#but no. none of them ever did. so instead we just have 100s of rat a tat lyric videos with the word salad 'number than gold' in them

[just-prime]

Tales of Squandered Potential

Oh hello again everyone who follows me for my Star Wars ranting!

So! Tales of the Empire. The Hat Man is at it again.

Episodes 1-3 : The Path of Boredom

As expected, all of the Morgan stuff was not my thing. She was boring in Ahsoka, she was boring here. The entirety of the three episodes just hammered home "this lady is angry" in a way that felt overdone because there is no arc. There's no growth, no interest, no nothing. It all just feels like Filoni trying to retroactively make his one dimensional character that gets killed off in the stupidest way possible feel super badass. However because we know that she gets killed in the stupidest way possible, everything falls flat and none of it feels earned. It also doesn't actually answer any of the many many questions that Ahsoka raised about her. She's just there, standing in front of a fire. That's all she does.

Thrawn is there for all of about two seconds, and every moment of it is painful, because here's the thing. WE KNOW WHAT THRAWN WAS UP TO AT THIS TIME!!! We have the book that explains all of Thrawn's many exploits as an admiral. This is only more evidence for the idea that Filoni has never actually picked up any of the canon Thrawn books. Which we kinda already knew, but this is all but confirmation. As I've previously said, and will continue saying, Filoni needs to contextualize Thrawn as a 100% big bad otherwise his Heir to the Empire fanfilm won't actually feel earned, so he is systematically destroying any and all nuance that Thrawn has had to make sure that new viewers only ever see him as an unredeemable evil.

And I know that there are a lot of you out there who are holding out for the possibility that this is all a misdirect by Thrawn! That this is all part of his grand plan to go back and help the Ascendency, and that he's lying to everyone about his intentions. But the sad truth is that Filoni doesn't give a rats ass about anything other than cartoonishly evil Thrawn which means we're never getting Eli, or Karyn, or Hammerly or any of the characters from the six fantastic canon books that Timothy Zahn so lovingly created. That was made very clear with Filoni's prioritization of Admiral Pellaeon, who for those who don't know is actually in the new canon Thrawn books too! He wasn't just left behind in Legends, Zahn brought him back into canon too! But again, being the Legends fanboy that he is, Filoni doesn't care about where Pellaeon should be canonically, so instead he's just shoehorned into the episode for no other reason then Filoni likes him.

Episodes 4-6 : The Barriss Content

Soooooo, why didn't Barriss get a full fucking season to herself??? I get the idea behind the 15 minute episodes, but it really makes it hard to tell any sort of cohesive story. It works far better as a snapshot of a couple of days in someone's life. So unfortunately, while I did enjoy them, Barriss's episodes felt really rushed and I found it really hard to tell when things took place. How long was she at the Inquisitor training center? Was it a day? Was it a month? Really would have been interested in actually seeing the inner workings but it all has to get brushed over in favor of her becoming an Inquisitor. A seemingly intentionally not named Inquisitor which makes me feel like they've run out of early Inquisitor names. Unless there's a trial period before you get a proper number? I don't know it was just one of those things that niggled at me. Another thing that niggled at me (which was also mentioned by the wonderful artist @stealingpotatoes, go give her art some love) is that her design is kinda boring as fuck? Like, you have Birdy-Mc-Skullface right there with such a neat design and yet all Barriss gets is a motorcycle helmet with very slight voice modulation.

But I digress. The fact that Barriss commits herself to the Inquisitorium via a ritualized fight to the death, and then goes "wait, the red light saber wielding, all black wearing, Darth Vader serving inquisitors aren't here to help people?" before immediately bailing is so funny to me. This girl cannot for the life of her commit herself to an organization without becoming disillusioned within 1-3 business days.

I'm not sure how I feel about it all being about Lyn? I was very much rooting for her to totally die in the ice shafts instead of what felt like a very last minute redemption arc?

Though speaking of the last episode...HOLY SHIT OLD BARRISS IS FUCKING HOT. *coughs* Excuse me. Anyway. I would have loved to see more of what happened in between eps 5 and 6. Seeing how she and the jedi kid escaped the planet, and where the two of them did after than in the very hostile Empire would have been a facinating story watch play out. Also, who is this female friend that Barriss is referring to when she sends the child away? Is it Ahsoka??? If it is...WHY WOULD YOU NOT SHOW US THAT REUNION??? Like I get the whole point of this is to set up Barriss to make the jump to live action like every single other Filoni character is curseddestined to do, but also you've had people waiting years to find out what happened to Barriss and it feels like they burned their biggest story possibility on a throwaway reference. Did she find Ahsoka? Did Ahsoka find her? When did they find each other? Was it pre-Rebellion? Was it after Ahsoka was already functioning as Fulcrum? Given that we now know the Fulcrum name originated from Anakin, did Barriss recognize the name and seek this mystery person out? I don't know it just feels again like more wasted potential.

Final Thoughts

Fuck this animation is good now! Can we get a new writer?

Like, even for the shit I was annoyed by, the entire show just looks fabulous. It makes me really really wish that ANYONE other than Filoni could make content in this style. Let the writers of Jedi: Fallen Order and Survivor do a Merrin episode or a baby Cal episode. Or the people doing The Acolyte, let them do Tales of the High Republic! Let anyone other than Filoni have a chance to create within the world of Star Wars animated content.

#as always my ask box is open #i really do love talking about this #so if you've got thoughts you want to share or questions for me #i am always more than happy to respond #dave filoni critical #tales of the empire #rambles #morgan elsbeth #thrawn #barriss offee #star wars

[firespirited]

I was wondering why Mattel is really on my using Saran or Poly hair instead of kanekalon or nylon. Is nylon no longer being used for dolls? I did see that kanekalon has health risks now, so I assume that is why it is not used anymore? I was just wondering if you had some insights/theories as to why those seem to be the only hair fiber found in their current dolls? Or maybe I completely misread the whole doll hair thing…anyways, thank you for your time. :)

Hi! in 2002 Bratz released a couple of lines with cheap Nylon or doll grade Kanekalon hair and it was speculated that it was because Mattel had bought out the stock of saran PVDC manufactured by Asahi Kasei, Bratz used saran almost exclusively until what was deemed budget lines and clear corner cutting (as evidenced by how simplified dolls were compared to prototypes).

The issue's no longer so clear-cut: multiple manufacturers create nylon in high qualities and many colours. The issues surrounding Kanekalon concern it's human sized fiber and high heat which wouldn't be a problem for doll grade kanekalon which melts on the low temp of a hair straightener if you're not really careful.

I can't explain why Mattel has chosen to go with poly hair which feels unpleasant and doesn't hold up to brushing, why Hasbro systematically undermined their own products with terrible nylon that made even Disney princesses with straight hair unbrushable. MGA seems to be favouring Qiyue Kiwi hair (but not on LOL OMGs), is some kind of exclusivity contract why other dolls don't use it? DongGang make a very nice nylon, why hasn't Mattel gone with them? None of it makes sense. Maybe there's a good reason and I have no clue.

Maybe the reason is the same as the short sack-dresses and skirts designed to fit multiple body types: they've chosen to invest in face-molds, accessories and body diversity over makeup, clothes and hair. Maybe there's been a supply chain issue or unknown chemical instability?

It's baffling that we have more direct access to designers than we have in a long time and no-one seems to know about the hair. I'm not sure we will ever get an answer, we never did about the glue-head syndrome. The disconnect between what the designers want to create for people and what a company is willing to produce is wide: we know from pleather and glue head issues that many dolls are not manufactured to be long term collectibles. Some aren't really supposed to be redressed and restyled: the clothes are sewn on and the bun comes down to reveal a nub of hair or an empty head.

I wish things looked like they did in 2002 where the excuse for hard to brush 'Style It' dolls was potential corporate meddling, by 2008 you were lucky if the doll didn't come with a rat's nest on her head. Nowadays, we have these confounding decisions to stick badly rooted coarse hair on expensive collector dolls, on dolls with an implied collector value as long-lasting items and then other dolls priced seemingly at random (collector Rainbow High ranged from $40 to $100 for no discernable reason). It's not even clear when profits are being reinvested into the toy lines and we speculate that some toy lines are operating at a loss to get a foothold in the market.

Let's just say that a bunch of companies have shown they don't even have the sense to invest in brand loyalty with quality product recently, the media companies have exhausted so much goodwill it's embarrassing to anyone who's ever cared about running a business. Even banks can't seem to think five years ahead. It's why I'm delighted MGA is getting sued, yeah it's frivolous and far-fetched but we might get some insight on how they're running things and what the design process might be. It is absolutely not the "collaborative" Monster High/Barbie mermaid "voting process" we've seen on social media and more of a "Oh shoot, we gotta make the Krystal Bailey doll darker skinned, people are furious!"

TLDR It could be that whoever's running these divisions knows nothing about dolls, let alone hair. They just look at numbers and make decisions on numbers, short term ones too, no long term projections or testing.

#dolls #dollblr #I don't even see that many prototypes posted anymore #doll hair #This morning i heard a cool scooby doo cartoon with the hex girls got tax cut destroyed. Because art is just assets. #Does anyone at Mattel outside of design love Barbie? Is that even a qualification?

[mythiccheroacademia]

The whole time traveling children has me feelin some type of way tbh. Imagine Mirio, Kaminari, and Tamaki walking into their respective rooms and there are just small children vibing. Mirio with his daughter, Kaminari with a daughter and Tamaki with a son. 😭

as i said, parent!bnha is SUPERIOR

A/N: So, instead of making these separate asks, I’m just going to make it one giant post. I thought it would be easier that way. Probably the only post that’ll have more than three characters lol

Warnings: none

Kaminari Denki:

when kaminari walked into his room, he didn't expect to see two children on his bed fighting like wild animals

the younger girl was totally beating the boy’s ass tho

kinda embarrassing bc she’s gotta be like, seven, at most

as if it’s not the weirdest thing he’s seen (bc it’s not) he rushes in to break them apart

he manages to separate them with his arms 

the boy with yellow hair snaps his jaws at his sister’s fingers

“hey! bad! no biting!” he scolds

the little girl blows a raspberry and taunts “yeah! papa says no biting!”

the older sibling just rolls his eyes “rat”

meanwhile, denki is literally malfunctioning

papa?

PAPA? HUH???

the only person’s pants (and heart) he’s been trying to get in to for the past three months was y/n’s and he sure as hell would remember if he did

he didn't have kids

especially one that was his age

“sorry! you two are cute, but i’m not your pops”

thus, they begin to tell denki about how they mayhaps followed him and their mother into a dangerous mission and got hit with a time travel quirk

denki just nods his head

tbh, he’s not that weirded out

weirder things have happened

but, he does have one question

“who’s the lucky woman?”

coincidentally, you bust into his dorm room, wet from a recent prank and head steaming with anger

“Kaminari Denki!”

his son juts a thumb over to you

“the woman that’s about to murder you”

“oh say less”

his life literally couldn't get any better

before you get the chance to throttle him, the little girl jumps in your arms and your anger is immediately quelled 

“hey mommy! i just wanna let you know that it was [son’s name]’s fault that we followed you when you told us not to”

“WHAT!?”

you’re to busy trying to get them from killing each other to comprehend anything that’s going on

kaminari is in a love-struck gaze bc hot damn, he won the jackpot, huh?

if he wasn't in love with you before, he’s in love with you now

you and your feral children

it was nice being God’s favorite

Kirishima Eijirou: 

funny thing was

kirishima woke up from his afternoon nap with his mini-me in his arms!

at first, he was really confused as to why there was an 8 yr old boy with spiky teeth and (your hair texture) black hair on his bed

he thought he was dreaming

then the little boy bit his nose and grinned like he had done the funniest thing in the world 

“WAKE UP DADDY! WE GOTTA GET SWOL TODAY”

did he get hit with some duplication quirk?

and what was that he said...daddy?

as in, father?

kirishima is wide awake now, but before he can ask the kid what’s going on, the boy is up and making use of his punching bag

he decides it wouldn't hurt to get a morning work out in, so he decides to humor the kid

after a mini workout, kirishima is in near tears as the boy tries to flex the little muscles he has 

eventually, he gets the kid to tell him what happened and finds out he was hit with a time travel quirk of some sort

instead of being weirded out, kirishima is ESCTATIC 

he has a family in the future 

he’s so excited and proud that he just has to show his son off to his friends!

the first thing he does is go and bother bakusquad in the common room

he’s bragging like shit to them and his ego swells as they all swoon over how cute and handsome the kid is 

you and bakugo come out of the kitchen to see what all the commotion is about and the little boy excitedly runs to you and jumps into your arms 

“momma! you’re here! you’re so pretty! why’d you marry daddy when he looks so unswol?”

it’s silent before bakugo fucking dies of laughter 

“y-you finally let shitty hair hit it? and got knocked up?? LMAO”

everyone’s dying and kirishima wants to die

he can’t believe this was how his long-term crush on you was getting outted

by an 8 yr old boy

so not manly

you look confused before you put the pieces together

the kid did look like you and kirishima

you want to console kirishima about the crush that you lowkey knew he had on you, but your son was one step ahead of you

with a gracious smile, he hits bakugo’s head

hard

“what the fuck kid!?”

“don’t make fun of daddy, uncle bakugo! at least daddy didn’t faint at his wedding″

Bakugo’s contemplating murder and everyone’s rolling on the floor

“WE BEEN KNEW YOU WERE THE BIGGEST SIMP”

even ten years later, bakugo still holds a grudge against your son

Togata Mirio:

i’m about to kill y’all w this one

since year one, mirio has been feigning over you 

but 1) you were too dumb to notice 2) you both were really busy with, y’know, school and 3) he lowkey gave up bc he thought you deserved better

so imagine his surprise when he sees this four year old girl on his bed

and she looks like you with his features

mirio might not be the brightest crayon in the crayon box

but he’s got eyes

and it wasn't like he’s memorized your features to the T

the tiny girl is swinging her legs absent-mindedly before exploding with happiness when he sees him

she runs to mirio and he catches her with open arms 

“daddy! daddy! i got hit with the coolest quirk at school today!”

proceeds to tell him about her best friend discovered her quirk and it was a teleportation quirk 

mirio can’t help but giggle along with her even tho he knew it was a scary situation for the parents

speaking of which...

he innocently asks her who’s the mom

“mommy is the prettiest mommy in the world! she has e/c eyes, hair like me, and the most beautiful s/c skin! her name is togata y/n!”

if he wasn't geeking before, he’s geeking now

not only did he manage to marry you, but you let him be your baby daddy?

him?

big bet

mirio doesn't even care at this point

he’s parading around UA with the fattest smile as he introduces his daughter to damn near everyone 

everyone’s freaking out bc wtf when did mirio get someone pregnant??

maybe he should've explained himself, but he sees you at your locker and makes a b-line for you

“good morning, y/n!”

he doesn't notice that you slam your locker close and hide the confession letter you wrote to him behind your back

you’re a stuttering mess and he’s too busy basking in the fact that he’s holding y’alls child 

y’all look like a mess

but he’s ready to lay it on thick when the little girl kisses your nose and cheers,

“mommy, i missed you”

he explains the situation 

you cant help but smile, “you know this could potentially ruin the timeline?”

and you feel like melting as he gives you the softest smile 

“there’s no way I’m letting that happen. not when i end up with the woman i’m in love with. we’ll just have to twist fate together”

and twist it you did

Tamaki Amajiki:

tamaki wasn't the bravest person ever 

and he knew his crippling anxiety got in the way of a lot

but he had never been more proud of himself for managing to invite you to his room

it was supposed to be a study date

despite how bold you normally were, he took comfort in how nervous you seemed 

now, you two were leaning in, about to kiss

and then a voice from behind interrupts 

“uh, am i interrupting something?”

you two let out the ugliest squeal and jump 50 feet away from each other 

you’re all over the place, trying to explain the situation

tamaki’s heart is barely beating at this point

it takes the kid, who looks about 16, about thirty minutes to calm you down and revive tamaki

explains that he’s from the future and a descendant of tamaki’s family

decides to leave out that you two are his parents so he doesn't risk possibly erasing himself from the space continuum 

that would be bad

despite how surprised you two were, you two take it rather well 

you three spend the day together bc you and tamaki feel this weird sense of responsibility for the guy even though he’s only two years younger

the boy is trying his hardest not to expose himself, but it’s so hard

you two are asking him everything from his favorite food to if he has any siblings

he’s good at pretending that he’s cool, calm, and collected, but he wants nothing more than to jump into his parents’ arms and cry about how scared he is of messing up

but he won’t 

bc he’s a strong boy

but he slips up

“how far are you down the future?” tamaki asks

“uh, about like 100 years or so--”

“you’re lying”

the kid nearly chokes on his food as his father blinks at him

you try and scold tamaki but he continues

“i don’t mean to be mean, but your nose twitches when you lie. y/n does the same thing”

that’s when the jazz record stops and everyone is staring at one another

“....wait”

this time, you nearly pass out

y’all had a kid together???

THE HELL??

the boy, coincidentally, starts fading and he thinks he fucked up

now he’s full out sobbing into the both of your chests, scared that he’s disappearing

despite the news, you and tamaki calm down, look at each other, and hold your son

“don’t you worry, baby” you coo, kissing his fading hair

“i have a feeling we’ll see you quite soon” tamaki comforts, closing his eyes

Bakugo Katsuki:

bakugo finally understood when his mom said

“the meaner you are to your parents, the nastier your kids will be to you”

he regretted being such a demon bc his kid was literally the spawn of satan

katsuki didn’t need an explanation to know that that...thing was his kid

he looked damn near identical to him with features that he couldn't quite place

but anyways, that wasn't the focus rn

rn, he was trying to figure out a way to keep that animal caged

as soon as katsuki took his eyes off him, the six yr old ran out the door as fast as his little legs could carry him

“catch me if you can, you old bastard!”

yup, it was his kid

“GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKER”

his son is blasting his way through the halls, skillfully evading Katsuki’s grabbing hands 

he’s wildly laughing as he flips and turns through the doors, watching with glee as his father falls on his face

multiple times

the small boy latches on to a cupboard and smirks

“no wonder mom always beats your ass! you weak!”

katsuki nearly looks like the devil, eyes white, and face red with fury

his pride suffering by the second

he’s about to cuss the kids to hell when you come out of the kitchen, confused

you were about to ask why katsuki looked like a rat with rabies before you caught sight of a basket of fruit teetering on the edge of the cabinet, above the little boy’s head

“look out--”

the basket falls on the kid’s head and he’s on the floor, reeling from the hit

katsuki would've normally laughed his ass off, but he felt kind of...concerned?

he watches you run towards the child who’s trying his hardest not to cry

the boy holds his head, fat tears in his eyes as you pick him up and coddle over him 

“i’m sorry, baby. I'm sorry i didnt get there in time” 

cue the waterworks 

the boy is full-on sobbing into your chest about how his head hurts

you bounce him and kiss his forehead as katsuki checks over the red bump 

“you’ll be okay, brat” he comforts, voice softer than usual

in that moment, katsuki can’t help but notice how much a family y’all look like rn

then the dots start connecting and he goes 

oh shit 

so, maybe, he’s had a tiny crush on you

and it didn’t help that you two were friends with benefits bc yall were horny teenagers

but who knew he’d get the balls to ask you out on a proper date one day

he was such a simp for you gosh it was ugly

“you have to be more careful from now on,”  you say to the boy 

the brat suddenly looks innocent and katsuki wants to throw him

“sorry, mommy. i’ll be gooder”

the look on your face is priceless 

bakugo uses it as a chance to kiss you 

“huh?”

“i guess now’s a good time to tell you that i want to be your dick on demand but with feelings and shit, dumbass”

#bnha #mha #bnha scenarios #mha scenarios #bakugou x reader #kirishima x reader #kaminari x reader #tamaki x reader #mirio x reader #bakugo katsuki #Kirishima Eijirou #mirio togata #tamaki amakiji #kaminari denki #parent!bnha boys #parent bnha #mha x black reader #mha x poc!reader #mha children #mha domestic

[themandhoelorian]

Dincember - November 30: Snow

summary: Din’s determined to make your stay on this miserable ice planet as short as possible, but you and the kid don’t mind taking your time in the snow.

pairing: din djarin x gn!reader

warnings: angst that quickly becomes fluff, episode 10 spoilers, the smallest bit of canon-typical violence, some swearing?, the cute little green dude, Din is Soft for you uwu

word count: 3.1k

a/n: ahhh hi welcome to my first fanfiction ever!! I’m excited and very very nervous about posting this, but I've been wanting to write my tin can husband for a while and thought dincember might just be the push I needed to start. part of me hopes I’m just screaming into the void, but if you’re reading this, I hope you enjoy it! happy dincember y’all <3

***

Din doesn’t like snow. 

It’s cold and wet and irritating and it creates a layer of frost on his armor that leaves stubborn smudges on the beskar even after he’s dried off. It’s a practical nightmare that Din quite frankly doesn’t have the patience to deal with, but the snow itself isn’t even what bothers him most.

It’s the planets that are covered in it that he really can’t stand. 

Din’s been on his fair share of ice planets, and not once has he found something appealing among the white plains, just deadly ravinaks and mindless criminals and giant ice spiders. If he had his choice, he would never step foot on one again. 

He’s not sure why any reasonable person would want to either.

So when he hears you gasp from the copilot seat as the frosty white orb comes into view, he assumes that it’s because you’re dreading having to land on this ice planet too.

He knows this is what he hired you for, to follow him wherever he needed to go and take care of the child, but he can’t help but feel a little bad that he’s brought you to yet another dreadful planet. Whenever the three of you land somewhere dangerous, which recently has been more often than not, he insists that you and the child stay on the Crest so he knows you’ll be safe. You never complain, always complying to his requests with a shy smile and dutifully looking after the child, but he can tell you’re growing weary of being holed up in the ship all the time. 

Your eyes don’t sparkle like they used to, the way they did when you first joined his crew and you would break into a dazzling grin every time you landed on a new planet. 

You don’t talk to the kid in excited whispers anymore as you teach him about the forests or the oceans or the sand, giggling as you bring his little green fingers to the ground and let him feel the difference in the landscapes. 

Din’s afraid he’s killed the wonder traveling with him used to bring you, he’s afraid he’s ruined it for the kid too, and Maker, he wishes he could see your face light up the way it used to. He wishes he could see you and the kid overwhelmingly happy again.

But here he is, leaving you both stuck in the middle of a frozen wasteland for what’s sure to be a less than happy few hours while he goes off to find another bounty. He wants to apologize before he leaves, but he can’t seem to find the words for how kriffing bad he feels. Even if he did, he knows you would just brush it off anyways, offer him that sweet smile that makes his face heat up and assure him that the two of you would be just fine on the ship.

So instead, he instructs you to keep the ship running, to stay warm and be ready to take off as soon as he gets back, before he hurries off into the dense swathes of snow. He doesn’t even tell you to stay on the Crest, in too much of a rush to leave before your dewy eyes can convince him to forget the quarry and take you somewhere nicer. 

He’s halfway to the location when he realizes it, but he figures there’s no use turning back to remind you when he’s sure you wouldn’t want to go outside, not when white flakes are starting to dust the already cold air. 

Besides, he’s determined to make your stay on this planet as short as possible anyway. 

Luckily, the target’s in the first cantina Din steps into and doesn’t put up a fight. Well, he tries, but the dumb sucker thinks he can just run, and he doesn’t get more than a few meters out the door before Din shoots him through the chest. 

Usually, Din would scoff at a quarry that slow, but this time, as he ties up the body, he’s just grateful that the target’s lack of mental and physical prowess means he can get you all off this planet that much sooner.

In fact, it’s only been a few hours since he first left, and as he makes his way back to the Crest, Din assumes he’ll find you right where he left you. You probably haven’t even put the kid down for a nap yet, and he’s almost proud of himself for making the turnaround so fast. He may have brought you to this awful place, but at least he’s making sure you barely have to spend any time on it. 

He almost doesn’t feel bad anymore, almost tells himself it’s okay that he left you and the child stranded on the ship again, but then he approaches the Crest and realizes things aren’t exactly as he left them.

The first thing he notices is that the hull door is open. He’s almost certain he remembered to close it, even in his rush to leave, but even if he didn’t, he’s sure you would’ve shut it for him. 

But then again, you’d been in the cockpit when he left, so maybe you had just stayed there and didn’t realize the door was still open. That would make sense.

When he gets a little closer though, he realizes he can’t hear the hum of the engine and that the headlights have been turned off. That he can’t explain. He told you to keep the ship running, and you’ve always followed his instructions. If nothing else, surely you’d want to keep the heater going in this weather. He can’t think of any reason why the Crest shouldn’t be running right now, unless something happened to you and-

No. No, that’s not possible. 

He always engages ground security before he leaves. There’s no way anything could’ve gotten onto the ship. But he was in a rush this time, and he’s not even 100 percent positive he closed the hull door, and kriff, did he really mess up that badly?

Not only did he make you wait on this stupid ice planet, but he also left you and the kid vulnerable to whatever dangers lurk in its snow covered hills because he forgot to secure the ship?

Maker, now he really feels bad for bringing you here.

Before he knows it, Din is sprinting towards the Crest, leaving the quarry’s body behind so he can move faster through the snow. He starts heading up the ramp, ready to scope out the ship, but then he hears faint laughter coming from the other side of the hull. He freezes at the noise, his body tensing as the edges of his vision go red. 

Apparently ice planets make for stupid criminals, Din thinks, because between the quarry he just picked up and whoever the hell is gloating right outside the scene of their crime right now, he’s sure he’s never encountered so many witless assholes in one place. He’s almost glad for it though. At least he’ll be able to put a bolt through the little frozen brain of whoever had the gall to raid his ship and mess with his crew.

He draws his blaster and paces towards the back of the ship, making sure his steps are silent now that the laughter has stopped. He takes a breath before darting out from behind the Crest, blaster raised, finger on the trigger, but he doesn’t find the thief that he’s looking to shoot there.

He just finds you lying on the frozen ground, making faces at the child as you support him on your stomach.

At first, Din is just relieved to see the two of you seemingly unharmed, but the comfort he feels quickly morphs into confusion. He wonders if something happened to the ship that forced the two of you outside, but then the child swats at your face and you giggle, the sound so pure and carefree that he knows nothing’s wrong.

No, you just decided to drag the kid out into the cold for fun.

He sighs and lowers his blaster as he watches the two of you, too caught up in whatever game you’re playing to notice his presence. Maker, maybe ice planets really do make people dumber, the snowflakes fogging up your head the way it does his visor, because he knows if you were in your right mind you wouldn’t have taken the kid out into the snow, and you definitely wouldn’t be lying with him in the ice, completely exposed to anyone passing by.

“I thought I told you to keep the ship running,” he barks.

You sit up abruptly at the sudden noise, pulling the child instinctively to your chest as you whip your head in his direction. Panic flashes across your eyes for a second, but when you realize it’s just him, it melts into a sigh as you offer him a small smile. 

“Oh. Mando. Hi, we were just...”

But then the kid sees that Din’s returned and coos loudly, trying to squirm out of your arms so you’ll let him down. You oblige, placing him gently on the soft ground, and he waddles over to Din with his tiny arms outstretched.

Din picks him up, and the child bubbles with excitement as he positions the little womp rat in the crook of his arm. Din studies him, searching for any signs of distress, but he finds none, just big eyes shining with nothing but glee. 

That’s strange. He was sure the kid would hate snow after what happened last time. 

He snaps out of his train of thought when you make your way towards him, brushing ice off your shoulders and back. 

“Sorry, he was getting a little antsy when it started snowing, so I thought he might’ve wanted to play outside for a little bit,” you explain. “I didn’t want to leave the engine running while we were out here, and I thought we’d have enough time to get everything going again before you got back.”

You’re right in front of him now, so close he can see the small crystals of ice that dot your hair. For a second, he forgets himself, consumed by how breathtaking you look against the icy landscape, and it’s only when the child shifts in his arms that Din catches himself, remembering that he’s supposed to be mad at you for not following his instructions.

“Wasn’t he scared of it?” he demands.

You shake your head, looking down at the child and running a thumb along his ear.

“He seemed a little nervous at first, but I got him to warm up to it pretty quickly. We were just about to head inside, but he wanted to stay out here a little longer, isn’t that right bubs?”

The child hums contentedly as if to agree with you, shifting his gaze between your face and the helmet, but Din keeps his eyes trained on you, trying to figure out how you could’ve gotten the kid to like the snow so easily. The encounter on Maldo Kreis had left him wary of any icy terrain, he can’t imagine what it must have done to the innocent child, but somehow here he is, looking as happy as he’s ever been playing with you in the frost. 

He must have been staring at you for too long because before he can put his finger on how you were able to change the kid’s mind, your face is twisting with worry and you’re starting to apologize again.

“I know we probably should’ve stayed on the ship, but I…” you hesitate before giving him a sheepish grin. “Playing in the snow was one of my favorite things when I was little, and I wanted him to know what it was like too.” 

Din should be mad at you. You didn’t do the one thing he asked, and you could’ve put yourself and the kid in danger by going outside on a cold foreign planet. He should reprimand you, make sure you know how stupid it was to do that, but then you look up at him, your eyes sparkling as they catch his through the visor, and it’s like someone’s lifted the beskar from his chest, cool air filling his lungs as he breathes fully for what feels like the first time.

He can’t remember the last time he saw you like this, so in awe of the world and eager to share it with the child, with him. Din thought he’d killed all the joy the two of you felt, but no, here it is again, radiating strong and warm from you and the little being babbling in his arms, and he feels whatever anger he had managed to harbor melt away.

How could he be upset when you two were so happy again? 

“It’s okay,” he sighs. “Just- I need you to be more careful when I’m not here. I don’t want you two getting into trouble when I can’t protect you.”

“I know, I know. I promise it won’t happen again.” 

It’s a simple affirmation, but your voice is steady, your gaze holding his with so much weight that he knows you mean every word you say. Din knows that he can trust you, so he just nods, deciding there’s not much use in wasting more breath on the topic.

He’s about to turn back to the ship, ready to get you all off this planet like he intended, but the child whines before he can move, pointing a tiny finger at the ground where you had been playing. Before he can ask what’s wrong, you take the child from his arms, speaking in that melodic tone you save for doting on your small companion.

“Oh, you wanna show your dad what we were doing, huh bubs?”

He coos in agreement, and you smile before nodding at Din to follow. You lead him to where you were lying and place the kid down next to two vaguely body shaped depressions in the snow. The kid toddles towards the smaller, shallower one and looks up at Din with bright eyes.

Din’s been with the kid long enough that he knows he’s supposed to act excited at this, but it’s a little hard to do when he has no idea what he’s looking at.

He turns his helmet to you in confusion, only to find you already staring at him with an amused expression. 

“Have you never made a snow angel, Mando?” you tease.

“A what?”

You grin at his response, and Din feels his face heat up. He can’t tell if it’s from being embarrassed at not knowing or if it’s just from seeing you smile at him.

“A snow angel. You lie down and move your arms and legs up and down, and then the mark you leave behind kind of looks like an angel.”

The kid makes his way back towards Din while he studies the tracks in the snow. He can kind of see an angel in the design he’s guessing you made, but the child’s-

“Well, it’s supposed to look like an angel,” you add. “But the kid’s so small I guess it's hard to tell. Maybe I should have taught him how to make snowballs instead.”

“No, you made the right choice,” Din interjects. “He doesn’t need anything else to be throwing around with his mind tricks.”

You laugh, nodding in agreement, and he feels his chest expand again at the levity of your voice. He wants to make you laugh again, be the reason you’re so openly joyful, but as he’s racking his brain for something to say, he feels a light tug on his cape.

“What is it, buddy?” Din asks as he kneels next to the child. He doesn’t respond, just starts waddling back towards the patterns in the snow while holding onto the cape, tugging harder once its pulled taut and he can’t move any further. 

“I think he wants you to make one too,” you note.

Din sighs as he stands, gently removing his cape from the child’s small hand. As much as he enjoys seeing the kid happy, he thinks it’d be a little ridiculous for him to take part in the childish activity, and he’s not too fond of the idea of lying on the cold, wet ground.

“I’m afraid I don’t know how to,” he reasons.

It’s a lame excuse, he knows, but it’s technically true, and he thinks it might be enough to get him out of this little game.

But when you roll your eyes at him, he knows that’s just wishful thinking.

Well, it was worth a shot.

“He did it, I’m sure you can figure it out too,” you accuse, gesturing at the kid who’s plopped himself on the ground. “Come on, bubs, why don’t you show your daddy how it’s done?”

The child doesn’t move though, just tilts his head at you and lets out a confused noise. You shake your head as you make your way to him, but instead of picking him up like Din expects, you just pat his head, striding past the “angels” you made earlier.

“Fine, you lazy little bean,” you say. “I guess I’ll just show him then.”

You sit in a fresh patch of snow and beckon at Din to join you. He’s about to refuse, tell you that it’s time to get back on the ship and leave, but then your bright eyes catch his again.

Maybe it’s worth giving in if it’ll keep that twinkle in your eyes.

“It’s just a little snow, Mando, it’s not gonna kill you.”

Din sighs, pulling his pulse rifle off his back and setting it down before grabbing the kid. He places the child between the two of you as he sits down, following your lead as you lay back in the soft ice and begin to move your limbs. 

It’s about as enjoyable as he expects it to be, which is to say not at all. The beskar makes him sink deep into the frozen layer, and he can feel the cold moisture seeping through the gaps in his armor. He’s about to ask how you could genuinely find this fun, but the sound of your laughter mixing with the child’s stops him.

He turns his head to watch you, taking in the way your eyes squeeze shut as your arms draw patterns in the snow, the way the light reflects off the white ground, making it glow around you.

The way it kind of makes you look like an angel.

Suddenly, Din feels warm despite being covered in ice, and he understands how you got the kid to like the snow so quickly. 

He thinks he might be starting to like it a little too.

#dincember #I can't believe I'm doing this asdfghkl #i've literally like never written prose idk why i think i can do this lol #this is so much harder than screenwriting rip #also sorry idk how snow works at all #i've only seen it once when i was like 5 LMAO #the mandalorian #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian x reader #din djarin x reader #din djarin #the mandalorian x you #din djarin x you #emi writes

[full-of-roman-angst-trash]

A Darkside Christmas

Merry Christmas @nonbinary-bitch! I hope you have/had a nice Christmas. I was your secret santa. Sorry if the fanfic was a bit late, there were a bit of technical issues. Well, I hope the fanfic is to your liking and worth the wait!

Warnings: Cursing, mention of alcohol, Remus being Remus.

It’s been a bit over a year since Virgil has left the Darksides and while he didn’t hate being with the Lightsides, it wasn’t the same. Every morning in the Darkside was full of playful banter, cursing, loud music, vine references, and overall chaos. Remus and Virgil would team up to annoy Janus as much as he did and Janus did his best to control the two younger sides. It was fun and well they all knew it was nothing more than lighthearted jokes. 

Mornings in the Lightside is completely different. It’s quiet, Logan usually wakes up first, makes himself a coffee, and then returns to his room. Patton wakes up later, makes breakfast for the two remaining sides. Virgil, Roman, and Patton then eat together, talking softly. In the Lightside, they prefer to be quiet, peaceful, and reasonable. If Virgil tried causing the same chaos he used to cause in the Darkside, he would just be told to please quiet down.

The best days in the Darksides though were holidays and birthdays. During holidays, the usual chaos was intensified by 100%. By the end of the day, things would end up broken, Janus would end up drunk, and Virgil and Remus would end up passed out somewhere. When the next morning came, they would all clean up and Janus would have to sleep through the day to get rid of his hangover. 

 On birthdays, the lighthearted jokes would intensify for the person turning older. If it was Janus’ or Virgil’s birthdays, Remus would give them tons of gross and inappropriate presents before giving them their real presents. Remus would also fill the house with pranks or annoying inconveniences to tease them. When it was Virgil’s birthday, Janus and Remus would both push his face into the cake. During Remus’, the other two darksides would take the opportunity to get revenge on the demented side for everything he’s ever done to him. Pranks would liter the house, each year getting more elaborate. Instead of giving him disgusting things, that the Duke liked, they would give him fluffy things that he found boring and “sickening”

One of Virgil’s favorite holidays to celebrate with the Darksides was Christmas. While Halloween was fun, it was a bit repetitive since most of the time they were just trying, and failing, to scare each other. Christmas on the other hand was full of alcohol, prank gifts, loud music/karaoke, teasing, way too competitive games, and overall crackhead energy. At the end of the crazy day though, they would make some cookies and hot chocolate, sit on the couch, and cuddle as they watched movies.

So when Virgil made the decision to leave, he knew that he’ll have to leave all those fun days and traditions as well. Now it was his first Christmas with the Lightsides. Holidays like Halloween had been slightly disappointing since Patton can’t handle scary stuff, all they did was eat candy and dress up. But, Virgil was sure Christmas would be fun. 

It had started off pretty well. Roman had decorated the entire house the day before. Patton made them all cookies and hot chocolate. Logan even came down from his room and had breakfast with all of them. They all got Christmas sweaters. Roman even had a karaoke machine, which brought Virgil close to home. 

It was about 6 p.m when Virgil started to feel off. He remembered that Every Christmas, Remus would bust into his room and scream “It’s Christmas” starling the emo awake. None of the Lightside ever really drank, which meant he couldn’t get drunk as he had with the Darksides. He missed having chugging competitions with the others. He missed having to double-check his drink to make sure Remus didn’t add anything nasty to it. He missed having singing battles with Remus while Janus tried to hide his fond smiles and look annoyed. He missed Janus given him ugly sweaters, which he was often convinced to wear. He missed Remus setting up a bunch of mistletoes everywhere and teasing them by “trying” to kiss them. He missed looking through pictures of the past Christmas years that Janus hung up every year. He missed when Janus finally gave in and would sing with them. He missed them playing Uno or Monopoly which would lead to them arguing and fighting. He missed them so much he couldn’t bare it anymore. 

“Hey guys,” Virgil said softly, getting the others’ attention.

“Yes, kiddo?” Patton looked at him with a soft smile.

The anxious side stood up, “I’ll be right back. I need to go do something real quick.”

Roman nodded, “Alright!”

Virgil gave them a small smile before sinking down to his room. There, he took off his Christmas sweater, neatly folding it and putting it on his bed. Afterward, he walked over to his closet, taking out two presents. He starts walking to the Darkside.

As he was getting closer, he could hear the two Darksides arguing, however, unlike the lighthearted fights they had in the past, this one sounded serious. Remus’s voice was harsh and shaking slightly while Janus’ was quieter and carking as if he was holding back tears. Virgil frowned, wondering what happened to make them fight on Christmas of all days. He also noticed there was no music in the background. 

He cautiously walks into the living room. Janus nor Remus notice him, too caught up in their argument. 

“G-Guys….?” Virgil speaks up quietly after a while.

The two sides freeze at the familiar voice. They slowly look over at him. For a second no one moves or says anything. Suddenly the two sides rush over to their old friend and hug him tightly. Virgil drops his gifts and hugs them back tightly. They all start crying, the tears holding both joy and sadness. 

Once they finally calm down, the hug is broken. Virgil picks up the gifts and holds them out to them.

“I brought some gifts.”

“Thanks, emo!” Remus says cheerfully as he quickly takes his.

He starts going over to the tree to put it with the other presents. 

Janus takes his, rolling his eyes and jokingly saying, “This better be a good gift or I’ll return you can go back to the Lightsides.”

Virgil laughs, “Yeah, okay, as if you weren’t just crying about me coming back.”

He gets a hiss in response from the snake-like side, which only makes him laugh more. 

Remus then runs up behind Virgil and jumps on his back, making the slightly shorter side yelp and almost fall.

“Remus! You almost killed me!”

“That’s beside the point, Virgin! You owe me a singing battle!!” The demented side loudly exclaims. 

Virgil rolls his eyes, doing his best to hide his fond smile, “Yeah, yeah! Whatever.”

“Before you guys do that,” Janus smirks at them, “Virgil! I have a sweater for you!”

The emo side whines playfully and sniffles dramatically, “Fiiinnnneeee!!”

Janus hands him an ugly sweater/ Virgil quickly puts it on, trying to hold back a laugh when Janus and Remus burst out in laughter. Once they calm down Virgil does that singing contest that he owed Remus. The two of them loudly (and purposely badly) sing “I’m Gonna Kill Santa Clause.” All of a while, Janus dying of laughter in the background at the two sides trying to outsing each other. 

Once they are done, Remus randomly starts singing, “Never Gonna Give You Up,” resulting in Janus throwing a pillow at his face. After the two of them finish throwing the pillow back and forward, they make their way to the kitchen to get some alcohol. Virgil ends up getting half a cup of vodka, Remus gets a whole cup, and Janus just takes a whole bottle. 

While they drink, they sit on the couch, blasting music on multiple speakers. 

Remus smirks after a while, “Hey, emo!!” His voice is full of mischief

Virgil looks at him with suspicion, “What?”

He points up, smirking wider. When Virgil looks up, he sees a mistletoe.

“No! Hell no! I ain’t kissing you! I rather kiss the trash can!”

Remus rolls his eyes and leans on Virgil dramatically, puckering his lips, “Come on Virgie!! It’s the rules!! Give me a kiss!! I’m basically the same as a trash can!!”

Virgil pushes him off the couch, “I don’t give a shit about the rules.”

The crazed side falls onto the floor with a thump, immediately laughing, “Come on Emo! Don’t be so boring!!”

“Oh hush,” Virgil kicks Remus’ sides, making sure not to kick him too hard.

Janus rolls his eyes at the two sides’ antics. 

They all finish their drinks at about 8 p.m. 

“Double Dee!!!!” A tipsy Remus whines, “Can we open the present now!!!”

A now drunk Janus shrugs, “Whatever.”

Remus stands up quickly, “Yay!!! Come on!!!”

He goes to the tree, behaving like a five-year-old. Virgil chuckles and stands up, going over to the tree as well. Janus just stays in his seat, too lazy to stand up.

“I’ll go first!” Remus says, getting one of his gifts, the one Virgil got him, and ripping it open.

The gift was a pink fluffy alpaca plush that smelled like lavender, it’s nose in the shape of a heart.

Remus puts the gift out and looks at Virgil with exaggerated ook of betray, “You leave for a while year and come back with this pink monstrosity!!”

Virgil laughs mischievously, “Merry Christmas!”

“Bitch! You better give me another present before I throw it at your face!” Remus threatens.

“You ungrateful,” Virgil says joking, “Rip the toy open.”

Remus raises a brow but does so happily, when he does, he finds a pocket knife and some slime.

“Fuck yeah! Thanks, loser!” 

“Hurry up and open the rest of the presents slow ass!” Janus cuts in

“Fine, danger noodle!”

He quickly opens the rest of the gifts. There were five in total, one from Virgil, three from Janus, and one that wasn’t labeled but Remus knew it was from Roman. He ended up getting a painting of Remus’ favorite animal from his twin. From Janus, he got a Shrek costume that Remus totally didn’t pressure Janus to buy him, a pet rat, and an avocado as a joke. 

“Your turn Virgil!” Remus looks at him.

“You guys got me gifts?”

Janus sarcastically says, “No. You’re just gotta open some air.”

Virgil huffs, “Calm down there with the sarcasm there Jan.”

He gets his gifts, two of them from Jaus and three of them from Remus. He quickly opens them. From Janus he got a spider plush and a new hoodie to wear with the Lightsides instead of his fully black one. Remus got him a weird body pillow as a joke, which Virgil threw back at him, a My Chemical Romance shirt, and a Jack Skellington figurine. 

“I guess it’s my turn,” Janus says before standing up and getting his gifts. 

He had the one Virgil got him and the three from Remus. Once he finished opening them up, he had a big snake plush from Virgil. From Remus, he got a shirt that said “Snitties” which Janus promised he will never wear, a philosophy book, and a blanket with snakes on it. 

“Come on mom!!! Put the shirt on!!!” Remus begs

“First of all, don’t call me mom,” Janus says flatly, “And Second of all, no. Never in a hundred years.”

Remus continued to try to pursue Janus into wearing the shirt but eventually gave up after half an hour.

 Was now about 10 p.m

“Looks like it’s time for movies and cuddles,” Virgil says as he checks the time.

Remus’s eyes light up with excitement, “Yeah!!”

Janus goes and gets the cookies and hot chocolate from the kitchen before sitting down with a fond smile on his face. 

The two other younger sides sit down, each on one of Janus’ sides. The older sides drapes his new blanket over the three of them and holds them close.

“Let’s watch “A Christmas Carol first!” Remus and Virgil say in unison.

Janus nods, snapping the movie on. For the rest of the night, they continue watching movies, eventually, all of them falling asleep. Virgil completely forgetting he was supposed to return to the Lightsides, Falling asleep with a fond smile on his face, happy he came back to celebrate Christmas with his best friends.

#remus sanders #janus sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #ts remus #ts roman #ts virgil #ts janus #ts patton #ts logan #sympathetic remus #sympathetic janus #my writing

[theygender]

Pet peeve: when someone makes a lyric video on youtube with a really dumb typo and then every other lyric video for that song ends up having the exact same ridiculous typo because they all just assume that's what it actually says

#the biggest and dumbest example I can think of is how every lyric video for rat a tat by fob says 'she's number than gold' #like... the line is 'she's a suicide blonde she's /never been gold/' #what the fuck is 'number than gold' even supposed to mean?? #but it's impossible to find a lyric video for this song that doesn't say that #bc they all just watched the other lyric videos on the site and assumed that that was the actual line so they put it in their video too #despite the fact that google is like. literally right there. it would have been so easy for one of them to just go to azlyrics or something #but no. none of them ever did. so instead we just have 100s of rat a tat lyric videos with the word salad 'number than gold' in them #the most recent one I just found is for the song straightjacket #the real line is 'they were for sleep' (talking about pills) but all the lyric videos I can find say 'they will fool sleep' #what is that even supposed to mean. how does a pill 'fool sleep.' what #rambling #I've never understood why people would do that anyways #like make a new lyric video if they're just gonna copy down all the words from an already existing lyric video #what are you adding to this situation that makes it necessary for you to make a whole new video? #it's the same song. the same lyrics written in the same way all the way down to the letter and the punctuation #when you do that they basically end up just making an exact clone of the lyric video that already existed but with a slightly different fon #idk it just really irritates me #if the people who made these videos had gotten the lyrics off of an actual lyric website instead of just other youtube videos #then we wouldn't have all of this ridiculous ass word salad all over the place #I'm bitter

[illuminated-cowboy]

Stag Serenade

Chapter 1:Take Me Home

Dying is not hard. It never has been, it never will be.

The pain comes before, the anguish of your loved ones, the fear of what lies afterwards. But death, in reality, is as simple as sleeping.

Arthur knew this as he laid down to die. He drew every breath like it was his last, awaiting the inevitable darkness as the sun rose before his eyes.

He had almost believed those tales of your life flashing before your eyes as you pass away. How could anyone know if it was true anyways? Not like anyone had lived to tell the tale.

To live after death, it sounded morbid. But Arthur knew he would live on, in the hearts of those he left behind, through John, through Jack, through Abigail.

He had many regrets, and yet, none of them mattered now.

His eyes closed one final time, his breath growing shallow, his heart slowing down as he prepared to succumb to his illness and his injuries. A comorbidity, he knew he would have kicked that rat’s ass if he wasn’t sick. It would be Micah dying on this mountain had he been a better man sooner, had he thrown Strauss out of camp the moment he found out that he had been lending money to people with no possible way of paying back in a timely manner.

None of that really mattered now, none of it would ever matter again. Arthur righted his wrongs, as much as he could. Perhaps in some cases he only coated ruined lives in a sheet of gold, he hoped at least Mrs. Downes was doing better, despite all the pain and tragedy he had been responsible for.

Arthur’s three final heartbeats rang loud in his ear, the last of his oxygen rich blood pumped through his bloodied face, his ears cold yet burning, a final thump in his chest.

“Hi there.”

With the energy he had felt in his youth, Arthur shot up, bloodshot eyes cleared of redness. The startle seemed to kickstart his heart, he turned around, almost aggravated at the interruption to his rather peaceful death.

“What the hell?”

A man in a top hat and a mustache, striking a similar resemblance to Trelawny, suddenly obscured his vision.

“Goodmorning Arthur,” he spoke with a gentle yet authoritative tone, “lovely day, isn’t it?”

“I guess,” Arthur felt a cough coming on, but before he could react, the feeling had faded, “who the hell are you?”

“Who I am is really not important, Arthur. Who you are, that’s important.”

“Nice to know. Can you go away now,” Arthur readjusted and prepared to lay back on the rock, accepting his death once more, “I kind of have some dying to do.”

“Is that so? Is that what you want?”

“No, but I don’t really have a choice.”

The man smiled, “Do you?”

Arthur sighed and slowly rose again, “Yes, I in fact do, tuberculosis if you must be so inclined.”

“Yes of course, from Mr. Downes.”

Arthur shook his head in frustration, “Who the hell sent you? Did Micah tell you to come up here? Finish me off? I got money in my pocket, whatever you want, just take it. Kill me if you want. Just leave me the fuck alone.”

The man shook his head and took a couple steps towards Arthur before squatting down and reaching for Arthur’s pocket. His icy blue eyes looked at the strange man’s hand in confusion, as when he reached for the lone dollar hanging from his pocket, the dying man realized her couldn’t feel a thing.

“Who the hell are you?” He said with a furrowed brow. The man stood upright again and waved the dollar in the shine of the sunrise, turning the crumbled bill into a fresh crisp one with a simple flick of his wrist.

“Consider me an old friend, Mr. Morgan.”

Arthur sighed, catching on softly but refusing to believe it. He turned around to look at the rock he had been lying on, only to see his mangled body left behind.

To say his concern was vivid would be an understatement, Arthur jumped to his feet, his nonexistent heart beating a million times a minute.

“That’s just residual, it will fade. Your consciousness is used to feeling, well, human. In your next life you’ll have a bit of a different biology. Best get used to forest life, of course.”

Arthur shook his head, denying the reality of his current predicament, “No no, this is just one of them death bed visions, something or other. You ain’t real, I know you ain’t real.”

The man laughed through his nose, a smile gracing his face as his features said “pity.” “That wouldn’t be the first time you’ve said that, Arthur Morgan.”

“Look, maybe you’re a ghost, or an angel or the devil or whatever. If you don’t wanna tell me then it’s your secret to keep. Let’s get to the point, why are you here?”

“I wanted to give you one final choice on your journey, Arthur. That’s what I do, I give choices.”

“Then what’s this choice?”

“Continue living this life, or move onto the next.”

Arthur was sure this was a deathbed vision now. He chuckled and placed his hands on his physically faded hips, “oh boy, so stay on this road or pick a new one, huh? What a choice. What? I get to be a deer? A Bear? Shit in the woods and get shot at all day?” He chuckled again and looked to the sky, “Don’t sound so different from the last life, do it?”

“If you’d really like to know, you’d be a stag, yes. Your life after that would depend upon the way you lived then, and so on and so forth.”

Arthur raised his arms, “so what was I before then?”

The man tapped his chin, “I believe you were a Shire horse, mister Morgan. Your name was Klaus, and you were shot when your owner was robbed.”

Arthur nodded, “sounds about right.”

“I want to make it clear, usually I’ve finished by now and my client will have been in the next life. I share a bit more with those who seem scared-”

“Scared? I ain’t fucking scared, I welcomed death with open arms until your smart ass dropped into the picture.”

The man shook his head and continued, “the choice is yours, Mr. Morgan. The only catch is, well, you will never get the chance to be a stag, or anything else ever again, if you choose option one.”

The blue-eyed man crossed his arms and giggled to himself, “so you’re saying I won’t get to shit in the woods?”

The man sighed, “I feel you aren’t taking this seriously, Mr. Morgan.”

“Sure then,” Arthur said condescendingly, still refusing to fully believe anything he had just been told, “if it so indulges you, I will continue on living as the man I am, and I’ll keep on plundering and raping and making others miserable just as I always have been.”

The man smiled, “oh Arthur, we both know you never had it in you to rape anyone.”

“I’m sure a lot of people would prefer I did in comparison to what I ended up doing to them.”

He nodded, “so, it’s settled then, Mr. Morgan. Immortality is officially yours.”

“So be it,” Arthur walked back to his corpse, attempting to kick his own foot before sitting back down on his own lap and contemplating just how much longer it would be until blackness closed in and he could officially consider himself dead, “Now you son of a bitch, why don’t you take your philosophical bullshit and-” just as he turned to tell the man off, he was gone.

Arthur sat in silence for a moment, attempting to process what had just occurred. 100% this was a deathbed vision, he had no doubt about it. But he could see with his own baby blues, the sun was still rising, the sky was still growing brighter, the clouds shone with vibrant purity. There was no great black sheet of darkness, there was no fading light, there was no death in all his sight.

Unless, this is death? To walk the world a paling ghost, to see his friends continue living, to watch them die, to see the world change before his aquatic eyes.

He waited, and waited. He got up and paced a bit, his body freezing to the touch, and yet, not stiff.

Arthur looked up and saw, suddenly, the bright blue sky was now fading in a glorious sunset. An entire day had passed, and still his body laid there, slumped against a rock, and his faded see-through figure appeared to be getting more and more transparent with each passing minute.

Suddenly, he heard a crack coming from around the corner, along with a grunt and heavy breathing. He turned around and saw none other than Charles, lifting himself up onto the mountain, sweat beading on his forehead.

“There you are, my friend.”

“Charles!” Arthur shouted. The man looked around, the sound of a wolf’s glorious howl seemingly drowning out his voice.

“Charles, I’m right here!” Arthur stepped right up to him, it would be impossible for him to not see. Instead of embracing his friend, Charles stooped low next to Arthur’s body, holding his hand and bowing his head in silence.

In that swift moment, with his brave persona broken to pieces, Arthur realized what was happening.

He was dead. His spirit, on the other hand, was still living.

His emotional heart took over for his real one, and with fear and agony, he screamed at the top of his ghostly lungs, “Hey! Come back! I didn’t want this, bring me back! Kill me! Make me a deer, I don’t want this!”

He turned again to see Charles lifting his dead body up upon his shoulders, and slowly returning down the mountain, leaving Arthur’s vision within seconds.

Instead of following behind to see his own grave, Arthur turned painfully to the sky, feeling the need to berate God for this awkward situation he had found himself in.

“Is this punishment, huh? For the shitty way I lived my life? Is this hell?!”

“It’s not hell, Arthur.”

He turned again, almost relieved to see the strange man appear once more.

The man took his hat off and shook his head, “you were supposed to lay back down into your body, Arthur.”

“How the fuck was I supposed to know that, dumbass?”

“I thought it was obvious, but I apparently need to work a bit harder on my hints.”

Arthur nodded, “you think so?”

“You do realize I could have just left you to suffer for eternity, right?”

“Listen, I change my mind, I don’t want this. I don’t want my old tuberculosis body, I don’t want my old life, just make me a deer or whatever and be done with it.”

“You already made your choice Arthur, it’s a choice you can only make once. So, I suggest you go find your body before your only choices become Mr. Cellophane or the Walking Dead.”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s a bit for you to chew later on, my friend. Now go find your body, lay down in it, and do not leave until you can move in it again. I can only hold off rigor mortis for so long.” He snapped his fingers and with that, he was gone. Arthur frantically turned around, running in the direction he saw Charles go, deciding in a split second that he’d rather live eternity in a body rather than the alternative, even if he did have to cough every five minutes for all of forever.

It was dark now at this point, and despite looking around for any sign of his friend, Charles had made off quickly with his body. He listened for any sound of digging or further grunting, even the whinny of his Appaloosa, but nothing stuck out.

“Fuck this ghost shit.” Arthur muttered under his breath, “Can’t fly, can’t see through shit, can’t walk through anything, can’t tell my friend not to bury my dead body.” He tried to kick a pebble but failed, falling confused as to why some things seemed impassable but others were not.

“I was supposed to die up there and be done with it. Then fucking God, or Jesus, or Satan or whatever, Lucifer comes and curses me,” he looked up at the stars, directing his anger again to whoever may be listening, “I still don’t believe any of this is real, by the way! I know I’m probably drunk in some saloon or some shit, getting’ the crap beat out of me!”

Whether or not he actually believed that, not even he knew.

Awoooooooo

“Get away!”

Arthur heard the faintest scream of his friend, and knew he was in trouble.

He ran down the mountain, feeling like an eagle flying down as he realized he didn’t have to worry about broken bones or getting hurt. A seven-foot jump felt like nothing. If it weren’t for the whole non-existence thing, he might have picked this instead.

He ran in the direction of snarls and shouting. Charles’ horse whinnied and cried out in the night as the sound of a struggle took place. Arthur came across the scene, a massive grey wolf had his arm in it’s mouth, and Charles was backing away, holding a gun and aiming for its head, not even noticing the two wolves coming behind him.

“Goddamnit Charles, just leave my body, save yourself!” He ran closer, realizing he couldn’t do anything to stop the attack, but knowing he had to try.

There was a saying that animals saw spirits, Arthur was in fact a spirit at this point, the next part of that theory was hoping it was true, and if it was, hoping that they cared enough to leave Charles alone.

He sprinted forward, holding out his arms and screaming as loud as he could, hoping to break whatever sound barrier was between this world and his old one.

The wolves perked up their ears, staring at Arthur plain as day, unsure of whether to attack or to respect his stance and leave.

“Get out! Go!”

The one closer to him snarled, and Charles shot his gun, injuring the wolf that had Arthur’s arm in it’s mouth.

The wolf ripped at the flesh sharply and took off running, Charles turned to see the two wolves with a mixture of terror and anger in their eyes.

With a strong breeze, a heavenly fog erupted from the ground, coating Arthur in a powder made of light. Charles covered his mouth in fear and surprise, and behind him came a white stag, large and powerful with golden horns and glowing blue eyes.

“Arthur!” Charles called as the spiritual scene took place. Arthur turned to see him after he had called, seeing his eyes weeping as he witnessed the ghost holding out his arms against the wolves, the stag pierced his mighty hoof through the dirt and let out a low rumble, terrifying like an earthquake but sweet as a song. It sent chills down his spine, and the wolves tucked their tails and ran as far as they could away from the ethereal sight.

Within a moment, the image was gone. Arthur’s silhouette faded with a second gust of wind, and the man was alone again.

Charles fell to his feet, unable to believe the sight he had just seen. But it was real, the wolves had seen him too, they saw the massive buck, and they would have killed him had they not.

“Arthur, if you can hear me,” he looked up to the sky, frantically seeking a sign as he wiped a tear from his eye, “thank you.”

Arthur smiled upon his friend, relieved that he could do something to help, but not even knowing just how he did it. He felt as though he had someone to thank as well, he just didn’t know who yet.

“Tell the others that I miss them too, if you can.”

“If I see them, I’ll let them know.” Arthur said, knowing he couldn’t be heard.

Though his valiant act was well-needed, albeit unexpected, he couldn’t stop Charles from digging him a proper grave. And he didn’t want to, he knew it was his way of saying thank you to the spirit who just saved his life.

So, he watched as Charles took his time, paying respect to his body, and finally, lowering him down into the ground. He wondered away and within a few minutes, he returned with a bouquet of beautiful flowers, and laid them down on the large hump of dirt.

Arthur sighed, trying not to shed a tear at the site. He never felt as cared for as he did now, after he had already died. If he were still alive, with all his human abilities, perhaps he’d already be crying.

“I will be back to give you a nice marker, I’ll build it myself, I promise.”

“I guess there’s no way of convincing you to dig me up now, is there?”

“Thank you again. You were well loved, even if… well… I loved you. You were my brother.” Charles walked away and back to his horse, galloping off into the night.

Arthur watched him riding away, waving an unseen goodbye, unsure if he could return and explain that he was still alive, once he figured out how to get his body back, that is.

#fanfiction #red dead redemption 2 fanfiction #rdr2 fanfic #fanfic #red dead redemption 2 fanfic #rdr fanfic #rdr fanfiction #reddeadredemption fanfiction #red dead redemption fanfic #red dead redemption fanfiction

[percywinchester27]

About a boy (Part-3)

Word count: 3.3K

Warning: Suspense, feels, mention of physical abuse and bullying

Characters: Dean, Cas, Gabriel, Benny, Michael, OCs and… Sam?

Summary: Dean Winchester has a secret. A secret that could really land him in trouble. He never expected to connect with anyone when he walked into the ‘Blue Stone Orphanage for Boys,’ but even then, the walls he has put up are slowly coming down. Now, a series of strange events are threatening to expose him. When everything starts falling apart around him, will he still be able to save the one person that matters the most?

A/N: Many thanks to @thing-you-do-with-that-thing and @deanssweetheart23 for beta reading this story. I love you guys <3

Part 1 Part 2

Cas prayed. Every day. He woke up each morning, sat on the bed with his feet folded Indian style and hands joined in a Namaste. Dean would just look up from his bunk and there he would be meditating on the top in his boxers and a loose tank, eyes closed, back ramrod straight. It was funny, Dean actually cracked a smile.

For the next few days he stuck to Cas. Going around with him to the school which was about a mile and a half away, and then back. Cas didn't seem to mind. In fact, he seemed to enjoy Dean's company. Dean would be lying if he said he had been used to something like that before.

On the outside, it looked like Cas was taking him around the place, showing him the ropes and such, but in the few minutes they managed to snatch away from the prying eye, they were always plotting.

Dean realized one thing. It was hard. Finding Sam was going to be hard as hell. Even harder than what he thought it was going to be. 

Sam had been 6 months old when he was thrown into an orphanage, and as Cas pointed out, it might have been completely another orphanage. He might have been transferred here and it could be as recent as a couple of months ago or as old as a few years. 

Dean was also curious about his fellow roommates. Cas said they were nice boys, but Dean had his reservations. Gabriel, or Gabe, as Cas called him, was loud and obnoxious, he had the cheesy behavior, but his whiskey colored eyes were always full of mischief, like he knew something about you that you didn't know yourself. His brown hair was on the longer side, and his smile dripped cunningness. Gabriel's bed was always littered with chocolate wrappers. Even though it was against the rules to get stuff like that from outside, no one seemed to rat Gabriel out. It was as Cas had said, he had one up on everyone. Gabriel didn't show any particular interest in wanting to get to know Dean, and Dean was thankful for that. Gabriel smelled trouble, and he didn't want any of it.

The other roommate was silent and kept to himself, but that made Dean even more wary of him. Benny wasn't in the face like Gabe, but he was just there, observing everything quietly. It was unsettling, like everything he did was being watched, was being noted. To add to that, he never seemed to sleep… like some sort of a vampire. It was disconcerting enough that he was now confiding everything in Cas when he had promised himself that this was going to be his own battle to fight. Now he had gone ahead and included Cas in it.

But, boy, it relieving. 

Cas was just as excited to find Sam. He went over the whole management system with Dean. The place was owned by a Styne family. The head, Eldon, barely ever showed, about twice or thrice in a year. Andy was the one who managed everything. He knew that Michael and his little parade of goons were up to something, but as long as everyone remained scared of Michael, it maintained the place in order, so he turned a blind eye towards that, until something brought it to glaring attention, like Gabriel's little stunt the other day would have.

In the coming week, Dean learnt the hierarchy. Michael's two main supports were Gary and Raphael. Cas had warned him to not cross paths with them, because after what had happened, they wouldn't waste a second before ratting him out.

It was Cas' brilliant plan to sneak into the record room in the evening when everyone was out in the grounds playing and having fun. It would have worked well, but just as they were about to sneak into the record room, Andy called out to them.

"Winchester!"

Dean stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes, praying that he wouldn't get caught. 

"What're you doing here?" Then Andy realised that Dean wasn't alone. "You're hanging out with Castiel?"

"Is that a bad thing?" Cas asked, voice feebly brave.

Andy smirked. "Not really. Didn't expect you to hang out is all. What're you doing inside at this time?"

"Thought I'd take Dean around the library," Cas managed, effortlessly.

The older man eyed them, especially Cas, then shrugged. "Fine, if you're gonna nerd out together. Just lock the door when you're done. I'm not waiting back till you two are done. I have a hot date."

That was too much information, but the moment Andy turned, Dean exchanged an excited look with his friend. They were alone now. 

Ascertaining that Andy was truly gone, the two of them rushed to the record room and shut the door behind them, facing the rows and rows of filing.

"This is going to take ages, isn't it?" Dean mumbled.

A corner of Cas' mouth pulled down. "Guess so."

They set to work anyway, trying to figure out the system of filing. After half an hour of going through the pile, Dean finally said out loud what was on his mind. "Why did Andy sound like he wasn't expecting me to hang out with you?"

Cas wasn't visible to Dean, as he was working on the rack after his, but his hushed voice was still audible. "Let's just say I'm not the most sought out kid here."

"What does that mean?"

A sigh.

"This place is like the jungle. Survival of the fittest and all that… You look like you could fit right in with the predators."

What Cas meant was pretty clear. Dean gave off that vibe, what with the sullen looks and his dad's overlarge leather jacket, he would be expected to hang out with idiots like Michael and his gang. He would be expected to give in to their stupid initiation test, lick Michael's ass and raise to the ranks of the bullies instead of being bullied.

"I'm the nerd of sorts. I let people be," Cas added.

Something still didn't add up. From what Dean had seen, Cas wasn't a bully, but he wasn't bullied either.

"That first night," Dean said slowly, weighing his words, "Michael could have easily hurt you, or his guy Gary, instead they just restrained you and shoved you around. Why?"

Another sigh. Apparently Dean was asking all the questions that Cas didn't want to answer… but he did anyway.

"Michael and I… Well, we go back a long way. We come from the same orphanage. I've known him as long as I remember… He's the closest thing that I have to a…"

"Brother," Dean completed. The word hung awkwardly between them.

"He's not a bad person," Cas said, "Just angry and bitter. Life hasn't been fair to him."

Who had life been fair to? Dean thought. If that had been the case, none of the 712 boys would be rotting here at the home. He didn't say that out loud though.

"I figured it out!" Cas exclaimed, all of a sudden. "I figured out the filing system!"

He bent around the rack to see Dean, blue eyes wide with excitement. "These are stacked according to the year. That means the one who came first, the box would be at the very end."

"Great!" Dean groaned. "Now we have to find out when Sam got put into this one, too."

*******************************

It took more than a couple of weeks.

Mostly because Andy didn't have a date everyday to abandon his post, but also because Dean had his share of duties, too. The cleaning, the washing, the babysitting duties for the little kids. 

Sometimes, Gary and Raphael would cross him in the corridors, a few more of the older kids would give him looks, but for the most part everyone just ignored him. Who was he but another sheep added to an overly large flock? No one cared.

He quickly realised one thing though, if it hadn't been for Cas, it would have been a lonely existence. Gabriel, he learned, had been from the same orphanage as Cas, too. They had been transferred here about 8 years back. Benny was new, but Benny also didn't care. The place could go down in a tornado and he still wouldn't care.

Through the chores, the school and the scheming, Dean couldn't help but look around the kids bunking on the 4th floor, searching for eyes that looked like his, a gait like his or a crooked smile here and there. There were at least 100 of them aged 11 to 14. How was he ever going to find Sam.

"Tell me what you remember about him most clearly?" Cas asked one evening as he dumped the contents of pale brown box on the floor of the record room.

Dean thought for a second before replying. "I think it's the smile."

"Smile?" Cas asked pleasantly surprised.

"Yeah. I'd tell him that we could practice ball when he grew up and he'd recognize my voice and smile."

That wasn't a helpful detail. Cas knew all the kids, but that didn't help if Dean couldn't remember how to pinpoint it. There had to be something distinctive about him that Dean could remember. Something that would help.

"Tell you what? If you keep going at it, you'll remember something helpful I'm sure."

The comment was encouraging but Dean wasn't sure if he had it in him.

"So, what's your story?" Dean asked, more to distract Cas from the conversation.

"My story?"

"Yeah."

Cas scratched his black hair. "There is nothing to it. My memory begins in an orphanage. Seems like my folks weren't interested in me from the get go."

Must be hard, Dean thought, to know that you were never  loved enough. Sure he had to deal with the searing pain of losing his mom and dad like that, but at least he knew it in his bones that they had loved him. Did that make losing them worse? Probably. But was the possibility of love better than never having been loved at all?

"So who gave you your name?"

Cas surprised Dean by grinning sheepishly. "Someone at the old orphanage was a bible freak. They named all the kids after angels. Michael, Rapahel, Gabriel, Castiel… see where this is going? Basically, if you find a biblical name around here, you know where the kid came from, yeah? Kind of makes the distinction easy. Right, Dean… Dean?"

Dean had gone shock still.

"Dean, you okay?"

"How old were you when you came here?" Dean asked, urgently, dread growing in his chest.

"4 months," Cas answered, "We found my file the other day, didn't we?"

"Yes! But we went through all the files from that year and we didn't find Gabriel's. He was put in the same year, too. That means-"

"There are missing records?" Cas completed, voice hollow. 

Dean stumbled back into the cabinet, the file he was holding slipping out of his hand. If Sam's records were misplaced, they could go through these files their whole life and never find Sam.

"Don't give up, Dean," Cas whispered, but the words fell on deaf ears. He should have known that this was too good to be true, too easy. As if just by looking at all these folders he was supposed to find his brother.

As if after everything, things were just going to go back to normal.

Dean skipped dinner that night. Cas called him, but he just pretended to be asleep, till Cas had gone away. The darkness of the room wasn't enough to shroud the hopelessness that he felt within. What was he doing in this alien place. Dean didn't belong here. He missed the dry heat of the place that he thought of as home, now. Missed the stains of dark grease, the damn smell of a garage on rainy thundering nights. 

It was thundering that night, too.

The sky cracked and lightening thundered in the dark sky. Dean held on to the crib tighter.

"Shhhh… Sammy," he said running his fingers over his brothers forehead. "It's gonna be alright."

"C'mon, let's say goodnight to your brother," his mom reminded him lovingly from behind as she turned the lights off. 

Dean leaned over and kissed Sam on his forehead. "Night, Sam."

"Good night, love," his mom said, lightly brushing Sam's brown hair back, and following Dean's suit and kissing him, too. Dean pushed back into her. He loved the way his mom smelled. Tangy like apples.

"Hey, Dean."

Dean turned to see his dad standing in the doorway, a light smile playing on his lips. Dean immediately rushed over and threw himself at him. "Daddy!"

His dad scooped Dean up. "Hey buddy!" Then he raised his hand, which Dean high-fived.

"So what do you think? You think Sammy's ready to toss around a football yet?"

Dean turned back to look and his little brother, then shook his head, laughing. "No, Daddy."

Dad laughed. "I don't think so, either."

Just then mom passed them both, ruffling his hair. "You got him?" She asked dad.

"I got him," dad winked at Dean, then looked over at Sammy. "Sweet dreams, Sam."

He's asleep soon. Then awake. Too suddenly.

His mom screamed.

"No! Mary!" His dad yelled "No!"

Dean jumped out of bed and ran towards the noise. His mom and dad sounded scared. It was too warm… hot.

There was a fire in Sam's room, Dad was there… no mom.

"Dean!" His dad called.

"Daddy!"

His dad was scared, sweating and hurt. In his hand was a little bundle. Sammy.

He thrust Sam into Dean's hands, his back to the blazing fire. Dean's eyes were burning. He couldn't see mom.

"Take your brother outside as fast as you can and don't look back! Now, Dean, go!"

Dad pushed him hard, towards the stairs. He held Sam tightly and made a run for it, till he was outside the door and into the lawn.

"It's okay, Sammy," he whispered. "I gotcha."

Then the window blasted and the whole house exploded in fire.

Dean sat up bolt in his bed, sweating, heart trying to beat out of his chest. He blinked his eyes not just to be rid of the moisture there but also to figure out where the hell he was. It took a couple of seconds, but then it all came to him. He was at a boys' home. Cas was snoring lightly above him. Gabriel not so lightly next to him.

The tiny digital clock on the rickety table read 00:17.

Dean tried to breathe normally, but gave up after a couple of minutes. He wasn't going to get any peace with the rate at which his heart was going, or how clammy he suddenly felt. The very dread he had been trying to run away from all evening, had finally caught up with him and how.

Denial was a crappy coping mechanism. He knew that, he had always known that. But what else did he have?

Getting up, he made his way to the bathrooms at the very end of the corridor, and splashed water on his face. Dean immediately felt a little better. The cold water seemed to help with frayed nerves. So, he splashed his face once more, running the water over his hands too. Not knowing what else to do, he strolled along the long passageway and came to rest in front of the staircase grill that locked everyone on to the floor. The light breeze coming in from the window opposite to the grill was calming. Dean slid down along the length of the grill to the floor, staring up at the dark sky, barely illuminated by the crescent shaped moon.

"Can't fall asleep?" The quiet voice made him jump out of his skin.

"What the fuck!" Dean swore, his barely in control heartbeat accelerating again, as he tried to look for the person in the dark.

"Sorry," the voice apologized sincerely. "I didn't mean to scare you or anything."

Dean squinted in the darkness, finally spotting the person. On the other side of the grill, on the opposite end from him was another shadow, mirroring his exact pose, huddled with his back against the grill.

"I can't sleep, either," the kid said, not deterred by Dean's lack of response. "Still, sorry for creeping up on you."

"That's okay," Dean said, not wanting to give away that he actually had been frightened.

"You new?"

Dean shrugged, then remembered it was actually too dark to see anything. "Yeah."

"It can be hard," the boy said. "Lot of new admits find it  tough to adjust."

Was the kid patronising him?

"Not much of a talker, I see," said the kid. "I'm gonna shut up now."

It made Dean smirk despite himself. "What're you doing up?"

The voice perked up at some response. "I got a math Olympiad, tomorrow. I suck at it."

"You're up because you're nervous about a silly test?"

It brought Dean up short. It shocked him that there were kids here with normal fears, like tests and exams. Not everyone was on a mission to find long lost brothers. How stupid of him to just overlook that? It made him feel out of place.

"Like you've never been worried about an exam before? And it’s not a  silly test, It could be my one way ticket into a University." He'd offended the kid. Must be what? Around 11 or 12 years of age. Couldn't be less than that since he bunked on the 4th floor.

"You're just like the other big guys," the kid muttered. 

"It's not like that," Dean said. "I'm just distracted." Why was he explaining this to the kid anyway?

"That's fine," came the reply, chirpy again, apparently satisfied with Dean's half-hearted explanation. "I know the sort of crap that goes on up on your floor."

"Know something about that, huh?"

"Everyone does."

Fair enough. "I'm not a favourite," Dean warned. "It'd be better for you to not be found chumming up with me."

"I don't care." The answer was firm. steely. "I hate bullies."

The word 'hate' somehow sounded harsh coming from a soft voice like that. Dean had to raise an eyebrow.

They sat in silence for a while. Dean let his mind wander through all that had happened today. Sam's smile kept invading his mind. His light eyes, his brown hair.

"Brown hair!" Dean yelped.

"What?" 

"Nothing," Dean said, more to himself than the kid. "He had brown hair." Like their dad's… lighter, but still definitely brown.

Dean couldn't give up now. Not when he was already in here. He couldn't stop looking for Sam. If he didn't give it his best shot, he'd regret it all his life. He would go through every damn file, tear the place apart if it means that he could find his brother again.

"Are you alright?" The voice on the other side sounded vaguely concerned, as if not anxious about Dean per se, but doubting his mental health.

Dean didn't care. At last, he could actually breathe. Freely.

"Hey, kid, thanks!"

"For what?" Perplexed.

"Nothing," Dean almost grinned. "Good luck with your test… uh Olympiad tomorrow," he said, getting up and dusting his clothes.

"Thanks, I guess?" The voice trailed behind him as Dean walked back to his room. He fell on the bed fully clothed.

Tomorrow would be a new day, and he would try again… and again and again till he succeeded.

******************************

A/N 2: I really really hope y’all like this story!! Please let me know what you think… the feedback is what keeps me going :)

If you wanna be tagged, please send me an ask

About a Boy taglist:

 @sdavid09​ @deanssweetheart23​ @blacktithe7​ @thing-you-do-with-that-thing​ @cosicas-cuquis​ @chalicia​  @anathewierdo​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​ @protectteamfreewill​ @firefly124-writing​ @spnbaby-67​ @hoboal87​ @rizlow1​ @donnaintx​ @starmission​ @gh0stgurl​ @tftumblin​ @emily-a-c11​ @ericaprice2008​ @jotink78​ @charliebradbury1104​ @ohgodwhybloggg​ @i-dont-get-cold​  @bobbie3939​

#dean winchester fanfiction #spn fanfiction #dean fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester #Ana writes Dean #Ana writes aab #aab 3 #anawrites #anawritesspn #q

[moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown]

She is my friend (a story Billy x Reader based on Runaway Max)

This is a story based on the book Runaway Max. So it’s from the POV and voice of Max. Like the book is. It’s a Billy x Reader with a slightly described female reader.

Please send asks and tell me what ya think of this. I like hearing what people have to say about my writings. 🥰

Warnings: none to speak of yet.

Tags: @hotstuffhargrove @hargrovesprincess @bookofreid

I had met her the day billy and Neil had moved into our house. Neil has looked at her as if he hopped she would disappear along with everything that came along with her.

She had walked into the house after my mom had let her in, Neil was at work and billy was in the garage, I had assumed she was just another Carl’s Jr. parking lot fling, but no, she was actually Billy’s full on girlfriend. I wanted to ask her if she was crazy since she was dating Billy, but oddly enough they shared the same heavy eyed stare, except hers was softer, a small smirk on her lips. She was everything I had expected Billy to date, not like the random flings I had heard about him having.

The girls with teased up perms and bright blue or green eyeshadow. No she was far cooler then any of them I had seen fawning over Billy.

She had dyed orange and yellow hair, like Cindy Lauper, except she never crimped it like her, low lidded eyes rimmed with black pencil, it always looked like it was from a day or two prior never freshly applied like you would think was important to girls. Her lip was even pierced! Right through the middle, I had seen rocker girls and even surf rats with piercings some through there nose or eyebrow, but never through the middle of there bottom lip. She had said she just felt like it would look good, her piercer just shoved the needle right through.

I figured it was because she was from New York. Her dad and mom moved around a lot apparently. She had the kind of accent that I hear on TV movies. The kind my dads favorite comedians always mimic. She was shorter then billy, but held the same kind of energy as him. Her voice was slow, and seemed to rasp instead of how my moms or the woman who tried to sell her Avon sounded. I would learn later she was also moving to Hawkins. Her dad was a scientist with the military, her mom was an army nurse. Hawkins has a military lab for something or other so at least I had something good when we moved. Even if it was attached to billy 100% of the time.

Of all the times she would come over the first time was the weirdest. She had walked through the kitchen, her hair pulled up, her eyes still holding the smudged remains of yesterday’s eyeliner. Bitten red color on her lips, like a stain from eating an all red popsicle. Maybe that’s what she did before she came here. She had tight jeans on, boots over them hiding the pant cuff, they looked like Billy’s almost, but made for girls feet, she had a flannel tied around her waist. A bright white tank top on tied in the back and tucked up. It was a hot day even for California summer. She nodded as my mom told her where billy was, working on his car just like normal, he had been gifted the keys back from Neil just a day or two before.

“And this is Maxine my daughter” why my mom introduced me was beyond me, she wasn’t here to be my friend. A small lopsided smile hit her face nodding the same way billy had at fort fun when we first had met. Her lip piercing moved when she smiled.

“Cool to meet ya Maxie” holding her hand out. I could see faint black marks on her pointer, middle and ring finger, faded and sloppy. I took her hand shaking it

“Just Max.” She laughed nodding again

“Feisty, I like that. Keep that spirit Max, need more like that now a days” taking her hand back I wanted to ask what she meant but she was already walking toward the garage her hands tucked in her pockets, bag swinging against her hip. I stood mesmerized by her for a few seconds, her foot steps were quiet and for a small moment I fantasized about her teaching me everything to be like her. Her careless breeze of an attitude, she was like Janis Joplin or Joan Jett.

The squeal that came next was of happiness I assumed, looking down towards the garage door from my spot at the dining table I could see Billy’s back, his smudged white tank top and her hands around his shoulders, a cigarette sat between her marked fingers. I could already tell they were kissing, Billy had picked her up by the waist and now they were making out. Gross.

Of all the things about Billy, his friends, his attitude, she was the best thing. She never called me ‘kid’ only Max or Maxie, she ruffled my hair when she would walk past me to go to Billy’s room or the garage, not in the same way that Neil did, hers was like a big sister doing it to a younger sibling, always a smile and a wink as she walked by. She bought me comics for my birthday, and told me about new music she thought I would like, she even got me a tape of Joan Jett, saying my attitude reminded her of the legend herself. Though I barley believed that.

She was over every day in the summer, sitting on the steps of the garage talking to Billy as he worked on his car, every so often coming back in to pee or grab a drink.

“Hey Maxie, I heard you skateboard.” She had leaned against the sink, a cup of water in her hand, her rings clanking against the glass.

“Yeah” smirking she looked around

“If ya ever want to go to the skate park near the mall, the underground one, I’ll take you, my friend skates there, I can for sure get ya in. And make sure no dick heads with hair to there ass messes with ya. If ya want to just let me know” and with that she walked back out to the garage, a cup filled with ice water for Billy, her wink and smirk blazed into my mind.

Of all the things Billy brought with him, his attitude, anger and loud music, his far too fast car. She was the best. She was the one thing that was Billy’s but I felt I also had a small piece of. She was even like a friend.

She is a friend. My friend.

#billy hargrove #billy hargove x reader #stranger things #steanger things season 3 #st3 #runaway max #max mayfield #dacre x reader #dacre montgomery

[alindakb]

Letters to my Parents - Sunday 20 February 1994 - by Alinda

Sunday 20 February 1994

Dear mom and dad,

My Patronus lessons aren’t going as great as I would like. Draco has no problem conjuring his Patronus. The Tigress is beautiful and always drives the Dementor away. I, on the other hand, are only capable of producing an indistinct, silvery shadow that won’t do anything. It just makes the Dementor hover in place, draining me until I almost pass out. Draco gives me disappointing looks after each lesson. I think he knows that I secretly desire to hear your voices again. Professor Lupin is really proud of both of us. He told me that it’s a huge achievement for a thirteen-year-old wizard to produce an indistinct Patronus. He had complete confidence in me, that I would be okay during the Quidditch match against Ravenclaw. Well, I was, but not thanks to my Patronus, no it was Draco that saved me.

Professor Lupin told us about the Dementor’s Kiss. I don’t think he really wanted to, but I asked him what was under the hood of a Dementor. When a Dementor kisses you it sucks out your soul. It sounds horrible. You won’t be dead, just soulless. You’ll have no more sense of self or any memories. And your soul will be lost forever. Hermione once said something about the importance of souls, that our magic is connected to our souls somehow. I can’t remember it correctly anymore. Lupin said that the Ministry plans to give Sirius Black the Dementor’s Kiss when they find him. I told Lupin he deserves it. Lupin was really shocked when I said that. Draco took my hand and squeezed it tightly then, forcing me to shut my mouth. I was not supposed to know about how Black had betrayed both of you.

That same day I also got my hands again on my Firebolt. Professor Snape told us that there was nothing wrong with it at all and that I have a very good friend somewhere. I couldn’t believe it when it was in my hands again. Draco was stroking the twigs at the end, just as in awe as me. We took it down into our common room. The moment I stepped inside I was flooded by people wanting to see my Firebolt. Marcus asked if he could just touch it, to know that it’s really real. Adrian was sure we would win from Ravenclaw now with no problem since they are all on Cleansweep Sevens. It took forever, with the Firebolt being passed around and admired from every angle by the crowd before Draco and I could get to our dormitory.

Madam Hooch, who’s still overseeing our practices to make sure I don’t get killed, was also impressed with the Firebolt and gave us her professional opinion. She kept on going on about different brooms until Marcus asked if I could get my broom back so we could practice. Marcus informed us that Cho Chang was fit enough again to play as seeker in the game and that me being gay was a great advantage. I won’t be distracted by her good looks. I think Marcus thinks she’s pretty. She’s a fourth-year, so maybe a little too young for him, but the entire team agrees he has the hots for her.

After Marcus his little speech I could finally mount my Firebolt. And it was better than I’d ever dreamed. It turns with the lightest touch and seems to obey my thoughts rather than my grip. It’s so fast that the stadium turned into a green-and-grey blur. It was so easy to catch the snitch now that I had a broom this amazing. The other members of the team also seemed inspired by the presence of the Firebolt and performed their best moves faultlessly. After I got the snitch for the third time I just hovered in the air to see Draco fly and practice his moves. Because I braid his hair only at the front it still sweeps behind him when he flies and he looks so beautiful when he does. I wanted to fly up to him and jump him right then and there.

I’ve been thinking about it, touching Draco, seeing him without his clothes. Ever since Christmas. And during our Valentines date, I found out he thought about it too. We had a lovely picnic beside the lake. Draco had managed to get an order in for picnic food from Hogsmeade. It was lovely. After we finished the food we took a walk around the lake until we ended up at the Quidditch changing rooms. Draco pushed me inside and we started snugging. And before I knew it Draco was pushing my sweater over my head and stroking his hands all over my bare torso. Well, I’m sure you don’t want to read all the details. It ended with Draco’s shirt on the ground too and his hand down my trousers, wrapped around me. Fuck, that felt good, to have his hands on me. I repaid him the favour after the match against Ravenclaw and I can say it’s just as hot as having his hands on me.

On the day of the match, Marcus placed my Firebolt on the breakfast table. Most students loved how the other house stared at it jealously. Marcus was most pleased with Wood’s disbelieved reaction. They are both so determent to win the cup this year it’s has become a dangerous rivalry. I believe professor Snape had to stop the two from fighting in his class the other day. Wood thinks it’s unfair I fly a Firebolt, that it gives Slytherin an unfair advantage. Diggory, the team captain of Hufflepuff is a lot nicer. He came by to congratulate me on my new broom. He even apologised again for not realising I fell off my broom when he caught the snitch in our last game. I told him it was fine as long as he would lose all his other games. He laughed and said he couldn’t promise anything.

Nott and Crabbe had to say so stupid things before the match, asked me if the new broom came with a parachute, just in case the Dementors come near me. Draco told them to shut their mouth and pulled out his wand. Adrian and Miles also took out their wants and said it would be fun to hex them back into the dungeons. I’ve heard that Nott wanted to try out for the team this year for the seeker position and was that he’s been angry about me getting the spot without any try-outs.

The game started out good. Lee Jordan, a friend of Fred and George was commenting and had to be reminded a couple of times to stop advertising the Firebolt and focus on the game instead. I just flew around, looking for the golden snitch. Chang was a good flier and followed me around the pitch. The most fun in the game was every time I passed Draco, seeing he was in possession of the Quaffle and he would blow me a small kiss. He scored the first goal of the game and most of the goals for Slytherin after that. He’s really the star of our team and I’m so proud of him.

It was hard to find the snitch. Every time I saw it and tried to go for it, either a Bludger or Chang would block my way. Marcus yelled at me to stop being a gentleman and just knock Chang of her broom. His crush completely forgotten. I followed his advice and did a nice dive, Chang followed me and struggled to get out of the dive when I did. Then I saw the snitch and accelerated towards it. Chang was falling far behind and I knew I was going to get it. Then Chang screamed and I looked around quickly. There were a couple of Dementors looking at me and without thinking I pulled out my wand to perform the Patronus charm, only Draco beat me and his beautiful Tigress charged at the Dementors. I turned back to the snitch, didn’t even wait to watch what would happen to the Dementors. I just wanted to win this match, so I reached out and grabbed the snitch. Madam Hooch blew her whistle and in seconds Draco’s mouth was on mine. He kissed me midair to loud chairs of all the Slytherins. I knew they chaired because we had won, but still, it was amazing. The rest of the team joined us in the air and they all hugged me. Marcus kept yelling that he knew the gay duo was the best.

When we got down to the ground the Slytherin supporters came sprinting towards us, all shouting and chairing. Blaise was so happy because he had a bet going with Luna on who would win. Professor Snape was also between the students and congratulated us on the win and told Draco he showed some proper spell work with his Patronus charm. His eyes kept flickering between me and Draco and it felt like he was worried. I said the Dementors didn’t even affect me this time and that’s when Professor Snape showed us who the Dementors had been. It was Wood, the team captain of Gryffindor, together with Nott and Crabbe. Professor McGonagall was shouting at them and gave them all detention. Unfortunately, she also took 100 points from our house because of it. When Marcus saw Wood struggling to remove himself from a long, black, hooded robe he just stormed away, screaming something about that Wood was a pussy for trying to sabotage the Slytherin team.

After that day, Nott and Crabbe avoid the common room and sit alone during meals. None of the other Slytherins like it that they almost destroyed our chances to win the Quidditch Cup this year. Draco says it’s deserved after everything they did to me, but I feel sorry for them. I know how hard it is when the rest of your house hates you. I hope everyone just forgets about it soon and things go back to normal.

On our way back to the castle Hermione came to congratulate us on our win. She told me her friendship with Ron is totally history now. She never wants to talk to Ron again. He accused her cat Crookshanks of eating his rat Scabbers. She had a whole speech for Draco and I that Ron has no proof that Crookshanks had eaten Scabbers and that Ron has been prejudiced against her cat ever since Crookshanks had landed on Ron’s head in the Magical Menagerie.  When I later talked to Neville, he explained that Ron hasn’t found Scabbers as of yet and that he has solid proof. It turns out his sheet had blood on it, and Crookshanks’ hairs were found at the scene. I told Hermione that maybe Ron was right and she just yelled at me. That off course all of it was her fault and that I should just leave her alone. I think her massive workload is catching up with her. She didn’t even want to join the party we had after the Quidditch match, said she had to read a book for Muggle studies before Monday. So after our last Transfiguration lesson this week, I waited till everyone left the classroom and told Professor McGonagall that I’m worried about Hermione taking on to many classes. She said she would have a talk with Hermione and make sure she’s fine. I hope Hermione won’t hate me for looking out for her, I just miss my best friend. Remember that I was supposed to meet up with her after my last letter, well she never showed up. She had fallen asleep on her books in the Gryffindor common room.

The day after the match we heard that Black and broken into Gryffindor tower. He had torn Ron’s bed hangings. Neville told us all about it, said Black had a knife and that it was all his fault. He had lost the piece of paper with the passwords for that week and that is how Black had gotten into Gryffindor tower. He’s banned from any more Hogsmeade visits this year. I felt really sorry for him when he got a howler from his grandmother.

Ever since that night, there are more security measures. Filch is boarding up every little crack in the walls he can find. It’s kind of funny to watch. Also, we had a little meeting with our Slytherin friends. We didn’t invite Hermione and Luna, not sure if they will agree to help or even keep their mouth shut. We are working on a plan to find Black and give him the punishment he deserves. Daphne and Greg had some very good ideas and Blaise wondered if he could get some tips from his mother on how to best kill Black. Really, Blaise and his mom their relationship is a mystery to me. Who would ask his own mother on tips of how to kill someone? But more to the point, we have a plan at the ready, we just need to get all our supplies during our next trip to Hogsmeade.

Draco is really confused as to why Black went for the Gryffindor tower and Ron. Keeps muttering there needs to be an explanation as to why Black isn’t going after me. That by now Black most have realised I’m not in Gryffindor but in Slytherin. He’ll figure it out soon enough and enlighten me about it all, until then I know it’s best to just let him stew on it.

I’m going off to bed now. Love you both,

Harry James Potter.

#letters to my parents #drarry #Harry Potter #Draco Malfoy #harry in slytherin #quidditch #patronus #sirius black #AlindasStories

[datura-foxglove]

Analysis about Fyodor's ability Crime & Punishment? Any interesting though?

Guys, I just said that Fyodor and Hunting Dogs have appeared too short for me to be able to make a good analysis for it :’D . But I will try, although this will be less of analysis and more of speculations.

All of the photos here are from easygoingscans, @dazaiscans​, and kissanime.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, the current main villain and also Dazai’s rival in ‘my keikaku is better than your keikaku’ as Lea, bless her genius mind, has said. His Ability, Crime and Punishment, is one of the most mysterious Ability given that he only uses it two times. TWO. FREAKING. TIMES. It’s amazing how much damage he inflicts on Yokohama while only using his Ability two times. And those two times are for unimportant things.

Fyodor’s Ability, as shown in the images below, enabled him to kill with just a touch (are you Light Yagami from Death Note? But if Light needs his book you just touches them?). The touch disregard layers of clothing, as seen that the soldier got killed despite wearing protective clothing. It’s unclear whether this also affect people shielded by Ability like Akutagawa’s space tear.

So far he only kills people that he touches, but it’s unclear whether he still hide other ways he can kill people. After all, he said it himself.

So, it won’t surprise me at all if he suddenly show another Ability and smirks haughtily and says ‘no, when did I ever say that my Ability is to kill people. It’s you who thinks so’.

But if his Ability truly enables him to kill someone with just a mere touch, disregarding protective clothing, then he is one of the most dangerous Ability user. It’s unknown what is the needed factor for him to be able to kill someone so easily, but @blackandwhitemusician has discussed this question before. There is speculations that Fyodor’s Ability kill people who has ‘sins’ and his Ability ‘punish’ them with death. Since ‘sins’ are a very vague concept and Fyodor himself seems to have a very different moral compass than normal people, it seems that the guilt of the target of his Ability is the one who killed them. The way of dead of the target is according to the ‘sins’ the target felt, since they pointed out that in the first picture of Fyodor’s victim, his collar (which is the proof of his slavery) came off.

I kinda want to argue that the boy himself said that the collar won’t come off and it’s not that releasing the collar will kill him. Maybe it’s more because Ace and him died that the collar got loose, but again, with Fyodor I’m not 100% sure.

That theory can only be proven if Fyodor touches someone like Atsushi who has many guilt in his life (despite being innocent and none of the bad things in his life happening is from his fault). Or Dazai, who also has distorted morals. But Dazai is immune to Fyodor’s Ability. Maybe Mori?

Also, there is the question why in Dead Apple only Fyodor’s Ability is so friendly with him while other’s Ability (again, except Dazai) all went for their blood. And then there is this famous scene.

Fyodor said that he is crime, while his Ability is the punishment. And that crime and punishment are good friends. If punishment won’t punish crime, then what does his Ability punish in other people? Their ‘sins’? He also said this.

He said that the crime was thinking and breathing, but isn’t thinking and breathing what makes human alive? Then does he punish them for being alive at all? He said that he wants to get rid of Ability user from the world, and while maybe Ability user are not all innocent, why? Even normal people constantly do crime in BSD.

...wait, this is getting out of hand. I’m speculating his Ability, not Fyodor himself. But I think his Ability ties strongly with his mindset... argh, this is why I don’t want to analyze Fyodor too much. I should already know from experience that trying to understand people like Fyodor will only get me headache and more confused.

Let’s move on, shall we? Hmm... if he has to touch people to kill them, then people with Abilities that enables them to fight from range is fantastic. Akutagawa, Kyouka, Chuuya, Kunikida, Hirotsu, etc is perfect for the job. But if his Ability also affect them if he touches their Abilities, then everyone has to put aside their Abilities and use guns or knives instead. Now that I think about it, this method of fighting is the same if one wants to kill Dazai. And also just like Dazai, this boss of the rats also always hide and never show himself on the battlefield unless he is 100% sure he is going to win. I mean, he is playing a freaking cello when the ADA was running around like headless chicken trying to find him.

So yeah, to beat this guy you literally need Dazai. No Dazai, no dead Fyodor. While other Ability user may beat him in a fight, but he is so cunning he can beat Ranpo in mind games. (It makes me wonder why Dazai don’t just... bring Kunikida or Akutagawa with him or at least a gun when he met with Fyodor rather than just let himself being shot by a sniper. If he kills Fyodor at that moment, they will have less trouble now. But of course, what is a normal human being like me can even try to understand the mind games of geniuses like Fyodor and Dazai lol)

Although, unlike Dazai whose Ability is always active, Fyodor seems to be capable to activate it at will. When the boy was drying Fyodor’s hair with a towel, he didn’t die. So maybe someone can touch Fyodor without dying if Fyodor didn’t see the need to kill them. I mean, can you imagine going to town and every people that accidentally bump into you dying?

I think that’s all. If Fyodor somehow show us more of his Ability in the future maybe I can make analysis of it, but for now this speculations is all I can give.

#bungou stray dogs #fyodor dostoyevsky #crime and punishment #ability analysis #bsd spoilers #ask #kenix27

[queengeekrose]

My silent struggle

I have a secret.  It’s one no one, not even my own family, who lives in the same house with me, has figured out, until very recently when I talked to them and told them, and it’s one I’m not proud of.  It’s time I talked about it.

It’s not exactly a secret that I’m overweight.  I have been my whole life.  I was even a very large newborn.  I get it.  And with my other health restrictions, I can’t exactly get a lot of exercise or move around a lot.  I have never been a gym rat or a fitness queen.  Everyone who knows me knows this.  Having asthma didn’t help these matters any either -- it’s hard to get excited about trying to do something that makes it hard to breathe.  I was also never particularly gifted at most sports or coordinated.  Let’s call a spade a spade here.  I’m clumsy and some of the other things going on in my life made that worse.  Anyway, I’m not athletic.  I don’t exercise much.  It’s hard for me to lose weight.  So I’ve always been called fat or chubby, or tubby, or plump (one of the kinder ones, usually by friends parents), or round, or rolly polly, or chunky, or some other, less than kind way of saying the same thing.  I mean ALWAYS.  It started when I was three, for fucks sake, going to a storytime at a public library, and other kid asked who the new fat girl was.  It beat me down and wore on me, year after year, decade after decade, become an ingrained part of who I was, what made me feel bad about myself in some way. 

It’s also not a secret I struggle with major depressive disorder.  Or PTSD.  Both of them are major factors in my life at this point and getting them diagnosed and starting treatment for them has helped me a lot.  I still have bad periods, like I’m going through now, where things just seem like an endless struggle to do the most basic tasks, but I know I can get through this because I have before.  My mental health will always be a factor in my life, I suspect, just because I have been through so much, even if the rest of my life were to suddenly be all sweetness and light.  Actually, that would probably make me a bit mistrustful too, just because of some of my history, but that’s a story for another time.  Today we are focusing on something more important.

Anyway, depression, self-image, a heft dose of self doubt, a smattering of self-hatred for being overweight for so long, and me, listening to some of those voices from my past, telling me I wasn’t worth the effort, the time, the expense, the love, the FOOD, ended with me silently spinning into a cycle of self abuse.  At first, it was things like literally picking at scars, cuts, or my skin until I bled, as close to cutting as I ever got.  Then, when I realized what I was doing, and I was diagnosed as a diabetic, and was forced to change my diet, I stopped.  Diabetics are more prone to getting infections because we heal slower and our body can be more at risk, so I decided it wasn’t worth it.  Instead, I decided to make a different change.  Now, please, keep in mind, none of this was actually done with me consciously thinking about it.  My brain just decided it would be the best way to handle things without me really making a choice that I knew of, other than to alter my diet to eat a more diabetic friendly diet.  I thought I was just cutting out sugars and carbs.  What I was really doing was starting down a very slippery slope.  One I’m still struggling on today, four years later.

The decision to cut carbs and sugar seemed easy for me.  I had a lot more willpower than I realized it seemed and suddenly I was just avoiding a lot of foods entirely and my blood sugar came under control in no time flat.  It amazed the doctors.  They had to take me off ALL the medicines, insulin included, except the very minimal maintenance medicine I still take now.  My blood sugars and long term blood sugars (A1C’s) measure more like someone who is not diabetic at all, most of the time, well below 100 daily (and below 5.8 for my A1C).  In other words, I no longer needed to maintain that super tight control and even push further.  My initial A1C had been very high, partly due to an infection, which as I understand it, often throws your body off, and I didn’t know I was diabetic at the time, so I hadn’t been taking very good care of myself either.  Now, I was doing better and going to the doctor, getting things checked, and trying to make a positive, or so I thought, change in my life.  I was even losing some weight!  That was an unexpected bonus. 

Now, as some of you no doubt know, at the same time I was diagnosed diabetic, my legs started giving out on me, due to an unrelated neurological condition.  The doctors have spent several years, countless procedures, and innumerable hours looking at me, my medical charts, going over my spine (they did multiple spinal taps and MRI’s), my legs (nerve biopsy, nerve conduction study, and countless tests of every sort imaginable), and even just focusing on my feet.  They found that the nerves were dead and dying from the inside out, but couldn’t find the cause (and the way they were dying, perfectly evenly on both legs, was extremely odd).  I definitely had something wrong, but they were all stumped.  Oh, and I had a VERY severely crushed spine that I hadn’t known about, probably from a car crash many years ago.  So I was told I needed to use a wheelchair whenever I was outside the house, so I didn’t fall, and even in the house, I should be careful.  My legs can randomly give out on me.  This didn’t help my mental well being, as it seemed like the doctors were kind of just giving up on me, saying “Oh, well.  Yeah, there’s something wrong, but we don’t know what.  Too bad for you.  Hope it gets better.  We’ll be interested to watch, if you let us.”

That was really the beginning of the dark times in my mental struggles.  I became passively suicidal.  I stopped eating almost completely and was often nauseous when I did eat.  I didn’t realize at the time what that was the beginnings of.  What I was starting to struggle with.  What I am still, two and a half, nearly three, years later, still struggling daily with.  ANOREXIA.  To look at me you wouldn’t think I had that problem.  I’m still overweight.  But here’s the thing, you can’t tell by looking at someone what’s going on in their head, heart, or body, most of the time.  I have had several extended family members struggle with anorexia, but I don’t think anyone in our family ever even thought I might be close, even when I said I hadn’t been eating.  No one paid attention.  I was giving them subtle warning signs, looking back, but the red flags all went unnoticed and flew under the radar.  I don’t blame them.  It took me a long time to realize I had been doing this to myself. 

So now my real work begins.  I need to find a way to somehow cope that isn’t so self destructive.  Hopefully, this time around things will be a little easier, as far as that goes.  Some of my stressors are gone.  My life is still rough and rocky, but such is the nature of life.  Some people just have more of an uphill battle than others.  I just wish mine were less of a mountain to climb at times.  And I know some of this is self-inflicted now, but it was never my intention to do this to myself, or to anyone in my family.  I now have to try extra hard to remember to eat everyday, and not skip, just because that’s what seems easier, and more what I want to do.  I can’t say it felt bad losing over 40 pounds in a year, even without much exercise, but that should have been a clue to everyone too, I think.  Even for someone who’s very overweight, that a lot.

Well, I’ve rambled long enough today.  I just wanted to get this out here.  If anyone is going through something and needs to talk, my DM’s are open, and I do have a Discord.  Send me a message and I can send you a link.  Depression, mental health, and eating disorders are all heavy stuff, but they need talked about.  I’m a firm believer that by keeping this stuff in shadowy back corners, we give it more power.  Bringing it into the light helps people and takes the stigma away.  It helps more people understand it too.  ANY ONE can suffer from an eating disorder.  ANY ONE can struggle with mental health.  You never know.  People wear masks in public to hide their innermost thoughts and feelings, so we don’t know what’s going on inside.  Sometimes reaching out is all someone needs.  Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help, or to reach out if you think someone needs it.

Peace Folks. <3

#mental health #eating disorder #talk about it #the strugge is real #breaking the silence

[nyrator]

And thus ends another Kresnyan week of wonders

It was quite an eventful week so buckle up for tons of photos, mainly arcade photos~

okay so I talked about Monday already

Tuesday was good, first thing in the morning we play F-Zero GX to wake us up, and somehow managed to beat the Ruby Master Cup with Silver Rat. What an awful, awful character, and yet such a good game for rewarding good mechanics.

Then we went around town exploring the local shops, got led into a strange pawn shop where the entire building was covered with junk, you had to shimmy through a small hall of junk to get through the place, and the owner followed in behind us without us realizing, pretty strange. Also entered a quiet little music shop and had Kresna serenade me with his good accordion skills, then visited my workplace and discussed seeing fireworks with them (we decided not to and instead played EDF and then more DDR, I also even bought a dance mat + two PS2 DDR games that day)

speaking of I got a second PS4 controller and so we played EDF 4.1 and over the course of a few days managed to 100% Hard mode with me as a Wing Diver and him as a Fencer, good times, lots of me dying and him saving me. Reminded me a lot of the PS2 one we played story-wise which after looking it up is a form of reboot of it, so neat. We decided to go straight to Inferno after that and managed to get up to about mission 23 before he had to leave, but man, we were decimating that mode (let’s ignore the having to deal with dragons in the future)

Bit disappointed we didn’t unlock Geist D because as dumb as it is I love the Geist, but mannn, got a sweet laser and Thunder Bow/Sniper 40s that I like to use

Anyway, Wednesday, the big event.

Round1

So initially it was a three-person trip that’s been planned all year, Kresna, Spade, and myself, though sadly but understandably Spade couldn’t make it this time. But mannnnnn.

So, we get up, struggle waking up, and head out on the two-and-a-half hour drive to Exton~

there was lots of neat street signs

there was also a Batman Road but couldn’t take a picture in time

also tons of great sights I forgot to take pictures of, but man, wouldn’t mind living in this area honestly, very pretty and very tree, we took a bunch of detours to avoid tolls and it was a very nice trip

but yes

round 1

this place is massive

this is what we first see going inside

that’s probably less than half of the cabinets they have

you got the shooting and driving cabinets to the right of the entrance, to the left is all more simplified games like pinballs and other popular brand ones, down the hall is the bowling alley which is adjecent to a bunch of claw grabbing machines for things from plushes to anime figures, past that you got the billards with karaoke booths, the fighting game cabinets, and at the mall entrance you have all the dance and musical cabinets, and mannnnn

see when I heard of this place I figure “oh yeah they advertise their bowling alley and also have karaoke, probably an arcade on the side, yeah”, no, this is an arcade feat. special guests bowling and karaoke

we got there at 1PM, took a small food break halfway through, and left around 5PM

my dudes, this place is amazing

I admit, I’m not much of an arcade gamer, but mannnn, what an amazing place.

Here are some of the games we playeddd

Kresna with his Tetris Grandmaster skills~ He played it three times, but man, given enough time he can easily top the scoreboards for sure

Some Outrun 2 SP~ My first time playing and I am bad at it but Kresna did pretty well

I tried playing some of that Gunslinger Stratos game I’ve heard about (aka saw there was Kuja costume DLC some years ago) but unfortunately the gun cursors were awful on the machine I used, all over the place, still beat two missions somehow with the girl in the giant robot, but mann, those cursors

heck yeah, some dekarissss and boy I absolutely am awful at tetris I am so sorry Kresna, the giant joysticks are fun though but man, multiplayer dekaris was suffering for the Kres

for reference, his solo attempt

there was also some rhythm heaven which was neat, Kresna again amazing at it and me not-so-much

we also decided to play this to fulfill our DDR thirst before taking a break

also SHOUTOUTS TO MUSIC GUNGUN, a simple but fun game with lots of good music and Kresna and I love it and may have to buy a cabinet, probably my favorite game there

after the break was more games but less photos to save battery life and repeating some of the aforementioned games, some that stood out

playing lots of Mario Kart DX, I won a grand total of once at the end but I’ll take that, thanks Waluigi and curse you Rosalina

I tried playing some Gitadora but failed miserably, my high school guitar hero skills were not enough for Medium Gitadora

meanwhile Kresna and his incredible talent at Beatmania

we finished the day at Round1 with some last bit of Music Gungun and trying out two-player Dancerush Stardom

and thus ended the trip to Round1, where we decided to head... east

East into New Jersey.

There was one more cabinet we needed to play.

Have some foliage that I forgot to take earlier to show how trees PA is~ There was a ton of nice foliage driving on the way there like I mentioned, just did not get to photograph ittt~

After another hour and a half drive (most of it spent in Philadelphia traffic, I will have you know that I am scared of heights or at least get vertigo easily, as well as being terrified of cars, and being in Philadelphia traffic is still absolutely terrifying to me)

I tried taking a photo of the Delaware but mannn could barely look up out of my seat because crippled with fear (seriously it’s only gotten worse the older I get for some reason)

anyway, just past 6:30, we finally arrive

Tilt Studio at Voorhees, NJ.

I admit, it had some neat cabinets, like Luigi’s Mansion, but nothing like Round1. However, we played none of these other cabinets

Kresna and I (mostly me) had a mission, and that mission was one cabinet

F-ZERO AX, BABYYYYY

look, you don’t understand

f-zero ax

I don’t have an addiction okay

anyway I brought my Memory Card (except I have unlocked basically everything in GX already so hm) and played with my custom vehicles~

and in just under $20 dollars worth of credits (with some used by Kresna of course) I managed to race every single race and I got my name on every single leaderboard (though they’re probably erased at the end of the day at this point)

yes we drove basically four hours to play F-Zero AX (plus Round1 goodness)

was it worth it? Yes

Sadly there aren’t any more licenses (to be expected though), but Kresna and I may have to buy our own cabinet, but a Deluxe Cabinet- the kind with moving seats and two-player actionnn

(it’ll happen you’ll see)

So then, the journey home, a night drive through NJ and bed

Thursday was firework day, though it was mainly EDF day for us. What a good game, EDF. Got some ice cream and hung out and was nice

Friday things began to slow down, EDF feat. more pizza and DDR dates~

Saturday was also pretty slow, slightly stressful day, including blahs from both of us, struggling at Inferno EDF and suffering my bad gameplay, and getting a flat tire on the way back from our last DDR trip of the night (oh boy), though we decided to watch a movie at least~ Genocidal Organ, based on a book Kresna read, it was pretty good~ Got Netflix to watch it (and Spy Kids 3D in honor of Red Square), though sadly SK3D didn’t have an anaglyph 3D option, and Genocidal Organ wasn’t on US Netflixxx, but we watched it through other means instead~

Today we finished the day with some car repairs, window shopping, and eating a big meal at a diner~ This is notable for being my first time eating somewhere in public and eating something that wasn’t just french fries (I had a blueberry pancake with whipped cream~)

Speaking of foods, this visit I tried sardines for the first timeee, not a fan but it was edible, my first time ever eating something fish-y~ Otherwise some neat treats from the Kresna involving many eggs and toasts and even an english muffinn

it was a good first anniversary week, and being with Kresna is always wonderful

And now to await the end of August, where I will finally migrate north and visit the Canadian lifestyle...

#camera stuffs #kresnyan~ #a trip proving once again I am bad at most video games that aren't F-Zero GX

[yo-namine]

Last KH3 playthrough post! Endgame spoilers are below the cut.

Just a warning: This post is REALLY long and contains, um… opinions.

I’m glad the final battle trailer scenes happen right off the bat. I had no idea what would come next, and it made the experience that much more interesting.

Why do none of these keyslingers know how to block? First Aqua tries to shield Ven with her own body, then Sora does the same for Kairi. Just hit square, guys.

ZETTAFLARE DONALD ILU SO MUCH

The way Riku and Aqua stepped up to Sora’s side made me think they were going to be party members in another demon tide battle, but nope. Boo.

I’m surprised that Aqua just… let the demon tide take her? What the hell?

Sora loses Kairi, Donald, and Goofy and just… crumbles. He completely gives up and says it’s all over. Riku almost starts to try to soothe him, but instead, he gets up, tells Sora that he knows that’s bullshit, and then faces off against the demon tide (which was polite enough to wait for Sora and Riku to finish their conversation before attacking, by the way). It’s like a moment of tough love, and it’s actually what I was expecting Roxas to do back when I assumed he would be the one to show up in the Graveyard and pull Sora back on his feet. I wasn’t expecting a bunch of reassurances like “no, you’re not worthless, we can still do this, everything will be okay” but rather, “Get up, we’re not finished here.”

So Riku confronts the heartless and Sora just… watches in horror as they take him, too. And he doesn’t even fight back when they turn and come for him. And then the screen cuts to black and shows the final line of the prophecy, and… That was a really effective way to end that scene. Damn.

Yeah, I don’t know how to play chess, but I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to just conjure extra pieces from thin air, Eraqus. That was a nice line from him, though, about light from the past. Like, “The light doesn’t need time travel bullshit to kick your ass because HEARTS.”

Sora fucking died. Sora actually, literally fucking died. He goes to the Final World because he died. Holy shit.

The Final World is beautiful, and the music is lovely, too. The first thing I did after getting control again was take some selfies of dead Sora, ngl.

Sora’s been to the Final World before in his sleep, and Chirithy just let him pass through lmao.

Who is the first star that Sora talks to here? At first I thought it was Xion, but she says a “somebody” sent her to the Final World, so… Strelitzia? Ava? Skuld? lol I like that Sora just sits down next to her like this conversation’s the most normal thing ever. He’s dead and talking to another dead person, and he just rolls with it. I love this kid.

Some of the optional star conversations really got to me. One of them says that their friends replaced them after they died (“That was my seat. That was my place at the table.”). There’s also one that was apparently a child looking for their father, and that one actually made me tear up.

I’m not sure who the one who talked about being “identical” was. I think a third talks about their mentor, and perhaps that was a past keyblade apprentice? Another says that people teased them and a friend about being an item, and they pulled away from the relationship, and the other person never closed the distance. All of their little stories are just… sad. Jesus.

Naminé has a star! I missed her star on my first playthrough, but I replayed this part just for her scene. I wish I’d gotten it the first time, though. She clarifies that Kairi’s the one keeping Sora tethered to the world of the living. And god, Naminé’s words are so sad. She truly doesn’t think anyone really misses her or that she matters at all. But Sora says that he and the others (including “someone else special,” who I think may’ve been Xion?) miss her and want her back. AND she mentions her conversation with Terra from the orchestra! Holy shit, WHY was this conversation optional? That was important story stuff that explained why Lingering Will shows up when we rehash the fight in the Graveyard. Naminé came through for everyone in a pretty major way, and if you don’t talk to her star (which is VERY easy to miss), you’d never know it. Though… I guess that’s kind of fitting in a meta way. Naminé helping people from behind the scenes and not expecting any credit, I mean. Still, I wish I hadn’t missed this on my first playthrough. Anyway, Naminé’s “Let’s just say I’ve got your back?” was really cute. And then Sora thanks her and gets all flustered. “That’s not the official thank-you!”

I’m… still not clear on what exactly the power of waking is or how it differs from restoring someone’s heart the old-fashioned way (i.e. taking a Keblade of Heart to the chest), but okay.

JIMINY SURVIVED ALL OF THAT JFSKLFFJL

I liked going through the different worlds to save all of Sora’s friends. It was a nice callback to KH1, when you visit different worlds in End of the World, and when you get to Realm of Chaos and have to rescue Donald and Goofy from Ansem SoD’s heartless… ship… thing. It was really annoying fighting the same boss over and over again, though. It wasn’t difficult (save for one instance where the lich spammed aeroga and pinned me against the ceiling. I only survived because it triggered rage form.), and I get that it was just a series of symbolic battles, but I dunno, maybe just giving him less HP for me to have to mow down would’ve made it less tedious.

So the power of waking is “traversing hearts to reach worlds.” So I guess that’s what Sora was doing while falling through the different Stations of Awakening and then arriving in different worlds.

“There’s no saving you.” Fuck, okay, after finishing the game, this line in the sleeping San Fransokyo hits a lot harder. You think Kid Xehanort knows that Team Nort is planning to snatch Kairi and use Sora’s desire to save her to ultimately destroy him? Because if so… ugh.

Sora and Kairi’s little spin when they reunite is so cute.

“I feel strong with you, Kairi.” Awww but also UGHHHHHHHH because I know what’s coming. And then Sora has flashbacks to Eugene and Anna sacrificing themselves for someone they love, and I’m not 100% sure why. Is it just foreshadowing his sacrifice for Kairi? Is he afraid that her rescuing him will cost her her own life? Whatever it is, Kairi seems to read Sora’s mind and says that he’s safe with her. And again, that’s really sweet, and I like that her PoH powers are FINALLY being explored in some way, but fuck, knowing how this all ends makes watching this scene so painful the second time around.

I was so confused when Sora was revived and we started replaying that confrontation scene in the Graveyard. The first time I played it, I was very seriously considering skipping the cutscene and reloading my save because I thought I’d gone the wrong way or something, but then Lingering Will showed up and the scene changed. Phew. I guess we went in a little time loop there. But wait, if everyone’s aware that Sora revived them, then they must remember how they were taken in the first place, right? If that’s the case, why the hell did Ven run up to Terra a second time? Why didn’t anyone stop him? Why did Aqua have to look “Terra” in the eye a second time to know it wasn’t him? Am I to assume that if Naminé hadn’t summoned Lingering Will, these dingdongs would’ve all lost their hearts AGAIN?

I’m so over demon tide boss fights, but damn if that battle theme doesn’t kick ass.

EPHEMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT, OF ALL THE THINGS I NEVER SAW COMING. He helps Sora use the keyblades of all the fallen wielders from the first war to fight off the heartless, and you use the names of all those KHUX users who won that KH3 contest as attacks. Oh my gosh, what a sweet tribute. I like thinking that Larkey’s keyblade helped, too. <3

Oh god, when KH1 Riku showed up and Forze Del Male started playing, my entire life flashed before my eyes. I DID NOT want a rehash of that fight. I was relieved that I didn’t have to, but I was also just a little disappointed because that Xehanort shadow that emerges from him looked like a cool potential boss. I feel like there are actually a lot of scenes that happened in the Graveyard that would’ve worked better as actual battles or gameplay, tbh.

Also, that Forze De Male remix was hot as hell.

R.I.P. to all of fandom’s “Yen Sid is useless” jokes. What a way to go.

“You’re a whole pint by yourself, Sora.” I LOVE THIS DUCK SO MUCH.

I like that the maze tries to force you to choose between helping Riku or Mickey first like it’s some tragic moral dilemma. Like oh gee, let me think: Best written character in the series, or corporate icon Ricky Rat? That said, I actually did go to Mickey first just because I couldn’t get past the moving wall puzzle lmao. I wish this area had had a few more puzzles, though. I felt like I breezed through it way too fast.

Riku is really nerfed as a party member. He was CONSTANTLY KO’d in my fight against the Norts. Like damn dude, even Kairi stayed conscious through her battle (all 5 seconds of it, but still).

Repliku tears himself away from his own vessel and leaves it. For Naminé. Fuck, I didn’t expect that at all. What a great scene, and what a better ending for a character whose story I thought ended in CoM. I loved that.

Didn’t love that Riku and Sora just left Naminé’s vessel facedown in the dirt, though. Like… at least prop it against the wall or something guys, geez.

I like that you get a sort of farewell scene between the heroes and all the main villains of the series. It may’ve been a little fanservicey, but oh well. I’m not so hot on it from a story standpoint. Like I know we’re doing the anime thing where “I defeated you in battle, now we’re cool” but it still felt… odd. But at least it’s not as obnoxious as what comes up later with Master Xehanort.

I liked Larxene’s take on this especially, how she’d rather be destroyed than be a Nort. Why she joined up in the first place is still a mystery… And her answering Sora the way she did implies that the Norts aren’t just possessed mind slaves. They do have agency, though I guess that was clear from Even and Demyx turning against them, now that I remember it.

Building on the agency thing, I liked Vanitas’s scene with Ven. Ven wanted so badly for Vanitas to come to the light, but… It really wasn’t what Vanitas wanted for himself. “We decide who we are.” “I did decide who I am.” It’s tragic, but I like that it showed that not everyone was getting a happy ending from this game, and that there are some people you just can’t save.

COME GUARDIAN WAS TERRA’S HEARTLESS AFTER ALL. FUCK YES. I love that theory and I’m so happy it turned out to be correct!!!!! 

And then we finally get a Wayfinder reunion!!!!!! 

“What final words do you have for your superior?” Okay, I know this game is rated E10, but I half expected Axel to just look up and say “Fuck you.”

Xemnas and Axel’s conversation was so meta. Axel bragging about how popular he was, Xemnas calling Axel’s keyblade a joke. Like… Damn, they really paid attention to fandom over the years, didn’t they? I just wish they’d paid this much attention to all the fans who wanted a good storyline for Kairi. Anywho, Xemnas destroys Axel’s keyblade, so we lose two Lights from this scene. I’m kind of grateful that happened, actually. Having Axel lose his spot made it a little easier to accept Kairi losing hers. But only a little. Kairi getting kidnapped AGAIN was still stupid and contrived.

Unlike the other Norts, Xion’s apparently not acting on her own free will when the fight starts. Sora telling her “You can stop now” seemed to break something within her. And then Xemnas turns to attack her, and Sora’s heart reaches out to someone, and then BOOM. Roxas shows up to sass Xemnas and save the day!!! 

I barely did anything in that Isa fight, lmao. I tried to land a few hits on him, but then I realized Roxas could handle him just fine alone, so I just hung back with Xion and cast cure here and there.

I’m disappointed that there’s almost no interaction between Roxas and Sora beyond a couple of nods, tbh. It’s kind of a weak payoff after all the fuss Sora made about wanting to save Roxas at the start of the game. That was what Sora decided to fight for “with all his heart,” and then once Roxas is back, we just keep blazing ahead with the story without a moment to appreciate the fact that he accomplished his goal (or rather, someone else accomplished it for him).

Aww, Xion looked so left out when she stood of to the side and started crying. It was almost like she was hesitant to join Axel and Roxas after she came so close to almost killing both of them. She didn’t even reach for the other two when Axel pulled them into a group hug, she just kept her hands clasped tight together and sort of curled in on herself. Aw, honey. Anyway, I’m glad these three will get to be together again.

I half expected Riku to snap “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?” when Sora tells him that Kairi’s been kidnapped.

I liked both Xemnas and Ansem SoD’s sendoffs. Kid Xehanort doesn’t give a shit that he lost, though, he just fucks off back to the past knowing damn well what’s about to happen. And to that, I again say ugh.

And then we get… that scene. What the fuck did Xehanort mean by “You need motivation.”? Motherfucker, we are already out here in the Keyblade Graveyard having this showdown. Kingdom Hearts is looming above us. Sora just got done killing all ninety-seven billion Xehanorts. This fight is happening no matter what you do. This doesn’t make any fucking sense. Having Xehanort kill off Kairi was stupid and unnecessary and pointless and lazy and truly horrible, horrible writing. And see, I can’t even give Nomura the benefit of the doubt here because he actually had Xehanort call Kairi Sora’s “motivation.” That was it. That was the only reason Xehanort killed her. Not because she was a keyblade wielder who was in the way of his goal, not because she was a Princess of Heart whose power could pose a threat. Not because of anything Kairi did or who she was as a person, but because she was a THING that was important to Sora. Fuck that. Fuck that entire scene, fuck everything about it, fuck everyone who gave that writing decision the green light. Fuck it. And knowing how this game ends (with Sora apparently sacrificing himself to save Kairi), Kairi now has more motivation than EVER to fight to get him back, but you know Nomura won’t give a shit when it comes time to write scenarios for KH4. He’s just gonna throw Kairi back on the islands and have Riku be the hero. Riku will find Sora, they’ll have adventures together and apart, they’ll continue to grow as characters, and then they’ll go home to where Kairi’s just sitting pretty, waiting to be the perfect reward for everything Sora’s accomplished. So there you go, that’s Kingdom Hearts IV. I just saved you $50 in the future (not adjusted for inflation).

Just. Jesus Christ, of all the idiotic tone-deaf bullshit… To have so much self-awareness while writing Naminé’s dialogue in the Final World and Axel’s scene with Xemnas in the Graveyard and then NONE OF THAT WHATSOEVER when it came to writing Kairi’s final scenes… That’s unreal. It’s almost unbelievable, but I really shouldn’t be surprised. Nomura’s pulled this shit before, so oop @ me for actually expecting better from him. Lesson fucking learned.

Anyway, after we get past all that stupid sexist bullshit that I actively hated, Sora gets ready to leave for the next area. I like that Donald and Goofy literally pick him up off the ground and help him stand, and that they go with him afterward. I just love the Trinity Trio in this game so much. They feel so much like a family now, and since I’m clearly never ever ever ever getting any decent Destiny Trio development, that’s a nice comfort. The other keyslingers stay behind to keep Kingdom Hearts shut, and Xion tells Sora that she can sense that Kairi will be okay, which… Yeah, alright. I just saw Xehanort slash into her back and shatter her into thousands of pieces, but no, I’m sure she’s fine. flskjdf Okay, sorry, I get what that scene with Xion was trying to do, but it just doesn’t make any sense? Xion is Sora’s replica, not Kairi’s. I could buy that she can sense Sora’s heart, but she has no real connection to Kairi’s at all, so how would she know that Kairi’s okay? Maybe she was just saying that as a way to comfort Sora, like a “she’ll always be in your heart” kind of thing, but even that feels off. Like that’s the kind of thing you say to someone a couple weeks after the funeral, not right there at the crime scene. Oh well. I guess it was sweet that she at least wanted him to hear that.

Then we get to Scala ad Caelum, which was kind of a letdown, really. I was hoping to get to explore the city, but you really just have one large area that’s ultimately just a battlefield. The boss battles weren’t much of a challenge at all, and you don’t even have to defeat them all, which was disappointing, but eh. The only tense moment was when Xehanort triggered Sora’s rage form in the final battle, but Donald and Goofy kept me healed up enough that it wasn’t much of a problem.

Xehanort uses the “one sky, one destiny” line from Kairi’s letter. Like it’s not enough that he killed her, he’s gotta plagiarize her, too. Dick.

Donald and Goofy help Sora ward off Xehanort’s final attack! Like they literally, physically help him push back against it! I love these half-pints. <3

Eraqus! He asks Terra to look after his other apprentices for him, aw.

Xehanort gives Sora the X-blade, and there’s no “sorry I killed your friend” or anything. He just goes on to be at peace with Eraqus. Seriously? This dude abuses Ven, hijacks Terra’s body, throws Aqua into the Realm of Darkness, murders Kairi, and he still gets to pass on peacefully into the next life with his bff? Come the fuck on.

Hearing “Always On My Mind” again was nice. That was always one of my favorite tracks from KH1.

Okay, after rewatching the ending cinematic, it makes a lot more sense to me. Riku suggests that they all go back to Yen Sid’s place to figure out how to save Kairi (which… why are we all acting like this is something that can just be undone? She wasn’t taken into darkness by the heartless like before; Xehanort struck her down. We didn’t see her heart leave her body or anything, she just shattered. To me, that looks like an E10-rated game’s version of death.), but Sora knows what he has to do. It wasn’t until the second time through this ending that I realized he was already planning on waking her heart at the expense of his own life. Knowing that, it’s a little odd that Riku just lets him go with a roundabout way of saying “I believe in you.” Kairi’s supposedly Riku’s friend, too, isn’t she? And he knows how to wake sleeping hearts, too, so why couldn’t he go with Sora to find her? 

I loved seeing the Wayfinder Trio laying flowers at Eraqus’s memorial. I also like that keyblades are apparently used specifically for this when the wielder has passed on. That’s a nice bit of world building. And Chirithy is reunited with Ven after all (who apparently remembers them)! Aww. I still don’t know how the hell Ven exists in this timeline, but still. Aw.

I love Xion’s new outfit, and that she and her boys got to go back to Twilight Town together. I’m not so hot on Isa being there, though, and I’m really put off by how chummy he and Roxas seem. I know these scenes are taking place after a little time has passed, so maybe there was some tension between them at first that we just don’t see because it’s not particularly relevant, but still… Anyway, a shadow passes over them for a moment, and I think it must’ve been the gummi ship arriving to pick them up and take them to a party on Destiny Islands. Nice.

When I got to the scene of Naminé waking up in Radiant Garden… I actually started sobbing. Like that’s embarrassing to admit, but that scene hit me so hard. Just watching her open her eyes, and then seeing Dilan and Aeleus lead her out to the courtyard where the ship lands. Seeing her smile when Riku holds out his hand to her… I started crying while typing this up just remembering it, haha. I loved that moment so, so much. I’m so happy she gets to be her own person, that Ansem helped restore her to finally give her a life of her own after everything he put her through. I love that Riku’s the person to welcome her onto the ship, that he’s doing this for the Replica who gave up the vessel for her, but also because she’s been his friend, too (albeit largely off-screen). And the final shot of her laying her hand so gently in his... Holy god, what a finale shot. That scene ALONE was worth the thirteen year wait for me. I am truly stunned that that was part of the ending, that Naminé—of all characters—was the final person they built up to. That was just so much more than I had ever hoped for for her.

And then the actual final scene. You have all the main characters playing on the beach. Xion and Naminé are finding seashells; Riku, Roxas, and Terra are running around doing… something; the Twilight Town kids and Goofy and Donald are making sand castles; Lea, Ven, and Isa are playing frisbee. And then everyone stops to look at Sora and Kairi on the paopu tree. Sora vanishes, and you see Kairi start to slowly curl in on herself as the scene fades to black. And… upon rewatch, I actually like this ending? I was confused the first time I watched it because I didn’t have Kid Xehanort’s words in San Fransokyo fresh on my mind at the time, but when I went back and watched all the scenes together, I understood that Sora woke up her heart, and him “abusing” that power took its toll. I’m alright with us actually not seeing him do this (or at least, I’m not bothered by that by itself. I’m really bothered that it happened like that after Kairi got fridged the way she did, but on its own, it’s fine.). I’m upset that Sora’s gone, but truthfully, I was sort of expecting it. And like I said in my tirade about Kairi’s writing a few bullet points up, you know he’ll be back. It’s just really upsetting to know that Kairi now has to live with the guilt over the fact that he gave up his life for her, and that—as far as she knows—she’ll never see him again. And you just know that Nomura will absolutely, positively not let her do anything about it come KH4, to which I can only say, again: UGH.

I don’t care about Braig being Luxu, bye.

I think I’m still too raw from the emotional highs (and lows) of this game to really analyze everything as clearly as I’d like. There’s still stuff I want to talk about, but I’ll save that for another time. I can’t deny how much I enjoyed everything that happened before Kairi got fridged, but man, that one point really sours a lot of this game for me.

But yeah, that’s all for now.

#kh spoilers #kh3 spoilers #my posts #kh3 #kh3 bloggin

[perfectackeracy]

Shingeki no Kyojin chapter 100 review (+ theories)

Paradis’ conflict against the world just began...

That’s the most impressive event of the chapter, and also a turning point from now on. After two chapters of festival, the cat’s out of the bag. And he just killed Marley’s most important diplomatic figure, alongside a bunch of Eldians from the building above him, thus turning the world against him, and his own nation.

Of course, Willy the martyr of his own blood was ready to die for the ultimate repentance of the Eldians against their own kind, the one wanting to make their nation great again. Such a sacrifice was necessary to convince the world the threat Paradis proposed was real. All parties consented for the highlight of the show to be... potentially explosive.

What happened minutes prior Eren showing up was Reiner breaking down in front of him, finally exposing what he bottled up for nine years. The man Falco believed in went away in front of his very own eyes. Or perhaps he never existed, considering Eren still went and transformed into a titan, disregarding both the boy’s fate and fate the man he despised for years.

Now that he reduced the patriarch of the Tybur family to some mushed piece of meat, what’s going to happen? Is it time for Marley’s counterattack? Find out in chapter 101!

That’s it for the big points. Follow me under the cut for more!

Willy’s resolve and the final part

Eren drops the facade

Reiner’s breakdown

Attack on the World

P.S.: By the way, Isayama stayed true to his word: this chapter beat the record of double-pages in this arc at least. We have four double pages illustrating Eren turning into a titan and beginning his attack. That’s less pages than usual, but it’s quite the impressive show.

“Wood”, seriously? CR messed up on kanji, there. How do you mess up “水” (water) and “木” (wood)?

Anyway, there goes for the WTF CR minute. The chapter offered two perspectives: what happens on-stage and what happens in the basement.

Willy’s resolve and the final part

The Eldians are definitely the devils – Ch. 100

The chapter begins with a short private conversation between Magath and Willy. The point of the festival was to show to the face of the world how dangerous Paradis is, as Zeke planned to do so in chapter 95. The conversation implies enemies from the interior have been at Marley for a while. Naturally, it’s also the meeting point for all parties to collide: world diplomats, Marley warriors, even incompetent officers so Magath’s purge would be as quick and efficient as possible, and none of the higher-ups would’ve been the wiser.

And of course, hundreds of deaths are planned during the festival. Amusingly enough, it’s Magath, a Marlean, who is concerned about the death toll. As Willy puts it so bluntly, Magath shouldn’t hesitate to make a sacrifice when he watched too many Eldians under his command die or living a crappy lifestyle. The biggest loss in this operation is Willy’s life: as the key politician of Marley, he can’t sacrifice his life now. Despite that, it’s a risk he’s willing to take. For the sake of credibility and for the sake of instigating fear in the nations of the world so they would side against an island full of weapons of mass destruction.

The path of the martyrdom – Ch. 100

The Tybur family also just didn’t sit down and watch under Willy’s rule it seems, contrary to what Porco insinuated. Tare not only in charge of Mainland Eldia’s worldwide reputation, but also paid attention on Paradis. They know movements there are stirring but didn’t know their enemies walked hand-in-hand with inner conspirators inside Marley. After all, Eren had to contact accomplices who were posted in Marley well before he came. And here I thought Marley would’ve learned of their mistakes after deporting so many restorationists and knowing the cooperative doctor trick... Oh well…

After all, Paradis provide something absolutely precious: The Founder and thousands of wall titans to threaten Marley if necessary. The restorationists also hope one day, Eldia will return. These are the kind of people who would try to reach contact with Paradis. The question is, how and when. Did the army on Paradis retrieve a telegraph when the ships disappeared?

…Or does the Warhammer Titan has a special communication power?

Back to the present. After ratting Eren out, Willy describes the fate of the Tybur family to the public, about how they became the patricians of the Eldians while the rest of their own people was forced to live in internment zones. As he tries to shed himself away from the lie, he stares at the actors, at his family and at his bodyguard, apologizing for his sacrifice. It could be interpreted as a physical sacrifice, considering Eren won’t spare them no matter what they do, and as an immaterial sacrifice, as revealing the truth about the story behind the Great War would mean the Tybur family no longer stands as a dignified one.

The Founder can also create new class of titans. That’s how the Wall Titans were born. Now if it isn’t a frightening power to have… No doubt, if Eren ever uses the Founder in his own way, consequences are going to be a disaster. That’s why Zeke maintains distance with him as far as possible. Yikes… The other fact is us knowing what the three walls represented. Say hello to Maria Fritz, Rose Fritz and Sina Fritz, the daughters of Ymir! At the same time, the represented children in ending 3, devouring the remains of their mother. Next segment is about the threat of the wall titans, cementing the reason as to why Paradis is frightening.

Especially when a guy like this is the switch – Ch. 100

Willy also emphasizes the current technology isn’t on par with millions of Colossus titans with the possibility to flatten the Earth till nothing is left. Picture that as the stampede charge in the Lion King, but with more people and broader ways.

In the meantime, Magath indirectly reveals that part of the plan was indeed to bring the warriors on the rooftop for safety. Whoever that trapdoor guy was, he clearly didn’t want to have any interference from them when Eren kills Willy. According to Koslow, he scoffed away. I hope the message Pieck left to her panzer unit will make them take a second guess and make them look for the guy.

Speaking of Pieck, she and Porco fell in a well destined to trap the warriors: deep, small, narrow, a perfect cylinder… Still no idea if that trap was freshly prepared, or if it was there to entertain prisoners. Considering whoever is responsible left a potty, some food and a water bottle, they don’t want the two of them to feel uncomfortable till their business is done. What’s the point of dropping necessities when the soldiers are going to find them sooner or later and they’ll have some reserves to fight?

Who is this guy? – Ch. 100

Two important facts remain about this guy: Pieck has an impression of deja-vu and Porco mentions how tall he is. That soldier is closer to 190 cm and only Pieck gets vague mentions. As improbable as it seems to be, that guy might be from Paradis, because so far, I can’t see any candidate from the interior. It can be a new character as well, considering the traits don’t match with people from Paradis at 100%. The fact that he goofed on Zeke’s appellation and treating honorary Marleans like dirt says a lot: he isn’t familiar with Marley’s military at all.

Supposing he’s from Paradis: it’s natural for Pieck to have a blurry memory about it, since she rushed to take Reiner away. There’s the titans in the south, but they’ve all been guillotined or killed by the garrison and the SC. There’s only 9 survivors at the battle of Shiganshina: she would’ve remembered Levi, since his nightmarish face on top of the wall is something you clearly don’t forget (and the sizes don’t match), Eren and a quick glance of Hange, Jean and Connie. Hange has an eye missing and is too small to fit, leaving Jean and Connie as candidates. This guy has features closer to Connie aside from the eye and the size. I understand growth spurts, but we’re talking about 35cm. That’s the kind of growth spurt you witness between 13 and 16 years. Not 16 and19 years. Yet the mistakes, the extra care… Sounds like it’s been prepped by someone too stupid for his own good.

That person can be a lone wolf as Pieck says. Which would imply the existence of a third party who wanted to have a part to play at the festival. Considering Eren contacted his brethren as soon as he came inside Liberio and considering how this person wanted to fish out the warchief with royal blood from the rest of the group, this is highly unlikely.

Yet Eren carefully hid the fact he needs to touch someone with royal blood to activate the Coordinate to everybody, for the sake of preserving Historia. If anybody on Paradis knows, it’ll be through deduction, but that also means Eren won’t be on their side 100% and they must take account of this fact. That soldier clearly knows Zeke was important. That’s why he was isolated from the rest of the warriors. The only people knowing Zeke is a royal blood are Eren, and the people who had contact with the restorationists.

Unless that soldier really was from Paradis and was lied to. Or it’s a plan to double-team Eren.

Eren drops the façade

That’s really a dick move for sure – Ch. 100

Feels weird to see Eren talk to Reiner that way after their conversation in the trees. The haven’t really had a face-off in Shiganshina. At least not one that doesn’t consist in punching each other in the face.

As we see Eren growing his foot back like it was a flower, Falco’s image of the humble war victim crumbled. What he has in front of him is the world’s enemy he unconsciously helped.

The careless mailman – Ch. 100

Eren’s wording here still holds a part of truth. I suspected his “family” was in fact his “companions” instead of his biological family. But with the existence of this trapdoor guy, and the implication Marley has too many enemies, what can we deduce from that?

In the previous chapters, Eren told Falco it was too hard to show himself to his “family”. He thanks him a month later for the “many letters he sent”. In this chapter, he reveals to who exactly they were destined. That can only imply his accomplices were posted there before he came inside Liberio. When exactly is a mystery, since Eren stalked Reiner at Fort Slava and was revealed to stand on both legs and see with both eyes, while wearing his armband the wrong way. Meaning he self-inflicted these wounds before hopping in the train back to Marley. I assume it was recently.

Eren had an idea of who was the receiver and what he planned to say, and who he was expecting to meet. The letter can’t go to Paradis since only Willy has a faint idea of what Paradis is supposed to do. Since Willy mentioned how they’ve been neglecting what’s under their nose, I assume there’s a new restorationist network going around. Eren, who has Kruger and Grisha’s memories, probably knows it wasn’t going extinct. Hell, maybe Kruger prepared some kind of testament in case the Owl should return.

Kruger supplying his companions – Ch. 86

And in fact, Eren contacting his accomplices is oddly reminiscent of Kruger sending letters and resources to the restorationists. He didn’t reveal his identity and wasn’t completely 100% honest with them either. In fact, Eren could even communicate simple words to them like “I have returned” and “Do X and Y. Only then I will reveal myself at the festival.”. After all, being in possession of the Founder was Grisha’s group initial plan.

Frankly, I’d rather look for more explanations in the next chapter, because an underlying network of conspirators is more favorable than Paradis being set in Marley during a short period of time. While it’s true they deduced Marley was busy with something else, did they really have a moment during the 4-year timeskip to dispatch someone else?

That and when Eren is talking about “returning to his hometown” … Did he talk about retrieving Zeke then activating the Wall Titans on Paradis… or making Liberio his new capital for him and his buddies? After all, he told Reiner he was here for the same reason he was on Paradis. That could mean making Marley lose their capital.

Speaking of Eren and Reiner…

“You were just a child. What could you have done to fight back against that? Your environment, your history.” – Ch. 100

Eren elaborates his point of view when Willy depicted him as a world menace. He knows he’s going to eradicate his enemies and pushes his sense of responsibility away by declaring he and Reiner are the same. He eventually proves his mindset right when Reiner answers his questions. Just before Reiner broke down, Eren explains Reiner fought against Paradis because he believed in a Good vs. Evil scenario, without trying to understand both sides. That’s pure projection on his part, assuming what Willy told onstage. He also brings up his short trip in the enemy territory as evidence he just feels the same, when the circumstances were completely different. That way, he feels like he’s on par with Reiner. At least it’ll be easier for him when he’s going to kill the Tybur patriarch.

There’s also him shrugging away his old promise.

None of his expressions reflect guilt. More like a way to justify his actions in the future. If Reiner destroyed his home under the pretense of fighting devils, he can too. Except Eren does that on an “enlightened” level, where he doesn’t acknowledge one side is better than the other. Really though, he doesn’t want to acknowledge his mistakes and turn back. From the day he learned titans were in fact humans, that didn’t prevent him to brag about retaking his hometown. In this case, he wants to repay Reiner’s actions while toying with his morality.

Part of the reason why I suspect Eren is more chill about it than in the past is because he kept his promises to some extent: not only the plans for his capture all failed, but he -with the help of the SC- took back Shiganshina and Wall Maria. Paradis is no longer inhabited by titans and cherry on the cake, he took Reiner’s party members away and made Bertolt pay. It’s easier to face Reiner now that they’re even. After all, he never cared that much for his motives when they met during the battle of Shiganshina, or how he feels about the mission in general. Why would he change his mind now?

I think Reiner interpreted Eren’s logic as if he wanted revenge against the ugly demons living on Paradis, leading to the next segment…

Reiner’s breakdown

Reiner wanting judgement on his actions – Ch. 100

The hanged man syndrome kicked in. It was foreshadowed since last chapter, where Bertolt guessed that old man’s intentions. And now Reiner is doing the same to Eren now: spilling the beans while waiting for him to finish him off.

Throughout these nine years, Reiner was plagued with guilt, alongside Bertolt and Annie. The way he breaks down in front of Eren reminds me of the way Bertolt broke down in front of Jean, Connie, Armin and Mikasa. The three are conscious of how unforgivable their actions are, yet they had to stain their blood with hands.

When Reiner acknowledged how stupid he was as a kid, it’s not because he finally realized not everybody on Paradis is a devil, but it’s because he heavily insisted for the mission to continue, even after Marcel’s death, leading him and his teammates for a long stay inside the walls. That also explains why he had a flashback of Karina before Annie and Bertolt turned back. Despite being rejected by his father, despite learning he was never meant to be chosen for the Armor and despite Marcel being eaten instead of him, he still clung on his will to become a hero and be respected. He himself didn’t understand that spark of motivation quite well at that time…

Him getting friendly with the 104th was also fueled by the same desire. He was a big brother figure to them and profited out of it, till it became his coping method after Marco’s death.

Reiner endorses the responsibility – Ch. 100

And most of all, he blames himself for everything, from Marcel’s death to the death of thousands of civilians. It got him going for nearly a decade, up to the point where he wants to die and be forgotten. Notice how he doesn’t try to justify himself contrary to what Eren tries to do. Reiner was extremely pushy sometimes, sure. But unlike Eren, he never fled responsibility, or try to mask it with excuses like “we don’t know what the right choice is”.

Regardless of what Eren thinks, his situation was, and is still different from Reiner’s: despite the propaganda, the warriors were still forced to do these things. They had to comply with Marley’s orders without question or else they had to “give the weapons away” (read: being devoured). Meanwhile, nobody forced Eren to join any military branch, or cross the sea to launch an offensive against the world. He chose that on his own and claimed he didn’t have a choice because he wanted to preserve himself.

He was more concerned about Willy’s last part.

Attack on the World

Declaration of war – Ch. 100

Willy is well-conscious he might die in a few seconds when he’s wrapping his speech up. He doesn’t want to die but he chose to take that risk to advance. He hates his blood as well as his affiliation and wished for his kind to be extinct. But now that an opportunity has been presented, maybe there’s hope for them.

What triggered Eren is his own words from Willy’s mouth. More than Reiner’s speech. After all, he’s the one using the “I was born into this world” sentence to justify him going to the outside world. He deserves anything he wants, because he was born free. That’s an opposite with most characters of this manga who think they don’t deserve anything nice because of their upbringing and their responsibility. Two things Eren ignores in his motto.

Fuckin’ poser – Ch. 100

The moment where Eren really begins to be irked is when the crowd cheers for Willy’s emotional performance while he begs the world to fight against the devils of Paradis (read: himself). That’s where he stood up to deceive Reiner one last time before transforming.

I’ve also noticed Willy begged for world unity against Paradis in his last words. That too, parallels with Eren’s theory of the world uniting against a powerful threat before they capture Wall Maria back.

As I’ve noticed in another post, the way Eren talked to and helped Reiner is reminiscent of the way Bertolt helped him out. Way to spit on Reiner’s vulnerability.

Eren also straight up doesn’t care about who is in the way. He just offed Eldians in the building above and was ready to sacrifice Falco, since he was no longer useful. And finally, he crushed Willy’s spine instead of eating him. Well at least that strikes down the theory of him combining all the titan powers.

While I’m fairly confident Reiner is still alive, I can’t say the same for Falco. If he’s lucky, maybe he’ll survive. Meanwhile, Eren exploded in a basement at close range, before Reiner could bite his hand. If the explosion doesn’t kill Falco, the falling concrete will. The reason why I’m doubting that is because I’ve seen my share of bullshit survivals (*cough*Armin*cough*Mikasa being fine after firing a thunderspear*cough*) in this manga.

Looks like Eren’s going to stomp in the masses and probably target the people Reiner love, for sweet karma. Gabi and Karina may be the next targets. In the meantime, there’s no warrior around to stop him.

Zeke in the streets – Ch. 100

Speaking of Zeke, he only appeared in a single panel. Looks like he isn’t going next to the front gate. Or he is but he’s taking his time, since he knows fully well he’s heading straight to an ambush. In both cases he must not let Eren encounter him. Amusingly enough, his only panel was juxtaposed next to Willy’s sentence: “I wished for the extinction of all Eldians”. I think deep down, it’s what Zeke wanted, too.

Both Zeke and Willy share something in common due to their lineage: the burden of carrying the family’s sins. Willy felt bad for being born in a family whose fame and glory is made on lies, as he watched his fellow Eldians suffering in internment zones, their reputation being degraded each day passing. Zeke resents his lineage for being tied to an extremist who wanted to use him for his personal gain and a royal blood who thought the same. And he’s now tied to a younger brother with said extremist’s views and the power from the royal blood.

I can’t wait for 101 and how Liberio is transforming itself into a warzone. That’s going to be interesting to watch, despite the death count and Reiner’s angst-o-meter rising. Looks like Lady Kiyomi made the right decision by getting out.

#snk 100 #snk spoilers #willy tybur #eren yeager #reiner braun #theo magath #zeke yeager #falco grice #snk #attack on titan #snk meta #snk theory #meta #theory #magath #willy #reiner #eren #zeke #falco

[synchronicityhempoil]

CBD for Epilepsy Approved by the FDA: What You Need to Know

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Consult your healthcare provider before use.

In 2018, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the first drug containing an active ingredient of Hemp for market use. Epidiolex — a brand-name prescription medication that contains 100 mg/mL of Cannabidiol (a.k.a. CBD) — is now a front-line medication for two types (i.e., Lennox-Gastaut syndrome and Dravet syndrome) of Epilepsy.

So how did we get here? Less than a decade ago, marijuana and Hemp were both listed on the federal drug scheduling system. Today, many cannabinoids — which are naturally-occurring compounds in the Hemp plant —are completely legal, widely-used, and highly-researched.

Why did the FDA approve CBD for epilepsy treatment? How do cannabinoids like CBD impact the body to the degree of alleviating serious symptoms like seizures? And what are the other cannabinoids present in Hemp and Hemp Oil products?

Here’s everything you need to know about Hemp and CBD for epilepsy treatment, and the role of Full-Spectrum Hemp Oil in today’s CBD market.

What is CBD?

Cannabidiol (or CBD for short) is a cannabinoid present in the Cannabis sativa plant. These cannabinoids (of which over one-hundred have been identified) are naturally-occurring compounds present in both the Cannabis sativa plant and, believe it or not, the human body.

That’s right!

Humans produce endocannabinoids (“endo” meaning “within”) that bind to cannabinoid receptors present all over our bodies. We’ll dive deeper into these endocannabinoids and the role they play within our bodies in the next section. But it’s important to remember that cannabinoids mainly only occur in two unique places: the Cannabis sativa plant and our bodies.

Here’s an interesting factoid: the Cannabis sativa plant has spawned a variety of widely-grown plants, and we know these plants by different names depending on the composition of their cannabinoids.

For example, Hemp (which contains less than 0.3% of the cannabinoid THC) is legally different than marijuana, but both Hemp and marijuana come from the Cannabis sativa plant; they’re simply different breeds of the same parent plant. CBD is almost always extracted from the Hemp plant. Not only is Hemp legal to grow across the United States, but it contains little-to-no THC, which is the psychoactive compound in marijuana.

When it comes to cannabinoids, none get quite as much press as CBD. And for good reason. Early research suggests that CBD may provide a variety of benefits, including:

Anxiety reduction

Mood regulation

Discomfort relief

Blemish reduction

But how could CBD possibly accomplish all of this? It’s just a small compound in a plant, right? Here’s where things get interesting. CBD isn’t quite like any other natural compound on the planet, and its ability to influence our bodies is incredibly potent and profound.

Understanding the Endocannabinoid System

The Endocannabinoid System (ECS) is a complex network of nerves and cell-signaling pathways that exists in the human body. When we break down the term endocannabinoid system, we can quickly learn the nitty-gritty of this incredibly dense and complex interrelation of cannabinoids, receptors, and enzymes.

The term “endo” is Greek for “within.” So, endocannabinoid literally means “cannabinoids within.” These are cannabinoids that are produced naturally within your body.

We put the term “system” after endocannabinoid because the human body uses unique cellular signaling pathways to communicate between these various cannabinoids, receptors, and enzymes.

In contrast, we often call cannabinoids occurring the Cannabis sativa plant “phytocannabinoids” — with “phyto” meaning plant. Technically, the cannabinoids within Hemp aren’t the same cannabinoids produced by your body regularly. However, these phytocannabinoids do seem to interact with your endocannabinoid receptors in novel ways.

The endocannabinoid system contains three core components:

Endocannabinoids: Cannabinoids produced by the human body (e.g., Anandamide, 2-Arachidonoylglycerol) are comprised of fatty-acids and operate in the central nervous system, which consists of the brain and spinal cord. These endocannabinoids play all sorts of interesting roles in your body. From inducing pleasure and pain to regulating appetite and mood, endocannabinoids are constantly surging throughout your body in abundance, looking to regulate activity spikes and maintain homeostasis.

Note: To learn more about the role endocannabinoids play in our brain, check out our post on CBD’s Effect on Your Brain.

Endocannabinoid receptors: Believe it or not, endocannabinoid receptors are the most abundant type of neurotransmitter in the human brain. CB1 and CB2 are the two primary endocannabinoid receptors, and endocannabinoids bind to these receptors to send signals to the ECS. Depending on what the body needs (e.g., lower temperature, fight against inflammation, relieve pain, etc.), these receptors will then fire out signals to the rest of your body.

Enzymes: Once endocannabinoids have discovered a problem, bound to a receptor, and have shot a signal to the body, they need to be disposed of properly. Your body produced on-demand endocannabinoids, and excess cannabinoids are quickly deleted and dissolved. There are two primary enzymes responsible for this deletion: fatty acid amide hydrolase and monoacylglycerol acid lipase.

So, the typical “flow” of the endocannabinoid system works something like this. Your body recognizes that you’re dealing with some inflammation. You produce endocannabinoids to deal with the problem. These endocannabinoids attach to the CB2 receptor and shoot a signal to the rest of your body to produce anti-inflammatory agents. After it’s done, enzymes break it down and dispose of the cannabinoid.

So… what does that have to do with epilepsy?

The FDA, CBD, Epilepsy, and a Few Rats: How CBD Become a Focal Point of the Fight Against Epileptic Seizures

According to leading research and studies, CBD seems to contain a variety of pharmacological properties, including anti-inflammatory, neuroprotectant, anti-anxiety, analgesic, anticonvulsant, and analgesic properties. For now, we’ll focus on CBD and its possible anticonvulsant property, though (again) CBD contains a variety of highly-researched properties that are showing promise across a wide range of conditions and disorders.

Interestingly, CBD doesn’t bind very well to CB1 or CB2 receptors. We say that’s surprising because when you look at other cannabinoids like THC, they have a strong agonist (i.e., binding) response to endocannabinoid receptors, so the fact that CBD rarely bonds to these receptors and floats somewhat free-form in your body makes them relatively novel compared to other cannabinoids.

In fact, CBDs potential anticonvulsant properties have little to do with endocannabinoid receptors. Instead, CBD triggers unique responses in the ECS, which starts bonding processes for a variety of ion channels, neurotransmitter transporters, and transmembrane receptors.

We won’t go too in-depth into the biological functions of CBD, since there is plenty that’s still not fully understood. However, CBD’s unique anticonvulsant properties seem well-proven in studies. To help, illustrate CBD’s impact on epileptic seizures, let’s look at a timeline of the beginning of CBD seizure research:

In 1997, researchers found that CBD actively reduced seizures in mice exposed to a variety of seizure-induced methodologies (e.g., electroshock, cocaine, etc.)

In 1978, researchers (using the previous study) tested CBD supplements with human participants with epilepsy. They found that the group taking CBD showed significantly fewer seizures than the control group, with a few even eliminating their seizures for the duration of the trial. This was a trial with small sample size.

In 1979, researchers found that CBD protected rats from seizures created from significant electroshocks.

In 1980, researchers took two groups of epilepsy patients and gave on group CBD. They found that the CBD group experienced significantly fewer seizures, with one patient becoming seizure-free during the trial.

Obviously, there was initial excitement. However, two immediately-following studies questioned the power of CBD. Ames et al. (1986) found no significant seizure changes, and the same problem was found with Trembly et al. (1990). This led to a bit of a lag in CBD-related seizure research. Come to find out, those two studies weren’t only anomalies, but CBD shows promising results against the two most aggressive forms of epilepsy — Lennox-Gastaut syndrome and Dravet syndrome.

Two major studies — Devinsky et al. (2016) and Devinsky et al. (2017) — showcased how powerful CBD was as an anticonvulsant for patients with these “catastrophic” (i.e., life-threatening and ongoing) types of epilepsy.

A year later, the FDA approved the first-ever drug containing a cannabinoid.

Epidiolex — which is a purified CBD solution — was approved by the FDA for epilepsy treatment in 2018. The medicine showed remarkable capabilities in controlled clinical trials, which have since been released to the public. Currently, CBD trials are ongoing for a variety of other seizure-inducing disorders, including Tuberous Sclerosis Complex (TSC) and Sturge Weber Syndrome (SWS).

Important note: If you suffer from Lennox-Gastaut syndrome or Dravet syndrome, do not start taking over-the-counter CBD oils as a treatment plan. Discuss your treatment options with your doctor.

Cannabinoids: The Gangs All Here

Obviously, seizure treatment is one incredibly exciting research subject happening with CBD at the moment. But it’s only one piece of the cannabinoid puzzle. Cannabinoids play an important role in your body, helping you maintain homeostasis. So far, we’ve talked primarily about CBD, but that’s just one of over a hundred phytocannabinoids that have been identified in the Hemp plant. Full-Spectrum Hemp Oil provides a holistic combination of all of these cannabinoids. So, while the two most prevalent cannabinoids are THC and CBD, there are a variety of others that are showing promising research, including:

CBG (Cannabigerolic acid)

CBGV (Cannabigerovarinic acid)

CBC (Cannabichromenenic acid)

THCV (Tetrahydrocanabivarinic acid)

CBCV (Cannabichromevarinic acid)

CBDM (Cannabidiol monomethylether)

CBDV (Cannabidivarin)

CBDV (Cannabidivarinic acid)

CBT (Cannabitriol)

plus 110 more!

That’s a lot of cannabinoid action! Currently, up to 40 percent of Americans have tried CBD products, and millions more are jumping on the bandwagon yearly. People are using CBD to treat anxiety, improve performance, improve mood, and reduce tension, and alleviate strain. But what about all of those other compounds? What do they do?

Well… we aren’t perfectly sure. So far, we’ve seen research on over fifty of these cannabinoids, and early research is mind-blowing — to say the least. Here’s a teaser of some of the new research coming out surrounding these other cannabinoids:

Researchers found that CBG reduced inflammation in mice reduced pressure behind the eye in glaucoma patients, and showed promise as a neuroprotective agent.

Research suggests that CBC has promising anti-bacterial and anti-fungal properties.

GW Pharmaceuticals is currently showing promising results using CBCV to slow the onset of diabetes.

CBDV also shows promise as an anticonvulsant, with early rat studies suggesting it may alleviate seizures and reduce nausea.

THCA (which is non-psychoactive) shows promise in rat studies as a nausea reducing agent.

CBN may reduce inflammation and fight against viruses and microbes.

The list goes on and on and on. In other words, research is still in its infancy. Remember, Hemp was outcast for most of the past fifty years. So, researchers are now starting to dive into the wonderful and complex world of this plant, how it relates to our bodies, and what it’s capable of providing to us as humans.

But here’s the most interesting thing: these phytocannabinoids seem to work together. Believe it or not, isolated CBD (outside of medical uses) may not provide its full benefits alone. It needs its gang of friends.

The Value of Full-Spectrum Hemp Oil

Did you know cannabinoids are only one part of the Hemp plant? Hemp also contains vitamins, minerals, and other beneficial compounds like Flavonoids and Terpenes (which are used in aromatherapy). Together, all of these compounds and nutrients make up your lovable Hemp plant. And nature made it that way for a reason.

Imagine Hemp as a salad. CBD is the ever-so-delicious spinach. It’s abundant, packed with benefits, and often sold separately. On its own spinach is great. But when you combine it with the right veggies, dressing, and spices, it turns from great into downright amazing.

The same can be said for Hemp Oil.

Researchers have started to notice something interesting: all of the compounds in Hemp are synergistic. We call this the True Entourage Effect

. Those phytocannabinoids, terpenes, flavonoids, vitamins, and minerals are all present in Hemp for a reason. And they all play an amazing role in your body. Alone, they provide ample value. Research suggests that cannabis flavonoids and terpenes may have neuroprotective properties, and vitamins and minerals are critical for your body to function. But together, they make magic.

That’s why many consumers are turning towards Full-Spectrum Hemp Oil as opposed to isolated CBD products. Not only does the CBD extraction method often damage cellular walls and linings, but it strips all of these amazing compounds out of the end product. Today, people are using CBD for a variety of reasons. They may find that it helps with their mood, recovery, anxiety, or skincare routine. Unfortunately, many consumers quickly rush towards CBD due to its name recognition.

In most cases, this is a mistake. Full-Spectrum Hemp Oil provides CBD, but it also gives you thousands of other compounds that work synergistically with that CBD to provide a more holistic experience.

Are You Looking for Full-Spectrum Hemp Oil?

The benefits of Hemp Oil keep piling up. Hoping to reduce anxiety, improve mood, and reduce acne, millions of American consumers are adding Hemp Oil to their daily routine. At Synchronicity

, we believe in the power of nature.

That’s why our world-class patented Hemp plant provides access to thousands of compounds like cannabinoids, flavonoids, terpenes, vitamins, and minerals. We combine our industry-leading LipidTrans

Infusion process with our genome-defining hemp to create a holistic, GMO-free Full-Spectrum Hemp Oil for your body. We’re driven by science and inspired by nature. Contact us to learn more about Synchronicity’s

amazing Full-Spectrum Hemp Oil solutions

The post CBD for Epilepsy Approved by the FDA: What You Need to Know appeared first on Synchronicity.

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