that Blaine is his freaking TA forgotten – he might even be encouraged to inquire further.

But he can’t just admit to meaning all of it, right?

He settles for the safer topic. “So you wanted to speak to me about my paper?” he asks.

“Uh, yes.” Blaine smiles, though he still looks distracted. “I just wanted to ask you whether you had any questions about the material since you couldn’t join us for the last two sessions.”

“I…” Kurt shakes his head. “No, I think I’ve got it covered. Rachel caught me up.”

“Alright. Well, if you have any questions, you can send me an email.”

“Or not,” Kurt says quickly. “I think I’m swearing off emails for a while.”

Blaine laughs, the sound warm and pleasant in Kurt’s ear.

“Right,” he says. “I know this is a bit awkward but… it could have been worse. You could have written that to Mme Tibideaux or Miss July.”

Kurt is so relieved that Blaine is able to joke about it that he replies with a mindless, “Yeah, except I wouldn’t have told them I liked them, so…”

Blaine gapes at him, and Kurt realizes a second to late what he’s implying yet again.

“Oh,” Blaine says. “I, uh-”

“I’ve got to go,” Kurt cuts in, ears burning. “Can I go?”

“Uh, uhm, well, yeah, of course,” Blaine stutters.

As Kurt turns around and gathers his stuff, he can hear Blaine mutter something to himself. Kurt’s almost out the door, when Blaine calls out, “Kurt?”

Kurt turns around gingerly. “Yeah?”

“I really didn’t mind.”

“Okay...”

“Like, really really.”

Kurt wants to scream, But what does that mean?! Instead, he takes a deep breath, collects his thoughts, and says, “Okay… see you in improv, I guess?”

Blaine nods quickly. “Yeah. Later, Kurt.”

“Later, Blaine.”

Blaine is early to improv class, even though it’s all the way across campus. But he didn’t stop for his usual coffee, grabbed a salad to-go instead of lunch with his friends from his dorm, and also maybe, possibly hurried to get to class because Kurt is usually early to everything.

Blaine is the first to arrive, though, so he grabs his usual seat and gets out his salad. He’s about to slice the egg when he hears Kurt’s voice from outside the classroom.

“Talk to you later, Rachel.”

“Okay. And, Kurt, remember to ask-”

“Bye now!”

As soon as Kurt’s through the door, his eyes land on Blaine and he freezes.

“Uh, hi,” he says. His cheeks are slightly red, probably from the cold weather outside. “You’re – uhm, early.”

“Yeah.” Blaine looks down briefly, willing himself to just go for it this time. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Again?” Kurt bites his lip. “I thought-”

“Kurt, when I said yes in the email, I meant yes to both.”

“Both?” Kurt frowns. “I don’t-”

“Both questions. Or requests, I guess.”

Kurt’s eyes widen. “You mean…”

“Yeah, I mean,” Blaine says with as much conviction as possible. “At first, I didn’t want to say anything because, you know, TA and all, but… seeing you in class, knowing, or well, hoping that you meant it, and… I don’t know, I couldn’t wait those four weeks until the semester is over. So I asked you to stay after class but then that felt super shady, too, so… I don’t even really know what I’m doing right now.”

“Do you know what you’re saying, though?” Kurt asks breathlessly.

“Well…” Blaine can’t suppress a grin. “Unlike some people, I’m not on pain meds right now, so, yeah, I’m pretty sure I have full control over my words.”

Kurt glares at him but it’s mostly façade, especially considering he’s still looking like Christmas came a bit early this year, and Blaine… well, Blaine is floored at the thought of being the one to actually make him look like that.

“Well, apparently those pain meds at least made me confess something neither of us could admit to sober, so…”

“Hey, for the record,” Blaine says, getting up to stand in front of Kurt, “I fully intended to ask you out once the semester was over.”

Kurt’s eyes are locked on Blaine with sheer intensity, and Blaine isn’t proud to admit it makes his knees a bit weak.

“Really?” Kurt asks, clearly intrigued, then sighs. “So my email was completely unnecessary.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Blaine says. “I got so many laughs out of it.”

“Oh god, shut up.”

“No, I mean, it – eggstension?” Blaine chuckles. “Wisdom teat? There were some good ones there.”

“What part of shut up-”

Waiting really isn’t Blaine’s strong suit, he realizes, as he leans in to kiss Kurt, four weeks too early to be completely professional, yet about half a year too late considering how long he’s had his eye on him.

Kurt’s protest is muffled against Blaine’s lips, and dies down completely once they press closer together to get better access. They part for air briefly, and Kurt whispers, “When I got up this morning, I would have sworn this would be the last thing I’d ever say, but I’m pretty proud of myself for writing that email now.”

Blaine licks his bottom lip, chasing the faint taste of Kurt there. “I’m glad you wrote it, too.” This whole thing between them has lasted about a minute but he wants more so badly he feels like he’s physically incapable from drawing Kurt back in and kissing him again.

They keep at it until other students start to trickle into the room, and even then they share meaningful glances and press their ankles together between their chairs.

Between all the talking and kissing, Blaine didn’t get to eat his salad, so about halfway through the lecture, his stomach starts growling.

Kurt turns to him with a grin. “Forgot to eat?”

“I guess I was distracted.”

“Hm, by what, I wonder?” Kurt asks cheekily.

Blaine eyes his untouched salad in amusement. “I guess I got pretty egg-sited over this boy I like.”

It’s totally worth all the frustrated elbowing he gets in response.

#a-simple-rainbow #klaine fic #klaine #klaine fanfic #klaine AU #klaine prompt #my klaine fics #THIS IS SO SILLY YET AGAIN #I'M SORRY RAINBOW I APPARENTLY CAN'T WRITE NON-SILLY ANYMORE #but shhh Blaine really loves puns - pass it on #(there might be typos too - they're all unintentional unless they are part of Kurt's email :P)

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curlyhairedclarinetist · 7 years

Text

Found some questions, gonna answer them.

Because I’m bored. 1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes. 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? No, I wouldn’t date anyone at the age I am now, except my fiancé. 3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? That I can remember, junior year of high school. My grade in my accounting class was better than I thought it was but I still had to take the final; I needed a 93 to be exempt and I had a 92. 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? Sure, I try to smile to everyone. 5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I dunno. Maybe slightly annoyed, but not mad. 6. Have you heard a song today that reminds you of someone? “Ref” by Pentatonix, kinda reminded me of my ex. 7. What exactly are you wearing right now? T-shirt with a mountain biker and sweatpants, aka my pajamas. 8. How often do you listen to music? Basically all the time. 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? It’s pretty even, honestly. I wear jeans during the day then sweats at night. Unless you count jeggings as sweats, then I wear sweats 24/7. 10. Are you a social or an antisocial person? Extremely antisocial. 11. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? Nope. 12. What about ‘R’? Nope. 13. Can you drive a stick shift? Again, nope. 14. Do you care if people talk badly about you? As long as they pronounce my name right, people can say whatever they want about me. If someone talks badly about you, that says more about them, not you. 15. Are you going out of town soon? Not that I know of. 16. When was the last time you cried? Like 3 hours ago, from laughter. 17. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Yes, and I still tell them and they still tell me. 18. If you could change your eye color, would you? Nah, I like my brown eyes. 19. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes. 20. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. I had to go to work. 21. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? I think so. 22. Are you dating the last person you talked to? No. The last person I talked to face-to-face was my dad, and I'm not into that. The last person I talked online to was my best friend, but we're not dating either. 23. What are you sitting on right now? My butt. 24. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? Yes. 25. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? No. Well, do celebrity crushes count? 26. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? In person, my mom. Online, one of my friends. 27. Do you get a lot of colds? Not really. 28. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? My closet. 29. Does anyone hate you? Not that I know of... 30. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? No. 31. Do you like watching scary movies? Oh jeez, no! 32. Do you want your tongue pierced? No. I don't even have my ears pierced. 33. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I don't wanna delete any years of my life. If 1 year was gone, I would not be the person I am today. 34. Did you have a dream last night? Yes. I have dreams every night, I just don't always remember them. 35. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Like an hour ago. 36. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I know I will, I'm getting married in May 2018 37. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I know someone does. And if he doesn't, he should've told me way before now, cuz we're getting married next year... 38. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Most likely. 39. Did you have a good day yesterday? For the most part. 40. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Yes. 41. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? My one coworker, if that counts as "hanging out." 42. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes. 1 actually did lose me. His fault though. 43. What’s the best part about school? Being with friends. Or leaving. 44. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Plenty. 45. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? No. That'd be pretty hard cuz we all go to different schools. 46. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? All the time. 47. Were you single over the last summer? No. 48. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Not at all. 49. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Lots of things: folding clothes, writing an admission essay, or sleeping. Instead I'm doing this questionnaire to procrastinate. 50. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? Absolutely not! He's one of my best friends, I could never hate him! 51. Are you nice to everyone? I try to be. 52. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes. And we're getting married next year. 53. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Again, yes-I am living proof. 54. Are you good at hiding your feelings? I think so. 55. Do you think you like someone? I like a lot of people. Or if the question is asking if I romantically like someone, then yes, I know I do. 56. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? Sort of. It was one of my preschoolers who hurt his finger and he insisted I kiss it to make it feel better. 57. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? I have no preference. It just so happens that the majority of my friends are guys. 58. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? Yes. 59. Do you hate anyone? No, life's too short to have hatred inside you. 60. How’s your heart? Well it's still beating so I guess it's alright. 61. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Not really. 62. Have you ever cried over a guy? Yes, some fictional and some real. 63. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? I dunno. If they were, I'm not gonna do anything about it. 64. Are your toenails painted pink? Wow, strangely specific question. But no. Come to think of it, they're not painted any color. 65. Will your next kiss be a mistake? Unless I get pushed into someone or trip and fall and land on someone's mouth, no. 66. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? No. I've fallen down in public while wearing pants, does that count? 67. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? My mom. 68. How do you look right now? I dunno. Tired, probably. 69. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? Yes. Also is anyone actually still reading at this point? 70. Can you commit to one person? If you've been paying attention to my previous answers, you know what my answer is. 71. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Yes. 72. Have you ever felt replaced? Yes, and it is one of the worst feelings in the world. 73. Did you wake up cranky? No. 74. Are you a jealous person? Not really. 75. Are relationships ever worth it? See previous answers, you can figure out what I'm gonna say. 76. Anyone you’re giving up on? Myself, sometimes. 77. Currently wanting to see anyone? Yes, lots of people. 78. Name something you have to do tomorrow. Work. 79. Last person you cried in front of? My best friend. She started it though. 80. Is there someone you will never forget? Lots, both in good ways and bad. 81. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? Yes. 82. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Probably sleeping, he's an early bird. 83. Are you over your past? I'd say so. 84. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Yes. It's happened 3 times, and the 3rd is the one that worked out. 85. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Didn't I have this question already? 86. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? That depends. If it's the first person I loved in general, then I wouldn't need presents or an apology. (He's done nothing but apologize ever since we split. That is, when we talk, which isn't often.) I just want an explanation for why he left me. If it's the first person I loved that loved me back, then I guess I'd accept, but my question is what did he do? (If you're still reading, yes, my fiancé was my first real love) 87. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? Yes. 88. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Yes, twice. 88. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? Yes. 89. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? Yes, my fiancé's brother. 90. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? Again, weirdly specific. But no. 91. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? Yes, and it was going great. Little did I know that's when he started planning his proposal. 92. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? Yes, we had just celebrated 7 years together (he proposed 1 month later) 93. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Pfft, she is gorgeous! 94. Who do you have texts from? My fiancé, my best friend, and my band director. 95. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Laugh along with him cuz I know he's joking. 96. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes. 97. Who’s in your profile picture with you? I'm not even my profile picture, it's a flower. On Facebook, it's me with my fiancé. On Twitter and Instagram, it's just me. 98. Ever kissed under fireworks? Yes. 99. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Yes, and he still does

#tags for likes #pentatonix #bored #q&a #i don't know how else to tag this

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copingmechanism1899 · 4 years

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Apr 23, 2019

It's happening. My life is ACTUALLY over. Some people can be such idiots. And I don't know how to deal with this BS. I can never trust anyone again because so much s*** arises when I try to help people. I've been betrayed, and I hate how I can't stand up for myself. I honestly don't know what to do. But I should probably describe the situation. I wrote an essay, and it wasn't a very good one. I'll admit, I'm having some trouble in this class. Okay, a LOT of trouble. I currently have an F. In order to improve this grade, I met with my teacher on Thursday, and they said that after our conversation, they would feel bad if they just let me turn in the essay as is, because I would just get things marked down. They gave me until Monday to fix it. So I worked my a** off /all weekend/ in order to improve this essay. This was a second chance, that I was EXTREMELY grateful for. So, I also have clubs before school on Mondays, so I come in early Monday morning, and my "friend" is sitting there. So I start up a conversation because I still have some time before my club starts. Turns out, even though we have different teachers, we got the same set of prompts. It /also/ turned out that my "friend" didn't do their essay, and needed some help. So I shared my essay with them. And this is where s*** hits the fan. For anyone who's ever made anything, you've probably started making whatever because of inspiration. Take a cake for example. You're walking around, and you see a really pretty cake, multiple layers, colors, decorations, and you think to yourself: "Wow. What a pretty cake! Now I want to make a cake!" and so you do. Now while you might have similar aspects to your cake (like how different essays might have similar points because they're about the same topic), you make the cake your own. Because you know, if you just make a replica, then it's not really /your/ cake. It's a copy of somebody else's. That's what I thought my "friend" was going to do. I thought they were going to take my general ideas. I thought they were going to look at my cake and say "Hey, I like the thought of buttercream.", then go make their own buttercream. But of course I was wrong. Whenever anything bad could happen, I always seem to make the wrong decision. My "friend" looked at my buttercream, and proceeded to stick their hand directly into my mixing bowl. Spreading the contaminated frosting all over her "cake", making it "their own". And here's the kicker. THEY WEREN'T SNEAKY ABOUT IT. I was working in google docs (which will be an important point later). Now, I shared my essay with my "friend", who I will refer to now as "M" (for motherf***er. lol), because "friend" is too much work. So, I share my doc with M, and then I ran off to my club. And while I was at my club, M decided to just STEAL my essay and "make it their own". Changing some words around (eg. changing "hive mind" to "cookie cut expectation") and calling it their own. Now, I'll admit, they added some of their own evidence, but they had too. Because we're in different classes, they had different sources. But they didn't even change the supporting reasons for the evidence. I ran the documents though a program, and it turns out they changed a whopping FIVE SENTENCES. In a SIXTY SEVEN SENTENCE ESSAY. That's not a lot of difference. And they changed all of this while I was at my club. But, they f-ed up. Instead of hiding what they had done (like any cheater should know how to do), they decided to edit /right on top/ of my work. Now I'm not saying that I cheat. I've definitely made my own version of a buttercream, but I've never outright taken someone else's. If I read someone else's essay, and I find a point that I agree with, I'll definitely find a way to incorporate it into my own essay. But I will find my own evidence, and I'll write my own conclusions. But M was an idiot, and didn't even have enough common sense to try to hid what they were doing. And since they typed directly in my document, when I turned it in, after my club, right before class started, it had their name at the top. I didn't even realize it until halfway through first period. I thought to myself: "Hey, did you remember to finish that sentence before you turned it in? Because it would look pretty darn stupid if you had a half finished sentence." So I went into google docs to check. And as I'm reading though, I see the title of an article that I didn't read. "wtf?" I think to myself. Then I scroll to the top, and lo and behold. It has M's name on it. I start freaking out, and I go to where I submitted it online. It has M's name on it. So I immediately text them. I ask them why the f*** they were writing in my document, I tell them the one I submitted has their name on it, and I almost break down in class. And one of my table-mates notices. She asks me what's wrong, and I tell her the gist, leaving out names. At this point, M isn't replying, so as soon as class ends, I call them, all of my calls going to voicemail. Second period, I'm still freaking out. A friend asks me whats wrong, and I tell them. Again, excluding names. My friend tells me I should write an email to my teacher, telling her how M ripped me off. Then, it happens. M replies. They immediately go on the offense, saying "Dude delete it or something" (which I couldn't because the website I turned it into doesn't allow you to delete submissions), along with "Dude why didn't u check", and "I wish u just read it over before submitting". Well, let me tell you something. I worked on that essay ALL WEEKEND. I read it, and re-read it so many times, I was sick of it. I made some final edits, and I knew that I was going to submit it as it was. I tried my very best and I was finally content with how it was. And now I feel like she's trying to make me feel guilty, like it's my fault. And honestly? It's kind of working. I'm in a constant state of fear because I know how much trouble you can get on for copying someone else's work. So, back to second period. M has texted back, telling me, that I should tell the teacher that, and I quote: "My friend shared her essay for me to check it and I accidentally submitted hers". Which both me and my friend (who will now be E, for "extraordinary", and "friend" is long), know would never work. M said "Just tell her U accidentally submitted mine she’ll believe". Which made me think to myself: "But... no. My teacher is not a F-ING IDIOT." M tells me to email my teacher, and because they apparently doesn't trust me, says: "Lemme see the email when u done writing". And all the while, E is telling me "just throw M under the bus. If you try to cover for them, and you get caught in a lie, then you'll both get in trouble. But if you blame M, then it won't be as bad for you." But because I'm who I am, I'm a bit of a pushover. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to throw M under the bus. But I also don't want to lie. So, I do write an email to my teacher. But it's the truth. I told my teacher that I shared my essay with my friend, and they typed over it, in order to pass it off as their own. Now, I was upset. And E was also very angry. So that email was probably a tad bit more aggressive than it needed to be. (Now here's where the google doc part becomes important) I included in the email that I had proof that I wrote the original essay. In google docs, you can look at your "version history". And if you look at the version history of this document, you can see that all previous versions had my name on it. (this point will also come up again later, so don't forget it.) With my email sent, I asked E what to do. Sure, I wrote the email, but the content wasn't something that would please M. E told me to confront M, and say that I wasn't going to cover for them, but I don't like confrontation, so I said that I couldn't. So E took my phone and got M's number. E texted M, and I didn't know what had been sent until 4th period. E knew that I was having trouble in this class, and she relayed this information to M. E explained the gist of what was going on, beginning the message with "she wont tell you this so i will", and ending it with "please just write your own essay next time". Overall, I think the tone of E's message was a bit cold, but it wasn't outright mean. But then. M has the AUDACITY to message me, saying "would it help if I gave u my essay and u could finish it?" I mean, what the F***?! I worked mt a** off for that essay, which you practically STOLE, and now you're asking me to write ANOTHER ONE? FOR YOU? And your explanation is "So it shows u had ur own essay". Absolute bulls***. So I've sent my email, and now I just go though the rest of my day, trying to avoid thinking about it, figuring I'll talk to my teacher at the end of class (which would also be at the end of the day because I have that class last.), but I never get the chance. I walk into 8th, and I start silent reading, like we do during this unit. Then we start working with our groups. But halfway through class, I get called out. Joy. I get escorted to the Dean's office, and guess who's there. If you've read everything preceding this, you've probably guessed it. It was M. The Dean starts talking, and M tries to explain themselves, telling lie, after lie, saying that we had "switched essays for peer editing", and "because we shared them, I might have just submitted the wrong one" (one again, I think they were trying to make it seem like my fault). And then the Dean says something that makes me question why I'm here. They say (something along the lines of) "Well, you came in here, sounding kind of frustrated". This. This makes me think that M came in here if their own free will. And from what it sounded like, they came in here because of E's message. And even later, M texted me saying "Did u tell a lot of people Cuz lots of people were talking to me". And I think to myself: "I've told like, 1 and a half people? And I've never used your name. How are people alking to you?" So I ask who. And apparently, "lots of people" is 2. E, and the girl from my first period class. The single message E sent was apparently enough to set M off. And the girl from my class? She's friends with M, so when M started talking about the this s***show of a situation, (so I'm not the only guilty party!) this girl put 2 and 2 together and figured it out herself. Yet M blames me for telling people. WTF. But whatever right? M's just trying to make me upset (right?). Back at the Dean's office, class is ending and so M leaves to catch their bus. I have clubs after school, so I stay in the office a bit longer. The Dean (who will now be shortened to D) says that our stories are conflicting. My email accuses M of stealing my essay, but M is saying that it was a mix up and that I accidentally submitted theirs. I proceed to tell D that I wrote the essay, and that M made edits on top to "make it their own". I tell D that I can show her the version history to prove it (told you it would come up again!) So I take out my essay, and show her the version that had been completed April 21, 9:19 PM. But D says that doesn't count as proof because I "could have just gone back and put my name over M's". Which is BS. Because if you try to go into a previous version of the document to change something, /it makes a new version/. AND, it /keeps the old version/! There's no way to delete a previous version (that I have found), so the version history should have been proof enough. But it's not. Which made we so worried, because of what D said next. She said that because I didn't have proof that I wrote the essay, and because the one I turned in had M's name on it, it looked like I was the one who stole /M's/ essay. Which is f-ed up. Because it's the complete opposite. D also said (something along the lines of) "I like it when people just confess and come clean. Telling the truth makes it so much easier for everyone. Because your stories right now, are very confusing. Someone just coming forward and admitting to what they did would be super helpful." And the entire time, she was looking at me as is she was just waiting for me to crumble and admit to the crime. But I didn't do it. And her BS about how "telling the truth makes things easier"? I've told her the truth. But she doesn't believe me. And it sucks. And it's not even a "boy who cried wolf" situation. I haven't been lying to her, she just won't believe me from the get-go. After I get dismissed, I go to my club. During which I get a text from M. But I couldn't deal with their BS right then so I waited until after my club to read it. And this /monster/, this /criminal/, is just asking me different variations of "what did you say". I tell M the bare minimum because I don't really want to talk to M again. But because M had to go catch the bus, D ended the conversation with "we'll continue this conversation tomorrow". So M messages me, asking "Can we meet b4 school tommorow to talk more abt this", saying they'll be there at 7:30 in the morning. Now, I had other plans that morning, and I know that M just wanted to meet up so we could make up some lie that would inevitably get us caught, but I still wen't early so I could tell M that I just wanted to tell the truth. I get to school 7:18. I'm early so I wait. 7:24, I text them, letting them know I'm there. 7:30 rolls around, and they're a no-show. 8:18 comes, and at this point I need to get to 1st period. Finally, 8:31 hits, I'm already in class and I get a text from M. "Hey fam I’m sry I got sick today and I couldn’t go to school". First of all, this is serious. WTF is up with the texting language? Second, "sick". Yeah right. Would have been nice to know before you made me WASTE my morning. I had other s*** I needed to get done. And I couldn't because you're a flaky piece of garbage. So yeah, a entire crock-pot of flaming trash. I spent my hole day in fear, wondering if I was still going to get called to the Dean's office even if M wasn't there. I got through my last period class, and practically bolted out the door as soon as the bell rang. I do't know what's going to happen to me. M won't take responsibility for their actions, and because D won't believe the truth, it looks like I'm the one in the wrong. I'm so f-ed, because I know M isn't planning of taking the blame. Saying "I’m freaking out too because I need to try so hard to make sure none of us get in trouble" and "Dude I don’t wanna get u or me suspended or smn" even though is we just TOLD THE TRUTH, it would only be M that gets in trouble. M is trying to make me go along with it by saying "u or me", when in reality, M is just trying to save their own a**. So I'm just freaking out. Because I'm already failing this class, why would I do something as stupid as cheat? I know that if I were to get caught, then I'd be completely and utterly f-ed. I have no reason to cheat. But I've been screwed over because M won't own up and D won't believe the truth. S***.

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