#people I thought I could trust…

[laniemae]

I am going to take a break from milgramblr

[important please read]

ok now how do I start. Im going to take a break from tumblr for about a week. Things have been absolutely awful for me here since the very beginning of 2024, even if it may not look that way at times.

to retell the situation it happened with the new years gartic phone game, where someone made a prompt about a ship that made me heavily uncomfortable. To put it loosely it reminded me of an extremely bad experience with a fandom a few years ago when I called out a ship for being creepy and having a huge age gap but I was constantly dogpiled and harassed. It was probably the worst experience I’ve had on the internet and to this day I get really scared of people hating on me and I apologise for everything likely stemming back from the situation.

I tried to persist with the game but I got really upset and left. I expressed on my blog how uncomfortable I felt about the whole situation. Then this one person, who’s a prominent figure in the Milgramblr community, I won’t name them but I think you’ll know who, replied on my post saying that “it’s ok because…” in such an awful tone. It’s hard to explain but basically it felt really bad as they completely dismissed my feelings about the situation just to justify their creepy ship. And even worse, they way they responded was EXACTLY the same way that everyone else responded back in to at old fandom. At the point to I’d much prefer hate and harassment over that false positive attitude.

I freaked out and immediately blocked them and basically went into a panic attack. I was freaking out on my blog and just to make things worse I saw a post praising them and things got so bad. It was the start of the new year and I was on holiday and was supposed to do a bunch of things but because of that situation I was bedridden and couldn’t stop crying. I had so many nightmares about everyone here turning on me and the original incident and I still have them.

the way the person reacted to my situation was absolutely awful. After my breakdown they immediately went to their blog and started posting about how the ships good and you should praise it completely disregarding everything that happened. I’ve always been uncomfortable with them but this pushed me over the edge. And later on I got in contact with someone who was (presumably) trying to help me and we decided to see if that person could make an apology. But they took way to long to even think they gave any attention to the situation and the apology itself didn’t feel that genuine.

This person was still posting about it and didn’t change their pfp and title despite how bad it was to me and they did not do anything at all. Again I’m not naming anyone but I highly recommend you do not support them anymore. I said I’m going to be leaving for a while but if you want clarification on who it is you can just ask, I’ll check my stuff tomorrow morning before I completely shut off for the week.

I don’t know who it was but there was even a throwaway account hating on me and saying awful things. I didn’t care that much as things had already gotten so bad for me that I didn’t care about the opinion of an anon. But like I said, the sickly positive response that person gave was way worse than actual hate.

and that’s only one part of the story. Another thing happened much more recently with the person I mentioned who was trying to help me. They were the first person I followed on Milgramblr and the person who inspired me to join and make all these theories, so with this and them helping me I really looked up to them. It was a few days ago I think but they posted something on their account about that person and wanting attention to them. I expressed my uncomfortable feelings about the situation and they didn’t do anything about it. Instead they decided to KEEP POSTING about it, like constantly and me getting more upset at the situation and how they responded made it clear that they didn’t care at all. I blocked them and we were mutuals for a while.

It’s been a month and I’m still suffering very badly. I’m not constantly crying as I was when it first happened but it still pains me. I’ve been feeling incredibly distressed on this sight knowing that the original person hasn’t done anything about it and they’re still very close. No matter how much I block them or blog tags I still see them in reblogs or bought up. I had to exclude anything relating to the earbuds collab from my milgram archives as it gives me back really bad memories to the pfps involved. I just can’t feel safe in this place anymore and especially that no matter how I feel, nothing has changed since when it happened and no one’s even actually trying to help me or change things.

I’ve just been feeling so bad that I’ve been going days without eating. Just because I can’t be bothered to get out of bed. The only solace for me is sleep but even that’s not good enough as I might have nightmares and I often feel much more tired afterwards. Things are changing for me as I actually have to get up and do something now and it’s surprisingly going kinda well, but that has nothing to do with this situation.

just to note I will be continuing my milgram archives series, I’ve scheduled quite a few posts for this week so they’ll keep going. For me I’ll completely cut off all activity for this week, and may return on Wednesday.

it’s just. I hate how nothings changed. I want something to happen but no one’s helping

#I don’t know how many people will see this #i don’t even know if people will care about this #perhaps I just come back and everything’s the fucking same #I’ve been considering leaving the fandom because of this and I guess this would be to see what’s it’s like #If it’s better to stay or to leave #I’ve blocked so many people from this situation it’s hard to believe #people I thought I could trust… #To say it once again #If you know the person I’m referring to please unfollow them and don’t support them #I can tell you if you ask for a while #And just seeing all the praise the fandom got with people saying the fandom is such a nice and wholesome space is sickening #It was right after what happened and it’s just awful seeing people say that like they don’t care about what happened #They even started a minecraft server which I wanted to join #But avoided like the plague when I realised it was the person who started the original prompt #There was also a thing that happened recently where someone drew all their mutuals as cats #I ended up seeing that person in one of the cats and knowing that they followed them I instantly unfollowed #The cat pfps just make me so uncomfortable as it constantly reminds of the situation #It sounds stupid because it is but I’m at the point where any little reminder can set me off #But it’s not as bad as the collab pfps which I just can’t look at anymore #Although it’s only with a few characters that really make me feel that the art style in general just gives bad memories #To what I said earlier I don’t know anything about the person the originally made the prompts stand on this #I don’t know if they’re purposely ignoring me I don’t know if they even have no idea this is happening but I’m worried #I’ve also had experiences with a bunch of people I used to follow blocking me #And I’ve talked about it here but no one pays attention

[artharakka]

Beautiful, But Broken

#bg3 #tiefling #tw blood #c: Viivi #so I redid my bg3 character because I wasn't feeling durge that much. So now my sibling does durge and I regular tav Viivi #(changed her to tiefling for funs) #at least I meant to do regular tav but uhhhhh things have gone very unfortunately very fast #anyway. Viivi is an artist; she does painting sculpting poetry and some prose. Experimenting with this and that #unfortunately she is deaf which made making connections a bit hard in the fine arts world #fortunately she has a patreon with one very generous patron (she's fey warlock)✨ who has bestowed some gifts of charms for her #which have opened doors of many art galleries #She's not a fighter so although she is confident in her own lane she is also very aware of her mortality #so she avoided any fights she could #which might have saved her but also got her into the mess of her lifetime #you see she couldn't fight the entire goblin camp and their leaders. She would've just not survived that. So she convinced them #that she is a True Soul. She is good at convincing people. It worked. They thought she is on their side. Good #Halsin also though Viivi was on their side. Halsin attacked Viivi's party. Now Halsin is dead. #So Viivi and her group were still alone deep within enemy fort. Viivi made new plans. She frees the prisoner who says he will warn the grov #Good thinks Viivi now they know to flee. I will go to Minthara and tell we got the information from prisoner of the grove location #she will trust us and we walk off #when we get back to grove they have not fled and Minthara is at the gates #Minthara wants Viivi to sound the horn. Zevlor wants Viivi to sound the horn. Viivi asks Zevlor to please tell this plan in detail. #Zevlor says just blow the horn already. Viivi does that. Minthara thanks Viivi for leaving the gate open as planned #Zevlor does not thank Viivi for that. Viivi is confused as she did not leave the gate open. (for real the damn gate was left open) #So I did a Massacre. #now Karlach is gone Wyll is dead. Lae'zel is also dead #but apparently Minthara is ready to be very loving and sincere with Viivi. The most helpful person she has met in very long time. #Viivi might love her #so that is how she's doing.

[strrwbrrryjam]

its heartbreaking how arthur tries, so hard, on numerous occasions, to get dutch to be the man he knew dutch, or believed dutch to be, the man who stood up for the little man, who took from the rich and gave to the poor, who raised him, loved him, is the reason arthur is the man that he is. he continues to try, he begs and pleads with him, no matter how many times dutch spits on his efforts, he tries so hard, having some hope that the man is still in there somewhere, only to be prove wrong again and again. yet, he still holds out hope, he still tries, even when he's dying, he still warns dutch, and pleads with him to believe, even till the bitter end and god.

it's so heartbreaking how loyal arthur is, and was, and how it doesn't matter if he's loyal, if he follows dutch and abandons everything, his love, his family, for dutch, it doesn't matter in the end as he still chose a man so vile, who he only knew for six months, a man who has only ever fed his ego, a man who actively sold the gang out for his greed over his son who loved him.

#this is the reason why i will always hate dutch more than micah #bc the betrayal micah made was nothing compared dutch's #dutch? dutch betrayed his partners. his sons. his daughters. he betrayed everyone. people who BELIEVED in him #people who trusted him to keep them safe. people who doesn't matter how many times dutch messed up they still stood by him #until it got too much for them. people who loved him. and it was all for nothing. he still sold them out he still spat on their love #as it wasnt good enough for him. he thought he deserved better than what they could give him. #nothing would ever be enough for him and oh i hate that man so much how DARE he #rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #rdr2 arthur morgan #arthur morgan #rdr2 dutch van der linde #dutch van der linde #strawberry speaks

[nandorsrelentless]

there seems to be far too many fans who can't seem to wrap their head around the fact that no relationship in the Vampire Chronicles is healthy. every relationship includes an element of abuse/power imbalance by normal standards. literally every single one.

they are all monsters who are no longer constrained by societal rules. so I don't think it's too crazy to expect them to do mosntorus things. the genre is Gothic HORROR. the show really prioritizes the HORROR element more so than other adaptaions, which i love.

i don't need louis to be a liar to enjoy lestat. if louis lied or misremebered things about the fight in episode 5, i literally do not care because it's never gonna make me hate louis. the baseline of what constitutes "evil" or "bad" is so different in iwtv because of the fact that they are NOT HUMAN. Claudia is literally a serial killer and she's still mother to me. ykwim?

the nature of vampirism is they have to kill to survive. so it would be really cool if people could accept louis, armand, and claudia as complex characters who are fundamentally not good people (because they aren't people!) without being racist about it. THEY ARE ALL KILLERS

im more interested in this exploration of the complexities of memory and seeing how the show integrates the other books into this story in a way that hasn't been done before than I am in discoursing about whether louis is a liar or not. who gives a shit???? grow up and realize that there are no good guys here and that's OKAY

#iwtv #tvc #lestat de lioncourt #louis de pointe du lac #interview with the vampire #amc iwtv #I pretty much cleansed all my feeds so i dont actually see much racism more so than i see people talking about it #just some random thoughts i guess in the wake of the new trailer just because i know things are gonna get weird #it would be nice if audiences could be trusted with complex and morally grey characters of color but idk #but i also think the fact that there are racists is not a reason to NOT make poc characters who are complex #same goes for the people who will interpret the portrayal of a morally grey poc character AS racist #there are certain tropes i think that are always going to have racist implications ofc and im not trying to discount that #but lets all be real here and realize that revisiting ep 5 to add more layers to it is NOT going to exonerate lestat by any means #add more complexity and layers and possibly show that louis was not AS helpless as he showed himself to be? maybe #but they are not going to exonerate the white character to make the black character look evil #idk if any of this made sense im just stream of consciousness rambling

[pinnithin]

enver gortash fascinates me from the perspective of his relationship with the dark urge because like, as far as i know his alliance with them is one of the very few he didn’t actively despise. the guy was sold into slavery by his own parents (who tried to justify it by saying their child was a hateful monster and anyone would have done the same) and spent his formative years employed by a devil who gets off on gratuitous levels of suffering and manipulation. and then once he's escaped that and built himself up so he can never be used and enslaved again he meets this bhaalspawn who also had to adapt and survive a violent and manipulative environment for years by becoming the monsters who raised them.

gortash sees how the dark urge has risen to command armies and slaughter hundreds in the same way he outfoxed raphael and ruthlessly controls the people in his employ, and after earning and owning his reputation as a tyrant heres another person who might actually have like, a shared lived experience. not exactly a friend, because people like them can't afford to have friends, but someone who at least understands. and he willingly works with them on this plan to enslave the sword coast and agrees to share power with them.

and then orin lobotomizes them, puts a tadpole in their head, and leaves them for dead at moonrise.

like, can you imagine. youre working with the first person you see eye to eye with and prooooobably arent plotting to actively sabotage (or, at least would hesitate to do so) and the rug just gets yanked out from under them by their own sister, and now you're stuck with her because the plan still has to move along. and as the days go by a group of adventurers start to screw up your plot right when baldur's gate is within your grasp, and you learn that among them is your old almost-friend who you actually liked and respected - and they have no memory of you whatsoever. oh, and on top of that they're rolling with people you've actively fucked over and want to kick your ass.

did it hurt for him to learn this? did he ever think about how things could have been different? did he think, you were supposed to be my ally, my friend, someone who actually understands that becoming a monster is the only way to keep yourself safe and in control. we were going to rule together. and now you're ride or die with this squad of people you've only known for a few weeks at best, and you want me dead. you don't even remember me. you don't even remember yourself.

#thinking about it from my durge's perspective hurts kinda #because losing their memory is the only thing that freed them enough to trust the people around them #and after meeting gortash and learning their history - and how they used to be friends #they probably thought a lot about how things could have been different if there wasnt a literal elder brain under his enslavement #like man if you werent actively in the way of saving the literal world maybe we could have talked about this #if i can overcome a lifetime of senseless slaughter and learn to love i wonder if you can too #but we'll never know #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #the dark urge #enver gortash #im sure someone has talked about this already but ive just been thinking about it a lot ig #the what-if-ness of it all #long post #pin talks #bg3 gortash

[carlyraejepsans]

i was thinking about that ask i received the other day and how uncharacteristically upset the topic had made me when i usually just think "mh. gross!" and move on, and after mulling it over a while i realized it wasn't about the topic at all, it was the ask itself that freaked me out. i've mentioned sporadically before (for obvious reasons lol) that i used to be involved in fandom discourse when i was younger and that!! fucked me up quite a lot. between exacerbating my ocd and straight up getting cyber stalked (i almost feel guilty using that word, like i don't deserve it but. yeah that is 100% what happened to me), the topic is something I have very complex and personal opinions on but that i hate talking about in public because it still sets off my fight or flight response.

i know some people in the fandom are like "let me know if i ever rb someone who wrote/drew gross stuff" and that's entirely their choice and i respect it. but for the record, i am not one of these people. please, for the love of god, i am asking this genuinely do NOT come into my DMs about this, I don't want to know. assume I'm either living in blissful ignorance or my blacklist already covers me quite nicely & i wanna keep it that way. i vastly prefer the discomfort of stumbling into something unprepared and deciding what to do about it on my own, to the utter pit of dread i get whenever i open a message that starts with "hey just so you know-". i have blocked multiple people in the past over it. i WILL block more. be warned.

[note. this doesn't apply to people who have either hurt or behaved inappropriately with other members of the fandom, or spread bigotry and discrimination like racists and transphobes. please do let me know in those cases]

does this make sense? idk I'm kinda feverish you guys figure it out. I'm going to sleep.

#word from the wise for anyone peering into the jaws of discourse. there are only 2 types of people you can trust on their opinions on it #they are 1) people who have never heard of ship discourse like. at all. and 2) people who know too much about it #and with that i mean people who started off at one end of the discourse ricochetted to the other side and then came out #objectively refusing to associate with any of it. because they Know. that whatever issue lies at the heart of it is never gonna get resolve #with the way that discourse is conducted. and that the problems will never truly be fixed. and even then #you should take three or four of them at once from different starting and ending points and let them talk it out together first #because they all came from different point of views the others could've missed #i cannot WARN YOU ENOUGH. you do not want to be the second type. don't fall in #block who you wanna block and be kind any time you can. most people aren't inherently evil & that's a weird thing to assume about someone #and for the love if god stop fucking beefing with teenagers online #that is all you need to know about this. go have fun #i haveee so many fucking. thoughts about this topic i genuinely think i could have (and have had! seriously!) constructive discussions on i #about what would be helpful and what needs to be changed and what people get wrong. but it's always in private. because of the horrors #anyway shipping wars veteran discounts when

[jasontoddenthusiastt]

Imo Jason is “irredeemable” by default because I don’t see what he needs redemption from.

#I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but joining this fandom made me fucking hate the word ‘redemption’ #no person I’ve seen who is in love with the concept knows the who what where when why or how it should work in a story #apparently it isn’t just themes and tropes anymore people don’t understand the proper use of the word ‘villain’ #kelseethe #also hilarious: Jason should recieve sensitivity training HR style from Bruce ‘I’m the government and children are my cronies’ wayne #if Jasons headstrong/‘answers to no one’ attitude towards vigilantism is what makes people think he's villainous #I hate to be a broken record but the baddie you’re describing is Bruce #nobody thinks he’s a villain for only trusting in his own methods/self and repeatedly isolating himself #and on top of that gaslighting and hurting people around him in attempts to do what HE **thinks** is the right thing #you people always thought *him* heroic not problematic for all these traits #the only difference is Jason isn’t psychologically abusive & controlling #yet he’s still the bad guy just cause he liberally kills folks in the crime business. #l'd argue goth ham war is the b*tman story to remind you of everything that makes Bruce authentically himself #Idk how to tell you that Bruce mentally compromising/crippling his son in a twisted attempt to ‘save him from himself’ #is perfectly in line with slitting the same son’s throat because he couldn’t stand to see him avenge his own killer #and yk what a redemption arc could be interesting for someone like Bruce #because he rarely questions or doubts his choices esp wrt Jason. no matter how morally dubious they may be #I think it would be quite fun to witness his extremely restricted worldview be challenged/shattered he deserves that humbling experience

[linusbenjamin]

Only eight of us survived the crash. I was hurt pretty badly. In fact, if it weren’t for her I would have never made it to the shore. She took care of me, took care of all of us.

#lost #lostedit #tvedit #lost spoilers #kate austen #nikolatexla #i've wanted to make sth like this for a long time indeed #it's not exactly how i planned but still good #no matter how annoying she is from time to time #she's one of my favourite characters #i remember the first time i saw her in handcuffs #i was like 'she was the fugitive???' #i don't know what season 5 & 6 is gonna bring me about kate but better be sth good #btw i *kinda* finished s4 but haven't watched the last 10 minutes #so i still dunno who jeremy banthem is pls don't give spoilers namaste 😂 #in the first episode my guess was that it was one of our people in the coffin i was thinking either locke or sawyer #but now i think it could be benjamin... but locke's a pretty good guess too bc at airport kate was mad at jack for trusting *that* man #anyways for a second i thought 'jeez they're never gonna be able to leave this island' #the last episode was a legit roller coaster

[hillerskaroyals]

wille not being able to say erik died is such an important showing of his grief

#young royals #we obviously saw his grieving in the first ep when he was in erik’s room #but this is the first time we’ve seen how his grief presents around other people #it was easy to admit erik was dead when he was drunk and high but now with nothing to hide behind he can’t do it #it’s almost like by saying it he’s still trying to forget that it’s real #it could also be that he doesn’t trust boris bc this is his first appointment with him #and august was like family #but as soon as boris says he doesn’t have to talk after this he stops #obvi we know he doesn’t want to be there his mom is making him go but k think he stopped bc talking about erik is too painful #every time we’ve seen him think about erik he shuts down #both in his room where he lets his grief surround him literally with erik’s jacket and also when malin broke the snow globe #all the fight seemed to go out of him as he took the phone from jan-olof to talk to his mom #but his focus was still on the snow globe and erik #also sorry about the pic quality i took a pic of my laptop bc i’m lazy lmao #young royals season 2 spoilers #yr s2 spoilers #my yr thoughts

[sadgirlautumn]

idk idk idk I just don’t get why some fans took this album as a personal attack!! Even in the songs where she alludes to people judging her in general I really took it as “wow she must trust us so much to share this with us.” And if you took it personally then you either need to take a step back or maybe you should actually take it personally and maybe realize why your invasion into Taylor’s personal relationships can actually cause harm to her.

#like trust me I didn’t like her matty but I went about my day normally and didn’t bitch and complain about him all day #yeah matty sucks as a person but I was worried about Taylor I wasn’t mad that she was in a relationship I could no longer project onto #anymore #autumn rambles #i definitely did have an ‘oh shit this play is about us’ moment when I heard that one song (I can’t remember the title) but then i #followed up that thought with she’s allowed to say what she thinks and feels the same way I was allowed to express what I thought #so it’s only fair that she would share and mention that on the album when it was clear that people’s disdain for them together actually #pushed them closer rather than further apart like she said on the album

[lyxchen]

Are you guys actually scared that Neil Gaiman is gonna do something to Good Omens season 3 that will break everyone's hearts? Like, something that genuinely isn't good and doesn't make sense for the story?? Because I trust that man with everything about this show. He's gonna write something amazing and it will be great and I'm not even going to be scared about bad things happening because like I said, I trust him with this and if he feels like something bad has to happen for the story to work then I'm sure he'll be right about that. Idk it's okay to speculate and be a bit nervous especially after how season 2 ended but also... season 2 is not the ending of the whole show. Every story has ups and downs and assuming that the ending of season 2 is final and nothing will change about that is just kind of rude? Idk just, Neil Gaiman is smart and incredible at writing so maybe just trust him with this instead of assuming the worst

#like i'm not super deep in the fandom so it could also be that the fans might just be joking #but some of the asks he gets sound so serious #as if people actually think that he's gonna fuck up the whole story #and i just feel like that's a bit disrespectful maybe? #idk idk please don't come for me #all i'm saying is i trust him to write a good ending for this story and the rest of the fandom should too #good omens #lea's random thoughts

[uncanny-tranny]

I really wish there was more insight as to why children are "picky eaters" because the way people go about "fixing us" can be detrimental to our relationship with food.

When I was a kid, I was obviously neurodivergent, and I wasn't tested for anything and never received any support. I was a huge "picky eater" to the point that going to a new restaurant with a menu I didn't know would send me into panic mode. I didn't understand why I felt that way, I didn't understand that I wasn't a selfish, horrible kid for being unable to force myself to eat. I'd be the person sitting at the dining room table for hours because I just couldn't force myself to eat the food I was given.

I understand why parents do that. It can be concerning when you think your kid isn't getting the proper nutrition. It's concerning when a kid's pallete is overly shrunk down. But if you're going about it in a punishing way, you only reinforce the idea that food is bad and dangerous. And if a child knows that eating their food would cause them less grief and stress than not eating the food, and yet they still will not or cannot eat, that's a sign. Maybe work with children, try to understand why they're a "picky eater." Chances are they're not doing it because they personally want to spite you and they despise your very aura.

#parenting #disordered eating #disordered eating tw #and honestly the punishment of food/mealtime is honestly one of the reasons it was *easy* for me to delve into more disordered behaviours #because there was already the looming idea that food was bad but i was worse for not conforming to people's expectations of what i eat #but it could have been so much easier if i was actually asked what about food made me so ridged and 'uncompliant' #and this isn't me saying that you can't/shouldn't address picky eating. i just don't think brute force is effective or appropriate... #...most of the time. many kids do have phases of picky eating and sometimes it's for no reason and sometimes it's because of big concerns... #...that brute forcing can't address. addressing the needs of a child is complex and takes time but it's worth it to get to a spot wherein... #...the child trusts that they're safe and that food isn't an enemy - it's just fuel and we can make that act taste great #just a thought my brain was like 'here's this before i got to sleep have fun thinking on it 👍'

[bee-turtle-kind]

Scarlet Hollow characters I DO trust with my life and love: the demon stalking you, your cousin everyone hates who has likely committed murder, the abomination of changing flesh and bones that hangs out in the morgue, the possums in my drawer

Scarlet Hollow characters I DO NOT TRUST and never will: sybil. fucking. Local Town Grandma

(Also accurate small town representation)

#scarlet hollow #sybil #im gonna go off but #MANNNNN I do not trust sybil #i feel bad since in my area i generally do not trust most old people because i know everything is so generational and interconnected #and sybil reminds me of that distrust so much #in the whole tea scene i had to see her reactions to all the different responses to who the cat is in different runs and man. #she is setting you up HARD!!!!! #she smiles when you say tabitha and is most agreeable with it being tabitha no matter what reasons you give for her to NOT BE the cat #i really end up trusting everyone she doesn't want me to trust 10x harder. wayne and tabitha team if they just could vibe together..... #i feel the whole cat thing is also just to reassure you that you cant trust anyone except her rather then any Real thing #it does worry me though because i feel shes orchestrated everything. shes too aware and after ch4 i believe the tea controlling theory hard #and i wonder how far it goes? you have to think her tea blends are given to THE WHOLE TOWN #how much does she control? how much can she see? i feel she likely can see thoughts and bend them but if its wide spread #its just a matter of who and what has her attention. #i havent done a run with mystical and high kaneeka friendship yet but want to see if that helps any #scarlet hollow spoilers #scarlet hollow ch4 #technically just in case

[fuckyourtriangles]

Don’t fight your depression. Befriend your depression instead!

#disney dreamlight valley #I'd fight me if I could tbh #like irl if I could tear away the parts of me that I hate #and beat them into the ground to never return #I would in a heartbeat #at least in this game the manifestation of your child-self is just going through it #like they're just sad about growing up and feeling misunderstood #and also being used by people they thought they could trust

[birdricks]

thinking about rick admitting to only helping with the war because he wanted bp to respect him. and not realising the irony in admitting this and how it loses him that very respect

#WORST FUMBLE IN HISTORY. #birdrick #ok but genuinely. bp must REALLY care for rick to trust him still after like. EVERYTHING #i think they were close enough that bp can understand ricks motivation for doing things better than rick himself at times #(eg: rick not telling him abt his daughter) #so while bp may not agree with rick on a lot of things he still gets and respects Why rick does stuff #and same like vice versa #bp was able to put aside his hurt to tell rick to call him if he needs #and rick was able to root for bp at the wedding despite clearly hurting #etc etc #i think bp would have a good grasp on how rick could come to see everything as pointless #depsite not knowing abt the portal gun EXPLICITLY. #just as rick would have an understanding of why tammy and birddaughter mattered so much to bp #but i think rick gets wrapped up in himself a lot #him making like. the exact same mistake after reviving bp as at bloodridge is.. crushing #he just forgets. or like it doesnt occur to him in the moment that people might not want the same things as him #but ohhh man. it hurts so bad #rick doesnt hold any grudges toward bp it seems. like as much as he throws insults around all he ever does is try to support bp #like even w bloodridge it seems more that his avoidance was due to being embarrassed of what he did #BUT. memory rick thinking bp is the asshole. implying again bp thought at least for a while that rick rlly hated him for it #but yet they still consider each other their closest friend. and both love each other and would drop everything to help each other #fuck my life man. seriously #wtf was i talking abt. i forget im just rambling npw #ohhh they make me explode.

[evilkitten3]

thinking about the sannin and abandonment and the past following you wherever you go no matter how hard you try to leave it behind and staying and clinging to whatever you have left until it twists you into something unrecognizable and chases you out and clinging to it even after that while getting worse and worse and watching everything you love die and pushing away whatever you have left and abandoning people who need you because staying is killing you and leaving and leaving also killing you and the worst coping mechanisms known to man and trying so hard not to remember when you were just three kids with a teacher who adored you before everything collapsed in on itself now none of you can stand the sight of each other and the devastation of war and fame gained through clinging to your life and being so defined by survival that you forget to do anything else and people trying to rely on you when you can't even rely on you and dying alone with your regrets and the endless cycle of rebirth and alcoholism

#naruto #naruto shippuden #the legendary sannin #densetsu no sannin #jiraiya #senju tsunade #orochimaru #sarutobi hiruzen #i know jiraiya is. awful but. i do like him when he's not being gross #and there's a Lot going on there. it's just that the grossness is also there a lot #tsunade is so full of issues. like so full of them #also i find it really interesting how jiraiya left and tsunade left and orochimaru stayed #he always had problems too ofc but he became what he became because unlike jiraiya and tsunade he didn't leave #until he had to #how jiraiya and tsunade left for selfish reasons but were ultimately right to do so #how orochimaru stayed and destroyed himself #how sarutobi was the catalyst for so much bc he cared too much in the wrong ways #trusting people you've known for so long and trying so hard to be the man your teacher thought you could be #but never fully realizing the flaws in him or in your comrades or your students or yourself #being given a mantle you didn't ask for bc you offered yourself up as a sacrifice #being placed on a pedestal and being too afraid to step away from it or view yourself outside of it #being a sad tired old man who tried too hard in the wrong ways and not enough in the right ones #dying at the hands of someone you adored but also abandoned in your own right #loyalty and treachery and becoming something new and trying and failing and the consequences of your actions #killing someone you love. loving the person who's killing you. being morned by people who should and one day will hate you #fighting for an ideal that doesn't exist and never existed and never could exist but you can't admit it or else what's the point #living in a world that no longer remembers what a childhood looks like and maybe never knew to begin with #the world breaks you and everyone you love and you break yourself and the world and everyone you love and everyone you love breaks you too #also there's monkeys