#but my health issue is just won't let me do whatever I want I guess

[haru-chi]

The True Identity of Matoba Seiji's sister?

this is something that's been on my mind lately, I may be overthinking this and reading too much into things. I have a crazy theory on my mind so thought I wanna share it before I explode by myself xD

what I have next are from chapters yet to be translated so if you don't wanna be spoiled then don't continue reading :)

before I start I just wanna emphasize all of what I'm gonna say is purely my own theories and ideas, also my Japanese is bad so I might make some mistakes thus if you noticed anything I'd be glad if you can correct me ^^

lastly, I don't know how long this post will turn out to be so sorry in advance ><

-What about Shinobu?

i want to start with this first to clear out the way, of why I don't believe Shinobu to be Seiji's sister. but another twist from Midorikawa-sensei (I mean how many times did she makes us suffer in figuring out the true identity of Seiji's sister for me to trust her easily now)

she started and ended this chapter in a way that makes you believe that Shinobu is THE miss Matoba but is she really ??

Shinobu said "really? thank you I'm glad to hear that"

is that enough to point out to herself and not to someone she knew perhaps? for example, she knew Seiji's sister or work for her so she's happy to hear someone praise her?

I really don't trust her since her deep knowledge of the exorcist world means she's not normal therefore she's in it one way or another but in what form I don't know yet, yup yup even her being Seiji's Sister isn't even 0% but I just find it weird and doesn't add up for now for me ...

I mean she can't even see the Yokai!! (Unless she lied which I doubt) now tell me, is a future leader of the Matoba clan someone who can't see Yokai? we all know what that means for a successor of an exorcist family to lose the sight. plus, if I'm not mistaken, the talk was that Seiji was more powerful than her which's why he was picked over her despite being the youngest so it was not because he was able to see the Yokai unlike her ... in short, his sister should be able to see the Yokai but Shinobu can't!!!

"a long-haired, elegant well-dressed woman"

and this important detail by Tanuma's investigation worth taking into note, since if the thief is truly Seiji's sister, then that's NOT Shinobu unless you consider Shinobu having a long-hair xDD

so you see now why I don't believe her to be Seiji's true sister (I have other reasons but we'll come up to it next)

-If not Shinobu then who?

now we're back to square one huh, Midorikawa-sensei sure love to torture us in this arc and tease us to no end while making us suffer (which's why I love you tho ~)

before I point out to who I believe to be his sister I wanna point out to something else so you can see my line of thinking :)

listen, I don't know how or why I thought that other than I followed my intuition since I read too much into Seiji's character while thinking and linking things together (this guy is making me go crazy! I'm so sorry I have nothing better to back me up here so bear with me please ><)

we all know that Seiji doesn't like divination and guess what, I believe the reason of why is that lies with his sister one way or another.

please DON'T ask me why I think so since it's hard to explain without sounding insane xDD

BUT IT'LL MAKE SENSE I PROMISE JUST WAIT FOR IT!!!

I mean this sweet, lovely chapter was in fact a soft set-up for this Miss Matoba arc which thinking about it now let me laugh that Midorikawa-sensei did it to us yet again lol

okay okay, stop this and just tell us who is this Miss Matoba already !!!

now let's review what we believe are hints to Seiji's sister

someone with a blond long hair

someone who should be able to see Yokai but we've yet to know if this person can or can't (meaning someone NOT Shinobu)

Someone who love or do divination (since Seiji hates it)

someone we never get to know their REAL names (again aside from Shinobu)

someone having an interest in anything Yokai related

someone who should be in this arc.

now tell me, does anyone comes to mind maybe ? someone whom for some reason mysteriously disappeared ever since she set foot into the auction perhaps ??

true, I meant her. Kurara or whatever her name is. no matter which way I slice it she just fit everything in my mind so I just can't help but think she is the REAL Miss Matoba. her disappearing ever since she dropped Natsume isn't really helping her case tbh. she also love and do divination which just so fit with my idea that his sister have something to do with divination which's why he isn't a big fan to that ><

and I said it to a friend, I just won't believe who's Seiji's sister till I see them both facing each other so nope I won't fall for Midorikawa-sensei trap AGAIN!!!

I know this might be far-fetched but I just couldn't stop thinking about it since alot was bothering me and I read into many things too much maybe but I HAD to let it out my chest so yup here you have it <3

-Bonus :Ultra small crazy theory

this one is ... ummm... listen... I know Seiji is making me go crazy and this one I just DON'T have any proof to really back it up like him hating divination because of his sister so just take this with grain of salt ... it just ... I WANTED TO JUST SHARE IT SINCE MY FIREND WAS GONNA KILL ME OF HOW CRAZY I AM TO COME UP WITH THIS !!!!

i mean if I said ... Kuro Misa (Black Misa) might refer to two people will you say I'm going crazy? haha ha ha

Seiji is very handsome indeed, but would you describe him as "doll-like beauty" ?? (you are to me at least, don't worry) not with that eyepatch at least, right ? if there's someone whom I would say is a "doll-like beauty." it would be Kurara.

one line hit me as being weird and my mind went "wait!! is it possible?!! what if ...!!!!" ever since I moved with the line of thoughts that Kurara is Seiji's sister ... umm... it's rumors and I know people never really know much about Kuro Misa ... but certain line felt off to me which was "she was beautiful like a doll" when describing Kuro Misa before we know it was actually Seiji's other hidden identity.

Kuro Misa wear a black veil that no one ever saw her face or have any idea what kind of a person she is, so it won't be far-fetched for people not to notice if it's two different person under the veil.

and it didn't help my case that this arc started with Kurara like this ... even Natsume thought she was Kuro Misa ><

this brings me to think that, what if Seiji created Kuro Misa in respond to his sister? so that he can keep an eye on her movement or to at least be in the same circle as her. which's why he picked such a character that is so unlike him since he just hate divination so why bother being known as someone famous of such a thing?? (I swear this man deserve all the respect for all the things he just do to protect his clan but no one ever appreciate it T^T)

Seiji also said that wearing a veil is very helpful since it will help him to recognize the faces of anyone whom tries to come closer to him to uncover his secrets, but what if a hidden/indirect meaning is also that if someone whom thought he was his sister thus come closer to talk to him that would help him recognize his enemies or the people his sister tried to make contact with to let them join her side in her fight against the Matoba clan !!

I know all of this might not make any sense, and as I said this one is just a very crazy theory of mine that won't be true mostly but was fun to think about .. if I hit it close to the truth I'd be very shocked of myself tbh xDD

if you read it to the end I just thank you for bearing with me and my crazy thoughts and theories ~

don't mind my english if it sounded weird or such, not my native language.

If anyone have anything to add or wanna correct anything I'd be glad and happy to hear it, and if you think I'm crazy it's okay xDD

I can't wait for the next chapter to just drop since I'm losing my mind over thinking everything and coming up with crazy thought and theories while waiting ><

#natsume yuujinchou #matoba seiji #Shinobu #Kurara #natsume takashi #natsuyuu #Haru's theories #just me going crazy cuz I think about Seiji alot and everything related to him #the funny part was that I was thinking about Natori/Seiji but then I jumped to Seiji and his sister #I just have too many things on my mind when it comes to this manga #espacially Seiji .. he just make me lose my mind okay #I wonder if I can also share my other theories or analysis of this manga ? #this one been on my mind for a long time since I read the last chapter #but my health issue is just won't let me do whatever I want I guess #glad this saw the light of the day at least xD #if anyone find it interesting then I'd be happy #cuz I know how crazy my thoughts can be xDD

[jokeringcutio]

It's fun to see you deep in the Afton hole hehe

Buuuuut... I was just curious if you have any plans for your joker or Arthur harrow fics that are on hold

I didn't wanna seem rude begging for updates when you're in a fnaf fixation tho

Yes, Anon. I have (:

Sometimes I post updates about my writing process or personal life with info about these tales in it :) TLDR: In short: Joker's TMWCTBY will be completed - although I am considering only publishing the full tale in e-book form rather than posting the new chapters on AO3. Joker's Princess and the Clown is nominated to be continued. Joker's new tale is planned for when Joker 2 has aired. Harrow's Harrowing Love will be continued in the new year. A new story featuring Arthur Harrow and Albert Shaw will appear in the upcoming days. For more Details: Joker's 'The Man Who Claimed To Be Yours' was scheduled to be finished by the end of this year, or the start of next. Now unfortunately due to health issues that have me in and out of hospital and bedbound and asleep most of the time, that schedule probably won't be met. But I am still writing the tale and it's nearly done. Perhaps I will release the final chapters in an ebook adaptation of it only - as a slightly rewritten story - because I wanted to turn the story into an ebook for years now and have the cutest cover for it :3 (Yep, man in asylum clothes but I find it cute).

Arthur Harrow's 'Harrowing Love' has been on hold writing-wise for a while now. I really need to continue writing on it, but decided that some of the chapters are more fit to be uploaded near Easter, and already announced the tale will be slow in updates and take off again next year :)

Joker's 'The Princess and the Clown' is one of the Joker 2019 tales I wish to pick up again but have been struggling with the changing perspectives. Also, I have been doubting where to take it. Romantic? Or Dark Romance? I seem to be doing that latter quite well the past year, but should I pull everything into the dark? I haven't decided yet and might do a poll about it one day. I expect I will be rewriting and updating this fic in the future.

Harrow will feature again in a new fanfic that I have started on. None of the chapters have been posted online yet, but it features the Reader as a young woman living trapped in his 'community', after having fallen for his charm. She is aware that escaping the cult is difficult and tries to make the best of it, until her secret crush - Harrow, who apparently has not looked at her romantically even once - forces her to marry his brother: Albert Shaw. This is, as you can guess, a crossover with the Black Phone and will feature lots of smut. I want to upload this fic as soon as possible, so it'll probably be one of the fics you'll see appear soon that features our beloved cult leader Arthur Harrow.

Joker-wise, I have an idea for a multi-chapter fic that I desperately want to write in the future. Plans are to start that tale once TMWCTBY is finally done. But the idea should also fit whatever sequel they have been making, so if I get round to it, you'll probably see it appear only after Joker 2 is out.

As to other projects, there are some more up and running. Of course, there are my other favorite slasher men, and I might write about one of my favorite ladies if I have the chance. I still have tales I need to finish for friends, and I am attempting to write something in a different language for a competition currently. But most of all, I am asleep in my bed, missing a lot of my life currently and having not nearly enough time to do everything I want. I am a mom with two young kids, who had to quit her job due to long covid. The long covid has given me Asthma. I was already a Migraine patient thanks to a benign tumor in my youth. And let's just say I am receptible to them. I am facing abdominal surgery soon and hopefully stop the pains, aches and goddamn bleeding (to everyone who has a blood fetish, you may keep it. I am not into it). I'll be in the hospital again tomorrow for a medical exam, so any updates in the upcoming days will probably be scheduled posts. But I love you all and will keep writing for as long as I can and whenever I can.

#anon answered

[sunnyie-eve]

Kitty Hawk(Pt.24)

Series: Never Leave You | OBX

Paring: (JJ Maybank x OFC! Rafe Cameron x OFC!)

Word Count: 1938

Warnings: fluff, taken

Last | Next

The next morning Callie wakes up to see she was alone and nothing from the group yet. Getting dressed for the day Callie walks out to see the yard was still a mess from the party a couple of days ago. To pass time she heads out to clean up till she gets a call or text from one of the Pogues.

"Hey, Callie." A random man walks into view so she stops picking up trash slowly walking back towards the house.

"I just want to talk to you." He slowly follows her.

"I'm good, thanks. I'm not interested in anything. Rafe will be back soon." She speeds up some, "Stranger danger." She tells herself going to open the door and Rafe pops up. "Help me."

"Can I help you?" He asks the man as another shows up.

"They're here to take Callie to Kitty Hawk." Will walks into view. "And I have the right." He pulls out a piece of paper.

"I'm 18! You have no right!" Callie shouts at him.

"My word against my daughter whose not right in the mind according to a doctor." Will smiles.

"You paid someone to say she has mental health issues?" Rafe moves Callie behind him to protect her.

"You know what a lot of money can do for you. People will do whatever depending on the price." Will says so one of the men grabs Callie's arm tugging her away. "Don't Rafe. Or I'll tell the truth because I know you did it." Will says as Callie fights the men as they force her around to the van.

"Rafe tell my aunt!" Callie screams as she's shoved into the van and he felt helpless.

"You're a terrible father." Rafe glares at Will.

"I care about her, Rafe. I want her to have a good future. I prefer her to be with a Kook over a Pogue... You may be a Kook but you're not good enough for her. Don't know what she suddenly sees in you." Will walks off.

Rafe didn't waste anytime going over to Callie's house to tell Tess. Once she opened the door Rafe walks inside, "They took her. They took her to Kitty Hawk. Will found out where she was. Take this and go to the doctor that Will paid to lie. Get him to tell the truth." Rafe gives Tess a bag of money. "I don't care how much but get her back."

Tess just stares at the bag of money, "Rafe, I can't take this."

"Yes, you can. You love your niece and you're the only one who has ever cared about her." Rafe tells her so she nods her head.

"Thank you, Rafe." She gives him a hug and he hugs her back.

Meanwhile with Callie, she just sits in the van and they tell her they have another kid to pick up. As they pull up to Kie's place Callie sees her so she bangs on the window warning her to go.

Kiara ends up getting shoved into the van as well begging her parents no banging on the window, "Well, we aren't making it to the plane." Callie looks over at her.

"How did you get caught?"

Callie thinks back trying to figure out where she went wrong, "I went to the country club to talk to Rafe and I guess someone saw me and told Will." Callie sighs.

"Quiet you two." The man in the passenger seat tells the girls.

Back with John B, Sarah, and JJ they wait for they others and Pope and Cleo show up but still no Callie or Kie.

"Where's Kie and Cal?" Pope asks.

"I done know. It's gotta be Kie's parents and who knows... Rafe probably won't let her leave the house." Sarah says so Pope says they'll just have to do it without them but JJ won't do it.

He takes the keys to the Twinkie asking for an hour to get the two. He learns for Kie's parents they sent Kie away but didn't say where she was so he rushes to Rafe's house.

"Rafe!" JJ bangs on the door, "Where's Callie!" He keeps banging so Rafe opens the door.

"Kitty Hawk took her. Will found out where she was. I already told Tess. She trying everything to get her back legally. I even gave Tess some money to bribe the doctor to admit he lied for Will." Rafe explains to him.

"I don't believe you for some reason." JJ scoffs making Rafe tilt his head.

"What you think I told Will she was here? Tell me Maybank, why would I do that to Callie? She told you what's going on between us and our relationship. I care about her. Ask Tess about the money and she will tell you I'm telling the truth." Rafe explains annoyed.

"I'm getting her back." JJ walks towards the Twinkie letting John B know what's going on.

The girls they finally arrive to Kitty Hawk and change into different clothes not really have a choice. Each are give a shitty take with a lady before being put in a cabin alone before going to the main one.

"So what's the story with Rafe now?" Kie tries to make conversation as they just sit around.

"Don't know. I'm falling for Rafe being around him but I still love JJ deep down. But I'm gonna do what my aunt said best bet is just stay single and let things happen till I 100% know my feelings. Don't worry about others for once in my life."

Kiara nods her head, "JJ still loves you too. When we got back after you broke up with him, I went to visit him. He told me I missed my chance. Yeah, he liked me in the past but he loves you. You were his everything and  he don't have that anymore. He doesn't have parents, and he doesn't have a house. He doesn't have shit. Then he add, No Morgan stays with a Maybank... before riding off." Kie says making Callie sad but that's not her fault really. He did it to himself.

A little time passes before a lady calls the girls to talk to them, "I'm sorry, but at Kitty Hawk, we feel you have the strength to hear all the news, including bad news." The lady says confusing them.

"What happened?" Kie asks.

"Well, Callie's cousin was here a minute ago."

"What cousin?" Callie asks confused because she didn't know any.

"A young man, blonde. He asked me to tell you both that Marley, well, he passed away."

"Like Bob Marley? Cause..." Kie didn't catch on but Callie did so she starts to act said.

"No. Your Siamese mix, Marley." Kie was taking a minute to Callie makes herself cry.

"I gifted him to you. I love him just like you did." Callie has tears in her eyes so Kie acts as well so the lady hugs them before leaving them.

"Fucking JJ..." Callie laughs as they sit down.

"I know." Kie chuckles.

As more time passes the girls are relocked so Kie leaves a message for a JJ to see. "Girls, this is Kiara and Callie. They've had some tough family news. Let's show them some empathy and love, okay?" The other woman says as they are walled to they bunk as all the girls look at them.

"Friendly, huh." Callie stand next to the bunk looking up at Kie on top who nods her head.

All the way back to the other four waiting for JJ and the girls a bike shows up but it was Rafe and Ward. Ward extremely injured.

Sarah helps Rafe with her dad getting Ward on the plane. The others say no way they're going on with Ward but John B says it's their only shot getting to his dad.

"JJ's not back with Callie yet?" Rafe gets off the plane Pope stops him saying they aren't done for what he did to the cross. Rafe says nothing to him walking down the rest of the step's looking at Sarah.

"No, he's not back with Callie or Kie." She turns to walk onto the plane.

"Please take care of him." Rafe tells her before she gets on but she say's nothing back. "You do anything to him, anything, I swear to God I'll find you." Rafe says as John B walks up.

"How Will Callie feel about that? Since you apparently care about her." John B looks at his as they hear police sirens.

"If they somehow find a way to you tell her I said be careful." Rafe walks pass him.

Ward ends up talking to Rafe telling him thank you, "Don't thank me." Rafe tells him.

"Yep, yep, you're a good boy."

"I'm not." Rafe tell him.

"Yes, you are. Look. Doesn't matter what happens in the middle. It how you come out in the end. Look at me! Look at me! I know what you did, okay? I don't care, cause you came back for me, right? You're in control now. You're the man. All of it is yours, everything here. It's yours, son. You're the man now. You proved yourself, okay? You're the man. I love you, buddy." Ward hugs his son before gets up to go back in.

"You good?"

"Rafe, you are a good boy because Callie sees something in you and cares for you. I saw it in her eyes and I saw she can help you. Goodbye son." Ward says before the door shuts and everyone inside heard Ward say that.

Now at night at Kitty Hawk JJ sneaks into cabin six looking for the girls walking up all the girls in the cabin. "JJ." They say his names.

"Cals... Rafe told me where to find you." JJ smiles so she rushes over to him hugging him. "I just wanna let you know take all the time you need. I'll be waiting on the line of friend zone till you're ready to know how you feel." JJ tells her.

"I love you but I'm just staying single for awhile and let things happen till I 100% know my feelings but thank you." She kisses him sweetly making JJ smile.

"I love seeing you two make up in someway but we gotta get out of here." Kie walks up to the two as the cabin cheers.

"Let's go." JJ hugs Kie fast before they all bolt out of the cabin getting their ride for JJs pal to get on the plane JJ had ready for them to get to South America.

On the plane Kie sits thinking about her parents while JJ and Callie talk, "Even if you do pick Rafe in the end just know as your best friend I hate the idea because he jumped me."

Callie chuckles, "I still remind him of that and give him shit but I can say he's getting slightly better."

"Because of you. You're this miracle worker and you have this charm to make people fall for you."

"But Pope." Callie laughs.

"That's true. Wonder why?"

"Because we see each other as brother and sister." Callie explains to him, "Not like how John B saw me for you."

"Yeah..." JJ chuckles, "Rafe gave Tess some money to convince the doctor who lied for Will to tell the truth so Will can't have any right over you." JJ lets her know. Originally he wasn't going to tell her but he has to.

"He actually did that for me?"

JJ hated the look in her eyes, "Yes, he did. I didn't want to believe him but I know deep down he wouldn't lie about you."

Callie smiles, "Wonder how much he gave her because Will is loaded."

"I'm sure it's a good amount since he melted Pope's cross." Kie speaks up.

#obx #outer banks #obx ff #obx jj #obx john b #obx kiara #obx sarah #obx pope #obx rafe #jj maybank #john b routledge #kiara carrera #pope hayward #rafe cameron #sarah cameron #jj mayback imagine #obx jj maybank #rudy pankow #rafe cameron imagine

[motsimages]

I love my mother. We get along super great. I don't know how the fuck to tell her to stop helping me (her words) with my back problems by giving me MORE homework.

She knows I have a personal trainer, I am doing yoga, I swim, I stretch, I walk. But somehow, because I am in pain and I don't know I guess it makes her uncomfortable or something, she feels it's not enough.

Every once in a while she reminds me that I should lose some weight. She has now taken it to look for exercises, streches and tractions on youtube and sends it to me. I have to watch them and reply to her or else she will remind me about them by asking and commenting on them.

I have told her I'm busy, I literally have had days of not being able to rest or have a minute for myself. I reminded her that a) I already do my things and b) I cannot do more. I try to be kind and patient and explain to her that, while I thank her, I cannot do anything more.

I really feel like I'm stepping on eggshells sometimes because if I don't give her an answer or if I say something to put a limit to it, she will play the victim and snap back at me all passive aggressive. I know where all that comes from but really, do I need this kind of extra pressure when I have a problem that won't be solved with sports or physiotherapy and *she knows it*?

My situation can be improved. I can have less pain and more mobility but I have a couple of health issues that really limit how well I can get. At any given moment I'm doing my best and putting all the chances by my side. Still not enough, according to her, somehow.

And I know that I either nod and smile and then do whatever I want or she will play the victim. This fucking stresses me and I cannot tell her, because she will play the "oh it's all my fault" card.

I swear to god, I told her to go to a psychologist over a year ago, she didn't and I am here managing the situation as if I have energy to spare because she won't.

Even if I chose not to do anything, and if she thinks I'm not doing enough, it would be my fucking choice, wouldn't it? My mistake to make, my pain to feel. She wants to help me, knows she physically can't and brings her frustration to me through youtube physiotherapy tutorials and checking on me about it.

I swear, I told her I do the sun greeting thing of yoga and she sent me a tai chi video because those yoga exercises are too demanding. For fuck's sake, just let me be.

I am well over 30 years old, btw.

[tarotnoob]

@jafaar

With a couple of cards, there's an idea of some piece of life coming into or being in harmony or balance even. This could be all that it is or it could involve another person. I'm not necessarily seeing a person just because we have the page of cups. I'm seeing this more as having to do with life's purpose. But life's purpose can include soul tribe people because your north node is also about destiny. So we won't rule it out but I'm leaning more toward in general life's purpose. With 10 of pentacles, we also know that we are probably talking about stability of some kind, particularly in career or studies. It could even be a health issue.

Knight of cups could represent you or someone else. So there is this kind of dreamy romantic element, I also see seven of cups as the card of a dreamer. In this deck, it has a very fluffy meaning compared to the usual uncertainty or fantasy. In this deck, it's more about an energy surrounding you. So that's kind of why I want to talk about intuitive impressions more so than the meanings for now. But I feel a really positive energy coming if it hasn't already started that would have to do with your purpose or at least progress forward toward a destination in the near future. Related more toward usually I associate life purpose with career not that they are the same thing but usually what drives us that way pushes us in that direction. There is a creative element too.

There's a lot of emotion. It would make me think that if you are pursuing a creative path, that might be the most harmonious for you. It could also be that there is a lot of creative or emotional energy within you that if directed toward that purpose would make sense. And with 10 of pentacles it again makes me think more toward career. When you look at the cards, what I'm getting is we know this is about your destiny or purpose, whatever. I'm sure you could look at your North Node too and have an idea of generally what you might be here for. But, I guess I see it as let's say the seven of cups is this energy or talent inside you. Now it's been made external and put in the knight of cups cup. So it does seem like there's some type of channeling of taking whatever is inside and extracting it and taking action because with the knight, we now have action as opposed to the page.

So it seems like it's a process. And then when we look at the 10 of pentacles, it's kind of also shooting out your energy and since I consider it career, we'll say this seems mostly directed toward career again. But I also kind of feel this is a bit about your aura or energy. You might be a person that gets burnt out easily if you don't use proper boundaries with people or let's say when it comes to work, it's almost like more energy is coming out of you than it should. Like the idea of people who are able to balance their energy. Like if I do so many readings, I might get headaches or I might feel tired because I'm really bad about having practices for preserving my energy. This isn't like a big message in the cards I'm just looking at it as whatever you seem to do in the life, a lot of the inner energy is coming out in order to create whatever this is or just do what you do.

Because the 10 of pentacles person is kind of like laying there and they look worn out and they could be sick and it does have this extra meaning of health to me. So just as a warning I guess even if this isn't about boundaries, this is just about the natural process of how much energy you give out toward a project. Like an excess of passion I guess we'll say. Or an excess of emotion attached to that passion so you might get worn out. You might even have like a moments of super high energy or creative energy and then probably low moments.

This harmony card might even be about being in search of that perfect harmony of what's the right balance of what you put out versus how you preserve. And that could go for anything. That could go with relationships and what you put out or work or even exercising. It doesn't matter.

It also could plainly read with seven of cups being more about that daydreaming or fantasy and knight of cups is similar. This could simply be somebody daydreaming about their life's purpose in regard to money or career. But in theory, it would look like somebody who is creative anyway and has the ability to think of creative worlds. It could be writing but it could be anything where you have a creative vision and then bring that to life in your career. But it could also be the process you have for manifestation. Because your imagining something you have a desire for something you have an emotional attachment to it and then the 10 of pentacles is like creating something stable with this.

But also in general, I would say and I've seen this with a lot of readings lately and then I was watching a reader on YouTube say this where she had this weird notion that soon a lot of people were going to get what they want like their biggest wishes come true. And I've seen something like that. I don't even know how that would be possible but a lot of the cards have been like okay you're about to be rewarded for whatever. Which you hear a lot but like when has it ever actually happened. Lately, I have noticed that I have had better luck though. And more opportunities coming my way. And that's after like years of drought.

And in a superficial sense of reading the cards together very positively, it just looks like something positive happening in your future that has to do with an alignment regarding your purpose. Your sole purpose. But at the same time it also looks like it's going to move forward in career or fortune. I mean you can't get anything better than the 10 of pentacles when it comes to stability or career success or financial improvement.

But let's talk about the clarifiers. I have been seeing the tower come out for pretty much everything. So I wonder if there's something happening in Aries or Mars is doing something. I'm too lazy to look sorry. But to clarify 7 of cups we have the tower and queen of pentacles. You can read a tower negatively if you want because it's a scary process of things crumbling. But you can also read it as that Mars energy of getting something done. Although usually it ends up meaningful. So there could have been a time in your life recently when you might have procrastinated.

Because 7 of cups does have that meaning of uncertainty or you know simply having your head in the clouds. Just daydreaming about something whereas the tower and queen of pentacles makes me think of somebody having that take action energy regarding let's say career. But it's still that tower definition of breaking something down if before you were in that energy of procrastination and not doing much but something happens to break you out of that. It can be a shock it can be whatever but essentially it breaks you out of stagnancy even if it sucks. And it doesn't always have to be terrible but it kind of lights a fire under your ass. I am seeing it more as something like that because queen of pentacles is here. So something might have happened to trigger you into meeting to take action whether it's career money studies.

But you're moving out of that sort of stagnant energy I think. It could also still involve that energy plus whatever fantasy or manifestation that you had been dreaming of and now suddenly you have the energy or doors are opening toward that which is why you're getting the north node. And also the trine looks like a path has been cleared. We have a harmonious open path between destinations. So we have progress. And if it's not something external that's changing this could be related to an internal shakeup as well. I would think it's probably a little bit of both because if you have an internal shake up, it's probably going to lead to some action being taken. Also with the queen of pentacles there, even though the tower can break something down, it breaks it down in order to rebuild it into something way more solid. Which is exactly what the queen of pentacles does.

I mean you could also have a Mars in an earth sign or water sign. And if that were true or even if it's not, I would guess maybe your Mars might be tied to your process for creativity or work. That's kind of natural anyway because I always associate Mars with being tied to what we're passionate about. So but as a note, if you haven't already, you could look toward whatever Google says about your Mars placement and how to work with that to initiate success or getting out of a period of stagnancy or creative blocks because probably it will say you might end up doing this so now you have to do this well you get the idea.

Now we have 10 of pentacles clarified by 5 of pentacles.

This might come back to what I was saying about the energy. Because five of pentacles is that lack. It can be a mental or spiritual lack or it can be a financial lack or just a lack. Because when you have the ten of pentacles and then this card is clarifying, I would think and not feeling very well or having financial difficulties or just not having stability in some area of life. But in both cards, it does look like the figure is reaching for these pentacles. But the pentacles could be goals, but it could be money. You could have had some kind of situation recently where you needed money or had to spend a lot of money on something or maybe with something that you want to do in relation to career or studies would involve having to spend some money. And maybe that's a concern.

Or maybe you had a medical bill to pay recently. I'll try to put this all together as a whole after I go through everything though. Because they should all be related as messages. That's why it makes sense to think that there could be a lack going on in resources of something you want to do or just having a passion for something but maybe having a tough time finding the right job. But we'll see.

So the knight of cups is clarified by a ton of swords which kind of was more reversed. So that could be an issue of an ending still being stuck before you can move on. And the thing that stuck could be related to this lack of some kind. It also came out with the emperor. This it would make sense if it was tied to the Mars situation where I said there was some procrastination or stagnancy in an area that needed to be broken out of. Or it could even be in a certain mindset for a while that wasn't super ambitious or not having a lot of energy. Because the emperor again we have that Aries energy.

Maybe you have a strong Aries placement or some Mars thing happening. And again this could be tied to your Mars in that perhaps it's in a retrograded placement where I feel like sometimes if we have something in retrograde we have to work a little bit harder or the effects can be the opposite if it wasn't in retrograde. I mean here it would make me think Mars in air or water. Which I did say water before. Or maybe there's a cusp situation. Anyway. What it looks like is something could be stuck in terms of an emotional situation. an emotional state of mind or something that you're working through. And it's preventing you from taking action or getting organized or disciplined about something. It makes me think it's more of an emotional mindset than a lack of resources but I guess it could be both. But we seem to be dealing with a lot of cups so. It could be that there's an emotional feeling about something and I don't want to say it's doubt but it could just be sometimes if I were to interact with a water sign, they could just be sort of wishy-washy. As opposed to a fire sign who's going to take action naturally. And perhaps this emotional thing that someone is working through is tied to this five of pentacles. It could be somebody feeling down because they don't have the money to pursue something.

Like if you don't have the money to pursue the studies you want to take or a class you want to take or to travel to whatever destination you need to. And so you start feeling bad about that and then you're like well if I can't do that then I can't do anything. That's just an example. You might be able to apply that to anything. But it does feel like there's something stuck, that you want to do or desire to do or has to do with a creative project and it's like before you can do it, something has to be confronted or has to change. And usually the 10 of swords is something that would come up if it's difficult. Like it doesn't feel great, it makes you worry, it's not a great mind state. Granted it could be none of that and you could have an issue with an Aries lol. Because the knight of cups plus these clarifiers could be unable to detach from a romantic situation with an Aries.

But I don't know that for sure so I am not going to dwell on that but if it was any kind of situation like that, there might have been some type of breakdown with this person that would question trust or there is an issue of stability with this person, long-term. Doubting that there's a long-term possibilities here. We're having fantasies about the long-term being broken down. But you can apply this to whatever the situation actually is for you. If it's your goals or career. Because there do seem to be doubts about a long-term stability or if this is really going to work.

Once you move past that energy which I would guess is making you not take any action into okay I want to do this and then going for it, then I think the 10 of swords flips in the cycle moves forward. I think it wants to anyway because that's why the tower is here. It's here to break down whatever things are keeping you from going for it. And then once you go through that, I think the energy of the universe is waiting for you to do that so it can push you toward your destination. I almost feel like it would happen like the engine of a space shuttle. Like it just needs to ignite and then you're going to like be in the atmosphere in 5 seconds. I mean I feel like this five of pentacles and the ten of pentacles are trying to reach for the stars. The seven of cups suggests there's a fantasy or a daydream or an energy for something that you want. The knight of cups is also looking into this cup and apparently imagining something that they have an emotional attachment to the project or outcome. Like there's an emotional investment in this.

So honestly the only thing blocking your way is I guess yes it could be financial resources. Like if you wanted to become a musician, you need to have money to rent a studio or take lessons or get an agent. Those could be issues. It could be that the timing has never felt right and you were always searching for like the right moment or some type of stability to happen before you would go for it. Like maybe if things will just calm down in life I could work on this. It could be all kinds of things but. I just know that you have to move from the fantasy realm into actually manifesting it like the emperor would or the magician.

Let's talk about the numbers before I clarifyed. We had five seven 10. So we have truth and we have conflict or challenge or change and a cycle. So there's something that has to be learned or found out or understood regarding how you react to change or conflict or that conflict itself revealing a truth to you. And this being a lesson or a cycle that you have to get through in order to make it through the next door. I mean you have a couple more sevens in the clarifiers as well so that's clearly the predominant thing. You have another 10. And you have a four which talks about stability. But seven and 10 is definitely. And then yeah you have two fives. So obviously those are the important numbers. Or 1057 could be important in some way or 157 since 10 reduces down to a 1. So there's something about your life purpose that will revolve around that truth you need to discover that comes from conflict. It could be like how you act when conflict comes, do you rise to the occasion or it's that something will be revealed to you through this change or conflict that will I don't have a reason to say empower you because there's no eights here.

But there's a truth that you need to discover. And we kind of already went through that with the cards that there's a lot of internalizing mostly of something emotional more than mental even though we have the ten of swords here too so I guess it's a bit of both but I feel like this is more like heart-centered than brain-centered. And when I think of heart or water, I think of a desire. And I feel like when we talk about life purpose, we mostly are following that path based on how we feel about something. Things that excite us or scare us or make us feel bad. That's how we instinctually or intuitively know how to go toward it or go away from it. But it looks like you're going through a process of trying to like you already feel that but then maybe there's an external component of okay now how do I achieve it. How do I go for it. How do I execute this. And like I said this struggle to execute or find stability or go after this might be an issue with your Mars placement or if there's anything you struggle with in regard to an Aries placement. Or first house I guess. And maybe too you have something wonky in your first or 7th or 5th or 10th house. We know first is about the self, 7th is relationships, 5th house is Leo so recognition or courage even children, 10th house is career or work ethic. So maybe there are things to be worked out regarding not just career stuff but I guess it could bleed over into relationships too. Or it could depend on what's in your 7th house.

So yeah without really having more details about a specific situation. Maybe there is this at least inkling or starting of a desire of how do I get to where I need to go to be happy or my life is in the most harmony or just how do I get there. And it's like I want this and I'm reaching but something. And that but something seems to be related to masculine or Aries energy. Taking action. Not just leaving it in ether or having it be a daydream but how are you going to take this thing that you want and make it happen. And if there was a doubt, I would say that in order for anything to change or to actually happen with this dream that you have, it's not going to fall in your lap.

It's not like opportunities are suddenly going to appear at the very first couple of steps to be like okay this is going to get you where you need to go. I see it as you'll have to step up in some way to initiate the change. And then you'll probably be rewarded for whatever effort you make. But you'll have to make the climb and go from five of pentacles to 10 pentacles if that's where you want to end up. If you want the financial and career success and the money. You'll have to have a plan. You'll have to be strategic. You're not going to get there on desire or fantasizing or wishful thinking alone. You actually have to do stuff. And I think probably in the recent path you weren't really taking that route. So if it hasn't happened already, some tower thing will happen to get you moving.

It could be like losing a job or getting kicked out of the house or something that will start with loss and it will feel like it sucks, but it's probably going to happen in order to get you to get off your butt. And that might be why the 10 of pentacles and 5 of pentacles are together because it's like you have to lose something or learn a lesson in order for you to gain some clarity or truth, and then that clarity will push you toward action and change. And it's also whatever happens, is part of your destiny. And it's meant to put you on that more harmonious path or line up with your actual path. Because imagine if we didn't have the trine card. And we somehow got this card where you were zig-zagging or looping around. Which is I think where you have been but the universe wants to push you into this the right path. To get you on any path really but whatever it does that might seem sucky or discouraging is me to get you on the path where you're supposed to go.

You'll probably have some idea of this anyway because there's a feeling of knowing and resigning to it. You might even see it like that too and realize okay this is just part of the plan. Or maybe there is a little bit of like why is this happening and that's why the tent of swords is wanting to be kind of reversed because it's like is it really destiny or am I imagining it, did I do something wrong am I being punished. I would say no. It's just like route correction. Like imagine your guides as GPS people and you miss your turn and then the GPS is like okay now do this. And you could choose to be like well I think I should just take a left. And that didn't help but your guides are still going to be like okay do this now and we'll get you to where you need to go.

So hopefully that helps. I really feel strongly that you need to check out your Mars Aries stuff because I really feel like your Mars placement plays a part in obstacles as well as giving you momentum forward if you know how to deal with its energies. Or your chart is like something significant in Aries plus water plus earth. I guess too it would be interesting to know what your north node is in if it's in something earth water or fire. I mean it does seem to be pushing you toward fire. And perhaps your south node was in water. It could be flipped I guess but anyway. You should also look at your south and north node. Perhaps you've been relying too much on the qualities of your South node and that's what's kind of keeping you in a comfort zone situation. And you might need to push yourself more into whatever your north node says you're supposed to do.

A lot of people have received that get out of your comfort zone message lately. And when I look at the queen of pentacles too and the seven of cups is also about staying in that safe place and fantasy land. And the queen of pentacles on her own would be someone who can start her own business and knows how to manage everything but at the same time the picture seems like you know she's very comfortable where she's sitting, she seems very cozy. But the tower would shake you out of that. The tower would come up behind you and push you out of your chair. So it does seem like that sorry get out of your comfort zone, it's time to go toward your north node destiny and we're going to do whatever we have to to put you on that path. So good luck with that.

also the times i noticed from when i started were 10:10 and 11:01

#individual reading #tarot reading #general reading #jafaar

[anothershittyaccount]

So my partner has decided to do a mediated divorce. We consulted with several mediators and ultimately agreed on one. I will call in the next few weeks to begin the process. We have verbally and in written form already agreed to not go after each others assets. I mean if that changes, I will certainly go after her hard if she comes after me but so far things seem positive. The only issue is the dogs. I'm not going to legally commit to some custody agreement, sure she can see the dogs but it's not going to be some formalized schedule that is legally binding.

Since she moved into her parents house, her mental health has greatly deteriorated. Her parents are controlling, aggressive and have always been hostile toward me. When she initially disclosed to her parents one of her many affairs, they thought it was great that she was in love with a "real man," even tho that dude ended up being 1 of 2 romance scammers who stole a large sum of money from her, and whom she still "loves" and is in communication with. Her parents won't let her out of their sight and encouraged her to get back in communication with the scammers, signed her up for a high stress online course to isolate her and keep her under their supervision at all times, constantly demand hugs from her, stare at her and check up on her when she's gone for more than 10 minutes. They also follow her in a car when she runs. She is super distressed and depressed and has made some concerning statements.

When I asked her to leave, the plan was for her to come back occasionally on weekends for the dogs which were both excited for. But then her parents demanded she do a "clean break" and started suggesting they'd pay for a high profile divorce attorney. She is easily influenced and was initially just going along with whatever they said but now I think she's beginning to realize that what we had was so much better so ultimately she has decided to see me this weekend, we will meet at a park to take the dogs for a walk.

She has told them she will be taking the mediation route, and for now I think they have accepted that because I have a lot of hard evidence that's really damaging for her case. If our walk goes well, she may come over for a sleepover at my home where we've lived together for 13 years. I want to see her, I want to be with her, but I just cannot be married to her. I cannot be legally tied to marriage, the cons far outweigh the pros imho.

I feel like we can develop a new and better relationship. At this point, I envision her living elsewhere but us meeting regularly and her coming over on weekends. We've communicated every day since she's left and I'm just really trying to stay positive. She says she wants to be with me, she always tells me she loves me and is sorry for fucking things up. Sometimes when shes having a bad day, she takes it out on me but I want to be able to support her, she's been in my life for 17 years.

As long as I'm not legally connected to her financial decisions, I'm totally fine. She can spend her money how she wants, I don't even care about the romance scammers anymore. Since dday, I've been on the apps and I talk to people and have met up for a few dates, but have done anything sexual yet aside for a few sexts and nude pics. I feel like being in a less committed long distance relationship feels like it's what I need. And I guess I hope I can achieve that with her.

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

Do you know anyone who always makes themselves out to be the victim? HAHAHAHAHHAAAA...yep! umm got a pen and paper?? mostly my mom. nuff said.

Have you ever wished you had been born the opposite sex? I mean not like that, ya know? more like "would my life have been different HAD I been born different?"

What were some of your favorite books your parents read to you as a child? I can't really remember "bedtime stories" per se, but childhood stories...? of course all the typical nursery rhymes, then again as I was an adult and found Andrew "Dice" Clay (stand up comic back in the 80s/90s) and heard his new renditions...can never hear them the same again lmao

Have you ever been insulted or called names by a significant other? okay this is different given its by a significant other right..? ummm really not to my face, but cheating and seeing who I was cheated on with I think pretty much says it :|

What’s your favorite movie battle scene? oh god given I've never been huge into your usual action movies...umm most of mine to be honest? anything in the REAL Bourne movies..aka with Matt Damon, and yes that includes the whatever you wanna call it yeaars after the Renner one aka Bourne 4...when Matt was brought back? he still got it!

Do you drink more frequently than once a week? heh used to...let's not go there

Do you have any step-grandparents? umm yeah always have...one's passed, the other is still alive...

What is something popular that you refuse to participate in? TikTok dances...I mean I finally caved and downloaded the app itself, I just can't dance for shit XD sooo yeah won't see me trying any...except for the Applebees one since I worked there twice so it hits close to home and I may or may not have damn near memorized those moves off the commercial from tik tokers :P

Do you oftentimes find it difficult to relate to other peoples’ feelings? a lot...especially when it's those who "say" they can relate but first of all, not in your circumstances...two, as far as just in general? yeah I can relate wayy more on so much shit than they know, whether deep shit or just usual day to day..so...it varies. depends on the person and situation, including how I meet them...

What’s a common misconception about your country? oh lord lol I've seen so many memes about this, especially between us and Brits umm..the food. by all means, ours are so bad for you but from what I've seen recipe/custom "snack" or whatever wise? umm...we gotta talk lol and I got a bff from the UK and we constantly debate about this so I have inside info! XD

How far away do you live from the house you grew up in? oh god I moved around so much but my main one? 1 hr 56 mn drive, not sure if that's counting traffic lol

Have you ever been to a same-sex wedding? first of all, define "wedding"...but no but by all means get me my dress and I'm there!

Who takes care of your pet(s) when you’re out of town? I'm ALWAYS home since he's gone more than he's home so...our cat is well taken care of trust me. and she is a hellion given he's gone more than he's home so since I'm here, she takes it out on me :|

Do you practice meditation? Never

What’s your favorite Marvel movie? Black Widow is one right...? my bff constantly cosplays as her cause she loves ScarJo so yes...although I've always wanted to f*** Rob Downey Jr. sooo I guess Iron Man is mine? XD

What was the last thing you wrote down on paper? doc appointments to write on the calendar

What’s the population of your hometown? hard to answer given I moved around so much

Have you ever eaten Cajun food? What about Creole food? no I've never been a fan of spicy food to begin with but I have severe health issues that literally don't let me anyway

If you’ve had both, which cuisine do you prefer? look above

Did you have a Walkman when you were a kid? fuck yeah! who didn't? we were all trying to get one that had "no skip" so while we were on the bus we could have at least one song before we got to school!

What’s the most difficult experience you and a significant other have gone through together? umm...cheating. and it's ex. thank god...

What are your siblings’ names and ages? I've said this before..I have a stepsis by marriage who's Kayla and she's my age she's just two months before me lol...not gonna get into my sperm donor "half" brother....

What’s your favorite recipe you’ve come up with? I never have Have you ever worn false eyelashes? never

Do you pay much attention to local news? no I make it a point not to for the most part but I catch it every now and then

Have you ever attempted to pick a lock? Did you succeed? no but my fiance and I watch channels on Youtube that tell you how to lol

When did you last dust the baseboards in your home? next...

Do you prefer Japanese or Korean cuisine? Japanese.

What’s something you have zero tolerance for? animal abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, rape...

Do you know anyone who could be described as a religious fundamentalist? No

What was the last act of self-care you did for yourself? getting coffee for myself while he was at work

What grammar mistake do you find the most irritating? all of them

What will you be buying the next time you go grocery shopping? snacks aka junk food as always

Do you drink soda often? for the most part yeah

[playyinwithfire]

Lmao. Straight from the sad Boi desk. Yall get front row.

I want to have a kid. High key. None of this low key shit anymore. I just feel like it is impossible. Not only that, but who I am currently, it would be impossible.... just... that feels like a blow through my heart. I've never felt this way before? Or thought I would be the kind of person who would want kids. And yet. Here we are. Were I want a kid. Not just maybe. Desperately. And most dreams and goals I have seem achievable and reachable. This just, doesn't. It feels impossible. For so many reasons. So let's list them. (I would also like to say I wouldn't want kids until I'm at least 30. So I have some time. But no time is too early to begin planning for a small human)

(1)idk if my partner would want kids. Maybe. But maybe not. I'm just guessing at this point. (This is the same partner who forgot my birthday. So. Who the fuck knows if I could trust them with wanting to raise another human being together. So really good thoughts there.... nothing harmful or problematic) 🤗

(2)as of right now, Financials are a huge concern. Obvi. As they usually always are. I've considered the two big financial issues and have solutions. One, college (start a trust or savings that would have contributions from me, +1, and grandparents. I know my parents would probably willingly want to contribute and be super happy about it) and two being which parent would stay at home. And the fun fun answer is neither. We would probably both work. But I'd probably work less. And be the primary stay at home parent. My current jobs and work is flexible enough where I could choose certain days. I'd be forced to work weekends. 🙄 but whatever. Nothing new.

(3)I want to be near my parents when I bring small human into my life. And I want small human to be part of my parents life. I want to plan to have a kid in the winter. I'd have the most time off, most ability to rest, ect. But I could also go to my parents and spend significant time with them. That would be fantastic. I want them to be able to support me emotionally and spend time with tiny human. Also please God let me sleep as they can watch the small human for a little bit. 😭

(4) being alive is hard. And just.... little human won't stay little forever. They will become an adult. And they will feel pain. And probably battle mental health issues I can't shield them from. And id probablymake mistakes. Big ones. And id hurt them, without meaning too. And.... id do things that would tramatize them. And scar them.... (I do feel equipped to get them help. Have them see a therapist, take them to specialist, make it so they don't suffer more than they need to and feel supported) and this world sucks. Fucking sucks. And bringing a child into this world? Seems so selfish. So selfish. And that's a big reason. Do I only want a kid for me? (Yeah?) Is that wrong? Idk. Good thing I don't have a kid yet.

And obviously, no kid yet, or any in the near future.... but fuck. The thought of not having a kid is almost so painful it breaks my heart. And it feels like I'm right at the tip of the depression chasm and any thought that I let slip through into my consciousness concerning this will send me over the edge. Which is scary. So I'm trying not to think about it. Which isn't great either. Because I think about it more. Any kids I see laugh or smile. Or even crying. Jesus. Sends me right to that depression chasm. I'm not okah. And maybe that's okah.

God I can rant when I really get typing.

[tripletangotwister]

What if it was meant to be?

How do you let go of something you were so sure was meant to be? There was no closure, no explanation, everything was just left open ended. I tried so hard to keep my defenses up and keep my distance because I didn't want to risk getting hurt and I figured it wouldn't go anywhere, just like every other time, but you found a way past my walls when I wasn't paying attention, and said all the right things at the right times and I fell....hard. It all happened so quickly but it felt like we've known each other for years. I told you I have trust issues and you continued to reassure me that you weren't going anywhere, and somehow I believed you. You thought it was so funny when I told you, you were bad for my health, but I meant it... I knew if things didn't work out, my mental health would take a dive, and I was right. I try so hard to keep my head above water every day and that's part of why I stay single and keep sh*t to myself, but it's safe that way and I can control what affects my mood, but I let you have control and you ran with it. I always say that I don't regret anything because if it makes me happy in that moment, it's never time wasted, but I truly believe if I could go back in time, I never would've responded to your message. It's always easy to say that in hindsight because now I know that the end would leave me hurt, but I would've been ok with missing out on knowing you, even though I enjoyed our conversations and really thought what we had was going to last, the end result doesn't outweigh the parts I enjoyed. It's been over a week since I heard your voice and I can't get you out of my head. I go over our conversations like reruns in my head, and I keep telling myself I have to let go because I know it's over, but I can't seem to forget how you made me feel. I constantly try to figure out what happened that ended everything, and then I remember, nothing happened. You just disappeared in the middle of a conversation. My last text was never read, and you never called or texted again. Did something happen to you? Did something happen to your phone? Did you just simply decide you were done talking to me? Was all of this just bullshit, and you decided you were done playing with me and just didn't bother to end it? I can't figure it out, and because of that, I can't let go. I try to convince myself that I won't hear from you ever again, but in the back of my mind I still think that may not be the truth. I keep hearing what if it's meant to be? Then you'll call back eventually, when you sort out whatever cut communication between us, but I know that's dumb and I get mad at myself every time I think it might be true. I blame it on Mercury being in retrograde because during this time, everything seems to be a disaster, but I know that when it ends, you're not just going to magically reappear. Apparently part of the side effects of retrograde is that people feel stuck, and that's exactly how I feel. I'm stuck in this cycle of what if's and maybes and hopefuls, and it's like a broken record. All I can do is hope that when Mercury gets it sh*t together after Sunday, I'll be able to break this cycle and move on. Will I still wonder if it was meant to be? Maybe. Will I be able to accept that it won't be? Hopefully. I hope that I was just caught up in Mercury's path and that's why I fell so hard, and that it'll just pass and I can look back and laugh. But our conversations about our lives just matched up so well, I couldn't help but think there was a reason you came into my life. I thought it was real this time, because for all of the reasons I would normally have run away, I didn't seem to flinch when it came to you. The red flags couldn't have been any more obvious unless someone set them on fire, and I decided I could handle all of them, and I just couldn't help but think there had to be a reason. I still believe there must have been a reason, but I have no idea if I'll ever know what that reason was. I guess time will tell...right?

[lazy-cat-corner]

How do we fix the current climate crisis without killing half of all life like Thanos. if such a thing were possible

Well, anon. I'm gonna give you a sad truth my Enviornmental Communication professor told me in college. Which is that fixing this will be improbable. We are too screwed and corrupt as a planet to make any efforts at healing. This man was a vegan, environmental activist, and part-time skater boy. He looked like the classic white boy activist you'd see in 90s TV shows. Red curly hair and everything. Coming from my own professor's mouth terrified me but also gave me a harsh wake-up call to reality.

That being said, he never said it could never happen. Just that it won't because every step needed to that progress requires a lot of common ground that nations are unprepared and unwilling to take. Furthermore, it's impossible to settle such agreements. Who would be in charge? Why? Would their leadership be determined based on their merit or colonialism or wealth? That's a lot of power for one whole planet and several countries will have issues with letting them lead.

BUT, if I could do whatever I wanted, this is what I would do.

Reduce carbon emissions and push for alternative energy. Fund more environmental research programs. Make tax breaks or incentives for switching to clean energy.

Unite as a planet and eliminate political conflicts. Wars are expensive and a big waste of fossil fuels (which is kinda impossible given history, imperialism, colonialism, xenophobia, etc but ideally we should)

Make food, resources, and health care accessible.

Make reproductive healthcare accessible.

Make mental healthcare accessible.

Make education accessible.

Eliminate misinformation and disinformation campaigns. Specifically, those that concern health and the environment.

Do not allow policies to pass through that are solely based on theocratic beliefs of any kind. [So like, no laws that are made just because it aligns with someone's religion. Religious freedom is fine, theocracy is where conflict begins.]

Make immigration easier. (I don't know for sure if it would work but it might help redistribute the population density and maybe add more metropolitan areas that can raise a higher demand for public transit like bullet trains which reduces automotive emissions, that's just my guess)

All these steps can eventually lead to a less polluted planet. Unfortunately, with a climate crisis, this big, unity or some form of mutual agreement has to be made. Otherwise, a single nation's efforts would appear fruitless.

#idk just spitballing ideas #its probably wrong but thats how I imagine it would work #ask lazycat

[kazuchii]

Could i have some fluffy headcanons with Diluc, Zhongli, and Albedo who have an s/o with really dark eyebags? Like they sleep fine at night but the eyebags just...won't go away

GN!Reader with Eyebags w/ Genshin Boys

A/N: Thank you for requesting! This request was actually really easy for me since I too, struggle with eyebags that just won’t go away XD Sorry this took a bit! I've been a little busy. Hope you enjoy it!

Synopsis: The Genshin boys are a little worried about your eyebags, thinking you're not sleeping at night.

Characters: Albedo, Diluc, Zhongli

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: N/A

Masterlist

Albedo didn’t seem worried at first when it came to your eyebags. He just assumed you weren’t sleeping very well.

Honestly, I doubt Albedo gets well rested at night. He probably stays up late doing alchemy stuff after all. He always advised you to go to bed ahead of him for you to get the best sleep possible.

Whenever he would come to bed, you’d always be passed out under the bedsheets.

So when Albedo noticed your dark eyebags, he was puzzled.

You seemed to be sleeping like a log at night. You were always passed out and dreaming away whenever he arrived home to your shared bed.

The only hypothesis to this he could speculate was that you were indeed staying up late at night. Were you possibly staying up late at night waiting for him?

This only made Albedo more concerned. He told you that there was no reason for you to stay up late waiting for him. But you went and did it anyway, resulting in you passing out at night waiting every night.

The guilt Albedo felt made him mess up a couple of times the following day. Items would slip out of his grasp the moment he let the guilt surface.

He confided to Sucrose about the issue, his head in his hands.

“Well Mister Albedo, shouldn’t you just…be honest with them about your concerns?”

So that night, you were getting prepared for bed. Just as you sat on the bed, the door slammed open.

You jumped a little, swinging your head to the maniac that decided to scare you just as you were about to head to bed for the night.

Albedo stood there, a serious expression planted on his facial features.

“Albedo?”

“Stop staying up late for me.”

An awkward smile crept up onto your face, cocking your head off to the side.

“What do you mean?”

“Your eyebags. I’ve noticed them. You need to get more sleep.”

“But Albedo-“

He wasn’t listening to you though. His face morphed into a more sincere, worried one as he moved towards the bed.

“I want what's best for your health. Please stop staying up late waiting f-”

“Bedo, I don't stay up late for you.”

Albedo froze on the spot, blinking as his brain shut off.

“I go to bed on time each night. Who said I ever stay up late for you? Bedo, I love you, but I’d rather sleep than wait for you for hours.”

He was almost offended by that statement.

“But...your eyebags.”

“Oh, yeah they won't leave no matter what I do. Probably payback for staying up late years earlier. I should probably try some sort of cream to get rid of them.”

As you blabbered on and on about your eyebags, Albedo was still trying to restart his brain. Sure he was the one who had originally told you your health was more important, but why did that statement hurt so much-

For the past few days, you’ve hardly been able to get a single glimpse of Diluc. He’s been so preoccupied with his work that you never see him, you only hear him bid you goodbye early every morning.

The only people to keep you company was the maids working at his mansion. They would take care of you by making any meals and just cleaning throughout the building.

Meanwhile, you just did whatever you pleased.

I mean, this was your home as well so there wasn’t really anyone stopping you. You’d just do whatever you felt like doing at the moment.

But you got to a point where you were bored. You missed the feeling of Diluc and the warmth he always had radiating from him. You craved the feeling to be wrapped up in his arms.

You wanted to feel loved

So since absolutely nothing was stopping you from doing whatever you pleased, you decided to go on a little adventure.

And by adventure, I mean taking a little trip to Mondstadt and stopping by Angel’s Share.

Diluc never exactly said you couldn’t visit while he worked, but I don’t think he ever thought you would so he never said anything.

It was late into the evening when you finally reached the gates of Mondstadt. The exhausted guards greeted you with a lazy wave as you passed by them.

It didn’t take too long to find Angels Share.

Creaking open the door to Angel’s Share, you peeked your head in. The bar was completely deserted besides a single man residing behind the counter; Diluc.

“Diluc!”

Diluc’s head perked up instantaneously.

“(Y/N)?”

He rushed out from behind the counter to come to greet you at the entrance.

“Love, what are you doing here? You should be back home getting ready for bed.”

“I missed you, so I wanted to come to see you. We haven’t been spending much time together after all.”

Diluc could feel the heat rising up to his face. How could you say that without being embarrassed in the slightest?

The smile on your face wasn’t helping his situation whatsoever. But soon enough, his eyes caught something off about your appearance.

“Love, have you been sleeping well at night?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You’ve got dark eyebags underneath your eyes.”

Oh yeah, you forgot those were there. You were so used to them being there that you forgot all about them.

“Oh, yeah. So, they refuse to leave no matter what I do. I get at least a solid eight hours of sleep every night, but they just don’t seem to want to leave.”

“Have you tried different treatments?”

“I have tried all the possible ones here in Mondstadt, but nothing seems to be working.”

“Perhaps something to help you could be located in Liyue…”

“You don’t have to do that for me!”

But Diluc wasn’t having any of that. He lifted his gloved hand, cupping your cheek, and gazed towards you lovingly.

“Love, I hope you realize the things I’d do to make you smile.”

Zhongli never expected him to fall for a mortal. When you came into his life, at first he was a little concerned. After all, you were just a human with a limited life span. If he were to get attached, he would be forced with leaving you behind. He would be forced with watching you age and eventually pass on.

So, when he first felt the bubbly feeling inside his chest whenever he would spend time with you, he was wary. He tried to distance himself from you, but in the end, it didn't go as planned.

He still became attached, it was just something he couldn't prevent.

Now he finds himself with you whenever he can. He'd rather spend time making memories with you than worrying about your fate.

Although, whenever the two of you would go out, you were the one who always ended up paying.

"My love, I don't have any mora."

"Expected. But luckily, I brought some with us."

He was always grateful for having you at his side. When he told you that he was actually the Geo Archon, he expected you to not believe him and find him weird.

But strangely enough, you believed every word he told you

This man has been a puppy following you around ever since. He adores it whenever you hold his hand in public; it always brings a smile to his face.

He also worries about your health constantly. After all, you're mortal.

So when you met with him after his work was completed for a little date in Liyue, his eyes were wide with concern.

"My love, have you not been getting enough sleep at night?"

"Yup! I've been sleeping perfectly fine."

Zhongli was suspicious of that statement.

"Are you positive?"

"I'm 100% positive, Zhongli. Trust me, if I was having issues sleep I would tell you immediately."

"Then why do you have such dark eyebags underneath your eyes?"

"Not really sure. They don't seem to want to go away. I get a solid eight hours every night, too. I guess I'm just stuck with them."

"Do they bother you at all?"

"I mean, the only issue is when people look at me funny because of them. Otherwise, I forget they exist."

Zhongli didn't like that one bit. He didn't mind that you had the eye bags, but what he did mind was that people would give you looks due to them.

"I"ll find something."

"Huh?"

"I'll find something that'll help fix your eyebags. I'd rather not have people giving you looks because of them."

"You don't have to do that! It's perfectly fine."

But Zhongli wasn't listening to a word you were saying.

"I'll find Childe. I'm sure he'd be happy to pay for anything I'll need-"

"Wait!"

#genshin impact #genshin #genshin x reader #genshin headcanons #genshin impact x reader #diluc x reader #albedo x reader #gender neutral reader #anime x reader #headcanons #fluff #eye bags #zhongli x reader #diluc #albedo #zhongli #liyue #mondstadt

[the-gay-prometheus]

Have you ever pretended to be sick to get out of school/work?

I can't actually answer yes or no to this because the answer is complicated. So uh. Long answer below the cut including a little lesson on ablism, but TL:DR is "yes but also no."

So I have a few chronic illnesses and have been dealing with symptoms since I was in middle school. When I first started showing long term symptoms, my family refused to believe there was anything actually wrong with me. So on days when I was in too much pain or too dizzy/lightheaded to go to school, I would lie and say I had gotten sick earlier in the night and that I was still feeling nauseous - which wasn't a complete lie, since one of my symptoms is constant nausea, but usually I hadn't actually gotten sick. Our school had a policy that we weren't allowed to go in if we had gotten sick a certain amount of hours before school started, so even if my parents wanted to send me, they couldn't - and if they did send me, I could just go to the nurse and say I had gotten sick that morning and was still feeling nauseous.

Similarly, once I got a diagnosis and my mother at least started vaguely believing me, sometimes I would end up using my physical chronic illness to let me stay home from school when I was having an extremely bad mental health day or having a really hard time with sensory problems, because my parents didn't believe that mental problems were an excuse to miss school.

To make a long explanation short, I never lied or faked an illness just for the sake of being lazy, I always lied or faked an illness for the sake of staying home when I actually needed to just because my parents wouldn't listen.

If they had listened, I wouldn't have had to lie.

The same goes for things like work and whatnot though.

Here's a lesson on ablism in society that nobody asked for: people don't believe invisible illnesses exist or are as bad as they are, and likewise don't believe mental illness exists or is as bad as it is. That means in order to just survive, sometimes those of us that deal with these things have to lie or present ourselves as some other form of sick. Sometimes, that's literally the only way we can get the rest we need. And it sucks - because a lot of times we then start to second guess ourselves when we're having issues. We start to think "am I actually having this problem, or am I 'just lying to get out of doing this?'" even though whatever we are dealing with is in fact an incredibly valid reason to stay home and rest or to say no to something. Even worse, though, is that some people will see this and think "well then how can i know if this person is ever telling the truth about how they're feeling?" And the only answer I can give those people is - you won't, and that is entirely your own fault.

#tw ablism #disability #chronic illness #chronic pain #ehlers danlos syndrome #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #potsie #heds #mcas #mast cell activation syndrome #spoonie #disabled #actually disabled #mental illness #ablism #a brief pause in frankenposting

[jejesart]

I'm trying to say your Valentine's comic is abit sus, cause if you're shipping a child with an adult i hope you notice what's wrong in that equation.

well.......... i guess you just have to live with the fact that i do know and still ship those two fictional people

now, if this questionable person may say something else

im not gonna lie, when i remember that akari was stated to be 15 years old i did think mmmm yeah thats uncomfortable. but i fell in love with volokari dynamic so i just rewrite this 'equation' you said to suit my taste. i age akari up in my head. i imagine them get together when they are older (they need time anyway, volo needs some serious fixing first lol). i headcanon volo to be in his late teens or early twenties so they don't have huge age gap (i dont mind age gap but its more to my taste if my ships are only 3-4 years apart). i imagine akari being 15 is only cyllene and everyone assuming because short people and people who look younger than they actually are exist, and so on. heck i can make akari actually an immortal or had transmuted her soul into a 15 year old body and got transported to hisui as punishment from arceus. and the best thing is i totally can do that because they are fictional people from a game, so i figure i can do whatever i want with them. i focus on their dynamic more, a deranged bastard that has lost his faith in the goodness of the world and then enter this one stranger into his world and somehow fill that void with love.

i am aware there are people who don't share my preference or don't bend the traits like i do. i am more than aware of the arts/fics that involve tropes that make me uncomfortable, and it definitely cannot be bent because it's the very essence of the arts/fics, like non-con or degradation (volokari has huge potential in that area, i sadly admit). since i know i won't feel good if i look at them i turn my eyes away from those things. i think people who create those contents fully aware that not everyone agrees with their creations but they still do it willingly, so i figure arguing with them will be just a huge waste of time. i work full-time and i have my life and family to take care. i'd rather tend to those things because they are what actually have effects to my life as a real human being.

if you actually read all of that then well. thank you lmao. i hope you consider my words a little. and i hope you get that (1) you just simply cannot control other people to suit your comfort, you're in control of what you immerse in but not what other people do. if you already see a bit and you don't like it then just stop (2) what people enjoy in fiction more often than not doesn't reflect what they agree to in reality (3) you literally nitpick over fictional things. if you have time to take issue with fictional things then realise this, there are real things outside your screen that need more of your attention. there is a world outside your window that you need to live in, like it or not. you better tend to those things rather than taking care of strangers on the internet that absolutely have no impact to your life and don't have place for you in their lives.

if you still want to argue some more (maybe you do enjoy arguing online), let's just agree to disagree for my mental health lmao

#it turns into a full ramble under the cut lmaoo #trust me i wanna be cool and like 'whatever you do you' but i am. annoying LMAO #but now that i have said my piece its enough haha #jeje replies #anon

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I guess seeking advice? Tw for csa and sex

I'm a csa survivor and have a very weird relationship with sex for obvious reasons. I love my boyfriend, we do have sex as we're consenting adults but my thing is I just let him do whatever he wants because I think what I want doesn't matter, not that he's ever made me feel that way but it can be hard for me to enjoy sex and sometimes I do but not for very long and often dissociate a lot and just wait for him to finish and for it to be over. I understand that this is like unhealthy, very unhealthy considering I have DID and my other alters have been switching out during intimate moments and just start freaking out, of course he stops when he realizes what just happened but idrk how to talk to him about it. I dont really remember the csa part of my trauma history, so when he asks me what is triggering during sex idk what to say. I feel embarrassed and ashamed, and those of us who hold that trauma, feel that trauma is a very private personal thing and they don't want to share even their triggers which they don't have to. I guess not really sure what to do. Lately he's been asking me to explore things that I might like but I can't because I won't like it if it involves sex and of course it would because well you know. Sorry if this is tmi or anything, I know he's dissatisfied with our sex life and I feel like its my fault I try to even push past my limits to make him feel good but that's not working clearly. Sorry again.

Hi there,

You are definitely not alone in your feelings and experiences. Many sexual trauma survivors push their own boundaries and try to fit into society's expectations, even when it is harmful to them.

Consent is more than saying, "yes." It is about making an educated, informed decision before sexual activity occurs. Please don't blame yourself for this, as you're aware that your issues with boundaries and trauma are related. You're doing the best you can. One exercise is to write out what consent means to you. Another is to make a list of sexual boundaries. What do you want from sex? What do you find consistently triggers you?

What you want matters. Your safety, comfort, health, and boundaries matter. Even if you never wanted to have sex in any way again, you're allowed to have an uphold these boundaries. You can have a full, happy life without sex, and you are allowed to take a break from sex for as long as you need.

If you are dissociating and waiting for him to just finish, it is important that you stop doing this. Dissociation often occurs when we're extremely stressed out and triggered. If you're becoming triggered every time, or almost every time you have sex, it is harming you.

Even if you don't know exactly which parts of sex are triggering to you, you're allowed to have boundaries around it. It could be sexual activity in general, or a certain act, or just the manner in which sexual activity starts. It doesn't sound like you have much control over this part of your life, but that can change. Dissociation complicates things, but it is possible to have a healthy relationship to sex. This can mean that, in the future, you enjoy sex and feel that you engage in healthy sexual activity, but it can also mean that you decide not to have sex, or only have sex in certain ways. No matter what, your boundaries are valid. It's okay to have strong boundaries.

Don't judge your thoughts and feelings. A lot of survivors feel embarrassed and ashamed, but you have not done anything to deserve those feelings. There is nothing you could have done to justify the abuse you endured. It's totally valid that some of you don't want to share your trauma and triggers with others. It can be a terrifying thing to share such a personal thing about yourself. That can present complications, though, when you want people to understand you and not trigger you when they can help it.

It can be really hard when part of you wants to have sex, but other parts aren't able to handle it. I think that since sex is triggering for you, you should not explore new things at this time. You know yourself better than I do, but I don't think it would be helpful for you to continue to be triggered by someone you want a relationship with.

Not all people are compatible with each other in every way. We all have to make concessions in relationships, but these concessions should never be harming us to the point that we have to dissociate to cope. If your boyfriend is not willing or able to respect your boundaries, regardless of what they are or how uncommon they are, this relationship may not work. You deserve a partner who respects your boundaries and strives to understand you and what you need. I can't express how helpful and life-changing it is to have a partner who actively learns about trauma and seeks out information that can help them understand you better. If your boyfriend wants a different sex life than you're able to engage in, it is okay if you two have to part. You would survive this and get through it. I don't know if it will come to that, but if it does, please know that you are able to find love elsewhere, you are going to be happy again, and you are going to find what you need.

When you push your own boundaries to satisfy someone else, it can create resentment, either resenting him, or yourself for violating your own boundaries. It's not healthy to force yourself to have sex with someone. And you're right, it may not be working anyways, so why keep hurting yourself? It is absolutely valid to say, "no" when you do not want to have sex. You have immense, inherent worth that has nothing to do with what you can provide others.

I highly suggest talking to your boyfriend. It may take a few talks, but it's incredibly important to tell him what's going on, as it's affecting you greatly. Sharing articles, so you don't have to do as much talking, and communicating what you're willing to talk about can really help.

Be kind to yourself. Remember that none of this is simple or easy. You can do it, though. You are incredibly strong, capable, and worthy.

Here is a link written by a fellow mod about creating and enforcing boundaries. Here is a link on creating healthy boundaries. Here and here are posts about overcoming the shame when we set boundaries.

Wishing you well.

- Misa

#trauma talks #mod misa #tw csa #tw sex #consent #boundaries

[mbrainspaz]

okay so... my Texan feudal lords just told me out of the blue that they're selling their ranch. No telling how fast it will sell but I've heard the market is hot right now. My contract (which I wrote) says they have to give me 2 months warning before kicking me out but I'm sure that won't matter. Not sure what I'm gonna do. I really needed more time to save up to buy a van if I was ever going to get to try that. It's going to destroy me emotionally if I already missed the chance to use my landlords' ultra kitted out tool shed to build out a van or even finish the repairs on my RV.

Nothing ever lasts.

Part of me still misses the daily walks on the abandoned golf course I lived on last year, the weekly hangouts with my mom and grandma, and living over a garage. I'm so used to leaving things behind but it was easier on my terms and nothing ever is anymore.

I guess... I need to figure out where else I can move my RV.

I've been wanting to move to a different state for a while. I could look at Arizona and North Carolina where I've got a few friends. I'm not going back to Oklahoma and Colorado also isn't really my speed, which rules out most of the other places my friends are. Something in the back of my mind keeps whispering Oregon, but I hate winter. I have a bunch of friends in the LA and San Fransisco areas too but I could never afford to live out there. I'd love to move to Europe or New Zealand but that's so far out of my budget I might as well plan to live on the moon.

I've been wondering lately where the least discriminatory place for LGBTQ+ in the US is. Probably nowhere if you meet the wrong people. Probably most places are better than South Texas.

It would be wise for me to move somewhere that values artists more than in the Midwest/bible belt. Not that I really want back into the art industry. But since I'm still an artist it pays to live in an area with more people who actually value art and will pay fairly for it instead of in some grungy southern two horse town where the art scene is run by a racist granny illuminati.

I've gained so much knowledge about farm animals in the past 3 years I could probably swing a job at another ranch somewhere. If I can stand to spend another year or two getting paid and treated like peasant hobo trash while unimaginably wealthy ladies ride past on their European import horses not giving a rat's ass that I speak 3 languages or have mad creative skills and oodles of unresolved emotional trauma. I can train horses for basic ground rules (could probably do more than that if anybody would let me try)('really should've thought of that before I became a peasant' huh), identify and treat all kinds of health issues, manage aggressive/dangerous animals, and even raise baby sheep. Hey, I've always wanted to be a trail ride guide at a touristy place. Just for a while.

I can go back to driving for Lyft anywhere as soon as I save up the money to change out my brake pads and tires and do some other maintenance. That's what I was working on before this blew up today so that at least is mostly sorted. Probably.

More than anything I still want to find a way to keep working on my comic. That never gets any easier. If anyone wanted to pledge $1 to my patreon now is a great time. Current support covers software license subscriptions but any day now I might not have a place to park my 'office.' Or like, live or whatever. Minor details.

I'm gonna miss watching the sheep graze outside my window while I work. I'll probably never see all the horses and farm dogs I've been taking care of for the last three years again. Damn. I already miss Herb. He's a big sweet Friesian horse who's owner apparently hasn't been out to see him in 4 years. He's always been my pal out here. Nothing lasts.

I'm already running a bare-bones crew as far as finances go, mostly thanks to this modern day serf gig I've had here for a few months. I don't have entertainment media subscriptions and I rarely go out. I already buy cheap food. I ignore all my health problems like a Real American™. The only thing I could feasibly cut is pet insurance for my two older dogs. Probably not a good idea, longer term, but if it's that or two weeks of food...

Since my road trip plans already fell through when the dogs got sick last week (not sick enough to need the insurance though, naturally) I was really hoping to take a break at the end of the month to do some RV maintenance, get some much needed rest, and do some comic work. Now I guess I'd better call up all my gig bosses and talk about picking up some extra work. Ugh. I was actually thinking about quitting the other ranch job if they still couldn't give me a raise after two years and all the extra responsibilities I took on (and the horrible abuse from their guy who they knew was horrible and abusive) during the pandemic. Now I have to watch my step because that ranch is probably the cheapest other place I might park locally at short notice.

*sigh* happy early birthday to meeeee

#my birthday is the week after next #yaaaaaay #personal vent #personal problems #life choices #everything is chaos #nothing lasts #life of a ranch babysitter #journal type post #patreon supported #overwhelmed #broke art hobo #what's next #nomad life #rv life #comic artist #writer problems #artist problems #life plans #ramble

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 9/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Sorry for taking so long to upload! I've had a hard week but everything is fine. Here we are - the end! Wanna know something interesting? There was actually going to be more to this story. Like, we were gonna get more flashbacks from when Brie and Juju went to college. There they would meet Tatianna, who was a badass feminist. And she'd be the one to help Brianna with her glow up. But the story was already going on too long and I couldn't fit any of it in.

Also I was going to go down a completely different route for the story. If any of you have actually seen the music video for Gimme Love by Joji, it ends on a more darker tone. And that's how I was gonna do it with this fic as it was based on it. But I just couldn't do it.

So I hoped you guys enjoyed it. I know I didn't get a lot of reads on it, but I'm glad knowing it was recieved by some. Anyway, on with chapter 9!

Major TW's for this chapter: Alcohol, mental health discussion.

2020

It was the day of the pre-party. It was going to be held at my place. I was prepared for possible drunkenness, embarrassing moments, but celebrations of everything we had accomplished. This was something I had worked my ass towards for so long, and it was finally happening.

I smiled, proud that I had finally punched myself in the face (figuratively, of course). I opened my eyes and saw how easy it was to rekindle with Mom. I was scared about seeing her in a few weeks, knowing we'd have to talk about my issues. But I knew now. If I didn't, I would just continue to get worse and worse.

On top of that, the Ed Sheeran problem was over and done with. His team understood fully, and he was set to perform at the launch.

And finally, I would meet Blair again. And it would be different this time. I wouldn't be the shy, insecure teenager she had always seen me as.

However, despite all these promising signs, my smile dropped. I imagined this morning playing out entirely differently.

Jujubee would be the first person to message me. Fuck, she'd probably even break in just to make sure I was up.

None of that happened. I know one should manage their expectations better. But it still hurt.

After two cups of coffee, some soggy cereal and a shower, I tried calling her. It rang a few times but went straight to voicemail mail.

I didn't bother leaving another message. I didn't wanna freak her out.

I probably wasn't helping my case. She probably thought I was relying on her, that she was life support for me.

But that wasn't the case. I mean, I couldn't just stand up and be like, "OK later, bitch," after practically growing up together. How could I just let go of someone I held so dear to my heart?

My eyes travelled across the kitchen, at first only her disappointment during our argument, how I had never seen her so angry.

On the counter, beside the fridge, there was my memory box.

What would Grandpa say in this situation?

Remember how I would write things he'd say to me? Just little bits and pieces of advice as something I could hold on to? I gave it to Mom to put it away for me. It had to be in the box.

I stood up, the stool making a scraping sound along the ground.

But a knock at the door tore my attention away.

Why did I hope it would be her?

Well, because it wasn't out of the ordinary for her to come and visit in the morning. Maybe this was it. I was forgiven.

I rushed to the door with the slight fear that if I wasn't fast enough, I'd miss her.

I unlocked the door and flung it open, a smile on my face, ready to greet her.

5 people were standing there; the decorators. I tried not to let my smile falter as I let them in.

-_-_-_-

8PM and my place had never looked livelier. For my first time hosting a party, it didn't feel like there was much hosting to do.

It felt like any other party I had been to, a room crowded with people dancing or talking to each other.

The music wasn't too loud, so the disorientation wasn't there.

I held back from drinking with the fear of doing something embarrassing, especially around Blair.

My bathroom was still clean when I went to apply a fresh coat of gloss. Good. Nothing to worry about.

I made my way back downstairs to the party, crossing the barrier at the bottom. The only place off-limits to the guests was upstairs. I'd hate to think there would be some people who'd want private time, especially in my bed. It happened at college once.

After a small party in our dorm, I found a couple midst coitus in my bed. Never again, I had said.

"Brianna!"

My head whipped in the direction of the voice, every bit of hope I had inside building up.

"You look stunning." A raven-haired woman approached.

"Thank you," I said in more of a questionable form. My brain couldn't figure out who this was.

"My name is Raja. I'm a writer for Cosmo," that explained it, "I was wondering if I could ask a few questions for a piece I'm doing. It's on the most influential women of the year."

I wanted to say no in the case I missed the arrival of Blair.

As if she read my thoughts, she spoke again. "It won't even be five minutes."

She was right about that. 15 minutes it lasted. We were locked in my bathroom, the four walls making the place feel cramped.

She asked me questions about how I reached this level, my morning routine, and what I put in my hair to make it so voluptuous. And all the while, I just kept fearing that Blair had arrived. That she had searched around for me and left when she couldn't find me anywhere. I would discreetly glance at my watch, hoping too much time didn't pass. But around 5 minutes in, I didn't care for subtlety. Not that Raja noticed. The questions seemed endless.

When she turned her recorder off, she further complimented my outfit. I thanked her, inching my way to the door. This lasted another 3 minutes.

She said I was a tiny woman with a lot of heart. I held back from saying I was a tiny woman with a lot of baggage.

When I finally escaped, I searched the place for Blair, and when I didn't find her, the panic started.

"Did anyone come in in the last 15 minutes??" I asked the workers hanging by the door.

"Yeah, there were 2 people. And I've never seen them around work. Could be anyone, Brie." They said with worry in their tone.

"OK, was one of them a girl? Blonde hair. Around my age?" I questioned further.

They glanced at each other for clarification, then looked back at me and shook their heads.

"Nope. Just two guys." One said.

"Probably on a pussy hunt at their local party." The other said.

"Or dick hunt."

"Or both."

"Nah, how would they even get in?"

Realising this was not Blair they were talking about, I thanked them and excused myself.

So she wasn't here yet. That's fine. Probably just running late.

I gave in and had one glass of champagne. Just to calm my nerves.

And the last person I wanted to see started to approach.

Ed fucking Sheeran. He raised a glass to celebrate and thanked me for the hotel room we paid for. I said it was no problem. And just as he was about to suggest some pictures for his Instagram, I quickly navigated away.

But I was caught by another person who just so happened to be Joey.

"I am so glad you changed your mind about the whole Ed thing. Like...girl…" he sipped his own drink.

"Yeah, it was easier than I thought." I shrugged. "Kinda feel awkward being in his presence now, though."

"I'll distract him if you want. British guys are kinda cute." Joey smirked.

I tsked, cocking my head at him. "Joey, you didn't like the guy a few weeks ago."

"I never said I didn't like him." He smirked.

"I mean, you can try." I rolled my eyes, a small smile appearing on my own face, "don't expect it to go anywhere."

Joey winked and brushed past me, making his way in Ed's direction.

Setting my glass down in my sink, I made my way to the bathroom just to check my lip gloss. A woman couldn't be too careful.

Once inside, I felt cramped again despite being alone. Maybe it was the underlying feeling of worry from being trapped in the room with Raja.

I told myself to breathe but then questioned why I was even doing such an exercise. Everything was fine. Life was good.

Looking in the mirror, my gloss was fine. But I applied a new coat anyway, just a reassurance.

And upon leaving, I set out in search of Blair again. She had to be here, just somewhere lost amongst this large amount of people.

Maybe she found someone else to talk to. Maybe not.

I moved to the balcony, the cool night air a relief.

But she wasn't there either.

I sighed, wanting a cigarette or something. Anything to calm the rising panic I was feeling inside.

I closed the door and moved further into the night, peering over the balcony and out into New York. The twinkling lights were pretty. I took a picture and sent it to my Mom. And in a few seconds, she started calling me.

"Hey, Mom."

"Hi, baby. I just thought I'd see how things are going." She asks, sounding pretty optimistic.

"I mean... it's OK, I guess. A bit crowded at my place right now." I replied.

"You nervous for tomorrow?" I hear the mischief in her voice.

She believed I'm not nervous, that I was a confident, strong woman. But she was wrong. "Of course I am. I mean, we've gone through all the precautions, so it should be fine. But still…"

"Well, baby, I promise you, everything will work out fine. It's you we're talking about."

I smiled, trying to teach my brain to agree with her.

"I would say I'd have a drink for you, but I'm trying to keep away from it tonight." Even though that was a lie.

"Yeah, you don't wanna go do something embarrassing like flashing anyone or whatever." She laughs.

"Wow. I didn't realise that was something I did." I quipped sarcastically.

"How about Jujubee?" I could still hear her smile.

But mine slowly dropped. Fuck, I had no idea. Immediately I stood back from the balcony. "Ugh...yeah, she's fine. She's good."

I moved to the door and looked past the glass at the large number of people. Fuck, I didn't even know if she was inside.

"Am I gonna get to see a picture of your outfits? You two always look like the stars of a party."

"Yeah," I faked a small laugh. "I'll go find her and get a picture. I'm gonna get back inside, OK?"

"No problem, baby. Love you."

"I love you too." I clicked end call and quickly made my way back inside.

How the fuck had I forgotten about her so quickly? Not like she was in my mind that morning or anything.

Now I had to find 2 people. I rushed inside, looking out for both of them. I checked the kitchen, dining area, lounge, the bathroom. Fuck, I even checked upstairs in the case Jujubee was there.

But there was no sign.

Where the fuck was she? Where was Blair?

It was getting harder to hold down the anxiety. Was Jujubee right about Blair? Was this another instance of my childhood crush getting my hopes up and flaking out?

The next drink tray I saw, my hand went straight for another glass. Two wouldn't hurt.

"Hey, you made it!" I heard from the front of the room, by the door.

I quickly downed the champagne and practically ran for it, too afraid to miss who had arrived.

Just as my hopes were quickly up, they fell just as fast. It was just Alex, Joey hugging him at the door.

"Fuck...Fuck...Fuck…" I whispered to myself.

A third glass of champagne found its way into my hand, and in a matter of seconds, it was down the hatch. I grimaced at the taste now, feeling like I could throw up at any second. Was that all just the anxiety, though?

Another bathroom break, I was fixing my gloss once again, scared to ruin my makeup. My hands were trembling. Fuck.

It wasn't stopping.

Back out in the main room, I tried to scan the crowd, standing on my tiptoes to try and see past everyone. It didn't help much.

Despite the music and rambling chatter happening around me, I heard the front door open, my eyes shot in its direction.

I struggled to move past a small group of coworkers, trying to get a good view of the door.

I didn't even get my hopes up this time. And, of course, it wasn't Blair.

Jujubee was right. Blair wasn't coming. Once again, she had led me on to believe I did mean something to her and that she'd give us a chance.

My hand gripped my scalp, turning away from the door. I growled, "Fuck," which didn't go unnoticed.

There was Nina with a hand on my arm. "Are you OK?"

"Yes." I lied so quickly. "I'm fine. Just... it's a little crowded in here," I fidgeted with my hands, "Is Jujubee here?"

"Yeah, you haven't seen her?" Nina raised a brow, rubbing her hand up and down my bicep.

"No." My eyes looked around briefly. "Where is she??"

"I dunno. She's you're best friend." Nina squinted her eyes. She didn't mean to sound accusatory. I guessed she was more concerned.

"She is." I reaffirmed, even though now I wasn't so sure.

"If it helps, the last place I saw her was the kitchen."

"When?"

"Half an hour ago."

I rolled my eyes and groaned. "She could be anywhere."

"Girl, it's fine. Not like we're in a labyrinth. You'll find her eventually." Nina smiled, rubbing my arm again.

I paid her no more heed and hurried towards the kitchen in the hope I'd find her there. But like the rest of my apartment, it was crowded. I stood on my toes again to try and catch a glimpse of black hair.

But there was no sign. Stressed, a shaking hand reached for another champagne. Usually, my tolerance for alcohol was high, but right now, I was feeling it. I was wavy.

In my now weary state of mind, I decided what was the fucking point? Blair had 100% flaked, as per usual, and Jujubee was obviously avoiding me at all costs.

Nina had followed me, taking my hand. "Follow me."

I didn't fight it. She moved to the staircase, pulled back the barrier and let me pass through.

She ushered me to walk up to the top before moving no further.

Turning towards the crowd beneath us, Nina addressed the people with a raised tone. "Can we have your attention, please?"

The people went quiet, beaming up at us.

Nina talked about how much of a good night it was, all while the alcohol was taking me over.

My eyes scanned the crowd, in the final chance of hope, wanting nothing more than to see Jujubee's glowing smile shining up at me.

But I couldn't. Not because I had double vision. But because she was nowhere.

I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing hard out through my nose.

Nina put her hand on my shoulder. And only then did I realise that I had blacked out, missing everything she said. I blinked a few times, trying to clear the film that had glazed my brown eyes.

"But we all wouldn't be here without our leading lady." She smiled warmly. "Everything she's achieved, it's all brought us to this moment. Let's raise a glass to Miss Brianna Caldwell."

Everyone started cheering, only a few raising a toast, the others clapping. My eyes widened, feeling all those eyes on me.

"Hope you have a speech prepared," Nina whispered in my ear.

And me, being the queen of saying just 3 lines and quickly evacuating the scene, decided no. Fuck it. I had something to say.

When the crowd began to settle down, I began to deliver the messiest speech ever.

"Well, funny you should mention achievements, Nina, because, yeah, I'm standing here before you all, having done the impossible. But what does that matter?" I laughed, shrugging. "Yeah, it does matter a whole fucking deal. I mean, look at you all. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't?" I laughed awkwardly again, but as I continued, my smile began to disappear. "Well, sometimes you just want a certain someone to give a shit. And they make you believe that they do. Just for like 5 minutes. And it feels so so fucking incredible. It feels like...like you matter. You're not just plain old Brianna Caldwell. You mean the world to them…" My tone dropped, "And then...you realise you're the most gullible, unaware, stupid fucking idiot in the world. They don't really give a fuck about you. They don't see all the things that you've achieved in life and think…' Wow...What an incredible person.' They just... don't give a fuck about you."

Everybody looked confused, uneasy even, while others giggled. Glad to know I was serving as the entertainment for the night, and I was in the same room as Ed fucking Sheeran.

Then, as if some higher power looked at me with a shaking head, maybe my grandpa, there was a glimmer of light at the back of the room, a flash of movement. And my eyes were drawn to the source.

My heart stopped

There she was. Finally. Blair St. Clair smiling apologetically at the few people who were looking at her. They smiled back as they should. She was breathtaking.

And her eyes moved to where everyone else was looking.

Right at me.

Such a familiar feeling was falling over me.

Everyone else in the room. Gone. Like they just stepped into another world, leaving the two of us in this reality.

She panted, out a breath, like she had run to my place. Impossible, she looked like an absolute angel in her gold wrap dress.

Nina nudged me. I snapped out of my daze, reminded of the whole crowd of people looking up at me with confused stares.

Fuck...what do I say now? How do I backtrack?

"But...you know what?" I started to speak again. "You realise, you're just overthinking again. 'Cause, that's a very on-brand thing for you. Every little incident of the past has taught you to doubt that good things actually can happen to you." My smile was returning. "Because the people who give a shit are there. Because you've done the impossible. And they couldn't be happier to be part of your story." My eyes were moving through the crowd, "Do what makes the ones around you proud, and what makes you fucking proud. And don't let anyone or anything hold you the fuck back. Because you have a purpose."

Thank fuck for the fact everyone started cheering again. I thought I had fucking bombed that I would see a recording of the same speech the following day all over Twitter, along with comments about how dramatic it was.

But it was fine. I saved it. I smiled at everyone and hugged Nina, suddenly overcome with happiness.

"Fuck you for not telling me you were gonna drag me up here," I whispered in her ear.

"Well, if I had asked you in the first place, you would have said no, honey." Nina grinned.

We pulled apart, and my eyes went back to the front door. I smiled, expecting to see Blair. But she had vanished. Fuck, I hadn't imagined her, right?

I tried to carefully make my way down the stairs without tripping, ready to look for her once again.

And upon reaching the bottom, Joey grabbed my hand and pulled me close, "someone on the balcony requires your attention."

He winked, and the butterflies in my belly went mad.

She was playing games with me. Not a very Blair St Clair thing to do, but the thought excited me.

I hurried to the balcony, ready to feel that cool air on my skin, her warm body pressed against mine.

And just as I was passing through the doors, feeling the cooling breeze, I stopped dead in my tracks.

I froze.

This wasn't what I expected; seeing her standing there, only noticing how radiant she looked in her orange suit dress.

Fuck. It felt so long since I had last seen her.

But it had been only a few days.

"Hi, Juju," I spoke quietly.

"Hey," she inhaled her cigarette, looking out to the city. If she hadn't replied to me, I would have guessed she failed to realise I was even there.

I swallowed, my eyes glancing down to the ground for a moment. The alcohol in my system was telling me to just turn and leave her alone. She didn't wanna see me.

But my brain said, "you idiot, she obviously invited you out here."

So I moved forward, rubbing the backs of my arms nervously.

I stood beside her, not even daring to look her in the eye. I looked at her orange suit, how Mom would have adored it.

"You invited me out here." I leaned my elbows on the ledge, my gaze following hers over the twinkling lights of New York.

"Yeah, I did." She did offer me a cigarette, but still, she never looked at me.

I shook my head, declining her offer, "Why didn't you just come and ask me yourself?"

"I was dying for a cigarette." She breathed out a stream of smoke. "Also, I've already spent most of the night trying to find you."

I couldn't help but breathe out a laugh through my nose. I glanced at her and was glad to see the smirk appear on those lips.

"I've been trying to fucking find you." I continued to laugh, a crack to my tone, however.

She finally looked at me, turning her body to face me. Her brows were knit together, yet the smirk remained. "No. I," she stressed, "have been trying to find you."

"So...what have I been doing for the past...I dunno, few hours?" I raised a brow. "Did I take 10 hits of acid earlier, or did I not search this place from top to bottom?"

She gave me a hopeless smile like she knew there was no point in arguing. She sucked on the cigarette, offering it to me.

I gave in, taking it from her hand, my fingers touching hers with a light touch. Her eyes moved to our hands as if she was thinking about it too. The feeling like this was a moment we needed to remember.

I took a drag on the cigarette, passing it back. She looked away, briefly turning her gaze to the ground.

But I kept my eyes on her like I'd never get another chance. "I really miss you, Juju," I spoke quietly, almost through a whisper.

She looked at me again. Her mouth moved around slightly yet remained closed like she wanted to say something. But she couldn't figure out what it was she was going to say.

I reached out, took her hand in mine. She seemed taken aback at first. But as my thumb stroked against the soft skin of her hand, a small smile began to resurface.

"There are…" she paused, "things that I would love to say to you. But I just... I'm afraid."

"Is it bad? Come on, Juju. You can tell me. You can tell me anything. I mean, we've grown up together. We've always told each other everything."

She looked apprehensive before taking another drag from her cigarette. And stubbing it out in the ashtray, she turned towards me once again.

She looked ready to say it. Whatever it was. I didn't even know the words yet. But I could tell this would mean a lot to her.

The muffled sound of the many people behind the closed glass doors became clearer, amplified even. Jujubee looked in its direction. My eyes followed.

"Blair," I uttered.

She looked slightly taken aback like she didn't know how to react to seeing us.

Jujubee dropped her hand to her side, a small puff of air leaving her nostrils.

"Jujubee." A smile appeared on Blair's face as she finally approached us both. "I didn't expect to see you here!"

"Likewise." Jujubee nodded slowly. She glanced at me, and I reciprocated.

Before I could figure out her exact emotion. But now, she was hard to read once again. My brows knit together, telepathically questioning what she was feeling.

Jujubee looked back at Blair. "Talk about awful timing though, I was just leaving." Jujubee smiled back at her.

Blair's smile was disappearing. "Oh." She paused, unable to say anything else.

"You don't have to go, Jujubee." I took her hand once again, stroking my thumb over her skin another time, just to remind her of the tender moment we were just having.

She smiled again, but only now, I knew the true words behind it. She pulled her hand away. "Early rise, actually. Gotta get up and ready for the big day tomorrow, right?" She raised her brows at me. Then she looked at Blair, "It was nice seeing you," and then back to me once more, "I hope you have a good night, Brie."

She averted her eyes, not even sparing me another glance. The clacking of her heels was deafening, each step away causing something inside to sting.

"It was nice seeing you again," Blair said before Jujubee could make it through the doors.

I heard a mumbled "yeah, yeah," before Jujubee went back inside.

My gaze still followed her, watching as she navigated the crowd.

"Did she...seem off to you?" Blair asked quietly.

"Yeah," I said without thinking. "I just...I don't know what's wrong with her...I can't...work it out…" my eyes never left the door, hoping Jujubee would reappear.

And feeling Blair's soft hand in mine, I was brought back to reality. I looked at her, seeing the concern in her eyes. Fuck, what a great way to reunite.

"Is something going on?" She asked softly.

I shook my head frantically, "N-No. We're fine...I guess I'm just overreacting. Yeah, she's just been...really busy with everything."

"That's probably true." She shrugged, glancing at the door, "Well, actually, I haven't seen what goes behind the public eye, but I bet it's taxing." Blair was facing me again, her eyes widening briefly.

I let out a small laugh, "Oh, you have no idea." And only then did I get a real chance to take her in. The girl had not changed. Well, call me corny, but she only got more radiant looking.

"I didn't think you'd come," I spoke with a hushed tone.

"Sorry, I was late. I couldn't get a cab for ages." She gave a half-smile. "I guess New York really is that kind of place."

"Fuck, I didn't think about traffic. I could have got you a driver or something. "I started rambling.

"No, it's OK. I'm here now anyway." Her eyes looked me up and down, "you look great, by the way. Pink always was your colour."

Funny how the last time she gave me a compliment, I shut her down. But now, I couldn't bring myself to do so. "Thank you."

I wasn't expecting her to hug me, but she did. It was very welcoming. If I could rate it out of 10, I'd give it a 9. Why the missing point? Cause she pulled away too soon. I needed that time, just to soak up the moment.

My arm was still around her waist when she put a hand to my face.

"It's so good to see you." She beamed, the city lights reflected in her eyes.

"You wanna go upstairs? We'll hear better up there. And it's kinda chilly out here." I hoped she didn't find that creepy or like I was suggesting something because that was not my intention, believe it or not.

I almost jumped, the sound of her sweet voice dragging me out of the storm that was my inner ramblings. "What about your party?" She looked over her shoulder at all the guests behind the closed doors."

"They'll be fine," I said too quickly.

"Oh. Well, if you say so."

She didn't find that weird. Good. I finally pulled my arm from her body but took her hand instead, leading her into the apartment.

I ignored the side glances we received, too focused on her presence behind me. Still so in disbelief that for once, she hadn't flaked out. She really did give a fuck. Walking up the stairs, I only noticed how my vision had cleared. I no longer felt drunk. Had it just been a quick rush of nausea that left me feeling so weary before? Or had the shock of seeing Blair literally walk into my life again shocked me so much to the point it sobered me up?

"Here we go," I said quietly, welcoming her into the upper level.

"Wow, you got another living room up here." Blair's wandering eyes landed on the couch.

"Yeah. The one downstairs is for fucking business and parties. And this one," I gestured to where she was looking, "is for hanging out mostly, and…" Why did I have to be so nervous?

"Hookups?" She looked at me with raised brows and a smirk.

I laughed nervously, moving to the fake fireplace and turning it on. Why didn't I just say no? She probably thought I was a slut or something. "Sit down if you want. Do you want a drink? I'd love a fucking drink right now."

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks, though." She replied, sitting down on the sofa and relishing the feeling of it.

"I need some fucking water." I rushed to the mini-fridge and pulled out a bottle.

Turning back to face Blair, she was looking at me in confusion. "You OK?"

"What?" That was all I thought to reply with.

"You seem kind of…" she paused, trying to figure out her words, "on edge."

"I do?" My hands played with the water bottle.

"Yeah, you've included the word 'fucking' in every sentence since we got up here." She allowed herself to smirk.

Subliminal, Blair. I like it.

Fuck, I dragged my mind out of the gutter and practically rushed to the couch. "Oh, it's just...tomorrow. The nerves, you know." I sat on the other end of the sofa, took a gulp of water and made myself comfortable.

Blair turned to face her body towards me. "Am I wrong, or was Ed Sheeran downstairs??"

"Yeah, he was. It's kind of a long story, actually." I laughed. "You a fan?"

"No, not really," Blair replied.

"Good, me neither. Not really into the whole wedding dance song vibe."

"Me too." She groaned, "If I hear Thinking out loud at another wedding, girl, I'm just...I dunno."

"I get it. 100%"

"Well, enough about him," Blair sat up straight, a bright smile on her face. She laughed for a moment before even speaking, "Fuck, I was just about to ask what you've been up to." She gestured a hand around the room, "I mean, duh."

"Yeah," I returned the laugh, "It's pretty much just that. This project has taken up most of my life over the years."

"God, I remember reading in the paper...fuck, I can't remember the exact title. It was this tiny article just squashed into a corner. 'Scientist seeks to prove the existence of other realities.' Yeah, it was something like that. And…" She shrugged, "I just knew it was you. And, I knew you'd go far."

I felt the blush creep onto my skin. Hearing this from Blair felt otherworldly.

"I mean, I knew before. When you told me at Prom, I knew you'd be able to do it." She added.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Just hearing how you talked about it. Like, you really believed in yourself. It made me believe too." She swapped around the legs she crossed.

"It was hard. Trying to get people on board with everything. Not a lot of people believed it was even possible in the beginning." I unscrewed the cap from the bottle of water. "And now look at me; I got the government behind this whole thing." I shrugged and took a sip of the water. Before she could go on, I took the conversation on another route. "But what about you? Where are you in life?"

I knew where she was in life. Hadn't I Facebook stalked her not too long before?

"Well, it sounds far fetched, but I'm trying to get into the music scene." Blair sat back in her seat, eyes wandering off, looking at nothing in particular.

"You always did like performing," I noted. "Starting out in the school playgrounds. Soon you'll be playing an Arena with a sold-out show."

Did I sound cheesy? Was I too much of a kiss ass? Because to me, this was honesty. I always thought Blair had the potential to be a famous singer. She had the voice, the looks, style and personality. Who wouldn't want her as part of their label?

Fuck, it only hit me that I could have gotten her a spot to perform at the event.

Blair had stood, a small sigh emitting her lips. "An Arena? Imagine that." She smirked for a moment, stepping away from the couch. For a hot second, I thought I had stepped on territory I shouldn't have, and she was leaving. But she made her way to the window, staring out over New York. So I naturally went too. "Well, I've just been singing around bars for a while now, even had 2 gigs. Nothing too amazing." She explained. "I mean, I know you say Arena and all, but, actually, I wouldn't wanna be that big. I just...want people to hear my music."

Her smile faltered somewhat, and it spoke volumes. It wasn't happening fast enough for her, the growing number of ears that would someday listen to her words. She wanted it all now.

I sidestepped a bit closer. My fingers were so close to brushing against hers, then stopping myself in realising that was too much. "It does take time, these things. I mean, I didn't get here overnight. It will happen, Blair." She flashed me a gracious smile, and I was glad she didn't find any of that condescending. That was not my aim. "Anyway, I'd love to hear your music."

"You would?" Blair cocked her head to the side, turning more to face me, her hand on the window cill closer to mine.

"Of course," I reply. She should've known that anyway.

"Well, I'm not gonna break out into song for you right now. But I have a few videos on my Facebook. You should add me." She suggested.

I had never opened Facebook so fast. "There. I sent you a request." I scrolled through her timeline, my back now to the window, "Lemme see."

"Oh, God. Please don't. Not right now." Blair panicked.

I lifted my gaze, my eyes almost wide. Blair St Clair, the girl who wasn't hesitant to approach a mic, was embarrassed. I found this to be adorable and oddly made me feel more relaxed. "Don't be shy, Blair. I'm sure they're great."

"Brianna, don't." No joke, Blair attempted to snatch my phone away like a child.

I found it highly amusing. "Why not?" I smiled mischievously.

Blair continued her protests, trying to swipe at the phone more and more, all while laughing nervously.

Eventually, my teasing led to a chase. I still scrolled her Facebook as I ran around the room, Blair behind me.

"Which one should I look out for?" I stood at one end of the couch.

Blair stood at the other end, letting out a pant. "Brianna, you better not."

I stepped to the right, throwing her off, and she ran to her left, ready to run straight at me and take the phone out of my hand.

But I tricked her. When I took that step to the right, I pulled back and moved to the left instead. And without thinking, I threw myself down on my bed.

Before I could even get up, Blair was already there, too, crawling towards me. She reached for my phone, still pleading with me to stop.

And finally, giving the current circumstances, I gave in. "OK, OK. You win. I won't play your music in front of you." I giggled mischievously, shuffling so my back was against my headboard. "You're gonna have to remind me to check it out, though."

Blair remained at the bottom of my bed, kicking her heels off and folding them like a pretzel. It was as if we were teenagers again, catching up on all the hanging out we never got to do. She fluffed out her hair, "God, Brie, I came here to have a good time. Not to work out. Why are you still looking at your phone?"

Now that I was on her profile, scrolling back to the top, I saw a familiar picture. "Wow, this George guy's kind of cute."

Blair smiled warmly, her eyes looking upwards. And I had the slightest sinking feeling she was about to tell me this was her fucking lover or husband.

"Ah...George. What a guy." Blair blinked. "He does music too. If you like my stuff, then you'll like his too. He's got this song Gimme Love. It's my favourite."

"Is he your boyfriend?" There was no hesitation in asking.

Her brows briefly crossed. "What? No. He's one of my closest friends. Really helping me find places to perform. He's just...really cool."

I mouthed a silent 'Oh' before going on and cocking my head to the side, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Was it normal to ask shit like this? Maybe it was. But considering I had confessed to her I liked her very much in that accidental message, perhaps I shouldn't have said it at all. Didn't want her getting sus.

I got the feeling she knew I was trying to find a way in as she raised a brow at me, the corners of her mouth turning upwards. "Nah, Brie. I'm done with boys."

I lowered my phone. That could have meant anything;

She was strictly into girls;

She had just gotten out of a bad relationship with someone, and she was going through that typical 'men are trash' phase;

She used the term 'boys' when referring to immature fuck boys who still thrived in toilet paper bombing people's houses and still fought with feminists online. She was now looking for 'a real man' who would love and respect her.

She wasn't speaking, just lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Before the silence could go on and get awkward, I shifted in my own spot. "Do you wanna elaborate on that?"

"Oh. Yeah, if you want to hear it." She said like she didn't want to, and before I could stop her, she went on, "Well, the last was Conrad. He cheated on me. Before him, there was Ethan. I found out he'd talk shit about me to all his meathead buddies, said that my ass wasn't big enough. Then Bryce with his superior attitude. And…" she sighed, "Fucking Trevor."

Just hearing his name did something to me. I could feel how my shoulders had tensed, how the breath got stuck in my throat for a moment. But my ability to talk was unaffected because I spoke up, "I remember you saying he was controlling." I moved away from my headboard, shuffling closer to her, so close she could have put her head in my lap if she wanted.

Blair nodded, "he was," she breathed out a sigh, "I can't believe I'm even admitting this, but after high school, I started seeing him again. He promised me he would change, that things would be different. And I always feel like such an idiot for believing him."

That was upsetting. My hand squeezed in a fist. "So, what was the final straw? The thing that made you end things for the last time?"

Blair took in a deep breath, rolling over onto her front and propping her head upon her hands. She looked up at me with sad eyes. "He was just the same, Brie. Always controlling me, telling me how to act, who I could and couldn't hang out with. He was like that from the beginning to the end. I mean, you remember how he reacted about that one sex-ed class? And that time, he yelled at me in front of everyone for not sitting with him at lunch one day?"

I had no idea about the last thing. And I wasn't even surprised. Trevor was that type of guy, and you just knew it within the first few minutes of meeting him.

I was curious to know, but I kind of already had a feeling. Yet, I needed clarification. "Is that why you never came back to the library? Because he knew people would talk if you were seen with the school loser?" She leaned up now, but I continued. "Is it why you never came to speak to me about the prom?"

Blair was just watching me in silence. But I could see it, the realisation in her face.

"Fuck." She sat up and moved closer to me. "Oh my gosh, Brianna. I am so sorry. I had...no idea it would hurt you." We were both face to face, and she put her hands on mine, her eyes apologetic. She cussed, briefly looking away. "Fuck, I knew you hated me. The years of silence, of course, you did."

"Wait, no. Stop. I'm sorry. I don't wanna make you feel like a bad person. That's not what I wanted to do." I said profusely, my hands tightening just slightly.

"No, no. I'm sorry. You have every right to be upset." She spoke quietly, her blue eyes pleading with me. "Just be honest with me. I owe you that. You deserve to be heard."

"Really, Blair, it's fine. It's - -"

"Brianna. You're upset. You're not really good at hiding it, no offence." She smirked at the last comment. But the smile disappeared, and she waited for my response.

I stared back at her, my gaze shifting between both those eyes. My mind debated what to do, refuse to say a thing and let it all continue to build up. Or vent years of pent up emotions that needed to be said.

I looked away, deciding the latter decision was probably the best. I really didn't want to, what with the risk of upsetting her.

But maybe she wouldn't.

But maybe she would.

But maybe…

Her hand left mine and swept a strand of hair away from my face. I didn't even know it was there. "You're really hurt, Brie," she spoke softly.

I looked back to her finally, her hand lowering back down. And I finally found my voice. "OK." I shifted in my spot, highly uncomfortable. Come on, Brie. Just tell her.

"Do you remember the prom? When you asked me how we never talked more?" Just say it. "Because I always felt inadequate. Like I wasn't enough for you. And, not just you, even my…" I paused, feeling the lump form in my throat, "...my parents. Ummm…" saying that out loud to her, it hit differently. My voice was cracking. "I always associated you with my parents. I don't know where the connection came from, and I know now that that's fucked up, and I know I probably should go to a therapist about that, but..." I quickly explained. "But yeah, I just...never felt enough. Like 'why would Blair the cheerleader want to associate with someone like me? How could Blair ever love someone like me??'"

Fuck, it just slipped out. I studied her face for a reaction, expecting her to back away.

But she didn't. She just nodded in understanding, squeezing my hand reassuringly.

"But, um...I know now. It wasn't that you didn't care. It was just...fucking Trevor." I practically growled that name.

Blair breathed out a laugh, rolling her eyes. "Fucking Trevor."

"Yeah, fuck that asshole," I allowed myself to smile before continuing on. "I just... didn't understand how hard that actually was for you."

"It was very hard. God, it bothered me so much because I really did have a soft spot for you, Brianna. I really did, ever since we were kids." Blair smiled warmly. "And that's why I'm so glad you replied to my message. After all these years."

I gulped, thinking about that damn message, and now seeing her loving smile. "Y-You didn't think it was weird?"

Blair sighed, yet her smile remained. "Brianna. Do you think I'd be sitting here if it was?" She moved her hand to my elbow, up my shoulder, caressing my cheek gently.

I almost said something. I couldn't even remember what it was. Not that it mattered because I didn't get the chance. The moment I had been waiting for, it was happening. Her face was moving closer to mine, eyes slowly closing. And as soon as I felt her lips brush against mine, the feeling of her touch caused the butterflies in my stomach to flutter. I closed my own eyes and accepted what was happening.

The kiss my teenage self craved, dreamed about even.

It was reality.

We hadn't just slipped into some other world.

This was real life. The feeling of her hand on my cheek, that was real. The butterflies in my stomach fighting against the walls, also real.

And how I lifted my hand and held her face, also real.

She pulled away first, but her lips were still close, "was that OK?"

"Yeah," I moved my face back towards hers, initiating another kiss. I was savouring every bit of this moment. The sweet taste of her was too much to not let go of.

But she pulled back again, letting herself fall back against the mattress. I stared at her for a few seconds. Fuck, this was happening. Something inside me was hesitant to do this. The nerves, the fear of not being enough for her.

Blair reached out for my hand, and I knew I was just overthinking again. I took her hand and allowed her to pull me down to her.

Lowering my face to hers, I kissed her again, more hungrily this time. For a second, I didn't know where to go from there, still so in disbelief that my luck had turned around.

When I pulled away, my hand travelling down the side of her face. "Oh my God...is this real?"

"Of course it is." Blair giggled, her hands roaming up and down my back.

"OK. Good!" I panted, moving my kisses to her cheek, then her neck, and I could feel my heart beating a bit faster.

But because I am Brianna Caldwell, the most awkward person to have ever lived, I had to go on with the questions. "Hey, Blair, can I ask you something?" I kept my lips where they were.

"Mhmm?" She purred when I kissed that point where her neck met her shoulder. The pathetic noise she made almost made me melt, I swear to God.

"Were you…" come on, Brie, just say it, "were you gonna kiss me at the prom?"

She chuckled, "Yeah. But Trevor had to be an insecure loser."

I appreciated the cute giggling sound she made.

I lifted my head away from her skin and leaned up. I looked at her with a raised brow.

Blair was smiling still, but I knew she was getting impatient.

"So...you like-liked me back then too? Even when I was ugly?" I asked.

"Brianna, you were never ugly." Blair's brows connected, a hand stroking up and down my side. She really was getting needy. "And yes. I always like-liked you. God, that's so cute. You still say like-like." She took my hands and guided them to the knot tight at the side of her wrap dress.

"Shut up. Fuck, you're so beautiful." My hands began to untie the knot while I lowered my face and kissed along her clavicle and the only bit of exposed chest I had access to.

"Fuck. If only you knew how long I wanted this." Blair mewled. "I didn't think this was ever gonna happen. Even when I saw you and Juju out on the balcony, I was like...fuck. I'm too late."

Confusion immediately took me over. I pulled back again, looking down at her. A brief flash of frustration appeared on her face, but I ignored it. "Wait. What?"

"Yeah, I just…" Blair looked away for a moment as if debating on continuing or not, "always saw how you were around her. Always so happy. Like you were on top of the world. And I just didn't want to get in the way of that."

Her hand was trailing along my thigh, but I ignored it.

"Wait...Jujubee?" I knew that's who she was talking about, but even the sound of her name, it made something inside hurt. Not a hurt that she caused. Something...so different yet familiar at the same time.

"Yes. I never saw you that happy around anyone else…" Blair leaned back, balancing against my propped knees. "I mean, the prom? The way you looked at me, it was nothing compared to when you're with her. With Jujubee, it was...always so different."

Realisation dawned on me. I knew what she was getting at.

I opened my mouth to speak, ready to say I didn't like Jujubee in that way. But the words wouldn't surface. No matter how much I willed myself, I just couldn't. Even the thought of saying it made that feeling of hurt feel 10 times worse.

"You OK?" Her fingers danced around my thigh again, only with more wanting now.

"But…" I began, "I gave you my Valentine's card in first grade."

Now she was silent, her gaze shifting between both my eyes. She leaned up on both elbows, realising my questions weren't going to stop, and her pussy wasn't going to be eaten any time soon. She gave a nervous laugh, "um, no. You gave it to Jujubee."

I squinted my eyes. "No. I gave it to you, Blair."

"Girl, you gave it to me, and when I asked if it was mine, you shouted at me, saying it was for Juju and you just wanted me to check it out." She was laughing again. But seeing my still confused face, her smile began to drop. "You don't remember that?"

I was silent for a moment. Blair was in front of me, the love of my life, but all I could see was the image of Jujubee in my head. Her perfect little face, the way her eyes crinkled at the corners when she laughed, that bright smile, her silky black hair that always smelt so good.

I thought back, all the way back to that specific Valentine's Day. I remembered handing the card to Blair, her confused face, how the kids snickered as I stood there feeling sorry for myself. And Jujubee shouting at them all for making jokes.

But that was all.

"I... don't remember that," I spoke quietly, my eyes squinted.

"Not even the card she gave you?"

My eyes widened at that. "She did what?"

"Yeah, she gave you a card."

Now that she mentioned it, there was a flicker of an image in my head; something pastel pink. My tiny painted fingers holding a heart shape. Baby Brianna smiling, only to lift her head and see the other kids making fun.

"Oh, shit…" I whispered. I climbed off Blair and got up from the bed.

I was on the verge of pacing, my hand in my hair, "Oh my God."

"Don't be embarrassed, Brie." Blair was fully sat up in the bed now, her legs spread as if trying to beckon me back. "Not a lot of people can remember so far back."

I needed to prove if this was real or not. I'd call Jujubee. But then again, would she have even answered? If what Blair was saying was true, that explained why Jujubee was behaving the way she was. She was hurt. She was pissed because I didn't remember her card.

But how the fuck could I have forgotten something like that? All my life, that was all I ever wanted - to know I was loved by someone. Such a memory like that…

"Brie, are we...you know...gonna…" Blair spoke quietly.

My eyes widened. A memory like that. A memory that would be worth keeping.

I turned to face her. "Blair, wait here. I'll be right back."

"OK. Sure." Blair blinked a few times.

I wasted no time rushing downstairs. Taking a moment to observe the crowd, it seemed, quite a few guests had left already. At least it would make it easier to navigate.

I made my way to the kitchen. The memory box was still there. For a millisecond, I feared someone would have stolen it.

I took it to the counter, no one was around, so I felt safe enough to open it.

My nerves were wrecked as I lifted the latch to the box. I only had a small idea of the things that would be in here. Old photos, movie tickets, childhood drawings.

But I hadn't planned on opening it up so soon.

No. I needed to know the truth.

Opening it up, I saw a bunch of photos, tickets and pieces of folded up paper. I removed them, planning to possibly look at them at a later date.

The more I pulled out, the more confident I felt that Blair had got it all wrong. And she was the one who remembered things differently.

But there was a flash of pink at the bottom of the box. I gulped, pushing aside the scraps of paper burying it.

And there it was; A pastel pink heart-shaped card, 'Happy Valentines Day' writing in glitter gel pen on the front. "Shit…" I said quietly, pulling the card out.

Opening it up, I breathed out a puff of air.

'Dear Brianna, I know people in class are mean and say nasty things. But I think you are the prettiest girl in the world. Happy Valentine's day. Love from Juju xxx'

I could hear the younger version of myself reading it out loud, the insults from the other kids, Jujubee yelling at them because they were just jealous.

I put the card down as I realised Blair was right. And memories resurfaced, reading completely different.

That Valentines Day in which she refused to tell me who she had eyes for

That time she didn't invite me to stay for dinner.

How her smile would drop every time I mentioned Blair.

How I never danced with her at the prom

And finally, our recent argument.

It all made sense. Jujubee was in love with me. And instead of recognising it earlier on, I was too caught up with Blair to see it.

And what about me? How did I feel about her? Yeah, Jujubee was my one and only friend. She had gotten me through so much throughout the years. If it weren't for her, who knew where I would have been.

I couldn't pinpoint any time that I had thought of her as more than just a friend.

Well, maybe the times we'd lie in bed and just...stare into each other's eyes. Or the time she held me as I sobbed into her chest after the incident at the prom. Or maybe the times she'd smile, and it would brighten up my day. Or the exact day that I noticed how cute it was when her lashes fluttered.

Or…

My eyes met the heart-shaped card again, how the very sight of it made my heart skip a beat.

"Fuck." I ran my fingers through my hair as it was clear to me.

My eyes ventured away from the card, moving to the scraps of paper.

'Grandpa's tips for life'

My hand told me to examine the piece of paper further, so I did so.

At the top of the list, there it was. A sign.

'Go get her, kiddo. You've got nothing to lose.'

I needed to tell her.

I packed the box up and quickly left the kitchen, noting that a few more people had left.

"Blair!" I called, rushing up the stairs.

She was still there, laying in the bed, in just her white lacey lingerie.

I covered my eyes. "Oh my God. That was unexpected."

"Fuck. Sorry. I kind of had a feeling that would have been inappropriate." She asked.

"What? No. You're fine. I just... wasn't prepared for that." I stuttered, still covering my eyes. "Could you just...cover-up for a second."

"OK." I heard her say. "You can look now."

I looked back. She did pull the duvet up, but just below the wire of her bra.

"OK," I breathed out, trying to ignore her cleavage, "I think you're right about Jujubee."

"You think?"

"Yes," I replied before shaking my head profusely. "No. I know. You're right, Blair. I...I like her. Maybe even love her." Fuck, saying that out loud, it did something to me, "And yes, I liked you for so long, but you're right. I was always happiest with her."

I was expecting her to be disappointed, but she smiled. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

"What?"

"Go get her."

Grandpa's words reiterated.

"You're not upset that we're not gonna have sex right now?"

"No, Brie." Blair threw back the covers, picking up her gold wrap dress off the floor, "I already learned how to deal with it. Knowing you belonged to someone else." She wrapped her body up in the dress effortlessly, fluffed out her hair and turned to look at me again. "I know you're meant to be with her. So, go. Go tell her now before it's too late."

Despite this revelation, I couldn't help but feel like a dick. Blair was smiling, but I knew she had to feel some level of hurt. I walked towards her and brought her into a hug.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you, Brie," Blair whispered in my ear.

I only held her tighter, "Don't be," and I pulled away, my hands still on her shoulders, "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have ever opened my eyes."

I kissed her on the cheek, and she smiled warmly. I turned to leave, and before I made my way downstairs, I looked at her once more. Her hand was on her face where my lips had been. I was glad I could give her that one last kiss, just something to hold on to.

"You really helped me, Blair," I said.

"Good." She said graciously. "Now go."

The urgency in her voice only fueled my determination.

I was under no time limit, but I couldn't help but want to reach Jujubee as soon as possible.

When I was outside, I shouted for the first cab I saw. Thankfully it pulled over. I got in and pulled out my phone.

But the car was still.

"Go! Drive!" I raised my voice.

"Lady. You haven't even told me where you're headed!" The cabbie turned in his seat.

Fuck, I sounded crazy. How he hadn't thrown me out was beyond me.

I only realised that I had no idea where my destination was. Jujubee could have been anywhere.

The driver was still looking at me, his patience growing thin. So I barked out Jujubee's address.

He seemed relieved to be on the road again. Only then was I aware of the honking cars behind us. Typical for New York, but this was too much.

I found Jujubee's number, trying my luck at the chance she'd answer.

It rang.

And it rang.

And it rang some more.

"Come on, come on," I repeated quietly to myself. Relax, Brie. It's not like she's catching a plane to the furthest state.

The phone went straight to voicemail. "Fuck!"

The cab driver glared at me in the rearview mirror.

I ignored him and tried again. Still nothing.

A few minutes passed, and I tried once more. But again, my luck was shit on.

I dropped my hands to my lap, sighing frustratedly. All I could do was just see if she was home.

My eyes trailed to beyond the window, just hoping to get there as soon as possible.

And there she was. Walking out of a pizza place, a solemn look on her face.

"There she is," I said aloud to myself before turning my attention to the cab driver. "Stop! Pull over!"

He came to a grinding halt. "Jesus Christ, lady! You really need to stop all that yelling and - -"

I handed him a $20 bill, "keep the change. Thank you."

I got out of the vehicle, eyes looking to where Jujubee once was. She was gone.

"Fuck." I looked down one path, not there. And looking down the other, there was Jujubee, rounding the corner and eating a slice of pizza.

I ran in my heels, people moving out of the way to dodge me.

I knew I was an inconvenience to so many, but Jujubee at that moment was my priority.

Rounding the corner, I saw she didn't get far. I couldn't help but bend over for a hot second, trying to catch my breath.

And when I recovered, I shouted out, "Jujubee!"

She turned, eyes wide like she had never heard my voice before. And when she saw it was me, her face sort of fell.

My hand reached into my bag, and I pulled out the Valentines Day card.

She looked confused at first, but then recognition settled in. And the disappointment was replaced with fear.

I stopped panting. And finally, I could speak. "You were right. Approval; That's all I ever wanted. And I thought that if Blair gave that to me, I'd be good enough. Because I never felt that. I never felt good enough. I wasn't good enough for Blair, I was never good enough for my parents, and I'd never be good enough for anyone."

Jujubee was silent for a moment, eyes falling to the pavement and then back up again. "You were good enough for me."

I breathed out. "I know. But I was...too caught up in my own shit to think about how you felt. Too caught up that...I didn't even think about how I felt." I paused, thinking of how the fuck I should say it. No, I didn't need to think. This wasn't some cheesy movie. "I...I love you, Juju."

She let out a breath, a shaky one like she was on the verge of tears. And her eyes became glossy. I really wanted to tell her not to cry, to be happy. But this moment, she wanted this all her life.

A tear slipped down her cheek, but she laughed. "Fuck, I got this fucking pizza 'cause I needed heartbreak food."

I returned the laugh. "Hey, it's OK. You can still eat it. It can be normal pizza."

"No. I'm not even hungry anyway." Jujubee admitted, passing the pizza to a random passerby (who was taken by surprise but accepted the free food anyway).

Jujubee walked towards me. I smiled, already smelling that sweet perfume.

But she pushed me back. "Fuck you for forgetting about the card. I knew you did. I always remembered yours."

"I'm so sorry. I don't know why I forgot. But," I paused, "Blair reminded me."

"She did?"

"Yep."

"Wow. She remembered. But you didn't."

"Yeah. I'm...really really sorry."

"Wow. Is this our first couple fight?" Jujubee put her hands on her hips.

"It could be. If... that's what you want to call us." I suggested.

"Perfect. Seal the deal?" She raised a brow.

I knew where this was going. "Oh, absolutely."

Jujubee stepped closer, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pressed her lips against mine. And that unfamiliar spark coursed through me, like it came from somewhere inside her and travelled through my body.

And I didn't care for the fact we were in the middle of the street, probably inconveniencing others. All that mattered was the happiness coursing through me, the feeling of...being complete.

I pulled out of the kiss first. "Wanna get in that rocket and be the first to go to the other world?"

Jujubee smiled but quickly stopped. "I-I'm kinda unprepared. I mean... I'd need a toothbrush, my clothes..."

"Where we're going...you don't need 'em." And then I played the words back in my head. "Oh. Oh shit, no. Not in that context. I just meant... you'd get new ones, you know? Fuck, I'm terrible at this."

"No. You're just you." Jujubee laughed, and fuck, I adored how her eyes were crinkling at the corners.

We grabbed the nearest cab. When we told him where we were going, his eyes widened. It would be a journey. But we paid upfront, so the driver remained silent.

When we got to base, I almost cursed myself for not thinking about how we'd access all the areas.

But there was that mastercard. And they couldn't say no. They knew who I was, after all.

When we were in the gowning area, Jujubee and I helped each other into spacesuits. I was high with anticipation, ready to see what was on the other side, ready to do it all with Jujubee.

This was our dream.

Jujubee grabbed two helmets. One for her and one for me. She tossed it my way, and I caught it.

"Ready to go?" She asked.

"Absolutely." I extended my hand, and we made our way to the door.

The cold cool air was refreshing. My eyes travelled up and down the rocket. It was bigger than I imagined, and for a small second, I felt worthless. Like I was just Brianna Caldwell, a girl from a small town with no real purpose in this world.

But Jujubee slid her hand into mine. And I was reminded that all I had to do was shut my inner demons up. Because I did have a purpose. And I was something to someone. As long as I had her, that was all that mattered.

Jujubee smiled mischievously, pulling me along the bridge, leading me to the already opened door. She ducked down and climbed into the small space, and I followed.

It was disorientating at first, what with the rocket facing the sky. I feared I'd fall trying to get into my seat. But Jujubee continued to pull me along.

When we were seated, I wasted no time putting on my helmet and initiated the activation process.

I could feel Jujubee's smirk as I flicked at switches and pressed buttons. It only fueled my excitement.

A voice came through the radio, one of the engineers. We were bombarded with questions, demanding to know what we were doing, how it was too early for take off with no press to film it, all sorts of complaints.

But we didn't care.

When everything seemed ready to go, I put my hand on the lever. But before I pulled, I turned my head to her.

"Ready to see the flying horses?" I raised a brow.

"Just as ready as I am for the cats that bark." She breathed out a laugh through her nostrils.

With another smile, I pulled the lever. The ship was rumbling now, and my stomach was doing somersaults.

We both turned our attention to the sounds of protest from the engineers. They were livid now, shouting about how the media wasn't going to like this.

I lifted my hand up, flipping the source of the sound off. Jujubee cackled to my delight.

I put the intercom on mute. And the ship took off. Mom was gonna kill me for this. I'd definitely bring her back a gift. A new vase, maybe? Yeah. A vase from an entirely new world. Something new.

I looked forward, unable to see the ground below us. How high were we already? How long was left until we reached that crossover, the gateway?

My question was answered as the ship was illuminated by a bright light.

We did it, Grandpa. We did it.

#rpdr fanfiction #s10 #as5 #miz cracker #jujubee #blair st clair #blair x cracker #coming of age #hurt/comfort #lesbian au #angst #gimme love #grinder #tw mental health discussion