#call this healing my inner child or whatever but as someone that went through A LOT of trauma as a kid... just smthn about these heros from | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

varnienne · 3 years

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At His Mercy

This is for the Citrus Dome's Hybrid AU Collab. It's so late and I feel terrible but life is so hectic for me rn. aflskfj this is my first attempt at writing monster smut so please be patient with me T-T

CW: dubcon, naga!Shinsou, edging, minor degradation/name calling, gn!reader but they have a pussy, I think that's it?

A rodent squeaked as it raced across the ground. You jumped, heart thumping in your chest as you turned at the sound. Brightening your lantern, you glanced around. Nothing. You sighed.

Why did I take this job again? Oh, right. The reckless dumbasses in your party were still healing from the last job. Next time they want to fight an elder black dragon, you’re going to teleport them as far away as possible. Now, here you were, on a solo quest to help pay for lodging and food while they recovered. They owe me for this.

Something pulled at your senses. Frowning, you concentrated on it. No oily malice, but no warmth of light either. You hesitated. Last time this happened, it led you to an abandoned mansion full of strange traps and gifts. Poor Mina was now cursed with a ghost child haunting her. At least you got a new spellbook out of it.

Another tug made you stumble. Guess I don’t have a choice. Slow, hesitant steps, the light of the lantern showed nothing but glistening rock. A cold droplet fell on your hand. You raised a brow, brushed it off, and kept walking. A few more landed on your clothes. What… your gaze moved to the ceiling. Eyes wide, you swallowed thickly. Sharp stalactites dripping with water hung low. Well, if I wasn’t careful before, I sure as hell will be now.

The strange pull coalesced and swelled until it pulsed from ahead. Magic sliced through the air, disturbing the formations above you. Several began to shake. Shit. You pushed off and didn’t look back. Some of the fallen stalactites started to block your path. Throwing your free hand out, magic surged from the pendant around your neck.

“Guiding Bolt!” Light converged into a ball. The ball raced forward, crashing through the rocks. The path was clear. More stalactites fell behind you. One skimmed past your leg. Another just missed your ear. You pushed harder. I’m not gonna let something like this kill me!

Another tremble alerted you to the largest column cracking and starting to fall. If you didn’t hurry it would cover the exit. But the stalactite was falling too fast to cast another spell. You leapt forward and rolled into a ball. The column crashed as you stood, ice shooting down your spine at the echoing thud. That was way too close.

You brushed yourself off and checked your lantern. “Dammit.” The glass was shattered and the last of the oil shimmering in a puddle by your feet. You shrugged. It was cheap anyway. Digging in your bag produced a striking stone. “Light,” you murmured. The stone sparked a few times before igniting, its glow just bright enough to see ahead of you. “Perfect substitute.”

~oOo~

Another hour of walking brought you to a three-way division. The pull surged once more, drawing you to the left path. It had a soft light that radiated with warmth.

The further in you went, the stronger its glow became. A gasp left you at the beautiful geode. Its vibrant purple crystals glittered from every crevice. The pull you felt earlier rippled all around you. This was the source of it. The geode’s aura hummed with a soft trill. Your eyes closed as the soft tinkling echoed in your ears. A smile danced on your lips as the magic enveloped you into an intoxicating high of warmth and comfort. There’s a word for this feeling. What was it again?

Something slithered around your ankles and a deep, timbre chuckle caressed your ears. “Well, well, well. Looksss like I found a would-be thief.”

“A… a thief?” Wait… were they talking to you? Your eyes opened as you tried to sense who was behind you. A yelp escaped your lips as you were lifted from the ground. Now hanging upside down, you stuttered out, “N-no! No, I wasn’t trying to…” But you were. For your client, at least. He wanted a small pouch full of crystals for the village’s power system. “Alright, I was.” Shaky hands waved in front of your face. “But I-I’m sure a few... small ones should work fine.”

The voice scoffed. “That’s what they all said.” Whatever held you up, shifted. You gasped when your gaze met the being who trapped you.

His deep violet scales glimmered with the geode’s light. Bright lavender hair defied gravity in soft spikes. Lithe, sun-tanned skin covered his torso, sloping down into a thick tail that disappeared into the darkness before looping back through the crystals and around your ankles. But what really caught your attention were his eyes. Slitted pupils with violet irises as deep as his scales, a quiet hunger for something you couldn’t place in them.

“Tell me,” he brought you closer, gaze narrowed on you. “What should I do with you?”

You gave him a shaky smile. “Le-let me go?”

The naga laughed. “That was a cute try,” you flushed, “but no. Can’t let you go that easy.”

Maybe if you could focus on another spell-

“What time of year is it?”

You blinked at him. “What?”

Shinsou huffed. “What time of year is it out there?”

“Uh… It’s almost time for the autumn harvests.” Heart pounding furiously, you eyed the growing smirk on his face and swallowed. “Why?”

The naga chuckled. “The villagers only ever send someone down here every few years before winter.” His tail finally lowered you to the ground. Though it coiled further up your legs. “Usually as some kind of sacrifice. Looks like they chose you to be next.”

“Sacrifice?” Escaped as a mere whisper. “What… what happened to the others?”

Shinsou slithered closer and cradled your face in one hand, the other carding through your hair. It loosened your braid and forced your hood down. His smirk turned into a wide smile that showed all his fangs. Another chuckle. You shivered.

“Depends.” His long tongue flicked out. “Do you wanna be eaten?” His thick coils tightened around your body, the pressure soothing knots in your shoulders and back. The softness of his scales relaxed the last of your tension. “Or would you rather face the villagers that sent you here?”

“I…” With your friends still recovering, you weren’t strong enough to fight an entire mob alone. But was becoming food really much better? “I don’t know.”

A strong hand lifted your chin. You glanced into Shinsou’s eyes. Funny. Were they glowing like that before? Or was that the crystals’ light in them? Claws gently slid up and through your hair.

“So, you want to be eaten?” You answered with a breathy yes. He chuckled. The deep tone had warmth rushing to your face. “Just remember, you asked for this.”

You blinked when the end of his tail tapped your nose. It brushed across your cheeks and trailed down to your neck. You shivered. Shinsou’s eyes flashed. His tail uncoiled from around you. Every touch of his scales on your skin sparked heat low in your abdomen. He smiled and finally released you from his coils.

Clothes in disarray, your shaking legs gave out. Shinsou caught you. “Careful now. Wouldn’t want a nasssty spill.”

You gasped. A tremble rippled through you. Shinsou’s hands grabbed your hips as his tail slithered between your legs. It teased you, moving higher and higher. Then it stopped. You rubbed your thighs, trying to relieve the ache.

Shinsou leaned in, breath ghosting over your ear. “If you want to be eaten, beg for it.”

You bared your teeth at him, but he only chuckled. Damn. Then his fangs nibbled at your neck. Fuck it. “Please,” you whined.

He smiled into the base of your neck. “‘Pleassse,’” His tongue slowly dragged up to your ear. Smiling lips barely touching the shell of it, he whispered, “What?”

Breathing ragged, you mewled and grabbed his arms. “Eat me.”

“With pleasure.” His tail brushed your inner thighs and wrapped around your waist. Coils shifted as he raised you high enough to reach your sex, tearing your clothes off. Shinsou set you down on a small pile of his tail. Clawed hands gently trailed down your hips and thighs. Your sex twitched when he pushed your knees apart.

He breathed in deep. Eyes rolling back, he growled. “Fuck. You smell deliciousss.”

Two fingers gently traced over your puffy lips. Up. Over your clit. Down. Barely sliding in. Shinsou teased your sex again. And again. You squirmed, trying to buck your hips onto his fingers. To no avail. A whine sounded from your throat.

“Impatient to be eaten are we?” He tapped your clit then gently rubbed it in circles. Slowly, so, achingly slowly, he leaned down. Breath ghosting over your pussy, he smirked. Then steadily licked up your slit.

You mewled. “Please, make me cum.”

“That’s sssir to you, little slut.” His deep chuckle rippled through you, strengthening the haze in your mind. Shinsou gently thrust into you. It writhed around, searching for that special spongy spot that should be…

Your back arched as your fingers dug into his tail. “Oh, fuck!”

Right there. The naga kept attacking that painfully wonderful spot. Rubbed your clit in faster circles. His fangs gently nipped at your nether lips with every thrust of his tongue. A clawed hand snuck around your thigh, holding your hips still. Shinsou stopped.

You whimpered when he pulled away. “Ah, ah, ah.” He glanced up, juices glistening on his lips. “You haven’t earned it yet.”

Blunt nails dug deeper into his scales as he edged you again. End of his tail slithering around your neck. And again. Fingers ghosting up your sides. Claws flicking across your nipples. And again. Tongue sliding against that delicious spot.

Finally, you couldn’t take it anymore. “Please sir, can I cum?”

Shinsou gently rubbed your clit. “Don't you want to feel this good all the time?” You whimpered and hastily nodded. He smiled with all his teeth. “Then all you have to do is sssubmit.”

#shinso x reader #gender neutral reader #hybrid au #shinsou x reader smut #shinsou hitoshi #naga!shinsou #naga #my hero academia #boku no academia #mha fanfiction #fantasy au #bnha #bnha fic #mha fic #my hero fanfic #dubcon cw #mild dubcon

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xthunderbolt · 3 years

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Some romanian myths and legends I grew up with that might be relevant to Servamp somehow

Romania has A LOT of myths and legends, especially about vampires and spirits, and all of them depend on the area you go to. Most myths you might have heard come from Transylvania because of Dracula, but these are all from my grandparents' area and the area I grew up in, which is a little far from Transylvania. Also a little warning: we are weird.

1. VAMPIRES ARE DESCENDANTS OF DEMONS

This is a pretty popular one, and the reason for it is Vlad Tepes. It's said that he made a blood pact with the devil for him to become a vampire, and what do we have in Servamp?

If the text ain't clear enough, it's about how Sensei's reincarnation technique is similar to that of a Servamp's creation and how it includes the vessel drinking the blood of the core. And sure, maybe it's not the blood pact we've read in stories and seen in movies, but... the blood is offered (forcefully or not), so it's like a pact made between the vessel and the core, a pact for immortality.

It's also believed that after death, the demon they made the pact with, takes them with them in the underworld and turns them to demons. And in Servamp we have the Inners who practically turned some humans into vampires by becoming part of them, and I think we could consider the underworld their inner world, since it's also part of the Servamp.

2. STRIGOI (stree-go-ee)

I actually wanted to turn the myths about them into a Servamp theory because there are a lot of similarities between them, but we still have yet to learn a lot about Servamps and their Inners.

Nowadays, they're called evil spirits who come to torment their families and friends who did them wrong during their life (similar to poltergeists). Back in the day, they were called living dead or vampires. It was believed to be the actual dead who got up of their graves and went to torment their families and friends and even to kill them for, you guessed right, blood.

It's also believed that strigoi can change into animals, usually bats or black cats. And what do we have in Servamp?

Plus the other Servamps with their animal forms.

And Hugh is the fucking representation of a traditional vampire c'moooon.

And it's not over.

They only got out of their graves at night because they couldn't maintain their human forms in the sunlight. And what do we have in Servamp?

But here's another super interesting thing. There are many ways to kill one, but one of the methods used in my grandparents' area was to put a wooden or silver stake through them - usually the chest to pierce the heart - so that they wouldn't get out of their graves anymore.

And what do we have in Servamp?

They also used to open up their graves when the sun was the strongest so "they'd burn the strigoi in them", but this is not relevant to Servamp.

But wait, there's more! In some cases, strigoi are born with weird conditions, but in most cases, it was believed that the people most likely to turn into strigoi, were the ones who

Practiced witchcraft (though looking back at the stuff we do/did, we all practice(d) witchcraft dkdksk)

Lived in heavy sin

Died of su!c!de

Died a tragic death

Born the seventh child of the same sex

It's not known yet how Servamps died but I mentioned these because all of us headcanon that they died in tragic ways. Plus there are seven vampires, though I know that this is related to their sins, but the coincidence it's interesting.

3. MOROI (moh-roh-ee)

These are like... a lower class of Strigoi I think I could say. The only difference between them is that these ones aren't as strong and dangerous. And they only come to kill and eat animals.

But what do we have in Servamp?

Subclasses. (I can't add pics anymore so imagine here a pic of Belkia and Hugh and Kuro talking about them.)

4. TO KEEP EVIL SPIRITS OR STRIGOI AWAY FROM YOUR HOME, YOU HAVE TO PUT GARLIC BY ALL YOUR WINDOWS OR CLEAN THE OUTSIDE AREA AROUND YOUR HOUSE WITH A BROOM MADE OF OAK OR PINE BRANCHES AND THEN LEAVE IT BY THE ENTRANCE DOOR (we're weird, ok?)

But here's our traditional whoosh-spirits-away broom and what we have in Servamp.

5. BLACK CATS

Hilariously enough, even if it's believed that Strigoi can take their form, we don't consider them bad luck. Unless they cross your path. And if this happens, you gotta take three steps back and spit three times (WE'RE WEIRD, OK?), one it's to ward off the bad luck, one so the cat won't take a life away and one I forgot.

But the thing related to Servamp here is that we consider it good luck to keep a black cat around your house. Not only it keeps evil spirits away, but it also brings in health because of the myth of their nine lives. And Kuro considers himself a soothing/healing cat.

6. TO LIFT GENERATION CURSES PUT ON YOUR FAMILY YOU GOTTA PUT A VIRGIN ON A HORSE AND HAVE THEM SURROUND YOUR HOUSE FOR EACH CURSED GENERATION. WHEN THE HORSE DIES, THE CURSE IS LIFTED (I'm sorry we're so cruel)

And we have this sexy motherfucker on a skeleton horse AND I'M NOT SAYING HE'S A VIRGIN, BUT WHO KNOWS? 👀

7. IF SOMEONE DIES AT A YOUNG AGE OR BEFORE GETTING MARRIED YOU GOTTA GIVE THEM A SILVER JEWERLY - USUALLY A RING - SO THEY WON'T COME BACK TO LOOK FOR A SPOUSE OR TAKE SOMEONE FROM THE FAMILY THEY WERE CLOSE WITH WITH THEM (example: my aunt lost a 12yo daughter and they forgot to give her the silver necklace. Four months later, her sister died, who she was very close with)

But whatever, here's Lawless with what I think is silver besides the gold.

PLEASE NOTICE HIS PURPLE UNDERWEAR

#servamp #servamp manga

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pricescigar · 2 years

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College AU

Admin Note: @chrystallenex is my main source of ideas, and never fails to do so! (You ask and you shall receive!)

Elvira knew this was a big opportunity for her, the one you should never take down. Alas it made no difference. With her amazing grades from school, she managed to get into College with no problem at all. And so with the many subjects that would be good for her; In the long run she chose Art & History. Both she was passionate about (On the sidelines she keeps herself up today in terms of learning English and Russian at most) Both she was fluent in, well to be honest she is more confident in speaking Russian rather than English itself. Today was her first day of College. Admittingly she felt nervous, it was in a different location, new people, new area. Hell everything felt new to her at this point, it wasn’t long ago she moved to America anyways. Her adoptive parent/Guardian had an amazing job opportunity, once in a lifetime. He also assured that he wanted what was best for Elvira; No matter what it was, he liked seeing her happy and cherished her like any parent should cherish children and not do the opposite of it.

Her adoptive father better known as “Mr King” It wasn’t his actual name but it was a nickname, he gained it over the years by reputation. He dropped her off in front of the College Campus, luckily for them it was a ten minute drive. At first he asked her if she wanted to stay at the Campus but she didn’t want to. He understood regardless, and was happy with whatever choice she would make. And doing in what made her happy and that’s what ever mattered to him

“Have a good day ok? I love you, if there’s any problems don’t hesitate to call me ok?” King replied, he adopted Elvira two years ago even he was astonished at how quick the time went by. And how quickly Elvira grew up to be such an individual; Personally he had no children himself. Due to him working all the time,and when meeting Elvira it was as if something clicked into his mind. And the rest is basically history, it was the best thing that ever happened to him.

“Don’t worry I'll be ok, and ja I’ll make sure… have a good day too, Vater.” Elvira smiled softly at him, she kissed his cheek before taking her seatbelt off and getting out of the car and shutting the car door behind her.

“You know- I have a golf club in the car boot, and I swear if any of those jockeys or bikers. Whatever you call them these days and hit on you, tell them they'll get a visit from Mr King himself!” King would say before laughing at his own joke.

Elvira couldn’t help but laugh as well, shaking her head looking back to King. “But that won’t be necessary, I will make sure they won’t bother me at all.” Elvira would say to him reassuringly. The last two years may have been hard for Elvira, despite all of that healing that needed to be done. But despite that, King helped Elvira through it. She may not have had the best Childhood but he helped her heal her inner Child as many would say. And that alone was enough, she wasn’t scared to share her own feelings anymore like before all of this.

“Hey! Excuse me miss! Watch out!” A voice called out, and Elvira turned to see someone who was speeding on a skateboard fast going towards her. Quickly she moved out of the way, sadly the person lost balance and hee had fallen off the Skateboard

“Ok, ok you win. Have a good first day at College ok sweetheart?” King smiled at her, it was one last kiss on the cheek before he would drive off to work. Elvira would wave goodbye before she looked over to the huge Campus, it was magnificent. Elvira took a deep breath , before beginning to walk trying to find her first class which was History. She knew it would take her a while to get used to this place, and that was ok. Elvira could cope with that, there was no true meaning in getting lost. She could either follow the many signs, or simply ask someone.

“OW! My head, fucking shit… Bad idea, bad idea…” Frank groaned in pain holding onto his head. Elvira quickly saw that he had fallen down quickly going towards him. While Woods’ best friend had quickly followed behind as well.

“Mein Gott, are you ok? Let me see if you’re bleeding or not.” Elvira would kneel down towards Woods, keeping her eyes on him as she observed how badly he had hit his head. Woods removed his hands, soon opening his eyes. Once those eyes opened, he had seen the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life; Woods became speechless, practically lost for words. He could get lost into those eyes of her’s, such a unique colour. Green and white as well. There had to be some meaning behind it, and her raven black hair was such a beautiful colour too.

“I’m ok, really I'm good. Been through worse, ya know? Say, never seen you before… You're new here. Aren’t you? Cause you’re really beautiful.” Woods became bashful as he grinned a little, he felt giddy but happy.

“Well I’m glad you’re ok, and ja I’m new here. My name is Wolff- Elvira Wolff, pleasure to meet you.” Elvira stood up, extending her hand out, Woods gladly took it and she helped him up from the floor.

“Damn such a pretty name, I’m Frank Woods pleasure to meet you! You’re gonna like it here. Hell I mean everyone likes it here. Hey Mason! Come and meet the new girl!” Woods called out to Mason, who soon arrived quickly.

“Damn Frank, you really need to be more careful.. You could’ve hurt her, you know?” He then turned over to Elvira then he smiled, she was quite beautiful. Hell this might be his chance to hit on her, if Frank hadn’t tried to do that already, trying to make up for the fact that he had nearly hurt her in the process. He then smiled at Elvira, introducing himself to her. “Names Alex Mason, Frank’s best friend, sorry if he nearly hit you. It was my fault, dared him to come bowling into the Campus as fast as he could.” Alex then chuckled nervously.

“Well it’s good to meet the both of you, aand it’s alright as long as you apologise for it. It’s all good.” Elvira assured them, she knew it was an accident anyways; And a dare, so there was no point in making a big deal about it.

“Hey, I just had an idea. Maybe we should introduce her to the others because they'll like her. And then Park won’t be the only girl anymore. Good idea eh Alex?” Frank then nudged him. With Alex nodding in agreement to him. The lectures wouldn’t start for another good couple of minutes, as trying morning lectures were. It was good to kill some time, just a little bit.

“Yeah good idea Frank, Elvira, would you like to join us? The others are really nice, it’ll be good to get to know you a little more.” Alex offered to her with a smile across his face, of course they wouldn’t be offended if she said no.

“Oh of course I would like to, both of you sound nice anyways. And I’m sure your friends will too. Let’s go.” Elvira replied to them with a smile, both Alex and Frank were happy the trio began to walk to where the others were hanging around near the campus.

Adler, Lazar, Park, Sims and the others were hanging around. They had no idea where Frank or Alex went, it was almost like they had disappeared. Which wasn’t the first time, so they didn’t really care so much. They would wait till they would return, it killed some time anyways before the Lectures.

Adler was smoking a Cigarette before seeing Frank and Alex in his sight, along with another person beside them Elvira. He had never seen her before, so he easily assumed she was new. At this point sometimes it was easy to tell if someone was new or not. “Oh so none of you actually hurt yourselves for once, though I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.” He then looked over to Elvira. “Never seen you on Campus before, I’m Russell Adler what’s your name?” He asked with curiosity.

“My name is Elvira Wolff. It's good to meet you Russell, actually I met Alex and Frank at the front. Poor Frank hit his head a little, but I think he should be ok.” Evlira spoke reassuringly, before waving to the others. They acknowledged and said hi back in their own way.

“Yeah, nearly hit her, but luckily Alex told her to move as quickly as she could.. And then I hit my head.” Frank chuckled nervously, before Russell shook his head a little. But it made the others chuckle a little; “typical Frank.” They would always say.

“Well luckily I ain’t mending no wounds, no nothing.” Lawrence would say to Frank, before then waving over to Elvira. She did seem pretty cool, even by looking at her. “Hey new girl my name Lawrence Sims. Can’t wait to get to know you!” he said.

“I’m Helen Park, looks like I won’t be the only girl after all. You’ll fit right in.” Helen would say, winking at her which made Elvira smile softly nodding to her

in agreement.

“Last but not least.. I’m Eleazar Azoulay, but you can call me Lazar for short. Sometimes I prefer that. But welcome to the group Elvira.” Lazar would say giving her a kind smile, they all seemed happy to meet her.

“It’s so good to meet you all, I’m sorry if my English is a bit bad. I only just moved to the area not long ago.” Elvira replied, regardless of that they seemed to understand her pretty well. And that was good, today was already a good day already. She couldn’t wait to tell her father about it when the day was over.

“So Elvira, what are you going to be studying here?” Park asked her curiously, she was eager to know just like everyone else.

“I’m studying History and art, two of my favourite subjects. I did well on both of them, my Vater told me to pursue my dreams so.. This is what I'm going to do.” Elvira said, smiling softly, feeling excited. She couldn’t wait for it.

“Oh that’s so cool I’m doing History too along with international relations. I can show you where the History Lecture is. We can always walk there together. And I can show you on the map where the art department is.” Helen said to her.

Elvira nodded in agreement and smiled at her, sitting down next to the others and getting to know them. Even finding out what the rest of the group wanted to pursue in the future at hand too. Sims was doing Computer Science and Engineering, Lazar was doing Chemistry and Physical Education, Adler was doing Russian and International Relations like Park. Alex was doing mathematics and Physical education, last but not least Frank was doing Physical education like Lazar and also.

“Shit it’s almost time already? Well see you all later, don’t wanna be late again!” Woods would say, quickly going away quickly, Lazar and Mason couldn’t help but chuckle saying his goodbyes and quickly following Frank. Everyone individually said their goodbyes and a day of Lectures would begin.

#call of duty #cod #black ops cold war #cod cold war #black ops #call of duty cold war #writer #writing #au #alternate movie posters #college au #oc #ocs #elezar azoulay

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alj4890 · 3 years

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Delicate

(Olivia Nevarkis x Ethan Ramsey) in a Choices The Royal Romance/Open Heart Crossover crack series.

A/N This series will go back and forth with memories and to how things are progressing for Olivia and Ethan. We will also see how Drake reacts to everything. In this chapter, Olivia is getting ready for her first date with the doctor while thoughts of the past with her friends and parents accompany her.

@jooous @krsnlove @motorcitymademadame e I lost my tag list for this. If you want to be tagged, let me know. 😊

Masterlist

Part 1

Olivia's Apartment, Boston...

Wiping the fog off her mirror, Olivia paused to truly examine herself. She noticed the damp red curls, ivory skin blushing from her hot shower, and the expression on her face.

Am I...am I giddy?

She leaned in closer. Her green eyes were actually shining. Not from tears. Not flashing with anger. The cause was something different.

Ethan was responsible for this transformation.

In fact, now that she thought about it, this change had been gradually happening since she met him.

Is this why Liam and Riley were willing to do whatever it took to be together? Why Maxwell has more frequent flier miles than anyone else? Why Hana beams whenever Rashad is near? Why Amanda is willing to live part of the year away from Cordonia?

Could it be, love? No. Too soon. We've done nothing but discuss the new hospital.

Another stray thought creeped in as she dried her hair.

What about the coffee shop?

Those, well she wouldn't call them dates, agreed upon moments where the two of them escaped Edenbrook to talk over cups of coffee. Those not a date times had ended up being where they learned more about each other.

If she was brutally honest with herself, she would admit that she might have been more open with him than any other man she knew.

He somehow made it easy for her to share her past.

Perhaps it was because they had both been abandoned as children.

It was a form of abandonment, Olivia thought. My parents were willing to put their selfish reasons before their five year old daughter. They were willing to chance making me an orphan just so they could rule Cordonia. Whatever affection they held for me wasn't enough to make them stay.

And just like them, Ethan's mother had put her wants before her son.

The image of his face that day his mother was brought in the emergency room with a drug overdose came to mind.

Olivia knew that type of anguish. It could only come from a wound that never completely heals. It came from that broken trust in the very people who were supposed to love and care for you unconditionally.

It could only come from a parent walking away from their child.

After giving the case to another physician and needing a moment away from the situation, Ethan invited her out for coffee and told her about his mother.

When he struggled to get the words out of how he was when she first left, Olivia had done something she never did for someone outside her small inner circle.

She reached across their table and took his hand, then offered her understanding by sharing with him what her parents had done.

Those startlingly blue eyes of his had fixed upon her face. He didn't say a word to interrupt her.

He only held her hand.

They knew in that instant that they had found someone who could truly understand their resentment that fluctuated with a yearning for what should have been. Found someone who had worked just as hard to prove that they could survive without their parents. Found a person who didn't need explanations for the heartache they had suffered but tried to keep hidden.

Olivia had once thought Drake would understand and maybe he did. But, he had tried not to get into deep discussions with her. The few times she had attempted to talk to him, he had distracted her with a kiss or changed the subject.

Perhaps that was a sign that he couldn't feel anything more than sexual attraction for her.

Olivia shook her head at these thoughts and went to her closet. Her lips curved somewhat as she went through the many dresses Hana had insisted she bring along.

As she held a red dress that would most likely work for dinner and the opera that Ethan suggested they see this evening, she was reminded of the last conversation she had with Hana the night before she left Lythikos.

*****************

Lythikos, Cordonia, five months ago...

"You might have some nights where you will need a more formal dress." Hana went through Olivia's walk through closet. "I would at the very least pack three different gowns. If you need more, I can try and ship them or you could go shopping."

"I'm not going there to socialize." Olivia reminded her. "I'm going there specifically to convince them that Cordonia is where they should be."

"And what better way to do so than by making sure you look the part?" Hana asked.

"These are highly intelligent men." Olivia replied. "They are nothing like the foolish nobles we deal with on a daily basis." She eyed her closet filled with various gowns. "A dress will do little to sway them toward my mission."

Hana took a deep breath before hinting at another reason to take them. "Well, what if you are invited...out...and need something to wear?"

"Out?"

"Yes." Hana smiled at her. "What if someone asks you to dinner or something?"

Olivia blinked. "I...that's not...I have more important things to do than--"

"One never knows when love will strike." Hana chose two red and one black. "Look at me and Rashad. Who would have thought we would find each other after being forced together by Madeleine?"

"Well, it isn't that farfetched." Olivia muttered. "Everyone likes you."

"They like you too." Hana insisted. "You've changed these past few years."

"I have?"

Hana tilted her head as if in study. "You are still you, but you've," she seemed to search for the right word, "you've softened."

"What?" Olivia was highly offended by that observation. "Softened?!"

"It's a good thing!" Hana laughed at the expression on her friend's face. She then smiled at the fact that Olivia was truly a friend of hers now. "You are still formidable, just more approachable."

"I should have never joined in with you and Riley." Olivia grumbled.

"If you hadn't, then we wouldn't be building a hospital."

"We wouldn't?"

"I don't think the old Olivia would be worried about such a thing." Hana explained. "The old you seemed more concerned with herself and just Lythikos."

Olivia hesitated. This hospital was still coming about in the hopes of changing her reputation. It just so happened that it would benefit others as well.

She couldn't let Hana believe she was some sacrificial heroine that put others before herself.

"Hana, I do want this hospital for Cordonia, but I also hope it helps repair the damage my parents and Lucretia did."

She was surprised to see Hana's smile widen.

"And that's why your friends are going to do all we can to make it happen." Hana began to pick out various other outfits for the stunned duchess. "We want the people to see what we see in you."

***************

Later that night, Olivia paced her chambers. Her muscles seemed determined to remain tight, ready for battle. It seemed that they were unaware that this wouldn't be that type of fight.

Her mind replayed the conversation with Hana. Was this softening going to be a problem or would it help her with convincing Dr. Banerji and Dr. Ramsey to uproot their lives for this?

Knowing she wouldn't sleep until she got some type of answer, she decided to call someone who she usually depended on to listen to her few worries.

"Why aren't you asleep?" Amanda said in lieu of greeting.

"And hello to you too." Olivia muttered.

"You know that's a given." Amanda replied. "And I know that something is wrong for you to call when we are to see each other within a few hours."

"Your perceptiveness is still impressive." Olivia remarked. "Good to see marriage hasn't weakened it."

Amanda snorted in laughter. "Weakened? If anything, it only enhanced it." She sobered when she noticed that her friend was not at least chuckling. "What's wrong?"

"I have a question that I want nothing but a brutal honesty." Olivia said.

"Okay."

"Do you, do you think I have changed?"

"In what way?"

"My personality." Olivia huffed. "Do you think I have softened?"

She didn't know if it was a good thing or not that Amanda was not answering immediately.

"Yes, I think you have."

Olivia sat down, wondering how she had missed this transformation of herself. "Really?"

"I think we have all changed." Amanda added. "And why wouldn't we? After all we have gone through. You most especially."

"Why me more than the rest of you?"

"Liv," she could hear Amanda's smile, "think of how you were two years ago. You were only concerned with winning Liam."

"So were the other ladies." Olivia grumbled.

"Yes, but you didn't care about anything else." Amanda pointed out. "If it didn't directly affect your goal to being his queen, you gave it little thought. I think once Constantine's interference in both yours and Riley's chances with Liam occurred, you then realized that there were other things going on around you."

"You make me sound self absorbed."

"You were." Amanda's tone gentled. "Don't get me wrong, you have been there for me during my own difficulties over the years and I will always love you for it. Which might be why I excused your behavior during Liam's search for a bride. But, yes, you have definitely changed. You have always been loyal and steadfast, willing to do whatever was needed for those you care for. What's changed is that you have expanded on that. You are now willing to include those you used to not think much about."

Olivia sat down, wondering what kind of person she was now.

"What brought this on?" Amanda asked.

"Hana. She made an observation that I had softened." Olivia grimaced slightly. "Do you think this will affect our chances tomorrow?"

"Definitely." Amanda replied.

Olivia dropped her head in her hand. She couldn't believe she had managed to ruin this before ever having a chance to meet the renowned doctors.

"I think our chances of persuading them will be even better because of your softening." Amanda added.

"You do?" Olivia sat up straight.

"I do."

"Oh."

"Liv, get some sleep. We'll need you sharp to explain your mission." Amanda chuckled again. "Between your passion and ideas for this hospital, they won't be able to say no."

"I--" Olivia felt herself grin. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

"What time does your flight get in?" Olivia asked.

"I went ahead and left today."

"You did?" Olivia didn't bother to hide her surprise. "Did Thomas come with you?"

"No. I encouraged him to stay at home and finish his lecture notes."

"Nothing's wrong is there?" Olivia asked.

She knew first hand that the couple tried to travel together. This was something new.

"Everything's fine." Amanda explained. "I didn't want jet lag to somehow mess this up for you." She smiled at seeing her husband's name flash on her phone. "Thomas offered to come too, but I thought we would wait and see how the initial meeting goes."

"That is...thank you." Olivia simply said.

"You're welcome. Now, if you feel better, I will let you go and answer Thomas's call before he thinks I ran off with a doctor or something." Amanda teased.

"Nothing wrong with reminding him what he could lose." Olivia replied. "And I do feel better. I'm not sure I'm comfortable having softened, but at least it seems to be a good thing."

"It is." Amanda told her she would see her in the morning and ended the call.

Olivia made herself go back to bed. Having at least voiced some of her concerns, she was able to finally fall asleep.

*******************

Olivia's Apartment, Boston...

She finished applying lipstick, then stepped back to study her reflection.

A few quick turns were all that was needed to agree with Hana's choice.

Olivia brushed her red hair over her shoulder, then draped it over the other. Grimacing at being unable to make up her mind how to leave it down, she searched through the cabinets for one of her signature clips.

I'll just put it up, she thought.

The sound of the downstairs' door buzzer had her giving up her search.

Her nerves struck her stomach as she buzzed Ethan in.

Calm down. He's a man. Nothing special at all about him. Just because he is the first to finally treat you like a woman rather than some fearful automaton like the men back in Cordonia viewed you as, doesn't mean you should lose your head.

Needing something to do while he made his way up to the fifteenth floor, she tried to find something to straighten up.

Her apartment was sparse and too neat for what she needed. Straightening the already perfect set of suggestions and graphs on her desk that Rashad had sent her, she couldn't quite keep her excited smile from peeping out.

Deep breaths, she commanded. Remember that you have been out with men before. This is nothing special. Just a first date.

She opened her door at his knock.

Ethan's eyes swept down, taking everything in of the fiery duchess.

She stood there nervously, wondering if she was wearing the right type of dress. Was her hair wrong? Should she have left it cascading down her right shoulder? Perhaps--

"You look beautiful, Olivia." He breathed.

Averting her gaze so he couldn't see how happy that made her, she still managed to give herself away with her smile.

"Thank you." She managed to say. "You--"

Seeing him dressed in a blue suit that should have detracted from his eyes, yet instead made them pop with their brightness, she felt the need to sigh in appreciation.

Good lord! I've turned into Riley! I would rather die than sigh over a man wearing clothes that compliment his eyes.

"You look handsome as well." She stepped back. "Please, come in."

Ethan's lips quirked over the blush rising up her face.

He then caused her to go speechless when he handed her a bouquet of red roses.

Her lips parted to speak, but all she could do was stare at the blooms.

"I don't know what your favorite flower is, but I thought you would at least like the color." He explained.

"I do." She lifted her eyes up to his face. "I always liked roses." A smirk formed on her lips. "Something beautiful that isn't afraid to hurt someone with their thorns if they try and cut them has my approval."

Ethan's deep laugh filled her apartment as she searched for something to put them in.

"I forgot about their fighting prowess." His eyes followed her take her bouquet to her bedroom. "Now I know which flowers to surprise you with next time."

She felt a warmth form in the pit of her stomach at his teasing.

Then she realized he was thinking on them having another date...before this one had a chance to begin.

He really does like me. It isn't just in my head. There is something between us after all.

She gathered her clutch and a light wrap on her way back to Ethan.

He took it from her and gently draped the red silk along her shoulders. His hands smoothed it down her arms, causing her to suppress a shiver of delight.

"Ready?" He murmured near her ear.

With a nod, she led the way out the door.

*****************

A dive bar, Cordonia...

"I thought I would find you here."

Drake glanced up before focusing once more on the cue ball.

Maxwell patiently waited on his friend to respond.

Dropping his head in frustration, Drake tossed the pool stick down.

"What is it?"

"I have to go to Los Angeles again." Maxwell explained. "And I could make an extra stop along the way." He paused, drumming up the courage to say where. "If you want to go with me, I could drop you off in Boston."

Drake's glass had stopped partway to his lips. He eyed the man he thought barely paid attention to anyone at balls and such.

How did he know?

Unwilling to admit to anything, Drake merely cocked an eyebrow.

"Why would I want to go there?" His lips quirked. "See the spot where the colonists dumped all the tea?"

Maxwell ordered a drink and pulled up a barstool. "I know it isn't easy, seeing someone who you thought you had something with to end up with someone else."

Drake choked on his drink. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about inaction to what is going on." Maxwell lowered his eyes. "To think you have all the time in the world to finally admit you do want more, just to end up as a guest at her wedding to some other man."

Drake's brow furrowed. "Did you and Nadia break up?"

"No." Maxwell tilted his glass, swirling the liquid around and around. "It doesn't matter now. The point is that I don't want to see you go through that." He took a swallow before standing up. "I leave the day after tomorrow. If you want to go and let Olivia know you've been miserable since she left, then meet me at the airport." He placed a hand on Drake's shoulder. "Don't make the mistake I did by giving another man a chance to sweep her off her feet."

Drake's lips parted to demand more of an explanation, only to see Maxwell walk out.

A part of him wanted to deny that Olivia was the reason he had withdrawn from everyone these past few months. The other part went through the chances that she would find anyone to put up with her strong personality.

It seemed more than likely that she would return single. He could then meet her on equal ground and pick up where they left off.

No reason at all to prostrate himself before her in Boston.

#choices the royal romance #choices open heart #dr. ethan ramsey #olivia nevrakis #ethan ramsey x olivia nevarkis #oh ethan #trr olivia #drake x olivia #drake walker #trr drake #choices the stories you play

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tsunmercenary · 3 years

Text

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘐𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸

The ticking of the clock was deafening in this silence. Gloved fingers tapped endlessly at the steel of her sleeves along with the rhythm of the clock’s ticking. Her feet shifted periodically to rest atop the other as they found no refuge from the cold floor beneath. Her toes curled and eyes wandered around the waiting room, anxious for the upcoming interview. The Hoshidan noble faced down the likes of bandits, enemy soldiers, and the likes of her father’s hideous abomination of a form, yet a simple interview seemingly intimidated her. Perhaps she should’ve allowed her older brother to accompany her like he asked, yet Corrin was adamant in proving she was adult enough to go alone. It wasn’t that she lacked the maturity, yet, she lacked the social skills to uphold her confidence in front of an audience. What if she answered a question wrong? What if they’re overly strict?

“Corrin?” The voice of the interviewer called out, the sound snapping her out of whatever inner dilemma she was griping with. Quick to not keep them waiting, she stood to her feet, brushing her royal blue cape backwards, before walking to greet them. Corrin’s gloved hand extended out to meet the interviewer’s, who met her’s halfway.

“Right this way, please.”

The interviewer seemed polite enough, which eased most of her fears, though the anxious anticipation of what questions would be asked of her still remained in full. After being led down the hall, Corrin entered the office of the interviewer. The male gestured her to sit across from his desk, which she obliged. Lifting the ends of her cape to tuck them back, she took her seat, a soft breath exhaling from her lips.

Slipping glasses upon his face and a pen in one hand, the other holding the clipboard, the interviewer cleared his throat, looking to the princess. Surely he could tell how nervous she was, considering her slightly stiff posture. He simply offered a soft chuckle before showing a reassuring smile across his lips, his voice coming out relaxed, “Just breathe. I’m only going to ask you a few questions. Just be truthful, don’t overthink, and let it flow. Alright?”

“Yes, I can do that. Apologies for being so stiff, I’ve never done an interview before.” She offered up her own laugh, which shook a bit as it came out.

“Not a problem at all. Interview anxiousness is more common than you think.”

Those words offered up a bit more relief to the princess, allowing her to finally settle into her chair. As they loosened, her muscles lightly ached due to being tensed for so long.

“What has led you to where you are today?”

Her hands came together, fingers interlocking with one another as she pondered the first question presented. “Right, my past is a bit..complicated I should say. As a young girl, I was raised within my native kingdom, Hoshido. Hoshido is a beautiful land, filled with blossom trees, bright green grass as far as the sea, and a breeze that always felt so warm across my face, no matter the season. There, I was raised by a beautiful woman, who’s voice could lull any rampaging dragon to sleep.. and a man who’s sword held just as much weight as his wisdom and kindness. At least, that is what I was told.”

She smiled just a bit, the happier memories flooding her mind with warmth until it began to lower and fade into that of darkness. “The neighboring kingdom of Nohr often held conflict against Hoshido, so much so that war seemed inevitable. That was, until my father agreed on a peace treaty with King Garson himself. He set out with myself to meet him at the border. Being an innocent child, naive to the criticalness of the situation, I held my father’s hand, just like I did time and time again. Who knew it’d be the last.. Neither of us could’ve predicted what was to come next.”

Crimson Irises lowered to the table as vague memories began to come rushing back like a raging tidal wave. The sounds of arrows piercing flesh and the screams of her father echoed out as if he stood mere meters away from her chair. What was once happy, warm-felt memories, now cooled into dark and cold nightmares, which swallowed them up within shadows. It was as if her thoughts manifested into a dark entity, gripping onto her wrist with malicious intensity. Corrin could hear the cries of her younger self, being dragged away from her father’s dying corpse by a monster shrouded in darkness. Slightly, yellow stained teeth and predatory eyes stared down at her. It took another few, agonizing moments to finally snap from her thoughts, shaking her hand free of what she now realized to be her own grasp. Her hand seemingly tightened with anxiety and fear from reliving that moment. So much so that they shook upon release.

The interviewer was about to voice his concern, yet she shook her head in dismissal.

“Sorry.. it’s quite the harsh memory.. scary even. After I was taken, I was raised in Nohr for about ten years. The land of Nohr was vastly and terrifyingly different from what I was used to. Dead trees that seemed like ragged, wilted hands rising from the dirt to grasp whatever was in sight. It was always cloudy, and dark, with a bit of rain. I spent just about all of my time there within a tower, training to become a knight to show my worth to the king.. to my “father.” Looking back, I believe I was nothing more than a trophy, flaunted as a slap in the face to Hoshido.”

Her eyes wandered up towards the male, widening upon seeing his expression. He looked intently, as if interested. His eyes didn’t seem dull from boredom, but alert. Though, she worried she was taking too long to finish.

She shook her head once more, brushing a strand of silver hair back and behind her ear, “I’m going on far too long, I should wrap up. Uhm, sorry sorry, it’s really long-“

“No no! There’s no rush, lady Corrin, please continue. Take your time.” The interviewer reassured.

Corrin took a breath to recompose herself, “Despite being so miserable in Nohr, I had my own family there. Siblings that cared for me, served as the somewhat parental figures that I lacked. War broke out between the two kingdoms and when it came down to choosing sides, I went back to my homeland, to fight along side my true siblings.”

There was a moment of silence between the two as her face contorted a bit, trying ever so desperately to hold in her emotions. Despite her best efforts, however, she couldn’t help but become overwhelmed by grief. When she finally did speak, her voice was higher pitched and slightly strained.

“It broke my heart to break away from siblings that truly loved me in Nohr and I loved them as well..” A tear gently fell down her cheek, leaving a trail as it traveled downward to finally fall from her face. “I’ve physically been with them longer than anyone. I’ve played with them, cried with them, they were damn near my family as well but I couldn’t just stand by and allow Nohr to mercilessly attack and destroy a kingdom that only wanted peace! Leaving them was the hardest decision of my life. And to see the look of heartbreak, betrayal, and eventually anger upon their faces have truly haunted me ever since.”

The interviewer kindly offered some tissue, which the princess gratefully took in hand, wiping her tears. When she felt she could continue again, she continued,

“ After what felt like an eternity of war, I’m here now after it finally reached its end. It was my brother’s idea in sending me here to sort of recover and cope from the horrors of war without having to be constantly reminded of the blood I’ve shed myself. Some time away from the kingdom would be good for my mental and I can agree. I believe I should lend my strength and support to Fodlan. Perhaps through my deeds, I can heal.”

The interviewer nodded, writing down notes before moving to the next question.

“What are your strengths and weaknesses?”

“Ah, my strengths are definitely my sword fighting skills. I was trained ever since I was about ten years old, after arriving in Nohr. I’m rather efficient with that and I tend to use my draconic form to aid in battle as well. Though, my most notable strength has to be my motivation in uniting everyone. Keeping all safe and together. I’ve seen what war brings and the last thing I want is for it or needless violence to erupt again. Unfortunately, it serves as a double edged sword.. my pacifist ways have endangered lives before and I’ve had to gripe with that. I’ve been told that I’m over-trusting at times. Although it’s gotten better and I’ve developed into that of a more defensive fighter upon the confrontation of any threat, I’m not the one you should consider sending first into battle if it’s for.. preemptive measures.”

“Alright,” the interviewer breathed, his pen lowering down to the last question, tapping it with the tip.

“If a story were to be written about your life, what role would you play?”

This question stomped her, her eyes lowering to the table. She pondered for a minute or two, eyes shifting from the table, down to her hands, which were once again, enclosed within one another. Finally, with a deep breath, she looked to the interviewer before speaking, “None. If there were to be a story written about me, I’d opt to not be apart of it or even attend.”

This took the interviewer by surprise. He would imagine if someone weren’t to participate in a performance of their life, at least they would attend.

“You wouldn’t attend at all?”

She merely shook her head, her smile returning as she laughed, a bit embarrassed that she bewildered the interview in such a way.

“I mean, I’d be flattered, don’t get me wrong. But I wouldn’t want to attend. I’ve made so many mistakes, made turns where if I took another route, others would still be alive. Reliving such events wouldn’t bode well with me, honestly. I’m not someone who should be honored in anyway, shape, or form. I can’t change the path I’ve taken, but I can at least strive to look forward with optimism and work to make life better.. for everyone. But, I’d happily attend another’s, especially if they asked.”

The interviewer wrote his last notes down before standing to his feet, quickly followed by Corrin. He extended a hand out with a smile, Corrin meeting his half-way and shaking it.

“I believe we’re done. I’ll contact you on your application process, lady Corrin. It’s been a pleasure meeting you.”

“It was a pleasure to speak with you, and I thank you for your consideration. I truly am honored to have such an opportunity.”

@theofficersacademy

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bangtanblurbs · 3 years

Text

abyss

song: abyss by jin

first experience: as a relatively new song, i remember clearly abyss’ drop. 12/2/2020 - several months into whatever quarantine had come to mean by that point, thanksgiving had just past and christmas was coming up in a matter of weeks. those few weeks between the holidays often pass by in a blur for me. holidays are hard. they’re not the romantic times they always were when i was a child. once again i’d been sitting at home in my tiny studio apartment, freezing, trying to crank through work and school obligations. i can assure you my headspace was less than great, between the cold, the holiday season, the deadlines that had piled up... abyss dropping was the perfect medicine for how i was feeling.

feelings: when i listen to abyss i can’t help but feel emotional. of course. naturally the accompanying note that came with abyss was heartbreaking enough. but at the same time, the song feels like home. it feels like walking into my apartment after a long day and slipping into my favorite hoodie that desperately needs to be thrown into the wash. the familiar feeling brings about warmth despite the sobering reality that i’m still here, by myself, slipping into my ratty clothing and climbing into bed to disassociate from the self-hatred, stress, obligation, and grief i carry daily. the reality is, listening to abyss is like listening to my inner voice. i’m not saying i understand jin, or any of the shit he’s obviously gone through and dealt with in his very colorful life, but i feel close to him whenever i put the song on. i feel like as i grow older - i grow into myself - i grow into the pain i’ve harbored for years now. while i sometimes feel like i’m drowning in the abyss, at least i have the comfort that my feelings aren’t as alien as they seem. especially for someone who has been fortunate in life in many ways - this song shows me that i’m still *allowed* to hurt. i’m still allowed to carry my pain and feel it flow through me.

i must also say, that my heart broke many times know that jin feels the emotions that abyss conveys. the self-doubt, the anxiety... how we all must wish we could wash it away. i only hope with all of my heart that he’s been given time, space, and resources to process his emotions fully. i can’t imagine carrying what he’s carrying and having the schedule he has. bless.

personal connection: as alluded to, i’m not the most stable person. i can post happy photos online, i can breathe my idealism into others, i can love with the full capacity of my heart - but i have plenty of demons. i’m not sure where they came from, i noticed them around the time i became a teenager - that sinking feeling that all aspects of my existence are ugly, undesirable, annoying. these demons have never gone away. no matter how much i strive for my dreams, no matter what i accomplish, the amount of solitude that exists in my life allows for the cracks in my heart to rip open forcefully.

it’s this very thinking that limits me. i don’t believe in myself. i don’t really believe in anything if i’m being honest. everything feels dark. there’s ups and downs. much how jin describes in the song - i desperately want to be a part of a more vibrant existence. i deeply want to connect with others, but the anxiety, the self doubt, the hatred i harbor, they’re paralyzing. simple tasks - texting a friend to make plans, following through with plans, speaking in a group setting, advocating for myself, they’re all things i’d rather shut the door on. vulnerability? i can’t open myself up for any more pain. in my mind, i’d rather retreat to the darkness, convincing myself i’m not worthy of taking another’s time, space, efforts. and i get overwhelmed, the feelings that jin is describing perfectly - having someone take an interest in me - having someone show me love... it feels false, it takes my breath away, only makes me question more. it makes me wonder how long i’ll indulge them before i push them away and move to my own abyss.

in abyss jin isn’t even talking about another person. he’s speaking to himself. there’s not a romantic or even friendship he’s speaking of in the song. it’s more about like - is it okay for me to feel happy or hopeful? am i someone who should be allowed to meet happiness? this is something i relate to even more profoundly than the previously mentioned worries over letting new people into my life. ever since i went off to university from my kinda shitty hometown i wondered... is this life something i’m allowed to have for myself? am i worthy of it? did i do anything to deserve the place i’m at? i feel often like my work, my thoughts, my actions -- they’re not enough to place me in some of the places i’ve been lucky enough to have a seat. these doubts can cripple me with inaction and keep me chained to the present, or at the very least held back from progress and moving forward. these feelings were exactly what i was going through in december. do i deserve to be pursuing my phd? am i worthy? i haven’t accomplished near what my peers have, and i probably never will... i’m not as passionate as the others i pass by in the hallways, those i share a floor with at meetings... i’m a shell compared to them. should i retreat to my abyss rather than continue to occupy space where i don’t feel i’m allowed to be? am i allowed to celebrate and feel happiness when i’m not really doing as well as i could be?

obviously this sounds like whining, it sounds pathetic. and perhaps to someone it is, but it’s the reality of my mind. it’s something i bear and it’s something i’m finally okay sharing with others. i don’t know how to overcome these emotions i harbor - but that feeling of feeling most comfortable in my abyss, in the dark, in the little world i’ve created in my lonely haven... that’s my reality. that’s the feeling that i’ve connected to when i listen to abyss. it’s those moments when you look our your window, at your phone, and you see the outside world moving rapidly in the sunlight, and you can’t help but feel you don’t deserve to be a part of it... you can’t help but know that your true place is in the abyss. the pleasure i receive from escaping reality is unexplainable. and sometimes, it’s pleasure in the fact that i’m punishing myself, putting myself in the dark and ugly place i think i truly belong. that abyss - it’s my haven. it’s my sanctuary.

song breakdown:

musically: abyss is beautifully understated musically, but not in a way that makes it a stripped vocal song... but instead in a way that highlights the emotion laden in jin’s voice. the piano backing picks up with the song and brings in some effects along the way to highlight the emotional pauses between the heavy lyrics. its the perfect ballad. truly. the incorporation of a steady beat track at the second verse also ads to the emotions of feeling like something is dragging, the monotony of these emotions as one carries through each day.

the dramatic pauses that lead into the verses and highlight the pure emotion carried in jin’s tone also bring emphasis to the powerful refrain in the chorus - it’s almost reminiscent of personal realizations, personal *epiphanies* one might say. that moment where you draw in a big breath and gulp it down before confronting your demons. while the track keeps it’s steady pace, it does what it should for this piece - highlights the beauty of jin’s voice, and carries the weight of the emotions in the lyrics.

vocally: honestly, just wow. jin’s voice, is absolutely stunning in this song. completely breathtaking in the best kind of way. i say this with nothing but complete respect - jin’s vocals have done nothing but improve and grow in strength over time to the complete crisp perfection they are today. the amount of emotion he carries in his tone is also perfect to deliver such a profound ballad as abyss. i hope he knows that we can feel every ounce of truth and healing he put into the song.

we all know jin is the high note king, but he honestly ops for more of a storytelling vibe in this song, keeping within his lower register throughout the verses. it really isn’t until we are mid-chorus that we get the breathtaking high note during the line “ 잠기고 싶어 가보고 싶어.” this is perhaps the most profound lyric of the chorus as well, since it’s the moment in which jin expresses a desire. most of the lyrics up to that point explain a state of being, his emotions, but at this point - he is almost calling out his desire. his painful desire. to stay lost within in his abyss. it’s painful and stunningly beautiful at the same time.

the genius of the entire song was jin delivering abyss in a way that we don’t always hear him sing in BTS songs. the buttery smoothness of his voice is on full display, with no need to stay in his high register for long we can really hear the weight in his tone, the pleading in his voice, the sincerity. it’s sobering, and it’s powerful. and i must say, i can’t wait to get more songs like this from jin in the future. i hope he continues to share his heart, his voice, and his talent with us.

lyrically: oh man. this one is a deep cut. you can really feel jin’s voice throughout the lyrics of abyss. the accompanying note that he released with the song brings a lot of context and understanding to the lyrics. in the note jin explains feeling inadequate and insecure in light of the amazing accomplishments that BTS had made over the years, specifically highlighting the #1 on Billboard Hot 100. he explains that he felt like his passion and talents were lacking compared to others in music, and felt undeserving of the love, joy, and recognition he received. his emotions seem to be similar to those of imposter syndrome, feeling like he doesn’t belong in a space he inhabits and actually receives accolades for existing within. what’s more telling is in this note jin expresses his apprehension to share these sadder emotions he harbors. this song is so incredibly raw for being a place in which jin finally found a space in which to express his feelings, let them run freely and beautifully without the concern that he needed to stay strong for ARMY.

to jump right into a closer analysis of the lyrics - the song begins with a story like vibe. the first lyric “i hold my breath as i walk into my sea” brings about the image of the speaker (i apologize in advance if i alternate between speaker and jin) beginning their descent into deeper waters of the ocean. the speaker is bracing for this though, as they are the one propelling it forward with enough pacing to prepare and hold their breath. to me, this is alluding to jin knowing that he’s falling into a darker space in his mind, consciously allowing himself to slip into that space. he then moves into describing his state “i face myself who is crying beautifully and sorrowfully.” jin is describing that he’s taking account of his state, speaking to himself and seeing the distraught state that exists within his mind -- seeping into his outer appearance.

the pre-chorus moves into a different vibe, jin addresses the duality in himself. he recognizes both the parts of himself that are strong - that can shoulder and carry the parts of him that are deeply broken and sad. “myself in that darkness / i’d like to go find him and tell him” this is jin speaking with clarity to his broken self, his rationality coming through to speak to the parts of him that are insecure and hurting. “that i’d like to know more about you today, yeah” perhaps this is jin’s way of saying that he wishes he understood himself better, that he wishes he could more confidently identify the emotions he was feeling and process them fully. the pre-chorus in my mind is jin using some clarity to check in with himself and take inventory of his state when he’s in his darkest moments.

the chorus picks up and delivers a few devastatingly beautiful and sobering lines. “still, i remain with myself / with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” this is where we see the ultimate conclusion of the engagement in the pre-chorus... jin’s insecurity and pain keeps his strength from winning out. the duality in his being still exists, but in this moment it’s the pain, the insecurity, the feelings of inadequacy that have won out. “that dark place, / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it / i’ll be there” jin then places us back into the story he started in the beginning of the song - he’s submerged in the abyss, the darkest and deepest point of the ocean. he speaks to taking the time to really feel the emotions that he is harboring, causing him pain. while this could be a conscious decision he is making to better understand and process his emotions it’s also likely that this desire is rooted in self-loathing, a desire to self-punish for his perceived shortcomings. the pleasure that sometimes one can gain from fully feeling pain that they believe they deserve. the line about being submerged also brings about the image of an anchor in my mind - like these emotions are weighing jin down. while anchors may sink slowly (like slowly taking a breath and walking into the sea) they’re hard to pull back up -- they want to stay seated to the ground, where they belong to do their job. perhaps jin is in some ways alluding to this. either way, the chorus is about a desire to remain in the dark place, where it feels safe, where he feels he deserves to be. the final line is “today as well, i circle around you again.” which brings us back to the pre-chorus dialogue between jin’s duality - the part of him that may rationally understand that he deserves love, that he works hard, that he is worthy... but yet this part can’t seem to gain control over the darker feelings within him... so there’s this idling, this perpetual circle of inaction.

moving into the second verse this interaction occurring within jin’s inner being continues. “the closer i get to you, the more breathless i become and the father away you feel” while this line is a bit more difficult for me to completely understand what i think he is speaking to is that as he begins to think he understands his emotions, when he thinks he might be regaining his confidence he realizes he is only scratching the surface. he realizes that there’s more to his darker emotions than he’d initially thought. perhaps he thought he was just having a bad day or feeling in funk, but then he realizes that there’s a piece of him that he doesn’t quite understand and perhaps isn’t ready to understand as the word “breathless” invokes a feeling of overwhelm. the second and closing line of the verse is “wouldn’t it be that you went deeper into the sea, yeah” invoking that these darker emotions only continue to grow, evolve, and perhaps overwhelm. he feels like he can’t quite pull himself out of the place he’s in, no matter what he tries.

the pre-chrous as analyzed above then repeats, although the meaning is somewhat different when following the second verse. this is because the nature of the second verse is more hopeless in nature, therefore while jin would like to be able to regain some control over these darker feelings -- he’s just expressed that as he tries he finds it more overwhelming and difficult. finds himself moving further into the dark emotions.

the final chorus is different that the previous - the lyrics change and while they continue a deeply sorrowful theme, they also bring about some hope. the first line, “still, i remain with you” is telling. jin is reminding himself that even if he feels consumed by these emotions, the other components of him still exist. he isn’t just the darker feelings that have taken precedence. he can have his confidence when he’s ready, he can maintain his duality. all aspects of jin, even if he’s feeling broken. “with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” even if he feels he can’t gain control of these emotions, he can be patient with himself, he can know that there’s the potential that he can overcome, but also he knows that it’s okay in this moment to just feel. “that dark place / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it” this line is re-emphasizing jin’s desire to stay in the place where he feels comfortable, where he can feel his darker emotions, where he things he truly deserves to be. “today as well, like this, i close my eyes to get to you.” this is the final line of the song and it delivers a sense of comfort. no matter what, jin knows that he can be at peace - he may have these darker emotions, but he can close his eyes, he can rest and carry all aspects of his emotional state. the dark, the light, the highs and the lows. he can take his time in the abyss when he needs to.

tl;dr? abyss is one of those songs that anyone who has struggled with self-doubt, dabbled or dipped fully into self-hatred can identify with. many people i’m sure have their own abyss. their own place in their mind where they’d like to lock themselves in - a prison of their own design that in one way might be one’s punishment for their perceived shortcomings, but also can be a paradise when a beautiful being seemingly undeserved reality feels like too much to bear. jin’s artistry both in terms of lyrics and vocals are on full display in the song - showing his amazing range and delivering a piece full of emotional tones. abyss is a stunning piece of the man’s mind and heart that i am extremely grateful to be able to experience.

#bts #seokjin #jin #bangtan #Lyrics #analysis #abyss #abyss jin #army

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prettyboysdontlookatexplosions · 4 years

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Lover is the Queliot Soundtrack!!

this is 100% true and i have hyena yelled about it at length before and continue to think about it really a bizarre amount... i had a lot of weird feelings about lover when it came out ANYWAY because i have a lot of weird feelings about taylor swift which i like to attribute to the fact that we are astrological mirror twins of a kind (cap sun sag stellium vs. sag sun cap stellium) because honestly i am truly powerless to explain through logic why it is that i think about her so often and in such depth given that my reaction to most of her work is pretty muted in either direction. but like, the thing between me and being really into her as a musician had always been this overall hollowness i felt in her writing, like she has from the beginning definitely had her consistent strengths and her moments of total brilliance, but so much of her lyrical material feels like it was made by a martian whose exposure to humanity was watching a bunch of CW dramas, or whatever (which itself also isn’t necessarily like awful but i always bristled more about it because people tended to praise her specifically for her eye for detail and her emotional insight and i was like ??? that’s the part you like? but where... is it?) (this is all also happening in a context where i encounter her first at age 19 so i’m old enough to think teenagers are children but too young to understand that i’m only very barely not a child and way too young to empathize forgivingly with my teenage self much less take that healing and use it to fuel an expansion of empathy for others and a general diminishment of kneejerk reactivity, also my journey of taylor swift opinions is inextricable from the internet contexts of feminist blogging/tumblr pop talk, and the evolving conversations there and my own shifting ideas about them, i hung around in for a long time... anyway.) (CAP SUN SAG STELLIUM VS. SAG SUN CAP STELLIUM I AM DOOMED TO DISPROPORTIONATE FASCINATION)

the thing she tuned into earliest, the subject matter on which she found her voice first, was heartbreak, right, and it never bothered me the way it did some that to public appearances she’d never had a relationship longer than 3 months; you can get your heart broken in 3 months. artists in general tend to be people who experience feelings strongly, i think less because you need to feel things strongly to make art (which i’m not sure is true) than the other way around: people who experience feelings strongly need to find a way to deal with that, and art, making or experiencing it, is one of the more socially acceptable and productive coping mechanisms around. a certain inner grandiosity can be useful for artists, which is why melodrama is a perfect album. (melodrama manages this very neat balancing act of being wry and self-aware enough to let you know it’s on purpose but also being full-throatedly committed to the affective grandeur of being 19 and on fire; i mention that mostly because another shade of my doomed fixation with taylor swift is she’s a proxy for my issues around sincerity & jadedness & shame &, yeah, where the hell into all of that art fits.) i think this is probably especially true for artists working in a form like music, like pop music, that succeeds viscerally or not at all, that can include an intellectual dimension but can’t rest solely on matters of thought, can be analyzed but not wholly appreciated primarily through the analytical mind. music like emotions is a bodily experience and you can’t instruct your body into what may appear a more proportionate response, so there’s relief in watching someone else skywrite commonplace heartbreaks as big as they always feel inside us. megaphone to my chest: broadcast the boom, boom, boom.

it was her descriptions of love that left me colder, and as her career went on there was something to—i don’t really want to get into the question around her celebrity self and a narrative of victimhood, except i think it’s more complicated than people on either side of the issue tend to acknowledge, but it was a difficult narrative to escape, and it did intertwine for me in noticing in her work a certain... i don’t even know what to call it. “lack of introspection” comes to mind, but obviously taylor swift is no stranger to her own thoughts; the way people talked about it tended to hinge on this idea that she never took responsibility in her music, that it’s alway someone else’s fault, which, see above re: it’s complicated. i don’t think that narrative about her music would have taken hold without the narrative about her public persona, and it’s a weird thing where i see resonance in that critique with the thing i’m trying to name but also think that on its own it doesn’t mean much. there are plenty of great break-up songs that take no responsibility. part of the joy for me of pop (used in one of the broader senses) is precisely that because songs exists as 3.5 minute bursts of sensation it’s a realm particularly suited to indulging pleasurably in the less evolved areas of our psyche. the role of the artist is not to meticulous address across their body of work every emotion a human being can have. it’s never bob dylan’s fault either but who wants to hear that song?

i keep talking about the narrative around her persona and again: complicated. i’m not going to detail the factors, because it’s not 2015. but it’s not like at times she didn’t lean in, right? i mean she can be so annoying. and i think what i was reacting to was not so much her insistence on positioning herself as a victim (i mean, after the initial shock i kind of fell in love with look what you made me do, not despite but because of the fact that it’s so dumb and nasty) but simply that the repeated act of self-positioning over time near inevitably invites a certain calcification. there’s a line between shaping your memories into narrative to make use of the meaning you can find there, and attaching to the story of yourself so strongly that you lose sight of your actual self, which is unfixed and fluid and ever-changing. it’s possible to begin scrambling subconsciously to match your self to your story, rather than the other way around. and a public self, a self which exists in lopsided unrelationship with people you will never meet, exacerbates this tendency for all but the most secure in their true identity. there’s spiritual danger in becoming a brand. there were a lot of reasons i deleted my not even very popular personal blog but one of them was this: i had started to worry that i might be ready to outgrow the self i had built there and not be able to see or actualize it. years ago i read a book about the ancient celts and the only thing i remember was the suggestion that the religion of the druids retained a degree of spiritual potency and mysticism lost to the ancient greeks because the druids didn’t write anything down. i don’t know if that’s true but it stuck with me.

anyway. when reputation came out i called new year’s day the first song she’d ever written as an adult specifically because of how it located the self in the verb of loving—don’t read the last page, but i stay—which felt to me like the first true thing she’d said about love. and then after hammering us with the one-two punch of the two most heinous songs of her career, because whatever else taylor swift she also is a dummy with terrible taste, it turned out that lover was after all an album that mostly lived there too. it was an album where she did cop to bad behavior, no winking or cuteness, and more than that where she named regrets in a way that had weight; i still kind of can’t believe taylor swift came out with something as real as “i never grew up / it’s getting so old.” and it was also the album where she first sounded convincingly besotted, uncomplicatedly joyful; the album where she finally learned years after crossing over how to write a pop song that was actually fun. there was an ease to it, a refreshing and novel sense of not having anything to prove. and it just really fucked me up listening to it and thinking inescapably that these might be linked: that it really seemed like what happened, partly, was taylor swift fell in actual love and it let her give up on some of the frantic posturing that was choking her art. that something really good happened and it made space in her head and therefore in her songs for the beauty and the ache, the ugliness and the joy. i recognize that this has long since passed unhinged territory regarding speculation onto the spiritual journey of a famous stranger. i really don’t get like this about anyone else, including any of the many artists i like a lot more. blame it on the stars.

anyway, so that’s all a dementedly long way of saying that even beyond which the fact that nearly every track on this 18-track behemoth is undeniably Queliot Content, i have these preexisting bizarre and unreasonable feelings about the like meta-statement of lover as an album in taylor swift’s body of work, what it means not just as a collection of songs but as this album coming from this artist, which........... are also, now, Queliot Content???? because that’s all the quentin/eliot thing, right: these are two people who are very, very afraid of their own darkness. they latch onto these narratives of self partly to try to escape the parts of themselves they don’t want to look at. and it’s not even that those narratives are totally wrong: quentin really is brave and loyal and caring and all that hero stuff; eliot really is funny and sharp and fond of the finer things in life. (there’s nothing about lover that is not deeply, absolutely a taylor swift album.) but they’re incomplete. they’re archetypes. they don’t have room for the fullness of their hearts and their lives, the bad stuff and the good. they’re so afraid of their flaws and their pain that they can’t see their strengths or feel their joys. quentin in season 1 can’t see that really and truly alice doesn’t give a shit that he’s not as good a magician as she is, and that will only ever be an issue as long as he makes it one. eliot can’t see the depths of his own enormous heart, or trust margo’s love enough to follow up on her emotion-bottles plea to save their friendship. and this sucks for them, and also for the people around them! they do a lot of bad things in their attempts to protect themselves.

and the very lovely thing the show unbelievably seems to have well and truly done by accident and had no interest in exploring but which remains nonetheless delightful to consider rly is this exact idea of, like: together they find something good and it doesn’t fix anything but it makes space for everything. bleep blorp, beauty of all life. the bad and the good. they find something good and it helps them be brave. it helps them let go of who they’re “supposed” to be, not to reject every piece of it out of hand but to pick and choose: what here serves me still? what reflects who i am today? pruning away the defenses you just don’t need anymore. i used to think “i forgot that you existed” felt like a rep-overgrowth taylor mistakenly thought she needed, over-narrativized context-setting for an album that really stood on its own, and, i mean, it is that, a little bit. she’s still taylor; her version of chilling out is still most people’s frighteningly intense. but i like how weightless it is, how sonically it recaptures the kind of quiet elation of that feeling. how “i thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t” is about the strange distance of that past self so convinced she could never let go, which is to say it’s also about healing. about recognizing your own enough-ness so that you can see what it is you really need. quentin and eliot are both constantly asking this question: what is the thing that is going to fill up the space inside of me where i should have something else? is it school, magic, clothes, wine, a girl, a boy, a crown, a quest? and the answer is—it’s not “each other.” the answer is nothing. but their kind of open-hearted love is the thing they need to see that’s true.

#well this got... predictably unhinged #i was talking to someone about nostalgia for 2013 tumblr so this caught me in like #a particular mental place i guess #also it's feed your dad to cannibals day in the middle of quarantine #no apologies for content in either of those circumstances!!!!!#the magicans #kinda

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undergroundjourney · 3 years

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Transcendence

On relationships with our Parents.

“To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honor.”

I’ve seen so many people go this year, and now I’ve seen two of my closest friends lose their moms this year, (both their dads passed years ago as well). And I am thankful everyday that both of my own parents are still with me, especially in the year of a global pandemic that could’ve easily weakened them to a point I never wish to see.

“Thankfulness turns what we have into enough.”

(The following isn’t a true sentiment for everyone with parents- I know many people have dealt with highly traumatic/abusive parents, and this may not apply to you at all, even if you have tried to build a relationship with your parent(s) and it didn’t work out. I’m sorry for anyone who had that upbringing, but I’m glad you’re still here and I hope you’re healing. You might be okay with it, you might not, you might still be healing/dealing with it, but I do think it is important to remember the parents you had/have are just as human as anyone else, with their own faults and their own lives that they lived, that you are not responsible for).

🤍

Something that is hard to remember is how humane our parents are. Especially growing up with strict parents, and we’ve all had different variations of that strictness from babies to teens and even as adults. It is important to remember where our parents came from, to listen to their stories from before we ever entered their lives. They’ve been just as stupid, successful, scared, brave, anxious, and reckless as us. At some point in our lives, those of us who are lucky enough to still have our parents in our adult years, we have to let go of the parents who raised us and form new bonds and communications with the parents who are growing older with us. It takes a lot of energy, a lot of tears and prayers (I remember praying when I had to tell my mom I was changing my degree my second year of college... I kept telling myself God wouldn’t want me to die so He was going to make it easy for me to tell my mom— it gave me courage to tell her, for sure, but I still got the dreaded lecture 😂😅), overcoming fears of rejection (which melted away after the more time I spent with my parents), learning to communicate, and learning respect on a whole new spectrum. It’s not easy changing our mindsets when things have been engrained in us for years, but that’s the beauty of life- learning and unlearning, recreating and overcoming. I’m forever thankful I still have my family with me. It’s been a hard year, so I’m loving a little harder too.

I am still going through these changes with my parents, especially my dad right now. My dad and I have always had a super tight relationships. (Mind you, he is my stepdad, but he’s been in my life since I was 3-4 years old, and he’s white- and yes, saying that does matter because representation matters). The past I felt incredibly sad and frustrated with him and myself because I felt our relationship was being strained/lost/forgotten, and partly because of the things he’s been going through, trying new medications to deal with pain and sleep and such, and it just made me feel like I was losing my dad. I finally told him just a couple days ago that I hated talking to him when he was on this pill and drinking at the same time- he was difficult to talk to, so annoying. It was like talking to a super stoned teenager while still trying to respect that he’s an adult. I had to come back over the next day to do my mom’s hair, and we were talking and out of nowhere he goes “thank you for telling me how you felt. I needed that, to know what I’m doing wrong. I’m glad you told me how you felt.” And he gave me a great big hug. I felt my dad was coming back to me, the one that was my best friend and I’m so grateful. I know communication is incredibly difficult, anxiety-ridden with our parents, but it’s always worth the shot and the chance for a better relationship with them. My dad was on his way to bed and I gave him a hug, but I said “Dad.. I just.. I really don’t like it when you take these pills and you’re drinking, and doing whatever else. It makes it so hard to talk to you and be patient with you. I don’t like it.” I think he said “Well it makes me sleepy and the drinking is not a problem. I don’t know honey, I gotta go to bed.” It wasn’t a brush off or anything like that. But I was not expecting to show up the next day to him acknowledging it. I’m glad I said something, I’m glad he received it from a place of love. ♥️

My mom has always been super strict, like scary lady strict, stay out of her way unless you’ve been called to speak with her kind of strict. (In my child-like mind). But as an adult and I think back to my childhood and my mom- she wasn’t in the picture like my dad was because she was a home health nurse and at one point working two jobs for the better half of the first 7-8 years of my life. I know I grew up thinking my mom was not there, and that when she was there, she was a mean mommy and I didn’t like her but I wanted her to love me. I was her daughter after all you know! But there are little moments that I’ve kept in my mind memories. One time she came and picked me up from the bus stop, and I was driving in the back seat of her car. I had a cute bunny sticker and he was holding a carrot- she let me put it on her rear view mirror. And it stayed there for forever, until she gave the car away to someone in need. How could a mean mommy that liked everything put exactly in its place let me put a sticker on her car’s mirror?? 😉 I’ve held that memory and many others similar to it, for years, thought about that one every time I got into that car. But I didn’t think of the WOMAN my mother was. Not until just close to two years ago I started changing my mindset on the people my parents were/are. (And I’m 27 now). I once read a quick child’s story standing in a grocery store, about a mother- the child had a checker board flooring, black and white boxes. The mother was like my mother and the child was like me. If she/he accidentally stepped on the black box, the mother would be in a bad mood- mean mommy, so the child worked hard to step only on the white boxes, for the child believed that when he/she carefully stepped into the “right” boxes, the mother would be kind and nice, pleasant to be around. I think the story ended in a sad light but anyways, that’s how I saw my mother too. I believed in this light/dark actions brings out the mean/nice person of my mother. Crazy, right?!? No it’s not, not to a child. The fact I found what I did almost everyday in a book that related to me, made me feel seen and not alone in that my mom can be really scary sometimes. Now as an adult, I respect that my inner child went through such a turbulent time in being raised by someone like that, and my dad who was the totally calm and chill, go with the flow guy. Now as an adult (it’s been three years to get this point, mind you- so 25 years old and still fearful of my mother), I have learned to unlearn being fearful of a person I called my mother and have learned to talk with a woman who raised me. I felt sick to my gut at times trying to speak to her, I’ve also had to learn her sense of humor (it’s very impersonal), and I’ve learned of her strength, the things that have built her. But a mother she is and very rarely will I see her weaknesses as a mother, but I’ve seen them for her as a nurse, especially a hospice nurse, and as a daughter herself when my grandma became sick.

We build up intense ideas about our parents and it is only our responsibility (not theirs) to break down those ideas and decide who we want our parents to be to us as we are growing older, and then it is on us how we communicate to them in order to get them to this new idea of a relationship.

It’s a lot of f****ng hard work. A lot of mental work and emotions from ourself go into this transformation with our parents. There will be bad days, hard days and then you’ll spend a week away from them, and then you’ll reach out to them to see if they need that one thing done and when works best for them, and you’ll try again and again until you find what works best for you and them. We are growing up, let’s grow older with them. It’s a powerful bond.

#parents #transcendence

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centrespiritual-blog · 4 years

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2020: The Year of Chakra & Inner Wounded Child Healing

Hello. Long time no see!!

I don’t have any profound proverb for you today, but I am on the cusp of what I feel to be a critical turning point in my life.

But let me start at the beginning.

So, ever since the beginning of this year, I have felt strongly drawn to the chakras. Not to say I wasn’t interested in them beforehand, but I have felt increasingly more drawn towards chakra work. Now, I think it's safe to say that if 2020 has done one thing, it has definitely influenced our feelings about personal safety and security, whether that be in the world around us, having to move back in with family and thus uncovering old wounds, etc. I am sure collectively we have been dealing with some root chakra areas in our life in one way or another.

Now, my lower chakras, could use some work. I knew it was a lot of work, but I didn’t know quite how bad the situation was until I took a chakra test this year that really gave me a reality check. Here are my results and you can click here to take the test for yourself.

(p.s. I got this quiz from a healer I respect highly on Twitter who posted it this isn’t just some random quiz I found lmao)

ya. lmao.

According to the Highly-Respected-Twitter-Healer-Whose-Name-Escapes-Me-Right-Now when a chakra is in the negatives that means that it is closed. Not just under-active, it is literally CLOSED.

And so, over the past few months I have found that I have been in situations that are calling me to do some root chakra work. And as of the past few weeks, things have really gone full throttle. My family situation is really the core of my lower chakra situation, especially my root. But if there’s one thing quarantine has brought, it has been familial healing (for the most part). I am currently the closest I have ever been with my family, a closeness I honestly did not think would be possible. I thought for the longest time that I was just too different from my family for us to ever be friendly. I could love them and respect them, but I didn’t think we could be friends. I don’t know if that makes sense to some of you but for those who have been through similar feelings I’m sure you can relate. They have been so reassuring even in the face of hardship that they love and accept me and that I am safe and secure in their home, that I am always welcome.

And I am actually starting to feel it!

Jamaica (my home) recently had their emancipation and independence holidays, and for that week and a half I stayed in “country” (aka all of Jamaica outside of the Capital, as affectionately called by those living in the Capital, Kingston) with my more extended family. And that trip went just as well! There was no major family drama, a spat here and there but nothing that surpassed a day or an evening. Which when a whole family is put together for a week and a half is a very happy surprise. My cousins and I all agreed that we had all reached an age where we can more easily relate to each other, we can hang out with each other and do similar things, we can understand each other. I loved it.

I find being in “country”, specifically the “country” I went to this past holiday (which shall not be named for privacy reasons haha) is always a healing experience. The bay is always so filled with life, whether its other people in other houses on the bay, fish in the water, bees in the sea grape tree, or birds in the morning, life is everywhere! I am constantly barefoot, the wifi hardly works, I am able to kayak and swim the bay and just be in the moment with nature. I’ve been very blessed to be able to go twice this year so far due to covid having the house more available, this past May being the first time since my spiritual awakening, and I am able to get more from each visit there than ever before!

Coming home from “country” I feel equipped to face any familial tribulations with a clear and open heart and mind, to observe any fears and thoughts that arise and allow them to come and go and ground myself through the process. I feel equipped to put on my Big Girl Pants™ and take charge of my life. If that means putting myself through school I am ready. I know I am more than capable of doing it, and I will have my family’s love and support on my side to help me through.

This is definitely just the tip of the ice berg of the situations that have been encouraging me to do my chakra healing, but I shall leave you with this:

Please. PLEASE. Listen to your intuition. Honour your feelings. You are the creator of your reality, the more you feed into your energy and raise your vibration you will be SHOCKED at what comes your way. I have only been intentional with listening to my intuition as of this year and I can say that it is crazy how the universe works when you stop shrinking yourself!

The universe will prepare you for your path. And when you get there, you will feel ready. If you don’t feel ready yet, the universe will circle back to you. Whatever is meant for you, IS MEANT FOR YOU. You cannot run from your path forever, and you won’t run forever. Trust the process.

Listen to what is calling you. (This is similar to No.1 but different ya feel) It could be as small as messaging someone when you think of them, or doing a task the minute you think of it. It may seem like nothing, but the more you listen to your intuition and your higher self, the more you begin to open yourself up to higher interpretations and higher and stronger attractions into your life.

Anyways my loves, I am not sure what this point in my life will bring. There is so much change happening at once. But I know what is happening now is setting the precedence for the next 10 years of my life. I feel it. And the healing happening here will follow me through the rest of my life. Good things are happening, and I am so so excited to see what's to come. Stay tuned :)

#chakra #chakras #root chakra #inner child #innerwork #innerhealing #wounded inner child #wounded healer #vibrationalhealing #intuition #spiritual #spirituality #healing #centrespiritualposts

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blankdblank · 4 years

Text

Ridikulus Pt 3

@long-cosmos-overhead, @partoftheminfamily, @alishlieb

From the Hollow to your first class you went and remained guiding the students through their usual lessons after knowing that Narcissa was helping Draco watch over Teddy and Em. Fred and George headed your place in the flying rounds through the week and to force herself out of reach of fawning relatives Ginny started coming to join you for RoR club at noon. Each day her mood seemed to fluctuate while all your dreams when you could manage to sleep were centered around your blonde duo.

Saturday however brought you from your night curled up in the nursery keeping watch over Em and Teddy between lingering stares up at the wall of windows revealing the starry night. Still the stars standing for Remus and your father shimmered showing that they were alive but still not close enough. Numbly you endured without sleep and held up the façade of calm and ease while internally you screamed and sobbed hoping that you could trust yourself to get your people through this. It was clear, there were those still furious at all they had suffered at your call to flee, those among the Order who were slowly coming around to the fact that you were forced to have sided with Grindelwald and set him free so you could survive. Though carefully placed meetings with them at their request answered their questions and calmed their worries on your intentions for having done so. Dumbledore would surely never forget or understand how he had pushed you to do it. It seemed all that was left was to gain your own forgiveness for your methods.

…

Blinking in the warm early sunrise you glanced around the camp before your head turned at Dennis’ wand pointed at your left, your lips parted at the giant scar coated wolf sniffing around the pulsing barrier around your camp with a mangled and scarred metal clad sneering creature muttering in some foreign tongue. The Dwarves all clutched their weapons then dropped them at the boy’s clear stating of “Ridikulus!”

A whirling whisp passed over their figures before the creature riding the wolf exploded into a pile of candy and pieces of paper as the wolf turned into a small yipping puppy looking around curiously before trotting away. Lowering their weapons the Dwarves all looked at you as your body relaxed as you softly said, “Huh..” Turning your head to face Dennis you said, “Well done Dennis.”

Fred chuckled patting him on the shoulder, “Easy enough way to deal with,”

George, “Whatever those were.”

Thorin, “That was a Warg with an orc rider.”

Again you nodded and replied, “Hmm. Easy enough to handle and for all the students to manage if needed.”

Dwalin, still aching from his loss of contact with the small child he cradled through the night asked, “That spell..”

You met his eyes, “We have a creature called a Boggart, it takes the form of whatever you fear. You think of something funny about it, say Ridikulus and laugh at it’s shifting into what you imagined. Laughter is it’s greatest weakness, drives it away.”

Thorin, “And it won’t turn back?” You shrugged, “Comforting.”

You smirked at him, “We don’t know everything about our world just as you don’t about yours. How do you fight them, these Orcs and Wargs?” They all raised their weapons and you nodded again then glanced at Dennis, “We’ll stick to our shifting spells for the students. Only use force when necessary.”

Thorin nodded in agreement as Balin replied, “Very understandable. Best not force the bairns into that task when a flick of the wrist will do just as well.”

Slowly the men watched your bruises and swollen left leg heal, even with the aid of your potions and tonics revealing just how exhausted you had truly been upon your arrival. All joining around you aiding in your tending the children between traded shifts of flight as they accepted your offer of sitting in on a few of your lessons with the first years, the only classes with enough spare seats allowing them to join between similar offers from a few other Professors as well. Then in the night returning to aiding in your nightly shift of patrols on the halls with the prefects as a certain restless infant left one of the fiercest of the group completely defenseless as he cradled her sleeping form against his chest through his gentle humming at his Brother’s side.

All returning your protection and aid to their quest with whatever duties they could claim as you learned each other. Working tirelessly and relaxing in your already firm friendship before collapsing into a sleeping pile on the lone large mattress you’d added to the infant’s room to be there when needed and allowing little Melody, or Lulu as Dwalin called her for the shortened Khuzdul translation of her name, her chosen security blanket.

…

Clearly a shout sounded from the mouth of a tear stained child surrounded by others you had separated her from due to their bickering with Minerva and Trelawney’s help, “This is all your fault!! We never asked you to do this! To hide us! You should have just left us alone!” She jerked her hand from her friend’s grip as she stepped away from you in your frozen stance with your emotionless yet soft gaze at her while the Company eased into the doorway from the nursery curiously, “My Parents are dead because of your plan!” Tears rolled down her cheek yet again as her lip quivered through her spitting out, “You’re just as bad as they were! Just another heartless Death Eater!” On her heel she turned and raced away as shocked expressions rippled through the crowd all glancing between you and the girls little Sister Becca who walked to you with fists curling in front of her eyes as her face curled in grief.

Between her sobs against your shoulder after your crouching down to hold her she mumbled out, “Mummy said to stay with you. I told Gemma Mummy knew you would keep us safe. Gemma didn’t mean it!”

Along the wall the men clearly caught your momentary slip of a near unbearable pain in your eyes before it slipped away behind your mask once again. You locked eyes with the calmed child, wiping her cheeks gently, “I know it hurts, and I can’t promise you’ll see them again, but I will do everything I can to protect what they loved the most. Gemma is hurting, if she, or anyone here needs to hate me to grieve their losses, let them.”

With another quivering lip she replied, “But-…”

Your thumb claimed another of her tears, “Anger is expected in grief, and easier to release with someone nearby to pin it on. If anyone is angry with me, or hates me, let them. It will pass. Fighting does nothing to ease our pain in times like these. Do you understand?” She nodded with a sniffle stirring a soft smile from you, “Good. Now I believe it should be time for your candy club meeting correct?” She nodded after a wide eyed glance at the clock on the wall then raced off after flashing you another smile. Leaving you to rise in the dispersing crowd in Minerva’s comforting pat on your shoulder after Trelawney’s offer for tea she would put on for you both in her office. Trembling hands had you sliding them into your pockets and walk to the same grassy hill to look over the lands and swaying forest once again as the sun shone above you brightly while the world thundered around your rain soaked camp around the barrier guarded carriage.

Wordlessly the Company all gathered around you to hear you ask, “How am I supposed to tell a four year old that I’m glad they will never see their parents again. That they should be glad as well, because, yes, they’re orphans, but their children possibly won’t be. How do I get them to understand that?”

Balin gently rested his hand on your shoulder, “They’ll understand when they’re older. The other older bairns know. The little ones will come around.”

Gandalf joined you, “You said it quite masterfully.” He leaned forward spotting Kreacher popping up and passing Teddy to you stirring a smile from you at his sleeping body snuggling to your chest calming after a bout of crying signaling his need for a nap. Em came next sleeping in Barty’s arms sitting beside you giving your arm a comforting tap with his own while Dwalin’s head turned with a growing grin at the squeaking girl reaching for him from George’s arms, soon to be passed to him as they laid out resting their heads on your lap as George said, “No tears now.”

Stirring your smile back as Fred said, “Our dads, Moony and little WonWon will probably fall from the trees any day now.”

George, “Besides, they haven’t missed a birthday yet.” Deepening your smile.

“No they haven’t.”

Kili, “Birthday?”

You smiled at him, “Our birthday, April first.”

Silently you caught a glimpse of their inner cogs working at the upcoming date stirring a soft chuckle from you as you looked out over the distance once again hoping their words would somehow come true.

In their splitting up to help keep the children distracted you stood with Barty and together went up to the Divinations tower and filled the love seat across from Sybil’s arm chair raising the cups of tea she had poured for you both. “I do not see grim tidings, oddly enough.” Making you smirk.

Barty, “There’s always time for them to find us.” Making you three chuckle in the settling of the children in your arms.

Sybil, “They will calm. It is fresh still. We can see it, between their classes they do have moments of sadness, as they will. Then they see the suffering in all of us. They are not alone. My symbols all point that we can trust these Dwarves.”

You nodded, “I can’t sense any reason not to. If Crookshanks were here we could tell better.”

Barty, “No doubt he’ll turn up, Love.”

“I know, always does. Maybe Dad caught him.”

Sybil extended her hands for your empty tea cup and turned it around in your setting it in her palms. With parting lips she eyed it then clasped them shut in a soft, “Hmm.”

Your brow inched up and Barty said playfully, “Sounds like a more comforting hmm, than a dangerous one.”

In the rising of her gaze she stated, “I see babies. Triplets, apparently.”

Barty scoffed in your giggle and he teased, “Just can’t let me have multiples on my own can you?”

Handing over his own cup he looked Sybil over as she looked his over with another, “Hmm.”

This time lower making Barty say, “See, now there is a less pleased hmm.”

Sybil looked up saying, “I see a painful encounter with a duck, but you will not be alone.”

Barty looked to you, “Ah, our marks I take it? Have you decided on when yet?” In a shake of your head your eyes flickered to silver and you stood in their flash back to purple.

Sybil, “Something is coming?”

“No, Ginny needs me.”

Barty grinned accepting the second cup of tea her tea pot filled on its own, “Thank you.”

Sybil, “I am certain young Ginny will mend.”

Barty, “Oh, I am sure of it. Few hundred broken plates and she might bounce back nicely in a month or so.”

Sybil, “Ooh, maybe we could do that, have a broken pottery activity!” Excitedly sipping on her tea, “We let them use small mallots to break pottery to coat tables and picture frames and such.”

Barty grinned, “We could give it a shot, talk to Minerva about it.”

Straight from the room you used your enchanted door to set Teddy in his Nursery to sleep and went through the hall where you heard crying through Ginny’s door. “Gin,”

In a sob she called out, “It’s open, Jaq-,”

Easing inside you closed the door behind you and strolled through her room finding her on the mat in front of her tub drying clearly the reason for her pinkened skin around her baggy sweater, sweat capris and socked feet. Settling down beside her your hand landed on her knees and she said, “I lost it-,” Slumping into your chest she sniffled in your arms draping around her, “Now there’s nothing left-,” A sob racked through her as your eyes filled with tears. “No piece of Harry!”

Until she calmed you held her crying silently until she sniffled and sat up in Kreacher’s return with a mug of tea, “Tea, to help you heal.”

Ginny nodded, “Thank you K.”

Sniffling again as you wiped your cheeks and straightened up at his gentle pat on your arm, “Grilled cheese and cocoa coming up.”

You nodded, “Thank you.” When he left the room you looked to her again saying to Ginny as you folded your fingers around the rim of the cup you guided her to set down parting her lips. “You’re going to want both hands to hit me with.”

Shaking her head, “What-?”

A deep breath later and you said, “Your baby wasn’t the only piece of Harry we have left.”

She shook her head again, “Like a Horcrux?”

You shook your head, “A baby.”

Her mouth dropped open and she said after a moment of her eyes scanning over the ground, “Romilda?” You nodded, “Why-, I know why you didn’t say, but, why the secrecy?”

“Because, it’s painful.”

“When’s she due? She’s not mad at me? We’ll all want to see it. It’s Harry’s!” she gasped, “Did Harry know?”

“She never told him, if he guessed why we took her out of the group or not I don’t know. As far as I know she isn’t mad at you, just didn’t want to hurt you again.” After wetting your lips you said, “She’s signed adoption papers.”

“Adop-, who? Who’s getting the baby Jaqi?!”

“Dad.” In that she exhaled and leaned back against the tub wiping her cheeks, “I’m sorry. We’re just trying to keep things calm now, there’s just so many babies to look after, and she’s miserable and,” you sighed, “And we haven’t told her yet, so she’ll be bound to burst into labor when she hears,”

“So we don’t tell her.” She shook her head when your eyes met, “We can’t tell her, if it hurts the baby-, we haven’t publicly said anything. So she can assume he’s just lost with Ron or something.” In her eyes looking over the ground again she sniffled and wiped her cheeks again, “Is it terrible I’m relieved?”

“No.”

“I’m barely 18,”

“I know,” shifting to sit by her as she grabbed her tea again she slid to lean against your arm, “Dad’s not, after having to share Em, he was getting a bit nostalgic for another baby in the house.”

“Names? Have you two picked yet?”

With a grin you said, “I think Phineas would be adorable.” Making her smirk, “Just think, little half Veela FinFin,” making her chuckle weakly.

“You think he’d have Lily’s hair?”

Grinning at her you said, “One would hope we might have a bright green eyed curly fiery haired little boy to bring home. Even dark curls would be lovely, unless Romilda had actually been using that necklace of hers to darken hers after all, then white or silver.”

“April then?” you looked at her, “When she’d be due?”

“April.”

Back again K appeared and you grinned accepting the cocoa and plate of grilled cheese sandwiches, “Thank you.”

K, “Mistress, Mrs Granger is here asking to speak with you.”

“Huh,” you muttered softly to yourself.

Ginny said, “You go, I’ll go see Mum after the tea.”

Leaning over you kissed her forehead saying, “Let me know if you need me.”

“Wonder what she could need. She’s rarely so formal.”

On your feet you took a bite of one of your sandwiches hovering the plate in front of you for a moment to do so with a sip of cocoa after. Down the hall to the sitting room K led you to you found her anxiously seated with a cup of tea all her own she set down to shift facing you when you sat beside her on the couch hovering your cup to take another bite of your sandwich. “Jaqi, this is all new, and I haven’t shared this past my husband yet, but, I’m pregnant again.” Making you grin around your mouthful at another old dream coming true, “But I was wondering, is there some magical form of prenatal vitamins? Since the old world we came from is gone and I can’t just pop round to the shop on the corner.”

A wave of your hand brought a jar you passed to her, “Only have the grape ones left, but I can brew up some more by the end of the week. Same as the others, once a day, preferably with food or things tend to get a bit, gurgly, in your belly. Trust me, try to avoid it.”

With a nod she folded her hand around it then asked, “What do you think of the Durins? I just came from a meeting with Fili and Balin. Asked for permission to sit on watch tonight with Hermione tonight. Not sure why. I mean, if she likes him why ask us?”

With a giggle you said, “They still wear armor and fight with swords and axes, it seems a lot of their traditions might be a bit old fashioned. They seem respectable, and Fili seems to be will intended. Plenty genuine on his feelings for Hermi. Just needs time, and permission obviously from family for them to learn one another closely to see if it would work.”

She nodded, “I just don’t want my little girl to get her heart broken. Viktor didn’t pan out, now this-,”

“Well if he does you can be certain we’ll be blowing up their mountain.” Making her grin at your teasing smirk after a moment of panic at the threat, “He won’t, they will all love her, and no doubt she’ll be pampered and adored all her life, though limited to flats.” Making her chuckle as you giggled again.

Under the moonlight in her seat Hermione smoothed her fingers along the knees of her jeans and once again let out a soft giggle making Bofur grin and look at her instead of the dopey eyed Prince staring at her left enjoying the sound of her happiness in being in his company. Bofur shifted from his own seat to stroll over from his own seat asking, “Ah, Miss Granger. Now you have me curious,” Peering up at him her grin doubled as he asked, “What has you giggling?”

Hermione sheepishly glanced away then answered looking back, “Talked to my Mum earlier, she’s pregnant!” In her eager squeak the men smiled at her, “Dad had a bad accident as a boy and was told not to expect children, so needless to say I was a shock, now she’s had another surprise!”

Bofur, “Congratulations. Quite a blessing.”

Hermione nodded and wiped her cheek in a stray tear from the corner of her eye worrying the men for a moment until she said, “This one will be safe. No more war with Wizards and Muggles. They won’t have to be scared for us anymore.”

Bofur’s hand reached out to pat her shoulder kindly through Fili’s gentle pat on the opposite one in saying, “You’ll be safe. We won’t let anything happen to you.”

Again her grin widened in her eyes searching the Prince’s and she nodded then looked out to the barrier again settling her hand on top of his stirring a massive grin onto his in its drop to her lap for his first heart swelling bout of hand holding. Grinning himself Bofur eased back to his own chair trying not to draw attention to himself by holding back his pleased chuckles. Softly after a few moments Hermione led a series of questions hoping to draw more of the mystery man’s life to her knowledge when her patience was overweighed by her bubbling curiosity after years of waiting.

Ending with her question of, “Do you like sports? There’s a Quidditch match tomorrow at Hogwarts, did you want to come?”

“Absolutely!” After a moment of bliss at her invitation and grin up at him he asked, “What’s Quidditch?” making her laugh to herself and start to explain it.

Up at the crack of dawn Fred, George, Cedric, Oliver, Tory and Moran stood with you in the pitch out back of your home readying for your first training session. Battle worn and still exhausted you all grinned seeing Ginny joining you hoping that the exercise might help to lighten your moods before settling into your new supposed homes. All the Quidditch pro teams began to ready themselves for this upcoming season stirring up a much needed hope in the hidden masses. A light at the end of all this darkness and right on time for this World Cup Year. While Fili sat up relaying the terms of the sport to his relatives all too eager to join in on the sporting event at the first sight of the brewing storm around the campsite hindering travel a day the men relented to relaxing and helping the Prince continue to woo his One.

With widened eyes in the company of your exhausted group joining the sea of children and teens you were spotted wincing lowering onto your seat in the Professor’s box with Teddy and Em in your arms through Barty’s day with his wife in case she went into another false labor. Ravenclaw and Slytherin both took to the pitch and buzzing themselves the Dwarves perked up while Dwalin nuzzled Lulu closer to his chest worried the noise might make her cry only to calm in her giddy giggles and focus on the rattling lamb toy her parents had left with her.

Through the start of the game Charlie explained a bit more of the game while Hermione smiled after sneaking a bit closer to Fili’s side and practically made him melt in easing her hand under his arm to rest there. Off to the side though focused on the intro to Quidditch book you had given him the night before in a joint snack trip, Ori listened as Neville clarified a few details he was confused about.

With growing smiles they all watched intently as the smallest of the children had grouped their chairs closer to the front rows for a better look with snacks in floating trays enchanted to not go flying when they would begin their excited cheers. By the end of the match on the way to the winning team’s choice of cocoa when you had joined them the Dwarves had gotten fully into the sport and happily praised the team members with the plays they each enjoyed the most. With Dwalin’s being the most contained only due to Lulu being asleep against his chest driving his tone to an excited slur of whispers.

Cocoa would be followed by Hogsmeade the following day and in a joint gathering off all the former Death Eaters in your office. Around the agreed upon design far from intimidating, a duckling that would stare outwards quack and walk in a figure eight followed by tiny duck prints to face outwards again. The sheet of paper was soon obstructed by the offered forearms as you exposed yours by tugging up your long sleeved shirt and held out your wand you then pressed to the mark etched into your skin.

Blood trickled up around the image now bubbling up on their exposed arms replacing the Dark Mark stirring up amused smirks on their skin mirroring yours. A sign of new beginnings, though at their insistence the crown remained, though now a crown of woven bluebells sat atop the head of your duckling with tiny blue petals joining the duck prints in its eager trotting. Each of you coated the marks with thin gauze and wrapped them adoringly with a shared promise to be better and do better protecting the people you had left from facing suffering like your lost past again.

Again Draco returned to his models for a possible mock up of Dale thanks to sketches from the elder Durins of what they could remember of the destroyed city as for measurements and the basic layout of the cities borders. A map of the land around Erebor sat open on the table as well with ideas for how any bit of it might be used. Angmar would have to be cleared if the Elf King refused as the Durins claimed he would to allow you to use any bit of his lost lands. And the full mountain range to Moria certainly would prove to be ample enough space to house double your Wizarding world and the twenty miles North of the Grey Mountains and Angmar leading to the ocean would be more than useful to create a decent buffer between the Dwarves and the Africa sized island along with all your others for the safety of the Muggles housed on them as well as the magical creatures and shrunken cities.

It would take some doing but mish mashing all of the lands together would take some doing to fit everyone in ideally but it could be done in the usual magical way to accommodate all needs. Each land’s monuments and idyllic formations would be divided up for the Wizarding world to claim fully reminding them of their culture’s pasts with hopefully Muggle colonies nearby if possible to try and lull them back into some sort of contact in case of more muggle borns in the future. It would be delicate work but somehow things would even out, especially if you weren’t left to the negotiating with world leaders so unfamiliar with you.

Slipping out of the room as agreed earlier you returned to your bedroom with Lucius and Narcissa in tow. Finally with your worst bruises mended your eyes shut easing the back of your shirt up and your ponytail aside over your chest in a hunch to rest your forehead on Lucius’ shoulder. Behind you Narcissa sat with wand drawn saying, “I will try to make this brief.”

“Take the time you need.” Steadily her eyes sank over your burn and scar coated back and sides from the battle to the portkey you helped to blast the other DA members through. Closing your eyes you inhaled and sent your mind off to focus on Opal and Norberta exploring in the gardens while Idris preened on the edge of the frozen fountain losing the battle against the gentle fall of snowflakes onto his feathers in the first sting of her singing your back.

Fully bathed and changed the Dwarves curiously wondered where you had gotten to as they had promised to show you some defense tips with some of their spare blades alongside Hermione to act as her chaperone. Thorin and Dwalin trailed after the Princes heading for your bedroom only to find it cracked already. A faint scent of singed skin had Thorin step in front only to have his lips part seeing Lucius holding you steady while Narcissa’s wand tip burned your badly scarred back in a small section then raised the stopped from the vial floating at your side to drip across your back. Instantly unscathed skin was revealed in the burns healing before she moved onto the final patch luring another muffled whimper from you in your mental pull back feeling someone else watching you.

Deeply you inhaled and exhaled after she was done and helped to secure your bra strap again and lower your shirt in Lucius’ forehead tapping yours muttering to you softly before folding one of your Phoenix candies from your shop to help give you a boost of energy until you could eat again.

The gentle knock on the door earned your response, “It’s open.”

Raising your eyes you smiled at the group as you stood at Kili’s asking, “Do you have more scars like those?”

The corner of your mouth twitched up as you three moved closer to them joining them on the path to dinner as you replied, “Those were the last. Best to wait until the bruises heal to do it. Not nearly as painful to remove them as getting the scars in the first place.”

Fili, “Can’t imagine how painful that must have been.”

You smiled at him, “And you’ll never have to. Hopefully none of us will after we’re settled.”

Lucius, “Everyone is aligned now, none of us will allow any to rise up again.”

Narcissa, “Certainly not with our thorough scans through all the collected lands clearing out the few stragglers hiding within.”

Tugging up your sleeves you crossed the room grinning at the men in the swing of your ponytail around your shoulder and onto your back you grinned through their inspection of your bound arm saying, “I can’t wait to see what sort of lesson you have in store for me.”

Upon your reaching him Thorin’s hand reached out to hover an inch from the bandage, “You are injured.”

When his eyes met yours you said, “Just the skin,” you looked to Dwalin pointing to his bared forearm coated in markings, “Your kin have tattoos as well.”

Thorin chuckled saying, “In that case, we cannot wait to see it healed.”

In a giggle you said, “You might like it, it’s a duckling.”

With a chuckle Thorin turned joining you for the walk to the gardens asking, “And just what does a duckling signify?”

“For me, freedom.” His eyes caught yours in a grin, “For others, adaptability and resilience.”

Thorin, “Admirable.”

In the short walk you joined Hermione in her timid step out of her room in a pink hoodie and some jeans over her sneakers. At your side she strolled with you joining in on the silent speculation of what was in store for you both. All your prior lessons were with wooden swords and today you tried for steel long swords with the elders before the brothers would split up and guide you on their bows and arrows grateful for your ability to expand their quivers with multiplying charms.

Pt 4

#HP Crossover #Fili x Hermione

19 notes · View notes

ichoosesakichu · 5 years

Text

Okay guys please be kind... I woke up and had the overwhelming need to write this. This is my first fan fiction in years so please... Read with an open mind.

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Feyre sighed as she walked into the kitchen, realizing how shitty her luck was. She looked over towards the refrigerator as Tamlin began grabbing random items, clearly marked with others names. Ferye had been at the High Lord's School of the Arts for just over a year and she was well aware of the inspiring actor pilgrimaging through others belongings. So aware of him that she had thought it a dream come true when he had asked her out six months ago. That night had been a dream already as her painting had won the prestigious Court of Fae award, only to be eclipsed by Tamlin grabbing her hands and telling her that he had fallen for her.

Feyre snapped to her senses as she heard the kitchen door open once more. She turned to see who else in the dormitory now graced their presence only to be taken aback.. Rhysand. When had he returned, Feyre wasn't quite sure. Last she had known he was in England filming a movie with her best friend Morrigan. Mor had returned just over a month ago, just as Feyre had needed her the most, but Rhys had stayed for the press tour. Since Feyre had started at the academy, Rhysand and her had developed a deep friendship, thought that's all it had really seemed to be. Even though Feyre couldn't deny how attractive Rhys was and how sometimes she wished he hadn't left with Mor six months ago.

"Well hello Feyre, darling," Rhysand purred.

"Hi Rhys.." Feyre managed to get out.

Suddenly Tamlin was aware he wasn't alone in the kitchen, as he closed the refrigerator door. "Welcome back Rhysand," he said as he began wiping his hands clean of whomever's leftovers he had just been helping himself to. Noticing who else was among them he began to snicker. "Feyre," Tamlin then spat out. "Actually going to eat something or are you just looking at the sights?" He turned as he reached the door, giving Feyre one last glare. "Careful Rhysand, don't let Feyre fool you, she's quite the liar." And with that he was gone.

"Well I heard that you're no longer the happy couple on campus," Rhys sighed.

Feyre rolled her eyes. "Thank the mother for that. Sorry you had to get dragged into whatever that was."

Rhys snorted, "I'm just glad I don't have to see that ape parade you around like he found some new sparkly plaything. The things Mor told me made me sick."

In the beginning it hadn't been bad. Feyre had been so swept up in the romance she hadn't noticed the signs. He was always eager to tell her how beautiful she was, how perfect and small she was. When they would go out, she'd always tried to order smaller portions, trying to keep her frame petite for him. When she didn't finish everything on her plate, Tamlin would take it upon himself to finish it. It wasn't long before he was selfishly eating anything she ordered without asking. Feyre didn't mind, as long as she was making him happy, she'd do anything for him, even if it meant not eating. It wasn't until she fainted on her way to class one day she began to realize there was a problem.

Feyre let out a small laugh, "Word of advice, if you don't want your food to go missing, invest in a refrigerator for your room. That's what I did. If it wasn't for the dishwasher, I wouldn't have to come in here anymore." Feyre walked towards the sink to rinse her mug out before setting it down on the counter. "His almighty self thinks he has a right to whatever is in this dorm otherwise." She turned to Rhysand and the look in his eyes caught her off guard.

"Feyre, I know what happened. Mor…Morrigan told me. I know it's not my business to know so I'm sorry, but I can't help but worry.."

"Don't Rhys, I know. You're Mor's cousin so I'm not surprised she confided in you, but everything's okay now. I'm better, why else would I bother to hide my food otherwise?"

Feyre tried to smile but she couldn't get her face to listen. Anorexia they had called it, the refusal to eat. Without realizing it, she had let herself fall into the world of eating disorders, all in the hopes that she could keep her body the way Tamlin liked. When she had finally gotten the guts to tell him, he had all but laughed in her face. Treating her as if she was a dumb child, he started treating her differently. It wasn't long until Feyre felt as if she was all alone, suffocating in the darkness.

Mor had surprised Feyre at Christmas and had come home for a few days between filming. The moment she had laid eyes on Feyre, she had begun to cry. Her once beautiful friend was nothing but bones. She had only been gone for four months, yet it felt as if years of damage had come to her best friend. It also wasn't hard to notice the bruises that also covered her wrists. Feyre had told Mor about it all, how Tamlin would force her to eat, how he would pin her arms down as he shoved food at her. When Feyre couldn't stomach it, he would scream at her and his temper would flare up. He would throw and break things, claiming that Feyre was just looking for attention. That night Mor had held Feyre's hand as she ended things with Tamlin. Feyre wished she could forget that night, yet those nightmares still plagued her. Afterwards, Feyre reached out and had gotten some help. Mor had declined to take part in the press tour and had returned a month later to be there with Feyre. Two months and she was finally gaining some weight back, no matter how hard it was battling her inner demons.

Rhys grabbed Feyre's hand and gently began to stroke her palm. His velvet eyes burned into hers and she couldn't look away. It had been so long since it felt like someone truly saw her and she had forgotten how to act. "I'm sorry I wasn't here Feyre. That night, I hadn't meant to stand you up. If only I had showed up, this never would have happened.." Rhys trailed off.

Feyre had almost forgotten all about that day six months ago. Rhys had told her he needed to talk to her after the Court of Fae presentation, yet on her way to meet him was when Tamlin had declared his love for her. By the time she had gotten to where they had promised to meet up, Rhysand was nowhere to be found.

"I heard him confess to you Feyre. I thought he was going to make you happy, so I decided what I needed to tell you didn't matter anymore," Rhys continued as he ran his free hand through his hair. "And then to find out how he treated you, the hell you went through. Even now I can tell how far you have yet to go. If only I had told you right away Feyre, you wouldn't have gone through this.."

"Rhys, I don't understand what you're getting at.. this is.. this was all my fault. I don't think there's anything you could have said to stop what happened."

"Feyre, I love you." Rhysand all but shouted. "Ever since you came to this school I've felt this connection to you. I couldn't place it until I saw your painting for the contest, it was in that instant it all came together. The way you paint the world, the way you see the world… I want to be apart of that world. I don't want to see the light in you fade. When Mor told me why she wasn't doing the press tour, I told her I was coming home too. I couldn't bear to live with myself if I knew you were still suffering. Yet Mor told me to stay, to let you heal just a little before I came home. That it would be better if you learned to heal on your own, so I stayed. Everyday was torture, honestly I just got back and saw you walk into the kitchen and I followed you in without thinking."

Feyre felt as if she couldn't breath. "You...you love..." she paused and looked into his eyes. "You love me?"

"I love you, Feyre Archeron," Rhys said as he leaned down to kiss her forehead, "and I promise to never let you go through anything like that again."

It finally dawned on Feyre. She understood why she had hoped Rhysand hadn't left and why she had still gone to their meeting after Tamlin had confessed. She looked up once more at those unsure velvet eyes and for the first time in months, she felt as if she was truly alive again.

"Rhysand… I am broken and healing," Feyre began while placing her hand on his cheek, "but every piece of my heart belongs to you."

As Feyre finished she could see the tears trying to stay within Rhys's eyes. As if on instinct she leaned up and kissed him gently on his lips. Rhysand grabbed at her waist and pulled her closer. "I promise to be there with you as you heal," he whispered as he found her lips once more.

-----------------------------------------------

Hey guys, me again. Anorexia is no joke, if you or anyone you know is struggling from any type of eating disorder please help them reach out for help. The truth is, no amount of time may heal someone suffering with an ED, it's not just something you 'get over.' ED's are not the same in everyone and it's not easy to always see the signs, so please watch out for those you love.

#a court of thorns and roses #acotar #feyre archeron #feyre #feyreandrhysand #feyre x rhysand #rhysand #rhys

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jawnjendes · 5 years

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girl, you’re trouble | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

AN: i dont love the title but whatever i guess!! let me know ur thots, Thots! ALSO theres a bit of Spanish in this (surprise, the goth gf is actually mexican) so get ur fuckin translators out

masterlist | series playlist

I woke up alone in bed, but I wasn’t alone in the apartment. Just outside the bedroom, in the living room, I heard the sounds of Shawn singing and playing guitar. A smile appeared on my tired face. It’s been a while since I heard that pretty voice. It took me a minute to process what exactly he was belting out, but it must have been new. I’ve heard all of his songs, but this one was unfamiliar to me.

“Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in

Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can’t

It isn’t in my blood”

With a heavy sigh, I reached for my phone on the nightstand. However, as soon as I extended my arm and tried to stretch, I felt the minor sting of my incisions. I groaned and remained lying where I was, and I waited for Shawn to get all his sad boi feelings out. Good thing I loved hearing him sing.

“Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing

I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something

I could take to easy my mind, slowly”

Okay, that was a direct hit to the feelings I tried so hard to keep tied up in a small box in the back of my mind. I felt small and helpless all over again in a matter of seconds. I had to lie on this bed and stare at the ceiling while I waited for my boyfriend to come and help me sit up. I had to depend on someone else to get by, and I never experienced that. I needed help, and I hated it. I hated being so vulnerable. Crazy how his words could drastically change my mood. And I literally just woke up.

Out of sheer spite (to whom, I don’t know), I dug my elbows into the mattress and attempted to pick up my head and shoulders. I felt the strain below my belly button, where the biggest incision was located, but I still tried to sit up on my own. Then, a sharp pain went through where I was cut into, and I groaned through gritted teeth. I dropped my head back and took a deep breath. I can do this.

Shawn’s guitar playing suddenly stopped. “Honey?”

Okay, I can’t do this.

I took another deep breath and tried to erase the frustration from my face as the door to the room opened. Shawn dashed inside and approached me.

“Are you okay? What happened?” he asked, looking up and down at my body like he was expecting me to be bleeding.

“Nothing, I was just trying to sit up,” I replied monotonously.

“Well, why didn’t you call me? I was just right outside the door.” Without even asking, he leaned down to wrap an arm around my back and moved me into a sitting up position. I felt a bit stupid.

I decided to change the subject. “Was that a new song I heard?”

“Yeah, something that hit all of a sudden,” he said. “What’d you think?”

Carefully, I shifted so my legs hung over the edge of the mattress. “I liked it a lot. I was happy to hear you sing again.”

Now I was able to reach for my phone on the nightstand. I had a new text from my mom, saying that she and my dad landed in Toronto. A deep pit formed in my stomach.

“My parents are in the city,” I said, my eyes widening.

Shawn didn’t reciprocate my nerves. “That’s great! Do they need a ride from the airport?”

“No!” I answered too quickly. “Uh… If you pick them up and I’m not there, they’ll be upset that I didn’t personally welcome them here. And if I do go with you, they’ll freak out because I’m not taking better care of myself post-surgery. Just let them get a Lyft.”

“Okay, then…”

For the first time in weeks, I got myself ready. Yeah, I was in the hospital for a week and a half, but exams season was prior to that event. I had been looking raggedy for a while now. My face was a little sunken in from the dramatic weight drop I experienced from my diet, but I didn’t look Dead dead. I brushed my teeth and straightened my hair, and I felt good about it. Plus, I was glad to discover I still had the skill to almost effortlessly draw on inner and outer wings on my eyes. I mean, I had one eye done successfully...

Shawn was watching me in the bathroom, leaning against the doorway with a smile on his face. I pretended to be too busy drawing on my other wing to acknowledge him for about five seconds. The pressure was a bit much.

“Can I help you, my dear?” I asked, finally drawing the outline of my wing.

“You just look so pretty,” he said mindlessly. “And you’re so good at putting on makeup.”

I chuckled. “It’s just eyeliner.”

Then the subject changed. “So… I know I’ve asked, but I still don’t know the answer. What are your parents like?”

I never knew how to answer a question like that without sounding like an ungrateful child. “Um… my mom’s an Aries and my dad is an Aquarius…”

“Babe.”

“My mom’s name is Lucy, and my dad’s name is Ed,” I tried again. “They’ll talk to each other in Spanish if they don’t want people around them to know what they’re saying. A lot of people say I’m a mix of both of them. Uh, they’re swayed by actions and not words. They know you make me happy, so they should be nice.”

“Should?” Shawn repeated. “Uh, okay. Noted. My parents and sister are coming over too. Like, a little bit later. So it’ll be a big happy family time.”

“Fun!”

Oh god. If there was anything in my body, I’d shit myself.

For once, the two of us were dressed in something other than pajamas. I mean, I still had on black sweats, but I had on my black long sleeve with a rose embroidered on the chest. It was nicer than a t-shirt, in my opinion. Plus, it went well with Shawn’s black floral button up and black jeans. His outfit was a bit more colorful, but I was a little giddy that we had an unplanned theme going on.

My parents came over first. I heard the knock on the door and made tense eye contact with my boyfriend. Then, I remembered one last bit to tell him.

“Oh, uh… my father doesn’t appreciate names like Gomez Addams, Alice Cooper, Gene Simmons… y’know what I mean?” I said, snaking my arm around Shawn’s waist so we could walk to the front door.

“Why would I call him that?” he asked, confused.

“It’s just his… aesthetic? Appearance? He’s serious about it, and he doesn’t like people poking fun at it, even if it’s not malicious. Tell that to your family too.”

Shawn nodded, but he still seemed confused. I would have explained more, but another well-timed knock on the door distracted me.

“You can just wait on the couch if you want,” he told me as we strolled through the hallway.

“No, I don’t want you facing them alone.”

It’s cute how he thought I was joking. But I was not leaving him alone as long as my parents were here.

“Oh!” I interjected. “One more thing! Do not mention my birth control or my Prozac. They’ll flip their shit if they find out!”

“Shit, okay…”

When we got to the door, I answered. My mother practically screamed.

“Mija! Mi chiquita!” She hugged me around the shoulders, causing the fuzz from her fluffy pink coat to get in my mouth. For once, she was able to reach my shoulders because she was wearing sparkly, silver wedges.

She leaned back and smiled at me, tears welling up in her dark brown eyes. My mom didn’t exactly look young for her age, but she certainly dressed like it. Under her pink coat, she had a lavender dress on and white tights. Not only that, she had dyed her hair a lighter brown in the time that I had been away from home. It was a surprise, but it suited her.

“Love the hair,” I told her with a smile.

She kissed me on the cheek, leaving behind a pink lip stain. “Thank you, mija. Your hair has gotten really long! And you’ve lost weight!”

There it is.

My father was clad in a black leather jacket, a grey t-shirt and black jeans. He had on a black beanie, which covered his full head of dark hair. Last time I saw him, he was clean shaven, but now he had a decent amount of scruff on his chin. He was as tall as Shawn, but way less muscular. He held out a hand to him, and that was when I noticed his nails were also painted black. Haven’t seen that in a hot minute.

“How ya doing?” he greeted. “I’m Ed, and this is my wife, Lucy.”

Shawn shook his hand and smiled. I could tell he was nervous. “Nice to meet you.” He held his hand out to my mom next, but she pulled him into a hug.

“It’s so wonderful to meet you, honey,” she told him, returning his nervous smile.

“You too.” Shawn was pleasantly surprised by the gesture.

Dad hugged me as tight as Mom did. “Mija. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you guys,” I told them.

“Ah, it’s about time you do!” Mom said, still smiling.

And comes the first awkward pause of the week.

“Come on in!” Shawn piped up, gesturing for them to go down the hallway. “Living room is down that way. Would you guys like some water?”

“Oh, you sweetheart. Please, if you don’t mind,” Mom told him before following my dad to the living room.

That gave Shawn and I a moment alone as we went into the kitchen. It was a moment to breathe and to process everything. I looked at him, not really sure what to expect. Did he hate them already?

“You didn’t tell me your parents were polar opposites,” he told me quietly as he went to get glasses from the cabinet. “You never told me your dad was a goth.”

“You never asked,” I said, bemused.

“I’ve asked you like ten times!”

We went back to the living room with glasses of water. My mom was quick to stand up and help me sit on the couch.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be walking around so much,” she suggested.

“It’s good for me, trust me,” I replied. I wonder how much mothering I could take before I had it.

“Let me see your scars,” she said, grabbing at my shirt to look at my bandaged incisions. “Are they healing? Do they hurt at all?”

She’s my mom. What could I do? I sent my mildly embarrassed gaze over to Shawn, who was setting the glasses of water down on the coffee table. He only gave me an amused smile.

“Oh, god no!” Dad snapped, turning his head away. He coughed and gagged.

“It’s not that bad,” I told him. “It’s three holes and two lines in my tummy!”

“Nope! I can’t do blood!”

“There’s no blood!”

Mom pulled my shirt back down and sat next to Dad on the other end of the L-shaped couch. “You dress and act so scary but you can’t even look at your daughter’s wounds!”

They began to bicker in Spanish, to which I rolled my eyes at. Shawn sat down next me and we shared a look.

“Just wait,” I told him. “They’ll be done in a second. Then, they’re gonna interrogate you.”

“Great.”

Once my parents got themselves together, they simultaneously turned to us, hands folded in their laps. They moved together like robots sometimes, it was strange. But it worked for them.

“So, mija,” Mom said, “when will you be coming home?”

Oof. An unpleasant thing to talk about.

“Actually…” I trailed off. “I’m gonna be recovering til the middle of August. If I didn’t have these huge cuts under my belly button, I’d be ready to go home next week…”

Mom blinked a few times, like she hadn’t process what I said. Dad, on the other hand… his face fell. Honestly, I wasn’t too happy about this arrangement either.

“When does school start for you?” Dad asked.

“A week after I’m supposed to be recovered,” I replied. “And I have to get my dorm ready, and my professors will start setting assignments that month. Not to mention, I still have a job.”

“So you can go to work, but you can’t come home?” Mom’s warm, loving facade now vanished. Her face went hard and cold, and her eyes were daggers.

“My job isn’t that far from here,” I told her. “And I’m sitting at a desk most of the time. Trust me, I wanna go home too, but the doctor said-”

She cut across me. “The doctor said you stay con tu pinche novio, verdad? No quieres dejar ese chamaco? No quieres ver tu familia porque ya tienes novio!”

My dad gently placed his hands on her shoulders and quietly spoke to calm her down. It wouldn’t do any good, because now I was angry, and I talked back.

“Él no es chamaco! Me está cuidando, y estoy muy agradecido que me deje quedarme aquí! Sin él, hubiera estado sin hogar y varado! Ma, el doctor me dijo que no puedo viajar asi!” I raised my voice, causing Dad to hold up a warning finger.

“Don’t talk to your mother like that!”

“Pues, claro que no quieres viajar! How convenient!” Mom snapped. “Quieres quedarte con ese guey, no me mientas.”

My dad looked at my startled, confused boyfriend. “Listen, Shane-”

“Shawn,” I corrected, folding my arms.

“Sorry. Shawn. I’m sure you’re a nice guy,” Dad continued, “but we don’t know enough about you. We don’t know if this is a safe enough place for our daughter.”

Shawn sat up. “I’ll tell you anything you’d like to know, sir.”

“Nos va a mentir,” my mom spoke, looking at my dad with wide eyes. “Nos dirá que queremos oír.”

Normally, I would have kept at the Spanish, but I was over it now. Especially in front of my English speaking boyfriend. “Just give him a chance, Ma!”

Dad gave me a look like I was crazy. “Mija… she’s not wrong.”

I ignored him and turned to Shawn. “They’ve been here all of ten minutes and they already think you’re a liar. They think you’re forcing me to stay here or something.”

“Hey, we did not say that!” Mom pointed a manicured finger at me.

“It’s gonna lead to that! You’re always going to the worst case scenario!”

“Well, you’re still sick! He could leave or kick you out!”

Shawn spoke up. “Um… with all due respect, I wouldn’t do anything like that. I care so much about your daughter, I wouldn’t even think about leaving her like this, especially since…” He paused and glanced at me once. “I already knew how I felt about your daughter, but her time in the hospital made it even more clear. I love her… so much. All I wanna do is make sure she’s okay and healthy. And I wanna make her happy, too.”

That was all… the sweetest shit ever. But my mother still had a skeptical look on her face. My dad had his eyes narrowed, but he spoke next.

“I can see that. She told us that you slept at the hospital, saw her through to her surgery. Even before that, you stayed despite her health issues. I think that’s a good man.”

My faith was restored and shattered again with every word. “Despite my health issues?” I repeated.

“Ay, mija,” Mom said with a sigh, “you of all people should know how much of a hassle it is to deal with your sickness.”

“Well, Shawn doesn’t see me as someone who’s sick. He never has.”

“It’s really no hassle,” he added. “If anything, she pushes me to eat better.”

“And I only get sick if I eat the wrong thing. Most of the time, I’m fine.”

Mom scoffed. “You were in the hospital. Obviously, you did something wrong!”

Heard those words before… every time I was in the bathroom at my parents’ house. It was my fault. I felt defeated, so I sat back and pinched the bridge of my nose. It was hard to keep my body relaxed when I was so tense and frustrated. Of course, my silence prompted my mom to keep talking… to Shawn.

“As a child, whenever she got mad, she told us she was going to run away to Canada,” she recalled with a chuckle. “And she did! She got a scholarship offer from UCLA, but she chose to run here instead.”

I didn’t run away. I chose the place I actually applied to, and it was Toronto.

“How was I supposed to look after her? What would happen if she got sick?”

I got sick here, and it was handled. I knew how to handle my own burdens. Part of being chronically sick is learning to live with it. Part of it was always being seen as sick to some people. That happened whether you want it to or not.

“Aside from that,” Dad added, “we were also worried about the type of person she might end up with. She’ll pick whoever she picks, obviously. We just don’t wanna see her with someone who’ll influence her the wrong way. I’m sure she’s told you, but she’s had some rough relationships in the past.”

Shawn nodded. “Oh yeah. I know all about Luca.”

“Who’s Luca?”

God fuckign-

Keeping secrets from my parents was not allowed when I lived with them. It was hard trying to find privacy, much less ask for it. If I wanted to keep something for myself, then I was hiding something and that was bad. I couldn’t even keep a journal without worrying that they’ll read it behind my back. They were always able to get stuff out of me anyway… because they’re my parents, and they want to help, and I can only trust them and no one else. They did everything for me, the least I could do was reveal personal information so they knew every little thing that was going on with me.

Don’t even get me started on how offended they would get if I didn’t want to talk about certain things. I wanted time to sit with my depression when it started happening, only for my parents to literally ground me because I kept it from them. My mom was upset because I didn’t tell her about Shawn from the moment I laid eyes on him. So when I told them that I did not want to talk about my past thing with Luca, they weren’t exactly thrilled.

Thankfully, Shawn’s family finally made it over. That meant that my parents had to put on their civil customer service attitudes. Anyway, I finally met Shawn’s dad and sister, Manny and Aaliyah. I was still in a physical state I didn’t want to be in, but this was much better than when I was on morphine and hitting on my boyfriend.

Within minutes, our parents were bragging about their kids. Not in a way where they were trying to one up each other, more like they were proving their kids were good together. My mom let go of some of her skepticism as Karen gushed about her son. Karen also brought up that she was at the hospital with me, which started up that conversation.

“Okay, mija,” Mom said, looking at me. “How bad was this infection? I couldn’t understand the texts you sent me.”

“Before or after the surgery?” I asked.

“Pues, los dos.”

I spent about twenty minutes explaining the infection, the antibiotics, and the trip to the emergency room.

“So what happened? Why did you get that infection?” Dad asked.

“She stopped taking care of herself,” Mom answered for me. “I’m assuming you and your vato go out a lot. ¿Están comiendo pura basura, verdad?”

“No es cierto!” I argued, but I had to remember the other witnesses in the room. “Sometimes, these things just happen. I was really upset to that I spent so much time taking care of myself, only to end up having surgery. But everything went well. The surgery was successful, and I’m okay.”

I could still see fire in my mother’s eyes, but she held her tongue. It was just another argument to be had later. It was a little embarrassing, having Shawn’s family witness the tension and underlying rage. The only person who seemed entertained by it was Aaliyah.

“And after the surgery?” Dad asked, gesturing for me to continue. “You had another infection?”

“Just on the incision,” I replied. ��That was take care of with antibiotics.”

“That’s not what your texts said.”

“Huh?”

Now, I remember sending my parents updates on my condition, despite the fact that they were without their phones literally the entire time I was in the hospital. I knew I sent them the text about having a surgical site infection.

Shawn spoke up, his voice soft. “Honey…”

I turned to him, but he was looking at the floor now. His jaw was clenched, like he was holding something back. He was silent long enough for his mom to speak up.

“You did have an infection, yes,” she said, “but that was a few days after… The day after your surgery, you went into shock. They found out you were hemorrhaging, and they took you into the OR again. If they didn’t catch it when they did, you could have died.”

I only stared silently, my mouth half open. My mom gasped and clutched her chest, horrified. Dad was rubbing his hands together, trying to process what was spoken. Aaliyah had her mouth wide open, like the greatest tea was being spilled. Manny and Shawn were both looking down at the floor.

“Holy crap,” Aaliyah whispered, breaking the silence.

“Why did nobody tell me this?” I finally asked.

“The fever and the drugs made you delirious,” Shawn explained, picking his head back up. “They told you, but you probably don’t remember. Sometimes you didn’t even recognize me. And I sent most of the texts to your parents. Figured they would want to know.”

Every word was like a hammer to my chest. Now that I was thinking about it, my hospital memories were fuzzy. If there was something I did remember, it was my boyfriend sitting at my bedside for days. Also, his nightmares made a lot more sense now. It was my fault.

It’s all my fault.

That night, I lied awake. Again. Shawn frequently thrashed and yelled in his sleep. I found myself wondering if I would actually wake up again.

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #fourtristattoosspring #shawn x goth gf #im not gonna lie........ i dont love this chapter #it play differently in my head #and the original draft was a disaster #and i didnt even hit all the points i wanted to get at with her parents #but things need to keep going bc it only gets more intense from here!!!!#but also!!!!#i feel like i havent written enough fluffy shit abt goth gf feelin her mushy feelios for mr sunshine over there!!!!!!!!!#and things are gonna get....... intense!!!!!!!!#FUCK!#whatever here it is take her as she is!!!!!!

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santoteez · 5 years

Text

In The Bronx - Hongjoong (5)

Part: 5 of (?)

Masterlist to other parts/fics: Here

Genre: Drugdealer!Hongjoong, Drugdealer! SeonghwaAU, Angst, Eventual Fluff

Word Count: 2.2k

Requested: no

Warnings: MC is a black female, mentions of drugs, mentions of child neglect & abandonment, swearing, Hongjoong’s brother is inspired by Mingi

NOTE: This fic does NOT, in any way, shape, or form, portray the way I view any member of Ateez nor does it depict their true personalities or actions. This AU is just that. An AU.

Hongjoong smiled bittersweetly as he watched Santana and Minjoon lined up to leave the facility.

“Arms out.” The guard said, approaching him once again with the handcuffs. Once he was chained up, he was escorted back to his cell awaiting the public defender he was appointed when he arrived. He was unchained in front of his cell, rubbing his wrists once they were free and walking in.

“I don’t know what you’re here for, kid,” the guard said, closing the cell back. “but you’re probably the most well-behaved inmate I’ve ever escorted. Didn’t fight. Your visitors seem like nice people. I’m guessing the boy is your brother, looks just like you. The girl that was with him, that your lady?” Hongjoong nodded. “If you get outta here, do me a favor. Whatever you did that got you here, cut it out. It’s not every day you see loving people come visit. 90% of those visitors are gang members coming to brief their leaders on the latest. Do right by them.”

Hongjoong nodded. “Thank you, sir.” He walked over to his bed, laying down.

“Your first visit. How was it?” His cellmate asked.

Hongjoong didn’t know much about him. Hell, he had yet to even see his face. Since last night, the man sat in his bed, facing the wall. He didn’t even leave the room to eat. His food was brought to the cell while Hongjoong was escorted to the cafeteria that morning. Hongjoong wondered if he ever used the bathroom.

“It was fine, thanks.” He answered, retrieving the pencil and paper he had convinced the guard to get him.

“What about that girl you were up all night drawing a picture of? Was she there?”

Hongjoong looked up at him, putting away his drawing of Santana. “Nah, it’s just a character. Not a real person.”

“I’ve been here a long time, kid. No one gets locked up and starts drawing cartoons. I bet that’s the girl the guard was talking about.”

Hongjoong sighed. “Maybe. You ever get any visitors?”

“Nah, no one wants anything to do with me. They hate me.”

“Why? What you in for?”

“Murder.”

“I see.” Hongjoong continued his drawing.

“What you in here for, kid?”

“A whole lot of bullshit. I don’t regret it though.”

“Why’s that?”

“I did it all for my brother.”

“You must love him.”

“With all I’ve got. It’s just us.”

“And your parents?”

“I don’t remember much of my father. He never came around the house. I probably saw him briefly when my mom was pregnant with my brother. As for my mother, I haven’t seen her since I was five.”

“Are you from The Bronx?”

“Yep.”

“Is your name Joongie by any chance? Your brother is Minjoon?”

Hongjoong nearly dropped his pencil. He hadn’t heard that nickname in years. Only his mother ever called him that. It’s why he insisted on going by HJ. “How do you know that? Who told you that shit?”

“Your mother was Jinwoo. And the last time you saw her, the man she left with had a scar on his face.” For the first time, the man turned around to fully face Hongjoong. “A scar exactly like this one.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Hongjoong muttered as he observed the scar that ran from the man’s eye down to his chin.

Kim Hongjoong, good afternoon.” A tall blond approached the cell. “I’m Sarah Fawcett, your public defender. I’m going to go get the guard to take you out so we can talk for a bit, okay?”

Hongjoong nodded as she walked off, getting up to wait by the gate.

“Joongie-”

“Don’t call me that. That person doesn’t exist. When I come back, just face the wall. I don’t want to talk to you.” Hongjoong said as the gate opened.

He followed the public defender to a small interrogation room. It was empty except for a stainless-steel table and two matching chairs.

“Hongjoong, have a seat, please. I see here you’re facing a life sentence for the attempted murder Timothy and Clarence Claremont. I spoke to the arresting officer as well as the attorney for the Claremonts. We’ve all discussed a plea deal. They’ll reduce your sentence if you plead guilty for this case…as well as the Paredes case.”

“Woah, wait. Paredes? You mean Lil Victor that got caught in a drive-by up the block?”

“That is correct.”

“I had nothing to do with that! I was nowhere near there at that time!”

“Do you have an alibi?”

“I was home all day that day.”

“Can anyone attest for that? Anyone else there with you?”

“No, It’s only me and my teenage brother. He was at school. But I was home. I was-” Hongjoong paused, remembering what he was truly doing that afternoon. “sleeping. I woke up around 2:50 to go pick up Minjoon at 3:30. That’s the truth.”

“It may be the truth, but it will barely hold up in court.”

“Why am I even being tried for this? Where did this come from? You haven’t even asked me anything about the Coca Twins.”

“Well, did you do that?”

“No.”

“Ahh, so you expect me to believe you’re just this impeccable citizen from The Bronx that’s done no wrong?”

“I don’t know, why don’t we ask my clean record?”

“Okay, how about this,” she folded her hands on the table. “You plead guilty, and I issue an insanity plea. Say that you did it in a frenzy.”

Hongjoong shook his head. “Nah man, I ain’t crazy. You want me to admit that I killed someone, AND almost killed two other people? In the same day? That literally makes no sense. And all for what? To reduce my sentence to 80 years? 60 maybe? I’m not going down like that. No way.”

Sarah sighed, visibly upset. “Look, kid, you don’t have much of a chance here. If this goes to trial, there’s a 90% chance you’re convicted. Just take the deal.”

Hongjoong leaned in, resting his arms on the table. “Fuck you.” He smiled.

“Okay, you know what? I think we’re done here.”

“I think so, too.” Hongjoong nodded.

“Guard! You can take him back.” Sarah pinched the bridge of her nose.

Hongjoong ran his hand through his hair as he walked back into his cell. He laid down, staring at the ceiling.

“I’m guessing that didn’t go well.”

“Shut up.” Hongjoong closed his eyes. “Please, for the love of God, shut the fuck up.”

“You wanna know why you don’t remember your father? I spent most of my time in and out of this hellhole.”

“What? Now that I don’t wanna talk to you, you expect me to believe you’re my dad? Cut the crap.” Hongjoong laid on his side, away from the man.

“When you were three, you burned yourself on a hot spoon. Your mom was using it for heroin. You had a burn mark on your wrist for almost a week, and your mom beat you for touching it. Those marks took even longer to heal.”

“Anyone with eyes could see that my mother beat me. Plus, we lived in a building full of druggies. Anyone could’ve told you that.”

“When Minjoon was born, it was in the bathroom of a diner. You were the one that called 911 when the workers freaked out when they didn’t know what to do. You were the one that talked them through the whole thing. You took responsibility from a young age.”

“That was a public space. Lots of people found out about that.”

The man sighed. “Okay. How bout this: There’s a birthmark on your inner thigh. In the shape of a heart. You used to always say that you had two hearts because you loved your mom times two.”

Hongjoong turned to face the man. “I only ever told my mom that.” Finally getting a good look at the man, it was insane how much he looked like him, sans the scar. He may have had a couple wrinkles here and there, but it was like looking into a mirror.

The man nodded. “It’s nice to see you, son.”

Hongjoong chuckled. “Wow. I have a dad. Hooray. Two parents that left me for dead.”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“Then how was it? Huh? You thought the other drug addicts would just pick me and Minjoon up and take us into their needle-poked arms to raise us as theirs?”

“When the police pulled up to the house, it was your mom that called them. She gave an anonymous tip-off that two children were left stranded on a stoop and the older one was crying.”

“That makes no sense. Why would she do that?”

“Your mom was young, dumb, and a feen. She did a lot of things that make no sense. The biggest one being following me. That day, I told her you would be better off without her. To just leave you at the hands of the state.”

“Why the FUCK would you do that?”

“I was just as dumb as she was. I was a kingpin for the Barbosa Cartel. She refused to live with me after you were born. She said you’d be safer living far from me. I was crazy about your mother, but as long as you and your brother were in the picture, she wanted nothing to do with me. So, I came up with the knucklehead idea to separate you from her. No kids, no problem. I threatened to kill you if she didn’t abandon you. She preferred you alive, so she obliged. I came for her that afternoon, she left you on the steps. Once we turned the corner, she reported the sighting. She moved in with me, changed her name. She never forgot about you, though. She always went snooping around, seeing how many foster homes you been to, where you were going to school. She saw how Minjoon excelled, and she saw when you dropped out. She was distraught. Said it was all her fault. She wanted nothing more than to run back to you. So, one day I told her she could. I told her to go to you.”

“I don’t remember ever seeing my mom again, so that’s a lie.”

The man shook his head. “She never got the chance to. On her way to your neighborhood, she ran into a man she owed money to years ago. I kept her sheltered all that time so no one knew where she was. She was gunned down on the spot. When word got back to me, I was furious. He killed the person that mattered to me the most. I hunted the man down and strangled him with my bare hands. That’s why I’m here.”

“Barbosa? So you’re the man they call King.” King nodded. Tears streamed down Hongjoong’s face. “You’re so full of shit. Do you realize what the fuck I went through? Countless nights crying for my mother, wondering where she went. I never focused in school, never warmed up to foster parents who did a shit ton more for me than either of you, all because I was scared to love anyone who might leave! I’ve been so scared of being abandoned that I did a whole lotta shit just to make sure I got legal guardianship of Minjoon, and it’s because of that shit that I’m in here, stuck with your bitch ass!” Hongjoong got up, pacing the room back and forth. “You said you were a kingpin, right? Well, I guess history repeats.” He shook his head. “Nah, I gotta get out of here. Get out, go back to school, leave this life behind. I gotta be somebody because the LAST person I wanna be is you. I refuse to end up like this. Because that girl in the drawing? She’s my world. The one that’s responsible for my smile and the one that takes away all my worries. I’m so in love with her, and I would NEVER, in a million fucking years on this earth, do to her what you did to my mother. To my FAMILY. You’re fucking despicable. I could’ve lived my whole fucking life without meeting you and died a happy death.”

“Wanna know something?”

“No, but I’m sure you’re gonna tell me anyway. Your meathead ass is dead from the neck up.”

King ignored the insult. “That officer that brought you in. He’s filthy. Always convicting people of shit they didn’t do. Adding charges from nowhere. He and that public defender are one and the same. You find a way to prove that, you’ll be out in no time.”

Hongjoong shrugged. “Why are you telling me all this? Why do you suddenly care?”

“Because I may be related to you, but you’re nothing like me. And honestly, I don’t wanna see you in here either. You should be out there, going to school, chilling with your brother, loving your lady. The world owes you that much.”

Hongjoong grabbed his metal cup from his bedside, banging it against the metal bars of the cell. “Yo guard! Let me out, I gotta make a phone call! Don’t forget you still owe me for not letting me make one last night!”

If Hongjoong didn’t see a way out before, he definitely did now.

#ateez #ateez hongjoong #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #ateez jongho #ateez angst #ateez fluff #ateez smut

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reddogf13 · 5 years

Text

Between two Voids ch 5

Pennywise x Beverly

summery: It has been 12 years since Beverly was last in Derry. now 26 years old and returning with her boyfriend she strives for a life of normalcy in the small town. Unaware that a certain stalking creature has awakened much earlier than expected. Looking for a challenge to cure its boredom ,in the now crumbling town, IT aims to uproot her life as much as possible. Yet, is that really such a bad thing given her dark situation hidden from all but the eyes of a world eater?

status: complete

rated: M - fowl language and gore

prev chap: Between two Voids ch 4

next chap: Between two Voids ch 6

_____________________________________

~ch:5 Gifts ~

Back in ITs lair Beverly had hunkered down under the many layers of blankets. Staying in hiding since yesterday after leaving the apartment. Wanting to be left alone completely for a time being. It was the only way she could without the feeling of being watched from the dark. Being unhappy that this was the best she could do, hiding under blankets like a child.

“my life's going well.” she thought to herself. Turning over with a hiss at her ribs.

“maybe the clown can get me painkillers.” Losing patience over feeling aches at every movement.

“how many blankets are there? Where'd he get them all?” she wondered, shifting a bunch of pillows into a pile to rest her head on. Being careful not to knock down the large pillow pillars she formed earlier. Laying under a blanket fort carefully constructed with a mostly empty pizza box sitting nearby. Sighing when her stomach loudly growled. Getting up to shift out of the blanket pile. Peering out first to look for the clowns presence. Squinting toward the darker half of the den not lit. light illuminating half in red out from the wagon sitting near. the other half in partial blue from the outside new morning light falling through the large skylight above.

“looks like hes not here, good.” having not seen him since the night. If she could say she saw him at all with only his yellow eyes floating in the blackness. She took in some of the colder air before settling back down into her hidden fort.

“i don't think I'll ever want pizza after this.” taking up one of the few remaining slices . The wrapping on her hand catching her attention as she ate. Reminding her of the touch he gave on the back of her neck. Rubbing her free hand at the spot to stop the hairs on her neck from standing in remembrance. Mind wandering in reverse at what happened yesterday. Chuckling when Charles got hit with a rock.

“he probably threw that rock because I was taking too long at the door. … he probably heard that kissing comment.” dropping the slice onto the rest in dread.

“maybe he'll forget while hes out doing whatever. … probably hunting.” she thought, picking her slice back up.

Outside under the blazing afternoon sun IT was pacing in thought. Thinking of what his next gift should be. He couldn't do the same gift twice. That would show he was lazy, females did not like males that took shortcuts. Especially when they took them on the first steps of courting.

“the shift in her is different then the average. Not sadness, not fear, something between anxiety and anger.” Pennywise paced at the entrance of the drainage pipe to recall what humans called the specific emotion.

“stress? … what breaks stress?” he stopped mid pace.

“hmm, does any place still sell them here? Maybe that tourist place around the old iron works still sells them.” remembering another common gift given on the red heart day. “ I'll have to present it in a nicer container.” he went off to fetch the gift.

Inside Beverly was drawing swirls into the blanket underneath her. Slightly enjoying that she wasn't in the junkyard on this cold morning ... until now.

“Beverly.” hearing the clown speak her name from the small blanket entrance.

“what?” she asked unenergetic, not in the mood to talk. Growing more agitated as she felt him coming closer.

“got you some things.” setting down another hot drink on the pizza box beside her. Putting down a translucent fabric bag, filled with something heavy, alongside it. Crouching off to the side to watch her reaction over the gift.

Curiosity on the strange bag having Beverly pull it close. Tolerating his presence in her space for the time being. As long as he stayed quiet while sitting far away.

“...rocks?” looking inside the bag with confusion.

“not rocks.” he stated.

“sure looks like rocks to me.” she thought. Finding it the strangest thing he's given to her. Picking one up from the mix to look over.

“try one”

“humans don't eat rocks.” setting the one rock in hand back into the mix.

“they're not rocks.” he repeated. Beverly staring down at them at what she could be missing. Picking one back up for another examination.

“”try one” like he expects me to eat them” she thought with a look over it. Grabbing hold of both ends to press on the middle. The “rock” snapping in two under the pressure. Surprised it broke so easily she looked at the inner core of it.

“its chocolate.” she mouthed to herself. hands breaking the chocolate down a little more into smaller pieces. Trying one small piece gladly as her first piece of candy in years. The chocolate core melting in her mouth with a small crunch from the thin outer shell.

“like it?” His speaking catching her attention with a question coming to mind. Beverly pausing her snacking with a tap of her fingers against the bedding. Contemplating how to approach the matter.

“we have to go outside.” she spoke firmly.

“very well.” disappointed at not getting an answer to his question. Following her out the usual way, but her pace being quicker then normal.

“maybe she didn't like it.” he thought as they walked out the pipe.

“what is all of this?” turning to confront him on the river shore.

“what is what?”

“why am I here?! What's with the medication and all the food?!” she specified.

“you're sick.” his head dipping to the side.

“aaaand?” she tried getting more out of him.

“and what?”

“you planning to keep me stuck here?! what happens when i am better?”

“we'll see.” he shrugged. Beverly turning away with a frustrated sigh.

“you didn't like the gift?” he asked.

“gift?”

“i assume that means no.”

“why give me gifts?” she stared suspiciously.

“isn't that usual of courting?”

“courting?!” she exclaimed with a hard swallow of spit she managed not to choke on from shock.

“yes, courting. Do you use a different word for it?”

“no! I mean, there's no courting -courting of me- specifically- by you!” she kept clarifying on her words.

“why not?”

“wh- ...” she was taken aback by his question. Coming up with a million reasons why not.

“he can't be serious. This is some dark joke. A very creepy joke that's too far, even for him” her thoughts passed by at the speed of light.

“tell me, why are you courting me?!” she demanded to know.

“what reason shouldn't I?” he inquired.

“because, - … I am human! Wouldn't you rather find one of your own kind?!” she said off the list of the most obvious of reasons.

“heh, there is only one other like me and I despise them. If I want a mate I'll have to sss- choose one.” avoiding the word settle. That would not be a word liked upon by a possible mate.

“what about all those attempts to kill me?” she asked through gritted teeth.

“that was many years go when you were still prey to be eaten.” speaking as if it were nothing.

“so what's changed now? That i am older than I used to be?”

“yes, you've also shown your equal in strength. You don't act like prey underneath me. One point in taking a mate is making sure they're strong. So that the pair can be stronger together rather then one being crippled by the other.” he explained.

“you think I can make you stronger?”

“in some ways.”

“what if I don't want to be your mate?” her glare hardened.

“well, it will be your loss on a fine catch.” chuckling with a gesture to himself.

“what if I try to leave? You could be forceful about it.” holding her glare with a serious tone. His happy expression dropping at the mention of force.

“i won't-” he started.

“you could.” tone settling darkly on her words.

“shall you let me tell why I won't? … There is simply no reason for me to. I am not running out of time like you.” looking her in the eye as he spoke. Waiting to continue in case she was going to interrupt again.

“ I have waited this long to court someone, I can easily wait just as long again. A forceful approach only gives cons. You wont get a mate that way, only a threat that doesn't like you in the least. Half the time you must spend energy watching your back. they will kill you the soonest they have the chance or make your life miserable when they don't.

The rest of the time you have to waste energy forcing them to stay. Waste energy fighting every single moment together. Any brood created will have a lower chance of survival as one parent disfavors them. That's more energy being used for something that wouldn't be required normally. You're not my be all end all if you leave.

I have better things to spend my energy upon then trapping you here. Its not even worth doing for a meal.” he finished. Beverly not being completely sure of how honest his words were.

“humans do it for the physical pleasure. Not so much the companion part.” her glare softening a little.

“you humans get it physically while I get it through a feed of energy. It wont do me any good if my other half isn't satisfied.” smirking on the subject.

“so what you're saying is, you only get off when she does?” she asked.

“precisely.” his grin stretched overly wide.

“perfect.” she spoke sarcastically with a hand rubbing her face. Emotionally exhausted after the short time of talking.

“i can just leave then, can't I?” challenging his word on not holding her.

“no, there's still my winning of the bet. You're with me until your illness is better.”

“dammit.” she thought, having forgot about that.

“can you at least get this off my hand?” holding up the wrapped one.

“its not fully healed.” he sighed.

“but if you really want it off.” extending out his hand to her. Beverly setting her own in his again, That chill running down her spine from his touch. Becoming more flustered as his second hand covered hers to gently rub over the wrappings with his thumb. The smooth wrappings growing fuzzier with each smooth over. Taking a piece of it to shred away similar to a cluster of cotton being pulled apart. The rest detaching from her skin after a little pull.

Letting her hand go with the pulled webbing sitting in his. Holding it as the material broke down into dust blowing away with the wind.

“thanks.” She wasn't sure what else to say to him. Freaking out inside that he was courting her. Stuck with him for maybe a month or two until her pneumonia is gone.

“claims i am strong yet he has to take care of me.” she thought.

“is strength the only reason for courting me?” walking by to find a place to sit.

“you can be resourceful at times, clever, loyal.” he listed off from behind her.

“pfft, I am not any of those things.” tone of fake cheer to hide her depression.

“at least you still look delicious. He-he.” Laughing lightly at the look of unease Beverly gave him. He couldn't scare her, but he was still able to enjoy getting under her skin.

“i disagree.” he spoke to break her unsettlement.

“disagree all you want, it doesn't change facts.” fake cheerfulness faltering. Kicking a rock into the water nearby to watch it sink.

“if I was loyal I would still be with the guys. If I was clever would I even be here?” she went off in thought. Dragging her mindset down a dark spiral. Hanging her head low in her hands as she sat on an old fallen log.

“i recognize that emotion.” he thought. Hes caused despair many of times on others, but this will be a first on correcting it.

“like flowers?”

“depends, why?” she let out a tired breath. Watching him put a hand up his sleeve with a yank outward now having a small bouquet in hand.

“like these?” holding them out to her.

“will they burn?” leaning away from the offering. Not entirely trusting offers from him.

“most put them in vases, but sure if you want them to.” bringing the offering closer to him again. The flowers burning away with a small singe of fire. Falling to the ground as a pile of ashes.

“listen clown, I don't want any gifts from you. I rather we just keep space unless there's some important reason not to be.” standing to speak with little care to his reaction on the matter. Either he was being truthful about letting her go or he was lying and shed have to fight for her freedom. For the latter case she'd need to be more prepared first before any attempts.

“i haven't found the right offering yet, is all. I shall keep presenting, eventually I will find an offering you'll like.” speaking as if it were a challenge of his skills.

“no, that's not it! I don't want them! ” she rubbed her forehead.

“your taste is hard to point.” ignoring what she just said with a few thoughts to what she could want.

“nothing's going to work! there will be no courting of me or gift giving or whatever! That is all with no moving on the matter! … are you listening?” she asked at seeing him look off in to the distance to the side. “maybe you'll listen better if I try to leave.” she sighed with a turn to head off.

“you want new clothing?” he asked suddenly with Beverly stopping. thinking carefully on her next action. Considering in her thoughts for a moment.

“i do, but I can't take his gifts. That will just get me into all sorts of trouble.” she debated. Really wanting new clothes that weren't so torn or stained from blood. She walked forward without giving an answer to his question. Thinking that possibly ignoring him would get her own message across that she wasn't going along with this.

“what about a place with hot water?” throwing that offer out next while following behind. Almost causing Beverly to trip over her own feet.

“a place with hot water. Where I could take a shower and not a dip in the cold river. … no, I cant.” she thought. Ignoring him further with a painful bite at her tongue not to accept.

“it will be a room at that fancy hotel.” no reply from her about it. “it won't be a gift. Just a neutral providing.” he added. Having her stop with a heavy tightening in her chest. She inhaled a deep breath with a look to the ground.

“he says it won't be, but I know it is. Being out of the drainage tunnels would be nice, but ...” she fought with herself.

“no.” she painfully answered.

“ I'll shorten my bet winnings.” he offered last. He didn't want to put that on the table, but he needed to grab her with something. Courting wasn't just gifts, it was a show of what you could provide. Confidence in putting on a grand show on shortened time was still high for him. He just needed her to accept and judging by her body language it was becoming impossible for her to say no.

“shortened imprisonment.” she thought.

“shortened by how long?” Wanting to avoid being scammed by him shortening it by just a day.

“2 weeks off the total month left.” he answered.

“over half.” she thought, considering the option. “ I can't accept anything. … he wont stop offering things if I reject. … accepting would get me away faster. I really don't want to regret this … he's really throwing things at me. Maybe ….” an idea coming to light on shifting this further to her advantage.

“take off 3 weeks.” she stated at him.

“that barely leaves anything!” he exclaimed in a deep snarl. With a day already having passed and then another 3 weeks gone. He'd only have 6 days with her fully under his watch.

“you can have that be the last gift. Last gift has to be the best, right?” she smirked with brows raised.

He sucked in a sharp breath of air. Letting out a deep guttural growl from the core of his chest. This was heading a way he did not like.

“you did not want gifts.” narrowing his eyes toward her.

“i'd really like this gift. You don't want to end on a bag of candy do you?” baiting him further with a small smile. Happy to watch him squirm under the pressure. shifting his body with some speaking of an unknown language to himself at the side. Going still in contemplation with a look off to the side like earlier before this whole bargaining started.

The slow look he gave her next had her smile drop. Eyes burning a bright yellow with a growing sly grin. An idea of his own forming on evening the deal for himself.

“I'll give you your gift, if you kiss me.” he stepped closer.

“ … I'll get nothing unless I kiss you?” she glared, stepping back. Her risen mood dropping like the rock she kicked into the river.

“no, you'll get clothes, the hotel, and reduced 2 weeks either way. The kiss will get you the third week reduced.” Her mood raising back up a bit with the kiss being optional.

“how badly do I want that third week gone?” she asked herself in thought. Considering her next words carefully to figure out a way around this. “... it's not a gift anymore. More of an exchange.”

“you're the one who said to stop with the gifts. I thought an exchange would be easier for you to accept. Heh.” he chuckled. “besides, you said you would rather kiss me then someone else. So I can't be that bad.” what he brought up had Beverly turn away to hide the blush growing across her face.

“somebody shoot me now.” she thought with nothing to help her cope over the embarrassment. Collecting herself enough to face him.

“okay.” she spoke the acceptance quickly.

“the faster I get away, the better.” she figured in her mind to take this little bullet.

When he leaned down close she leaned back reflexively. Staying still for the action being difficult with the idea of him getting so close. Flinching away more from his touch of gently holding her chin. Heart racing from her body having learned that touch was not something enjoyable.

“afraid I'll bite? Heh heh.” he teased. Beverly forcing to lock her body still after that comment. Flinching made her seem afraid when she wasn't. Not wanting to portray that while being so close to a mouth filled with teeth.

“shh.” he hushed, slowly moving his hands to hold the sides of her face. She really hoped he couldn't feel her tense shivering in forcing the stillness.

The chill going down her spine settling her pounding heart. Shutting her eyes tightly with him coming close. Unable to back away from his hands holding her in place.

Beverly wasn't sure what to expect from the kiss. Maybe the taste of blood or a feeling of many teeth biting. Instead she got a soft kiss with the light taste of caramel popcorn. A few more kisses passing between the two making it go on longer than intended. The deepening of the kiss sparking an inner excitement Beverly never felt before in a kiss. Her body starved for affection taking anything it could, even from something that can kill her with a bite to the face.

Opening her eyes had her senses come to on what was happening. Shoving him away defensively to get him off. Pennywise releasing her with a step back for space. Standing by as Beverly straightened her clothes with nervous fidgeting over what happened. Avoiding his gaze like it would kill her to lock eyes.

“want the room or the clothes first?” he asked, feeling the same level of energy Beverly got from the kiss. He would have loved to keep the kiss going, but he needed to stay patient with her.

“how will the clothes be picked?” looking at him out of the corner of her eye. He gathered everything else for her, she assumed he would pick the clothes too.

Without answering he pulled a wad of cash from his sleeve. Holding it out for her to take.

“where'd you get this?” slowly taking the cash, suspicious of its origins.

“borrowed it.” he shrugged.

“ did the “borrowing” involve a dog?” already knowing the answer to that question. Remembering what Erik had mentioned yesterday in his paranoid rant.

“no, what dog? No idea what your talking about. Clothing store is not far from here.” he pushed the subject along.

“suuure you don't.” she mumbled. Counting out the money to budget it at the store.

“$321, Erik sure was busy.” she thought.

“I'll be taking my time on this shopping trip. You might as well wait somewhere else.” pocketing the money, walking up the river bank to town.

“you can't walk out to the hotel, its too far. You've already been outside long enough as is with your illness.”

“i won't die by spending 10 more minutes out in fresh air.” waving him off to go wait.

“why are humans so stubborn?” he thought as she left. He thought about following her, but Beverly wouldn't be too happy with him. He'd wait, but only until after her shopping was done. Getting her back to a warmer environment quicker then a long walk would.

“shit, maybe fresh air will kill me.” Beverly thought over the cold air stinging her lungs. The sensation growing to a consistent stabbing pain by the time she entered the clothing store. She stopped to lean against the wall to deeply breath in the warm air. The stabbing pain dying down with each warmed breath of air.

“what have I gotten myself into?” questioning herself walking down the aisle.

“i shouldn't have taken any of that offer. Shouldn't have given that -” she could still taste him with a lick of her lips. Intensely scrubbing her mouth with her sleeve to get his taste off. Shoving her regrets aside to sort through things. Staying picky over her selection to get the most out of her money. Able to get quite a few outfits and a backpack for easy travel.

“a week left then what? Will IT actually let me go? If I escape I'll have to return to Erik. Convince him to leave Derry, but now that he has an actual apartment he's not going to budge. Money will be tight if I move in with him. Charles seems to be rooming with him too.” she thought with a disgusted shiver. Piling everything onto the counter for purchasing.

“if I start making money maybe I can have Erik push Charles out. Charles can only drag out his life savings before his rent cannot be paid. Slime ball won't be hired around here with how much he chases girls away.” slowing her thoughts to count money for payment. Shoving everything into the large backpack to head on her way.

Following the wall outside to round the buildings corner. Buying a few newspapers from the multiple dispensers. Being only interested in the wanted sections at the back. Rolling them all up into one big bundle with a tap at the ends to keep the bundle tight. At the sight of movement she looked away from the bundle in hand.

“your rooms ready.” Pennywise stretched at his arrival back from the hotel.

“i told you to wait.” tapping the newspaper into her other palm.

“the store out of free bags? Why the expensive bag?” he pointed to the one she wore.

“easy for travel. Had a suitcase, but it didn't last on the streets.” shoving down the newspapers into it. Zipping up the small pocket to slip it back on.

“ready?” he asked with an offered hand. Beverly staring at it as if it were a bear trap ready to snap. Reluctant on taking it after everything else today. When she did take his hand a flash of black swept around them. Disappearing just as it arrived with them appearing inside the most front part of the hotel room.

A little motion sickness hitting Beverly at the arrival. The sickness disappearing by walking further into the room to get away from him. Noticing right away that this was the fancy V.I.P room of the hotel.

Fancy living room with full surround sound TV bigger than anyone shed seen before. Mini bar filled with alcohol, snack bar with multiple goodies. Double doors leading to the bedroom with another TV system sitting in front of a large king sized bed. A side sliding door leading to a whole dining area with a long table surrounded by multiple chairs.

Stopping at the dining room doorway at the sight of a buffet of food laid out all across the table. Not one spot being open to see the table top.

“i thought you might be hungry.” he spoke from the main part of the living room.

“i don't eat that much.” seeing over enough food to feed a party of 5. she wouldn't be able to put a dent in no matter how hungry she was. Although her growling stomach was happy to take a chance at the challenge.

“noted.” The point of the food being a presentation over simple feeding. He had to show three times as much in the limited time together. This was just the start of it all with each new presentation planned on being bigger than the last. Smiling widely in satisfaction over the mighty display with no need to hide it. The smile being his common expression in almost any situation already, it would seem no different. The smile twitching at seeing her pass over the food for the bedroom. Questions rising on why she ignored the display.

“not going to eat?” keeping his tone from sounding insulted. How could she ignore such a grand display so carefully arranged by him.

“not yet. I need a real hot shower and a change of clothes. DON'T come into the bathroom.” warning him in her most dead serious tone.

“why?”

“ basic privacy, If you do enter I'll gouge your eyes out with one of the shrimp forks on the table!” she threatened with a slam of the bathroom door.

“hm, should have thought of that. There's a lot more to stab me with here.” he thought with a hum. Being stabbed wasn't deadly, but still not a great feeling to deal with. “as long as I keep her happy I can avoid the issue.” he shrugged off. Ducking slightly to pass through a door way into the bedroom. Looking over everything with judgment at the quality. Especially the bedding that didn't seem nearly as soft as the one he made.

“i can make it better.” already thinking of ways to change the object. Moving on to the attached dining room. “why do humans build everything so small?” he thought over the room sizes.

“can't make that bigger, but I can organize it all to make it seem so.” his calculating paused by Beverly leaving the bathroom. Helped by the warm steam her refreshed scent filled the air around her.

He didn't turn to face her immediately, taking a deep inhale of her scent. Closing his eyes in enjoyment at the flowery scent. Most humans had some sort of scent, but it was always more of a false one. Perfumes that stained the skin or heavy shampoo scrubs that made them smell like a chemical vat.

Beverly let out a breath at finally feeling a pure cleanness on her skin. She bathed in rivers and homeless shelters, but that always involved straight cold to freezing water. Cold water just never felt like it penetrated the dirt enough for her. She loved hot water with just a soap bar for shampoo. Her time on the streets made her a bit more money saving with luxury's. Why buy a bottle of fancy smelling shampoo for six bucks when a plain scentless soap bar was seventy five cents.

She ruffled her hair with a dry towel. Working to get the last bit of water out of all the curls. Finding it dry enough she dropped the towel into a laundry basket by the bathroom doorway. Heading into the dining room with a temporary pause in her steps. The clown standing by the doorway with his back facing her.

“don't you have places to be?” growing tired of his presence being around so much.

“no, nothing more important than being with you.” he replied with a turn to face her. His usual smile plastered on his face.

“ I really don't like this game your trying to pull. … why don't you just eat me and get this whole thing over with.” she glared.

“ ha, that would be counterproductive to the courting.” he joked.

“this is serious! What logic did you get leading up to this plan?! WHY choose me and WHY do you remotely think this plan will work, at all. What kind of joke are you trying to make out of this?!”

“no joke this time. I thought these questions were answered. If you're going to ask the same thing, I will too. you have reasons why I shouldn't?” Leaning down on an arm resting on a countertop followed by a cross of his legs. A feeling that this conversation was going to be long & repetitious.

“obviously in the fight we all had years ago one of us hit you a little too hard in the head. What about the biggest issue, you still eating kids?!” she snapped.

“i haven't eaten one in years … but not by choice.” the first half confident with the last part mumbled in a whisper.

“so you'll eat one if you get the chance to? You didn't think it through on that I wouldn't be very happy about it. That I wouldn't sit by to let it happen.” watching him look off in thought to the side.

Truthfully he hadn't thought that far. He had become far too focused on the challenging thrill of the hunt currently in motion. This pursuing tunnel vision was becoming a recurring weakness with him. One that again had Beverly involved in.

“that's a yes.” she huffed with a hand shoving his chest, having him stand straight again.

“i won't be forgetting that you tried to kill me either!”

“you tried to kill me, we should be even.” shifting his head from side to side with a shrug. Taking in a long breath of air to catch her scent more clearly. Doing so while he could with her standing so close.

“no, no were not even! Not even close!”

“what would make it even? I can get you anything.” he offered.

“nothing! you can't just buy it!” shoving him, body growing a little desperate for air at the exertion. All the talking had kept her body from catching up on the air used. Despite wanting to continue she had to stop the whole interrogation short. Looking away momentarily to take in deep breaths to quickly regain herself to continue. When she turned, ready to speak, she was taken aback as IT had built up a oozing drool in the meantime.

“you're drooling.” was all she could manage to say. Unsure of how she should be feeling now. Was he hungry? Should she be regretting her words of eating her from earlier?

At just realizing he was heavily drooling he flecked out his long forked tongue. Smile dropping with a sweep away of the built up drool in a blink. Her scent had been bringing up a different hunger in him. His mind scolding himself for focusing on it so much. It was a falter in his “normal” composition with poor timing on the currently discussed topics.

“going to eat me?” she asked boldly. A tiredness in her heart wanting it all to end sooner without the games. Facing him in a fight felt far easier to handle than him playing nice.

Her words bounced around in his mind. Drool building up within his mouth at the tempting thought.

Beverly's body tensing with him leaning closer in the slowest manner possible. Her eyes darting around between him, possible weapons and his moving arms. The limbs hovering around both her sides as if preparing to trap her in a encircling embrace of death. invading her personal space with only half a foot separating their faces from one another.

He only wanted a taste.

One lick. One bite. A piercing of her sweet skin.

His jaws clamped tightly shut to hold himself back.

They're eyes locking for what seemed like an eternity. He could read her through them, but she had no way of telling his next move.

She wasn't scared, more prepared for a fight … or death. Body twitching out flinches in preparing itself for pain to hit it. Forcing herself still as not a sense of submissiveness should be shown under his dominating presence. She stood tall, fists tightened, a stare deep into his eyes she held as long as possible before needing to blink.

All of that crumbled away from the answer to her question.

“not how you think.” a grin of sharp teeth stretched across his face. Lines of drool escaping his jaws to fall from his jagged teeth. Bringing his presence back from her personal space, teeth shifting to not be so aggressive. Showing his long twisting tongue with a long drawn out lick of his jaws to sweep up the falling drool. The organ stretching out past a foot long turning from a pinkish red at its tip to a blackening purple toward the back. Sharp looking bristles lining the sides of the darker half, spreading a webbing of drool between each.

This display had Beverly break down from absolute shock. Her mind swearing her heart must have stopped. Maybe she fainted, she wasn't quite sure as the world blacked out around her. Yet, she was still standing when everything came back immediately after. The tenseness in her body washed away to numbness. The world slowing around her until she focused back on him. Not sure what to feel at seeing him stand in front of her with a smirk.

“ I'll leave you for tonight, but I'll return in the morning.” turning away from her with a walk out to the living room. Away from his sight, Beverly let a strong shiver pass throughout her whole body. Hands now shaking off the built up adrenaline rush.

#It (2017)#pennywise #beverly marsh #pennywise x beverly marsh #12 years after movie #beverly still kicks pennywise's ass #between two voids ch 5

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