#can’t stay where I’m not wanted

[tsuchinokoroyale]

Happy new years… let’s stay hydrated together ✨

#I didn’t end up going to the rave just stayed in with my buddies and had KFC (( Korean fried chicken )) and laughed til we cried so #it was still a wonderful start to the new year 💞🥰💞 #but the fwb wanted pics of my potential rave look so I figured eh I brought the stuff anyways #and now I’m imagining locking eyes with a stranger on the warm and writhing dance floor #the beat thumps and shakes and rattles the air in our breath as the spotlights dance in the reflections of our held gaze #he pushes his way through the crowd with a singular stare and a wicked smile on his face #I smile and turn my back on him arching myself so he knows I am giving what he’s looking for #I take careful steps through the revelry toward the edge where the crowd thins out #I prop myself up on an available stool in a lonely corner of the club as he closes the distance between us #“now I wonder why you dragged me all the way here” he utters in a playful growl “trying to get far away from the crowd?” #I smile and I nod. “obviously. can’t really do what I want with you out there” #his eyes perk up and his smile gives away the desire building inside him. “yeah? why don’t you show me then.” #“I thought you’d never ask” I smirk. I reach down into my pants and pull out my phone #“so this one is blue. he’s the oldest but he’s sooooo sweet. and that’s Eva. my only girl she’s sassy but she loves swea-” he leaves #whaddahell I say demurely whimpering even… whaddahell… #gpoy

[firbolgfriend]

Im just yapping but there is this fic on fimficton called Discord of Tomorrow that’s about s2 evil discord traveling forward in time right before he can be turned to stone to switch places with the version of himself (reformed discord) that exists when the elements of harmony are gone, so reformed discord gets stuck in the past and has had to snap away and hide the elements of harmony from the mane 6 so he can focus on trying to get back to the future without getting turned to stone, all while dealing with the moral dilemma of him realizing how easy it was to take the elements and how easy it would be to seriously just take Equestria over again vs being worried about what evil discord is currently doing to his friends in present time. It’s only like three chapters but I think the plot is so funny and the author didn’t even get to the part where evil discord is in the future and the mane 6 is trying to figure out wtf his problem is, thinking he has amnesia or something. I want to make a comic expanding on it so bad I’m like seriously obsessed with it I can’t stop thinking about it

#jabber #there is zero info on where to find the writer the fic is like 8 years old #I wish I could find the author so bad #drawing mlp Is like so easy that I’m getting comic hungry #the idea of past discord being like god past me was so stupid I could have permanently his the elements and #skipped that whole song and dance with the riddle and the labyrinth #. he like hides out in fluttershys cottage while the mane 6 are at twilights freaking out about how evil discord #got away and reformed discord snapping the elements off their necks #and he is messing around and wearing the elements around his torso going on about how easy it is to take them #I want to draw that specifically #then later flutter shy shows up at her cottage and is freaked to find him there but tries to fake nice with him to get him to stay so #the mane 6 have time to arrive but discord has to come to his senses and realize she’s not being sincere and feels bad so he leaves #ughhh #and then the fic was never updated again #I’m so close to taking the torch I can’t stop thinking about this #discord of tomorrow

[laniemae]

I am going to take a break from milgramblr

[important please read]

ok now how do I start. Im going to take a break from tumblr for about a week. Things have been absolutely awful for me here since the very beginning of 2024, even if it may not look that way at times.

to retell the situation it happened with the new years gartic phone game, where someone made a prompt about a ship that made me heavily uncomfortable. To put it loosely it reminded me of an extremely bad experience with a fandom a few years ago when I called out a ship for being creepy and having a huge age gap but I was constantly dogpiled and harassed. It was probably the worst experience I’ve had on the internet and to this day I get really scared of people hating on me and I apologise for everything likely stemming back from the situation.

I tried to persist with the game but I got really upset and left. I expressed on my blog how uncomfortable I felt about the whole situation. Then this one person, who’s a prominent figure in the Milgramblr community, I won’t name them but I think you’ll know who, replied on my post saying that “it’s ok because…” in such an awful tone. It’s hard to explain but basically it felt really bad as they completely dismissed my feelings about the situation just to justify their creepy ship. And even worse, they way they responded was EXACTLY the same way that everyone else responded back in to at old fandom. At the point to I’d much prefer hate and harassment over that false positive attitude.

I freaked out and immediately blocked them and basically went into a panic attack. I was freaking out on my blog and just to make things worse I saw a post praising them and things got so bad. It was the start of the new year and I was on holiday and was supposed to do a bunch of things but because of that situation I was bedridden and couldn’t stop crying. I had so many nightmares about everyone here turning on me and the original incident and I still have them.

the way the person reacted to my situation was absolutely awful. After my breakdown they immediately went to their blog and started posting about how the ships good and you should praise it completely disregarding everything that happened. I’ve always been uncomfortable with them but this pushed me over the edge. And later on I got in contact with someone who was (presumably) trying to help me and we decided to see if that person could make an apology. But they took way to long to even think they gave any attention to the situation and the apology itself didn’t feel that genuine.

This person was still posting about it and didn’t change their pfp and title despite how bad it was to me and they did not do anything at all. Again I’m not naming anyone but I highly recommend you do not support them anymore. I said I’m going to be leaving for a while but if you want clarification on who it is you can just ask, I’ll check my stuff tomorrow morning before I completely shut off for the week.

I don’t know who it was but there was even a throwaway account hating on me and saying awful things. I didn’t care that much as things had already gotten so bad for me that I didn’t care about the opinion of an anon. But like I said, the sickly positive response that person gave was way worse than actual hate.

and that’s only one part of the story. Another thing happened much more recently with the person I mentioned who was trying to help me. They were the first person I followed on Milgramblr and the person who inspired me to join and make all these theories, so with this and them helping me I really looked up to them. It was a few days ago I think but they posted something on their account about that person and wanting attention to them. I expressed my uncomfortable feelings about the situation and they didn’t do anything about it. Instead they decided to KEEP POSTING about it, like constantly and me getting more upset at the situation and how they responded made it clear that they didn’t care at all. I blocked them and we were mutuals for a while.

It’s been a month and I’m still suffering very badly. I’m not constantly crying as I was when it first happened but it still pains me. I’ve been feeling incredibly distressed on this sight knowing that the original person hasn’t done anything about it and they’re still very close. No matter how much I block them or blog tags I still see them in reblogs or bought up. I had to exclude anything relating to the earbuds collab from my milgram archives as it gives me back really bad memories to the pfps involved. I just can’t feel safe in this place anymore and especially that no matter how I feel, nothing has changed since when it happened and no one’s even actually trying to help me or change things.

I’ve just been feeling so bad that I’ve been going days without eating. Just because I can’t be bothered to get out of bed. The only solace for me is sleep but even that’s not good enough as I might have nightmares and I often feel much more tired afterwards. Things are changing for me as I actually have to get up and do something now and it’s surprisingly going kinda well, but that has nothing to do with this situation.

just to note I will be continuing my milgram archives series, I’ve scheduled quite a few posts for this week so they’ll keep going. For me I’ll completely cut off all activity for this week, and may return on Wednesday.

it’s just. I hate how nothings changed. I want something to happen but no one’s helping

#I don’t know how many people will see this #i don’t even know if people will care about this #perhaps I just come back and everything’s the fucking same #I’ve been considering leaving the fandom because of this and I guess this would be to see what’s it’s like #If it’s better to stay or to leave #I’ve blocked so many people from this situation it’s hard to believe #people I thought I could trust… #To say it once again #If you know the person I’m referring to please unfollow them and don’t support them #I can tell you if you ask for a while #And just seeing all the praise the fandom got with people saying the fandom is such a nice and wholesome space is sickening #It was right after what happened and it’s just awful seeing people say that like they don’t care about what happened #They even started a minecraft server which I wanted to join #But avoided like the plague when I realised it was the person who started the original prompt #There was also a thing that happened recently where someone drew all their mutuals as cats #I ended up seeing that person in one of the cats and knowing that they followed them I instantly unfollowed #The cat pfps just make me so uncomfortable as it constantly reminds of the situation #It sounds stupid because it is but I’m at the point where any little reminder can set me off #But it’s not as bad as the collab pfps which I just can’t look at anymore #Although it’s only with a few characters that really make me feel that the art style in general just gives bad memories #To what I said earlier I don’t know anything about the person the originally made the prompts stand on this #I don’t know if they’re purposely ignoring me I don’t know if they even have no idea this is happening but I’m worried #I’ve also had experiences with a bunch of people I used to follow blocking me #And I’ve talked about it here but no one pays attention

[milimeters-morales]

Okay about the control thing Hobie struggles with, he’s all about fighting the corrupt government and corrupted parts of society and just in general challenging everyone’s expectations and making them THINK, but has moments where he overthinks and starts to feel like he’s slowly becoming over controlling and possessive over people, how they act, how they think, how they feel, etc. when that is not the case. Now sure, there are weeks where he does want to just keep all his buddies in one spot to know they are safe, protected, healthy, and can protect him if needed because they are under his watchful eye. He also knows that he can’t and shouldn’t do that, and it’s like he’s pulling teeth keeping himself from doing that. But yknow, he knows that it would undo so much work he’s done, and make his message meaningless if he’s exempt from it

#now i’m not talking about. like how you get worried and anxious over leaving a sick friend alone after staying to help them out for a day #i mean. Hobie would do ANYTHING to get them to not leave where he puts them. he’ll do anything and everything no matter how bad it is #he just wants them to melt into his pores and replace his organs and wants to be the same fleshy mass sometimes #but . yknow. can’t #hobie brown #spiderpunk #spider punk #m&m posts

[nerdy-hyperfixations]

Sorry to be a hater but this is how I’ve been feeling recently

#listen. #I love fluff #fluff is great #but does EVERY relationship have to be fluff and only fluff #I’ve noticed in the past that fandoms fandoms tend to #like #stray away from any conflict between characters they ship that doesn’t end in ‘omg you were right and I was so wrong 🥺’ #‘no I was wrong and I’m so sorry 😖😖😖’ #‘okay let’s agree to never fight again and be healthy and happy forever 🥹’ #and I’m more into complex not quite a perfect fit relationships right now #ones where they struggle to stay together #or where they both like each other but don’t get together for reasons OTHER than miscommunication #ones where they know they love each other but there’s obstacles #or where they’re both abusive shits #or where they’re both shitty people and they fit like a glove #I want more than just ‘luv you bby’ ‘awww me too’ ‘let’s go pet puppies together’ #like sometimes I find two characters and I’m like ‘YES! something refreshing! let me find more content’ #only to find all the fandom flanderized the characters #especially with the more toxic ones #it’s like. they’re shitty people but the fandom can’t explore that so they just remove everything that made them interesting #and its like ‘…why are you using *these* characters to do this?’ #there’s every other character in the world to be sweet and cutesy #I’m hyperfixate on *this* dynamic #not the same dynamic every other relationship before it had #it’s like copy paste characterization regardless of if it makes sense #anyway #sorry for being a bitch about this but whatever :/ #personal post

[8rujaa]

to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?

#im emotionally stuck due to the constant reliving of what happened #i get these weirdly intense flashbacks where i can remember the how the fabric of the couch looked like up close #and how they felt. and how everything looked. the way the colored lights hit the room a certain way #i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao #now i can remember everything like a photograph and sometimes i find myself back in my old apartment and the fear floods my chest #and i can’t breathe and my stomach starts turning it’s terrible. i really felt like i was in hell #i stopped smoking ouid 3 weeks ago bc whenever these flashbacks would happen the high would make them HD and it would send me into a loop #but now i think weed was the thing keeping me above water… it’s been a rough 3 weeks. but before i start smoking again #i wanted to ask if anyone found something else that made it a little easier #it’s been months since our break up and i really want to move on. i’ve tried to meet other people but i’m terrified of men #and i find myself unable to connect with anyone… #i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed #i’ve been doing therapy but i talk about the same thing with her every week. i’m tired of it #i think i’m still in disbelief that they did that to me. i never thought they’d be capable of hurting someone so badly. #i can’t get over the fact that he r***** me for months while i was disabled and pretended not to know what he was doing was bad #i realized he knew when he tried to make it look like i was crazy. that made me really sad. i think i was hoping he was clueless so #i could still believe he was a good person… or at least the man i fell in love with. i was willing to forgive him once he apologized… #when he tried to make it seem like i was going insane the blindfold came off and i saw him for who he really was #like no wonder i was so scared of u dude… no wonder i kept having panic attacks anytime we were together and i couldn’t sleep next to u #i’ve been afraid to admit that shit broke me as a person. i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. i can’t function. #plus knowing i stayed for her bc i was worried for her and didn’t want her to experience the same thing without someone there bc i realized #how good he was at gaslighting and lying. only to find out she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me… she wanted me gone… #i went thru all that for nothing… #and i still don’t understand why each time i tried to leave for my own good- to get medical help and support they begged me to stay!!! why #brain vomit

[dramarants]

don’t even look at me if you wouldn’t consider sealing yourself in an ice coffin with me to stay by my side should I suffer an untimely death 😩

#till the end of the moon #tteotm #ranting #luo yunxi you fucking GOD - the way he speaks to and holds her corpse in both scenes. denial. desperation. fear. disbelief. the trembling. #his face walking up to her coffin and subsequent rage and protectiveness with qingyu over both her and their relationship #no matter how many times she said her purpose was to kill him he still believes they loved each other and refuses anything else #the bracelet sequence the face nuzzle the mirthful laughter #he can’t bear to lose her and he has no idea where to direct his overwhelming pain and sadness despite their conflicts #after all what’s grief but all the love still left to give. he has lost ppl before but not like this #there’s prolly a fair amount of guilt and self hatred underlying everything too #all he's done these last eps is try to hold on to her in every way - with every shred of his being - but none of it worked #‘just say one word please’ ‘you’re really hateful’ AAHHHH #his injured hands shaking her as if things are normal. later tucking her hand in gently as if not to wake her despite the truth. #he's lost all sense of self and purpose. his grasp on reality is hanging by a thin fucking thread #he will gladly live in his delusion & try to stay by her side. even in death. even when she didn't want it. #he can't go on w/o her anymore - doesn't know how. she has fundamentally changed him. #(so much that he even fights the devil god voice in her defense 🙏) #it’s scenes like this that bludgeon you with humanity amidst all the unreal fantastical elements and bring you back to these shows #omg I’m remembering his fixation on her not looking at him with ttml before - boy was already going insane w/o her when she was still there #healthy attachment and coping? ttj doesn't know her 😌 #like idk if he fucks her corpse in the novel but props to lyx I’d fucking believe it #and once again nian baiyu is not paid nearly enough for any of this

[mrsdulac]

.

#a wonderful day turned into a horrific night #i am freaking out #i was staying with a friend #a really good friend and i love them so much #i truly do but their home is infested and I don’t do well with bugs #i tried my hardest to spend the night but there were bugs all over me and i just couldn’t take it #and it was freaking me out #to the point where i think i had a panic attack #so i ordered a uber to go home #in the middle of the night #and i can still feel the fucking roaches on my skin #and I’m breathing real hard in my uber trying to keep it together #and i feel so awful about it #bc i didn’t wake them up to tell them i was leaving #i was honestly just thinking about escape #but i know it’s gonna hurt their feelings which i don’t want to do #but i just can’t sleep in a place where bugs are gonna crawl all over me like #one of my biggest fears is a bug crawling inside my body via my ears or nostrils or whatever #so i just ran #and i feel like that makes me a bad person… #i’m just having a really bad night rn #and could use a hug or three

[rainbowsans]

ur valid to dislike what u dislike but lumping selfcest in w like... incest and underaged content is just kinda insulting to anybody who has been thru those things. couldn't imagine being an incest survivor and getting told ur selfcest ship (harmless, cannot be replicated irl in any way, is not incest) is equally as bad as, ykno, an irl traumatic experience u had. like if u think selfcest is problematic enough to be put in the same category as incest and the sexual exploitation of children, u need to consider how u express that and also maybe log off of tumblr for a while. say it makes u uncomfy n u avoid it, super fair, but the way u treat it is downright insulting to ppl who have gone thru actual real tangible trauma. selfcest isn't real- I can tell u have a stance on it by ur language but maybe reconsider, there's a reason the stance is unpopular

I was sexually assaulted when I was in elementary, I was molested by my cousins, twice. groped by my own uncles, when I was a CHILD.

insulting to people who’d gone through those things?

IVE BEEN THROUGH THOSE THINGS. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.

also, also; here’s the thing.

that rule I have with Selfcest? is for MY personal boundary. I don’t LIKE it, I want people to be aware when they ask ME or come to ME that I prefer to stay away from it. people don’t read my rules so I have to remind them in the “nicest” way possible.

I’m not “insulting” anyone by having that rule, it makes me uncomfortable so I want to avoid it the best I can and I want people to be aware of it, in case they think about wanting to send me stuff involving it:

If people are “insulted” with me gently reminding people when I GET ASKED that “hey, I don’t like this thing so please remember that I won’t draw or do anything with it!” then that’s THEIR problem, not mine.

I am setting my damn boundaries and I won’t be told, again, that I’m the one that’s being MEAN or INSULTING for it.

This is my blog, my art, and I get to set down my rules and boundaries, that’s all.

I put it next to those things because it’s so normalized in the fandom, and whatever, I just want others to know that if they are expecting that stuff in my blog? it’s not there, nor is it welcomed. Period.

and guess what? IVE SAID COUNTLESS TIMES THAT I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT AND AVOUD IT, BLACKLIST IT, and guess what? I STILL have people keep pressuring and demanding that shit to the point where I see it constantly in my inbox.

I HAVE TO GUIDE THEM TO MY RULES, I’m not going to be a damn pushover, I’m not gonna feel like my rules are “mean”, they are there for ME to set boundaries and have a comfortable experience here or ANYONE who feels the same way.

GOD.

#txt #you must be new here because THIS? isn’t the first time someone send me shit like this #I can’t believe this. ‘it’s insulting to victims-‘ I AM ONE OF THEM HELLO? #the undertale fandom is something comforting to me and I’ve done my damn hardest to make a space for myself where I’m comfortable #and it gets draining and tiring when people invade that space for myself that I created to want me to draw that shit #Ive said it OVER AND OVER since back in 2018-19 #that I wanna avoid those pairings #do people listen? no #i tried being nice and avoid it but it’s become so normalized that it’s just expected #i made my blog for folks who wanna have a comforting experience away from that stuff. a funny goofy place in the fandom #and yet I’m always being told I should ‘CONSIDER other people who like it. THEIR feelings’ #or how I’m being so mean and unreasonable with my rules #it’s guilt trippy #just because ‘Selfcest’ can’t happen irl DOESNT MEAN I have to like it for christs sake #come on….I’m staying in MY LANE #and I’m asking people to please. PLEASE just move on from my blog or just block me. I’m tired man #anyways I’m done for now #// sa mention #// Selfcest mention #// incest mention #i can’t believe how guilt trippy this sounds to someone who’s also a victim…god

[tomatoluvr69]

Trader Joe’s theft haul #jacketseason and some incredibly compelling little creatures I would have purchased from goodwill if I wasn’t afraid of accumulating detritus. Sad

#nothing like spending $3.86 in Trader Joe’s and stealing $3 worth. evens out #it is harder to steal eggs and cinnamon bun oat creamer. #i think maybe if you’re new to my blog you may not understand the extremity of my anticonsumerism and frugality LOL #it’s just like…I can’t stay sane if I’m buying more than theeeeee bare minimum you know #i also have this problem where I want to try every weird little seasoning but if it’s bad then I’m down several bucks which could have been #spent on proteins… #and also growing up in a cluttered environment and moving frequently made me extremely wary of accumulating useless items #still trying to find the balance but yeah I just cannot be impulse buying creatures :-(

[luminarai]

.

#my Mom keeps bringing up how our family dog doesn’t have a long way to go anymore #and like #where we’re gonna bury him and so in #and it just keeps wrecking me #like she wants me to be emotionally prepared but I’m not #I’ve already lost two very near family members over the past two years #and I love that stupid silly old dog #I just keep crying at random times because I can’t stop thinking and it hurts #why does grief never get any smaller #my life gets longer and my knowledge and experiences grow but the fucking grief stays static #it just appears in new forms. every time I think I’m ready to move on it takes a new form #I love that silly stupid old dog!!!! and I can’t handle losing him I can’t #I just need everyone I love to stay and not change and to stop the match of time #is that really too much to ask #sorry about this unhinged rambling I’m currently sobbing into a pillow #death mention tw #cecil blogs her life #pet death mention tw

[bardicbeetle]

…

#i want a break please. today sucked. #so my mother leaves tomorrow to head down to her parents. where she will be staying indefinitely #translation: until grandpa dies. #my brother is taking his dog. our dog. the dog we’ve had since he was 9. to get a final vet appt before they decide #on the date to put her to sleep #and i am. i’m so tired. i hate seeing my little brother cry and i can’t DO ANYTHING FOR HIM #i can’t fix this i can’t make it easier its always going to be the worst thing #i can count on one hand the number of times i’ve seen him cry. today was AWFUL #i want to curl up and do nothing. #but i have to put a portfolio together. i have to get my shit together. #im so fucking tired. can the universe chill. 2024 needs to chill. please. this is enough down ramp. thanks. #the magician cries

[seventh-district]

i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)

#Seven’s Public Diary #vent #vent post #cw vent #cw vent post #cw health #cw heart #i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it #i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help #sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me #he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me #sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree #have i Ever actually relaxed #hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch #anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things #a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal #so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now #and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser #i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever #if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked #all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is #every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse #anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches #‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now #i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC #which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it #i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead #anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t. #it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about #i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[aturnoftheearth]

girl who literally has a destiel event going on for the next two weeks: i think i might be done with destiel

#i can’t tell if it’s like. a little bout of seasonal depression or what but i get this way almost every january #where i don’t like any of my interests anymore and revert back to shows/music/etc from like. 7 years ago #and i feel like i spend way too much time here and i don’t get enough enjoyment out of it like why am i being so negative about so many #posts ???? i can’t even scroll on my dash bc i’m just annoyed so often like that’s Not Good #and idk i just realized i spend like. 16 hours a day either completely on here or frequently checking and i regularly stay up until 4/5am #even though i’m more of a morning person and i think it just makes me feel worse lol #so like. yeah spending 80% of my day on here and not even getting enjoyment out of it big red flag moment #anyway that’s why i logged off for like. two days. and i’ll probably log off again i just didn’t want to disappear without explanation

[obstinaterixatrix]

air was telling me about that ultimatum reality dating show thing & that’s crazy. I know it’s probably mostly the aromanticism but I can’t imagine clinging to someone when you’re at the point of making an ultimatum. I’d just leave.

#my ramblings #well I don’t want to fight to be in someone’s life #we’re all busy and of couse I’m gonna try to stay connected to pals #and there are some friends where you don’t talk for a year and then you have a nice convo and part ways again for another year #all chill #but there are. some things that can happen. [resentful] #wait I need to kick her out of something brb #OH MY GOD!!! THAT FEELS GREAT I can’t believe I’ve been waffling on that for like three years #BYE!!!!! #oh I also can delete her contact she probably doesn’t even have the same number #LMAO I ALREADY DID #BYE!!!!!! I KIND OF HATE YOU NOW BYE!!!!! and with that I can release my one-sided resentment and get on with my life #I think it’s also been 3+ years since the other situation as well #there wasn’t any dramatic fallout but honestly? cooked in the oven for a while but now I know: I’m mad as hell #they didn’t do anything wrong I’m just pissed and our ways of navigating relationships is incompatible #almost wish I didn’t block him months ago it would’ve felt great to block him now #wow this is great. #I should get stuck in another one-sided resentment loop so I can block them in 5-7 years and feel this rush again. #lmao