#but she actually invalidates me a lot and i don't appreciate it and i KNOW i'm annoying about my special interests | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

onlyjaeyun · 3 months

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𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒 – 𝟏𝟖

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍: 𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐲

⤥ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟕.𝟗𝐤

⤥ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐒𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

⤥ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬!𝐀𝐔

⤥ 𝐜𝐰: 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝟑𝐱, 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐨𝐧𝐞 (𝟏) 𝐬𝐥𝐮𝐭, 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 (𝐟.𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠), 𝐬𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐟!𝐝𝐨𝐦, 𝐩𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐤!𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧

⤥ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: 𝐀 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞, 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬. 𝐀 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐲'𝐬 𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐤.

"Sunghoon's gonna kill me", Jay sighs and looks at his reflection in the mirror, his newly dyed dark hair complimenting his sharp features and with the biggest smile on your lips you finish up the side of his taper fade.

"What is he going to do? Hate me for convincing both you and Jaeyun to dye your hair back to black when this is the colour that suits you the best?" You can't help but chuckle at the thought of your least favorite human's reaction to his best friends' new hair colours.

For some reason today feels a lot less mentally challenging than the past few days.

Maybe it's because you spent hours away from your phone and with your favorite person, baking and gossiping over a glass of wine followed by doing her nails and just reminiscing about your time together in Highschool. Tsuki's presence never fails to ease your heart and calm your nerves, no matter how stressed or anxious you are, she always manages to distract you by just being herself.

It's the feeling of home and comfort she's never failed to give you, which you find yourself longing for the most when things get a little bit more difficult than usual.

Tsuki has never judged you, nor has she ever made you feel bad or invalidated in your feelings. Your thoughts and emotions, worries and doubts mean something to her and as she makes you feel cherished and loved, adored and appreciated in ways no man has ever managed to do romantically, you know she'll always be there when your heart needs it the most.

The past eighteen hours were filled with silly jokes, memories, genuine laughter and giggles, the exchange of thoughts and worries as well as absolute silence every now and then.

And as Tsuki started telling you about the few dates she's been on with Heeseung, something you've been suspecting for a while now yet never felt the need to point out because you knew she'd confide in you the moment she feels ready, you couldn't help but feel guilty about keeping so much to yourself, yet the fear of disappointing one of the few people who's always believed in and supported you no matter what is too captivating to even consider. So, with a soft sigh you just listened to her little rambles and giggled along with her when she got a little too excited about her newly found crush and possible soon-to-be-boyfriend.

For a moment you actually found yourself contemplating whether or not you should tell her, only for the heaviness on your chest to make the decision for you.

And as you watch the way she's mindlessly curling her hair, the new make up style you had tried on her, enhancing her beautiful features in the most perfect way possible and you can't believe just how beautiful your best friend is. Fukotomi Tsuki is the type of woman whose beauty and grace is a reflection of her genuinely kind and gentle soul, something she's never failed to inspire you with.

"Hey, Babe I don't mean to rush you but I really need to take a shower because I feel overstimulated so..how long is this going to take?" Jongseong's calm voice pulls you back into reality and with a soft sigh you meet his gaze in the mirror.

"Sorry, I got distracted", you say and reach for the little comb on your make up desk to brush through the thick strands of your best friends frehly cut hair, "all done, big guy."

"Fucking awesome", Jongie mumbles with a huge smile on his face as he gets closer to the mirror and then jumps up on his feet.

The second the young man leaves your apartment, you can't help but throw yourself onto your bed, a row of loud sighs falling past your lips as you crave the taste and effects of alcohol in your system.

"Alright, what's going on?"

The sudden question surpises you and with arched brows you turn your head to look at your best friend, who's just finished her hair and has now turned to face you.

With a soft sigh, you avert your gaze from Tsuki to shut your conscience up, only for your heart to take over and make the decision you've been putting off for as long as possible.

"I fucked Sunghoon", you blurt out and don't even dare to look at her, knowing exactly which specific combination of elotions is grazing her beautiful face as your words make their way into her understanding.

"You're lying", Tsuki chuckles and takes a huge sip from her glads of wine, her fresh set of nails nervously scratching her neck, a habit she's always had and the reason why reading her like an open book has always been so easy for you.

With a sigh of frustration you swallow your tears of anger and self disappointment before finally sitting up and looking at her.

And just as expected you're met with a mixture of disbelief, shock, surprise and genuine confusion.

"You are lying", she giggles again, yet her smile has slowly faded, eyes wide and filled with denial.

"I wish I was", you whisper and tilt your head nack to stop the tears from pricking at the corners of your eyes, since you definitely don't need your mascara to smudge only ten minutes before the beginning of the actual party.

"When?" At this point Tsuki has finally reached a stage of acceptance as she gets up from the little chair, makes her way across the room and right next to you on the bed.

The initial shock and disbelief has now faded and got replaced by genuine concern, something which reminds you just how easily she reads you, too.

"Exactly a month ago, on the night of Seung's birthday", you sigh and feel the knot in your throat coming back at full force, your denial and anger about this particular night finally catching up on you.

The past few weeks you've spent simply trying to forget something has ever happened between you and Sunghoon and no matter how many nights of pleasure you've spent with Fuma or anxious phone calls with Shotaro, this weird feeling of discomfort and shame has never left you.

You have no idea what exactly it is about the fact that you've been intimate with the one man you've hated for as long as you could remember, yet regardless of the reason your body, mind and soul have yet to accept it.

Deep down, in the darkest bits of your heart, you know it's because he hurt you. You know it's because he crushed your soul after you've shown yourself in such a vulnerable state. Subconsciously you're aware that all those nights you've spent crying with a tight chest and heavy heart weren't because of your break up, but because of the things Sunghoon had said to you.

But...you just don't understand why and how his words and actions, his behavior and demeanor have had such an intense imapct on your emotional state. It's not like you care about him in any way, so why has your mind not stopped replaying his exacg words from that night.

The fact he's been quite opena nd honest about wanting you again has definitely not helped your crushed soul and the fear of allowing yourself to get another taste just to satisfy that deep, disgusting hunger in the deepest parts of your mind has consumed you.

After so many conversations about what had happened between the to of you, with the only two people who actually know about it, you've come to the conclusion that maybe you want him to touch you again, but you have yet to figure out why exactly.

You spent the next five minutes catching Tsuki up on what exactly happened, how everything went down and for the first time in weeks, you actually voice out the things Sunghoon had said to you.

Every ounce of enthusiasm and excitement has long disappeared from your best friend's face and instead she's now filled with anger and wrath, disappointment and frustration.

"I'm sorry for not telling you about this earlier", you sigh and start fumbling with the rings on your fingers, your late mother's wedding band firmly placed around one of the digits as it brings you the comfort you've always found in her blurry memory.

"Don't be, babe", Tsuki is quick to reassure you, her voice hentle and calm, the complete opposite to all the dark emotions gleaming in her pretty eyes, "I'm proud of you for talking about it and grateful that you trust me enough to confide in me. I wish we could just ditch the party and have a girls' night."

You nod and reach for her delicate hand, the feeling of her skin underneath your fingertips easing your anxious nerves and with a soft sigh you lift your head to look at her again.

"How about we get drunk now and postpone that girls' night to tomorrow, hm? I really don't want the boys to find out and we both know they'd never let me hear the end of it if I didn't show up."

"Yeah, Seung's been texting me for an hour to hurry up because guests have arrived already", Tsuki replies and gets up, but not walking away before wrapping her arms around your shoulders to pull you into a tight hug, "just please promise me to talk about this in greater detail once you feel ready. This really worries me, baby. I can tell how much it's been effecting you and I can't lie, I knew it wasn't because of Jaemin's stupid ass and this new information changes the whole story."

All you can do is nod yet again, too mentally and physically exhausted to talk as you find comfort in her embrace before the two of you gather your things and finally make your way down the hallway into an apartment you've been skillfully avoiding for the past three months since you've moved.

You've never had a problem with sharing the same close friend circle as Sunghoon, but every now and then you catch yourself wishing they would have just dropped him years ago, knowing every bit of pain and hurt you've been feeling until now could have been avoided if he had only left your life.

You try your best to forget about his existence the way you’ve been doing up until the night of Heesueng’s birthday and every single day afterwards.

It’s not as easy as your brain makes it sound, especially when he’s the first person to meet your gaze as soon as you step foot into his shared apartment with yourbest friend and birthday boy Sim Jaeyun, but for the sake of everyone’s joy and happiness, you decide to just avert your gaze and ignore the burning in the deepest bits of your stomach.

And as you pass him without even granting him another look, Sunghoon finds himself absolutely captivated by your sight. Your outfits have always complimented your beautiful body, but this one felt like an actual death sentence.

The urge to just pull you into his bedroom and finally have his way with you again has slowly become absolutely unbearable and for the first time in his life, his hatred for you is dethroned by something else.

Hunger.

He’s already accepted his weird, twisted fate when it comes to his newfound feelings for you, but his pride and ego have been suffering from this epiphany and after weeks of internal fighting, Sunghoon’s gotten too tired, too exhausted to deny anything anymore.

However, different than he could have ever expected, his desire for you, your body and your touch have also brought along something he hasn’t felt in years: jealousy.

The sight of your university’s golden boy calmly wrapping his arms around your body and whispering something into your ear, even eliciting a genuine chuckle from you leaves the most disgusting feeling on his tongue and the longer he stares at the two of you, the deeper his hatred for you begins to run.

Every time Sunghoon is convinced he can’t physically, mentally and emotionally dislike you even further, you do something with someone right in front of his eyes and his blood starts boiling in ways he’s only ever associated with you.

“Why the fuck are you frowning again?” Jongseong voice makes it through the loud music and the cloud in his brain, finally pulling his attention away from you and Fuma and right back to reality.

“Nothing”, Sunghoon grunts and downs the rest of his cocktail, loving the way the liquid leaves a burning sensation in his throat and finally replaces the weird taste of jealousy coating the muscle of his tongue.

“Why is he in a bad mood again?” Sunoo suddenly appears next to Jongseong, his brows furrowed in confusion as a rosy tint covers the apple of his cheeks, indicating the amount of alcohol in his system.

Sunghonn can’t help but let out a chuckle at the sight of his friends and with a soft sigh, he just shrugs and throws his cup onto the table, knowing there’s really no point in letting these weird emotions get to him, no matter how good you look.

The following three hours are filled with loud music, laughter and a couple of drinking games, which basically ended up into a competition between the hockey and basketball team.

For some reason, you don’t feel agitated or annoyed, but are actually enjoying yourself, despite the fact that you’ve been in such close proximity with Park Sunghoon for so long.

As yourboys have seemed to make it their mission to keep you distracted and very well entertained, you can’t find much time to talk to Fuma or basically anyone else besides your friends, but you wouldn’t want it any other way.

It’s not like he’s your boyfriend and even if the two of you get along well and you’d actually consider him your friend, you’re not really into smalltalk and are quite keen on keeping whatever’s going on between the two of you as lowkey as possible, simply because you don’t want anyone to stick their nose into your business.

The last thing you need is to deal with stupid rumors and random people slutshaming you for being sexually active.

To your luck, Fuma’s been just as casual about the whole situation, something you’re more than just grateful for because no matter how understanding and chill your friends and brothers might be, you know exactly how quickly things can get awkward and after so much fun you’d rather not be the one to sour the mood.

As the night goes on, you notice the way Sunghoon slowly becomes less careful and secretive about his attention, which has remained solely on you for the past three hours. You’re physically unable to deny just how much it pushes your ego, yet every time you catch his gaze roaming your body and basically devouring you alive, you can’t help but hate yourself a little more for enjoying it.

Maybe it’s the fact that he’s turned down every single girl who’s come up to him, shooting him soft glances and the sweetest smiles as Sunghoon’s eyes subconsciously found your each and every single time you came into his field of vision.

Neither one of you has said a single thing and whenever this particular realisation hits you, you remember the things he had whispered into your ear after making you fall apart on his tongue.

“If you told me it took nothing but a good tongue-fuck to keep that big mouth of yours shut I would have done this years ago.”

You hate your brain for replaying those exact words so many times, yet at this point you’re more than just ready to blame it on the alcohol in your blood, casually ignoring the fact that you’re barely tipsy, since you haven’t had the time to drink as much as your tolerance allowed you to.

However, the entirety of your friendgroup has made sure to take over the drinking part for you, as both sets of triplets have definitely gone way over their actual limits, but since there’s no way you could ever be the mean big sister at times like these, you have decided to just sit back and watch the most hilarious scenes unfold right in front of you.

By the time Sunoo had Jongseong have already passed out in each other’s arms, most of the guests have already left, leaving it to be Jaeyun’s closest people only and even though you would have loved to take Fuma up on his offer for a quick round at your place, you’re glad you’ve decided to say your farewell and focus on a good time with your favorite people.

“Are you sure, pretty girl?”, the tall captain smiles and wraps his big hand around your throat, his eyes quickly roaming your surroundings to make sure no one catches a glimpse of his lips finding yours and with a soft hum, you nod yet again.

“Can’t lie”, Fuma sighs and pulls you closer against his strong chest, “I would have loved to fuck you into oblivion tonight because fuck, do you look good.”

It doesn’t take much more than his fingers digging into the soft flesh of your waist for all the memories of a very specific person to find their way back into your head.

You hate how you have to push yourself to look into Fuma’s face at all times, because whenever your eyes fall shut, you catch yourself imaging the one person you promised yourself to never think of again and despite the annoyance and frustration, a wave of guilt usually follows those thoughts and before you can actually enjoy yourself, you’re back to zero.

“Hm, how about this”, you say and start caressing his exposed arms, knowing one of your boys could come around the corner at any given times, yet not sober enough to actually care for once, “I tug all these big guys into bed and make sure they’re taken care of safe and then head over to your place?”

Fuma’s plump lips stretch into a satisfied smile before he lands a gentle spank on the back of your naked thigh, “sounds perfect, angel girl. I’ll give you a call once I’m home and if you’re still up for it, I’ll order you an uber.”

After another rather sloppy kiss, you close the door and let out a soft sigh as the tension finally leaves your body and you feel a wave of exhaustion wash over you.

You’ve never been with someone as attentive and caring as Fuma, despite the fact your relationship is solely physical, he’s made sure to always make you feel desired and taken care of, which is exactly why the guilt feels suffocating whenever you’re around him for too long.

It’s not like you want to think about Sunghoon as much as you do, especially not when you’re being intimate with someone so lovely and kind like Fuma, but your body has made it quite clear to you and no matter how hard you try to deny it, deep down you know there’s only one guy you think about when you’re pushing yourself over the edge.

And as you pass the living room to go to the bathroom in hopes of getting rid of some of the tension in your limbs, you’re instead met with a strong chest and before your brain can even process what’s going on, the familiar scent of Sunghoon’s cologne has long made his presence known.

With your brows furrowed in annoyance, you don’t even bother to lift your head and look up at him, definitely not in the mood to let him ruin the rest of your night when the party went as smoothly as it did, despite his presence.

However, Sunghoon has absolutely no intention of letting you go anywhere anytime soon.

He has absolutely no fucking clue, why he decided to cut your way off or why he forced himself to watch that fucking bastard of a captain touch and kiss what he’s been craving for so long, but after being in denial for as long as he has, Hoon’s come to the conclusion that you’ve driven him into complete insanity.

There’s no logical explanation for his behavior, not even for his train of thoughts or any of the decisions he’s made these past four weeks, so why would there be a point in denying anything anymore?

He wants whatever you’re willing to give him, no matter how desperate he looks in your eyes. Sunghoon doesn’t give a fuck about what you think or feel, so why would he care about your opinion on him? So, what if you think he’s pathetic for wanting to sleep with you again? He’s never been ashamed for wanting what and who he wants and he won’t start just because it’s you, of all people, whom he wants.

“What the fuck do you want?” Just as usual you’re not hesitant to spit your venom, but after so many years, Sunghoon has become immune. Nothing you say fazes him, no matter how hard you try and how badly you want to hurt him, he took that ability away from you the day you had made your decision to betray and humiliate him. He’d never give you the chance to break his soul again, not when you’re the reason he has never allowed anyone close to his heat again.

“It’s so amusing to me how much you’re trying to make things work with that captain”, Sunghoon says and runs a hand through his light hair, his dark eyes never once shifting away from your face, “especially when we both know he won’t ever give you exactly what you need.”

“Oh, and you will? Stop wasting my fucking time, you cunt”, you scoff and roll your eyes, a sight Sunghoon’s been daydreaming about for way too long and with all of your friends completely passed out, he’s determined to grab the chance by its tail and make the best of it.

Neither one of you acknowledges it, not caring enough to give it any thought or weight, yet regardless of the deep hatred you feel, you do know each other good enough and that’s why Sunghoon is more than just sure how aware you are of the realness behind his words.

“Alright”, he suddenly says, thick brows furrowed as he wraps his big hand around your arm and pushes you through the doorstep and right into the center of his own room, leaving you completely shocked, yet not an ounce of fear or panic has entered your body.

Maybe it’s because subconsciously you know he’d never physically hurt you. Not because he somehow cares about you, but because Park Sunghoon would never get physical with someone who doesn’t have the power to fight back.

“You have no reason to lie to me, so be fucking honest”, he presses through gritted teeth, the sight of his anger stricken features sending jolts of arousal through body in just the way you’ve been craving it.

“I don’t owe you shit”, you throw right into his face, ready to storm out again just because you’re not as sure and confident about your own residence anymore as you were just a few minutes ago, “you’re batshit crazy, if you really think I’m gonna let you fuck me again.”

Sunghoon can’t help but smile sheepishly in response to your meek attempt to defeat your own desires. Everything about your behavior and body language gives away just how much you want him, it doesn’t matter if your words claim the opposite.

The way your chest is rapidly rising and falling, your balled fists, the fact you’ve been pressing your thighs together ever since you bumped into his chest and most importantly: your eyes.

A few weeks ago, Hoon would have knocked himself out for ever thinking thoughts like these, but since he’s gotten his first taste of you, he’s realised just how expressive your eyes are. However, he intentionally chooses to ignore the fact this particular realisation had him right in the guts when he watched the pain fill your eyes.

He knows to other people you have a so called “resting bitch face” but everyone who’s ever spend more than a day around you knows just how much of the talking your eyes do for you.

And just as usual, Sunghoon doesn’t need you to say anything because the longing and desire gleaming in the gentle colour surrounding your eyes is what gives him the answers he’s been waiting for all this time.

“Just this once”, Sunghoon sighs and runs both of his hands through his hair, pulling at the roots as he feels the frustration bubbling up in his throat in response to your stubbornness.

“Be fucking honest with me just this once”, you didn’t even realise just how close he’s gotten to you, his body mere inches away from you and before you can actually process it, your back hits the wall, leaving you no choice but to look at him, “has he made you cum? I need to know this, Y/N.”

The sound of your name falling from his lips feels foreign and unfamiliar. You can’t actually remember the last time you had heard him say it, even when talking to mutual friends or coworkers had he refused to take it into his mouth.

And even if you can’t make sense of it, you know that’s the exact reason for your body’s response to his question in form of a simple shake of your head.

“I fucking knew it”, he hisses and plants his hands on both sides of your face as he throws his head back with a loud groan, “I fucking knew I wasn’t the only one going through this fucking hell.”

The cloud of arousal fogging up the rational parts of your brain as well as the sweet scent of his cologne make it quite difficult for you to focus, yet the second you manage to process what he had said, your lips part in shock.

“What – does that mean?”

Sunghoon pulls away from you with a loud scoff and before he gets the chance to turn away, you reach for his face and force him to look into your eyes.

There’s no way you’re going to give him the privilege of looking away again, not when you had promised yourself to never, ever get to this point again. This is the least you owe yourself. Not him or anyone else, but your crushed soul.

“What the fuck does that mean, Sunghoon?”, this time you’re the one to use his name, something you’ve always hated doing, yet subconsciously hoping it’ll have the same effect on him as it had on you.

“Do you really think I want to want you this badly? Do you really fucking think I’m being lie this because I want a quick fuck?”, his voice is cold and distant, something you’re used to and weirdly makes you feel at ease as the arousal has slowly taken over the last bits of your body.

“No matter what I watched, no matter who I fucked or how hard I’ve tried to forget about how good ou felt, I just couldn’t. Not if I wasn’t thinking about you.”

His confession leaves you absolutely speechless.

Despite the wide range in your vocabulary of two languages, you find yourself struggling to come with one to use in response to what he had just admitted and for the first time in exactly a month you don’t actually feel bad for wanting him the way you do.

“Every time the boys talked about you and that fucking captain I almost lost my mind because how the fuck did you just go and let some random wannabe touch you, when I’m right fucking here”, Sunghoon grunts and pushes his body back against yours, the feeling of your soft tits against his strong chest overwhelmingly arousing to the point of it being genuinely embarrassing, but again – he’s lost his mind and he knows it.

“Do you need me to remind you which one of us wanted to act like this never happened, you fucking coward?”, you spit back once the anger mixes into your arousal,your grip around his face tightening, only for Sunghoon to groan in response to the physical pain of your nails digging into his soft skin.

“I fucking know”, he sighs and subconsciously starts humping your bare thigh, the feeling of his hard cock against your skin sending shivers down your spine in the best way possible.

“How the fuck was I supposed to know or even imagine that you, of all people on this god damn earth, would do this to my body?”

“S-Sunghoon”, you whisper as he buries his face in your neck, his big hands finding home on the back of your thighs before he pulls your legs apart to give himself access to your clothed cunt.

You coudn’t have held back the guttural moan following the feeling of his bulge pressing against your sensitive clit even if you had tried to, the arousal too consuming to suppress.

It doesn’t take much for Sunghoon to lose himself in the sweet feeling of your warm pussy firmly pressed against his clothed cock, he’s been thinking and daydreaming about you for too long and although he had accepted his current mental state, he has now decided to blame it on the little bit of alcohol rushing through his veins alongside the dizzying arousal.

“Come on, snowflake”, he grunts and pulls the skins of your neck in between his lips, making sure to leave a huge mark as thoughts of that fucker touching what so obviously was destined for him and him only, “stop denying it. You want me as much as I want you.”

Waves of pleasure and anger, frustration and despair wash over you in a way you’ve never experienced before, but just as usual there’s one particular feeling taking over when it comes to Park Sunghoon.

“I fucking hate you”, you spit and push your hand into his hair, forcefully pulling his face away from your neck, only to be met with the sight of Sunghoon’s hooded, hunger filled gaze.

“Don’t worry”, he suddenly grunts and moves his hand in between your bodies to fumble with the buckle of his belt, “I’m not doing this because I’m so fucking fond of you all of a sudden but fuck, I need to fuck you.”

You let out a soft whimper when his knuckles hit your sensitive clit and with a frustrated sigh you throw your head back because it’s in this particular moment you realise you’re going to let him fuck you again – because you genuinely want him to.

“There we go”, Sunghoon chuckles and wraps his big, ring clad hand around your throat to tilt your head forward and rub his thumb over your bottom lip, “there’s no point in fighting what your body needs, Baby. This isn’t as deep as we’re making it to be. I want to fuck you and you want to fuck me, that’s it. There’s nothing else to this, right, snowflake?”

The use of that stupid nickname sends jolts of anger right in between your legs and without giving it another thought, you part your lips and bite down on the tip of his thumb, only for Sunghoon to pull away with a loud hiss – and a chuckle.

“Bark and bite? What’s wrong, snowflake? Still so mad about that stupid nickname? Silly, silly little ice queen”, he whispers right against your lips, the feeling of his hot breath hitting your heated skin in combination with his hand around your throat leaves you lighthearted, you can’t even get yourself to respond.

“Look at you”, he muses and reaches for the back of your little top, quickly pulling the zipper down and pushing it down to expose your chest to his hungry eyes, “f-fuck, they’re pierced?”

“Who’s the silly one now, you fucking bastard”, you spit and pull your bottom lip between your teeth to hold back your moans as the feeling of his wet tongue circling your sensitive nipple pushes you even deeper into the haze of your pleasure.

At this point you’ve made a mess of your precious lace panties, the ones you had put on with Fuma on your mind, yet can’t actually get yourself to care.

“Mhm”, Sughoon hums and wraps his plump lips around the little nub, his tongue flicking over the tip and reminding you of how that particular motion had managed to make you cum all over his face in actual record time, something you’d never actually mention around him.

“So responsive”, he chuckles, “you’re about to choke on that little ‘I hate you’, snowflake. How does it feel?”

“Shut the fuck up”, you press through gritted teeth, only for your body to betray you as your fingers wrap themselves around his wrist to push his hand down your chest in hopes of him getting what you’re asking for.

“Keep going”, Sunghoon replies casually and pulls away to get rid of the stupid piece of fabric you really dared to call an outfit, leaving you in nothing but your drenched panties.

Usually you’d feel too exposed, too out in the open, insecure and even self conscious, but as you watch the way Sunghoon shamelessly devours you with his eyes only, you can’t stop your ego from actually reaching the moon.

“I like hearing how much you hate me because this sweet little pussy surely doesn’t feel the same”, he whispers into your ear as he pushes his hand into your panties, not even hesitating to push one of his long fingers into your needy cunt.

“Fuck, just as tight and warm as I remember”, his voice suddenly breaks at the of his sentence when you clench around the single digit, making the usually so cocky coach choke on his words.

“Yeah, don’t smile like that, snowflake, you’ve got me good. I won’t deny it anymore”, Sunghoon sounds just as arrogant as usual, but the way he looks at you with so much desire and want shimmering in the usually so cold brown of his eyes doesn’t match the tone of his voice.

All of a sudden you realise just how long you’ve been looking at him and before anything but pleasure can take over your foggy brain, you decide to reach in between your bodies and stroke his cock through the thin layer of his boxer briefs.

“Oh, fuck”, Sunghoon suddenly moans and quickly buries his face in your chest, knowing he won’t be bale to hold himself back any longer, but too proud to show even more of his hunger for you and your touch.

He wants you to know how much he craves your body because it’s the only way for him to get what he wants, but his pride would never allow him to let you see too much.

“Do you have condoms? Please, tell me you do”, you swallow your moans and try to focus on the way he’s gently humping his finger into your tight hole, the need to finally feel full and actually cum without having to imagine anything overwhelming your senses.

“I wanna eat your pussy first”, Sunghoon blurts out and looks at you with flushed cheeks and swollen lips, the sight so delicious, you hate him for it.

“Yeah?” You reply and push your lips into a faux pout, nodding along when he confirms your question, only for you to let out a high pitched chuckle.

“You’re so desperate, pretty face, what happened to that cocky attitude? Is that all it takes? Good pussy shuts you the fuck up, is that the truth?”

It takes Sunghoon a whole minute to realise that you’re mocking him and as soon as he does, he snaps back to reality and rolls his eyes, still not caring enough.

“Answer me”, you demand and tighten your grip around his cock,your other hand pulling his out of your panties, “cat got your tongue, pretty face? What’s wrong?”

Your new nickname for him sends his brain into overdrive, and as if the sound of your sweet voice drenched in mockery wasn’t enough, you force Sunghoon to look right into your eyes.

“Yes, fuck”, he grunts and shamelessly thrusts his cock into your fist, his eyes rolling into the back of his head before he quickly pushes his fingers into his mouth, lapping up every drop of your sweet cunt like a starved man.

“There we go”, you imitate his reaction with a devilish grin on your face, “but not tonight, pretty face. I need you to be good and fuck me before someone notices that we’ve been gone.”

“Fucking b–”, however, you’re quick to cut him off, knowing you won’t let him disrespect you, no matter how badly you want him.

“Nuh uh”, you say and grab his face again, “stop fucking with my patience and do what you’ve been begging for.”

Sunghoon is too close to even think about talking back and he hates you, the universe, fate and whatever is responsible for his body’s reactions to your touch for putting him into this situation.

“Fine. Turn around.”

As you start shaking your head in response to his demand, Sunghoon can’t help but furrow his brows in confusion.

“Man the fuck up and look at me when you fuck me”, you hiss and push your panties down your thighs, a pain you’ve found comfort in suddenly filling your chest, pulling you away from the pleasure you’ve been deprived from for way too long.

Why does your brain have to work this way? Why can’t you just enjoy the pleasure? Why does this always have to be some kind of mental and emotional torture?

“Won’t have to tell me twice, snowflake”, Sunghoon simply replies and pull away from your body before he gets rid of his dark jeans and boxer briefs, finally revealing the cock you’ve been daydreaming in denial for so long, “get on the bed, spread those legs for me. I’m gonna fuck that attitude out of your little pussy.”

His words, yet again, leave you completely stunned but your body reacts way quicker than your mind as you find yourself approaching his bed and doing as you’re told without a verbal response.

For some reason the following few minutes are filled with nothing, not a single word, but heavy breathing and the suffocating tension of your pleasure and arousal lingering in the air.

You attentively watch the way Sunghoon rips open the condom wrapper before he gives himself a few good strokes and then rolls it over his annoyingly pretty cock.

Not nice in your life have you used the word ‘pretty’ to describe male genitalia but there’s no point in denying just how well it fits when it comes to Park Sunghoon.

It’s thick and long, slightly curved at the tip, veiny just like his arms and just a few shades darker than the rest of his body, the tip thick and dripping in precum. There’s absolutely no point in him having such a beautiful face and cock, absolutely none.

“I’ll send you a picture when you’re home, that’ll last longer”, Sunghoon deadpans and if it wasn’t or the actual pain you’re currently in from how much your cunt’s been clenching around nothing, you would have given him a piece of your mind.

But Sunghoon doesn’t seem to care about your lack of a sassy response as he pushes yur legs further apart and reveals your dripping cunt to his needy eyes. He wants to curse you out for taking away getting another taste but he knows this won’t be the last time, so without giving himself enough time to get more frustrated, he simply starts rubbing the length of his wrapped cock over your slick folds.

“Oh, fuck”, a row of deep moans falls past his lips and before he can realise what his body is doing he catches himself burying his face in your neck for the nth time already, “I’m going to cover your mouth, so tap my arm if you can’t breathe. We don’t want anyone to hear how good I’m fucking this sweet pussy, right, snowflake?”

“Cocky bastard”, is the only thing you say as you nod and quickly choke on one of your high pitched moans when Sunghoon suddenly pushes the tip of his cock into your tight cunt.

“Oh, my fucking God”, you breathe, your nails digging into his broad back as your eyes roll into the back of your head, “more, please. I need more.”

“Give me a fucking minute”, Sunghoon groans, his eyes firmly shut in hopes of stopping himself from cumming too fast because of how good you look with only his tip inside of you, “f-fuck, snowflake…”

For the first time in what feels like ever, the nickname isn’t drenched in derogatory or mockery, it’s nothing but raw pleasure and you can’t deny how good it actually sounds, especially coming from Sunghoon whose voice has dropped a whole octave within just a few seconds.

You find mental satisfaction in the fact that this is effecting him just as much as you.

“Tell me if it’s too much”, he whispers against your lips, his nose nudging yours and for a moment you actually reciprocate his motion, only to turn your head to the side once you realise.

To your luck, Sunghoon doesn’t give it too much thought and once you node, he slowly starts pushing the entirety of his length into your sensitive cunt. The stretch leaves you lightheaded, your moans and whimpers muffled by his hand, leaving his own noises to be the only thing to fill the silence of his room.

It doesn’t take much for him to bottom out, the wetness of your cunt enough lubrication to have you focus on the sweet feeling of being filled just how you’ve been craving it.

Sunghoon gives you a few moments to adjust to his impressive size, his head thrown back as he avoids your gaze because he knows he’s going to cum on the spot if he looks into your stupidly expressive eyes for too long.

To say that your former ice skating partner knows exactly how to use his cock would be an understatement. Park Sunghoon definitely has a reason to be as confident about his skills as he is because that God damn fucker really knows how to fuck.

His thrusts are deep and firm, not too fast or too hard for it to hurt, yet still precise enough to hit just the right spots and with every single movement of his hips, you feel the tip of his cock graze the entrance to your womb in a way you’ve only ever experienced with him.

Moans, profanities, high pitched whimpers, the sound of skin meeting skin and the wetness of your cunt meet in the heavy air of the room, each noise pushing the both of you deeper into a sweet cloud of pleasure and you can’t believe how easy it is for your body to respond to his touches.

“F-fuck”, he suddenly grunts and pushes his hand in between your bodies his thumb easily finding your clit and applying just the right amount of pleasure, “I can feel how close you are. Come on now, Baby, show me how much you hate me. Cum all over my cock like the needy little slut you are.”

Maybe it’s the tiniest bits of gentleness wavering in his usually so cold voice, yet you feel yourself getting closer with each and every word falling past his bit swollen lips.

“I can’t hold back any longer, snowflake”, Sunghoon warns and picks up the pace of his thrusts as well as his thumb on your clit, drawing firm circles into the hardened nub and pushing you closer and closer to your sweet relief.

And as the first wave of your orgasm comes crashing down on you, you let out row of loud moans of his name, only for Sunghoon to suddenly pull his hand away and push his lips against yours, passionately swallowing every single one of your noises.

The moment his tongue grazes over yours, the coil in your lower stomach finally snaps, setting your whole body on fire as you start drowning in the sweet taste of your enemy and the feeling of actual relief.

It doesn’t take Sunghoon much to follow you, his deep grunts sending vibrations right down your throat as he cums inside the condom in three thick spurts.

Just like last time there’s nothing but heavy breathing filling the silence but unlike then, you actually don’t feel disgusting or used.

Neither one of you even gets the chance to overthink the kiss or anything you’ve just said as a sudden noise from the other side of the door leaves you both in shock.

“Fuck”, you whisper and take a deep breath, only for Sunghoon to stop you.

“It’s okay”, he says way too calm and somehow sounding confused, “I’ll take care of them. Let me get you a towel and you can use my bathroom if you need to. DOes anything hurt?”

For the nth time tonight, you’re shocked by his words.

You never expected him to provide you with any sort of empathy or care, not after he had managed to shatter your soul with his coldness the last time.

“Thanks”, you whisper and hate how yet again, tears start pricking at the corners of your eyes.

"Take your time. They’re all wasted, even Tsuki. I’ll make sure to tug the triplets to bed and send both Jay and Seung home. Should I let Tsuki sleep over?”

Sunghoon doesn’t look at you as he pulls his now soft cock out of your sensitive cunt, the sight so pretty, he can’t help but wish to imprint it into his memories forever.

What the fuck is he thinking?

Yeah, he’s definitely lost his mind.

“I’ll take care of her, thanks”, you reply calmly and sit up, only to watch Sunghoon walk over to the other side of his room and carefully collect your clothes from the floor.

“Don’t read anything into this but you’re heading home anyway and nobody gives a fuck so just – wear one of my shirts”, he says and pulls one of his black shirts out of a random drawer, carefully handing it all to you before he puts on a pair of sweats, yet doesn’t bother with a shirt himself.

And as you watch Sunghoon run a hand through his hair and wipe away the remains of your lipstick on his lips, you can’t help but wonder if what you’ve just done really is as bad as your brain makes it to be or if maybe this might become way more beneficial to you than you could have ever expected.

Either way, you know this wasn’t the last time and no matter how badly you want to hate the actual act of it, you simply can’t.

And that’s okay.

← 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 — 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 — 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 →

(A/N: and there she is! thank you guys so so so much for all tve love, patience and support. i truly appreciate you all and genuinely hope you enjoyed this one. it’s not as kinky as the first time but hey they kissed!!! and hoonie was a decent human for once lets goo!! feedback and reblogs are always appreciated babies!)

TAGLIST: @soonigiri @en-happiness @lhsvibez @dammit-jjk @heerinnie @primroselover @jungwon-xo @szkstay @lostwonderwall @hoonieluv @certifiedmoa @doodlelibrary @ikeuizm @kpoprhia @sleeping-demons @jongszn @imtoanonymousforyou @lalalovejay @ineedsomezzz @xrr-s4sha @ariadores @viagumi @electrobutterfly @mimikittysblog @blurryriki @heelcvr @wonkifangirl @joonzseoulmate @kwiwin @hoondiors @seuomo @zerasari @love-you-twice @aloverga @marz-mars @velvtcherie @niniissus @abrazosolorcereza @ddazed-lhs @acphengene @skz-streamer @kshoshi @tya0 @yizhoutv @jebetwo @myheelody @seokgyuu @blockbusterhee @l0vee-l3tters @luvkpopp

#enhypen social media au #enhypen smau #enhypen sm au #enhypen x female reader #enhypen x reader #enhypen smut #enhypen writers #park sunghoon x female reader #park sunghoon smau #park sunghoon social media au #park sunghoon angst #park sunghoon fluff #park sunghoon x reader

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dyemelikeasunset · 5 months

Text

I can't sleep so I'm venting. for the most part i love my d&m readers, but oml sometimes i get qpoc blues so bad 😭😭

It's just liiiike. ppl either don't talk about Mor or completely misinterpret her personality. Like I can always tell if my readers are black or not because nonblack readers no NOT see Mor's significance, or just miss the mark when they talk about her, or they misread her personality. Like I don't understand what's so hard to understand about a cute and thoughtful artist??

AND LIKE LMAO Dom's sexuality gets brought up all the time but no one talks about Mor being a lesbian and how rare that is to find in media 😭 white lesbians are always talking about "we need more open lesbians in media!! ppl shouldn't be afraid to use the word lesbian!! blah blah" and i'm like "here you go!!" and no one claps at all lmao. Like I get it, i know why it happens, i understand racial microaggressions, i know how fandom spaces treat Black women, I UNDERSTAND BUT I CAN STILL BE UPSET. I have the right to be upset about it!!! 💀💀 And I know fem lesbians get ignored all the time, invalidated all the time, but it just sucks to see it happen to my character. I just feel like her being lesbian doesn't clock a lot of people, and I get asked to do more thirst trap art of Mor and I do want to but i'm also trying to be careful about like. Idk reducing a dark skinned fem lesbian to being validated only thru being sexy? LMAO.... Mor should be able to be attractive and lovable without tons and tons of thirst trap art (and it's not like I don't do it at all!! I'm not trying to be overprotective or deny her sexiness but I guess it's considered not enough?? give me a break)

And mannnn I was so mad actually that several comments voiced thoughts that essentially said Mor didn't "help" or "take care" of Dom enough, and that when Dom was finally opening up to her it was "Morgan finally doing something" LIKE HELLO??? HELLO??? It's DOM'S flaw that she can't open up? And Morgan does a lot??? I know immature ppl do not appreciate more soft and domestic/feminine forms of care bc they're used to taking their mothers for granted lmao but wooow I was taken aback. First of all, like, I try to show that Mor is the main cook, works just as much as Dom (let's go double income household), is always checking in on Dom's comfort as she navigates being queer, and is overall a very considerate girlfriend. AND SECOND OF ALL LMAO like even if she didn't do all that she doesn't need to have relationship currency to have a doting girlfriend, like the fucking trope of black women needing to suffer for love is so terrible I'VE HAD ENOUGH AND i"M NOT EVEN BLACK. Like there is NOTHING WRONG with their typical dynamic and I'm sick of people acting like there is. SOMEONE SAID DOM WAS LIKE A COMFORT PILLOW W NO AGENCY AND i"M LIKE WTFDYM???? She has TONS of agency and her sense of agency says she wants to LOVE AND DOTE ON HER PARTNER LIKE LMAO. WHAT?? Why is that hard to understand??? Is it because I made one (1) joke bout Mor being a pillow princess and the anti-princess squad are grinding their teeth in the bushes seething over it? Ppl are so twisted sometimes oh my goddddd. Like as an ace who was very confused navigating the lesbian dating scene as a teen and young adult I WISH i had met a pillow princess. Sometimes ppl don't realize that stone dynamics are very safe for aces!! Dom literally says she prefers it!! It's not Mor being selfish like lord please GOD ALLAH I'M TIRED I'M SO TIRED

and like on the topic of Domi overall she is more "popular" but sometimes I feel like people don't even really take the time to appreciate the significance about her either. She's not just a funny thirst trap 😭 and I feel like ppl dont acknowledge that she's asian half the time. I have so many white aces who only zone in on that aspect of her and it's like YEAH I GET IT, I'm ace and we don't have a lot of nuanced rep but she's also got more layers than that too. Tons of people related to her in the chapters where she talks about her childhood abuse yet very few people really, like, talked about the type of generational trauma that is very deeply embedded in her different cultures, no one saw that and oooof idk idk it felt inivisible. It's sometimes harder to talk about the racist microaggressions that Domi experiences thru my readers bc ppl will argue "well most webtoon leads are asian" but not many of them are asian in a way that like. talk about it. I'm born in the US so my experiences with being othered as an asian is just gonna be different and it's gonna affect my art and writing but it feels so unappreciated. I've had some queer asians relate to her but i can count them on my hand 💀 (I actually think it's two LMAO i"M SO SAD)

And going back to Dom and the comfort pillow w no agency comment lmao. This is another thing that rubs me the wrong way is once again, people are ignorant to the ways asians get pigeon-holed to media roles that have us being depicted as incapable. Maybe I want Dom to be more of a protector archetype bc I'm tired of meek Asian women in media? 🤔 Maybe I want Dom to be a prince-like character because asians get emasculated a lot?? 🤔🤔 Maybe I want Domi to maintain her prince persona instead of being "'physically' androgynous/masculine but really soft and girly on the inside uwuwu please treat me like a 'real' girl" because even in east asian media we won't allow women to exhibit strength and dependability??? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 Like why is a tough girl empowering but once we have a gentle and doting personality in a romance it's considered cliche and the flaw of her partner for being "too weak." MAYBE THEIR PRINCE/PRINCESS DYNAMIC COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER??? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED? I WROTE THEM THAT WAY FOR A REASON??

Good lord this turned into an essay but I have so many things on my mind always

if you read this all. Thanks. I mainly needed to scream into a towel and put this down somewhere bc I complain about these issues to my discord and they understand/validate me all the time, but I wanna give them a break 😭 I also lowkey wanna document my various feelings as I work through Dom & Mor so I can remember and also grow from it

#text heavy /#long post /#i am full of gratitude but also anger

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spigosaur · 5 months

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VERY new to the Hatchetfield-verse. NPMD was the first ever Starkid musical I’ve seen so I’m trying to learn about the rest of the series

Uhhh lemme see- Headcanons…

Richie having an Asuna body pillow makes me think he’d quote the SAO abridged series. “Take the worst thing you can think of and multiply that by cancer” is something Peter and Ruth hear a lot

Ruth is actually well liked in the theatre program. The actors appreciate all she does and invite her to cast parties. Only reason she’s never gone is cause she thinks it’s some kind of prank (projecting as a former theatre kid—)

Stephanie would be into fanfiction culture. She just has the vibes/pos

Grace described Judas’ betrayal to Ruth and Stephanie once and they described it as “Toxic Yaoi”. She doesn’t tell them Bible lore anymore—

Heyoh!

I'm also kinda new to the fandom. I've watched tgwdlm and Black Friday a few years ago, but I didn't find out about nmt and never interacted with the fandom before npmd. But either way, welcome to hatchetfield and thanks for sending your headcanons!

I don't know if that's what you're referring to but in the show Richie only mentions his body pillows of Rei and Asuka (from Neon Genesis Evangelion) but I don't think that invalidates your hc at all! That obnoxious little disaster of a boy is constantly making references to the weebiest shit and when people don't understand him he calls them uncultured. (Ruth and Pete understand so many anime references because of him without ever having seen any of the media they're from)

Your Ruth hc makes me sad because it makes me think that she's been pranked in that way before and now she doesn't trust anyone who "pretends" to like her anymore :c

Steph I 100% agree with. She has that certain something, the alt style, she's totally a fandom girl. Although most people, even among her friends, don't know that about her. She probably has a tumblr nobody knows about where she yells about her obsessions but irl she never shows that side of herself until she starts hanging out with the nerdy prudes. Seeing them shamelessly gushing over their interests encourages her to let out her inner nerd too. When she eventually starts sharing her fanfics with the others, they're very supportive.

I don't think Grace would know what "toxic yaoi" means so now I'm imagining her being quite happy that her friends reacted so positively to a bible story just for her to look up what that means and. Yes I see why she wouldn't talk to them about bible lore anymore...

#hatchetfield #hatchetverse #starkid #team starkid #npmd #nerdy prudes must die

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gemapples · 11 months

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Rant away my friend

apparently a few people wanted me to vent about the kirby novels so head in hands ig i'm gonna go for it LMAO (this is inspired directly from @desultory-novice 's posts about it)

ALSO IM SORRY IF THIS IS SO DISORGANIZED gonna be honest i forgot a good half of what i wanted to talk about. But Anyways. please note that all of this is entirely My opinion you ofc dont need to agree and despite everything i actually really love and enjoy the kirby novels a lot !!

so okay after hearing her talk about the reason we're likely not getting a magolor epilogue novel and knowing takase's erm.... Infamous reputation regarding how she handles magolor's character that had me thinking a lot and. Wow i'm kind of Really nervous for how this magoland novel will turn out actually because a lot is kind of at stake here when you think about it

takase will either be forced to actually develop magolor's character, or she will just completely scrap everything that happened earlier, remove any mentions of the epilogue and go straight back to square 1 where magolor is -- once again -- the villain of the story. Don't get me wrong i like evil magolor a lot lol i think if done right it can be a very enjoyable portrayal of his character. but there's only So many times you can make a character the antagonist before it just gets straight up exhausting y'know

i think it's ESPECIALLY different in terms of magoland. This might be a cold take idk lmao but merry magoland isn't just some wacky little theme park magolor created out of the blue for no reason. It's something that signifies and sets in stone how he's a changed character. Merry magoland is magolor's dream he's had for a really long time by his own words and truly shows that all he's wanted to do is make people have fun and be happy. if you make him the antagonist in that, that completely just fucks up Everything relating to his character and renders that entire development null and also invalidates all the hardships he's gone through to make that happen

i do think takase's portrayal of magolor is fun! i do enjoy it and i do appreciate how he has a hard time communicating his desires and showing true friendship. i think that's important. one of magolor's most significant flaws is how he has a hard time understanding how friendship is supposed to work and what to do when you have friends. but maybe instead of making him the villain. Over and over and over again you could idk... have him Learn?? and actually Develop from his issues??? i know waddle dee is a completely separate character but for the sake of comparing to another person who has gone through a huge amount of development in the novels -- why can't magolor do the same? why is it constantly so insistent that he be the one causing all the problems for no reason other than haha it's funny (in most cases at least. i know dreamy gear was different and i will give it a giant shoutout for that)

i'm so sorry if i sound too harsh here i literally don't know how to word it otherwise lol i think it's important to emphasize that despite everything i do like seeing magolor's character in the novels. but it just gets to a point where it's Grating to me at times and depending on the scenario is just completely inaccurate. that's why i think magoland is such a huge point for us here with a lot on the line -- if she chooses to not make magolor the antagonist and make it accurate to the game's actions and desires, that will be an essential key for his development and showcase that we're actually making progress with his character. but if she chooses to make him the antagonist again, the potential for him being something more than a villain -- which is RIGHT there -- is completely wiped

afaik magolor and kirby's friendship was also mentioned and i just want to throw out there. merry magoland happened because of kirby. merry magoland happened because of magolor's friends. kirby, meta knight, dedede and bandee are the reason merry magoland exists. so if takase chooses to not acknowledge any mention of that and make magolor go against them all, that also erases the potential of magolor's relationship with other characters as well yknow... the characters he's gone against for this whole time? it also makes no sense whatsoever??

so yeah this is a bit long but there's just a lot to either look forward to or dread about this novel -- or even both lmao -- the more i thought about it. i want to have a decent amount of hope that i could be wrong here, maybe takase will take advantage of what she has to work with game wise and create something truly special. but throughout all of magolor's appearances in the novels... *hand on mirror* it seems like all of his character is constantly scrapped in favor of treating him like some apathetic irredeemable character with no regard for others or understanding friendship. so that's kind of a hard pill to swallow

#ask

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luthwhore · 10 months

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Lena was a prominent figure in the comic, Superwoman. I think Lana was Superwoman in it. I was wondering if you’ve read it and what was your thoughts on it? Specifically the character, Lena

The few things I know about her is she’s a wheelchair user and one of the few people Lex Luther calls his equal, True Equal (not really sure about this one fact). It would also be appreciated if u could refer to a post talking about her in the lens of a disabled person, I’m (kinda?) sure there was one and i didn’t reblog it

Sure! So, I referenced by dislike for the Superwoman (2016) comic in my Lex comic rec list, but I haven't really gone into it on its own before, mostly because at the time I was reading it I was still getting into comics and hadn't really started doing a lot of liveblogging or commentary at the time.

I also want to preface my feelings on the ableism around Lena, both in this comic and in general, by saying that I am not physically disabled myself. I have several close friends who are, including a roommate who is an ambulatory wheelchair user, so disability representation is something that I try to be very aware of, but I am not of any kind an authority on disability issues.

Also, I'm talking about this arc mostly from a Doyleist perspective -- i.e., focusing less on the culpability of the individual characters and whether I think their choices are understandable or justified and more on the choices made by the real people writing the arcs. This is not a condemnation of Lena's actions; this is a criticism of the writing choices made around her.

Putting this under a cut because I realized this is getting very long.

For a bit of backstory, Lena had been ill as a child -- with what, it's never specified, but the implication is that it was something chronic -- and that in an effort to "cure" her when he was a teenager, Lex had inadvertently paralyzed her.

This is actually something that was introduced by Geoff Johns' during Forever Evil, and other than the kind of dehumanizing language of calling her an "invalid" (which will be a recurring thing), I don't hate it. Lex does clearly see his inability to cure her as a failure, but it presents him coming to terms with it and realizing that he wants to rekindle his relationship with Lena, presumably for the first time in many, many years.

I don't have a major issue with this writing choice, because prior to Forever Evil, n52 hadn't really broken much with the unambiguously evil version of Lex that had been presented since Crisis on Infinite Earths, so the idea that he had neglected Lena out of shame that he couldn't "cure" her doesn't seem terribly out of place, and it presents a nice moment of character growth for him.

Justice League (2012), also written by Geoff Johns, is the first time we actually see Lena. When we see her here, she's shown in a wheelchair, and sees to be working for Lexcorp.

You get the sense that in spite of genuinely loving Lena, Lex has a tendency to be far too over-protective of her, often keeping her in the dark about things, which is a dimension to their relationship I really like! Geoff Johns is known for taking inspiration from Smallville in a lot of his Superman comics -- there are a LOT of nods to the show when he writes Kon -- and this, to me, feels very much like Smallville-inspired characterization.

One thing that DC does, that tracks across Geoff Johns, Dan Jurgens, and Phil Jimenez's writing of Lex and Lena, is really, really focus on "curing" Lena. In spite of what he says to her at the end of Forever Evil, he still ultimately sees her disability as his fault, and therefore, sees her as something to be fixed.

You can definitely put this off as a character flaw of Lex's, and I'm definitely not arguing that it's not in character for Lex to want to do so -- but it IS worth noting that this arc was happening at the same time that DC was leaning hard into erasing Barbara Gordon's disability as well, so this not an isolated incident of DC treating disabled characters like they need to be "cured".

For context: Barbara Gordon was the first Batgirl, and after being paralyzed by the Joker, then took on the identity of Oracle and ran The Birds of Prey. However, after around two decades of her acting as Oracle and being established as a hero completely separate from Batman, DC aged her down, erased her disability, and relaunched her as Batgirl with the start of the n52. (Recent years have tried to walk this back a little, but there was almost a decade of her being written as having miraculously healed from her disability.)

(It also does make me think a little of the "Lexmas" episode of Smallville, where Lionel is willing to put Lex through a surgical with a very low survival rate rather than accept the prospect of his losing the use of his legs. This isn't relevant per se, but I do think it's an interesting similarity.)

Toward the end of Justice League (2012), there is a scene in which Lena, while in possession of a Motherbox, pulls a gun on Lex and tries to kill him, and it's left unclear whether she was being influenced by the Motherbox or acting of her own accord. This is technically the start of the arc that gets picked up in Superwoman (2016).

Afterward, she ends up in a coma from her use of the Motherbox, with Lex once again swearing to find a way to heal her.

We also get a really touching scene of Lex talking to Lena at her bedside and admitting that part of the reason he has decided to be a hero now is that he wants to make her proud, and he knows she wouldn't approve of his past actions. This feels in line with the characterization established in Forever Evil; Lena is Lex's only family, and she's the only person in his life he can earnestly say he loves.

So, this is where we are at the start of Superwoman (2016). Lex and Lena have recently reconnected, and Lex is trying to be a better person in large part because of his love for Lena. Lena tried to kill him, which Lex believes was due to the influence of the Motherbox, and Lena is put into a coma.

It does seem like Geoff Johns was setting up Lena to become a villain during Justice League, or at least the potential for it, which I have... kind of mixed feelings about. On the one hand, I do think there is an interesting tension there, because Lex kind of expects to just pick up his relationship with Lena where they left off, and I think using her as an antagonist for him could have been interesting. On the other hand, with how the previous several arcs had set up Lena as the entire reason for Lex's redemption arc, it seems like an odd choice?

However... that's not quite what they do. While getting revenge on her brother is clearly a priority for her in Superwoman, she also... just kind of wants to take over/destroy Metropolis? For reasons?

In Superwoman (2016), we find out that Lex had tried to heal her by experimenting on her, and that when the experiment didn't immediately work, Lex abandoned her. (I personally find that really out of character, given what we were shown about their relationship prior.)

And we are once again treated to a character in a wheelchair being cured of her disability. This time, specifically as part of a villain arc. Which is... a choice, I guess. If they were going to use her as an antagonist, I really wish they would have done so without erasing her disability, but that's DC for you.

I also feel like a lot of her emotional complexity is stripped out in favor of making her like... a #girlboss villain, which is pretty par for the course for something that came out in 2016. The characterization here just... doesn't feel congruous with the Lena we were shown before.

I personally think, whether they wanted to use Lena as a hero or an antagonist, it would have made for a much more empowering arc not to heal her of her physical disability and instead have her seek to prove to Lex that her disability isn't something that needs to be "fixed" and that she's still fully capable of operating on his level with or without the use of her legs.

I also think the choice to use her as a villain who just wants to take over Metropolis (ig as a way to prove that she's better than Lex? by succeeding at something he failed at?) was a mistake, because one of the core conflicts with Lex and Lena in Justice League (2012) was that... Lena disapproved of a lot of Lex's actions?

The message in the comic re: Lena's disability also just feels. Really muddled? Like. It almost says something important here -- the "I knew my body meant nothing to you if it wasn't a perfect reflection of your fantasies of what it should be, but it was mine" line is good!

I think in better hands, it could have been a really powerful story about Lena's bodily autonomy, and how no matter Lex's intentions, he was still ultimately making choices that should have been hers, to make, but it just got buried in the mess of her being a generic scenery chewing supervillain, and I think that message would have hit a lot harder if they hadn't "healed" her, and if they had focused more on giving Lex and Lena and emotional arc instead of just... having her do a bunch of villain monologuing before having Lex defeat her.

Anyway I hope the "Ultrawoman" arc gets retconned out at some point because this really felt like a waste of potential for Lena and I think she deserved better than just getting turned into a supervillain before being written out of the canon.

#briar answers #lex luthor #lena luthor #comics meta #lex meta #anon i spent like four hours rereading bits and pieces of these comics and trying to organize my feelings #thank you for letting me ramble 🙏#this is so long and i suspect VERY few people will care enough to read it #my meta

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measuringbliss · 8 months

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Tomb of Dracula Read-Through 1 (#1-4)

He's so fucking hot.

MASTERPOST

So the protagonist's named Frank Drake, and is actually a descendant of Dracula's, which is a shame because he's handsome and I was fully ready to ship them.

Turns out Frank's inherited a certain castle in Transylvania. He has no money, and so wishes to sell it. But to sell it, he has to first see the actual estate, doesn't he...

The art is absolutely gorgeous, naturally. And something interesting occurs...

Reading old comic books, you might be tempted to think that the bright colors are an artistic exaggeration of the true aspects of the world, but the text box clearly indicates that the light is yellow.

So Frank's love rival, Clifton, who's here with Frank and his love interest, discovers Dracula's tomb and removes the stake he has through the heart. And that's how Dracula comes back.

Dracula's already a horny little goblin and aggressively heterosexual because as soon as he gets Clifton out of the way, he notices there's a woman in his estate. OoOoh! He quickly hypnotizes her to come to him after a marvelously theatrical entrance, but Frank has no chill and SMACKS DOWN the lady.

By the way, she has a really great outfit. I still don't know/remember her name, though.

Frank escapes with Jeanie thanks to a silver compact he inherited that supposedly protects them from Dracula, and he thinks Clifton is dead, but I seriously doubt that.

Dracula still needs to eat though, and he quickly finds a prey in the village. When she's found, the village is riled up and the artist gives excellent panels:

Back at the castle, Frank and his lady trap the Count, they have a heart-to-heart where Dracula says Frank will eventually fall to the same curse (Hmm, I'd be curious to see that) and Frank proves he definitely has anger issues:

I'm loving this trend of him smacking everybody down, it's almost a jumpscare and is absolutely delightful. It doesn't work though, and Frank gets beaten up. The lady wakes up and Dracula exclaims that they're alone at last!

The absolute madness of the two expressions in the middle, and the great last panel... truly marvelous.

The villagers put the castle on fire, which is a shame both for me (who loves a nice castle) and for Frank, who wanted to sell it. Oops.

Frank leaves the castle, Jeanie in his arms. AND THEN THE FINAL PANELS SHOOK ME SEVERAL TIMES.

Oh this is great drama. This is awesome. Incredible.

In the second issue, Frank comes back to the castle to seek revenge... and instead, he finds Clifton, who's well and alive! I predicted it!!!

Meanwhile, Dracula seeks his manservant again.

The heterosexuality has already ended. Thank the Count.

Sadly, Carl's not been a very good boy. Still, we get a gay panel.

Frank informs us that not only is he moving Dracula's coffin to London, but he successfully sold his castle and surrounding land.

He later strips for us and finds Jeanie in his room.

Clifton is also there by the way, and he thinks she's still human. But no, Frank quickly invalidates my theory that he's dreaming and uses his crucifix to make Jeanie go away. Dracula observes the scene from afar and thinks that it's only a matter of time.

By the way, I've been reading all this listening to the Buffy, the Vampire Slayer score. Not intentional, but definitely à propos.

Dracula gets in an altercation at a London bar and stays absolutely polite and distinguished in his way of speaking, I love it.

I also love that textbox, it's very relatable as a gay gentleman myself.

There's a lot of great stuff on this page. The Big Ben panel, Clifton's wide-opened shirt (dear artist, this is not equivalent to the wonderful bosom and sultriness of Jean but I appreciate the attempt), the angles...

Clifton notices however that Jean doesn't appear in the mirror and Frank was telling the truth. He then proceeds to prove that he's an absolute dumbass by thinking "Whatevs, at least she'll be mine" which, to be fair, I understand. Still, drugging Frank and freeing Jean maybe wasn't the brightest idea he's had.

While they search for the coffin and Jean's about to bite Clifton, Frank wakes up and does what Frank does best:

He never disappoints!

Frank gets his shit wrecked by Dracula, but he barely manages to stake Jean before she bites Clifton. The sunlight is there just in time to burn Jean in front of her paramours. Damn, the story goes hard.

Issue #3 starts with a banger:

Enter: Rachel Van Helsing and Taj. They hunt vampires, and Rachel's ancestor was the one to put a stake through Dracula's heart. Turns out Dracula has multiple coffins, but the one that Frank took is full of gold!

Meanwhile, Clifton's Dracula's slave again and tries to retrieve this very coffin.

Pretty sure that third panel gave me a kink.

Everybody gets in there, a fight ensues, and Rachel Van Helsing proves she's a girlboss by shooting at Dracula without flinching. Still, Dracula flees and our heroes are lead to Scotland Yard for the murder of that dude in the pink vest.

In the truck, Clifton stans Dracula so hard he might ask to kiss him (and more) anytime now. He found who bought Castle Dracula, and the Count stalks that person, who's revealed to be Ilsa, a woman in search of eternal youth and who welcomes Dracula in her home, ready to bargain. This is where the "can't enter unless invited" rule is introduced. I hope they have so fun with it! Buffy certainly did.

#4 time! In this issue, Dracula doesn't have white skin anymore. I'm almost sad. I suppose the color artist finally remembered that Dracula's manservant had supposedly fixed some of his appearance.

Dracula is such a victim, it's hilarious.

Not gonna lie, their chitchat is kind of hot. Probably intentional.

The panel of Dracula carrying Ilsa is, in fact, the very first image of this post. How erotic.

Ilsa later wakes up in her new coffin, and is understandably hungry. She goes for Dracula's new manservant, Clifton, but then...

You see, Dracula just needs a manservant who'll accomplish his every whims. Every. Whims. Bisexuality goes hard.

She explains her magical mirror is actually a passage through time, and argues Dracula might enjoy going back to his own time. He sees some sense in that, and they leave to feed.

Clifton's set to wait for them, but do you know who comes crashing?

That's right, Frank and his fists!

Meanwhile in a small village, Ilsa targets a young couple because she's a hater.

Dracula attacks Frank, but something hilarious happens.

Dracula is just a Dead by Daylight villain.

Cornered by the lights, he gets in the house and seeks the mirror, his only chance of escaping!

Ilsa meanwhile faces Rachel Van Helsin, and rages that she's still as old as before--because she was vampirized at that age, when Dracula became a vampire at 30! But she's not totally desperate, because there's one thing she hasn't told Dracula: turns out he needs a mirror in the exact time and place as he wants to travel. Otherwise, he'll get to a deadly place full of monsters.

Ilsa tries to kill Clifton so he won't warn Dracula, but she can't--she's revulsed by the act of killing. She begs Rachel to end her life, and exists this series.

Taj tries to prevent the Count's escape, but...

And that's how #4 ends!

Indeed!

#dracula #tomb of dracula #marvel #comics #comic books

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youranemicvampire · 9 months

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My thoughts and opinions on The Ultimatum: Queer Love

These are all spoilers so don't read if you haven't watched or finished it yet, but if you like spoilers, go ahead.

TRIGGER WARNING: // ABUSE

Mal - She's like the kind of person I wanna be. She is so mature, emotionally stable, assertive, honest, kind, and patient. I'm a Virgo too, but I haven't achieved that kind of Virgoness yet. I saw her vulnerable and angry side, but I never saw her being disrespectful while expressing those feelings. She deserves soooo much better.

Lexi - I like her because she really knows what she wants, and she's so protective, but she can be controlling sometimes. She's right in a lot of things, but her being right doesn't mean that she gets to invalidate other people's feelings and opinions.

Xander - She has a really kind heart, but sometimes they are too kind. I'm glad she chose herself at the end tho. She deserves better too.

Mildred - She reminds me of my abusive mom so I can't really say anything good about her. She deserved that arrest and she deserves to be alone unless she commits to changing her behavior.

Sam - Can't say anything bad about her tbh. I'm just happy seeing her being more vocal and assertive.

Yoly - Mal was so right about her falling in love quickly. I also think she needs to consider being in a polyamorous relationship. She's too fixated on the idea of marriage when it's not for her.

Rae - I don't understand her tbh I feel like it's more effective for her to be alone before getting married coz from what I see, it's easy for her to be influenced.

Vanessa - That's an actress LMAO. Every time, I see her on screen, it feels like I'm watching a movie not because she's beautiful, but because all I see is acting. All her expressions and dialogues feel scripted. Her eyes remind me of what Christian Bale said about Tom Cruise - "Very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes"

Tiff - Bro, I know you love your dogs, but I hope you treat people like how special you treat them.

Aussie - I know they have communication problems, but I feel like people don't grasp the gravity of their trauma. As someone who has been emotionally and verbally abused at home, it makes me anxious every time someone raises their voice. There was even a time that I would literally hide and sleep in the closet because I was so afraid of my mom and that was in my early 20s. I hope people appreciate how they are trying to change based on what Sam said in the reunion. Change doesn't happen overnight. The important thing is that they are moving forward no matter how small it is. I also found out that they are in therapy which is a very good thing.

Mal x Lexi - They are actually very compatible and among all of them, they are the ones who did this experiment perfectly. The thing I noticed is that I haven't felt romantic or sexual tension which is good because it means that they are loyal to their original pairs and that they do not fall in love easily. I feel like they would actually work if they were given more time. I also like how Lexi gets along with Yoly and respects each other, the same with Mal and Rae. I was so happy hearing Mal saying that she wants to be a flower girl at Lexi and Rae's wedding.

Mal x Yoly - I hate to blame this on one person, but I don't see anything wrong with Mal. Yoly said she's being inconsistent, but I feel like that's the reality of a long-term relationship. It doesn't have to be intense and romantic everyday. I feel like Yoly has an unrealistic expectation and again, she falls in love so quick. Her revealing that they broke up just after 3 weeks sounds like sabotage thinking she could be with Xander.

Yoly x Xander - They are actually cute and I rooted for them before I realized what Mal has been saying about how she falls in love so quickly and intensely.

Xander x Vanessa - Vanessa loves being loved. She loves being chosen. It clearly shows how she only wants to get married because she hates losing. Not losing Xander, but losing someone who is obsessed with her. I'm sooo fucking glad they broke up.

Vanessa x Rae - They are just messing around lmao like it's hard to absorb what's happening between them coz everytime I see Vanessa, I just roll my eyes.

Rae x Lexi - Are they Earth x Air signs??? I know opposites attract, but they are too opposite. You have Lexi who knows what she wants and does everything to achieve it then there's Rae who is all over the place. I was actually surprised that Rae proposed first, but not surprised at all when I found out that they broke up after the reunion. None of them are really bad, they are just so incompatible.

Mildred x Tiff - We're talking about abuse here so there's nothing left to say. Tiff, I hope you are in a better and safer place and Mildred, I hope you're committing to therapy.

Tiff x Sam - They are actually compatible as friends. They are fun to watch, but that dog scene was kinda off coz why are you raising your voice to someone who doesn't like dogs. You should have talked about that before the trial marriage. It feels inhumane to look at that they would cook for the dog, but not for the person they are living with.

Sam x Aussie - Arguments and chaos aside, they are actually a fun couple. I love seeing them laugh and all and I'm actually rooting for them after finding out about their improvements and decision about going to therapy.

Aussie x Mildred - I know you all hate it when Aussie walks away, but I'm glad they did. Someone like Mildred is hard to talk to. They will only listen to themselves and they can't stop talking over people and being aggressive. There's no point in communicating with them.

I'm really glad that this reality show for queer women exists. I've seen reality shows and competitions for queer men and I'm happy for them, but it kinda reflects how the industry and audience support them because they think they are more entertaining. At the end of the day, we queer people do not exist merely for entertainment.

This also shows that queer couples are just like cis-hetero ones who are imperfect and messy. People outside our community should not put us on pedestals and expect that we are better when it comes to relationships because we're not. Sometimes, the reason we mess up is that most of us spent a lot of time in the closet not having enough experience, hating ourselves, and experiencing a lot of trauma from our family and society. This is not a justification, but an explanation. All love 🌈🫶🏼

#the ultimatum queer love #Spoilers #lesbian #bisexual #pansexual #sapphic #wlw

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frecklystars · 1 year

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I don't think people get how reclaiming things after trauma works 'why is she reblogging pink if it triggers her' or 'why is she talking about starscream'. when people are hurt and abused, because it sounds like M was abusive to you, then things that you love become triggers and truamatic. however, it is completely normal for you to attempt to reclaim those things by trying to interact with them in ways that are comfortable to you. i remember a while ago i was stalked by someone and it ruined one of my summers. for about two years i couldn't walk down the same path because it triggered me. however, little by little i began to gather enough strength to at least look that direction and walk down it a bit some days. a year later i was able to walk down the whole path. that is how reclaiming things you love after trauma works. so i think anon needs to understand that

Firstly, thank you for sending me a message about it, that's nice of you to validate my feelings. I’ve gotten a few asks about it in my inbox, harmless questions, I can see why people who haven’t experienced triggers can be a bit confused! And the anon was very nice when asking, I don’t think anyone has intentionally tried to be like “ummm WHY would you reblog things that are pink if that’s a trigger 🤔” or at least not intentional that I'm aware of lol. Hell, I’m still figuring it out, I don’t understand why my brain has to react the way it does. There can be 500 people with ptsd standing in one room, all of them with one single trigger that they all have in common, and all of them can be reacting to it differently, simply depending on their sleep schedule, what they're eating, how they take care of their body and how they're keeping their mind/spirit healthy, or how far along they are on their healing journey, whether or not they've tried to reclaim this trigger or if they've been avoiding it, how much support they get from their peers, etc. And you can put these people in the same room the day after, and all of them could react to the trigger differently than they did the day before. The brain is weird!! And I am not a professional, I am not a doctor, I can't explain how it works.

I’m so sorry to hear you had that happen to you. That sounds horrifying. But hearing that you were able to reclaim that path at your own pace, that’s wonderful news to hear, and I’m so happy you were able to overcome your trigger!! That's huge!! I am celebrating with you, my friend, I am sending you all of my love. That's something to be so proud of!! Ptsd is so fucking difficult to overcome and it’s a whole different level of difficult when you are ready to finally take the steps to actually fully overcome it, because healing is so messy, and healing means you’re facing the triggers head-on. It's not easy!!! You are so brave to want to walk down that path again and I’m really thankful you told me about it, I know it takes a lot of time and energy to send messages and I appreciate that you spent that time and energy sending this to me. Some people have been invalidating my triggers lately, and yeah I know I have a lot of "dumb" triggers but they're still hurting me, so it’s very comforting to hear somebody in my inbox tell me “hey your feelings are valid, I know because I went through something similar."

So yes! Thank you! Reclaiming triggers takes time and work and,,, my god I want to get better so bad. I’ve had ptsd before from a single traumatic event when I was a teenager which I was thankfully able to overcome 100% totally and completely after a few years... but I've never had complex ptsd before from several traumatic events by someone who I trusted, I’ve never had multiple triggers all at once before, and I’ve never had my own comfort characters become the triggers. This is a fucking rollercoaster for me.

Plus a lot of people are looking at the things I'm reblogging... from over a year ago. There are 900+ posts in my queue, all of them before I shut down my blog, before my ex-friend started to make me feel unsafe. Pink, self ship, transformers, Hailee Steinfeld wearing the same kinds of clothes my ex-friend likes to wear, all of those things are in my queue and they're automatically posted to my blog everyday. If I had a way to pause the queue, I'd honestly rather just do that, but maybe it's better that they're posting, because at least I'm seeing them (on days that I'm online, that is) and remembering I loved those things for a reason. I loved to blog about these things bc they used to make me feel comforted and safe and happy. These things did not hurt me, a person did. These things are not going to plan to harm me. A person did.

If there's a day when I genuinely can't handle any of the posts bc a trigger might be super bad that day, I won't go online where I have potential of viewing it. Every day feels completely different to me. I never predict what I'm gonna be able to handle until I actually wake up and face the day. Yesterday I had nonstop flashbacks when I was at work, and nothing was even triggering the flashbacks, it was just... happening. I was feeling the typical anxiety attack you see in movies where you're hyperventilating and crying and shaking, all that shit. And today when I had more flashbacks, I just froze in place for a few minutes and couldn't move. No crying, no shaking, nothing dramatic. I couldn't look at the color pink for about 20 minutes after I woke up, but I can look at it right now 3 hours later and remind myself "hey it's all good. Princess Bubblegum is pink. I love my Princess Bubblegum figurine. I love my candy girlfriend. I love my cameo from Princess Bubblegum's voice actor. I love pink. Pink is one of my favorite colors. I'm safe right now." And maybe within a month from now, pink won't be a trigger at all anymore. Pink is so!!! important to me!!! I love pink I love pink I love pink!!! and I don't want someone to ruin it for me forever. Just like transformers, I want to reclaim these things that were ruined for me and love them again. My love for them after overcoming this will be even stronger than before!!

Plus, I think people are assuming that my ptsd just happened a week ago, since I've only just come back to tumblr, that these triggers should be fresh to me and they expect me to not be able to handle them at all. And yeah they are super fresh to me and yeah I AM having trouble handling them, the wounds keep reopening. but the triggers themselves started in January, when my ex-friend lied to me about something I really cared about, she said something specific that felt like such a huuuge betrayal to me and I was so, so devastated, and just straight up scared, and that is when these triggers formed. I was hurting almost every second of every day. I'm still hurting every day, it's still consuming hours and hours of my life, I'm still unable to get through the day without having meltdowns, I feel powerless... but I am able to give myself 30 minutes of peace if I am distracting myself with a cartoon or a game or something. Or sometimes I just have to take a sleeping pill and go to bed super early bc I can't turn my thoughts off otherwise. Sometimes I can distract myself, which isn't a lot, but before I couldn't do it at all. It's only been a month since I've been able to permanently distance myself from the person who caused these triggers, so the healing part is still very new and at the beginning stage. but then again, it's been 5 months since these triggers used to be so bad that I was constantly in and out of hospitals... so the major triggers turned into minor triggers over time, if that makes sense -- like for example, seeing Starscream used to ruin me, I felt like I couldn't look at him at all back in January. which is awful bc that's our anniversary month. But now! Months later, I can look at him all the time! I just cry when I do! I just feel incredibly sad, because I love him but I don't think he loves me anymore. But that's progress, that's better than before when I couldn't even look at him at all! Just like you, you had to start small and simply look at the path, which was such a huge step of progress, because there was a time when you couldn't look at it at all. But then you could even walk on it!! That's seriously worth celebrating!!! I'm so proud of you anon, I really really am!!

Healing is not linear at all, but like you said, I want to reclaim these things and I'm doing it in a way that feels comfortable to me, whether it's making a gifset of Starscream and posting it when I feel okay, or coloring a picture and drawing myself in a pink crop top and my signature shorts. I actually wore a pink skirt last week, I took pics of myself in it, and I wasn't bothered at all that day. Baby steps!!

Sorry I jumped all over the place there anon, but I really appreciate you telling me this. My triggers have felt really silly bc there's just so many, and I've gotten a few messages where people are calling them stupid... but your message made me feel a lot better honestly, so thank you for reaching out to me ❤

#anonymous #asks #keepsake #ptsd #long post #i think. sorry my response is so long #im not used to talking to ppl again so now when im replying im rly a waterfall of words

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stranger-rants · 1 year

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I'm glad we're meeting halfway on this. I also agree that most of the criticism or hate comes from the classism talk and i also aknowledge how it affects the minorities you mentioned, i see that too. Even when my point was to focus on the invalid hatred and and criticism. It still worries me seeing most of the coments and reblogs on the ask from this side of the fanbase still and only focusing on her flaws kind of like 'ok but she still sucks shes this and that' still. Which i recognized too rather than also trying to get this deal as much as i'm also giving an effort...

I know and i get that is not your fault either or the fault on Billy/ST fans that actually give good and true takes on her character, but this is part of what i mean when i say we all also have a long way in this type of critical thinking. Is part of daily learning something which is not a bad thing!

Thank you for allowing me to bring my point 🤍 i get that its not easy and that is tiring (i do apologize beforehand) but from everyone on the Billy Hargrove fandom, you seem to be the most grounded person to have a full commom sense with fair takes on everyone. Have a nice day

I'm turtle, that's my anon nickname ☺️

No one responding to these asks, though, are condoning fandom hate. It's just that you're asking me to expend a lot of energy on being defensive of Nancy on-demand, when I nor anyone I associate with are focused on hating Nancy for any of the reasons you've mentioned. So, I don't think they're focused on anything other than, hey, classism and the way she's written are the things we care about most.

While I am open to discussing numerous fandom issues, it can be exhausting to be expected to be the mouthpiece of one side of the fandom or another or to take on a defensive stance not knowing who any of you are or the motivation behind these asks. So, yeah, that is not easy and it is tiring.

I do appreciate that people think I make reasonable arguments, and I don't want to discourage people from talking to me. However, I do think it would be most beneficial for people to speak up about these things when they happen like I do with Billy but with their favorite characters. Billy is like my specialty. I am very passionate about him. It doesn't mean I do not care about how people talk about others, but I also have my limitations and biases and I shouldn't be the only person handling these issues.

#asks

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donnerpartyofone · 1 year

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man i hope this isnt weird and i know its a little weird but ive followed you for a while and feel a deep kindred spirit with you. i know its only parasocial and we arent mutuals so its all good but like some of the things you post resonate with me so deeply and you articulate things abt yourself that i also feel abt my self but you articulate them better than i ever could. also we have very similar hair but i usually weird mine buzzed but when it grows out it looks a lot like yours and you rock it in ways i never feel confident enough to do. idk i just saw your post abt being a bad person but not in the ways ppl think you are and thats like something i think to myself all the time like i wish ppl who think im good knew i was bad and ppl who think im bad knew how wrong they were abt the ways im bad. and things youve posted abt being a stupid person and having ppl be like "youre not" resonate too bcuz its like im painfully PAINfully aware of my own stupidity and bumbling thru like but my loved ones dont want me to think that way or acknowledge it but i think there is something truly liberating in knowing i am inherently dumb in a lot of ways and to a lot of things and i have to work harder to live a good life bcuz of it. idk. im doing a bad job of explaining myself here. but anyways. i just wanna say thanks for putting your thoughts on this website for me to follow and keep doing you, bcuz youre doing it great.

Well I hope it's not weird for me to post this, I suppose it is anonymous after all; it feels kind of private to me but also I am also having a freakishly difficult couple of weeks and it was meaningful to hear someone say "I know what you're talking about." (I think you are speaking very clearly btw) I feel like a lot of the rhetoric society uses to address people who have depression is devised by people who don't suffer from it, like there's a lot of language about how "you're not alone" and a lot of idealizing talk about how great the self-denigrating sufferer appears to others, and that's nice and all but it kind of dismisses the individual's own personal experience of themselves. A person is more complex than their need for extra hugs or attention or something, and a person's perception of themselves/experience of having to be with themselves is not contingent on the perceptions of others even if the external impressions are positive. I don't know, I hate to shit on supportive behaviors but a lot of them are basically dismissive of a person's status as the de facto expert on themselves; I don't really think it's ultimately helpful to make people feel like they don't know what they're talking about, about their own selves. It can be maddening actually, and idealizing talk in particular has a way of suggesting that things have to be great for them to be at all acceptable. Which is really oppressive to tell the truth.

Interlude: In grade school my best friend's class had to do this exercise where they made acronyms of of their first names using various personal qualities, and the teachers gave her shit because for the letter A she used Adequate, and they thought this was, like...bad and had to be corrected.

Anyway I have always written very obsessively and I think it's related to wanting to be understood. Which is not the same thing as wanting to be appreciated, or wanting to feel not-alone. I think I just want someone to say they know what I'm talking about, instead of telling flattering lies or suggesting that something is wrong to say or dismissable just because it seems negative or painful. As if discomfort is automatically invalidating. Someone asked me recently if I journal and I laughed because I've done it all my life, and also because I actually have a SACK of journals under my bed, one regular one, one for dreams, one that's about my dysfunctional relationship with money and materials, etc. And then there's my various blogs of course. I have a couple of semi-pro writing projects going too that I hope I get to announce soon. But it's really all about just the fantasy of articulating something so carefully, preferably in ink (or "ink"), that no one can possibly pretend that they don't know what I'm talking about ever again.

It's funny that we wear our hair the same. I used to wear it half-shaved but my hair grows so fast, it gave me a lot of anxiety. But on that note I must say that whatever pictures of me you see are like 1/1000, I find it very hard to take a picture I'm satisfied with and I often just wind up feeling embarrassed, but ultimately I think I'm just trying to fix some positive mental image of myself even though I know we're all different people at different hours of each day. I dunno. Actually it becomes problematic because a couple of people are always telling me how "photogenic" I am and then I'm like WHY DID IT TAKE ME THREE HOURS TO GET THIS ONE SHOT THEN, and they refuse to believe me when I explain how many pictures I throw out. They think they're doing me a big favor by pretending everything is effortless for me. I have especial problems with my hair, probably every picture you see of me was anxiously snapped at some exact moment when it was behaving! So don't worry, I'm having a really hard time with my appearance basically always. Pictures other people take of me are mortifying, and I'm always like FUCK, that's what they think is a good, representative photo of me? Uh oh. Pictures I take of myself are usually taken in an emergency in fleeting, ephemeral moments where I suddenly look ok to myself.

This morning I went to the church where I've been going since February, a beautiful place full of eccentric older people I have fallen a little in love with. Sometimes I'm tempted to actually convert to Catholicism, like maybe that would be the gothest thing I could do, but I know that I will always believe in abortion and the right to suicide and I'm not too sure about hell or the historical Jesus or papal authority. I just really like it in this specific church. This morning one of the oldest ladies who goes on the weekdays like me introduced herself, she was very sweet and she was wearing hoops that were styled like chains, I don't think she realized they were bad bitch earrings, they just looked nice on her. She said it was nice to see "young people" getting involved with the church, and I wanted to tell her I turned 42 last week, but I might still be the youngest person there! When I met some of the other folks last month they told my husband that he looked like Geraldo Rivera, and then remarked that they thought we were too young to be aware of Geraldo. I told them we're old enough, we're just packed in our own oil. Anyway this is my big excuse to post selfies I was struggling with, I feel more conflicted about them these days, but I guess I'm still compelled. Thanks so much for your understanding, and have a good night!

#gpoy #anon #that's not my house #it's my husband preparing to roast weenies for me #long post #star of the sea

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cooki3face · 8 months

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She has multiple videos on limerence and this topic, now this is not to say that magical thinking or spirituality or my practice or lifestyle isn’t real or isn’t worth confiding in terms of relationships and connections but I think you may easily stumble into this direction at times to help validate what it is you’re experiencing, thinking and feeling, I’m sorry if this isn’t what you were expecting and I hope this this is helpful for you to some extent or at least gives you a different perspective. ❤️

I've never been identified with CPSTD/PTSD tbh and I had a nice childhood with loving friends and parents thankfully and I'm conflicted if it's limerance all in my head or not bec recently I 'directly' asked my Spirits signs since was getting tired by mixed ones, to show me a blue butterfly if this person loved me back and it suddenly appeared a image of a blue butterfly while scrolling on Tumblr then I asked them to show me a white horse because I was still unsure if it was a coincidence and then I ended up in a blog with a white horse as icon. Anyway thank you for the interesting detailed and eye-opening reply I appreciated a lot also from past crushes I had and that video was really interesting and eye-opening too. In conclusion, I came to understand I don't chase I attract . So, if the Universe is "playing" with my feels showing me direct signs about him and it's actually not real I give up, and again if only if it's real he'll be the one to come to me when he will be fully healed I won't chase him anymore. I'll just focus on myself it will be better. What it pains me the most is the fact that I feel like a wish to help him heal any childhood traumas he's had and care for him bc of life being unfair to him but I can't unless (let's only suppose) he's the one chasing me.

Thank you so much Mod, you've been really helpful ♥️

If it so happens that what you’re experiencing is real, that would be totally wonderful and okay as well, I’m sorry if you may have felt like I completely invalidated your experience, it wasn’t my intention. I think that it is possible to feel completely drawn and connected to someone that you haven’t met or spoken too but I think that there is a level of discernment we must have in terms of navigating these types of experiences. Your spirit guides are guiding and supporting you and it could very well be the case that he is someone whose apart of your soul family or someone you’re meant to cross paths with or share a profound connection with within your life time. I would love to have you build up the bravery to reach out to him because we’ll never know what can be brought of your feeling of connectivity to him if you don’t attempt to reach out to him and introduce yourself.

What, I felt was interesting about what you were saying (and why I felt as though it could possibly be a case of limerence) was the way you described what was going on, almost as if he didn’t know you at all or didn’t know you existed whatsoever. It’s possible for someone’s spirit to call out to someone or want to be near someone on a deeper subconscious level but I would approach him with the idea of you feeling heavily connected to him in a way that is easy for him to understand and consume because he may not be consciously awakened to the idea of such a profound spiritual connection. Thank you for getting back to me, I feel like I understand you better now and can give you some better advice or insight on your situation. Hope that all is well! ❤️

#asks

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felixfathom · 1 year

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Kagami focused episodes are actually so good and every single one of them expands her beyond badass sword girl that I'm shocked people still view her that way. I fear that it's because maybe some yt people feel like they just can't relate to an Asian girl (who has more pronounced Asian features and has her heritage superficially more emphasised by the narrative). Like I really hope that isn't the case and I don't want to assume but as an Asian girl myself, the west has always viewed us like some sort of invading Other. A perpetual foreigner that will never belong (no matter how hard we try to assimilate) and thus can never be properly identified with. Sorry for oversharing but idkkk I guess I'm sensitive about this stuff. Also ironically this makes kagami fit the senti thing even more bc that's also like feeling othered and stuff, with her desire for perfection sounding similar to how lots of east asians are fed the model minority myth (if you work hard enough without complaining, eventually you'll overcome racism and belong! no it doesn't work like that) and also how if Asians slip up (eg their English is not "perfect") people will start viewing us as foreigners again who don't belong (so we have to be perfect). So even though I know this isn't intentional and will never be explored, I actually identified a lot with her and it makes me sad that no one even thinks of her enough to come up with stuff like this. And also, ofc it would be great rep if she was a lesbian and it's a valid hc but she canonically isn't and I feel like people who only care about her if she is implies that... they don't care about women of color in and of themselves? like woc by themselves aren't interesting enough for you to pay attention to unless you add something else to them. Plus, everyone weirdly erases adrigami as if that wasn't a vital part of her character because they just can't stand that adrien was interested in someone other than marinette, and I kind of feel like that's why they hc her as a lesbian so that they can take adrigami out of the picture. Sorry ik this ask is weird but I'm just frustrated at how no one cares about her and just misinterprets her all the time

no bc this is super important and you bring up a lot of good points !! admittedly, part of kagami's character does revolve around her relationships with the main leads but what i noticed is that canon always focused on her feelings and her side of the story whereas in the fandom she's an accessory to them.

i also had the impression that (most) people boil her down to the lesbian headcanon as a way to invalidate adrigami and/or feligami and it's so dismissive of her actual character, it shows how they only care about her when she fits certain criterias or holds up well to the one-dimensional standard they set for her as the blunt perfectionist ice queen, the very thing she's trying to avoid being seen as. people can only appreciate her when she's being all buddy-buddy with marinette and they're doing a poor job at hiding it bc this season had 3 episodes that were about her in one way or another and all three times the fans managed to make it about adrien and marinette, with perfection probably being the worst offender out of all of them.

i don't think anyone who has neglected her arc up until this point should be allowed to have a say on what's in or out of character for her, bc i doubt they can even tell the difference between that and choices they personally don't align with. kagami is one of the most well written and multifaceted characters in the show, and she deserved a fandom that recognized all the ways she stood out from the rest of the supporting cast as opposed to one that only cares about her in relation to other characters

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barelyfunctioning-amber · 1 year

Text

??Introduction:??

(This user used to be @/am-in-recovery)

Welcome to my disability blog! My name is Am/Amber. I am 20 years old. I use any pronouns and I also use neopronouns (use she/they/it if confused). I am genderfluid, bisexual and polyamorous. I hoard genders and pronouns. My main tumblr account is @flyabovebutterfly and on that account I don't talk about my problems and such because the blog isn't focused on that. This blog, on the other hand, is focused on exactly that.

I have a wonderful partner named Dustin/Snowy, and I'd appreciate it if everyone not send me weird asks if I don't know you personally.

Here I will mostly mention my daily life with:

-severe misophonia,

-low to middle support needs autism {special interests include anime, littlest pet shop, the sea, animal jam, game of thrones, disability and cyber security!},

-problems sleeping and insomnia,

-seasonal depression,

-anxiety (GAD, social anxiety),

-slowly developing agoraphobia,

-problems with memory from unknown cause,

-dissasociation that is trauma caused [Please I ask to not ask me about it as it can trigger bad episodes and send me back to a place I don't want to be in /srs],

-maladaptive daydreaming disorder,

-ocd with *actual* intrusive thoughts,

-orthostatic hypotension,

-chronic fatigue (suspected me/cfs),

-gi issues (prof dx functional dyspepsia; ibs and possible ibd, chronic pain),

-balance and coordiantion problems, frequent dizziness, frequent nausea, issues with pre-syncope and syncope (fainting),

-tinnitus (with sounds that trigger my misophonia and sounds that sometimes scare me),

-overactive bladder with suspected bladder pain syndrome,

-prof dx adjustment disorder {MISDIAGNOSIS, do not refer to me as someone with this disorder because I am not! /srs},

-showing symptoms of borderline personality disorder but unsure, very self suspected,

-joint pain and skin issues (gastrointestinal problem-caused),

-and previous cases of COVID, bacterial infections, mononucleosis, anemia due to weak immune system.

I will also write about:

-the world around me, how I see it

-things I like, what makes me happy

ect.

I will always tag triggering topics so no one will have any troubles with this account! /gen

I am physically and mentally disabled and I use a cane to walk, use AAC when speaking difficult, and am a future wheelchair user. I also own crutches that I am currently unable to use.

Speaking is difficult due to verbal shutdowns, being overwhelmed, not having needs met, trauma flashbacks, speech loss, anxiety makes speaking hard, difficulty with explaining and other reasons. This is the reason I start using AAC. I use it because I do need it.

I am chronically ill, neurodivergent, mentally ill, don't have much spoons and I deal with ableism daily. Because most my issues are undiagnosed and self diagnosed due to a lot of reasons, I seek to finally get proper help soon.

BYF:

-I use tone tags, and I appreciate it when others do too.

-I am extremely uncomfortable with NSFW blogs following my main and recovery accounts.

-I will tag with a tw for everything that I or others may find triggering.

-I won't reply to messages saying "self-dx isn't valid or reliable" because I am so done with people invalidating my experiences. While I am going to get professional help this year, I also self diagnose for personal reasons.

-I will not get into any discourse, at all. Please DNI if you're looking for discourse.

-This blog was NOT made to romanticize any mental illness/mental health problem. DNI if you're here with the intention of doing so.

-This blog is my personal experiences, not everyone experiences everything exactly the same.

Thank you for reading this introduction post.

Full introduction:

DNI/BYF:

#flyabovebutterfly #aminrecovery #recovery #mental health #introduction #mental health recovery #positive thinking #disability #chronic illness #disabled #physically disabled #cpunk #mentally ill #actually mentally ill #actually disabled #actually autism #actually autistic

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 10 months

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Hi! This is my first ask, I hope I followed all the rules, I'm 🪐, and I just wanted a bit of advice/reassurance

TW: descriptions of religious trauma, physical/emotional abuse, descriptions of trauma symptoms such as gaps in memory

I'm leaving home for university soon and I've wanted to, for a long time, have some space from my family and the church I grew up in. I don't know what I believe, but I'm sure that don't align myself with what I was raised to believe growing up, and I have a lot of trauma and self worth issues due to a lot of the teachings. I don't know what my purpose is or how to think for myself because I've learned to believe that my life is worthless without god, all the achievements I have are not because of me but because of god (hence the imposter syndrome I have) etc etc. The problem is, everyone expects me to go to a branch of the church where my university is. I don't want to and I know it will warrant questions and anger from my family and church community and I don't think I want to face that.

My mum and I have had a rocky relationship throughout my life. she's hit me (and threatened to hit me) multiple times when I was younger as part of "discipline" (and due to my bfrb), as well as invalidate my feelings and forced me to obey her every word because the Bible said I should. Even though now we are on better terms, she's learning to apologise for things she's done in the moment, she doesn't hit me anymore and she actually listens to me sometimes, I can still see the impact my childhood experiences have had on me. I'm horribly afraid of making mistakes, I've internalised her criticising attitude towards me, I cannot articulate my feelings because I'm so used to burying them, I'm a people pleaser and other things. She's also homophobic/transphobic (due to my church's teachings) so I've been hiding my identities from her every since I've learned more about myself. Sometimes I even doubt my own identities because what if she's right? What if I'm just demonic and confused and that I've been indoctrinated? (I know I haven't but still, thoughts like this creep up on me)

[I've had therapy for a few months which has help unravel some of this but I'm leaving school so I need to find a new therapist, which is very daunting]

What I don't know is whether it's justifiable to want to have space from her and not talk to her for at least the first year of uni. I don't know how I'd explain these things to her since I get quite emotional/cry a lot and I don't have the language to articulate exactly what's wrong. Equally, a lot of my childhood memories have been "blocked out" (there are extended periods of my childhood I don't remember) possibly due to trauma so I feel like I won't be able to defend myself.

I also really want to leave this church, but I'm scared. It's all I've ever known for as long as I remember and sometimes I get plagued with guilt/fear of eternal punishment for not believing in what I was taught to believe. I also don't want family members and people from there to try and convince me to return or try to talk my out of it, because I'm scared I'll crumble and go back to that environment where I'm instructed to be a certain person and want particular things from my life. I feel really trapped. It's going to take me a lot of time to untangle everything, and I really want to, but I'm also scared I'll never find a solid community and place to exist outside work and school (especially in times like this). I desperately want to feel okay and not be so afraid of the future and living life for myself, but I understand that it'll take me some time to trust my emotions and ability to make decisions and to learn how to find community again. It feels so big, like it's casting a shadow on my everyday life and I can't enjoy anything anymore.

Any advice on how to navigate these big thoughts would be appreciated!

-🪐

[I hope this wasn't too long!]

Hi 🪐,

I'm happy to assure that your ask was certainly not too long, and would like to extend my sympathies for your experiences and current struggles. To me, it makes all the sense in the world that your day to day, and foreseeable future, are deeply impacted by the events of childhood and current situations. You were not modeled healthy emotional regulation by your caregiver, and sadly were abused by the one person who you should have been safe with. From personal experience, I'd like to extend an extra gentle hug for the grief, and full range of emotions, that might crop up during your untangling process as you continue down your healing journey.

I wasn't 100% sure if you were looking to potentially still be part of some kind of religious/spiritual community, heal from the current one, or a bit of both? But this ask includes several books, and a work book, about healing from spiritual abuse, yet aimed for people who still have some sort of faith belief and hope to continue with some kind of spiritual practices (however, this is aimed for Christian spiritual abuse, and if you're looking for a different faith group resource, my hope is that the links/hashtags/words included in the book references might be a good starting point on a Google search). I also had an ask for someone who was exploring a different religion, seeking community, and yet the guilt, too. You can find my response to that here, but here's a highlight I hope might resonate with you, too:

I still think that anyone interested in spiritual practices can decide the boundaries for themselves on what uplifts them, what brings joy and connection - because religion and spirituality, though possible to do with others, is still, at the end of the day, a personal experience.

I think with you transitioning to college, there's a cultural understanding that you'll be exploring things on your own a bit, and though yes, it is quite possible that your family, and/or community might imply pressure as to what exploring those dynamics might look like for you, there's opportunity for freedom here.

What I mean by that, is it's fairly easy to get off the phone when you say, "Gotta study" "Gotta get to class" etc - if someone in your classes, or a student in the hallway tries to bring up a subject you're not comfortable with, I'd encourage you to share that you aren't going to discuss something, but it's certainly not rude to share you're busy and would like to circle back to another topic, another time (because you'll definitely be busy with uni!).

If someone actually has the gall to follow after you, or I don't know, unexpected family visits - you have the right to seek safety and shelter, and discuss with campus security what your options are. Though this is the most extreme example I can think, and I only bring it up to assure that you have the power to set the boundaries of who has access to you.

I'd imagine the biggest headache might be the breaks/holidays, where you might go home (or not, nothing says you have to, and you could always be needing to stay on campus to catch up on projects). But if you do, here's an article about setting some boundaries with family during the holidays (and one more) that I hope might encourage you.

Regardless of the process, length of time it take, or the winding journey as you heal - you are worthy of people in your life who love, and encourage you. You are worthy of healing, and I'm proud of you for taking the steps towards independence with both therapy (and wish you luck on finding another soon - definitely ask your campus for some mental health resources, they might have some therapists there!) and seeking higher education. Wishing you all the best ~

- Mod Kat

#trauma talks #mod kat #religious trauma #physical abuse #emotional abuse #familial abuse #trauma details #🪐#tw emotional abuse #tw religious trauma

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proceduralpassion · 1 year

Text

I posted 1,401 times in 2022

That's 1,400 more posts than 2021!

577 posts created (41%)

824 posts reblogged (59%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@passionatewrites

@drabbles-mc

@viktorhargreeves

@fighterkimburgess

@sextonsharpwinhalstead

I tagged 1,279 of my posts in 2022

Only 9% of my posts had no tags

#twd liveblog s3 - 181 posts

#mayans mc spoilers - 132 posts

#passionateasks - 121 posts

#chicago fire - 104 posts

#twd liveblog - 78 posts

#chicago med - 69 posts

#idwbu fic - 67 posts

#all american homecoming - 66 posts

#chicago pd - 55 posts

#mayans mc - 53 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#think about how much you could accomplish if you redirected all that outrage into something more productive than your little fave having

My Top Posts in 2022:

Tag 9 people I want to get to know better

Thanks @purple-dahlias ❤

Last song: Surprise- Chloe

Last show: Chicago Fire

Currently watching: Walking Dead

Currently reading: All of us Villains (it's aiightt but not my cup of tea; kinda like Hunger Games but with magic)

Tagging: @tallulahchanel @ginghampearlsnsweettea @tchallasbabymama @sheabuttahwrites @drabbles-mc @ingiee @jvstjewels @superhoeva @inyourbackpocketisbutterflies

82 notes - Posted June 17, 2022

GILLY MVP OF THE EPISODE

82 notes - Posted May 24, 2022

Ok, I had my reservations but I actually don't mind the Judd/Wyatt storyline? Like first, I'm so glad they didn't have Judd try to hide any of this from Grace (I mean Judd "I love my wife" Ryder would never but still). She was in the know from the get go and was the one who got Wyatt's contact info.

And who knows? Maybe Grace and Judd decide not to have any more children. And this show isn't gonna last forever or long enough for us to see Charlie in her teens (unless they do a time skip or two). So, this would still be a chance for us to see them parent an older kid while also seeing them raise a newborn, infant, toddler, and so forth. Surely, it's gonna be a helluva challenge learning how to parent for two different kids at different stages in their life while just being new parents in general.

Also very much want to point out and appreciate how they let Grace's emotions just be REAL. Like she said, she knew it wasn't "fair." She knew the feelings she was feeling were confusing. She knew that Judd having a child before they met and before they had Charlie doesn't take away from the family he has now. But it was still upsetting. To believe that you had given the love of your life his first child, only to just soon after, find out that that wasn't the case. And yes, it's kind of irrational when you look back on it, but it shouldn't and doesn't invalidate her feelings. It's a lot to process.

It just goes to speak on the strong foundation of their marriage for Grace to have no problem articulating/communicating her anger to him. It's why I have no doubt that this will not be a significant obstacle in their marriage. That and the fact that we see Judd ruminating over how best to navigate this whole situation without hurting anyone in the process. And of course, like the angel she is, Grace comes back in stride and makes sure that Judd knows that she's in this with him 100%. And her inviting Wyatt's mom for dinner so they can all talk was her taking the steps to show that she was on his team and that they would be on this journey together as a united front. ✨

90 notes - Posted February 7, 2022

I Don't Wanna Be Unfair | 01

A/N: Hi! Back on my bullshit with another fic. I'm not even particularly sure where this came from, but the inspiration hit and I just let it ride tbh. I've never written for SOA before so this is a first for me. Also, I'll make better graphics when I get the time lol.

Pairing: Jax Teller x OC (McKenzie Gilbert)

Summary/synopsis: Fresh off a broken engagement, McKenzie Gilbert has a one night stand with a random guy she never plans to see again. Soon after, their paths cross, which complicates several situations at hand.

Chapter warning(s): language, sexual content (yup in the first chapter)

WC: ~6.5K

“Want another one?”

McKenzie looked up and was met with pitying eyes from the bartender. He glanced down at her empty shot glass before peering back up at her, awaiting a response. She pondered for a moment as to whether another shot was a good idea, but ultimately decided fuck it before nodding her head.

Her second thoughts dissipated as she realized she wasn’t even particularly drunk. Not even all that tipsy. She’d been sitting here long enough that the alcohol previously consumed had already osmosed. Part of her was upset because it had been her every intention of getting plastered tonight, but then again, he wasn’t worth that. He wasn’t worth destroying her liver anymore than necessary.

The bartender, having a general sketch of most people’s mindsets and reasons for coming into bars, knew she was obviously not having a good time right now. He stood there for a moment and decided to put on his therapist hat, “You alright, chica? Anything else I can get you?”

Before she could answer, he had provided her with a glass of water and another shot.

“I’m good, thanks.” She replied. It took a lot of effort to gather a smile, but she gave him a small one, appreciating his thought to check in on her.

“Well… if you wanna talk about it, I’m a professional listener, too. Sort of a hidden skill as a bartender.”

“Thanks, but I’m not really in the talking mood right now. I’ll take one more shot though.” McKenzie kept her voice level, holding back the snark she wanted to release. He was just being nice and doing his job, but she really didn’t want to be bothered. Thankfully, he took the hint and walked away to tend to other customers after refilling her glass.

She kept the shot glass on the counter, not jumping to knock it back yet. She meant it, she wasn’t getting drunk tonight over him. Even if this wasn’t the life she imagined for herself as of now. Even though she no longer had any direction or destination in mind for where she would go from here.

Marriage wasn’t particularly something she envisioned for herself, but when the opportunity came, she said yes to the man who proposed to her. And she was excited. Excited at the prospect of being someone’s wife. Having a husband. Planning a wedding, a day of celebrating with everyone you love in one room. She thought she met someone who was worthy of sharing such a day with her. She just knew that man loved her. His words and the ring that used to rest on her left ring finger solidified that in her mind. And now everything she believed to be true was no longer so.

Only a couple of hours ago, she’d been happily engaged. Only a couple of hours ago, she proudly wore the round cut diamond ring that proclaimed to everyone that she was betrothed. And now, here she sat with all of that nothing more than a lost dream, a broken ending. All the promises and plans and wishes had gone down the drain, her forever ending going with it.

The only thing more potent than her heartbreak right now was the anger that arose every time she thought about how she had been dragged along for almost five years, with a man who never wanted any of the things she did.

Confusion was a top three contender. Because she wondered how she missed the signs. How she hadn’t figured out beforehand that he never wanted her to be his wife. How she could have possibly messed this up. They were nowhere near perfect, God knows, but she never felt like it was too much to the point that it couldn’t be fixed. That they couldn’t work through it together. Yes, she was incredibly stubborn, and yes, he could be particularly arrogant, but…. they were in love. And that should have been enough, right? Unless it wasn’t. Or unless he really didn’t love her. Which was so obviously the case, but how long had it been like that? How long had it been when he fell out of love with her? Was he ever?

Confusion rose in rank as to what she was feeling. More questions arose the longer she sat there, reflecting over her now broken engagement. Was this something he’d been thinking about for a long time? Or was it sudden, a split decision? She thought back to his behavior these past few months: he’d been coming home later (or sometimes not at all), he was more distant than usual, they were arguing more. The feeling that maybe he’d been seeking comfort in the arms of another woman floated through her mind more than once during this time, and she even gathered the courage to ask him straight up if he had. But he said no and so she believed him. He said “I love you” and so she believed him. Because if she didn’t, that would give credence to the little voice in the back of her head that told her that something was off.

And here she was in this random bar in the middle of nowhere, hating herself for not listening.

And with that, she picked up the shot and knocked it back. She deserved the burning sensation in the back of her throat. A punishment for her asininity. And also a distraction from her aching.

Tomorrow, she would have to go to the clubhouse and face him. She would have to keep her head high because she’d be damned if she let anyone see her fall apart. She also couldn’t give him the satisfaction. She’d walk in tomorrow and pretend that her heart hadn’t been ripped from its chest.

But for tonight, she didn’t want to think about any of that. Tonight needed to be a night for distraction and self-indulgence.

Because no matter how much she wished she would never see him again, she couldn’t do that. He was a part of her world and he wasn’t going anywhere. And she knew he wasn’t so she had no choice but to face it. And she would face it with as much gracefulness and strength she could muster because anything less was unacceptable to her.

But for tonight at least, she could abandon all of that. She purposefully avoided having drinks at the clubhouse bar, not wanting to encounter him or anyone else for the time being. That’s why she drove out on the skirts of town to find this place, a bar on neutral ground without any club affiliations. She also didn’t want to have a peek at him taking home another woman or better yet, simply taking a woman right there at the club. She couldn’t even stand the thought, quickly whishing the visual from her mind. And that was confirmation right there that she made the right decision, because she surely wouldn’t have been able to control her emotions had she seen it in real time, in person. Maybe their engagement hadn’t even stopped him from doing just that in the past, but either way, it was now moot. She didn’t want any part in witnessing the sight.

There were loud cheers down the bar that jolted McKenzie from her thoughts. She rolled her eyes when she found the source, seeing a bunch of frat guys on winter break, partake in a beer chugging contest. The time she spent in her head left her just now noticing that the bar had gotten more crowded. A basketball game played on the screen, a group of girlfriends were having a girl’s night out, and a few dates were canoodled together in booths. She would probably barely hear her own voice if she were to start speaking right now with all the buzz and liveliness around her. And she definitely didn’t hear the bar door opening or the sound of footsteps that stopped until they were right beside her.

She only noticed when the bartender reappeared to serve the new patron, “Hey, what can I get you, man?”

To her left, was an unfamiliar blonde, waiting at the counter. He had on a black hoodie with his hood on his head, though his gelled back blonde hair peeked a little outside of it. His face wore a laidback smirk on his face as he greeted the bartender. When the bartender turned his back to get him his drink though, the smirk on the blonde had faded some and a bit of weariness colored his features. It was only a few seconds and the careless demeanor returned as he was handed a glass of whiskey. He turned to leave his spot and glanced McKenzie's way as he backed up some. He flashed her a flirtatious smile and wink before he continued on his way, walking towards the back of the bar.

Over the next hour or so, she broke herself out of her mind and just sat and watched all around her. There weren’t a lot of moments where she could sit and just be. It was a privilege she didn’t get to indulge in a lot of the time. Between her job as a paramedic and being involved in what was technically a crime syndicate, relaxation wasn’t usually afforded to her. And so she sipped on her water and just observed. She didn’t want to invite attention to herself by looking at anyone too hard or too long, but her eyes couldn’t help but bounce back to that mystery blonde every so often.

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101 notes - Posted January 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I'll Be Seeing You

Pairing: Kevin Atwater x Fire!Reader (I hate writing Y/N so reader has a last name "Dubois" courtesy of @ginghampearlsnsweettea)

Inspiration: Kevin being Kevin (Also the "I'll be seeing you" thing between Peyton and Lucas from One Tree Hill), also the lack of Kev fics is simply blasphemous

Summary: Kev doesn't like you walking home by yourself

WC: ~1.3K Warning(s): unedited because I like my work a lil rough 'round the edges, slight sexual tension?

It felt like the night had been dragging on. You’d been having fun, sure, but you felt drained from all the energy spent dancing, talking, and drinking. It was also the end of the day, or more like, the early hours of a brand new day. The festivities celebrating Stella’s promotion were still going on, but you could feel the exhaustion wearing down in your bones. It took you a few seconds to even gather enough vigor to rise from the bar stool and begin making your goodbye rounds with everyone.

You caught Kevin’s eye as you began walking towards the door and so you made a quick detour to where he was sitting. The two of you had always been friendly with each other, whether it be during the times you interacted at work or whenever you ran into each other here at Molly’s. You saw him when he had first come in with Ruzek and Burgess, but now he was sitting all alone with Burgess gone for the night and Ruzek grabbing another drink at the bar.

“Heading home already?” He asked as he saw your crossbody around your frame.

“It’s one a.m.” you defended.

Kevin chuckled, “Didn’t take you for a girl scout, Dubois.”

He accepted the playful swat you gave him on his shoulder while feigning hurt.

“You called an Uber?”

“Nah, I only live down the street.”

Kevin frowned, “Sooo, you’re gonna walk?”

You shrugged, “Yeah, my feet ain’t broke. I always walk when I know I’m gonna be drinking here. No use in driving my car for like two blocks.”

Kevin shook his head in a playful admonishment, “You a first responder, you s’posed to know better.”

He downed the rest of his drink and stood up from his seat. You looked at his empty beer bottle and gave him a pointed glare. It, for sure, wasn’t the first drink he had had tonight. He caught the glare and put his hands up in defense, “What?”

“You a first responder, you s’posed to know better,” you threw back at him, “I know you don’t think I’m about to get in your car when you’ve probably had just as much tonight as I’ve had. And don’t even bring up our difference in size before I make Ruz come over here with a Breathalyzer.”

“Okay, okay, Miss Smarty. And what if I was about to offer to walk you home? Then what, huh?”

You couldn’t help but look away with a smirk at his retort, not realizing that’s where he was going with this. His close proximity to you didn’t help matters as your face warmed up.

“Ah ha! That’s what I thought.” He grabbed his jacket and put it on, “Let me go holla at Ruzek and I’ll take you home.”

You weren’t even given the chance to decline the kind offer before he was off saying goodnight to his partner. You gave a final wave and congratulatory air kiss to Stella before heading to wait towards the door. You heard Sylvie yell a “text me when you get home!” and you smiled and saluted in acknowledgement of the request.

A second later, Kevin had joined you and reached over your head to hold the door open for you to exit. He made a show of silently gesturing “after you” with his hands before following you out into the Chicago night air. He draped one of his shoulders around you and your cheeks warmed as you realized this was the first time that the two of you had touched in this manner. A shake of the hand here, a tap on the shoulder there, but never had either of you been in as close of an embrace as this. Maybe his meager drunkenness had caused him to be a little touchier than normal. And maybe your stupor had given you the comfort to lean into his arm. Either way, you both comfortably walked the path to your place with his arm still around you.

“Seriously, though, you shouldn’t be walking home by yourself. Especially while drunk.”

“Well, to be fair, I’m not always drunk. Sometimes, I’m working shifts and obviously I’m not drinking on the job.”

Even though you were part-owner and didn’t necessarily need the extra cash, sometimes you just enjoyed serving drinks around the establishment and having fun with everyone.

“Still, D.” He wrapped his arm tighter around you as he belabored his point. Your heart skipped at the motion to the point where you shivered a little at his touch. Taking the gesture as if you were cold, he wordlessly walked behind you and leaned both of his arms around you in the attempts of gathering warmth for you.

You grinned at the gesture and allowed your head to lean into his embrace as you two continued walking. The smell of his cologne doused your senses and you wondered if there was a better sensation than what you were currently experiencing.

“Thank you,” you finally said after several minutes of silence.

“For what?”

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134 notes - Posted April 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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